How to Be an Alien - George Mikes

How to Be an Alien
A Handbook for Beginners and More Advanced Pupils - By George Mikes [1912-198!"
Publis#ed by $inga%e& 'ondon ( )* 19+,
Preface
-. #ave seen /uc# %o #a%e #ere& /uc# %o forgive"
Bu% in a 0orld 0#ere 1ngland is finis#ed and dead&
. do no% 0is# %o live"-
-- Alice Duer Miller 2 The White Cliffs
. believe& 0i%#ou% undue /odes%y& %#a% . #ave cer%ain 3ualifica%ions %o 0ri%e on -#o0 %o be an alien"- .
a/ an alien /yself" $#a% is /ore& . #ave been an alien all /y life" 4nly during %#e firs% 2, years of /y
life 0as . no% a0are of %#is plain fac%" . 0as living in /y o0n coun%ry& a coun%ry full of aliens& and .
no%iced no%#ing par%icular or irregular abou% /yself5 %#en . ca/e %o 1ngland& and you can i/agine /y
painful surprise"
'ike all grea% and i/por%an% discoveries i% 0as a /a%%er of a fe0 seconds" *ou probably all kno0 fro/
your sc#ooldays #o0 .saac )e0%on discovered %#e la0 of gravi%a%ion" An apple fell on #is #ead" 6#is
inciden% se% #i/ %#inking for a /inu%e or %0o& %#en #e e7clai/ed 8oyfully2 -4f course9 6#e gravi%a%ion
cons%an% is %#e accelera%ion per second %#a% a /ass of one gra/ causes a% a dis%ance of once cen%i/e%re"-
*ou 0ere also %aug#% %#a% :a/es $a%% one day 0en% in%o %#e ki%c#en 0#ere cabbage 0as cooking and
sa0 %#e lid of %#e saucepan rise and fall" -)o0 le% /e %#ink&- #e /ur/ured - -le% /e %#ink"- 6#en #e
s%ruck #is fore#ead and %#e s%ea/ engine 0as discovered" .% 0as %#e sa/e 0i%# /e& al%#oug#
circu/s%ances 0ere ra%#er differen%"
.% 0as like %#is" ;o/e years ago . spen% a lo% of %i/e 0i%# a young lady 0#o 0as very proud and
conscious of being 1nglis#" 4nce s#e asked /e - %o /y grea% surprise - 0#e%#er . 0ould /arry #er"
-)o&- . replied& -. 0ill no%" My /o%#er 0ould never agree %o /y /arrying a foreigner"- ;#e looked a%
/e a li%%le surprised and irri%a%ed& and re%or%ed2 -.& a foreigner< $#a% a silly %#ing %o say" . a/ 1nglis#"
*ou are %#e foreigner" And your /o%#er& %oo"- . did no% give in" -.n Budapes%& %oo<- . asked #er"
-1very0#ere&- s#e declared 0i%# de%er/ina%ion" -6ru%# does no% depend on geograp#y" $#a% is %rue in
1ngland is also %rue in Hungary and in )or%# Borneo and =ene>uela and every0#ere"-
. sa0 %#a% %#is %#eory 0as as irrefu%able as i% 0as si/ple" . 0as s%ar%led and upse%" Mainly because of /y
/o%#er 0#o/ . loved and respec%ed" )o0& . suddenly learned 0#a% s#e really 0as"
.% is a s#a/e and bad %as%e %o be an alien& and i% is no use pre%ending o%#er0ise" 6#ere is no 0ay ou% of i%"
A cri/inal /ay i/prove and beco/e a decen% /e/ber of socie%y" A foreigner canno% i/prove" 4nce a
foreigner& al0ays a foreigner" 6#ere is no 0ay ou% for #i/" He /ay beco/e Bri%is#5 #e can never
beco/e 1nglis#"
;o i% is be%%er %o reconcile yourself %o %#e sorro0ful reali%y" 6#ere are so/e noble 1nglis# people 0#o
/ig#% forgive you" 6#ere are so/e /agnani/ous s#ould 0#o realise %#a% i% is no% your faul%& only your
/isfor%une" 6#ey 0ill %rea% you 0i%# condescension& unders%anding and sy/pa%#y" 6#ey 0ill invi%e you
in%o %#eir #o/es" :us% as %#ey keep lap-dogs and o%#er pe%s& %#ey are 3ui%e prepared %o keep a fe0
foreigners"
1
6#e %i%le of %#is book& -Ho0 %o be an Alien-& conse3uen%ly e7presses /ore %#an i% s#ould" Ho0 %o be an
alien< 4ne s#ould no% be an alien a% all" 6#ere are cer%ain rules& #o0ever& 0#ic# #ave %o be follo0ed if
you 0an% %o /ake yourself as accep%able and civilised as you possibly can"
;%udy %#ese rules& and i/i%a%e %#e 1nglis#" 6#ere can be only one resul%2 if you don?% succeed in i/i%a%ing
%#e/ you beco/e ridiculous5 if you do& you beco/e even /ore ridiculous"
G"M"
Chapter 1 - How To Be a General Alien
A Warning To Beginners
.n 1ngland [1!& every%#ing is %#e o%#er 0ay round"
4n ;undays on %#e @on%inen% even %#e poores% person pu%s on #is bes% sui%& %ries %o look respec%able& and
a% %#e sa/e %i/e %#e life of %#e coun%ry beco/es gay and c#eerful5 in 1ngland even %#e ric#es% peer or
/o%or-/anufac%urer dresses in so/e peculiar rags& does no% s#ave& and %#e coun%ry beco/es dull and
dreary" 4n %#e @on%inen% %#ere is one %opic 0#ic# s#ould be avoided - %#e 0ea%#er5 in 1ngland& if you do
no% repea% %#e p#rase -'ovely day& isn?% i%<- a% leas% %0o #undred %i/es a day& you are considered a bi%
dull" 4n %#e @on%inen% ;unday papers appear on Monday5 in 1ngland - a coun%ry of e7o%ic oddi%ies -
%#ey appear on ;unday" 4n %#e @on%inen% people use a fork as %#oug# a fork 0ere a s#ovel5 in 1ngland
%#ey %urn i% upside do0n and pus# every%#ing - including peas - on %op of i%"
4n a con%inen%al bus approac#ing a re3ues%-s%op %#e conduc%or rings %#e bell if #e 0an%s %#e bus %o go on
0i%#ou% s%opping5 in 1ngland you ring %#e bell if you 0an% %#e bus %o s%op" 4n %#e @on%inen% s%ray ca%s
are 8udged individually on %#eir /eri% - so/e are loved& so/e are only respec%ed5 in 1ngland %#ey are
universally 0ors#ipped as in ancien% 1gyp%" 4n %#e @on%inen% people #ave good food5 in 1ngland people
#ave good %able /anners"
4n %#e @on%inen% public ora%ors %ry %o learn %o speak fluen%ly and s/oo%#ly5 in 1ngland %#ey %ake a
special course in 47onian s%u%%ering" 4n %#e @on%inen% learned persons love %o 3uo%e Aris%o%le& Horace&
Mon%aigne and s#o0 off %#eir kno0ledge5 in 1ngland only uneduca%ed people s#o0 off %#eir kno0ledge&
nobody 3uo%es 'a%in and Greek au%#ors in %#e course of a conversa%ion& unless #e #as never read %#e/"
4n %#e @on%inen% al/os% every na%ion 0#e%#er li%%le or grea% #as openly declared a% one %i/e or ano%#er
%#a% i% is superior %o all o%#er na%ions5 %#e 1nglis# fig#% #eroic 0ars %o co/ba% %#ese dangerous ideas
0i%#ou% ever /en%ioning 0#ic# is really %#e /os% superior race in %#e 0orld" @on%inen%al people are
sensi%ive and %ouc#y5 %#e 1nglis# %ake every%#ing 0i%# an e73uisi%e sense of #u/our - %#ey are only
offended if you %ell %#e/ %#ey #ave no sense of #u/our" 4n %#e @on%inen% %#e popula%ion consis%s of a
s/all percen%age of cri/inals& a s/all percen%age of #ones% people and %#e res% are a vague %ransi%ion
be%0een %#e %0o5 in 1ngland you find a s/all percen%age of cri/inals and %#e res% are #ones% people" 4n
%#e o%#er #and& people on %#e @on%inen% ei%#er %ell you %#e %ru%# or lie5 in 1ngland %#ey #ardly ever lie&
bu% %#ey 0ould no% drea/ of %elling you %#e %ru%#"
Many con%inen%als %#ink life is a ga/e5 %#e 1nglis# %#ink cricke% is a ga/e"
[1! $#en people say 1ngland& %#ey so/e%i/es /ean Grea% Bri%ain& so/e%i/es %#e Ani%ed Bingdo/&
so/e%i/es %#e Bri%is# .sles - bu% never 1ngland"
2
Introduction
6#is is a c#ap%er on #o0 %o in%roduce people %o one ano%#er"
6#e ai/ of in%roduc%ion is %o conceal a person?s iden%i%y" .% is very i/por%an% %#a% you s#ould no%
pronounce anybody?s na/e in a 0ay %#a% %#e o%#er par%y /ay be able %o ca%c# i%" Generally speaking&
your pronuncia%ion is a sound guaran%ee for %#a%" 4n %#e o%#er #and& if you are in%roduced %o so/eone
%#ere are %0o i/por%an% rules %o follo0"
1" .f #e s%re%c#es ou% #is #and in order %o s#ake yours& you /us% no% accep% i%" ;/ile vaguely& and as soon
as #e gives up #ope of s#aking you by %#e #and& you s%re%c# ou% yours and %ry %o ca%c# his in vain" 6#is
ga/e is repea%ed un%il %#e grea%er par% of %#e af%ernoon or evening #as elapsed" .% is e7%re/ely likely %#a%
%#is 0ill be %#e /os% a/using par% of %#e af%ernoon or evening& any0ay"
2" 4nce %#e in%roduc%ion #as been /ade you #ave %o in3uire af%er %#e #eal%# of your ne0 ac3uain%ance"
6ry %#e %#ing in your o0n language" .n%roduce %#e persons& le% us say& in Crenc# and /ur/ur %#eir
na/es" ;#ould %#ey s#ake #ands and ask2
-@o//en% alle>-vous<-
-@o//en% alle>-vous<- - i% 0ill be a capi%al 8oke& re/e/bered %ill %#eir las% days"
Do no% forge%& #o0ever& %#a% your ne0 friend 0#o /akes %#is %ouc#ingly kind en3uiry af%er your s%a%e of
#eal%# does no% care in %#e leas% 0#e%#er you are 0ell and kicking or dying of deliriu/ %re/ens" A
dialogue like %#is2
He2 -Ho0 d?you do<-
*ou2 -General s%a%e of #eal%# fairly sa%isfac%ory" ;lig#% inso/nia and a ra%#er bad corn on lef% foo%"
Blood pressure lo0& diges%ion slo0 bu% nor/al"-
- 0ell& suc# a dialogue 0ould be unforgivable"
.n %#e ne7% p#ase& you /us% no% say -Please %o /ee% you"- 6#is is one of %#e very fe0 lies you /us%
never u%%er because& for so/e unkno0n reason& i% is considered vulgar" *ou /us% no% say -Please %o /ee%
you&- even if your are defini%ely disgus%ed 0i%# %#e /an"
A fe0 general re/arks2
EaF Do no% click your #eels& do no% bo0& leave off gy/nas%ic and c#oreograp#ic e7ercises al%oge%#er for
%#e /o/en%"
EbF Do no% call foreign la0yers& %eac#ers& den%is%s& co//ercial %ravellers and es%a%e agen%s -Doc%or"-
1veryone kno0s %#a% %#e li%%le 0ord -doc%or- only /eans %#ey are @en%ral 1uropeans" 6#is is painful
enoug# in i%self& you do no% need %o re/ind people of i% all %#e %i/e"
The Weather
3
6#is is %#e /os% i/por%an% %opic in %#e land" Do no% be /isled by /e/ories of your you%# 0#en& on %#e
@on%inen%& 0an%ing %o describe so/eone as e7cep%ionally dull& you re/arked2 -He is %#e %ype 0#o 0ould
discuss %#e 0ea%#er 0i%# you"- .n 1ngland %#is is an ever-in%eres%ing& even %#rilling %opic& and you /us%
be good as discussing %#e 0ea%#er"
Exaples for con!ersation
"or Good Weather "or Bad Weather
-'ovely day& isn?% i%<-
-.sn?% i% beau%iful<-
-6#e sun """-
-.sn?% i% gorgeous<-
-$onderful& isn?% i%<-
-.%?s so nice and #o% """-
-Personally& . %#ink i%?s so nice 0#en
i%?s #o% - isn?% i%<-
-. adore i% - don?% you<-
-)as%y day& isn?% i%<-
-.sn?% i% dreadful<-
-6#e rain """ . #a%e %#e rain """-
-. don?% like i% a% all" Do you<-
-Cancy suc# a day in :uly" Gain in %#e /orning& %#en a bi% of
suns#ine& and %#en rain& rain& rain all day long"-
-. re/e/ber e7ac%ly %#e sa/e :uly day in 19H,"-
-*es& . re/e/ber %oo"-
-4r 0as i% in 1928<-
-*es& i% 0as"-
-4r in 19H9<-
-*es& %#a%?s rig#%"-
)o0 observe %#e las% fe0 sen%ences of %#is conversa%ion" A very i/por%an% rule e/erges fro/ i%" *ou
/us% never con%radic% anybody 0#en discussing %#e 0ea%#er" ;#ould i% #ail and sno0& s#ould #urricanes
uproo% %#e %rees fro/ %#e sides of %#e road& and s#ould so/eone re/ark %o you2 -)ice day& isn?% i%<- -
ans0er 0i%#ou% #esi%a%ion2 -.sn?% i% lovely<-
'earn %#e above conversa%ion by #ear%" .f you are a bi% slo0 in picking %#ings up& learn a% leas% one
conversa%ion& i% 0ould do 0onderfully for any occasion"
.f you do no% say any%#ing else for %#e res% of your life& 8us% repea% %#is conversa%ion& you s%ill #ave a fair
c#ance of passing as a re/arkably 0i%%y /an of s#arp in%ellec%& keen observa%ion and e7%re/ely pleasan%
/anners"
1nglis# socie%y is a class socie%y& s%ric%ly organised al/os% on corpora%ive lines" .f you doub% %#is& lis%en
%o %#e 0ea%#er forecas%s" 6#ere is al0ays a differen% 0ea%#er forecas% for far/ers" *ou of%en #ear
s%a%e/en%s like %#is on %#e radio2
-6o/orro0 i% 0ill be cold& cloudy and foggy5 long periods of rain 0ill be in%errup%ed by s#or% periods of
s#o0ers"-
And %#en2
-$ea%#er forecas% for far/ers" .% 0ill be fair and 0ar/& /any #ours of suns#ine"-
*ou /us% no% forge% %#a% far/ers do grand 0ork of na%ional i/por%ance and deserve be%%er 0ea%#er"
.% #appened on innu/erable occasions %#a% nice& 0ar/ 0ea%#er #ad been forecas% and rain and sno0 fell
all day long& or vice verse" ;o/e people 8u/ped ras#ly %o %#e conclusion %#a% so/e%#ing /us% be 0rong
0i%# %#e 0ea%#er forecas%s" 6#ey are /is%aken and s#ould be /ore careful 0i%# %#eir allega%ions"
4
. #ave read an ar%icle in one of %#e ;unday papers and no0 . can %ell you 0#a% %#e si%ua%ion really is" All
%roubles are caused by an%i-cyclones" E. don?% 3ui%e kno0 0#a% an%i-cyclones are& bu% %#is is no%
i/por%an%5 . #a%e cyclones and very an%i-cyclone /yself"F 6#e %0o naug#%ies% an%i-cyclones are %#e
A>ores and %#e Polar an%i-cyclones"
6#e Bri%is# /e%eorologis%s forecas% %#e right 0ea%#er - as i% really should be - and %#en %#ese i/per%inen%
li%%le an%i-cyclones in%erfere and /ess up every%#ing"
6#a% again proves %#a% if %#e Bri%is# kep% %o %#e/selves and did no% /i7 0i%# foreign %#ings like Polar
and A>ores an%i-cyclones %#ey 0ould be /uc# be%%er off"
#oul and $nderstateent
Coreigners #ave souls5 %#e 1nglis# #aven?%"
4n %#e @on%inen% you find any a/oun% of people 0#o sig# deeply for no conspicuous reason& yearn&
suffer and look in %#e air e7%re/ely sadly" 6#is is soul"
6#e 0ors% kind of soul is %#e grea% ;lav soul" People 0#o suffer fro/ i% are usually very deep %#inkers"
6#ey /ay say %#ings like %#is2 -;o/e%i/es . a/ so /erry and so/e%i/es . a/ so sad" @an you e7plain
0#y<- E*ou canno%& do no% %ry"F 4r %#ey /ay say2 -. a/ so /ys%erious """ . so/e%i/es 0is# . 0ere
so/e0#ere else %#an 0#ere . a/"- EDo no% say2 -. 0is# you 0ere"-F 4r -$#en . a/ alone in %#e fores% a%
nig#%-%i/e and 8u/p fro/ one %ree %o ano%#er& . of%en %#ink %#a% life is so s%range"-
All %#is is very deep2 and 8us% soul& no%#ing else"
6#e 1nglis# #ave no soul5 %#ey #ave %#e unders%a%e/en% ins%ead"
.f a con%inen%al you%# 0an%s %o declare #is love %o a girl& #e kneels do0n& %ells #er %#a% s#e is %#e
s0ee%es%& %#e /os% c#ar/ing and ravis#ing person in %#e 0orld& %#a% s#e #as something in #er& so/e%#ing
peculiar and individual 0#ic# only a fe0 #undred %#ousand o%#er 0o/en #ave and %#a% #e 0ould be
unable %o live one /ore /inu%e 0i%#ou% #er" 4f%en& %o give a li%%le /ore e/p#asis %o %#e s%a%e/en%& #e
s#oo%s #i/self on %#e spo%" 6#is is a nor/al& 0eek-day declara%ion of love in %#e /ore %e/pera/en%al
con%inen%al coun%ries" .n 1ngland %#e boy pa%s #is adored one on %#e back and says sof%ly2 -. don?% ob8ec%
%o you& you kno0"- .f #e is 3ui%e /ad 0i%# passion& #e /ay add2 -. ra%#er fancy you& in fac%"-
.f #e 0an%s %o /arry a girl #e says2 -. say """ 0ould you< """-
.f #e 0an%s %o /ake an indecen% proposal2 -. say """ 0#a% abou% """-
4vers%a%e/en%& %oo& plays a considerable par% in 1nglis# social life" 6#is %akes /os%ly %#e for/ of
so/eone re/arking2 -. say """- and %#en keeping silen% for %#ree days on end"
Tea
6#e %rouble 0i%# %ea is %#a% originally i% 0as 3ui%e a good drink"
5
;o a group of %#e /os% e/inen% Bri%is# scien%is%s pu% %#eir #eads %oge%#er& and /ade co/plica%ed
biological e7peri/en%s %o find a 0ay of spoiling i%"
6o %#e e%ernal glory of Bri%is# science %#eir labour bore frui%" 6#ey sugges%ed %#a% if you do no% drink i%
clear& or 0i%# le/on or ru/ and sugar& bu% pour a fe0 drops of cold /ilk in%o i%& and no sugar a% all& %#e
desired ob8ec% is ac#ieved" 4nce %#is refres#ing& aro/a%ic& orien%al beverage 0as successfully
%ransfor/ed in%o colourless and %as%eless gargling-0a%er& i% suddenly beca/e %#e na%ional drink of Grea%
Bri%ain and .reland - s%ill re%aining& indeed usurping& %#e #ig#-sounding %i%le of %ea"
6#ere are so/e occasions 0#en you /us% no% refuse a cup of %ea& o%#er0ise you are 8udged an e7o%ic and
barbarous bird 0i%#ou% any #ope of ever being able %o %ake your place in civilised socie%y"
.f you are invi%ed in%o an 1nglis# #o/e& a% five o?clock in %#e /orning you ge% a cup of %ea" .% is ei%#er
broug#% in by a #ear%ily s/iling #os%ess or an al/os% /alevolen%ly silen% /aid" $#en you are dis%urbed
in your s0ee%es% /orning sleep you /us% no% say2 -Mada/e Eor MabelF& . %#ink you are a cruel& spi%eful
and /alignan% person 0#o deserves %o be s#o%"- 4n %#e con%rary& you #ave %o declare 0i%# your bes% five
o?clock s/ile2 -6#ank you so /uc#" . do adore a cup of early /orning %ea& especially early in %#e
/orning"- .f %#ey leave you alone 0i%# %#e li3uid& you /ay pour i% do0n %#e 0as#basin"
6#en you #ave %ea for breakfas%5 %#en you #ave %ea a% 11 o?clock in %#e /orning5 %#en af%er lunc#5 %#en
you #ave %ea for %ea5 %#en af%er supper5 and again a% 11 o?clock a% nig#%"
*ou /us% no% refuse addi%ional cups of %ea under %#e follo0ing circu/s%ances2 if i% is #o%5 if i% is cold5 if
you are %ired5 if anybody %#inks you /ig#% be %ired5 if you are nervous5 if you are gay5 before you go ou%5
if you are ou%5 if you #ave 8us% re%urned #o/e5 if you feel like i%5 if you do no% feel like i%5 if you #ave
#ad no %ea for so/e %i/e5 if you #ave 8us% #ad a cup"
*ou defini%ely /us% no% follo0 /y e7a/ple" . sleep a% five o?clock in %#e /orning5 . #ave coffee for
breakfas%5 . drink innu/erable cups of black coffee during %#e day5 . #ave %#e /os% unor%#odo7 and
e7o%ic %eas even a% %ea-%i/e"
6#e o%#er day& for ins%ance - . 8us% /en%ion %#is as a %errifying e7a/ple %o s#o0 you #o0 lo0 so/e
people can sink - . 0an%ed a cup of coffee and a piece of c#eese for %ea" .% 0as one of %#ose
e7cep%ionally #o% days and /y 0ife Eonce a good 1nglis#0o/an& no0 co/ple%ely and #opelessly led
as%ray by /y 0icked foreign influenceF /ade so/e cold coffee and pu% i% in %#e refrigera%or& 0#ere i%
fro>e and beco/e one solid block" 4n %#e o%#er #and& s#e lef% %#e c#eese on %#e ki%c#en %able& 0#ere i%
/el%ed" ;o . #ave a piece of coffee and a glass of c#eese"
#ex
@on%inen%al people #ave se7 life5 %#e 1nglis# #ave #o%-0a%er bo%%les"
A Word on #oe Pu%lishers
. #eard of a dis%inguis#ed pure-/inded 1nglis# publis#er 0#o adap%ed :o#n ;%einbeck?s novel& -6#e
Grapes of $ra%#&- so skillfully %#a% i% beca/e a c#ar/ing li%%le fa/ily book on grapes and o%#er frui%s&
0i%# /any illus%ra%ions"
6
4n %#e o%#er #and& a con%inen%al publis#er in 'ondon #ad a Crenc# poli%ical book& -6#e Popular Cron%&-
%ransla%ed in%o 1nglis#" .% beca/e an e7ci%ing& pornograp#ic book called -6#e Popular Be#ind"-
The &anguage
$#en . arrived in 1ngland . %#oug#% . kne0 1nglis#" Af%er .?d been #ere an #our . realised %#a% . did no%
unders%and one 0ord" .n %#e firs% 0eek . picked up a %olerable 0orking kno0ledge of %#e language and
%#e ne7% seven years convinced /e gradually bur %#oroug#ly %#a% . 0ould never kno0 i% really 0ell& le%
alone perfec%ly" 6#is is sad" My only consola%ion being %#a% nobody speaks 1nglis# perfec%ly"
Ge/e/ber %#a% %#ose five #undred 0ords an average 1nglis#/an uses are far fro/ being %#e 0#ole
vocabulary of %#e language" *ou /ay learn ano%#er five #undred and ye% ano%#er five %#ousand and ye%
ano%#er fif%y %#ousand and s%ill you /ay co/e across a fur%#er fif%y %#ousand you #ave never #eard
before& and nobody else ei%#er"
.f you live #ere long enoug# you 0ill find ou% %o your grea% a/a>e/en% %#a% %#e ad8ec%ive nice is no% %#e
only ad8ec%ive %#a% %#e language possesses& in spi%e of %#e fac% %#a% in %#e firs% %#ree years you do no% need
%o learn any o%#er ad8ec%ives" *ou can say %#e 0ea%#er is nice& a res%auran% is nice& Mr" ;oandso is nice&
Mrs" ;oandso?s clo%#es are nice& you #ad a nice %i/e& and all %#is 0ill be very nice"
6#en you #ave %o decide on your accen%" *ou 0ill #ave your foreign accen%& all rig#%& bu% /any people
like %o /i7 i% 0i%# so/e%#ing else" . kne0 a Polis# :e0 0#o #ad a s%rong *iddis#-.ris# accen%" People
found i% fascina%ing %#oug# slig#%ly e7aggera%ed" 6#e easies% 0ay %o give %#e i/pression of #aving a
good accen% or no foreign accen% is %o #old an unli% pipe in your /ou%#& %o /u%%er be%0een your %ee%# and
finis# all your sen%ences 0i%# %#e 3ues%ion2 -isn?% i%<- People 0ill no% unders%and /uc#& bu% %#ey are
accus%o/ed %o %#a% and %#ey 0ill ge% a /os% e7cellen% i/pression"
. #ave kno0n 3ui%e a nu/ber of foreigners 0#o %ried #ard %o ac3uire an 47ford accen%" 6#e advan%age
of %#is is %#a% you give %#e i/pression of being per/anen%ly in %#e co/pany of 47fords dons and
lec%urers on /ediaeval nu/is/a%ics5 %#e disadvan%age is %#a% %#e per/anen% singing is ra%#er a s%rain on
your %#roa% and %#a% i% is a %ype of affec%a%ion %#a% even /any 1nglis# people find #ard %o keep up
incessan%ly" *ou /ay fall ou% of i%& speak na%urally& and %#en 0#ere are you<
6#e Mayfair accen% can be #ig#ly reco//ended& %oo" 6#e advan%ages of Mayfair 1nglis# are %#a% i%
uni%es %#e affec%ed air of %#e 47ford accen% 0i%# %#e uncul%ured flavour of a #alf-educa%ed professional
#o%el-dancer"
6#e /os% successful a%%e/p%s& #o0ever& %o pu% on a #ig#ly cul%ured air #ave been /ade on %#e
polysyllabic lines" Many foreigners 0#o #ave learn% 'a%in and Greek in sc#ool discover 0i%# a/a>e/en%
and sa%isfac%ion %#a% %#e 1nglis# language #as absorbed a #uge a/oun% of ancien% la%in and Greek
e7pressions& and %#ey realise %#a% EaF i% is /uc# easier %o learn %#ese e7pressions %#an %#e /uc# si/pler
1nglis# 0ords5 EbF %#a% %#ese 0ords as a rule are in%er/inably long and /ake a si/ply superb
i/pression 0#en %alking %o %#e greengrocer& %#e por%er and %#e insurance agen%"
./agine& for ins%ance& %#a% %#e por%er of %#e block of fla%s 0#ere you live re/arks s#arply %#a% you /us%
no% pu% your dus%bin ou% in fron% of your door before 2HI a"/" ;#ould you ans0er -please don?% bully
/e&- a loud and %ireso/e argu/en% /ay follo0& and cer%ainly %#e por%er 0ill be proved rig#%& because
you are sure %o find a clause in your con%rac% Es/all prin%& bo%%o/ of las% pageF %#a% %#e por%er is al0ays
rig#% and you o0e absolu%e allegiance and uncondi%ional obedience %o #i/" ;#ould you ans0er&
7
#o0ever& 0i%# %#ese 0ords2 -. repudia%e your pe%ulan% e7pos%ula%ions&- %#e argu/en% 0ill be closed a%
once& %#e por%er 0ill be proud of #aving suc# a #ig#ly cul%ured /an in %#e block& and fro/ %#a% day
on0ards you /ay& if you please& ge% up a% four o?clock in %#e /orning and #ang your dus%bin ou% %#e
0indo0"
Bu% even in @ur>on ;%ree% socie%y& if you say& for ins%ance& %#a% you are a tough guy %#ey 0ill consider
you a vulgar& irri%a%ing and ob8ec%ionable person" ;#ould you declare& #o0ever& %#a% you are an
inquisitorial and peremptory homo sapiens& %#ey 0ill #ave no idea 0#a% you /ean& bu% %#ey 0ill feel in
%#eir bones %#a% you /us% be so/e%#ing 0onderful"
$#en you kno0 all %#e long 0ords i% is advisable %o s%ar% learning so/e of %#e s#or% ones %oo"
*ou s#ould be careful 0#en using %#ese endless 0ords" An ac3uain%ance of /ine once 0as for%una%e
enoug# %o discover %#e /os% i/pressive 0ord notalgia for back-ac#e" Mis%akenly& #o0ever& #e declared
in a large co/pany2
-. #ave suc# a nos%algia"-
-4#& you 0an% %o go #o/e %o )i>#ne-)ovgorod<- asked #is /os% sy/pa%#e%ic #os%ess"
-)o% a% all&- #e ans0ered" -. 8us% canno% si% do0n"-
Cinally& %#ere are %0o i/por%an% poin%s %o re/e/ber2
1" Do no% forge% %#a% i% is /uc# easier %o 0ri%e in 1nglis# %#an %o speak in 1nglis#& because you can
write 0i%#ou% a foreign accen%"
2" .n a bus and in o%#er public places i% is /ore advisable %o speak sof%ly in good Ger/an %#an %o
s#ou% in abo/inable 1nglis#"
Any0ay& %#is 0#ole language business is no% a% all easy" Af%er spending eig#% years in %#is coun%ry& %#e
o%#er day . 0as %old by a very kind lady2 -Bu% 0#y do you co/plain< *ou really speak a /os% e7cellen%
accen% 0i%#ou% %#e slig#%es% 1nglis#"-
How 'ot to %e Cle!er
-*ou foreigners are so clever&- said a lady %o /e so/e years ago" Cirs%& %#inking of %#e grea% a/oun% of
foreign idio%s and #alf-0i%s . #ad #ad %#e #onour of /ee%ing& . considered %#is re/ark e7aggera%ed bu%
co/pli/en%ary"
;ince %#en . #ave learn% %#a% i% 0as far fro/ i%" 6#ese fe0 0ords e7pressed %#e lady?s con%e/p% and slig#%
disgus% for foreigners"
.f you look up %#e 0ord clever in any 1nglis# dic%ionary& you 0ill find %#a% %#e dic%ionaries are ou% of
da%e and /islead you on %#is poin%" According %o %#e Pocke% 47ford Dic%ionary& for ins%ance& %#e 0ord
/eans 3uick and nea% in /ove/en% """ skillful& %alen%ed& ingenious" )u%%all?s Dic%ionary gives %#ese
/eanings2 de7%erous& skillful& ingenious& 3uick or ready-0i%%ed& in%elligen%" All nice ad8ec%ives&
e7pressing valuable and es%i/able c#arac%eris%ics" A /odern 1nglis#/an& #o0ever& uses %#e 0ord
clever in %#e sense2 s#re0d& sly& fur%ive& surrep%i%ious& %reac#erous& sneaking& craf%y& un-1nglis#& un-
;co%%is#& un-$els#"
8
.n 1ngland i% is bad /anners %o be clever& %o asser% so/e%#ing confiden%ly" .% /ay be your o0n personal
vie0 %#a% %0o and %0o /ake four& bu% you /us% no% s%a%e i% in a self-assured 0ay& because %#is is a
de/ocra%ic coun%ry and o%#ers /ay be of a differen% opinion"
A con%inen%al gen%le/an seeing a nice panora/a /ay re/ark2
-6#is vie0 re/inds /e of Al%rec#%& 0#ere %#e peace %rea%y concluding %#e $ar of ;panis# ;uccession
0as signed on %#e 11%# April& 11H" 6#e river %#ere& #o0ever& recalls %#e Guadal3uivir& 0#ic# rises in
%#e ;ierra de @a>orla and flo0s sou%#-0es% %o %#e A%lan%ic 4cean and is ,JI kilo/e%res long" 4#
rivers """ 0#a% did Pascal say abou% %#e/< ?'es riviKres son% les c#e/ins 3ui /arc#en% """? -
6#is po/pous& s#o0ing-off 0ay of speaking is no% per/issible in 1ngland" 6#e 1nglis#/an looking a%
%#e sa/e vie0 0ould re/ain silen% for %0o or %#ree #ours and %#ink abou% #o0 %o pu% #is profound
feelings in%o 0ords" 6#e #e 0ould re/ark2
-.%?s pre%%y& isn?% i%<-
An 1nglis# professor of /a%#e/a%ics 0ould say %o #is /aid c#ecking up %#e s#opping lis%2
-.?/ no good a% ari%#/e%ic& .?/ afraid" Please correc% /e& :ane& if . a/ 0rong& bu% . believe %#e s3uare
roo% of 9H++ is H12"-
And abou% kno0ledge" An 1nglis# girl& of course& 0ould be able %o learn 8us% a li%%le /ore abou%& say&
geograp#y" Bu% i% is 8us% no% -c#ic- %o kno0 0#e%#er Budapes% is %#e capi%al of Gou/ania& Hungary of
Bulgaria" And if s#e #appens %o kno0 %#a% Budapes% is %#e capi%al of Gou/ania& s#e s#ould a% leas% be
perple7ed if Buc#ares% is /en%ioned suddenly"
.% is so /uc# nicer %o ask& 0#en so/eone speaks of Barbados& Banska Bys%rica or Ci8i2 -4#& %#ose li%%le
islands """ Are %#ey Bri%is#<- E6#ey usually are"F
How to %e (ude
.% is easy %o be rude on %#e @on%inen%" *ou 8us% s#ou% and call people na/es of a >oological c#arac%er"
4n a slig#%ly #ig#er level you /ay inven% a fe0 s%ories agains% your opponen%s" .n Budapes%& for
ins%ance& 0#en a ra%#er unpleasan%-looking ac%ress 8oined a nudis% club& #er younger and pre%%ier
colleagues spread %#e s%ory %#a% s#e #ad been accep%ed only under %#e condi%ion %#a% s#e 0ear a fig-leaf
on #er face" 4r in %#e sa/e ci%y %#ere 0as a pain%er of li/i%ed abili%ies 0#o 0as a /os% successful card-
player" A colleague of #is re/arked once2 -$#a% a spend%#rif%9 All %#e /oney #e /akes on indus%rious
ga/bling a% nig#%& #e spends on #is pain%ing during %#e day"-
.n 1ngland rudeness #as 3ui%e a differen% %ec#ni3ue" .f so/ebody %ells you an obviously un%rue s%ory& on
%#e @on%inen% you 0ould re/ark -*ou are a liar& ;ir& and a ra%#er dir%y one a% %#a%"- .n 1ngland you 8us%
say -4#& is %#a% so<- 4r -6#a%?s ra%#er an unusual s%ory& isn?% i%<-
$#en so/e years ago& kno0ing %en 0ords of 1nglis# and using %#e/ all 0rong& . applied for a
%ransla%or?s 8ob& /y 0ould-be e/ployer Eor 0ould-no%-be e/ployerF sof%ly re/arked2 -. a/ afraid your
1nglis# is so/e0#a% unor%#odo7"- 6#is %ransla%ed in%o any con%inen%al language 0ould /ean2 1/ployer
E%o %#e co//isionaireF2 -:ean& kick %#is gen%le/an do0n %#e s%eps9-
9
.n %#e las% cen%ury& 0#en a 0icked and un0or%#y sub8ec% annoyed %#e ;ul%an of 6urkey or %#e @>ar of
Gussia& #e #ad #is #ead cu% off 0i%#ou% /uc# cere/ony5 bu% 0#en %#e sa/e #appened in 1ngland& %#e
/onarc# declared2 -$e are no% a/used-5 and %#e 0#ole Bri%is# na%ion even no0& a cen%ury la%er& is
i//ensely proud of #o0 rude %#eir Lueen 0as"
6erribly rude e7pressions Eif pronounced gri/lyF are2 -. a/ afraid %#a% """&- -unless """&- -never%#eless """&-
-Ho0 3ueer """&- and -. a/ sorry& bu% """-
.% is %rue %#a% 3ui%e of%en you can #ear re/arks like2 -*ou?d be%%er see %#a% you ge% ou% of #ere9- 4r -;#u%
your big /ou%#9- 4r -Dir%y pig9- e%c" 6#ese re/arks are very un-1nglis# and are %#e resul%s of foreign
influence" EDa%ing back& #o0ever& %o %#e era of %#e Danis# invasion"F
How to Coproise
$ise co/pro/ise is one of %#e basic principles and vir%ues of %#e Bri%is#"
.f a con%inen%al greengrocer asks 1+ sc#illings Eor cro0ns& or francs& or pengoes& or dinars or leis or
drac#/ai or 0#a%ever you likeF for a bunc# of radis#es& and #is cus%o/er offers 2& and finally %#ey s%rike
a bargain agreeing on , sc#illings& francs& roubles& e%c"& %#is is 8us% %#e lo0 con%inen%al #abi% of
bargaining5 on %#e o%#er #and& if %#e Bri%is# dock-0orkers or any o%#er 0orkers clai/ a rise of +
sc#illings per day& and %#e e/ployers firs% fla%ly refuse even a penny& bu% af%er a si7 0eek s%rike %#ey
agree %o a rise of 2 sc#illings per day - %#a% is ye% ano%#er proof of %#e Bri%is# genius for co/pro/ise"
Bargaining is a repulsive #abi%5 co/pro/ise is one of %#e #ig#es% #u/an vir%ues - %#e difference be%0een
%#e %0o being %#a% %#e firs% is prac%iced on %#e @on%inen%& %#e la%%er in Grea% Bri%ain"
6#e genius for co/pro/ise #as ano%#er aspec%& %oo" .% #as a %endency %o uni%e %oge%#er every%#ing 0#ic#
is bad" 1nglis# club life& for ins%ance& uni%es %#e liabili%ies of social life 0i%# %#e boredo/ of soli%ude" An
average 1nglis# #ouse co/bines all %#e curses of civilisa%ion 0i%# %#e vicissi%udes of life in %#e open" .%
is all rig#% %o #ave 0indo0s& bu% you /us% no% #ave double 0indo0s because double 0indo0s 0ould
indeed s%op %#e 0ind fro/ blo0ing rig#% in%o %#e roo/& and& af%er all& you /us% be fair and give %#e 0ind
a c#ance" .% is all rig#% %o #ave cen%ral #ea%ing in an 1nglis# #o/e& e7cep% in %#e ba%# roo/& because %#a%
is %#e only place 0#ere you are naked and 0e% a% %#e sa/e %i/e& and you /us% give Bri%is# ger/s a fair
c#ance" 6#e open fire is an accep%ed& indeed a %radi%ional ins%i%u%ion" *ou si% in fron% of i% and your face
is #o% 0#ils% your back is cold" .% is a fair co/pro/ise be%0een %0o e7%re/es and se%%les %#e proble/ of
#o0 %o burn and ca%c# cold a% %#e sa/e %i/e" 6#e fac% %#a% you /ay #ave a drink a% five %o si7 is an
e7%re/ely 0ise co/pro/ise be%0een %0o %#ings E. do no% 3ui%e kno0 be%0een 0#a%& cer%ainly no%
be%0een pro#ibi%ion and licen%iousnessF& ac#ieving %#e grea% ai/ %#a% nobody can ge% drunk be%0een
%#ree o?clock and si7 o?clock in %#e af%ernoon unless #e 0an%s %o and drinks a% #o/e"
1nglis# spelling is a co/pro/ise be%0een docu/en%ary e7pressions and an elabora%e code-sys%e/5
spending %#ree #ours in a 3ueue in fron% of a cine/a is a co/pro/ise be%0een en%er%ain/en% and
asce%icis/5 %#e 1nglis# 0ea%#er is a fair co/pro/ise be%0een rain and fog5 %o e/ploy an 1nglis#
c#ar0o/an is a co/pro/ise be%0een #aving a dir%y #ouse or cleaning i% yourself5 *orks#ire pudding is
a co/pro/ise be%0een a pudding and %#e coun%y of *orks#ire"
6#e 'abour par%y is a fair co/pro/ise be%0een ;ocialis/ and Bureaucracy5 %#e Beveridge Plan is a fair
co/pro/ise be%0een being and no% being a ;ocialis% a% %#e sa/e %i/e5 %#e 'iberal Par%y is a fair
co/pro/ise be%0een %#e Beveridge Plan and 6oryis/5 %#e .ndependen% 'abour Par%y is a fair
co/pro/ise be%0een .ndependen% 'abour and a poli%ical par%y5 %#e 6ory-refor/ers are a fair
10
co/pro/ise be%0een revolu%ionary conserva%is/ and re%rograde progress5 and %#e 0#ole Bri%is#
poli%ical life is a #uge and non-co/pro/ising fig#% be%0een co/pro/ising @onserva%ives and
co/pro/ising ;ocialis%s"
How to %e a H)pocrite
.f you 0an% %o be really and %ruly Bri%is#& you /us% beco/e a #ypocri%e"
)o02 #o0 %o be a #ypocri%e<
As so/e people say %#a% an e7a/ple e7plains %#ings be%%er %#an %#e bes% %#eory& le% /e %ry %#is 0ay"
. #ad a drink 0i%# an 1nglis# friend of /ine in a pub" $e 0ere si%%ing on %#e #ig# c#airs in fron% of %#e
coun%er 0#en a flying bo/b e7ploded abou% a #undred yards a0ay" . 0as %ruly and #ones%ly frig#%ened&
and 0#en a fe0 seconds la%er . looked around& . could no% see /y friend any0#ere" A% las% . no%iced #e
0as lying on %#e floor& fla% as a pancake" $#en #e realised %#a% no%#ing par%icular #ad #appened in %#e
pub #e go up a li%%le e/barrassed& flicked %#e dus% off #is sui%& and %urned %o /e 0i%# a superior and
sarcas%ic s/ile"
-Good Heavens9 $ere you so frig#%ened %#a% you couldn?% /ove<-
A%out #iple *o)s
.% is i/por%an% %#a% you s#ould learn #o0 %o en8oy si/ple 8oys& because %#a% is e7%re/ely 1nglis#" All
serious 1nglis#/en play dar%s and cricke% and /any o%#er ga/es5 a fa/ous 1nglis# s%a%es/an 0as
repor%ed %o be ca%c#ing bu%%erflies in %#e in%erval be%0een giving up %0o 1uropean s%a%es %o %#e Ger/ans5
%#ere 0as even so/e /isunders%anding 0i%# %#e Crenc# because %#ey considered %#e #abi% of 1nglis#
soldiers of singing and playing foo%ball and #ide and seek and blind /an?s bluff slig#%ly c#ildis#"
Dull and po/pous foreigners are unable %o unders%and 0#y e7-cabine% /inis%ers ge% %oge%#er and sing
-Daisy& Daisy- in c#oir5 0#y serious business /en play 0i%# %oy loco/o%ives 0#ile %#eir c#ildren learn
%rigono/e%ry in %#e ad8oining roo/5 0#y Hig# @our% 8udges collec% rare birds 0#en rare birds are rare
and %#ey canno% collec% /any in any case5 0#y i% is %#e a/bi%ion of gro0n-up persons %o pus# a li%%le ball
in%o a s/all #ole5 0#y a grea% poli%ician 0#o saved 1ngland and /ade #is%ory is called a -8olly good
fello0"-
6#ey canno% grasp 0#y people sing 0#en alone and ye% si% silen% and du/b for #ours on end in %#eir
clubs& no% u%%ering a 0ord for /on%#s in %#e /os% dis%inguis#ed co/pany& and pay %0en%y guineas a year
for %#e privilege"
The 'ational Passion
Lueueing is %#e na%ional passion of an o%#er0ise dispassiona%e race" 6#e 1nglis# are ra%#er s#y abou% i%&
and deny %#a% %#ey adore i%"
11
4n %#e @on%inen%& if people are 0ai%ing a% a bus-s%op %#ey loi%er around in a see/ingly vague fas#ion"
$#en %#e bus arrives& %#ey /ake a das# for i%5 /os% of %#e/ leave by %#e bus and a lucky /inori%y is
%aken a0ay by an elegan% black a/bulance car" An 1nglis#/an& even if #e is alone& for/s an orderly
3ueue of one"
6#e bigges% and /os% a%%rac%ive adver%ise/en%s in fro/ of cine/as %ell people2 Lueue #ere for +(,5
Lueue #ere for 9(H5 Lueue #ere for 1,(8 Einclusive of %a7F" 6#ose cine/as 0#ic# do no% pu% ou% %#ese
3ueueing signs do no% do good business a% all"
A% 0eek-ends an 1nglis#/an 3ueues up a% %#e bus-s%op& %ravels ou% %o Gic#/ond& 3ueues up for a boa%&
%#en 3ueues up for %ea& %#en 3ueues up for ice-crea/& %#e 8oins a fe0 /ore odd 3ueues 8us% for %#e sake
of %#e fun of i%& %#en 3ueues up a% %#e bus-s%op and #as %#e %i/e of #is life"
Many 1nglis# fa/ilies spend lovely evenings a% #o/e 8us% by 3ueueing up for a fe0 #ours& and %#e
paren%s are very sad 0#en %#e c#ildren leave %#e/ and 3ueue up for going %o bed"
Three #all Points
.f you go ou% for a 0alk 0i%# a friend& don?% say a 0ord for #ours5 if you go ou% for a 0alk 0i%# your dog&
keep c#a%%ing %o #i/"
6#ere is a %#ree-c#a/ber legisla%ion in 1ngland" A bill %o beco/e la0 #as %o be passed by %#e House of
@o//ons and %#e House of 'ords and finally approved by %#e Brains 6rus%"
A fis#/onger is %#e /an 0#o /ongs fis#5 %#e iron/onger and %#e 0ar/onger do %#e sa/e 0i%# iron and
0ar" 6#ey 8us% /ong %#e/"
Chapter + - How To Be a Particular Alien
A Bloos%ur) Intellectual
6#ey all #a%e unifor/s so /uc# %#a% %#ey all 0ear a special unifor/ of %#eir o0n2 bro0n velve% %rousers&
canary yello0 pullover& green 8acke% 0i%# sky-blue c#ecks"
6#is sui% of clo%#es #as %o be c#osen 0i%# %#e u%/os% care and is in%ended %o prove %#a% i%s 0earer does
no% care for sui%s and o%#er pe%%y& 0orldly %#ings"
A 0alking s%ick& %oo& is of%en carried by %#e slig#%ly dandified rig#%-0ing of %#e clan"
A golden c#ain around %#e ankle& purple velve% s#oes and a #alf-0ild angora ca% on %#e s#oulders are
s%rongly reco//ended as %#ey /uc# increase %#e appearance of arres%ing casualness"
.% is e7%re/ely i/por%an% %#a% %#e B"." s#ould always 0ear a %#ree-days beard& as s#aving is a
con%e/p%ible bourgeois #abi%" E6#e e7%re/is% lef%-0ing #olds %#e sa/e vie0 concerning 0as#ing& %oo"F
Cirs% one 0ill find i% a li%%le %rying %o s#ave one?s four-day beard in suc# a 0ay %#a%& af%er s#aving& a %#ree
days old beard s#ould be lef% on %#e c#eeks& bu% prac%ice and devo%ed care 0ill bring %#eir frui%s"
12
A cer%ain a/oun% of rudeness is 3ui%e indispensable& because you #ave %o prove day and nig#% %#a% %#e
silly li%%le co//onplace rules and cus%o/s of socie%y are no% /ean% for you" .f you find i% %oo difficul% %o
give up %#ese li%%le #abi%s - %o say& -Hullo- and -Ho0 d?you do<- and -6#ank you&- e%c" - because o0ing
%o Aun%ie Be%%y?s or 6an%e Ber%#a?s s%ric% upbringing %#ey #ave beco/e second na%ure& %#en 8oin a
Bloo/sbury sc#ool for bad /anners& and af%er a for%nig#% you 0ill fell no pang of conscience 0#en
s%epping delibera%ely on %#e cord of %#e venerable li%erary edi%or of a 3uar%erly /aga>ine on %#e bus"
'i%erary opinions /us% be /os% carefully selec%ed" ;%a%e/en%s like %#is are /os% i/pressive2 -6#ere #ave
been al%oge%#er %0o real poe%s in 1ngland2 ;ir 6#o/as $ya%% and :o#n Cord" 6#e 0ords of %#e res% are
rubbis#"- 4f course& you s#ould include& as %#e %#ird really grea%& colossal and epoc#-/aking %alen% your
o0n friend& 6" B" $illia/s& 0#ose neo-e7pressionis% poe%ry is so %erribly deep %#a% %#e over0#el/ing
/a8ori%y of edi%ors do no% unders%and i% and refuse %o publis# i%" 6" B" $illia/s& you /ay proudly clai/&
#as never used a co//a or a full s%op& and 0#a% is /ore& #e #as i/proved Apollinaire?s and Aragon?s
pri/i%ive %ec#ni3ue by %#e fac% %#a% #e does use 3ues%ion /arks" E6#e generous and e7%ravagan% praise of
6" B" $illia/s is absolu%ely essen%ial& o%#er0ise 0#o 0ill praise you<F
As %o your o0n li%erary ac%ivi%ies& your poe/s& dra/as and grea% novels /ay lie a% %#e bo%%o/ of your
dra0er in /anuscrip% for/" Bu% i% is i/por%an% %#a% you s#ould publis# a fe0 li%erary revie0s& scolding
and disparaging every%#ing and everybody on ear%# fro/ a very superior and #ig#-bro0 poin% of vie0&
3uo%ing ;ir 6#o/as $ya%% and any%#ing in Crenc# and le%%ing %#e reader feel 0#a% you 0ould be able %o
do if you could only find a publis#er"
E;o/e prac%ical advice" .% is no% difficul% %o #ave a fe0 li%erary revie0s publis#ed" Many 0eeklies and
/on%#lies 0ould publis# any%#ing in %#eir so-called li%erary colu/ns if i% cos%s no%#ing" *ou /us% no%
call your ac%ions unfair co/pe%i%ion 0i%# 3ualified revie0ers5 call i% devo%ion %o %#e -cause"- Al/os%
every paper #as a cause - if yours #as no%& inven% one& i% is 3ui%e easy" And i% really does no% /a%%er 0#a%
you 0ri%e" . re/e/ber one B"." 0ri%ing of a significan% p#ilosop#ical 0ork and ad/i%%ing in %#e opening
paragrap# %#a% #e did no% unders%and i%5 s%ill& . suppose& %#e revie0 passed as buoyan% and alar/ingly
sincere"F
Poli%ically you /us% belong %o %#e e7%re/e lef%" *ou /us%& #o0ever& bear a fe0 %#ings in /ind2
EaF *ou /us% no% care a da/n abou% %#e 0elfare of %#e people in %#is coun%ry or abroad& because %#a%
0ould be -prac%ical poli%ics- - and you s#ould only be in%eres%ed in %#e ideological side of /a%%ers"
EbF Do no% belong %o any par%y& because %#a% 0ould be -regi/en%a%ion"- $#a%ever differen% par%ies
ac#ieve& i% is /uc# /ore in%eres%ing %o cri%icise everyone %#an %o belong %o %#e #erd"
EcF Do no% #esi%a%e %o scorn ;ovie% Gussia as reac%ionary and i/perialis%ic& %#e Bri%is# 'abour Par%y as a
conglo/era%ion of elderly 6rade Anion Bli/ps& %#e Crenc# ;ocialis%s as -confused people&- %#e o%#er
$es%ern ;ocialis% par%ies as /eek& bourgeois clubs& %#e A/erican labour /ove/en%s as being in %#e pay
of big business5 and call all republicans& co//unis%s& anarc#is%s and ni#ilis%s -back0ard reac%ionary
cryp%o-fascis%s"-
*ou s#ould also inven% a fe0 %ruly original& cons%ruc%ive %#eories %oo& suc# as2
• 4nly Bra#/anis/ can save %#e 0orld"
• ;piri%ualis/ is a fac%or& gro0ing i//ensely in i/por%ance& and a prac%ical& 0orking coali%ion
be%0een g#os%s and 6ro%sky-i%es 0ould be #ig#ly desirable"
13
• 6#e aboli%ion of all %a7a%ion 0ould enric# %#e popula%ion so enor/ously %#a% everybody 0ould be
able %o pay /uc# /ore %a7es %#an before"
Cinally& re/e/ber %#e /ain poin%" Always be original9 .% is no% as difficul% as i% sounds2 you 8us% #ave %o
copy %#e #abi%s and sayings of a fe0 %#ousand o%#er B"."s"
,a)fair Pla)%o)
Ci7 %#e li%%le 0ord de in fron% of your na/e" .% #as a re/arkable a%%rac%ion" . kne0 a cer%ain 'eo
Gosenberg fro/ Gra> 0#o called #i/self 'eo de Gosenberg and 0as a #uge success in Deanery Me0s
as a 6yrolean noble/an"
Believe %#a% %#e ai/ of life is %o #ave a nice %i/e& go %o nice places and /ee% nice people" E)o02 %o #ave
a nice %i/e /eans %o #ave %0o /ore drinks daily %#an you can carry5 nice places are %#e #alls of grea%
#o%els& in%i/a%e li%%le clubs& nig#% clubs and priva%e #ouses 0i%# large radiogra/s and no books#elves5
nice people are %#ose 0#o say silly %#ings in good 1nglis# - nas%y people are %#ose 0#o drop clever
re/arks as 0ell as %#eir ai%c#es"F
.n %#e old days %#e /an 0#o #ad no /oney 0as no% considered a gen%le/an" .n %#e era of an enlig#%ened
Mayfair %#is a%%i%ude #as c#anged" A gen%le/an /ay #ave /oney or /ay sponge on #is friends5 %#e
cri%erion of a gen%le/an is %#a% #o0ever poor #e /ay be #e s%ill refuses %o do useful 0ork"
*ou #ave %o develop your c#ar/ 0i%# %#e grea%es% care" Al0ays laug# a% everybody?s 8oke - bu% be
careful %o %ell a 8oke fro/ a serious and profound observa%ion" Be poli%e in a %easing& nonc#alan% /anner"
;neer a% every%#ing you are no% in%elligen% enoug# %o unders%and" *ou /ay flir% 0i%# anybody?s 0ife& bu%
respec% %#e %ies of illegi%i/a%e friends#ips - unless you #ave a really good oppor%uni%y 0#ic# i% 0ould be
suc# a pi%y %o /iss" Don?% forge% %#a% 0ell-pressed %rousers& carefully kno%%ed %ies and silk s#ir%s are %#e
grea%es% of all #u/an values" )ever be sober af%er ,2HIp"/"
How to %e a "il Producer
A li%%le foreign blood is very advan%ageous& al/os% essen%ial& %o beco/e a really grea% Bri%is# fil/
producer"
6#e firs% grea% ai/ of a Bri%is# fil/ producer s#ould be %o %eac# Holly0ood a lesson" Do no% be /isled&
#o0ever& by %#e e7a/ples of Henry V" or ygmalion& 0#ic# %end %o prove %#a% e7cellen% fil/s can be
/ade of grea% plays 0i%#ou% c#anging %#e ou%-of-da%e 0ords of ;#akespeare and %#e un-fil/-like
dialogues of ;#a0 by %en -e7per%s- 0#o really kno0 be%%er"
Corge% %#ese /isleading e7a/ples because i% is obvious %#a% ;#akespeare could no% possibly #ave #ad
any fil/ %ec#ni3ue& and recen% researc# #as proved %#a% #e did no% even #ave an eig#%-sea%er saloon car
0i%# #is o0n unifor/ed c#auffeur"
*ou /us% no %ouc# any %ypically A/erican sub8ec%" Cor ins%ance2 a young /an of @ar%#age EBen%uckyF
0#o can 0#is%le beau%ifully goes %o %o0n& and af%er /any disappoin%/en%s for/s #is o0n s0ing-band
and beco/es %#e leading conduc%or of )e0 *ork?s nig#% life - 0#ic#& if you can %ake %#e i/plica%ion of
Holly0ood fil/s seriously& is one of %#e #ig#es% #onours 0#ic# can be conferred on anyone in %#a%
coun%ry" A% %#e sa/e %i/e #e falls in love 0i%# %#e cloak-roo/ a%%endan% of a drug-s%ore [2! round %#e
14
corner& a pla%inu/-blonde& ravis#ingly beau%iful& 0#o sings a li%%le be%%er %#an Galli @urci and Deanna
Durbin rolled in%o one and& in secre%& #as %#e grea%es% #is%rionic %alen% of %#e cen%ury" Af%er a las%-/inu%e
scandal 0i%# %#e 0orld-fa/ous pri/a donna s#e saves %#e firs% nig#% of #er lover?s s#o0 in %#e presence
of an audience of si7 /illion people by singing Gounod?s slig#%ly adap%ed sing E-.f you 0ould be my
%oo%sie-boo%sie& . 0ould be your %oo%sie-boo%sie-F" 6#e young and /ig#%y successful band-leader /arries
%#e girl and e/ploys 6oscanini %o clean #is /ou%#-organ"
4r - %o /en%ion one /ore e7a/ple of %#e serious and -deep- %ype of A/erican fil/s - %#ere is a guy&
buoyan%& #appy and /iserably poor young /an in )e0 Golders Green EAlaba/aF& 0#o beco/es
%re/endously ric# 8us% by selling %#ousands of %rac%ors and 8e%-propelled aeroplanes %o o%#er poor
fello0s" 6#e ric#er #e beco/es& %#e un#appier #e is - 0#ic# is a sub%le poin% %o prove %#a% /oney does
no% /ean #appiness& conse3uen%ly one #ad be%%er be con%en% %o re/ain a poor labourer& possibly
une/ployed" He buys seven #uge /o%or cars and %#e priva%e planes and is bi%%er and pained5 #e builds a
/agnificen% and os%en%a%ious palace and ge%s gloo/ier and gloo/ier5 and 0#en %#e 0o/an #e #as loved
0i%#ou% #ope for fif%een years a% las% falls in love 0i%# #i/& #e breaks do0n co/ple%ely and groans and
/oans despera%ely for %#ree days" 6o increase %#e -deep- /eaning of %#e fil/ %#ey p#o%ograp# %#e
#eroes fro/ %#e /os% surprising angles2 %#e ca/era/an cra0ls under people?s fee%& s0ings on %#e
c#andelier& and #ides #i/self in a bo0l of soup" 1verybody is delig#%ed 0i%# %#e ne0 %ec#ni3ue and
ad/ires %#e direc%or?s ric#ness of %#oug#%"
1nglis# fil/ direc%ors follo0 a differen% and 3ui%e original line" 6#ey #ave discovered so/e#o0 %#a% %#e
/a8ori%y of %#e public does no% consis%& af%er all& of idio%s& and %#a% an in%elligen% fil/ is no% necessarily
foredoo/ed %o failure" .% 0as a %re/endous risk %o /ake e7peri/en%s based on %#is assu/p%ion& bu% i%
#as proved 0or%# 0#ile"
6#ere are cer%ain rules you /us% bear in /ind if you 0an% %o /ake a really and %ruly Bri%is# fil/"
1" 6#e -cockney #ear%- #as defini%ely been discovered& i!e! %#e fac% %#a% even people 0#o drop %#eir
ai%c#es #ave a #ear%" 6#e discovery 0as originally /ade by Mr" )oel @o0ard& 0#o is repor%ed %o
#ave /e% a /an 0#o kne0 so/eone 0#o #ad ac%ually seen a cockney fro/ 3ui%e near" 1ver
since i% #as been essen%ial %#a% a cockney s#ould figure in every bri%is# fil/ and display #is #ear%
%#roug#ou% %#e perfor/ance"
2" .% #as also been discovered %#a% ordinary /en occasionally use unparlia/en%ary e7pressions in
%#e course of every-day conversa%ion" .% #as been decided %#a% %#e /ore of%en %#e ad8ec%ive
referring %o %#e sanguinary c#arac%er of cer%ain %#ings or persons is used and %#e e7cla/a%ion
-Da/n9- is u%%ered& %#e /ore realis%ic and /ore convincing %#e fil/ beco/es& as able sea/en
and flig#%-sergean%s so/e%i/es go so far as %o say -Da/n9- 0#en %#ey are carried a0ay by
passion" All bodies and associa%ions for/ed %o preserve %#e puri%y of %#e 1nglis# soul s#ould no%
%#a% . do no% agree 0i%# %#e #abi% - . si/ply record i%" Bu% as i% is a #abi%& %#e au%#or readily agrees
%o supply by correspondence a fur%#er lis% of %#e /os% e7pressive /ili%ary %er/s 0#ic# 0ould
/ake any ne0 fil/ surprisingly realis%ic"
H" )o%#ing s#ould be good enoug# for a Bri%is# fil/ producer" . #ave #eard of a gen%le/an E. don?%
kno0 0#e%#er %#e s%ory is %rue& or only c#arac%eris%icF 0#o /ade a fil/ abou% 1gyp% and #ad a
sp#in7 buil% in %#e s%udio" $#en #e and #is co/pany sailed %o 1gyp% %o /ake so/e e7%erior
s#o%s& #e %ook #is o0n sp#in7 0i%# #i/ %o %#e deser%" He 0as 3ui%e rig#%& because firs% of all %#e
original sp#in7 is 3ui%e old and fil/ people s#ould no% use second-#and s%uff5 secondly %#e old
sp#in7 /ig#% #ave been good enoug# for 1gyp%ians E0#o are all foreigners& af%er allF bu% no% for
a Bri%is# fil/ co/pany"
15
+" As . #ave seen poli%ical even%s successfully fil/ed as de%ec%ive s%ories& and #is%orical personages
appear as -grea% lovers- Eand no%#ing elseF& . #ave co/e %o %#e conclusion %#a% %#is slig#% c#ange
in %#e c#arac%ers of a person is #ig#ly reco//endable& and . advise %#e fil/ing of eter an as a
%#riller& and %#e Concise "#ford Dictionary as a co/ic opera"
[2! Please no%e /y e7%ensive kno0ledge of %#e A/erican language"
-ri!ing Cars
.% is abou% %#e sa/e %o drive a car in 1ngland as any0#ere else" 6o c#ange a punc%ured %yre in %#e 0ind
and rain gives abou% %#e sa/e pleasure ou%side 'ondon as ou%side Gio de :aneiro5 i% is no% /ore fun %o
%ry %o s%ar% up a cold /o%or 0i%# %#e #andle in Mosco0 %#an in Manc#es%er5 %#e roug#ly JI-JI propor%ion
be%0een driving an average car and pushing i% is %#e sa/e in ;ydney and 1dinburg#"
6#ere are& #o0ever& a fe0 c#arac%eris%ics 0#ic# dis%inguis# 1nglis# /o%oris%s fro/ %#e con%inen%al& and
so/e poin%s 0#ic# %#e 1nglis# /o%oris%s #ave %o re/e/ber"
1" .n 1nglis# %o0ns %#ere is a %#ir%y /iles per #our speed-li/i% and %#e police keep a 0a%c#ful eye
on la0-breakers" 6#e fig#% agains% reckless drivers is direc%ed e7%re/ely skillfully and carefully
according %#e %#e very bes% 1nglis# de%ec%ive-%radi%ions" .% is prac%ically i/possible %o find ou%
0#e%#er you are being follo0ed by a police car or no%" 6#ere are& #o0ever& a fe0 indica%ions
0#ic# /ay #elp people of e7%raordinary in%elligence and 0i%# very keen po0ers of observa%ion2
o 6#e police al0ays use a 1H #"p" blue $olseley car5
o %#ree unifor/ed police/en si% in i% 5 and
o on %#ese cars you can read %#e 0ord P4'.@1 0ri%%en in large le%%ers in fron% and rear& all
in capi%als - li% up during %#e #ours of darkness"
2" . %#ink 1ngland is %#e only coun%ry in %#e 0orld 0#ere you #ave %o leave your lig#%s on even if
you park in a brillian%ly li%-up s%ree%" 6#e advan%age being %#a% your ba%%ery ge%s e7#aus%ed& you
canno% s%ar% up again and conse3uen%ly %#e nu/ber of road acciden%s are grea%ly reduced" ;afe%y
firs%9
H" 4nly /o%oris%s can ans0er %#is pu>>ling 3ues%ion2 $#a% are %a7is for< A si/ple pedes%rian
kno0s %#a% %#ey are cer%ainly no% %#ere %o carry passengers"
6a7is& in fac%& are a @#ris%ian ins%i%u%ion" 6#ey are #ere %o %eac# drivers /odes%y and #u/ili%y"
6#ey %eac# us never %o be overconfiden%5 %#ey re/ind us %#a% 0e never can %ell 0#a% %#e ne7%
/o/en% 0ill bring for us& 0#e%#er 0e s#all be able %o drive on or a %a7i 0ill bu/p in%o us fro/
%#e back or %#e side" -""" and %#ou s#al% fear day and nig#%& and s#al% #ave none assurance of %#y
life- EDeu%"& c#ap%er 28& verse ,,F"
+" 6#ere is a #uge ideological 0arfare going on be#ind %#e scenes of %#e /o%oris% 0orld"
$#enever you s%op your car in %#e @i%y& %#e $es% 1nd or /any o%#er places& %0o or %#ree police/en
rus# a% you and %ell you %#a% you /us% no% park there" $#ere /ay you park< 6#ey s#rug %#eir s#oulders"
6#ere are a couple of spo%s on %#e ;ou%# @oas% and in a village called Minc#in#a/p%on" 6#ree cars /ay
par %#ere for #alf an #our every o%#er ;unday /orning be%0een and 8 a"/"
6#e police are perfec%ly rig#%" Af%er all& cars #ave been buil% %o run& and run fas%& so %#ey s#ould no% s%op"
16
6#is #eal%#y p#ilosop#y of %#e police #as been seriously c#allenged by a cer%ain group of /o%oris%s 0#o
/ain%ain %#a% cars #ave been buil% %o park and no% %o /ove" 6#ese people drive ou% %o Ha/ps%ead Hea%#
or Gic#/ond on beau%iful& sunny days& pull up all %#eir 0indo0s and go %o sleep" 6#ey do no% ge% a spo%
of air5 %#ey are /iserably unco/for%able5 %#ey #ave nig#%/ares& and %#e 0#o procedure is called
-spending a lovely af%ernoon in %#e open"-
Three Gaes for Bus -ri!ers
.f you beco/e a bus driver %#ere are %#ree lovely and very popular ga/es you /us% learn %o play"
1" $lind man%s bluff" $#en you %urn rig#% 8us% signal by s#o0ing %0o /illi/e%res of your finger%ips"
.% is grea% fun 0#en /o%oris%s do no% no%ice your signal and run in%o your #uge bus 0i%# %#eir %iny
cars"
2" Hide and see&" $#enever you approac# a re3ues% s%op #ide be#ind a large lorry or ano%#er bus
and 0#en you #ave al/os% reac#ed %#e s%op s#oo% off a% a %errific speed" .% is very a/using %o see
people s#ake %#eir fis%s a% you" .% is %en %o one %#ey /iss so/e i/por%an% business appoin%/en%"
H" Hospital game" .f you #ave %o s%op for one reason or ano%#er& never 0ai% un%il %#e conduc%or rings
%#e bell" .f you s%ar% /oving 3uickly and une7pec%edly& and if you are lucky - and in slippery
0ea%#er you #ave a very good c#ance - people 0ill fall on %op of one ano%#er" 6#is looks
e7%re/ely funny fro/ %#e driver?s sea% E;o/e%i/es %#e people %#e/selves& 0#o fall in%o a /uddy
puddle and break %#eir legs& /ake a fuss& bu%& alas9 every socie%y #as i%s bores 0#o #ave no sense
of #u/our and canno% en8oy a 8oke a% %#eir o0n e7pense"F
How to Plan a Town
Bri%ain& far fro/ being a -decaden% de/ocracy&- is a ;par%an coun%ry" 6#is is /ainly due %o %#e Bri%is#
0ay of building %o0ns& 0#ic# dispenses 0i%# %#e reasonable co/for% en8oyed by all %#e o%#er 0eak and
effe/ina%e peoples of %#e 0orld"
Mediaeval 0arriors 0ore s%eel breas%-pla%es and leggings no% only for defence bu% also %o keep up %#eir
fig#%ing spiri%5 pries%s of %#e Middle Ages %or%ured %#eir bodies 0i%# #air-s#ir%s5 .ndian yogis %ake %#eir
daily nap lying on a carpe% of nails %o re/ain fi%" 6#e 1nglis# plan %#eir %o0ns in suc# a 0ay %#a% %#ese
replace %#e disco/for% of s%eel breas%-pla%es& #air-s#ir%s and nail-carpe%s"
4n %#e @on%inen% doc%ors& la0yers& booksellers - 8us% %o /en%ion a fe0 e7a/ples - are sprinkled all over
%#e ci%y& so you can call on a good or a% leas% e7pensive doc%or in any dis%ric%" .n 1ngland %#e idea is %#a%
i% is %#e address %#a% /akes %#e /an" Doc%ors in 'ondon are cro0ded in%o Harley ;%ree%& solici%ors in%o
'oncoln?s .nn Cields& second-#and book-s#ops in @#aring @ross Goad& ne0spaper offices in Clee% ;%ree%&
%ailors in ;aville Go0& car-/erc#an%s in Grea% Por%land ;%ree%& %#ea%res around Piccadilly @ircus&
cine/as in 'eices%er ;3uare& e%c" .f you #ave a c#ance of replanning 'ondon you can grea%ly i/prove on
%#is idea" All green-grocers s#ould be placed in Hornsey 'ane E)",F& all bu%c#ers in Mile 1nd E1"1F& and
all gen%le/en?s conveniences in Bloo/sbury E$"@"F"
)o0 . s#ould like %o give you a li%%le prac%ical advice on #o0 %o build and 1nglis# %o0n"
*ou /us% unders%and %#a% an 1nglis# %o0n is a vas% conspiracy %o /islead foreigners" *ou #ave %o use
cen%ury-old li%%le prac%ices and %ricks"
17
1" Cirs% of all& never build a s%ree% s%raig#%" 6#e 1nglis# love privacy and do no% 0an% %o see one end
of %#e s%ree% fro/ %#e o%#er end" Make sudden curves in %#e s%ree% and build %#e/ ;-s#aped %oo5
%#e le%%ers '& 6& =& *& $ and 4 are also beco/ing increasingly popular" .% 0ould be a fine %ribu%e
%o %#e Greeks %o build a fe0 [p#i! and [%#e%a!-s#aped s%ree%s5 i% 0ould be an ingenious
co/pli/en% %o %#e Gussians %o favour %#e s#ape of [reversed-G!& and . a/ sure %#e @#inese
0ould be /ore %#an fla%%ered %o see so/e [c#inese-c#arac%er!-s#aped %#oroug#fares"
2" )ever build %#e #ouses of %#e sa/e s%ree% in a s%raig#% line" 6#e Bri%is# #ave al0ays been a
freedo/-loving race and %#e -freedo/ %o build a /uddle- is one of %#eir /os% ancien% civic
rig#%s"
H" )o0 %#ere are fur%#er ca/ouflage possibili%ies in %#e nu/bering of #ouses" Pri/i%ive con%inen%al
races pu% even nu/bers on one side& odd nu/bers on %#e o%#er& and you al0ays kno0 %#a% s/all
nu/bers s%ar% fro/ %#e nor%# or 0es%" .n 1ngland you #ave %#is sys%e/& %oo5 bu% you /ay s%ar%
nu/bering your #ouses a% one end& go up %o a cer%ain nu/ber on %#e sa/e side& %#en con%inue on
%#e o%#er side& going back in %#e opposi%e direc%ion"
*ou /ay leave ou% so/e nu/bers if you are supers%i%ious5 and you /ay con%inue %#e nu/bering
in a side-s%ree%5 you /ay also give %#e sa/e nu/ber %o %0o or %#ree #ouses"
Bu% %#is is far fro/ %#e end" Many people refuse %o #ave nu/bers al%oge%#er& and %#ey c#oose
#ouse na/es" .% is very pleasan%& for ins%ance& %o find a s%ree% 0i%# %#ree #undred and fif%y %o%ally
si/ilar bungalo0s and look for -6#e Bungalo0"- 4r %o arrive in a s%ree% 0#ere all %#e #ouses
#ave a c#ar/ing vie0 of a #ill and %ry %o find -Hill =ie0"- 4r searc# for -;even 4aks- and find
a #ouse 0i%# %#ree apple-%rees"
+" Give a differen% na/e %o %#e s%ree% 0#enever i% bends5 bu% if %#e curve is so s#arp %#a% i% really
/akes %0o differen% s%ree%s& you /ay keep %#e sa/e na/e" 4n %#e o%#er #and& if o0ing %o
neglec%& a s%ree% #as been buil% in a s%raig#% line i% /us% be called by /any differen% na/es EHig#
Holborn& )o%%ing Hill Ga%e& 47ford ;%ree%& Bays0a%er Goad& )o%%ing Hill Ga%e& Holland Park&
and so onF"
J" As so/e cu%e foreigners 0ould be able %o learn %#eir 0ay abou% even under suc# circu/s%ances&
so/e fur%#er precau%ions are necessary" @all s%ree%s by various na/es2 s%ree%& road& place& /e0s&
crescen%& avenue& rise& lane& 0ay& grove& park& gardens& alley& arc#& pa%#& 0alk& broad0ay&
pro/enade& ga%e& %errace& vale& vie0& #ill& e%c" [H!
)o0 %0o fur%#er possibili%ies arise2
o ga%#er all sor%s of s%ree%s and s3uares of %#e sa/e na/e in one neig#bour#ood2 Belsi>e
Park& Belsi>e ;%ree%& Belsi>e Goad& Belsi>e Gardens& Belsi>e Green& Belsi>e @ircus&
Belsi>e *ard& Belsi>e =iaduc%& Belsi>e Arcade& Belsi>e Hea%#& e%c"
o Place a nu/ber of s%ree%s of e#actly %#e sa/e na/e in differen% dis%ric%s" .f you #ave
abou% %0en%y Princes ;3uares and $ar0ick Avenues in %#e %o0n& %#e /uddle - you /ay
clai/ 0i%#ou% i//odes%y - 0ill be co/ple%e"
," ;%ree% na/es s#ould be pain%ed clearly and dis%inc%ly on large boards" 6#en #ide %#ese boards
carefully" Place %#e/ %oo #ig# or %oo lo0& in s#ado0 and darkness& upside do0n and inside ou%&
or& even be%%er& lock %#e/ up in a safe place in your bank& o%#er0ise %#ey /ay give people so/e
indica%ion abou% %#e na/es of %#e s%ree%s"
18
" .n order %o break do0n %#e foreigners? las% ves%ige of resis%ance and s#a%%er %#eir /orale& one
fur%#er %rick is advisable2 in%roduce %#e sys%e/ of s3uares - real s3uares& . /ean - 0#ic# run in%o
fours s%ree%s like %#is2
[-- Diagra/ of %0o ad8acen% s3uares& eac# side of one labelled -Princes ;3uare-& eac# side of %#e
o%#er labelled -'eices%er ;3uare-" 6#e s%ree% be%0een %#e/ #as a differen% na/e on eac# side of
%#e s%ree%" --!
$i%# %#is si/ple device i% is possible %o build a s%ree% of 0#ic# %#e %0o sides #ave differen%
na/es"
P";" - . #ave been %old %#a% /y above-described %#eory is all 0rong and is only due %o /y @en%ral
1uropean concei%& because %#e 1nglis# do no% care for %#e opinions of foreigners" .n every o%#er coun%ry&
i% #as been e7plained& people 8us% build s%ree%s and %o0ns follo0ing %#eir o0n co//on sense" 1ngland is
%#e only coun%ry 0#ere %#ere is a Minis%ry of 6o0n and @oun%ry Planning" 6#a% is %#e real reason for %#e
/uddle"
[H! $#ile %#is book 0as a% %#e prin%ers a correspondence in The Times s#o0ed %#a% %#e 1nglis# #ave
al/os% si7%y synony/s for -s%ree%"- .f you add %#ese %o %#e s%ree% na/es 0#ic# s%and alone EPiccadilly&
;%rand& e%c"F and %#e accep%ed and fre3uen%ly used double na/es E-Garden 6errace&- -@#urc# ;%ree%&-
-Park Goad&- e%c"F %#e nu/ber of s%ree% na/es reac#es or e7ceeds a #undred" .% #as been sugges%ed by
one corresponden% %#a% %#is clearly proves 0#a% 0onderful i/agina%ion %#e 1nglis# #ave" . believe i%
proves %#e con%rary" A 0es% 1nd s%ree% in 'ondon is no% called -Hay/arke%- because %#e playful fancy of
'ondoners popula%es %#e dis%ric% 0i%# ro/an%ically clad /ediaeval food dealers bu% si/ply because %#ey
#ave no% no%iced as ye% %#a% %#e #ay %rade #as considerably declined be%0een Piccadilly and Pall Mall in
%#e las% %#ree #undred years"
Ci!il #er!ant
6#ere is a 0orld of difference be%0een %#e 1nglis# @ivil ;ervan% and %#e con%inen%al"
4n %#e @on%inen% Espeaking no0 of %#e ;candinavian coun%riesF& @ivil ;ervan%s assu/e a cer%ain /ili%ary
air" 6#ey consider %#e/selves li%%le generals5 %#ey use delaying %ac%ics5 %#ey canno% 0i%#dra0 ar/ies& so
%#e 0i%#dra0 per/issions5 %#ey %#under like cannons and %#eir speec# is like /ac#ine-gun fire5 %#ey
canno% lose ba%%les& %#ey lose docu/en%s ins%ead" 6#ey consider %#a% %#e sole ai/ of #u/an socie%y is %o
give 8obs %o @ivil ;ervan%s" A fe0 0icked individuals& #o0ever Econ%e/p%ible li%%le groups of people
0#o are no% @ivil ;ervan%sF& conspire agains% %#e/& co/e %o %#e/ 0i%# various re3ues%s& co/plain%s&
proble/s& e%c"& 0i%# %#e sole purpose of /aking a nuisance of %#e/selves" 6#ese people ge% %#e recep%ion
%#ey deserve" 6#ey are kep% 0ai%ing in cold and dir%y an%e-c#a/bers Eso/e of %#e/ clean %#ese roo/s
occasionally& bu% %#ere are #ired co//issionaires 0#ose du%y i% is %o re-dir%y %#ese roo/s every
/orningF5 %#ey #ave %o s%and& of%en a% a%%en%ion& 0#ils% %#ey are spoken %o5 %#ey are al0ays s#ou%ed a% in
a rude /anner and %#eir re3ues%s are %urned do0n 0i%# /alicious pleasure" ;o/e%i/es - %#is is a popular
ca% and /ouse ga/e - %#ey are sen% %o ano%#er office on %#e fif%# floor& for/ %#ere %#ey are direc%ed %o a
%#ird office in %#e base/en%& 0#ere %#ey are %old %#a% %#ey s#ould no% #ave co/e %#ere a% all and sen%
back %o %#e original office" .n %#a% office %#ey are %#oroug#ly %old off in acri/onious language and
dispa%c#ed %o %#e fif%# floor once again& fro/ %#ere %o %#e base/en%& and %#e procedure goes on endlessly
un%il %#e poor fello0 ei%#er ge%s %ired of %#e 0#ole business and gives up in despair or beco/es a raving
luna%ic and goes %o an asylu/ asking for ad/i%%ance" .f %#e la%%er case occurs& #e is %old in recep%ion %#a%
#e #as co/e %o %#e 0rong place& #e s#ould go %o %#e ano%#er office on %#e fif%# floor& fro/ 0#ic# #e is
sen% do0n %o %#e base/en%& e%c"& e%c"& un%il #e gives up being a luna%ic"
19
E.f you 0an% %o ca%c# /e ou% and ask 0#o are %#en %#e people 0#o fill %#e con%inen%al luna%ic asylu/s& .
can give you %#e e7plana%ion2 %#ey are all @ivil ;ervan%s 0#o kno0 %#e 0ays and /eans of dealing 0i%#
officials and succeed in ge%%ing in so/e#o0"F
.f a for/er con%inen%al @ivil ;ervan% %#oug#% %#a% %#is /ar%ial be#aviour 0ould be accep%ed by %#e
Bri%is# public #e 0ould be badly /is%aken" 6#e 1nglis# @ivil ;ervan% considers #i/self no soldier bu% a
glorified business/an" He is s/oo%# and cour%eous5 #e s/iles in a superior 0ay5 #e is agreeable and
obliging"
.f so - you /ay ask - #o0 can #e ac#ieve %#e supre/e ob8ec% of #is vas% and noble organisa%ion& na/ely&
no% %o %ransac% any business and be lef% in peace %o read a good /urder s%ory undis%urbed<
6#ere are various& cen%uries-old& %rue Bri%is# %radi%ions %o secure %#is ai/2
1" All orders and direc%ories %o %#e public are 0orded in suc# a 0ay %#a% %#ey s#ould #ave no
/eaning 0#a%ever"
2" All official le%%ers are 0ri%%en in suc# a language %#a% %#e oracles of Delp#i sound as e7a/ples of
clear& ou%spoken& s%raig#%for0ard s%a%e/en%s co/pared 0i%# %#e/"
H" @ivil ;ervan%s never /ake decisions& %#ey only pro/ise %o -consider&- -consider favourably- - or
- and %#is is %#e u%/os% - -reconsider- cer%ain 3ues%ions"
+" .n principle %#e Bri%is# @ivil ;ervan% s%and al0ays a% %#e disposal of %#e public" .n prac%ice #e is
ei%#er in -conference- or ou% for lunc#& or in bu% #aving #is %ea& or 8us% ou%" ;o/e develop an
ad/irable %ec#ni3ue of going ou% %o %ea before co/ing back fro/ lunc#"
6#e Bri%is# @ivil ;ervan%& unlike %#e roug# bully 0e of%en find on %#e @on%inen%& is %#e 4bedien% @ivil
;ervan% of %#e public" Before %#e 0ar& an alien in %#is coun%ry 0as ordered %o leave" He asked for
e7%ension of #is s%aying per/i%& bu% 0as refused" He s%ayed on all %#e sa/e& and af%er a 0#ile #e received
%#e follo0ing le%%er E. 3uo%e fro/ /e/oryF2
-Dear sir&
6#e Ander-;ecre%ary of ;%a%e presen%s #is co/pli/en%s and regre%s %#a% #e is unable %o reconsider your
case& and begs %o infor/ you %#a% unless you kindly leave %#is coun%ry 0i%#in 2+ #ours you 0ill be
forcibly e7pelled"
*our 4bedien% ;ervan%&
"""
4n %#e @on%inen% ric# and influen%ial people& or %#ose 0#o #ave friends& cousins& bro%#ers-in-la0&
%enan%s& business associa%es& e%c"& in an office /ay #ave %#eir re3ues%s fulfilled" .n 1ngland %#ere is no%
suc# corrup%ion and your obedien% servan% 8us% 0ill no% do a %#ing 0#oever you /ay be" And %#is is %#e
real beau%y of a de/ocracy"
*ournalis. or the "reedo of the Press
--- The "act ---
20
6#ere 0as so/e %rouble 0i%# %#e Burburuk %ribe in %#e Pacific .sland& @#ara/ak" A par%y of %en 1nglis#
and %0o A/erican soldiers& under %#e co//and of @ap%" G" '" A" 6" $" 6ilbury& raided %#e island and
%ook 21 revolu%ionary& na%ive %rouble/akers prisoner and 0recked %0o large oil-du/ps" 6#e par%y
re/ained as#ore an #our-and-a-#alf and re%urned %o %#eir base ca/p 0i%#ou% loss %o %#e/selves"
Ho0 %o repor% %#is even%< .% depends on 0#ic# ne0spaper you 0ork for"
--- The Ties ---
""" .% 0ould be e7ceedingly perilous %o overes%i/a%e %#e significance of %#e raid& bu% i% can be fairly
proclai/ed %#a% i% 0ould be even /ore dangerous %o underes%i/a%e i%" 6#e success of %#e raid clearly
proves %#a% %#e na%ive defences are no% invulnerable5 i% 0ould be fallacious and decep%ive& #o0ever& %o
conclude %#a% %#e defences are vulnerable" 6#e nu/ber of revolu%ionaries cap%ured canno% be safely
s%a%ed& bu% i% see/s likely %#a% %#e nu/ber is 0ell over 21, bu% 0ell under 218"
--- In the House ---
*ou /ay beco/e an M"P" E)o%#ing is i/possible - %#is 0ould no% be even unpreceden%ed"F *ou /ay
#ear %#en %#e follo0 s%a%e/en% by a /e/ber of His Ma8es%y?s Govern/en%2
-@oncerning %#e %0o 0recked oil-du/ps . can give %#is infor/a%ion %o %#e House" .n %#e firs% #alf of %#is
year %#e a/oun% of na%ive oil des%royed by %#e Ar/y& )avy and %#e G"A"C" - e7cluding #o0ever& %#e
Clee% Air Ar/ - is one #alf as /uc# as %#ree %i/es %#e a/oun% des%royed during %#e corresponding
/on%#s of %#e previous year& seven and a #alf %i/es as /uc# as %#e %0o-fif%#s des%royed %0o years ago
and %#ree 3uar%ers as /uc# again as %0elve %i/es one-si7%# des%royed %#ree years ago" E'oud c#eers fro/
%#e Govern/en% benc#es"F
*ou 8u/p %o your fee% and ask %#is 3ues%ion2
*ou2 .s %#e Gig#% Hon" Gen%le/an a0are %#a% people in %#is coun%ry are pu>>led and 0orried by %#e fac%
%#a% @#ara/ak 0as raided and no% Gaga/ak<
6#e Gig#% Hon Me/ber2 . #ave no%#ing %o add %o /y s%a%e/en% given on %#e 2nd Augus%& 1892"
--- E!ening #tandard /Londoner's Diary0 ---
6#e /os% in%eres%ing fea%ure of %#e @#ara/ak raid is %#e fac% %#a% Geggie 6ilbury is %#e fif%# son of %#e
1arl of Bays0a%er" He 0as an 47ford Blue& a firs%-class cricke%er and 3ui%e good a% polo" $#en . %alked
%o #is 0ife E'ady @larisse& %#e daug#%er of 'ord 1lassonF a% @laridges %o-day& s#e 0ore a black sui% and a
%iny block #a% 0i%# a yello0 fea%#er in i%" ;#e said2 -Geggie 0as al0ays very /uc# in%eres%ed in
0arfare"- 'a%er s#e re/arked2 -.% 0as clever of #i/& 0asn?% i%<-
*ou /ay 0ri%e a le%%er %o %#e edi%or of -6#e 6i/es-2
-;ir& - .n connec%ion 0i%# %#e @#ara/ak raid . s#ould like %o /en%ion as a /a%%er of considerable in%eres%
%#a% i% 0as in %#a% li%%le Pacific .sland %#a% %#e dis%inguis#ed 1nglis# poe%& :o#n Cla%& 0ro%e #is fa/ous
poe/ ?6#e @od? in 1,9H"
*ours& e%c" """-
21
*ou /ay read %#is ans0er on %#e follo0ing day2
-;ir& - . a/ very gra%eful %o Mr" """ for calling a%%en%ion %o :o#n Cla%?s poe/ ?6#e @od"? May . be allo0ed
%o use %#is oppor%uni%y & #o0ever& %o correc% a 0idespread and in /y vie0 very unfor%una%e error 0#ic#
%#e grea% /asses of %#e Bri%is# people see/ %o s#are 0i%# your corresponden%" ?6#e @od&? al%#oug# :o#n
Cla% s%ar%ed 0ri%ing i% in 1,9H& 0as only finis#ed in %#e early days of 1,9+"
*ours& e%c" """-
.f you are %#e 'ondon corresponden% of %#e A/erican paper
--- The 12lahoa #un ---
si/ply cable %#is2
-*anks @on3uer Pacific 4cean-
If 'aturalised
6#e verb to naturalise clearly proves 0#a% %#e bri%is# %#ink of you" Before you are ad/i%%ed %o Bri%is#
ci%i>ens#ip you are no% even considered a na%ural #u/an being" . looked up %#e 0ord na%ural Ena?%uralF in
%#e Pocke% 47ford Dic%ionary Ep"J21F5 i% says2 "f or according to or provided by nature' physically
e#isting' innate' instinctive' normal' not miraculous or spiritual or artificial or conventional """ )o%e %#a%
before you ob%ain Bri%is# ci%i>ens#ip& %#ey si/ply doub% you are provided by na%ure"
According %o %#e Pocke% 47ford Dic%ionary %#e 0ord -na?%ural- #as a second /eaning& %oo2 Half(witted
person" 6#is second /eaning& #o0ever& is irrelevan% fro/ %#e poin% of vie0 of our presen% argu/en%"
.f you are %ired of no% being provided by na%ure& no% being p#ysically e7is%ing and being /iraculous and
conven%ional a% %#e sa/e %i/e& apply for Bri%is# ci%i>ens#ip" Goug#ly speaking& %#ere are %0o
possibili%ies2 i% 0ill be gran%ed %o you& or no%"
.n %#e firs% case you /us% reorganise and revise your a%%i%ude %o life" *ou /us% pre%end %#a% you are
every%#ing you are no% and you /us% look do0n upon every%#ing you are"
@opy %#e a%%i%ude of an 1nglis# ac3uain%ance of /ine - le% us call #i/ Gregory Baker" He& an 1nglis#
solici%or& feels par%icularly deep con%e/p% for %#e follo0ing classes of people2 foreigners& A/ericans&
Crenc#/en& .ris#/en& ;co%s/en and $els#/en& :e0s& 0orkers& clerks& poor people& non-professional
/en& business/en& ac%ors& 8ournalis%s and li%erary /en& 0o/en& solici%ors 0#o do no% prac%ise in #is
i//edia%e neig#bour#ood& solici%ors 0#o are #ard up and solici%ors 0#o are %oo ric#& ;ocialis%s&
'iberals& 6ory-refor/ers E@o//unis%s are no% even 0or%#y of #is con%e/p%F5 #e looks do0n upon #is
/o%#er& because s#e #as a business /ind& #is 0ife& because s#e co/es fro/ a non-professional fa/ily&
#is bro%#er& because al%#oug# #e is a professional officer #e does no% serve 0i%# %#e Guards& Hussars& or
a% leas% a coun%y regi/en%" He adores and ad/ires #is seven-years old son& because %#e s#ape of #is nose
rese/bles #is o0n"
.f na%uralised& re/e/ber %#ese rules2
1" *ou /us% s%ar% ea%ing porridge for breakfas% and allege %#a% you like i%"
22
2" ;peak 1nglis# 0i%# your for/er co/pa%rio%s" Deny %#a% you kno0 any foreign language
Eincluding your /o%#er %ongueF" 6#e kno0ledge of foreign languages is very un-1nglis#" A li%%le
Crenc# is per/issible& bu% only 0i%# an a%rocious accen%"
H" Gevise your library" Ge% rid of all foreign 0ri%ers 0#e%#er in %#e original or %ransla%ed in%o
1nglis#" 6#e 0orks of Dos%oevsky s#ould be replaced 0i%# a volu/e on 1nglis# birds5 %#e
collec%ed 0orks of Prous% by a book called -.n%erior Decora%ion in %#e Gegency Period-5 and
Pascal?s -PensMes- by %#e -'ife and 6#oug#%s of a ;co%%is# ;al/on"-
+" ;peaking of your ne0 co/pa%rio%s& al0ays use %#e firs% person plural"
.n %#is aspec%& %#oug#& cer%ain cau%ion is advisable" . kno0 a na?%uralised Bri%is#er 0#o& %alking %o a
young /an& repea%edly used %#e p#rase -$e 1nglis#/en"- 6#e young /an looked a% #i/& %ook #is pipe
ou% of #is /ou%# and re/arked sof%ly2 -;orry& ;ir& .?/ a $els#/an&- %urned #is back on #i/ and 0alked
a0ay"
6#e sa/e gen%le/an 0as lis%ening %o a conversa%ion" .% 0as /en%ioned %#a% %#e :apanese #ad clai/ed %o
#ave s#o% do0n 22 planes"
-$#a% - ours<- #e asked indignan%ly"
His 1nglis# #os%ess ans0ered icily2
-)o - ours"-
23