Journal of the Sickness: A Descent into Madness and Addiction

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Collection of poems relating a narrative of intoxication and madness in the search for the right words . . . some poems are interspersed with obscure quotes, following a cut up method. Inspired by A Season in Hell by Arthur Rimbaud.

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JOURNAL OF THE SICKNESS

PROLOUGE INVOCATION OF THE PATHOGEN VISIONS OF POPPIES MANIFESTATION OF THE SICKNESS: INTERVENTION OF THE CENOBITES DELIRIUM: HEARING VOICES FEVER DREAMS INTERLUDE: THE NIGHT OF MADNESS RELAPSE HOSPITALIZATION

POSTSCRIPT: NOTES ON THE SICKNESS SOLITARY CONFINEMENT CELL INTERROGATION FOR POSSESSION AND SUICIDAL IDEATION

NOTES ON REHAB: RELAPSE II RELAPSE III: EXPERIMENTS IN SELF-DESTRUCTION

JOURNAL OF THE SICKNESS

PROLOUGE

Everytime dreams are spoken, the world speaks it’s time to sleep Everytime you’ve woken, they are forgotten them and you search By the time the day ends you’ve found new ones Fragile overnight delivery I have not handled this well Left with a box of glass The right hand never felt like broken glass The glass never felt like money Velvet decadence fuzzy and probably trace amounts of drugs Used money anyway; crisp money from the bank unused Except in the illusory world of finance and money We dream of . . . why? dirty dreams

“and do I really have a song that I can ride on?” “I have thoughts I would like to sell them So other people can see what I see And I can afford to see something else I want to be a poet . . . sell my dreams and buy a new reality”

Sounds like someone else Vomit is a luxury I can’t afford Dissect and find evidence There is something inside “body without organs” Cells revolting cancer “The intention of the virus is good; it goes towards the center” “This doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever seen” Schizophrenia . . .cut out the important piece; the key The door kicked in the head Did he really do that? Somebody will beheld responsible Someone will be held for questioning Did they write this? From where? Oh god, where did they find out . . . You weren’t even paying attention Look out the window Shattered in a moment of perfect natural violence The walls have collapsed and the ceiling is still there Or your just passed out and never made it home Im dying metrically and supposed to do this Dying by degrees When the temperature dropsssssssssssssssssssssssss The wells bring up frozen cancer

Preserved Tell me this isn’t it Somebody wants to die Someone is watching This has already taken place Commit murder without sound Birds fly away I found the body buried deep inside It didn’t move It was always there And I just want to vomit and forget Poison isn’t effective enough I have nightmare hands; extra fingers Reaching for the imaginary weapon The only thing effectivve against them The busted blood vessels in my head are the thoughts I tried to bury Clawing their way out of my minds grave MEMEMTO MORI

INVOCATION OF THE PATHOGEN

The circle of the cigarette the breath of death the smoke coiling around space All my thoughts disappear Choking on them coughing up If insanity isn’t real, why gamble? Why do this? There is nothing I have a tick I’m willing to do the job as long as it’s the last one I want out I don’t want to have a face ever again The intervention of mirrors Bad luck for those who thought eyesight should go only one way It doesn’t help sand is everywhere Focus, raise the gun, make the perfect shot shoot highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Its falling; I hit it and its coming down I’d kill everyone in the world for silence there remains the spirit world though I haven’t developed weapons for that yet After death project Even demons want something out of life . . .

VISIONS OF POPPIES

I’ve mined sacred groves Insects eat the fruit but can’t reach the source THIS IS NOT IT a blade so sharp it will be felt Only too late I need new words I cannot slit enough throughts and collect enough blood to get what I need I ran out of collateral . . . I must have something left wind up the clock of thoughts, twisting them around each other, eventually the alarm will go off . . . or at least there will be spinning time doesn’t spare anyone write a screenplay for a stupid dream movie make money cash out get high and die or just die either way, I’m rich with nutrients burn through my veins I can say anything like this and nothing will see without possessing eyes I need something else Doctors say that diseases are getting more resilient I need all of them and all the drugs against them until no one can resist me Ill take anything to take this away I want to call down plagues of thought . . . I want the whole earth to feel this It’s starting to cover me Next time you see me, you won’t recognize Ill be speaking spores

MANIFESTATION OF THE SICKNESS: INTERVENTION OF THE CENOBITES

"I think you know why we’re here" when interrogated by the inquisition, I think the true saints gave some remarkable answers we'll never know till were dead thunder and lightning . . . im still alive and nothing else matters . . . to me I can't even sleep or dreams might come through the door . . . "where is my mind?" I feel a powerful sickness is overtaking me . . . but if I'm two people, maybe I can learn something about the nature of disease by watching me . . . "sickness is a higher state than health" - Antonin Artaud "and I forget just why I taste I guess it makes me smile" I had a dream last night where I had six hits of acid and I accidently swallowed them . . . but I guess it works either way vomit twice just to make sure my eyes are really screwed up tear out my fingernails . . . I want to be human . . .he said "we must be completely modern" Arthur Rimbaud

FEVER DREAMS

NOW I KNOW Let's see what disappears and what kind of magic and curses I fight FLASHES LIGHTING ... .spelling lkjrealkgjfdlak;gdfalknbsdflbndfalkbnadflbndfklajvladkfjg;lkadfnblakfdbjalfdkjbvandklfjbklfadjgkladsnfvld bkjfdvblkfsjngvaerkgjwerlkjfalkgjvklsadjfklasdnvalk . . .. interpret that "millions of people are casting witchcraft on me; and you as well Mr. Prevel" "but I am completely unknown" "certain literary circles know very well who you are, and they know you have something important to say, and they don't want it public knowledge" You don't know me ........................... nevermore I can file off the numbers ............. success there is something crawling through my fingers that makes them move ............. "He's really not right" .......................... tanith lee "the secret books of paradys" I read on Wikipedia publishers won't even hear her proposals anymore . . . but she was one of the best writers ever . . . Penguinia . . . shutdown .................... "Penguin Gin . . . it will do you in" advertisement ..................... addicts hear birds sing . . . he sold everything . . . but he could still listen to the birds ......................................................................................................................

DELIRIUM: HEARING VOICES

The voice sets mental traps drunk and stumbling until the world turns upside down Watching me hanging but still alive until you’re hanging and I just have a rope around my ankle . . . Coming from different angles . . . Witchcraft . . . There are no words enough Thoughts are chaotic oceans . . . differently repeating each time The sunrise was never bright enough to blind The moon hints at the impossible . . . never enough . . . The centuries die and still here Lost in fire, invisible exit Drowning in water, always missing the chasm when sinking The surrounding miracles fall to impress The nightmare . . . . . . does a better job The sunlight doesn’t flicker as fast . . . used to The vision is fading and starting again The night stars . . . cold meetings in hidden rooms Even eating doesn’t satisfy . . . only poison . . . Longer nights . . . longer knives are coming to stab all the way through . . . The missiles sent exploded in air . . . shot down by unaware . . . universe That is all for now . . . interrupted …………………. shut down ......................

[MISSING PAGE]

INTERLUDE: THE NIGHT OF MADNESS

Hallow’s eve sent to destroy Holy evenings candles burning down . . . The nightmares asphyxiated Pillows comfort turned deadly . . . The sentry has fallen asleep . . . And that’s where I come in . . . Welcome .............................................................................................................

the accelerants are working . . . just wait . . . look into the flames . . .

'Through his apparent madness, Artaud created his own reality; yet through his writing he created a bridge between the reality he experienced and our own, and in the space between is where Artaud himself enters the realm of the mythical"

"I know sometimes I'm a little crazy . . . I don't mean to be . . ."

I die by degrees ............................... I remember ..............................

"I congratulate you. You wrote that one can go into mirrors, and you didn't believe it . . ."

"who is the not very amiable young drunkard?" I forget .....................................

I never understood this movie . . . still don't . . . Artaud was more insane . . . still so much to learn . . .

"oh jacques, you and your visions!" ha .......

you meet strange people sometimes walking on the tracks . . ......................................... “it makes you wonder what you would have to do to fail . . .” I think we all know by now .................................................................................................. turning slowly . . .then faster ............................................................................................... honestly, we never thought it would go that far . . . concentric circles makes things go deeper in witchcraft . . . dive ................................ this doesn't make any sense ................... 88 the claws .............. rip it ..............any sense................... the limit? ............................................................................. "I don't know what he is saying through the telegraph . . .” cut the lines backwards slash that mirror ........................ brainwashing yourself can be dangerous I usually turn back

RELAPSE

junki3 motivation don't do it any more my life sick side effects probably give me more information drown I was trying to die and I accomplished it out of the glass? I got another channel witchcraft levitate sneaking in poisonous touges killing is secret shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mistake everybody knows that drugs........................................................................forever and ever and ever

HOSPITALIZATION

I lived in a haunted house . . . ECMC is a haunted mansion . . . in the battle for my mind, many, many brain cells have been lost . . . he doesn’t even know into the depths . . . troubled . . . cats train coming round the bend you carry with you . . . NOW IT”S DONE and I don’t know just where I’m going . . . kjvzlkchaiewhvnwelnf.,msbh cklbzh;lshfe;lnga.m,erbhvz;vlkx hvlk;gng.f,hgflk;hgzl;fdknvr,.mvhdlvkhfd,b.nl;kchbn.m,fnv;lbhlk;cbklcnvlkh ofidhghsldkhvlkfdj dripping through a hole in the sky . . . winter is coming “we are . . . fate” (filmed in trance 2013) Killer soundtrack killer soundtrack - - - repeat . . . but the good times couldn't last forever I should attempt sleep now 77 railroad ties smack! smack! WATER RAIN ACID VX Cong VictoriousX THE END

POSTSCRIPT: NOTES ON THE SICKNESS SOLITARY CONFINEMENT CELL I went completely insane on [deleted]; the voice in my head always said "set a bad example" . . . this is the first draining of the abcess . . . access granted time wars drip into consciousness tortures seeping under the door trapped room in this place, the door does not lead to escape or produce wonders only the knot's twisted purpose realized knives can only cut deep satisfaction the blood I choked up is being washed away janitors sacred rite these words have the reek of hate, like bodies in a ditch I lack a doctors mind, observing sickness as a counterpoint in his music quarantine does not satisfy nihil has taken me take the heathy and sick I want to be alone with the virus so we can talk my talents are buried only the all seeing eye of the FBI can find them or the demons, who discover lost things . . .

INTERROGATION FOR POSSESSION AND SUICIDAL IDEATION

"WHAT SAY YOU OF YOUR CRIMES? //what happened to this mind?//, Accused of revolting and disturbed mechanized degradation of the self (in that it was done purposely with a clawed logical distortion of all potentiates), vile unhealth, wounding all who would help, spurning nature and formenting disease, eskewing protections placed for thy benefit (thus inviting the disease and risking becoming a willing vessel for the Horror) swallowing poisons and thereby cursing reality injecting cursed blood, violating sleep by inflicting nightmares, hacking spit from wretched lungs in the company of polite society and thus spreading tuberculosis and other diseases (peculiar to yourself), making your sick thoughts into communicable diseases, spread by your dirty whispers, tricking innocents into believing you had a good nature and laughing maniacally when your trickery was discovered, vomiting in the morning in plain view on public thoroughfares, cursing the passing cars of honest people heading to work, smashing bottles at busy crossroads, dissolving your mind with acids, giving the power of your tongue over to demons, making your mouth a gateway to bring all sorts of vileness into this world, eating flowers, spiders, and garbage, destroying beauty and bringing contempt upon yourself merely because you were bored, reveling in madness . . . I am sickened by you . . .

[SILENCE]

NOTES ON REHAB: RELAPSE I

The trial thou hast undergone is now ended; those countless staircases so exhausting for thee to climb or descend were the very bonds of the illusions which once confused thy thinking" - Gerard de Nerval _ _ _ Aurelia . . . the void somewhere the moment is not forgotten . . . dreams sickness can't resist thiss . . . the temptation soft poisoning of the self . . . bleeding cure desperate need to strike out . . . clawing at the air . . . the air is poison, each breath drowning in poison I am so thirsty can't stay in bed for healing . . . sleep is torturous, dreams are nnightmares or forgotten wake up with cuts wake up in the same place I am this person ruined by mirrors "look at everything around us" in the darkness I am whole I stay awake all night dreading the dawn, dreaming death the night of hope is a needle going right into the artery amputation take my head the sicknesses is too deep, the vision of health and happiness is the worst nightmare cuts smiles? minutes? I want my muscles to atrophy . . . until the face collapses

and there is never anyone in darkness . . . I repeat over and over for trance Satan . . . Death . . . Kill . . . Search . . . desperate for the right words . . . RELAPSE II: EXPERIMENTS IN SELF-DESTRUCTION do it all wrong make every mistake purposely . . . to smile in the face of fate and curse it everyone I admire craved death ruination in a land of landfills is not a sin I'm reflecting contact in my eyes I work for the other side . . . Incisions . . . memory Make a lie – that it was all done on purpose Make time linear again – that I knew all along . . . the end Make linear time into a circle again – a rope . . . a tie . . . dressed up in advance . . . I know I got the job Interview . . . early . . . sent back home for a second . . . formalities of THE END Consciousness Invent Vice Invite Voices Inviolate stream of consciousness . . . pisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Communicate with the Virus . . . allow the other in . . . road sign // INSANE END // Body “it seems to have a likeness to somebody” – “a great depression is setting in”- “the target is there, and everyone can see it, but no one can hit it” disease . . . HELL . . . and this is still life . . .

[faint breathing ] THE END

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