2006, Accepted (Steve Pink)

Published on November 2016 | Categories: Documents | Downloads: 34 | Comments: 0 | Views: 169

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Accepted

Content

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Subtitled by Subscene (Divxstation)
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Everyone,
have your money ready.
We only have so much time.
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Okay, say, "Cheers!"
Cheers.
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Say, "Beer!"
Beer!
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Say, "Cheers!"
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00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,000
Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.
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00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,100
Why?
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Hands, you wanna
field this one?
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Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake ID
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and you're wearing
a shirt that says
you're in high school.
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So?
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Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.
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00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,200

Just do
what you were doing.
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Give me
some nice cat things.
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- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.
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What the hell
is going on here?
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Relax, pal.
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Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.
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Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.
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You borrowed my keys?
Come on.
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Well, I needed them.
Ow.
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We're providing
a vital service
to America's youth here.
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Could we get
the next in line, please?
No, we're not. Stay there!
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We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.
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Do you know
what will happen to me
if I get caught?
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Every day
after eighth period,
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Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.
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He picks up
the women's fitness magazine
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and he snaps one off!
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Are you serious?
Yes.
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That is a problem.
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Uh, okay, well,
we still have the rest
of eighth period, right?
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So, we'll just
pack everybody up
and get out of here.
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Okay, let's go!
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Shit!
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Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
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Okay, good, good.

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Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!
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So glad you could join us!
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What the hell is this?
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00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,800
It's Glee Club
practice, sir.
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We're just gettin' ready
for Memorial Day.
It's a big one for us.
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We don't have
a Glee Club.
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Not yet,
we don't, sir.
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But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind
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a legacy that inspires
future students
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to take initiative
rather than spend their time,
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I don't know,
privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.
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I mean, I went
to read an article

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about no carbs
and higher reps
the other day
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and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.
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...as if by
some natural adhesive.
That'll be enough.
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I need to cut
the pounds
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and I can't open the...
Stop it!
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Whatever does it for...
Stop it!
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That's all
I'm gonna say.
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Thank God
you're graduating.
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I'm the fourth-generation
Schrader...
Sorry.
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to go to
Harmon College, okay?
Yeah.
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I can't do anything
to screw that up.

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You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted
for identity fraud.
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Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.
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We're all goin'
to college, okay?
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This is said by the guy
who's been rejected...
Hey, B.
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...by seven schools.
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Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.
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I got a good feeling
about number eight!
Ugh.
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I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!
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Yeah! Yeah!
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00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:05,500
Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.
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Oh, what makes you say that?
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I don't know.
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Bartleby! Hey.
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Hey, how are you,
Monica?
Hey, how are you?
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Good. Do you know Schrader?
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No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...
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I actually...
We had a class.
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Oh, yeah.
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My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.
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Yeah. Sorry.
I don't remember
you, either.
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Sorry.
It's all right.
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Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.
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Sure, anything.
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Um, you know,
I know it's really late,
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but, um, last minute

and everything,
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but prom is coming up soon,
you know?
It's okay. Yes.
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And I'm actually having
a party at my house
beforehand.
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Awesome!
And I was wondering
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if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...
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I'd love to.
...mow our lawn.
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00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:45,600
Mow your lawn?
Yeah.
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Oh.
I'm sorry.
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Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know,
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our mower's broken
and my mom was just, like,
"Ask Bartleby!"
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That's cool!
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I... Yeah. Tell your mother
I would love to mow the lawn.
Really?

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Of course.
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Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure.
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Thank you.
Hey, babe! Hey, yo,
Monica! Come on!
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Sorry, I got to go.
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But thank you, again.
Yeah, s-sure.
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You're really helping us out.
Oh, great to see you.
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00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,400
And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.
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00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,100
Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.
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Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B-Bye, Monica.
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Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.
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Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
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Hoyt Ambrose.
What's that guy got
that I don't have?
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I just need to get a car.
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And classic good looks.
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"I regret..."
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I can't believe
I didn't get into State!
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I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.
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That was my fallback!
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It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!
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Maybe you're just
too average.
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Hey, time out.
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Too average?
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Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.
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R-R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.
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I didn't have to go
to gym class
for a whole year
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'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.
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Or what about the time
I got the note from my doctor
saying I was nocturnal
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and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?
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00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:16,900
I got the school bully,
Frank Daley,
kicked out for two years
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because he was
sexually harassing me
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by pushing me up
against the locker
and I said I felt something.
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I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.
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Maybe if you didn't write
an essay called
"I Don't Have a Clue."
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00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,800
Well, it's true. You know?
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I don't have a clue
what I want to do
with the rest of my life.
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Mom and Dad
are gonna kill you.
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O ye of little faith.
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They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.
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I just have to spin it
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and put it in terms
they can understand.
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I don't understand.
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I don't understand, either.
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00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,800
Okay, I figure it
like this.
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00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,600
The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?
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00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,500
Now, according
to these estimates
that I got off the Web...
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You can pass those around.
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00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,500
Someone with no education
beyond high school
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can expect to make
about $20,000 a year
in the current job market.
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00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,700
Now, that being said,
over the next four years,

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you could either
spend $80,000
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or I could make $80,000.
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00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,800
Are you saying
you don't want to
go to college?
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00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,200
No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsible
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00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:10,400
for me to go
to college. You know?
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00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,700
Are you huffing?
Oh, God. No.
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00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,700
Are you high?
You're huffing grass?
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No. I'm not huffing, Mom.
I'm not stoned.
I'm completely fine.
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In fact, I'm more clear
and level-headed
than I've ever been.
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Okay, cut the crap,
Bartleby.
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Society has rules.
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And the first rule is
you go to college.

Mmm-hmm.
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00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,300
You want to have a happy
and successful life?
You go to college.
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00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,400
If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.
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00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,600
If you want to fit in,
you go to college.
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00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:36,200
Well, you know what?
Maybe I didn't
get into college.
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00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,200
What do you mean?
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I didn't get accepted
anywhere.
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Oh, Bartleby.
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00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,200
Damn it.
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00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:56,800
I knew he should've started
preparing for college
in junior high
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like his sister.
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00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,400
Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.
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00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:01,700
She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.

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00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,000
There are plenty
of successful people
who didn't go to college.
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00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,800
Albert Einstein,
you know.
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00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,000
Pocahontas never
went to college.
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00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,800
Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.
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00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,000
They had a great run.
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00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,700
Both Lewis and Clark.
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00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,600
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
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00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,900
I need to go
check on the cobbler.
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00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,900
"Check the cobbler."
Glug, glug, glug.
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00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,600
You know, I really don't
care what Sonny Bono
did or didn't do.
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00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,500
You're goin' to college.
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00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,400
I told you so.
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You were adopted.
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Everyone,
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00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,000
I would like
to propose a toast
to our graduates.
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00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,700
To the Class of 2006,
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may the next four years
of college
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be the best years
of your life.
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Hear, hear.
Mom.
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00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:51,800
Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?
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00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,200
What's up, B?
How you doin'?
What's up?
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00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,100
Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells me
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how excited they are
to go to college,
I'm gonna lose it.
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00:07:58,500 --> 00:07:59,900
Oh, man,
I heard about
the scholarship.
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00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,500
That's insane.
You're one of the best
receivers in the state.
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00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,200
Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.
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00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,200
That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?
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00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,500
I have no idea.
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00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,500
That makes two of us, pal.
199
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,600
It's fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine,
it's fine.
200
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,600
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
201
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,900
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
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00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,900
I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.
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00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,600
I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.
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00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,400
What? I can't
believe that!
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00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,900
Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.
206
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,700

Too many rich kids
with mediocre grades
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00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,000
and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.
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00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,600
No room for Rory,
who's been working
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00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,300
since first grade
to get into Yale.
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00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:36,500
Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.
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00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,800
I had it all planned!
212
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,200
It was perfect, B!
Perfect!
213
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,900
And now
it's nothing! Nada!
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00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,700
It's a goose egg!
215
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,800
Okay. Well.
216
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,100
God, Rory! Rory!
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00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,500
She's handling that
really well.
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00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,400
College
is for pussies!
219

00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,400
All right.
I got to get out
of here, pal.
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00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,900
Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.
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00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,700
Bartleby! Hey!
Oh, hey, Mr. Schrader.
I was actually just...
222
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:01,800
Did you have any cake?
223
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,300
No, you know,
I'm not much
of a cake guy.
224
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,500
Oh, it is a hell
of a cake.
225
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,500
It is the same cake we got
for Scotty and Seth
when they got into Harmon.
226
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,100
Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.
227
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,200
Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...
228
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,600
Hey, Stu.
Hey.
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00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,400
I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngest
230
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,900
is headed off

to a good college.
Must take a load off.
231
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,200
Yeah, well, not to mention
232
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,500
the load it takes off
my bank account.
233
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:23,700
Dad.
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00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,600
Nothin' like gettin'
a load off!
235
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,300
What about you,
Bartleby?
236
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,900
That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.
237
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,200
What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?
238
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,500
Where you goin'?
239
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,400
Um, I... I., well...
240
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,000
I didn't really, uh...
241
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,600
Bartleby screwed
around and now
he's not goin' to college.
242
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,400
He's thrown his life away.
243
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,100

Yeah, that's... that's what
I was gonna say.
Thanks, Dad.
244
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:49,400
Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
245
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,500
Yeah.
B, you realize
that makes it S.H.I.T., right?
246
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,200
S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.
247
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,000
Just finish building
the website, please.
248
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,700
This is the act
of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.
249
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,500
Yo, B, you have to hook me up
with one of these
acceptance letters, bro.
250
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,700
Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?
251
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,500
Oh, come on. The only way
this is gonna work
is if we keep it quiet.
252
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,000
And even then,
it's still a long shot.
253
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,200
Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.
254
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,400

The minute
I lost my scholarship,
255
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,100
my pop
started talkin' about me
getting my own bus route.
256
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,600
Help me. Please?
Mmm.
257
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,600
You know something?
258
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:23,300
For the safety
of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.
259
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,600
Sweet.
But listen to me.
260
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,500
This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?
261
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,100
Nothing more.
Gotcha.
262
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,600
Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.
263
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,700
Let's start this fake college.
And then we'll go
start a meth lab somewhere.
264
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,700
Come on.
It's a gateway crime.
What?
265
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:36,800
That's how these things start.

266
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,200
You know something, Schrader,
267
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,800
you got into
a great college.
268
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,200
And your future's
lookin' really good,
269
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,000
and I'm psyched for you, pal,
'cause you're my best friend
and I love you.
270
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:47,700
I'm talking about
me coming to you,
asking for your help.
271
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,700
Just finish
the damn website.
272
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:51,300
Please.
273
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,300
What do you say?
274
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,100
There he is!
Fine.
275
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,900
Get off me,
you idiot.
276
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:01,200
But we need some sort of,
like, mission statement
or something.
277
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,900
Your dad's
gonna want to see that.
I know him, he's a hard-ass.

278
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:05,900
Hey, kids. Honey!
279
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,900
Hey. Hi.
How are you?
Hey.
280
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,000
What's this?
281
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,500
South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
What's that?
282
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,200
Mmm? What's that?
283
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,200
One of the most
respected schools in the area,
that's what that is.
284
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,300
Well, what's it say?
285
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,800
I gotta open it first.
286
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:21,300
Come on, hurry.
287
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,400
Oh. I'm nervous.
288
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,400
"Dear Bartleby,
289
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,300
"congratulations,
you've been accepted!"
290
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:34,600
I got in!

291
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,100
Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!
292
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,500
Hey-o!
Oh! God!
293
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:39,800
Honey.
I'm okay.
294
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,200
Hey, this is great!
295
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,300
It's so exciting!
296
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:46,100
What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
Yeah.
297
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,600
Oh, it's one of
Harmon College's
sister schools.
298
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,500
I've never heard of it.
299
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,700
Well, because
it's the baby sister.
300
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,700
It's the most
discreet and unharmed
of the sister schools.
301
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,300
You got any literature
on this place?
302
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,800
Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.

303
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,500
You did it.
You're a college boy.
304
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,800
Wow.
305
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,300
So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.
306
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:14,200
Hey! I hate my life.
307
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,000
I'm a huge tool.
308
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,300
Have fun being hot.
309
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,400
Bartleby!
310
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,000
Hey, Dad, what's up?
311
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,900
I took a look
at that website.
312
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,200
Oh.
313
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,500
Cool.
314
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,600
It looks unreal.
315
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,100
Unreal?
316
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,600
Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?

317
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,700
It seems
like a solid place.
318
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,800
Really?
319
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,100
Here you go.
320
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,600
First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.
321
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,200
That's great.
322
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,200
Wow, thank you, Dad.
323
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,100
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
324
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,100
Thanks, Dad.
325
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,100
Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.
326
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,100
What we need to do
is lease a place near Harmon
327
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,600
so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.
328
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,800
Hey, Schrad, do you know
any places up near Harmon
we can rent?
329
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,100
Oh, yeah, I do,
actually.

330
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,800
I carry around a list
with me at all times
331
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,700
of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.
332
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,600
Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.
333
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:12,900
What do you want me to be,
your realtor?
334
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,700
Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?
335
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:15,800
Hey, what's up, Glen?
336
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:16,800
Hey.
Hey, Glen,
337
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,800
when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?
338
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:23,300
Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.
339
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:24,500
Why, what happened?
340
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,200
Some political crap.
341
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,600
I got a zero on my SATs.
342
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,700
You know
you get 600 points

343
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,300
just for signing
your name, right?
344
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,700
All right,
let's get serious, man.
345
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,200
Now, where we gonna find
a place to pass off
as a college?
346
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:44,400
Hey, guys! I know a place.
347
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,000
How'd you know
about this place?
348
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,700
I used to do
volunteer work here.
349
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:50,800
This
place is awesome.
350
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,700
'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.
351
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,000
A bird
in the hand, dude.
A bird in the hand.
352
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,600
That doesn't
make any sense.
353
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,100
It's a saying.
What?
354
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,800
A diamond in the rough.

355
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,400
Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.
356
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,800
Great.
The birthplace of crack.
357
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,600
Hello, beautiful.
358
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,600
Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.
359
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:18,700
This is breaking
and entering.
360
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,900
Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.
361
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,100
Who's scared?
I'm not scared.
You're scared.
362
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,900
Schrader, you were scared
to try the new flavor
of Dr. Pepper.
363
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,300
I told you that
in confidence, Hands.
364
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,300
Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,
365
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,900
because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.
366
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,300
That's actually

a legitimate fear.
367
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,000
She was rifling
through my shit.
368
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,900
Okay,
Fine, whatever, dude,
stay here.
369
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,500
Fine. I will.
370
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:41,900
Okay, guys, seriously,
371
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,400
I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.
372
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,900
We don't have
to renovate the whole place.
373
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,400
We just have to focus
on essential areas.
374
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,500
We got the... the main lobby.
Hallway.
375
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,500
Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.
376
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,700
I think
this could really work. Huh?
It's awesome!
377
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,200
Can you hold that?
Yeah.
378
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,000
Guys, a little

can-do attitude,
some elbow grease,
379
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,400
maybe a smile from Schrader.
380
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,500
It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?
381
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,400
Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
382
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,300
Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.
383
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,400
Yeah.
384
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,800
Schrader,
what the hell was that?
385
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:20,400
Um, this is embarrassing.
386
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,500
Are you kidding?
387
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:22,600
It would be really cool
388
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,100
if you guys
wouldn't tell people
I scream like that.
389
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,900
Ready, set, go.
390
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,300
Whoo!
All right.
391
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,500

Uh, whoa, Glen.
392
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,100
Oh, hey, B.
393
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,400
What are you doing here,
buddy?
394
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,100
Rory told me about it.
395
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,600
What are you doing?
We were gonna keep
this place a big secret.
396
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,300
But he didn't have
any place to go.
397
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,700
He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.
398
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,000
Is that true?
Why'd you...
Why'd you get fired?
399
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,100
I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.
400
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,200
That's disgusting.
See?
401
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,500
Why would you
do that, pal?
402
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,800
'Cause I was hungry
and thirsty.
403
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,900
Oh, God.

404
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,900
This kitchen is bitchin'!
405
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:42,200
And this'll be the bath...
406
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,400
Close the door.
Shit!
407
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,900
Close it!
408
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,800
It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.
409
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,400
And this right here,
410
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,400
this is step one.
411
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:26,800
Good luck, Son.
412
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,600
Mister Ambrose,
do you know what makes Harmon
a great college?
413
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,700
Rejection.
414
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,800
The exclusivity
of any university
415
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:40,000
is judged primarily
by the amount of students
416
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,300
it rejects.
417

00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,600
Unfortunately,
for the last few years,
418
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,800
we have been
unable to match
the amount of students
419
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,600
that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,
420
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,700
primarily because
of our physical limitations.
421
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,000
But all that
is about to change.
422
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,500
Yale has one,
Princeton has one.
423
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,100
And now Harmon College
will have
424
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:59,300
the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.
425
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,900
A verdant buffer zone
426
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,400
to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.
427
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:06,200
That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.
428
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,900
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairman
429

00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,700
of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.
430
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:14,500
I need you to secure
all these decrepit properties
431
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,200
in the neighboring community.
432
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,700
So that we can demolish them
to make room
433
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,800
for the Van Horne Gateway.
434
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,100
You know what?
435
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,700
This actually looks
like the real deal.
436
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,000
Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic,
437
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,600
but I think
this could work.
438
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,400
It really looks
professional. Hello.
439
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,000
Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?
440
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:35,200
Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.
441
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,700
I took another look
at that website.

442
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:38,500
What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?
443
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,700
No, no, Dad, they just...
they just have to say
stuff like that
444
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:41,900
just to keep
from being sued.
445
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.
446
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,200
Glen, go long.
Set up a meeting
with the dean.
447
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,200
The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!
448
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,100
Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?
449
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,500
I'm good!
Yes, of course
the college has a dean.
450
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,900
Dad, you know,
he's a busy guy,
though, you know,
451
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,700
he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.
452
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:58,800
Listen. If I'm paying
for it, I'm meeting
with the dean.

453
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,100
I want to make sure you have
the same education I did.
A real education.
454
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,100
Dinner's at 8:00.
Wait, Dad, Dad, Dad,
I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.
455
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,200
I gotta trim
this corner right here.
I think I got poisoned.
456
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,300
What's up, B?
We got a little problem.
457
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,300
What?
Who was that, Bartleby?
458
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,000
We gotta find a dean.
459
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,400
In life, it's important
to distinguish between
need and want.
460
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,300
You think you want something
because you've been
conditioned to want it.
461
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,300
I want the Pump!
462
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,100
I don't got the Pump.
463
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,500
Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
464
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,100

I want the Pump!
465
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,300
Listen,
you insolent little snot,
466
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,100
there are kids right now
in Asia who are sewing
your stupid shoes together,
467
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,800
so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
468
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:45,000
This is the worst idea
of all time.
469
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:46,900
Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.
470
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,200
He'll be fine.
Mom!
471
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:49,300
What did you do?
472
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,900
You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.
473
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,200
You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.
474
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,200
I'm glad my mother's dead.
475
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:56,500
He's just having a bad day.
476
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh, my gosh.
477

00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,300
You want me to be the dean
of your college?
478
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,100
No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.
479
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,200
It's just for one day.
480
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:05,900
Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.
481
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:08,800
I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.
482
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,000
Oh, really?
483
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:11,300
Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.
484
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,500
That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.
485
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,700
So I quit.
486
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,400
I did send in my resignation
487
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,400
in a rather
unorthodox fashion.
488
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,400
You sent
the dean of the university
a bag of dog shit.
489
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,400
It was a metaphor.
For what?

490
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,000
For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.
491
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,800
That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.
492
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,400
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
493
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,400
Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.
494
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,500
I'm goin' to
Papua New Guinea.
I'm outta here.
495
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,200
Wh-Where...
Where you going?
496
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,600
I'm going off the grid.
497
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,300
No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox,
498
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,500
no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat."
499
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,700
And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.
500
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,700
What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits."
501
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,200
When did that
go out the window?

502
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:51,000
Okay, Ben,
all I'm asking you
503
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,300
is just shake a couple hands
with some parents,
504
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,500
say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.
505
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,800
What if we pay you?
506
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,500
Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.
507
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,100
There you are!
Did you make
another child cry?
508
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:06,000
It's not my fault
the kid's a crybaby!
Little dipshit.
509
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:08,000
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.
510
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:10,200
You are an asshole.
And you're fired.
511
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,700
Perhaps it is time to move on.
512
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,300
But I get to bring my house.
513
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,500
Deal.
514
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,300

Right or left?
Right.
515
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,100
Whose right?
Your call.
516
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,500
You're an idiot!
You're upset.
517
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:24,800
Go with what you feel.
518
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,400
You got about 12 feet.
519
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,000
Perfect.
520
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,500
Asshole.
521
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,100
Okay, smiles, everyone.
522
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,700
First day at college.
523
00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:37,400
What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?
524
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:39,300
Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.
525
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,700
Where'd you find
all these people?
526
00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:43,600
Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language
program.
527
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,000

These are my students.
I told them
if they wanted to pass,
528
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,100
they'd have to
successfully assimilate
529
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,600
into the American
college environment.
530
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,900
Whoa! The parents are here!
531
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,400
Okay!
We're on, guys!
532
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,400
Okay, people,
it's showtime!
533
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,400
Wow.
534
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,400
No frills
around here.
Oh, none at all.
535
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:04,700
None of that, uh, that ivy,
or gargoyles, or mahogany,
it's the real deal.
536
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,700
The real deal, huh?
537
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,900
This is it, kid.
This is it.
538
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:09,800
The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.
539
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,300

It's exciting, it's scary.
540
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,700
It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.
541
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:16,100
Okay.
542
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:17,700
What's going on here?
543
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,300
Okay, we lost
one of the campers.
544
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,600
Curious campers.
545
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:22,500
What are you doing?
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
546
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,300
Honey.
547
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,700
Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...
548
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:29,900
What the devil is that?
Oh.
549
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,700
That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.
550
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,100
It's college for you.
551
00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:36,000
Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.
552
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,600

Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?
553
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:40,200
I just really gotta go
to the bathroom a minute,
you know.
554
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:41,800
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...
555
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,400
No, no, no, no, no!
556
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,100
Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.
557
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:47,500
You can't go in there.
558
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,900
Well, can't you just
stand outside...
559
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,800
Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?
560
00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:53,200
Hey,
I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.
561
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:54,600
You owe me 30 bucks,
by the way.
562
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:55,900
You jokester.
563
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,900
Here we are.
You remember Hands.
Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
564
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,500

Hey, hi.
The fam.
565
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,000
You look great.
Well, thank you.
566
00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:02,700
When I first saw it,
I was like,
I gotta live here?
567
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,100
I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.
568
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,100
Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?
569
00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:07,300
Oh, thunder grip.
570
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,800
Why are there bars
on the window?
571
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,400
Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.
572
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,200
It's fine.
It's a good
learning environment.
573
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,300
Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.
574
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:21,200
Yes. We will,
because of the blue
and the sparse walls.
575
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:22,300
I agree with you, sir.
576

00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,400
What are these?
577
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,800
That's in case
of an earthquake.
578
00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,800
Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.
579
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:29,100
Huh?
The dean.
580
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,100
Come here, honey.
Come on.
581
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:35,200
Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.
582
00:24:35,300 --> 00:24:37,400
It's gonna be fun.
583
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:39,100
You know,
a lot of people say
584
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,200
that college is the time
when young men and women
585
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,400
expand the way
that they look at their world,
586
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:49,000
when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences
587
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:51,600
and when they begin
that long journey
588
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,700
from the innocence of youth

589
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,000
to the responsibilities
of adulthood.
590
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,700
Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?
591
00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:08,000
W-What?
592
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:10,200
Could you explain that
to us a little more?
593
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:12,400
Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell them
594
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,800
a little bit about
the philosophy here
at South Harmon?
595
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:18,600
Look, we throw
a lot of fancy words
in front of these kids,
596
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,900
in order to attract them
to going to school,
597
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,200
in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.
598
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,500
And we all know
that all we're doing
599
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:27,400
is breeding
a whole new generation
600
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:28,900
of buyers and sellers.

601
00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:30,300
Buyers and sellers!
602
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,700
Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!
603
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,900
And indoctrinating them
into a life-long hell
of debt and indecision.
604
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,500
I...
Um...
605
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:43,500
I... I just don't understand.
606
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,000
Do I have
to spoon-feed it to you?
607
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,800
Look, there's only one reason
608
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,300
that kids
want to go to school.
609
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,500
Holy shit.
610
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:01,900
Which is?
611
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:07,100
To get a good job.
612
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,300
To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.
613
00:26:22,300 --> 00:26:23,700
I couldn't agree more.

614
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:29,300
It is so refreshing
to have somebody
615
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,600
approach education
so rationally.
616
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:33,200
Fuckin' A!
617
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,600
Well, Dad. Ow.
618
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:41,900
Oh, Mom.
619
00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,100
You make us proud, kiddo.
620
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,400
I'll try, Dad.
621
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,000
Don't worry about
anything, okay?
622
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:49,900
Bye, honey.
Seat belts.
623
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,300
Spread your wings.
624
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,700
I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.
625
00:26:53,700 --> 00:26:55,300
Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!
626
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,200
Bye!
627
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:04,500

So what do we do now?
628
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,800
Well, my friend,
we're in college now.
629
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:08,100
We can do whatever we want.
630
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,600
Gotta hand it to you, B.
631
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,800
Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,
632
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:14,200
and we're killing
aliens, dude.
633
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,500
This is way better
than learning.
We are learning here, pal.
634
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,000
We're learning
the dire cost to civilization
when diplomacy fails.
635
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,700
We're learning
political science
right now.
636
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,500
What the...
What the hell is that?
637
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:30,500
Who is it?
638
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,700
Abernathy
Darwin Dunlap, sir.
639
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:35,900
Hi, there!

640
00:27:35,900 --> 00:27:36,900
What's your name?
641
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,700
My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.
642
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,200
But you could call me A.D.D.,
643
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,600
on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,
644
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,200
which is
Attention Deficit Disorder
and you know,
645
00:27:44,300 --> 00:27:47,100
everyone used to think it was
just an addiction to sugar
when I was six,
646
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,800
and my mom used to cry
because she thought
I would never be,
647
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:51,400
like, a fully functioning
member of society,
648
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,900
like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.
649
00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:55,800
Oh...
650
00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:59,100
This is no longer
a mental health facility.
651
00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:00,700
I'm so sorry
we can't help you.

652
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,300
Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!
653
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,800
Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?
654
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,300
Well, unless
I misread the website,
655
00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:09,300
I'm here for orientation!
656
00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:14,300
Oh, you scared me
for a second.
In more ways than one.
657
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,300
Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College,
658
00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:17,400
it's just right on
up the hill.
659
00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:19,000
But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.
660
00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:22,300
No! I'm looking
for South Harmon
Institute of Technology
661
00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:24,600
because, well,
it's the only place
I got accepted
662
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:26,900
and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in English
663
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,500

or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!
664
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:32,900
Did you just say
you got accepted here?
665
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,000
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.
666
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,000
What?
667
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:54,800
Thank you so much!
668
00:29:00,100 --> 00:29:02,800
Oh, God.
Holy balls.
669
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:05,000
I'm sorry.
670
00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:06,600
Move, fool.
671
00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:10,800
Oh, look,
there's my old girlfriend,
Sara Pelfan.
672
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,100
You broke my heart!
673
00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:18,500
Please.
674
00:29:20,900 --> 00:29:23,600
Oh, uh, sorry, sorry.
No parents allowed
past this point.
675
00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:25,600
It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.
676

00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:27,000
We need to mold
your kids into individuals,
677
00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:28,200
and the first step is to
678
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:30,400
sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.
679
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:31,700
Take him.
680
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:33,400
We're just glad
Larry got in someplace.
681
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,800
He's your problem now.
682
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,200
Bye, hon. No biting!
683
00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,400
Hey, Larry.
684
00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:41,500
Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.
685
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,200
You're gonna fit right in,
Larry. Unfortunately.
686
00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:44,400
What are we gonna do?
687
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:45,800
This is supposed
to be a secret.
688
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,000
Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.
689
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:49,500

You go check the P.O. box,
I'm gonna go
find Schrader, okay?
690
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,800
Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.
691
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,600
Can I take
your blazer for you?
692
00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:04,300
Get in there, your future
is right in there.
693
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,100
Thank you.
All right.
694
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:13,800
Oh, shit.
695
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,200
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
696
00:30:16,700 --> 00:30:19,300
Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?
697
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:20,600
Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.
698
00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:23,200
Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even
my jacket.
699
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,400
Perfect.
So, what are
you doing here?
700
00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:27,700
I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?

701
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,700
Uh, no, I haven't.
702
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,600
Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.
703
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,200
I'll catch up with you.
704
00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:38,400
Hey.
705
00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:42,500
I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.
706
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:46,800
This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang back
707
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,100
while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.
708
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:50,700
Oh, shit.
709
00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:51,700
I got it.
710
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,000
Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.
711
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,200
I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.
712
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,300
Uh, we disbanded.
713
00:31:06,300 --> 00:31:08,900
Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.
714
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,900

Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.
715
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,900
Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.
716
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,000
That's right.
Right.
You date Monica Moreland.
717
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,300
That I do.
Right.
718
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,100
I think about her
when I masturbate.
719
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:26,300
What?
What?
720
00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:31,100
I didn't mean to say that.
721
00:31:31,300 --> 00:31:35,200
Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father
pledged alongside my father
back in the day.
722
00:31:35,300 --> 00:31:36,500
Oh, so you're the legacy.
723
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,500
That's right. Legacy!
724
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,500
You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.
725
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,000
Was it here?
726
00:31:45,100 --> 00:31:46,800
Uh, was it there? Was it...

727
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:49,300
So... So do you go
to school here now, or...
728
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,800
I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.
729
00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:53,100
Did you say South Harmon?
730
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:54,400
Yes, I did.
731
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:55,600
Oh, what's that?
Hmm?
732
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:57,400
Wha-What's South Harmon?
733
00:31:57,500 --> 00:31:59,500
South Harmon is...
It's a college,
734
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:02,000
just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.
735
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,800
That's great. Well,
congratulations to you.
Thank you.
736
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,600
Hey, sweetie.
Hey!
737
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:07,100
Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...
738
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,300
Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.
739
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,100

Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.
740
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:14,100
Floyd Pambrose.
741
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,600
That's weird.
Our names rhyme.
742
00:32:16,700 --> 00:32:18,200
Yeah, that is
pretty weird.
743
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:19,800
That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.
744
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:21,900
Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.
745
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:23,900
All the sexually repressed
energy.
Oh.
746
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,300
I love it.
A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.
747
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,400
I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.
748
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:29,600
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
749
00:32:29,700 --> 00:32:31,800
Well, hey, why don't you
just hang around
and meet some guys?
750
00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:33,500
Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.
751
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,700

I totally respect
your lifestyle choice, though.
And good luck with it.
752
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,700
Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.
753
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:41,700
I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good
to see you.
754
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,900
I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.
755
00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:46,100
Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.
756
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,600
Whoop, sorry, Goldie.
757
00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:53,100
Schrader, where you been?
I've been calling you
for half an hour.
758
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,100
What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.
759
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,400
I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.
760
00:32:57,500 --> 00:32:58,900
This is huge for me,
all right?
761
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,900
You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.
762
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,200
Remember that time
we had to steal
my mom's birth control pills?

763
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,700
Yeah, and then
Lizzie was born.
It's worse than that.
764
00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:07,200
Where did these people
come from?
765
00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:10,000
Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going
out of business.
766
00:33:10,100 --> 00:33:11,700
What is happening?
I'll tell you
what's happening.
767
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:14,600
I told you to make
the website look legitimate,
not functional.
768
00:33:14,700 --> 00:33:17,000
Hey, you wanted to
fool your dad.
And the guy's not an idiot.
769
00:33:17,100 --> 00:33:20,300
And, also, it was your idea
to put "Acceptance is just
one click away."
770
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,800
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put it as one click away,
you don't make it clickable.
771
00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,800
Oh, my...
Holy shit.
772
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:27,900
Yeah.
773
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,100
They all paid

first semester's tuition?
774
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,000
Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.
775
00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:34,300
I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.
776
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,400
That's $74,000,000.
777
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,200
It's $1,000,000, Glen.
778
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:41,200
Yeah. In human dollars.
779
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,700
Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.
780
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,400
Hey, don't look at me.
Ask one of
the founding fathers.
781
00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:47,500
B?
782
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,700
This isn't my deal, man.
783
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,000
I told you this was
a bad idea
from the get-go.
784
00:33:53,100 --> 00:33:54,100
True.
785
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,200
We could have
a Battle Royale.
786
00:33:58,700 --> 00:34:00,400

Wow.
What is that?
787
00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:05,300
B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.
788
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,000
You are absolutely right,
my friend.
789
00:34:07,100 --> 00:34:08,500
I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.
790
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:09,700
Thank you.
791
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:17,600
Go.
792
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,400
Hey. Hey, Glen!
793
00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:29,700
All right.
794
00:34:34,900 --> 00:34:36,700
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
795
00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:38,900
Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.
796
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,900
Can I... Can I just
get your attention
for one minute?
797
00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:43,300
Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.
798
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,200
Just give me one second,
please. Hold on.
All right.

799
00:34:45,300 --> 00:34:46,800
Who the hell are you?
800
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,300
Ah-ah. Okay.
801
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:51,700
That's a good question.
Thank you.
802
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,700
My name's Bartleby. Hello.
803
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,000
Um, Gaines,
for what it's worth.
804
00:34:56,100 --> 00:34:58,100
And, um, you know
on the website how it said,
805
00:34:58,100 --> 00:35:00,200
"Acceptance is just
one click away"?
806
00:35:00,300 --> 00:35:01,400
Do you remember that?
807
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:02,700
We had intended...
Hold on.
808
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,500
We added that
because we were...
Aw, shit.
809
00:35:06,100 --> 00:35:09,000
Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?
810
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,900
When I got accepted here,
811
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:14,100
it was the first time
my parents ever said

they were proud of me!
812
00:35:27,300 --> 00:35:30,100
That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.
813
00:35:35,100 --> 00:35:38,900
Hey, uh, just show of hands,
how many people
applied to other colleges?
814
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,100
Everybody. Uh, okay.
815
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:45,400
And how many of you got in
to the other places
you applied to?
816
00:35:53,100 --> 00:35:54,200
Nobody.
817
00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:56,000
Nobody got in anywhere else?
818
00:35:58,300 --> 00:36:01,000
And you know what?
I didn't, either.
819
00:36:01,100 --> 00:36:02,600
I didn't get into
a real college.
820
00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:04,600
A really, really good college.
821
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,100
I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.
822
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,000
Rejection blows.
Being said no to.
823
00:36:10,100 --> 00:36:11,800
You know what,
I'm sorry, you're just
not quite good enough.

824
00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:13,100
You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.
825
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:14,200
You didn't play enough tennis.
826
00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,800
You didn't study hard enough
for your scores.
So you're not gonna make it.
827
00:36:16,900 --> 00:36:18,700
You know what? Screw that!
828
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:19,900
What's he doing?
829
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,100
I think
he's winging it.
830
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,700
Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?
831
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,100
At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!
832
00:36:27,100 --> 00:36:29,200
We say yes to your hopes.
833
00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:31,200
We say yes to your dreams.
834
00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:33,900
We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!
835
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,400
Grab a room, grab a friend,
836
00:36:35,500 --> 00:36:37,000
grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.

837
00:36:37,100 --> 00:36:39,800
Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!
838
00:36:43,300 --> 00:36:44,400
Oh, man.
839
00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:46,200
And welcome to S.H.I.T.!
840
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,300
You! I love you!
841
00:37:04,900 --> 00:37:05,900
What are you doing?
842
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,100
Do you realize
how stupid this is?
843
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:10,200
You invited everyone
to a college
that doesn't exist.
844
00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:12,800
I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.
845
00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:14,100
They got rejected
from everywhere.
846
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,000
What... What kind of message
does that send if I reject
them from my college?
847
00:37:17,100 --> 00:37:18,700
You don't have a college!
848
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,000
Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?
849
00:37:20,100 --> 00:37:21,100

Oh, we have a deal
with Amazon.
850
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,500
You just buy 'em
with a credit card.
851
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:23,600
When do we sign up
for classes?
852
00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:25,200
Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.
853
00:37:25,300 --> 00:37:27,200
Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?
854
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,000
Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.
855
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,000
18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...
856
00:37:31,100 --> 00:37:33,700
Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?
857
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:37,500
Who? What?
Me, I guess.
858
00:37:38,100 --> 00:37:40,800
I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.
859
00:37:40,900 --> 00:37:43,300
I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.
860
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:44,600
Wow.
861
00:37:44,700 --> 00:37:48,200
Uh, B, hey, uh,

you just started
a fictional college.
862
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,600
Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.
863
00:37:49,700 --> 00:37:50,900
Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?
864
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,300
Yes, you know what?
This is Hands Holloway.
He's the Athletic Director.
865
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,900
He can help you with anything
you need to know.
I can't do it right now.
866
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,300
Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.
867
00:37:57,300 --> 00:38:00,300
Uh, you guys,
what are we gonna do now?
I just need a minute to think.
868
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:03,200
What? What the...
Holy shit!
869
00:38:08,100 --> 00:38:10,900
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!
870
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,700
What the hell
are you guys doing?
871
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,700
What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!
872
00:38:14,700 --> 00:38:17,500
Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.

873
00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:20,500
Who's in charge
of room assignments
around here, anyway?
874
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:22,200
Guys, I'd like you
to meet Rory.
875
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,200
She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.
876
00:38:25,300 --> 00:38:27,200
And she'll be
more than happy to help you
out with that. Okay?
877
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,300
Okay, uh,
I... I guess I'll show you
your rooms.
878
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,700
Follow me.
Thanks.
879
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:33,100
Sorry about the wall.
880
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,300
Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.
881
00:38:34,300 --> 00:38:35,900
It happens all the time.
No problem.
882
00:38:35,900 --> 00:38:37,500
Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem
883
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,100
because you don't know
how to run a college.
884
00:38:39,100 --> 00:38:40,400
It's fine. It's okay.

It's fine.
885
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:42,900
We'll just relax,
get some sleep, we'll regroup
tomorrow morning.
886
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,300
It will be totally calm.
887
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,400
Ahoy! Scallywags
and scally-ladies.
888
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,300
Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.
889
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,200
But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.
890
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:10,300
I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.
891
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,100
You're gonna need
to process faster.
892
00:39:16,700 --> 00:39:19,600
What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.
893
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:21,900
- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.
894
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,300
How you doin', kid?
895
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,500
Dad, now is not the... the...
the best time to talk.
896
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:26,600
Hang on,
let me get your mother.

897
00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:28,100
Can I have this?
Come here,
let me talk to you.
898
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,400
Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?
899
00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:32,700
Stop yellin'
in the damn phone.
900
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,600
Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.
901
00:39:35,700 --> 00:39:37,100
How's school so far?
902
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,200
Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...
903
00:39:39,300 --> 00:39:41,400
Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?
904
00:39:41,500 --> 00:39:44,200
The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.
905
00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:45,500
What the hell
was that?
906
00:39:45,500 --> 00:39:47,300
Sounded like
he said something
about two dozen kegs.
907
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,200
Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?
908
00:39:49,300 --> 00:39:50,900
Aw, no, no, no.

He said two dozen eggs, Mom.
909
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,800
You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.
910
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:54,100
What took you so long?
911
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,000
I've been building
a thirst over there!
912
00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:58,700
Hey, listen,
I'm not paying for you
to be making omelets up there.
913
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,400
Tell me what classes
you're taking.
914
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:01,400
Classes?
915
00:40:01,700 --> 00:40:03,500
Uh, right. I'm taking...
916
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:06,100
Statistics.
917
00:40:06,300 --> 00:40:08,500
And, uh, business
918
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,200
and anatomy.
919
00:40:11,300 --> 00:40:13,100
- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?
920
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,400
Thanks, dude.
921
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:15,700
Bartleby, Bartleby!

922
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:16,800
Yeah!
923
00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:22,900
Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.
924
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,600
Couldn't get in
anywhere, though,
925
00:40:24,700 --> 00:40:25,900
'cause I was in the military.
926
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,000
Oh.
Beverage ops.
927
00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:29,300
I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.
928
00:40:29,300 --> 00:40:31,000
Next thing I know
CIA swoops in,
929
00:40:31,100 --> 00:40:32,900
does this whole
brain-scramble thing.
930
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,000
Now I can't remember anything.
931
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,600
So do you have room
at the college for me?
932
00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:38,700
You know what, we already
started the semester,
I'm sorry.
933
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:40,500
That's cool, man.
Yeah.
934
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,500

It's just I... I got
my GI Bill,
935
00:40:42,500 --> 00:40:44,800
and I can pay you
all four years in advance.
936
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:47,500
Okay, you're in.
Yeah!
937
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,600
Yeah, welcome
to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!
938
00:40:51,100 --> 00:40:52,300
How's the processing?
939
00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:56,100
I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.
940
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,700
Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured,
941
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,800
time-tested curriculum
carefully designed
to stimulate the young mind.
942
00:41:08,900 --> 00:41:12,100
So, Mr. Gaines,
you're thinking
about transferring?
943
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,300
I don't know
about transferring.
944
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,000
My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.
945
00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:16,600
But I just kind of
want to figure out
946

00:41:16,700 --> 00:41:18,200
what all this
is all about.
947
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:19,400
Sorry.
948
00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:22,700
A-And what college
are you attending right now?
Sorry?
949
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,400
The college that you're...
Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.
950
00:41:25,500 --> 00:41:26,500
Pardon me?
951
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,400
I'd like to look around,
if that's okay.
Uh, that's fine.
952
00:41:29,500 --> 00:41:30,600
If that's what
you'd like to do.
953
00:41:30,700 --> 00:41:33,200
Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.
954
00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:34,300
Oh, shit. Sorry.
955
00:41:34,300 --> 00:41:37,100
That's all right. No.
You know what? Leave them,
leave them alone.
956
00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:39,000
Leave it,
leave them alone.
957
00:41:39,100 --> 00:41:40,500
And go on and take
your tour, okay?

958
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,400
A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes,
959
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:47,400
allowances and exemptions
960
00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:49,700
as well as
encourages payments
961
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,800
through use of
low interest rates,
962
00:41:51,900 --> 00:41:53,400
which theoretically
would cause
963
00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:54,600
an economic boom.
964
00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:58,000
Now if you would
refer back...
Aw, shit. I'm sorry.
965
00:42:01,700 --> 00:42:03,400
So theoretically
what I was saying was...
966
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:04,500
This guy's pretty boring.
967
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,400
Don't talk to me, man!
Right, this is gonna be
on the midterm.
968
00:42:06,500 --> 00:42:08,100
And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.
969
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:14,700
This guy's...
EBITA!
970

00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:15,900
What?
971
00:42:15,900 --> 00:42:18,700
Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.
972
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,100
Good afternoon, students,
973
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,100
and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.
974
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:26,400
What the... What is this?
975
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:29,200
We'll begin today's lecture...
976
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,600
Okay, great, yeah.
I'll see you
in the library at 8:00.
977
00:42:37,700 --> 00:42:39,700
And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.
978
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:41,300
Bye, Monica.
979
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,200
Monica. Hey.
980
00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:52,000
Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?
981
00:42:52,100 --> 00:42:53,100
Stalking's an ugly word.
982
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,900
I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing.
Oh.
983

00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,300
I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out
the classes.
984
00:42:58,300 --> 00:43:00,700
Really?
Yeah. Do you like
all your classes?
985
00:43:00,700 --> 00:43:02,800
Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classes
986
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:04,200
that I don't
really care about.
987
00:43:04,300 --> 00:43:06,300
There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.
988
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:08,700
But, um, I ended up
not being able to.
But, you know, it's okay.
989
00:43:08,700 --> 00:43:10,200
What was that one
that you wanted to take?
990
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:13,700
Uh, ph-photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.
991
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:15,600
Yeah.
What was the problem?
992
00:43:15,700 --> 00:43:18,300
Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,
993
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:20,200
but they said it's only
for journalism majors.
994
00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:21,900
And then there's this

art photography class,
995
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:23,600
but they said
it's for fine arts majors.
996
00:43:23,700 --> 00:43:27,000
So my advisor said
it would be best not to take
either one, or something,
997
00:43:27,100 --> 00:43:29,000
because certain
photography classes
998
00:43:29,100 --> 00:43:31,400
don't apply
to a degree in photography.
999
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,700
Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.
1000
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,200
I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.
1001
00:43:36,300 --> 00:43:38,800
I gotta go, I'm gonna be late
for my Ancient Roman
History class.
1002
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,600
It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
1003
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,200
Hey, uh...
1004
00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:51,600
I'm... I'm
just saying, I mean,
is that what college is?
1005
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,300
What were you expecting?
A renaissance
of the human spirit?

1006
00:43:54,300 --> 00:43:56,600
American education
is in the shitter.
1007
00:43:56,700 --> 00:43:57,900
You know why?
1008
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,000
Because people forget
the most important rule.
1009
00:44:01,300 --> 00:44:03,900
College is
a service industry.
1010
00:44:04,300 --> 00:44:05,300
A service industry?
1011
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:09,200
As in "serve us,"
as opposed
to the other way around.
1012
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:11,300
Look, you see
all these kids out here?
1013
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:12,900
They all paid
to come here.
1014
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:14,700
Right.
They all paid
for an experience.
1015
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:16,300
What kind of experience?
1016
00:44:16,300 --> 00:44:18,800
The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.
1017
00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:21,200
Well, maybe
I should just ask them.
1018

00:44:21,300 --> 00:44:23,200
Welcome to the conversation.
1019
00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:25,000
What do I want to learn?
1020
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:27,600
Why are you asking me?
1021
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:29,700
Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunch
1022
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,600
that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?
1023
00:44:31,700 --> 00:44:34,900
Well, I like pancakes
and alfalfa sprouts
and lemonade.
1024
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,500
Okay, you know what,
let's appropriate the bulk
of this man's tuition
1025
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:39,000
to learning more
about the culinary arts.
1026
00:44:39,100 --> 00:44:40,300
Huh?
Food.
1027
00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:41,600
All right.
All right.
1028
00:44:41,700 --> 00:44:42,900
Rory. What about you?
1029
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,600
Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment
1030
00:44:45,700 --> 00:44:47,700
of every single day

has been scheduled.
1031
00:44:47,700 --> 00:44:49,400
So what do I want to do?
1032
00:44:50,300 --> 00:44:51,300
Nothing.
1033
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,400
Cheap, zen, beautiful.
I like it.
Hands, what about you?
1034
00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:57,000
Summer camp
I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's
1035
00:44:57,100 --> 00:45:00,100
coveted woodcarving award
and next day,
1036
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,300
ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.
1037
00:45:02,300 --> 00:45:05,100
Mmm. Woodcarving,
sculpting. Good,
something with your hands.
1038
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,200
Well, there may be
something in there.
1039
00:45:06,300 --> 00:45:09,400
You can think about that,
and then get back to me.
All right?
1040
00:45:09,500 --> 00:45:12,200
Schrader, what about you?
Well, B, I'm glad
you asked, actually.
1041
00:45:12,300 --> 00:45:13,600
'Cause since
we're going to prison,

1042
00:45:13,700 --> 00:45:16,100
I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.
1043
00:45:16,100 --> 00:45:18,100
Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you
something, though.
1044
00:45:18,100 --> 00:45:20,000
All our lives
we've been told
what to learn.
1045
00:45:20,100 --> 00:45:22,300
Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.
1046
00:45:22,300 --> 00:45:24,100
Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.
1047
00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:26,200
What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?
1048
00:45:26,300 --> 00:45:27,600
What am I interested
in studying?
1049
00:45:27,700 --> 00:45:28,700
Huh?
What?
1050
00:45:28,700 --> 00:45:30,300
W-What?
Come again.
1051
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:32,100
That's a good question.
No, really, come again.
1052
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,000
I thought you were
supposed to tell us.
1053
00:45:34,100 --> 00:45:35,700
Please come again!

1054
00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,000
I want to meet girls.
1055
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,100
Girls.
Girls.
1056
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:41,200
Some girls!
Uh, girls.
1057
00:45:41,300 --> 00:45:42,400
I wanna rock!
1058
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,700
You know, and roll.
1059
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,600
Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,
1060
00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:48,500
is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.
1061
00:45:48,500 --> 00:45:50,200
More speed.
More vert.
1062
00:45:50,300 --> 00:45:52,200
Maybe something
with clothes, you know?
1063
00:45:52,300 --> 00:45:53,700
Putting them on,
taking them off.
1064
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:56,100
I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?
1065
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,200
I want to learn
how to blow shit up
with my mind.
1066
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,500

Okay.
Well, write it
on the board.
1067
00:46:05,100 --> 00:46:06,100
Go ahead.
1068
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:12,600
Okay, thanks. Okay.
1069
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:16,000
All right.
Thank you, smiley.
1070
00:46:16,100 --> 00:46:18,100
Pleasure doing business
with you.
1071
00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:19,300
Yeah, buddy.
1072
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,700
Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.
1073
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,700
If you're rich,
the government'll protect
1074
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:32,600
every buck you make
and every shit you take.
1075
00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:37,900
Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.
1076
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,000
New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.
1077
00:46:40,100 --> 00:46:41,800
Really?
Don't screw it up.
1078
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:45,200
I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...

1079
00:47:10,300 --> 00:47:11,400
What are you?
1080
00:47:42,500 --> 00:47:45,600
Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!
1081
00:47:45,700 --> 00:47:49,200
You get sick on a Friday,
they only pay for Monday
through Thursday.
1082
00:47:49,300 --> 00:47:52,400
You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.
1083
00:47:52,500 --> 00:47:55,500
You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.
1084
00:47:55,700 --> 00:47:57,600
You mind if I join you?
1085
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:04,100
Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!
1086
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:05,700
I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.
1087
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,900
That's pretty, uh...
1088
00:48:08,300 --> 00:48:09,600
I know, right?
1089
00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:11,800
That's African
fertility sculpture.
1090
00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:13,700
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
1091
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:18,300

The wood speaks to me.
1092
00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:20,500
The wood speaks to you?
1093
00:48:26,700 --> 00:48:29,900
Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.
1094
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:37,500
Thank you.
1095
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:40,800
What is learning?
It's paying attention!
1096
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:45,500
It's opening yourself up
to this great big ball of shit
that we call life!
1097
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,900
And what's the worst thing
that can happen?
You get bit in the ass!
1098
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,400
Well, let me tell you,
my ass looks like
hamburger meat,
1099
00:48:52,500 --> 00:48:54,600
but I can still sit down!
1100
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:00,600
I can't believe
this is a class.
1101
00:49:00,700 --> 00:49:01,700
Yeah.
1102
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:13,000
Look what I did.
1103
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,300
Ugh. What are those?
1104

00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:16,700
I call 'em GlenWads.
1105
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:19,800
They contain
every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.
1106
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:21,500
I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.
1107
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,800
This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.
1108
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:26,500
Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.
1109
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:27,600
Glen.
1110
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,800
This is like the most...
Literally the most incredible
thing I've ever eaten.
1111
00:49:31,300 --> 00:49:32,800
Heads up, bro.
1112
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,000
Whoa.
1113
00:49:34,500 --> 00:49:38,700
And it's so easy
to swallow. Mmm.
Wow, Glen.
1114
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:40,600
Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.
1115
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:42,600
Hey, how's it going?
Hey.
1116
00:49:42,700 --> 00:49:44,300

Can I help you with something?
1117
00:49:44,300 --> 00:49:46,100
Aren't you that guy?
1118
00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:48,000
No, I don't think so.
1119
00:49:48,100 --> 00:49:50,000
You're not?
I'm not what?
1120
00:49:50,100 --> 00:49:52,100
I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?
1121
00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:54,500
I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?
1122
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:56,300
Wait... wait, let me guess.
1123
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,500
You want me
to sign your petition
1124
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,400
banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?
1125
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,300
I am the chairman,
actually,
1126
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,600
of the Student Community
Outreach Committee
at Harmon College.
1127
00:50:05,700 --> 00:50:07,800
Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.
1128
00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:09,000
That sounds very important.
1129

00:50:09,100 --> 00:50:10,900
As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.
1130
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,300
And Harmon wants
to buy this property,
1131
00:50:12,300 --> 00:50:15,400
so do you know
where I could find
the lease holder?
1132
00:50:15,500 --> 00:50:16,600
I do.
1133
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,000
Well, could you tell me?
1134
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,400
Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.
1135
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,000
Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?
1136
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,000
No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.
1137
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:30,500
The lease holder's
not interested in relocating
at any point.
1138
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:32,700
So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.
1139
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:35,000
And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.
1140
00:50:35,100 --> 00:50:36,400
Oh, look out.
1141
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:37,800

Open it.
1142
00:50:37,900 --> 00:50:40,400
Ah. Thank you for coming by.
1143
00:50:40,500 --> 00:50:43,400
Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.
1144
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,200
Hey! What the hell
is this place?
1145
00:50:48,900 --> 00:50:52,000
South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
The best college ever.
1146
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:04,800
Is this a test?
1147
00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:11,200
Hey, Sperminator.
1148
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,300
South Harmon?
1149
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:18,600
Knock, knock.
1150
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:20,800
Oh, hey, Gwynn.
1151
00:51:20,900 --> 00:51:23,400
Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?
1152
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:25,300
You know, you're
missing the whole party.
1153
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,900
Hey, have you ever heard
of the South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
1154
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:30,500

No. How come?
1155
00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:32,700
No reason.
1156
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:34,700
Hey, pledge.
1157
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,100
Hello, knights of freedom.
1158
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,000
Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?
1159
00:51:40,100 --> 00:51:42,100
Because it's required
for brotherhood.
1160
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,600
Drink this.
Okay.
1161
00:51:44,700 --> 00:51:46,000
No, wait.
1162
00:51:49,700 --> 00:51:50,900
There you go.
1163
00:51:51,100 --> 00:51:52,900
Good addition, sir.
1164
00:52:03,500 --> 00:52:06,100
Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?
1165
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:09,100
Oh-oh. Hoyt.
1166
00:52:10,700 --> 00:52:12,500
Monica. Hold on. Shit!
1167
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:21,200
Harmon Gateway,
my ass.
Let me tell you something.

1168
00:52:21,300 --> 00:52:25,200
That's the kind of group-think
mob mentality
that's dumbing down America
1169
00:52:25,300 --> 00:52:27,200
and flushing your brains
down the toilet.
1170
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:30,000
B! We have a problem.
1171
00:52:33,500 --> 00:52:34,700
Virgin daiquiri.
1172
00:52:34,700 --> 00:52:36,800
And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.
1173
00:52:36,900 --> 00:52:38,100
Comin' right up.
1174
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:40,500
Lizzie.
What are you doing here?
1175
00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:44,100
You mean I can't swing by
and visit my big brother
at college?
1176
00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:46,400
You are in college,
aren't you?
1177
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,100
What is that
supposed to mean?
1178
00:52:48,100 --> 00:52:50,300
Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.
1179
00:52:50,300 --> 00:52:52,200
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
1180
00:52:52,300 --> 00:52:54,100

Uh, listen,
w-w-what do you want?
1181
00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:55,400
$20,000.
1182
00:52:55,500 --> 00:52:58,000
What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.
1183
00:52:58,100 --> 00:52:59,500
I'm not gonna
play your little game.
1184
00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:00,800
I'm not gonna
give you a cent.
1185
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:03,200
How do you like that?
How do you like
them apples, huh?
1186
00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:05,200
Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.
1187
00:53:05,300 --> 00:53:07,000
Oh.
I'll ask them
to pick me up here.
1188
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:09,500
Okay, you're gonna
call Mom and Dad, sure.
Ringing.
1189
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:10,800
You are bluffing
with the best.
1190
00:53:10,900 --> 00:53:12,500
You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.
1191
00:53:12,600 --> 00:53:13,700
Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.

1192
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,100
Anything you want,
not money-related.
1193
00:53:15,100 --> 00:53:16,200
Your Razor scooter.
Done.
1194
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,100
And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.
1195
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:19,600
I'm not gonna let you drink.
1196
00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:21,700
It's so I can vote, dumbass.
1197
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,300
Oh. Okay, deal.
1198
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:28,500
You need a Razor scooter
to vote?
1199
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:31,500
What do you mean,
they're a college?
1200
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:33,700
They're called
the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1201
00:53:33,700 --> 00:53:35,800
The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
1202
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:37,700
What is this,
some kind of joke?
1203
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,400
No, I don't think it is, sir.
1204
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:41,200
Mr. Ambrose,

that is the one building
1205
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,400
standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.
1206
00:53:43,500 --> 00:53:45,000
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.
1207
00:53:45,100 --> 00:53:46,700
Tell me that
you're not that naive.
1208
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:49,800
Colleges don't just
spring up out of
the ground overnight.
1209
00:53:49,900 --> 00:53:51,000
You're right.
You're right, sir.
1210
00:53:51,100 --> 00:53:52,700
I know I'm right!
1211
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:55,800
All right, don't worry.
I'll... I'll figure a way
to get them out of there.
1212
00:53:55,800 --> 00:53:57,800
What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.
1213
00:53:57,900 --> 00:54:00,900
That's the kind of thinking
that will get you
into law school.
1214
00:54:28,300 --> 00:54:30,000
Coming through!
1215
00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,100
Ow!
1216
00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:46,700
Hey, what are you

doing here?
1217
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:49,200
I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.
1218
00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:51,000
It was so sweet, thank you.
1219
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,100
Come on. Please,
I figured, who needs
a life's savings, right?
1220
00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,600
Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.
1221
00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:58,100
You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book,
1222
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:00,100
and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.
1223
00:55:00,100 --> 00:55:02,600
Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.
1224
00:55:02,700 --> 00:55:04,800
Well, let me...
let me show you
the rest of the place.
1225
00:55:04,900 --> 00:55:05,900
Sure. Really?
1226
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,100
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
1227
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:08,200
Great.
Great.
1228
00:55:08,300 --> 00:55:10,300
Let's, let's go.

All right.
1229
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,000
Two lava flows.
Thank you.
1230
00:55:13,100 --> 00:55:14,500
And keep your voice down.
People are playing.
1231
00:55:14,500 --> 00:55:17,200
Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1232
00:55:17,300 --> 00:55:19,100
He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.
1233
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:20,500
All right. Hello.
1234
00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:22,100
How do you like your drink?
1235
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,200
Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.
1236
00:55:24,300 --> 00:55:25,300
Does she like hers?
1237
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:26,700
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...
1238
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:27,900
Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.
1239
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,300
Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.
1240
00:55:29,300 --> 00:55:30,700
Ah, Glen.
1241
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,700

Wait. So this is
your course guide?
1242
00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:34,000
Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.
1243
00:55:34,100 --> 00:55:35,900
See, the administration
wanted us to create
our own classes,
1244
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:38,200
so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.
1245
00:55:38,300 --> 00:55:39,400
Really?
Yeah.
1246
00:55:39,500 --> 00:55:40,700
Wow, that's so cool, B.
1247
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:42,000
Hey, why don't you
sign up for one?
No, no.
1248
00:55:42,100 --> 00:55:43,600
Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.
1249
00:55:43,700 --> 00:55:45,300
It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?
1250
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:47,300
Even if you don't
sign up for one
you'll go on a fun ride.
1251
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:48,700
Okay.
1252
00:55:48,700 --> 00:55:50,400
Just stop me
when you see something
that you like.

1253
00:55:50,500 --> 00:55:53,500
Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"Men: The Weaker Sex."
1254
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:54,900
Give me a pen.
Oh.
1255
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:58,500
B, there can't honestly
be a class called
"Bullshitting 236."
1256
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,700
What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?
1257
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:03,000
There's a wait list
for that one.
1258
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:09,300
What?
1259
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:11,600
Are... Are you okay?
1260
00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:12,800
What?
1261
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:14,600
What the hell happened?
1262
00:56:14,700 --> 00:56:16,200
An explosion of flavor!
1263
00:56:16,300 --> 00:56:18,700
I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!
1264
00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:21,400
Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling me
1265
00:56:21,500 --> 00:56:23,900
that there are no tests,
or essays,

1266
00:56:24,500 --> 00:56:26,900
or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?
1267
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,000
That's what
I'm sayin'.
Wow. Ever?
1268
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:30,200
Yeah. Never ever.
1269
00:56:30,300 --> 00:56:32,100
Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.
1270
00:56:32,100 --> 00:56:33,800
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
1271
00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:35,800
Oh, no.
1272
00:56:35,900 --> 00:56:37,800
Ask me about my wiener!
1273
00:56:39,300 --> 00:56:40,600
What the...
1274
00:56:40,700 --> 00:56:43,400
Ask me about my wiener!
1275
00:56:45,500 --> 00:56:46,600
Schrader?
1276
00:56:46,700 --> 00:56:47,900
Oh,
hey, B.
Hi.
1277
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,100
And Monica.
1278
00:56:49,300 --> 00:56:51,400
Hey.
Why... Why are you
wearing this?

1279
00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:54,400
Every single brother
in my fraternity
has worn this suit.
1280
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:56,900
President James Garfield
wore this suit
like a gentleman.
1281
00:56:56,900 --> 00:56:58,200
Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.
1282
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,500
He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.
1283
00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:02,600
Don't ask me
how I know that.
1284
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:04,800
Do me a favor,
ask me about my wiener
really quickly.
1285
00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:06,100
Schrader, no.
1286
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:08,000
Guys, my brothers
could be watching me
right now.
1287
00:57:08,000 --> 00:57:09,600
Just ask me
about my wiener, please.
1288
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:12,600
Why are you
doing this?
What do you mean?
1289
00:57:12,700 --> 00:57:14,200
Come on. You're...
This...

1290
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:16,000
You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.
1291
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:18,300
You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!
1292
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:20,400
These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?
1293
00:57:20,500 --> 00:57:23,100
Schrader.
I'm so happy,
I'm the happiest.
1294
00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:24,300
I'm happy!
1295
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,800
Hey! Ask me about my wiener!
1296
00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:30,100
S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.
1297
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:32,800
Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.
1298
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:33,900
The S.H.I.T. Rag?
1299
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:35,400
Yeah, come on,
every school's
gotta have a paper.
1300
00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:38,100
There's a great op-ed piece
in there about not believing
everything you read.
1301
00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:39,300
It's really provocative.
1302

00:57:39,300 --> 00:57:43,200
As your de facto consigliere
my advice to you is to
shut this down immediately.
1303
00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:45,000
And my advice to you
is to stop worrying
1304
00:57:45,000 --> 00:57:46,500
before you
spontaneously combust.
1305
00:57:46,500 --> 00:57:47,900
Yes, but you can't
just do this.
1306
00:57:47,900 --> 00:57:49,100
To be a real college,
1307
00:57:49,200 --> 00:57:51,000
you have to go through
the appropriate
legal channels.
1308
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:52,100
You need to be accredited.
1309
00:57:52,200 --> 00:57:53,800
Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?
1310
00:57:53,900 --> 00:57:56,900
Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.
1311
00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:58,200
Who's that?
Spank me.
1312
00:57:58,300 --> 00:57:59,700
That's, uh, the mascot.
1313
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,400
Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.
1314
00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:02,700

A sandwich?
Yes.
1315
00:58:02,700 --> 00:58:05,300
You're the
S.H.I.T. Sandwiches?
Yes, we are.
1316
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:07,500
You are taking this
way too far.
1317
00:58:07,500 --> 00:58:09,600
How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.
1318
00:58:09,700 --> 00:58:11,900
Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.
1319
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:14,500
That's not in the budget.
I'm re-investing
in their education.
1320
00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:16,500
Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.
1321
00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:18,400
Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,
1322
00:58:18,500 --> 00:58:20,500
noise permits,
there are insurance issues.
1323
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:23,300
Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?
1324
00:58:31,300 --> 00:58:32,800
Oh, shit.
1325
00:58:36,300 --> 00:58:37,300
Wow.
1326
00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:39,100

Yeah!
1327
00:58:39,300 --> 00:58:40,700
Aw, shit.
1328
00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:44,200
We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.
1329
00:58:44,300 --> 00:58:46,200
No, you didn't!
Damn!
1330
00:58:47,700 --> 00:58:50,100
You know what?
You're absolutely right.
This has gone way too far.
1331
00:58:50,100 --> 00:58:53,100
And I think we need
to do something
about it ASAP.
1332
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:55,000
Thank you.
Thank you.
1333
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:15,600
Is this great
or is this great?
1334
00:59:15,700 --> 00:59:17,400
It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.
1335
00:59:17,500 --> 00:59:20,600
The Roaring '20s
is B.K.E.'s biggest party
of the year.
1336
00:59:20,700 --> 00:59:22,600
And we're recreating
the scene from
The Untouchables
1337
00:59:22,700 --> 00:59:24,800
where Roy,
as Bobby De Niro,

1338
00:59:24,900 --> 00:59:26,800
crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.
1339
00:59:26,900 --> 00:59:28,600
Wow, what an
incredible honor.
1340
00:59:28,700 --> 00:59:30,800
Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?
1341
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:33,600
I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?
1342
00:59:33,700 --> 00:59:35,200
You wrote a book?
Yeah.
1343
00:59:35,300 --> 00:59:37,000
But that was back
when I was drinking.
1344
00:59:37,100 --> 00:59:40,500
Come on, Glen,
you can't keep
stringing us along.
1345
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,900
Which one of us
is it going to be?
1346
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:59,100
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!
1347
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,100
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give it up
for your fearless leader,
1348
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:04,200
Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!
1349
01:00:04,700 --> 01:00:05,900
Aw, man.

1350
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:07,700
Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!
1351
01:00:07,800 --> 01:00:09,600
Come on up!
I know you know this one!
1352
01:00:09,700 --> 01:00:12,400
Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!
1353
01:00:15,100 --> 01:00:17,500
How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.
1354
01:00:51,700 --> 01:00:53,600
I'm going
to have that.
1355
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:55,100
Shut up.
1356
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:57,200
Look, where the hell
is everybody at?
1357
01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:58,600
You! Hey.
1358
01:00:58,700 --> 01:01:00,400
Hey.
How are you?
1359
01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:03,400
Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?
1360
01:01:03,700 --> 01:01:05,600
This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.
1361
01:01:07,100 --> 01:01:08,200
Band, hey!
1362
01:01:08,300 --> 01:01:10,700

Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?
1363
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:13,200
Hey.
Hoyt, hey.
1364
01:01:13,300 --> 01:01:15,900
There's, like, some big party
down the hill.
1365
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:18,900
Oh, that son of a...
1366
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:41,300
Hey!
B, oh, my gosh,
that was fantastic.
1367
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:42,700
Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.
1368
01:01:42,800 --> 01:01:43,800
I don't know
what happened to me.
1369
01:01:43,900 --> 01:01:47,200
Someone possessed me, and...
and it was the spirit
of Johnny Ramone, I think.
1370
01:01:47,300 --> 01:01:50,000
B, is there anything
that you're not
incredibly amazing at?
1371
01:01:50,100 --> 01:01:51,100
Yeah, it's funny
you should ask.
1372
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:52,900
There are very few things
I'm not very good at.
1373
01:01:53,000 --> 01:01:56,000
Off the top of my head
I can think of spelunking,
uh, telekinesis,

1374
01:01:56,100 --> 01:01:57,700
not crying at
the end of My Girl.
1375
01:01:57,800 --> 01:02:00,000
It gets me.
And dairy products.
1376
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:02,200
Which is good, because
you know I'm not really
in the mood
1377
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,000
for any
dairy products tonight.
1378
01:02:04,300 --> 01:02:06,800
Well, let's see
if we can get you
something else then.
1379
01:02:06,900 --> 01:02:08,700
Let's see.
All right.
1380
01:02:10,300 --> 01:02:11,900
This is my... Oh!
Ooh!
1381
01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:14,200
I'm okay, I'm okay.
I keep forgetting
this opens out.
1382
01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:15,800
It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.
1383
01:02:15,900 --> 01:02:17,000
Oh, no.
1384
01:02:17,300 --> 01:02:18,500
And this is
1385
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:21,000
Mi casa.

1386
01:02:21,700 --> 01:02:25,200
Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!
1387
01:02:25,300 --> 01:02:26,600
Huh? It's fine.
1388
01:02:26,700 --> 01:02:29,000
I mean, I like it
'cause it's simple,
and functional.
1389
01:02:29,100 --> 01:02:31,800
Provides a good safe
workspace for me
to focus on my studies.
1390
01:02:35,100 --> 01:02:39,700
B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.
1391
01:02:40,200 --> 01:02:42,800
There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.
1392
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:45,100
Maybe it's a little bit much.
1393
01:02:45,100 --> 01:02:47,200
I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.
1394
01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:50,100
Wait, is everybody's room
at South Harmon
this incredible?
1395
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:51,400
Well, at South Harmon
you're free
1396
01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:52,800
to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?
1397
01:02:52,900 --> 01:02:54,200
Whatever you're thinking,

whatever you're...
1398
01:02:54,300 --> 01:02:56,100
And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.
1399
01:02:56,300 --> 01:02:58,300
How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?
1400
01:02:58,400 --> 01:03:00,300
I would love a drink.
All right.
1401
01:03:02,100 --> 01:03:04,500
Ah, touché.
Ahh.
1402
01:03:22,900 --> 01:03:24,400
This party's
off the hook!
1403
01:03:24,500 --> 01:03:25,600
Hey, hey, hey, shut up!
1404
01:03:25,700 --> 01:03:27,100
All right.
Where is that asshole?
1405
01:03:27,500 --> 01:03:30,400
Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.
1406
01:03:30,500 --> 01:03:32,300
Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.
1407
01:03:32,300 --> 01:03:34,400
Well, I will
have you know...
Oh, now,
1408
01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:37,000
now I can't go
back to your past,
but you can go back to mine.
1409
01:03:37,100 --> 01:03:39,800

That Christina Aguilera look
did very well for me,
thank you very much.
1410
01:03:39,900 --> 01:03:41,100
Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.
1411
01:03:41,200 --> 01:03:43,700
I remember you making out
with Pete Goochman
in Julie Posner's basement.
1412
01:03:43,700 --> 01:03:44,800
You were at that party?
1413
01:03:44,900 --> 01:03:46,500
Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.
1414
01:03:46,500 --> 01:03:48,000
It made headline news
at school.
1415
01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:50,200
And... And... And that day
something happened in my life
1416
01:03:50,300 --> 01:03:52,200
that I never thought
would happen.
1417
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:55,300
I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.
1418
01:03:55,500 --> 01:03:56,800
Never thought
it would happen.
1419
01:03:56,900 --> 01:03:59,500
But I was like,
"He got to make out
with Monica Moreland."
1420
01:03:59,600 --> 01:04:02,700
Well, if you wanted to kiss me
so bad in the basement,
why didn't you?

1421
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:04,800
Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it,
1422
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:07,500
and I was a little shy,
and, uh...
1423
01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:11,000
Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?
1424
01:04:21,100 --> 01:04:23,100
You look like Carly Simon!
1425
01:04:23,500 --> 01:04:26,600
If I could bang
one woman in the world
it'd be Carly Simon,
1426
01:04:26,600 --> 01:04:28,200
and you look like her!
1427
01:04:28,700 --> 01:04:30,500
Are you having fun?
1428
01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:32,600
I'm having so much fun.
1429
01:04:32,700 --> 01:04:34,400
Let's go find him.
Oh!
1430
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,400
Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.
1431
01:04:45,300 --> 01:04:46,900
Sorry. One sec.
1432
01:04:50,700 --> 01:04:53,200
Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.
1433
01:04:53,900 --> 01:04:55,600
Come, come with me.

Okay.
1434
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:05,600
Hey, have you
seen Schrader?
1435
01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:07,600
Excuse me.
1436
01:05:09,300 --> 01:05:10,500
Shit.
1437
01:05:11,200 --> 01:05:13,500
Monica?
What are you doing here?
1438
01:05:13,600 --> 01:05:16,900
Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.
1439
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:19,500
You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?
1440
01:05:19,500 --> 01:05:21,700
Actually, Hoyt, um,
1441
01:05:22,700 --> 01:05:25,000
I'm telling you
it's none of your business.
1442
01:05:25,900 --> 01:05:27,400
It's none
of my business?
Yeah.
1443
01:05:27,500 --> 01:05:29,100
Oh, snap!
1444
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,300
Hey, Hoyt, let me
introduce you to
an old friend of mine.
1445
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,300
The word "rejection."
She can be a real bitch.

1446
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,100
But you don't have
to give her roofies.
1447
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:39,100
So you're not gonna
like her.
Ooh.
1448
01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:40,900
You want me to give you
something funny
to laugh about?
1449
01:05:41,000 --> 01:05:43,400
You mean something
funnier than your future
alcohol abuse?
1450
01:05:43,400 --> 01:05:44,900
Battle Royale!
1451
01:05:48,700 --> 01:05:50,700
Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.
1452
01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:53,900
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.
1453
01:05:54,300 --> 01:05:57,100
Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?
1454
01:05:57,100 --> 01:05:58,500
Have fun with these idiots!
1455
01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,700
Bye-bye.
Bye.
1456
01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:01,200
Thank you for comin'.
1457
01:06:01,300 --> 01:06:03,200
Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!

1458
01:06:29,600 --> 01:06:31,800
Wet T-shirt party!
1459
01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:50,600
Mom? Dad?
1460
01:06:56,100 --> 01:06:58,000
Gwynn.
Hi, there.
1461
01:06:58,900 --> 01:07:00,100
What are you doing here?
1462
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:01,500
I'm your escort.
1463
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,600
Induction night,
big guy.
1464
01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:07,500
B.K.E., B.K.E.,
brotherhood, brotherhood,
you and me!
1465
01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:10,800
B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1466
01:07:10,900 --> 01:07:12,700
Sherman Schrader, you rock!
1467
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:14,700
Aw, no! You guys rock!
1468
01:07:14,700 --> 01:07:16,800
Get ready to be inducted
into the brotherhood,
you winner!
1469
01:07:16,900 --> 01:07:20,100
Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have.
Whoo!
1470
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:22,600
I want lilac shirts!

I want visors
1471
01:07:22,700 --> 01:07:26,100
kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel
coming out of it.
1472
01:07:26,100 --> 01:07:28,100
I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!
1473
01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:30,200
You rock!
I know I do!
1474
01:07:30,300 --> 01:07:32,500
You do, yeah, you do.
1475
01:07:33,500 --> 01:07:36,600
Do I get hair gel
now, or do I have to go
and buy my own?
1476
01:07:36,700 --> 01:07:37,800
Did you crack him?
1477
01:07:37,900 --> 01:07:38,900
No.
1478
01:07:39,900 --> 01:07:41,300
We'll crack him.
1479
01:07:42,300 --> 01:07:45,600
Sherman, do you know
how long that this
fraternity has survived?
1480
01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:47,000
Yes, sir.
1481
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,500
153 majestic years, sir.
1482
01:07:49,600 --> 01:07:52,700
That is correct.
Because it's based on
the most sacred principle

1483
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:54,900
that brothers can share.
1484
01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:56,200
Trust.
1485
01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:00,300
And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question
1486
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:01,700
whether or not
I can trust you.
1487
01:08:01,800 --> 01:08:04,400
'Cause we know you been
hanging out with those
freaks down at the loony bin.
1488
01:08:04,500 --> 01:08:06,600
So with your allegiance
being called into question,
1489
01:08:06,700 --> 01:08:09,200
I just wanted
to ask you just one thing.
1490
01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:11,400
Paddle.
1491
01:08:11,500 --> 01:08:13,800
That's actually
not a question.
Shut up!
1492
01:08:14,700 --> 01:08:16,300
Are you with them
1493
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:20,100
or are you with us?
1494
01:08:36,400 --> 01:08:37,600
Decent party.
1495
01:08:42,700 --> 01:08:44,600
Okay, I'll give you decent.

1496
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:58,300
Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.
1497
01:08:58,400 --> 01:08:59,800
I don't know.
I haven't seen him
in a couple of days.
1498
01:08:59,900 --> 01:09:01,100
I hope he's not sick.
1499
01:09:01,300 --> 01:09:03,500
Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!
1500
01:09:03,600 --> 01:09:05,200
Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.
1501
01:09:05,300 --> 01:09:06,500
No.
Oh, yes.
1502
01:09:06,500 --> 01:09:09,000
Yes, yes, yes.
Come over here.
Okay.
1503
01:09:10,700 --> 01:09:12,400
Gotta up
the gorgeous quotient.
1504
01:09:13,100 --> 01:09:15,800
Okay. Get ready and now.
1505
01:09:15,900 --> 01:09:17,900
Cheers!
1506
01:09:19,100 --> 01:09:20,400
Schrader.
1507
01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:24,100
Schrader, come on, open up.
1508
01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:26,400
What are you...

1509
01:09:27,300 --> 01:09:28,900
What the hell happened to you?
1510
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:34,700
Nothing. Just a little
ritual bonding over
at the B.K.E. House.
1511
01:09:34,900 --> 01:09:36,500
What?
What are you talking about?
1512
01:09:36,600 --> 01:09:39,300
They kicked my ass,
until I told them
all about South Harmon.
1513
01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:41,300
Oh, shit.
1514
01:09:41,700 --> 01:09:44,300
They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.
1515
01:09:45,800 --> 01:09:47,600
Shit. Man, I'm sorry.
1516
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,700
All I ever wanted
was a run-of-the-mill
college experience.
1517
01:09:50,700 --> 01:09:52,600
But not me, right?
I can't have that.
1518
01:09:52,700 --> 01:09:53,700
Not me!
1519
01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:55,500
'Cause I'm too busy
getting the shit
kicked out of me
1520
01:09:55,600 --> 01:09:56,900
and being an accomplice
to fraud!

1521
01:09:57,000 --> 01:09:58,600
Does
the run-of-the-mill
college experience
1522
01:09:58,600 --> 01:10:00,100
include stripping you
of your dignity?
1523
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:03,300
Totally humiliating you,
making you wear a... a... a
frigging hot dog suit?
1524
01:10:03,400 --> 01:10:04,900
It's a tradition.
A tradition?
1525
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,600
Yes.
I got a tradition
for you.
1526
01:10:06,700 --> 01:10:09,900
Schrader, you've been
my best friend
since we were 5 years old.
1527
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:11,800
That's the only tradition
I know.
1528
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:24,000
I just messed up.
I really messed up.
1529
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:25,800
How? What happened?
1530
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:27,200
With Schrader.
1531
01:10:27,300 --> 01:10:29,000
I know Bartleby
is by the pool.
1532
01:10:29,100 --> 01:10:30,200

Oh, my God.
1533
01:10:30,400 --> 01:10:31,500
What is it? Cops?
1534
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,500
Worse. Parents.
1535
01:10:35,300 --> 01:10:37,800
Mom! Dad! Great!
1536
01:10:38,000 --> 01:10:39,500
Hey, guys.
1537
01:10:39,600 --> 01:10:41,400
Bartleby! Hiya, kid!
1538
01:10:41,700 --> 01:10:43,700
Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!
1539
01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:46,300
Oh, it's great
to see you. Ow.
You look thin.
1540
01:10:46,300 --> 01:10:48,700
There's five good ones
right there
for my college boy, huh?
1541
01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,100
Hey, hey, Dad.
1542
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,900
Wha... What... What... What
are you doing here?
1543
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:54,000
Well, Parents' Day.
1544
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:56,500
What a wonderful idea
on the part of the college,
you know?
1545
01:10:56,500 --> 01:10:58,200

Yeah.
Oh, right.
1546
01:10:58,300 --> 01:11:00,400
Parents' Day.
Of course.
1547
01:11:00,500 --> 01:11:03,200
Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.
1548
01:11:03,300 --> 01:11:05,500
And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.
1549
01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:08,500
Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned
1550
01:11:08,500 --> 01:11:10,300
a-around the grounds
and the campus,
1551
01:11:10,300 --> 01:11:12,000
Show you
what we've been working on
all year.
1552
01:11:12,100 --> 01:11:13,700
So, welcome one and all.
Excuse me,
everyone.
1553
01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:14,900
May I have
your attention, please?
1554
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:16,200
Oh, shit.
1555
01:11:16,300 --> 01:11:17,600
I knew I smelled bacon.
1556
01:11:17,900 --> 01:11:19,700
My name is Richard Van Horne.
1557
01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:20,800
Oh, Van Horne, yes.

1558
01:11:20,900 --> 01:11:23,400
The... The dean
of Harmon College,
our big sister school.
1559
01:11:23,500 --> 01:11:25,400
Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.
1560
01:11:25,500 --> 01:11:27,500
Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.
1561
01:11:27,600 --> 01:11:29,100
They are our
big sister school,
1562
01:11:29,100 --> 01:11:31,400
and we are honored
by their presence.
1563
01:11:31,400 --> 01:11:35,100
Thank you for that nice
introduction, young man,
but the joke is over.
1564
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:36,900
Ladies and gentlemen,
1565
01:11:36,900 --> 01:11:39,200
South Harmon
Institute of Technology
1566
01:11:39,300 --> 01:11:41,800
is not the sister school
of Harmon
1567
01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:43,600
or of anything else,
for that matter.
1568
01:11:43,700 --> 01:11:45,400
More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.
1569
01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:47,900
It is not accredited.

Any...
1570
01:11:48,100 --> 01:11:51,000
Nor is it truly
an educational institution.
1571
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:54,900
Is this true, Bartleby?
1572
01:11:56,100 --> 01:11:58,600
It is a sham, a fraud,
1573
01:11:58,900 --> 01:12:01,600
that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,
1574
01:12:01,700 --> 01:12:03,300
and I invite you
to confirm that
1575
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:05,700
with the State Board
of Accreditation.
1576
01:12:05,800 --> 01:12:08,000
To all those students
who have been duped,
1577
01:12:08,100 --> 01:12:10,400
good luck applying
to schools next year.
1578
01:12:10,500 --> 01:12:14,700
And to Mr. Gaines
I say you will be hearing
from our attorneys.
1579
01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:21,300
Wow, Parents' Day.
Man, I wish I would have
thought of that.
1580
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:24,200
Oh, that's right, I did.
1581
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:25,800
Oh, and by the way,

1582
01:12:25,900 --> 01:12:27,500
if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,
1583
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:29,200
will you tell him
that his lease
automatically breaks
1584
01:12:29,300 --> 01:12:31,200
when he's found
guilty of fraud?
1585
01:12:31,300 --> 01:12:32,600
Cool. Thanks, D.
1586
01:12:32,700 --> 01:12:34,200
Er, was it G?
1587
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,500
That's right, it's F.
See you, F.
1588
01:12:39,300 --> 01:12:41,100
Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.
1589
01:12:41,100 --> 01:12:44,600
You have done
some stupid things
in your life, Bartleby,
1590
01:12:45,000 --> 01:12:46,400
but this...
1591
01:12:46,900 --> 01:12:49,800
You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.
1592
01:12:50,100 --> 01:12:51,700
This is unconscionable.
1593
01:12:54,500 --> 01:12:55,400
Ridiculous.
1594
01:12:57,900 --> 01:12:58,900
Hey.

1595
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,600
So,
1596
01:13:04,300 --> 01:13:05,900
none of this was real?
1597
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,300
That's not true.
1598
01:13:08,900 --> 01:13:11,200
Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.
1599
01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:12,800
Monica.
1600
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:18,000
Sorry, man.
1601
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:19,800
It's cool. We tried.
1602
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,200
Have you completely
lost your mind?
1603
01:15:15,300 --> 01:15:18,000
Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of people
1604
01:15:18,100 --> 01:15:20,500
with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.
1605
01:15:20,500 --> 01:15:21,700
Well that's us, isn't it?
1606
01:15:21,700 --> 01:15:24,100
I mean, you know,
with the word "higher"
kind of loosely defined.
1607
01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:26,900
Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.
1608

01:15:27,000 --> 01:15:28,700
No, no. Listen,
all we have to do
1609
01:15:28,800 --> 01:15:30,400
is go before
the state accrediting board,
1610
01:15:30,500 --> 01:15:32,700
with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.
1611
01:15:32,700 --> 01:15:35,200
B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?
1612
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:37,400
What are we
talking about here, huh?
1613
01:15:37,500 --> 01:15:38,800
We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.
1614
01:15:38,900 --> 01:15:40,100
I mean,
if a stupid piece of paper
1615
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:42,100
is what's gonna
make us acceptable,
1616
01:15:42,200 --> 01:15:44,000
then let's go for it.
Why not?
1617
01:15:44,100 --> 01:15:46,500
'Cause you gotta remember,
it's not just about us
anymore, okay?
1618
01:15:46,600 --> 01:15:48,700
It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.
1619
01:15:50,300 --> 01:15:52,000
Ah, great speech.
1620

01:15:52,300 --> 01:15:54,400
I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.
1621
01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:56,500
Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.
1622
01:15:56,600 --> 01:15:57,700
What are you doing here?
1623
01:15:57,700 --> 01:16:00,400
Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.
1624
01:16:00,500 --> 01:16:03,800
Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.
1625
01:16:05,100 --> 01:16:06,300
Wait a minute.
1626
01:16:06,400 --> 01:16:07,700
Come on!
1627
01:16:07,800 --> 01:16:10,000
You're the one that applied
for accreditation,
aren't you?
1628
01:16:10,100 --> 01:16:12,300
Well, someone had
to do it, you know?
1629
01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:14,400
We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.
1630
01:16:14,500 --> 01:16:16,700
I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.
1631
01:16:16,800 --> 01:16:18,300
You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.
1632
01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:20,300
I didn't want to have

anything to do with it.
1633
01:16:20,300 --> 01:16:23,500
I wanted to be
the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.
1634
01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:24,700
But then I realized,
1635
01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:27,300
I would much rather be
the first generation
of Schrader
1636
01:16:27,400 --> 01:16:30,000
to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1637
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:31,400
I said it, okay?
I said it.
1638
01:16:31,500 --> 01:16:33,100
So you're saying,
1639
01:16:33,100 --> 01:16:34,900
you're saying
you want to be
a S.H.I.T. head?
1640
01:16:35,300 --> 01:16:37,700
I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. head.
1641
01:16:37,700 --> 01:16:38,800
I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
1642
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,900
Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
1643
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,100
Yes.
Yeah!
1644
01:16:43,100 --> 01:16:44,200
Yay!

1645
01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:45,500
All right,
so we're doing it.
1646
01:16:45,600 --> 01:16:48,200
Thanks to this S.H.I.T. head,
we got a hearing
set for Friday.
1647
01:16:55,200 --> 01:16:56,300
Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.
1648
01:16:56,400 --> 01:16:58,100
All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious,
all right?
1649
01:16:58,200 --> 01:16:59,400
If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.
1650
01:16:59,400 --> 01:17:01,600
Oh, don't worry,
you're young.
Your butt can take it.
1651
01:17:01,700 --> 01:17:03,800
Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.
1652
01:17:03,900 --> 01:17:06,000
We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.
1653
01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:09,300
Okay, actually
your meeting room's been
changed to the Grand Hall.
1654
01:17:09,400 --> 01:17:11,600
Why the change?
It's bigger.
1655
01:17:17,900 --> 01:17:19,700
How did they...
Rory called them.

1656
01:17:19,800 --> 01:17:20,900
The whole school?
1657
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:22,400
I had to do something.
1658
01:17:24,600 --> 01:17:27,300
This meeting of
the State Board of Education
will come to order.
1659
01:17:27,400 --> 01:17:30,400
Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditation
1660
01:17:30,500 --> 01:17:33,200
for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1661
01:17:33,300 --> 01:17:36,100
Your case for accreditation
is being contested
1662
01:17:36,200 --> 01:17:37,900
by Dean Richard Van Horne,
1663
01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:39,500
representing Harmon College.
1664
01:17:44,300 --> 01:17:45,700
Loser. Loser.
1665
01:17:45,800 --> 01:17:48,700
In order to become accredited,
1666
01:17:49,100 --> 01:17:51,700
a school must meet
three requirements.
1667
01:17:51,700 --> 01:17:55,200
You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.
1668
01:17:56,100 --> 01:17:57,500
Please state your case.
1669

01:17:57,800 --> 01:17:59,400
You're on, kid.
1670
01:18:00,000 --> 01:18:02,400
What? Wha... I thought
you were gonna handle this.
What are you doing?
1671
01:18:02,500 --> 01:18:04,700
Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.
1672
01:18:04,700 --> 01:18:07,800
Nobody knows South Harmon
and these kids
better than you.
1673
01:18:07,900 --> 01:18:09,600
So, it's showtime.
1674
01:18:09,700 --> 01:18:11,200
Let's kick some ass.
1675
01:18:11,600 --> 01:18:14,100
You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.
1676
01:18:14,500 --> 01:18:16,100
Sling some bull.
1677
01:18:16,900 --> 01:18:18,200
Oh, God.
1678
01:18:18,700 --> 01:18:19,900
Okay.
1679
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:22,000
Uh,
1680
01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:25,500
ladies and gentlemen
of the panel, thank you
for meeting with us.
1681
01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:28,900
Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of

1682
01:18:29,000 --> 01:18:30,700
South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1683
01:18:42,100 --> 01:18:44,100
Sorry. Friends of mine.
1684
01:18:44,900 --> 01:18:46,700
Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all,
1685
01:18:46,800 --> 01:18:48,300
w-what were those
three things that you listed?
1686
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:51,100
A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.
1687
01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:52,300
Facility, right.
1688
01:18:52,400 --> 01:18:54,200
Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.
1689
01:18:54,300 --> 01:18:57,400
Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.
1690
01:18:57,700 --> 01:18:59,500
Uh, we have
a skateboard ramp.
1691
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:01,000
We got a tiki bar. Umm...
1692
01:19:01,100 --> 01:19:03,800
They have leased
an old mental hospital.
1693
01:19:03,900 --> 01:19:06,100
They have
none of the traditional
support facilities
1694
01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:07,200

or resources.
1695
01:19:07,300 --> 01:19:10,700
Mr. Gaines,
do you have a formal
athletic facility?
1696
01:19:10,800 --> 01:19:13,100
Okay, uh,
by formal you mean...
1697
01:19:15,800 --> 01:19:17,300
No. No, we don't.
1698
01:19:17,300 --> 01:19:18,700
A library?
1699
01:19:20,600 --> 01:19:21,700
No.
1700
01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:24,000
A health services center?
No.
1701
01:19:25,000 --> 01:19:26,000
No.
1702
01:19:28,500 --> 01:19:29,900
Your curriculum?
1703
01:19:29,900 --> 01:19:31,200
Our curriculum?
Yes.
1704
01:19:31,200 --> 01:19:35,200
Do you have a course book?
A comprehensive list
of your available classes?
1705
01:19:35,200 --> 01:19:38,200
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...
1706
01:19:50,300 --> 01:19:51,700
What is this?
1707
01:19:51,700 --> 01:19:54,600

Our curriculum.
These are the courses
we offer at South Harmon.
1708
01:19:55,600 --> 01:19:58,700
This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?
1709
01:19:58,700 --> 01:20:01,000
Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,
1710
01:20:01,100 --> 01:20:03,300
how does one major
in bumper stickers?
1711
01:20:03,900 --> 01:20:05,000
Sir, um...
1712
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:06,100
I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.
1713
01:20:06,200 --> 01:20:08,400
I fail to see any merit
1714
01:20:08,500 --> 01:20:12,000
or scholastic value
in anything listed
on that board.
1715
01:20:12,500 --> 01:20:14,900
Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?
1716
01:20:14,900 --> 01:20:17,000
In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"
1717
01:20:17,000 --> 01:20:19,100
we get to think about
what we want to do
with our lives
1718
01:20:19,100 --> 01:20:20,800
in a stress-free environment.
1719
01:20:21,300 --> 01:20:24,800
"Let It Speak To You 202"
is an art class in which

we discover our talents
1720
01:20:24,800 --> 01:20:27,100
by examining our
personal life experiences.
1721
01:20:27,200 --> 01:20:30,500
In "Skateboarding 234"
we built a ramp that teaches
us about engineering...
1722
01:20:30,500 --> 01:20:32,200
And physics.
And aerodynamics.
1723
01:20:32,300 --> 01:20:34,200
In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"
1724
01:20:34,200 --> 01:20:37,600
we listen to the music
and lyrical angst
of a lost generation.
1725
01:20:37,900 --> 01:20:39,300
And we rock our faces off.
1726
01:20:44,400 --> 01:20:45,600
They do.
1727
01:20:48,000 --> 01:20:50,300
Do you have
faculty present?
1728
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:51,900
Yes, we do, sir.
1729
01:20:52,900 --> 01:20:54,400
Faculty, stand.
1730
01:20:58,300 --> 01:20:59,700
What is the meaning
of this?
1731
01:20:59,800 --> 01:21:01,900
See, at South Harmon,
sir, the students
are the teachers.

1732
01:21:02,000 --> 01:21:03,800
Aw, this is preposterous.
1733
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:06,900
Students are not
and cannot be teachers.
1734
01:21:07,100 --> 01:21:08,400
Dean Van Horne
is right.
1735
01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:12,600
You must have a faculty
as defined by the state,
or you cannot be accredited.
1736
01:21:16,900 --> 01:21:20,900
Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?
1737
01:21:24,900 --> 01:21:26,000
Um...
1738
01:21:29,200 --> 01:21:30,500
Present and accounted for.
1739
01:21:30,600 --> 01:21:31,700
Oh, for God's sake.
1740
01:21:31,700 --> 01:21:35,500
Dr. Alexander, this man
has not been a part of
academia for three decades.
1741
01:21:35,600 --> 01:21:38,000
We were on the faculty
together at Harmon
in our late 20s,
1742
01:21:38,100 --> 01:21:39,300
and he washed out.
1743
01:21:39,400 --> 01:21:42,400
He's a drunk,
he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.
1744

01:21:42,500 --> 01:21:45,000
Hey, asshole!
You're talking about
my mom's brother!
1745
01:21:45,100 --> 01:21:47,100
Oh, sit down!
Okay.
1746
01:21:47,200 --> 01:21:51,000
Hey! Why don't you take
your PhD and shove it
up your A-S-S?
1747
01:21:56,900 --> 01:21:59,600
Settle down
right this minute!
1748
01:21:59,600 --> 01:22:02,500
Dean Lewis! Sit down.
1749
01:22:03,500 --> 01:22:04,700
Order!
1750
01:22:06,300 --> 01:22:07,400
Couldn't help myself.
1751
01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:09,500
So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?
1752
01:22:09,500 --> 01:22:13,700
You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?
1753
01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:17,600
Mr. Gaines.
1754
01:22:18,800 --> 01:22:20,300
Answer the question.
1755
01:22:20,400 --> 01:22:22,000
Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question,
1756
01:22:22,100 --> 01:22:23,800
'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.

1757
01:22:23,900 --> 01:22:24,900
I'm an expert in rejection,
1758
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:26,700
and I can see it
on your faces.
1759
01:22:26,800 --> 01:22:29,100
And it's too bad
that you judge us
by the way we look
1760
01:22:29,200 --> 01:22:31,000
and not by who we are.
1761
01:22:31,000 --> 01:22:32,900
Just because you want us
to be more like them
1762
01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:34,500
when the truth is
we're not like them.
1763
01:22:34,600 --> 01:22:36,800
And I am damn proud
of that fact.
1764
01:22:39,100 --> 01:22:40,500
Rock on!
1765
01:22:42,000 --> 01:22:43,200
I mean,
1766
01:22:44,100 --> 01:22:47,600
Harmon College and their...
and their 100 years
of tradition.
1767
01:22:47,700 --> 01:22:49,200
But tradition of what?
1768
01:22:49,300 --> 01:22:50,800
Of hazing kids
1769
01:22:51,500 --> 01:22:54,100
and humiliating anyone

who's a little bit different?
1770
01:22:54,200 --> 01:22:55,300
Of putting
so much pressure on kids
1771
01:22:55,400 --> 01:22:57,600
they turn into these...
these stress freaks
and caffeine addicts.
1772
01:22:57,700 --> 01:23:00,900
Your phony school
demeans real colleges
everywhere!
1773
01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:03,800
Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?
1774
01:23:03,900 --> 01:23:05,600
You can have your grades,
and your rules
1775
01:23:05,600 --> 01:23:07,500
and your structure,
and your ivory towers,
1776
01:23:07,500 --> 01:23:08,700
and then we'll do things
our way.
1777
01:23:08,700 --> 01:23:10,700
Why do we have to conform
to what you want?
1778
01:23:10,800 --> 01:23:14,000
Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.
1779
01:23:14,100 --> 01:23:15,400
You know what?
You're a criminal.
1780
01:23:15,400 --> 01:23:17,800
'Cause you rob these kids
of their creativity
and their passion.

1781
01:23:17,800 --> 01:23:19,700
That's the real crime!
1782
01:23:19,800 --> 01:23:21,400
Yeah.
Maybe he's right.
1783
01:23:24,200 --> 01:23:25,300
Well, what about you parents?
1784
01:23:25,400 --> 01:23:27,600
Did... Did the system
really work out for you?
1785
01:23:27,700 --> 01:23:29,200
Did it teach you
to follow your heart,
1786
01:23:29,300 --> 01:23:31,600
or to just play it safe,
roll over?
1787
01:23:31,700 --> 01:23:33,100
What about you guys?
1788
01:23:33,200 --> 01:23:35,100
Did you always want to be
school administrators?
1789
01:23:35,100 --> 01:23:36,600
Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?
1790
01:23:36,600 --> 01:23:39,000
Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.
1791
01:23:39,600 --> 01:23:41,600
Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.
1792
01:23:41,700 --> 01:23:43,800
Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.
1793
01:23:43,900 --> 01:23:46,100
Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.

1794
01:23:46,300 --> 01:23:47,700
I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.
1795
01:23:47,800 --> 01:23:49,300
Dad, especially to you.
1796
01:23:49,300 --> 01:23:52,800
But out of that desperation,
something happened
that was so amazing.
1797
01:23:52,900 --> 01:23:54,200
Life was full
of possibilities.
1798
01:23:54,200 --> 01:23:56,400
A-A-And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?
1799
01:23:56,500 --> 01:23:59,700
As parents, I mean,
is... is that,
is possibilities.
1800
01:24:02,300 --> 01:24:04,100
Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,
1801
01:24:04,200 --> 01:24:06,300
and something
just occurred to me.
1802
01:24:06,400 --> 01:24:08,200
I don't give a shit!
1803
01:24:08,600 --> 01:24:10,000
Who cares about your approval?
1804
01:24:10,100 --> 01:24:12,900
We don't need your approval
to tell us that
what we did was real.
1805
01:24:12,900 --> 01:24:14,600
'Cause there are so few truths
in this world,

1806
01:24:14,700 --> 01:24:16,300
that when you see one,
you know it.
1807
01:24:16,400 --> 01:24:18,100
And I know that it is a truth
1808
01:24:18,100 --> 01:24:20,000
that real learning
took place at South Harmon.
1809
01:24:20,000 --> 01:24:21,800
Whether you like it or not,
it did.
1810
01:24:21,800 --> 01:24:24,100
'Cause you don't need teachers
or classrooms
1811
01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:26,700
or... or fancy
highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.
1812
01:24:26,700 --> 01:24:28,900
You just need people
with a desire
to better themselves,
1813
01:24:28,900 --> 01:24:31,800
and we got that
by the shitload
at South Harmon.
1814
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,200
So you can go ahead,
sign your forms,
1815
01:24:34,300 --> 01:24:37,000
reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.
1816
01:24:37,100 --> 01:24:38,800
It doesn't really matter
at this point.
1817
01:24:38,900 --> 01:24:40,200

Because we'll never
stop learning,
1818
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:41,500
and we'll never stop growing,
1819
01:24:41,600 --> 01:24:43,800
and we'll never forget
the ideals that were
instilled in us
1820
01:24:43,900 --> 01:24:45,100
at our place.
1821
01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:46,700
'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. heads now,
1822
01:24:46,700 --> 01:24:48,300
and we'll be
S.H.I.T. heads forever
1823
01:24:48,300 --> 01:24:50,400
and nothing you can say
or do or stamp
1824
01:24:50,500 --> 01:24:52,400
can take that away from us!
So go!
1825
01:24:58,700 --> 01:25:00,000
Go ahead!
1826
01:25:05,000 --> 01:25:06,200
Everyone,
1827
01:25:06,300 --> 01:25:08,100
please, quiet down.
1828
01:25:08,500 --> 01:25:10,300
Everyone, please
quiet down.
1829
01:25:10,600 --> 01:25:12,200
Quiet down. Please.
1830
01:25:14,200 --> 01:25:15,600

Thank you.
1831
01:25:29,900 --> 01:25:31,300
Mr. Gaines,
1832
01:25:32,100 --> 01:25:35,200
your presentation
was unorthodox,
1833
01:25:35,400 --> 01:25:36,700
to say the least,
1834
01:25:36,800 --> 01:25:38,400
and your methodology is
1835
01:25:38,500 --> 01:25:40,300
questionable at best.
1836
01:25:40,400 --> 01:25:41,400
However,
1837
01:25:41,500 --> 01:25:45,500
the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity
1838
01:25:45,600 --> 01:25:48,000
and the passions
of the student body.
1839
01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:50,900
And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.
1840
01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:55,700
This board does not
reject innovation,
1841
01:25:55,700 --> 01:25:57,900
but it must be
watched carefully.
1842
01:25:57,900 --> 01:25:59,300
Therefore,
1843
01:25:59,900 --> 01:26:02,100
the South Harmon
Institute of Technology

1844
01:26:02,100 --> 01:26:05,300
will be granted a one-year
probationary period
1845
01:26:05,400 --> 01:26:08,800
in which to continue
its experimental programs.
1846
01:26:10,100 --> 01:26:13,300
Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.
1847
01:26:14,100 --> 01:26:15,300
Congratulations.
1848
01:26:30,500 --> 01:26:31,900
Mr. Gaines?
1849
01:26:32,800 --> 01:26:34,000
Trombone.
1850
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:35,100
What?
1851
01:26:35,200 --> 01:26:37,300
I wanted to play
jazz trombone.
1852
01:26:38,600 --> 01:26:40,600
It's never too late, sir.
1853
01:26:40,700 --> 01:26:42,000
Thank you.
1854
01:26:51,400 --> 01:26:52,500
Hey.
Hey.
1855
01:26:52,600 --> 01:26:54,100
What are you doing here?
1856
01:26:54,200 --> 01:26:56,700
I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life
1857

01:26:56,700 --> 01:26:59,500
that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.
1858
01:26:59,500 --> 01:27:02,200
So, why can't the opposite
be true?
1859
01:27:16,200 --> 01:27:20,600
This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.
1860
01:27:20,700 --> 01:27:23,300
You have been orientated
for years.
1861
01:27:23,400 --> 01:27:25,500
Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"
1862
01:27:25,600 --> 01:27:28,200
I'm not interested!
You figure it out.
1863
01:27:28,700 --> 01:27:30,300
I only wanted
big things for you,
Bartleby.
1864
01:27:30,400 --> 01:27:31,800
I'd say this is pretty big.
1865
01:27:31,900 --> 01:27:33,500
Thanks, Dad.
Ah!
1866
01:27:34,300 --> 01:27:35,400
Thanks, Pop.
1867
01:27:35,500 --> 01:27:37,400
Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.
1868
01:27:37,500 --> 01:27:39,900
Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.
1869
01:27:41,700 --> 01:27:43,200

Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.
1870
01:27:43,300 --> 01:27:44,900
And I appreciate the smile.
1871
01:27:45,000 --> 01:27:47,300
Schrads!
Hey, no time for chit-chat,
my friend.
1872
01:27:47,400 --> 01:27:50,100
I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!
1873
01:27:50,200 --> 01:27:52,300
At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semester
1874
01:27:52,400 --> 01:27:55,700
by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.
1875
01:27:56,700 --> 01:28:00,400
I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze.
Ka-blam!
1876
01:28:00,600 --> 01:28:03,100
Eddie, we gotta pack
these paninis for Rory's
nature walk.
1877
01:28:03,100 --> 01:28:04,300
Pronto!
1878
01:28:04,700 --> 01:28:07,200
And someone
get a rabbi down here
to bless this chicken.
1879
01:28:07,300 --> 01:28:09,400
Tomorrow we're gonna
go kosher.
1880
01:28:10,000 --> 01:28:12,100
South Harmon
actually allowed me
the opportunity

1881
01:28:12,100 --> 01:28:13,700
to rediscover my passion
for the arts.
1882
01:28:13,800 --> 01:28:16,100
So I urge you guys
to do the same.
Let it come from the heart.
1883
01:28:16,200 --> 01:28:19,000
Let it come from inside.
And... And let the art
speak for itself.
1884
01:28:19,000 --> 01:28:20,600
You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.
1885
01:28:20,700 --> 01:28:22,000
Excuse me.
1886
01:28:22,100 --> 01:28:23,300
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1887
01:28:23,300 --> 01:28:26,000
If you're gonna take
my picture, you gotta take it
from my good side.
1888
01:28:26,100 --> 01:28:27,900
Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody around
1889
01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:30,300
that could show me
to my new dorm room,
would there?
1890
01:28:30,400 --> 01:28:33,300
As fate would have it,
I recall your room being
right next to mine.
1891
01:28:33,500 --> 01:28:35,000
Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?
1892

01:28:35,100 --> 01:28:37,100
Oh, no, no, no.
That would be
totally unacceptable.
1893
01:28:38,100 --> 01:28:40,500
And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.
1894
01:28:40,500 --> 01:28:43,200
You got four years,
these are the best years
of your life.
1895
01:28:43,300 --> 01:28:45,100
And then, you're.
1896
01:29:05,600 --> 01:29:07,000
I told you.
1897
01:29:08,000 --> 01:35:01,000
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2006, Accepted (Steve Pink)

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