Joke Archive

Joke archive
A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.It is said that Lisp programmers know that memory management is so important that it cannot be left to the users and C programmers know that memory management is so important that it cannot be left to the system. %

Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." ‐‐ Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail %

A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?" After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed."

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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." %

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean‐looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important ‐‐ it's your PhD advisor that really counts. %

A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say

something?". Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". %

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" %

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1) They replicate quickly ‐ okay, Windows does that. 2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so ‐ okay, Windows does that. 3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk ‐ okay, Windows does that too. 4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running

on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug. %

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red‐face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." %

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" %

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." %

A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn under the kilt?" He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass,

are you SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did really want to know. The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" %

"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me a postcard?" %

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door. "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. "Forty dollars." "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. Three hours later the paint‐splattered lad knocked on the door again. "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." %

Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." %

A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power‐cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. %

"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"

"We wound barbed wire around them." "That stop him?" "No, but it sure slowed him up." % Joan, the rather well‐proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." %

"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. ‐‐ there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962‐7873?" %

Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working

in a boring assembly‐line job in a large city. He worked in a fish‐processing plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! %

A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live." "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than that?" "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since last Monday." % Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George. "What do you mean?" asked George. "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know." %

"How'd you get that flat?" "Ran over a bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Damn kid had it under his coat." %

A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned

woman. As they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may yet save her!!" The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 6 feet high." The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." %

A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon or two." %

... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts. ‐‐ Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" % A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs. After a very pleasurable three‐day stay, the man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500. "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days." "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."

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A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig. "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed. "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life." "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?" The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." %

A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under the circumstances. One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto his head!" The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* surprise for you!" "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" %

A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of

field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." %

A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four‐by‐two's," he says. "You must mean two‐by‐four's" replies the clerk. The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check." Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two‐by‐fours would be acceptable. "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says. He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house". %

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g‐j' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6‐12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' ‐ bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez ‐ tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy‐spiking werld. ‐‐ Mark Twain %

A fail‐safe circuit will destroy others.

‐‐ Klipstein %

All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. ‐‐ Saint Patrick %

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." "So?" "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." %

Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... %

A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, a third, make love to an Eskimo woman." "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of this here corn liquor?" "Got one right here," replied the guard. The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.

"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?" %

The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". "What happened?" "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and ‐‐ well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" %

The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide ================================ Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Room is spinning. Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool. Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self‐control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself.

Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi‐jacked. Sympton : Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog‐ends. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time ‐ if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!! %

A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. %

FOR SALE: Parachute. Used once. Never opened. Slightly Stained. %

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive‐compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co‐dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid‐delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic‐depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. %

While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and then. We're trying to catch her." "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you carrying a bucket of sand?" "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." %

Cica un tren se opreste in gara la Caracal. Un calator scoate capul pe geam sa admire atmosfera. Agale trece un feroviar cu ciocanul. "Nu va suparati, Caracal i aicea?" intreaba pasagerul. "Da bine ca esti tu destept!" %

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance‐company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,

Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes ‐‐ where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." %

Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? %

A guy goes over to his girlfriends house to watch a video movie. The cute girlfriend is called to a rear bedroom by her aging grandmother. While gone the guy munches on some peanuts from a bowl in front of the TV. The peanuts are so good he downs the whole bowl full. A few minutes later the girl comes back into the living area with her grandmother by her side and she introduces her to the guy. He says, "Sorry, but I ate all those peanuts, they were delicious." The grandmother says, "That's OK honey, I don't have any teeth and I can't eat peanuts, but I did enjoy sucking the chocolate off them!" %

First cow:you heard about this mad cow thing second cow:I have first cow: aren't you worred? second cow:No I am a duck %

There was a Texan, a Californian, and a Washingtonian camping in the woods. By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Yukon Jack, took a swig, thru the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and blew the bottle to pieces. The Washingtonian looked at him and said, "Why didn't you finish it?" The Texan replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty of Yukon Jack where I come from. The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then threw the rest in the air, pulled out a 38 special, and shot the bottle. He then looked around and said, "That's okay, we've got plenty more in California." The Washingtonian then pulled out a bottle of Micro‐Brewery Ale, drank

it all down, tossed the empty bottle in air, pulled out a pistol, shot the Californian, and caught the bottle. He then looked over at the Texan and said, "It's okay, we've got plenty of Californians in Washington, but I have to recycle the bottle." % A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." %

Said a doctor to an amputee: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that your other leg does not have to be amputated at all." %

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!" %

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and siad, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people begaan to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop." %

Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner. "We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your elbow." "Why should I use my elbow ?" the other asked. "You weren't thinking of coming empty‐handed, were you?" %

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ‐‐ David Letterman %

Advertising guy burns out after 30 years. Finally decides he's had it with the pressure, the clients being right when they're dead wrong, the deadlines, the upset stomach. He moves to a small town in Vermont. After six months, even the town makes him claustrophobic, so he moves 20 miles out into the country, buys forty acres and builds a shack. No phone, no electricity and his water supply is a creek that runs a quarter of a mile from his home. Once a month he goes to town for groceries. Heaven. Shangri‐La. Walden. Nirvana. The advertising guy is finally at peace. One day there is a knock at his door. The first. He answers it and finds himself facing a tall, robust native Vermonter. NATIVE: Howdy, neighbah. ADMAN: What do you mean neighbor. I don't have any neighbors here.

NATIVE: I'm your neighba from four mile down the crick. Walked ovah heah to invite ya' to a pahty I'm havin' this Sattidy night. ADMAN: A party. I haven't even talked to anyone in months. A party sound's wonderful. I'll be there. NATIVE: 'Ought to warn ya' there might be some heavy drinkin' takin' place. ADMAN: No need to warn me. That sounds just fine. NATIVE: Ay‐uh. And some fightin' might break out upon occasion. ADMAN: That's fine. Wonderful. I love a good fight. NATIVE: And there's likely to be some unusual sexual activities. ADMAN: What a fabulous party. I'm really looking forward. What should I wear? NATIVE: Oh, ya' kin weah pretty much whatevah ya' please. There'll just be the two of us. % Jesus and Moses decide to play Augusta National for their weekly golf match. All goes well until they reach the 16th hole. As Jesus extracts his 6 iron for this shot over water Moses tells him he should use a longer club as "you won't reach the green with only a 6 iron." Jesus Replies, "I saw Jack Nicklaus use a 6 iron here just last week and he carried the green easily." He then proceeded to hit the ball into the water a few yards short of the green. "Will you go get it for me", he asked Moses and Moses parted the waters of the pond and walked out and picked up the ball belonging to Jesus from among all the other balls on the floor of the pond. After returning it to Jesus he noticed that Jesus was about to try again with his 6 iron. "You'll never get it there with that club. If you hit it into the water again you'll have to retrieve it yourself!" Of course he did just that and as Jesus was walking out on the surface of the pond to get his ball the foursome playing behind them caught up to them. One of the men walked up to Moses and asked, "who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "He is Jesus Christ. He THINKS he's Jack Nicklaus!" %

Bill Clinton wakes up and looks out of his window onto the White House lawn. He sees that someone has pissed in the snow the words "Bill Clinton is a

small dick loser!" He gets really angry and calls in the FBI to investigate who did this. A while later, they come back, and say "We've got some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that we've forensically identified the urine as Al Gores." "Oh no!" cries Bill. "My most trusted aide! What's the worse news?" "It's in Hilary's handwriting." %

I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals? %

As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamikaze dive into a different glass. The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp. Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" %

(WARNING: THIS JOKE CONTAINS SOME POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL; READ AT YOUR OWN RISK). This guy was out bear hunting, and came upon a stand of trees adjacent to a clearing, and thought it looked like a good place to lie in wait to see if a bear came by. Sure enough, after a short while, he caught sight of a bear lumbering through the clearing. He leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and squeezed one off. BANG! He looked toward the clearing and saw the fur flying, so he was pretty sure he nailed the bear. He walked over, and started looking around, but he couldn't see the bear anywhere. He was standing there sort of confused when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and sure as shit, the bear was standing right behind him. The bear said, "Well, the way I see it, I can either maul you to death

right here on the spot, or you can give me a blow job." The hunter didn't want to die, so he reluctantly granted the bear's request. The hunter went home, and the more he thought about what had happened the more his humiliation turned to rage. He swore that the following day, he'd go back out and kill that son of a bitch bear. So he set out in the morning with his AK‐47, and returned to the same spot. He waited a while, and sure enough the bear came lumbering through the clearing. He aimed the assault weapon and fired. BOOM!! He saw the fur flying, and walked over to inspect his kill. But he couldn't find the damned bear! Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked around, and the bear said, "Well, either I maul you, or I give it to you right up the ass." Again the hunter let the bear have his way, then returned home. That night, the hunter started getting really pissed off. The next morning he got out his bazooka and went out again in search of the bear. He waited by the clearing for a while, and soon the bear appeared again. He aimed the bazooka, and fired. KA‐BOOOOOM!!! He saw the fur fly, and walked over to the clearing. He looked around, but no bear! Then he felt a familiar tap on his shoulder, and turned around. The bear said, "Tell me the truth. You ain't in this for the hunting, are you?" %

During finals at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., test papers were being distributed to the class. After conferring with a nervous assistant, the professor spoke. "There's a problem," he said. "One of you has the answer key instead of the test." Reaching into his billfold, he continued, "If you identify yourself, this five‐dollar bill is yours." A young man raised his hand, and the professor walked toward him. "Wait a minute," shouted another student. "I'll give you fifty dollars." %

Sean is invited to join his good friend Bufu on a deer hunt. My goodness, isn't Sean excited! He can't even sleep the night before opening day. At 4:30 AM, the two lads trudge through the woods. Bufu chooses a tree to set up his stand, and points out another, about a half‐mile away, for Sean, who sleepily agrees.

After a couple hours waiting for a deer, and fighting to stay awake, Sean is seized with another feeling ‐‐ he's got to take a dump! He climbs out of his tree stand, drops his pants, and squats down over a log. However he's constipated. :( The travel, the lack of sleep, the excitement ‐‐ it all catches up with him, and as he's waiting for his bowels to move, he falls fast asleep. Meanwhile. Bufu, in his stand, alertly notices some movement. He brings his rifle up, and a nice 6pt buck walks directly into his cross‐hairs! Safety off, squeeeeeeze the trigger ‐ WHAM! The deer drops. Bufu climbs down, field dresses the deer, then goes in search of Sean, wanting some help to drag the deer out. He finds Sean in the position described earlier ‐‐ squatting down still asleep. Bufu chuckles, then decides to play a practical joke. He goes back to where he's gutted the deer, and collects an armful of intestines. He creeps back to where Sean is still asleep, and carefully places the enormous pile directly under Sean's exposed ass. Then returns to the deer. Fifteen minutes later, as Bufu is huffing and puffing, trying to drag the deer out himself, he sees Sean who looks kind of green, and considerably ill. What's wrong, he inquires? "Oh man, oh man!," Sean says. "I squatted down for a crap and dozed off ‐‐ but when I woke up, I had shit out my guts!!" Bufu gasps. "But, thanks to God, and the help of a short stick, I got 'em all back up." % Q. How many men does it take to tile a roof? A. It depends on how thinly you slice them. %

A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. By two o'clock in the morning, he was trashed. Buying a pint of tequila for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle.

At home, he starts to feel a little pain. He looks in a mirror after undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in bed. The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last night you couldn't see straight!" "What makes you think that?" "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band‐aids stuck to the bathroom mirror." %

A young woman is sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk staggers down the aisle. Stopping and weaving in front of her, he focuses on her and finally mutters, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my whole life." The woman burst into tears. Looking at the commotion in his rear‐view mirror, the driver stops the bus, goes back and glares at the drunk for a minute, then throws him off the bus. Returning with his lunch pail to the young woman, he says, "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you, but to help calm you down, you can have my coffee." He takes out a steaming thermos, pours her a cup of coffee and hands it to her. Digging back in the lunch pail, he takes out a banana. "And here‐‐this is for your pet monkey." %

A dummy goes ice fishing. He starts to auger a hole in the ice when a loud booming voice says, "There's no fish down there!" Dummy stops drilling, moves a little way, and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, "There's no fish down there!" Dummy moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately booms, "There's no fish down there!" Dummy looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?" "No, you jerk! I'm the caretaker of this skating rink!" %

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest

thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed." Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican‐two‐step diarrhea." All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?" Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home‐made Mexican tequilla. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before." First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?" Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that fucking light on.... %

Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" %

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." %

While out on the golf course, a gentleman suddenly falls over on the ninth green. "Heart attack", he calls over to a friend, who then races off to find help. The friend returns shortly, panting slightly, and says "Don't worry, I found a doctor on the third hole who can help you, and they are going to let him play thru." %

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! "Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble! What do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate... bring me my brown pants!" %

Latest discovery: helicopters with ejection seats

%

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even satisfy a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing. 'It's always the same thing with you!',the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'. %

warning: this may be offensive. read at own risk. A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman." %

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? 5: one to hold the teats (the udder) and four to shake the cow up and down. %

Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty‐five‐year‐old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty‐year‐old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." %

A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have some good news and some bad news." He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally ‐‐ just the good news." She replied, "You're not sterile." %

TRUST:

Two cannibals having oral sex. %

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ‐‐ Woody Allen %

"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her companion. "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" %

A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. "Yes, Tony?" "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. "Yes, Bernie?" "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is your apple."

When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, but business is business." %

ADULTERY: Putting yourself in someone else's position. %

As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian." % A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing ‐‐ tender, sweet, and stupid. ‐‐ Adolf Hitler % A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went out." "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* that doubt!" %

A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand‐ father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"

"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six‐guns drawn! He told me to get down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop some manure from the ground and eat it!" "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up ‐‐ I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now it's your turn ‐‐ you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, we had *lunch* together!" %

Trei furnici pe spinarea unui elefant. Elefantul se scutura si cad doua. Ramine una pe git. Cele de jos: ‐Sugruma‐l, sugruma‐l! %

A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their wedding night, the wife says to her husband: "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." Naturally, the husband is surprised. "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a virgin?" "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a Microsoft computer programmer." "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how great it was going to be." %

667 ‐‐ The neighbor of the beast. %

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar and repeats this sequence ‐‐ several times. Finally the bartender got so curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." %

A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." %

Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago. "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?" The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?" "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied. After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!" "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. %

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm ‐ perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" %

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" Otis replied, "Give up suffering." ‐‐ Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" %

After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" %

"How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." %

Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun." %

Old Barlow was a crossing‐tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old‐timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." %

n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); ‐‐ Reverse the bits in a word. % The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate farewell is consummated between the sheets. As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." %

‐ Ai poze porno cu nevasta‐ta? ‐ Nu! ‐ Cumperi? %

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are...?" St. Peter asks. "I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman. "Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compen‐ dious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan...you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin. "You blew up that pub in London!" "Yeh." "You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland." "Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply. St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!" "Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out!" %

There was this guy who adored this delicacy called the tomyam soup. He has to have this soup everyday of his life, you see. No day would be complete without it. In fact, he can't go to sleep at night without having his daily bowl of tomyam soup. One day, he goes to a Thai restaurant... the very place that he always go to everytime he craves for the soup. The waiters and the manager knew him well, particularly this one waiter who would always get good tips from this guy. The waiter ushers him to his table and brings him a bowl of piping hot tomyam soup. The guy just stared at the bowl without even lifting a finger. The waiter waited and waited but the guy didn't even touch his soup. So he figured "maybe its too hot" so he blew in it to reduce the heat. Still the guy does nothing. The waiter figured "maybe its too cold" so he heat it up. But the guy still remained as he was. Finally the waiter gave up in frustration and said, "For God's sake, you gotta say something to somebody." "Alright, wiseguy,"said the customer. "You taste the soup." The waiter leans forward and said, "Where the hell's the spoon?" "A‐HA!" said the customer. %

Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone. ‐‐ Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" %

A woman gets driven to the hospital by her husband, well on in labor, and gives birth in the elevator on the way up to the maternity floor. She is very upset by this so the nurse tries to comfort her by telling her that just last year they had a mother give birth 20 feet from the car that drove her in, only to have the mother say 'Yes! That was me too!'. %

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" %

A woman rushes into the vet's office carrying her ailing pet. "Please," she begs, "you've got to do something for my dog!" The doctor leads her to the examining room where she gently lays the animal on the table. After a brief check of the body, the vet declares, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your dog is dead." "Oh, no," sobs the woman, "He can't be! Please, I beg you, there must be something you can do to help him!" So the doctor takes a closer look ‐‐ he lifts one of the dog's eyes, feels its nose, feels the chest for a pulse ‐‐ but there is nothing, the corpse is cold and lifeless. "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your dog is gone." The woman begins to sob, "Oh, please! Isn't there something you can do to help him? ANYTHING!?" The vet sighs, then says, "Well, there is one more thing I can try."

He goes into the next room for a moment, and returns with a live cat. Grasping the cat firmly in one hand, he waves the hissing feline in the dog's face, all around the dog's body, then in the dog's face again. But the dog just lies there, so the vet returns the cat to the next room. "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your dog is really dead, and nobody can bring him back." Regathering her composure, the woman sniffs, wipes away a tear, and asks the vet, "Well, at least thank you for trying. How much do I owe you?" "That'll be 320 dollars," says the vet. Shocked, the woman exclaims, "What?! But you really didn't do anything!" "Standard fee," says the vet. "$20 for the examination, and $300 for the cat scan." %

Tobacco wasn't getting such a bad press back in his day, and Thomas Edison was a heavy smoker of stogies. But he was somewhat annoyed when his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive cigars from Cuba. He decided to play a practical joke on them. He had a cigar maker construct a lot of authentic‐looking smokes made entirely of cabbage leaves with brown paper wrapping. He left these in a prominent place on his desk. Then in a day or two he left on a short trip. When he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again. "But what did you do with those‐‐er‐‐new cigars I ordered?" he asked his secretary. "Oh, those," said the secretary. "I took it for granted that those cigars were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase." My goodness!" exclaimed Edison. "You mean to say that I smoked every one of those lousy things myself?" %

A first‐time Congressman was being interviewed by the local paper. "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that most of your constituents think will control you?" "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied. "I do not plan to take my wife to Washington." %

A young fellow and his girl are parked in a lover's lane that runs along a river. The guy wants to make love, but the girl is afraid somebody will come along and see them. They decide to do it under his Dodge 4 X 4 pickup with oversized tires and lots of room under. A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and says, "Hey, what the devil you all doing down there?" The young fellow being in a full rut doesn't even look up, but manages to say, "I'm fixing my muffler." The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been fixin' your parking brake, 'cause your truck just rolled into the river." %

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" %

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. ‐‐ Tom Lehrer %

**WATCH OUT: This is a bit sadisctic. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg‐leg, a hook‐hand, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg‐leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook." %

An old lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?' "I'd like to place an obituary." "Awright, how would you like it to read?' "Irving Cohen died." "That's it? Irving Cohen died?" "That's it." "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price." "All right. Irving Cohen died...Cadillac for sale." %

Common Laser sign found around many laser labs: Caution: Do not look into laser with remaining eye! %

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 & we're going to decide this case solely on its merits." %

** Warning: this is a bit offensive (talks about sex). When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks ‐ usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re‐entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.

Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" %

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" %

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." %