Quotes

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As I said to Michael Jordan just last week,



I never name drop myself.









~ Anonymous

I’m an idealist:

I don t know where I’m going but I’m on my way.









~ Carl Sandburg

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.













~ Milton Berle

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.









~ Mark Twain

I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated.

So I promise I shall be as brief possible - no matter how long it takes me.











~ Willard Pearson

Once you get people laughing, they’re listening and you can tell them almost anything.













~ Herb Gardner

You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.





~ Woody Allen

As one cat said to another:

Birthdays are like fur balls the more you have, the more you gag.







~ Marla Morgan

Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.







~ Joan Rivers

For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.













~ Tanya Noe

He’s so old his social security number is two digits.









~ Brian Morgan

My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.









~ Roy Acuff

I stay away from natural foods.

At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.









~ George Burns

At eighty-eight, how do I feel when I get up in the morning?

. . . . Amazed!











~ Ludwigh von Mises

Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind.







~ Lotus Wienstock

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.









~ Bette Midler

Pushing fifty is exercise enough.

Sometimes I feel that I’m not just aging . . .

I m decomposing.







~ Fletcher Anderson

You know you’re getting old when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you re down there.









~ George Burns

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.









~ Doris Day

When I think of my dad as a little boy, I tend to think of him in black and white.

The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.







~ Sophie Tucker

People who have the most birthdays live the longest.











~ Jean Bucher

Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.





~ Satchel Paige

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory. . . I forget the other two.







~ Red Skelton

To what do you attribute your advanced age?

Well, I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.











~ Sir Malcolm Sargent

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

~ Albert Einstein

When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, Red meat and gin.

I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.









~ Phyllis Diller

You know you are getting older when happy hour is a nap.



~ Gray Kristofferson

You’re only young once, but you can always be immature.





~ Dave Barry

I am prepared to meet my Maker.

Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.







~ Winston Churchill

If anything happens to me, tell every woman I’ve ever gone with I was talking about her at the end.

That way, they’ll have to re-evaluate me.









~ Albert Brooks

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.











~ Woody Allen

The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high points of my life, then fell asleep.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.







~ Mark Twain

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.







~ John Jensen

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.









~ Woody Allen

The best way to get praise is to die.





~ Italian proverb

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.







~ Johnny Carson

I do not believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.









~ Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.



~ Woody Allen

Death is just nature’s way of telling you to slow down.





~ Dick Sharples

Life is not a dress rehearsal.



~ Rose Tremain

I’m not afraid to die.

I just don’t want to be there when it happens.









~ Woody Allen

Everybody’s got to die sometime. That’s life.





~ Archie Bunker

Committee:

A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.











~ Milton Berle

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.





~ Nicholas M. Butler

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.







~ Andy Rooney

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - because they are looking for ideas.







~ Paula Poundstone

After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people.







~ Howie Mandel

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

~ Golda Meir

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.







~ Mark Twain

I succeed him; no one could replace him.







~ Thomas Jefferson

The man whose conscience never troubles him must have it pretty well trained.

Always do right.

This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.











~ Mark Twain

A person’s reputation is a mixture of what his friends, enemies, and relatives say behind his back.

The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is: Stop for lunch and you are lunch.

I often feel like the director of a cemetery. I have a lot of people under me, but nobody listens.







~ General John Gavin

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