Chris Chan
Content
Ladies and gentlemen, gal-pals and Jerkops, and dudes of all teenages.
Behold, the mistake of God: Christian Weston Chandler.
Born February 24, 1982, Christian is a naïve, perverse, autistic, overweight, raci
st, pedophilic, homophobic, self-proclaimed aspie virgin and creator of his own
skillfully-drawn series of comics starring Sonichu - his supremely insightful cr
ossover of Pikachu and Sonic. As well as "suffering" from autism, Chris also suf
fers from a terminal case of unwarranted self-importance, the only cure for whic
h would be to remove his head from his consequently gaping ass. At the time of t
his writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.
Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC, クリスちゃん, Mexican Weston Chandler, Ricardo, Ian
on Anderson, Ian Brannon Something, The Impostor, Sammy, or any other lulzy name
s trolls can make up for him, which will make him throw a tantrum.
The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence
, is that he wears a medallion made out of crayola FUCKIN' MODEL MAGIC and acryl
ic paint at all times in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. In public. As if t
hat weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has a shitload of medallions: The b
lachu, and the "Rosechu" medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart
), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Which, of course,
he does, because who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day colorin
g-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?
Christian's hobbies once included creating My Little Pony figures, including him
self as a pony wearing a Sonichu medallion, stalking women at the mall, finding
a "boyfriend-free girl" to "make into a Sweetheart from the ground-up", drawing
(and actually uploading) pictures of himself having sex with multiple, racially
diverse women, drawing porn of his hedgehogs, taking naked pictures of himself,
and sexing up a blow-up doll named JULAY (which was originally sold as "Kimmi").
Now all he does is play PS3 all day and stuff fast food down his throat.
He also got into big trouble when his father walked in on him while he was mastu
rbating. Chris really needs to grow up and sell his toys on eBay. However, no on
e will buy his shit, so a girlfriend-free faggot he remains forever more, much l
ike his older brother from Liverpool.
But it gets far worse, readers...
IRL Creepiness
On MySpace, Chris posted his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl" and his stalking
tendencies. Unfortunately for him, every woman on the planet appears to have a b
oyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs "noviophobia" — in Chris's bastardized h
ighschool Spanish interpretation, he inserts "novio" which essentially means boy
friend, before the Greek root phobia, committing a facepalm-worthy portmanteau t
hat is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the wo
rld, Chris has a paralyzing fear of boyfriends. Chris claims to hate every male
besides himself and his father, because they "took all the pretty girls leaving
[him] with no one to choose from".Where did it start? I started when my life-lon
g friend, Sarah Hammer, a very pretty girl, was taken away from me by this Magic
ian Jerk, Wes Iseli. At first, I was naive about their relationship. Later on, i
n spring of 2003, I tried to pick up a girl in a class I was taking at Piedmont
Virginia Community College, but she told me right-off, that SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND!
And it was like that with every other girl who I talked to since then. Thus, I
developed my Noviophobia(mentioned above).As you've probably seen from the pictu
res above Chris is a fat sack of shit but shockingly he didn't always have man t
its; only after turning eighteen did he start gaining weight.
Chris's exercise
For years, he hasn't had any real exercise (aside from screaming). As a result,
he has pencil thin legs and scrawny arms. Fun fact: A video he made trying the s
how he can do pull ups shows him struggling to do one. Chris also makes things s
eem much heavier than they actually are, saying that a box of twelve cans is 50
pounds and he also said his dog house had to of weighed 5-10 tons. Either Chris
is terrible at math or that dog house was filled with lead bricks.
Chris in denial
Chris generally believes he is "fit as a fiddle". When confronted by Matt in the
infamous "Father Call" about his obesity Chris simply said "I could be healthie
r". In the same call he gets mad at Matt for saying he was lazy. Matt then point
ed out that Chris is ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD, DOES NOT HAVE A JOB, AND LIVES WITH HI
S PARENTS. Chris responded saying he does work around his house, which is comple
te bullshit as seen in his house tour.
Upon discovering this article on the 10th of November, Chris suffered a severe c
ase of butthurt and declared war on every site mocking his Truth and Honesty. As
with everything in his life, Chris fucked up.
At first, Chris tried tampering with this article while logged in as Reldnahc wh
ich is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) spelled backwards. Before erasing th
e entire article, Chris actually contributed by adding information that he hadn’t
submitted anywhere else. Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited
sources which included how Megan “shattered his heart”, and printouts of the Sonichu
News Dash: a shitty newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at PVC
C that landed him in another apparent conflict with Mary Lee Walsh.
To make matters worse, he also uploaded Rule 34 of his own characters.
Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he snapped. He c
reated another account and tried blanking the page several times.
CWC blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for breaking up the relationship between him a
nd Megan despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend. Just another lying
attempt to make ED feel troll s remorse.
In this video, Chris congratulated all his non-existent Sonichu fans whom he mis
takenly believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED whil
e failing to realize that ED s downtime was due to an issue related to the websi
te as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.
Chris s plea for his fans to not donate to ED flopped because the only people wh
o pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its dona
tion goal on August 14, 2008.
CWC vs. ED Parte Deux
Last Thursday, Chrissy posted a video onto the tubes declaring yet another war a
gainst his ED page, demanding that the page and discussion page be deleted, or e
lse he wouldn t be making any more of his sweet, sweet comics for his fans to en
joy. He then stated that much like the old adage: "Too many cooks spoil the brot
h", ED had too many CROOKS. And that "every single word on his ED page was a cro
ok".
After standing in an anime pose with his fist in the air, Chris then hulked the
fuck out and proceeded to beat the shit out of a Raggedy Ann doll with a picture
of Clyde Cash taped to its face, and that more RAAAAAAAGE would follow if his E
D page wasn t taken down posthaste.
The beast can be unleashed here.
CWCville
CWCville (Pronounced: Quick-ville) is Chris-chan s imaginary world. Considering
how it s portrayed, its full name could be the Our Glorious Leader s True and Ho
nest Lovers City of CWCville, in a way similar to the Democratic People s Repub
lic of Korea.
CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the Sonichu comic, and
Chris s long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an ima
ginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It s sor
t of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted
Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it s a disturbingly cheerful pla
ce where Chris s bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and fuck for his amusement exac
tly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the
wayside just as quickly; nobody s quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing C
hris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below
the Mayor s house.
In the Sonichu comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of V
irginia, but being a figment of Chris Chan s imagination, it will never be found
on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and eco
nomically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city,
Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will an
d dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.
Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city of "Priv
ate Villa of Corrupted Citizens." It is under constant attack from the evil forc
es of Dean Mary Lee Walsh and her army of Jerkops.
After seeing a hilarious episode of Family Guy, where Chris-chan didn t get that
he was being parodied for his moralfaggotry, he decided to share his hatred of
the gays with the Holy Bible. To do this, he quoted the book of Leviticus, which
is the biblical equivalent of goatse, which reinforces how men should not engag
e in buttsecks lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be raped by the Devil
and his minions for eternity (and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear wit
h elastic straps, or crossbreed animals). Chris obviously didn t get the joke fr
om the funny episode. He didn t realize that the character Stewie is just like h
im in one sense; they are both closet cases.
“
I m not saying I m dumb...or naive.
„
—Chris, in the process of being both.
Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89% percent of
the users trolling Chris-chan are Muslims. In another blow to Chris s moral cre
dibility, he also decided to pick up a book on how to talk to the opposite sex..
.written by a 9-year-old boy. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his
age, party vans descending on Ruckersville are imminent.
So, in other words: ChrisChan, the most obvious closetcase in all of Virginia, s
till thinks he is a glorious crusader against the filthy, filthy homos and their
filthy, filthy ways, while accidentally being a dang pedofork.
Chris and His Ego
If this were true, humanity would be long gone
Chris s ego, the only thing larger than his cum-guzzling belly
There are many examples of Chris huge ego, which is astronomically big, seen th
roughout his comics, his actions IRL, and in his videos. His extreme narcissism
is most likely a cover-up for his micropenis. Here are just a few examples of hi
s self-delusion at work:
Chris thought his birthday should be celebrated nation-wide.
Before Chris got banned from The GAMe PLACe he would lug in his PS3 and plug it
into the flat screen and use it for hours (probably watching gay porn). He woul
d also sing to Britney Spears songs. Finally, the owner had enough of his shit a
fter Chris screamed at a black kid and promptly kicked his ass out. Chris attemp
ted to get unbanned with many cunning and well-planned tricks (getting his paren
ts to try to change the owner s mind) but all failed.
Chris thinking he is a good person
Chris thinks he has over 9000 fans when in actuality he probably has 3 at the m
ost; the rest are trolls.
Sex Life
Chris wrote to Nintendo Power in April of 2005 to discuss the DS game Sprung: A
horrible dating simulator, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his
email. According to him, it was a "free personal", and he expects that it being
published will somehow increase his chance of finding a woman
Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat over there, Chris.
Stoopid child porn laws...
His "sex life" - if you could even call it that - includes, among other strange
phenomena, fucking an anime blow-up doll and screaming "JULAAAY!" at the top of
his lungs.
“
But anyway as I was saying you know, just as you know, when you masturbate, you
don t have to use your fingers, you could like, uh, find something that s like,
you could use like a banana, or a pickle, I mean, it would be a waste of a fruit
, but if you used a banana, you could still eat the insides.
„
—Chris-chan, on sticking things up his butthole.
In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly ra
mbling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is not
gay, being that he owns a dildo and anal beads and rambles on about sticking thi
ngs in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he
lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loat
hing flaming faggot trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know ho
mophobes are closeted gays themselves.
Chris appears to be stuck in a strange, child-like mentality where he feels guil
ty when discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, li
ke "pickle" and "duck" for dick, "hanky-panky" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for sin
gle, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 200
6, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically Megan and a recent tr
oll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan
claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex, Chris goes into full det
ail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from porn
ography.
In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris s sexuality. Na
mely, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "Thi
s might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings
has him describing his ideal "first time", which is intricate, overly dramatic
and mildly retarded. This and many other disturbing things can be read here.
His return
chris-chan has evolved into fabio, you know you want him.
Chris returned to the internet in 10/18/2013 showing off his lego skills in a Mc
Donald s, as his house is too filthy to stand as a backdrop. It s noticed that c
hris looks more of a faggot than ever.
January 10th, 2014: House fire
In the early days of 2014, 14 Branchland Court was burnt down by a fire sparked
by a plugging a coffee brewer into a bathroom outlet at 3 AM and leaving it unat
tended, heating the hoard to its flashpoint. The entire property, along with all
of Chris s earthly possessions were destroyed. It begs the question why Chris w
as brewing coffee at 3 in the morning, although likely reasons would be due to h
is "biological clock", or that Chris is obviously trying to commit fraud and sue
the coffee maker Keurig, or perhaps that Chris likes a nice warm cup of hot jav
a after taking a shit in the middle of the night. One fire fighter was seriously
injured - probably because Chris kept going back inside to find his Sonichu med
allion.The End of Sonichu?
In the middle of 2010, Chris announced he was done with Sonichu forevers because
the "trolls drained him of creativity." This is odd, because Chris had no creat
ivity to begin with. In reality, he just didn t care about drawing comics anymor
e. Many retards pine for the days of old-school Chris trolling, where he d get h
is bloated ass kicked out of malls, but the thing is is that Chris is so lazy an
d drawing comics don t reward him with PSN trophies. His mother also told him to
quit drawing the comics of him battling McDonald s managers.
August 30th 2010: PS3 Destruction
Three leaked videos (MovingFoward, MovingFurtherFoward, 100_2209.MOV) have appea
red on the internets regarding his "Life Upgrade" (aka his PS3). He accidentally
DELETED FUCKING EVERYTHING on his PS3 Harddrive, 2 days after that he beat the
shit out of it with an edging stone, then stabbed it with scisors then ran over
it with his car. It was discovered shortly after that the manchild was trolled (
again),according to some leaked emails, he thought that if he destroyed his PS3,
he would receive $9,001. Obviously he didn t think through this idea at all. He
destroyed nearly $5,000 in his autism and never received the reward that he d h
oped for (no shit).He tried to make people think that he wanted to destroy it, t
o change his life and stop playing video games.
Sadly, this new direction in his life didn t last. He immediately went into with
drawal and spent his welfare money on a NEW PS3.
September 6th 2010
Chrissy posted a new video on Sept 6th, which can be viewed here. In it he infor
ms us he is very much not dead, and in fact alive, healthy and well. He also not
ifies us that he hasn t dug up Patti. Even if that is true, poor Patti will no d
oubt be dug up from under his porch sometime soon, as Chris cannot sleep at nigh
t knowing there is an animal corpse nearby he hasn t violated. He then rambles i
ncoherently about how the trolls blow smoke, NO ONE IS GONNA LISTEN TO IT ANY MO
RE!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!. But hey, guess what? He is gonna regain control of his life
and ignore the trolls, so they can t play with him any more. His final message?
Haters gonna hate, plus an awesome string twirl.
Really, Really Gross Videos
Recent Chris-chan convert, Chris Brown.
Chris drinks his jizz for Ivy! (Bon appetit!)
Spank dat ass!
Chrissy in the shower! (Filmed on location at Jigsaws place.)
Chris goes insane nude
Chris makes love to his video game console!
Chris reveals his feminine side!
2010 Endeavors
Chris trying to look sexy for his school reunion.
BRILLIANT!
As of August 27, 2010, Chris is butthurt that his class of 2000 has yet to have
a reunion, because at prom a movie said "See you in 10 years". Chris believes th
e school by law has to host a reunion. Most likely his class has seen his videos
and has had the reunion and not invited his fat ass, or thought he was dead. It
also appears he may be balding.
Chris decided to tape a video tour of Ruckersville. Here he shows the highlights
and favorite places of the town(big surprise, McDonalds and Burger King are a c
ouple of the stops on the tour!)
Chris has stepped up his war against trolls with a new masterpiece.
He advises people to turn them in at their work place and DEMANDS THEY BE FIRED!
Or turn them in to the police. He mentions that God will smite the trolls.
As of November 22, it appears Chris has again gotten butthurt at not having frie
nds on FriendFace and has quit the internet forever. Time will tell.
Numerous other highly-functioning autists on YouTube have taken a vociferous dis
like towards our beloved manbaby, seeing in him a dark reflection of their own f
ailings and faggotry. Realizing that they have frighteningly more in common with
Chris-Chan than they d like to admit and not wanting to feel the big thorny coc
k of the trolls pressing up against their own virgin lolcow assholes, these sper
gbuckets fall over one another in their attempts to distance themselves from the
esteemed mayor of Cwcville, making shitty rant videos about Chris-chan and how
much better than him they are, claiming that he is giving autism a bad name.
Of course, this is something of a logical fallacy which their stunted autistic m
inds are unable to grasp, as Chris-chan s behaviour in no way affects them and t
heir behaviour, they cannot use Chris as a scapegoat or an excuse for their own
faggotry.
PROTIP: If you are reading this article right now and feel the urge to make a Yo
uTube rant about Chris-chan, please, take ED s advice and DON T.
Death of a Lumberjack
On September 06, 2011, Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., Chris father and Internet
Lumberjack, died and went to that Great Klan Rally in the Sky.
Chris-chan goes to jail
Chris and his mom have been arrested and might go to prison. He has been charged
with assault and trespassing at the GAMe PLACe. On top of that, Barbara attempt
ed to run Michael Snyder over in the parking lot (the second time this has happe
ned), before driving off, landing them with a hit and run charge as well. Howeve
r, they were soon pulled over. When officers arrested Chris, Barbara attempted t
o defend her precious child and was subsequently charged with assaulting an offi
cer.
Chris attempted to have charges dropped in court on 7 November. Although he appa
rently kept his mouth shut and didn t sperg out, he still got no mercy from the
Prosecuting Attorneys. Not a single charge was dropped. We have no idea if he p
led "Nolo Contendre","Guilty", "Not Guilty due to Insanity" or "Shut Up, Judge!!
!"
Turns out our hero, Michael Snyder has indeed called for a civil trial against b
oth Christard and Snorlax.
Chris returned to court on 15 December but fuck all happened; apparently he whin
ed to the judge that he d only just gotten a lawyer and needed moar time to prep
are, and got a delay until 5th January. He brought his 3DS with him and anons fr
om /cwc/ attending the hearing were able to obtain his StreetPass Mii. Even that
s a fucking tomgirl. On January 5th, he got yet another postponement, so he cou
ld finish levelling up some pokeymans in his game instead of going directly to j
ail. His next hearing is set for April 5th 2012.
Based on their charges, each of them can potentially face a minimum sentence of
one year and a maximum sentence of ten years.
The only way his “get-out-of-jail-for-free-card” could work to somewhat to his advan
tage would be due to this incident reeking of autistic fuck up and the court wou
ld find him incapable of functioning as a normal adult and therefore not respons
ible for his actions and would then commit him to a mental health facility, like
ly for most of his remaining adult life. As for Barbara, if the court found her
guilty it is likely the 70 year wouldn t survive her prison sentence.
Here s Christard s Version, Straight from the Horses Ass
Chris tard Enabler Unveils the Horror that is Chez Chandler
Chris s Pastoral Councillor Rocky "Bullwinkle" Shoemaker revealed details of the
Chandlers living conditions to a suave, British troll named "Doctor Perron" (wh
o turns out to be notorious Fundie Creatard Troll "Chris the Hacker".). Apparent
ly, Not only is the Chandler residence a rubbish heap of hoarded junk...it is al
so suffering an undefined "infestation problem" and that "bug bites" are part of
the reason the Great Lumberjack went off to that sawmill in the sky. He was eve
n under quarantine immediately before his death.
Update, April 5th 2012
Although the charges for Trespassing and Assault have been dropped, The Court st
ill wants to nail Chris tard and Snorlax to the wall for the Hit-and-Run and hit
ting a cop. It s going to the Grand Jury!
That looks a sturdy, unbiased crowd. Justice is sure to come from them.
Also, Snyder v. Chandler is going ahead full steam. The judge in that case wants
to play Kick the Autistic.
Update, Julay 10th 2012
Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty
Chris-Chan s Virginity: Lost?
Not bloody likely.
On April 12th, 2012, the PVCC troll group posted a flurry of fake screenshots. T
hey were of a (now?) nonexistent Facebook posting supposedly from the Chris tard
boasting of him sticking his bent duck into sum poontang (which has already bee
n proven physically impossible unless the hooker was a hambeast, and then... giv
ing a gift basket to the prostitute.
“
Oh, I forgot to mention, she Really Enjoyed my dick; it was soo big and good, th
at it put the last dude she was with to shame; Her Words.
„
—Some troll pretending to be Chris.
A lot of Anons could tell it was a shoop because of both the pixels and the Ubun
tu font, but they still squee d with glee, hoping to be proven wrong by a smug C
hris tard posting a hilarious and horrifying video. Soon, the members of the CWC
ki forum began showing off their own shoop skills by editing HTML in Chrome s el
ement inspector to make their own fake Chris "Facebook Updates"
Chris losing his virginity is the latest lie to come from the Tard himself. We
all know that he is doing this for pre-prison raep attention, and this really di
dn t happen. At best, he broke down and spent the money on a crackwhore with rea
aaallly low standards. At worst, he is completely gone around the bend, and hasn
t noticed he has been making love to a over-lubricated tennis shoe he stole fro
m his mom. Also note that on the slim off-chance that his claim turns out be tru
e, Mr. Chandler has committed another crime, since the solicitation of prostitut
ion is illegal in Virginia.
Call up the Chandler house today, and tell him porking a blow-up doll doesn t co
unt!
“
Protip: They re all fake. Also I think a CWCki forums member made that one you j
ust posted, people are probably having an edit war because they re annoyed that
the admins have overruled everyone and are offended by the fact that people want
evidence.
„
—-- Osfos, a disgruntled Christorian
“
Either Chris lied or lost his virginity to a hooker. Neither are things worth br
agging about.
„
—--FarmZombie sums up this whole sad excuse for a saga
Yes, folks...that s what Chris has been reduced to. You d think that if he knew
he was about to go to jail, he d nut up and do something interesting, but no....
Chris will go out with a whimper, without even getting to bang.
Just kidding, everyone knows no one will take money to be pounced on by a fat "h
ighly-functioning" asspie.
His return
chris-chan has evolved into fabio, you know you want him.
Chris returned to the internet in 10/18/2013 showing off his lego skills in a Mc
Donald s, as his house is too filthy to stand as a backdrop. It s noticed that c
hris looks more of a faggot than ever.
January 10th, 2014: House fire
In the early days of 2014, 14 Branchland Court was burnt down by a fire sparked
by a plugging a coffee brewer into a bathroom outlet at 3 AM and leaving it unat
tended, heating the hoard to its flashpoint. The entire property, along with all
of Chris s earthly possessions were destroyed. It begs the question why Chris w
as brewing coffee at 3 in the morning, although likely reasons would be due to h
is "biological clock", or that Chris is obviously trying to commit fraud and sue
the coffee maker Keurig, or perhaps that Chris likes a nice warm cup of hot jav
a after taking a shit in the middle of the night. One fire fighter was seriously
injured - probably because Chris kept going back inside to find his Sonichu med
allion.
Behold, the mistake of God: Christian Weston Chandler.
Born February 24, 1982, Christian is a naïve, perverse, autistic, overweight, raci
st, pedophilic, homophobic, self-proclaimed aspie virgin and creator of his own
skillfully-drawn series of comics starring Sonichu - his supremely insightful cr
ossover of Pikachu and Sonic. As well as "suffering" from autism, Chris also suf
fers from a terminal case of unwarranted self-importance, the only cure for whic
h would be to remove his head from his consequently gaping ass. At the time of t
his writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.
Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC, クリスちゃん, Mexican Weston Chandler, Ricardo, Ian
on Anderson, Ian Brannon Something, The Impostor, Sammy, or any other lulzy name
s trolls can make up for him, which will make him throw a tantrum.
The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence
, is that he wears a medallion made out of crayola FUCKIN' MODEL MAGIC and acryl
ic paint at all times in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. In public. As if t
hat weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has a shitload of medallions: The b
lachu, and the "Rosechu" medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart
), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Which, of course,
he does, because who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day colorin
g-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?
Christian's hobbies once included creating My Little Pony figures, including him
self as a pony wearing a Sonichu medallion, stalking women at the mall, finding
a "boyfriend-free girl" to "make into a Sweetheart from the ground-up", drawing
(and actually uploading) pictures of himself having sex with multiple, racially
diverse women, drawing porn of his hedgehogs, taking naked pictures of himself,
and sexing up a blow-up doll named JULAY (which was originally sold as "Kimmi").
Now all he does is play PS3 all day and stuff fast food down his throat.
He also got into big trouble when his father walked in on him while he was mastu
rbating. Chris really needs to grow up and sell his toys on eBay. However, no on
e will buy his shit, so a girlfriend-free faggot he remains forever more, much l
ike his older brother from Liverpool.
But it gets far worse, readers...
IRL Creepiness
On MySpace, Chris posted his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl" and his stalking
tendencies. Unfortunately for him, every woman on the planet appears to have a b
oyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs "noviophobia" — in Chris's bastardized h
ighschool Spanish interpretation, he inserts "novio" which essentially means boy
friend, before the Greek root phobia, committing a facepalm-worthy portmanteau t
hat is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the wo
rld, Chris has a paralyzing fear of boyfriends. Chris claims to hate every male
besides himself and his father, because they "took all the pretty girls leaving
[him] with no one to choose from".Where did it start? I started when my life-lon
g friend, Sarah Hammer, a very pretty girl, was taken away from me by this Magic
ian Jerk, Wes Iseli. At first, I was naive about their relationship. Later on, i
n spring of 2003, I tried to pick up a girl in a class I was taking at Piedmont
Virginia Community College, but she told me right-off, that SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND!
And it was like that with every other girl who I talked to since then. Thus, I
developed my Noviophobia(mentioned above).As you've probably seen from the pictu
res above Chris is a fat sack of shit but shockingly he didn't always have man t
its; only after turning eighteen did he start gaining weight.
Chris's exercise
For years, he hasn't had any real exercise (aside from screaming). As a result,
he has pencil thin legs and scrawny arms. Fun fact: A video he made trying the s
how he can do pull ups shows him struggling to do one. Chris also makes things s
eem much heavier than they actually are, saying that a box of twelve cans is 50
pounds and he also said his dog house had to of weighed 5-10 tons. Either Chris
is terrible at math or that dog house was filled with lead bricks.
Chris in denial
Chris generally believes he is "fit as a fiddle". When confronted by Matt in the
infamous "Father Call" about his obesity Chris simply said "I could be healthie
r". In the same call he gets mad at Matt for saying he was lazy. Matt then point
ed out that Chris is ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD, DOES NOT HAVE A JOB, AND LIVES WITH HI
S PARENTS. Chris responded saying he does work around his house, which is comple
te bullshit as seen in his house tour.
Upon discovering this article on the 10th of November, Chris suffered a severe c
ase of butthurt and declared war on every site mocking his Truth and Honesty. As
with everything in his life, Chris fucked up.
At first, Chris tried tampering with this article while logged in as Reldnahc wh
ich is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) spelled backwards. Before erasing th
e entire article, Chris actually contributed by adding information that he hadn’t
submitted anywhere else. Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited
sources which included how Megan “shattered his heart”, and printouts of the Sonichu
News Dash: a shitty newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at PVC
C that landed him in another apparent conflict with Mary Lee Walsh.
To make matters worse, he also uploaded Rule 34 of his own characters.
Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he snapped. He c
reated another account and tried blanking the page several times.
CWC blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for breaking up the relationship between him a
nd Megan despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend. Just another lying
attempt to make ED feel troll s remorse.
In this video, Chris congratulated all his non-existent Sonichu fans whom he mis
takenly believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED whil
e failing to realize that ED s downtime was due to an issue related to the websi
te as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.
Chris s plea for his fans to not donate to ED flopped because the only people wh
o pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its dona
tion goal on August 14, 2008.
CWC vs. ED Parte Deux
Last Thursday, Chrissy posted a video onto the tubes declaring yet another war a
gainst his ED page, demanding that the page and discussion page be deleted, or e
lse he wouldn t be making any more of his sweet, sweet comics for his fans to en
joy. He then stated that much like the old adage: "Too many cooks spoil the brot
h", ED had too many CROOKS. And that "every single word on his ED page was a cro
ok".
After standing in an anime pose with his fist in the air, Chris then hulked the
fuck out and proceeded to beat the shit out of a Raggedy Ann doll with a picture
of Clyde Cash taped to its face, and that more RAAAAAAAGE would follow if his E
D page wasn t taken down posthaste.
The beast can be unleashed here.
CWCville
CWCville (Pronounced: Quick-ville) is Chris-chan s imaginary world. Considering
how it s portrayed, its full name could be the Our Glorious Leader s True and Ho
nest Lovers City of CWCville, in a way similar to the Democratic People s Repub
lic of Korea.
CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the Sonichu comic, and
Chris s long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an ima
ginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It s sor
t of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted
Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it s a disturbingly cheerful pla
ce where Chris s bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and fuck for his amusement exac
tly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the
wayside just as quickly; nobody s quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing C
hris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below
the Mayor s house.
In the Sonichu comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of V
irginia, but being a figment of Chris Chan s imagination, it will never be found
on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and eco
nomically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city,
Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will an
d dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.
Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city of "Priv
ate Villa of Corrupted Citizens." It is under constant attack from the evil forc
es of Dean Mary Lee Walsh and her army of Jerkops.
After seeing a hilarious episode of Family Guy, where Chris-chan didn t get that
he was being parodied for his moralfaggotry, he decided to share his hatred of
the gays with the Holy Bible. To do this, he quoted the book of Leviticus, which
is the biblical equivalent of goatse, which reinforces how men should not engag
e in buttsecks lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be raped by the Devil
and his minions for eternity (and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear wit
h elastic straps, or crossbreed animals). Chris obviously didn t get the joke fr
om the funny episode. He didn t realize that the character Stewie is just like h
im in one sense; they are both closet cases.
“
I m not saying I m dumb...or naive.
„
—Chris, in the process of being both.
Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89% percent of
the users trolling Chris-chan are Muslims. In another blow to Chris s moral cre
dibility, he also decided to pick up a book on how to talk to the opposite sex..
.written by a 9-year-old boy. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his
age, party vans descending on Ruckersville are imminent.
So, in other words: ChrisChan, the most obvious closetcase in all of Virginia, s
till thinks he is a glorious crusader against the filthy, filthy homos and their
filthy, filthy ways, while accidentally being a dang pedofork.
Chris and His Ego
If this were true, humanity would be long gone
Chris s ego, the only thing larger than his cum-guzzling belly
There are many examples of Chris huge ego, which is astronomically big, seen th
roughout his comics, his actions IRL, and in his videos. His extreme narcissism
is most likely a cover-up for his micropenis. Here are just a few examples of hi
s self-delusion at work:
Chris thought his birthday should be celebrated nation-wide.
Before Chris got banned from The GAMe PLACe he would lug in his PS3 and plug it
into the flat screen and use it for hours (probably watching gay porn). He woul
d also sing to Britney Spears songs. Finally, the owner had enough of his shit a
fter Chris screamed at a black kid and promptly kicked his ass out. Chris attemp
ted to get unbanned with many cunning and well-planned tricks (getting his paren
ts to try to change the owner s mind) but all failed.
Chris thinking he is a good person
Chris thinks he has over 9000 fans when in actuality he probably has 3 at the m
ost; the rest are trolls.
Sex Life
Chris wrote to Nintendo Power in April of 2005 to discuss the DS game Sprung: A
horrible dating simulator, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his
email. According to him, it was a "free personal", and he expects that it being
published will somehow increase his chance of finding a woman
Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat over there, Chris.
Stoopid child porn laws...
His "sex life" - if you could even call it that - includes, among other strange
phenomena, fucking an anime blow-up doll and screaming "JULAAAY!" at the top of
his lungs.
“
But anyway as I was saying you know, just as you know, when you masturbate, you
don t have to use your fingers, you could like, uh, find something that s like,
you could use like a banana, or a pickle, I mean, it would be a waste of a fruit
, but if you used a banana, you could still eat the insides.
„
—Chris-chan, on sticking things up his butthole.
In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly ra
mbling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is not
gay, being that he owns a dildo and anal beads and rambles on about sticking thi
ngs in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he
lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loat
hing flaming faggot trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know ho
mophobes are closeted gays themselves.
Chris appears to be stuck in a strange, child-like mentality where he feels guil
ty when discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, li
ke "pickle" and "duck" for dick, "hanky-panky" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for sin
gle, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 200
6, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically Megan and a recent tr
oll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan
claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex, Chris goes into full det
ail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from porn
ography.
In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris s sexuality. Na
mely, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "Thi
s might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings
has him describing his ideal "first time", which is intricate, overly dramatic
and mildly retarded. This and many other disturbing things can be read here.
His return
chris-chan has evolved into fabio, you know you want him.
Chris returned to the internet in 10/18/2013 showing off his lego skills in a Mc
Donald s, as his house is too filthy to stand as a backdrop. It s noticed that c
hris looks more of a faggot than ever.
January 10th, 2014: House fire
In the early days of 2014, 14 Branchland Court was burnt down by a fire sparked
by a plugging a coffee brewer into a bathroom outlet at 3 AM and leaving it unat
tended, heating the hoard to its flashpoint. The entire property, along with all
of Chris s earthly possessions were destroyed. It begs the question why Chris w
as brewing coffee at 3 in the morning, although likely reasons would be due to h
is "biological clock", or that Chris is obviously trying to commit fraud and sue
the coffee maker Keurig, or perhaps that Chris likes a nice warm cup of hot jav
a after taking a shit in the middle of the night. One fire fighter was seriously
injured - probably because Chris kept going back inside to find his Sonichu med
allion.The End of Sonichu?
In the middle of 2010, Chris announced he was done with Sonichu forevers because
the "trolls drained him of creativity." This is odd, because Chris had no creat
ivity to begin with. In reality, he just didn t care about drawing comics anymor
e. Many retards pine for the days of old-school Chris trolling, where he d get h
is bloated ass kicked out of malls, but the thing is is that Chris is so lazy an
d drawing comics don t reward him with PSN trophies. His mother also told him to
quit drawing the comics of him battling McDonald s managers.
August 30th 2010: PS3 Destruction
Three leaked videos (MovingFoward, MovingFurtherFoward, 100_2209.MOV) have appea
red on the internets regarding his "Life Upgrade" (aka his PS3). He accidentally
DELETED FUCKING EVERYTHING on his PS3 Harddrive, 2 days after that he beat the
shit out of it with an edging stone, then stabbed it with scisors then ran over
it with his car. It was discovered shortly after that the manchild was trolled (
again),according to some leaked emails, he thought that if he destroyed his PS3,
he would receive $9,001. Obviously he didn t think through this idea at all. He
destroyed nearly $5,000 in his autism and never received the reward that he d h
oped for (no shit).He tried to make people think that he wanted to destroy it, t
o change his life and stop playing video games.
Sadly, this new direction in his life didn t last. He immediately went into with
drawal and spent his welfare money on a NEW PS3.
September 6th 2010
Chrissy posted a new video on Sept 6th, which can be viewed here. In it he infor
ms us he is very much not dead, and in fact alive, healthy and well. He also not
ifies us that he hasn t dug up Patti. Even if that is true, poor Patti will no d
oubt be dug up from under his porch sometime soon, as Chris cannot sleep at nigh
t knowing there is an animal corpse nearby he hasn t violated. He then rambles i
ncoherently about how the trolls blow smoke, NO ONE IS GONNA LISTEN TO IT ANY MO
RE!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!. But hey, guess what? He is gonna regain control of his life
and ignore the trolls, so they can t play with him any more. His final message?
Haters gonna hate, plus an awesome string twirl.
Really, Really Gross Videos
Recent Chris-chan convert, Chris Brown.
Chris drinks his jizz for Ivy! (Bon appetit!)
Spank dat ass!
Chrissy in the shower! (Filmed on location at Jigsaws place.)
Chris goes insane nude
Chris makes love to his video game console!
Chris reveals his feminine side!
2010 Endeavors
Chris trying to look sexy for his school reunion.
BRILLIANT!
As of August 27, 2010, Chris is butthurt that his class of 2000 has yet to have
a reunion, because at prom a movie said "See you in 10 years". Chris believes th
e school by law has to host a reunion. Most likely his class has seen his videos
and has had the reunion and not invited his fat ass, or thought he was dead. It
also appears he may be balding.
Chris decided to tape a video tour of Ruckersville. Here he shows the highlights
and favorite places of the town(big surprise, McDonalds and Burger King are a c
ouple of the stops on the tour!)
Chris has stepped up his war against trolls with a new masterpiece.
He advises people to turn them in at their work place and DEMANDS THEY BE FIRED!
Or turn them in to the police. He mentions that God will smite the trolls.
As of November 22, it appears Chris has again gotten butthurt at not having frie
nds on FriendFace and has quit the internet forever. Time will tell.
Numerous other highly-functioning autists on YouTube have taken a vociferous dis
like towards our beloved manbaby, seeing in him a dark reflection of their own f
ailings and faggotry. Realizing that they have frighteningly more in common with
Chris-Chan than they d like to admit and not wanting to feel the big thorny coc
k of the trolls pressing up against their own virgin lolcow assholes, these sper
gbuckets fall over one another in their attempts to distance themselves from the
esteemed mayor of Cwcville, making shitty rant videos about Chris-chan and how
much better than him they are, claiming that he is giving autism a bad name.
Of course, this is something of a logical fallacy which their stunted autistic m
inds are unable to grasp, as Chris-chan s behaviour in no way affects them and t
heir behaviour, they cannot use Chris as a scapegoat or an excuse for their own
faggotry.
PROTIP: If you are reading this article right now and feel the urge to make a Yo
uTube rant about Chris-chan, please, take ED s advice and DON T.
Death of a Lumberjack
On September 06, 2011, Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., Chris father and Internet
Lumberjack, died and went to that Great Klan Rally in the Sky.
Chris-chan goes to jail
Chris and his mom have been arrested and might go to prison. He has been charged
with assault and trespassing at the GAMe PLACe. On top of that, Barbara attempt
ed to run Michael Snyder over in the parking lot (the second time this has happe
ned), before driving off, landing them with a hit and run charge as well. Howeve
r, they were soon pulled over. When officers arrested Chris, Barbara attempted t
o defend her precious child and was subsequently charged with assaulting an offi
cer.
Chris attempted to have charges dropped in court on 7 November. Although he appa
rently kept his mouth shut and didn t sperg out, he still got no mercy from the
Prosecuting Attorneys. Not a single charge was dropped. We have no idea if he p
led "Nolo Contendre","Guilty", "Not Guilty due to Insanity" or "Shut Up, Judge!!
!"
Turns out our hero, Michael Snyder has indeed called for a civil trial against b
oth Christard and Snorlax.
Chris returned to court on 15 December but fuck all happened; apparently he whin
ed to the judge that he d only just gotten a lawyer and needed moar time to prep
are, and got a delay until 5th January. He brought his 3DS with him and anons fr
om /cwc/ attending the hearing were able to obtain his StreetPass Mii. Even that
s a fucking tomgirl. On January 5th, he got yet another postponement, so he cou
ld finish levelling up some pokeymans in his game instead of going directly to j
ail. His next hearing is set for April 5th 2012.
Based on their charges, each of them can potentially face a minimum sentence of
one year and a maximum sentence of ten years.
The only way his “get-out-of-jail-for-free-card” could work to somewhat to his advan
tage would be due to this incident reeking of autistic fuck up and the court wou
ld find him incapable of functioning as a normal adult and therefore not respons
ible for his actions and would then commit him to a mental health facility, like
ly for most of his remaining adult life. As for Barbara, if the court found her
guilty it is likely the 70 year wouldn t survive her prison sentence.
Here s Christard s Version, Straight from the Horses Ass
Chris tard Enabler Unveils the Horror that is Chez Chandler
Chris s Pastoral Councillor Rocky "Bullwinkle" Shoemaker revealed details of the
Chandlers living conditions to a suave, British troll named "Doctor Perron" (wh
o turns out to be notorious Fundie Creatard Troll "Chris the Hacker".). Apparent
ly, Not only is the Chandler residence a rubbish heap of hoarded junk...it is al
so suffering an undefined "infestation problem" and that "bug bites" are part of
the reason the Great Lumberjack went off to that sawmill in the sky. He was eve
n under quarantine immediately before his death.
Update, April 5th 2012
Although the charges for Trespassing and Assault have been dropped, The Court st
ill wants to nail Chris tard and Snorlax to the wall for the Hit-and-Run and hit
ting a cop. It s going to the Grand Jury!
That looks a sturdy, unbiased crowd. Justice is sure to come from them.
Also, Snyder v. Chandler is going ahead full steam. The judge in that case wants
to play Kick the Autistic.
Update, Julay 10th 2012
Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty
Chris-Chan s Virginity: Lost?
Not bloody likely.
On April 12th, 2012, the PVCC troll group posted a flurry of fake screenshots. T
hey were of a (now?) nonexistent Facebook posting supposedly from the Chris tard
boasting of him sticking his bent duck into sum poontang (which has already bee
n proven physically impossible unless the hooker was a hambeast, and then... giv
ing a gift basket to the prostitute.
“
Oh, I forgot to mention, she Really Enjoyed my dick; it was soo big and good, th
at it put the last dude she was with to shame; Her Words.
„
—Some troll pretending to be Chris.
A lot of Anons could tell it was a shoop because of both the pixels and the Ubun
tu font, but they still squee d with glee, hoping to be proven wrong by a smug C
hris tard posting a hilarious and horrifying video. Soon, the members of the CWC
ki forum began showing off their own shoop skills by editing HTML in Chrome s el
ement inspector to make their own fake Chris "Facebook Updates"
Chris losing his virginity is the latest lie to come from the Tard himself. We
all know that he is doing this for pre-prison raep attention, and this really di
dn t happen. At best, he broke down and spent the money on a crackwhore with rea
aaallly low standards. At worst, he is completely gone around the bend, and hasn
t noticed he has been making love to a over-lubricated tennis shoe he stole fro
m his mom. Also note that on the slim off-chance that his claim turns out be tru
e, Mr. Chandler has committed another crime, since the solicitation of prostitut
ion is illegal in Virginia.
Call up the Chandler house today, and tell him porking a blow-up doll doesn t co
unt!
“
Protip: They re all fake. Also I think a CWCki forums member made that one you j
ust posted, people are probably having an edit war because they re annoyed that
the admins have overruled everyone and are offended by the fact that people want
evidence.
„
—-- Osfos, a disgruntled Christorian
“
Either Chris lied or lost his virginity to a hooker. Neither are things worth br
agging about.
„
—--FarmZombie sums up this whole sad excuse for a saga
Yes, folks...that s what Chris has been reduced to. You d think that if he knew
he was about to go to jail, he d nut up and do something interesting, but no....
Chris will go out with a whimper, without even getting to bang.
Just kidding, everyone knows no one will take money to be pounced on by a fat "h
ighly-functioning" asspie.
His return
chris-chan has evolved into fabio, you know you want him.
Chris returned to the internet in 10/18/2013 showing off his lego skills in a Mc
Donald s, as his house is too filthy to stand as a backdrop. It s noticed that c
hris looks more of a faggot than ever.
January 10th, 2014: House fire
In the early days of 2014, 14 Branchland Court was burnt down by a fire sparked
by a plugging a coffee brewer into a bathroom outlet at 3 AM and leaving it unat
tended, heating the hoard to its flashpoint. The entire property, along with all
of Chris s earthly possessions were destroyed. It begs the question why Chris w
as brewing coffee at 3 in the morning, although likely reasons would be due to h
is "biological clock", or that Chris is obviously trying to commit fraud and sue
the coffee maker Keurig, or perhaps that Chris likes a nice warm cup of hot jav
a after taking a shit in the middle of the night. One fire fighter was seriously
injured - probably because Chris kept going back inside to find his Sonichu med
allion.
