Raise the Stakes Final
Content
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, WITH A 70's-STYLE GAME SHOW THEME SONG
PLAYING. FRED WALSH IS SLIGHTLY DISTORTED WHEN COMPARED TO
THE OTHER VOICES TO SHOW HE IS THE ANNOUNCER IN A SOUND
BOOTH, SEPERATE FROM THE ACTION.
FRED WALSH
Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome
to RAISE THE STAKES, your pulse
pounding, teeth clenching adrenaline
rush! Every week we raise the stakes on
what you thought was possible in a game
show and this episode will be no
different! Tonight we will meet Tip
Swinden, a model train enthusiast and
father of 9 from Middle Northsure,
Kansas, and Jim Kennings, a food
scientist from Salt Lake City, Utah. I'm
Fred Walsh, join me in saying hello to
your host, Dick Tweed!
LOUD APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Thank you everybody, and thank you Fred
Walsh. Welcome to Raise the Stakes!
That's right folks, I'm Dick Tweed, and
I couldn't be any happier about it.
AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER AT HEARING MR TWEED'S FAMOUS
CATCHPHRASE, BUT HE CONTINUES OVER THIS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
This week, like every week, the jackpots
are unimaginable and the challenges
nearly indescribable, but I will do my
best. Besides, you all know how it's
played by now! We've got two great
contestants tonight, so let's get right
to it. Our first lucky competitor is Jim
Kennings. Let's all say hello to the
man!
MORE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
JIM KENNINGS
Hello Mr. Tweed, I'd like to roll to
begin with.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
Whoa whoa whoa Jim! Hold your horses!
Let the folks get to know you first.
JIM KENNINGS
Oh, I'm sorry about that Mr Tweed, I'm
just so excited to get started.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Call me Dick, Jim. And of course you're
excited! The folks at home would all
like to get to know you a little before
we begin. I heard from Fred a moment ago
that you're a food scientist, is that
right? Do you have any creations out
there we may have tasted?
JIM KENNINGS
Well, a lot of my work never makes it
out of the focus testing phase, but if
you've ever had a grey-flavored soda I
played a big part in that. I was also
part of the team that invented the
value-sized french fry during the
recession. I'd say that was the most
famous thing I've worked on.
DICK TWEED
The fries are small, but the idea was
big! What an accomplishment! And I see
you're from Salt Lake City?
JIM KENNINGS
That's right Mr Tweed. I am a devout
Mormon.
DICK TWEED
Hie to Kolob.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
All right then, usually in the first
round you'd have the choice between
spinning the wheel, answering a trivia
question, or rolling the dice but since
you've already chosen it's straight to
the dice.
FRED WALSH
Dick, The Executive says Jim gets
Panache Points for choosing so soon.
DICK TWEED
That choice paid off for you big time,
Jim! The Executive really took a liking
to you! Of course we all know what
Panache Points mean, so this roll is
suddenly much more important. They skip
you right ahead from a roll for $100 up
2 slots to a roll for $10,000!
JIM KENNINGS
Oh my stars! I can't believe my luck!
DICK TWEED
Well then here you are Jim, give it a
good hard roll and see where you end up.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. THE SOUND OF DICE SHAKING AND RATTLING
AROUND. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
The Executive had the right idea about
you, Jim! I can't believe it, a pair of
ones, exactly what you're looking for on
a first roll. You know what that means,
it's time to RAISE THE STAKES!
THE AUDIENCE GOES ABSOLUTELY APESHIT.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
That roll would have been worth $10,000,
but double ones takes you up two more
notches. You don't win $10,000, you
don't win $25,000, you win your own home
right here in sunny California, tax
free, free and clear! How does it feel,
Jim? Are you ready to move the family
out here?
JIM KENNINGS
Oh heavens no, I wouldn't bring my
family to this Godless Gomorrah. I"ll
have to sell the house. I'm feeling a
little shaky for round two though, so I
think I will be interrogating an
audience member.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
Come on Jim, calling the game before I
have the chance to ask you again? Yes,
home audience, now is when I'd usually
remind you that round two is the
lightning round where Jim would have to
survive several bolts of lightning while
regaling our Judgment Panel with
embarrassing stories from his childhood,
but instead he will be spending our
commercial break interrogating a random
member of our studio audience. Who will
that be, Fred?
BEEP BOOP NOISES LIKE IN "PRESS YOUR LUCK", THEN
SUDDENLY STOP.
FRED WALSH
Tonight's audience interrogation random
participant is the person sitting in
seat 13B, Dick, 13B.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. THE THEME SONG STARTS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED
Alright, security is whisking away the
man in seat 13B. As you can see, Jim has
had a black bag placed over his head and
is being escorted to the interrogation
room, but of course you'd never hear a
peep of protest from that Raise the
Stakes pro. We'll be back in two and
two, after this word from our sponsors.
APPLAUSE AND THE THEME SONG FADE OUT, AND ARE REPLACED BY
BACKGROUND MUSIC AS FRED WALSH READS THE AD COPY.
FRED WALSH
When you need to fill a prescription,
find an over the counter remedy when
you're feeling ill, or get just the
right shade of lipstick for the big
date, where can you turn? Walgreens has
been helping folks like you with
problems like these for more than 100
years. Sure, you may have to hunt a
salesclerk down in order to pay when it
would be so much easier to just walk out
the door instead, but once you do snatch
a hold of one they will be sure to
recite to you all the corporate
catchphrases you've grown to love as
they ring up your items. With over 1000
easy to use locations right across the
street from a Rite Aid or CVS, it's
simple to be well at Walgreens! Stop in
today!
APPLAUSE AND THEME SONG RETURNS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Welcome back to Raise the Stakes! Here's
your host, Dick Tweed!
DICK TWEED
I don't think they'd have forgotten
already, Fred.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Jim Kennings has made quite the killing
in round one, skipping straight to the
big prize, a California dream home. Here
he is now, fresh from his audience
interrogation lifeline. His knuckles are
bruised and his shirt is bloody, but
he's no worse for wear. What do you say
Jim, did you learn what you needed to
know?
JIM KENNINGS
I'll say I did, Mr Tweed. I'm ready for
the trivia round.
A LOUD BUZZING SOUND IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
I never would have guessed it, but you
know what that sound means. Jim Kennings
has pleased The Executive yet again, and
will be receiving another Panache Point!
That may be a new record! Instead of
improving on that house and lifestyle,
we're going to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE RETURNS.
JIM KENNINGS
That's fine with me Mr Tweed, I didn't
want to live in this land of sodomites
anyway.
LOUD BUZZING SOUND AGAIN
DICK TWEED
I personally don't care for that sort of
opinion Jim, but it seems The Executive
loves it. We'd better move on to trivia
time before we have to give you MY job!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
(Somberly)
All right folks at home, as you can see
the Head of Judgment has passed this
stack of cards to me to ask Mr Kennings
here about the life of audience member
13B, who I am told did not survive the
interrogation round. Our thoughts and
prayers go out to his surviving
relatives. I want to let you folks at
home know that they will be receiving an
all-expense paid weekend trip to Sea
World in beautiful San Antonio, a brand
new Scion xB, and the Raise the Stakes
home game to enjoy for years to come.
JIM KENNINGS
Rest assured that I will be praying for
them.
DICK TWEED
That's sweet to say, Jim. Now, let's get
60 seconds on the clock, it's time to
start the game!
TICKING SOUND AND TENSE MUSIC STARTS.
DICK TWEED
What was the name of audience member
13B?
JIM KENNINGS
Stanley Tucci!
DICK TWEED
What was his profession?
JIM KENNINGS
He was a professional character actor.
DICK TWEED
What was he doing here tonight?
JIM KENNINGS
Relatives from out of town were
visiting. He had never seen the show but
he pulled in a favor from one of the
producers and got tickets because he
knew it was their favorite. That's why
he was able to get seats in the second
row. He regretted coming.
PANACHE POINTS BUZZING SOUND.
DICK TWEED
More info than you needed to give Jim,
but that doesn't matter because The
Executive liked it! Mr Tucci played the
villain in a 1993 film about a wisecracking team of ex-spies who just want
to raise their baby together, but the
evil Muerte will not let them. What is
the name of this film?
JIM KENNINGS
I know this only because of the
interrogation. I would never watch such
a secular film. Mr Tucci was very clear
to me though that the movie was called
Undercover Blues.
DICK TWEED
Correct! In this young adult film from
2013, the son of Poseidon and his
friends embark on a quest to find the
mythical Golden Fleece, and Stanley
Tucci played the god of wine and
merriment.
JIM KENNINGS
Mr Tweed, I know the answer to this
question but I refuse to acknowledge any
other Gods but mine, so I will use my
pass.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. A DIFFERENT BUZZER THAN THE PANACHE
POINTS ONE PLAYS.
DICK TWEED
All right then Jim, time is up. The
Judgment Panel is totting up your
points, taking those two Panache Points
into consideration, so let's talk about
your life away from Raise the Stakes
some more. You were saying before the
show that you like to travel?
JIM KENNING
Sort of, Mr Tweed. I enjoyed my mission
for my church quite a lot before
college. I went to Ecuador and baptized
17 people, 4 of whom willingly!
DICK TWEED
That's quite the accomplishment. Here we
are, the Head of Judgment is passing me
your scorecard for the trivia round.
RUSTLING PAPER, DRUMROLL.
DICK TWEED
My my, that's quite the accomplishment.
It's time to RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
DICK TWEED
You're skipping ahead quite a lot, Mr
Kennings. You got 5 questions right
including your free pass, so you're
going up 5 steps on the Raise The Stakes
ladder! As you can see on this chart
here, that means you're going over Mayor
of Los Angeles, over State Senator, over
Governor of California, over President
of the United States, and straight to
King of the World!
WILD APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
That's right ladies and gentlemen of the
world, say hello to Emperor Jim Kennings
the First of that name, may he live for
all eternity. You could go home to Salt
Lake City right now Jim and lead the
planet Earth until the end of your days
or another contestant challenges your
title, or you could go on to the final
round of the show. To be honest, I'm not
really sure where we'd go from here.
Usually folks are happy with the house
and car.
JIM KENNINGS
Mr Tweed, I'm going on to the final
round.
GASPS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
(Gravely)
Have it your way, Jim. The final round
is the Physical Challenge. You'll have
to make your way through mud and flames
and dangerous animals on your way to the
ultimate prize. I will have to confer
with the Judgment Panel to even know
what your prize could be, but you can
bet your life that prize will RAISE THE
STAKES!
WILD APPLAUSE.
JIM KENNINGS
I'm ready Mr Tweed, let's do this.
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER SOUNDS.
DICK TWEED
Uh...Mr...Mr Executive...are you sure
you want to do this?
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER RINGS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED
But sir, we're already in to record
breaking territory! There isn't even
room on the chart for anythi...
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES.
DICK TWEED
(Shaken)
Uh...All right. You heard it folks, The
Executive wants us to RAISE THE STAKES
even more!
APESHIT AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Fred, you take it from here, I need to
go talk to the Judgment Panel.
FRED WALSH
All right Dick. What an exciting round,
folks! Our new emperor Jim Kennings,
praise be unto him, has opted to submit
himself to the Physical Challenge. As
you can see, we have a course laid out
for him with many obstacles for him to
overcome. As our lord and king, I am
sure he will prevail, but the challenges
in his way are the mud pit filled with
poisonous vipers, the hot coal and
flaming ring ordeal, the cage of tigers,
the treacherous greased metal bar
ascension, and the zipline to the
Winner's Circle overlooking the Judgment
Panel.
SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPERS.
FRED WALSH
I am receiving word that only one
contestant has ever braved the physical
challenge before. Marsha Stevens of
Jacksonville Florida took her chances on
it last season, and succumbed to the
venom of vipers almost immediately.
AUDIENCE CHEERS. MUSIC AMPS UP.
FRED WALSH
Ah, that music can mean only one thing
ladies and gentlemen. Jim Kennings is
ready to begin the challenge!
A BELL RINGS. TENSE MUSIC PLAYS. SOUNDS OF SQUELCHING MUD
ARE HEARD. SOME GRUNTS FROM JIM KENNINGS.
FRED WALSH
He's making his way through the snake
pit quickly, it seems the vipers must
all be out viping vindows!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. SIZZLING SOUNDS, MORE JIM GRUNTS.
FRED WALSH
I can't believe it ladies and gentlemen,
if I didn't know you were right there
with me seeing the whole thing I
wouldn't believe my own eyes. He is
passing over the coals so quickly they
don't seem to have time to burn his
feet!
JIM KENNINGS
Hup!
FRED WALSH
And there he goes, up and through the
flaming ring! He's barely smoking! His
hair has been singed off, but there are
no flames on his person!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. METAL SCRAPING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY ANIMAL
GROWLING.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Such gamesmanship! I never would have
thought of it!
AUDIENCE SCREAMING, ANIMAL GROWLING
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
(Excitedly)
Our Emperor, Jim Kennings, hallowed be
his name, has opened the door of the
tiger cage and is hiding behind it,
releasing the tigers to feed upon the
audience! This really raised the stakes,
ladies and gentlemen. I've never been so
happy to be up here in the soundbooth,
away from all of the action. Now that
the cage is empty and the tigers are
occupied, he is running through the cage
and out the other side, making straight
for the metal bars. Wait, why is he
stopping in the cage? He is stooping
down...he seems to have picked something
up...Can we get a close-up please? Oh, I
see, he has rubbed his hands with tiger
dung.
SMATTERING APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS NOT BEING
ATTACKED.
FRED WALSH
I understand now. He's making his way up
the greased metal bars fairly quickly,
using the meaty friction of tiger
excrement.
METAL CLANGING.
FRED WALSH
It seems the animal control experts have
managed to sedate all of the tigers with
minimal loss of audience members.
Emperor Kennings is surely a benevolent
and generous ruler. He has made his way
to the top! The only thing standing in
his way from untold glory the likes of
which this television program has never
seen is a 200 foot zipline with no
harnesses or nets, just his hands and
upper body strength keeping him from
falling to an agonizing death. If I
thought any of us could tear our eyes
away from this scene I would ask you to
bow your heads in prayer, but keep your
eyes on your screens ladies and
gentlemen, here he goes!
A WHIZZING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY A LOUD LANDING SOUND AND
FLOURISH FROM A BAND.
FRED WALSH
(Yelling Excitedly)
He's done it! Ladies and gentlemen,
home audiences around the world, our
king and keeper Jim Kennings has made
the perilous zipline journey and now
stands before the Judgment Panel,
disheveled and muddy, with dirty hands
but a champion's heart! What could a man
given the world possibly win? I give you
now your host once more, Dick Tweed!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. HEAVY BREATHING FROM JIM KENNINGS.
DICK TWEED
Ladies and gentlemen, after tense
discussion between myself, the judgment
panel, and Mr Executive himself, we have
come to a decision on this amazing
victory. I don't know how well Emperor
Kennings will take the news, but it's
time to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Jim Kennings, you've already won the
entire world. I hope you will show a
humble citizen such as myself mercy when
I tell you that our ruling on winning
the Physical Challenge after becoming
King of the World is...GODHOOD!
AUDIENCE GASPS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You were a godly man during your time on
Earth, but now you must ascend to the
heavens and become that great I Am, our
Lord and Savior, Jim Kennings!
WILD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. DRUIDIC CHANTING IS HEARD
IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE JIM AND DICK TALK.
JIM KENNINGS
(With lots of reverb)
Fear not, thou good and faithful game
show host. I was a godly man on Earth,
but there is no sacrilege in ascending
to Godhood.
DICK TWEED
But wait, there's more! Let's RAISE THE
STAKES!
AUDIENCE GASPS FOLLOWED BY WILD APPLAUSE. THUNDER STRIKES.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You heard that Panache Point buzzer
before the physical challenge! That
means we double the round!
JIM KENNINGS
But Dick, I don't understand, what is
beyond Godhood?
DICK TWEED
Beyond the realm of man's knowledge and
beyond the limits of reality, the Old
Ones have slept, silent and senseless,
for more eternities than can be numbered
or rightfully be thought to exist!
Tonight, we're going to RAISE THE
STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, MIXED WITH INTENSIFIED DRUIDIC CHANTING.
DICK TWEED
That's right, Jim Kennings! You have won
entrance into the ranks of the Great Old
Ones, incomprehensible to the human
mind! You will be larger than the
universe, more powerful than any God,
and beyond our mortal recognition! RAISE
THE STAKES!
CHANTING INTENSIFIES EVEN MORE, THEN STOPS SUDDENLY WHEN
THERE IS A LOUD POPPING SOUND.
DICK TWEED
Well, there he goes, ladies and
gentlemen. We need to take a quick break
to get the Physical Challenge reset and
bring some new living audience members
in here. We'll be back after this break
with your second contestant, Tip
Swinden. You come on back now.
APPLAUSE AND THEME SONG FADE IN TO DIFFERENT BACKGROUND
MUSIC AS FRED WALSH READS THE SECOND AD.
FRED WALSH
Did you once yell at a pharmacist at
Walgreens about your vicodin
prescription that you REALLY NEED and
you aren't SOME KIND OF JUNKIE, and now
you're too embarrassed to show your face
in there any more? Do you like the
concept of a drug store, but want the
items inside of it to be arranged in a
slightly different way? Are you sick of
cosmetic counter ladies following you
around and asking lots of nosy questions
about the nail polish you just put in
your purse? Would you have to cross the
street to go to another pharmacy and
you'd really rather not? Then I have
great news, friends and neighbors, CVS
Pharmacy is just what you've been
looking for! I mean, let's be honest
with each other here, drug stores are
all the same, so if it's any more
convenient in any way, why NOT pick CVS?
We're right there, across the street. We
YEARN to fill your prescriptions and
sell you candy bars for 3 times what
they're worth. It makes our hearts ache
when we see you step inside that pit of
villainy across the street. Walgreens
can never love you like we love you. We
know you. Come back home to us at CVS.
WE COME BACK TO THE THEME SONG AND AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
We're back! I hope you're ready for
more, because here we go! Let's RAISE
THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
That was quite a first round, wouldn't
you say folks?
AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Our next contestant is Tip Swinden, a
model train enthus....
TIP SWINDEN
Roll the dice.
DICK TWEED
What's that, Tip?
TIP SWINDEN
I want to roll the dice like the last
man did. He won a lot of things for
rolling the dice very fast, so I want to
roll the dice.
AUDIENCE GASPS.
FRED WALSH
Dick...I'm getting word from The
Executive...he isn't happy with Mr
Swinden, Dick.
DICK TWEED
Well, you heard the man Tip, Jim
Kennings won big being excited to play,
but you can't just ride his coat tails
in to Panache Points.
TIP SWINDEN
That isn't fair. The other man won a lot
by being rude and jumping ahead. I want
to win a lot. I want a house and I want
to be God.
THE SAD TROMBONE SOUND OR A FOGHORN OR SOMETHING PLAYS.
DICK TWEED
Uh-oh Tip, you've really made The
Executive angry. You've received double
reverse AntiMoxy points. We'd better get
you rolling before you lose any more.
TIP SWINDEN
Don't you want to hear about my trains?
I also have many more children than most
people have. And if I don't get more
better prizes I would like to spin the
wheel, the odds for dice rolling are
very bad.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
I'm sorry Tip, you already chose the
dice, so let's see that roll.
DICE ROLLING SOUND. AUDIENCE GASPS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Oh no, you hate to see that come up. As
you folks at home all know, double
threes are the worst possible roll here
on Raise the Stakes.
TIP SWINDEN
This isn't fair, I wanted to spin the
wheel.
DICK TWEED
It was your choice, Tip. Double threes
would take you back from $100, past
$10,000, and straight to negative
$25,000. As the rules you agreed to
clearly state, you are now in debt to
Raise the Stakes $25,000. Then we factor
in your double reverse AntiMoxy points,
and it seems you will now be evicted
from your home, and the studio owns your
car.
TIP SWINDEN
This isn't fair! I wanted to spin!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
DICK TWEED
Oh come on Tip, it's not so bad! There's
still plenty of show for you to RAISE
THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
TIP SWINDEN
All right, interrogation I guess.
SAD TROMBONE.
DICK TWEED
Now now Tip, we've been over this, you
can't just say the things the previous
contestant said and expect to win in
exactly the same way. That's no way to
earn Panache Points.
AUDIENCE BOOS.
DICK TWEED
Besides, you said "interrogation", not
"audience interrogation", so our
security team will be whisking you away
for questioning in the interrogation
room now.
SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE, AND GROANING FROM TIP SWINDEN.
DICK TWEED
No time for a full commercial, how about
a quick word from a sponsor, Fred?
FRED WALSH
Any time is a great time to hear from
our sponsors, Dick! Tonight Raise the
Stakes is brought to you by Rite Aid
Pharmacies! Rite Aid: If for some reason
you don't want to go to Walgreens or
CVS, or your local WalMart doesn't have
a pharmacy, or there is literally no
other possible place for you to go, why
not go to Rite Aid? Rite Aid: With us,
it's personal.
DICK TWEED
What a great message, Fred. All right,
the security team is wheeling Mr Swinden
back on to the stage in a wheelchair
provided to us by the good folks at Rite
Aid, as a matter of fact. How are you
feeling, Tip?
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
All right, I am being passed a stack of
cards from the Judgment Panel full of
information we've found out about you
during the interrogation round. Are you
ready?
TIP SWINDEN
(A wet, toothless moan)
DICK TWEED
(with a chuckle)
Let's begin then! Put 60 seconds on the
clock, it's time for the trivia round!
TICKING SOUND AND TENSE MUSIC PLAYS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
What did you have for breakfast this
morning?
TIP SWINDEN
(sobs)
DICK TWEED
We'll have to go to the Judges on that
one. Question 2, where do you keep your
most prized possession?
TIP SWINDEN
(Very slurred but comprehensible)
I don't want to tell you that.
DICK TWEED
Is that your pass then?
TIP SWINDEN
Yes, pass.
DICK TWEED
All right, which of your nine children
do you love the most?
TIP SWINDEN
Pass.
DICK TWEED
Ah ah ah, you've already used your pass
Tip, the double pass penalty means we've
reached the end of the trivia round. The
Judgment Panel is bringing your score...
AUDIENCE CHEERS, DRUMROLL SOUNDS.
DICK TWEED
With a score of zero out of five
questions answered correctly tonight,
things are not looking good, Tip. Let's
see, that takes you down quite a
lot...Your family will be disowning you,
your pets will be given to other, more
loving homes with nicer houses and will
forget you even existed within the
month, you will be infected with
leprosy, and your name will be
considered a curse by anyone who hears
it hereafter. Tip Swinden,
THE AUDIENCE BOOS LOUDLY.
FRED WALSH
Whoa there Dick, watch the language.
This is a family show.
DICK TWEED
I'd like to apologize to my viewing
audience. Ahem, contestant number two,
would you like to take what you've won
tonight and get on with your life, or
would you like to try the Physical
Challenge round? If you do, we will wait
on your leprosy infection until after
you've completed the obstacle course. I
have to remind you though, if you fail
you will surely die.
TIP SWINDEN
I will take the Physical Challenge,
Dick.
AUDIENCE CHEERS. PANACHE POINTS BUZZER IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
You heard that, contestant! You've
finally made The Executive happy! Of
course, at this stage in the game,
doubling could be a real problem if you
lose, but I think you could really turn
your bad luck streak around!
FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE AUDIENCE CHEERS AS HARD FOR TIP
SWINDEN AS THEY DID FOR JIM KENNINGS.
DICK TWEED
Way to go, contestant! They're loving
you! Let's get to it, and RAISE THE
STAKES! Take it away Fred!
FRED WALSH
Gladly, Dick! As you folks at home can
see, the Physical Challenge obstacle
course has been reset and restocked from
the history-making run made by Jim
Kennings, that great unthinkable being
so far beyond our understanding. The
vipers are ready to bite, the fire is
ready to burn, the tigers are ready to
pounce, the bars are ready to slip, and
the zipline is ready to fall. The
contestant, whose name is painful to my
ears, has made his way to the beginners
circle. A pox be unto him.
BEGINNING BELL IS HEARD.
FRED WALSH
And he's off! He jumps in to the viper's
pit and is sloshing his way through!
SOUND OF SNAKES HISSING LOUDLY, AUDIENCE CHEERING
FRED WALSH
His arms seem to be heavy with biting
snakes, but he is making his way
through. There he goes, out of the pit!
The obstacle crew are ripping the snakes
off of his body to keep them contained
in the pit. They don't seem to want to
see a repeat of the earlier run!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He's made it to the coals...
AUDIENCE GASPS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Oh my, he has...it seems the contestant
has tripped and fallen, but he is
continuing...he is crawling through the
fiery coals. He has reached the flaming
ring and...Ladies and gentlemen,
contestant number two is shimmying up
the pole of the flaming ring. He let
himself fall through the other side, and
he is rolling on the floor of the course
outside of the coals, putting out the
fire that has engulfed him. Will he be
able to stand to brave the tiger's cage?
THE AUDIENCE GIVES A CHEER.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He did it! He made it to his feet! I
could almost say this contestant's name
without wanting to vomit! He is
approaching the tiger's cage, flanked by
members of the obstacle crew to make
sure none of the tigers escape.
METAL CREAKING SOUND.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He is inside the cage, but the tigers
are not paying any attention to him!
Either they've had their fill of
audience members, or they don't like
cooked meat, but either way they don't
seem to be interested in our contestant.
He's at the door, but he will have to
get that tiger in front of the exit to
move if he wants to get out. My god, is
he? He is! He's shoving the tiger bodily
out of the way to get to the door!
AUDIENCE CHEERS, ONE TIGER GROWL.
FRED WALSH
Well, he almost made it through without
a scratch, until he got one. A scratch,
that is. Or more of a gash really. He is
bleeding quite a lot from his thigh. He
has made his way to the greased bars and
is making his way up, fairly quickly for
a man as full of poison and with burns
covering his entire body and a huge
tiger claw mark on his leg. I would like
to TIP my hat to him. Please note that
while I was making a roguish joke, and
it could be considered off-color, I did
not technically use his name to refer to
him, so please do not send any letters
to the FCC.
A METAL CLANGING SOUND.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Wow, he lost his grip for a moment there
and fell several yards, but caught
himself by the groin on those metal
bars. Usually we try not to resort to
such base and common humor on Raise The
Stakes, but when it actually happens
there isn't anything you can do about
it. The simple fact of the matter is
that that real ball-cruncher of a fall
saved this contestant's life just now.
He has continued his climb. I can't even
imagine the single-mindedness required
to continue on after the injuries he's
sustained. If he makes it through this
ordeal, I would think the Judgment Panel
and our beloved Mr Executive will reward
him beyond his wildest imagination.
WILD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He's made it to the top, and the
audience couldn't be happier for him!
What is that he's doing? He's raised
himself up on the girders of the tower
and...Oh, I understand. He hooked his
elbows around the bars of the zipline.
His hands must be ruined after crawling
through the coals and climbing the
tower. Grabbing the bar with his arms
has gotten the zipline moving, there he
goes.
WHIZZING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY A MEATY CLUMP AS HE FALLS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen, he was almost
there. He almost made it to the winner's
circle. He fell. He must surely be dead.
But...Wait...He is crawling again!
SCREAMS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND CHEERING.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He was only a short way from the
winner's circle, and he's made it! He's
climbing the twelve feet or so...and
there! He slumped himself over the edge
and rolled in to the center of the star.
His breath is coming in great gulping
gasps, I can see it from here. His arms
are inflamed with viper bites, his leg
is still losing blood in lazy spurts,
his skin is blackened with burns and
ash, but he has made it to the end! We
go now to Dick Tweed, it's time to RAISE
THE STAKES!
THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD. THE THEME SONG PLAYS BRIEFLY. IT
DIES DOWN AND AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE WHISPERING SOUND IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
Wow, that was something, wasn't it
ladies and gentlemen?
SCREAMS, CHEERS, AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
He made it to the end, there's no taking
that away from him. The Executive has
decreed this, contestant: Your name is
no longer a curse! Congratulations, Tip
Swinden!
MORE RAUCOUS APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Unfortunately, he has also decided that
falling from the zipline before making
it to the winner's circle does NOT count
as a real win.
AUDIENCE BOOS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Now now, folks, we've got to have rules!
This is the best game show in the
country! This is RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
So, taking in to account your loss on
the Physical Challenge, Tip, and your
Panache Points that would double your
prize, and your previous standings, it's
time to RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE CHEERS, TIP SWINDEN TRIES TO TALK OVER THEM.
TIP SWINDEN
No, No, just kill me, or let me do the
challenge again, I don't care, this is
crazy...
DICK TWEED
That's no way to talk, Tip, don't be a
sore loser. Your prize tonight,
considering the gravity of the losses
you've racked up, is a total dissolution
of our plane of existence!
AUDIENCE WAILS, DRUIDIC CHANTING RETURNS.
DICK TWEED
And if you think about it, that's an
even bigger win for our first contestant
this evening, the Old One beyond our
universe, Jim Kennings! As a being of
solidified madness in a plane of hate,
tearing apart our vision of reality
would be the biggest jackpot imaginable!
That guy broke all the records tonight,
and there won't be any more records
after this, so congratulations Jim
Kennings, and good bye ladies and
gentlemen! Hold your family close as
reality drifts apart around you.
AUDIENCE CHEERS, INTENSE CHANTING, THE THEME MUSIC PLAYS.
FRED WALSH
O Absalom, thank you for tuning in
tonight to RAISE THE STAKES! Guests of
the program stay at the Hyatt Regency
Hotel. O Discordia! This program was
filmed in front of a live studio
audience, and almost 85% survived the
taping. Well, for a few minutes, anyway.
No animals were hurt in the making of
this program, except for a few vipers.
Vipers are not good animals, you
shouldn't worry about them. In these
final moments, worry only for
yourselves. All hail the Great Mad Old
Ones, all hail Jim Kennings.
DURING THESE CLOSING STATEMENTS, THE AUDIO WARPS AND THEN
FADES OUT.
CUE AUDIO CREDITS OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THE EPISODE.
PLAYING. FRED WALSH IS SLIGHTLY DISTORTED WHEN COMPARED TO
THE OTHER VOICES TO SHOW HE IS THE ANNOUNCER IN A SOUND
BOOTH, SEPERATE FROM THE ACTION.
FRED WALSH
Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome
to RAISE THE STAKES, your pulse
pounding, teeth clenching adrenaline
rush! Every week we raise the stakes on
what you thought was possible in a game
show and this episode will be no
different! Tonight we will meet Tip
Swinden, a model train enthusiast and
father of 9 from Middle Northsure,
Kansas, and Jim Kennings, a food
scientist from Salt Lake City, Utah. I'm
Fred Walsh, join me in saying hello to
your host, Dick Tweed!
LOUD APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Thank you everybody, and thank you Fred
Walsh. Welcome to Raise the Stakes!
That's right folks, I'm Dick Tweed, and
I couldn't be any happier about it.
AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER AT HEARING MR TWEED'S FAMOUS
CATCHPHRASE, BUT HE CONTINUES OVER THIS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
This week, like every week, the jackpots
are unimaginable and the challenges
nearly indescribable, but I will do my
best. Besides, you all know how it's
played by now! We've got two great
contestants tonight, so let's get right
to it. Our first lucky competitor is Jim
Kennings. Let's all say hello to the
man!
MORE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
JIM KENNINGS
Hello Mr. Tweed, I'd like to roll to
begin with.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
Whoa whoa whoa Jim! Hold your horses!
Let the folks get to know you first.
JIM KENNINGS
Oh, I'm sorry about that Mr Tweed, I'm
just so excited to get started.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Call me Dick, Jim. And of course you're
excited! The folks at home would all
like to get to know you a little before
we begin. I heard from Fred a moment ago
that you're a food scientist, is that
right? Do you have any creations out
there we may have tasted?
JIM KENNINGS
Well, a lot of my work never makes it
out of the focus testing phase, but if
you've ever had a grey-flavored soda I
played a big part in that. I was also
part of the team that invented the
value-sized french fry during the
recession. I'd say that was the most
famous thing I've worked on.
DICK TWEED
The fries are small, but the idea was
big! What an accomplishment! And I see
you're from Salt Lake City?
JIM KENNINGS
That's right Mr Tweed. I am a devout
Mormon.
DICK TWEED
Hie to Kolob.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
All right then, usually in the first
round you'd have the choice between
spinning the wheel, answering a trivia
question, or rolling the dice but since
you've already chosen it's straight to
the dice.
FRED WALSH
Dick, The Executive says Jim gets
Panache Points for choosing so soon.
DICK TWEED
That choice paid off for you big time,
Jim! The Executive really took a liking
to you! Of course we all know what
Panache Points mean, so this roll is
suddenly much more important. They skip
you right ahead from a roll for $100 up
2 slots to a roll for $10,000!
JIM KENNINGS
Oh my stars! I can't believe my luck!
DICK TWEED
Well then here you are Jim, give it a
good hard roll and see where you end up.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. THE SOUND OF DICE SHAKING AND RATTLING
AROUND. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
The Executive had the right idea about
you, Jim! I can't believe it, a pair of
ones, exactly what you're looking for on
a first roll. You know what that means,
it's time to RAISE THE STAKES!
THE AUDIENCE GOES ABSOLUTELY APESHIT.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
That roll would have been worth $10,000,
but double ones takes you up two more
notches. You don't win $10,000, you
don't win $25,000, you win your own home
right here in sunny California, tax
free, free and clear! How does it feel,
Jim? Are you ready to move the family
out here?
JIM KENNINGS
Oh heavens no, I wouldn't bring my
family to this Godless Gomorrah. I"ll
have to sell the house. I'm feeling a
little shaky for round two though, so I
think I will be interrogating an
audience member.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
Come on Jim, calling the game before I
have the chance to ask you again? Yes,
home audience, now is when I'd usually
remind you that round two is the
lightning round where Jim would have to
survive several bolts of lightning while
regaling our Judgment Panel with
embarrassing stories from his childhood,
but instead he will be spending our
commercial break interrogating a random
member of our studio audience. Who will
that be, Fred?
BEEP BOOP NOISES LIKE IN "PRESS YOUR LUCK", THEN
SUDDENLY STOP.
FRED WALSH
Tonight's audience interrogation random
participant is the person sitting in
seat 13B, Dick, 13B.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. THE THEME SONG STARTS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED
Alright, security is whisking away the
man in seat 13B. As you can see, Jim has
had a black bag placed over his head and
is being escorted to the interrogation
room, but of course you'd never hear a
peep of protest from that Raise the
Stakes pro. We'll be back in two and
two, after this word from our sponsors.
APPLAUSE AND THE THEME SONG FADE OUT, AND ARE REPLACED BY
BACKGROUND MUSIC AS FRED WALSH READS THE AD COPY.
FRED WALSH
When you need to fill a prescription,
find an over the counter remedy when
you're feeling ill, or get just the
right shade of lipstick for the big
date, where can you turn? Walgreens has
been helping folks like you with
problems like these for more than 100
years. Sure, you may have to hunt a
salesclerk down in order to pay when it
would be so much easier to just walk out
the door instead, but once you do snatch
a hold of one they will be sure to
recite to you all the corporate
catchphrases you've grown to love as
they ring up your items. With over 1000
easy to use locations right across the
street from a Rite Aid or CVS, it's
simple to be well at Walgreens! Stop in
today!
APPLAUSE AND THEME SONG RETURNS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Welcome back to Raise the Stakes! Here's
your host, Dick Tweed!
DICK TWEED
I don't think they'd have forgotten
already, Fred.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Jim Kennings has made quite the killing
in round one, skipping straight to the
big prize, a California dream home. Here
he is now, fresh from his audience
interrogation lifeline. His knuckles are
bruised and his shirt is bloody, but
he's no worse for wear. What do you say
Jim, did you learn what you needed to
know?
JIM KENNINGS
I'll say I did, Mr Tweed. I'm ready for
the trivia round.
A LOUD BUZZING SOUND IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
I never would have guessed it, but you
know what that sound means. Jim Kennings
has pleased The Executive yet again, and
will be receiving another Panache Point!
That may be a new record! Instead of
improving on that house and lifestyle,
we're going to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE RETURNS.
JIM KENNINGS
That's fine with me Mr Tweed, I didn't
want to live in this land of sodomites
anyway.
LOUD BUZZING SOUND AGAIN
DICK TWEED
I personally don't care for that sort of
opinion Jim, but it seems The Executive
loves it. We'd better move on to trivia
time before we have to give you MY job!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
(Somberly)
All right folks at home, as you can see
the Head of Judgment has passed this
stack of cards to me to ask Mr Kennings
here about the life of audience member
13B, who I am told did not survive the
interrogation round. Our thoughts and
prayers go out to his surviving
relatives. I want to let you folks at
home know that they will be receiving an
all-expense paid weekend trip to Sea
World in beautiful San Antonio, a brand
new Scion xB, and the Raise the Stakes
home game to enjoy for years to come.
JIM KENNINGS
Rest assured that I will be praying for
them.
DICK TWEED
That's sweet to say, Jim. Now, let's get
60 seconds on the clock, it's time to
start the game!
TICKING SOUND AND TENSE MUSIC STARTS.
DICK TWEED
What was the name of audience member
13B?
JIM KENNINGS
Stanley Tucci!
DICK TWEED
What was his profession?
JIM KENNINGS
He was a professional character actor.
DICK TWEED
What was he doing here tonight?
JIM KENNINGS
Relatives from out of town were
visiting. He had never seen the show but
he pulled in a favor from one of the
producers and got tickets because he
knew it was their favorite. That's why
he was able to get seats in the second
row. He regretted coming.
PANACHE POINTS BUZZING SOUND.
DICK TWEED
More info than you needed to give Jim,
but that doesn't matter because The
Executive liked it! Mr Tucci played the
villain in a 1993 film about a wisecracking team of ex-spies who just want
to raise their baby together, but the
evil Muerte will not let them. What is
the name of this film?
JIM KENNINGS
I know this only because of the
interrogation. I would never watch such
a secular film. Mr Tucci was very clear
to me though that the movie was called
Undercover Blues.
DICK TWEED
Correct! In this young adult film from
2013, the son of Poseidon and his
friends embark on a quest to find the
mythical Golden Fleece, and Stanley
Tucci played the god of wine and
merriment.
JIM KENNINGS
Mr Tweed, I know the answer to this
question but I refuse to acknowledge any
other Gods but mine, so I will use my
pass.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. A DIFFERENT BUZZER THAN THE PANACHE
POINTS ONE PLAYS.
DICK TWEED
All right then Jim, time is up. The
Judgment Panel is totting up your
points, taking those two Panache Points
into consideration, so let's talk about
your life away from Raise the Stakes
some more. You were saying before the
show that you like to travel?
JIM KENNING
Sort of, Mr Tweed. I enjoyed my mission
for my church quite a lot before
college. I went to Ecuador and baptized
17 people, 4 of whom willingly!
DICK TWEED
That's quite the accomplishment. Here we
are, the Head of Judgment is passing me
your scorecard for the trivia round.
RUSTLING PAPER, DRUMROLL.
DICK TWEED
My my, that's quite the accomplishment.
It's time to RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
DICK TWEED
You're skipping ahead quite a lot, Mr
Kennings. You got 5 questions right
including your free pass, so you're
going up 5 steps on the Raise The Stakes
ladder! As you can see on this chart
here, that means you're going over Mayor
of Los Angeles, over State Senator, over
Governor of California, over President
of the United States, and straight to
King of the World!
WILD APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
That's right ladies and gentlemen of the
world, say hello to Emperor Jim Kennings
the First of that name, may he live for
all eternity. You could go home to Salt
Lake City right now Jim and lead the
planet Earth until the end of your days
or another contestant challenges your
title, or you could go on to the final
round of the show. To be honest, I'm not
really sure where we'd go from here.
Usually folks are happy with the house
and car.
JIM KENNINGS
Mr Tweed, I'm going on to the final
round.
GASPS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
(Gravely)
Have it your way, Jim. The final round
is the Physical Challenge. You'll have
to make your way through mud and flames
and dangerous animals on your way to the
ultimate prize. I will have to confer
with the Judgment Panel to even know
what your prize could be, but you can
bet your life that prize will RAISE THE
STAKES!
WILD APPLAUSE.
JIM KENNINGS
I'm ready Mr Tweed, let's do this.
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER SOUNDS.
DICK TWEED
Uh...Mr...Mr Executive...are you sure
you want to do this?
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER RINGS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED
But sir, we're already in to record
breaking territory! There isn't even
room on the chart for anythi...
PANACHE POINTS BUZZER RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES.
DICK TWEED
(Shaken)
Uh...All right. You heard it folks, The
Executive wants us to RAISE THE STAKES
even more!
APESHIT AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Fred, you take it from here, I need to
go talk to the Judgment Panel.
FRED WALSH
All right Dick. What an exciting round,
folks! Our new emperor Jim Kennings,
praise be unto him, has opted to submit
himself to the Physical Challenge. As
you can see, we have a course laid out
for him with many obstacles for him to
overcome. As our lord and king, I am
sure he will prevail, but the challenges
in his way are the mud pit filled with
poisonous vipers, the hot coal and
flaming ring ordeal, the cage of tigers,
the treacherous greased metal bar
ascension, and the zipline to the
Winner's Circle overlooking the Judgment
Panel.
SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPERS.
FRED WALSH
I am receiving word that only one
contestant has ever braved the physical
challenge before. Marsha Stevens of
Jacksonville Florida took her chances on
it last season, and succumbed to the
venom of vipers almost immediately.
AUDIENCE CHEERS. MUSIC AMPS UP.
FRED WALSH
Ah, that music can mean only one thing
ladies and gentlemen. Jim Kennings is
ready to begin the challenge!
A BELL RINGS. TENSE MUSIC PLAYS. SOUNDS OF SQUELCHING MUD
ARE HEARD. SOME GRUNTS FROM JIM KENNINGS.
FRED WALSH
He's making his way through the snake
pit quickly, it seems the vipers must
all be out viping vindows!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. SIZZLING SOUNDS, MORE JIM GRUNTS.
FRED WALSH
I can't believe it ladies and gentlemen,
if I didn't know you were right there
with me seeing the whole thing I
wouldn't believe my own eyes. He is
passing over the coals so quickly they
don't seem to have time to burn his
feet!
JIM KENNINGS
Hup!
FRED WALSH
And there he goes, up and through the
flaming ring! He's barely smoking! His
hair has been singed off, but there are
no flames on his person!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. METAL SCRAPING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY ANIMAL
GROWLING.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Such gamesmanship! I never would have
thought of it!
AUDIENCE SCREAMING, ANIMAL GROWLING
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
(Excitedly)
Our Emperor, Jim Kennings, hallowed be
his name, has opened the door of the
tiger cage and is hiding behind it,
releasing the tigers to feed upon the
audience! This really raised the stakes,
ladies and gentlemen. I've never been so
happy to be up here in the soundbooth,
away from all of the action. Now that
the cage is empty and the tigers are
occupied, he is running through the cage
and out the other side, making straight
for the metal bars. Wait, why is he
stopping in the cage? He is stooping
down...he seems to have picked something
up...Can we get a close-up please? Oh, I
see, he has rubbed his hands with tiger
dung.
SMATTERING APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS NOT BEING
ATTACKED.
FRED WALSH
I understand now. He's making his way up
the greased metal bars fairly quickly,
using the meaty friction of tiger
excrement.
METAL CLANGING.
FRED WALSH
It seems the animal control experts have
managed to sedate all of the tigers with
minimal loss of audience members.
Emperor Kennings is surely a benevolent
and generous ruler. He has made his way
to the top! The only thing standing in
his way from untold glory the likes of
which this television program has never
seen is a 200 foot zipline with no
harnesses or nets, just his hands and
upper body strength keeping him from
falling to an agonizing death. If I
thought any of us could tear our eyes
away from this scene I would ask you to
bow your heads in prayer, but keep your
eyes on your screens ladies and
gentlemen, here he goes!
A WHIZZING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY A LOUD LANDING SOUND AND
FLOURISH FROM A BAND.
FRED WALSH
(Yelling Excitedly)
He's done it! Ladies and gentlemen,
home audiences around the world, our
king and keeper Jim Kennings has made
the perilous zipline journey and now
stands before the Judgment Panel,
disheveled and muddy, with dirty hands
but a champion's heart! What could a man
given the world possibly win? I give you
now your host once more, Dick Tweed!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. HEAVY BREATHING FROM JIM KENNINGS.
DICK TWEED
Ladies and gentlemen, after tense
discussion between myself, the judgment
panel, and Mr Executive himself, we have
come to a decision on this amazing
victory. I don't know how well Emperor
Kennings will take the news, but it's
time to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Jim Kennings, you've already won the
entire world. I hope you will show a
humble citizen such as myself mercy when
I tell you that our ruling on winning
the Physical Challenge after becoming
King of the World is...GODHOOD!
AUDIENCE GASPS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You were a godly man during your time on
Earth, but now you must ascend to the
heavens and become that great I Am, our
Lord and Savior, Jim Kennings!
WILD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. DRUIDIC CHANTING IS HEARD
IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE JIM AND DICK TALK.
JIM KENNINGS
(With lots of reverb)
Fear not, thou good and faithful game
show host. I was a godly man on Earth,
but there is no sacrilege in ascending
to Godhood.
DICK TWEED
But wait, there's more! Let's RAISE THE
STAKES!
AUDIENCE GASPS FOLLOWED BY WILD APPLAUSE. THUNDER STRIKES.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You heard that Panache Point buzzer
before the physical challenge! That
means we double the round!
JIM KENNINGS
But Dick, I don't understand, what is
beyond Godhood?
DICK TWEED
Beyond the realm of man's knowledge and
beyond the limits of reality, the Old
Ones have slept, silent and senseless,
for more eternities than can be numbered
or rightfully be thought to exist!
Tonight, we're going to RAISE THE
STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, MIXED WITH INTENSIFIED DRUIDIC CHANTING.
DICK TWEED
That's right, Jim Kennings! You have won
entrance into the ranks of the Great Old
Ones, incomprehensible to the human
mind! You will be larger than the
universe, more powerful than any God,
and beyond our mortal recognition! RAISE
THE STAKES!
CHANTING INTENSIFIES EVEN MORE, THEN STOPS SUDDENLY WHEN
THERE IS A LOUD POPPING SOUND.
DICK TWEED
Well, there he goes, ladies and
gentlemen. We need to take a quick break
to get the Physical Challenge reset and
bring some new living audience members
in here. We'll be back after this break
with your second contestant, Tip
Swinden. You come on back now.
APPLAUSE AND THEME SONG FADE IN TO DIFFERENT BACKGROUND
MUSIC AS FRED WALSH READS THE SECOND AD.
FRED WALSH
Did you once yell at a pharmacist at
Walgreens about your vicodin
prescription that you REALLY NEED and
you aren't SOME KIND OF JUNKIE, and now
you're too embarrassed to show your face
in there any more? Do you like the
concept of a drug store, but want the
items inside of it to be arranged in a
slightly different way? Are you sick of
cosmetic counter ladies following you
around and asking lots of nosy questions
about the nail polish you just put in
your purse? Would you have to cross the
street to go to another pharmacy and
you'd really rather not? Then I have
great news, friends and neighbors, CVS
Pharmacy is just what you've been
looking for! I mean, let's be honest
with each other here, drug stores are
all the same, so if it's any more
convenient in any way, why NOT pick CVS?
We're right there, across the street. We
YEARN to fill your prescriptions and
sell you candy bars for 3 times what
they're worth. It makes our hearts ache
when we see you step inside that pit of
villainy across the street. Walgreens
can never love you like we love you. We
know you. Come back home to us at CVS.
WE COME BACK TO THE THEME SONG AND AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
We're back! I hope you're ready for
more, because here we go! Let's RAISE
THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
That was quite a first round, wouldn't
you say folks?
AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Our next contestant is Tip Swinden, a
model train enthus....
TIP SWINDEN
Roll the dice.
DICK TWEED
What's that, Tip?
TIP SWINDEN
I want to roll the dice like the last
man did. He won a lot of things for
rolling the dice very fast, so I want to
roll the dice.
AUDIENCE GASPS.
FRED WALSH
Dick...I'm getting word from The
Executive...he isn't happy with Mr
Swinden, Dick.
DICK TWEED
Well, you heard the man Tip, Jim
Kennings won big being excited to play,
but you can't just ride his coat tails
in to Panache Points.
TIP SWINDEN
That isn't fair. The other man won a lot
by being rude and jumping ahead. I want
to win a lot. I want a house and I want
to be God.
THE SAD TROMBONE SOUND OR A FOGHORN OR SOMETHING PLAYS.
DICK TWEED
Uh-oh Tip, you've really made The
Executive angry. You've received double
reverse AntiMoxy points. We'd better get
you rolling before you lose any more.
TIP SWINDEN
Don't you want to hear about my trains?
I also have many more children than most
people have. And if I don't get more
better prizes I would like to spin the
wheel, the odds for dice rolling are
very bad.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
I'm sorry Tip, you already chose the
dice, so let's see that roll.
DICE ROLLING SOUND. AUDIENCE GASPS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Oh no, you hate to see that come up. As
you folks at home all know, double
threes are the worst possible roll here
on Raise the Stakes.
TIP SWINDEN
This isn't fair, I wanted to spin the
wheel.
DICK TWEED
It was your choice, Tip. Double threes
would take you back from $100, past
$10,000, and straight to negative
$25,000. As the rules you agreed to
clearly state, you are now in debt to
Raise the Stakes $25,000. Then we factor
in your double reverse AntiMoxy points,
and it seems you will now be evicted
from your home, and the studio owns your
car.
TIP SWINDEN
This isn't fair! I wanted to spin!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
DICK TWEED
Oh come on Tip, it's not so bad! There's
still plenty of show for you to RAISE
THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
TIP SWINDEN
All right, interrogation I guess.
SAD TROMBONE.
DICK TWEED
Now now Tip, we've been over this, you
can't just say the things the previous
contestant said and expect to win in
exactly the same way. That's no way to
earn Panache Points.
AUDIENCE BOOS.
DICK TWEED
Besides, you said "interrogation", not
"audience interrogation", so our
security team will be whisking you away
for questioning in the interrogation
room now.
SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE, AND GROANING FROM TIP SWINDEN.
DICK TWEED
No time for a full commercial, how about
a quick word from a sponsor, Fred?
FRED WALSH
Any time is a great time to hear from
our sponsors, Dick! Tonight Raise the
Stakes is brought to you by Rite Aid
Pharmacies! Rite Aid: If for some reason
you don't want to go to Walgreens or
CVS, or your local WalMart doesn't have
a pharmacy, or there is literally no
other possible place for you to go, why
not go to Rite Aid? Rite Aid: With us,
it's personal.
DICK TWEED
What a great message, Fred. All right,
the security team is wheeling Mr Swinden
back on to the stage in a wheelchair
provided to us by the good folks at Rite
Aid, as a matter of fact. How are you
feeling, Tip?
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
All right, I am being passed a stack of
cards from the Judgment Panel full of
information we've found out about you
during the interrogation round. Are you
ready?
TIP SWINDEN
(A wet, toothless moan)
DICK TWEED
(with a chuckle)
Let's begin then! Put 60 seconds on the
clock, it's time for the trivia round!
TICKING SOUND AND TENSE MUSIC PLAYS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
What did you have for breakfast this
morning?
TIP SWINDEN
(sobs)
DICK TWEED
We'll have to go to the Judges on that
one. Question 2, where do you keep your
most prized possession?
TIP SWINDEN
(Very slurred but comprehensible)
I don't want to tell you that.
DICK TWEED
Is that your pass then?
TIP SWINDEN
Yes, pass.
DICK TWEED
All right, which of your nine children
do you love the most?
TIP SWINDEN
Pass.
DICK TWEED
Ah ah ah, you've already used your pass
Tip, the double pass penalty means we've
reached the end of the trivia round. The
Judgment Panel is bringing your score...
AUDIENCE CHEERS, DRUMROLL SOUNDS.
DICK TWEED
With a score of zero out of five
questions answered correctly tonight,
things are not looking good, Tip. Let's
see, that takes you down quite a
lot...Your family will be disowning you,
your pets will be given to other, more
loving homes with nicer houses and will
forget you even existed within the
month, you will be infected with
leprosy, and your name will be
considered a curse by anyone who hears
it hereafter. Tip Swinden,
THE AUDIENCE BOOS LOUDLY.
FRED WALSH
Whoa there Dick, watch the language.
This is a family show.
DICK TWEED
I'd like to apologize to my viewing
audience. Ahem, contestant number two,
would you like to take what you've won
tonight and get on with your life, or
would you like to try the Physical
Challenge round? If you do, we will wait
on your leprosy infection until after
you've completed the obstacle course. I
have to remind you though, if you fail
you will surely die.
TIP SWINDEN
I will take the Physical Challenge,
Dick.
AUDIENCE CHEERS. PANACHE POINTS BUZZER IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
You heard that, contestant! You've
finally made The Executive happy! Of
course, at this stage in the game,
doubling could be a real problem if you
lose, but I think you could really turn
your bad luck streak around!
FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE AUDIENCE CHEERS AS HARD FOR TIP
SWINDEN AS THEY DID FOR JIM KENNINGS.
DICK TWEED
Way to go, contestant! They're loving
you! Let's get to it, and RAISE THE
STAKES! Take it away Fred!
FRED WALSH
Gladly, Dick! As you folks at home can
see, the Physical Challenge obstacle
course has been reset and restocked from
the history-making run made by Jim
Kennings, that great unthinkable being
so far beyond our understanding. The
vipers are ready to bite, the fire is
ready to burn, the tigers are ready to
pounce, the bars are ready to slip, and
the zipline is ready to fall. The
contestant, whose name is painful to my
ears, has made his way to the beginners
circle. A pox be unto him.
BEGINNING BELL IS HEARD.
FRED WALSH
And he's off! He jumps in to the viper's
pit and is sloshing his way through!
SOUND OF SNAKES HISSING LOUDLY, AUDIENCE CHEERING
FRED WALSH
His arms seem to be heavy with biting
snakes, but he is making his way
through. There he goes, out of the pit!
The obstacle crew are ripping the snakes
off of his body to keep them contained
in the pit. They don't seem to want to
see a repeat of the earlier run!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He's made it to the coals...
AUDIENCE GASPS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Oh my, he has...it seems the contestant
has tripped and fallen, but he is
continuing...he is crawling through the
fiery coals. He has reached the flaming
ring and...Ladies and gentlemen,
contestant number two is shimmying up
the pole of the flaming ring. He let
himself fall through the other side, and
he is rolling on the floor of the course
outside of the coals, putting out the
fire that has engulfed him. Will he be
able to stand to brave the tiger's cage?
THE AUDIENCE GIVES A CHEER.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He did it! He made it to his feet! I
could almost say this contestant's name
without wanting to vomit! He is
approaching the tiger's cage, flanked by
members of the obstacle crew to make
sure none of the tigers escape.
METAL CREAKING SOUND.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He is inside the cage, but the tigers
are not paying any attention to him!
Either they've had their fill of
audience members, or they don't like
cooked meat, but either way they don't
seem to be interested in our contestant.
He's at the door, but he will have to
get that tiger in front of the exit to
move if he wants to get out. My god, is
he? He is! He's shoving the tiger bodily
out of the way to get to the door!
AUDIENCE CHEERS, ONE TIGER GROWL.
FRED WALSH
Well, he almost made it through without
a scratch, until he got one. A scratch,
that is. Or more of a gash really. He is
bleeding quite a lot from his thigh. He
has made his way to the greased bars and
is making his way up, fairly quickly for
a man as full of poison and with burns
covering his entire body and a huge
tiger claw mark on his leg. I would like
to TIP my hat to him. Please note that
while I was making a roguish joke, and
it could be considered off-color, I did
not technically use his name to refer to
him, so please do not send any letters
to the FCC.
A METAL CLANGING SOUND.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Wow, he lost his grip for a moment there
and fell several yards, but caught
himself by the groin on those metal
bars. Usually we try not to resort to
such base and common humor on Raise The
Stakes, but when it actually happens
there isn't anything you can do about
it. The simple fact of the matter is
that that real ball-cruncher of a fall
saved this contestant's life just now.
He has continued his climb. I can't even
imagine the single-mindedness required
to continue on after the injuries he's
sustained. If he makes it through this
ordeal, I would think the Judgment Panel
and our beloved Mr Executive will reward
him beyond his wildest imagination.
WILD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He's made it to the top, and the
audience couldn't be happier for him!
What is that he's doing? He's raised
himself up on the girders of the tower
and...Oh, I understand. He hooked his
elbows around the bars of the zipline.
His hands must be ruined after crawling
through the coals and climbing the
tower. Grabbing the bar with his arms
has gotten the zipline moving, there he
goes.
WHIZZING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY A MEATY CLUMP AS HE FALLS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen, he was almost
there. He almost made it to the winner's
circle. He fell. He must surely be dead.
But...Wait...He is crawling again!
SCREAMS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND CHEERING.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
He was only a short way from the
winner's circle, and he's made it! He's
climbing the twelve feet or so...and
there! He slumped himself over the edge
and rolled in to the center of the star.
His breath is coming in great gulping
gasps, I can see it from here. His arms
are inflamed with viper bites, his leg
is still losing blood in lazy spurts,
his skin is blackened with burns and
ash, but he has made it to the end! We
go now to Dick Tweed, it's time to RAISE
THE STAKES!
THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD. THE THEME SONG PLAYS BRIEFLY. IT
DIES DOWN AND AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE WHISPERING SOUND IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
Wow, that was something, wasn't it
ladies and gentlemen?
SCREAMS, CHEERS, AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DICK TWEED
He made it to the end, there's no taking
that away from him. The Executive has
decreed this, contestant: Your name is
no longer a curse! Congratulations, Tip
Swinden!
MORE RAUCOUS APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Unfortunately, he has also decided that
falling from the zipline before making
it to the winner's circle does NOT count
as a real win.
AUDIENCE BOOS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Now now, folks, we've got to have rules!
This is the best game show in the
country! This is RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AGAIN.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
So, taking in to account your loss on
the Physical Challenge, Tip, and your
Panache Points that would double your
prize, and your previous standings, it's
time to RAISE THE STAKES!
AUDIENCE CHEERS, TIP SWINDEN TRIES TO TALK OVER THEM.
TIP SWINDEN
No, No, just kill me, or let me do the
challenge again, I don't care, this is
crazy...
DICK TWEED
That's no way to talk, Tip, don't be a
sore loser. Your prize tonight,
considering the gravity of the losses
you've racked up, is a total dissolution
of our plane of existence!
AUDIENCE WAILS, DRUIDIC CHANTING RETURNS.
DICK TWEED
And if you think about it, that's an
even bigger win for our first contestant
this evening, the Old One beyond our
universe, Jim Kennings! As a being of
solidified madness in a plane of hate,
tearing apart our vision of reality
would be the biggest jackpot imaginable!
That guy broke all the records tonight,
and there won't be any more records
after this, so congratulations Jim
Kennings, and good bye ladies and
gentlemen! Hold your family close as
reality drifts apart around you.
AUDIENCE CHEERS, INTENSE CHANTING, THE THEME MUSIC PLAYS.
FRED WALSH
O Absalom, thank you for tuning in
tonight to RAISE THE STAKES! Guests of
the program stay at the Hyatt Regency
Hotel. O Discordia! This program was
filmed in front of a live studio
audience, and almost 85% survived the
taping. Well, for a few minutes, anyway.
No animals were hurt in the making of
this program, except for a few vipers.
Vipers are not good animals, you
shouldn't worry about them. In these
final moments, worry only for
yourselves. All hail the Great Mad Old
Ones, all hail Jim Kennings.
DURING THESE CLOSING STATEMENTS, THE AUDIO WARPS AND THEN
FADES OUT.
CUE AUDIO CREDITS OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THE EPISODE.
