Funny Quotes

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funny quotes, sayings, useful maxims
funny quotes, motivational maxims, principles and rules, for training, writing, speeches, love and work - inspirational quotes are now here
"uotes for training, personal development, and inspiration. "uotes provide helpful references and inspirational examples for business and life. #hese !uotes below here are mainly funny as well as inspirational and motivational. $ow moved to its own page, see the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational !uotes for leadership, training, personal visuali%ation, etc. &elow remain some other famous !uotes, funny maxims and sayings, also love !uotes for writing and speeches, fun and amusement. 'ere are training cliches, maxims and sayings. (any of the !uotations here are good training aids. "uotes help convey complex issues, and can be very memorable and attitude-changing. Some !uotes are deep and meaningful) others deeply amusing, like the alleged !uotes from letters to the council.

*hile sources are checked and clarified wherever possible, authenticity for all !uotes cannot be guaranteed - these !uotes are not meant to be a historical archive, they're here because they are motivational, inspirational, amusing or otherwise helpful for teachers, learners, leaders and communicators. +f you know the source of any of the unattributed !uotes or sayings here please let me know so that acknowledgement can be given. +nspirational !uotes for leadership and personal development are now here. See also the amusing real funny insurance claims, real funny *eakest ,ink answers, real funny -amily -ortunes answers, and stories and metaphors for training and learning. +ncluded in this !uotes page are several principles and 'laws' which are helpful in business, management, teaching and training, for example. / / / / / / #he 0eter 0rinciple 0arkinson's ,aw #he 0areto 0rinciple 10areto's ,aw, or the 23/43 5ule6 #he 7st ,aw of 8ybernetics 1the ,aw of 5e!uisite 9ariety6 :lass 'alf--ull or 'alf-;mpty 1have your say..6 :enerations <, =, &aby &oomers, etc

See the 1now moved6 collection of more serious inspirational and motivational !uotes. 0lease note that where !uotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory. Send your favourite !uote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors.

is the glass half full or half empty?..
#his particular item is growing. +f you can extend the debate as to whether the glass is half-full, half-empty, in some other state, or in a different space/time continuum altogether, please send me your contribution. #he world needs to know. #he optimist says the glass is half full. #he pessimist says the glass is half empty. #he pro>ect manager/engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. #he realist says the glass contains half the re!uired amount of li!uid for it to overflow. ?nd the cynic... wonders who drank the other half. #he school teacher says it's not about whether the glass is half empty or half full, it's whether there is something in the glass at all. ?nyway... ?ttitude is not about whether the glass is half full or half empty, it's about who is paying for the next round. #he professional trainer does not care if the glass is half full or half empty, he >ust knows that starting the discussion will give him ten minutes to figure out why his powerpoint presentation is not working. #he ground-down mother of a persistently demanding five-year-old says sweetheart it's

whatever you want it to be, >ust please let mummy have five minutes peace and !uiet. #he consultant says let's examine the !uestion, prepare a strategy for an answer, and all for a daily rate of... #he in!uisitive troublemaker wants to know what's in the glass anyhow... and wants the rest of it. #he homebuilder sees the dirty glass, washes and dries it, then puts it away in a custom oak and etched glass cabinet that he built himself using only hand tools. #he worrier frets that the remaining half will evaporate by next morning. #he fanatic thinks the glass is completely full, even though it isn't. #he entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued by half its potential. #he computer specialist says that next year the glass capacity will double, be half the price, but cost you @3A more for me to give you the answer. #he engineer says 1when the half is tainted6 he's glad he put the other half in a redundant glass. 1&ased on a Bilbert cartoon by Scott ?dams6 #he computer programmer says the glass is full-empty. #he &uddhist says don't worry, remember the glass is already broken. #he logician says that where the glass is in process of being filled then it is half full) where it is in the process of being emptied then it is half empty) and where its status in terms of being filled or emptied is unknown then the glass is one in which a boundary between li!uid and gas lies exactly midway between the inside bottom and the upper rim, assuming that the glass has parallel sides and rests on a level surface, and where it does not then the li!uid/gas boundary lies exactly midway between the upper and lower e!ual halves of the available total volume of said glass. #he scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass) fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark) add the original content back in) if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full) if it doesn't reach the top, the glass was more than half empty) if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. $ow what was the !uestion againC #he Butchman would suggest to both pay for the glass and share the content. #hen tells you he will have the bottom half. #he personal coach knows that the glass goes from full to empty depending on the circumstances, and reminds the drinker that he can always fill the glass when he wishes. #he grammarian says that while the terms half-full and half-empty are collo!uially acceptable the glass can technically be neither since both full and empty are absolute states and therefore are incapable of being halved or modified in any way. #he auditor first checks whether the empty half is material and then designs the audit procedures to obtain sufficient evidence to conclude that the glass is indeed empty. #hanks to the following contributors. 0hil Beer 1realist and cynic lines6, 8atherine #rafford 1school teacher line6, Dane &enad 1'next round'6, 5obert *ishin 1professional trainer6, (' 1ground-down mother6, &ob ,angley 1consultant6, ,ance and ,ee 1troublemaker and homebuilder6, 8indy &acon 1worrier6, Ban Spira 1fanatic and entrepreneur6, Dohn 8ooper 1computer specialist6, 8raig (arriott 1engineer6, (arkos ,emma 1computer programmer6, ?ndrew 8urwen 1&uddhist6, D 8rawshaw 1logician6, D 8rothers 1scientist6, ' &as ten &rinke 1Butchman6, 5 Stalenberg 1personal coach6, Dames 1grammarian6, E (ammadov 1auditor6. =our collective creative genius is greatly

appreciated. + welcome further additions. 0lease send them.6

softly softly catchee monkey
#he saying FSoftly softly, catchee monkey,F 1alternatively FSoftly softly, catchee monkeeF6 refers to situations where achieving success re!uires a patient, careful and !uiet strategy. #he phrase is pidgin ;nglish from the late 7233s or earlier, either a genuine part of language among native people of a developing region, or a phrase used in pidgin style by &ritish people working overseas. Sources such as 0artridge and 5ees indicate that the saying originated in ?frica or elsewhere among black people. ,ogically it would also have to have been in a part of the world where monkeys were hunted. =ou might see references to ,ord &aden-0owell 172@G-7HI76, founder of the &oy Scout movement and a military leader in ?frica and +ndia, having used the phrase, but he did not coin it, if indeed he actually used it. #he saying is now used in shortened form FSoftly softly,F meaning the same as the full version, popularised mainly by the 7HJ3s KL #9 crime detective series of that name, which apparently 15ees says6 was inspired by the 'Softly Softly' motto of the ,ancashire 8onstabulary #raining School. -or an amusing comparison and similar analogy about planning and implementing tasks which re!uire care and patience, see the #wo &ulls Story.

funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child upport !gency (C !) forms
#hese comments 1allegedly6 were provided by mothers on 8S? forms in response to the 8S? re!uest for details of children's fathers. ?side from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these !uotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy. F..+ don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. 'e drives a &(* that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. 0erhaps you can contact the &(* dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced..F F..+ have never had sex with a man. + am waiting for a letter from the 0ope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is 8hrist risen again..F F..M<<<N is the father of child ?. +f you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my ?8/B8 8B'sC..F F..+ don't know the name of my child's father as all s!uaddies look the same to me, although + can confirm he was a 5oyal :reen Dacket..F F..+ thought it was M<<<N because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child ?, but since discovering he is gay + am not so sure..F F..5egarding the identity of the father of my twins, child ? was fathered by M<<<N. + am

unsure about child & but + believe he was conceived on the same night..F F..+t's difficult to remember because + was drunk on holiday in #enerife, which was months before + got properly pregnant..F F..+ do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on MdateN at MvenueN where + had unprotected sex with a man + met that night. + do remember that the sex was so good + fainted. +f you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone numberC #hanks..F F..+ remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but + never kept the documentation +'m afraid..F F..+ cannot tell you the name of child ?'s father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the &ritish economy. + am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. 0lease advise..F F..-rom the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at ;uroBisney. (aybe it really is the (agic Lingdom..F F..5egarding the identity of child ?'s father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when -ather 8hristmas came down the chimney..F F..+ do not know the identity of my baby's father. ?fter all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart..F F..#hat night is a blur. #he only thing + remember was watching a Belia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. +f + had stayed in and watched more #9 rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised..F F..'e gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. 'e was a builder and a bit stupid so + thought yes that sounds about right..F 1-rom various sources. +f you have other !uotes like these please send them.6

quotes - chinese wisdom
1#ranslations have been adapted for the modern age where appropriate.6 F*hen + let go of what + am, + become what + might be.F 1attributed to ,ao #su, aka ,ao Ei, legendary 8hinese #aoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between J33-I33&86 F#here is no greater happiness than freedom from worry, and there is no greater wealth than contentment.F 1attributed to ,ao #su, aka ,ao Ei, legendary 8hinese #aoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between J33-I33&86 F0eople's tendency towards good is as water's tendency is to flow downhill.F 1(encius, 8hinese philosopher, c.O33&86 F;at less, taste more.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F-ailure lies not in falling down. -ailure lies in not getting up.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F#he higher my rank, the more humbly + behave. #he greater my power, the less +

exercise it. #he richer my wealth, the more + give away. #hus + avoid, respectively, envy and spite and misery.F 1Sun Shu ?o, 8hinese minister from the 8hu Lingdom, Ehou Bynasty, c.J33&86 FSuccess under a good leader is the people's success.F 1attributed to ,ao #su, aka ,ao Ei, legendary 8hinese #aoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between J33-I33&86 FBo not worry if others do not understand you. +nstead worry if you do not understand others.F 18onfucius, 8hinese philosopher, @@7-IGH &86 FSoftness overcomes hardness.F 1Euo "iuming, court writer of the State of ,u, and contemporary of 8onfucius, c.@33&86 F#he greatest capability of superior people is that of helping other people to be virtuous.F 1(encius, 8hinese philosopher, c.O33&86 F? great man is hard on himself) a small man is hard on others.F 18onfucius, 8hinese philosopher, @@7-IGH &86 F-ailure is the mother of success.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F+t is not wise for a blind man, riding a blind horse, to approach the edge of a deep pond.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F+ hear and + forget. + see and + remember. + do and + understand.F 1attributed to 8onfucius, 8hinese philosopher, @@7-IGH &8, however the origins of this !uote are arguably from the writing of the 8hinese scholar <un%i, OI3-4I@ &8, for which clearer evidence seems to exist. #he origin of the !uote attributed to 8onfucius is not certain. #he <un%i !uote - which is more subtle and complex, and literally translates as. F$ot hearing is not as good as hearing, hearing is not as good as seeing, seeing is not as good as mentally knowing, mentally knowing is not as good as acting) true learning continues up to the point that action comes forth Mor, only when a thing produces action can it be said to have been truly learnedNF - can be traced to an original work, but it seems the 8onfucius version cannot. +t is possible that the *estern world simplified and attributed the !uote to 8onfucius, being a popularly !uoted source of 8hinese wisdom. #hanks L &ennett.6 F'e who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask is a fool for ever.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F*ith a strong heart and a ready mind what have + to fearCF 18hu =uan, aka "u =uan, 8hinese politician-turned-poet, c.O33&8 - 8hina's first great poet and considered the father of 8hinese poetry, his death by drowning in 4G2&8 is celebrated every year on the Bay of Bragon &oat -estival6 F'alf an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one.F 1traditional 8hinese proverb6 F#he wise man puts himself last and finds himself first.F 1attributed to ,ao #su, aka ,ao Ei, legendary 8hinese #aoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between J33-I33&86 F'e knows most who says he knows least.F 18onfucius, 8hinese philosopher, @@7-IGH &86

funny newspaper headlines
8ouple slain) police suspect homicide Lids make nutritious snacks 8ounty to pay P4@3,333 to advertise lack of funds Ktah 0oison 8enter reminds everyone not to take poison -ederal agents raid gun shop, find weapons 8rack found in man's buttocks 0resident wins budget) more lies ahead ,ocal high school dropouts cut in half #yphoon rips through cemetery - hundreds dead (an struck by lightning faces battery charge $ew study of obesity looks for larger test group Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 4@ #iger *oods plays with own balls, $ike Says Qne-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers -ish need water, -ed says ?stronaut takes blame for gas in space ?lton attorney accidentally sues himself 0lane too close to ground, crash probe told (iners refuse to work after death Duvenile court to try shooting defendant Stolen painting found by tree #wo sisters reunited after 72 years in checkout *ar dims hope for peace +f strike isn't settled !uickly, it may last a while (an in diaper directs traffic 7G remain dead in morgue shooting spree 8oach fire - passengers safely alight :randmother of eight makes a hole in one Something went wrong in >et crash, experts say 0olice begin campaign to run down Daywalkers Brunks get nine months in violin case ;astern head seeks arms 0rostitutes appeal to religious ,eader

-ailed panda mating - veterinarian takes over &ritish left waffles on -alkland +slands #eacher strikes idle kids 1#hanks S 5olph, # (artinek, & 'eyn for contributions6

cleverest funny headline that never was?..
*as this ever a real newspaper headline or seasonal tip for birdwatchersC F:et your lard out for the tits.F 1#hanks 5 *ard6

rock the tandoor
#here is no point at all to this collection other than it's funny. *ell + think it is.. $ew suggestions welcome, especially some names from more recent times. / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / :obi *est (adrasness &indi ,auper 0apadam and the ?nts Siouxsie and the &ha>ees Stiff ,ittle ,adies -ingers 5aita 8oolidge 5aita Said -red #ikka #hat Dalfrai%ee goes to &ollywood ;merson ,ake and 0ilau 0at &hunatar 8hapati ,abelle Sisters of (ethi ?loo 5olls 18omperes. Qkra *infrey, Steve 5aita and &huna &rooks6

*ith acknowledgements to the Secret 8urry Society.

smile (charlie chaplin story)
#he words to the song 'Smile' are one of the great anthems for personal inspiration and

belief. #he music for Smile was written by 8harlie 8haplin for his landmark film, (odern #imes, released in 7HOJ, although Smile's lyrics were actually added by Dohn #urner and :eoffrey 0arsons in 7H@I, in which year $at Ling 8ole had the commercial success with the Smile song. 0erhaps understandably the owners of the copyright for the words and music of the Smile song, &ourne 8ompany of $ew =ork, refused me permission to publish the full lyrics and the music, although plenty of other websites seem to have the whole thing for free if you care to look for it 1strangely it seems easier to get it for free than to buy it6. #here is actually a second verse which talks about lighting up your face with gladness, the need to keep on trying, and that life is still worthwhile. ?nd for the musicians among you, you could try playing around with ?, ?ma>G, -Rm, B/-Rbass, &m, -R, &m, Bm, ?, -Rm, &m, ;susI, ;, and ?, which is based on an interpretation by ;ric 8lapton 1another story of triumph over adversity..6. Smile tho' your heart is aching, Smile even tho' it's breaking, *hen there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. +f you smile thro' your fear and sorrow, Smile and maybe tomorrow, =ou'll see the sun come shining through) for you. ?lthough 8harlie 8haplin didn't write the lyrics to Smile, the words resonate strongly with 8haplin's inspirational life of challenge, tragedy, success, and ultimately global appreciation, which owed much to his difficult early character-forming years. #he Smile lyrics, and 8haplin's life story, each provide in their own way a lesson for anyone seeking inspiration and personal fulfilment. 8haplin was born in *alworth, South ,ondon on 7J ?pril, 722H. 'is mother and father were stage performers, but were also tragic people, divorcing when 8harlie was young. ?s a child 8haplin descended to the workhouse orphanage because his parents were unable to look after him. #hroughout his life 8harlie 8haplin struggled with challenges, some of his own making, while he strived and became one of the most successful achievers - in creative and financial terms - of the 43th century. ?t one time exiled and re>ected by the KS? for his political views, 8haplin was awarded the *orld 0eace 0ri%e in 7H@I, eventually welcomed back to ?merica to receive an ?cademy ,ifetime ?chievement ?ward in 7HG4, and was knighted in 7HG@. 8harlie 8haplin died on 8hristmas Bay, 7HGG. #he words and music of Smile and 8haplin's wonderful films help to demonstrate that the power of personal belief, and a positive approach to life, can enable people to overcome all kinds of disadvantage, challenge and adversity.

the five stages of innovation
0eople deny that the innovation is re!uired. 0eople deny that the innovation is effective. 0eople deny that the innovation is important. 0eople deny that the innovation will >ustify the effort re!uired to adopt it.

0eople accept and adopt the innovation, en>oy its benefits, attribute it to people other than the innovator, and deny the existence of stages 7 to I.
S?8

433@. +nspired by ?lexander von 'umboldt's '#hree Stages Qf Scientific Biscovery', as referenced by &ill &ryson in his book, '? Short 'istory Qf $early ;verything'. $ot applicable of course to courageous early adopters of innovation everywhere. ;arly adoption of innovation might not be natural to everyone - but it is an option worth considering, especially if you have a feeling that the present situation can be improved.

funny signs, funny quotes, and graffiti from "ars, pu"lic toilets, washrooms and restrooms, etc (allegedly)
1&rits tend to say washroom or *8, which is an old abbreviation 1of water closet6 whereas ?mericans tend to say restroom or bathroom. #hat's not a funny !uote, it's purely for information and interest..6 ?dvert in a newsagents window. (assage in the Qval ?rea. 1#he Qval is an area in Lennington, S; ,ondon, boasting a tube station and the Qval 8ricket :round, around which runs the oval-shaped street called Lennington Qval. Lennington is not particularly noted for massage parlours, and the sign is perhaps an invention of comedian 0aul (erton who has !uipped about it.6 Sign on a desk. +ncontinence 'otline - 8an you hold please. 1#hanks &86 Shop window sign . 8,Q#'+$: ?,#;5?#+Q$S BQ$; ';5;. Smaller sign underneath. *?S'+$: ?,SQ #?L;$ +$. #his was next-door to a small house displaying a poster which read . '?00= O3#' &+5#'B?= :5?$B(?. 1#hanks & ,indsay6 *e aim to please, you aim too please. 1Sign above a urinal.6 ?ntidisestablishmentarianism - easier done than said. #here are 73 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't. #here are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. (an who stands on toilet, is high on pot. 5ockShit-uckBie 1:raffiti on the wall of a male washroom in a pub, and someone's idea of the meaning of life.6 -ive out of four people can't do fractions. + am neither for nor against apathy. 1Qn the wall above a urinal in a men's *8 at a university at the height of KS social unrest in the 7HJ3's.6 &eware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may >ust be the sun shining through the hole in his head. 1*omen's washroom graffiti.6 #he best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. 1:raffiti in a women's washroom.6

#o do is to be - Bescartes, #o be is to do - 9oltaire, Bo be do be do - Sinatra. F:od is deadF - $iet%sche. F$iet%sche is deadF - :od. ;xpress ,ane. -ive beers or less. 1Sign above a urinal.6 =ou're too good for him. 1Sign above a women's washroom mirror.6 $o wonder you always go home alone. 1Sign above a men's washroom mirror.6 ? woman's rule of thumb. +f it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 1Sign in a women's washroom. +n the KS tyres would be tires.6 &eauty is only a light switch away. ?t the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. +f voting could really change things it would be illegal. #emporary notice on a public bar - FQur public bar is presently not open because it is closed.F ?nd the old favourite found in :ents' toilets the world over, commonly added to any sign instructing visitors. 0lease do not throw cigarettes in the urinal... F....&ecause it makes them difficult to light...F. 1#hanks for contributions D Lincaid, 0 ,ewis, #im 5yan, #8, 8D, (L, S (afikeng, 0at, D &urland.6

sign in a gift shop window
Knattended 8hildren will be given an ;xpresso and a -ree 0uppy. 1#hanks 8&6

training and quotes and cliches, motivational maxims and funny sayings
-or trainers and speakers, here are some maxims and sayings, with one or two new ideas and twists. (any of these, although not the first collection, are mnemonics. ? mnemonic 1pronounced 'nemonic'6 is a memory aid. #he glass half full lines are now in a section of their own because they deserve to be. -05+9?#; F#=0;T0+8#)?,#Tfive bums and a F-ive bums and a rugby post.F 1*hoC *hatC *hereC *henC *hyC 'owC - a memory aid for open !uestioning.6 F#he only place where Success comes before *ork is in the dictionary.F 1?ttributed variously to Bonald ( Lendall, KS businessman and first leader of merged

0epsi-8o corporation) 9idal Sassoon, the &ritish hairdresser and businessman) and 9incent #homas '9ince' ,ombardi, KS football coach. +f you know more about the origins of this !uote please tell me - #hanks D8 &lachere6 F+f you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean.F 1? specific maxim for the retail industry, but the principle of using spare time for productive purposes is transferable to all situations - thanks D8&6 FSuccess comes in cans.F F=ou are a time millionaire - for a rich life invest wisely.F 15ichard ?ndrews, L=# Stage and Screen ?cademy6 F+t's difficult to clear the swamp when you are up to your armpits in alligators..F or F*hen you are up to your armpits in alligators it is hard to remember that your initial ob>ective was to drain the swampUF or F*hen you are up to your arse in alligators it is sometimes difficult to remember that the original ob>ective was to drain the moatUF 1Knknown original authorship - many variations - thanks for these * 8ooper and = 5undle.6 F#here is only one +- in ,+-; - between the , and the ;.F 1-or next time you say F+f only...F #hanks 5 ?ndrews6 FDacket on T directing. Dacket off T participating. #rousers off T performing.F 1? humorous dress code indicator of management working-style.6 F+f you can't ride two horses at the same time you shouldn't be in the circus.F F+f aT7A, bT4A, cT OA, etc., what does 'attitude' add up toC ........F 1*ork it out - the answer is 733A.6 F(ushroom (anagement - #he practice of keeping people in the dark, and every now and then dumping a load of dirt on them.F 1See (c:regor's <-= #heory - Bouglas (c:regor did not devise the 'mushroom management' expression, but it is distinctly #heory <.6 F*heelbarrow (anagement or *heelbarrow 8ulture - people only work when pushed, and are easily upset.F 1?s described by certain managers, who probably have only themselves to blame... again see (c:regor's <-= #heory6. F#ell'em what you're gonna tell'em, tell'em, tell'em what you told'em.F 1#raining and presentations mnemonic for effective presentation or speaking structure, in other words. introduction, content points, summary.6 F*hen you ?SSK(; you make an ?SS out of K and (e.F F#here is no + in #;?(.F 1&ut if you look carefully there is a (;...6 F$o gain without pain.F 1Qr better still, as $iet%sche might have said instead. F$o pain without gainF - see the $iet%sche !uote below.6 FBon't sell the steak, sell the si%%le.F

1Qr more fashionably today.6 FSell the crunch not the apple.F 1Qr, a maxim for selling and sales training.6 F#he buyer buys the seller not the salt.F 1?lternatively. F#he buyer buys the cellar not the salt.F6 F;veryone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation.F 1See the presentations and public speaking training materials.6 F$othing cleans a house like company coming.F 1(abel (c:rury ,ynn, 7H3J-24, homemaker, 9irginia, KS?. #he maxim, dating from the 7H23s, is a fitting reminder for staff to be well-rgani%ed at all times, and not to regard good housekeeping as something re!uired only when there's a visit from the inspectors or the corporation chief - thanks S :age, (abel ,ynn's great granddaughter.6

am"rose "ierce quotes - the devil#s dictionary
#he Bevil's Bictionary was written by ?merican ?mbrose &ierce around a hundred years ago, and was first published as '#he 8ynic's *ord &ook' in 7H3J. +t was reissued as '#he Bevil's Bictionary' in 7H77, and continues to be published today. +ts humour and irony still shine. +n fact many of its observations perhaps resonate more strongly now than when &ierce first made them. 'ere are some choice examples of &ierce's wit, and interestingly for a writer considered to be such a 'cynic', these !uotes are also examples of a touching sensitivity. #hese !uotes still serve, as when they were created, to remind us that whether a thing is a force for good or bad is largely decided by the human factor. #his is an encouraging thought, since the implication of this is that we have it in our power to change bad into good. + think &ierce would have agreed. 8orporation. ?n ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. 1+f you work for one of these be assured that there are more ethical and caring employers out there who would be more deserving of your efforts and loyalty.6 Buty. #hat which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. ;xperience. #he wisdom that enables us to recogni%e as an undesirable old ac!uaintance the folly that we have already embraced. -amous. 8onspicuously miserable. ,and. ? part of the ;arth's surface, considered as property.#he theory that land is property sub>ect to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society...... 8arried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living...... +t follows that if the whole aea of terra firma 1;arth6 is owned by ?, & and 8, then there will be no place for B, ;, - and : to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. 1'ow true, and how applicable today.6 ,ecturer. Qne with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience. (arriage. #he state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Qvereat. #o dine. 0ain. ?n uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. 0eace. +n international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

amusing puns and dou"le-meanings
#he pun 1a humourous device exploiting two words or expressions sounding the same with two different meanings, usually with two different spellings6 is one of the great wonders of the ;nglish language. -or anyone who seeks to demonstrate the confusing nature of ;nglish words and phrases, these examples of funny and clever puns will likely serve your needs. 733A reliable contraception is inconceivable. Serious campers are intense. #ime flies like an arrow) fruit flies like a banana. Sports people can avoid the pain of defeat by wearing comfortable shoes. $ut screws washers and bolts. 1'eadline following a laundrerette sex crime6 0oetry written upside-down is inverse) poetry of very few lines is universal. ? girl who screamed and shouted for a pony got a little hoarse. #he carpenter's heavy tools were uncomfortable so he got a little sore. $uns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye. #he days of the pocket diary are numbered. ,ions eat their prey fresh and roar. Qld bikes should be retired. :eometry holds clues for the meaning of life) look and you will see the sines. =ou can't beat a pickled egg. +f a leopard could cook would he ever change his potsC See one melVe of unruly people and you've seen a maul. Bo hungry time-travellers ever go back four secondsC 1#he 'fruit flies like a banana' !uote is attributed by some to :roucho (arx, although firm evidence has yet to support this - thanks + 0hipps. + can remember this from the 7HG3s. + suspect it is older, whether it was one of :roucho (arx's or not. +f anyone has any suggestions of origin for this one in particular please let me know.6

tri"al wisdom (#dead horse strategies# - updated for the $%st century)
#here seem to be various versions of this. #his is a newer angle. ?ccording to legend and the customary presentation of this item, the tribal wisdom of the Bakota +ndians, presumably passed on from generation to generation 1bear with me please..6, says that, F*hen you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.F 'owever, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as 1and updated here for the 47st century6. :iving dead horse and rider a good bollocking 1a favourite in previous centuries too6. 5e-structuring the dead horse's reward scale to contain a performance-related element 1obviously..6 Suspending the horse's access to the executive grassy meadow until it improves its attitude and makes good all productivity shortfalls. -inding a mentor or buddy for the dead horse. ;xamining the cost-savings accruing from de-skilling the dead horse function. Benying the existence of the dead horse, until the story appears in the Brudge 5eport, upon which release ready-made 05 featuring the dead horse 'in action', thus totally fooling everyone who thought the horse was dead 1but it still is of course6. 5e-aligning the organi%ational aims to better fit the needs of the dead horse. Qutsourcing the management and/or the riding of the dead horse to a specialist dead horse management company 1another firm favourite that won't go away6. &ringing in a team of expensive external consultants to focus on dead horse optimisation. 5e-branding the dead horse a '-air #rade 'orse', and affixing prominent -air #rade insignia to its hind-!uarters. Scrutinsing and challenging the dead horse's expenses claims, and leaking baseless related accusations to the media and the dead horse transparency unit. ?sking 5ichard &ranson if he'd be interested in running a 9irgin Bead 'orse >oint venture. Setting up a free-phone customer service hotline to handle complaints relating to the dead horse fiasco. 5e-designing the dead horse's shoes so that they can be made of bamboo and recycled. Setting up an in!uiry into the dead horse, preferably headed by a dead horse and answerable to other dead horses. -orming a task force to investigate the dead horse's positive benefits on social enterprise.

&laming the dead horse on the sub-prime credit crunch, thereby absolving 1and enabling the obscenely generous rewarding of6 those responsible for the decision to recruit an emaciated horse, starve it, and keep it in a fro%en field 1because the stables were sold to property developers years ago6. Knmasking the dead horse to be in illegal immigrant, therefore author of its own misfortune, and to blame for a lot more than simply being dead on the >ob. ?ppointing a top advertising agency to promote the benefits of the reduced carbon hoofprint of a dead horse compared to the ridiculously out-dated and unsustainable notion of a living horse. Qff-shoring the stabling and veterinary support of the dead horse to somewhere in the +ndian sub-continent. Sending the dead horse on an outward bound or log-carrying weekend with other dead horses. ,obbying ministers and pressure groups for the extension of ;uropean standards to encompass the special !ualities of dead horses. $ationalising the dead horse. (aking the dead horse redundant, giving it a hefty golden hoof-shake, and then retaining it as consultant at five times its previous annual cost. ?dapted from various versions. Qther suggested strategies are very welcome and will be added to the list if they are suitably original. +'m sure you have much better ideas than these. Since first publishing this item 1initially in a more traditional format6 + have been pointed towards 1thanks D #owers and : 8aswell6 a version which appears in ' *illiam 1&ill6 Bettmer's book Strategic $avigation - ? Systems ?pproach to &usiness Strategy 1?S" 0ress 433O6 ?ppendix -, Strategic *isdom 1actually Strategic F*isdomF6. &ill Bettmer's introduction to the 'Bead 'orse Strategies' indicates that he did not devise the concept, and that it had existed for 'a period of years' 1prior to 433O6. +f you know where the 'Bead 'orse Strategies' or 'Bakota #ribal *isdom' came from, or you know of its earlier usage 17HH3s or sooner perhaps6 please tell me. ;ven better, if you have an old photocopy from an office wall please send me a scan of it.

if - rudyard kipling#s inspirational poem
here ifpoemrudyardkipling.htm

quotes on thinking and the power of thought
F*isdom does not always come with age - sometimes age comes alone.F 1Qrigin unknown - if you know please tell me - thanks 8 'opper. ? helpful prespective for this !uote and the challenges of ageing positively and productively is ;rikson's ,ife-Stage #heory. 6

Qn pain and stress and approach to life. F0ain is a relatively ob>ective, physical phenomenon) suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. ;vents may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. 5esistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is... #he only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds.F 1Ban (illman, 47st century philosopher from #he *ay of the 0eaceful *arrior - ack 8&6 Qn Lnowledge - F+f you stood on the bottom rail of a bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you would suddenly know everything that there is to be known...F 1*innie the 0ooh - allegedly - #hanks 8(6 F'e trudged along unknowing what he sought, ?nd whistled as he went, for want of thought.F 1Dohn Bryden, ;nglish poet and playwright 7JO7-7G33, from 8ymon and +phigenia written in 7G336 F(en fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin - more even than death.... #hought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. #hought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. #hought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.F 1&ertrand 5ussell, &ritish philosopher, 72G4-7HG36 F:reat men are they who see that spiritual thought is stronger than any material force, that thoughts rule the world.F 15alph *aldo ;merson, ?merican philosopher and poet, 723O-24, from 0rogress of 8ulture6 F-or as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.F 1#he 'oly &ible, 0roverbs 4O.G6 F*hat is life but the angle of visionC ? man is measured by the angle at which he looks at ob>ects. *hat is life but what a man is thinking of all dayC #his is his fate and his employer. Lnowing is the measure of the man. &y how much we know, so we are.F 15alph *aldo ;merson6 F#he mind is the man, and knowledge mind) a man is but what he knoweth.F 1-rancis &acon, ;nglish lawyer and philosopher, 7@J7-7J4J6

karen walker quotes
+rony is a powerful way to emphasise a point, and these !uotes cover a wide range of sub>ects, aside from which they are all useful in illustrating extremes of attitude, bigotry and insecurity. ?n ironic representation of heartlessness, the comedy character Laren *alker was played by (egan (ullally in #9's *ill W :race. #he award-winning series was created by Bavid Lohan and (ax (utchnick, and 4H writers were involved in the 72J episodes running from 7HH2-433J, which makes it a little difficult to attribute precisely these wonderful ironic !uotes. F+t's not something you can >ust run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby...F F+t's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency...F 1#o a waiter6 F'ey apron - who told you you could make eye contactC...F F'usbands come and go but the 8hanel slingback is forever...F

F+t's 8hristmas, for goodness sake. #hink about the baby Desus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter...F FQh honey, that's >ust a saying, like 'Qoh. #hat sounds like fun.' or '+ love you'...F F+t's a cult, like the (oonies, or the homeless...F F+ know what guilt is. +t's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... =ou know, like 'maternal' or 'addiction' ...F F=ou know what else is sadC 0oor people who have dreams...F FQh yeah, honey, we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around...F Qther suggestions welcome. 0erhaps for the (aryann character in 8ybill too..

rules for a happy life
Bo not try to teach a pig to sing. +t wastes your time and annoys the pig. 1#hanks ? (envell6 ,ife is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. ,ife is simpler when you plough around the stumps. #he trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. -orgive your enemies. +t messes with their heads. 1#his is a modern adaptation of a !uote by Qscar *ilde. F?lways forgive your enemies. $othing annoys them more.F - #hanks + (ac. ?dditionally an often-mis!uoted passage from the &ible, 0roverbs chapter 4@, verses 47-44 suggests a similar notion. F+f thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat) and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink. -or thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the ,ord shall reward thee.F - #hanks , $icole. #he relevance of the &iblical !uote depends somewhat on your interpretation of whether it's vengeful or loving to heap coals of fire onto someone's head. #here are some who insist this is meant in a loving caring way. +'m not so sure. #he passage incidentally is part of the proverbs of Solomon, said in the &ible to have been copied out by the men of 'e%ekiah, the Ling of Dudah.6 Bon't corner something meaner than you. Bon't wrestle with pigs. you'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it. 1&ased on a !uote attributed to 8yrus S 8hing, 72GJ-7HJG, KS industrialist and labour-relations pioneer, F+ learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. =ou get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.F6 (ost of the stuff people worry about never happens. 10robably based on an original !uote attributed to ,eo &uscaglia. $inety per-cent of what we worry about never happens, yet we worry and worry. *hat a horrible way to go through lifeU *hat a horrible thing to do to your colonUF - #hanks *ayne6 1#hanks 8&. ?ll anon unless otherwise stated - if you know any of the authors please tell us.6 See Bon (iguel 5ui%'s #he -our ?greements, and 8herie 8arter Scott's +f ,ife +s ? :ame #hese ?re #he 5ules.

oneliner quick quotes
? &oss. Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early. 1Knknown6 +t's the kind or organisation where the lunatic fringe extends right to the centre. 1unknown - for disorgani%ed organi%ations everywhere - ack #*6 ,ead me not into temptation - + can find the way myself. 1?ck D 86 8hinese proverb $o7. (an who run in front of car get tired) man who run behind car get exhausted. 8hinese proverb $o4. (an who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to &angkok. +'m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. #ime flies like an arrow) fruit flies like a banana. &eauty is in the eyes of the beer holder. -ailure is not an option. +t comes bundled with the software. &acon and ;ggs. a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ';8L is where people go who don't believe in :QS'. ? picture is worth 7,333 words, but it uses up 7,333 times the memory. 5emember that half the people you know are below average. #he early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ? clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 'ow many of you believe in telekinesisC 5aise my hand. ;agles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into >et engines. Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name. 'e who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 1?ll anon., if you know origins please tell us. Some might be attributable to KS comedian Steven *right, in which case, my acknowledgements to him.6

funny quotes predictions (alleged)
F8omputers in the future will weigh no more than 7.@ tons.F 10opular (echanics, forecasting advance of science, 7HIH.6 F+ think there's a world market for maybe five computers.F 1#homas *atson, chairman of +&(, 7HIO.6 F+ have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people,

and + can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.F 1;ditor in charge of business books for 0rentice 'all, [email protected] F&ut what is it good forCF 1;ngineer at the ?dvanced 8omputing Systems Bivision of +&(, commenting on the micro chip, 7HJ26 F#here is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home.F 1Len Qlson, president, chairman and founder of Bigital ;!uipment 8orp, 7HGG.6 F#his 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. #he device is inherently of no value to us.F 1*estern Knion memo, 72GJ.6 F#he wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. *ho would pay for a message sent to nobody in particularCF 1Bavid Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 7H43's.6 F*ho the hell wants to hear actors talkCF 1'( *arner, *arner &ros, 7H4G.6 F? cookie store is a bad idea. &esides, the market research reports say that ?merica likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.F 15esponse to Bebbi -ields' idea of starting the (rs -ields 8ookies business.6 F*e don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.F 1Becca 5ecording 8ompany re>ecting the &eatles, 7HJ4.6 F'eavier than air flying machines are impossible.F 1,ord Lelvin, president, 5oyal Society, [email protected] F+f + had thought about it, + wouldn't have done the experiment. #he literature was full of examples that said you can't do this.F 1Spencer Silver on the work that led to the uni!ue adhesives for O( 0ost+t $otepads.6 FSo we went to ?tari and said, '*e've got this ama%ing thing, even built with some of your parts and what do you think about funding usC Qr we'll give it to you. *e >ust want to do it. 0ay our salary, we'll come work for you.' #hey said '$o'. #hen we went to 'ewlett-0ackard) they said, '*e don't need you. =ou haven't got through college yet'.F 1?pple 8omputer founder Steve Dobs on attempts to get ?tari and '0 interested in his and Steve *o%niak's personal computer.6 FBrill for oilC =ou mean drill into the ground to try and find oilC =ou're cra%y.F 1Brillers whom ;dwin , Brake tried to enlist to his pro>ect to drill for oil, [email protected] FStocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.F 1+rving -isher, ;conomics professor, =ale Kniversity, 7H4H.6 F?irplanes are interesting toys but of no military valueF. 1(arechal -erdinand -och,

0rofessor of Strategy, ;cole Superieure de :uerre.6 F;verything that can be invented has been invented.F 18harles ' Buell, 8ommissioner, KS Qffice of 0atents, 72HH.6 F,ouis 0asteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.F 10ierre 0achet, 0rofessor of 0hysiology at #oulouse, 72G4.6 F#he abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.F 1Sir Dohn ;ric ;ricksen, &ritish surgeon, appointed Surgeon ;xtraordinary to "ueen 9ictoria, 72GO.6 FJI3L ought to be enough for anybody.F 1&ill :ates of (icrosoft, 7H27.6 F-red ?staire 8an't act, can't sing, balding... 8an dance a little.F 1(:( telent scout, 7H42.6 F*hat can you do with a guy with ears like thatCF 1Dack *arner, movie mogul, re>ecting 8lark :able, 7HO3.6 F=ou ain't goin' nowhere son. =ou ought to go back to drivin' a truck.F 1Dim Benny of the :rand Qle Qpry, $ashville, firing ;lvis 0resley after his first performance.6 F+'m sorry (r Lipling, but you don't know how to use the ;nglish language.F 1;ditor of the San -rancisco ;xaminer, re>ecting a short story from author and poet 5udyard Lipling.6 ?nd finally there is the story, seemingly based mostly on truth, that -red Smith, the founder of the multi-billion-dollar -ed;x carrier corporation, originally proposed the -ed;x concept in a college examination paper - for which we was awarded a 8 grade. Smith has broadly confirmed this story in later interviews, albeit with a little uncertainty as to how specifically he presented the -ed;x model, and precisely how the examiner expressed his indifference. +t's a good story nevertheless, and helps confirm not only that great oaks grow from tiny acorns, but also how difficult it is to recogni%e a particularly good acorn before it's grown. 1*ith thanks to #ony *ills for his contributions, and also to Dim S for suggesting the -ed-;x item.6

this "e the verse (%&'() "y philip larkin, english poet (%&$$-)*)
,arkin's words are a bitterly incisive comment on the negative effect that parents can have on their children. #he words are especially relevant to understanding the potency of parental conditioning upon young children, notably in the context of #ransational ?nalysis. F#hey fuck you up, your (um and Bad, #hey may not mean to but they do. #hey fill you with the faults they had

?nd add some extra >ust for you.F 1-or a wonderful antidote to the desperation of this sentiment, see the #hich $hat 'anh !uote about parents on the inspirational !uotes page.6

hell hath no fury..
#his is commonly mis!uoted, typically as F'ell has no fury like a woman scorned,F or more traditionally, F'ell hath no fury as a woman scorned,F and other variations around this theme. ?sk people if they know the !uote. 9ery many will do, but not many will know the correct version. ?s is often the case, the distortion largely fails to convey the meaning of the original writing. ''ell hath no fury..F is one of the most widely mis!uoted famous !uotations, and provides a fine illustration of the need to use appropriately robust reference sources when researching material that is prone to misunderstanding. #he internet might be free and easy, but it is still not generally as reliable as a decent book of !uotations and biographical dictionary, which can be found in most libraries. ,ibraries and proper books can also be a lot more interesting and en>oyable than sitting at a 08 getting eye-strain and a stiff neck. #he full actual !uotation is. 'eaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, $or 'ell a fury like a woman scorned. #hese wonderful lines were written by *illiam 8ongreve, 7JG3-7G4H, an ;nglish dramatist and poet, and appear in his 7JHG play #he (ourning &ride, ?ct +++, Scene viii. #he !uotation is also useful in discussions about revenge and retaliation, tit-for-tat, negotiation and business styles, game-playing, war and diplomacy, and the fine line between positive and negative relationships. 8ongreve's words focus on the female view, but the principle - especially the first line - is central to the behaviour of many people. Sources. &artlett's -amiliar "uotations, and 8hambers &iographical Bictionary. +ncidentally 1thanks ( &eddingfield and ? &eddingfield, $ov 43326, the word fury is derived from :reek mythology. #he furies were ?lecto, (egaera and #isiphone, daughters of $yx or 'ades and 0ersephone, typically described as 'snakey haired women' with dogs' heads and bats' wings. ?ccording to myth the furies descended on wrong-doers 1especially anyone disrepectful to the gods6 to deliver various mental harrassment and appalling physical punishment. 8haucer is the earliest recorded user of the words furious and furie 1rage6 in ;nglish, in the late 7O33s, referring to the :reek story of the furies, and in more general reference to rage, in which his usage stems from the ,atin word furia 1violent rage6. #he word fury itself therefore has very old connections with the notions of hell and female revenge, and this word history helps explain how the expression evolved, and was associated with ancient story-telling and beliefs.

the peter principle
F+n a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetenceF 1Br ,aurence 0eter, 7H7H-H3, 8anadian academic, from the 7HJH book, #he 0eter 0rinciple, written by Br 0eter and 5aymond 'ull - 0eter was the academic) 'ull the writer6 -ar from being an indictment of people, ,aurence 0eter's ideas were mostly focused on the weaknesses of typical organisations, and the threat that they present to the well-being of their people. ,aurence 0eter and 5aymond 'ull's 7HJH book #he 0eter 0rinciple is a study of hierarchies 10eter coined the scientific term 'hierarchiology'6 and how people behave within them in relation to promotion and competence. ,aurence 0eter also asserted that, F*ork is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetenceF, although he places the blame on organisations, not employees, and urges people to prioritise their health and happiness rather than struggle to meet the unhealthy demands of a promotion-too-far, in an uncaring hierarchy. ?lthough written in 7HJH, #he 0eter 0rinciple contains perspectives that resonate even more strongly today. $otably ,aurence 0eter observed that bosses who are competent in their roles tend to assess employees according to their output and results, whereas incompetent bosses tend to assess employees according to their input and adherence to rules and policies, etc. #his remains a feature of poorly managed organisations and hierarchies. 0eter also suggested that 'super-competence' in an employee is more likely to result in dismissal than promotion, which again is a feature of poor organisations, which cannot handle the disruption. ? super-competent employee F...violates the first commandment of hierarchical life. Mnamely thatN the hierarchy must be preserved..F which again is symptomatic of poorly run modern organisations, >ust as it was back in the 7HJ3's. 0eter also says of leadership in poor organisations. F(ost heirarchies are nowadays so cumbered with rules and traditions....... that even high employees do not have to lead anyone anywhere, in the sense of pointing out the direction and setting the pace. #hey simply follow precedents, obey regulations, and move at the head of the crowd. Such employees lead only in the sense that the carved wooden figurehead leads the ship..F ?lso included in ,aurence 0eter's study was his analysis of a survey of general practice doctors who were asked to list the most commonly encountered medical complaints among 'successful' patients. #he survey results could easily be found in a modern survey, and included ulcers, colitis, high blood pressure, alcoholism, obesity, hypertension, insomnia, cardiovascular problems and impotence. 0eter interpreted such complaints as evidence of 'constitutional incompetence' associated with what he termed 'final placement syndrome'. ?t the time, 0eter bemoaned the fact that the medical profession failed to see the connection between over-demanding work responsibility and people's well-being. #oday of course we understand that there is a connection, although the challenge remains for most organisations, and society as a whole, to focus seriously on dealing with the situation. ?s 0eter himself says, F...#ruth will outU #ime and the increasingly tumultuous social order inevitably will being enlightenment..F ,aurence 0eter's ideas of 7HJH were keenly perceptive then, and remain so today.

parkinson#s law
F*ork expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.F 18yril $orthcote 0arkinson, 7H3H-7HHO, ;nglish political scientist, historian and writer, from his book, 0arkinson's ,aw - #he 0ursuit of 0rogress, written in [email protected] #he fuller vesion of the !uote known as '0arkinson's ,aw' is. F*ork expands so as to fill the time available for its completion, and subordinates multiply at a fixed rate, regardless of the amount of work produced..F 18yril $orthcote 0arkinson, 7H3H-7HHO, ;nglish political scientist, historian and writer, from his book, 0arkinson's ,aw - #he 0ursuit of 0rogress, written in [email protected] 0arkinson also coined other notable phrases of enduring relevance. F;xpenditure rises to meet income.F 18 $orthcote 0arkinson, 7H3H-7HHO, from #he ,aw and the 0rofits, 7HJ3.6 F#he man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take.F 18 $orthcote 0arkinson, 7H3H7HHO, from 0arkinson's ,aw - #he 0ursuit of 0rogress, [email protected]

the pareto principle (pareto#s law)
Lnown by various names, including #he 0areto 0rinciple, #he 0areto ,aw, 0areto's ,aw, #he 23/43 5ule, #he 23.43 5ule, 0areto #heory, #he 0rinciple of ,east ;ffort 1a term coined by :eorge Eipf in 7HIH based on 0areto's theory6, #he 0rinciple of +mbalance, #he 23-43 0rinciple, #he 5ule of the 9ital -ew 1an interpretation developed by Doseph Duran in the field of !uality management6 and other combinations of these expressions. #he 0areto 23/43 5ule is commonly used 1and ignored at considerable cost6 in many aspects of organi%ational and business management. +t is helpful in specialised !uality management such as six sigma, planning, decision-making, and general performance management. #he principle is extremely helpful in bringing swift and easy clarity to complex situations and problems, especially when deciding where to focus effort and resources. #he 0areto 0rinciple 1at a simple level6 suggests that where two related data sets or groups exist 1typically cause and effect, or input and output6. F23 percent of output is produced by 43 percent of input.F or alternatively F23 percent of outcomes are from 43 percent of causesF or alternatively F23 percent of contribution comes from 43 percent of the potential contribution availableF #here is no definitive 0areto '!uote' as such - the above are my own simplified interpretations of 0areto's 23-43 5ule. #he 0areto 0rinciple is a model or theory, and an extremely useful model at that. +t has endless applications - in management, social study

and demographics, all types of distribution analysis, and business and financial planning and evaluation. +n actual fact the 0areto 0rinciple does not say that the 23.43 ratio applies to every situation, and neither is the model based on a ratio in which the two figures must add to make 733. ?nd even where a situation does contain a 23.43 correlation other ratios might be more significant, for example. / / HH.44 1illustrating that even greater concentration than 23.43 and therefore significance at the 'top-end'6 or @.@3 1ie, >ust @A results or benefit coming from @3A of the input or causes or contributors, obviously indicating an enormous amount of ineffectual activity or content6. the 23-43 correlation was the first to be discovered 23-43 remains the most striking and commonly occurring ratio and since its discovery, the 23.43 ratio has always been used as the name and basic illustration of the 0areto theory.

#he reasons why 23.43 has become the 'standard' are. / / /

'ere are some examples of 0areto's ,aw as it applies to various situations. ?ccording to the 0areto 0rinciple, it will generally the case 1broadly - remember it's a guide not a scientific certainty6, that within any given scenario or system or organisation. / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 23 percent of results come from 43 percent of efforts 23 percent of activity will re!uire 43 percent of resources 23 percent of usage is by 43 percent of users 23 percent of the difficulty in achieving something lies in 43 percent of the challenge 23 percent of revenue comes from 43 percent of customers 23 percent of problems come from 43 percent of causes 23 percent of profit comes from 43 percent of the product range 23 percent of complaints come from 43 percent of customers 23 percent of sales will come from 43 percent of sales people 23 percent of corporate pollution comes from 43 percent of corporations 23 percent of work absence is due to 43 percent of staff 23 percent of road traffic accidents are cause by 43 percent of drivers 23 percent of a restaurant's turnover comes from 43 percent of its menu 23 percent of your time spent on this website will be spent on 43 percent of this website and so on..

5emember for any particular situation the precise ratio can and probably will be different to 23.43, but the principle will apply nevertheless, and in many cases the actual ratio will not be far away from the 23.43 general rule. Such a principle is extremely useful in planning, analysis, trouble-shooting, problemsolving and decision-making, and change management, especially when broad initial >udgements have to be made, and especially when propositions need checking. (any complex business disasters could easily have been averted if the instigators had thought to refer to the 0areto 0rinciple as a 'sanity check' early on. 0areto's ,aw is a tremendously powerful model, all the more effective because it's so simple and easy. -or example, consider an organisation which persists in directing its activities e!ually across its entire product range when perhaps H@A of its profits derive from >ust 73A of the products, and/or perhaps a mere 4A of its profits come from J3A of its product range. +magine the wasted effort... +nstead, by carrying out a !uick simple '0areto analysis' and discovering these statistics, the decision-makers could see at a glance clearly where to direct their efforts, and probably too could see a whole lot of products that could be discontinued. #he same effect can be seen in markets, services, product content, resources, etc) indeed any situation where an 'output.input' or 'effect.cause' relationship exists. 0areto's 0rinciple is named after the man who first discovered and described the '23.43' phenomenon, 9ilfredo 0areto 172I2-7H4O6, an +talian economist and sociologist. 0areto was born in 0aris, and became 0rofessor of 0olitical ;conomy at ,ausanne, Swit%erland in 72HO. ?n academic, 0areto was fascinated by social and political statistics and trends, and the mathematical interpretation of socio-economic systems. 9ilfredo 0areto first observed the 23/43 principle when researching and analysing wealth and income distribution trends in nineteenth-century ;ngland 1some people suggest this was +taly) + say ;ngland, or &ritain6, in which, broadly he noted that 43 percent of the people owned 23 percent of the wealth. &eyond this he also noted that this 'predictable imbalance' could be extrapolated 1extended6 to illustrate that, for example, 73 per cent would have J@ percent of the wealth, and @ percent of people would own @3 percent of the wealth. ?gain these other ratios are what 0areto found in this particular study - they are not scientific absolutes that can be transferred reliably to other situations. 0areto then tested his 23-43 principle 1including related numerical correlations6 on other countries, and all sorts of other distribution scenarios, by which he was able to confirm that the 23.43 0rinciple, and similarly imbalanced numerical correlations, could be used reliably as a model to predict and measure and manage all kinds of effects and situations. #hus while the very first application of the 0areto 0rinciple, or 23-43 5ule, was originally in 0areto's suggestion that F;ighty percent of the wealth is held by twenty percent of the people,F the principle was and can be extended to apply to almost all other distribution scenarios as well. ?s a mathematical political and sociological innovator, 0areto developed other theories, for instance his 7H7J book #he (ind and Society predicted the growth of -ascism in ;urope, but his most famous discovery was the '23/43' statistical rule that bears his name. 5egrettably 0areto didn't live to see the general appreciation and wide adoption of his principle) he seems to not have been particularly effective at explaining and promoting

the theory beyond academic circles, and it was left to other experts such as :eorge Eipf and Doseph Duran to develop and refine 0areto's theories to make them usable and popular in business and management later towards the middle of the 43th century. +taly or &ritainC... Some people say 0areto's initial discovery of predictably unbalanced wealth distribution was based on +taly's data. + say it was ;ngland. (y chief source for stating ;ngland rather than +taly is an excellent book called #he 23/43 0rinciple, by 5ichard Loch, 7HHG, 7HH2. 0ublished by $icholas &realey. 1? good book is generally more reliable than several websites, which are prone to copying content6. Loch states 1page J in the explanation of 0areto's first discovery of wealth distribution imbalance6 that 0areto was F...looking at patterns of wealth and income on nineteenth-century ;ngland...F Loch continues, 1also on page J in the explanation of 0areto's discovery6 that 0areto also found that, F...this pattern of imbalance 1the predictably unbalanced distribution of wealth across the population6 was repeated consistently whenever he looked at data referring to different time periods or different countries. *hether he looked at ;ngland in earlier times, or whatever data were available from other countries in his own time or earlier, he 10areto6 found the same pattern repeating itself...F + also found these supporting texts on the web. F...#he second is 0areto's law of income distribution. #his law, which 0areto derived from &ritish data on income, showed a linear relationship between each income level and the number of people who received more than that income. 0areto found similar results for 0russia, Saxony, 0aris, and some +talian cities....F 1Source. http.//www.econlib.org/library/;nc/bios/0areto.html6 ?nd the *ikipedia entry also seems to support the case for ;ngland/&ritain rather than +taly. http.//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/0aretoXindex #he original 0areto source book is 8ours d'Yconomie 0oliti!ue 172HJ, 72HG6 - see http.//cepa.newschool.edu/het/profiles/pareto.htm Qn balance + think the websites and sources which state ;ngland/&ritain as the first 0areto income distribution study are more likely to be correct than those which state +taly. ?ssuming this is the case + would guess that some people have inferred it to be +taly given 0areto's +talian parentage and early life in +taly, although his study leading to the 23/43 principle was carried out after he left +taly and moved to the Kniversity of ,ausanne in Swit%erland. 'e was actully born in -rance and only lived in +taly in the middle years of his life. 0areto's study was apparently carried out on income tax data. 0erhaps &ritish data was easiest to find. + expect his book would explain the reasons. +f you know any more, or have a copy and can translate the original 8ours d'Yconomie 0oliti!ue, please tell me.

generation x, y, add and "a"y-"oomers...
#his broad model for defining people appeared towards the end of the 43th century. 5eferences to it - normally for interest in a wider discussion - arise often in the western world among writers and social commentators, and also marketing people, notably in $orth ?merica and the KL. +t's a very loose theory, open to wide interpretation and debate, and is not a reliable

scientific tool for demographics and profiling. #he model most commonly features three generational types. &aby &oomers, and the :enerations < and = 1which are completely unrelated to (c:regor's <-= #heory6. :enerational groups have been retrospectively suggested for pre-war times. +ncreasingly commentators devise new groups and names, and we can expect the model to grow and become more complex as a result. *hen considering the model, significantly, the teenage years and years of young adulthood are the biggest influence on people's attitudes, not when they were born. (usic and fashion are often regarded as reflecting and helping to form the character of the group. generation name ,he -ost .eneration "orn (range, loosely) 7223-7H33 characteri+ing features typically descri"ed (loosely)

#he term reflects the unthinkable loss of human life in the -irst million killed and over 43 million wounded. #his happened in > 17H7I-7H726. *e cannot imagine this today.

,he /nter"ellum .eneration ,he .reatest .eneration (,he 0eterans) ,he ilent .eneration

7H33-7H7O 7H7I-7HO3

+nterbellum means 'between wars', referring to the fact that thes fight in the -irst *orld *ar and too old to fight in the Second.

#hese people are revered for having grown up during the :reat stood alongside those who fought in the Second *orld *ar 17H generations of the early 7H33s, life was truly hard compared to

7HO3-7HI@

8haracteri%ed as fatalistic, accepting, having modest career and security and safety. #hese people experienced the 7HO3s :reat *orld *ar in early life, and post-war austerity in young adultho provided a foundation for the easier lives of the &aby &oomers

1a"y 1oomers

7HIJ-7HJ3

;!uality, freedom, civil rights, environmental concern, peace, o authority, protest. &aby &oomers mostly lived safe from war an mostly in families, and en>oyed economic prosperity more often adulthood years 7HJ3-7H23 - fashion and music. fun, happy, ch

.eneration 2ones

7H@O-7HJ2

?c!uisitive, ambitious, achievement-oriented, cynical, material expression 'keeping up with the Doneses'6. :eneration Dones is p overlapping and representing a sub-group within the &aby &oo

.eneration 3 (.en3) 4,0 .eneration .eneration 5 (.en-5 or

7HJ3-7H23

?pathy, anarchy, reactionism, detachment, technophile, resentf #eenage/young adulthood years 7HGO-4333 - fashion and music establishment.

7HGI-7H2O 7H23-4333 and

(#9 :eneration is a lesser-used term for a group overlapping Dones is to &aby &oomers and :en-<, so (#9 :eneration is a

9iews vary as to when this range ends, basically because no-on categories tend to become established some years after the birth

4illennials)

beyond 1C6

#eenage/young adulthood years 7HH3s and the noughties - fash rather than niche, swarmingly popular effects, fuelled by social technology.

.eneration 6 (.en6 or perhaps .eneration !77)

after :en-=

#oo soon to say much about this group. ? name has yet to beco characteri%ing features. :eneration E is a logical name in the < is less likely to establish itself as a name for this cohort - it refe Beficit Bisorder and the supposed inability of young people in 433H6 to be able to concentrate for longer than a few seconds o differentiate from :en-=, mainly because 1as at 433H6 it's a littl people born after :en-= are actually behaving, unless the end o to be a few years earlier than the year 4333. #ime will tell.

#he model is here mainly for interest and basic explanation, not to suggest it be applied seriously. #he framework is very loose, not scientific at all, and has no single point of origin or founding theorist, although claims of origination are made for some of the generation names within the model. #he theory attempts to categorise different generations of people into obvious different demographic groups or 'cohorts' according to the period in which they were born, referring typically also to lifestyles and attitudes. #he notion of characteri%ing an entire generation, tens of millions of people, in such a sweeping way is of course daft, nevertheless there are fundamental correlations between society and the culture, on which premise the model is essentially based. +t is tempting to over-estimate the significance of when people were born and the societal influences of their formative years, and to under-estimate the life-stage changes which all people, regardless of when they were born, inevitably pass through. ?rguably ,ife-Stage theory is much more meaningful and useful than attempting to ascribe character on the basis of when a person was born. See ;rikson's ,ife-Stage #heory - it is refreshingly sensible compared to the vagueness of the generational model above. ;rikson's theory also provides excellent guidance for anyone seeking to analyse the effects of social conditions and experiences on people's lives, which would be relevant if attempting to substantiate or develop the reliability of the generational model above. + welcome suggestions, improvements and corrections for the generational model above.

the %st law of cy"ernetics
8,he unit within the system with the most "ehavioural responses availa"le to it controls the system.8 #his is also known as the law of requisite variety, and is nowadays central to the concepts of neuro-linguistic programming 1$,06, as well as being one of the most

powerful principles for achieving a happy, fulfilled and successful life. See the 8ybernetics history and overview

love quotes
F*hen the rain is blowing in your face, ?nd the whole world is on your case, + could offer you a warm embrace, #o make you feel my love. *hen the evening shatters and the stars appear, ?nd there is no one there to dry your tears, + could hold you for a million years, #o make you feel my love.F 1&ob Bylan - the opening verses from (ake =ou -eel (y ,ove, on the album #ime out of (ind, 7HHG.6 F0erhaps it was right to dissemble your love, &ut - why did you kick me downstairsC...F 1+saac &ickerstaffe, c.7GOO-7232, from ?n ;xpostulation, 7G2H. Bissemble means hide or conceal.6 F8ome live with me, and be my love, ?nd we will all the pleasures prove.F 18hristopher (arlowe, 7@JI-HO, ;nglish poet and dramatist, from #he 0assionate Shepherd to his ,ove. +n this sense, the word prove means try, test, evaluate - +'m sure you get the idea..6 F '#is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.F 1Samuel &utler, 72O@7H34, from from #he *ay of ?ll -lesh, published 7H3O.6 F+ am the ,ove that dare not speak its name.F 1,ord ?lfred Bouglas, 72G3-7HI@, from #wo ,oves, 72HJ6 FQf all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.F 1&ertrand 5ussell6 F8ome, let us make love deathless.F 1'erbert #rench, 7H376 F?nd so to bed...F 1Samuel 0epys not exactly written originally in a love context, but it works...6 F?ll's fair in love and war.F 1-rancis Smedley, from his novel '-rank -arleigh', 72@36 F(an's love is of man's life a thing apart, '#is woman's whole existence.F 1,ord &yron, from Bon Duan, 724I.6 F0leasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure.F 1,ord &yron, from Bon Duan, 724I.6 FQf all pains, the greatest pain, +s to love, and to love in vain.F 1:eorge :ranville, 7JJJ [email protected] F'eaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, $or 'ell a fury, like a woman scorned.F 1*illiam 8ongreve, from '#he (ourning &ride', 7JHG.6

F#he nakedness of woman is the work of :od.F 1*illiam &lake6 F*herefore there are no more twain, but one flesh. *hat therefore :od hath >oined together let not man put asunder.F 1(atthew 7H.J6 F#he female of the species is more deadly than the male.F 15udyard Lipling, 7H7H6 F8'mon, baby, light my fire.F 1Dim (orrison and 5obby Lrieger, from the Boors' ',ight (y -ire', 7HJG.6

latin love quotes
F?mor vincit omnia.F 1,ove con!uers all - this timeless !uote is first recorded in the introduction 1first meeting with the pilgrims6 of F#he 8anterbury #alesF by :eoffrey 8haucer 17OIO-7I336, the satire about religion and human hypocrisy. #he story has it that the !uote was written on the back of a 1particularly valuable looking6 medallion worn, ironically, by a nun, referred to as '#he 0rioress'. 1?ck 8,&6 F?d infinitum.F 1;ndlessly6 F?eternus.F 1;verlasting6 F(eminerunt omnia amantes.F 1,overs remember everything - Qvid6 FQdi et amo. !uare id faciam, fortasse re!uiris. $escio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.F 1F+ hate and + love. why + do so you may well ask, but + feel it happen and am in agony.F 18atullus, 5oman poet, 2I@I&8, from '8armina'.6

funny love quotes
F+t's so long since + had sex +'ve forgotten who ties up whom.F 1Doan 5ivers6 FSexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime) the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the conse!uences damnable.F 1 ,ord 8hesterfield6 F*hen a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.F 1Sasha :uitry6 FSplendid couple - slept with both of them.F 1(aurice &owra6 F(y wife is a sex ob>ect every time + ask for sex, she ob>ects.F 1,es Bawson6 FShe was stark naked expect for a 098 raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves.F 1Leith *aterhouse6 F&isexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.F 1*oody ?llen6 F+t's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an ;nglish >ury. 'alf of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.F 1*inston 8hurchill6 F+'ll come to your room at five o'clock. +f +'m late, start without me.F 1#allulah &ankhead6 F+'ve been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me.F 1'enry ''enny' =oungman6

(allegedly real) quotes from letters to islington council#s housing department
F+ want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.F F+ wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.F F#heir 72 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.F F+ want to complain about the farmer across the road) every morning at Jam his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.F F#his is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get &&84.F (ore of these funny !uotes now appear on their own page, which makes it easier to find them and link to them. See the letters to the council page.

inspirational motivational quotes
#hese !uotes are now on the inspirational motivational !uotes page. #he inspirational !uotes page includes wonderful inspiring !uotations for learning and teaching, with helpful notes, such as. ?nthony Seldon's wonderful !uote about what education should actually be and do for people. F8erca #rovaF - meaning Seek ?nd =ou Shall -ind - see the fascinating origins of the 8erca #rova saying. #he (andela Speech myth !uote - F...*e are all meant to shine, as children do... +t's not >ust in some of us) it's in everyone...F #his is part of an earth-moving !uotation commonly wrongly attributed to $elson (andela, but who actually wrote itC #he ';verybody Somebody...' famous poem about responsibility - see the various versions and a probable origin. #he :uy in the :lass poem - also known wrongly as #he (an in the (irror - see the proper version and origins. #he Serenity 0rayer - F...:ive us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed...F - versions and origins. 8ome to the ;dge - another immensely powerful yet commonly unattributed mis!uoted verse - original version and origins. #he Success poem - F... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...F - an inspiring and moving description of what success in life actually means alternative versions and history. F#hich $hat 'an's wonderful !uote about responsibility and being a grown-up irrespective of our up-bringing.

F+f you're not part of the solution...F - 0robably you know the complete maxim, but what is its originsC &ooker # *ashington's fine !uote for defining personal success. FStanding on the shoulders of giants...F *onderful !uote, much used, rarely attributed versions and origins. F#he 8aptain of (y Soul...F Stirring verse by 'enley, for inner resolve, courage and determination, etc. F*hat does not kill us makes us stronger...F $iet%sche's !uote is actually an extremely meaningful and powerful concept. #he above !uotes and lots more similarly inspiring sayings are on the inspirational motivational !uotes page. See the motivation webpage for explanation of why !uotes and sayings inspire people, including yourself, and how inspirational !uotes stimulate motivation and self-belief, and promote self-development, personal growth and fulfilment.

(alleged) quotes from sales interviews
F+ only came to the interview to confirm my feeling that + should never have been called for the interview..F F+ was handling a market research pro>ect on accident prevention, but + couldn't interview any of the target respondents because they were all dead..F F+ am not married to either a man or a woman..F F0ressurising people is all part of giving customer satisfaction..F F?t my present company they are all bastards including my boyfriend who + met there..F F#he water in your washrooms is exceptionally wet today..F

funny quotes reasons for transport requests to the clinic
1apparently from the 8hiropodists ?ssociation Dournal6 +'m under the doctor and can't breathe. + can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent. + can't breathe and haven't done so for years. + live five miles from the clinic and the postman says + should have it. + have got athritis and heart failure in both feet and knees. + am unable to walk now as my dog has died. + cannot drive a car because + haven't got one. (y husband's dead and won't bring me. + need transport as + have funny feet.

+f my mum goes out alone she gets into trouble. + must have your man as + cannot go out or even do up my suspenders. *hen your man brings me back could you ask him to drop me off at the *hite Swan. + hope you will send your driver as my husband is !uite useless. (y wife must have transport as she is over 23 and drives me mad. + cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to your clinic is up. + want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel !ueer.

funny prince phillip quotes and gaffes (allegedly)
?lso known as the 'consort's clangers'.. Some are more reliable than others. F=ou look like you are ready for bed..F 1Qn meeting an ?frican leader wearing robes, date uncertain - reported to be in $igeria [email protected] F?re you sure you want to go ahead with this, old chapC..F 1#o the future 0resident Lenyatta at Lenya's official independence ceremony, 7HJO.6 F#he bastards murdered half my family..F 1*hen asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Knion, 7HJG.6 F*e shall all be old one day - provided of course we can avoid being slaughtered on the roads or beaten up by some hooligan in a peace demonstration..F 1"uoted in the press, 7HG3.6 F;verybody was saying we must have more leisure. $ow they are complaining they are unemployed..F 1? comment during the KL's recession, 7H27.6 F=ou must be out of your minds..F 1#o Solomon +slanders, on being told that their population growth was @A a year, 7H24.6 F=ou are a woman aren't youC..F 1Qn receiving a gift from a Lenyan native woman, 7H2I.6 F+f you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed..F 1#o a group of &ritish students in 8hina, 7H2J.6 F?ren't most of you descended from piratesC..F 1#o a 8ayman +slander, date uncertain.6 F=ou can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet..F 1#o a &ritish expat in 'ungary, c.7HH3.6 F+ am self-employed..F 1*hen replying to a !uestion as to what type of work he did, c.7HH3.6 F=ou're not wearing mink knickers are youC..F 1#o a fashion writer at a *orld *ildlife -und event., 7HHO.6 F'ow do you keep the natives off the boo%e for long enough to pass their testC..F

1#o a Scottish driving instructor in Qban, [email protected] F=ou managed not to get eaten thenC..F 1#o a student who'd trekked in 0apua $ew :uinea, 7HH2.6 F+ don't think a prostitute is more moral than wife, but they are doing the same thing..F 1"uoted in #he Qbserver newspaper, 7H22.6 F+t looks as though it was put in by an +ndian..F 1Qn seeing a fuse box while being shown around an ;dinburgh factory, 7HHH.6 F=ou were playing your instruments weren't youC, or do you have tape recorders under your seatsC..F 1#o a school band in 8airns, ?ustralia, 4334.6 FBo you still throw spears at each other..C 1#o an ?boriginal man on ?ustralia's #>apukai ?boriginal 8ultural 0ark, 4334.6 FBo you know they have 'eating-dogs' for the anorexics nowC..F 1#o a blind woman with a guide-dog, 4334.6 F+f you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Knless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly..F 18ommenting during the Dubilee tour, 4334.6 F#he problem with ,ondon is the tourists. #hey cause the congestion. +f we could >ust stop tourism we could stop the congestion..F 18ommenting on the ,ondon traffic debate, after mayor Len ,ivingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists Z@ to enter the city, 4334.6 F-rench cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent ;nglish breakfast..F 1?board the floating restaurant '+l 0unto' on the river Qrwell in +pswich, after thoroughly en>oying an excellent full ;nglish breakfast, Summer 4334 - +l 0unto is owned by -renchman 5egis 8repy.6 F=ou'll have to lose a bit of weight first..F 19isiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut', 433O.6 F*ho are you burying todayCF 1?rriving to open a &righton =outh 8entre, 433G.6 0rince 0hilip. F*hat did you do in the warC *oman. + wasn't born until [email protected] 19isiting a B-Bay museum in 0ortsmouth, to a woman - this was how the !uote was reported by certain press, 433H. +n truth 0rince 0hilip apparently asked F*here's your M,and ?rmyN badgeCF, which might have been a >oke, but was interpreted as a gaffe. #he ,and ?rmy were women who worked on farms during the 4nd *orld *ar, 7HOH-I@, some survivors of which were at the museum for the visit by the "ueen and 0rince 0hilip. #he lady in !uestion was there with her 2O-year-old mother, who was wearing a ,and ?rmy badge, hence the !uestion arising.6 F8an you tell the difference between themC..F 1#o KS 0resident Qbama referring to meeting :ordon &rown, Bavid 8ameron and representatives of 8hina and 5ussia, 433H.6

funny quotes (alleged) appraisals putdowns
$eedless to say, these amusing comments are not recommended for use in real appraisals. F? well balanced person, has a chip on both shoulders..F F#akes him two hours to watch sixty minutes..F F:argled from the fountain of knowledge..F F+f you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans..F F+f you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change..F F+f he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week..F F'as two brains. one is lost and the other is out looking for it..F F:ates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..F FBonated his brain to science before he was done using it..F F? prime candidate for natural deselection..F F? photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on..F F+f you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one..F F*hen his +" reaches @3 he should sell..F F'e brings a lot of >oy whenever he leaves the room..F F'e has a knack for making strangers immediately..F F'e would argue with a signpost..F F'e's been working with glue too much..F F+ would like to go hunting with him sometime..F F'e doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier..F F:ot a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together..F F*hen she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet..F F$ot so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'..F F+ would not allow this employee to breed..F F'is men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity..F F'e would be out of his depth in a car park puddle..F F#his person has delusions of ade!uacy..F FSince my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig..F FSets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them..F F'as the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age..F F*orks well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap..F F=ou are on the crest of a slump.F

F#he lights are on but nobody's at home..F F#he wheel is turning but the hamster is dead..F 1#hanks for contributions, ; *elburn, 0 'oughton.6 Send your favourite !uote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors. 0lease note that where !uotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory.

see also
/ / / / / / a more serious collection of inspirational and motivational !uotes air traffic control and pilot funny !uotes real funny insurance claims real funny *eakest ,ink answers real funny -amily -ortunes answers stories and metaphors

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