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An Ideal Husband Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally, the An Ideal Husband script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Julianne Moore and Jeremy Northam. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewin gs of An Ideal Husband. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in th ere and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! An Ideal Husband Script

- Your usual, my lord. - Mmm?

Good morning, my lord.

The morning paper, my lord.

"Sir Robert Chiltern, a rising star in Parliament,...

.. tonight hosts a party that promises to be the highlight of the social calendar...

.. with his wife, Lady Gertrude,...

.. who is herself a leading figure in women's politics. "

"Together this couple...

.. represents what is best in English public life...

.. and is a noble contrast to the lax morality...

.. so common

amongst foreign politicians. "

Dear oh dear. They will never say that about me, will they, Phipps?

I sincerely hope not, sir.

Bit of a busy day today, I'm afraid.

Distressingly little time for sloth or idleness.

- Sorry to hear it, sir. - Not entirely your fault, Phipps.

Not this time.

Thank you, my lord.

- Good morning, Tommy! - Morning, Lady Chiltern.

I very much look forward to this evening.

- Miss Mabel. - Tommy.

I hope you can make our usual appointment...

.. as I have something very particular I wish to say to you.

Good day, ladies.

When Tommy wants to be romantic, he talks to one just like a doctor.

Till tonight.

- Miss Mabel. - Lord Goring.

Lord Goring!

Countess, good morning.

- Aren't you going to congratulate me? - Congratulations.

Aren't you going to ask what for?

- What for? - I've decided to get married.

My God! Who to?

That part... is still to be decided.

Good morning, dear Gertrude.

Good morning, Lady Markby.

Allow me to introduce my friend Mrs Cheveley.

Two such charming women should know each other.

- How do you do? - Mrs Cheveley and I have met before.

Of course.

Gertrude.

And to think you married Sir Robert Chiltern.

You know, I was so hoping to meet your clever husband.

Really?

Yes, but I have to return to Vienna on Friday.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Well, perhaps I might bring her this evening?

Yes, by all means.

- What can I say? I'd be delighted. - Well...

- We'll see you tonight. - See you tonight.

You see, Phipps, fashion is what one wears oneself.

What is unfashionable...

-.. is what other people wear. - Yes, my lord.

Other people are quite dreadful.

The only possible society is oneself.

To love oneself...

.. is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Yes, my lord.

Their Graces, the Duke and Duchess of Berwick.

Lord Windermere.

Countess Basildon.

.. and, it is widely agreed, the last truly decent man in London.

That you're a very personable man with a most attractive personality,...

.. and you have brought into British politics an honesty and integrity...

A nobler atmosphere, a finer attitude...

And higher ideals.

One mustn't believe everything one reads in the newspapers.

Yes, in the old days we had the rack. Nowadays we have the press.

Your own newspaper being the notable exception, Sir Edward.

Where truth shines out like a beacon and lies run vainly for the shadows.

Bravo, Lady Chiltern!

Do I detect in your conversation a lyricism...

.. not uncommon in your husband's excellent speeches?

If you are suggesting that my position owes anything to my wife,...

.. you are mistaken. It owes everything to my wife.

I demand that you make it known! Without her, I am entirely unexceptional.

And without her love,...

.. I'm nothing.

All I know is, a serious shake-up in the government looks inevitable now.

The Prime Minister himself was asking about you this morning.

Really? Probably afraid you'd be taking his job!

Lady Markby, Mrs Cheveley.

Oh, my dear,...

.. if I had a jewel for every staring eye!

I'm glad to say, Lady Markby, you evidently do!

Excuse me. Chère madame, quelle surprise!

Lady Markby.

- I have not seen you since Berlin. - Five years ago, Vicomte.

You are younger and more beautiful than ever. How do you manage it?

By making it a rule only to talk to charming people like yourself.

Mrs Cheveley.

What do we know about her?

Very influential in Vienna in the highest circles.

A force to be reckoned with.

And are you staying in London long?

That depends on the weather, the cooking,...

.. and partly on your brother.

My dear, Sir Robert has been dying to meet you.

Everyone is! Our attachés in Vienna write to us about nothing else.

An acquaintance that begins with a compliment...

.. is sure to develop into a real friendship.

- I see you've met my sister. - Yes, indeed.

My dear child, allow me to introduce you to the Vicomte de Nanjac.

Oh.

You have a beautiful house, Sir Robert.

We're very happy here.

- I would so love to look around. - Allow me.

Thank you.

Lord Goring.

Good evening, young lady.

Well, sir, what are you doing here? Wasting your life, as usual!

You should be in bed, sir!

I heard you were at Lady Rufford's dancing till four in the morning!

- Good evening, Father. - How do you stand London society?

A lot of damn nobodies talking about nothing!

Nothing is the only thing I know anything about.

That's a paradox, sir. I hate paradoxes.

So do I. Everyone one meets is a paradox nowadays.

It makes society so... obvious, hm?

Do you always understand what you say, sir?

Yes,... if I listen attentively.

Brrrrr!

Oh, conceited young puppy!

I have it on very good authority that you have some delightful Corots.

- Oh, really? Whose? - Baron Arnheim.

- Did you know the Baron well? - Intimately. Did you?

- At one time. - Wonderful man, wasn't he?

Very remarkable, in many ways.

It's a pity he never wrote his memoirs. They'd have been most interesting.

Allow me to introduce my dearest friend,

the idlest man in London.

- Lord Goring. - You've met!

I did not think you'd remember me, Mrs, er... Cheveley.

My memory is under admirable control.

Sir Robert, the Indian Ambassador.

Excuse me.

And so, my dear Arthur, are you not just a little bit pleased to see me?

Oh, my dear woman,...

.. possibly even less than that.

Should you wish to avoid me entirely, I am at Claridge's until Friday...

.. when I shall return to Vienna.

Are you still a bachelor?

- Resolutely so. - He is the result of Boodle's Club.

He reflects every credit on the institution.

Thank you.

And now, Sir Robert, I have something to say to you.

- You'll find me an eager audience. - I'm so glad.

I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme,...

.. about this Argentine Canal Company, in fact.

What a tedious, practical subject to talk about, Mrs Cheveley.

Oh, I like tedious, practical subjects. I don't like tedious, practical people.

Besides, you're interested, I know, in international canal schemes.

Yes.

But the Suez Canal was a very great and splendid undertaking.

It gave us our direct route into India.

This Argentine scheme is a commonplace Stock Exchange swindle.

It is a speculation. A brilliant, daring speculation.

Believe me, Mrs Cheveley, it is a swindle.

Let us call things by their proper names.

It makes matters simpler.

I hope you have not invested in it.

You're far too clever to have done that.

I have invested very largely in it.

Who advised you to do such a foolish thing?

Your old friend and mine - Baron Arnheim.

It was one of the last things he said.

The future of the canal depends...

.. of course, on the attitude of Her Majesty's government.

And...

.. I will personally be presenting my report...

.. to the House of Commons on Thursday night.

I can tell you now...

.. I will be condemning the scheme in no uncertain terms.

You must not. In your own interests, to say nothing of mine, you must not do that.

My dear Mrs Cheveley,...

-.. what do you mean? - I will be frank.

Amend that report to state the canal will be of great international value.

Will you do that for me?

- You cannot be serious. - I am quite serious.

If you do what I ask, I will pay you very handsomely.

Pay me?

You are a man of the world and you have your price.

Everybody has nowadays.

If you will allow me, I will call your carriage for you.

You have lived so long abroad...

.. that you seem to be unable to realise you are talking to an English gentleman!

I realise I am talking to a man whose past is less perfect...

.. than his reputation would suggest.

What are you saying?

I am saying that I know the real origin of your wealth and your career...

.. and I have got your letter, too.

You are very late!

- Did you miss me? - Awfully.

I'm sorry I did not stay away later. I like being missed.

- How very selfish. - I am selfish.

You always tell me about your bad qualities.

- I haven't told you half of them. - Really? Are the others very bad?

Quite dreadful. When I think of them at night, I can go to sleep at once.

Well, I must tell you that I like your bad qualities...

.. and I would not have you part with a single one.

It shows admirable good taste.

May I have the pleasure of escorting you to the music room?

- Why, Tommy, I'd be delighted. - As would I.

Are you coming to the music room?

Not if there's any music going on, Miss Mabel.

Well,... the music is in German, so you would not understand it.

Quite so, quite so.

- Arthur! - Gertrude, good evening.

I didn't think you liked political parties.

I adore them. They're the only place left

where people don't talk politics.

The affair to which you allude was no more than a speculation.

It was a swindle, Sir Robert.

Let us call things by their proper names. It makes matters simpler.

Now I'm going to sell you that letter back...

.. and the price I ask is your public support of the Argentine scheme.

I cannot do what you ask me.

You are standing on the edge of a precipice.

- Supposing you refuse... - What then?

Suppose I were to pay a visit to a newspaper office...

.. and give them this scandal and the proof of it.

Think of their joy and the delight they would have in tearing you down.

Think of... Sir Edward!

My dear Mrs Cheveley,...

.. I do hope we have the opportunity to meet up.

I so enjoy the cut and thrust of continental politics.

I shall make it a particular priority.

Sir Robert.

It is infamous, what you propose.

Infamous!

Oh, no. It is the game of life, Sir Robert,...

.. as we all have to play it...

.. sooner or later.

What a charming house. I have spent a delightful evening.

I'm so glad.

And so glad, too, you had a chance to meet my husband, Mrs Cheveley.

Though I must confess to some curiosity...

.. as to the matter of your conversation.

Your carriage is waiting, Mrs Cheveley.

Thanks. Well, another time perhaps, Lady Chiltern. Good evening.

Good evening, Mrs Cheveley.

Will you see me out, Sir Robert?

Now that we have the same interests, we will be great friends, I hope.

Certainly.

Let me have more time to consider your proposal.

There is nothing to consider.

Support the scheme and I will return the letter.

Scandals once lent charm or interest to a man.

Nowadays they crush him. Yours is a very nasty scandal.

You would be hounded out of public life. You would disappear completely.

My God!

What brought you into my life?

Circumstances. At some point, we all have to pay for what we do.

You have to pay now.

I will give you any sum of money you want.

Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past.

No man is.

Father, this is not my day for talking seriously.

What do you mean, sir?

During the season I only talk seriously on the first Tuesday in every month...

.. between noon and three.

Well, make it Tuesday, sir!

Ah, yes, but it is before noon, Father.

- My doctor said specifically... - You are ...

Shh! Father!

I only admit to

.

You are

and you must get a wife.

Wife?!

A shade lacklustre this morning, Chiltern.

Mind on other matters, I shouldn't wonder.

I had that Cheveley woman drive by the office last night.

Really?

Yes.

Wanted me to write a piece...

.. about this Argentine thing.

Quite interesting, really.

- Mentioned you. - Did she?

She did indeed.

So what did she say?

Oh, outlined the virtues of the scheme, that sort of thing.

Wouldn't be surprised if she had shares in it.

What did she say about me?

About your speech on it. Said I should be prepared for a surprise.

Wouldn't say what.

Can I take it you've changed your position?

I wonder what kind of a woman she is.

Who?

That woman - Mrs Cheveley.

Smallish.

So the question remains, where to from there, hm?

To the Hartlocks and the Basildons...

.. or should we go straight

to the Bachelors' Ball?

Arthur, I almost wish I were you sometimes.

I almost wish you were, too,...

.. except you'd make something useful out of my life and that would never do.

You could always get married.

It's the "always" bit that alarms me.

I could see by the glare in his eye he was about to do it again.

Poor Mr Trafford.

- It sounds quite serious. - Oh, it is.

He proposed to me in broad daylight...

.. in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles.

The things that go on in front of it are quite appalling!

The police should interfere!

It may not suit a modern girl like you, Mabel,...

.. but there is, of course, one extremely effective way...

-.. to stop his proposals. - What would that be?

- To accept one of them! - Oh, no!

Ladies!

By the way,... have you been talking to my father?

- Why? Should I? - Certainly not.

He was foolish enough to suggest that I model myself on you.

I have always said he was a man of exquisite taste and rare judgment.

Hard work, probity, and a good woman.

He neglected to mention that you took the last good woman I know.

Took her right out of my arms, if I remember correctly.

What's that saying about the sea and there being plenty of fish in it?

Mmm, yes, but I couldn't possibly marry a fish.

I'd be sure to land an old trout.

I never change... except in my affections.

What a noble nature you have.

The question...

But you told me yesterday.

I have reason to believe the information I received...

.. was prejudiced.

- Or, at any rate, misinformed. - But...

I now believe there may be some benefit to the scheme.

Benefit?

To whom?

This has nothing to do with Mrs Cheveley, does it?

You seem to be displaying signs of triviality.

On the contrary, Aunt Augusta,...

.. I've now realised for the first time in my life...

.. the vital importance of being earnest!

Robert,...

.. you... are telling me the whole truth?

Why do you ask me such a question?

Why do you not answer it?

Author!

Ladies and gentlemen,...

.. I have enjoyed this evening immensely.

Robert,...

.. is there, in your life, any...

.. any secret, any...

.. indiscretion?

.. that you think as highly of the play as I do myself!

You must tell me! You must tell me at once!

Oh, Gertrude, there is nothing in my past life that you might not know.

I was sure of it, my darling.

I was sure of it.

You know, I found it a perfectly charming evening.

And yours...

.. was a perfectly charming performance.

The costumes were delightful,...

.. but for me... Oh!... it was the acting!

Would you excuse me a moment?

- Miss Mabel. - Good evening.

- Shouldn't you be in bed? - Lord Goring!

Father always tells me to go to bed so I'm giving you the same advice.

Passing on advice is the only sensible thing to do with it.

- It's very kind of you to offer. - Don't mention it, Miss Mabel.

But the role of elder brother is being more than adequately performed...

-.. by my elder brother. - Oh, really?

Yes. Charming and delightful performance it is, too.

I think you ought to go to bed straight away, Miss Mabel.

You're always ordering me around.

I think it's most courageous of you.

Especially as I'm not going to bed for hours!

Darling, you will write, won't you,...

.. to Mrs Cheveley...

.. and tell her that you cannot support this scheme of hers?

I might see her.

Perhaps that would be better.

Oh, no, Robert, you must never see her again.

Darling, I know this woman. We were at school together.

I didn't trust her then and I don't trust her now.

She must know at once that she has been mistaken in you.

Now, all your life...

.. you have stood apart from others.

To the world, as to myself,...

.. you have been an ideal, always.

Be that ideal still.

Claridge's Hotel.

- No answer. - Sir.

Oh, I love you, Robert!

Oh, love me!

Love me, Gertrude.

Love me always.

Madam.

So, what brings you back to London after all these years?

Business or pleasure?

I have some business with your friend Sir Robert Chiltern...

.. which is, of course, a great pleasure.

And what is it brings you here tonight?

- I came because you asked me to. - And because you were curious.

- Why did you ask me? - I was curious also.

To see whether you'd come. And you did!

I see you are quite as wilful as you used to be.

Far more. I have greatly improved. I've had more experience.

Too much experience can be very dangerous, Mrs Cheveley.

- Why don't you call me Laura? - I don't like the name.

- You used to adore it. - Yes, that is why.

To think...

.. it was so nearly Laura Goring.

It has a certain ring, don't you agree?

- We were quite well suited. - Well, you were poor, I was rich.

It must have suited you very well, until you met the Baron, who was richer.

That suited you better.

- Have you forgiven me yet? - My dear woman,...

.. it's been so long now that I'd all but forgotten you.

I really must go. I have a pressing engagement.

Really? Well, as you know, I hate to stand between a man and his affairs.

- Bunbury, for goodness sake! - I can't believe it.

- You are a deserter! - I didn't say I was getting married.

I was debating the virtues of the marital state.

Short debate, sir!

We're a dying breed, old man. We must stick together.

Would you excuse me, gentlemen? Play the next hand without me.

And now I think it's time you knew the truth.

That all these riches,...

.. this wondrous luxury...

.. amounts, finally, to nothing.

That power...

.. power...

.. over other men...

.. is the one and only thing worth having.

This is what I call the philosophy of power,...

.. the gospel of gold.

So now the question arises...

.. how you become powerful.

I mean, you... personally powerful.

Cigar?

Yes, thank you.

The answer is simple.

The answer...

.. is information.

Information is the modern commodity...

.. that can shake the world.

And I happen to know...

.. it's well within your grasp.

And you believed what he said?

Certainly.

I believed it then and I believe it now.

You've never been poor.

You've never known what ambition is.

Go on.

Well, by now, Lord Radley was a Cabinet minister...

.. and, as the Baron well knew, I was working as his personal secretary.

One night, as usual, I was the last to leave the office.

Later that evening, I wrote the Baron a letter...

.. containing highly confidential information,...

.. highly valuable information regarding the financing of the Suez Canal.

- A Cabinet secret? - Indeed.

In a subsequent transaction,...

.. the Baron made for himself three quarters of a million pounds.

And you?

I received from the Baron £

.

You were worth more, Robert.

No. No, no.

I got exactly what I wanted.

I entered straight into Parliament and I've...

Well, I've never looked back.

Is it fair that some act of youthful folly...

.. should be brought up against me all these years later?

Robert, life is never fair!

Perhaps it's a good thing for most of us that it's not.

Now, what does Gertrude make of all this?

Robert.

My dear Robert, secrets from other people's wives...

.. are a necessary luxury in modern life.

But no man should have a secret from his own wife.

She invariably finds it out.

If I were to tell her, Arthur, I would lose the love of the one woman I worship.

I couldn't tell her,...

.. but it... did strike me that perhaps you might...

Go on.

Well, perhaps you might...

.. talk with her.

- Oh, really? - Not to tell her, of course.

But... just to talk with her.

I see.

It's just that Gertrude can sometimes be a little... hard-headed.

You are her oldest... and closest friend...

.. and I just thought talking with you might perhaps...

- Soften her head a little. - Mmm.

Well, it has been known.

Thank you, Lady Chiltern, that was most inspiring.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Wonderful speech!

Well, I must say, Arthur,...

.. I'm delighted to find you showing such a keen interest in women's politics.

Oh, yes, very keen.

I had a bit of a late night last night.

So I gather. I'm so glad to see you.

- Are you? - Yes.

I wanted to talk to you about Robert.

Really?

He seems a little distracted of late, a little anxious.

Yes.

You've noticed it, too?

I suppose I...

Yes... In a way.

I mean,... the life that he's chosen for himself, by its own nature,...

.. must hold innumerable stresses, full of countless compromises.

- Compromises? - Yes.

What I mean is, once a man has set his heart and soul...

.. on getting to a certain point,...

.. if he has to climb the crag, he has to climb the crag.

If he has to walk in the mire...

Well?

Well, then, he has to walk, my dear Gertrude, in the mire.

Of course, I'm only talking in the most general terms...

.. on a subject about which I know absolutely nothing.

I thought those were your favourite subjects, Arthur.

Yes, indeed.

Indeed.

Go on.

Oh, yes... No...

Supposing a public figure, any public figure, my father or Robert even,...

.. had, years ago, written some foolish letter to someone.

What do you mean by a foolish letter?

I mean, a letter

gravely compromising one's position.

I'm putting an imaginary case, of course.

I cannot help but feel, Arthur, that you are wanting to tell me something.

What I really want to say, dear Gertrude, is that if for any reason...

.. you are ever in trouble,...

.. come to me at once and know that I will help you in every way I can.

Lord Goring,...

.. you are talking quite seriously.

Oh, you must forgive me, it won't occur again.

I like you to be serious.

Gertrude, please don't say such dreadful things to Lord Goring.

Seriousness would be very unbecoming.

Good morning. Pray be as trivial as you can.

I should like to, but I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice this morning.

Besides, I really ought to be going.

Oh. Will you be there tonight?

- I've received no invitation. - Well, you have now.

I'm sorry, Mabel, I'm not in the mood for modern art.

You don't mind, do you, if Arthur escorts you in my place?

As long as he promises not to be too serious.

I've observed a worrying trend.

I swear on my life to be utterly trivial and never to keep my word.

- Then I shall be delighted. - Then so shall I.

My dear Gertrude, thank you.

You will remember what I said, won't you?

Yes,... but I still don't know why you said it.

I hardly know myself.

Goodbye, Miss Mabel.

Lord Goring.

Lord Goring... What dreadful manners you have, leaving just as I arrive.

- I'm sure you were badly brought up. - Mm, I was.

- I wish I had brought you up. - I'm sorry you didn't.

It is too late now, I suppose.

I shouldn't think so for a moment.

So...

.. until tonight, then.

Eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock.

So...

So!

My dear Sir Robert, I was not a little disappointed...

.. to receive your letter...

.. and to learn that my proposition held no interest for you.

Perhaps I have failed to present it in sufficiently persuasive terms.

Another time, perhaps.

Yours sincerely, Laura Cheveley.

PS - If I should be in the neighbourhood,...

.. I might just pay my respects to your charming wife.

I wonder whether the matter would be of any interest to her.

Mrs Cheveley,...

.. won't you sit down?

Thanks.

I can't help feeling that this disturbing new thing,...

.. this higher education of women,...

.. will deal a terrible blow to happy married life.

The higher education of men is what I'd like to see. Men need it so sadly.

They do, dear. But such a scheme would be quite unpractical.

I don't think man has much capacity for development.

He's got as far as he can... and that's not far, is it?

With regard to women, dear Gertrude, modern women understand everything.

Except their husbands. That is the one thing they never understand.

A very good thing too, dear, I dare say.

It might break up many a happy home if they did.

Not yours, I need hardly say, Gertrude.

You have married the perfect husband.

And now, dear ladies, I had better set forth.

I haven't time to be idling around here all day.

I should be idling somewhere else shortly or I shall fall behind.

No, I'll see myself out.

No doubt you have many pleasant reminiscences...

-.. of your schooldays to talk over. - Goodbye.

Goodbye, my dear.

Wonderful woman, Lady Markby, isn't she?

Talks more and says less than anybody I ever met.

- Now, Gertrude... - Mrs Cheveley,...

.. I think it is right to tell you...

.. that I wish you never to return to this house again...

.. and never to attempt to contact my husband.

I see that after all these years you've not changed.

- I hope I never will.

- Life has taught you nothing.

A person who has once been guilty...

.. of a dishonest action may be guilty a second time and should be shunned.

Would you apply that rule to everyone?

Yes, without exception.

Then I am sorry for you, Gertrude, very sorry for you.

I thank you for your sympathy,...

.. but it is your departure I would prefer.

Gertrude, I don't mind your talking morality.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we dislike.

You dislike me, I am aware of that, and I have always detested you.

And yet I have come here to give you some advice.

I hold your husband in the hollow of my hand...

.. and if you are wise

you'll make him do what I tell him.

How dare you class my husband with yourself!

Leave my house! You are unfit to enter it!

Your house? A house bought with the price of dishonour,...

.. everything paid for by fraud.

Ask him what the origin of his fortune is.

Get him to tell you how he sold to a stockbroker a Cabinet secret.

Learn from him to what you owe your position.

It is not true!

Robert,...

.. tell her it is not true!

Go.

Go at once.

You've done your worst now.

Dear Sir Robert, Lady Chiltern,...

.. unless you meet my terms, I think you'll find the worst is yet to come.

You have until half past ten tonight.

Tell me it is not true.

- Let me explain... - Tell me it is not true!

- Let me tell... - No! Don't come near me!

- Don't touch me! - Listen to me!

How could you? How could you do that, Robert?

You've lied... to the whole world!

- You... you will not lie to me! - Gertrude, please, I must tell you!

Don't say anything!

You were to me...

.. something apart from common life.

A thing noble, pure.

The world seemed to me finer...

.. because you were in it...

.. and goodness more real because you lived.

I'm sorry.

Very sorry.

I-I suppose I should... go...

Should I?

Go.

Get out!

Ah, my second buttonhole, much better.

You know, Phipps,...

.. a really well-made buttonhole is the only link...

.. between art and nature.

Yes, my lord.

I don't think I quite like this one.

Mmm?

Well, it makes me look a little old.

Makes me almost in the prime of life, eh, Phipps?

I don't observe any alteration in your lordship's appearance.

- You don't? - No, my lord.

Hmm, very well.

Oh, my God!

How delightful to see you.

- Take my cloak off. - Is it worthwhile?

Of course, sir!

You see, I recently made a resolution not to have visitors on Thursday...

.. between

and pm.

Glad to hear it. Can't stand interruptions.

- No draught, I hope, in this room? - No, sir.

I feel a draught, sir, I feel it distinctly!

So do I, sir. A dreadful draught. Why don't you go home?

I will come and see you tomorrow. We can talk about anything then.

No, I have called with a definite purpose.

I'm going to see it through at all costs to my health or yours.

Put my cloak down, sir.

I hate seeing things through, Father, especially through someone else's eyes.

Afraid I don't follow you there.

As far as I can make out, you seem to follow me everywhere, Father.

Oh, God!

Good evening, Arthur.

My dear Robert, the fact is I really am horribly busy tonight.

But, Arthur, I must speak with you.

Gertrude has discovered the truth?

Yes, I'm afraid she has.

Come in, Robert. But if you wouldn't mind waiting for a short while,...

.. I am right in the middle of giving my performance of the attentive son.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Mmm, so am I.

Oh...

God!

When you left this afternoon, my life fell apart.

My love is in ruins.

I need you after all.

I am coming to you now,...

.. Gertrude.

A lady is coming to see me on particular business.

- Show her into the drawing room. - Yes, my lord.

This is a matter of the gravest importance.

I understand.

No-one else is to be admitted. Tell them I'm not at home.

I understand, my lord.

- Arthur... - Yes, Father.

Good evening, Phipps.

How nice to see you again, madam.

His lordship is engaged at present with Lord Caversham, madam.

How very filial.

His lordship told me to ask you, madam,...

.. to be kind enough to wait in the drawing room for him.

His lordship will come to you there.

- Lord Goring expects me? - Yes, madam.

Are you quite sure?

His lordship's directions...

.. on the subject were very precise.

No, I don't care for that lamp. It is too glaring. Light some candles.

Certainly, madam.

Marriage is not a matter...

.. of affection, sir, it is a question of common sense.

But women who have common sense are always so curiously plain.

I'm only speaking from hearsay.

No woman has any common sense at all, sir.

- It is the privilege of our sex. - Quite so.

And we men are so self-sacrificing we never use it, do we?

- I use it, sir! I use nothing else!

- Mmm, so my mother tells me.

It is the secret of your mother's happiness.

What was that?

Nothing, Father, nothing.

You are heartless, sir,... very heartless.

Oh, I hope not, Father.

When you left this afternoon,...

.. my life fell apart.

I am coming to you now,...

.. Gertrude.

There we are, madam.

Thank you.

Thank you, madam.

I'm afraid his lordship's not at home this evening, my lady.

I-I see.

- I'm sorry, Lady Chiltern. - Not at all.

As you keep saying!

- Is she in there? - Yes, my lord.

Oh, my dear fellow.

I'm sorry, Arthur, I didn't know where else to go.

I don't know what to do, Arthur.

Robert,...

.. last night you were telling me...

.. how much Gertrude means to you, how much you love her.

More than anything in the world.

There is a wide gulf...

.. between us now and I fear I shall never bridge it.

I fear she will never forgive me.

Surely there must be some sin

in her past life, any sin,...

.. weakness, perhaps, that might help her to understand yours.

I don't believe Gertrude knows what weakness is.

But she loves you, Robert. She cannot but forgive you.

I feel certain, if she could hear you now,...

.. the regret you feel about your past.

Regret?

Yes, regret.

I feel certain that she would pity you.

Perhaps, even at this moment, she is pitying you,...

.. praying that she might once again be in your arms.

God grant it, but I doubt it.

There is something else I need to tell you about, Arthur.

The debate on the Argentine canal is to begin at . .

I have made up my mind what I'm going to say.

I... have decided...

What was that?

Nothing.

- I heard a noise from next door. - No, no, you didn't.

Is there someone there?

- Arthur. - Robert, you are unnerved.

There is no-one. Sit down, for God's sake!

Do you give me your word of honour?

Oh, yes.

Let me look for myself!

- Robert... - If there is no-one there...

Robert,... there is someone in that room.

I do apologise,...

.. but I must state she is guiltless in this matter.

She is... scheming, devious and deceitful.

- I beg your pardon? - And you!

You are false as a friend...

.. and treacherous.

- Robert... - Good evening, Lord Goring.

Sir Robert.

So how the devil do you explain her presence here?

To be quite honest I can't...

I take it you two have been... planning this for some time!

We have never planned anything!

Except marriage.

You can't have forgotten, we were engaged for at least three weeks.

- Yes, but... - Why did you break it off?

You seem to be... entirely well suited to each other!

- Robert, I give you my word... - No, sir.

Oh, no, sir.

You have lied enough upon your... word of honour.

I appear to have caused something of a commotion.

Goodnight, Sir Robert.

So...

.. you've come here to sell me Robert Chiltern's letter.

To offer it to you on condition. How did you guess?

- What is your price for it? - My price.

I've arrived at the romantic stage.

When I saw you the other night at the Chilterns',...

.. I knew you were the only person I'd ever cared for,...

.. if I've ever cared for anybody, Arthur.

So...

.. on the morning of the day...

.. that you marry me, I will give you Robert Chiltern's letter.

That is my offer.

- Are you quite serious? - Yes.

Quite serious.

My dear Mrs Cheveley,...

.. I'm afraid I should make you a very bad husband.

I don't mind bad husbands. I've had two. They amuse me immensely.

Here is a chance to rise to great heights of self-sacrifice.

I think you should.

The rest of your life, you can spend contemplating your own perfections.

I do that as it is.

For the privilege of being your wife,...

.. I am ready to sacrifice the greatest prize in my possession.

I'm honoured.

- Arthur,... - Mmm?

.. you loved me once. You asked me to be your wife.

Ask me again.

Ask me now.

Bonsoir.

My dear Mrs Cheveley...

My dear Lord Goring.

I'm going to give you some good advice.

Never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

I don't seem to be able to stop myself.

I'm going to tell you...

.. that love...

.. about which, I admit, I know so little...

Love cannot be bought, it can only be given.

And I sense it is not in my power to give to you...

.. nor is it in yours, I suspect,... at all.

Dear boy, you underestimate us both.

To give...

.. and not expect return,...

.. that is what lies at the heart of love.

I fear, though,...

.. the notion is a stranger to us both.

And yet,...

.. if we are honest,...

.. it is something we both long for.

Something...

.. that it takes great courage to do.

Yes,...

.. that is our dark secret.

Your coming here tonight is the first whisper of it.

And for that, I admire you.

Give me the letter.

Prove your affections to me and give me the letter.

And surrender my position of power?

The future of a great man is in your hands, Mrs Cheveley.

Crush him and your power dies with him,...

.. as will any feeling I've ever had for you.

If you ever loved me...

I did love you.

I know, I know.

But not that much.

I know. I must admit I never thought you did.

Even so, I felt it worth a try.

I understand and respect you all the more for the attempt.

And I take it you reject my offer?

I fear I must...

.. when, tempting as it seems,...

.. in truth,...

.. it's little more than blackmail.

True.

- Gertrude! - Mabel.

I... suddenly remembered you were due to meet Arthur.

At least somebody remembered.

You mean he's not here either?

Oh... strange.

- Gertrude, are you quite well? - Me? Yes, of course.

No, I'm not at all.

Could we talk?

All I have learned leads me to reject and revile him for what he has done!

- And yet... - And yet?

I have never known such joy...

.. as when I'm with him.

I've never felt so... free...

.. as when I'm lying in his arms.

I'll look out for you at the Commons where at least I'll see your friend submit.

I wouldn't be too sure.

Come now. We both know how dearly he values his career.

I look forward to him proving you wrong. I anticipate it keenly.

- In fact, I'd stake my shirt on it. - Your shirt?

Indeed, I'd probably wager my entire wardrobe on his integrity.

What confidence.

Would you stake your liberty?

My liberty?

Mmm, a rather charming little idea has sprung into my head...

.. and, now I consider it, I discover it to be a rather charming big idea.

Go on.

If, as you suggest, he stands by his principles...

.. and condemns the scheme,...

.. then shall I give you his letter to dispose of as you choose.

But if, as I project,...

.. he surrenders to my demands and publicly supports the scheme, then...

- Then I give you my hand in marriage. - Precisely.

- To dispose of as you please. - You must concede...

.. there is a certain thrill to it.

Concede, too, how elegantly I have eased from proposal to proposition.

And with barely any loss of face. I'm most impressed.

We are creatures of compromise, you and I.

I await your response.

Are you less certain of your friend's nature when your own future rests on it?

Not at all. I accept your wager in all confidence.

- You do? - I do.

Oh, Arthur, isn't it remarkable...

.. how those two little words can quicken the heart?

Would you do something for me, Gertrude?

Accompany me to the House of Commons.

I believe there is an interesting debate there tonight.

I believe the Prime Minister himself has taken an interest.

And I believe...

.. that its outcome will prove particularly interesting to you...

.. and to me.

Whatever it may be.

Damn!

The Honourable Member...

.. for Witney.

- Good evening, Chiltern. - Good evening, sir.

I beg to ask the President of the Board of Trade...

.. to what extent he believes...

.. the projected Argentine canal merits the nation's attention and support.

Mr Speaker...

I believe this excellent scheme represents a genuine opportunity...

.. to extend our trading routes and to stamp our authority...

.. on an increasingly vital portion of the globe.

Excellent speech.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Neither did I, but I have developed a sudden, very singular interest...

.. in politics.

- Married yet? - Ask me again in half an hour.

What?

- Nothing. - The Member for Cheltenham.

- Arthur! - Shh.

I beg to ask the Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs...

.. to clarify his position in respect of the proposed scheme.

Hear, hear! Answer, sir!

Let me first of all thank the Honourable Member...

.. for his articulate contribution to the debate.

Since I last addressed this House on the subject,...

.. I have had the opportunity...

.. to investigate this scheme more thoroughly...

.. and to grasp fully the ramifications of our lending it support.

I have to inform the House...

.. that I was...

.. mistaken...

.. in my original perceptions...

.. and that I have now taken a rather different view.

Ow, ow!

I find that now I must agree with my Right Honourable friend...

.. that this is indeed an excellent scheme.

A genuine opportunity.

An opportunity,...

.. particularly if you happen to be a corrupt investor...

A corrupt investor with nothing but self-interest at heart.

Now it is my utter conviction that this scheme never should have had...

.. or should ever have any chance of success.

It is a fraud, an infamous fraud at that.

Our involvement would be a political fraud of the worst possible kind!

This...

.. great nation...

.. has long been a great commercial power.

Now it seems there exists a growing compulsion to use that power...

.. merely to beget more power,...

.. money merely to beget more money,...

.. irrespective of the true cost to the nation's soul.

And it is this sickness,...

.. a kind of moral blindness, commerce without conscience,...

.. which threatens to strike at the very soul of this nation!

The only remedy that I can see is to strike back and to strike now!

Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!

Order!

- Bravo! - As we stand...

As we stand at the end of this most eventful century,...

.. it seems that we do, after all, have a genuine opportunity.

One honest chance...

.. to shed our...

.. sometimes imperfect past.

To start again,...

.. to step unshackled...

.. into the next century...

.. and to look our future...

.. squarely and proudly...

.. in the face.

Hear, hear!

You must agree, it has been a romantic interlude.

You might even confess to some faint and secret regret at its outcome.

For I do indeed feel some slight relief that, in the end,...

-.. Sir Robert has come to no harm. - Really?

Oh, yes, you see, I'm not really quite as wicked as you suppose.

Mrs Cheveley!

And a lady must always honour her bets.

Come back with me, Arthur.

Come back to Vienna.

Bravo, Sir Robert. It seems I underestimated you.

- Robert. - Sorry if I've spoiled your plans.

- Far more than you realise. - Some small satisfaction.

- Look, Robert...

- I've nothing to say to you, Lord Goring.

Nor is there anything I wish to hear.

I hope that now you are content.

- That I didn't disappoint you. - Robert, I...

Let women make no more ideals of men or they may ruin other lives...

.. as completely as you, you whom I have loved so wildly,...

.. have surely ruined mine.

Robert...!

I know there is no hope for us now.

I know you can never forgive me.

Poor man. I almost begin to feel sorry for him.

Sorry?

I can't bear to see so upright and honourable an English gentleman...

.. being so shamefully deceived.

- Deceived? - And on such positively pink paper.

What are you talking about?

"I need you after all. I'm coming to you now. "

You stole Gertrude's letter?

Losing a man is scant cause for concern,...

.. but losing a man to her is another matter entirely.

It's only right Sir Robert should know, as indeed he shall,...

.. when the letter arrives at his office first thing in the morning.

You've got a good man there, Gertrude. You should try to hold on to him.

It occurs to me this whole business is really just about you and me.

- Gertrude, I must speak with you. - Oh, not now.

It's about that letter you wrote to me!

Do come round in the morning. I can't talk now.

Lord Goring.

Miss Mabel, about this evening, I...

Congratulations.

I beg your pardon?

I gather you are to be congratulated.

Nothing I like more than to be congratulated.

I find the pleasure immeasurably increased by knowing what for.

Haven't you heard? You're to be married. Your father says.

Does he?

Yes, he does.

Did he, by any chance, tell you to who?

No, but when we saw you with that woman Mrs Cheeseley,...

-.. we naturally assumed... - Oh, did we?

Yes, we did.

Well, the fact is your assumptions...

.. are presumptuous.

You see,...

.. I'm not sure...

.. that I've seen anything I quite like the look of yet.

Oh, really?

Mmm, really.

In which case, I have something vitally important to say to you.

Oh?

To look at a thing...

.. is quite different from seeing a thing.

And one does not see anything until one sees its beauty.

Oh, really?

Yes... Really.

Oh, Mabel.

Do you have something you wish to say to me, Lord Goring?

Um...

No, no, I don't think so.

Then I don't wish to hear it.

Goodnight.

I'm sure that nice Mr Trafford will have something to say to me...

.. and I'm even surer... I will be quite charmed to listen!

Damn!

It is a great nuisance.

I can't find anyone else to talk to...

.. and I'm so full of interesting information.

I feel like the latest edition of something or other.

Well,...

.. after some consideration,...

.. there's so much to do there's only one thing to be done.

There comes a time in every son's life when he must indeed...

.. follow his father's advice.

I shall go to bed at once.

I do hope we see you in the near future, Mrs Cheveley.

So do I, but I fear, Lady Markby,...

.. that for me the future seems strangely uncertain.

And what of the present?

Well, as a very dear friend once said to me,...

.. "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. "

Goodbye, dear Lady Markby.

London will be the lesser for your leaving...

.. and sadly lacking in scandal.

Ah, my dear Lady Markby, my personal favourite is shortly to unfold.

Consider it a parting gift.

Thank you, Mrs Cheveley.

May I see it?

Mmm.

So... that is what you were doing with that woman Mrs Cheveley?

Mmm.

Oh.

Well, it certainly didn't look that way.

There's a great deal of difference between looking and seeing,...

.. isn't there, Miss Mabel?

Oh, my dear Arthur,...

.. what a good friend you are to him.

To us.

But the truth is we're not out of danger yet.

There's a rather popular saying about frying pans and fires.

Only this time it is you and I who are to be roasted.

Oh, no, Arthur, I couldn't.

I think it is better he should know the exact truth.

So you want me to tell him... What?

That I intended a...

.. secret...

A secret rendezvous, yes.

With a single man? You want me to tell him that?

It's scandalous!

It's also the truth! In this case, it may be our best option.

- But I couldn't possibly tell him.

- Then may I do it?

Certainly not. And you must give me your word that you never will.

You are wrong, Gertrude!

But I will give you my word.

That you will never tell me what, Lord Goring?

Robert.

What does this mean?

Robert, I had meant to give it to you last night...

Last night?

Yes, when Gertrude sent it over,...

.. but you left in such a hurry...

So this letter is intended for me?

Well, of cour...

Oh, my goodness, you didn't think...

You couldn't possibly think that...

The name,...

.. the address on the envelope is yours.

She knew that when you left here you would come to me at once.

Well, it stands to reason, old man. Come on!

It's true, Robert.

I delivered it myself.

You did?

You did? Um... you did.

Certainly.

As you will remember, Gertrude, after my rehearsals, I called in for tea.

When you mentioned the letter,...

.. I remarked I was shortly to meet Lord Goring...

.. as we had an appointment to visit the exhibition...

.. at the Grosvenor which, apart from two studies in grey by Whistler,...

.. was exceedingly forgettable.

And that's exactly what Lord Goring proceeded to do. Namely forget it...

.. before he even saw it, for he never appeared,...

.. a fact which I find most upsetting on behalf of myself and Mr Whistler.

We're both deciding whether or not to forgive him.

In the meantime, I delivered the letter to your office this morning.

And, you know, the fact of the matter is...

.. I still haven't heard a word of apology!

Um...

Sorry.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Is this true?

"When you left,...

.. my...

.. my life fell apart. "

"I need you after all. "

Your life fell apart, Gertrude?

Yes.

Y-You need me, Gertrude?

Y-Yes.

Why did you not say that you loved me?

Oh, because I love you!

I...

I do not care what punishment or disgrace is in store for me!

This letter of yours... makes me feel that nothing that the world can do...

.. can harm me now!

There is no disgrace in store for you nor any public shame.

Oh, I...!

I-I don't understand!

We have much to thank him for, Robert.

When I finished my speech last night,...

.. I felt sure that my future was in ruins.

When you began it, I wasn't so sure about my own.

I don't know how to thank you.

I'm sure I'll think of something.

In the meantime, I'd be grateful for the return of my hand.

Oh.

Miss Mabel.

Miss Mabel.

Miss Mabel, wait!

I... er...

.. have something very particular to say to you.

Is it a proposal?

Well,...

.. yes, it is.

It is?

Er, well, I think it is.

- Well, yes or no? - Well...

- Actually, yes, I'm afraid it is. - I am so glad.

- That makes the second one today. - What?

- Oh dear, not... - Tommy Trafford.

It is one of Tommy's days for proposing.

He proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the season.

- Ah, but today is Friday. - I know.

Today is special.

You didn't accept him, did you?

I shall be in the conservatory under the second palm tree on the right.

Second palm tree on the right?

The usual palm tree.

And then we'll see how you do.

Usual?

Well, sir, what are you doing here?

Wasting your time, as usual.

My dear father, when one pays a visit,...

.. it is for the purpose of wasting other people's time.

- Why are you here? - I've important news for Chiltern.

- A seat in the Cabinet! - You well deserve it, too.

You have got what we want so much in political life - high character,...

.. high moral tone, high principles.

Everything that you have not got, sir, and never will have.

I...

.. cannot accept this offer, Lord Caversham.

I have decided to decline it.

Decline it, sir?

It is my intention to retire at once from public life.

Decline a seat in the Cabinet and retire?

I never heard such damned nonsense in the course of my existence!

I beg your pardon. Will you prevent your husband from making such a...

I think my husband is right. I agree with him.

You agree?

- Good heavens! - I admire him for it.

I admire him immensely for it.

I shall write at once...

.. to the Prime Minister.

If you'll excuse me for a moment, Lord Caversham.

Lord Caversham.

What is the matter with this family?

There's something wrong here, eh?

Idiocy? Hereditary, perhaps. Both of them, too.

Very sad indeed.

They're not an old family.

Can't understand it.

I suppose I'd better go back to the Prime Minister...

.. and tell him Chiltern won't take the seat.

Not yet. I'd rather you took a seat yourself.

- What are you prattling on about? - Go in there for a while, Father.

Second palm tree to the right. The usual palm tree.

- I want you to talk to somebody. - What about?

About me, sir, hmm?

Not a subject on which much eloquence is possible.

Gertrude...

Yes, Arthur. It is Robert who wishes to retire from public life.

- Really... - It was he who first said so.

Rather than lose your love, he would do anything.

- Has he not been punished enough? - We've both been punished.

I set him up too high.

Do not, then, set him down now too low!

It is not the perfect but the imperfect who have need of love.

You seem to know a great deal about everything all of a sudden.

Oh,... well, I hope not.

All I do know...

.. is that it takes courage to see the world in all its tainted glory...

.. and still to love it.

Even more courage to see it in the one you love.

Dear Gertrude,...

.. you have more courage than any woman I know.

Do not be afraid to use it.

Thank you, Father.

Can't say I hold out much hope, old man.

Lord Goring,...

.. you have something...

-.. you wish to say to me? - Um... ahem.

Marry me, M-M...

Marry me, Miss Mabel.

Well, Lord Goring,... I must say this comes as quite a surprise.

Oh, well, if you need time to consider, I'll just...

No! No, I don't need time... I need a reason.

What?

A reason why you think I should marry you.

Oh... um...

Um... a reason, you say?

A good one, yes.

- Oh. - Robert.

May I?

Of course.

Gertrude!

It is enough to know you would sacrifice it...

.. when I asked.

We have, all of us, feet of clay, Robert. Women as well as men.

Can it be that...

.. you've forgiven me?

Oh, I-I suppose it must be that.

Oh, goodness!

Hold me, Robert!

Forgive me.

Gertrude!

Gertrude, my wife!

- I love you. - I love you.

I love you.

Is that your reason?

Mmm.

I love you.

- Mabel, I said... - I-I-I know.

Well,...

.. couldn't you...

.. love me just a little bit in return?

Arthur,... you silly!

If you knew anything about anything, which you don't,...

.. you'd know I absolutely adore you.

- Really? - Mmm.

Well, why didn't you mention it before?

Because, dear boy,...

.. you never would've believed me.

What the devil's going on in this house?

Congratulations! If the country doesn't go to the radicals,...

.. we shall have you Prime Minister!

Thank you. Arthur, I wish there was something I could do to repay you.

Well, Robert, as a matter of fact, there is.

You are your sister's guardian. I'd like your consent to our marriage.

- Oh, I'm so glad! - You wish to marry Mabel?

Yes.

- It's quite out of the question. - Oh, Robert!

I have to consider Mabel's future happiness.

As much as I care for you, Arthur, I don't think her happiness...

.. would be safe in your hands.

But I love Mabel. No other woman has a place in my heart.

Darling,...

.. if they truly love each other, why should they not be married?

I shall tell you.

When I called on Lord Goring yesterday evening,...

.. Mrs Cheveley was concealed in his rooms.

I then discovered that they were at one time engaged to be married.

I'm very sorry, Mabel,...

.. but how can I possibly allow you to marry him...

.. when he's involved with another woman?

I'm sorry, Arthur.

It would be wrong of me.

It would be unjust to her.

Very well.

- But, Arthur... - Shh.

Mabel,...

.. there is nothing I can say.

Robert,...

.. Arthur was as surprised as you...

.. to find Mrs Cheveley there last night.

He was expecting...

.. quite another woman.

Another woman? You mean...

Well, the truth is...

.. the business about Mabel and Mr Whistler...

You see, that was just... my friends being kind...

.. and... um... protecting me.

Er, well, the truth is,... when I agreed to the story...

.. about the letter being intended for you and... not for Arthur,...

.. well,...

.. you see,...

.. the truth is...

The truth... is...

.. I lied!

Bravo.

Father!

I need a drink!

Me too!

If you don't make her an ideal husband,...

.. I'll cut you off with a shilling.

An ideal husband? Oh, I don't think I should like that.

What do you want him to be, then, my dear?

I think he can be whatever he chooses.

You don't deserve her, sir.

My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved,...

.. we should have a very bad time of it.

You are heartless, sir, quite heartless.

Oh, I hope not, sir,...

.. I hope not.

Special help by SergeiK ############################################# Beauty Shop Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally, the Beautyshop script is here for all you quotes spouting fans o f the movie starring Queen Latifah . This script is a transcript that was pains takingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Beauty Shop. I know , I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally twea king it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Beauty Shop Script

WJLM

Hotlanta, home of the Hawks, the Atlanta Stomp,

and that fine-ass Michael Vick!

Michael. If you out there listenin'.

Come on over to WJLM

ard touch down on a sister's backside.

Your girl Helen's got an end zone you wouldn't believe. Baby!

Holler at your girl!

Call me anytime

Call me if you need someone to talk to

Call me, satisfaction guaranteed

- Darnelle, you see my blue sweater? - Leave me alone.

Darnelle, I know you be dippin' in my closet

and I'm not going anywhere until...

- Leave me alone. - You missed.

Hey, Nana.

Look at you!

- Come on, sit down, baby.

- No, thanks. I'm late.

Nana, have you seen my blue sweater?

I ain't seen it.

- Go ask your mama. - Mama!

Stop screaming. I'm back here.

You almost ready, baby girl? We gotta go.

I can't find my blue sweater.

That's because it's in the truck where you left it,

where you pretty much leave everything.

Okay, I guess I'm ready.

You ain't strollin' up in school with that pimp hat on.

Mom, it's not a pimp hat, it's fashion. Alicia Keys has the same one.

Well, good for her. Lose the hat.

Why send me to a performing arts school

if you're not gonna allow me to be creative or express myself?

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

"Sounds like a contradiction to me."

Lose the hat and the attitude. I'll meet you in the car. Go ahead.

- Vanessa! - Yeah?

Do you think these pants make my butt look big?

- Yeah, they do. - Perfect.

- I see my blue sweater. - Yep.

Hi!

Told you.

Go ahead, get out.

Wait. Fly me some fingers.

- All right, have a good day. Love you. - Love you, too.

Can't believe it. She was right.

Hollerirg with Helen in the morrirg

Hotlanta, how y'all is?

H hope y'all feeling somethin' like me.

I reckon y'all checkin' my good mood this mornin'.

'Cause your girl Helen is doin' quite well. Thank you very much.

See. One of my many mens-es came through last right

and got crunk with my trunk. If you know what I'm sayin'.

Yeah. He got a sister smilin'

like she just got a thousard-dollar credit ircrease

on her gas card and ready to get pumped!

Y'all know I ain't lyin' to you. Just keepin' it real. For real. For real.

Holler at your girl Helen. I'll holler.

Don't even worry about it. I'll get the hair.

You just come on in and we... Yeah, we'll see you at : .

All right, bye-bye.

No, no, I can't go. I have my consultation later.

Finally getting those implants.

Dr. Kopelin says it'll take like a week or so to recover,

Dr. Kopelin says it'll take like a week or so to recover,

but I'll be so doped up on Vicodin, who cares?

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

Joanne, Joanne, girl, I'm telling you, don't do it.

Or you know what? You'll be going hot and heavy with your boyfriend,

he squeeze too hard, that thing fly right out your mouth.

Besides, you don't need that, girl. Do you know why?

- Why? - Because you are beautiful.

- Oh, my God, Gina! It's amazing. - Well, you know.

You just have to give me a bottle of that special conditioner you make.

Hey, you gotta keep that on the low,

because Jorge only likes us using Jorge products.

Oh, forget about Jorge.

I swear, you're the best thing that ever happened to him.

Is she now? I thought the best thing to ever happen to Jorge's was Jorge.

My God, Joanne, you look fantastic. You look incredible.

So, when you getting the implants?

Soon.

Jorge, you have a gem on your hands.

- Gina is a miracle worker. - Yeah. She's a... worker.

Sweetie, I gotta run.

I got some crow's feet screaming for some Botox, so next week?

I'll be here.

Great to see you, baby.

So, Gina, nice work.

Thanks. Just doing what I do.

Well, about that, just remember that in doing what you do,

you're actually doing what I do, what Jorge does,

the person whose name is on the moniker, ja?

"My nigga"? What?

"Moniker." As in the name on the building.

So, that being said, you just have a marvelous day, ja?

You need to learn how to pronounce that correctly.

Jorge's time of the month again?

Let's go get some lunch.

I could use some air, anyway.

You got a dictionary? I gotta look up this word: "ma-nigga."

- "Moniker"? - "Ma-nigga."

- "Ma-nigger"? - That's what I thought he said.

- You said, "My nigga"? - "My nigger"?

- Don't you ever say that again. - What?

You know, you whites, you can't really say that word,

but that's what I thought Jorge said!

The guy can do some hair. Well, he can work a flip.

- But he's a idiot to work for. - At least you got a chair.

- I'm stuck in shampoo hell. - Girl, you'll get out.

Oh, dear God, let it be soon!

I've been dying to show you something.

Pictures from a hair show I worked last weekend.

Those are my models.

What?

You did this?

Girl, this is good. Jorge is trippin' not giving you a chair.

Well, if it means anything to you, you always got a chair in my shop.

- Why, thank you. - Well, when I get a shop.

What do you want a shop for? Too much of a headache.

I always wanted my own shop.

Shoot, sell my own products.

Vanessa getting accepted into that expensive-ass music school

just moved it from Chicago to here.

- But it'll happen. - Yes, it will.

Until then, I'm just gonna kick back, stack my chips at Jorge's...

And try not to kill him.

- She can play, can't she? - Yeah, just like her daddy.

Rest his soul.

She don't have the same passion for it since he died, though.

But still, all I got to do is hear her play

to know why I put up with Jorge's nonsense.

I want my daughter to have the best, you know?

Hell, at this point, all I want from my daughter

is some common sense and some clothes that fit.

Gina, the girl put on a pair of pants

that came down to the top of her burning bush.

Sometimes that girl make me mad enough to chew bricks.

Don't mess your dental work up over it.

- I don't know. - She gonna be all right.

You look absolutely fantastic.

We going to make another appointment, touch up the roots, ja?

- Ja. Thank you, Jorge. - Great to see you.

Don't be afraid to hop on top.

Listen, a man like a lady in the streets and a freak in the bedroom.

You know, you got, what, seven kids? I'm telling you...

Terri is here.

I must go to Pilates.

Please make sure that she's taken care of, ja?

Okay, soon as I square away Mrs. Dexter.

Pronto, Gina.

Fine, Jorge. Right away.

You might want to find a frame for your memories.

Preferably not one from K-Mart.

Jorge's was not named Best Designed Salon in Atlanta

for having Scottish tape on some mirrors, right? Ja?

Okay, I go now.

Hey, Terri. How you doin'? Come on, get comfortable.

I'm having this major party for Steven and a few of his clients.

And I just have to look remarkable. I just have to.

So I was hoping that, you know,

you would do a little of your magic on me.

I think I can conjure up somethin' for you.

You know what? Lynn, I got this.

Why don't you go finish setting Mrs. Dexter for me?

I don't know. I was just supposed to shampoo till an available chair opens.

Well, do you see me at my chair?

No.

Then it's open. Go ahead, girl, do your thing.

Come on back.

- So tell me about this dinner party. - Big, big party.

But, don't worry, I've got everything under control.

I have caterers, the kids all have play dates...

- Well, that's good to hear. - Life is good.

You know, life is just really, really good.

You havin' problems with Steven again?

Yeah, I am.

He just looks at me like he hates me.

- He does. - Come on, now.

He doesn't hate you. Don't even worry about it.

I got my special conditioner to take care of that, so...

You know, I just don't know what to do. I try to please him.

I do everything. I've bought sex toys.

Did you get any of them Chinese balls?

- Do you think that'll work? - Oh, man.

That's the move right there.

I mean, I hear they make men go crazy.

You just sneak 'em up in there and then go...

I don't know about that!

...out. - Shampooer.

I guess.

So don't forget you gotta drink a lot of water, take those vitamins,

and come on back next week.

Let me give you another treatment, okay?

Thank you, Gina. Your cream has just saved my hair.

- Oh, Terri, come on. - Thank you.

Take care now. Have fun!

- You're so sweet! - Don't stress!

Hello, shampooing girl.

Have you gone cuckoo clock in the head?

I don't remember saying you could leave the shampooing area.

You are the shampooing girl. You should be shampooing, no?

Lynn! Girl, you got some skills on you!

Look at this. This is great!

- I hope I didn't get her in trouble. - I hope not.

So, this is not the way we do things here at Jorge's, ja?

Look, I know it wasn't proper protocol,

but you were gone, and I was busy and Lynn...

Look, Lynn has her license. So I just told her to take a shot.

So you told her to take a shot.

Yeah. And she dunked it.

I don't care if she dunked it, alley-ooped it,

touch-downed it, or any of your other little street colloquialisms.

You don't get to give shots here at Jorge's, okay?

I give the shots... unless you're diabetic.

Right? The stylists here, they work for me, they don't work for you.

So if you wish to continue working here,

I suggest that you get with the program

and you give me some proper respect, ja?

I showed you the proper respect when I took care of your client

while you took a Pilates class.

So you wish to altercate with me?

You have no idea what I wish to do with you.

You know, you act like you own me or something.

Gina, Gina, of course I do.

Without me, you would be back in Chicago, baby,

washing hair in your mama's kitchen.

Now you wanna talk about my mama?

So do I own you?

Technically, as in "have papers on you"? No.

Get your fingers out my face.

I've given you the lifestyle that you have grown accustomed to.

Get your fingers out my face.

And, like all things, what Jorge giveth, Jorge can also taketh away.

You know what, Jorge? I don't need a damn thing from you.

You hear me?

And you cannot "taketh" anything away from me.

You know, matter of fact, I giveth it back. I quit.

- Oh, you quit? - Yeah. I don't need this.

Shoot. I quit.

Outta here. Snatch my picture off the wall.

Everybody knows I am the shit all up and through Jorge's.

And what's up with the K-Mart thing, huh?

Is it 'cause I'm black?

Is it 'cause I'm black? 'Cause I'm black?!

Let me tell you something, baby. You're nothing without me.

You're going to fall flat on your ass, I promise you that.

Well, I got a little cushion.

You wanna kiss it? I didn't think so!

- What you doin' up? - Can't sleep.

I miss him.

- So do I. - Wait a minute.

Does this mean I'm gonna have to leave music school now?

No. Why would you say that, Vanessa?

Because, Mom... you got fired.

No. I quit. There's a difference.

Please. If I wanted to go get a job tomorrow at a shop, I could.

But that's not where my heart is. It's time I owned somethin'.

I can't approve this, not for this much.

But didn't you read my business plan or my letters of recommendation?

All very impressive, but...

But...

Miss Norris, see, you're missing what we like to call here

at Southern Mutual and Savings "the three C's."

- Credit, collateral... - Color.

No. I was gonna say capital,

which is something that you could earn

by acquiring one of our secured credit cards,

as opposed to you throwing around your... race one.

And that's my lunch calling me, but nature's calling me first.

So, Miss Norris, good day to you.

Don't kill me.

Stay still, now, or I'ma mess around and take your eye out.

Relax, woman.

There. Okay, okay.

Let me get a look at you.

All right.

There. A new face at the bank.

- You like it? - Oh, you...

I guess that's a "yes," or is that the way you fight?

No. I like it. I love it.

I haven't seen this woman in years.

Well, now you got her back. Try not to lose her.

All right, go get that cutie bank manager now.

Loan approved.

What?

You got your loan.

I got it? Oh, yes!

Go Gina, it's your birthday

I got a hundred-fifty thou', a hundred-fifty thou'

- No, Gina, no, no. - A hundred-fifty...

No, I... No, we... Not quite that much.

That's cool.

I'll take a hundred thousand!

- No, no, Gina. - What? What? No?

What? Like

?

?

- I can work with sev... Lower than that? - Thirty.

Thirty thousand dollars? What kind of shop can I buy with that?

Lord Jesus, have mercy!

Look like somebody swallowed the ' s and threw it up in here.

Now, Gina, I've been in some messed up salons, but damn!

Girl, this is just straight-up nasty!

Thanks, Darnelle. Tell me how you really feel.

What's that supposed to be?

Looks like some kind of skylight.

Mama, that look like a big ol' hole in the ceilin' to me.

I got an electrician coming to look at that tomorrow.

Listen to that. Whoever's up there can play.

And they need to stop.

The realtor told me I'd be inheriting a few stylists, not a whole damn band.

Well, Gina, let's just look at the blessing in it.

You've got your own beauty shop!

Be happy. It's yours!

Come on, let's make this place sparkle!

I'm ready! Let's turn this into Gina's!

Turn that music on!

There we go... Madam C.J.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, ma'am. I received a message yesterday.

Joe's Electrical Repairs. I'm Joe.

I found your business card on Miss Angeline's desk,

and I was guessing you had done some work here before?

A little. Miss Angeline wasn't exactly into repair and upkeep.

- Who you telling? - Well, it looks nice.

- You've done a great job with it. - Thank you.

And you are?

I'm Gina. Sorry.

And this is my mother-in-law, that's Paulette and her daughter Darnelle.

- And that's my baby, Vanessa.

- Ladies.

So, you're familiar with the place. How bad is it?

The place needs a lot of work.

Rotting wires, outdated sockets...

And the main breaker keeps getting tripped.

- Is that a problem? - Not if you like standing in the dark.

A lot just needs to be done. A total upgrade.

Well, right now, I just need you to take care of this one thing for me.

Now, you see this big ol' hole in the ceilin'?

That just ain't workin' for me.

Neither's the piano playing coming out of it, if you know what I'm saying,

so I just need you to take those wires

and sort of stuff 'em back up in there so I can patch up the ceiling.

Can you do that for me?

Can you do that for me?

I could, but that's not going to solve your dilemma.

So, let's say I do the whole upgrade thingamajig.

How much is that gonna cost me?

I'd say between

to

.

Well, don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out.

Okay, then... Good luck.

Wait, wait. Come on, what about the ceilin'?

Don't look at it.

I guess I'm supposed to ignore the piano playin' comin' through it?

I'll try to play more quietly.

I play piano, too.

Is that right, mademoiselle?

Yeah. Maybe I can come up and play some time?

Maybe. We'll see, little one.

- Ladies, ciao. - Bye.

Mama, I like him.

And I like you with this broom in your hand.

Gina, it's looking beautiful.

You think the ladies will like it when they come in tomorrow?

Please, compared to what they were workin' with

before we got here, they should love it.

So, what don't you like about the place?

I ain't sayin' I don't like it.

I just say, you know, I don't think it's all o' that. That's all.

For real. It's gonna take more than a new little paint job

and some posters to impress me.

This coming from a woman who had Popeye's cater her wedding.

Church's. It was Church's, Josephine.

- It was chicken. - I ain't mad at you.

I had Gladys Knight Chicken and Waffles cater mine.

I still got waffles in the freezer.

Would y'all let the woman who own the shop talk?

Go on, Gina.

Thank you, Miss Josephine.

Say what you got to say. It's your shop, sister.

All right, now, what I was trying to say wa...

They ain't gonna listen, no way.

Talk to us, go on.

Go on.

What I was tryin' to say was, no...

What about the booth rent?

I hope you don't plan on raisin' it.

Can't be coming outta pocket, Gina.

I can't come outta pocket.

M.J. Got basketball camp, baby A-Rod need a new stroller,

and little Shaq, he need braces.

Dang, girl. You got you a little Dream Team over there, huh?

And look, Auntie Gina, this one here is Venus Serena Marion Jones, Junior.

Right, that's Auntie Gina's baby.

So, look, as of right now, no, I'm not gonna raise the booth rent,

but I will be making some changes around here.

Look, I'm trying to create an environment where you can come and relax.

All right? We are professionals. Professionals.

And you never know, Oprah might come strollin' up in here one day.

Yeah, you know, if she mistook the place for, what, a Krispy Kreme joint?

You need to hush, little sister. You ain't got a pot to piss in.

Oprah pot platinum, baby.

You know that poem Maya Angelou wrote? "Phenomenal Woman"?

"Pretty woman, wonder where my secret lies?

I ain't cute or built to fit a fashion-model size."

She's talking about Oprah, hon!

Yes, she was! And just like Oprah, I wanna be the best.

And in order to be the best, we got to change the game a little bit.

Which brings me to this... please, no more food on the counters.

Let's try to keep it as clean as we can.

You know what? I make you this promise.

I ain't gonna get no food on your stuff.

Don't sit...

That's a little syrup spilled on the seat.

That's a white couch.

But it look like Louis Vuitton.

They ain't gonna know.

- High fashion. - Turn it over.

- You can Shout it out. - Shout it out.

- Pull it out and throw it in the dryer. - What's up?

Yo, look, we gotta work as a team.

In order to work as a team, we have to look like a team.

New smocks, one size fits all. Porsche, Mercedes.

- What? - Okay?

They ain't had none of these with some Kente cloth

or somethin' more with a little Motherland flavor, a cheetah print?

This ain't got no breast flap. I mean, how am I supposed to...

If l... Maybe right here. Maybe it'll slip through the hole.

Am I late?

Hey! No, no, no.

You right on time, girl. Come on in.

Everybody, this is Lynn.

Lynn is one of the baddest hair stylists to ever set foot out of Augusta...

Blue Ridge.

Blue Ridge, Georgia.

She got mad skills. The girl is talented.

And she gonna be working here in the shop with us.

Working here. As what?

As a stylist.

Hell, no!

Hell, no!

Come on. Okay, you know what?

I'm sorry, but you doing a little too much around here, okay?

I mean, you ain't tryin' to, what, brighten up the place.

You's tryin' to whiten up the place.

For real.

So, here's what I'ma do, Gina.

I'ma let you and little Miss Blue Ridge, here, you know, have the shop.

Do your thang. Go on, girl! Do your thang.

'Cause I can't be a part of this, okay? Porsche, are you rollin'?

Yeah. I ain't gonna be able to do it, either.

- I didn't mean to run 'em out. - No, no, don't even worry about it.

Better we get rid of the bad apples now.

Besides, them girls got too much attitude.

I 'bout to slap the shit out of one o' they asses.

A'ight, anybody else leavin'? 'Cause this white bitch here is stayin'.

Chanel.

You know, no white girl is gonna mess up me and my money.

Y'all can go.

- Whatever. - A'ight... whatever.

All right. Y'all, you wanna fly outta here with them birds?

'Cause I got a business to run. I need to know something.

That's what I'm talking about. All right.

Gina's Beauty Shop.

No problem. Thank you. Bye-bye.

- Excuse me. - May I offer you a cappuccino?

I don't want no damn cappa-whatever-it-is.

Where's Angeline at?

I'm sorry. She's no longer here.

- She die? - No, no, no, she didn't die.

Then where is she? 'Cause I got an appointment.

Well, my name is Gina. I bought the shop from Miss Angeline.

I can have one of my other operators assist you, if you like, Miss...

Mrs. Towner.

Mrs. Towner.

"T" as in "Tom," "O" as in "Othavee,"

"W" as in "Willacoochee, Georgia."

- Willacoochee. - And "ner" as in...

"I don't live 'ner' here."

Well, don't let me keep you waiting any longer.

Come on, now. Would you like some water or something, Mrs. Towner?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Lynn, would you take care of Mrs. Towner, please?

Of course. Hi, Mrs. Towner.

When'd you all get to be so integrated 'round here?

This morning. What can I do for you today?

Don't give me no 'fro. Just keep my curls neat and tight.

And then maybe you can pin it up for me.

Not a problem.

Girl, what you know 'bout doin' black folks' hair?

I'm not gonna screw it up, if that's what you mean.

Good for you.

Here's your water, Miss Towner... Mrs.

Well, thank you, sweetie.

...and I'm tellin' him to move back just a little bit, you know what I mean?

But he wouldn't even move back.

Well, either I'm still buzzin' from last night's party,

or Miss Angeline done come up.

For real, though, from backwood to Hollywood. This is nice.

Ladies, hi. I'm Gina. I'm the new owner.

Can I offer you some cappuccinos?

- Or water? Some coffee? - Don't mind if I do.

- I like you already, Miss Gina. - Me, too.

Damn! Look at you with that big ol' rock on your finger!

You ought to be careful rollin' with that.

Just a little six-karat keepsake my husband bought me.

Christopher Clark... power forward... Atlanta Hawks?

"Three-point Chris"? That's your husband?

Oh, my God, girl, he got game.

Yes, he does.

Anywho, I have an appointment with Mercedes today.

Anywho, I have an appointment with Mercedes today.

She no longer works here.

Well, we'll take Porsche today, then.

She gone, too.

Actually, we got rid of all of our foreign cars.

Well, damn! I couldn't get a heads-up or something?

You know, we should just go on over to Aspire, girl,

and get in where we fit in, 'cause obviously this...

Well, you could do that or... you could let me do your hair.

I know how you like to roll. You like to keep it tight. I can tell.

You don't play about your look.

And let me tell you somethin', I will have you lookin' fly as a mug courtside.

Did I tell you my name was Gina? I don't play about my edges.

I will lay that hair down.

I'll have it shining up on that big ol' Jumbotron,

that big monitor TV that be in the arena.

Yeah, that's right.

You gonna have to just stop and take a look at yourself,

because everybody else gonna be looking at you.

I'm so sorry, but I don't really know you.

I'll do it for free.

So where should I sit?

No, I can't do highlights.

My client has an important game tonight, and I'm trying to go with the P-l-M-P look.

Well, perhaps Jorge is not for you, then.

No, you know... Maybe Jorge is for me.

- Let's do this. - Great.

Stacy, where is the shampooing girl, what's her name?

We need to get Corky washed.

You mean Lynn? She quit.

Come again?

She quit.

She called this morning. I left a message on your desk.

She said that if anyone asks, that she was working down at Gina's.

Working at Gina's what?

Gina's salon.

Okay, well...

Today is your lucky day. I'll wash you myself. Come with me.

Have a seat.

Don't forget to use a cape.

It's not my first day at the picnic, Stacy.

I know all about the cape, ja?

Shouldn't I be taking my jacket off?

Leave the jacket, take off your pants. I'm kidding.

Stacy! Stacy!

I'm sorry, I just need a moment.

Looks good, don't it?

Girl, it looks good. That's all you?

This is my hair. Blown out.

Yup, girl, it's nice!

Well, Gina, I'm booking you, girl. When can you get me in?

- I can take you tomorrow at - I'll be here at : .

: .

Say, now, mama, how you doing?

Damn! You a nice little pound cake.

How y'all doin'?

Y'all want a little chocolate? Y'all don't want nothin'?

Y'all looking, sittin' over here, lookin' all done up and thang.

So, I figured y'all want somethin'.

So y'all just gonna float on past a brother.

Brother can't get no communicato? A'ight, then.

How you doin'?

Damn, you a thick one! You got top and bottom.

Gimme a quarter. I promised my mama I'd call her as soon as I fell in love.

Whassup, little man? What you sellin'?

Candy bars.

See, I'm raisin' money so I can shoot my music video.

If you want, you could be in it.

Come and get low wit' it. Shake it like a salt shaker.

Shake it like a salt shaker!

What is your name?

I'm Willie, a.k.a. Will-Boogie, from Decatur, Georgia.

That my daddy pawn shop next door.

What yo' name, meal?

My name is Gina. I own the shop.

And if you want to sell your candy in here,

you gonna have to learn how to be a little more courteous to the ladies.

- I got that, no doubt. My bad, Gina. - All right. Okay.

So, Miss Gina, you gonna buy some five-dollar chocolate

to go with those healthy milk-sacks you got?

Don't bring your little behind back here till you learn how to speak to a lady!

That's what you get!

She loves me.

Don't you even try, girl. I don't know whose bike this is.

- Can I have one? - Can you have one?

Can I have one?

Hey, Nana.

- How's my girls? - Good.

- Hey, Paulette. - All right?

Go and get cleaned up, baby.

It feels good to be home.

So, Gina, how was it?

Well, it was...

I know that bike out there ain't yours.

No, girl. That's P.J.'s bike.

- I ain't even gonna ask. - A'ight, Mama.

I'm gone.

- Bye. - Bye, Darnelle.

- You be careful on that bike, hear? - Mama, I will.

Gina, I swear, it's more trouble havin' that girl than it was makin' her.

See, your father-in-law had a crooked one.

I had to walk around the corner just to get on it.

So, what were you...

So. I must've put it on the brother. 'Cause the fool wouldr't leave me alone.

I mean, he was blowin' up my phone, my girlfriend's phone,

drivin' by my house. My mama's house.

This dude was straight trippin'.

So I did what any other normal black woman would do.

'Cause a white girl wouldn't do this.

- They go down to the police station... - Come on.

Get a restrainin' order. Piss the man off ard have him waitin'

ir the damn bushes with a butcher krife ready to kill a bitch.

- H had to get creative. - That's great.

Go ghetto on a black man.

- Y'all say "ghetto." - Ghetto!

- Ghetto! - A sistah had to get sirister or a Negro.

Basically. A womar had to do what she had to do.

- What'd you do? - I lied and told him I was pregnant.

I ain't seen that fool in ten years. H ain't lyin'. Ladies. Wrorg or right?

I wanna hear from ya, Hotlanta.

Holler at Helen or hit me on my website

at www.how-to-shake-a-nigga.com.

No, she didn't.

I didn't know you could say the "N" word on the radio.

No, no, sweetie. She can say it, you just can't.

You know what?

Now, you could be black, white, ghetto past, no ghetto past,

ain't nobody sayin' the "N" word up in this shop.

And no "bitches" and "hos," either. 'Cept for the ones who don't leave a tip.

That's for real, that's for real.

But we will be wearin' our smocks unless your name is Gina.

I forgot.

Look good, don't it? I had to put a little Motherland flavor on it.

Some sexiness.

It's a little too sexy.

You might wanna use some of that mud cloth

and like, kinda, you know, cover up the girls.

"Does my sexiness offend you?"

No. I'm just sayin'...

"Does it come as a surprise?"

Ah, Lord!

"That I dance like I got diamonds at the meetin' of my thighs?"

Lord, here we go. Her and her Miss Angeloo.

Angelou. "Does my haughtiness offend you?

"Don't you take it awful hard

"'cause I laugh like I got gold mines

diggin' in my own backyard."

Don't dig too deep,

Miss Josephine.

"Leavin' behind nights of terror and fear

"I rise into a daybreak that is wondrously clear.

"I rise bringin' the gifts that the ancestors gave.

"I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise."

I rise!

I rise!

Yeah, I rise!

All right, let's rise our asses back to work. Come on, now.

Hotlanta. Helen be talkin' to ya stardin' up.

'Cause I just went and got me a bikini wax.

Damn! That ain't natural. Doin' that torture to yourself!

What's the big deal 'bout some stray hair?

You be doin' it to look all clear for your man.

But it hurts so damn much. You don't want him comin' nowhere near it!

Man, Gina, you can make some serious bling,

you start doin' some waxes up in here, girl.

You like landscapin', why don't you plant yourself a garden?

Please, honey. My man loves it.

I know that's right.

And it helps 'em know where they goin'.

Girl, ain't nobody gonna come over to your house if they can't find it.

Well, my man found my door just fine.

That's a revolvin' door.

Okay, nasty heifers.

You know, real men like a woman natural and wild!

Girl, please, you are preaching to your damn self, honey.

My man likes it trimmed and perfect. He even waxes his own brows.

Oh, girl, you got one o' them cryin' men, don't you?

No. No, I don't.

You show me a man can't cry,

and I'll show you one that's hittin' somebody.

I'm gonna let him cry.

I only got time for one cryin' man.

And in my house, it better be the one wearin' the diapers.

Well, how about when you're makin' mad, passionate love...

...and he reaches his climax,

and that one little tear starts rollin' down his face

like Denzel Washington in Glory?

Then you got him whipped!

She had to say Denzel. She couldn't have said Brad Pitt.

Hell, she coulda said Bozo the Clown.

Hey, darlin'!

How you doin'? Bet you no good, darlin'.

Look at this! Is that Italian marble?

Girl, who y'all got invested up in here, Ted Turner?

Lord, Miss Rita got catfish dinner,

sock-it-to-me cake and blueberry bean pie.

- What y'all want, darlings? - Excuse me. Excuse me, Rita?

How you doin', darlin'? Get in line, sweetheart.

Get in line? I don't think you understand.

I'm Gina. I'm the new owner of this place.

- And I'd appreciate... - You the new owner?

I'm so glad you the new owner, baby,

'cause, you know, Miss Angeline, well, she used to skim off my fish dinners.

You know, she's a Christian, but I think she La Cosa Nostra.

Hold this for me.

Here, darlin', I'll always have a plate of food for you, Gina.

That's free food. You need a extra piece of monkey bread?

The monkey just jump right outta me. I don't know what happens to her.

- And then lookit, we got the greens... - Oh, you!

Yeah, you, there. Hey.

Could you go ahead and park my car, and just let me tip you later, because...

Shit. Hold this for me.

Terri, how you doin'? One second.

'Scuse me? Gimme them damn keys! What's wrong with you?

Where'd the valet go?

He's... goin' to take a coffee break.

- What are you doin' around here? - Look what Mindy at Jorge's did to me!

I look like a scarecrow!

You saved my hair, Gina.

Well, don't make me have to save it again, girl.

I'm coming here.

Monkey bread? It just come out of me like that.

- No, no, thank you. - For sure?

I made it fresh this mornin'! You gonna love it.

- I got some greens, some okra, knuckles. - Rita, Rita.

You gonna love it.

She says she don't want none.

Okay, my bad. I'm just tryin' to put a little fat on her.

- Take that with you, darlin'. - No, I really shouldn't.

You see, Steven wants me to lose a few pounds.

- Who is Steven? - Her husband.

He wouldn't be singin' that song

if you had one of them J. Lo/Beyonc¨¦ booties.

Or if he had one o' those.

This is the picture I was talkin' about...

Damn! Now, see, that's just too much ass.

See, now, if a plane crash, we could eat for days.

- That's all burger, right there.

- Enjoy the view?

- Take a picture. - All right.

Look at these... Get yo' ass out of my window 'fore I call the police!

This ain't Magic City! Broke-asses!

- You see them pervs over there? - You know, I really do miss Steven.

- Seems like he's been gone forever. - He gone again?

Well, where's he off to this time, Mr. Big-Time Sports Attorney?

Hawaii, three weeks. He's closin' some big deal or somethin'.

He's tryin' to close a deal on smackin' some Hawaiian ass.

Girl, he's down there bein' a Don Ho.

- He tappin' on somethin'. - Tappin'? What's tappin?

- Tappin', tappin', tappin'. - No, Steven's not like that.

He, you know, he loves me.

He just works really hard.

I bet he do.

- I do want to look pretty for him, though. - And you will.

I cannot believe that Jorge passed me off on Mindy.

I mean, that shop is completely out of control since you left.

- Well, good. That's what he gets. - Sorry.

Speak o' the devil!

My angel, sweetness, my God, I'm so sorry.

I heard about the mishap with your hair,

and I want you to know that Mindy has been released.

Sweetheart, don't worry about that. Gina's taking care of me.

Gina who?

You know, Gina Gina.

- Say "hello," Gina. - It's Gina, bitch.

Bye, Jorge.

- That felt good! - Yes, it did!

Can you get her a free cappuccino, please?

- The devil is everywhere. It don't mean... - Be nice!

I ain't talking to that woman.

So what you girls think about that Janice Jackson?

Janet. Janet, baby.

Janet... Jackson.

She's crazy, huh?

- Why she gotta be crazy? - Well, you know, with the titty and all that.

- What's wrong with the titty? - No, I like...

You like titties?

No, I mean...

I don't know if I'm fittin' in here.

- Well, you just got here. - Yeah, I know.

I know I just got here, but I feel really, really...

white.

You feel really white as opposed to what other color?

You know what I mean. I'm not as hip as you guys are.

Don't get me wrong, I can handle the girls, as lame as I think they are.

I can roll with the punches.

But the fact is, I've only had one client since I got here,

and you gave her to me.

So... maybe I should just go.

Who should go is that crazy-ass lady out there

hustlin' them bean pies and monkey bread.

- Like she got Tourette's or somethin'. - I don't know.

I ain't never seen nobody do nothin' like that.

Got a twitch or somethin'. No, Lynn, you fine.

You know, like when I was at Jorge's.

Shoot. You think it wasn't hard bein' the only "moniker" up in the shop?

But I stuck it out, and people warmed up...

And eventually, it was like, blam! I was doin' the damn thing.

And so will you.

Besides, you can't leave me with these crazy people.

Girl, I knew you liked them greens!

You keep eatin' like that, you gonna grow a big ol' Petey Pablo,

Lil Jon and the EastSide Boyz, Ying Yang Twin booty!

Big booty just like Ida got. You know, turnips did all o' that.

Girl, I knew you liked 'em.

- Thank you, Gina. - No problem, girl.

- I got your back. - Me, too.

All right.

- What?! - I got hungry.

- They're good. - I see.

The oppressor.

- Who? - State Board.

I'm Gina. I'm the new owner.

Well, guess what, Gina-new-owner?

You have some major problems. Inspector Crawford, State Board.

I have to cite you for the discarded equipment

you have stacked up out in the alley.

Big Mike's Moving & Hauling is picking that up today.

- They always are. - No. They real...

This is for $ . Come on, man, I just bought this place.

I can't afford to be gettin' hit with tickets like this.

You sure can't. Next one will be

.

One more after that and I shut you down.

Have a nice day.

"Have a nice day."

Now y'all comin'.

Well, your timin' is perfect. Y'all slow.

My bad. I been runnin' solo for a month,

and my boss, he think I'm some kind of slave.

Sign here.

How long was you down for?

Four months. Paroled out early.

- Possession? - Now, why you gotta assume a brother...

Illegal sale of a restricted narcotic.

So, where's the countertops and stuff?

- Everything is back there in the alley. - A'ight.

By the way, who does your hair? Your braids is tight.

Thanks. I do it myself.

Come on.

For real. I used to braid in the shop around the way.

Then I caught this little case, you know.

But even in the pen, I did braid all the homies' hair on the block.

You like drivin' that truck?

Ain't nothin' really else out there.

Well... we may take...

Dawg, how long it gon' take?

Our boy is fine.

Damn fine.

I'd do him in a heartbeat if I wasn't so damn fertile.

- And didn't have a husband. - He is cute.

Thanks.

Thanks.

You got me next, right?

I think I was here before you.

What the hell is you talkin' about? You ain't got no hair.

- What? - What's he gon' do, braid your scalp?

- You watch your... - Ladies, listen.

I promise I'll take care of both o' y'all.

- I think she was here first. - But she...

Let me just take care o' her and then I'll definitely gon' get back to you,

'cause in my mind, I'm still tryin' to figure out how I'm gonna...

But I'm telling you, somethin' just ain't right.

It's like he's too good-looking.

You can't tell by looking at the brother if he's gender-specific.

Josephine, come on! Look at the muscles on that boy.

Fifty percent pumpin' iron,

and the rest from fightin' the brothers off that booty.

He got a little swish down river.

He is beautiful, ain't he?

- Straight diamond in the rough. - All shiny.

'Scuse me. Let me see if he wants some cappuccino.

No, sh...

- Dang. - I don't know.

I think he's straight.

You are so new.

James, you want a cappuccino?

- Yeah, please. - Here you go.

- You want one? - No. I'm okay, thanks.

Cappuccino?

Swish-swish.

You better work

Work it, girl

- Cover girl. - Do your thing!

- Shante, shante. - On the runway!

- Work, cover gir... - Get that phone.

It's a great day for a press and curl here at Gin...

Hold on.

It's a Darnelle.

What up, D?

You where?

How does a grown-ass woman get herself into this kind of trouble?

How was I supposed to know the bike was stolen?

It don't matter.

You gonna have to start makin' some better choices with these men.

This is the last time I'm bailin' you out.

Next time, I'ma let your little butt sit there

and let the chicks from "C" Block pass you around for a carton o' cigarettes.

They'll love a little freak like you.

- You gonna tell my mom about this? - No, I ain't gonna tell your mama.

I should.

- Look... - Why raise her blood pressure?

Thank you, okay? Thank you. Look, I'm sorry and I'll pay you back.

- With what, D? You ain't even workin'. - I know that.

But, look, I'll find a way. I promise.

That's for sure. Ain't no secret I'm gettin' my money back.

I'ma get my money one way or another.

Cappuccino?

Cappuccino? Water?

There you go.

Say it like you mean it.

No, scratch that. Like you love it.

- You want a cappuccino? - No, baby.

I don't eat or drink nothing I can't spell.

You must be like the spellin' bee champ.

Don't look like your mouth is shy to a fork at all.

Y'all hold it down. I'm goin' to make a bank run.

Say now, lover.

Lookin' like a piece o' red velvet cake, so nice and sweet.

Is your body named Visa? 'Cause it's everywhere I wanna be.

Why don't you get some business?

I got some business. I'm shootin' footage for my music video.

If you want, you can come be in it. Come shake a little somethin'.

Let me guess, you probably want me to wear a bathing suit

or some tight booty shorts with a fishnet halter top, right?

You ain't gotta wear no fishnet. You could just wear a T-shirt.

Just as long as you don't mind gettin' it wet.

- What's that you're listenin' to? - Bach.

Are you listenin' to Pac, too? That's what I listen to.

Bach... as in Johann Sebastian. Classical composer.

He the one look like the old dude on the oatmeal box, right?

Yeah. That's the one.

Why you listen to that boring stuff?

It's not boring. It's art.

Dang. Well, you got yo' art...

...and I got mine.

Now that's a money shot right there.

Let's hat up, ya'll.

Cracker Barrel "bring-a-friend" gon' be over!

I'm drivin'. Y'all gon' be too full to walk back.

Is that a purse?

Nah. It's a man bag.

A man bag?

Yeah, a man bag.

It's like the hottest new accessory in men's fashion.

You got some man lipstick in that bag, James?

They done took metrosexual too far.

- Darnelle, you wanna come? - I gotta stay and watch Vanessa.

Lynn, you comin'?

No, I'ma hang out. I'll be fine.

A'ight. I'ma bring you back somethin' anyway.

Them girls don't like me so much, do they?

They don't even know you.

How do you get to know someone without trying to get to know someone?

Like askin' 'em to lunch?

I mean, well, some folks just feel comfortable

kickin' it with people they have somethin' in common with.

That's just racial profilin'. That's all that is.

When I worked in my mama's shop in Blue Ridge,

I did black, white, polka-dotted hair.

It don't matter.

Well, this ain't your mama's shop in Blue Ridge.

This is the SWATS, the ghetto.

And you need to show people that you tryin' to fit in, girl.

I mean, look the part.

I'm not followin'.

Okay, Lynn, look, it is all about the visual, okay?

You could be the best hair stylist up in here,

but can't nobody tell by lookin' at you!

Girl, presentation... is the key.

Presentation? What do you suggest?

Just wait and see.

Just trust me.

Miss Gina! I've been seein'

everything you have been doin' around here with the beauty shop,

and the shop is fabulous, honey!

- Thank you, hon. - But if you wanna let these divas have it,

you need one of my handbags for the runway,

because it's spring, and you don't want to be caught in suede.

- That is cute. - Yes, Miss Thing, honey.

And the pink, you gotta have your pink.

It's spring, girl. Push, push, fierce! It's fierce!

You always gettin' me started out here.

- Come on, now, Chris. - Girl, honey.

- Better work it. - I'm gonna work it, girl.

- I'll catch you. - I'll catch you.

- Now, push, baby. - Push, diva, and catch it, honey.

I know that's right! I done talked to you about slammin' in front of my shop!

...if you're gonna let these girls have it, diva!

Oh, my God.

Hi, Gina!

You like it? Isn't it cute?

And don't look over here, honey. Darnelle did that.

- It look good, right? - It sure do.

- Right? - Right.

I just said, "When in Rome..."

Don't shake that baby loose.

Oh, Lord. Don't do that or we gon' get indecency charges up in here.

See. I'm not one of these so-called salad-chompin' sistahs

that weighs pourds with a wet T-shirt on.

I got hips, thighs and don't discriminate against pies, you feel me?

But. Ladies. Y'all with this gettin' your stomach stapled just to lose weight?

That ain't good.

Y'all know damn well that ain't no staples in the stomach gonna stop you

from poppin' one o' yo' mama's famous biscuits in the mouth.

Am I in line?

Hotlanta. You know Helen's keepin' it real with you.

Holler back at me. I'll holler.

Holler!

Be quiet, y'all. Oprah's on.

- Where you think you goin'? - I will be right back, okay?

I'll be right back.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Gimme some of that thug love. - Thank you for comin' to see me.

What's happenin' with ya? How ya livin'?

Oh, man!

I got in some trouble, and Gina loaned me this money,

so she got me workin' it off in her salon.

They got you twisted, huh?

Come on, get with the money train and let's ride.

Money train?

- I got a plan for you, Shorty. - Oh, hell, yeah.

They'll be a'ight.

- Can we go shopping? - I hear that.

I got somethin' for you, too.

Word for today is "chutzpah." It is... if you don't... do you know that word?

- Who keeps unplugging this? - It is a Yiddish word that means...

Amazing grace

Shut up, Josephine!

Dang! Are y'all havin' a slumber party? Y'all didn't invite me?

- Willie, now is not the time! - A'ight then.

Hey, but I just came by here to tell ya

that I saw that inspector dude over there at the barber shop.

Damn! Like I need somethin' else to be worried about.

Look, just hold him off, okay? I'll be right back.

- I got that, Miss Gina. - Go on over there with Auntie Lynn.

Go on, go on, get... come up outta here. Go ahead.

Come on, please be home, Joe. I can't believe this.

Excuse me, sir, you wanna buy some candy bars?

- No, thank you.

- I got Kit Kat, Mars, Snickers.

Come on, kid, not tonight.

Please let his sarcastic ass be here.

Please be there, please be there, please be there.

I need your help.

Okay, let me grab a shirt.

I got... I got cherry, apple.

Okay, well, how 'bout you buy some candy, right?

And I don't tell the fellas right here that you got a Rolex in that briefcase.

I don't have a...

All right. You say you got Blow Pops?

- Blow Pops. - Every flavor, dawg.

- Okay, I'll have a cherry. - Five dollars. Okay, yeah.

- You kinda broke. - All right.

All right, Joe!

Oh, my God! Thank you, Joe. You saved me.

The generator is only going to hold for a while.

You need to get this place fixed.

I will.

- I just... I have to find the money to do it. - You'll pay me later.

I'll help you out.

Bye, ladies.

Bye, Joe.

Miss Norris.

What, are we the only shop in Atlanta you like to harass?

When Miss Angeline owned this place, I ain't never seen y'all up in here.

I'm just doing my job.

All right, look, the generator is just temporary,

but I have an electrician, he's coming on Monday,

he's gonna rewire the whole place for me.

It's all very nice, very nice, but there's a new state regulation

that says all hairdryers of this capacity

have to have their own independent wall plug.

This is a new regulation.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to know about it?

I just told you. That's how.

I just told you. That's how.

Get up to speed, Miss Norris. One more of those... closed for good.

Ladies.

A thousand dollars?!

I mean, it's like I take two steps forward to get knocked three steps back.

Can you go down to the bank and ask 'em to increase your loan?

Ask for a increase? I'm barely keepin' up with the payments I got now.

I mean, somethin' gotta turn around for this thing,

otherwise, it ain't lookin' too good for the shop.

No, Gina. Now, we can do somethin'.

I got a little bit stored away. We can have a garage sale.

I mean, how much do we need?

Oh, shit! Excuse me, Lord.

We need Jesus.

Hey, y'all.

In before dawn. Good night, Gina.

- Gina, did you tell her?

- No, I ain't tell her.

I swear Mama stay mad at me.

I wonder why.

What happened to "I'll be right back"?

My bad, Gina.

Glen just came down from New York, and I hadn't seen him.

Girl, he has his own record label,

and he wants me to be on his next album.

You can't even sing.

A'ight. Look at this.

What's this?

That's the bail money that I owe you.

Glen gave me some cash, so now we even.

I don't have to work in the shop no more.

What'd you do to get that money?

Now, Gina, come on, please!

You know I don't get down like that, okay?

But, look, if a dude wanna pay my bills, I'm gonna let him pay my bills.

You know what? Shut up, Darnelle, 'cause you sound real stupid right now.

Okay? You just lazy. You lazy and you wastin' your life.

And you wastin' my time!

Why don't you use your little money to go buy a clue?

Stacy, I don't understand.

Joanne Marcus was supposed to be here at

: .

And this is not a coffee shop. If you want to eat, you eat in the back.

Doughnuts!

You killin' me, D. Come on, now.

If you change your mind and you don't want any, they'll be in the back.

And I'll even restock the shelves while I'm at it.

Joanne Marcus! Terri, where'd you find her?

Look at you!

Oh, why not? Everyone else is.

You grew.

Yes, I did.

Eight thousand a pop. Had my nipples done, too.

You wanna feel them?

Maybe later.

I ran into Joanne down at Saks and told her

how wonderful your new place was and dragged her down to see you.

And not a moment too soon. Girl, what you doin' with that hair?

I know. My hair misses you, Gina.

Well, your timin' is good. My chair is open.

Girl! I got the same purse.

Did you get yours from Bernard at the Piggly Wiggly in Decatur?

Piggly Wiggly?

Yeah. He sells thongs, too.

He works here?

That he does.

Gina, is that monkey-fish cat-bread lady gonna be here today?

Bitch.

So, if you had to take a wild guess, how many grams of fat

would you say are in a plate of your greens?

Baby, my greens is all fat.

Matter of fact, I found every fat you could find to put in my greens.

I got fatback, salt pork, Vienna sausage, ham slices,

pork chop, pork rinds, and I got bacon bits in these greens.

- Talk dirty to me! - That's right.

Say it with me. "Fat is good."

- Fat is good. - That's right. Sho nuff is!

- You should cater. - Baby, franchise. Think big.

Please tell me you have some of that magic potion hair stuff for me.

You know I do.

Some o' your magic what-what?

It's not no magic.

It's just some conditioner that I mix up in my kitchen. What?

Mix up in yo' kitchen? What is it? Hair crack?

The stuff is great.

They should be sellin' it in stores!

They should. They really should.

Gina, I know a few corporate vendors on the beauty supply side.

They're always lookin' for the next big thing.

Well, hey, you know I wanna be the next big thing.

Well, float me a few bottles, I'll see what I can do.

Girl, I will float you a damn case.

Why you holdin' out, Gina? Hook us up with some o' your hair crack.

It is not hair crack. It's conditioner.

Yeah, Gina, hook us up!

Either you got a bee sting of the breasts

or you got some serious work done to your bosom area.

I sure did and I love 'em.

Well, for $ a pop, you better love 'em.

Hold up, Heidi.

You paid American dollars... per titty?

Yes, I did.

Girl, you coulda bought yourself a Saturn with that.

Now, you see all this right here, all this ludicrousness goin' on here?

Okay, this implant, plastic surgery stuff? It's more of a white girl thing.

No, Chanel. Black girls get it done, too.

I'm not sayin' we don't.

I'm just sayin', you know, we don't get all crazy like y'all do.

You know, injecting your asses in your lips is just nasty.

Girl, who you tellin'?

Now, I may get a couple o' unruly back or chest hairs plucked,

other than that, I just be chillin'. I don't...

What?

So, what I'm saying is, you know, some folks, you know,

have to pay to look good, while other are just born that way.

It's the Motherland, baby.

Well, which way were you born, ass-backwards?

Because statements like that just personifies your ignorance

as it pertains to the topic of beauty.

Excuse me? I know Botox Barbie isn't tryin' to call me ignorant.

- I heard her say "your mama." - Hey, calm down, hussies.

This ain't no remake o' "Black Mama, White Mama"!

I throw the peace card on ya.

Thank you, Miss Josephine.

Come on, let's go get this hair done. So you need to shampoo...

Does he ever leave that apartment?

That piano playin' is gettin' on my nerves.

Which is why you haven't patched up the ceiling yet.

Excuse you. I've been busy, "mademoiselle."

Why don't you get your things together so I can take you to church to practice?

Have you decided what you wanna play for your recital yet?

Shoot.

I was just... checkin' out your big... spear.

Sorry.

Would you like to join us?

Can you show me the intervals again?

Well, each chord progression is three steps apart.

See? That's why he called it "Giant Steps."

You won't hear anybody playin' this at my recital.

- So what are you gonna play? - I don't know.

- I'm all confused. - What are you confused about?

Listen to your heart...

...and your fingers will follow.

So. This next song goes out to all the finger-in-your-face.

Callin'-me-out-my-name heifers.

You can get all up in my face if you want to.

But don't get it twisted. Baby.

'Cause guess what?

Well, I'll take your man right out the box

And put him under my padlocks

So when you see us together chillin' in the place

Cold walkin' and sportin' him in your face

Go ahead, roll your eyes, suck your teeth

Keep huffin' and puffin' like a dog in heat

You know whassup I ain't no poo-putt

'Cause Pepa kicks butt off young bucks like you

And the rest of your crew

If moms want static I'll diss her, too

So scram, you know who I am

Damn, chick, don't play me close

'Cause I'll take your m...

You know, I was just...

Takin' someone's man?

I'll take your man

So I'm not playin' any Beethoven or Mozart.

Too overdone. I'm thinkin' Coltrane or Monk.

Too overdone. I'm thinkin' Coltrane or Monk.

Then again, some Miles or Stevie Wonder. Maybe some...

Girl, go and play with your little friend, please.

Clown.

Yo, whassup, V?

- Still shootin' behinds, huh? - Yup.

The booty is the cornerstone of all hip-hop videos today.

If it ain't shakin', it ain't sellin'.

Whatever.

Are you down for some Krispy Kreme? I got the hook-up.

My play cousin, Howard, works over there.

He got shrimp doughnuts. He got buffalo doughnuts...

He got... big booty doughnuts.

No, you didn't.

I don't eat doughnuts with boys who exploit women.

Well, how about a burger, then?

I don't want any of your shrimp burgers or your buffalo burgers.

So, you and your two play cousins can get to steppin'!

See, that's why I like older women.

There's one o' your men.

- I'll be right back. - That's what you always say.

I don't know if she's a ho or not.

I ain't gon' say nothin' 'cause that's Gina's sister-in-law.

Hey, baby.

- Are you happy to see me? - Hey, baby.

- You're so sweet. - Thank you.

This is how sweet you are.

Oh, my good... ls that for me? Oh, baby.

You and only... you.

So here's the plan. Let's get outta here.

Go get a drink, listen to some music, just chill out for the rest of the day.

- How's that sound? - Baby, it sounds so good.

I wish I could, but I gotta work.

Baby, don't work the whole day away. I'll bring you back.

I know, but you know what? I've really gotta work, 'cause Gin...

I'm tryin' to get close to you.

Gina needs me, okay, baby? Thank you.

I don't give a damn about no Gina!

Don't you ever grab me up like that!

You know how much money I just spent on you?

- What the hell? - Gina, you all right?

What's this goin' on?

Shut your rantin' ass and get in my car, you hear me?

- Hell, no! - D, you all right?

I know I just didn't see you put yo' hands on that girl.

Take your ass back in there, do some heads.

Don't be tellin' me where to take my ass.

You take your ass from the front of my shop!

- Bitch, get out of my f... - Bitch?

I will burn yo' ass with this damn curlin' iron.

- Careful with that. - You're crazy, you fake-ass Avon!

But you need to keep your hands to yourself.

- I'll be back. - Don't try to call me some type of bi...

- What you? What you? - What?

When you gonna do some hair? What you?

- I'll burn yo' ass. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- We got a problem here? - No, we ain't got no problem here, man.

What you, the mascot of the shop?

Take yo' foo-foo ass back in there.

Go braid your eyebrows or somethin', dawgs.

Check this out, dude.

Did you see that?

I hate violence.

See? That's what you get.

You come here talkin' all that stuff and you got knocked out!

See, that's why you need to learn how to respect women.

Now, see, Willie got it all on camera and he sell 'em in the hood for . !

Well, I'll be damned!

I'm gonna get him.

Remember me?

Oh, ja. The shampooing girl.

So, how goes it with the shampooing? Good?

The name is Lynn, and I'm a stylist now, for your F.Y.I.

So?

So... yup.

Well, well, well, you must be lost or somethin'.

Did you make a wrong turn in your BMW?

No, actually, I took the "Yaguar," and it's good to see you, too, Gina.

He's in the "Yaguar."

Sorry, I thought you were in the Beamer.

Anyway, what do you want?

Gina, I am Jorge.

I want for nothing. I just came by to see the shop.

I was curious about the place that's been stealing all of my best clients.

Now I see why. It's very trendy.

Very SoHo-loftish. I love it.

I guess I'm not doin' too bad, you know,

'specially for a woman who should be fallin' flat on her ass.

Ja. Well... about that,

you know, Gina, I want you to know I'm truly sorry for my words.

I was speaking from that angry place,

and I do not wish to reside there anymore.

I mean, I wish no ill will upon you or your shop or your peeps.

I mean, girlfriend, you are doing it, ja?

Right?

It can't be easy, what with the overhead and the paying of the fine

and the State Board coming by at the worst times,

'cause believe me, baby, I've been there and back to the other place.

And your point?

I just wanted to come by to say that, you know,

if you ever need anything, anything at all, lean on me.

When you're not strong, I will be there, you know?

I mean, I am Jorge, and there will always be

an open chair at Jorge's for Gina, ja?

Well, thanks, Jorge. That means a lot comin' from you.

But I don't think I'm gonna be needin' that.

Okay, well, fair enough. Ciao. Wiederseher.

Congratulations on the twins, but I see that they are not identical.

- What the hell did he want? - He came over to hate.

He's just jealous.

- Who was that? - That was the infamous Jorge.

Got some nice shoes, though.

You got some issues.

- Gina, who's your girl? - You are.

Yes. And who, when asked to make something happen,

is making something happen?

- You again? - Correct.

And who was it that talked up your conditioner

to the head of marketing for CoverGirl's line of boutique products?

And why do they want to meet with you?

- Don't play with me. I can't take it. - I'm serious.

They wanna meet with you, fly you to New York, talk some business.

They wanna fly me to New York? Me?!

Oh, my God!

- What? - Thank you, Joanne!

- What's up? - Oh, my God! Thank you!

Oh, my God!

CoverGirl. "CoverGirl" is interested in my conditioner.

I can't believe it!

- You talkin' about that hair crack? - Yes, I'm talkin' about the ha...

They can call it whatever they want, as long as they sell it.

You hear me? I feel like I just won the lottery.

That's great, it's brilliant.

Why don't you feel like takin' us out to celebrate?

- Oh, yeah, man. - I think I can do that.

We got to toast on this somewhere.

I can't drink, but I sure can eat Cosmopolitan cheesecake!

Tonight we goin' out and we celebratin'. We are gettin' it on, we gettin' tipsy...

Go on. Go sit your butt down.

We goin' out tonight! We partyin'! Joanne, please.

- Hey, Joe. - Hey, little one.

Guess what? CoverGirl might buy my mom's conditioner.

So her and the girls are goin' out tonight to celebrate.

Thought maybe you'd wanna come and meet them there?

I'm not sure she wants me there.

But tell your mom I said congratulations. That's great news.

- Talk to you later. - Keep practicing.

Hey, baby.

- Look at that girl over there. - For real.

Girl, if I wasn't married, pregnant, and my feet didn't hurt,

I'd get with one

of these little chocolate kisses.

Yup. I can definitely see why they call it Happy Hour!

Please, honey, Happy Hour ended a long time ago.

- It is Get Crunked Hour, okay? - All right.

Okay, ladies... and James,

I just want to say thank you so much for hangin' in there with me, y'all.

You thought you wanted a Jorge's,

but you belong right here in the 'hood with us.

- A'ight? - Right. You ain't lyin'.

I ain't gonna front. When I met y'all at Miss Angeline's that mornin',

I thought I was in for the worst.

- What? - And that's what I got.

Until them two birds left the shop, and then I had the best!

All right, we'll toast to that.

Ah, yes, yes, I do.

To Gina. Sistah, you are an inspiration.

"Whether it's the arch o' your back or the sun o' your smile,

"the ride o' your breasts or the grace o' your style.

"You are and always will be a woman phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman!" That's you.

Yes, it is.

Congratulations, Gina. Would you like to dance?

What are you doing here?

Asking you to dance.

Now, please, say yes so it can look like I have a little bit of game.

- Okay. - Oh, my God, girl!

- I wanna get tribal with y'all. - That was like .

Okay, hand me the scissor.

So, Lynn...

You wanna move a little somethin'?

Move what?

He askin' you to dance, crazy girl.

I thought he wanted me to move some chairs or somethin'!

- Sure. - All right, go have fun.

- Go ahead. - Go on, now.

Her gonna need some scissor, for real.

Did you see that? Did you see that?

All these beautiful black girls and he goes straight for the white girl.

I'm tellin' you, MTV is the devil.

Girl, what is wrong with you? Okay, who gives a damn?

The boy is gayer than Peter Pan on a pair o' ice skates.

Okay, you know what?

- She dropped it like it's hot! - Oh, damn!

- I think we're bein' outdone. - What? You think?

- What?! - James is gay, all right.

He happier than hell!

- Girls... - Yeah, let's go.

- I see somethin' I need. Come on, now. - I'ma show her how you really do that.

Come on.

This goes out to my girl Gina.

Some old school Chicago steppin' music. Girl.

- That's my song. - Come on.

Is this your family?

My happily married sister and her two kids.

They live in France.

Well, what about a wife and kids?

That never happen for you?

Many things never happened for me.

And many things have.

I don't think I'm really...

You just played the most beautiful chord ever.

- Pass the ball! - Oh, really?

Come on, man, pass the ball!

Gotta make sure you arrive safely.

Oh, my goodness. That's it.

A case of my future is on its way to CoverGirl.

Okay, now, listen. If they call you and they need some more...

No, Gina. This is more than enough.

- Let's not get frantic, okay? - Okay.

Come on, stop doin' that.

Could you carry this to my car for me? It's just outside.

- Yeah, I'll take it. - Thanks.

Firm.

Excuse me, Joanne.

Would you mind not doing that anymore?

Doing what?

You know, the whole smacking-on-the-butt thing.

James and I are kinda, you know, hanging out now.

I didn't know you guys were...

Yes, we are.

So, you understand.

Yeah, I understand...

...that you're afraid of a little competition.

What's the matter, Lynn? You afraid James might grow tired

of your wannabe-black girl routine and fall for somethin' real, like me?

Real?

Since when are two air bags for breasts real, Joanne?

Maybe on my daddy's Chevy they's real,

but on you, they's just... ridiculous.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Yeah, but I think I shouldn't have.

Yeah, but you did.

And I think what my girl is sayin' is that she wants you

and your tetherball titties to leave her man alone, all right?

Okay, Little Miss Hip-Hop, I think I was speaking to Lynn.

White girl gone crazy.

What did you say to me? Little Miss Hip-Hop?

- I will hip-hop my foot up... - She threatened me.

- Did you hear that, Gina? - Yeah, I heard all y'all.

I'm the client. She should be fired. Right now!

Joanne, calm down. You know how we clown around here.

Now, look, y'all are grown women. Y'all can work this out.

So you're not gonna fire her?

No.

Okay, fine. Yeah.

I see how things work around here.

You know what? You can forget about your meeting with CoverGirl.

And you can forget about me as a client.

How's that?

- Fine. - I'm so sorry, Gina.

No. Ain't nothin' to be sorry about.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

What's going on?

There's a problem at the shop.

I still have men checking the area. I'll let you know if we find something.

Thanks.

You try doin' your own thing, and then somethin' like this happens.

Sorry, Gina. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I can't catch a break. I just...

I have Vanessa's recital tomorrow,

and I have to go up in there with all o' this on my brain.

It's okay, Gina. You'll get through this.

- You'll get through this. - I wish that was true, Joe.

You will.

It's okay.

No. I can't... I can't fix this one. I can't.

And now, coming to the stage for a piano solo... Vanessa Norris.

Play from your heart.

Go, baby. That's my baby girl.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- I love you, Mom. - I love you, too.

That's my baby! That's my baby!

Mom, how'd I do?

You were everything I ever imagined.

Mom... you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I'm just happy.

Come here.

Fly me some fingers, girl.

Let's get outta here.

Surprise!

What? What... what the...

Y'all, I don't know what to say. This is...

This is crazy.

No. This is Gina's House of...

House of... Okay, maybe it's just Gina's House, okay?

Check that out. Oh, yeah!

D, that's what I'm talkin' about, girl!

Oh, man, y'all...

This is nice.

It is.

But I don't think we can do this.

Why not?

We brought blow dryers and curlin' irons and hot c...

A new picture of Madam C.J. Walker.

- Money. Did you bring any o' that? - The point is, Gina, we're here.

The shop's here! We're with you.

Lord! It is hotter than a jalapeno's coochie out there!

Thank God y'all open.

Child, I done been to five shops in four blocks and all them bitches is booked.

And I got a weddin' to get to in three hours!

Lord, please, can somebody do me? Please?

Anybody, please.

Yeah, sure. I'll hook you up, girl.

Let me see what we workin' with under this hat.

- Damn! - Oh, my God!

- Hear me, Lord! - God!

I'm havin' some Don King issues, damn it.

- Just one o' you heifers do me, please! - Okay, okay.

You know what? I can work with this.

- Don't even worry about it. - Thank you.

Darnelle, get her shampooed and use a bottle of my conditioner.

No! Make that two bottles.

And... James, get that percolator percolatin', baby.

We back in business! Shoot!

And, everybody else...

Thank you.

- Gina, we love you. - Thank you, thank you.

That's right, girl, we open for business.

- What happened here? - Good morning.

Hey, well, put it like this. Not enough to make us quit.

- How you doin', girl? - Fine.

I'm terrific, actually, now that Steven and I split up.

- You all right? - Yeah. I'm fine.

Hell, y'all all knew he was cheatin' on me. Now I know and now I'm free.

Well, good for you. Hey, Ida, why don't you hook Terri up?

- Oh, good. Hi. - Come on, girl.

You want me to sic my cousin Travis on him?

He just got out the pen, but he don't mind goin' back early.

- I just might take you up on that. - All right, come on, sit down.

Oh, shoot! Look what the collard greens did to her booty!

- Go girl! - Back that thing up, girl!

Where'd you get that?

That is a ass, Terri. You have a ass, girl!

- Hi, Gina. - Hi, honey.

- For me? - Something to brighten your day?

Thank you.

But you brightened my day as soon as you came through that door.

- Excuse me. - What a transformation.

Yeah. They hooked me up.

Looks like you're stickin' around, Miss Norris.

- Yeah, I guess I am, huh? - Yes.

No, it ain't goin' down like that. How you doin', Miss Gina?

- Hey, Willie. What's up wit' you? - I'm a'ight.

What, you feelin' froggy? Jump!

What is this?

Stacy? Yeah. Hi, baby. How ya doin'? This is me.

No, I'm just closing up, so I'll meet you at the spa, ja?

I call you back.

- What a... - Surprise.

I bet you I'm the last person on earth you expected to see in here, huh?

No. In fact, I knew you would be back.

Well, I'm afraid I don't have time for such a sudden intrusion.

I have a prior engagement.

Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. What kind o' engagement?

What, you goin' to meet up with Inspector Crawford

and figure out how you can burn my place down this time?

Gina, I just love it when you let that imagination of yours run wild.

It's so street.

You haven't even begun to see the street.

You know, I knew you had somethin' to do with it.

You know, comin' by my salon, talkin' 'bout how hard it is to own a business,

what with the payin' o' fines and the State Board comin' by.

And I asked myself, "Why would he say somethin' like that?"

Look at me. Look to Jorge.

Do I seem like the type of person

that would reside in such deviant behavior, huh?

With those split ends? Yeah, you kinda do.

- What is this? - That is "World's Dumbest Criminals."

Starrin' you and Inspector Crawford.

You should be a little more secretive about the way you do dirt.

So... George Christie...

...of Austria, via Nebraska.

Yeah, I know about you. I know your secret.

The point is this.

You didn't break me. I'm still standin'.

And my shop is open and doin' very good business.

And you will never, ever intimidate me,

'cause I'm a phenomenal woman.

Kinda like what you try to be but don't really pull off.

Have a nice ride back to that rib shack you call a shop!

Don't cut yourself on the broken glass, bitch!

Did somebody say "Cut"?

What? Was ist das? What?!

- Sit up, man. - No! No! Shit!

Hotlarta! Whassup?

Once again, it's your girl Helen,

hollerin' at ya this mornin'. Tellin' ya to get your ass up.

'Cause it is a lovely day.

It's good, right? It always is.

Gina, telephone.

Hello. Gina Norris.

- Hey. Gira. It's hollerin' Helen. - Shut up.

You lyin'. Turn the radio up, turn it up.

Gina. Y'all doin' the damn thing down there!

I'm on the radio! I'm on the radio!

Ask her if she'd give a shout out to my kid, Venus Serena Marion Jones, Junior!

Shout out to Africa!

Gina, I just called to say thanks again

for hookin' my head up for my cousin Shondrella's weddin' a couple o' days ago.

Girl, you saved my life!

That hair crack corditiorer of yours

got me lookin' all Halle Berry-ish and thangs.

- Don King? That was you? - Sure was.

And I'ma need me a touch-up in a minute.

My man came over last right and kinda sweated out my flip!

Now, see, that's what got you in trouble the last time.

Hotlanta, if you want to get your crop dusted,

your do did, or your flip whipped,

jump yo' butt in the hoopty,

get on down to Gina's Hair Salon in the SWATS

and let 'em hook you up with some of Gina's famous hair crack conditioner.

Now, since y'all my peeps,

I'ma let you ladies in the shop pick Helen's topic for the day.

Holler at me, ladies.

I'll holler!

Talk about how come there's never a black man as The Bachelor. Okay?

The revolution needs to be televised.

You know what? I think you should talk about people who name their kids

names that they ain't never gon' live up to,

like a Porsche that look like a Buick

and a Mercedes that look like a doggone Pinto!

Talk about these athletes goin' to jail these days.

They spend more time in the court than on the court.

Keep this up, halftime gon' be a plea bargain.

No, talk about interracial love.

You know you black.

No, let's talk about legalizin' marijuana, 'cause my glaucoma's gettin' bad now.

Talk about how if you have sex with a man,

he put you out before he give you breakfast.

After some good lovin', I like to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs for damn sho'!

W atch t, y'all

Big ups to you, Gina. I'll be callin' you in a minute for a touch-up.

Y'all keep holdin' it down. I'll holler. Holler! Special help by SergeiK ######### Hitch Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally, the Hitch script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Will Smith, Eva Mendes, and Kevin James This script is a transc ript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Hitch. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be e ternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a lin e. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Hitch Script

Basic principles:

No woman wakes up saying:

"God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today."

Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me."

Or something like, "I just need some space."

Or my personal favorite:

"I'm really into my career right now."

You believe that? Neither does she.

You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why.

You understand me? Lying.

It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space.

She may be into her career...

but what she's really saying is, "Get away from me now."

Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid."

Well, which one is it?

% of all human communication is nonverbal.

Body language.

% is your tone.

So that means that % of what you're saying...

ain't coming out of your mouth.

Toby!

Shit!

Of course she'll lie to you.

She's a nice person, she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings.

What else is she gonna say? She doesn't even know you.

Yet.

Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us...

even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it.

And that's where I come in.

My job is to open her eyes.

Oh, my God!

Is this what you're looking for?

Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who...

any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet.

Just needs the right broom.

You cannot use what you do not have.

So if you're shy, be shy. If you're outgoing, be outgoing.

- I'm not outgoing. - That's okay.

She may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you.

She may not want to see it all at once, but she does want to see it.

So tonight, when you're wondering what to say, how you look, or if she likes you...

just remember, she is already out with you.

That means she said yes when she could have said no.

That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off.

So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you.

It is your job not to mess it up.

The shoes are hot. You went to the place I told you?

Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.

"You" is a very fluid concept right now.

You bought the shoes. You look great in the shoes.

That's the you I'm talking about.

The key tonight is hang back.

Give her plenty of space.

If she lingers at a photograph, move on.

But maintain the visual.

It's supposed to be and clear tonight. So when you leave the club, walk a little.

Ask her what she thought about the show...

what was her favorite photograph, why that one.

And when she answers, don't be looking at her mouth.

Don't be wondering what she looks like naked.

Listen to what she is saying and respond.

Listen and respond.

That way, when it's your turn to talk...

you'll have something better to say than, "I like your mouth."

What was your favorite one?

The elephant, definitely.

And all of a sudden, we're on date number two.

Ready.

No way.

We're going back in there. You have to smile.

In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing.

So how does it happen, great love?

Are you okay?

- Nobody knows. - I'm good.

Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady.

But what I can tell you, is that it happens in the blink of an eye.

One moment, you're enjoying your life.

And the next, you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Three dates is all I need.

Three dates, and I'll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round...

where eight out of women believe that the first kiss...

will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.

After that, you're on your own.

But always remember...

life is not the amount of breaths you take.

It's the moments that take your breath away.

Did I call it or did I call it?

I mean, what did I say, six months?

And when was her first date?

So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I'm right.

What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks...

even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?

She's only the most fabulous thing walking around New York.

Thanks, Young.

Are you kidding? Of course I'm gonna run it.

Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat?

Even if he is gorgeous.

If he's stupid enough to cheat...

the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught.

Exactly. I'm in the elevator. See you in a minute.

Good morning, how are you?

Bitter, party of one.

You should try it sometime.

Barbados by myself? I wouldn't last five minutes.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

I slept in, I did my yoga, I read a couple of books...

flirted with my scuba instructor.

- And apparently never left the office. - I know, isn't that great?

You should've taken someone with you.

Who am I gonna take with me?

This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.

- I don't have time for a boyfriend. - You said that two years ago.

Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.

I thought you were on vacation.

See if these are in focus and have them in my desk in an hour.

Besides, relationships are for people waiting for something better to come along.

Spoken like a true cynic.

I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.

You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

What are you doing here? What is she doing here?

She works here, remember?

No, she doesn't. Not for another four days.

- This couldn't wait. - It could.

What are you doing? Go back to the beach.

- I don't want you here. - No, really, you do.

You are becoming a sick, workaholic lunatic...

and this is exactly...

the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior that leads to...

Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

A very big raise.

Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.

Comes with the job.

You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it.

Can I help he was cheating on my beach?

I think it's great that you're so good at your job.

I'm just a little worried as to why.

Let me worry about that.

Okay. I want that column on my desk by lunch.

So you'll pay for my hotel?

For you to sip mai tais? I don't think so. Get out.

- Come on. - What?

- That's good, right? - No.

No, it was in and it freaked out.

You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game.

You pick your shots based on what you see first...

not what's necessarily best for you...

in the long run.

All of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby.

You know, I'm very happy for you.

Just not meant for everybody.

So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...

totally varied, wildly experimental short game.

- I was talking about pool, but whatever. - Yeah, okay.

Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience...

the unconditional love, trust, and openness...

that I share with Grace every single day.

- Is this really barroom talk? - You need to listen to me. I'm serious.

Because when you get to a place with a woman like that...

it's so beyond anything physical that...

when I think back to when I used to run around with you...

and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women...

I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.

Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic.

So, how'd you meet him?

I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs.

- And he was doing likewise? - No.

Actually, he said he was buying something for his mom.

His mom?

Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?

Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.

Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.

- I prefer the mother story. - I know you do, but that's not the point.

No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar.

- Why not? - Because that's how you wind up...

Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?

No. I was gonna say, "Like you."

- What's his name? - Why?

- I'm gonna Google him. - No. Google your own guy.

Let's just see if his mother's still alive.

- So when is Grace due again? - Soon.

- You excited? - What'd you say?

Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here?

No, don't do that.

Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them because you can't go home with them?

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

- Have you heard of the Date Doctor? - Urban myth.

- Really? - Absolutely.

I was hoping he also helped women.

Casey, you're not sick. You're single.

You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.

I haven't been ridden in months.

On that happy note, I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight.

- You mean, besides me. - Right.

Bye.

I'll go get those girls, bring them over here...

and we'll have a conversation like human beings.

Then you're gonna home, and I'll take them back to my apartment.

Well, that sounds like fun for me. But you might want to get in line, pal.

- Hey, girl. - Hey, how are you?

Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas at the pool table, please? Thanks.

Excuse me.

Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.

Hey, asshole, I don't work here.

I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.

Just don't let it happen again.

- I knew you didn't work here. - You did?

How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys?

Why would you want to do that?

Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex.

They like women, women like them. Everything flows naturally.

Back in college, I was just not one of them.

I seemed to lack the basic understanding...

that my peers just intuitively grasped.

But like any late bloomer, I was eager to make up for lost time.

Her name was Cressida Baylor.

Can you tell me where the registration building is?

And my life would never be the same.

- I'm Alex. - Cressida.

What we had was beautiful.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you, too, Alex.

I know you don't love me as much as I love you.

But that's okay. I'm just glad you love me at all.

In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong.

But the experience taught me a lot.

Cressida!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Alex.

But I love you. What did I do wrong? Just tell me what I did wrong.

You're doing it right now.

Alex, I'm sorry.

And it's an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.

Because with no guile and no game, there's no girl.

If ever a man born was without game...

it was Albert Brennaman.

My business is % referral and, thus far, untraceable.

And if there's one thing I've learned...

when you orchestrate, coordinate, and otherwise mess with fate...

it's best to fly under the radar.

I hope she's single 'cause I don't do break-ups.

Hi. Thank you for seeing me.

Yeah, no. I mean, she just got out of a relationship.

Is that a problem? Because if it is, that's fine.

I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway.

Definitely been hurt a lot. I had a lot of bad experiences.

Some good ones. But definitely a lot of bad ones.

I'm desperate, basically. I mean, not in general, you understand?

You know, not just for anybody. But, man, for her... Yeah.

Why don't you tell me about her?

Let's see, what can I say?

My company handles her finances. I'm her tax consultant.

Well, I'm one of them. I'm the junior man on the account.

- So does she know you're interested? - No.

Alive?

I lent her my pen once.

Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?

- Here, take mine. - Albert, you're crushing my arm.

Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.

Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?

Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type.

Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden or something.

And that guy was a bum.

He didn't seem like a very nice person to me.

You swing for the fence.

Look, you don't think I tried talking myself out of this?

I mean, you don't think I know how ridiculous this is? I know, okay?

I just thought that maybe with your help...

You know what? I'm really sorry I wasted your time.

Hold on a second, Albert.

You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless?

Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man?

But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness...

even if it's never gonna be with you?

You are flat-out...

out of your mind. You know that?

That's good.

It is?

You ever heard of Michelangelo?

Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Michelangelo.

Sistine Chapel.

You saying you can do this?

My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

Well, it looks like I'm still rich.

But what I would really like, and what I was wondering is...

if I could have $ to invest on my own.

And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra?

Well, it's something that I really have a passion for.

Daydreams are for private time.

When you're in the room, be in the room.

Concentrate. Focus. Women respond when you respond to them.

My friend Maggie is a talented designer.

I've seen the business plan and the samples look fantastic.

And I would really like to get involved.

I'll tell you what.

Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in...

and next month, we'll run the whole lot of them by you.

Okay.

Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.

Let's go over this one more time. What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

That was shockingly awful. What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

What is the objective?

- Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Albert?

I don't really agree with that.

You don't really agree with what?

I think if you want to invest $ in your friend's business...

that's exactly what you should do.

You don't need us to tell you what to do.

We're a board of advisers, not your kindergarten teachers.

If you want to be taken seriously as an adult...

then start taking yourself seriously as an adult...

instead of asking for permission to invest your own money...

from a boardroom full of your daddy's golf buddies.

- That's quite enough! - I'm not finished.

I'd like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity...

that she's had to deal with her whole life, with half her class.

We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole. Not the other way around.

- Sit down... - No! You know what? I quit!

Oh, my God.

Just breathe. How'd it go?

I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss! I quit my job!

- What? - You said...

- I gotta go back. - No, I didn't tell you to quit.

Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine.

- Would you let me go? - Albert, no!

Just relax! Okay?

- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me. - No!

Relax.

- It's Allegra Cole. - Answer it.

- Could I speak to you a second? - Answer the door, Albert.

Yes. Hi.

What's up?

Listen, Albert, right?

- People don't usually talk to me like that. - Close your mouth, man.

Let me rephrase that.

People never talk to me like that.

Stand up.

I guess it's kind of scary for them.

But that's why I really appreciate what you did in there.

But I was wondering...

do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week?

You know, to go over things.

Financial things.

I'd like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks.

- Check your schedule. - I'll check my schedule.

Great. Let me give you my number. Do you have a pen?

I don't think I have one.

- Yes, I do. - Great.

And call me Allegra.

- You're done. - Goodbye.

Good job.

Oh, damn.

She's some kind of newspaper columnist. Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.

What's her drink?

Usually beer. Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.

Hi.

I noticed your glass was getting low...

so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.

Thank you.

And I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

- What's your name? - They call me Chip.

You can't get them to stop?

That was funny.

Listen, I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room...

and try to generate a relationship out of thin air.

- So don't take the following personally. - You have fantastic eyes.

Thanks. Try to listen.

This is no reflection on you. I'm just not interested.

But thank you for the compliment of coming over.

You're welcome. So do you like Cuban food?

Chip, seriously, that was not code for, "I wish you'd try harder."

Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you...

Feel like a natural woman?

Sorry I'm late, honey. I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?

Well, there was a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Nice to meet you, Chip.

You, too.

On the one hand, it is very difficult for a man...

to even speak to someone who looks like you.

But on the other hand, should that be your problem?

So life's kind of hard all around.

Not if you pay attention.

You're sending all the right signals:

no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back...

wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini...

which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it.

If that wasn't clear enough...

there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead.

Who'd believe there's a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesn't know...

and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own agenda?

I wouldn't even know what that would look like.

So what would a guy like that say?

He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant."

But she wouldn't be interested in that...

because she'd be counting the seconds until he left.

Thinking he was like every other guy.

Which, life experience has taught her, is a virtual certainty.

But then he'd ask her name and what she did for a living...

and she might blow him off.

Or she might say...

I'm Sara Melas. I run the gossip column at the Standard.

And then he'd ask all these penetrating questions about her...

because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested.

No.

- No? - He'd be interested.

But he'd see that there was no way...

he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.

Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original.

Wouldn't help.

- Don't you hate it when that happens? - Not really.

They'd both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward.

My guess is they'd do just fine.

It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left.

Is that for me?

What?

Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late.

No, not a problem.

Wow, you're the...

- Can I get you something to drink, Mr... - No, I'm fine, thank you.

So, tell me about her.

Have you ever met someone...

and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you?

Not just because of her looks, but that X factor.

How'd you meet her?

Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom.

And by that, of course, you mean...

you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody.

And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing.

But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about...

she's so sweet, funny, Southern.

She gives me her number. Now she won't return my phone calls.

I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind.

You know, food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull.

Things that used to matter...

I don't know, they just no longer do.

I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I...

Unless I bang her.

Excuse me?

You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.

I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly.

No, I was told you help guys get in there.

Right. But, see, here's the thing.

My clients actually like women.

Hit it and quit it is not my thing.

Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi. I need professional help.

Well, that is for damn certain.

And I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part.

You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about.

Power suit, power tie, power steering.

People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

So that's, like, a metaphor.

Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy.

So when I do this...

this is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off...

if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?

Got it.

No.

Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant. Somebody has to eat there.

No, somebody famous. You know that.

- Sara Melas? - No.

Okay. Bye.

I need your signature.

I hate it when a guy calls a girl who did not give him her number.

So this is me not calling. Over.

Yes, you're right. This is much less invasive.

I've been thinking about that sign on your forehead.

And I was wondering if you'd mind taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.

I can't. I have a couple of parties I have to hit.

Gossip never sleeps.

Not till about :

a.m.

Saturday.

I have a date.

Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas?

An excuse to be obnoxious?

Continuing in a course of action...

without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. Over.

Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?

Breakfast, Sunday. And you can barely even call that a date.

You do that with out-of-town relatives that you don't even like. Over.

Come on.

Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.

You forgot to say "over." Over.

This conversation's over as soon as you tell me when and where.

:

a.m., North Cove Marina. Over and out.

: a.m.? Are you crazy? I don't do : a.m.

- Hello? - Sign here.

- What? - You said Sunday, right?

Yeah.

What if I would have said Friday?

Sunday.

So I guess you're not going to church.

Do you really expect me to wear this?

lt'll be awful cold out there without it.

- Good morning. - "Good" would have been at

: .

You're a lot taller than I remember.

You ever ride one of these?

Not on the Hudson.

So, what do you wanna do? Race me around the Statue of Liberty?

If there's time.

- But you might need these. - All right.

- Bam. - Wow.

How do I look?

Fabulous.

All right, I give.

Where do I change?

So we'll go past the wall, then take a left. It's pretty much a straight shot from there.

- Straight shot to where? - That's for me to know and you to find out.

What you do with these babies is...

Yeah, what I do with this baby is kick your ass.

- What happened? You change your mind? - It just died.

Did you put gas in it?

No. You know, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or something.

Gross. Try it again.

You want me to call AAA?

Come on around and let me hop on with you.

I don't know. What if you break mine, too? Then we'll both be sitting ducks.

- I didn't break it. It just died. - Yeah, yeah.

All right, hop on.

- Scoot back. - Hitch, I'm already here.

But you don't know where we're going.

Why don't you tell me? Then we'll both know.

Man, male egos.

I don't know how you guys make it through the day with them.

What? It is not my ego.

I just don't want to ruin the surprise.

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

There. I always keep a few of those around.

Thank you.

I have lower back trouble. I just shove the ice packs right down there.

No. That's a fresh one.

So, Ellis Island.

I have to admit, I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here.

I figured that. Most people haven't.

So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour.

- Great! - Anything for Hitch.

It was originally known as Oyster Island.

The island was expanded to its present size...

with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

- Did you know this? - Yeah. That's why I brought you here.

In fact, over million Americans can trace their ancestry...

back to a single man, woman, or child on the ship's manifest...

to an inspector's ledger.

By

%% of the residents of New York...

Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston...

were immigrants, or the children of immigrants.

They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities...

in Little Italys, Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves.

It's called The Kissing Post.

The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences.

Now, what exactly would qualify as a long absence?

I mean...

- That count? - No.

I actually had a relative come through here.

- Really? - Yeah.

What?

- What? - What was that thing?

No. You know, I was just thinking...

you can't really know where you're going until you know where you've been.

- Ain't that right, Larry? - Amen, brother.

That's kind of deep for a first date, don't you think?

What is that?

Oh, my God!

That's my great-great-grandfather. That's his signature.

Jesus, it's right here!

How did you know?

Hitch did the search. I just found the page.

I'm sorry.

I saw that going differently in my mind.

So my family never saw him again. Well, except for on the Wanted posters.

Look, I'm really sorry.

When I saw it on the computer, it said, "the Butcher of Cádiz."

I thought it was a profession, not a headline.

It's just one of those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget.

But thank you.

No, it was...

- A train wreck. - No.

Let me get you a cab.

Thanks.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Taxi!

Poor guy. Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.

It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way.

I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey.

At least you got a good story out of it, right?

Right?

- You should try mine, it's great. - Wait. You're seeing him again?

Well, look, you said that I'm always expecting men...

to let me down, right? Assuming that they're gonna fail?

Which he did.

Yeah, but he did it with flair.

I mean, Case, he really tanked.

And that's a desirable trait?

Yeah. Weird, huh?

Now, just keep it simple. Just like we practiced.

We're just leaving a message.

Women like Allegra Cole don't pick up numbers they don't recognize.

Hello?

She's on the phone!

- Yes. Hello, Miss Cole? - Yeah.

Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you.

- One moment, please. - No. Tell her I'm at lunch.

We called her to tell her you're at lunch?

Allegra. Hi, it's Albert Brennaman.

Hi, how are you?

Good. I'm doing good.

The reason I'm calling is about our appointment this Wednesday.

Not gonna be able to make it.

Well, when can you make it?

When can I do it?

I don't even know, because my whole next week is slammed.

Right. But it's all good.

No, we're gonna make it happen though, that's for sure.

We're going to make it happen. Yes.

What's going on over there?

Just moving some things around.

Sky Studios.

Tonight I'm actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.

Designer friend.

I just thought it might be something your designer friend would be interested in.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, great. Then I will put you back on with my...

- Allegra, over here, please. - Miss Cole, this way.

Great. One more.

- Hi, there.

- This was a fantastic idea.

I suppose. Hey, where's Maggie?

Late as usual.

Tonight I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg.

Do you know why I want you to do that?

Because I'm cool?

- No. - I know, I'm not.

I'm saying that you are an iceberg...

in that over %% of your mass is below the surface.

I know I'm heavy. I am.

I'm talking about who you are. It's a metaphor.

Accounting, business...

all of that is just a small part of a much deeper, richer Albert.

One more.

It's gonna be loud in there...

so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier...

in a non-sleazy way.

So get to where it's loudest. Ask her if she'd like a drink.

Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back...

and say it in her ear like a secret.

Watch your hand placement. Too high says, "I just wanna be friends."

Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass."

Friends. Ass. Me.

Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity...

which means that when people talk to her, they'll ignore you completely.

She's classy, so she'll introduce you.

When she does, shake hands hard and speak up. Let them know you're there.

Show her you can handle being her escort.

- Egon, this is Albert. - How you doing?

- Albert, this is Zak. - Nice to see you.

These guys are friends with Maggie.

- Been to that new Brazilian restaurant? - No, but I am...

It's disgusting. I'm writing an article about it.

Did you see the new installation at MOMA?

- Yes, did you think... - Disgusting.

Women can always tell when you're not being real with them.

Worst thing you can do is try to fake it, because you are a great guy.

And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does.

What was your name? Eggnog?

Egon.

What do you think of the design of the Jets'

new football stadium on the West Side?

Let me guess. Disgusting?

Think it over. We'll be back.

Thank you. I can't stand those guys.

Really? I kind of liked them.

But when all is said and done...

tonight is not about Allegra.

- It's not? - No. Tonight is about Maggie.

A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions.

So you can't afford to mess this up.

Albert, I want you to meet my friend, Maggie.

Hi, Maggie. It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.

I'm Maggie.

- No, you're not. - Actually, I am.

Magnus Forester. Thank you so much for inviting us.

- You have very soft hands. - Thank you.

- Wow. So do you. - Thank you.

So tonight, you focus on one thing and one thing only.

Maggie.

- Where does your inspiration come from? - Oh, my God.

Anything I see.

Something in a magazine, out on the street...

in an old movie.

The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me.

Anybody want any spring rolls?

That's a beautiful tie, by the way. This whole thing, it just works.

Thank you.

- Is he gay? - I don't think so.

I like him.

About the deejay. Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy.

But if she asks, you cannot say no.

I'm not worried about dancing. But if there are people there...

I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler, but I need to be thorough.

Show me what you mean by you're not worried about it.

Trust me. You know what I'm gonna do.

That's what it's all about, right there.

See how it gets bigger?

Now I'm gonna start the fire.

But the feet are going. I start the fire, I make the pizza.

Hips are always going.

Can't get enough hip.

From there, the Q-Tip.

Q-Tip. Throw it away.

That's not working, hit them with this.

Don't ever...

do that again.

Do you hear me?

- Just expressing myself. - No.

Not like that, you're not, all right?

This is where you live.

Right here.

You live right here, okay? This is home.

None of this.

I don't wanna see none of that.

Don't need no pizza. They got food there.

Elbows, inches from the waist, -degree angles.

Don't you bite your lip. Stop it.

Women relate dancing to sex, all right?

Even a great dancer can lose it with one of these.

Okay, now that's what I need to be learning.

Can't stop it.

You cannot stop it.

Next subject.

Get out.

Thanks.

So, are you a Knicks fan?

When they're good.

- I'm really sorry. - Oh, God. Why?

- She was there? - I left you a bunch of messages.

My phone fell in the Hudson.

Yeah, well, it gets worse.

I don't believe this.

- I thought he was a bodyguard. - I'm the only one who will need protection.

- Max is gonna... - Gonna be really irritated.

When I got the train this morning, I thought it was gonna be a good day.

Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?

- Tell me how this happened. - What? There were some photographers.

Does this even look like dancing to you?

That's just a little bit of me being me.

No, that's you being a lot of something you don't need to ever be again.

- It's just one dance. - No.

One dance, one look, one kiss. That's all we get, Albert.

Just one shot to make the difference...

between happily ever after and:

"Oh, he's just some guy I went to some thing with once."

All right?

- What? - You said "kiss."

Is that a problem?

It's not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole.

Eight out of women believe that the first kiss...

will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship.

And believe me, she has definitely thought about it.

- She has? - Of course.

Not that she's gonna act on it. So it's no real big deal.

- All right, it's no big deal then. - It's a very big deal!

- Huge.

- Monumental!

You are not listening...

I need you to wrap your head around this.

Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole...

could have her last first kiss.

All right, come on, just show me what you got.

- What do you mean? - Just show me how you would kiss me.

I wouldn't kiss you.

I'm not me, I'm Allegra.

But you're really not, so...

Okay, Albert, end of the night, you're dropping me off at home.

- Show me the magic. - I'm not comfortable with this.

God, Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you.

Yeah, how about those Knicks?

You see what I'm doing? This is a signal. I'm fiddling with my keys.

A woman that doesn't want a kiss...

takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house.

A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.

I'm fiddling.

Okay, you have a good night now...

- You see what I'm doing? - Robbing me?

No.

This is what most guys do. They rush in to take the kiss.

But you're not most guys.

See, the secret to a kiss is to go %% of the way...

and then hold.

- For how long? - As long as it takes...

for her to come the other

%% .

Okay,

%% - %% . Got it.

Okay, come on. Shake it off. It's your turn.

I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.

I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra...

with a beard.

What's up?

- I'm not feeling it. - What do you mean? I came

%% .

I'm not feeling like you want it.

Look, I'm Allegra Cole, the woman of your dreams.

The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire.

Now, show me the magic, Albert.

- What the hell was that? - I'm showing you the magic!

No, I said come

%% and then I come

%%!

You don't go the whole

%%!

My mouth was open, Albert. You overeager son of a...

Other than that, how was it?

They came together, they danced together, and they left together.

He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.

For all I know, he's adorable.

But him dating her is...

You seem stressed.

You and I had an understanding.

If you invite Allegra, you're supposed to call me.

I didn't invite her.

Honestly, sweetie, I thought she was still in Europe.

- So you invited Albert? - No.

Look, it says here the tickets went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.

What?

Machine.

Hi, it's Sara.

I just wanted to say thank you...

for an unforgettable experience...

the other day.

And if you ever want to see your shirt again...

you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around : .

Okay, bye.

- Do you think he'll show? - Yeah.

He's too much of a player to have a bad date on his record.

Is this a source or a date?

A source.

Well, it sounded like a date.

Well, it was supposed to.

So it looks like a date and it sounds like a date...

- but it's not a date. - Yeah. Right.

Just checking.

Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message.

I wasn't sure you called the right guy. You must be a glutton for punishment.

Either that or I really wanna pay you back.

I think this is yours.

Thank you. I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.

Really? There's a whole wall?

So what are we getting into?

Ever been to a food rave before?

Happens once a month, all around the city. Different chefs, different venues.

You any good in the kitchen?

I can stand the heat, if that's what you mean.

Good. Because that's my boss and his wife right over there.

Interesting.

Well, here's a concept: We're paying to cook our own food.

Here's another concept: Shut up. It's an evening out.

The longer you're married, the less you go out.

In a couple of years, we're gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.

So, Louise, are you in the newspaper business, also?

No, I'm a psychiatrist.

Well, that's the last thing I'm gonna say tonight.

So, Sara, you never told me.

How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night?

Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?

No.

Really? I find that very odd.

- Max. - I think you're being odd.

Well, I'm always odd. It's why you married me.

And it's why I married you.

Speaking of which, Hitch...

what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara?

Wait, you know what? Actually, there was someone.

I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.

- My friends who and who? - Allegra Cole?

Really? How do you know her?

- I don't. - So you know Albert?

- Knew. - He had your tickets.

I mean, how well do you really know your accountant?

April and then you don't see him again till April .

Ladies and gentlemen...

a coquille St. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction.

- Compliments of our chef. - Thank you.

I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this.

That's really good.

I'm very impressed.

Why is that?

Around these two, people usually can't wait to name-drop and dish their friends...

and you're being all discreet.

Yeah, it's quite endearing.

Actually, it is. So why don't we change the subject?

- Are you all right? - Yeah. No, I'm fine.

So Sara tells me that you're a consultant, Hitch.

Yeah, mostly marketing, little advertising, brand management.

I have no idea what that means.

No one does. That's why I get to charge so much.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Is it itchy in here or is it just me?

- I know what's happening. - No.

You think that I'm in a stressful state...

because I'm trying to make a good impression...

while also dealing with my commitment issues...

trying to avoid all these awkward conversations.

No, I think you have food allergies.

- Wow. - What?

- Benadryl. Where's the Benadryl? - Aisle .

- Which one's Aisle ? - The one with the big

over it.

Sara, I'm fine.

- You sure it's in Aisle ? - No.

Really, it is not that serious.

Benadryl.

- A lot of Benadryl. A lot. - What? Are you...

Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf!

Come on!

Okay, we're doing fine.

Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down.

Wait, who sings that song again?

Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire.

You should let them sing it.

I bet this would be great on the rocks. It's good, right?

I bet I can ask you just about anything right now.

No.

I'm a vault, baby. Locked down.

What is an heiress doing with a CPA?

They're going to the Knicks game.

Yep, Fort Knox.

He loves her so much!

I'm sure he does.

I'm telling you, people search their whole lives trying to find the...

Reasons that we're here

I wouldn't know.

You would if you saw it.

Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

What about you? You ever been in love?

Yep.

But you're never gonna know that.

Okay, I think you've had enough of the juice box.

Let's go.

This is some place.

You live here alone?

Yeah. I actually prefer it that way. What about you?

I haven't had a roommate since college, and he upped and married my sister.

- Really? - Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon.

Uncle Hitch.

Thank you.

- So, how do you feel?

- Good.

Relaxed.

So what about you? Any siblings?

Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C.

Younger, right?

I could hear it in your voice.

Sort of an innate protective thing.

Yeah, I guess.

What?

She almost died once.

I was

.

We were skating on the pond behind our house...

and she fell through the ice.

My dad pulled her out.

Gave her mouth-to-mouth.

Longest three minutes of my life.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I don't think I've ever really gotten over it.

Kind of defines you, doesn't it?

You know like, one moment you're gliding along...

the next moment you're standing in the rain watching your life fall apart.

Except it was snow.

Yeah. That's what I said, "snow."

You said "rain."

Some kind of precipitation.

Is that what happened to you?

Nothing as dramatic as falling through the ice.

You know...

it definitely...

Left a scar?

Yeah.

I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?

Or skate.

Are you here?

Sara, you're such an idiot! You moron! What the hell did you think?

You're so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara.

- When are you gonna learn... - Should I come back later?

Hi. I thought you left.

Well, I did, but then I came back with breakfast.

I figured it was the least that I could do.

I didn't know what you were drinking...

so I got a grande cap, a latte, an Earl Grey tea...

and something with "chai" in the title.

Tea for me.

Tea. Yes! I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh, God. You're a morning person, aren't you?

Well, like I always tell my clients:

Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

- Wow. Beautiful day. - Yeah.

- Beautiful girl. - Thank you.

Well, I'm this way.

I'm that way.

Give me a ring sometime.

I mean, on the phone.

No, I definitely will.

Good.

I gotta go to work.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Can you believe what a beautiful day it is...

not?

- What's wrong, pumpkin? - I'm so stupid.

I ignored your advice. I went on that date.

With who?

Not the lingerie guy.

Vance Munson. And you're right, there's no way he ever had a mother.

That bad?

He took me to Scalinatella, and he was affectionate and sweet.

He told me all these intimate things, like how he can't taste food...

and he wants three kids.

So you slept with him.

I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.

Case, I'm so sorry.

- Maybe I'll just die alone after all. - No, you won't.

You'll meet a great guy with a great smile and you'll travel the world together.

Who are you? Where's my best friend?

It's true. He just hasn't found you yet. But he will.

Just as he's leaving, guess what he says: "Date Doctor, my ass."

- What does that mean? - It means he's really out there.

And if I ever meet him, the only date he's gonna need is with a real doctor.

That's him.

Vance, is that you?

Yeah, hey there, beautiful.

Sara Melas, from the Standard.

I'd like to discuss the dating consultant you hired...

before you went out with Casey Sedgewick.

You don't wanna talk, that's fine. I'm going to write this anyway.

You just earned yourself a photo with a boldface caption.

What? Nice.

I can only imagine how the trading floor guys will react when they see this.

You have no proof, no facts.

Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA.

Okay, how much will it cost me to stay out of this?

I don't want money. I want a name.

- I don't know his name. - Well, what do you know?

I know this.

All this for a lousy lay.

Are we satisfied?

Almost.

No, you... You got to be...

Is this really necessary?

Have you seen your back?

No, but I see my front and maybe we should be starting with some sit-ups.

God! Mother of Troy!

Hello?

That's crazy. Just hearing your voice makes me smile.

How are you?

I'm good, I think.

No, actually, you know what? I feel a little strange.

I'm good.

Sweet Georgia Brown!

What was that?

No, that's just some guy screaming.

Listen, is there any context...

under which you'd consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date?

Probably not.

How about a do-over?

- What do you have in mind? - Dinner, my place.

Because obviously going anywhere public with you is out of the question.

God! That's it. I don't like you very much.

What is that?

Wait, I'm getting up.

It's like one of those makeover shows.

- That's a makeover show? - It's Danish.

Almost done!

Friday?

Can't. I told a friend I'd go speed dating. You know, for moral support.

But tomorrow I'm free.

Great. All right, : ?

Great.

- All right. Bye-bye. - Bye.

- See, it wasn't so bad, was it? - God!

Ball is back in play after a -second timeout.

Knicks lead the Grizzlies, here early in the first quarter.

- So this is what this feels like? - "This" being?

Great seats, great game.

Great date.

I mean, sort of.

To me, it feels like a...

- Date? - Yeah.

Look at her. She looks so happy.

How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her?

I am so jealous. I've always wanted to be able to do that.

Really? Tonight is your lucky night. Let's see what you got.

Okay. You ready?

- Oh, God. I'm sorry. - It's fine.

Knicks off to a great start...

All right, here's how it works.

Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon, by the sea lions.

No, don't worry. I'll find you.

All right. Thank you.

It's all right. I'm sorry.

Damn me.

That was it! You got it. Do it again.

Look how cute they are.

Thanks.

I had a great time tonight, Albert.

I had a great time, too, Allegra.

Good night.

Good night, Albert.

- Allegra. - Yes?

Hold on.

I like your lips.

They seem to like you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

- Anything? - Not yet.

But I got some great shots of you biting your nails.

Well, it's a big story.

- Incoming. - Really?

Yep. They're shaking hands.

This is so great. I can't wait to nail this guy.

Make sure you get a good shot of his face.

- What's he look like? - Tall, dark, and handsome.

Basic principles:

No matter what, no matter who, no matter when.

This is killing me.

Geoff is managing to play it straight.

How long have you been in love with her?

Her? About two-and-a-half years.

Take a look.

- How'd you get my card? - Albert Brennaman.

- Great guy, isn't he? - Excellent guy.

What? Sara.

- Pleasure to meet you, Geoff. - Hey, what...

- How'd you get my card? - Albert Brennaman.

- Great guy, isn't he? - Excellent guy.

You sure you want to do this?

Why wouldn't I?

Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night.

She said people who are guarded are afraid...

that you can see right through them.

That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.

He'll have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan.

She meant you.

What do you want me to say?

That I like the guy? Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.

Well, here's his shirt.

- Why don't you think about it? Call me. - Thanks.

Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.

Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up. And stop calling me papi.

Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

I believe this belongs to you.

Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny.

Wow!

So this is it.

Yeah, this is it.

Business must be good.

Well, it has its rewards.

I'll bet.

Tough day?

You could say that.

Well, you know what? You can just sit back and relax.

I got this all covered.

Spanish wine!

How thoughtful are we?

- Here, let me pour that for you. - No, that's okay.

- You want some? - Sure.

So, Hitch.

Is that a noun or a verb?

I guess it depends.

Let's see, what should we toast to?

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.

But if you must lie,

lie in the arms of the one you love.

If you must steal, steal away from bad company.

If you must cheat, cheat death.

And if you must drink...

drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Did you just make that up?

Make yourself at home.

I'm gonna check on the risotto.

Look at this! Which one's the music?

It does lights, too?

Let me help you out with that.

Now, this is nifty.

What are you doing?

How does it work, exactly?

Well, usually you have dinner, then you have dessert.

No, I mean your thriving business.

I don't do interviews.

But if you'd like to get back to the evening, I'd be happy to sit and talk.

Great idea. You start.

Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling.

What if I told you...

that I know exactly what you do and how you do it?

And I think it's despicable!

You know what? We might need to go out to dinner.

There's a great seafood restaurant I'd love to take you to.

How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?

- Maybe I will! - What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing a front-page story can't cure.

So that's what this is all about?

Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?

- You put them there! - No, you did!

No, he did! The minute he called you!

Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi.

I need to bring my partner, Amir, somewhere amazing for our anniversary.

Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is.

What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?

It's you, no?

So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good?

How was she? I'll tell you! She was great!

Isn't that the Date Doctor?

- I'm telling you, that's him. - He doesn't look anything like him.

- Excuse me. Do you know him? - No.

I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that he did not hire you.

Ma'am, I have never seen this man before in my life.

See you later, Tony.

Tony? You have got some serious explaining to do.

Albert. Hitch. You all right?

I can't really talk right now. I'm kind of tied up.

One, two. On three.

Women will remain seated.

Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.

You get two minutes each, four minutes total.

So trade your talk time when you hear...

the gong.

If it's mutual, you get numbers.

If not, better luck next time, okay?

Ladies, take your seats.

Case, you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience.

Thanks for coming.

I know it's lame. I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doing.

I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier romantic composers.

But despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism...

I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner.

- Nice talking to you. - Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Excuse me.

That's my seat, man.

My name is Ron. I'm

.

Albert Brennaman is a good man.

In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.

I just got out of a five-year relationship.

I'm a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs...

And then you're mad at me for what I do for a living?

I've already got your number...

so why don't you go consult your conscience?

- Albert is in love with her. - Just like Sebastian?

- Is there a problem? - No, just one sec.

- What do you have against Allegra anyway? - Nothing.

My interest is protecting women from assholes like you.

I did ice climbing once.

- You don't even know me. - And whose fault is that?

...the sun comes up, the ice really starts to fall apart.

I bet. I'm sorry.

- Do you know this guy? - Apparently not.

You're in my seat.

You really... I'm doing you a favor, believe me.

Basically, I like outdoor sports. But indoor sports have their place, too.

There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive.

And my job is to try to find the truth.

The truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head.

If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it, so be it.

Why don't you say what's really pissing you off?

I've been waiting to talk to her...

- You want to sit down? Here you go. Gong! - Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hi. Actually, you're not supposed to move.

I'm Alex Hitchens. No, it's okay. Go.

- I'm Casey. - Hi, Casey.

I work for a small publishing house in the press department...

which isn't actually where I want to be. But it's a good house...

You handled me. You manipulated me.

You researched me and you showed me my great-grandfather's signature.

Wait. You're Ellis Island?

- I thought that was real sweet. - Thank you.

Case, you're not helping.

Excuse me, I'm on a date.

Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan...

because he's nervous?

He's not sure that he could just walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:

"I like you."

- That sounds good to me. - True, you can't tell them you like them.

- I tried that. It didn't go well. - I've crashed and burned on that.

That is what you did, and I did like you!

I just didn't know I was being worked over by some professional.

He doesn't have a badge.

The only time he was sincere or spontaneous...

was when everything was going wrong or when you were stoned out of your head.

- I'm sorry to interrupt. Do I know you? - No, I don't think so.

- You wanna see me be spontaneous? - Sure, you want a Benadryl?

This is really kind of distracting. And I haven't gotten laid in a year!

We're sorry. Why don't you guys get back to your date?

Or go somewhere.

Maybe from the bank?

If this doesn't work out, call him. He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.

Wait, that's it. You're the Date Doctor, right?

- You're the Date Doctor? - Do we have a problem here?

Yeah, a big one! What the hell did I ever do to you?

Am I missing something?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance?

Wow.

I don't believe this.

That's your source?

You buried yourself, Alex.

Then you weren't listening.

I heard every word.

You're a scam artist.

- You trick women into getting... - Into getting out of their own way...

so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

No, I want everybody to take a good look at this right now.

Because this right here...

this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard.

Sir, let's go. Now.

And Vance Munson is a pig!

And I refused to work with him.

You need to get your facts right.

It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job.

Had a job.

Can you believe that guy?

Actually, I do.

You...

complete me.

- I might just have... - Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at "hello."

No comment.

This is off the record.

I came to apologize.

I made some assumptions about you...

based on nothing, it turns out.

- I guess Casey's right. My best friend... - Don't worry about it. We're straight.

I should've asked you. But sometimes you're so guarded.

I just don't wanna be another reason for you to...

I'm not someone who likes to get involved past a certain point.

And that point was about a week ago.

Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry...

and I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't.

That's a relief.

- Hey, fella. - Yeah, good. You?

What you got there?

This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

She hasn't called back?

You want some coffee?

I want you to fix it.

I got nothing, Albert.

You wanna do something? We should get out tonight.

Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.

I swear I'm going out of my mind.

I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York.

I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it, because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Look, you will. Just give it time.

That's just it. I don't want to.

I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable.

If this is the only way I can stay connected with her...

then this is who I have to be.

No, you don't. You can change, you can adapt.

You can make it so you don't ever have to feel like this.

Ever again.

Oh, my God. You just don't get it, do you?

I get it.

Let me get this straight.

You're selling this stuff, but you don't believe in your own product.

- Love is my life. - No. Love is your job.

You wanna jump out a plane without a chute, be my guest.

But forgive me if I don't join you.

This isn't about love for you at all, is it?

This whole time, I thought I was the coward.

- Where you going? - Skydiving.

Taxi!

Mr. Hitchens.

Miss Cole, thank you very much for seeing me.

You said it was a matter of life and death.

That man would've sold his soul to make you happy.

So what does that make you, the devil?

My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It's to create opportunities.

Like the boardroom.

- Would you have noticed him otherwise? - Yes.

- Really? - Eventually.

Maybe.

How did you know all that stuff about me?

Well, you really did your homework.

Like at boarding school when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle.

And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can't dance, either.

Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork.

That was all you, right?

No. Hell, no.

That was him?

That's got Albert written all over it.

Did you put him up to the inhaler?

Stop it. He did not show you that.

He chucked it right before he kissed me.

So, wait...

that stuff worked for you?

It was adorable.

What did you do?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

That's good.

- This was your plan the whole time? - Albert.

You sail off into the sunset with my girl?

You were like a brother to me!

- He came here for you.

- Who?

The guy you're choking.

- I love you. - I love you.

I really love you.

- I love you more. - I love you more. I really do.

I got somewhere I gotta go.

- Yeah, who is it? - Hitch.

Can I talk to you?

What?

You almost hit me.

Look, I just wanted to stop by, basically.

See, this is the thing.

This is weird. I don't have me behind the door, you know.

Close your mouth.

Because I knew at some point I'd be...

right here. But I thought that...

everything would come out, but it's like...

That's throwing me off.

- Can we close the door? - What?

I'm sorry. Just, can we... I just need...

- Are you serious? - No, just like this.

What do you want, Hitch?

You.

For a whole lot of reasons that don't make any sense to me.

I mean, what, we've been on three dates?

See, that's what's crazy.

That's what's crazy, because I know.

I know deep...

like just down, just in this area...

that I just know...

that I want...

I want to be miserable.

Like, really miserable.

Because, hey...

if that's what it takes for me to be happy then...

Wait, that didn't come out right.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Nothing! - No, not you.

I'm talking to me.

Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda.

I'll just put this in the car.

Maybe it's like what you said.

We should just both go our separate ways and then we'll do just fine.

What if fine isn't good enough?

What if I want extraordinary?

No such thing.

I'm just as scared as you are, Sara.

But I'm right here, and our time is right now.

Well, what about before?

I am a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

I'm a realist, and I know what love does to people.

- No, you don't. - Keys.

There you go. Right here.

I don't know who this is, and I don't care.

What I do know is he'll never feel about you the way that I do.

- You know how to drive a stick? - Both of you, shut up!

- You okay?

- Yeah. No, I'm fine.

You'll never be fine, and neither will I!

Maybe I should drive.

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

If that's what it takes.

Sara, what happened?

- He jumped on the car. - Why?

Because that's what people do.

They leap and hope to God they can fly.

Because otherwise...

we just drop like a rock...

wondering the whole way down:

"Why in the hell did I jump?"

But here I am, Sara, falling.

And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly.

That's you.

So, you kind of like me?

No.

I love you.

I love you, and I knew it from the first...

If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid.

This is the guy I was telling you about. Hitch, that's my sister, Maria.

And that's her husband, Tom.

Her husband.

Where's your date?

Don't have one.

I know. Shocking, huh?

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Grandma, what happened?

This young lady just saved my life.

Ask her to dance.

Well, if you insist.

- I'm Casey. - Charles Wellington.

- And this... - Forget it. Just go.

Basic principles:

There are none.

Special help by SergeiK