January 2011
Content
ais Press U
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UAIS PRESS
Riding solo
By: Leanne Pregizer and megan schram
There is a new law in the state of Michigan giving teenagers mixed emotions, and parents a sigh of relief. Well, that is unless your parents are trying to get rid of you. IB kids can be a handful! In December, the State Senate passed the law that applies to any teenager under the age of 17. This year teens will not be able to drive between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. unless they are heading to or from work. This is a whole two hours earlier than the previous law. This means no more being out after that normal 12 A.M. curfew. Yes, it sucks. As for passengers, teen drivers will not be allowed to have more than one non-family member under the age of 21 riding in the car with them at a time. Before you all storm off and write letters to your senators, there are a few exceptions. Teenagers can drive more than one friend if a parent, guardian, or adult over 21 is in the car or if the teens are headed to work, school or a school event. All of these new rules come into effect on March 29th of this year. Last year mixed emotions with the general teenage population. Junior Christopher Stark says, ―I think it is good for helping kids who aren’t as responsible, but parents should be able to make rules for their own children.‖ New driver Lauren Morawski believes, ―Most students drive safely to begin with, and can recognize their limits. I understand that not everyone is as cautious as the state would like, but it isn’t fair to those who are responsible and can handle more than one passenger.‖ As for me, I understand what the law is trying to accomplish, but a 10 o’clock curfew sounds too extreme. I’m pretty sure my grandma stays up later than that. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but the fact is this law will be put into effect whether we like it or not. We should all have an MTV show of our deteriorating teenage lives so lets not treat this law like it’s the end of the world.
alone, over 100 Michigan teens died in traffic related accidents. Supporters of this law hope to reduce this number and keep the roads safe for everyone. This new law has stirred
I t ’ s t h e e n d o f t h e wo r l d a s w e k n ow i t
By: Joseph Schroder
―And I feel fine,‖ in the words of R.E.M. A new year brings with it new prospects of demise. It seems as long as there has been a world there have been those predicting its end. The valuing of life and our time here on this earth is a noble mood and understandable. But an obsessive anxiety over the end of the world is- let’s face it – unhealthy. To make light of our often despairing mood here are some end of the world predictions that have come and gone providing us with some vague hope for the future. The events linked with the years below are not mentioned but the sheer number of predicted dates will serve the purpose. In fact let’s pretend to add some challenge in this. Let’s limit ourselves to dates within the last hundred years. 1910, 1914, 1919, 1925, 1936, 1940, 1953, 1957, 1959, 1960, 1973, 1975, 1980, 1982, 1986, 1988, 1994, 1997, and 2000 Of course the survey of the new year wouldn’t be complete without a look forward. Remember we still have: 2012 - When the Mayan Calendar ends. Consequently because the calendar ends so does the world. Probably explains why I experience a sudden terror every time I see December until I turn the page and realize there is another January behind it. 2060 – As all the physics students will tell you, this is the date Isaac Newton predicted the world will end based on his studies of the Bible. Who knows? He gave us calculus. His math may be good. About 5 billion years later - Take in the Sun as it expands into a Red Giant and fries every living organism to a light brown crunchy crisp. 100 trillion years or so later- The heat death of the universe is what it has been called. Call up your lazy relatives because work is predicted to be impossible as the universe’s entropy reaches thermal equilibrium throughout. Break time. While all the predictions provide one with an engrossing hobby, let’s remember a key fact. We’re not dead yet. A full appreciation of life must take into account death. It has to know its limits. Just as a portrait has a frame to center its beauty. But let’s not waste all our time staring at the frame. Let’s enjoy this weird and fantastic experience we find ourselves in and live a little. After all, that’s what life is for, right?
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 4
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A n d t h e m a s c ot s a r e . . .
By: Zachary wyrzykowski
As I pushed my way through the daily backpackto-backpack jam a few days ago, I noticed some familiar UAIS Phoenix shirts. Then a thought struck me: what are the other classes’ mascots? I then proceeded to find out that our grand ―Mascot for Each Class‖ idea died immediately after the freshman year of the 2012 class. Therefore, I think it only fair that the other classes get mascots too. The sophomores get to be represented by the White Rabbit, since they’re nice most of the time, but I wouldn’t be all that sad if they all disappeared into a hat. The freshmen have achieved the honor of being represented by the Orange Construction Barrel. They slow everyone down, appear in inconvenient places, and if you see large groups of them, it’d probably be wise to take a detour.
Freshmen: Join Newspaper!! Defend yourselves, or these jokes will continue...
I S h a l l n ow ta k e yo u r qu e s t i o n s
By: Nicola Fiorvento
As Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist At Large for UAIS Press, a lot of people have written to me over the months. Now, granted, more than a fair share of these notes have been insults, but there have still been some good ones! Q: Tell me about your title. A: That isn’t a question. Q: What’s the story behind your title? A: That’s better. I am the Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist at Large. Q: Do you mean ―at Large‖ as in your work may not necessarily go with the theme? A: No, I mean ―at Large‖ because I have escaped from the place where there is no darkness, and The Editor will never find me. Q: Okaaaayyy…. Moving on, what do A: Not in the foreseeable future. Johnny you think of the Editor? Karvan, the only member is still recovering A: He may take the swear words out from that time I made him eat his album, but I think that it can only improve his muof my columns, but He will never sic. take my freedom! Q: You just made a few copyrighted references. Are you worried about lawyers coming after you? Q: Wait, that really happened? I thought you were just joking around! A: Why would I be joking? This is a humor column, for crying out loud! Q: What do you really think of The Editor?
A: I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time! The Editor is- WONDERFUL. WORSHIP THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR IS YOUR A: How are FRIEND. HE IS KNOWLEGEABLE. HE IS they going to CARING. HE IS ALL OF THE OTHER IB find me? LEARNER PROFILE QUALITIES. WORSHIP Q: Good THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR LOVES YOU. point. Say, BUT HE ALSO REQUIRES SACRIFIC- wait, where can I what just happened? Why am I covered in buy Spiderman Pharmacy? bloo- A SEVEN ON ALL IB EXAMS IS THE A: Give me thirty dollars and I might REWARD FOR HE WHO CAN BRING ME THE LIVER OF THE ONE CALLED NICOLA. tell you where. THE HIVE MIND MUST MOBLIZE FOR THE Q: Will there be any more PSB album EDITOR AND FOR IB. THAT IS ALL.. reviews?
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UAIS PRESS
S h o b i ’ s S u p e r b ow l p r e d i c t i o n
By: Shobi Mathew
The NFL playoffs are underway! All teams are fighting for a spot in the Super Bowl and the underdogs are hungry to secure their spot for the event all Americans love to watch. The Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks have been teams rarely mentioned in major news headlines, while the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots are brought up daily and play exceptionally well just as they have done over the past decade. heart offensive skill they deposit into their games. The two teams have only lost a total of five regular season games! In comparison, the Detroit Lions did not even have five wins in the 2008 and 2009 year combined! In contrast, through much pondering and thinking, I believe the two teams that will drive their success into the Super Bowl are the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers. Hopefully, the Lions will be in this article when I write another one for next year. (Key word: Hopefully) Final Score: Pittsburgh Steelers: 27 Green Bay Packers: 21
Also, the unforgettable team, the New England Patriots, are astounding as usual and do not plan on going down The Packers have a young team that is without playready to rise up and receive the pressure ing their for taking home the Vince Lombardi tro- startling style of football. On the other hand, phy, while the Steelers are already comrealistically speaking through stats, the Green prised of veteran players that work hard Bay Packers and the New England Patriots in order to gain win after win. The Seat- have the highest percentage chance to make tle Seahawks, not as inexperienced as the it into the Super Bowl. Packers, still have a desire to win with the
L o s i n g L i o n s l o n g Roa d
By: Michael Snider
What is the smallest room at Ford Field? The trophy room. Sad, but true the Detroit Lions have never even been to a Super Bowl in their 74 years in the NFL and are one of only five teams that can say that. Call them what you will, but the Detroit Lions just had their best season in the last three seasons with an overall season record of 6 wins and 10 losses. This surprising change in events could be due to a good coach’s 2nd season with the Lions, or it could be due to the fact that the Lions have almost a completely new roster compared to last year. Second year coach Jim Schwartz might be the miracle worker the Lions have been searching for, turning the Lions less than stunning record of zero and sixteen just two years ago into a six and ten record in his second year. Detroit Lions coaches have been notorious for being fired in their third year of coaching with the Lions; however, with such a dramatic turnaround I find it hard to believe that even the infamous owners of the Lions could have the stupidity to fire a coach that improves your teams win total by six games in just two seasons. Part of Schwartz’s master plan to help turn the Lions around seems to be the more new players the better. With a drastic change in the roster and with the key second overall draft acquisition of defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh the Lions have sprung to new life on both sides of the football. With last year’s first overall draft pick of Matthew Stafford and the key pick of Calvin Johnson just two years ago one has to wonder if the young team could potentially make a break for the playoffs in the next two seasons with their first time not finishing last in the division in the last three years of play. With an uplifting coach and almost a completely new roster the Detroit Lions look to have a promising season next year with the 13th overall draft pick, and based on their twelve rookies this season, it seems like the more people that have no recollection of the past Lions, the better. Only time will tell if the Lion jokes will come to a halt, or continue for decades to come.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 4
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Jokes
The student body asked for them and here they are. The cheesiest jokes you’ll ever dip your tortilla chips into. Yum! What's red and has wheels? A tomato on a roller skate. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Did you hear about Santa’s elves? They are all just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he needs to give it a good twist What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families. What’s a Fobia? A fear of misspelled words. What comes before Part B? Part-Ayyy!!
4 x 4 = 1 2 b y D e a d M au 5
By: Eric Krysinski
Deadmau5's latest offering features nothing you haven't come to expect from the legendary Canadian. From the simple house beats of Cthulu Sleeps to the soft melody of Raise Your Weapon to the round but firm attack of Animal Rights, this album hits every sweet spot you could ever want filled by an electronic album. The album’s title is an allusion to the artists’ Facebook page where a recurring theme is ―even your best isn’t good enough.‖ drops, there's not a dry eye in the room. The song epitomizes awesome, and isn't to be missed for the world. Sofi Needs a Ladder- 3/5 Vocals are skillful but not very musical. It doesn't have the strong bass-line he's famous for, and it is harder to dance to. A City in Florida- 5/5
★★★★☆
Great song; simple beat. Pretty much what deadmau5 does best. Only problem is length: it should be shortened. (also, the donk is rather cheesy) Right This Second- 3.5/5 This song is decent, but it has a problem. That problem is split personality disorder. The first quarter of the song is a different song entirely, and could be made into a good song with a little polishing. The two do compliment each other, however, so it's still good. Raise Your Weapon- 4/5 It’s probably his better slow song for the first 4 minutes, but it then breaks into some sick, dirty dubsteb. Heavy wobble carries it out, and carries it in style. Deadmau5 has mastered dubsteb too. who knew? One Trick Pony- 3/5 After listening to an album, I love the dubstep. That is one trick pony, but I hate the vocals. One or two songs with SOFI is enough for me. Rated low because of SOFI. Everything Before- 3/5 This song sounded fine, but didn't strike me as anything epic or new. it was really just more of the same, and relatively boring. I was able to miss the last half and not even realize it until it was two songs later.
Very solid bass-line—that is his trademark. A fuzzy distorted sound makes the Deadmau5 has decidedly stepped it up piece very dirty, but in this offering, and even branched out in danceable, and listenable. some new ways, such as working with "SOFI", Chris Lake, Wolfgang Gartner and Bad Selection- 2/5 Greta Bech, and has even decided to try Slow start; has interesting his hand at dub and bass, the mix of vocal track with nice drum and bass and dub step. Anyone builds and flows, but isn't who likes electronic music that can be very danceable, despite a listened to will love this album, but those heavy bass-line. It’s still who are looking for an album to pop into pleasant to the ears, and the CD player and rave to may be disap- isn't super dirty. pointed by the songs that aren't meant for dancing. All in all, this album receives Animal Rights- 5/5 4 stars. The following has my thoughts on each individual track as I listened to it, don’t mind the absolute lack of grammar and punctuation, everyone knows that good music requires every single part of your body to be paying attention. :D Some Chords- 5/5 An expertly crafted song. It starts off simple and repetitive, but when the bass It has a very bouncy, light hearted feel, is very smooth, and is a nice break in the album to do some dancing and feel villainous I Said- 1/5 I didn't like this one really at all. It feels too heavy and overdone. The bass is too filtered, and could stand to lose the vocal portion. Basically the worst song on the album so far. Cthulhu Sleeps- 4.5/5
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NEWSLETTER TITLE
B l ac k s wa n s a n d wo r m h o l e w i z a r d s b y J o e S at r i a n i By: Kevin teller ★★★★☆
Joe Satriani’s latest release, Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards, came out on October 5, 2010 as the guitarist’s fourteenth studio album. As Guitar World Magazine’s Shredder of the Year, it disappoints many fans to hear Professor Satchafunkilus playing as many slow, melodic tracks as he does on the new album. I’m certain that not too many people were thrilled about the excessive keyboard playing and solos by Joe’s keyboard player either. These can be found in tracks such as Dream Song and Wind In the Trees. I personally felt like I had been cheated out of some good, classic Satch-time. After all, it is a Joe Satriani album, not Mike Keneally. Although, I’m not trying to say that the album is void of some great rock jams in the style that people love listening to him for. There are some good ones like Premonition, which, being the first track one may hear after the guitarist’s work in the super-group Chickenfoot, is certainly a breath of fresh air because it’s out of the party-rock style he had previously collaborated on. Paying homage to his predecessors in the rock community, like Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix, Satriani wrote some heavy blues-oriented pieces too like parts of Pyrrhic Victoria and God Is
Crying. The Professor also incorporates classical Indian instruments into the song The Golden Room as an unexpected, creative twist, as opposed to just doing the same boring thing that many older artists do in their current efforts. As far as a rating for this work, I’d say that it sounds like four stars out of five because of the phenomenal creativity that this fifty-four-year-old has after so many years in the business. True, the keyboard could stand to back off, and it doesn’t feature anything mind-boggling, but for the amount of technical skill presented here, he deserves it.
All American Nightmare by Hinder
By: Christopher Stark
Generally, if you liked Hinder before, you’ll like this album. They stick with their formula of mainstream rock with their typical rockstar-party-time lyrics. Classic rock fans may enjoy references to bands like AC/DC, Guns N’ Roses and Bob Seger in the song ―Put That Record On‖. All American Nightmare delivers a fair balance of driving rock and heavy ballads, while always giving a chorus meant to get people singing along. Austin Winkler’s voice is noticeably better than previous albums, but not much else changes for the instrumentalists. It appears that Hinder looked to appeal to their old fans and not try to win over any new listeners. All American Nightmare earns 4 stars for keeping up their work but not adding many new ideas to the mix.
★★★★☆
So…
The Music team on UAIS Press is thinking about changing their style. Maybe grade rankings instead of those stars? What do you think? Give us some feedback about the newspaper @ [email protected]. You’re on the computer anyhow! Give it a try and help make the UAIS Press even more aweSome… if that’S poSSible.
A look into UAIS Bands
Interviewed by: Christopher Stark & Kevin Teller
Band Name: Apocalypse Party Genre: Hard Rock/Progressive Members: Kevin Teller and Chris Stark Influences: Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Attack Attack!, Nine Inch Nails, and Rush Do you have any completed original material? Yes, very much If so, are there any underlying themes you mean to communicate to the listener? Repent and love God What is a song that you regularly play? Breaking the Law by Judas Priest Do you have anything recorded? No but we’re operating off of our own independent label and have some studio time booked for December. If so, is there a title, and where can people get a copy? Whatever we call it, people will be able to get a copy from either Chris Stark or Kevin Teller. How long has the band been together? Around ten months or so How did the band form? Kevin Teller and Kyle Schemmel had been jamming together for a long time, and after playing last year’s Halloween Party with Chris Stark, formed the current embodiment of Apocalypse Party. Is the band playing any upcoming shows? No, we’re focusing more on getting something recorded right now. Where are some spots that the band has played? Heritage Junior High, Kevin’s Basement, and Shepherd’s Gate Lutheran Church What is the current status/goal of the band? First off record, and then possibly looking for a more permanent drummer with a decent amount of time commitment, so if you are a competent drummer and would be interested, talk to either Chris or Kevin or contact us through our Facebook page or our Myspace: http://myspace.com/apocalypsepartyband
Brought to you by The Uais press Newspaper Club:
Juana gasso Megan penzkofer Salwa choudhury Eric Krysinski Joseph Schroder sana chishti Chris stark Shobi mathew Michael Snider Leanne pregizer Chelsea pridmore Zachary wyrzyKowski
Adam Maksymetz Kevin teller Nicola Fiorvento Megan Schram
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UAIS PRESS
Riding solo
By: Leanne Pregizer and megan schram
There is a new law in the state of Michigan giving teenagers mixed emotions, and parents a sigh of relief. Well, that is unless your parents are trying to get rid of you. IB kids can be a handful! In December, the State Senate passed the law that applies to any teenager under the age of 17. This year teens will not be able to drive between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. unless they are heading to or from work. This is a whole two hours earlier than the previous law. This means no more being out after that normal 12 A.M. curfew. Yes, it sucks. As for passengers, teen drivers will not be allowed to have more than one non-family member under the age of 21 riding in the car with them at a time. Before you all storm off and write letters to your senators, there are a few exceptions. Teenagers can drive more than one friend if a parent, guardian, or adult over 21 is in the car or if the teens are headed to work, school or a school event. All of these new rules come into effect on March 29th of this year. Last year mixed emotions with the general teenage population. Junior Christopher Stark says, ―I think it is good for helping kids who aren’t as responsible, but parents should be able to make rules for their own children.‖ New driver Lauren Morawski believes, ―Most students drive safely to begin with, and can recognize their limits. I understand that not everyone is as cautious as the state would like, but it isn’t fair to those who are responsible and can handle more than one passenger.‖ As for me, I understand what the law is trying to accomplish, but a 10 o’clock curfew sounds too extreme. I’m pretty sure my grandma stays up later than that. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but the fact is this law will be put into effect whether we like it or not. We should all have an MTV show of our deteriorating teenage lives so lets not treat this law like it’s the end of the world.
alone, over 100 Michigan teens died in traffic related accidents. Supporters of this law hope to reduce this number and keep the roads safe for everyone. This new law has stirred
I t ’ s t h e e n d o f t h e wo r l d a s w e k n ow i t
By: Joseph Schroder
―And I feel fine,‖ in the words of R.E.M. A new year brings with it new prospects of demise. It seems as long as there has been a world there have been those predicting its end. The valuing of life and our time here on this earth is a noble mood and understandable. But an obsessive anxiety over the end of the world is- let’s face it – unhealthy. To make light of our often despairing mood here are some end of the world predictions that have come and gone providing us with some vague hope for the future. The events linked with the years below are not mentioned but the sheer number of predicted dates will serve the purpose. In fact let’s pretend to add some challenge in this. Let’s limit ourselves to dates within the last hundred years. 1910, 1914, 1919, 1925, 1936, 1940, 1953, 1957, 1959, 1960, 1973, 1975, 1980, 1982, 1986, 1988, 1994, 1997, and 2000 Of course the survey of the new year wouldn’t be complete without a look forward. Remember we still have: 2012 - When the Mayan Calendar ends. Consequently because the calendar ends so does the world. Probably explains why I experience a sudden terror every time I see December until I turn the page and realize there is another January behind it. 2060 – As all the physics students will tell you, this is the date Isaac Newton predicted the world will end based on his studies of the Bible. Who knows? He gave us calculus. His math may be good. About 5 billion years later - Take in the Sun as it expands into a Red Giant and fries every living organism to a light brown crunchy crisp. 100 trillion years or so later- The heat death of the universe is what it has been called. Call up your lazy relatives because work is predicted to be impossible as the universe’s entropy reaches thermal equilibrium throughout. Break time. While all the predictions provide one with an engrossing hobby, let’s remember a key fact. We’re not dead yet. A full appreciation of life must take into account death. It has to know its limits. Just as a portrait has a frame to center its beauty. But let’s not waste all our time staring at the frame. Let’s enjoy this weird and fantastic experience we find ourselves in and live a little. After all, that’s what life is for, right?
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 4
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A n d t h e m a s c ot s a r e . . .
By: Zachary wyrzykowski
As I pushed my way through the daily backpackto-backpack jam a few days ago, I noticed some familiar UAIS Phoenix shirts. Then a thought struck me: what are the other classes’ mascots? I then proceeded to find out that our grand ―Mascot for Each Class‖ idea died immediately after the freshman year of the 2012 class. Therefore, I think it only fair that the other classes get mascots too. The sophomores get to be represented by the White Rabbit, since they’re nice most of the time, but I wouldn’t be all that sad if they all disappeared into a hat. The freshmen have achieved the honor of being represented by the Orange Construction Barrel. They slow everyone down, appear in inconvenient places, and if you see large groups of them, it’d probably be wise to take a detour.
Freshmen: Join Newspaper!! Defend yourselves, or these jokes will continue...
I S h a l l n ow ta k e yo u r qu e s t i o n s
By: Nicola Fiorvento
As Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist At Large for UAIS Press, a lot of people have written to me over the months. Now, granted, more than a fair share of these notes have been insults, but there have still been some good ones! Q: Tell me about your title. A: That isn’t a question. Q: What’s the story behind your title? A: That’s better. I am the Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist at Large. Q: Do you mean ―at Large‖ as in your work may not necessarily go with the theme? A: No, I mean ―at Large‖ because I have escaped from the place where there is no darkness, and The Editor will never find me. Q: Okaaaayyy…. Moving on, what do A: Not in the foreseeable future. Johnny you think of the Editor? Karvan, the only member is still recovering A: He may take the swear words out from that time I made him eat his album, but I think that it can only improve his muof my columns, but He will never sic. take my freedom! Q: You just made a few copyrighted references. Are you worried about lawyers coming after you? Q: Wait, that really happened? I thought you were just joking around! A: Why would I be joking? This is a humor column, for crying out loud! Q: What do you really think of The Editor?
A: I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time! The Editor is- WONDERFUL. WORSHIP THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR IS YOUR A: How are FRIEND. HE IS KNOWLEGEABLE. HE IS they going to CARING. HE IS ALL OF THE OTHER IB find me? LEARNER PROFILE QUALITIES. WORSHIP Q: Good THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR LOVES YOU. point. Say, BUT HE ALSO REQUIRES SACRIFIC- wait, where can I what just happened? Why am I covered in buy Spiderman Pharmacy? bloo- A SEVEN ON ALL IB EXAMS IS THE A: Give me thirty dollars and I might REWARD FOR HE WHO CAN BRING ME THE LIVER OF THE ONE CALLED NICOLA. tell you where. THE HIVE MIND MUST MOBLIZE FOR THE Q: Will there be any more PSB album EDITOR AND FOR IB. THAT IS ALL.. reviews?
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UAIS PRESS
S h o b i ’ s S u p e r b ow l p r e d i c t i o n
By: Shobi Mathew
The NFL playoffs are underway! All teams are fighting for a spot in the Super Bowl and the underdogs are hungry to secure their spot for the event all Americans love to watch. The Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks have been teams rarely mentioned in major news headlines, while the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots are brought up daily and play exceptionally well just as they have done over the past decade. heart offensive skill they deposit into their games. The two teams have only lost a total of five regular season games! In comparison, the Detroit Lions did not even have five wins in the 2008 and 2009 year combined! In contrast, through much pondering and thinking, I believe the two teams that will drive their success into the Super Bowl are the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers. Hopefully, the Lions will be in this article when I write another one for next year. (Key word: Hopefully) Final Score: Pittsburgh Steelers: 27 Green Bay Packers: 21
Also, the unforgettable team, the New England Patriots, are astounding as usual and do not plan on going down The Packers have a young team that is without playready to rise up and receive the pressure ing their for taking home the Vince Lombardi tro- startling style of football. On the other hand, phy, while the Steelers are already comrealistically speaking through stats, the Green prised of veteran players that work hard Bay Packers and the New England Patriots in order to gain win after win. The Seat- have the highest percentage chance to make tle Seahawks, not as inexperienced as the it into the Super Bowl. Packers, still have a desire to win with the
L o s i n g L i o n s l o n g Roa d
By: Michael Snider
What is the smallest room at Ford Field? The trophy room. Sad, but true the Detroit Lions have never even been to a Super Bowl in their 74 years in the NFL and are one of only five teams that can say that. Call them what you will, but the Detroit Lions just had their best season in the last three seasons with an overall season record of 6 wins and 10 losses. This surprising change in events could be due to a good coach’s 2nd season with the Lions, or it could be due to the fact that the Lions have almost a completely new roster compared to last year. Second year coach Jim Schwartz might be the miracle worker the Lions have been searching for, turning the Lions less than stunning record of zero and sixteen just two years ago into a six and ten record in his second year. Detroit Lions coaches have been notorious for being fired in their third year of coaching with the Lions; however, with such a dramatic turnaround I find it hard to believe that even the infamous owners of the Lions could have the stupidity to fire a coach that improves your teams win total by six games in just two seasons. Part of Schwartz’s master plan to help turn the Lions around seems to be the more new players the better. With a drastic change in the roster and with the key second overall draft acquisition of defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh the Lions have sprung to new life on both sides of the football. With last year’s first overall draft pick of Matthew Stafford and the key pick of Calvin Johnson just two years ago one has to wonder if the young team could potentially make a break for the playoffs in the next two seasons with their first time not finishing last in the division in the last three years of play. With an uplifting coach and almost a completely new roster the Detroit Lions look to have a promising season next year with the 13th overall draft pick, and based on their twelve rookies this season, it seems like the more people that have no recollection of the past Lions, the better. Only time will tell if the Lion jokes will come to a halt, or continue for decades to come.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 4
PAGE 5
Jokes
The student body asked for them and here they are. The cheesiest jokes you’ll ever dip your tortilla chips into. Yum! What's red and has wheels? A tomato on a roller skate. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Did you hear about Santa’s elves? They are all just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he needs to give it a good twist What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families. What’s a Fobia? A fear of misspelled words. What comes before Part B? Part-Ayyy!!
4 x 4 = 1 2 b y D e a d M au 5
By: Eric Krysinski
Deadmau5's latest offering features nothing you haven't come to expect from the legendary Canadian. From the simple house beats of Cthulu Sleeps to the soft melody of Raise Your Weapon to the round but firm attack of Animal Rights, this album hits every sweet spot you could ever want filled by an electronic album. The album’s title is an allusion to the artists’ Facebook page where a recurring theme is ―even your best isn’t good enough.‖ drops, there's not a dry eye in the room. The song epitomizes awesome, and isn't to be missed for the world. Sofi Needs a Ladder- 3/5 Vocals are skillful but not very musical. It doesn't have the strong bass-line he's famous for, and it is harder to dance to. A City in Florida- 5/5
★★★★☆
Great song; simple beat. Pretty much what deadmau5 does best. Only problem is length: it should be shortened. (also, the donk is rather cheesy) Right This Second- 3.5/5 This song is decent, but it has a problem. That problem is split personality disorder. The first quarter of the song is a different song entirely, and could be made into a good song with a little polishing. The two do compliment each other, however, so it's still good. Raise Your Weapon- 4/5 It’s probably his better slow song for the first 4 minutes, but it then breaks into some sick, dirty dubsteb. Heavy wobble carries it out, and carries it in style. Deadmau5 has mastered dubsteb too. who knew? One Trick Pony- 3/5 After listening to an album, I love the dubstep. That is one trick pony, but I hate the vocals. One or two songs with SOFI is enough for me. Rated low because of SOFI. Everything Before- 3/5 This song sounded fine, but didn't strike me as anything epic or new. it was really just more of the same, and relatively boring. I was able to miss the last half and not even realize it until it was two songs later.
Very solid bass-line—that is his trademark. A fuzzy distorted sound makes the Deadmau5 has decidedly stepped it up piece very dirty, but in this offering, and even branched out in danceable, and listenable. some new ways, such as working with "SOFI", Chris Lake, Wolfgang Gartner and Bad Selection- 2/5 Greta Bech, and has even decided to try Slow start; has interesting his hand at dub and bass, the mix of vocal track with nice drum and bass and dub step. Anyone builds and flows, but isn't who likes electronic music that can be very danceable, despite a listened to will love this album, but those heavy bass-line. It’s still who are looking for an album to pop into pleasant to the ears, and the CD player and rave to may be disap- isn't super dirty. pointed by the songs that aren't meant for dancing. All in all, this album receives Animal Rights- 5/5 4 stars. The following has my thoughts on each individual track as I listened to it, don’t mind the absolute lack of grammar and punctuation, everyone knows that good music requires every single part of your body to be paying attention. :D Some Chords- 5/5 An expertly crafted song. It starts off simple and repetitive, but when the bass It has a very bouncy, light hearted feel, is very smooth, and is a nice break in the album to do some dancing and feel villainous I Said- 1/5 I didn't like this one really at all. It feels too heavy and overdone. The bass is too filtered, and could stand to lose the vocal portion. Basically the worst song on the album so far. Cthulhu Sleeps- 4.5/5
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NEWSLETTER TITLE
B l ac k s wa n s a n d wo r m h o l e w i z a r d s b y J o e S at r i a n i By: Kevin teller ★★★★☆
Joe Satriani’s latest release, Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards, came out on October 5, 2010 as the guitarist’s fourteenth studio album. As Guitar World Magazine’s Shredder of the Year, it disappoints many fans to hear Professor Satchafunkilus playing as many slow, melodic tracks as he does on the new album. I’m certain that not too many people were thrilled about the excessive keyboard playing and solos by Joe’s keyboard player either. These can be found in tracks such as Dream Song and Wind In the Trees. I personally felt like I had been cheated out of some good, classic Satch-time. After all, it is a Joe Satriani album, not Mike Keneally. Although, I’m not trying to say that the album is void of some great rock jams in the style that people love listening to him for. There are some good ones like Premonition, which, being the first track one may hear after the guitarist’s work in the super-group Chickenfoot, is certainly a breath of fresh air because it’s out of the party-rock style he had previously collaborated on. Paying homage to his predecessors in the rock community, like Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix, Satriani wrote some heavy blues-oriented pieces too like parts of Pyrrhic Victoria and God Is
Crying. The Professor also incorporates classical Indian instruments into the song The Golden Room as an unexpected, creative twist, as opposed to just doing the same boring thing that many older artists do in their current efforts. As far as a rating for this work, I’d say that it sounds like four stars out of five because of the phenomenal creativity that this fifty-four-year-old has after so many years in the business. True, the keyboard could stand to back off, and it doesn’t feature anything mind-boggling, but for the amount of technical skill presented here, he deserves it.
All American Nightmare by Hinder
By: Christopher Stark
Generally, if you liked Hinder before, you’ll like this album. They stick with their formula of mainstream rock with their typical rockstar-party-time lyrics. Classic rock fans may enjoy references to bands like AC/DC, Guns N’ Roses and Bob Seger in the song ―Put That Record On‖. All American Nightmare delivers a fair balance of driving rock and heavy ballads, while always giving a chorus meant to get people singing along. Austin Winkler’s voice is noticeably better than previous albums, but not much else changes for the instrumentalists. It appears that Hinder looked to appeal to their old fans and not try to win over any new listeners. All American Nightmare earns 4 stars for keeping up their work but not adding many new ideas to the mix.
★★★★☆
So…
The Music team on UAIS Press is thinking about changing their style. Maybe grade rankings instead of those stars? What do you think? Give us some feedback about the newspaper @ [email protected]. You’re on the computer anyhow! Give it a try and help make the UAIS Press even more aweSome… if that’S poSSible.
A look into UAIS Bands
Interviewed by: Christopher Stark & Kevin Teller
Band Name: Apocalypse Party Genre: Hard Rock/Progressive Members: Kevin Teller and Chris Stark Influences: Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Attack Attack!, Nine Inch Nails, and Rush Do you have any completed original material? Yes, very much If so, are there any underlying themes you mean to communicate to the listener? Repent and love God What is a song that you regularly play? Breaking the Law by Judas Priest Do you have anything recorded? No but we’re operating off of our own independent label and have some studio time booked for December. If so, is there a title, and where can people get a copy? Whatever we call it, people will be able to get a copy from either Chris Stark or Kevin Teller. How long has the band been together? Around ten months or so How did the band form? Kevin Teller and Kyle Schemmel had been jamming together for a long time, and after playing last year’s Halloween Party with Chris Stark, formed the current embodiment of Apocalypse Party. Is the band playing any upcoming shows? No, we’re focusing more on getting something recorded right now. Where are some spots that the band has played? Heritage Junior High, Kevin’s Basement, and Shepherd’s Gate Lutheran Church What is the current status/goal of the band? First off record, and then possibly looking for a more permanent drummer with a decent amount of time commitment, so if you are a competent drummer and would be interested, talk to either Chris or Kevin or contact us through our Facebook page or our Myspace: http://myspace.com/apocalypsepartyband
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