Trust

 

I trusted you (and pretty quickly) and then you completely break my trust. Now I’m afraid to trust people as much and as quickly as I did. And it’s unfair, to me, and to those I will meet in the future. And I’ll do what you did to me and base next experiences on past experience. It’s not fair to thrust trust issues upon me. I’m a pretty open person and now not bein able to do that compromises who I am. !emember all those times we’d say "what’s wron with you# $here has to be somethin wron with you, you can’t be this perfect%# &ell, I uess I 'ust found what’s wron with you.  ou  ou wer were e afraid to  et et hurt an and d I was afraid to h hurt urt unin unintentional tentionally ly and it happens that I et hurt. I can’t een say I wish I’d neer met you because I actually don’t reret my time spent with you. It was ood and felt true. $he problem is that it was too ood to be true. I only reret ho how w you handled it and what you did in reards to the e*ect on my time and emotional commitment. I can’t een say it feels like time wasted because I was really happy, but I also can because of how hurt I am now.  $his may all sound sound dram dramatic atic but it’s pr pretty etty bi in co comparison mparison to what’s oin on in my life now. I honestly feel like I’m losin a part of me, and a friend. +ost of my time for a while was spent on you and all of the sudden I’m cut o* on your terms. ou decided it was a breakup without een iin me a chance to talk and communicate with you. ou didn’t een communicate well with me, een the breakup. ia text# -athetic And then you 'ust o alon with the next irl because you and only you knew you had broken this. ou didn’t een /ht for me. If you really cared you’d be sel/sh and stay with me een if you couldn’t ie me your full time. ou’re usin it as an excuse, a way out of what you did.  ou  ou 'ust wer were e done an and d didn’t wan wantt to be with m me e or /x anyth anythin. in. And why tell me when I confronted you that you did want to be with me#  ou  ou wer were e 'ust tryin to not feel u uilty ilty abou aboutt completel completely y dumpin dumpin  me#  ou  ou wer were e playin m me# e#  ou ou cried iin n my ar arms ms and you m made ade me feel sorry. $hat’s really fucked up and shitty. ou hued me. ou made me feel like there was still hope but whilst your words hinted at some lint of promise your actions fell so short they were inexistent. ou did nothin. ou didn’t talk to me. ou 'ust ask friend if I’m ok and "care% from afar so you can feel less uilty about hurtin me. 0o you can make sure I am not still chokin on my own breath but not be inoled with me directly or o throuh the same talk. ou didn’t want to keep talkin it out not because it hurt you that you wouldn’t be with me, but because you made it seem that I was nain and oin on about it. And because you felt uilty. And not the normal uilt. $he uilt of hain been cauht. ou neer would hae told me you hooked up with

 

some chick had I not seen that picture on snapchat. And tell me, who the fuck posts a picture of a hookup# I don’t care if she was upset you weren’t on her story (or if it was the other way around)# ou knew my friend would see it and tell me. And een if she didn’t that’s still not riht. &e hadn’t talked stu* out since the /ht or come to any settlement. ou een humiliated me by doin so. -eople thouht we were oin out and you post a picture not only of a irl in only a shirt, but your happy ass face, the word bae (and who calls a hookup a bae), and a heart. $hat’s disustin. And what’s een more disustin# ou sayin you didn’t hae sex with her because she was on her period, you didn’t hae a condom, and her roommate was there. I am not in any of those reasons. Not one. And I still don’t beliee you didn’t fuck her. And een if it was 'ust a hookup, that’s fucked up. 1ow can you een think of another irl riht after bein with someone# 2id you see how I was after us# I couldn’t and can’t think about anyone else. I cried for 3 and a half days straiht and still cry. I didn’t eat for a day and a half. I felt sick and nauseous lookin at food, een if I didn’t look at it. I was in physical pain constantly. I felt almost depressed. And you can do that the next day. It was not a mistake or a distraction because you were so upset about me.but It was a choice. ou were horny andbreakup didn’t care about anyone else yourself. ou didn’t een talk the oer with me, or ie yourself time to make it work with me or et oer me. And then I /nd out you were sleepin with other irls while we were datin# I want to beliee you didn’t but 4aston talked to you before you left on your motorcycle. ou were 5ashin a condom and brain about how you were oin to o some chick’s house. And you een had the nere to tell him you used $inder to fuck or hookup with irls.  $hat’s absolutely absolutely sick. &hat &hat I don’t et is wh why y you don’t don’t own up to it it# #  ou’ll  ou’ll feel hu humiliated, miliated,  uilty# uilty#  ou ou don’t w want ant to k keep eep talkin talkin  to me about what happened# And what’s also messed up is how quickly you’e moed on. I know it was my /rst relationship and eerythin but I still was emotional inested and you seemed so too. &e shared a lot, and maybe not your past but we shared a lot. Intimacy is a bi step, you said it yourself that you did it with emotion. I can’t beliee you neer felt anythin. I don’t beliee it. ou can’t be that ood of a liar. I don’t know how you felt or anythin I 'ust think your mind chaned or somethin because I am sure you really liked me in the beinnin. ou actually like me more to bein with and you wrote that note. It kills me eery time I think about it. ou would make me your irlfriend or die tryin. ou fuckin prick. &hat happened# And in reards to you moin on so quickly6 you used to sae me seats in psychou een if I found was late. Andyou youalways stopped at the end of our datin. then a spot sit een at. &ith a di*erent irl

 

eery time. And I know our professor is funny but you lauh and lauh and whisper to her and touch arms and lauh. I was so unhappy I couldn’t think in that class, let alone lauh. And it hurts that you seem so happy. And it hurt that I know you know I always o to my bike after my class yet you don’t try to talk to me after. It hurts that you now walk a di*erent route back so you don’t hae to see me. It hurts that you walk back with di*erent irls all the time, touchin, lauhin your fuckin ass o*. It hurts that you seem so put toether and clean cut now. I was a wreck, still am. 7or 3 days my eyes were swollen and my face was red from cryin, and I looked like I ot dressed with my eyes shut. ou still maintain your appearance for other irls. I can’t een think about other uys. And I saw you today walk back with another irl. I don’t care if most of your friends are irls. ou know I’m in your class and you should not act like that. 4specially 8cause I 'ust know they’re not all 'ust 8friends.’ ou walked a di*erent route. Not past the sub. I couldn’t not notice. 9ut you could. I biked riht past you stabbin you with my eyes, or at least tryin to. ou neer een saw me. ou walked with her. Not een in the directions of your dorm. It seemed like you were oin to the library. &ho knows# +aybe you went to her car. +aybe younot went :a -o another route. +aybe you you. did o to don’t your dorm 'ust theto same way and without me seein ou een try to be stealthy. And that’s when I know you don’t care about hain hurt me. ou’re not uilty for shit. I knew you didn’t care about me in the end (althouh you did to bein with it seemed...all of this bein assumption unfortunately) after we broke up (And don’t use that resered shit on me. ;ne shouldn’t hold emotions like that. And maybe you do. 9ut I think somethin wasn’t riht there). &hat I don’t understand is how cheaters don’t feel ful/lled. ou hae a irlfriend. ou hae so many bene/ts. I ae you eerythin, so why did you need to sleep with other irls# I ae you that as well. ou can et it from your irlfriend wheneer basically, plus the emotion, plus eerythin else. $hat’s what you don’t reali<e until it’s too late and you’e reali<ed you’e fucked it up. $hat’s why you hear all those stories about cheaters who want to et back with their ex’s because they reali<e hookups and shit won’t ful/ll them enouh and doesn’t satisfy them. ou had it ood. And maybe it wasn’t what you needed or wanted but you fucked up een the chance of us bein friends. "If it ends horribly we’ll still be friends because it’ll hurt too much if we aren’t. =ust promise we will be.% ;r somethin alon those lines. &hat was that all about# &hat the fuck happened# &hat also sucks is that I feel like reintroducin myself to someone else is like when I did it with you. I want him to do all the same thins that I like don’t want theit’s same but with another uy.with I 'ustyou, stillbut likeI that stu* and hardrelationship to not compare relationships

 

or try to make a new one like the last. I feel like I can’t do the same thins with other people that I did with you or o to the same places. It reminds me of what we did.  $he /e>dollar /e>dollar note that you folded up into a tr trianle# ianle# I ho hope pe I neer hae to /nd it. :ittle memories. :ike skypin until ? in the mornin. &e &e couldn’t wait to see each other een when we had neer hun out. &e een skyped when you were at work. And we talked about cuddlin, plans we were oin to make, eerythin. 1ow perfect it was. +y stomach oerturns eery time eery time I see you. And why did you comfort me and tell me to ask you anythin or say anythin when I went to o see you# &ere you tryin to 'ust minimi<e my pain so you wouldn’t hae to see it# +aybe you neer cheated on me while you were with me but there’s a lot that points to it. 4en if you weren’t with other irls you had the potential to be with them throuh $inder, snapchat, etc.  ou   ou don’t d desere esere a seco second nd chance chance.. I thouht yo you u did, but yo you u rea really lly don’t. I don’t need to tell you why I’m oer it. ou don’t desere any of my time. No matter what words I choose I can neer force someone to be honest with me or understand my pain. ou should know it. ";nly closure I need is for me not throuh confrontation.% I’m talkin to a wall when I talk to you. @losure is not with you.  =ust remember remember that al alll the peop people le who hae otten che cheated ated on ar are e really ood people. :ookin at that I didn’t do anythin wron and there’s nothin wron with me. It’s your problem that you and the people you a*ect hae to deal with.  $he person who who hurt yo you u should n not ot be the on one e who comfo comforts rts you. I wrote you a poem on $uesday in reek @i. es, the class was borin. 9ut no, that’s not the only reason why. I wanted to apoloi<eBaain. 0o I wrote you a poem. ;ne of the best I’e written. I was oin to ie it to you that niht and I was excited. 1ow often does someone write you a poem# Instead, my anticipation quickly turns to ut wrenchin asphyxiation from the then newfound knowlede you had been with another irl (ironic that I had written that you would teach me "how to touch truth as in your temptin fashion%). $hanks 0ome of the best writin from bad and heartbreakin experiences, andmore that’s ok becausecomes you create somethin beautiful from it. I would be

 

comforted had it been a poem about the sorrow you in5icted upon me and not how ama<in I thouht you were. Neertheless I shall keep it. It’ll remind me of a ood time and how the "endlessness, toetherness, and foreerness% with which you wooed me in the poem are actually an ironic portrayal of the /niteness of our relationship. All those thins we were supposed to do. :ike pretendin to be non> 4nlish speakers around straners, o trael the world, dress like !ory and Amy for 1alloweenB I was thinkin about your birthday and what I’d surprise you with. &e had plans to o see the new 1obbit moie. I uess that’s what you et when you plan too far ahead. I actually thouht this would work. 2idn’t you# 4en after we fouht and we talked $uesday you said you saw lon term as well. I shared eerythin with you. 0pent time on you. !ead you my poetry, my list of random thouhts. I showed you my art. ou shouldn’t feel special because what I showed you was special but it was special that I showed you them.

2on’t chane yourself (me) 1onesty is eerythin. "0o many loops, and connections, excuses, etc. +ake it as simple as possible% Cse this experience as a way of re5ectin upon what I did riht and how I’m a ood person. And how lucky I am to hae the friends and family I do. &hy were you so into me and then leae like it was nothin# ou came to 0anta 7e to isit and we went to the moies toether and held hands and it was perfect. 9ein with you was perfect. &e /t perfectly in eery sense of the word, in any possible way we could hae /t. &e hae so much in common and /t intimately as well. &e like the same thins and my head /t perfectly on that little space between your chest and your shoulder. 4ery time you kissed my forehead I’d say "and the holy spirit% and you’d lauh, because you knew I would neer fail to say it. And you would neer fail to make that funny suction sound when kissin my neck. $he one where we’d both break out in lauhter. And what about our lauhin /ts from my ollum oice and +ickey +ouse outside my window at Dam# ;r the way I’d run my hands throuh your hair and you neer thouht about tellin me to stop. 9ecause you liked it. 2id you not like it anymore# 2id you et bored# 9ecause it was only a monthstupid a half. half.because 1ow can you  only already et bored# this may sounds it was a month and aAnd half.all 9ut I felt like I

 

knew you for years. I hae neer felt so comfortable with a uy before.  ou  ou wer were e my best frien friend d and you sai said d I was your yours. s. I could see thi this s oin far. &e took care of each other and iced our in'uries and held each other when we needed it. &hat happened# Are you 'ust the kind of uy who can’t commit# 9ecause I know you couldn’t commit to ours, but was it actually because of time restraints (because if you really loe someone you /nd time for them and are sel/sh and want to spend as much time with them as possible een if it’s not what’s riht) or because you can’t commit# 9ut then if the latter were the case wouldn’t you 'ust do hook>ups# &hy spend all that enery on me#  $hat’s why I really really beli beliee ee you lik liked ed me. It felt so o ood od to ha hae e someone care for me that much, who I could care for with the same enthusiasm. 0o I feel like you did like me a lot. 9ut maybe it was unplanned and once you ot deep into this you ran because you maybe hae commitment issues. If you had the time, would you hae stayed with me# (I fee like I can’t share those little thins we’d do with anyone. I can’t let someone else bite my ear or hold me the way you did. I feel like it won’t /t the way it did and it’ll 'ust remind me of you) 2o you miss me# 2o you think of me# &ould you eer want me aain# "0tay with me%  $he fandom referenc references es I see you around with her sometimes. I always see you walk back with a di*erent irl after psych. ou are lauhin and are really close to each other. Actually it’s the irl with dark hair and streaks. "$he problems of your past are your business. $he problems of your future are my priilee.% !emember when you said that to me# &hy did you keep insistin you wanted to be with me# I think in the end you didn’t een thouh you said you did. If you didn’t cheat, after bein anry for the accusation (althouh I had a riht to be suspicious), you should hae fouht to make me beliee that you hadn’t. &hy were you ok with me not beliein you# es, many times it should be enouh that you yourself are riht. 9ut not if somethin special is at stake. It is so sel/sh youmy to health tell meyet youyou miss me. it’s ironic that you care about meofand told meAnd you’re depressed

 

thinkin of me and you keep contactin me. It’s ironic because what you’re doin hurts. ou don’t hae time for a relationship but you hae time for hookups. $hanks for lettin me know, not like you planned us happenin but you could’e ended it better. Also, tellin me you miss me# 9ullshit. ou write me that shit and you can’t communicate anythin to my face. I don’t beliee you. ou 'ust feel the uilt, like you’re losin any input and power of my life, any sini/cance. -lus you seem happy as fuck oin around with a new irl eery day. 9et you’re ettin the action you want. I saw you o into that dorm buildin with that irl. ou disust me. 9etter yet... ou. !epel. +e. ;h and what the fuck was the talk about# It ot us nowhere. &hat were you tryin to achiee# $he whole uilt and losin power thin I mentioned before# ou told Alex you had to tell me somethin. &ere you bullshittin him and me or are you actually that shitty at communicatin# :ike when we talked riht after you hooked up with that irl. &as the cryin een real# $he whole "I’m resered.% +aybe you’re 'ust so stron willed that knowin you didn’t hae time to be with me was enouh to let me o. 4ither that or I 'ust wasn’t worth it for you and didn’t to continue it. et you still fuckin contact me. you &hat# oureally thinkwant I’m oin to cut myself in despair# et oer yourself. I’m in the more pissed stae now. And the only reason I can’t et oer you is because of the way you acted around me. 9ut was it 'ust that# Actin# I think it was enuine and you mean to be but how can you cheat on someone while bein enuinely inested in someone else#  ou  ou hae iissues ssues ;h and apparently today you sat down next to 2iamar at lunch and told her that you’re not lookin for a relationship and that you’re 'ust bein promiscuous now and hookin up with irls. ou told her that you are neer in your room (which I’e already heard from !iccardo). $he irl I keep seein you with# $he one you lauh with and 5irt with around me. $he one who puts her head on your shoulder. $he one you accompany back into her dorm eery fuckin day after -sychBwith me riht there. eah her# &ell you braed that she put her beds toether and it became a kin si<e bed. 0he did it for you. 7unny. I remember doin that for you one niht. &e had sex that niht. ou probably had sex that mornin with someone else. $hat’s disustin. Anyway, you then went on to say that you always hook up with irls when out of town for ruby ames. And when you went to isit your dad you slammed a irl and then she took you to his house. I don’t een know what to say. ou knew would ou wanted to hearit’s this. ou fuckin prick. 2iamar ou don’t wanttell tome. make me 'ealousme because

 

not like you "want what you don’t hae% or whateer. ou 'ust want to hae power oer my emotions. +aybe because you see I’m tryin to moe on and am not roelin at your feet. ou want them to come runnin back to you like the irls you snapchat. It makes you feel ood about yourself. !eardless of what your intentions were, which I’m quite curious about, that was the most sel/sh narcissistic display I hae eer had to be inoled in and witness. ou know how much I was hurtin and still you insist on in5icted more pain on me. 7uck o*. =ust et away from me. :eae to ermany or whereer the fuck it is you said you were oin. I don’t want to see you. And what’s worse# ou’re doin to the irl the same thin you’re doin to me. 0he seems into it and buyin the faEade that I fell for. et she has no idea what you’re doin. And I can’t 'ust watch. I wish I could tell her een if she thinks I’m bein a cra<y ex at least then maybe she’ll hae doubts. I mean, I can’t be mad at her een thouh my aner towards him ets placed in her. I can’t be mad because she didn’t know he cheated or that he left me for her (kills me). $hin is thouh, that I don’t want him knowin that I told her, which he would undoubtedly know if I told her about his cheatin nature. I don’t want him to approach me, and I don’t want to be withwant him to in be anythe way anymore. I don’t to be $1A$ irl butinoled I also don’t one who didn’t lookwant out for someone. I don’t want her to make the same mistake I did but et deeper into it. I don’t know what to do. 2o I tell her# I can’t een do it anonymously because whether she questions him or tells him about the note, he’ll know it was me. Also, I can’t approach you and et mad at you. ;f course I hae stinin lines that I hae ready if you eer approach me. (ou repel me and oh you remember my name#) I can’t approach you for D reasons6 FG I would et emotionally distrauht aainBeen more actually. 3G 1e’s a brick wall. No absorption. It will o in one ear and out the other. 1e will pretend to cry and say sorry (or not) and won’t put further thouht into it. DG 1e’ll know I was thinkin about it and will think he has power oer me, which is what he wants. 1e wants to know I’m still stuck on him and that he has some say or e*ect on my life and feelins. And why ask about my knee# 8@ause I should beliee you "still care about my health%# 1A If you cared about my health you wouldn’t hae hurt me the way you did. ou don’t ie two shits about me or my health. ;r maybe you do. 9ut you don’t act like you do at all And what kills me is thinkin of how you took care of me. 1ow you said you’d be there for me. And then after all this mess you say you can et icepacks or whateer I need. &hy# &hy# &hy# &hy# &hy#

 

I can’t keep writin here or this will o on foreer. 9ut it seems I keep /ndin out more thins and little acquaintances happen. As lon as he’s around I feel like I can’t et a break from his bullshit. And I also hate repeatin myself. I talk about this to my close friends and it’s easier to speak this and discuss it with someone, whereas writin it like this is tedious and 'umbled and in/nite. I hate how little thins remind me of you. 2octor &ho, watchin the moon whilst lyin in my bed, the paintin I was makin for you, my bed. 9ryan was messin around with my uitar and asked me if he could write me a son. It reminded me of when you were writin a son for me and it hurt so much.  ou  ou feel /ne k knowin nowin th that at you’r you’re e tryin to h hae ae power o orr in5uence o oer er me and thinkin you can be my friend (so you feel less uilty# Althouh I know you don’t feel uilty) whilst also thinkin I don’t know you were hookin up with irls behind my back# ou thouht I only knew part of what you did.  $omorr  $omorrow’s ow’s your bir birthday thday.. I hope I don don’t ’t see you. I was pl plannin annin a surprise for it when we were toether. 0omethin sweet. Althouh you neer ended up cookin for me but I would’e for you. It makes me reali<e now you weren’t completely inested in us. ou didn’t do many of the thins you promised we’d do toether. +aybe we 'ust didn’t hae time for them. 4arly relationship anyway. 9ut yeah, hope I don’t see you, because if eer there were a person I hated, it would be you. 4erythin reminds me of you. +y house, cerrillos and the moies (that day you isited me and we held hands at the moies), motorcycles, 0am 0mith’s "0tay &ith +e,% etc. I scrunched up my face today like you do when you’re tryin not to cry. ou know# $he one where you tuck your lips in, slihtly bitin your lower lip, and frown. I don’t een know if that cryin was een fuckin real.  ou  ou hae ttainted ainted eer eerythin. ythin. &hat was real# I feel like you were really into me. 9ut why would you hurt me# And it’s one thin to hurt someone once. 9ut to actiely keep doin it# esterday, on your birthday, you showed up to -sycholoy before my friend who I was hopin would sit next to me so you wouldn’t. I felt nauseous 'ust sittin in class waitin for your face to appear next to hers from behind the doors. I felt like pukin. $he closest most aailable seats were around me and I was feelin sick. Next I know in with your chin held hih as if you you’d won somethin sort of pri<e.you 7or strut biest narcissist probably. Anyway came

 

in, and I know there weren’t many aailable seats because it’s a full class, but out of all fuckin seats you decide it would be a ood idea to sit directly behind me. $here was no reason to do that other than rubbin your newfound (or maybe old who een fuckin keeps track anymore##) lladyloe in my face. &ho does that# &ho the fuck does that# I moed of course. $here was no way I was oin to listen to you uys ilin and whisperin to each other in my ear. And then, after class, when I returned to park my bike in front of my door who should I see# ou and her. her. 1oldin 1oldi n hands. ou neer held my hand in public. ou did sittin down for a little. 9ut not while walkin. ou held her hand and walked side by side as con'oined twins. :auhin and whisperin as you went. And you knew I was walkin behind you. I saw you o into your buildin with her you prick. Another time I went to :apo I saw you. I can’t remember if I mentioned this but I’m not about to scroll throuh all this arbae. I sat down at a table alone and you did too. 7acin me, two tables away. @ouldn’t you at least turn away## &ell you saw me lookin pissed and you saw the -ortuuese uy come oer and sit with me. ou saw us talkin and lauhin. Andhae if thishundreds is the reason you irls thinkinit’s ok bed, to throw it in my face that you of other your you’re een more fucked in the head. $his was before you told 2iamar about all those irls and it was before you decided it would be a ood idea to parade your new irl in my face 3 weeks after we broke up. 4en if we did end up on ood terms, you still don’t do that. 9e smart. Althouh that’s kind of a stretch for you. ;h and remember how 3 weeks into school you stopped spendin the niht at my room# It wasn’t because it was uncomfortable or because you had shit to do early in the mornin. It was because you had booty calls. $he /rst 3 weeks you spend almost eery niht with me in my bed, and een if it was uncomfortable you’d /nd a way to stay with me. 9ut you bailed like you always do. ou run away you pathetic little bastard. ou don’t /ht. ou don’t commit. ou don’t think. And what’s hurts is that I know you always spend the niht out. ou are rarely in your room at niht. ou said this to 2iamar. 9ut hey asshole uess what# ou spend a fuckload of time out of your room for someone who has so much shit oin on. All that shit you told me were the reasons we couldn’t be toether. ou spend so much time out with arious irls or with that irl that it sounds like the amount of time one would need for a relationship. And you probably are in one with her. 1ow can you not be# I know you are.

I’m such hard deletin you o*$hey 7acebook 7acebook and 0kype. ype.you It’s hardhain because of a allhard our time messaes on them. remind me0k that

 

are both the person that has made me the happiest I hae been, and the person who has made me feel the most pain. 0uch tremblin, shakin pain that struck to my ery core and made the entirety of my body hurt. And the 'oy you brouht me was not somethin that exceeded that incited by someone else, but it was one that was so unlike anythin I had eery felt. 1ow do I delete the only concrete eidence of our compatibility, toetherness, raw emotion, your deotion to me. ;ur Ham conersations, our banters, our silly back and forth’s of mutterins and references that only we would eer understand. I hae to thouh or they will keep me rememberin the ood and stray away from all the bad you exude. $hat you hae thrust upon me. I hae to. ;nce it’s done it’s done. $his is so hard. I hate you. I hate you so much. &hy did you do this to me# And all this seems pointless to others I imaine and makes me feel silly. I didn’t know you for that lon. 9ut I neer thouht I would /nd someone like you, we were so compatible. It felt like I had known you my whole life, like we were the closest friends. I told you eerythin. 4erythin. I haen’t told anyone as much as I hae told you. And you fucked it up by bein fucked up. "&hat’s wron with you there be somethin wron with you.% uess I found it. uess I found must it. 0o delete the messaes or not# &hat’s the point in keepin them# $o conince myself you actually are a ood person# 8@ause I know deep down you are not. I 'ust keep lettin myself ie excuses for other people’s behaior. I was so ready to forie you so you could /ht and take me back. I was ready to /ht. 9ut I shouldn’t /ht. 9ecause you didn’t een try to et me back. I shouldn’t feel like I need you or your attention or your deotion. I don’t need to plea for it. I should desere it. And I beliee I did. ou on the other hand didn’t. I tried conincin myself that your dicult family life and bad past (which I neer found out about in the endBwhat was so bad you couldn’t tell me# Apparently it’s so bad people hae walked out on you. And you were afraid I would. 9C::01I$ 4J@C040) made you this way. No. It doesn’t matter how you were raised, for basic moral codes should be presered. ou should not treat anyone the way you treated and are treatin me, no matter what. 2on’t thrust or pro'ect your problems onto me. And back to the messaes, maybe I do keep them there to remind myself you actually cared. I think I want to beliee you actually did care for me and liked me. I say that I know you did, but deep down it’s an insecurity. Actually, it’s a fear. I am afraid the way you were to me was false. And that’s why I feel like I need these messaes. 9ecause if that wasn’t real I would be broken. I would feel like nothin was worth it. I still can’t be sure it was worth it. It obiously de/nitely wasn’t worth thehold painon but somethin I will to.sometime durin that period of 'oy there was

 

9ut you know what# I don’t need to proe to anyone not een myself you liked me. ou may or may not hae. I beliee you did. I will always beliee you did. I shouldn’t read them. I can’t. I won’t. It’s not een closure because there’s no such thin as closure. It doesn’t exist. $here will always be loose ends and untold truths. It’s 'ust a way to detach myself from you completely. I can’t help runnin into you that is not my choice (trust me). 9ut this I can help and you likin my pictures on 7acebook (like the one of the art piece I’m doin that was supposed to be for you. &hat the fuck is up with that##) is 'ust you wantin to hae your name pop up in my noti/cations. It’s a way for you to occasionally remind me of your existence. ou should and will neer be a noti/cation in my life because that’s 'ust you tryin to et into my head and hain power oer my feelins een if 'ust minute. It’s like you 5auntin your relationship and sexual life in my face eery time I see you. $hat I cannot aoid. 9ut this I can. And I can’t look back to the past like I always do. I always et stuck in the fuckin past, the ood moments, and oerlook the bad ones. And this doesn’t mean that I want the last thins seeneatie about him horrible I hear about and him) toI be so (all thatthose it’s the feelinthins that resonates with mefrom as my memories with him, I 'ust don’t want to be the last thin I intentionally see about him and us to be the posities and past news. It’s old, it’s one. And this is one of the /rst moments in which I hae the choice to break o* from the past and moe forward with my life in a direct way. And I’m not oin to fuck this up.  $his is the last messae messae you sen sentt me before before we met up for the last time. $he last messae I read before deletin you (and yes that is supposed to be symbolic for deletin you from my life and facebook). "IKm sorry daisy. I really am I 'ust miss you and maybe itKs bad if we meet up. I 'ust feel horrible about that niht and I wake up depressed as all hell because IKm constantly dreamin of you and reminiscin of the ood times. It sucks because in the fault of all this.% 2id you een mean this at all# &hy write this when you didn’t mean it the next day#  $his is one of the last thins you you said to me on 0kype, 0kype, when I was was tellin you about my homesickness. "Band hopefully I can help make your stay as painless as possible.% $his was enuine and real. And that’s what’s most painful. 2eleted eerythin. And then the were none left squanderin.

 

I know there are better people out there. 9ut how can you see the road ahead when you are driin in the fo# ou’re always there, obstructin my iew of better, yet lookin at you makes me certain there is better. 9ecause if people like you is all this world has then what the hell am I doin here# And if I can’t moe past this then please 'ust slap me as hard as you can world. 9ecause reality check6 4eryone ets hurt. It sucks to hae to be the one who ets hurt by the actions of another human bein as opposed to coincidences or natural happenins, but thouh it doesn’t diminish the pain it certainly doesn’t surpass that of others. +y pain is temporary. +y pain will subside when I let it. 7or it is not about foriin him or comin to terms with what he has done or what person It’s aboutthat’s doin hackin what’s best foratmyself. It’s about learnin to let oheofis. somethin away your eerythin. 9ecause you know what# $his little shit is not enouh of a reason to keep myself  hurtin. 4asier said than done. Althouh all this text looks ridiculous een to myself and the little oice in my head, it could not only be seen as a story of someone who ot their heart crushed for the /rst time, but it also can be seen as my  'ourney  'ourne y to maturity, maturity, a depiction depiction or re5ection re5ection of myself, myself, insiht into into me my thouht processes, or the mere substantiation of my emotional rowth. It is who I am becomin. And yeah, this is some kind of epiphany or whateer you want to call it. 9ut I only know that this is me /urin out how to row, not actually feelin it yet. I’m still emotionally distrauht and irrational because I am such an emotional person. 9ut you know what they say6 the /rst step to recoery is reali<in you hae a problem. ;f course, it is only a problem if you look at it that way, which I always hae. Instead I should reali<e that I don’t put myself in these situations and I de/nitely did not put myself in this one. 0o I know I did not in5icted this pain upon myself and I am not deserin of it. I 'ust need to understand on a deeper leel that bein so emotional can be my best friend but also my enemy, in which it can brin me down and impede my learnin and rowth in situations like these. I need to learn how to control it because sometimes appropriation key toAnd abundance. I need to that’s know when it willof bemy destructie to is myself. I uess now I see what most

 

fears come from. $he fact that I am afraid my emotions will et the best of me someday and will be the catalyst to my 8destruction.’ 0ome sort of anti>climactic downfall.

I hae so many thouhts racin throuh my head I cannot name them all. 1ere’s me tryin to be brief and to the point. F) I sometimes wish we neer would hae fouht, and that’s messed up. It makes me see why one may stay in an abusie relationship. 3) &hy is it so easy for others to /nd people. $hey always talk about how they’e had boyfriends or irlfriends and this was my /rst (een thouh we didn’t label it we acted like we were and it was without needin a label). I mean, am I too picky# I don’t think I am, I 'ust don’t feel a spark or enouh of a connection with the uys who like me. Am I 'ust too aware of thins# D) I feel like I let people walk oer me because I forie too easily. ?) I keep thinkin what if he didn’t sleep with anyone else while we were toether. 9ut would it een really matter# 1e still slept or hooked up with a irl a day after we were toether. And many sins pointinferences towards bein with while we were they are  'ust infer enceshim thou thouh h and myirls emotions emotions take take oertoether, oer in this rational rati onal thinkin. H) 1e better hae washed if he was with other irls before me. If he was hain sex or een hookin up with irls while bein with me, I am beyond disusted. 1ow can one hae sexual relations with more than one person# 4specially when they’re in some sort of relationship and is doin it behind their back. L) :ayin on my bed in 0anta 7e reminds me of our 0kype calls toether. 1e would show me thins and I would show him mine. 1e drew me a picture of me. I still hae it. I want to ie it back to him as a reminder of what was and what he fucked up but then he’ll know I was thinkin of him and he’ll think that he ot into my head. &hich seems quite correct. 1e’d play the uitar and we’d talk about eerythin I hae eer thouht of. &e’d et lost in each others’ eyes and could sit in silence without it bein weird. Althouh we could only sit a couple of minutes in silence before we had more to tell each other. &e’d call each other and stay on the phone een after a H>hour 0kype call. &e’d call when I was runnin errands or oin out or if you couldn’t 0kype at work. M) ou watched me cry after you hurt me. ou say me cry in/nite tears and you saw my body shake with pain. et you insist on in5ictin that pain on me aain and can’t put riht what you did. eep subconsciously bumpin into me because you want to show you’re always present# $o still hae some control oer my feelins# ou  'oke with with 2iamar sayin you you and your your new irlfriend irlfriend are are prenant. prenant.

 

1ow’s that funny or releant# I see you look back at me sometimes. And not 'ust in the way people do to those they don’t know. I want a relationship but I keepin fallin for eery uy who shows some interest in me and I don’t know why. $hen I et to know them but there’s always somethin 'ust not riht. I know it won’t o anywhere with them so I don’t continue. Is that fair# ;r is it 'ust normal ad they’re not riht for me# +ore time has passed since us two than we were een toetherBit feels pathetic. 9ut you were the only one I neer doubted bein with. eah sometimes I asked myself if it is what I wanted. 9ut I always was well committed. As cra<y attached and obsessed as this sounds, I saw myself spendin the rest of my life with you. &e planned trips and talked about adentures we were oin to do. I neer ot bored of you een if we spent so much time toether (speakin ofByou all of the sudden had no time for me# 9ullshit 9ecause you obiously hae time for your new irlfriend and we spend so much time toether in the beinnin. &hat happened# ou drifted away and spent less time with me. I can’t beliee you cheated. I will neer een fully know. ou may hae 'ust been 5irtin and interested in this irl when we&e were toether. !eardlesstoif talk you about. cheated, what you did was wron). always had somethin I shared eerythin with you. I showed you all my random thouhts I shared my fears. And it didn’t een seem cra<y because you shared your thouhts too and you didn’t back away. &e watched cute ideos about loe and when we went to the moies toether the /rst time hanin out we caressed each others hand. It felt so riht. I feel like that can’t happen aain, because I either won’t /nd someone like that or I can’t trust someone as easily aain. 7uck you. 4en thouh more time has passed since us than we were toether, my ned still reminds me of you because my /rst weeks here were with you. I started here with you. &e spent most of our time here. I showed you the moon’s craters throuh my telescope binoculars and we /ured out how to /t on this small space like two pieces of a 'isaw pu<<le. It is where we /rst kissed I thinkBunfortunately (if it is unfortunate) I don’t think I remember our /rst kiss. 7or some reason this came to mind6 after I came cryin to your door you wanted to o to eat and asked if I wanted to come (probably cause you’d feel awkward kickin me out). &e went and sad down below (can’t sit there anymore) and you held my hand for a moment, asked how I was. I cried a little more. &e chuckled a little. 9oth of us knowin this was oin nowhere. I was so ready to forie you. 1ow stupid of me. ou didn’t want me anymore. ou didn’t /ht or try to explain yourself, nottobecause would betruth futilewould’e like you said, but because you didn’t want and theitcomplete probably been worse

 

than the snippet of whisperins that I had heard. ou 'ust sat there not doin anythin. ou weren’t in shock. ou weren’t tryin to /ure out what to do. At least I don’t think so. 9ecause someone who wants somethin enouh will /ht for it een if minimally. 9ut you put no e*ort in. ou 'ust said you couldn’t beliee that I had forien you so fast. ou were surprised by my commitment and oodness. I now am surprised by my blindness and naiety. And what about you askin Alex what you should say to me# ou and Alex told me this happened. &here did that come from# &hat was your motie behind wantin to rectify us# &as it tryin to do that# I’ll neer know. I’ll neer know most thins because I’ll neer be inside your head. I’ll neer be you. And of that now I am thankful. ou may be a cool person and hae insihts and eerythin. 9ut you are missin the ery basis of ood morality.  $he ery basis basis of what it means means to be human. human. ou ou are are an animal. animal.  $here are are an in/nite in/nite amount of of doubts and re5ecti re5ections ons and this this writin could o on for miles. 9ut does that mean that it should# 0hould I keep writin to et it out of my system# Is there such a thin# It’s probably confused with writin and these will 0o I subside due totime. time,ou but can we’llkeep instead beliee it was feelins the writin. uess I should keep writin as a distraction and coniction that that is what is makin the feelins pass. I hae proressiely beun usin an extensie ocabulary when writin and speakin not only because it helps me coney my thouhts more eciently and accurately, but more profoundly because on a subconscious leel, I feel like I am not taken seriously enouh. -eople whose ocabulary and lanuae is more sophisticated, are taken more seriously. I hae often thouht that my thouhts and feelins hae been dismissed on occasion. Now I reali<e it isn’t only a sophisticated ocabulary I need, it is con/dence in what I say that I need. I oercompensate this way without needin to because neither my thouhts nor lanuae are inadequate or incompetent.

I saw him today. Noember FOth. 1e was in a cook>o* in :apo. I don’t know why but riht when I saw him I started hain a panic attack and was shakin and couldn’t think straiht. I was ready to burst into tears. I don’t know why. +aybe it was the anle of his face that made it look so real. 1e looked so real. Csually when I see him I 'ust see him straiht on for a second and more as a backround. 9ut he stood out like a what sore thumb. there at the+aybe table. In frontthe of people. know he did. Cp 0tandin trial. it was fact that:ike he they

 

promised he’d cook me dinner on my birthday but neer did. &e ended up oin to edefest. 1e had fun but was weird at it. &hich reminds me, a uy in my class I’e hun out with once came up to me durin a lab in that class about a couple of weeks ao and asked me what happened to Anel. I said it didn’t work out and that he ended up bein a dick. 1e said he could’e uessed it by the way he looked at edefest. &as I the only one who didn’t see it# 0till, I cannot blame myself and I refuse to blame myself. I don’t want to be the helpless ictim but I am the ictim in this because I am the one that ot hurt. I don’t een know if he wanted me or liked me at the end. I beliee he did durin our time toether because why else would he spend so much time on me# Anyway, I’ll neer now. It kills me. 9ut maybe it would kill me more knowin. +aybe what his real moties were, were een worse than I could’e imained. And what’s cra<y is that when I look at him I don’t see what he did to me because I neer saw him doin it. &hat I see when I look at him is 'ust a 5ood of emotions from me bein so ecstatically happy with him to bein so hurt by him. I see the face I feel in loe with (althouh I’m not sure I can use that term so lihtly). $hat’s what scares me the most. 1e’s a fuckin player. &hat also sucks is thatabout I was it. ettin oer itBand maybe not ettin oer it but not thinkin I wasn’t cryin. And now, lately, this week I can’t stop thinkin about him. It upsets e so ery much, and now I’m at OLO? words and so upset that almost all OLO? if them were wasted on him. 4en if he ae me somethin so special that I’d neer felt before, and may neer feel aain. ;f that I am afraid. It’s so unplanned and impossible that I fear I may neer et that aain. 9ut maybe, 'ust maybe, that is the ery reason that I could.  $hat whole little little episode of seein him (don’t think think he saw me) me) made me feel a little of what I felt after we were done. Now I’m shaken up because of that. It’s a feelin and pain I hate and hope to neer feel aain. &ant to watch doctor who but it will probably remind me of his and 'ust happy moments in eneral (watchin them alone before him). +aybe that’s why I haen’t watched it in a while. It sucks. I miss the days of watchin pramface and fresh meat. I’m already sick of this place. $oo many people in a way. It doesn’t feel too much like home. It reminds me too much of him and 'ust strulin with new thins. I need to o back home. And this time, I will include santa fe. I need my own space so I don’t feel like I’m sharin it with others. It’s weirdP maybe it’s the smell, the lihtin. No. It’s probably the place.

 

7eels so temporary yet so permanent. As temporary as a hotel, but permenant like I can neer leae, et out, escape. I can’t beliee the uy who was with me and wanted me so bad is the same uy who bras about how his new irlfriend is a model. Are you really that shallow you little shit# I can’t beliee you would do or say somethin like that, or een think about that. ou’re comparin us. 2iamar 'ust told me that he went up to her a couple of weeks ao and told her that he was oin to et a house with his irlfriend. &ho the fuck needs to know that# &hen we were done I neer had thouhts of inadequacy or thouht about if I was ood enouh. 9ut now for some reason I’m ettin that feelin. 1e neer treated me like he treats her in public. 1e didn’t hold my hand much outside and stu*. 1e was so much more committed in the beinnin. &as I not worth /htin for or worth treatin like that# It’s not fair the way he treated me in the end or now. I know I don’t desere him bein an ass to me or anythin and eeryone deseres to be treated riht, but why did he think I didn’t desere kindness it seem like she won competition# :ike afterwards# she replaced&hy me#does And he said he didn’t haeatime for a irlfriend but he is always with her. 2iamar and I always see them toether. 1e deotes all his time and eerythin to her. &hy didn’t he do that for me# &hat makes me less worth it than her# +aybe he didn’t hae time for me 8cause he was already with her. 1e was tryin to leae me. &as it because of me# ;r was it for her# 4ither way it hurts like a bitch. I shouldn’t be this pathetically hopeless and insecure but it makes me feel like ettin so close to me made him leae. It scares me for the next time it could happen. 1e makes me feel so insini/cant when he was the one who made me feel like the world to him. 1ow is that possible# &as it a lie# 9ut why would it be if he deoted so much time towards me# I know I’e already been oer this but I 'ust can’t beliee it was fake. 9ecause what would he et out of it# 1e was so inested to bein with. 1e was 'ealous when I’d talk to other uys at orientation. 1e now knows eerythin about me. +ore than most people hae known. 2oes he eer think of that# ;f me# I think he 'ust forot the whole thin. +oed on. +aybe he’s used to this. 1e seemed like an emotional uy. 9ut maybe een that was 'ust a front. +aybe he 'ust forot about me. I know he looks back at me sometimes. 1e looks at me the way you look at someone you think you know but 'ust can’t /ure out from where. I think he’s made himself foret. I don’t know why but it would be a comfort to know he still remembers and thinks of me. I mean, why the fuck would he write "I wake up depressed as all hell% and that he misses me# 1e said that but didn’t he stilldo wanted me. &as already with her# I feel like shit. I shouldsay probably homework nowhe with my insides in knots.

 

-.0. 0aw the music ideo for "Not the only one% and it’s depressin as fuck. I actually cried. Also, I can’t listen to 0am 0mith’s "0tay &ith +e% anymore because it was kind of our son. &onder if that’s what he thinks of when he hears that son. &onder if he thinks of me or us when he watches ideos or hears sons or does thins we would watch, listen to, or do. I somehow hihly doubt it. I’m so sick of hearin from people I can’t make it in -sycholoy. I am enuinely interested in it. "9e smart about it% they say. No shit, but I can’t o throuh collee lookin at what makes me money for fuck’s sake. I want to do somethin I like. +y problem is that I sometimes listen to people too much. :et them scare me into thinkin somethin or doin somethin. 4eryone thinks they hae a riht to an opinion and a say in my life, especially when they are my family. I don’t need any more opinions. And it’s not because they don’t adhere to my opinions and are all conruent with each other. because arewhat solely based their experiences.  $hey aren’t It’s aren’t based o* me methey wand wha t I like and o* and what I can ca n do. &hat am I supposed to beliee# I’e heard thins from people who hae made it one way and people who hae made it another way. 0ome hae otten a 9A in psycholoy and hae 'obs and other don’t. &hy assume that I can’t be one of those people who makes it# 9ecause it’s dicult# 9ecause companies and people take 90’s and other sub'ects more seriously# $here is nothin I can do about that but I still hae control oer my life to some extent. I know I can chane ma'or or start and not /nish somethin. 9ut it scares me to think I could commit to somethin then let o and hae to start all oer aain. And I know its my decision in the end but of course what my family says will a*ect me because what they say re5ects how they see me and what they want for me. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m lookin at a whole list of ma'ors and minors in the Arts Q 0ciences but I can’t /t my interests or commit to one cateory. I feel like I need more options. I 'ust remembered we went to the pla<a cafR toether. I don’t think I’e mentioned it in here. It was kind of our /st date kinda thin. I neer really thouht about it that way. I had completely forotten about it.

 

I am cryin my ass o* because I’m supposed to hae reistered for classes H3 minues ao but I don’t know which to take. 7riends asked if I needed help but they don’t want to, and I wouldn’t want them to hae to. Nobody is helpin me and I feel so alone. I am cryin because I miss the ood him, the one I knew. I am cryin because I hae surery in two weeks I am cryin because I can’t play soccer for a year and it’s already been about L months. I am cryin because I am !omesick. I am cryin. It hurts. A horrible, nain pain that’s so nostalic in the worst of ways. A chokin, hiccouphin, stabbin pain in the chest and a numbin of the body. 1e broke me.  $he hickey hickey thin I know this is stupid, but what is he oin to do with all his memories of  me and information about me# It is stupid yes yes. 9ut I mean, he knows eerythin about me. &ill he always remember# ;r will he only hae it stored and neer actiate it because he won’t need to# Also, had some oftell theifshittiest ofIt’s myfuckin life in collee of theI’e funnest. I can’t I hate ittimes or not. weird. and some And another thin. $he baseball uy I hooked up with# 7uckin prick won’t talk to me anymore. 9arely answers my texts and fuckin disappears. &hat a prick. &hat a fuckin little prick. 1e can’t tell me he doesn’t want to do anythin anymore# oin to hae surery in a week. $erri/ed out of my mind. 2on’t want to o to :.A. 4specially because we’re onna be at the house we’e always one to before last year. It is depressin as fuck. It is one of those places that reminds me of all the thins that upset me in life, whether current or past. I fuckin hate it so much. I hate oin there and bein in :.A. and I hate the actiities and thins we do there. And I’m onna be on crutches so I can’t een drie or walk muchP I’m oin to be stuck in the depressin ass house. -robably thinkin about Anel. I don’t een like writin his name. ;h and this is o* topic but here’s a shit thinBhe friended 2iamar on facebook. &hat the fuck. I mean, he said she was probably a suested friend and he 'ust clicked on it without thinkin. !eally# ;n top of talkin to her about shit that obiously upsets me. Always about his irl/end and shit. @an’t stop thinkin of orientation with him and how he kept lookin at me and ot 'ealous when other uys talked to me. 1e ae me his number and asked to han out. 1e liked my red lipstick. And wrote that noteBif he indeed wrote it then. 1ow am I so cauht up in this# I didn’t

 

know him for lon. 9ut od I neer felt like that before. Nobody had eer made me feel like that. &hy am I thinkin about it so much more now# I wasn’t thinkin about it for a while after I broke down after it happened and now I’m back to bein stuck on it.

 $ells diamar  $ells diamar he’s oin to mexico mexico with his irlfriend irlfriend for some some ima shit. shit. 7uck you. Nobody ies a shit. 0urery tomorrow. 7uck this and fuck my knee. I hate that it’s in'ured. And yes there are worse thins but riht now my knee is fucked up. I can’t do shit. And after surery will be worse. I won’t be able to walk, shower easily, walk up stairs, play soccer why the fuck did this hae to happen to me# I’m so upset. At least now I can pretend like it’s functionin cause I can walk. After surery I won’t be able to do shit. And on top of that we’re doin a F3 hour drie to the shittiest city. Cnrateful, childish, call it whateer you like. $his sucks. And I’m not sayin I’d rather not do surery. I want to so that it can heal but O months until Iand canitplay soccer aain#$hat’s 0eriously# And een then miht not be ready could tear aain. probably one of my Ibiest fears and will be for a while. I hear all these stories about people who tear their acl more than once, een four times &hether they felt ready to use their knee and et back into sports aain or not. It could happen aain. I loe soccer too much to hae this happen aain, een once. And I’ll hae screws in my fuckin knee foreer. $hat’s horrible and horribly terrifyin. I hope I won’t be able to feel them. And reainin muscle will be hard, and the mobility. And I don’t care if I sound la<y, but I’ll hae to do pt eery day and strenthenin and stretchin. 9ut not normal shit. No. like pointin my foot and stu*. It won’t be the way it was for a while. And you know how eeryone says "oh I learned this from bein in'ured.% I didn’t learn shit. Nobody has to hae some sort of epiphany, life chanin, discoery or learnin experience. I already appreciated soccer and playin. And patience# 7uck that I didn’t learn shit. And maybe you’re (I don’t know who, honestly) thinkin "oh well you’re 'ust not there yet.% 7uck you. I may or may not be. I maybe will conince myself that I hae learned somethin or I neer will. $his was not necessary for my rowth as a person. I wouldn’t een say it was bene/cial. $his is one of the most inconenient and horrible thins to hae happened to me. I don’t care if that sounds dramatic, I am so upset riht now. I am terri/ed of hospitals, illnesses, in'uries. I don’t want my knee to be cut or stitched or meddled with. I 'ust want to be ok. I 'ust want eerythin to be ok. &hy can’t eerythin be ok for Hminutes# &here I’m not in'ured, takin full I9, failin a class, achin oer a broken heart. for I want bliss and euphoria or een 'ust some neutral nothinness a moment.

 

And to people who say "it’s oin to be ok,% fuck that. I always thouht I was bad at comfortin people. I’m may be but I’m probably better than them. It doesn’t comfort me whatsoeer hearin "it’s oin to be ok% from someone and it sounds dirty in my mouth sayin it. No, you will not be ok. ou will not be ok for a while. ou will think of it and it will plaue you on and o* like tidal waes, and it will not be ok. 9ut them, one day, when enouh time and healin and learnin has passed, you will be better. Not completely ok, but better. And you will et better and better. It will always be with you, what happened. ou will neer be the exact same as what you were. 9ut as lon as you’e moed on. ou didn’t hae to learn from it. As lon as you’e accepted that it happened. I haen’t fully moed on from Anel, but I’m moin forward. And then sometimes backwards. And then forwards aain. ou will not be ok because it is shit when it happens and for some time after. $ime. $hat’s all. $ime is all that is needed. =ust wait and only  $14N will it be ok. ok. Cnless the situation situation turns turns around, around, and in that that case  'ust foret foret eerythin eerythin I said 94@AC04 I$ A!I40 A!I40 -4! -4!0;N -4!0;N AN2  $14!47;!4 ;C ;C @ANN;$ 0A 0A 844!$1IN 844!$1IN I0 ;IN $; 94 ;’ ;’ 94@AC04 I$ &;N’$ 94 CN:400 ;Cof:4$ And no, I don’t feel better thinkin theI$. day I will be oer any of this. 9ecause it’s not oer now. I feel pain now, both physical and mental. And that will not subside for a while. And I beliee one’s willpower can let them oercome stu*. :ike people with positie attitudes are more likely to recoer from cancer and stu*. 9ut the problem is still occurrin and I’m a pessimist and a worrier, and that is hard to chane. ;k so homework sessions and workout with 9ette and @hloe. +ore motiatin than alone. $his better happen 8cause these thins usually fall throuh. &onder how our schedules will match up, een with all my friends. Anyhoo, think it would’e been a ood idea to put dates eery time I write. ;h well, de/nitely don’t want to start now. At what point can I start watchin romantic moies aain# $hey’re all extremely depressin and misleadin and nostalic. $hey remind me of  a certain asshole. 0till. 7uck you and your lastin e*ects on me. I wish you were hurtin, or een did when it happened.

Here we go again with him having influence over me and taking advantage of the fact that I don’t let go“Watched easily. Stop and liking my shit on pinterest. Stop commenting on your pictures thisrepining movie with an amazing person! HI"I#$S movie!%

 

even though I can’t see that or your pin of “I &ust miss you' that’s all.% with the comment “I really do' even though thoug h you don’t know' may not even realize or &ust don’t think a(out me anymore. I will always miss you.% nd you kee liking weird pins and commented nothing on one. It &ust says your name with (lank te)t. nd the other day you liked *  pictures from my +usic (oard ,so you o(viously went through it specificallyspecifically- and then had the audacity to comment on the cage the elephant picture that I used to have as my computer (ackground' “+akes a great (ackground for a computer.% Someone added me on snapchat and I didn’t know who it was (ut he was asking for nudes. I asked for a name na me and he gave me a fake one ,which I didn’t know at that time-. So I checked him out on face(ook to see who it was and it was a / year old scrawny kid. 0hen he sent a pic of his  (ody and it looked so familiar to me. I t looked like ngel. ngel. I told 1ia and she thought I was o(sessing' like I was crazy. I insisted he tell show me his face and he sent one. It was ngel. W02. I think I had a panic attack. I couldn’t (reathe. I was &ust immo(ilized' with my finger stuck on the screen as the seconds counted down. Was he testing to see if I’d send a random person a nude or did he actually want one. It’s so fucked up' (eyond words I don’t even know what to say. I never could’ve imagined he would (e like this. It disgusts me. I feel like everything with him was a lie. I feel stupid and o(livious yet so deceived and hurt. He is so inconsiderate and selfish I can’t even (elieve it myself. I was  (eginning to get over him and he set me (ack so many months. He answered with “Writi “Writing ng my daisy. dais y.emo&is.% ,then something ,then else(egin I can’ttoremem(er3.think it was 4"eally55’three laugh6crying I can’t even find words for what I think of him and  (ecause I can’t even see him as a sentient human (eing. +ay(e this is why I want to find someone so (ad now. I was (ecoming ok with (eing single (efore college and now I want to find someone. 7ro(a(ly (ecause I want to forget him. Have someone around that makes me happy and forget that shitty people e)ist. It’s so so hard to move on. Why the fuck  is it so hard to move on5 It’s not like I want him in my m y life anymore. Honestly' he’s a  piece of shit. nd nd it’s impossi(le to have the old him. It’s It’s only nostalgic. So why can’t I5 1oes him reappearing all the fucking time &ust remind me of what he has done and that’s it5 How much he has hurt me5 I think on the outer layer that’s the reason. I still can’t  (elieve the monster I have found him to (e. nd I don’t think I ever will. I don’t even care if it sounds dramatic3I don’t know how I will trust guys again. 0he scariest part is that they can seem innocent innocen t and perfectly loyal for as long as they can keep it up. #ne can never know in the (eginning and one may never see during a relationship that one could do such a thing. 0hat terrifies me (ecause I never want wan t to feel this pain again. It’s not ok. It’s shitty shitty and a(solutely gut wrenching and putrid. I’m afraid it will happen again. If I avoid relationships and anything serious I will guarantee myself not to get hurt again ag ain like this. 8ut I will also leave no chance for a successful relationship either. I need to sleep now (ut once I put my computer away and turn the lights off' my thoughts will go off faster than a gun. Intertwining' converging into a convoluted mass of gar(age. I will feel an itch' an e)ponentially e)p onentially growing itch involving the typing up of my thoughts. I don’t know how this helps' if it does indeed' inde ed' help. I don’t know why I need to have everything written here without missing a detail.

 

I will never forget what it felt like to wake up two days after that &ackass fucked with me' and to laugh and dance to 9 "oddy Walston : the 8usiness’s 4+idnight 4+idnight ;ry.’ "eposting my pin of a <uote a(out a guy letting down a girl' with the comment “melancholy.% If only you understood what that word truly means. =our face is as familiar to me as when I casually saw you around at orientation' (ut with =our an added pain. I want a relationship. I feel like I have ha ve so much love to give. nd I in turn want to (e loved' singularly. 7eople keep telling me to stay positive a(out my knee and stuff' and I know they’re trying to help. 8ut i’m sick of trying to stay positive. I’m sick of pretending everything’s fine (ecause shit sucks sometimes. =eah =eah attitude play a (ig part in how things will develop' (ut fuck. I want to play soccer. I want to live again. 0aste the sweat' feel the turf and grass (eneath my feet. I want to do what I love most in the world. It’s (een > months already and i’ll have to wait at least > more until I can play again. Who knew “Song for ?ula% ?u la% would hit me the hardest right now. I don’t want to get hurt again. With my knee or with guys. I’m terrified something will happen to my knee during recovery or when I start playing again. I don’t want anything to tear again. 0he surgeon said once i’m healed my other knee will (e the one more suscepti(le to getting the ; torn (ecause it’s overcompensating for the previously p reviously in&ured one. 2ucking great. nd with guys5 I don’t want to get hurt again. nd honestly there is very little way of knowing if I will or not. “8ut it’s what you make of the situation that dictates the pain you’ll feel.% 8ullshit. It’ll hurt no matter what. I can’t ca n’t have that. nd if I close people out and don’t let them in like I usually do then I may not have the chance for something that could’ve worked out. 8ut if I open up and let myself fall for someone I have a higher risk of the possi(ility of getting hurt. What do I do5 1oes anyone even know what the fuck is going on or what to do (efore (efore something actually happens5 Why can’t people (e loyal' lo yal' honest5 Is that so much to ask out ou t of someone5 0# treat another human (eing with a respect that they don’t deserve themselves' (ut everyone does 8@;$S@ I0’S 2$;AIBC ;@1 @+70H=' S=+70H= S=+7 0H='' ;#++#B ;#$"0@S= ;# $"0@S='' 8@IBC  2$;AIBC S@B0I@B0 S @B0I@B0 8@IBC IA@ @D@"=#B@ @S@ #B 0HIS 2$;AIBC 7B@0. Coodnight to those who can make it through a relationship without cheating on their significant other. I congratulate you on (eing normal. =ou =ou deserve an award even though it’s not an achievement' merely e)pected. I only want for him to sincerely apologize. ap ologize. If only he could mean it' then the possi(ility of it happening would (e more realistic.

 

Why I love a(stract artE It can look like anything' no pressure. I can do anything I want it is so li(erating. nd I can’t make a mistake this way. nd the kind where I have pieces fit all around each other5 It’s like a puzzle' a game. 0rying to see how things will fit. I look at the (ig picture' the whole canvas' may(e only a couple times per piece. 8ut the detail5 I follow every curve with my eyes e yes until each line has met its end and every end has met me t its neigh(or. nd still there is no mistake' (ecause when a mark that wasn’t meant to (e makes its way onto my canvas' canva s' I turn it into something. Incorporate it. nd you know what5 0hat’s what ends up (eing the most (eautiful and elegant shape or form in my  piece. 8ecause it was never meant to (e' in my head' yet it is' and does so compromising its desires and mine.

I feel so sad lately. It’s It’s the week (efore finals and I feel unmotivated' slightly depressed' and so lost and alone. I have all the family and friends I could need yet I feel so alone' as if nothing could possi(ly uplift this weight from me. I am completely lost in what to ma&or in and do as a career' I don’t want to go into it right now considering I’m not in the mood to write ,if you haven’t noticed I haven’t h aven’t written in a couple of months I (elieve-' and (ecause ive already e)plained this shit multiple times. I feel like one day da y in my future I will (ecome depressed and the pain I feel now will (e e)ponentially e)p onentially magnified. I’m somehow never even when I have everything' though it anyone seems that at the same time I don’t havecontent everything. 8ut am I even supposed to5 1oes really have everything5 I mean' the two things that affect me the most are the people I love and the environment im in. I will always have someone I love around me (ut there will always (e those im missing. Here I have 9uan ,(oyfriend-' ,(o yfriend-' my parents' and my friends. 8ut I don’t have those I left in "ome. nd I’m not even in a place I want to (e in. I don’t know what im doing here' I feel like im wasting people’s time. time. I &ust feel like I’ve got a huge weight upon me and I shouldn’t. =et =et I’m constantly worrying a(out everything. (out the SH; testing (ecause of that asshole of a cheater and some other decisions. I’m constantly worried a(out my knee and an d the fact that something feels off. s though it’s not healing right. +y 70 says it is (ut I have that uncomforta(le and terrifying crack and rollover. I’m worried I won’t get the only summer &o( I applied for. I’m worried worried of how heart(roken I’ll feel when I leave "ome "o me this summer. I’m I’m worried I won’t get to schedule everything right or things won’t work out when I’m there. I’m worried a(out my ma&or' a(out what classes I’ll (e taking ne)t semester' a(out my career. I’m worried a(out my grades this semester. I’m worried a(out my living situation ne)t semester and the commute. I’m worried I won’t like it and I’m worried a(out feeling alone. I’m worried I’ll spend less time with 9uan. I’m worried a(out my shin (eing still num( from the surgery despite the doctor saying it’s normal. I’m worried a(out my skin and all it’s imperfections. (out my hyper pigmentation' my moles' and shaving destroying my legs. I’m so worried a(out everything and yeah they sound like such first world pro(lems (ut fuck. I’m worried I won’t (e a(le to play pla y soccer the way I used to. I’m worried one of my ;’ss will tear again. 0here are those who maintain a destructive way of thinking' in that ;’ they (elieve nothing will happen to themF that everything always happens to other people. +y pro(lem is that I’m worried everything will happen to me. nd who’s to say it won’t5 #h also' I really don’t want to stay in Santa S anta 2e this summer (efore Italy. +y room depresses me so incredi(ly much may(e even my whole house. It reminds me of him and

 

I a(solutely do not want that. It reminds me of my stressful and nauseating senior year. It reminds me of people visiting and leaving' of good memories' of a different life and different ha(its. I am so grateful and happy I’ll get to see and (e around my parents. 8ut this place truly depresses me and that makes me so monumentally sad. +y home' the home which took me so long to call home' this home makes me depressed. nd that is depressing in itself. It shouldn’t (e this way. It reminds me of sleepless nights of stressing a(out school' crying and hysteria' panic' an)iety' guilt' temporary happiness' and distractions. Why am I like this5 Why do I let things and people affect me so much5 I think hypersensitivy is an actual word. I think I’m that.  Bostalgia (uilds as I snake down the murky sidewalk' kicking around a soccer (all stone. When it’s dark' you could (e anywhere. It doesn’t always look like you’re in any one  place. I’m walking down to the prospects of my studies and suddenly I’m in "ome. 0he smell of fresh rain on the pavement is a musky reminder of my far home. n out of reach  place in the past that is fading away like the space (efore and directly (ehind me. 0he feeling of (eing in a safe cocoon surrounds me yet taunts me like a fraud' pseudo reality. It’s strangely comforting for a split secondF one in which I forget where I am and that transports to three locations. 0hree places' spaces' homely em(races. me I open my eyes edifferent yes again(ut so very not tospecific fall' remem(ering I’m treading over hard surface' harder than the calm I try to muster.  passive calm (atted away awa y (y my eyelashes and streaming down my wind stroked cheeks. 0he same calm that surrounds meF a silence so loud it rever(erates through the snail shaped inside of my ears. Silence not manufactured (y the presence of shy passers(y. Bo' not that.  silence of the a(sence of frantic commotion and late walkers. #f the willowing trees with soft (ark and wet  (ranches.  chattering stillness. Stillness Stillness seen through reflections in the rippling puddles as the little stone rolls through. It’s not (eing alone (y day that saddens me' it is (eing alone at night' when I’m in small cities of rare commotionF the life is forgotten and the loneliness in the universe ensues.

I feel so empty and lost. I have found love and it has made me the happiest I have (een' yet I feel like I’m losing so much else. e lse. I look around and all the people I love and admire come and go. I look around and I see people working for what they want in life' doing things for a reason' an outcome. I’m so lost in what to do and I have no idea how to find out. I am stuck with ho((ies' mere ho((ies. +y laziness' I feel' will forevever (e my weakness. I can acknowledge and hope to change and work harder' yet part of me always decides it’s easier to hold (ack. I act like good things happen hap pen to those who wait. I want success without hard work. It disgusts me how I think this way. 1espite this I’m still stuck on how to advance. ad vance. What do I do5 ;an someone &ust tell me5 It would (e so much easier. nd nd there it is again3“easier%. 0his and the fact that I feel so distant from old friends and new ones leaving kills me every time I think a(out it. Such close people who

 

have (een there for me and have helped me. Deronika Deronika left and now I can’t &ust walk into the ne)t room and ask for advice at /am. Her presence p resence reminded me of that of my sister' when we lived in "ome. I could hear her play her music' always a comforting reminder of life and familiarity. I could go and talk' &oke around' (e serious' not feel alone. nd now another sister gone. nd yes' I can still communicate with people a distance away. 8ut it’s not the same. It’s not “easy.% “easy.% It’s not there ne)t to me making places and direct e)periences (etter. So far away. ;hange. Bostalgia in every memento' shared peculiarity with and of someone. 0his nagging pain p ain I keep sweeping under rugs like dust and that resurfaces at the first rearrangement' change. 0hat' and the fact that I don’t feel like myself anymore. m I changing too much5 Crowing5 #r &ust changing5 I don’t do the things I used to. I’m even fucking lazier. 1um(er. 1um(er. I used to read (ooks' memorize Shakespeare sonnets' do so many man y different little things. Bow I do nothing all day. (solutely fucking nothing. I don’t know what interests me. What I want to do with my life. What career I want. wan t. What I like. Who I want to (e. What I want to do. nd that’s &ust &ust talking a(out who I was (efore college here in santa fe. What a(out when wh en I was in "ome. 0hat’s so far gone. 0here are so many things I want to do' so many pro&ects' ideas' interests. I &ust don’t do them anymore and I don’t don ’t know why. I &ust spend my days watching tv series and movies as a distraction. It’s like I’m trying trying to (rainwash myself. 8ecause may(e if I do all these things want I won’t won ’t or finish them' like them orknow. get upset thinking of other things.IIt’s nottoado guarantee safety. I don’t knowanymore' I &ust don’t I hate myself so much. I should’ve taken physical therapy more seriously. I thought I was doing really well at the (eginning (eg inning so I slacked off as I always do and now I’m so (ehind and have pains. Bot only does my right knee pop' (ut so does the left knee' which isn’t even the operated one. i’m terrified and so over this. I should’ve worked harder to not (e stressed and (ehind now and in pain. How the fuck do I catch up5 I’m not even really sure what to do at home ho me and 70 is so e)pensive I can’t keep affording it. What’s What’s stupid is that I’m afraid of how disappointed my surgeon and parent will (e. 0hat shuldn’t worry me (ut it does (ecause my parents spent so much money on it. I hate this and I’m so lost. 0his popping won’t go away. What if my meniscus is torn or there’s a pro(lem with my knee5 I should (e playing sports or running at least at > months and I’ve (een to lazy to even pick up a (ike. 8ecause I’m scared and lazy. laz y. +y knee strength is so (ad I can’t even start to think a(out running. It will (e forever (efore I return to soccer. I’d rather (e ready and not risk tearing it again or tearing something else in either knee. 8ut I fee like it will never come at my pace. What the fuck do I do55 I even think like an in&ured person. It sucks. nd I have this struggle (etween (eing determined to catch up and disappointment. nd I’m always like this. I get distracted and lazy and don’t do things and then I complain and a nd get so down. @ven with things I love. Why am I doing this to myself5 I know this and I keep repeating this shit instead of fi)ing it. nd not (ecause I think it will resolve itself. I fee like this won’t this is and will (e on of o f the (iggest regrets in my life.i love soccer. What the fuck have I done5 How do I catch up5 What do I tell my surgeon5 I already know I’m (ehind I’m so ashamed of myself for doing this. ooking at all this shit I’ve written in this document makes me think' is it possi(le to hate myself so much5 I keep hurting hu rting myself and doing what I hate. When will I ever learn5 When will I ever follow my own advice5 +ay(e when I give myself the aadvice (efore

 

the damage is done. 8ut even then I fuck things up. I truly feel like I do nothing right.  Bothing I see right' which is pro(a(ly more important to me. I live in an age where everyone thinks they’re important and their opinion matters. nd it makes sense when you think of how media outlets like =outu(e =outu(e can make your dum(ass famo&us (ecause of a cat video. 8ut for fucks sake. I want to do something truly important. 0ruly important to me. Something that makes me feel accomplished' achieved' intelligent' cretive' motivated' am(itious. i haven’t found it yet and the fear that I never will is killing me. G true optimist I know. k now. I’m seeing my surgeon tomorrow for a checkup and he’s gonna rip my head off. I wouldn’t (e healing for him (ut still' he’s gonna make me feel shittier for slacking. nd he’ll pro(a(ly (e harsh and it will hit me hard (ecause it’ll (e all medical and serious and stuff. I’m scared I’m also scared and ashamed that I don’t miss my parents when I visit 9uan. I don’t want to (e in Santa 2e. 2 e. 8ut when I’m here I miss 9uan so much. @ven after a day! +ay(e it’s  &ust a phase that I don’t feel particularly affectionate affectionate towards my parents recently. recently. I truly hope so.something @ven my mom it. 0oday 0oIt day she said you’re so (ored here witha us.% #r alongnotices those lines. (reaks my “I’m heart sorry a little. nd not only do I have hard time apologizing' (ut I don’t d on’t know how (ecause I don’t know why wh y I’m like this now. +ay(e I have to get out of the house I don’t know.there’s know.there’s something wrong with me these last months and it’s freaking freaking me out. ou t. I have to stop making people my priority and start taking care of myself. It is not the same as (eing selfish' for I still think I’m selfish yet dedicate too much time worrying a(out people and who I would rather (e around. I need to start appreciating (eing where I am and who I’m with' not who I’m not a(le to see in that moment of future things I can’t foresee or change. I love 9uan (ut I don’t want to feel attached. I’m in "ome now and sometimes I feel like I’m not appreciating the fact that I’m seeing the closest friends I haven’t seen in / years and won’t see for a long time. #r the fact that I’m in "ome' in the  place I grew up and spent most of my time.  place so familiar yet foreign. I’m a tourist in my own country. Coing (ack to the point though' I feel like my thoughts are constantly racing and looking too much into things. ike how will my new living situation (e5 ( e5 Will Will I miss class taking the shuttle5 Will I have what I think is enough time to spend with 9uan and family and friends5 Will Will work (e too much5 Will school (e too difficult5 Will Will I figure out what I’m doing5 1o I feel like I clueless child sometimes when I’m around 9uan and his friends5 m I too immature5 Why do I worry so much5 When will I ne)t go to Italy5 What will happen if 9uan and I stay together and he goes to Bew =ork =ork55 What happens if I e)perience mor(id happenenings in my family or friend group5 m I prone to depression5 Will I lead myself down a hole5 Will I (e successful5 Will Will I have the life I want with the people I want5 What if I have to settle5 What if I’m not a(le to (ecome financially independent5 What if5 What if. Why can’t I stop worrying5 Why can’t I stop asking <uestion5 I never seem to (e a(le to answer anything. So many things I don’t know' so much unknown. nd what’s scary is that we' or at least ' see it as unknown (ut

 

don’t realize that we’ll (e the ones making the decisions that can minimally or drastically change our future. What if I make the wrong decision5 What if I’m the one who makes myself unhappy5 Why don’t I feel happy when I have everything5 Is it what 9ason Silva talked a(out when he discussed inpermanence5 I’m scared of change and the fact that things always die. Bothing ever stays the same. It is a momentary comfort (eing in that state of not making mak ing choices and having anything possi(le (ut it’s also terrifying. It’s It’s terrifying (ecause I know I’ll have to make mak e a decision at some point that will mark my  path and render everything else a nonchoice. it scares me to choose. +ay(e that’s why I’m so indecisive. I don’t want to seal in my future. nd of course my future can (e changed (ut it feels like it would (e harder to do at that point. #r may(e it would (e easier (ecause you can rule out and identify what doesn’t work for you. 8ut one can’t keep living like that. We all want to get it right the first time. We have a fear of time running out' as +itch l(om puts it in his (ook “0he 0ime Aeeper.% nyway nyway who knows. k nows. I’m also worried a(out my relationship. 0hey’re so difficult and I feel like I’m always the one fucking up. I’m too sensitive' too emotional' too stu((orn' too pro(lematic' too insecure' too pessimistic' too open. I should pro(a(ly pro(a(l y stop telling people I love these  pro(lems or they’ll run away. nd what do you know3I’m scared of that too. I’m scared of people running away and walking out on me. I am sacred of everything. I feel like I have so many issues or may(e I &ust think a(out mine more than others. 0he thing is it’s so difficult too change. difficult (eing theret are so we’re may other  people in the world whoIt’s areso (etter at life thanconfident you. It is when so difficult difficul when made to think competition is good only in certain circumstances. It’s confusing and contradicting.  (ut it that society’s doing or is that &ust the way things are (ecause of morality. morality. +orality makes it so difficult for us to decide whether it is accepta(le to do something or not. I think in the end morality I what either creates or enhances duality. #f course all things em(ody an element of duality. 8ut it is not that kind of duality du ality of which I’m referring to. It is a duality of even less concrete ideas. I guess you could group good and evil in this kind of duality in which it is (oth ( oth an aspect of duality and duality itself' and that comments on the rightfulness of something. #A so this is very difficult d ifficult to e)plain' mostly  (ecause it’s not even a concrete idea in my head yet and my voca(ulary and may(e even the @nglish language itself limit me to e)plain the (eginnings of my late night internal rants.

7.S. 7. S. I realized today that I can’t write poetry. How sad it is that in a world of interconnectivity and technologies partially constructed for communication' that we so fail to actual connect and communicate affectively. It’s It’s efficiency that has got us all (y the throats. n n invisi(le pair of scissors to the tongue' threaded to our ou r fingers.  "u(y Cold(erg machine.  little (ut of a push and off we go hacking away at ourselves piece (y piece. How sad it is that we forget how to (e alone. We forget or never even learn. ucky uck y are those who have grown impoverished impov erished (y e)periential riches since the start' not those who know what sweetness is only to have it taken away. Solitude is necessary and as "ilke also mentions' it is essential to en&oy one’s own company and at least e)perience what it’s

 

like to (e truly alone. What’s it’s it’s like to (e aware of one’s singularity and (e momentarily and solely with your own (eing.

“The necessary thing is after all but this; solitude, great inner solitude. Going into oneself for hours meeting no one - this one must  be able to attain.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet  I’d like for a moment to (e someone who (elieves I am strong. I’d like to see myself through my mother’s eyes' for a moment' for that may (e the only moment I see myself that way. Wouldn’t Wouldn’t all actors like to (e their audience for &ust a single moment5 0oo much information and knowledge scares us and we return to our distractions and cat videos to num( our potentially poten tially deadly potentially ingenious thoughts. We incorrectly use the words “think% and “feel% interchangea(ly

I think I mi) up modesty with lack of confidence. So therefore I also confuse confidence with over inflated ego. With this in mind I’ll say one thing. I struggle with my perceived immaturity and intelligence6potential intelligence. I can’t tell if I’m mature and think interesting and insightful thoughts' or if I’m immature and &ust (la((er a(out egocentric  perceived drama of my life. 1o I like myself when I’m in a relationship5 I hate saying these words (ecause then it sounds like I don’t want one or don’t do n’t appreciate mine. I can’t imagine my life without 9uan and I love him so much3&ust to (e clear. I &ust think I get too attached and dependent and “need% “nee d% him. I also want him3duh! 8ut I don’t think it’s good to need some(ody or to think you need some(ody. We We should all feel like we can go on and a nd (e fine without that person. I don’t feel that way though' and it scares me. It scares me how much influence he has over my feelings and well (eing. I need to change that without changing us. I need to (ecome independent yet still (e together. I want to (e strong (ut know that he will comfort me when I need. I need to (e selectively sensitive and selectively difficult ,in the sense that I need to pick and choose my (attles. I don’t like fighting (ut some things need to (e talked a(out if they upset me. S#+@ S#+@ S#+@!!-.

0oday my dad told me he thinks he knows why wh y I talk so much. He thinks it’s (ecause I don’t want to give people the time to criticize or respond to me (ecause I’m too scared it will (e negative or not what I want to hear. Which (ring me to another point. I realized I sometimes &ust need to say things out loud to organize my thoughts and understand myself. I used to talk o myself all the time as a kid and now I do it a lot les often' almost never. nd nd I’m not saying I like to use people as mirrors and walls to &ust talk to and not with. lthough I do admit hat my dad was right in that I’m scared. Bot (ecause of others’

 

 &udgments' (ut (ecause I may (ecome even less sure a(out my opinions or decisions. i mean' I think it’s true that a lot of the time people have already made up their mind or lean towards something su(consciously or a fraction of a second (efore they consciously realize it. With With me' I think it happens happen s a lot' and I know it happens a lot (ecause I ask <uestions and advice a lot and end up going with what I was going to choose anyway. I ask to (e more confident a(out my answer when they hopefully go with what I’d rather deep down or I ver(ally ve r(ally e)pressed I’d rather. I always have to confirm things and make sure I don’t fuck up (ecause I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of making the wrong choice ch oice even though deep down I may have already made the decision.  few few people like 9uan and my mom don’t want me to ask them for advice anymore (ecause I “end up not following it anyway.% 8ut may(e I should &ust make it clear to them that I &ust want to e)press my dou(t and need confirmation' need advice on whether I should dou(t my decision or not. It’s complication to e)plain as I’m still figuring out what I mean. Aind of like how I write essays and why they turn to shit3ha! lso we talked a(out how I’m insecure ,you know' which is why according to him I talk a lot-. He says there’s no need for me to (e. I don’t know why' (ut no matter what anyone stells me I have never considered myself m yself to (e intelligent. +ay(e my perception or definition of intelligence is skewed. +ay(e I connote conn ote and affiliate it too much to knowledge. 8ut even knowledge is a difficult thing to define. In my sense of the word it encompasses cumulative information of past and present future happenings' the a(ility to thinkthe critically a(out their implications. I feel entirely ignorant. nd I’dand rather ask and ask and seem stupid than to say something as a statement and it (e wrong. 8ecause I guess I su(consciously think that it’s worse to (e sure a(out a wrong thing than to <uestion strategically and reserve definitiveness. If that makes any sense at all.

I really don’t think I like introspection. It makes me “realize% things a(out myself and they usually &ust end up (eing negative. #h' and I put <uotation marks around realize  (ecause I may not (e correctly identifying my pro(lems or the reasons for which I do things. Why introspection. $sed to talk . can’t (ottle in +issing from today ..distractions

I don’t like fighting with him. I hate it. it. It makes me feel sick. I talked to my mom and diamar and they’re (oth right. I’m the pro(lem. I haven’t always (een like this with 9uan  (ut I’m overly emotional and want to spend every single second with him. It was consciously a(out him leaving in a year (ut now it’s su(consciously there I think. +y mom says I need to nurture my passions and get (ack to what I love doing. I need to gain independence again (ecause I lost the little (it I had. I don’t don ’t do art or anything anymore.

 

h aving my own life We share friends now and I have more with him than alone. Bot having anymore is unattractive like my mom said. 7eople want a relationship with someone strong and independent. I’m not either of these things. 1iamar says I’m insecure and that’s why I feel like the minute I give him space he’ll go with someone else or something. I think he could find (etter than me (ut I could never find (etter than him. I’m scared of losing him (ecause of this fighting so I need to change those things (ut right now I’m (alling my eyes out every ev ery time I think a(out him. I want to (e with him all the time. School’s a(out to start +onday ,in  days- and we’re (oth going to (e very (usy. He said he can’t spend the night at my place during the week (ecause it’s a little far and we have class early. He said I can stay over though (ut I’ll always want to stay over and that will suffocate him again. 8ut I’m crying and having panic attacks (ecause I hate  (eing alone' even when I’m with people I still feel a little alone (ecause I’m not with him. I hate the thought that I’ll have less time to spend with him. +ay(e this will force me to give him space and will help the relationship or it will make me get depressed and make things worse. 1iamar is right though in that I can (e happy with the relationship (ut not alone. 0his will ruin things. +e giving him space could make things (etter' (ut if I’m not happy a(out it that tha t sucks. I need to do this th is for myself as well (ut I don’t know how. I’m crying (ecause I hate to not sleep without him and think of not having him ne)t to me for most of the week. nd I won’t have dinner with him. I want to (e with him so (ad. 8ut smothering him. 0his is not theIperson fell(ut in love I’m repelling I’m I’m pushing him away unintentionally. have tohestop I feelwith sickand without him ne)thim. to me. How do I get over this feeling5 @ven talking to him now makes me want to cry  (ecause I’m not physically with him. I want his comfort. I want him. him. 0his is (ecoming an o(session and he can feel it. It’s so so hard to let go of though. nd diamar is also right in that it’s ok to always want to (e with him (ut I have to (e ok with us not (eing together. He needs to stop (eing the sole focus on my life (ecause there’s a huge chance he won’t  (e with me for long. nd nd that’s why I’m trying to hold on so tight. @ven though it’s futile  (ecause it makes this end sooner ,self sa(otage- and he will leave anyway. I have to (e ready for that and I’m not. When we fought a(out this he said he wishes he had left to ;olom(ia $niversity so this would’ve hurt less. I don’t know what to say. It would’ve hurt then and it’ll hurt more now. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if we (reak ( reak up or he leaves. I’d (e lost. He’s everything to me. He’s all I can see and think of right now. I can’t focus on my am(itions or anything (ecause all I want for sure is to spend the rest of my life with him. I wish we were in the same year' or that our plans moved together. It would make me put less stress on the relationship. I can’t end this knowing he’ll most likely leave (ut it kills me to (e with him knowing that. I’m trying to hold on o n to the tiny chance that it’ll work out. 8ut for that to happen it has to work out now. It &ust keeps going in circles. I’m worried a(out the future (ut that is ruining us even getting there. I asked him h im if he thinks or would like to try to make it work at the end en d of the year if we end up staying together. He said we could try. I don’t know if he said that to not hurt me. 0o not tell me that he thinks there is no solution. I need to en&oy my time with him now. ike he said' it’s not a(out <uantity (ut a(out the time we are a(le to have together. It &ust feels like <uantity (ecause this relationship’s time time seems finite. It’s so unfortunate (ecause we used to assume we’d always (e together and grow old together. Why did he assume that if  he knew he’d (e leaving5 I am so pathetic right now. I want to talk to him (ut I need to give him space. nd if I talked to him a(out this we’d start fighting again. 8ut my days

 

and especially nights without him are infinite. I want to sleep ne)t to him' I want to wake up ne)t to him. How little am I going to see him once school and work starts5 We managed to see a lot of each other last year (ut we were (oth less (usy. #r at least me. 0his is the first time I’ll (e working and studying and I’m so nervous a(out time management. He’s taking a ton of classes so he can finish his masters in a year and a summer' and he’s teaching a class. I can’t stop crying. We haven’t talked on the phone in / days. We’ve We’ve te)ted a little (ut it feels weird. +ay(e I’m thinking a(out it more than him. I pro(a(ly am considering I’m the one who’s doing everything that’s ruining the relationship. I am planning on spending the night 2riday (efore I move in Saturday and I’m scared I’m going to cry so hard. I’ll (e thinking of how we won’t sleep ne)t to each other often at all and will have to stress a(out things and (e (usy. I’m scared I’ll do this while I’m there and not en&oy en&o y that night. I’m scared I’ll put more stress on him (ecause I’ll have to tell him why I’m crying (ecause he always wants to know. He sacrificed so much time last semester (ecause I wanted more time with him and he won’t do it again this year. It’s It’s right that he doesn’t do esn’t (ut I’ll get offended as usual. I don’t want him to think he has to though. I don’t want to (e depressed while I’m there (ecause I think I will (e. I wish I could live with him. I know that sounds incredi(ly stupid. I am J and have my whole life ahead of me (ut I want only him6 I want to fall asleep and wake up ne)t to him. nd (eing there 2riday will make me miss him so much (efore I even move into lo(o so much. I can’t thinking this.irrational I can’t distract myself. Iand feelcrying sick. Why v. doI Imiss havehim to fee this way5 It’s stop not like he’s this and emotional  (ecause I’m not there. 0his isn’t normal. normal. I feel sick. I can’t (e alone anymore. nd nd I know it’s a state of mind that I need to change. I shouldn’t say “I can’t% (ut this is so difficult. I shouldn’t even pretend to (e ok with knowing this may end. I have to accept it. I have to work on these pro(lems I can’t ignore them. I know I should do it for myself (ut I really don’t want him to leave me. He said if we keep fighting like this we will w ill have to  (reakup. 0his position sucks. ;hanging is so difficult. difficult. Civing myself space from him is so difficult. nd nd everyone keeps saying I have to do it for myself. 8ut he’s all I care a(out' even though I hate feeling like this and keep selfishly doing things and hurting him. I guess it’s childish. 8ut I can’t shake the feeling of always wanting to (e around him. I can’t get enough anymore. an ymore. I used to (e normal and ask for space. I wish the relationship were like that again. I want to (e independent (ut I feel fee l like shit all the time without him. I feel so physically and mentally sick. What the fuck do I do5 I o(viously o (viously want to talk to him without (ringing up the fighting or we’ll fight. I want to tell him that I realize I need to give him space and (y not n ot doing so I’m putting pressure and stress on him. I need to tell him I want to go (ack to the girl he fell in love with. iving my life ne)t to his (ut not living his life or living my life (ecause of him. I need ne ed to tell him I have to do the things I like again. ag ain. 8ut this is so difficult to carry out even for the person you love. I want to (e with him all the time. I don’t want to have dinner without him' or sleep alone without him. Who knows if the school and a nd work will make this worse. 8ecause it’s all a(out my mindset now. I didn’t think like this (efore. I wasn’t scared of losing him at every moment. +ay(e summer and school have nothing to do with this. #r may(e I spent so much free time with him in the summer I’m having withdrawal symptoms. 8ut I need to stop (ecause I’m hurting myself' him' and us. I need to (e like him. he’s so independent and doesn’t cry a(out everything. He doesn’t (ase his happiness off of me or  the time he has left with me.

 

I want to sleep ne)t to him every night. I want him (eside me right now. I’m scared I’ll cry when I see him (ecause (e cause of this. It’s really (ad.