Help Incorporated

Help Incorporated
A Play in Three Acts By Charles McWittig Copyright 2005 Act One Scene One (Three business offices, artificially lit, no view. There is a gap between the second and third offices. There is also a door SR. The office SR is an unholy mess, with papers strewn about the desk, a computer, crumpled paper, several coffee cups, a briefcase, which is stuffed full, a coat thrown over the briefcase on an ergonomic office chair, file folders, books and accordion folders everywhere. No one is inside. The office SL is a model of neatness. A secretary’s desk sits in the gap between offices two and three, with a computer, family photographs and a cardigan sweater draped over a chair. The center office lacks furnishings of any kind. Three men stand within its confines and listen attentively. They are Mel, Norwin and Oliver. All three are in their late forties or early fifties, and savvy businessmen. Norwin is British. A booming, authoritative voice comes from offstage. Occasionally the three look up and around, trying to discern where it is coming from.) McMillion (V.O.) Is everybody in? David? Norwin It’s Norwin, sir. Greetings. McMillion (V.O.) Norwin, of course. Mel? Mel

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Yes, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Ollie? (Oliver nods). I take it then that the man whose name is first on the letterhead Curtis, Israel & Abramson is not with us this morning? It’s too early to be delivering celebratory cookies to the troops, so where could he be? Oliver No, I’m here … here! (He raises his hand.) McMillion Here at McMillion Enterprises we have charted employee productivity trends. In general we are pleased with the increase in what we like to call the conformity factor. You will recall we were written up in the Wall Street Journal for our seminal corporate terminology. Oliver They referred to McMillion as “Team Doublespeak”. Norwin We were the first conglomerate to require a subcutaneous microchip as a condition of employment among our executives. Oliver I believe the article said our employees needed a secret decoder ring to decipher the language required to work at McMillion. McMillion (V.O.)

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Now, now, it couldn’t have been that negative, could it? In any event, at last year’s annual meeting, I announced the pilot program of a Designated Interruption Entertainer to Productivity Concepts. To oversimplify for the purpose of saving time, Mel, this is essentially an employee we will hire and pay to do minimal work on phantom accounts. His real purpose is to attract habitual time wasters into his office and to report back to management on who they are and what they are up to. The purpose would be to identify, isolate and purge the time wasters, thus boosting productivity in the aggregate. In short, PC loved the idea, and I am proud to announce that today you are standing inside the cell of our prototype Designated Interruption Entertainer. (Mel, Norwin & Oliver applaud mildly). Mel? Mel Appropriately enough, you told me that this firm would incubate the Designated Interruption Entertainer while I was playing football with little paper triangles, with Dick Northwoods, at about ten thirty a.m. on a work day. Norwin Unfortunate, what happened to Dick. Mel It had to be done. Time wasters are simply not tolerated at Curtis Israel & Abramson. Oliver Wait … I thought, officially, he resigned. Mel No, not exactly.

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Oliver But there was a resignation letter posted as an attachment to a companywide e-mail – thirty thousand people saw it. (quoting from an imaginary piece of paper) “I will not soon forget the good times and … Mel (finishing for him) … sound business theology I practiced every day of my life at McMillion … Oliver (taking back over) … I regret that it has to end with an unfortunate personal tragedy, the death of my wife.” Of course, she wasn’t his wife at all at the time she croaked. Mel Typically, Dick did not tell you the whole story. She divorced him in 2001. Ugly mess, that was. Oliver Ah yes, say no more. Mel I fired him. How he was hired by this firm remains a mystery. We contested his unemployment claim and enforced the noncompete agreement. Corporate Security drafted the resignation letter as a sort of template to use in such a contingency. Oliver

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But Dick signed it. Mel Of course he did. (Mel laughs). The agreement prevents him from working for any direct competitor in any capacity for seven years. Oliver Is that enforceable? Mel A plurality of appellate judges says it is. Oliver If he was fired for being useless, why wouldn’t you want him working somewhere else? Mel Just not for a direct competitor. Oliver But we’re a multinational conglomerate. We sell everything from paper clips to suitcase nukes to diaper cleaning contracts. Mel Danny should have thought of that before he signed the noncompete, without which we would not have hired him. Oliver Good point.

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Norwin Yes! McMillion (V.O.) Yes, of course. Simple case study of business Darwinism. Mel Yes, yes . . . not to get too far afield … the … Designated Interruption Entertainer will sit in this office and attract others to come to him? Norwin How will he do that? McMillion (V.O.) By sheer force of his personality. Mild entrapment techniques. Our research indicated that an attractive nuisance can be a hazard to others simply by being there. Mel Our Designated Interruption Entertainer has charismatic attributes. Charisma oozes out of every pore, you might say. Norwin One might express a concern here regarding enforcement. Mel Enforcement? Norwin

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How do you plan on enforcing the productivity guidelines? Does our … Designated Interruption Entertainer come with a reporting requirement? Mel Yes, although we’ve found that entrusting what is essentially a rank and file employee with a managerial function is … well, stupid. Therefore, the D.I.E. will function as a normal employee, but he will report to us on a weekly basis, and his office will be monitored with a camera. Oliver Where is it? Mel It is embedded in the wall there. (Points at L. wall) Oliver What if he covers it over with a diploma or something just as useless? Mel We have found in testing this concept that the Designated Interruption Entertainer should not be aware he is being monitored. So we installed it in the wall. As an aside, we at Productivity Concepts have been keeping this office vacant and testing a number of cameras. We even developed a prototype spy cam. I.T. is considering a spin-off. Oliver Wow!

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Norwin (Edging away from Oliver) Where on earth did we find a charismatic entry-level employee? McMillion (V.O.) What? Norwin One who is willing to do entry level work? Listen, it is no great secret that McMillion holds its entry level lawyers in lower regard than it does the typists. Oliver The lowest, in fact, in the company. Mel A fact you make clear, Oliver, when you reward them with cookies every Friday. My interviews yielded a number of good candidates. (Workmen start bringing in a desk, office chair, comfortable chair, bookshelf, telephone and computer, and begin to hook everything up during the ensuing conversation. The office gets cramped, and the workmen jostle the three men until they move the conversation out into the hall.) For the D.I.E. job, that is … recent graduates with a couple of years experience with marginal firms, jaded losers, drunks, the usual menopausal and post-menopausal women. Oliver Ack, not another one.

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McMillion (V.O.) Oliver is right. We do not wish to solidify the reputation as the company where women are finally put out to pasture. The last thing we needed was another old bag. Norwin Would it not be possible to electronically monitor lags in employee productivity instead, somehow? Mel Telephone usage is strictly monitored as you are well aware. However, since we sometimes have to write letters on behalf of members, it leads to inaccurate counts, since some employees claimed to be doing actual legitimate work on those occasions when they were not on the phone. Oliver And there is that damn self-reporting requirement. Some employees close a file a number of times to appear more productive. Mel Yes, there is that, too. (Oliver is jostled by a chair being carried by one of the workmen.) Oliver Watch it, dumbass! We’re on the phone with the president and CEO. (The workman slips away and raises his middle finger after Oliver turns his back.) We should go . . .

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Norwin Do you think, sir, that McMillion is pushing things a bit? I mean, this division is being investigated already. Would a corporate spy in essence bring more unwanted outside attention to Help Incorporated? McMillion (V.O.) I should think something completely internal such as this prototype employee will remain internal and, uh, secretive, and in any event this is a private business and the legality of the Designated Interruption Entertainer has been studied by our own lawyers. Oliver Help Incorporated lawyers? McMillion (V.O.) I mean, our real lawyers. (All three look at each other and laugh after a short pause. McMillion joins in the laughter as well, a booming authoritative laugh that continues after the three have stopped. When they observe McMillion continues laughing, they start up again, timing it so that they stop when McMillion does.) (The workmen finish hooking up the equipment and depart after a collective look at the suits to see what the laughter was about.) Oliver

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(Yelling after them) What do you want, a tip? Go already! (He watches them leave.) That’s why my name’s first on the letterhead, gentlemen. (Pause) We should go. Norwin Are we ready security-wise? Mel Yes, Norwin, we are. The camera is voice and/or motion activated and requires an executive voice command or remote activation to engage. (He speaks into his watch.) Enable! McMillion (V.O.) Okay, gentlemen. Let’s make corporate history! (They exit L. On the way out, Oliver offers “high-fives” to both Mel and Norwin, which they ignore.) Act One Scene Two (Fiona enters SR and flicks the light switch in the far right office. She is in her early- to mid-50s, attractive, thin and petite, with long gray hair. She moves energetically, like a dancer, and is a bundle of focused energy. She removes her coat and tosses it on a credenza. Her occasional smile poorly conceals the fact that she does not have a sense of humor. There are books and papers everywhere. Efficiently and dead-seriously, goes to several of the piles of case files, opens them and looks inside before abandoning them. She sits in her office chair, bolt-upright, and turns on her computer. She puts on her headset, hits a few computer keys, dials the phone.) Fiona

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Hello, this is Help Incorporated returning your call. Please give us a call back at your earliest convenience. (She hits a few computer keys, dials again.) Hello, this is Help Incorporated returning your call. Please give us a call back at your earliest convenience. (She repeats the procedure; hits a few computer keys and dials phone again.) Hello, this is Help Incorporated … yes, it is seven twenty-one a.m. … I am returning your call. Sir, you called about a legal matter, a problem you are having with warranty coverage on your Buick? Yes, you bought it used? And what type of warranty was it? You don’t know. Was there a sticker in the window? Yes? What did it say? “As-is, no warranty.” What fell out? (Pause) Sir, the engine is not covered. Neither is the rear bumper. Yes, you do need those to drive … (Pause) If it’s not really a warranty call, what is it? You got rear-ended? Okay … Did you complete an accident report? With the police? Wait wait wait … you want to sue whom? The man who sold you the car? What about the other driver? He left? Did you exchange information? (Pause) Sir, you’re not making any sense. Please be quiet for one second! Sir, if you are not hurt, you don’t know who the other driver is and you didn’t complete an accident rep … Your neck hurts and you have headaches? You weren’t driving? (becoming increasingly more agitated) Look, sir, call the police in the city where the accident hap … (pause) Sir, if this happened seven years ago there is nothing you can do. Yes, I realized you just joined our service and you wanted to give it a try, but there is nothing legally you can do. No, I cannot get a lawyer to represent you at this time. Because you’re still provisional with us … and you don’t have a case. You need to follow procedures after an accident, sir. (pause) That’s all right, sir, call again anytime. (Fiona disconnects, types. Throughout the rest of the scene, when she is not speaking, she pantomimes working, the same routine. While she is doing this, Gary enters SR, carrying a box of books and office supplies. He is in his 30s, well-dressed and groomed, but still manages to have a down-at-the-heels, almost sad look about him. He is attractive, not quite athletic. He removes his

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books and supplies from the box, puts them on the available furnishings haphazardly. He looks for a place to hang a photograph, studies the wall where the camera is, takes out a small hammer and a bag of nails. He hangs the photograph over the camera hole. Oliver enters SL with a box of cookies.) Oliver First day? Gary (Enthusiastically) Oliver, how are you? Oliver (He is in a jovial mood) Good, Gary, good … just wanted to see if you are getting settled in. (Looks around, notices photograph, winces) Yes, very good. Did they tell you if you’re going to hang a picture to use the existing nail holes, if any? Gary Nobody’s told me anything yet. Oliver (Sits in comfy chair) Yes, well, Suzette will be down to get you started. You will function as one of them, but just remember to have your report on my desk by five every Friday. Gary No problem.

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Oliver Just pretend like you’re working. Let the slackers come to you. Then later we can have lunch. That will kill a couple of hours. Gary What do these people do again? Oliver It’s like a legal helpline type of operation. You’ve seen these call-in shows, “The Law and You,” like that? This is just like that. Your grandmother could handle most of these calls. Yet somehow they make it difficult. Not to worry. You won’t be taking calls anyway, unless you want to. I don’t know why you would want to, though. Most of these members are just looking for someone to talk to, you know what I mean? Gary Okay. (Ivy enters SR and sits at secretary’s desk, notices Oliver and Gary talking, does a double-take at Gary. Ivy opens purse and removes a compact and applies face powder, checks hair, teeth and nails. She is small, thin, wiry and feisty. She enters Gary’s office.) Ivy (Too quickly) Is this the new victim? Gary (Rising) Hi.

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Oliver (Rising, with considerable difficulty, and quite put out) Ivy will be your secretary. Well, not your secretary … she does the typing for about fifteen Title One attorneys.

Gary What’s Title One? Ivy Oh, you’ll see. Want to see pictures of my kids? Gary Your kids? Ivy Tyler, Daniel, Justin and Jason. Gary (Looks her over, struggles for something nice to say.) Four kids and you still have a figure? (Oliver bristles.) Ivy (To Oliver) This one can stay. Oliver Gary, I should let you get settled in and let Ivy get back to work (He glares at Ivy). If you have any questions, pick up the phone and dial 1-2-3.

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Gary That’s your extension? (He begins to write on a scrap of paper) Oliver Oh no, that’s Suzette’s. Title One employees do not have direct access to the partners. That would be perceived as overly familiar.

Gary Ah. Oliver Something about the corporate chain of command breaking down. Gary Okay. Oliver Just get settled in and I’ll send Suzette down to show you how everything works. (Winks) (Oliver looks at picture again, adjusts it, exits SL) Ivy You made an impression on Oliver. He usually doesn’t come down here on a Title One’s first day.

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Gary Really? Ivy We hardly see him at all on this floor. He’s usually out taking care of his apartments or off somewhere. Sometimes he’ll bring us cookies on Friday. Gary He has apartments? Ivy Yeah, he’s a slumlord. He pays us just enough to be able to afford the rent on one of his apartments, too. See how it works? He keeps it all. Anyway, he’s a dick, don’t worry about him. Have you met Fiona? (Ivy goes over to Fiona’s office and drags her into Gary’s office) Fiona, this is our new Title One attorney, Gary … Gary Webb. Ivy Gary. Fiona Hello. Let me know if you need anything. I have to get back to work. (Fiona returns to her office, puts on headset, resumes miming her routine.) Ivy

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I can show you how to turn it on. Gary What? Ivy Your computer. Gary Oh. No … thanks, I can figure out that one myself. (Ivy exits Gary’s office. Ivy returns to her desk, dials frantically and talks into phone so that she thinks Gary cannot hear. A short conversation. Gary sits at his desk and turns on computer. Ideally, whatever is on his screen should appear as a projection on a screen at C above the stage. This would be the computer booting up. Gary is not sure what else to do. He takes a copy of a magazine from his briefcase, sits back and starts reading. Suzette enters SL. She is in her late 40s with short hair dyed blonde, attractive. She is trying to make the most of her remaining sexuality, which was once considerable, and is moderately successful. Her accent is vaguely southern.) Suzette Hello, Gary. Gary You must be Susan. Suzette Suzette.

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Gary Suzette, sorry. (Suzette hands Gary a few papers). Suzette You will need to fill these out and get them back to me sometime this week. (She looks around. Stares at picture.) The partners tell me you are so advanced that you will not require any training. Gary Just turn me on and watch me go, eh? Suzette Do you know how to get into the system? Gary Don’t know anything yet. (Suzette comes over behind the desk and pushes her frame in between Gary and his desk so that her buttocks are at his eye level. Gary watches, momentarily frozen and mildly aroused, then rises and stands L of desk.)

Suzette (Quickly) You just double-click on this icon and that gets you into the Title One menu. From there you can access the active screen. These are people who still need to be called back. They are categorized according to urgency of call, time, subject matter of call and member status. One nine

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eight four means they just joined us and so you’re not really allowed to tell them anything or do anything for them. Gary Nothing? Suzette Not until their credit clears. Gary How will I know when their credit clears. Suzette The system changes them over. Gary The system works on credit, I see. (Suzette looks at him, unsure.) Suzette Just try to answer their questions as best you can. If they need a letter written, write a letter. If it’s warranted. Gary How will I know if it’s warranted? Suzette If you’re not sure, dial one two three. That’s my extension – and I’ll tell you.

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Gary I wouldn’t go to the partners for something like that? Aren’t they lawyers? And isn’t the merit or non-merit of a legal correspondence a legal determination not to be entrusted to a lay person such as yourself? Suzette (Pauses. She likes Gary’s feisty personality.) Also, if you want to lay a person, all you need to do is ask. Gary Really? Suzette As a Title One attorney, you only have limited powers. I can determine if your action is covered under the contract. Gary What contract? What’s Title One? Suzette That’s what you do. It’s all in those papers. If you need a legal answer, here is your binder. (She crosses to bookshelf, touching Gary’s shoulder, picks up a thin binder and shows it to him. Gary returns to his chair.) Most of the law, and therefore the questions you will get, are covered in here. (She tosses it to him.) Gary So much for three years of law school … but wait, let’s get back to this lay thing.

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(Ivy rises and surreptitiously moves closer to hear this.) Suzette Gary, don’t get fired on your first day. (Suzette smiles. She exits L with as coquettish a “bump” out the door as she can manage. Gary watches her.) (Ivy waits for her to leave, then enters Gary’s cube.) Ivy I’d watch what you say to her. She’s a real bitch. Gary I think she just propositioned me. Ivy It’s possible. She takes it where she can get it these days. If I weren’t married, I would go after you myself. (She is flirting shamelessly.) Even so, be careful. My husband’s 51 and I’m 35 and he doesn’t always want to, if you know what I mean. Gary I’m living with my girlfriend. We might as well be married. Ivy That doesn’t matter to Suzette. (Lynne and Melody enter from SR. Lynne is short and heavyset. Melody is taller and thinner, but is also beginning to thicken with age. Both are in their late 30s. They bypass Ivy to get into Gary’s office.) Lynne

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So, you’re the new Title One. Melody A bunch of us are going out after work on Friday. Do you want to come? Gary Okay, sure. Lynne Where do you come from? Gary What? Lynne Where did you work before you came here? We all had some experience in the law … Ivy Yeah, usually miserable … Lynne … before we came to work here. (Lynne and Melody stare icily at Ivy until she leaves the office.) Melody was with the D.A.’s office. I was with the Public Defender’s office, the Human Rights Commission, and I do volunteer work for the ACLU on occasion. Melody

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(Coquettish) She’s extremely conservative. (She laughs nervously.) Gary I worked in a Third World sweatshop. I handled civil rights cases. Sometimes they would send me out to court on cases I was even less qualified for. (All three laugh nervously.) Melody A lot of us go out together after work. You can come too if you want. Lynne We like new blood. Melody Title One work is probably different than what you’re used to. Lynne It’s more volume than you’re used to. Gary I don’t know. I had a pretty big caseload at my old firm. But what is it that we’re supposed to do, exactly? I’ve heard about this Title One but I have no idea what it is. Lynne It’s in the contract.

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Melody Just answer their questions. That’s all you can do. I wish we could do more for these people, but we can’t. The contract delineates what we can do. Lynne It’s not quite that simple. (To Gary) Didn’t you train with anyone? Gary I…

Melody They probably just showed him how to turn on his computer and find Title One. They don’t know what they’re doing. Lynne They don’t know. Melody (Talking to Lynne now) I went to Suzette with a Title One call. The guy had exhausted every possible Title One benefit and he had his hearing in front of the judge coming up. We tried everything to resolve it. But Suzette wouldn’t let me take it as a Title Three case myself. I could have got him off. So I went to Mel and he calls Suzette in! So he just listened to Suzette talk and said she was right. She’s not even a lawyer. She shouldn’t be making legal decisions. I could have got him off.

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Gary What’s …? Melody What are these people paying us a fee every month for if we can’t go in and represent them as their lawyers? Lynne What was the charge? Melody Leaving the scene of an accident. And then it morphed into a civil rights police brutality case. Lynne It morphed? Melody The member claims the police hit him with a Taser and a choke hold, and threw him through the window of the cruiser. Lynne Does he have a defense? Melody He had to pee. (All three laugh) Gary What’s Title Three?

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Melody It’s in the contract. So, do you want to go out with us after work on Friday or what? Lynne Someone told me you used to work for Leonard O’Boyle. Gary Yes, only it was under the guise of “Your Law Firm”. He didn’t want his name on the letterhead because he figured the authorities would not be able to find him and potential clients would not know he had gone to jail. Lynne (Looking at the portrait of Karl Marx. She is just noticing it.) Why do you have a picture of Karl Marx on your wall? Gary It’s Moses Mordecai Levy. Lynne Karl Marx’s real name. Are you a Communist? Gary (Raises right hand) I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the … Melody Oh, leave him alone.

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Lynne Communism is still the enemy. (She does not sound convincing.) What about China? Cuba? Gary It’s just a cool picture, that’s all. I’m still a capitalist pig lawyer down in my soul, where it counts. (He thumps his chest.) Melody Well, you are now officially working for the classic pyramid scheme operation. The thousands of members spend money hoping to get some help. The name of the company explicitly promises help. The money gets collected regularly in the form of monthly dues conveniently charged to their credit cards. We get paid like serfs. In the end, Bill McMillion is the only one getting rich. (She constructs an air pyramid.) The only one. Lynne I like to think we fight for the little guy. Melody (To Gary) Watch out for Suzette. Anything you say to her goes right to Mel Israel. Lynne I don’t have a problem with Mel. (Starts to leave.) Gary, come down to my office later and I’ll train you. If it’s okay with Suzette, that is. Gary

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Yeah, I don’t really like non-lawyers telling me I can or can’t do something. I think I’ll just wait for instruction from Mel or Oliver. Melody You’ll be waiting a long time. Anyway, it gets filtered through Suzette. (She thinks.) What a bitch. Well, anyway, I hope you go out with us after work on Friday. Gary I will. That sounds good. (Lynne and Melody exit.) (Ivy enters.) Ivy Melody has the hots for you. Gary What? How do you know? I haven’t even been here that long. I think I should get to work. Ivy Mel is coming down to see you. Gary How do you know? Ivy He buzzed and asked if you were in.

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Gary There’s probably not much going on around here that you don’t know. Ivy Oh yeah. Working for fifteen lawyers, you hear everything. Believe me. Gary But we’re not real lawyers. Or so I’m told. Ivy You got the degree. You passed the bar. You make more than me. You’re a lawyer. You also don’t need to come in this early. Gary I don’t? Ivy Nine-thirty’s fine. Gary Oh. … It sounds like we’re more psychiatrists than lawyers. Ivy Some of the members do have some whacked-out issues. Some of them keep calling back. You’ll get to know them in time. I hear some of these people are calling from the pay phone at the nut house.

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Gary Is that so? Ivy I don’t know. I just type letters. (Mel enters, walks into Gary’s cube.) Mel I see you’re getting settled in. Gary Yes. Mel Ivy will be your typist. Give her all of your letters. Get back to … (He turns to where Ivy was standing, but she is already seated at her desk. Her cell phone rings. She answers, whispers something into the mouthpiece and disconnects. She resumes typing.) Do you have a headset? Gary I don’t … Mel (Aware Ivy is listening.)

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Ivy, get Gary a headset. (Ivy exits.) Welcome to the firm. If you need anything, Suzette will be happy to help you. Just buzz her. Also Ivy. Now, I know, and you have been told that you are not strictly a Title One. Of course, you are free to do the Title One work if you want.

Gary I would get bored if I didn’t do something, but what’s Title One? Mel Go onto your computer and start calling our members back. Help them with whatever legal problems they might have. If you call somebody with a problem outside of your area of expertise, we have three floors of lawyers here you can ask. If none of that dissuades you, you are welcome to do all the work you want and frankly, we need every warm body we can get. Gary So these members are our clients? Mel Not in a technical sense … they are our clients in every sense except the ones that can get this firm sued for malpractice. You will not be held to any production quotas or standards here. There are 35,000 members in this state alone. Any one of them can call with a legal question anytime they want. Our attorneys have to close cases. Gary What does that mean?

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Mel Resolve the member’s issue. Gary In a phone call? Mel It can be done. Sit and listen to some of the pros here: Fiona, who you have the good fortune of being across the hall from; Danny, people like that. If you want to, that is. But you’re management. You’re one of us. Let the poor people do the work. Gary I always thought that a legal issue was not susceptible of being resolved in a phone call. That litigation, by its very nature, was long and complex. (Pause, as Mel regards Gary) Mel You’re a special case, Gary. Your task, really, is to identify habitual time wasters in the office and report it to us so that they can be dealt with accordingly. You’re not subject to the same production standards and quotas as the other attorneys. Gary How do you measure production? Mel At first we used the honor system. Lawyers self-reported. That didn’t work, so we monitored closes and telephone

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usage electronically. An attorney could still cheat the system as far as closes, but electronic monitoring the telephone ensures that calls are kept to a reasonable length, and that there are enough of them. Gary So, why do you need me? Mel Many of our attorneys claim to be doing legitimate work on behalf of a client, which should be Title Three work, instead of trying to allay their fears over the telephone, which is the real purpose of Help Incorporated. Gary I have no idea what you just said, but the gist of it is that I’m a hall monitor.

Mel You are if you want to continue working here. Gary I can’t argue with the money you’re paying me. I’ve already accepted the offer. I’m here. So, okay. It’s just … Mel Yes? Gary I’d like to … do some of the telephone work. I think it would keep my legal skills sharp.

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Mel I don’t know how sharp you’ll get, but we can always use help on the phones. Gary And I think it would help me fit in a little better. Mel Sure. Gary I would feel like I was earning my salary. Mel You’ll earn it doing your job. It’s okay, though. Take it easy. You’re one of us. Gary I am? Mel You’re classified as middle-management G-thirteen for purposes of our unified corporate salary scale. Gary I’m honored. Mel As befits someone who has Karl Marx hanging on his wall.

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Gary How do you … ? Mel It’s one of the things they teach you in school. (Pause) You’re one of us now. Try not to screw it up. (Mel exits.) Blackout Act One Scene Three (Gary is in the office L with Danny, Alex and Darrell. Darrell is tall and handsome and moves easily despite his large frame. He has wavy hair and is the very essence of insouciance. He is a trust fund baby who always dresses well. He is about 30. Danny and Alex are about ten years older, roughly Gary’s age. Danny is well-groomed and athletic. He is the alpha male of this group by virtue of the fact that this is his office and because he appears to be the oldest. It is a corner office, slightly than Gary’s or Fiona’s, with enough room to seat four of them comfortably. They are drinking beer. Alex is tall and thin, with a nervous tic, a facial twitch.) Darrell (Addressing Gary) How was your first week? Gary Oh, pretty good, I guess. Danny

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You have met Darrell? (Attempting a Scottish accent) Darrell McElroy. Starting at left striker for the Scottish national team, with right near fifty stone in his pockets as we speak! Darrell (Laughs slightly) How do you like the work? Getting to work next door to Danny would be reward enough for me. Gary I’ve only been here a week. It’s hard to say, really. Darrell The job may suck, but how about the babes? You can’t put that kind of benefit in terms of dollars and cents. (Pauses to gauge Gary’s reaction, which is flat.) You get to work next door to my spicy Greek moussaka. Gary Fiona? (Wants to join in and be “one of the guys”) I’d do her. Darrell I would have liked to have seen her thirty years ago, before all that gray hair and saggage. She still has a nice rack for a woman that old. I’d still like to bend her over my desk and give her one of these. (He stands and does an ass-slapping pantomime, as if “taking” her from behind. All four laugh.) Gary She seems like she has issues with some of the members. And she’s loud. Danny

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She doesn’t know the law that well. She just tells these members things to get them off the phone. That’s why she gets more closes than anyone. She’s also relentless. She’s on the phones all day, doesn’t take a break. Everybody develops their own style, Gary. Darrell Alex, what do you think of my sweet little Greek pastry? (Alex rises and does the ass-slapping pantomime, but looks painfully awkward in comparison to Darrell. Darrell and Gary join in.) Danny See, Gary? You’re already getting the hang of this place. I’d give it six months. Then we’ll find out how you really handle the relentless avalanche of petty little I guess you can call them legal problems you encounter on a daily basis. Gary Six months, Danny? I’m not sure I could make it that long. Alex (Drawing closer to Gary as he speaks.) The partners treat you like shit. Worse than receptionists. Darrell They need the receptionists. They’re the first line of defense. Danny The Help Incorporated lawyer is the lowest form of life. It’s an eternal debate. I’ve been here for five years and I think

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they’re both treated like shit. (Pause) We need to move this party into a bar.

Alex (Sits) Any suggestions? Darrell PPD Friday Happy Hour baby! Alex How about Shenanigans? Danny I don’t know. You tend to get your big eaters there. What do you think, Gary? Gary I always thought Shenanigans had a good happy hour. One of the best in the city. Darrell Not enough poontang action there. I vote for PPD. As always, Danny casts the deciding vote. Danny PPD is a good call. Stick with the old reliable. Alex

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Let’s finish these first. Darrell Alex, you live with your parents. Who has the best happy hour for picking up poon? Danny Wait, I live with my parents, too. Doesn’t my vote count? Alex Shenanigans. Danny No matter where you go in this town, you’re still going to get your typical, uneducated, underdressed, overweight, rude, gum-snapping, mean-spirited, no culture pig. I want a girl in her twenties who plays tennis, has some sophistication, reads a book every once in a while, and doesn’t wear cutoff and expose a bare midriff at the movies so that you can see rolls of … (He breaks off in disgust.) Gary Well, Danny, we’re about the same age. You’re probably a little older than me … Darrell Danny went to school in the sixties. Gary Why can’t you find somebody your own age? You too, Alex. I did.

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Alex, Danny They’re even worse. Gary Oh no, I beg to differ. I love women in their forties and fifties. I like them like our Fiona. When they’re that hot …

Darrell She has a boyfriend. Gunther or Klaus or Dirk or something like that. He builds robots. He’s an engineer. He figures if he sticks around long enough she will make him a citizen. Gary A German robotics engineer. Isn’t that a cliché? Alex Good looking women can get any job they want. Then you have your Harvard and Yale grads. Where does that leave the rest of us? Stuck in a dead-end job like this, talking to losers and nutballs and scumbags all day long. You get paid next to nothing and in the end you can’t even say you got experience going to court because we’re not representing these losers. I’m just putting this job on the old resume and that’s it. Gary It seems like we work for more of a suicide hotline than a law firm. Darrell

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What about our credo of helping the little guy and legal access for all? Alex Whoever said that never had to work calling these uneducated losers all day long. (He is becoming clearly agitated.) Danny Have another beer, Alex. Darrell I figure I can do this easy shit for awhile until I’m ready to go to another firm. Danny And this general understanding throughout the company that we don’t represent these people. Somebody should challenge that. Gary It seems to me that we do represent the members. They call us, we give them advice. Isn’t that a lawyer-client relationship? Alex Do you really want to represent these people? Danny

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Well, it’s just a thought. But I was reading the Wealthy Man’s Guide to Investing. You have to take risks. (Pause.) So, if we were of a mind to start our own practice, we would break off and we would have an instant client base. Alex Of members? Danny Well, sure. Listen … legally there is nothing stopping us from writing to the members and informing them we’ve moved our practice. They would have the choice of coming over to our firm or staying here. Alex Except that we haven’t moved. We’re here. And we’re stuck here. Darrell I don’t want to do this paid-in-advance legal shit.

Danny We wouldn’t. We would all identify good cases that we want to keep and start out that way. Save the names and addresses and when it’s time to move, send out a general correspondence. Gary You want to risk your job because you read a book?

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Danny It’s just something to think about for the future. Alex is right. There is not future in this firm. Alex Mel’s daughter is already in law school. Darrell Now she’s pretty sweet. I’d like to party with her. And she’s got the money to support me. Alex Do you think one of us is going to make partner before she does? I vote for stealing Help Incorporated’s clients. Danny I don’t remember putting it up for a floor vote, but so do I. Darrell I guess I’ll go along with the herd. Danny You should. Your trust fund is going to pay for all of this. Darrell Hey! Back off! No touchy the piggy banky. Alex Let’s go out and celebrate this.

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Danny Gary, what’s your vote? Gary I don’t think I’ve been here long enough to offer an opinion. I like it here so far. Compared to where I was, the money is good … Alex It is? Gary … and I like the work. You don’t have to go to court and get your hair mussed. Danny You must have a thing for women in their fifties. You know this firm is where they go when they get put out to pasture. This is the pasture. Gary What about us? Danny We’re it. Gary Anyway, they’re not all over fifty. Melody looks to be a little under forty. Darrell

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Yeah, she’s about as good as it gets as far as attorneys here go. And that’s not good. Alex Let’s go. I need to forget about these losers for a while. (Rises) Come on, Danny. (Danny reaches up and switches off his computer.) Danny Coming, Gary? Gary No, I’ve got to get home. My significant other wants to go out tonight and I have to get a little bit sober before I walk in the door. Thanks anyway. Danny Six months. Gary What? Danny I give it six months. Usually after six months on the phones, dealing with the relentless problems of the members day after day, you see the Title I attorneys’ attitudes start to change. You come to a great divide around that time. You either keep giving legal advice, deal with their problems, or you become one yourself. We’ll see in six months if you’re still as enamored of this place as you are now. Alex

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Let’s go! (Danny rises and they all begin to file out. Gary returns to his office.) See you next week … if you’re still here, that is. Gary Adios. I might stop by … what … PPD later? Alex Probably. I plan on being passed out by then. Gary (Laughs slightly) Good night, all. (Danny, Alex and Darrell exit R. Gary turns on his computer; with some momentary difficulty, he begins typing. Along with Gary’s monologue, the following should appear on a viewing screen above the stage.) Memo … to Mel Israel from Gary Webb … I have … correlated (He is pleased with himself) the data from our proprietary system … i.e., number of closes … and have made some preliminary findings. Clearly, Fiona is a superior producer … twenty-seven closes today alone … She would be here now if she were scheduled on Fridays. Her four-day weekly totals exceed those of any other Title I attorney who works all five days of the week. One wonders about the quality of her legal advice. She seems to spend most of her time berating people … however, member complaints against her are in line with staff averages … It may be unreasonable to expect a staff full of Fionas as she appears … tireless … relentless in her desire to bring down the number of calls … (Pauses. Looks over his work.) New paragraph … there is a move afoot to steal Title I clients … those with good, viable cases … I would decline to name those involved … until such time as I have determined that it is not just … an idle threat … but rather a bona fide …

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conspiracy … By far the biggest time wasters among the Title I attorneys … are … (Melody enters from R. Gary abruptly hits buttons on his machine and shuts it down. The above-stage screen goes blank.) Melody Hey.

Gary Hi Melody. Melody I can’t believe you’re still here. Trying to make a good impression in your first week? Gary Well … Melody Mel is the one you have to impress. He runs H.I. It’s his baby. And he gets his reports from Suzette. Oliver is the hatchet man. (She advances. Sees beer bottle on Gary’s desk and takes a long swig from it.) And confidentially, it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you get your ten closes a day. Unless you totally suck, you won’t get fired. The need people on the phones. (She leans over front of desk seductively.) Gary I don’t suck.

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Melody I thought you were going out after work. Gary I was, but I got held up. I owe Mel something … a report. Melody So dedicated. Can’t it wait? The partners aren’t going to read it tonight, or maybe ever. They weren’t even here today. Or maybe Norwin was, I think … But he has nothing to do with Title I … oh, come on and loosen up a little. We’re all in this together. (She comes around to behind desk.) What are you working on? That’s a blank screen. Gary I know … I … (Gary is clearly becoming uncomfortable.) Melody (Sits on Gary’s lap, facing him, arms around his neck.) Can’t … resist … Gary You’re pretty friendly for a D.A. Melody I’m not a D.A. anymore. It’s a dead end job, and my heart was always with the accused, anyway. Gary I have a girlfriend.

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Melody That’s inadmissible, counsel. (She kisses him. Gary quickly weakens and they embrace and kiss.) (Blackout) Act Two Scene One (Mel, Norwin and Oliver stand in Gary’s office. Norwin and Oliver wear suits. Mel wears upscale business casual. All hold drinks. In the office, disorderly stacks of papers have sprouted up everywhere. The bookcase is overflowing with loose, stacked papers threatening to bulge out and cascade onto the floor. The Karl Marx picture is gone. The office now looks dirty and lived-in.) Mel Our stock is up over forty. A new high. We have hired ten new Title One associates in the past six months. That is a net amount, with several having been fired along the way. We have taken over three floors in this building. It is still not enough. Oliver, your name is first on our letterhead. What do you make of all this recent success? Oliver I say there is still room for growth. Statewide, we have almost fifty thousand members. But our sales associates keep signing up more. Norwin What about retention rates? Mel

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My friend, according to headquarters, we have a twenty percent retention rate on new members. That is after one year, relatively unchanged from the three-month figure. Norwin So in otherwords, sometime within the first three months, we lose four out of every five new members, on average. Oliver Our role is to administer the contract, not to worry about numbers. We get paid the same regardless. Besides, twenty percent retention is pretty good considering the worthlessness of the service. Mel Life is good. Norwin What about the homeless chap who’s been parading around town with the Help Incorporated Is A Fraud sign?

Mel I spoke with him, listened to his story. He made a compelling case for keeping the mentally ill institutionalized. Did you know he was sold H.I. in an institution? Oliver Oh? Mel

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He was in Wellhaven for drug rehab, heard our sales pitch from another short-timer and decided to sign on. This sales associate made a tape inside the joint with a camcorder and a script encompassing all the benefits of the service, as per the sales bible, crammed a bunch of people into the TV room and popped the tape in. Norwin Did it work? Mel Closed ninety percent. (Laughs.) Oliver Some of these sales associates get the people worked up into a frenzy. It’s like a revival meeting. Once you get some of these yoms whooping and hollering “unfair” and “stick it to the man”, you can sell them a shoebox full of shit. Norwin So, this chap was sold a bill of goods by our sales associate … Mel Not ours. Remember they are independent and therefore the company, and more importantly, we are immune from any lawsuits. Norwin He was sold a bill of goods by a sales associate. He became dissatisfied with the service, and now he is complaining to upper management. (Pause) Who handled the intake?

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Mel Gary Webb. Norwin Our spy? Mel, Oliver Shhh! Mel Be quiet. Fiona is committed. (All three laugh.) Norwin I don’t need this. I have my own practice. I only signed on with H.I. because of the potential for enormous profit at low risk. Now we have a spy into his sixth month of employment, and he is getting complaints? Mel Nothing we can’t handle. Oliver They all get complaints.

Norwin

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I did not support Gary Webb handling members. The risk was too great for fraternization. You see him now, he’s already bedded Melody, he’s mates with some of his colleagues. Do you think these people will ever show up in his weekly reports? Mel I find his reports incomprehensible lately (Looks at Oliver) in any event. Oliver Are you two saying the Designated Interruption Entertainer is a failed experiment? Mel What do you think? Oliver I don’t know. I’m busy with my apartments. He seems to be somewhat unstable to me. An unstable individual who fucks women we could be fucking has no place in an office setting. It’s … I don’t know … disruptive or something. Mel We can’t have that. Norwin We can’t even have the “or something.” Oliver Gary Webb has no place in a position of responsibility with this company.

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Mel But you would let him talk to members on the phone? Oliver Oh, absolutely. Norwin Sure. Mel His six month evaluation is coming up. Oliver, why don’t you administer that? Tell him the reports are now needed only once a month, and in skeleton form at that. We’ll phase him out. Norwin, you dictate a memo to McMillion and let him know the experiment has failed. Have Suzette type it up for confidentiality purposes. Norwin She doesn’t type. Mel She’ll type this if I tell her to. We will initiate video surveillance of his office. I had him take down the offensive wall art shortly after he got here. Oliver Karl Marx. I never heard of such a thing. Norwin

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(To Mel) He … knows something. Mel No, he doesn’t. And even if he does, so what? Oliver What’s there to know? That he’s a Communist? Mel, Norwin (Quickly) Nevermind. Norwin This office is a sty. It reflects badly on corporate … and on the firm. Oliver But instead of telling McMillion that the experiment has failed, tell him the failure was in personnel. That way, the chief executive of a Fortune five hundred company doesn’t have to be reminded that his pet project failed. Mel He will want to hire someone else. Oliver So, we hire someone else. My mother can handle these calls. There’s no shortage of lawyers willing to work for next to nothing. Mel

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Payroll is our biggest expense. If there was a way to cut it, we would. Oliver We grow, we keep hiring new people to work the phones. Norwin Pardon me, but don’t all our new Title One attorneys start out quickly and then gravitate toward the middle? Don’t they all seem to level off to a point of doing just enough to get by? Mel Numbers don’t lie. We already pay them at or near the bottom of the salary scale. If we pay more and draw better people to this firm, they will still gravitate to the mean. And they’ll become discouraged with the work more quickly. I do not think hiring better lawyers is the answer. We need a different spy. Norwin What about his salary? Oliver Bust him down to Title One. Thirty-two thousand a year. He’s still making more than the female Title One attorneys. Of course, an office full of Fionas would end this discussion. Works for nothing, keeps her mouth shut, busts ass and goes home. Mel Why can’t they all produce like her?

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Norwin Nice figure, too, for a woman … you know what I mean. Mel Our age? Norwin Yes. Mel Put that thought out of your mind. Oliver That’s what our intake receptionists are here for. Mel Yes, our intake receptionists. Norwin Have either of you ever done an intake on one of our girls? Mel No. Oliver That would be sexual harassment. (All three laugh.) To sexual harassment (Raises a toast. All three finish off their drinks.) Mel

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To money. Norwin To the Bank of Rothschild! (Blackout) Act Two Scene Two (Danny, Gary and Fiona are seated at their desks talking on their phones. Ivy sits at her desk, talking on the phone. During the scene, Darrell, Alex and Lynne walk back and forth about the stage, talking on cell phones.) Gary Sir, are you telling me that you have inside information …

Fiona You can walk over to the magistrate’s office and file it yourself … Gary … that could bring down the stock price of your employer? Fiona … even if you can’t read or write English. Danny

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If your neighbor comes into your house at night and enters your bedroom and just watches you sleep, that’s still breaking and entering. What I suggest you do is go file a criminal complaint with the police. Alex You were doing ninety in a thirty-five zone? Fiona We can’t get you a lawyer. We are lawyers. We are here to give you legal advice. Alex Your license was under suspension for DUI? Fiona The lawyer we would get for you would charge you more in fees than you would recover from the defendant. Alex Your car hit a parked car?

Darrell I told her the law is just a way to make a living. Fiona You may not even win. Darrell

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I don’t need to work. Alex And you fled the scene. Fiona Sir, I don’t know why you’re paying us a fee every month. Perhaps you should ask the sales associate who sold you the membership. Gary You can disclose this information to the SEC. There’s a whistleblower law that protects you. Alex I don’t see you driving again legally for a while. Gary Securities and Exchange Commission. Danny I know you don’t feel safe. It’s the age we’re living in, ma’am.

Ivy You were supposed to pick up Daniel after school today. He sat there waiting and waiting and waiting. You know he runs off with his friends God knows where when you don’t show up on time to pick him up.

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Darrell I can do this easy shit for awhile. What do you say, PPD tonight? Danny I know your problems seem far removed from the world at large, ma’am, but if you just look at the big picture … right … you just want this person not to come into your house at night … What? … She sends you obscene faxes at work? Gary If the auditors haven’t disclosed it … Ivy You violated our custody arrangement. (To group.) Hey guys, didn’t he violate the custody arrangement? What can I do to enforce it? (No one responds.) You’re the one who wanted this! (Pause) I’m going to the Judge! (She disconnects and dials again.) Gary (Mutes phone.) (Loudly) I’m going to be rich! (All pause for a moment and regard Gary, then resume their conversations.) Alex I know you have to drive to get to work. To get your license restored, first contact the DOT and request a restoration requirements letter …

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Danny It’s never easy to admit these things. You don’t feel safe. None of us feels one hundred percent safe. Fiona My name is Fiona. Ivy He’s in a mood today. Fiona It’s certainly your right to file a complaint against me with H.I. I’ll even give you the number. Well, sir, it’s the reality of the legal system that victory is not guaranteed. Lynne Be quiet! Listen! Fiona Especially when the res … Lynne I’ve been listening to your story for forty-five minutes and you just won’t stop and listen to me! Fiona … the thing at issue in your case … It’s Latin … Well, sir, sometimes we have to use these Latin words to prove we went to law school. Lynne

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Stop! Shut up! Fiona You can’t prove you own the DVD player. You can’t prove the other fellow took it. (Pause) No, I will not write a letter. Alex Write the letter. Ivy I’m typing letters. Darrell Send me an e-mail. Gary Call the SEC … It depends on who is in the White House. Right now the climate is such that your complaint will get tossed. Lynne (Exasperated) Are you going to be quiet and listen? (Covers mouthpiece) Why won’t he listen to me? Gary Yes, you are a whistleblower. But you don’t have whistleblower protection. Only government employees get whistleblower protection under the law. Go public with it. Danny

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No one feels safe. Darrell I wore a condom. Gary If you were a woman and you called Time Magazine, I bet they would protect you. (Fiona stops talking and looks over at Gary’s office, offended at what he said. Her antennae stay up as she returns to her call. Lynne puts her cell phone down at her side and looks at Gary’s office too. She returns to her call.) Lynne Forget about what’s deductible. You owe ten thousand dollars in back taxes. Alex Yes, I can write the letter for you. You get a free letter with every legal issue. Gary Hello? (Disconnects) Alex Yes, it is a great deal. Ivy I think Al-Qaeda is going to strike. Alex

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We’ll even go to court with you on the speeding charge. No extra fee. All part of your monthly membership. Darrell So the next day, I get flowers with an anonymous card. The card reads, “Thank you for a wonderful evening. Let’s do it again real soon.”

Gary Hello, Help Incorporated. Returning your call. Darrell I don’t know which one of them sent the flowers. There is one that I would really like to see again. She’s really hot. The other one, not so much. So, I called them both. I called the hot one first. Of course, you know if I thank her for sending me flowers and she didn’t send them, I’m hosed. She’ll know I went out with another girl who sent me flowers. So I said, I want to thank you for the other night and I want you to know I really appreciate what you did. And she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. I thought, fuck, it wasn’t her. Then I called the other one and, sure enough, she sent them. (Pause) No, she was just a joyride. Gary Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Fiona What I suggest you do is find the receipt. That’s right, sir. Goodbye. You don’t need to know my name. Just call back and ask for Help Incorporated. (Disconnects)

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Lynne Call the IRS. They’ll help you. (Pause) Yes, sir. (Disconnects) Gary Racial profiling? (Lynne enters Fiona’s office) Lynne Fiona, are you busy? Fiona (Shakes her head in exasperation) It’s just one right after another with these people. No, Lynne, come in. (Lynne shuts door.) Ivy I can’t believe my ex. He forgot to pick up Tyler after school again. (Loudly) It’s a violation of our shared custody arrangement. (She waits for an answer from one of the lawyers. None is forthcoming.) Not to mention the fact that he never has paid me a dime of support. Gary You’re assuming, sir, that Arabs attacked us on 9/11. I know you are Indian and Hindu. You told me that. The airlines can detain whoever they want, and they search everybody. (Pause) It wasn’t Al-Qaeda. It was the Israeli Mossad! (Pause) That’s just what the government tells you. Those nineteen guys were Israeli Mossad down to the last man.

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Alex (He has wandered into Danny’s office.) I just want to kill some of these losers. Danny (Hangs up.) Alex, how are you, old sport? Gary Sir, Iraq has never attacked us. (Pause) Can you think of a better way to stir up the Middle East? (Darrell disconnects from a call and walks into Gary’s office, plops down in the comfy chair and shuts his eyes.) No, sir. We’re the attackers! (Disconnects) (Alex enters Gary’s office, pokes his head in to see what the noise was, walks in.) Alex Another rocket scientist? Gary This guy thinks that because they looked through his bags at the airport that he has a federal civil rights case. What about you? Alex My last caller has been driving on a suspended license for so long now that the police don’t even bother to pull him over anymore. They just send him a ticket. So he decided he wants to go out on Friday night after work.

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Gary Don’t we all. Alex So, he says he has about one or two drinks. In the real world of non-Help Incorporated members that means at least fifteen beers. He drives home and they clock him doing 90 in a 35 residential zone. They chase him and he hits a parked car and he’s severely DUI. This is on top of the suspension they sent in earlier that night. (Alex has a good laugh at this. He looks at Darrell, who is asleep.) Darrell’s working hard, I see. Gary He just came in and plopped down. That man can sleep through anything. (Fiona walks past Ivy’s desk and directly into Gary’s office.) Fiona Do you have a second? (She does not wait for a response.) I heard what you were saying earlier about women on the cover of Time Magazine. Don’t … talk about things you know nothing about.

Gary Get out of my office. Fiona I don’t want to hear it. Just don’t say anything anti-women, and don’t talk about things you know nothing about.

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Gary (Rising) Let me explain something to you. I do what I want and I say what I want! Fiona No, you don’t. Gary Fuck you. Go get your Nazi boyfriend a green card, you stupid bitch. Fiona (Yelling) You have no idea what you’re talking about! You’re just so stupid and prejudiced that I don’t know where to start. Gary Yeah, and you’re so smart you’re doing Help Incorporated at age fifty instead of being partner at a big divorce firm. I’ll tell you where to start. How’s this? How about get the fuck out! (Points to the exit) Fiona Oh, that’s really clever. At least that’s better than what you tell the members. (She storms out and off R.) Gary Fuck you, you pseudo-intellectual sea hag! (Danny enters Gary’s office.)

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Danny I can come back later … Gary Don’t worry about her. Alex and I were just talking when she barged in. Alex (Doesn’t know what to make of all this.) Well, I don’t know about any of that, but we have several more good leads on cases for when we decide to leave and start our own firm. Gary Did you write them on your list? Alex I did, along with their names and SLs. Gary SLs? Alex Statutes of limitations. Gary Don’t start using legalese with me. I’ve got enough trouble. Alex That will hit these bastards where they live … steal all their clients.

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Danny They are the life blood of a law firm. Gary Yet, Mel and Oliver and Norwin rejected them as Title III clients, while continuing to draw a monthly fee from them. (He raises a finger as if making a point.) Danny Title III takes money. It takes money to file a case in court, just like it does for any lawyer. We have the right to require the client to pay those costs. Gary Danny, these people can’t even afford the monthly fee, let alone thousands in attorney’s fees. Danny The name isn’t Free Legal, it’s Help Incorporated. Alex Your pre-paid lawyers! Danny Well, that’s just a selling tool. Look, I don’t care about any of that. I just want to build up my base of three hundred clients so I can get out of this place and start my own practice. I just read another book. Alex

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Is that the number now, three hundred?

Danny Well, it’s been said by members, not our members, but members of our profession, that in order to run a viable practice and have steady income and pay your staff and not starve, that you need three hundred clients. Alex Per firm? Danny Per lawyer. Gary That’s an impossible workload. Alex We don’t even have an office. Gary Or desks, copiers, stuff like that. Danny We are building a book of portable business. Alex

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So that when we get out of this dead-end job, we have a ready-made client base. Gary I’m still pissed at Mel for ordering me take down my picture of Karl Marx.

Alex Well, that was a little extreme. Gary It was a statement. Alex A statement that you’re a Communist? Gary It’s a very profound statement that this country is being turned into a Communist state. The elevation of the proletariat, the cabal-centric governmental state unit, it’s all there. Oh, the steps are slow and gradual as usual, but they are there nonetheless. You have a dumbed down middle class that thinks “Oh, it can’t happen here.” Bullshit it can’t happen here. Alex Well, let’s get our piece of hypothetical scenario happens. Gary the action before that

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Not hypothetical. Real. When the state is looked to as father protector, you have the beginnings of a very real Commie scenario, and it is unfolding right now. Alex The government would never let that happen. Gary The government is in on it! Don’t you see? An inept Commander in Chief being manipulated by others, a willing Congress and a public that is eager to go along for the ride, whatever that may be at the time. A desperate underclass … (He holds up the receiver.) Danny Controlled by drugs. Gary Add it up. Alex The public is turning against the president on the war. Gary That’s the prevailing leftist sentiment. If you think that will affect what the president does, you’re smoking crack. Alex But we control all the major cities, and we have installed our obligatory puppet dictator. Gary

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That’s what you hear on the news. Alex Don’t you believe the news? Gary Not a word. I don’t watch or read mainstream media. If something important happens, somebody will tell me about it. Danny You’re quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Alex You forget about 9/11. Gary Do I? I don’t think so. Alex The passengers on those planes, heading to their deaths. Gary The Pentagon didn’t get hit by a plane. That was a missile attack. Alex, Danny What?

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Danny Where do you get this stuff? Gary Isn’t it odd that there’s all those camcorders, and all those people snapping pictures … hell, the cameras all around the Pentagon, the most protected and watched place on earth, and no one caught it on film? They got the first Trade Center attack on video in New York. The one they didn’t even know was coming. And no one sees a plane fly into the Pentagon? Alex I’m sure there are passenger lists, flight data and such from the Pentagon plane. Gary Have you seen it? Alex No … Gary Didn’t think so. It doesn’t exist. The whole thing was made up. Where’s the debris? Alex Only because I haven’t sought it out. Look, it was a plane, all right. I’m tired of these conspiracy theories of yours. (Pause) I remember when you came to work here. You were a good

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American, Republican, believed all the right things. What happened? Gary This place happened. I’ve talked to all kinds of good Americans. I found out that the average American’s like the family dog. He knows where the bowl is, but he has no idea how the food got there. All the people – especially our members, care about is, how is the quarterback’s knee this year, and do I have enough beer. (Darrell wakes up.) Darrell Is it five o’clock? Danny As soon as you mention beer, he awakens. Alex Gary thinks we’re turning Communist in this country. Gary Not by choice. Darrell I’m not. Gary What do you know? All you care about is where your next piece of ass is coming from.

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Darrell I already know that. Ivy (Enters) Suzette alert. Gary Okay, thanks. Suzette alert, guys. Out, out. (Gary tries to straighten up his desk a little. It is fruitless.) (Danny returns to his office and checks his computer, starts dialing. Alex, Darrell and Lynne emerge from the offices they were in, dial their cell phones. Fiona dials another number. Ivy remains on the phone. All mime talking.) Fiona Hello, Help Incorporated. Danny Hello, Help Incorporated returning your call. Lynne (Peeks in to see if Gary is there, waves) Hello, this is Help Incorporated.

Gary Hello. Options department, please. My name is Gary Webb, account number one nine eight four. I want to order one thousand September puts on PPD. (Suzette has entered from L and is standing outside Gary’s office. Alex, Darrell and

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Lynne scatter and exit R when she arrives. Ivy hangs up and begins typing.) Yes, I know it’s risky. What are they trading at? (Pause) Good. Put me down for one thousand September puts, good until filled. Charge my account. Thanks. (He disconnects. Suzette pokes her head in the door, enters, shuts door and sits in the comfy chair. Throughout the ensuing conversation, Ivy listens at the door.) Gary What can I do for you, Miss Suzette? Suzette What was that all about? Gary I just bought put options in the stock of a company that one of the members works for. He gave me information that may mean the stock price is going down. Suzette How do you make money if the price goes down? Gary (Rises) Sweetie, a put option … put option. It means you can sell at a certain price. (He grabs Suzette in a dancing embrace.) It’s called the strike price. (He begins waltzing around the office with her. It is cozy business.) If the stock price falls below the … (He dips her, then resumes the waltz) strike price, you have the option of selling at the … (He dips her again, and resumes the waltz, much closer now.) strike price. So you buy at the lower price and sell at the higher price. Get it? Suzette

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(Trying not to enjoy herself too much) What if the price goes up? Gary If the price goes up, the options expire worthless. Suzette (She spins Gary around and pins him against his desk, putting her right foot up on the desk.) It sounds too risky. Gary (Enjoying Suzette’s information. sudden Suzette You’re taking stock advice from our members? Gary No, no … he didn’t know he was giving me a stock tip. He called with a legal issue. Suzette (She kisses Gary full on the lips. A long, passionate kiss.) That’s inside information. Gary Not according to the SEC. (Finally, Suzette releases Gary from the embrace. Ivy drifts over to Fiona’s office, then to Danny’s, after hearing all of this. She shuts the doors and whispers something to each of them in turn. Then she returns to listening at the door.) dominance.) It’s good

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Suzette Look … I typed something for Mel today … Gary Oh really, I wasn’t aware that you type. Suzette … a confidential memo. Gary Not anymore. Suzette Be quiet for a minute. (Gary straightens up like a child and gives the zipped lip signal.) They’re looking to end the experiment. (Gary throws up his hands and shakes his head. He doesn’t understand.) The designated interruption entertainer experiment. (Gary repeats the gesture.) They’re looking to bust you down to Title One attorney. Gary What? Suzette With a corresponding reduction in pay. Gary

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What … why? Suzette (Counting off the charges) They said you have had too many complaints against you by members, reports not filed in a timely fashion and lacking critical information, intemperate outbursts …

Gary Suzette, you know how these members can be. They just talk and talk and talk until you just want to smack them and say go back on your meds. It’s insane. And in the end, we’re not allowed to do anything to help them anyway. (Pause) Who complained? Suzette I’m not here to talk about your complaints. I just wanted to see you and warn you in person that this is coming down. It is a recommendation made by Mel Silver himself … to McMillion. Gary WM knows about this? Suzette He conceived and authorized the experiment. Gary

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He won’t be happy to know that … it failed. I wonder if he’ll be happy to know that I leaked his little experiment to the business press. Suzette Don’t do that. They’ll fire you for sure. Gary They wouldn’t. I’m a whistleblower. This company is traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Can you imagine what the shareholders would think about the fact that (haughtily) William McMillion hires corporate spies? Suzette Gary, I just handle the Title One attorneys. You are giving yourself too much credit. No one in the press is going to care about this. Gary They will. I happen to know this division is being sued by sales associates and members. The people are starting to figure it out. Suzette How …? (Gary rises, approaches Suzette and puts his hand on her shoulder.) Gary Does Mel know about us? Suzette

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I haven’t said anything. Gary He might be jealous. Suzette I told you it was over between me and Mel. Gary I know. Suzette Anyway, it was a long time ago. He’s moved on. Gary As have you. (Suzette thinks about this.)

Suzette Gary, what do you see in me? Gary Don’t you know? Suzette No. (Ivy strains to hear. As Fiona rises and walks over with a stack of papers, Ivy returns to her desk and resumes typing.)

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Gary It’s the sex. It’s a sex thing. It’s incredible. (They kiss.) (Blackout) Act Two Scene Three (Darrell, Alex, Danny, Melody, Lynne, Fiona and Ivy are all in Gary’s office C. Darrell sleeps in the comfy chair. Alex sits in Gary’s chair. Danny, Melody and Lynne manage to mill about in this smallish space. Melody has adopted a beatnik persona and wardrobe. Fiona and Ivy stand just outside the door of Gary’s office.) Alex What’s taking so long? Danny We’ve all had complaints.

Alex He seems to have more of them, though. These morons get to him. Ivy I hear him slam the phone and swear after every single call. Fuck you! Slam! Kiss my fucking ass! Slam! Fucking nigger! Slam!

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Fiona I have heard it too. Lynne (To Ivy) Why haven’t you said anything? Ivy Because he’s cute. Melody But he’s mine, and you’re married. That makes him off limits. (Pause) The partners shouldn’t make him suffer. Danny Everybody who talks to these people on the phone all day long is going to run into your problem members (The others hear that Danny is about to lecture them again and attempt to silence him, but he perseveres and continues with his speech over their catcalls and comments.) Curtis, Israel and Abramson don’t know because they have never been on the phone with a member … Alex Do you blame them?

Danny

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… and it’s the same people, time after time, year after year. With experience, you learn who the problem members are and you avoid picking up the call. Melody How’s his legal advice? Alex Mel, I heard him telling a member that the U.S. should not go into Iran because the Russians have nukes there. Melody Seems pretty sound to me. Alex The loser was calling about a foreclosure. Danny But you see, we get these calls when it’s far beyond the point where legal advice would be of any benefit. They’ve screwed up their lives. Most of them have mental problems. Lynne They can be helped. It’s our duty to help them. Alex How can you stand it between the loser members and Oliver and Mel treating us like little kids? Danny (Adopting a cheap British accent) Don’t forget Norwin.

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Alex He isn’t really H.I. He doesn’t run it, doesn’t care about it, doesn’t know anything about it. Melody He knows it when the check comes in. Danny The partners get paid no matter what. They are not parties to the recent member and associate lawsuits, and wouldn’t be liable in any event. They have found their cash cow and they will never let go. Melody Do the lawsuits have a chance to stick? Alex Ten states so far. You know how these class actions go. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Instant merit. It won’t be long before everybody wants a piece. Melody It was a matter of time. Danny We have a retirement plan. Alex

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Wow, ten percent of nothing paid into a 401K that loses money. I’m going to start picking out condos in Turk and Kaikos. Danny Not that retirement plan. Alex What then? Danny Our secret client database … Lynne What? Alex (Looks at Danny, unsure whether he should proceed and reveal their plans. Danny nods.) It’s like this. We have established a law office where we handle all of the decent cases that come through here. When we get enough clients, Danny, Gary and I break off and form our own practice. For real. Lynne Why not handle the cases through this office? Alex The partners rejected them. Danny

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Too much work, not enough reward. Lynne What about him? (Points at Darrell) Alex He’s enormously indifferent.

Danny We can’t get a lucid waking moment out of him that doesn’t involve alcohol, women or rate my poo dot com. Alex Plus he has his trust fund. He doesn’t need to work. Melody He’s really taking advantage of his privileged status. Lynne It’s unethical. And besides, if it is a labor-intensive, rewarddubious proposition for the partners, isn’t it more so for you? I mean, with full-time jobs and everything? And you have to give the partners part of your fee. Alex No, we don’t. Danny

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There are some good cases that come through here that the partners throw away. We’re simply taking a little more of the risk than they are willing to. What do you say, Lynne? Lynne (She thinks about all of this for a moment.) Do what you want. I’m out. Melody I’ll do whatever Gary’s doing. Fiona I’m out. I want less work, not more. I’m far too busy here. (Gary enters from SR.) Danny Hey, how’d it go? (Gary glares at Ivy) Gary Does everybody know I had a meeting with the partners? Ivy Not everyone is here today. (Ivy returns to her desk, picks up phone and begins chatting. Lynne and Fiona return to Fiona’s office and shut the door. Melody approaches Gary, embraces him and kisses him passionately, actually backing him against his own desk, which he grasps for balance. Melody then abruptly exits SR.)

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Melody Can’t … resist … Gary I had no idea I was this popular. (He hovers over Darrell for a moment, claps his hands.) Beer! (Gary then glares at Alex and gestures wildly.) Get out of my chair! (Alex scurries out from behind Gary’s desk, but remains in his office.) Darrell (Slowly regaining consciousness.) What time is it? Gary Happy hour, let’s go.

Danny Alex and I were just explaining Plan B for escape from Hell Incorporated to some of the ladies. Darrell Are you dudes still thinking about a start up? Danny Your name’s on the letterhead. Darrell

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You dudes are too ambitious. I’m telling you. Ride this shit out for a few years, do their little dance, save some dough, then go out on your own. Danny We thought we had money. Your money. Are you no longer committed to Helping Hand International? Darrell The name alone will get you sued. It’s too close to Help Incorporated. Not to mention the fact it sounds like a relief organization. Alex Besides, we need clients. Gary Am I … Danny Help is help. You can’t trademark it. Gary … interrupting something?

Darrell I thought we were going to Happy Hour. Alex

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Yes, let’s go. Gary? Gary I’ve … got to stick around for a few minutes. Alex Meet you at PPD. Gary Wait. Danny, let’s go over to your office. This place is a sty. Admittedly. (They exit, enter Danny’s office.) (Gary looks around to make sure no one is listening. He draws the others closer.) They know. Danny What? Gary The partners know about our little side business. Alex (Severely, with disbelief) No. Darrell I told you. Too derivative. Not ethically sound. Actual work. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.

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Gary Any ideas on who stuck the knife in our collective back? (Danny and Alex eventually settle on Darrell.) Darrell Whoa. Danny Your pessimism has not gone unnoticed. I always suspected there was a mole on this floor. Is this how you get by with doing so little work? Darrell I get as many closes as you do. Trouble with you is, you really try to help these people. Danny We all have our own styles, and … Darrell It’s legal fast food. Serve them and move on to the next overweight, overmedicated, overspending loser. Alex I want to do more than give these people a Band-Aid. Gary Really? Alex

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Yeah, I want to bill my stones off at a hundred and fifty per hour. Danny Look, we all have our own styles. I bill my stones off because I can talk for hours on end, incessantly, about anything. Everything else is volume. This place was supposed to supply us with the volume of cases we need. Gary Don’t you guys get it? We’re on our way out! Darrell What did Mel say, exactly? Gary How did you know I met with Mel? I didn’t say I met with Mel. Darrell All H.I. meetings of consequence are with Mel. Norwin is just in it for the money and Oliver just hands out cookies and springs for one-third the cost of pizzas one day a month, in recognition of staff birthdays. (Pause) Dudes, I’m out of here. Accuse me if you want. Blame yourselves. You were about as discreet as Melody is about Gary. (No one responds.) If anybody wants to go to Happy Hour, I’ll be in my office looking at Rate My Poo dot com. Danny What is that?

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Alex (Amused) It’s a website with unbelievably big shits. Danny Come on, Darrell. We’re just busting your stones a little. I’ve got beer in my office. Darrell I’ll be down. (He stomps off) (Danny produces bottles of beer for the three of them. He sits, followed by Gary and Alex in chairs. They drink.) Alex What did he say? Gary Mel sat me down and he brought Suzette in. I don’t think he was concerned about the side business so much as he was about my attitude with the members. He said I’ve received complaints and he had Suzette run down a list of them. (Pause) Alex Everybody gets complaints. Gary I mentioned that. It seems the frequency has them concerned. I tried to step up my closes (Suddenly, Gary begins goose-stepping around Danny’s office like a Nazi, and Alex joins in.) and as you know, member complaints are

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directly proportional to the number of call backs. (They stop the goose-stepping. Alex has pulled something.) It’s a mathematical certainty. Alex I call it the “loser ratio”. Gary Anyway, I couldn’t deny it. Any of them. Danny (Becoming the alpha male, father figure again) Well, everybody here gets complaints. We all react differently to this type of work. The volume, the constant struggle to find a legal issue in the incessant droning on and on about nothing. Don’t let these people get to you. I told you that after six months, you would either settle in for the long haul or you would fall off the map. Don’t let them get to you. Alex I’m so sick of these fucking losers thinking they have the right to complain about me. Gary But anyway, he went on about the members. You know their names. They call here every day because, … oh, I don’t know … they got a ticket for urinating in public or some local politician is corrupt or … some police office is following them around just because they have twenty outstanding arrest warrants. Danny

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You should know to avoid members who are on the screen every day. Let the new meat take their lumps with the lifers. After six months, you should know what to avoid and what is going to give you the least amount of trouble. Alex Yeah, you need to balance between quantity and quality. Gary So, is this bad? Danny I’ve never heard of Mel meeting with an attorney to discuss complaints. They are a fact of life here. You get people who are predisposed to complain in the first place, and you sell them a forum to air their grievances and get them fixed. Then they find out they have to pay more to have us represent them? It’s a volatile combination. Gary Well, he didn’t seem so concerned about diverting members to our own firm. He just mentioned it, and suggested we stop. Danny My understanding is that they’re looking for the million dollar case they can retire on. As long as we don’t steal that, they might leave us alone. Alex No, the three stooges like that money coming in from the contract every month. Something else is going on in that crucible of an office that we don’t know about.

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(Curtain) Act Three Scene One (Mel, Oliver and Norwin stand in Gary’s office. Norwin is hunched over Gary’s computer terminal, pressing buttons frantically on the keyboard and clicking the mouse, watching the screen intently. Mel goes through papers on Gary’s desk. Oliver stands in front of the desk and eats from a box of cookies he is holding.) Oliver We have to fire him. I don’t see any other way. Mel Virtually every call he handles results in a complaint. “He refused to help me.” “I felt like he wasn’t listening to me.” “He swore at me.” And then you try to confront him about these complaints and he just sits there and looks at you. Oliver With that blank stare. Mel Like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. And he gives you this attitude. Oliver He won’t give me attitude. Norwin

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Sure, because you bring him cookies once a month. Oliver No, he won’t even try that shit with me. I just raise my voice a little and he calms right down. He’s a pussy. (Takes a big, disgusted bite out of a cookie.) These things are giving me a sugar high. (He begins aimlessly moving Gary’s books around in an attempt to clean off the bookshelf. He ends up making it worse.) Mel He’s bad for business. We need to tell McMillion his experiment failed. His man on the inside fell in with the proletariat. Or the bourgeoisie. I’m not sure which. Oliver Whichever one means loser. Norwin Guys … he’s got porn on here. Oliver Is it the same site I go to? Mel His production has dropped off tremendously. He leaves us no choice. Oliver Mel, I hate Gary Webb as much as anybody, but are you sure you’re not letting personal matters influence your decision? I mean, he was banging Suzette in this office.

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Norwin On the good chair. Oliver Turn the cushion over. (Mel complies, gingerly lifts a corner of the big cushion and flips it over, then pushes it into place with his foot.) Mel Me and Suzette are over. It was a long time ago. She can see whoever she wants. As far as I’m concerned, Suzette was a joyride. Norwin In the middle-aged Range Rover of life. Mel Well, be that as it may. (Pause) Of course, I am not above, in addition to firing our associate, ruining his personal life. Norwin Dirty pool! No fair! The evil, underhanded partner imposes his will on the young associate corrupted by the system! What did you have in mind? Mel Well, we have his background file. Assuming all that information is still valid, we can use that somehow.

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Oliver We can’t have our spies turning against us, you know. Mel Maybe a call to his girlfriend … Oliver A bad reference. (He gets disgusted, spilling books onto the floor. He begins picking them up and returning them to the shelf.) Norwin A confidentiality agreement? Oliver Yes, yes. Mel Shall we follow our normal routine, do what we always do? Oliver I’ll get the hats! (Exits L) Norwin I will have Suzette call McMillion, and patch him in here for a conference call. (Exits L) Mel

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Yes, patch him in here. (Mel moves to behind Gary’s desk, where Norwin was, and presses a few buttons.) Yes, Gary, I see from the pornography on your computer that you are skilled in the internet arts after all. Had you forgotten that we record every word, every keystroke? Or did I neglect to tell you that? Some of these girls look pretty young. (Shaking his head.) No, that simply won’t do. (Wanders out from behind Gary’s desk, down C) Oh, Gary. You were in over your head. A depraved little prole in the world of men, with your sordid past of affairs and insider trading. How long did you think it would last? You wanted to grift the grifters. You forgot that McMillion has perpetuated the greatest pyramid scheme in the history of the help industry. Our members have paid and … re-paid for legal … what amounts to legal services, sold under the guise help for pennies a day. They can have access to top professionals in the field, unaware that we hire losers who can’t even fix their own lives. We give them advice on how to wreck their lives even more. Money is funneled up to the top slots in the corporation, “independent” branches of a central ruling body. We have collectivized the practice of help. We do it for the money and the power, for that trip to Vegas twice a year for our annual pep rally. We take the associates we can tolerate personally. The ones who know Help Incorporated is a scam but play along anyway. We like that. Those people will go far in this organization. (Aside) They can keep their jobs. Pity you couldn’t work with us, Gary. You were being groomed for partner. But you threw it away on ethics. Real help. A twisted view of who really runs the world. McMillion (V.O.) Who does run the world, Mel? Mel (Taken aback) Why, you do, Mr. McMillion.

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(Pause. Both Mel and McMillion erupt into laugher as Oliver enters from L, wonders what they are laughing about. Norwin enters quickly behind. Mel sees the two and goes solemn and low-key, his usual state. They clearly rarely see Mel laughing. McMillion, in voice over, remotely gives a few leftover chortles, then stops abruptly.) Oliver I found these. (He holds up cheap party hats, distributes one each to Oliver and Mel. Oliver returns to the box of cookies he had left on Gary’s desk, begins devouring cookies. Soon he is pacing back and forth quickly.) McMillion (V.O.) David, is that you? You limey bastard! Norwin It’s Norwin, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Oh yes, I forgot about the name change. Norwin It throws people off, sir. And you yourself can empathize, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Indeed. (Pause) Is everybody here? Oliver (Pacing) Yes sir, I’m here. McMillion (V.O.)

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Is this a secure line? Mel Yes, of course. McMillion (V.O.) Well then … apparently we have some sort of problem with the Designated Interruption Entertainer? Mel Yes, he is not working out as we had planned, sir. McMillion (V.O.) I see from your monthly reports that his productivity is falling off. Explanation? Oliver (Still pacing) He has turned against everybody. His employer, the members. He seems to have become friendly with the staff. Mel Too friendly. And in one extreme case, too friendly with management. Oliver (To Mel) We consider Suzette to be a mid-level supervisor with certain executive privileges. McMillion (V.O.)

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Would that be the same Suzette who accompanies you to Las Vegas every year, Mel? Mel (Abruptly) Yes sir. McMillion (V.O.) According to hotel surveillance, Mel, you and Suzette were dating, is that correct? Mel (Shrinking) Yes. McMillion (V.O.) Granted, that was ten years ago. (Pause) What did she do, trade you in for a younger model? (He laughs, along with Norwin and Oliver) Norwin (Composes himself under Mel’s glare) If I may, sir, we may have made the Designated Interruption Entertainer too darned irresistible to the ladies. McMillion (V.O.) Nobody made him but me. Oliver He turned coat, sir. Mel With your approval, sir, I would suggest a layoff due to loss of business. It always works as an all-purpose remedy in

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these sorts of cases. A layoff would remove any hint of willful misconduct from the equation and it would save McMillion Enterprises from having to explain why it fired a corporate spy. McMillion (V.O.) You don’t think he will raises this issue himself in a termination proceeding without any prompting? Mel We would not oppose such a proceeding.

McMillion (V.O.) I’m not paying unemployment to someone we entrusted with company secrets, who stabbed us in the back. (Beat) We will take care of this in the usual manner. I will implement Agenda Twenty-One. Oliver (Stops eating. His mouth is full of crumbs.) We what? McMillion (V.O.) You all heard me. I will make the necessary arrangements … date, time etcetera. You three make sure the floor is clear when the time comes. Mel But sir … It won’t do to have one of our offices sealed off with yellow tape.

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McMillion (V.O.) Melly, Melly, Melly. Do you really think I would let that happen. (Beat) It’s final. Now, if there is nothing else, I have a golf date with a federal judge. Good-bye. (Loud click) Norwin Well, that’s rather direct, isn’t it? Mel Our task is clear. Oliver (Bouncing around the floor in a nervous panic.) All right, all right, you heard McMillion. Let’s get the propaganda machine rolling. I’ll call in Suzette and explain things to her.

Mel You don’t think she’ll be upset when she finds out? Oliver We tell her Gary is mentally unbalanced. Which he is. Mel I don’t know about this. Oliver If we don’t hold up our end, McMillion will terminate the contract. Some other firm will get the McMillion millions, the

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trips to Vegas, the fancy offices, the condos in Turk and Kaikos. Do you want that? Mel No. Oliver You’re the one who’s always talking about taking that next step up. Into the elite. This is a chance for us to prove our mettle. If we handle this right, we are on the A-list. We’ll be like rock stars. (He trips and falls face-first into the comfy chair.) Norwin Do you think he will invite us to Bohemian Grove for vacation? Oliver (Somewhat muffled) Let’s not get carried away. Mel You’re talking about being part of a … conspiracy. Oliver (Rights himself with considerable difficulty.) Well, what do you think the contract is? Help Incorporated? Yeah, right. Norwin A pyramid scheme in the guise of a humanitarian objective. It is a civil conspiracy. Organized theft.

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Oliver Only difference is, it makes us rich and the law is marginally on our side. Mel Well, I’m on board, don’t worry about that. We’ll get a nice Christmas bonus this year for sure. (With awe) Agenda twenty-one. Oliver Okay then, gentlemen. Let’s adjourn. Things have a way of moving pretty fast once we get the call. (All prepare to leave.) Let’s reconvene at noon. Mel, Norwin Okay. Oliver I hate work, but I love having my name first on the letterhead. (They exit L) (Ivy’s head pops up from underneath her desk. She is ashen. She paces back and forth in front of the offices, wringing her hands. Fiona enters and efficiently moves about her office, which remains a sty, comparable to Gary’s. Ivy enters Fiona’s office.) Ivy You won’t believe what I just heard. Fiona

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Have you been looking under your desk for your pencil again? Ivy (Pays her no mind) I think the partners are getting ready to … fire Gary. Fiona What are you talking about? Ivy I just heard the three wise men in Gary’s office talking to Bill McMillion, and they were talking about taking care of Gary! Fiona Bill McMillion was on the phone with the partners? Ivy Yes. Fiona In Gary’s office? Ivy Yes. (Pause) I know you two don’t get along. I wish you would make up. Fiona (Coldly) I really don’t care what he thinks of me. I just want to come in and do my job, and go home. I don’t make waves, I don’t socialize, and the partners love me. And if they want

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to fire Gary, it’s their prerogative. He deserves it, if you ask me.

Ivy Come on, I like having happy people around me. Fiona I’m fine with things the way they are. It’s not my problem if he has issues. Ivy You take three months a year off. Fiona It’s all paid for. Ivy What? Fiona Don’t tell anyone. Ivy I’ve got to help him. I can’t save his job, since it’s the partners who are involved, but maybe I can give him some advance warning. Fiona Are we done? I’ve got to start calling members.

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Ivy (In disbelief) Yes, thanks Fiona. (Ivy exits Fiona’s office. Gary and Danny enter from R. We hear Fiona calling as the two enter. They are in the middle of a conversation.) Fiona Hello, Help Incorporated … (Gary and Danny enter Danny’s office, switch on the lights.) Gary … if we were allowed to do more for the members besides call them, the service, I think, would be a lot more worthwhile. As it stands, they are selling this Help package to the unsuspecting, under the pretense that we as Title One associates can do more for them than we actually can. Danny Oh Gary. So deluded. You actually think the system is set up to help. It’s set up to make money. They want somebody like Fiona, who closes lots of cases. Gary You don’t do that. I’ve seen you spend forty-five minutes on the phone with members. You go into court with them. Danny If they need me to.

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Gary Don’t the partners and, um, Suzette decide that? Under Title Three? Of the contract, I mean? Danny No, no, no. They don’t decide. I decide. But yes, the partners would rather have twenty Fionas, closing their balls off. (Slight pause) If she had balls. Well, you know what I mean.

Gary I think she pisses with the seat up, if that’s where you were headed with that. Fiona needs to be bent over a desk and plowed from behind. (Gary mimes this.) The Greeks like that, I hear. Danny She’s typical Help Incorporated. Female in her fifties, can’t find work anywhere else. It’s the end of the line for most of them. Gary How about me and you? Danny We need to find an alternative to this type of work. We’ll never break into the market from here. Gary We could unionize the Title One associates.

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Danny I don’t want to hear about that. The partners will snuff that out. Just do your job, and if you hate it that much, find something else. Gary You’re probably right. (Begins to exit Danny’s office) Danny Of course I am. (Gary exits, enters his office, begins to go through his morning routine with considerable dread. Ivy rushes in, checks to see if anyone is around.) Ivy I have something to tell you. Gary What is it? Sit down, sweetie. (Ivy sits in the comfy chair.) Ivy Ooh, I could fall asleep in this thing. Gary Many have. Except me, of course. Ivy

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Listen, I think the partners are getting ready to fire you. Gary What? Sshhh! (Attempts to quiet Ivy as she continues.) Ivy The partners were in here … Gary Outside! Now! Ivy Why? Gary Just … out, please. (Both Gary and Ivy step out into the hall, down C) Ivy What’s going on? I wanted to speak to you in private. Gary My office may not be entirely secure. Ivy What do you mean? Gary Trust me. (Whispers) They put a camera in there.

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Ivy No way. You get paranoid much? Gary They know everything I’ve done since I got here. Ivy About you and Suzette? Gary Yes … yes, how do you know about that? Ivy I know everything. Or at least I thought I did.

Gary So you know … Ivy About you and Melody too. Sure I do. Everybody knows that. It’s ancient history. Melody was handing out wedding invitations. Gary And about … Ivy

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You’re little side business. Of course. Alex was having me type his letters. Gary (Thinks for a moment) Shit. Fuck. No offense. Ivy I’m a secretary to twenty attorneys. There’s not a lot going on that I don’t know about. Gary Well, what were they saying? Ivy They said they were going to take care of you. Gary Maybe you misinterpreted. What were you doing? Listening through the wall?

Ivy They had Bill McMillion on speaker phone! (Pause) I used to feel bad about eavesdropping, but now that I know they spy on us, I don’t. Gary Ivy, can we talk after work, away from the office?

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Ivy Sure. Why? Gary I need to talk to you about why I was hired here. But I just don’t trust anyone anymore. Ivy What about Suzette? Gary I think Suzette’s playing both sides. (He considers this for a moment.) She sat me down with the partners and they told me they know everything. The have surveillance, everything. They record our phone calls. Ivy Can I ask you something? Gary Sure. Ivy Why don’t you and Mary have any kids? Gary What do you mean? Ivy

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You’ve been together a long time. Why haven’t you had any kids? Gary We’re not even married. Ivy So? I’ve had four kids without ever being married. Gary I don’t know if I’d brag about that. Ivy I’m not bragging. That’s just how it is. Gary Nevertheless, we have made a conscious choice not to have any. Ivy You just don’t want anything to interfere with play time. You don’t want the responsibility. Gary What? What is this about having kids all of a sudden? Hey, you have an office here full of swinging dicks. Tell them to go have kids. You go have more kids.

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They’re not throwing away their lives. Gary And I am? Let me tell you something. The government wants you having kids, it … Ivy … oh, the government … that’s good. Gary Shut up! Ivy No, I won’t shut up! Gary They want you having kids. Hell, they’ll even give you a tax break. That way, they know you’re going into debt, buying a house, stuck in a job you hate, chained to the status quo, afraid to speak out, to do anything new or different. They plan on it. Ivy You have no responsibility. What do you know? Gary You’re a secretary. You know nothing about responsibility. Ivy Right, and because you have a degree, you do.

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Gary Two! I have two degrees … Ivy So what? Gary … and I have to talk to fucking morons all day long and listen to insane babbling … Ivy So does everybody else here. I don’t hear them complaining. Gary … and I can get sued by any one of them at any time, and Curtis Israel & Abramson listen and watch everything I do, and they put quotas on me. I work in a fucking suicide prevention mill, circa 1910. This place is a sweatshop! (Pause) You don’t hear them complaining? Really? (Ivy suddenly is crying. Gary places a hand on her shoulder.) I’m sorry. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I’m sorry. (Pause) Listen, let’s get out of here at lunch. We’ll go to PPD. Ivy I don’t usually cry. I’m just going through so much with Daniel’s father and I … had to lash out … you just don’t seem to care about anything. Gary

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I do, though. (Pause) You know, if you weren’t common law married with four kids, and I didn’t have a girlfriend and two mistresses … Ivy Don’t let that stop you. (Kisses Gary’s cheek) See you at lunch. (She exits R) (Blackout) Act Three Scene Two (Gary, Danny, Alex and Darrell are seated in Danny’s office, Danny behind his desk. It is late in the day. The lights have been turned down on the rest of the stage and there is background music courtesy of a boom box, which dominates Danny’s desk. All are holding drinks: Alex and Gary have beers. Danny has a glass of wine, and a bottle on his desk. Darrell has a mixed drink.) Gary I don’t believe it. Darrell Down in flames. I warned you guys. Gary What was it, exactly? Danny One of the members went to Mel with a complaint about one of us, and spilled everything … our engagement letters, our fee agreements, everything.

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Alex Should have known one of these fucking losers would turn against us. (Rises and begins pacing around the office.) Darrell Yes, you should have. (Melody and Lynne enter from R and Darrell rises to greet them. They exchange pleasantries.) Alex We could lose our licenses. Danny This is typical when you go out on your own from an established practice. Gary How would you know? You would have been happy getting your ten closes a day, getting paid slave wages and going home, never really giving anybody any real help. (Darrell and Melody begin dancing to the music down L. Lynne joins the group in the office. Alex continues pacing.) Alex Fuck these losers. They turned on us. They ratted us out. (He punches the wall, which hurts his hand.) Danny I was happy doing those things. Seems to me we never moved on this idea beyond the discussion stage until you came to the firm and started stirring things up.

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Gary I didn’t stir anything up. It was your idea. You came to me with it, so don’t accuse me of getting anyone fired. (Rises and confronts Danny) Lynne Who got fired? Alex (To no one in particular, imitating Oliver) Some of these people just want someone to talk to. Your grandmother can handle most of these calls. It’s just like The Law and You. I’d like to see Mel or Oliver or Norwin do what we do all day every day. Danny They don’t have to. They just live off the contract. They’ll do whatever it takes not to have to sit and talk to the members on the phone. (To Gary) Sit down. Gary No. (He leans over the desk and pushes some papers off Danny’s desk. Danny rises and the two begin shoving over the desk. Alex, Darrell, Melody and Lynne intervene.) Darrell Cut it out, you two. You want to get us thrown out of the building, too? Lynne

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What happened? Gary Nothing. Danny (Sits) The partners found out about our side business. We’re done. Gary Sshhh … Danny What? We’re all friends here. Lynne One of the members told? Danny That’s what we hear. Lynne How do you know it was one of the members? (Melody starts to pull Darrell back out into the hall. She begins slow dancing with Darrell even as he tries to listen.) Gary Mel had meetings with us and told us. This is being sent to McMillion for an investigation. Lynne

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An investigation by who? Danny Who knows? Some company out of Oklahoma. Alex Ollie better watch out. If I see him out on the street after this I’ll tear his fat head off. Lynne Which member? Gary I don’t know. It could have been anybody. Lynne Maybe it was quality control. Danny, Alex Who? Lynne Quality control. Every so often someone from corporate will call a provider firm with a phony hypothetical and see how we do our job, render help, deliver the product. They rate us Title One attorneys individually and the firm gets rated as a whole. (Pause) It’s in the contract. Alex The fucking contract.

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Gary Who reads the thing? Danny I’ve read it. I know parts of it verbatim. Gary Well, great. Lot of good the contract does us now. While you all are feeling so knowledgeable about our current predicament, there’s something that probably escaped your notice. Lynne What? Gary Do you people know why I was hired here at Curtis, Israel & Abramson? Alex To sit and listen to losers whine all day. Danny To help people. Lynne To administer the contract. Gary

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Yes, (Points at Alex) no, (Points his middle finger at Danny) maybe. (points at Lynne) But there originally was another reason. Lynne What? Gary I was hired to spy on all of you. (All stare blankly at Gary for a moment, then Blackout) Act III Scene Three (Gary sits in his office, feet up on his desk. No one else is on stage. Death enters from up C. He is tall and sepulchral, in his 50s, and wears wire-rim glasses. He is dressed in business attire. Gary remains seated casually with feet up.) Gary I’m sorry, are you looking for someone? Death Yes, I am. Gary A lawyer?

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Death I look for many lawyers. Today I happen to be looking for you. Mr. Gary Webb, is it not? (He removes a gun from the breast pocket of his suit and a silencer from his pocket, begins screwing on the silencer.) Gary I think you’re making a mistake. I … Death Nope, no mistake. Gary Who are you? Death I don’t think it matters, but you can call me Ron. Ron Lister. I’m security, McMillion Global Enterprises, assigned to implement Agenda Twenty-One. Gary Agenda Twenty-One? You’re from the home office? I’m getting out of here! (He rises, Ron fires the gun and Gary grasps his left kneecap and screams. He falls to the ground.) Ron (Nonchalantly) That’s what I like to see. Do I have your attention now? (Pause, as Ron listens to Gary scream for help.) Scream all you want. The floor has been cleared. Your friends, Danny and Alex, have been terminated for violating the contract. You are a special case, Mr. Webb. Did you think you could get away with what you did?

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(Gary reaches for the phone. Ron kicks Gary’s arm away and yanks the cord from the wall. Gary grasps his knee and, in obvious pain, manages to sit up beside his desk. He comports himself just well enough to speak.) Gary There’s going to be building security up here in about thirty seconds. Ron Who? That fat guy who sleeps on his stool all day downstairs and does word search puzzles? Please. (Gary screams, and Ron enjoys himself for a moment.) You know what? This is going to be a messy suicide. Gary Suicide? You … shot me in the knee! And, and … I’m still alive … and … Ron Soon. (Gary realizes Ron is going to kill him. He rises and limps pitifully toward Ron, who fills the space in the doorway. Gary swipes at Ron, who fends off the blow with his gun hand. Gary swipes with his right hand, but Ron parries the blow and then pushes Gary over with his gun hand, aims the gun and shoots Gary. Gary grasps the other knee.) There. A matching set! (Ron looks around the office, picks up objects and books aimlessly.) Do you want to hear more improbable events? Your friend Darrell is getting a promotion. Our executives sleep all day and roll into the office around three. It’s his dream job. We made Lynne a

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partner for exposing your little scam, even though we knew from surveillance. She has a great legal mind. Suzette? She turned you in. You couldn’t handle the betrayal and the heartache, so you shot yourself in the head. Gary No!

Ron We can spin this any way we want? Did you think you could tell people the truth? You were here to help us help them. No one wanted to hear that political shit. If someone wanted to make a fast buck with some phony fall down, or got ripped off by some scam artist, you give them a band aid. But no, you had to turn crusader on us. This is how we deal with crusaders. Blackout Then, a gunshot. Curtain The End

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