II
,7incoln and (a%y Todd in thei% .ed%oom, middle of the night She in .ed,
7incoln -acing ne%vously/
(a%y: Co+e to bed, Abe3 Wh&t)% 0rongC
7incoln: 5h&t +&n tod&y3 5he 87e%tion3 I .&n)t get it o7t o, +y +ind3
Benning%)% opened & .&n o, 0or+%3
(a%y: $orget it, Abe3
7incoln: I 0&nt to, :&ry3 Be%7%, don)t yo7 thin' I 0&nt toC B7t tho%e
h&7nting eye%3 I+ploring3 Wh&t .o7ld h&2e pro+pted itC I need & drin'3
(a%y: No, Abe3
7incoln: Ge%3
(a%y: I %&id, noE Go7)2e been <ittery l&tely3 It)% thi% d&+n .i2il 0&r3
7incoln: It)% not the 0&r3 I didn)t re%pond to the h7+&n being3 I 0&% too
preo..7pied 0ith getting the 87i.' l&7gh3 I &llo0ed & .o+ple? i%%7e to
el7de +e <7%t %o I .o7ld get %o+e .h7.'le% ,ro+ +y .&binet3 5hey h&te
+e &nyho03
(a%y: 5hey lo2e yo7, Abe3
7incoln: I)+ 2&in3 Still, it 0&% & ,&%t .o+eb&.'3
(a%y: I &gree3 Go7r &n%0er 0&% .le2er3 Hong eno7gh to re&.h hi% tor%o3
7incoln: 5o re&.h the gro7nd3
(a%y: No, yo7 %&id it the other 0&y3
7incoln: No3 Wh&t)% ,7nny &bo7t th&tC
(a%y: 5o +e it)% & lot ,7nnier3
7incoln: 5h&t)% ,7nnierC
(a%y: S7re3
7incoln: :&ry, yo7 don)t 'no0 0h&t yo7)re t&l'ing &bo7t3
(a%y: 5he i+&ge o, leg% ri%ing to & tor%o333
7incoln: $orget itE C&n 0e ,orget itE Where)% the bo7rbonC
(a%y: ,Withholding the .ottle/ No, Abe, Go7 0on)t drin' tonightE I 0on)t
&llo0 itE
7incoln: :&ry, 0h&t)% h&ppened to 7%C We 7%ed to h&2e %7.h ,7n3
(a%y: ,Tende%ly/ Co+e here, Abe3 5here)% & ,7ll +oon tonight3 Hi'e the
night 0e +et3
7incoln: No, :&ry3 5he night 0e +et there 0&% & 0&ning +oon3
(a%y: $7ll3
7incoln: W&ning3
(a%y: $7ll3
7incoln: I)ll get the &l+&n&.3
(a%y: Fh Chri%t, Abe, ,orget itE
7incoln: I)+ %orry3
(a%y: I% it the 87e%tionC 5he leg%C I% it %till th&tC
7incoln: Wh&t did he +e&nC
III
,The ca.in of Will Raines and his *ife Haines ente%s afte% a long %ide Alice
-uts do*n he% <uilting .as&et and %uns to him/
Alice: Well, did yo7 &%' hi+C Will he p&rdon Andre0C
Will: ,Beside himself/ Fh, Ali.e, I did %7.h & %t7pid thing3
Alice: ,Bitte%ly/ Wh&tC >on)t tell +e he 0on)t p&rdon o7r %onC
Will: I didn)t &%' hi+3
Alice: Go7 0h&tEC Go7 didn)t &%' hi+EC
Will: I don)t 'no0 0h&t .&+e o2er +e3 5here he 0&%, the -re%ident o, the
;nited St&te%, %7rro7nded by i+port&nt people3 6i% .&binet, hi% ,riend%3
5hen %o+eone %&id, :r3 Hin.oln, thi% +&n h&% ridden &ll d&y to %pe&' to
yo73 6e h&% & 87e%tion to &%'3 All the 0hile I 0&% riding I h&d gone o2er
the 87e%tion in +y +ind3 9:r3 Hin.oln, %ir, o7r boy Andre0 +&de &
+i%t&'e3 I re&liDe ho0 %erio7% it i% to ,&ll &%leep on g7&rd d7ty, b7t
e?e.7ting %7.h & yo7ng +&n %ee+% %o .r7el3 :r3 -re%ident, %ir, .o7ldn)t
yo7 .o++7te hi% %enten.eC9
Alice: 5h&t 0&% the .orre.t 0&y to p7t it3
Will: B7t ,or %o+e re&%on, 0ith &ll tho%e ,ol'% %t&ring &t +e, 0hen the
-re%ident %&id, 9Ge%, 0h&t i% yo7r 87e%tionC9 I %&id, 9:r3 Hin.oln, ho0
long do yo7 thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC9
Alice: Wh&tC
Will: 5h&t)% right3 5h&t 0&% +y 87e%tion3 >on)t &%' +e 0hy it .&+e o7t3
6o0 long do yo7 thin' & +&n)% leg% %ho7ld beC
Alice: Wh&t 'ind o, 87e%tion i% th&tC
Will: I)+ telling yo7, I don)t 'no03
Alice: 6i% leg%C 6o0 longC
Will: Fh, Ali.e, ,orgi2e +e3
Alice: 6o0 long %ho7ld & +&n)% leg% beC 5h&t)% the %t7pide%t 87e%tion I)2e
e2er he&rd3
Will: I 'no0, I 'no03 >on)t 'eep re+inding +e3
Alice: B7t 0hy leg lengthC I +e&n, leg% &re not & %7b<e.t th&t p&rti.7l&rly
intere%t% yo73
Will: I 0&% ,7+,ering ,or 0ord%3 I ,orgot +y origin&l re87e%t3 I .o7ld he&r
the .lo.' ti.'ing3 I didn)t 0&nt to &ppe&r tong7etied3
Alice: >id :r3 Hin.oln %&y &nythingC >id he &n%0erC
Witt: Ge%3 6e %&id, long eno7gh to re&.h the gro7nd3
Alice: Hong eno7gh to re&.h the gro7ndC Wh&t the hell doe% th&t +e&nC
Will: Who 'no0%C B7t he got & big l&7gh3 F, .o7r%e, tho%e g7y% &re
di%po%ed to0&rd re&.ting3
Alice: ,Suddenly tu%ns/ :&ybe yo7 re&lly didn)t 0&nt Andre0 p&rdoned3
Will: Wh&tC
Alice: :&ybe do0n deep yo7 don)t 0&nt o7r %on)% %enten.e .o++7ted3
:&ybe yo7)re <e&lo7% o, hi+3
Will: Go7)re .r&Dy3 II3 :eC Be&lo7%C
Alice: Why notC 6e)% %tronger3 6e)% %+oother 0ith pi.' &nd &? &nd hoe3 6e)%
got & ,eel ,or the %oil li'e no +&n I)2e %een3
Will: Stop itE Stop itE
Alice: Het)% ,&.e it, Willi&+, yo7)re & lo7%y ,&r+er3
Witt: ,T%em.ling *ith -anic/ Ge%, I &d+it itE I h&te ,&r+ingE 5he %eed% &ll
loo' &li'e to +eE And the %oilE I .&n ne2er tell it &p&rt ,ro+ dirtE Go7,
,ro+ the e&%t, 0ith yo7r ,&n.y %.hool%E H&7ghing &t +e3 Sneering3 I
pl&nt t7rnip% &nd .orn .o+e% 7pE Go7 thin' th&t doe%n)t h7rt & +&nEC
Alice: I, yo7 0o7ld <7%t ,&%ten the %eed p&.'et% to & little %ti.' yo7)d 'no0
0h&t yo7 pl&ntedE
Will: I 0&nt to dieE (2erything i% going bl&.'E
,Suddenly the%e is a &noc& at the doo% and *hen Alice o-ens it, it is none
othe% than A.%aham 7incoln He is hagga%d and %ed!eyed/
7incoln: :r3 6&ine%C
Will: -re%ident Hin.oln 333
7incoln: 5h&t 87e%tionJ
Will: I 'no0, I 'no0 333 ho0 %t7pid o, +eE It 0&% &ll I .o7ld thin' o,, I 0&%
%o ner2o7%3
,Haines falls on his &nees *ee-ing 7incoln also *ee-s/
7incoln: 5hen I 0&% right3 It 0&% & non %e87it7r3
Will: Ge%, ye%333 ,orgi2e +e333
7incoln: ,Wee-ing unashamedly/ I do, I do3 Ii%e3 St&nd 7p3 Go7r boy 0ill be
p&rdoned tod&y3 A% 0ill &ll boy% 0ho +&de & +i%t&'e be ,orgi2en3
,8athe%ing the Haines family in his a%ms/
Go7r %t7pid 87e%tion h&% .&7%ed +e to ree2&l7&te +y li,e3 $or th&t I
th&n' yo7 &nd lo2e yo73
Alice: We did %o+e ree2&l7&ting too, Abe3 :&y 0e .&ll yo7333 C
7incoln: Ge%, %7re, 0hy notC >o yo7 g7y% h&2e &nything to e&tC A +&n
tr&2el% %o +&ny +ile%, &t le&%t o,,er hi+ %o+ething3
,As they .%ea& out the .%ead and cheese the cu%tain falls/
Fabri.io&s'
Critiism and
Res!onse
,An e"change in one of the mo%e thought!-%ovo&ing 2ou%nals, in *hich
)a.ian Plotnic&, ou% most high!minded %estau%ant c%itic, %evie*s )a.%i4io+s
=illa Nova Restau%ant, on Second Avenue, and, as usual, stimulates some
-%ofound %es-onses/
-AS5A AS AN e?pre%%ion o, It&li&n NeoIe&li%ti. %t&r.h i% 0ell 7nder%tood
by :&rio Spinelli, the .he, &t $&briDio)%3 Spinelli 'ne&d% hi% p&%t& %lo0ly3 6e
&llo0% & b7ild7p o, ten%ion by the .7%to+er% &% they %it %&li2&ting3 6i%
,ett7..ine, tho7gh 0ry &nd p7.'i%h in &n &l+o%t +i%.hie2o7% 0&y, o0e% &
lot to B&rDino, 0ho%e 7%e o, ,ett7..ine &% &n in%tr7+ent o, %o.i&l .h&nge i%
'no0n to 7% &ll3 5he di,,eren.e i% th&t &t B&rDino)% the p&tron i% led to e?pe.t
0hite ,ett7..ine &nd get% it3 6ere &t $&briDio)% he get% green ,ett7..ine3
WhyC It &ll %ee+% %o gr&t7ito7%3 A% .7%to+er%, 0e &re not prep&red ,or the
.h&nge3 6en.e, the green noodle doe% not &+7%e 7%3 It)% di%.on.erting in &
0&y 7nintended by the .he,3 5he ling7ine, on the other h&nd, i% 87ite
deli.io7% &nd not &t &ll did&.ti.3 5r7e, there i% & per2&%i2e :&r?i%t 87&lity to
it, b7t thi% i% hidden by the %&7.e3 Spinelli h&% been & de2oted It&li&n
Co++7ni%t ,or ye&r%, &nd h&% h&d gre&t %7..e%% in e%po7%ing hi% :&r?i%+
by %7btly in.l7ding it in the tortellini3
I beg&n +y +e&l 0ith &n &ntip&%to, 0hi.h &t ,ir%t &ppe&red &i+le%%, b7t
&% I ,o.7%ed +ore on the &n.ho2ie% the point o, it be.&+e .le&rer3 W&%
Spinelli trying to %&y th&t &ll li,e 0&% repre%ented here in thi% &ntip&%to, 0ith
the bl&.' oli2e% &n 7nbe&r&ble re+inder o, +ort&lityC I, %o, 0here 0&% the
.eleryC W&% the o+i%%ion deliber&teC At B&.obelli)%, the &ntip&%to .on%i%t%
%olely o, .elery3 B7t B&.obelli i% &n e?tre+i%t3 6e 0&nt% to .&ll o7r &ttention
to the &b%7rdity o, li,e3 Who .&n ,orget hi% %.&+pi* ,o7r g&rli.dren.hed
%hri+p &rr&nged in & 0&y th&t %&y% +ore &bo7t o7r in2ol2e+ent in Oietn&+
th&n .o7ntle%% boo'% on the %7b<e.tC Wh&t &n o7tr&ge in it% ti+eE No0 it
&ppe&r% t&+e ne?t to =ino $ino.hi)% @o, =ino)% Oe%72io Ie%t&7r&ntA So,t
-i..&t&, & %t&rtling %i?,oot %li.e o, 2e&l 0ith & pie.e o, bl&.' .hi,,on
&tt&.hed to it3 @$ino.hi &l0&y% 0or'% better in 2e&l th&n either ,i%h or
.hi.'en, &nd it 0&% & %ho.'ing o2er%ight by Time 0hen re,eren.e to hi+ 0&%
o+itted in the .o2er %tory on Iobert I&7%.henberg3A Spinelli, 7nli'e the%e
&2&ntg&rde .he,%, r&rely goe% &ll the 0&y3 6e he%it&te%, &% 0ith hi% %p7+oni,
&nd 0hen it .o+e%, o, .o7r%e it i% +elted3 5here h&% &l0&y% been & .ert&in
tent&ti2ene%% &bo7t Spinelli)% %tyleJp&rti.7l&rly in hi% tre&t+ent o, Sp&
ghetti Oongole3 @Be,ore hi% p%y.ho&n&ly%i%, .l&+% held gre&t terror ,or
Spinelli3 6e .o7ld not be&r to open the+, &nd 0hen ,or.ed to loo' in%ide he
bl&.'ed o7t3 6i% e&rly &tte+pt% &t Oongole %&0 hi+ de&ling e?.l7%i2ely 0ith
9.l&+ %7b%tit7te%39 6e 7%ed pe&n7t%, oli2e%, &nd ,in&lly, be,ore hi%
bre&'do0n, little r7bber er&%er%3A
Fne lo2ely to7.h &t $&briDio)% i% Spinelli)% Bonele%% Chi.'en
-&r+igi&n&3 5he title i% ironi., ,or he h&% ,illed the .hi.'en 0ith e?tr& bone%,
&% i, to %&y li,e +7%t not be inge%ted too 87i.'ly or 0itho7t .&7tion3 5he
.on%t&nt re+o2&l o, bone% ,ro+ the +o7th &nd the depo%iting o, the+ on the
pl&te gi2e the +e&l &n eerie %o7nd3 Fne i% re+inded &t on.e o, Webern, 0ho
%ee+% to .rop 7p &ll the ti+e in Spinelli)% .oo'ing3 Iobert Cr&,t, 0riting
&bo7t Str&2in%'y, +&'e% &n intere%ting point &bo7t S.hoenberg)% in,l7en.e
on Spinelli)% %&l&d% &nd Spinelli)% in,l7en.e on Str&2in%'y)% Con.erto in >
,or String%3 In point o, ,&.t, the +ine%trone i% & gre&t e?&+ple o, &ton&lity3
Cl7ttered &% it i% 0ith odd bit% &nd pie.e% o, ,ood, the .7%to+er i% ,or.ed to
+&'e noi%e% 0ith hi% +o7th &% he drin'% it3 5he%e tone% &re &rr&nged in & %et
p&ttern &nd repe&t the+%el2e% in %eri&l order3 5he ,ir%t night I 0&% &t
$&briDio)%, t0o p&tron%, & yo7ng boy &nd & ,&t +&n, 0ere drin'ing %o7p
%i+7lt&neo7%ly, &nd the e?.ite+ent 0&% %7.h th&t they re.ei2ed & %t&nding
o2&tion3 $or de%%ert, 0e h&d tortoni, &nd I 0&% re+inded o, HeibniD)%
re+&r'&ble prono7n.e+ent* 95he :on&d% h&2e no 0indo0%39 6o0 &propo%E
$&briDio)% pri.e%, &% 6&nn&h Arendt told +e on.e, &re 9re&%on&ble 0itho7t
being hi%tori.&lly ine2it&ble39 I &gree3
To the Edito%s:
$&bi&n -lotni.')% in%ight% into $&briDio)% Oill& No2& Ie%t&7r&nt &re ,7ll o,
+erit &nd per%pi.7ity3 5he only point +i%%ing ,ro+ hi% penetr&ting &n&ly%i%
i% th&t 0hile $&briDio)% i% & ,&+ilyr7n re%t&7r&nt, it doe% not .on,or+ to the
.l&%%i. It&li&n n7.le&r,&+ily %tr7.t7re b7t, .7rio7%ly, i% +odeled on the
ho+e% o, preInd7%tri&l Ie2ol7tion +iddle.l&%% Wel%h +iner%3 $&briDio)%
rel&tion%hip% 0ith hi% 0i,e &nd %on% &re .&pit&li%ti. &nd peergro7p oriented3
5he %e?7&l +ore% o, the help &re typi.&lly Oi.tori&nJe%pe.i&lly the girl
0ho r7n% the .&%h regi%ter3 Wor'ing .ondition% &l%o re,le.t (ngli%h ,&.tory
proble+%, &nd 0&iter% &re o,ten +&de to %er2e eight to ten ho7r% & d&y 0ith
n&p'in% th&t do not +eet .7rrent %&,ety %t&nd&rd%3
>o2e I&p'in
To the Edito%s:
In hi% re2ie0 o, $&briDio)% Oill& No2&, $&bi&n -lotni.' .&lled the pri.e%
9re&%on&ble39 B7t 0o7ld he .&ll (liot)% $o7r N7&rtet% 9re&%on&ble9C (liot)%
ret7rn to & +ore pri+iti2e %t&ge o, the Hogo% do.trine re,le.t% i++&nent
re&%on in the 0orld, b7t R8350 ,or .hi.'en tetr&DDiniE It doe%n)t +&'e %en%e,
e2en in & C&tholi. .onte?t3 I re,er :r3 -lotni.' to the &rti.le in Encounte%
@#/58A entitled 9(liot, Iein.&rn&tion, &nd M7pp& >i Cl&+%39
(ino Sh+eederer
To the Edito%s:
Wh&t :r3 -lotni.' ,&il% to t&'e into &..o7nt in di%.7%%ing :&rio Spinelli)%
,ett7..ine i%, o, .o7r%e, the %iDe o, the portion%, or, to p7t it +ore dire.tly,
the 87&ntity o, the noodle%3 5here &re ob2io7%ly &% +&ny oddn7+bered
noodle% &% &ll the odd&nd e2enn7+bered noodle% .o+bined3 @Cle&rly &
p&r&do?3A 5he logi. bre&'% do0n ling7i%ti.&lly, &nd .on%e87ently :r3
-lotni.' .&nnot 7%e the 0ord 9,ett7..ine9 0ith &ny &..7r&.y3 $ett7..ine
be.o+e% & %y+bolK th&t i% to %&y, let the ,ett7..ine S " 5hen a > "?. ,.
%t&nding ,or & .on%t&nt e87&l to h&l, o, &ny entrQA3 By thi% logi., one 0o7ld
h&2e to %&y* the ,ett7..ine is the ling7ineE 6o0 ridi.7lo7%3 5he %enten.e
.le&rly .&nnot be %t&ted &% 95he ,ett7..ine 0&% deli.io7%39 It +7%t be %t&ted
&% 95he ,ett7..ine &nd the ling7ine &re not the rig&toni39 A% =odel de.l&red
o2er &nd o2er, 9(2erything +7%t be tr&n%l&ted into logi.&l .&l.7l7% be,ore
being e&ten39
-ro,3 Word B&b.o.'e
:&%%&.h7%ett% In%tit7te o, 5e.hnology
To the Edito%s:
I h&2e re&d 0ith gre&t intere%t :r3 $&bi&n -lotni.')% re2ie0 o, $&briDio)%
Oill& No2&, &nd ,ind it to be yet ¬her %ho.'ing .onte+por&ry e?&+ple o,
re2i%ioni%t hi%tory3 6o0 87i.'ly 0e ,orget th&t d7ring the 0or%t er& o, the
St&lini%t p7rge% $&briDio)% not only 0&% open ,or b7%ine%% b7t enl&rged it%
b&.' roo+ to %e&t +ore .7%to+er%E No one there %&id &nything &bo7t So2iet
politi.&l repre%%ion3 In ,&.t, 0hen the Co++ittee to $ree So2iet >i%%ident%
petitioned $&briDio)% to le&2e the gno..hi o,, the +en7 7ntil the I7%%i&n%
,reed =regor 5o+%hin%'y, the 0ell'no0n 5rot%'yite %hortorder .oo', they
re,7%ed3 5o+%hin%'y by then h&d .o+piled ten tho7%&nd p&ge% o, re.ipe%, &ll
o, 0hi.h 0ere .on,i%.&ted by the N3L3O3>3
9Contrib7ting to the he&rtb7rn o, & +inor9 0&% the p&theti. e?.7%e the
So2iet .o7rt 7%ed to %end 5o+%hin%'y into ,or.ed l&bor3 Where 0ere &ll the
%o.&lled intelle.t7&l% &t $&briDio)% thenC 5he .o&t.he.' girl, 5in&, ne2er
+&de the %+&lle%t &tte+pt to r&i%e her 2oi.e 0hen .o&t.he.' girl% &ll o2er
the So2iet ;nion 0ere t&'en ,ro+ their ho+e% &nd ,or.ed to h&ng 7p
.lothing ,or St&lini%t hoodl7+%3 I +ight &dd th&t 0hen doDen% o, So2iet
phy%i.i%t% 0ere &..7%ed o, o2ere&ting &nd then <&iled, +&ny re%t&7r&nt%
.lo%ed in prote%t, b7t $&briDio)% 'ept 7p it% 7%7&l %er2i.e &nd e2en in%tit7ted
the poli.y o, gi2ing ,ree &,terdinner +int%E I +y%el, &te &t $&briDio)% in the
thirtie%, &nd %&0 th&t it 0&% & hotbed o, dyedinthe0ool St&lini%t% 0ho tried
to %er2e blin.hi'i to 7n%7%pe.ting %o7l% 0ho ordered p&%t&3 5o %&y th&t +o%t
.7%to+er% did not 'no0 0h&t 0&% going on in the 'it.hen i% &b%7rd3 When
%o+ebody ordered %.7ngilli &nd 0&% h&nded & blintD, it 0&% 87ite .le&r 0h&t
0&% h&ppening3 5he tr7th i%, the intelle.t7&l% %i+ply pre,erred not to %ee the
di,,eren.e3 I dined there on.e 0ith -ro,e%%or =ideon Cheop%, 0ho 0&%
%er2ed &n entire I7%%i&n +e&l, .on%i%ting o, bor%.ht, Chi.'en Lie2, &nd
h&l2&hJ7pon 0hi.h he %&id to +e, 9I%n)t thi% %p&ghetti 0onder,7lC9
-ro,3 N7in.y :ondr&gon Ne0 Gor' ;ni2er%ity
$&bi&n -lotni.' %e-lies:
:r3 Sh+eederer %ho0% he 'no0% nothing o, either re%t&7r&nt pri.e% or the
9$o7r N7&rtet%39 (liot hi+%el, ,elt R7350 ,or good .hi.'en tetr&DDini 0&% @I
87ote ,ro+ &n inter2ie0 in Pa%tisan Revie*/ 9not o7t o, line39 Indeed, in
95he >ry S&l2&ge%,9 (liot i+p7te% thi% 2ery notion to Lri%hn&, tho7gh not
pre.i%ely in tho%e 0ord%3
I)+ gr&te,7l to >o2e I&p'in ,or hi% .o++ent% on the n7.le&r ,&+ily, &nd
&l%o to -ro,e%%or B&b.o.'e ,or hi% penetr&ting ling7i%ti. &n&ly%i%, <ho7gh I
87e%tion hi% e87&tion &nd %7gge%t, r&ther, the ,ollo0ing +odel*
@&A %o+e p&%t& i% ling7ine
@bA &ll ling7ine i% not %p&ghetti
@.A no %p&ghetti i% p&%t&, hen.e &ll %p&ghetti i% ling7ine3
Wittgen%tein 7%ed the &bo2e +odel to pro2e the e?i%ten.e o, =od, &nd
l&ter Bertr&nd I7%%ell 7%ed it to pro2e th&t not only doe% =od e?i%t b7t 6e
,o7nd Wittgen%tein too %hort3
$in&lly, to -ro,e%%or :ondr&gon3 It i% tr7e th&t Spinelli 0or'ed in the
'it.hen o, $&briDio)% in the nineteenthirtie%Jperh&p% longer th&n he %ho7ld
h&2e3 Get it i% .ert&inly to hi% .redit th&t 0hen the in,&+o7% 6o7%e ;n
A+eri.&n A.ti2itie% Co++ittee pre%%7red hi+ to .h&nge the 0ording on hi%
+en7% ,ro+ 9-ro%.i7tto &nd +elon9 to the le%% politi.&lly %en%iti2e
9-ro%.i7tto &nd ,ig%,9 he too' the .&%e to the S7pre+e Co7rt &nd ,or.ed the
no0 ,&+o7% r7ling 9AppetiDer% &re entitled to ,7ll prote.tion 7nder the $ir%t
A+end+ent39
5h&t Connie Ch&%en ret7rned +y ,&t&l &ttr&.tion to0&rd her &t ,ir%t %ight
0&% & +ir&.le 7np&r&lleled in the hi%tory o, Centr&l -&r' We%t3 5&ll, blond,
high .hee'boned, &n &.tre%%, & %.hol&r, & .h&r+er, irre2o.&bly &lien&ted,
0ith & ho%tile &nd per.epti2e 0it only .h&llenged in it% po0er to &ttr&.t by
the le0d, h7+id eroti.i%+ her e2ery .7r2e %7gge%ted, %he 0&% the 7nri2&led
de%ider&t7+ o, e&.h yo7ng +&n &t the p&rty3 5h&t %he 0o7ld %ettle on +e,
6&rold Cohen, %.r&0ny, longno%ed, t0enty,o7rye&rold, b7dding dr&
+&ti%t &nd 0hiner, 0&% & non se<uitu% on & p&r 0ith o.t7plet%3 5r7e, I h&2e &
,&.ile 0&y 0ith & oneliner &nd %ee+ &ble to 'eep & .on2er%&tion going on &
0ide r&nge o, topi.%, &nd yet I 0&% t&'en by %7rpri%e th&t thi% %7perbly
%.&led &pp&rition .o7ld Dero in on +y +e&ger gi,t% %o r&pidly &nd
.o+pletely3
9Go7)re &dor&ble,9 %he told +e, &,ter &n ho7r)% energeti. e?.h&nge 0hile
0e le&ned &g&in%t & boo'.&%e, thro0ing b&.' O&lpoli.ell& &nd ,inger ,ood%3
9I hope yo7)re going to .&ll +e39
9C&ll yo7C I)d li'e to go ho+e 0ith yo7 right no039
9Well gre&t,9 %he %&id, %+iling .o87etti%hly3 95he tr7th i%, I didn)t re&lly
thin' I 0&% i+pre%%ing yo739
I &,,e.ted & .&%7&l &ir 0hile blood po7nded thro7gh +y &rterie% to
predi.t&ble de%tin&tion%3 I bl7%hed, &n old h&bit3
9I thin' yo7)re dyn&+ite,9 I %&id, .&7%ing her to glo0 e2en +ore
in.&nde%.ently3 A.t7&lly I 0&% 87ite 7nprep&red ,or %7.h i++edi&te
&..ept&n.e3 :y gr&pe,7eled .o.'ine%% 0&% &n &tte+pt to l&y gro7nd0or'
,or the ,7t7re, %o th&t 0hen I 0o7ld indeed %7gge%t the bo7doir, let)% %&y, one
di%.reet d&te l&ter, it 0o7ld not .o+e &% & tot&l %7rpri%e &nd 2iol&te %o+e
tr&gi.&lly e%t&bli%hed -l&toni. bond3 Get, .&7tio7%, g7iltridden, 0orrier
2i.ti+ th&t I &+, thi% night 0&% to be +ine3 Connie Ch&%en &nd I h&d t&'en
to e&.h other in & 0&y th&t 0o7ld not be denied &nd one brie, ho7r l&ter 0ere
thr&%hing b&lleti.&lly thro7gh the per.&le%, e?e.7ting 0ith tot&l e+otion&l
.o++it+ent the &b%7rd .horeogr&phy o, h7+&n p&%%ion3 5o +e, it 0&% the
+o%t eroti. &nd %&ti%,ying night o, %e? I h&d e2er h&d, &nd &% %he l&y in +y
&r+% &,ter0&rd, rel&?ed &nd ,7l,illed, I 0ondered e?&.tly ho0 $&te 0&%
going to e?tr&.t it% ine2it&ble d7e%3 Wo7ld I %oon go blindC Fr be.o+e &
p&r&plegi.C Wh&t hideo7% 2igori%h 0o7ld 6&rold Cohen be ,or.ed to pony
7p %o the .o%+o% +ight .ontin7e in it% h&r+onio7% ro7nd%C B7t thi% 0o7ld
&ll .o+e l&ter3
5he ,ollo0ing ,o7r 0ee'% b7r%t no b7bble%3 Connie &nd I e?plored one
¬her &nd delighted in e&.h ne0 di%.o2ery3 I ,o7nd her 87i.', e?.iting,
&nd re%pon%i2eK her i+&gin&tion 0&% ,ertile &nd her re,eren.e% er7dite &nd
2&ried3 She .o7ld di%.7%% No2&li% &nd 87ote ,ro+ the IigOed&3 5he 2er%e
o, e2ery %ong by Cole -orter, %he 'ne0 by he&rt3 In bed %he 0&% 7ninhibited
&nd e?peri+ent&l, & tr7e .hild o, the ,7t7re3 Fn the +in7% %ide one h&d to be
niggling to ,ind ,&7lt3 5r7e %he .o7ld be & t&d te+per&+ent&l3 She ine2it&bly
.h&nged her ,ood order in & re%t&7r&nt &nd &l0&y% long &,ter it 0&% de.ent to
do %o3 In2&ri&bly %he got &ngry 0hen I pointed o7t thi% 0&% not e?&.tly ,&ir
to 0&iter or .he,3 Al%o %he %0it.hed diet% e2ery other d&y, .o++itting 0ith
0hole he&rt to one &nd then di%reg&rding it in ,&2or o, %o+e ne0, ,&%hion
&ble theory on 0eight lo%%3 Not th&t %he 0&% re+otely o2er0eight3 N7ite the
oppo%ite3 6er %h&pe 0o7ld h&2e been the en2y o, & =ogue +odel, &nd yet &n
in,eriority .o+ple? ri2&ling $r&nD L&,'&)% led her to p&in,7l bo7t% o, %el,
.riti.i%+3 5o he&r her tell it, %he 0&% & d7+py little nonentity, 0ho h&d no
b7%ine%% trying to be &n &.tre%%, +7.h le%% &tte+pting Che'ho23 :y
&%%7r&n.e% 0ere +oder&tely en.o7r&ging &nd I 'ept the+ ,lo0ing, tho7gh I
,elt th&t i, her de%ir&bility 0&% not &pp&rent ,ro+ +y ob%e%%ion&l glee o2er
her br&in &nd body, no &+o7nt o, t&l' 0o7ld be .on2in.ing3
Along &bo7t the %i?th 0ee' o, & 0onder,7l ro+&n.e, her in%e.7rity
e+erged ,7ll blo0n one d&y3 6er p&rent% 0ere h&2ing & b&rbe.7e in Con
ne.ti.7t &nd I 0&% &t l&%t going to +eet her ,&+ily3
9>&d)% gre&t,9 %he %&id 0or%hip,7lly, 9&nd gre&tloo'ing3 And :o+)%
be&7ti,7l3 Are yo7r%C9
9I 0o7ldn)t %&y be&7ti,7l,9 I .on,e%%ed3 A.t7&lly, I h&d & r&ther d7n 2ie0
o, +y ,&+ily)% phy%i.&l &ppe&r&n.e, li'ening the rel&ti2e% on +y +other)%
%ide to %o+ething 7%7&lly .7lt7red in & petri di%h3 I 0&% 2ery h&rd on +y
,&+ily &nd 0e &ll .on%t&ntly te&%ed e&.h other &nd ,o7ght, b7t 0ere .lo%e3
Indeed, & .o+pli+ent h&d not p&%%ed thro7gh the lip% o, &ny +e+ber d7ring
+y li,eti+e &nd I %7%pe.t not %in.e =od +&de hi% .o2en&nt 0ith Abr&h&+3
9:y ,ol'% ne2er ,ight,9 %he %&id3 95hey drin', b7t they)re re&l polite3 And
>&nny)% ni.e39 6er brother3 9I +e&n he)% %tr&nge b7t %0eet3 6e 0rite%
+7%i.39
9I)+ loo'ing ,or0&rd to +eeting the+ &ll39
9I hope yo7 don)t ,&ll ,or +y 'id %i%ter, Hind%&y39
9Fh %7re39
9She)% t0o ye&r% yo7nger th&n +e &nd %o bright &nd %e?y3 (2eryone goe%
n7t% o2er her39
9So7nd% i+pre%%i2e,9 I %&id3 Connie %tro'ed +y ,&.e3
9I hope yo7 don)t li'e her better th&n +e,9 %he %&id in h&l,%erio7% tone%
th&t en&bled her to 2oi.e thi% ,e&r gr&.e,7lly3
9I 0o7ldn)t 0orry,9 I &%%7red her3
9NoC -ro+i%eC9
9Are yo7 t0o .o+petiti2eC9
9No3 We lo2e e&.h other3 B7t %he)% got &n &ngel)% ,&.e &nd & %e?y, ro7nd
body3 She t&'e% &,ter :o+3 And %he)% got thi% re&l high IN &nd gre&t %en%e
o, h7+or39
9Go7)re be&7ti,7l,9 I %&id &nd 'i%%ed her3 B7t I +7%t &d+it, ,or the re%t o,
th&t d&y, ,&nt&%ie% o, t0entyoneye&rold Hind%&y Ch&%en did not le&2e +y
+ind3 =ood Hord, I tho7ght, 0h&t i, %he i% thi% Wunde%&ind3 Wh&t i, %he i%
indeed &% irre%i%tible &% Connie p&int% herC :ight I not be %+ittenC We&'ling
th&t I &+, +ight not the %0eet body %.ent &nd tin'ling l&7gh o, & %t7nning
Conne.ti.7t WAS- n&+ed Hind%&yJHind%&y yetEJ not t7rn thi%
,&%.in&ted, tho7gh 7npledged, he&d ,ro+ Connie to0&rd ,re%h +i%.hie,C
A,ter &ll, I h&d only 'no0n Connie %i? 0ee'% &nd, 0hile h&2ing & 0onder,7l
ti+e 0ith the 0o+&n, 0&% not yet &.t7&lly in lo2e 0ith her beyond &ll
re&%on3 Still, Hind%&y 0o7ld h&2e to be pretty d&+n ,&b7lo7% to .&7%e &
ripple in the giddy te+pe%t o, .h7.'le% &nd l7%t th&t +&de the%e p&%t three
,ortnight% %7.h & %pree3
5h&t e2ening I +&de lo2e 0ith Connie, b7t 0hen I %lept it 0&% Hind%&y
0ho tre%p&%%ed +y dre&+%3 S0eet little Hind%&y, the &dor&ble -hi Bet&
L&pp& 0ith the ,&.e o, & +o2ie %t&r &nd the .h&r+ o, & prin.e%%3 I to%%ed &nd
t7rned &nd 0o'e in the +iddle o, the night 0ith & %tr&nge ,eeling o,
e?.ite+ent &nd ,oreboding3
In the +orning +y ,&nt&%ie% %7b%ided, &nd &,ter bre&',&%t Connie &nd I
%et o,, ,or Conne.ti.7t be&ring 0ine &nd ,lo0er%3 We dro2e thro7gh the ,&ll
.o7ntry%ide li%tening to Oi2&ldi on $: &nd e?.h&nging o7r ob%er2&tion% on
th&t d&y)% Art% &nd Hei%7re Se.tion3 5hen, +o+ent% be,ore 0e p&%%ed
thro7gh the ,ront g&te o, the Ch&%en%) Hy+e &.re&ge, I on.e &g&in 0ondered
i, I 0&% &bo7t to be %t7pe,ied by thi% ,or+id&ble 'id %i%ter3
9Will Hind%&y)% boy,riend be hereC9 I &%'ed in & probing, g7ilt%tr&ngled
,&l%etto3
95hey)re ,ini%hed,9 Connie e?pl&ined3 9Hind%&y r7n% thro7gh one &
+onth3 She)% & he&rtbre&'er39 6++, I tho7ght, in &ddition to &ll el%e, the
yo7ng 0o+&n i% &2&il&ble3 :ight %he re&lly be +ore e?.iting th&n ConnieC I
,o7nd it h&rd to belie2e, &nd yet I tried to prep&re +y%el, ,or &ny e2ent7&lity3
Any, o, .o7r%e, e?.ept the one th&t o..7rred th&t .ri%p, .le&r, S7nd&y
&,ternoon3
Connie &nd I <oined the b&rbe.7e, 0here there 0&% +7.h re2elry &nd
drin'ing3 I +et the ,&+ily, one by one, %.&ttered &% they 0ere &+id%t their
,&%hion&ble, &ttr&.ti2e .ohort% &nd tho7gh %i%ter Hind%&y 0&% indeed &ll
Connie h&d de%.ribedJ .o+ely, ,lirt&tio7%, &nd ,7n to t&l' toJI did not
pre,er her to Connie3 F, the t0o, I %till ,elt +7.h +ore t&'en 0ith the older
%i%ter th&n the t0entyoneye&rold O&%%&r gr&d3 No, the one I hopele%%ly lo%t
+y he&rt to th&t d&y 0&% none other th&n Connie)% ,&b7lo7% +other, (+ily3
(+ily Ch&%en, ,i,ty,i2e, b7?o+, t&nned, & r&2i%hing pioneer ,&.e 0ith
p7lledb&.' greying h&ir &nd ro7nd, %7..7lent .7r2e% th&t e?pre%%ed
the+%el2e% in ,l&0le%% &r.% li'e & Br&n.7%i3 Se?y (+ily, 0ho%e h7ge, 0hite
%+ile &nd .he%ty, big l&7gh .o+bined to .re&te &n irre%i%tible 0&r+th &nd
%ed7.ti2ene%%3
Wh&t protopl&%+ in thi% ,&+ily, I tho7ghtE Wh&t &0&rd0inning gene%E
Con%i%tent gene% too, &% (+ily Ch&%en %ee+ed to be &% &t e&%e 0ith +e &%
her d&7ghter 0&%3 Cle&rly %he en<oyed t&l'ing 0ith +e &% I +onopoliDed her
ti+e, +indle%% o, the de+&nd% o, the other &,ternoon g7e%t%3 We di%.7%%ed
photogr&phy @her hobbyA &nd boo'%3 She 0&% .7rrently re&ding, 0ith gre&t
delight, & boo' o, Bo%eph 6eller)%3 She ,o7nd it hil&rio7% &nd l&7ghing
,et.hingly &% %he ,illed +y gl&%% %&id, 9=od, yo7 Be0% &re tr7ly e?oti.39
(?oti.C She %ho7ld only 'no0 the =reenbl&tt%3 Fr :r &nd :r% :ilton
Sh&rp%tein, +y ,&ther)% ,riend%3 Fr ,or th&t +&tter, +y .o7%in 5o2&h3 (?oti.C
I +e&n, they)re ni.e b7t h&rdly e?oti. 0ith their endle%% bi.'ering o2er the
be%t 0&y to .o+b&t indige%tion or ho0 ,&r b&.' to %it ,ro+ the tele2i%ion %et3
(+ily &nd I t&l'ed ,or ho7r% o, +o2ie%, &nd 0e di%.7%%ed +y hope% ,or
the the&tre &nd her ne0 intere%t in +&'ing .oll&ge%3 Fb2io7%ly thi% 0o+&n
h&d +&ny .re&ti2e &nd intelle.t7&l de+&nd% th&t ,or one re&%on or ¬her
re+&ined pent 7p 0ithin her3 Get .le&rly %he 0&% not 7nh&ppy 0ith her li,e
&% %he &nd her h7%b&nd, Bohn Ch&%en, &n older 2er%ion o, the +&n yo7)d li'e
to h&2e piloting yo7r pl&ne, h7gged &nd dr&n' in lo2eydo2ey ,&%hion3
Indeed, in .o+p&ri%on to +y o0n ,ol'%, 0ho h&d been +&rried ine?pli.&bly
,or ,orty ye&r% @o7t o, %pite it %ee+edA, (+ily &nd Bohn %ee+ed li'e the
H7nt%3 :y ,ol'%, n&t7r&lly, .o7ld not di%.7%% e2en the 0e&ther 0itho7t &..7
%&tion% &nd re.ri+in&tion% <7%t %hort o, g7n,ire3
When it .&+e ti+e to go ho+e I 0&% 87ite %orry &nd le,t 0ith dre&+% o,
(+ily in .o+plete .o++&nd o, +y tho7ght%3
95hey)re %0eet, &ren)t theyC9 Connie &%'ed &% 0e %ped to0&rd
:&nh&tt&n3
9Oery,9 I .on.7rred3
9I%n)t >&d & 'no.'o7tC 6e)% re&lly ,7n39
9;++39 5he tr7th 0&% I h&d h&rdly e?.h&nged ten %enten.e% 0ith
Connie)% d&d3
9And :o+ loo'ed gre&t tod&y3 Better th&n in & long ti+e3 She)% been ill
0ith the ,l7, too39
9She)% 87ite %o+ething,9 I %&id3
96er photogr&phy &nd .oll&ge% &re 2ery good,9 Connie %&id3 9I 0i%h >&d
en.o7r&ged her +ore in%te&d o, being %o old,&%hioned3 6e)% <7%t not
,&%.in&ted by .re&ti2ity in the &rt%3 Ne2er 0&%39
95oo b&d,9 I %&id3 9I hope it h&%n)t been too ,r7%tr&ting ,or yo7r +other
o2er the ye&r%39
9It h&%,9 Connie %&id3 9And Hind%&yC Are yo7 in lo2e 0ith herC9
9She)% lo2elyJb7t not in yo7r .l&%%3 At le&%t &% ,&r &% I)+ .on.erned39
9I)+ relie2ed,9 Connie %&id l&7ghingly &nd pe.'ed +e on the .hee'3
Aby%+&l 2er+in th&t I &+, I .o7ldn)t, o, .o7r%e, tell her th&t it 0&% her
in.redible +other th&t I 0&nted to %ee &g&in3 Get e2en &% I dro2e, +y +ind
.li.'ed &nd blin'ed li'e & .o+p7ter in hope% o, .on.o.ting %o+e %.he+e to
,il.h +ore ti+e 0ith thi% o2erpo0ering &nd 0onder,7l 0o+&n3 I, yo7 h&d
&%'ed +e 0here I e?pe.ted it to le&d, I re&lly .o7ldn)t h&2e %&id3 I 'ne0 only
&% I dro2e thro7gh the .old, night, &7t7+n &ir th&t %o+e0here $re7d, Sopho
.le%, &nd (7gene F)Neill 0ere l&7ghing3
>7ring the ne?t %e2er&l +onth% I +&n&ged to %ee (+ily Ch&%en +&ny
ti+e%3 ;%7&lly it 0&% in &n inno.ent three%o+e 0ith Connie, both o, 7%
+eeting her in the .ity &nd t&'ing her to & +7%e7+ or .on.ert3 Fn.e or t0i.e
I did %o+ething 0ith (+ily &lone i, Connie 0&% b7%y3 5hi% delighted Connie
Jth&t her +other &nd lo2er %ho7ld be %7.h good ,riend%3 Fn.e or t0i.e I
.ontri2ed to be 0here (+ily 0&% 9by &..ident9 &nd 0o7nd 7p h&2ing &n
&pp&rently i+pro+pt7 0&l' or drin' 0ith her3 It 0&% ob2io7% %he en<oyed
+y .o+p&ny &% I li%tened %y+p&theti.&lly to her &rti%ti. &%pir&tion% &nd
l&7ghed eng&gingly &t her <o'e%3 5ogether 0e di%.7%%ed +7%i. &nd liter&t7re
&nd li,e, +y ob%er2&tion% .on%i%tently entert&ining her3 It 0&% &l%o ob2io7%
the ide& o, reg&rding +e &% &nything +ore th&n <7%t & ne0 ,riend 0&% not
re+otely on her +ind3 Fr i, it 0&%, %he .ert&inly ne2er let on3 Get 0h&t .o7ld
I e?pe.tC I 0&% li2ing 0ith her d&7ghter3 Coh&biting honor&bly in & .i2iliDed
%o.iety 0here .ert&in t&boo% &re ob%er2ed3 A,ter &ll, 0ho did I i+&gine thi%
0o+&n 0&% &nyho0C So+e &+or&l 2&+p o7t o, =er+&n ,il+% 0ho 0o7ld
%ed7.e her o0n .hild)% lo2erC In tr7th, I)+ %7re I 0o7ld h&2e lo%t &ll re%pe.t
,or her i, %he did .on,e%% ,eeling% ,or +e or beh&2e in &ny other 0&y th&n
7nto7.h&ble3 And yet I h&d & terrible .r7%h on her3 It &+o7nted to gen7ine
longing, &nd de%pite &ll logi. I pr&yed ,or %o+e tiny hint th&t her +&rri&ge
0&% not &% per,e.t &% it %ee+ed or th&t, re%i%t &% %he +ight, %he h&d gro0n
,&t&lly ,ond o, +e3 5here 0ere ti+e% th&t I ,lirted 0ith the notion o, +&'ing
%o+e tepidly &ggre%%i2e +o2e +y%el,, b7t b&nner he&dline% in the yello0
pre%% ,or+ed in +y +ind &nd I %hr&n' ,ro+ &ny &.tion3
I 0&nted %o b&dly, in +y &ng7i%h, to e?pl&in the%e .on,7%ed ,eeling% to
Connie in &n &bo2ebo&rd 0&y &nd enli%t her &id in +&'ing %en%e o7t o, the
p&in,7l t&ngle, b7t I ,elt to do %o in2ited .ert&in .&rn&ge3 In ,&.t, in%te&d o,
thi% +&nly hone%ty, I no%ed &ro7nd li'e & ,erret ,or bit% &nd .l7e% reg&rding
(+ily)% ,eeling% to0&rd +e3
9I too' yo7r +other to the :&ti%%e e?hibit,9 I %&id to Connie one d&y3
9I 'no0,9 %he %&id3 9She h&d & gre&t ti+e39
9She)% & l7.'y 0o+&n3 See+% to be h&ppy3 $ine +&rri&ge39
9Ge%39 -&7%e3
9So, erJdid %he %&y &nything to yo7C9
9She %&id yo7 t0o h&d & 0onder,7l t&l' &,ter0&rd%3 Abo7t her
photogr&phy39
9Iight39 -&7%e3 9Anything el%eC Abo7t +eC I +e&n, I ,elt +&ybe I get
o2erbe&ring39
9Fh =od, no3 She &dore% yo739
9Ge%C9
9With >&nny %pending +ore &nd +ore ti+e 0ith >&d, %he thin'% o, yo7
'ind o, li'e & %on39
96er %onEC9 I %&id, %h&ttered3
9I thin' %he 0o7ld h&2e li'ed & %on 0ho i% &% intere%ted in her 0or' &%
yo7 &re3 A gen7ine .o+p&nion3 :ore intelle.t7&lly in.lined th&n >&nny3
Sen%iti2e to her &rti%ti. need% & little3 I thin' yo7 ,7l,ill th&t role ,or her39
5h&t night I 0&% in & ,o7l +ood &nd, &% I %&t ho+e 0ith Connie 0&t.hing
tele2i%ion, +y body &g&in &.hed to be pre%%ed in p&%%ion&te tenderne%%
&g&in%t thi% 0o+&n 0ho &pp&rently tho7ght o, +e &% nothing +ore
d&ngero7% th&n her boy3 Fr did %heC W&% thi% not <7%t & .&%7&l %7r+i%e o,
Connie)%C :ight (+ily not be thrilled to ,ind o7t th&t & +&n, +7.h yo7nger
th&n her%el,, ,o7nd her be&7ti,7l &nd %e?y &nd ,&%.in&ting &nd longed to h&2e
&n &,,&ir 0ith her 87ite 7nli'e &nything re+otely ,ili&lC W&%n)t it po%%ible &
0o+&n o, th&t &ge, p&rti.7l&rly one 0ho%e h7%b&nd 0&% not o2erly
re%pon%i2e to her deepe%t ,eeling%, 0o7ld 0el.o+e the &ttention o, &
p&%%ion&te &d+irerC And +ight I not, +ired in +y o0n +iddle.l&%%
b&.'gro7nd, be +&'ing too +7.h o, the ,&.t th&t I 0&% li2ing 0ith her
d&7ghterC A,ter &ll, %tr&nger thing% h&ppen3 Cert&inly &+ong%t te+per&+ent%
gi,ted 0ith pro,o7nder &rti%ti. inten%ity3 I h&d to re%ol2e +&tter% &nd ,in&lly
p7t &n end to the%e ,eeling% 0hi.h h&d &%%7+ed the proportion% o, & +&d
ob%e%%ion3 5he %it7&tion 0&% t&'ing too he&2y & toll on +e, &nd it 0&% ti+e I
either &.ted on it or p7t it o7t o, +y +ind3 I de.ided to &.t3
-&%t %7..e%%,7l .&+p&ign% %7gge%ted in%t&ntly the proper ro7te to t&'e3 I
0o7ld %teer her to 5r&der Oi.)%, th&t di+ly lit, ,oolproo, -olyne%i&n den o,
delight% 0here d&r', pro+i%ing .orner% &bo7nded &nd de.epti2ely +ild r7+
drin'% 87i.'ly 7n.h&ined the ,iery libido ,ro+ it% d7ngeon3 A p&ir o, :&i
5&i)% &nd it 0o7ld be &nybody)% b&ll g&+e3 A h&nd on the 'nee3 A %7dden
7ninhibited 'i%%3 $inger% intert0ined3 5he +ir&.7lo7% booDe 0o7ld 0or' it%
depend&ble +&gi.3 It h&d ne2er ,&iled +e in the p&%t3 (2en 0hen the 7n
%7%pe.ting 2i.ti+ p7lled b&.' 0ith eyebro0% &r.hed, one .o7ld b&.' o7t
gr&.e,7lly by i+p7ting &ll to the e,,e.t% o, the i%l&nd bre03
9$orgi2e +e,9 I .o7ld &libi, 9I)+ <7%t %o Don'ed by thi% drin'3 I don)t
'no0 0h&t I)+ doing39
Ge%, the ti+e ,or polite .hit.h&t 0&% o2er, I tho7ght3 I &+ in lo2e 0ith
t0o 0o+en, & not terribly 7n.o++on proble+3 5h&t they h&ppen to be
+other &nd .hildC All the +ore .h&llengingE I 0&% be.o+ing hy%teri.&l3 Get
dr7n' 0ith .on,iden.e &% I 0&% &t th&t point, I +7%t &d+it th&t thing% did not
,in&lly .o+e o,, 87ite &% pl&nned3 5r7e, 0e did +&'e it to 5r&der Oi.)% one
.old $ebr7&ry &,ternoon3 We did &l%o loo' in e&.h other)% eye% &nd 0&?ed
poeti. &bo7t li,e 0hile 'no.'ing b&.' t&ll, ,o&+y, 0hite be2er&ge% th&t held
+in7%.7le 0ooden p&r&%ol% l&n.ed into ,lo&ting pine&pple %87&re%Jb7t
there it ended3 And it did %o be.&7%e, de%pite the 7nblo.'ing o, +y b&%er
7rge%, I ,elt th&t it 0o7ld .o+pletely de%troy Connie3 In the end it 0&% +y
o0n g7ilty .on%.ien.eJor, +ore &..7r&tely, +y ret7rn to %&nityJth&t
pre2ented +e ,ro+ pl&.ing the predi.t&ble h&nd on (+ily Ch&%en)% leg &nd
p7r%7ing +y d&r' de%ire%3 5h&t %7dden re&liD&tion th&t I 0&% only & +&d
,&nt&%iDer 0ho, in ,&.t, lo2ed Connie &nd +7%t ne2er ri%' h7rting her in &ny
0&y did +e in3 Ge%, 6&rold Cohen 0&% & +ore .on2ention&l type th&n he
0o7ld h&2e 7% belie2e3 And +ore in lo2e 0ith hi% girl ,riend th&n he .&red to
&d+it3 5hi% .r7%h on (+ily Ch&%en 0o7ld h&2e to be ,iled &nd ,orgotten3
-&in,7l &% it +ight be to .ontrol +y i+p7l%e% to0&rd Connie)% +o+, r&
tion&lity &nd de.ent .on%ider&tion 0o7ld pre2&il3
A,ter & 0onder,7l &,ternoon, the .ro0ning +o+ent o, 0hi.h 0o7ld h&2e
been the ,ero.io7% 'i%%ing o, (+ily)% l&rge, in2iting lip%, I got the .he.' &nd
.&lled it & d&y3 We e?ited l&7ghingly into the lightly blo0ing %no0 &nd, &,ter
0&l'ing her to her .&r, I 0&t.hed her t&'e o,, ,or Hy+e 0hile I ret7rned
ho+e to her d&7ghter 0ith & ne0, deeper ,eeling o, 0&r+th ,or thi% 0o+&n
0ho nightly %h&red +y bed3 Hi,e i% tr7ly .h&o%, I tho7ght3 $eeling% &re %o
7npredi.t&ble3 6o0 doe% &nyone e2er %t&y +&rried ,or ,orty ye&r%C 5hi%, it
%ee+%, i% +ore o, & +ir&.le th&n the p&rting o, the Ied Se&, tho7gh +y
,&ther, in hi% n&i2ete, hold% the l&tter to be & gre&ter &.hie2e+ent3 I 'i%%ed
Connie &nd .on,e%%ed the depth o, +y &,,e.tion3 She re.ipro.&ted3 We +&de
lo2e3
>i%%ol2e, &% they %&y in the +o2ie%, to & ,e0 +onth% l&ter3 Connie .&n no
longer h&2e inter.o7r%e 0ith +e3 And 0hyC I bro7ght it on +y%el, li'e the
tr&gi. prot&goni%t o, & =ree' pl&y3 F7r %e? beg&n ,&lling o,, in%idio7%ly
0ee'% &go3
9Wh&t)% 0rongC9 I)d &%'3 96&2e I done %o+ethingC9
9=od no, it)% not yo7r ,&7lt3 Fh hell39
9Wh&tC 5ell +e39
9I)+ <7%t not 7p to it,9 %he)d %&y3 9:7%t 0e eve%y nightC9 5he e2ery night
%he re,erred to 0&% in &.t7&lity only & ,e0 night% & 0ee' &nd %oon le%% th&n
th&t3
9I .&n)t,9 %he)d %&y g7iltily 0hen I)d &tte+pt to in%tig&te %e?3 9Go7 'no0
I)+ going thro7gh & b&d t7ne39
9Wh&t b&d ti+eC9 I &%'ed in.red7lo7%ly3 9Are yo7 %eeing %o+eone
el%eC9
9F, .o7r%e not39
9>o yo7 lo2e +eC9
9Ge%3 I 0i%h I didn)t9
9So 0h&tC Why the t7rno,,C And it)% not getting better, it)% getting
0or%e39
9I .&n)t do it 0ith yo7,9 %he .on,e%%ed one night3 9Go7 re+ind +e o, +y
brother39
9Wh&tC9
9Go7 re+ind +e o, >&nny3 >on)t &%' +e 0hy,9
9Go7r brotherC Go7 +7%t be <o'ingE9
9No39
9B7t he)% & t0entythreeye&rold, blond WAS- 0ho 0or'% in yo7r
,&ther)% l&0 pr&.ti.e, &nd I re+ind yo7 o, hi+C9
9It)% li'e going to bed 0ith +y brother,9 %he 0ept3
9F3L3, F3L3, don)t .ry3 We)ll be &ll right3 I h&2e to t&'e %o+e &%pirin &nd
lie do0n3 I don)t ,eel 0ell39 I pre%%ed +y throbbing te+ple% &nd pretended to
be be0ildered, b7t it 0&%, o, .o7r%e, ob2io7% th&t +y %trong rel&tion%hip
0ith her +other h&d in %o+e 0&y .&%t +e in & ,r&tern&l role &% ,&r &% Connie
0&% .on.erned3 $&te 0&% getting e2en3 I 0&% to be tort7red li'e 5&nt&l7%,
in.he% ,ro+ the %2elte, t&nned body o, Connie Ch&%en, yet 7n&ble to l&y &
h&nd on her 0itho7t, &t le&%t ,or the ti+e being, eli.iting the .l&%%i.&l
e?pleti2e, 9G7.'39 In the irr&tion&l &%%igning o, p&rt% th&t o..7r% in &ll o, o7r
e+otion&l dr&+&%, I h&d %7ddenly be.o+e & %ibling3
O&rio7% %t&ge% o, &ng7i%h +&r'ed the ne?t +onth%3 $ir%t the p&in o,
being re<e.ted in bed3 Ne?t, telling o7r%el2e% the .ondition 0&% te+por&ry3
5hi% 0&% &..o+p&nied by &n &tte+pt by +e to be 7nder%t&nding, to be
p&tient3 I re.&lled not being &ble to per,or+ 0ith & %e?y d&te in .ollege on.e
pre.i%ely be.&7%e %o+e 2&g7e t0i%t o, her he&d re+inded +e o, +y A7nt
Ii,'&3 5hi% girl 0&% ,&r prettier th&n the %87irrel,&.ed &7nt o, +y boyhood,
b7t the notion o, +&'ing lo2e 0ith +y +other)% %i%ter 0re.'ed the +o+ent
irrep&r&bly3 I 'ne0 0h&t Connie 0&% going thro7gh, &nd yet %e?7&l
,r7%tr&tion +o7nted &nd .o+po7nded it%el,3 A,ter & ti+e, +y %el,.ontrol
%o7ght e?pre%%ion in %&r.&%ti. re+&r'% &nd l&ter in &n 7rge to b7rn do0n the
ho7%e3 Still, I 'ept trying not to be r&%h, trying to ride o7t the %tor+ o,
7nre&%on &nd pre%er2e 0h&t in &ll other 0&y% 0&% & good rel&tion%hip 0ith
Connie3 :y %7gge%tion ,or her to %ee & p%y.ho&n&ly%t ,ell on de&, e&r%, &%
nothing 0&% +ore &lien to her Conne.ti.7t 7pbringing th&n the Be0i%h
%.ien.e ,ro+ Oienn&3
9Sleep 0ith other 0o+en3 Wh&t el%e .&n I %&yC9 %he o,,ered3
9I don)t 0&nt to %leep 0ith other 0o+en3 I lo2e yo739
9And I lo2e yo73 Go7 'no0 th&t3 B7t I .&n)t go to bed 0ith yo739 Indeed
I 0&% not the type 0ho %lept &ro7nd, ,or de%pite +y ,&nt&%y epi%ode 0ith
Connie)% +other, I h&d ne2er .he&ted on Connie3 5r7e, I h&d e?perien.ed
nor+&l d&ydre&+% o2er r&ndo+ ,e+&le%Jthi% &.tre%%, th&t %te0&rde%%, %o+e
0ideeyed .ollege girlJyet ne2er 0o7ld I h&2e been 7n,&ith,7l to0&rd +y
lo2er3 And not be.&7%e I .o7ldn)t h&2e3 Cert&in 0o+en I h&d .o+e in
.ont&.t 0ith h&d been 87ite &ggre%%i2e, e2en pred&tory, b7t +y loy<y h&d
re+&ined 0ith ConnieK do7bly %o, d7ring thi% trying ti+e o, her i+poten.e3
It o..7rred to +e, o, .o7r%e, to hit on (+ily &g&in, 0ho+ I %till %&0 0ith
&nd 0itho7t Connie in inno.ent, .o+p&nion&ble ,&%hion, b7t I ,elt th&t to
%to'e 7p e+ber% I h&d l&bored %o %7..e%%,7lly to d&+pen 0o7ld only le&d to
e2erybody)% +i%ery3
5hi% i% not to %&y th&t Connie 0&% ,&ith,7l3 No, the %&d tr7th 0&%, on &t
le&%t %e2er&l o..&%ion%, %he h&d %7..7+bed to &lien 0ile%, bedding %7rrepti
tio7%ly 0ith &.tor% &nd &7thor% &li'e3
9Wh&t do yo7 0&nt +e to %&yC9 %he 0ept one three A3:3 0hen I h&d
.&7ght her in & t&ngle o, .ontr&di.ting &libi%3 9I only do it to &%%7re +y%el,
I)+ not %o+e %ort o, & ,re&'3 5h&t I %till &+ &ble to h&2e %e?39
9Go7 .&n h&2e %e? 0ith &nyone b7t +e,9 I %&id, ,7rio7% 0ith ,eeling% o,
in<7%ti.e3
9Ge%3 Go7 re+ind +e o, +y brother39
9I don)t 0&nt to he&r th&t non%en%e39
9I told yo7 to %leep 0ith other 0o+en39
9I)2e tried not to, b7t it loo'% &% i, I)+ going to h&2e to39
9-le&%e3 >o it3 It)% & .7r%e,9 %he %obbed3 It 0&% tr7ly & .7r%e3 $or 0hen
t0o people lo2e e&.h other &nd &re ,or.ed to %ep&r&te be.&7%e o, &n &l+o%t
.o+i.&l &berr&tion, 0h&t el%e .o7ld it beC 5h&t I bro7ght it on +y%el, by
de2eloping & .lo%e rel&tion%hip 0ith her +other 0&% 7ndeni&ble3 -erh&p% it
0&% +y .o+e7pp&n.e ,or thin'ing I .o7ld enti.e &nd bed (+ily Ch&%en,
h&2ing &lre&dy +&de 0hoopee 0ith her o,,%pring3
5he %in o, h7bri%, +&ybe3 :e, 6&rold Cohen, g7ilty o, h7bri%3 A +&n
0ho h&% ne2er tho7ght o, hi+%el, in &n order higher th&n rodent, n&iled ,or
h7bri%C 5oo h&rd to %0&llo03 And yet 0e did %ep&r&te3 -&in,7lly, 0e
re+&ined ,riend% &nd 0ent o7r indi2id7&l 0&y%3 5r7e, only ten .ity blo.'%
l&y bet0een o7r re%iden.e% &nd 0e %po'e e2ery other d&y, b7t the
rel&tion%hip 0&% o2er3 It 0&% then, &nd only then, th&t I beg&n to re&liDe ho0
+7.h I h&d re&lly &dored Connie3 Ine2it&bly bo7t% o, +el&n.holy &nd
&n?iety &..ent7&ted +y -ro7%ti&n h&De o, p&in3 I re.&lled &ll o7r ,ine
+o+ent% together, o7r e?.eption&l lo2e+&'ing, &nd in the %olit7de o, +y
l&rge &p&rt+ent, I 0ept3 I &tte+pted to go o7t on d&te%, b7t &g&in, ine2it&bly,
e2erything %ee+ed ,l&t3 All the little gro7pie% &nd %e.ret&rie% th&t p&r&ded
thro7gh the bedroo+ le,t +e e+ptyK e2en 0or%e th&n &n e2ening &lone 0ith
& good boo'3 5he 0orld %ee+ed tr7ly %t&le &nd 7npro,it&bleK 87ite & dre&ry,
&0,7l pl&.e, 7ntil one d&y I got the %t7nning ne0% th&t Connie)% +other h&d
le,t her h7%b&nd &nd they 0ere getting & di2or.e3 I+&gine th&t, I tho7ght, &%
+y he&rt be&t ,&%ter th&n nor+&l %peed ,or the ,ir%t ti+e in &ge%3 :y p&rent%
,ight li'e the :ont&g7e% &nd C&p7let% &nd %t&y together their 0hole li2e%3
Connie)% ,ol'% %ip +&rtini% &nd h7g 0ith tr7e .i2ility &nd, bingo, they)re
di2or.ing3
:y .o7r%e o, &.tion 0&% no0 ob2io7%3 5r&der Oi.)%3 No0 there .o7ld be
no .rippling ob%t&.le% in o7r p&th3 5ho7gh it 0o7ld be %o+e0h&t &0'0&rd
&% I h&d been Connie)% lo2er, it held none o, the o2er0hel+ing di,,i.7ltie% o,
the p&%t3 We 0ere no0 t0o ,ree &gent%3 :y dor+&nt ,eeling% ,or (+ily
Ch&%en, &l0&y% %+oldering, ignited on.e &g&in3 -erh&p% & .r7el t0i%t o, ,&te
r7ined +y rel&tion%hip 0ith Connie, b7t nothing 0o7ld %t&nd in the 0&y o,
+y .on87ering her +other3
Iiding the .re%t o, the l&rge e.ono+y%iDe h7bri%, I phoned (+ily &nd
+&de & d&te3 5hree d&y% l&ter 0e %&t h7ddled in the d&r' o, +y ,&2orite
-olyne%i&n re%t&7r&nt, &nd loo%e ,ro+ three B&hi&)%, %he po7red o7t her he&rt
&bo7t the de+i%e o, her +&rri&ge3 When %he got to the p&rt &bo7t loo'ing ,or
& ne0 li,e 0ith le%% re%tr&int &nd +ore .re&ti2e po%%ibilitie%, I 'i%%ed her3
Ge%, %he 0&% t&'en &b&.' b7t %he did not %.re&+3 She &.ted %7rpri%ed, b7t I
.on,e%%ed +y ,eeling% to0&rd her &nd 'i%%ed her &g&in3 She %ee+ed .on
,7%ed b7t did not bolt ,ro+ the t&ble, o7tr&ged3 By the third 'i%% I 'ne0 %he
0o7ld %7..7+b3 She %h&red +y ,eeling%3 I too' her to +y &p&rt+ent &nd 0e
+&de lo2e3 5he ,ollo0ing +orning, 0hen the e,,e.t% o, the r7+ h&d 0orn
o,,, %he %till loo'ed +&gni,i.ent to +e &nd 0e +&de lo2e &g&in3
9I 0&nt yo7 to +&rry +e,9 I %&id, +y eye% gl&Ded o2er 0ith &dor&tion3
9Not re&lly,9 %he %&id3
9Ge%,9 I %&id3 9I)ll %ettle ,or nothing le%%39 We 'i%%ed &nd h&d bre&',&%t,
l&7ghing &nd +&'ing pl&n%3 5h&t d&y I bro'e the ne0% to Connie, br&.ed ,or
& blo0 th&t ne2er .&+e3 I h&d &nti.ip&ted &ny n7+ber o, re&.tion% r&nging
,ro+ deri%i2e l&7ghter to o7tright ,7ry, b7t the tr7th 0&% Connie too' it in
.h&r+ing %tride3 She her%el, 0&% le&ding &n &.ti2e %o.i&l li,e, going o7t 0ith
%e2er&l &ttr&.ti2e +en, &nd h&d e?perien.ed gre&t .on.ern o2er her +other)%
,7t7re 0hen the 0o+&n h&d gotten di2or.ed3 S7ddenly & yo7ng 'night h&d
e+erged to .&re ,or the lo2ely l&dy3 A 'night 0ho %till h&d & ,ine, ,riendly
rel&tion%hip 0ith Connie3 It 0&% & %tro'e o, good ,ort7ne &ll &ro7nd3
Connie)% g7ilt o2er p7tting +e thro7gh hell 0o7ld be re+o2ed3 (+ily 0o7ld
be h&ppy3 I 0o7ld be h&ppy3 Ge%, Connie too' it &ll in .&%7&l, goodh7+ored
%tride, n&t7r&l to her 7pbringing3
:y p&rent%, on the other h&nd, pro.eeded dire.tly to the 0indo0 o, their
tenth%tory &p&rt+ent &nd .o+peted ,or le&ping %p&.e3
9I ne2er he&rd o, %7.h & thing,9 +y +other 0&iled, rending her robe &nd
gn&%hing her teeth3
96e)% .r&Dy3 Go7 idiot3 Go7)re .r&Dy,9 +y ,&ther %&id, loo'ing p&le &nd
%tri.'en3
9A ,i,ty,i2eye&rold shi&sa@30 +y A7nt Io%e %hrie'ed, li,ting the letter
opener &nd bringing it to her eye%3
9I lo2e her,9 I prote%ted3
9She)% +ore th&n t0i.e yo7r &ge,9 ;n.le Ho7ie yelled3
9SoC9
9So it)% not done,9 +y ,&ther yelled, in2o'ing the 5or&h3
96i% girl ,riend)% +other he)% +&rryingC9 A7nt 5illie yelped &% %he %lid to
the ,loor 7n.on%.io7%3
9$i,ty,i2e &nd & shi&sa,0 +y +other %.re&+ed, %e&r.hing no0 ,or &
.y&nide .&p%7le %he h&d re%er2ed ,or <7%t %7.h o..&%ion%3
9Wh&t &re they, :oonie%C9 ;n.le Ho7ie &%'ed3 9>o they h&2e hi+
hypnotiDedEC9
9IdiotE I+be.ile,9 >&d %.re&+ed3 A7nt 5illie reg&ined .on%.io7%ne%%,
,o.7%ed on +e, re+e+bered 0here %he 0&%, &nd p&%%ed o7t &g&in3 In the ,&r
.orner, A7nt Io%e 0&% do0n on her 'nee% intoning Sh)+& Gi%roel3
9=od 0ill p7ni%h yo7, 6&rold,9 +y ,&ther yelled3 9=od 0ill .le&2e yo7r
tong7e to the roo, o, yo7r +o7th &nd &ll yo7r .&ttle &nd 'ine %h&ll die &nd &
tenth o, &ll thy .rop% %h&ll 0ither &nd3339
B7t I +&rried (+ily &nd there 0ere no %7i.ide%3 (+ily)% three .hildren
&ttended &nd & doDen or %o ,riend%3 It 0&% held in Connie)% &p&rt+ent &nd
.h&+p&gne ,lo0ed3 :y ,ol'% .o7ld not +&'e it, & pre2io7% .o++it+ent to
%&.ri,i.e & l&+b t&'ing pre.eden.e3 We &ll d&n.ed &nd <o'ed &nd the e2ening
0ent 0ell3 At one point, I ,o7nd +y%el, in the bedroo+ 0ith Connie &lone3
We 'idded &nd re+ini%.ed &bo7t o7r rel&tion%hip, it% 7p% &nd do0n%, &nd
ho0 %e?7&lly &ttr&.ted I h&d been to her3
9It 0&% ,l&ttering,9 %he %&id 0&r+ly3
9Well, I .o7ldn)t %0ing it 0ith the d&7ghter, %o I .&rried o,, the +other39
5he ne?t thing I 'ne0, Connie)% tong7e 0&% in +y +o7th3 9Wh&t the hell &re
yo7 doingC9 I %&id, p7lling b&.'3 9Are yo7 dr7n'C9
9Go7 t7rn +e on li'e yo7 .&n)t belie2e,9 %he %&id, dr&gging +e do0n on
the bed3
9Wh&t)% gotten into yo7C Are yo7 & ny+pho+&ni&.C9 I %&id, ri%ing, yet
7ndeni&bly e?.ited by her %7dden &ggre%%i2ene%%3
9I h&2e to %leep 0ith yo73 I, not no0, then %oon,9 %he %&id3
9:eC 6&rold CohenC 5he g7y 0ho li2ed 0ith yo7C And lo2ed yo7C
Who .o7ldn)t get ne&r yo7 0ith & ten,oot pole be.&7%e I be.&+e & 2er%ion
o, >&nnyC :e yo7)re hot ,orC Go7r brother %y+bolC9
9It)% & 0hole ne0 b&ll g&+e,9 %he %&id, pre%%ing .lo%e to +e3 9:&rrying
:o+ h&% +&de yo7 +y ,&ther39 She 'i%%ed +e &g&in &nd <7%t be,ore re
t7rning to the ,e%ti2itie% %&id, 9>on)t 0orry, >&d, there)ll be plenty o,
opport7nitie%39
I %&t on the bed &nd %t&red o7t the 0indo0 into in,inite %p&.e3 I tho7ght
o, +y p&rent% &nd 0ondered i, I %ho7ld &b&ndon the the&tre &nd ret7rn to
r&bbini.&l %.hool3 5hro7gh the h&l,open door I %&0 Connie &nd &l%o (+ily,
both l&7ghing &nd .h&tting 0ith g7e%t%, &nd &ll I .o7ld +7tter to +y%el, &% I
re+&ined & li+p, h7n.hed ,ig7re 0&% &n &geold line o, +y gr&nd,&ther)%
0hi.h goe% 9Fy 2ey39
Con)essions
o) a B#rglar
,)ollo*ing a%e e"ce%-ts f%om the soon to .e -u.lished memoi%s of =i%gil
$ves, *ho is cu%%ently se%ving the fi%st of fou% consecutive ninety!nine!yea%
sentences fo% va%ious felonies (% $ves -lans on *o%&ing *ith child%en
*hen he gets out/
S;I( I S5FH(3 Why notC Where I gre0 7p, yo7 h&d to %te&l to e&t3 5hen yo7
h&d to %te&l to tip3 Hot% o, g7y% %tole ,i,teen per .ent, b7t I &l0&y% %tole
t0enty, 0hi.h +&de +e & big ,&2orite &+ong the 0&iter%3 Fn the 0&y ho+e
,ro+ & hei%t, I)d %te&l %o+e p&<&+&% to %leep in3 Fr i, it 0&% & hot night, I)d
%te&l 7nder0e&r3 It 0&% & 0&y o, li,e3 I h&d & b&d 7pbringing, yo7 +ight %&y3
:y d&d 0&% &l0&y% on the r7n ,ro+ the .op% &nd I ne2er %&0 hi+ o7t o,
di%g7i%e till I 0&% t0entyt0o3 $or ye&r%, I tho7ght he 0&% & %hort, be&rded
+&n 0ith d&r' gl&%%e% &nd & li+pK &.t7&lly, he 0&% t&ll &nd blond &nd
re%e+bled Hindbergh3 6e 0&% & pro,e%%ion&l b&n' robber, b7t %i?ty,i2e 0&%
the +&nd&tory retire+ent &ge, %o he h&d to get o7t3 Spent hi% l&%t ,e0 ye&r%
in +&il ,r&7d, b7t the po%t&l r&te% 0ent 7p &nd he lo%t e2erything3
:o+ 0&% 0&nted, too3 F, .o7r%e in tho%e d&y% it 0&%n)t the 0&y it i%
no0, 0ith 0o+en de+&nding e87&l right%, &nd &ll3 B&.' then, i, & 0o+&n
t7rned to .ri+e the only opport7nitie% open to her 0ere bl&.'+&il &nd, on.e
in & 0hile, &r%on3 Wo+en 0ere 7%ed in Chi.&go to dri2e get&0&y .&r%, b7t
only d7ring the dri2er%) %tri'e, in 19#63 5errible %tri'e3 It l&%ted eight 0ee'%,
&nd 0hene2er & g&ng p7lled & <ob &nd r&n o7t 0ith the +oney they 0ere
,or.ed to 0&l' or t&'e & .&b3
I h&d & %i%ter &nd t0o brother%3 Benny +&rried +oney3 Not &n &.t7&l
h7+&n beingJit 0&% & pile o, %ingle%3 :y brother Oi. got in 0ith & g&ng o,
pl&gi&ri%t%3 6e 0&% in the +iddle o, %igning hi% n&+e to 95he W&%te H&nd9
0hen the ,ed% %7rro7nded the ho7%e3 6e got ten ye&r%3 So+e ri.h 'id ,ro+ &
high,&l7tin ,&+ily 0ho %igned -o7nd)% 9C&nto%9 got o,, on prob&tion3 5h&t)%
the l&0 ,or yo73 Ch&rlieJth&t)% +y yo7nge%t brotherJhe)% been & n7+ber%
r7nner, & ,en.e, &nd & lo&n %h&r'3 Ne2er .o7ld ,ind hi+%el,3 (2ent7&lly he
0&% &rre%ted ,or loitering3 6e loitered ,or %e2en ye&r%, till he re&liDed it 0&%
not the 'ind o, .ri+e th&t bro7ght in &ny +oney3
5he ,ir%t thing I e2er %tole 0&% & lo&, o, bre&d3 I 0&% 0or'ing ,or Ii,'in)%
B&'ery, 0here +y <ob 0&% to re+o2e the <elly ,ro+ do7ghn7t% th&t h&d gone
%t&le &nd tr&n%,er it to ,re%h good%3 It 0&% 2ery e?&.ting 0or', done 0ith &
r7bber t7be &nd & %.&lpel3 I, yo7r h&nd% %hoo', the <elly 0ent on the ,loor
&nd old +&n Ii,'in 0o7ld p7ll yo7r h&ir3 Arnold Ioth%tein, 0ho 0e &ll
loo'ed 7p to, .&+e in one d&y &nd %&id he 0&nted to get hi% h&nd% on & lo&,
o, bre&d b7t he &b%ol7tely re,7%ed to p&y ,or it3 6e hinted th&t thi% 0&% &
.h&n.e ,or %o+e %+&rt 'id to get into the r&.'et%3 I too' th&t &% & .7e, &nd
e&.h d&y 0hen I le,t I p7t one %li.e o, rye 7nder +y .o&t, 7ntil &,ter three
0ee'% I h&d &..7+7l&ted & 0hole lo&,3 Fn the 0&y to Ioth%tein)% o,,i.e, I
beg&n to ,eel re+or%e, be.&7%e e2en tho7gh I h&ted Ii,'in hi% 0i,e h&d on.e
let +e t&'e ho+e t0o %eed% ,ro+ & roll 0hen +y 7n.le 0&% dying3 I tried to
ret7rn the bre&d, b7t I got .&7ght 0hile I 0&% trying to ,ig7re o7t 0hi.h lo&,
e&.h %li.e belonged to3 5he ne?t thing I 'ne0, I 0&% in (l+ir& Ie,or+&tory3
(l+ir& 0&% & to7gh <oint3 I e%.&ped ,i2e ti+e%3 Fn.e I tried to %ne&' o7t
in the b&.' o, & l&7ndry tr7.'3 5he g7&rd% got %7%pi.io7%, &nd one o, the+
po'ed +e 0ith hi% %ti.' &nd &%'ed +e 0h&t the hell I 0&% doing lying
&ro7nd in & h&+per3 I loo'ed hi+ right in the eye &nd %&id, 9I)+ %o+e %hirt%39
I .o7ld tell he 0&% d7bio7%3 6e 'ept p&.ing b&.' &nd ,orth &nd %t&ring &t +e3
I g7e%% I got & little p&ni.'y3 9I)+ %o+e shi%ts,0 I told hi+3 9So+e deni+
0or' %hirt%Jbl7e one%39 Be,ore I .o7ld %&y ¬her 0ord, +y &r+% &nd leg%
0ere +&n&.led &nd I 0&% b&.' in %tir3
I le&rned e2erything I 'ne0 &bo7t .ri+e &t (l+ir&* ho0 to pi.' po.'et%,
ho0 to .r&.' & %&,e, ho0 to .7t gl&%%J&ll the ,ine point% o, the tr&de3 $or
in%t&n.e, I le&rned @&nd not e2en &ll pro,e%%ion&l .ri+in&l% 'no0 thi%A th&t in
the e2ent o, & %hooto7t 0ith the .op%, the .op% &re &l0&y% &llo0ed the ,ir%t
t0o %hot%3 It)% <7%t the 0&y it)% done3 5hen yo7 ret7rn ,ire3 And i, & .op %&y%,
9We h&2e the ho7%e %7rro7nded, .o+e o7t 0ith yo7r h&nd% 7p,9 yo7 don)t
<7%t %hoot 0ildly3 Go7 %&y, 9I)d pre,er not to,9 or 9I)d r&ther not &t thi%
p&rti.7l&r ti+e39 5here)% & right 0&y to do the%e thing%, b7t tod&y333 Well,
0hy go into &ll th&tC
$or the ne?t ,e0 ye&r% o, +y li,e I 0&% the be%t d&+n b7rgl&r yo7 e2er
%&03 -eople t&l' &bo7t I&,,le%, b7t I&,,le% h&d hi% %tyle &nd I h&d +ine3 I
h&d l7n.h 0ith I&,,le%) %on on.e3 Ni.e g7y3 We &te &t the old Hindy)%3 6e
%tole the pepper +ill3 I %tole the %il2er0&re &nd n&p'in%3 5hen he too' the
'et.h7p bottle3 I too' hi% h&t3 6e got +y 7+brell& &nd tiepin3 When 0e le,t
0e 'idn&pped & 0&iter3 It 0&% 87ite & h&7l3 5he origin&l I&,,le% beg&n &% &
.&t b7rgl&r3 @I .o7ldn)t do th&t, be.&7%e the 0hi%'er% +&'e +e %neeDe3A 6e)d
dre%% 7p in thi% be&t7p .&t %7it &nd d&rt o2er roo,top%3 In the end, he 0&%
.&7ght by t0o g7y% ,ro+ S.otl&nd G&rd dre%%ed &% dog%3 I %7ppo%e yo7)2e
he&rd o, the Li%%ing B&nditC 6e)d bre&' into & <oint &nd rob the 2i.ti+, &nd
i, it 0&% & 0o+&n he)d 'i%% her3 It 0&% %&d the 0&y the l&0 ,in&lly n&iled
hi+3 6e h&d t0o old do0&ger% tied 7p &nd he 0&% pr&n.ing in ,ront o, the+
%inging 9=i++e & Hittle Li%%, Will G&, 67hC9 0hen he %lipped on &
,oot%tool &nd ,r&.t7red hi% pel2i%3
5ho%e boy% +&de &ll the he&dline%, b7t I p7lled o,, %o+e .&per% th&t the
poli.e ne2er did ,ig7re o7t3 Fn.e, I entered & +&n%ion, ble0 the %&,e, &nd
re+o2ed %i? tho7%&nd doll&r% 0hile & .o7ple %lept in the %&+e roo+3 5he
h7%b&nd 0o'e 7p 0hen the dyn&+ite 0ent o,,, b7t 0hen I &%%7red hi+ th&t
the entire pro.eed% 0o7ld go to the Boy%) Cl7b% o, A+eri.& he 0ent b&.' to
%leep3 Cle2erly, I le,t behind %o+e ,ingerprint% o, $r&n'lin >3 Ioo%e2elt,
0ho 0&% -re%ident then3 Another ti+e, &t & big diplo+&ti. .o.'t&il p&rty, I
%tole & 0o+&n)% di&+ond ne.'l&.e 0hile 0e 0ere %h&'ing h&nd%3 ;%ed &
2&.77+ .le&ner on herJ&n old 6oo2er3 =ot her ne.'l&.e &nd e&rring%3
H&ter, 0hen I opened the b&g I ,o7nd %o+e ,&l%e teeth there, 0hi.h belonged
to the >7t.h A+b&%%&dor3
:y +o%t be&7ti,7l <ob, tho7gh, 0&% 0hen I bro'e into the Briti%h
:7%e7+3 I 'ne0 th&t the entire ,loor o, the I&re =e+% Ioo+ 0&% 0ired &nd
the %lighte%t pre%%7re on it 0o7ld %et o,, &n &l&r+3 I 0&% lo0ered in 7p%ide
do0n by & rope ,ro+ the %'ylight, %o I 0o7ldn)t to7.h the gro7nd3 I .&+e
thro7gh ne&t &% yo7 ple&%e, &nd in & +in7te I 0&% ho2ering o2er the ,&+o7%
Littridge >i&+ond% in their di%pl&y .&%e3 A% I p7lled o7t +y gl&%% .7tter &
little %p&rro0 ,le0 in thro7gh the %'ylight &nd l&nded on the ,loor3 5he &l&r+
%o7nded &nd eight %87&d .&r% &rri2ed3 I got ten ye&r%3 5he %p&rro0 got
t0enty to li,e3 5he bird 0&% o7t in %i? +onth%, on prob&tion3 A ye&r l&ter, he
0&% pi.'ed 7p in $ort Worth ,or pe.'ing I&bbi :orri% Ll7g,ein into & %t&te
o, %e+i.on%.io7%ne%%3
Wh&t &d2i.e 0o7ld I gi2e the &2er&ge ho+eo0ner to prote.t hi+%el,
&g&in%t b7rgl&r%C Well, the ,ir%t thing i% to 'eep & light on in the ho7%e 0hen
yo7 go o7t3 It +7%t be &t le&%t & %i?ty0&tt b7lbK &nything le%% &nd the
b7rgl&r 0ill r&n%&.' the ho7%e, o7t o, .onte+pt ,or the 0&tt&ge3 Another
good ide& i% to 'eep & dog, b7t thi% i% not ,oolproo,3 Whene2er I 0&% &bo7t
to rob & ho7%e 0ith & dog in it, I thre0 in %o+e dog ,ood +i?ed 0ith
Se.on&l3 I, th&t didn)t 0or', I)d grind 7p e87&l p&rt% o, .hopped +e&t &nd &
no2el by 5heodore >rei%er3 I, it h&ppen% th&t yo7 &re going o7t o, to0n &nd
+7%t le&2e yo7r ho7%e 7ng7&rded, it)% & good ide& to p7t & .&rdbo&rd
%ilho7ette o, yo7r%el, in the 0indo03 Any %ilho7ette 0ill do3 A Bron? +&n
on.e pl&.ed & .&rdbo&rd %ilho7ette o, :ontgo+ery Cli,t in hi% 0indo0 &nd
then 0ent to L7t%her)% ,or the 0ee'end3 H&ter, :ontgo+ery Cli,t hi+%el,
h&ppened to 0&l' by &nd %&0 the %ilho7ette, 0hi.h .&7%ed hi+ gre&t &n?iety3
6e &tte+pted to %tri'e 7p & .on2er%&tion, &nd 0hen it ,&iled to &n%0er ,or
%e2en ho7r% Cli,t ret7rned to C&li,orni& &nd told hi% ,riend% th&t Ne0
Gor'er% 0ere %nobbi%h3
I, yo7 %7rpri%e &n intr7der in the &.t o, b7rgl&riDing yo7r ho+e, do not
p&ni.3 Ie+e+ber, he i% &% ,rightened &% yo7 &re3 Fne good de2i.e i% to rob
him SeiDe the initi&ti2e &nd relie2e the b7rgl&r o, hi% 0&t.h &nd 0&llet3 5hen
he .&n get into yo7r bed 0hile yo7 +&'e & get&0&y3 5r&pped by thi%
de,en%e, I on.e 0o7nd 7p li2ing in >e% :oine% ,or %i? ye&r% 0ith ¬her
+&n)% 0i,e &nd three .hildren, &nd only le,t 0hen I 0&% ,ort7n&te eno7gh to
%7rpri%e ¬her b7rgl&r, 0ho too' +y pl&.e3 5he %i? ye&r% I li2ed 0ith th&t
,&+ily 0ere 2ery h&ppy one%, &nd I o,ten loo' b&.' on the+ 0ith &,,e.tion,
<ho7gh there i% &l%o +7.h to be %&id ,or 0or'ing on & .h&in g&ng3
ABOUT T/E AUT/OR
A,ter he 0&% re<e.ted ,ro+ both Ne0 Gor' ;ni2er%ity &nd City College,
Woody Allen t7rned to & pro,e%%ion&l 0riting .&reer, &t ,ir%t ,or tele2i%ion
&nd .o+edi&n%3 In 196" he de.ided to be.o+e & .o+edi&n hi+%el,3
Woody Allen)% ,ir%t %.reenpl&y, 0ritten in 196", 0&% the enor+o7%ly
pop7l&r What+s Ne*, Pussycat3 6e h&% &l%o 0ritten, dire.ted, &nd %t&rred in
thirteen ,il+% to d&te* Ta&e the (oney and Run, Bananas, Eve%ything 'ou
Al*ays Wanted to :no* A.out Se", Slee-e%, 7ove and #eath, Annie Hall,
(anhattan, Sta%dust (emo%ies, A (idsumme% Night+s Se" 1omedy,
B%oad*ay #anny Rose, Zelig, Hannah and He% Siste%s, Radio #ays,
Se-tem.e%, &nd 1%imes and (isdemeano%s :r3 Allen &l%o 0rote &nd
dire.ted $nte%io%s &nd The Pu%-le Rose of 1ai%o In &ddition, :r3 Allen h&%
0ritten three pl&y% ,or Bro&d0&y* #on+t #%in& the Wate%, Play $t Again,
Sam @the l&tter %t&rring hi+%el, in both the pl&y &nd the %7b%e87ent ,il+
2er%ionA &nd The )loating 7ight.ul.
:r3 Allen h&% 0ritten &nd &ppe&red in hi% o0n tele2i%ion %pe.i&l% &nd
h&% been & ,re87ent .ontrib7tor to The Ne* 'o%&e%, &+ong other periodi.&l%3