How to be a better father

In recent years, much of the debate over today's family crisis has focused on men--or
more specifically, the lack of positive male role models. It is true too many fathers are
absent and are not taking responsibility for their children. There are, however, many
fathers who are bravely trying to live up to their high calling. As a husband and father
of four, here are ten principles that I have learned over the last 2 years of fathering.
1. Passionately love your wife.
!ith few positive images of husbands around, girls don't know what to look in a
man, and young men don't know how to treat a woman.
"our daughters are going to date fellows who show the same level of commitment
and respect you model. And your sons are going to treat their girlfriends and wives
the same way they see you treat your wife.
#et your children see you sharing love and affection with their mother. !hen you and
your wife have a conflict, show your children how two people can make up. The most
important area of life you prepare your children for is marriage and family, and their
best preparation is to live with a dad who loves their mom.
2. Be a man of integrity--or your words will fall on deaf ears.
!ho you are behind closed doors is the real you. If you sing in the choir on $undays
and then yell at your wife all week, whatever you say about kindness and caring
won't count in your children's eyes. %o you keep your promises& !hen you commit
to do something with your kids, do you break your back to carry it through&
'ecently, my oldest son, (ryan, introduced me to a group by listing my credentials,
then he said, )"ou know, those things are nice, but they don't mean anything to me.
!hat means the most to me is that my dad is in private what you see in public. That
inspired me to be even more consistent.
3. Your children's importance to you can be measured by how much time you
spend with them.
*alendars don't lie. +o matter what we say, children know we spend time on the
things and with the people that are most important to us. 'emember this when you
are deciding whether or not to attend an activity that is important to them.
,lan to spend time with your children. -very Thursday before school, my two
younger children and I get up early, go out to breakfast and have (ible study. They
know that's in %ad's schedule, and we have a lot of fun. !hatever your work
schedule is, it's dad's responsibility to foster times of .ust being with his children.
/ind out what interests each child 0it will be different for each one1. 2y sons like
sports, so we go to ball games. 2y daughters like to go to the mall, so that is where I
take them.
. You! more than anyone else! can give your children lifelong self-worth.
3ow your children perceive their worth in dad's eyes powerfully influences their
lives. 2y mother has been a phenomenal influence in my life. (ut when my dad
would say, )$on, that was a good .ob,) that meant so much to me4 A man makes a
lasting mark on his kids' lives when he gives them appropriate praise. It inspires them
and gives them an incentive to reach higher.
(ut the reverse is also true. +ever call your children names or use demeaning words--
from dad those arrows inflict deep wounds. $eparate any negative behavior from their
personhood.
". #ommunicate as a family.
A united family makes children feel secure. $hare at least one meal every day as a
family, when you sit down and talk about the issues of the day. $pend one night a
week together as a family 0not watching T51. It doesn't have to be e6pensive7 you
could play games together, go for walks, or go to a park. %uring family times, the
toughest things for us dads is to learn how to listen. !e love to give advice, but only
by listening will we learn what their hearts need.
$. %nderstand your mission.
"our mission as a father is to present to the world a gift from your home who will
live on after you. The pressure of taking care of one crisis after another, and trying to
make ends meet, easily distracts us from devoting time to this mission.
It's unfair to our wives that so often we come home too tired from our .obs, our
friends, and our social activities to have any .oy or energy left for our children. If one
of them got disciplined that day by their mother, a dad should be able to pull him
aside and say, )I understand 2om had to discipline you today. !hat was the issue
involved& 3ow are you going to do it differently ne6t time&)
&. Be vulnerable and admit your wea'nesses.
The other evening I really came down hard on 3eather, my oldest daughter. I didn't
have all the information, but since we had talked about this issue several times, I
knew I was 8 percent right. After I got the rest of the story, I reali9ed I was
completely wrong. I had to say, )$weetheart, your hardheaded father was wrong
again. There is no e6cuse for how I reacted. ,lease forgive me&)
,ride makes us fear people thinking we are weak, instead of in charge. (ut our
children don't only need to see our successes. They need to see that when we hurt
others, we seek healing7 that when we make bad decisions, we deal with them
responsibly.
(. )iscipline means character development! not venting anger.
%on't discipline your child out of anger. :ive yourself time to cool off. *hildren need
to see that discipline and love are not opposites.
(efore ;aren and I had children, an older couple shared some wisdom< )!henever
you spank your children, try praying with them first. After you pray together, tell
them why you are spanking them. After the spanking, pray with them again.)
%iscipline is not punishment--it might involve pain, but its purpose is correction and
development. I want my kids to know that when I take privileges away from them, or
when they have to be spanked, it's not to torment them. It's so that later in life my
kids don't have habit patterns that hurt them.
*. )on't overprotect--let children learn the law of reaping what they sow.
I bought (ryan an in-style sports team hat. I told him not to wear it to school because
kids there were getting their hats stolen. 3e ignored my warning and, sure enough,
his hat got stolen. !e were pretty sure who took it, and my first thought was to go
down and get that hat. (ut then I reali9ed, )+o, don't do it this time.) (ryan needed to
learn a lesson.
!hen our children make bad decisions, sometimes the best thing a dad can do is to
stand back and let them feel the heat. #earning that )you reap what you sow) is a
very important part of becoming an adult.
I don't want (ryan to do right because I said so7 I want him to reason for himself why
something is a bad choice. =nless our children suffer the conse>uences of their
affections, they'll never be able to make informed, reasoned decisions on their own.
1+. )on't be afraid to show your tender side.
Tender words and affection matter. $tudies show that when children don't e6perience
that affection, they will search for it in self-destructive ways. A day shouldn't go by
that a dad does not tell his children, )I love you.) -ach day may be the last time we
have that opportunity.
It takes a lot of energy to shape the lives :od has entrusted to us as fathers. !e need
to make the most of our time with our children, so that we never look back and wish,
)If only I had spent more time, or given more praise, or told them how much I loved
them.) I want to give my best to being a father. -ven if my children decide to adopt
values contrary to what ;aren and I have taught them, I never, ever want them to say
it's because they felt like they got the leftovers in my life.