excerpts from my iphone

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excerpts from my iphone elaine sun 7/5/2013

409 days ago / 1:26 AM the air of mystery surrounding you is endlessly frustrating to me i cant stop staring trying to make out something anything that i can construct meaning from, reasons logic nothing is mysterious to you you do what you want you love who you love i will lie in front of you on my back with my eyes open i will not hide anything

360 days ago / 2:02 AM i am thinking about that whitman quote about containing multitudes i want to call you and i want you to say you miss me again, sober this time i feel so much i can hardly breathe at night sometimes

338 days ago / 1:38 AM what my mom said about my last (she thinks) bf he is quite odd, but he is a good person

338 days ago / 1:43 AM sorry for being a huge bitch i dont mean to be usually just theres a lot of things fighting inside me, it feels like and i want to say the right thing but theres not enough time to decide what the right thing is during serious conversations, face to face i would really like to say something that wouldnt be hurtful to any party at the same time honest honestly generally trumps consideration given the time constraints enforced by social norms regarding the rhythm of conversation

336 days ago / 2:14 AM the first semester i started getting drunk every weekend was also the first semester i got all As i told my parents this my mom rolled her eyes and my dad laughed i didnt tell them about the time i threw up before even getting to the party and then chainsmoked holding hands with my "ex lover's" ex friend not feeling cold and not caring that other people saw and knew how fucked up it was for me to kiss him goodnight

275 days ago / 9:39 AM some things idg when you are in a long term relationship with someone and you send your exlove interest a one-line email that says "you are beautiful." when you are in a casual relationship with someone its okay to refer to them as just 'someone youre having sexing with' and 5 minutes later say 'i miss you already' re: 'see you tomorrow.'

263 days ago / 8:31 PM friendship tips drink half a bottle of wine & play bright eyes for a room full of people who do not like bright eyes and are trying to do homework

262 days ago / 9:51 AM i dont need anyone to help me feel more insecure. the problem comes from me maybe i dont know with each relationship im able to speak less freely how many more until im completely mute fuck you [redacted] fucked for life [redacted] would tell me to end it this relationship is doing me no good even though sometimes i think that it is ive never been treated like this before. ive never been denied of a want in a relationship. i wonder why were they afraid of losing me or did they understand my emotional state until it became too much of a burdeen or was i just more laid back, placated by a kiss and a smile i deserve to be taken seriously at least

164 days ago / 11:00 PM im in the basement of a house with a giant poster of charles inouye thinking about you like i still miss you is a bad habit i need to correct busyness means happiness for now i want to know it truly but im trying not to think about it too much i dont have a real pillow and im probably not going to get one this semester freezing air is leaking thru a crack in the window but im afraid to turn up the heat in case it accidentally lights my blankets on fire thought abt tibetan monks for a minute today how does it feel to be a 'radical' i wonder to earnestly believe in something so fiercely

152 days ago / 10:06 PM when i lay my head on my pillow i think i can hear the earth humming

143 days ago / 11:36 PM i am telling myself that i'll be okay alone once it gets warm spring in new england is cold and wet when should i end it 50 degrees and up? won't be until mid march or later in the summer you dont even want to sleep in the same bed as anyone not even on opposite sides i only slept in the same summer bed with someone once while heat rose from the flooboards we held each other and woke up sweating did it again the next night markedly more reluctant no one wants to sleep alone while a blizzard is happening outside the window but here i am and tomorrow i'll wake up in a bed that's not mine and observe snow melting into brown shit from a 4th floor window without you

136 days ago/ 10:37 PM rubinoff 12 wine 10 beer 20

105 days ago / 10:44 PM i didnt mean for this to happen and when i felt it happening i tried to stop it you have to agree with me i resorted to the medium im most comfortable with even email 5 days passed easily but i didnt even look at another person 6 days passed and i thought its happened even though i fought it

101 days ago / 11:34 PM now time is passing like a dam broke a time stamp says 6 days ago worry about my menstrual cycle its a full moon when the last time i checked it was a barely there crescent you said the right thing you're not a bad person we'll see is the only answer to everything really

93 days ago / 11:36 PM im so tired but i cant fall asleep not hearing you say goodnight or seeing those words appear on my phone you feel so far away you said i didnt offend you last week shitfaced i half remember seriously devaluing our relationship and throwing a fit about your apparent lack of desire for me im sorry i should quit drinking lately everything i drink something bad happens in the morning you said not to worry about it and left maybe its sweet that you just want to fall asleep together sometimes thats a thing lots of girls appreciate and a thing i should appreciate when did i become like this when did i begin to expect people to admire me unconditionally, forgive my faults automcatically, to love me forever i dont want complacency i dont want ambiguity

88 days ago / 11:37 PM spending time with people you like is really the only thing

83 days ago / 1:56 AM i want to make you understand via brute force not physical brute force but the clarity of a text message not to hurt you but just to make you realize something because this is important its important to know how to empathize with people you (once) care(d) about i feel like the world owes me things and i dont feel apologetic about it right now i want to be defiant for once instead of defeated

80 days ago / 12:40 AM it had never been this real the fear how many people i never told i loved them i want to grasp one hundred hands with tears brimming its not about me whenever someone dies everyone acts a little nicer there are small ways to effect change, making 1 second of a sad person's day a little less sad ill never feel less lost but maybe one day i wont be so afraid because being lost doesnt have to be a bad thing dear friends i want to touch my fingers to yours like ET

66 days ago / 1:15 am tgis is me sending unwarranted text messages what the fuck did i di wrong and why do i always mess up haha typos i want mcnufgets right fucking now but im on in tx where mcdonalds is actually good and when i want to tx i .aa couple weeks everything will be bad bc ill be far awt from everyone i love look at me im destroying myself and i think you kissed my cheek i dont rememver for sure why you decided we werent good together maybe i shouldnt have seen you tonight because it only brought tears to my eyes to sit on the curb next to you touching legs and shoulders its only been 20 days since you walked out on me cryig but u think wr can preted to be frjend? wveryone is fucked. how does any one ever feel happy

60 days ago / 12:23 AM today my new acquaintance was told me about taking adderall and driving all night in this manic way while maintaining eye contact in a way that most people are uncomfortable with i got nervous because he reminded me of someone we would stay up all night and i'd listen to him tell stories, we would maintain eye contact in a way that wasnt uncomfortable for either of us obviously im projecting but that shit was uncanny im so afraid of forgetting moments and people i notice it happening and it feels scary

55 days ago / 1:00 AM flying into dallas at night from far away it looks like a lot of glitter an eerie megacity like beijing or something then it looks like a circuitboard above the horizon line is a shimmering golden haze i dont care if its wasting energy and fucking birds' shit up, i only care that it's beautiful

48 days ago / 5:01 PM cartel coheed and cambria the killers mgmt

47 days ago / 12:58 AM i wish i could give everyone exactly what they wanted from me sex/spare change/a minute to help stop climate change i exhibit all the signs of disordered eating but really i just dont have my shit together and this started a long time ago so getting my shit together is a daunting fucking task. ive been trying to trace my sadness to a source. and is it possible to love yourself if you are the only one to love yourself? and why is it so hard to imagine nonexistence? i would be lying if i said i dont want you to miss me

41 days ago / 12:35 AM in the end every day was warm. you'd wake up feeling confused and disoriented. heat rose from the pavement and the sidewalk and it became exponentially more socially acceptable to hide behind sunglasses. two hours before my final exam i sat in the grass and drank wine out of thermos while my skin darkened slowly. my last day began at 5 am and it seemed like a wonderful last morning when your lips softly softly touched my forehead and i grinned half asleep at you leaving the room. no hard feelings after a 3 week fling. the day became hotter and i didnt fall back asleep. i rushed to finish things. when you came back briefly i fucked up. i didnt have time to stay with you. sometimes i say things almost as if i'm trying to hurt someone but i always immediately regret it. it was so warm in my room even with the window thrown open. for some reason i snapped and pushed you away. a larger emotional distance. you looked at me with confusion and disbelief and sadness

40 days ago / 1:34 AM ... i think about everything i do and somehow i still do stupid shitty things, self destructive. i tell the same stories and say things until i believe them and they become truths. ... i only feel sincere in my speech when im drunk, sometimes when im having sex. doesnt that seem really horrible? in the past year and a half i've become even more of a selfish inconsiderate brat. because ive been meeting new people and when you meet new people, they are, for a while, willing to indulge you. new people talk to me like they love me. new people don't stay new.

5 days ago / 11:34 PM our relationship will become a rotting corpse rsvp for a ceremonial burial re: the future of our relationship performance piece, 2013 everyone is invited byob

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