Side Effects
Content
SIDE EFFECTS
by Woody Allen
___________________________
Copyright © 1975, 1976, 1977,
1979, 1980 by Woody Allen
ISBN 0!"5!"!!5#
$ir%t B&ll&ntine Boo'% (d)n* Septe+ber 1981
$i,teenth -rinting* Septe+ber 1991
eBoo' %.&nned/proo,ed by Bin0iped 121304
Contents
Remembering Needleman
The Condemned
By Destiny Denied
The UFO Menace
My Apology
The Kugelmass pisode
My !peech to the "raduates
The Diet
The #unatic$s Tale
Reminiscences% &laces and &eople
Ne'arious Times (e #i)e *n
A "iant !tep 'or Man+ind
The !hallo,est Man
The -uery
Fabri.io$s% Criticism and Response
Retribution
Con'essions o' a Burglar
Remembering
Needleman
I5 6AS B((N ,o7r 0ee'% &nd it i% %till h&rd ,or +e to belie2e S&ndor
Needle+&n i% de&d3 I 0&% pre%ent &t the .re+&tion &nd &t hi% %on)% re87e%t,
bro7ght the +&r%h+&llo0%, b7t ,e0 o, 7% .o7ld thin' o, &nything b7t o7r
p&in3
Needle+&n 0&% .on%t&ntly ob%e%%ing o2er hi% ,7ner&l pl&n% &nd on.e
told +e, 9I +7.h pre,er .re+&tion to b7ri&l in the e&rth, &nd both to &
0ee'end 0ith :r%3 Needle+&n39 In the end, he .ho%e to h&2e hi+%el,
.re+&ted &nd don&ted hi% &%he% to the ;ni2er%ity o, 6eidelberg, 0hi.h
%.&ttered the+ to the ,o7r 0ind% &nd got & depo%it on the 7rn3
I .&n %till %ee hi+ 0ith hi% .r7+pled %7it &nd grey %0e&ter3 -reo..7pied
0ith 0eighty +&tter%, he ,re87ently 0o7ld ,orget to re+o2e the .o&t h&nger
,ro+ hi% <&.'et 0hile he 0ore it3 I re+inded hi+ o, it one ti+e &t & -rin.eton
Co++en.e+ent &nd he %+iled .&l+ly &nd %&id,
9=ood, let tho%e 0ho h&2e t&'en I%%7e 0ith +y theorie% thin' &t le&%t
th&t I h&2e bro&d %ho7lder%39 50o d&y% l&ter he 0&% .o++itted to Belle27e
,or doing & %7dden b&.' %o+er%&7lt in the +id%t o, & .on2er%&tion 0ith
Str&2in%'y3
Needle+&n 0&% not &n e&%ily 7nder%tood +&n3 6i% reti.en.e 0&%
+i%t&'en ,or .oldne%%, b7t he 0&% .&p&ble o, gre&t .o+p&%%ion, &nd &,ter
0itne%%ing & p&rti.7l&rly horrible +ine di%&%ter on.e, he .o7ld not ,ini%h &
%e.ond helping o, 0&,,le%3 6i% %ilen.e, too, p7t people o,,, b7t he ,elt %pee.h
0&% & ,l&0ed +ethod o, .o++7ni.&tion &nd he pre,erred to hold e2en hi%
+o%t inti+&te .on2er%&tion% 0ith %ign&l ,l&g%3
When he 0&% di%+i%%ed ,ro+ the ,&.7lty o, Col7+bi& ;ni2er%ity ,or hi%
.ontro2er%y 0ith the then he&d o, the %.hool, >0ight (i%enho0er, he 0&ited
,or the reno0ned e?gener&l 0ith & .&rpet be&ter &nd pelted hi+ 7ntil (i%en
ho0er r&n ,or .o2er into & toy %tore3 @5he t0o +en h&d & bitter p7bli. di%&
gree+ent o2er 0hether the .l&%% bell %ign&led the end o, & period or the
beginning o, ¬her3A
Needle+&n h&d &l0&y% hoped to die & 87iet de&th3 9A+id%t +y boo'%
&nd p&per% li'e +y brother Boh&nn39 @Needle+&n)% brother h&d %7,,o.&ted
7nder & rolltop de%' 0hile %e&r.hing ,or hi% rhy+ing di.tion&ry3A
Who 0o7ld h&2e tho7ght th&t 0hile Needle+&n 0o7ld be 0&t.hing the
de+olition o, & b7ilding on hi% l7n.h ho7r, he 0o7ld be t&pped in the he&d
by & 0re.'ing b&llC 5he blo0 .&7%ed +&%%i2e %ho.' &nd Needle+&n e?pired
0ith & bro&d %+ile3 6i% l&%t, enig+&ti. 0ord% 0ere, 9No th&n'%, I &lre&dy
o0n & peng7in39
A% &l0&y%, &t the ti+e o, Needle+&n)% de&th he 0&% &t 0or' on %e2er&l
thing%3 6e 0&% .re&ting &n (thi.%, b&%ed on hi% theory th&t 9good &nd <7%t
beh&2ior i% not only +ore +or&l b7t .o7ld be done by phone39 Al%o, he 0&%
h&l,0&y thro7gh & ne0 %t7dy o, %e+&nti.%, pro2ing @&% he %o 2iolently
in%i%tedA th&t %enten.e %tr7.t7re i% inn&te b7t th&t 0hining i% &.87ired3
$in&lly, yet ¬her boo' on the 6olo.&7%t3 5hi% one 0ith .7to7t%3
Needle+&n h&d &l0&y% been ob%e%%ed by the proble+ o, e2il &nd &rg7ed
87ite elo87ently th&t tr7e e2il 0&% only po%%ible i, it% perpetr&tor 0&% n&+ed
Bl&.'ie or -ete3 6i% o0n ,lirt&tion 0ith N&tion&l So.i&li%+ .&7%ed & %.&nd&l
in &.&de+i. .ir.le%, tho7gh de%pite e2erything ,ro+ gy+n&%ti.% to d&n.e
le%%on%, he .o7ld not +&%ter the goo%e %tep3
N&Di%+ 0&% ,or hi+ +erely & re&.tion &g&in%t &.&de+i. philo%ophy, &
po%ition he &l0&y% &tte+pted to i+pre%% on ,riend% &nd then 0o7ld gr&b &t
their ,&.e% 0ith ,eigned e?.ite+ent &nd %&y, 9Ah&E =ot yo7r no%e39 It i% e&%y
to .riti.iDe hi% po%ition on 6itler &t ,ir%t, b7t one +7%t t&'e into &..o7nt hi%
o0n philo%ophi.&l 0riting%3 6e h&d re<e.ted .onte+por&ry ontology &nd
in%i%ted th&t +&n e?i%ted prior to in,inity tho7gh not 0ith too +&ny option%3
6e di,,erenti&ted bet0een e?i%ten.e &nd (?i%ten.e, &nd 'ne0 one 0&%
pre,er&ble, b7t .o7ld ne2er re+e+ber 0hi.h3 67+&n ,reedo+ ,or
Needle+&n .on%i%ted o, being &0&re o, the &b%7rdity o, li,e3 9=od i% %ilent,9
he 0&% ,ond o, %&ying, 9no0 i, 0e .&n only get :&n to %h7t 7p39
A7thenti. Being, re&%oned Needle+&n, .o7ld only be &.hie2ed on
0ee'end% &nd e2en then it re87ired the borro0ing o, & .&r3 :&n, &..ording
to Needle+&n, 0&% not & 9thing9 &p&rt ,ro+ n&t7re, b7t 0&% in2ol2ed 9in
n&t7re,9 &nd .o7ld not ob%er2e hi% o0n e?i%ten.e 0itho7t ,ir%t pretending to
be indi,,erent &nd then r7nning &ro7nd to the oppo%ite end o, the roo+
87i.'ly in the hope% o, gli+p%ing hi+%el,3
6i% ter+ ,or the li,e pro.e%% 0&% Angst Zeit, loo%ely +e&ning An?iety
5i+e &nd %7gge%ted +&n 0&% & .re&t7re doo+ed to e?i%t in 9ti+e9 e2en
tho7gh th&t 0&% not 0here the &.tion 0&%3 A,ter +7.h re,le.tion, Needle
+&n)% intelle.t7&l integrity .on2in.ed hi+ th&t he didn)t e?i%t, hi% ,riend%
didn)t e?i%t, &nd the only thing th&t 0&% re&l 0&% hi% IF; to the b&n' ,or %i?
+illion +&r'%3 6en.e, he 0&% .h&r+ed by the N&tion&l So.i&li%t)% philo
%ophy o, po0er, or &% Needle+&n p7t it, 9I h&2e the 'ind o, eye% th&t &re %et
o,, by & bro0n %hirt39 A,ter it be.&+e &pp&rent th&t N&tion&l So.i&li%+ 0&%
<7%t the type o, +en&.e th&t Needle+&n %tood &g&in%t, he ,led Berlin3
>i%g7i%ed &% & b7%h &nd +o2ing %ide0&y% only, three 87i.' p&.e% &t & ti+e,
he .ro%%ed the border 0itho7t being noti.ed3
(2ery0here in (7rope Needle+&n 0ent, %t7dent% &nd intelle.t7&l% 0ere
e&ger to help hi+, &0ed by hi% rep7t&tion3 Fn the r7n, he ,o7nd ti+e to
p7bli%h Time, Essence, and Reality: A Systematic Reevaluation of
Nothingness &nd hi% delight,7l lighter tre&ti%e, The Best Places to Eat While
in Hiding Ch&i+ WeiD+&nn &nd :&rtin B7ber too' 7p & .olle.tion &nd
obt&ined %igned petition% to per+it Needle+&n to e+igr&te to the ;nited
St&te%, b7t &t the ti+e the hotel o, hi% .hoi.e 0&% ,7ll3 With =er+&n %oldier%
+in7te% ,ro+ hi% hideo7t in -r&g7e, Needle+&n de.ided to .o+e to A+eri.&
&,ter &ll, b7t & %.ene o..7rred &t the &irport 0hen he 0&% o2er0eight 0ith hi%
l7gg&ge3 Albert (in%tein, 0ho 0&% on th&t %&+e ,light, e?pl&ined to hi+ th&t
i, he 0o7ld <7%t re+o2e the %hoe tree% ,ro+ hi% %hoe% he .o7ld t&'e e2ery
thing3 5he t0o ,re87ently .orre%ponded &,ter th&t3 (in%tein on.e 0rote hi+,
9Go7r 0or' &nd +y 0or' &re 2ery %i+il&r <ho7gh I)+ %till not e?&.tly %7re
0h&t yo7r 0or' i%39
Fn.e in A+eri.&, Needle+&n 0&% r&rely o7t o, p7bli. .ontro2er%y3 6e
p7bli%hed hi% ,&+o7%, Non!E"istence: What To #o $f $t Suddenly St%i&es
'ou Al%o the .l&%%i. 0or' on ling7i%ti. philo%ophy, Semantic (odes of
Non!Essential )unctioning, 0hi.h 0&% +&de into the hit +o2ie, They )le*
By Night
5ypi.&lly, he 0&% &%'ed to re%ign ,ro+ 6&r2&rd be.&7%e o, hi% &,,ili&tion
0ith the Co++7ni%t p&rty3 6e ,elt only in & %y%te+ 0ith no e.ono+i.
ine87&lity .o7ld there be re&l ,reedo+ &nd .ited &% the +odel %o.iety &n &nt
,&r+3 6e .o7ld ob%er2e &nt% ,or ho7r% &nd 7%ed to +7%e 0i%t,7lly, 95hey)re
tr7ly h&r+onio7%3 I, only their 0o+en 0ere prettier they)d h&2e it +&de39
Intere%tingly, 0hen Needle+&n 0&% .&lled by the 6o7%e ;nA+eri.&n
A.ti2itie% Co++ittee, he n&+ed n&+e% &nd <7%ti,ied it to hi% ,riend% by
.iting hi% philo%ophy* 9-oliti.&l &.tion% h&2e no +or&l .on%e87en.e% b7t
e?i%t o7t%ide o, the re&l+ o, tr7e Being39 $or on.e the &.&de+i. .o++7nity
%tood .h&%tened &nd it 0&% not 7ntil 0ee'% l&ter th&t the ,&.7lty &t -rin.eton
de.ided to t&r &nd ,e&ther Needle+&n3 Needle+&n, in.ident&lly, 7%ed thi%
%&+e re&%oning to <7%ti,y hi% .on.ept o, ,ree lo2e, b7t neither o, t0o yo7ng
.oed% 0o7ld b7y it &nd the %i?teenye&rold ble0 the 0hi%tle on hi+3
Needle+&n 0&% p&%%ion&te &bo7t the h<ing o, n7.le&r te%ting &nd ,le0
to Ho% Al&+o%, 0here he &nd %e2er&l %t7dent% re,7%ed to re+o2e the+%el2e%
,ro+ the %ite o, & %.hed7led &to+i. deton&tion3 A% +in7te% ti.'ed o,, &nd it
be.&+e &pp&rent the te%t 0o7ld pro.eed &% pl&nned, Needle+&n 0&% he&rd
to +7tter, 9;hoh,9 &nd +&de & r7n ,or it3 Wh&t the ne0%p&per% did not print
0&% th&t he h&d not e&ten &ll d&y3
It i% e&%y to re+e+ber the p7bli. Needle+&n3 Brilli&nt, .o++itted, the
&7thor o, Styles of (odes B7t it i% the pri2&te Needle+&n I 0ill &l0&y%
,ondly re.&ll, the S&ndor Needle+&n 0ho 0&% ne2er 0itho7t %o+e ,&2orite
h&t3 Indeed, he 0&% .re+&ted 0ith & h&t on3 A ,ir%t, I belie2e3 Fr the
Needle+&n 0ho lo2ed W< >i%ney +o2ie% %o p&%%ion&tely &nd 0ho, de%pite
l7.id e?pl&n&tion% o, &ni+&tion by :&? -l&n.', .o7ld not be di%%7&ded ,ro+
p7tting in & per%ontoper%on .&ll to :innie :o7%e3
When Needle+&n 0&% %t&ying &t +y ho7%e &% & g7e%t, I 'ne0 he li'ed &
p&rti.7l&r br&nd o, t7n& ,i%h3 I %to.'ed the g7e%t 'it.hen 0ith it3 6e 0&% too
%hy to &d+it hi% ,ondne%% ,or it to +e, b7t on.e, thin'ing he 0&% &lone,
opened e2ery .&n &nd +7%ed, 9Go7 &re &ll +y .hildren39
At the oper& in :il&n 0ith +y d&7ghter &nd +e, Needle+&n le&ned o7t
o, hi% bo? &nd ,ell into the or.he%tr& pit3 5oo pro7d to &d+it it 0&% &
+i%t&'e, he &ttended the oper& e2ery night ,or & +onth &nd repe&ted it e&.h
ti+e3 Soon he de2eloped & +ild br&in .on.7%%ion3 I pointed o7t th&t he .o7ld
%top ,&lling &% hi% point h&d been +&de3 6e %&id, 9No3 A ,e0 +ore ti+e%3 It)%
re&lly not %o b&d39
I re+e+ber Needle+&n)% %e2entieth birthd&y3 6i% 0i,e bo7ght hi+
p&<&+&%3 Needle+&n 0&% ob2io7%ly di%&ppointed &% he h&d hinted ,or & ne0
:er.ede%3 Still, it i% the +&r' o, the +&n th&t he retired to the %t7dy &nd h&d
hi% t&ntr7+ pri2&tely3 6e reentered the p&rty %+iling &nd 0ore the p&<&+&%
to the opening night o, t0o %hort pl&y% by Ar&bel3
The Condemned
BIISS(A; WAS ASH((- in the +oonlight3 Hying on hi% b&.' in bed, 0ith hi%
,&t %to+&.h <7tting into the &ir &nd hi% +o7th ,or+ing &n in&ne %+ile, he
&ppe&red to be %o+e 'ind o, in&ni+&te ob<e.t, li'e & l&rge ,ootb&ll or t0o
ti.'et% to the oper&3 A +o+ent l&ter, 0hen he rolled o2er &nd the +oonlight
%ee+ed to %tri'e hi+ ,ro+ & di,,erent &ngle, he loo'ed e?&.tly li'e & t0enty
%e2enpie.e %t&rter %et o, %il2er0&re, .o+plete 0ith %&l&d bo0l &nd %o7p
t7reen3
6e)% dre&+ing, Clo87et tho7ght, &% he %tood o2er hi+, re2ol2er in h&nd3
He+s dre&+ing, &nd I e?i%t in re&lity3 Clo87et h&ted re&lity b7t re&liDed it 0&%
%till the only pl&.e to get & good %te&'3 6e h&d ne2er t&'en & h7+&n li,e
be,ore3 5r7e, he h&d on.e %hot & +&d dog, b7t only &,ter it h&d been .erti,ied
&% +&d by & te&+ o, p%y.hi&tri%t%3 @5he dog 0&% di&gno%ed &% +&ni.
depre%%i2e &,ter it h&d tried to bite o,, Clo87et)% no%e &nd then .o7ld not %top
l&7ghing3A
In hi% dre&+, Bri%%e&7 0&% on & %7nlit be&.h &nd r7nning <oyo7%ly
to0&rd hi% +other)% o7t%tret.hed &r+%, b7t <7%t &% he beg&n to e+br&.e the
0eeping greyh&ired 0o+&n, %he t7rned into t0o %.oop% o, 2&nill& i.e
.re&+3 Bri%%e&7 +o&ned &nd Clo87et lo0ered the re2ol2er3 6e h&d entered
thro7gh the 0indo0 &nd %tood poi%ed o2er Bri%%e&7 ,or +ore th&n t0o
ho7r%, 7n&ble to p7ll the trigger3 Fn.e, he h&d e2en .o.'ed the h&++er &nd
pl&.ed the +7DDle o, the g7n right in Bri%%e&7)% le,t e&r3 5hen there 0&% &
%o7nd &t the door, &nd Clo87et le&ped behind the b7re&7, le&2ing the pi%tol
%ti.'ing o7t o, Bri%%e&7)% e&r3
:&d&+e Bri%%e&7, 0ho 0&% 0e&ring & ,lo0ered b&throbe, entered the
roo+, t7rned on & %+&ll l&+p, &nd noti.ed the 0e&pon protr7ding %tr&ight 7p
o7t o, the %ide o, her h7%b&nd)% he&d3 Al+o%t +&tern&lly, %he %ighed &nd
re+o2ed it, pl&.ing it be%ide the pillo03 She t7.'ed in & loo%e .orner o, the
87ilt, %n&pped o,, the l&+p, &nd le,t3
Clo87et, 0ho h&d ,&inted, &0o'e &n ho7r l&ter3 $or one p&ni.'y +o+ent,
he i+&gined he 0&% & .hild &g&in, b&.' on the Ii2ier&, b7t &,ter ,i,teen
+in7te% 0ent by &nd he %&0 no to7ri%t% it .&+e to hi+ th&t he 0&% %till
behind Bri%%e&7)% .he%t o, dr&0er%3 6e ret7rned to the bed, %eiDed the pi%tol,
&nd &g&in pointed it &t Bri%%e&7)% he&d, b7t he 0&% %till 7n&ble to %87eeDe o,,
the %hot th&t 0o7ld end the li,e o, the in,&+o7% $&%.i%t in,or+er3
=&%ton Bri%%e&7 .&+e ,ro+ & 0e<hy, right0ing ,&+ily, &nd de.ided
e&rly in li,e to be.o+e & pro,e%%ion&l in,or+er3 A% & yo7ng +&n, he too'
%pee.h le%%on% %o th&t he .o7ld in,or+ +ore .le&rly3 Fn.e, he h&d .on,e%%ed
to Clo87et, 9=od, I en<oy t&ttling on people39
9B7t 0hyC9 Clo87et %&id3
9I don)t 'no03 =etting the+ in >7t.h, %87e&ling39
Bri%%e&7 r&tted on hi% ,riend% ,or the p7re %&'e o, it, Clo87et tho7ght3
;nredee+&ble e2ilE Clo87et h&d on.e 'no0n &n Algeri&n 0ho lo2ed
%+&.'ing people on the b&.' o, the he&d &nd then %+iling &nd denying it3 It
%ee+ed the 0orld 0&% di2ided into good &nd b&d people3 5he good one%
%lept better, Clo87et tho7ght, 0hile the b&d one% %ee+ed to en<oy the 0&'ing
ho7r% +7.h +ore3
Clo87et &nd Bri%%e&7 h&d +et ye&r% be,ore, 7nder dr&+&ti. .ir.7+
%t&n.e%3 Bri%%e&7 h&d gotten dr7n' &t the >e7? :&got% one night &nd
%t&ggered to0&rd the ri2er3 5hin'ing he 0&% &lre&dy ho+e in hi% &p&rt+ent,
he re+o2ed hi% .lothe%, b7t in%te&d o, getting into bed he got into the Seine3
When he tried to p7ll the bl&n'et% o2er hi+%el, &nd got & h&nd,7l o, 0&ter,
he beg&n %.re&+ing3 Clo87et, 0ho &t th&t +o+ent h&ppened to be .h&%ing
hi% to7pee &.ro%% the -ontNe7,, he&rd & .ry ,ro+ the i.y 0&ter3 5he night
0&% 0indy &nd d&r', &nd Clo87et h&d & %plit %e.ond to de.ide i, he 0o7ld
ri%' hi% li,e to %&2e & %tr&nger3 ;n0illing to +&'e %7.h & +o+ento7%
de.i%ion on &n e+pty %to+&.h, he 0ent to & re%t&7r&nt &nd dined3 5hen,
%tri.'en 0ith re+or%e, he p7r.h&%ed %o+e ,i%hing t&.'le &nd ret7rned to ,i%h
Bri%%e&7 o7t o, the ri2er3 At ,ir%t he tried & dry ,ly, b7t Bri%%e&7 0&% too
.le2er to bite, &nd in the end Clo87et 0&% ,or.ed to .o&? Bri%%e&7 to %hore
0ith &n o,,er o, ,ree d&n.e le%%on% &nd then l&nd hi+ 0ith & net3 While
Bri%%e&7 0&% being +e&%7red &nd 0eighed, the t0o be.&+e ,riend%3
No0 Clo87et %tepped .lo%er to Bri%%e&7)% %leeping h7l' &nd &g&in
.o.'ed the pi%tol3 A ,eeling o, n&7%e& %0ept o2er hi+ &% he .onte+pl&ted
the i+pli.&tion% o, hi% &.tion3 5hi% 0&% &n e?i%tenti&l n&7%e&, .&7%ed by hi%
inten%e &0&rene%% o, the .ontingen.y o, li,e, &nd .o7ld not be relie2ed 0ith
&n ordin&ry Al'&SeltDer3 Wh&t 0&% re87ired 0&% &n (?i%tenti&l Al'&SeltDer
J& prod7.t %old in +&ny He,t B&n' dr7g%tore%3 It 0&% &n enor+o7% pill, the
%iDe o, &n &7to+obile h7b.&p, th&t, di%%ol2ed in 0&ter, too' &0&y the 87e&%y
,eeling ind7.ed by too +7.h &0&rene%% o, li,e3 Clo87et h&d &l%o ,o7nd it
help,7l &,ter e&ting :e?i.&n ,ood3
I, I .hoo%e to 'ill Bri%%e&7, Clo87et tho7ght no0, I &+ de,ining +y%el,
&% & +7rderer3 I 0ill be.o+e Clo87et 0ho 'ill%, r&ther th&n %i+ply 0h&t I
&+* Clo87et 0ho te&.he% -%y.hology o, $o0l &t the Sorbonne3 By .hoo%ing
+y &.tion, I .hoo%e it ,or &ll +&n'ind3 B7t 0h&t i, e2eryone in the 0orld
beh&2ed li'e +e &nd .&+e here &nd %hot Bri%%e&7 thro7gh the e&rC Wh&t &
+e%%E Not to +ention the .o++otion ,ro+ the doorbell ringing &ll night3
And o, .o7r%e 0e)d need 2&let p&r'ing3 Ah, =od, ho0 the +ind boggle%
0hen it t7rn% to +or&l or ethi.&l .on%ider&tion%E Better not to thin' too
+7.h3 Iely +ore on the bodyJ the body i% +ore depend&ble3 It %ho0% 7p
,or +eeting%, it loo'% good in & %port% <&.'et, &nd 0here it re&lly .o+e% in
h&ndy i% 0hen yo7 0&nt to get & r7bdo0n3
Clo87et ,elt & %7dden need to re&,,ir+ hi% o0n e?i%ten.e, &nd loo'ed into
the +irror o2er Bri%%e&7)% b7re&73 @6e .o7ld ne2er p&%% & +irror 0itho7t
%ne&'ing & pee', &nd on.e &t & he<h .l7b he h&d %t&red &t hi% re,le.tion in &
%0i++ing pool ,or %o long th&t the +&n&ge+ent 0&% ,or.ed to dr&in it3A It
0&% no 7%e3 6e .o7ldn)t %hoot & +&n3 6e dropped the pi%tol &nd ,led3
F7t on the %treet, he de.ided to go to H& Co7pole ,or & br&ndy3 6e li'ed
H& Co7pole be.&7%e it 0&% &l0&y% bright &nd .ro0ded, &nd he .o7ld 7%7&lly
get & t&bleJ87ite & di,,eren.e ,ro+ hi% o0n &p&rt+ent, 0here it 0&% d&r'
&nd gloo+y &nd 0here hi% +other, 0ho li2ed there, too, &l0&y% re,7%ed to
%e&t hi+3 B7t tonight H& Co7pole 0&% ,illed3 Who &re &ll the%e ,&.e%,
Clo87et 0ondered3 5hey %ee+ to bl7r into &n &b%tr&.tion* 95he -eople39 B7t
there &re no people, he tho7ghtJonly indi2id7&l%3 Clo87et ,elt thi% 0&% &
brilli&nt per.eption, one th&t he .o7ld 7%e i+pre%%i2ely &t %o+e .hi. dinner
p&rty3 Be.&7%e o, ob%er2&tion% %7.h &% thi%, he h&d not been in2ited to &
%o.i&l g&thering o, &ny %ort %in.e 19!13
6e de.ided to go to B7liet)% ho7%e3
9>id yo7 'ill hi+C9 %he &%'ed &% he entered her ,l&t3
9Ge%,9 Clo87et %&id3
9Are yo7 %7re he i% de&dC9
96e %ee+ed de&d3 I did +y i+it&tion o, :&7ri.e Che2&lier, &nd it
7%7&lly get% & big h&nd3 5hi% ti+e, nothing39
9=ood3 5hen he)ll ne2er betr&y the -&rty &g&in39
B7liet 0&% & :&r?i%t, Clo87et re+inded hi+%el,3 And the +o%t intere%
ting type o, :&r?i%tJ the 'ind 0ith long, t&nned leg%3 She 0&% one o, the
,e0 0o+en he 'ne0 0ho .o7ld hold t0o di%p&r&te .on.ept% in her +ind &t
on.e, %7.h &% 6egel)% di&le.ti. &nd 0hy i, yo7 %ti.' yo7r tong7e in & +&n)%
e&r 0hile he i% +&'ing & %pee.h he 0ill %t&rt to %o7nd li'e Berry He0i%3 She
%tood be,ore hi+ no0 in & tight %'irt &nd blo7%e, &nd he 0&nted to po%%e%%
herJto o0n her the 0&y he o0ned &ny other ob<e.t, %7.h &% hi% r&dio or the
r7bber pig +&%' he h&d 0orn to h&r&%% the N&Di% d7ring the F..7p&tion3
S7ddenly he &nd B7liet 0ere +&'ing lo2eJor 0&% it +erely %e?C 6e
'ne0 there 0&% & di,,eren.e bet0een %e? &nd lo2e, b7t ,elt th&t either &.t
0&% 0onder,7l 7nle%% one o, the p&rtner% h&ppened to be 0e&ring & lob%ter
bib3 Wo+en, he re,le.ted, 0ere & %o,t, en2eloping pre%en.e3 (?i%ten.e 0&% &
%o,t, en2eloping pre%en.e, too3 So+eti+e% it en2eloped yo7 tot&lly3 5hen
yo7 .o7ld ne2er get o7t &g&in e?.ept ,or %o+ething re&lly i+port&nt, li'e
yo7r +other)% birthd&y or <7ry d7ty3 Clo87et o,ten tho7ght there 0&% & gre&t
di,,eren.e bet0een Being &nd BeingintheWorld, &nd ,ig7red th&t no
+&tter 0hi.h gro7p he belonged to the other 0&% de,initely h&2ing +ore ,7n3
6e %lept 0ell &,ter the lo2e+&'ing, &% 7%7&l, b7t the ne?t +orning, to hi%
gre&t %7rpri%e, he 0&% &rre%ted ,or the +7rder o, =&%ton Bri%%e&73
At poli.e he&d87&rter%, Clo87et prote%ted hi% inno.en.e, b7t he 0&%
in,or+ed th&t hi% ,ingerprint% h&d been ,o7nd &ll o2er Bri%%e&7)% roo+ &nd
on the re.o2ered pi%tol3 When he bro'e into Bri%%e&7)% ho7%e, Clo87et h&d
&l%o +&de the +i%t&'e o, %igning the g7e%tboo'3 It 0&% hopele%%3 5he .&%e
0&% open&nd%h7t3
5he tri&l, 0hi.h too' pl&.e o2er the ,ollo0ing 0ee'%, 0&% li'e & .ir.7%,
<ho7gh there 0&% %o+e di,,i.7lty getting the eleph&nt% into the .o7rtroo+3
At l&%t, the <7ry ,o7nd Clo87et g7ilty, &nd he 0&% %enten.ed to the g7illotine3
An &ppe&l ,or .le+en.y 0&% t7rned do0n on & te.hni.&lity 0hen it 0&%
le&rned Clo87et)% l&0yer h&d ,iled it 0hile 0e&ring & .&rdbo&rd +7%t&.he3
Si? 0ee'% l&ter, on the e2e o, hi% e?e.7tion, Clo87et %&t &lone in hi% .ell,
%till 7n&ble to belie2e the e2ent% o, the p&%t +onth%Jp&rti.7l&rly the p&rt
&bo7t the eleph&nt% in the .o7rtroo+3 By thi% ti+e the ne?t d&y, he 0o7ld be
de&d3 Clo87et h&d &l0&y% tho7ght o, de&th &% %o+ething th&t h&ppened to
other people3 9I noti.e it h&ppen% to ,&t people & lot,9 he told hi% l&0yer3 5o
Clo87et hi+%el,, de&th %ee+ed to be only ¬her &b%tr&.tion3 :en die, he
tho7ght, b7t doe% Clo87et dieC 5hi% 87e%tion p7DDled hi+, b7t & ,e0 %i+ple
line dr&0ing% on & p&d done by one o, the g7&rd% %et the 0hole thing .le&r3
5here 0&% no e2&ding it3 Soon he 0o7ld no longer e?i%t3
I 0ill be gone, he tho7ght 0i%t,7lly, b7t :&d&+e -lotni.', 0ho%e ,&.e
loo'% li'e %o+ething on the +en7 in & %e&,ood re%t&7r&nt, 0ill %till be
&ro7nd3 Clo87et beg&n to p&ni.3 6e 0&nted to r7n &nd hide, or, e2en better,
to be.o+e %o+ething %olid &nd d7r&bleJ& he&2y .h&ir, ,or in%t&n.e3 A .h&ir
h&% no proble+%, he tho7ght3 It)% thereK nobody bother% it3 It doe%n)t h&2e to
p&y rent or get in2ol2ed politi.&lly3 A .h&ir .&n ne2er %t7b it% toe or +i%
pl&.e it% e&r+7,,%3 It doe%n)t h&2e to %+ile or get & h&ir.7t, &nd yo7 ne2er
h&2e to 0orry th&t i, yo7 t&'e it to & p&rty it 0ill %7ddenly %t&rt .o7ghing or
+&'e & %.ene3 -eople <7%t %it in & .h&ir, &nd then 0hen tho%e people die other
people %it in it3 Clo87et)% logi. .o+,orted hi+, &nd 0hen the <&iler% .&+e &t
d&0n to %h&2e hi% ne.', he pretended to be & .h&ir3 When they &%'ed hi+
0h&t he 0&nted ,or hi% l&%t +e&l, he %&id, 9Go7)re &%'ing ,7rnit7re 0h&t it
0&nt% to e&tC Why not <7%t 7phol%ter +eC9 When they %t&red &t hi+, he
0e&'ened &nd %&id, 9B7%t %o+e I7%%i&n dre%%ing39
Clo87et h&d &l0&y% been &n &thei%t, b7t 0hen the prie%t, $&ther Bern&rd,
&rri2ed, he &%'ed i, there 0&% %till ti+e ,or hi+ to .on2ert3
$&ther Bern&rd %hoo' hi% he&d3 95hi% ti+e o, ye&r, I thin' +o%t o, yo7r
+&<or ,&ith% &re ,illed,9 he %&id3 9-rob&bly the be%t I .o7ld do on %7.h %hort
noti.e i% +&ybe +&'e & .&ll &nd get yo7 into %o+ething 6ind73 I)ll need &
p&%%port%iDed photogr&ph, tho7gh39
No 7%e, Clo87et re,le.ted3 I 0ill h&2e to +eet +y ,&te &lone3 5here i% no
=od3 5here i% no p7rpo%e to li,e3 Nothing l&%t%3 (2en the 0or'% o, the gre&t
Sh&'e%pe&re 0ill di%&ppe&r 0hen the 7ni2er%e b7rn% o7tJnot %7.h & terrible
tho7ght, o, .o7r%e, 0hen it .o+e% to & pl&y li'e Titus And%onicus, b7t 0h&t
&bo7t the other%C No 0onder %o+e people .o++it %7i.ideE Why not end thi%
&b%7rdityC Why go thro7gh 0ith thi% hollo0 .h&r&de .&lled li,eC Why,
e?.ept th&t %o+e0here 0ithin 7% & 2oi.e %&y%, 9Hi2e39 Al0&y%, ,ro+ %o+e
inner region, 0e he&r the .o++&nd, 9Leep li2ingE9 Clo87et re.ogniDed the
2oi.eK it 0&% hi% in%7r&n.e %&le%+&n3 N&t7r&lly, he tho7ghtJ $i%hbein
doe%n)t 0&nt to p&y o,,3
Clo87et longed to be ,reeJto be o7t o, <&il, %'ipping thro7gh &n open
+e&do03 @Clo87et &l0&y% %'ipped 0hen he 0&% h&ppy3 Indeed, the h&bit h&d
'ept hi+ o7t o, the Ar+y3A 5he tho7ght o, ,reedo+ +&de hi+ ,eel
%i+7lt&neo7%ly e?hil&r&ted &nd terri,ied3 I, I 0ere tr7ly ,ree, he tho7ght, I
.o7ld e?er.i%e +y po%%ibilitie% to the ,7lle%t3 -erh&p% I .o7ld be.o+e &
2entrilo87i%t, &% I h&2e &l0&y% 0&nted3 Fr %ho0 7p &t the Ho72re in bi'ini
7nder0e&r, 0ith & ,&'e no%e &nd gl&%%e%3
6e gre0 diDDy &% he .onte+pl&ted hi% .hoi.e% &nd 0&% &bo7t to ,&int,
0hen & <&iler opened hi% .ell door &nd told hi+ th&t the re&l +7rderer o,
Bri%%e&7 h&d <7%t .on,e%%ed3 Clo87et 0&% ,ree to go3 Clo87et %&n' to hi%
'nee% &nd 'i%%ed the ,loor o, hi% .ell3 6e %&ng the 9:&r%eill&i%e39 6e 0eptE
6e d&n.edE 5hree d&y% l&ter, he 0&% b&.' in <&il ,or %ho0ing 7p &t the
Ho72re in bi'ini 7nder0e&r, 0ith & ,&'e no%e &nd gl&%%e%3
By Destiny
Denied
,Notes fo% an eight!hund%ed!-age novelJthe .ig .oo& they+%e all *aiting
fo%/
BACL=IF;N>JSCF5HAN>, 18#!*
A +&n h&% been &rre%ted ,or %te&ling & .r7%t o, bre&d3 9I only li'e the
.r7%t,9 he e?pl&in%, &nd he i% identi,ied &% the thie, 0ho h&% re.ently terror
iDed %e2er&l .hopho7%e% by %te&ling <7%t the end .7t o, ro&%t bee,3 5he
.7lprit, Solo+on (nt0hi%tle, i% h&7led into .o7rt, &nd & %tern <7dge %enten.e%
hi+ to ,ro+ ,i2e to ten ye&r% @0hi.he2er .o+e% ,ir%tA &t h&rd l&bor3
(nt0hi%tle i% lo.'ed in & d7ngeon, &nd in &n e&rly &.t o, enlightened
penology the 'ey i% thro0n &0&y3 >e%pondent b7t deter+ined, (nt0hi%tle
begin% the &rd7o7% t&%' o, t7nnelling to ,reedo+3 :eti.7lo7%ly digging 0ith
& %poon, he t7nnel% bene&th the pri%on 0&ll%, then .ontin7e%, %poon,7l by
%poon,7l, 7nder =l&%go0 to Hondon3 6e p&7%e% to e+erge &t Hi2erpool, b7t
,ind% th&t he pre,er% the t7nnel3 Fn.e in Hondon, he %to0% &0&y &bo&rd &
,reighter bo7nd ,or the Ne0 World, 0here he dre&+% o, %t&rting li,e o2er,
thi% ti+e &% & ,rog3
Arri2ing &t Bo%ton, (nt0hi%tle +eet% :&rg&ret $igg, & .o+ely Ne0
(ngl&nd %.hoolte&.her 0ho%e %pe.i<y i% b&'ing bre&d &nd then pl&.ing it
on her he&d3 (nti.ed, (nt0hi%tle +&rrie% her, &nd the t0o open & %+&ll %tore,
tr&ding pelt% &nd 0h&le bl7bber ,or %.ri+%h&0 in &n e2erin.re&%ing .y.le o,
+e&ningle%% &.ti2ity3 5he %tore i% &n in%t&nt %7..e%%, &nd by 1850 (nt0hi%tle
i% 0e<hy, ed7.&ted, re%pe.ted, &nd .he&ting on hi% 0i,e 0ith & l&rge po%
%7+3 6e h&% t0o %on% by :&rg&ret $iggJone nor+&l, the other %i+ple
+inded, tho7gh it i% h&rd to tell the di,,eren.e 7nle%% %o+eone h&nd% the+
e&.h & yoyo3 6i% %+&ll tr&ding po%t 0ill go on to be.o+e & gi&nt +odern
dep&rt+ent %tore, &nd 0hen he die% &t eighty,i2e, ,ro+ & .o+bin&tion o,
%+&llpo? &nd & to+&h&0' in the %'7ll, he i% h&ppy3
@Note* Ie+e+ber to +&'e (nt0hi%tle li'&ble3A
Ho.&le &nd ob%er2&tion%, 1976*
W&l'ing e&%t on Alton A2en7e, one p&%%e% the Co%tello Brother%
W&reho7%e, Adel+&n)% 5&lli% Iep&ir Shop, the Chone% $7ner&l -&rlor, &nd
6igby)% -oolroo+3 Bohn 6igby, the o0ner, i% & %t7bby +&n 0ith b7%hy h&ir
0ho ,ell o,, & l&dder &t the &ge o, nine &nd re87ire% t0o d&y%) &d2&n.e noti.e
to %top grinning3 57rning north, or 97pto0n,9 ,ro+ 6igby)% @&.t7&lly, it i%
do0nto0n, &nd the re&l 7pto0n i% no0 lo.&ted .ro%%to0nA, one .o+e% to &
%+&ll green p&r'3 6ere .itiDen% %troll &nd .h&t, &nd tho7gh the pl&.e i% ,ree
o, +7gging% &nd r&pe%, one i% ,re87ently &..o%ted by p&nh&ndler% or +en
.l&i+ing to 'no0 B7li7% C&e%&r, No0 the .ool &7t7+n breeDe @'no0n here
&% the %&nt&n&, %in.e it .o+e% e2ery ye&r &t the %&+e ti+e &nd blo0% +o%t o,
the older pop7l&tion o7t o, their %hoe%A .&7%e% the l&%t le&2e% o, %7++er to
,&ll &nd dri,t into de&d he&p%3 Fne i% %tr7.' by &n &l+o%t e?i%tenti&l ,eeling
o, p7rpo%ele%%ne%%Jp&rti.7l&rly %in.e the +&%%&ge p&rlor% .lo%ed3 5here i% &
de,inite %en%e o, +et&phy%i.&l 9otherne%%,9 0hi.h .&nnot be e?pl&ined
e?.ept to %&y it)% nothing li'e 0h&t 7%7&lly goe% on in -itt%b7rgh3 5he to0n
in it% 0&y i% & +et&phor, b7t ,or 0h&tC Not only i% it & +et&phor, it)% & %i+ile3
It)% 90here it)% &t39 It)% 9no039 It)% &l%o 9l&ter39 It)% e2ery to0n in A+eri.& &nd
it)% no to0n3 5hi% .&7%e% gre&t .on,7%ion &+ong the +&il+en3 And the big
dep&rt+ent %tore i% (nt0hi%tle)%3
Bl&n.he @B&%e her on Co7%in 5in&A*
Bl&n.he :&ndel%t&+, %0eet b7t bee,y, 0ith ner2o7%, p7dgy ,inger% &nd
thi.'len%ed gl&%%e% @9I 0&nted to be &n Fly+pi. %0i++er,9 %he told her
do.tor, 9b7t I h&d %o+e proble+% 0ith b7oy&n.y9A, &0&'en% to her .lo.'
r&dio3
Ge&r% &go, Bl&n.he 0o7ld h&2e been .on%idered pretty, tho7gh not l&ter
th&n the -lei%to.ene epo.h3 5o her h7%b&nd, Heon, ho0e2er, %he i% 9the +o%t
be&7ti,7l .re&t7re in the 0orld, e?.ept ,or (rne%t Borgnine39 Bl&n.he &nd
Heon +et long &go, &t & high%.hool d&n.e3 @She i% &n e?.ellent d&n.er,
<ho7gh d7ring the t&ngo %he .on%t&ntly .on%7lt% & di&gr&+ %he .&rrie% o,
%o+e ,eet3A 5hey t&l'ed ,reely &nd ,o7nd they en<oyed +&ny thing% in
.o++on3 $or e?&+ple, both en<oyed %leeping on b&.on bit%3 Bl&n.he 0&%
i+pre%%ed 0ith the 0&y Heon dre%%ed, ,or %he h&d ne2er %een &nyone 0e&r
three h&t% %i+7lt&neo7%ly3 5he .o7ple 0ere +&rried, &nd it 0&% not long
be,ore they h&d their ,ir%t &nd only %e?7&l e?perien.e3 9It 0&% tot&lly
%7bli+e,9 Bl&n.he re.&ll%, 9<ho7gh I do re+e+ber Heon &tte+pting to
%l&%h hi% 0ri%t%39
Bl&n.he told her ne0 h7%b&nd th&t <ho7gh he +&de & re&%on&ble li2ing
&% & h7+&n g7ine& pig, %he 0&nted to 'eep her <ob in the %hoe dep&rt+ent o,
(nt0hi%tle)%3 5oo pro7d to be %7pported, Heon rel7.t&ntly &greed, b7t in%i%t
ted th&t 0hen %he re&.hed the &ge o, ninety,i2e %he +7%t retire3 No0 the
.o7ple %&t do0n to bre&',&%t3 $or hi+, it 0&% <7i.e, to&%t, &nd .o,,ee3 $or
Bl&n.he, the 7%7&lJ& gl&%% o, hot 0&ter, & .hi.'en 0ing, %0eet&ndp7ngent
por', &nd .&nnelloni3 5hen %he le,t ,or (nt0hi%tle)%3
@Note* Bl&n.he %ho7ld go &ro7nd %inging, the 0&y Co7%in 5in& doe%,
tho7gh not &l0&y% the B&p&ne%e n&tion&l &nthe+3A
C&r+en @A %t7dy in p%y.hop&thology b&%ed on tr&it% ob%er2ed in $red
Si+dong, hi% brother Hee, &nd their .&t Sp&r'yA*
C&r+en -in.h7.', %87&t &nd b&ld, e+erged ,ro+ & %te&+ing %ho0er &nd
re+o2ed hi% %ho0er .&p3 Altho7gh tot&lly 0itho7t h&ir, he dete%ted getting
hi% %.&lp 0et3 9Why %ho7ld IC9 he told ,riend%3 95hen +y ene+ie% 0o7ld
h&2e the &d2&nt&ge o2er +e39 So+eone %7gge%ted th&t thi% &ttit7de +ight be
.on%idered %tr&nge, b7t he l&7ghed, &nd then, hi% eye% ten%ely d&rting &ro7nd
the roo+ to %ee i, he 0&% being 0&t.hed, he 'i%%ed %o+e thro0 pillo0%3
-in.h7.' i% & ner2o7% +&n 0ho ,i%he% in hi% %p&re ti+e b7t h&% not .&7ght
&nything %in.e 19#!3 9I g7e%% it)% not in the .&rd%,9 he .hortle%3 B7t 0hen &n
&.87&int&n.e pointed o7t th&t he 0&% .&%ting hi% line into & <&r o, %0eet
.re&+ he gre0 7ne&%y3
-in.h7.' h&% done +&ny thing%3 6e 0&% e?pelled ,ro+ high %.hool ,or
+o&ning in .l&%%, &nd h&% %in.e 0or'ed &% & %hepherd, p%y.hother&pi%t, &nd
+i+e3 6e i% .7rrently e+ployed by the $i%h &nd Wildli,e Ser2i.e, 0here he
i% p&id to te&.h Sp&ni%h to %87irrel%3 -in.h7.' h&% been de%.ribed by tho%e
0ho lo2e hi+ &% 9& p7n', & loner, & p%y.hop&th, &nd &pple.hee'ed39 96e
li'e% to %it in hi% roo+ &nd t&l' b&.' to the r&dio,9 one neighbor %&id3 96e
.&n be 2ery loy&l,9 ¬her re+&r'ed3 9Fn.e 0hen :r%3 :onroe %lipped on
the i.e, he %lipped on %o+e i.e o7t o, %y+p&thy39 -oliti.&lly, -in.h7.' i%, by
hi% o0n &d+i%%ion, &n independent, &nd in the l&%t -re%identi&l ele.tion hi%
0ritein 2ote 0&% ,or Ce%&r Io+ero3
No0, donning hi% t0eed h&.'ie)% .&p &nd li,ting & bo? 0r&pped in bro0n
p&per, -in.h7.' le,t hi% roo+ing ho7%e ,or the %treet3 5hen, re&liDing he 0&%
n&'ed e?.ept ,or hi% t0eed h&.'ie)% .&p, he ret7rned, dre%%ed, &nd %et o7t ,or
(nt0hi%tle)%3 @Note* Ie+e+ber to go into gre&ter det&il &bo7t -in.h7.')%
ho%tility to0&rd hi% .&p3A
5he :eeting @ro7ghA*
5he door% to the dep&rt+ent %tore opened &t ten %h&rp, &nd <ho7gh
:ond&y 0&% gener&lly & %lo0 d&y, & %&le on r&dio&.ti2e t7n& ,i%h 87i.'ly
<&++ed the b&%e+ent3 An &ir o, i++inent &po.&lyp%e h7ng o2er the %hoe
dep&rt+ent li'e & 0et t&rp&7lin &% C&r+en -in.h7.' h&nded hi% bo? to
Bl&n.he :&ndel%t&+ &nd %&id, 9I)d li'e to ret7rn the%e lo&,er%3 5hey)re too
%+&ll39
9>o yo7 h&2e & %&le% %lipC9 Bl&n.he .o7ntered, trying to re+&in poi%ed,
<ho7gh %he .on,e%%ed l&ter th&t her 0orld h&d %7ddenly beg7n ,&lling &p&rt3
@9I .&n)t de&l 0ith people %in.e the &..ident,9 %he h&% told ,riend%3 Si?
+onth% &go, 0hile pl&ying tenni%, %he %0&llo0ed one o, the b&ll%3 Sin.e then
her bre&thing h&% be.o+e irreg7l&r3A
9(r, no,9 -in.h7.' replied ner2o7%ly3 9I lo%t it39 @5he .entr&l proble+ o,
hi% li,e i% th&t he i% &l0&y% +i%pl&.ing thing%3 Fn.e he 0ent to %leep &nd
0hen he &0o'e hi% bed 0&% +i%%ing3A No0, &% .7%to+er% lined 7p behind
hi+ i+p&tiently, he bro'e into & .old %0e&t3
9Go7)ll h&2e to h&2e it F3L3)d by the ,loor +&n&ger,9 Bl&n.he %&id,
re,erring -in.h7.' to :r3 >7bin%'y, 0ho+ %he h&d been h&2ing &n &,,&ir
0ith %in.e 6&llo0een3 @Ho7 >7bin%'y, & gr&d7&te o, the be%t typing %.hool
in (7rope, 0&% & geni7% 7ntil &l.ohol red7.ed hi% %peed to one 0ord per d&y
&nd he 0&% ,or.ed to go to 0or' in & dep&rt+ent %tore3A
96&2e yo7 0orn the+C9 Bl&n.he .ontin7ed, ,ighting b&.' te&r%3 5he
notion o, -in.h7.' in hi% lo&,er% 0&% 7nbe&r&ble to her3 9:y ,&ther 7%ed to
0e&r lo&,er%,9 %he .on,e%%ed3 9Both on the %&+e ,oot39
-in.h7.' 0&% 0rithing no03 9No,9 he %&id3 9(rJI +e&n ye%3 I h&d the+
on brie,ly, b7t only 0hile I too' & b&th39
9Why did yo7 b7y the+ i, they)re too %+&llC9 Bl&n.he &%'ed, 7n&0&re
th&t %he 0&% &rti.7l&ting & 87inte%%enti&l h7+&n p&r&do?3
5he tr7th 0&% th&t -in.h7.' h&d not ,elt .o+,ort&ble in the %hoe% b7t he
.o7ld ne2er bring hi+%el, to %&y no to & %&le%+&n3 9I 0&nt to be li&ed,0 he
&d+itted to Bl&n.he3 9Fn.e I bo7ght & li2e 0ildebee%t be.&7%e I .o7ldn)t %&y
no39 @Note* F3 $3 Lr7+gold h&% 0ritten & brilli&nt p&per &bo7t .ert&in tribe%
in Borneo th&t do not h&2e & 0ord ,or 9no9 in their l&ng7&ge &nd .one%
87ently t7rn do0n re87e%t% by nodding their he&d% &nd %&ying, 9I)ll get b&.'
to yo739 5hi% .orrobor&te% hi% e&rlier theorie% th&t the 7rge to be li'ed &t &ny
.o%t i% not %o.i&lly &d&pti2e b7t geneti., +7.h the %&+e &% the &bility to %it
thro7gh operett&3A
By ele2enten, the ,loor +&n&ger, >7bin%'y, h&d F3L3)d the e?.h&nge,
&nd -in.h7.' 0&% gi2en & l&rger p&ir o, %hoe%3 -in.h7.' .on,e%%ed l&ter th&t
the in.ident h&d .&7%ed hi+ to e?perien.e %e2ere depre%%ion &nd 0ooDine%%,
0hi.h he &l%o &ttrib7ted to the ne0% o, hi% p&rrot)% 0edding3
Shortly &,ter the (nt0hi%tle &,,&ir, C&r+en -in.h7.' 87it hi% <ob &nd
be.&+e & Chine%e 0&iter &t the S7ng Ching C&ntone%e -&l&.e3 Bl&n.he
:&ndel%t&+ then %7,,ered & +&<or ner2o7% bre&'do0n &nd tried to elope
0ith & photogr&ph o, >iDDy >e&n3 @Note* ;pon re,le.tion, perh&p% it 0o7ld
be be%t to +&'e >7bin%'y & h&nd p7ppet3A H&te in B&n7&ry, (nt0hi%tle)%
.lo%ed it% door% ,or the l&%t ti+e, &nd B7lie (nt0hi%tle, the o0ner, too' hi%
,&+ily, 0ho+ he lo2ed 2ery de&rly, &nd +o2ed the+ into the Bron? Moo3
@5hi% l&%t %enten.e %ho7ld re+&in int&.t3 It %ee+% 2ery 2ery gre&t3 (nd o,
Ch&pter 1 note%3A
The UFO
Menae
;$FS AI( BACL in the ne0%, &nd it i% high ti+e 0e too' & %erio7% loo' &t
thi% pheno+enon3 @A.t7&lly, the ti+e i% ten p&%t eight, %o not only &re 0e &
,e0 +in7te% l&te b7t I)+ h7ngry3A ;p 7ntil no0, the entire %7b<e.t o, ,lying
%&7.er% h&% been +o%tly &%%o.i&ted 0ith 'oo'% or oddb&ll%3 $re87ently, in
,&.t, ob%er2er% 0ill &d+it to being & +e+ber o, both gro7p%3 Still, per%i%tent
%ighting% by re%pon%ible indi2id7&l% h&2e .&7%ed the Air $or.e &nd the
%.ienti,i. .o++7nity to ree?&+ine & on.e %'epti.&l &ttit7de, &nd the %7+ o,
t0o h7ndred doll&r% h&% no0 been &llo.&ted ,or & .o+prehen%i2e %t7dy o,
the pheno+enon3 5he 87e%tion i%* I% &nything o7t thereC And i, %o, do they
h&2e r&y g7n%C
All ;$F% +&y not pro2e to be o, e?tr&terre%tri&l origin, b7t e?pert% do
&gree th&t &ny glo0ing .ig&r%h&ped &ir.r&,t .&p&ble o, ri%ing %tr&ight 7p &t
t0el2e tho7%&nd +ile% per %e.ond 0o7ld re87ire the 'ind o, +&inten&n.e
&nd %p&r'pl7g% &2&il&ble only on -l7to3 I, the%e ob<e.t% &re indeed ,ro+
¬her pl&net, then the .i2iliD&tion th&t de%igned the+ +7%t be +illion% o,
ye&r% +ore &d2&n.ed th&n o7r o0n3 (ither th&t or they &re 2ery l7.'y3
-ro,e%%or Heon Spe.i+&n po%t7l&te% & .i2iliD&tion in o7ter %p&.e th&t i% +ore
&d2&n.ed th&n o7r% by &ppro?i+&tely ,i,teen +in7te%3 5hi%, he ,eel%, gi2e%
the+ & gre&t &d2&nt&ge o2er 7%, %in.e they needn)t r7%h to get to &ppoint
+ent%3
>r3 Br&.'i%h :enDie%, 0ho 0or'% &t the :o7nt Wil%on Fb%er2&tory, or
el%e i% 7nder ob%er2&tion &t the :o7nt Wil%on :ent&l 6o%pit&l @the letter i%
not .le&rA, .l&i+% th&t tr&2eller% +o2ing &t .lo%e to the %peed o, light 0o7ld
re87ire +&ny +illion% o, ye&r% to get here, e2en ,ro+ the ne&re%t %ol&r
%y%te+, &nd, <7dging ,ro+ the %ho0% on Bro&d0&y, the trip 0o7ld h&rdly be
0orth it3 @It i% i+po%%ible to tr&2el ,&%ter th&n light, &nd .ert&inly not
de%ir&ble, &% one)% h&t 'eep% blo0ing o,,3A
Intere%tingly
,
&..ording to +odern &%trono+er%, %p&.e i% ,inite3 5hi% i% &
2ery .o+,orting tho7ghtJp&rti.7l&rly ,or people 0ho .&n ne2er re+e+ber
0here they h&2e le,t thing%3 5he 'ey ,&.tor in thin'ing &bo7t the 7ni2er%e,
ho0e2er, i% th&t it i% e?p&nding &nd 0ill one d&y bre&' &p&rt &nd di%&ppe&r3
5h&t i% 0hy i, the girl in the o,,i.e do0n the h&ll h&% %o+e good point% b7t
perh&p% not &ll the 87&litie% yo7 re87ire it)% be%t to .o+pro+i%e3
5he +o%t ,re87ently &%'ed 87e%tion &bo7t the ;$F% i%* I, %&7.er% .o+e
,ro+ o7ter %p&.e, 0hy h&2e their pilot% not &tte+pted to +&'e .ont&.t 0ith
7%, in%te&d o, ho2ering +y%terio7%ly o2er de%erted &re&%C :y o0n theory i%
th&t ,or .re&t7re% ,ro+ ¬her %ol&r %y%te+ 9ho2ering9 +&y be & %o.i&lly
&..ept&ble +ode o, rel&ting3 It +&y, indeed, be ple&%7r&ble3 I +y%el, on.e
ho2ered o2er &n eighteenye&rold &.tre%% ,or %i? +onth% &nd h&d the be%t
ti+e o, +y li,e3 It %ho7ld &l%o be re.&lled th&t 0hen 0e t&l' o, 9li,e9 on other
pl&net% 0e &re ,re87ently re,erring to &+ino &.id%, 0hi.h &re ne2er 2ery
greg&rio7%, e2en &t p&rtie%3
:o%t people tend to thin' o, ;$F% &% & +odern proble+, b7t .o7ld they
be & pheno+enon th&t +&n h&% been &0&re o, ,or .ent7rie%C @5o 7% & .ent7ry
%ee+% 87ite long, p&rti.7l&rly i, yo7 &re holding &n I3F3;3, b7t by &%trono
+i.&l %t&nd&rd% it i% o2er in & %e.ond3 $or th&t re&%on, it i% &l0&y% be%t to
.&rry & toothbr7%h &nd be re&dy to le&2e on & +o+ent)% noti.e3A S.hol&r%
no0 tell 7% th&t the %ighting o, 7nidenti,ied ,lying ob<e.t% d&te% &% ,&r b&.'
&% Bibli.&l ti+e%3 $or in%t&n.e, there i% & p&%%&ge in the Boo' o, He2iti.7%
th&t re&d%, 9And & gre&t &nd %il2er b&ll &ppe&red o2er the A%%yri&n Ar+ie%,
&nd in &ll o, B&byloni& there 0&% 0&iling &nd gn&%hing o, teeth, till the
-rophet% b&de the +7ltit7de% get & grip on the+%el2e% &nd %h&pe 7p39
W&% thi% pheno+enon rel&ted to one de%.ribed ye&r% l&ter by
-&r+enide%* 95hree or&nge ob<e.t% did &ppe&r %7ddenly in the he&2en% &nd
did .ir.le +idto0n Athen%, ho2ering o2er the b&th% &nd .&7%ing %e2er&l o,
o7r 0i%e%t philo%opher% to gr&b ,or to0el%9C And, &g&in, 0ere tho%e 9or&nge
ob<e.t%9 %i+il&r to 0h&t i% de%.ribed in & re.ently di%.o2ered t0el,th.ent7ry
S&?on.h7r.h +&n7%.ript* 9A l&7.h l&7.hed heK 0er ri.ht l&ith to 0eet &
.or'heild %.honneK 0hil%t & red b&lle l&ng o0re %0&+ &boone3 I th&n' yo7,
l&die% &nd gentle+en9C
5hi% l&%t &..o7nt 0&% t&'en by +edie2&l .lergy to %igni,y th&t the 0orld
0&% .o+ing to &n end, &nd there 0&% gre&t di%&ppoint+ent 0hen :ond&y
.&+e &nd e2eryone h&d to go b&.' to 0or'3
$in&lly, &nd +o%t .on2in.ingly, in 18## =oethe hi+%el, note% & %tr&nge
.ele%ti&l pheno+enon3 9(n ro7te ho+e ,ro+ the HeipDig An?iety $e%ti2&l,9
he 0rote, 9I 0&% .ro%%ing & +e&do0, 0hen I .h&n.ed to loo' 7p &nd %&0
%e2er&l ,iery red b&ll% %7ddenly &ppe&r in the %o7thern %'y3 5hey de%.ended
&t & gre&t r&te o, %peed &nd beg&n .h&%ing +e3 I %.re&+ed th&t I 0&% & geni7%
&nd .on%e87ently .o7ld not r7n 2ery ,&%t, b7t +y 0ord% 0ere 0&%ted3 I
be.&+e enr&ged &nd %ho7ted i+pre.&tion% &t the+, 0here7pon they ,le0
&0&y ,rightened3 I rel&ted thi% %tory to Beetho2en, not re&liDing he h&d
&lre&dy gone de&,, &nd he %+iled &nd nodded &nd %&id, )Iight3)9
A% & gener&l r7le, .&re,7l onthe%.ene in2e%tig&tion% di%.lo%e th&t +o%t
97nidenti,ied9 ,lying ob<e.t% &re 87ite ordin&ry pheno+en&, %7.h &% 0e&ther
b&lloon%, +eteorite%, %&tellite%, &nd e2en on.e & +&n n&+ed He0i% :&ndel
b&7+, 0ho ble0 o,, the roo, o, the World 5r&de Center3 A typi.&l
9e?pl&ined9 in.ident i% the one reported by Sir Che%ter I&+%botto+, on B7ne
5, 1961, in Shrop%hire* 9I 0&% dri2ing &long the ro&d &t # A3:3 &nd %&0 &
.ig&r%h&ped ob<e.t th&t %ee+ed to be tr&.'ing +y .&r3 No +&tter 0hi.h 0&y
I dro2e, it %t&yed 0ith +e, t7rning %h&rply &t right &ngle%3 It 0&% & ,ier.e,
glo0ing red, &nd in %pite o, t0i%ting &nd t7rning the .&r &t high %peed I .o7ld
not lo%e it3 I be.&+e &l&r+ed &nd beg&n %0e&ting3 I let o7t & %hrie' o, terror
&nd &pp&rently ,&inted, b7t &0o'e in & ho%pit&l, +ir&.7lo7%ly 7nh&r+ed39
;pon in2e%tig&tion, e?pert% deter+ined th&t the 9.ig&r%h&ped ob<e.t9 0&%
Sir Che%ter)% no%e3 N&t7r&lly, &ll hi% e2&%i2e &.tion% .o7ld not lo%e it, %in.e it
0&% &tt&.hed to hi% ,&.e3
Another e?pl&ined in.ident beg&n in l&te April o, 197#, 0ith & report
,ro+ :&<or =ener&l C7rti% :e+ling, o, Andre0% Air $or.e B&%e* 9I 0&%
0&l'ing &.ro%% & ,ield one night &nd %7ddenly I %&0 & l&rge %il2er di%. in the
%'y3 It ,le0 o2er +e, not ,i,ty ,eet &bo2e +y he&d, &nd repe&tedly de%.ribed
&erodyn&+i. p&ttern% i+po%%ible ,or &ny nor+&l &ir.r&,t3 S7ddenly it
&..eler&ted &nd %hot &0&y &t terri,i. %peed39
In2e%tig&tor% be.&+e %7%pi.io7% 0hen they noti.ed th&t =ener&l
:e+ling .o7ld not de%.ribe thi% in.ident 0itho7t giggling3 6e l&ter &d+itted
he h&d <7%t .o+e ,ro+ & %ho0ing o, the ,il+ 9W&r o, the World%,9 &t the
po%t +o2ie the&tre, &nd 9got & 2ery big 'i.' o7t o, it39 Ironi.&lly, =ener&l
:e+ling reported ¬her ;$F %ighting in 1976, b7t it 0&% %oon di%.o2ered
th&t he, too, h&d be.o+e ,i?&ted on Sir Che%ter I&+%botto+)% no%eJ&n
o..7rren.e th&t .&7%ed .on%tern&tion in the Air $or.e &nd e2ent7&lly led to
=ener&l :e+ling)% .o7rt+&rti&l3
I, +o%t ;$F %ighting% .&n be %&ti%,&.torily e?pl&ined, 0h&t o, tho%e ,e0
0hi.h .&nnotC $ollo0ing &re %o+e o, the +o%t +y%ti,ying e?&+ple% o,
97n%ol2ed9 en.o7nter%, the ,ir%t reported by & Bo%ton +&n in :&y, 1969* 9I
0&% 0&l'ing by the be&.h 0ith +y 0i,e3 She)% not & 2ery &ttr&.ti2e 0o+&n3
I&ther o2er0eight3 In ,&.t, I 0&% p7lling her on & dolly &t the ti+e3 S7ddenly
I loo'ed 7p &nd %&0 & h7ge 0hite %&7.er th&t %ee+ed to be de%.ending &t
gre&t %peed3 I g7e%% I p&ni.'ed, be.&7%e I dropped the rope on +y 0i,e)%
dolly &nd beg&n r7nning3 5he %&7.er p&%%ed dire.tly o2er +y he&d &nd I
he&rd &n eerie, +et&lli. 2oi.e %&y, )C&ll yo7r %er2i.e3) When I got ho+e, I
phoned +y &n%0ering %er2i.e &nd re.ei2ed & +e%%&ge th&t +y brother I&lph
h&d +o2ed &nd to ,or0&rd &ll hi% +&il to Nept7ne3 I ne2er %&0 hi+ &g&in3
:y 0i,e %7,,ered & %e2ere bre&'do0n o2er the in.ident &nd no0 .&nnot .on
2er%e 0itho7t 7%ing & h&nd p7ppet39
$ro+ I3 :3 A?elb&n', o, Athen%, =eorgi&, $ebr7&ry, 1971* 9I &+ &n
e?perien.ed pilot &nd 0&% ,lying +y pri2&te Ce%%n& ,ro+ Ne0 :e?i.o to
A+&rillo, 5e?&%, to bo+b %o+e people 0ho%e religio7% per%7&%ion I do not
0holly &gree 0ith, 0hen I noti.ed &n ob<e.t ,lying &long%ide +e3 At ,ir%t I
tho7ght it 0&% ¬her pl&ne, 7ntil it e+itted & green be&+ o, light, ,or.ing
+y pl&ne to drop ele2en tho7%&nd ,eet in ,o7r %e.ond% &nd .&7%ing +y
to7pee to %n&p o,, +y he&d &nd te&r & t0o,oot hole in the roo,3 I repe&tedly
.&lled ,or help on +y r&dio, b7t ,or %o+e re&%on .o7ld only get the old ):r3
Anthony) progr&+3 5he ;$F .&+e 2ery .lo%e to +y pl&ne &g&in &nd then
%hot &0&y &t blinding %peed3 By thi% ti+e I h&d lo%t +y be&ring% &nd 0&%
,or.ed to +&'e &n e+ergen.y l&nding on the t7rnpi'e3 I .ontin7ed the trip in
the pl&ne on the gro7nd &nd only got into tro7ble 0hen I tried to r7n & toll
booth &nd bro'e o,, +y 0ing%39
Fne o, the eerie%t &..o7nt% o..7rred in A7g7%t, 1975, to & +&n on
:ont&7' -oint, in Hong I%l&nd* 9I 0&% in bed &t +y be&.h ho7%e, b7t .o7ld
not %leep be.&7%e o, %o+e ,ried .hi.'en in the i.ebo? th&t I ,elt entitled to3 I
0&ited till +y 0i,e dropped o,,, &nd tiptoed into the 'it.hen3 I re+e+ber
loo'ing &t the .lo.'3 It 0&% pre.i%ely ,o7r,i,teen3 I)+ 87ite .ert&in o, thi%,
be.&7%e o7r 'it.hen .lo.' h&% not 0or'ed in t0entyone ye&r% &nd i% &l0&y%
&t th&t ti+e3 I &l%o noti.ed th&t o7r dog, B7d&%, 0&% &.ting ,7nny3 6e 0&%
%t&nding 7p on hi% hind leg% &nd %inging, )I (n<oy Being & =irl3) S7ddenly
the roo+ t7rned bright or&nge3 At ,ir%t, I tho7ght +y 0i,e h&d .&7ght +e
e&ting bet0een +e&l% &nd %et ,ire to the ho7%e3 5hen I loo'ed o7t the
0indo0, 0here to +y &+&De+ent I %&0 & gig&nti. .ig&r%h&ped &ir.r&,t
ho2ering <7%t o2er the treetop% in the y&rd &nd e+itting &n or&nge glo03 I
%tood tr&n%,i?ed ,or 0h&t +7%t h&2e been %e2er&l ho7r%, tho7gh o7r .lo.'
%till re&d ,o7r,i,teen, %o it 0&% di,,i.7lt to tell3 $in&lly, & l&rge, +e.h&ni.&l
.l&0 e?tended ,ro+ the &ir.r&,t &nd %n&t.hed the t0o pie.e% o, .hi.'en ,ro+
+y h&nd &nd 87i.'ly retre&ted3 5he +&.hine then ro%e &nd, &..eler&ting &t
gre&t %peed, 2&ni%hed into the %'y3 When I reported the in.ident to the Air
$or.e, they told +e th&t 0h&t I h&d %een 0&% & ,lo.' o, bird%3 When I
prote%ted, Colonel N7in.y B&%.o+b per%on&lly pro+i%ed th&t the Air $or.e
0o7ld ret7rn the t0o pie.e% o, .hi.'en3 5o thi% d&y, I h&2e only re.ei2ed
one pie.e39
$in&lly, &n &..o7nt in B&n7&ry, 1977, by t0o Ho7i%i&n& ,&.tory 0or'er%*
9Ioy &nd I 0&% .&t,i%hing in the bog3 I en<oy the bog, &% doe% Ioy3 We 0&%
not drin'ing, <ho7gh 0e h&d bro7ght 0ith 7% & g&llon o, +ethyl .hloride,
0hi.h 0e both ,&2or 0ith either & t0i%t o, le+on or & %+&ll onion3 Any0&y%,
&t &bo7t +idnight 0e loo'ed 7p &nd %&0 & brightyello0 %phere de%.end into
the bog3 At ,ir%t Ioy +i%too' it ,or & 0hooping .r&ne &nd too' & %hot &t it,
b7t I %&id, )Ioy, th&t &in)t no .r&ne, ).&7%e it)% got no be&'3) 5h&t)% ho0 yo7
.&n tell & .r&ne3 Ioy)% %on =7% h&% & be&', yo7 'no0, &nd thin'% he)% &
.r&ne3 Any0&y%, &ll o, & %7dden thi% door %lide% open &nd %e2er&l .re&t7re%
e+erge3 5he%e .re&t7re% loo'ed li'e little port&ble r&dio% 0ith teeth &nd
%hort h&ir3 5hey &l%o h&d leg%, <ho7gh 0here the toe% 7%7&lly &re they h&d
0heel%3 5he .re&t7re% +otioned to +e to .o+e ,or0&rd, 0hi.h I did, &nd
they in<e.ted +e 0ith & ,l7id th&t .&7%ed +e to %+ile &nd &.t li'e Bopeep3
5hey %po'e 0ith one ¬her in & %tr&nge tong7e, 0hi.h %o7nded li'e 0hen
yo7 b&.' yo7r .&r o2er & ,&t per%on3 5hey too' +e &bo&rd the &ir.r&,t &nd
g&2e +e 0h&t %ee+ed to be & .o+plete phy%i.&l e?&+in&tion3 I 0ent &long
0ith it, &% I h&d not h&d & .he.'7p in t0o ye&r%3 By no0 they h&d +&%tered
+y o0n l&ng7&ge, b7t they %till +&de %i+ple +i%t&'e% li'e 7%ing
)her+ene7ti.%,) 0hen they +e&nt )he7ri%ti.3) 5hey told +e they 0ere ,ro+
¬her g&l&?y &nd 0ere here to tell the e&rth th&t 0e +7%t le&rn to li2e in
pe&.e or they 0ill ret7rn 0ith %pe.i&l 0e&pon% &nd l&+in&te e2ery ,ir%tborn
+&le3 5hey %&id they 0o7ld get the re%7lt% o, +y blood te%t b&.' in & .o7ple
o, d&y% &nd i, I didn)t he&r ,ro+ the+ I .o7ld go &he&d &nd +&rry Cl&ir39
My A!ology
F$ AHH 56( ,&+o7% +en 0ho e2er li2ed, the one I 0o7ld +o%t li'e to h&2e
been 0&% So.r&te%3 Not <7%t be.&7%e he 0&% & gre&t thin'er, be.&7%e I h&2e
been 'no0n to h&2e %o+e re&%on&bly pro,o7nd in%ight% +y%el,, <ho7gh
+ine in2&ri&bly re2ol2e &ro7nd & S0edi%h &irline %te0&rde%% &nd %o+e
h&nd.7,,%3 No, the gre&t &ppe&l ,or +e o, thi% 0i%e%t o, &ll =ree'% 0&% hi%
.o7r&ge in the ,&.e o, de&th3 6i% de.i%ion 0&% not to &b&ndon hi% prin.iple%,
b7t r&ther to gi2e hi% li,e to pro2e & point3 I per%on&lly &+ not 87ite &% ,e&r
le%% &bo7t dying &nd 0ill, &,ter &ny 7nto0&rd noi%e %7.h &% & .&r b&.',iring,
le&p dire.tly into the &r+% o, the per%on I &+ .on2er%ing 0ith3 In the end,
So.r&te%) br&2e de&th g&2e hi% li,e &7thenti. +e&ningK %o+ething +y e?i%
ten.e l&.'% tot&lly, <ho7gh it doe% po%%e%% & +ini+&l rele2&n.e to the
Intern&l Ie2en7e >ep&rt+ent3 I +7%t .on,e%% I h&2e tried p7tting +y%el, in
thi% gre&t philo%opher)% %&nd&l% +&ny ti+e% &nd no +&tter ho0 o,ten I do, I
i++edi&tely 0ind 7p doDing o,, &nd h&2ing the ,ollo0ing dre&+3
,The scene is my -%ison cell $ am usually sitting alone, *o%&ing out some
dee- -%o.lem of %ational thought li&e: 1an an o.2ect .e called a *o%& of a%t
if it can also .e used to clean the stove3 P%esently $ am visited .y Agathon
and Simmias/
Agathon: Ah, +y good ,riend &nd 0i%e old %&ge3 6o0 go yo7r d&y% o,
.on,ine+entC
Allen: Wh&t .&n one %&y o, .on,ine+ent, Ag&thonC Fnly the body +&y be
.ir.7+%.ribed3 :y +ind ro&+% ,reely, 7n,ettered by the ,o7r 0&ll% &nd
there,ore in tr7th I &%', doe% .on,ine+ent e?i%tC
Agathon: Well, 0h&t i, yo7 0&nt to t&'e & 0&l'C
Allen: =ood 87e%tion3 I .&n)t3
,The th%ee of us sit in classical -oses, not unli&e a f%ie4e )inally Agathon
s-ea&s/
Agathon: I)+ &,r&id the 0ord i% b&d3 Go7 h&2e been .onde+ned to de&th3
Allen: Ah, it %&dden% +e th&t I %ho7ld .&7%e deb&te in the %en&te3
Agathon: No deb&te3 ;n&ni+o7%3
Allen: Ie&llyC
Agathon: $ir%t b&llot3
Allen: 6+++3 I h&d .o7nted on & little +ore %7pport3
Simmias: 5he %en&te i% ,7rio7% o2er yo7r ide&% ,or & ;topi&n %t&te3
Allen: I g7e%% I %ho7ld ne2er h&2e %7gge%ted h&2ing & philo%opher'ing3
Simmias: (%pe.i&lly 0hen yo7 'ept pointing to yo7r%el, &nd .le&ring yo7r
thro&t3
Allen: And yet I do not reg&rd +y e?e.7tioner% &% e2il3
Agathon: Nor do I3
Allen: (r, ye&h, 0ell 333 ,or 0h&t i% e2il b7t +erely good in e?.e%%C
Agathon: 6o0 %oC
Allen: Hoo' &t it thi% 0&y3 I, & +&n %ing% & lo2ely %ong it i% be&7ti,7l3 I, he
'eep% %inging, one begin% to get & he&d&.he3
Agathon: 5r7e3
Allen: And i, he de,initely 0on)t %top %inging, e2ent7&lly yo7 0&nt to %t7,,
%o.'% do0n hi% thro&t3
Agathon: Ge%3 Oery tr7e3
Allen: When i% the %enten.e to be .&rried o7tC
Agathon: Wh&t ti+e i% it no0C
Allen: 5od&yEC
Agathon: 5hey need the <&il .ell3
Allen: 5hen let it beE Het the+ t&'e +y li,e3 Het it be re.orded th&t I died
r&ther th&n &b&ndon the prin.iple% o, tr7th &nd ,ree in87iry3 Weep not,
Ag&thon3
Agathon: I)+ not 0eeping3 5hi% i% &n &llergy3
Allen: $or to the +&n o, the +ind, de&th i% not &n end b7t & beginning3
Simmias: 6o0 %oC
Allen: Well, no0 gi2e +e & +in7te3
Simmias: 5&'e yo7r ti+e3
Allen: It i% tr7e, Si++i&%, th&t +&n doe% not e?i%t be,ore he i% born, i% it notC
Simmias: Oery tr7e3
Allen: Nor doe% he e?i%t &,ter hi% de&th3
Simmias: Ge%3 I &gree3
Allen: 6+++3
Simmias: SoC
Allen: No0, 0&it & +in7te3 I)+ & little .on,7%ed3 Go7 'no0 they only ,eed
+e l&+b &nd it)% ne2er 0ell.oo'ed3
Simmias: :o%t +en reg&rd de&th &% the ,in&l end3 Con%e87ently they ,e&r it3
Allen: >e&th i% & %t&te o, nonbeing3 5h&t 0hi.h i% not, doe% not e?i%t3
5here,ore de&th doe% not e?i%t3 Fnly tr7th e?i%t%3 5r7th &nd be&7ty3 (&.h
i% inter.h&nge&ble, b7t &re &%pe.t% o, the+%el2e%3 (r, 0h&t %pe.i,i.&lly
did they %&y they h&d in +ind ,or +eC
Agathon: 6e+lo.'3
Allen: ,Pu44led/ 6e+lo.'C
Agathon: Go7 re+e+ber th&t bl&.' li87id th&t &te thro7gh yo7r +&rble
t&bleC
Allen: Ie&llyC
Agathon: B7%t one .7p,7l3 5ho7gh they do h&2e & b&.'7p .h&li.e %ho7ld
yo7 %pill &nything3
Allen: I 0onder i, it)% p&in,7lC
Agathon: 5hey &%'ed i, yo7 0o7ld try not to +&'e & %.ene3 It di%t7rb% the
other pri%oner%3
Allen: 6+++ 333
Agathon: I told e2eryone yo7 0o7ld die br&2ely r&ther th&n reno7n.e yo7r
prin.iple%3
Allen: Iight, right 3 3 3 er, did the .on.ept o, 9e?ile9 e2er .o+e 7pC
Agathon: 5hey %topped e?iling l&%t ye&r3 5oo +7.h red t&pe3
Allen: Iight 3 3 3 ye&h 3 3 3 ,T%ou.led and dist%acted .ut t%ying to %emain self!
-ossessed/ I er 3 3 3 %o er 3 3 3 %oJ0h&t el%e i% ne0C
Agathon: Fh, I r&n into I%o%.ele%3 6e h&% & gre&t ide& ,or & ne0 tri&ngle3
Allen: Iight3 33 right3 33 ,Suddenly d%o--ing all -%etense of cou%age/ Hoo',
I)+ going to le2el 0ith yo7JI don)t 0&nt to goE I)+ too yo7ngE
Agathon: B7t thi% i% yo7r .h&n.e to die ,or tr7thE
Allen: >on)t +i%7nder%t&nd +e3 I)+ &ll ,or tr7th3 Fn the other h&nd I h&2e &
l7n.h d&te in Sp&rt& ne?t 0ee' &nd I)d h&te to +i%% it3 It)% +y t7rn to b7y3
Go7 'no0 tho%e Sp&rt&n%, they ,ight %o e&%ily3
Simmias: I% o7r 0i%e%t philo%opher & .o0&rdC
Allen: I)+ not & .o0&rd, &nd I)+ not & hero3 I)+ %o+e0here in the +iddle3
Simmias: A .ringing 2er+in3
Allen: 5h&t)% &ppro?i+&tely the %pot3
Agathon: B7t it 0&% yo7 0ho pro2ed th&t de&th doe%n)t e?i%t3
Allen: 6ey, li%tenJI)2e pro2ed & lot o, thing%3 5h&t)% ho0 I p&y +y rent3
5heorie% &nd little ob%er2&tion%, A p7.'i%h re+&r' no0 &nd then3
F..&%ion&l +&?i+%3 It be&t% pi.'ing oli2e%, b7t let)% not get .&rried
&0&y3
Agathon: B7t yo7 h&2e pro2ed +&ny ti+e% th&t the %o7l i% i++ort&l3
Allen: And it i%E Fn p&per3 See, th&t)% the thing &bo7t philo%ophyJit)% not &ll
th&t ,7n.tion&l on.e yo7 get o7t o, .l&%%3
Simmias: And the etern&l 9,or+%9C Go7 %&id e&.h thing &l0&y% did e?i%t &nd
&l0&y% 0ill e?i%t3
Allen: I 0&% t&l'ing +o%tly &bo7t he&2y ob<e.t%3 A %t&t7e or %o+ething3 With
people it)% & lot di,,erent3
Agathon: B7t &ll th&t t&l' &bo7t de&th being the %&+e &% %leep3
Allen: Ge%, b7t the di,,eren.e i% th&t 0hen yo7)re de&d &nd %o+ebody yell%,
9(2erybody 7p, it)% +orning,9 it)% 2ery h&rd to ,ind yo7r %lipper%3
,The e"ecutione% a%%ives *ith a cu- of hemloc& He .ea%s a close facial
%esem.lance to the $%ish comedian S-i&e (illigan/
E"ecutione%: AhJhere 0e &re3 Who get% the poi%onC
Agathon: ,Pointing to me/ 6e doe%3
Allen: =ee, it)% & big .7p3 Sho7ld it be %+o'ing li'e th&tC
E"ecutione%: Ge%3 And drin' it &ll be.&7%e & lot o, t7ne% the poi%on)% &t the
botto+3
Allen: ,5sually he%e my .ehavio% is totally diffe%ent f%om Soc%ates+ and $ am
told $ sc%eam in my slee-/ NoJI 0on)tE I don)t 0&nt to dieE 6elpE NoE
-le&%eE
,He hands me the .u..ling .%e* amidst my disgusting -leading and all
seems lost Then .ecause of some innate su%vival instinct the d%eam al*ays
ta&es an u-tu%n and a messenge% a%%ives/
(essenge%: 6old e2erythingE 5he %en&te h&% re2otedE 5he .h&rge% &re
dropped3 Go7r 2&l7e h&% been re&%%e%%ed &nd it i% de.ided yo7 %ho7ld be
honored in%te&d3
Allen: At l&%tE At l&%tE 5hey .&+e to their %en%e%E I)+ & ,ree +&nE $reeE And
to be honored yetE N7i.', Ag&thon &nd Si++i&%, get +y b&g%3 I +7%t be
going3 -r&?itele% 0ill 0&nt to get &n e&rly %t&rt on +y b7%t3 B7t be,ore I
le&2e, I gi2e & little p&r&ble3
Simmias: =ee, th&t re&lly 0&% & %h&rp re2er%&l3 I 0onder i, they 'no0 0h&t
they)re doingC
Allen: A gro7p o, +en li2e in & d&r' .&2e3 5hey &re 7n&0&re th&t o7t%ide the
%7n %hine%3 5he only light they 'no0 i% the ,li.'ering ,l&+e o, & ,e0
%+&ll .&ndle% 0hi.h they 7%e to +o2e &ro7nd3
Agathon: Where)d they get the .&ndle%C
Allen: Well, let)% <7%t %&y they h&2e the+3
Agathon: 5hey li2e in & .&2e &nd h&2e .&ndle%C It doe%n)t ring tr7e3
Allen: C&n)t yo7 <7%t b7y it ,or no0C
Agathon: F3L3, F3L3, b7t get to the point3
Allen: And then one d&y, one o, the .&2e d0eller% 0&nder% o7t o, the .&2e
&nd %ee% the o7t%ide 0orld3
Simmias: In &ll it% .l&rity3
Allen: -re.i%ely3 In &ll it% .l&rity3
Agathon: When he trie% to tell the other% they don)t belie2e hi+3
Allen: Well, no3 6e doe%n)t tell the other%3
Agathon: 6e doe%n)tC
Allen: No, he open% & +e&t +&r'et, he +&rrie% & d&n.er &nd die% o, &
.erebr&l he+orrh&ge &t ,ortyt0o3
,They g%a. me and fo%ce the hemloc& do*n He%e 6 usually *a&e u- in a
s*eat and only some eggs and smo&ed salmon calm me do*n/
The "#gelmass
E!isode
L;=(H:ASS, A -IF$(SSFI o, h7+&nitie% &t City College, 0&% 7nh&ppily
+&rried ,or the %e.ond ti+e3 >&phne L7gel+&%% 0&% &n o&,3 6e &l%o h&d t0o
d7ll %on% by hi% ,ir%t 0i,e, $lo, &nd 0&% 7p to hi% ne.' in &li+ony &nd .hild
%7pport3
9>id I 'no0 it 0o7ld t7rn o7t %o b&dlyC9 L7gel+&%% 0hined to hi%
&n&ly%t one d&y3 9>&phne h&d pro+i%e3 Who %7%pe.ted %he)d let her%el, go
&nd %0ell 7p li'e & be&.h b&llC -l7% %he h&d & ,e0 b7.'%, 0hi.h i% not in
it%el, & he<hy re&%on to +&rry & per%on, b7t it doe%n)t h7rt, 0ith the 'ind o,
oper&ting n7t I h&2e3 Go7 %ee +y pointC9
L7gel+&%% 0&% b&ld &nd &% h&iry &% & be&r, b7t he h&d %o7l3
9I need to +eet & ne0 0o+&n,9 he 0ent on3 9I need to h&2e &n &,,&ir3 I
+&y not loo' the p&rt, b7t I)+ & +&n 0ho need% ro+&n.e3 I need %o,tne%%, I
need ,lirt&tion3 I)+ not getting yo7nger, %o be,ore it)% too l&te I 0&nt to +&'e
lo2e in Oeni.e, tr&de 87ip% &t )#1,) &nd e?.h&nge .oy gl&n.e% o2er red 0ine
&nd .&ndlelight3 Go7 %ee 0h&t I)+ %&yingC9
>r3 :&ndel %hi,ted in hi% .h&ir &nd %&id, 9An &,,&ir 0ill %ol2e nothing3
Go7)re %o 7nre&li%ti.3 Go7r proble+% r7n +7.h deeper39
9And &l%o thi% &,,&ir +7%t be di%.reet,9 L7gel+&%% .ontin7ed3 9I .&n)t
&,,ord & %e.ond di2or.e3 >&phne 0o7ld re&lly %o.' it to +e39
9:r3 L7gel+&%%J9
9B7t it .&n)t be &nyone &t City College, be.&7%e >&phne &l%o 0or'%
there3 Not th&t &nyone on the ,&.7lty &t C3C3N3G3 i% &ny gre&t %h&'e%, b7t
%o+e o, tho%e .oed% 3339
9:r3 L7gel+&%%J9
96elp +e3 I h&d & dre&+ l&%t night3 I 0&% %'ipping thro7gh & +e&do0
holding & pi.ni. b&%'et &nd the b&%'et 0&% +&r'ed )Fption%3) And then I %&0
there 0&% & hole in the b&%'et39
9:r3 L7gel+&%%, the 0or%t thing yo7 .o7ld do i% &.t o7t3 Go7 +7%t
%i+ply e?pre%% yo7r ,eeling% here, &nd together 0e)ll &n&lyDe the+3 Go7
h&2e been in tre&t+ent long eno7gh to 'no0 there i% no o2ernight .7re3
A,ter &ll, I)+ &n &n&ly%t, not & +&gi.i&n39
95hen perh&p% 0h&t I need i% & +&gi.i&n,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, ri%ing ,ro+
hi% .h&ir3 And 0ith th&t he ter+in&ted hi% ther&py3
A .o7ple o, 0ee'% l&ter, 0hile L7gel+&%% &nd >&phne 0ere +oping
&ro7nd in their &p&rt+ent one night li'e t0o pie.e% o, old ,7rnit7re, the
phone r&ng3
9I)ll get it,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3 96ello39
9L7gel+&%%C9 & 2oi.e %&id3 9L7gel+&%%, thi% i% -er%'y39
9WhoC9
9-er%'y3 Fr %ho7ld I %&y 5he =re&t -er%'yC9
9-&rdon +eC9
9I he&r yo7)re loo'ing &ll o2er to0n ,or & +&gi.i&n to bring & little
e?oti.& into yo7r li,eC Ge% or noC9
9Shhh,9 L7gel+&%% 0hi%pered3 9>on)t h&ng 7p3 Where &re yo7 .&lling
,ro+, -er%'yC9
(&rly the ,ollo0ing &,ternoon, L7gel+&%% .li+bed three ,light% o, %t&ir%
in & bro'endo0n &p&rt+ent ho7%e in the B7%h0i.' %e.tion o, Broo'lyn3
-eering thro7gh the d&r'ne%% o, the h&ll, he ,o7nd the door he 0&% loo'ing
,or &nd pre%%ed the bell3 I)+ going to regret thi%, he tho7ght to hi+%el,3
Se.ond% l&ter, he 0&% greeted by & %hort, thin, 0&?yloo'ing +&n3
0'ou+%e -er%'y the =re&tC9 L7gel+&%% %&id3
95he =re&t -er%'y3 Go7 0&nt & te&C9
9No, I 0&nt ro+&n.e3 I 0&nt +7%i.3 I 0&nt lo2e &nd be&7ty39
9B7t not te&, ehC A+&Ding3 F3L3, %it do0n39
-er%'y 0ent to the b&.' roo+, &nd L7gel+&%% he&rd the %o7nd% o, bo?e%
&nd ,7rnit7re being +o2ed &ro7nd3 -er%'y re&ppe&red, p7%hing be,ore hi+ &
l&rge ob<e.t on %87e&'y roller%'&te 0heel%3 6e re+o2ed %o+e old %il'
h&nd'er.hie,% th&t 0ere lying on it% top &nd ble0 &0&y & bit o, d7%t3 It 0&% &
.he&ploo'ing Chine%e .&binet, b&dly l&.87ered3
9-er%'y,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, 90h&t)% yo7r %.&+C9
9-&y &ttention,9 -er%'y %&id3 95hi% i% %o+e be&7ti,7l e,,e.t3 I de2eloped
it ,or & Lnight% o, -ythi&% d&te l&%t ye&r, b7t the boo'ing ,ell thro7gh3 =et
into the .&binet39
9Why, %o yo7 .&n %ti.' it ,7ll o, %0ord% or %o+ethingC9
9Go7 %ee &ny %0ord%C9
L7gel+&%% +&de & ,&.e &nd, gr7nting, .li+bed into the .&binet3 6e
.o7ldn)t help noti.ing & .o7ple o, 7gly rhine%tone% gl7ed onto the r&0
ply0ood <7%t in ,ront o, hi% ,&.e3 9I, thi% i% & <o'e,9 he %&id3
9So+e <o'e3 No0, here)% the point3 I, I thro0 &ny no2el into thi% .&binet
0ith yo7, %h7t the door%, &nd t&p it three ti+e%, yo7 0ill ,ind yo7r%el,
pro<e.ted into th&t boo'39
L7gel+&%% +&de & gri+&.e o, di%belie,3
9It)% the e+e%%,9 -er%'y %&id3 9:y h&nd to =od3 Not <7%t & no2el, either3
A %hort %tory, & pl&y, & poe+3 Go7 .&n +eet &ny o, the 0o+en .re&ted by
the 0orld)% be%t 0riter%3 Whoe2er yo7 dre&+ed o,3 Go7 .o7ld .&rry on &ll
yo7 li'e 0ith & re&l 0inner3 5hen 0hen yo7)2e h&d eno7gh yo7 gi2e & yell,
&nd I)ll %ee yo7)re b&.' here in & %plit %e.ond39
9-er%'y, &re yo7 %o+e 'ind o, o7tp&tientC9
9I)+ telling yo7 it)% on the le2el,9 -er%'y %&id3
L7gel+&%% re+&ined %'epti.&l3 9Wh&t &re yo7 telling +eJth&t thi%
.hee%y ho+e+&de bo? .&n t&'e +e on & ride li'e yo7)re de%.ribingC9
9$or & do7ble %&0b7.'39
L7gel+&%% re&.hed ,or hi% 0&llet3 9I)ll belie2e thi% 0hen I %ee it,9 he
%&id3
-er%'y t7.'ed the bill% in hi% p&nt% po.'et &nd t7rned to0&rd hi%
boo'.&%e3 9So 0ho do yo7 0&nt to +eetC Si%ter C&rrieC 6e%ter -rynneC
Fpheli&C :&ybe %o+eone by S&7l Bello0C 6ey, 0h&t &bo7t 5e+ple >r&'eC
Altho7gh ,or & +&n yo7r &ge %he)d be & 0or'o7t39
9$ren.h3 I 0&nt to h&2e &n &,,&ir 0ith & $ren.h lo2er39
9N&n&C9
9I don)t 0&nt to h&2e to p&y ,or it39
9Wh&t &bo7t N&t&%h& in Wa% and Peace30
9I %&id $ren.h3 I 'no0E Wh&t &bo7t (++& Bo2&ryC 5h&t %o7nd% to +e
per,e.t39
9Go7 got it, L7gel+&%%3 =i2e +e & holler 0hen yo7)2e h&d eno7gh39
-er%'y to%%ed in & p&perb&.' .opy o, $l&7bert)% no2el3
9Go7 %7re thi% i% %&,eC9 L7gel+&%% &%'ed &% -er%'y beg&n %h7tting the
.&binet door%3
9S&,e3 I% &nything %&,e in thi% .r&Dy 0orldC9 -er%'y r&pped three ti+e%
on the .&binet &nd then ,l7ng open the door%3
L7gel+&%% 0&% gone3 At the %&+e +o+ent, he &ppe&red in the bedroo+
o, Ch&rle% &nd (++& Bo2&ry)% ho7%e &t Gon2ille3 Be,ore hi+ 0&% &
be&7ti,7l 0o+&n, %t&nding &lone 0ith her b&.' t7rned to hi+ &% %he ,olded
%o+e linen3 I .&n)t belie2e thi%, tho7ght L7gel+&%%, %t&ring &t the do.tor)%
r&2i%hing 0i,e3 5hi% i% 7n.&nny3 I)+ here3 It)% her3
(++& t7rned in %7rpri%e3 9=oodne%%, yo7 %t&rtled +e,9 %he %&id3 9Who
&re yo7C9 She %po'e in the %&+e ,ine (ngli%h tr&n%l&tion &% the p&perb&.'3
It)% %i+ply de2&%t&ting, he tho7ght3 5hen, re&liDing th&t it 0&% he 0ho+
%he h&d &ddre%%ed, he %&id, 9(?.7%e +e3 I)+ Sidney L7gel+&%%3 I)+ ,ro+
City College3 A pro,e%%or o, h7+&nitie%3 C3C3N3G3C ;pto0n3 IJoh, boyE9
(++& Bo2&ry %+iled ,lirt&tio7%ly &nd %&id, 9Wo7ld yo7 li'e & drin'C A
gl&%% o, 0ine, perh&p%C9
She i% be&7ti,7l, L7gel+&%% tho7ght3 Wh&t & .ontr&%t 0ith the troglodyte
0ho %h&red hi% bedE 6e ,elt & %7dden i+p7l%e to t&'e thi% 2i%ion into hi%
&r+% &nd tell her %he 0&% the 'ind o, 0o+&n he h&d dre&+ed o, &ll hi% li,e3
9Ge%, %o+e 0ine,9 he %&id ho&r%ely3 9White3 No, red3 No, 0hite3 :&'e it
0hite39
9Ch&rle% i% o7t ,or the d&y,9 (++& %&id, her 2oi.e ,7ll o, pl&y,7l
i+pli.&tion3
A,ter the 0ine, they 0ent ,or & %troll in the lo2ely $ren.h .o7ntry%ide3
9I)2e &l0&y% dre&+ed th&t %o+e +y%terio7% %tr&nger 0o7ld &ppe&r &nd
re%.7e +e ,ro+ the +onotony o, thi% .r&%% r7r&l e?i%ten.e,9 (++& %&id,
.l&%ping hi% h&nd3 5hey p&%%ed & %+&ll .h7r.h3 9I lo2e 0h&t yo7 h&2e on,9
%he +7r+7red3 9I)2e ne2er %een &nything li'e it &ro7nd here3 It)% %o333 %o
+odern39
9It)% .&lled & lei%7re %7it,9 he %&id ro+&nti.&lly3 9It 0&% +&r'ed do0n39
S7ddenly he 'i%%ed her3 $or the ne?t ho7r they re.lined 7nder & tree &nd
0hi%pered together &nd told e&.h other deeply +e&ning,7l thing% 0ith their
eye%3 5hen L7gel+&%% %&t 7p3 6e h&d <7%t re+e+bered he h&d to +eet
>&phne &t Bloo+ingd&le)%3 9I +7%t go,9 he told her3 9B7t don)t 0orry, I)ll be
b&.'39
9I hope %o,9 (++& %&id3
6e e+br&.ed her p&%%ion&tely, &nd the t0o 0&l'ed b&.' to the ho7%e3 6e
held (++&)% ,&.e .7pped in hi% p&l+%, 'i%%ed her &g&in, &nd yelled, 9F3L3,
-er%'yE I got to be &t Bloo+ingd&le)% by threethirty39
5here 0&% &n &7dible pop, &nd L7gel+&%% 0&% b&.' in Broo'lyn3
9SoC >id I lieC9 -er%'y &%'ed tri7+ph&ntly3
9Hoo', -er%'y, I)+ right no0 l&te to +eet the b&ll &nd .h&in &t He?ington
A2en7e, b7t 0hen .&n I go &g&inC 5o+orro0C9
9:y ple&%7re3 B7%t bring & t0enty3 And don)t +ention thi% to &nybody39
9Ge&h3 I)+ going to .&ll I7pert :7rdo.h39 L7gel+&%% h&iled & .&b &nd
%ped o,, to the .ity3 6i% he&rt d&n.ed on point3 I &+ in lo2e, he tho7ght, I &+
the po%%e%%or o, & 0onder,7l %e.ret3 Wh&t he didn)t re&liDe 0&% th&t &t thi%
2ery +o+ent %t7dent% in 2&rio7% .l&%%roo+% &.ro%% the .o7ntry 0ere %&ying
to their te&.her%, 9Who i% thi% .h&r&.ter on p&ge 100C A b&ld Be0 i% 'i%%ing
:&d&+e Bo2&ryC9 A te&.her in Sio7? $&ll%, So7th >&'ot&, %ighed &nd
tho7ght, Be%7%, the%e 'id%, 0ith their pot &nd &.id3 Wh&t goe% thro7gh their
+ind%E
>&phne L7gel+&%% 0&% in the b&throo+&..e%%orie% dep&rt+ent &t
Bloo+ingd&le)% 0hen L7gel+&%% &rri2ed bre&thle%%ly3 9Where)2e yo7
beenC9 %he %n&pped3 9It)% ,o7rthirty39
9I got held 7p in tr&,,i.,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3
L7gel+&%% 2i%ited -er%'y the ne?t d&y, &nd in & ,e0 +in7te% 0&% &g&in
p&%%ed +&gi.&lly to Gon2ille3 (++& .o7ldn)t hide her e?.ite+ent &t %eeing
hi+3 5he t0o %pent ho7r% together, l&7ghing &nd t&l'ing &bo7t their di,,erent
b&.'gro7nd%3 Be,ore L7gel+&%% le,t, they +&de lo2e3 9:y =od, I)+ doing it
0ith :&d&+e Bo2&ryE9 L7gel+&%% 0hi%pered to hi+%el,3 9:e, 0ho ,&iled
,re%h+&n (ngli%h39
A% the +onth% p&%%ed, L7gel+&%% %&0 -er%'y +&ny ti+e% &nd
de2eloped & .lo%e &nd p&%%ion&te rel&tion%hip 0ith (++& Bo2&ry3 9:&'e
%7re &nd &l0&y% get +e into the boo' be,ore p&ge 1#0,9 L7gel+&%% %&id to
the +&gi.i&n one d&y3 9I &l0&y% h&2e to +eet her be,ore %he hoo'% 7p 0ith
thi% Iodolphe .h&r&.ter39
9WhyC9 -er%'y &%'ed3 9Go7 .&n)t be&t hi% ti+eC9
9Be&t hi% ti+e3 6e)% l&nded gentry3 5ho%e g7y% h&2e nothing better to do
th&n ,lirt &nd ride hor%e%3 5o +e, he)% one o, tho%e ,&.e% yo7 %ee in the p&ge%
o, Women+s Wea% #aily With the 6el+7t Berger h&irdo3 B7t to her he)% hot
%t7,,39
9And her h7%b&nd %7%pe.t% nothingC9
96e)% o7t o, hi% depth3 6e)% & l&.'l7%tre little p&r&+edi. 0ho)% thro0n in
hi% lot 0ith & <itterb7g3 6e)% re&dy to go to %leep by ten, &nd %he)% p7tting on
her d&n.ing %hoe%3 Fh, 0ell 3 3 3 See yo7 l&ter39
And on.e &g&in L7gel+&%% entered the .&binet &nd p&%%ed in%t&ntly to
the Bo2&ry e%t&te &t Gon2ille3 96o0 yo7 doing, .7p.&'eC9 he %&id to (++&3
9Fh, L7gel+&%%,9 (++& %ighed3 9Wh&t I h&2e to p7t 7p 0ith3 H&%t night
&t dinner, :r3 -er%on&lity dropped o,, to %leep in the +iddle o, the de%%ert
.o7r%e3 I)+ po7ring +y he&rt o7t &bo7t :&?i+)% &nd the b&llet, &nd o7t o,
the bl7e I he&r %noring39
9It)% F3L3, d&rling3 I)+ here no0,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, e+br&.ing her3 I)2e
e&rned thi%, he tho7ght, %+elling (++&)% $ren.h per,7+e &nd b7rying hi%
no%e in her h&ir3 I)2e %7,,ered eno7gh3 I)2e p&id eno7gh &n&ly%t%3 I)2e
%e&r.hed till I)+ 0e&ry3 She)% yo7ng &nd n7bile, &nd I)+ here & ,e0 p&ge%
&,ter Heon &nd <7%t be,ore Iodolphe3 By %ho0ing 7p d7ring the .orre.t
.h&pter%, I)2e got the %it7&tion 'no.'ed3
(++&, to be %7re, 0&% <7%t &% h&ppy &% L7gel+&%%3 She h&d been %t&r2ed
,or e?.ite+ent, &nd hi% t&le% o, Bro&d0&y night li,e, o, ,&%t .&r% &nd
6olly0ood &nd 5O %t&r%, enthr&lled the yo7ng $ren.h be&7ty3
95ell +e &g&in &bo7t F3 B3 Si+p%on,9 %he i+plored th&t e2ening, &% %he
&nd L7gel+&%% %trolled p&%t Abbe Bo7rni%ien)% .h7r.h3
9Wh&t .&n I %&yC 5he +&n i% gre&t3 6e %et% &ll 'ind% o, r7%hing re.ord%3
S7.h +o2e%3 5hey .&n)t to7.h hi+39
9And the A.&de+y A0&rd%C9 (++& %&id 0i%t,7lly3 9I)d gi2e &nything to
0in one39
9$ir%t yo7)2e got to be no+in&ted39
9I 'no03 Go7 e?pl&ined it3 B7t I)+ .on2in.ed I .&n &.t3 F, .o7r%e, I)d
0&nt to t&'e & .l&%% or t0o3 With Str&%berg +&ybe3 5hen, i, I h&d the right
&gentJ9
9We)ll %ee, 0e)ll %ee3 I)ll %pe&' to -er%'y39
5h&t night, %&,ely ret7rned to -er%'y)% ,l&t, L7gel+&%% bro7ght 7p the
ide& o, h&2ing (++& 2i%it hi+ in the big .ity3
9Het +e thin' &bo7t it,9 -er%'y %&id3 9:&ybe I .o7ld 0or' it3 Str&nger
thing% h&2e h&ppened39 F, .o7r%e, neither o, the+ .o7ld thin' o, one3
9Where the hell do yo7 go &ll the ti+eC9 >&phne L7gel+&%% b&r'ed &t
her h7%b&nd &% he ret7rned ho+e l&te th&t e2ening3 9Go7 got & .hippie
%t&%hed %o+e0hereC9
9Ge&h, %7re, I)+ <7%t the type,9 L7gel+&%% %&id 0e&rily3 9I 0&% 0ith
Heon&rd -op'in3 We 0ere di%.7%%ing So.i&li%t &gri.7lt7re in -ol&nd3 Go7
'no0 -op'in3 6e)% & ,re&' on the %7b<e.t39
9Well, yo7)2e been 2ery odd l&tely,9 >&phne %&id3 9>i%t&nt3 B7%t don)t
,orget &bo7t +y ,&ther)% birthd&y3 Fn S&t7rd&yC9
9Fh, %7re, %7re,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, he&ding ,or the b&throo+3
9:y 0hole ,&+ily 0ill be there3 We .&n %ee the t0in%3 And Co7%in
6&+i%h3 Go7 %ho7ld be +ore polite to Co7%in 6&+i%hJhe li'e% yo739
9Iight, the t0in%,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, .lo%ing the b&throo+ door &nd
%h7tting o7t the %o7nd o, hi% 0i,e)% 2oi.e3 6e le&ned &g&in%t it &nd too' &
deep bre&th3 In & ,e0 ho7r%, he told hi+%el,, he 0o7ld be b&.' in Gon2ille
&g&in, b&.' 0ith hi% belo2ed3 And thi% ti+e, i, &ll 0ent 0ell, he 0o7ld bring
(++& b&.' 0ith hi+3
At three,i,teen the ,ollo0ing &,ternoon, -er%'y 0or'ed hi% 0iD&rdry
&g&in3 L7gel+&%% &ppe&red be,ore (++&, %+iling &nd e&ger3 5he t0o %pent
& ,e0 ho7r% &t Gon2ille 0ith Binet &nd then re+o7nted the Bo2&ry .&rri&ge3
$ollo0ing -er%'y)% in%tr7.tion%, they held e&.h other tightly, .lo%ed their
eye%, &nd .o7nted to ten3 When they opened the+, the .&rri&ge 0&% <7%t
dr&0ing 7p &t the %ide door o, the -l&D& 6otel, 0here L7gel+&%% h&d
opti+i%ti.&lly re%er2ed & %7ite e&rlier in the d&y3
9I lo2e itE It)% e2erything I dre&+ed it 0o7ld be,9 (++& %&id &% %he
%0irled <oyo7%ly &ro7nd the bedroo+, %7r2eying the .ity ,ro+ their 0indo03
95here)% $3 A3 F3 S.h0&rD3 And there)% Centr&l -&r', &nd the Sherry i% 0hi.h
oneC Fh, thereJI %ee3 It)% too di2ine39
Fn the bed there 0ere bo?e% ,ro+ 6&l%ton &nd S&int H&7rent3 (++&
7n0r&pped & p&.'&ge &nd held 7p & p&ir o, bl&.' 2el2et p&nt% &g&in%t her
per,e.t body3
95he %l&.'% %7it i% by I&lph H&7ren,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3 9Go7)ll loo' li'e &
+illion b7.'% in it3 Co+e on, %7g&r, gi2e 7% & 'i%%39
9I)2e ne2er been %o h&ppyE9 (++& %87e&led &% %he %tood be,ore the
+irror3 9Het)% go o7t on the to0n3 I 0&nt to %ee 1ho%us 7ine &nd the
=7ggenhei+ &nd thi% B&.' Ni.hol%on .h&r&.ter yo7 &l0&y% t&l' &bo7t3 Are
&ny o, hi% ,li.'% %ho0ingC9
9I .&nnot get +y +ind &ro7nd thi%,9 & St&n,ord pro,e%%or %&id3 9$ir%t &
%tr&nge .h&r&.ter n&+ed L7gel+&%%, &nd no0 %he)% gone ,ro+ the boo'3
Well, I g7e%% the +&r' o, & .l&%%i. i% th&t yo7 .&n rere&d it & tho7%&nd ti+e%
&nd &l0&y% ,ind %o+ething ne039
5he lo2er% p&%%ed & bli%%,7l 0ee'end3 L7gel+&%% h&d told >&phne he
0o7ld be &0&y &t & %y+po%i7+ in Bo%ton &nd 0o7ld ret7rn :ond&y3
S&2oring e&.h +o+ent, he &nd (++& 0ent to the +o2ie%, h&d dinner in
Chin&to0n, p&%%ed t0o ho7r% &t & di%.othe87e, &nd 0ent to bed 0ith & 5O
+o2ie3 5hey %lept till noon on S7nd&y, 2i%ited So6o, &nd ogled .elebritie% &t
(l&ine)%3 5hey h&d .&2i&r &nd .h&+p&gne in their %7ite on S7nd&y night &nd
t&l'ed 7ntil d&0n3 5h&t +orning, in the .&b t&'ing the+ to -er%'y)%
&p&rt+ent, L7gel+&%% tho7ght, It 0&% he.ti., b7t 0orth it3 I .&n)t bring her
here too o,ten, b7t no0 &nd then it 0ill be & .h&r+ing .ontr&%t 0ith
Gon2ille3
At -er%'y)%, (++& .li+bed into the .&binet, &rr&nged her ne0 bo?e% o,
.lothe% ne&tly &ro7nd her, &nd 'i%%ed L7gel+&%% ,ondly3 9:y pl&.e ne?t
ti+e,9 %he %&id 0ith & 0in'3 -er%'y r&pped three ti+e% on the .&binet3
Nothing h&ppened3
96++,9 -er%'y %&id, %.r&t.hing hi% he&d3 6e r&pped &g&in, b7t %till no
+&gi.3 9So+ething +7%t be 0rong,9 he +7+bled3
9-er%'y, yo7)re <o'ingE9 L7gel+&%% .ried3 96o0 .&n it not 0or'C9
9Iel&?, rel&?3 Are yo7 %till in the bo?, (++&C9
9Ge%39
-er%'y r&pped &g&inJh&rder thi% ti+e3
9I)+ %till here, -er%'y39
9I 'no0, d&rling3 Sit tight39
9-er%'y, 0e have to get her b&.',9 L7gel+&%% 0hi%pered3 9I)+ & +&rried
+&n, &nd I h&2e & .l&%% in three ho7r%3 I)+ not prep&red ,or &nything +ore
th&n & .&7tio7% &,,&ir &t thi% point39
9I .&n)t 7nder%t&nd it,9 -er%'y +7ttered3 9It)% %7.h & reli&ble little tri.'39
B7t he .o7ld do nothing3 9It)% going to t&'e & little 0hile,9 he %&id to
L7gel+&%%3 9I)+ going to h&2e to %trip it do0n3 I)ll .&ll yo7 l&ter39
L7gel+&%% b7ndled (++& into & .&b &nd too' her b&.' to the -l&D&3 6e
b&rely +&de it to hi% .l&%% on ti+e3 6e 0&% on the phone &ll d&y, to -er%'y
&nd to hi% +i%tre%%3 5he +&gi.i&n told hi+ it +ight be %e2er&l d&y% be,ore he
got to the botto+ o, the tro7ble3
96o0 0&% the %y+po%i7+C9 >&phne &%'ed hi+ th&t night3
9$ine, ,ine,9 he %&id, lighting the ,ilter end o, & .ig&rette3
9Wh&t)% 0rongC Go7)re &% ten%e &% & .&t39
9:eC 6&, th&t)% & l&7gh3 I)+ &% .&l+ &% & %7++er night3 I)+ <7%t going to
t&'e & 0&l'39 6e e&%ed o7t the door, h&iled & .&b, &nd ,le0 to the -l&D&3
95hi% i% no good,9 (++& %&id3 9Ch&rle% 0ill +i%% +e39
9Be&r 0ith +e, %7g&r,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3 6e 0&% p&le &nd %0e&ty3 6e
'i%%ed her &g&in, r&.ed to the ele2&tor%, yelled &t -er%'y o2er & p&y phone in
the -l&D& lobby, &nd <7%t +&de it ho+e be,ore +idnight3
9A..ording to -op'in, b&rley pri.e% in Lr&'o0 h&2e not been thi% %t&ble
%in.e 1971,9 he %&id to >&phne, &nd %+iled 0&nly &% he .li+bed into bed3
5he 0hole 0ee' 0ent by li'e th&t3
Fn $rid&y night, L7gel+&%% told >&phne there 0&% ¬her %y+po%i7+
he h&d to .&t.h, thi% one in Syr&.7%e3 6e h7rried b&.' to the -l&D&, b7t the
%e.ond 0ee'end there 0&% nothing li'e the ,ir%t3 9=et +e b&.' into the no2el
or +&rry +e,9 (++& told L7gel+&%%3 9:e&n0hile, I 0&nt to get & <ob or go
to .l&%%, be.&7%e 0&t.hing 5O &ll d&y i% the pit%39
9$ine3 We .&n 7%e the +oney,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3 9Go7 .on%7+e t0i.e
yo7r 0eight in roo+ %er2i.e39
9I +et &n F,, Bro&d0&y prod7.er in Centr&l -&r' ye%terd&y, &nd he %&id
I +ight be right ,or & pro<e.t he)% doing,9 (++& %&id3
9Who i% thi% .lo0nC9 L7gel+&%% &%'ed3
96e)% not & .lo0n3 6e)% %en%iti2e &nd 'ind &nd .7te3 6i% n&+e)% Be,,
So+ethingorFther, &nd he)% 7p ,or & 5ony39
H&ter th&t &,ternoon, L7gel+&%% %ho0ed 7p &t -er%'y)% dr7n'3
9Iel&?,9 -er%'y told hi+3 9Go7)ll get & .oron&ry39
9Iel&?3 5he +&n %&y% rel&?3 I)2e got & ,i.tion&l .h&r&.ter %t&%hed in &
hotel roo+, &nd I thin' +y 0i,e i% h&2ing +e t&iled by & pri2&te %h&+7%39
9F3L3, F3L3 We 'no0 there)% & proble+39 -er%'y .r&0led 7nder the
.&binet &nd %t&rted b&nging on %o+ething 0ith & l&rge 0ren.h3
9I)+ li'e & 0ild &ni+&l,9 L7gel+&%% 0ent on3 9I)+ %ne&'ing &ro7nd
to0n, &nd (++& &nd I h&2e h&d it 7p to here 0ith e&.h other3 Not to
+ention & hotel t&b th&t re&d% li'e the de,en%e b7dget39
9So 0h&t %ho7ld I doC 5hi% i% the 0orld o, +&gi.,9 -er%'y %&id3 9It)% &ll
n7&n.e39
9N7&n.e, +y ,oot3 I)+ po7ring >o+ -erignon &nd bl&.' egg% into thi%
little +o7%e, pl7% her 0&rdrobe, pl7% %he)% enrolled &t the Neighborhood
-l&yho7%e &nd %7ddenly need% pro,e%%ion&l photo%3 Al%o, -er%'y, -ro,e%%or
$i2i%h Lop'ind, 0ho te&.he% Co+p Hit &nd 0ho h&% &l0&y% been <e&lo7% o,
+e, h&% identi,ied +e &% the %por&di.&lly &ppe&ring .h&r&.ter in the $l&7bert
boo'3 6e)% thre&tened to go to >&phne3 I %ee r7in &nd &li+onyK <&il3 $or
&d7ltery 0ith :&d&+e Bo2&ry, +y 0i,e 0ill red7.e +e to begg&ry39
9Wh&t do yo7 0&nt +e to %&yC I)+ 0or'ing on it night &nd d&y3 A% ,&r &%
yo7r per%on&l &n?iety goe%, th&t I .&n)t help yo7 0ith3 I)+ & +&gi.i&n, not &n
&n&ly%t39
By S7nd&y &,ternoon, (++& h&d lo.'ed her%el, in the b&throo+ &nd
re,7%ed to re%pond to L7gel+&%%)% entre&tie%3 L7gel+&%% %t&red o7t the
0indo0 &t the Woll+&n Iin' &nd .onte+pl&ted %7i.ide3 5oo b&d thi% i% &
lo0 ,loor, he tho7ght, or I)d do it right no03 :&ybe i, I r&n &0&y to (7rope
&nd %t&rted li,e o2er 3 3 3 :&ybe I .o7ld %ell the $nte%national He%ald
T%i.une, li'e tho%e yo7ng girl% 7%ed to3
5he phone r&ng3 L7gel+&%% li,ted it to hi% e&r +e.h&ni.&lly3
9Bring her o2er,9 -er%'y %&id3 9I thin' I got the b7g% o7t o, it39
L7gel+&%%)% he&rt le&ped3 9Go7)re %erio7%C9 he %&id3 9Go7 got it li.'edC9
9It 0&% %o+ething in the tr&n%+i%%ion3 =o ,ig7re39
9-er%'y, yo7)re & geni7%3 We)ll be there in & +in7te3 He%% th&n & +in7te39
Ag&in the lo2er% h7rried to the +&gi.i&n)% &p&rt+ent, &nd &g&in (++&
Bo2&ry .li+bed into the .&binet 0ith her bo?e%3 5hi% ti+e there 0&% no 'i%%3
-er%'y %h7t the door%, too' & deep bre&th, &nd t&pped the bo? three ti+e%3
5here 0&% the re&%%7ring popping noi%e, &nd 0hen -er%'y peered in%ide, the
bo? 0&% e+pty3 :&d&+e Bo2&ry 0&% b&.' in her no2el3 L7gel+&%% he&2ed
& gre&t %igh o, relie, &nd p7+ped the +&gi.i&n)% h&nd3
9It)% o2er,9 he %&id3 9I le&rned +y le%%on3 I)ll ne2er .he&t &g&in, I %0e&r
it39 6e p7+ped -er%'y)% h&nd &g&in &nd +&de & +ent&l note to %end hi+ &
ne.'tie3
5hree 0ee'% l&ter, &t the end o, & be&7ti,7l %pring &,ternoon, -er%'y
&n%0ered hi% doorbell3 It 0&% L7gel+&%%, 0ith & %heepi%h e?pre%%ion on hi%
,&.e3
9F3L3, L7gel+&%%,9 the +&gi.i&n %&id3 9Where to thi% ti+eC9
9It)% <7%t thi% on.e,9 L7gel+&%% %&id3 95he 0e&ther i% %o lo2ely, &nd I)+
not getting &ny yo7nger3 Hi%ten, yo7)2e re&d Po%tnoy+s 1om-laint3
Ie+e+ber 5he :on'eyC9
95he pri.e i% no0 t0enty,i2e doll&r%, be.&7%e the .o%t o, li2ing i% 7p,
b7t I)ll %t&rt yo7 o,, 0ith one ,reebie, d7e to &ll the tro7ble I .&7%ed yo739
9Go7)re good people,9 L7gel+&%% %&id, .o+bing hi% ,e0 re+&ining h&ir%
&% he .li+bed into the .&binet &g&in3 95hi%)ll 0or' &ll rightC9
9I hope3 B7t I h&2en)t tried it +7.h %in.e &ll th&t 7nple&%&ntne%%39
9Se? &nd ro+&n.e,9 L7gel+&%% %&id ,ro+ in%ide the bo?3 9Wh&t 0e go
thro7gh ,or & pretty ,&.e39
-er%'y to%%ed in & .opy o, Po%tnoy+s 1om-laint &nd r&pped three ti+e%
on the bo?3 5hi% ti+e, in%te&d o, & popping noi%e there 0&% & d7ll e?plo%ion,
,ollo0ed by & %erie% o, .r&.'ling noi%e% &nd & %ho0er o, %p&r'%3 -er%'y
le&ped b&.', 0&% %eiDed by & he&rt &tt&.', &nd dropped de&d3 5he .&binet
b7r%t into ,l&+e%, &nd e2ent7&lly the entire ho7%e b7rned do0n3
L7gel+&%%, 7n&0&re o, thi% .&t&%trophe, h&d hi% o0n proble+%3 6e h&d
not been thr7%t into Po%tnoy+s 1om-laint, or into &ny other no2el, ,or th&t
+&tter3 6e h&d been pro<e.ted into &n old te?tboo', Remedial S-anish, &nd
0&% r7nning ,or hi% li,e o2er & b&rren, ro.'y terr&in &% the 0ord tene% @9to
h&2e9AJ& l&rge &nd h&iry irreg7l&r 2erbJ r&.ed &,ter hi+ on it% %pindly
leg%3
My S!eeh
to the $rad#ates
:FI( 56AN ANG other ti+e in hi%tory, +&n'ind ,&.e% & .ro%%ro&d%3 Fne
p&th le&d% to de%p&ir &nd 7tter hopele%%ne%%3 5he other, to tot&l e?tin.tion3
Het 7% pr&y 0e h&2e the 0i%do+ to .hoo%e .orre.tly3 I %pe&', by the 0&y, not
0ith &ny %en%e o, ,7tility, b7t 0ith & p&ni.'y .on2i.tion o, the &b%ol7te
+e&ningle%%ne%% o, e?i%ten.e 0hi.h .o7ld e&%ily be +i%interpreted &%
pe%%i+i%+3 It i% not3 It i% +erely & he<hy .on.ern ,or the predi.&+ent o,
+odern +&n3 @:odern +&n i% here de,ined &% &ny per%on born &,ter
NietD%.he)% edi.t th&t 9=od i% de&d,9 b7t be,ore the hit re.ording 9I W&nn&
6old Go7r 6&nd39A 5hi% 9predi.&+ent9 .&n be %t&ted one o, t0o 0&y%,
tho7gh .ert&in ling7i%ti. philo%opher% pre,er to red7.e it to & +&the+&ti.&l
e87&tion 0here it .&n be e&%ily %ol2ed &nd e2en .&rried &ro7nd in the 0&llet3
-7t in it% %i+ple%t ,or+, the proble+ i%* 6o0 i% it po%%ible to ,ind
+e&ning in & ,inite 0orld gi2en +y 0&i%t &nd %hirt %iDeC 5hi% i% & 2ery
di,,i.7lt 87e%tion 0hen 0e re&liDe th&t %.ien.e h&% ,&iled 7%3 5r7e, it h&%
.on87ered +&ny di%e&%e%, bro'en the geneti. .ode, &nd e2en pl&.ed h7+&n
being% on the +oon, &nd yet 0hen & +&n o, eighty i% le,t in & roo+ 0ith t0o
eighteenye&rold .o.'t&il 0&itre%%e% nothing h&ppen%3 Be.&7%e the re&l
proble+% ne2er .h&nge3 A,ter &ll, .&n the h7+&n %o7l be gli+p%ed thro7gh &
+i.ro%.opeC :&ybeJb7t yo7)d de,initely need one o, tho%e 2ery good one%
0ith t0o eyepie.e%3 We 'no0 th&t the +o%t &d2&n.ed .o+p7ter in the 0orld
doe% not h&2e & br&in &% %ophi%ti.&ted &% th&t o, &n &nt3 5r7e, 0e .o7ld %&y
th&t o, +&ny o, o7r rel&ti2e% b7t 0e only h&2e to p7t 7p 0ith the+ &t
0edding% or %pe.i&l o..&%ion%3 S.ien.e i% %o+ething 0e depend on &ll the
ti+e3 I, I de2elop & p&in in the .he%t I +7%t t&'e &n Pr&y3 B7t 0h&t i, the
r&di&tion ,ro+ the Pr&y .&7%e% +e deeper proble+%C Be,ore I 'no0 it, I)+
going in ,or %7rgery3 N&t7r&lly, 0hile they)re gi2ing +e o?ygen &n intern de
.ide% to light 7p & .ig&rette3 5he ne?t thing yo7 'no0 I)+ ro.'eting o2er the
World 5r&de Center in bed .lothe%3 I% thi% %.ien.eC 5r7e, %.ien.e h&% t&7ght
7% ho0 to p&%te7riDe .hee%e3 And tr7e, thi% .&n be ,7n in +i?ed .o+p&nyJ
b7t 0h&t o, the 6bo+bC 6&2e yo7 e2er %een 0h&t h&ppen% 0hen one o,
tho%e thing% ,&ll% o,, & de%' &..ident&llyC And 0here i% %.ien.e 0hen one
ponder% the etern&l riddle%C 6o0 did the .o%+o% origin&teC 6o0 long h&% it
been &ro7ndC >id +&tter begin 0ith &n e?plo%ion or by the 0ord o, =odC
And i, by the l&tter, .o7ld 6e not h&2e beg7n it <7%t t0o 0ee'% e&rlier to
t&'e &d2&nt&ge o, %o+e o, the 0&r+er 0e&therC (?&.tly 0h&t do 0e +e&n
0hen 0e %&y, +&n i% +ort&lC Fb2io7%ly it)% not & .o+pli+ent3 Ieligion too
h&% 7n,ort7n&tely let 7% do0n3 :ig7el de ;n&+7no 0rite% blithely o, the
9etern&l per%i%ten.e o, .on%.io7%ne%%,9 b7t thi% i% no e&%y ,e&t3 -&rti.7l&rly
0hen re&ding 5h&.'er&y3 I o,ten thin' ho0 .o+,orting li,e +7%t h&2e been
,or e&rly +&n be.&7%e he belie2ed in & po0er,7l, bene2olent Cre&tor 0ho
loo'ed &,ter &ll thing%3 I+&gine hi% di%&ppoint+ent 0hen he %&0 hi% 0i,e
p7tting on 0eight3 Conte+por&ry +&n, o, .o7r%e, h&% no %7.h pe&.e o, +ind3
6e ,ind% hi+%el, in the +id%t o, & .ri%i% o, ,&ith3 6e i% 0h&t 0e ,&%hion&bly
.&ll 9&lien&ted39 6e h&% %een the r&2&ge% o, 0&r, he h&% 'no0n n&t7r&l
.&t&%trophe%, he h&% been to %ingle% b&r%3 :y good ,riend B&.87e% :onod
%po'e o,ten o, the r&ndo+ne%% o, the .o%+o%3 6e belie2ed e2erything in
e?i%ten.e o..7rred by p7re .h&n.e 0ith the po%%ible e?.eption o, hi%
bre&',&%t, 0hi.h he ,elt .ert&in 0&% +&de by hi% ho7%e'eeper3 N&t7r&lly
belie, in & di2ine intelligen.e in%pire% tr&n87ility3 B7t thi% doe% not ,ree 7%
,ro+ o7r h7+&n re%pon%ibilitie%3 A+ I +y brother)% 'eeperC Ge%3
Intere%tingly, in +y .&%e I %h&re th&t honor 0ith the -ro%pe.t -&r' Moo3
$eeling godle%% then, 0h&t 0e h&2e done i% +&de te.hnology =od3 And yet
.&n te.hnology re&lly be the &n%0er 0hen & br&nd ne0 B7i.', dri2en by +y
.lo%e &%%o.i&te, N&t Mip%'y, 0ind% 7p in the 0indo0 o, Chi.'en >elight
.&7%ing h7ndred% o, .7%to+er% to %.&tterC :y to&%ter h&% ne2er on.e 0or'ed
properly in ,o7r ye&r%3 I ,ollo0 the in%tr7.tion% &nd p7%h t0o %li.e% o, bre&d
do0n in the %lot% &nd %e.ond% l&ter they ri,le 7p0&rd3 Fn.e they bro'e the
no%e o, & 0o+&n I lo2ed 2ery de&rly3 Are 0e .o7nting on n7t% &nd bolt% &nd
ele.tri.ity to %ol2e o7r proble+%C Ge%, the telephone i% & good thingJ&nd
the re,riger&torJ&nd the &ir .onditioner3 B7t not e2ery &ir .onditioner3 Not
+y %i%ter 6enny)%, ,or in%t&n.e3 6er% +&'e% & lo7d noi%e &nd %till doe%n)t
.ool3 When the +&n .o+e% o2er to ,i? it, it get% 0or%e3 (ither th&t or he tell%
her %he need% & ne0 one3 When %he .o+pl&in%, he %&y% not to bother hi+3
5hi% +&n i% tr7ly &lien&ted3 Not only i% he &lien&ted b7t he .&n)t %top
%+iling3
5he tro7ble i%, o7r le&der% h&2e not &de87&tely prep&red 7% ,or &
+e.h&niDed %o.iety3 ;n,ort7n&tely o7r politi.i&n% &re either in.o+petent or
.orr7pt3 So+eti+e% both on the %&+e d&y3 5he =o2ern+ent i% 7nre%pon%i2e
to the need% o, the little +&n3 ;nder ,i2e%e2en, it i% i+po%%ible to get yo7r
Congre%%+&n on the phone3 I &+ not denying th&t de+o.r&.y i% %till the
,ine%t ,or+ o, go2ern+ent3 In & de+o.r&.y &t le&%t, .i2il libertie% &re 7pheld3
No .itiDen .&n be 0&ntonly tort7red, i+pri%oned, or +&de to %it thro7gh
.ert&in Bro&d0&y %ho0%3 And yet thi% i% & ,&r .ry ,ro+ 0h&t goe% on in the
So2iet ;nion3 ;nder their ,or+ o, tot&lit&ri&ni%+, & per%on +erely .&7ght
0hi%tling i% %enten.ed to thirty ye&r% in & l&bor .&+p3 I,, &,ter ,i,teen ye&r%,
he %till 0ill not %top 0hi%tling, they %hoot hi+3 Along 0ith thi% br7t&l
,&%.i%+ 0e ,ind it% h&nd+&iden, terrori%+3 At no other t7ne in hi%tory h&%
+&n been %o &,r&id to .7t into hi% 2e&l .hop ,or ,e&r th&t it 0ill e?plode3
Oiolen.e breed% +ore 2iolen.e &nd it i% predi.ted th&t by 1990 'idn&pping
0ill be the do+in&nt +ode o, %o.i&l inter&.tion3 F2erpop7l&tion 0ill
e?&.erb&te proble+% to the bre&'ing point3 $ig7re% tell 7% there &re &lre&dy
+ore people on e&rth th&n 0e need to +o2e e2en the he&2ie%t pi&no3 I, 0e
do not .&ll & h< to breeding, by the ye&r #000 there 0ill be no roo+ to
%er2e dinner 7nle%% one i% 0illing to %et the t&ble on the he&d% o, %tr&nger%3
5hen they +7%t not +o2e ,or &n ho7r 0hile 0e e&t3 F, .o7r%e energy 0ill be
in %hort %7pply &nd e&.h .&r o0ner 0ill be &llo0ed only eno7gh g&%oline to
b&.' 7p & ,e0 in.he%3
In%te&d o, ,&.ing the%e .h&llenge% 0e t7rn in%te&d to di%tr&.tion% li'e
dr7g% &nd %e?3 We li2e in ,&r too per+i%%i2e & %o.iety3 Ne2er be,ore h&%
pornogr&phy been thi% r&+p&nt3 And tho%e ,il+% &re lit %o b&dlyE We &re &
people 0ho l&.' de,ined go&l%3 We h&2e ne2er le&rned to lo2e3 We l&.'
le&der% &nd .oherent progr&+%3 We h&2e no %pirit7&l .enter3 We &re &dri,t
&lone in the .o%+o% 0re&'ing +on%tro7% 2iolen.e on one ¬her o7t o,
,r7%tr&tion &nd p&in3 $ort7n&tely, 0e h&2e not lo%t o7r %en%e o, proportion3
S7++ing 7p, it i% .le&r the ,7t7re hold% gre&t opport7nitie%3 It &l%o hold%
pit,&ll%3 5he tri.' 0ill be to &2oid the pit,&ll%, %eiDe the opport7nitie%, &nd get
b&.' ho+e by %i? o).lo.'3
The Diet
FN( >AG, $FI no &pp&rent re&%on, $3 bro'e hi% diet3 6e h&d gone to l7n.h &t
& .&,e 0ith hi% %7per2i%or, S.hn&bel, to di%.7%% .ert&in +&tter%3 B7%t 0h&t
9+&tter%,9 S.hn&bel 0&% 2&g7e &bo7t3 S.hn&bel h&d .&lled $3 the night
be,ore, %7gge%ting th&t they %ho7ld +eet ,or l7n.h3 95here &re 2&rio7%
87e%tion%,9 he told hi+ o2er the phone3 9I%%7e% th&t re87ire re%ol7tion%3333 It
.&n &ll 0&it, o, .o7r%e3 -erh&p% ¬her ti+e39 B7t $3 0&% %eiDed 0ith %7.h &
gn&0ing &n?iety o2er the pre.i%e n&t7re &nd tone o, S.hn&bel)% in2it&tion
th&t he in%i%ted they +eet i++edi&tely3
9Het)% h&2e l7n.h tonight,9 he %&id3
9It)% ne&rly +idnight,9 S.hn&bel told hi+3
95h&t)% F3L3,9 $3 %&id3 9F, .o7r%e, 0e)ll h&2e to bre&' into the
re%t&7r&nt39
9Non%en%e3 It .&n 0&it,9 S.hn&bel %n&pped, &nd h7ng 7p3
$3 0&% &lre&dy bre&thing he&2ily3 Wh&t h&2e I done, he tho7ght3 I)2e
+&de & ,ool o, +y%el, be,ore S.hn&bel3 By :ond&y it 0ill be &ll o2er the
,ir+3 And it)% the %e.ond ti+e thi% +onth I)2e been +&de to &ppe&r
ridi.7lo7%3
5hree 0ee'% e&rlier, $3 h&d been di%.o2ered in the Pero? roo+ beh&2ing
li'e & 0oodpe.'er3 In2&ri&bly, %o+eone &t the o,,i.e 0&% ridi.7ling hi+
behind hi% b&.'3 So+eti+e%, i, he t7rned &ro7nd r&pidly, he 0o7ld di%.o2er
thirty or ,orty .o0or'er% in.he% &0&y ,ro+ hi+ 0ith tong7e% o7t%tret.hed3
=oing to 0or' 0&% & night+&re3 $or one thing, hi% de%' 0&% in the re&r,
&0&y ,ro+ the 0indo0, &nd 0h&te2er ,re%h &ir did re&.h the d&r' o,,i.e 0&%
bre&thed by the other +en be,ore $3 .o7ld inh&le it3 A% he 0&l'ed do0n the
&i%le e&.h d&y, ho%tile ,&.e% peered &t hi+ ,ro+ behind ledger% &nd &ppr&i%ed
hi+ .riti.&lly3 Fn.e, 5r&7b, & petty .ler', h&d nodded .o7rteo7%ly, &nd 0hen
$3 nodded b&.' 5r&7b ,ired &n &pple &t hi+3 -re2io7%ly, 5r&7b h&d obt&ined
the pro+otion th&t 0&% pro+i%ed to $3, &nd h&d been gi2en & ne0 .h&ir ,or
hi% de%'3 $3)% .h&ir, by .ontr&%t, h&d been %tolen +&ny ye&r% &go, &nd be
.&7%e o, endle%% b7re&7.r&.y he .o7ld ne2er %ee+ to re87i%ition ¬her3
Sin.e then he %tood &t hi% de%' e&.h d&y, h7n.hed o2er &% he typed, re&liDing
the other% 0ere +&'ing <o'e% &bo7t hi+3 When the in.ident o..7rred, $3 h&d
&%'ed ,or & ne0 .h&ir3
9I)+ %orry,9 S.hn&bel told hi+, 9b7t yo7)ll h&2e to %ee the :ini%ter ,or
th&t39
9Ge%, ye%, .ert&inly,9 $3 &greed, b7t 0hen it .&+e ti+e to %ee the
:ini%ter the &ppoint+ent 0&% po%tponed3 96e .&n)t %ee yo7 tod&y,9 &n &%
%i%t&nt %&id3 9Cert&in 2&g7e notion% h&2e &ri%en &nd he i% not %eeing &nyone39
Wee'% 0ent by &nd $3 repe&tedly tried to %ee the :ini%ter, to no &2&il3
9All I 0&nt i% & .h&ir,9 he told hi% ,&ther3 9It)% not %o +7.h th&t I +ind
%tooping to 0or', b7t 0hen I rel&? &nd p7t +y ,eet 7p on the de%' I ,&ll o2er
b&.'0&rd39
96og0&%h,9 hi% ,&ther %&id 7n%y+p&theti.&lly3 9I, they tho7ght +ore o,
yo7, yo7)d be %e&ted by no039
9Go7 don)t 7nder%t&ndE9 $3 %.re&+ed3 9I)2e tried to %ee the :ini%ter, b7t
he)% &l0&y% b7%y3 And yet 0hen I peep in hi% 0indo0 I &l0&y% %ee hi+
rehe&r%ing the Ch&rle%ton39
95he :ini%ter 0ill ne2er %ee yo7,9 hi% ,&ther %&id, po7ring & %herry3 96e
h&% no ti+e ,or 0e&' ,&il7re%3 5he tr7th i%, I he&r Ii.hter h&% t0o .h&ir%3
Fne to %it on &t 0or' &nd one to %tro'e &nd h7+ to39
Ii.hterE $3 tho7ght3 5h&t ,&t7o7% bore, 0ho .&rried on &n illi.it lo2e
&,,&ir ,or ye&r% 0ith the b7rgo+&%ter)% 0i,e, 7ntil %he ,o7nd o7tE Ii.hter h&d
,or+erly 0or'ed &t the b&n', b7t .ert&in %hort&ge% o..7rred3 At ,ir%t he h&d
been &..7%ed o, e+beDDling3 5hen it 0&% le&rned he 0&% e&ting the +oney3
9It)% ro7gh&ge, i%n)t itC9 he &%'ed the poli.e inno.ently3 6e 0&% thro0n o7t
o, the b&n' &nd .&+e to 0or' &t $3)% ,ir+, 0here it 0&% belie2ed th&t hi%
,l7ent $ren.h +&de hi+ the ide&l +&n to h&ndle the -&ri%i&n &..o7nt%3 A,ter
,i2e ye&r%, it be.&+e ob2io7% th&t he .o7ldn)t %pe&' & 0ord o, $ren.h b7t
0&% +erely +o7thing non%en%e %yll&ble% in & ,&'e &..ent 0hile p7r%ing hi%
lip%3 Altho7gh Ii.hter 0&% de+oted, he +&n&ged to 0or' hi% 0&y b&.' into
the bo%%)% ,&2or3 5hi% ti+e, he .on2in.ed hi% e+ployer th&t the .o+p&ny
.o7ld do7ble it% pro,it% by +erely 7nlo.'ing the ,ront door &nd &llo0ing
.7%to+er% to .o+e in3
9N7ite & +&n, thi% Ii.hter,9 $3)% ,&ther %&id3 95h&t)% 0hy he 0ill &l0&y%
get &he&d in the b7%ine%% 0orld, &nd yo7 0ill &l0&y% 0rithe in ,r7%tr&tion
li'e & n&7%e&ting, %pindlylegged 2er+in, ,it only to be %87&%hed39
$3 .o+pli+ented hi% ,&ther ,or t&'ing the long 2ie0, b7t l&ter th&t
e2ening he ,elt 7n&..o7nt&bly depre%%ed3 6e re%ol2ed to diet &nd +&'e
hi+%el, loo' +ore pre%ent&ble3 Not th&t he 0&% ,&t, b7t %7btle in%in7&tion%
&bo7t to0n h&d led hi+ to the ine%.&p&ble notion th&t in .ert&in .ir.le% he
+ight be .on%idered 97npro+i%ingly portly39 :y ,&ther i% right, $3 tho7ght3 I
&+ li'e %o+e di%g7%ting beetle3 No 0onder 0hen I &%'ed ,or & r&i%e S.hn&
bel %pr&yed +e 0ith I&idE I &+ & 0ret.hed, &by%+&l in%e.t, ,it ,or 7ni2er%&l
lo&thing3 I de%er2e to be tr&+pled to de&th, torn li+b ,ro+ li+b by 0ild
&ni+&l%3 I %ho7ld li2e 7nder the bed in the d7%t, or pl7.' +y eye% o7t in
&b<e.t %h&+e3 >e,initely to+orro0 I +7%t begin +y diet3
5h&t night, $3 0&% the dre&+er o, e7phori. i+&ge%3 6e %&0 hi+%el, thin
&nd &ble to ,it into %+&rt ne0 %l&.'%Jthe 'ind th&t only +en 0ith .ert&in
rep7t&tion% .o7ld get &0&y 0ith3 6e dre&+ed o, hi+%el, pl&ying tenni%
gr&.e,7lly, &nd d&n.ing 0ith +odel% &t ,&%hion&ble %pot%3 5he dre&+ ended
0ith $3 %tr7tting %lo0ly &.ro%% the ,loor o, the Sto.' (?.h&nge, n&'ed, to the
+7%i. o, BiDet)% 95ore&dor)% Song,9 %&ying, 9Not b&d, ehC9
6e &0o'e the ne?t +orning in & %t&te o, bli%% &nd pro.eeded to diet ,or
%e2er&l 0ee'%, red7.ing hi% 0eight by %i?teen po7nd%3 Not only did he ,eel
better b7t hi% l7.' %ee+ed to .h&nge3
95he :ini%ter 0ill %ee yo7,9 he 0&% told one d&y3
(.%t&ti., $3 0&% bro7ght be,ore the gre&t +&n &nd &ppr&i%ed3
9I he&r yo7)re into protein,9 the :ini%ter %&id3
9He&n +e&t% &nd, o, .o7r%e, %&l&d,9 $3 re%ponded3 95h&t i% to %&y, &n
o..&%ion&l rollJb7t no b7tter &nd .ert&inly no other %t&r.he%39
9I+pre%%i2e,9 the :ini%ter %&id3
9Not only &+ I +ore &ttr&.ti2e b7t I)2e gre&tly red7.ed the .h&n.e o,
he&rt &tt&.' or di&bete%,9 $3 %&id3
9I 'no0 &ll th&t,9 the :ini%ter %&id i+p&tiently3
9-erh&p% no0 I .o7ld get .ert&in +&tter% &ttended to,9 $3 %&id3 95h&t i%, i,
I +&int&in +y .7rrent tri+ 0eight39
9We)ll %ee, 0e)ll %ee,9 the :ini%ter %&id3 9And yo7r .o,,eeC9 he
.ontin7ed %7%pi.io7%ly3 9>o yo7 t&'e it 0ith h&l,&ndh&l,C9
9Fh, no,9 $3 told hi+3 9S'i+ +il' only3 I &%%7re yo7, %ir, &ll +y +e&l%
&re no0 .o+pletely ple&%7rele%% e?perien.e%39
9=ood, good3 We)ll t&l' &g&in %oon39
5h&t night $3 ter+in&ted hi% eng&ge+ent to $r&7 S.hneider3 6e 0rote her
& note e?pl&ining th&t 0ith the %h&rp drop in hi% trigly.eride le2el pl&n% they
h&d on.e +&de 0ere no0 i+po%%ible3 6e begged her to 7nder%t&nd &nd %&id
th&t i, hi% .hole%terol .o7nt %ho7ld e2er go &bo2e one h7ndred &nd ninety he
0o7ld .&ll her3
5hen .&+e the l7n.h 0ith S.hn&belJ,or $3, & +ode%t rep&%t .on%i%ting
o, .ott&ge .hee%e &nd & pe&.h3 When $, &%'ed S.hn&bel 0hy he h&d %7+
+oned hi+, the older +&n 0&% e2&%i2e3 9:erely to re2ie0 2&rio7%
<ern&ti2e%,9 he %&id3
0Which <ern&ti2e%C9 $3 &%'ed3 5here 0ere no o7t%t&nding i%%7e% th&t he
.o7ld thin' o,, 7nle%% he 0&% not re+e+bering the+3
9Fh, I don)t 'no03 No0 it)% &ll be.o+ing h&Dy &nd I)2e 87ite ,orgotten
the point o, the l7n.h39
9Ge%, b7t I ,eel yo7)re hiding %o+ething,9 $3 %&id3
9Non%en%e3 6&2e %o+e de%%ert,9 S.hn&bel replied3
9No, th&n' yo7, 6err S.hn&bel3 5h&t i% to %&y, I)+ on & diet39
96o0 long h&% it been %in.e yo7)2e e?perien.ed .7%t&rdC Fr &n (.l&irC9
9Fh, %e2er&l +onth%,9 $3 %&id3
9Go7 don)t +i%% the+C9 S.hn&bel &%'ed3
9Why, ye%3 N&t7r&lly, I en<oy .on%7++&ting & +e&l by inge%ting &
87&ntity o, %0eet%3 Still, the need ,or di%.ipline333 Go7 7nder%t&nd39
9Ie&llyC9 S.hn&bel &%'ed, %&2oring hi% .ho.ol&te.o2ered p&%try, %o th&t
$3 .o7ld ,eel the +&n)% en<oy+ent3 9It)% & pity yo7)re %o rigid3 Hi,e i% %hort3
Wo7ldn)t yo7 li'e to %&+ple <7%t & biteC9 S.hn&bel 0&% %+iling 0i.'edly3 6e
pro,,ered $3 & +or%el on hi% ,or'3
$3 ,elt hi+%el, be.o+ing diDDy3 9Hoo' here,9 he %&id, 9I %7ppo%e I .o7ld
&l0&y% go b&.' on +y diet to+orro039
9F, .o7r%e, o, .o7r%e,9 S.hn&bel %&id3 95h&t +&'e% %plendid %en%e39
5ho7gh $3 .o7ld h&2e re%i%ted, he %7..7+bed in%te&d3 9W&iter,9 he %&id,
tre+bling, 9&n e.l&ir ,or +e, too39
9=ood, good,9 S.hn&bel %&id3 95h&t)% itE Be one o, the boy%3 -erh&p% i,
yo7 h&d been +ore pli&ble in the p&%t, +&tter% th&t %ho7ld h&2e been long re
%ol2ed 0o7ld no0 be ,in&liDedJi, yo7 'no0 0h&t I +e&n39
5he 0&iter bro7ght the e.l&ir &nd pl&.ed it be,ore $3 $3 tho7ght he %&0
the +&n 0in' &t S.hn&bel, b7t he .o7ldn)t be %7re3 6e beg&n e&ting the
gooey de%%ert, thrilled by e2ery l7%.io7% +o7th,7l3
9Ni.e, i%n)t itC9 S.hn&bel &%'ed 0ith & 'no0ing %+ir'3 9It)% ,7ll o,
.&lorie%, o, .o7r%e39
9Ge%,9 $3 +7ttered, 0ildeyed &nd %h&'ing3 9It 0ill &ll go dire.tly to +y
hip%39
9-7t it on in yo7r hip%, do yo7C9 S.hn&bel &%'ed3
$3 0&% bre&thing h&rd3 S7ddenly re+or%e ,looded e2ery .h&nnel o, hi%
body3 =od in 6e&2en, 0h&t h&2e I doneE he tho7ght3 I)2e bro'en the dietE
I)2e .on%7+ed & p&%try, 'no0ing ,7ll 0ell the i+pli.&tion%E 5o+orro0 I 0ill
h&2e to let o7t +y %7it%E
9I% %o+ething 0rong, %irC9 the 0&iter &%'ed, %+iling &long 0ith
S.hn&bel3
9Ge%, 0h&t i% itC9 S.hn&bel &%'ed3 9Go7 loo' &% i, yo7)2e <7%t .o++itted
& .ri+e39
9-le&%e, I .&n)t di%.7%% it no0E I +7%t h&2e &irE C&n yo7 get thi% .he.',
&nd I)ll get the ne?t one39
9Cert&inly,9 S.hn&bel %&id3 9I)ll +eet yo7 b&.' &t the o,,i.e3 I he&r the
:ini%ter 0&nt% to %ee yo7 &bo7t .ert&in .h&rge%39
9Wh&tC Wh&t .h&rge%C9 $3 &%'ed3
9Fh, I don)t 'no0 e?&.tly3 5here)2e been %o+e r7+or%3 Nothing de,inite3
A ,e0 87e%tion% the &7thoritie% need &n%0ered3 It .&n 0&it, o, .o7r%e, i,
yo7)re %till h7ngry, 57bby39
$3 bolted ,ro+ the t&ble &nd r&n thro7gh the %treet% to hi% ho+e3 6e
thre0 hi+%el, on the ,loor be,ore hi% ,&ther &nd 0ept3 9$&ther, I h&2e bro'en
+y dietE9 he .ried3 9In & +o+ent o, 0e&'ne%%, I ordered de%%ert3 -le&%e
,orgi2e +eE :er.y, I beg o, yo7E9
6i% ,&ther li%tened .&l+ly &nd %&id, 9I .onde+n yo7 to de&th39
9I 'ne0 yo7)d 7nder%t&nd,9 $3 %&id, &nd 0ith th&t the t0o +en e+br&.ed
&nd re&,,ir+ed their deter+in&tion to %pend +ore o, their ,ree ti+e 0or'ing
0ith other%3
The %#nati&s Tale
:A>N(SS i% A rel&ti2e %t&te3 Who .&n %&y 0hi.h o, 7% i% tr7ly in%&neC And
0hile I ro&+ thro7gh Centr&l -&r' 0e&ring +othe&ten .lothe% &nd & %7rgi.&l
+&%', %.re&+ing re2ol7tion&ry %log&n% &nd l&7ghing hy%teri.&lly, I 0onder
e2en no0 i, 0h&t I did 0&% re&lly %o irr&tion&l3 $or, de&r re&der, I 0&% not
&l0&y% 0h&t i% pop7l&rly re,erred to &% 9& Ne0 Gor' %treet .r&Dy,9 p&7%ing
&t tr&%h .&n% to ,ill +y %hopping b&g% 0ith bit% o, %tring &nd bottle .&p%3 No,
I 0&% on.e & highly %7..e%%,7l do.tor li2ing on the 7pper (&%t Side, g&dding
&bo7t to0n in & bro0n :er.ede%, &nd bede.'ed d&%hingly in & 2&ried &rr&y
o, I&lph H&7ren t0eed%3 6&rd to belie2e th&t I, >r3 F%%ip -&r'i%, on.e &
,&+ili&r ,&.e &t the&tre opening%, S&rdi)%, Hin.oln Center, &nd the 6&+pton%,
0here I bo&%ted gre&t 0it &nd & ,or+id&ble b&.'h&nd, &+ no0 %o+eti+e%
%een roller %'&ting 7n%h&2en do0n Bro&d0&y 0e&ring & 'n&p%&.' &nd & pin
0heel h&t3
5he dile++& th&t pre.ipit&ted thi% .&t&%trophi. ,&ll ,ro+ gr&.e 0&%
%i+ply thi%3 I 0&% li2ing 0ith & 0o+&n 0ho+ I .&red ,or 2ery deeply &nd
0ho h&d & 0inning &nd delight,7l per%on&lity &nd +indK ri.h in .7lt7re &nd
h7+or &nd & <oy to %pend ti+e 0ith3 B7t @&nd I .7r%e $&te ,or thi%A %he did
not t7rn +e on %e?7&lly3 Con.7rrently, I 0&% %ne&'ing .ro%%to0n nightly to
rendeD2o7% 0ith & photogr&pher)% +odel .&lled 5i,,&ny S.h+eederer, 0ho%e
blood.7rdling +ent&lity 0&% in dire.t in2er%e proportion to the eroti. r&di&
tion th&t ooDed ,ro+ her e2ery pore3 ;ndo7btedly, de&r re&der, yo7 h&2e
he&rd the e?pre%%ion, 9& body th&t 0o7ldn)t 87it39 Well 5i,,&ny)% body 0o7ld
not only not 87it, it 0o7ldn)t t&'e ,i2e +in7te% o,, ,or & .o,,ee bre&'3 S'in
li'e %&tin, or %ho7ld I %&y li'e the ,ine%t o, M&b&r)% no2y, & leonine +&ne o,
.he%tn7t h&ir, long 0illo0y leg% &nd & %h&pe %o .7r2&.eo7% th&t to r7n one)%
h&nd% o2er &ny portion o, it 0&% li'e & ride on the Cy.lone3 5hi% i% not to %&y
the one I roo+ed 0ith, the %.intill&ting &nd e2en pro,o7nd Fli2e Cho+%'y,
0&% & %lo7.h phy%iogno+y0i%e3 Not &t &ll3 In ,&.t %he 0&% & h&nd%o+e
0o+&n 0ith &ll the &ttend&nt per87i%ite% o, & .h&r+ing &nd 0itty .7lt7re
27lt7re &nd, .r7dely p7t, & +e.h&ni. in the %&.'3 -erh&p% it 0&% the ,&.t th&t
0hen the light hit Fli2e &t & .ert&in &ngle %he ine?pli.&bly re%e+bled +y
A7nt Ii,'&3 Not th&t Fli2e &.t7&lly loo&ed li'e +y +other)% %i%ter3 @Ii,'&
h&d the &ppe&r&n.e o, & .h&r&.ter in Giddi%h ,ol'lore .&lled the =ole+3A It
0&% <7%t th&t %o+e 2&g7e %i+il&rity e?i%ted &ro7nd the eye%, &nd then only i,
the %h&do0% ,ell properly3 -erh&p% it 0&% thi% in.e%t t&boo or perh&p% it 0&%
<7%t th&t & ,&.e &nd body li'e 5i,,&ny S.h+eederer)% .o+e% &long e2ery ,e0
+illion ye&r% &nd 7%7&lly her&ld% &n i.e &ge or the de%tr7.tion o, the 0orld
by ,ire3 5he point i%, +y need% re87ired the be%t o, t0o 0o+en3
It 0&% Fli2e I +et ,ir%t3 And thi% &,ter &n endle%% %tring o, rel&tion%hip%
0herein +y p&rtner in2&ri&bly le,t %o+ething to be de%ired3 :y ,ir%t 0i,e
0&% brilli&nt, b7t h&d no %en%e o, h7+or3 F, the :&r? Brother%, %he 0&%
.on2in.ed the &+7%ing one 0&% Meppo3 :y %e.ond 0i,e 0&% be&7ti,7l, b7t
l&.'ed re&l p&%%ion3 I re.&ll on.e, 0hile 0e 0ere +&'ing lo2e, & .7rio7%
opti.&l ill7%ion o..7rred &nd ,or & %plit %e.ond it &l+o%t loo'ed &% tho7gh
%he 0&% +o2ing3 Sh&ron -,l7g, 0ho+ I li2ed 0ith ,or three +onth%, 0&% too
ho%tile3 Whitney Wei%gl&%% 0&% too &..o++od&ting3 -ipp& :ond&le, &
.heer,7l di2or.ee, +&de the ,&t&l +i%t&'e o, de,ending .&ndle% %h&ped li'e
H&7rel &nd 6&rdy3
Well+e&ning ,riend% ,i?ed +e 7p 0ith & relentle%% %p&te o, blind d&te%,
&ll 7nerringly ,ro+ the p&ge% o, 63 -3 Ho2e.r&,t3 Ad%, &n%0ered o7t o,
de%per&tion, in the Ne* 'o%& Revie* of Boo&s, pro2ed e87&lly ,7tile &% the
9thirtyi%h poete%%9 0&% %i?tyi%h, the 9.oed 0ho en<oy% B&.h &nd Beo07l,9
loo'ed li'e =rendel, &nd the 9B&y Are& bi%e?7&l9 told +e I didn)t 87ite
.oin.ide 0ith either o, her de%ire%3 5hi% i% not to i+ply th&t no0 &nd &g&in
&n &pp&rent pl7+ 0o7ld not %o+eho0 e+erge* & be&7ti,7l 0o+&n, %en%7&l
&nd 0i%e 0ith i+pre%%i2e .redenti&l% &nd 0inning 0&y%3 B7t, obeying %o+e
&geold l&0, perh&p% ,ro+ the Fld 5e%t&+ent or (gypti&n Boo& of the #ead,
she 0o7ld re<e.t me3 And %o it 0&% th&t I 0&% the +o%t +i%er&ble o, +en3 Fn
the %7r,&.e, &pp&rently ble%%ed 0ith &ll the ne.e%%itie% ,or the good li,e3
;nderne&th, de%per&tely in %e&r.h o, & ,7l,illing lo2e3
Night% o, loneline%% led +e to ponder the e%theti.% o, per,e.tion3 I%
&nything in n&t7re &.t7&lly 9per,e.t9 0ith the e?.eption o, +y ;n.le 6y
+&n)% %t7pidityC Who &+ I to de+&nd per,e.tionC I, 0ith +y +yri&d ,&7lt%3 I
+&de & li%t o, +y ,&7lt%, b7t .o7ld not get p&%t* 1A So+eti+e% ,orget% hi% h&t3
>id &nyone I 'no0 h&2e & 9+e&ning,7l rel&tion%hip9C :y p&rent% %t&yed
together ,orty ye&r%, b7t th&t 0&% o7t o, %pite3 =reengl&%%, ¬her do.tor &t
the ho%pit&l, +&rried & 0o+&n 0ho loo'ed li'e & $et& .hee%e 9be.&7%e %he)%
'ind39 Iri% :er+&n .he&ted 0ith &ny +&n 0ho 0&% regi%tered to 2ote in the
tri%t&te &re&3 Nobody)% rel&tion%hip .o7ld &.t7&lly be .&lled h&ppy3 Soon I
beg&n to h&2e night+&re%3
I dre&+ed I 2i%ited & %ingle% b&r 0here I 0&% &tt&.'ed by & g&ng o,
ro2ing %e.ret&rie%3 5hey br&ndi%hed 'ni2e% &nd ,or.ed +e to %&y ,&2or&ble
thing% &bo7t the boro7gh o, N7een%3 :y &n&ly%t .o7n%eled .o+pro+i%e3 :y
r&bbi %&id, 9Settle, %ettle3 Wh&t &bo7t & 0o+&n li'e :r%3 BlitD%teinC She +&y
not be & gre&t be&7ty, b7t nobody i% better &t %+7ggling ,ood &nd light
,ire&r+% in &nd o7t o, & ghetto39 An &.tre%% I +et, 0ho &%%7red +e her re&l
&+bition 0&% to be & 0&itre%% &t & .o,,eeho7%e, %ee+ed pro+i%ing, b7t
d7ring one brie, dinner her %ingle re%pon%e to e2erything I %&id 0&%, 95h&t)%
D&lid39 5hen one e2ening, in &n e,,ort to 7n0ind &,ter & p&rti.7l&rly trying
d&y &t the ho%pit&l, I &ttended & Str&2in%'y .on.ert &lone3 >7ring
inter+i%%ion I +et Fli2e Cho+%'y &nd +y li,e .h&nged3
Fli2e Cho+%'y, liter&te &nd 0ry, 0ho 87oted (liot &nd pl&yed tenni%
&nd &l%o B&.h)% 950o -&rt In2ention%9 on the pi&no3 And 0ho ne2er %&id,
9Fh, 0o0,9 or 0ore &nything +&r'ed -7..i or =7..i or li%tened to .o7ntry
&nd 0e%tern +7%i. or di&log7e r&dio3 And in.ident&lly, 0ho 0&% &l0&y%
0illing &t the drop o, & h&t to do the 7n%pe&'&ble &nd e2en initi&te it3 Wh&t
<oy,7l +onth% %pent 0ith her till +y %e? dri2e @li%ted, I belie2e, in the
8uinness Boo& of Wo%ld Reco%ds/ 0&ned3 Con.ert%, +o2ie%, dinner%,
0ee'end%, endle%% 0onder,7l di%.7%%ion% o, e2erything ,ro+ -ogo to Iig
Oed&3 And ne2er & g&,,e ,ro+ her lip%3 In%ight% only3 Wit tooE And o, .o7r%e
the &ppropri&te ho%tility to0&rd &ll de%er2ing t&rget%* politi.i&n%, tele2i%ion,
,&.eli,t%, the &r.hite.t7re o, ho7%ing pro<e.t%, +en in lei%7re %7it%, ,il+
.o7r%e%, &nd people 0ho begin %enten.e% 0ith 9b&%i.&lly39
Fh, .7r%e the d&y th&t & 0&nton r&y o, light .o&?ed ,orth tho%e ine,,&ble
,&.i&l line% bringing to +ind A7nt Ii,'&)% %tolid 2i%&ge3 And .7r%e the d&y
&l%o th&t &t & lo,t p&rty in Soho, &n eroti. &r.hetype 0ith the 7nli'ely n&+e
o, 5i,,&ny S.h+eederer &d<7%ted the top o, her pl&id 0ool 'nee%o.' &nd %&id
to +e 0ith & 2oi.e re%e+bling th&t o, & +o7%e in the &ni+&ted .&rtoon%,
9Wh&t %ign &re yo7C9 6&ir &nd ,&ng% &7dibly ri%ing on +y ,&.e in the
+&nner o, the .l&%%i. ly.&nthropi., I ,elt .o+pelled to oblige her 0ith & brie,
di%.7%%ion o, &%trology, & %7b<e.t ri2&ling +y intelle.t7&l intere%t 0ith %7.h
he&2y i%%7e% &% e%t, &lph& 0&2e%, &nd the &bility o, lepre.h&7n% to lo.&te
gold3
6o7r% l&ter I ,o7nd +y%el, in & %t&te o, 0&?y ,le?ibility &% the l&%t pie.e
o, bi'ini 7nderp&nt% %lid noi%ele%%ly to the ,loor &ro7nd her &n'le% 0hile I
l&p%ed ine?pli.&bly into the >7t.h N&tion&l Anthe+3 We pro.eeded to +&'e
lo2e in the +&nner o, 5he $lying W&llend&%3 And %o it beg&n3
Alibi% to Fli2e3 $7rti2e +eeting% 0ith 5i,,&ny3 (?.7%e% ,or the 0o+&n I
lo2ed 0hile +y l7%t 0&% %pent el%e0here3 Spent, in ,&.t, on &n e+pty little
yoyo 0ho%e to7.h &nd 0iggle .&7%ed the top o, +y he&d to di%lodge li'e &
,ri%bee &nd ho2er in %p&.e li'e & ,lying %&7.er3 I 0&% ,or%&'ing +y
re%pon%ibility to the 0o+&n o, +y dre&+% ,or & phy%i.&l ob%e%%ion not
7nli'e the one (+il B&nning% e?perien.ed in The Blue Angel Fn.e I ,eigned
illne%%, &%'ing Fli2e to &ttend & Br&h+% Sy+phony 0ith her +other %o th&t I
.o7ld %&ti%,y the +oroni. 0hi+% o, +y %en%7&l godde%% 0ho in%i%ted I drop
o2er to 0&t.h 95hi% I% Go7r Hi,e9 on tele2i%ion, 9be.&7%e they)re doing
Bohnny C&%hE9 Get, &,ter I p&id +y d7e% by %itting thro7gh the %ho0, %he
re0&rded +e by di++ing the rheo%t&t% &nd tr&n%porting +y libido to the
pl&net Nept7ne3 Another ti+e I .&%7&lly told Fli2e I 0&% going o7t to b7y
the p&per%3 5hen I r&.ed %e2en blo.'% to 5i,,&ny)%, too' the ele2&tor 7p to
her ,loor, b7t, &% l7.' 0o7ld h&2e it, the in,ern&l li,t %t7.'3 I p&.ed li'e &
.&ged .o7g&r bet0een ,loor%, 7n&ble to %&ti%,y +y ,l&+ing de%ire% &nd &l%o
7n&ble to ret7rn ho+e by & .redible ti+e3 Iele&%ed &t l&%t by %o+e ,ire+en, I
hy%teri.&lly .on.o.ted & t&le ,or Fli2e ,e&t7ring +y%el,, t0o +7gger% &nd
the Ho.h Ne%% +on%ter3
$ort7n&tely, l7.' 0&% on +y %ide &nd %he 0&% %leeping 0hen I ret7rned
ho+e3 Fli2e)% o0n inn&te de.en.y +&de it 7nthin'&ble to her th&t I 0o7ld
de.ei2e her 0ith ¬her 0o+&n, &nd 0hile the ,re87en.y o, o7r phy%i.&l
rel&tion% h&d ,&llen o,,, I h7%b&nded +y %t&+in& in %7.h & +&nner &% to &t
le&%t p&rti&lly %&ti%,y her3 Con%t&ntly ridden 0ith g7ilt, I o,,ered ,li+%y &libi%
&bo7t ,&tig7e ,ro+ o2er0or', 0hi.h %he bo7ght 0ith the g7ilele%%ne%% o, &n
&ngel3 In tr7th, the 0hole orde&l 0&% t&'ing it% toll on +e &% the +onth% 0ent
by3 I gre0 to loo' +ore &nd +ore li'e the ,ig7re in (d2&rd :7n.h)% 95he
S.re&+39
-ity +y dile++&, de&r re&derE 5hi% +&ddening predi.&+ent th&t &,,li.t%
perh&p% & good +&ny o, +y .onte+por&rie%3 Ne2er to ,ind &ll the re87ire
+ent% one need% in & %ingle +e+ber o, the oppo%ite %e?3 Fn one h&nd, the
y&0ning &by%% o, .o+pro+i%e3 Fn the other, the ener2&ting &nd rep
rehen%ible e?i%ten.e o, the &+oro7% .he&t3 Were the $ren.h rightC W&% the
tri.' to h&2e & 0i,e &nd &l%o & +i%tre%%, thereby deleg&ting re%pon%ibility ,or
2&ried need% bet0een t0o p&rtie%C I 'ne0 th&t i, I propo%ed thi% &rr&nge+ent
openly to Fli2e, 7nder%t&nding &% %he 0&%, the .h&n.e% 0ere 2ery good I
0o7ld 0ind 7p i+p&led on her Briti%h 7+brell&3 I gre0 0e&ry &nd depre%%ed
&nd .onte+pl&ted %7i.ide3 I held & pi%tol to +y he&d, b7t &t the l&%t +o+ent
lo%t +y ner2e &nd ,ired in the &ir3 5he b7llet p&%%ed thro7gh +y .eiling,
.&7%ing :r%3 $itel%on in the &p&rt+ent o2erhe&d to le&p %tr&ight 7p0&rd onto
her boo'%hel, &nd re+&in per.hed there thro7gho7t the high holid&y%3
5hen one night it &ll .le&red 7p3 S7ddenly, &nd 0ith & .l&rity one 7%7&lly
&%%o.i&te% 0ith HS>, +y .o7r%e o, &.tion be.&+e &pp&rent3 I h&d t&'en
Fli2e to %ee & re2i2&l o, & Bel& H7go%i ,il+ &t the (lgin3 In the .r7.i&l %.ene,
H7go%i, & +&d %.ienti%t, %0it.he% the br&in o, %o+e 7nl7.'y 2i.ti+ 0ith th&t
o, & gorill&, both being %tr&pped to oper&ting t&ble% d7ring &n ele.tri.&l
%tor+3 I, %7.h & thing .o7ld be de2i%ed by & %.reen0riter in the 0orld o,
,i.tion, %7rely & %7rgeon o, +y &bility .o7ld, in re&l li,e, &..o+pli%h the
%&+e thing3
Well, de&r re&der, I 0on)t bore yo7 0ith the det&il% 0hi.h &re highly
te.hni.&l &nd not e&%ily 7nder%tood by the l&y +ent&lity3 S7,,i.e it to %&y
th&t one d&r' &nd %tor+y night & %h&do0y ,ig7re +ight h&2e been ob%er2ed
%+7ggling t0o dr7gged 0o+en @one 0ith & %h&pe th&t .&7%ed +en to dri2e
their .&r% 7p on the %ide0&l'A into &n 7n7%ed oper&ting roo+ &t $lo0er $i,th
A2en7e3 5here, &% bolt% o, lightning .r&.'led <&ggedly thro7gh the %'y, he
per,or+ed &n oper&tion done be,ore only in the 0orld o, .ell7loid ,&nt&%y,
&nd then by & 67ng&ri&n &.tor 0ho 0o7ld one d&y t7rn the hi.'ey into &n &rt
,or+3
5he re%7ltC 5i,,&ny S.h+eederer, her +ind no0 e?i%ting in the le%%
%pe.t&.7l&r body o, Fli2e Cho+%'y, ,o7nd her%el, delight,7lly ,ree ,ro+ the
.7r%e o, being & %e? ob<e.t3 A% >&r0in t&7ght 7%, %he %oon de2eloped & 'een
intelligen.e, &nd 0hile not perh&p% the e87&l o, 6&nn&h Arendt)%, it did
per+it her to re.ogniDe the ,ollie% o, &%trology &nd +&rry h&ppily3 Fli2e
Cho+%'y, %7ddenly the po%%e%%or o, & .o%+i. topogr&phy to go 0ith her
other %7perb gi,t%, be.&+e +y 0i,e &% I be.&+e the en2y o, &ll &ro7nd +e3
5he only hit.h 0&% th&t &,ter %e2er&l +onth% o, bli%% 0ith Fli2e th&t 0&%
the e87&l o, &nything in the A%a.ian Nights, I ine?pli.&bly gre0 di%%&ti%,ied
0ith thi% dre&+ 0o+&n &nd de2eloped in%te&d & .r7%h on Billie Be&n
M&pr7der, &n &irline %te0&rde%% 0ho%e boyi%h, ,l&t ,ig7re &nd Al&b&+&
t0&ng .&7%ed +y he&rt to do ,lip,lop%3 It 0&% &t thi% point th&t I re%igned +y
po%ition &t the ho%pit&l, donned +y pin0heel h&t &nd 'n&p%&.' &nd beg&n
%'&ting do0n Bro&d0&y3
Reminisenes'
(laes and (eo!le
BIFFLHGN* 5I((HIN(> S5I((5S3 5he Bridge3 Ch7r.he% &nd .e+eterie%
e2ery0here3 And .&ndy %tore%3 A %+&ll boy help% & be&rded old +&n &.ro%%
the %treet &nd %&y%, 9=ood S&bb&th39 5he old +&n %+ile% &nd e+ptie% hi%
pipe on the boy)% he&d3 5he .hild r7n% .rying into hi% ho7%e3 3 3 3 Sti,,ing he&t
&nd h7+idity de%.end on the boro7gh3 Ie%ident% bring ,olding .h&ir% o7t
onto the %treet &,ter dinner to %it &nd t&l'3 S7ddenly it begin% to %no03
Con,7%ion %et% in3 A 2ender 0end% hi% 0&y do0n the %treet %elling hot
pretDel%3 6e i% %et 7pon by dog% &nd .h&%ed 7p & tree3 ;n,ort7n&tely ,or hi+,
there &re +ore dog% &t the top o, the tree3
9BennyE BennyE9 A +other i% .&lling her %on3 Benny i% %i?teen b7t
&lre&dy h&% & poli.e re.ord3 When he i% t0enty%i?, he 0ill go to the ele.tri.
.h&ir3 At thirty%i?, he 0ill be h&nged3 At ,i,ty, he 0ill o0n hi% o0n dry
.le&ning %tore3 No0 hi% +other %er2e% bre&',&%t, &nd be.&7%e the ,&+ily i%
too poor to &,,ord ,re%h roll% he %pre&d% +&r+&l&de on the Ne*s
(bbet% $ield* $&n% line Bed,ord A2en7e in hope% o, retrie2ing ho+er7n
b&ll% hit o2er the right,ield 0&ll3 A,ter eight %.orele%% inning%, there i% & ro&r
,ro+ the .ro0d3 A b&ll %&il% o2er the 0&ll, &nd e&ger ,&n% <o%tle ,or itE $or
%o+e re&%on, it i% & ,ootb&llJno one 'no0% 0hy3 H&ter th&t %e&%on, the
o0ner o, the Broo'lyn >odger% 0ill tr&de hi% %hort%top to -itt%b7rgh ,or &
le,t ,ielder, &nd then he 0ill tr&de hi+%el, to Bo%ton ,or the o0ner o, the
Br&2e% &nd hi% t0o yo7nge%t .hildren3
Sheep%he&d B&y* A le&thery,&.ed +&n l&7gh% he&rtily &nd h&7l% 7p hi%
.r&b tr&p%3 A gi&nt .r&b %eiDe% the +&n)% no%e bet0een hi% .l&0%3 5he +&n i%
no longer l&7ghing3 6i% ,riend% p7ll hi+ ,ro+ one %ide 0hile the .r&b)%
,riend% p7ll ,ro+ the other3 It i% no 7%e3 5he %7n %et%3 5hey &re %till &t it3
Ne0 Frle&n%* A <&DD b&nd %t&nd% in the r&in &t & .e+etery pl&ying
+o7rn,7l hy+n% &% & body i% lo0ered into the e&rth3 No0 they %tri'e 7p &
%pirited +&r.h &nd begin the p&r&de b&.' to to0n3 6&l,0&y there, %o+eone
re&liDe% they h&2e b7ried the 0rong +&n3 Wh&t)% +ore, they 0eren)t e2en
.lo%e3 5he per%on they b7ried 0&% not de&d, or e2en %i.'K in ,&.t, he 0&%
yodelling &t the ti+e3 5hey ret7rn to the .e+etery &nd e?h7+e the poor +&n,
0ho thre&ten% to %7e, <ho7gh they pro+i%e to let hi+ h&2e hi% %7it .le&ned
&nd %end the+ the bill3 :e&n0hile, no one 'no0% 0hi.h per%on i% &.t7&lly
de&d3 5he b&nd .ontin7e% to pl&y 0hile e&.h o, the onloo'er% i% b7ried in
t7rn, on the theory th&t the de.e&%ed 0ill go do0n the %+oothe%t3 Soon it
be.o+e% &pp&rent th&t no one h&% died, &nd no0 it i% too l&te to get & body,
be.&7%e o, the holid&y r7%h3
It i% :&rdi =r&%3 Creole ,ood e2ery0here3 Cro0d% in .o%t7+e <&+ the
%treet%3 A +&n dre%%ed &% & %hri+p i% thro0n into & %te&+ing pot o, bi%87e3
6e prote%t%, b7t no one belie2e% he i% not & .r7%t&.e&n3 $in&lly he prod7.e% &
dri2er)% li.en%e &nd i% rele&%ed3
Be&7reg&rd S87&re i% tee+ing 0ith %ight%eer%3 Fn.e :&rie H&2e&7
pr&.ti.ed 2oodoo here3 No0 &n old 6&iti&n 9.on<7re +&n9 i% %elling doll%
&nd &+7let%3 A poli.e+&n tell% hi+ to +o2e on, &nd &n &rg7+ent begin%3
When it i% o2er, the poli.e+&n i% ,o7r in.he% t&ll3 F7tr&ged, he %till trie% to
+&'e &n &rre%t, b7t hi% 2oi.e i% %o high th&t no one .&n 7nder%t&nd hi+3
-re%ently & .&t .ro%%e% the %treet, &nd the poli.e+&n i% ,or.ed to r7n ,or hi%
li,e3
-&ri%* Wet p&2e+ent%3 And light%Je2ery0here there &re light%E I .o+e
7pon & +&n &t &n o7tdoor .&,e3 It i% Andre :&lr&7?3 Fddly, he thin'% th&t I
&+ Andre :&lr&7?3 I e?pl&in th&t he i% :&lr&7? &nd I &+ <7%t & %t7dent3 6e
i% relie2ed to he&r thi%, &% he i% ,ond o, :+e3 :&lr&7? &nd 0o7ld h&te to
thin' %he i% +y 0i,e3 We t&l' o, %erio7% thing%, &nd he tell% +e th&t +&n i%
,ree to .hoo%e hi% o0n ,&te &nd th&t not 7ntil he re&liDe% th&t de&th i% p&rt o,
li,e .&n he re&lly 7nder%t&nd e?i%ten.e3 5hen he o,,er% to %ell +e & r&bbit)%
,oot3 Ge&r% l&ter, 0e +eet &t & dinner, &nd &g&in he in%i%t% th&t I &+ :&lr&7?3
5hi% ti+e, I go &long 0ith it &nd get to e&t hi% ,r7it .o.'t&il3
A7t7+n3 -&ri% i% .rippled by ¬her %tri'e3 No0 it i% the &.rob&t%3 No
one i% t7+bling, &nd the .ity .o+e% to & %t&nd%till3 Soon the %tri'e %pre&d% to
in.l7de <7ggler%, &nd then 2entrilo87i%t%3 -&ri%i&n% reg&rd the%e &% e%%enti&l
%er2i.e%, &nd +&ny %t7dent% be.o+e 2iolent3 50o Algeri&n% &re .&7ght
pr&.ti.ing h&nd%t&nd% &nd their he&d% &re %h&2ed3
A tenye&rold girl 0ith long bro0n .7rl% &nd green eye% hide% & pl&%ti.
e?plo%i2e de2i.e in the :ini%ter o, the Interior)% .ho.ol&te +o7%%e3 With the
,ir%t bite, he p&%%e% thro7gh the roo, o, $o787et)% &nd l&nd% 7nh&r+ed in He%
6&lle%3 No0 He% 6&lle% i% no +ore3
5hro7gh :e?i.o by &7to* 5he po2erty i% %t&ggering3 Cl7%ter% o,
%o+brero% e2o'e the +7r&l% o, FroD.o3 It i% o2er & h7ndred degree% in the
%h&de3 A poor Indi&n %ell% +e & ,riedpor' en.hil&d&3 It t&%te% deli.io7%, &nd
I 0&%h it do0n 0ith %o+e i.e 0&ter3 I ,eel & %light 87e&%ine%% in the %to+&.h
&nd then %t&rt %pe&'ing >7t.h3 S7ddenly & +ild &bdo+in&l p&in .&7%e% +e to
%n&p o2er li'e & boo' %l&++ing %h7t3 Si? +onth% l&ter, I &0&'e in & :e?i.&n
ho%pit&l .o+pletely b&ld &nd .l7t.hing & G&le penn&nt3 It h&% been & ,e&r,7l
e?perien.e, &nd I &+ told th&t 0hen I 0&% delirio7% 0ith ,e2er &nd .lo%e to
de&th)% door I ordered t0o %7it% ,ro+ 6ong Long3
I re.7per&te in & 0&rd ,7ll o, +&ny 0onder,7l pe&%&nt%, %e2er&l o, 0ho+
0ill l&ter be.o+e .lo%e ,riend%3 5here i% Al,on%o, 0ho%e +other 0&nted hi+
to be & +&t&dor3 6e 0&% gored by & b7ll &nd then l&ter gored by hi% +other3
And B7&n, & %i+ple pig ,&r+er 0ho .o7ld not 0rite hi% n&+e b7t %o+eho0
+&n&ged to de,r&7d I35353 o7t o, %i? +illion doll&r%3 And old 6ern&ndeD,
0ho h&d ridden be%ide M&p&t& ,or +&ny ye&r%, 7ntil the gre&t re2ol7tion&ry
h&d hi+ &rre%ted ,or .on%t&ntly 'i.'ing hi+3
I&in3 Si? %tr&ight d&y% o, r&in3 5hen ,og3 I %it in & Hondon p7b 0ith
Willie :&7gh&+3 I &+ di%tre%%ed, be.&7%e +y ,ir%t no2el, P%oud Emetic, h&%
been .oolly re.ei2ed by the .riti.%3 It% one ,&2or&ble noti.e, in the Times,
0&% 2iti&ted by the l&%t %enten.e, 0hi.h .&lled the boo' 9& +i&%+& o, &%inine
.li.he% 7nri2&lled in We%tern letter%39
:&7gh&+ e?pl&in% th&t 0hile thi% 87ote .&n be interpreted +&ny 0&y%, it
+ight be be%t not to 7%e it in the print &d%3 No0 0e %troll 7p Fld Bro+pton
Io&d, &nd the r&in% .o+e &g&in3 I o,,er +y 7+brell& to :&7gh&+ &nd he
t&'e% it, de%pite the ,&.t he &lre&dy h&% &n 7+brell&3 :&7gh&+ no0 .&rrie%
t0o open 7+brell&% 0hile I r7n &long be%ide hi+3
9Fne +7%t ne2er t&'e .riti.i%+ too %erio7%ly,9 he tell% +e3 9:y ,ir%t
%hort %tory 0&% h&r%hly deno7n.ed by one p&rti.7l&r .riti.3 I brooded &nd
+&de .&7%ti. re+&r'% &bo7t the +&n3 5hen one d&y I rere&d the %tory &nd
re&liDed he h&d been .orre.t3 It *as %h&llo0 &nd b&dly .on%tr7.ted3 I ne2er
,orgot the in.ident, &nd ye&r% l&ter, 0hen the H7,t0&,,e 0&% bo+bing
Hondon, I %hone & light on the .riti.)% ho7%e39
:&7gh&+ p&7%e% to b7y &nd open & third 7+brell&3 9In order to be &
0riter,9 he .ontin7e%, 9one +7%t t&'e .h&n.e% &nd not be &,r&id to loo'
,ooli%h3 I 0rote The Ra4o%+s Edge 0hile 0e&ring & p&per h&t3 In the ,ir%t dr&,t
o, Rain, S&die 5ho+p%on 0&% & p&rrot3 We grope3 We t&'e ri%'%3 All I h&d
0hen I beg&n 9f Human Bondage 0&% the .on<7n.tion )&nd3) I 'ne0 & %tory
0ith )&nd) in it .o7ld be delight,7l3 =r&d7&lly the re%t too' %h&pe39
A g7%t o, 0ind li,t% :&7gh&+ o,, hi% ,eet &nd %l&+% hi+ into & b7ilding3
6e .h7.'le%3 :&7gh&+ then o,,er% the gre&te%t &d2i.e &nyone .o7ld gi2e to
& yo7ng &7thor* 9At the end o, &n interrog&tory %enten.e, pl&.e & 87e%tion
+&r'3 Go7)d be %7rpri%ed ho0 e,,e.ti2e it .&n be39
Ne)ario#s Times
We %i*e In
G(S3 I CFN$(SS3 It 0&% I, Will&rd -ogrebin, +ild +&nnered &nd pro+i%ing &t
one ti+e in li,e, 0ho ,ired & %hot &t the -re%ident o, the ;nited St&te%3
$ort7n&tely ,or &ll .on.erned, & +e+ber o, the onloo'ing .ro0d <o%tled the
H7ger in +y h&nd .&7%ing the b7llet to ri.o.het o,, & :.>on&ld)% %ign &nd
lodge in %o+e br&t07r%t &t 6i++el%tein)% S&7%&ge (+pori7+3 A,ter & light
%.7,,le in 0hi.h %e2er&l =+en l&.ed +y tr&.he& into & ree, 'not, I 0&%
%7bd7ed &nd .&rted o,, ,or ob%er2&tion3
6o0 did it h&ppen th&t I h&d .o+e to thi%, yo7 &%'C :e, & .h&r&.ter 0ith
no prono7n.ed politi.&l .on2i.tion%K 0ho%e .hildhood &+bition 0&% to pl&y
:endel%%ohn on the .ello or perh&p% d&n.e on point in the gre&t .&pit&l% o,
the 0orldC Well, it &ll beg&n t0o ye&r% &go3 I h&d <7%t been +edi.&lly
di%.h&rged ,ro+ the &r+y, the re%7lt% o, .ert&in %.ienti,i. e?peri+ent%
per,or+ed on +e 0itho7t +y 'no0ledge3 :ore pre.i%ely, & gro7p o, 7% h&d
been ,ed ro&%t .hi.'en %t7,,ed 0ith ly%ergi. &.id, in & re%e&r.h progr&+
de%igned to deter+ine the 87&ntity o, HS> & +&n .&n inge%t be,ore he
&tte+pt% to ,ly o2er the World 5r&de Center3 >e2eloping %e.ret 0e&pon% i%
o, gre&t i+port&n.e to the -ent&gon &nd the pre2io7% 0ee' I h&d been %hot
0ith & d&rt 0ho%e dr7gged tip .&7%ed +e to loo' &nd t&l' e?&.tly li'e
S&l2&dor >&li3 C7+7l&ti2e %ide e,,e.t% too' their toll on +y per.eption &nd
0hen I .o7ld no longer tell the di,,eren.e bet0een +y brother :orri% &nd
t0o %o,tboiled egg%, I 0&% di%.h&rged3
(le.tro%ho.' ther&py &t the Oeter&n% 6o%pit&l helped <ho7gh 0ire% got
.ro%%ed 0ith & beh&2ior&l p%y.hology l&b &nd I &long 0ith %e2er&l
.hi+p&nDee% &ll per,or+ed The 1he%%y 9%cha%d together in per,e.t (ngli%h3
Bro'e &nd &lone 7pon +y rele&%e, I re.&ll hit.hhi'ing 0e%t &nd being pi.'ed
7p by t0o n&ti2e C&li,orni&n%* & .h&ri%+&ti. yo7ng +&n 0ith & be&rd li'e
I&%p7tin)% &nd & .h&ri%+&ti. yo7ng 0o+&n 0ith & be&rd li'e S2eng&li)%3 I
0&% e?&.tly 0h&t they 0ere loo'ing ,or, they e?pl&ined, &% they 0ere in the
pro.e%% o, tr&n%.ribing the L&b&ll&h on p&r.h+ent &nd h&d r7n o7t o, blood3
I tried to e?pl&in th&t I 0&% en ro7te to 6olly0ood %ee'ing hone%t
e+ploy+ent b7t the .o+bin&tion o, their hypnoti. eye% &nd & 'ni,e the %iDe
o, & %.7lling o&r .on2in.ed +e o, their %in.erity3 I re.&ll being dri2en to &
de%erted r&n.h 0here %e2er&l +e%+eriDed yo7ng 0o+en ,or.e ,ed +e
org&ni. he<h ,ood% &nd then tried to e+bo%% the %ign o, the pent&gr&+ on
+y ,orehe&d 0ith & %oldering iron3 I then 0itne%%ed & bl&.' +&%% in 0hi.h
hooded &dole%.ent &.olyte% .h&nted the 0ord%, 9Fh 0o0,9 in H&tin3 I &l%o
re.&ll being +&de to t&'e peyote &nd .o.&ine &nd e&t & 0hite %7b%t&n.e th&t
.&+e ,ro+ boiled .&.t7%, 0hi.h .&7%ed +y he&d to re2ol2e .o+pletely
&ro7nd li'e & r&d&r di%h3 $7rther det&il% e%.&pe +e, <ho7gh +y +ind 0&%
.le&rly &,,e.ted &% t0o +onth% l&ter I 0&% &rre%ted in Be2erly 6ill% ,or trying
to +&rry &n oy%ter3
;pon +y rele&%e ,ro+ poli.e .7%tody I longed ,or %o+e inner pe&.e in
&n &tte+pt to pre%er2e 0h&t re+&ined o, +y pre.&rio7% %&nity3 :ore th&n
on.e I h&d been %oli.ited by &rdent pro%elytiDer% on the %treet to %ee'
religio7% %&l2&tion 0ith the Ie2erend Cho0 Bo' >ing, & +oon,&.ed
.h&ri%+&ti., 0ho .o+bined the te&.hing% o, H&o5De 0ith the 0i%do+ o,
Iobert Oe%.o3 An e%theti. +&n 0ho reno7n.ed &ll 0orldly po%%e%%ion% in
e?.e%% o, tho%e o0ned by Ch&rle% $o%ter L&ne, the Ie2erend >ing e?pl&ined
hi% t0o +ode%t go&l%3 Fne 0&% to in%till in &ll hi% ,ollo0er% the 2&l7e% o,
pr&yer, ,&%ting, &nd brotherhood &nd the other 0&% to le&d the+ in & religio7%
0&r &g&in%t the NA5F .o7ntrie%3 A,ter &ttending %e2er&l %er+on%, I noti.ed
th&t Ie2erend >ing thri2ed on robotli'e ,e<y &nd &ny di+in7tion o, di2ine
,er2or +et 0ith r&i%ed eyebro0%3 When I +entioned th&t it %ee+ed to +e the
Ie2erend)% ,ollo0er% 0ere being %y%te+&ti.&lly t7rned into +indle%%
Do+bie% by & ,r&7d7lent +eg&lo+&ni&., it 0&% t&'en &% .riti.i%+3 :o+ent%
l&ter I 0&% led %0i,tly by +y lo0er lip into & de2otion&l %hrine, 0here
.ert&in +inion% o, the Ie2erend 0ho re%e+bled S7+o 0re%tler% %7gge%ted I
rethin' +y po%ition ,or & ,e0 0ee'% 0ith no petty di%tr&.tion% li'e ,ood or
0&ter3 5o ,7rther 7nder%.ore the gener&l %en%e o, di%&ppoint+ent 0ith +y
&ttit7de, & ,i%t ,7ll o, 87&rter% 0&% &pplied to +y g7+% 0ith pne7+&ti.
reg7l&rity3 Ironi.&lly, the only thing th&t 'ept +e ,ro+ going in%&ne 0&% the
.on%t&nt repe&ting o, +y pri2&te +&ntr&, 0hi.h 0&% 9Goi.'%39 $in&lly, I
%7..7+bed to the terror &nd beg&n to h&ll7.in&te3 I re.&ll %eeing
$r&n'en%tein %troll thro7gh Co2ent =&rden% 0ith & h&+b7rger on %'i%3
$o7r 0ee'% l&ter I &0o'e in & ho%pit&l re&%on&bly F3L3 e?.ept ,or & ,e0
br7i%e% &nd the ,ir+ .on2i.tion th&t I 0&% Igor Str&2in%'y3 I le&rned the
Ie2erend >ing h&d been %7ed by & ,i,teenye&rold :&h&ri%hi o2er the
87e%tion o, 0hi.h o, the+ 0&% &.t7&lly =od &nd there,ore entitled to ,ree
p&%%e% to Hoe0)% Frphe7+3 5he i%%7e 0&% ,in&lly re%ol2ed 0ith the help o,
the B7n.o S87&d &nd both g7r7% 0ere &pprehended &% they tried to be&t it
&.ro%% the border to Nir2&n&, :e?i.o3
By thi% ti+e, <ho7gh phy%i.&lly int&.t, I h&d de2eloped the e+otion&l
%t&bility o, C&lig7l& &nd hoping to reb7ild +y %h&ttered p%y.he, I 2ol7n
teered ,or & progr&+ .&lled -(5J-erle+7tter)% (go 5her&py, n&+ed &,ter
it% .h&ri%+&ti. ,o7nder, =7%t&2e -erle+7tter3 -erle+7tter h&d been & ,or+er
bop %&?ophoni%t &nd h&d .o+e to p%y.hother&py l&te in li,e b7t hi% +ethod
h&d &ttr&.ted +&ny ,&+o7% ,il+ %t&r% 0ho %0ore th&t it .h&nged the+ +7.h
+ore r&pidly &nd in & deeper 0&y th&n e2en the &%trology .ol7+n in
1osmo-olitan
A gro7p o, ne7roti.%, +o%t o, 0ho+ h&d %tr7.' o7t 0ith +ore
.on2ention&l tre&t+ent, 0ere dri2en to & ple&%&nt r7r&l %p&3 I %7ppo%e I
%ho7ld h&2e %7%pe.ted %o+ething ,ro+ the b&rbed 0ire &nd the >ober+&n%
b7t -erle+7tter)% 7nderling% &%%7red 7% th&t the %.re&+ing 0e he&rd 0&%
p7rely pri+&l3 $or.ed to %it 7pright in h&rdb&.'ed .h&ir% 0ith no relie, ,or
%e2entyt0o %tr&ight ho7r%, o7r re%i%t&n.e gr&d7&lly .r7+pled &nd it 0&% not
long be,ore -erle+7tter 0&% re&ding 7% p&%%&ge% ,ro+ (ein :am-f A% ti+e
p&%%ed it 0&% .le&r th&t he 0&% & tot&l p%y.hoti. 0ho%e ther&py .on%i%ted o,
%por&di. &d+onition% to 9.heer 7p39
Se2er&l o, the +ore di%ill7%ioned one% tried to le&2e b7t to their .h&grin
,o7nd the %7rro7nding ,en.e% ele.tri,ied3 Altho7gh -erle+7tter in%i%ted he
0&% & do.tor o, the +ind, I noti.ed he 'ept re.ei2ing phone .&ll% ,ro+ G&%%ir
Ar&,&t &nd 0ere it not ,or & l&%t +in7te r&id on the pre+i%e% by &gent% o,
Si+on Wie%enth&l there i% no telling 0h&t +ight h&2e h&ppened3
5en%e &nd 7nder%t&nd&bly .yni.&l by the t7rn o, e2ent%, I too' 7p
re%iden.e in S&n $r&n.i%.o, e&rning +oney in the only 0&y I no0 .o7ld, by
&git&ting &t Ber'eley &nd in,or+ing ,or the $BI3 $or %e2er&l +onth% I %old
&nd re%old bit% o, in,or+&tion to ,eder&l &gent%, +o%tly .on.erning & CIA
pl&n to te%t the re%ilien.y o, Ne0 Gor' City re%ident% by dropping pot&%%i7+
.y&nide in the re%er2oir3 Bet0een thi% &nd &n o,,er to be di&log7e .o&.h on &
%n7,, porn +o2ie, I .o7ld <7%t +&'e end% +eet3 5hen one e2ening, &% I
opened +y door to p7t o7t the g&rb&ge, t0o +en le&ped %te<hily ,ro+ the
%h&do0% &nd dr&ping & ,7rnit7re p&d o2er +y he&d, h7%tled +e o,, in the
tr7n' o, & .&r3 I re+e+ber being <&bbed 0ith & needle &nd be,ore I bl&.'ed
o7t he&ring 2oi.e% .o++ent th&t I %ee+ed he&2ier th&n -&tty b7t lighter th&n
6o,,&3 I &0&'ened to ,ind +y%el, in & d&r' .lo%et 0here I 0&% ,or.ed to
7ndergo tot&l %en%ory depri2&tion ,or three 0ee'%3 $ollo0ing th&t I 0&%
ti.'led by e?pert% &nd t0o +en %&ng .o7ntry &nd 0e%tern +7%i. to +e 7ntil I
&greed to do &nything they 0&nted3 I .&nnot 2o7.h ,or 0h&t en%7ed &% it i%
po%%ible it 0&% &ll & re%7lt o, +y br&in0&%hing b7t I 0&% then bro7ght into &
roo+ 0here -re%ident =er&ld $ord %hoo' +y h&nd &nd &%'ed +e i, I 0o7ld
,ollo0 hi+ &ro7nd the .o7ntry &nd t&'e & %hot &t hi+ no0 &nd then, being
.&re,7l to +i%%3 6e %&id it 0o7ld gi2e hi+ & .h&n.e to &.t br&2ely &nd .o7ld
%er2e &% & di%tr&.tion ,ro+ gen7ine i%%7e%, 0hi.h he ,elt 7ne87ipped to de&l
0ith3 In +y 0e&'ened .ondition I &greed to &nything3 50o d&y% l&ter the
in.ident &t 6i++el%tein)% S&7%&ge (+pori7+ o..7rred3
A $iant Ste!
)or Man+ind
H;NC6IN= G(S5(I>AG on .hi.'en in i.horJ& ho7%e %pe.i<y &t +y
,&2orite +idto0n re%t&7r&ntJI 0&% ,or.ed to li%ten to & pl&y0right &.
87&int&n.e de,end hi% l&te%t op7% &g&in%t & %et o, noti.e% th&t re&d li'e &
5ibet&n Boo& of the #ead >r&0ing ten7o7% .onne.tion% bet0een Sopho.le%)
di&log7e &nd hi% o0n, :o%e% =old0or+ 0ol,ed do0n hi% 2eget&ble .7tlet
&nd r&ged li'e C&rrie N&tion &g&in%t the Ne0 Gor' the&tre .riti.%3 I, o,
.o7r%e, .o7ld do nothing +ore th&n o,,er & %y+p&theti. e&r &nd &%%7re hi+
th&t the phr&%e 9& dr&+&ti%t o, Dero pro+i%e9 +ight be interpreted in %e2er&l
0&y%3 5hen, in the %plit %e.ond it t&'e% to go ,ro+ .&l+ to bedl&+, the
-inero +&n87Q h&l, ro%e ,ro+ hi% %e&t, %7ddenly 7n&ble to %pe&'3 $r&nti.&lly
0&2ing hi% &r+% &nd .l7t.hing hi% thro&t, the poor ,ello0 t7rned & %h&de o,
bl7e in2&ri&bly &%%o.i&ted 0ith 5ho+&% =&in%boro7gh3
9:y =od, 0h&t i% itC9 %o+eone %.re&+ed, &% %il2er0&re .l&ttered to the
,loor &nd he&d% t7rned ,ro+ e2ery t&ble3
96e)% h&2ing & .oron&ryE9 & 0&iter yelled3
9No, no, it)% & ,it,9 %&id & +&n &t the booth ne?t to +e3
=old0or+ .ontin7ed to %tr7ggle &nd 0&2e hi% &r+%, b7t 0ith e2er
di+ini%hing %tyle3 5hen, &% 2&rio7% +7t7&lly e?.l7%i2e re+edie% 0ere &d
2&n.ed in &n?io7% ,&l%etto% by %7ndry 0ell+e&ning hy%teri.% in the roo+,
the pl&y0right .on,ir+ed the 0&iter)% di&gno%i% by .oll&p%ing to the ,loor
li'e & %&.' o, ri2et%3 Cr7+pled in & ,orlorn he&p, =old0or+ %ee+ed de%tined
to %lip &0&y be,ore &n &+b7l&n.e .o7ld &rri2e, 0hen & %i?,oot %tr&nger
po%%e%%ing the .ool &plo+b o, &n &%tron&7t %trode to %t&ge .enter &nd %&id in
dr&+&ti. tone%, 9He&2e e2erything to +e, ,ol'%3 We don)t need & do.torJ
thi% i% not & .&rdi&. proble+3 By .l7t.hing hi% thro&t, thi% ,ello0 h&% +&de
the 7ni2er%&l %ign, 'no0n in e2ery .orner o, the 0orld, to indi.&te th&t he i%
.ho'ing3 5he %y+pto+% +&y &ppe&r to be the %&+e &% tho%e o, & +&n
%7,,ering ,ro+ & he&rt &tt&.', b7t thi% +&n, I &%%7re yo7, .&n be %&2ed by the
6ei+li.h :&ne72erE9
With th&t, the hero o, the +o+ent 0r&pped hi% &r+% &ro7nd +y
.o+p&nion ,ro+ behind &nd li,ted hi+ to &n 7pright po%ition3 -l&.ing hi% ,i%t
<7%t 7nder =old0or+)% %tern7+, he h7gged %h&rply, .&7%ing & %ide order o,
be&n .7rd to ro.'et o7t o, the 2i.ti+)% tr&.he& &nd .&ro+ o,, the h&t r&.'3
=old0or+ .&+e to &p&.e &nd th&n'ed hi% %&2ior, 0ho then dire.ted o7r
&ttention to & printed noti.e, %7pplied by the Bo&rd o, 6e<h, &,,i?ed to the
0&ll3 5he po%ter de%.ribed the &,ore+entioned dr&+& 0ith per,e.t ,idelity3
Wh&t 0e h&d 0itne%%ed 0&% indeed 9the 7ni2er%&l .ho'ing %ign&l,9
.on2eying the 2i.ti+)% trip&rtite plight* @1A C&nnot %pe&' or bre&the, @#A
57rn% bl7e, @!A Coll&p%e%3 5he di&gno%ti. %ign% on the noti.e 0ere ,ollo0ed
by .le&r dire.tion% on the &d+ini%tr&tion o, the li,e%&2ing pro.ed7re* the
%el,%&+e &br7pt h7g &nd re%7lting &irborne protein 0e h&d 0itne%%ed, 0hi.h
h&d relie2ed =old0or+ o, the &0'0&rd ,or+&litie% o, the Hong =oodbye3
A ,e0 +in7te% l&ter, %trolling ho+e on $i,th A2en7e, I 0ondered i, >r3
6ei+li.h, 0ho%e n&+e i% no0 %o ,ir+ly pl&.ed in the n&tion&l .on%.io7%ne%%
&% the di%.o2erer o, the +&r2ello7% +&ne72er I h&d <7%t %een per,or+ed, h&d
&ny ide& o, ho0 .lo%e he h&d on.e .o+e to being %.ooped by three %till
7tterly &nony+o7% %.ienti%t% 0ho h&d 0or'ed ,or +onth% on end in %e&r.h o,
& .7re ,or the %&+e perilo7% +e<i+e tr&7+&3 I &l%o 0ondered i, he 'ne0 o,
the e?i%ten.e o, & .ert&in di&ry 'ept by &n 7nn&+ed +e+ber o, the pioneer
trioJ& di&ry th&t .&+e into +y po%%e%%ion &t &7.tion 87ite by +i%t&'e,
be.&7%e o, it% %i+il&rity in he,t &nd .olor to &n ill7%tr&ted 0or' entitled
96&re+ Sl&2e%,9 ,or 0hi.h I h&d bid & tri,ling eight 0ee'%) %&l&ry3 $ollo0ing
&re %o+e e?.erpt% ,ro+ the di&ry, 0hi.h I %et do0n here p7rely in the
intere%t o, %.ien.e*
BAN;AIG !3 :et +y t0o .olle&g7e% tod&y ,or the ,ir%t ti+e &nd ,o7nd
the+ both en.h&nting, <ho7gh Wol,%hei+ i% not &t &ll &% I h&d i+&gined3
$or one thing, he i% he&2ier th&n in hi% photo @I thin' he 7%e% &n old oneA3
6i% be&rd i% o, & +edi7+ length b7t %ee+% to gro0 0ith the irr&tion&l
&b&ndon o, .r&bgr&%%3 Add to thi% thi.', b7%hy bro0% &nd be&dy eye% the
%iDe o, +i.robe%, 0hi.h d&rt &bo7t %7%pi.io7%ly behind %pe.t&.le% the
thi.'ne%% o, b7lletproo, gl&%%3 And then there &re the t0it.he%3 5he +&n h&%
&..7+7l&ted & repertoire o, ,&.i&l ti.% &nd blin'% th&t de+&nd nothing le%%
th&n & .o+plete +7%i.&l %.ore by Str&2in%'y3 And yet Abel Wol,%hei+ i% &
brilli&nt %.ienti%t 0ho%e 0or' on dinnert&ble .ho'ing h&% +&de hi+ &
legend the 0orld o2er3 6e 0&% 87ite ,l&ttered th&t I 0&% ,&+ili&r 0ith hi%
p&per on I&ndo+ =&gging, &nd he .on,ided to +e th&t +y on.e %'epti.&lly
reg&rded theory, th&t hi..7pping i% inn&te, i% no0 .o++only &..epted &t
:3I353
I, Wol,%hei+ i% e..entri.loo'ing, ho0e2er, the other +e+ber o, o7r
tri7+2ir&te i% e?&.tly 0h&t I h&d e?pe.ted ,ro+ re&ding her 0or'3 Sh7l&+ith
Arnol,ini, 0ho%e e?peri+ent% 0ith re.o+bin&nt >NA led to the .re&tion o, &
gerbil th&t .o7ld %ing 9Het :y -eople =o,9 i% Briti%h in the e?tre+eJ
predi.t&bly t0eedy, 0ith her h&ir %'7n in & b7n, &nd 0ith hornri++ed
gl&%%e% re%ting h&l,0&y do0n & be&' no%e3 $7rther+ore, %he po%%e%%e% &
%pee.h i+pedi+ent %o &7dibly <7i.y th&t to be ne&r her 0hen %he prono7n.e%
& 0ord li'e 9%e87e%tered9 i% e87i2&lent to %t&nding &t the .enter o, &
+on%oon3 I li'e the+ both &nd I predi.t gre&t di%.o2erie%3
BAN;AIG 53 5hing% did not get 7nder 0&y &% %+oothly &% I h&d hoped,
,or Wol,%hei+ &nd I h&2e h&d & +ild di%&gree+ent o2er pro.ed7re3 I
%7gge%ted doing o7r initi&l e?peri+ent% on +i.e, b7t he reg&rd% thi% &%
7nne.e%%&rily ti+id3 6i% ide& i% to 7%e .on2i.t%, ,eeding the+ l&rge .h7n'%
o, +e&t &t ,i2e%e.ond inter2&l%, 0ith in%tr7.tion% not to .he0 be,ore
%0&llo0ing3 Fnly then, he .l&i+%, .&n 0e ob%er2e the di+en%ion% o, the
proble+ in it% tr7e per%pe.ti2e3 I too' i%%7e on +or&l gro7nd%, &nd
Wol,%hei+ be.&+e de,en%i2e3 I &%'ed hi+ i, he ,elt %.ien.e 0&% &bo2e
+or&lity, &nd too' i%%7e 0ith hi% e87&ting h7+&n% &nd h&+%ter%3 Nor did I
&gree 0ith hi% %o+e0h&t e+otion&l &%%e%%+ent o, +e &% & 97ni87e +oron39
$ort7n&tely, Sh7l&+ith too' +y %ide3
BAN;AIG 73 5od&y 0&% & prod7.ti2e one ,or Sh7l&+ith &nd +e3
Wor'ing &ro7nd the .lo.', 0e ind7.ed %tr&ng7l&tion in & +o7%e3 5hi% 0&%
&..o+pli%hed by .o&?ing the rodent to inge%t he<hy portion% o, =o7d&
.hee%e &nd then +&'ing it l&7gh3 -redi.t&bly, the ,ood 0ent do0n the 0rong
pipe, &nd .ho'ing o..7rred3 =r&%ping the +o7%e ,ir+ly by the t&il, I %n&pped
it li'e & %+&ll 0hip, &nd the +or%el o, .hee%e .&+e loo%e3 Sh7l&+ith &nd I
+&de 2ol7+ino7% note% on the e?peri+ent3 I, 0e .&n tr&n%,er the t&il%n&p
pro.ed7re to h7+&n%, 0e +&y h&2e %o+ething3 5oo e&rly to tell3
$(BI;AIG 153 Wol,%hei+ h&% de2eloped & theory th&t he in%i%t% on
te%ting, <ho7gh I ,ind it %i+pli%ti.3 6e i% .on2in.ed th&t & per%on .ho'ing
on ,ood .&n be %&2ed by @hi% 0ord%A 9gi2ing the 2i.ti+ & drin' o, 0&ter39 At
,ir%t I tho7ght he 0&% <o'ing, b7t hi% inten%e +&nner &nd 0ild eye% indi.&ted
& de,inite .o++it+ent to the .on.ept3 Cle&rly, he h&% been 7p ,or d&y%
toying 0ith thi% notion, &nd in hi% l&bor&tory gl&%%e% o, 0&ter ,illed to
2&rio7% le2el% 0ere e2ery0here3 When I re%ponded %'epti.&lly, he &..7%ed
+e o, being neg&ti2e, &nd beg&n t0it.hing li'e & di%.o d&n.er3 Go7 .&n tell
he h&te% +e3
$(BI;AIG #73 5od&y 0&% & d&y o,,, &nd Sh7l&+ith &nd I de.ided to
+otor to the .o7ntry%ide3 Fn.e 0e 0ere o7t in n&t7re, the 0hole .on.ept o,
.ho'ing %ee+ed %o ,&r &0&y3 Sh7l&+ith told +e th&t %he h&d been +&rried
be,ore, to & %.ienti%t 0ho h&d pioneered & %t7dy o, r&dio&.ti2e i%otope%, &nd
0ho%e entire body 2&ni%hed in +id.on2er%&tion 0hile he 0&% te%ti,ying
be,ore & Sen&te .o++ittee3 We t&l'ed &bo7t o7r per%on&l pre,eren.e% &nd
t&%te% &nd di%.o2ered th&t 0e 0ere both ,ond o, the %&+e b&.teri&3 I &%'ed
Sh7l&+ith ho0 %he 0o7ld ,eel i, I 'i%%ed her3 She %&id, 9S0ell,9 gi2ing +e
the ,7ll +oi%t %pr&y pe.7li&r to her %pee.h proble+3 I h&2e .o+e to the
.on.l7%ion th&t %he i% 87ite & be&7ti,7l 0o+&n, p&rti.7l&rly 0hen 2ie0ed
thro7gh &n Pr&yproo, le&d %.reen3
:AIC6 13 I no0 belie2e Wol,%hei+ i% & +&d+&n3 6e te%ted hi% 9gl&%% o,
0&ter9 theory & doDen ti+e%, &nd in no .&%e did it pro2e e,,e.ti2e3 When I
told hi+ to %top 0&%ting 2&l7&ble ti+e &nd +oney, he bo7n.ed & petri di%h
o,, the bridge o, +y no%e, &nd I 0&% ,or.ed to hold hi+ &t b&y 0ith the
B7n%en b7rner3 A% &l0&y%, 0hen 0or' be.o+e% +ore di,,i.7lt ,r7%tr&tion%
+o7nt3
:AIC6 !3 ;n&ble to obt&in %7b<e.t% ,or o7r d&ngero7% e?peri+ent%, 0e
h&2e been ,or.ed to .r7i%e re%t&7r&nt% &nd .&,eteri&%, hoping to 0or' r&pidly
%ho7ld 0e be l7.'y eno7gh to ,ind %o+eone in di%tre%%3 At the S&n% So7.i
>eli, I tried li,ting & :r%3 Io%e :o%.o0itD by her &n'le% &nd %h&'ing her,
&nd <ho7gh I +&n&ged to di%lodge & +on%tro7% .h7n' o, '&%h&, %he %ee+ed
7ngr&te,7l3 Wol,%hei+ %7gge%ted th&t 0e +ight try %l&pping .ho'e 2i.ti+%
on the b&.', &nd pointed o7t th&t i+port&nt b&.'%l&pping .on.ept% h&d been
%7gge%ted to hi+ by $er+i &t & %y+po%i7+ on dige%tion in M7ri.h thirtyt0o
ye&r% &go3 A gr&nt to e?plore thi% 0&% re,7%ed, ho0e2er, 0hen the
go2ern+ent de.ided in ,&2or o, n7.le&r prioritie%3 Wol,%hei+, in.ident&lly,
h&% t7rned o7t to be & ri2&l in +y &,,&ir 0ith Sh7l&+ith, &nd .on,e%%ed
&,,e.tion ,or her ye%terd&y in the biology l&b3 When he tried to 'i%% her, %he
hit hi+ 0ith & ,roDen +on'ey3 6e i% & 2ery .o+ple? &nd %&d +&n3
:AIC6 183 At :&r.ello)% Oill& tod&y 0e .h&n.ed 7pon & :r%3 =7ido
Bertoni in the &.t o, .ho'ing on 0h&t 0&% l&ter identi,ied &% either
.&nnelloni or & -ing-ong b&ll3 A% I h&d ,ore%een, %l&pping her on the b&.'
did not help3 Wol,%hei+, 7n&ble to p&rt 0ith the old theorie%, tried &d+in
i%tering & gl&%% o, 0&ter, b7t 7n,ort7n&tely %eiDed it ,ro+ the t&ble o, &
gentle+&n 0ell pl&.ed in the .e+ent &nd .ontr&.ting .o++7nity, &nd &ll
three o, 7% 0ere e%.orted o7t o, the %er2i.e entr&n.e &nd 7p &g&in%t &
l&+ppo%t, o2er &nd o2er3
A-IIH #3 5od&y Sh7l&+ith r&i%ed the notion o, & pin.er%Jth&t i%, %o+e
,or+ o, long t0eeDer% or ,or.ep% to e?tr&.t ,ood th&t ,&ll% into the 0indpipe3
(&.h .itiDen 0o7ld .&rry one %7.h in%tr7+ent on hi% per%on &nd be ed7.&ted
in it% 7%e &nd h&ndling by the Ied Cro%%3 In e&ger &nti.ip&tion, 0e dro2e to
Bel'n&p)% S< o, the Se& to re+o2e & b&dly 0edged .r&b.&'e ,ro+ the
e%oph&g7% o, & :r%3 $&ith BlitD%tein3 ;n,ort7n&tely, the g&%ping 0o+&n
be.&+e &git&ted 0hen I prod7.ed the ,or+id&ble t0eeDer%, &nd %&n' her
teeth into +y 0ri%t, .&7%ing +e to drop the in%tr7+ent do0n her thro&t3 Fnly
the 87i.' &.tion o, her h7%b&nd, N&th&n, 0ho held her &bo2e the gro7nd by
her h&ir &nd r&i%ed &nd lo0ered her li'e & yoyo, pre2ented & ,&t&lity3
A-IIH 113 F7r pro<e.t i% .o+ing to & .lo%eJ 7n%7..e%%,7lly, I &+ %orry
to %&y3 $7nding h&% been .7t o,,, o7r ,o7nd&tion bo&rd h&2ing de.ided th&t
the re+&ining +oney +ight be +ore pro,it&bly %pent on %o+e <oyb7DDer%3
A,ter I re.ei2ed the ne0% o, o7r ter+in&tion, I h&d to h&2e ,re%h &ir to .le&r
+y he&d, &nd &% I 0&l'ed &lone &t night by the Ch&rle% Ii2er I .o7ldn)t help
re,le.ting on the li+it% o, %.ien.e3 -erh&p% people &re meant to .ho'e no0
&nd then 0hen they e&t3 -erh&p% it i% &ll p&rt o, %o+e 7n,&tho+&ble .o%+i.
de%ign3 Are 0e %o .on.eited &% to thin' re%e&r.h &nd %.ien.e .&n .ontrol
e2erythingC A +&n %0&llo0% too l&rge & bite o, %te&', &nd g&g%3 Wh&t .o7ld
be %i+plerC Wh&t +ore proo, i% needed o, the e?87i%ite h&r+ony o, the
7ni2er%eC We 0ill ne2er 'no0 &ll the &n%0er%3
A-IIH #03 Ge%terd&y &,ternoon 0&% o7r l&%t d&y, &nd I .h&n.ed 7pon
Sh7l&+ith in the Co++i%%&ry, 0here %he 0&% gl&n.ing o2er & +onogr&ph on
the ne0 herpe% 2&..ine &nd gobbling & +&t<e% herring to tide her o2er till
dinnerti+e3 I &ppro&.hed %te<hily ,ro+ the re&r &nd, %ee'ing to %7rpri%e
her, 87ietly pl&.ed +y &r+% &ro7nd her, e?perien.ing &t th&t +o+ent the
bli%% th&t only & lo2er ,eel%3 In%t&ntly %he beg&n .ho'ing, & portion o, herring
h&2ing lodged %7ddenly in her g7llet3 :y &r+% 0ere %till &ro7nd her, &nd, &%
,&te 0o7ld h&2e it, +y h&nd% 0ere .l&%ped <7%t 7nder her %tern7+3
So+ethingJ.&ll it blind in%tin.t, .&ll it %.ienti,i. l7.'J+&de +e ,or+ & ,i%t
&nd %n&p it b&.' &g&in%t her .he%t3 In & tri.e, the herring be.&+e di%eng&ged,
&nd & +o+ent l&ter the lo2ely 0o+&n 0&% &% good &% ne03 When I told
Wol,%hei+ &bo7t thi%, he %&id, 9Ge%, o, .o7r%e3 It 0or'% 0ith herring, b7t
0ill it 0or' 0ith ,erro7% +et&l%C9
I don)t 'no0 0h&t he +e&nt &nd I don)t .&re3 5he pro<e.t i% ended, &nd
0hile it i% perh&p% tr7e th&t 0e h&2e ,&iled, other% 0ill ,ollo0 in o7r ,oot
%tep% &nd, b7ilding 7pon o7r .r7de preli+in&ry 0or', 0ill &t l&%t %7..eed3
Indeed, &ll o, 7% here .&n ,ore%ee the d&y 0hen o7r .hildren, or .ert&inly o7r
gr&nd.hildren, 0ill li2e in & 0orld 0here no indi2id7&l, reg&rdle%% o, r&.e,
.reed, or .olor, 0ill e2er be ,&t&lly o2er.o+e by hi% o0n +&in .o7r%e3 5o
end on & per%on&l note, Sh7l&+ith &nd I &re going to +&rry, &nd 7ntil the
e.ono+y begin% to brighten & little %he &nd Wol,%hei+ &nd I h&2e de.ided to
pro2ide & +7.hneeded %er2i.e &nd open 7p & re&lly ,ir%t.l&%% t&ttoo p&rlor3
The Shallo,est Man
SI55IN= AIF;N> 56( deli.&te%%en, di%.7%%ing %h&llo0 people 0e h&d
'no0n, Loppel+&n bro7ght 7p the n&+e o, Henny :endel3 Loppel+&n %&id
:endel 0&% po%iti2ely the %h&llo0e%t h7+&n he)d e2er .o+e &.ro%%, b&r
none, &nd then pro.eeded to rel&te the ,ollo0ing %tory3
$or ye&r% there 0&% & 0ee'ly po'er g&+e &+ong%t ro7ghly the %&+e
per%onnel3 It 0&% & %+&ll %t&'e% g&+e pl&yed ,or ,7n &nd rel&?&tion &t &
rented hotel roo+3 5he +en bet &nd bl7,,ed, &te &nd dr&n', &nd t&l'ed o, %e?
&nd %port% &nd b7%ine%%3 A,ter & 0hile @&nd no one .o7ld pinpoint the e?&.t
0ee'A the pl&yer% beg&n to noti.e th&t one o, the+, :eyer I%'o0itD, 0&% not
loo'ing too 0ell3 When they .o++ented on it, I%'o0itD poohpoohed the
0hole thing3
9I)+ ,ine, I)+ ,ine,9 he %&id3 9Who%e betC9 B7t &% & ,e0 +onth% p&%%ed
he gre0 progre%%i2ely 0or%e loo'ing &nd 0hen he didn)t %ho0 7p to pl&y
one 0ee' the +e%%&ge 0&% th&t he h&d .he.'ed into the ho%pit&l 0ith
hep&titi%3 (2eryone %en%ed the o+ino7% tr7th &nd %o it 0&% not & .o+plete
%7rpri%e three 0ee'% l&ter 0hen Sol L&tD phoned Henny :endel &t the 5O
%ho0 0here he 0or'ed &nd %&id, 9-oor :eyer h&% .&n.er3 5he ly+ph node%3
A b&d 'ind3 It)% &lre&dy %pre&d o2er hi% body3 6e)% 7p &t Slo&nLettering39
96o0 horrible,9 :endel %&id, %h&'en &nd %7ddenly depre%%ed &% he
%ipped 0e&'ly ,ro+ hi% +<ed on the other end o, the phone3
9Sol &nd I 0ent to %ee hi+ tod&y3 -oor g7y h&% no ,&+ily3 And he loo'%
&0,7l3 6e 0&% &l0&y% rob7%t too3 Fy, 0h&t & 0orld3 Anyho0, it)% Slo&n
Lettering3 1#75 Gor' &nd 2i%iting ho7r% &re t0el2e to eight39
L&tD h7ng 7p, le&2ing Henny :endel in & gloo+y +ood3 :endel 0&%
,orty,o7r &nd he<hy &% ,&r &% he 'ne03 @S7ddenly he 0&% 87&li,ying hi%
%el,&%%e%%+ent %o &% not to <in? hi+%el,3A 6e 0&% only %i? ye&r% yo7nger
th&n I%'o0itD &nd tho7gh the t0o 0ere not terribly .lo%e they h&d %h&red
+&ny l&7gh% o2er .&rd% on.e & 0ee' ,or ,i2e ye&r%3 5he poor +&n, :endel
tho7ght3 I g7e%% I %ho7ld %end %o+e ,lo0er%3 6e in%tr7.ted >orothy, one o,
the %e.ret&rie% &t NBC, to .&ll the ,lori%t &nd h&ndle the det&il%3 5he ne0% o,
I%'o0itD)% i++inent de&th 0eighed he&2ily o2er :endel th&t &,ternoon, b7t
0h&t 0&% beginning to gn&0 &t hi+ &nd 7nner2e hi+ e2en +ore 0&% the
7n%h&'&ble re&liD&tion th&t he 0o7ld be e?pe.ted to 2i%it hi% po'er .rony3
Wh&t &n 7nple&%&nt .hore, :endel tho7ght, 6e ,elt g7ilty o2er hi% de%ire
to &2oid the 0hole b7%ine%% &nd yet he dre&ded %eeing I%'o0itD 7nder the%e
.ir.7+%t&n.e%3 F, .o7r%e :endel 7nder%tood th&t &ll +en die &nd e2en too'
%o+e .o+,ort ,ro+ & p&r&gr&ph he h&d on.e .o+e &.ro%% in & boo' th&t %&id
de&th i% not in oppo%ition to li,e b7t & n&t7r&l p&rt o, itK yet 0hen he &.t7&lly
,o.7%ed on the ,&.t o, hi% o0n etern&l &nnihil&tion it .&7%ed hi+ to ,eel
li+itle%% p&ni.3 6e 0&% not religio7% &nd not & hero &nd not & %toi., &nd
d7ring the .o7r%e o, hi% d&ytod&y e?i%ten.e he didn)t 0&nt to 'no0 ,ro+
,7ner&l% or ho%pit&l% or ter+in&l 0&rd%3 I, & he&r%e 0ent by in the %treet the
i+&ge +ight %t&y 0ith hi+ ,or ho7r%3 No0 he pi.t7red :eyer I%'o0itD)%
0&%ted ,ig7re in ,ront o, hi+ &nd hi+%el, &0'0&rdly trying to +&'e <o'e% or
.on2er%&tion3 6o0 he h&ted ho%pit&l% 0ith their ,7n.tion&l tile &nd
in%tit7tion&l lighting3 All th&t h7%hh7%h, 87iet &t+o%phere3 And &l0&y% too
0&r+3 S7,,o.&ting3 And the l7n.h tr&y% &nd the bedp&n% &nd the elderly &nd
l&+e %h7,,ling in 0hite go0n% thro7gh the h&ll%, the he&2y &ir %&t7r&ted 0ith
e?oti. ger+%3 And 0h&t i, &ll the %pe.7l&tion o, .&n.er being & 2ir7% i% tr7eC
I %ho7ld be in the %&+e roo+ &% :eyer I%'o0itDC Who 'no0% i, it)%
.&t.hingC Het)% ,&.e it3 Wh&t the hell do they 'no0 &bo7t thi% &0,7l di%e&%eC
Nothing3 So one d&y they)ll ,ind th&t one o, it% &d+ittedly +yri&d ,or+% i%
tr&n%+itted by I%'o0itD .o7ghing on +e3 Fr .l&%ping +y h&nd to hi% .he%t3
5he tho7ght o, I%'o0itD e?piring be,ore hi% eye% horri,ied hi+3 6e %&0 hi%
on.e he&rty, no0 e+&.i&ted &.87&int&n.e @%7ddenly he 0&% &n &.87&int&n.e,
not &.t7&lly & ,riendA g&%ping & l&%t bre&th &nd re&.hing o7t to :endel %&y
ing, 9>on)t let +e goJdon)t let +e goE9 Be%7%, :endel tho7ght &% hi%
,orehe&d be&ded 7p 0ith %0e&t3 I don)t reli%h 2i%iting :eyer3 And 0hy the
hell +7%t IC We 0ere ne2er .lo%e3 $or =od)% %&'e, I %&0 the +&n on.e &
0ee'3 Stri.tly ,or .&rd%3 We r&rely e?.h&nged +ore th&n & ,e0 0ord%3 6e
0&% & po'er h&nd3 In ,i2e ye&r% 0e ne2er %&0 one ¬her o7t%ide the hotel
roo+3 No0 he)% dying, &nd %7ddenly it)% in.7+bent 7pon +e to p&y & 2i%it3
All o, & %7dden 0e)re b7ddie%3 Inti+&te yet3 I +e&n, ,or =od)% %&'e, he 0&%
tighter 0ith e2ery other per%on in th&t g&+e3 I, &nything, I 0&% least .lo%e to
hi+3 Het the+ 2i%it hi+3 A,ter &ll, ho0 +7.h tr&,,i. doe% & %i.' +&n needC
6ell, he)% dying3 6e 0&nt% 87iet, not & p&r&de o, e+pty 0ell0i%her%3
Anyho0 I .&n)t go tod&y be.&7%e there)% & dre%% rehe&r%&l3 Wh&t do they
thin' I &+, & +&n o, lei%7reC I)2e <7%t been +&de &%%o.i&te prod7.er3 I got &
+illion thing% on +y +ind3 And the ne?t ,e0 d&y% &re o7t too be.&7%e it)%
the Chri%t+&% %ho0 &nd it)% & +&dho7%e here3 So I)ll do it ne?t 0ee'3 Wh&t)%
the big de&lC 5he end o, ne?t 0ee'3 Who 'no0%C Will he e2en li2e till the
end o, ne?t 0ee'C Well i, he doe% I)ll be there &nd i, not, 0h&t the hell)% the
di,,eren.eC I, th&t)% & h&rd line, 0ell, then li,e)% h&rd3 :e&n0hile the opening
+onolog7e on the %ho0 need% p7n.hing 7p3 5opi.&l h7+or3 5he %ho0 need%
+ore topi.&l h7+or3 Not %o +&ny br&ndn&+e <o'e%3
;%ing one r&tion&le or ¬her, Henny :endel &2oided 2i%iting :eyer
I%'o0itD ,or t0o&nd&h&l, 0ee'%3 When hi% oblig&tion ro%e +ore %trongly
to +ind he ,elt 2ery g7ilty &nd 0or%e e2en yet 0hen he .&7ght hi+%el, h&l,
hoping th&t he 0o7ld re.ei2e the ne0% th&t it 0&% o2er &nd I%'o0itD h&d
died, thereby getting hi+ o,, the hoo'3 It)% & %7re thing &nyho0, he re&%oned,
%o 0hy not right &0&yC Why %ho7ld the +&n linger &nd %7,,erC I +e&n I
'no0 it %o7nd% he&rtle%%, he tho7ght to hi+%el,, &nd I 'no0 I)+ 0e&', b7t
%o+e people .&n h&ndle the%e thing% better th&n other%3 Oi%it% to the dying
th&t i%3 It)% depre%%ing3 And li'e I don)t h&2e eno7gh on +y +ind3
B7t the ne0% o, :eyer)% de&th did not .o+e3 Fnly g7iltpro2o'ing
re+&r'% by hi% ,riend% &t the po'er g&+e3
9Fh, yo7 h&2en)t %een hi+ yetC Go7 re&lly o7ght to3 6e get% %o ,e0
2i%itor% &nd he)% %o &ppre.i&ti2e39
96e &l0&y% loo'ed 7p to yo7, Henny39
9Ge&h, he &l0&y% li'ed Henny39
9I 'no0 yo7 +7%t be 2ery b7%y 0ith the %ho0 b7t yo7 %ho7ld try &nd get
7p to %ee :eyer3 A,ter &ll, ho0 +7.h ti+e doe% the +&n h&2e le,tC9
9I)ll go to+orro0,9 :endel %&id, b7t 0hen it .&+e ti+e he p7%hed it o,,
&g&in3 5he tr7th i%, 0hen he ,in&lly got 7p eno7gh .o7r&ge to +&'e & ten
+in7te 2i%it to the ho%pit&l it 0&% +ore o7t o, needing to h&2e & %el,i+&ge
th&t he .o7ld li2e 0ith r&ther th&n o7t o, &ny .o+p&%%ion ,or I%'o0itD3
:endel 'ne0 th&t i, I%'o0itD died &nd he h&d been too %.&red or di%g7%ted
to 2i%it hi+, he +ight regret hi% .o0&rdi.e &nd it 0o7ld then &ll be
irre2o.&ble3 I 0ill h&te +y%el, ,or being %pinele%%, he tho7ght, &nd the other%
0ill 'no0 +e ,or 0h&t I &+J& %el,.entered lo7%e3 Fn the other h&nd, i, I
2i%it I%'o0itD &nd &.t li'e & +&n, I 0ill be & better per%on in +y o0n eye%
&nd in the eye% o, the 0orld3 5he point i% th&t I%'o0itD)% need ,or .o+,ort
&nd .o+p&nion%hip 0&% not the ,or.e behind the 2i%it3
No0 the %tory t&'e% & t7rn be.&7%e 0e)re di%.7%%ing %h&llo0ne%%, &nd the
di+en%ion% o, Henny :endel)% re.ordbre&'ing %7per,i.i&lity &re <7%t
beginning to e+erge3 Fn & .old 57e%d&y e2ening &t %e2en,i,ty @%o he
.o7ldn)t 2i%it +ore th&n ten +in7te% e2en i, he 0&nted toA :endel re.ei2ed
,ro+ ho%pit&l %e.7rity the l&+in&ted p&%% th&t &llo0ed hi+ &..e%% to roo+
1501 0here :eyer I%'o0itD l&y &lone in bed, %7rpri%ingly de.ent loo'ing
.on%idering the %t&ge to 0hi.h hi% illne%% h&d &d2&n.ed3
96o0)% it going, :eyerC9 :endel %&id 0e&'ly &% he tried to +&int&in &
re%pe.t&ble di%t&n.e ,ro+ the bed3
9Who)% th&tC :endelC I% th&t yo7, HennyC9
9I been b7%y3 Fther0i%e I)d h&2e .o+e %ooner39
9Fh it)% %o ni.e o, yo7 to bother3 I)+ %o gl&d to %ee yo739
96o0 &re yo7, :eyerC9
96o0 &+ IC I)+ going to be&t thi% thing, Henny3 :&r' +y 0ord%3 I)+
going to be&t thi% thing39
9S7re yo7 0ill, :eyer,9 Henny :endel %&id in & ,eeble 2oi.e, .on%tri.ted
by ten%ion3 9In %i? +onth% yo7)ll be b&.' .he&ting &t .&rd%3 6&, h&, no
%erio7%ly, yo7 ne2er .he&ted39 Leep it light, :endel tho7ght, 'eep the one
liner% .o+ing3 5re&t hi+ li'e he i%n)t dying, :endel tho7ght, re.&lling
&d2i.e he h&d re&d on the %7b<e.t3 In the %t7,,y little roo+, :endel i+&gined
he 0&% inh&ling billo0% o, the 2ir7lent .&n.er ger+% &% they e+&n&ted ,ro+
I%'o0itD &nd +7ltiplied in the 0&r+ &ir3 9I bo7ght yo7 & Post,0 Henny %&id,
l&ying the o,,ering do0n on the t&ble3
9Sit, %it3 Where yo7 r7nningC Go7 <7%t .&+e,9 :eyer %&id 0&r+ly3
9I)+ not r7nning3 It)% <7%t th&t the 2i%iting in%tr7.tion% %&y to 'eep the
2i%it% %hort ,or the .o+,ort o, the p&tient%39
9So 0h&t)% ne0C9 :eyer &%'ed3
Ie%igned to .h&t the ,7ll ti+e till eight, :endel p7lled 7p & .h&ir @not too
.lo%eA &nd tried to +&'e .on2er%&tion &bo7t .&rd%, %port%, he&dline%, &nd
,in&n.e%, &l0&y% &0'0&rdly .on%.io7% o, the o2erriding, horrible ,&.t th&t,
de%pite I%'o0itD)% opti+i%+, he 0o7ld ne2er be le&2ing thi% ho%pit&l &li2e3
:endel 0&% per%piring &nd ,elt 0ooDy3 5he pre%%7re, the ,or.ed g&iety, the
per2&%i2e %en%e o, di%e&%e &nd &0&rene%% o, hi% o0n ,r&gile +ort&lity .&7%ed
hi% ne.' to gro0 %ti,, &nd hi% +o7th to dry 7p3 6e 0&nted to le&2e3 It 0&%
&lre&dy ,i2e &,ter eight &nd he h&dn)t been &%'ed to go3 5he 2i%iting r7le%
0ere l&?3 6e %87ir+ed in hi% %e&t &% I%'o0itD %po'e %o,tly o, the old d&y%
&nd &,ter ,i2e +ore depre%%ing +in7te% :endel tho7ght he 0o7ld ,&int3
5hen, <7%t 0hen it %ee+ed he .o7ld %t&nd it no longer, & +o+ento7% e2ent
o..7rred3 5he n7r%e, :i%% 6illJthe t0enty,o7rye&rold, blond, bl7eeyed
n7r%e 0ith her long h&ir &nd +&gni,i.ently be&7ti,7l ,&.eJ 0&l'ed in &nd,
,i?ing Henny :endel 0ith & 0&r+, ingr&ti&ting %+ile, %&id, 9Oi%iting ho7r%
&re o2er3 Go7)ll h&2e to %&y goodbye39 Iight then Henny :endel, 0ho h&d
ne2er %een & +ore e?87i%ite .re&t7re in &ll hi% li,e, ,ell in lo2e3 It 0&% &% %i+
ple &% th&t3 6e g&ped, open+o7thed, 0ith the %t7nned &ppe&r&n.e o, & +&n
0ho h&d ,in&lly %et eye% on the 0o+&n o, hi% dre&+%3 :endel)% he&rt
2irt7&lly &.hed 0ith &n o2er0hel+ing ,eeling o, the +o%t pro,o7nd longing3
:y =od, he tho7ght, it)% li'e in & +o2ie3 And there 0&% no 87e%tion &bo7t it
either, :i%% 6ill 0&% &b%ol7tely &dor&ble3 Se?y &nd .7r2&.eo7% in her 0hite
7ni,or+, %he h&d big eye% &nd l7%h, %en%7&l lip%3 She h&d good, high
.hee'bone% &nd per,e.tly %h&ped bre&%t%3 6er 2oi.e 0&% %0eet &nd .h&r+ing
&% %he %tr&ightened 7p the %heet%, te&%ing :eyer I%'o0itD goodn&t7redly
0hile %he pro<e.ted 0&r+ .on.ern ,or the %i.' +&n3 $in&lly %he pi.'ed 7p
the ,ood tr&y &nd le,t, p&7%ing only to 0in' &t Henny :endel &nd 0hi%per,
9Better go3 6e need% re%t39
95hi% i% yo7r 7%7&l n7r%eC9 :endel &%'ed I%'o0itD &,ter %he 0&% gone3
9:i%% 6illC She)% ne03 Oery .heer,7l3 I li'e her3 Not %o7r li'e %o+e o,
the other% here3 $riendly &% they .o+e3 And & good %en%e o, h7+or3 Well,
yo7 better go3 It 0&% %7.h & ple&%7re %eeing yo7, Henny39
9Ge&h, right3 Go7 too, :eyer39
:endel ro%e in & d&De &nd 0&l'ed do0n the .orridor hoping to r7n into
:i%% 6ill be,ore he re&.hed the ele2&tor%3 She 0&% no0here to be ,o7nd &nd
0hen :endel hit the %treet 0ith it% .ool night &ir he 'ne0 he 0o7ld h&2e to
%ee her &g&in3 :y =od, he tho7ght, &% he .&bbed ho+e thro7gh Centr&l -&r',
I 'no0 &.tre%%e%, I 'no0 +odel%, &nd here & yo7ng n7r%e i% +ore lo2ely th&n
&ll the other% p7t together3 Why didn)t I %pe&' to herC I %ho7ld h&2e eng&ged
her in .on2er%&tion3 I 0onder i, %he)% +&rriedC Well noJnot i, it)% (iss 6ill3
I %ho7ld)2e &%'ed :eyer &bo7t her3 F, .o7r%e, i, %he)% ne0 333 6e r&n thro7gh
&ll the 9%ho7ldh&2e%9 i+&gining he ble0 %o+e 'ind o, big .h&n.e b7t then
.on%oled hi+%el, 0ith the ,&.t th&t &t le&%t he 'ne0 0here %he 0or'ed &nd
he .o7ld lo.&te her &g&in 0hen he reg&ined hi% poi%e3 It o..7rred to hi+ th&t
%he +ight ,in&lly pro2e 7nintelligent or d7ll li'e %o +&ny o, the be&7ti,7l
0o+en he +et in %ho0 b7%ine%%3 F, .o7r%e %he i% & n7r%e 0hi.h .o7ld +e&n
her .on.ern% &re deeper, +ore h7+&ne, le%% egoti%ti.&l3 Fr it .o7ld +e&n th&t
i, I 'ne0 her better %he)d be &n 7ni+&gin&ti2e p7r2eyor o, bedp&n%3 NoJli,e
.&n)t be th&t .r7el3 6e toyed 0ith the notion o, 0&iting ,or her o7t%ide the
ho%pit&l b7t g7e%%ed th&t her %hi,t% 0o7ld .h&nge &nd th&t he)d +i%% her3
Al%o th&t he +ight p7t her o,, i, he &..o%ted her3
6e ret7rned the ,ollo0ing d&y to 2i%it I%'o0itD, bringing hi+ & boo'
.&lled 8%eat S-o%t Sto%ies, 0hi.h he ,elt +&de hi% 2i%it le%% %7%pi.io7%3
I%'o0itD 0&% %7rpri%ed &nd delighted to %ee hi+ b7t :i%% 6ill 0&% not on
th&t night &nd in%te&d & 2ir&go n&+ed :i%% C&r&+&n7li% ,lo&ted in &nd o7t
o, the roo+3 :endel .o7ld h&rdly .on.e&l hi% di%&ppoint+ent &nd tried to
re+&in intere%ted in 0h&t I%'o0itD h&d to %&y b7t .o7ldn)t3 I%'o0itD being &
bit %ed&ted ne2er noti.ed :endel)% di%tr&.ted &n?io7%ne%% to le&2e3
:endel ret7rned the ne?t d&y &nd ,o7nd the he&2enly %7b<e.t o, hi%
,&nt&%ie% in &ttend&n.e 0ith I%'o0itD3 6e +&de %o+e %t&++ering .on
2er%&tion &nd 0hen he 0&% &bo7t to le&2e did +&n&ge to get ne?t to her in
the .orridor3 (&2e%dropping on her .on2er%&tion 0ith ¬her yo7ng n7r%e,
:endel %ee+ed to get the i+pre%%ion th&t %he h&d & boy,riend &nd the t0o
0ere going to %ee & +7%i.&l the ,ollo0ing d&y3 5rying to &ppe&r .&%7&l &% he
0&ited ,or the ele2&tor, :endel li%tened .&re,7lly to ,ind o7t ho0 %erio7% the
rel&tion%hip 0&% b7t .o7ld ne2er he&r &ll the det&il%3 6e did %ee+ to thin'
%he 0&% eng&ged &nd 0hile %he h&d no ring he tho7ght he he&rd her re,er to
%o+eone &% 9+y ,i&n.e39 6e ,elt di%.o7r&ged &nd i+&gined her the &dored
p&rtner o, %o+e yo7ng do.tor, & brilli&nt %7rgeon perh&p%, 0ith 0ho+ %he
%h&red +&ny pro,e%%ion&l intere%t%3 6i% l&%t i+pre%%ion &% the ele2&tor door%
.lo%ed to t&'e hi+ to %treet le2el 0&% th&t o, :i%% 6ill 0&l'ing do0n the
.orridor, .h&tting &ni+&tedly 0ith the other n7r%e, her hip% %0inging
%ed7.ti2ely &nd her l&7gh +7%i.&lly be&7ti,7l &% it pier.ed the gri+ h7%h o,
the 0&rd3 I +7%t h&2e her, :endel tho7ght, .on%7+ed by longing &nd
p&%%ion, &nd I +7%t not blo0 it li'e I h&2e %o +&ny other% in the p&%t3 I +7%t
pro.eed %en%ibly3 Not too ,&%t &% i% &l0&y% +y proble+3 I +7%t not &.t
pre.ipito7%ly3 I +7%t ,ind o7t +ore &bo7t her3 I% %he indeed &% 0onder,7l &% I
i+&gine %he i%C And i, %o, ho0 .o++itted i% %he to the other per%onC And i,
he didn)t e?i%t, 0o7ld I e2en then h&2e & .h&n.eC I %ee no re&%on 0hy i, %he)%
,ree th&t I .o7ldn)t .o7rt her &nd 0in her3 Fr e2en 0in her ,ro+ thi% +&n3
B7t I need ti+e3 5i+e to le&rn &bo7t her3 5hen ti+e to 0or' on her3 5o t&l',
to l&7gh, to bring 0h&t gi,t% I h&2e o, in%ight &nd h7+or to be&r3 :endel 0&%
pr&.ti.&lly 0ringing hi% p&l+% li'e & :edi.i prin.e &nd drooling3 5he logi.&l
pl&n i% to %ee her &% I 2i%it I%'o0itD &nd %lo0ly, 0itho7t pre%%ing, b7ild 7p
point% 0ith her3 I +7%t be obli87e3 :y h&rd %ell, dire.t &ppro&.h h&% ,&iled
+e too o,ten in the p&%t3 I +7%t be re%tr&ined3
5hi% de.ided, :endel .&+e to %ee I%'o0itD e2ery d&y3 5he p&tient
.o7ldn)t belie2e hi% good ,ort7ne to h&2e %7.h & de2oted ,riend3 :endel
&l0&y% bro7ght & %7b%t&nti&l &nd 0ell tho7ght o7t gi,t3 Fne th&t 0o7ld help
hi+ +&'e & %.ore in the eye% o, :i%% 6ill3 -retty ,lo0er%, & biogr&phy o,
5ol%toy @he he&rd her +ention ho0 +7.h %he lo2ed Anna :a%enina/, the
poetry o, Word%0orth, .&2i&r3 I%'o0itD 0&% %t7nned by the .hoi.e%3 6e
h&ted .&2i&r &nd ne2er he&rd o, Word%0orth3 :endel did %top %hort o,
bringing I%'o0itD & p&ir o, &nti87e e&rring% <ho7gh he %&0 %o+e he 'ne0
:i%% 6ill 0o7ld &dore3
5he %+itten %7itor %eiDed e2ery opport7nity to eng&ge I%'o0itD)% n7r%e in
.on2er%&tion3 Ge%, %he 0&% eng&ged, he le&rned, b7t h&d trepid&tion% &bo7t
it3 6er ,i&n.Q 0&% & l&0yer b7t %he h&d ,&nt&%ie% o, +&rrying %o+eone +ore
in the &rt%3 Still, Nor+&n, her be&7, 0&% t&ll &nd d&r' &nd gorgeo7%, &
de%.ription th&t le,t the le%% phy%i.&lly prepo%%e%%ing :endel in &
di%.o7r&ged %t&te3 :endel 0o7ld &l0&y% tr7+pet hi% &..o+pli%h+ent% &nd
ob%er2&tion% to the deterior&ting I%'o0itD, in & 2oi.e lo7d eno7gh to be
he&rd by :i%% 6ill3 6e %en%ed th&t he +ight be i+pre%%ing her b7t e&.h ti+e
hi% po%ition &ppe&red %trong, ,7t7re pl&n% 0ith Nor+&n entered the .on2er
%&tion3 6o0 l7.'y i% thi% Nor+&n, :endel tho7ght3 6e %pend% ti+e 0ith her,
they l&7gh together, pl&n, he pre%%e% hi% lip% to her%, he re+o2e% her n7r%e)%
7ni,or+Jperh&p% not e2ery %tit.h o, it3 Fh =odE :endel %ighed, loo'ing
he&2en0&rd &nd %h&'ing hi% he&d in ,r7%tr&tion3
9Go7 h&2e no ide& 0h&t the%e 2i%it% +e&n to :r3 I%'o0itD,9 the n7r%e
told :endel one d&y, her delight,7l %+ile &nd big eye% +&'ing hi+ go &
h7ndred3 96e h&% no ,&+ily &nd +o%t o, hi% other ,riend% h&2e %o little ,ree
ti+e3 :y theory i%, o, .o7r%e, th&t +o%t people don)t h&2e the .o+p&%%ion or
.o7r&ge to %pend lot% o, ti+e 0ith & ter+in&l .&%e3 -eople 0rite o,, the dying
p&tient &nd pre,er not to thin' &bo7t it3 5h&t)% 0hy I thin' yo7r beh&2ior i%J
0ellJ+&gni,i.ent39
Word o, :endel)% ind7lgen.e o, I%'o0itD got &ro7nd &nd &t the 0ee'ly
.&rd g&+e he 0&% +7.h belo2ed by the pl&yer%3
9Wh&t yo7)re doing i% 0onder,7l,9 -hil Birnb&7+ %&id to :endel o2er
po'er3 9:eyer tell% +e no one .o+e% &% reg7l&rly &% yo7 do &nd he %&y% he
thin'% yo7 e2en dre%% 7p ,or the o..&%ion39 :endel)% +ind 0&% ,i?ed &t th&t
%e.ond on :i%% 6ill)% hip%, 0hi.h he .o7ldn)t get o7t o, hi% tho7ght%3
9So ho0 i% heC I% he br&2eC9 Sol L&tD &%'ed3
9I% 0ho br&2eC9 :endel &%'ed in hi% re2erie3
9WhoC Who 0e t&l'ing &bo7tC -oor :eyer39
9Fh, erJye&h3 Br&2e3 Iight,9 :endel %&id, not e2en re&liDing he 0&% &t
th&t +o+ent holding & ,7ll ho7%e3
A% the 0ee'% p&%%ed, I%'o0itD 0&%ted &0&y3 Fn.e, in & 0e&'ened
.ondition, he loo'ed 7p &t :endel 0ho %tood o2er hi+ &nd +7ttered, 9Hen
ny, I lo2e yo73 Ie&lly39 :endel too' :eyer)% o7t%tret.hed h&nd &nd %&id,
95h&n'%, :eyer3 Hi%ten, 0&% :i%% 6ill in tod&yC 67hC Co7ld yo7 %pe&' 7p &
littleC It)% h&rd to 7nder%t&nd yo739 I%'o0itD nodded 0e&'ly3 9;hh7h,9
:endel %&id, 9%o 0h&t)d yo7 g7y% t&l' &bo7tC >id +y n&+e .o+e 7pC9
:endel, o, .o7r%e, h&d not d&red +&'e & +o2e ,or :i%% 6ill, ,inding
hi+%el, in the &0'0&rd po%ition o, not 0&nting her e2er to dre&+ th&t he
0&% there %o ,re87ently ,or &ny re&%on other th&n to %ee :eyer I%'o0itD3
So+eti+e%, being &t de&th)% door 0o7ld in%pire the p&tient to philo%o
phiDe &nd he 0o7ld %&y thing% li'e, 9We)re here, 0e don)t 'no0 0hy3 It)%
o2er be,ore 0e 'no0 0h&t hit 7%3 5he tri.' i% to en<oy the +o+ent3 5o be
&li2e i% to be h&ppy3 And yet I belie2e =od e?i%t% &nd 0hen I loo' &ro7nd
+e &nd %ee the %7nlight %tre&+ing thro7gh the 0indo0 or the %t&r% .o+e o7t
&t night, I 'no0 th&t 6e h&% %o+e 7lti+&te pl&n &nd th&t it)% good39
9Iight, right,9 :endel 0o7ld &n%0er3 9And :i%% 6illC I% %he %till %eeing
Nor+&nC >id yo7 ,ind o7t 0h&t I &%'ed yo7C I, yo7 %ee her 0hen they .o+e
to do tho%e te%t% on yo7 to+orro0, ,ind o7t39
Fn & r&iny April d&y I%'o0itD died3 Be,ore e?piring he told :endel on.e
&g&in th&t he lo2ed hi+ &nd th&t :endel)% .on.ern ,or hi+ in the%e l&%t
+onth% 0&% the +o%t to7.hing &nd deepe%t e?perien.e he e2er h&d 0ith
¬her h7+&n being3 50o 0ee'% l&ter :i%% 6ill &nd Nor+&n bro'e 7p &nd
:endel %t&rted d&ting her3 5hey h&d &n &,,&ir th&t l&%ted & ye&r &nd then they
0ent their %ep&r&te 0&y%3
95h&t)% %o+e %tory,9 :o%.o0itD %&id 0hen Loppel+&n ,ini%hed rel&ting
thi% t&le &bo7t the %h&llo0ne%% o, Henny :endel3 9It goe% to %ho0 ho0 %o+e
people &re <7%t no d&+n good39
9I didn)t get th&t o7t o, it,9 B&'e $i%hbein %&id3
9Not &t &ll3 5he %tory %ho0% ho0 lo2e o, & 0o+&n en&ble% & +&n to
o2er.o+e hi% ,e&r% o, +ort&lity i, only ,or & 0hile39
9Wh&t &re yo7 t&l'ing &bo7tC9 Abe 5ro.h+&n .hi+ed in3 95he point o,
the %tory i% th&t & dying +&n be.o+e% the bene,i.i&ry o, hi% ,riend)% %7dden
&dor&tion o, & 0o+&n39
9B7t they 0eren)t ,riend%,9 H7po0itD &rg7ed3 9:endel 0ent o7t o,
oblig&tion3 6e ret7rned o7t o, %el,intere%t39
9Wh&t)% the di,,eren.eC9 5ro.h+&n %&id3 9I%'o0itD e?perien.ed &
.lo%ene%%3 6e died .o+,orted3 5h&t it 0&% +oti2&ted by :endel)% l7%t ,or the
n7r%eJ%oC9
9H7%tC Who %&id l7%tC :endel, de%pite hi% %h&llo0ne%%, +&y h&2e ,elt
lo2e ,or the ,ir%t ti+e in hi% li,e39
9Wh&t)% the di,,eren.eC9 B7r%'y %&id3 9Who .&re% 0h&t the point o, the
%tory i%C I, it e2en h&% & point3 It 0&% &n entert&ining &ne.dote3 Het)% order39
The -#ery
,The follo*ing is a one!act -lay .ased on an incident in the life of A.%aham
7incoln The incident may o% may not .e t%ue The -oint is $ *as ti%ed *hen
$ *%ote it/
I
,7incoln *ith .oyish eage%ness .ec&ons 8eo%ge ;ennings, his -%ess
sec%eta%y, into the %oom/
;ennings: :r3 Hin.oln, yo7 %ent ,or +eC
7incoln: Ge%, Benning%3 Co+e in3 Sit do0n3
;ennings: Ge%, :r3 -re%identC
7incoln: ,5na.le to su--%ess a g%in/ I 0&nt to di%.7%% &n ide&3
;ennings: F, .o7r%e, %ir3
7incoln: Ne?t ti+e 0e h&2e & .on,eren.e ,or the gentle+en o, the pre%%333
;ennings: Ge%%ir333 C
7incoln: When I t&'e 87e%tion%333
;ennings: Ge%, :r3 -re%ident333C
7incoln: Go7 r&i%e yo7r h&nd &nd &%' +e* :r3 -re%ident, ho0 long do yo7
thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC
;ennings: -&rdon +eC
7incoln: Go7 &%' +e* ho0 long do I thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC
;ennings: :&y I &%' 0hy, %irC
7incoln: WhyC Be.&7%e I h&2e & 2ery good &n%0er3
;ennings: Go7 doC
7incoln: Hong eno7gh to re&.h the gro7nd3
;ennings: (?.7%e +eC
7incoln: Hong eno7gh to re&.h the gro7nd3 5h&t)% the &n%0erE =et itC 6o0
long do yo7 thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC Hong eno7gh to re&.h the
gro7ndE
;ennings: $ %ee3
7incoln: Go7 don)t thin' it)% ,7nnyC
;ennings: :&y I be ,r&n', :r3 -re%identC
7incoln: ,Annoyed/ Well, I got & big l&7gh 0ith it tod&y3
;ennings: Ie&llyC
7incoln: Ab%ol7tely3 I 0&% 0ith the .&binet &nd %o+e ,riend% &nd & +&n
&%'ed it &nd I %hot b&.' th&t &n%0er &nd the 0hole roo+ bro'e 7p3
;ennings: :&y I &%', :r3 Hin.oln, in 0h&t .onte?t did he &%' itC
7incoln: -&rdon +eC
;ennings: Were yo7 di%.7%%ing &n&to+yC W&% the +&n & %7rgeon or &
%.7lptorC
7incoln: WhyernoIIdon)t thin' %o3 No3 A %i+ple ,&r+er, I belie2e3
;ennings: Well, 0hy did he 0&nt to 'no0C
7incoln: Well, I don)t 'no03 All I 'no0 i% he 0&% %o+eone 0ho h&d
re87e%ted &n &7dien.e 0ith +e 7rgently333
;ennings: ,1once%ned/ I %ee3
7incoln: Wh&t i% it, Benning%, yo7 loo' p&leC
;ennings: It i% & r&ther odd 87e%tion3
7incoln: Ge%, b7t I got & l&7gh o,, it3 It 0&% & 87i.' &n%0er3
;ennings: No one)% denying th&t, :r3 Hin.oln3
7incoln: A big l&7gh3 5he 0hole .&binet <7%t bro'e 7p3
;ennings: And then did the +&n %&y &nythingC
7incoln: 6e %&id th&n' yo7 &nd le,t3
;ennings: Go7 ne2er &%'ed 0hy he 0&nted to 'no0C
7incoln: I, yo7 +7%t 'no0, I 0&% too ple&%ed 0ith +y &n%0er3 Hong eno7gh
to re&.h the gro7nd3 It .&+e o7t %o ,&%t3 I didn)t he%it&te3
;ennings: I 'no0, I 'no03 It)% <7%t, 0ell, thi% 0hole thing)% got +e 0orried3
II
,7incoln and (a%y Todd in thei% .ed%oom, middle of the night She in .ed,
7incoln -acing ne%vously/
(a%y: Co+e to bed, Abe3 Wh&t)% 0rongC
7incoln: 5h&t +&n tod&y3 5he 87e%tion3 I .&n)t get it o7t o, +y +ind3
Benning%)% opened & .&n o, 0or+%3
(a%y: $orget it, Abe3
7incoln: I 0&nt to, :&ry3 Be%7%, don)t yo7 thin' I 0&nt toC B7t tho%e
h&7nting eye%3 I+ploring3 Wh&t .o7ld h&2e pro+pted itC I need & drin'3
(a%y: No, Abe3
7incoln: Ge%3
(a%y: I %&id, noE Go7)2e been <ittery l&tely3 It)% thi% d&+n .i2il 0&r3
7incoln: It)% not the 0&r3 I didn)t re%pond to the h7+&n being3 I 0&% too
preo..7pied 0ith getting the 87i.' l&7gh3 I &llo0ed & .o+ple? i%%7e to
el7de +e <7%t %o I .o7ld get %o+e .h7.'le% ,ro+ +y .&binet3 5hey h&te
+e &nyho03
(a%y: 5hey lo2e yo7, Abe3
7incoln: I)+ 2&in3 Still, it 0&% & ,&%t .o+eb&.'3
(a%y: I &gree3 Go7r &n%0er 0&% .le2er3 Hong eno7gh to re&.h hi% tor%o3
7incoln: 5o re&.h the gro7nd3
(a%y: No, yo7 %&id it the other 0&y3
7incoln: No3 Wh&t)% ,7nny &bo7t th&tC
(a%y: 5o +e it)% & lot ,7nnier3
7incoln: 5h&t)% ,7nnierC
(a%y: S7re3
7incoln: :&ry, yo7 don)t 'no0 0h&t yo7)re t&l'ing &bo7t3
(a%y: 5he i+&ge o, leg% ri%ing to & tor%o333
7incoln: $orget itE C&n 0e ,orget itE Where)% the bo7rbonC
(a%y: ,Withholding the .ottle/ No, Abe, Go7 0on)t drin' tonightE I 0on)t
&llo0 itE
7incoln: :&ry, 0h&t)% h&ppened to 7%C We 7%ed to h&2e %7.h ,7n3
(a%y: ,Tende%ly/ Co+e here, Abe3 5here)% & ,7ll +oon tonight3 Hi'e the
night 0e +et3
7incoln: No, :&ry3 5he night 0e +et there 0&% & 0&ning +oon3
(a%y: $7ll3
7incoln: W&ning3
(a%y: $7ll3
7incoln: I)ll get the &l+&n&.3
(a%y: Fh Chri%t, Abe, ,orget itE
7incoln: I)+ %orry3
(a%y: I% it the 87e%tionC 5he leg%C I% it %till th&tC
7incoln: Wh&t did he +e&nC
III
,The ca.in of Will Raines and his *ife Haines ente%s afte% a long %ide Alice
-uts do*n he% <uilting .as&et and %uns to him/
Alice: Well, did yo7 &%' hi+C Will he p&rdon Andre0C
Will: ,Beside himself/ Fh, Ali.e, I did %7.h & %t7pid thing3
Alice: ,Bitte%ly/ Wh&tC >on)t tell +e he 0on)t p&rdon o7r %onC
Will: I didn)t &%' hi+3
Alice: Go7 0h&tEC Go7 didn)t &%' hi+EC
Will: I don)t 'no0 0h&t .&+e o2er +e3 5here he 0&%, the -re%ident o, the
;nited St&te%, %7rro7nded by i+port&nt people3 6i% .&binet, hi% ,riend%3
5hen %o+eone %&id, :r3 Hin.oln, thi% +&n h&% ridden &ll d&y to %pe&' to
yo73 6e h&% & 87e%tion to &%'3 All the 0hile I 0&% riding I h&d gone o2er
the 87e%tion in +y +ind3 9:r3 Hin.oln, %ir, o7r boy Andre0 +&de &
+i%t&'e3 I re&liDe ho0 %erio7% it i% to ,&ll &%leep on g7&rd d7ty, b7t
e?e.7ting %7.h & yo7ng +&n %ee+% %o .r7el3 :r3 -re%ident, %ir, .o7ldn)t
yo7 .o++7te hi% %enten.eC9
Alice: 5h&t 0&% the .orre.t 0&y to p7t it3
Will: B7t ,or %o+e re&%on, 0ith &ll tho%e ,ol'% %t&ring &t +e, 0hen the
-re%ident %&id, 9Ge%, 0h&t i% yo7r 87e%tionC9 I %&id, 9:r3 Hin.oln, ho0
long do yo7 thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC9
Alice: Wh&tC
Will: 5h&t)% right3 5h&t 0&% +y 87e%tion3 >on)t &%' +e 0hy it .&+e o7t3
6o0 long do yo7 thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC
Alice: Wh&t 'ind o, 87e%tion i% th&tC
Will: I)+ telling yo7, I don)t 'no03
Alice: 6i% leg%C 6o0 longC
Will: Fh, Ali.e, ,orgi2e +e3
Alice: 6o0 long %ho7ld & +&n)% leg% beC 5h&t)% the %t7pide%t 87e%tion I)2e
e2er he&rd3
Will: I 'no0, I 'no03 >on)t 'eep re+inding +e3
Alice: B7t 0hy leg lengthC I +e&n, leg% &re not & %7b<e.t th&t p&rti.7l&rly
intere%t% yo73
Will: I 0&% ,7+,ering ,or 0ord%3 I ,orgot +y origin&l re87e%t3 I .o7ld he&r
the .lo.' ti.'ing3 I didn)t 0&nt to &ppe&r tong7etied3
Alice: >id :r3 Hin.oln %&y &nythingC >id he &n%0erC
Witt: Ge%3 6e %&id, long eno7gh to re&.h the gro7nd3
Alice: Hong eno7gh to re&.h the gro7ndC Wh&t the hell doe% th&t +e&nC
Will: Who 'no0%C B7t he got & big l&7gh3 F, .o7r%e, tho%e g7y% &re
di%po%ed to0&rd re&.ting3
Alice: ,Suddenly tu%ns/ :&ybe yo7 re&lly didn)t 0&nt Andre0 p&rdoned3
Will: Wh&tC
Alice: :&ybe do0n deep yo7 don)t 0&nt o7r %on)% %enten.e .o++7ted3
:&ybe yo7)re <e&lo7% o, hi+3
Will: Go7)re .r&Dy3 II3 :eC Be&lo7%C
Alice: Why notC 6e)% %tronger3 6e)% %+oother 0ith pi.' &nd &? &nd hoe3 6e)%
got & ,eel ,or the %oil li'e no +&n I)2e %een3
Will: Stop itE Stop itE
Alice: Het)% ,&.e it, Willi&+, yo7)re & lo7%y ,&r+er3
Witt: ,T%em.ling *ith -anic/ Ge%, I &d+it itE I h&te ,&r+ingE 5he %eed% &ll
loo' &li'e to +eE And the %oilE I .&n ne2er tell it &p&rt ,ro+ dirtE Go7,
,ro+ the e&%t, 0ith yo7r ,&n.y %.hool%E H&7ghing &t +e3 Sneering3 I
pl&nt t7rnip% &nd .orn .o+e% 7pE Go7 thin' th&t doe%n)t h7rt & +&nEC
Alice: I, yo7 0o7ld <7%t ,&%ten the %eed p&.'et% to & little %ti.' yo7)d 'no0
0h&t yo7 pl&ntedE
Will: I 0&nt to dieE (2erything i% going bl&.'E
,Suddenly the%e is a &noc& at the doo% and *hen Alice o-ens it, it is none
othe% than A.%aham 7incoln He is hagga%d and %ed!eyed/
7incoln: :r3 6&ine%C
Will: -re%ident Hin.oln 333
7incoln: 5h&t 87e%tionJ
Will: I 'no0, I 'no0 333 ho0 %t7pid o, +eE It 0&% &ll I .o7ld thin' o,, I 0&%
%o ner2o7%3
,Haines falls on his &nees *ee-ing 7incoln also *ee-s/
7incoln: 5hen I 0&% right3 It 0&% & non %e87it7r3
Will: Ge%, ye%333 ,orgi2e +e333
7incoln: ,Wee-ing unashamedly/ I do, I do3 Ii%e3 St&nd 7p3 Go7r boy 0ill be
p&rdoned tod&y3 A% 0ill &ll boy% 0ho +&de & +i%t&'e be ,orgi2en3
,8athe%ing the Haines family in his a%ms/
Go7r %t7pid 87e%tion h&% .&7%ed +e to ree2&l7&te +y li,e3 $or th&t I
th&n' yo7 &nd lo2e yo73
Alice: We did %o+e ree2&l7&ting too, Abe3 :&y 0e .&ll yo7333 C
7incoln: Ge%, %7re, 0hy notC >o yo7 g7y% h&2e &nything to e&tC A +&n
tr&2el% %o +&ny +ile%, &t le&%t o,,er hi+ %o+ething3
,As they .%ea& out the .%ead and cheese the cu%tain falls/
Fabri.io&s'
Critiism and
Res!onse
,An e"change in one of the mo%e thought!-%ovo&ing 2ou%nals, in *hich
)a.ian Plotnic&, ou% most high!minded %estau%ant c%itic, %evie*s )a.%i4io+s
=illa Nova Restau%ant, on Second Avenue, and, as usual, stimulates some
-%ofound %es-onses/
-AS5A AS AN e?pre%%ion o, It&li&n NeoIe&li%ti. %t&r.h i% 0ell 7nder%tood
by :&rio Spinelli, the .he, &t $&briDio)%3 Spinelli 'ne&d% hi% p&%t& %lo0ly3 6e
&llo0% & b7ild7p o, ten%ion by the .7%to+er% &% they %it %&li2&ting3 6i%
,ett7..ine, tho7gh 0ry &nd p7.'i%h in &n &l+o%t +i%.hie2o7% 0&y, o0e% &
lot to B&rDino, 0ho%e 7%e o, ,ett7..ine &% &n in%tr7+ent o, %o.i&l .h&nge i%
'no0n to 7% &ll3 5he di,,eren.e i% th&t &t B&rDino)% the p&tron i% led to e?pe.t
0hite ,ett7..ine &nd get% it3 6ere &t $&briDio)% he get% green ,ett7..ine3
WhyC It &ll %ee+% %o gr&t7ito7%3 A% .7%to+er%, 0e &re not prep&red ,or the
.h&nge3 6en.e, the green noodle doe% not &+7%e 7%3 It)% di%.on.erting in &
0&y 7nintended by the .he,3 5he ling7ine, on the other h&nd, i% 87ite
deli.io7% &nd not &t &ll did&.ti.3 5r7e, there i% & per2&%i2e :&r?i%t 87&lity to
it, b7t thi% i% hidden by the %&7.e3 Spinelli h&% been & de2oted It&li&n
Co++7ni%t ,or ye&r%, &nd h&% h&d gre&t %7..e%% in e%po7%ing hi% :&r?i%+
by %7btly in.l7ding it in the tortellini3
I beg&n +y +e&l 0ith &n &ntip&%to, 0hi.h &t ,ir%t &ppe&red &i+le%%, b7t
&% I ,o.7%ed +ore on the &n.ho2ie% the point o, it be.&+e .le&rer3 W&%
Spinelli trying to %&y th&t &ll li,e 0&% repre%ented here in thi% &ntip&%to, 0ith
the bl&.' oli2e% &n 7nbe&r&ble re+inder o, +ort&lityC I, %o, 0here 0&% the
.eleryC W&% the o+i%%ion deliber&teC At B&.obelli)%, the &ntip&%to .on%i%t%
%olely o, .elery3 B7t B&.obelli i% &n e?tre+i%t3 6e 0&nt% to .&ll o7r &ttention
to the &b%7rdity o, li,e3 Who .&n ,orget hi% %.&+pi* ,o7r g&rli.dren.hed
%hri+p &rr&nged in & 0&y th&t %&y% +ore &bo7t o7r in2ol2e+ent in Oietn&+
th&n .o7ntle%% boo'% on the %7b<e.tC Wh&t &n o7tr&ge in it% ti+eE No0 it
&ppe&r% t&+e ne?t to =ino $ino.hi)% @o, =ino)% Oe%72io Ie%t&7r&ntA So,t
-i..&t&, & %t&rtling %i?,oot %li.e o, 2e&l 0ith & pie.e o, bl&.' .hi,,on
&tt&.hed to it3 @$ino.hi &l0&y% 0or'% better in 2e&l th&n either ,i%h or
.hi.'en, &nd it 0&% & %ho.'ing o2er%ight by Time 0hen re,eren.e to hi+ 0&%
o+itted in the .o2er %tory on Iobert I&7%.henberg3A Spinelli, 7nli'e the%e
&2&ntg&rde .he,%, r&rely goe% &ll the 0&y3 6e he%it&te%, &% 0ith hi% %p7+oni,
&nd 0hen it .o+e%, o, .o7r%e it i% +elted3 5here h&% &l0&y% been & .ert&in
tent&ti2ene%% &bo7t Spinelli)% %tyleJp&rti.7l&rly in hi% tre&t+ent o, Sp&
ghetti Oongole3 @Be,ore hi% p%y.ho&n&ly%i%, .l&+% held gre&t terror ,or
Spinelli3 6e .o7ld not be&r to open the+, &nd 0hen ,or.ed to loo' in%ide he
bl&.'ed o7t3 6i% e&rly &tte+pt% &t Oongole %&0 hi+ de&ling e?.l7%i2ely 0ith
9.l&+ %7b%tit7te%39 6e 7%ed pe&n7t%, oli2e%, &nd ,in&lly, be,ore hi%
bre&'do0n, little r7bber er&%er%3A
Fne lo2ely to7.h &t $&briDio)% i% Spinelli)% Bonele%% Chi.'en
-&r+igi&n&3 5he title i% ironi., ,or he h&% ,illed the .hi.'en 0ith e?tr& bone%,
&% i, to %&y li,e +7%t not be inge%ted too 87i.'ly or 0itho7t .&7tion3 5he
.on%t&nt re+o2&l o, bone% ,ro+ the +o7th &nd the depo%iting o, the+ on the
pl&te gi2e the +e&l &n eerie %o7nd3 Fne i% re+inded &t on.e o, Webern, 0ho
%ee+% to .rop 7p &ll the ti+e in Spinelli)% .oo'ing3 Iobert Cr&,t, 0riting
&bo7t Str&2in%'y, +&'e% &n intere%ting point &bo7t S.hoenberg)% in,l7en.e
on Spinelli)% %&l&d% &nd Spinelli)% in,l7en.e on Str&2in%'y)% Con.erto in >
,or String%3 In point o, ,&.t, the +ine%trone i% & gre&t e?&+ple o, &ton&lity3
Cl7ttered &% it i% 0ith odd bit% &nd pie.e% o, ,ood, the .7%to+er i% ,or.ed to
+&'e noi%e% 0ith hi% +o7th &% he drin'% it3 5he%e tone% &re &rr&nged in & %et
p&ttern &nd repe&t the+%el2e% in %eri&l order3 5he ,ir%t night I 0&% &t
$&briDio)%, t0o p&tron%, & yo7ng boy &nd & ,&t +&n, 0ere drin'ing %o7p
%i+7lt&neo7%ly, &nd the e?.ite+ent 0&% %7.h th&t they re.ei2ed & %t&nding
o2&tion3 $or de%%ert, 0e h&d tortoni, &nd I 0&% re+inded o, HeibniD)%
re+&r'&ble prono7n.e+ent* 95he :on&d% h&2e no 0indo0%39 6o0 &propo%E
$&briDio)% pri.e%, &% 6&nn&h Arendt told +e on.e, &re 9re&%on&ble 0itho7t
being hi%tori.&lly ine2it&ble39 I &gree3
To the Edito%s:
$&bi&n -lotni.')% in%ight% into $&briDio)% Oill& No2& Ie%t&7r&nt &re ,7ll o,
+erit &nd per%pi.7ity3 5he only point +i%%ing ,ro+ hi% penetr&ting &n&ly%i%
i% th&t 0hile $&briDio)% i% & ,&+ilyr7n re%t&7r&nt, it doe% not .on,or+ to the
.l&%%i. It&li&n n7.le&r,&+ily %tr7.t7re b7t, .7rio7%ly, i% +odeled on the
ho+e% o, preInd7%tri&l Ie2ol7tion +iddle.l&%% Wel%h +iner%3 $&briDio)%
rel&tion%hip% 0ith hi% 0i,e &nd %on% &re .&pit&li%ti. &nd peergro7p oriented3
5he %e?7&l +ore% o, the help &re typi.&lly Oi.tori&nJe%pe.i&lly the girl
0ho r7n% the .&%h regi%ter3 Wor'ing .ondition% &l%o re,le.t (ngli%h ,&.tory
proble+%, &nd 0&iter% &re o,ten +&de to %er2e eight to ten ho7r% & d&y 0ith
n&p'in% th&t do not +eet .7rrent %&,ety %t&nd&rd%3
>o2e I&p'in
To the Edito%s:
In hi% re2ie0 o, $&briDio)% Oill& No2&, $&bi&n -lotni.' .&lled the pri.e%
9re&%on&ble39 B7t 0o7ld he .&ll (liot)% $o7r N7&rtet% 9re&%on&ble9C (liot)%
ret7rn to & +ore pri+iti2e %t&ge o, the Hogo% do.trine re,le.t% i++&nent
re&%on in the 0orld, b7t R8350 ,or .hi.'en tetr&DDiniE It doe%n)t +&'e %en%e,
e2en in & C&tholi. .onte?t3 I re,er :r3 -lotni.' to the &rti.le in Encounte%
@#/58A entitled 9(liot, Iein.&rn&tion, &nd M7pp& >i Cl&+%39
(ino Sh+eederer
To the Edito%s:
Wh&t :r3 -lotni.' ,&il% to t&'e into &..o7nt in di%.7%%ing :&rio Spinelli)%
,ett7..ine i%, o, .o7r%e, the %iDe o, the portion%, or, to p7t it +ore dire.tly,
the 87&ntity o, the noodle%3 5here &re ob2io7%ly &% +&ny oddn7+bered
noodle% &% &ll the odd&nd e2enn7+bered noodle% .o+bined3 @Cle&rly &
p&r&do?3A 5he logi. bre&'% do0n ling7i%ti.&lly, &nd .on%e87ently :r3
-lotni.' .&nnot 7%e the 0ord 9,ett7..ine9 0ith &ny &..7r&.y3 $ett7..ine
be.o+e% & %y+bolK th&t i% to %&y, let the ,ett7..ine S " 5hen a > "?. ,.
%t&nding ,or & .on%t&nt e87&l to h&l, o, &ny entrQA3 By thi% logi., one 0o7ld
h&2e to %&y* the ,ett7..ine is the ling7ineE 6o0 ridi.7lo7%3 5he %enten.e
.le&rly .&nnot be %t&ted &% 95he ,ett7..ine 0&% deli.io7%39 It +7%t be %t&ted
&% 95he ,ett7..ine &nd the ling7ine &re not the rig&toni39 A% =odel de.l&red
o2er &nd o2er, 9(2erything +7%t be tr&n%l&ted into logi.&l .&l.7l7% be,ore
being e&ten39
-ro,3 Word B&b.o.'e
:&%%&.h7%ett% In%tit7te o, 5e.hnology
To the Edito%s:
I h&2e re&d 0ith gre&t intere%t :r3 $&bi&n -lotni.')% re2ie0 o, $&briDio)%
Oill& No2&, &nd ,ind it to be yet ¬her %ho.'ing .onte+por&ry e?&+ple o,
re2i%ioni%t hi%tory3 6o0 87i.'ly 0e ,orget th&t d7ring the 0or%t er& o, the
St&lini%t p7rge% $&briDio)% not only 0&% open ,or b7%ine%% b7t enl&rged it%
b&.' roo+ to %e&t +ore .7%to+er%E No one there %&id &nything &bo7t So2iet
politi.&l repre%%ion3 In ,&.t, 0hen the Co++ittee to $ree So2iet >i%%ident%
petitioned $&briDio)% to le&2e the gno..hi o,, the +en7 7ntil the I7%%i&n%
,reed =regor 5o+%hin%'y, the 0ell'no0n 5rot%'yite %hortorder .oo', they
re,7%ed3 5o+%hin%'y by then h&d .o+piled ten tho7%&nd p&ge% o, re.ipe%, &ll
o, 0hi.h 0ere .on,i%.&ted by the N3L3O3>3
9Contrib7ting to the he&rtb7rn o, & +inor9 0&% the p&theti. e?.7%e the
So2iet .o7rt 7%ed to %end 5o+%hin%'y into ,or.ed l&bor3 Where 0ere &ll the
%o.&lled intelle.t7&l% &t $&briDio)% thenC 5he .o&t.he.' girl, 5in&, ne2er
+&de the %+&lle%t &tte+pt to r&i%e her 2oi.e 0hen .o&t.he.' girl% &ll o2er
the So2iet ;nion 0ere t&'en ,ro+ their ho+e% &nd ,or.ed to h&ng 7p
.lothing ,or St&lini%t hoodl7+%3 I +ight &dd th&t 0hen doDen% o, So2iet
phy%i.i%t% 0ere &..7%ed o, o2ere&ting &nd then <&iled, +&ny re%t&7r&nt%
.lo%ed in prote%t, b7t $&briDio)% 'ept 7p it% 7%7&l %er2i.e &nd e2en in%tit7ted
the poli.y o, gi2ing ,ree &,terdinner +int%E I +y%el, &te &t $&briDio)% in the
thirtie%, &nd %&0 th&t it 0&% & hotbed o, dyedinthe0ool St&lini%t% 0ho tried
to %er2e blin.hi'i to 7n%7%pe.ting %o7l% 0ho ordered p&%t&3 5o %&y th&t +o%t
.7%to+er% did not 'no0 0h&t 0&% going on in the 'it.hen i% &b%7rd3 When
%o+ebody ordered %.7ngilli &nd 0&% h&nded & blintD, it 0&% 87ite .le&r 0h&t
0&% h&ppening3 5he tr7th i%, the intelle.t7&l% %i+ply pre,erred not to %ee the
di,,eren.e3 I dined there on.e 0ith -ro,e%%or =ideon Cheop%, 0ho 0&%
%er2ed &n entire I7%%i&n +e&l, .on%i%ting o, bor%.ht, Chi.'en Lie2, &nd
h&l2&hJ7pon 0hi.h he %&id to +e, 9I%n)t thi% %p&ghetti 0onder,7lC9
-ro,3 N7in.y :ondr&gon Ne0 Gor' ;ni2er%ity
$&bi&n -lotni.' %e-lies:
:r3 Sh+eederer %ho0% he 'no0% nothing o, either re%t&7r&nt pri.e% or the
9$o7r N7&rtet%39 (liot hi+%el, ,elt R7350 ,or good .hi.'en tetr&DDini 0&% @I
87ote ,ro+ &n inter2ie0 in Pa%tisan Revie*/ 9not o7t o, line39 Indeed, in
95he >ry S&l2&ge%,9 (liot i+p7te% thi% 2ery notion to Lri%hn&, tho7gh not
pre.i%ely in tho%e 0ord%3
I)+ gr&te,7l to >o2e I&p'in ,or hi% .o++ent% on the n7.le&r ,&+ily, &nd
&l%o to -ro,e%%or B&b.o.'e ,or hi% penetr&ting ling7i%ti. &n&ly%i%, <ho7gh I
87e%tion hi% e87&tion &nd %7gge%t, r&ther, the ,ollo0ing +odel*
@&A %o+e p&%t& i% ling7ine
@bA &ll ling7ine i% not %p&ghetti
@.A no %p&ghetti i% p&%t&, hen.e &ll %p&ghetti i% ling7ine3
Wittgen%tein 7%ed the &bo2e +odel to pro2e the e?i%ten.e o, =od, &nd
l&ter Bertr&nd I7%%ell 7%ed it to pro2e th&t not only doe% =od e?i%t b7t 6e
,o7nd Wittgen%tein too %hort3
$in&lly, to -ro,e%%or :ondr&gon3 It i% tr7e th&t Spinelli 0or'ed in the
'it.hen o, $&briDio)% in the nineteenthirtie%Jperh&p% longer th&n he %ho7ld
h&2e3 Get it i% .ert&inly to hi% .redit th&t 0hen the in,&+o7% 6o7%e ;n
A+eri.&n A.ti2itie% Co++ittee pre%%7red hi+ to .h&nge the 0ording on hi%
+en7% ,ro+ 9-ro%.i7tto &nd +elon9 to the le%% politi.&lly %en%iti2e
9-ro%.i7tto &nd ,ig%,9 he too' the .&%e to the S7pre+e Co7rt &nd ,or.ed the
no0 ,&+o7% r7ling 9AppetiDer% &re entitled to ,7ll prote.tion 7nder the $ir%t
A+end+ent39
5h&t Connie Ch&%en ret7rned +y ,&t&l &ttr&.tion to0&rd her &t ,ir%t %ight
0&% & +ir&.le 7np&r&lleled in the hi%tory o, Centr&l -&r' We%t3 5&ll, blond,
high .hee'boned, &n &.tre%%, & %.hol&r, & .h&r+er, irre2o.&bly &lien&ted,
0ith & ho%tile &nd per.epti2e 0it only .h&llenged in it% po0er to &ttr&.t by
the le0d, h7+id eroti.i%+ her e2ery .7r2e %7gge%ted, %he 0&% the 7nri2&led
de%ider&t7+ o, e&.h yo7ng +&n &t the p&rty3 5h&t %he 0o7ld %ettle on +e,
6&rold Cohen, %.r&0ny, longno%ed, t0enty,o7rye&rold, b7dding dr&
+&ti%t &nd 0hiner, 0&% & non se<uitu% on & p&r 0ith o.t7plet%3 5r7e, I h&2e &
,&.ile 0&y 0ith & oneliner &nd %ee+ &ble to 'eep & .on2er%&tion going on &
0ide r&nge o, topi.%, &nd yet I 0&% t&'en by %7rpri%e th&t thi% %7perbly
%.&led &pp&rition .o7ld Dero in on +y +e&ger gi,t% %o r&pidly &nd
.o+pletely3
9Go7)re &dor&ble,9 %he told +e, &,ter &n ho7r)% energeti. e?.h&nge 0hile
0e le&ned &g&in%t & boo'.&%e, thro0ing b&.' O&lpoli.ell& &nd ,inger ,ood%3
9I hope yo7)re going to .&ll +e39
9C&ll yo7C I)d li'e to go ho+e 0ith yo7 right no039
9Well gre&t,9 %he %&id, %+iling .o87etti%hly3 95he tr7th i%, I didn)t re&lly
thin' I 0&% i+pre%%ing yo739
I &,,e.ted & .&%7&l &ir 0hile blood po7nded thro7gh +y &rterie% to
predi.t&ble de%tin&tion%3 I bl7%hed, &n old h&bit3
9I thin' yo7)re dyn&+ite,9 I %&id, .&7%ing her to glo0 e2en +ore
in.&nde%.ently3 A.t7&lly I 0&% 87ite 7nprep&red ,or %7.h i++edi&te
&..ept&n.e3 :y gr&pe,7eled .o.'ine%% 0&% &n &tte+pt to l&y gro7nd0or'
,or the ,7t7re, %o th&t 0hen I 0o7ld indeed %7gge%t the bo7doir, let)% %&y, one
di%.reet d&te l&ter, it 0o7ld not .o+e &% & tot&l %7rpri%e &nd 2iol&te %o+e
tr&gi.&lly e%t&bli%hed -l&toni. bond3 Get, .&7tio7%, g7iltridden, 0orrier
2i.ti+ th&t I &+, thi% night 0&% to be +ine3 Connie Ch&%en &nd I h&d t&'en
to e&.h other in & 0&y th&t 0o7ld not be denied &nd one brie, ho7r l&ter 0ere
thr&%hing b&lleti.&lly thro7gh the per.&le%, e?e.7ting 0ith tot&l e+otion&l
.o++it+ent the &b%7rd .horeogr&phy o, h7+&n p&%%ion3 5o +e, it 0&% the
+o%t eroti. &nd %&ti%,ying night o, %e? I h&d e2er h&d, &nd &% %he l&y in +y
&r+% &,ter0&rd, rel&?ed &nd ,7l,illed, I 0ondered e?&.tly ho0 $&te 0&%
going to e?tr&.t it% ine2it&ble d7e%3 Wo7ld I %oon go blindC Fr be.o+e &
p&r&plegi.C Wh&t hideo7% 2igori%h 0o7ld 6&rold Cohen be ,or.ed to pony
7p %o the .o%+o% +ight .ontin7e in it% h&r+onio7% ro7nd%C B7t thi% 0o7ld
&ll .o+e l&ter3
5he ,ollo0ing ,o7r 0ee'% b7r%t no b7bble%3 Connie &nd I e?plored one
¬her &nd delighted in e&.h ne0 di%.o2ery3 I ,o7nd her 87i.', e?.iting,
&nd re%pon%i2eK her i+&gin&tion 0&% ,ertile &nd her re,eren.e% er7dite &nd
2&ried3 She .o7ld di%.7%% No2&li% &nd 87ote ,ro+ the IigOed&3 5he 2er%e
o, e2ery %ong by Cole -orter, %he 'ne0 by he&rt3 In bed %he 0&% 7ninhibited
&nd e?peri+ent&l, & tr7e .hild o, the ,7t7re3 Fn the +in7% %ide one h&d to be
niggling to ,ind ,&7lt3 5r7e %he .o7ld be & t&d te+per&+ent&l3 She ine2it&bly
.h&nged her ,ood order in & re%t&7r&nt &nd &l0&y% long &,ter it 0&% de.ent to
do %o3 In2&ri&bly %he got &ngry 0hen I pointed o7t thi% 0&% not e?&.tly ,&ir
to 0&iter or .he,3 Al%o %he %0it.hed diet% e2ery other d&y, .o++itting 0ith
0hole he&rt to one &nd then di%reg&rding it in ,&2or o, %o+e ne0, ,&%hion
&ble theory on 0eight lo%%3 Not th&t %he 0&% re+otely o2er0eight3 N7ite the
oppo%ite3 6er %h&pe 0o7ld h&2e been the en2y o, & =ogue +odel, &nd yet &n
in,eriority .o+ple? ri2&ling $r&nD L&,'&)% led her to p&in,7l bo7t% o, %el,
.riti.i%+3 5o he&r her tell it, %he 0&% & d7+py little nonentity, 0ho h&d no
b7%ine%% trying to be &n &.tre%%, +7.h le%% &tte+pting Che'ho23 :y
&%%7r&n.e% 0ere +oder&tely en.o7r&ging &nd I 'ept the+ ,lo0ing, tho7gh I
,elt th&t i, her de%ir&bility 0&% not &pp&rent ,ro+ +y ob%e%%ion&l glee o2er
her br&in &nd body, no &+o7nt o, t&l' 0o7ld be .on2in.ing3
Along &bo7t the %i?th 0ee' o, & 0onder,7l ro+&n.e, her in%e.7rity
e+erged ,7ll blo0n one d&y3 6er p&rent% 0ere h&2ing & b&rbe.7e in Con
ne.ti.7t &nd I 0&% &t l&%t going to +eet her ,&+ily3
9>&d)% gre&t,9 %he %&id 0or%hip,7lly, 9&nd gre&tloo'ing3 And :o+)%
be&7ti,7l3 Are yo7r%C9
9I 0o7ldn)t %&y be&7ti,7l,9 I .on,e%%ed3 A.t7&lly, I h&d & r&ther d7n 2ie0
o, +y ,&+ily)% phy%i.&l &ppe&r&n.e, li'ening the rel&ti2e% on +y +other)%
%ide to %o+ething 7%7&lly .7lt7red in & petri di%h3 I 0&% 2ery h&rd on +y
,&+ily &nd 0e &ll .on%t&ntly te&%ed e&.h other &nd ,o7ght, b7t 0ere .lo%e3
Indeed, & .o+pli+ent h&d not p&%%ed thro7gh the lip% o, &ny +e+ber d7ring
+y li,eti+e &nd I %7%pe.t not %in.e =od +&de hi% .o2en&nt 0ith Abr&h&+3
9:y ,ol'% ne2er ,ight,9 %he %&id3 95hey drin', b7t they)re re&l polite3 And
>&nny)% ni.e39 6er brother3 9I +e&n he)% %tr&nge b7t %0eet3 6e 0rite%
+7%i.39
9I)+ loo'ing ,or0&rd to +eeting the+ &ll39
9I hope yo7 don)t ,&ll ,or +y 'id %i%ter, Hind%&y39
9Fh %7re39
9She)% t0o ye&r% yo7nger th&n +e &nd %o bright &nd %e?y3 (2eryone goe%
n7t% o2er her39
9So7nd% i+pre%%i2e,9 I %&id3 Connie %tro'ed +y ,&.e3
9I hope yo7 don)t li'e her better th&n +e,9 %he %&id in h&l,%erio7% tone%
th&t en&bled her to 2oi.e thi% ,e&r gr&.e,7lly3
9I 0o7ldn)t 0orry,9 I &%%7red her3
9NoC -ro+i%eC9
9Are yo7 t0o .o+petiti2eC9
9No3 We lo2e e&.h other3 B7t %he)% got &n &ngel)% ,&.e &nd & %e?y, ro7nd
body3 She t&'e% &,ter :o+3 And %he)% got thi% re&l high IN &nd gre&t %en%e
o, h7+or39
9Go7)re be&7ti,7l,9 I %&id &nd 'i%%ed her3 B7t I +7%t &d+it, ,or the re%t o,
th&t d&y, ,&nt&%ie% o, t0entyoneye&rold Hind%&y Ch&%en did not le&2e +y
+ind3 =ood Hord, I tho7ght, 0h&t i, %he i% thi% Wunde%&ind3 Wh&t i, %he i%
indeed &% irre%i%tible &% Connie p&int% herC :ight I not be %+ittenC We&'ling
th&t I &+, +ight not the %0eet body %.ent &nd tin'ling l&7gh o, & %t7nning
Conne.ti.7t WAS- n&+ed Hind%&yJHind%&y yetEJ not t7rn thi%
,&%.in&ted, tho7gh 7npledged, he&d ,ro+ Connie to0&rd ,re%h +i%.hie,C
A,ter &ll, I h&d only 'no0n Connie %i? 0ee'% &nd, 0hile h&2ing & 0onder,7l
ti+e 0ith the 0o+&n, 0&% not yet &.t7&lly in lo2e 0ith her beyond &ll
re&%on3 Still, Hind%&y 0o7ld h&2e to be pretty d&+n ,&b7lo7% to .&7%e &
ripple in the giddy te+pe%t o, .h7.'le% &nd l7%t th&t +&de the%e p&%t three
,ortnight% %7.h & %pree3
5h&t e2ening I +&de lo2e 0ith Connie, b7t 0hen I %lept it 0&% Hind%&y
0ho tre%p&%%ed +y dre&+%3 S0eet little Hind%&y, the &dor&ble -hi Bet&
L&pp& 0ith the ,&.e o, & +o2ie %t&r &nd the .h&r+ o, & prin.e%%3 I to%%ed &nd
t7rned &nd 0o'e in the +iddle o, the night 0ith & %tr&nge ,eeling o,
e?.ite+ent &nd ,oreboding3
In the +orning +y ,&nt&%ie% %7b%ided, &nd &,ter bre&',&%t Connie &nd I
%et o,, ,or Conne.ti.7t be&ring 0ine &nd ,lo0er%3 We dro2e thro7gh the ,&ll
.o7ntry%ide li%tening to Oi2&ldi on $: &nd e?.h&nging o7r ob%er2&tion% on
th&t d&y)% Art% &nd Hei%7re Se.tion3 5hen, +o+ent% be,ore 0e p&%%ed
thro7gh the ,ront g&te o, the Ch&%en%) Hy+e &.re&ge, I on.e &g&in 0ondered
i, I 0&% &bo7t to be %t7pe,ied by thi% ,or+id&ble 'id %i%ter3
9Will Hind%&y)% boy,riend be hereC9 I &%'ed in & probing, g7ilt%tr&ngled
,&l%etto3
95hey)re ,ini%hed,9 Connie e?pl&ined3 9Hind%&y r7n% thro7gh one &
+onth3 She)% & he&rtbre&'er39 6++, I tho7ght, in &ddition to &ll el%e, the
yo7ng 0o+&n i% &2&il&ble3 :ight %he re&lly be +ore e?.iting th&n ConnieC I
,o7nd it h&rd to belie2e, &nd yet I tried to prep&re +y%el, ,or &ny e2ent7&lity3
Any, o, .o7r%e, e?.ept the one th&t o..7rred th&t .ri%p, .le&r, S7nd&y
&,ternoon3
Connie &nd I <oined the b&rbe.7e, 0here there 0&% +7.h re2elry &nd
drin'ing3 I +et the ,&+ily, one by one, %.&ttered &% they 0ere &+id%t their
,&%hion&ble, &ttr&.ti2e .ohort% &nd tho7gh %i%ter Hind%&y 0&% indeed &ll
Connie h&d de%.ribedJ .o+ely, ,lirt&tio7%, &nd ,7n to t&l' toJI did not
pre,er her to Connie3 F, the t0o, I %till ,elt +7.h +ore t&'en 0ith the older
%i%ter th&n the t0entyoneye&rold O&%%&r gr&d3 No, the one I hopele%%ly lo%t
+y he&rt to th&t d&y 0&% none other th&n Connie)% ,&b7lo7% +other, (+ily3
(+ily Ch&%en, ,i,ty,i2e, b7?o+, t&nned, & r&2i%hing pioneer ,&.e 0ith
p7lledb&.' greying h&ir &nd ro7nd, %7..7lent .7r2e% th&t e?pre%%ed
the+%el2e% in ,l&0le%% &r.% li'e & Br&n.7%i3 Se?y (+ily, 0ho%e h7ge, 0hite
%+ile &nd .he%ty, big l&7gh .o+bined to .re&te &n irre%i%tible 0&r+th &nd
%ed7.ti2ene%%3
Wh&t protopl&%+ in thi% ,&+ily, I tho7ghtE Wh&t &0&rd0inning gene%E
Con%i%tent gene% too, &% (+ily Ch&%en %ee+ed to be &% &t e&%e 0ith +e &%
her d&7ghter 0&%3 Cle&rly %he en<oyed t&l'ing 0ith +e &% I +onopoliDed her
ti+e, +indle%% o, the de+&nd% o, the other &,ternoon g7e%t%3 We di%.7%%ed
photogr&phy @her hobbyA &nd boo'%3 She 0&% .7rrently re&ding, 0ith gre&t
delight, & boo' o, Bo%eph 6eller)%3 She ,o7nd it hil&rio7% &nd l&7ghing
,et.hingly &% %he ,illed +y gl&%% %&id, 9=od, yo7 Be0% &re tr7ly e?oti.39
(?oti.C She %ho7ld only 'no0 the =reenbl&tt%3 Fr :r &nd :r% :ilton
Sh&rp%tein, +y ,&ther)% ,riend%3 Fr ,or th&t +&tter, +y .o7%in 5o2&h3 (?oti.C
I +e&n, they)re ni.e b7t h&rdly e?oti. 0ith their endle%% bi.'ering o2er the
be%t 0&y to .o+b&t indige%tion or ho0 ,&r b&.' to %it ,ro+ the tele2i%ion %et3
(+ily &nd I t&l'ed ,or ho7r% o, +o2ie%, &nd 0e di%.7%%ed +y hope% ,or
the the&tre &nd her ne0 intere%t in +&'ing .oll&ge%3 Fb2io7%ly thi% 0o+&n
h&d +&ny .re&ti2e &nd intelle.t7&l de+&nd% th&t ,or one re&%on or ¬her
re+&ined pent 7p 0ithin her3 Get .le&rly %he 0&% not 7nh&ppy 0ith her li,e
&% %he &nd her h7%b&nd, Bohn Ch&%en, &n older 2er%ion o, the +&n yo7)d li'e
to h&2e piloting yo7r pl&ne, h7gged &nd dr&n' in lo2eydo2ey ,&%hion3
Indeed, in .o+p&ri%on to +y o0n ,ol'%, 0ho h&d been +&rried ine?pli.&bly
,or ,orty ye&r% @o7t o, %pite it %ee+edA, (+ily &nd Bohn %ee+ed li'e the
H7nt%3 :y ,ol'%, n&t7r&lly, .o7ld not di%.7%% e2en the 0e&ther 0itho7t &..7
%&tion% &nd re.ri+in&tion% <7%t %hort o, g7n,ire3
When it .&+e ti+e to go ho+e I 0&% 87ite %orry &nd le,t 0ith dre&+% o,
(+ily in .o+plete .o++&nd o, +y tho7ght%3
95hey)re %0eet, &ren)t theyC9 Connie &%'ed &% 0e %ped to0&rd
:&nh&tt&n3
9Oery,9 I .on.7rred3
9I%n)t >&d & 'no.'o7tC 6e)% re&lly ,7n39
9;++39 5he tr7th 0&% I h&d h&rdly e?.h&nged ten %enten.e% 0ith
Connie)% d&d3
9And :o+ loo'ed gre&t tod&y3 Better th&n in & long ti+e3 She)% been ill
0ith the ,l7, too39
9She)% 87ite %o+ething,9 I %&id3
96er photogr&phy &nd .oll&ge% &re 2ery good,9 Connie %&id3 9I 0i%h >&d
en.o7r&ged her +ore in%te&d o, being %o old,&%hioned3 6e)% <7%t not
,&%.in&ted by .re&ti2ity in the &rt%3 Ne2er 0&%39
95oo b&d,9 I %&id3 9I hope it h&%n)t been too ,r7%tr&ting ,or yo7r +other
o2er the ye&r%39
9It h&%,9 Connie %&id3 9And Hind%&yC Are yo7 in lo2e 0ith herC9
9She)% lo2elyJb7t not in yo7r .l&%%3 At le&%t &% ,&r &% I)+ .on.erned39
9I)+ relie2ed,9 Connie %&id l&7ghingly &nd pe.'ed +e on the .hee'3
Aby%+&l 2er+in th&t I &+, I .o7ldn)t, o, .o7r%e, tell her th&t it 0&% her
in.redible +other th&t I 0&nted to %ee &g&in3 Get e2en &% I dro2e, +y +ind
.li.'ed &nd blin'ed li'e & .o+p7ter in hope% o, .on.o.ting %o+e %.he+e to
,il.h +ore ti+e 0ith thi% o2erpo0ering &nd 0onder,7l 0o+&n3 I, yo7 h&d
&%'ed +e 0here I e?pe.ted it to le&d, I re&lly .o7ldn)t h&2e %&id3 I 'ne0 only
&% I dro2e thro7gh the .old, night, &7t7+n &ir th&t %o+e0here $re7d, Sopho
.le%, &nd (7gene F)Neill 0ere l&7ghing3
>7ring the ne?t %e2er&l +onth% I +&n&ged to %ee (+ily Ch&%en +&ny
ti+e%3 ;%7&lly it 0&% in &n inno.ent three%o+e 0ith Connie, both o, 7%
+eeting her in the .ity &nd t&'ing her to & +7%e7+ or .on.ert3 Fn.e or t0i.e
I did %o+ething 0ith (+ily &lone i, Connie 0&% b7%y3 5hi% delighted Connie
Jth&t her +other &nd lo2er %ho7ld be %7.h good ,riend%3 Fn.e or t0i.e I
.ontri2ed to be 0here (+ily 0&% 9by &..ident9 &nd 0o7nd 7p h&2ing &n
&pp&rently i+pro+pt7 0&l' or drin' 0ith her3 It 0&% ob2io7% %he en<oyed
+y .o+p&ny &% I li%tened %y+p&theti.&lly to her &rti%ti. &%pir&tion% &nd
l&7ghed eng&gingly &t her <o'e%3 5ogether 0e di%.7%%ed +7%i. &nd liter&t7re
&nd li,e, +y ob%er2&tion% .on%i%tently entert&ining her3 It 0&% &l%o ob2io7%
the ide& o, reg&rding +e &% &nything +ore th&n <7%t & ne0 ,riend 0&% not
re+otely on her +ind3 Fr i, it 0&%, %he .ert&inly ne2er let on3 Get 0h&t .o7ld
I e?pe.tC I 0&% li2ing 0ith her d&7ghter3 Coh&biting honor&bly in & .i2iliDed
%o.iety 0here .ert&in t&boo% &re ob%er2ed3 A,ter &ll, 0ho did I i+&gine thi%
0o+&n 0&% &nyho0C So+e &+or&l 2&+p o7t o, =er+&n ,il+% 0ho 0o7ld
%ed7.e her o0n .hild)% lo2erC In tr7th, I)+ %7re I 0o7ld h&2e lo%t &ll re%pe.t
,or her i, %he did .on,e%% ,eeling% ,or +e or beh&2e in &ny other 0&y th&n
7nto7.h&ble3 And yet I h&d & terrible .r7%h on her3 It &+o7nted to gen7ine
longing, &nd de%pite &ll logi. I pr&yed ,or %o+e tiny hint th&t her +&rri&ge
0&% not &% per,e.t &% it %ee+ed or th&t, re%i%t &% %he +ight, %he h&d gro0n
,&t&lly ,ond o, +e3 5here 0ere ti+e% th&t I ,lirted 0ith the notion o, +&'ing
%o+e tepidly &ggre%%i2e +o2e +y%el,, b7t b&nner he&dline% in the yello0
pre%% ,or+ed in +y +ind &nd I %hr&n' ,ro+ &ny &.tion3
I 0&nted %o b&dly, in +y &ng7i%h, to e?pl&in the%e .on,7%ed ,eeling% to
Connie in &n &bo2ebo&rd 0&y &nd enli%t her &id in +&'ing %en%e o7t o, the
p&in,7l t&ngle, b7t I ,elt to do %o in2ited .ert&in .&rn&ge3 In ,&.t, in%te&d o,
thi% +&nly hone%ty, I no%ed &ro7nd li'e & ,erret ,or bit% &nd .l7e% reg&rding
(+ily)% ,eeling% to0&rd +e3
9I too' yo7r +other to the :&ti%%e e?hibit,9 I %&id to Connie one d&y3
9I 'no0,9 %he %&id3 9She h&d & gre&t ti+e39
9She)% & l7.'y 0o+&n3 See+% to be h&ppy3 $ine +&rri&ge39
9Ge%39 -&7%e3
9So, erJdid %he %&y &nything to yo7C9
9She %&id yo7 t0o h&d & 0onder,7l t&l' &,ter0&rd%3 Abo7t her
photogr&phy39
9Iight39 -&7%e3 9Anything el%eC Abo7t +eC I +e&n, I ,elt +&ybe I get
o2erbe&ring39
9Fh =od, no3 She &dore% yo739
9Ge%C9
9With >&nny %pending +ore &nd +ore ti+e 0ith >&d, %he thin'% o, yo7
'ind o, li'e & %on39
96er %onEC9 I %&id, %h&ttered3
9I thin' %he 0o7ld h&2e li'ed & %on 0ho i% &% intere%ted in her 0or' &%
yo7 &re3 A gen7ine .o+p&nion3 :ore intelle.t7&lly in.lined th&n >&nny3
Sen%iti2e to her &rti%ti. need% & little3 I thin' yo7 ,7l,ill th&t role ,or her39
5h&t night I 0&% in & ,o7l +ood &nd, &% I %&t ho+e 0ith Connie 0&t.hing
tele2i%ion, +y body &g&in &.hed to be pre%%ed in p&%%ion&te tenderne%%
&g&in%t thi% 0o+&n 0ho &pp&rently tho7ght o, +e &% nothing +ore
d&ngero7% th&n her boy3 Fr did %heC W&% thi% not <7%t & .&%7&l %7r+i%e o,
Connie)%C :ight (+ily not be thrilled to ,ind o7t th&t & +&n, +7.h yo7nger
th&n her%el,, ,o7nd her be&7ti,7l &nd %e?y &nd ,&%.in&ting &nd longed to h&2e
&n &,,&ir 0ith her 87ite 7nli'e &nything re+otely ,ili&lC W&%n)t it po%%ible &
0o+&n o, th&t &ge, p&rti.7l&rly one 0ho%e h7%b&nd 0&% not o2erly
re%pon%i2e to her deepe%t ,eeling%, 0o7ld 0el.o+e the &ttention o, &
p&%%ion&te &d+irerC And +ight I not, +ired in +y o0n +iddle.l&%%
b&.'gro7nd, be +&'ing too +7.h o, the ,&.t th&t I 0&% li2ing 0ith her
d&7ghterC A,ter &ll, %tr&nger thing% h&ppen3 Cert&inly &+ong%t te+per&+ent%
gi,ted 0ith pro,o7nder &rti%ti. inten%ity3 I h&d to re%ol2e +&tter% &nd ,in&lly
p7t &n end to the%e ,eeling% 0hi.h h&d &%%7+ed the proportion% o, & +&d
ob%e%%ion3 5he %it7&tion 0&% t&'ing too he&2y & toll on +e, &nd it 0&% ti+e I
either &.ted on it or p7t it o7t o, +y +ind3 I de.ided to &.t3
-&%t %7..e%%,7l .&+p&ign% %7gge%ted in%t&ntly the proper ro7te to t&'e3 I
0o7ld %teer her to 5r&der Oi.)%, th&t di+ly lit, ,oolproo, -olyne%i&n den o,
delight% 0here d&r', pro+i%ing .orner% &bo7nded &nd de.epti2ely +ild r7+
drin'% 87i.'ly 7n.h&ined the ,iery libido ,ro+ it% d7ngeon3 A p&ir o, :&i
5&i)% &nd it 0o7ld be &nybody)% b&ll g&+e3 A h&nd on the 'nee3 A %7dden
7ninhibited 'i%%3 $inger% intert0ined3 5he +ir&.7lo7% booDe 0o7ld 0or' it%
depend&ble +&gi.3 It h&d ne2er ,&iled +e in the p&%t3 (2en 0hen the 7n
%7%pe.ting 2i.ti+ p7lled b&.' 0ith eyebro0% &r.hed, one .o7ld b&.' o7t
gr&.e,7lly by i+p7ting &ll to the e,,e.t% o, the i%l&nd bre03
9$orgi2e +e,9 I .o7ld &libi, 9I)+ <7%t %o Don'ed by thi% drin'3 I don)t
'no0 0h&t I)+ doing39
Ge%, the ti+e ,or polite .hit.h&t 0&% o2er, I tho7ght3 I &+ in lo2e 0ith
t0o 0o+en, & not terribly 7n.o++on proble+3 5h&t they h&ppen to be
+other &nd .hildC All the +ore .h&llengingE I 0&% be.o+ing hy%teri.&l3 Get
dr7n' 0ith .on,iden.e &% I 0&% &t th&t point, I +7%t &d+it th&t thing% did not
,in&lly .o+e o,, 87ite &% pl&nned3 5r7e, 0e did +&'e it to 5r&der Oi.)% one
.old $ebr7&ry &,ternoon3 We did &l%o loo' in e&.h other)% eye% &nd 0&?ed
poeti. &bo7t li,e 0hile 'no.'ing b&.' t&ll, ,o&+y, 0hite be2er&ge% th&t held
+in7%.7le 0ooden p&r&%ol% l&n.ed into ,lo&ting pine&pple %87&re%Jb7t
there it ended3 And it did %o be.&7%e, de%pite the 7nblo.'ing o, +y b&%er
7rge%, I ,elt th&t it 0o7ld .o+pletely de%troy Connie3 In the end it 0&% +y
o0n g7ilty .on%.ien.eJor, +ore &..7r&tely, +y ret7rn to %&nityJth&t
pre2ented +e ,ro+ pl&.ing the predi.t&ble h&nd on (+ily Ch&%en)% leg &nd
p7r%7ing +y d&r' de%ire%3 5h&t %7dden re&liD&tion th&t I 0&% only & +&d
,&nt&%iDer 0ho, in ,&.t, lo2ed Connie &nd +7%t ne2er ri%' h7rting her in &ny
0&y did +e in3 Ge%, 6&rold Cohen 0&% & +ore .on2ention&l type th&n he
0o7ld h&2e 7% belie2e3 And +ore in lo2e 0ith hi% girl ,riend th&n he .&red to
&d+it3 5hi% .r7%h on (+ily Ch&%en 0o7ld h&2e to be ,iled &nd ,orgotten3
-&in,7l &% it +ight be to .ontrol +y i+p7l%e% to0&rd Connie)% +o+, r&
tion&lity &nd de.ent .on%ider&tion 0o7ld pre2&il3
A,ter & 0onder,7l &,ternoon, the .ro0ning +o+ent o, 0hi.h 0o7ld h&2e
been the ,ero.io7% 'i%%ing o, (+ily)% l&rge, in2iting lip%, I got the .he.' &nd
.&lled it & d&y3 We e?ited l&7ghingly into the lightly blo0ing %no0 &nd, &,ter
0&l'ing her to her .&r, I 0&t.hed her t&'e o,, ,or Hy+e 0hile I ret7rned
ho+e to her d&7ghter 0ith & ne0, deeper ,eeling o, 0&r+th ,or thi% 0o+&n
0ho nightly %h&red +y bed3 Hi,e i% tr7ly .h&o%, I tho7ght3 $eeling% &re %o
7npredi.t&ble3 6o0 doe% &nyone e2er %t&y +&rried ,or ,orty ye&r%C 5hi%, it
%ee+%, i% +ore o, & +ir&.le th&n the p&rting o, the Ied Se&, tho7gh +y
,&ther, in hi% n&i2ete, hold% the l&tter to be & gre&ter &.hie2e+ent3 I 'i%%ed
Connie &nd .on,e%%ed the depth o, +y &,,e.tion3 She re.ipro.&ted3 We +&de
lo2e3
>i%%ol2e, &% they %&y in the +o2ie%, to & ,e0 +onth% l&ter3 Connie .&n no
longer h&2e inter.o7r%e 0ith +e3 And 0hyC I bro7ght it on +y%el, li'e the
tr&gi. prot&goni%t o, & =ree' pl&y3 F7r %e? beg&n ,&lling o,, in%idio7%ly
0ee'% &go3
9Wh&t)% 0rongC9 I)d &%'3 96&2e I done %o+ethingC9
9=od no, it)% not yo7r ,&7lt3 Fh hell39
9Wh&tC 5ell +e39
9I)+ <7%t not 7p to it,9 %he)d %&y3 9:7%t 0e eve%y nightC9 5he e2ery night
%he re,erred to 0&% in &.t7&lity only & ,e0 night% & 0ee' &nd %oon le%% th&n
th&t3
9I .&n)t,9 %he)d %&y g7iltily 0hen I)d &tte+pt to in%tig&te %e?3 9Go7 'no0
I)+ going thro7gh & b&d t7ne39
9Wh&t b&d ti+eC9 I &%'ed in.red7lo7%ly3 9Are yo7 %eeing %o+eone
el%eC9
9F, .o7r%e not39
9>o yo7 lo2e +eC9
9Ge%3 I 0i%h I didn)t9
9So 0h&tC Why the t7rno,,C And it)% not getting better, it)% getting
0or%e39
9I .&n)t do it 0ith yo7,9 %he .on,e%%ed one night3 9Go7 re+ind +e o, +y
brother39
9Wh&tC9
9Go7 re+ind +e o, >&nny3 >on)t &%' +e 0hy,9
9Go7r brotherC Go7 +7%t be <o'ingE9
9No39
9B7t he)% & t0entythreeye&rold, blond WAS- 0ho 0or'% in yo7r
,&ther)% l&0 pr&.ti.e, &nd I re+ind yo7 o, hi+C9
9It)% li'e going to bed 0ith +y brother,9 %he 0ept3
9F3L3, F3L3, don)t .ry3 We)ll be &ll right3 I h&2e to t&'e %o+e &%pirin &nd
lie do0n3 I don)t ,eel 0ell39 I pre%%ed +y throbbing te+ple% &nd pretended to
be be0ildered, b7t it 0&%, o, .o7r%e, ob2io7% th&t +y %trong rel&tion%hip
0ith her +other h&d in %o+e 0&y .&%t +e in & ,r&tern&l role &% ,&r &% Connie
0&% .on.erned3 $&te 0&% getting e2en3 I 0&% to be tort7red li'e 5&nt&l7%,
in.he% ,ro+ the %2elte, t&nned body o, Connie Ch&%en, yet 7n&ble to l&y &
h&nd on her 0itho7t, &t le&%t ,or the ti+e being, eli.iting the .l&%%i.&l
e?pleti2e, 9G7.'39 In the irr&tion&l &%%igning o, p&rt% th&t o..7r% in &ll o, o7r
e+otion&l dr&+&%, I h&d %7ddenly be.o+e & %ibling3
O&rio7% %t&ge% o, &ng7i%h +&r'ed the ne?t +onth%3 $ir%t the p&in o,
being re<e.ted in bed3 Ne?t, telling o7r%el2e% the .ondition 0&% te+por&ry3
5hi% 0&% &..o+p&nied by &n &tte+pt by +e to be 7nder%t&nding, to be
p&tient3 I re.&lled not being &ble to per,or+ 0ith & %e?y d&te in .ollege on.e
pre.i%ely be.&7%e %o+e 2&g7e t0i%t o, her he&d re+inded +e o, +y A7nt
Ii,'&3 5hi% girl 0&% ,&r prettier th&n the %87irrel,&.ed &7nt o, +y boyhood,
b7t the notion o, +&'ing lo2e 0ith +y +other)% %i%ter 0re.'ed the +o+ent
irrep&r&bly3 I 'ne0 0h&t Connie 0&% going thro7gh, &nd yet %e?7&l
,r7%tr&tion +o7nted &nd .o+po7nded it%el,3 A,ter & ti+e, +y %el,.ontrol
%o7ght e?pre%%ion in %&r.&%ti. re+&r'% &nd l&ter in &n 7rge to b7rn do0n the
ho7%e3 Still, I 'ept trying not to be r&%h, trying to ride o7t the %tor+ o,
7nre&%on &nd pre%er2e 0h&t in &ll other 0&y% 0&% & good rel&tion%hip 0ith
Connie3 :y %7gge%tion ,or her to %ee & p%y.ho&n&ly%t ,ell on de&, e&r%, &%
nothing 0&% +ore &lien to her Conne.ti.7t 7pbringing th&n the Be0i%h
%.ien.e ,ro+ Oienn&3
9Sleep 0ith other 0o+en3 Wh&t el%e .&n I %&yC9 %he o,,ered3
9I don)t 0&nt to %leep 0ith other 0o+en3 I lo2e yo739
9And I lo2e yo73 Go7 'no0 th&t3 B7t I .&n)t go to bed 0ith yo739 Indeed
I 0&% not the type 0ho %lept &ro7nd, ,or de%pite +y ,&nt&%y epi%ode 0ith
Connie)% +other, I h&d ne2er .he&ted on Connie3 5r7e, I h&d e?perien.ed
nor+&l d&ydre&+% o2er r&ndo+ ,e+&le%Jthi% &.tre%%, th&t %te0&rde%%, %o+e
0ideeyed .ollege girlJyet ne2er 0o7ld I h&2e been 7n,&ith,7l to0&rd +y
lo2er3 And not be.&7%e I .o7ldn)t h&2e3 Cert&in 0o+en I h&d .o+e in
.ont&.t 0ith h&d been 87ite &ggre%%i2e, e2en pred&tory, b7t +y loy<y h&d
re+&ined 0ith ConnieK do7bly %o, d7ring thi% trying ti+e o, her i+poten.e3
It o..7rred to +e, o, .o7r%e, to hit on (+ily &g&in, 0ho+ I %till %&0 0ith
&nd 0itho7t Connie in inno.ent, .o+p&nion&ble ,&%hion, b7t I ,elt th&t to
%to'e 7p e+ber% I h&d l&bored %o %7..e%%,7lly to d&+pen 0o7ld only le&d to
e2erybody)% +i%ery3
5hi% i% not to %&y th&t Connie 0&% ,&ith,7l3 No, the %&d tr7th 0&%, on &t
le&%t %e2er&l o..&%ion%, %he h&d %7..7+bed to &lien 0ile%, bedding %7rrepti
tio7%ly 0ith &.tor% &nd &7thor% &li'e3
9Wh&t do yo7 0&nt +e to %&yC9 %he 0ept one three A3:3 0hen I h&d
.&7ght her in & t&ngle o, .ontr&di.ting &libi%3 9I only do it to &%%7re +y%el,
I)+ not %o+e %ort o, & ,re&'3 5h&t I %till &+ &ble to h&2e %e?39
9Go7 .&n h&2e %e? 0ith &nyone b7t +e,9 I %&id, ,7rio7% 0ith ,eeling% o,
in<7%ti.e3
9Ge%3 Go7 re+ind +e o, +y brother39
9I don)t 0&nt to he&r th&t non%en%e39
9I told yo7 to %leep 0ith other 0o+en39
9I)2e tried not to, b7t it loo'% &% i, I)+ going to h&2e to39
9-le&%e3 >o it3 It)% & .7r%e,9 %he %obbed3 It 0&% tr7ly & .7r%e3 $or 0hen
t0o people lo2e e&.h other &nd &re ,or.ed to %ep&r&te be.&7%e o, &n &l+o%t
.o+i.&l &berr&tion, 0h&t el%e .o7ld it beC 5h&t I bro7ght it on +y%el, by
de2eloping & .lo%e rel&tion%hip 0ith her +other 0&% 7ndeni&ble3 -erh&p% it
0&% +y .o+e7pp&n.e ,or thin'ing I .o7ld enti.e &nd bed (+ily Ch&%en,
h&2ing &lre&dy +&de 0hoopee 0ith her o,,%pring3
5he %in o, h7bri%, +&ybe3 :e, 6&rold Cohen, g7ilty o, h7bri%3 A +&n
0ho h&% ne2er tho7ght o, hi+%el, in &n order higher th&n rodent, n&iled ,or
h7bri%C 5oo h&rd to %0&llo03 And yet 0e did %ep&r&te3 -&in,7lly, 0e
re+&ined ,riend% &nd 0ent o7r indi2id7&l 0&y%3 5r7e, only ten .ity blo.'%
l&y bet0een o7r re%iden.e% &nd 0e %po'e e2ery other d&y, b7t the
rel&tion%hip 0&% o2er3 It 0&% then, &nd only then, th&t I beg&n to re&liDe ho0
+7.h I h&d re&lly &dored Connie3 Ine2it&bly bo7t% o, +el&n.holy &nd
&n?iety &..ent7&ted +y -ro7%ti&n h&De o, p&in3 I re.&lled &ll o7r ,ine
+o+ent% together, o7r e?.eption&l lo2e+&'ing, &nd in the %olit7de o, +y
l&rge &p&rt+ent, I 0ept3 I &tte+pted to go o7t on d&te%, b7t &g&in, ine2it&bly,
e2erything %ee+ed ,l&t3 All the little gro7pie% &nd %e.ret&rie% th&t p&r&ded
thro7gh the bedroo+ le,t +e e+ptyK e2en 0or%e th&n &n e2ening &lone 0ith
& good boo'3 5he 0orld %ee+ed tr7ly %t&le &nd 7npro,it&bleK 87ite & dre&ry,
&0,7l pl&.e, 7ntil one d&y I got the %t7nning ne0% th&t Connie)% +other h&d
le,t her h7%b&nd &nd they 0ere getting & di2or.e3 I+&gine th&t, I tho7ght, &%
+y he&rt be&t ,&%ter th&n nor+&l %peed ,or the ,ir%t ti+e in &ge%3 :y p&rent%
,ight li'e the :ont&g7e% &nd C&p7let% &nd %t&y together their 0hole li2e%3
Connie)% ,ol'% %ip +&rtini% &nd h7g 0ith tr7e .i2ility &nd, bingo, they)re
di2or.ing3
:y .o7r%e o, &.tion 0&% no0 ob2io7%3 5r&der Oi.)%3 No0 there .o7ld be
no .rippling ob%t&.le% in o7r p&th3 5ho7gh it 0o7ld be %o+e0h&t &0'0&rd
&% I h&d been Connie)% lo2er, it held none o, the o2er0hel+ing di,,i.7ltie% o,
the p&%t3 We 0ere no0 t0o ,ree &gent%3 :y dor+&nt ,eeling% ,or (+ily
Ch&%en, &l0&y% %+oldering, ignited on.e &g&in3 -erh&p% & .r7el t0i%t o, ,&te
r7ined +y rel&tion%hip 0ith Connie, b7t nothing 0o7ld %t&nd in the 0&y o,
+y .on87ering her +other3
Iiding the .re%t o, the l&rge e.ono+y%iDe h7bri%, I phoned (+ily &nd
+&de & d&te3 5hree d&y% l&ter 0e %&t h7ddled in the d&r' o, +y ,&2orite
-olyne%i&n re%t&7r&nt, &nd loo%e ,ro+ three B&hi&)%, %he po7red o7t her he&rt
&bo7t the de+i%e o, her +&rri&ge3 When %he got to the p&rt &bo7t loo'ing ,or
& ne0 li,e 0ith le%% re%tr&int &nd +ore .re&ti2e po%%ibilitie%, I 'i%%ed her3
Ge%, %he 0&% t&'en &b&.' b7t %he did not %.re&+3 She &.ted %7rpri%ed, b7t I
.on,e%%ed +y ,eeling% to0&rd her &nd 'i%%ed her &g&in3 She %ee+ed .on
,7%ed b7t did not bolt ,ro+ the t&ble, o7tr&ged3 By the third 'i%% I 'ne0 %he
0o7ld %7..7+b3 She %h&red +y ,eeling%3 I too' her to +y &p&rt+ent &nd 0e
+&de lo2e3 5he ,ollo0ing +orning, 0hen the e,,e.t% o, the r7+ h&d 0orn
o,,, %he %till loo'ed +&gni,i.ent to +e &nd 0e +&de lo2e &g&in3
9I 0&nt yo7 to +&rry +e,9 I %&id, +y eye% gl&Ded o2er 0ith &dor&tion3
9Not re&lly,9 %he %&id3
9Ge%,9 I %&id3 9I)ll %ettle ,or nothing le%%39 We 'i%%ed &nd h&d bre&',&%t,
l&7ghing &nd +&'ing pl&n%3 5h&t d&y I bro'e the ne0% to Connie, br&.ed ,or
& blo0 th&t ne2er .&+e3 I h&d &nti.ip&ted &ny n7+ber o, re&.tion% r&nging
,ro+ deri%i2e l&7ghter to o7tright ,7ry, b7t the tr7th 0&% Connie too' it in
.h&r+ing %tride3 She her%el, 0&% le&ding &n &.ti2e %o.i&l li,e, going o7t 0ith
%e2er&l &ttr&.ti2e +en, &nd h&d e?perien.ed gre&t .on.ern o2er her +other)%
,7t7re 0hen the 0o+&n h&d gotten di2or.ed3 S7ddenly & yo7ng 'night h&d
e+erged to .&re ,or the lo2ely l&dy3 A 'night 0ho %till h&d & ,ine, ,riendly
rel&tion%hip 0ith Connie3 It 0&% & %tro'e o, good ,ort7ne &ll &ro7nd3
Connie)% g7ilt o2er p7tting +e thro7gh hell 0o7ld be re+o2ed3 (+ily 0o7ld
be h&ppy3 I 0o7ld be h&ppy3 Ge%, Connie too' it &ll in .&%7&l, goodh7+ored
%tride, n&t7r&l to her 7pbringing3
:y p&rent%, on the other h&nd, pro.eeded dire.tly to the 0indo0 o, their
tenth%tory &p&rt+ent &nd .o+peted ,or le&ping %p&.e3
9I ne2er he&rd o, %7.h & thing,9 +y +other 0&iled, rending her robe &nd
gn&%hing her teeth3
96e)% .r&Dy3 Go7 idiot3 Go7)re .r&Dy,9 +y ,&ther %&id, loo'ing p&le &nd
%tri.'en3
9A ,i,ty,i2eye&rold shi&sa@30 +y A7nt Io%e %hrie'ed, li,ting the letter
opener &nd bringing it to her eye%3
9I lo2e her,9 I prote%ted3
9She)% +ore th&n t0i.e yo7r &ge,9 ;n.le Ho7ie yelled3
9SoC9
9So it)% not done,9 +y ,&ther yelled, in2o'ing the 5or&h3
96i% girl ,riend)% +other he)% +&rryingC9 A7nt 5illie yelped &% %he %lid to
the ,loor 7n.on%.io7%3
9$i,ty,i2e &nd & shi&sa,0 +y +other %.re&+ed, %e&r.hing no0 ,or &
.y&nide .&p%7le %he h&d re%er2ed ,or <7%t %7.h o..&%ion%3
9Wh&t &re they, :oonie%C9 ;n.le Ho7ie &%'ed3 9>o they h&2e hi+
hypnotiDedEC9
9IdiotE I+be.ile,9 >&d %.re&+ed3 A7nt 5illie reg&ined .on%.io7%ne%%,
,o.7%ed on +e, re+e+bered 0here %he 0&%, &nd p&%%ed o7t &g&in3 In the ,&r
.orner, A7nt Io%e 0&% do0n on her 'nee% intoning Sh)+& Gi%roel3
9=od 0ill p7ni%h yo7, 6&rold,9 +y ,&ther yelled3 9=od 0ill .le&2e yo7r
tong7e to the roo, o, yo7r +o7th &nd &ll yo7r .&ttle &nd 'ine %h&ll die &nd &
tenth o, &ll thy .rop% %h&ll 0ither &nd3339
B7t I +&rried (+ily &nd there 0ere no %7i.ide%3 (+ily)% three .hildren
&ttended &nd & doDen or %o ,riend%3 It 0&% held in Connie)% &p&rt+ent &nd
.h&+p&gne ,lo0ed3 :y ,ol'% .o7ld not +&'e it, & pre2io7% .o++it+ent to
%&.ri,i.e & l&+b t&'ing pre.eden.e3 We &ll d&n.ed &nd <o'ed &nd the e2ening
0ent 0ell3 At one point, I ,o7nd +y%el, in the bedroo+ 0ith Connie &lone3
We 'idded &nd re+ini%.ed &bo7t o7r rel&tion%hip, it% 7p% &nd do0n%, &nd
ho0 %e?7&lly &ttr&.ted I h&d been to her3
9It 0&% ,l&ttering,9 %he %&id 0&r+ly3
9Well, I .o7ldn)t %0ing it 0ith the d&7ghter, %o I .&rried o,, the +other39
5he ne?t thing I 'ne0, Connie)% tong7e 0&% in +y +o7th3 9Wh&t the hell &re
yo7 doingC9 I %&id, p7lling b&.'3 9Are yo7 dr7n'C9
9Go7 t7rn +e on li'e yo7 .&n)t belie2e,9 %he %&id, dr&gging +e do0n on
the bed3
9Wh&t)% gotten into yo7C Are yo7 & ny+pho+&ni&.C9 I %&id, ri%ing, yet
7ndeni&bly e?.ited by her %7dden &ggre%%i2ene%%3
9I h&2e to %leep 0ith yo73 I, not no0, then %oon,9 %he %&id3
9:eC 6&rold CohenC 5he g7y 0ho li2ed 0ith yo7C And lo2ed yo7C
Who .o7ldn)t get ne&r yo7 0ith & ten,oot pole be.&7%e I be.&+e & 2er%ion
o, >&nnyC :e yo7)re hot ,orC Go7r brother %y+bolC9
9It)% & 0hole ne0 b&ll g&+e,9 %he %&id, pre%%ing .lo%e to +e3 9:&rrying
:o+ h&% +&de yo7 +y ,&ther39 She 'i%%ed +e &g&in &nd <7%t be,ore re
t7rning to the ,e%ti2itie% %&id, 9>on)t 0orry, >&d, there)ll be plenty o,
opport7nitie%39
I %&t on the bed &nd %t&red o7t the 0indo0 into in,inite %p&.e3 I tho7ght
o, +y p&rent% &nd 0ondered i, I %ho7ld &b&ndon the the&tre &nd ret7rn to
r&bbini.&l %.hool3 5hro7gh the h&l,open door I %&0 Connie &nd &l%o (+ily,
both l&7ghing &nd .h&tting 0ith g7e%t%, &nd &ll I .o7ld +7tter to +y%el, &% I
re+&ined & li+p, h7n.hed ,ig7re 0&% &n &geold line o, +y gr&nd,&ther)%
0hi.h goe% 9Fy 2ey39
Con)essions
o) a B#rglar
,)ollo*ing a%e e"ce%-ts f%om the soon to .e -u.lished memoi%s of =i%gil
$ves, *ho is cu%%ently se%ving the fi%st of fou% consecutive ninety!nine!yea%
sentences fo% va%ious felonies (% $ves -lans on *o%&ing *ith child%en
*hen he gets out/
S;I( I S5FH(3 Why notC Where I gre0 7p, yo7 h&d to %te&l to e&t3 5hen yo7
h&d to %te&l to tip3 Hot% o, g7y% %tole ,i,teen per .ent, b7t I &l0&y% %tole
t0enty, 0hi.h +&de +e & big ,&2orite &+ong the 0&iter%3 Fn the 0&y ho+e
,ro+ & hei%t, I)d %te&l %o+e p&<&+&% to %leep in3 Fr i, it 0&% & hot night, I)d
%te&l 7nder0e&r3 It 0&% & 0&y o, li,e3 I h&d & b&d 7pbringing, yo7 +ight %&y3
:y d&d 0&% &l0&y% on the r7n ,ro+ the .op% &nd I ne2er %&0 hi+ o7t o,
di%g7i%e till I 0&% t0entyt0o3 $or ye&r%, I tho7ght he 0&% & %hort, be&rded
+&n 0ith d&r' gl&%%e% &nd & li+pK &.t7&lly, he 0&% t&ll &nd blond &nd
re%e+bled Hindbergh3 6e 0&% & pro,e%%ion&l b&n' robber, b7t %i?ty,i2e 0&%
the +&nd&tory retire+ent &ge, %o he h&d to get o7t3 Spent hi% l&%t ,e0 ye&r%
in +&il ,r&7d, b7t the po%t&l r&te% 0ent 7p &nd he lo%t e2erything3
:o+ 0&% 0&nted, too3 F, .o7r%e in tho%e d&y% it 0&%n)t the 0&y it i%
no0, 0ith 0o+en de+&nding e87&l right%, &nd &ll3 B&.' then, i, & 0o+&n
t7rned to .ri+e the only opport7nitie% open to her 0ere bl&.'+&il &nd, on.e
in & 0hile, &r%on3 Wo+en 0ere 7%ed in Chi.&go to dri2e get&0&y .&r%, b7t
only d7ring the dri2er%) %tri'e, in 19#63 5errible %tri'e3 It l&%ted eight 0ee'%,
&nd 0hene2er & g&ng p7lled & <ob &nd r&n o7t 0ith the +oney they 0ere
,or.ed to 0&l' or t&'e & .&b3
I h&d & %i%ter &nd t0o brother%3 Benny +&rried +oney3 Not &n &.t7&l
h7+&n beingJit 0&% & pile o, %ingle%3 :y brother Oi. got in 0ith & g&ng o,
pl&gi&ri%t%3 6e 0&% in the +iddle o, %igning hi% n&+e to 95he W&%te H&nd9
0hen the ,ed% %7rro7nded the ho7%e3 6e got ten ye&r%3 So+e ri.h 'id ,ro+ &
high,&l7tin ,&+ily 0ho %igned -o7nd)% 9C&nto%9 got o,, on prob&tion3 5h&t)%
the l&0 ,or yo73 Ch&rlieJth&t)% +y yo7nge%t brotherJhe)% been & n7+ber%
r7nner, & ,en.e, &nd & lo&n %h&r'3 Ne2er .o7ld ,ind hi+%el,3 (2ent7&lly he
0&% &rre%ted ,or loitering3 6e loitered ,or %e2en ye&r%, till he re&liDed it 0&%
not the 'ind o, .ri+e th&t bro7ght in &ny +oney3
5he ,ir%t thing I e2er %tole 0&% & lo&, o, bre&d3 I 0&% 0or'ing ,or Ii,'in)%
B&'ery, 0here +y <ob 0&% to re+o2e the <elly ,ro+ do7ghn7t% th&t h&d gone
%t&le &nd tr&n%,er it to ,re%h good%3 It 0&% 2ery e?&.ting 0or', done 0ith &
r7bber t7be &nd & %.&lpel3 I, yo7r h&nd% %hoo', the <elly 0ent on the ,loor
&nd old +&n Ii,'in 0o7ld p7ll yo7r h&ir3 Arnold Ioth%tein, 0ho 0e &ll
loo'ed 7p to, .&+e in one d&y &nd %&id he 0&nted to get hi% h&nd% on & lo&,
o, bre&d b7t he &b%ol7tely re,7%ed to p&y ,or it3 6e hinted th&t thi% 0&% &
.h&n.e ,or %o+e %+&rt 'id to get into the r&.'et%3 I too' th&t &% & .7e, &nd
e&.h d&y 0hen I le,t I p7t one %li.e o, rye 7nder +y .o&t, 7ntil &,ter three
0ee'% I h&d &..7+7l&ted & 0hole lo&,3 Fn the 0&y to Ioth%tein)% o,,i.e, I
beg&n to ,eel re+or%e, be.&7%e e2en tho7gh I h&ted Ii,'in hi% 0i,e h&d on.e
let +e t&'e ho+e t0o %eed% ,ro+ & roll 0hen +y 7n.le 0&% dying3 I tried to
ret7rn the bre&d, b7t I got .&7ght 0hile I 0&% trying to ,ig7re o7t 0hi.h lo&,
e&.h %li.e belonged to3 5he ne?t thing I 'ne0, I 0&% in (l+ir& Ie,or+&tory3
(l+ir& 0&% & to7gh <oint3 I e%.&ped ,i2e ti+e%3 Fn.e I tried to %ne&' o7t
in the b&.' o, & l&7ndry tr7.'3 5he g7&rd% got %7%pi.io7%, &nd one o, the+
po'ed +e 0ith hi% %ti.' &nd &%'ed +e 0h&t the hell I 0&% doing lying
&ro7nd in & h&+per3 I loo'ed hi+ right in the eye &nd %&id, 9I)+ %o+e %hirt%39
I .o7ld tell he 0&% d7bio7%3 6e 'ept p&.ing b&.' &nd ,orth &nd %t&ring &t +e3
I g7e%% I got & little p&ni.'y3 9I)+ %o+e shi%ts,0 I told hi+3 9So+e deni+
0or' %hirt%Jbl7e one%39 Be,ore I .o7ld %&y ¬her 0ord, +y &r+% &nd leg%
0ere +&n&.led &nd I 0&% b&.' in %tir3
I le&rned e2erything I 'ne0 &bo7t .ri+e &t (l+ir&* ho0 to pi.' po.'et%,
ho0 to .r&.' & %&,e, ho0 to .7t gl&%%J&ll the ,ine point% o, the tr&de3 $or
in%t&n.e, I le&rned @&nd not e2en &ll pro,e%%ion&l .ri+in&l% 'no0 thi%A th&t in
the e2ent o, & %hooto7t 0ith the .op%, the .op% &re &l0&y% &llo0ed the ,ir%t
t0o %hot%3 It)% <7%t the 0&y it)% done3 5hen yo7 ret7rn ,ire3 And i, & .op %&y%,
9We h&2e the ho7%e %7rro7nded, .o+e o7t 0ith yo7r h&nd% 7p,9 yo7 don)t
<7%t %hoot 0ildly3 Go7 %&y, 9I)d pre,er not to,9 or 9I)d r&ther not &t thi%
p&rti.7l&r ti+e39 5here)% & right 0&y to do the%e thing%, b7t tod&y333 Well,
0hy go into &ll th&tC
$or the ne?t ,e0 ye&r% o, +y li,e I 0&% the be%t d&+n b7rgl&r yo7 e2er
%&03 -eople t&l' &bo7t I&,,le%, b7t I&,,le% h&d hi% %tyle &nd I h&d +ine3 I
h&d l7n.h 0ith I&,,le%) %on on.e3 Ni.e g7y3 We &te &t the old Hindy)%3 6e
%tole the pepper +ill3 I %tole the %il2er0&re &nd n&p'in%3 5hen he too' the
'et.h7p bottle3 I too' hi% h&t3 6e got +y 7+brell& &nd tiepin3 When 0e le,t
0e 'idn&pped & 0&iter3 It 0&% 87ite & h&7l3 5he origin&l I&,,le% beg&n &% &
.&t b7rgl&r3 @I .o7ldn)t do th&t, be.&7%e the 0hi%'er% +&'e +e %neeDe3A 6e)d
dre%% 7p in thi% be&t7p .&t %7it &nd d&rt o2er roo,top%3 In the end, he 0&%
.&7ght by t0o g7y% ,ro+ S.otl&nd G&rd dre%%ed &% dog%3 I %7ppo%e yo7)2e
he&rd o, the Li%%ing B&nditC 6e)d bre&' into & <oint &nd rob the 2i.ti+, &nd
i, it 0&% & 0o+&n he)d 'i%% her3 It 0&% %&d the 0&y the l&0 ,in&lly n&iled
hi+3 6e h&d t0o old do0&ger% tied 7p &nd he 0&% pr&n.ing in ,ront o, the+
%inging 9=i++e & Hittle Li%%, Will G&, 67hC9 0hen he %lipped on &
,oot%tool &nd ,r&.t7red hi% pel2i%3
5ho%e boy% +&de &ll the he&dline%, b7t I p7lled o,, %o+e .&per% th&t the
poli.e ne2er did ,ig7re o7t3 Fn.e, I entered & +&n%ion, ble0 the %&,e, &nd
re+o2ed %i? tho7%&nd doll&r% 0hile & .o7ple %lept in the %&+e roo+3 5he
h7%b&nd 0o'e 7p 0hen the dyn&+ite 0ent o,,, b7t 0hen I &%%7red hi+ th&t
the entire pro.eed% 0o7ld go to the Boy%) Cl7b% o, A+eri.& he 0ent b&.' to
%leep3 Cle2erly, I le,t behind %o+e ,ingerprint% o, $r&n'lin >3 Ioo%e2elt,
0ho 0&% -re%ident then3 Another ti+e, &t & big diplo+&ti. .o.'t&il p&rty, I
%tole & 0o+&n)% di&+ond ne.'l&.e 0hile 0e 0ere %h&'ing h&nd%3 ;%ed &
2&.77+ .le&ner on herJ&n old 6oo2er3 =ot her ne.'l&.e &nd e&rring%3
H&ter, 0hen I opened the b&g I ,o7nd %o+e ,&l%e teeth there, 0hi.h belonged
to the >7t.h A+b&%%&dor3
:y +o%t be&7ti,7l <ob, tho7gh, 0&% 0hen I bro'e into the Briti%h
:7%e7+3 I 'ne0 th&t the entire ,loor o, the I&re =e+% Ioo+ 0&% 0ired &nd
the %lighte%t pre%%7re on it 0o7ld %et o,, &n &l&r+3 I 0&% lo0ered in 7p%ide
do0n by & rope ,ro+ the %'ylight, %o I 0o7ldn)t to7.h the gro7nd3 I .&+e
thro7gh ne&t &% yo7 ple&%e, &nd in & +in7te I 0&% ho2ering o2er the ,&+o7%
Littridge >i&+ond% in their di%pl&y .&%e3 A% I p7lled o7t +y gl&%% .7tter &
little %p&rro0 ,le0 in thro7gh the %'ylight &nd l&nded on the ,loor3 5he &l&r+
%o7nded &nd eight %87&d .&r% &rri2ed3 I got ten ye&r%3 5he %p&rro0 got
t0enty to li,e3 5he bird 0&% o7t in %i? +onth%, on prob&tion3 A ye&r l&ter, he
0&% pi.'ed 7p in $ort Worth ,or pe.'ing I&bbi :orri% Ll7g,ein into & %t&te
o, %e+i.on%.io7%ne%%3
Wh&t &d2i.e 0o7ld I gi2e the &2er&ge ho+eo0ner to prote.t hi+%el,
&g&in%t b7rgl&r%C Well, the ,ir%t thing i% to 'eep & light on in the ho7%e 0hen
yo7 go o7t3 It +7%t be &t le&%t & %i?ty0&tt b7lbK &nything le%% &nd the
b7rgl&r 0ill r&n%&.' the ho7%e, o7t o, .onte+pt ,or the 0&tt&ge3 Another
good ide& i% to 'eep & dog, b7t thi% i% not ,oolproo,3 Whene2er I 0&% &bo7t
to rob & ho7%e 0ith & dog in it, I thre0 in %o+e dog ,ood +i?ed 0ith
Se.on&l3 I, th&t didn)t 0or', I)d grind 7p e87&l p&rt% o, .hopped +e&t &nd &
no2el by 5heodore >rei%er3 I, it h&ppen% th&t yo7 &re going o7t o, to0n &nd
+7%t le&2e yo7r ho7%e 7ng7&rded, it)% & good ide& to p7t & .&rdbo&rd
%ilho7ette o, yo7r%el, in the 0indo03 Any %ilho7ette 0ill do3 A Bron? +&n
on.e pl&.ed & .&rdbo&rd %ilho7ette o, :ontgo+ery Cli,t in hi% 0indo0 &nd
then 0ent to L7t%her)% ,or the 0ee'end3 H&ter, :ontgo+ery Cli,t hi+%el,
h&ppened to 0&l' by &nd %&0 the %ilho7ette, 0hi.h .&7%ed hi+ gre&t &n?iety3
6e &tte+pted to %tri'e 7p & .on2er%&tion, &nd 0hen it ,&iled to &n%0er ,or
%e2en ho7r% Cli,t ret7rned to C&li,orni& &nd told hi% ,riend% th&t Ne0
Gor'er% 0ere %nobbi%h3
I, yo7 %7rpri%e &n intr7der in the &.t o, b7rgl&riDing yo7r ho+e, do not
p&ni.3 Ie+e+ber, he i% &% ,rightened &% yo7 &re3 Fne good de2i.e i% to rob
him SeiDe the initi&ti2e &nd relie2e the b7rgl&r o, hi% 0&t.h &nd 0&llet3 5hen
he .&n get into yo7r bed 0hile yo7 +&'e & get&0&y3 5r&pped by thi%
de,en%e, I on.e 0o7nd 7p li2ing in >e% :oine% ,or %i? ye&r% 0ith ¬her
+&n)% 0i,e &nd three .hildren, &nd only le,t 0hen I 0&% ,ort7n&te eno7gh to
%7rpri%e ¬her b7rgl&r, 0ho too' +y pl&.e3 5he %i? ye&r% I li2ed 0ith th&t
,&+ily 0ere 2ery h&ppy one%, &nd I o,ten loo' b&.' on the+ 0ith &,,e.tion,
<ho7gh there i% &l%o +7.h to be %&id ,or 0or'ing on & .h&in g&ng3
ABOUT T/E AUT/OR
A,ter he 0&% re<e.ted ,ro+ both Ne0 Gor' ;ni2er%ity &nd City College,
Woody Allen t7rned to & pro,e%%ion&l 0riting .&reer, &t ,ir%t ,or tele2i%ion
&nd .o+edi&n%3 In 196" he de.ided to be.o+e & .o+edi&n hi+%el,3
Woody Allen)% ,ir%t %.reenpl&y, 0ritten in 196", 0&% the enor+o7%ly
pop7l&r What+s Ne*, Pussycat3 6e h&% &l%o 0ritten, dire.ted, &nd %t&rred in
thirteen ,il+% to d&te* Ta&e the (oney and Run, Bananas, Eve%ything 'ou
Al*ays Wanted to :no* A.out Se", Slee-e%, 7ove and #eath, Annie Hall,
(anhattan, Sta%dust (emo%ies, A (idsumme% Night+s Se" 1omedy,
B%oad*ay #anny Rose, Zelig, Hannah and He% Siste%s, Radio #ays,
Se-tem.e%, &nd 1%imes and (isdemeano%s :r3 Allen &l%o 0rote &nd
dire.ted $nte%io%s &nd The Pu%-le Rose of 1ai%o In &ddition, :r3 Allen h&%
0ritten three pl&y% ,or Bro&d0&y* #on+t #%in& the Wate%, Play $t Again,
Sam @the l&tter %t&rring hi+%el, in both the pl&y &nd the %7b%e87ent ,il+
2er%ionA &nd The )loating 7ight.ul.
:r3 Allen h&% 0ritten &nd &ppe&red in hi% o0n tele2i%ion %pe.i&l% &nd
h&% been & ,re87ent .ontrib7tor to The Ne* 'o%&e%, &+ong other periodi.&l%3
