50 Shades of BROWN
Content
Fifty Shades
of Brown
EL Gringo
© 2012 Set in Adobe Garamond Pro This work is a parody of an adult book. It is intended for adults only. No portions of the works parodied have been copied and this is an original work. 1st Edition 2012
Fifty Shades
of Brown
E L Gringo used to work on a rubbish TV show (the same one E L Smith worked on*) that nobody watches. He is currently in the throes of a getting far too old far too fast and loosing large amounts of hair (except in his nose and ass where the reverse is true). EL Gringo is looking to make a quick buck by ripping off a best-selling book that makes the ladies all funny down below. He is currently working a vampire novel called Twilightish. P.S. No-one has edited this book. At any point. Ever. P.P.S. Movie rights are going cheap. *This is actually true… she used to work on an interactive gambling channel… TV exec my arse.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am indebted to the following films and places for their insperation. Human Centipede. Human Centipede II. Two Girls One Cup. Seven Girls Finger Paining. Heston service station toilets.
EL Gringo
Fifty Shades
of Brown
This book is a parody of a very poorly written “erotic” novel. As a result this book is even more poorly written than its source material. The central character is repulsive and conducts matters in the most unpc way possible. If you are a Daily Mail reading - right wing - middle class moron; this book will offend you. You have been warned. However, it might make you laugh and or produce a little sex wee.
For Sven, please remove the nipple clamps, my man bullets are becoming infected.
BOOK ONE
CHAPTER ONE
G
od-damned lice! My hair is riddled with them! I look into my bathroom mirror, my hair is moving around by itself – it has become an eco-system. I blast my blonde wildlife preserve in hair spray in the hope that the CS gasses decimate my lice population. Unfortunately this results in my hair looking like Bjork’s after electro-shock treatment. Crap. It’ll have to do. Aside from the art installation atop my head – I look hot! Big tits, good round ass, fuck me now eyes - hopefully the person interviewing me today hasn’t had sex in ages. Oh yes, I fOrgOt abOut that! My job interview. Ah, well – it’s not really my job interview – I’m actually doing it as a favour for my flatmate – if you can believe that. Somehow my flatmate, who’s interview this technically is, accidently on purpose drank neat bleach. Being a good flatmate, the type who would never poison their flatmate, I’m going to go along – pretend to be her – then explain that I’m not her – flash my tits – fuck the person interviewing me (male or female – I’m taking a strap on just in case) - get the job – and theeeennnnn evict my current flatmate. alIce, my sOOn tO be ex-flatmate, is lying in her room in a pool of her own vomit. “Bella, BARRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, thank you so much for volunteering to go and apologise for me for not being able to attend my interview – HURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH – they’ll really appreciate the effort. You’re a real GURGLE – SPLAT – pal!” hmmm – maybe I shOuldn’t have laced Alice’s Lemonade with quite so much Domestos. Alice is so dog sick she looks like a super-model after a night out at an all you can eat buffet. I ignore my oh-so-slight feeling of guilt because Alice is a bitch and she deserves it.
“Anything for you Alice. Would you like some more Lemonade?” Heh heh heh! “Oh you are a sweet, what would I do withou… HARRRGHHGHHHHWURRRHHH!!! OH GOD! I THINK I’M GONNA DIE! WURRRRRRRGGGGHHGHGHGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” What a fuckIng drama queen. I leave Alice to swim in her own gut juice and get dressed into my sexiest red outfit – the one my boobs keep popping out of – and set off to put my foot firmly on the employment ladder. enterIng alIce’s car, I set Off on my twenty mile journey to Croydon. Being an American, I have never been to Croydon – but I have heard such wondrous things of it. The Las Vegas of England, the Pearl of London. I heard that the streets are lined with gold and the children smile moonbeam wide. What a load of bollocks! After my three hour journey (that I could have walked quicker) to this so called land of plenty – I feel somewhat disappointed. Burnt out cars, people on fire, children jacking up on Heroin. I pull up OutsIde the Only buIldIng in this shit-hole that isn’t smeared in excrement and blood; it is large – modern and gleaming. A neon sign atop it glows in sepia tones “BROWN HOUSE”. This is the place, think sexy Bella and the job is yours. I exit the car and immediately it is clamped. Not only is Croydon the very gate of hell, but its inhabitants (especially its parking attendants) are a bunch of total and utter cunts. I enter brOWn hOuse, my concealed strap on makes it hard to walk. How do guys do this? It’s like having a child’s leg dangling from your never-regions. I approach the reception desk whilst trying to keep the Black Mamba (that’s the name of my strap on) in place. Behind the desk is a woman who looks like a cross between a zombie and Daffy Duck.
“HEHWO” says this special lady; sounding somewhat like she’s chewing on marbles. “Hello”, I say “I’m Alice Harper, I’m expected”. Lies. “WAY HERE” – OMG – she’s a retard! the specIal lady shOuts tO anOther person and lo and behold another one enters the room. I double take, two of them! Special Number Two lumbers towards me, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella. I suddenly and uncontrollably thrust my strap on girth towards Special Number Two. She runs away from me in a muffled howl of fright. perhaps the bOss here InsIsts on all the staff being mentally challenged, if so I’m a shoe in. Then it happens, a large boardroom door opens and in he steps. I think heaven just crapped out an angel. He might look like a hobo, smell like a hobo and dress like a hobo – but this look of abject poverty makes it obvious that this man is a home owner. Home owner = rich. Rich = wet thighs. “Alice Harper?!” he says at me quizzically. “Yes.” I reply, trying to hide the fact my thighs are steaming. “You, err, look somewhat different to the photo attached to your resume.” crap, crap and dOuble crap. Think fast Bella. “Car crash!” I blurt out. “Horrible fucking car crash smashed me up! Doctors did a great job fixing my face and everything, I look much sexier now – I was a bit of a minger before!” “Oh… I see. Well… I’m Edward Cullen Brown, CEO of Brown Industries. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Alice, you’re resume
was very impressive…” “Yadda yadda yadda, yeah whatever. Look, Eddie, what I really want to know is - what’s with the two spastics over there?” Edward looks shocked. “Spastics?! Ms Harper that’s a very unpleasant terminology – besides my two assistants have just returned from major dental surgery.” Crap, crap, crappity crap crap. “Hahahaha – I knew that you twat!” I say, punching Edward in the arm. “Right then, shall we do this?” mr brOWn lOOks lIke he has his underwear wedged up his arse crack – a strange mix of discomfort and anger. “Okay Ms Harper… okay. Just to make you aware - our Human Resources Manager, Jill, will be sitting in on this interview… just try not to shock her quite as much as you have me.” edWard beckOns me In the boardroom. Shit. There is going to be two of them… thank God I wore a strap on… he can take me from behind and I’ll fuck the suit senseless with my 6 inch strap on black love doctor. Get your game face on Bella - think dirty thoughts… maybe not that dirty… I’ve made a little sex wee. I enter the bOardrOOm in a slight moist discomfort and Edward motions me towards a chair. “Would you like to take a seat Ms Harper?” WOuld I lIke tO take a… FUCK THAT SHIT! I’ve got to work fast if this is going to pay off. Remember Bella, this always works in all the best pornos – and pornography never lies. I pull down
the top of my dress and my naked breasts bounce into the open. Jill and Edward look at me in bewilderment, their jaws literally on the floor. I lift my right breast up to my mouth and start licking my nipple. Yeah – this is the sexy shit Bella – work it baby. Jill, however, is starting to look less bewildered and more repulsed although Edward’s eyes have popped out of his sockets – one out of two isn’t too bad I guess – but I need both of them on my side to pull this shit off. Right Bella, time to turn up the heat on this frigid old bitch! I hIke up the bOttOm Of my dress and THE BLACK MAMBA boings into view. I approach Jill and slap her around the face a few times with the strap on. I’m not sure if this is working, she’s turned from a shade of purple to a colour I don’t recognise. Edward quickly interrupts. “MS HARPER, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” Oops. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. …Suddenly something very bad happens. that dIrty thOught I Was thInkIng is so dirty that coupled with the Black Mamba rubbing against my lady kebab – I uncontrollably gush all over Jill. My love juice sprays over her with such ferocity that she looks like a cat killed in a dishwasher. I lOOk at the nOW fumIng edWard. Why didn’t this work? Most men would have whipped their cock out by now and I’d be guzzling for England. He must not find me sexy; there can be only one answer… “Are you gay Mr Brown?” “Wha… wha… WHAT!” He stammers back at me.
“Do you bat for the other team? Do you take it up the bum? Do you tuck your cock behind your arse whilst humming the Crying Game? Do you slam another man whilst going for a reach around? Do you insert cardboard tubes up your chocolate love tunnel and let small mammals go exploring? Do you often gargle the words I love you? ARE YOU GAY?!” “ENOUGH!!!” screams Edward. there Is a lOng pause Of sIlence. Nobody says a word. The only sound is the occasional drip coming from the general direction of the now white and shaking Jill. I gingerly exit the room; I don’t think I’m going to take advice from a porno ever again.
CHAPTER TWO
arrive home, Alice is spread eagle on the living room floor. I’m not quite sure if she is breathing or not, who would have thought that consuming two litres of cleaning prod-ucts could make one this ill. as I pace back and fOrth around the room, I find myself surprised that the total cluster fuck that was my interview doesn’t bother me too much. What I AM bothered about is that I didn’t get a fuck! I’m hornier than a Nun on heat with a box of condoms – God-damn-it I NEED sex right now! Hang on a second... Alice isn’t moving! Suddenly a plan of pure cunning forms in my mind. I rip my black dildo off my waist and throw it aside. CRASH – I hear something break... Never-mind, its only the photo of Alice’s dead parents. I straddle Alice’s face. My moist thighs cover Alice in my smell (somewhat akin to a barrel of dead fish that has been left in the Sun for about three weeks) as I rub my fur burger all over her mouth. a sudden randOm thOught distracts me... Mr Brown... Edward! His features intoxicate me - his yellow teeth, the food in his beard, the strange aroma of urine. Is this the man I have been searching for my whole life? I never knew love could take such a pure wonderful form. My mind wanders further... Edward... oooohhhh, such a manly man of a name! I fantasise him bursting thru the door, his arms laden with Burberry as he whispers the words every woman wants to hear. “Baby, I’ve come to take you shoe shopping”. I rub my lady garden harder and harder on Alice’s face. I moan and grown so loud that I sound like a Yoko Ono record on the wrong speed. Edward, Edward, Edward... oooooohhhh crap! I was so lost in my inner thinkings that I almost failed to notice that Alice’s face now resembles a putrid pizza. Oh dear, I’ve started my period!
I
later that evenIng I am aWOken by Alice’s unholy screams. I think she must have looked in the mirror and realized like she is somewhat akin to an extra from Saw, not that Alice doesn’t deserve it... How dare she not tell me anything about the interview. Vomiting enough puke to feed all of Ethiopia doesn’t count as an excuse. I storm into her room to give the beeeach what for, instead I find myself talking about Edward – just the thought of his name makes me produce a little sex wee. Alice seems confused. “Bella, weren’t you there to give my apologies? Why did Mr Brown interview you?..” I shOuld be WOrrIed by this line of questioning, but thankfully Alice is a simpleton. “Oh Bella, isn’t it obvious... Mr Brown must be infatuated with you. The feeling must be mutual - I can see that you are infatuated with him also!” “I am Alice, truly, but I still can’t believe I asked him if he took it up the bum! I feel so embarrassed!” “Oh Bella, la la la, eat a Sandwich.” We talk Of edWard nO mOre. Pages and pages of witless crap pass by and then suddenly (whilst I am minding my own business in a supermarket no less) – as if by magic – Edward Brown appears! What the Jesus-Christ-Titty-Fucking is he doing here? Is he stalking me? Crap! Edward seems to literally run in the opposite direction when he sees me. Acting purely on impulse I grab a tin of Baked Beans and throw it at him, hoping this will gain his attention. “OUCH! WHAT THE FUCK!”, screams Edward as my Heinz branded ballistic missile smacks into the back of his head. Mr Brown storms over to me, his anger so visibly exciting... I rub my thighs in anticipation as he thunders towards me.
“MISS HARPER!”, he bellows. “ARE YOU STALKING ME?!” Hey that’s my line. It Is becOmIng apparent that the normal approaches don’t hold water with Mr Brown, so I decide to think outside the box. If this doesn’t get his attention, nothing will. “Photo-shoot”, I blurt. “I’ll pose naked for you in a photo-shoot. I’ll get my minge out and everything! I’ll place whatever you like up there, anything for you Edward!” edWard’s expressIOn Of rage turns to one of near horror. He shudders, turns around and starts to walk away. It is time for action Bella, are you a man or a mouse? Thinking about it, I’m neither, but hey its the thought that counts. Quickly I grab a piece of fruit – a banana. I shout to Edward who is now almost a dot in the distance. “LOOK! LOOK WHAT YOUR MISSING OUT ON!” I pull up my skIrt, wriggle down my panties and send my improvised yellow love truncheon where the sun don’t shine. Edward has turned round to witness my erotic display, his attention excites me – even if he is looking at me as if I was total scum. I decide to cook it up a notch. “Not impressed huh? Not impressed?! WHAT ABOUT THIS?!!” I pull the, nOW squIshed, banana Out Of me and toss it aside - then I grab a courgette. I load the courgette into my torpedo bay. Its a tight fit, but I still get it up there. This doesn’t seem to convince Edward. What next? With haste I replace the courgette with the only logical fruit based love toy – a pineapple. It feels somewhat like giving birth to a porcupine in reverse. edWard screams In repulsIOn “OH MY GOD!!!”. Hmmm, not
sexy enough for you Mr Brown? My you are a demanding customer. I squeeze the pineapple out from betwixt my thighs. It shoots out at high speed and hits some old woman with a Zimmer frame in the back. There is only one option left. As I grab it, Mr Brown’s face collapsed in utter horror. “LOOK WHAT I CAN FIT INTO MY CUNT, FUCKER!!” the mIdget I have grabbed shrieks in fright as I try to shove him head first into the jungle of no return. I push the midget deeper and deeper into me. I can feel him wriggling and struggling deep within me. For a midget he packs quite a punch, imagine Mike Tyson going twelve rounds inside your baby-sack. “Oh fuck me, my clunge is pounding like an Asian whores vagina!” I scream out loud between the throws of pain and ecstasy. I push hIm In further and further. All that can be now seen of this little fellow are his legs dangling from my fanny. Edward runs over and plucks my vertically challenged human tampon free. The midget lands on the floor with a squelch, trembling and shivering in shock. “Okay, okay!” Stutters Edward. “You can pose in a photo-shoot for me – just please stop.” I’m glad edWard has seen sense, after all I think my next option could have resulted in a prison sentence.
CHAPTER THREE
A
lice is so overjoyed that I can’t help but think that she has taken Valium. It would take a complete and utter tool not to realise that they had recently been poisoned with three quarts of industrial strength bleach – so that would make Alice a pumped up Valium induced tool! Its a good job for her that I don’t have the job “yet” because that would then make her a pumped up Valium induced homeless tool!!! I have been recItIng tO alIce an abridged account of my recent encounter with Edward. Somehow, in Alice’s tiny little acorn of a mind, posing naked for somebody at their manor house constitutes as a date. Well – I guess - why not. “A date with Edward Grey Brown? Oh goodie!” Garbles Alice as she reduces my to migraine status with her girlie / gay (delete as appropriate) rapturous claps of joy. Then her face drops! Has the Valium worn off or has she just pooped herself? No, its worse, much much worse. Alice has just used her brain. “Oh Bella. Oh sweetest Bella. Oh darling gorgeous friend of mind...” Get on with it you dizzy bint! “...Who is going to take these photos? Surely not Mr Brown, for he has Muscular Impulse Disorder in his hands, he can not hold anything heavier that a flower for fear of dropping it!” crap! crap Of desOlatIOn! Crap of Titan! Crappy crap crap of crapsville with a large festering dollop of crap on top. What the [REMOVED BY PUBLISHER] am I going to do now? Then, quite startlingly (and surprisingly I might add) Alice’s dour mode snaps back into hyperactive drag queen mode again.
“Oh joyous joy Bella, a wonderful thought has just entered my mind!” What? anOther One?! Quick – somebody call Guinness – the retard is on a roll! No... no it’s okay – call off the fire – she is just clapping and giggling like an epileptic in a bathtub. This strange seal like spectacle seems to go on for longer than the end of Return of the King. Hurry up Alice and say something before I stab you in the baby-maker. “Oh, please tell me your wonderful thought dearest Alice.” I say through gritted teeth. “Jong-Li! Jong-Li could take the photos! After all Mr Li is a photographer!” JOng-lI?! JOng-fuckIng-“Oh herrO”-lI?! Jong-Li is our landlord, a man whose grasp of Engrish is worse than your average “wannabe” fat female erotic writer’s! Jong-Li’s idea of photography is breaking into a woman’s house and snapping away at there soiled undergarments. This most certainly does not constitute as wonderful idea. As far as good ideas go this ranks right up there with Hitler musing “Hmmm – you know what – I’ll invade Poland – that’ll be fun”! Before I can relate my abject horror on the mater to Alice, she has already phoned Jong-Li and is relaying the situation to him. Thanks a bunch Alice! Next time I’ll poison you with something worse – like KFC! Well it’s too late now – Jong-Li has just agreed to be my David Bailey. Great – he gets to see me naked again! Shudder! that nIght I lOck myself aWay In my garage. Posing naked for Edward is one thing – leaving a lasting impression is another. I toil away all night like a female MacGyver. Like a female Mr T. with tits I slave away on – it - ! It – is the master stroke – the greatest thing I have ever thought of. Part robot – part flame thrower – Edward is never going to forget this! EVER!!!
three days later, Jong-Li and I arrive at Edward’s estate. Oh my god – its Wayne Manor!!! I always knew I’d decipher the mystery of Batman’s identity. The building looks like it has stood for a thousand years and has been loved and cared for for every second of it’s existence. A beautiful ornate pond sits in-front of the house, reflecting its splendour in the water. I exit Jong-Li’s car and he removes a box from the trunk. “What in the box bitch? You pack small child in there or what?” I gently request that he asks nO mOre questIOns concerning the box and that he remains quite and just partakes in photography for the following duration. For some strange reason, Jong-Li shrinks in fear as I speak to him... I can not for the life of me fathom why... “IT’S NON OF YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS – YOU FUCKING CUNT! DO I FUCKING GO FUCKING ASKING YOU WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING HAVE IN YOUR FUCKING BOX?! NO! FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF AND SHUT THE FUCKUP! DON’T FUCKING EVEN FUCKING BREATH! JUST TAKE YOUR FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK PHOTOS, THATS WHAT YOUR FUCKING HERE FOR YOU FUCKING FUCKNUT!” at that mOment the door to Edward’s abode opens and out steps the drop-dead-gorgeous-sex-bomb that is Mr Grey! “Yoo-hoo! Eddie!” I Wave WIth pure delIght at edWard. He shudders slightly but still walks towards me. “Ah, Miss Harper and this is...” Don’t speak Jong-Li or I will hurt you!
“...I’m Jong-Li. Why you call this crazy bitch Miss Harper? Her na.........” JOng-lI suddenly lOOses the abIlIty tO speak. It might have something to do with the fact that his now has a fist in his mouth and he is chewing on his own teeth. Edward ignores my display of affection towards Jong-Li and addresses me directly – looking deep into my eyes. Spurt. Oops – a little sex wee again. “A pleasure to meet you Sir. Welcome both to Brown Manor. I’m Edward Brown and the little cat by my feet is called Ginger – she was my wife’s before she died of cancer. I don’t often have guests here on account that most people seem to only be interested in me for one reason...” “Your trouser snake?” I blurt out with Tourette like skill. “Ha ha ha, no Miss Harper, my insane amounts of money! You, however, only seem interested in repulsing me on – what is now becoming – a daily basis. Do you know what? It makes quite a pleasant change!” thOse WOrds hang In the aIr lIke heavenly musIc, singing the inner parts of my soul and making me spurt a little – again. Unfortunately Jong-Li cuts through the moment like a crazed knife wielding maniac at an Abba concert. “You got this bitches number. She crazy. She used to rub her......” agaIn JOng-lI lOOses the abIlIty tO talk. This time it is on account of me punching him in the cock. “Miss Harper, before you simultaneously dazzle and scar me with your ‘alternative’ sex display, please let me culture you with a tour of my manor and tell you a little of its history. History? Booooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg!
the next thOusand hOurs blur in to one big mumble. Something about a collection of priceless Ming vases – I mean get over it– they are just vases – who cares?! Edward prattles on – I don’t give a shit who you brought this picture off, Leon Black - who? Why’s it called “The Scream”? It just looks like McCaulay Culkin shaving – what’s the big deal? Oooohhh look a framed letter... who the hell frames a letter anyway!? And who is Nelson Mandela?! I read it anyway – even though I can’t understand a bloody word of it - it helps block out the droning noise coming from Edward... (NB please see the oposite page >).
...enOugh Is enOugh, lets get on with this. I turn round to Edward... “Right – shall we do this?” “Errrr... I guess so.” “Okay! Where do you want me to setup?” “Here is okay I guess.” “Right – come back in 15 minutes – this shit is going to blow your socks off!!!”
Dear Mr Brown, Thank you so much for your support and understanding. Whilst I am incarcerated here for daring to believe in a better world, men such as yourself have become a beacon of light and have given mankind hope. You are evidence that my imprisonment has brought my cause to the world stage in a way previously impossible. Thank you for giving me a voice in these dark times. We all stand united in this world, every man is unique and different, this is what bonds us and makes us all equal. Hopefully the blind ones who can not see the obvious – will soon learn to see again. Your friend, Nelson Mandela
edWard sure takes hIs tIme! Forty five minutes later he finally enters the room and as he does his eyes almost completely pop out of their sockets. I’m not surprised, its not every day you stumble upon a lady dressed in a crotchless sexy nun-outfit straddling a robot doppelgänger of yourself whilst a crazed man runs around like a rabid baboon taking photos of everything. “What the hell is that?!” Edwards stammers, pointing at the crudely constructed robot of himself. “Oh that? That’s Robo-Eddie. Say hello Robo-Eddie.” “HELLO!” “You ready Robo-Eddie.” “YES!” “Okay lets do this!” I stretch myself as WIde as pOssIble and squeeze my pelvic floor – pop – out flies a ping pong ball. It hits Edward in the face. Edward seems shocked. He hasn’t seen anything yet! I squeeze my pelvic floor muscles again and this time from my lady bits comes a golf ball doused in petrol. Robo-Eddie then opens his mouth and shoots out a flame from his internal flame thrower. The jet of fire catches the golf ball and turns it into a flaming ballistic. The event is somewhat like a vaginal Olympic opening ceremony. The flaming golf ball of doom blasts through Edward’s vase collection, reducing it to smashed crockery in seconds. Edward lets out a ear splitting scream, wow that must have really impressed him. I decide to cook it up a notch and a fire out three petroleum based golf balls in quick succession. One of them hits Mr Brown’s rubbish picture of a slap-head screaming. It quickly becomes a painting of a flaming slap-head screaming. The next ball hits a beautiful ornate grand piano. The piano is quickly engulfed in a Hades like inferno. The final ball goes hurtling to-
-wards Edward’s signed letter from that Mandela person. Edward speeds towards the letter and grabs it off the wall before the fiery golf ball can hit it’s target. Unfortunately, Edward’s cack hands are unable to hold onto the frame and it drops to floor – shattering on impact. The shards of glass rip through the letter. The golf ball lands on-top of the letter and it evaporates into flames within seconds. Edward screams again – I’m pretty sure this times its not a scream of wonder. Jong-Li meanwhile is having a great time, getting pictures of the carnage that has been unfolding. “This make great Facebook material. Very funny!” unfOrtunately, When I made rObO-eddIe – I hadn’t left enough ventilation for the flame thrower. Deep within the bowls of Robo-Eddie – gas and heat combine and the robot explodes in a awesome fireball. The shock wave from Robo-Eddie’s destruction sends me flying through the window out into the grounds of Edward’s estate. I lOOk On as flames start to engulf his Manor house. Suddenly a flaming fur ball runs in-front of me – making an ungodly high pitched noise. I kick it away from me and it lands in the pond – extinguishing in the process. As it sinks, dead, into the water I suddenly realise what it was. Oh shit – I just killed Ginger. I dOn’t thInk edWard is going to be too pleased with me. I decide to leg it.
CHAPTER FOUR
I
return to my abode after spending four hours on a bus full of old people whilst dressed in my crotchless Nun outfit… It should have taken thirty minutes, but I gave some old codger a boner which resulted in a heart attack and then death. What a cock-guzzler. Thankfully the message on my phone cheers me up. Alice, it seems, has been arrested for burning down Edward Brown’s manor house. She used her one phone call to inform me of this wonderful fact whilst crying like a baby. Heh heh heh, so glad I never gave Edward my real name. I pace arOund my flat, thinking of new ways to get Edward to sample my watery delights . Time passes. Very. Very. Slowly. Seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into fortnights, fortnights into months, months into more months, more months into more months, Christmas holidays – yay, more months into further even more prolonged excruciating months, into even more bad formed sentences. Where oh where had Edward gone. His house had gone, his business guarded with mines, how to find him, how oh how, how – oh look another comma , . then salvatIOn came in the form of my most hated ally – JongLi! I Was havIng a nIce Warm relaxing candlelit bath, the thought of Mr Brown had long become a memory. The only thoughts on my mind were, “why is soap so slippery” and “wooooohhooo, now where has that soap gone” – when all of a sudden Jong-Bastard-Li bursts into the bathroom. “Hey crazy bitch, I find him!” I Jump Out Of my skIn. Pop – out flies the soap, hitting Jong-JizzGuzzling-Li in the face and sending him backwards into the wash basin.
JOng- lI sends fOrth a tOrrent of asian swears as he holds his cracked skull together. “WHAT THE TRICHOMONIASIS* ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM!” I screech at Jong-Li. “You crazy Bitch, I find Edward Brown, he in heavily protected hotel. Guards, they shoot you if you turn up.” my heart raIses tO a frenzy and is quickly dashed again. Oh how crewel of the fates to mock me with the discovery of my Edward, only to place him on a pedestal beyond my reach. “Don’t get down crazy lady - I have idea how to get you in!” I jump out of the bath in delight. “Jong-Li… Fetch the Chloroform… We’re going to work!” “Okay – but shave legs first – your legs hairier than Lesbians arm pits!”
*Please, for the love of God, never – ever – ever – Google Image this!
Out IntO the mIdnIght lIght I step, clad from head to toe in a black Ninja outfit. Behind me, my army, the staff of Ping-Pong’s boiled Dog restaurant – also dressed like Ninja’s. We stand in front of Eddie’s hotel. We’re going smash that bitch up RAID STYLE! Bravely I enter the lobby of Eddie’s hotel – Jong Li was spot on – the concierges have AK-47s for fucks sake. This is going to be tough. One of the concierges approaches me. “Fuck off.” He grunts.
Well, that’s nIce. No hello? No – can I help you Miss. Well, two can play this game! I WhIp Out my WeapOn – THE BLACK MAMBA! I swing it around my head – three day old stinky lady juice flies in all directions. Some lands in a concierge’s eye. “IT BURNS, IT BURNS” He screams. the cOncIerge WhO had been so nice gets the worst of it. I jump into the air and bring the Black Mamba down on him. It slips down his agape mouth, gagging him. The concierge runs around like a headless chicken in all directions, the six inch black weapon of mass destruction lodged down his throat. the last remaInIng cOncIerge trains his AK-47 on me. I give the signal and in storm my little friends. They jump on top of him, overpowering him with numbers. One of my Ninja friends pulls down the concierge’s pants while the other pulls out a jar labelled – SPECIAL SAUCE and smears it all over the concierge’s ass. As quick as they overpowered him, the Ninjas vanish. The concierge stands in the lobby laughing. “Is that all yOu’ve gOt?!”. Somebody should have told him that the Special Sauce was lady horse juice. Suddenly a huge black stallion bursts into the hotel lobby. The horse lets out a neigh, his massive penis erect and ready for action. The concierge shrieks as – – well - use your imagination - trust me it isn’t pretty watching a man get raped by Mr Ed. I quIckly head Out Of the lobby towards Edwards hotel room – breaking down hotel room doors in my search for Edward. One thIng I haven’t tOld you all is that Alice recently got married. I haven’t told you because I didn’t know – that was until I smash down her hotel door dressed in a Ninja outfit. Oh God it’s
horrible – she’s consummating in the missionary position. I do the only thing a friend can do – I fly over to her bridal suite bed – kick her husband in the balls and make off with their complimentary bottle of champagne. as I sWIftly leave her rOOm – I can hear Alice sobbing. Heh heh heh. Finally – I smash down HIS door. edWard lOOks aghast as I stand in the remains of his hotel room door. “What – the – who the hell are you!” I whip off my Ninja mask. “OH GOD IT’S YOU! Oh dear Lord Jesus, what I have done to deserve this?” I thrust the bottle of sparkling wine towards him. “I’m sorry.” I say with an honest voice. Man those acting lessons paid off! “What?” Edward says softly. “Miss Harper did you just say you’re sorry?” “It’s Bella, Bella Donna.” “Bella?! I thought your name was Alice Harper!” “Yeah about that, that’s my flat mate. Why don’t you get some glasses for the fizz and I’ll explain all.” “ooookay!?”
edWard Walks Off tO his makeshift kitchen to get some glasses. I pop open the champers, and while he’s not looking, I take out a glass jar from my Ninja pouch and douse its contents onto an old gym sock… Edward walks over with the glasses… He pauses and gives me a dour look. “What are you trying to do Bella?” “Nothing.” I roll my eyes innocently. “Bella you’re holding a dirty old gym sock in one hand and a bottle of chloroform in the other!” drat, drat and dOuble drat. Note to self – next time use Rohypnol! Edward sits down next to me. “Bella, thus far you have attacked one of my best members of staff with a six inch black strap-on dildo and covered her in bodily fluid – she’s now in therapy by the way. You’ve attacked me with a tin of beans, violated a midget in a supermarket and burnt down all my worldly goods with flaming golf balls fired from your vagina! Now you’re trying to sedate me with chloroform and a crusty old sock, a fine method of seduction I might add!” “Thanks.” “I was being sarcastic. What do I have to do to make you stop, what in God’s name will make you leave me alone for good. There must be something, please good God in Heaven above what will make you leave me alone?!” Oh dear edWard, oh dear, you should not have said that. That is like opening Pandora’s box. I can’t help but let slip an evil smile. “There is one thing Edward, but before I ask it of you I need to have sex with you.”
“What?! Can’t we just skip the sex part?” “No… No, I need to know your limits Edward; I need to know how far you will go.” “Really?” “Yes.” “Okay… if that’s what it takes.” edWard lunges Over tO me. Is this happening? My heart skips a beat. I close my eyes and pucker up my lips ready for the rapture that I am about to receive… … … … I am still waiting to receive… … …Still waiting… … …Still… THUD! edWard Is passed Out on the floor, clutching my gym sock of doom to his face. What a cock!
CHAPTER FIVE
O
utside of Edward’s hotel window, mist began to gather – circling and engulfing the very air. The mist strangled all goodness and left only evil. Edward tossed and turned in his sleep. Something was willing him, against his will, to awake. From deep inside the mist a figure began to take form, a spectre of hatred, a beast with an inner loathing of humanity. The figure’s hand reached out towards the window – its nails scraping down the glass... scratch... scratch... scratch. Edward’s eyes opened in an animated unnatural manner. ‘Close dammit,’ commanded Edward’s thoughts – but it was no good – Mr Brown was no longer in control of his body. The floating figure continued to taunt Edward with a monotonous scratching of nail against glass. The sound horrified Edward, the sound cut deep into his soul. Slowly Edward sat up in bed. The figure had evolved into a form that Mr Brown not only recognised but also feared like no-other. With a strange childlike smile, Edward moved back his bed covers. Now out of his sanctuary he approached the beckoning figure. The figure smiled a joyless dark smile in reply as it saw Edward coming forward. The scratching now sounded more gleeful, murderous and twisted. With every footstep Edward made towards the window – the air pressure dropped. Every footstep was one closer to Mr Brown’s unnatural end. Edward, now without any remaining self-control, reached out towards the window – his hands quivering as he unlatched it. In a gently menacing manner the windows began to open inwards. Mockingly, the benevolent force controlling Edward’s will relented slightly, giving Mr Brown just enough control to slowly retreat from the figure that now swam into his hotel room. Her face was now so clear; the face of Bella! A loud chainsaw like sound ripped through the room as the floating figure of Bella
thrust towards Edward a large vibrator... Edward awoke from his nightmare, screaming in horror, only to realise that it was too late. Last night he had slept with her, there was now no escape. No matter what Edward did, she would find him. Edward turned in his bed to face the sleeping figure of Bella and was surprised to see that she was not there. In her place was a contract written in blood, detailing the one thing she wanted him to do (along with terms and conditions). CONTRACT Made on All Saints Eve the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Thirteen Betwixt Lord Bella Donna whomst hence forth shalst be known as The Shit Master And Mr Edward Brown whomst hence forth shalst be known as The Shit Eater. The general purpose of this contract is to ensure that the Shit Eater eats the shit of the Shit Master (the act hence forth known as Scatting) by forcing him to do so through a myriad of ancient Legal clauses that will confuse even the most top flight lawyers. This Contact between the Shit Master and The Shit Eater is binding in the eyes of God. Breaking of this contract may result in one or several of the following; Death, Famine, Pestilence, Plague and Eternal Damnation . THE SHIT EATER AGREES TO THE FOLLOWING:
1.) To eat shit. 2.) To pretend that eating shit is somehow a sexually exciting experience. 3.) To wave any health and safety concerns regarding Scatting, for example the onset of Toxoplasmosis. 4.) To declare to the Shit Master if he has any STDs, for example – the Bad Aids. 5.) To obey the Shit Masters every whim. Lookup Gimp or Bitch in the Oxford English Dictionary if you’re not sure what this entails. The duration of these terms shall be at the Shit Master’s discretion. Failure to comply with any of these terms during the pre-determined period can result in the following punishments 1.) Being bound and gagged and forced to watch Sex in the City 2, non-stop, for 24 hours. 2.) To copy onto lined paper with a wax crayon, whilst correcting all grammatical errors, the entirety of Fifty Shades of Grey. A cyanide pill shall be provided as a get out clause in this instance.
Why Edward signed it, he would never fully understand, but sign it he did and this strange decision would change his life forever...
To be continued in book two...
A short excerpt from book two...
Fifty Shades
Browner
“tIlt yOur head back bItch!” she demands as I find myself willingly obeying. Her spot ridden buttocks straddles my face. It is obvious by the festering-putird-caked-on-20-day-old-crusty-shit all over her rear end that Bella does not wipe after using the toilet. “Open wide for Daddy!” Bella yells. I dO as she says, I open my mouth wide and before I know it – I’m gagging on a gallon of brown, watery, human waste. “Yee ha! You look like an ADHD kid at Easter time!” Bella squeaks in delight. sOmethIng hard enters my nOse. Its a chunk of sweetcorn...
“Its good.” “*****” “Better than anything, ever.” “Buy it you cunt!”
Enter Bella’s world. A dark, sexual, world. A world of forbidden pleasures. A world of poop. Yes that’s right, no longer do us guys have to put up with the Mrs. reading a rubbish book about bondage – we’ve got our own rubbish sexy book and this ones about scatting. Fifty Shades of Brown is a funny (and quite rude) piss take written by a bloke who worked at the same place as EL Smith before she got rich selling “mommy porn” and left without a goodbye. Please buy this book so I can do the same.... Ta.
of Brown
EL Gringo
© 2012 Set in Adobe Garamond Pro This work is a parody of an adult book. It is intended for adults only. No portions of the works parodied have been copied and this is an original work. 1st Edition 2012
Fifty Shades
of Brown
E L Gringo used to work on a rubbish TV show (the same one E L Smith worked on*) that nobody watches. He is currently in the throes of a getting far too old far too fast and loosing large amounts of hair (except in his nose and ass where the reverse is true). EL Gringo is looking to make a quick buck by ripping off a best-selling book that makes the ladies all funny down below. He is currently working a vampire novel called Twilightish. P.S. No-one has edited this book. At any point. Ever. P.P.S. Movie rights are going cheap. *This is actually true… she used to work on an interactive gambling channel… TV exec my arse.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am indebted to the following films and places for their insperation. Human Centipede. Human Centipede II. Two Girls One Cup. Seven Girls Finger Paining. Heston service station toilets.
EL Gringo
Fifty Shades
of Brown
This book is a parody of a very poorly written “erotic” novel. As a result this book is even more poorly written than its source material. The central character is repulsive and conducts matters in the most unpc way possible. If you are a Daily Mail reading - right wing - middle class moron; this book will offend you. You have been warned. However, it might make you laugh and or produce a little sex wee.
For Sven, please remove the nipple clamps, my man bullets are becoming infected.
BOOK ONE
CHAPTER ONE
G
od-damned lice! My hair is riddled with them! I look into my bathroom mirror, my hair is moving around by itself – it has become an eco-system. I blast my blonde wildlife preserve in hair spray in the hope that the CS gasses decimate my lice population. Unfortunately this results in my hair looking like Bjork’s after electro-shock treatment. Crap. It’ll have to do. Aside from the art installation atop my head – I look hot! Big tits, good round ass, fuck me now eyes - hopefully the person interviewing me today hasn’t had sex in ages. Oh yes, I fOrgOt abOut that! My job interview. Ah, well – it’s not really my job interview – I’m actually doing it as a favour for my flatmate – if you can believe that. Somehow my flatmate, who’s interview this technically is, accidently on purpose drank neat bleach. Being a good flatmate, the type who would never poison their flatmate, I’m going to go along – pretend to be her – then explain that I’m not her – flash my tits – fuck the person interviewing me (male or female – I’m taking a strap on just in case) - get the job – and theeeennnnn evict my current flatmate. alIce, my sOOn tO be ex-flatmate, is lying in her room in a pool of her own vomit. “Bella, BARRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, thank you so much for volunteering to go and apologise for me for not being able to attend my interview – HURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH – they’ll really appreciate the effort. You’re a real GURGLE – SPLAT – pal!” hmmm – maybe I shOuldn’t have laced Alice’s Lemonade with quite so much Domestos. Alice is so dog sick she looks like a super-model after a night out at an all you can eat buffet. I ignore my oh-so-slight feeling of guilt because Alice is a bitch and she deserves it.
“Anything for you Alice. Would you like some more Lemonade?” Heh heh heh! “Oh you are a sweet, what would I do withou… HARRRGHHGHHHHWURRRHHH!!! OH GOD! I THINK I’M GONNA DIE! WURRRRRRRGGGGHHGHGHGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” What a fuckIng drama queen. I leave Alice to swim in her own gut juice and get dressed into my sexiest red outfit – the one my boobs keep popping out of – and set off to put my foot firmly on the employment ladder. enterIng alIce’s car, I set Off on my twenty mile journey to Croydon. Being an American, I have never been to Croydon – but I have heard such wondrous things of it. The Las Vegas of England, the Pearl of London. I heard that the streets are lined with gold and the children smile moonbeam wide. What a load of bollocks! After my three hour journey (that I could have walked quicker) to this so called land of plenty – I feel somewhat disappointed. Burnt out cars, people on fire, children jacking up on Heroin. I pull up OutsIde the Only buIldIng in this shit-hole that isn’t smeared in excrement and blood; it is large – modern and gleaming. A neon sign atop it glows in sepia tones “BROWN HOUSE”. This is the place, think sexy Bella and the job is yours. I exit the car and immediately it is clamped. Not only is Croydon the very gate of hell, but its inhabitants (especially its parking attendants) are a bunch of total and utter cunts. I enter brOWn hOuse, my concealed strap on makes it hard to walk. How do guys do this? It’s like having a child’s leg dangling from your never-regions. I approach the reception desk whilst trying to keep the Black Mamba (that’s the name of my strap on) in place. Behind the desk is a woman who looks like a cross between a zombie and Daffy Duck.
“HEHWO” says this special lady; sounding somewhat like she’s chewing on marbles. “Hello”, I say “I’m Alice Harper, I’m expected”. Lies. “WAY HERE” – OMG – she’s a retard! the specIal lady shOuts tO anOther person and lo and behold another one enters the room. I double take, two of them! Special Number Two lumbers towards me, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella, think sexy Bella. I suddenly and uncontrollably thrust my strap on girth towards Special Number Two. She runs away from me in a muffled howl of fright. perhaps the bOss here InsIsts on all the staff being mentally challenged, if so I’m a shoe in. Then it happens, a large boardroom door opens and in he steps. I think heaven just crapped out an angel. He might look like a hobo, smell like a hobo and dress like a hobo – but this look of abject poverty makes it obvious that this man is a home owner. Home owner = rich. Rich = wet thighs. “Alice Harper?!” he says at me quizzically. “Yes.” I reply, trying to hide the fact my thighs are steaming. “You, err, look somewhat different to the photo attached to your resume.” crap, crap and dOuble crap. Think fast Bella. “Car crash!” I blurt out. “Horrible fucking car crash smashed me up! Doctors did a great job fixing my face and everything, I look much sexier now – I was a bit of a minger before!” “Oh… I see. Well… I’m Edward Cullen Brown, CEO of Brown Industries. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Alice, you’re resume
was very impressive…” “Yadda yadda yadda, yeah whatever. Look, Eddie, what I really want to know is - what’s with the two spastics over there?” Edward looks shocked. “Spastics?! Ms Harper that’s a very unpleasant terminology – besides my two assistants have just returned from major dental surgery.” Crap, crap, crappity crap crap. “Hahahaha – I knew that you twat!” I say, punching Edward in the arm. “Right then, shall we do this?” mr brOWn lOOks lIke he has his underwear wedged up his arse crack – a strange mix of discomfort and anger. “Okay Ms Harper… okay. Just to make you aware - our Human Resources Manager, Jill, will be sitting in on this interview… just try not to shock her quite as much as you have me.” edWard beckOns me In the boardroom. Shit. There is going to be two of them… thank God I wore a strap on… he can take me from behind and I’ll fuck the suit senseless with my 6 inch strap on black love doctor. Get your game face on Bella - think dirty thoughts… maybe not that dirty… I’ve made a little sex wee. I enter the bOardrOOm in a slight moist discomfort and Edward motions me towards a chair. “Would you like to take a seat Ms Harper?” WOuld I lIke tO take a… FUCK THAT SHIT! I’ve got to work fast if this is going to pay off. Remember Bella, this always works in all the best pornos – and pornography never lies. I pull down
the top of my dress and my naked breasts bounce into the open. Jill and Edward look at me in bewilderment, their jaws literally on the floor. I lift my right breast up to my mouth and start licking my nipple. Yeah – this is the sexy shit Bella – work it baby. Jill, however, is starting to look less bewildered and more repulsed although Edward’s eyes have popped out of his sockets – one out of two isn’t too bad I guess – but I need both of them on my side to pull this shit off. Right Bella, time to turn up the heat on this frigid old bitch! I hIke up the bOttOm Of my dress and THE BLACK MAMBA boings into view. I approach Jill and slap her around the face a few times with the strap on. I’m not sure if this is working, she’s turned from a shade of purple to a colour I don’t recognise. Edward quickly interrupts. “MS HARPER, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” Oops. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. …Suddenly something very bad happens. that dIrty thOught I Was thInkIng is so dirty that coupled with the Black Mamba rubbing against my lady kebab – I uncontrollably gush all over Jill. My love juice sprays over her with such ferocity that she looks like a cat killed in a dishwasher. I lOOk at the nOW fumIng edWard. Why didn’t this work? Most men would have whipped their cock out by now and I’d be guzzling for England. He must not find me sexy; there can be only one answer… “Are you gay Mr Brown?” “Wha… wha… WHAT!” He stammers back at me.
“Do you bat for the other team? Do you take it up the bum? Do you tuck your cock behind your arse whilst humming the Crying Game? Do you slam another man whilst going for a reach around? Do you insert cardboard tubes up your chocolate love tunnel and let small mammals go exploring? Do you often gargle the words I love you? ARE YOU GAY?!” “ENOUGH!!!” screams Edward. there Is a lOng pause Of sIlence. Nobody says a word. The only sound is the occasional drip coming from the general direction of the now white and shaking Jill. I gingerly exit the room; I don’t think I’m going to take advice from a porno ever again.
CHAPTER TWO
arrive home, Alice is spread eagle on the living room floor. I’m not quite sure if she is breathing or not, who would have thought that consuming two litres of cleaning prod-ucts could make one this ill. as I pace back and fOrth around the room, I find myself surprised that the total cluster fuck that was my interview doesn’t bother me too much. What I AM bothered about is that I didn’t get a fuck! I’m hornier than a Nun on heat with a box of condoms – God-damn-it I NEED sex right now! Hang on a second... Alice isn’t moving! Suddenly a plan of pure cunning forms in my mind. I rip my black dildo off my waist and throw it aside. CRASH – I hear something break... Never-mind, its only the photo of Alice’s dead parents. I straddle Alice’s face. My moist thighs cover Alice in my smell (somewhat akin to a barrel of dead fish that has been left in the Sun for about three weeks) as I rub my fur burger all over her mouth. a sudden randOm thOught distracts me... Mr Brown... Edward! His features intoxicate me - his yellow teeth, the food in his beard, the strange aroma of urine. Is this the man I have been searching for my whole life? I never knew love could take such a pure wonderful form. My mind wanders further... Edward... oooohhhh, such a manly man of a name! I fantasise him bursting thru the door, his arms laden with Burberry as he whispers the words every woman wants to hear. “Baby, I’ve come to take you shoe shopping”. I rub my lady garden harder and harder on Alice’s face. I moan and grown so loud that I sound like a Yoko Ono record on the wrong speed. Edward, Edward, Edward... oooooohhhh crap! I was so lost in my inner thinkings that I almost failed to notice that Alice’s face now resembles a putrid pizza. Oh dear, I’ve started my period!
I
later that evenIng I am aWOken by Alice’s unholy screams. I think she must have looked in the mirror and realized like she is somewhat akin to an extra from Saw, not that Alice doesn’t deserve it... How dare she not tell me anything about the interview. Vomiting enough puke to feed all of Ethiopia doesn’t count as an excuse. I storm into her room to give the beeeach what for, instead I find myself talking about Edward – just the thought of his name makes me produce a little sex wee. Alice seems confused. “Bella, weren’t you there to give my apologies? Why did Mr Brown interview you?..” I shOuld be WOrrIed by this line of questioning, but thankfully Alice is a simpleton. “Oh Bella, isn’t it obvious... Mr Brown must be infatuated with you. The feeling must be mutual - I can see that you are infatuated with him also!” “I am Alice, truly, but I still can’t believe I asked him if he took it up the bum! I feel so embarrassed!” “Oh Bella, la la la, eat a Sandwich.” We talk Of edWard nO mOre. Pages and pages of witless crap pass by and then suddenly (whilst I am minding my own business in a supermarket no less) – as if by magic – Edward Brown appears! What the Jesus-Christ-Titty-Fucking is he doing here? Is he stalking me? Crap! Edward seems to literally run in the opposite direction when he sees me. Acting purely on impulse I grab a tin of Baked Beans and throw it at him, hoping this will gain his attention. “OUCH! WHAT THE FUCK!”, screams Edward as my Heinz branded ballistic missile smacks into the back of his head. Mr Brown storms over to me, his anger so visibly exciting... I rub my thighs in anticipation as he thunders towards me.
“MISS HARPER!”, he bellows. “ARE YOU STALKING ME?!” Hey that’s my line. It Is becOmIng apparent that the normal approaches don’t hold water with Mr Brown, so I decide to think outside the box. If this doesn’t get his attention, nothing will. “Photo-shoot”, I blurt. “I’ll pose naked for you in a photo-shoot. I’ll get my minge out and everything! I’ll place whatever you like up there, anything for you Edward!” edWard’s expressIOn Of rage turns to one of near horror. He shudders, turns around and starts to walk away. It is time for action Bella, are you a man or a mouse? Thinking about it, I’m neither, but hey its the thought that counts. Quickly I grab a piece of fruit – a banana. I shout to Edward who is now almost a dot in the distance. “LOOK! LOOK WHAT YOUR MISSING OUT ON!” I pull up my skIrt, wriggle down my panties and send my improvised yellow love truncheon where the sun don’t shine. Edward has turned round to witness my erotic display, his attention excites me – even if he is looking at me as if I was total scum. I decide to cook it up a notch. “Not impressed huh? Not impressed?! WHAT ABOUT THIS?!!” I pull the, nOW squIshed, banana Out Of me and toss it aside - then I grab a courgette. I load the courgette into my torpedo bay. Its a tight fit, but I still get it up there. This doesn’t seem to convince Edward. What next? With haste I replace the courgette with the only logical fruit based love toy – a pineapple. It feels somewhat like giving birth to a porcupine in reverse. edWard screams In repulsIOn “OH MY GOD!!!”. Hmmm, not
sexy enough for you Mr Brown? My you are a demanding customer. I squeeze the pineapple out from betwixt my thighs. It shoots out at high speed and hits some old woman with a Zimmer frame in the back. There is only one option left. As I grab it, Mr Brown’s face collapsed in utter horror. “LOOK WHAT I CAN FIT INTO MY CUNT, FUCKER!!” the mIdget I have grabbed shrieks in fright as I try to shove him head first into the jungle of no return. I push the midget deeper and deeper into me. I can feel him wriggling and struggling deep within me. For a midget he packs quite a punch, imagine Mike Tyson going twelve rounds inside your baby-sack. “Oh fuck me, my clunge is pounding like an Asian whores vagina!” I scream out loud between the throws of pain and ecstasy. I push hIm In further and further. All that can be now seen of this little fellow are his legs dangling from my fanny. Edward runs over and plucks my vertically challenged human tampon free. The midget lands on the floor with a squelch, trembling and shivering in shock. “Okay, okay!” Stutters Edward. “You can pose in a photo-shoot for me – just please stop.” I’m glad edWard has seen sense, after all I think my next option could have resulted in a prison sentence.
CHAPTER THREE
A
lice is so overjoyed that I can’t help but think that she has taken Valium. It would take a complete and utter tool not to realise that they had recently been poisoned with three quarts of industrial strength bleach – so that would make Alice a pumped up Valium induced tool! Its a good job for her that I don’t have the job “yet” because that would then make her a pumped up Valium induced homeless tool!!! I have been recItIng tO alIce an abridged account of my recent encounter with Edward. Somehow, in Alice’s tiny little acorn of a mind, posing naked for somebody at their manor house constitutes as a date. Well – I guess - why not. “A date with Edward Grey Brown? Oh goodie!” Garbles Alice as she reduces my to migraine status with her girlie / gay (delete as appropriate) rapturous claps of joy. Then her face drops! Has the Valium worn off or has she just pooped herself? No, its worse, much much worse. Alice has just used her brain. “Oh Bella. Oh sweetest Bella. Oh darling gorgeous friend of mind...” Get on with it you dizzy bint! “...Who is going to take these photos? Surely not Mr Brown, for he has Muscular Impulse Disorder in his hands, he can not hold anything heavier that a flower for fear of dropping it!” crap! crap Of desOlatIOn! Crap of Titan! Crappy crap crap of crapsville with a large festering dollop of crap on top. What the [REMOVED BY PUBLISHER] am I going to do now? Then, quite startlingly (and surprisingly I might add) Alice’s dour mode snaps back into hyperactive drag queen mode again.
“Oh joyous joy Bella, a wonderful thought has just entered my mind!” What? anOther One?! Quick – somebody call Guinness – the retard is on a roll! No... no it’s okay – call off the fire – she is just clapping and giggling like an epileptic in a bathtub. This strange seal like spectacle seems to go on for longer than the end of Return of the King. Hurry up Alice and say something before I stab you in the baby-maker. “Oh, please tell me your wonderful thought dearest Alice.” I say through gritted teeth. “Jong-Li! Jong-Li could take the photos! After all Mr Li is a photographer!” JOng-lI?! JOng-fuckIng-“Oh herrO”-lI?! Jong-Li is our landlord, a man whose grasp of Engrish is worse than your average “wannabe” fat female erotic writer’s! Jong-Li’s idea of photography is breaking into a woman’s house and snapping away at there soiled undergarments. This most certainly does not constitute as wonderful idea. As far as good ideas go this ranks right up there with Hitler musing “Hmmm – you know what – I’ll invade Poland – that’ll be fun”! Before I can relate my abject horror on the mater to Alice, she has already phoned Jong-Li and is relaying the situation to him. Thanks a bunch Alice! Next time I’ll poison you with something worse – like KFC! Well it’s too late now – Jong-Li has just agreed to be my David Bailey. Great – he gets to see me naked again! Shudder! that nIght I lOck myself aWay In my garage. Posing naked for Edward is one thing – leaving a lasting impression is another. I toil away all night like a female MacGyver. Like a female Mr T. with tits I slave away on – it - ! It – is the master stroke – the greatest thing I have ever thought of. Part robot – part flame thrower – Edward is never going to forget this! EVER!!!
three days later, Jong-Li and I arrive at Edward’s estate. Oh my god – its Wayne Manor!!! I always knew I’d decipher the mystery of Batman’s identity. The building looks like it has stood for a thousand years and has been loved and cared for for every second of it’s existence. A beautiful ornate pond sits in-front of the house, reflecting its splendour in the water. I exit Jong-Li’s car and he removes a box from the trunk. “What in the box bitch? You pack small child in there or what?” I gently request that he asks nO mOre questIOns concerning the box and that he remains quite and just partakes in photography for the following duration. For some strange reason, Jong-Li shrinks in fear as I speak to him... I can not for the life of me fathom why... “IT’S NON OF YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS – YOU FUCKING CUNT! DO I FUCKING GO FUCKING ASKING YOU WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING HAVE IN YOUR FUCKING BOX?! NO! FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF AND SHUT THE FUCKUP! DON’T FUCKING EVEN FUCKING BREATH! JUST TAKE YOUR FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK PHOTOS, THATS WHAT YOUR FUCKING HERE FOR YOU FUCKING FUCKNUT!” at that mOment the door to Edward’s abode opens and out steps the drop-dead-gorgeous-sex-bomb that is Mr Grey! “Yoo-hoo! Eddie!” I Wave WIth pure delIght at edWard. He shudders slightly but still walks towards me. “Ah, Miss Harper and this is...” Don’t speak Jong-Li or I will hurt you!
“...I’m Jong-Li. Why you call this crazy bitch Miss Harper? Her na.........” JOng-lI suddenly lOOses the abIlIty tO speak. It might have something to do with the fact that his now has a fist in his mouth and he is chewing on his own teeth. Edward ignores my display of affection towards Jong-Li and addresses me directly – looking deep into my eyes. Spurt. Oops – a little sex wee again. “A pleasure to meet you Sir. Welcome both to Brown Manor. I’m Edward Brown and the little cat by my feet is called Ginger – she was my wife’s before she died of cancer. I don’t often have guests here on account that most people seem to only be interested in me for one reason...” “Your trouser snake?” I blurt out with Tourette like skill. “Ha ha ha, no Miss Harper, my insane amounts of money! You, however, only seem interested in repulsing me on – what is now becoming – a daily basis. Do you know what? It makes quite a pleasant change!” thOse WOrds hang In the aIr lIke heavenly musIc, singing the inner parts of my soul and making me spurt a little – again. Unfortunately Jong-Li cuts through the moment like a crazed knife wielding maniac at an Abba concert. “You got this bitches number. She crazy. She used to rub her......” agaIn JOng-lI lOOses the abIlIty tO talk. This time it is on account of me punching him in the cock. “Miss Harper, before you simultaneously dazzle and scar me with your ‘alternative’ sex display, please let me culture you with a tour of my manor and tell you a little of its history. History? Booooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg!
the next thOusand hOurs blur in to one big mumble. Something about a collection of priceless Ming vases – I mean get over it– they are just vases – who cares?! Edward prattles on – I don’t give a shit who you brought this picture off, Leon Black - who? Why’s it called “The Scream”? It just looks like McCaulay Culkin shaving – what’s the big deal? Oooohhh look a framed letter... who the hell frames a letter anyway!? And who is Nelson Mandela?! I read it anyway – even though I can’t understand a bloody word of it - it helps block out the droning noise coming from Edward... (NB please see the oposite page >).
...enOugh Is enOugh, lets get on with this. I turn round to Edward... “Right – shall we do this?” “Errrr... I guess so.” “Okay! Where do you want me to setup?” “Here is okay I guess.” “Right – come back in 15 minutes – this shit is going to blow your socks off!!!”
Dear Mr Brown, Thank you so much for your support and understanding. Whilst I am incarcerated here for daring to believe in a better world, men such as yourself have become a beacon of light and have given mankind hope. You are evidence that my imprisonment has brought my cause to the world stage in a way previously impossible. Thank you for giving me a voice in these dark times. We all stand united in this world, every man is unique and different, this is what bonds us and makes us all equal. Hopefully the blind ones who can not see the obvious – will soon learn to see again. Your friend, Nelson Mandela
edWard sure takes hIs tIme! Forty five minutes later he finally enters the room and as he does his eyes almost completely pop out of their sockets. I’m not surprised, its not every day you stumble upon a lady dressed in a crotchless sexy nun-outfit straddling a robot doppelgänger of yourself whilst a crazed man runs around like a rabid baboon taking photos of everything. “What the hell is that?!” Edwards stammers, pointing at the crudely constructed robot of himself. “Oh that? That’s Robo-Eddie. Say hello Robo-Eddie.” “HELLO!” “You ready Robo-Eddie.” “YES!” “Okay lets do this!” I stretch myself as WIde as pOssIble and squeeze my pelvic floor – pop – out flies a ping pong ball. It hits Edward in the face. Edward seems shocked. He hasn’t seen anything yet! I squeeze my pelvic floor muscles again and this time from my lady bits comes a golf ball doused in petrol. Robo-Eddie then opens his mouth and shoots out a flame from his internal flame thrower. The jet of fire catches the golf ball and turns it into a flaming ballistic. The event is somewhat like a vaginal Olympic opening ceremony. The flaming golf ball of doom blasts through Edward’s vase collection, reducing it to smashed crockery in seconds. Edward lets out a ear splitting scream, wow that must have really impressed him. I decide to cook it up a notch and a fire out three petroleum based golf balls in quick succession. One of them hits Mr Brown’s rubbish picture of a slap-head screaming. It quickly becomes a painting of a flaming slap-head screaming. The next ball hits a beautiful ornate grand piano. The piano is quickly engulfed in a Hades like inferno. The final ball goes hurtling to-
-wards Edward’s signed letter from that Mandela person. Edward speeds towards the letter and grabs it off the wall before the fiery golf ball can hit it’s target. Unfortunately, Edward’s cack hands are unable to hold onto the frame and it drops to floor – shattering on impact. The shards of glass rip through the letter. The golf ball lands on-top of the letter and it evaporates into flames within seconds. Edward screams again – I’m pretty sure this times its not a scream of wonder. Jong-Li meanwhile is having a great time, getting pictures of the carnage that has been unfolding. “This make great Facebook material. Very funny!” unfOrtunately, When I made rObO-eddIe – I hadn’t left enough ventilation for the flame thrower. Deep within the bowls of Robo-Eddie – gas and heat combine and the robot explodes in a awesome fireball. The shock wave from Robo-Eddie’s destruction sends me flying through the window out into the grounds of Edward’s estate. I lOOk On as flames start to engulf his Manor house. Suddenly a flaming fur ball runs in-front of me – making an ungodly high pitched noise. I kick it away from me and it lands in the pond – extinguishing in the process. As it sinks, dead, into the water I suddenly realise what it was. Oh shit – I just killed Ginger. I dOn’t thInk edWard is going to be too pleased with me. I decide to leg it.
CHAPTER FOUR
I
return to my abode after spending four hours on a bus full of old people whilst dressed in my crotchless Nun outfit… It should have taken thirty minutes, but I gave some old codger a boner which resulted in a heart attack and then death. What a cock-guzzler. Thankfully the message on my phone cheers me up. Alice, it seems, has been arrested for burning down Edward Brown’s manor house. She used her one phone call to inform me of this wonderful fact whilst crying like a baby. Heh heh heh, so glad I never gave Edward my real name. I pace arOund my flat, thinking of new ways to get Edward to sample my watery delights . Time passes. Very. Very. Slowly. Seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into fortnights, fortnights into months, months into more months, more months into more months, Christmas holidays – yay, more months into further even more prolonged excruciating months, into even more bad formed sentences. Where oh where had Edward gone. His house had gone, his business guarded with mines, how to find him, how oh how, how – oh look another comma , . then salvatIOn came in the form of my most hated ally – JongLi! I Was havIng a nIce Warm relaxing candlelit bath, the thought of Mr Brown had long become a memory. The only thoughts on my mind were, “why is soap so slippery” and “wooooohhooo, now where has that soap gone” – when all of a sudden Jong-Bastard-Li bursts into the bathroom. “Hey crazy bitch, I find him!” I Jump Out Of my skIn. Pop – out flies the soap, hitting Jong-JizzGuzzling-Li in the face and sending him backwards into the wash basin.
JOng- lI sends fOrth a tOrrent of asian swears as he holds his cracked skull together. “WHAT THE TRICHOMONIASIS* ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM!” I screech at Jong-Li. “You crazy Bitch, I find Edward Brown, he in heavily protected hotel. Guards, they shoot you if you turn up.” my heart raIses tO a frenzy and is quickly dashed again. Oh how crewel of the fates to mock me with the discovery of my Edward, only to place him on a pedestal beyond my reach. “Don’t get down crazy lady - I have idea how to get you in!” I jump out of the bath in delight. “Jong-Li… Fetch the Chloroform… We’re going to work!” “Okay – but shave legs first – your legs hairier than Lesbians arm pits!”
*Please, for the love of God, never – ever – ever – Google Image this!
Out IntO the mIdnIght lIght I step, clad from head to toe in a black Ninja outfit. Behind me, my army, the staff of Ping-Pong’s boiled Dog restaurant – also dressed like Ninja’s. We stand in front of Eddie’s hotel. We’re going smash that bitch up RAID STYLE! Bravely I enter the lobby of Eddie’s hotel – Jong Li was spot on – the concierges have AK-47s for fucks sake. This is going to be tough. One of the concierges approaches me. “Fuck off.” He grunts.
Well, that’s nIce. No hello? No – can I help you Miss. Well, two can play this game! I WhIp Out my WeapOn – THE BLACK MAMBA! I swing it around my head – three day old stinky lady juice flies in all directions. Some lands in a concierge’s eye. “IT BURNS, IT BURNS” He screams. the cOncIerge WhO had been so nice gets the worst of it. I jump into the air and bring the Black Mamba down on him. It slips down his agape mouth, gagging him. The concierge runs around like a headless chicken in all directions, the six inch black weapon of mass destruction lodged down his throat. the last remaInIng cOncIerge trains his AK-47 on me. I give the signal and in storm my little friends. They jump on top of him, overpowering him with numbers. One of my Ninja friends pulls down the concierge’s pants while the other pulls out a jar labelled – SPECIAL SAUCE and smears it all over the concierge’s ass. As quick as they overpowered him, the Ninjas vanish. The concierge stands in the lobby laughing. “Is that all yOu’ve gOt?!”. Somebody should have told him that the Special Sauce was lady horse juice. Suddenly a huge black stallion bursts into the hotel lobby. The horse lets out a neigh, his massive penis erect and ready for action. The concierge shrieks as – – well - use your imagination - trust me it isn’t pretty watching a man get raped by Mr Ed. I quIckly head Out Of the lobby towards Edwards hotel room – breaking down hotel room doors in my search for Edward. One thIng I haven’t tOld you all is that Alice recently got married. I haven’t told you because I didn’t know – that was until I smash down her hotel door dressed in a Ninja outfit. Oh God it’s
horrible – she’s consummating in the missionary position. I do the only thing a friend can do – I fly over to her bridal suite bed – kick her husband in the balls and make off with their complimentary bottle of champagne. as I sWIftly leave her rOOm – I can hear Alice sobbing. Heh heh heh. Finally – I smash down HIS door. edWard lOOks aghast as I stand in the remains of his hotel room door. “What – the – who the hell are you!” I whip off my Ninja mask. “OH GOD IT’S YOU! Oh dear Lord Jesus, what I have done to deserve this?” I thrust the bottle of sparkling wine towards him. “I’m sorry.” I say with an honest voice. Man those acting lessons paid off! “What?” Edward says softly. “Miss Harper did you just say you’re sorry?” “It’s Bella, Bella Donna.” “Bella?! I thought your name was Alice Harper!” “Yeah about that, that’s my flat mate. Why don’t you get some glasses for the fizz and I’ll explain all.” “ooookay!?”
edWard Walks Off tO his makeshift kitchen to get some glasses. I pop open the champers, and while he’s not looking, I take out a glass jar from my Ninja pouch and douse its contents onto an old gym sock… Edward walks over with the glasses… He pauses and gives me a dour look. “What are you trying to do Bella?” “Nothing.” I roll my eyes innocently. “Bella you’re holding a dirty old gym sock in one hand and a bottle of chloroform in the other!” drat, drat and dOuble drat. Note to self – next time use Rohypnol! Edward sits down next to me. “Bella, thus far you have attacked one of my best members of staff with a six inch black strap-on dildo and covered her in bodily fluid – she’s now in therapy by the way. You’ve attacked me with a tin of beans, violated a midget in a supermarket and burnt down all my worldly goods with flaming golf balls fired from your vagina! Now you’re trying to sedate me with chloroform and a crusty old sock, a fine method of seduction I might add!” “Thanks.” “I was being sarcastic. What do I have to do to make you stop, what in God’s name will make you leave me alone for good. There must be something, please good God in Heaven above what will make you leave me alone?!” Oh dear edWard, oh dear, you should not have said that. That is like opening Pandora’s box. I can’t help but let slip an evil smile. “There is one thing Edward, but before I ask it of you I need to have sex with you.”
“What?! Can’t we just skip the sex part?” “No… No, I need to know your limits Edward; I need to know how far you will go.” “Really?” “Yes.” “Okay… if that’s what it takes.” edWard lunges Over tO me. Is this happening? My heart skips a beat. I close my eyes and pucker up my lips ready for the rapture that I am about to receive… … … … I am still waiting to receive… … …Still waiting… … …Still… THUD! edWard Is passed Out on the floor, clutching my gym sock of doom to his face. What a cock!
CHAPTER FIVE
O
utside of Edward’s hotel window, mist began to gather – circling and engulfing the very air. The mist strangled all goodness and left only evil. Edward tossed and turned in his sleep. Something was willing him, against his will, to awake. From deep inside the mist a figure began to take form, a spectre of hatred, a beast with an inner loathing of humanity. The figure’s hand reached out towards the window – its nails scraping down the glass... scratch... scratch... scratch. Edward’s eyes opened in an animated unnatural manner. ‘Close dammit,’ commanded Edward’s thoughts – but it was no good – Mr Brown was no longer in control of his body. The floating figure continued to taunt Edward with a monotonous scratching of nail against glass. The sound horrified Edward, the sound cut deep into his soul. Slowly Edward sat up in bed. The figure had evolved into a form that Mr Brown not only recognised but also feared like no-other. With a strange childlike smile, Edward moved back his bed covers. Now out of his sanctuary he approached the beckoning figure. The figure smiled a joyless dark smile in reply as it saw Edward coming forward. The scratching now sounded more gleeful, murderous and twisted. With every footstep Edward made towards the window – the air pressure dropped. Every footstep was one closer to Mr Brown’s unnatural end. Edward, now without any remaining self-control, reached out towards the window – his hands quivering as he unlatched it. In a gently menacing manner the windows began to open inwards. Mockingly, the benevolent force controlling Edward’s will relented slightly, giving Mr Brown just enough control to slowly retreat from the figure that now swam into his hotel room. Her face was now so clear; the face of Bella! A loud chainsaw like sound ripped through the room as the floating figure of Bella
thrust towards Edward a large vibrator... Edward awoke from his nightmare, screaming in horror, only to realise that it was too late. Last night he had slept with her, there was now no escape. No matter what Edward did, she would find him. Edward turned in his bed to face the sleeping figure of Bella and was surprised to see that she was not there. In her place was a contract written in blood, detailing the one thing she wanted him to do (along with terms and conditions). CONTRACT Made on All Saints Eve the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Thirteen Betwixt Lord Bella Donna whomst hence forth shalst be known as The Shit Master And Mr Edward Brown whomst hence forth shalst be known as The Shit Eater. The general purpose of this contract is to ensure that the Shit Eater eats the shit of the Shit Master (the act hence forth known as Scatting) by forcing him to do so through a myriad of ancient Legal clauses that will confuse even the most top flight lawyers. This Contact between the Shit Master and The Shit Eater is binding in the eyes of God. Breaking of this contract may result in one or several of the following; Death, Famine, Pestilence, Plague and Eternal Damnation . THE SHIT EATER AGREES TO THE FOLLOWING:
1.) To eat shit. 2.) To pretend that eating shit is somehow a sexually exciting experience. 3.) To wave any health and safety concerns regarding Scatting, for example the onset of Toxoplasmosis. 4.) To declare to the Shit Master if he has any STDs, for example – the Bad Aids. 5.) To obey the Shit Masters every whim. Lookup Gimp or Bitch in the Oxford English Dictionary if you’re not sure what this entails. The duration of these terms shall be at the Shit Master’s discretion. Failure to comply with any of these terms during the pre-determined period can result in the following punishments 1.) Being bound and gagged and forced to watch Sex in the City 2, non-stop, for 24 hours. 2.) To copy onto lined paper with a wax crayon, whilst correcting all grammatical errors, the entirety of Fifty Shades of Grey. A cyanide pill shall be provided as a get out clause in this instance.
Why Edward signed it, he would never fully understand, but sign it he did and this strange decision would change his life forever...
To be continued in book two...
A short excerpt from book two...
Fifty Shades
Browner
“tIlt yOur head back bItch!” she demands as I find myself willingly obeying. Her spot ridden buttocks straddles my face. It is obvious by the festering-putird-caked-on-20-day-old-crusty-shit all over her rear end that Bella does not wipe after using the toilet. “Open wide for Daddy!” Bella yells. I dO as she says, I open my mouth wide and before I know it – I’m gagging on a gallon of brown, watery, human waste. “Yee ha! You look like an ADHD kid at Easter time!” Bella squeaks in delight. sOmethIng hard enters my nOse. Its a chunk of sweetcorn...
“Its good.” “*****” “Better than anything, ever.” “Buy it you cunt!”
Enter Bella’s world. A dark, sexual, world. A world of forbidden pleasures. A world of poop. Yes that’s right, no longer do us guys have to put up with the Mrs. reading a rubbish book about bondage – we’ve got our own rubbish sexy book and this ones about scatting. Fifty Shades of Brown is a funny (and quite rude) piss take written by a bloke who worked at the same place as EL Smith before she got rich selling “mommy porn” and left without a goodbye. Please buy this book so I can do the same.... Ta.
