How to Build Relationship

1
This e-book is brought to you with the compliments of:
Hodu.com - Your Gateway to Better Communication kills
http:!!hodu.com
"lease forward this book to your friends and colleagues#

2
How to Build Relationships That Stick
The $onderful Benefits of
atisfying Communication
By %&riel $innett
Second Edition
Copyright strictly reserved, Azriel Winnett 2001-2008
[email protected] http://hodu.com
Azriel is the creator and publisher of:
Hodu.com - Your Gateway to Better Communication kills
http:!!hodu.com
Hodu.com is a highly acclaimed website dedicated to
helping you improve your communication and interpersonal
relationship skills in the home, the workplace, and on the
social front.
he site includes regularly updated, !uality information
on a diverse range of topics. he following are those that are
most relevant to the theme of this e"book:
Assertiveness #kills
$ody %anguage
&onversation #kills
&ommunicating 'ith (our &hildren
&onflict )esolution
*ealing with *ifficult +eople
,nhancing (our -arriage
.amily %ife
/nterpersonal )elationships
(ou can also subscribe to the fortnightly Site Updates
newsletter, containing brief descriptions of new content
added to the site.
'ore information on Hodu.com at the end of this book.
3
Table of Contents
%bout This Book....................................................................... (
)ecei*ing +oud and Clear ....................................... ,
Tone -own .motional /oise ................................. 00
You Ha*e to "robe -eeper .................................... 01
How to Break a -eadlock....................................................... 0,
The "ower of imply +istening ..............................20
3irst Barrier to 4ntimacy ........................................ 2(
Closing the 3eedback +oop ................................... 2,
$hen 'inimi&ing is 'a5imi&ing ............................ 60
4mmersing in %nother7s $orld ..............................6(
.mpathy is 8ing# ................................................... 69
"leasure : 4nstant or +asting; .............................. (0
3ast Track to Hell ..................................................10
ay< $hat7s =n Your 'ind; ................................... 11
Taming the -estructi*e .go .................................. >?
Time to Be %sserti*e ............................................. >(
Gi*ing 4s /ot Gi*ing 4n# ......................................... >9
-ump That /egati*e Baggage# ............................. 9?
Taming the -estructi*e .go .................................. 9(
The 3ire 4nside You................................................................ 9,
$hat You Can 3ind on Hodu.com........................................... ,?
4

%bout This Book
0ohn, a young man who had been married for si1
months, was beginning to feel a little browned off with the
institution "of marriage. He confided to his best friend,
2ary, that married life "well, at least, his married life was
not all that it had been cracked up to be.
3/t looks like you need to speak to someone, 0ohn,4
said 2ary, sympathetically. 3/ mean, someone with
e1perience in these matters. 5ow, / know a good person,
an old man, and a wise one, who6ll give you 7ust the right
advice. He6s brilliant. And it won6t cost you a cent.4
0ohn didn6t need to be told twice. He arrived at the old
man6s door, knocked, and introduced himself.
3'e6ve been married for only a few months,4 he wailed,
3and already there are tensions.4
3)eally8 /n what way84
3'ell, / roll and she s!ueezes94
he wise counselor6s eyebrows knitted together in
puzzlement, but even before he could ask for an
e1planation, the whole sad story came blurting out.
3(ou see, / like to roll the toothpaste gently. hat6s
clean, it6s efficient and it6s economical. $ut she insists on
taking the tube in her hand and giving it a good s!ueeze4
s!ueeze...4
35o problem94 proclaimed the old man. 3$uy two tubes
of toothpaste.4
:ne lesson we can learn from this amusing anecdote is
that a little imagination and creativity can go a long way
towards resolving interpersonal conflicts. Another is the
power of 3win"win4 strategies. 'e already hear so much
about this among people doing business on the /nternet,
and the time is past due that we begin talking more about
3win"win4 also in human relationships ; not for the sake of
petty personal advantage, but to bring more happiness
into all our lives.
hese are among the topics we6ll e1amine in this book.
5
:ver and above all this, however, our little story
illustrates a disturbing fact of modern life that far too few
of us are ready to acknowledge. +eople are entering into
all kinds of personal relationships without sufficient
preparation or even basic knowledge of what to e1pect.
'hen, inevitably, disillusionment begins to set in, not
all of these people are as fortunate as 0ohn was in having
sympathetic, discreet and worldly"wise friends in which to
confide. -any are so overcome with an1iety or doubt that
they react in inappropriate ways, only to regret it later.
:thers are very !uick to throw their blame on their
partners, their friends, the environment, rotten luck ;
anybody or anything e1cept, of course, themselves.
/ronically, among the primary reasons for this sad state
of affairs are basic misconceptions regarding the very
nature of relationships. 0ust one e1ample ; people often
erroneously think that friendship is something you either
have or don6t have. (ou either like someone or you don6t.
/f you don6t, that6s the end of the story, period.
/f you believe this, / don6t know how you6ll e1plain a
story once recounted by a celebrated psychologist and
radio personality.
A man decided to divorce his wife because he no
longer loved her. <nfortunately, for some technical
reason, he could not file for the divorce for si1 months.
$eing a reasonable fellow, he decided to make the most
of the situation, and 7ust for the heck of it, he would make
a list of all the things he would do, if he truly loved his
wife. He then began doing these things. he result8 He
was soon madly in love with the woman he couldn6t
stomach a few months earlier.
he romantic notion that love 7ust happens, that cupid
either hits you with the arrow or he doesn6t, is really 7ust
that ; a concept that has its place in romantic novels, but
hasn6t much to do with real life. /6m not denying that
chemistry is often a very important component in
relationships, but, at best, it6s only part of the story.
+eople who are looking for one"night stands don6t need
a book like this one. $ut if you6re really interested in a
lasting, satisfying, 3sticky4 kind of relationship, you have
to be prepared to work hard. :n the first day, the ne1t
day and every day thereafter.
6
$ut never let this put you off9 5ot only are the rewards
far greater than you possibly ever imagined, but you may
well find even the effort itself, with the right attitude and
ade!uate preparation, to be infinitely satisfying.
/ must stress that /6m not referring only to marriage or
romantic partnerships, but also to the relationship
between members of a family, ordinary friendships, and
even your relationship with business and workplace
associates. -any of the concepts, principles and ideas
we will discuss in the following pages have relevance, in
some degree, to virtually all kinds of relationships.
'hatever your personal circumstances, / hope you
will find here many ideas that will be useful you in your
own situation, and that they will help in some measure to
enhance the !uality of your life, the lives of the people
close to you and those with whom you interact daily.
his modest e"book was a kind of natural outgrowth of the
electronic newsletter Effective Co!nication,
which / wrote and published for two years. he e"
zine ac!uired a loyal following beyond
e1pectations, even though / did little to publicize it.
=All the material that appeared in this e"zine can
now be found online on Hodu.com : Your
Gateway to Better Communication kills.
he obvious public interest in the topics / covered
there gave me the impetus to write "o# to $!ild
%elationships &hat Stic'(
#ince communication is the foundation of all personal
interaction, / have devoted our first few chapters to a brief
discussion of some principles of effective communication.
/ try to show how basic communication skills, or the lack
of them, can, perhaps more than anything else, make or
break a relationship.
/ strongly believe that the communication process
begins ; and ends ; within ourselves. he success of a
given piece of communication is often determined, in
practice, even before we open our mouths.
.rom there, we go on to such topics as listening skills,
validation, empathy, personal attitudes, the destructive
power of the ,go, the influence of past e1periences, the
role of our self"image and assertiveness skills.
7
/t goes without saying that these few pages don6t even
scratch the surface of these sub7ects. / hope, though, that
this tiny treatise will at least set you thinking furiously,
inspire you to investigate further, and perhaps even effect
positive change in your life and that of your dear ones.
+lease e"mail me at [email protected] to let me know
what you think.
)espectfully,
Azriel 'innett
/srael, .ebruary >??@
8
Chapter One
)ecei*ing +oud and Clear
he great &ecil $. *e -ille, goes the story, was
making one of the spectacular epic movies that made him
famous.
#i1 cameras were positioned at various points to pick
up the overall action. .ive others were set up to film the
dramatic encounters between the main characters at
close range.
According to one version of the tale, the sun was about
to set. /t had been a long day for the huge cast and
everybody else involved. hey had arrived at the spot at
the crack of dawn and the actors had begun rehearsing
the scene immediately. hey had gone through
everything four times.
*e -ille looked around him. ,verything looked good.
He estimated that there was 7ust enough light to get the
shot done.
he great director gave the command for action.
:ne hundred e1tras in battle dress charged up the hill,
brandishing their swords in the fading sunlight. An e!ual
number came storming down, screaming for all they were
worth.
*own below, the principal stars were straining every
nerve to turn in the performance of a lifetime, as they
acted out their reactions to the battle on the hill.
.ifteen minutes later, everything was !uiet.
3&ut94 yelled *e -ille, as his face broke out into the
broadest of smiles. 3hat was great94 he enthused,
nudging his assistant.
3#ure was, &.$.,4 agreed the assistant. 3/t was
fantastic. ,verything went off perfectly.4
9
2rinning from ear to ear, *e -ille waved to the
supervisor of the camera crew. He wanted to make sure
that the cameras had picked up everything without a
hitch.
.rom the top of the hill, the chief cameraman waved
back. He then raised his megaphone to his mouth and
blurted out:
3)eady when you are, &.$94
5o prize for working out what the problem was here.
/f you e1pect someone to carry out an instruction or
re!uest, you have to make sure that the right party gets
the message "in every sense. ,ven when you6re certain
that the message is received, it6s still not enough. (ou
have to ensure that it is understood.
-isunderstood messages lead to serious breakdowns
in communication. 'e all know that, at least superficially.
/f nothing else helps, many of us learn the hard way through
bitter e1perience "how crucial this a1iom is.
And as we will see later, the problem doesn6t always lie
with the one initiating the communication.
All too often, a message is transmitted clearly enough,
but then all sorts of strange things happen once it begins
to penetrate the consciousness of the receiver.
he mental set, e1pectations, beliefs and the mood of
the receiver all play a part in the way a communication is
received. 0ust as critical is the impact of the receiving
party6s various past e1periences "both individually and in
sum.
his is why / mentioned in the introduction that the
effectiveness of a given communication is sometimes
predetermined even before the initiating parties open
their mouths.
his is not to deny that the interaction between the
participants is crucial to the outcome. $ut so are factors
that are already there even before the interaction begins.
10
+eople who are working hard on improving a
relationship need to understand this and keep it in mind
all the time.
%et6s try to clarify this further.
11
Chapter Two
Tone -own .motional /oise

/ once held a senior position in a large organization. /
would work hard for long hours that often included
weekends, but / en7oyed my duties and besides, / was
dedicated to the ideals of the institution.
:nly one thing bothered me. -y family was clearly
suffering on account of such intense involvement, and /
knew / was far from bringing home enough income to
make them feel, at least, that it was all worthwhile.
/ also knew that, as a non"profit organization, my
employer was hardly flush with money. ,ventually,
though, / managed to pluck up enough courage to
approach the managing director and pour out my heart to
him.
o my surprise, he seemed to show a tremendous
empathy for my situation. He didn6t have the power to
decide such matters on his own, but he promised to plead
my case at a meeting of the financial board the following
week. /n his eyes, a favorable outcome in the form of a
healthy salary raise was almost a foregone conclusion.
he morning after the scheduled date of the meeting,
with a few random stomach butterflies competing with a
mood of cautious "or perhaps incautious "optimism, /
knocked on the director6s door.
3Hello, Azriel, how are you today84
He was wearing his customary warm smile, but after
three seconds, it suddenly froze in mid air. /6m not sure
that / wasn6t imagining it, but his face seemed to change
color several times within the same space of time.
$ut if my boss did lose his composure momentarily, he
regained it !uickly enough.
12
3%ook, /6m sorry, / didn6t....ahem...get a firm response
from the committee yet, but /6m glad you came in.
)emember that technical problem we were discussing a
few weeks ago8 / think /6ve hit upon the way to deal with
it. $ut first, can you 7ust check out and confirm a couple of
things for me...4
$ut, sad to say, / was hardly in a frame of mind to pay
too much attention to technical problems right then.
-y brain somehow processed the director6s message
in a very half"hearted fashion, and / don6t recall fully what
happened after that. / do faintly remember making a
perfunctory re!uest to a colleague to take care of the
matter for me, but how accurately / relayed the
instructions and to what e1tent they were carried out, /
don6t know to this day.
And yet / was known as a self"sacrificing employee,
loyal and totally devoted to duty at all times....
,motional blackouts in varying degrees are obstacles
to good communication as real as they are intangible.
hey6re no less of a barrier than the noise of a pneumatic
drill punctuating the conversation of two people in the
street.
'e would be wrong to think, though, that emotional
obstacles affect only the way a message is received.
%et6s look for a moment at the other end of the process.
&onsider this true drugstore incident:
'hen the phone rang, the pharmacist was shaken to
hear the booming voice of a very angry doctor on the line.
He demanded to know why the pharmacist had
dispensed medication different than the one he had
prescribed. 'here was the pharmacist6s public
responsibility8 *idn6t he know how to read properly8 How
could he be so careless8
he confused pharmacist !uickly apologized, but she
wasn6t about to be let off the hook so easily. he
indignant doctor continued with a lengthy tirade.
13
His lecture went on and on: how professional obligations
seemed to have gone by the board in the modern world,
the possibly serious conse!uences of such mistakes for
the patient6s health, and so on.
Afterwards, the pharmacist sifted through her pile of
prescriptions to find the script in !uestion. o her
surprise, she saw she had dispensed e1actly what was
written there9 #o it was the doctor who had erred9 #he
rang up and very respectfully told him what she had
found.
3:h well,4 he said casually, 3anyone can make a
mistake.4
he doctor here certainly doesn6t come across as a
particularly pleasant character, but human nature being
what it is, this episode is not as unusual as it appears to
be. / bring this story here to highlight two important points.
.irstly, personal bias colors the way we react to events.
/n most circumstances, we may respond to a certain
stimulus from another person in one way. .ollowing the
e1ample in our story, we may be blessed with very sharp
critical faculties. 'hen used constructively, that may even
be healthy. At other times, it may be highly destructive.
$ut when we really care about someone =and we all do
care about ourselvesA, then suddenly it becomes
surprisingly easy to 7ustify their behavior, or at least to
reserve 7udgment until we know the facts. 'e tap
intellectual strengths we didn6t know were there, and find
that we6ve suddenly become very creative and
imaginative.
#econdly, and most importantly, our individual
perception of an event or series of events will then
influence the way we communicate with others. And not
only when we are communicating that specific event, but
even, many times, when we are talking about something
unrelated.
14
(es, we might think we know these things already, but
we need to emphasize and reiterate them constantly if we
are to succeed in breaking down the barriers that prevent
effective communication "and in turn, inhibit the forming
of strong relationships.
/n our ne1t chapter, we6ll e1amine some of these
barriers more closely.
15
Chapter Three
You Ha*e to "robe -eeper
*o you remember when, as a small child at a birthday
party, you sat wide"eyed and gaping as a magician pulled
out a rabbit with a flourish from a seemingly empty top
hat8
At the time, the wonder of it all left you speechless and
full of awe, but like all healthy children, you grew a little
wiser as you grew a little older.
he ne1t time you were present at such a performance,
the 3magician4 might have turned into a 3con7urer4. (ou
might have en7oyed the show every bit as much, but you
now knew that sleight of hand, not black magic, was the
name of the game.
/t6s a great pity that when we finally emerge into
adulthood, we tend to forget what we learned about those
crafty con7urers who entertained us in our youth.
(es, our intellects may have matured greatly over the
years. $ut for all that, we don6t draw enough on our
youthful understanding of the 3sleight of hand4 concept to
make further logical distinctions along the same lines.
-ore specifically, and simply put, we often don6t
appreciate enough that things are not always what they6re
cracked up to be9
he end result is that we fall prone to a kind of mental
laziness that allows us to accept everything that
bombards our senses at face value, without probing
deeper. At times, we may even regress so much that we
are still viewing life6s events as the small child views his
first magician show.
/t6s not only little toddlers at birthday parties whose
mind6s are deceived. /f you6re at all human =and who
isn6tA, it may happen to you almost very day.
16
A woman was once riding on a subway train when si1
e1ceptionally boisterous children burst into the carriage
and plunked themselves down on a seat near her.
Almost automatically, the woman cringed. #he wondered
how she would survive the rest of the 7ourney.
hen a few seconds later a gentleman stepped into the
coach, trudged in a rather lethargic manner over to the
children, and sighing deeply, sat down ne1t to them. he
woman rela1ed a little. He must be their father, and
undoubtedly he would keep the young brats in order.
$ut to her consternation, the five kids didn6t let up in
their wild e1uberance for a second. hey continued to
7ump up and down and race around the coach, yelling
their little lungs out all the while, while the father 7ust sat
there in almost a trance"like state, as if deep in a
meditation e1ercise.
.inally, our lady passenger could tolerate this no
longer. #he went over to the father and berated him in the
strongest language she could command for not e1erting
himself to control his insufferable children.
3(es, you6re right,4 he acknowledged very softly, his
voice almost choking. 3hey really should behave with
more consideration. 'e6re 7ust now returning from the
hospital, where their mother died two hours ago...4
his widespread human failing "of neglecting to look
below the surface "is the root cause of much of the
misery that people inflict both on themselves and upon
others. /t leads to hasty 7udgments and overly superficial
evaluations that wreak havoc with all kinds of social
relationships.
#ometimes, your failure to see further than your nose
can be corrected before too much damage is done.
:ccasionally, however, all the damage control in the
world won6t earn you forgiveness for an action based on
an erroneous assumption.
0umping to =wrongA conclusions happens on all kinds of
levels. +erhaps the lowest level is the case of a receiver
of a message understanding a word or phrase in a way
different from that which the initiator intended. :ften this
occurs because the person receiving misinterprets
17
nuances or inflections in the initiating person6s voice.
5onverbal gestures may also be misunderstood..
A person who was finding it difficult to read7ust to
normal life after a particularly tragic bereavement in the
family once sought the help of a professional counselor.
After a number of productive sessions, he woke up one
morning to find himself in a healthier and more rela1ed
state of mind.
here and then, he triumphantly promised himself that
henceforth he would try to manage without the
counselor6s support, and phoned her up to cancel his ne1t
appointment.
3*one,4 said the counselor. 3+robably it6s better that
way.4
As her client heard these words, he began to tremble
with shock, and before very long, began to slip back into
a state of depression. He had interpreted this statement
to mean that his counselor was losing interest in him.
&onse!uently, he thought, she was relieved to hear that
he would soon be off her back forever.
:f course, messages spoken over the telephone,
where the support of body language and other benefits of
face to face communication are lacking, are often easily
misinterpreted. +erhaps the counselor should have been
more careful in her choice of words, given the likely
conse!uences of a misunderstanding.
$ut all she had wanted to convey was her delight that
her client had progressed to that point. Her words had
been intended to encourage him, not to mask a secret
desire to wash her hands of him. 3/t6s better that way4 was
meant to be a praise for wanting to manage on his own.
As we interact with other people in our daily lives, all
the more so with those who are close to us, we need to
remain fully alert at all times to the danger of possible
misunderstandings.
#ometimes, unfortunately, personal interaction leads to
false trails and mistaken perceptions that go far beyond
the simple misunderstanding of words and phrases. he
conse!uences can be devastating, as we6ll see in the
ne1t chapter.
18

Chapter Four
How to Break a -eadlock
Apart from sleight of hand, one of the most powerful
tools in a con7urer6s bag of tricks is his ability to distract
the attention of his audience.
He might, for instance, spin an interesting yarn while
standing at one corner of the stage to force everybody to
look in his direction. At the same time, some action
crucial to the success of the act is taking place,
unnoticed, at the other corner.
*istractions that unwittingly but inevitably crop up in
interpersonal relationships aren6t usually deliberately
staged as they are in magic shows, but unfortunately,
they often have a similar effect.
#ometimes this effect can really be devastating, even
when we are dealing with two people who are very
important in each other6s lives. )ed herrings and false
trails lead to the misreading of facts and faulty
perceptions, which deflect our minds from the truth. 'hat
we get in the end are points of friction and serious conflict
that aren6t easily removed.
$ut this is no e1cuse to lose hope. #ources of conflict
can be removed, if only the will is there. he sole re!uired
ingredients for a successful operation are a generous
dose of humility and a readiness to put aside
preconceived ideas, in order to analyze the situation with
a cool head.
A mother was having a rough time with her BC"year"old
daughter, who persisted in being insolent and rude
despite numerous threats, warnings and punishments. o
make matters worse, the woman was e1pecting a new
baby soon, placing obvious further demands on her
physical and emotional resources.
19
A few weeks before the baby was due, the daughter
announced that she badly needed a new dress. Her
mother wasn6t about to go out of her way to give the girl
everything she demanded with a click of the fingers. $ut
she appreciated her daughter6s urgent need, and offered
cheerfully to go into town with her.
3'hat8 2o into town with you84 the girl snapped back.
35o thanks. (ou6re fat and ugly. And another thing: /6m
not interested in this baby of yours, and / won6t help you
after it6s born.
he mother raised her hand to do what many, if not
most, mothers would have done in that situation: reward
her daughter for her impudence with a hearty slap in the
face.
$ut something "she didn6t understand what it was at
first "held her back. /nstead, she looked the girl up and
down and then straight in the eye, thought deeply for a
few seconds, and said softly:
3/ see that you6re in pain. / love you. ell me what6s
bothering you.4
he girl looked back at her mother almost in disbelief
before bursting into tears: 3 / didn6t really mean to be
nasty. /t6s 7ust that...well, we have so little time together,
and we6ll have even less after the baby comes.4
5ow it was the mother6s turn to cry, but not for long. As
emotions and fears that had been pent up for too long
came tumbling out into the open at rapid pace, the two of
them were soon laughing together and feeling ever so
much better "together.
/t became clear, as they talked, that ma7or fears
relating to the whole sub7ect of pregnancy and childbirth
were preying on the girl6s mind. $esides, even though she
was looking forward to taking over responsibility for
household chores while her mother recuperated, she was
beginning to panic that she might not cope. hen again,
she was upset that they were already having less time
together.
wo family members were here locked in emotional
deadlock. +rospects for breaking the vicious circle
already seemed remote, even before the current incident.
20
/t might have seemed understandable enough had the
elder of the two followed through with an instinctive
reaction after the other6s latest rude outburst. $ut the
e1tra fuel that would have been added to the fire would
undoubtedly have precluded any kind of reconciliation for
a long time to come.
.ortunately, as it happens, the mother used something
/ would be tempted to call a 3secret weapon4 "if not that
we are talking about restoring love and respect, not
making war9
hat secret tool is the first step, and the last, in good
communication. /t6s the central ingredient in any effective
recipe for building, cementing or mending relationships.
'e call it empathy. %et6s now begin to e1plore it in all
its aspects.
21

Chapter Five
The "ower of imply +istening
A small group of heads of departments of a company
were travelling together with the &,: in a large motor
car. / was one of the departmental heads. 'e were on
our way to a corporate training seminar at a country
resort, a couple of hundred miles out of town.
*uring the 7ourney, the &,: brought us up to date
about an in ongoing problem that had been plaguing the
company for some time. He said that now that we were
all together with a long drive ahead of us, he would like to
know how we all viewed the situation and what ideas we
had for a solution.
As far as / remember, an initial two or three minutes of
silence followed as we all turned the topic over in our
minds. 'hat happened ne1t was very much like an
orchestra tuning up.
:ne e1ecutive broke the ice and began to make a
point. $ut she was scarcely two sentences into her
presentation when a colleague butted in "ostensibly to
correct a factual error, but almost immediately he went off
at a tangent to talk about a completely different aspect of
the problem.
He, in turn, was interrupted by a third member of the
group, and then a fourth, who raised her voice a few
decibels to make sure she came through loud and clear.
$ut the first two carried on regardless with their
monologues "and / use that term deliberately, since it6s
doubtful whether any of us was still listening to them at
this stage.
(es, their words did reach our ears, but that6s hardly
the same thing as listening. At the end of the 7ourney, /
22
doubt whether any of us could have repeated back or
summarized the suggestions or points of view of our
colleagues. A lot of noise, no communication.
A few weeks later, we met in the company boardroom
to deal with the same sub7ect. his time, the discussion
was far more orderly. 'e had gathered together under
the framework of a formal meeting with the traditional
rules, and participants who cut into the speech of their
colleagues would have been put in their place in no time.
(et for all that, / had a very real feeling of de7a vu.
,verybody spoke with such unmistakable enthusiasm
when putting across their own view. $ut alas, their later
comments made it !uite clear that while their bodies
might have remained in the boardroom while their
colleagues were taking the floor, their minds could have
been "well, who knows where9 Human nature perhaps,
but not corporate teamwork at its best.
/ think this episode underscores a human failing and
social malady that6s far more common than many of us
would dare to admit. ,fficiency in the workplace is one of
its victims. .amily and friendship bonds suffer from it in
even greater measure.
/ used to think "as many other writers do "that listening
was the most important of all communication skills.
5owadays, / realize that the ability to listen is only part of
the story. /t is but the first step in the all"important process
of creating and sustaining empathy.
(et, without that critical preparatory step, the rest
simply cannot follow.
/n fact, there are times when the simple act of listening
"active, sincere and wholehearted listening ; can, in and
of itself, work wonders you would not have dreamed of.
*r -ort :rman, a stress counselor, once led a
weekend communication seminar for a group of
e1perienced physicians. /t was held on the premises of
the hospital where they worked
:ne doctor was a rather reluctant attendee. He showed
up only because his department head had pressured him
to do so.
23
At one session, participants were paired up with
partners. :ne member of each pair was asked to play the
role of a patient with a problem. he partner played the
role of physician or counselor.
he catch was the 3doctors4 weren6t allowed to do or
say anything. heir 7ob was 7ust to sit and listen, while
their 3patients4 described their complaints and thought
aloud while trying to work out their own solution.
5ow, to tell a doctor to 7ust sit there and listen "without
as much as thinking what to do ; is usually asking an
awful lot. $ut the response of our reluctant participant
took everyone by surprise.
At the end of the e1periment, when everyone was
sharing their insights and e1periences, he raised his hand
and announced enthusiastically: 3'hat / learned from this
e1ercise is that / almost never listen to my patients9 /6m
mostly paying attention to the thoughts in my own head,
and / never really appreciated this until today.4
Apparently, this man was so e1cited by his new
awareness of self, that whenever there was a short break
in the remaining seminar proceedings, he would rush
upstairs to practice listening to his patients.
He would sit on the bed, ask a few !uestions, and then
listen intently. #o impressed was he with his newly"found
power "which he had possessed, without knowing it, all
along "that he would arrive late for the start of the
following session.
.or the first time, he felt he really understood what
made his patients tick "or why they weren6t ticking,
depending on which way you look at it.
(es, if doctors would listen to their patients better, they
would be better doctors. /f schoolteachers would pay
more attention to their pupils, they6d be better
schoolteachers. =he reverse, surely, hardly needs
mentioning9A $etter listening in the workplace would mean
greater productivity.
$ut nowhere does the inability or unwillingness to listen
have more far"reaching conse!uences than within the
confines of the family unit, as we6ll see in the ne1t
chapter.
24
Chapter Six
3irst Barrier to 4ntimacy
/magine this scenario: late one afternoon, 0ill, a young
newlywed, walks out of her third floor apartment with a
bag of garbage in her hand, to deposit it at the dump
outside. Her lively mind being preoccupied with a
thousand and one things, a little tear in the bag escapes
her notice.
As luck would have it, a very public"spirited neighbor
on the floor below walks out of her apartment 7ust at the
worst time. Her eyes are sharp, but her tongue is even
sharper. he verbal onslaught that follows leaves an
unsuspecting 0ill aghast and speechless.
3*id / really commit such a terrible crime84 0ill asks
herself, as she reels under the attack of the self"
appointed guardian of cleanliness in public areas. $ut she
takes comfort in the knowledge that her loving and
coolheaded husband is due home within the hour.
3.or sure, he6ll give me all the reassurances / need and
/6ll soon get my self"esteem back,4 she thinks, almost
subconsciously, as the color returns to her cheeks.
$ut little did 0ill know then that on that very afternoon
her new life partner, 0ack, had been involved in a nasty
altercation of his own. An une1pected showdown with the
boss had almost persuaded him to walk out of the 7ob.
He steps into what he believes will be a haven of
serenity that will be the perfect balm for his shattered
nerves. he words and sobs that tumble out from his
distraught wife6s mouth in rapid succession are hardly the
remedy that he had in mind.
0ack wants nothing more than to be seen as a good
husband, and he tries to feign as much interest as he
can. $ut he6s only human, and it6s only a matter of
minutes before he can no longer disguise the fact that his
mind is in a different place altogether.
25
<nderstandable, maybe even 7ustified8 (ou may well
think so, but let6s assume that 0ack had not been caught
up in a bitter scrap, but his day had been mildly stressful,
as many working days turn out to be. &an we be sure
that his reaction to 0ill6s immediate emotional need would
really have been much different8
And let6s imagine that he had actually en7oyed a
particularly good day: perhaps his boss had praised him
very highly for his e1ceptional contribution to a company
pro7ect. He arrives home and 0ill begins her recital.
$eing the astute young man that he is, and moreover,
being in a decidedly upbeat frame of mind, he is fully
confident he has pieced the whole thing together by the
time 0ill is only two or three sentences into her story. He
cuts her short:
3:D, rela1. 'hat6s the big deal, really8 /6ll take care of
that busybody94
32reat, but ...maybe what she said about me was right8
:n the other hand, don6t other people make the same
mistakes8 *o you really understand how / feel...4
3.or +ete6s sake, enough already9 $y the way, do / 7ust
have something to tell you94
/n recent years, many e1perts have written at length
about the kind of tension in communication we see here.
:ne authority calls men6s talk 3report talk4, while
woman6s talk is mainly 3rapport talk.4 /n other words, men
talk for a purpose: to e1change information, to impress
others, or to maintain their status. 'omen6s talk on the
other hand, is almost an end in itself: if there6s a purpose,
it is to create intimacy.
:f course, this merely describes the common situation,
and it doesn6t mean that we don6t have report"rapport
conflicts between two men or two women. /n any case,
it6s not the often"!uoted distinction between men and
women6s communication styles that / want to emphasize
here.
)ather, / devised this imaginary scene to illustrate
some other very important facts.
26
#ubtle strains can develop in the best of relationships
when the parties, however committed they may be, aren6t
sensitive enough to each others needs.
5eedless to add, this often happens because the one
who is suffering simply fails to communicate his or her
need to the other party. his can happen for a variety of
reasons, and we6ll e1plore some of them later in the book.
$ut what can be worse is when one partner does in fact
communicate, but the other fails to listen. his is not
always because the guilty party is unaware or unwilling,
or is impatient by nature, or is 7ust plain stubborn. /t could
also be because he or she 7ust hasn6t yet mastered the
necessary skill.
.or a skill it definitely is, even though we may think of it
as something as natural as breathing. %ike any other skill,
competency in listening is ac!uired through ten percent
learning and E? percent practice.
And the first and most important thing to learn, and
later to practice, is to carefully remove all barriers that
interfere with or inhibit the listening process. hese may
be e1ternal "background noise and distractions in the
immediate environment "and internal, such as bias,
pre7udice and preconceived notions, or they could be
unrelated thoughts and preoccupations that are
competing for your attention.
3&onversation in the <# is a competitive e1ercise in
which the first person to draw a breath is declared the
winner,4 a wag once wrote.
+resumably, he was an American, but this observation
probably holds good in many parts of the modern world.
Any society, community or family unit working towards a
change in the status !uo is particularly blessed.
$ut as we stressed above, a good listening techni!ue
should be only the first step in a more comple1 chain of
events. /t6s great when you go out of your way to
understand how others are feeling, how they perceive a
given situation, what is really troubling them so much.
27
However, without belittling what you6ve already
accomplished "and we see from *r :rman6s story how
much can indeed be accomplished that way "listening is
normally a part of the means to be a more important end.
%et6s proceed with our e1amination.
28
Chapter Seven
Closing the 3eedback +oop
/n the last chapter, we met a young lady with a
problem. 5ot everybody would have perceived it as such.
5evertheless, 0ill6s unfulfilled need to relieve the feeling of
outrage, the hurt and bewilderment and hurt welling up
inside her, was, in her eyes, as real a problem as any.
$y implication, we chided 0ill6s husband for letting his
own frustrations and impatience stand in the way of his
giving her the sympathetic ear she craved for.
/f only he had 7ust listened carefully, without allowing
distractions, to what she had to say9 his would have
been the first step towards helping her bounce back to
her normal vivacious self after the une1pected attack on
her self"esteem.
$ut probably, as / pointed out, only a first step.
5ormally, once you go out of your way to
understanding how others are feeling, how they perceive
a given situation, the fears and doubts that lead them to
react in the way they do, the process doesn6t stop there.
'ell at least, it shouldn6t.
-ost likely, you will respond (ou6ll communicate back
to the other parties your awareness of their feelings and
perceptions, your appreciation of their hopes, doubts and
fears.
(ou may not always agree that their position is
7ustified. $ut you6ll acknowledge the reality of how they
perceive things. (ou6ll e1press your understanding of
their position.
/f you do, you will have created or closed what some
writers like to call a 3feedback loop.4
29
o close a feedback loop re!uires validation of the
message your opposite number wants to convey to you.
(ou might disagree with its assumptions or conclusions,
but at least you will recognize the reality of the other
person6s point of view, as well as of the circumstances
that gave rise to it.
Here is a true incident to illustrate what might happen
when a feedback loop is not closed.
/t is a very e1treme e1ample , and it is very far from a
pretty story. $ut it does give us something to think about.
*uring 'ord 'ar wo, one cattle car after another,
transporting human cargo "under conditions far worse
than those under which the cattle, for whom the trucks
were originally made, are normally conveyed "arrived at
the Auschwitz death camp. errified, naked people were
driven with whips into the gas chambers.
$ut two young men managed to escape under a pile of
clothing that was being carted away in a truck. ,ven more
than the desire to save their own lives,. they were
motivated by the wish to warn their fellow 0ews of the
incredible scenes they had witnessed with their own eyes.
<nfortunately, hardly any one believed them. he few
who did were silenced as being crazy or lacking in faith.
,ventually, both young men committed suicide.
/ndeed, an e1treme, most tragic case. :f course, we
cannot condemn. 'ho knows how we would have
reacted had we been the listeners8
$ut shouldn6t we at least understand the added pain of
a spouse, child, friend or fellow worker who shares with
us something weighing very heavily on his or her mind,
and then finds that even though we might put up a show
of listening, our minds are light years away8
And to rub salt into the wounds, when we are finally
drawn back to earth and do decide to visibly respond,
more often than not it6s with a glib, perfunctory: 3*on6t
worry, everything will be :D94
'hat we usually don6t realize is that such a response
can be like pulling out a chair from under someone6s feet9
30
his is no e1aggeration. /t6s what6s likely to happen
when you e1press a feeling or idea and the person you
are speaking to contradicts or re7ects it. 'hen the
emotion happens to be an1iety, sorrow, fear or the like,
the re7ection can be e1tremely painful.
And surprisingly, the pain of re7ection can be even
more profound when you know that the other party has
good intentions and certainly bears no ill will towards you.
%et6s see how.
31
Chapter Eight
$hen 'inimi&ing is 'a5imi&ing
#ometimes you share something weighing heavily on
your heart with a friend or relative. :f course, she has no
malicious intent, and she tries to offer you some
encouragement, often firmly believing that she has
succeeded9
(et, in spite of herself, she fails miserably. (ou are left
feeling even worse. A young mother once visited an
older woman and confided how she felt trapped in her
house all day long.
3/6m so depressed,4 she wailed. 3/ resent my children
and snap at them when they make demands. / think
about death all the time.4
35onsense,4 retorted the older woman, 3these are the
best years of your life9 'hat6s wrong with you8 *on6t you
appreciate how wonderful it is to have healthy children8
(ou6re ungrateful, selfish and spoiled.4
*id the younger woman feel comforted or inspired8 :f
course not. #he fled the home of her hostess in tears.
A prolific writer on this sub7ect, -iriam Adahan, relates
in her book )t*s All a +ift how a friend6s eight"month"old
baby was undergoing treatment for cancer. -rs. Adahan
sat with the an1iety"stricken mother for hours, hearing
one visitor after another say: 3*on6t worry. He6s going to
be 7ust fine.4
'hen they were finally alone, her friend looked at her
through tearful eyes and said:
3*on6t they know how much their optimism hurts me8
*on6t they realize that they aren6t letting me talk about
what6s most on my mind "that he may not get better8 /t6s
like someone putting a hand over my mouth and
suffocating me. / have to lie and smile and say over and
32
over, 6:f course everything6s going to be fine6, which only
makes me feel worse. 'hy can6t these people stop with
their optimistic drivel and 7ust listen a little84
'hile you6ll always find a few folk who take pleasure in
being deliberately abusive, most people certainly don6t
mean to be cruel when they give pat answers. 'hy do
they do it, then8
#ometimes, the reason is !uite simple. heir hearts are
in the right place, but they lack the sensitivity to realize
that by minimizing people6s pain, they ma1imize it.
'hen they respond to a friend6s outburst of an1iety or
sorrow with: 3(ou6ll feel better tomorrow,4 or: 3*on6t worry,
time heals94 they don6t know that they may be giving the
message: 3here6s something very wrong with you for
complaining when there6s nothing to complain about94
he well"meaning advice: 30ust take a hot bath and
you6ll perk up94 could be interpreted to mean: 3'hy are
you talking to me8 (ou should have been able to figure
out the solution for yourself,4 or: 3'ell, other people seem
to manage in these situations.4
Another common reason for negative, invalidating
responses "and sometimes for 7ust no response at all "is
to cover up for our feelings of inade!uacy or despair.
#ometimes, we genuinely do want to show the other party
that we care, but we 7ust don6t know how9 -any of us,
when somebody close to us is undergoing a crisis, are
overwhelmed by such feelings of helplessness that if we
do respond at all, we do so in a way that turns out to be
inappropriate.
.or e1ample, a woman is waiting the results of a biopsy
after her doctor suspects a malignancy. #he is scared
stiff, but her husband insists that there6s absolutely
nothing to worry about. His assurances don6t make her
feel any betterF on the contrary, a growing feeling that
she6s now on her own increases her sense of panic.
,ventually "if she is wise "she turns to him and says:
3/ appreciate your trying to cheer me up. $ut you know, it
7ust makes me feel more alone. /f you would validate me,
7ust give me some sign that you understand my fears, /
would feel better.4
33
/t might then come as a big surprise if her husband
confesses:
3(ou know something, / also feel alone. / guess /6m
also terrified over the tests. #o it6s much easier to fool
myself that there6s nothing to be concerned about
anyway, and / make you believe it too. (ou6re right, it
doesn6t help either of us. he reality is / do know what
you6re going through. +robably everything will indeed be
:D, but even if not, /6m standing right behind you...4
/f someone important in your life insists on invalidating
you whenever you open your mouth =or even if less
often9A, try using the same techni!ue as the lady with the
suspected malignancy tried with her husband. ell your
friend or partner what you would have liked him or her to
have said in a specific situation.
&hances are you6ll be pleasantly surprised how !uickly
the messages gets through. =/f, despite your best efforts,
nothing seems to help, don6t despair. 'e6ll have
something to say about such cases later.A
&losing feedback loops is essential for the survival of
even a casual friendship, let alone a relationship you are
trying to deepen and make more meaningful. 'herever
people feel free to share their deepest feelings, secure in
the knowledge that they will be understood and accepted,
the ground is most fertile for the growth of trust, respect
and love.
A word of caution, though. /f you are making a
validating statement almost as an automatic refle1, you
might be asking for trouble. ,ffective listening, as we
described it in the last chapter, has to precede any
attempt to create a feedback loop.
wo people can have the same e1perience and yet
react incompletely opposite ways. +ositive but knee"7erk
responses can hurt 7ust as much as negative ones.
#trangely, sometimes even sympathy can be perceived
as invalidation. 'ithout a serious and unhurried attempt
to see an event from the point of view of the person
you6re interacting with and to understand e1actly why it
moves her as it does, your best efforts can backfire.
5ow we must look more closely at how we can arrive at
such an understanding in practice.
34
Chapter Nine
4mmersing in %nother7s $orld
/n &hapter .our, we met a 3difficult4 teenager
embroiled in an emotional tug"of"war with her e1pectant
mother, who managed, when all seemed lost, to break
the deadlock with a 3secret weapon4. 'e called it
empathy.
'e have 7ust been talking about validation. ,mpathy is,
in effect, validation in its most intense form. /t6s about
closing a feedback loop in high gear.
,mpathy is born when you listen, not 7ust with your
ears, but with the depths of your heart. ,mpathy
flourishes when you push aside your own interests without
necessarily surrendering them "to immerse
yourself in the world of another.
,mpathy is the very essence of authentic love. /t is the
primary medium through which loves works such wonders
in this world.
-any people confuse empathy with sympathy. -y
dictionary defines 3sympathy4 as 3a sharing of another
person6s sorrow or trouble.4 Another common definition
is: 3a feeling or an e1pression of pity or sorrow for the
distress of another.4
5ow, empathy surely includes the concepts of sharing
and pity, but even if you knew almost nothing about
empathy before opening this book, you will probably
sensed by now that it goes much, much further.
According to my dictionary, empathy is 3the !uality or
process of entering fully, through imagination, into
another6s feelings or motives.4 =:ther dictionaries will give
their own definitions, but they should all come down to
the same thing.A
35
/n the fullest sense, empathy implies putting yourself
into other people6s shoes, or even getting under their
skin, so that you can really understand their pain, fear "or
more positively "their fears.
/n brief, empathy is sympathy plus =that is, plus a lot
moreA.
-ary is a housewife "or home manager as some would
prefer to call it "with a brood of healthy little children.
-aybe they6re a little too healthy, for keeping them in
check is far more than a full time 7ob on its own. #he6s
also trying to set up a home business, and, as if that6s not
enough, has involved herself in various community
pro7ects.
Her husband comes home at the end of a long. %ong
day. :f course, she would have loved to give him the
warm welcome he deserves, but all she manages to utter,
and then with difficulty, is a plaintive 3+hew, am /
e1hausted94
Her spouse looks at her for a moment with a certain
measure of compassion, then responds gently but firmly:
3/6ve told you before you6re taking on too much. Half of the
work you do is totally unnecessary.4
5ow, in some ways, -ary may be a little better off than
the poor woman who was repeatedly told that her medical
fears were unfounded. -ary6s husband, at least, has not
swept her problem under the carpet.
$ut for all that, 7ust like her counterpart in the other
story, she doesn6t feel any better :n the contrary, she
feels worse..
his does not mean that, some other time, she would
not have appreciated her husband6s well meaning advice.
$ut certainly not now. At this moment, what she was
longing to hear was something like: 3(ep, you look so
tired. /t must have been a really rough day. 'hy don6t you
rela1 a little while / attend to the kids84
-ary, fortunately, is a mature and emotionally stable
adult. #he understands her hubby6s good intentions. -ost
likely, she won6t take the whole thing too much to heart.
36
$ut a young child, for instance, might have been far
more vulnerable. Actually, it6s !uite surprising how the
-ary6s of this world often don6t give their own children the
understanding they e1pect from others.
%et6s say you want little 0ohnny to drink up his milk, his
7uice, or whatever else you want him to imbibe. (ou
believe it6s good for him.
3(ikes9 his stuff tastes awful94 he protests.
How do you react8 *o you tell him, 3Aw..come
on...everybody thinks its delicious94 or perhaps, 3*on6t
e1aggerate, it6s not so bad948
/f you do, what6s the inevitable outcome8 /f you6ve been
a parent for long, you know yourself. +arents with
e1perience know that to stand any chance of success,
they have to face facts. hey have to respond in a
different way:
3he milk tastes bad to you84
,1cellent9 $ut what6s happening here8
he parent hasn6t stated that she agrees with the child.
$ut in five or si1 words, she has acknowledged how she
feels. #he has validated his concern. Having come this
far, she can continue:
3/ know it6s not nice to drink something you don6t like.
o be honest, / wouldn6t like to either, so / understand
that it6s unpleasant. $ut the point is, we want you to grow
up healthy and strong. %et6s put some flavoring in it so it
will taste better.4
Here we see a negotiating strategy simple in essence,
but with countless applications in interpersonal relations.
'e also see that it6s a strategy anchored firmly in
empathy. hat is the secret of its successes.
/n the ne1t chapter, we6ll try to understand a little better
how this works.
37
Chapter Ten
.mpathy is 8ing#
/t6s a sad commentary on our society that it has taken
tragic upheavals in our public schools for educators to
give priority to the teaching of empathy skills.
Horrible incidents, in which students hurt others
through violence, have precipitated a worrisome
conclusion: children who have been teased, made fun of,
harassed and put down, finally reach such levels of
frustration that they e1plode in acts of violence.
$etter late than never, of course, and thankfully, many
teachers are now turning to the disease rather than the
symptoms. hey are trying to reverse the conditions that
lead to someone feeling such emotional pain and
hopelessness in the first place. hey are doing this by
training their charges to vicariously feel what their
classmates are feeling.
/n the work environment, too, we often see that an
absence of empathy has a crippling effect. .ew other
things have the potential to impact so negatively on
productivity and performance.
/ was brought up in #outh Africa, where paternalism or
patronization towards the underprivileged class used to
be, unfortunately, a common behavioral pattern.
&ommunication with subordinates "if they happened to
belong to this unfortunate stratum of society "was often
limited to abrupt commands that were either loud and
offensive, or pretentious and patronizing. Housewives
would sometimes insist on being addressed by their
domestic servants as 3-adam.4 hey would issue such
inane instructions as 3-adam would like some tea
now...please bring it to -adam.4
he hapless servant, long accustomed to being treated
as a child, would often show his or her insecurity by being
e1cessively polite or flattering. He would then be accused
38
of hypocrisy or calculating behavior. /f on the other hand,
he would speak confidently and correctly, he would be
branded as an upstart, showing impudence and
arrogance.
he amazing thing was that the employer, as far
removed from the servant6s fears, aspirations and
uncertainties as the moon is to the earth, would scratch
his head and wonder why the poor laborer never took any
pride in his work.
'e have seen that people trying to cope with
particularly harrowing e1periences in their lives, often get
very upset when friends or loved ones are not empathetic
enough to validate their an1ieties.
3/f only folk would acknowledge the truth, rather than
showering me with glib reassurances that everything will
be :D, /6d feel much better,4 a businessman who had lost
hundreds of thousands in a stock market crash
confessed.
/6d like now to tell you a true story that6s especially
fascinating because it seems, at first glance, to directly
contradict the principle of validating people6s concerns.
However, if you read it carefully and think about it for
long enough, you6ll surely realize that it6s a classic
illustration of real empathy. /f you don6t agree, perhaps
you haven6t truly grasped what the concept means.
A high"ranking 7udge once suffered a sudden heart
attack in the middle of a litigation in court. 'hen he
arrived at the emergency ward, a doctor, who knew and
respected the very eminent new patient, e1amined him.
he 7udge, completely overwhelmed, an1iously asked
the doctor about his condition.
35othing to worry about at all4, replied the doctor,
soothingly. 3(ou are 7ust overworked. (ou have to rest
up.4
At the end of a very protracted e1amination, the staff
brought in a stretcher along with some very ominous
looking medical apparatus. he 7udge was then hooked
up to e!uipment to which all sorts of tubes and gadgets
were attached.
39
he attendants pushed him briskly down a long corridor
and straight through a doorway above which hung a bold
sign: 3#trictly 5o ,ntry "/ntensive &are 'ard.4
he 7udge, of course, was nobody6s fool. After all, his
very vocation involved critically analyzing situations every
day and ferreting out the truth.
'hen the doctor came over to him again, his learned
patient asked him pointblank: 3'hy did you deceive me84
3(ou really aren6t very sick,4 answered the doctor,
surprisingly. 3$ut /6m confronted with dozens of ethical
and legal !uestions every day, and / have no one to ask. /
thought it would be nice to have you near me for a while,
so you can answer my !uestions94
3And why are all these fancy machines attached to
me84 asked the 7udge very skeptically.
3*o you need to have a nurse run over to you every
minute8 his way, she can see everything from her desk.
And anyway, what difference does it make to you84
he 7udge was in hospital for three weeks, but he
responded well to treatment. After his discharge, he
recounted his e1periences to his friends and colleagues:
3he doctor continuously and consistently lied to me,4
he told them. 3$ut his lies cured me more than all the
medicine they gave me.4
,mpathy at it6s finest9
he course of any human being6s life is inevitably
punctuated with suddenly"occurring or chronic problems,
tensions, ma7or or minor crises of different kinds. /f a
person is part of a relationship of any kind, his or her
peculiar tensions, or personal handicaps and difficulties,
cannot but impinge on that relationship.
How the partners relate to those tensions and stresses
will have a critical influence on how productive or
satisfying the relationship will turn out to be.
40
his applies whether we6re talking of a relatively casual
relationship of work associates, the relationship between
friends, or a relationship on a more intimate level.
'hichever it is, empathy is the oil that turns the wheels.
/n a very real sense, empathy is king9
5ow we are ready to investigate how we can apply all
this in practice. 'e6ll begin with a close look "hopefully,
not too close for comfort "at the institution of marriage.
41
Chapter Eleven
"leasure : 4nstant or +asting;
0oe and #ue were successful professionals who had
been married a short time. hey were busy settling into
the dream house that they had bought in the
neighborhood where 0oe had been living for most of his
life.
'hereas 0oe6s daily routine had remained pretty much
unchanged, #ue6s changed dramatically. A dedicated
career woman of many years standing, she had taken
leave of absence from her e1ecutive post to set up home.
he neighborhood was entirely new to her.
(es, #ue was en7oying her new role very much, and
yes, she cared for her new husband more than words can
describe. $ut the change overwhelmed her. Against her
better inclinations, she found herself longing for the old
routine. 'illy"nilly, the feeling grew so strong that one day
she announced to 0oe that she wanted to leave "and not
7ust for a few hours.
'ithout hesitation, 0oe asked her very firmly to sit
down, looked her straight in the eye, and said: 3/6m not
letting you go anywhere9 'e6ll work this out together.4
5ow, in other circumstances, 0oe6s !uick and decisive
action could have been interpreted as a maneuver to
assert authority.
$ut this was not a control issue. /t was a case of one
party telling the other: 3%ook, /6m fully committed to you
and to our partnership. 5othing in the world can change
that. %et6s put our heads together and we6ll find a solution
that works.4
As it turned out, both of them found this moment of
truth very liberating. #ecure in 0oe6s commitment to her
and their marriage, #ue was able to lift up her eyes above
the barrier of her impulsive panic. #he went back to work
42
part time. .red found ways to incorporate more time for
his wife into his schedule. .rom that point on, things only
got better.
-ay / digress slightly for a moment8
he ne1t couple of chapters will focus on the marriage
relationship. / know that marriage may not necessarily be
the 3in4 thing in some sectors of society nowadays.
.or your part, you may possibly view the marital bond
as a fast vanishing relic of a bygone era, rapidly being
replaced by the more fashionable "and allegedly more
3practical4 "custom of 3shacking up4. /sn6t it 7ust great to
have all the pleasures and privileges without the
corresponding commitment8
(ou should be aware, therefore, that /6m a big fan of
the classic institution of marriage. / really believe in it. / go
as far as to assert that it6s the cornerstone of a stable
society, or the pillar on which it rests. hat is to say,
eliminate marriage, and society itself will eventually
crumble. /f you really open your eyes, you will notice that
it6s beginning to happen already.
However, /6m not here to preach to you or convert you.
/f you agree with me, fine. (ou6ll know as well as
anybody that beauty is really great, pleasure is terrific.
$ut you6ll know something else in addition: if you want an
intimate relationship to last, to be meaningful, to grow
stronger rather than weaker, you also need commitment.
here6s 7ust no other way.
#ure, you will also know "let us not deny it "that even
with all the commitment in the world, a marital relationship
is not the fairy tale that you dreamed about in a previous,
more naGve, life. 'ho works hard in fairy tales8 And
marriage is hard work. Hery much so.
5onetheless, if you6ve been active in the trenches long
enough and have survived a challenge or two, you don6t
need any convincing on the eventual supreme delights of
a sound marriage partnership. <ltimately, it gets better
than the most romantic fairy tale. A hundred times better.
43
$ut if you don6t !uite see eye to eye with me on this
score, that6s also fine. / believe you6ll still find here food
for thought to apply to your own situation. he marriage
bond may be ; in my view "the relationship par
e1cellence, but you should find the ideas and insights
we6re about to discuss here largely relevant to other types
of relationship as well.
ake commitment. *uring your schooldays, you
probably benefited from all kinds of friendships. (ou had
pals whose company you en7oyed on the occasional night
out in town or who played in your sports team. (our
contact with them may have been sporadic and your
relationship with them relatively superficial. $ut with other
friends, it was different. /n good times and bad, they were
there with not only with you, but for you9
wenty years or half a century down the line, which of
these former classmates would you love to meet up with
again, if you were given the opportunity8
'e6re all well aware, too, of commitment6s crucial role
in business and the workplace. 'e don6t give a dog6s
chance to a company that6s not fully committed to its
customers. 5ot any less important is the strong mutual
feeling of loyalty and commitment that should e1ist
between the company and its employees. he benefits to
both are obvious and can hardly ever be overestimated.
&oming back to our story, #ue6s perceived dilemma,
her panicky feeling that she was trapped in a situation
she hadn6t bargained for, is not at all untypical. he doubt
or panic comes in different forms. #ome of us e1perience
it early in marriage, and others much later. +robably it all
sounds familiar to you.
And if truth be told "it6s all perfectly natural9
+erhaps the whole world admires your wife for her
talents and her charm, but frankly, you no longer
understand what the fuss is about. +erhaps your husband
is loyal, dependable and ready to fulfill your every whim,
but oh, he6s so une1citing. /n other case, not !uite what
you feel you signed up for on the day of the wedding...
44
/ once knew a fine, very idealistic young lady =/6ll call
her -arthaA who lived more for other people than for
herself. /n fact, one of the reasons why she was attracted
to #id, the man who was to become her husband, was
that for many years he had been very involved in
community activism and welfare work in his spare time.
/n the first weeks and months of marriage, she was
apparently !uite surprised to see some ma7or changes in
#id6s after"work routine. Hery understandably "at least,
many people would have thought so "he cut back sharply
on his community volunteering in order to spend time with
his new wife.
-artha, for her part, was flattered enough by his
attention and grateful for his devoted help around the
house. <nfortunately, her pleasure was marred by an
inner conflict: what she had wanted in a husband was a
sort of public hero "a man whose life revolved around his
community, not around his hearth and home9
*id -artha manage to resolve the conflict8 (es, she
did, and very successfully, but we6ll return to that later.
.or the moment, it6s enough to note the e1treme
comple1ity and sensitivity of the marriage dynamic, and
the wide range of internal conflicts, doubts, frustrations
and difficulties that threaten its stability.
/t6s not easy. $ut when our children are frustrating and
difficult, we don6t abandon them. #hould our spouses barring
e1treme situations that re!uire drastic measures be
treated differently8
/n today6s world, almost everything we use "from
diapers and paper plates to computers built for 3planned
obsolescence4 "is disposable. /t takes a dramatic shift in
gears to understand and internalize the meaning of
commitment.
$ut we6re mature people, and we know "or should
know "there are never worthwhile dividends without a
significant investment. &ommitment is not only a basic
ingredient of happy and lasting relationships, but also a
key to success and productivity in almost any of life6s
undertakings.
45
2iven the undoubted benefits, its surprising that many
of us are still struggling with the concept of commitment in
relationships. 'hy is this so8 'hen problems arise, why,
instead of working responsibly towards a solution, do we
plum for simply opting out "for taking the path of least
resistance8
:ne reason is our negative and unproductive attitudes.
Another is the misconceptions that abound regarding the
very nature of relationships.
%et6s investigate this further.
46

Chapter Twelve
Give...and Give Again!
A woman once visited a counselor to ask a !uestion
about her marriage. he !uestion itself is interesting and
the answer her advisor gave her even more so. / suspect
that many people would disagree with it, and some even
take strong e1ception to it.
+ersonally, / think the counselor was spot on.
#arah, the !uestioner6s, husband, 0ohn, had been
married before. 0ohn had to pay a certain sum every
month as alimony. He had 7ust started a new business
and was passing through a very sticky patch, financially
speaking.
he obligation to his e1"wife, coming on top of a
thousand other things, was putting 0ohn under enormous
pressure. #arah was a working person and gladly helped
to pay the family debts. #he never thought twice about it
$ut should she be e1pected to contribute in this special
case8 #omehow, it 7ust didn6t seem right.
#urely, reasoned #arah, her husband6s financial
commitment to a previous spouse had nothing to do with
her8 (es, she and 0ohn were life partners and she was
more than happy to share all his burdens. $ut even for
what happened in a previous life, so to speak8 'asn6t
that going to far8
3/ must confess / don6t really understand your
!uestion,4 the counselor gently told #arah after listening
intently to her dilemma.
3(ou and 0ohn are husband and wife. 0ohn has a debt.
He6s struggling to pay it. 'hat difference does it make
what the debt is for8 /t6s a debt, period9 His problems are
your problems. (ou6re in this together. 'hy on earth
shouldn6t you help to pay the debt84
47
he counselor paused and appeared to be deep in
thought for a few seconds. hen, ignoring #arah6s
puzzled looks, she added in a tone of uncompromising
finality:
3/f, after all, it6s difficult for you to accept this, it must be
that there6s some deeper problem in your marriage...4
/ would say there6s a very powerful message here
indeed. All the same, / don6t want you to misunderstand
the counselor "or me. #o let6s take a closer look at her
comments and make sure that we have placed everything
in the proper perspective.
-y first point should be obvious, but / have to stress it
7ust in case. #he wasn6t implying, by any means, that
0ohn was now given a license to sit back, put his legs up,
and engage in rela1ing contemplation about the higher
meaning of life "all while his dear and ever obliging
spouse works like a donkey to pay the price of his past.
After all, it was his past, and his debt.
A second and related point is that, when we talk about
husband and wife being full partners in the business of
living, about sharing each other6s burdens, financial or
otherwise, no less than each other6s 7oys, we are not
saying for one moment that either party must contribute
more than is reasonable.
/n the case of our story, #arah was a high"earning
professional. /n other instances, a wife, or even a
husband, may bring in little or no income, for any of a
number of reasons. /n fact, it may not be desirable that
she be working at all. :ne or other marriage partner may
be limited in other ways.
$ut that hardly changes what /6m trying to put across
here. 'e6re talking of !uality, rather than !uantity. :ne
can only do what one can, but it6s the real desire to help
that counts. hat6s what really makes the difference. And
who said contributing means only money8
#hall / let you in on a little secret8 / don6t really like the
use of the word 3partner4 in connection with marriage.
48
rue, / do use it often, for want of a better term. <p to a
point, it serves a good purpose, because a 3partnership66
does, in a certain sense, describe a marriage relationship,
even a good one.
After all, we refer to parties who share a common
interest in or responsibility for an enterprise as 3partners4,
and here we are dealing with two partners "normally, life
partners "who have contracted in to the enterprise of
their own marriage.
(et, therein lies my problem. / hardly think that an ideal
marriage relationship is a 3partnership4 in the same way
that we talk about a business partnership or anything
similar. Hery far from it.
'hy8 'hen we think of a partnership, we usually think
about a formal, or even informal, contract between two
parties. #omething like a C?"C sharing of duties and
responsibilities. Any benefits arising are then strictly
proportional to the burden shouldered. /f the emphasis is
on sharing, it6s on sharing e!ually. As you put in, so you
shall take out.
/s this marriage8 ,mphatically, no9
/ know this may sound confusing, but let me put it this
way. *o you have children8 /f so, do you love them8
3Absolutely94 / can hear you e1claim. (ou might well go
on to say:
3*o you know how / love them8 0ust look at all the
sacrifices we made for them. .rom the very moment they
came into this world, my spouse and / gave them our all9
0ust as much as whimper from them in the middle of the
night, and we were there to attend to their every need9
,ven now, they may disappoint us, anger us or hurt us,
but we continue to cater to their slightest whim9
35ow, do you need any greater proof that we love
them84
2ood. $ut why, precisely have you done so much for
them8 /s it because you love them so much8
49
&ould be. $ut even more, / would say it6s the other way
round. (ou love them so intensely $,&A<#, you6ve
done so much for them9
his is nothing more or less than human nature. his is
so much we can learn from this, if only we would think
about it very carefully.
#ometimes, when two people begin to think about
marrying each other, they think in terms of some business
arrangement. 'hether they verbally e1press it that way or
not, their minds work something along these lines:
3(ou have needs and / have needs. -aybe, if / satisfy
yours, you will satisfy mine. %et6s see what deal we can
work out..
3(ou wash the dishes, and /6ll pay the rent. #undays to
uesdays /6ll take out the garbage, and for the remainder
of the week you will. :ther duties will be divided by
mutual consent. .or very suit / buy, you can buy two pairs
of shoes...4
/s this the marriage you want...really8 /f so, :D, good
luck to you. (ou6re probably in very good company9
$ut a big !uestion still remains: how happy will you
really be8
/ read recently about a woman who, having been
wedded a short while and having reluctantly concluded
that married life was not all that it was cracked up to be,
complained to an older and more e1perienced friend:
3#houldn6t my husband be going all out to please me8 /
mean, what6s the point of getting married if he doesn6t
give me all the love / need8 / might as well have
remained single.4
#he must have been taken aback !uite a bit with her
friend6s brief but firm reply:
3 %ove is not a scorecard on which each side tallies
what he or she is doing for the other. /f you6re so
obsessed with love, your only concern would be what you
can do for him...4
50
he C?"C? +rinciple may look good in marriage
manuals, but it has nothing to do with fruitful, satisfying
relationships in real life.
-any people will tell you that for a happy marriage, you
need what they describe as 3give"and"take.4 2ive"andtake8
-ore likely, that6s a recipe for disaster, not
happiness.
'hat you need is 3give and give4. And give again. And
again9
/ don6t deny that the best 3recipe66 can be abused by a
manipulative partner, but e1ceptional situations do not
disprove good rules.
/n a normal relationship 3give and give4 is, without the
slightest doubt, the royal road to happiness.
-any couples know this instinctively, whether they
admit it "to themselves and others "or not. 'hy then,
are they so slow in applying the golden rule in practice8
'e6ll discuss this in the ne1t chapter.
51
Chapter Thirteen
3ast Track to Hell
he following tale is entirely imaginary. As always, /6m
only relating it because it conveys, / believe, a very
important message. #o often, one story can drive a point
home more effectively than thousands of words of
moralizing.
+eter and Date had been married for ten years or
more, and they were always s!uabbling. /t was a daily
routine: either +eter was insulting Date, or she was
insulting him. /n private or public, it appeared to make
little differenceF each trying to find a 7uicier epithet still to
hurl at the other.
heir friends were more than mildly irritated by this
unseemly behavior, but they had long given up any
attempts at reforming them. /f that6s how +eter and Date
wanted to live their lives, they reasoned, the choice was
theirs. /t was only to be wondered at that they were still
together after all these years, and their friends were at
least thankful for that.
hen came the bombshell that would have shattered
the peace "had there been such a thing9
#omething of a medical nature had been bothering
Date for a while, until she realized she couldn6t put off a
visit to the doctor any longer. ,ven then, she was hardly
e1pecting anything dramatic. #o you can imagine how
she felt when her doctor told her:
3Date, / don6t want to frighten you, but this is serious,
possibly even life threatening. .ortunately, time is still on
our side. .ollow the treatment program to the letter, and
hopefully, the danger will be averted. 'e6ll assess
everything again in two months. -eanwhile, get plenty of
rest...and keep praying.4
52
*o you think there was any bickering in that household
over the ne1t two months8 5o way9 +eter6s single"minded
concern for his wife6s health and comfort, if predictable,
was complete. /f Date, her body racked with pain, did
allow an occasional hurtful remark to pass her lips, +eter
found it fairly easy to ignore it.
And ironically, this was, in some ways, the happiest
period of the marriage9
A blissful feeling of intimacy, such as neither partner
had dreamed possible, enveloped the unsuspecting
couple. +eter6s obsession with Date6s wellbeing left him
no time for e1traneous thoughts, and Date6s appreciation
and admiration grew stronger day by day.
At the appointed time, they were back at the doctor6s.
/magine the overwhelming relief when he pronounced:
3he danger6s over94
And when the ne1t day dawned "it was back to
business as usual9 +etty bickering, name"calling, all kinds
of verbal barbs and arrows. 'ell, each to their own kind9
$ut what is really going on here8 &an a man and
woman who spend their days in abusive mode, fighting
each other tooth and nail, claim to be content in a
perverse sort of way8 How could a couple who had
reached such heights slip back to s!uare one literally
overnight8
'ell, it all boils down to one critical word of three
letters. 'e call it the ,go. /t6s an intangible, somewhat
elusive, component of the human psyche that6s directly
or indirectly responsible for more of the misery in this
world than you might have ever imagined.
-oreover, /6m not only referring to misery inflicted on
other people. (our ,go, when it6s not channeled the way
it should be, can so easily become an endless source of
pain and unhappiness for you yourself9
/ntrinsically, the ,go is not necessarily a bad thing.
Iuite the contrary. /f by 3,go4 we mean something like
3self"esteem4, it6s indispensable. -any educated people
53
opine that we can6t start to love others until we love
ourselves first. hat6s perfectly true "if we6re talking
about the right kind of self"love.
$ut if 3my ,go4 means my needs, my honor, my
sensitivities and my dignity always comes first =and
probably also middle and lastA, we6re taking the fast track
to despair and destruction.
/magine that the /nternal )evenue #ervice in your
country claimed that you owe JB??? in ta1 arrears. (ou
dispute this, and you challenge the ta1 people in court,
but the court rules that they are right. ,specially if you6re
a person of substantial means, you6d pay up with a shrug
of the shoulders, tell yourself you can6t win all the time,
and forget all about it pretty !uickly.
5ow let6s assume that instead of the government, an
ac!uaintance, even a good friend, alleges that you are in
his debt, for whatever reason, for the same sum of
money.
Again, you go to court. (our alleged creditor pleads his
case, you plead yours. he 7udge decides in his favor,
and e1plains to you very patiently why the money
rightfully belongs to your opponent. How do you react to
your loss now 8 +robably, even if you6re very wealthy,
you6re not about to shrug it off so !uickly this time9
'hy not8 $ecause you6re not 7ust losing money, but
someone else is gaining at your e1pense. /f there6s
anything worse than a property loss, it6s an ,go loss9 .or
most of us that6s something e1tremely difficult to stomach9
/ have a sneaking suspicion that, deep down, +eter
loves Date and Date loves +eter. /f one would disappear
from the other6s life, the abandoned one would suffer no
end. hen why don6t they live in peace together8 hat
three"letter word does all the damage.
he ,go that insists that /6m right, that will not yield on
the most trivial issue. he ,go that demands the honor
that6s due to me. he ,go that pursues 7ustice at all costs,
irrespective of everything that it knocks down in that way.
And to think that for the sake of that pompous ass of an
,go, we6re prepared to sacrifice what is nearest and
dearest to us9
54
/n the ne1t two chapters, we6ll e1plore this topic a little
more, and offer suggestions on how to banish the ,go
=the obno1ious, not the positive side of itA, from our lives
for ever9
.
55
Chapter Fourteen
ay< $hat7s =n Your 'ind;
/ wrote that we6ll begin to discuss ways of taming the
destructive side of the ,go in this chapter. .irst, though, /
want to return to one of the basic ideas we touched on
earlier: how poor communication =or worse still, not
communicating at allA can cause unnecessary suffering.
#tan is an incurable romantic. ,ver since he started
courting -arge seriously, he has been sending or
bringing her flowers. *uring the couple of weeks leading
up to their wedding, he sent her a different arrangement
every day. He continued this practice every .riday for a
long time thereafter.
-arge had never been very much inclined towards
sentimentalism and thought of herself as a strictly
practical type. $ut it took several years for her to find the
courage to speak up:
3(ou know, #tan, / really love you and / think it6s terrific
that you want to bring me flowers and you never miss a
week, come hell or high water. $ut you know, /6m not
really mad about flowers that much. $esides, they die so
soon afterward that / feel guilty that we6re wasting our
money. /f you insist on buying me something, /6d rather
you saved up for a more lasting gift...4
his is a trivial case =fortunatelyA, but if you6re unable to
tell your relationship partner what6s on your mind in small
matters, it6s unlikely that you6ll feel comfortable doing so
in ma7or areas of concern.
Hurt and angry couples often tell counselors 3he should
have known...4 or 3she should have realized....4 when
things are already at breaking point. $ut they don6t
e1plain how he should known, or how she should have
realized. /s he or she a clairvoyant8 *id anybody actually
tell him or her8
56
his approach is comparable to that of someone who
never makes grocery lists before she goes to the
supermarket, but relies on her intuition. After eight
shopping e1peditions, she might have si1 bottles of
etchup in her refrigerator. At other times, her family may
have to go weeks on end without butter.
/n intimate relationships, such an approach to life can
be disastrous. 5ever rely on your intuition, and even less
so, the intuition of your partner. Ask your soul mate
what6s on his or her mind, and don6t be shy to tell him or
her what6s on yours9
:f course, there are also cases where, rather than
simple neglect, deeper reasons lie behind the failure to
communicate.
#imon comes from a family that was not only affluent,
but also very stiff and formal, almost aristocratic, in its
orientation. he house was spotlessly clean right around
the clock. he dinner table was set every night with the
finest !uality silverware. .amily members rarely raised
their voices. ,1cessive emotion was strictly discouraged.
'hen #imon married Heronica, he took it for granted
that the same kind of regimen would carry over into his
own home.
Heronica, however, was a scion of a far more
easygoing household. Her parent6s home was almost
always packed to the brim with relatives and guests. 'ith
all the bustle and commotion, order and cleanliness had
to take second place. At mealtime, paper plates were the
norm. ,motional outbursts were common. he children
often screamed 7ust to get themselves heard.
he opposing temperaments of these two may well
have been one of the reasons they were attracted to each
other in the first place. $ut Heronica, like #imon, came to
the marriage with an underlying emotional e1pectation
that her home would be run as her parent6s home had
been. +ossibly, she feels it only subconsciously.
*oes this mean that #imon and Heronica are now
doomed to live out their days in, at best, an uneasy
relationship punctuated with periodic flare"ups8
57
5o, not necessarily, but the danger is there.
#ometimes, in a situation like this, the partners are 7ust
not aware enough, or don6t want to be, of where their
opposite number is coming from.
#urprisingly, 7ust as often they fail to recognize their
own backgrounds. hey know how they grew up, of
course, but they don6t appreciate how their early years
influence their attitudes as adults. hey 7ust can6t see how
their own childhood e1periences contribute to their
irritability and impatience at the 3strange4 behavior of their
spouses.
hen again, even if they do become aware of these
things, +ublic ,nemy 5umber :ne "the destructive ,go is
often waiting in the wings, ready to pounce and take
control of the situation.
3(ou6ve had your way all your life,4 it whispers in your
ear, 3so there6s no earthly reason to change now. #tick to
your gunsF why must you always be the one to yield8
(our partner knew very well who you are when he =or
sheA agreed to marry you94
.ortunately, it doesn6t have to end up that way. -any a
successful marriage union has been built on the
seemingly shaky foundation of two partners who enter the
relationship with divergent e1pectations or contrasting
perspectives on how the world should be run.
'hat are the success secrets of these fortunate
couples8 'hat are the re!uirements for happiness in a
relationship where the potential for conflict, right from the
very start, is inevitably high8
#elf"awareness is one such re!uirement. (ou have to
be sure in your own mind who you are, what you stand
for, where you have come from and where you are going.
,ven more, you have to distinguish between lifestyle
practices of various types. :n the one hand, you have
principles that are central to your philosophy of life and
cannot be compromised. :n the other, you may have
merely become habituated to doing some things in
certain ways, with your ,go being the only force standing
in the way of change.
58
&learly, a healthy sense of humor would be another
3success secret4. 5o doubt, #imon and -artha6s vastly
different home backgrounds led to a lot of friction after the
wedding, without either of them realizing what was at the
root of it. $ut if the truth would finally dawn on them and
they would be able to laugh about it together, working
together towards solutions would probably be an easy
ne1t step.
A third, and arguably the most crucial, re!uirement
brings us back to the story and warning with which we
opened this chapter. #peak your mind =in a mature,
respectful way, of courseA and don6t put it off9 /f you
allow feelings of resentment to fester inside you, without
bringing them out into the open, you are probably inviting
disaster9
/t took -arge a few years to decide to speak up that
she wasn6t crazy about flowers. However, the nature of
the relatively insignificant misunderstanding was such
that happily, things never reached a stage when she was
boiling over with frustration over the affair.
:ther spouses who opt to keep their mouths shut don6t
get away with it so easily. 0ake6s wife, +at, was habitually
late whenever, for whatever reason, they agreed to meet
at some place. 0ake would often arrange to meet +at at
the appointed destination a half hour earlier than the time
he really intended, but all the tricks in the book didn6t
help.
0ake normally worked to a tight schedule, and +at6s
consistent disregard for punctuality and apparent lack of
consideration needled him no end. .or all that, out of
concern for +at6s feelings, he never said a word about it.
However angry he felt, he would bite his lip and remain
silent.
<ntil one day when they were due to arrive separately
at an family gathering where +at6s presence was
important. #he eventually showed her face over an hour
late. he bubble containing 0ake6s years of simmering
frustration finally burst. He screamed and yelled,
embarrassing not only +at but all their relatives.
59
/f there6s one thing that we all have to learn, it6s that we
cannot drive our relationships on automatic pilot. :n the
contrary, we have to watch where we are headed, and
make immediate course ad7ustments as necessary.
he sad case of 0ake and his unpunctual wife is also
instructive for another reason. .rom the start, 0oe had
recognized his potentially destructive ,go, and resolved
not to let it have its own way. 0ust unfortunately, he went
about the task in an inappropriate fashion.
How, and under what conditions, do we keep the ,go
strictly in its place8
60
Chapter Fifteen
Taming the -estructi*e .go
+olly had a four year old child who nearly every day
would scream at her: 3/ want to kill you94 +olly tried her
best to keep her cool but predictably, the point was soon
reached when she would feel herself almost bursting with
rage every time she heard the offensive words.
:ne day when he said them, she locked the child in his
room for an hour. He yelled his lungs out all the while, but
it didn6t stop him from later saying the same thing again.
Another day, +olly poured black pepper on the kid6s
tongue, and another time she tried washing his mouth out
with soap. All these 3remedies4 may have helped her little
son understand who the 3boss4 was, but for all that, he
went on informing her regularly, in a nasty tone, that he
wanted to kill her.
/n desperation, +olly phoned up a friend who was
already an e1perienced mother and asked her what she
would do in such circumstances.
3As the oldest of three children, he probably feels left
out of things,4 advised the friend. 3/ would say he6s not
hateful, he6s 7ust in pain. *on6t respond to the words. :nly
respond to the pain.4
he ne1t day, true to form, the little chap shouted out
the four dreaded words. Acting on her friends advice,
+olly hugged him, smiled and said: 3,ven if you want to
kill me, / love you more than anything in the world.4
:nce the boy had recovered from the une1pected
3shock4 and the atmosphere was calmer, +olly tried to
find out what was bothering him. hat was the last time
he ever uttered those words, or anything similar.
/f you6re like most people, you react almost every day
to situations you perceive to be threatening in much the
same way that +olly would respond to her little one6s
painful verbal 7abs "only to get nowhere for your trouble9
61
%et6s say that a man gets really hot under the collar
while checking the family credit card statement, after
noticing that his wife had bought some big ticket items
without his knowledge.
/f she decides to give in to her first impulse, the lady
might well yell back at him: 3(ou old skinflint94 =or an even
less flattering 3compliment4A and continue: 3'hat6s the
matter with you8 Aren6t / entitled to a few decent clothes
like any other woman84
Alternatively, she resist the temptation of an impulsive
response, calm down a little and say: 3(ou6re right.
5either of us should make a purchase without first
consulting the other. (ou know, /6m really sorry. / didn6t
intend to hurt you.4
And hopefully, that6s the end of the incident.
=5ote that /6m not talking about abusive personalities emotionally
disturbed souls who will continue to insult and
manipulate you no matter how gently you respond to
them. 'ith such people, you6re probably better off
keeping your distance. Here, though, we6re presumably
dealing with a rational, well disposed gentleman, 7ust
feeling the stress of having to be continually vigilant in the
ongoing struggle to balance the family budget.A
)emember -artha, whom / introduced to you in an
earlier chapter "the public"spirited bride who was deeply
disappointed when her young husband didn6t continue
with the heavy community involvement for which he had
ac!uired a reputation as a bachelor8
-artha tried to persuade him to return to his communal
endeavors. his only served to alienate him, since took it
as a sign that -artha didn6t really appreciate all the
attention he was showering upon her. ,ventually, -artha
also turned to an older and more e1perienced friend for
advice.
3%ay off9 %eave the poor man alone,4 counseled her
friend. 3&oncentrate on improving yourself, not him. 'ork
every day on refining and perfecting your character traits.
62
And in particular, always try to think of new things you
could be doing for your husband "things that will make
him a little happier, his life that much easier...4
Her friend was clearly an e1ponent of the 3give, give
and give4 philosophy of marriage. At any rate, -artha
was to reap great dividends from taking that advice to
heart. .rom that day on, her marriage went from strength
to strength.
5ow, what do -artha, +olly and the lady whose
husband didn6t like her spending habits all have in
common8
/f you think about it, it boils down to this: each of them
controlled their ,go. hey subdued it, they harnessed it,
they molded it to their advantage. ,ach of them had their
own inner struggle, certainly. $ut ultimately, they did not
allow the ,go to control them9 Absolutely not.
/t6s a well known fact that when a person senses
danger, the body pumps out stress hormones such as
adrenaline. Adrenaline then cause the system to release
fat into the bloodstream, which provides the e1tra energy
the person needs to fight off the danger.
/t6s also well known that when a person gets angry,
the body receives a false signal and starts producing
adrenaline even in the absence of real danger. /f this
happens often enough, it can cause irreversible harm to
the body.
he fascinating thing is that this pattern of events
operates not only on the physical level. 'hen you smell
danger around the corner but none, in fact, e1ists, and
you start to panic for no good reason, you unwittingly
inflict on yourself real damage on the emotional plane as
well.
And, as if the personal damage isn6t bad enough,
sometimes your relationship with someone close to you
somehow gets caught up in the firing line.
%et6s say you6re standing in line at the supermarket
checkout when somebody behind pushes you aside and
strides up to the cashier. His very act of !ueue 7umping is
a red light for you and you get hopping mad. $ut before
63
your blood pressure has even had time to rise, the
offender has already finished his transaction and you6re
free to proceed.
(ou stop to think. 3Hey, my body and my emotions
have 7ust taken a terrible pounding, but why8 'as / in
any type of danger8 5o, it appears not. hen why the
heck did / get so hot under the collar8
3:n second thoughts, though, there was a part of me
that came under threat. $ut which part8 :nly my ,go,
actually.....And for the sake of a bruised ,go /6m willing to
get so e1cited over an inconse!uential delay of precisely
eighteen seconds84
/t6s only your ,go that6s hurt when you pass an
ac!uaintance in the street and she returns your greeting
with a blank stare. /t6s only your ,go that6s hurt when a
clerk at a government office yells at you for not bringing
the right forms.
/t6s only your ,go that6s hurt when you do something
beyond the normal line of duty at the office, but nobody
seems to appreciate it. And it6s only your ,go that6s hurt
when you go out of your way to prepare something
special for dinner, but as far as you know, your family
don6t even notice it.
:nce you have learned to distinguish between real
danger and mere ego"danger, you will have the key in
your hands for van!uishing the troublesome ,go and
confining it to its proper place for ever.
%et us now turn to circumstances under which it may
be legitimate and desirable to allow our ,gos a certain
amount of freedom.
64
Chapter Sixteen
Time to Be %sserti*e
A couple of years ago, a reader of one of my e"zines
emailed me with a seemingly desperate plea for help.
#he wrote that she had been attending a course in
communication skills, which included a lot of tips for
becoming more assertive in everyday life. #he was a
conscientious student and practiced the techni!ues she
learned every day. o her delight, she was finding that
with strangers, at least, they were working pretty well.
3$ut / still have a problem,4 she lamented, 3and the
problem is my husband. <nfortunately...well, he6s not so
easy to sort out94
he writer of the message =let6s call her #allyA,
complained that when she and her husband arrive home
after a day6s work, she6s always careful to in!uire how he
had found his day. 3(et, /6m very lucky if / get some sort
of a grunt by way of reply.4
3And then the fun really begins. hat grunt is really the
signal for a vicious verbal attack that might begin with:
6'hat on earth made you do such"and"such today8 And
since you insisted on carrying out such a lunatic act, why
didn6t you at least do it in a sensible way86 3
According to #ally, the conversation invariably ends
with further biting criticism from her husband. He will
berate her mercilessly for not doing what he instructed
her to do, for not doing it properly, for spending too much
time or money on it, for leaving the house in a mess, or
for being too fussy about the house6s cleanliness.
35ow, / know that it6s really my fault. / should 7ust be
doing what they tell me to do in the course. / should be
saying to him: 6/ feel hurt when you talk to me in this way,6
or, 6hat6s your opinion, but /6m afraid / don6t agree with
you.6
65
3<nfortunately, / find it very difficult to do that. / 7ust
can6t bring myself to it. #o instead, / 7ust stand there, full
of shock, and say nothing. hen before long, my silence
turns to frustration and anger.4
#ally added that she had also been e1perimenting with
another techni!ue that she had read about on the
/nternet.
3hey said you should pretend that your lips are glued
tightly together, so that you6re not tempted to say
something you6ll regret, and before you know it,
everything gets completely out of hand. hen you need
to imagine you are covered in wa1, and that all the
destructive criticism is bouncing off the wa1.
3And you know something, it6s working, at least to a
degree. $ut what worries me is that this is being passive,
and it6s much better to be assertive, isn6t it8 +lease, can
you help me with some suggestions on how to apply
assertiveness skills in a marital relationship84
/ do believe that the glued"lips techni!ue is e1cellent but
in the right circumstances.
'e have 7ust been discussing, in the last few chapters,
the dangers, both for ourselves and for the people we
interact with, of allowing our ,gos to prevail over our
better 7udgment. #everal cases we encountered illustrate
!uite convincingly the great benefits for all concerned,
when, in spite of all types of provocation, the ,go is kept
under strict control.
.urther, if, through force of circumstances, you6re tied
into a relationship in which you are continually hurt, and
there6s 7ust no way to get through to the other party, such
a strategy can be a lifesaver.
5ot only can it save you from a lot of misery, but /6ll go
even further. <nder some conditions, there may be no
greater way of showing love and concern than remaining
silent9
$ut when you practice it, you6re walking on a tightrope.
66
'ith the most honorable of motives, keeping silent can
backfire, as we saw in the unfortunate case of 0ake,
whose wife, +at, was habitually late for appointments.
,ven worse, you might well be mistaking heroism for
cowardice. -any of us have heard reports like this one:
3A neighbor of mine used to drop in whenever / was
busy with all sorts of tasks. 'ithout fail, she would find
something to criticize in what / was doing. At first it drove
me mad, even though / knew she really meant well. $ut /
decided to bear it in silence, and was determined not to
let her behavior undermine my sense of self"worth.
/nside, though, / still resented her.
3hen one day, she made an innocent remark, and /
e1ploded with all my suppressed rage. (es, / thought /
was humble, but in reality / was cowardly. here6s so
much pain on both sides now, that / wonder if we can
ever have a normal relationship again94
How should this lady have dealt with her nosy
neighbor8 How, indeed, can #ally become more
assertive in communicating with her husband8
%et6s try to find the answers.
67
Chapter Seventeen
Gi*ing 4s /ot Gi*ing 4n#
/f #ally, whose letter we !uoted in the last chapter, has
learned so much about assertiveness techni!ues, as she
claims, and has even successfully applied them in
practice "what are the roadblocks that prevent her from
using them with her own husband8
/ have never met #ally personally, and know nothing
about her background, her personality, her inhibitions and
her fears, all of which, of course, may have a strong
bearing on the issue. =/n her message, though, she does
come across as a warm and intelligent person.A
/ do know, however, that her problem is far from
uni!ue. / can only suggest a few factors which, if they
don6t apply in her situation, do apply in many similar ones.
he last thing / want is that what happened to 0ake and
+at or to the lady with the meddlesome neighbor should
happen to #ally, or to her husband. 'hen all6s said and
done, they6re the most important people in each other6s
lives. ='ell, if they aren6t, they should be9A
Assertiveness, unfortunately, is often confused with
impudence or aggression. /n reality, they6re very different.
Aggressive people actively seek conflict because they
need to feel dominant or superior. &ontrol of others gives
them a sense of importance. he goal of assertive
people, on the other hand is not to feed their vanity or
pump up the ,go.
/deally, assertive folk are dominated not by hate, but by
love. /n optimum circumstances, their desire is not to
dominate or control, but to preserve and enhance their
capacity to give of themselves.
68
'hen they fight, it6s only to protect ideals and values
they strongly believe in. 'hen they try to protect their
dignity as human beings, not to mention their physical
and mental health, they are simultaneously protecting
their ability to give to those whom they love.
Aggressive people are destructive. Assertive people,
on the other hand, are constructive9
'hat stops you from being assertive, even when you
very badly want to be8
A ma7or reason is fear. /t seems to me that this fear
often intensifies when the other party is someone very
close to you.
(ou might be afraid of being condemned "as
incompetent, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, or whatever.
'hen someone makes an unreasonable demand on you,
you don6t want to be thought of as selfish. /f somebody
calls you inefficient, you might be afraid of being called
something worse if you answer back.
/n all these cases "or so you think to yourself "you
would end up feeling re7ected or unloved. /f the other
person is a particularly significant one in your life, this a
situation you would especially want to avoid.
'hat will happen "you might reason subconsciously if
my husband or wife =or whoeverA shuts me out of his or
her life completely8 :r does something even worse8
(ou might fear hurting the other persons6 feelings,
regardless of how he or she has hurt yours. #trangely
enough, people who are especially vulnerable and afraid
of re7ection, often assume that others have the same
fears. 3/f / speak honestly with him, /6ll destroy him,4 you
might think.
:ccasionally, these fears are 7ustified. %et us say you
have a boss who abuses you. /f you speak up, a real
danger e1ists that he might fire you. /n such a case, you
have to decide: either suffer in silence, or find another
7ob.
69
$ut far more fre!uently, these fears have little
substantial basis. <sually, they wiggle their way into your
thought system through a process of conditioning, having
its origins possibly even in early or later childhood. :nce
they are there, they can be e1tremely hard to dislodge.
'hat6s the solution8 / can only say this. :ne needs to
practice. And keep on practicing.
#ally, you know you can do it, and you will9 (ou, too,
are created in the *ivine image. (our sense of self"worth
and your emotional stability are important to you. hey
cannot be negotiated away.
'hy8 +recisely because you6re not selfish9 %ike all
people, you have so much to give "and you badly want to
give.
$ut don6t make a mistake9 2iving is not giving in. $y not
giving in, you are only ensuring that you will continue to
give in the fullest sense.
70
Chapter Eighteen
-ump That /egati*e Baggage#
/n these concluding chapters of this e"book, /6d like to
devote some space to a couple of topics that might not
seem at first, to have too much to do with communication
and relationship building.
heir relevance to our theme is very real, though, as
will become clearer as we proceed. /n fact, we have
already caught more than a passing glimpse at how what
/ can call our 3internal makeup4 "our upbringing and
previous life e1periences, our attitudes, pre7udices and
inhibitions "influences the way we communicate and
interact with others.
/ read about someone who had struggled with math in
elementary school, so much so that she had even lost
sleep over her difficulties in keeping pace with the
lessons. Having sensed the child6s frustration, her mother
had taken her aside and offered some well"meaning
encouragement:
3%ook, no one in our family is good in math. / was poor
at math and your sister isn6t good in math. 5o wonder
you6re having a hard time. (ou shouldn6t worry. /6m sure
you6ll be good at something else.4
'ell, that certainly sounds comforting. 5evertheless,
the former struggling schoolgirl bewailed the fact that
more than K? years later, she still had, in her estimation,
the mathematical ability of a B? year old. Are you really
surprised8
<nhelpful or unproductive messages that young people
receive from their elders take many different forms. A
friend told me that his BB year old had been
uncharacteristically moody and subdued for a few weeks.
/t had taken him a while to figure out that something was
worrying the lad at school.
71
At first, the boy insisted that everything was :D, but
eventually he blurted it all out. He e1plained sadly that his
teacher kept upsetting him with an ongoing stream of
comments like:
3Another poor grade in the test this week. (ou could do
much better, if you really wanted to.4
3(ou say you find it difficult to concentrate in class. /f
you really wanted to, /6m certain you could...4
3:h *ad,4 moaned the hapless pupil. 3/ 7ust don6t
understand this 6if you wanted to6 business. &an it be
possible8 *oes my teacher really believe / don6t care8
#urely, he must know how much /6d like to be a better
student, if only / could84
.ortunately, this story had a happy ending. he father
had a friendly, heart to heart chat with the teacher, who
understood where he might have been making a mistake.
$efore long, the teacher6s feedback had changed to:
3(our grade in this week6s test was two percent better.
5ow that you6re going up, perhaps you can manage
another two percent hike ne1t week84
3(ou concentrated well for a solid twenty minutes this
morning. (ou see yourself you can do it. 5ow, 7ust try to
manage for another ten minutes.4
And so we have one happy, eager pupil and one very
proud teacher9
/ think the lessons of these incidents are clear enough.
/nterestingly, / have another friend who recently retired
after a lifetime of teaching in schools where "so unlike
those that dominate the media nowadays "the young
students are mostly refined and serious, and hail from the
best homes. / was surprised to hear my friend confess:
3<sually, a small child arrives for his first day of school
with an e1cellent self"image. And so often, that6s the end
of the story94
72
'e cannot turn the clock back or change the facts of
history. $ut that doesn6t mean we can6t change ourselves.
+eople whose self"image took !uite a battering in their
youth so often believe they have to live with the
conse!uences forever, but it doesn6t have to be that way.
#ome adults become so bitter and resentful inside
about everything and anything, are so oversensitive and
easily offended by everybody but nobody in particular,
that they feel they can no longer function normally. he
more fortunate among them eventually consult
psychologists or similar professionals, who get to work by
helping their patients to e1plore their past and pinpoint
the source of their anger.
As people go through life, they accumulate all sorts of
negative baggage.
:ne angry patient would often go to therapy sessions
accompanied by her father. *uring one of the sessions,
she mentioned that her father appeared to be !uite
friendly and caring, but for the past fifteen years he had
hardly visited her home and had refused all invitations to
eat with her family. his upset her very much.
he therapist later discovered that fifteen years
previously, her patient had said something to hurt her
fathers feelings, and he had vowed not to eat in her
house until he received an apology.
'hat the father didn6t realize was that his daughter was
not even aware of this decision. 'hen she was told about
this, she apologized immediately "and the father broke
down in tears.
2etting rid of e1cess psychological baggage and the
intense but chronic pain it causes is never easy. /t usually
re!uires persistent effort over an e1tended period.
However, no amount of effort should be too much for us
once we really appreciate the incalculable benefits of
such an e1ercise for ourselves, our loved ones and all
those around us.
$ut even if we6re not yet ready to undertake this
arduous task of self"cleansing and healing, at least we
should train ourselves to be sensitive to the pain, e1isting
and potential, of the other folk in our lives.
73
'e can all take a lesson, each of us in our own way,
from the teacher who finally learned how to inspire his
difficult pupil to ever greater heights. /f only we really
knew how much is in our hands9
'hen your spouse, child or other family member
decides to give you a special surprise and you say
something like: 3hat was nice of you to make dinner,4
resist the temptation of immediately adding: 3but why
didn6t you clean up the kitchen84 5ever !ualify your
statement: 3/ appreciate that you did the grocery
shopping, especially when you have so much on your
mind right now,4 with an inevitable: 3but why did you
select potatoes that are half rotten84
$y now, we well understand how positive e1pressions
of praise, pleasure and appreciation, well targeted and
delivered at the right times, accomplish so much more
than the mildest rebukes and the gentlest nagging. *on6t
spoil those valuable compliments, however, by inserting a
3but4 or two. Iualified praise is no praise.
And never tire of saying those two simple words:4
hank you.4
74
Chapter Nineteen
Taming the -estructi*e .go
(es, the right words, together with the empathy and
sensitivity that influence how you choose them, make all
the difference in the world. #imply put, words make or
break. /t might help us to internalize this truism if we take
a look at why so many people 7ust don6t take it seriously.
'hat do you do when you wake up in the morning with
acute toothache8 (ou rush to the dentist and the first
thing he does is 7ab a needle into your gums. Hopefully,
the ache is gone even before he lays a finger on that
troublesome tooth.
Aren6t anesthetics wonderful8 5ow, imagine you were
created with a kind of natural version, that washed your
mouth continuously so that you never got toothache in
the first place. 'ouldn6t that be great8
5o, probably not, because you6d never know when a
tooth needed attention, until it would be far too late.
<nfortunately, this isn6t as far fetched as you might
think. 0ust as there are anesthetics of the body, you get
anesthetics for the mind as well. And usually, mental
anesthetics work much like the imaginary natural variety
we 7ust described.
5ot too long ago, an ,nglish teacher at a private
American school decided to use the old television series,
3Alfred Hitchcock +resents4 to help teach his class about
plot development in creative writing.
:nce a week, he would a play a movie in the series,
then stop the show before the end. He would then ask his
students to write their own endings. hey liked the idea
so much that they suggested they read their work aloud
in class.
75
'hat the teacher heard "to use his own words 3
horrified and sickened4 him. After hearing the first few
students, he put a stop to the reading aloud.
%ater, he led a frank class discussion about the very
e1plicit imagery of violence he had found in the papers.
he students !uickly insisted out that media violence
didn6t affect them at all because the graphic scenes they
saw on H and films were 3fake4.
heir teacher then asked them how they would feel if
they saw a dog on H being riddled with bullets.
3How horrible94 they cried out in unison.
he teacher concluded that unlike the human carnage
they regularly witnessed on H, his students had found
animal deaths appalling because they had seldom seen
it.
:ver the years, these children had become almost
completely desensitized to violence. oday, for the first
time, they realized it. hankfully, the anesthetic was
starting to wear off.
5ow, the truth is that most human beings, over the
course of time, allow themselves to be desensitized
against all sorts of other things as well.
#ometimes, it6s good. .or e1ample, we eventually 3get
over4 a loss, or a traumatic episode gradually recedes
from our memories. -ore often, it6s anything but good.
A prime e1ample of harmful mental anesthesia stems
from the remarkable talent that humans have for hurting
each other with their speech.
#ure, it6s the victims who feel the pain, but it6s the
attackers who somehow manage to 3anesthetize4
themselves, so that they no longer have to think about
the conse!uences of their actions. #ometimes the
desensitization is so complete that they even go on to
shift the blame for their verbal abuse onto the victims:
3Aw come on, why on earth are you so touchy8 Anyone
would think / hit you with a sledgehammer, or something94
76
At times, our verbal barbs are deliberate. /t may be
that feelings of inade!uacy or inferiority induce us to
assert our power over others. .rustration over real or
imagined deficiencies, or an1iety over events we cannot
control, may spur us on to develop and use a full arsenal
of purposeful innuendoes, backhanded compliments,
slurs and insults. #houting at our fellows is a lot more
comfortable than shouting at ourselves.
his impulse to put others down in order to bestow
upon ourselves a sense of superiority or power, or as a
diversion from our own shortcomings and problems, is
something many of us 7ust can6t resist. :n the other hand,
offending others is sometimes the last thing we want, yet
somehow, we manage to do us nonetheless.
/n previous chapters, we saw this happening with
people who come to advise or comfort their friends or
loved ones with well intentioned but poorly timed
comments. .or a e1ample, a family member of a friend
may be seriously ill. Almost instinctively, we offer the
reassurance: 3*on6t worry, everything will be 7ust fine94
:ur friend is not comforted. 0ust the opposite. #he6s
wondering whether anything will be the same again. /t
takes e1perience, and more than a little practice, in
accordance with the guidelines we suggested then, to
choose words that will have the right effect.
$ut why must we wait for our friends to e1perience
stress or severe trauma before we decide to carefully
weigh our words8 'hat do you do when your friend buys
an e1pensive new outfit, and asks you a week later how
you like it8
/f you believe the outfit doesn6t suit her very well, but it6s
already too late to do anything about it, do you tell her
what you think8 :r, do you find some way to evade the
!uestion, or to put a positive spin on the event, thereby
sparing your friend unnecessary distress8
/f you really want to spread love in the world, taking
great care with what comes out of your mouth is one way
to do it.
+erhaps you remember that haunting and defiant chant
with which you and your friends probably taunted each
other during your schooldays:
77
3#ticks and stones may break your bones, but words
will never hurt me94
*o you believe it8 $y this point, / certainly hope not9
2ranted, words may rarely be able to break bones. $ut
they do worse. hey can break our hearts, our spirits,
even our reputations.
And yes, our ability to develop and maintain meaningful
relationships.
(et, there6s no need to end on a negative note. /f the
faculty of speech is indeed so very powerful when it6s
abused, it must be ten times more potent when it6s
employed the way it6s meant to be.
/f you can destroy so much with words, 7ust imagine
what you can create with them.
he choice is yours. 2o to it9 /t6s time to build the
beautiful edifice of your dreams.
78
Concluding Comments
The 3ire 4nside You

:f all the forms of human misery, probably the most
widespread is discord in the home.
And of all the forms of human happiness, probably the
most intense is domestic bliss.
'hich would you choose8 'ell, that6s a !uestion that
should hardly re!uire an answer.
(et, being the lethargic and change"resisting creatures
that we are, we often settle for a state of affairs that6s less
than perfect. $ecause it6s easier to take the path of least
resistance, we may shrug our shoulders and opt for a
situation that 7ust passes as tolerable.
$ut as / said in the last chapter, the choice is yours9
(es, / could write on and on "more information, more
insights, more stories. +erhaps, 2"d willing, / will do so in
future e"books. / will certainly continue to discuss
relationship and communication sub7ects in my e"zine
,ffective &ommunication.
5ow, however, is the time for tough decisions. he time
to decide that you and your loved ones deserve more
than second best.
And after the decisions, is the time for action.
79
his is the time to fan, once and for all, the fire that6s
already burning, whether you know it or not, somewhere
inside you. he time to feed it and stoke it until it rises
higher and higher and spreads in all directions. /t6s not a
fire of death and destruction, Heaven forbid, but a fire of
life, enthusiasm, desire and determination.
/t6s the fire that will ignite that passion for perfection
that might bring lasting happiness and self"fulfillment to
you, your husband or wife, your children or parents, your
friends and associates.
+lease write and tell me how you en7oyed this e"book,
and share with me your suggestions for topics / should
write about in future.
And make a regular habit of visiting Hodu.com at
http://hodu.com for current insights and commentary,
and well"researched and authoritative strategies, relating to
everything we talked about in this little book. =#ee further
details belowA.
)emember: /6m rooting for your success in your personal life
and in all your endeavors9
Azriel
[email protected]
http://hodu.com
"lease forward this book to friends who may be interested
- and suggest they do the same#
80
What You Can Find on Hodu.com

Hodu.com - Your Gateway to Better Communication kills
http:!!hodu.com
As / mentioned at the beginning of this book, Hodu.com
is a comprehensive, one"stop 'eb destination with one
overriding ob7ective ; to help you sharpen your
communication, relationship and social skills on all levels
and in all kinds of settings " your family unit, your workplace,
and in the community at large.
he site has many topical sections, and for your convenience,
/Lm repeating here =with direct linksA those that are most
relevant to the sub7ect matter of this e"book:

Assertiveness #kills
$ody %anguage
&onversation #kills
&ommunicating 'ith (our &hildren
&onflict )esolution
*ealing with *ifficult +eople
,motional -aturity
,nhancing (our -arriage
.amily %ife
/nterpersonal )elationships
.or other topics relating to communication skills
in everyday life, please visit the -ain Article -enu.
/n particular, note our popular and detailed sections
on #peaking #kills and 'riting #kills, featuring tutorials
written by a top e1perts.
81
A substantial portion of our site is devoted to the vast and
important sub7ect of B@4/. C=''@/4C%T4=/.
#ome of the topics we cover in this department are:
$usiness ,thics
$usiness ,ti!uette
$usiness 'riting
&areer and 0ob"hunting #kills
&ommunication in the 'orkplace
&reative hinking
&ustomer )elations
-anagement #trategies
-arketing &ommunication
+resentation #kills
elephone #kills
eam $uilding
...and various other topics. .or details, go to
the $usiness &ommunication -ain -enu.
/ also run a Blog on the site, featuring my personal
insights and commentary on current developments
relating to our siteLs theme ; effective communication,
sound human relationships, and all"round personal
development. /f you like, you can keep up to date on
the latest $log posts by )## with your favorite )eader.
.inally, you can also subscribe to the fortnightly
#ite <pdates newsletter, containing brief descriptions
of new content.

#uggestions and feedback are more than welcome9
%&riel $innett