Counselling

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Sexual Advice Association Suite 301 Emblem House, London Bridge Hospital, 27 Tooley Street, London SE1 2PR Helpline 020 7486 7262 Website www.sexualadviceassociation.co.uk Email [email protected]

HOW TO FIND, CHOOSE AND BENEFIT FROM COUNSELLING SUPPORT In our reply to you, we have suggested that it might help you to have some counselling or therapy. Because often, it helps to talk to someone outside your friends and family, someone who can give you ongoing support and can use their expertise to help you rethink your problem and find a solution. These brief guidelines help you find a counsellor and choose the right one for you. NB: Some methods of personal change are called counselling, some are called therapy, or psychotherapy, or psychosexual therapy. Some practitioners call themselves counsellors, some call themselves therapists, psychotherapists or psychosexual therapists. For simplicity, in these guidelines we refer only to counselling and counsellors. Counselling is... - Contractual - based on an agreement that the counsellor will use their skills to help you sort out your problems, professionally, with attention, respect and without judging you, in return for your attending sessions, doing any homework and paying an appropriate fee. - Confidential. The counsellor will not tell anyone what you have confided unless what you confide is likely to put them or other people in danger, or unless you have committed or are going to commit a serious crime - in which case they have a duty of care to report it. - Caring. All counselling is based on the idea that caring is the best way to help. Some methods of counselling may challenge you, but the bottom line is that the counsellor should always be aware of your best interests. - Conscious/unconscious. Counselling doesn't just work by exploring what you already know about your problem. It usually also taps into thoughts and feelings you may not be aware of, which can impact on how you think, feel and behave now, and can include early or past memories. - As part of their professional practice, therapists are required to discuss their work with a supervisor to ensure that your care and treatment continues to be of high quality. Please be assured of your anonymity. - Inclusive. Some counsellors only see patients with particular kinds of problems. But whatever your problem, you will be able to find a counsellor for you. This is true whether you want to be seen on your own or with your partner; whether you are gay or straight; whatever issues you have. - Conclusive. Counselling works towards a conclusion rather than simply continuing for the sake of it; it always aims to leave you feeling more resourced to solve your problem. Counselling isn't... … The instant perfect solution. Counselling can't necessarily change external circumstances, change other people or change anything immediately. It can, over time, help you change your thoughts and your reactions so that you experience the world differently and as a much better place. … Making you do anything you don't want to do. Although you can find counselling difficult, it should never mean doing things against your will, or carrying on when you want to stop. In fact, counselling should mean you become more independent, confident, and more able to say what you do and don't want. … About finding a new best friend. Your counsellor is a professional helper - they can't be there for you 24/7. And although you may feel good about your counsellor, this should never cross over into your actually having a relationship with them. … About being sexual in the counselling room. If your problem is around sexuality, talking about sexual thoughts and feelings will be part of the process of history taking and therapy and your counsellor may ask

you to engage in sexual activities as homework, in order to help you realise new things or practise new skills. However none of this will happen in a way that makes you or the counsellor feel sexual or be sexual when you are with each other; this isn't appropriate and is against the code of conduct of qualified therapists. What does counselling offer? - Information: you are more likely to receive information from a counsellor if you have a practical problem that needs practical help. Most counsellors will offer emotional guidance rather than pure information. - Support: most counselling gives you a chance to explain your problem and a feeling that someone understands and cares . In particular, counselling can offer support to allow you to express negative emotions such as anxiety and anger that you may not be able to express in your everyday life. - Insight: An important aim of counselling is to help you rethink your problem, understand what has caused it and realise what you need to do differently. Counselling can help you do this by posing questions, helping you consider different ways of thinking about things. - Change: all counselling aims to change the way you experience your life in a positive way. Often this is done with practical exercises to help you explore your problems or practise certain skills such as assertiveness. If your problem is sexual, the counsellor may ask you to do certain exercises at home. Counselling is right for you if… - you need specific professional support about intimate issues - you feel that you want to talk to someone 'outside the situation' - you are happier talking about your issue to people who aren't friends and family - you want regular ongoing one-way support, though not 24.7 - you want to speak to someone confidentially - friends and family may feel uncomfortable at what you want to confide - friends and family may try to pressure or persuade you - you want support that is lets you feel understood, and that another person is there for you How to find a counsellor - If you are comfortable mentioning your problem to your GP, ask them to refer you to a local counsellor in the area; they will almost certainly have a list. Sometimes you can get counselling free on the NHS through your GP practice. - Log on to www.bacp.org.uk , the website of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, which contains a listing of counsellors local to your area. - Relate is an organisation that helps with relationship problems and you can see a counsellor there either with a partner or on your own. Their site www.relate.org.uk has a listing of local Relate Centres. - The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists - www.corst.org.uk - is an organisation that provides specialist counselling for sexual and relationship problems all over the country. Therapists are listed by geographical area and what level of qualifications/accreditation they have. - Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, www.llgs.org.uk offers help and support to members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities, and those who think they might be so. The website gives details of a range of ways you can get help. Sometimes a friend or relative has been to counselling and can recommend the counsellor they saw. However be aware that just because that counsellor and their approach worked for someone else, it may not work for you. Choosing a counsellor is a very individual thing.

How to draw up your short list If you are recommended to a counsellor through a GP practice, you may not have any choice about who you see. If you do have a choice, or if you are trying to find a counsellor yourself, then be aware of these things and use them to draw up a short list of possibles. - It may matter to you whether: the counsellor is male or female; whether they are of your culture and background; whether they are of an age you feel comfortable with; whether they share and so understand your sexual preference. - It may matter to you whether the counsellor typically works 'briefly' (about six sessions) or for longer periods of time. - It may matter to you what the counsellor charges. - If possible, choose a counsellor with a specific expertise in the issue you are addressing. If your issue is a sexual one, choose a counsellor who is listed as having been trained in psychosexual therapy. Equally, if your issue involves you and your partner as a couple, choose a counsellor who has experience in couples work. - It is usually wise to choose a counsellor with reputable training, qualifications and experience. However it is not always true that the more qualifications a counsellor has the better they are - what makes for the best success rate is whether you trust and can get on with your counsellor, and do the work recommended. - Make sure the counsellor is registered with a reputable organisation; this protects you (and the counsellor) because they will be accountable to that organisation in the work they do. - Your view of a counsellor may be affected by your past experiences, particularly of people in authority or of stories you've heard about counselling. So if a counsellor reminds you of your hated maths teacher, you may end up feeling anxious even though as a person the counsellor is nothing like the teacher you once knew. Making the decision Once you have a short list of possible counsellors, exchange an email or a phone call, briefly explaining your problem and asking if they can help. If you feel comfortable, then arrange a first session. The sort of questions you might ask during your first session are these: - My issue is… can you try to help me with that? - Are there any issues you are particularly experienced in? - My goals for counselling are… - What is your training and your previous experience? - What happens in a session with you? What sort of things would we be doing? - How long is a session, how often do you suggest we meet, how many sessions do you see us needing? - What are your charges? - Are there any other things you need to know before you can agree to work with me? Even once you've got answers that satisfy you, remember that the most important thing to check out with yourself is whether you trust the counsellor and feel comfortable enough to work with them; if not, keep looking! Once you've chosen If you feel at any time that you are not happy with the way counselling is going you should discuss this with your counsellor. Your feedback is essential for a counsellor to be able to guide the sessions in the best possible way - so speak up! If you remain very unhappy with the process or the conduct of the counsellor, you can consider contacting the professional body the counsellor belongs to. You should always be safe in the counselling room and feel your needs are being heard.

All that said, while counselling sometimes involves challenges, sometimes means tears and sometimes you take two steps forward and one step back - there should always be progress. Counselling has the potential to change things, change the way you see your life, and open doors that you never thought possible. Good luck on your journey! Susan Quilliam for the Sexual Advice Association 2013 Further information The Sexual Advice Association is here to help. We cannot give individual medical advice, but we can answer your questions on all aspects of sexual difficulties and put you in touch with local specialist practitioners. Please feel free to write or telephone our Helpline. We have a number of fact sheets feely available to download.. Please send a large SAE when writing for information. . An invitation …… to enrol as a friend of The Sexual Advice Association. For a small annual subscription you will know that you are contributing to a charity that helps overcome the problems of male and female sexual dysfunction. If you are interested please telephone or write for an application form or complete our on-line registration form. May 2013
Charitable Company registered in England and Wales. Company registration number 04997095. Charity registration number 1104691. Registered Office: 59 Knowle Wood Road, Dorridge, West Midlands B93 8JP (not for correspondence)

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