Cleaning Crime

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 “Cleaning Crime”  By Kelsey Gibson Fade in EXT. STREET- NIGHT A street of Tristate area houses, three stories. The camera zooms in the on the middle house. INT. HOUSE- NIGHT Inside of a house, it is a mess, clothes every where, old pizza boxes scattered, the works. It's dark and we can't see much, we hear the door knob jiggle possibly even see it move. But we do not see who come through it. The camera moves to see a clock it says 11 o'clock, we watch as there is a time lapse to about 2 o'clock. The camera moves back so we see the house, it is spotless. We also see the door close. Still never seeing who was there. INT. SQUAD ROOM- AFTERNOON We see only two cops one standing in front of a desk while the other is sitting behind the same desk. The cop sitting down is working on papers in front of him. The squad room is rather messy, papers and coffee everywhere. NEWBIE [Shouting] Ready for my 1st case sir! COP [Looks up] Shut up. [Picks up a couple of papers throwing them to t he front of the desk] Here NEWBIE [Takes papers, reads them aloud] 15 cases in the Tristate Area has taken place within a couple of months, nothing was stolen, no one was hurt, nothing was broken…[Trailing off] Sir, pardon my asking but COP It's a hard case noob. Keep reading…

NEWBIE [Continues] There 15 cases all have one thing in common. Their house was cleaned. Sir? COP [Nods] There are menaces out there noob! And they are terrorizing the entire area! They must be stopped! NEWBIE [Probably starting and stopping several questions before finally settling on one] They're cleaning house? COP YES! And it doesn't matter! They are still breaking and entering the homes to do so! NEWBIE Well, sir…are they actually breaking in…'cuz it says here they're not [Pointing to the paper] COP I said that doesn't matter! [Stands up slamming his hands on desk] They're entering then! It's still a crime! NEWBIE What's…the case then? Am I supposed to find the people who are doing this…or what? COP [Paces behind the desk] I don't know noob, what've you been taught? What are they teaching you idiots in classes lately? Can you tell me? NEWBIE Then…I'm supposed to catch them.

COP [Stops pacing] No shit! [Sighs] Just get on the case noob. NEWBIE [Nods and exits] [A phone is heard Cop answers it] COP Please state your problem, name, and address, this call is being recorded. Go. NEWBIE Um…I don't know where to start, Newbie, here. COP [Slams down the phone] NOOB! NEWBIE [Enters again timidly] Yes sir? COP [Points to the desk across from him] Get your ass in the seat and research the crimes. Get the addresses and the names of the victims. Get. To. Work. NEWBIE [Sits and works on the computer, silently] This continues for a few minutes of almost complete silence the only things we hear are NEWBIE'S typing on the computer, COP'S fuming/ mumbling to himself and the clock ticking COP

[standing up again slamming his hands on the desk] Haven't you finished it yet? NEWBIE [looks over cowering] A..Almost… COP [sighs] you imbecile…come on…bring the first address and names, we'll go talk to t he victims. NEWBIE [grabs the info he has found and follows COP out of the squad room] EXT. HOUSE- AFTERNOON We see the house from the beginning , NEWBIE knocks on the door and waits by COP'S side beaming like a small child about to go into a candy store or meet his favorite T V star COP [with a serious look on his face] NEWBIE [looks over, puts on a serious face on that looks like he's mocking COP, but he isn't] WOMAN [answers door] Hello? May I help you? COP Sorry for the interruption, but we're here to ask y ou some questions ma'am WOMAN [nods and steps aside to let them in]

NEWBIE [moves to go in] COP [pushes his way in past NEWBIE and moves into the house] NEWBIE [nods and smiles to the WOMAN] Thank you. [moves into the house] WOMAN leads them in the living room we saw earlier it is still as clean as it was when we saw it last. She motions to the couch and takes a seat in an armchair. The room is filled with old looking things, good china, pink cushions and white doilies. COP [sits down] As you probably know that there have been lots of cases like yours and we have been doing everything in our power to stop these occurrences…but we're going to need your help. Is it possible that you saw the faces of your attackers? P lease tell me if it's hard for you and we'll stop immediately. WOMAN No…[shaking her head] I wasn't home, no one was…we all went out that night and when we came back our house was cleaned…I really don't see the problem, I just wa s worried about the intrusion. NEWBIE [looking at COP] I told you so... COP [muttered] Shut up Noob...[back to normal] Ma'am with all d ue respect I don't think you realize how much they have violated you.

NEWBIE [rolls eyes, moves a little in the seat] Ma'am…I'm sorry for the inconvenience we may have caused you [stands up] If you can think of anything at all about the perpetrators please call us. COP [grumbling probably about how stupid people are] Alright, please if you can think of anything at all a bout the perpetrators please call us. WOMAN [smiles and stands up] Thank you for working so...[searches for a word] hard… COP and NEWBIE leave WOMAN'S house INT. SQUAD ROOM- LATER AFTERNOON COP and NEWBIE walk in from the back of the squad room. COP stops suddenly throwing his arm out to stop NEWBIE from going any further. COP Don't move…something's wrong. NEWBIE [looks around room] I don't see what you mean sir…nothing looks out of place. COP [slowly moving forward] No. Something is wrong. Get the kit. NEWBIE [unsure what he's doing] What kit sir?

COP [angry shout] The finger printing kit, come on noob, keep up with me here. NEWBIE [moves scrambling for the kit somewhere in his desk] Yes sir, sorry sir! COP [rolls eyes, takes kit from NEWBIE] I'm telling you there is something wrong… [he uses the kit on the desk, nothing] This same process is used everywhere in the room, most likely a slow time lapse of about 2 hours or so, NEWBIE is doing most of the work COP Not…a…single print…anywhere… NEWBIE [standing on a ladder with a light bulb in his hand and t he printing dust almost getting on his face as he dusts a light bulb socket] They're good…not even in here… COP [sits down exhausted] God, they're good… NEWBIE [stepping down from ladder] Who cleans the light sockets? sock ets? I mean…who really ever checks there? COP [looking at NEWBIE with a 'are you an idiot?' face]

Evil menaces of the night, that's who. These people are even more devious then I thought they were. We're dealing with real high sophisticated criminals here noob, don't let your guard down. One false step and [makes a gesture of his throat being sliced] You understand? NEWBIE [nodding slowly] But…this took place in the late afternoon… COP [glares at NEWBIE] NEWBIE [stands at attention, salutes] I understand sir! COP [nods once] Good. Now clean up that mess you made with the finger printing dust. NEWBIE [looks around the squad room, sighs. Mumbles] I wish those 'evil memises of the night' were here right now. COP NOOB! NEWBIE [scrambling to start cleaning] Yes sir! Sorry Sir! COP [sighs] Out of everyone in the academy I had to get stuck with this one…

INT. SQUAD ROOM- DAY The previous scene fades to black only to open back to the squad room the next day. We see COP sitting down at his desk working on some random paper work. NEWBIE is at his desk "working" on his assignment. The 'Cleaners' case, he's playing PONG. NEWBIE [boredly playing PONG] I don't get it…what's the big deal about this case anyway, they're just cleaning… COP [not paying much attention to NEWBIE] It's menaces like that, that ruin our society. NEWBIE [looks over to COP] Still stupid [he misses the little ball on PONG] Shit! COP [looks over] What! What did you do? NEWBIE Um…nothing, I just…um came up with a great idea to capture the ah…criminals COP [interested] Oh really? What is it? NEWBIE [making it up on the spot] We…make a mess COP

We what? NEWBIE Yeah! We make a mess…a really big one! COP That's just about the most stupid thing I've ever heard NEWBIE That it just might work? COP No! We should make a huge jubilee of untidiness! NEWBIE [looking at COP in disbelief] Yes sir…that's a wonderful idea I wish I thought of it COP [smiles proudly] Exactly NEWBIE [shakes his head] So, where should we do this? COP God Newbie! Do I need to come up with everything by myself? NEWBIE Uh.. COP never mind…We'll do it here in the squad room.

NEWBIE In the squad room sir? COP Yes, where else? It's the perfect place, plus it nee ds cleaning up anyway NEWBIE But i…[shakes his head] ok…so, when? COP Tonight, they seem to like to do they're devil bidding at night NEWBIE Devil bidding… COP Yes devil bidding. NEWBIE [sighs] Right... INT. SQUAD ROOM- NIGHT We see the squad room its dark but we can still see do to the full moon outside. We see it's a complete mess NEWBIE (OS) Sir...it's getting kinda late, and it's already past my shift, I need to get home to my wife. COP (OS) Well maybe if you shut up they would come and you would get to go home early We finally see NEWBIE and COP behind one of the other desks guns drawn, COP is alert, NEWBIE is lazy NEWBIE

[sighs] COP [breaking the silence that fell after NEWBIE sighed] You have a wife? NEWBIE [nods] Yeah, a real goddess [pulls his wallet out to show C OP a picture of his wife, we see a beautiful woman, long blond hair and blue eyes, thin and about a head shorter then NEWBIE] COP [takes the picture putting his gun down] She's very pretty [hands picture back to NEWBIE] NEWBIE [smiles] I'm so lucky, she's very understanding of my job. COP They have to be… NEWBIE Sir? COP Yeah? NEWBIE You married? COP Used to be. But she left me.

NEWBIE I'm sorry to hear that COP [shakes his head] The job was to demanding. I wasn't a very good husband anyway. NEWBIE Ah. Don't say that sir, I'm sure you were a wonderful husband, you just paid too much attention on your job. We hear a clock chime 3. COP [sighs] Well this is the latest case time…they're not coming, ok Noob…you can go be home with your wife. NEWBIE [smiles] Thank you Sir. I'll see you in the tomorrow…er…in the moring…er…I'll see you. COP [waves a lazy reply] Go home noob NEWBIE [gets up and leaves] COP [gets up and looks around, sighs and leaves] Camera zooms in on the clock. It time lapse to 4 o'clock. We hear a door d oor knob jiggle. We a light stream from an outside source flow into the room. T he screen fades to black. We do not see who enters the room.

INT. SQUAD ROOM-DAY We see the clock again. It's around 8 o'clock COP (OS) NOOB! NEWBIE [scrambling in] Oh my god… Camera does a long shot of the squad room it's spotless again. COP [stares in shock of the cleanliness of the room] NEWBIE [walks into the room, looks back to COP] Do I have to use the fingerprint dust again? COP [shakes his head] No…just get to work, they've really done it now. T wice in a row…and it had to be after I left… NEWBIE [shrugs goes to his desk sitting down turning it on and playing PONG again] COP [sits down and starts to work on paper work] NEWBIE Hey..Sir? Why don't we go check the doo r…maybe they left finger prints there… COP No, I highly doubt it

NEWBIE Well maybe we should make a mess again, I mean it almost caught them last time, why not try it again and we might get them this time, if we stay a little later, my wife is going to be out tonight so you have got me for as long as it takes tonight. COP [smiles softly at NEWBIE] Thank you Newbie, that means a lot to me to see someone so dedicated to catch these heathens. But I think we need a better plan about how to go about this. NEWBIE [is confused] What do you mean? What kind of plan? COP We need a to come up with a different strategy to catch these guys they seem to know exactly when we're going to leave, so that means that we need to fool them into leave right? NEWBIE I guess so…yeah that makes sense COP Good. Then let's get started…we also need to m ake more of a mess, I highly doubt criminals as sophisticated as these will fall for the same tr ick twice. NEWBIE I could…call in the rest of the squad COP Yes, do that. We need all the help we can get NEWBIE [salutes] On it Sir!

About two hours later the squad shows up. We see the rest of the squad for the first t ime. They don't look like the brightest bunch, but definitely strong. There is a huge bustle in the squad room. Everyone running around and throwing papers looking as if they are trying to solve a major crime, where as in reality it's just an act. OFFICER 12 hits on the Upper East Side! KNIVES I got 2 on Lower East Side! COP What on earth is going on? NEWBIE [running around with coffee handing it to whoever is at a desk, occasionally spilling some] some] Coffee sir? COP No Newbie, I need answers to this crime not coffee! NEWBIE [nods] Should I join sir? COP No, stay on your case until further noted. HANES! When I say I need a address now I mean two mintues ago get a move on HANES (OS) Yes Sir! OFFICER 2 more hits on Upper East! KNIVES

False alarms for Lower East! COP Good work, Knives, keep it up, make sure to find more false cases, we need to lower this down to Upper East! KNIVES Yes Sir! This continues on in the background, NEWBIE is seen talking to someone (who we don't see, maybe just a silhouette) NEWBIE nods and moves back in the room. COP notices and confronts NEWBIE COP Hey Newbie, who was that? NEWBIE No one sir, just someone who wanted to know how to get to West 23rd street. COP Oh, ok. NEWBIE [nods] Sir, are you sure you don't want any coffee? COP Yeah, I'll have some now. NEWBIE gives COP a cup of coffee, C OP looks at the coffee and then to everyone around him. COP Everyone! I would like your at tention. [pauses until everyone looks over] We are obvioulsly not getting anything done here, so why don't we have…Knives, Hanes and…you [points to OFFICER 1] go up to the crime scenes and figure this crime there. Move quickly men, this is a matter of life and death. We need every man we can get on the case. NEWBIE

[raises his hand, about to say something] COP No Noob! Not you! [mumbles to himself] God Noob, we're f aking. [sighs] Alright men! Get going! ALL Yes Sir! Everyone grabs there stuff, things like pads of paper and pencils, their jackets. And run through the squad room quickly. Leaving a huge mess in the squad room. NEWBIE What will we be doing sir? COP We'll be going to the next victim of your case. NEWBIE [looks confused] Why? COP Because that case needs just as much attention as this one. NEWBIE Oh..ok, thank you sir for helping me out. COP No problem Noob. NEWBIE [whispers to COP] So…are we really going, or is this part of the act? COP

[sighs] Yes Noob, we really are going to check it out. NEWBIE Oh…ok but doesn't that defeat the purpose of cat ching them? COP Ah, it would but you see I left a trap for them. [whispers to NEWBIE] You see, I left several sticky substances around the place and we can get their fingerprints from that. NEWBIE Oh? But how do we know that we haven't touched it? COP That's easy, we send them all. NEWBIE [nods] So, how would one get around these sticky things? COP [shrugs] Gloves. NEWBIE [raises eyebrow] That's…simple… COP Yup NEWBIE Well, then let's go sir!

NEWBIE wraps his arm jestingly around COP'S shoulder walking out the front door with him. He looks back and motions someone in. Cut to the back door that NEWBIE was talking to someone at, we see the same silhouette as before open the back door. COP [almost turns back] What's that noise? NEWBIE [keeps him from seeing the silhouette] What noise sir? I hear nothing, nothing at all. COP [shrugs, keeps walking] COP (OS) Noob get your hands off of me! NEWBIE (OS) [laughing] Yes sir! FADE OUT

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