multiculturalism

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The face of family in 2012 is constantly changing. Not only do we have more single-parent families,
blended families and same-sex parent households, but we also have more diverse families. This
diversity may come in the package of race, religion, ethnicity, culture, and language and on and on.
Since many of the previously mentioned don’t fit into the stereotypical box of what family is
supposed to look like, these couples and families often find themselves making up their own rules
as they go. For my purposes, I am going to focus on the multicultural couple and family.
I have experienced firsthand both the joys and challenges of being part of a multicultural family.
Subsequently, I have developed a great interest in working with individuals, couples & families from
such diverse backgrounds and specialize in working in this area.
It can be a wonderfully enriching and exciting experience to be part of a multicultural couple or
family; varying traditions, ideologies, values, cuisines & languages all coming into one home. But
what happens when these couples or families hit a speed bump? Oftentimes, differences in culture
can become a source of conflict and even a divide in these relationships.
In an effort to better serve our diverse community by promoting awareness, I have highlighted 10
issues/questions unique to multicultural couples & families from both my clinical work and personal
experience.
1. Family

Roles: Who has what responsibilities? Who has a job? Who cleans the home? Who makes
dinner? Who makes the rules?

Loyalty vs. independence: How much time is appropriate and comfortable to spend with family
of origin? How much money is appropriate and comfortable to spend on family of origin? How much
time do we spend away from family of origin?

Hierarchy: My culture is patriarchal. My culture is matriarchal. Whose opinion is most valued
and respected in the family?
2. Raising Children
Names: What kind of name do we give our child? Will our child have a middle name?

Religion: We have two different religions, which one do we choose for our children? Do we
choose one, blend them? Will we attend church, mosque, temple, etc?

Language: Can I preserve my native language and share it with my children? Do the children
learn multiple languages? We both speak different languages, how will the child learn all of this? If
the children learn my partner’s language, I won’t understand.

Rules: Who is the disciplinarian? We have different views on how to discipline. We have
different views on rules for boys and girls.
3. Community
– We are very close with my partner’s community, but what about mine? The community does not
accept me/us, where do we go?
4. Money
- To be spent only when necessary? To be enjoyed?
5. Sex
– How do sexual attitudes and beliefs affect intimacy and affection in the relationship? What does
each person feel about talking about intimacy, displaying it and expressing it?
6. Emotional style
– How do I live happily with someone who expresses him/herself so differently than I? My culture is
reserved and restrained. My culture is expressive, loud and intense.
7. Traditions
- Which holidays and traditions do we observe? How will we spend those holidays? Whose family
will we spend them with? Do we have to spend holidays with family?
8. Racism, prejudice, discrimination
- We lack family and/or community support. Can you turn to your partner for support? Historical
conflict between our cultures detracts from our support.
9. Intergenerational issues

Acculturation: Parent and child have different levels of acculturation (defined as the process of
cultural and psychological change that results following meeting between cultures). My parent(s)
don’t understand the “American” way.

Identity: Child identifies more with one culture over another. Child rebels against culture.

Values: Differences in values among child, parent and relatives.
10. Attitudes towards therapy
- Keep the problems within the family or share with others? It is embarrassing to share problems
and emotions with a therapist or sharing feels natural and comfortable?

Multicultural families face challenges similar to other families: What values do we want to pass on
to our children? What traditions do we want to teach them? How can we give them the best
education? What role will extended family play in our lives?
Yet in multicultural families these familiar challenges are complicated by the blend of cultures and
family traditions: Do we raise our children in the church or the synagogue? Or both? (Or neither?)
Do we send them to an English language school or a Spanish one? How do we maintain ties to
family on another continent?
Most multicultural families, however, will agree that facing these challenges is more than worth the
trouble, considering the benefits of raising children who learn to value differences from an early
age. Some might even argue that multicultural couples are usually quite well prepared to tackle
thorny issues… and these issues can even bring them closer together.
How can this be? Perhaps one reason is that when both members of a couple come from the same
culture, they were usually raised doing things differently – however there is often an expectation for
some sort of common ground. If you marry someone from an another country or background, you
know that you will have differences, so you consciously work on them as a couple. You have most
likely already learned that you need to work through challenges together – and that there is often
no one “right” way. By facing challenges with family unity in mind, you can figure out how to use
them to grow even closer together.
Below are 7 common challenges facing multicultural families and why I believe they can be
advantages:
1. Where to Live: This challenge arises from the very beginning. When raising children, connections
to extended family are very important, yet many multicultural families do not live close to relatives
or have to choose which relatives to live near. Also, they might have to choose job security over
travel or moving abroad to help their children learn another language/culture. But in the end,
where a family decides to live can be what defines them and makes them unique. Making a
conscious decision as a family can lead to greater bonding and a sense of shared purpose: We are
the family that moved to Taipei to discover the world. We are the family that made the continents
our classroom.
2. What Religion to Follow: Blending cultures often means having to purposefully choose which
beliefs and values to pass on to your children. The resulting conflict can expose very sensitive
emotions and cherished (or painful) memories. Yet talking openly about your beliefs can also lead
to wonderful, heartfelt discussions that help you build a strong, vibrant family culture with shared
(or at least mutually supportive) values.
3. What Holidays to Observe: This challenge is related to #2 but does not align completely. Nonreligious families often observe holidays for the sake of tradition or fond childhood memories or
simply the influence of outside culture. I will never forget how every year my best friend and I
would exchange Christmas presents – even though she was Hindu and I was a Bahá’í! It’s best to
have a frank talk about expectations and desires for celebrating holidays with your family. Do you
just want to give your kids the spirit of the holiday, or is the religious aspect also important? Do
you care about having a traditional celebration, or are you really just looking to have a fun day with
your relatives? Often celebrating holidays together can be a fun way for all members of the family
to share in each other’s traditions, without the deep conflicts over philosophies or doctrine.
4. What Language to Speak: Speaking a language can be an entryway into another culture and
place, and learning a language from early childhood has many benefits for children. Yet raising
multilingual children is hard work, and it can be especially difficult if a family is under pressure
(from relatives or society) to only teach the majority language. Making the decision about which
language(s) to teach your children and choosing a strategy for how to go about doing it is often a
defining moment for a family, because it can be a very clear marker to others that you have
consciously decided to raise your child to be “different.” But again, making such a decision as a
family can be a source of strength, as it can help define a family culture. (Plus it can be fun to have
a “secret” family language that others don’t understand!)
5. Relationship with Extended Family: Marrying into another family is one of the greatest rewards
and challenges in any marriage. Extended families are often where cultural differences become
more apparent. If your spouse married outside of his culture, chances are he has more experience
with other ways of thinking and doing things. This may not be the case with his family, so chances
for misunderstandings are higher. Yet the chances for loving, mutually enriching relationships are
just as great. On a strictly cultural level, there is no better way to see another country than with

your new family, and you will gain intimate access to another way of life that would be difficult to
gain otherwise.
6. Health and Safety: Especially once you have children, looking after their welfare can be a great
source of contention, since the stakes are so high. Philosophy and religion make for great
discussions, but in the end you can agree to disagree. Not so your child’s physical safety. Abstract
sentiments go out the window when they come up against the concrete, day to day decisions about
how to protect your children. What type of food is best? Can they play outside barefoot? How well
do you know their friend’s parents? Basic standards vary from person to person, but also culture to
culture. As with the other challenges, frank discussion is best, with a heavy dose of mutual respect,
remembering that in the end you share the same goal of raising healthy, happy kids.
7. Dealing with Prejudice: And finally, of course, we can’t ignore the elephant in the room:
Multicultural families are much more likely to face prejudice from society, whether because of
mixing cultures, languages, or (especially) races. Children from multicultural families may feel they
have to choose one heritage (and therefore one parent) over another, or may feel they don’t fit in
anywhere at all. Yet despite the difficulties, in the end multicultural children are at an advantage in
today’s world because of their intimate familiarity with more than one culture and, perhaps most
importantly, their deep understanding of the need to bridges differences. If they are given the
proper guidance to weather the prejudice they will inevitably face, they will become savvy yet
sensitive citizens of today’s increasingly interconnected world.
It is important to remember that multicultural families – like others – were created out of love, and it
is that love for each other that can ultimately help them triumph over any challenges they might
face. Facing these challenges together can be turned into an advantage that will help cement the
family unit.
What challenges has your family faced? How have you turned these challenges into advantages?

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