Discipline Child

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Content

A guide for parents

… because kids don’t
come with directions

Table of Contents

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Discipline Is Teaching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Common Parenting Issues
Infants (Birth to 9 months) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Development and discipline
Gaining confidence as a parent
When babies cry
Does a baby ever sleep all night?
Babies and Toddlers (9 months to 2 1/2 years) . . . . 13
Development and discipline
Getting into everything
When toddlers should not touch
Tantrums
He thinks he’s in charge
Biting
Toilet training
Sharing
Preferring one parent
Making a mess
She can’t sit still
Preschoolers (2 1/2 to 5 years) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Development and discipline
Bedtime battles
The picky eater
Power struggles
Wetting the bed
Whining

1

Grade School (5 to 9 years) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Development and discipline
When kids break rules
Lying
Sibling battles
Bad language
Talking back
About Spanking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
Time Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
More Resources for Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
How your doctor can help
The Parent Warmline
INFO-U
Credits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51

2

Dear Parents:
Parenting can be like riding a roller coaster.
Some days it’s exciting, fun, and joyful. Other
days you may feel tense and uncertain about
your ability to do your job. Being a parent is
rarely dull. Being a parent is also the most
important work you’ll ever do.
We know how tough parenting can be. We
also know how much you care about your
children. But children don’t come with
directions. They don’t always behave the way
you want them to. And, it seems that just as you
figure out what works, they grow into another
stage with a whole new set of joys and
challenges.
Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parents looks at
some of the common parenting challenges you
may face from birth through early elementary
school. Our goal is to give you some ways to
address these challenges, using positive
discipline techniques to guide your child’s
behavior. This booklet is filled with ideas
that we know really work.
One technique you’ll notice we never
recommend is spanking. We know that most
parents would rather not spank, but sometimes
it seems like nothing else works. The fact is,
there are many, much better ways than spanking
to help a child learn what to do and how to
behave.
3

Most important, there is a connection
between spanking and your child’s health.
Children who aren’t spanked have better mental
health, feel better about themselves, and are less
stressed. Good health is what we are trying to
achieve. There are many resources in your
community and neighborhood to help you with
positive parenting – your child’s health care
provider is one of the most important.
As you climb aboard that roller coaster called
parenting, we hope that this booklet can also
give you some ideas and tools to help you enjoy
the ride.

Children’s Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota
Minneapolis/St. Paul
www.childrensmn.org

4

Discipline

Discipline Is Teaching
The word discipline comes from a Latin word
that means “to teach.” As a parent, you are a
teacher. The way you discipline your children
will help them learn.
Here are three ways you can use discipline:

Nurturing your child
Discipline
is teaching.
Discipline
helps
children
understand
what you
expect, how
to behave,
and what
happens
when they
misbehave.
Discipline
helps
children be
in control of
their own
behavior.

This is where you need to put most of your
effort. Children learn best when they know they
are loved and supported. Here are some ideas:
~ Love your child, no matter what they do.
~ Listen to your child.
~ When they are being good - tell them.
~ Expect the best from your child.
~ Make sure they are safe - physically and
emotionally.
~ Be a good role model.

Guiding your child
Children need you to teach them how to act,
help them to manage their feelings, and learn
responsibility. You need to have rules about
behavior. Your child needs to know what will
happen if they are broken. Here are some ideas:
~ Help them learn to solve problems.
~ Show them how to do things.

5

~ Take them away from situations they can’t
handle.
~ Help them learn to calm down.
~ Prepare them for difficult situations.
~ Say “yes” when you can and “no” when you
need to.
~ Give them a chance to do it the right way.

Correcting your child’s misbehavior
When children misbehave, try to respond in a
way that helps them learn how to behave better
in the future. Here are some ideas:
~ Let them safely experience the consequences
of their actions.
~ Take away a privilege.
~ Give them a stern reprimand.
~ If they damaged something, expect them to
fix or pay for it.
~ Use a “time out.”

?

PARENT QUEST
ION
What does “consequence” mean?
A consequence is a result of something a person
does. When children misbehave, parents need to
respond. This response should help your child learn
what is expected in the future. A response to a child
coloring on the wall is having the child help clean
the wall. A response to a child who leaves a bike
outside is not letting the child use it for a day.

6

Infants
(Birth to 9 months)

Development and Discipline
Infants come into the world ready to learn and
grow.
~ Babies learn through all their senses. They
often use their mouth to explore objects
around them.
~ Babies learn to talk by listening and
responding to the people in their lives.
~ Babies use crying to tell you what is
bothering them.
~ Babies need to be loved, safe, and secure.

ESTION
T QU
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What should I know about discipline
for my baby?
• Give your baby lots of love. Remember, you
can’t spoil a child with love.
• Never spank or shake your baby.
• Move your baby if she is getting into things she
shouldn’t.
• Put unsafe things out of your baby’s reach.
• If your child wants something he can’t have,
offer him something he can have.
• Try to have a regular routine to your day.
• When you get tired or things become too much
for you, find a way to take a break.

7

Gaining Confidence
as a Parent
It will take time to feel comfortable. You and
your baby are getting to know each other. Every
baby is different. It takes time for parents to
learn their baby’s eating, sleeping, and attention
needs. Keep your days as simple as possible. Try
to talk regularly with a friend, family member,
or another adult who cares. If you’re feeling
really low, call your child’s doctor, or call one of
the numbers listed in this book.

?

ENT QUESTION
PAR
What is “attachment”?
“Attachment” is the strong feeling parents and
children have for each other. Most children who
develop strong and secure attachments with their
parents and other important adults in their lives grow
up to be confident and caring.

“I felt pretty
good about
being a
parent while
I was in the
hospital
with my
newborn,
but once
I got home
I lost my
confidence.”

When Babies Cry
Crying is your baby’s way of talking to you.
Your baby will cry when:
~ She is hungry.
~ She is lonely and wants you to hold her.
~ She needs her diaper changed.
~ Too many people are talking to her.
~ Something makes her uncomfortable
(a diaper pin, an upset tummy, being too
hot or too cold).
8

“Sometimes
it seems like
all my baby
does is cry.
If I keep
picking her
up, I worry
she’ll be
spoiled.”

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“There are
times when
my baby cries
really hard.
And when he
cries for a
long time it
can make me
really tense
and
frustrated.”

You cannot spoil a baby
A baby often cries less when picked up and
comforted. You cannot hold and comfort a baby too
much. Your baby is learning she can trust you and
that you will be there when she needs you. With
practice you’ll get to know what your baby’s cries
are telling you.

When a baby cries and cries, you need to do
your best to stay calm.
~ Try “swaddling” your baby by wrapping him
snugly in a blanket and holding him close.
~ Take a few minutes to relax. Put your baby
in a safe place, like a crib with the side up.
Then go someplace in the house where you
can’t hear the crying, until you feel calmer.
~ Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk.
~ Take your baby for a ride in the car.
~ Try “wearing” your baby in a Snugli or baby
carrier. Your body motion and heartbeat can
feel calming.
~ Try rocking or singing softly.
~ Call a friend.
Often, when you can figure out the problem and
what will help, crying will stop.
Even though you may feel like shaking or
spanking your baby, this is never okay. Shaking
or spanking can hurt your baby badly and even
cause death.

9

?

PARENT QUEST
ION
What is colic and what do I do?
No one knows what causes colic. Colic usually starts
when babies are three weeks old and can go on
until they are three months old. All babies outgrow
colic. Colicky babies cry loudly, and often cry at the
same time each day. When your baby is crying like
this, try to stay calm. Try some things that usually
comfort your baby. Take a break, call a friend, talk
to your child’s doctor, or call one of the numbers
listed in this book.

Does a Baby Ever
Sleep all Night?
Newborns:
Most newborns do not sleep through the
night. Your baby may need to eat, be
comforted, or have his diaper changed.
Enjoy this quiet time with your new baby.
Your baby is not trying to make your life
difficult.
At 3 months:
Your baby’s tummy has grown, so she may
not need to eat as often at night. However,
at three months most children still need at
least one feeding. To help her begin to sleep
through the night:
~ Make sure your baby is getting enough to
eat during the day.
~ Try to increase her last feeding before bed.
~ Keep your middle-of-the-night attention
short. Just feed your baby or change her
diaper if it is soiled or very wet.
10

“Everybody
asks me if my
baby is
sleeping
through the
night. I feel
like something
is wrong when
I say no.”

?

PARENT QUESTION
Will feeding my baby cereal at bedtime
help him sleep through the night?
No. Most babies cannot digest cereal until they are
at least four to six months old. If you start feeding
your baby cereal now, it will just pass through his
system. It will not help him sleep through the night.

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Back to sleep
Put your baby to sleep on her back to reduce the
risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Make
sure she sleeps on a firm mattress that fits the crib
tightly. Remove quilts, pillows, and soft toys from the
crib. Consider using a sleeper instead of covering
your baby with a blanket. If you do use a blanket,
put your baby with her feet at the foot of the crib.
Tuck a thin blanket around the crib mattress only as
far as the baby’s chest. Do not place your baby on
a waterbed, sofa, soft mattress, pillow, or other soft
surface to sleep.

At 6 months:
Some babies sleep through the night at six
months. More often, your baby will wake
and want comforting. Some babies may still
need to eat at night.
Help your baby find a way to comfort
herself and fall back to sleep on her own.
You might want to try one of the following.
~ Stand by your baby’s crib. Let her know
you’re there. You don’t need to pick her
up.
11

~ Gently pat your baby.
~ Talk to your baby. The sound of your voice
will let her know everything is okay and it’s
time to sleep.
Start to have a bedtime routine. Your routine
may include having a bath, reading a story,
dimming the lights, rocking, or singing.
If you need more ideas, call your child’s
doctor or call one of the numbers in this
book.

!

PARENT TIP
Stranger anxiety
When they are 8 to 9 months old, many babies go
through a period where they only want to be around
people they know well. Understand your baby’s
need to be with people he trusts. Give your baby
time to get used to new people. Do not force him to
be held by someone new, or someone he doesn’t
see very often.

If you have other questions about your
baby’s development at this age, talk to
your child’s doctor or call the Parent
Warmline.
Parent Warmline
(612) 813-6336

12

Babies and Toddlers
(9 months to 2 1/2 years)

Development and Discipline
Older babies and toddlers are becoming
independent and learning about the world they
live in.
~ Toddlers need to explore, run, climb, and
touch. They may get upset when you try to
stop them.
~ Toddlers know what they want and will tell
you. They can get frustrated when you don’t
understand their words.
~ Toddlers watch what others do and copy
them. They will do what they see you, other
family members, and characters from
television or movies do.
~ Toddlers have minds of their own, but they
need you to help them when they get
frustrated and to protect them from danger.
ESTION
T QU
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PA

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What works to discipline my toddler?
• Give your toddler lots of love.
• Let your child know you’re pleased when he
behaves well.
• Never spank or shake your toddler.
• Put unsafe things out of your child’s reach.
• If your child wants something he can’t have, try
to interest him with something he can have.
• Try to have a regular routine to your day.

13

• When you get tired or things become too much
for you, give yourself a break from parenting.
• Ask yourself whether your child is misbehaving,
or just trying to learn something.
• Act the way you want your child to act. If you
yell, so will your child.
• Be specific and direct when you ask your child
to do something.
• Be realistic about what your toddler can do for
herself.

Getting Into Everything
By the time your baby is 9 months old she is
probably moving around the house on her own.
She needs you to be with her at all times. You’ve
probably noticed she gets into everything. It is
the job of older babies and toddlers to explore
their world. This is how children learn.
Here are some ways to make your home a safe
place for your child.
~ Put breakable or unsafe items out of your
child’s reach.
~ Use safety covers on electric outlets.
~ Put safety locks on cupboards and drawers.
~ Use safety gates on stairs and rooms that
aren’t safe.
When you take something unsafe away from
your child, you can expect her to be upset. Try
offering her a safe toy to divert her attention.

14

“Now that
my baby is on
the move she
gets into
everything.
How do I
teach her not
to touch?”

?

PARENT QUESTION

Why childproof?
It’s important to make sure than anywhere toddlers
go is safe. Toddlers need to explore everything
around them. They will touch, taste, roll, poke, and
examine everything they can see. This is how
toddlers learn. Help them explore safely by putting
things they shouldn’t have out of reach. As your
child gets older, you can begin to teach him not to
touch certain things.

T QUESTION
REN
A
P

?

What is my child learning from television?
Children often do what they see on television. If your
child is acting too rough, the problem may be the
television shows he watches. Be sure you know what
your child is watching. It’s a good idea to limit time
spent watching TV. Find other activities such as
reading, art projects, or playing outside.

When Toddlers
Should Not Touch
“When my
son tries to
touch the hot
stove I slap
his hand to
get him to
understand
he shouldn’t
touch it.”

Instead of slapping his hand, try pulling his hand
away and saying “No.” Children learn when you
tell them over and over that things are unsafe.
Your child will stay away from the stove when he
learns that “hot” means “ouch.”
While you wait for him to learn:
~ Remove him from the unsafe place or item.
~ Try to interest him in something else.

15

~ Have a safe place for him to play while
you’re in the kitchen. Give him something
to play with like plastic bowls, wooden
spoons, or his own toys.

!

PARENT TIP
“Me do it!”
If you have a toddler, you’ve heard this a lot.
Usually, “Me do it” isn’t a problem unless you’re in
a hurry. Encourage your child when she wants to do
things for herself. Give her a chance to put on her
own clothes, brush her teeth, and climb into her car
seat. This may take extra time for a while but the
more she tries, the sooner she will be able to do
these things for herself and save you time.

Tantrums
Your child is learning what it means to be angry
and frustrated. He clenches his fists, squeezes his
eyes shut, and screams. He may kick, throw
himself on the floor, and make a real scene.
Try to keep tantrums from happening. Avoid
taking your child someplace when he is hungry
or tired. If you don’t have a choice, bring along
healthy snacks, books, favorite toys, or crayons
and paper to keep your child from becoming
bored and upset.
Why are tantrums so common at this age?
~ Toddlers can’t understand why they can’t
always touch, taste, and explore everything
around them.
~ Toddlers usually can’t tell you in words what
they want. This can make them angry.
16

“I have an
18-monthold, and when
he gets upset
he has such a
tantrum!”

~ When toddlers are hungry, tired, hot,
uncomfortable, or want attention, they often
react with strong emotions.
Let your child have the tantrum, as long as he is
safe and no one else is being hurt. Let your child
know you understand he is upset.
~ When you are at home, it is best to stay
calm and ignore the tantrum.
~ When you are in public place, stay calm and
remove your child. Go to a quiet place until
your child can calm down.
~ Some children have trouble calming down.
Hold your child gently, talk softly, and tell
him everything will be okay.
No matter where you are, if you respond calmly
the tantrum will end sooner.
When a child has a tantrum in a public place,
you may be tempted to avoid a scene by giving
your child what he wants. When parents do this,
children learn that they can get what they want
if they kick and scream enough. Don’t let
tantrums work for your child. It will just mean
more tantrums in the future.

!

ENT TIP
PAR
Try distraction
The best way to guide a small child’s behavior is to
direct the child’s interest somewhere else. If your
child wants something she shouldn’t have, give her a
safe toy to play with. If she moves toward an open
stairway, pick her up and take her to a different part
of the room.

17

He Thinks He’s in Charge!
By age two, children start to know they can do
some things on their own. Here are some ways
to help your toddler use his new skills and help
you both get through the day.
~ Give him choices when you can. Ask, “Do
you want to ride in the shopping cart today
or are you going to walk?”
~ Stick to your rules. Then your child will
know what to expect. For example, he has to
ride in the car seat; it isn’t a choice.
~ Allow him to get in his car seat on his own.
If he has a hard time, ask him if he would
like your help.
~ Allow extra time so your child can do things
on his own without causing you added stress.

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18

Avoid power struggles
Don’t expect a toddler to be obedient. It will only
frustrate both you and your child. If you’re always
telling your child “No,” try to find ways to say
“Yes.” If you’re always having power struggles, try
to avoid the areas where you and your child clash.
Remember to praise the good things your child does.

“My sweet
little baby
now thinks
he is a king
at age two.
He won’t do
anything I
tell him to
do. He won’t
sit in the
shopping
cart, he
fights when I
put him in
his car seat,
and he
always says
‘No’!”

Biting
“I don’t
know what
to do. The
other day my
toddler bit
another
child”.

It is very common for some children to bite,
kick, and hit other children. Toddlers get angry
and frustrated. They don’t have the words to let
other children know they are upset. Sometimes,
when children are teething, biting feels good.
Here are some ways to prevent biting.
~ Watch for situations that upset your child.
~ Change what your child is doing before she
gets upset enough to bite.
~ Toddlers get angry and frustrated when they
are hungry and tired. If this happens often,
try to change the child’s schedule, or keep
her away from other children during these
times.
~ Talk with others who take care of your child
about other ideas and suggestions.
If your child bites, tell her firmly that biting isn’t
okay. Never bite your child back. Biting your
child does not teach her to stop biting. It may
make the biting worse.
When a child bites, take her away from the
other children. It is important to comfort the
child who has been bitten. This takes attention
away from the child who bites, and helps other
children understand that biting hurts others.

19

Toilet Training
You can encourage toilet training, but don’t rush
it. Often parents are ready for toilet training
before their child is. Your son may be ready to
start toilet training when:
~ He tells you he has wet or soiled his diaper.
~ He is able to tell you he needs to go to the
bathroom.
Most children do not understand their “need to
go” until they are three years old. A two-yearold may start toilet training, but may not be
fully trained until he is 3 1/2 years or even older.
Never punish or shame a child for wetting or
soiling his diaper or underwear.

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Staying dry
• Around age 2, a child can start to learn about
toilet training.
• By age 3 1/2 many, but not all, children are
able to stay dry while awake.
• By age 5 many, but not all, children stay dry at
nap time and through the night.
• For more information about toilet training, talk to
your child’s doctor or call the Parent Warmline
at (612) 813-6336.

“I worry that
I should be
doing more to
help toilet
train my son.”

Sharing
“I am so tired
of trying to
get my twoyear-old to
share.”

Sharing is not something most two-year-olds
understand. Your child won’t begin to
understand sharing until she is three or four
years old. The more you push sharing at age
two, the more your child may refuse. Here’s
what you can do.
~ Praise your child when she does share.
~ Show her how you share by sharing some of
your things with her.
~ When children are playing together, make
sure there are plenty of toys for all the
children to use.
Your child will begin to catch on that sharing is
a good thing.

Preferring One Parent
“My son is a
one-parent
boy. He won’t
allow anyone
but me to
help him.”

It is annoying when your son will let only you
put on his shoes, get him his food, or put him to
bed. Many children go through a stage where
they prefer one parent. Try not to make it a big
issue. If you’re not always there, your child will
get used to letting others help him.
Don’t take this behavior personally. Chances are,
your child will soon look to someone new for all
his needs.

21

Making a Mess
Toddlers need constant supervision. Toddlers
want to touch, taste, see, and explore everything.
This is how toddlers learn about their world.
~ Toddlers don’t make messes to get you
angry. They make messes because they are
learning how things work.
~ Try to keep messy items out of reach. Give
toddlers safe places to explore.
~ Don’t ignore the mess your child made. This
is the perfect chance to teach about cleaning
up messes. Let him help you clean up.

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Keeping track of your toddler
It’s important to always know where your toddler is
and what she is doing. A toddler’s job is to explore.
Your job is to make sure she is safe. Keep a constant
eye on your toddler and put things you don’t want
her to have out of reach.

She Can’t Sit Still
Don’t expect a two-year-old to sit still. She
probably can’t do it. She isn’t fidgeting, talking
loudly, or running around just to make you
angry. Instead, she is curious, she needs to move
her body, and she enjoys talking to you and
others.

22

“The other
day my 2
1/2-year-old
poured
chocolate
syrup all over
the living
room carpet.
I was so angry
and I didn’t
know what
to do!”

“Why can’t
my two-yearold ever sit
still and be
quiet?”

There are times when you do need your child to
sit still and be quiet. Here are some things you
can try.
~ Bring small toys or picture books for her to
play with.
~ Bring a snack that isn’t too messy, such as
crackers, fruit, or cheese.
~ Give her as much attention as you can.
~ Point out objects in the room to divert her
interest.
~ Play pat-a-cake or other games.
~ In some situations, you and your child can
move to a place where you won’t disturb
others.

If you have other questions about your
child’s development at this age, talk to
your child’s doctor or call the Parent
Warmline.

Parent Warmline
(612) 813-6336

23

24

Preschoolers
(2 1/2 to 5 years)

Development and Discipline
Preschool children will try to act as if they’re all
grown up. At the same time, they want to be
your baby.
~ Preschoolers may insist on doing things for
themselves, even when they don’t know how.
~ Preschoolers will test the rules and argue
about rules they don’t agree with.
~ Preschoolers have full imaginations. They
may be afraid of the dark, animals, monsters,
and more.
~ Preschoolers enjoy being in charge and
telling others what to do.
~ Preschoolers watch you closely. Your actions
teach them far more than your words.
~ Preschoolers want to please you.

25

?

PARENT QUEST
ION
What are the best ways to discipline my
preschooler?
• Give your child lots of love.
• Let your child know when he behaves the way
you want him to.
• Put unsafe things out of your child’s reach.
• Try to have a regular routine to your day.
• Ask yourself: is my child misbehaving or just
trying to learn something?
• Act the way you want your child to act.
• Be specific and direct when you ask your child
to do something.
• Be realistic about what your child can do.
• Spend time with your child, especially play time
where she gets to be in charge.
• Catch your child being good and when he is,
tell him.
• Prepare your child for occasions that may upset
her.
• When your child is having a difficult time, help
him take a break or a “time out.”
• Explain the rules and what will happen if she
breaks the rules.
• Be consistent. Follow through with what you say.

!

PARENT TIP
Be prepared for difficult situations
If you dread taking your preschooler to the clinic,
grocery store, or other places he might misbehave,
here are some things to try.
• Before you go, talk to your child about how you
expect him to behave. For example, tell him you
expect him to stay in the grocery cart, and not
ask for things in the store.
• Try not to take your child places when you know
he will be tired or hungry.

26

• Bring along snacks and toys.
• If your child has trouble when you’re in the store
or clinic, remind him of the rules. Ask him to tell
you how he is supposed to behave.
• Let your preschooler know how proud of her you
are when she behaves well.

Bedtime Battles

“Bedtime is so
stressful at my
house. By the
time I get my
children to
bed, I’m too
tired to do
anything else.”

One of the best things you can do for yourself
and your child is to set a bedtime routine.
~ Decide what time your child should go to
bed.
~ Start your routine about 30 minutes to one
hour before bedtime.
~ The child’s routine may include a bath, a
light snack, brushing teeth, and story time.
This is not a good time to start playful
wrestling or action games.
~ Try to stick to your routine every night.

!

PARENT TIP

Is your child afraid of the dark?
Talk with your child about his fears. Your child’s
fears are real to him: do not make fun of them. Use
a night light in his room, or leave the light on for a
while. Some children feel more secure with a special
blanket or stuffed animal. Helping your child learn to
deal with his fear of the dark also may help him
deal with other fears.

27

If you are trying a bedtime routine for the first
time, you can expect some struggles.
~ Your child may keep coming out of her
room. Be firm and gently lead her back to
her bed. You may need to do this several
times.
~ Most children go through a stage where they
are afraid of the dark. Understand that your
child’s fear is real, and help him learn to
overcome it.
~ Use a night light or leave a light on in the
hallway.
~ Some children need more time to fall asleep.
Allow your child to read or talk to her
stuffed animals.
~ Your child needs to get comfortable enough
to fall asleep. This may be different for every
child. Try to find ways to help your child
relax. Have your child breath slowly, sing a
quiet song, or hold a stuffed animal.
~ Sometimes cutting back on the afternoon
nap will help your child be ready for sleep at
bedtime.

The Picky Eater
Having a picky eater in the house does make
mealtime a challenge. Make mealtime positive.
~ Offer your child a variety of healthful foods.
~ If your child doesn’t like to try new foods,
put a small amount on her plate. Ask her to
try one or two bites.
~ Don’t insist that children always clean their
plate.
28

“No matter
how much I
try, my fouryear-old won’t
eat most of the
things I put
on her plate.
I don’t want
to cook two
different
meals.”

~ Some children don’t like different foods
mixed together. Your child may be willing to
eat a serving of rice and a serving of corn,
but won’t eat them mixed together.
~ Some children may say they are too full to
eat much of their meal, but they will have
plenty of room for dessert. Try a rule that
says they must eat most of their dinner
before they can have dessert.
~ Remember, tastes change. One day he’ll
surprise you and like the food he used to
refuse.

!

NT TIP
PARE
Helping in the kitchen
Your preschool child is at a good age to start
helping in the kitchen. Let your child help plan
menus. Help her learn to choose from a variety of
healthful foods. Your child will learn a lot, and feel
that her tastes are important.

IO
QUEST N
T
N
RE
PA

?

What kinds of snacks are healthful?
For homemade soda pop, mix equal parts fruit juice
and sparkling water. Instead of candy offer your
child small carrots, banana chunks, apple slices, or
cut grapes. Instead of chips, give her cheese or
crackers. For a cool treat, freeze fruit juice in a
paper cup.

29

Here are some more ideas:
~ Be realistic about how much food you or
your child puts on her plate. Children do
not need adult-size helpings of food.
~ A child’s taste buds are much more sensitive
than yours. Children often do not like
strong-tasting foods, such as onions, or
foods that are not a familiar color or texture.
~ It is normal for many children to be hungry
one day and eat very little the next.
~ Children have smaller stomachs than adults.
They can eat less food at one time, but may
need to eat more often during the day.
~ Help your child get the right foods by
providing healthful snacks throughout the
day.
~ Talk to your child’s doctor about whether
your child is eating enough.

!

PARENT TIP
Dinner time messes
You can keep some dinner time accidents from
happening. Use lids on cups, child-size silverware,
and bowls or plates with high sides. Booster seats
help children sit at a better height for eating.

30

Power Struggles

“I say ‘No,’
my child says
‘Yes.’ Why
does everything have to
be such a
battle?”

Anger is often a parent’s first response when a
child refuses to do something. When you get
angry so will your child. When you want your
child to do something, offer a choice. At bath
time, rather than ask, “Are you ready for your
bath?” say, “It’s bathtime. Do you want bubbles
or plain water?”
Use simple words when you talk to your child.
Be direct and specific about what you want
done. Instead of saying, “Clean up this mess,”
say “I want you to pick up your blocks and put
them in the toy box.”
Sometimes it is better to act than to talk. You’ve
asked your child several times to sit and eat her
dinner, but she continues to dance around the
kitchen. Stop talking and calmly remove her
plate from the table. If she says she wants to eat,
tell her she can have her food back when she sits
down on her chair and is ready to eat. In most
cases, she will return to her seat.
Some behaviors should just be ignored. You do
not need to respond to everything your child
does. Sometimes your child does annoying
things to get your attention. If you don’t react,
chances are he will stop behaving that way. Save
your energy for the bigger issues.

31

!

PARENT TIP
Understanding your child’s feelings
When your child gets frustrated, angry, or sad, try
letting him know you understand. Say “I can see
you’re upset.” Sometimes that’s all it takes to make
him feel better or calmer. Acknowledging his
feelings doesn’t mean “giving in” or approving his
behavior. It helps him identify his emotion.

ESTION
NT QU
E
R
PA

?

What is “time out”?
Time out means taking a child away from a situation
that is getting out of hand or where a child is
misbehaving. Time out gives both the child and
parents a chance to calm down. See the section on
“Time Out” at the back of this book for how to use
this strategy.

Wetting The Bed
Most children are able to stay dry
through the night by the time they begin
kindergarten or soon after. Boys often take
longer than girls. If your child is upset about
wetting the bed, let her know that as she grows
bigger she will start to stay dry. Don’t make a
big deal of it.
In the meantime:
~ Avoid water or other drinks before bed.
~ Use disposable underwear.
~ Use a waterproof mattress pad.
~ Make sure your child uses the bathroom
right before bed.
32

“I thought my
five-year-old
would have
stopped
wetting the
bed by now.”

Waking your child in the middle of the night for
a trip to the bathroom may cause more stress
than it’s worth. If you are still concerned, talk to
your child’s doctor.

Whining
Some children whine when they want
“What can I something, others whine when they are tired.
Whining is also a way your child gets attention.
do with my
Here are some things you can do.
five-year-old? ~ When your child starts to complain and
whine because he wants something he can’t
All he does is
have, give him a hug and tell him you wish
whine.”
he could have it, but he can’t. You may need
to repeat this more than once.
~ If he still whines, stay calm and leave the
scene.
~ It is important not to let whining, pouting,
tantrums, hitting, or other negative behavior
work for your child. If your child gets what
she wants when she behaves this way, she
will continue to behave negatively.

!

NT TIP
PARE
Catch your child being good
Tell him you like his good behavior. Praise and
compliments work very well in helping your child
understand what you expect.

If you have other questions about your
child’s development at this age, talk to your
child’s doctor or call the Parent Warmline.
Parent Warmline
(612) 813-6336

33

34

Grade School
(5 to 9 years)

Development and Discipline
Early grade school children believe the world
revolves around them.
~ Being the center of attention is very
important to children this age.
~ Friends are becoming important to early
grade school children. They need to learn to
talk with others, to understand other
children’s feelings, and what it means to be a
friend.
~ Parents are also very important. Your child
needs you to make rules and see they are
followed. She needs you to help her try new
things, to listen to her, and to show her how
to solve problems.
ESTION
NT QU
E
R
PA

?

What are the best ways to discipline my
grade school child?
• Love your child, no matter what he does.
• Keep a regular schedule.
• Be a good role model.
• Be clear about what you expect your child to
do.
• Show your child you are interested in what she
is doing.
• Try to see your child’s point of view.
• Use stories to help make your point.
• Be willing to review the rules as your child
grows. Make changes when needed.
• Take away a privilege for misbehaving. When
your child does the right thing, give back the
privilege.

35

• Expect your child to help fix or pay for things
she breaks.
• Be consistent. Follow through with what you say.
• When your child is having a difficult time, help
him take a break (“time out”).
• Tell your child when you are disappointed with
her behavior. Tell her, too, when she behaves
the way you want her to.

!

PARENT TIP
Help your child improve her ABCs
by helping her get her Zs
Did you know that most grade school students need
10 hours of sleep each night? Children who are well
rested are better able to pay attention in school and
are more ready to learn.

When Kids Break Rules
Children go through stages where they test
the rules. Your child may feel that some of the
old rules have become too childish.
~ Review the rule and why you have it. Decide
if it still fits or if your child has outgrown
the rule.
~ Talk to your child about why you have the
rule.
~ If you decide to change a rule, talk with your
child about how the rule should change and
what will happen if the rule is broken.
~ When your child breaks a rule, don’t ignore
it. Make sure your response teaches him why
the rule is important and how to behave
better in the future.
36

“I don’t get
it. My son
used to follow
the rules, but
now it seems
like he tries
to break every
one of them.”

!

NT TIP
PARE
What can I do when
my child breaks a rule?
Rules keep us safe, show us a way to act, and help
us get along with others. When your child breaks a
rule, you need to respond in a way that lets her see
why the rule is important to follow. One good way
to do this is to use a consequence. For example, you
have a rule that no one watches television until
homework is done. Your daughter watches a video
before doing her school work. The consequence for
breaking the rule is no television watching for a day.
When you have stated this clearly, be sure to follow
through.

Lying
“The other
day my
daughter lied
about taking
some money.
When I asked
her about it
she said it
was an
accident.”

Children lie because they are afraid they will be
punished, feel they’ve been trapped, or just think
it is easier to lie. Children also go through stages
where lying is more common.
~ Be clear that you know your child is lying.
~ When you talk with your child about lying,
try to avoid putting her in a situation where
she may be tempted to lie again to cover up
the first lie.
~ Make sure that the adults in your home do
not lie. Children are more likely to do what
you do than do what you say.
~ If you make it clear that lying is wrong, your
child will learn that lying isn’t acceptable.
~ Praise your child when she tells the truth in
a difficult situation.

37

Sibling Battles
Grade school children are at the age where
getting along with brothers and sisters is
difficult. You want your children to get along.
You want them to appreciate and respect each
other. You want peace in your house.
~ Fights often occur over property and
personal space. Have clear rules about what
things in the house are to be shared, and
what things are private. It’s up to the owner
to decide to share private things.
~ Try not to compare your children. Treat
each child as an individual.
~ Give each child a chance to have your
undivided attention.
~ Ask your children to come up with ideas
about how to get along better. However, you
are the one who decides which of their ideas
make sense.

“I’m about
ready to pull
my hair
out! Why
can’t my
children get
along?”

Everyone in the house needs to be treated with
respect and should feel safe.

!

PARENT TIP
Dealing with sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is one way children learn how to deal
with conflict. If possible, let children work out the
problem on their own. Step in only when the
children can’t seem to work things out and the
conflict might get out of hand.

38

Bad Language

“I know my
child picks up
a lot of bad
language at
school. I don’t
want him
using it at
home.”

Your child will probably pick up some bad
language at school. Sometimes children start
using bad language to fit in.
~ Let your child know that swearing or crude
language is not okay at your house. Make it
clear that you expect your child to obey this
rule in school as well.
~ Pay attention to your own language. If you
swear your child will copy you.
~ Never wash children’s mouths out with soap
or any other nasty tasting item.

!

PARENT TIP

Find a better word
There have probably been times in your life
when you stubbed a toe or hit your thumb with
a hammer. Your first response may have been a fourletter word. Children have similar experiences. Help
your child come up with better words to use.

Talking Back

“My daughter
has gone way It is easy to get angry when your child doesn’t
show respect. You can help your child learn what
beyond ‘sassy.’ respect means by the way you respond to her.
I refuse to
~ Tell your child that you want to listen, but
you will not talk further until both of you
have a child in
have a chance to calm down.
my house who
~ Apologize if you get angry and shout. This
talks back all
way you are teaching your daughter what
respectful behavior is.
of the time!”
39

~ When you are both calm, tell your child
clearly what specific words or tone of voice
you thought was disrespectful. Tell your
child how this makes you feel. Tell your
child what you expect in the future.

!

PARENT TIP
It’s okay to apologize to your child
Tell your child, “I really lost my temper earlier. I’m
sorry that I made you feel bad. I wasn’t being
respectful.” None of us is perfect. This helps children
learn to apologize to you and to others in their life.

If you have other questions about your
child’s development at this age, talk to your
child’s doctor or call the Parent Warmline.
Parent Warmline
(612) 813-6336

40

About Spanking

Most parents would rather not spank their
children. Yet spanking is sometimes used in
many families. Why? Here are some reasons
parents may spank:

“Spanking works for me.”

!

PARENT TIP

Spanking will get your child’s attention and it
will stop the misbehavior—at that moment.
Spanking doesn’t teach children what you expect
of them, or how to behave in the future. It also
doesn’t teach children how to behave when their
parents aren’t there to see that the rules are
followed.

“If you don’t spank a child, he
will be spoiled.”
Spanking does not keep children from becoming
spoiled. Children who are spoiled have learned
to get what they want with tears and tantrums.
Parents who spoil their children often do too
much for them, instead of helping them learn to
do things for themselves. The best way to keep
children from being spoiled is to give them love
and caring, along with clear rules about
behavior.

41

!

PARENT TIP
Your emotional bank account
Think of parenting as an emotional bank account
with your child. Every positive thing you do—
hugging, praising, teaching a skill, enforcing a
rule—is a deposit in this account. Every negative
thing you do—yelling, spanking, shaming—is a
withdrawal from this account. You need to make
more deposits than withdrawals to have a good
relationship with your child.

“I try not to spank, but there are
times when nothing else works.”
Many parents believe that spanking is okay
and sometimes necessary. Often parents can
only think of one thing to do when a child
misbehaves: spank. Parents usually spank when
they are angry or frustrated. The good news is
there are many other ways you can learn to
respond to your child’s behavior. Parents who
begin using other ways to discipline their
children generally find out they work better
than spanking.

“Spanking is part of my culture.”
Spanking is common in the United States. It is
part of American society, and not confined to
any particular culture.

42

?

PARENT QUEST
ION

“I was spanked and turned out okay.”
Most adults who were spanked as children do
grow up to be okay. However, this is not because
they were spanked. It is because their families
also used other forms of discipline that were
positive. We know from research that being
spanked as a child can lead to problems such as
depression, domestic violence, and chemical
abuse.

43

44

Anger

What to Do When Your
Children Make You Angry
Nearly every parent knows how angry you can
become when a child doesn’t behave. Here are
some things to keep in mind:
~ Remember, it is your child’s behavior that
makes you angry, not your child.
~ Spanking and other punishments will not
teach your child what he should do instead.
~ Be sure your child can do what you expect
her to do.

!

NT TIP
PARE
We all have really stressful days
Sometimes we may react to a child’s annoying
behavior because we are angry at someone or
something else. If this happens more often than you
like, it is a good idea to get help or support from
someone outside of your home.

45

Four Steps to Control Your Anger
1. Stop!
Take a moment to cool off. Wait until you
are calm before you discipline your child.

2. Look and Listen
What is the problem? What has caused your
child to misbehave? Do you know for sure
that your child did misbehave? Is your child’s
behavior normal for his age?

3. Think
What do you think should happen? Consider
your choices. What do you want your child
to learn?

4. Act
Carry out your decision.

!

NT TIP
PARE

46

Ideas to help you calm down
• Count to ten very slowly. Think about the
counting, or something that makes you happy,
instead of your child’s behavior.
• Put your hands in your pockets. This will help
you from using them to threaten or hit your child.
• Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
Pretend you are releasing steam from your body.
• Get away from the situation. Go into another
room or take a walk. (Do this only if it is okay
for your child to be alone or if there is someone
to watch your child.)
• Talk about the problem with your partner, a
friend, or a relative.

Time Out

More About “Time Out”
Time out is often used when a child misbehaves.
Time out works for both parents and children,
because it helps everyone calm down.
~ Try not to use time out too often.
~ Time out should never be used with children
under the age of 3 years.
~ Parents need to be calm, but firm, when they
put a child in time out.
T QUESTION
REN
A
P

?

What is “time out”?
Time out means taking a child away from a situation
that is getting out of hand or where a child is
misbehaving. Time out gives both children and
parents a chance to calm down.

How to use time out:
~ Find a time out spot that is comfortable. It
should be away from the action and away
from where your child was misbehaving.
~ Tell your child she needs to take a break. Say
you need her to stay in her time out spot
until she is calm or ready to behave.
~ If your child tries to leave time out before he
is ready, gently return him. Tell him he can
return to his play when he is calm and ready
to behave.
47

~ When your child is calm, talk about why she
needed time out and what you expect in the
future. If your child hurt another child, have
him apologize. If he knocked something
over, have him pick it up. This gives your
child a chance to correct his behavior.
~ Be sure to praise your child when she calms
down and returns to her activity without
problems.
More ideas:
~ Some parents choose to use a timer. Give 1
minute time out for each year of your child’s
age. For example, if your child is 4 years old
he would spend 4 minutes in time out.
~ As children get older, try having them leave
time out when they are ready. This helps
your child to know when she has calmed
down.
~ It is okay to let your child read a book or
work on a puzzle while in time out. Pick toys
or books that help your child calm down.
~ Encourage your child to take a time out on
his own when he feels the need to calm
down or take a break.

!

PARENT TIP

Using time out
Time out can be used to prevent misbehavior. Ask
your child to take a time out as a way to calm down
before a situation gets out of control. Time out can
also be used when a child misbehaves. It gives
everyone a chance to cool down. After time out is
over, you can deal with the problem behavior.

48

Resources

More Resources for Parents
1.Remember that your child’s health care
provider is a primary source of information
about healthy parenting. Talk to them about
your child’s health and wellness. Your child’s
behavior may be a symptom of other concerns
that your provider should be informed of.
2.Call Parent Warmline at (612) 813-6336
with questions about your child’s behavior or
development. The Warmline is a free
telephone consultation service of Children’s
of Minnesota. It is staffed by professionallytrained volunteers who will return your call
within 24 hours, ready with practical advice,
encouragement, and help in connecting with
other community resources.

Parent Warmline
(612) 813-6336
3.Call INFO-U at (612) 624-2200 or
(800) 525-8636 to hear one- to two-minute
messages about a variety of parenting issues,
categorized by age and topic. This free service
is offered by the University of Minnesota
Extension Service 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week.

49

50

Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parents is one
component of the Peaceful Parenting for
Healthier Children initiative of Children’s
Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota, and was
developed in conjunction with the University of
Minnesota Extension Service.
Project consultant:
Rose Allen, extension educator, University
of Minnesota Extension Service-Ramsey
County
Writer:
Tracy Habisch-Ahlin, extension educator,
University of Minnesota Extension
Service-Washington County
Review team:
Audrey Anderson, manager, corporate
communications, Children’s of Minnesota
Mary Braddock, MD, medical director,
community health and preventive medicine,
Children’s of Minnesota
Colleen Gengler, extension educator,
University of Minnesota Extension
Service-Murray County
Sharon Hills-Bonczyk, manager, family
resources, Children’s of Minnesota
Karin Ihnen, extension educator, University
of Minnesota Extension Service-Benton
County
Becky Hagen Jokela, extension educator,
University of Minnesota Extension
Service-Carlton County
Mary Anne Mathews, community health
specialist, Children’s of Minnesota
51

Elizabeth Myhre, director of community
health and preventive medicine, Children’s
Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota
Ronald Pitzer, extension family sociologist,
school of social work, college of human
ecology, University of Minnesota

The content for this publication is adapted from
Positive Parenting I and II, University of
Minnesota Extension Service, 1997, from the
resources and knowledge of the reviewers, and
the wisdom of parents.
This publication/material is available in
alternative formats upon request. Please call
(612) 625-8173.
To order more copies of this publication, call the
University of Minnesota Extension Service at
(612) 6624-4900 or 1-800-876-8636 and refer to
item HE-MI-07461.
For more information on parenting, visit
www.childrensmn.org
or
www.parenting.umn.edu
Copyright ©1999, Regents of the University
of Minnesota. All rights reserved.
The University of Minnesota and Children’s
Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota are equal
opportunity educators and employers.

52

Copyright ©1999, Regents of the University of Minnesota.
All rights reserved.

Funding for the initial development of
Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parents was provided by Target Stores.

Positive Dicipline: A Guide for Parents is one
component of the Peaceful Parenting for
Healthier Children Initiative of Children’s
Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota, and was
developed in conjunction with the University
of Minnesota Extension Service.

6-06
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