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Karaoke Bob in Wonderland by Steven Donnini

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Content

“Direct from the Karaoke Underground.”

KARAOKE BOB IN WONDERLAND
By Steven Donnini

Dedicated to Julia, Sarah and Lana

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Copyright 2008 Steven Donnini

Contents Introduction Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10. Chapter 11. Chapter 12. Karaoke Bob and Family. Easter Sunday. The Karaoke Crooner. The Wood County Fair The Freak Show. The 4th of July. The Inheritance. Texas State Fair. Madame Larva has an itch. Wedding Bells in the Pines. Christmas with the Larva’s. New Years Eve Party. 3 6 14 20 28 39 50 63 78 89 102 121 128

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Introduction

During my 9 months of rest and recovery from city life in the Piney Woods of East Texas, I discovered what was behind the many franchised fast food restaurants, motels and do it your self gas station /convenience stores that line Interstate 20 in East Texas. The Karaoke Underground.

In many ways, it’s a land that time lost in pine trees, milk weeds and the “Lady Bird” Johnson sponsored Texas Wild Flowers. There are small towns scattered across the land To the

like relics in a Natural History Museum display.

north on routes 60 and 37, there’s Lindale, Mineola, Quitman and Winnsboro. The many small lakes in the area

were created when the Army Corp of Engineers dammed up streams that flowed back in the 50’s. Now, the runoff silt

has all but filled the lakes and they can’t hold enough water to help with flood control. This year, Texas has had

disastrous flooding as a result of the dammed lakes not having water storage capacity. Many can hold only a few

feet of water, below that is a huge layer of mud down to the bottom of the original landscape. In the bleak gray

winter months, the landscape is transformed into a cold

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lifeless rust colored mud bath.

Wearing high rubber boots

when walking around outside is a must.

Driving into the woods feels like peddling backwards in a bicycle time machine. The 4 lane road becomes 2 lanes with Then there’s the end of

a passing lane every little bit. the one lane country road.

You are officially in the

“Boondocks,” too far from a grocery store to forget your shopping list on the kitchen counter. Too far to call for Too far from

medical help if you have a heart attack.

other people to care if you don’t comb your hair, wash your cloths or take a bath. In fact, many women just give up on There’s lots of

the makeup or caring about what they wear.

cigarette smoking, tobacco chewing and beer drinking even though Wood County is a dry county. In fact, people are

willing to drive 30 miles to get their week’s worth of beer and whiskey. Most of the poor, young people head out after The ones with

high school to join the Army or Marines.

means go off to collage in Nacogdoches or College Station where they get a first class education. The rest stay at

home to join the food service under employed, farming, welding, plumbing, cattle wrangling, where a combination of two or three can make them a meager living. not the top priority with these folks. Education is

Never the less,

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it’s a beautiful setting for a lake house, where I could watch the sunset and consider options on my life’s journey. After sometime, my thoughts turned to the people I’d met alone the way and what interested them in life. If you know the Quitman Bank President you are well connected. There’s a real lumber yard with building

supplies and men who understand what you need to build a work shed, green house, or cash crop grow house. place where a cash crop means marijuana growing. It’s a There’s

plenty of grow locations along creek beds and in old houses back in the woods away from prying eyes. a big issue in the Mineola Wal-Mart. Yes, firearms are

The ammo department

is bigger than most big city convenience stores. At 5:00am the first morning of my exile, shots were fired at the Canadian ducks on their way to a warmer climate. There’s no humpback mountain cowboy’s that I know of. No,

those Canadians aren’t welcome in these parts unless they come for just the summer and bring lots of cash. conservative’s country. This is

Here the male credo is, “If you

can’t eat it, ride it or snort it, then shoot it and stuff it.”

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Chapter 1. Karaoke Bob and Family.

There’s an old cattle trail now Rte. 37 in the thick, piney woods of east Texas, where antique shops grow beside the highway like freakish, hallucination producing mushrooms. One such place is Madame Larva’s Antiques. Here, there are

objects across 2 acres along one side the two lane highway. Driving by at 60 miles an hour, it’s more akin to a trash dump with a small wooded houses, tiny house trailers and open car port. More like a junk yard than an antique shop,

it gives the impression that at one point the buildings were filled with used sinks, cooking ranges, washers, dryers, and refrigerators. Somehow, the buildings seem to

have exploded, leaving behind a mass of household refuse across the lawn without destroying the tiny travel trailers and dilapidated farmhouse. Perhaps the junk was somehow

secreted from the buildings like an insect laying eggs across a peach orchard. But, to the Larva family, it’s

home and a good living in the spring and summer when the city folks come out from Tyler and Dallas with their bass boats, motor homes and pop top campers. At Madame Larva’s

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Antiques, visitors can buy local honey, just baked peach pie, fresh cut Tyler roses, hand made cedar rockers and antique tin milk cans. Yet, there’s an abundance of charm

when you meet the extended Larva family lurking just behind the pile of discarded plastic children’s toy’s, farm equipment, refrigerators, broke down motor home, swamp coolers and collectibles. Inside the cramped home and antique shop, colorful quilts made by a local woman hang on the walls graphically depicting the interest in Texas culture, bass fishing and hunting, and whatever animals live around the piney woods. There are flags of Texas, deer, ducks and armadillos printed on plates, ash trays, T shirts and glassware. There doesn’t seem to be any rime or reason for how things are displayed on the shelving and tabletops. You have to There is

ask how much the Madame is asking for every item.

a very strong smell of incense, tobacco and marijuana. The Larva Family tree resembles a patch quilt of humanity. The oldest living Larva is Grandpa, 79, who has long since given up hard farming work. He perches at an old wooden

table placed in front of a window smoking Bugler brand roll your own cigarettes, drinking cheap beer and working his HAM radio, talking to amateur radio friends from across the globe. He also, makes conversation with a photograph of

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his late wife and matriarch affectingly referred to as “Big Mama”. Apparently she says a few colorful things in return She was a tiny woman from all

from the here after.

appearances, or shrunk before her death, when the photo was taken out front of the then newly planted travel trailer house 17 years ago. Big Momma died from consumption, they called it. Then

there is a 350 lb. “Little Mama,” but she lives in Mineola with a cousin, Loretta. There have been some children on

her side of the clan, but they moved back to Corpus Christi to become shrimp fisherman after their dad Buck King suddenly died of heart failure on the steps of the Wood County Court House in Quitman, Tx. It wasn’t over anything

serious just a speeding ticket Buck had gotten while visiting the Larva family farm. He could have paid a $60 Even son Marvin

fine, but he wanted his day in court.

agreed it was his fault and was willing to testify in court. But, Judge Sapcek cousin to Sissy and Rip Torn

never called any witness but the Country Sheriff, who described how he was out on highway 37 when he saw Mr. King driving past from the opposite direction. “I saw Mr.

King speeding past in a 1989 Chevy Suburban at 78 miles per on my radar. He was weaving across the double yellow line. When I caught up with them I

So, I turned in pursuit.

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noticed he had turned around in his drivers seat and was slapping his kids in the back seat. He didn’t see me He just kept

beside him, ordering him to pull over. slapping at the kids.

Finally, Mrs. King stopped him and I

pointed out that I was there driving beside them.

administered the roadside sobriety test, because I smelled beer on his breath. He was able to pass the test, so I

gave him a warning and a ticket for driving at 78 in a 60 mile an hour zone. However, I told him his name would He

appear in the Wood County News for the speeding ticket. became abusive with his language, but I could see the

family didn’t need the hassle and expense of taking him in for the temper tantrum. It’s not my fault The Wood County

News prints a list of all motor vehicle moving violations. But sometimes people get extreme over that.” Judge Spacek called Buck to the stand, listened politely to his excuse story about why he was speeding. ain’t no speeder or criminal. yapping and fighting. Buck said, “I

It’s just that the kids were

I turned to smack Marvin in the So, I didn’t

mouth when we passed the speed limit sign. see it.”

The Judge Spacek replied, “Mr. King that is the sorriest excuse I’ve heard in a longtime. But, if you want to stick Sixty

with that, it’s going to cause you $120 dollars.

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bucks for the speeding and $60 for reckless driving which you admit to and court costs. leave. Pay the bailiff and you can

If not, you’ll spend the next 14 days in the Wood That’s it, next case.” He slams his gavel

County Jail. extra hard.

Buck just couldn’t understand why his story didn’t work. After all he had been rehearsing, refining his recanting of events with friends and family members for a week before coming to court. They all said it sounded good with the She thought it was BS. But

exception of Madame Larva.

then she’s heard lots of Buck’s lame excuses over the years. In an attempt to smooth things over, Marvin agreed it was his fault and was willing to testify in court that his story was true. But Judge Spacek never called any witness

but the Country Sheriff. Handing over the $120 to the court was just more than Marvin could abide. bullshit on a plate. money. “I’ll be a son of a bitch. This is

Now I don’t have my Shreveport Casino As Buck and Marvin walked

Damn kangaroo court.”

out of the courthouse he felt a sharp pain in his chest and fell to his knees on the stairs. He looked up at the

morning Sun glairing in his eyes and said to Marvin, “You little bastard, it’s all your fault.”

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In terror Marvin call out for help.

The EMT tried to

revive him on the court house steps, but he arrived DOA at he hospital. Moving down the Larva family tree is Martha “Madame” Larva. Who is in control of all comings and goings, large or small at the family farm and the Antique Shop. Her posture has

been shaped by the many years of bending over the display cases at the shop. She is by all appearances much like a

nocturnal sloth, moving around piles of junk she calls her lifetime of treasures. She is one example of a person who

still clings to the notion her father implanted, “You’ll always be my little princess”. Her husband Roberto “Bob” Larva is a 65 years old native Mexican immigrant. Roberto’s childhood was spent with his

Dad and 6 siblings traveling from farm to farm in the Rio Grand Valley as a migrant workers. described by his father as a whore. His mother was as In 1967, he turned 18

and enlisted in the US Army and was off to Vet Nam for his first tour of duty. He came back an angry young man with a He attended collage in

drug addiction problem.

Nacogdoches, Texas where it was a lot better than Corpus Christi. A few years ago, Bob got into Karaoke at one of the local bars in Sulfur Springs. It has developed into an addiction

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where he must sing at the Cowboy Karaoke Bar everyday or suffer unimaginable emotional Vet Nam wartime flashbacks. He has had several bad encounters with the owner of the Cowboy Karaoke Bar over singing contest where Bob felt he should have won a prize. The owner explained that he is a Here

“Crooner” and that’s just not popular in these parts. people like to hear “Janis Joplin” songs. He goes on,

“Look here Bob you need to know that if you continue causing problems I’ll have to bar you for life.” Bob

argues, “But I bring in business because people come to hear me sing.” The owner, “I installed the Karaoke

equipment because it was cheaper than hiring musicians. People come to the bar to entertain themselves by singing. They don’t come to listen to you. You should pay me to let you sing here.” Madame Larva only son Danny “DB” 21 years old and Felishia “Fly“ Larva is very small for 20 years. Even though sloth like in appearance “Madame” is commanding woman although not more than 5ft 3 inches tall. She moves slowly through

the collectables, sampling memories with her long fingernails of where and how she acquired each treasured object. Her long hair is accented with a gray stripe which lays across her head and down her back. The family tree

stops at “Fly” because there are genetic problems that

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began with DB (DB).

Bob blames everything on Agent Orange

exposure that he got when he was deployed along the Cambodian/Vet Nam border in 1969. DB’s right foot is shaped exactly like a dog paw. So, he walks with a limp which got him rejected from joining the Army. The first graders at Wood County He is a source of

Elementary School nicknamed him Dog Boy.

family shame, a quite one, mostly playing with the family pit bull dogs “Little” and “Friend”. He takes great care

when feeding them a breakfast of soft tortillas and wieners. They sit together on the sofa and he bites each

piece of food first, choose it then feeds them what he spits it out into their open mouths. “Fly” 25 years old has an abundance of curly red hair around her piercing yellow green eyes. intently, which is very unnerving. She glares

Her house dresses are Her favorite

covered with small teddy bears and squirrels. loves are ice cream, macaroni and cheese.

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Chapter 2. Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday at the Wood County Baptist Church, known as “The Church of the Wonderful Now”, is as in all small towns in the deep south, things start early. It’s not just

another Sunday church service. First of all everyone must show their best public face which isn’t easy when people live so far apart from one another. Out here people who have emotional problems become eccentric before their time. But during holidays families revert to their last best behaviors. Even the Larva’s come out in style. With

Madame in a new full flowered Easter Dress and traditional lavender bonnet to match. Everyone has some piece of new

clothing for the occasion including Fly who is a covered with shades of Orange. Throughout the church parking lot

flower hats with a springtime theme abound transforming the church into a field of Texas wild flowers. Madame Larva and the family struggle into the church parking lot just behind Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson’s polished

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black Cadillac SUV which disappears behind the church like a funeral parlor delivery truck. Peaches is laying across the dashboard in front of Madame Larva. She is crying for a treat. Bob says, “Jesus Christ Margaret can’t you make that cat shut up?” Fly is so excited to see the Rev. she yells out. “There he is Jesus’ friend, Dr. Aubrey.” Bob responds, “He’s just another bull shit artist trying to get our money. Don’t be so stupid. You’re an embarrassment. Just keep your mouth shut and don’t give him any money that’s Madame’s job. Besides everybody’s watching to see how much she will put in the offering basket.” Madame, “I’m going to get a envelope and put an offering in it so no one will know.” Bob, “Just don’t put my name on it. did last time.” Madame, “That was just a joke.” Bob, “Still the Mayor snooped inside and gave me the evil eye.” DB is still half asleep in the backseat. money.” “I ain’t got no You remember like you

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Bob, “We all know you ain’t got no brains ether. So why would you have any money? Go back to sleep I like you better that way.” Madame looking around at the family, “There’s only one day a year, well maybe two, when I expect you all to behave and live up to the Larva name. So, shut your traps and pay

attention to what the Rev. Dr. Aubrey has to say, cause it has to last until next Christmas Eve.” Bob, “Yeah like your mother says shut you traps. anything to the Mayor he’s on my shit list.” Fly, “You said shut up already.” DB, “Shut up.” Fly, “You shut up.” Madame, “I’ll say who should shut up. Bob.” Bob, “OK. Jesus. Minga.” Shut your pie hole Don’t say

DB, “What’s Minga mean anyways?” Bob, “Like Minga that’s a big hat on that woman.” DB, “Oh, like WOW. English?” Bob, “Not always. It can mean Oh shit.” Minga is Spanish but means wow in

He hits DB in the back of the head. They park the car and make their way thru the drizzling rain to the other families pushing through the church door.

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DB stops to talk to a schoolmate James who has become a biker. He asks, “What have you been doing?” James, “Working at the Circle K on Interstate 20.” DB, “I bet you meet some cool chicks there.” James, “Yeah, lots of pussy comes in for gas and to use the bathroom.” DB, “ So you see some real fine stuff? job.” James, “Yeah, I could become a manager in a few years.” As the congration files into the pews The church organist is playing a traditional song. in Jesus.” The Larva’s find seats together Madame, Fly, Bob and DB. Fly loves to sing loudly. But her tone deafness has causes “Oh, what a friend I have I wish I had you

her to be shrill and annoying to people sitting in the pew in front of her. “Shut up.” Madame leans over to her ear and yells, Everyone has turned

But Fly continues singing.

around to see what the commotion is all about. Fly is enthusiastic about singing the song. Madame takes off her lavender high healed shoe and whacks Fly on top of the head. There’s a skull cracking sound that stops the music and singing. Rev. Dr. Aubrey postures with his open

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arms out to Fly, her eyes fixed on him.

Then she says,

“Obla do bomba de Fernando. Gig de tank oh to lingo.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey says, “Lord save us. We have a demon in our presence. Bring the child to me. The power of Jesus is going to drive the devil from this child.” Madame helps Fly to her feet and down the pew to an usher who escorts her to the Rev. Dr. Aubrey. He continues, “Come here you beast. The Lord has a few words for you. I say, praise the Lord. Now, Jesus will

drive you from this his Holy Temple and throw you into a lake of eternal fire and damnation.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey puts his hands on the sides of Fly’s shaking head and says, “You are the evil one that lives in all of us. Last year, when I was blamed for doing horrible acts to those younglings, who accused me of such things? They are no longer here. God commanded his all powerful

Jesus to banish them and their ugly thoughts for blasphemy. Fly, “I’ve been bathed in the blood of the lamb. you brother. Halleluiah.” Just like

Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “I say Halleluiah brothers and sisters.” A person yells out, “Praise the Lord.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Heal this child in the name of our savior Jesus Christ. This demon has been banished to hell. Halleluiah.”

Praise the Lord.

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The music starts playing and the Rev. Dr. Aubrey raises his arms up to the heavens. Fly comes out of her rigid state,

grabs Rev. Dr. Aubrey’s microphone from his hand and begins to sing, “What a friend I have a in Jesus.” The congregation comes to its feet singing and clapping to the music. Bob says to DB, “I told her to keep her trap shut.”

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Chapter 3. “The Karaoke Crooner.”

In the Larva family living room, Bob opens his collection of karaoke CD’s. He looks through his favorite song list,

selects one and walks across the room to his karaoke machine in the corner of the room. The song is “Moon Over Miami.” Peaches climbs to the top

of the machine like a star walking onto a stage. When the music starts she lip sync’s the words as Bob sings, the lyrics appear on the screen. Peaches has the song down cold. She never misses a beat. Mexican accent. Bob struggles with his

When the song is finished he dresses for

his performance at the Cowboy Karaoke Club in Sulfur Springs. He dresses in shinny tight slacks, starched white

dress shirt, thin 60’s tie, dark sports coat and stingy brim hat. With a Sanatra tilt to the hat his impersonation

is complete. He knows that tonight there’s $200 prize money at the karaoke contest and it’s his turn to win.

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Madame lights her glass pipe. tonight.

“Bob, I hope you win

It’s been a long time since you came home from

there with a smile on your face.” Bob, “It’s just that everyone loves me. They clap and

cheer. But the woman that runs the play list doesn’t like me. I always get applause.”

DB walks into the room, “You sound just like a lonely Mexican.” Bob, “Yeah smart ass that’s the idea of the song.” DB, “Well Owoooooooo!” Madame, “Stop it. that.” DB walks over to the Karaoke machine and puts in a CD. Little Miss Red Riding hood by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. He starts to sing, “Hay there Little Miss Riding Hood, You sure are looking good. Just what a big bad wolf like me would want. Owoooooooo!” Bob, “You’re messing everything up in my head. my night.” He walks out with determination but forgets his CD carry all. Madame, “Bob better take the CD’s.” He stops, “Oh yeah.” Tonight is Peaches gets very upset when you do

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Fly looks up from an old Hollywood magazine, “Peaches said You got demon’s Dad?” Madame, “Don’t say stuff like that. superstitious.” When he arrives at the Cowboy Karaoke Bar his friends Elvis, and Cowboy Pete are waiting in line to go onstage. Elvis has a huge potbelly. In his 50’s he wares a homemade Elvis costume complete with open V white shirt and red cape. Cowboy Pete is an emaciated 5’ tall delivery truck He’s very

driver who sings Willy Nelson songs but dresses like Tex Ritter. Elvis greets Bob as he enters the club. the electricity in the room tonight.” Cowboy Pete says, “Yeah. Real snappy outfit there Bob.” “Wow you can feel

Bob asks with a sarcastic tone, “Is Janis Joplin Pearlman here tonight?” Cowboy, “Oh Yeah. In spades.”

Elvis, “She’s in line before you.” Bob “Shit not again. before her tonight.” Elvis, “Well you got here too late.” Cowboy, “You know she’s always early.” Bob, “I’m going to talk to Ed.” I told you I wanted to be in line

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Bob walks over to the bar and is greeted by a big bearded bartender. “What will you have tonight big spender?” Bob, “A draft beer.” Elvis walks into the stage spotlight and begins to sing Blue Swede Shoes. Ed, “You look like a Mexican Sanatra impersonator.” Bob, “I’m changing my act tonight. the $200 bucks prize money.” Ed, “Yeah, you and everybody else. Bob, “But that’s the problem. Get in line.” I really deserve to win

I’m stacked behind Janis.”

Ed, “So how does this affect me?” Bob, “Look I need a favor from you. line one slot.” Ed, “All you do is by two glasses of draft beer all night and you want a favor? the stage manager. Bob walks away. You need to talk to Barbara. Don’t be stupid.” She’s Just move her back in

You know that.

Cowboy is up and starts his Willy Nelson

song “On the road again.” Bob follows Ed down the bar begging, “Please talk to her for me.” Ed, “I don’t have time for this crap.” Bob, “Please, she hates me.” Ed, “I said no.”

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Bob, “But I’m an entertainer.

People love me and the come

here to see me sing the old favorites.” Ed, “You guys think I put in the karaoke machine because people want to here you sing? No. I spent the money

because it’s cheaper that hiring one of those lousy country bands.” Bob, “You know I bring in business here.” Ed, “OK, All your friends are karaoke singers. in here and act like a bunch of fools. should be bared for life. line talk to Barbara. They come

I’m thinking you

If you want to move ahead in He walks away

That’s all, folks.”

leaving Bob standing at the bar. A singer dressed in an Arabian costume walks up to the microphone. The crowd boos. He laughs and sings with the lyrics on the screen.

Owoooooooo! Who's that I see walkin' in these woods? Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood. Hey there Little Red Riding Hood, You sure are looking good. You're everything a big bad wolf could want. Listen to me. Little Red Riding Hood I don't think little big girls should

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Go walking in these spooky old woods alone. Owoooooooo! What big eyes you have, The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad. So just to see that you don't get chased I think I ought to walk with you for a ways. What full lips you have. They're sure to lure someone bad. So until you get to grandma's place I think you ought to walk with me and be safe. I'm gonna keep my sheep suit on Until I'm sure that you've been shown That I can be trusted walking with you alone. Owoooooooo! Little Red Riding Hood I'd like to hold you if I could But you might think I'm a big bad wolf so I won't. Owoooooooo! What a big heart I have-the better to love you with. Little Red Riding Hood Even bad wolves can be good. I'll try to be satisfied just to walk close by your side. Maybe you'll see things my way before we get to grandma's place. Little Red Riding Hood You sure are looking good You're everything that a big bad wolf could want. Owoooooooo! I mean baaaaaa! Baaa? The crowd goes wild spilling beer all over the floor. Barbara is going through the play list when Bob sidles up to her. She’s a little bar fly gal with a deep cigarette

smokers voice. She looks at Bob with a Lucky Strike hanging from her lips. Blows smoke in his face and says, “What’s your story?”

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Bob, “Well I was wondering if it would be possible…” Barbara, “No. You can’t be moved in line.”

Bob, “I didn’t ask you yet.” Barbara, “Kiss my ass, Bob.” Bob, “Look I know you have been changing the score cards.” Barbara, “So you say?” Bob, “You must be.” Barbara, “Prove it or move it.” Bob, “I’ll find out for sure tonight.” Janis Joplin Pearlman walks up to Bob. He looks up to her.

She says, “Out of the way squirt. There’s a legend coming through.” Bob, “You always butt in line.” Janis, “You’re just jealous because I’m great and you stink. Get out of the way, por favor.”

Bob, “I was here first.” Janis, “Talk to Barbara.” Bob, “This is bull shit.” Janis pushes him away from the stage stairs and his hat falls to the floor in a puddle of warm draft beer. Bob, “I’m up next.” He puts his hat on and jumps to the At 6’2”

stage. Janis is a woman trapped in a mans body. she is powerful at 350 lbs. Bob tries to take the microphone away from her.

But she sees him coming and

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punches him in the belly.

He doubles over and barfs up

dinner, three Tamales and a plate of Refried Beans onto the stage. She takes back the microphone and sings. “Oh Load

won’t you by me a Mercedes Benz.“ Bob is held up to a high top table by Elvis and Cowboy. Elvis, “Wow that was a hard punch Bob. Bob wiping his mouth, “Shut up.” Cowboy to Bob, “You’re up now.” The crowd is applauding Janis as she swaggers off the stage. Bob hobbles over to the stage managers desk and sees Janis’ CD collection sitting there. a beer. Barbara is at the bar getting You OK?”

Bob takes the opportunity to lift the CD case and He steps to the stage,

put it into his sport coat pocket. everyone is laughing.

His coat has a blob of refried beans

stuck to the lapel. He refuses to let this get him down. So he takes of the coat and tosses it to the stage. Elvis looks over to Cowboy and says, “That’s what I love about Bob. He doesn’t give up.”

Cowboy, “Yeah, a real showman.”

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Chapter 5. The Wood County Fair.

The most exciting even in the summer is the Wood County Mid Summer Dance and Fair. It’s a time to see people from the

communities that surround the county seat. Everyone comes out to the evening dance and to take the family to the fairgrounds. Here there’s an old fashion

circus with Rides, a midway with games and a big top tent with a small collection of animals like an elephant, ponies and chimps. DB has gotten a job at the fair where her sells Corny Dogs and French fries from a food joint on the midway. During

his break time he wanders of to watch the Boxing Monkey. This is a joint on the midway where men are coxed into a boxing match with a 45 lb chimpanzee named Tito the Boxing Chimp. It’s a 10’+10’ steel cage with a door with a second hand clock over it. The young woman Laura who runs the

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joint is very attractive and clever. She sees DB coming and starts her talk. “Hay good looking. You look like a strong guy. How about a game of skill. If you can stay in the cage for 30 sec. With Tito I’ll pay you $20 dollars. Cat got your tongue?” DB, “I don’t have time now. I’m on a break. I sell Texas Corny Dogs.” He is smitten with her good looks and personality. But is reluctant to step into cage to prove his manhood. Laura, “Catch you later. What’s your name?” He shyly answers, “DB, DB Larva.” Laura asks, “What kind of name is Larva?” He answers, “My Dad is from Corpus Christi.” Laura, “So, You’re a Mexican?” DB, “On my Dads side of the family. My mother is French Canadian.” Laura, “See, I knew you had a lovers heart.” DB, “Yeah.” Laura, “French men are very sexy.” DB, “They are?” Laura, “I don’t know for sure. But my mother Vivian is a performer and she says Frenchmen are very good lovers.” DB, “Really?”

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Laura, “How about showing Tito you’re stuff. Here just put on these boxing gloves and helmet.” DB, “But I’m late for work.” Laura, “Don’t forget to come back.” DB, “OK.” He walks off down the midway looking back every few steps. Over the loudspeaker he hears the song “Down in the Boondocks” by Kenny Loggins. Down in the boondocks People put me down 'cause that's the side of town I was born in Down in the boondocks Down in the boondocks People put me down 'cause that's the side of town I was born in

I love her and she loves me But I don't fit her society Lord have mercy on a boy from down in the boondocks

Every night I will watch the light from the house upon the hill I love a little girl that lives up there, I guess I always will But I don't dare knock on her door

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Her daddy is my boss man So I'll just have to be content To see her whenever I can

Down in the boondocks, down in the boondocks People put me down 'cause that's the side of town I was born in

I love her and she loves me But I don't fit her society Lord have mercy, on a boy from down in the boondocks

Down in the boondocks, down in the boondocks

One fine day I'll find a way to move from this old shack I'll hold my head up like a king - I never, never will look back Until that morning I'll work and slave And I'll save every dime But tonight she'll have to steal away To see me one more time

Down in the boondocks Down in the boondocks

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People put me down 'cause that's the side of town I was born in

I love her and she loves me But I don't fit her society Lord have mercy on a boy from down in the boondocks Lord have mercy on a boy from down in the boondocks Lord have mercy on a boy from down in the boondocks

That night about 8:00 is the Wood County Mid Summer Dance. Madame, Bob and Fly make their way through the crowded Town Square. Everything is closed but the Café and Coffee Shop. Bob looks over at the Café. “I aint paying $3.50 for no cup of coffee. That’s just stupid.” Fly is playing with Peaches and her hair in the back seat of the family station wagon. “Dad, it’s called a Café Latte’. I’m hungry. How about a corny dog at DB’s Texas Corny Dogs stand?” Madame, “She knows all about Café Latte’”. Bob, “We aint spending money at the fair. Everything cost 10 times what it should be.” Madame, “Can’t you be a big spender for just one day a year?” Bob, “I just feel like their getting over on me.”

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Madame, “Like I asked, can’t you put the kibosh on being an asshole for just one day. The kid wants a corny dog.” Bob, “OK.” Madame, “No. I’m taking out of your allowance.” Fly, “What allowance.” Madame, “Not you. His karaoke money. He’s been spending way too much time fooling around over in the bars.” Bob, “I’m not just fooling around. I’m an entertainer. A Crooner. I have my own CD.” Madame, “Well that’s great. You go out and make a CD at the mall and you’re a star.” Fly, “All I wanted was a corny dog from DB’s stand.” They walk up to the Corny Dog stand where DB is very busy with customers. Bob, “DB get me a dog on a stick.” DB, “You got to get in line.” Bob, “Don’t be stupid.” Fly, “Dad you got to wait in line like everyone else.” Bob, “Yeah.” Madame, “I told you once.” Fly waits her turn. She asks, “Can I have the Special Texas Corny Dog.” Bob, “You don’t have to ask for a dog. He’s an order taker. Just tell him what you want.”

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DB, “No. I’m a customer service representative.” Fly, “You tell him DB.” DB, “My break is now.” Fly, “Show us the ropes around here.” DB, “You got to see Tito the Monkey.” Fly, “I love monkeys.” The family walks down the midway to meet Laura at the Boxing Monkey cage. DB introduces the family. “This is may Dad Bob, sister Fly and Mom. Everyone calls her Madame.” This is Tito the Boxing Monkey. Bob Fly walks over to the cage carrying a Peaches meows at Tito.

Laura, “Hello there. looks at it briefly.

wicker basket with Peaches in it.

He smiles back with his teeth showing and lips pealed open ending with a kissing expression. Fly, “He loves me.” DB, “Leave him alone.” Bob, “Get away from there.” Tito growls at Bob. Madame, “I Don’t think the monkey likes you Bob.” Bob, “Some boxing monkey looks like a pushover to me.” Laura, “You can win $100.00 if you can stay in the cage for 20 sec without begging to get out.” DB, “He’s a tough little monkey.”

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Bob leans back on the cage opening his wallet. Fly, “Dad was in the Golden Gloves down in Corpus Christi back in the good old days.” Tito swings across the cage to be behind Bob. Bob, “Well I wasn’t in the ring with monkeys that’s for sure.” Madame, “Those chimps are very strong.” DB, “He’s nothing to sneeze at.” Bob, “I’m sure.” Laura, “Well for just $20 bucks you can make $100.00. about it? Just put on the gloves and helmet.” Now,

Bob, “I don’t want to hurt him. These hands are legal weapons.” Tito is looking over Bobs shoulder as he opens his wallet to check on his cash. Tito takes off one boxing glove and reaches out with his long arms a lifts a 20 dollar bill from Bobs billfold. Tito stuffs the 20 into his clove and puts it back on. Bob startled yells, “Hay. money. Little bastard.” What the hell. He stole my

Tito bears his teeth from behind his helmet. Peaches hisses at Bob. Fly, “Dad better shut up.” DB, “Tito will box your ears.”

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Bob, “No monkey is going to make a fool out of me.” Laura hands Madame a 20, “Here Mrs. Larva that way your hubby won’t have to go in and to get yours back. tough little hombre. Take it and be on your way.” He’s a

Bob, ”No way, I’m going in.” Madame, “Don’t be stupid Bob.” Bob refuses to listen to Madame. boxing gloves. Laura opens the door. up.” Bob reassuring, “I know how to defend myself.” All eyes are trained on the clock second hand over the door. Bob steps through the door and she shuts the door, the second hand starts ticking. Bob looks around the cage “Just remember to hold your gloves He puts on the helmet and

but can’t see Tito hanging from the cage over his head. Reaching down Tito grabs Bobs face guard and pulls off his helmet. Bob spins around looking where it went. down on Bob’s shoulders from behind. around trying to dislodge Tito. Tito drops

Bob starts spinning

But Tito loves the

spinning around a starts laughing. Bob, “Son of a bitch.” Fly, “Don’t make him mad.” Bob starts trying to punch at Tito as they are spinning. But Bob just gets more and more dizzy. He begins staggering

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around the cage.

The second clock hits 10 sec when Bob

makes a wild left hook that connects on Tito’s helmet. Tito responds with a smile and his best moves. He holds Bob’s helmet face guard in one hand. With the other hand he holds Bob’s chin. Then he starts swinging the helmet with a back and forth motion to Bob’s ears. Back and forth, over and over so quickly that Bob starts to scream in pain. “Ow. Help, my ears.” Laura, “You want out? Say uncle.” Bob, “Uncle.” But Tito is having fun beating Bob’s ears into cauliflower. Peaches, Tito, Fly, DB and Madame are laughing at Bob. Laura commands Tito to stop. Walking quickly out of the cage Bob says, “That monkey is a cheater. He is supposed to stand up fight like a man.” Laura, “You got in one good punch Bob.” Holding his head with both hands, he’s not amused. Laura continues, “Who’s next? I’ve still got a 20.”

Laura, “Better get some ice to put on those ears. It will keep the swelling down.” Bob, “Thanks for the tip. (under his breath) Damn carnies.” They walk away with Peaches sitting up in the wicker basket smiling at Tito.

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During the next few days DB and Laura talk about his deformed dog paw foot and his nick name DB. She points out

a new career path as an attraction in the freak show on the midway. Here DB could take advantage of his birth defect.

DB and his dogs Little and Chi Chi can go on the road as part of the act. She suggests growing out his hair on the dog paw side of his body (including his head and face) and to shave the normal side. So, DB can be transformed into “DB, born half man, half dog, raised as a dog in a farm house and discovered in the back woods of Texas.”

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Chapter 5 The Freak Show.

The family is sitting down to Sunday dinner eating corn on the cob, summer squash and fried yard bird. DB announces, “I’m joining the circus. I’ll have my own

act. Dog Boy, born half man, half dog, raised as a dog in a farm house and discovered in the back woods of East Texas.” The news of DB being transformed into “Dog Boy” the circus freak is greeted with mixed emotions. Bob, “What the fuck is wrong with you. shut your trap. Eat your dinner and I need you

You’re not going anywhere.

around here to help.” Madame Larva is convinced that this development will lead to disaster for his resume. house and a steady paycheck. But it will get DB out of the There are many questions one

of which is about how he will take the two dogs Little and

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Chi Chi. After all she doesn’t want them around without DB, they know no other master? DB has some answers, “I’m going to take Little and Chi Chi along as my Mom and Dad in the show.” Madame lights her glass pipe, “But people aren’t that stupid.”

DB, “Laura assured me that they are. believe anything.

She said they will

Fly, “Look at what they put on the cover of The Globe in the supermarket.” Bob, “Getting those useless mutts off the davenport and out from under foot, that’s a plus.” Fly, “All they do is chase Peaches around in circles.” Bob eating a corn on the cob, “They scare the customers too.” DB, “That’s not their fault.” Bob, “People aren’t afraid of them, it’s you that scares them.” DB, “That’s bull.” Bob, ”What about that little girl.” DB, “What?” Bob, “You know what.”

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Madame, “That kid was just upset because Chi Chi bit her mother in the ankle.” Fly, “Yeah, the sight of blood does that.” DB, “That’s why I’m leaving home. No one can talk to me

about what I want to do with my life.” Bob, “But so far all we heard was how you are going to become a freak show carnie. What do you expect.”

Madame, “Yeah I didn’t raise you to become a carnie.” DB, “Well what did you expect?” Madame, “We thought you would become a insurance broker or a car salesmen.” Bob, “Like the Duck insurance company AFLAC.” DB, “So, I tried some different stuff. But things didn’t work out.” Bob, “You lost that job at the lumber yard.” DB, “That wasn’t my fault.” Bob, “That was the biggest fire in the town’s history.” DB, “You’ll never let me forget that.” Fly, “At school when the volunteer firefighters come to do a show and tell, they always show pictures of the lumber yard fire.” Madame, “Yeah, you’re already famous DB.” DB, “Gee thanks.”

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Bob, “Like that woman we saw on TV who burned herself up with a cigarette.” Fly, “That was spontaneous combustion.” Bob, “What?” Fly, “Sometimes people just explode into flames.” Bob, “What a bunch of crap.” Fly, “They say it happens all the time.” Bob, “You’re full of it.” Fly, “There was this guy who was out drinking with a woman in a Karaoke Bar in Dallas. that. Poof.” He just exploded. Just like

Madame, “His wife walked in and hit him over the head with a coke bottle.” Bob, “Damn that must hurt.”

Once committed to the freak show entertainment opportunity Bob and DB spend weeks working on the broke down motor home that has been parked in the yard. It was in a dilapidated

condition and needed a complete over hall and custom paint job that would help promote the Dog Boy Show. great farm equipment mechanic. breaks and pluming. Bob is a

So he worked on the motor,

DB cleaned out the interior and grew Fly painted a

out enough hair to make it all believable.

graphic across both sides of the motor home that was her

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best effort at doggy portraits of Little, Chi Chi and Dog Boy. Then she painted across the sides See “The Amazing Half Man, Half Dog.” They were in a bit of a

Dog Boy.

time crunch because the first engagement was just 16 days away in Shreveport, LA. where he would meet up with Laura

at the Hanson Entertainment Shows. As Bob, DB, Fly, Madame and Grandpa stood in the driveway looking at collective talent to transform the motor home into a traveling Freak Show Home Bob says, “Well my boy see what the Larva’s can accomplish when we put our talents to work.” DB, “Wow. She’s a beauty.” Fly, “The paint job makes it special.” Grandpa, “Can’t believe what you did with that hunk of crap.” Madame, “If things don’t work out maybe we can sell it.” DB, “Thanks for the confidence builder Mom.” Bob, “Well, got to admit DB your resume has a few gopher holes.” Fly, “I think you’ll do great DB. And even if you don’t,

think of all the corny dogs and cotton candy you can eat.” On the midway of the Hanson Entertainment Freak Show, DB and the dogs have settled into the Dog Boy exhibit for the next show.

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The exhibit looks like a window display in a Natural History Museum. The background is a natural East Texas Pine tree trunks, a convincing

piney woods setting.

painted of a pine forest on the back wall, a lean two, three camping bowls and a small campfire where DB, Little and Chi Chi are posed for the people who walk by. Beside them in a display is a beaded woman named Marie. She is an old timer. She has been on the show since 1985

when the show belonged to another company and she was a young woman of 30. Her beard started growing when she was

16 years old and she quickly gave up on shaving because she had a 5:00 shadow at noon. Her school mates in White River No matter how many times

Vermont never quit teasing her.

the school teachers punished the bullies, it never let up. She is a shy but resigned to her fait as a freak. She was married once but he ran off with a man with no arms. A thalidomide baby from the 50’s when many children were born with flippers for arm and legs. He said he was looking for a mate that needed him for moral support and compassion. She didn’t think being a thalidomide baby boy was any worse than a woman with thick facial hair. But life goes on and Marie makes a good living and finds acceptance with the carnies. DB and Marie have lively conversation between shows. Marie does love dogs. On the other side of DB’s

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exhibit is the surly “The Alligator Man” who they call “Al” is floating in a swamp setting wearing an alligator head and skins over a wetsuit. It is very convincing. His arms But all

and legs look like human ones with alligator skin.

this covering is itchy and hot even in the water tank he floats around in. The attraction “Talker” is a 22 year old man named William who was a Tall man at one point but decided to be a talker because he’s a great crowd announcer and attracts spenders. The show starts with William walks out into the midway crowd towering to 7 feet tall wearing an Abe Lincoln suit and stove top hat. piercing voice . He starts his talk with a high sound “Hay there citizens, I have a story to

tell about a young baby boy is miraculously born to two dogs, his mother Chi Chi and father Little in the piney woods of East Texas. believing. How could that be? But seeing is

He walks on all fours, eats and sleeps with his He can bark like a hound, case

mom Chi Chi and dad Little.

birds though the forest and out run the county game Warden. There’s a legion in the people who live deep in the woods that until they walked out of the woods to avoid a forest fire, the dog family was only seen on nights of the full moon. Like werewolves they were relentlessly hunted and the legion of the Dog Boy grew. Now for the price of a Sunday

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newspaper you can see the entire family in their natural setting. Plus for the same ticket price, in her fully

natural facial hair, Marie the world famous Marie the Bearded Woman. But that’s not all, see “The Alligator Man”. You will be amazed and shocked at the man that is Al “The Alligator Man”. The visitors gate opens for people to walk by the viewing displays . They stop and pear in at DB feeding and playing

with the dogs. One 10 year old Kid says, “That little white dog is ugly. Yuck, Dog Boy is giving them food from his mouth.” Mother, “Henry, Dog Boy is licking his gonads.” Henry, “His own? Hay that’s sickening, man.”

Another Father, “Hay buddy that’s not something kids should see.” Henry walks back to the Freak Show gate. William is

counting the money. Henry, “What the fuck is going on here. Dog Boy licking his nads. Sick fuck.” It’s a freak You got this guy

William, “That’s why they call them freaks. show. See the sign.

We are not responsible for what the

freaks do that may offend you.” Henry, “I want my money back.” William, “This is a one way ticket Pal.” Henry, “We’re out of here.”

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Two teenage boys buy tickets for them and their girl friends. Teen boy, “I told you about the freak that licks his nads.” Girl, “His own balls? I got to see this.”

Al The Alligator Man is yelling at DB, “You son of a bitch. That’s cheating you are getting people to come back by doing that.” DB, “I’m half dog, so I can do whatever dogs do.” Al, “You’re a mutant not a dog, the city could shut us down.” Teen Boy, “Look at Dog Boy. He’s smelling Chi Chi’s ass.”

William, “There’s no law against smelling her hole.” Woman, “Pardon me but in Florida, where I come from they call that bestiality and it’s illegal.” William, “OK. I’ll have to put that on the sign. It’s

illegal in Florida to lick your own gonads in public.” Teen, “Cool. What a pervert.”

Henry walks away with the family, “Butt hole eater.” William, “Watch the language around here. This is a family friendly place.” Al, “This isn’t a bestiality exhibit. William, “Not any more. It’s a freak show.” See the sign.

If there’s money in it.”

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Marie The Bearded Lady, “Since we’re looking for new ways to improve the show, have you ever seen an Armenian woman’s beard?” Al, “Yeah. You have one on your face.”

Marie The Bearded Lady, “Not that one.” William, “Have you been hiding something?” The Bearded Lady, “Not really. But if it will get more customers I’ll show it off.” Al, “Don’t be bashful Marie.” William, “Lets take a look.” Marie The Bearded Lady, “Sure you can’t see anything because of the long hair. See.” She pulls up her dress to reveal another full beard growing in her crotch. woman.” DB, “Jesus that looks like one of the guitar players in ZZ Top.” William, “Wow just look at that thing is growing down to your knees.” Al, “Wait, let me take a look.” He climbs out of his exhibit and walks over to her. William, “Get the hell back in there.” Al, “Kiss my tookis.” is amazing. Al takes a long look. “That thing “See, there are many Armenian bearded

It’s like a Rabbi’s beard.”

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William announces, “For the price of a corny dog see the amazing Armenian Bearded woman with two beards one on each end of the pie hole.”

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Chapter 6 On the 4th of July.

The 4th of July is the big summer day of the year on Lake Quitman. Everyone dusts off trailer boats and halls them down Country Road 1420 to a small launch. As the men back the trailers into the lake many crush the taillights on the pickups as they load in the family party barge or other water craft. By the end of the day there’s a pile of broken red plastic on the ramp. For a day and most of the night there’s of beer drinking to excess and grilling of anything eatable. But when night

falls behind the trees across the lake which resemble cauliflower, all hell breaks loose with fireworks displays form every lawn. The Texas fireworks laws are put aside during the weeks just before the 4th. So, the roadside

fireworks stands open up for business selling everything

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from Black Cat fire crackers to bottle rockets to aerial displays and the occasional dangerous but effective homemade display. Plus, there are always the regular

firearms that come out after a lot of beer, in remembrance of the Declaration of Independence. off into black star lit shy. A mass of ammo goes

The mussel flash’s, light up

with small bursts of flame like butane lighters at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. There’s the oooh’s and ahhhh’s every time a rocket explodes. Only Peaches seems to be bothered by all the She winces at every light and

audio / visual stimulation. sound explosion.

It may be that she was a wild cat for so

long that she had experience being mistaken for wild game. But there’s still a rebelliousness side in her spirit. Darrel and Carol Booth have organized a family gathering including their 20 year old son Sargent Booth who every one calls Sarg. The Booth’s lake house is a prefab log cabin sitting on telephone pole stilts. The Larva’s are gathered on the lawn in front of the lake house enjoying the show. Fly has been

chasing Peaches around the yard in vane attempts to keep her from running off into the woods behind the house.

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Darrel has manically aliened bottle rockets along the wooden deck in front of house. All the rockets are facing the lake so there’s no chance of a wasted shot. He says to Sarg, “See kid this is how it should be done.” Sarg, “This is great, like firing rockets at the Arabs in Dessert Storm.” Darrel, “Yeah those bastards got what they had coming.” goes on arranging the exact flight path of each rocket. spent over $200 this year. duper fire works display. done by a pro.” Carol walks up from behind him through a sliding glass door. “Darrel don’t you think you’re setting this rocket display too close to the house?” Darrel, “Leave it to me. This is something I’ve done many times, only with the real thing. When we fired them in the The deluxe package. Super He “I

I want everyone to see how it’s

desert near Basra the sky would light up like all hell was cutting loose. display.” Carol, “It just looks like you’re too close to the house.” Darrel bends over with a lighter, lighting the first rocket. “Here we go, fire in the hole.” The first rocket So, I ought to know set up a 4th of July

fires off perfectly into the sky and explodes over the lake.

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Darrel, “See perfect shot.” He moves down the line of rockets lighting them as he moves along. Peaches is very upset and runs across the porch.

Darrel hates cats and tries to shoe her off the porch by kicking her. Darrel. But she sees him coming and runs behind

He spins around to kick again and knocks over the It goes off into the open door sliding

last rocket he lit.

door of the cabin and into the back bedroom. As it flies through the house it sprays white hot sparks along the way catching curtains and carpeting of fire. Darrel has spun around and is looking into the sky wondering where the rocket went. Carol spots the fire. “Get the hose from the back.” Darrel, “What the hell are you talking about?” Carol, “Sarg, go get the hose from the back.” Sarg, “Dad had me take it to the farm last week.” Carol, “Great. Just great.” Darrel, ”You dumb ass. I told you to bring it with you today.” Sarg, “Yeah, but I forgot.” Darrel, “Dumb ass.” Sarg, “You always blame me when shit happens.” Darrel, “Wonder why?”

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Carol, “Darrel.

I told you not to put those fireworks so

close to the cabin.” Fly walks up to Sarg watching the cabin on fire. comforting Peaches in her arms. Fly, “Too bad. What a shame.” Sarg, “I get blamed for everything.” Fly, “Me too.” The Larva family has joined the crowd forming in the driveway. Grandpa says, “I knew there was a reason I should have stayed home.” Fly, “This will give you something to talk about with your HAM radio friends.” Grandpa, “Yeah, I wish Big Mama was here to see this. Bless her soul.” Madame walks up. “It just goes to show, you never know.” Bob, “What a stupid idiot.” DB answers, “I didn’t do anything.” Bob, “I didn’t say you did it.” Darrel is running back and forth to the lake with a bucket trying to extinguish the fire. By the time the all She is

volunteer fire department from Quitman can get off work from the Berkshire’s Grocery store, the fire is out of control and Darrel is near exhaustion.

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There was a hive of African killer bees under the cabin who have been chased out into the yard by the heat of the fire. The cabin is completely engulfed in flames. The Bee’s are

stinging Darrel and the other party goers around the yard. Carol is standing in the driveway when the firefighters arrive. Carol, “Now where am I going to go to get some peace and quite?” Darrel running from the bees, “You wanted to put the place up for sale last week.” Carol, “But still.” DB, “This is the best fireworks display I’ve ever seen.” Bob, “Don’t be stupid.” Grandpa, “If you aren’t afraid of the bees they won’t bite you.” Darrel is very upset at the cabin fire. He looks at

Peaches with a warriors evil eye. “I’m doing to kill that cat.” He instructs Sarg, “Sarg, get the silver bullet out of the truck and make sure there’s a full clip of ammo.” Sarg walks out to the road to the families red pick-up truck. DB tags along. DB, “What’s the silver bullet?” Sarg, “It’s my Dad’s silver plated AK 47.” DB, “Where did

he get that?” Sarg, “When he was in Iraq he liberated some of Sadam’s prized firearms.” He opens the truck door and

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pulls the seat forward to reveal a beautiful silver plated AK 47. “This one was shipped back in the casket of one of She a beauty.” DB, “Can I hold

the Dads army buddies. it.” Sarg, “Sure.

Just don’t pull the trigger.”

The boys walk up to Darrel tending to his many bee stings. Darrel, “Give me that, you don’t know anything about machinery.” Sarg, “What are you doing?” Darrel, “Something I should have done then that cat pissed in my new truck.” Sarg, “Man did that stink.” DB, “Peaches can make a mean spray. You should smell the travel trailer.” Darrel, “So that’s why you can’t sell it.” He cocks the AK47. “Now where’s that stinking pussy cat.” He’s got a gun.”

DB yells out, “Run for it Fly.

Fly whispers into Peaches ear and tosses her to the ground. The AK47 goes of accidentally in Darrel’s hands, shooting into the sky. It has jammed and won’t stop fireing. Tree

limbs fall into the crowd. Grandpa yells out, “Yee Ha. Big Mama here I come.” Fly

Carol rushes to Fly and says, “It’s all your fault.” holds her ground.

“As you can see Darrel caused the fire

by his incompetence and carelessness.”

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Carol, “You little twit. to?” Fly, “A flabby old witch.”

Who do you think you’re talking

Carol, “I’m a black belt in Karate.” Fly, “I don’t know for sure, but that has to be a giant belt to fit over your big fat ass.” Carol, “Any time any place. Little girl.”

Fly, “How about in the park gazebo.” Carol, “Ah, Ah OK.” Fly, “How about Friday night at 6:00.” Carol, “You better get some life insurance.” Fly, “Just don’t forget to show that ugly face.” Darrel has shot off all of his AK47 clip and walks over to Carol. “Stupid Russians. Everything they make is shit.”

Fly picks up Peaches, “Nice fireworks display Darrel.” Darrel, “What did the Larva dwarf want?” Carol, “Cretan. Oh nothing I can’t handle.”

All that week everyone in town is talking about the extreme girl fight that is fixin to happen at the park gazebo. The local Justice Spacek, Sissy’s Spacek’s second cousin, has appointed himself to be the fight referee. The whole town

of Quitman shows up for the Ultimate tough woman match between Carol Booth and Felisha Larva. The word spreads in the Brookshire’s Grocery store as people check out they

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talk about what is going to happen on Friday night.

Carol

is the point spread favorite at the Quitman Lumber yard as well. However, Fly is loved as the underdog at the Dollar Store and Family Dollar where she is a valued customer. Bob says, “The Larva family name is at stake here.” Madame

is very worried about Fly because her Horoscope is bad for Friday. “The moon is void during the time from 5:00pm – 8:00pm. Plus, Venus is void all week.”

Fly says, “I’m gonna kick that fat pigs ass.” Friday night Fly shows up at the Wood County Park Gazebo with Peaches. Madame Larva. She is accompanied by Bob, Grandpa, DB and Carol and Darrel have come loaded to bear

with marshal arts weapons, muck luck sticks, a ninja sword and sharp throwing disks. outfit with black belt. Fly is dressed in orange tights, yellow rubber gloves, safety glasses and clear plastic rain coat. She got everything at the Dollar Store for 6 dollars. Her weapon of choice is a double bushel basket of over ripe yellow summer squash. The Judge is not happy with what Carol has brought along. “You better stash those weapons there, Ms Booth.” DB, “That ain’t fair. They got muck chucks.” She is dressed in a white karate

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Madame, “What in the world are you people thinking?” Carol, “Well, she said she was going to kill me. What would you do?” The Judge, “Felisha Larva doesn’t look like a killer to me. But I think its only fair to ask the good people of Wood County who have come here tonight it vote on the weapons.” The crowd yells and claps. One woman yells out. “Yeah,

that’s it. Lets put it to a vote.” Judge, “OK, who thinks Carol Booth should be allowed to keep her muck chucks, ninja sword and throwing disks?” The crowd answers, “No, No way, boooo.” Judge Spacek blows his coaching whistle. Put up the weapons Darrel. This ain’t Vat Nam or something.” Darrel, “OK if you say so. But what about Fly, she got those yellow squash.” Raising his voice Judge Spacek, “Fair enough, What do you folks think. Should Falisha keep the yellow squash?” The crowd yells out, “Yes. them Fly, Fly, Fly.” Carol scans the crowd for anyone who is on her side. Darrel is dumbfounded. President. He’s got a heavy bet with the Bank Yeah. They start chanting. Let

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Judge, “Darrel put those weapons away or contribute them to the county and you can get charged with illegal possession of weapons.” Darrel, “But what about those summer squash?” Judge, “Well, I never heard of anyone getting killed by a over ripe summer squash. Besides she’s up against a woman with Karate Training, a black belt even. The people have spoken.” The Crowd roars. “Get it on.”

Judge Spacek announces, “OK, no biting, gouging of eyes, no noise picking or hair pulling. uncle first wins. The fighter who calls out

Are you ready to rumble?”

Fly shakes her head yes. Carol in a classic karate pose, “OK. If that’s the way you want it. Bring it on.”

The judge blows his whistle and the fight is on. Fly opens up the double bushel basket of squash and takes out two soft juicy ones. She faces Carol 10 feet away, who is moving closer. Fly unleashes the first squash and Carol She

catches it, but it falls to the deck of the Gazebo. steps on it as she moves closer.

Fly throws the next one

that gets through and hits Carol splat in the face. Darrel yells out, “Don’t just stand there, kick her in the mouth.”

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Bob answers back, “Fly, get her again. DB, “Get her Fly.”

You got her now.”

Fly grabs a handful of squash and throws them so fast that she misses Carol but Carol karate chops several of them. One gets loose and hits Bob in the head. But a couple get She

through to Carol. Her Karate outfit is turning yellow.

is wiping off the squash and getting more angry with each hit. She stops looks at Fly. monkey attack posture. Madame says, “Watch out Fly. She’s doing the Killer Monkey.” Fly, “Don’t worry mom.” squash. She gets another handful of Then She poses in the killer

The takes three steps backward and stops.

with a thrust forward she executes a perfect cartwheel to the other side of Carol. the squash in her hair. As she passes Carol she smashes Carol can’t see with all the But Carol has a trick

squash juice running down her face.

of her own. She jumps back, then does a run around left to the squash basket. Now she has the ammo. Fly holds her

ground after round after round of squash hit her face, head, chest and legs. Taking one carefully measured step after another she moves in on Carol. The crowd goes wild. Fly Suddenly

They all expect some real fist ta cuffs now.

stops, takes off her safety glasses, leaps forward, jumps off the slippery squash covered floor into the air, does a

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perfect double axle and lands on Carol’s feet inches from her flabbergasted face. Carol, “Oh, that hurts. Get off of me you little maggot.”

Fly quickly unties Carol’s coveted Karate black belt and pulls it off. She struts around the gazebo waving it over Carol is humiliated. But

her head as the crowd cheers.

being the champion she regains her composure and launches a flying leg sizzers move she learned from a Karate master Kin Chi in Tyler, Texas. But this maneuver should be done

in a mat not a slippery wooden floor and she has gained 35 lbs since her last training trip to Kin Chi. She lands on

the gazebo floor with a very load belly flop and projectile vomit of Kiddy Meal of fried chicken fingers she had just eaten at Sonic. Everyone mouns. Ahhhhhh.

Darrel, “Get up, Booth’s are not quitters.” Carol, “I chipped a tooth. I think its stuck in the wood.” Sarg runs over to his mother to comfort her. Darrel, “Don’t touch her she’s not done yet.” Fly is dancing around the gazebo. Grandpa, “Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee. calling a maggot?” Darrel throws in the towel, “OK, that’s it. The Judge Blows the whistle. Uncle.” Who you

“We have a winner.”

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Chapter 7 The Inheritance.

I guess every family at some point along the way has a kind of inheritance issue. Some are simple and well planed. Some are not and come completely by surprise. One day at Madame’s Antique the mail delivery driver knocked on the front door with a certified letter for Roberto Larva from an attorney in Corpus Christi. The Attorney Melvin Locke

III was a request for Roberto to call his office in Corpus Christi within 10 days regarding an inheritance from the late Mrs. Tarisha Swarez. Bob Larva had apparently come

into some money resulting from the death of his mother Tarisha who his father had declared to the 7 children was a whore who had left them for a truck driver in the late 50’s when they were all just little kids. Grandpa Larva was a bitter man. “Your mama just packed up

her clothing and walked out on day and drove of with a

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truck driver.

She never called or tried to contact us.

What a dirty wetback whore.” It was by all accounts a pitiful scene. Seven small They were on

Mexican children abandoned by their mother.

their own. Mac was beside himself and no had no idea how to take care of children so he moved around where there was work in the farm fields in Texas. But always returning to

Corpus Christi where the Larva family had relatives who could look in on the kids and provide some food and clothing. But as Bob says, “We were on our own.”

The kids became resourceful and learned to be manipulative. Bob was the 2nd oldest and when the Vet Nam War came the other kids were old enough to handle things by themselves and Mac was living back in the house with his new wife Big Mama. Bob joined the Army and was shipped off to war in the jungles of South East Asia. There was many terrifying

experiences Bob recounts about being in Vet Nam. One is a source of nightmares where Bob is in a fox hole on the edge of a Cambodian village. Two hundred yards away two people

were bobbing up looking around behind a pile of dirt. But Bob frightened, high on pot and beer, fired at the two villagers and killed them. Bob had orders to not shoot at villagers because of the Me Lie massacre. Here villagers were killed because the US

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infantryman, were stressed out.

It turned out that they

were mother and daughter who were hiding from the troops. Bob denied anything happened. Later, Bob was sprayed with

agent orange on several occasions along the Vet Nam border and the Ho Chi Min Trail. He believed this was his Karmic payback for the killings. The Pentagon idea was to

defoliate the trail using agent orange, so that the US B52 air raids could see the troop movements and supply convoys coming down from North Vet Nam. A couple of things happened as a result of the defoliation. One was that the people on

the ground could see the US Air Cavalierly gun ships coming sooner and could shoot at them with anti air craft guns and small firearms more effectively. The other thing was in

the long term, agent orange poisoning, that they suffered. For Bob it was a pretty bad experience except for the trips to the bars and whore houses in Saigon, what is now Ho Chi Min City. But what can you expect from a 19 year old with a gun and access to arguably the best marijuana in the world plus all the free beer you can drink. When he came state side, things had changed for the family. All the kids had gotten married or moved to Saint Angelo, Texas. Bob moved to north east Texas to find a farm to That’s when he met Martha

settle into and forget the war.

“Madame” King who was working in a farmers market packing

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tomatoes. Her boss Jimmy Goldberg named her Madame because her had an air of dignity even with her lowly job. Jimmy introduced her to Roberto Larva, a very handsome young man and capable farmer who delivered tomatoes to the farmers market every week. shortly after. The inheritance letter from the attorney in Corpus opens old family wounds between the siblings that were abandoned. But still there was money to be had at a time when everyone was needy. Bob and his brother Jose’ were the only ones So, they were appointed They became fast friends and married

located by Melvin Locke III. spokesman for the family.

Naturally, there was a lot of

mixed feelings about how a mother could abandon 7 small children. But in her last will she makes an attempt to explain why she left them 35 years ago. She wrote, “My dearest children, I know you can never forgive me for leaving you alone with your father. young and afraid and had been beaten many times. I was I have

been guilt ridden because I knew he would do the same things to you. for hating me. I have been a coward. I don’t blame you

Maybe with the money from the oil and gas I hope God and the

leases, you could have a better life. Virgin Mother will forgive me. heaven. Your mother Tarisha”

Someday we will all meet in

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As time passed they lost many family birth certificates and family records. To reconstruct the family tree would be a task that Bob and Jose’ would oversee in Corpus Christi. There are millions of dollars in oil and gas payments that have accumulated in the bank in Corpus Christi but to claim it they must show that all family members are in fact legal heirs. So, they must have proof for the court to the claim the inheritance. The best proof in a court would be a To get the DNA the body

birth certificate or DNA testing.

of Tarisha would have to be exhumed by court order from the grave site in Corpus Christi. Bob has made a point to meet with Jose’ to discuss the issues. But Jose’ is not a trusting soul and Bob has been

fighting with Jose’ about the wording of everything involved in correspondence between them and the other siblings. It’s always been contentious between them

because Bob was caught stealing Tamales from Jose’ back when they were kids. Since then Bob has had many scrapes

with the law over drug possession charges. Bob has a superior attitude because he has 2 years of community collage. No one else has a high school

education, which he uses as a point of proof that he is correct in any debate with Jose’.

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One morning over breakfast Bob and Jose’ meet to discuss the latest developments in the inheritance. Jose’, ”I have been getting calls from Freida and Milly about when they can expect their first check form the inheritance. What should I say?”

Bob, “They’re a pain in the ass.” Jose’, “Yeah, but I have to give them an answer. they’ll keep calling until I do.” Bob, “Screw them. We’re the ones doing the work here.” Or

Jose’, “Roberto, you can’t just say that.” Bob, “My name is Bob. I prefer Bob to Roberto.”

Jose’, “OK but to everyone in the family you’re still Roberto. Have you found your birth certificate?” Bob, “Fuck you Jose’. Kiss my ass.” The waitress walks over to their table. “The manager wants you to know that unless you tone down the language you’ll have to leave.” Bob, “What?” Jose’, “We understand. Don’t we Roberto?” The waitress answers, “This is a family restaurant. Get it?” Bob, “The crying babies are a reminder.” Jose’, “Can we get back to business?” Bob, “I just don’t like to be hassled when I’m eating my oatmeal.”

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Jose’, “Wait a minute I forgot to call Adilia she wants to talk to you.” Bob, “Shit man I don’t want to talk to that stupid bitch.” Jose’, “She said you owe her money and she wants to get paid.” Bob, “Ok, but why now?” Jose’, “Because she won’t stop calling me about it until you talk to her. You don’t return her calls.”

Bob, “Give me your phone.” Jose’, “What’s wrong with yours.” Bob, “It’s temporally out of service.” Jose’, “So you spend your allowance on Karaoke and pot.” Bob, “I’m a performer. business. She can wait.” Jose’, “You never stop with the scams.” Bob, “What?” Jose’, “She wanted to get in a business with you and Ralph. I told her not to.” Bob, “I got her a great investment in Ralph’s invention.” Jose’, ”But she said you and Ralph got her to go to Monterey, Mexico and didn’t tell her you had no money. she paid for all the food, gas and hotels. never paid her back your expenses. And you guys So It cost money to be in the show

What is that?”

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Bob, “Look, Ralph has a great invention for the health care industry.” Jose’, “Yeah I heard about the enema splash board, you guys were going to manufacture in Mexico.” Bob, “Sometimes you win with a great idea and make it big. Look at the computer guy Michael Dell.” Jose, “Yeah but that was her mortgage money.” Bob, “Ralph thought it was going to be easy to get money from these Mexican business men. for the meeting he had arranged. should pay her. It was his deal.” But they never showed up It’s Ralph’s fault. He

Jose’, “What about Adilia?” Bob, “Tough shit she can kiss my wetback ass.” The short over weight manager walks over to the table and grabs Bob by his braided ponytail. Bob, “What the fuck. boxer.” Manager, “Go somewhere else. You’re crazy.” Let me go. I’m a golden gloves

Bob tries to get loose but the manager holds on tight and swings Bob around like he was mixing a batch of Menudo. Bob jumps up and down like a Mexican jumping bean. “No one treats me like that. breakfast.” I wasn’t finished with my

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The manager goes back into the restaurant and retrieved his uneaten breakfast. parking lot. Bob is still jumping around in the This is bull shit.”

Yelling, “I’m not crazy.

Jose’, “He told you to watch your language.” The manager walks up to Bob and pours his oatmeal out on his shoes. shoes. Jose’, “We still need to go to the Corpus Christi hall of records and get copies of and birth certificates. have to order the exhumation of our mother.” Bob cleaning off his shoes with a napkin, “How gross. can’t do that.” Jose’, “Well, its we go and find this paperwork or we will have to pay the $5,000 per each DNA fees for all the family members.” Bob, “But most of us were born on the farms we worked on.” Jose’, “How could I forget?” Bob, “But we’ve got more than 50 people to help. get more money for doing this.” Jose’, “Are you going to be the one that tells everyone your idea?” Bob, “It’s a finder’s fee.” Jose’, “What?” We should I Or well Bob stops jumping and looks down at his new

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Bob, “Like we’re finding their paperwork. worth something.”

That’s got to be

Jose’, “I’m going to call a family meeting so you can present this idea.” Jose’ pushes sister Milly’s phone number. She answers. Jose’, “Hi we’ve been talking and Bob has an idea that he wants to talk to everyone about.” phone. Bob, “I don’t want to talk about this on the phone.” Milly says, “This must be another one of your scams. Go to hell, I’m not signing anything that comes from you.” She hangs up. Jose’, “The attorney said we need everyone on board to take this to the court. around.” Bob, “When?” Jose’, “Now is a good time. Don’t be stupid.” So, lets get it on and stop screwing He hands Bob the cell

The Corpus Christi Hall of records is an annex of the City Hall. Jose’ and Bob approach the clerks counter. The

clerk is not around. Bob asks Jose’, “What time is it I have to be back in Quitman by 9:00.” Jose’, “So you have a big night coming up?”

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Bob, “Well, yeah.

It’s the monthly singing contest. I’m psyched.” “Copies of

And

it’s my shot at $250 prize.

Jose’ looks up at a sign over the counter.

birth or death certificates, are $2 each, cash only.” Jose’ says, “Look at that.” Bob, “They get you coming and going. Where the hell is the clerk?” Jose’, “The sign with the clock dial in front of you says be back in 15 minutes.” Bob, “I saw that. But when did they leave? You always

talk to me like I’m a dummy.” Jose’, “Roberto, not everyone is waiting for you to show up.” Bob, “Don’t call me Roberto. name.” Jose’, “I don’t see a karaoke machine here. difference? What’s the You know that’s not my stage

Your birth certificate reads Roberto Larva.

So don’t get all white on me.” Bob, “You think like a beaner, you act like a beaner, you get treated like one.” Jose’, “In Corpus that all there is. difference?” What’s the

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Bob, “I’m a cross over crooner. I don’t want to be thought of as a Mexican. it.” Jose’, “I guess I’m a dirty beaner, wetback, field bean picker.” Bob, “If you say so.” Jose’, “At least I answer to my God given name.” Bob, “Beaner.” The clerk, a young good looking Hispanic woman stops in front of Jose’ and asks in Spanish, “What can I do for you?” Jose’ answers, “We need birth certificates for family members.” Clerk, “How many?” Jose’, “52.” Clerk, “I need a photo ID of each person, a list of names and $104 dollars in cash. Plus, I’ll need a few days.” I’m a Latin cross over crooner. That’s

Jose’ takes out a list of names and starts to look through his wallet. much Roberto. “Here’s the list. I don’t think I have that

How’s about chipping in here.” “The family We should

Bob going through his wallet and pockets. should be paying for this.

This is what I mean.

be getting paid cost plus expenses, to do this.”

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Clerk, “We don’t care who pays. But, I can’t except an order this big without the payment. That’s the rule.” Bob, “Can’t we pay when we pick up the copies?” Clerk looking at the ID’s, “Sorry, Roberto Larva. the way it is.” Bob tries to sweet talk her, “But, I need to go to singing engagement tonight and I need all the money I have with me.” Clerk, “Well, I’ll just take the money you have and make that many copies. When you come back in bring the rest of But That’s

the money and ID’s, I’ll make the rest of the copies. that’s the best I can do.”

Bob gets angry, “You expect me to drive all the way from Quitman to Corpus again?” Clerk, “I don’t care. You have to get me the money. I just

need it before I make the copies.” The clerks supervisor a tall big boned Anglo woman named Clair who vaguely resembles Big Bird, walks up to the counter. “Do we have a problem here?” Bob answers, “Yes I do. We don’t have all the cash here

now to make all these certificate copies.” Supervisor, “So just come back when you have the money.” Bob, “Why can’t you make the copies and we’ll pay you when we come into pick them up? This is a court matter.”

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Supervisor, “Because you may never come back, we can’t do that.” Bob, “I’m an entertainer and I have an engagement back in East Texas tonight. So, I would take it as a personal

favor if you would make the copies and let Jose’ here come back with the cash.” Supervisor, “No.” Bob, “That’s bull shit. exceptions if you want.” Supervisor, “Not today, or any day. And if you don’t stop I’m a VET and I know you can make

with the foul language I’ll have you removed and bared from City Hall.” Jose’ points to his head , “I understand. little high strung.” Supervisor, “That may be, but he better get a grip.” Bob pointing his finger, “That’s shit. put up with this. I’m not going to He’s just a

Who’s your Supervisor?”

Supervisor, “I’m the supervisor.” Bob, “In Nam, we fragged ass holes like you.” The Supervisor pushes a panic button under the counter, “I was in the Army mister and I know what you are saying.” Jose’ grabs Bob by the arm and pulls him toward the door just as a uniformed policeman walks in.

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Jose’ says, “It’s OK, we were just leaving. Sorry for the disturbance.” Policeman pulls his revolver and points it at Bob, “You’re under arrest.” Bob, “For what? This is crap. I didn’t do anything.”

The policeman, “You just can’t threaten a public official.”

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Chapter 9 Texas State Fair.

Dog Boy Half Man Half Dog comes to the Texas State Fair in Dallas. In addition, to the Midway Freak Show, DB also has In the animal

a performance part in the dog exposition.

arena DB, Little, and Chi Chi ran an obstacle course through barrels, hurdle jumps, a mud pit and ring of fire. The object was to show how Dog Boy learned to run on all fours and at the end of the course jump though a ring of fire. They had two days of rehearsals and then the first

performance. For the Larva family, The Texas State Fair is the high point of the year. Madame is always up for the Carnation

pie making contest in the food pavilion. People from all over Texas, Arkansas and Oklahoma come to shop at the big Dallas Shopping Malls and see the Cotton Bowl Game. For

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the Larva’s there’s a lot to see at the fair grounds Including the food pavilion where different Texas foods like dairy and beef products are displayed. In fact, there

is a display sculpture every year that is made of butter. Some years it’s a butter cow. The pie cooking contest

which Madame enters and wins every time with her Madame Larva’s Peach Pie, made with peaches from the Larva Orchard. There’s just one tree in the Larva peach orchard that produces peaches that have the distinctive flavor that Madame is famous for her blue ribbon winning peach pie. Bob is interested in the out doors music concerts. musicians, singers and dancers perform in contest. Here The big

prize this year is a Chevy Pick-up truck with the extended cab which is featured in the Automotive Show is very popular with folks back in East Texas. GrandPa is having a tough time walking around so Bob barrowed a motorized wheelchair from a family who’s grand mother just died. Grandpa is loving it. He has been at the

Budweiser exhibit most of the morning and is past the legal limit. But between the curly fries, Texas Corny Dogs and Turkey legs he is holding his own against the mass of child strollers in the park. At high noon the Dog Show starts in the arena. The whole Larva family including Peaches is there to cheer DB and the dogs on. Here Australian Sheep

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dogs must show how they can herd sheep. staged at the starting line.

They are all

The tenders release the sheep

and they run out into the arena. DB, Little and Chi Chi follow a sheep herding contest Grandpa, ”See, That’s DB chasing the sheep.” Bob, “That’s not DB Pop. He not up till their done.” Grandpa, “I guess I need new glasses.” Madame, “I always knew DB would make good. He got good genes from the King side of the family.” Bob, “Yeah, he’s the talk of the town.” Grandpa, “It’s just like breading cattle.” Fly, “Look there’s DB and the dogs. Waiting to go on.”

Db and the Dogs have American Flags and red, white and blue costumes. The are announced, “Now folds we have a family

of dogs from East Texas who are unusual to say the least. They will do a one minute routine. Running a gauntlet of

barrels, hurdles, mud pit and finally a ring of fire. DB knows that if things go well in the arena show they’ll be photo ops for the local newspapers. Welcome the famous Texas Dog Boy, Little and Chi Chi.” The crowd goes wild with applause. DB leads the way across the

arena followed by Little and Chi Chi.

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He jumps the first barrel followed by the dogs. oozs and ahs.

The crowd

But Little has been eating too many hot dogs

and has gained some girth. Peaches whispers to Fly, “They been eating cat food and cotton candy.” At the hurdles DB clears the first and second ones but Little can’t jump more that 2 feet. He falls and rolls around the ground before regaining his balance. falls over him and rolls into the mud pit. laughs at the site. Bob, “They should keep their traps shut.” Fly, “It’s just fun. Don’t get mental.” Chi Chi

The crowd

Madame, “It takes guts to get out there an make a fool out of yourself.” Grandpa, “What a mess. Stupid dogs.”

DB pushes on unaware of the mishaps following him. He jumps through the circle of fire and lands holding up a burning American Flag. arena. The dogs are playing chase around the A photographer runs over

The crowd is applauding.

to DB as the dogs catch up and snaps a photo. Bob, “Lets get out of here before they find out we’re related.” The next stop is the karaoke contest in the open air stage near the midway rides. Bob has a in 4th performer slot in

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the contest. He has been working on some new songs for this contest. He has been sweating at the sight of the stage. After, DB’s performance he is thinking he’s going to be humiliated by some big city slickers. The line up is posted by beside the stage stairs. over puts on his new glasses and reads the list. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Jimmy Long Back Johnson. Buck Knife Nelson. Corsicana, Texas He walks

Lubbuck, Texas Paris, Texas Quitman, Texas

Patsy Cowgirl Poet.

Bob the Latin Cowboy Crooner. Janis Joplin Pearlman.

Minneola, Texas

Six. Johnnie Mac Gates, The Man in Black, Denton, Texas Bob, “Not her again. Johnnie Mac. She’s following me around. And that

I herd he’s a show stopper.” “That Janis girl is following you?”

Fly walks over to Bob. Bob, “Yeah, crap.

They love her in Dallas. I’m sure.”

Fly, “Like mom says, you never know.” Peaches, “Wish! I’ll put the frog legs on her.”

DB, walks up to Bob, “Sorry dad things didn’t go well for the show. But the photographer said we’ll get a check for the photo he took if I signed a release. hundred bucks. It’s only a

But it’s better than nothing.”

Fly, “What times the singing contest?”

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Bob points at a posted rundown, “ It says here show times at 10:00, 2:00 and 6:00.” At the 6:00 show the Announcer starts, “The Texas State Fair Karaoke Contest Contestants are… One. Jimmy Long Back Johnson. Two. Buck Knife Nelson. Corsicana, Texas

Lubbuck, Texas Paris, Texas Quitman, Texas

Three. Patsy Cowgirl Poet.

Four. Bob the Latin Cowboy Crooner. Five. Janis Joplin Pearlman.

Minneola, Texas

Six. Johnnie Mac Gates, The Man in Black, Denton, Texas

One.

Jimmy Long Back Johnson.

"Friends in Low Places," Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots, And ruined your black tie affair. The last one to know, The last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there. And I saw a surprise, And the fear in his eyes, When I took his glass of champagne, I toasted you, Said honey we may be through, But you'll never hear me complain, 'Cause I got friends in low places, Where the Whiskey drowns, And the Beer chases my blues away, But I'll be okay, Now I'm not big on social graces,

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Think I'll slip on down to the oasis, Oh I got friends, In low places. I guess I was wrong I just don't belong but then I've been there before, everything's alright I'll just say goodnight and I'll show myself to the door Hey I didn't mean to cause a big scene just give me an hour and then, I'll be as high as that Ivory Tower and you'll never know,

I guess I was wrong I just don't belong but then I've been there before, everything’s alright I'll just say goodnight and I'll show myself to the door Hey I didn't mean to cause a big scene just wait 'til I finish this glass Then, sweet little lady I'll head back to the bar (haha) and you can kiss my ass

Two.

Buck Knife Nelson.

"Mommas, Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to be Cowboys," Cowboys ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles and old faded levis And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him, and he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars or drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys 'Cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone Even with someone they love Cowboys like smoky old pool rooms and clear mountain mornings Little warm puppies and children and girls of the night

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Them that don't know him won't like him and them that do Sometimes won't know how to take him He ain't wrong, he's just different but his pride won't let him Do things to make you think he's right Three. Patsy Cowgirl Poet… "Crazy,"

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new Worry, why do I let myself worry? Wond'ring what in the world did I do? Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying And I'm crazy for loving you Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying And I'm crazy for loving you. Four. Bob the Latin Cowboy Crooner. Sweet dreams baby Sweet dreams baby Sweet dreams baby How long must I dream Dream baby go me dreaming sweet dream the whole day through Dream baby got me dreaming sweet dreams the night time too I love you and I really love you that won't do Dream baby make me stop dreaming you can make my dreams come true Sweet dreams baby Sweet dreams baby Sweet dreams baby How long must I dream Dream baby go me dreaming sweet dream the whole day through Dream baby got me dreaming sweet dreams the night time too I love you and I really love you that won't do Dream baby make me stop dreaming you can make my dreams come true

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Sweet Sweet Sweet How long

dreams dreams dreams must I

baby baby baby dream

Five. Janis Joplin Pearlman… Take another little piece of my heart. Take it! take another little piece of my heart now, baby, Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh, oh, have a Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Six, The Man in Black, Johnnie Mac Gates… “Ring of Fire.” Love Is A Burning Thing And It Makes A Fiery Ring Bound By Wild Desire I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire I Went Down, Down, Down And The Flames Went Higher And It Burns, Burns, Burns The Ring Of Fire The Ring Of Fire I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire I Went Down, Down, Down And The Flames Went Higher And It Burns, Burns, Burns The Ring Of Fire The Ring Of Fire

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The Taste Of Love Is Sweet When Hearts Like Ours Meet I Fell For You Like A Child Oh, But The Fire Went Wild I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire I Went Down, Down, Down And The Flames Went Higher And It Burns, Burns, Burns The Ring Of Fire The Ring Of Fire I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire I Went Down, Down, Down And The Flames Went Higher And It Burns, Burns, Burns The Ring Of Fire The Ring Of Fire And It Burns, Burns, Burns The Ring Of Fire The Ring Of Fire Bob and The Larva’s wait in the crowd for the judges decision. Bob, “DB here’s some cash. Get me a beer.” Grandpa, “What about me?” Madame, “Get me a Funnel cake.” Fly, ”An order of Curly Fries. And a Dr Pepper.” DB, “I don’t think the five bucks Dad gave me is going to cut it.”

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Madame digs through her purse. tickets. They won’t take cash.”

“Here’s some more money for

Peaches, “Get me a fresh bowl of milk.” DB, “I need to write this all down.” Madame, “Take the genus with you.” DB, “OK, Fly lets go.” The Announcer comes back on stage. judges have spoken. “We’re back. And the

We have first place winner, second First the show award goes

place and show awards tonight. to… Jimmy Long Back Johnson. Second place to… Bob the Latin Cowboy Crooner. First place… Janis Joplin Pearlman. Bob, “It was rigged.

Corsicana, Texas

Quitman, Texas

Minneola, Texas She can’t win.”

Bob walks up on the stage to get his Blue Ribbon Award from the Judges. Bob asks a judge, “What in the hell is this? She stinks.” The Judge answers, “Would you like me to give your award to another singer?” Bob, “Hell no.” Judge, “Hit the road stupid.”

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Chapter 10 Madame Larva has an itch.

DB announces that he has met a beautiful young Spanish woman who is his as Fly refers to her as, “His nocturnal secretion.” person. Bob was dubious about if she was a real

He and Madame had been wondering about his sanity Could

after the short lived DB Freak Show career failed.

it be that DB has really found his true love with a girl who can’t speak English? Grandpa is thrilled. Madame, “I don’t know for sure but, It may be a good thing she can’t understand him. He defiantly needs an interrupter anyways.” Bob, “If he opens his mouth, she’ll put the kibosh on the whole thing.” Madame, “We don’t always agree.” Grandpa, “Has she got big boobs?”

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DB, “Not really.” Fly, “So when did you see her boobs?” DB, “At the B Girl Club in Longview. She’s a professional dancer. She said it hurts to dance nude with big boobs.” Madame, “It’s time for my shower. hear now.” Bob, “Keep talking.” Peaches has been playing with Madame’s favorite antique toy. A plastic Firefighter Monkey with Helmet and ringing a bell. Madame, “Fly, get that Monkey from Peaches. telling where it will wind up.” Madame and Fly are in the checkout line at Brookshire’s Grocery Store. talk with Fly. Jenny the checkout clerk is making small Jenny, “Hay there Flaisha, how’s things There’s no That’s all I need to

going? You look like you have grown an inch since the last time you were in.” Fly, “Well, DB is getting married soon. Latin crossover Karaoke crooner. infection in the cabbage patch.” Madame is to busy scratching her crotch to pay attention to what is being said. Jenny, “What?” Dad is doing his

And Mom’s got bad yeast

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Fly, “Yes and then she has blood in her poop and chest pains too.” The store manager Mike is walking by and hears the chest pain remark. He asks Fly, “Who’s got chest pains?”

Fly, “My mom has chest pains.” Mike, “OK, I hear you.” calls 911. He rushes off to his office and

“This is Mike Berry, I’m the manager from the We have a costumer

Brookshire’s Grocery Store in Quitman. with chest pains. Please hurry.”

He runs out to the checkout counter and talks to Fly. Mike, “I call the EMT guys from Our Mother of Trinity Hospital. They’ll be here is a few minutes.” He brings

over a defibulater that the store supplied after 9-11 because they didn’t want any more customers falling over with heart attacks every time they raised the price of milk. Actually it was an insurance liability issue. The

new laws require a company to have this equipment and a trained person in the store. his newly minted training. him. So, Mike would like to use Plus, being a hero appeals to

He grabs Madame and pushes her to the floor. “Please The EMT’s are on the way. But I’m a trained

lay down.

emergency responder and I can help you.” Madame, “What the hell is going on here?” Mike, “Does your chest hurt?”

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Madame, “Yes.” Mike, “Can you breath OK?” Madame, “What’s that thing you got there?” Mike, “It’s an emergency defibulator.” Madame, “A defibitater.” Mike, “No a defibulator. Just relax.” Madame, “How can I relax when you got me on my back on the floor with your hands on my chest?” Mike, “I’m trained in this don’t worry Madame Larva.” Fly, “You’ll be fine mom. Just stay still while Mister I’ve seen this in TV. It

Mike tries out the new machine. works every time.”

Mike takes out the defibulator paddled and jelly. Madame is itching even more that she is scared and her heart is pounding. Mike, “This is going to sting a little.” He opens her

blouse and places the paddled on her chest. Madame, “What the hell? That’s cold.”

He pushes the button and the defibulator fires 2,000 volts of electricity into Madame Larva’s heart. Her body stiffens and her eyes bludge out. Mike reacts, “Perfect.” Her gazed eyes are affixed to the sealing lights. Fly, “Mom can you hear me. I think you killed her Mike.”

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Jenny, “They should have trained someone else. dofis.”

He’s a

The Mother of Trinity Hospital EMT people arrive just moments later along with the Wood County Fire Department fire fighters truck. dilated. They put her on a gurney and rush her over to the local Mother of Trinity Hospital just two blocks away. She is They see Madame stiff, eyes fixed and

greeted by the ER team. At the ER everyone knows what’s happening. Madame at just 57 year old, has had a major

heart attack. The ER Dr stabilizes her and examines her. She is complaining about a vaginal itching, chest pains and blood in the stool. Fly calls DB, Mac and Bob who is performing at the Cowboy Karaoke Bar. Today is his new try out with his Latin The bartender walks over to him.

Crossover Crooner act.

“Hay, Bob your wife the Madame is having a heart attack.” He is very upset at the interruption. “Every time I get a

new routine something happens. Tell her I’ll call when I’m finished.” Bartender, “OK. But I told you no personal calls here.

What do I look like an answering service.” Back in the ER, DB, Peaches and Mac have arrived.

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The nurse receptionist sees the cat and says, “This isn’t a veterinarian office. Take the cat outside.” “Did you know that in a

Fly leans on the nurses station.

New England nursing home there’s a cat who knows when people are going to die?” Nurse, “I don’t hear you.” Fly, “Well, this cat does rounds every day after the Doctors and if someone is going to die that day, she sits on the bed until they go.” Nurse, “You been smoking silly sticks or sniffing glue.” Fly, “No. month.” Nurse, “Look Falisha, you may have been able to con everyone at the ultimate girl fight with Carol Booth but you ain’t gonna get one over on me. outside.” An intern Dr. Timothy Freke walks by and sees Peaches. “What’s up pussy cat?” Peaches meows back. cat?” Fly, “OK. Her name is Peaches.” He walks over to Fly. “Can I hold the So, take the cat It’s in the New England Medical Journal this

Dr Freke, “I was reading about an amazing cat in a medical Journal. It was very interesting.”

Fly, “Was it the cat in the nursing home?”

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Dr. Freke, “Yes.

Where did you hear about that?”

Fly, “There’s an article about the cat online.” Dr. Freke, “The grim reaper in a stray cat. Go figure.” Fly, “Peaches is exceptional. time.” Dr. Freke, “What does she say?” Fly, “If she doesn’t like someone, she says they are a jerk.” Dr. Freke, “Does she like me?” Fly, “OH yes. Listen to her purring. How’s my mom doing?” She talks to me all the

Dr. Freke, “I think she just had a panic attack not a heart attack. But the cardiologist will tell your family after Don’t say anything I’ll get in

he finishes the exam. trouble. out.

I could loose my ER position here if they find But still.”

Not that this place is on the A list.

Nurse over hearing the conversation. blabber mouth.

“Yes, Timothy’s a

And that’s going to catch up with him.” You know gay doctors get I just like to talk to

Dr. Freke, “So, I can’t help it. all the crappy work in Hospitals. people. What’s wrong with that?”

Fly, “I think a Doctor who talks to people will become a great doctor.” Nurse, “Maybe in Dallas. But not in East Texas.”

Peaches hisses at the nurse.

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Fly, “Peaches can read lips, she knows a nasty nurse when she sees one.” Nurse, “I said get that cat out of here.” Dr Freke, “I say she stays.” Nurse, “But this is my area.” Dr Freke, “Yes, but I’m a Doctor. I can do whatever I want. Peaches stays here.” In the examining room Doctor Sahalbatgian an East Indian just finished his EKG. “Madame I believe you may have had a panic attack. Do you have lots of anxiety?” Madame, “Yes, who wouldn’t. HAM radio all day and night. pot to calm his nerves. has been dead for years. Cemetery. Rest her soul.” I have Grandpa talking on the He’s smoking cigarettes and

But then he talks to Big Mama who We planted her in the Baptist

Doctor Sahalbatgian, “You can’t let people bother you this much. In India we respect our elders and realize they will Then they die we send them down the Ganges.

never change.

The river of life.” Madame, “So you just put them in the river and they float away?” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “It’s not quite that simple. It’s a ceremony where the family comes together at the river and we say our good bye’s and a safe trip into the next life.

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Taoist Chuang Tzu said, Some speak all their lives yet don’t say anything. yet sat a lot.” Madame, “Yeah, I always tell my husband Roberto, He likes to be called Bob now that he’s a Latin Crossover Crooner. But Like I was saying, I tell everyone to just keep their mouth shut, especially when we have customers in the my Antique Shop.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “So you must be Madame Larva?” She tries to fix her hair. Doctor Sahalbatgian continues, “I’m not finished with the exam. I need a nurse here for the vaginal exam.“ Others keep their mouths always shut

Madame, “Yes, I have a bad yeast infection that won’t go away. help.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “I don’t know about Callgon.” Madame, “I use it in the bath water when we have a skin infection.” The nurse comes in to the examining room. Doctor Sahalbatgian, “We are going to need a batch of special X spray.? The nurse mixes up a batch of Doctor Sahalbatgian’s special X spray in a bottle. Cough Syrup. Two parts Fabreeze one part Vicks I took a bath in Callgon Beau cay, but it didn’t

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Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Please spray the room.” The nurse walks around the room spraying the mixture into the air. She hands the doctor latex gloves, a face mask and protective glasses. Madame asks, “What is that? The Doctor reply’s, “No. Madame, “Oh. Nice scent.” A special spray for me?”

It’s for us.”

The Doctor lifts up the hospital gown. “Wow. You have a lot of inflammation here. A little more

spray please.” The nurse sprays more into the air. She comments, ”Smells like pizza.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “How long has this been going on.” Madame, “Three or for weeks.” There’s a lot of swelling and drainage. He steps back so

the nurse can see what the infection looks like. The Nurse griminess. Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Is it OK if I allow an intern Doctor to look at this. It’s the only way we can train new Doctors. Madame, “I guess it’s OK.” Doctor turn to the nurse, “Please go get Dr. Freke I think he should see this.”

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Madame, “I’m going to irrigate the labia area which has much inflammation. You’ll feel a cool sensation. It should stop the itching.” Dr. Freke opens the door and puts on latex gloves and a mask. He looks over the Doctors shoulder. “OH, Wow.”

Doctor Sahalbatgian, “We have a very bad infection as you can see. How do you think we should treat this?”

Dr. Freke, “Looks like a bacterial infection to me. Antibiotics regiment. But what started all this

inflammation in the first place?” Dr. Freke, “Madame do you remember what started all this itching?” Madame, “Not really. It just kept getting worst.” Dr. Freke moves in closer. “I see something in there. You

may feel a little pressure Mrs. Larva.” He reaches in, pulls and tugs. Finally after a bit of a

struggle he takes out a 6 inch statue of a monkey wearing a fireman’s helmet, with a tiny bell in one hand. Dr. Freke, “Here’s the little bugger that has caused all the trouble.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Cute little fellow.” Madame, “I was wondering where that went. favorite antique toys.” It’s one of my

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The fact is ER Doctors are not surprised to find all kinds of things in below the waste line orifices. Most common

are Coke bottles, plastic handles and pocket rocket vibrators that slip away beyond the grasp of the user as they are pleasuring themselves. But a firefighter monkey They don’t ask

ringing a bell is a first for these guys. how it got there.

After the exam the Doctor Sahalbatgian asks her come into his office for a consultation. Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Are there anymore things have been going on that I should know about?” Madame, “Well, yes I saw some blood in my poop yesterday.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Strange I didn’t see anything during my exam. What did you eat the other night?” He is 78. We

Madame, “We had a birthday cake for Grandpa.

had his favorite chocolate layer cake with chocolate cranberry frosting.” Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Oh yes, those pestky cranberries can look like blood clots. Maybe?” Madame, “Oh yeah. One less thing to worry about.”

Doctor Sahalbatgian, “Why would you wait so long to see a doctor?”

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Madame, “You charge one price for a visit no mater how many things are wrong with you, so I figure I’m getting my monies worth this way.”

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Chapter 10 Wedding Bells in the Pines.

When DB met Eva Patrone at the TT Girl Club in Longview, it was for him an epiphany of sorts because he felt compelled to tell her all about himself before their first lap dance. She couldn’t understand a word of English. Well that’s not

entirely true, she could she can say, “You like dance…20 dolla.” DB thinks she’s very beautiful and he overlooks the way she dances to the men putting money in her G string. He tells him self it strictly business. After she is finished dancing for the night she has DB take her to her apartment over a family restaurant in downtown Mineola. DB has never seen a woman who has all the cosmetics, lotions and great smelling European perfumes.

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He naturally follows her around like a limping puppy. has found a purpose to his other wise dull life. to do everything for her.

He

That is

Including caring her costumes to

the club to getting her food from the downstairs restaurant. When she talks he just stairs at her totally enraptured with her charm. Also, she has lots of money to spend on whatever they need. money. He has never seen so much

They settle into a routine of getting up at noon,

eating take out from the restaurant, cleaning up, packing a gym bag full of makeup, G strings and pasties. DB loves being seen with her at the club. incredulous. guy like him. like DB. All the guys are

They can’t understand what she is doing with But all the girls have helper/boy friends Their

It’s a common thing in that business.

called ho mules. Eva is very popular with the club patrons because she has the European flare that is so unusual in this part of Texas. After a few weeks she starts to speak enough

English thanks to DB, to be able to express her dreams of becoming an anthropologist and becoming an American Citizen. She wants to save up some money and go to collage DB has never had any real aspirations for

at UT in Austin. himself.

She tells the story of her family back in Spain.

She grew up in a small vacation town on the Meadatidraen

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Sea.

Her dad has always been a gambler and lost the family So, she wants to go to Costa Rica and DB has never seen

owned hotel there.

buy land on the ocean and build a hotel. any one with big dreams before.

Eventually he comes home with her on her day off. charming as always. Fly asks, “What is it like to live in Spain?” Eva, “I can’t say all about it.

She is

But it’s beautiful. So,

beautiful. The ocean I can’t explain.” She starts to cry. DB, “She told me its very beautiful. And when the family

lost the hotel there she cried for a long time. Maybe a year.” Grandpa, “A year?” DB, “Something like that. I don’t know.” Madame, “How terrible. That’s very sad.” I would get

Bob, “Yeah, I don’t believe a year of crying. sick of that. on?”

When she starts crying how long does it go

Fly, “You just don’t have sensitive feelings like she has.” Bob, “Look I’m a performer I have feelings.” Eva walks over to the karaoke machine. “You sing?” Bob, “Well, yes I’m a Latin Crossover Crooner.” Eva, “Please sing. My way. You know?” Bob, “OK. I have a new CD on that one.”

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DB, “Not that again.” Eva knows that every entertainer has a well developed ego. Bob turns on the karaoke machine and sings “I did it my way” half in Spanish, half in English. Grandpa, “Where’s Little and Chi Chi?” DB, “Oh crap, I left them in the truck.” He runs out to his pick up truck and opens the door to let the dogs out. run into the house. Madame, “What is this? look like entertainers.” Grandpa, “They look like hookers. Don’t look Big Mama.” Little is sporting a new choker made of black leather with chrome spikes. Chi Chi is wearing a red leather chocker with red sequence and matching ankle bracelets. Fly, “Wow cool, how great they look.” Eva, “Hear. For Peaches.” Eva digs into her purse and retrieves a diamond studded necklace. Eva, “Cat on hot tin roof. You like?” Fly puts it around Peaches neck. She walks over to a Look at Little and Chi Chi they They

standup mirror and admires her new look. “Meow.” Fly, “Cool.” DB, “Mom wait. The thing is we want to get married.”

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Bob, “You don’t have a job. How are you going to support he?” DB, “Well, Eva has a great job at the club. Hell she makes more than anybody I know.” Grandpa, “Let me see those tits.” DB, “Don’t be stupid. I’m serous here.” Madame, “Grandpa, shut you trap. friend. That’s a plus.” The kids got a girl

DB, “Yeah, I know it looks stupid because she can’t speak English, but I do love her.” Fly, “I say go for it.” Bob, “But she’s one step away from a hooker.” DB, “No. She’s a good Catholic girl. She just shakes her Plus, All

tits for money.

Cause she can’t speak English.

the girls in Spain take their tops off at the beach. What’s the difference?” Bob, “I can’t argue with that.” Madame, “We should get you married in a Baptist Church.” Grandpa, “There ain’t no Catholic Church anywhere around here. This is a blasphemy.” Bob, “Wouldn’t hurt to have another entertainer in the family. As long as it ain’t gonna cost me anything.” Fly, “Then who’s gonna pay for the wedding?”

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Madame, “Well I guess we can do a wedding here on the farm. Right out back. We can dress it up just fine.”

Grandpa, “We can have a BBQ wedding.” DB, “What’s that?” Grandpa, “We get a hog and cook it. to come bye and he marries them. Then we get a preacher

Old school.”

DB, “That’s fine with me, but how do you feel about that Eva?” Eva, “I love DB.” DB, “Then it’s a done deal.” Bob, “She ain’t knocked up is she?” DB, “No way. We haven’t even done nothing yet.”

Grandpa, “You ain’t tried it out yet?” DB, “I told you she’s a good girl.” Fly, “Remember when we voted Grandpa out of the motor home on the vacation to Florida? I say we take a vote.” Peaches walks over to Eva, sneezes and goes to Fly and whispers in her ear. “She’s full of crap. All she wants is a green card. She’s a witch. Throw salt, white pepper and garlic power on her. She’ll go away.” DB, “Everybody in favor raise your right hand.” Madame, “Grandpa can’t raise his arm. stroke.” Fly, “He don’t count anyways.” On account of the

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DB, “OK, that’s it, were getting married. Dad find us a nice little pig. We’re gonna have a wedding and a pig roast. Yahooooo.” Madame, “We’ll drive down to Tyler and get fresh cut roses.” Eva, “Now, I American Beauty Rose. Beautiful.” Bob asks in Spanish, “You ain’t just doing this to get a green card? Or maybe a piece of the inheritance, are you?” Eva answers, “You speak very good Spanish Mr. Larva. Not to put to fine a point on it, but I love DB with all my heart and as you can see I make lots of money. So maybe, I should be asking the same question. From what I can see DB is moving up in the world. No offence intended.” Fly whispers to DB, “Too bad we never learned to speak Mexican.” Grandpa, “What did she say?” Bob, “She said, DB is moving up in the world. OK get married but keep it simple.” Grandpa in Spanish, “I was beginning to wonder about that boy.” DB asks, “We want to get married as soon as possible.” Madame, “What does that mean?” Bob, “He wants to get hitched before someone changes her mind.”

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Madame, “Like one week or one month?” Bob, “You’re not pregnant are you.” Peaches, “She’s gonna have pups?” Eva, “I love Pups. Beautiful.” DB, “No one is pregnant, that I know about.” Eva, (Spanish) “Did some one say pregnant?” Bob, (Spanish) “Yeah, we’re thinking you are ready to make a litter of little TT Club dancers.” Eva, (Spanish) God no. That’s not possible.” Grandpa, “So the kid hasn’t tried the ride yet.” DB, “We’re both virgins.” Bob, “DB always uses a rubber with a new girl. At least for the first few weeks.” Madame, “You never know.” Fly, “Yeah, you could get the crabs.” Bob, “How do you know about the crabs?” Fly, “I was in the library and I read about it.” Grandpa, “I had the crabs when I was in Korea.” DB, “How did you get rid of them.” Grandpa, “Lighter fluid and an ice pick.” Bob, “Don’t ask him anything. Fly, “Why the lighter fluid?” He’s been drinking all day.”

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Grandpa, “You pour lighter fluid on your bush and lite it. When the little bastards make a run for it you get them with the ice pick.” Bob, “That’s just stupid. He’s drunk.” Eva to Bob, “You got the crabs?” Bob, “I got then years ago from a woman in Vet Nam. Before I met Madame.” Eva, (Spanish) “Better get rid of them before the wedding.” Grandpa, “Yeah their like fleas, you can give them to everybody.” DB, “What are you talking about?” Peaches walks over to Madame, “Madame, I think all this talk is making me itch.” Madame, “What’s all this about anyway? The Larva’s don’t get fleas. People will think we’re stupid.” Fly, “I had lice once. Remember when they sent me home from school?” DB, “Can we please get back to the wedding plans?” Madame, “What would Eva want? After all it’s her wedding.” Bob, “She has nothing to say in it, cause we’re paying for it.” Grandpa, “She’s the only one with a paying job. She wants a wedding she should pay for it.” DB asks Eva, “What would you like to do?”

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Eva (Spanish) “I would like Bob to shut up. OK. If the cheap bastard can’t pay for some flowers, then I’ll pay for them.” She starts to cry. DB, “See what you did. No wonder she doesn’t want to have any babies.” Fly, “Yeah Dad. I don’t want any children nether.” Bob, “I hope she ain’t gonna cry for a year.” Madame, “I don’t think this is as bad as loosing a resort hotel in a poker game.” Bob, “I didn’t know her dad lost the hotel gambling.” DB, “Well there’s a lot of bad feelings.” Eva, “Lets go I don’t want to marry this family.” Fly, “See Dad you killed the wedding.” Madame, “Bob you’re officially on probation.” Bob, “What? I didn’t say anything.” DB, “Yeah, Dad you stink. It’s all your fault.” Fly, “She is going to cry for a long time.” Peaches, “She’s faking it.” Fly, “Shut up Peaches.” Grandpa, “Big Mama said, You better say you’re sorry.” Bob, “I don’t believe this crap. Everybody but the cat is pissed at me. Sorry!” Grandpa, “It’s like when you traded the Herman the goat for the karaoke machine.”

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Madame, “We lost the family lawnmower and gained a Mexican Sinatra.” Fly, “Eva is the best thing to happen in this family in since DB got the job in the freak show.” Bob, “OK I’ll pay for the flowers. know?” Fly, “For all you know she’s a real virgin.” Peaches to Fly, “Oh yeah, sure. Spanish virgin stripper.” September 5, The wedding at the Larva farm is staged in the farmhouse backyard. There will be 50 plus guests. The first immaculate Can I go to karaoke

Peaches tells Fly, “The moon is void and Venus is retrograde.” Fly, “I hear you. What’s the odds of it lasting more than a year?” Peaches, “One in five.” Fly, “All she wants is to be an American Citizen. stop it now.” Madame writes a Wedding attendance list… Madame Larva Grandpa Larva Roberto Larva Felisha Larva DB Larva Can’t

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Eva Patrone Jose’ Larva Milly Larva Minny Larva Henroid Larva Rockie Larva Sonny Larva Little Mama King Marvin King Little Tex Elvis Marie the Bearded Lady Carol and Darrel Booth Sarg Booth Scooter and his wife Betty The (2) Chippendales (friends if Eva) Trent and Jake The (4) TT Girls Strippers (friends if Eva) Francine, Cleo, Kitty and

Wedding gifts list. A electric foot massager from Sears. A two lb can of Karma Sutra super lube. 4 Twelve packs of Bush Beer. Six month supply of frozen pizza.

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A portable inflatable heated hydro spa. Satin bed Sheets from Wal-Mart. A wedding cake from a bakery in Tyler.

The good Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson has been requested to lead the wedding ceremony at the Larva Farm. However, the

wedding rehearsal will be held at the Church of the wonderful now. Followed by dinner at the El Rancho Buffet.

Only $5.99 per person. At the church rehearsal everyone is uneasy about what they are being asked to do. The Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson instructs. He takes out a Bible with photo’s of another family wedding. “OK. Who will be the man to give away the bride?” Jake one of the Chippendales answers, “That would be me.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson, “You need to go to the back of the isle with Eva.” Bob, “What the hell is going on here? was going to give her away.” Madame, “She doesn’t want him.” Bob, “Why? He said he wouldn’t get into the Jack until the I thought Grandpa

wedding was over.” Madame, “He grabbed her boobs at dinner the other night.” Grandpa, “Says who?”

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DB, “Just forget it.

You’re not in the wedding party.”

Grandpa, “Well kiss my ass. I ain’t buying a gift.” Eva,(Spanish) “I don’t want anything from you. Old Pig.” She starts to cry. DB, “You people can’t do anything right.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson, “Now, now, there’s always a lot of stress at these ceremonies. Just calm down and follow my

instructions and we’ll get through the wedding.” DB, “That’s why he gets the big bucks.” Jake to Eva, “Are you sure you want to marry into this family?” Eva continues crying only louder.

Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson, “Simmer down everyone.” Madame, “Listen to the good Rev. Dr. he’s the professional here. And we don’t need anymore out bursts cause at this

rate Grandpa’s sugar will get out of control before we can get to the El Rancho buffet. Fly, “Yeah, I’m getting hungry for that Strawberry Rhubarb pie.” Bob, “Is that included in the buffet?” Madame, “Shut you trap Bob, Jesus.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey Jackson, “I don’t know for sure, but I think Jesus would have loved that Strawberry Rhubarb pie.” Madame, “Sorry, Rev. Aubrey.” DB, “Can we move on?”

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Rev. Dr. Aubrey looks at the photos, “That’s a great idea. Now, Bob and Madame you sit together on the right side of the alter.” Bob and Madame sit down on the right side of the Rev. Dr. Aubrey. Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “No. That’s not right.”

Bob, “This is the right.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey points his finger to the other side of the isle, “I meant the other right. To my right.” Madame, “OH. Come on Bob. Don’t be stupid.”

Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Now I need the Groom and best man up here with me, to my right your left.” DB and Sarg walk up to Rev. Dr. Aubrey. “OK, great we are making progress. Who has the brides ring?” DB, “I didn’t bring it.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “OK, I was just testing. Good thing we don’t need it tonight.” Bob, “You snooze you loose.” DB, “I just forgot.” Madame, “Lets keep things moving.” Grandpa, “I’m getting thirsty. My tongue is swoll up.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Who’s the flower girl?” Fly, “That’s me.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “I remember you. How’s the head?”

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Fly, “You did some good my head stopped hurting.” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “DB would you like box to stand on during the wedding? It’s no problem to bring one along.” DB, “What’s that for?” Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Well you are a few inches shy of your bride. I just thought we could even things up for the wedding.” Bob, “Great idea. He won’t look so stupid that way. Every

picture we have it’s hard to find DB cause he’s so short.” Madame, “Yes. Good Idea.”

The next day at the Larva Farm wedding ceremony all the attendees are in their places. few minutes late. DB is nervously pacing around the yard which is covered with Tyler Roses of all colors. “Where is the Rev. Dr. Aubrey?” Madame is in the house bathroom with Milly smoking a bowl of the finest home grown weed from her well used pipe. She looks in the bathroom mirror. “I never thought I would see the day when DB would get married. a stripper.” Milly, “She’s a real beauty. you and Roberto.” Madame, “What’s up with those Chippendales?” I hope they’ll be as happy as Especially to But Rev. Dr. Aubrey is a

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Milly, “I wish I was 20 years younger. I could use one to scratch my back.” Madame looks down at Milly’s huge butt, “That covers a lot of territory these days.” Milly, “You should talk.” Fly taps on the door, “Mom Rev. Dr. Aubrey is here. hurry.” The Rev. Dr. Aubrey has the wedding party in their places. He signals to Bob to start The wedding march music he has in the Karaoke machine. He announces, “It has been requested but the Bride that I read a poem she has written for this her first wedding lord willing her last unless something happens like a death or some accident. So, here goes. The night I met DB at the TT Club, I was expecting to meet my future husband. A psychic reader told me we was going But that’s in the hands bigger than mine. Better

to appear wearing a shirt with a picture of a pit bull on it with the saying, Bite Me, I bite Back. And suddenly

just after a lap dance with this guy named Tatter, I saw DB across the dance floor waving a twenty dollar bill. here he is. My Man. Here’s the love poem. I said

It’s called my

man. My man maybe different, he maybe round, but he’s a real man to the bone. And he won’t leave me alone, that’s

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what he says, I trust him cause he’s my man. And I’m his chicky chicky boom boom. The attendees look at each other with pause. The Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Well I guess that says it all.” Bob, “Can we get on with it? I need to go to the can.” Madame, “Shut up Bob.” DB, “You can hold it just once.” The Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “DB Larva, do you take Eva Partrone as your lawfully wedded wife?” DB, “Yeah.” The Rev. Dr. Aubrey, Eva do you take DB Larva as your lawful wife?” Eva, “Beautiful.” The Rev. Dr. Aubrey, “Then by the power vested in me by the State of Texas. kiss the bride.” The wedding reception begins with Bob yelling out, “Heehaw. Boy do I have to take a crap.” As the beer and Apple Jack flow the Strippers Francine, Kitty and Cleo climb on to tables and dance to the karaoke singing by Jake the Chippendale. Jake, “Here’s one for the newly weds.” I pronounce you husband and wife. You can

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Grandpa drinking a tall glass of his homemade Apple Jack as he dances with Kitty. She does what she does best and

before long she is only wearing a red g-string. Kitty, “Grandpa, you never came to the club?”

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Chapter 11 Christmas with the Larva’s.

Christmas comes to Madame Larva’s Antique shop. This is the time of year when the Larva’s make most of their money selling Antiques and country collectables. year because everyone has money to spent. the case. It’s a good It isn’t always

The antique store is covered with Holiday

decorations and there’s Andy Williams song Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, playing on the Karaoke machine. Customers are milling around. Santa Claus costume. Grandpa is dressed in a

He is drinking beer and smoking while

tapping on his HAM set. Fly is dressed as Santa’s helper and Peaches is walking through all the collectables with bells on. Madame has taken her Mrs. Claus costume out of mothballs and has been wearing it everyday for a month. She decides

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it’s a good time to remodel the kitchen. So, DB and Bob get to work on installing new appliances. Since Grandpa is into the Holiday spirits including Apple Jack and Canadian Club they feel its better to leave sleeping dogs lie. However they realize that the pluming problems they have had with the septic system are only going to get worst. DB’s a friend Sarg works for a Plummer named Scooter that runs a septic honey wagon service. In an attempt to save money Bob wants to do everything himself except for the part Scooter is good at. a bio disaster zone. Scooter is

Yet he never gets sick even with the DB brings in

handling of what he calls black water.

Scooter for a complete septic cleaning of what is known in the trade as “solids” and an inspection of the drain field. It’s getting cold in East Texas. Digging into the earth is

an unpleasant job but a necessary one to get to the tank opening. Scooter has a nose cold that is dripping down his He hit the top

chin as he digs down into the hard ground. of the tank with his shovel. “Yep, just as I thought.

He looks up at Bob and DB,

You got some peach tree roots

growing in the septic tank and it’s causing you to have drainage problems.” work gloves. tree roots. He stops to wipe his nose with his

“We’re going to have to cut out these peach Do you want to do it yourself? Some people

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do.

Or do you want Sarg and me to do it?”

Bob doesn’t

hesitate, “DB could help.” DB, “I ain’t going down there. I’m a performer. I don’t do that kind of work. Pluming,

OK but that’s below my pay grade.” Bob asks, “How much?” Since it’s Holiday time I’ll charge you $250 and I guarantee the job. But I got to bring in a backhoe.” We got to

Bob, “OK but I don’t want no screwing around.

get this thing done or Madame will cut my ornaments off.” Three days later, Scooter shows up with Sarg and a backhoe. They start working on the tank. they are working. Bob comes out to make sure The backhoe pulls

Scooter snags a root.

and growls until it snaps the root out of the tank. Peaches walks up to Bob. “Damn it, Peaches get out of here you’ll be tracking this crap into the house.” He bends down to pick her up as a small root flies loose from the tank and hits him splat in the face. running into the house to wash his face. He screams

But the water has Madame

been shut off while the kitchen repairs are made.

gets a gallon of drinking water and pours it over his eyes. She asks, “What in Sam hell are you guys doing digging up my prized winning peach tree?” “Well, Scooter said the roots are clogging the septic system.”

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“Yeah but what about my tree? Without those peaches I can’t win the Carnation pie contest at the State Fair. a the winning flavor.” With 24 hours, Bob’s eyes are swollen shut from infection. A trip to the optometrist at the Wal-Mart Store and some antibiotics has Bob on the mend. But buy the time he gets They They have

home DB and Grandpa have the kitchen floor torn up.

decided that the rotten wood couldn’t hold the weight of the new appliances. Then they discovered the kitchen

pluming was leaking under the house and needed to be replaced. DB was down to his waste in the floor when Bob

and Madame returned home. Bob couldn’t see very well, but he knew it was time to fix what was broke or have no kitchen at all during Christmas. “Get out of there Boy, you don’t know shit from shinola about pluming.” Grandpa, “I told him to wait for you when the kitchen sink fell down into the hole in the counter.” DB, “Yeah, I couldn’t get it out. take a look around here.” Bob, “What a mess. yourself.” He can see well enough to see where the copper hot water pipe has broken at a bend. If you want something done right, do it So, I thought I would

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“Get me the torch and flux.” Bob ascends into the pit. Madame enters the kitchen.

“What in almighty hell are you doing?” Bob, “Got a bad pipe connection. before she blows. Grandpa go up stairs and shut off the hot water line.” Bob straddle’s the pipe and pulls it loose. hold this pipe up.” DB, “I got to pee.” Bob, “Wait till Grandpa get back.” Grandpa walks in and DB hands off the pipe. He leans it against the open fuse box on the wall and goes for a cold beer. Bob looks up at the fuse box just as it makes One of Bob’s love orbs takes 210 volts. Bob “OK, now DB Get out of the kitchen

contact. screams.

Grandpa pops open a beer, “Looks like your gonna be out of commission for a while.”

When Christmas Eve comes around the traditional family gift giving gathering, which has arrived from all parts of Texas. There’s DB, the lovely and vivacious Eva, Marvin,

Little Mama, Madame, Grandpa, Jose’, Milly, Fly and Peaches. Holidays. Little Mama has gotten a new Easy Rider for the It’s a cheap knock off made in China. But it

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has all the bells and whistles. Eva is chatting with Bob in Spanish, “How’s the eyes doing? shut.” Bob, “I can’t see too well.” Eva, “How about the family jewels?” Bob, “Jesus can’t anyone keep their traps shut.” Eva, “You’re a very sensitive guy. Sorry.” They are still swollen

Bob, “When are you going to learn English?” DB, “She’s got a CD on English for Christmas.” Eva, “I even got Grandpa a gift.” Grandpa, “Can I see your boobs.” Eva, “Only if you come to the Karaoke Cowboy Club on New Years. Everyone coming.” Grandpa, “You got it girly.” Jose’ sidles up to Bob. the inheritance?” Bob, “I can’t talk to her. She’s a bitch.” “Are you going to tell Milly about

Jose’, “Well that means I’ll have to.” Bob, “Can’t this wait until after New Years?” Jose’, “I guess. But everyone is getting pissed.”

Marvin, “Hay, Little Mama lets see the new scooter fly.” Jose’, “Wow that’s a beauty.” Little Mama, “Watch this.”

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Fly, “Wait Peaches wants to take a ride.” Little Mama’s lap but hits the throttle.

Peaches jumps in The scooter takes

off out through the kitchen through the living room passed the Christmas Tree and out the front door onto the front porch and over the steps. Little Mama yelps, tumbles face first to the walkway and lands at full throttle on her nose. Marvin rushes to aide her. “Mama your nose got

squished.” Fly, “Peaches. What happened to Peaches?”

Milly, “She bailed out on the Christmas Tree.”

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Chapter 12 New Years Eve Party

The New Years Eve Masquerade Party at the Cowboy Karaoke Club promises to be a great time for the Larva’s, because Bob has had time to recuperate some from the eye infection. As for the testicular electrocution, he has not completely recovered from the colossal swelling. Regardless Bob is

going to show his stuff for the judges and hopefully win first prize in the New Years Eve Karaoke Contest. been rehearsing for 5 days. dressed for the occasion. He has

The whole Larva family is Madame in Queen Victoria Style,

Bob in his sunglasses to cover his swollen eyes, as the Latin Crooner Francisco Sinatra, DB as Zorro, Eva as Lady Godiva, Fly as Tinker bell and Peaches as a Gypsy cat.

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The performance lineup put Bob ahead of Janis Joplin Pearlman and his buddies Tex and Elvis. But there’s a hot

contender tonight, Johnnie Mac Gates from Dallas, who is in line in front of Bob. He is a legion in the karaoke bars

for his great impersonation of the Man in Black, Johnnie Cash. He has won every big prize from Ft. Worth to DB is sitting at a high top

Shreveport, in the last year. table with Tex, Bob and Elvis.

Tex, “Man just look at Johnnie Mac.

He’s a real tall guy.”

Bob, “The bigger they are the harder they fall.” DB, “That’s the spirit Dad.” Elvis, “I don’t think I can beat him.” Tex, “Yeah, he’s a winner that’s for sure. Elvis, “There’s talk he’s going professional.” Bob, “But his songs are same ole, same ole.” Eva joins them at the high top. psyched?” Bob, “Isn’t it time for a lap dance?” DB, “Hey Dad, she ain’t working tonight. Give it a break.” “Say boys, you getting

Johnnie is working his way through the crowd. Eva looks up at him, “Hey big boy.” Tex whispers to Elvis, “Here he comes. huge pistola.” I hear he’s got a

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He walks passed Bob and says, “So you’re the Latin Crossover Crooner. What’s with the dark shades?”

Bob, “Well, I got an eye infection from my septic tank and they swelled up.” Johnnie, “Whatever. Sound like you got in over your head.”

Bob, “Anytime, any where.” Johnnie, “Just trying to keep things friendly.” The announcer, Barbara, picks up the microphone and says, with a cigarette hanging from her lip, “Welcome to the Cowboy Karaoke Club New Years Eve Contest. In one minute we are going to start with the first contestant Johnnie Mac Gates as The Man In Black. singing… I walk the line. singing… Blue Moon. again. Elvis of Minneola is doing… Blue Suede Shoes. And our local favorite Janis Joplin Pearlman singing… Me and Bobby McGee.” Madame, Fly, Peaches and Grandpa are at a table drinking Dr Pepper, eating popcorn and pretzels. Madame, “This is very exciting. Oh, look over there, it’s He’ll be

Then The Latin Crooner Bob Larva

Little Tex singing… Back in the Saddle

Scooter and his wife, Betty, the Miss Texas beauty contest winner from Tyler.” Fly, “I saw her picture in Scooter’s restaurant.”

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Grandpa, “He keeps it at the cash register to remind everyone where all the money goes.” Madame, “Look at the costumes.” Fly, “He’s Batman, She’s a Playboy Bunny.” Grandpa, “Big Mama had bigger hooters than her.” Fly, “I think she’s very cute.” Madame, “Here comes that Johnnie Cash guy.” Johnnie, “Howdy ladies, you sure are looking fine. is Johnnie Mac, the Man in Black.” Fly, “My dad is a better singer than you’ll ever be. if you live to be 103.” Johnnie, “Well, it’s good to see the Crooner has a fan club that includes Tinker Bell and a Gypsy cat.” Fly holding Peaches, “She’s gonna put a hex on you.” Peaches hisses at him. eyes. He looks back with fear in his Even My name

As big and bold as Johnnie acts he was raised in a Johnnie is

family that was as superstitious as they come. shaken. Madame points at Johnnie, ”You never know.” On the stage Barbara calls the first singer.

“It’s time

for our first contestant in the Cowboy Karaoke Club New Years Eve. Give a big welcome to The Man in Black, Johnnie Mac Gates.” The crowd goes wild with applause. Johnnie

swaggers on to the stage and takes the microphone.

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Johnnie, “Thank you for having me on your stage tonight. For you, I walk the line.” to sing, I walk the Line. song flawlessly. The music starts and he begins The women swoon as he sings the Then he

He leans into the audience.

leans back with his legs spread apart and balanced on the heals of his new Tony Lama boots. But he clearly has a

zipper malfunction or didn’t pull his zipper up when he went to the bathroom. At any rate his considerable manhood It’s flapping around like

was hanging out for all to see. a limp string cheese.

Tex says, “He’s pulling out all the stops tonight.” Elvis, “I hear he has a buck shot in that thing.” Tex, “Wow. Just look at that.” Elvis, “It happened when he was jumping out the bedroom window of a married woman up in Collin County.” Everyone started laughing when he sang… I keep a close watch on this heart of mine I keep my eyes wide open all the time I keep the ends out for the tie that binds Because you're mine, I walk the line He stops singing and starts yelling, “What are you laughing at? Stop it. Stop it.” He walks off the stage crying.

“Why are they laughing at me?” Barbara takes away the microphone, “OK big guy. not your night. It’s just

Next up is the Latin Crooner Roberto Larva

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better known as Bob the Crossover Crooner singing Blue Moon.” Bob takes the stage, but can’t see the lyrics on

the screen very well. The music starts… Blue Moon You saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own Blue Moon You know just what I was there for You heard me saying a prayer for Someone I really could care for And then there suddenly appeared before me The only one my arms will ever hold I heard somebody whisper please adore me And then I looked to the Moon it turned to gold Blue Moon Now I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own… The audience goes wild.

Little Tex singing… Back in the Saddle again. I'm back in the saddle again Out where a friend is a friend Where the longhorn cattle feed On the lowly gypsum weed Back in the saddle again Ridin' the range once more Totin' my old .44 Where you sleep out every night And the only law is right Back in the saddle again Whoopi-ty-aye-oh Rockin' to and fro Back in the saddle again Whoopi-ty-aye-yay

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I go my way Back in the saddle again I'm back in the saddle again Out where a friend is a friend Where the longhorn cattle feed On the lowly gypsum weed Back in the saddle again Ridin' the range once more Totin' my old .44 Where you sleep out every night And the only law is right Back in the saddle again Whoopi-ty-aye-oh Rockin' to and fro Back in the saddle again Whoopi-ty-aye-yay I go my way Back in the saddle again Barbara announces, “Here’s Elvis of Minneola is doing… Blue Suede Shoes.” Well it's a one for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready now go cat go and don't cha, Step on my blue suede shoes. You can do anything but stay off of my blue suede shoes. Well you can knock me down, Step on my face, Slander my name all over the place. Do anything that you wanna do, But ah ha honey lay off of them shoes and don't cha, Step on my blue suede shoes You can do anything but stay off of my blue suede shoes. Well you can rob my house, Steal my car, Drink my liquor from an old fruit jar, Do anything that you wanna do, But ah ha honey lay off of them shoes and don't cha,

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Step on my blue suede shoes You can do anything but stay off of my blue suede shoes. Well it's a...blue blue, blue suede shoes baby, Blue blue, blue suede shoes honey, Blue blue, blue suede shoes darlin' Blue blue, blue suede shoes, Well you can do anything but stay off of my blue suede shoes. Then Bob’s nemesis, Janis Joplin Pearlman sings… Me and Bobby McGee. Hell, i'm calling my lover, calling my man, I said i'm calling my lover, I do the best I can, I said now c'mon, Bobby now, come on Bobby McGee, yeah. Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy lord Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, yeah!

Everyone comes to their feet with appaluase. Barbara takes the mic and says, “OK, now we’ll leave it to the judges we have selected from the ticket numbers handed out at the door. They are 195, 45, 12, 33 and 124.” Fly

looks at her ticket she’s one of the Judges. Barbara, “Raise your hands and we’ll give you a ballet. Later, we’ll announce the winners after Midnight.” there is a request for an oncore. However

Bob Larva’s daugher “Bob what is

Felicia wants her Dad to sing one for her. this?”

Barbara, “Just pick one you know off your CD’s. for your kid stupid.”

This is

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Bob, “OK, I’ll sings “It was a very good year.” Eva, Madame, Fly and Peaches join Bob on stage as the song starts. Peaches says to Fly, “It’s a full moon.” Bob Sings… When I was seventeen It was a very good year It was a very good year for small town girls And soft summer nights We'd hide from the lights On the village green When I was seventeen When I was twenty-one It was a very good year It was a very good year for city girls Who lived up the stair With all that perfumed hair And it came undone When I was twenty-one When I was thirty-five It was a very good year It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls Of independent means We'd ride in limousines Their chauffeurs would drive When I was thirty-five But now the days are short I'm in the autumn of the year And now I think of my life as vintage wine From fine old kegs From the brim to the dregs It poured sweet and clear It was a very good year It was a mess of good years, Barbara announces “Happy New Year. Bob you’re the winner.

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A great way to start a new year.”

Copyright 2007 Steven Donnini

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