To Kill a Mockexam
Content
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T o K ill A M ock ex am B y Car l Scutt
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Introduction Recently I took my mock exams \u2013 I did rather badly in all of them. I know that many people dream of doing this badly, and so I have produced this information pack to help with your studies. I warn you now, failing is not as easy as it seems, today, you need to get as low as an F to fail, and that\u2019s not very simple. Don\u2019t worry though, I know the task seems daunting, but with my help, and the information contained in this healthy-sized information pack, you too will be able to fail your mocks and/or GCSEs Bad luck!
Dedication \u2013 with thanks to R.E.M
This one goes out to the one I love This one goes out to the one I left behind A simple prop to occupy my time This one goes out to the one I love FIRE!! FIRE!! FIRE!! FIRE!! This one goes out to the one I love
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\u201cBut I don\u2019t want to fail\u201d
This is something I hear all the time, it\u2019s simply bullshit. Of course you want to fail, if you pass or do well, colleges will accept you, possibly even universities, and you\u2019ll never get that dream job in McDonalds!
Top tips for failure: 1. Answer as if someone was genuinely asking you the question \u201cImran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles does Imran have left?\u201d
We\u2019ve all seen this type of question before \u2013 consider your answer carefully, I know it\u2019s all too tempting to get this right. First of all, let us consider what we would say to this in real life: \u201cWork it out yourself you tosser\u201d
May seem like a good bet for failure, but you\u2019re lacking in detail, let us dwell on the names used for a moment \u2013 Imran and Rasheed. Both are names of an Indian/Muslim origin, and suggest that the exam board is trying it\u2019s best to appear multicultural and not at all racist. Therefore, a good starting point would be to pick at the inaccuracy:
\u201cWhy Imran and Rasheed? If you\u2019re trying to be multicultural, why not use names like Ho-cha-chow or Dafydd or even Steve? It\u2019s hardly multicultural to just pick one specific name origin and just use that\u201d
However, this answer is too detailed, considering we wish to make more points. So it is best to simply summarise: \u201cThose names are stupid\u201d
Now you have made a point about the names, you should question the subject matter \u2013 why does Rasheed want any of Imran\u2019s marbles? Why does Imran have marbles in the first place? Once these questions have been asked, a wrong answer is simply a formality, as the failure is pretty much already guaranteed So, an ideal exam paper/question should look like this:
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Imran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles does Imran have left?
Imran an d Rasheed ar est upi d nam es don ’t know why y ou bother ed putting them in. And what exactly ar ethey doi ng wi th themar bl es?If they ’rethat bored they could just go an d si t exams or somet hing. If Imran tried to givemehis mar bl es, I’d tel l him tofuck of f .
456 marbles
2. Go off topic Let’s face it, the above is risky, they may let you off because you at least referred to the question – we don’t want to pass, so we should go wildly off topic But how to do this successfully? You don’t want to write about something you know about, you’d end up writing correct information – not good! You should debate with yourself about life’s mysteries. Although I encourage you to think of your own, some that I have enjoyed discussing recently are: •
• • •
• •
If Batman is so clever, why does he wear his underpants on the outside? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Should crematoriums give discounts for bur n victims? If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill them selves, is it a hostage situation? If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done? Do babies taste like chicken?
Believe it or not, examiners HATE these kinds of questions, and this means that failing is super easy
3. If it’s an essay question – be brief… and simple In response to the question: “How are presentation and language used to make Item 1 appeal to its target audience?”
You may wish to consider sentences such as:
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“It’s nice. I like it. It looks pretty”
Being as brief and simple as this practically guarantees you a fail. The simplistic vocabulary and basic points here do not signal to the examiner that you are an A* student, they are typical of the kind of thing an idiot would write, and will be marked accordingly
4. Refer to other exams out of context For example, your Spanish paper may say: “Indica si estos son verdad o mentira”
To which you could reply: “I may not understand this, but it sure as hell makes more sense than the trigonometry question I got in maths today”
Firstly, you are answering in the wrong language, and secondly the answer is completely unrelated to the question. Failure all round!
5. Complain about your circumstances This is the easiest method of failing around. All you do is write down your thoughts, as you’re thinking them. On some kind of philosophy essay you may write: “I did put the Christian viewpoint across. Twice. It’s in section a) and section b), I’ve been doing exams all week, now my hand and wrist ache, so I’m not copying it out again, you can go back and read it. Don’t know why you’re asking me anyway, you already know the answers, they’re on your desk, you’re probably half-reading them now to help you mark this – if you knew the question WHY DID YOU ASK?!?!?! It would have been easier for you to look up the answer on the mark scheme than for me to write a bloody essay. You and you’re pointless questions. Twat”
This summarises your feelings about the exam and also about the examiner – you will either be failed for not addressing the question or for calling the examiner a “twat”, either one is fine
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It’s not all about the answers!
Remember, removal from the exam room is the easiest and most straight-forward way to fail Believe it or not, this is true – the answers are only one way to fail. This booklet in itself is a failure tool, smuggle it into the exam room and “accidentally” let one of the invigilators see it during the exam (I find about 15 minutes in works best). Te invigilator will be forced to remove you from the exam room for cheating. You could discuss the work you are doing with the person next to you, helping them to fail as well You could look at the clock and exclaim as loudly as you can: “Shit! I’m missing the Jeremy Kyle Show!” That would work Any kind of exclusion from the exam room is an ideal way to fail, although you do risk a bollocking from teachers and parents alike that you would not necessarily get for something as docile as cocking up the answers (as described in the previous section). Do not underestimate this riskier tactic though, because new law states that you could, for disrupting an exam, be excluded from all public exams for the next five years – that’s right, unconditional failure for five years! The perfect plan!
The choice is yours
It is now necessary for you to decide which of the techniques in this booklet best suits you. Would you prefer to mess up the answers and have people disappointed in you whilst you proudly put on your new apron to go and swim in the chip fat in your dream job at McDonalds? Or are you happy to risk being shouted at for 5 years without having to go through the formalities of even entering the exam room? The choice is yours. And remember, always give up
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About the author
Carl’s story is a tragic one. He had a difficult childhood, and his parents are still shits. Throughout his life, he has never really had friends, and instead spends the weekends alone in his bedroom with the door locked, practicing a hobby born of desperation; magic tricks.
He recently released a video for Friendship Relief, which was unfortunately misread by society as a vague attempt at humour, when really a cry out for help. Carl is even bored enough to write booklets, such as the one you have just read, containing false or “spoof” information or coursework. A boy with too much time on his hands, asks me to mention here once again his contact details, in the desperate hope that someone, somewhere will read this and contact him. However to publish contact details would be silly. He is sad enough to frequent sites such as Bebo and Facebox, hoping that someone will care, and when he’s not overplaying the point about finding friends or writing about himself in the third person, Carl is always online on MSN (or Windows Live Messenger, whatever they call it now), and occasionally appears offline to make it seem as if he has a life.
Now he’s going to go and have a little cry about his shambles of a life.
T o K ill A M ock ex am B y Car l Scutt
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Introduction Recently I took my mock exams \u2013 I did rather badly in all of them. I know that many people dream of doing this badly, and so I have produced this information pack to help with your studies. I warn you now, failing is not as easy as it seems, today, you need to get as low as an F to fail, and that\u2019s not very simple. Don\u2019t worry though, I know the task seems daunting, but with my help, and the information contained in this healthy-sized information pack, you too will be able to fail your mocks and/or GCSEs Bad luck!
Dedication \u2013 with thanks to R.E.M
This one goes out to the one I love This one goes out to the one I left behind A simple prop to occupy my time This one goes out to the one I love FIRE!! FIRE!! FIRE!! FIRE!! This one goes out to the one I love
Please purchase PDFcamp Printer on http://www.verypdf.com/ to remove this watermark.
\u201cBut I don\u2019t want to fail\u201d
This is something I hear all the time, it\u2019s simply bullshit. Of course you want to fail, if you pass or do well, colleges will accept you, possibly even universities, and you\u2019ll never get that dream job in McDonalds!
Top tips for failure: 1. Answer as if someone was genuinely asking you the question \u201cImran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles does Imran have left?\u201d
We\u2019ve all seen this type of question before \u2013 consider your answer carefully, I know it\u2019s all too tempting to get this right. First of all, let us consider what we would say to this in real life: \u201cWork it out yourself you tosser\u201d
May seem like a good bet for failure, but you\u2019re lacking in detail, let us dwell on the names used for a moment \u2013 Imran and Rasheed. Both are names of an Indian/Muslim origin, and suggest that the exam board is trying it\u2019s best to appear multicultural and not at all racist. Therefore, a good starting point would be to pick at the inaccuracy:
\u201cWhy Imran and Rasheed? If you\u2019re trying to be multicultural, why not use names like Ho-cha-chow or Dafydd or even Steve? It\u2019s hardly multicultural to just pick one specific name origin and just use that\u201d
However, this answer is too detailed, considering we wish to make more points. So it is best to simply summarise: \u201cThose names are stupid\u201d
Now you have made a point about the names, you should question the subject matter \u2013 why does Rasheed want any of Imran\u2019s marbles? Why does Imran have marbles in the first place? Once these questions have been asked, a wrong answer is simply a formality, as the failure is pretty much already guaranteed So, an ideal exam paper/question should look like this:
Please purchase PDFcamp Printer on http://www.verypdf.com/ to remove this watermark.
Imran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles does Imran have left?
Imran an d Rasheed ar est upi d nam es don ’t know why y ou bother ed putting them in. And what exactly ar ethey doi ng wi th themar bl es?If they ’rethat bored they could just go an d si t exams or somet hing. If Imran tried to givemehis mar bl es, I’d tel l him tofuck of f .
456 marbles
2. Go off topic Let’s face it, the above is risky, they may let you off because you at least referred to the question – we don’t want to pass, so we should go wildly off topic But how to do this successfully? You don’t want to write about something you know about, you’d end up writing correct information – not good! You should debate with yourself about life’s mysteries. Although I encourage you to think of your own, some that I have enjoyed discussing recently are: •
• • •
• •
If Batman is so clever, why does he wear his underpants on the outside? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Should crematoriums give discounts for bur n victims? If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill them selves, is it a hostage situation? If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done? Do babies taste like chicken?
Believe it or not, examiners HATE these kinds of questions, and this means that failing is super easy
3. If it’s an essay question – be brief… and simple In response to the question: “How are presentation and language used to make Item 1 appeal to its target audience?”
You may wish to consider sentences such as:
Please purchase PDFcamp Printer on http://www.verypdf.com/ to remove this watermark.
“It’s nice. I like it. It looks pretty”
Being as brief and simple as this practically guarantees you a fail. The simplistic vocabulary and basic points here do not signal to the examiner that you are an A* student, they are typical of the kind of thing an idiot would write, and will be marked accordingly
4. Refer to other exams out of context For example, your Spanish paper may say: “Indica si estos son verdad o mentira”
To which you could reply: “I may not understand this, but it sure as hell makes more sense than the trigonometry question I got in maths today”
Firstly, you are answering in the wrong language, and secondly the answer is completely unrelated to the question. Failure all round!
5. Complain about your circumstances This is the easiest method of failing around. All you do is write down your thoughts, as you’re thinking them. On some kind of philosophy essay you may write: “I did put the Christian viewpoint across. Twice. It’s in section a) and section b), I’ve been doing exams all week, now my hand and wrist ache, so I’m not copying it out again, you can go back and read it. Don’t know why you’re asking me anyway, you already know the answers, they’re on your desk, you’re probably half-reading them now to help you mark this – if you knew the question WHY DID YOU ASK?!?!?! It would have been easier for you to look up the answer on the mark scheme than for me to write a bloody essay. You and you’re pointless questions. Twat”
This summarises your feelings about the exam and also about the examiner – you will either be failed for not addressing the question or for calling the examiner a “twat”, either one is fine
Please purchase PDFcamp Printer on http://www.verypdf.com/ to remove this watermark.
It’s not all about the answers!
Remember, removal from the exam room is the easiest and most straight-forward way to fail Believe it or not, this is true – the answers are only one way to fail. This booklet in itself is a failure tool, smuggle it into the exam room and “accidentally” let one of the invigilators see it during the exam (I find about 15 minutes in works best). Te invigilator will be forced to remove you from the exam room for cheating. You could discuss the work you are doing with the person next to you, helping them to fail as well You could look at the clock and exclaim as loudly as you can: “Shit! I’m missing the Jeremy Kyle Show!” That would work Any kind of exclusion from the exam room is an ideal way to fail, although you do risk a bollocking from teachers and parents alike that you would not necessarily get for something as docile as cocking up the answers (as described in the previous section). Do not underestimate this riskier tactic though, because new law states that you could, for disrupting an exam, be excluded from all public exams for the next five years – that’s right, unconditional failure for five years! The perfect plan!
The choice is yours
It is now necessary for you to decide which of the techniques in this booklet best suits you. Would you prefer to mess up the answers and have people disappointed in you whilst you proudly put on your new apron to go and swim in the chip fat in your dream job at McDonalds? Or are you happy to risk being shouted at for 5 years without having to go through the formalities of even entering the exam room? The choice is yours. And remember, always give up
Please purchase PDFcamp Printer on http://www.verypdf.com/ to remove this watermark.
About the author
Carl’s story is a tragic one. He had a difficult childhood, and his parents are still shits. Throughout his life, he has never really had friends, and instead spends the weekends alone in his bedroom with the door locked, practicing a hobby born of desperation; magic tricks.
He recently released a video for Friendship Relief, which was unfortunately misread by society as a vague attempt at humour, when really a cry out for help. Carl is even bored enough to write booklets, such as the one you have just read, containing false or “spoof” information or coursework. A boy with too much time on his hands, asks me to mention here once again his contact details, in the desperate hope that someone, somewhere will read this and contact him. However to publish contact details would be silly. He is sad enough to frequent sites such as Bebo and Facebox, hoping that someone will care, and when he’s not overplaying the point about finding friends or writing about himself in the third person, Carl is always online on MSN (or Windows Live Messenger, whatever they call it now), and occasionally appears offline to make it seem as if he has a life.
Now he’s going to go and have a little cry about his shambles of a life.
