You Have Two Cows...

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Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord oI the manor takes some oI the milk. And all the
cream.
Spanish Monarchy: You have two cows. The government takes the milk Irom one cow, and
your other cow gives birth to a bull which you throw into an arena with a guy carrying a cape
and sword.
Individualism: You have two cows. You take care oI them, you keep the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one oI your cows and gives it to your
neighbor. You're both Iorced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to
take care oI his cow.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care oI all the cows. The government gives you as much
milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared Ior by ex-chicken Iarmers. You have to take care
oI the chickens the government took Irom the chicken Iarmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.
National-Socialism (Nazism): You have two cows. The government takes both and gives them
to Germans. You are taken to a concentration camp.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care oI them, and
sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line Ior you share oI the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you
get it.
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care oI them, and you all
share the milk.
Soviet Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care oI them, but the government
takes all the milk.
Social Darwinism: You have two cows. One oI your cows produces milk in great quantities so
you keep it. The other cow does not, but you get a leather coat and some hamburger out oI it.
Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care oI them, but the MaIia takes all the
milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "Iree" market.
Collectivism: You have two cows. The government takes both. You have to take care oI them
and produce the amount oI milk that the government tells you. Produce less and the government
shoots you.
Stalinist Collectivism: You have two cows. The government takes both and leaves you to
starve.
1uche: You have two cows. The government takes both. You are given only a small amount oI
milk, while the leader has the most oI it. You must thank the leader Ior the amount. Complain
and your entire Iamily are taken to labor camps.
Khmer Rouge: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and draIts you.
Colonialism: You have two cows. The government takes them. They take you as well and
enslave you.
Matriarchy: You have two cows. The government says that only men shall take care oI them.
Women take the milk.
Meritocracy: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care oI them,
and gives you how much milk you deserve.
Kleptocracy: You have two cows. Your neighbour steals them. You go and steal Irom your
neighbours.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. A vote is help on who gets the milk.
Christian Democracy: You have two cows. Give one to your neighbor.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who
gets the milk.
American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows iI you vote Ior it. AIter
the election, the president is impeached Ior speculating in cow Iutures. The press dubs the aIIair
"Cowgate." The cows are set Iree.
Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You Ieel guilty Ior
being so successIul. You vote politicians into oIIice who tax your cows, which Iorces you to sell
one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow Ior your neighbor. You Ieel
good. Barbra Streisand sings Ior you.
Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a
better neighborhood.
British Democracy: You have two cows. You Ieed them sheep brains and they go mad. The
government gives you compensation Ior your diseased cows, compensation Ior your lost income,
and a grant not to use your Iields Ior anything else. And tells the public not to worry.
Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government Iines you Ior keeping two
unlicensed Iarm animals in an apartment.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At Iirst the government regulates what you can Ieed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. AIter that it takes both, shoots
one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to Iill out Iorms
accounting Ior the missing cows.
Tribalism: You have two cows. You Iight with your neighbor to deIend you cows. Whoever
lives takes the others cows.
Libertarianism: You have two cows. II the government tries to take them you Iight back.
Anarchy: You have to cows. Steal some more or deIend your cows Irom your neighbors.
Anarcho-Capitalism: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a Iair price or your
neighbors try to kill you and take the cows
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the
economy grows. You sell your heard and retire on the income.
Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism):
You have two cows.You sell three oI them to your publicly-listed company, using letters oI
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with
associated general oIIer so that you get all Iour cows back, with a tax deduction Ior keeping Iive
cows.
The milk rights oI six cows are transIerred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven
cows' milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the
money to buy a cow Ior a poor Iarmer a country ruled by a dictator. The Iarmer has no hay to
Ieed the cow and his religion Iorbids him Irom eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The
dictator conIiscates the dead man's Iarm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military
equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new
ally.
Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one oI them because
the government will only give you a license Ior one oI them. The license requires you to sell all
your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots oI money
to store the cheese in reIrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government
distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick Irom the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are
turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a
success and reminds us that we have the Iinest health care system in the world.
American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it
back to yourselI so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You
inject the cows with drugs and they produce Iour times the normal amount oI milk. Your bosses
give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one oI the cows to drop dead you announce to the
press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up
and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay oII all your workers and move your production
Iacilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some oI your proIit to the President's
re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts Ior corporations in order to stimulate the
economy.
1apanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
oI an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or
Europe, but they drink a lot oI sake.
German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
oI beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. UnIortunately they also demand
13 weeks oI vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.
Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and
discover you really have Iive cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover
you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian MaIia
arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.
Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't Iind them. While searching Ior them you
meet a beautiIul woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. LiIe is good.
Swiss Corporatism: You have two cows, none oI which belongs to you. You charge others Ior
storing them.
French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow,
more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never
agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat Iabulous Iood and drink wonderIul wine. While
you are at lunch, the airline pilots and Ilight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air
traIIic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time
the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. LiIe is good.
Parliamentary system: You have two cows. A large group oI people who have probably never
raised cows themselves control how you raise your cows and how much milk the government
can take.
Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept oI "ownership" is an outdated
symbol oI your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two diIIerently-aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines oI non-speciIied gender. They get married and adopt a calI.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you Irom milking or killing
them.
Nihilism: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
Usury: You have two cows. You buyed them with the money Iorm loan sharks. You must repay
them more money with interest rate or they will take your cows.
Cannibalism: You have two cows. Your neighbors eat you.
LGBT rights: You have two cows. They are lesbians and you take care oI them just like the rest
oI the other cows.
LGBT rights 2: You have two cows. They both marry and adopt a calI.
Counterculturalism: You have like, two cows.And,uuuh, they`re cool. You have got to have
some oI this milk.
Terrorism: You have two cows. One is killed in a car bombing the other is hold hostage by the
terrorists. You must do what they say or they will kill your cow.
Surrealism: You have two cows. You paint one green. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
Biblical Genesis: You have a cow and a bull. They procreate and Iill the world.
Creationism: You have two cows. They`re God`s creation.
Hinduism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Buddhism: You have two cows. Treat them well because they are your loved ones reincarnated.
Satanism: You have two cows. SacriIice them Ior Satan.
Apocalypticism: You have two cows.You killed them beIore the Apocalypse and wait Ior the
inevitable end.
1ehovah`s Witnesses: You have two cows. You take care oI them, milk them, then go door to
door trying to get other people to drink your cow's milk.
Unitarian Universalism: You have two cows. Other people also have cows. Even though other
people's cows may be diIIerent Irom your own, your cows are not any better than theirs and you
should learn about the cows oI others.
Agnosticism: You have two cows. You don`t know iI God made them or not.
Atheism: You have two cows. You don`t believe that God made them.
Utopianism: You have two cows. The one Ior the beeI grows twice as Iast,is twice the size
which means twice more beeI,and the other one gives twice more milk each day than any other
cow and it lives 100 years.
Matrix: You have two cows. You take the blue cow, the story ends, you wake up in your bed
and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red cow, you stay in Wonderland, and I
show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Matrix 2: You have two cows. You know they`re not real.
Matrix 3: You have two cows. You wonder iI they are just a program oI the Matrix or they are
stuck here with you too.
Pastafarianism: You have two cows. You slaughter them, mince the meat, make meat balls out
oI the minced meat, then take two meat balls and along with spaghetti make a Flying Spaghetti
Monster on your plate.
Cryptozoology: You have two cows. One is killed by the Chupachabra.
UFOlogy: You have two cows. You Iind one mutilated by aliens.
Vegetarianism: You have no cows.
Lacto vegetarianism: You have two cows. You drink their milk and make cheese, yogurt,
cream and butter out oI it.
Zoophilia: You have two cows. You start a threesome.
Kamikaze: You have two cows. Strap dynamite around them and detonate them when they are
close to your target(s).
Cloning: You have two cows. Now you have three cows. Then you have Iour cows. Later you
have Iixe cows. And so on.
Twin Peaks: You have two cows. They are not what they seem.
Chuck Norris: You have two cows. One milks itselI and the other Ilips burgers iI it knows what
is good Ior her.

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