Fall 2013; spOK! Magazine
Content
$60K
ONLY
Swoop’s Amazing Weight Loss
Kanye: “I Don’t Think Emory is a Top 20 School”
‘I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM’
Plummet dishes on sex, drugs and Candy Crush
EXCLUSIVE
Is Everyone Pregnant?
HOT MESS!
Fall 2013 • emor yspoke.org
latestnews
4 6 7 8 10 11 12 14 15
Matheson Reading Room, Nov. 30
Cram Session
STRAIGHT INTO THE TRASH
We look briefly at your criticisms, then immediately continue not caring
Plummet passes the time in rehab catching up on his Camus
STARS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
Celebrities are people too, just better than you!
CHECK THEIR PRIVILEGE
We stalk your favorite campus celebrities so you don’t have to violate your restraining order!
RESIDENT TRAIN WRECK
They tried to make him go to Student Health Services and he said no, no, no
REINCARNATION SENSATION
The Dalai Lama spills the beans on students’ past lives...watch your mouths, or you might be reborn as a Spoke editor
FASHION POLICE
No justice for the ugly
TROUBLE IN BRO-ADISE HOROSPOKE
Adam is seriously such a dick. It’s like, you couldn’t even text me? Sorry to break it to you, Virgos, but it looks like you’re not getting invited to the Theta semiformal
Check out our website:
emoryspoke.org
Hit us up on Facebook, Twitter and Grindr! Spring Applications are open! Apply online Questions, Comments, Insults?
Email [email protected]
QUIZ: HOW POOR WILL YOU BE?
You’d better work on your LinkedIn, Sociology major
FRONT PAGE OF THE WHEEL
Greetings pathetic Spokians, Today is the most important day of the week. For it is Twerk Friday, a tradition honored and celebrated by Emory’s number one comedy news source, The Emory Wheel, as mentioned in our uproarious article “’Twerk Fridays Bring Booty Shaking to LSM.” Instead of being immature wieners by relying on our very own president’s gigantic scrotum for comedic fodder, we took a pressing issue and turned it into something relatable that the student body can laugh about. And, yo, I’m not even saying that writing about someone’s balls is a bad idea. In fact, we’re about to publish our very own story on Sack Swinging Sundays in Harris. If you shitwads did some actual reporting, you’d know that every Sunday the residents of Harris Hall dangle their hairy gonads from the study lounge window and flail them around like a grape orchard on a windy day. You see, at the Wheel, we pride ourselves in being a collective partnership of not only valuable journalists but ingenious humorists inspired by comedy revolutionaries like Bob Saget and Sinbad. As an avid reader of all Emory publications, I can’t help but feel sorry for the fact that your desperate humor ventures do not come close to comparing to the comedic genius found in our work.... Or should I say, our twerk. Happy Twerk Friday, losers. You will never come close to reinventing the Wheel. -Ryan Feierstone, Sports editor for the Wheel
“
MailBasket
You ask the important questions, and we ignore them
Ur magazin mayd mi uhliterit.”
Reader comment on emoryspoke.org
DUDE, WHERE’S MY TUITION?
I found your previous article on President Wagner’s home to be horribly inconclusive, as you missed many important details. First off, anyone who knows James personally is aware that he gets terribly offended if you call it anything other than the “Swag Castle” in his presence, as it’s an image he’s worked hard to maintain. You hardly made any mention of the Debt Ceiling in his bedroom the ceiling mounted television that displays the rising debt of his student body that he watches for hours each night to relax before bed. You failed completely to talk about the moat he has surrounding his estate which he’s filled with freshly graduated English majors that have been cut off by their parents, making their only current food source the human flesh of intruders. And the garage? Where was that in your article? Are you insinuating that the President parks his yellow and navy Ferrari, “Eagle One,” outside like some sort of barbarian? Listen, I’m not saying that your article was intended to be offensive or insulting, but if you’re going to leave out some of the most important details of Wagner’s estate, don’t expect him to utilize its nuclear missile silo to defend you when Wash U finally comes for us.
WE FIRED OUR FACT-CHECKING KITTEN
GET OFF MY LAWN
I was absolutely appalled by last issue’s coverage of Swoop’s Week. Your “exclusive interview and photoshoot” with Dispatch, as advertised on the magazine’s cover, turned out to be an “exclusive interview and photoshoot” with two raggedy college students standing outside the WoodPEC and an orange stick figure that you must have drawn into the photos using the Windows 95 version of MS Paint. Look, I get it. The college kids had shaggy beards and were wearing khakis that were awkwardly cut off at the mid-shin area. It’s a mistake anyone could make, but seriously, the stick figure? That “feature” had about as much journalistic integrity as the Snapchat I sent out last weekend while sad-drunk at ZBT. I even Googled “Emory Spoke Fact Check” to see if you had anyone who vaguely resembled a fact-checker on your staff, and I was automatically redirected to a webpage whose domain name was “penisland.co.ck” and featured nothing but that “Breadfish” video from 2009 on an unstoppable loop. In fact I couldn’t navigate away from the page, turn the volume off, or shut off my computer, so I ended up taking a sledgehammer to my laptop in a fit of rage. In response to this letter, I demand that that you send me a new MacBook Pro and give me back my sanity. And I beg you, hire a fact-checker, or at least use Wikipedia. At this rate, I might have to start getting my news from CNN. Ugh.
Why is celebrity news so racy today? Your generation prances around posting pictures of celebrity bacteria and pantsless, stuffed eagles. I remember last year my eight-year-old son told me he liked the “funny pictures” in spOK!, and then got in trouble the next day at school. I wanted to educate my son about content in the media and I kept screeching and screeching, and I haven’t seen him since. Also, my wife left me. I dearly miss the good old days when spOK! sold girl scout cookies, Gumby keychains, and had pictures of the most adorable little puppies. Really some of the cutest things I’d ever seen in my life. And why can’t I order girl scout cookies? Why won’t the mailman come my house anymore? This is entirely your magazine’s fault, and I want compensation, and when I get it, boy howdy, will there be some changes. I’m so lonely.
4 spOK! FALL 2013
S R STA E R ’ Y E TH E K I L T JUS
US!
They don’t
use cones!
They don’t
read directi
ons!
se ut They u
ensils
!
asturba They break m
tion records
!
They w
ear Adi
das!
6 spOK! FALL 2013
Star BUZZ
The Real Microorganisms of the 7th Floor Stacks
Elevator Button, Oct. 1
Gossip, hot off the presses
Campus Cutie
WoodPEC, Oct. 30
ase Sigma Chi brother Ch ague O’Flanahanagan, B-le stows flag football MVP, be GDI an autograph upon a
Samantha, the sassiest Vibrio cholerae, has had enough of Jasmine’s fucking lies and storms away with her flagella
Chomez<333
Cox Hall, Nov. 13
Emory power couple Cindy Chen, the Culture Chair of McTyiere, and WoodPEC cardswiping dreamboat Ralph Gomez share an intimate dinner
FALL 2013 spOK!
7
cover story
“One day, Swoop called me and said that I needed to go to rehab,” Plummet said. “I’ve never considered myself a quitter, but I was running out of nonvital organs to trade.”
ROCK BOTTOM
Plummet’s Battle with
Addiction
Elegance enveloped me as I entered Plummet Eagle’s Druid Hills mansion. I shut the carved wooden door behind me and the resulting thud reverberated off the white marble walls. The celebrity eagle then beckoned me into his study, where I found him reclined upon a magenta chaise lounge. A crystal chandelier was perched above him, illuminating the countless leatherbound tomes that encompassed the room. Without exerting too much effort, Plummet pointed at the nearby Target bean bag chair and instructed me to sit. “This isn’t actually my house,” said Plummet. “I think the owners are on vacation.” I then said a silent prayer hoping the neighbors wouldn’t find my car and alert area law enforcement before beginning the interview proper. “How did your struggles with addiction begin?” I asked. Plummet stirred on his chaise lounge in thought. “It all started back while I was part of ‘Fledglingz II Eaglez’ with Swoop, Dive, and Roger,” he said. “I was hoping to differentiate myself enough to begin a solo career and my manager aptly suggested that I develop an addiction to ketamine, an anesthetic aid for horses,” he continued. Before the age of 20, Plummet had already contributed to three platinum records as a member of the hit band. Though never a fan favorite like Swoop, he was recognized as the second-baddest boy of “Fledglingz II Eaglez”. “Swoop also suggested that I get some frosted tips,” Plummet said. “I didn’t think I could live with myself having frosted tips, so I opted for the ketamine.” Unfortunately, as Icarus before him, Plummet flew too close to the sun in his quest for uniqueness. He awoke three months later to find himself in a dumpster behind the Emory Village CVS. “Fledglingz II Eaglez” had moved on without him. “It was definitely a wake-up call,” he said. “I knew I needed a more buzzworthy addiction that would resonate with the coveted 18-24 age group.” Looking for an answer, Plummet rummaged through the contents of his dumpster abode. After a short while, he said, he discovered the answer to his prayers inside of a month-old edition of the New York Times. “I knew that kids loved crossword puzzles and I also knew that no other celebrity had
Excl us ive
Plummet checked into rehab. The months of juice cleanses and hot yoga changed him, he says. He re-emerged into the world a new eagle. “That’s not completely true,” he said. “For around five months I was addicted to rehab.” But things were looking up. After rehab, Plummet took a humble job as a janitor in the Atlanta headquarters of Delta Airlines. Within three years, he had worked his way up to the top. Some would say that he worked his way up by the sweat of his brow, but, unfortunately, birds don’t have sweat glands. Beloved by the media and the public alike, Plummet ushered in a glorious, new age for the company. He had cast off the spectre of his previous addictions and was now known as the most successful of the “Fledglingz II Eaglez” alumni. The golden age of Plummet wouldn’t last. At the 10-year reunion for the musical group, Swoop pulled Plummet aside to express his admiration. In a modern-day avian recreation of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Swoop brought down the swift dagger of betrayal upon the hapless Plummet. “He said, ‘Hey man, you should check out this Candy Crush game,’” said Plummet. “He wanted me out of the picture for good.” One week later, Plummet was found naked and unconscious underneath the Cox Hall bridge. Nestled next to his beak was an iPhone, displaying level 301 of Candy Crush. “Candy Crush makes ketamine look like Flintstones vitamins,” said Plummet. After being arrested for public indecency, Plummet had a revelation. He needed to exact revenge on Swoop. “I wanted to beat him at his own game,” said Plummet. “I signed with the Spoke with the intent to steal the spotlight away from that smiling bastard.” He hasn’t had much success, he says. He attributed his failure to the subpar humor of The Spoke as well as Swoop’s iron grip on Emory’s marketing department. “In case you were wondering, this is actually Swoop’s house,” he said. “And let’s just say that I’ve been spending time at Emory’s Arsonist Club.” At this point I concluded the interview and bid Plummet a good day. Time will tell whether or not this formerly-beloved avian will return to the spotlight. One thing is for certain, though - my employers don’t pay me enough to deal with unstable, D-list celebrity eagles.
an addiction to entering words or phrases into a grid,” Plummet said. “I recall proudly saying to myself, ‘This is how trends are started.’” For the next three years Plummet made the most of every opportunity to showcase to the media just how addicted he was to crossword puzzles. “I would go to these crazy parties in Buckhead and throw expensive bottles of cognac indiscriminately at celebrities before slipping into the bathroom to do a few hours worth of crossword puzzles,” said Plummet. “This one time I actually knocked Frankie Muniz unconscious with a well-placed bottle of Remy Martin Louis XIII,” he continued.
“Nobody knows my struggle.”
- Plummet
Plummet’s innovative gamble worked. He began to re-emerge into the spotlight, earning a variety of guest appearances on daytime talk shows. He came clean about his crossword addiction on a special episode of The Dr. Oz Show in a performance that brought many a tear to the eyes of stay-athome-parents across America. But just as fame was within his grasp, Plummet says, his life quickly turned into a 10-letter word for a crashed locomotive. “I spent whatever money I had left on crosswords and anything that would improve my diction” he said. “It got to the point where I would dig out puzzles that were already used from the trash.” “You don’t know what it’s like until you’ve sold a kidney just to pay for your next week’s worth of crossword puzzles,” he said. Meanwhile, former “Fledglingz II Eaglez” member Swoop had spun off into a successful solo career as the mascot of the immensely popular Division III sports at Emory University. By 2007, he was one of the most popular mascots in all of college sports, second only to the University of California, Santa Cruz’s banana slug. “One day, Swoop called me and said that I needed to go to rehab,” Plummet said with a sigh. “I’ve never considered myself a quitter, but I was running out of nonvital organs to trade.”
FALL 2013 spOK!
9
before & after
Dalai La e th s es n li o H is Written by H
Sophomore Rex Jiu
n o i t a n r a c Rein
ma XIV
Current Life: Rex is a proud man, and an avid participant in campus life. From his never-ending stream of posted Buzzfeed links on Facebook, to his passion for raising his hand to make inane comments in philosophy class, an otherworldly presence of his ancestors can be felt within him. Past Life: Rex was a preacher, until one day he was battered and berated by the ignorant townspeople. He was beaten to death by an annoyed city guard.
Junior Phil Snyder
Current Life: A mild-mannered brother of Pi Kappa Alpha. To me, he seems to be a simple man, capable of developing the occasional semirational thought. A peaceful soul, certainly, he spends his life like the wind in my former home of Tibet, simply breezing to and fro from hall crawl to hall crawl. Past Life: He spent many years as a common sewer rat in Latin America, and rolled in filth and garbage of humans.
Current Life: A classic Emory non-conformist. His draped black clothing and unkempt hair go well with his copy of “Beyond Good and Evil” (unread, of course). The party life doesn’t seem to really be “him,” but he will always have his candles, unpleasant disposition, and handcuffs. Past Life: Ben was an adorable little hamster, just the cutest little fellow you’ve ever seen! What a cute little hamster!
Senior Ben Cravely
Junior Laura Gravent
Current Life: A peppy sorority sister. The sisterhood courses through her veins like chemical waste down the Guangzhou. Passionate about her social standing, but she will always love her little. Past Life: Laura was a black widow spider who ate her young and her mates for sustenance.
Sophomore AJ Getz
Past Life: In a past life, AJ was a ferocious wolf. Not just any wolf though; he wandered the plains and mountains on his own, the apex predator of the great white north. Feared by all, he was a true lone wolf. Current Life: AJ, a revolting GDI, eats at the DUC alone.
10 spOK! FALL 2013
Star FASHION
On November 30 at 2:28 a.m., Emory fashion police responded to a call from a taxi driver who was returning two students to campus from Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill. Prior to entering the vehicle, the students and the driver settled upon a fixed fare. Upon arrival at Emory, the students refused to pay the fare. Following the dispute, fashion officers arrived, and the students confessed that summer season is over and it’s time to put some sweatshirts over their frat tanks.
They wore what?!
On December 1, 2013, at approximately 10:07 PM, Emory fashion police officers responded to the area of Peachtree Street and Peachtree Drive regarding a traffic collision. Upon arrival, officers discovered a male adult pedestrian who had been struck by a vehicle just after loading luggage into a parked vehicle. According to witness statements, the driver involved is described as a 5’11” male, trying to pull off a scarf indoors as well as a Pompadour haircut from Supercuts. The driver did not stop at the scene and so far no one has offered a full description of his outfit, but it is assumed he was going for a JT vibe from like, two years ago. If the suspect is spotted, civilians should immediately call 111, the emergency fashion hotline, and officers will be on their way with cuffed chinos and a chambray shirt. The pedestrian was immediately transported by paramedics to a local area hospital where he was pronounced deceased.
On December 2, 2013, at approximately 12:51 p.m., Emory Fashion Officers were dispatched to the 112000 block of Peachtree St. regarding an armed robbery. Upon arrival, officers found two adult females and two adult males at the scene, including the robber who was dressed impeccably in plaid flannel, cuffed brown oxfords, and a tasteful statement scarf. After escorting the dapper robber to a safe zone, fashion officers opened fire on the style transgressors, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds. The three victims were transported to a local area hospital. The victims are identified as: • • • Emily Pham (2 gunshot wounds, critical condition), adult asian female, 20-years-old who must have thought she was in Breakfast at Tiffany’s with the LBD she had on. Reality check girl, this is a Kroger! Sarah Clarkson (1 gunshot wound, stable condition), adult black female, 71-years-old in Crocs and a velour jumpsuit. Talk about a hot mess! Ben Fox (9 gunshot wounds and a slap in the face, critical condition), adult white male, 28-years-old in pleated khakis and a cardigan that looks like it had been stored in a moth nest. At the hospital, his grandfather called and asked for his wardrobe back.
FALL 2013 spOK!
11
dramaaaa
WHY DIDN’T ADAM INVIT
A CONCERNED SPOKE REPORTER ASKS:
Adam checks his phone for text messages from a friend WHO ISN’T ME.
Adam, you fucked with the wrong photojournalist.
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS, ADAM?!? You were supposed to be at Zaya 10 minutes ago!
Adam and the mysterious stranger share a meal that will hopefully give them both severe food poisioning.
12 spOK! FALL 2013
VITE ME TO HANG OUT?
Did you forget to do something today, Adam? Did you forget to call someone?
Yeah, sure, Adam. Run away from your problems. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow in Astronomy.
Traitorous Swine!
Hey Judas, are you dreaming of BETRAYAL??? (Shit, I forgot to turn the flash off)
FALL 2013 spOK!
13
horoscope
the forecast: reminding you that your life is controlled by gaseous planets
TAURUS
APRIL 20 - MAY 20 The waxing moon is approaching; everyone will think you look beyond hideous tomorrow.
SEPT 23 - OCT 22 Saturn, Neptune, and the Cox clock tower are all conspiring against you. You must find a way to destroy them. OCT 23 - NOV 21 You’re gonna forget to do that thing you need to do again. You know, that thing with the handcuffs.
LIBRA
GEMINI
SCORPIO
AQUARIUS
MAY 21 - JUNE 21 The pull of Venus is strong on Uranus, making this month the perfect time for risky sexual behaviors. You will probably contract an STD.
JAN 20 - FEB 18 Take care when walking through the WoodPEC; everyone is looking at you. Those guys laughing? They’re laughing at you.
CANCER
JUNE 22 - JULY 22 Life just always seems to suck for you, doesn’t it? Well, nothing is going to change anytime soon.
SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21 The stars are arranged in your favor but if your tea leaves say otherwise, stay indoors and call your mother this weekend. People unexpectedly pass away all the time. Please call. Please.
PISCES
FEB 19 - MARCH 20 Venus is pulling you towards a hot Gemini but don’t give in, because that Aquarius you’ve been best friends with since Songfest is close to putting out.
LEO
CAPRICORN
ARIES
DEC 22 - JAN 19 Seven of the planets are in line but Jupiter royally screwed up your luck this week. Visit CDC.gov for information on avoiding MRSA.
MARCH 21 - APRIL 19 Due to the relative positions of Mars and the B-School this month, that friend that you don’t really like is going to want to hang out. Yeah, they’re still annoying.
JULY 23 - AUG 22 Emory Unplugged isn’t happy about the position of the Moon. Expect connection to drop while uploading important papers, or, more importantly, watching Planet Earth while stoned at 4 am.
VIRGO
AUG 23 - SEPT 22 Everything’s going to go great for you this week, at least, up until the meteor strike.
Jim Wagner’s Happy Fun Quiz: How Successful Will You Be? (a little quiz to see if you’ll outdo those liberal arts shitheads)
Directions: Pick only one answer. Start off at zero points, or whatever number you feel like, man. Actually, mark all that apply. Send results into The Emory Spoke for quality assurance purposes.
1
a) A compulsive neurotic. (+1 point) b) Unable to sit still when someone mentions “networking.” (+2 points) c) Discouraged by directions I do not understand. (-2 points) d) A member of an organization sporting arbitrary Greek letters. If you’re top house, bro, add 3 points. If you’re, like, bottom house, (-3 points.)
I am...
In my spare time, I enjoy...
a)
Berating feminist organizations. (+2 points) b) “Networking.” (+3 points) c) Treating DUC workers like shit. (+3 points) d) Thoughtful conversations with squirrels. (-2 points).
4 5 6 7
Dave “Kensington, Duke of Uppityshire” Stess
Editorial
Editor-in-Chief:
2
a) Make sure that other kids don’t score as well as me by giving them bad advice. (+3 points) b) Help out others when I can. (-3 points) c) Help out others when they ask. (-2 points) d) Cheat off of good students. (+2 points)
When it comes to doing work, I...
c)
a) Am a selfless lover. (-2 points) b) Am a selfish lover. (+1 points) Am concerned with getting into Goizueta or my preferred medical school. (+3 points) d) Fall asleep first. (+1 points)
In bed, I...
Web Editor Nick “Trap Game: George Costanza” Bowman Managing Editor Martin “Siggy Stardust” Sigalow Layout Editor Will “It’s Mags O’clock” Ezor Treasurer Jon “Phight Club” Baird Jacob “This is the Mets’ Year!” Albrecht Dominique “Sketch“ Barfield Greer “So Fetch” Bronson Asha “A$ha” Caslin Connor “Straight Outta Mizzou” Chapman Scott “Costume Squire“ Clanton Georgia “Existential Emory Alert” Davidson Laura “I Walk This Lonely DUC” Flint Jenny “Shutter Shades“ Fu Melrose “Place” Huang David “Skippy” Joannides Jamie “Twitter Champ” Jose Julia “Juicy J” Leonardos Mackenzie “Hella Legit“ Levy Rebecca “Stacks Police” Molinsky Armaan “Spotted” Narani Wilma “Photo credit“ Qiu Andy “JWags is My BFF” Ratto John “Cox Bachelor“ Roofeh Nick “Candy Crusher“ Salinger Mack “Nice Binoculars” Schroeder Josh “Perfect Attendance“ Wentzel Gabi “The Gabbening” Wolozin Tyler “Obligatory Long Islander” Zelinger Eva “4Eva“ Zhang Zack Ketchum Alex Levy Mylan Traylor
Spoke Staff
3
a) Pretends to enjoy talking to others so that I may use them or favors or connections later. (+3 points) b) Sits alone, quietly sipping beer. (-2 point). c) Stands alone, quietly sipping a handle. (-1 point) d) Hits on members of my preferred gender and gets really pissed off when they can’t close the deal. (+2 points)
At parties, I’m the type of person who... When I do a little self-reflection,
I’m still bitter about...
a) Have ink on my hands a lot. (-1 point) b) Chew with my mouth open. (+1 point) c) Sit in Starbucks writing quizzes for publications nobody will read. (-3 points) d) Diagnose my peers with mental disorders. (+2 points)
I tend to...
d)
a) Angela. (-2 points) b) Michael. (-2 points) c) Not getting into UC Long Beach. (+3 points) A DUC worker not having the right type of bread. (+1 point)
TALLY UP YOUR SCORE!
25-35: You’ll get a job right out of college, which is the most important thing ever. 15-25: Feel bad. 5-15: Living above the poverty level is doubtful. 0-5: Drop out. Negative: Submit an application to the Emory Wheel.
Models
“Go Eagles!”
FALL 2013 spOK!
15
ONLY
Swoop’s Amazing Weight Loss
Kanye: “I Don’t Think Emory is a Top 20 School”
‘I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM’
Plummet dishes on sex, drugs and Candy Crush
EXCLUSIVE
Is Everyone Pregnant?
HOT MESS!
Fall 2013 • emor yspoke.org
latestnews
4 6 7 8 10 11 12 14 15
Matheson Reading Room, Nov. 30
Cram Session
STRAIGHT INTO THE TRASH
We look briefly at your criticisms, then immediately continue not caring
Plummet passes the time in rehab catching up on his Camus
STARS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
Celebrities are people too, just better than you!
CHECK THEIR PRIVILEGE
We stalk your favorite campus celebrities so you don’t have to violate your restraining order!
RESIDENT TRAIN WRECK
They tried to make him go to Student Health Services and he said no, no, no
REINCARNATION SENSATION
The Dalai Lama spills the beans on students’ past lives...watch your mouths, or you might be reborn as a Spoke editor
FASHION POLICE
No justice for the ugly
TROUBLE IN BRO-ADISE HOROSPOKE
Adam is seriously such a dick. It’s like, you couldn’t even text me? Sorry to break it to you, Virgos, but it looks like you’re not getting invited to the Theta semiformal
Check out our website:
emoryspoke.org
Hit us up on Facebook, Twitter and Grindr! Spring Applications are open! Apply online Questions, Comments, Insults?
Email [email protected]
QUIZ: HOW POOR WILL YOU BE?
You’d better work on your LinkedIn, Sociology major
FRONT PAGE OF THE WHEEL
Greetings pathetic Spokians, Today is the most important day of the week. For it is Twerk Friday, a tradition honored and celebrated by Emory’s number one comedy news source, The Emory Wheel, as mentioned in our uproarious article “’Twerk Fridays Bring Booty Shaking to LSM.” Instead of being immature wieners by relying on our very own president’s gigantic scrotum for comedic fodder, we took a pressing issue and turned it into something relatable that the student body can laugh about. And, yo, I’m not even saying that writing about someone’s balls is a bad idea. In fact, we’re about to publish our very own story on Sack Swinging Sundays in Harris. If you shitwads did some actual reporting, you’d know that every Sunday the residents of Harris Hall dangle their hairy gonads from the study lounge window and flail them around like a grape orchard on a windy day. You see, at the Wheel, we pride ourselves in being a collective partnership of not only valuable journalists but ingenious humorists inspired by comedy revolutionaries like Bob Saget and Sinbad. As an avid reader of all Emory publications, I can’t help but feel sorry for the fact that your desperate humor ventures do not come close to comparing to the comedic genius found in our work.... Or should I say, our twerk. Happy Twerk Friday, losers. You will never come close to reinventing the Wheel. -Ryan Feierstone, Sports editor for the Wheel
“
MailBasket
You ask the important questions, and we ignore them
Ur magazin mayd mi uhliterit.”
Reader comment on emoryspoke.org
DUDE, WHERE’S MY TUITION?
I found your previous article on President Wagner’s home to be horribly inconclusive, as you missed many important details. First off, anyone who knows James personally is aware that he gets terribly offended if you call it anything other than the “Swag Castle” in his presence, as it’s an image he’s worked hard to maintain. You hardly made any mention of the Debt Ceiling in his bedroom the ceiling mounted television that displays the rising debt of his student body that he watches for hours each night to relax before bed. You failed completely to talk about the moat he has surrounding his estate which he’s filled with freshly graduated English majors that have been cut off by their parents, making their only current food source the human flesh of intruders. And the garage? Where was that in your article? Are you insinuating that the President parks his yellow and navy Ferrari, “Eagle One,” outside like some sort of barbarian? Listen, I’m not saying that your article was intended to be offensive or insulting, but if you’re going to leave out some of the most important details of Wagner’s estate, don’t expect him to utilize its nuclear missile silo to defend you when Wash U finally comes for us.
WE FIRED OUR FACT-CHECKING KITTEN
GET OFF MY LAWN
I was absolutely appalled by last issue’s coverage of Swoop’s Week. Your “exclusive interview and photoshoot” with Dispatch, as advertised on the magazine’s cover, turned out to be an “exclusive interview and photoshoot” with two raggedy college students standing outside the WoodPEC and an orange stick figure that you must have drawn into the photos using the Windows 95 version of MS Paint. Look, I get it. The college kids had shaggy beards and were wearing khakis that were awkwardly cut off at the mid-shin area. It’s a mistake anyone could make, but seriously, the stick figure? That “feature” had about as much journalistic integrity as the Snapchat I sent out last weekend while sad-drunk at ZBT. I even Googled “Emory Spoke Fact Check” to see if you had anyone who vaguely resembled a fact-checker on your staff, and I was automatically redirected to a webpage whose domain name was “penisland.co.ck” and featured nothing but that “Breadfish” video from 2009 on an unstoppable loop. In fact I couldn’t navigate away from the page, turn the volume off, or shut off my computer, so I ended up taking a sledgehammer to my laptop in a fit of rage. In response to this letter, I demand that that you send me a new MacBook Pro and give me back my sanity. And I beg you, hire a fact-checker, or at least use Wikipedia. At this rate, I might have to start getting my news from CNN. Ugh.
Why is celebrity news so racy today? Your generation prances around posting pictures of celebrity bacteria and pantsless, stuffed eagles. I remember last year my eight-year-old son told me he liked the “funny pictures” in spOK!, and then got in trouble the next day at school. I wanted to educate my son about content in the media and I kept screeching and screeching, and I haven’t seen him since. Also, my wife left me. I dearly miss the good old days when spOK! sold girl scout cookies, Gumby keychains, and had pictures of the most adorable little puppies. Really some of the cutest things I’d ever seen in my life. And why can’t I order girl scout cookies? Why won’t the mailman come my house anymore? This is entirely your magazine’s fault, and I want compensation, and when I get it, boy howdy, will there be some changes. I’m so lonely.
4 spOK! FALL 2013
S R STA E R ’ Y E TH E K I L T JUS
US!
They don’t
use cones!
They don’t
read directi
ons!
se ut They u
ensils
!
asturba They break m
tion records
!
They w
ear Adi
das!
6 spOK! FALL 2013
Star BUZZ
The Real Microorganisms of the 7th Floor Stacks
Elevator Button, Oct. 1
Gossip, hot off the presses
Campus Cutie
WoodPEC, Oct. 30
ase Sigma Chi brother Ch ague O’Flanahanagan, B-le stows flag football MVP, be GDI an autograph upon a
Samantha, the sassiest Vibrio cholerae, has had enough of Jasmine’s fucking lies and storms away with her flagella
Chomez<333
Cox Hall, Nov. 13
Emory power couple Cindy Chen, the Culture Chair of McTyiere, and WoodPEC cardswiping dreamboat Ralph Gomez share an intimate dinner
FALL 2013 spOK!
7
cover story
“One day, Swoop called me and said that I needed to go to rehab,” Plummet said. “I’ve never considered myself a quitter, but I was running out of nonvital organs to trade.”
ROCK BOTTOM
Plummet’s Battle with
Addiction
Elegance enveloped me as I entered Plummet Eagle’s Druid Hills mansion. I shut the carved wooden door behind me and the resulting thud reverberated off the white marble walls. The celebrity eagle then beckoned me into his study, where I found him reclined upon a magenta chaise lounge. A crystal chandelier was perched above him, illuminating the countless leatherbound tomes that encompassed the room. Without exerting too much effort, Plummet pointed at the nearby Target bean bag chair and instructed me to sit. “This isn’t actually my house,” said Plummet. “I think the owners are on vacation.” I then said a silent prayer hoping the neighbors wouldn’t find my car and alert area law enforcement before beginning the interview proper. “How did your struggles with addiction begin?” I asked. Plummet stirred on his chaise lounge in thought. “It all started back while I was part of ‘Fledglingz II Eaglez’ with Swoop, Dive, and Roger,” he said. “I was hoping to differentiate myself enough to begin a solo career and my manager aptly suggested that I develop an addiction to ketamine, an anesthetic aid for horses,” he continued. Before the age of 20, Plummet had already contributed to three platinum records as a member of the hit band. Though never a fan favorite like Swoop, he was recognized as the second-baddest boy of “Fledglingz II Eaglez”. “Swoop also suggested that I get some frosted tips,” Plummet said. “I didn’t think I could live with myself having frosted tips, so I opted for the ketamine.” Unfortunately, as Icarus before him, Plummet flew too close to the sun in his quest for uniqueness. He awoke three months later to find himself in a dumpster behind the Emory Village CVS. “Fledglingz II Eaglez” had moved on without him. “It was definitely a wake-up call,” he said. “I knew I needed a more buzzworthy addiction that would resonate with the coveted 18-24 age group.” Looking for an answer, Plummet rummaged through the contents of his dumpster abode. After a short while, he said, he discovered the answer to his prayers inside of a month-old edition of the New York Times. “I knew that kids loved crossword puzzles and I also knew that no other celebrity had
Excl us ive
Plummet checked into rehab. The months of juice cleanses and hot yoga changed him, he says. He re-emerged into the world a new eagle. “That’s not completely true,” he said. “For around five months I was addicted to rehab.” But things were looking up. After rehab, Plummet took a humble job as a janitor in the Atlanta headquarters of Delta Airlines. Within three years, he had worked his way up to the top. Some would say that he worked his way up by the sweat of his brow, but, unfortunately, birds don’t have sweat glands. Beloved by the media and the public alike, Plummet ushered in a glorious, new age for the company. He had cast off the spectre of his previous addictions and was now known as the most successful of the “Fledglingz II Eaglez” alumni. The golden age of Plummet wouldn’t last. At the 10-year reunion for the musical group, Swoop pulled Plummet aside to express his admiration. In a modern-day avian recreation of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Swoop brought down the swift dagger of betrayal upon the hapless Plummet. “He said, ‘Hey man, you should check out this Candy Crush game,’” said Plummet. “He wanted me out of the picture for good.” One week later, Plummet was found naked and unconscious underneath the Cox Hall bridge. Nestled next to his beak was an iPhone, displaying level 301 of Candy Crush. “Candy Crush makes ketamine look like Flintstones vitamins,” said Plummet. After being arrested for public indecency, Plummet had a revelation. He needed to exact revenge on Swoop. “I wanted to beat him at his own game,” said Plummet. “I signed with the Spoke with the intent to steal the spotlight away from that smiling bastard.” He hasn’t had much success, he says. He attributed his failure to the subpar humor of The Spoke as well as Swoop’s iron grip on Emory’s marketing department. “In case you were wondering, this is actually Swoop’s house,” he said. “And let’s just say that I’ve been spending time at Emory’s Arsonist Club.” At this point I concluded the interview and bid Plummet a good day. Time will tell whether or not this formerly-beloved avian will return to the spotlight. One thing is for certain, though - my employers don’t pay me enough to deal with unstable, D-list celebrity eagles.
an addiction to entering words or phrases into a grid,” Plummet said. “I recall proudly saying to myself, ‘This is how trends are started.’” For the next three years Plummet made the most of every opportunity to showcase to the media just how addicted he was to crossword puzzles. “I would go to these crazy parties in Buckhead and throw expensive bottles of cognac indiscriminately at celebrities before slipping into the bathroom to do a few hours worth of crossword puzzles,” said Plummet. “This one time I actually knocked Frankie Muniz unconscious with a well-placed bottle of Remy Martin Louis XIII,” he continued.
“Nobody knows my struggle.”
- Plummet
Plummet’s innovative gamble worked. He began to re-emerge into the spotlight, earning a variety of guest appearances on daytime talk shows. He came clean about his crossword addiction on a special episode of The Dr. Oz Show in a performance that brought many a tear to the eyes of stay-athome-parents across America. But just as fame was within his grasp, Plummet says, his life quickly turned into a 10-letter word for a crashed locomotive. “I spent whatever money I had left on crosswords and anything that would improve my diction” he said. “It got to the point where I would dig out puzzles that were already used from the trash.” “You don’t know what it’s like until you’ve sold a kidney just to pay for your next week’s worth of crossword puzzles,” he said. Meanwhile, former “Fledglingz II Eaglez” member Swoop had spun off into a successful solo career as the mascot of the immensely popular Division III sports at Emory University. By 2007, he was one of the most popular mascots in all of college sports, second only to the University of California, Santa Cruz’s banana slug. “One day, Swoop called me and said that I needed to go to rehab,” Plummet said with a sigh. “I’ve never considered myself a quitter, but I was running out of nonvital organs to trade.”
FALL 2013 spOK!
9
before & after
Dalai La e th s es n li o H is Written by H
Sophomore Rex Jiu
n o i t a n r a c Rein
ma XIV
Current Life: Rex is a proud man, and an avid participant in campus life. From his never-ending stream of posted Buzzfeed links on Facebook, to his passion for raising his hand to make inane comments in philosophy class, an otherworldly presence of his ancestors can be felt within him. Past Life: Rex was a preacher, until one day he was battered and berated by the ignorant townspeople. He was beaten to death by an annoyed city guard.
Junior Phil Snyder
Current Life: A mild-mannered brother of Pi Kappa Alpha. To me, he seems to be a simple man, capable of developing the occasional semirational thought. A peaceful soul, certainly, he spends his life like the wind in my former home of Tibet, simply breezing to and fro from hall crawl to hall crawl. Past Life: He spent many years as a common sewer rat in Latin America, and rolled in filth and garbage of humans.
Current Life: A classic Emory non-conformist. His draped black clothing and unkempt hair go well with his copy of “Beyond Good and Evil” (unread, of course). The party life doesn’t seem to really be “him,” but he will always have his candles, unpleasant disposition, and handcuffs. Past Life: Ben was an adorable little hamster, just the cutest little fellow you’ve ever seen! What a cute little hamster!
Senior Ben Cravely
Junior Laura Gravent
Current Life: A peppy sorority sister. The sisterhood courses through her veins like chemical waste down the Guangzhou. Passionate about her social standing, but she will always love her little. Past Life: Laura was a black widow spider who ate her young and her mates for sustenance.
Sophomore AJ Getz
Past Life: In a past life, AJ was a ferocious wolf. Not just any wolf though; he wandered the plains and mountains on his own, the apex predator of the great white north. Feared by all, he was a true lone wolf. Current Life: AJ, a revolting GDI, eats at the DUC alone.
10 spOK! FALL 2013
Star FASHION
On November 30 at 2:28 a.m., Emory fashion police responded to a call from a taxi driver who was returning two students to campus from Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill. Prior to entering the vehicle, the students and the driver settled upon a fixed fare. Upon arrival at Emory, the students refused to pay the fare. Following the dispute, fashion officers arrived, and the students confessed that summer season is over and it’s time to put some sweatshirts over their frat tanks.
They wore what?!
On December 1, 2013, at approximately 10:07 PM, Emory fashion police officers responded to the area of Peachtree Street and Peachtree Drive regarding a traffic collision. Upon arrival, officers discovered a male adult pedestrian who had been struck by a vehicle just after loading luggage into a parked vehicle. According to witness statements, the driver involved is described as a 5’11” male, trying to pull off a scarf indoors as well as a Pompadour haircut from Supercuts. The driver did not stop at the scene and so far no one has offered a full description of his outfit, but it is assumed he was going for a JT vibe from like, two years ago. If the suspect is spotted, civilians should immediately call 111, the emergency fashion hotline, and officers will be on their way with cuffed chinos and a chambray shirt. The pedestrian was immediately transported by paramedics to a local area hospital where he was pronounced deceased.
On December 2, 2013, at approximately 12:51 p.m., Emory Fashion Officers were dispatched to the 112000 block of Peachtree St. regarding an armed robbery. Upon arrival, officers found two adult females and two adult males at the scene, including the robber who was dressed impeccably in plaid flannel, cuffed brown oxfords, and a tasteful statement scarf. After escorting the dapper robber to a safe zone, fashion officers opened fire on the style transgressors, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds. The three victims were transported to a local area hospital. The victims are identified as: • • • Emily Pham (2 gunshot wounds, critical condition), adult asian female, 20-years-old who must have thought she was in Breakfast at Tiffany’s with the LBD she had on. Reality check girl, this is a Kroger! Sarah Clarkson (1 gunshot wound, stable condition), adult black female, 71-years-old in Crocs and a velour jumpsuit. Talk about a hot mess! Ben Fox (9 gunshot wounds and a slap in the face, critical condition), adult white male, 28-years-old in pleated khakis and a cardigan that looks like it had been stored in a moth nest. At the hospital, his grandfather called and asked for his wardrobe back.
FALL 2013 spOK!
11
dramaaaa
WHY DIDN’T ADAM INVIT
A CONCERNED SPOKE REPORTER ASKS:
Adam checks his phone for text messages from a friend WHO ISN’T ME.
Adam, you fucked with the wrong photojournalist.
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS, ADAM?!? You were supposed to be at Zaya 10 minutes ago!
Adam and the mysterious stranger share a meal that will hopefully give them both severe food poisioning.
12 spOK! FALL 2013
VITE ME TO HANG OUT?
Did you forget to do something today, Adam? Did you forget to call someone?
Yeah, sure, Adam. Run away from your problems. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow in Astronomy.
Traitorous Swine!
Hey Judas, are you dreaming of BETRAYAL??? (Shit, I forgot to turn the flash off)
FALL 2013 spOK!
13
horoscope
the forecast: reminding you that your life is controlled by gaseous planets
TAURUS
APRIL 20 - MAY 20 The waxing moon is approaching; everyone will think you look beyond hideous tomorrow.
SEPT 23 - OCT 22 Saturn, Neptune, and the Cox clock tower are all conspiring against you. You must find a way to destroy them. OCT 23 - NOV 21 You’re gonna forget to do that thing you need to do again. You know, that thing with the handcuffs.
LIBRA
GEMINI
SCORPIO
AQUARIUS
MAY 21 - JUNE 21 The pull of Venus is strong on Uranus, making this month the perfect time for risky sexual behaviors. You will probably contract an STD.
JAN 20 - FEB 18 Take care when walking through the WoodPEC; everyone is looking at you. Those guys laughing? They’re laughing at you.
CANCER
JUNE 22 - JULY 22 Life just always seems to suck for you, doesn’t it? Well, nothing is going to change anytime soon.
SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21 The stars are arranged in your favor but if your tea leaves say otherwise, stay indoors and call your mother this weekend. People unexpectedly pass away all the time. Please call. Please.
PISCES
FEB 19 - MARCH 20 Venus is pulling you towards a hot Gemini but don’t give in, because that Aquarius you’ve been best friends with since Songfest is close to putting out.
LEO
CAPRICORN
ARIES
DEC 22 - JAN 19 Seven of the planets are in line but Jupiter royally screwed up your luck this week. Visit CDC.gov for information on avoiding MRSA.
MARCH 21 - APRIL 19 Due to the relative positions of Mars and the B-School this month, that friend that you don’t really like is going to want to hang out. Yeah, they’re still annoying.
JULY 23 - AUG 22 Emory Unplugged isn’t happy about the position of the Moon. Expect connection to drop while uploading important papers, or, more importantly, watching Planet Earth while stoned at 4 am.
VIRGO
AUG 23 - SEPT 22 Everything’s going to go great for you this week, at least, up until the meteor strike.
Jim Wagner’s Happy Fun Quiz: How Successful Will You Be? (a little quiz to see if you’ll outdo those liberal arts shitheads)
Directions: Pick only one answer. Start off at zero points, or whatever number you feel like, man. Actually, mark all that apply. Send results into The Emory Spoke for quality assurance purposes.
1
a) A compulsive neurotic. (+1 point) b) Unable to sit still when someone mentions “networking.” (+2 points) c) Discouraged by directions I do not understand. (-2 points) d) A member of an organization sporting arbitrary Greek letters. If you’re top house, bro, add 3 points. If you’re, like, bottom house, (-3 points.)
I am...
In my spare time, I enjoy...
a)
Berating feminist organizations. (+2 points) b) “Networking.” (+3 points) c) Treating DUC workers like shit. (+3 points) d) Thoughtful conversations with squirrels. (-2 points).
4 5 6 7
Dave “Kensington, Duke of Uppityshire” Stess
Editorial
Editor-in-Chief:
2
a) Make sure that other kids don’t score as well as me by giving them bad advice. (+3 points) b) Help out others when I can. (-3 points) c) Help out others when they ask. (-2 points) d) Cheat off of good students. (+2 points)
When it comes to doing work, I...
c)
a) Am a selfless lover. (-2 points) b) Am a selfish lover. (+1 points) Am concerned with getting into Goizueta or my preferred medical school. (+3 points) d) Fall asleep first. (+1 points)
In bed, I...
Web Editor Nick “Trap Game: George Costanza” Bowman Managing Editor Martin “Siggy Stardust” Sigalow Layout Editor Will “It’s Mags O’clock” Ezor Treasurer Jon “Phight Club” Baird Jacob “This is the Mets’ Year!” Albrecht Dominique “Sketch“ Barfield Greer “So Fetch” Bronson Asha “A$ha” Caslin Connor “Straight Outta Mizzou” Chapman Scott “Costume Squire“ Clanton Georgia “Existential Emory Alert” Davidson Laura “I Walk This Lonely DUC” Flint Jenny “Shutter Shades“ Fu Melrose “Place” Huang David “Skippy” Joannides Jamie “Twitter Champ” Jose Julia “Juicy J” Leonardos Mackenzie “Hella Legit“ Levy Rebecca “Stacks Police” Molinsky Armaan “Spotted” Narani Wilma “Photo credit“ Qiu Andy “JWags is My BFF” Ratto John “Cox Bachelor“ Roofeh Nick “Candy Crusher“ Salinger Mack “Nice Binoculars” Schroeder Josh “Perfect Attendance“ Wentzel Gabi “The Gabbening” Wolozin Tyler “Obligatory Long Islander” Zelinger Eva “4Eva“ Zhang Zack Ketchum Alex Levy Mylan Traylor
Spoke Staff
3
a) Pretends to enjoy talking to others so that I may use them or favors or connections later. (+3 points) b) Sits alone, quietly sipping beer. (-2 point). c) Stands alone, quietly sipping a handle. (-1 point) d) Hits on members of my preferred gender and gets really pissed off when they can’t close the deal. (+2 points)
At parties, I’m the type of person who... When I do a little self-reflection,
I’m still bitter about...
a) Have ink on my hands a lot. (-1 point) b) Chew with my mouth open. (+1 point) c) Sit in Starbucks writing quizzes for publications nobody will read. (-3 points) d) Diagnose my peers with mental disorders. (+2 points)
I tend to...
d)
a) Angela. (-2 points) b) Michael. (-2 points) c) Not getting into UC Long Beach. (+3 points) A DUC worker not having the right type of bread. (+1 point)
TALLY UP YOUR SCORE!
25-35: You’ll get a job right out of college, which is the most important thing ever. 15-25: Feel bad. 5-15: Living above the poverty level is doubtful. 0-5: Drop out. Negative: Submit an application to the Emory Wheel.
Models
“Go Eagles!”
FALL 2013 spOK!
15
