False Cookery

False Cookery
By Ty Davis
We are being invaded my friends. We are being invaded by aliens. And I don’t
mean Mexicans alt!o"g! t!ey are invading "s#. I am s$eaking abo"t t!e orange people.
All of t!e !eavy d"ty %& ent!"siasts m"st be sto$$ed immediately.
All t!e fake bakers o"t t!ere need to learn to be $atient. I kno' yo" can’t tan in
t!e 'inter. Be real t!o"g!( no one’s going to care if yo"’re a little bit $aler t!an "s"al. Do
t!is for me) '!en it’s t!e middle of 'inter and yo" see someone t!at is of t!is ama*ing(
ne' race '!ic! 'ill be !encefort! kno'n as Orangies#( go "$ to t!em and ask t!em +"st
'!y exactly t!ey’re orange. I really can’t stand it '!en $eo$le look fake. And I really
can’t stand all t!e !air dying( nice clot!es and make "$( regardless of !o' "nbelievably
!ot it makes yo" look, -kay I don’t mind it t!at m"c!.
T!e tanning bed lig!ts need to be "sed only for really cree$y effects at .allo'een
and b"rning $eo$le to deat! in !orror movies. It is terrible for yo". All t!e skin cancer
yo" can get from t!e s"n( b"t /0(/12(222 miles closer to !ome. T!ere is even evidence
t!at t!is artificial tanning can be addictive( beca"se it gives yo" a nat"ral !ig!. .mm,
t!at mig!t act"ally get more $eo$le to go to -range side. I !ave !"rt my o'n arg"ment.
3o' '!at abo"t t!ose creams4 T!at toot! $aste for yo"r skin. T!e -rangies t!at
"se t!ese terrible( time saving conveniences are t!e single la*iest $eo$le on eart!. T!ey
can’t go o"tside( in a bat!ing s"it( and sit in a reclined c!air. And don’t give me t!at 5I
don’t !ave t!e time to tan nat"rally(6 or 5I don’t 'ant to s"ffer any of t!e negative side
effects from "ltraviolet radiation.6 T!ere is no room in t!is article for yo"r common facts
and lifestyles t!at yo" !ave no control over d"e to 'orking !o"rs( vol"nteer 'ork( etc.
T!ere is( of co"rse( t!e com$lete o$$osite of t!e -rangies. T!ese $eo$le t!at 'ant
to be $ale are ty$ically of t!e got!ic s"bc"lt"re. I !ave seen t!em go o"t for t!e cam$"s
'alk in 7.8. and scream in terror as t!eir n"mber of melanocytes increases. I’ve observed
t!em s!o"ting s"c! t!ings as 5My eyes9 My "nad+"sted and sensitive eyes96 and 53o9
3ot vitamin D9 Anyt!ing b"t t!at96 I believe t!ey are trying to blind everyone else by
!aving lig!t reflect off t!eir $asty skin and into o"r eyes. -r $er!a$s t!ey are extremist
members of ::: t!at don’t 'ant to look even remotely like a different race. I mig!t be
exaggerating !ere.
;ea s"mmari*ation9 T!ere is a ne' race called -rangies. Tanning beds are t"bes
of "$ close( in yo"r face skin damage. Tanning creams are for '"ssies. 7ale $eo$le are
racists. -n a side note( it seems odd to me t!at "ltraviolet radiation t"rns $eo$le orange or
even red. <!o"ldn’t t!ey t"rn $"r$le4 I mean( it is "ltraviolet radiation. It doesn’t make
sense t!at t!is ca"ses $eo$le to t"rn a color t!at is on t!e com$lete o$$osite side of t!e
visible lig!t s$ectr"m. Arg!( c"rse t!e ex$lanation of t!is t!at I am too la*y to look "$9