Do You Know Jack?

DO YOU KNOW JACK?
(Animated Sitcom)
"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

INT. COREY’S BEDROOM - DAY
JACK (52) and his brother JOE (56) are talking to Jack’s son
COREY (18).
JACK
Corey. Uncle Joe and I want to talk
to you about college. Have you
given any thought to what you want
to major in?
COREY
Thought? What do you mean
"thought?"
JACK
Well. You know that grey thing in
your head called a brain? Have you
used it to figure out what you want
to study in college?
COREY
Well. No one told me that I was
supposed to.
JACK
It’s kind of implied that you’re
supposed to use your brain to pick
a major.
COREY
No. I meant no one was told me I
was supposed to use my brain,
period.
JACK
So you think a brain is optional,
like an appendix?
COREY
What’s an appendix?
JACK
... It’s an index that’s written in
pen.
COREY
Man. They have a word for
everything. No wonder dictionaries
are so long.

2.
JACK
So what are you gonna major in?
COREY
I don’t know. You majored in
chemistry, right?
JACK
Yeah.
COREY
Well. That sounds really boring. So
maybe I should major in something
that’s, like, the opposite of
chemistry.
JACK
Maybe I should wrap my fingers
around your neck, so you can do the
opposite of breathing. Now what do
you intend to major in?
COREY
Dad--I don’t know.
JACK
Do you think I’m gonna pay $8,000 a
year for four years, so my son can
get a bachelor’s degree in "Dad--I
don’t know?"
COREY
I don’t know.
JACK
Give me your wallet.
COREY
What?
JACK
Give me your wallet!
Corey grabs his wallet from a table and hands it to Jack.
Jack opens the wallet, takes out the $25 in it, and puts the
money on Corey’s bed.
JACK
$25. That’s your net worth. Now,
your college education is gonna
cost well over $25,000. Do you
understand how much money that
is? What’s 25,000 divided by 25?

3.

COREY
Um. Dad--I don’t know?
JACK
Let me see your neck for a second.
JOE
Jack--calm down.
COREY
A thousand. 25,000 divided by 25 is
a thousand.
JACK
I’m still gonna choke you.
JOE
(to Jack)
Let’s just take a few minutes and
find a good major for Corey.
JACK
Well. I guess he can major in
math. I mean, he divided 25,000 by
25.
COREY
Math is almost as boring as
chemistry.
JACK
Well. What about that career day
thing you had at high school? Did
you come across anything that
interested you?
INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY
(Flashback scene)
100 STUDENTS are at various booths. Corey is at one of them,
and talking to a PLUMBER (male, 45).
PLUMBER
The great thing about being a
plumber is that you get to show
your buttcrack to people. Very few
jobs have that perk. I mean, if
you’re President, you’ll get
impeached even if you only show a
quarter inch of buttcrack. That’s
what happened to Jimmy Ford. All of
(MORE)

4.

PLUMBER (cont’d)
the Senators from the other party
were like, "It’s bad enough that we
have to listen to this asshole run
his mouth about tax rates. But now
we have to look at his white hairy
ass. Impeach!"
Cut to Corey talking to a FARMER.
FARMER
Have you ever had any interest in
being a farmer?
COREY
Absolutely. I really like the idea
of being a farmer. Except for two
things. One, I don’t like the whole
idea of getting up really early in
the morning. And two, I don’t like
the whole idea of working on a
farm. You know. I don’t want to get
up early, or plant things, or
harvest them, or move them, or wear
gloves. But I definitely want to
talk about bushels. I want to be
Vice President of bushel talk. Are
there any farming jobs where you
talk about bushels from 12 to 4,
and then you go home and watch Hee
Haw and Green Acres?
Cut to Corey talking to a DOCTOR.
COREY
What kind of a doctor are you?
DOCTOR
I specialize in treating
ACL injuries.
COREY
Do you have to get up early to go
to work?
DOCTOR
Well. No. But the hours are long. I
love it, though. I’m passionate
about my work. I’m passionate about
the ACL. It’s a fascinating
ligament. My wife thinks I’m too
into it. Just yesterday, she was
like, "You’re always working. You
(MORE)

5.

DOCTOR (cont’d)
don’t have any time for me. You
don’t take me out to dinner, you
don’t buy me flowers. Just admit
it, Tom. You’re sleeping with the
ACL, aren’t you?" And I said, "No,
honey. That doesn’t even make
sense. How the hell am I supposed
to sleep with a freaking ACL? It’s
a ligament. You can’t sleep with
it. I know--because I’ve tried on
numerous occasions. If I could
sleep with a ligament, I wouldn’t
be married to you anymore."
Cut to Corey talking to Jack.
COREY
So what do you do?
JACK
You know what I do, Corey. I’m a
chemist at Le Ponte.
COREY
How did you know my name?
JACK
Corey. I’m your father.
COREY
Whoa. This is just like Star Wars.
JACK
No. It’s not like Star Wars.
Because A--I’m not Darth Vader. And
B--you’ve been living in my house
for the last 18 years.
COREY
A Jedi must have the deepest
commitment, the most serious mind.
INT. COREY’S BEDROOM - DAY
COREY
Uh. No. No jobs at career day
really interested me. Except for
maybe Jedi.

6.

JACK
Jedi is not an actual job. Now tell
me. What do you want to be when you
get out of college?
COREY
I want to be a billionaire. Oh. And
I don’t want to get up early every
morning, the way Scrooge McDuck and
most other billionaires do. I want
one of those billionaire jobs where
you get up at like 11, and you wear
a top hat and smoke cigars, and you
sing Putting on the Ritz.
JACK
(to Joe)
Did you hear that, Joe? He wants to
be a billionaire who gets up at 11.
As opposed to all those early riser
billionaires, like Scrooge McDuck.
JOE
(to Corey)
Well, uh--if you want to be a
billionaire, you have to deal in
some sort of product or service. Do
you have any product or service in
mind?
COREY
Why does our economy revolve so
much around products and services?
We should add a third category, and
tell people, "OK. You can make
money through one of three things:
products, services, or sitting on
your ass."
JACK
Great. Then you can switch majors
from "Dad--I don’t know" to
"Dad--I’m sitting on my ass."
JOE
(to Corey)
Let me ask you this. What are you
passionate about?
COREY
I don’t know.

7.

JACK
Come on, Corey. You gotta be
passionate about something.
Everyone’s passionate about
something. Your mom is passionate
about opera, and Jane Austen, and
interior decorating. Uncle Joe is
passionate about pork rinds, and
pork chops, and bacon. And I’m
passionate about chemistry, and
politics, and wanting to choke you.
So what are you passionate about?
COREY
Well. I guess there is something.
JACK
What?
COREY
You know bubble wrap?
JACK
Yeah.
COREY
I like popping it.
JACK
... You’re passionate about popping
bubble wrap?
COREY
Well. Yeah.
JACK
Come on, Corey. Name something
else.
COREY
Dad--you and Uncle Joe asked me
what I’m passionate about. And I
told you. I really, really like
popping bubble wrap. I’m passionate
about it. I really get into it--you
know?
JACK
You can’t major in popping bubble
wrap! And you can’t pop bubble wrap
for a living.

8.
JOE
Well. Let’s slow down for a second
and survey this territory. I mean,
he has an interest. Maybe that
interest is connected to some sort
of career or major.
JACK
OK. Fine. We’ll survey the bubble
wrap territory.
JOE
OK. ... How about the shipping
business? That’s bubble wrap
related.
(to Corey)
How would you like to have a career
in the shipping business?
COREY
Well. The thing is, I’m not really
into shipping. I’m into the bubble
wrap itself.
JACK
(to Joe)
You hear that, Joe? He’s into the
bubble wrap itself. As in the
plastic, and the bubbles, and the
air inside of the bubbles. That’s
his passion. Do you still want to
survey the territory?
JOE
Yeah.
JACK
OK. Go ahead and continue
surveying.
JOE
Well. Let’s see.
(to Corey)
Maybe you can sell bubble wrap. You
know what? How about you open one
of those packing stores where they
sell $20 bubble wrap and $8
cardboard boxes? You know how much
money you can make doing that? It’s
even better than running one of
those horseshit coffee places that
sell $4 coffees and all of those
gay European pastries.

9.

COREY
You shouldn’t call those pastries
gay. That’s offensive.
JOE
What’s so offensive about it? I’m
just saying that the pastries are
gay. I’m not saying that they
shouldn’t be allowed to marry each
other.
COREY
You’re not supposed to say "gay"
unless you mean it literally. If
you don’t mean "literally gay,"
then it’s offensive to say gay.
JOE
Well. Those European pastries might
not be literally gay--but they’re
pretty close. I mean, they’re
definitely not literally straight.
There’s only one straight pastry
out there: donuts. And not
Entenmann’s donuts. Those are
bisexual.
COREY
What about cookies? Aren’t they
straight?
JOE
Cookies are also bisexual. Except
maybe oatmeal raisin cookies. Those
are straight.
JACK
OK. I think this discussion has
derailed a little bit. How did we
go from a college major to gay
pastry marriage?
JOE
The point is, if Corey has a
passion for bubble wrap, he can
study to become the owner of a
packing supply store.
COREY
Well. I’m sure there’s a lot of
money in that. But the thing is,
I’m not really into bubble wrap per
se. I don’t really want to buy it
(MORE)

10.

COREY (cont’d)
or sell it or store it or price it.
I just like popping it.
JACK
(to Joe)
Did you hear that, Joe? He likes
popping the bubble wrap.
JOE
I heard. Well. Popping. He’s into
popping. ... I got an idea.
Fireworks.
JACK
Fireworks?
JOE
Yeah. He can put on fireworks
shows. That’s a lot like popping
bubble wrap.
COREY
Well. To be honest, I don’t like
loud noises per se. I’m more into
bubble wrap specifically.
JOE
I see.
COREY
I have an idea. How about instead
of putting on a fireworks show, I
do this: I pop giant bubble wrap
on, like, the Fourth of July? You
know. I can make that a business.
Like a fireworks alternative. And
then on the Fourth of July, people
will be like, "Should we get
fireworks, or should we get Corey
to pop giant bubble wrap?"
JACK
(to Joe)
You hear that, Joe? His career plan
is to combine bubble wrap,
entertainment, and patriotism.
JOE
Yes. I heard.

11.

JACK
(to Corey)
Well, Corey. That is an idea. But
it’s one of those ideas that need
to be put on hold indefinitely.
Now, you gotta have another
passion.
COREY
Well. I like telling people that
they’re wrong.
JOE
Great. You can be someone’s
wife. Wives are experts at telling
their husbands they’re wrong.
COREY
I don’t want to be someone’s wife.
That’s literally gay.
JOE
Like the pastries.
COREY
No. Not like the pastries. The
pastries are non-literally gay--and
that’s why it’s offensive to say
that they’re gay.
JACK
You like telling people that
they’re wrong?
COREY
No.
JACK
No?
COREY
Well. Yeah. I only said "no"
because I wanted to tell you that
you were wrong. But yes, I like
telling people they’re wrong.
JOE
(to Jack)
You know what? If he likes telling
people that they’re wrong, he can
be a lawyer.

12.

COREY
Yeah. I can be a lawyer for the
bubble wrap industry.
JACK
Corey--I don’t think there are that
many lawsuits that involve bubble
wrap.
COREY
Fine. I’ll just be a lawyer lawyer.
And I’ll pop bubble wrap on the
side.
JACK
(to Joe)
Did you hear that, Joe? He’s gonna
pop bubble wrap on the side.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
KELLY (44), DANIELLE (38), and BECKY (33) are seated at a
table.
KELLY
OK. Dish it. Who was that guy my
friend Lisa saw you with at
the movie theater?
BECKY
Well. I don’t think there’s really
much to dish.
KELLY
Well whatever there is, put it on a
dish, add some parsley, and serve
it. It’s been a very slow week
gossiply speaking, so I’m in the
mood for a dish. So dish it. Dish
the dish.
BECKY
OK. Well. The guy’s name is Jim.
We’ve been dating for almost two
months. We go to the movies a lot.
Sometimes we eat popcorn. And our
relationship isn’t really
that dish-worthy right now.
DANIELLE
Do you put butter on the popcorn?

13.

KELLY
(to Becky)
Your love life is usually very
dish-worthy. Like, uh, remember
Sam, and the mystery of the
Spongebob costume you found in his
closet?
BECKY
Yeah. That mystery was solved one
romantic evening when he held me,
he looked into my eyes, and he
asked me to put on the costume and
refer to his penis as Patrick.
DANIELLE
Here’s the real mystery. How come
you went on three more dates with
him?
BECKY
What? He was just a little
eccentric. It’s not like he was a
felon or something.
KELLY
Right. The felon was your boyfriend
Tom.
BECKY
Well. He was a white collar felon.
KELLY
Well. Let’s get back to the new
guy. What kind of felon is he?
BECKY
He’s not a felon.
KELLY
Well what does he do?
BECKY
He’s a lawyer.
KELLY
Oh. So he deals with felons.
BECKY
No. He’s a divorce lawyer.

14.
DANIELLE
Oh. So he deals with assholes.
BECKY
Yes. But I’m not ready to talk
about Jim yet. I mean, I don’t
know. I’ve talked about my
relationships so much with you
guys. We’ve analyzed all of my
dates, and my boyfriends, and my
fiances. And I’m just at a stage in
my life where I’m done talking
about relationships. So let’s just
move on to something else.
KELLY
(to Danielle and Becky)
Well. Um. You know, Corey’s
studying to become a lawyer.
DANIELLE
Since when?
KELLY
Since tomorrow. He starts college
tomorrow, and he’s majoring in
pre-law.
DANIELLE
Wow. I can’t believe he’s already
in college. It seems like just
yesterday he was sitting on the
floor at mom’s apartment, playing
with boxes and packing peanuts.
KELLY
Yeah. Nowadays, he plays with
bubble wrap. Apparently, it’s his
passion.
BECKY
I can’t believe I have a nephew
who’s in college. At this rate,
he’ll end up getting married before
I do. And then you’ll try to set me
up with his wife’s uncle. Some guy
named Leo. And not Leo like
Leonardo DiCaprio. I mean Leo, the
divorced alcoholic car salesman
who’s having a mid-life crisis, and
wants me to wear a Ronald McDonald
costume, and calls my vagina an
Extra Value Meal.

15.

KELLY
Listen. You’re a great girl, and
you don’t need to be so hung up on
relationship stuff.
BECKY
It’s just weird.
(to Kelly)
Your son is going off to college,
(to Danielle)
your son just had his tenth
birthday, and I’m still working at
a balloon shop, and dating guys who
have Pokemon costumes in the their
closets.
DANIELLE
You mean Spongebob costumes.
BECKY
Sam had Spongebob and Pokemon in
his closet. And one time, he wanted
to have a threesome with me as
Spongebob and you as Pokemon.
DANIELLE
He wanted to have a threesome
involving me as Pokemon?
BECKY
Yeah. I didn’t mention it to you.
DANIELLE
I appreciate that.
KELLY
(to Becky)
Well, now you’re dating a lawyer.
BECKY
Who’s also a lunatic.
KELLY
What’s so lunatic-y about him?
BECKY
Great. We’re talking about my
relationships again.
KELLY
Fine. We’ll talk about something
else.

16.

DANIELLE
(to Becky)
What’s so lunatic-y about him?
BECKY
Well. Let’s see. The other day, I
overheard him having an argument
about Canadian politics.
KELLY
That’s not so lunatic-y.
BECKY
He was having the argument with
himself.
KELLY
... Oh. Uh. Well.
BECKY
Are you familiar with Pierre
Duchesne?
KELLY
No.
BECKY
Well. I am. Thanks to Jim. A man
who thinks Pierre Duchesne should
be reelected as governor of Quebec,
and also thinks Pierre Duchesne
should be executed immediately.
Yeah. Those are the highlights of
Monday’s debate between Jim and
Jim. Because Jim is pro Pierre
Duchesne. Jim, on the other hand,
can’t stand Pierre Duchesne.
DANIELLE
Well. So he debated himself
about Pierre Duchesne. Parker does
stuff like that, too.
BECKY
Since when does Parker talk to
himself?
DANIELLE
Since a couple of days ago. I just
found out. Except he doesn’t really
talk to himself. But he does have
an imaginary friend.

17.

BECKY
Well. Parker is ten years old--so
he’s supposed to have imaginary
friends. That doesn’t make him
lunatic-y. But when Jim has
conversations with himself about
Pierre Duchesne, he’s a lunatic.
DANIELLE
Did I mention that Parker’s
imaginary friend is a homeless guy?
BECKY
Whatever. That’s still pretty
normal for a ten year old. My
boyfriend, on the other hand, is
37.
DANIELLE
He’s up to boyfriend status
already?
BECKY
He seems to think so. I mean, the
other day when he was talking to
himself about Canadian bacon, I
overheard him refer to me as his
girlfriend.
DANIELLE
Oh. So you have a new boyfriend.
Congratulations.
BECKY
I have a new boyfriend who talks to
himself.
KELLY
So he talks to himself. So what?
All men are lunatics in one way or
another.
RUSSELL (33) is sitting at the table next to theirs. He
turns around and joins their conversation.
RUSSELL
What--you think women aren’t
lunatics.
DANIELLE
Who the hell are you?

18.

RUSSELL
I’m the guy at the coffee shop who
was listening in to your
conversation.
BECKY
Well, maybe you shouldn’t listen in
to our conversation.
RUSSELL
Says the woman who listens in to
her boyfriend’s conversations with
himself. We’re both eavesdroppers.
BECKY
Touche. Now turn around and mind
your business, asshole.
RUSSELL
OK. It was nice talking to you.
Russell turns around.
BECKY
(to Kelly and Danielle)
Can you believe that guy?
KELLY
Well. He actually seems OK.
BECKY
What are you talking about?
KELLY
Well. I mean, he’s wearing a suit,
and he isn’t wearing a wedding
ring.
BECKY
... What’s your point?
KELLY
I’m just saying. He’s a single guy
wearing a suit, and he seemed to
like you.
BECKY
Are you suggesting that I should
flirt with him?
KELLY
Well. I mean, your current
boyfriend has a habit of talking to
(MORE)

19.
KELLY (cont’d)
himself, while this guy has a habit
of eavesdropping and butting in. I
vote for bachelor number two.
(to Danielle)
What about you?
DANIELLE
Yeah. I also vote for the eavesdrop
and butt in guy.
BECKY
Well I vote against the eavesdrop
and butt in guy.
RUSSELL
Well I vote for him.
DANIELLE
That’s three votes to one.
BECKY
(to everyone)
My love life is not a democracy.
(to Russell)
Now turn around and piss off.
RUSSELL
Oh. You didn’t call me an asshole
this time.
BECKY
What?
RUSSELL
Last time, you said, "Turn around
and piss off, asshole." But this
time you said, "Turn around and
piss off." No asshole. Maybe you’re
warming up to me.
BECKY
Or maybe the second time, the word
"asshole" was implied.
RUSSELL
Maybe. I wonder what you’re gonna
say the third time.
BECKY
The third time, I’g gonna say,
"Turn around and piss off, or I’ll
pepper spray you."

20.

RUSSELL
Once again, no asshole.
BECKY
Asshole.
RUSSELL
OK. I’m gonna turn around.
BECKY
Asshole.
RUSSELL
Right. I’m gonna turn around,
asshole.
BECKY
I’m not the asshole. You’re the
asshole.
RUSSELL
Right. I’m gonna turn around. I’m
an asshole.
He turns around.
KELLY
(to Becky)
You want the rest of this scone?
BECKY
No thanks.
KELLY
Take it.
BECKY
I don’t want it.
KELLY
Danielle--you take it.
DANIELLE
No thanks.
KELLY
Eat it. It’s good.
BECKY
Why are you so intent on getting us
to eat that?

21.
KELLY
Because I’m trying to lose weight.
DANIELLE
That’s not how weight loss works.
You don’t make yourself thinner by
making your sisters fatter.
KELLY
Yeah--but if you two eat this
scone, then I won’t eat this scone.
That’ll save me 300 calories.
BECKY
That’s not really a good weight
loss strategy.
KELLY
Well what is a good weight loss
strategy?
BECKY
Using psychology. When you’re
hungry, just think to yourself,
"Nothing tastes as good as being
thin feels." And then when you’re
half-starved and you pass out, just
think to yourself, "Being thin
feels better than being conscious."
KELLY
Um. Can I just do the standard
thing, and diet while remaining
conscious?
BECKY
Well. I guess. You know, there’s
this new book out called Dr.
Smith’s Guide to Being Lean and
Healthy. My friend lost 30 pounds
following the diet in that book.
And she stayed conscious the entire
time.
RUSSELL
(to Kelly)
I don’t think you need to lose
weight.
KELLY
Well. That’s nice to hear--but how
do I know you’re not saying that
just to get to my sister?

22.
RUSSELL
You mean the pepper spray girl?
KELLY
Yes. The pepper spray girl.
RUSSELL
Would you happen to know the pepper
spray girl’s name?
KELLY
Becky.
RUSSELL
And would you happen to know the
pepper spray girl’s phone number?
BECKY
It’s 373, Piss Off Asshole.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
DANIELLE
So. I’ve got some interesting news.
Our son has a new friend.
QUINCY
OK.
DANIELLE
There’s more. The new friend is an
imaginary friend. An imaginary
adult friend. An imaginary homeless
adult friend.
QUINCY
An imaginary homeless adult friend
who wears moccasins. An imaginary
homeless adult friend who wears
moccasins and sings the theme to
Little Orphan Annie. An
imaginary...
DANIELLE
Quincy--stop adding stuff. I was
done when I said an imaginary
homeless adult friend.
QUINCY
OK. So, uh, should we set a
playdate between Parker and his new
friend?

23.

DANIELLE
I don’t want my son associating
with someone who lives on the
street.
QUINCY
Honey--it’s an imaginary person,
who lives on an imaginary street,
and wears imaginary moccasins, and
smokes imaginary crack cocaine.
Actually--forget the part about
crack cocaine. Parker’s friend
doesn’t do drugs.
DANIELLE
The point is, a homeless imaginary
friend isn’t going to have a good
influence on Parker.
QUINCY
Even if the friend is crack free?
DANIELLE
Yes. Even if he’s crack free.
QUINCY
Well. I don’t think it’s a big deal
if Parker is friends with an
imaginary homeless man who wears
moccasins.
DANIELLE
Can you just talk to him?
QUINCY
You want me to talk to Parker’s
imaginary friend?
DANIELLE
No. I want you to talk to Parker.
QUINCY
OK. Just so we’re totally clear
here--real Parker or imaginary
Parker?
DANIELLE
Real Parker.
QUINCY
Well what the hell am I gonna say
to real Parker?

24.

DANIELLE
Well. Just suggest some ways his
friend can get a home, and a job,
and whatever.
QUINCY
How about instead of doing that, I
go go watch football for three
hours?
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (PARKER’S ROOM) - DAY
QUINCY
Real Parker. I’ve been meaning to
talk to you about your new friend.
PARKER
You mean Bill?
QUINCY
Is he the homeless guy?
PARKER
Yeah.
QUINCY
Um. Where is he?
PARKER
He’s in our backyard.
QUINCY
He’s not smoking crack--is he?
PARKER
No. he’s fixing our sprinklers.
QUINCY
Is "fixing our sprinklers" a slang
term that means "shooting heroin?"
PARKER
No. He’s fixing our sprinklers.
QUINCY
Oh. Good. Our sprinklers keep on
missing the grass. But anyways, I
was just, uh--well, why did, uh,
what, in Uruguay, the pizza is,
uh... how did Bill become homeless?

25.
PARKER
He says it’s because of three
things. One, he’s lazy. Two, his
ex-wife is a no good lying gold
digging dirty bitch whore slut. And
three, society is racist.
QUINCY
Oh. So Bill is a black guy who
doesn’t smoke crack?
PARKER
No. He’s a white guy who doesn’t
smoke crack.
QUINCY
He think’s society is racist
towards white people?
PARKER
Yeah. He says that’s why Obama beat
those two crackers in 2008 and
2012.
QUINCY
Crackers?
PARKER
Yeah. He also called them "white
motherfuckers."
QUINCY
I see. Well, uh, how is your friend
homeless if he lives here with us?
PARKER
He just hangs out here, and then he
leaves and sleeps on the street.
QUINCY
Oh. Well, how about you have him
move in with us and sleep in your
room?
PARKER
But there’s only one bed.
QUINCY
Oh. Well, we’ll put our fold up
mattress in your room. Also, we’ll
get your friend a toothbrush, so he
can brush his teeth. And he can
take showers here, and maybe find a
job.

26.

PARKER
What about all the racism?
QUINCY
Well. He can put some shoe polish
on his face, so people will think
he’s black.
PARKER
Um. OK. But even he looks black, I
don’t he can get a job wearing the
clothes he has.
QUINCY
You mean his moccasins?
PARKER
No. I mean, his t-shirt that says
"George Bush ate all of my Jello."
QUINCY
We can get him new clothes.
PARKER
OK. Give me five hundred dollars.
QUINCY
Um. OK.
He takes out an imaginary wallet and hands Parker imaginary
money.
PARKER
Um. What the hell is this?
QUINCY
Five hundred dollars.
PARKER
Have you lost your mind? I need
actual money.
QUINCY
Oh. I just figured you’d go to an
imaginary store and buy imaginary
clothes.
PARKER
Why would I do that? I don’t want
Bill to walk around naked. He’d be
better off wearing the George Bush
Jello t-shirt.

27.
QUINCY
Oh. Right. Well tell Bill that he
can wear my clothes.
PARKER
Bill doesn’t like the way you
dress.
QUINCY
Fine.
He takes out his wallet and hands Parker a ten dollar bill.
QUINCY
Here’s ten dollars. Tell Bill to
buy his clothes at Ross.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Corey is a class of 20 STUDENTS being addressed by a TEACHER
(male, 40).
TEACHER
OK. Welcome to pre-law 101. I’m
your professor, Mr. Jones.
COREY
Objection.
TEACHER
You’re objecting to how I’m Mr.
Jones?
COREY
No, your honor.
TEACHER
You’re objecting to how this
is pre-law 101?
COREY
Yes, your honor.
TEACHER
Why?
COREY
Well. You’re badgering the witness.
TEACHER
Um. Do you know what the word
"badgering" means?

28.

COREY
Not really.
TEACHER
Do you know what the word "witness"
means?
COREY
Um. Is it a type of hot sauce?
TEACHER
Objection overruled.
COREY
Is it a type of salsa?
TEACHER
(to class)
Anyways, welcome to the world of
law. Let’s get right to it, and
jump into what practicing law is
all really about.
He turns on a TV to Judge Judy, and then sits down and
starts smoking a cigarette.
STUDENT
This is what practicing law is all
really about?
TEACHER
Yes.
STUDENT
This is an episode of Judge Judy.
TEACHER
Right. Watch it and learn.
STUDENT
She’s yelling at people, and
calling them idiots.
TEACHER
Right.
STUDENT
Um. This isn’t really what I
expected when I signed up for
pre-law.

29.
TEACHER
What did you expect? Judge Millian?
STUDENT
No. I expected something more like
Johnnie Cochran.
TEACHER
How much money do you make a year?
STUDENT
Nothing.
TEACHER
How much money did Johnnie Cochran
make a year?
STUDENT
Um. Like, $5 million.
TEACHER
Judge Judy makes $63 million a
year.
STUDENT
Yeah. But she’s a TV character.
TEACHER
So am I. So are you.
STUDENT
That’s true.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Russell and Becky enter the restaurant and walk up to the
HOST.
RUSSELL
Hi. Reservation for Russell
Eavesdropper.
She looks in her book.
HOST
Uh. Yes. Follow me.
Russell and Becky follow the host to a table.
BECKY
(to Russell)
Eavesdropper?

30.

RUSSELL
Yeah.
BECKY
What’s your real last name?
RUSSELL
Watkins. But it’s hard to get
reservations under that name,
because then people think you’re
black, and people are racist. On
the plus side, the name Watkins
helped me get a full scholarship to
Duke University.
They sit at a table. The host hands them menus.
BECKY
So. Russell. Um. Before we
officially start this date, let me
ask you something. Do you have
strong opinions on Spongebob and/or
Pierre Duchesne?
RUSSELL
I think that question is a little
too personal for a first date. Slow
down.
BECKY
OK. Fine. What do you do for a
living?
RUSSELL
I sell homes. What do you do for a
living?
BECKY
I sell balloons. I work at a
balloon store.
RUSSELL
Oh. Do you mean that store on
Jackson Street? Elegant Balloons?
BECKY
No. Elegant Balloons is like the
Walmart of balloon stores. I work
at the K-Mart of balloon stores. We
don’t really have that Walmart-like
elegance. We just have cheap
balloons.

31.

RUSSELL
Oh. Is the name of your store Cheap
Balloons?
BECKY
I wish. Our store is called The
Ballooney Bin.
RUSSELL
I see.
BECKY
We sell balloons at insanely low
prices. Hence the name The
Ballooney Bin.
RUSSELL
Right. Yeah. Well. If I’m ever off
of my medication and I need
balloons, I’ll go to your store.
BECKY
Great. You can use my employee
discount, and get 30% off.
RUSSELL
And if you’re ever looking to buy a
house, you can my employee
discount and get 30% off.
BECKY
You know, you look like a real
estate agent.
RUSSELL
Well. You don’t look like a balloon
agent.
BECKY
Well. Appearances can be deceiving,
OK? I’ve been selling balloons for
two and a half years.
RUSSELL
You must really love it.
BECKY
Must I?
RUSSELL
I don’t know. Must you?

32.

BECKY
Let me ask you a question. What is
it like when you sell a house?
RUSSELL
It’s, uh. It’s nice. I get a
commission, and someone gets a
house.
BECKY
Well. Selling a balloon isn’t quite
like that. Any time I sell a
balloon, I think, "Why the hell
would anyone want to buy a
balloon?"
RUSSELL
Oh. Well. Um. People need balloons
just as much as they need homes.
BECKY
Oh really?
RUSSELL
Well. You know. This is a date.
We’re gonna have like a two hour
long conversation. So over those
two hours. I’m probably gonna say
five or ten things that make no
sense. That was one of them.
INT. JACK AND KELLY FOSTER’S HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT
JACK
Are you hungry?
KELLY
Do you think I’m fat?
JACK
What? No. I was just asking if you
were hungry because I want to have
an early dinner.
KELLY
But I’m just saying. Do you think
I’m fat?
JACK
No. I think I’m fat.

33.
KELLY
Don’t patronize me, Jack.
JACK
Honey--you’re not fat.
KELLY
You never even lift me up off my
feet anymore. The way you used to.
It’s because I’m too fat for you to
lift--isn’t it?
JACK
You’re not fat. I’ll lift you up
right now. You want me to lift you?
KELLY
Yes. ... Well? Go ahead.
JACK
OK.
KELLY
... What are you waiting for?
JACK
... Is it OK if I do a little warm
up first? Just, you know, a few
trunk rotations, and a little
stretching.
KELLY
You need to do a warm up before you
lift my fat, massive ass? When we
were newlyweds, you never used to
warm up before you lifted me. But
now you think I’m fat.
JACK
Honey. I’m 52 years old and I
haven’t done any heavy lifting in a
year.
KELLY
Heavy lifting? So you think I’m
heavy.
JACK
No. I said heavy lifting. As in,
lifting anything more than 50
pounds is heavy lifting. If I were
to lift Angelina Jolie, that would
also be heavy lifting.

34.

KELLY
Oh. So you think I weigh more than
Angelina Jolie? Is that what you’re
saying?
JACK
No.
KELLY
So you’re saying I weigh less than
Angelina Jolie?
JACK
Um. Well. Yes?
KELLY
Wrong answer.
JACK
I meant to say no.
KELLY
That’s also the wrong answer.
JACK
Honey--you don’t look fat. Now can
we just drop this topic?
KELLY
Yeah. Sorry. I just--I don’t know.
I’ll drop it.
JACK
OK.
KELLY
... Can you just lift me, though?
JACK
What?
KELLY
Just pick me up. You can warm up
first.
JACK
Fine.
KELLY
Really?

35.

JACK
Really. No warm up. I’ll pick you
up. Right now. Stand up.
She stands up.
JACK
OK. But before I sweep
your feet, let me just
How much do you weigh?
I lifting over 150, or

you off of
say this.
Ballpark. Am
under 150?

KELLY
Under 150!
JACK
Great. How under 150 are you?
KELLY
I’m negative 15 pounds under 150.
Now lift.
JACK
Negative 15 pounds? So you weigh
165?
KELLY
Just pick me up.
JACK
OK. No problem.
He picks her up.
KELLY
Are you sweating?
JACK
Yes--but I was sweating before I
picked you up. I’m having a very
easy time holding you. OK. I’m
gonna put you down now. I’m gonna
put your light body down.
He puts her down.
KELLY
You look like you’re out of breath.
JACK
No I don’t. I’m just in the mood
for a lot of oxygen. You know. It’s
not you. It’s me and the fact that
(MORE)

36.

JACK (cont’d)
I feel like having a lot of air in
my lungs right now. ... Anyways.
About dinner. How about I order a
pizza?
KELLY
Fine. But you’re gonna eat most of
it.
JACK
OK.
He walks out of the room. Kelly looks down at the table, and
see the half-eaten scone from the earlier coffee chop scene.
She picks it up and takes a bite. She then picks up a book
from the table, and reads the cover.
KELLY
Dr. Smith’s Guide to Being Lean and
Healthy.
She opens the book and starts reading. A holographic
man--DR. SMITH (Male, 40)--pops out of the book, sort of
like a genie coming out of a lamp.
DR. SMITH
I’m the world renowned Dr. Smith,
chief dietary researcher at Harvard
University.
He grabs the scone and throws it in the trash.
DR. SMITH
And according to my 100% conclusive
research, you should eat a pound of
fruit and a pint of tomato juice
every hour. Otherwise, you’ll gain
a hundred pounds in two months, and
then drop dead on Christmas Eve.
KELLY
Oh. Um. That sounds like a lot of
fruit and tomato juice.
DR. SMITH
Are you chief dietary researcher at
Harvard University?
KELLY
Um. No.

37.
DR. SMITH
Did you even go to Harvard
University?
KELLY
No.
DR. SMITH
Are you a doctor?
KELLY
No. I’m an interior designer.
DR. SMITH
Then shut your mouth and follow my
advice, interior designer.
KELLY
OK.
DR. SMITH
That’ll be $27.99.
KELLY
I already paid $27.99 for your
book.
DR. SMITH
I’m a doctor--and I said, that’ll
be $27.99!
KELLY
Fine.
She grabs her pursue, takes out $30, and hands it to him.
DR. SMITH
Now drink some tomato juice and eat
some fruit.
KELLY
Can I have pizza for dinner?
DR. SMITH
No.
KELLY
Can I have my $2 in change?
DR. SMITH
No.
He opens the freezer, and grabs a large rump roast.

38.
DR. SMITH
Don’t eat this.
He walks out holding the rump roast.
Seconds later, Jack walks into the kitchen.
JACK
Um. Who was that guy walking out of
our home with a frozen rump roast?
KELLY
Dr. Smith.
JACK
Right. And who was that other guy
walking out of our home with a bowl
of egg foo yung?
KELLY
I don’t know.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Danielle and Quincy
DANIELLE
Parker’s school called. He got an A
triple plus on his science project.
QUINCY
How did he get so many pluses?
DANIELLE
He built a mini nuclear power
plant.
QUINCY
You mean out of plastic cups,
toothpicks, and tomato juice?
DANIELLE
No. Out of steel, toothpicks, and
uranium.
QUINCY
OK. Well that explains why we have
no more toothpicks in the cupboard.
(yells out to another room)
Parker! Come here!
Parker walks in from the kitchen.

39.

PARKER
What?
QUINCY
How the hell did you build
a nuclear power plant?
PARKER
Bill helped me.
QUINCY
Well where did you get the uranium?
PARKER
Bill got it from his new job.
QUINCY
Does he work for the Libyans?
PARKER
No. Walmart.
QUINCY
Oh.
PARKER
I have to go back in the kitchen
and finish making dinner.
QUINCY
Dinner?
PARKER
Yeah.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT
(Minutes later)
Quincy, Danielle, and Parker are eating dinner.
QUINCY
Holy crap this is good. I feel like
I’m eating a McNugget, a Big Mac,
and a Filet-o-Fish at the same
time. What do you call this?
PARKER
Fried shrimp.

40.

QUINCY
You made this?
PARKER
Me and Bill made it.
QUINCY
Well where’s Bill.
PARKER
He had to go back to work at
Walmart.
QUINCY
(to Danielle)
Honey--Bill and Parker made this.
DANIELLE
I heard.
QUINCY
This is so good.
DANIELLE
It is good. Parker’s a good cook.
QUINCY
And Bill. Bill did most of the
work.
DANIELLE
(sarcastically)
Well good for Bill.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
TEACHER
OK, class. We’re taking a field
trip today.
COREY
Are we going to Six Flags?
TEACHER
No--we’re going to court.
COREY
Well. If we go to Six Flags, we can
use this coupon I have on the back
of my Coke can.

41.

TEACHER
We’re not going to Six Flags.
COREY
You get $10 off per person.
TEACHER
That would be great if we were
going to Six Flags. But we’re not.
We’re going to court.
COREY
They have a new ride at Six Flags.
TEACHER
Well. That information would be
relevant to us if we were going to
Six Flags. But we’re not. We’re
going to court.
COREY
Are you sure?
TEACHER
No.
EXT. SIX FLAGS TICKET BOOTH - DAY
The Teacher, Corey, and other Students are in the front of
the line.
EMPLOYEE
Welcome to Six Flags. How many
tickets do you want?
TEACHER
20. But tomorrow, we’re going to
court.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Kelly is seated at a table, eating a pear and drinking a V8.
DR. JONES (male, 45, wearing a stethoscope) walks up to her.
DR. JONES
What are you eating?
KELLY
A pear.

42.
DR. JONES
And what are you drinking?
KELLY
A V8.
He grans the pear and V8, and throws them into a fountain.
KELLY
Um. Who the hell are you?
DR. JONES
I’m Dr. Jones--head of nutrition at
Yale University.
(pulls several large stacks of
papers out of his pants)
And I have a thousand pages of gold
standard studies proving one thing:
you need to eat no fruit, a
wagonful of tomato paste, and a
spoonful of Mexican chia seeds--in
the most delightful way. Otherwise,
you’ll end up in a diabetic coma
and die on Groundhog’s Day. People
see will your corpse and its
shadow--and they’ll say, "She’s
dead, and winter’s over."
KELLY
What about Dr. Smith? He told me to
eat fruit.
DR. JONES
He’s dead. Why would you listen to
a nutritionist who died at the age
of 50?
KELLY
Did he die of diabetes or
something?
DR. JONES
No. I killed that son of a bitch.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Quincy and Danielle are eating lunch. Parker walks in.
QUINCY
So how’s the nuclear stuff going?
Is there any way we can use it to
charge my iPhone?

43.

PARKER
Well. Bill’s been busy--so we
haven’t been doing much nuclear
fission lately. He got a promotion
at Walmart.
QUINCY
Well how about that!
(to Danielle)
Honey--Bill got a promotion!
DANIELLE
(unenthusiastically)
Great.
QUINCY
You don’t seem very excited.
DANIELLE
I’m excited.
QUINCY
You don’t seem very excited that
your son’s best friend went from
being homeless to being an
assistant manager at Walmart.
DANIELLE
I’m excited.
PARKER
He also got you guys a gift.
QUINCY
Bill got us a gift?
PARKER
Yeah. You know. To thank you for
giving him a home and clothes.
Parker walks out of the room, and comes back dragging a big
heavy bag. He opens the bag, and CAP’N CRUNCH walks out.
QUINCY
It’s Cap’n Crunch.
(to Danielle)
Bill got us Cap’n Crunch as a gift.
CAP’N CRUNCH
(in Australian accent)
G’day mate!

44.

QUINCY
Holy crap. You’re Australian!
CAP’N CRUNCH
Of course I’m Australian. That’s
why you have the legal right to put
me in a sack.
DANIELLE
Parker--where did you get this guy?
PARKER
I told you. Bill got him as a gift
for you guys.
QUINCY
Man. That Bill is really something.
(to Danielle)
You know, maybe we should set Bill
up with your sister.
DANIELLE
What the hell are you talking
about?
QUINCY
You know what I’m talking
about. Bill is an awesome
makes great food, he does
physics, he fixed our
sprinklers--and I’ve only
doing crack once since he
here.

guy. He
nuclear
seen him
moved in

DANIELLE
Quincy--I’m not gonna set Bill up
with my sister.
QUINCY
And why’s that? Is it because he
used to be homeless?
DANIELLE
No. It’s because he’s, uh...
QUINCY
Is it because he’s black?
DANIELLE
No.

45.

QUINCY
He’s not really black. I just told
Parker to have him put shoe polish
on his face.
DANIELLE
You did what?
QUINCY
We had Bill dress up in blackface
to help him get a job. You know.
Because Obama beat those two white
motherfuckers.
DANIELLE
Are you crazy?
QUINCY
Well--it worked, didn’t it. I mean,
Bill just got a promotion at
Walmart. I really think we should
set him up with Becky.
DANIELLE
Well. I’ll ask her if she’s
interested.
QUINCY
Call her up and ask her right now.
DANIELLE
I’ll ask her later. I’m eating
lunch right now.
CAP’N CRUNCH
You want some cereal with your
lunch?
DANIELLE
No thanks, Captain. I prefer eating
cereal for breakfast.
CAP’N CRUNCH
I’m not a Captain. I’m a Cap’N.
C-A-P apostrophe N.
DANIELLE
What’s the difference?
CAP’N CRUNCH
The difference is, a captain sails
on water, while a cap’n sails on
milk.

46.

Danielle gets up.
DANIELLE
(to Quincy)
OK. I’m going to Becky’s house.
CAP’N CRUNCH
You want to eat some cereal before
you go, as an after lunch snack?
DANIELLE
Fuck off, captain.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Cap’N. I sail on milk--not water.
DANIELLE
Great. Why don’t you find some milk
and sail your ass out of our
kitchen?
INT. BECKY’S APARTMENT - DAY
Kelly, Becky, and Danielle are seated at a kitchenette
table.
KELLY
(to Becky)
So how are things going with that
lawyer who talks to himself?
BECKY
Well. I was eavesdropping on him
the other day, and he said
something about how thinks I’m high
maintenance.
DANIELLE
Wait. You heard him say that to
himself?
BECKY
No. I read the texts on his cell
phone.
DANIELLE
Well, who did he send those texts
to?
BECKY
Himself. He sent them to himself.

47.

KELLY
Um. Reading someone’s texts doesn’t
really count as eavesdropping.
BECKY
Let’s not talk about my
relationships. I’m done talking
about them. Remember?
DANIELLE
Fine.
BECKY
By the way--I’m dating that guy I
threatened to pepper spray a few
days ago.
KELLY
What?
BECKY
Yeah. After you guys left, I gave
him my phone number. And we just
had our third date.
KELLY
So you’re kind of cheating on the
lawyer.
BECKY
No I’m not. He’s not my boyfriend.
KELLY
But you said that he said that he’s
your boyfriend.
BECKY
Yeah. But he said that to himself.
He didn’t say it to me. Plus, the
other day, I said that I think we
should see other people.
DANIELLE
And what did he say?
BECKY
Well. He didn’t say anything.
Because I didn’t say it to him. I
said it to myself while he was in
the other room. But I know he heard
me say it.

48.
DANIELLE
So now you’re talking to yourself,
too?
BECKY
Hey. If he can play that card, so
can I.
DANIELLE
Well. Maybe it’s time to break up
with bachelor number one, and start
seeing a psychologist.
BECKY
Hey. It’s not me. Relationships are
confusing and complex. But I don’t
want to talk about my
relationships. Remember?
KELLY
Does anyone want the rest of my
sandwich?
DANIELLE
Oh great. Not this again.
BECKY
How’s the diet going?
KELLY
I’m not sure. I’m still trying to
figure out if I’m on Dr. Smith’s
diet or Dr. Jones’s diet. Dieting
is confusing and complex. Like
relationships.
DANIELLE
Maybe you should start talking to
your sandwiches.
INT. COREY’S ROOM - DAY
Jack and Corey
JACK
OK. You’ve gotten $250 worth of
college so far. What have you
learned?
COREY
Well. Word on campus is that some
guy named Tony Robinson sells the
best weed.

49.
JACK
Great. What have you learned from
your classes?
COREY
Well. I’m taking three classes.
History, English, and Pre-Law. And,
you know, I got my face buried in
textbooks. I’m doing copious
amounts of research on History, and
English, and Pre-Law. By the way,
for those of you who are
uneducated, "copious" means, like,
a lot.
JACK
Great. So what have you learned
from all of your copious research?
COREY
Well. Thanks to my copious
research, I made a very valuable
discovery. I became the first man
to crack the century code. Yeah. I
know what it all means. Here’s what
it comes down to. When a book says
something like "the 16th century,"
that’s code for the 1500s. Or like
when a book says "the 17th
century," that’s code for the
1600s. You subtract one. So that’s
the code. Is that worth $250?
JACK
Well. Let’s talk about your major.
Is it gonna be law, or "Dad--I
don’t know?"
COREY
I don’t know, dad. I mean, the
thing is, I just don’t like Judge
Judy that much. I thought law was
supposed to be more like Dog Day
Afternoon.
JACK
What the hell are you talking
about?
COREY
You know. "You’re out of order!
You’re out of order! The whole
trial is out of order!" There’s
none of that on Judge Judy.

50.

JACK
It sounds like $250 worth of brain
cells have been removed from your
head.
INT. KELLY AND JACK’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Kelly is sitting at a kitchen table, watching TV. She has a
can of tomato juice, a pear, a bag of chia seeds, and a can
of tomato paste in front of her.
KELLY
OK. I can listen to Dr. Jones of
Harvard, or Dr. Smith of Yale. Do I
want to die on Groundhog’s Day, or
on Christmas?
MAN (ON TV)
I lost 100 pounds, and I’m endorsed
by the trifecta of Oprah, Angelina
Jolie, and Mahatma Gandhi. That’s
the real gold standard. And I’ve
proven that you should not eat
fruit in a house, you should not
eat gluten with a mouse, you
should eat the mouse, but not with
bread, eat rice instead, or you’ll
be flabby and dead. Oh yeah. No
tomatoes, tomato juice, tomato
sauce, or tomato paste.
KELLY
(to Man on TV)
But Dr. Jones told me to drink
tomato juice, and Dr. Smith told me
to eat tomato paste.
The Man steps out of the TV and into the kitchen. He takes
off his clothes.
MAN
I lost 100 pounds. You can’t argue
with a guy who’s lost 100 pounds.
Jack walks into the kitchen, and, without noting the Man, he
grabs a slice of pizza out of the refrigerator.
MAN
(to Jack)
You can’t eat that. It contains
gluten. And tomatoes. And dairy.

51.

KELLY
You can’t eat dairy, either?
MAN
No.
JACK
(to Kelly)
Honey. Why is a naked man telling
me I can’t eat this slice of pizza?
Does this have something to do with
your diet?
KELLY
Yeah.
JACK
Great. First the rump roast man,
and now this guy.
MAN
(to Kelly)
By the way--you can eat rump roasts
on my diet.
KELLY
Dr. Smith told me not to eat rump
roasts.
MAN
Have you ever seen Dr. Smith naked?
KELLY
No.
MAN
Well then why the hell would you
listen to his dietary advice?
JACK
(to Kelly)
He makes a good point, honey.
MAN
I’ve lost 100 pounds. Has Dr. Smith
lost 100 pounds?
KELLY
No.
MAN
Well then you need to eat a rump
roast.

52.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Quincy is eating a giant bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Danielle is
seated across from him.
QUINCY
I’m beginning to really like this
Bill feller. I mean, he’s a nuclear
physicist, he’s assistant manager
at Walmart, he cooks, and he even
got us the Cap’n. And it’s just
nice to see Bill turn his life
around. I mean, I hear that Walmart
might promote him up to manager.
DANIELLE
Quincy--you do realize that he’s
imaginary.
QUINCY
Yeah. But I’m just saying--he’s
really amazing. I’m thinking of
taking him to the bar to meet the
guys.
The camera reveals Cap’n Crunch making more cereal.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Can I come, too?
QUINCY
No, stupid. You’re a fictional
character.
Danielle gets up.
DANIELLE
(to Quincy)
OK. I’m gonna go to the coffee
shop.
The Naked Man from the the earlier scene walks into the
kitchen.
MAN
You shouldn’t drink coffee. It’ll
overstimulate your adrenal glands,
and make you gain weight.
DANIELLE
Who the hell are you?

53.

MAN
I’m the naked guy who’s lost 100
pounds.
DANIELLE
Good for you. Get the hell out of
my kitchen.
He leaves.
DANIELLE
(to Quincy)
Bye, honey.
QUINCY
Bye.
She leaves.
Quincy continues eating his cereal.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Should I make some more cereal?
QUINCY
Well. Can you make something other
than Cap’n Crunch cereal?
CAP’N CRUNCH
What do you mean?
QUINCY
Like, can you make Coca Puffs?
CAP’N CRUNCH
I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say
that.
Parker walks in.
QUINCY
Parker. If I go to Walmart, do you
think Bill can get me a discount on
some Cocoa Puffs?
CAP’N CRUNCH
Fuck you.
PARKER
(to Quincy)
I don’t know. I haven’t been
talking to Bill that much lately.

54.

QUINCY
Why?
PARKER
Well. We got into a fight.
QUINCY
About what?
PARKER
Well. He was sleeping in my room.
And I saw something moving under
the blankets. It was Bill’s hand.
He was masturbating.
QUINCY
Um. What?
PARKER
Bill masturbated in his bed last
night.
QUINCY
Oh. Well. How do you know what
masturbating is?
PARKER
Bill told me. I said, "What are you
doing?" And he was like, "I’m
masturbating."
QUINCY
Did you tell him to stop?
PARKER
Yeah.
QUINCY
Did he stop?
PARKER
No.
QUINCY
You’re kidding. Bill did that?
PARKER
Yeah.
QUINCY
That doesn’t sound like the Bill I
know.

55.

CAP’N CRUNCH
(to Quincy)
If you want a chocolate cereal, I
can make Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey
Crunch.
QUINCY
Not now, Cap’n. I’m trying to have
a talk with my son about the man in
his bedroom who masturbates at
night.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Um. I’m not capable of processing
information that isn’t related to
cereal.
QUINCY
OK. Let me put it this way. I’m
trying to have a talk with my son
about the man in his bedroom who
eats cereal and masturbates at
night.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Oh. OK. I get it. Cereal and
masturbation. ... What kind of
cereal does he eat?
QUINCY
It doesn’t really matter. The
cereal’s not the issue here. It’s
the masturbation.
CAP’N CRUNCH
If I had a nickel for every time
I’ve heard someone say that.
EXT. PIZZERIA - DAY
Kelly walks by a pizzeria, and sees Becky and Russell seated
at a table eating pizza. She walks in.
INT. PIZZERIA - DAY
Becky and Russell are seated at a table, and eating
pizza. Kelly walks in.
KELLY
Hi.

56.

BECKY
Hi.
KELLY
I was just walking by, and I saw
you, and your pizza, and your
friend here.
BECKY
(to Russell)
Uh. Russell. You remember my sister
Kelly from the coffee shop--right?
RUSSELL
Well. She looks a little different.
(to Kelly)
Have you lost weight?
KELLY
Yes. I’m on fur different diets,
and I’ve already lost an eighth of
a pound.
BECKY
Um. You want some pizza?
KELLY
Um. No. It has too much fat. And
carbs. And salt. Also, its flour is
white. It’s against gay rights.
It’ll elevate my triglycerides,
it’ll modulate my rhinocerides,
it’ll make my gut get supersized,
it’ll give me double thunder
thighs. It’s not right for my blood
type, it doesn’t connect to my
iPhone, it doesn’t match my
doorknob, it doesn’t get along with
my mailman. It smells like teen
spirit, it looks like Gene Shalit,
it sounds like Vladimir Putin, it
contains dairy and gluten. It’s
hiding a voice recorder, its toilet
is out of order, it isn’t certified
organic, and it really doesn’t
trust Hispanics. I can give you 127
more reasons why I shouldn’t eat a
slice of pizza.

57.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Quincy and Danielle
QUINCY
I was, uh, talking to Parker
earlier. And he told me something
that Bill did last night.
DANIELLE
What--did he build a nuclear power
plant?
QUINCY
Uh. No. Parker saw Bill
masturbating in his bed.
DANIELLE
What? He saw Bill masturbating?
QUINCY
Well. Yeah. But, you know what? I
think Parker’s lying.
DANIELLE
What do you mean Parker’s lying?
QUINCY
He’s making it up.
DANIELLE
Of course he’s making it up.
QUINCY
So we both agree that Bill didn’t
masturbate in his bed. He just
slept. And Parker made up the whole
masturbating thing.
DANIELLE
Parker made up the whole Bill
thing. Bill isn’t a person.
QUINCY
That’s just like you, Danielle.
You’re always badmouthing Bill,
just because he used to be
homeless.
DANIELLE
Bill is imaginary.

58.

QUINCY
Well what do you want to do?
DANIELLE
Let’s talk to Parker.
QUINCY
(calls out to another room)
Parker! Come here!
Parker enters the room.
PARKER
What?
DANIELLE
Your father and I were just talking
about you and Bill.
QUINCY
Parker. You’re grounded.
PARKER
What? Why?
QUINCY
For making up that whole thing
about Bill masturbating. Your
mother and I both agree that you
made it up.
PARKER
But I didn’t make it up. He
masturbated last night.
DANIELLE
Quincy--can I talk to you in the
kitchen for a second?
QUINCY
This is the kitchen. See? There’s a
refrigerator right there. And Cap’n
Crunch is standing by the water
cooler.
DANIELLE
Fine. Can I talk to you in the
bathroom for a second?

59.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
DANIELLE
Quincy--you can’t ground Parker
just because he’s telling us his
imaginary friend masturbated.
QUINCY
Listen. If anyone’s gonna
masturbate in this house, it’s
gonna be me. OK?
DANIELLE
What?
QUINCY
The point is, I don’t like the type
of person Parker’s turning Bill
into.
DANIELLE
So you’re gonna ground him because
you don’t like this new plot twist
he made in the life of Bill?
QUINCY
Exactly. He’s damaging Bill’s
reputation. Besides, I don’t think
Bill really masturbated in Parker’s
room. I think Parker made the whole
thing up.
DANIELLE
Of course he made the whole thing
up.
QUINCY
(calls out to another room)
Parker! Get in here!
Parker walks into the room.
PARKER
What?
QUINCY
Your mother and I both agree that
you made up the whole story about
Bill masturbating.
PARKER
But he really masturbated.

60.

DANIELLE
I know he did, honey. Now go to
your room. Wait. Is Bill in your
room?
PARKER
Yeah.
DANIELLE
Well then, go somewhere other than
your room.
INT. THE BALLOONEY BIN - DAY
Becky is blowing some balloons. Russell walks in.
RUSSELL
Hi.
BECKY
Russell. What are you doing here?
RUSSELL
Well. I just wanted to see you.
BECKY
What for?
RUSSELL
You know. ’Cause I like you.
BECKY
Oh. OK.
RUSSELL
And I just wanted to see you in
action here at the Ballooney Bin.
Now how about you sell me some
balloons?
BECKY
OK. What kind of balloons are you
looking for?
RUSSELL
Water.
BECKY
You want water balloons?

61.
RUSSELL
Yeah.
BECKY
Who are you gonna throw them at?
RUSSELL
Um. Probably my grandmother. Or I
can just fill them up, and put them
in the middle of the park, with a
sign that says Free Water Balloons.
And then what happens, happens.
INT. JACK AND KELLY FOSTER’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Kelly is wearing a traditional Japanese outfit, and using
chopsticks to eat rice.
JACK
Um. Why are you using chopsticks to
eat rice?
KELLY
I’m on the Okinawan diet.
JACK
I thought you were on that naked
guy’s diet.
KELLY
I am.
JACK
Was that naked guy Okinawan?
KELLY
No.
JACK
Are all Okinawans naked?
KELLY
What the hell are you talking
about?
JACK
What diet are you on?
KELLY
I’m on the naked guy’s diet, and
the Okinawan diet. And I’m also
kind of on Dr. Smith’s diet. And
Dr. Jones’s diet.

62.

JACK
Why are you on all four of those
diets?
KELLY
What do you mean why? Dr. Smith is
from Harvard, Dr. Jones is from
Yale, the naked guy lost 100
pounds, and Okinawan women all
weigh 100 pounds and live to the
age of 100.
A WOMAN walks into the kitchen.
WOMAN
Is that rice?
KELLY
Yes.
The Woman slaps Kelly in the face.
WOMAN
Rice is way too high in carbs.
Don’t eat rice. Just eat mice. You
had 67 grams of rice carbs for
lunch, and 52 grams of Corn Flake
carbs for breakfast. That means for
dinner, you should have a gallon of
water for desert, and a main course
of one finger down your throat. Any
questions?
KELLY
Who the hell are you?
WOMAN
I’m a doctor, and I lost 157
pounds.
JACK
Let me you tell me something,
Missy. Before my wife takes your
advice, I’m gonna have to see you
naked.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Quincy is eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey Crunch.
Parker walks in.

63.

PARKER
Is that Cocoa Puffs?
QUINCY
No. This is Cap’n Crunch’s
Chocolatey Crunch.
Cap’n Crunch is at the kitchen counter, making more cereal.
CAP’N CRUNCH
Damn right it is!
PARKER
What’s the difference between Cocoa
Puffs and Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey
Crunch?
CAP’N CRUNCH
What’s the difference! The
difference is I’m a Cap’n--not a
freaking cuckoo bird. Plus, Coca
Puffs is made out of coal and
urine.
PARKER
Oh. OK.
QUINCY
So how are things between you and
Bill?
PARKER
They’re good.
QUINCY
Is he, uh, still masturbating in
your room?
PARKER
No.
QUINCY
Well. Great. Where’s Bill now?
PARKER
He’s on a date.
QUINCY
Oh really? Who’s he on a date with?
PARKER
Aunt Becky.

64.
QUINCY
Wow! Really?
PARKER
Yeah. Bill says the two of them are
really getting serious.
QUINCY
Holy crap! I can’t wait to talk to
your mother about this!
INT. PACKING SUPPLY STORE - DAY
Corey walks up to an EMPLOYEE (male, 50).
COREY
Hi. I noticed that you have bubble
wrap for sale.
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. Do you want some?
COREY
No. I already have plenty.
EMPLOYEE
OK. Do you want some boxes?
COREY
No. I’m Corey Foster, attorney at
pre-law.
EMPLOYEE
Pre-law?
COREY
I’m with the firm of Mr. Jackson’s
Pre-law 101. Are you interested in
suing someone?
EMPLOYEE
Um. No.
COREY
You know, there are a lot of
untapped areas in the bubble wrap
lawsuit market. According to my
extensive online research, a grand
total of zero bubble wrap related
lawsuits have been filed in the US
since the invention of bubble wrap
in 1492.

65.

EMPLOYEE
Bubble wrap was invented in 1492?
COREY
Um. Probably. Anyways, I think we
should sue the company that makes
the air that goes in your bubble
wrap.
EMPLOYEE
Um. I don’t think any company makes
air.
COREY
Well. We can sue the tobacco
industry. Because sometimes
cigarettes are packed in bubble
wrap. You know. Cigarettes cause
lung cancer, and emphysema, and
AIDS.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Parker is on a cell phone. Quincy is eating cereal.
PARKER
(to cell phone)
What? ... I don’t know. .... Well,
just take a nap. ... OK. Bye.
Parker puts away the phone.
QUINCY
When did you get a cell phone?
PARKER
Bill gave it to me. That was him on
the phone. He said he got fired
from Walmart.
QUINCY
Why? What happened? Did he forget
to put shoe polish on his face?
’Cause if he did, we can file a
racial discrimination lawsuit. They
can’t fire him just because he’s a
white person who’s been disguising
himself as a black person.
PARKER
He showed up to work drunk.

66.

QUINCY
What? He’s been clean and sober for
a while now--except for that one
time I saw him doing crack. Why did
he start drinking again?
PARKER
He was mad about Aunt Becky.
QUINCY
Why?
PARKER
Well. I’m not sure. He didn’t tell
the whole story. But he did say
that she’s a no good lying gold
digging dirty bitch whore slut.
QUINCY
Oh really?
EXT. BECKY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Becky and Jim
BECKY
Jim. We need to talk.
JIM
About what? Let me guess. Canadian
politics.
BECKY
No. Our relationship.
JIM
Well. I Was pretty close.
BECKY
Canadian politics isn’t pretty
close to our relationship.
JIM
They’re very close. I mean,
Canadian politics is meaningless,
and our relationship is
meaningless.
BECKY
Yeah. Well. I want to talk about
our meaningless relationship.

67.

JIM
Well. I’ve talked it over with
myself. And I think I’m ready to
take this relationship to the next
level.
BECKY
You better not ask me to put on a
Spongebob costume.
JIM
Uh. No. I want to introduce you to
my step-cousin.
BECKY
Your step-cousin? Don’t you want to
introduce me to your parents?
JIM
I think it’s a little too soon for
that. Besides. I’m sure my mother
will hate you.
BECKY
Why? Has she hated all of your
girlfriends?
JIM
No. I just think she’ll hate you
specifically.
The phone rings. Becky picks it up.
BECKY
(on phone)
Hello. ... Quincy--what are you
doing here? ... Fine.
She presses a button on the phone.
BECKY
That was my brother-in-law.
JIM
You’re married?
BECKY
No. That was my sister’s husband. I
just buzzed him up. He wants to
talk to me.
The doorbell rings.

68.

BECKY
Just wait here.
The doorbell rings. Becky answers it.
BECKY
Uh. Hi.
QUINCY
Hi.
BECKY
What brings you here?
QUINCY
Why don’t you go ahead and guess?
BECKY
I don’t know. Something other than
Canadian politics?
QUINCY
Exactly. I’m here because of Bill.
BECKY
Bill who?
QUINCY
Bill the Bill you’ve been dating.
That’s Bill who.
Jim walks over to the door.
JIM
(to Becky)
Bill the Bill you’ve been dating?
QUINCY
(to Becky)
Who the hell is this?
BECKY
This is Jim.
JIM
Jim the Jim she’s been dating.
QUINCY
(to Becky)
Jim the Jim you’ve been dating? So
you are two-timing Bill.

69.
JIM
(to Becky)
You’ve been seeing someone else?
BECKY
Yes--but it’s not Bill.
JIM
What?
BECKY
I mean no. I’m not seeing someone
else. But I do want to break up
with you.
JIM
Because of Bill?
BECKY
I don’t know who the hell Bill is.
QUINCY
Bill was right. You are a liar.
BECKY
Who the hell is Bill?
QUINCY
He’s he guy you’ve been dating, and
he’s the guy whose Walmart discount
you’ve been using for the past two
days.
JIM
(to Becky)
Now I know why you’ve been
shopping so much at Walmart lately.
BECKY
That’s not why. I just like
Walmart.
QUINCY
Listen, Becky. Bill’s a great guy.
He’s an amazing guy. Don’t believe
those rumors about him masturbating
next to a ten year old boy. Bill is
awesome. He does nuclear physics.
He cooks.
JIM
I gotta admit. Bill sounds pretty
amazing. Doesn’t he?

70.

BECKY
Well. I guess.
JIM
I wan’t talking to you. I was
talking to me.
BECKY
Well. Tell you that you should stop
talking to yourself.
JIM
Becky. Just answer
want to be with me
step-cousin, or do
with Bill and meet

this. Do
and meet
you want
his step

you
my
to be
cousin?

BECKY
I don’t want to meet anyone’s step
cousin.
(to Jim and Quincy)
And I want both of you to get out
of my apartment.
add scene
INT. THE BALLOONEY BIN - DAY
CUSTOMER
Are these balloons inflatable?
BECKY
Uh. Yeah.
CUSTOMER
Do they have a maximum air
capacity?
BECKY
Yes.
CUSTOMER
Do they have a minimum air
capacity?
BECKY
No.
CUSTOMER
Thank you. You’ve been very
helpful.

71.

He turns around and walks out of the store. Becky grabs a
water bottle off of a counter and drinks some water.
A POLICE OFFICER (male, 40) walks into the store.
POLICE OFFICER
Becky Lewis. You’re under arrest.
BECKY
For what?
POLICE OFFICER
The murder of Bill.
BECKY
Bill?
POLICE
Yeah. Bill.
BECKY
Bill who?
POLICE
You know. Bill.
BECKY
I don’t know Bill.
POLICE
Bullshit! You know him! Everyone
knows you’ve been dating him! And
no one has seen him over the past
24 hours.
BECKY
I’ve never seen him.
POLICE
Where’s the body?
BECKY
The body?!
POLICE
Yes! The body! What’s that in your
bottle? Is it Bill’s blood?
BECKY
This isn’t even red.

72.

POLICE
Is it Bill’s urine?
BECKY
This isn’t even yellow. It’s water.
POLICE
The human body is 95% water! That
must be Bill’s water! You’re
drinking the 95% water from his
body! That water is gonna be
exhibit A.
INT. COURT BUILDING - DAY
Becky is seated outside of a courtroom. We can only see her
face and neck. Jim walks up to her.
BECKY
Jim.
JIM
Becky. What are you doing here?
BECKY
I, uh, I’m contesting a ticket.
We see that Becky is wearing an orange jumpsuit and
handcuffs, and is accompanied by an OFFICER.
JIM
Why are you in an orange jumpsuit
and handcuffs?
BECKY
I’m contesting a ticket for killing
someone.
JIM
Oh. Well. Who did you kill?
BECKY
No one. That’s why I’m contesting
the ticket.
JIM
I see. Well. If you don’t get
convicted or murder, do you want to
maybe go out again? You still
haven’t met my step cousin.

73.
BECKY
I don’t know.
JIM
Well. I’ll call you. I should
probably get going now. I got a
really big divorce case today.
BECKY
Who’s getting divorced?
JIM
Um. Me.
BECKY
You’re married?!
JIM
Yeah. Anyways, I’ll call you.
INT. WALMART - DAY
Danielle is at the front of a cash register. The CASHIER
looks at her items.
CASHIER
OK. Let’s see. Coca Puffs, shoe
polish, and moccasins. It sounds
like you’re planning to have a
really wild night.
DANIELLE
Not really.
CASHIER
By the way--you can’t really use
this shoe polish to
polish moccasins.
DANIELLE
I know.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
A JUDGE (female, 50), LAWYERS, and various OTHER PEOPLE are
in attendance.
JUDGE
Okay. Judgement is in favor of the
plaintiff, in the amount of $953
million. Let’s move on to our next
case.

74.

Kelly walks into the courtroom.
JUDGE
Kelly Foster is suing Dr. Jones,
Dr. Smith, a naked guy, a clothed
woman, and the country of Okinawa
for bullshit diet advice.
Dr. Jones, Dr. Smith, the Naked Man, and several OKINAWAN
PEOPLE are in the defendant’s section.
Corey is seated in the courtroom, as are his Classmates and
his Teacher.
COREY
(to Kelly)
Mom?
KELLY
Corey? What are you doing here?
COREY
I’m studying law with my pre-law
class. This is our field trip. I
wanted to go to Six Flags.
JUDGE
(to Kelly)
Mrs. Foster. Why exactly are you
suing these people and the country
of Okinawa?
KELLY
Because fuck them and their diets.
The Judge slams her gavel.
JUDGE
OK. I find in favor of the
plaintiff, in the amount of one
rump roast.
KELLY
One rump roast?
JUDGE
Yeah. the defendants have to pay
you one rump roast. By the way--you
can eat rump roasts. They’re low in
carbs.

75.
KELLY
Fuck you.
JUDGE
(to the Court)
OK. Next case.
Becky is escorted into the room.
COREY
Aunt Becky?
BECKY
Hi Corey.
JUDGE
Becky Landers, You’ve been charged
with murdering Bill. How do you
plead?
BECKY
Not guilty, your honor.
JUDGE
So you didn’t murder Bill?
BECKY
No. I don’t even know Bill.
JUDGE
Bullshit. You knew him, and you
killed him.
COREY
Objection, your honor.
JUDGE
Who the hell are you?
COREY
I’m Corey.
JUDGE
Aren’t you the guy who was sitting
outside of the courtroom popping
bubble wrap?
COREY
Yes. I’m him. Corey Foster,
attorney at pre-law. Would you
happen to know anyone who packs
cigarettes in bubble wrap, and has
AIDS?

76.

JUDGE
No. Now what’s your objection?
COREY
The defendant is my Aunt.
JUDGE
So?
COREY
Well. Um. You’re badgering the
witness.
JUDGE
Objection overruled.
(to Becky)
Becky Landers, you killed Bill.
Danielle walks in to the courtroom, She’s wearing moccasins,
and has shoe polish on her face.
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
Objection, your honor.
JUDGE
Who are you?
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
I’m Bill.
JUDGE
So you’re Bill?
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
Yes. Yes. I’m Bill.
JUDGE
Right. Yeah. I can tell, because
you’re black, and you’re wearing
moccasins. Like Bill. So, uh, did
Becky Landers murder you?
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
No.
JUDGE
Prove it.

77.

DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
Well. I’m not dead.
JUDGE
We’ll see about that! Count
backwards from 100 to 0.
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
Um. 100, 99, 98, 97...
Cut to later.
DANIELLE
(in man’s voice)
...5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.
JUDGE
Well. I guess you’re not dead. In
that case-(to Becky)
Becky Landers, you’re not guilty.
(to Danielle)
And Bill--you’re under arrest for
masturbating next to a ten year old
boy.
COREY
Objection, your honor. You’re
badgering the witness.
JUDGE
Objection sustained.
(to Danielle)
Bill--you’re free to go.
COREY
Is it because he’s black?
JUDGE
No.
INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCY’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Danielle, Kelly, Becky, and Quincy are watching TV. Kelly is
eating a scone.
DANIELLE
Isn’t the State of the Union
Address on right now?

78.

QUINCY
Yeah. But we’re watching Judge
Judy.
DANIELLE
It’s the commercials.
QUINCY
Fine. We’ll watch the State of the
Union Address during the
commercials.
She changes the channel to Obama’s State of the Union
Address.
(ON TV) INT. CONGRESS - DAY
BARACK OBAMA
So in summary, we’ve done a lot of
good stuff, blah blah blah, I’m a
really good President. There you
go. There’s the State of the
Union. Oh. One more thing.
He uses a towel to rub some of the black color off of his
face, and reveals white skin underneath.
BARACK OBAMA
I’m not really black. I just put
shoe polish on my face so I would
get elected over those two white
motherfuckers.