30 Rock--"United Nations"
Content
30 ROCK “United Nations” by Casey Callaghan
COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - DAY JACK leans against the front of his desk, drink in hand. A pile of wooden pieces sits on the floor. Jack stares at the pile as if trying to will it to assemble. LIZ enters. LIZ Hey Jack, you ever notice that no matter how busy you are, you‟re always able to see me on Thursdays? JACK I don‟t have time for you to be meta, Lemon. I have figure out how to put this crib together. LIZ A crib? Can‟t one of your servants do that? JACK Normally yes, but Avery asked me to do this personally. She says it symbolizes the bond I have with my daughter. I say it‟s a waste of time that could be spent schmoozing Ivy League deans to get her into a good school. LIZ Already? Won‟t most of them be dead by the time she gets to college? JACK Not college, Lemon. He hands Liz a flyer.
LIZ (reading from flyer) Little Lawyers Preschool? She opens the flyer. JACK The Half-Pint Harvard. LIZ (still reading) They have an Olympic-size swimming pool? JACK Failure to get into that school will haunt her for the rest of her professional career. So now, instead of calling admissions boards and pretending to support arts education, I have to build a wooden box that may as well be my daughter‟s academic coffin. LIZ You‟re a Six-Sigma! Shouldn‟t this take you, like, twenty minutes? JACK I‟m an executive! I work with my heads, not my hands! LIZ Your heads? JACK Think about it, Lemon. She does. LIZ Gross, what kind of work do you do with your -- nope, never mind. JACK What do you need, Lemon?
LIZ Danny has some friends flying in from Canada and he wanted to get them tickets to the show. JACK Damn freeloaders. We let them live in our attic, isn‟t that enough? LIZ Maybe, but American taxes do come out of his paycheck. JACK I guess I do owe him that much. Alright, his friends can have tickets to the show, but only if he lets me box him on Boxing Day. LIZ Boxing, huh? I thought you didn‟t work with your hands. JACK Who says I‟m going to use my hands? Liz looks at him quizzically. Jack holds up his right hand. On one of his fingers is a long, tiny leather sleeve with a boxing glove on the end. Jack and the boxing glove finger puppet look at his junk, then back at Lemon. Jack makes the boxing glove nod. END COLD OPEN
ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY Liz is at her computer when PETE enters. PETE Hey Liz? LIZ What‟s up? PETE We need to set up for rehearsal but Tracy won‟t stop rehearsing his Harlem Boys‟ Choir. FLASHBACK TO: INT. TGS STAGE - MOMENTS AGO Tracy is onstage. He is holding a baton and in front of him is a stand with sheet music on it. TRACY No, no! The tenors are still too sharp! I knew I should‟ve gotten you all castrated! CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz and Pete are as we left them. LIZ (sighs) I‟m on it. INT. TGS BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Tracy enters from the stage with about 30 young boys in tow.
TRACY (to the room) Who wants to hear a Tracy Jordan comedy bomb? Everyone in earshot cheers. Tracy prepares to deliver his comedy bomb, but Liz rushes in to stop him. LIZ No, no, that just means he‟s about to fart. Liz leads Tracy away. Seconds later some of the boys grimace and wave their hands in front of their noses. INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS TRACY What‟s wrong, LL? You used to love that joke. FLASHBACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - DAY Tracy and Liz are both laughing, Tracy sincerely and Liz more forced. LIZ Oh Tracy! CLOSEUP: LIZ‟S BUTT Liz lifts one buttcheek off of her chair. CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Tracy and Liz are as we left them.
LIZ Yes, well, times change. Anyway, I need a favor. Danny has some friends coming in from Canada and I would like you to meet them at the airport. TRACY Ah yes, because I am the TGS Foreign Relations Liaison. LIZ What? TRACY You appointed me when those Germans came to buy NBC. FLASHBACK TO: INT. OUTSIDE TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Tracy exits his dressing room and walks quickly down the hallway. TRACY Alright, I‟ll behave myself, but they better not try to put me in a concentration camp. I‟m already very good at-Something catches his eye. Changing directions, he walks toward it. CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Tracy and Liz haven‟t moved. LIZ You remember that? TRACY Of course I remember that! My mind is like a steel trap! What were we talking about?
LIZ Their flight gets in at 3:15, so you need to be there by 3:30. TRACY You can count on me, Liz Lemon. It‟ll be like “Driving Miss Daisy”, except with a black guy. LIZ Morgan Freeman is black, Tracy. Tracy laughs. TRACY No he‟s not. Have you heard his artic-a-lation? INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack holds open the door to his office. JONATHAN enters and Jack closes the door. There is still a pile of wood on the floor. JACK Thank you for coming Jonathan, I know you‟re on lunch. JONATHAN That‟s okay sir. My mother says I need to lose weight. Besides, I would follow you to the ends of the Earth. JACK (to himself) Unfortunately, you‟d also follow me back. JONATHAN What was that, sir? JACK Nothing. You have some woodworking experience, correct?
JONATHAN Yes sir. I used to be a lumberjack. FLASHBACK TO: EXT. FOREST - DAY Jonathan is in the woods with a chainsaw, wearing flannel and blue jeans and sporting a full beard. He saws through a large pine tree. We hear it fall, followed by car alarms, metal and glassed being destroyed, and an explosion or two. Horrified, Jonathan whips out his cell phone and dials. JONATHAN Mr. Leno? Remember that favor you owe me? CUT BACK TO: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack and Jonathan are as we left them. Jack gestures to the wood pile. JACK Excellent. I need this crib assembled by seven. JONATHAN No problem sir. It will be my finest work since your birthday present. ...Where is that, by the way? JACK I sold it to the Met. They were very interested in adding it to their...collection. FLASHBACK TO: INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART COAT CHECK - NIGHT A queue leads to a coat check station, where a COAT CHECKER politely waits to help the next patron.
COAT CHECKER May I have your number, please? A PATRON hands her the number, and she retrieves his coat. It is hanging on a marble statue in Jack‟s likeness. Several coats are hanging from the statue, including one from its penis. A coat checker removes that coat, but before what‟s underneath is revealed... CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S CAR - LATER Danny and Tracy are waiting outside the airport. DANNY Thank you again, Tracy. I really appreciate this. TRACY No problem! It is my pleasure, as both a fellow actor, and as the TGS Foreign Relations Liaison. DANNY You‟re really taking that seriously, aren‟t you? TRACY I have to! Can you imagine if Toofer was our Foreign Relations Liaison? FLASHBACK TO: INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - EVENING Toofer is seated at a table with two Brazilian businessmen. TOOFER I hope you enjoy your dinners, gentlemen. The head chef here worked in the White House during the Reagan administration.
BUSINESSMAN #1 (Portuguese, with subtitles) I don‟t see chicken and waffles anywhere on the menu! BUSINESSMAN #2 (Portuguese, with subtitles) When is Kanye West joining us? CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S CAR - CONTINUOUS Danny and Tracy are still waiting for Danny‟s friends. DANNY I can‟t believe you‟re wearing a tuxedo. TRACY Of course I am, Dan Band! I might be the first American they ever meet. You gotta look sharp to represent this country. Danny laughs. DANNY What‟s with the hat? TRACY (conspiratorially) That‟s so they can‟t take my picture when I run red lights. Danny isn‟t sure what to make of this. TRACY (CONT‟D) Nah, I‟m just kidding! It‟s so Howard Stern can‟t read my thoughts through the radio. Danny is relieved... kind of.
DANNY Oh! ...Well, I hope these guys aren‟t too rowdy for you. They can get a little... rambunctious. TRACY Are you kidding me? I invented that word! You look it up in the dictionary and you gonna find my picture! That‟s because I tape a headshot in there every time I go to the library. At that moment, the back door of Tracy‟s car opens and three large, boisterous Canadians come bounding in. DOUGIE Dann-ay! DANNY Doug-ay! They perform a complicated handshake that they‟ve clearly been honing over many years. DANNY (CONT‟D) Tracy, these are my friends-DOUGIE sits in the back seat. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --Dougie-Dougie waves enthusiastically. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --Gordie-GORDIE is seated next to Dougie and waves even more enthusiastically. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --and Chucky. A Chucky doll sits next to Gordie and laughs evilly. Tracy is terrified.
DANNY (CONT‟D) (explaining) He‟s from Quebec. Tracy accepts this explanation. DOUGIE Alright, let‟s get some music in here, huh!? Dougie reaches into the front seat and turns on the radio. Before Tracy can stop this appalling breach of the social contract, Dougie fiddles with knobs until he hits on a rock station playing a band that sounds a lot like Rush. Tracy is aghast, until... DANNY, DOUGIE, GORDIE (singing) His name‟s Huck Finn, he‟s a man of sin, and he‟s riding a raft down a river of looove! Tracy is horrified at what he has gotten himself into.
ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER THAT AFTERNOON Liz is at her computer. JENNA enters in a huff. JENNA “Foreign Relations Liaison”? LIZ Why yes, I did enjoy going to the movies by myself last night, thank you for asking. JENNA He gets a title and I don‟t? LIZ Jenna, I only gave him that title so he would shut up while the Germans were here. JENNA I don‟t care if he took lessons from Anne Frank-LIZ Too soon... I think. JENNA --if he gets a title, I want one too. Liz thinks about arguing, but it‟s not worth it. LIZ Fine. You can be the... She reaches for a title, but Jenna has one prepared. JENNA High Queen of Youth Outreach.
LIZ Wow, uh... wait, you don‟t even like kids. JENNA Of course I do! Remember that time I helped Honey Boo-Boo make weight? LIZ ...You mean lose weight. JENNA No. LIZ Fine, whatever. Just don‟t let it interfere with the show. JENNA You‟re the boss. She smiles like she just got away with something and leaves. Liz remembers something as soon as Jenna exits. LIZ And you can‟t make anyone-JENNA (addressing the writers) Attention peons! You are now required to call me “Your Majesty”. Jenna exits the writer‟s room affecting a regal air. LIZ Dammit! She calls someone on the phone. LIZ (CONT‟D) (into phone) Pete? Get the spray, she‟s at it again.
She hangs up. INT. OUTSIDE JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack talks on his cell with his feet on Jonathan‟s desk. JACK (into phone) No one can argue what it has to say about friendship and perseverance, but if you read between the lines I think it‟s easy to see that Clifford, the Big Red dog is a love letter to communism. As the person on the other end responds, Jonathan opens the door to Jack‟s office and beckons Jack to come in. Jack nods in acknowledgement and takes his feet off Jonathan‟s desk. JACK (CONT‟D) (into phone) Well thank you very much. Tell you what, I‟ll have my assistant set up a meeting. I‟d love to continue our conversation about the snack qualifications of ants on a log. Take care. He hangs up. JACK (CONT‟D) Is it ready? Jonathan nods excitedly. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jonathan holds open the door and Jack enters. Jack gasps and covers his mouth his hand.
Jonathan has created a masterpiece. The crib has been beautifully assembled, a mobile of twenty dollar bills spins slowly as it hangs above bed, and an ornate sculpture of cherubs flying around a heart is attached to the headboard. “JD + JA” is carved inside the heart. JACK This is beautiful! The heart, the mobile... this is exactly what I want my daughter falling asleep to every night! ...Although you did get Avery‟s initials backwards. Jack turns to Jonathan, who has a broad grin. Jack turns back to the crib -- something is coming together. JACK Jonathan...what‟s your last name? JONATHAN (gleefully) Asuri. Jack sets his jaw. Jonathan picked the wrong day for this. INT. TRACY‟S CAR - AFTERNOON Danny has moved into the back seat, and the karaoke session is still going at full force. Gordie drums on the back of Tracy‟s seat, a breach of conduct that doesn‟t improve Tracy‟s already foul mood. Irritated by his current lot, Tracy looks for someone to share his misery. He sees a businessman in the back of a limo and gives him an expression seeking solidarity. The businessman remains unmoved, and rolls up his tinted window. Tracy is puzzled. He is one of the most-recognized people on Earth, even by old white folk. He is despondent once more.
The limo pulls forward and another one takes its place. The driver of the limo sees Tracy‟s glum look and offers Tracy the sympathy Tracy was hoping for moments ago. It is Tracy‟s turn to give a cold shoulder, and he rolls up the window to block this commoner‟s attempt at bonding. It is then that Tracy looks in the rearview mirror and spots his reflection for the first time: wearing a tuxedo and a black cap in the driver‟s seat of a fine automobile. The Canadians have turned him into a chauffeur. Tracy screams, throws open the door, and runs into 7th Avenue traffic. Danny rolls down the window. DANNY (concered) Tray, what‟s the matter? No response. Danny gets out of the car to chase after his friend. Dougie and Gordie watch their friend leave, then look to the empty driver‟s seat. DOUGIE Alright boys, looks like I‟m driving. Dougie attempts to climb out, but Gordie stops him. GORDIE Wait -- don‟t they drive on the wrong side of the road here? Dougie and Gordie mull this over. EXT. 7TH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS Tracy shuffles down the street huffing and puffing. TRACY I need to have Grizz get some weights--
He takes a labored breath. TRACY (CONT‟D) --and set them on my snack chest so I can‟t open it. Danny catches up to Tracy. DANNY What‟s wrong, buddy? TRACY I used to be treated like a star! But thanks to your friends, I just got shunned! I haven‟t been this disrespected by a Canadian since Alex Trebek refused to answer my questions! FLASHBACK TO: INT. JEOPARDY SET Tracy asks a question at a lit-up Jeopardy podium. TRACY Where is the bathroom? ALEX TREBEK (OS) Sorry, that‟s incorrect. Tracy is joined at the podiums by Bryan Cranston and Kathy Griffin. Bryan and Kathy are doing well, but Tracy is far in the red. CUT BACK TO: EXT. 7TH AVENUE - DAY Tracy‟s eyes grow wide and he runs away from Danny. Danny turns around and sees Gordie and Dougie approaching. GORDIE Where‟s Tracy going?
DANNY You guys scared him off! I told you, they‟re not as boisterous down here. Dougie and Gordie are dismayed, but Dougie soon cheers up. DOUGIE Then we‟ll teach him how to be boisterous! Renewed in purpose, Dougie and Gordie go bounding after Tracy. DANNY No, that‟s not--! Danny chases after his friends. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Jack is at his desk. In one hand is the directions to assemble the crib, in the other is the phone. As he speaks, he turns the directions, trying to make sense of them. JACK (into phone) Do what you will with the other games, but I‟m not sending my daughter to a school without “Duck, Duck, Goose”. It‟s the one vestige of meritocracy left in our educational system. Someone knocks on Jack‟s door. JACK (CONT‟D) Listen, I‟ll have to call you back. Why don‟t you talk to my girl and set up a teleconference? (pause) Yes, Jonathan is a strange name for a girl. He hangs up the phone and opens the door.
KENNETH stands there tentatively eyeing Jonathan, who is bawling at his desk. Kenneth scoots into Jack‟s office, eager to be removed from the awkward situation. Jack closes the door. KENNETH It‟s so warm in here... He turns towards a soft glow in the corner of the room. KENNETH (CONT‟D) (excited) A bonfire? Are y‟all burning heathens!? Jack shuts the door. JACK In a manner of speaking. Jonathan‟s crib has been torn apart, piled up and set on fire. The heart rests on top, wreathed in flame. JACK (CONT‟D) So I was examining your personnel file and I noticed that you had some experience with woodworking. KENNETH Yes sir! I used to build arks with Reverend Gary every summer. JACK Really? I had an uncle who used to make model boats. KENNETH Yes... models... An awkward moment, until Jack gets things back on track. He has purchased another crib and gestures to it. JACK I need this crib put together. He hands Kenneth the instructions.
JACK (CONT‟D) Here are the instructions, don‟t find me until you‟re done. KENNETH Yes sir! ...Will I need to chop down the trees myself? JACK No, the wood is included. KENNETH Oh, good. I don‟t think my teeth are quite up to it these days. Kenneth eagerly sets to his work and Jack heads out to monitor his kingdom. INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER As Jack strolls around, Danny enters in a panic. He sees Jack and rushes to him for help. DANNY Jack, have you seen two large Canadians running around? JACK No... but if I smell any socialism-laced poutine, I‟ll let you know. DANNY (distraught) Ah, dammit... JACK What‟s wrong, Danny? DANNY Tracy picked my friends up from the airport, but they scared him away... I dunno, back home my friends always seemed like they just wanted to be friendly and (MORE)
DANNY (CONT‟D) make sure everyone was having fun, but here they‟re obnoxious and violating everyone‟s personal space. They‟re acting so... JACK Canadian? DANNY (guilty) Yeah. Is it bad of me to say that? JACK Not at all. You‟re just finally realizing that Canadians, like all ethnic groups, fit their stereotype. It‟s an important trait for someone like you to have. DANNY As a Canadian? JACK As a comedian. I‟d never denigrate the struggle of the poor black teenager in the Internet age, because I‟m a rich white baby boomer and it would be unseemly. There is plenty of material available out there if you want to paint a complex, true-to-life portrait of a young man from the projects trying to claw his way up the American socio-economic ladder while staying loyal to his cultural roots. But sometimes, when you‟re doing a comedy show and a character has been monologueing for too long and you need to give the audience a laugh in the next five seconds or you‟ll lose them, sometimes you just have to go with--
Tracy runs in, panicked. Dougie and Gordie chase him from a distance. TRACY Stay away from me! I hate Canada! I hate hockey, I hate cold weather, and I think I hate the Barenaked Ladies but they haven‟t had a mainstream hit since 1998 so it‟s hard to tell. Now stop following me so I can go to a movie and yell at the screen because I don‟t know how to swim! Tracy runs out. Gordie and Dougie, still desperate to get Tracy to like them, run after him. JACK (to himself) God his timing is incredible. (to Danny) Embrace the stereotype, Danny, and use it to your advantage. DANNY Okay...but how? JACK When the time is right, you‟ll know. DANNY Thanks, Jack. Danny runs after his friends. Jack is struck by inspiration. JACK No Danny...thank you. Jack runs out as well. END OF ACT
ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER Liz is reading a magazine. Tracy enters and shuts the door, startling her. LIZ Ham burglar! TRACY I can‟t -- was that one word or two? LIZ What do you want, Tracy? TRACY I can‟t make rehearsal tonight, Liz Lemon. I have to get to Harlem for an open mic night. LIZ Tracy, we have a show tomorrow! TRACY A show that gives me no recognition for the fantastic work I do! I killed last week, and no one even said good job. FLASHBACK TO: INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT Jenna grins from ear to ear, giving a beauty pageant wave to the audience and soaking up their applause. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz is as we left her.
LIZ That was Jenna. Tracy is gone and Jenna stands in his place. As she speaks, her voice is replaced by Tracy‟s. JENNA (VO: Tracy) It was me! LIZ Oh my God! How did you do that? JENNA (VO: Tracy) George Lucas owed me a favor. FLASHBACK TO: INT. LUCASFILM WRITER‟S ROOM - NIGHT GEORGE LUCAS is talking into a telephone. GEORGE LUCAS Uh-huh...uh-huh. And you‟re sure that‟s not racist? Uh-huh. Okay-okay, I gotcha. Uh-huh...thanks Tracy. He hangs up the phone, and then addresses a table of writers: GEORGE LUCAS (CONT‟D) Okay, here‟s what I‟m thinking for Jar Jar Binks-CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jenna is gone and Tracy is back. Liz is as we left her. TRACY I‟m sick of toiling in obscurity! I‟m a star dammit, and the public needs to remember that. Tracy exits.
LIZ Tell me about it. I have got to get a sitcom deal. She flashes a toothy smile into the camera. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack bursts into his own office. JACK Kenneth! Stop working on that crib! Kenneth is wiping his hands on his sleeves. KENNETH Too late, Mr. Donaghy. She‟s all done. While not as beautiful as Jonathan‟s rendition, Kenneth‟s crib is sturdy and elegant...except for the giant cross sticking out of the headboard. JACK A cross? Kenneth, are you nuts? Do you have any idea what Irish Catholic guilt is like? FLASHBACK TO: EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - MORNING Jack, in a good mood, is in a procession of people entering an ornate Catholic church. He is talking on the phone. JACK (into phone, seductively) Really? Well that sounds delightful. Why don‟t you keep the bed warm and the wine cold and I‟ll see you in two hours? He hangs up and enters the church, smiling. As soon as he crosses the threshold, he drops to his knees.
JACK (CONT‟D) I‟m sorry, Jesus! CUT BACK TO: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JACK Tear down that cross, Kenneth. KENNETH I don‟t think we‟re allowed to tear down crosses, Mr. Donaghy. If we were, then why didn‟t Jesus use his magic to tear his down when he was stuck on one? JACK Fine. If you won‟t tear it down, then I will! ...get this Mexican I found selling churros out of a cart outside the building to do it. Jack stands to one side. Behind him stands a MEXICAN, who has no idea how to react to this situation or this office. KENNETH Very well. But when you‟re burnin‟ in heck with the people who give hugs good-bye or take more than one free sample, don‟t come cryin‟ to me. He leaves haughtily. INT. TGS STAGE The cast is rehearsing a sketch while Liz watches. Jenna is dressed as Mary Poppins and Danny is dressed as a penguin. Dougie and Gordie sit in the audience and look absolutely miserable. Pete approaches Liz.
PETE Doesn‟t Tracy play the talking umbrella in this sketch? LIZ No, he‟s apparently playing the pain-in-the-ass actor who needed an evening to feel sorry for himself. PETE (taken aback) Wow. ...Is that sketch before the first commercial, or after? LIZ (frustrated) He‟s in Harlem, you jag! He was feeling sorry about his Q Score so he decided to hit up an openmic night instead. Gordie, Dougie, and Danny all hear this. Gordie and Dougie perk up while Danny‟s face falls. Gordie and Dougie rush out of the stage, and Danny chases after them. LIZ (CONT‟D) Great, now you‟re bailing too. You‟d better take off that penguin suit! It‟s a sign of aggression in Chelsea! She makes a frustrated noise. PETE Wow, two guys leaving you in one day... that can‟t feel good. LIZ (sighs) Eh, you get used to it. Jenna moves to the front of the stage. She claps her hands to get the audience‟s attention before addressing them.
JENNA Okay subjects, listen up. While rehearsal is postponed, I‟m going to give you a sneak-peek into my one-woman show chronicling my rise to stardom! The audience--comprised entirely of Tracy‟s Harlem Boys‟ Choir--groans collectively. INT. HARLEM COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT Tracy is onstage. He is in front of a full house, and he is bombing, hard. TRACY Did you guys see me in “Who Dat Ninja”? How about “Fat Bitch”? I was really funny in that, right? The crowd is silent. TRACY (CONT‟D) Or how „bout my role in “The Artist”? FLASHBACK TO: A mimic of an old black-and-white movie reel is playing, a la “The Artist”. Tracy is the star of this scene, and he mouths the words “If I swear, but nobody can hear me, do I still get in trouble?” Those words are displayed for several frames before the film cuts back to Tracy, who is glancing shiftily about as he waits for an answer to his question. When no answer comes, he starts saying a word: “f--“ CUT BACK TO: INT. HARLEM COMEDY CLUB - CONTINUOUS Tracy is still bombing.
TRACY Why aren‟t you laughing? I‟m a movie star, dammit, I don‟t have to work to be funny! The crowd starts booing. Dougie and Gordie enter the theater with Danny right behind them. All three are shocked at the scene taking place. The crowd is now throwing things at Tracy, who halfheartedly tries to dodge them. TRACY (CONT‟D) I‟m famous! I‟m famous!! Wanting to stop this madness, Danny comes up with an idea. He waves to get Tracy‟s attention. Tracy, desperate for help, looks at Danny, who points at Gordie and Dougie. Tracy is unsure this will work, but Danny nods his head. TRACY (CONT‟D) (tentatively) You guys know why Canadians like hockey so much? The crowd goes silent. TRACY (CONT‟D) Because the puck is the blackest thing on the ice. No one laughs--except Dougie and Gordie, who are in stitches. DOUGIE That‟s funny! GORDIE There aren‟t many black hockey players! Light laughter from the crowd.
TRACY And why are they so nice? It‟s like they don‟t want the United States to know we have a serial killer living upstairs. More laughter from the crowd. GORDIE It‟s true! DOUGIE We are way too nice! TRACY What‟s with that accent? No, I don‟t know what you‟re talking “aboot”. The crowd loves it, but Gordie and Dougie are nonplussed. DOUGIE Huh...I don‟t get that one. GORDIE Yeah, I‟m not sure what everyone‟s laughing aboot. A beat. They shrug and start laughing again. The crowd is standing and cheering, and Tracy is lapping it up. He finds Danny and gives him a point. Danny responds with a double thumbs-up. Tracy soaks up the applause a bit more before giving the crowd one final shot. TRACY And why do they drive on the wrong side of the road? Another home run. Tracy takes a bow, while Danny cheers for his friend.
INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - NIGHT As Liz enters Jack‟s office, the Mexican churro salesman exits, testing a 5-dollar bill for authenticity. Liz raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. Jack is on the phone. JACK (into phone) Well thank you. Liddy‟s champing at the bit to start school. That or she‟s teething, but either way it‟s a very exciting time. Okay, take care. He hangs up. JACK (CONT‟D) Don‟t you have a rehearsal? LIZ I did, until Tracy and Danny took off. Now Jenna‟s in there tormenting the youth of tomorrow. INT. TGS STAGE - CONTINUOUS Jenna, still in her Mary Poppins costume, is in the middle of her one-woman show. JENNA And that‟s I how I got the role of Choking Victim #1 in Episode 1912 of Law and Order: FoodRelated Incidents, which I will reenact for you now. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz and Jack are as we left them. LIZ So I thought I‟d head home and -wait, how the hell did I get here? That elevator was going down...
JACK Relax, Lemon. I want to show you something. He shows her the crib. LIZ Oh my God... it‟s beautiful. Did you finally debase yourself by working with your hands? JACK Nope. Cheap Mexican labor did. There‟s a reason they‟re taking our jobs, Lemon, they do damn fine work. I‟m starting to regret a few things I said in Arizona this summer. LIZ Well, I‟m glad your daughter will be attending Princeton preschool. Now if you‟ll excuse me, some of us in the unwashed masses need to figure out how to fit two rehearsals into three hours. She heads for the door. JACK Don‟t worry Lemon. Everything will seem fine once you‟re sitting on your couch eating a chicken parm Lean Pocket and watching a Tivo‟ed episode of Chopped. LIZ (frustrated) One time I am going to spend an evening doing something you‟ll never be able to guess. JACK No you won‟t, Lemon. Stereotypes never lie.
Exhausted and defeated, Liz leaves. Jack pours himself a highball and stares into the aether. He takes a drink. JACK (CONT‟D) (to himself) Stereotypes never lie. FADE OUT. JACK (CONT‟D) (VO) Unless you‟re Muslim. END OF ACT
TAG FADE IN INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT The boys in the audience are bored to tears as Jenna is still performing her one-woman show in the background. One of the boys, MORRIS, is pressing buttons on his phone. He notices something on his phone and perks up. MORRIS Hey, guys! Several of the nearby boys--DESEAN, TERRELL, and a few others--gather around. MORRIS (CONT‟D) I just found out that Jennifer Aniston is looking to adopt! DESEAN The Jennifer Aniston!? TERRELL As in Rachel from “Friends”!? MORRIS Yeah! They look at each other excitedly. DESEAN Let‟s go, guys! The group of boys bounds off, revitalized by hope. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW
COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - DAY JACK leans against the front of his desk, drink in hand. A pile of wooden pieces sits on the floor. Jack stares at the pile as if trying to will it to assemble. LIZ enters. LIZ Hey Jack, you ever notice that no matter how busy you are, you‟re always able to see me on Thursdays? JACK I don‟t have time for you to be meta, Lemon. I have figure out how to put this crib together. LIZ A crib? Can‟t one of your servants do that? JACK Normally yes, but Avery asked me to do this personally. She says it symbolizes the bond I have with my daughter. I say it‟s a waste of time that could be spent schmoozing Ivy League deans to get her into a good school. LIZ Already? Won‟t most of them be dead by the time she gets to college? JACK Not college, Lemon. He hands Liz a flyer.
LIZ (reading from flyer) Little Lawyers Preschool? She opens the flyer. JACK The Half-Pint Harvard. LIZ (still reading) They have an Olympic-size swimming pool? JACK Failure to get into that school will haunt her for the rest of her professional career. So now, instead of calling admissions boards and pretending to support arts education, I have to build a wooden box that may as well be my daughter‟s academic coffin. LIZ You‟re a Six-Sigma! Shouldn‟t this take you, like, twenty minutes? JACK I‟m an executive! I work with my heads, not my hands! LIZ Your heads? JACK Think about it, Lemon. She does. LIZ Gross, what kind of work do you do with your -- nope, never mind. JACK What do you need, Lemon?
LIZ Danny has some friends flying in from Canada and he wanted to get them tickets to the show. JACK Damn freeloaders. We let them live in our attic, isn‟t that enough? LIZ Maybe, but American taxes do come out of his paycheck. JACK I guess I do owe him that much. Alright, his friends can have tickets to the show, but only if he lets me box him on Boxing Day. LIZ Boxing, huh? I thought you didn‟t work with your hands. JACK Who says I‟m going to use my hands? Liz looks at him quizzically. Jack holds up his right hand. On one of his fingers is a long, tiny leather sleeve with a boxing glove on the end. Jack and the boxing glove finger puppet look at his junk, then back at Lemon. Jack makes the boxing glove nod. END COLD OPEN
ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY Liz is at her computer when PETE enters. PETE Hey Liz? LIZ What‟s up? PETE We need to set up for rehearsal but Tracy won‟t stop rehearsing his Harlem Boys‟ Choir. FLASHBACK TO: INT. TGS STAGE - MOMENTS AGO Tracy is onstage. He is holding a baton and in front of him is a stand with sheet music on it. TRACY No, no! The tenors are still too sharp! I knew I should‟ve gotten you all castrated! CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz and Pete are as we left them. LIZ (sighs) I‟m on it. INT. TGS BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Tracy enters from the stage with about 30 young boys in tow.
TRACY (to the room) Who wants to hear a Tracy Jordan comedy bomb? Everyone in earshot cheers. Tracy prepares to deliver his comedy bomb, but Liz rushes in to stop him. LIZ No, no, that just means he‟s about to fart. Liz leads Tracy away. Seconds later some of the boys grimace and wave their hands in front of their noses. INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS TRACY What‟s wrong, LL? You used to love that joke. FLASHBACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - DAY Tracy and Liz are both laughing, Tracy sincerely and Liz more forced. LIZ Oh Tracy! CLOSEUP: LIZ‟S BUTT Liz lifts one buttcheek off of her chair. CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Tracy and Liz are as we left them.
LIZ Yes, well, times change. Anyway, I need a favor. Danny has some friends coming in from Canada and I would like you to meet them at the airport. TRACY Ah yes, because I am the TGS Foreign Relations Liaison. LIZ What? TRACY You appointed me when those Germans came to buy NBC. FLASHBACK TO: INT. OUTSIDE TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Tracy exits his dressing room and walks quickly down the hallway. TRACY Alright, I‟ll behave myself, but they better not try to put me in a concentration camp. I‟m already very good at-Something catches his eye. Changing directions, he walks toward it. CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Tracy and Liz haven‟t moved. LIZ You remember that? TRACY Of course I remember that! My mind is like a steel trap! What were we talking about?
LIZ Their flight gets in at 3:15, so you need to be there by 3:30. TRACY You can count on me, Liz Lemon. It‟ll be like “Driving Miss Daisy”, except with a black guy. LIZ Morgan Freeman is black, Tracy. Tracy laughs. TRACY No he‟s not. Have you heard his artic-a-lation? INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack holds open the door to his office. JONATHAN enters and Jack closes the door. There is still a pile of wood on the floor. JACK Thank you for coming Jonathan, I know you‟re on lunch. JONATHAN That‟s okay sir. My mother says I need to lose weight. Besides, I would follow you to the ends of the Earth. JACK (to himself) Unfortunately, you‟d also follow me back. JONATHAN What was that, sir? JACK Nothing. You have some woodworking experience, correct?
JONATHAN Yes sir. I used to be a lumberjack. FLASHBACK TO: EXT. FOREST - DAY Jonathan is in the woods with a chainsaw, wearing flannel and blue jeans and sporting a full beard. He saws through a large pine tree. We hear it fall, followed by car alarms, metal and glassed being destroyed, and an explosion or two. Horrified, Jonathan whips out his cell phone and dials. JONATHAN Mr. Leno? Remember that favor you owe me? CUT BACK TO: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack and Jonathan are as we left them. Jack gestures to the wood pile. JACK Excellent. I need this crib assembled by seven. JONATHAN No problem sir. It will be my finest work since your birthday present. ...Where is that, by the way? JACK I sold it to the Met. They were very interested in adding it to their...collection. FLASHBACK TO: INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART COAT CHECK - NIGHT A queue leads to a coat check station, where a COAT CHECKER politely waits to help the next patron.
COAT CHECKER May I have your number, please? A PATRON hands her the number, and she retrieves his coat. It is hanging on a marble statue in Jack‟s likeness. Several coats are hanging from the statue, including one from its penis. A coat checker removes that coat, but before what‟s underneath is revealed... CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S CAR - LATER Danny and Tracy are waiting outside the airport. DANNY Thank you again, Tracy. I really appreciate this. TRACY No problem! It is my pleasure, as both a fellow actor, and as the TGS Foreign Relations Liaison. DANNY You‟re really taking that seriously, aren‟t you? TRACY I have to! Can you imagine if Toofer was our Foreign Relations Liaison? FLASHBACK TO: INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - EVENING Toofer is seated at a table with two Brazilian businessmen. TOOFER I hope you enjoy your dinners, gentlemen. The head chef here worked in the White House during the Reagan administration.
BUSINESSMAN #1 (Portuguese, with subtitles) I don‟t see chicken and waffles anywhere on the menu! BUSINESSMAN #2 (Portuguese, with subtitles) When is Kanye West joining us? CUT BACK TO: INT. TRACY‟S CAR - CONTINUOUS Danny and Tracy are still waiting for Danny‟s friends. DANNY I can‟t believe you‟re wearing a tuxedo. TRACY Of course I am, Dan Band! I might be the first American they ever meet. You gotta look sharp to represent this country. Danny laughs. DANNY What‟s with the hat? TRACY (conspiratorially) That‟s so they can‟t take my picture when I run red lights. Danny isn‟t sure what to make of this. TRACY (CONT‟D) Nah, I‟m just kidding! It‟s so Howard Stern can‟t read my thoughts through the radio. Danny is relieved... kind of.
DANNY Oh! ...Well, I hope these guys aren‟t too rowdy for you. They can get a little... rambunctious. TRACY Are you kidding me? I invented that word! You look it up in the dictionary and you gonna find my picture! That‟s because I tape a headshot in there every time I go to the library. At that moment, the back door of Tracy‟s car opens and three large, boisterous Canadians come bounding in. DOUGIE Dann-ay! DANNY Doug-ay! They perform a complicated handshake that they‟ve clearly been honing over many years. DANNY (CONT‟D) Tracy, these are my friends-DOUGIE sits in the back seat. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --Dougie-Dougie waves enthusiastically. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --Gordie-GORDIE is seated next to Dougie and waves even more enthusiastically. DANNY (CONT‟D)(OS) --and Chucky. A Chucky doll sits next to Gordie and laughs evilly. Tracy is terrified.
DANNY (CONT‟D) (explaining) He‟s from Quebec. Tracy accepts this explanation. DOUGIE Alright, let‟s get some music in here, huh!? Dougie reaches into the front seat and turns on the radio. Before Tracy can stop this appalling breach of the social contract, Dougie fiddles with knobs until he hits on a rock station playing a band that sounds a lot like Rush. Tracy is aghast, until... DANNY, DOUGIE, GORDIE (singing) His name‟s Huck Finn, he‟s a man of sin, and he‟s riding a raft down a river of looove! Tracy is horrified at what he has gotten himself into.
ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER THAT AFTERNOON Liz is at her computer. JENNA enters in a huff. JENNA “Foreign Relations Liaison”? LIZ Why yes, I did enjoy going to the movies by myself last night, thank you for asking. JENNA He gets a title and I don‟t? LIZ Jenna, I only gave him that title so he would shut up while the Germans were here. JENNA I don‟t care if he took lessons from Anne Frank-LIZ Too soon... I think. JENNA --if he gets a title, I want one too. Liz thinks about arguing, but it‟s not worth it. LIZ Fine. You can be the... She reaches for a title, but Jenna has one prepared. JENNA High Queen of Youth Outreach.
LIZ Wow, uh... wait, you don‟t even like kids. JENNA Of course I do! Remember that time I helped Honey Boo-Boo make weight? LIZ ...You mean lose weight. JENNA No. LIZ Fine, whatever. Just don‟t let it interfere with the show. JENNA You‟re the boss. She smiles like she just got away with something and leaves. Liz remembers something as soon as Jenna exits. LIZ And you can‟t make anyone-JENNA (addressing the writers) Attention peons! You are now required to call me “Your Majesty”. Jenna exits the writer‟s room affecting a regal air. LIZ Dammit! She calls someone on the phone. LIZ (CONT‟D) (into phone) Pete? Get the spray, she‟s at it again.
She hangs up. INT. OUTSIDE JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack talks on his cell with his feet on Jonathan‟s desk. JACK (into phone) No one can argue what it has to say about friendship and perseverance, but if you read between the lines I think it‟s easy to see that Clifford, the Big Red dog is a love letter to communism. As the person on the other end responds, Jonathan opens the door to Jack‟s office and beckons Jack to come in. Jack nods in acknowledgement and takes his feet off Jonathan‟s desk. JACK (CONT‟D) (into phone) Well thank you very much. Tell you what, I‟ll have my assistant set up a meeting. I‟d love to continue our conversation about the snack qualifications of ants on a log. Take care. He hangs up. JACK (CONT‟D) Is it ready? Jonathan nods excitedly. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jonathan holds open the door and Jack enters. Jack gasps and covers his mouth his hand.
Jonathan has created a masterpiece. The crib has been beautifully assembled, a mobile of twenty dollar bills spins slowly as it hangs above bed, and an ornate sculpture of cherubs flying around a heart is attached to the headboard. “JD + JA” is carved inside the heart. JACK This is beautiful! The heart, the mobile... this is exactly what I want my daughter falling asleep to every night! ...Although you did get Avery‟s initials backwards. Jack turns to Jonathan, who has a broad grin. Jack turns back to the crib -- something is coming together. JACK Jonathan...what‟s your last name? JONATHAN (gleefully) Asuri. Jack sets his jaw. Jonathan picked the wrong day for this. INT. TRACY‟S CAR - AFTERNOON Danny has moved into the back seat, and the karaoke session is still going at full force. Gordie drums on the back of Tracy‟s seat, a breach of conduct that doesn‟t improve Tracy‟s already foul mood. Irritated by his current lot, Tracy looks for someone to share his misery. He sees a businessman in the back of a limo and gives him an expression seeking solidarity. The businessman remains unmoved, and rolls up his tinted window. Tracy is puzzled. He is one of the most-recognized people on Earth, even by old white folk. He is despondent once more.
The limo pulls forward and another one takes its place. The driver of the limo sees Tracy‟s glum look and offers Tracy the sympathy Tracy was hoping for moments ago. It is Tracy‟s turn to give a cold shoulder, and he rolls up the window to block this commoner‟s attempt at bonding. It is then that Tracy looks in the rearview mirror and spots his reflection for the first time: wearing a tuxedo and a black cap in the driver‟s seat of a fine automobile. The Canadians have turned him into a chauffeur. Tracy screams, throws open the door, and runs into 7th Avenue traffic. Danny rolls down the window. DANNY (concered) Tray, what‟s the matter? No response. Danny gets out of the car to chase after his friend. Dougie and Gordie watch their friend leave, then look to the empty driver‟s seat. DOUGIE Alright boys, looks like I‟m driving. Dougie attempts to climb out, but Gordie stops him. GORDIE Wait -- don‟t they drive on the wrong side of the road here? Dougie and Gordie mull this over. EXT. 7TH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS Tracy shuffles down the street huffing and puffing. TRACY I need to have Grizz get some weights--
He takes a labored breath. TRACY (CONT‟D) --and set them on my snack chest so I can‟t open it. Danny catches up to Tracy. DANNY What‟s wrong, buddy? TRACY I used to be treated like a star! But thanks to your friends, I just got shunned! I haven‟t been this disrespected by a Canadian since Alex Trebek refused to answer my questions! FLASHBACK TO: INT. JEOPARDY SET Tracy asks a question at a lit-up Jeopardy podium. TRACY Where is the bathroom? ALEX TREBEK (OS) Sorry, that‟s incorrect. Tracy is joined at the podiums by Bryan Cranston and Kathy Griffin. Bryan and Kathy are doing well, but Tracy is far in the red. CUT BACK TO: EXT. 7TH AVENUE - DAY Tracy‟s eyes grow wide and he runs away from Danny. Danny turns around and sees Gordie and Dougie approaching. GORDIE Where‟s Tracy going?
DANNY You guys scared him off! I told you, they‟re not as boisterous down here. Dougie and Gordie are dismayed, but Dougie soon cheers up. DOUGIE Then we‟ll teach him how to be boisterous! Renewed in purpose, Dougie and Gordie go bounding after Tracy. DANNY No, that‟s not--! Danny chases after his friends. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Jack is at his desk. In one hand is the directions to assemble the crib, in the other is the phone. As he speaks, he turns the directions, trying to make sense of them. JACK (into phone) Do what you will with the other games, but I‟m not sending my daughter to a school without “Duck, Duck, Goose”. It‟s the one vestige of meritocracy left in our educational system. Someone knocks on Jack‟s door. JACK (CONT‟D) Listen, I‟ll have to call you back. Why don‟t you talk to my girl and set up a teleconference? (pause) Yes, Jonathan is a strange name for a girl. He hangs up the phone and opens the door.
KENNETH stands there tentatively eyeing Jonathan, who is bawling at his desk. Kenneth scoots into Jack‟s office, eager to be removed from the awkward situation. Jack closes the door. KENNETH It‟s so warm in here... He turns towards a soft glow in the corner of the room. KENNETH (CONT‟D) (excited) A bonfire? Are y‟all burning heathens!? Jack shuts the door. JACK In a manner of speaking. Jonathan‟s crib has been torn apart, piled up and set on fire. The heart rests on top, wreathed in flame. JACK (CONT‟D) So I was examining your personnel file and I noticed that you had some experience with woodworking. KENNETH Yes sir! I used to build arks with Reverend Gary every summer. JACK Really? I had an uncle who used to make model boats. KENNETH Yes... models... An awkward moment, until Jack gets things back on track. He has purchased another crib and gestures to it. JACK I need this crib put together. He hands Kenneth the instructions.
JACK (CONT‟D) Here are the instructions, don‟t find me until you‟re done. KENNETH Yes sir! ...Will I need to chop down the trees myself? JACK No, the wood is included. KENNETH Oh, good. I don‟t think my teeth are quite up to it these days. Kenneth eagerly sets to his work and Jack heads out to monitor his kingdom. INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER As Jack strolls around, Danny enters in a panic. He sees Jack and rushes to him for help. DANNY Jack, have you seen two large Canadians running around? JACK No... but if I smell any socialism-laced poutine, I‟ll let you know. DANNY (distraught) Ah, dammit... JACK What‟s wrong, Danny? DANNY Tracy picked my friends up from the airport, but they scared him away... I dunno, back home my friends always seemed like they just wanted to be friendly and (MORE)
DANNY (CONT‟D) make sure everyone was having fun, but here they‟re obnoxious and violating everyone‟s personal space. They‟re acting so... JACK Canadian? DANNY (guilty) Yeah. Is it bad of me to say that? JACK Not at all. You‟re just finally realizing that Canadians, like all ethnic groups, fit their stereotype. It‟s an important trait for someone like you to have. DANNY As a Canadian? JACK As a comedian. I‟d never denigrate the struggle of the poor black teenager in the Internet age, because I‟m a rich white baby boomer and it would be unseemly. There is plenty of material available out there if you want to paint a complex, true-to-life portrait of a young man from the projects trying to claw his way up the American socio-economic ladder while staying loyal to his cultural roots. But sometimes, when you‟re doing a comedy show and a character has been monologueing for too long and you need to give the audience a laugh in the next five seconds or you‟ll lose them, sometimes you just have to go with--
Tracy runs in, panicked. Dougie and Gordie chase him from a distance. TRACY Stay away from me! I hate Canada! I hate hockey, I hate cold weather, and I think I hate the Barenaked Ladies but they haven‟t had a mainstream hit since 1998 so it‟s hard to tell. Now stop following me so I can go to a movie and yell at the screen because I don‟t know how to swim! Tracy runs out. Gordie and Dougie, still desperate to get Tracy to like them, run after him. JACK (to himself) God his timing is incredible. (to Danny) Embrace the stereotype, Danny, and use it to your advantage. DANNY Okay...but how? JACK When the time is right, you‟ll know. DANNY Thanks, Jack. Danny runs after his friends. Jack is struck by inspiration. JACK No Danny...thank you. Jack runs out as well. END OF ACT
ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - LATER Liz is reading a magazine. Tracy enters and shuts the door, startling her. LIZ Ham burglar! TRACY I can‟t -- was that one word or two? LIZ What do you want, Tracy? TRACY I can‟t make rehearsal tonight, Liz Lemon. I have to get to Harlem for an open mic night. LIZ Tracy, we have a show tomorrow! TRACY A show that gives me no recognition for the fantastic work I do! I killed last week, and no one even said good job. FLASHBACK TO: INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT Jenna grins from ear to ear, giving a beauty pageant wave to the audience and soaking up their applause. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz is as we left her.
LIZ That was Jenna. Tracy is gone and Jenna stands in his place. As she speaks, her voice is replaced by Tracy‟s. JENNA (VO: Tracy) It was me! LIZ Oh my God! How did you do that? JENNA (VO: Tracy) George Lucas owed me a favor. FLASHBACK TO: INT. LUCASFILM WRITER‟S ROOM - NIGHT GEORGE LUCAS is talking into a telephone. GEORGE LUCAS Uh-huh...uh-huh. And you‟re sure that‟s not racist? Uh-huh. Okay-okay, I gotcha. Uh-huh...thanks Tracy. He hangs up the phone, and then addresses a table of writers: GEORGE LUCAS (CONT‟D) Okay, here‟s what I‟m thinking for Jar Jar Binks-CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZ‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jenna is gone and Tracy is back. Liz is as we left her. TRACY I‟m sick of toiling in obscurity! I‟m a star dammit, and the public needs to remember that. Tracy exits.
LIZ Tell me about it. I have got to get a sitcom deal. She flashes a toothy smile into the camera. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - LATER Jack bursts into his own office. JACK Kenneth! Stop working on that crib! Kenneth is wiping his hands on his sleeves. KENNETH Too late, Mr. Donaghy. She‟s all done. While not as beautiful as Jonathan‟s rendition, Kenneth‟s crib is sturdy and elegant...except for the giant cross sticking out of the headboard. JACK A cross? Kenneth, are you nuts? Do you have any idea what Irish Catholic guilt is like? FLASHBACK TO: EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - MORNING Jack, in a good mood, is in a procession of people entering an ornate Catholic church. He is talking on the phone. JACK (into phone, seductively) Really? Well that sounds delightful. Why don‟t you keep the bed warm and the wine cold and I‟ll see you in two hours? He hangs up and enters the church, smiling. As soon as he crosses the threshold, he drops to his knees.
JACK (CONT‟D) I‟m sorry, Jesus! CUT BACK TO: INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JACK Tear down that cross, Kenneth. KENNETH I don‟t think we‟re allowed to tear down crosses, Mr. Donaghy. If we were, then why didn‟t Jesus use his magic to tear his down when he was stuck on one? JACK Fine. If you won‟t tear it down, then I will! ...get this Mexican I found selling churros out of a cart outside the building to do it. Jack stands to one side. Behind him stands a MEXICAN, who has no idea how to react to this situation or this office. KENNETH Very well. But when you‟re burnin‟ in heck with the people who give hugs good-bye or take more than one free sample, don‟t come cryin‟ to me. He leaves haughtily. INT. TGS STAGE The cast is rehearsing a sketch while Liz watches. Jenna is dressed as Mary Poppins and Danny is dressed as a penguin. Dougie and Gordie sit in the audience and look absolutely miserable. Pete approaches Liz.
PETE Doesn‟t Tracy play the talking umbrella in this sketch? LIZ No, he‟s apparently playing the pain-in-the-ass actor who needed an evening to feel sorry for himself. PETE (taken aback) Wow. ...Is that sketch before the first commercial, or after? LIZ (frustrated) He‟s in Harlem, you jag! He was feeling sorry about his Q Score so he decided to hit up an openmic night instead. Gordie, Dougie, and Danny all hear this. Gordie and Dougie perk up while Danny‟s face falls. Gordie and Dougie rush out of the stage, and Danny chases after them. LIZ (CONT‟D) Great, now you‟re bailing too. You‟d better take off that penguin suit! It‟s a sign of aggression in Chelsea! She makes a frustrated noise. PETE Wow, two guys leaving you in one day... that can‟t feel good. LIZ (sighs) Eh, you get used to it. Jenna moves to the front of the stage. She claps her hands to get the audience‟s attention before addressing them.
JENNA Okay subjects, listen up. While rehearsal is postponed, I‟m going to give you a sneak-peek into my one-woman show chronicling my rise to stardom! The audience--comprised entirely of Tracy‟s Harlem Boys‟ Choir--groans collectively. INT. HARLEM COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT Tracy is onstage. He is in front of a full house, and he is bombing, hard. TRACY Did you guys see me in “Who Dat Ninja”? How about “Fat Bitch”? I was really funny in that, right? The crowd is silent. TRACY (CONT‟D) Or how „bout my role in “The Artist”? FLASHBACK TO: A mimic of an old black-and-white movie reel is playing, a la “The Artist”. Tracy is the star of this scene, and he mouths the words “If I swear, but nobody can hear me, do I still get in trouble?” Those words are displayed for several frames before the film cuts back to Tracy, who is glancing shiftily about as he waits for an answer to his question. When no answer comes, he starts saying a word: “f--“ CUT BACK TO: INT. HARLEM COMEDY CLUB - CONTINUOUS Tracy is still bombing.
TRACY Why aren‟t you laughing? I‟m a movie star, dammit, I don‟t have to work to be funny! The crowd starts booing. Dougie and Gordie enter the theater with Danny right behind them. All three are shocked at the scene taking place. The crowd is now throwing things at Tracy, who halfheartedly tries to dodge them. TRACY (CONT‟D) I‟m famous! I‟m famous!! Wanting to stop this madness, Danny comes up with an idea. He waves to get Tracy‟s attention. Tracy, desperate for help, looks at Danny, who points at Gordie and Dougie. Tracy is unsure this will work, but Danny nods his head. TRACY (CONT‟D) (tentatively) You guys know why Canadians like hockey so much? The crowd goes silent. TRACY (CONT‟D) Because the puck is the blackest thing on the ice. No one laughs--except Dougie and Gordie, who are in stitches. DOUGIE That‟s funny! GORDIE There aren‟t many black hockey players! Light laughter from the crowd.
TRACY And why are they so nice? It‟s like they don‟t want the United States to know we have a serial killer living upstairs. More laughter from the crowd. GORDIE It‟s true! DOUGIE We are way too nice! TRACY What‟s with that accent? No, I don‟t know what you‟re talking “aboot”. The crowd loves it, but Gordie and Dougie are nonplussed. DOUGIE Huh...I don‟t get that one. GORDIE Yeah, I‟m not sure what everyone‟s laughing aboot. A beat. They shrug and start laughing again. The crowd is standing and cheering, and Tracy is lapping it up. He finds Danny and gives him a point. Danny responds with a double thumbs-up. Tracy soaks up the applause a bit more before giving the crowd one final shot. TRACY And why do they drive on the wrong side of the road? Another home run. Tracy takes a bow, while Danny cheers for his friend.
INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - NIGHT As Liz enters Jack‟s office, the Mexican churro salesman exits, testing a 5-dollar bill for authenticity. Liz raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. Jack is on the phone. JACK (into phone) Well thank you. Liddy‟s champing at the bit to start school. That or she‟s teething, but either way it‟s a very exciting time. Okay, take care. He hangs up. JACK (CONT‟D) Don‟t you have a rehearsal? LIZ I did, until Tracy and Danny took off. Now Jenna‟s in there tormenting the youth of tomorrow. INT. TGS STAGE - CONTINUOUS Jenna, still in her Mary Poppins costume, is in the middle of her one-woman show. JENNA And that‟s I how I got the role of Choking Victim #1 in Episode 1912 of Law and Order: FoodRelated Incidents, which I will reenact for you now. INT. JACK‟S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz and Jack are as we left them. LIZ So I thought I‟d head home and -wait, how the hell did I get here? That elevator was going down...
JACK Relax, Lemon. I want to show you something. He shows her the crib. LIZ Oh my God... it‟s beautiful. Did you finally debase yourself by working with your hands? JACK Nope. Cheap Mexican labor did. There‟s a reason they‟re taking our jobs, Lemon, they do damn fine work. I‟m starting to regret a few things I said in Arizona this summer. LIZ Well, I‟m glad your daughter will be attending Princeton preschool. Now if you‟ll excuse me, some of us in the unwashed masses need to figure out how to fit two rehearsals into three hours. She heads for the door. JACK Don‟t worry Lemon. Everything will seem fine once you‟re sitting on your couch eating a chicken parm Lean Pocket and watching a Tivo‟ed episode of Chopped. LIZ (frustrated) One time I am going to spend an evening doing something you‟ll never be able to guess. JACK No you won‟t, Lemon. Stereotypes never lie.
Exhausted and defeated, Liz leaves. Jack pours himself a highball and stares into the aether. He takes a drink. JACK (CONT‟D) (to himself) Stereotypes never lie. FADE OUT. JACK (CONT‟D) (VO) Unless you‟re Muslim. END OF ACT
TAG FADE IN INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT The boys in the audience are bored to tears as Jenna is still performing her one-woman show in the background. One of the boys, MORRIS, is pressing buttons on his phone. He notices something on his phone and perks up. MORRIS Hey, guys! Several of the nearby boys--DESEAN, TERRELL, and a few others--gather around. MORRIS (CONT‟D) I just found out that Jennifer Aniston is looking to adopt! DESEAN The Jennifer Aniston!? TERRELL As in Rachel from “Friends”!? MORRIS Yeah! They look at each other excitedly. DESEAN Let‟s go, guys! The group of boys bounds off, revitalized by hope. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW
