24 Nasir Jokes - 003
Content
TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN JOKES - 003
********************************************************
No 1
FUNNY FARTY LIMERICKS
Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
Arty Farty
Had a party
All the farts were there.
Tutti frutti
dropped a beauty
And they all went out for air.
********************************************************
No 2
R.I.P.
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away i
n her sleep.
Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply; "Take no chances order all three."
********************************************************
No 3
SONGS FOR THOSE OVER 40
Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
ABBA - Denture Queen
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
The Troggs - Bald Thing....
********************************************************
No 4
STUPID SONN'S OF BITCHES
"All right, you stupid son's of bitches, fall in -- on the double!" bark
ed the sergeant as he strode into the barracks. Each soldier grabbed his hat and
jumped to his feet, expect one -- a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.
"Well?" roared the sergeant.
"Well," observed the private, "there certainly were a lot of them, were
n't there?
********************************************************
No 5
SNEAKY
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make
love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her rea
ding lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using
on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like
to explain our three kids."
********************************************************
No 6
SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE TRYING TO KILL YOU
*
Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
*
He actually *does* have your tongue.
*
You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
*
Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
*
You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
*
As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a fa
int whiff of catnip.
*
Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
*
Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking a
t me? Mew looking
at me?"
*
Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
*
You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse
chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
*
Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
*
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
*
Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
********************************************************
No 7
DOG IN HEAT
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gas
oline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now,
but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on th
e leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
********************************************************
No 8
TWO STUPID GEEKS
Two computer science students meet on campus one day. The first student
calls out to the other, 'Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?'
'Well,' replies the other, 'I was walking to class the other day when th
is pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!''
'Good choice,' says the first, 'Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway
.'
********************************************************
No 9
GOOD GIRLS AND BAD GIRLS
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
********************************************************
No 10
TOP SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS PLANNING A LAYOFF
1.
CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
2.
Dr. Kevorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
3.
rk."
Windows 98 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Wo
4.
Company softball team down-sized to chess team.
5.
Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
6.
Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
7.
Company president now driving a Hyundai.
8.
Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandone
d Fotomat booth.
9.
Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
10.
Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
********************************************************
No 11
10 SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE GAY
-
You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
-
You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
-
Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
-
Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
-
Your nickname is "Homo."
-
Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
-
You know over 10 people named Bruce.
-
There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
-
You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
********************************************************
No 12
30 LADIES...WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
********************************************************
No 13
SNAPPY COMEBACK!
A man goes up to a woman at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom wi
th your name on it"
The woman says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan Extra
Small'"
********************************************************
No 14
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN....
*
Your date takes you to McDonald's just to watch the sign change.
*
When you enter a nice restaurant, the hostess asks whether you want a ta
ble or an estimate.
*
You wear yellow pants, bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to
get in for a ride to the
airport.
*
When you linger on a street corner, a cop comes by and tells you to "bre
ak it up."
********************************************************
No 15
WHAT IS IT???
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
"A Last Name."
********************************************************
No 16
BUSINESSES THAT FAILED
GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees, despi
te the mirrored
bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent bur
ial plots and other amenities.
PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.
STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.
HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.
PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "25,000 mile tune-ups".
UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term customer
base.
SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorhoids... available in all our favorite fragran
ces.
********************************************************
No 17
EVIL MARIJUANA
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture to
pic and on to his favorite subject; the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day
into his inventory of horrors about marujuana.
"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer
and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!"
"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfrie
nd uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"
********************************************************
No 18
AUCTION
Becky woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her last night's dream. "
I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones
as low as $10."
Sam asked "What about one my size?"
To which Becky replied: "Didn't get a bid!"
Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream.
"I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the
loose ones for $10."
Becky asked "What about ones like mine?"
To which Sam responded..."That's where they held the auction."
********************************************************
No 19
TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE
*
Never take a beer to a job interview.
*
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
*
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still co
nsidered tacky to drive a
U-HAUL to the funeral home.
********************************************************
No 20
DYNAMITE!
ing,
There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his big muscles and repeat
Ten tons of dynamite, ten tons of dynamite, while eyeing the females around.
One young lady was impressed and, with the intention of giving him a try
, entered the tent with him.
She was out in a moment saying
ch of fuse?
Huh, ten tons of dynamite, with half an in
********************************************************
No 21
DOG TALK
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar ha
ving a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoe
ver can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone.....
.cheese mine.''
********************************************************
No 22
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checku
p, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. Fo
r lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal f
or him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it w
ill only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love wit
h your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months t
o a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
He said you're going to die," she replied.
********************************************************
No 23
HALLMARK CARDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
*
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good
pay.
*
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire..
.I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
*
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it
... She moved in with
me.
*
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but w
onder? What the fuck
was I thinking?
*
.
Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband
*
How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?
*
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After havin
g met you... I've
changed my mind.
*
I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in H
ell till I met you.
*
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to ta
ke this knife out of my
back? You'll probably need it again.
*
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... almost lifelike!
*
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think
it's time you kept your promise.
*
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
*
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... did you ever find out who t
he father was?
*
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... s
o we're having you put
to sleep.
*
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and We
st Virginia)
********************************************************
No 24
THOUGHTS FTOM AN AFRICAN AMERICAN
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I go in sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm scared, I'm black.
When I get sick, I'm black.
And when I die, I'm still black.
You white folks......
When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you go in the sun, you're red.
When you get cold, you're blue.
When you're scared, you're yellow.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you're bruised, you're purple.
And when you die, you're gray.
So are you callin' colored ?
********************************************************
********************************************************
No 1
FUNNY FARTY LIMERICKS
Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
Arty Farty
Had a party
All the farts were there.
Tutti frutti
dropped a beauty
And they all went out for air.
********************************************************
No 2
R.I.P.
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away i
n her sleep.
Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply; "Take no chances order all three."
********************************************************
No 3
SONGS FOR THOSE OVER 40
Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
ABBA - Denture Queen
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
The Troggs - Bald Thing....
********************************************************
No 4
STUPID SONN'S OF BITCHES
"All right, you stupid son's of bitches, fall in -- on the double!" bark
ed the sergeant as he strode into the barracks. Each soldier grabbed his hat and
jumped to his feet, expect one -- a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.
"Well?" roared the sergeant.
"Well," observed the private, "there certainly were a lot of them, were
n't there?
********************************************************
No 5
SNEAKY
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make
love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her rea
ding lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using
on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like
to explain our three kids."
********************************************************
No 6
SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE TRYING TO KILL YOU
*
Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
*
He actually *does* have your tongue.
*
You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
*
Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
*
You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
*
As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a fa
int whiff of catnip.
*
Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
*
Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking a
t me? Mew looking
at me?"
*
Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
*
You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse
chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
*
Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
*
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
*
Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
********************************************************
No 7
DOG IN HEAT
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gas
oline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now,
but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on th
e leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
********************************************************
No 8
TWO STUPID GEEKS
Two computer science students meet on campus one day. The first student
calls out to the other, 'Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?'
'Well,' replies the other, 'I was walking to class the other day when th
is pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!''
'Good choice,' says the first, 'Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway
.'
********************************************************
No 9
GOOD GIRLS AND BAD GIRLS
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
********************************************************
No 10
TOP SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS PLANNING A LAYOFF
1.
CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
2.
Dr. Kevorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
3.
rk."
Windows 98 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Wo
4.
Company softball team down-sized to chess team.
5.
Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
6.
Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
7.
Company president now driving a Hyundai.
8.
Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandone
d Fotomat booth.
9.
Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
10.
Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
********************************************************
No 11
10 SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE GAY
-
You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
-
You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
-
Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
-
Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
-
Your nickname is "Homo."
-
Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
-
You know over 10 people named Bruce.
-
There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
-
You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
********************************************************
No 12
30 LADIES...WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
********************************************************
No 13
SNAPPY COMEBACK!
A man goes up to a woman at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom wi
th your name on it"
The woman says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan Extra
Small'"
********************************************************
No 14
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN....
*
Your date takes you to McDonald's just to watch the sign change.
*
When you enter a nice restaurant, the hostess asks whether you want a ta
ble or an estimate.
*
You wear yellow pants, bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to
get in for a ride to the
airport.
*
When you linger on a street corner, a cop comes by and tells you to "bre
ak it up."
********************************************************
No 15
WHAT IS IT???
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
"A Last Name."
********************************************************
No 16
BUSINESSES THAT FAILED
GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees, despi
te the mirrored
bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent bur
ial plots and other amenities.
PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.
STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.
HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.
PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "25,000 mile tune-ups".
UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term customer
base.
SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorhoids... available in all our favorite fragran
ces.
********************************************************
No 17
EVIL MARIJUANA
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture to
pic and on to his favorite subject; the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day
into his inventory of horrors about marujuana.
"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer
and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!"
"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfrie
nd uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"
********************************************************
No 18
AUCTION
Becky woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her last night's dream. "
I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones
as low as $10."
Sam asked "What about one my size?"
To which Becky replied: "Didn't get a bid!"
Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream.
"I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the
loose ones for $10."
Becky asked "What about ones like mine?"
To which Sam responded..."That's where they held the auction."
********************************************************
No 19
TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE
*
Never take a beer to a job interview.
*
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
*
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still co
nsidered tacky to drive a
U-HAUL to the funeral home.
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No 20
DYNAMITE!
ing,
There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his big muscles and repeat
Ten tons of dynamite, ten tons of dynamite, while eyeing the females around.
One young lady was impressed and, with the intention of giving him a try
, entered the tent with him.
She was out in a moment saying
ch of fuse?
Huh, ten tons of dynamite, with half an in
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No 21
DOG TALK
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar ha
ving a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoe
ver can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone.....
.cheese mine.''
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No 22
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checku
p, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. Fo
r lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal f
or him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it w
ill only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love wit
h your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months t
o a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
He said you're going to die," she replied.
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No 23
HALLMARK CARDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
*
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good
pay.
*
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire..
.I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
*
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it
... She moved in with
me.
*
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but w
onder? What the fuck
was I thinking?
*
.
Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband
*
How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?
*
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After havin
g met you... I've
changed my mind.
*
I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in H
ell till I met you.
*
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to ta
ke this knife out of my
back? You'll probably need it again.
*
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... almost lifelike!
*
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think
it's time you kept your promise.
*
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
*
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... did you ever find out who t
he father was?
*
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... s
o we're having you put
to sleep.
*
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and We
st Virginia)
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No 24
THOUGHTS FTOM AN AFRICAN AMERICAN
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I go in sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm scared, I'm black.
When I get sick, I'm black.
And when I die, I'm still black.
You white folks......
When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you go in the sun, you're red.
When you get cold, you're blue.
When you're scared, you're yellow.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you're bruised, you're purple.
And when you die, you're gray.
So are you callin' colored ?
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