The Interview
Content
Dr. Sherwank is professor emeritus of didgeridoo acoustics and sundial engineering at the University of
Useless Majors. He is also nobel prize winner in the fields of Jersey Shore Tattoo Art, and Pokemon
Morphology. He has discussed Zimbabwean Exceptionalism at length, noting that many of their
citizens have become quadrillionaires despite the United States' ability to only produce billionaires. He
has criticized the Pentagon for the plan to send giant penis drones to Iraq, citing the legal precedent
from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel On Sexual Terrorism (I-POST) that states that a commission of
feminists must make all decisions regarding sexual warfare. We welcome the distinguished professor
and are very pleased to interview him.
Robert: So what have you been working on lately, Dr. Sherwank?
Dr. Sherwank: I've been writing a book called the Dynamics of Spacelove, investigating the effects of
black holes on divorce rates in America
Robert: I always suspected my attraction to women other than my wife was being caused by cosmic
voodoo.
Dr. Sherwank- It sure is. Next time your wife sees you checking out another woman's ass, explain to
her that the forces of the universe are working against you.
Robert: Very nice to know. Is anything else in this world being effected by the cosmic forces?
Dr. Sherwank: You know how the Red Sox never win the world series? Solar winds have been
screwing with balls pitched to their batters for ages now.
Robert: Very interesting. Most of the statisticians these days have such tiny salaries that they have to
complement their incomes by using their math skills to win bets on baseball games. Do you have any
advice for physicists who wish to use your book to do something similar?
Dr. Sherwank: Do I ever. Physicists make tiny salaries too, at least in comparison to what they'd make
if they became financial engineers and then used supercomputers to game the stock market. What I
recommend physicists do is study the effects of microwave background radiation on pizza sales
(something to do with anchovies tasting better when they're exposed to microwave radiation) on pizza
futures. Physicists should ideally use their Gamma Fluxino Machines to determine the times at which
radiation is strongest, and then sell their futures at this point.
Robert: And this is the most useful thing to do with these machines?
Dr. Sherwank: It sure is, Robert. You see, a physicist can either use his powers for evil or live a
severely unsatisfied life alone and unappreciated and probably very very depressed too.
Robert: It's always been a pleasure speaking to you Dr. Sherwank
Dr. Sherwank: Thanks for having me on.
Useless Majors. He is also nobel prize winner in the fields of Jersey Shore Tattoo Art, and Pokemon
Morphology. He has discussed Zimbabwean Exceptionalism at length, noting that many of their
citizens have become quadrillionaires despite the United States' ability to only produce billionaires. He
has criticized the Pentagon for the plan to send giant penis drones to Iraq, citing the legal precedent
from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel On Sexual Terrorism (I-POST) that states that a commission of
feminists must make all decisions regarding sexual warfare. We welcome the distinguished professor
and are very pleased to interview him.
Robert: So what have you been working on lately, Dr. Sherwank?
Dr. Sherwank: I've been writing a book called the Dynamics of Spacelove, investigating the effects of
black holes on divorce rates in America
Robert: I always suspected my attraction to women other than my wife was being caused by cosmic
voodoo.
Dr. Sherwank- It sure is. Next time your wife sees you checking out another woman's ass, explain to
her that the forces of the universe are working against you.
Robert: Very nice to know. Is anything else in this world being effected by the cosmic forces?
Dr. Sherwank: You know how the Red Sox never win the world series? Solar winds have been
screwing with balls pitched to their batters for ages now.
Robert: Very interesting. Most of the statisticians these days have such tiny salaries that they have to
complement their incomes by using their math skills to win bets on baseball games. Do you have any
advice for physicists who wish to use your book to do something similar?
Dr. Sherwank: Do I ever. Physicists make tiny salaries too, at least in comparison to what they'd make
if they became financial engineers and then used supercomputers to game the stock market. What I
recommend physicists do is study the effects of microwave background radiation on pizza sales
(something to do with anchovies tasting better when they're exposed to microwave radiation) on pizza
futures. Physicists should ideally use their Gamma Fluxino Machines to determine the times at which
radiation is strongest, and then sell their futures at this point.
Robert: And this is the most useful thing to do with these machines?
Dr. Sherwank: It sure is, Robert. You see, a physicist can either use his powers for evil or live a
severely unsatisfied life alone and unappreciated and probably very very depressed too.
Robert: It's always been a pleasure speaking to you Dr. Sherwank
Dr. Sherwank: Thanks for having me on.
