Bipolar

5 Things About Being Bipolar
1. Mania feels freaking amazing.
You feel like you can conquer the world, you hae endless energy, and you fear nothing.
You!re like the bionic "an# stronger, faster, s"arter. Thoughts go through your "ind at a "illion
"iles per hour and you!re co"pletely capable of following eery train of thought you hae. Your
libido is in oerdrie, you!re confident $een cocky%, you feel like you hae all the luck in the world,
you don!t need food, you don!t need sleep... all you need is a rush. And that!s when things can go
bad.
&hen your "anic, you don!t think about the future. At all. You think about the here and
now, and de"and instant gratification. You!ll also act on any i"pulse you get, whether it be haing
a gangbang, ga"bling away your life saings, or going 1'( "ph down the highway in the wrong
lane. At that "o"ent, that!s all you care about, and you don!t think at all about the repercussions
of your actions. You could be working the sa"e )ob for years and like it, go "anic, and decide it!s
boring so you quit showing up. *r be in a happy, stable relationship and suddenly decide you!re
bored. You "ake rash decisions, but at the "o"ent, that!s what you want, so you do it.
+en "ore dangerous, though, is when so"e people go "anic and go into psychotic
episodes. They start to hallucinate and then all sorts of cray cray ensues. They "ight be going to
the store for so"e "ilk, decide eeryone in there is an alien fro" They ,ie, and co"e back with
an A-.15 and so"e Molotos. *r they "ight hear a oice in their head, decide they!re
co""unicating with so"e otherworldy being, and begin to do whateer the oice says. Mania
"akes people "ore aggressie )ust because that!s what "ania does, but while so"eone "anic
"ight beat the hell out of a person looking at the" strangely, so"eone psychotic is ery likely to
kill the".
/!e neer gone into full psychosis, but last ti"e / went full.blown "anic, it al"ost ruined
"y life. / was "anic for about a span of 0 "onths or so, and by "y standards, went batshit. /
du"ped "y boyfriend of 1 years, started doing a crapload of drugs, seduced and slept with
eeryone / decided was se2y een if / was dating so"eone else, lost 1(( lbs fro" constantly
being on the run and playing 33- for hours on end, barely ate, barely slept, blew all of "y
saings and racked up a huge a"ount of credit card debt on really stupid shit $like buying 45((
worth of ca"o fro" an ar"y surplus store%, and long story short, ended up liing in a two.
bedroo" dope house in the "iddle of the ghetto with no heat or hot water along with 6 other drug
addicts. /f / wasn!t drunk / was high, if / wasn!t high, / was fucking so"eone. 7ow / "anaged to
get by without catching so"e godawful 8T3 is beyond "e, but /!" grateful / didn!t. / also didn!t
use any birth control, so in hindsight, it wouldn!t surprise "e at all if the few "onths / had really
bad periods, / was actually haing a "iscarriage. / did all sorts of cra9y shit, fro" walking around
the city dressed like a hooker by "yself in the "iddle of the night to breaking into ce"etaries and
haing picnics. / was s"art, se2y, confident, and knew how to "anipulate people to get what /
wanted, so that!s what / did, including sleeping with three different bosses to keep "y )ob, een
though / didn!t show up half the ti"e and the other half, / was ' or 1 hours late. / felt like the world
was "ine for the taking. But there!s a flip side to that.
'. 3epression feels freaking awful.
:linical depression in it!s own right is horrible enough, but when your brain is all sorts of
fucked up thanks to bipolar, it!s truly crushing. You withdrawal and think about all of the horrible
things you!e done while you were "anic, question if anyone really cares about you at all or if
you!re )ust a burden, feel like you!re absolutely worthless... useless.... a waste of space.... that the
world would be better off without you because all you do is fuck eerything up. You think about
how broke you are thanks to your spending sprees, how "any people you!e hurt when you
decided they weren!t interesting enough and left the" or cheated on the", how "uch you really
did like that )ob you had before you quit, and wonder if any of it is worth it at all. The only escape
you hae is sleep, but then people tell you that you!re la9y, so then you add ;la9y; onto eerything
else that!s wrong with you. You can!t talk to anybody because they!ll )ust say you!re looking for
attention or that it!s not a big deal.... or "aybe they!e forgotten you all together. After all, you!re
no use to the" any"ore. 8o you "ight as well sae the" the trouble of putting up with you and
)ust kill yourself.
That!s basically the stuff that goes through your head when you!re haing a depressie
episode. The world is a dark, silent place and it feels like you can!t find co"fort or solace
anywhere. You lose interest in the things you like, you don!t hae energy to do anything, and all
you want to do is sleep because it!s the only ti"e you don!t hae awful thoughts going through
your head. You!re hypersensitie and start crying at the drop of a hat, "ight hae so"e really bad
an2iety or panic attacks, and eery single bad thing you!e eer done )ust floods back to you.
<eople that are bipolar hae the highest risk of suicide out of all people, especially if they happen
to be haing a "i2ed episode $which is pretty rare... it!s basically when you hae the "entality of
depression with the physical energy of "ania%.
&hen /!" in a depressie phase, / hae the oerwhel"ing urge to cut. / haen!t done it in
about = years now, but it!s so"ething /!e struggled with. The whole reason behind it is that
cutting releases endorphins so it literally dulls the e"otional pain you!re feeling while getting you
high and it also gies you so"ething tangible to control when your "ind is in total chaos. After the
afore"entioned "anic episode, / shot deep into depression, and it was fucking bad. / woke up
one "orning on the floor of the ghetto house and / caught "y reflection in a dusty "irror. / )ust sat
there for a while and looked at it when / reali9ed / beca"e eerything /!e always hated, and in
turn that / hated "yself. / sliced up "y entire body when / was awake and the rest of the ti"e, /
)ust slept, because when / was awake, /!d think about killing "yself to sae "y fa"ily fro" the
sha"e / undoubtedly put the" through. +entually through the coa2ing of the "an who would
later beco"e the loe of "y life and the father of "y child, / went ho"e, apologi9ed to "y parents
for all the horrible things / did when / was "anic, "oed back in, got clean, sober, and back on
psych "eds.
1. Bipolar people quit taking their "eds quite often.
/ was diagnosed as bipolar when / was 15, and /!e been on and off of "y psych "eds
"ore ti"es than / can count. Besides the psychiatrists playing "i2.and."atch for years to figure
out what would work, getting blood drawn at least once a "onth to check for ;theraputic leels,;
and the annoyances of haing to take "eds all the ti"e, it "akes "e feel blunted. Bipolar people
feel e"otions ery intensely and when they!re on psych "eds, eerything see"s to be less
ibrant, less intense. Most will keep taking their antidepressants to keep the depressie stage in
check and to help with any latent an2iety, but they!ll quit taking their "ood stabili9ers or
antipsychotics, which are what keep people fro" going "anic or hypo"anic.
There are actually 5 stages to Bipolar 3isorder, and there are 1 types of seerity, ranging
fro" Bipolar / which is the "ost seere, to Bipolar :yclothy"ic. The stages are depressed,
nor"al, hypo"anic, and "anic, and depending on the type of Bipolar 3isorder, so"e people will
neer e2perience full.blown "ania or full.blown depression, but pretty "uch eeryone
e2periences hypo"ania, which is probably the best stage eer. You hae all of the energy of
"ania, but you still think rationally. You!re creatie, productie, and )ust all.around feel good. The
easiest way to e2plain it to so"eone without Bipolar is that it!s like being on your absoultely best
day for days>weeks>"onths on end. You feel great? / won!t lie# if / could stay in a hypo"anic stage
all the ti"e, / totally would, and a lot of the ti"es / quit taking "y "eds was because / was hoping
/!d go hypo"anic and stay that way.
Another reason why people quit taking their "eds is because if you don!t hae insurance,
it can literally be i"possible to get psychiatric help unless you!re lucky enough to lie close to a
place with a sliding scale. +en then, the cost of the "eds alone is outrageous. At the "o"ent,
"y doctor is trying to get an agree"ent with a drug co"pany so / can get "y psych "eds without
the" costing "e 450( a "onth $which is literally "y "onthly inco"e before ta2es, and that!s for
generics%. Two of the "ost seere psychaitric disorders are Bipolar 3isorder and 8chi9ophrenia,
and those )ust happen to be the people who both struggle to afford their "eds and absolutely
despise taking the", anyway.
/ will say, though, that the "ost recent ti"e / quit taking "y "eds was because / couldn!t
afford a doctor to get the", and it landed "e in the psych ward for a week. &e tend to lose our
shit pretty quickly if we go off our "eds with no warning. @or "e, / shot into a "i2ed episode and
beca"e coninced that any food / ate would "ake "e go into anaphyla2is, so / refused to eat for
1( straight days before "y friends coninced "e to get help before they had "e co""itted.