Lawyers
Content
A man walked into the Income Tax Department's office, sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge. "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."
Taxpayer: I always pay my income taxes all at once. Income Tax Officer: But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly instalments. Taxpayer: I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year.
People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by the government. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. “Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient. “Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
People who complain about paying their taxes can be divided into two types: Men and Women. Client "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" Lawyer: "Absolutely! What's the second question?" "It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets." As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. Two partners of a tax practising firm leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps himself. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
Why don't sharks eat tax practitioners? Professional courtesy. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of tax evasion. After days of trial, the case was won and the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "JUSTICE PREVAILED."
The senior partner immediately replied: "APPEAL IMMEDIATELY." An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old." Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on the first accountant jams something in the second accountant’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "It's the 500 Rupees I owe you." The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classified as income or a long-term capital gain?" What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin. For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong. A man, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax officer and want to find a suitable stone." The trouble with the profession of income-tax officers is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name. Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade night stay hotel. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking Heaven’s Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing how the Pope was given such small accommodation." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? A: No. Reply: Good!
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use lawyers. They have given three reasons for this decision: (i) There are now more lawyers than there are rats. (ii) The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the lawyers as they did to the rats. (iii) No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
Good News:A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a rip off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer. A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to connect your phone." A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcerstricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
Taxpayer: I always pay my income taxes all at once. Income Tax Officer: But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly instalments. Taxpayer: I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year.
People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by the government. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. “Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient. “Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
People who complain about paying their taxes can be divided into two types: Men and Women. Client "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" Lawyer: "Absolutely! What's the second question?" "It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets." As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. Two partners of a tax practising firm leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps himself. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
Why don't sharks eat tax practitioners? Professional courtesy. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of tax evasion. After days of trial, the case was won and the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "JUSTICE PREVAILED."
The senior partner immediately replied: "APPEAL IMMEDIATELY." An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old." Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on the first accountant jams something in the second accountant’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "It's the 500 Rupees I owe you." The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classified as income or a long-term capital gain?" What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin. For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong. A man, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax officer and want to find a suitable stone." The trouble with the profession of income-tax officers is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name. Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade night stay hotel. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking Heaven’s Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing how the Pope was given such small accommodation." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? A: No. Reply: Good!
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use lawyers. They have given three reasons for this decision: (i) There are now more lawyers than there are rats. (ii) The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the lawyers as they did to the rats. (iii) No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
Good News:A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a rip off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer. A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to connect your phone." A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcerstricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
