How to Have a Happy Marriage

A prospective much-needed booklet. Needs work!!

How to Have a Happy Marriage
by Lloyd W. Cary

RESEARCH STAGE (gathering material)
Tentative CONTENTS: The Family—Can It Survive? Gender Role Confusion: Lost Concept of Masculinity and Feminity Marriage Defined. Keys to a Happy Marriage Family in Crisis Is There a Secret of Family Happiness? How Should Men Treat Women? Is Your Marriage Relationship What it Should Be? Should You Retaliate? What Can a Wife Do? What Husbands Can Do What Can We Do with Our Children? Let God Be in Your Marriage Crisis Tips

Possible lead-ins:
At some point, it happens to nearly everyone: You wake up one morning and suddenly it seems your once-blissful marriage is not what it used to be. The spark is gone. What happed to the once-blissful dram of “living happily ever after? Nearly everyone encounters some sort of marriage problem from time to time. The reason is simple: You are given absolutely no training! You remember the feelings you shared when you first fell in love. When it was impossible to look at each other without smiling. Just spending time alone together was the perfect evening. And the animal attraction between the two of you was white hot. You were happy together once. And if you were happy once, you can be happy again. The Creator of marriage put certain laws in place that, if obeyed would assure a happy marriage. But if broken, the marriage may end in disaster. What are these laws? Where can we find them? THERE is a lot wrong with the world. No one will argue about that. It seems that some people can hardly wait to get a divorce. Is YOUR marriage in crisis? Do you have a spouse who is unwilling to work on the marriage? What can you do?

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The Family—Can It Survive? “The disintegration of the family may do more to harm a society than running out of its favorite energy.”—The Seattle Times, Jan. 18, 1976. “In the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, . . . disobedient to parents, . . . having no natural affection.”—The Bible.
How Serious Is The Threat?

Is this just a ‘time of change’ for the family unit? Or is its very existence threatened? Problems vary from family to family, but powerful forces now shake more and more households. Consider just a few: ● World wide, marriage breakups drastically increase. In some countries there is now one divorce for every three marriages. ● Soaring prices everywhere drive a wedge into family life—fathers must work longer hours, mothers often seek outside employment. ● Strife within the family is increasing; each year millions of family members are threatening or attacking one another. ● Parents agonize as they see their children draw away. Children complain that adults do not understand them. More and more families no longer eat, work or play together. Add to these the disputes over the role of women and today’s shifting moral standards. All are threats, not only to family happiness, but to the family’s very existence.
Are We Looking In The Right Direction?

Is more money the answer to family problems? No, for these problems are rampant also among the rich. Can education and counseling help families? Yes, but the question is: What education? Social workers and religious leaders frequently disagree among themselves as to remedies. Yet, many persons agree that every family needs— Better communication—between husband and wife, between parents and children Honest concern and affection—making time for one another, becoming real companions Sound guidance to help all in the family know what is expected of them and where they are going with their lives “Easier said than done,” you may say. Agreed. Motivation is needed. People must really want to make changes. Happily there is a reliable source for finding help and motivation.
A Guide That Works

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Consider these ancient proverbs: “Better to eat a dry crust of bread with peace of mind than have a banquet in a house full of trouble.” “Better to eat vegetables with people you love than to eat the finest meat where there is hate.”

3 Powerful, aren’t they? Both came from the world’s oldest moral guide, the Holy Bible. (Proverbs 17:1; 15:17, Today’s English Version) As noted at the top of page 2, thousands of years ago this same book foretold the critical times that we now see. (Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5.) However, it also has much fine counsel concerning family life. This counsel can be applied to everyday living— no matter who we are. Why not test it out? Look into what the Bible says about the family. The Bible answers such questions as: What relationship should exist between husband and wife for real happiness? How can differences be resolved so that love is kept or “restored”? What can help to prevent a “generation gap” between young people and parents? How much discipline do children need, and how should it be given? The Bible is helping millions of family members to solve their problems. These families are not only surviving—they are finding greater happiness! Certainly, no matter what your circumstance, such a pursuit is worth your time. While many organizations and programs have been established to strengthen marriages and families marriages still end in divorce and the crisis in child rearing continues. Come, join us as we look into God word to see what the originator of marriage reveals about this sacred institution.
Information for possible use: Reword!

Marriage: MAR'RIAGE, n. L.mas, maris. The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life. Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them. Marriage was instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity, and for securing the maintenance and education of children.
Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled. Heb.13. 1. A feast made on the occasion of a marriage. The kingdom of heaven is like a certain king, who made a marriage for his son. Matthew 22. 2. In a scriptural sense, the union between Christ and his church by the covenant of grace. Revelation 19.

Marriage: 1. Its origin and history. --The institution of marriage dates from the time of man's original creation. Ge 2:18-25 From Ge 2:24 we may evolve the following principles: (1) The unity of man and wife, as implied in her being formed out of man. (2) The indissolubleness of the marriage bond, except on; the strongest grounds, Comp. Mt 19:9

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(3) Monogamy, as the original law of marriage (4) The social equality of man and wife. (5) The subordination of the wife to the husband. 1Co 11:8-9; 1Ti 2:13 (6) The respective duties of man and wife. In the patriarchal age polygamy prevailed, Ge 16:4; 25:1,8; 28:9; 29:23,26; 1Ch 7:14 but to a great extent divested of the degradation which in modern times attaches to that practice. Divorce also prevailed in the patriarchal age, though but one instance of it is recorded. Ge 21:14 The Mosaic law discouraged polygamy, restricted divorce, and aimed to enforce purity of life. It was the best civil law possible at the time, and sought to bring the people up to the pure standard of the moral law. In the Post-Babylonian period monogamy appears to have become more prevalent than at any previous time. The practice of polygamy nevertheless still existed; Herod the Great had no less than nine wives at one time. The abuse of divorce continued unabated. Our Lord and his apostles reestablished the integrity and sanctity of the marriage bond by the following measures: (a) By the confirmation of the original charter of marriage as the basis on which all regulations were to be framed. Mt 19:4-5 (b) By the restriction of divorce to the case of fornication, and the prohibition of remarriage in all persons divorced on improper grounds. Mt 5:32; 19:9; Ro 7:3; 1Co 7:10-11 (c) By the enforcement of moral purity generally Heb 13:4 etc., and especial formal condemnation of fornication. Ac 15:20 2. The conditions of legal marriage. --In the Hebrew commonwealth marriage was prohibited (a) between an Israelite and a non-Israelite. There were three grades of prohibition: total in regard to the Canaanites on either side; total on the side of the males in regard to the Ammonites and Moabites; and temporary on the side of the males in regard to the Edomites and Egyptians, marriages with females in the two latter instances being regarded as legal. The progeny of illegal marriages between Israelites and non-Israelites was described as "bastard." De 23:2 (b) between an Israelite and one of his own community. The regulations relative to marriage between Israelites and Israelites were based on considerations of relationship. The most important passage relating to these is contained in Le 18:6-18 wherein we have in the first place a general prohibition against marriage between a man and the "flesh of his flesh," and in the second place special prohibitions against marriage with a mother, stepmother, sister or half-sister, whether "born at home or abroad," granddaughter, aunt, whether by consanguinity on either side or by marriage on the father's side, daughter in-law, brother's wife, stepdaughter, wife's mother, stepgranddaughter, or wife's sister during the lifetime of the wife. An exception is subsequently made, De 26:5-9 in favor of marriage with a brother's wife in the event of his having died childless. The law which regulates this has been named the "levirate," from the Latin levir, "brother-in-law." 3. The modes by which marriage was effected. --The choice of the bride devolved not on the bridegroom himself, but on his relations or on a friend deputed by the bridegroom for this purpose. The consent of the maiden was sometimes asked Ge 24:58 but this appears to have been subordinate to the previous consent of the father and the adult brothers. Ge 24:51; 34:11 Occasionally the whole business of selecting the wife was left in the hands of a friend. The selection of the bride was followed by the espousal, which was a formal proceeding undertaken by a friend or legal representative on the part of the bridegroom and by the parents on the part of the bride; it was confirmed by oaths, and accompanied with presents to the bride. The act of betrothal was celebrated by a feast, and among the more modern Jews it is the custom in some parts for the bride. groom to place a ring on the bride's finger. The ring was regarded among the Hebrews as a token of fidelity Ge 41:42 and of adoption into a family.

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Lu 15:25 Between the betrothal sad the marriage so interval elapsed, varying from a few days in the patriarchal age, Ge 24:55 to a full year for virgins and a month for widows in later times. During this period the bride-elect lived with her friends, and all communication between herself and her future husband was carried on through the medium of a friend deputed for the purpose, termed the "friend of the bridegroom." Joh 3:29 She was now virtually regarded as the wife of her future husband; hence faithlessness on her part was punishable with death, De 22:23-24 the husband having, however, the option of "putting her away." De 24:1; Mt 1:19 The essence of the marriage ceremony consisted in the removal of the bride from her father's house to that of the bridegroom or his father. The bridegroom prepared himself for the occasion by putting on a festive dress, and especially by placing on his head a handsome nuptial turban. Ps 45:8; Song 4:10-11 The bride was veiled. Her robes were white, Re 19:8 and sometimes embroidered with gold thread, Ps 45:13-14 and covered with perfumes! Ps 45:8 she was further decked out with jewels. Isa 49:18; 61:10; Re 21:2 When the fixed hour arrived, which was, generally late in the evening, the bridegroom set forth from his house, attended by his groomsmen (Authorized Version "companions," Jg 14:11 "children of the bride-chamber," Mt 9:15 preceded by a band of musicians or singers, Ge 31:27; Jer 7:34; 16:9 and accompanied by persons hearing flambeaux, Jer 25:10 2 Esdr. 10:2; Mt 25:7; Re 18:23 and took the bride with the friends to his own house. At the house a feast was prepared, to which all the friends and neighbors were invited, Ge 29:22; Mt 22:1-10; Lu 14:8; Joh 2:2 and the festivities were protracted for seven or even fourteen days. Jg 14:12; Job 8:19 The guests were provided by the host with fitting robes, Mt 22:11 and the feast was enlivened with riddles, Jg 14:12 and other amusements. The last act in the ceremonial was the conducting of the bride to the bridal chamber, Jg 15:1; Joe 2:16 where a canopy was prepared. Ps 19:5; Joe 2:16 The bride was still completely veiled, so that the deception practiced on Jacob, Ge 29:23 was not difficult. A newly married man was exempt from military service, or from any public business which might draw him away from his home, for the space of a year, De 24:5 a similar privilege was granted to him who was 'betrothed. De 20:7

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4. The social and domestic conditions of married life. --The wife must have exercised an important influence in her own home. She appears to have taken her part in family affairs, and even to have enjoyed a considerable amount of independence. Jg 4:18; 1Sa 25:14; 2Ki 4:8 etc. In the New Testament the mutual relations of husband and wife are a subject of frequent exhortation. Eph 5:22,33; Col 3:18-19; Tit 2:4-5; 1Pe 3:1-7 The duties of the wife in the Hebrew household were multifarious; in addition to the general superintendence of the domestic arrangements, such as cooking, from which even women of rank were not exempt. Ge 18:8; 2Sa 13:5 and the distribution of food at meal times, Pr 31:13 the manufacture of the clothing and of the various fabrics required in her home devolved upon her, Pr 31:13,21-22 and if she were a model of activity and skill, she produced a surplus of fine linen shirts and girdles, which she sold and so, like a well-freighted merchant ship, brought in wealth to her husband from afar. Pr 31:14,24 The legal rights of the wife are noticed in Ex 21:10 under the three heads of food, raiment, and duty of marriage or conjugal right. 5. The allegorical and typical allusions to marriage have exclusive reference to one object, viz., to exhibit the spiritual relationship between God and his people. In the Old Testament Isa 54:5; Jer 3:14; Ho 2:19 In the New Testament the image of the bridegroom is transferred from God to Christ, Mt 9:15; Joh 3:29 and that of the bride to the Church, 2Co 11:2; Re 19:7; 21:2,9

Is There a Secret of Family Happiness? THE family is the oldest institution on earth, and it plays a vital role in human society. Throughout history, strong families have helped to make strong societies. The family is the best arrangement for bringing up children to be mature adults. A happy family is a haven of safety and security. Envision the ideal family for a moment. During their evening meal, caring parents sit with their children and discuss the events of the day. Children chatter excitedly as they tell their father and mother about what happened at school. The relaxing time spent together refreshes everyone for another day in the world outside. In a happy family, a child knows that his father and mother will care for him when he gets sick, perhaps taking turns at his bedside through the night. He knows that he can go to his mother or father with the problems of his young life and get advice and support. Yes, the child feels safe, no matter how trouble-filled the outside world may be. When children grow up, they usually get married and have a family of their own. “A person realizes how indebted he is to his parents when he has a child of his own,” says an Oriental proverb. With a deep sense of gratitude and love, the grown children try to make their own families happy, and they also care for their now aging parents, who delight in the company of the grandchildren. Perhaps at this point you are thinking: ‘Well, I love my family, but it is not like the one just described. My spouse and I work different schedules and hardly see each other. We talk mostly about money problems.’ Or do you say, ‘My children and grandchildren live in another town, and I never get to see them’? Yes, for reasons often beyond the control of those involved, much family life is less than ideal. Still, some lead happy family lives. How? Is there a secret of family happiness? The answer is yes. But before discussing what it is, we should answer an important question. WHAT IS A FAMILY?

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In Western lands, most families consist of a father, a mother, and children. Grandparents may live in their own households as long as they can. While contact is kept up with more-distant relatives, duties toward these are limited. Basically, this is the family that we will discuss in this book. However, other families have become increasingly common in recent years—the single-parent family, the stepfamily, and the family whose parents are not living together for one reason or another. Common in some cultures is the extended family. In this arrangement, if possible, grandparents are routinely looked after by their children, and close ties and responsibilities extend to distant relatives. For instance, family members may help to support, raise, and even pay for the education of their nieces, nephews, or more-distant relatives. The principles to be discussed in this publication apply also to extended families. THE FAMILY UNDER STRESS Today the family is changing—sad to say, not for the better. An example is seen in India, where a wife may live with the family of her husband and work in the home under the direction of her in-laws. Nowadays, though, it is not uncommon for Indian wives to seek employment outside the home. Yet they are apparently still expected to fulfill their traditional roles in the home. The question raised in many lands is, Compared with other members of the family, how much work should a woman with an outside job be expected to do in the home? In Oriental societies, strong extended-family ties are traditional. However, under the influence of Western-style individualism and the stress of economic problems, the traditional extended family is weakening. Many, therefore, view care of aged family members as a burden rather than as a duty or a privilege. Some elderly parents are abused. Indeed, abuse and neglect of the aged are found in many countries today. Divorce is becoming increasingly common. In Spain the divorce rate rose to 1 out of 8 marriages by the beginning of the final decade of the 20th century—a big jump from 1 out of 100 just 25 years before. Britain, with reportedly the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages are expected to fail), has seen a surge in the number of single-parent families. Many in Germany seem to be abandoning the traditional family altogether. The 1990’s saw 35 percent of all German households made up of a single person and 31 percent made up of just two individuals. The French too are marrying less often, and those who do marry divorce more often and earlier than used to be the case. Growing numbers prefer to live together without the responsibilities of marriage. Comparable trends are seen worldwide.
12 What of children? In the United States and many other lands, more and more are born out of wedlock, some to young teenagers. Many teenage girls have a number of children from different fathers. Reports from around the world tell of millions of homeless children roaming the streets; many are escaping from abusive homes or are cast out by families that can no longer support them. 8

Yes, the family is in crisis. In addition to what has already been mentioned, teenage rebellion, child abuse, spousal violence, alcoholism, and other devastating problems rob many families of happiness. For a great number of children and adults, the family is far from being a haven. 14 Why the family crisis? Some blame the present-day family crisis on the entry of women into the workplace. Others point to today’s moral breakdown. And additional causes are cited. Almost two thousand years ago, a well-known lawyer foretold that many pressures would afflict the family, when he wrote: “In the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.” (2 Timothy 3:1-4) Who would doubt that these words are being fulfilled today? In a world with conditions such as these, is it any wonder that many families are in crisis?

How Should Men Treat Women?

8 WHAT is the best way for men to deal with women? How, especially, should a husband treat his wife for the greatest benefit to both? The answer to such questions can come only from the one who is the best qualified. Who is that? It has to be the One who designed and made the minds and bodies of men and women. Surely the Creator, God God, knows best how his own creation should operate for the best results. Keep in mind that marriage is not an accident, something that just happened to develop over the ages. The first marriage was ordained by God. First, God created the man, then the woman, joining them together as husband and wife. Each was given somewhat different qualities and responsibilities. Of this, Genesis 2:18 says: “It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.” A complement is a counterpart, something that makes complete. It provides what is lacking or needed. In the case of the man and woman, each was created with a need that the other filled. Their qualities balanced, or complemented, each other so well that the man and woman as a married couple were considered to be “one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24) That this worked in the best interests of both can be seen by what the Bible account also says: “After that God saw everything he had made and, look! it was very good.”—Gen. 1:31. Note too that when the woman was created it was not said that her only function was to have children. The woman’s relationship to her husband as a complement, or partner, is what is singled out for specific mention. She obviously complements him in childbearing, because neither one can accomplish this alone. But she complements him in many other ways too.
God’s View of Women

Also, the relationship of the woman to her Creator, God God, was more important than her relationship either to her husband or to the children she would have. This can be seen in several ways. One was the fact that, while the man was given heavier responsibilities, the female also was given qualities that reflected God’s personality, having these in common with the man. The woman, for example, certainly is in no way inferior to man in the quality of love, and this is the dominant quality in God’s personality. God’s Word says: “He that does not love has not come to know God, because God is love. . . . God is love, and he that remains in love remains in union with God and God remains in union with him.” (1 John 4:8, 16) That holds just as true for women as it does for men. Then, too, the apostle Paul included, not just men believers, but also women disciples when he said: “All of us, while we with unveiled faces reflect like mirrors the glory of God, are transformed into the same image from glory to glory, exactly as done by God the Spirit.” (2 Cor. 3:18) In fact, the most conclusive evidence of God’s high regard for women is that he grants women the privilege of being among those who form his Son’s heavenly government. That is why the Bible says in this regard: “There is neither male nor female; for you are all one person in union with Christ Jesus.” (Gal. 3:28) So God has a high and loving regard for women, dealing with them as persons, their relationship to him being just as important as the man’s relationship to God.
Who Was More at Fault?

However, in time both the first man and the first woman began to desire something that could never be theirs. They wanted to be like God in having the right and ability to determine for

9 themselves what was right and what was wrong, instead of guiding themselves by God’s laws. The woman rebelled first, then the man.—Gen. 3:1-6. From this some have concluded that ‘if it were not for women we would be in the garden of Eden.’ But that is not accurate. Man was created first and made the family head with the greater responsibility. As the ‘captain’ of his ship, he should have steered a straight course even in troubled seas. But that first man, Adam, failed as a family head. Since he had the greater responsibility, he had the greater guilt. Hence, Romans 5:12 says: “Through one man sin entered into the world and death through sin.” As a result of moving away from God’s guidance, the human family began to devise their own rules of conduct. In this, the woman in many cases has come out the loser, for man’s greater physical strength and aggressiveness enabled him to dominate the female and often abuse her, which was contrary to God’s purpose.
God’s Superior Ways Unfold

Yet, God set a time limit on permitting human foolishness. As the centuries passed, God gradually revealed what he would do to remedy the bad situation into which the human family had come. About fifteen centuries before the birth of Jesus Christ, God revealed more of his purposes by his dealings with the nation of ancient Israel. Through Moses, he gave Israel a law code. Incorporated in it were provisions for the benefit of women. These brought the Israelite women into a situation far superior to that of women living in the surrounding pagan nations. Centuries later, Jesus Christ introduced Christianity, unfolding God’s purposes more fully. Under the Christian arrangement, women came into a position superior even to that in ancient Israel. True Christianity was a way of life far, far superior to any ever devised by man, and woman would reap the benefits when it was practiced in the way God purposed. Under Christianity, the role of man as ‘captain’ of the family was maintained. It was the best arrangement, considering how God made man and woman. So, as Ephesians 5:23 says, “A husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation.” And if there were no head in a family, what would happen? There could be constant bickering and disagreement over decisions, with no one making the final one. But it is necessary for the welfare of the family to have someone authorized to make final decisions, and God has assigned that role to the husband. For instance, if a man is driving an automobile, and sees a difficult traffic situation developing that calls for an immediate response in direction or speed, it would only make matters worse for his wife to insist that she had a view on the matter and he should do it her way. Someone has to make final decisions, and when the husband does so in a loving and considerate way, it really does work for the best of the family.
What Kind of Headship?

But just what does the husband’s headship mean? As noted, it means that in the family he has the right to make final decisions, especially in serious matters. But how should he exercise that headship? Does it entitle him to be a boss, a dictator? That is not at all what God has in mind, for Ephesians 5:28, 29 declares: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh.” The husband is under obligation to be as considerate of his wife as he is of himself, since they are “one flesh.”

10 But much more is involved. God also commands husbands to do this: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.”—1 Pet. 3:7. How do you honor another person? Why, you treat that person with respect. You have consideration for that one’s opinions, likes and dislikes. You give that one the preference when there is no issue at stake. You do what Colossians 3:12, 13 says: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.” These are the qualities that make it easy for women to love and to respect their husbands. In fact, one happily married woman, when asked what she appreciated most about her husband, replied: ‘The tenderness and consideration that he has for me.’ And that is just what God says husbands should show their wives. Also, while at first the mother’s role in a child’s life is critical, in time the father’s grows more important. That is why God’s law tells fathers to take the lead in training their growing children in the vital things of life, such as morality, religion and discipline. While the mother also plays an important part in all this, it is the father who is to take the lead.—Eph. 6:4. Part of taking the lead is in setting a good example, ‘practicing what you preach.’ And here one of the finest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. What a fine example that sets for the future mothers and fathers! There is more. Ephesians 5:25 says: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it.” Yes, the husband is to have such consideration for his wife that he would be willing to lay down his life for her! That is what Jesus did for those he loved. Now, then, what sensible woman would want liberation from a man who shows her that kind of honor, respect, consideration, tenderness and loyalty? Of course, she has her role to play too, and the Bible gives much good counsel on this. But here we are discussing primarily the responsibilities of the man.
Treatment of Other Women

How should men deal with other women not their wives? The young man Timothy was given this counsel that was inspired by God: “Do not severely criticize an older man. To the contrary, entreat him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters with all chasteness.”—1 Tim. 5:1, 2. A man should have respect for an older woman as if she were his mother. And he must be morally upright toward a younger woman, as though she were his sister, not considering her a ‘sexual object’ but dealing with her as a person.
Right View of Woman’s Role

Jesus had high regard for women. He did not view them as ‘inferior,’ as ‘sexual objects’ or as just baby producers. On one occasion he visited two sisters, Mary and Martha. Martha busied herself in preparing things, but Mary “sat down at the feet of the Lord and kept listening to his word.” When Martha complained that Mary was not helping her, Jesus commended Mary instead, saying that she “chose the good portion, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42) Jesus was not belittling household duties, but was showing that there are more important things than that for women.

11 On another occasion a woman said to Jesus: “Happy is the womb that carried you and the breasts that you sucked!” But Jesus told her: “No, rather, Happy are those hearing the word of God and keeping it!” (Luke 11:27, 28) He showed that a woman’s relationship to God is more important than her role as a mother. After all, only a minority of a woman’s life is involved in childbearing and the raising of children. And if a man, even a husband, asks a woman to break God’s laws, what then? The Bible principle is: “We must obey God as ruler rather than men.”—Acts 5:29. So when you really study what the Bible has to say about how men should treat women, you can see that God has certainly placed the women in a position of dignity and favor. True, most men in this world do not abide by God’s high standards. But that does not make the standards wrong. Instead, it exposes the wrong attitude of such men. And someday they will have to answer to God for it. Men who are true Christians do accept God’s standards. If you investigate God’s witnesses, you will find that they do. They constantly learn how to apply these standards in their lives, with increasing benefits to themselves and the women they deal with. And when their wives, mothers and sisters also have the same high regard for God’s superior standards and play their roles properly, they find great harmony and happiness. None of them seek liberation from that, and not because they are forced to stay in that arrangement, but because they want to, seeing it as a far superior way of bringing them happiness than any other. Still, even compatible men and women need liberation. From what? From a world filled with hatred, crime, war, poverty, sickness and death; from a world that has caused such injustices, not only to women, but to men and children too. Will such liberation ever be a reality? When a woman told Jesus, “Happy is the womb that carried you,” he answered: “No, rather, Happy are those hearing the word of God and keeping it!”

Is Your Marriage Relationship What it Should Be?

Every wife wants a happy marriage. To achieve this, it is necessary for her, as well as her husband, to have a clear understanding of the responsibilities of each in the marriage relationship. Mutual love, respect and concern are necessary for a happy marriage. Many couples, though faced with serious marital problems, have saved their marriages with the help of the fine marriage counsel found in the Bible.

Should You Retaliate?

“I’LL get you for that!” Does that threat sound familiar to you? Throughout human history it has been common for people to return evil for evil, or to retaliate. This attitude is especially widespread today. Retaliation takes many forms. Youngsters often hit back at other youths who may annoy them. Angry motorists retaliate against other motorists or pedestrians by honking horns or by trying to obstruct other drivers in some way. Family members retaliate by shouting at one another or by giving the “silent treatment.” Retaliation has snuffed out the lives of millions of persons in international wars and in “blood feuds” between families or clans.

12 Why do people retaliate? For some, “getting even” is a matter of pride. Others reason that, if a person does not retaliate when injured or wronged, he is actually encouraging others to take advantage of him. How do you feel? If someone mistreats you, would it be wise to overlook the matter? Or should you retaliate?

What Can a Wife Do?

WIVES often ask that question in a tone of despair. Their marital problems just seem beyond themselves to solve. These wives, unfortunately, are not exceptions. Today they seem to be in the majority—a result of what psychologist Israel Charny calls “the nearly disastrous state of most marriages.” Therefore, it should come as happy news to many to hear that, despite the seriousness of family problems, there is a way to handle them successfully. Considering the origin of marriage sheds much light upon both the problems and the solution.
Where Marriage Originated

Many believe that marriage is of human origin, that in some way it was worked out in the distant past by men. This idea is at the very root of today’s disastrous family breakdown. Why do we say this? Because it shoves aside as unimportant the very finest counsel on marital problem. Marriage is really of a higher origin. Almighty God himself created the first man and woman, gave them powers of reproduction, and joined them together in marriage. God also provided instructions recorded in the Bible on how to make a success of marriage. When these instructions are followed closely, marital success is enjoyed.
Can the Bible Really Help?

Some persons object, saying that people have long had the Bible and yet their marriages have been failures. The increased divorce rate, they say, is due to fewer couples putting up with unhappy marriages. There is considerable truth in this argument. Millions of unhappy couples do possess the Bible. But have they read it? More importantly, have they applied its principles in their lives? The simple fact is, the Bible’s advice has already helped many couples to handle their family problems successfully. If you want a happy marriage, it is wise at least to examine family problems in the light of what this book the Bible says.
When Sex Is a Problem

is commonly cited as a major problem in marriage. This is often due to unrealistic views sponsored by the news media. Popular books, magazines and movies have couples ‘fall in love’ and live ‘happily ever after.’ Literature also highlights sexual pleasures, often raising expectations beyond what realization fulfills. To illustrate, one young wife explained: “I guess I wanted sex to be some psychedelic jackpot that made the whole world light up like a pinball machine. I mean, it was all right but I kept thinking, ‘Is that all there is? Is that all there really is?’”

Sex

13 The wife’s overriding concern was her own sexual enjoyment. She was not satisfied. This is the complaint of many women—that their husbands do not satisfy them sexually. In such case, what can a wife do? Is it possible for her to realize greater satisfaction? Does the Bible say anything helpful? Note the straightforward encouragement it provides: “Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband. Do not be depriving each other of it, except by mutual consent.”—1 Cor. 7:3, 5. According to this Bible counsel, whom should a mate be concerned primarily with pleasing? One’s own self, as was the primary interest of the above-mentioned wife? No, but, rather, one’s mate. The underlying principle here in the Bible is of rendering, giving. The welfare and pleasure of the marriage mate, not oneself, is properly paramount. This is in harmony with the further Bible principles: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” “Love . . . does not look for its own interests.”—1 Cor. 10:24; 13:4, 5. But how can seeking to please her husband increase the satisfaction of a wife? Well, enjoyment of intercourse is largely dependent upon the mind and heart. Thus, when wives view sexual relations as an opportunity to display their deep love for their husbands, they more frequently, as a side result, find that they themselves are enjoying the relations to a higher degree. When the wife’s mind is not principally on her own sensations, she often relaxes. Any resentment she may have entertained melts away, and the personal pleasure she really desires in the marriage act is realized as a natural consequence. The greatest teacher to walk the earth, Jesus Christ, indicated that giving of oneself will, in turn, bring a person satisfaction. He said: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” This principle has time and again proved true in connection with intimate marriage relations.—Acts 20:35. Furthermore, applying Bible counsel is likely to work for the wife’s satisfaction because of the effect on her husband. It will do more than anything else to move him to begin to act unselfishly toward her, being more considerate of her needs and desires. It has happened this way in many marriages. The one taking the initiative in giving receives back in kind.—Luke 6:38. Thus the Bible urges showing unselfishness and love in paying the marriage dues. Try practicing this. See if it does not eventually lead to your realizing greater marital satisfaction.
When Husbands Lack Initiative

Dr. Rebecca Liswood, a marriage counselor with over twenty years of experience, noted another major marriage problem, explaining: “Many of my clients complain of the weakness and irresolution of their husbands.” Perhaps this is your complaint. Your husband may fail to shoulder his family responsibilities as you believe he should. What can you do about it? Again the Bible provides help. It shows that man and woman were created with somewhat different qualities and responsibilities, with the purpose that their union contribute to mutual happiness. After creating man, the Creator said: “I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Gen. 2:18.

14 The two were thus created to go together; their qualities balanced or complemented each other. Each was created with a need that the other filled. Thus woman was made as a helper to her husband, and in keeping with that role the Bible urges: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands . . . because a husband is head of his wife.” (Eph. 5:22, 23) This is practical, for if there is no head in the family there is usually discord and confusion. ‘But that is the very problem,’ you may say. ‘My husband does not assume headship; he does not take the lead.’ Yet have you considered why he does not? Could your own attitude be part of the problem? Today female aggressiveness and competition with men have become common. Has some of this spirit rubbed off on you, as it has on other wives? For example, Dr. Liswood said that, even though they may fail to realize it, her clients’ “own aggressive tactics” are often a source of family problems. Many husbands are repelled when wives push ahead. Their reaction may be, ‘If she wants to run the show, let her go ahead and do it.’ It may not be your intention to operate independently of your husband, but he may think that it is. Yet you may feel that you are forced to take the lead, since your husband simply will not do so. But could you do more to encourage him to fill his proper role in the family? Do you ask for his suggestions and guidance? Do you indicate that you are looking up to him for leadership? Do you avoid in any way belittling what he does? When in small ways he manifests willingness to make decisions or take the lead in family affairs, do you express appreciation for this? Or do you argue against his decisions? If you really work on fulfilling your God-assigned role in marriage, it is likely that your husband may start to assume his. And this will contribute to genuine family peace and happiness.
When Communication Breaks Down

Another complaint, perhaps the commonest one voiced by wives, runs something like this: ‘My husband was thoughtful during our courtship, but he isn’t now. He’s hardly ever at home, and when he is, he makes no effort to talk to me.’ Does a communication problem threaten the welfare of your family? It need not, for the Bible helps marriage mates to view matters realistically. For example, the Bible emphasizes that we are all imperfect. “We all stumble many times,” it says. “If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (Jas. 3:2) So, then, is it realistic to expect perfect marital harmony in word and deed? Think back: Before marriage, did you enjoy perfect relations with your brothers and sisters, school friends or possible roommates, with never a sharp word between you? If not, why expect faultless relations with your marriage mate? Do not be surprised if differences of opinions or expressions give rise to problems. Do not assume, as some wives apparently do, that a dispute or conflict is evidence that ‘he doesn’t love me anymore.’ Try to deal with the problem objectively. True, you may feel deep emotional hurt, but try not to think principally of your own hurt feelings or of how to get even. This will only enlarge the problem. Rather, consider what can be done to settle the difficulty. Do it right away. Remember the Bible’s counsel: “Love . . . does not become provoked, it does not keep account of the injury.”—1 Cor. 13:4, 5.

15 Analyze your own conduct. Could you bear a measure of fault? Could you, for example, in some way have failed to heed this Scriptural admonition: “The wife should have deep respect for her husband”? (Eph. 5:33) “Deep respect” will cause a wife to avoid anything that would result in her husband’s displeasure. Failure to show such respect is often responsible for a husband’s aloofness. Many husbands are driven away by the nagging of a contentious wife. (Prov. 25:24; 27:15) In one instance a divorced man said: “Do you know what finally finished me and Estelle? It was her need to be right at all costs. . . . whenever anything went badly, her line was, ‘I told you so!’” Are you careful to avoid such expressions that would show disrespect for your husband? “Deep respect” may also be shown by a wife’s appearance. Do you try to be attractive to your husband? Would he have continued to call on you before you were married if you gave no more attention to your appearance and personal hygiene than you do now? What about your home? Is it kept neat and clean? Are meals prepared tastefully? When he comes home, do you welcome him with genuine affection? Respect for your husband includes close attention to all these matters. As for the oft-heard complaint, ‘He doesn’t talk to me anymore,’ one woman said: “The blueribbon reason why men don’t talk to their wives is simply that we’re such poor listeners. Is this true of you? When your husband speaks, do you butt in, leaf through a magazine or have your ear tuned in to some other matter? Lack of interest in his opinions and feelings is certainly not showing him “deep respect.” By analyzing your conduct in the light of Bible counsel, you may see things that you can do to improve your handling of family problems. Application of God’s instruction has brought contentment and happiness to thousands of troubled homes.
When Husbands Do Not Respond

Yet what if, despite a wife’s efforts, her husband continues to make life difficult? For a Christian wife there is still considerable satisfaction, for, as the Bible notes: “If, when you are doing good and you suffer, you endure it, this is a thing agreeable with God.”—1 Pet. 2:20. In such suffering Jesus Christ himself set the example, as the Bible account goes on to note: “When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return. When he was suffering, he did not go threatening, but kept on committing himself to the one who judges righteously. . . . In like manner, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.”—1 Pet. 2:23-3:1. Admittedly this may not be easy to do, even as it was not easy for Jesus submissively to endure persecution. Yet, having an “unbelieving husband” is no grounds for divorce. (1 Cor. 7:13) But, as in the case of Christ, a wife can be sustained in her righteous course by the contentment and satisfaction that come from knowing that she is doing what is pleasing to Almighty God. And she can be assured that her faithfulness will be remembered and rewarded by God in his righteous new system.—2 Pet. 3:13; Rev. 21:3, 4. Thus, the wife can only do so much to handle family problems successfully. For a more complete resolving of problems she needs the cooperation of her husband.

What Husbands Can Do

16 SUCCESS in marriage depends on the efforts of both mates. Yet the husband bears the greater responsibility for conditions in the family. This is because of his position. God’s Word the Bible says: “A husband is head of his wife.”—Eph. 5:23. A husband may feel that his wife is primarily the cause of the problems. But even if she is, is it not the mark of a good head that he can successfully handle problems of those under his charge? Someone may object: ‘Dealing with my wife is different. It’s easier to manage a hundred men in my business than it is to get along peacefully with her.’ There may be some truth in this, for, as a rule, family problems have been the most difficult for men to handle. No doubt that is why the Creator of the family provided husbands with lots of counsel on how to treat their wives properly. Having made them, surely God knows best how wives should be treated by husbands.
The Key to Warm Marital Intimacy

The Creator purposed that a warm intimacy be enjoyed in marriage, and so designed woman “as a complement” of man. Mates, therefore, were not simply to be acquaintances that share the same dwelling place; they were to be “one flesh.” (Gen. 2:18, 24) Their respective qualities were to be balanced, complemented, so well that a truly joyous relationship would be possible. Yet it is rather rare to find such an intimate warmth between mates. Husbands, for example, frequently complain that their wives are too cold to be adequate sex partners. But why? Where does the trouble lie? As head of the family, the husband should certainly deal intelligently with the problem. The Holy Bible states: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” (Eph. 5:28, 29) How important is this advice? Do women really need to be loved by their husbands? Indeed they do. Marriage counselors often emphasize this. For example, Dr. David Reuben observed: “A wife particularly needs that special kind of attention that involves tenderness, understanding and reassurance.” It is a cardinal truth: For wives to be genuinely happy they need to feel that they are loved. So the key to warm marital intimacy is for husbands to fill this need. The Bible urges husbands: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself.”—Eph. 5:33.
Why Love Needs Expression

However, men often consider expressing love for their wives unnecessary, apparently feeling that supporting them materially is evidence enough of their love. But when expressions of affection are withheld, how is a wife affected? The following letter from a wife may give you some idea. She wrote: “Here is my problem: I am so hungry . . . for a little sweet talk, a compliment, the feel of his arm around my waist while I’m cooking or a chance to sit in his lap, I’d trade all the material things I have for one affectionate squeeze.” Yes, wives need to be shown love. They blossom out when they receive it, becoming more contented and often even more physically attractive. They were created with this need for love. That is why God urges husbands to love their wives. Failure to heed this counsel has had tragic

17 consequences. It is, in fact, a principal cause of the unhappiness found in so many marriages today. Why so? Because a wife starved for her husband’s tenderness and affection is likely to feel insecure and lack confidence regarding her femininity. Even resentment of her husband may develop, including perhaps a subconscious desire to get even with him for his neglect of her. How can a wife with such feelings be expected to be a warm and intimate sex partner?
Giving Expression to Love

Often husbands do love their wives, but find it difficult to express it. Here again the Bible can be helpful, for it shows how we should treat others. It says: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.”—Col. 3:12, 13. Some men, however, feel that it would be unmanly to treat their wives this way. And yet this is actually the way wives should be treated. In fact, sex relations for a wife may be unsatisfying, and even unpleasant, if her husband fails to appreciate that she was designed by God to respond to a kind, considerate man, not a harsh, demanding one. The Creator realized that husbands, confronted as they are with so many erroneous ideas, would need instruction on how to love their wives. That is why he encourages them to be tender and considerate, saying: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.”—1 Pet. 3:7. When it comes to sexual relations, it is especially important that a husband heed this instruction. He should act in accord with knowledge of how God made women. They usually are not as strong physically as men, and emotionally they are generally more delicate and sentimental than men. So God tells husbands to give wives honor as to a weaker vessel, to be respectful of their makeup, limitations and vicissitudes. Thus, there are likely to be times when wives are very tired and do not feel up to having sexual relations. A husband could be demanding, forcing himself upon his wife. He may consider this a demonstration of his manly headship, feeling it weak to accede to her wish that they wait until another time. However, honoring his wife’s feelings in this matter is not a sign of weakness, but, rather, of strength. It requires manliness to exercise self-control and not to take personal affront at his wife’s wishes. Also, it is important that the husband act in accord with knowledge while preparing for and engaging in intercourse. He should understand that a wife is not immediately prepared sexually to receive him. She is slower to respond in a sexual way. Therefore, a husband who follows God’s instructions to honor his wife will take this into consideration. He will tenderly and patiently help her to receive him, so that the marriage act can be equally pleasurable and satisfying to both of them. What often occurs when a wife experiences such unselfish love from her husband? The warm love she, in turn, feels for him smooths over friction that may develop in other areas of married life. Actually sex is only a small part of marriage in which God’s instructions need to be applied. A husband should not forget to treat his wife according to knowledge and with honor at other times also. For example, he needs to realize that her biological cycle may, at times, affect her adversely in physical, mental and emotional ways. She may then do and say things that she would not

18
ordinarily. A husband needs to take this into consideration, and not to be overly sensitive if she speaks sharply or acts rashly, but continue to treat her with kindness.

Yet much more is involved. Successful marriage requires cooperation and communication. Although the husband is head of the family, before making decisions he should consider the opinions, likes and dislikes of his wife, even giving her preference when there is no issue at stake. In this way he shows her honor. By thus heeding God’s counsel, there will be peace and happiness in the marriage. But if mates do not cooperate in the various aspects of their marriage, what may then happen when it comes to sex relations? One wife wrote very frankly about this, saying: “Men complain because their wives are ‘cold.’ May I tell you about my marriage? . . . I have tried to draw [my husband] into conversations about my work . . . And he never says a word about his work, although I ask lots of questions, hoping to generate a little conversation between us. . . . “Sunday night is his night to ‘relax’ so we don’t go anywhere. I go to bed at 9:30 as I’ve spent my day cooking and cleaning. He hits the hay after the late movie. Then he starts looking for an affectionate bed partner. “I wonder how many married women are eager to make love to a stranger who hasn’t talked to them all week.” Really, this is something for husbands to think about. If a warm intimacy does not exist in your marriage, could it be that you bear considerable responsibility for this? It takes humility to acknowledge one’s shortcomings and to take steps to correct them. Doing so, however, will surely help to bring you and your wife greater satisfaction and contentment. But perhaps the problem in your family is of an entirely different nature. There is more that a husband desires in a wife than a satisfying sex partner.
Handling Other Problems

Caring for the home and cooking tasty and nutritious meals are also integral parts of marriage. One husband expressed his complaint bluntly: “Maybe other husbands will disagree with me, but I would rather have a cleaner house and better fed kids than a wife who lets everything go so she can rest up for sack time.” Your wife, too, may fall considerably short of measuring up to the “capable wife” described in the Bible. (Prov. 31:10-31) What can you do? Some husbands may, in a nagging way, draw comparisons with the well-kept homes and fine cooking of other wives. But this probably will only cause their wives to feel resentment. How much better if a husband can appeal to his wife in such a way that she desires to improve in her care of the home and in her cooking ability! Attention might tactfully be drawn to the poor impression created on others if the home is messy, or the family ill fed. And if there are children, it might be noted that they will be affected adversely later in life by poor parental example now. If these points are made with love and kindness, it will give your wife incentive to improve. If your wife never learned homemaking skills, encourage and help her to learn. Let her know how much you appreciate her efforts. Even when improvement is small, sincerely compliment her. Then, on your day off, or in the evening, why not give her a hand by washing the dishes and

19 cleaning the rugs and floors? This is practical application of the Bible counsel to ‘love your wife,’ and it is certain to produce rewarding results. A husband, too, needs to be reasonable, avoiding being overly fussy. One husband, who had often nagged his wife about being neat, was on vacation when his wife required a short hospital stay. After caring for the home and children a few days and thus realizing for the first time all that was involved, he sincerely apologized to his wife for his fussiness. So be understanding and alert to compliment, rather than demanding or critical. Then if you do make a suggestion for improvement, it will likely be welcomed. Regardless of what problem arises between you and your wife, if you will only remember that “husbands ought to be loving their wives,” you will be aided to handle the situation successfully.—Eph. 5:28. However, in many families today major problems are with the children. What can be done to handle these successfully?

What Can We Do with Our Children?

THAT is what millions of parents are asking. They are anxious about their young ones’ behavior. For example, according to statistics cited by McCall’s magazine, “52 percent of America’s teen-agers are engaging in premarital sexual activity.” To prevent pregnancies, some parents are giving their daughters contraceptives. Perhaps you disagree with that procedure. But what is the answer? “By their words and actions, many fathers and mothers make it clear that they are almost paralyzed by uncertainty,” noted a member of the editorial board of the New York Times.
Why the Uncertainty?

Largely responsible is the advice given by many worldly authorities. In recent years these have said: “The child should not do anything until he comes to the opinion—his own opinion— that it should be done.” “In an effective plan of discipline there is no place for corporal punishment.” Thus old methods of discipline have been replaced with new ones. Attitudes regarding moral behavior have also changed. For example, Parents’ Magazine of December 1973 considers the question of premarital sex for youths. It recommends to parents a letter by Deane William Ferm, chaplain of Mount Holyoke College, to his daughter. The clergyman advised her: “I suggest you limit intercourse to the marriage promise rather than the marriage ceremony. It is naive to think that the wedding night should mark a radical change in the physical intimacy between two loved ones. . . . “The value of the so-called ‘new morality’ is that you yourself must decide on the responsible thing to do. . . . “You may think it quite proper to engage in intercourse under circumstances beyond our suggested limits. If you do so decide . . . we would not want you to feel guilty. . . . Do not feel ashamed that you have acted contrary to what society (often hypocritically) demands, or to what your church and parents have suggested.”

20 When that kind of advice by a prominent clergyman is thus endorsed, what is the effect? Why, many parents follow the advice, and some even arrange to make fornication convenient for their young. The bad fruits are all too apparent—venereal disease, fear of pregnancy, illegitimate children, unwed mothers, heartbreak, clandestine abortions and plagued consciences. Suicides of youths have skyrocketed, and emotional disorders are also increasing. How, then, can parents successfully handle problems with their children?
Source of Successful Advice

It is by applying Bible counsel. The Bible takes a firm stand as to premarital sex. “Abstain from fornication,” it says. “Let fornication . . . not even be mentioned among you.”—1 Thess. 4:3; Eph. 5:3. Some parents may object, saying, ‘Premarital sex is a way of life with most young people.’ Yet is that a valid reason to excuse it? If most people steal, cheat or murder, should these practices also be condoned? No reasonable person would say so. Parents need to take a firm stand to protect their children against wrong practices.
Reason with Your Children

But it is not enough simply to tell youngsters: ‘I don’t want you to commit fornication, because it is wrong.’ They need to be shown that it is their Creator, Almighty God, who says premarital sex is wrong. But even this often does not satisfy. Children also need to be helped to see why they should heed God’s prohibition of premarital sex, and how obeying his law will benefit them. For example, you might draw your youngster’s attention to the truly miraculous process of reproduction in which one fertilized cell divides and multiplies according to a prearranged plan to become a human baby, and ask: ‘Don’t you think that the One who designed this marvelous reproductive process knows best how humans should use their God-given powers of reproduction?’ (Ps. 139:13-17) Or you could ask: ‘Do you think that our grand Creator would make a law to rob us of enjoyment in life? Rather, wouldn’t obedience to his laws enhance our happiness?’ Such questions can start your child reasoning on God’s law governing the use of his reproductive organs. Welcome your child’s views. If they are not what you desire them to be, do not get angry. If a child is afraid of being severely criticized whenever he tells his parents something, he may simply keep quiet. Then how will you know what he is thinking, so that you can help him? So be open and honest. Perhaps you once had similar views or did the same things. It is sometimes helpful to admit this. Try to understand that your child’s generation has deviated a long way from the righteous principles in the Bible, and yet endeavor to show him why his generation’s immoral practices are unwise. Perhaps you can draw your child’s attention to specific examples (and there are many sad cases around us) of where sexual immorality has led to illegitimate births, venereal diseases or other troubles. Also, you might point out the benefits enjoyed by those who have conformed to God’s law. In this way the child is helped to see the reasonableness and correctness of what the Bible says. And he may be moved to want to obey it.
Guidelines and Discipline

21 Yet children need more than talk. They need definite guidelines to help them to conform to Bible requirements. Also, they need discipline administered in love when these guidelines are overstepped. Contrary to popular opinion, children generally appreciate it when their parents set reasonable restrictions on their activities. It gives them a sense of security to know that there are limits within which they are expected to remain. Some of them may complain, but they learn to respect and love parents who show genuine concern for their well-being. On the other hand, parents who allow their children freedom to do whatever they please are frequently disappointed and shocked. Their young ones may, in time, turn on them, as did one young girl. After finally confessing to being pregnant, she angrily said: “Why didn’t you stop me? You knew what was going on. You let me stay over there at Jimmy’s when his mother and father were away. You just didn’t care what I did.” Thus parents need to show that they care about their children by disciplining them when they step out of line. It is as the inspired Bible proverb says: “Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy; the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him.”—Prov. 22:15. Discipline may need to take the form of more than verbal correction. This is because, as the Bible says, often one is not “corrected by mere words, for he understands but he is paying no heed.” (Prov. 29:19) So, then, God’s Word encourages: “Do not hold back discipline from the mere boy. In case you beat him with the rod, he will not die. With the rod you yourself should beat him, that you may deliver his very soul from Sheol [the grave] itself.”—Prov. 23:13, 14. The very life of the child is at stake! If he is allowed to pursue a wrong course, it will lead to his own unhappiness and eventual death outside God’s favor. Thus the Bible says: “The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with discipline.”—Prov. 13:24. Yes, it shows real love on the part of a parent to do whatever he can to correct his child, including administering a good spanking. The rejection by worldly authorities of this counsel of God regarding discipline has led only to trouble in family life.—Prov. 29:15. However, talking to a child about God’s law, setting guidelines and providing discipline may all be ineffective if parents fail in another important respect.
Proper Example Vital

Parents also need to set a good example. This is because children are more inclined to follow what you do than what you say. And when there is a discrepancy between the two, young ones are quick to detect it. In fact, their open flouting of sexual morality is said to be a rebellion against hypocrisy. For, as psychiatrists point out: “So many adults they know practice adultery but indulge in sanctimonious preaching.” The same holds true in matters other than sexual behavior. For example, children also are rebelling against parents’ hypocrisy in connection with drugs. Dr. Robert E. Gould, as head of a psychiatric division at New York city’s Bellevue Hospital, explains: “Adolescents are emulating parents. There is not a home I know of where parents don’t either drink or smoke cigarettes, have barbiturates to go to sleep, tranquilizers to get through the day—not aspirin, but mood-changing drugs.”

22 So, if you want your children to live respectable, decent lives, then you yourself must live that way. If your example is not good, it can nullify all the good things you say.
Show that You Love Them

Perhaps the most important factor in handling problems with children successfully is that you show that you love them. And a principal way to do this is by spending time with them. Not just time when you talk with them about their conduct, or discipline them, but time when you really get to know each other. Time spent eating together, worshiping God together, playing together, getting ready for bed at night—all this time spent with your children is important. This is where many parents fail. Alan King, a prominent entertainer, who traveled a lot when his children were young, admitted he had failed. He observed: “The average father doesn’t lead my life, but it’s the same thing. He goes to work, comes home, says he doesn’t want to hear about the little problems because he’s had a tough day at the office, puts on the television and then goes to bed. He’s on the road, too! “I see successful men running companies with hundreds of men; they know how to deal with every situation, how to discipline and reward in the business world. But the biggest business they are running is their family and they fail it.” The reason why is that they have neglected God’s counsel. His Word says: “These words that I am commanding . . . you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deut. 6:6, 7) A parent must spend time with his child to do this. Also, a parent must first learn “these words” of instruction from God himself so that he can teach them to his children. Really, applying the counsel in God’s Word is the key to successful family living. But how can one learn what the Bible says about building a happy family life? Worldly authorities, including the religious leaders of Christendom, certainly do not have the answers. These have clearly abandoned God’s counsel and have influenced the majority of mankind to do likewise. Their teachings have contributed to the terrible breakdown in the family today. But there is help available for those who want it. God’s witnesses are devoted to helping people to learn the teachings of God’s Word. They provide this instruction free of charge to those who desire it. A qualified minister of God’s witnesses will be happy to consider with you further details as to what the Bible says on the subject of building a happy family life. To arrange for this, simply write the publishers of this magazine or contact God’s witnesses locally.

Let God Be in Your Marriage
“A threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two.”—Eccl. 4:12. THE need for God God to be in every undertaking of ours is stressed time and again in the Scriptures. Thus we read at Psalm 127:1: “Unless God himself builds the house, it is to no avail that its builders have worked hard on it. Unless God himself guards the city, it is to no avail that the guard has kept awake.” The long history of the nation of Israel bears out the truth of that principle. When Israel let God be in their affairs by giving him exclusive devotion, their efforts to protect themselves from their enemies were successful. But when they abandoned his pure

23 worship to follow other gods, their guards watched over their cities in vain. The same principle applies to our making a success of marriage.
THE GRACIOUS GIFT OF MARRIAGE

2 God’s Word tells us that he is the Giver of “every good gift and every perfect present.” (Jas. 1:17) Among such good gifts and perfect presents must be included the gracious gift, the blessing, of marriage. What a potential it has for bringing happiness! It truly is one of the greatest blessings the Creator has bestowed upon mankind. No wonder that when finally Eve was presented to Adam he exclaimed: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, because from man this one was taken”!—Gen. 2:23. Adam could rejoice over the blessing of a loving companion, someone of his own kind with whom he could converse, work, plan—she was his perfect complement! Additionally, the connubial joys that go with marriage are indeed an evidence of our Creator’s wisdom and love. Well did lawyer I. Linton point to the way God created man and woman as proof that man was not the product of a blind evolution. Linton wrote: “The kindness and infinite skill of the God who declared it was not good for a man to be a bachelor, in putting into man’s heart the love of woman and into woman’s heart the love of man, in making them mentally, physically and emotionally so alike as to be companionable and yet so unlike as to supplement and be intriguing to each other, has always stirred my gratitude and my admiration as an unequivocal evidence of creative design; and the peace and happiness growing out of the marital relation when God is in it has given some idea of the skilful power of God to bring happiness into being.” (A Lawyer Examines the Bible) Note, “when God is in it.” This can be true if we let God be in our marriage. This gift and blessing of marriage is also an evidence of God’s impartiality and of his justice. How so? In that these joys of marriage, when God is in it, do not depend upon such mundane things as material wealth, a higher education, great physical strength or beauty of form and feature. Neither are marital blessings limited to any race or nationality, nor are they dependent upon any climate. Whether couples live in the polar regions or in the tropics makes no difference.
LETTING GOD BE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Solomon wrote: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. . . . And a threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two.” (Eccl. 4:9, 12) A marriage can be likened to a cord tying a couple together and, when we let God be in it, it is truly a ‘threefold cord not easily torn in two.’ What does it mean to let God be in your marriage? Ostensibly, marriage partners are concerned with contributing to each other’s joys and pleasures, to satisfying each other’s needs. The husband is concerned with pleasing his wife and bringing her joy, comfort and security, and the wife is concerned with ministering to the needs of her husband and pleasing him the best she can, even as the apostle Paul notes. (1 Cor. 7:33, 34) To let God be in your marriage means to be concerned with measuring up to his requirements for married couples. Stated in brief, they are: “Wives, be in subjection to your husbands, as it is becoming in the Lord. You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.”— Col. 3:18, 19. More than that, to let God be in our marriage means for both mates to have a warm personal relationship with God God, never neglecting prayer together. Share with him your joys, sorrows, disappointments, trials. Be concerned with giving him as a Person pleasure and gladness of heart.

24 At Psalm 147:11 we read: “God is finding pleasure in those fearing him.” And God tells us at Proverbs 27:11 that by being wise we can make his heart glad. So we want to be concerned, not just with his requirements for us, but also with how he feels about the way we heed them. Letting God be in our marriage will immeasurably strengthen it and assure us of success and happiness. Yes, then it is “a threefold cord [that] cannot quickly be torn in two.”—Eccl. 4:12.
THE REQUIREMENT OF KINDNESS

Among the things that God requires of all his earthly creatures, and which has special meaning for marriage mates, is that they be kind to one another. God God himself sets the example for us, even as his Word assures us that “he is kind [even] toward the unthankful and wicked.” (Luke 6:35) In fact, over a hundred times we read in his Word of his “undeserved kindness,” and almost twice as often of his “loving-kindness.” To have this kindly God in our marriage we must heed the counsel at Colossians 3:12: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering.” How can we show kindness to our mates and thus let God be in our marriage? To be kind means to minister to the needs of another. It means to be thoughtful, considerate of each other’s well-being. Since, as a rule, we do not like to be alone, one of the most basic and simple ways in which we, as a married couple, can be kind to each other is by sharing our presence, our company. By just being together, we can build each other up, make each feel needed and appreciated. In one marriage that broke up after many years the wife was prone to take long vacations apart from her husband. Just being together is good, but better still is doing together as many things as possible. Do you read the Bible on a personal basis? Why not read it aloud to your spouse? Do you prepare for Christian meetings? To the extent practical, why not prepare the lessons together? Do you, the husband, have a part on the program? Why not rehearse it aloud with your wife playing the role of the audience? Sit together at meetings, as well as at other times. Share in the formal Christian preaching work together. All of these are further ways in which we can show kindness, strengthen our marriage and let God be in our marriage. It is also a kindness for marriage mates to talk to each other, letting each other know what is in the heart and mind. Yes, this means not just exchanging information or ideas but also sharing the way each one feels about things. Give thought to mentioning upbuilding things in your conversation, in keeping with the proverb: “The tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Prov. 12:18) A married couple not only is of one flesh, but also should be of one mind and heart, even as Jesus prayed that his followers might be one. (John 17:21) Communication is imperative for such oneness. In particular is it a kindness to talk things over when there have been misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Jesus stated a principle regarding human relations that couples often overlook or neglect to their harm. Do you feel that you have been treated unkindly or wronged in some way? Then in the spirit of Matthew 18:15 summon up the courage to bring the matter up at an opportune time, doing so in a kind and tactful way. You might even take a lesson from Queen Esther, who tactfully prepared her husband before presenting a weighty matter to him. (Esther 5:1-8; 7:1-10) Or, is the shoe on the other foot, so to speak, and does it seem that you have offended your loved one? Then do not ignore it, but humbly, kindly and tactfully bring the matter up in the spirit of Matthew 5:23, 24. Thus peace, harmony and happiness may be restored.

25 However, kindness includes not only talking, conversing with each other, but also respectfully listening. That means paying attention when the other mate speaks. Well has it been said that listening is an art. We want to listen not only to understand the meaning of the words but also to note the feeling with which they are said. More than that, to be good listeners we must take note of what is not said. Yes, husbands and wives should be good listeners. It is unkind to pay little attention when one’s mate is talking. True, at times there may be a little difficulty because the one speaking might more or less just be thinking out loud instead of really trying to communicate. If this seems to be a problem, then get into the habit of prefacing your remarks by some direct address, such as “Dearie,” “John,” “Mary.” Furthermore, one of the very best ways in which marriage partners can show mutual kindness is by heeding the apostolic injunction: “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) And in showing the mercy of forgiveness do not do so begrudgingly, but “he that shows mercy, let him do it with cheerfulness.” (Rom. 12:8) Doing so is letting God be in your marriage, for we read that he ‘forgives in a large way.’ (Isa. 55:7) If we are forgiving when our mate transgresses, it is easier to expect forgiveness when we ourselves transgress. Not without good reason has it been said that ‘a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.’
BEING HONEST WITH EACH OTHER Keys to a Successful Marriage

“Cheating just enough: that is the key to a successful romantic relationship,” states La Presse. The Canadian newspaper was reporting on a study that made a virtue of lying. The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Professor Tim Cole, of De Paul University, Chicago, U.S.A., says: “By cheating [or lying] just enough, we can preserve the benefits of [a romantic] relationship without putting it in jeopardy.” However, is deception really a key to a successful marriage? The Bible exhorts Christians: “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.” (Ephesians 4:25) Does this counsel work? When asked the question, What is the single biggest reason couples split up? a divorce attorney answered: “The inability to talk honestly with each other, bare their souls and treat each other as their best friend.” What, then, is the secret to a happy marriage? God’s Word shows that its great Author is also a just, a righteous, God. It says of God: “The Rock, perfect is his activity, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness, with whom there is no injustice; righteous and upright is he.” (Deut. 32:4) For us to let God be in our marriage we must also be just, honest with each other. Basically this means to go by the Golden Rule: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.”—Luke 6:31. Honesty involves many things. Obviously, it involves money matters, which may present a challenge to both husbands and wives. However, it involves far more important things, in particular sex interest. It is easy for a husband to let his desire go wandering, especially in view of all the temptations facing him daily, from both unrighteous persons and the unclean media. Just as God God requires exclusive devotion on the part of his servants—his “name is Jealous”— so husbands and wives have the right to exclusive devotion as to the sex interest of their mates, and they are obligated to demonstrate such themselves. (Ex. 34:14) Proverbs 5:15-20 has very

26 frank, forceful and pointed counsel for husbands in this regard. On the other hand, wives need to be careful to heed Paul’s counsel at 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and not use the marital due as a pawn to get what they want in the way of clothes, and so forth.
UNSELFISH LOVE—“A·GA´PE”

God God is the personification of principled love, of unselfishness, a·ga´pe in Greek. That is why we read that “God is love.” So to let God be in our marriage there is the need to have not only the love based on natural attraction, sex interest (e´ros), and the affection based on kinship of mind and spirit (phi·li´a), but also the unselfish principled kind of love. This love will keep a marriage together, even if the other two kinds of love diminish.—1 John 4:8. The apostle Paul at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 gives a fine description of how this love manifests itself: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” In view of those words of Paul, we cannot escape the conclusion that to be a good Christian means to be a good marriage mate. Conversely, to fail in marriage reflects unfavorably on one’s being a Christian. Problems in marriage are to be viewed as challenges to cultivate the fruits of the spirit, chief of which is love. (Gal. 5:22, 23) And remember, “LOVE NEVER FAILS”! What does principled, unselfish love require of a wife? It requires that she recognize her husband as her head. (Eph. 5:22-24) This may not always be an easy thing to do, but love will help her; it will make it easier to put her husband’s interests ahead of her own. For example, there are loving wives who, knowing that their husbands must follow a certain diet, simply do not prepare any dishes that their husbands cannot share with them. They know that doing so actually works no hardship on their own selves, in fact, might even be better for them. What does unselfish love require of a husband? It requires that he heed the counsel: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it. In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies.” (Eph. 5:25, 28) What a great deal this asks of a husband! Just as he takes good care of his own body as to food, clothing, shelter, rest, recreation and spiritual interests, just so he should care for his wife. As he would not want to embarrass himself before others, neither should he embarrass his wife before others. Loving her as his own body would include dwelling with her according to knowledge, being kind and considerate as to the more intimate aspects of marriage. Never should it be that he could be charged with having violated his wife.—1 Pet. 3:7. What opportunities for happiness there are in the marital state! Jesus said “there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving,” and this principle also applies to married persons. (Acts 20:35) How many opportunities for giving husbands and wives have, giving of themselves, their time, their attention, their thoughts, their feelings, giving material things! And in their relationship also the principle applies: “He that sows sparingly will also reap sparingly; and he that sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” Heed all such counsel and you will let God be in your marriage.—2 Cor. 9:6. Yet time and again even professedly dedicated married Christians come short in these respects.

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Crisis Strategies Every marriage will go through times of crisis. Some marriages will be strengthened by a crisis, others will be destroyed. Some tough times come from the big turning points in our lives such as a death in the family, loss of a job, serious illness, natural disaster, or a child in trouble with the law. However, most of the difficult periods a marriage faces are less traumatic. The crisis of the moment can be a sick child and your child care facility won’t let them stay there, or one of your cars breaks down, or a backed up toilet turns into a major plumbing problem. What to do? Have a plan for such times... eating what ever is left in the freezer instead of planning a meal, letting the answering machine take your calls, asking for help from family and friends. Don’t blame one another for the situation. Look for the lighter side of life. Watch a funny movie together. Laugh a little. Hug one another, hold one another, snuggle, and be intimate. Don’t worry about keeping the house clean. Lower your expectations of one another a bit. Compliment one another. Find something positive in each day. Remind yourselves that this crisis isn’t going to last forever.