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As I said to Michael Jordan just last week,
I never name drop myself.
~ Anonymous
I’m an idealist:
I don t know where I’m going but I’m on my way.
~ Carl Sandburg
I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.
~ Milton Berle
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
~ Mark Twain
I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated.
So I promise I shall be as brief possible - no matter how long it takes me.
~ Willard Pearson
Once you get people laughing, they’re listening and you can tell them almost anything.
~ Herb Gardner
You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
~ Woody Allen
As one cat said to another:
Birthdays are like fur balls the more you have, the more you gag.
~ Marla Morgan
Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
~ Joan Rivers
For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.
~ Tanya Noe
He’s so old his social security number is two digits.
~ Brian Morgan
My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.
~ Roy Acuff
I stay away from natural foods.
At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
~ George Burns
At eighty-eight, how do I feel when I get up in the morning?
. . . . Amazed!
~ Ludwigh von Mises
Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind.
~ Lotus Wienstock
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
~ Bette Midler
Pushing fifty is exercise enough.
Sometimes I feel that I’m not just aging . . .
I m decomposing.
~ Fletcher Anderson
You know you’re getting old when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you re down there.
~ George Burns
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.
~ Doris Day
When I think of my dad as a little boy, I tend to think of him in black and white.
The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.
~ Sophie Tucker
People who have the most birthdays live the longest.
~ Jean Bucher
Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
~ Satchel Paige
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory. . . I forget the other two.
~ Red Skelton
To what do you attribute your advanced age?
Well, I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.
~ Sir Malcolm Sargent
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
~ Albert Einstein
When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, Red meat and gin.
I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
~ Phyllis Diller
You know you are getting older when happy hour is a nap.
~ Gray Kristofferson
You’re only young once, but you can always be immature.
~ Dave Barry
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
~ Winston Churchill
If anything happens to me, tell every woman I’ve ever gone with I was talking about her at the end.
That way, they’ll have to re-evaluate me.
~ Albert Brooks
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.
~ Woody Allen
The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high points of my life, then fell asleep.
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
~ Mark Twain
The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.
~ John Jensen
Ninety percent of living is just showing up.
~ Woody Allen
The best way to get praise is to die.
~ Italian proverb
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I do not believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
~ Woody Allen
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
~ Woody Allen
Death is just nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
~ Dick Sharples
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
~ Rose Tremain
I’m not afraid to die.
I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
~ Woody Allen
Everybody’s got to die sometime. That’s life.
~ Archie Bunker
Committee:
A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.
~ Milton Berle
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
~ Nicholas M. Butler
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
~ Andy Rooney
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - because they are looking for ideas.
~ Paula Poundstone
After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people.
~ Howie Mandel
Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
~ Golda Meir
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
~ Mark Twain
I succeed him; no one could replace him.
~ Thomas Jefferson
The man whose conscience never troubles him must have it pretty well trained.
Always do right.
This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
~ Mark Twain
A person’s reputation is a mixture of what his friends, enemies, and relatives say behind his back.
The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is: Stop for lunch and you are lunch.
I often feel like the director of a cemetery. I have a lot of people under me, but nobody listens.
~ General John Gavin
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