M
E
A
S
U
R
E
M
E
N
T
S
O
R
G
A
N
I
Z
E
M
E
A
S
U
R
E
M
E
N
T
R
E
S
U
L
T
S
D
E
T
E
R
M
I
N
E
T
E
C
H
N
I
C
A
L
W
R
I
T
E
R
'
S
N
E
E
D
S
R
E
V
I
E
W
L
I
T
E
R
A
T
U
R
E
D
E
V
E
L
O
P
T
E
S
T
A
N
D
M
E
A
S
U
R
E
M
E
N
T
M
E
T
H
O
D
S
C
O
N
D
U
C
T
I
N
T
E
R
V
I
E
W
R
E
V
I
E
W
L
I
T
E
R
A
T
U
R
E
S
E
T
U
P
T
E
S
T
H
A
R
D
W
A
R
E
A
N
D
S
O
F
T
W
A
R
E
G
E
N
E
R
A
T
E
P
R
O
G
R
E
S
S
R
E
P
O
R
T
C
O
N
S
U
L
T
R
E
P
O
R
T
A
N
D
S
T
Y
L
E
G
U
I
D
E
S
D
E
L
I
V
E
R
F
I
N
A
L
D
R
A
F
T
5
/
2
1
W
R
I
T
E
R
O
U
G
H
D
R
A
F
T
5
/
2
1
4
/
1
3
5
/
1
0
4
/
1
3
5
/
1
0
4
/
1
3
5
/
1
0
4
/
1
3
5
/
1
0
4
/
2
0
5
/
8
3
/
1
6
5
/
4
3
/
1
6
5
/
4
3
/
1
6
5
/
4
3
/
9
4
/
3
0
3
/
9
4
/
3
0
3
/
9
4
/
3
0
F
I
G
U
R
E
1
:
A
C
T
I
V
I
T
Y
P
L
A
N
F
O
R
M
A
R
C
H
1
9
9
0
T
H
R
O
U
G
H
M
A
Y
1
9
9
0
181 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
Corporation (SAIC), and will cover the advantages and
disadvantages of using WordPerfect and Microsoft Word for
technical writing.
3.2.2 Benchmark development
Word processor performance is most easily
measured by hands-on benchmark testing. Following a
review of current word processing literature (user
guides, handbooks, periodical articles) and drawing upon
my existing computer knowledge, I will develop
benchmarking tests to aid evaluation of word processor
performance. These tests will look at specific word
processor features on a functional basis. All tests will be
performed with Microsoft Word and WordPerfect running
on identical IBM-PC compatible hardware so as to eliminate
all extraneous factors (such as graphics display
capabilities) that might influence test results.
3.2.3. Report quality control
To ensure a well-written final report, I will consult
pertinent report and style guides such as Kenneth Houp’s
Reporting Technical Information and The Chicago Manual
of Style. My aim is a paper which free lance technical
writers will consider a valuable reference.
Figure 2 shows the time relations of the research, testing, and reporting
phases. Report work is scheduled to take twelve weeks. Besides the final
report, I will furnish a progress report approximately eight weeks into the
project.
passive
hyphen
Could you
explain your
plans for the
tests more here?
For example,
how will you
determine which
features you
will test?
Could you
suggest some
questions you
plan to ask?
Can you get
rid of these
unnecessary
passive
constructions
and wordy
nouns?
-4-
182 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
1
F
I
G
U
R
E
2
:
T
I
M
E
A
N
D
W
O
R
K
S
C
H
E
D
U
L
E
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
1
0
1
1
1
2
I
N
I
T
I
A
L
E
X
P
L
O
R
A
T
I
O
N
A
N
D
P
L
A
N
N
I
N
G
G
A
T
H
E
R
M
A
T
E
R
I
A
L
S
C
O
N
D
U
C
T
I
N
T
E
R
V
I
E
W
S
P
R
O
G
R
E
S
S
R
E
P
O
R
T
P
E
R
F
O
R
M
T
E
S
T
S
A
N
D
M
E
A
S
U
R
E
M
E
N
T
S
W
E
E
K
S
R
O
U
G
H
D
R
A
F
T
F
I
N
A
L
R
E
P
O
R
T
D
E
L
I
V
E
R
E
D
-5-
183 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
4.0 BUDGET
Table 1 shows my estimated expenses for the twelve week feasibility
report project. The cost of each item may be less than estimated, but will not
be more.
-6-
Can you provide a rationale for
your budget? Emphasize, perhaps,
how inexpensive this project is?
184 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
TABLE 1. BUDGET ITEMIZATION
FOR MARCH 9, 1990 TO MAY 21, 1990
Item Rate Amount
Labor
(mysel f; techni cal 12 weeks @ $250.00 per week $3000.00
wri ti ng student)
Offi ce Suppl i es
Pens and penci l s 10 @ $0.60 6.00
Computer paper 500 sheets 4.59
Pri nter ri bbon 1 @ $9.95 per pkg. 9.95
cartri dge
Notecards 2 pkgs. @ $0.45 per pkg. 0.90
Paper cl i ps, 5.00
stapl es, fol ders
Stati onery 5.00
Other Materi al s
Software user 3 @ $24.00 72.00
gui des
Travel
Gasol i ne (used i n travel to i ntervi ew, l i brary) 20.00
Admi ni strati ve Expense
Photocopy of 10 pages @ $0.10 1.00
fi nal report
TOTAL $3124.44
-7-
good detail
here
185 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
The beginning technical writing class often has people from many
disciplines not thought of as “technical.” I have students from such fields as
literature, religious studies, classics, music, and drama mixed in with those
from electrical engineering and biology. This sample shows how information
transfer is “technical” in nature no matter what field a student may be study-
ing. The assignment for the paper is to do a formal technical report on the
literature generated in the student’s major field of study. Students are to
discuss, with examples, how literature evolves through the flow of information
theory that is driven by the research and development model, the conceptual
framework by which I teach this class. Writing this report allows students to
research the topic, gather data, report the data, and learn at the same time
about research in their own disciplines. They learn research strategies that
make them better researchers, and they learn as well their current and future
roles as both users and developers of information in their disciplines.
The following memo describes the specifications for this assignment:
MEMORANDUM
DATE:
TO: Technical Writing Students in English 503W
FROM: Sherry Little
SUBJECT: GUIDE FOR THE FORMAL TECHNICAL REPORT
One of the most important undertakings in the technical writing course is the
formal technical report discussed in Chapter 9. This report is a term project,
and you should begin work on it immediately. Due date for the report is on
the class syllabus.
Choice of a Subject
You are to write to new students in your technical field, telling them what they
need to know about the evolution of scientific and technical literature in your
field. As a result of reading this report, readers should be able to become
expert developers of technical communication as well as efficient users of that
literature; that is, they should understand the genres of technical communica-
tion that they will be working with and writing as professionals as well as how
to conduct research to find information generated by others. Assume the
students have had a freshman communication course in which basic research
techniques, such as use of the card catalog and general indexes such as Reader’s
Guide, have been learned.
186 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Content of the Report
The report should answer these questions:
1. What kind of information do professionals in your technical field
generate?
2. In what forms (genres) does this information appear in your technical
field? (Although you will be spending some time talking about pri-
mary information here and the sources for finding this primary infor-
mation, the bulk of your report will deal with secondary and tertiary
literature.)
3. What are the sources to technical information in your field? To answer
this question, your report should answer these questions:
• What professional periodicals in this field does the
library at SDSU hold? Where are they? What is the
strength of each periodical? What sort of articles
does each publish? (In most fields you won’t be able
to discuss all the periodicals. Give an idea of what
the total number is and single out a half dozen for
comment.)
• What are the general guides to government reports?
(For this area you will not find any specialized guides
by technical fields. Please do not ask reference
librarians in Government Publications for specialized
guides in your field. They do not exist.)
• What are the abstracting journals and periodical
indexes in your field? (In some fields these are
combined; in others they are separate.)
• What are the bibliographies, encyclopedias,
dictionaries, and handbooks?
• What is the computer information system (database) in
your field called? Where is it? What information does
it provide? What does it cost to use?
• What other information do the readers need to know
about in order to do research in your field?
When discussing these sources, briefly describe what is found in these sources
and how they are used. It wouldn’t hurt to evaluate them for this new student
to your field as to how difficult they are to understand.
Organization of Data
After you have collected the data for your report, you need to decide how to
organize this data so that your readers can assimilate it quickly and easily. You
187 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
will want them to find the exact piece of information they are looking for
without necessarily having to read the entire report. Consider the following
suggestions when making your decisions:
1. Beginning your report with a clear, direct statement of purpose and a
preview of what the readers will find in the report lets them know what
to expect.
2. Headings allow readers to find only the information they want by
skimming the report.
3. Preparing your readers for your plan of presenting the data allows your
readers to know what to expect. The discernible plan should act as a
path that guides them through the paper smoothly.
4. Using the research and development model that the librarian used in
the lecture is one organizational pattern that allows a logical presenta-
tion of your data. A flow chart illustrating the sources for your field
would make a good illustration to complement your prose.
Report Format
Your report should be neatly typed and bound in a clear plastic folder. Use a
well-designed title page that includes a descriptive abstract. Be alert to the
possibility of using illustrative material, such as charts, graphs, drawings,
photos, and tables. All reports should have at least one figure and one
table. The following lists everything you will include in the report in
the order that it will appear:
Letter of transmittal
Title page
Descriptive abstract placed on title page
Table of contents
List of figures (or illustrations)
Informative abstract (sometimes called Introductory summary)
Introduction
The report (Supply and develop all information needed to support your
conclusions)
Factual summary
Conclusions
Recommendations
Bibliography (or reference list)
Length of Report
Your report should be a substantial effort. The report, excluding graphic
elements, should run about ten pages.
188 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Evaluation Criteria
Your report will be evaluated according to the following criteria:
Is the report complete? (Does it cover the information requested?)
Does it suit the audience and purpose?
Is it in a clear, readable format? (Format refers also to layout, white
space, use of lists integrated with prose.)
Is it written in a clear style, free from mechanical and usage errors?
Does it follow the assignment specifications?
Does it present information with coherence and unity? (Is there a
central idea that leads the reader through the report? Is data
linked together so that the reader moves smoothly through the
report?)
Please check with me immediately if you run into any problems. We’ll be
discussing this assignment at length in class so be sure to ask if you have any
questions. Good luck on your research.
Explanation of Commentary
This report offers many features to like. Probably its greatest, and most
obvious, strength is in its use of graphics to complement the prose. The clip-art
figure for the flow of information (Figure 1) is eye-catching and informative,
and Subramanyam’s figure of the flow is nicely used in later figures (Figures 4
and 6) to provide the details of the report—the examples of different forms of
literature in the student’s field. Figure 7 is a bit busy and relies heavily on
symbols that probably would make it hard for the reader to use the informa-
tion; however, it’s an excellent attempt to illustrate the information provided in
the report in its entirety. Relying on my priority list, I chose not to make any
negative comments here, for this student, an English major, does not need to be
discouraged when she experiments with a new way to communicate. The
report also is complete and accurate, supplying the information called for in
the assignment and written in the format specified. The conventions of the
formal technical report are followed well, and the prose is “chunked” into
easily assimilated bits of information with headings that help the reader locate
the information presented.
This student does have some problems in her prose that I comment on,
mostly in unnecessary passive voice and diction. The major problem with this
piece, however, is its lack of coherence. The writer needs to make it more
obvious to the reader why this information has been organized in the way it
has, as I suggested toward the beginning of the report. Other comments, the
use of future tense, writing out numbers, and inconsistency in referring to
figures are related more to this student’s not being familiar with the conven-
tions of technical communication. I chose not to comment on the inconsistency
189 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
of using capitals in figure titles (as in Figure 6) or on the awkward and repeti-
tive way that she refers to the items in later portions of the report, for I see
these problems as the student’s working out these unfamiliar strategies that are
so common to technical communication, but not so characteristic of other fields
of writing. Once she has more experience handling these overt signals, the
awkwardness will probably fade. Despite these problems and a few basic,
mechanical problems like punctuation with quotation marks and typos, this
student is a good writer and has produced an accurate, complete report that
follows the specs well.
190 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
1716 Bridgehampton Pl.
El Cajon, Ca 92019
January 25, 1991
Ms. Karen Kinney
Associate University Librarian
San Diego State University
San Diego, CA 92182-5200
Dear Ms. Kinney:
I submit the accompanying report entitled “A Report of
the Flow of Information in the Field of Expository
Writing:
College Instruction.” This report completes the re-
search I did as described in a proposal dated January
17, 1991.
The report discusses the concept of the flow of infor-
mation and identifies, classifies, and compares twenty-
two
publications available through SDSU library that fit
into
the flow of information for expository writing. I have
charted all of these publications and fit them into a
standardized model of the flow of information.
I drew heavily from the book Scientific and Technical
information Resources, by Krishna Subramanyam, and have
used the diagrams from his book for this report.
Sincerely,
Melody L. Kilcrease
English Major
need enclosure nota-
tion
I'd use possessive pronoun here.
cap
I'd wo
191 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
A REPORT ON
THE FLOW OF INFORMATION IN THE FIELD
EXPOSITORY WRITING: COLLEGE INSTRUCTION
Prepared for
Karen Kinney, associate University Librarian
San Diego State University Library
by
Melody L. Kilcrease
Abstract
This report identifies the forms and flow of information
in the field of “expository writing: college instruction”.
Twenty-two publications are identified, classified and
compared. The flow of information model is illustrated
displaying the actual resources available through the SDSU
library. Conclusions are drawn and a recommendation ends
the report.
January 25, 1991
cap
Lots of
unnecessary
passive voice
here
p: quote (but
I don't think I'd use
quotes
here)
192 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1.0 Introduction _________________________________ iv
1.1 Definition of the Problem __________ 1
1.2 Audience Assessment ________________ 2
1.3 Scope of the Report ________________ 2
2.0 Model of the Flow of Information _____________ 3
3.0 Tertiary Literature __________________________ 7
4.0 Secondary Literature _________________________ 8
5.0 Primary Literature ___________________________ 10
6.0 Literature Comparison ________________________ 13
7.0 Factual Summary ______________________________ 14
8.0 Conclusion ___________________________________ 14
9.0 Recommendations ______________________________ 15
ii
wrong
page
#
you need to list
all items that follow TOC on it – illustrations page?
Bibliography?
193 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
ILLUSTRATIONS
Figures
1. The Flow of Information, Phase 1 ____________
5
2. The Flow of Information Expanded ____________
6
3. Titles of Tertiary Literature _______________
7
4. Titles of Secondary Literature ______________
9
5. Titles of Primary Literature _______________ 10
6. The Flow of Information in the Field of
Expository Writing: College Instruction ____
12
7. Literature Comparison ______________________ 16
iii
I like many things in this
report, Melody. Your graphics are
outstanding! (aren't Macs great?)
Remember, however, they complement prose
and can never replace clean, clear
prose. Your report is complete,
following the assignment specs for
format and content. Don't forget
to proofread always carefully to
eliminate pesky, distracting problems –
I'm concerned about coherence here –
talk with me about this –
Page
194 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
1.0 INTRODUCTION
The purpose of thi s report i s to i denti fy the forms of i nformati on avai l abl e for the
study of Exposi ti ory Wri ti ng, focusi ng on the i nformati on desi gned for the col l ege
i nstructor. Thi s report descri bes what l i brari ans refer to as the “fl ow of
i nfor mati on” and how i t i s navi gated i n the r esear ch pr ocess. The l i ter atur e
avai l abl e at San Di ego State Uni ver si ty Li br ar y on the subject of “ exposi tor y
wr i ti ng” i s i denti fi ed, cl assi fi ed and compar ed, wi thi n a fl ow of i nfor mati on
model . The r epor t ends wi th a factual summar y, concl usi ons and
recommendati ons.
1.1 Defi ni ti on of the Probl em
The mi ssi on of the SDSU Li brary i ncl udes provi di ng servi ces desi gned to faci l i tate
access to i nformati on. Accordi ng to the most recent General Catal og, SDSU has
the l argest Engl i sh department i n the state. And the SDSU Pl acement Offi ce has
noted an i ncreased demand i n the marketpl ace for Engl i sh teachers. Therefore,
a ri si ng demand for i nformati on about the col l ege l evel i nstructi on of exposi tory
wri ti ng seems l i kel y, whether for research or i n support of i nstructi on.
1.2 Audi ence Assessment
The report i s desi gned to benefi t the SDSU student majori ng i n Engl i sh:
exposi tory wri ti ng. The SDSU General Catal og for 1990-91 descri bes seven “areas
of study” avai l abl e to the Engl i sh major , fi ve of whi ch concentr ate on l i ter ar y
topi cs, and two on wri ti ng, exposi tory and creati ve. Exposi tory wri ti ng covers
techni cal l y or cri ti cal l y ori ented nonfi cti on and i ncl udes courses i n the theory and
practi ce of exposi tory wri ti ng and the teachi ng of composi ti on.
The second or thi rd year undergraduate, usual l y a novi ce researcher, faces a
demand for sophi sti cated research i n upper-di vi si on cl asses. A researcher
passive
wordy
passive
lc
I'd hyphenate these
195 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
-2-
studyi ng how exposi tor y wr i ti ng i s taught i n col l ege meets wi th a bewi l der i ng
array of l i terature. Thi s report i s the mi ssi ng l i nk to the fl ow of i nformati on for
the SDSU student of exposi tory wri ti ng: col l ege i nstructi on.
1.3 Scope of the Report
Si nce thi s research i s sponsored by the SDSU l i brary, the fi ndi ngs are l i mi ted to
the r esour ces avai l abl e thr ough the l i br ar y. To hel p the student r esear ch, the
l i br ar y offer s a computer i zed car d catal og (CAT), a database sear ch ser vi ce
(DI ALOG), and pri nted l i sts of resources organi zed by subject (BLR). The report
assumes an understandi ng of these tool s.
2.0 Model of the Flow of Information
Fi gure 1 i l l ustr ates how an i dea can enter what i s k nown as the “fl ow of
i nformati on” as a questi on jotted down by a researcher. The i dea starts to “fl ow”
as i t i s proposed, researched, experi mented, and presented to other researchers
and schol ar s i n the fi el d. Now the i dea “ fl ows” to a wi der audi ence thr ough
revi ews and arti cl es. Conti nui ng to “fl ow”, the i dea becomes a book, and then i s
i ncorporated i nto encycl opedi as, handbooks, and textbooks. Now the i dea i s a
part of the “val i dated publ i c l i terature” i n that fi el d. But how does a researcher
trace the ori gi ns of thi s i dea? Fi gure 2 shows an expanded model of the fl ow of
i nformati on and shows how the l ocati on of the i nformati on i s catal ogued.
(Subramanyam, p. 5). Reference gui des to reference gui des promote easy access
to the l i terature i n a speci fi c fi el d.
Fi gure 2 i l l ustrates stages al ong the fl ow of i nformati on. I deas feed the fl ow
of i nformati on, and i t i s the recordi ng of these i deas that begi n the fi rst stage: the
generati on and recordi ng of pri mary l i terature. Once the pri mary l i terature i s
publ i shed the i nformati on enters the second stage: the l i terature i s surrogated,
repackaged, or compacted i nto other publ i cati ons known as secondary l i terature.
I don't think I'd
mix these
metaphors here
passive
source?
p: quote
196 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Figure 1. The Flow of Information
good figure! I like this
-3-
197 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
Generation of Knowledge
Recording
Primary Literature
Repackaging
Compaction
Surrogation
Bibliographies
Catalogs
Indexes
Abstracts
Current
Awareness
Services
Dictionaries
Directories
Tables
Handbooks
Yearbooks
Almanacs
Reviews
Momographs
Textbooks
Treatises
Encyclopedias
Secondary
Literature
Bibliography
of Bibliographies
Directory of
Directories
Guide to Literature
Dissemination
Secondary Surrogation
Tertiary
Literature
Utilization of Scientific Information
Figure 2.The Flow of Information (Krishna Subramanyan,
New York: Dekker, 1981.)
Scientific and Technical Information Resources,
-4-
now you have
two figures
with same
title – but see
Illustrations
page –
Editor's Note: This figure is reprinted from Krishna Subramanyan, Scientific
and Technical Information Resources (New York: Marcel Dekker, Inc., 1981), p. 9,
by courtesy of Marcel Dekker, Inc.
Figure 2. The Flow of Information (Krishna Subramanyan,
Scientific and Technical Information Resources,
New York: Dekker, 1981.)
198 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
The secondary l i terature col l ects i deas from a vari ety of sources and presents i t to
a wi der audi ence. Now the thi rd stage begi ns, as the catal ogues are catal ogued,
cr eati ng the ter ti ar y l i ter atur e. I t i s thr ough thi s “ hi er ar chy of publ i cati ons
(Subramanyam, p. 9) that a researcher moves i n pursui t of ori gi nal data.
3.0 Tertiary Literature
The ki nds of ter ti ar y l i ter atur e used i n the study of exposi tor y wr i ti ng ar e the
same gui des to r efer ence wor ks, bi bl i ogr aphi es of bi bl i ogr aphi es, and database
di rectori es used by most researchers. These di rectori es are l i sts of other reference
publ i cati ons, organi zed under general subject headi ngs.
Fi gur e 3 char ts some of the ter ti ar y r esour ces i n the fi el d of exposi tor y
writing:college instruction. Note that the library search service (DI ALOG) cata-
l ogue i s cl assi fi ed as terti ary l i terature, as i t i s used as a di rectory of di rectori es,
wi th easi l y read and cross referenced l i sti ngs of over 350 databases.
Fi gure 3. Ti tl es of Terti ary Li terature
-5-
wordy
passive
hyphen
good detail provided
here in your figure
coh = I would state here that you've
used this "flow" in a backward order
for your paper because that's an
effective
strategy for students to use
p: quote
The Humanities: A Selective Guide to Information Sources.
3rd ed. Ron Blazek and Elizabeth Aversa. Littleton: Libraries Unlimited, 1989.
DIALOG (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)
Walford's Guide to Reference Materials. A.J. Walford, ed. London:
The Library Association. vol 3: 4th ed. 1986.
199 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
The report compares these publ i cati ons i n the secti on ti tl ed “Li terature
Compari son”.
4.0 Secondary Literature
Secondar y l i ter atur e i s the sur r ogated, r epackaged and compacted i nfor mati on
r efer r ed to i n the ter ti ar y l i ter atur e. (Subr amanyam, p. 9) Secondar y l i ter atur e
r ear r anges i nfor mati on fr om a var i ety of sour ces to al l ow access to speci fi c i tems
fr om the mass of l i ter atur e on the subject. Refer ences sur r ogate i nfor mati on by
i denti fyi ng and l i sti ng documents accordi ng to thei r topi c or purpose. Bi b-
l i ographi es and peri odi cal i ndexes fi t i nto thi s cl assi fi cati on. References, such
as dictionaries and handbooks, repackage information when they list specific
i tems i n ways whi ch al l ow ready access. Resources whi ch have di gested i nformati on
from a vari ety of sources and combi ned i t wi th the exi sti ng knowl edge
i n the subject are sai d to have compacted the i nformati on. Styl e manual s and
encycl opedi as ar e two exampl es of l i ter atur e contai ni ng compacted i nfor mati on.
Fi gure 4 charts some of the secondary l i terature i n the fi el d of exposi tory wri ti ng:
col l ege i nstructi on.
-6-
p: quote
check
style
manual
for
format
SS:
I would
rewrite
this
sentence
to make
your
definition
more direct
(I'd eliminate
the passive voice
too)
wc – I'd use
another word
here
200 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
An Annotated Bibliography of Texts
on Writing Skills
MLA Directory of Periodicals: A
Guide to J ournals and Series in
Languages and Literature
New York: MLA, 1988
NTIS
National Technical Information Service
of the U.S. Department of Commerce
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
ERIC
Current Index to J ournals in Education
Resources in Education
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
The American Heritage Dictionary
Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990
Abstracts of English Studies
Champaign, Ill. NTCE since 1958
Form and Style
Theses, Reports, Term Papers
8th ed. , William G. Campbell, et al.
Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990.
Harbrace College Handbook
11th ed., J ohn C. Hodges, et al. San
Diego: Harcourt Brace J ovanovich,
1990.
Sharon Burns, New York: Garland, 1977.
The MLA Style Manual
Walter S. Achter and J oseph Gibaldi.
New York: Modern Language Association
of America, 1985
Yearbook of English Studies
Modern Humanities Research Assoc.
Websters Collegiate Thesaurus
Springfield: Merriam-Webster, 1988
Clear Technical Writing
J ohn A. Brogan. New York: McGraw-Hill,
1973.
Reporting Technical Information
6th ed., Kenneth W. Houp and Thomas E.
Pearsall. New York: Macmillan . 1988
Compacted
Surrogated
Repackaged
Fi gure 4. Ti tl es of Secondary Li terature
-7-
good detail – I like the
way you are building on
Subramanyam's model
201 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
The report compares these publ i cati ons i n the secti on ti tl ed “Li terature Compari -
son”.
5.0 Primary Literature
Pri mary l i terature contai ns the ori gi nal records of research and schol arshi p i n a
gi ven fi el d, such as confer ence paper s, r esear ch r epor ts, and jour nal ar ti cl es.
Her e i s the or i gi nal data, pr oposed and r ecor ded by the or i gi nal r esear cher .
Pr i mar y l i ter atur e, not l i mi ted to onl y for mal publ i shed r ecor ds, i ncl udes the
i nfor mal r ecor ds of r esear ch: notebooks, di ar i es and per sonal cor r espondence.
Most of these i nfor mal r ecor ds ar e not avai l abl e to gener al audi ences, but ar e
someti mes found i n speci al col l ecti ons and l i brari es. Fi gure 5 charts some of the
pri mary l i terature i n the fi el d of exposi tory wri ti ng: col l ege i nstructi on.
College English
NCTE, Champaigne, Ill
The J ournal of the Conference on
College Composition and Communication
NCTC, Champaigne, Ill
The Writing Instructor
The Freshman Writing Program,
USC, Los Angeles, Calif.
Research in the Teaching of English
NCTC, Champaigne, Ill.
Written Communication
Sage Publications
Exercise/ Exchange
Clarion University, Penn.
Fi gure 5. Ti tl es of Pri mary Li terature
The report compares these publ i cati ons i n the secti on ti tl ed “Li terature Compari -
son” . Fi gur e 6 shows the char t fr om Fi gur e 2, r evi sed to r efl ect twenty-two
resources avai l abl e i n SDSU Li brary.
-8-
I'd be
consistent in
use of commas
in series
p: quote
p: quote
202 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
good figure –
it summarizes
the information
in the whole report
and continues to build
on Subramanyam's model
FIGURE 6. The flow of Information in the Field of
Expository Writing: College Instruction
SDSU LIBRARY
College English
NCTE, Champaigne, Ill
The J ournal of the Conference on
College Composition and Communication
NCTC, Champaigne, Ill
The Writing Instructor
The Freshman Writing Program,
USC, Los Angeles, Calif.
Research in the Teaching of English
NCTC, Champaigne, Ill.
Written Communication
Sage Publications
Exercise/ Exchange
Clarion University, Penn.
The American Heritage Dictionary
Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990
Form and Style
Theses, Reports, Term Papers
8th ed. , William G. Campbell, et al.
Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990.
Harbrace College Handbook
11th ed., J ohn C. Hodges, et al. San
Diego: Harcourt Brace J ovanovich,
1990.
The MLA Style Manual
Walter S. Achter and J oseph Gibaldi.
New York: Modern Language Association
of America, 1985
Yearbook of English Studies
Modern Humanities Research Assoc.
Websters Collegiate Thesaurus
Springfield: Merriam-Webster, 1988
Repackaged
Clear Technical Writing
J ohn A. Brogan. New York: McGraw-Hill,
1973.
Reporting Technical Information
6th ed., Kenneth W. Houp and Thomas E.
Pearsall. New York: Macmillan . 1988
Compacted
An Annotated Bibliography of Texts
on Writing Skills
MLA Directory of Periodicals: A
Guide to J ournals and Series in
Languages and Literature
New York: MLA, 1988
NTIS
National Technical Information Service
of the U.S. Department of Commerce
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
ERIC
Current Index to J ournals in Education
Resources in Education
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
(DIALOG Information Services, Inc.
Palo Alto, Calif.)
Abstracts of English Studies
Champaign, Ill. NTCE since 1958
Sharon Burns, New York: Garland, 1977.
Surrogated
-9-
The Humanit ies: A Select ive Guide t o Inf ormat ion Sources.
3rd ed. Ron Blazek and Elizabeth Aversa. Littleton: Libraries Unlimited, 1989.
DIALOG (DIALOG Information Sources, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)
Walford' s Guide to Reference Materials. A. J . Wal f ord, ed. London:
The Library Association. vol 3: 4th ed. 1986
203 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
6.0 Literature Comparison
Fi gur e 7 di spl ays a compar i son of twenty-two r esour ces avai l abl e i n the SDSU
l i br ar y on the subject of exposi tor y wr i ti ng: col l ege i nstr ucti on. The r esour ces
were compared on the basi s of l i ter atur e cl assi fi cati on, l evel of i nter est,
organi zati on, frequency of publ i cati on, use of graphi cs.
Literature classification r efer s to fl ow of i nfor mati on hi er ar chy, shown i n
Fi gure 2.
Level of interest tracks the i nterest l evel of the i ntended audi ence:
* Hi ghl y Techni cal (HT) i ndi cates those i tems i ntended for a reader wi th
a sophi sti cated understandi ng of the materi al presented
* Professi onal I nterest (PI) i ndi cates i tems cl earl y wri tten for a speci al -
i zed audi ence
* General Audi ence (GA) refers to publ i cati ons i ntended for those wi th
an i nterest i n the topi c.
Organization compares how the materi al i n a publ i cati on i s made known to
the user:
* Si mpl e (S) i ndi cates a tabl e of contents wi th cl earl y stated ti tl es
* Cross referenced (CR) i ndi cates a work wi th at l east two i ndexes
* Mul ti I ndexed (MI) i ndi cates a work wi th a vari ety of i ndexes (some up to
fi ve or si x)
The use of graphi cs and the frequency of publ i cati on are i ndi cated accordi ng to the
key.
7.0 Factual Summary
A fl ow of i nfor mati on exi sts to wi den the ci r cul ati on of i deas, fr om the i dea’s
gener ati on to i ts ul ti mate gener al di ssemi nati on. The fl ow of i nfor mati on i n
exposi tory wri ti ng : col l ege i nstructi on fi ts the standardi zed model . A survey of
-10-
SS: can you say
this more simply
and directly?
hint: check those
"shun" words
hyphen
unnecessary
passive
Can you unleash
a smothered
verb here?
204 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
College English P PI S N MO
CCCC J ournal P PI S N Q
Writing Instructor P PI S N Q
Research in Teaching English P HT S Y Q
Written Communication P PI S Y Q
Exercise Exchange P PI S N BA
MLA Dir. of Periodicals S PI MI M A
Abstracts of English Studies P HT S N MO
NTIS (DIALOG) S HT MI M MO
ERIC (DIALOG) S PI MI N MO
Ann. Biblio./ Texts: Wrting Skills S PI S N AR
Amer. Heritage Dictionary S GA S Y AR
Form and Style S GA S Y AR
Harbrace College Handbook S GA S Y AR
MLA Style Manual S PI S Y AR
Yearbook of English Studies S PI S Y A
Websters Coll. Thesaurus S GA S N AR
Clear Tech. Writing S PI S Y AR
Reporting Tech. Info. S PI S Y AR
Humanities: A Guide T GA MI N A
DIALOG T GA MI N AR
Walford’s Guide T GA CR N AR
Key-
Literature Classification- Primary (P)
Secondary (S) Graphics - Yes (Y)
Tertiary (T) No (N)
Level of Interest - Highly Technical (HT) Frequency of
Professional Interest (PI) Publication -
General Audience (GA) As Revised (AR)
Organization - Simple (S) Annually (A)
Cross Referenced (CR) Biannually (BA)
Multi Indexed (MI) 4x Yr. (Q)
Monthly (MO)
Figure 7. Literature Comparison
-11-
I'd call this
a table
205 Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University
-12-
fi fteen per ti nent r esour ces i n the SDSU l i br ar y shows thei r posi ti on i n the fl ow of
i nformati on and compares thei r formats.
8.0 Conclusion
Understandi ng the fl ow of i nformati on i n the fi el d of exposi tory wri ti ng wi l l benefi t
the r esear cher by pr ovi di ng access to r esour ces especi al l y desi gned for the
fi el d. Thi s report i s a gui de to those resources and an expl ai ns how al l of the
l i ter atur e i s r el ated. The r esear cher shoul d be capabl e of a mor e sophi sti cated
l evel of work as a resul t of thi s report.
9.0 Recommendations
Based on the r esear ch done on thi s pr oject, thi s r epor t r ecommends that a Basi c
Li brary Resouces (BLR) pampl et be publ i shed, on the subject of Engl i sh l anguage-
-exposi ti on, l i sti ng the resources avai l abl e i n the SDSU l i brary.
wordy
t
check use
of figures
206 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
-13-
REFERENCES
Al uri , Rao and Robi nson Judi th Schi ek. A Gui de to U.S.
Government Sci enti fi c and Techni cal Resources. Li ttl eton,
Col orado: Li brari es Unl i mi ted, I nc., 1983.
Carande, Robert. Lecture to students. Love Li brary, San Di ego
State Uni versi ty, January 10, 1991.
Grogan, Deni s. Sci ence and Technol ogy, 3rd edi ti on. London:
Cl i ve Bi ngl ey Ltd., 1978.
Houp, Kenneth W. and Thomas E. Pearsal l . Sci enti fi c and
Techni cal I nformati on Resources. New York: Marcel Dekker,
I nc., 1981.
Katz, Bi l l and Li nda Sternberg Katz. Magazi nes for Li brari es. New
York: R.R. Bowker Company, 1980.
Sheehy, E.P. Gui de to Reference Books 10th ed. Chi cago:
Ameri can Li brary Associ ati on, 1986.
Subramanyam, Kri shna. Sci enti fi c and Techni cal I nformati on
Resources. New York: Marcel Dekker, I nc., 1981.
Wal ford, A. J. Wal ford’s Gui de to Reference Materi al s. London:
The Li brary Associ ati on, 1980.
good sources
207 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Chapter 5
The Commentary of
David D. Roberts
Iowa State University
David D. Roberts is Associate Professor of English and Coordinator of
Graduate Studies at Iowa State University. He was educated at Arizona State
University, where he completed a bachelor’s degree in mathematics. He
finished his Ph.D. in 1979 and taught for ten years at the University of Wyo-
ming. In 1976 he received an Amoco Outstanding Teacher award, the first non-
tenure track faculty member ever chosen for the honor. Also, for three years he
directed the prestigious Wyoming Conference on Freshman and Sophomore
English. In 1982 he moved to Iowa State University, where he has taught
undergraduate courses in technical writing, business communications, and
composition. His graduate teaching experience at Iowa State has included
courses in composition pedagogy as well as professional and occupational
writing. His publications have appeared in The Journal of Technical Writing and
Communication and The Technical Writing Teacher. In addition to his academic
career, he works as a writing consultant in business and industry and is a
member of the Association of Professional Writing Consultants.
208 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Letter of Application and Résumé
Description of Assignment
For the letter of application and résumé assignment, I give students the
following written instructions:
Preliminary step: Find or invent an advertisement for the kind of entry-
level position you will seek after graduation. The more detailed the notice, the
better. If you are not graduating this year, project yourself and your creden-
tials into 1991 or 1992. If you are presently working, imagine you have decided
to change jobs, perhaps to obtain a promotion, secure higher pay, or find more
challenging and interesting work. Attach a copy of the ad to your assignment.
(If you plan to seek admission to a graduate school or professional program, no
such advertisement is necessary, but your letter should be specifically tuned to
the particular school or institute.)
Main step: Write a persuasive letter of application addressed to some
real person in the organization who placed the ad (above). While you are
working on this assignment, keep this real person in mind—even if you are not
actually going to send your letter to him or her. Include a résumé with your
application letter. The letter should be no longer than a page-and-a-half; the
one you turn in for evaluation must be an original typed (or laser-printed)
page, on good bond paper. Your résumé may be a high-quality photocopy of
the typed (or laser-printed) original. Remember that the appearance of your
letter and résumé will affect your readers, and remember how important
correctness is on this assignment, right down to the last comma.
Revision: I will make evaluative comments on both your letter of appli-
cation and your résumé, but I will grade only the former. After my evaluation,
you will have the option of revising your letter to improve your grade. You
may revise your résumé as well, if you’d like my feedback on it.
Explanation of Commentary
Because I chair the graduate studies committee in my own department,
I thought extended comments might be helpful to Jeff , so my terminal com-
ment is significantly longer than the norm for this assignment.
I praised Jeff for achieving an unusual degree of specificity because
that’s something most students have trouble with—they rely on boiler-plated
phrases that fail to achieve the most significant rhetorical goal of a letter of
application: differentiation from the competition.
This letter was the first version turned in (see assignment), and even so
Jeff’s was quite good. For that reason I went into detail about the minor strate-
209 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
gic issues, and detailed the stylistic concerns. In other words, he was ready for
some “fine points” even at this early stage of the semester.
I made no marginal comments on the résumé (vita) because I would
have had to virtually re-do the page to demonstrate my points. I thought it
better to give Jeff some general directions and let him “play” with the layout. I
grade only the letters, and not the résumés, for three reasons: 1) I have found
that students get quite attached to the format preferred in their individual
areas, and insist they “have” to follow it; 2) despite my years of experience in
business and technical writing courses, I still feel much more confident in
evaluating writing than I do documents with heavy visual elements; 3) I once
had a polite but embarrassing confrontation with a student whose résumé I had
covered with red marks and given a grade of C-, not knowing that he had
already sent it out and received more interview offers than all of his peers.
210 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
103 N. Frankl i n #5
Ames, I A 50010
September 12, 1990
Dr. Ri chard J. Davi dson
Department of Psychol ogy
W.J. Brogden Psychol ogy Bl dg.
Uni versi ty of Wi sconsi n
Madi son, WI 53706
Dear Dr. Davi dson:
I am a seni or i n psychol ogy at I owa State Uni versi ty and pl an
to conti nue my academi c career i nto graduate school . Duri ng
my educati on at I owa State, I have become aware of your work
on hemi spheri c substrates of emoti on. After readi ng your
arti cl es on thi s subject i n the Handbook of Neuropsychology,
Vol . 3, and i n Emotions, Cognition, and Behavior, my i nterest
was greatl y i ncreased. Because of your i nteresti ng work, and
al so because of the commi tment to excel l ence of your fi ne
uni versi ty, I woul d l i ke to work and study wi th you i n the
Human Psychophysi ol ogy program.
I n May of next year I wi l l graduate from I SU. I have gai ned
a sol i d background i n psychol ogy wi th courses that i ncl ude
brai n and behavi or, l earni ng and memory, moti vati on,
cogni ti on. Before my change i n major to psychol ogy, my
trai ni ng i n engi neeri ng provi ded an el ementary background
i n physi cs, el ectroni cs, and computer operati on and
programmi ng. Thi s knowl edge adds to my psychol ogy
coursework i n research methodol ogy and desi gn, computer
appl i cati ons, and stati sti cs to provi de a basi c foundati on
whi ch woul d be useful i n psychophysi ol ogi cal research. My
grade poi nt average, four semesters on the Dean’s Li st, and
GRE scores refl ect both my commi tment to academi c pursui ts
and my potenti al for graduate work.
My formal cl assroom educati on has been suppl emented by my
i nvol vement i n vari ous research projects. Extracurri cul ar
readi ngs on cerebral l ateral i zati on under the gui dance of
Professor Mi chael O’Boyl e l ed to my i nvol vement i n one of hi s
research projects, an EEG study focusi ng on hemi spheri c
2
make it active
voice?
this might make a better opener
are these
course titles?
refer to your
résumé
here?
blah?
another
weak opener?
another nice
"stroke" for
the reader
good strategy;
the degree of
detail is
impressive
211 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
di fferences precoci ous youth and normal yough concerni ng
the recogni ti on of emoti onal expressi on. Furthermore, I have ai ded
Professors Veroni ca Dark and Cami l l a Benbow i n rel ated research
on the cogni ti ve capaci ti es of verbal l y and mathemati cal l y preco-
ci ous youth. Thi s i nvol vement has gi ven me a taste of psychol ogi cal
research and has rei nforced my deci si on to pursue a research career
i n cerebral l ateral i zati on.
I n addi ti on to my educati onal qual i fi cati ons, I have worked at
the Uni versi ty Li brary shel vi ng books. Thi s job has made me
fami l i ar wi th the faci l i ti es and resources of a research l i brary.
I bel i eve thi s knowl edge wi l l be of si gni fi cant val ue for doi ng re-
search i n graduate school .
Encl osed i n thi s communi cati on i s a resume and appl i cati on
form. I have arranged for my transcri pts, l etters of
recommendati on, and GRE scores to be sent to your Graduate
Offi ce. I know that competi ti on for posi ti ons i n your program i s
ri gorous and I appreci ate your consi derati on of my
appl i cati on.
Si ncerel y yours,
Jeff Pi tzen
don't you
want to
ask for
some
specific
action from
Dr. Davidson?
combine &
tighten?
212 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
JEFF PI TZEN
103 N. Frankl i n #5
Ames, I A 50010
(515) 292-4997
PROFESSI ONAL To conti nue my educati on i n graduate school and do
OBJECTI VE research i n cerebral l ateral i zati on.
EDUCATI ON I owa State Uni versi ty, Ames, I owa. B.S. i n Psychol ogy
expected May, 1991. 1986-1988 Engi neeri ng program
at I owa State. Accumul ated grade-poi nt-average 3.33 (5/90)
GRE scores: Verbal 620, Quanti tati ve 680, Anal yti cal 710
SPECI ALI ZED Brai n and Behavi or, Percepti on, Learni ng and Memory,
COURSES Moti vati on, Cogni ti on, Research Desi gn and Methodol ogy,
Computer Appl i cati ons i n Psychol ogy, Stati sti cs 101
RESEARCH I nvol ved wi th research on rel ati onshi ps between cerebral
l ateral i zati on and emoti onal percepti on i n precoci ous and
normal youths and rel ated research focusi ng on short-
term memory capaci ti es of verbal l y and mathemati cal l y
precoci ous youth.
HONORS Dean’s Li st four semesters
WORK Northcrest Reti rement Communi ty, Ames, I A
EXPERI ENCE Worked as ki tchen ai de. Duti es i ncl uded washi ng di shes,
servi ng meal s, ai di ng cook i n food preparati on. Worked as
mai ntenance man and groundskeeper duri ng summers.
Duti es i ncl uded mowi ng l awns and general
groundskeepi ng, pai nti ng apartments, and odd jobs.
I owa State Uni versi ty Li brary, Ames, I A
Duti es i ncl uded shel vi ng books.
ACTI VI TI ES Treasurer for dormi tory fl oor. Responsi bi l i ti es i ncl uded
drafti ng a budget and al l ocati ng funds.
I NTERESTS Musi c, movi es, readi ng.
REFERENCES Professor Mi chael W. O’Boyl e, W151 Lagomarci no Hal l
Psychol ogy Department, I owa State Uni versi ty, Ames, I A
50011 (515)294-8045
Professor Cami l l a P. Benbow, W169 Lagomarci no Hal l
Psychol ogy Department, I owa State Uni versi ty, Ames, I A
50011 (515) 294-0285
Professor Veroni ca J. Dark, W153 Lagomarci no Hal l
Psychol ogy Department, I owa State Uni versi ty, Ames, I A
50011 (515)294-1688
213 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Comments :
Letter
You’ve empl oyed a number of excel l ent persuasi ve strategi es i n your l etter. I
thi nk your references to Dr. Davi dson’s research i n the fi rst paragraph i s a fi ne
“hook,” and your return to the theme of research i n the two subsequent para-
graphs shows that you understand what graduate school i s al l about. I al so
appreci ate the l evel of speci fi ci ty you achi eve i n the second paragraph—you real l y
show the breadth and depth of your preparati on, i nstead of just cl ai mi ng i t.
Si mi l arl y, bei ng abl e to ci te i ndi vi dual facul ty members wi th whom you’ve worked
i s certai n to be an effecti ve sel l i ng poi nt.
I n terms of strategy, however, the l etter “fades” a l i ttl e at the end. For i nstance, I
thi nk i t’s OK to menti on your l i brary work experi ence, but unl ess you can beef up
paragraph 4 somehow i t’s goi ng to sound pretty l ame compared to the hi gh-
powered paragraphs that precede i t. As an al ternati ve, coul d you perhaps move i t
to a posi ti on of l ess emphasi s?
As for your cl osi ng paragraph, don’t you want some speci fi c acti on from Dr.
Davi dson? Even i f he i s favorabl y i mpressed by your l etter, you don’t want hi m to
just bury i t on hi s desk, or si mpl y pass i t al ong to some commi ttee chai r. So how
about aski ng hi m to be your advocate to the graduate admi ssi ons commi ttee? Or
perhaps you coul d ask hi m to wri te back to gi ve you some i dea of your chances for
acceptance i n the program?
My onl y other suggesti ons for i mprovement are styl i sti c ones:
1) Whi l e your openi ng paragraph i s a strong one i n content, i t starts wi th a
“canned” opener, and conveys no surpri si ng i nformati on. Try starti ng wi th the
second sentence and see what you get. Paragraph 2 suffers from the same thi ng.
Can you thi nk of a phrase that wi l l sel l your educati on i nstead of just announci ng
i t?
2) I s the catal ogue of coursework you ci te i n paragraph 2 a l i st of actual course
ti tl es? I f so, they probabl y shoul d be capi tal i zed. Al so, there may be some
confusi on about the groupi ng because you seem to have omi tted a comma before
the l ast el ement i n the seri es.
3) Try to get ri d of at l east two of the three weak “Thi s” structures your l etter
contai ns.
Resume
Though your vita contai ns favorabl e i nformati on about you, the sol i d paragraph
format you use renders that i nformati on l ess accessi bl e than i t shoul d be. My
214 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
pri mary advi ce i s to use bul l ets, i ndents, underl i nes, and spaci ng to more effec-
ti vel y l ay out the materi al under EDUCATI ON, SPECI ALI ZED COURSES (whi ch
probabl y shoul d be a sub-category under EDUCATI ON), and RESEARCH, even i f
you have to cut down on the materi al under WORK EXPERI ENCE. The audi ence
for thi s document wi l l be gl ad to know you’ve hel d part-ti me jobs whi l e i n school ,
but they wi l l care very l i ttl e about your responsi bi l i ti es as a ki tchen ai de and
groundskeeper. You coul d al so save some space by l i sti ng al l three of your refer-
ences wi th thei r common departmental address, si nce i ndi vi dual offi ce numbers
and phone numbers are not cruci al .
215 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Instructions
Description of Assignment
For this assignment, I give students the following written instructions:
Preliminary step: Invent a situation that calls for you to write a set of
instructions. The goal should be to enable your readers to operate some device
or perform a process used in your professional field. Describe the situation in a
paragraph or three and attach a copy to your paper.
Main task: Write the instructions. The procedure must involve at least
12 steps and should guide your readers through some specific process that
your classmates or your instructor could actually perform. Avoid writing
generic instructions for performing a general procedure. For example, do not
write instructions for “Operating a Mimeograph Machine,” but rather “Instruc-
tions for Operating the Harley-Davidson Model SZX Mimeograph.” Be sure to
divide (or segment) the overall procedure into groups of steps, rather than
presenting all the steps in a single list. Pay careful attention to the visual
design of your finished document. You must include at least one illustration,
and you must use at least two degrees of headings. If you like, you may use a
multi-column page design. One other thing: the instructions must be accurate.
Revision: I will make evaluative comments on your set of instructions,
including a letter grade. After my evaluation and our subsequent class discus-
sion, you will have the opportunity to revise your instructions to improve your
grade.
Explanation of Commentary
Patty’s first version of the bathing instructions was a strong completion
of the assignment, but under "The Sponge Bath" she had 18 separate steps, only
two of them broken down into sub-steps. I suggested that she try to find three
or four major sub-steps of the actual bathing process, and use those to chunk
the instructions further. I also suggested getting rid of the numbers and using
bullets or other markers under the chunks she decided on. Clearly, she made
good use of this advice—the instructions are much more reader-friendly now.
On many sets of instructions (even on the revisions) I have to spend a
lot of time talking about the appropriate degree of specificity. When students
write instructions for a process with which they’re very familiar, they have a
difficult time putting themselves in the reader’s place. As a result, they some-
times short-change certain details, not realizing that a truly unpracticed reader
might have further questions that they themselves would not think of. There
are a couple of places in Patty’s instructions where I might have asked for
216 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
further specificity (for instance, “. . . and style [the baby’s hair] as desired”
might leave some readers hanging). But given the scope of the assignment,
and the overall success of Patty’s paper, I did not want to belabor such a com-
paratively minor point.
Crisp prose is harder to talk about and harder to achieve in sets of
instructions, since the document’s flow is controlled more by logical flow than
by linguistic cohesion. Also, writing stylistic comments on a revised document
can be tricky, particularly since the student may not have another chance to
practice. But Patty is a very motivated (and savvy) writer, and I knew she
would be receptive to the stylistic comments and suggestions I made. So even
though this was our last exchange about the set of instructions, I noted that
Patty used the “cause-effect syntax” technique on at least two of her subse-
quent papers.
217 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
SET OF INSTRUCTIONS
English 314
October 18, 1990
Patricia Harms
The Situation
Patient eduction is a major portion of my job as
a labor and delivery nurse. Not only do I teach new
moms how to care for themselves during their post-partum
period, but I also teach new moms and dads how to care
for a brand new baby. These people receive a lot of
information in a very short period of time. To aid
memory retention, and to serve as a reference at home,
the labor and delivery nurses provide numerous hand-outs
to our patients.
At present, the hand-out given to new parents on
bathing a newborn is very sketchy and hard to follow.
The following set of instructions was written to help ease
first-time parents through one potentially stressful
situation --- their baby's first sponge bathes at home.
I guess I forgot to
mark these on your previous
draft – and apparently
you didn't spot 'em either!
oops!
Editor's Note: The illustrations referred to in this assignment are seven line
drawings from A. Eisenberg, H. Murkoff, and S. Hathaway, What to Expect the
First Year (New York: Workman Publishing, 1989). Permission to reprint these
illustrations was denied by the publisher.
218 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
BATHING YOUR NEWBORN BABY
As a first-time parent, you will be learning many new
skills about baby care. The following set of instructions
was designed to help ease you through one procedure -- your
baby's first sponge bathes at home.
Keep in mind the following tips:
* Sponge bathe your baby until the navel heals.
The cord will fall off in 7 - 10 days. Healing
takes 2 weeks to 1 month.
* Bathe your baby at least every third day. Wash
the baby's creases every day with plain warm water.
* Read through all of the instructions before you
start, so you will be able to work more quickly.
* Working quickly is the most important feature of
a sponge bath. Babies dislike being undressed,
and dislike being cold even more!
* Your baby will most likely cry during the bath.
That's okay; crying will not hurt your baby. If
the baby starts getting too upset, just take a
break and cuddle her until she calms down.
A) Preparation
1) You will need:
• gentle soap and shampoo
• washcloth and cotton balls
• clean diaper and clothing
• 2 bathtowels and 1 receiving blanket
• soft bristled brush
• basin of warm water
• sink
2) Do not use:
• baby powder (it is harmful to baby's lungs)
• baby oils or lotions (they cause clogging of your
baby's skin)
B) Choose A Bath Site
1) Choose a room that is comfortable for you and the baby.
2) Work at an area that is comfortable for you and the
baby.
• the changing table
• the kitchen table covered with a soft, terry towel
• your bed protected with a rubber pad and towel
• the floor (as long as there aren't any drafts)
very important (?)
could this use further explanation?
(I see a potential question: "How soft?")
Note my minor alterations to
make your major headings parallel.
(B and C)
Equipment
wrong title?
the parenthetical explanations here work well
omit?
219 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
I like
the tone
here
Bathing Your Newborn Baby Page
2
C) Getting Ready
1) Collect all of your supplies before you start. Once
you start bathing your baby, she cannot be left
unattended.
2) Think ahead to prevent some unwanted interruptions.
For example, turn on the answering machine if you have
one.
D) The Sponge Bath
1) Getting Started
• Undress your baby and
lay her on the towel
you plan to work on.
• Leave the baby's diaper
under her to help catch
any "accidents" (see
figure one).
2) Washing Her Face
• Without using any soap,
first wash the baby's
eyes. Using a moistened
cotton ball or the corner
of a wrung out washcloth
wipe from inside to out-
side with one firm stroke.
• Use a clean cotton ball
or a new washcloth corner
for the other eye.
• Wash your baby's face
without soap.
• Wash your baby's ears.
Do not use Q-tips! What
you cannot reach with the
twisted corner of a wash-
cloth, you don't need to
clean.
• Rinse your washcloth and
wring it out thoroughly.
3) Washing Her Body
• Wash around your baby's
cord well, still not
using any soap.
• Remove the diaper from
under your baby (see
figure 2).
reverse the
sentence
order (for
more emphasis)?
use numeral
Preparation
(?)
good
1
reverse the
phrase
order?
(see why?)
Covering your baby's bottom
half while you wash the top,
will help keep the baby warm.
Leaving the diaper under
your baby will help catch
any "accidents."
figure 1
insert Figure 1 here
insert Figure 2 here
figure 2
220 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
reverse the
phrase
order for
emphasis?
(note cause-
effect
structure)
Bathing Your Newborn Baby Page
3
• Wet the rest of the baby's
body (except the diaper
area) and lather with soap.
• Rinse the soap off your baby
with clean, warm water. It
works well to wring the wash-
cloth over the baby to help
you rinse off the soap.
• Using a soft, patting motion,
dry off your baby with a towel.
4) Washing The Genital Area
(see figure 3)
• Girls: Wash from
front to back. White or
pinkish vaginal discharge
is normal and should not be
scrubbed away.
• Circumcised Boys: Wash
the penis and scrotum well.
The yellowish discharge around
circumcised area is normal
and should not be scrubbed away.
• Uncircumcised Boys: Wash
the penis and scrotum well.
Do not attempt to retract your
baby's foreskin. Plan to
discuss this with your pediatrician
at your baby's 2 week check-up.
5) Drying Her Off
• Wrap your baby up in a dry
towel and dry thoroughly.
• Keep her wrapped in the
towel for the shampoo.
6) Shampooing Her Hair
• Do this last because the head
is the area of greatest heat
loss (see figure 4).
• Wet the baby's head using
warm, running water.
• Apply shampoo and lather.
good specifity
will the repetition (one adjective,
one verb) cause ambiguity?
The baby's bottom is the
dirtiest and should be washed
last to prevent spreading
any germs.
The football hold will allow
you to hang on to the baby
securely while you wash her
hair.
insert Figure 3 here
insert Figure 4 here
figure 3
figure 4
221 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Bathing Your Newborn Baby Page
4
• Stimulate the baby's scalp
with a soft bristled brush.
• Rinse your baby's head with
warm water.
• Dry her hair with a towel
and style as desired.
7) Finishing Up
• Diaper your clean baby and
apply creme or ointment to
her bottom if necessary.
• Put a clean outfit on your
baby.
• Swaddle your baby in a
receiving blanket and cuddle
her for a job well done (see
figures 5, 6, & 7)!
I still feel that visually this
is
left hanging: the nice closure
you have gets buried in a
bulleted substep. As an
alternative, how about some
kind of summary?
Illustrations borrowed from:
Eisenberg, A., Murkoff, H.,
& Hathaway, S. (1989). What
to Expect the First Year.
New York: Workman Publishing.
After you tuck the right
corner around the baby, tuck
up the bottom corner.
To swaddle your baby, lay
her on a receiving blanket
with the top corner turned down.
Finish by pulling the fourth
corner around the baby.
figure 5
figure 6
figure 7
insert Figure 5 here
insert Figure 7 here
insert Figure 6 here
222 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Comments:
You’ve done an excel l ent job ti dyi ng up your set of i nstructi ons and maki ng them
more reader-fri endl y and more vi sual l y appeal i ng. I want to say agai n how much I
l i ke the strategy of putti ng some key “warni ngs” up front. These wi l l no doubt
save your anxi ous readers (and thei r babi es) a l ot of gri ef. As we’ve di scussed, the
two-col umn format i s parti cul arl y useful for i nstructi ons of thi s type, and you do a
fi ne job of usi ng hi erarchi cal cuei ng to gui de the reader through the vari ous steps
and sub-steps. I appreci ate the l abel s on the fi gures, too—si mpl e thi ngs l i ke that
can real l y hel p your readers.
I questi oned the “soft bri stl ed brush” onl y because some readers mi ght need to
know how soft. We have to assume they woul dn’t use an i ndustri al -strength
cl eani ng brush on the baby, but a sl i ghtl y more speci fi c descri pti on woul d anti ci -
pate possi bl e questi ons.
You’l l note that I ’ve suggested phrase-order changes i n a few pl aces. You may
remember that we tal ked i n cl ass about how an i dea can be emphasi zed by preced-
i ng i t wi th a subordi nate cl ause, parti cul arl y i f there’s a cause-effect rel ati onshi p.
So the fi rst poi nt under Getti ng Ready [Preparati on] can be strengthened, I thi nk,
by fi rst maki ng the poi nt about not bei ng abl e to l eave the baby unattended so the
i nstructi on about col l ecti ng al l suppl i es before starti ng becomes an effect of that
cause: “Because you cannot l eave your baby unattended once you start the bath,
be sure to col l ect al l your suppl i es before you begi n.” You can achi eve the same
ki nd of effect i n the fi rst bul l et under Shampooi ng Her Hai r: “Because the head i s
the area of greatest heat l oss, do the hai r l ast.” See what I mean?
223 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Proposal
Description of Assignment
The proposal is part of a sequence of assignments that culminate in a
final document turned in at the end of the semester. For that reason there is no
proposal assignment per se. Rather than reprint the entire five-page Major
Project assignment here, I provide below the paragraphs that explain the
purpose of the project, specify the audience parameters, and discuss a couple of
hypothetical examples of proposal-writing situations:
Purpose
The project should attempt to answer a question, solve a problem, or fulfill a
need by presenting information gathered or generated by you personally. It is
not intended (necessarily) to be a library-research assignment; however, library
research might serve to supplement your data or to provide necessary back-
ground or documentation. The situation that works best for the MP is one for
which the final deliverable is a recommendation report; but I’ve also had very
successful projects that concluded with brochures, manuals, sets of instruc-
tions, and even proposals.
Many students choose to use work they are doing (or have already
done) in another class, and this is perfectly acceptable. However, it may be
necessary to “adapt” this other work. For example, you may need to invent a
fictional situation and refocus the central question or problem in order to give
the MP document a realistic context.
Audience
The MP document must be written for primary readers who are not
experts in the field. The document may be aimed at a multiple audience, but
the bulk of it must be readable for non-specialists. If you are adapting materi-
als from another class, this audience requirement may mean that you will have
to consider your readers very carefully; the readers specified in the MP assign-
ment may have very different needs than, say, a professor in your major field.
You will define your audience precisely when you submit your proposal.
The Formal Proposal
Your proposal will grow out of the situation you design for your MP.
In it, you will attempt to receive permission to carry out the research, observa-
tions, or experimentation that you plan to use later to create your final docu-
ment. For example, if your project involved a consulting study, your proposal
would be written to the host company’s management, trying to convince them
224 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
to hire your consulting firm to do the work. If your project involved carrying
out a laboratory experiment, your proposal might be a grant-application to a
funding agency. If your project involved designing a quality-assurance pro-
gram for a box-manufacturing company, your proposal would be aimed at
management decision-makers and would have to show them why you could
do a better design job than somebody else.
Explanation of Commentary
Leslie’s proposal revision really was a remarkable improvement over
the first version she turned in, primarily for the reasons I covered in the first
paragraph of my remarks. The original document was significantly shorter
than the new one, so I knew she had taken to heart my mini-lecture on persua-
sion through specifics (as opposed to relying on safe, formulaic generaliza-
tions). Many students have trouble with proposals because they are in fact
writing about a study or a project that they have not fully thought out—a
situation much less likely to occur on the job. I usually spend a lot of time
urging them to increase the degree of detail in their proposals precisely be-
cause that forces them to think more carefully—more concretely—about what
they’re proposing.
I emphasize Background sections when I teach proposals because in
that situation the “client” must be convinced that the writer thoroughly under-
stands the problem or need. I mentioned the Benefits section because in her
original proposal Leslie had put the Benefits right after the Background, which
virtually destroyed their effectiveness in the persuasive scheme.
Even though I awarded this paper a very high grade, I knew that Leslie
had reached the point where she would be interested in—and receptive to—
fine-tuning concerns. Thus I’ve actually offered alternative word-choices
instead of just raising questions, as I might have done were this paper to
undergo further revision.
225 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
1320 Truman Place
Omaha, NE 68137
( 402) 365-4216
Ms. Sandra Pri tchard
Vi ce-Presi dent for Publ i c Rel ati ons
Carefree Chi l d Daycare Centers, I nc.
457 Li ncol n Tower
Boston, MA 11346
Dear Ms. Pri tchard:
To provi de parents and caregi vers wi th the i nformati on and
moti vati on necessary to i ncrease readi ng and comprehensi on ski l l s,
as wel l as demonstrate several other benefi ts of readi ng wi th
chi l dren, Learn For Li fe, I nc., proposes to devel op excl usi vel y for
your fi rm a brochure enti tl ed The Need to Read.
BACKGROUND
The Nati onal Department of Educati on has reported that i n the past
ten years the average scores on standardi zed achi evement tests
have conti nued to decl i ne, despi te efforts to rai se them. Whi l e these
scores are not the fi nal goal of educati onal processes, they are a good
i ndi cati on of how wel l a student’s ski l l s are devel opi ng. Because
readi ng and comprehensi on ski l l s are an essenti al part of the
l earni ng process, thei r mastery i s vi tal i n attai ni ng hi gher l evel s of
thi nki ng.
I f hi gher order thought i s not attai nabl e as the resul t of i nadequate
readi ng and comprehensi on abi l i ti es, the consequences can be far-
reachi ng. I l l i teracy, for exampl e, i s one of our nati on’s bi ggest
probl ems. The i nabi l i ty to read and wri te at a mi ni mum l evel has
caused more and more peopl e to avoi d hi gher educati on and seek
l ow ski l l ed, l ow payi ng jobs, many of whi ch are bei ng repl aced by
technol ogi cal advances. The resul t i s i ncreased unempl oyment and
a sufferi ng economy.
are jobs
being
replaced
by advances?
(idiom
problem)
OK – thanks
for putting
it up front
good use
of cause-
effect syntax
for emphasis
do you
have any
statistics
on this?
226 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
2
Now i s the ti me when everyone, especi al l y those who deal wi th
chi l dren, must search for means to reverse these trends i n order to
promote the overal l l earni ng process of future generati ons.
Through the brochure you wi sh to create, your company i s
attempti ng to have some posi ti ve i mpact on the rai si ng of
educati onal achi evement among Ameri ca’s youth. Learn For Li fe,
I nc. al so real i zes the i mportance of thi s project and l ooks forward to
contri buti ng i ts knowl edge and experi ence.
OBJ ECTI VES OF P ROP OSED SOLUTI ON
The brochure we propose to devel op wi l l be avai l abl e i n al l Carefree
Chi l d Daycare Centers nati onwi de and wi l l achi eve the fol l owi ng
objecti ves:
1. To i nform parents and caregi vers of the benefi ts of readi ng
wi th chi l dren.
2. To moti vate parents and caregi vers to actual l y read wi th
chi l dren on a regul ar basi s.
DETAI LS OF P ROP OSED SOLUTI ON
Devel opment of thi s brochure i nvol ves fi ve phases: 1) research, 2)
wri ti ng and revi si on, 3) sampl e testi ng, 4) fi nal revi ew, and 5) fi nal
pri nti ng.
RESEARCH
Learn For Li fe, I nc. wi l l conduct extensi ve research concerni ng the
benefi ts of readi ng wi th chi l dren. We wi l l i ntervi ew professi onal
educators, admi ni strators, and psychol ogi sts and ask them exactl y
how readi ng affects soci al and cogni ti ve devel opment. We wi l l al so
ask what methods are most effecti ve for i ncreasi ng the qual i ty of the
readi ng experi ence, as wel l as determi ni ng parental gui del i nes for
i nformal readi ng and l i steni ng i nstructi on. We wi l l study the most
credi bl e sources of recent research, such as journal s, arti cl es, and
reports, and wi l l use a vari ety of books to gai n background
i nformati on.
quite a
lofty
goal
name a few
specific sources
in case some
readers are experts
in the field?
wrong
tense?
use company
name here?
(tone)
"fully"
?
227 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
3
WRI TI NG & REVI SI ON
I wi l l desi gn and create the brochure mysel f. I pl an to make i t
hi ghl y i nformati ve yet i nteresti ng tol read, and the tone wi l l be
persuasi ve but al so concerned and cari ng. Three of our fi rm’s top
consul tants wi l l revi ew the fi rst draft and make suggesti ons for
i mprovement. After I revi se the brochure, sampl es wi l l be pri nted
for testi ng.
TESTI NG
To survey the effects of the brochure, the sampl es wi l l be di stri buted
to 30 sets of parents randoml y chosen from the pre-school i n the
area. These parents wi l l fi l l out response forms before and after
readi ng the brochure. The forms wi l l be desi gned to measure the
i ncrease i n knowl edge and i ntenti ons of readi ng wi th thei r chi l dren
as a resul t of the brochure.
FI NAL REVI EW
After studyi ng the response forms, I wi l l make further revi si ons i n
the brochure, and then submi t i t to you for fi nal approval . At your
conveni ence, we wi l l meet to di scuss any concerns you have, or
changes you wi sh to propose. Gi ven Carefree’s cl ose i nvol vement
wi th parents on a dai l y basi s, your i nput wi l l be hi ghl y useful i n
tai l ori ng the brochure for i ts i ntended audi ence. The fi nal versi on
we produce at thi s poi nt wi l l then be ready for pri nti ng and
di stri buti on.
PRI NTI NG
The fi nal brochure wi l l be produced by the pri nti ng company of your
choi ce. Learn For Li fe has done much of i ts pri nti ng busi ness wi th
Copi es R Us, I nc., because we have found thei r qual i ty of servi ce to
be superi or. I recommend that the brochure be typeset so as not to
exceed 20 pages, as parents may not bother to pi ck i t up i t they
thi nk i t too ti me-consumi ng to read. The choi ce of col ors wi l l al so be
yours, though I woul d suggest the col ors used on Carefree’s corporate
l ogo.
] [
"those"?
good
"stroke"
should you
submit it
to the
firm?
omit?
228 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
sp
4
SCHEDULE
The fi nal brochure wi l l be compl eted i n fi ve weeks. Our suggested
ti me l i ne fol l ows:
• Research Week 1
• Wri ti ng & Revi si on Week 2
• Testi ng Week 3
• Fi nal Revi ew Week 4
• Pri nti ng Week 5
QUALI FI CATI ONS
Learn For Li fe, I nc., has bui l d i ts nati onal reputati on on the f
oundati on of dependabi l i ty and dedi cati on to our cl i ents. We
undertake those projects we feel wi l l enhance the educati onal process
and i ncrease cri ti cal thi nki ng ski l l s. We are a si ncere group of
commi ted professi onal s whose common goal i s the conti nued
advancement of educati on.
As a member of thi s dedi cated team, I recei ved my Ph.D. i n
Educati onal Psychol ogy from I owa State Uni versi ty. I n addi ti on, I
have the experi ence of produci ng several successful brochures and
pamphl ets for the I owa Department of Educati on. I feel thi s
knowl edge and experi ence, combi ned wi th the cari ng and supporti ve
atti tude of Learn For Li fe, I nc., wi l l ensure that the proposed
brochure wi l l exceed your hi ghest expectati ons.
COST
Our standard rate for the proposed work i s $400 per day, pl us
reasonabl e expenses. Di stri buted among the 87 Carefree Chi l d
Centers across the country, the cost per center comes to l ess than $70
per center, not counti ng actual pri nti ng and del i very costs. After thi s
i ni ti al i nvestment, of course, you may reproduce copi es as you wi sh.
The devel opment costs are one- ti me, and wi l l gi ve you a prototype
for years to come.
best
phrasing?
modifier
question
"delivered"?
are you sure
this says
what you
want it to?
"These one-time development costs will give . . ."?
229 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
5
BENEFI TS
When l ooki ng at the posi ti ve resul ts of the proposed brochure, i t i s
most i mportant to see that Carefree Chi l d Centers i s i nvesti ng not
onl y i n the future of i ndi vi dual chi l dren, but al so i n the future of
Ameri ca, because soci ety ul ti matel y gai ns from the i ncreased produc-
ti ve capaci ty of i ts ci ti zens. Second, i n maki ng avai l abl e a qual i ty
brochure of thi s ti me, your company shows parents that you care
deepl y about thei r chi l dren—your real cl i ents. Thi rd, Carefree wi l l
been seen not onl y as a cari ng and acti ve company, but al so as a
forerunner i n educati onal i mprovement. Fi nal l y, when greater
i nterest i n readi ng devel ops as a resul t of the brochure, more readi ng
wi l l actual l y take pl ace i n your centers, thereby decreasi ng or
preventi ng boredom and resul ti ng behavi or probl ems.
* * *
Because we vi ew oursel ves as a progressi ve consul ti ng fi rm, Learn
For Li fe, I nc., i s eager to begi n work on a project as i mportant as
yours. We are concerned wi th the educati on of young chi l dren and
are qual i fi ed to assi st i n that goal by devel opi ng for you a superi or
brochure that wi l l be ready for di strubuti on wel l ahead of the
hol i days.
Ms. Pri tchard, thank you for thi s opportuni ty, and pl ease feel free to
contact me i f you have any questi ons.
Si ncerel y,
Lesl i e A. Hansen
Educati onal Consul tant
wordy–
can you
see how to
tighten it?
Yes! It works much better, I
think,
to put Benefits here.
230 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Comments:
You have done a marvel ous job of revi si on. Cl earl y, you pi cked up a number of
poi nters from our cl ass di scussi on of the proposal -drafts, and you seem to have a
much better handl e on the generi c structure of proposal s. I parti cul arl y l i ke the
expanded Background secti on because i t l ends a degree of i nterest and l egi ti macy
to the probl em-component, whi ch was not the case i n your previ ous versi on. I al so
l i ke the strategy of Benefi ts l ast, whi ch I bel i eve adds si gni fi cant punch to the
proposal ’s persuasi ve stance.
I asked you about tone on page 2 because “your company” may sound generi c at a
poi nt i n the document when you want to cement your rel ati onshi p wi th the reader.
The tense questi on on the same page occurs because you momentari l y forget the
requi si te narrati ve stance for proposal s.
I have al so asked a few very pi cky word-choi ce questi ons, because you are ready for
that ki nd of “fi ne tuni ng.” Note especi al l y the i di omati c questi on at the bottom of
page 1—that one’s not opti onal because I thi nk you’ve i nadvertentl y skewed the
meani ng.
I appreci ate the effort you’ve made i n revi si ng thi s assi gnment. Keep up the good
work.
231 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
My assignment for the analytical report is based on a case exercise from
Paul Anderson’s Technical Writing: A Reader-Centered Approach (New York:
Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987, pp. 45-47). The case addresses a manufactur-
ing company’s need for a new forklift. The plant manager has asked the
production engineer to make a recommendation; the production engineer has
directed an assistant to investigate two forklifts and to write up the results of
this research in a brief report. The assistant’s notes on each forklift are in-
cluded in the exercise. I give students the following additional instructions:
Task: Write the assistant’s report. Operate under the assumption that
your boss is the type who likes to think he/she makes all the decisions, and
does not want you to include a recommendation. Additionally, assume that
your boss is not very good at oral presentations, is nervous when dealing with
the plant manager, and will probably use your report as a script when he/she
presents the final recommendation about which forklift to buy. You should
feel free to add details, or information in other categories, provided you do not
directly contradict the notes.
Explanation of Commentary
We had spent a significant amount of class time discussing the stu-
dents’ first draft of this report, and considerable attention was given to the idea
of “significance.” This term emerged from our discussion of the goals of the
document, particularly as they related to the audience considerations. Many
students came to understand that just laying out the information in a logical
and readable fashion might not be enough. Therefore I wanted to praise Brent
for having included “significance” statements that responded to the crucial
goal of helping his reader distinguish between the two choices.
Because this assignment came early in the term, we hadn’t devoted
much time to the role of graphical elements in technical communications, so
my comments about the tables are minimal, serving mainly to alert the student
to things we’d cover later.
As for stylistic concerns, Brent is a typical “good” writer who hasn’t yet
learned to sharpen his expression so his prose will be more readable and have
greater impact. Class discussion of stylistic matters is fine, but I’ve long be-
lieved the greatest benefits come when I actually show students how particular
passages might be improved. Since there would be no more feedback unless
Brent came in to discuss his paper (and he did not), I make no apologies for my
emendations.
232 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Date: September 30, 1990
To: Dave Rupp, Producti on Manager
From: Brent Cul ver, Project Engi neer
Subject: Stati sti cal i nformati on for producti on forkl i fts
Here i s the i nformati on you requested on the two producti on
forkl i fts under consi derati on for purchase. Thi s purchase i s
necessary because the present l i ft has fai l ed and repl acement
parts are unavai l abl e. I compared the two l i fts on the basi s of
physi cal features, dependabi l i ty, and cost effecti veness. The gas
l i ft was found to cost $11,770 l ess than the el ectri c l i ft over a ten
year peri od, whi l e al so bei ng fl exi bl e enough to accommodate
i ncreased demands due to company growth.
PHYSI CAL FEATURES
The two forkl i fts were physi cal l y compared agai nst features of
the present producti on forkl i ft. These resul ts are l i sted i n Tabl e
1. As you can see, both forkl i fts exceed present l i ft
requi rements i n al l categori es except maxi mum l i ft hei ght. Here
the el ectri c l i ft i s i nsuffi ci ent by 2 ft. A ramp coul d be
i mpl emented to compensate for thi s defi ci ency. However, thi s
does not al l ow for an i ncreased demand i n l i ft hei ght whi ch may
accompany process growth. By provi di ng doubl e the l oad
capaci ty of the el ectri c l i ft and a 12 ft. l i ft hei ght, the gas l i ft wi l l
al l ow for the maxi mum process growth possi bl e. The abi l i ty to
i ncrease producti on capaci ty wi l l al l ow the company to expand
i ts sal es and become more competi ti ve.
The speed of both l i fts meets the producti on requi rement.
However, onl y the gas l i ft can be governed to a speed that i s
suffi ci ent for producti on whi l e mai ntai ni ng a standard of safety
i n the work area. Thi s standard i s necessary to mi ni mi ze the
ri sk of i njury to workers and possi bl e l osses i n product damage
due to hi gh speed acci dents.
] [
"resulting from excessive
speed"?
exprs?
good theme
unnecessary?
why passsive
voice here?
putting some
key results
up front is
good strategy,
I think
"As you know"?
(reader's feel-
ings)
233 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
2
Ta ble 1: P h ysi ca l Fea t u r es
Category Present Li ft El ectri c Li ft Gas Li ft
Capaci ty 600 1000 2000
(Lbs.)
Li ft Hei ght 8 6 12
(Ft.)
Speed 15 30 40
(mph)
DEPENDABI LI TY
Both l i fts were found to operate wi th l i ttl e or no damage to
products and no i njuri es based upon records from compani es
who have used thesel i fts. Parts for the el ectri c l i ft are avai l abl e
from a pl ant 500 mi l es away and may be ordered by phone and
del i vered i n 24 hours. Thi s coul d resul t i n a producti on l oss of
$10,000 each ti me the el ectri c l i ft breaks down. On the other
hand, parts for the gas l i ft coul d be del i vered i n 45 mi nutes from
a pl ant 17 mi l es away. Si nce the gas parts are more accessi bl e
than the el ectri c parts, producti on l osses due to forkl i ft
breakdowns are mi ni mi zed wi th the gas l i ft.
COST EFFECTI VENESS
I have done a cost compari son and anal ysi s based on several
cri teri a as shown i n Tabl es 2 and 3. Three areas are covered,
wi th emphasi s gi ven to the costs for shop modi fi cati on and
shutdown ti me, si nce these showed the greatest contrast.
• Several modi fi cati ons are requi red for both l i fts. A
doorway connecti ng the dock wi th the producti on
area wi l l need to be wi dened to accommodate the
si ze of the gas l i ft. Thi s modi fi cati on wi l l cost $800
and can be done over a weekend to avoi d shutdown
"would be"?
can you hear
that this is
jammed?
rhythm?
reverse the
phrase order
for cleaner
expression?
good strategy
nicely
handled
"parts must
come from
a plant . . .
and cannot
be delivered
sooner than
24 hours . . ."
why passive?
234 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
3
ti me. I n addi ti on, use of the gas l i ft wi l l requi re the
i nstal l ati on of a venti l ati on fan, whi ch wi l l cost
$780, to provi de a heal thy work envi ronment. On
the other hand, a $600 modi fi cati on cost for the
el ectri c l i ft i s requi red for the i mpl ementati on of
the 2 ft. ramp previ ousl y menti oned. The bui l di ng
of thi s ramp wi l l requi re a three-day shutdown
peri od and resul t i n a cost of $10,000 unl ess we
wai t unti l Thanksgi vi ng.
• The contrast i n purchase pri ce between the two l i fts was
rel ati vel y i nsi gni fi cant, wi th the gas l i ft costi ng
onl y $250 more.
• The di fference between the l i fts for fuel , mai ntenance,
and repai r costs over a ten year peri od was $3000,
wi th the gas l i ft bei ng the l ess expensi ve. Thi s
di fference i s subject to fl uctuati on dependi ng on
fuel costs. However, the annual costs of the gas l i ft
wi l l al l ow for a $300 per year i ncrease to offset any
such fl uctuati ons.
Ta ble 2: I n i t i a l For k li ft Cost s
Cri teri on El ectri c Li ft Gas Li ft
Al terati on $600 $1580
Shutdown $10,000 -0-
Purchase $17, 250 $19,000
Charger $1500 -0-
Ta ble 3: An n u a l For k li ft Cost s
Cri teri on El ectri c Li ft Gas Li ft
Mai ntenance $300 $400
Repai r $800 $600
Fuel $2000 $1800
new
needed here?
tighten?
double-space
lines as in
Table 1?
That will
make for
easier reading
and a better
"look"
235 David D. Roberts, Iowa State University
4
Thanks agai n for the opportuni ty to assi st you i n thi s i mportant
matter. I f you have any questi ons before your meeti ng wi th Mr.
Strauss, pl ease feel free to contact me.
Right! As we discussed,
this kind of statement at
the end is more than just
a formulaic close.
236 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Comments:
Thi s i s qui te a successful revi si on. I n addi ti on to doi ng a better job of bri ngi ng the
reader up to speed i n your background paragraph, you pl ace some i mportant
resul ts up front to catch the reader’s attenti on. But perhaps the best revi si ons
were the “si gni fi cance statements” you added to your comparati ve anal ysi s. As a
wri ter you have real i zed that the vari ous compari sons have val ue for the reader
onl y i nsofar as they hel p hi m (i n your case) di sti ngui sh between the two forkl i fts.
(I al so l i ked the way you added the theme of competi ti on to the otherwi se mundane
i nformati on on the forkl i fts’ physi cal features.) Furthermore, whi l e addi ng
si gni fi cance statements, you manage to avoi d maki ng the overt recommendati ons
that woul d vi ol ate the gui del i nes of the assi gnment.
For sti l l further i mprovement of the document, you mi ght want to spruce up the
tabl es by maki ng them more uni form, and you mi ght do somethi ng to make the
key i nformati on under DEPENDABI LI TY more accessible to the reader by usi ng
some si mpl e vi sual techni ques such as spaci ng or bol d pri nt.
Fi nal l y, I have marked a few pl aces where your expressi on coul d be sharpened to
have a more professi onal edge. Note the two i nstances of i nappropri ate passi ve
voi ce. Si nce your overal l tone i s personal and rather i nformal , the passi ves just
don’t seem to fi t. Al so, when you are maki ng the i mportant poi nt about avai l abi l -
i ty of repai r parts, why not strengthen the di sti ncti on you’re tryi ng to make by
usi ng more emphati c phrasi ng?
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 237
Chapter 6
The Commentary of
Carolyn Rude
Texas Tech University
Carolyn Rude is Associate Professor and Director of the Technical
Communication Program at Texas Tech University. After receiving a Ph.D. in
English in 1975 from the University of Illinois, she worked six years as a techni-
cal writer and editor at the Research and Training Center in Mental Retardation
at Texas Tech before joining the faculty in 1981. Her dissertation topic, Walt
Whitman, has been largely irrelevant in the teaching of technical writing, but
the poet may have influenced her practices of commenting on student writing
because of his affirming spirit and sense of responsibility to the people. In
teaching, she aims to encourage students by giving them strategies for assess-
ing and responding to communication situations.
Professor Rude has received two university-wide teaching awards, the
New Professor Excellence in Teaching Award in 1984 and the AMOCO Award
in 1987. She founded the student chapter of the Society for Technical Commu-
nication at Texas Tech University and was its first faculty advisor. Before
becoming Director of Technical Communication, she was Director of Graduate
Studies. She served the Association of Teachers of Technical Writing as Execu-
tive Secretary from 1986 to 1990.
She wrote the textbook, Technical Editing (Wadsworth 1991) and edited
the anthology, Teaching Technical Editing (ATTW 1985). Her other publications
also have a pedagogical focus and are driven by the goal of identifying for
students how they may achieve particular purposes in written documents by
using strategies of format, organization, and style.
238
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Introduction
To me, as a teacher, comments are potentially useful pedagogically.
They should help students either to revise the document that is commented on
or teach students to write the next document more effectively. To students,
comments may seem threatening and critical.
I discuss my attitudes about comments in class. I tell the students
outright that I want them to succeed and that I measure my success as a teacher
in terms of how well students achieve. Many classes are workshops in which I
give students suggestions about the projects they are working on, and they
work with peers in getting and giving suggestions. Students may also come for
individual help while they are working on assignments. I hope thus to cast
myself in their minds as a helper and coach rather than as a judge. I hope also
that they see my written comments as extensions of the oral comments in class
and in conference.
My comments may also reflect reactions of a reader other than a
teacher. Thus if a reader may have a question about content or if something
about the structure may confuse a reader and require rereading to sort out the
information, I may write “I am confused here . . .” or “How does this fact relate
to. . . ?” or even “I’m feeling defensive now because. . . .” My hope is to en-
courage students to write for readers by giving them a sense of how readers
may respond to their work. I also ask them to write for real readers.
My general criteria for evaluation are the following:
• match of the report to the assignment: Students must demonstrate a concept of
genre assigned (e.g., they cannot write a proposal if a feasibility study is
assigned). In addition, they must meet other criteria specified on the assign-
ment, such as type and extent of research. An ambitious project is inher-
ently worth more than a simple project.
• content and organization: The document should provide sufficient evidence
and detail to answer a reader’s probable questions and allow the reader to
do whatever the document requires (e.g., make a decision, perform a task).
Signals about organization (forecasting statements, headings, transition
words) should be accurate.
• effectiveness of presentation: This criterion relates to choice of visuals or prose,
style, and format. “Effective” refers to choices that enable reader access to
parts of the document and comprehension. An effective document also
establishes credibility of the writer and the information. Excessive spelling
or grammar errors will diminish or even destroy effectiveness.
• formal features: The required document parts (e.g., title page, table of con-
tents, visuals) should be present and constructed according to their function
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 239
and conventions. Pages should be numbered. Spelling and grammar
should be correct.
I try to focus my comments, especially in the concluding comment, so
that students will see them in the context of these criteria. I do better at this if I
glance at the document overall before commenting on specific lines. I also try
to comment on things that a particular student can reasonably be expected to
achieve. For example, only students who are proficient with content develop-
ment and organization are likely to receive detailed comments on style, and
only students who can punctuate independent clauses correctly are likely to
receive comments on punctuating restrictive clauses.
Most of my comments appear on a separate page, prepared at the
computer, with numbers on the document indicating that there is a comment. I
often comment using the computer, particularly for long documents on which I
am likely to comment at length. I do it because I have a longer attention span
working at the computer than with a pen, so my grading sessions last longer at
the computer. Also, since I type much faster than I write and am not limited by
the space in the margins, I am likely to comment in more depth (mainly giving
more explanations) than I would by hand. I spend as much or more time
commenting in this way as I would with a pen. Students thus receive more
legible and detailed comments. The disadvantage to them is that they have to
look back and forth from comment page to document. They do read the com-
ments, but perhaps they do not always check the document to see where the
comments apply.
240
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Letter of Application and Résumé
Description of Assignment
For this assignment, I ask that students write application letters and
résumés for existing jobs. They must not invent qualifications for themselves
and they must submit job descriptions along with their documents—to help me
assess whether they are demonstrating a match between their qualifications
and the job requirements, but also to help them think in terms of the
employer’s question (can this applicant do the job?) rather than in terms of
their own interest (what this job will do for me?).
Explanation of Commentary
Calvin Glenn used the letter and résumé to support his application for a
job he hoped to get upon graduation at the end of the semester. He was well
qualified; however, because he had worked part-time for the company and had
an inside track on the job, he did not present his qualifications as effectively as
he might have had he been depending on the printed materials alone. My
comments suggest that his complacency could backfire if a good competitor
applies. Like many students, Calvin was also concerned about repeating
details of his résumé in his letter of application, so he lapsed into generaliza-
tions (“valuable exposure”). I tried to reinforce the importance of highlighting
and interpreting facts from the résumé in the letter. The letter is correct in
terms of its formal features, but it is less persuasive than it could be.
While I tell students about the standards of the real world (in which a
single error can mean rejection of the letter and résumé), I am more concerned,
as a writing teacher, about content and organization and try to be consistent
with my standards on other assignments. This letter of application might “fail”
in the real world (though, in fact, the student got the job without revising), but
it can be substantially improved with relatively little revision because the
student basically understands the concept and structure of the documents.
When I reviewed my comments for this publication, I noted the address
of the student by his first name in the summary comments. I am inconsistent
in this practice but am probably more inclined to use the name when the
student’s personal stake in the document is high (as it is with the letter of
application and résumé) and when the news of the comment is not entirely
good.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 241
3206 Salisbury Apt. D
Lubbock, TX 79410
December 6, 1990
Mr. Jeep Haney
Area Manager
Terra International
P.O. Box 36
Ropesville, Texas 79358
Dear Mr. Haney:
I am applying for the position of sales representative which was
advertised on December 1 with the placement service at Texas Tech
University. The position seems to fit very well with my education,
experience, and career interests.
Your position requires experience in fertilizers, chemicals, and
consulting. With a major in agriculture, I have training with all
types of fertilizers, chemical and equipment. My practical experi-
ence in my summer jobs as a student consultant other employers gave
me valuable exposure to complex situation. Additional, I worked as
a farm manager on the family farm for three years where I gained
knowledge of the crop uses of fertilizers and chemicals. My en-
closed resume provides more details on my qualifications.
My background and career goals seem to match your job requirements
well. I am confident that I can perform the job effectively.
Furthermore, I am genuinely interested in the position and in
working for Terra International. Your firm has an excellent
reputation and comes highly recommended to me.
Would you please consider my request for a personal interview to
discuss further my qualifications and to learn more about this
opportunity? I shall call you next week to see if a meeting can be
arranged. Should you need to reach me, please feel free to call me
at 791-2400. If I am not in, please leave a message on my answer-
ing machine and I will return your call within a day.
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to talking with
you.
Sincerely yours,
Calvin Glenn
4
3
2
1
242
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
CALVIN F. GLENN
PERMANENT ADDRESS TEMPORARY ADDRESS
Route 1 Box 70 3206 Salisbury Apt.D
Ropesville, Texas 79358 Lubbock, Texas 79410
(806) 562-3407 (806) 791-2400
EDUCATION:
December 1990 Bachelor of Science
Texas Tech University
Major: Agriculture Economics
Minor: Business Major GPA: 3.25
100% Self Support Through College
WORK EXPERIENCE:
May 1983 Melvin Glenn Farms Assistant
to Present Ropesville, Texas
* General farm operations
* Field Scout
April 1990 to Acuff Farm Supply Fertilizer/Chemical
September 1990 Acuff, Texas
(Seasonal) * Assisted customers
* Repair of fertilizer equipment
* Distribution of fertilizer/chemicals
December 1989 to Terra International Sales Representative
April 1990 Ropesville, Texas
* Assisted customers
* Participated in inventory control
* Sales of fertilizer and chemicals
* Assisted in administrative duties
May 1989 to December Northrup King Research
1989 (Seasonal) New Deal, Texas
* Assisted in Harvest
* Repair of equipment
* Assisted in research data entry
May 1988 to September
1988 (Seasonal) Mark Scott Farms Scout, Consultant
* Responsible for insect scouting
* Assisted in consulting
* Repair of equipment
AFFILIATIONS: Agriculture Economics Association
Intramural Football, and Softball
Campus Crusaders
REFERENCES: Available upon request:
Career Planning and Placement Service
Texas Tech University
P.O. Box 4230
Lubbock, Texas 79409
(806) 742-2210
al
ed
with? (be spe-
cific)
Manager and Field
Scout
State concretely what you did—
applied fertilizer? planned
fertilizer schedule? analyzed
the
farm
bill?
al
parallelism
Delivered? Applied?
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 243
Application and Résumé: Comments
Letter
1) Instead of saying “this job fits me well,” state your basic qualifications for this job.
(Answer the employer’s basic question: Can this person do the job?) State: “I will
graduate in December from Texas Tech University with a B.S. in agricultural economics.
In addition, I have worked as a sales rep for Terra International for the past year.”
2) Mr. Haney knows what his job requires, so use the space to give details about what you
have learned about fertilizers, etc. Use the whole paragraph to highlight the relevant
aspects of your education.
3) Create a separate paragraph to give specific details about your work experience. What
was your summer job? What specifically was the “valuable exposure”? (Perhaps you
helped farmers choose fertilizers based on the crop, soil, and time of application.) You
need to make the underlined words concrete in the reader’s mind.
4) If you create the two detailed paragraphs suggested above, you can omit this one. The
reader will draw these conclusions for himself.
Calvin—you need to demonstrate more concretely what you know and can do. You are
making claims (“exposure,” “knowledge”) with no evidence to back them. Any other agricul-
ture major can make the same claims at least about knowledge; demonstrate what is special
about your qualifications. Do not worry about repeating the details of the résumé: you are
highlighting and interpreting the facts on the résumé that are relevant to this particular
employer. If you aren’t convincing in the letter, the reader may never look at the résumé.
Résumé
Your format is fine, and you have the right idea about identifying work responsibilities in each
of your categories. You can impress the employer even more, however, if you will work on
three particular goals in revision:
a) Use more specific verbs. Note how often you describe your work with the verb “as-
sisted.” Look for verbs that describe the primary task rather than your assistance. E.g., if
you “assisted customers,” did you consult with customers about fertilizer choices? If you
“assisted in administrative duties,” did you manage the plant, inventory supplies?
b) Aim for greater parallelism in the lists. Preferably begin with verbs in past tense: e.g.,
“repaired” vs. “repair.” Under “Glenn Farms,” list the tasks you completed for “farm
operations.” Make sure each of your job titles also reflects a position (“assistant manager
and field scout” vs. “assistant”; and “sales representative” vs. “fertilizer/chemical”).
c) Correct capitalization errors. Note that the name of your major is agricultural economics.
Calvin—you are well qualified for this job but better qualified than your letter and résumé
demonstrate! You take a significant risk if you depend on the fact that Mr. Haney knows you.
Another person may apply who demonstrates better qualifications than your printed materials
demonstrate. Then it will be hard for Mr. Haney (and his superiors) to justify hiring you.
Take this opportunity to persuade your potential employer that you are a great catch for them
(you are!).
244
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Instructions
Description of Assignment
“How to Make a Topographic Profile. . .” was submitted in a sopho-
more-level course in technical writing. (The other three assignments in this
series were submitted in a junior-level course.) The sophomore course intro-
duces students to technical communication and surveys basic genres. The
assignment on instructions required students to write on a task with three to
six major steps for an audience that included some classmates or people with
the knowledge that college sophomores could be expected to have. These
guidelines excluded complex instructions (such as a user's manual) as well as
simplistic tasks that most students could already perform. Students were
directed to integrate visuals with the prose.
Explanation of Commentary
In my commentary on this student's instructions, I addressed the
following issues:
• match of the instructions to the assignment: The student has produced instruc-
tions on a task that is complex enough to require knowledge of writing
strategies yet simple enough to be manageable for an assignment that
claimed no more than two weeks of the semester. He has included visuals.
• content and organization: The topic is interesting as well as challenging.
Many or most of the writer’s classmates did not even have a concept of a
topographic map let alone of drawing a profile from one, so he could not
depend on existing knowledge. The writer provided conceptual informa-
tion to define and describe as well as the specific directions. The last state-
ment, besides being self-defeating, made me wonder whether all the steps
were complete; however, the writer identified the steps meaningfully and
arranged them chronologically. The instructions seem complete enough for
a field test.
• effectiveness of presentation: The instructions are more “academic” than I
would prefer (the formal introduction and conclusion are examples). How-
ever, the student does reveal awareness of audience expectations (my own
and the expectations of readers as they had been defined for him). His use
of illustrations at key points, the explanations and definitions, and the
formatting (headings, listing) show an awareness of readers’ needs and
reading patterns. His word choice is precise. The last statement suggests
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 245
that he might have restricted his aims for the instructions.
• formal features: The student paid a lot of attention to details of format. He
was consistent in capitalization, spacing, and style of headings and in labels
for his figures. The typos are inconsistent with his carefulness in other
respects, but his other achievements are significant enough to warrant a
good grade in spite of the errors.
This student was a technical communication specialist and more accom-
plished in some ways than many of the students in the class. I probably would
not have commented to most other students on the inconsistency under “List of
Major Steps,” but this student was eager for details and was experienced
enough to understand them.
246
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
How to Make a Topographic Profile
of a Proposed Route From a Map
Introduction
A topographic profile is a diagram that shows the
change in elevation of the land surface along any given
line on a topographic map. The profile represents,
graphically, the “skyline” as viewed from a distance.
Topographic profiles are used by soldiers, forest rang-
ers, and hikers to determine and select the flatest route
between two points on a map.
These instructions are written for personnel who
hike through mountainous terrain and know the basics of
map reading.
Brief Overall Description of the Procedure
A topographic map is selected that covers a pro-
posed route. Then two points are ploted (marked), the
starting point and the point of destination. Next, the
contour lines are marked on a piece of paper with their
respective elevations. The elevation figures are then
put on a graph and the points connected. The connected
points of elevation make a graphic profile of the ter-
rain.
Working Definitions
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 247
2
Should it be of a particular type, such as graph paper?
Where is this available?
Topography: the configuration of the land surface
that is shown by means of contour lines.
Contour lines: an imaginary line on the surface
of the earth connecting points of equal elevation.
Contour interval: the difference in elevation
between two adjacent contour lines. The contour inter-
val is constant and is indicated on the map.
Relief: the range of topographic elevation within
a prescribed area.
Materials Required
1. topographic map
2. pencil
3. paper
4. ruler
List of Major Steps
The major steps in making a topographic profile
are as follows: (1) plot the route (2) determine
maximum relief (3) make a graph (4) plot and connect
contour points on a graph.
Instructions for Performance
1. Plot the Route
"Steps" are things
(nouns). For
consistency, you
should name your
steps with nouns
(or gerunds) –
plotting
determining.
OR: Introduce the list
differently.
"To make a ...,
you will 1) plot,
2) determine.
248
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
To plot the route, select a topographic map that
will cover the entire route. Then, locate the starting
point (A) and the point of destination (B) and label them
with a
pencil. Next, draw a straight line with a ruler connection
the two points. (See figure 1.)
Figure 1. Example of a topographic map.
2. Determine Maximum Relief
The maximum relief is the difference between the
highest and lowest elevations. It is used to determine if
Contour interval 20 feet 1 inch = 2000
feet
3
Since the procedure will be new to readers, you can help
them
by explaining what seems obvious to you – the difference =
60 feet;
hikers will have to climb 60 feet.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 249
a route is feasible for hiking. To determine the maximum
relief, examine the contour lines that cross the plotted
route, then substract the lowest contour line from the
highest: 1040 - 90 = 60.
3. Make a Graph
On a blank piece of paper, draw several horizontal
lines with a ruler. The length of the lines should equal
the
distance of the line connecting the starting point and the
point of destination. Next, draw a vertical line on each
end of the horizontal lines to form a rectangular graph
(see figure 2).
980
990
1000
1010
1030
1040
1050
1020
Figure 2. Cross section of a graph to be used
with a topographic map.
Now label the vertical lines with the elevation of each
contour line that crosses the route. Start with the low-
est elevation on the bottom of the graph and increase each
line in increments of 10, until the highest elevation is
reached. The scale is usually determined by the contour
interval—in this case 20 feet. However, our starting
4
250
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
point is located midway between the contour lines, hence
the scale of 10.
4. Plot and Connect Contour Points on a Graph
To plot the contour points on the graph follow
these steps:
a. Place the edge of a narrow piece of paper
(same length as the graph) against the line
connecting points A and B.
b. Mark the paper everywhere a contour line
touches the edge and indicate the elevation.
c. Remove the paper from the map and place it at
the base of the graph; make sure the edges
(ends) are aligned.
d. Place a dot on the graph, directly above each
mark on the paper, at the elevation indi-
cated. (See figure 3.)
Figure 3. Piece of paper, with contour marks
and elevations, under a cross section
5
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 251
of a graph.
e. Draw a line connecting each adjacent dot to
form the topographic profile.
Summary
Making a topographic profile is a simple process,
easily mastered by individuals with a sound basic knowl-
edge of map reading. The topographic map provided in
these instructions is oversimplified. Locating and
following contour lines on a real map is more difficult;
consequently, plotting a route, determing maximum relief,
and graphic contours is actually harder than appears.
they try a more detailed version.
You have organized and formatted well, have provided
helpful explanations, and have used the style of instruc-
tions. You have done an especially good job with the
illustrations. All of these strategies help readers under-
stand and follow your instructions.
It would be interesting to test the instructions with
a reader who represents your audience. The reader’s
questions would signal needs for more information or a
different expression or arrangement of information.
Good work.
6
it
Now I’m discouraged! The statement
could undo all the good teaching you have
accomplished. If the task is harder than you
have made it seem, maybe you need to think of
a two-stage learning process, with the learn-
ing of a simple version preliminary to the
actual task performance. If so, you could
define the task in your introduction as pre-
liminary, with these instructions aiming to
walk people through the basic process before
in
252
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Proposal
Description of Assignment
The proposal assignment requires students to identify and elaborate on
actual problems and to propose feasible solutions for a real audience. The
proposal must elaborate on how the solution is to be implemented. I want
students to get beyond “suggestion box” statements to implementation plans.
A substantial proposal will also require research into the specifics of the prob-
lem and implementation plan.
Students may write different types of proposals, including proposals to
conduct research as well as proposals to change procedures or to purchase
equipment. Therefore, I am flexible about the specific sections to be included
(other than the problem statement and implementation plan). Many proposals,
for example, will require budget and personnel sections, but some (such as the
example here) do not. We discuss in class the possibilities for sections, but
students design their own proposals according to the type of proposal they are
writing and needs of their own audiences. This project was collaborative:
three students contributed to it. They included three sample leases in appen-
dixes, not included here.
Explanation of Commentary
I assume in my comments that students will revise—not for me, but for
their primary audience. They often develop a stake in their proposals because
they are working with real problems, and many will revise and send them
forward. Most of the comments on this proposal relate to organization. The
students have comprehended a proposal, their style is effective, and sentences
are correct. This topic lends itself to verbal rather than visual presentation. I
hope that focusing on organization and signals about organization will help
them to concentrate on that topic and learn something specific about organiza-
tion that will apply to the next document they write.
In addition, I require collaborators to submit individual reports of the
collaboration and their individual contributions to it. In retrospect I wish I had
also required them to submit drafts showing their specific contributions as well
as the reports. One strong writer had pulled two weaker writers along.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 253
PROPOSED SERVICE: STANDARDIZED LEASE FOR STUDENTS
Submitted to
Office of the Attorney for Students
Texas Tech University
Prepared by
Steve Mahnich
J ohn Laird
Calvin Glenn
December 3, 1990
Abstract
Confusion and misunderstandings between landlords and students often result
from unclear and confusing leases. Many leases emphasize landlord rights over
students rights. These problems would be lessened if the terms of the agree-
ment were clearly and fairly stated in the lease.
The Attorney for Students at Texas Tech University should develop and
provide a standardized student lease to help solve some of the problems that
off-campus renters encounter.
254
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
Problem....................................................................................1
Summary of Recommendation ................................................ 2
Scope and Plan of the Report ................................................. 2
NEEDS ASSESSMENT
Current Opinions ..................................................................... 2
Examples of Unfair and Confusing Terms................................ 3
The Standardized Student Leases .......................................... 4
MANAGEMENT
Attorney for Students ............................................................ 5
The Attorney’s Role ................................................................ 5
Advertisement of the Student Leases .................................... 5
CONCLUSION
Summary of Proposal .............................................................. 5
Appendix A: Lubbock Board of Realtors Lease .................................. A1
Appendix B: Lubbock Apartment Association Lease.......................... B1
Appendix C: Bowling Green Standardized Lease ................................ C1
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 255
Int roduct ion
Problem
In the Lubbock community, Texas Tech University is a major part of the economy,
partly because of the large number of college students who rent apartment or
houses off of the campus. A large number of rental facilities, both houses and
apartments, exist to meet the demands of students who choose to live off campus.
Confusion and misunderstandings between landlords and students result from
unclear and confusing leases. Students normally sign a rental agreement without
having a full understanding of it. When students are looking for an apartment or
house, they are usually forced to read more than one lease, and they often do not
read them seriously, because they cannot understand them.
Often, there are unenforceable and slanted clauses in the leases that students sign.
These leases tend to try to put the power over the property unfairly in the favor of
the landlord. These confusing leases try to shift the burden on the student. These
biases in favor of the landlords cause conflicts between students and owners. This
emphasis of landlord profit over the rights of the student renter creates ill will
between the owner and the tenant.
At Bowling Green State University in Ohio, the Student Services department assists
students in making rental agreements. But at Texas Tech University, the only help
afforded students is through the office of the Attorney for Students. The office
provides a pamphlet about renting off-campus, and will help students understand
leases that they bring in, but many students do not know about this service, and it is
not readily accessible to students for several reasons. Many students do not know
where the Attorney for Students is located—the office is located on the third floor
PAGE 1
s
1
256
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
of West Hall. The service is publicized only by a brief mention of it in the under-
graduate catalog.
Summary of Recommendations
The Attorney for Students at Texas Tech University should offer a standardized
student lease, like that offered at Bowling Green State University, to alleviate these
misunderstandings and biases that occur in rental agreements. This service can be
advertised to encourage students to look for rentals that use the standardized
student lease.
Scope and Plan of the Report
The goal for this report is to propose a solution for the problems in off-campus
housing for students. The solution should be acceptable and fair to both students
and landlords. This report will first perform a needs assessment to see what leases
are now provided to students. Then, the report will examine Bowling Green’s solution
to the problems that students have in renting off-campus—a standardized lease.
Finally, the report will investigate how the Texas Tech Attorney for Students could
help alleviate some of these problems by providing a standardized lease for students.
Needs Assessment
Current Options
In researching this problem, we found that many students are forced to sign a lease
for six to twelve months. If the rental period does not correspond to the school
calendar and the student does not wish to continue renting the property, the deposit
must be forfeited. We acquired several leases that Lubbock landlords use in renting
to the general public (including students). Each lease that we examined was long,
complicated, and inconsiderate of the special needs of students. Many ambiguities
were also present in the leases. The only standardized leases that are available in
PAGE 2
4
2
discuss
3
good forecast
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 257
Lubbock are offered by the Lubbock Apartment Association and the Lubbock Board
of Realtors. These leases are used on an optional basis by member complexes, and
they are long and complicated.
Examples of Unfair and Confusing Terms in Lubbock Leases
One lease that we examine required a $100 pet deposit; however, the renter was not
aware, until the end of the term of the lease, that the “deposit” was non-refundable.
The Lubbock Board of Realtors lease, and other leases that we examined, release the
landlord from all responsibility from injury or death to the tenant and from all damage
to the property, regardless of whether the landlord was at fault. Several of the
leases that we examined gave the landlord broad rights in entering the property for
any reason at any time. The Lubbock Board of Realtors lease makes the tenant
responsible for all plumbing problems during the rental period, regardless of whether
the tenant caused the problem; however, one lease that we examined limits the
tenant’s responsibility to problems that occur two months after the beginning of the
rental period, to account for the fact that plumbing problems may occur several
months after they are caused. In several leases, the owner reserves the right to
show the property for sale or lease at his discretion. In one instance, the owner
showed the property repeatedly, with no advance warning to the tenant.
Neither the Lubbock Board of Realtors lease nor the Lubbock Apartment Association
lease mentioned joint and several liability, and the other leases that we examined
mentioned it without explanation. J oint and several liability means that every person
who signs the lease is individually responsible for the full amount of the rent. If one
of the signers of the lease is unable to pay, the others are responsible for the full
amount, not just their share. The leases that we examined also placed the full
responsibility of any court of attorney costs on the tenant. This discourages the
tenant from pursuing any legal recourse from a violation of the lease by the landlord
PAGE 3
5
258
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
PAGE 4
because the court fees could be so high. Overall, the leases that we examined were
long, complex and hard to read. They were multi-paged, not clearly printed, and
intimidating. It is easy to see how students could neglect to read and understand
the leases that they sign. The Lubbock Board of Realtors and Lubbock Apartment
Association leases are included in the appendix as an example of confusing and unfair
leases that are available for students.
The Standardized Student Lease
The solution that we are proposing to the Texas Tech Attorney for Students to help
students in renting off-campus is the development of a standardized student lease
such as one offered by Student Affairs at Bowling Green State University. A copy of
this lease is included in the appendix. This standardized student lease attempts to
equal the burden of responsibility between the landlord and the renter. The stan-
dardized lease puts the terms of the agreement in words that are easy for the
student to understand. The standardized lease is printed on a single sheet of paper
that does not intimidate the student as do multi-paged leases. Many leases are for a
fixed period of six or twelve months, but the standardized lease offered by Bowling
Green is designed for the period that can meet the student’s needs. This prevents
the loss of the deposit if the student cannot continue to rent for the period. The
standardized lease does not hold the student responsible for personal injury or
property damage that occurs as a result of owner negligence. The standardized
lease does not allow the owner unlimited access to the property; instead, it sets
guidelines respecting the privacy of the renter that the owner must follow when
entering the property. The standardized lease does not hold the student responsible
for repairs and maintenance of electrical, plumbing, and other systems in the prop-
erty that are not caused by the students. The standardized student lease uses an
entire section to explain joint and several liability. A standardized student lease, like
that offered by Bowling Green, will help to prevent many of the problems that Tech
7
ize
C
6
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 259
PAGE 5
students face in renting off-campus.
Management
Attorney for Students
The office of the Attorney for Students at Texas Tech has the resources to provide a
standardized student lease for students. The stated objective of this office, accord-
ing to the 1990 Texas Tech University Undergraduate Catalog, is “to inform students
of their obligations and duties as well as their rights as defined by a system of law . .
. and is dedicated to the concept of preventive law.” The provision of the student
lease would be well within the stated duties of this office. The attorney in this office
could easily assemble and provide a standard student lease through the office at no
additional expense.
The Attorney’s Role
The Attorney for Students cannot force either landlords or students to use this
lease. The lease can only be provided to the students as a service at their request.
If many students begin to insist on the use of a standardized lease, the collective
power will encourage landlords to agree to use the lease.
Advertisement of the Student Lease
The existence of the standardized lease must be made known to students in order
for it to be effective, This can be accomplished through advertisements and notices
in the University Daily, Student Association brochures, Lubbock Board of Realtors and
Lubbock Apartment Association offices, and campus information desks.
Conclusion
Summary of Proposal
The office of the Attorney for Students at Texas Tech should develop and provide a
standardized student lease to help solve some of the problems that off-campus
renters encounter.
8
260
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Proposal: Comments
1) Show other consequences in addition to conflicts and ill will: loss of money to students?
restrictive lease terms that do not coincide with the academic year? Much of your
persuasive power will derive from showing that there is a problem that harms students
in substantial ways. If you can determine the extent of the problem (that you are not
writing from an isolated incident), that information would also be convincing.
2) In addition, it’s a little awkward to interrupt a rental negotiation to run to the TTU office
with a lease.
3) A report can’t perform a needs assessment. (It’s curious to think that an inanimate thing
could discuss a needs assessment, but that use of the verb is common and acceptable.)
4) This section could benefit from reorganization to identify specific problems more
obviously. “Current options” mentions the rental period but does not develop this point
(show significance) nor put it in its context. The rental period may be a topic that
deserves elaboration. The other two topics in this section seem to be unfair financial
liabilities to students and complexity of wording. (The significance of the wording
problem is that the complexity itself enables landlords to take advantage of students in
the ways just shown). Your introduction could identify these problems to prepare for the
details that appear in the next paragraphs. Each of these problems deserves a separate
paragraph, and headings for each could outline for readers the nature of the problem.
Treating these major points separately would reinforce the points of your problem
statement and emphasize that students are at substantial disadvantage in renting, not
just because they can’t (or don’t) read long leases.
I think your heading “Current Options” will change with revision, but note that it
differs from the heading in the TOC (“Current Opinions”).
5) Good analysis of lease terms: it shows that you are not just whining because leases are
difficult but that you have identified specific, questionable terms in the leases. The
details give the reader some direction about terms to consider in a standardized lease,
and they create an impression of you as informed and thoughtful.
6) Signal that you are making a new point by using a new paragraph (see point #4).
7) Go on: what terms do you think are more fair? You can shape the way the attorney
develops a TTU lease by analyzing content strengths of the lease as well as terms.
Later: Down the paragraph I can see that you have done just this. Now I think that I
was misled by the order of sentences—you introduce the idea of equalizing the burden,
move to the language, and then return to the subject of liabilities.
8) Be careful: the reader (the attorney who will implement your proposal, you hope) values
her time. Thus, while no dollars will be exchanged, there will be an expense.
Overall, you demonstrate a good concept of how a proposal functions and how it develops.
You have provided details of the problem, and you have offered a specific solution that
seems feasible to implement. The analysis of terms of the leases (existing and proposed) is
especially persuasive.
At the sentence level, your writing is strong. You have been careful with punctuation and
spelling, and style is fine. Format is fine, too. You could be more persuasive about the
problems and solution by reorganizing somewhat to emphasize the two or three types of
problems that create the overall problem—the rental period, the terms that disadvantage
students financially, and the complexity of the wording. That would require paragraph
divisions in your needs assessment (as suggested at #4 above) but also a pattern throughout
of discussing disadvantages to students in these terms and in the same order.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 261
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
This assignment is a problem-solving report (analytical, recommenda-
tion, or feasibility report). The assignment requires at least two topics of
investigation and at least two methods of research (e.g., interview, survey,
library research, site visit). In addition, the assignment requires formal compo-
nents, including a title page, table of contents, and executive summary. I
encourage students to identify specific, local problems (rather than theoretical,
global issues) and to prepare their reports for a real client.
Explanation of Commentary
In response to this assignment, Josh Vorheis submitted “A Study of the
Feasibility of Standardizing Network Emulation Software.” His report ex-
plains the problems resulting from the use of different network emulation
software on campus and recommends standardization. As a network techni-
cian himself, Josh had a personal stake in his recommendation and felt strongly
about the waste and ethical issues. Furthermore, his oral recommendation had
already been rebuffed by the Associate Vice President for Computing Services,
and he felt defensive and even indignant. With the written report, he hoped to
detail the problem in a convincing way so that his recommendation would
become less threatening. His supervisor agreed to forward the report to an
office above the Associate Vice President’s and thus the choice of the Board of
Regents. I commented on the paper with the assumption that Josh would
revise and send the report forward. Before this version, I had seen his report
worksheet and part of a draft and had discussed with him the topics and
methods of investigation. I had worked mainly to get him to look at the prob-
lem analytically rather than emotionally.
I evaluated the report according to these criteria:
• match of the report to the assignment: Josh labeled his report “feasibility
study,” but it does not really answer the question of feasibility. The prob-
lem is at the title level, however; he produced an analytical report in which
he analyzes the components of a specific problem and shows how his
recommendation will solve the problem. His research included interviews
and analysis of technicians’ records.
• content and organization: This report sets forth the nature of the problem
nicely. However, readers are likely to question how many departments and
different types of software are involved. This information is not readily
262
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
available, but an estimate would help show the scope of the problem and
whether the lack of departmental cooperation can be overcome. Readers
may also want to know what package would be ideal.
• effectiveness of presentation: Josh’s presentation is entirely in prose, except for
records of the technicians’ work orders in the appendix. A table would
summarize the costs on pages 3-4. A schematic of local and university-wide
networks might help readers visualize the problem. Josh’s style needs to be
more formal if the audience he addresses is to take him seriously, and he
needs to delete indications of his defensiveness. Knowing that he intended
to send the report forward, I was conscious of proofreading, but I ignored
some errors that readers would be unlikely to recognize. I tended not to
explain the proofreading because there were larger issues for him to concen-
trate on.
• formal features: The required parts were present and constructed according
to their function, but the executive summary needed to be more factual.
In the comments, I tried to show how his argument could be stronger
with more information or better displayed information. I was probably influ-
enced in grading by Josh’s gains in becoming analytical about this problem.
He made good progress from the time he first conceived of the report. He
identified a problem of significance and analyzed specific components of the
problem. He gathered facts to persuade. The overall organization reflects the
nature of the problem as he saw it. The report would be stronger if it projected
the costs of continuing leniency, identified a specific emulation package, and
identified the extent of the problem in terms of departments involved. How-
ever, he met the requirements of the assignment overall with a difficult project.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 263
University Computing Facilities
P.O. Box 4039
Lubbock, TX 79409-3051
November 5, 1990
Board of Regents
TTU & TTUHSC
P.O. Box 4039
Lubbock, TX 79409-2011
Dear Sirs:
The feasibility report contained with this letter deals with problems currently
being experienced by Texas Tech University Network Services and possible
solutions of such problems. It seems that the influx of several different
emulation packages used to access the IBM network are causing varied
problems. Problems dealing with software piracy, software compatibility,
departmental cooperation, etc. must be addressed before they become any
larger.
After interviewing many of the people in positions of knowledge in TTUCF, I
came to the conclusion that something must be done now to stop this problem.
The problems caused by having different emulation programs accessing the
same system are going to stop the formation of a better network and continue to
waste the time of people in TTUCF. The longer this problem goes without being
eradicated, the worse it will become.
If you have any questions concerning this report, please feel free to contact me
any time.
Sincerely,
Joshua Stephen Vorheis
Mr. Bucy
Your statement
will be stronger
without "seems"
and cost of technical services
more specific than
"etc."
is
Mr. J. Fred Bucy, Chair
address to the
chair
264
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
A STUDY OF THE FEASIBILITY OF STANDARDING NETWORK
EMULATION SOFTWARE ON TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY WITH AN
EMPHASIS ON TIMING OF STANDARDIZATION.
Submitted to
Board of Regents
Texas Technological University
Prepared by
Joshua Stephen Vorheis
Assistant, TTUCF
Texas Technological University
November 5, 1990
Abstract
The problems caused by the non-standard emulation packages used to access the
Texas Tech University have been plaguing Network Services. The problems include
software piracy, too much technician time spent on troubleshooting, uncooperative
departments, and the fact that under the present system, an ideal network cannot be
achieved. Standardization now would lower costs, save time, and set up the network
to became an ideal network.
This information
can appear in your
descriptive abstract.
The title is already
long.
AT
No longer! "Tech" is
the
full name, not an
abbreviation
network
good–
gives a concrete
description of the
content and goals
of the report
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 265
Table of Contents
Executive Summary ................................................................................................i
Introduction .............................................................................................................1
Ideal Network ..........................................................................................................2
Technician’s Schedule ............................................................................................3
Ethical Considerations ............................................................................................4
Department Cooperation.........................................................................................5
Conclusion ..............................................................................................................5
Recommendation....................................................................................................6
Appendix (time sheets) ...........................................................................................7
References..............................................................................................................10
266
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Executive Summary
The problems facing Texas Tech University Network Services stems from
the fact that we have been lenient in the past as to which emulation package
should be used to access the IBM mainframe. Now, however, it is becoming
impossible to be lenient any more. The lenience of the past has caused wide-
spread software piracy, security breeches, wasted time on troubleshooting, and
has made it impossible for an ideal network to be configured. As the time passes,
the problem grows, The only way to stop the problem is to enforce a standard
emulation package for all departments to use. The departments will not cooperate
with this, but it is necessary to the future of the network.
I propose that we do not waste any time implementing these standardiza-
tions, for the longer we wait, the worse the problem becomes. With the arrival of
new installations and the individual departments becoming more and more set in
their ways, it could become increasingly difficult to enforce the standardization as
time goes by.
agr
This summary needs to be more factual about the time spent
troubleshooting and other problems that led to your
recommendation as well as about the specific recommendation
(e.g., which standard package). Readers should know the
basic facts as well as the overall argument & recommendation
after reading this summary.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 267
INTRODUCTION
In the past, Texas Tech University Computing Facilities have been
lenient as to the type of emulation package used by individual departments to
connect to the IBM mainframe network. However, in the present we (TTUCF) are
faced with a growing list of problems spurred on by this leniency. Widespread
software piracy, security breaches, software compatibility, and having no idea how
some of the emulation packages operate are at the top of the list. The mixture of
these problems has left Network Services clueless as to just how many machines
have access to the mainframe and what they are using to do this.
One option many departments are not considering at the present time is
the future. The ultimate goal of the University Computing Facilities is to produce
the ideal Network. All departments owning a local area network will want to be
interconnected through the IBM mainframe. The present system’s software is
incompatible and, therefore, will not allow this ideal network.
On the surface, the situation mentioned above may seem a little trivial.
After all, the mainframe keeps track of who logs on and when, but from the
technician’s point of view, it is a highly undesirable situation. Different software
configures keyboards differently. This statement in itself is not awesome, but
when coupled with the fact that the technicians do not know which software
package the machine has (or which keys to hit to perform a function), the situation
becomes a problem. Without knowledge of the emulation software, the Network
Technicians cannot do their job efficiently.
Computer ethics is another consideration to take into account. The
various companies producing the emulation packages could take legal action
against Texas Tech University for retribution against software piracy. Another
ethics consideration is the fact that varied emulation packages make it easier for a
“hacker” to gain access to the mainframe. Either one of these could create an
undesirable situation for Texas Tech.
The main obstacle in the way of standardizations is one of departmental
cooperation. It would seem that the departments who buy the machines to be
hooked up to the mainframe believe that they can run whatever software they
please on their machines, after all, they own them. Plus the fact that very few
(
1
; (sentence composed of two independent
clauses)
phrase makes
the sentence
incomplete–omit
go on: significant time is lost,
costing
the university money.
This qualifier
weakens your
argument–omit.
) (
which system?
)
and Unclear whom
this phrase
modifies.
You'll need
an explicit
subject –
"Technicians
have no idea...."
Complete
the previous
sentence
and begin a
new one.
268
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
present
departments would be willing to go through the expense of buying new emulation
packages. In other words, cooperation from individual departments is not to be
expected.
This report is trying to show whether or how there is an advantage to
starting standardizations now. Information for this report was gathered by inter-
views with Steve Strickland (Manager of Texas Tech University Network Services),
Gay Johnston (Help Desk Operator, Texas Tech University Network Services),
Donna Chafin (Software Specialist, Administrative Information Services), Bill Hale
(Director, Administrative Information Services), through ethics research, time
sheets, and through my own experience as an assistant to the Network Techni-
cians.
IDEAL NETWORK
In the future, departments with their own independent local area networks
are going to desire to interconnect via the IBM mainframe. This would allow for a
more efficient campus (i.e. an ideal network). The only problem is that, with the
system, this goal is not possible. According to Donna Chafin, there is not a way to
interconnect all of the different local area networks on campus because companies
purposely make their software incompatible with another brand’s emulation soft-
ware. This way, the company forces each local area network to be standardized.
The problem arises when you attempt to hook two or more different type of local
area networks together. Since the software will not be compatible, the connection
cannot be made unless one network purchases the other’s brand of software.
An example of this would trying to connect Administrative Information
Services (AIS) with the College of Education. Although both systems use IBM token
ring networks, they cannot be connected together. The hardware used is the same,
but the software packages are configured so that they become incompatible.
Differences such as these are found between almost all departments on the Texas
Tech Campus.
These differences lead one to believe that, under the present circum-
stances, an ideal network cannot be achieved without major changes. Tech
software must be standardized before the network can ever achieve its goal, but the
question of when still stands.
2
This paper describes the ideal network and then considers
the issues of technicians' schedules, ethics . . .
(give a forecasting statement)
How many departments
are involved? How
many emulation
packages are
there? (Even if
you must
estimate, give
readers a sense
of how big the
problem is.)
good
explanation
be
of a single emulation package
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 269
(
How many
departments
are currently
networked?
What % of
the total?
TECHNICIAN’S SCHEDULE
The influx of up to ten different types of emulation programs used to
access the network has left the Network Technicians a little confused to say the
least. At the present time, up to sixty-five percent of the technician’s time is spent
on troubleshooting. I estimate that about one third of this time is lost due to
unfamiliar software packages. According to Gay Johnston, over seventy-five
percent of the calls for assistance which she receives daily are due to people
striking the wrong keys, or simply not knowing which keys to hit. Then, about half
of those calls are serious enough to dispatch a technician. According to those
figures, the technicians are dispatched to more calls because of ignorance of
emulation programs than genuine network problems.
In response to this, Network Services began teaching classes on how to
use the system. This has not had much of an effect because TTUCF neither has
the man power or the time needed to teach a class for each type of emulation
software. Since the emulation software acts as a user interface between the user
and the network, the original problem still stands.
Because of the time spent on teaching and troubleshooting, the list of new
installations needed to be completed keeps growing. The technicians are in a
rather difficult position because they know that with each new installation the
problem grows. Each time a new machine is hardwired to the network, a new (but
not always different) emulation package is brought in. Therefore, for the immediate
future, the problem causes by past leniency show signs of becoming even a larger
problem.
If one system was decided upon and reinforced, not only would classes in
network usage be more effective, but also more money could be made by TTUCF.
The average technician is paid approximately eight dollars an hour. The price of
labor for four technicians for one week is approximately $1280.00. If sixty-five
percent of the technician’s time is spent on troubleshooting, TTUCF is spending
eight hundred and thirty-two dollars a week on troubleshooting (the time estima-
tions here come from the time sheets appended in the rear of this paper). If a
collective time of fifty-six hours out of each week were spent on new installations
(at an hourly rate of twenty-two dollars and fifty cents each), then TTUCF would
3
good info.
)
busy with
identifying the
program and
how it
functions
rather than
with solving
problems.
good facts
$832
use figures
and the $ symbol
(to aid
calculations)
$22.50
These calculations could be effectively
displayed in a table & thereby show readers
at a glance the $ significance of the problem
)
(
keep the focus on
the problem
rather than on the
technicians
270
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
bring in $1260.00. This amount is twenty dollars less than the amount they paid out
for labor. However, if you eliminate the time spent on studying software packages,
only forth-three percent of the technician’s time will be spent on troubleshooting. If
the rest of the time was spent on new installations, TTUCF would bring in $2052.00
a week. This is seven hundred and seventy-two dollars more than they pay out.
Therefore, TTUCF could actually make money if troubleshooting time was cut down.
ETHICAL CONSIDERATIONS
In most professions, randomness increases a system’s security. Random
access codes are installed on many locks to keep people out and for the most part,
they are effective. However, having many different software packages running of
the same system has the opposite effect. The more different emulation which are
used to access a system, the better chances a “hacker” has to infiltrate the system.
Since there are no records as to the placement of the different software packages,
there are very few effective ways to protect against such an invasion into the
system.
Another ethical consideration which tends to aggravate the situation even
farther is the widespread software piracy which is occurring on the Texas Tech
Campus. Inside the individual departments, people copy other people’s software in
order to conform to the rest of the department. This presents many problems. For
instance, when you copy software, you do not get manuals. This would explain
much of the ignorance of emulation packages.
Software piracy as a much more serious side than the example mentioned
above. If a company finds that an organization has been misusing its copyrighted
software, they have the right to take legal action against the user. Precedents thus
far have been to charge the organization for the amount of copies in circulation
beyond what can be proven as legally purchased, or suspend the user’s right to the
software (Turner, 1988). For example, the most common type of emulation software
is produced by IBM. The Majority of machines networked on the Tech campus use
this software for emulation. If Tech were to be restricted from using this software,
the network would be crippled for almost two months (emulation packages are
presently back-ordered for six weeks at a time). After that time, almost a year would
4
s
u
("Tends" is like
"seems"– it
weakens the
statement.)
f
$20
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 271
interfere seriously with
research,
teaching, and
administration
(be concrete
about
consequences)
be spent catching up on data entry. Coupled with the purchase of new emulation
packages, this temporary loss of time could set Texas Tech back for quite a while.
However, if Tech were to decide on one software package, the purchase of
such package would be controlled through Purchasing. Purchasing would keep
records on which department bought the software and how many software pack-
ages they had. This would make it much easier to catch and stop software pirates.
DEPARTMENTAL COOPERATION
Along with everything else which must be considered, you can always count
on the fact that your decision is going to affect someone. Bill Hale was able to
explain that cooperation from the individual departments was not to be expected.
Thus far, each department has created a system suitable for their needs and the
technicians have installed it without asking any questions asked. If the department
liked what had been installed, the future installations follows with that same set-up.
Now, we propose to ask them to change their system to conform to standards
shared by the rest of the university. Not only that, but we are asking them to pay
for the change. Mr Hale concluded that the individual departments would resist this
action as much as they possibly could.
Mr. Hale was correct. The fact that up to this point in time there were no
standards is obviously going to spark some rebellion when the standards are put
into place. Mr. Hale explained that, as in the case of his departments, the ma-
chines in the department were configured with the same software. However, since
he had bought a software packet for each machine, he had not committed software
piracy. He also stated that his department would be very unwilling to change from
their present system. However, is it not ironic that the way he had set up the
system for his department is much the same as the proposed standardization of the
entire system.
CONCLUSION
As seen by this paper, the worst problems facing Texas Tech University
Network Services can be traced back to leniency on the type of emulation software
5
go on: How many departments would be
affected? Can this problem be overcome?
Could the university pay for the change?
Could you establish a standard for all future
installations? (If you can't overcome this
barrier, the standardization will not be
feasible.)
.
( )
272
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
to use. This problem will have to be corrected not only to create an ideal system,
but also to lower the expenses of the university. No control until the present time
has led to confusion on the part of the Network Technicians, which has led to
wasted time. The university is in danger of a lawsuit if the software companies
discover their software is being misused, and the system is under increasing
danger of intrusions. Departments will not cooperate with standardization, so the
problem just keeps growing. Sooner or later, the emulation packages will have to
be standardized.
RECOMMENDATIONS
It is my recommendation that standardization of the network emulation
programs be started now. If started in the near future, the ideal system could be
obtained much sooner without worries of a lawsuit for software piracy or increased
rebellion from departments with new systems.
[Note: An appendix—a three-week time log of TTUCF showing technicians’
projects and time spent—was included in the original but is omitted here. It
demonstrates that troubleshooting claims a high percentage of the technicians’
6
Can you be more specific about what
should be done first? For example,
you might want to identify the most
commonly used or most reliable program
and suggest that as the standard.
Then you could suggest informing
departments that all
new installations
use this
program. I
don't know
what you want
to
recommend for
existing
installations.
Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University 273
time.]
Resources
Turner, Brian. “Reflections on Some Recent Widespread Computer Break-ins”,
Communications of the ACM. 1988.
7
References
Place before the appendices
vol. #? page #? Check
capitalization, punctuation, and
order of items against the standard
form.
274
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Report: Comments
You have demonstrated through your research and analysis of the problem of network
emulation a clear grasp of the problem, and you have been convincing in your
interpretations of its significance to the university.
Before you send the report forward, I suggest a few revisions to strengthen the
presentation:
• The issue of department cooperation is significant as it seems to be the main
obstacle to your recommendation. You can put it in perspective by estimating how
many departments now have local networks. If, say, 15 out of 100 departments
have variant software, the issue isn’t so great as if the number totals 75 out of 100.
Chances are some of the departments are now using software that you would select
as the standard (such as Hale’s). How can the problem be overcome? Could you
require all departments that create networks from now on to use one program?
That wouldn’t solve the problem, but some standardization beginning now would
keep the problem from growing. Could you establish a date after which you would
not support other packages than the standard one? Could the university pay for
the change if just a few departments are involved? You need to make your
recommendations more specific.
• Consider presenting some material visually, especially the cost projections on pages
3 and 4 . Readers will be able to find the figures more easily in a table. A schematic
diagram of the local networks and the university-wide network would help readers
visualize the problem.
• The summary needs to be far more factual: include details such as that trouble-
shooting takes 65% of the technicians’ time and costs TTUCF $832 per week;
standardization could result in new income of $xxx. Widespread piracy threatens
the university’s rights to use software and could result in a loss of two months of
network use. Departments with networks already installed would object to paying
for new installations, but . . . .
Also note some suggestions on the text for places to strengthen sentences. Verbs such
as “tends” and “seems” weaken statements, and colloquial verbs (“set back”) make the
problem seem less serious than it is.
Overall, this is your best writing of the semester. Good luck with the report.
275
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
Chapter 7
The Commentary of
Scott P. Sanders
University of New Mexico
Scott P. Sanders is Associate Professor of English and Director of Cre-
ative and Professional Writing at the University of New Mexico. He is editor
of the IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication. His articles on technical
and professional writing have appeared in many journals. His essay, “How
Can Technical Writing Be Persuasive?” received the 1989 National Council of
Teachers of English award for Best Article on Philosophy or Theory of Techni-
cal or Scientific Communication. In 1991 he was awarded a Distinguished
Educator grant from the Public Service Corporation of New Mexico. He is a
frequent consultant to industry in technical writing and editing. Most of the
student work in this collection, for example, comes from in-house courses in
technical writing that he taught at Sandia National Laboratories in 1990 and
1991.
276
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Letter of Application and Résumé
Description of Assignment
To explain this assignment, I give students the following written in-
structions:
This assignment has three parts: a preliminary memo informing me of
your choice of scenarios for the second and third parts; a letter of introduction/
application; a one page résumé.
I. The Memo
Use a standard memo format to write a brief memo telling me which of
the scenarios you will choose for this first assignment. Include reasons for
your choice and some indication of your plans for writing the letter and
résumé. See the choice of scenarios below.
II. The Letter
You have two scenarios to choose from for this first assignment.
1. Assume that this class has a competitive admissions policy and that
your letter is an application for admission to the class. Write a letter in which
you introduce yourself and apply for admission to the class. Some basic points:
What in your background makes you a good candidate to succeed in and
benefit from this class? What are your goals for taking this course? How do
you expect the course’s content to help you achieve those goals?
2. If you have applied, are applying, or will apply soon for a profes-
sional writing position, use this assignment to try out your application letter.
In this scenario, write to me as if I were the person to whom you would apply.
Format for the Letter in Both Scenarios: Use full block style (all text
lines begin flush with the left margin) and standard business letter format
(your address and the recipient’s address at the top; be sure to date the letter).
Length should be no more than two pages, single spaced; if you single space,
double space between paragraphs.
III. The Résumé
Submit a one page résumé with your letter. Follow any appropriate
résumé format that you feel presents you best; pay attention to second and
third level headings in your résumé.
The rhetorical problem requires that students convince either me or a
potential employer of their worthiness for admission to the class or employ-
ment. This requires that they establish that they possess three qualities: high
277
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
credibility regarding their abilities as writers (ethos); real desire to be accepted
or hired (pathos); and some degree of professionalism, as demonstrated by
writing a letter/résumé with proper format and clean presentation (logos).
To do this assignment well, students must analyze their audience and
adjust their presentation of the basic material (their own background) to ad-
dress what they forecast my needs for students or an employer’s needs for
employees to be. The “adjustments” of the given facts of their background
may involve format, the rhetoric of the presentation of content, diction—in
short, nearly everything that a writer must consider in a professional or techni-
cal writing task. Thus the letter/résumé is a quick overview of all of the issues
that will be central throughout the class while at the same time it introduces me
to the students and the students to me.
I hand out my own letter of introduction and résumé, in effect seeking
their acceptance to be their instructor in this class. We analyze the format,
rhetoric, and diction of my letter and résumé. We consider tone, the use of
specific information, how the the letter and the résumé complement each other,
and, finally, what assumptions they feel I make about them in my presentation
of the material as I try to persuade them of my fitness to be their instructor.
I show the students my curriculum vitae to demonstrate how a one-page
résumé adapts information to suit its particular rhetorical purpose. I point out
that the second and third level headings are the most important: they give
information specific to the writer; the first order headings (Education, Experi-
ence, and so on) are generic; the real rhetorical problem is to devise a second
and third order heading structure that calls attention to the writer’s particular
attributes. We hold résumé editing sessions in which students critique each
other’s letters and résumés.
Explanation of Commentary
In the letter, my marks point out stilted diction (most often poor predi-
cation, occasionally overly formal or standard expressions) by editing it out
and suggesting alternative constructions or word choices. See, for example, my
changing of “has made me familiar” to “I used” in paragraph three of the
letter. Students are prepared for such direct marking of their work by seeing
draft copies of my own professional technical writing (from consulting work)
that have been heavily edited by colleagues and supervisors.
I try to talk about tone in the letters, responding with my feelings as I
read the letters. I also often find myself asking for more specific information.
In the résumés, most of my marks ask for more specific information and
formatting that will highlight that information, calling it out to me at the
second and third levels of headings. I use a highlighter for this type of mark-
ing. See the résumé and my specific suggestion that second level heads need to
emphasize the writing and editing experience, given the rhetorical situation the
résumé addresses.
278
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Date: January 23, 1991
To: Scott Sanders, Director
From: Faith Puffer
Subject: Letter of Introduction/Application and Resume
After reviewing your list of possible scenarios, I have chosen
Scenario 1 for my letter of introduction/application and resume.
Since I am presently unqualified for a professional writing
position, my resume under Scenario 2 would be slim. Please
expect my letter of introduction/application and resume on
February 1, 1991.
approved
Incomplete Subj line
Scenario Choice
OK
BF to make these stand out as headings
good!
:
279
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
119 Isula NE, #400
Albuquerque, NM
87109
Janaury 30, 1991
Scott Sanders
Department of English
Humanities 257
University of New Mexico
Dear Professor Sanders,
The 1991 Spring Schedule lists English 290 as accepting
applications for the coming semester. Although technically
a Creative Writing major, I intend to become an English major
with a professional writing concentration upon completion of
your class, Introduction to Professional Writing.
My writing experience began with professional correspondence
in 1986, and led to the revision of a government publication
in 1989. Editing and rewriting the Project Officer’s Handbook
convinced me to rethink my major and consider a career as a
professional writer. Admission to English 290 would refine
my writing techgniques, and help me develop the skills
necessary in my career choice.
My work at the Loma Linda University Medical Center and the
Phillips Laboratory has made me familiar with several word
processing and spreadsheet packages. In addition, I have
experience working with the public, and operating under
deadlines.
I would be happy to meet with you at your convenience and
provide you with any additional information you may need. You
can reach me either at my home address, or at (505) 555-6347.
Sincerely,
Faith Puffer
Solid letter. A few verb choices
could be simplified – – made more
direct. Maybe more info on you
in paragraph 4 would be helpful.
OK
time
frame?
I am
now
give this
more
narrative
sense
In
I used
simplify
explain
280
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Enclosure: Resume
FAITH PUFFER
119 Asula, NW, #400
Albuquerque, NM 87109
(505) 555-6347
Employment Objective
To develop the skills necessary for a career in professional
writing.
Education
University of New Mexico
August 1987 - present
Major: Creative Writing
Minor: Women’s Studies
BA expected: December 1991
Related Courses: English 240, Traditional Grammar. English
220, Expository Writing. English 290, Analysis of Litera-
ture. English 320, Nonfiction (in progress). Several
required literature courses.
Employment Experience
Phillips Laboratory/PRC
Kirtland AFB, NM 87117
Computer Clerk
Helped rewrite and edit Project Officer’s Handbook, May 1989 -
October 1989. Currently enter and disburse contracting data.
Proofreadsing.
(May 1989 - present)
Loma Linda University Medical Center, Medical Library
2000 University Drive, Loma Linda, CA 92354
Library Technician
Established links with other libraries for Inter-Library Loan
purposes. Maintained correspondence with subscription agencies.
Circulation.
(August 1986 - June 1987)
Special Skills
Knowledge of Enable 2.15; Wordperfect 5.1; Paradox 3.0; Quattro
Pro; and Wordstar. I have a certificate of training in floristry,
and am a member of the National Organization of Women.
References
Available on request
OK
Look at the 2nd level heads.
Can you re-design to pull out
the writing experience – emphasize it?
Get that BA at the top!
parallelism?
This is not a skill.
281
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
Instructions
Description of Assignment
This exercise is taken directly from Dean G. Hall’s description of it
given in his brief article, “Technical Writing Class: Day One,” in Dwight W.
Stevenson (Ed.), Courses, Components, and Exercises in Technical Communication
(Urbana, IL: NCTE, 1981, pp. 159-162).
The exercise has three steps. First, I tell students to take out three
sheets of notebook paper and fold one of them into a paper airplane of any
size, any style.
Second, I ask them to take about 20-30 minutes to write instructions for
folding the airplane they have made. I tell them to do the best they can in the
admittedly short time allowed. I describe the audience for these instructions as
people unfamiliar with paper airplanes specifically and with aerodynamics in
general. These people need to fold a paper airplane. I tell the class that visuals
(line drawings) are certainly allowed. I give no more advice and answer no
more questions.
Third, as soon as all are finished writing (and it takes at least twenty
minutes), I ask the students to exchange papers and, using their third and final
sheet of paper, to fold a paper airplane following the instructions presented to
them. If they cannot proceed past a certain point, they mark that point on the
paper and stop. Otherwise they fold on to the end, no matter what the object
they produce may look like.
In a class of 20-25, three to five airplanes will more or less exactly match
the instructions-writer’s original. Another five to seven will be incomplete,
having stopped after one to three folds. The remainder will be somewhere in
between.
The wrap-up discussion is a brief one in which readers recount what
they would have liked (or were lucky to have got) in their instructions. I tell
students to take their drafts home with them and, following this usability test,
rewrite them to hand in the next class. When the next class comes, before
students hand in their instructions, we discuss the revisions that were made
and why.
This assignment is a good way to start a course in technical writing for
a couple of reasons. First, it emphasizes that the difficulty of technical writing
is not the communication of technical content, but the difficulty of working
with rhetorical context, of understanding audiences, of matching the writer’s
purpose with the audience’s need to know. Second, many of the stylistic and
format decisions found in technical writing may be addressed in this reader-
centered, rhetorical context: what visuals are helpful and why? how should
headings be placed? why use complete syntax? why number the steps in the
instructions? and so on. For me, this exercise is an excellent way to begin the
282
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
semester because I can touch on nearly all of the issues that I will deal with in
greater depth later and I do so always emphasizing what for me is the central
aim of my course: teaching students to be aware of and eventually to shape the
reader-centered context of use in which the technical content is presented.
Explanation of Commentary
The real commentary here is given on the three-page evaluation sheet:
the marks on the papers that I return are definitely secondary, so much so that I
don’t care to remark upon them here. I do not copy and distribute this first
evaluation form to the class; instead, I display it on television monitors in the
classroom and discuss my general comments with the class.
These comments are divided into three sub-categories: Layout Con-
cerns, Audience Concerns, and Textual (Writing) Concerns. I hope the remarks
on this evaluation sheet reflect what I said in the rationale section above: I try
to touch on most of the issues in technical writing while keeping audience
analysis the central point of reference for all of the individual points of interest.
On the “Sample Problems” page, I use sentences and phrases from the
students’ papers to illustrate a few of the concerns. Note, however, that even
what might be seen as proofreading (the need for a comma after “hand” in the
“Syntactic Markers” section) is discussed in terms of audience. The problem is
not that a rule is broken; the problem is that without the comma after “hand”
the reader cannot on first pass tell what the sentence means.
The evaluation sheet prepares students for the peer review guidelines
that we will later devise through class discussions as the last stages in our
preparation for the writing assignments to come. And that is why I never hand
out this evaluation sheet. It is itself a guideline for these later peer review
guidelines. If students were to have this evaluation sheet in their possession,
they might use it not as an example, but as a template.
283
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
BUTTERFLI ES, I NC.
ALBUQUERQUE, N. M.
date: September 1, 1990
to: I.W. Buildem, Prototypes Dept.
from: N.M. Nelson, Blue Sky Dept.
subject: Scale Model of our “Paper Aeroplane” In-
vention
We have made an extensive effort studying the aerodynamics of
flying insects native to this area. This effort lead us to
the invention of a paper flying device which we have named the
“Paper Aeroplane”. We want to confirm the success of our
discovery by having scale models prepared in your prototype
shop before we release our invention to the marketing
department for sale to the public. Please have your model shop
prepare three scale models per the following instructions:
1. Use a sheet of 8 1/2 inch by 11 inch paper (1/
4" x 1/4" graph paper or equivalent).
2. Place the paper on a flat surface with the long
side nearest you.
3. Fold the paper in half by lifting the bottom
corners up to the top corners and creasing the
middle.
4. Unfold the paper.
5. Fold the left top corner down to the middle
crease.
11
4 1/ 4
good
This is
addressed to
a slightly different
audience than the
one assigned
outside
contractor?
give illus.
captions and
# them.
Fig One
Fig Three
Fig Two
284
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
6. Fold the left bottom corner up to the middle
crease.
7. Fold corner “b” down to the middle crease.
8. Fold corner “d” up to the middle crease.
9. Refold through the middle crease as shown.
10. Fold side “F/G” down along line “K/H”.
11. Fold side “E/C” down opposite to side “F/G”.
12. Make two other “Paper Aeroplanes” using the
above instructions for the full scale model except one is
to be a 1/2 scale model and the other to be a 1/3 scale
model.
Please send the three models to I.M. Soaring, Flight Test-
ing Dept., by September 10, 1990, per our telecon of August
30.
Your continued support in providing us with fine scale
models of our inventions is truly appreciated. I look
forward to working with you again as we continue to make
B
D
B
D
B
D
E C
F G
H
F/ E G/ C
1" G C
K
H
F G G
C
K
H
G C
K
TOP
VIEW
Only very minor problems with the visuals when
you add two views at Step 9 w/out preparing
the reader
relationship
of views?
page two – name
285
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
EVALUATION AND REVIEW: The Paper Airplane Memos
1. Layout Concerns
Clarify what is a heading and what is text
For example, the TO/FROM/SUBJ/DATE parts of the memo format’s top
matter are headings, the information following those headings are
text—so boldface, use all caps, use indentation, or use a combination
of these features to make that distinction clear. Similarly, indent
numbers as well as the text of the instructions to set their special
content off from intro/concluding paragraphs.
Parallelism of Headings and Layout Throughout
Whether headings in the text or captions for figures, use the same
placement and style for like headings. If
FIGURE ONE: Top View Step One
is the format for figure one (all caps, bold for the head; initial
cap not bold for the caption; text centered under the visual itself),
successive heads (figure two, three . . .) should be like the first.
Use enough white space
Don’t try to save paper. Give your reader every possible bit of help
you can by using vertical and horizontal spacing to clearly delineate
blocks of text, blocks of instructions, headings, and visuals.
2. Audience Concerns
Write to a specific audience with a specific purpose
The audience for this first assignment was an in-house fabrication
group charged with producing a prototype model of the paper airplane.
Most of you wrote to different audiences with different goals
(users,executives). The most common problem was allowing sales
pitches to creep into the instructions; also, general discussions
of the topic (the joy of paper airplanes) wandered away from specific
focus on the process (the need to fold one) that is the purpose of
this set of instructions.
3. Textual (Writing) Concerns
Telegraphic Prose
Don’t leave out the articles (a, the, an, and so on) that human-
ize as well as clarify your writing.
Memo Subject Line
Give enough information to identify the project now AND six
months from now. “Paper Airplane” is not enough. That’s the
286
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
topic only, nothing about the thesis (the need to construct
one).
Paper Airline Evaluations page two
Give the reader a clear conclusion
Tell the reader that the final step is the final step — by having
a clearly marked concluding paragraph (probably the best way), or
in some other fashion (such as telling the reader before the
instructions begin how many there are). A thoughtful conclusion
would probably include your phone number so the reader could reach
you with questions if he/she has problems with the instructions.
What to do with this Evaluation
Evaluate your paper in terms of your writing process. How do you
need to adjust your writing process? Do you need more time? at what
stage of your process?
Evaluating the audience
(probably the pre-writing stage)
Getting a workable format
(an initial part of the composing stage)
Making sure there is enough context to communicate the
content
(the middle to latter parts of the composing stage)
Proofreading to catch and adjust or correct telegraphic
prose,
287
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
other diction problems, spelling errors and other
mechanical problems, and so on
(either late composing or the proofing stage)
SAMPLE PROBLEMS FOR DISCUSSION
Audience problems:
TO: XYZ
FROM: QRS
SUBJ: Paper Airplane
A paper airplane is a piece of paper that glides through the air
because it has been folded in an aerodynamic manner. A paper
airplane is made from one piece of paper and is constructed by
following the steps below. (Does the audience need that first
sentence? Or the second?)
Telegraphic prose
Before: Fold
paper in half and place on table or flat surface
long side nearest technician.
After: Fold the paper in half and place it on a table or a
flat sur-
face with the long side oriented nearest to the
technician.
Phrase-for-a-word department
"as" for "because"
"due to the fact that" for "because"
". . . a sheet of paper manipulated by a series of
folds to
resemble an airplane" or just "folded to resemble . . .."
Syntactic Markers—Not Just Punctuation or Style as Ornament
Before: With right hand fold far right corner of paper
over to center of original sheet and crease.
After: With [the]right hand [,] fold [the] far right corner of
[the] paper over to [the] center of [the] original sheet
and crease [it].
In the "before" version, is "fold" a noun or a verb? is
"crease" a noun or a verb?
288
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Proposal
Description of Assignment
LA-701 is an in-house training seminar at Sandia National Laboratories
and therefore is the most “service-oriented” of service courses; that is, the
seminar exists solely to help students with their writing at work, outside of the
classroom. It would make little sense to have students complete “for-class”
assignments throughout the sixteen weeks of the seminar.
The proposal assignment comes in the middle of the course after stu-
dents have completed the paper airplane assignment, have edited for stylistic
improvement many “inelegant” sentences, and have written a short memo
report analyzing the audience they address in their workplace writing. This
range of work represents an “internship” in technical writing, preparing
students to design, through their proposals, the shape of the assignments they
will complete for the remainder of the course. For the second half of the term,
students are urged to use the class as a writing/editing session applied as
directly as possible to the writing they do in their everyday work at Sandia.
In this new context, my role as the instructor shifts to being more a
consultant chief writer/editor, a mentor who guides colleagues (not students)
in the production of documents they will present for ultimate evaluation in
their work outside of the classroom. The proposal written for this assignment
becomes a contract that defines the new relationships that I will have with each
of the students. The task, then, is to propose what documents will be the basis
of this work, relating for-class writing to for-work writing regarding such
variables as the types of documents to be worked on and the deadlines (in and
out of class) for their completion.
The juggling of the competing demands of classroom requirements and
workplace deadlines can be confusing, but struggling through these issues
makes the proposal assignment very real. Of course, I teach the basic formats
associated with proposals. But the interesting problem for proposal writers is
making the proposal persuasive, which, in technical writing, means demon-
strating to the buyer that the bidder understands the buyer’s needs and can
satisfy those needs. This process often involves some subtle display of
accomodation and negotiation in the text of the proposal itself. That is, a
winning proposal must be credible on both sides of the bargain it proposes:
buyers need to see that they will get what they want; buyers also need to see
that bidders will get what they want, too. The lowest bid is not always the
winning bid.
This proposal assignment requires that students balance their desire to
do for-work writing with my desire to evaluate for-class writing. This is tricky
business, but I feel it requires exactly the sort of persuasion through accommo-
dation and negotiation that is appropriate in technical writing. In nearly every
case, I accept the proposals offered with some qualifications that will be
289
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
worked out either through a brief conference or in the course of the work itself,
with any changes reported in a subsequent progress report.
In classroom preparation for this assignment, we review the materials
on proposal writing offered in our text and we discuss a list of guidelines that I
distribute regarding the typical sections and headings used in proposals. The
discussion focuses not on format but on rhetoric—the problem of describing
the relationship between the for-class and the for-work writing.
At the end of this session we work on designing an evaluation/review
sheet for the proposals. Students design their own evaluation/review sheets; I
keep notes on the discussion and devise a more general evaluation/review
sheet that I will use in my marking of the papers.
On the day the proposal is due, students exchange papers and fill out
the evaluation/review sheets. After the review, they may hand in their papers
or choose to revise them, mailing them to me before the next class.
Explanation of Commentary
I use the evaluation/review sheet I have prepared from our class
discussion, checking for specific information and ending with a general com-
ment and the specific notation of whether or not the proposal is accepted,
rejected, or modified in some way.
I sign the sheets, giving myself the title “evaluator.” The idea behind
this bit of role-playing is to begin the shifting of my role away from being the
“instructor of this class” to being each writer’s personal writer/editor/mentor,
working with them individually on the work they have proposed.
Most of my marks on the papers themselves are limited to proofread-
ing, minor stylistic editing, and positive comments such as “good” or “OK,” or
the check marks that I use to indicate places in the text where I feel a good
point has been made. Occasionally I will note that a particular discussion
belongs in a different section or make some other in-context comment. But the
real marking of the paper is on the review/evaluation sheet.
290
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
DATE: October 16, 1990
TO: Scott Sanders, Instructor
FROM: Tamara K. Locke, Technical Aide
SUBJECT: Proposal for Technical Writing Documents
Four challenges are now before me — I want to improve my
Sandia memo writing skills, and I must prepare three docu-
ments for Technical Writing class. I can combine these
projects so that the Sandia memo I intend to produce and the
class assignments are mutually beneficial. In other words,
both job and classroom challenges can be achieved simulta-
neously.
I am anxious to begin this project and to present my ideas
in more detail.
SCHEDULED DOCUMENTS
I will deliver three documents for this project: a progress
report, a format specification memo, and a final report.
All three documents will be written for Scott Sanders (the
primary audience) and will be authored by myself (a student
in
Dr. Sander’s Technical Writing class at Sandia Laborato-
ries).
The classroom documents:
I. Progress Report
The progress report will consist of an analysis of
a Sandia audience. The Analysis will include
an egocentric organization chart and a PERT
chart. The report will be entitled,
“Audience Analysis for Whitestar Memo.”
II. Format Specification Memo
The format specification memo will detail the
overall format to be used in the final
report. For example, any headlines
planned for the final report will be
Boldface?
good
specific audience?
for this report?
Boldface?
is this a heading? an Intro sentence?
good
291
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
described. Also, all visuals (charts or diagrams) I
plan to include will be discussed, along with the
locations of these visuals within the final re-
port. Furthermore, any techniques
planned to make the final report more
visually pleasing and easy and inviting to
read will be cited. The title of the memo will be
“Format Specification Memo for the Whitestar Report.”
III. Final Report
The final report will include one of my previously
written memos, my revision of this memo, and an
analysis of both versions. It will incorporate
the information gained by conducting the
audience analysis for the progress report as
well as the format presented in
the format specification memo. The final
report will be 5-12 pages.
PROCEDURES/GOALS
My overall goal is to produce an effective revised Sandia
memo
to use as a model for future memos. I also plan to produce
three well-written Technical Writing class documents. I
would like to facilitate both projects by making each
support the other. For example, my Sandia memo could
provide the subject material, format type, and audience, all
necessary to complete
my class assignments. The class documents, in turn, would
certainly improve my Sandia memo. I have provided more
explanation concerning how these two areas reinforce each
other in the outline below and in Figure 1 (following the
outline).
I. The classroom assignments will benefit from the
Sandia project.
A. The progress report would benefit from the
Sandia project because the Sandia
memo provides the subject
material for the progress report and gives
it a foothold in reality — an actual on-the-job
audience will be analyzed.
B. The format specification memo would also derive
good
Boldface
good
2
292
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
its subject matter from the Sandia memo. The
format specification memo is very dependant
upon the Sandia document because the
former will
specify all format considerations of the final
report, and the subject of the final report
encompasses the original and revised
Sandia memos (and the analysis of
the two).
C. The final report would be totally dependant
upon my actual on-the-job assignment.
As previously mentioned, the final
report will consist of the Sandia
memo and the revised memo, as well as an
analysis of the two versions. Obviously, working
on the Sandia project will simultaneously
provide me with material for my
SUBJECT
MATERIAL
ACTUAL ON-THE-JOB
APPLICATIONS
PROGRESS REPORT:
AUDIENCE ANALYSIS
FORMAT SPECIFICATION MEMO:
STRUCTURE OF FORMAT
FINAL REPORT:
MEMO ANALYSIS AND
MODEL MEMO
SANDIA MEMO CLASSROOM DOCUMENTS
Figure 1Shared Benefits Of S andia Memo/Classroom Documents
or in here?
looks like
everything
is shared?
what's in
here?
good
3
293
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
final report.
II. The Sandia memo will profit from the classroom
assignments.
A. The progress report will provide the audience
analysis I must have to write an effective
memo.
B. The format specification memo will structure
the visual aspects of the Sandia
memo.
C. The final report will help me to understand
why my revised memo is preferable
to the original, and pro-
vide me with a model for future memos.
WRITING SCHEDULE/COMPLETION DATES
The three documents will be completed and submitted on the
following dates:
Progress Report - November 6, 1990 (#11 Class Session)
Format Specification Memo - November 20, 1990
(#13 Class Session)
CLASS
WEEK
DOCUMENT
PROGRESS
REPORT
FORMAT
SPECIFICA-
TION
MEMO
REVISED
SANDIA
MEMO
FINAL
REPORT
OCT 31
to
NOV 6
NOV 7
to
NOV 13
NOV 14
to
NOV 20
NOV 21
to
NOV 27
NOV 28
to
DEC 4
DEC 5
to
DEC 11
Figure 2 Writing Schedule/Comple tion Dates
OK
4
294
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Final Report - December 11, 1990 (#16 Class Session)
The revised Sandia memo will be completed by November 27,
1990, then will be presented as a part of my final report
on December 11, 1990.
I will be using my conclusions from the progress report and
the format specification memo to write and structure the
final report. Therefore, I plan no definite starting date
for the final report, but will work on sections of it while
writing the first two documents.
Refer to the chart in Figure 2, below, which illustrates
the above dates.
QUALIFICATIONS
For the folowing reasons, I feel I am fully qualified to
handle this project:
I have recently completed an audience analysis, much
of which can be used in my progress report.
I have on-the-job plus classroom experience in memo
writing which would be very useful in preparing the
format specification memo.
From my college training, I have had years of
experience in writing reports.
Furthermore, I have a very strong incentive to do
quality work in preparing the three documents —
they will be very useful to me in preparing my
revised Sandia memo.
COST
I estimate I will need four hours each week, from October
31 through December 11, 1990 (6 weeks) to complete these
proposal accepted!
good
bullets – use lower
case "o's" and
fill them in with
black ink
awk passive in this sen-
tence
5
295
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
Evaluation and Review: Proposal
Describe the main idea of this proposal in a sentence or two.
Work on memo writing/report writing skills by focusing on a
memo for the “Whitestar” project, documenting audience,
format, and evaluating before/after versions.
Content Checks:
1. SOW: Three papers: progress report when?
spec memo when?
good
final report when?
(oral report)
2. Are the headings complete? Do they accurately describe
the
discussions they introduce?
good use of heads - suggestion: use boldface to
clearly delineate subheads from
major heads (see pp. 1 & 2)
3. Where is the relationship between for-class and for-work
writing, researching, and so on discussed? Is this
relationship clearly described and related to the persua-
sive thrust of the proposal?
In the Intro and especially in sub-heads of the
Scheduled Documents section. Generally well done
and persuasive. Procedures/Goals also well done.
Summary Comment:
Accept the proposal as is? If not, with what changes?
Proposal accepted. You have chosen a very appropriate
task that clearly relates in-class goals & work to
your for-work goals and work. Good job!
12/11
11/20
11/6
296
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
As I noted in the earlier discussion of the proposal assignment, LA-701
is an in-house training seminar that exists solely to help students with their
writing at work, outside of the classroom. Consequently, there is no “final
report” assignment requiring a finished document. Instead, students work on
the projects they proposed in the proposal assignment: an assortment of
workplace tasks ranging from professional journal articles, to designing for-
mats for memos and reports, to manuals and instructions for everything from
complicated software to using an automated telephone system.
In nearly every case, these projects have deadlines that do not coincide
with the end of LA-701’s semester, so I find myself editing/reading/grading
drafts, at best penultimate drafts. So it is with the example offered here, a “first
final draft” of a journal article to be submitted to Applied Physics Letters. In this
manner I continue playing the role of a colleague writer/editor regarding the
students’ writing, and, in this case, read and marked this draft when I received
it, mailed to my home three weeks after the final class session.
In classroom preparation for this assignment, we review materials on
report formats (front matter, body, back matter, and appropriate headings),
writing abstracts, writing executive summaries, methods of citing references,
using appendices, proper use and placement of visuals, and, finally, a review of
diction issues. This review involves four classes involving lectures and exer-
cises referring to readings taken from textbooks, professional journal articles,
and the “SandReport” (the title given to a common form of an in-house, Sandia
report) on how to format SandReports.
The final lecture session focuses on designing a peer evaluation/review
sheet for the documents that students are preparing. Students design their own
evaluation/review sheets; unlike the proposal assignment, I do not devise a
more general evaluation/review sheet for my marking of the papers.
In the final two classes of the term, students present their “works-in-
progress” in oral reports. Sometimes final reports are submitted in time to be
returned at the final class. More often, I receive drafts in the mail and return
marked copy, sometimes weeks after the final class session, as in this case.
Explanation of Commentary
Sarah Everist signed up for this class, to a great extent, to work on this
particular journal article. Earlier in the term during the audience analysis part
of our study, she analyzed the style of three articles similar in length and
approach to hers that had been published previously in Applied Physics Letters.
297
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
She was particularly attentive to passive voice use, discovering that introduc-
tions and conclusions used active voice with personal pronouns, but that
discussions of methods and procedure used impersonal, passive voice con-
structions.
My marks focus on giving the paper a strong, narrative dimension: the
reader needs to know who does what to whom, when, and with what result.
Doing this in Sarah’s writing often means changing passive constructions to
active ones (as in line 5), or, as in line 12, simplifying the predicate to focus on
the action involved. Unlike an editor, I do not offer an alternative reading for
the line 12 sentence (which, like an editor, I did in line 7). To reinforce the
narrative, active writing I want to see developed, I underlined and applauded
the clarity of the active, declarative construction “we developed a technique
which significantly improves endurance” given in lines 17-18, implicitly sug-
gesting that other sentences would be improved by following this one.
My preoccupation with verbs continues on page two and on to the end.
Here and farther down I also suggest where headings (which are part of the
journal’s format) might appear. My end comment is upbeat and positive. I do
find the article “very readable,” and I hope by saying so to influence Sarah to
edit the few places I have marked (and on her own to edit other, unmarked
places) in her final draft to make the article more readable still.
298
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
High Endurance Cycling of Silicon-Oxide-Nitride-Oxide-Semiconduc-
tor
Transistors Using Asymmetric Write/Erase Pulses
Sarah C. Everist, Samuel L. Miller, and Jerome F. Jakubczak
Sandia National Laboratories, Albuquerque, New Mexico 87185
——————————————————————————————————
Abstract (still to be written)
Nature and scope of investigation
Principal results
Conclusion
——————————————————————————————————
High endurance-cycling of silicon-oxide-nitride-oxide
semiconductor (SONOS), silicon-nitride-oxide-semiconductor
(SNOS), and metal-nitride-oxide-semiconductor (MNOS) memory
transistors results in degradation, reducing data retention time
(1, 2, references). Positive shifts in the threshold voltages
are observed for both the logic ‘1’, or excess electron state,
and the logic ‘0’, or excess hole state. However, the logic ‘0’
state experiences a larger positive shift, relative to the logic
‘1’ state. This results in a reduction in the retention window
size (the difference in the threshold voltages of the logic ‘1’
and logic ‘0’ state). Shifts in the logic ‘0’ threshold voltage
are accompanied by an increase in the decay rate of the logic ‘0’
state (1, 2, references).
Cycling degradation is accompanied by an increase in the
density of Si-SiO
2
interface states (references). Hole transport
through the tunnel oxide, resulting in the creation of hole traps
in the SiO2 and the generation of Si-SO
2
interface states, has
been hypothesized to be the major source of cycling degradation
(3, references). Using this hypothesis, we developed a technique
good
simplify predicate? active verb?
shifts to the positive(?) Again – more action/narration?
find an active voice
construction to place
the topic before the
reader in a narrative
context – as
part of
a story
with
actors,
actions,
&
consequences.
Check
against
your
analysis
of the
journal's
dominant
style
299
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
which significantly improves endurance. If cycling degradation
is caused by hole transport through the tunnel oxide, one should
be able to improve endurance by limiting hole injection. This
can be accomplished by cycling the transistor with an asymmetric,
strong write, weak erase pulse.
This hypothesis was tested using SONOS n-channel
transistors, which were fabricated on the same wafers with SONOS
16K memories. These transistors consist of a thermally grown,
tunnel-oxide of 16 angstroms and a deposited nitride of 250
angstroms. The nitride is oxidized to form an approximately 50
angstrom top-oxide and a final nitride thickness of approximately
225 angstroms. After the polysilicon gate deposition and prior
to metalization, the transistors receive a hydrogen anneal for
one hour at 900 C.
We cycled these transistors, using strong write, weak erase
pulses to achieve an initial positive threshold voltage of
approximately 2.0V and a negative threshold voltage of 0 to -
0.5V, respectively. We used either an asymmetric pulse amplitude
or an asymmetric pulsewidth; either condition produced similar
results. For the asymmetric pulse amplitude, pulsing conditions
were 16V, 1ms for the write pulse, and 11.5V, 1ms for the erase
pulse. For the asymmetric pulsewidth, we used 16V, 1ms for the
write pulse and 16V, 20us for the erase pulse. Other transistors
were cycled using symmetric, write-erase pulses of +/-16V
amplitude and 1 ms pulsewidth.
Threshold voltage measurements at 10uA drain current were
taken after each decade of cycling from 10
3
to 10
8
cycles.
Programming conditions for the retention tests were identical to
High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors Page 2
end of intro
(New Heading Here)?? Methods (?)
top-oxide layer of
s
good
use
same verb
construction
We took
lc
.
300
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
the cycling conditions. During the retention tests, the
threshold voltage was monitored for 100 seconds. After 10
8
cycles, longer duration retention measurements were taken. These
retention tests lasted 3x10
4
seconds. For the longer durationerm
retention tests, both symmetrically and asymmetrically cycled
transistors were first programmed asymmetrically and measured,
then programmed using symmetric programming conditions, and re-
measured. For either cycling condition, asymmetric cycling pulse
amplitude or pulsewidth, results are similar if the initial
threshold voltages are the same.
Fig. 1 shows the threshold voltage for both logic ‘0’ and
logic ‘1’ states, measured 100 seconds, as a function of the
number of cycles, for both symmetrically and asymmetrically
cycled transistors. For the symmetrically cycled transistors,
the initial retention window, measured at zero cycles, is
approximately 4 volts. However, the degradation becomes severe
as the number of cycles increase, reducing the window to
approximately 1.25 volts by 10
8
cycles. The asymmetrically
cycled transistors have a smaller initial window of approximately
2 volts; due to the weaker clear pulse, the logic ‘0’ state is
less negative. They experience little degradation. After 10
8
cycles, the window is approximately 1,88 volts, greater than 0.6
volts larger than that of the symmetrically cycled transistor.
Retention time can be further increased by reprogramming,
using a symmetric pulse, after asymmetric cycling. The memory
window, measured after 10
8
cycles is shown in Fig. 2 as a
function of retention time, for both symmetrically cycled and
asymmetrically cycled transistors. Asymmetric cycling, followed
High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors Page 3
Results (new heading)
more
reference?
D
s
:
.
301
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
by symmetric programming, results in the largest window over a
period of 3x10
4
seconds. A linear extrapolation of the data
suggests the window size will still be several tenths of a volt
after 10 years. Samples cycled asymmetrically with no change in
programming have a larger window than the symmetriclly cycled
samples. The extrapolated data suggest longer retention times as
well; on the order of one year for asymmetric cycling, 3 days for
symmetric cycling. Based on the extrapolated values in Fig. 1,
this difference would be expected to increase with increasing
cycles.
——————————————————————————————————
Discussion (3 paragraphs still to be written, including several
of the following)
Result of effects:
Extrapolating the data is reasonable.
Trade-off between long retention and high number of cycles.
Discuss decay-rate?
Principles, relationships, generalizations shown by results
Any exceptions, lack of correlation, unsettled points.
How results and interpretations agree or contrast with
other published work.
Theoretical implications.
——————————————————————————————————
Two types of applications for asymmetric programming are
feasible. In the first, a high number of cycles is required,
followed by a short retention time. This can be achieved by
programming with asymmetric, long write, short clear pulses. In
the second application, long retention times are required after
periods of cycling. The part can be programmed with asymmetric,
long write, short clear pulses, to reduce degradation due to
cycling. When long retention is needed, the part can be repro-
grammed with symmetric pulses. However, it must be determined in
High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors Page 4
Very readable! Can you make the narrative stronger
with more active voice at the top? Look also at
headings to guide the reader through the discussion.
CONCLUSION?
302
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
advance when longer retention times are required, in order to
change the programming conditions. This may be acceptable for
systems which shut down as a response to some external stimulus.
In summary, we have demonstrated a technique to achieve
retention times greater than approximately 10 years after experi-
encing in excess of 10
8
cycles. Useful retention times after 10
10
cycles appears to be achievable.
References
1
A.I. Agafonov, A.F. Plotnikov, V.N. Seleznev, Mikroelektronika 10
127 (1981).
2
P. Gentil, S. Chausse, IEEE Trans. Electron Devices, ED-25 1042
(1978).
3
E. Suzuki, Y. Hayashi, J. Appl. Phys. 52 6377 (1981).
High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors Page 5
303
Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico
LOGIC '1'
LOGIC '0'
CYCLES
3
2
1
0
-1
-2
-3
10
0
10
1
10
2
10
3
10
4
10
5
10
6
10
7
10
8
10
9
10
10
V
T
H
@
1
0
0
s
e
c
.
ASYMMETRIC CYCLING
SYMMETRIC CYCLING
FIG. 1. Threshold Voltage Shifts for both the Logic '1' and the Logic '0' state, measured at 100
seconds, for a SONOS transistor cy cled with symmetric write/erase pulses and a SONOS transistor
cycled with asymmetric strong write/weak erase pulses. Dashed lines represent extrapolated data.
LOGIC "1"
LOGIC "0"
304
Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
TIME (S)
5
4
3
2
1
0
10
0
10
1
10
2
10
3
10
4
10
5
10
6
10
7
10
8
10
9
10
10
ASYMMETRIC CYCLING/SYMMETRIC PROGRAMMING
ASYMMETRIC CYCLING/PROGRAMMING
FIG. 2. Decay of the retention window, measured after 10 cycles for SONOS transistors cycled with
either symmetric write/erase pulses, or with asymmetric strong write/weak erase pulses. After cycling
the transistors were programmed with pulses identical to the cycling pulse, and retention measurements
were taken. The asymmetrically cycled transistor was then re-programmed with a symmetric write/erase
pulse and measured. Dashed lines represent extrapolated data.
W
I
N
D
O
W
S
I
Z
E
(
V
)
@
1
0
C
Y
C
L
E
S
8
10 YR
SYMMETRIC CYCLING/PROGRAMMING
8
305 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
Chapter 8
The Commentary of
Dorothy Winsor
GMI Engineering & Management Institute
Dorothy A. Winsor is an Associate Professor of Communication at GMI Engi-
neering & Management Institute in Flint, Michigan. She teaches written and
oral communication to engineering co-op students. She does research on the
writing of engineers, publishing in such journals as College Composition and
Communication, The Journal of Business and Technical Communication, Written
Communication, and IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication. She
received the 1991 National Council of Teachers of English award for Best
Article on Philosophy or Theory of Technical or Scientific Communication.
She has a Ph.D. in English from Wayne State University.
306 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Letter of Application and Résumé
Description of Assignment
In a senior course on written and oral communication, this assignment
asked the students to select real jobs for which they were qualified and would
like to be considered. They could include real information only.
Students received the standard instructions to talk about what they could do
for the company, rather than vice versa.
Explanation of Commentary
This is a nice letter and résumé. Of course, it should be. It was written
by a senior who had good co-op work experience to list, and it was edited in
class by two other students before it was turned in. A number of things make
it a good piece of work:
The opening paragraph of Brian’s letter cites a name the reader will be
familiar with, identifies a specific position, and suggests a willingness to be
useful. The listed evidence of his qualifications is specific and relevant. Indent-
ing it makes it very visible.
The letter’s final paragraph makes it easy for the reader to contact
Brian. Brian’s résumé gives much of the same material but in different words
so as not to sound repetitious. He presents experience, education, and refer-
ences so as to demonstrate his strengths. Both the letter and the résumé are
attractively arranged.
Brian chose to change names, addresses, and phone numbers here, in
order to protect his and his company’s privacy.
307 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
123 Elm Street
Flint, MI 10010
October 11,1989
Mr. Tony Moore
Personnel Manager
ABC Corporation
2244 Lakeshore Drive
Chicago, Il 80050
Dear Mr. Moore:
At the suggestion of Mr. Tom Nelson, Supervisor of
brake testing and assembly, I am writing to apply for the
position of test stand engineer. My work experience as a
co-operative
student in test stand development and my education at Gen-
eral Motors Institute will help me to make contributions to
brake systems development and manufacturing. My qualifica-
tions
include:
Three years of work experience at ABC Corporation in
Chicago, Il. I was assigned to the Antilock clean
room
assembly and test area, where I designed and pro-
grammed
hydraulic and pneumatic test stands.
Development of a data collection network using per-
sonal computers and data modules for early
detection and
elimination of problem components in the assembly
process.
Exposure to manufacturing processes of disc brakes,
master cylinders, and wheel cylinders.
I expect to receive my Bachelor of Science Degree in
Electrical Engineering in June, 1991, from General Motors
Institute. I look forward to hearing from you. I can be
reached any evening at (313)-222-7575. Thank-you for your
consideration.
Sincerely,
Brian Hall
capitalize both letters for a zip code abbreviation
As I'm sure you know,
this is no longer the name
of the school. If you want
to include the old name
for recognizability, you
can say "GMI Engineering &
Management Institute (formerly
General Motors Institute)"
Nice letter
308 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
BRIAN HALL
123 Elm Street
Flint, MI 10010
(313)- 222-7575
Professional Objective
A position in an automotive electronics manufacturer,
specializing in automotive braking systems. I feel my
experiences in assembly and testing of braking systems will
enable me to make significant contributions in brake sys-
tems
development.
Work Experience
1986-1991 Employed as a co-operative student
for the ABC Corporation for three years.
While there I gained experience in:
Programming of programmable controllers
and design of hydraulic and pneu-
matic test stands.
Development of a data collection network
using data modules and Allen-
Bradley programmable logic
controllers. This network
allowed for early detection of faulty
components during the processes assembly
and testing.
Working knowledge of computer aided
drafting in electrical and hydraulic
layouts.
Education
1986-1991 Bachelor’s Degree in Electrical Engi-
neering
with a minor in management, from GMI
Engineering & Management Institute.
Activities
Institute of Electrical and Electronic
Engineers
National Honor Society
Management Club
References
Tom Nelson Dave Nash
Supervisor of Brake Supervisor Test
Test and Assembly Stand Technicians
Chicago, Il Chicago, Il
(312)-492-4241 (312)-492-4241
Ext 450 Ext 400
Good evidence
Clear language
with
move over two
spaces to show
it's not a new
item
309 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
Instructions
Description of Assignment
This assignment from a freshman course in written and oral communi-
cation was taken from The Technical Writing Casebook by Thomas N. Trzyna and
Margaret W. Batschelet (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 1988, pp. 148-154). It called
for students to write a set of instructions for maintaining a laser printer. It was
a typical case assignment, in that it provided the writer with a role (technical
writer for the company making the printer), an audience (office workers whose
company purchased the printer), and a purpose for writing (instructions were
to be included in the User’s Guide for the printer). The case gave the writer all
the information needed to write the instructions, but in a jumbled and redun-
dant form that the writer would have to sort through and organize.
Explanation of Commentary
These instructions were the second writing assignment completed by a
freshman during his first term at GMI. Given the early point at which this
work was done, it’s quite good. The instructions are clear, parallel, and in the
imperative mood. Warnings are given at appropriate spots, and the student
has made a good effort to position sub-sets of instructions where the reader
will be able to find them. Notice, for instance, the two options under step four
of “Clearing Paper Jams” or the material on special kinds of paper at the end of
the section on “Adding Paper.”
One problem on page three is typical of case assignments. In describing
how to clear paper jams, the student writes of removing a toner drum, but not
a printer drum. The case was somewhat ambiguous about whether there really
were two separate drums, but I think there were. I am inclined to be lenient
about grading this area, however, because neither the student nor I have any
way to verify our conclusions. When I returned these instructions to the class, I
pointed out that this was an ambiguity they would have been able (and re-
quired) to clear up at work.
A similar problem occurs at the end of the “Adding Paper” section on
page two. The instructions for orienting the tops of letterhead and double-
sided paper are contradictory, but they echo the case accurately. The student
knew they were contradictory; he just didn’t know what to do about it.
Some of the things I’ve marked are trivial (like moving the heading on
the bottom of page two), but I want students to know that trivial things matter
in determining people’s reactions to a report at work. I want them to know
that accurate information is a necessary but not sufficient quality for a good
report.
310 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Sometimes I’ve marked things because I know the student will need to
know them for a future task. This is the case with aligning Roman numerals,
which the student will need to do when he writes his undergraduate thesis as a
senior.
Students turn reports in to me marked only with their student ID
number rather than their name, so that I can grade them anonymously. Be-
cause the number is also the student’s social security number, he removed it
when he consented to this assignment’s appearance in this book. He opted not
to substitute his name.
311 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
ELGIN ELECTRONICS, INC.
MAINTENANCE PROCEDURES FOR ELGIN 734 LASER PRINTER
This section describes the step-by-step maintenance
procedures for the Elgin 734 laser printer. These proce-
dures are divided into five easy-to-follow categories:
I. BASIC INFORMATION
II. ADDING PAPER
III. ADDING TONER
IV. CLEARING PAPER JAMS
V. REMOVING COPIES
Important information relevant to a procedure is marked
throughout this text with an asterisk (*) and should be
read before following the next procedure.
I. BASIC INFORMATION
1. The PAUSE button must be pressed before any maintenance
procedures are to be performed.
2. The front panel door must be unlocked with the supplied
key to gain access to maintenance areas within the printer.
3. The printer will not operate with the front panel door
open.
II. ADDING PAPER
* The ELGIN 734 comes standard with eight removable differ-
ent trays of which three are inserted into three different
input drawers. These drawers are inserted into the printer
inside the right end of the printer. The remaining five
trays are stored elsewhere (not within the printer).
* Any type of paper may be used at any time in the printer.
However, the right type of paper must be put into the right
tray before operation. All trays are color coded to sim-
plify this process. Check the User’s Guide for a listing
of all various paper sizes and their corresponding input
trays.
1. Press PAUSE. * Wait until light stops flashing.
2. Unlock the front panel door.
3. Pull out the desired input drawer.
4. Pull out the tray from the imput drawer.
At any time,
can
can be
should be
(give page #)
A
It's customary to line up
Roman numerals on right
(by period), rather than on left.
the pause
312 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
5. Put the proper type of paper into the tray. * There is
maximum of five hundred sheets that can be inserted into
the tray.
6. Insert the tray back into the imput drawer.
7. Insert the imput drawer back into the printer.
8. Push the front panel door closed.
9. Press RUN to resume normal operation.
* For pre-printed letterhead paper, the printed side must
be placed face down in the tray with the top of the paper
pointed toward the back of the tray.
* For double-sided printing, the paper must be turned with
the printed side up and top pointed toward the front of the
tray.
III. ADDING TONER
* WARNING: Use only ELGIN 1830 TONER or serious damage can
occur to printer.
* WARNING: Toner causes irreversible damage to clothing,
desks, etc.... Care should be taken to avoid spillage
during filling.
1. Press PAUSE.
2. Unlock the front panel door.
3. Push the lever in front labelled “TONER RELEASE” to the
right.
4. Pull out the toner drum located behind the release
lever.
5. Remove the top off of the toner drum.
6. Add toner.
7. Secure the top back on to the toner drum.
8. Push the toner drum back behind the release lever.
9. Slide the release lever back to the left (normal posi-
tion).
* If lever will not resume normal position, push the toner
drum as far back as possible.
Move the heading
to the next page.
Wait for the PAUSE light to stop flashing.
313 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
Commas
& periods
go
inside
quotes.
1 I think you also have to remove
a printer drum.
2 You may want to repeat the
warning about the toner
stains.
sp
10. Close the front panel door.
11. Press RUN to resume normal operation.
IV. CLEARING PAPER JAMS
* If a paper jam occurs, the console screen located on top
of the printer will flash “PAPER JAM AT...” and give the
location.
1. Press PAUSE.
2. Unlock the front door panel.
3. Look in the location specified.
4. Clear all paper from jammed area.
* If jammed at the paper trays, pull the tray out of the
imput drawer, remove the jammed paper, and insert the tray
back into the drawer.
* If jammed at the printing drum, press the lever in front
labelled “TONER RELEASE”, remove the toner (see ADDING
TONER), remove the jammed paper, and insert the toner drum
back into its original position.
5. Close the front panel door
6. Press RUN to resume normal operation.
V. REMOVING COPIES
* After copies are produced, they are sorted into one of
six bins located on the left side of the printer. The bins
can be designated for each type by following the instruc-
tions in the User’s Guide.
1. Press PAUSE.
2. Open the bin door.
3. Take copies out of the bins.
* If confidential copies are desired, a lockbox with a
seperate locked tray is provided for one of the bins. Two
keys are needed: one to get the lockbox out of the bin and
one to unlock the lockbox. To use the confidential option:
1. Press PAUSE.
2. Unlock the lockbox from the bin.
3. Pull the lockbox out of the bin.
314 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
4. Unlock the lockbox.
5. Take the desired copies out of lockbox.
6. Press PAUSE.
7. Slide lockbox back into bin until the lockbox clicks
back into place. * The lockbox must be unlocked and
emptied before it is to be put back into place in the bin.
8. Press run to resume normal operation.
Nice job
RUN
315 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
Proposal
Description of Assignment
Directions for this assignment were given orally and supplemented by
instructions to read the chapter on proposals in Paul Anderson’s Technical
Writing: A Reader-Centered Approach (San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich,
1987).
The assignment called for seniors to write a proposal to their co-op
sponsor requesting that they be allowed to write their undergraduate thesis on
a topic of their choice.
All GMI students co-op, and the normal degree program takes five
years to complete. In the fifth year, students spend nine months at their spon-
soring company, working on a major project that GMI and the company have
agreed on. The student then writes the project up as the final requirement for
graduation.
The choice of topic is important to the student both because it domi-
nates his or her life in the last year of college and because it often determines
the area the student will be hired to work in after graduation. At most spon-
soring companies, students can request a thesis topic, but the sponsor has to be
convinced of the topic’s value in order to approve it. Many students writing
this assignment planned to use the document they produced.
In order to facilitate my reading of the proposal, I asked students to
attach a cover memo explaining anything I would need to know to understand
the document.
Explanation of Commentary
Sometimes I think the most valuable part of this assignment is the cover
memo. In order to write it, the student must make judgements on what I can
be expected to know and what must be explained. It is thus a good exercise in
audience analysis that I am in a position to evaluate well. Eric judges (cor-
rectly) that I will know what ergonomics is and that I will not need to be
reminded that the Anderson text calls for a section giving a possible solution.
On the other hand, he knows I will need to be told about information specific
to his employer, such as his relationship to the reader of his proposal or the
name of the die casting process his employer uses. He varies the textbook
model when he thinks it appropriate, but explains the reason to me so I won’t
think he was just careless. All this is good work.
The opening of Eric’s report now seems very clear to me, but I left my
original reaction on it because if I had to read the opening more than once for it
316 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
to be clear, then someone else might have to also. I think the report should be
as clear as possible the first time through.
The content and organization of Eric’s proposal are strong, but he’s
made a number of small language errors that hurt his grade. The Anderson
text notes that reports asking for something (like a proposal) need to be more
highly polished than informative reports.
The conclusion section of Eric’s report is a slightly altered version of the
conclusion used in the sample proposal in the Anderson text. In general, I
don’t like such direct cribbing, but this version reads pretty well and seems to
be appropriate.
317 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
GMI-EMI
Interschool Memorandum
TO: Dr. Dorothy Winsor
FROM: Eric Gonzales
DATE: October 20, 1989
RE: Terminology in Project Proposal.
The following are some terms or names you should be
familiar with while reading my report:
• LEOMACS - A vertical die casting process. I
did not explain each of the letters because
I could not remember what they stood for.
Also, It is usually not explained in
the reports at work. It is used as a name.
• Kevin Brown - He is our Divisional Materials
Engineer. However, he oversees the project
coordinator involved with LEOMACS.
• Synchronous Manufacturing - It has been de-
fined in my division as the elimination of
waste. It mainly involves the process of
getting a part out the door in the least
amount of time.
• PPMP - This is the Product Program Management
Process which is a guide to bringing new
products or processes into production. It
currently does not include synchronous
manufacturing objectives.
• Capacity vs. a “Just-In-Time” system - The
capacity oriented system judges its effective-
ness in terms of man-hours required to pro-
duce a part and volume producing capability.
“Just-In-Time” systems measure effective-
ness in lead time (the time it takes to
convert raw materials into a product and
ship it to the customer).
• An optimized work cell is a work area designed
so that a worker can operate effectively
and efficiently. Ergonomics and
methods analysis are typically used to
optimize human and machine resources within the
cell.
• Methods Analysis - The process of breaking
down an operator’s movements into spe-
cific acts so they may be improved.
I did not feel that the possible solution section was
applicable to my proposal. I am primarily concerned with
implementing synchronous manufacturing in a different phase
of development. Right now we wait until the process is
developed before we make it synchronous.
Helpful information,
especially the last two
sentences.
318 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
PROJECT PROPOSAL
TO: Kevin Brown
FROM: Eric Gonzales
DATE: October 20, 1989
SUBJECT: Fifth year thesis proposal to implement
synchronous manufacturing on the LEOMACS die
casting process
As a fifth year thesis project, I request permission
to implement synchronous manufacturing on the LEOMACS die
casting process. The project would generate the criteria
needed to make smooth transition from new process develop-
ment to production.
Current Synchronous Activities
The present Product Program Management Process
(PPMP) does not include synchronous manufacturing criteria
for new processes. Making processes operate effectively
and
efficiently has always been Advanced Manufacturing
Engineering’s responsibility.
Synchronous activities, in general, take place
after a process has been implemented. An often sought
approach is to have consultants develop material handling
systems around new equipment instead of developing the two
together.
Problems with the Present Approach
The fact that synchronous activities are not in-
cluded in the PPMP leads to the following problems:
• Changes in product features to accomodate
production equipment.
• Specialized material handling systems that add
to overhead costs. This includes a com-
mitment to material handling systems that
could have been avoided.
• Additional floor space required to accomodate
buffer zones used for scrap or line balancing.
• Development of capacity oriented systems that
limit “Just-In-Time” delivery techniques and
capabilities.
A lack of synchronous commitment up front creates a
domino effect that is very difficult to correct. For
example, an increased buffer zone requires more floor space
which means
used
sp
1
The link between
the first & second
sentence
here is
not clear
to me,
although
it may
be to
Brown
(as I
read this
through
the second
time, I
could see
the
connection
better.
319 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
2
Good explanation of problems with current system
S-V
higher taxes, higher heating bills, more lights, more
maintenace for the lights, more trucking to and from the
buffer zone, more batteries and maintenance for the trucks,
etc. More importantly, unforeseen problems resulting in
product feature changes
has created dissatisfied customers.
Objectives of the Proposal
The project I am proposing will focus on the following
areas:
• Inventory Reduction.
• Quick die changes for small, flexible batches
of products.
• Flow simplification through line balancing
activities.
• Optimization of human and machine resources.
• Uniform equipment loads.
• A preventative defect system.
• A preventative maintenance system.
Details of the Project
Much of the work will consist of developing an opti-
mized work cell layout that will facilitate high utilization
of machine and human resources. A computer model will be
developed to simulate machine operation. The computer model
will include differences in processing rates, cycle times,
downtimes, and die change rates that will be analyzed to
determine the optimium operating characteristics.
Individual workstations will be developed utilizing
ergonomics and methods analysis. Therefore, workers will be
fully utilized with the least amount of physical and mental
stress.
A preventative maintenance team will be formulated to
develop criteria that will keep the LEOMACS process running
at expected uptimes.
A statistically based sampling system of produced
parts and operating parameters will be designed to facili-
tate a
preventative scrap system.
Resources Needed
The following items will aid project completion.
• Use of Modern Data Systems (MDS) personnel to
aid in developing a simulation
copmuter model.
320 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
• Jones Engineering will be contracted to draw
the final work cell layout.
• Machine information including drawings, cycle
times, expected scrap rates, and estimated
product demand.
Schedule
Exhibit I shows the critical planning meeded to
successfully complete the project on time.
Qualifications
I have conducted similar projects at school that
were based on case studies. I have experience with
SIMAN, the simulation program MDS uses. I have had
ergonomics, facilities planning and design, material
handling systems, and advanced methods analysis. All
of these will aid in implementing the project.
Conclusion
I am very enthusiastic about this project and
would like to see LEOMACS be more successful than it
already is. I hope you will let me utilize my services
in this endeavor.
classes in
3
This item is a sentence and the
other two are phrases – Make
them
parallel
321 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
T
H
E
S
I
S
C
O
N
F
E
R
E
N
C
E
W
I
T
H
F
A
C
U
L
T
Y
A
D
V
I
S
O
R
1
/
8
9
F
A
C
U
L
T
Y
A
C
C
E
P
T
A
N
C
E
O
R
R
E
J
E
C
T
I
O
N
P
R
O
P
O
S
E
D
T
H
E
S
I
S
A
S
S
I
G
N
M
E
N
T
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
9
/
8
/
8
9
P
R
O
B
L
E
M
F
O
R
M
U
L
A
T
I
O
N
1
0
/
2
0
/
8
9
C
O
N
F
E
R
E
N
C
E
W
I
T
H
F
A
C
U
L
T
Y
S
U
P
E
R
V
I
S
O
R
1
0
/
9
/
8
9
O
B
J
E
C
T
I
V
E
S
S
E
T
1
1
/
1
/
8
9
S
T
U
D
E
N
T
P
L
A
N
O
F
A
T
T
A
C
K
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
I
N
I
T
I
A
L
M
E
E
T
I
N
G
W
I
T
H
F
A
C
U
L
T
Y
A
N
D
D
.
O
.
A
D
V
I
S
O
R
O
F
F
I
C
I
A
L
S
T
A
R
T
D
A
T
E
1
/
7
/
9
0
1
2
/
1
5
/
8
9
1
1
/
3
/
8
9
D
A
T
A
C
O
L
L
E
C
T
I
O
N
M
O
D
E
L
D
E
S
I
G
N
P
R
O
P
O
S
E
D
F
I
R
S
T
P
R
O
G
R
E
S
S
R
E
P
O
R
T
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
2
/
3
/
9
0
2
/
1
/
9
0
S
I
M
U
L
A
T
I
O
N
M
O
D
E
L
C
O
M
P
L
E
T
E
S
I
M
U
L
A
T
I
O
N
M
O
D
E
L
V
A
L
I
D
A
T
E
D
3
/
1
/
9
0
3
/
3
0
/
9
0
S
I
M
U
L
A
T
I
O
N
M
O
D
E
L
V
E
R
I
F
I
E
D
2
/
1
/
9
0
3
/
3
0
/
9
0
4
/
1
5
/
9
0
A
T
T
E
N
D
I
N
G
S
C
H
O
O
L
A
P
R
I
L
-
J
U
N
E
6
/
2
2
/
9
0
E
X
P
E
R
I
M
E
N
T
A
L
D
E
S
I
G
N
C
H
A
N
G
E
S
7
/
2
0
/
9
0
S
E
C
O
N
D
P
R
O
G
R
E
S
S
R
E
P
O
R
T
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
7
/
2
5
/
9
0
S
I
M
U
L
A
T
E
D
P
R
O
D
U
C
T
I
O
N
R
U
N
S
7
/
2
0
/
9
0
O
P
T
I
O
N
A
L
C
O
N
F
E
R
E
N
C
E
W
I
T
H
F
A
C
U
L
T
Y
A
D
V
I
S
O
R
8
/
9
/
9
0
R
E
S
U
L
T
S
O
F
S
I
M
U
L
A
T
I
O
N
S
T
U
D
Y
8
/
1
5
/
9
0
P
R
E
L
I
M
I
N
A
R
Y
T
H
E
S
I
S
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
8
/
2
6
/
9
0
P
R
E
L
I
M
I
N
A
R
Y
T
H
E
S
I
S
R
E
T
U
R
N
E
D
T
O
S
T
U
D
E
N
T
9
/
2
7
/
9
0
F
I
N
A
L
T
H
E
S
I
S
D
U
E
-
G
M
I
1
1
/
8
/
9
0
F
I
N
A
L
C
O
P
I
E
S
D
U
E
A
T
T
H
E
S
I
S
P
L
A
N
O
F
F
I
C
E
1
2
/
1
/
9
0
Exhibit I
322 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
GMI students all spend six months of each year working full-time as co-
op employees. This assignment, the first one in a senior course, called for
students to analyze the speaking and writing they had done at work. I told
them that I was their audience and that I wanted information about what really
went on at work to use for teaching and research. I asked them to discuss the
writing and speaking they did, how they learned to do it, and their evaluations
of how well they performed. They were limited to three pages.
Explanation of Commentary
This is a nicely done analytical report. Chris’s handling of it reflects
some of the things we had been talking about in class, and I tried to reward
him for that. We had discussed purpose statements, for instance, as described
in Mathes and Stevenson’s Designing Technical Reports (Indianapolis: Bobbs-
Merrill, 1976), and we had covered direct organization. Chris manages both of
those techniques well. He also includes good specifics on what happened at
his work place. Some of his classmates wound up giving good general advice
about writing, which was inappropriate given that I was the audience. (As I
prepared my contributions for this book, I realized how often I evaluate the
work of one student based on the pitfalls other students have fallen into.)
I don’t teach grammar in the senior class, so I find it’s often useful to
explain grammatical errors in the margins of student papers. My students are
usually educable enough that they don’t make the mistake again.
For this example, the student has changed the name of the company.
323 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
TO: Dorothy Winsor
FROM: C. Brua
DATE: October 14, 1988
SUBJECT: Written & Oral Communication II; Assignment #1
Purpose
Engineering co-op students are often expected to relate
information in the form of written and oral reports.
Instructing these students in the proper procedure for giving
such reports is therefore quite important. However, proper
instruction cannot be given without first learning what type
of writing and speaking experience the students have.
Consequently, I was asked to give an account of the types of
speaking and writing tasks I have done during my various work
sections. The purpose of this report is to relate my writing
and speaking experiences at work.
Summary
Working at Acme Products Inc., I have not been required
to give formal oral presentations, but have had to relay
information orally through informal meetings. I have had to
write informal documents such as memos and work requests, that
have a limited audience, but are used quite often. My formal
writing experience includes test reports and product descrip-
tions. These documents have a specific format that is used,
and often have a large audience. I was not given much training
in informal writing, but I was aided when it came to formal
writing. I spend about half of my time performing writing tasks
of some kind, and whether it is formal or informal, all writing
should be informative and easily understood by anyone
(regardless of their background).
Discussion
Background
I work for ACME Products Incorporated in the Product
Development Center (PDC) in Detroit, Michigan. ACME is an
automotive supplier, dealing mainly with electronic control
modules. The PDC is composed mainly of engineers and
technicians who do all of the product development and prototype
testing/fabrication for the company. The facility employs
about 30 engineers, 10 technicians, and 5 managers.
weak heading
- not
informative
good
purpose
statement
good
direct
org.
324 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Oral Presentations
During the three years that I’ve worked at ACME, I have
never been required to give a formal oral presentation. I have,
however, headed several informal meetings. These meetings
usually dealt with minor subjects such as: testing procedures,
initial designs, and project status updates. They were always
very informal, which took some of the nervousness out of
speaking in front of a group of people. I believe the relatively
small size of the place in which I work has a lot to do with
the informality I’ve encountered. Everyone feels like we’re
a large family, and that comes across in the way we work with
each other. Needless to say, if I am ever called upon to give
a formal presentation, I will have no experience to draw on and
am likely to be ill-prepared.
Written Reports
Any formal communication at the PDC is almost always in
writing. I have had experience in many different types of
wrirting including: memos, work requests, test reports, and
product descriptions.
Whenever I need information from someone, I write them
a memo requesting whatever it is that I require. These memos
are quite formal in their style, but are rarely seen by anyone
other than the person I’m writing the memo to. I found it odd
that a document of such limited scope would have such a formal
appearance. I was never given any advice on how to write a memo,
so I began by looking at memos that other employees had written,
and based my own memos on them. Once I got used to it, memo
writing became very easy to do, and I used them quite often as
a basic form of communication among the other employees.
Work requests are another basic form of written
communication that is used quite often where I work. Any task
that is required of the technicians (such as testing, or
prototype fabrication) must be conveyed in writing via a work
request. The reason for this is so that the technicians have
a step-by-step procedure to follow in performing their task.
This alleviates any confusion that might be caused by requesting
a task by word of mouth. I was not given any help in this type
of writing either, but again, by looking at requests that others
had written, I was able to convey tasks to the technicians
without any difficulty.
Test reports are a formal presentation of the results of
some type of testing that has been done. I was required to write
a test report for every test that I requested from the
technicians or that I performed myself. The audience for these
reports was usually my
good
prediction
325 Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute
supervisor, although I was aware that it would probably be
read by the other engineers and anyone else who was interested
in the type of testing that the report was about. Again, I
was not prepared for this type of writing. Because I submitted
my reports to my supervisor, however, he was able to proof-
read them for me and give me advice as to how they should
be written. The format for these reports was quite different
from the academic reports that I had written up to this point.
The reports had to convey the test results in a clear and
concise manner that could be understood by anyone. I learned
that not everyone has the time to read an entire report, thus
the reports must be written so that the background (reason
for performing the test) and results can be found easily and
understood without having to read the body of the report.
Product descriptions were the most formal writing that
I was required to do. They are documents that describe a
product that ACME manufactures. The audience for these
writings is ultimately a customer, so great care must be taken
to be informative and easily understood. Because of the
audience, I was given a manual that directed me as to the
content of the document, style with which it was to be written,
and contained several examples to use for reference. The
product descriptions had to be approved by my supervisor, the
head of engineering, and the head of sales, before they could
be printed out and distributed. I was surprised that
documents of such importance were given to me to write, but
my supervisor convinced me that it was necessary for me to
get used to this kind of writing since engineers are often
required to relate information to potential customers when
salesmen lack the technical background that is necessary.
General
I estimate that I spend about half of my time doing
writing of some kind. The time that I spend designing a
circuit or testing a prototype is almost always equalled by
the time I spend documenting the design or reporting the test
results. Good communication is a necessity at work. It allows
people of diverse backgrounds to work together to achieve a
common goal.
Research shows that right
justifying a document
tends to decrease its
readability.
Nice report. Good
specifics & good
organization.
CS
=comma
splice
=two
complete
sentences
joined
by a
comma
?
parallelism
-my
change
still
doesn't
fix
it
because
you can't be
"directed
...as to"
"several
examples"
the