Flanders@SwannLyrics

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A Transport of Delight
Flanders: "Omnibus", my friend Mr Swann informs me, comes from the atin, "omnibus", meaning to or for, by, with, or from e!erybody " which is a !ery good description# This song is about a bus, it$s wittily subtitled " %& thought of this' " "A Transport of Delight"( )oth: Some people li*e a motorbi*e, some say, "A tram for me#", Or for bonny army lorry, they$d lay them down and dee( Such means of locomotion seem rather dull to us, Swann: The dri!er((( Flanders: ((( and conductor of((( )oth: ((( a ondon omnibus# +old !ery tight please, ting ting( +old !ery tight please, ting ting( Flanders: ,hen you are lost in ondon, and you don$t *now where you are, -ou$ll hear my !oice a"calling, "Mo!e further down the car#"( )oth: And !ery soon you$ll find yourself inside the terminus, &n a ondon transport, diesel engine, ninety"se!en horsepower omnibus( Swann: Along the .ueen$s great highway, & dri!e my merry load, At twenty miles per hour in the middle of the road( )oth: ,e li*e to dri!e in con!eys, we$re most gregarious, The big si/"wheeler, scarlet painted, ondon transport, diesel engine, ninety"se!en horsepower omnibus( 0arth has not anything to show more fair, Flanders: Mind the stairs, please, Swann: Mind the stairs((( Flanders: Mind the stairs((( )oth:

0arth has not anything to show more fair, Swann: Any more fares1 Flanders: Any more fares, any more fares1 Swann: ,hen cabbies try to pass me before they o!erta*es, & stic*s me flippin$ hand out and & 2ams on all me bra*es( Flanders: Those 2ac*al ta/i dri!ers can only swear and cuss, )ehind that monarch of the road, Swann: Obser!er of the highway code, Flanders: That big si/"wheeler, Swann: Scarlet painted, Flanders: ondon transport, Swann: Diesel engine, )oth: 3inety"se!en horsepower omnibus( Swann: & stops when &$m re4uested, although it spoils the ride, So we can shout, Flanders: "5et out of it# ,e$re full right up inside"( )oth: ,e don$t as* much for wages, we only want fair shares, So cut down all the stages, and stic* up all the fares( &f tic*ets cost a pound apiece, why should you ma*e a fuss1 Flanders: &t$s worth it 2ust to ride inside, Swann: That thirty"foot long by ten"foot wide, Flanders: &nside that monarch of the road, Swann: Obser!er of the highway code, )oth: The big si/"wheeler,

ondon transport, Diesel engine, 3inety"se!en horsepower, 3inety"se!en horsepower omnibus# Flanders: +old !ery tight, please# %On piano' Ting ting#

A Song of 6eproduction
Flanders: This is a song of reproduction( )oth: & had a little gramophone, &$d wind it round and round( And with a sharpish needle, &t made a cheerful sound( And then they amplified it, &t was much louder then( And used sharpened fibre needles, To ma*e it soft again( Today for reproduction, &$m as eager as can be( 7ount me among the faithful fans, Of high fidelity( +igh fidelity, +i"Fi$s the thing for me( ,ith an 8 dis* and an FM set, And a corner refle/ cabinet( +igh fre4uency range, 7omplete with auto"change( Flanders: All the highest notes neither sharp nor flat, Swann: The ear can$t hear as high as that( Flanders: Still, & ought to please any passing bat, Swann: ,ith my high fidelity(

Flanders: ,ho made this circuit up for you, anyway1 )ought it in a shop1 Oooh, what a horrible shoddy 2ob they fobbed you off with with( Surprised they let you ha!e it in this room anyway, the acoustics are all wrong( &f you raise the ceiling four feet((( put the fireplace from that wall to that wall((( you$ll still only get the stereophonic effect if you sit in the bottom of that cupboard( & see((( & see you$!e got your negati!e feedbac* coupled in with your push"pull"input"output( Ta*e that across through your redded pic*up to your tweeter, if you$re modding more than eight, you$re going to get wow on your top( Try to bring that down through your pre"amp rumble filter to your woofer, what$ll you get1 Flutter on your bottom# )oth: +igh fidelity, Flanders: FF66 for me( )oth: &$!e an opera here that you shan$t escape, On miles and miles of recording tape( +igh decimal gain, &s easy to obtain( Flanders: ,ith the tone control at a single touch, Swann: )el canto sounds li*e double Dutch( )oth: )ut & ne!er did care for music much, &t$s the high fidelity# Flanders: This is perhaps a good moment to e/plain that we don$t normally ha!e these things standing around here, but tonight they are recording this " stereophonically, in fact " for posterity( So where!er you$re sitting now, that$s where you$ll be on the record( Sit up nice and straight( Any of you feel li*e rolling in the aisles or being carried out helpless with mirth, this is a 2olly good night to do it# Do you want to say hello to posterity1 Swann: +ello# Flanders: +ello, 8osterity# &f we sort of mo!e around a bit, they$ll use it for demonstration purposes(

5nu &ntroduction
Flanders: ,e$!e had a lot of luc* with records( Some of the songs that ha!e made our names a household word((( li*e "slop buc*et"((( are the little series of animal songs we$!e been writing mostly for &an ,allace " an artist we !ery much admire((( we ha!e se!eral of his paintings at home( ,e$!e often as*ed how we write these songs((( often as*ed why, come to thin* of it( &t$s not always easy to say e/actly how the idea for a song first comes, but & can happen to tell you how & first got the idea for this ne/t song( & li!e in 9ensington((( naturally# %8ointing to Swann' )attersea# +e calls it "South 7helsey"( &t$s !ery much snobby for me((( turn left by 8onting$s dustbins( Scarsdale :illa, it$s all a decayed gentility, !ery nice there, you *now " open, trees, !ery happy there( The road itself is a bit of a snag( That road has got the steepest cambre on it " you *now, the old slope " of any road in ondon( &t$s about one in three( &f you par* your car by the pa!ement, as people do from time to time, the car$s tilted, li*e that( ,ell now, that means you can only get this nearside door open a little bit, then the pa!ement stops it( &f you want to use this door you$!e got to 2ump for it( )ad enough all up and down the road, but 2ust outside where & happen to li!e, ;A, of course it would be, it$s 2ust li*e the great 3orth face of 0!erest( Thing$s right o!er on its side( -ou can$t get this door open at all, you$!e got to *eep it full of petrol or it shows "0mpty"( & can$t use this door, &$!e got to get out and get into this thing, you see, on the pa!ement( ,ell, & wrote to the local council about this( :ery nice about it, you *now, elections coming up and so on( )ut then, we ha!e got a 2olly decent lot of old burghers on our council( ,ouldn$t get them stic*ing up flags on the town hall, &$ll tell you that much( )ut then, our council is, of course, strictly non"political( They$re all 7onser!ati!es( They too* a bite out of the pa!ement( They didn$t do it themsel!es, of course, they sent a chap round, you see( A chap with a chain around his nec*( And there is 2ust one spot now where & can dri!e up, in a comparati!ely ordinary fashion, and get out !ery nicely, than* you( Than*s to the borough engineers( At least, & could( )ut d$you *now, e!ery day when & get bac* from my daytime wor* with the submerged log company, & find another car has par*ed in that spot( ,ould you credit it1 Always the same one, day after day, a great big horrible flashy thing with teeth( &t$s got an engine at both ends( 3e!er seen the owner, 2ust the car( & ha!e done e!erything to shift it( -ou see me1 Swann: Oooh# Flanders: & ha!e put little notes until the windscreen wipers saying, "DO 3OT 8A69 +060# -O< S+A SMA6T FO6 T+&S#"( & *eep putting orange bo/es out there, as you ha!e to, you *now " &$m fed up with oranges# & stic* pins into wa/ models of his big end( There it is, ne/t day, large as life, twice the si=e( &t$s not one of the neighbours " this chap, whoe!er he is, he comes for miles to par* his car in that spot# &$ll ne!er get hold of him, it might be anyone in ondon, it might e!en be one of you(

%8ause' Flanders: %Slowly' &f anybody here tonight is in the habit of par*ing their car in Scarsdale :illas, might & as* you " would you lea!e it up the far end1 <p by the 8embroo* Arms, gi!e it a treat1 3ot always bang outside ;A, than* you !ery much( Oh, the number of this car, &$ll ne!er forget this number as long as & li!e, &$!e sat ga=ing at it for hours on end sometimes, thin*ing of nothing else( The number is >?@"53<(

+ere$s another animal song:
A year ago, last Thursday, & was strolling in the =oo, ,hen & met a man who thought he *new the lot( +e was laying down the law about the habits of baboons, And the number of 4uills a porcupine has got( So & as*ed him, ",hat$s that creature there1" +e answered, "Oh, it$s a h"el*"( & might ha!e gone on thin*ing that was true( &f the animal in 4uestion hadn$t put that chap to shame, And remar*ed, "& h"ain$t a h"el*( &$m a g"nu"( "&$m a g"nu, &$m a g"nu, The g"nicest wor* of g"nature in the =oo( &$m a g"nu, +ow do you do1 -ou really ought to *"now w"ho$s w"ho(" "&$m a g"nu, spelt 5"3"<( &$m g"not a camel or a *angaroo( So let me introduce, &$m g"neither man or moose, Oh, g"*now, g"*now, g"*now, &$m a g"nu#" & had ta*en furnished lodgings down at 6ustington"On"Sea, ,hence & tra!elled on to Ashton"<nder" ime it was actually( And the second night & stayed there & was wa*ened from a dream, ,hich &$ll tell you all about((( some other time( Among the hunting trophies on the wall abo!e my bed, Stuffed and mounted, was a face & thought & *new( A bison1 3o, it$s not a bison( An ocapi1 &t$s unli*ely, really( 7ould it be a hartebeest1 ,hen & seemed to hear a !oice: "&$m a((( g"nu(((" "&$m a g"nu, A g"nother g"nu#

& wish & could g"nash my teeth at you( &$m a g"nu, +ow do you do1 -ou really ought to *"now w"ho$s w"ho(" "&$m a g"nu, spelt 5"3"<, 7all me $bison$ or $ocapi$ and &$ll sue( 5"nor am & in the least, i*e that dreadful hartebeest, Oh, g"no, g"no, g"no((( 5"*now, g"*now, g"*now, &$m a g"nu((( 5"*now, g"*now, g"*now, &$m a g"nu# % ong applause' That$s !ery g"nice of you(

Design for i!ing
Flanders: Flanders: Swann: )oth: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: )oth: 3ow this song, "Design for i!ing": ,hen we started ma*ing money, ,hen we started ma*ing friends, ,e found a home as soon as we were able to( ,e bought this bi2ou residence for about a thousand more, Than the house our little house was once the stable to( ,ith charm((( 7olour !alues((( ,it((( And structural alteration, 3ow designed for graceful li!ing, &t has 4uite a reputation( ,e$re terribly +ouse and 5arden, At number se!en")( ,e li!e in a most amusing muse, 0!er so !ery contemporary( ,e$re terribly +ouse and 5arden, The money that one spends( To ma*e a place that won$t disgrace, Our +ouse and 5arden friends( Swann: Flanders: )oth: ,e$!e planned an uninhibited interior decor, 7urtains made of straw((( ,e$!e wallpapered the floor((( ,e don$t *now if we li*e it, but at least we can be sure,

There$s no place li*e +ome Sweet +ome( &t$s fearfully Maison Aardin, At number se!en")( ,e$!e redisco!ered the chandelier, Tres tres !ery contemporary( ,e$re terribly +ouse and 5arden, 3ow at last we$!e got the chance( The garden$s full of furniture((( And the house is full of plants# &t doesn$t ma*e for comfort, )ut it simply has to be( $7ause we$re e!er so terribly up"to"date, 7ontemp"or"ar"or"y# +a!e you a home that cries out to your e!ery !isitor, "+ere li!es someone who is e/citing to *now"1 3o1 ,ell, why not((( collect those little metal bottle"tops, and nail them upside"down to the floor1 This will gi!e the sensation((( of wal*ing((( on little metal bottle"tops turned upside"down( ,hy not((( get hold of an ordinary 3orthumbrian spo*esha!er$s coracle1 8aint it in contrasting stripes of, say, telephone blac* and white white, and hang it up in the hall for a guitar tidy for parties( ,hy not((( drop in one e!ening for a mess of pottage1 Our speciality, 2ust aubergine and carnation petals( ,ith a si/"shilling bottle of Mielle du 8ap, a feast fit for a *ing( &$m delirious about our new coo*er fitment with the eye"le!el grille( This means that without my ha!ing to bend down, the hot fat can s4uirt straight into my eyes# )oth: ,e$re frightfully +ouse and 5arden, At number se!en"), The walls are patterned with shrun*en heads, 0!er so !ery contemporary( Our boudoir on the open plan has been a huge success((( Though e!erywhere$s so open, there$s nowhere safe to dress# ,ith little screens, and bottle lamps, And motifs here and there( Mobiles in the air((( &!y e!erywhere# -ou mustn$t be surprised to meet a cactus on the stair, )ut we call it +ome Sweet +ome( ,e$re terribly +ouse and 5arden,

Swann: Flanders: )oth:

Flanders:

Swann: Flanders: )oth: Swann: Flanders: )oth:

As & thin* we$!e said before( )ut though se!en") is madly gay, &t wouldn$t do for e!ery day, ,e actually li!e in se!en"A, &n the house ne/t door#

Songs for Our Time
Donald and & ha!e made 4uite a study of popular music o!er the ne/t few years, and we$!e noticed that songs that include foreign phrases are nearly always hits( -ou thin*, there ha!e been hundreds of them( There was ":olare", ".ue sera, sera", and further bac* "Auf ,iedersehen My Dear"((( what was the other one1 "Arri!ederci"((( "Arri!ederci, Darling, is my Ad!ice to -ou"( All these, and many more ha!e become hits( 3ow, we$d !ery much li*e to write a hit, wouldn$t we1 Ooh, yes# -ou *now, we$!e got to thin* of our old age and so on( And we$d li*e to write a song of this *ind too, but when we loo*ed into it we found so many of these phrases ha!e been used( )ut & thin* we$!e managed to find one that hasn$t( And here, in our bid for the hit parade, is the song we$!e built round it: Oh, it$s hard to say((( "Oly"ma"*itty"luca"chi"chi"chi" )ut in Tonga, that means((( "3o"# &f & e!er ha!e the money, $Tis to Tonga & shall go( For each lo!ely Tongan maiden there, ,ill gladly ma*e a date( And by the time she$s said: "Oly"ma"*itty"luca"chi"chi"chi", &t is usually too late# 3o, & don$t thin* so really, do you1 3o, & thin* it$s probably !ery much easier, if you want to write a hit, 2ust to stic* to the old "Moon in Aune"( ,e tried that, too " we tried our own !ariation on that highly unoriginal theme( i*e this: &t$s a satellite moon, &t$s a plagiarised tune, That duc* on the la*e$s a decoy( There$s a sodium glare, &n the purifi"ow"i"ow"i"ow"ied air, And the girl in my arms((( &s Mabel Figworthy and if she says "Oh really1" once more & shall brea* her nec*# ,e feel that in this((( in this((( in this(((

%8ause' (((time1 ,hat the world really needs most of all is not spite( ,e$!e got enough spite in the world( )ut another simple happy chorus song( ,ell, why not1 Something in which all can 2oin, for a change, something which e/presses the feelings of all the ordinary people, all o!er the world((( & thin* we$!e found such a song( &t$s called((( &t$s called((( ",+000#"8O8#"OOO+++#" This is a chorus song, please 2oin in# :ery interesting, actually, we originally thought of calling this song ",+000#"8O8#") ) ) ) )#" but we thought this sounded rather stupid( A song, we feel, !ery much for our time: Oh, when you$re feeling *ind of blue, 9ind of blu((( And you don$t *now what to do, ,hat to d((( And you$!e got a load of troubles on your mind, On your m((( &f you face them with a smile, &t will ma*e your life worthwhile, %5rumbles' And you$ll find that e!ery cloud is sil!er"lined( Sing this happy song with me, ,+000#"8O8#"OOO+++# Such a simple melody, ,+000#"8O8#"OOO+++# Once those s*ies abo!e are grey, -ou can face the world today, &f you$ll only learn to say, ,+000#"8O8#"OOO+++# All together# ,hen your life is filled with care, ,+000#"8O8#"OOO+++# -ou will hear it e!erywhere, ,+000#"8O8#"OOO+++# Though the world may wear a frown, +ere$s a way to win renown, Tell them as they strap you down, ",+000#"8O8#" and "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO++++#"

A Song of the ,eather
)oth: Aanuary brings the snow, Ma*es your feet and fingers glow( February$s ice and sleet, Free=e the toes right off your feet( ,elcome, March, with wint$ry wind, ,ould thou weren$t not so un*ind( April brings the sweet spring showers, On and on for hours and hours( Farmers fear un*indly May, Frost by night and hail by day( Aune 2ust rains and ne!er stops, Thirty days and spoils the crops( Flanders: Swann: )oth: &n Auly the sun is hot, &s it shining1 3o it$s not# August, cold and dan* and wet, )rings more rain than any yet( )lea* September$s mist and mud, &s enough to chill the blood( Then October adds a gale, ,ind and slush and rain and hail( Dar* 3o!ember brings the fog, Should not do it to a dog( )oth: )oth: Free=ing wet December, then((( )loody Aanuary again# %Aanuary brings the snow', %Ma*es your feet and fingers glow#'

The 6eluctant 7annibal
Flanders: A song which we call, "The 6eluctant 7annibal":

Seated one day at the tom"tom, & heard a welcome shout from the *itchen: "7OM0 A3D 500000000000T &T#" 6oast leg of insurance salesman# A chorus of "yum"s ran round the table: %-um yum yum yum yum yum yum(((' 0/cept for Aunior, who pushed away his shell, 5ot up from his log, and said: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: )oth: Flanders: "& don$t want any part of it#" ,hat1 ,hy not1 & don$t eat people( +ey1 & won$t eat people( +uh1 & don$t eat people( & must be going deaf# 0ating people is wrong( &t$s wrong1 Don$t eat people( +a!e you gone clean out of your mind1 & won$t eat people( ,hat$s the matter with the lad1 Don$t eat people( +e *eeps on repeating( 0ating people is bad( )ut people ha!e always eaten people, ,hat else is there to eat1 &f the Au2u had meant us not to eat people, +e wouldn$t ha!e made us of meat# Don$t eat people( Oh no, not again( & won$t eat people( All the day long( Don$t eat people( +e *eeps on repeating( 0ating people is wrong(

Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: )oth: Flanders: )oth:

Flanders: ,ell((( &((( & ne!er heard a more ridiculous idea in all my born days( To thin* that a son of mine should grow up to be a sissy " me, chief assistant to the assistant chief# & suppose you realise, son, if this was to get around, we might ne!er get self"5o!ernment( Swann: & won$t eat people# Flanders: +a!e you been tal*ing to one of your mothers again1 -ou$re not getting to be one of these cran*s who thin* that eating people is cruel, are you1 Seeing the man sitting in the pot and

you thin* he$s suffering( Oh, it$s not li*e that at all( ,hy, he$s 2ust had an in!igourating chase through the forest, sitting there in the nice warm water with all the carrots and dumplings and things, he$s thin*ing, "Oh, the pleasure and happiness &$m going to gi!e to a heap of people"( That man in the pot there, he en2oys it# Swann: 0ating people is wrong# Flanders: oo* son, son, & admire your sincerity( Always be sincere((( whether you mean it or not( )ut you$re young, you$re young, when you$re young you thin* you can change the whole world o!ernight, e!en eating people " & *now, &$!e been young myself( Ta*e it from your old Dad, you$!e 2ust got to learnt to ta*e the world as it is( Swann: & won$t let another man pass my lips# Flanders: & *now why you say "Don$t eat people", because you are a coward, Francis, that$s your trouble( -es, a yellow"li!ered coward( -ou wouldn$t mind eating people if you weren$t afraid of ending up in the pot yourself " how despicable# &f you go on li*e this you$re liable to get M0 into hot water( Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Flanders: & won$t eat people( That$s enough# & don$t eat people( & don$t want to((( 0ating people is wrong# 7ommunist# 5oing around saying "Don$t eat people", That$s the way to ma*e people hate$ya( ,e always ha!e eaten people, always will eat people, -ou can$t change human nature( 3ow let$s try((( & won$t eat people, & don$t eat people, & won$t eat people, & don$t eat people# Must ha!e been someone he ate# 0ating people is out#

Flanders: Swann:

Flanders: Swann:

Flanders: & gi!e up, & gi!e up, you used to be a regular anthrophagi( &f this cra=y idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, & 2ust dunno where we would all be( Aust about ruin our entire internal economy( Fortunately, & suppose it$s catching on isn$t really !ery li*ely " why, you might 2ust as well going around saying "Don$t fight people", for e/ample((( Swann: Don$t fight people1 +a, ha# Don$t fight people1# +a ha ha# Flanders: There, imagine1 There, you see# All part of the same((( )oth: %laughing' ((( fantastical impossibility# Flanders: That$s the boy# )oth: 6&D&7< O<S#

Misalliance
Flanders: This may seem a rather strange sub2ect for a song, but we ha!e written what is perhaps a rather strange song( Anyway, it$s called "Misalliance"(

)oth:

The fragrant honeysuc*le spirals cloc*wise to the sun, And many other creepers do the same( )ut some climb anti"cloc*wise, the bindweed does, for one, Or 7on!ol!ulus, to gi!e her proper name( 6ooted on either side a door, one of each species grew, And raced towards the window"ledge abo!e( 0ach cor*screwed to the lintel in the only way it *new, ,here they stopped, touched tendrils, smiled, and fell in lo!e( Said the right"handed honeysuc*le to the left"handed bindweed, "Oh, let us get married, if our parents don$t mind, we$d )e lo!ing and inseparable, ine/tricably entwined, we$d i!e happily e!er after" said the honeysuc*le to the bindweed( To the honeysuc*le$s parents it came as a shoc*( "The bindweeds," they cried, "are inferior stoc*# They$re unculti!ated, of breeding bereft, ,e twine to the right and they twine to the left(" Said the anti"cloc*wise bindweed to the cloc*wise honeysuc*le, ",e$d better start sa!ing, many a mic*le mac*s a muc*le, Then run away for a honeymoon and hope that our luc*$ll Ta*e a turn for the better" said the bindweed to the honeysuc*le( A bee who was passing remar*ed to them then, "&$!e said it before and &$ll say it again, 7onsider your offshoots, if offshoots there be, They$ll ne!er recei!e any blessing from me"( "8oor little suc*er, how will it learn, ,hen it is climbing, which way to turn1 6ight, left, what a disgrace, Or it may go straight up and fall flat on its face#" Said the right"hand"thread honeysuc*le to the left"hand"thread bindweed, "&t seems they$re against us, all fate has combined( Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling 7olombine, Thou art lost and gone fore!er, we shall ne!er intertwine"( Together, they found them, the !ery ne/t day, They had pulled up their roots and 2ust shri!elled away( Depri!ed of that freedom for which we must fight, To !eer to the left or to !eer to the right#

Madeira M$Dear
Flanders: & would li*e to sing for you now a little 0dwardian %or 0dwaudian' song( 5i!e me a chance to wear my present, my little 0dwardian hat %or haut'( ast year & was gi!en a decanter for my birthday " beautiful thing, cut"glass, came from 8ortobello 6d " in which & *eep Madeira, the wine of which & am e/tremely fond( 3ot to e/cess, of course( That decanter and this hat ga!e us the idea for this little 0dwardian song( Flanders: She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was nice, She was fair, she was sweet se!enteen( +e was old, he was !ile, and no stranger to !ice, +e was base, he was bad, he was mean( +e had slyly in!eigled her up to his flat, To !iew his collection of stamps( And he said as he hastened to put out the cat, The wine, his cigar and the lamps: "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear, -ou really ha!e nothing to fear( &$m not trying to tempt you, that wouldn$t be right, -ou shouldn$t drin* spirits at this time of night(" "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear, &t$s a"!ery much nicer than beer( & don$t care for sherry, one cannot drin* stout, And port is a wine & can well do without, &t$s simply a case of $chacun � son go�t$, +a!e some Madeira, m$dear#" <naware of the wiles of the sna*e in the grass, Of the fate of the maiden who topes( She lowered her standards by raising her glass, +er courage, her eyes, and his hopes( She sipped it, she dran* it, she drained it, she did, +e 4uietly refilled it again( And he said as he secretly car!ed one more notch, On the butt of his gold"handled cane: "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear, &$!e got a small cas* of it here( And once it$s been opened, you *now it won$t *eep, Do finish it up, it will help you to sleep(" "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear, &t$s a"really an e/cellent year( 3ow, if it were gin, you$d be wrong to say $yes$, The e!il gin does would be hard to assess,

%)esides, it$s inclined to affect me prowess', +a!e some Madeira, m$dear#" Then there flashed through her mind what her mother had said, ,ith her antepenultimate breath: "Oh my child, should you loo* on the wine that is red, )e prepared for a fate worse than death#" Swann: Flanders: She let go her glass with a shrill little cry, %Ow' 7rash# Tin*le# &t fell to the floor( ,hen he as*ed, ",hat in hea!en1", she made no reply, <p her mind, and a dash for the door( "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear(((", 6ang out down the street, loud and clear( A tremulous cry that was filled with despair, As she paused to ta*e breath in the cool midnight air( "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear(((", The words seemed to ring in her ear( <ntil the ne/t morning, she wo*e up in bed, ,ith a smile on her lips, and an ache in her head((( And a beard in her earhole that tic*led and said: "+a!e some Madeira, m$dear# +a ha ha((("

Too Many 7oo*ers
Flanders: )oth: Too many coo*ers: ,hen we had an old"fashioned *itchen, 7oo*ing was a slow but easy"going 2ob( A place to tal*, a place to sit and stich in, ,hile we *ept half an eye on the *ettle on the hob( 7oo*s went the way of the dinosaur, ,e struggled on alone( Then science pro!ided the answer, Freed the )ritish housewife, 5a!e her a life of her own( A *itchen on the modern plan may be a fancy loo*er, )ut we$!e 2umped out of the frying pan into the pressure coo*er( ,e ha!e e!ery sort of gadget now for e!ery sort of chore, )ut it$s much more wor* and worry than it e!er was before( There are cables on the tables with plugs of e!ery shape,

And what we sa!e on elbow grease we spend on insulating tape( The fridge is 4uite prodigious at refridgerating grub, )ut e!ery forty minutes it goes )<)")<)")<)")<)")<)")<)")<)# ,e$re confused by all the fuses, the o!en changes gear, &t$s ne!er a coo*, you really need a consulting engineer( Flanders: )oth: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: )oth: There$s a pinger on the ringer, we can$t hear each other spea*, That thing on the shelf$s been whipping itself for the best part of a wee*# The pilot light is win*ing, we can$t locate the switch, ,e$!e e!ery sort of gadget but we don$t *now which is which( ,ith our new pneumatic icer((( Self"actuator dicer((( The ideal"for"coo*ing ricer((( And hard"boiled duc* egg slicer((( ,ith the uni!ersal grater((( And a patent dessicator((( The !ibrating dehydrator((( And a plastic percolator((( The electric coffee grinder((( The serrated bacon rinder((( The e/pungable reminder((( And the !ermicelli winder((( Oh, we$!e e!ery sort of gadget, And it$s rather hard to thin*( ,e still can$t open sardine cans, And we still stop up the sin*( ,e don$t want a labour"sa!ing *itchen, ,e much prefer the one we had before( ,hy did science ha!e to pitch in to our nice old"fashioned *itchen1 8lease don$t sa!e us labour any more#

The -outh of the +eart

,hen & was a young man, & hadn$t a penny, ",hen shall we marry1", my Molly would say( )ut & was a wise man and said to my darling, " o!e that is true lo!e will not fade away"( Oh, the young of the heart, And the dew in the mornin$( -ou wa*e, and they$!e left you, ,ithout any warnin$( & went to America loo*ing for money, & wor*ed all the day and & slept all alone( The sweet sil!er dollars & sa!ed for my darling, To clothe her in satin and ma*e her my own( Oh, the young of the heart, And the dew in the mornin$( -ou wa*e, and they$!e left you, ,ithout any warnin$( & came bac* to &reland, my poc*ets a"2ingle, And the wedding bells rang as & came down the street( "Oh, where is the colleen &$!e come bac* to marry1", & as*ed the first neighbour & happened to meet( Oh, the young of the heart, And the dew in the mornin$( -ou wa*e, and they$!e left you, ,ithout any warnin$(

"-our lo!e has grown weary of *eeping her *isses, And learning a song that will ne!er be sung( This morning, your Molly has married another, A penniless man with a heart that is young"( Oh, the young of the heart, And the dew in the mornin$( -ou wa*e, and they$!e left you, ,ithout any warnin$( So all you young lo!ers all ready to marry, 6emember my story and mind what & say( For & was a wise man, and now & am sorry, The wisdom of winter is madness in May( Oh, the young of the heart, And the dew in the mornin$( -ou wa*e, and they$!e left you, ,ithout any warnin$(

The +ippopotamus Song
Flanders: The !ery first of the animal songs( Some people thin* the title of this song is irrele!ant( )ut it$s not irrelephant, it$s a hippopotamus# )oth: A bold hippopotamus was standing one day, On the ban*s of the cool Shalimar( +e ga=ed at the bottom"as it peacefully lay, )y the light of the e!ening star( Away on a hilltop sat combing her hair, +is fair hippopotami maid( The hippopotamus was no ignoramus, And sang her this sweet serenade: Mud, mud, glorious mud,

3othing 4uite li*e it for cooling the blood( So follow me, follow, Down to the hollow, And there let us wallow in glorious mud( The fair hippopotama he aimed to entice, From her seat on that hilltop abo!e( As she hadn$t got"a"ma to gi!e her ad!ice, 7ame tip"toeing down to her lo!e( i*e thunder the forest re"echoed the sound, Of the song that they sang as they met( +is inamorata ad2usted her garter, And lifted her !oice in duet: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: Swann: Flanders: )oth: &n 6ussian# %Sings a line of the chorus in 6ussian' %Sings a line of the chorus in 6ussian' %Sings a line of the chorus in 6ussian' Follow me, follow# %Sings a line of the chorus in 6ussian' Down to the hollow# %Sings a line of the chorus in 6ussian' That will impro!e our cultural relations# 3ow more hippopotami began to con!ene, On the ban*s of that ri!er so wide( & wonder, now, what"am"& to say of the scene, That ensued by the Shalimar side1 They di!ed all at once with an ear"splitting splosh, Then rose to the surface again( A regular army of hippopotarmy, All singing this haunting refrain: Flanders: 0!eryone: Flanders: 0!eryone: Flanders: 0!eryone: %To audience' That$s you# Mud, mud, glorious mud, 3othing 4uite li*e it for cooling the blood( So follow me, follow, Oh, that$s lo!ely# Down to the hollow, )eautiful# And there let us wallow in glorious mud#

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