LeMontay Redmond
Content
LeMONTAY
(Animated Sitcom)
"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
MATT LAUER is interviewing LeMONTAY REDMOND (black, 35).
MATT LAUER
Welcome back to the Today Show.
Sitting next to me is Grammy award
winning rapper and producer,
LeMontay Redmond.
LEMONTAY
Are you the gay guy on CNN?
MATT LAUER
No. That’s Anderson Cooper. I’m
Matt Lauer, and this is NBC.
LEMONTAY
I don’t give a fuck.
MATT LAUER
Anyways, thanks for getting up so
early to join us.
LEMONTAY
Are you saying that because I’m
black?
MATT LAUER
What do you mean?
LEMONTAY
You think black people like to
sleep late? You think they’re too
lazy to work, and they’d rather
stay in bed all day dreaming about
watermelon and collard greens? Are
you trying to say there’s a
correlation between blackness, and
unemployed-ness, and not getting up
early enough for this stupid cracka
ass show? You probably think Wesley
Snipes gets up at 12, Tiger Woods
is up at 9, and Conan O’Brien’s
pale white Irish ass is up and
feeding roosters at the crack of
dawn!
MATT LAUER
Alright. Let’s talk about your new
album.
2.
LEMONTAY
Well. I drop rhymes for 47 tracks.
And I use the word nigga 1,753
times. That’s a Guinness world
record. You know about the word
nigga--right, Matt Lauer? I’m sure
you use it more than I do, you
racist son of a bitch. You’re
actually the Guinness world nigga
record holder.
MATT LAUER
I’m not the record holder. I’m not
even in the top 10.
LEMONTAY
But you do say nigga a lot.
MATT LAUER
Well... No. I don’t use the n-word.
LEMONTAY
You want to call me a nigga right
now--don’t you, Matt Lauer?
MATT LAUER
No.
LEMONTAY
You’re calling me a nigga in your
head right now. Internally. Let me
tell you something, Matt Lauer. An
internal nigga is even more racist
than an external nigga. Only a real
racist would refrain from saying
nigga out loud, and say it
internally, and let the word and
the racism reside in his heart, and
grow into a racism tree, with nigga
branches, and anti affirmative
action leaves, and a pro-slavery
trunk. Say it externally, Matt
Lauer. Say it out loud. That’s who
you are. Say it loud. "I’m white
and I’m proud, and I think LaMontay
Redmond is a nigga." Say it, Matt
Lauer.
MATT LAUER
Fine. You want an external nigger?
Well then here you go. I can’t
stand your nigger ass. ... I mean,
um, so tell us about your new
movie.
3.
LEMONTAY
Fuck you, Matt Lauer.
MATT LAUER
Fuck you too, LeMontay Redmond.
(to camera)
OK. We have to take a commercial
break. But when we come back, I’m
gonna talk to Suzanne Summers about
her new line of scented candles.
INT. E! NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT
HOST
Earlier today, LeMontay Redmond
released a new triple album that he
says is gonna revolutionize music
and astrophysics, and reduce
unemployment in Detroit to three
and a half percent. And tonight is
the premiere of LeMontay’s first
ever movie. We’re gonna take you
live to that premiere right now,
and check in with LeMontay himself.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
A fancy movie premiere is taking place, with a red carpet,
limos, photographers, etc. LeMontay is standing with Scarlet
and an INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER
I’m here with LeMontay Redmond,
who’s accompanied, as always, by
his
LEMONTAY
In commemoration of the release of
my album and movie, I hereby
declare that today is an official
holiday. LeMontay Redmond Day. It’s
gonna be celebrated every year on
the Saturday before President’s
Day. Because George Washington is
the father of our country, and I’m
the father of, like, a bunch of
other shit. You know. Like I’m the
first person to tie bandanas around
my ankles, and I’m the first person
to walk on the moon.
4.
INTERVIEWER
Um. I think Neil Armstrong is the
first person to walk on the moon.
LEMONTAY
Man--the white man is always trying
to take credit for the black man’s
achievements. You know what? George
Washington isn’t the father of our
country. It’s actually George
Washington Carver--the black man
who also invented 1753 uses for a
peanut. He worked with peanuts, and
he also founded this country. In
fact, the original name of this
country is the United States of
Peanut. In 1776, the states all had
"peanut" in their names. New York
was New Peanut. West Virginia was
West Peanut. And Delaware was,
um... Dela-peanut. And the governor
was Della Reese. She was married to
George Washington Carver, and
together they invented Reese’s
peanut butter cups.
INTERVIEWER
Are you high on drugs right now?
LEMONTAY
Well. I might’ve taken some
Adderall and smoked some joints.
But Adderall and marijuana aren’t
drugs. They’re plants. I should
know--because I have an Adderall
tree growing in my backyard. Oh
yeah. I got you a LeMontay Redmond
Day card.
He hands her a card.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. OK. Thanks. And, uh, what
should people do on LeMontay
Redmond Day?
LEMONTAY
On LeMontay Redmond Day, it’s
customary to listen to my albums,
and eat two pounds of biscuits and
gravy.
5.
INTERVIEWER
I see. OK. You’ve produced albums,
you’ve rapped on albums, and now
you’ve starred in a Hollywood
feature film. What’s next for
LeMontay Redmond?
LEMONTAY
I’m gonna be the next Nelson
Nandela. I’m gonna, you know, do
some shit in Africa or something.
I’m gonna end the apartheid in
Nigeria.
INTERVIEWER
There’s no apartheid in Nigeria.
LEMONTAY
Well. I’m gonna find a white guy in
Nigeria, and I’m gonna beat white
ass, in an anti-apartheid manner.
You know. Because Nelson Nandela
was a great man.
INTERVIEWER
It’s Nelson Mandela--not Nelson
Nandela.
LEMONTAY
Are you saying that because I’m
black?
INT. LIMO - NIGHT
LeMontay, SCARLET (female, 30, white, attractive, big butt),
CALVIN (35, black), CHUCK (25, black), RANDY (35, white),
and three WOMEN (25-35, attractive) are in the back seat of
a limo.
CHUCK
(to LeMontay)
Yo man--that was movie was the
bomb. I’m just pissed off it was
only 183 minutes long. I mean,
you’re LeMontay Redmond. You got
too much greatness to fit into 183
minutes of film.
LEMONTAY
That’s what I told the studio--but
them niggas was trippin. I wanted a
988 minute film--but my director
James Cameron said to me,
6.
(in "white" voice)
"No one want to see your black ass
on screen for 988 minutes, you
nigger."
CALVIN
Man--your movie wasn’t directed by
James Cameron. It was directed by
Tyler Perry’s second cousin,
DeCarlos Perry.
LEMONTAY
Well. Some white people from the
studio called me a nigga. I
mean, they didn’t actually say it
out loud. But I could see it in
their eyes. In, like, the white
part of their eyes. It was saying
that shit. Internally. The whites
of their eyes were filled with
internal niggas. Racist ass
eye-whiteness. Yo--is there any way
I can get the whiteness removed
from my eyeballs, so they can be
100% black?
RANDY
You must be crazy.
LEMONTAY
No one asked for your opinion,
white boy. Look at your eyeballs,
man. They’re more racist than Matt
Lauer’s eyeballs.
RANDY
How am I racist? I’ve been one of
your best friends for 20 years.
LEMONTAY
Elementary, my dear cracker. It’s a
scientific fact that all white
people are racist.
RANDY
How the hell is that scientific?
LEMONTAY
Man. Isaac Newton proved that shit
when he saw an apple fall to the
ground. Except it wasn’t Isaac
Newton. It was
George Washington Carver--the
(MORE)
7.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
father of our country, and the
inventor of the
peanut prophylactic.
CHUCK
(to Randy)
Yeah, nigga. The inside of an apple
is 100% white. That’s why I eat
berries. The blacker the berry, the
sweeter the juice.
RANDY
What the fuck are you talking
about?
CHUCK
Physics, man. Open a book.
(to
Yo, man.
Let’s go
movie.
(to
What did
LEMONTAY
Everyone)
Enough science for today.
back to talking about my
Scarlet)
you think of it, baby?
SCARLET
It was so good. And any time you
were on screen, I was so turned on.
LEMONTAY
Me, too.
SCARLET
You were turned on when you saw
yourself on screen?
LEMONTAY
Yes. Is it because I’m black?
SCARLET
Um. I don’t know. Ask yourself.
INT. LEMONTAY’S HOME (BACKYARD) - NIGHT
A party is taking place. LeMontay walks up to JONAH HILL.
LEMONTAY
Jonah Hill! What up, homey?
8.
JONAH HILL
LeMontay! What’s cracking?
LeMontay gives him a hip hop handshake / hug.
LEMONTAY
Man--I love you, bro. You a legend.
Moneybad. Superball. The Wolf of
Walmart. And probably some other
shit, too.
JONAH HILL
Yeah. I have been in some other
shit. I’ve been in 30 other movies.
Like Moneyball, Superbad, and The
Wolf of Wall Street.
LEMONTAY
So what did you think of my movie?
JONAH HILL
It was, uh, great.
LEMONTAY
How many times have you seen it?
JONAH HILL
Once.
LEMONTAY
How come just once?
JONAH HILL
Because it just premiered. You
know. We all came here from the
premiere.
LEMONTAY
Still. You got two eyeballs and two
ears. You could’ve watched it twice
simultaneously.
JONAH HILL
Um. Well. I did.
LEMONTAY
Yo--let me ask you this. Do you
ever watch award shows?
JONAH HILL
Uh. Yeah.
9.
LEMONTAY
Don’t you hate it when there’s some
sort of award, and it goes to
someone who’s not me? You know what
I mean? You’re watching TV, and
they say, like, "The Country Music
Award for Best Album goes to...
Garth Brooks." And then you think,
"Oh--hell no! What about LeMontay
Redmond?"
JONAH HILL
But you’re not a country music
artist.
LEMONTAY
My music transcends all
genre-fications. You can’t
categorize the lunimosity of my
lyrics or the bestiality of my
beats--you know what I’m saying?
JONAH HILL
I don’t think anyone knows what
you’re saying.
LEMONTAY
The point is, all awards should go
to me--and be named after me, and
be presented by me. I should just
get up on stage and say, "Welcome
to the 1st Annual Daily LeMontay
Redmond Awards. I’m your host,
LeMontay Redmond. Let’s get to it.
The LeMontay Redmond award for
LeMontay Redmond goes to LeMontay
Muthafuckin Redmond. I’d like to
thank LeMontay Redmond..." You know
what I’m saying? That’s a
legitimate awards show. Not one
where Billy Crystal uses his white
eyeballs to read a teleprompter,
and then some white motherfucker
like Jonah Hill gets an award for
some dumbass movie he was in.
JONAH HILL
Um. I’m Jonah Hill.
LEMONTAY
I know. I love you, man. You a
legend. "It doesn’t even have a
first name! It just says McLovin!"
10.
JONAH HILL
Uh. OK. Well. Great party. I love
the biscuits and gravy. Uh. I think
I see Seth Rogen over there. I’m
gonna go say hi to him.
LEMONTAY
Cool. Tell that nigga I got a role
for him in my next movie.
JONAH HILL
OK. Alright. I’ll definitely tell
that nigga.
LEMONTAY
And I got a role for you too,
nigga.
JONAH HILL
Great. Fantastic. Although I’m kind
of booked for the next five years.
with other movies and stuff.
LEMONTAY
Like what?
JONAH HILL
Uh... 23 Jump Street. And, uh, 24
Jump Street. And, uh, 20 Jump
Street--the prequel to 21 Jump
Street.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. Can you get me in 23 Jump
Street?
JONAH HILL
Well. I’ll recommend you to the
producers and stuff.
LEMONTAY
Cool. And what about the Godfather
4?
JONAH HILL
Um--I’m not involved in that movie,
so I can’t get you in it.
LEMONTAY
No. I meant the two of us are gonna
film the Godfather 4 right now in
my living room.
11.
JONAH HILL
Well. I’d love to do that--but I’m
busy with, you know, 23 Jump
Street, and I have to go say hi to
Seth Rogan.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--get your white ass in that
living room before I beat your
white ass. We’re gonna start
shooting in 30 seconds. And before
we start, I want you to rub your
body in strawberry syrup. You’re
gonna
play Michael Corleone, muthafucka!
INT. MOVIE REVIEW SHOW - DAY
BILL (50, white) and JIM (50, white) are seated on a TV set.
JIM
...Gandhi 2 isn’t Jim Carrey’s best
film--but I do like the way he
manages to capture the physical
humor that Mahatma Gandhi was so
well known for. I give the movie
three and a half stars.
BILL
Me, too--except I give the movie
one star, because it’s fucking
stupid. OK. Next up is rapper
LeMontay Redmond’s debut film,
Bitches and Champagne. It was
co-written by Redmond
himself--which might explain why
the movie’s called Bitches and
Champagne, and why there’s a scene
where Redmond’s character stares at
his ass in a mirror for 27 minutes
while listening to the Rocky theme
song. And that brings up the
following question. What’s worse
about this movie: A--the writing,
or B--Redmond’s acting?
JIM
I’d say C--the 188 minute run time,
and D--all of the above. This movie
made me hate black people--which is
pretty amazing, considering how for
the past 23 years, I’ve been
(MORE)
12.
JIM (cont’d)
happily married to a black
woman--my soul mate, Cheryl. I’m
actually gonna file for divorce
after today’s show. And I’m gonna
call up Washington, and see if I
can switch my 2012 vote from Obama
to David Duke. So Bill, what do you
hate most about black people?
BILL
Well. I’m still OK with black
people. In fact, I’ve been sleeping
with your wife for the past three
years. But getting back to
Redmond’s movie, I really took
issue with the fact that every five
minutes, Redmond’s character kills
a white man or sleeps with a white
woman--and none of the killings or
the sex has any relevance to the
plot. Even in the scene where
Redmond stares at his ass for 27
minutes, he takes five short breaks
to kill white men and sleep with
white women.
INT. DMV - DAY
LeMontay, Calvin, Chuck, and Randy walk into a DMV. The
PEOPLE there stare at LeMontay.
LEMONTAY
(to Chuck and Randy)
You two nigga wait here while we
handle my business.
LeMontay and Calvin cut through the line as LeMontay tells
the people in it:
LEMONTAY
Get the fuck out of my way!
He reaches the front of the line, and looks at a DMV
EMPLOYEE (male, 25, white).
LEMONTAY
Yeah. It’s me.
DMV EMPLOYEE
who the hell are you?
13.
LEMONTAY
Who the hell am I? Who the hell are
you?
DMV EMPLOYEE
I’m Rob. I work at the DMV.
He hands him a slip of paper.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--just renew my drivers
license.
DMV EMPLOYEE
OK. Let’s see.
(looks at paper)
Lemon-tay Redmond.
LEMONTAY
It’s LeMONtay. Don’t you know how
to read?
DMV EMPLOYEE
Well. It’s just that your name is
spelled L-E-M-O-N-T-A-Y. So when I
saw the L-E-M-O-N, I though of
lemon.
LEMONTAY
Do I look like a citrus fruit
you? Can a citrus fruit renew
drivers license? Can a citrus
even get a drivers license in
first place?
to
a
fruit
the
DMV EMPLOYEE
I guess not.
LEMONTAY
Well then I guess my name ain’t
Lemon-tay. How the hell do you not
know who I am?! I’m the most famous
person the world! What the hell
does DMV stand for? Dumb
Motherfucking White Boy?
DMV EMPLOYEE
Um. "White boy" doesn’t start with
a V.
LEMONTAY
What the hell does DMV stand
for--Very Dumb Motherfucking White
(MORE)
14.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
Boy? There you go, There’s your V,
nigga. Very.
DMV EMPLOYEE
But it’s not the VDM. It’s the DMV.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
Randy is driving, while Calvin is in the passenger’s seat,
and LeMontay and Chuck are in the backseat.
LEMONTAY
Fucking VDM. They’re all crazy and
shit.
CHUCK
VDM? Isn’t it the DMV?
LEMONTAY
It’s the VDM--but white people
formed a conspiracy, and changed
its name to the DMV, and changed
the name of New Peanut to New York.
Yo--I need you to put some diamonds
and rims on my new drivers license.
CALVIN
Now that you got a renewed drivers
license, don’t you want to do a
little driving?
LEMONTAY
Nah, nigga. I love having Randy
drive. White man at the back of the
bus, baby.
CALVIN
What do you mean "white man at the
back of the bus?" Randy’s sitting
in the front.
LEMONTAY
But he’s driving. And he’s white.
CALVIN
Well then shouldn’t we say
something like "white man driving
Miss Daisy?"
15.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--do I look like Miss Daisy to
you?
CALVIN
No. I’m just saying...
LEMONTAY
I don’t look like Miss Daisy--or a
citrus fruit, for that
matter. That’s why I said "white
man at the back of the bus."
RANDY
Man--you straight up trippin’,
LeMontay. I’m a driver. I ain’t no
white man at the back of the bus.
LEMONTAY
Listen. When I want your cracker
commentary, I’ll ask you for it.
I’ll ring this bell,
(rings a servant’s bell)
and I’ll say, "Cracker--I want your
commentary."
RANDY
Whatever, man.
LEMONTAY
I’ll bet you want to call me a
nigga right now.
RANDY
Yes. That’s exactly what I want to
call you, nigga!
LEMONTAY
Man. If you weren’t one of my best
friends, I’d walk over to the back
of the bus right now and beat your
white ass.
RANDY
I ain’t at the back of no damn bus!
But if you want, I can pull over,
and you can try beat my white ass.
LEMONTAY
Who the hell do you think you are?
Rocky Marciano?
16.
RANDY
You think you can kick my ass?
LEMONTAY
I know I can kick your ass. Don’t
forget--I knocked out Evander
Holyfield in a sparring session.
RANDY
Was that before or after you walked
on the moon?
LEMONTAY
Fuck you, nigga. Chuck knows I
knocked out Holyfield.
(to Chuck)
Right?
CHUCK
Uh. Yeah. I heard from some very
reputable sources that you dropped
that nigga with a left hook.
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
You see?
RANDY
Yo. Chuck will agree with anything
you say. Because you’ve already
fired Chuck from your entourage 17
different times.
LEMONTAY
Hey. I fired Chuck because he was
having drug problems those 17
times, and I wanted him to get his
life in order.
(to Chuck)
Ain’t that right, Chuck?
CHUCK
Uh. Yeah. I had drug problems. And
I appreciate you firing me like
that. 17 different times.
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
You hear that, Randy? Did you hear
that, sitting all the way over
there at the back of the bus?
17.
RANDY
Whatever.
(to
Oh yeah.
you. How
over the
LEMONTAY
Chuck)
I’ve been meaning to ask
much did my movie make
weekend?
CHUCK
Well. Um. You know. It took in
money. It’s a movie. And it took in
money. Your movie took in money.
From moviegoers. Yeah. Moviegoers.
Then went to see your movie. And
they paid money to see your movie.
Just like they paid money to see
Titanic and Avatar. So yeah. Your
movie. It took in money. From
moviegoers. Yo man--you want to get
some biscuits and gravy?
LEMONTAY
Well how much money did my movie
take in?
CHUCK
Well. Uh. 125....
LEMONTAY
125 billion dollars?
CHUCK
Well. Basically, yes. Except it was
125 thousand dollars.
LEMONTAY
Oh. You mean 125 thousillion.
CHUCK
Uh. Pretty much. Except it wasn’t
125 thousillion so much as it was
125 thou-sand.
LEMONTAY
125 thou-sand? That don’t sound
like no number one movie.
CHUCK
Uh. Well. You know what? It was the
number one movie in Shuquasia.
18.
LEMONTAY
What the fuck is Shuquasia?
CHUCK
It’s, uh--it’s a continent.
LEMONTAY
I ain’t never heard of no damn
Shuquasia. If the movie did so well
in Shuquasia, then how come it only
made $125,000?
CHUCK
Well. You know. It’s the exchange
rates between Shuquasian currency
and the US dollar. Because the
Shuquasian deutschmark ain’t got as
much deutsch-ness as it used to.
LEMONTAY
Well. Let’s talk about the American
box office. How well did the movie
do in America? Was it in the top
five?
CHUCK
Well. Yes and no.
LEMONTAY
What the fuck does that mean?
CHUCK
Well. Yes it was in the top 37, and
no it wasn’t in the top five. But,
you know. It was number one in
Shuquasia.
LEMONTAY
Fuck Shuquasia! What was number one
in America?
CHUCK
Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Cracker ass penguins!
CALVIN
Actually, penguins are half black
and half white.
19.
LEMONTAY
Half cracker ass penguins. I’m
gonna handle this shit.
(to Randy)
White boy at the back of the bus. I
need you to drive me to work.
RANDY
You mean the recording studio?
LEMONTAY
Nah, nigga. I’m fi’in to get myself
a new job.
INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY
A WOMAN and her two CHILDREN (6, 8) are at the front of the
line
WOMAN
One adult and two children for
Penguin Power.
LeMontay is working the ticket booth.
LEMONTAY
Nah. You don’t want to see that
shit. You don’t want to see a bunch
of penguins having gay sex. You
want to see my movie.
WOMAN
My kids want to see Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Listen, lady. I ain’t bullshitting
here. You better watch my movie,
and not some Peter piper Penguin
Power ridiculousness.
WOMAN
Your movie isn’t a children’s
movie.
LEMONTAY
I’m done talking to you.
(to 6 year old Child)
Yo. What movie do you want to see?
CHILD 1
Penguin Power.
20.
LEMONTAY
But I’m not in Penguin Power.
CHILD 1
You’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
What did you say?!
CHILD 1
You’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
You better get your preschool ass
in that theater and watch my movie.
CHILD 1
I’m not in preschool. I’m in
kindergarten.
LEMONTAY
Well who the hell graduated your
ass from preschool? You clearly
don’t know shit. I should beat your
ass.
(to Woman)
(flirtatiously)
So, uh--what are you doing later
tonight? If you drop by my crib at
7:30, I’ll let you let me have sex
with you.
WOMAN
You just threatened to beat my
kid’s ass.
LEMONTAY
Right. So bring him with you, and
I’ll beat his ass after we have
sex.
She takes some pepper spray out of her purse, and sprays him
in the eye. He reels from it, and rubs his eyes.
The theater’s MANAGER (male, white, 40) walks up to
LeMontay.
MANAGER
Excuse me. You don’t work here.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--I got pepper in my eyes!
21.
MANAGER
I’m not a nigger. I’m white.
LEMONTAY
I don’t give a fuck what you are,
nigga!
MANAGER
Well do you give a fuck that I’m
the manager of this theater, and I
want you out of here?
LEMONTAY
So you’re the motherfucker who’s
only playing my movie on one of
your screens instead of all 15 of
your screens. Why is that? Is it
because I’m black?
MANAGER
No. It’s because your movie is
called Bitches and Champagne, and
no one wants to see it.
LEMONTAY
I don’t think you understand. It’s
a movie where I stare at my ass in
a mirror.
MANAGER
I don’t think you understand.
That’s not a movie. That’s just a
video of you staring at your ass.
LEMONTAY
But I also kill white men, and
sleep with white women. You know.
It’s a superhero movie.
MANAGER
You better get out of my theater.
LEMONTAY
Gladly. Why would i want to spend
time in a rinky dink kitchen sink
theater like this? I’m LeMontay
Muthafuckin Redmond. I’ll buy my
own movie theater. Now hand me a
Sprite, so I can wash this pepper
out of my eyes.
22.
MANAGER
We only have 7 UP--not Sprite.
MAN IN THEATER
(to LeMontay)
You’re actually supposed to use
milk to wash out pepper spray. I
know, because I’ve been pepper
sprayed 173 times. I always carry a
container of milk with me.
LEMONTAY
Well hand it over!
MAN IN THEATER
OK--but don’t use all of it. I’m
probably gonna need it later, when
I get pepper sprayed by my
ex-girlfriend.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
RANDY
So how was work?
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. Take me to Shuquasia. And
then afterwards, drive back to
America and take me to
kindergarten.
CHUCK
Uh. Why do you want to go to
Shuquasia?
LEMONTAY
I have the number one movie there.
I want to watch it with all of my
Shuquasian fans.
CHUCK
Well, uh--you can’t go to
Shuquasia.
LEMONTAY
Why not?
CHUCK
You know. ’Cuz, uh, it’s, uh,
they--in Shuquasia, there’s, um, a
lot of... uh... communism. They
got communism. A lot of it. It’s a
communist country.
23.
LEMONTAY
I thought you said Shuquasia was a
continent.
CHUCK
Well. Yeah. It’s both. Like
Australia. Shuquasia is a country
and a continent. They got kangaroos
there.
LEMONTAY
No wonder their currency is all
fucked up and shit. They got
kangaroos and communism.
CHUCK
Yeah. You know how all that
kangaroo communist currency is.
It’s all fucked up. Ain’t got no
deutsch in the deutschmark.
RANDY
(to LeMontay)
So where should we go?
LEMONTAY
Yo. Take me to kindergarten.
RANDY
Kindergarten?
LEMONTAY
Yeah, man.
RANDY
Why? Are you going back to school
to get your kindergarten degree?
LEMONTAY
I already have a kindergarten
degree, nigga! I’m going to
kindergarten to deal with the root
of all of this Penguin Power
bullshit.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a classroom,
and see a TEACHER (female, 40, black).
24.
LEMONTAY
Yo. Is this kindergarten?
TEACHER
Yes.
LEMONTAY
Are you the teacher?
TEACHER
Yeah.
LEMONTAY
You’re not educating your students
properly.
CHUCK
(to Teacher)
That’s right! You’re not educating
your students properly.
TEACHER
(to LeMontay and Chuck)
What makes you say that?
LEMONTAY
Because they don’t know jack shit
about George Washington Carver, and
they want to watch some dumb ass
movie about penguins, instead of my
dumb ass movie about alize.
CHUCK
Alize!
TEACHER
(to LeMontay)
Is your dumb ass movie a children’s
movie?
LEMONTAY
Why do people keep on asking me
that shit?
TEACHER
Because you want children to see
your movie.
LEMONTAY
It’s not a children’s movie per se.
It’s a movie movie that contains
stuff that kids should see.
25.
TEACHER
Like what?
LEMONTAY
Like the scene where I pour alize
on a stripper.
CHUCK
Alize!
TEACHER
(to LeMontay)
Can you leave now?
LEMONTAY
Listen. I got a good idea. Tomorrow
at 12, get all of this school’s
students in the auditorium, so I
can tell them what’s what, and
teach them what they need to learn.
Oh. I’ll bring the alize and the
stripper.
TEACHER
Um. I’m afraid we can’t let you
speak in front of the students, or
get within 100 yards of them, you
freaking lunatic.
LEMONTAY
It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?
You think black people can’t
educate students.
TEACHER
Um. I’m black, too. So is our
principal.
LEMONTAY
He sounds like a real Uncle Tom.
TEACHER
He’s the civil right leader who
bailed Rosa Parks out of jail in
the 60s.
LEMONTAY
Look at your eyeballs. You want to
call me a nigga--don’t you?
TEACHER
No.
26.
LEMONTAY
An internal nigga is more racist
than an external nigga.
TEACHER
What the hell are you talking
about?
LEMONTAY
Break yo self!
She takes a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse, and
sprays LeMontay in the face.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY
LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a high School
office where a SECRETARY and PRINCIPAL ROBINSON (male, 62)
are working.
LEMONTAY
What up, Hartville High? I’m back.
(to Principal Robinson)
Principal Robinson. What up homey?
It’s me--LeMontay Redmond. Class of
96, baby.
CALVIN
And it’s me, Calvin
Critterion--Class of 97.
CHUCK
And me, Chuck Robinson--Class of
98.
LEMONTAY
(to Chuck)
Nigga--you ain’t in no Class of 98.
You didn’t even go to this school.
And you’re only 25. I should take
your young ass back to that
kindergarten.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
LeMontay. You’re not exactly part
of the class of 96.
LEMONTAY
What makes you say that, nigga?
27.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
Because you didn’t graduate, and
you used your textbook pages to
roll joints, and you threatened to
kill me, and you named your last
album "Fuck Hartville High, and
Double Fuck Principal Robinson."
LEMONTAY
Anyways, I’m gonna talk to all your
students today. You know. I’m gonna
educate them and shit, since you
niggas obviously ain’t doing a good
job.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
(to LAURA THE SECRETARY)
Laura--can I see your purse for a
second?
LAURA
Uh--sure.
She hands him her purse. He takes a bottle of pepper spray
out of hit, and sprays LeMontay in the face.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man! Someone get me some milk
to put in my eyes, so I can
counteract all this pepper shit.
CHUCK
Where the fuck am I gonna get milk?
LEMONTAY
This is a school, nigga. Just go to
the cafeteria.
CHUCK
OK. You want lowfat, whole milk, or
chocolate milk?
LEMONTAY
Whole milk!
CHUCK
You want me to get you a donut,
too?
LEMONTAY
Just get the milk, motherfucker!
28.
RANDY
I’ll have a donut.
CHUCK
Alright. That’s one whole milk, one
donut, and one choco taco for me.
CALVIN
Yo, man. Get me a donut, too.
INT. LEMONTAY’S HOME - DAY
LEMONTAY
So did you contact the other
schools?
CALVIN
Yeah.
LEMONTAY
Alright. How many schools want me
to speak to their students?
CALVIN
Well. Zero.
LEMONTAY
You mean zero illion schools?
CALVIN
Well. I guess.
LEMONTAY
Alright. that’s a lot of schools.
Which one should I go to first?
CALVIN
Zero illion is the same as zero.
Zero schools want you to speak to
their students.
LEMONTAY
Well how many schools did you
contact?
CALVIN
All of them.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. This is straight up
bullshit. Damn schools don’t want
kids to learn. They want them to
(MORE)
29.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
watch penguin movies. Yo--get me on
the Today Show. I gotta take on the
conspiracy.
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
MATT LAUER
Alright. I’m here with rapper,
producer, and actor LeMontay
Redmond. LeMontay--let me start by
apologizing for calling you the
n-word the other day.
LEMONTAY
Hey. You were just saying what you
were thinking.
MATT LAUER
No I wasn’t.
LEMONTAY
An external nigga is preferable to
an internal nigga.
MATT LAUER
Anyways. Let’s talk about your
movie Bitches and Champagne. It
didn’t do particularly well at the
box office.
LEMONTAY
Well--it’s an art film. So
artistically speaking, we were
going after art, and not box
offices. A box office is a type of
office, and not a type of art. I
think artistically, we did what we
set out to do with the movie. And
box office-ally, we didn’t set out
to do nothing with the movie box
office-ally--because once again,
Bitches and Champagne is an art
film, and not a box office film.
Fuck boxes, and fuck offices. I
don’t live in a cardboard box, and
I don’t go to no damn office. I’m a
true artist. If I focused on ticket
sales, I wouldn’t be no true
artist--you know what I’m saying?
30.
MATT LAUER
Alright. Let’s talk about your new
album, Bitches, Champagne and Ho’s.
It finished number one on the
Billboard charts.
LEMONTAY
Well--I think that’s a testament to
how great of an album it is. You
know that I’m saying? The proof is
in the pudding, and the pudding is
in the record sales, and the record
sales are through the roof--so I
got proof, and I got pudding, and
that’s proof that I’m the greatest
rapper of all time. I mean, the
Billboard numbers don’t lie. I
believe in two Bills: Billboard,
and Bill Clinton. And
Billboardically speaking, I’m the
greatest rapper ever, and Bill
Clinton is greatest President ever.
Except for Obama. That should be
the new Mount Rushmore. Me, Bill
Clinton, Obama, and Nelson
Nandela. And the Hoover Dam should
be renamed the Scarlet Weatherly
Dam--’cause damn my girlfriend’s
got a big butt. That’s
indisputable. You can dispute a lot
of things--but the size of that
woman’s butt ain’t subject to no
disputations. It’s always,
"Damn--she got a big butt." ’Cause
damn--she got a big butt. But I
don’t know about no Hoover. I never
looked at a Hoover vacuum and
thought, "Damn that vacuum cleaner
got a big butt." But I ain’t here
to talk about my album, or a dam,
or my girlfriend’s butt.
MATT LAUER
Then what are you here to talk
about?
LEMONTAY
We need to free Shuquasia from the
chains of communism, so that we can
inject some deutsch into
their deutschmarks.
31.
MATT LAUER
What?
LEMONTAY
Actually, what I meant to say was
"education." I’m here to talk about
education. I went ahead and studied
the educational system. And it’s
straight up garbage. I wrote a song
about it.
(rapping)
School is wack, and so is Busta
Rhymes / Busta Rhymes--fuck that
nigga / School don’t teach you
nuthin’ ’bout nuthin’ / You’d be
better off reading a pumpkin / K
through 12, and you’re ignorant /
Can’t make a dollar out of 15 cents
/ A dime and a nickel / Rob Van
Winkle / Fuck Vanilla Ice and fuck
Busta Rhymes / Don’t go to school
unless it is mine
MATT LAUER
OK. So what exactly are you saying?
LEMONTAY
Education is all fucked up. And
there’s a conspiracy in place
that’s keeping it the way it is.
And that’s why every time I try to
reform education, I end up getting
pepper sprayed in the eye. But you
know what? No more pepper spray.
He puts on a pair of goggles.
LEMONTAY
I, LeMontay Redmond, am gonna
revolutionize education in America
by starting my own school. The
LeMontay Redmond School of
Education. It’s a school where we
teach you education, and learning,
and educationally, we teach you and
educate you. Both. We teach. We
educate. I’m the Principal, and I
got a stripper as the Vice
Principal.
MATT LAUER
So where exactly is this school
gonna be?
32.
LEMONTAY
It ain’t gonna be nowhere. I got a
better plan in mind.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
Yo. Take me to PBS studios.
INT. SESAME STREET SET - DAY
BIG BIRD
Today we’re gonna learn about
farms.
LeMontay punches Big Bird in the face.
LEMONTAY
No we’re not, motherfucker! I’m
putting an end to the educational
conspiracy aimed at making kids
want to watch dumb movies about
penguins. Sesame Street is now the
home of the
LeMontay Redmond School of
Education.
BIG BIRD
So you don’t want kids to learn
about farms?
LEMONTAY
Do I look like old MacDonald? Do
you hear a quack quack here and a
quack quack there? Here a quack,
there a quack--ain’t no quack
quacks up in this motherfucker.
Kids don’t need to know about
farms. Look at me. I’m LeMontay
Redmond. I’m the wealthiest, most
successful person on the planet.
And the only thing I know about
farms is that that’s where they
grow citrus fruit and burritos.
BIG BIRD
Actually, they don’t grow burritos
on farms.
33.
LEMONTAY
Oh. So you have a problem with me
dating a white woman?
BIG BIRD
Uh. No.
LEMONTAY
(to camera)
Anyways, children. Today, Uncle
LeMontay is gonna teach you some
shit you need to know. Not
farmology. I’m gonna teach you why
you shouldn’t watch a dumb ass
movie about penguins.
(to Big Bird)
Where’s Elmo?
BIG BIRD
He’s, uh, over there.
LEMONTAY
Elmo! Get your ass over here,
nigga.
ELMO
Hi, everybody.
LEMONTAY
Elmo. Tell all of our viewers why
penguin movies are bullshit.
ELMO
Um. I thought we were gonna talk
about farms.
LEMONTAY
Do I look like a burrito to you? We
ain’t talking about no farms. Now
tell our viewers why penguin movies
are bullshit.
ELMO
But Elmo likes penguin movies.
LEMONTAY
Elmo’s about to get his ass kicked.
34.
INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY
LeMontay is once again working the ticket stand. Another
WOMAN with two CHILDREN is at the front of the line.
WOMAN 2
One adult and two children for
Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Penguin Power? But I done educated
kids on how penguin movies are
bullshit.
WOMAN 2
My kids want to see Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Your kids ain’t educated.
(to Kids)
Kids--don’t you want to see my
movie Bitches and Champagne?
CHILD 3
Aren’t you the guy who was on
Sesame Street?
LEMONTAY
Yeah. That’s me. LeMontay Redmond.
Uncle LeMontay.
CHILD 3
You punched Elmo. You’re a pee-pee
head.
CHILD 4
Yeah--you’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
(to Woman)
Yo--you want to have sex?
The Woman take a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse and
sprays LeMontay in the eyes.
LEMONTAY
Yo kids! Can you bring Uncle
LeMontay some milk?
MANAGER
I thought I told you to get the
hell out of my theater!
35.
LEMONTAY
Why do you want me out of your
theater? Is it because I’m black?
Say it! An external nigga is
preferable to an internal nigga.
(Animated Sitcom)
"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
MATT LAUER is interviewing LeMONTAY REDMOND (black, 35).
MATT LAUER
Welcome back to the Today Show.
Sitting next to me is Grammy award
winning rapper and producer,
LeMontay Redmond.
LEMONTAY
Are you the gay guy on CNN?
MATT LAUER
No. That’s Anderson Cooper. I’m
Matt Lauer, and this is NBC.
LEMONTAY
I don’t give a fuck.
MATT LAUER
Anyways, thanks for getting up so
early to join us.
LEMONTAY
Are you saying that because I’m
black?
MATT LAUER
What do you mean?
LEMONTAY
You think black people like to
sleep late? You think they’re too
lazy to work, and they’d rather
stay in bed all day dreaming about
watermelon and collard greens? Are
you trying to say there’s a
correlation between blackness, and
unemployed-ness, and not getting up
early enough for this stupid cracka
ass show? You probably think Wesley
Snipes gets up at 12, Tiger Woods
is up at 9, and Conan O’Brien’s
pale white Irish ass is up and
feeding roosters at the crack of
dawn!
MATT LAUER
Alright. Let’s talk about your new
album.
2.
LEMONTAY
Well. I drop rhymes for 47 tracks.
And I use the word nigga 1,753
times. That’s a Guinness world
record. You know about the word
nigga--right, Matt Lauer? I’m sure
you use it more than I do, you
racist son of a bitch. You’re
actually the Guinness world nigga
record holder.
MATT LAUER
I’m not the record holder. I’m not
even in the top 10.
LEMONTAY
But you do say nigga a lot.
MATT LAUER
Well... No. I don’t use the n-word.
LEMONTAY
You want to call me a nigga right
now--don’t you, Matt Lauer?
MATT LAUER
No.
LEMONTAY
You’re calling me a nigga in your
head right now. Internally. Let me
tell you something, Matt Lauer. An
internal nigga is even more racist
than an external nigga. Only a real
racist would refrain from saying
nigga out loud, and say it
internally, and let the word and
the racism reside in his heart, and
grow into a racism tree, with nigga
branches, and anti affirmative
action leaves, and a pro-slavery
trunk. Say it externally, Matt
Lauer. Say it out loud. That’s who
you are. Say it loud. "I’m white
and I’m proud, and I think LaMontay
Redmond is a nigga." Say it, Matt
Lauer.
MATT LAUER
Fine. You want an external nigger?
Well then here you go. I can’t
stand your nigger ass. ... I mean,
um, so tell us about your new
movie.
3.
LEMONTAY
Fuck you, Matt Lauer.
MATT LAUER
Fuck you too, LeMontay Redmond.
(to camera)
OK. We have to take a commercial
break. But when we come back, I’m
gonna talk to Suzanne Summers about
her new line of scented candles.
INT. E! NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT
HOST
Earlier today, LeMontay Redmond
released a new triple album that he
says is gonna revolutionize music
and astrophysics, and reduce
unemployment in Detroit to three
and a half percent. And tonight is
the premiere of LeMontay’s first
ever movie. We’re gonna take you
live to that premiere right now,
and check in with LeMontay himself.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
A fancy movie premiere is taking place, with a red carpet,
limos, photographers, etc. LeMontay is standing with Scarlet
and an INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER
I’m here with LeMontay Redmond,
who’s accompanied, as always, by
his
LEMONTAY
In commemoration of the release of
my album and movie, I hereby
declare that today is an official
holiday. LeMontay Redmond Day. It’s
gonna be celebrated every year on
the Saturday before President’s
Day. Because George Washington is
the father of our country, and I’m
the father of, like, a bunch of
other shit. You know. Like I’m the
first person to tie bandanas around
my ankles, and I’m the first person
to walk on the moon.
4.
INTERVIEWER
Um. I think Neil Armstrong is the
first person to walk on the moon.
LEMONTAY
Man--the white man is always trying
to take credit for the black man’s
achievements. You know what? George
Washington isn’t the father of our
country. It’s actually George
Washington Carver--the black man
who also invented 1753 uses for a
peanut. He worked with peanuts, and
he also founded this country. In
fact, the original name of this
country is the United States of
Peanut. In 1776, the states all had
"peanut" in their names. New York
was New Peanut. West Virginia was
West Peanut. And Delaware was,
um... Dela-peanut. And the governor
was Della Reese. She was married to
George Washington Carver, and
together they invented Reese’s
peanut butter cups.
INTERVIEWER
Are you high on drugs right now?
LEMONTAY
Well. I might’ve taken some
Adderall and smoked some joints.
But Adderall and marijuana aren’t
drugs. They’re plants. I should
know--because I have an Adderall
tree growing in my backyard. Oh
yeah. I got you a LeMontay Redmond
Day card.
He hands her a card.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. OK. Thanks. And, uh, what
should people do on LeMontay
Redmond Day?
LEMONTAY
On LeMontay Redmond Day, it’s
customary to listen to my albums,
and eat two pounds of biscuits and
gravy.
5.
INTERVIEWER
I see. OK. You’ve produced albums,
you’ve rapped on albums, and now
you’ve starred in a Hollywood
feature film. What’s next for
LeMontay Redmond?
LEMONTAY
I’m gonna be the next Nelson
Nandela. I’m gonna, you know, do
some shit in Africa or something.
I’m gonna end the apartheid in
Nigeria.
INTERVIEWER
There’s no apartheid in Nigeria.
LEMONTAY
Well. I’m gonna find a white guy in
Nigeria, and I’m gonna beat white
ass, in an anti-apartheid manner.
You know. Because Nelson Nandela
was a great man.
INTERVIEWER
It’s Nelson Mandela--not Nelson
Nandela.
LEMONTAY
Are you saying that because I’m
black?
INT. LIMO - NIGHT
LeMontay, SCARLET (female, 30, white, attractive, big butt),
CALVIN (35, black), CHUCK (25, black), RANDY (35, white),
and three WOMEN (25-35, attractive) are in the back seat of
a limo.
CHUCK
(to LeMontay)
Yo man--that was movie was the
bomb. I’m just pissed off it was
only 183 minutes long. I mean,
you’re LeMontay Redmond. You got
too much greatness to fit into 183
minutes of film.
LEMONTAY
That’s what I told the studio--but
them niggas was trippin. I wanted a
988 minute film--but my director
James Cameron said to me,
6.
(in "white" voice)
"No one want to see your black ass
on screen for 988 minutes, you
nigger."
CALVIN
Man--your movie wasn’t directed by
James Cameron. It was directed by
Tyler Perry’s second cousin,
DeCarlos Perry.
LEMONTAY
Well. Some white people from the
studio called me a nigga. I
mean, they didn’t actually say it
out loud. But I could see it in
their eyes. In, like, the white
part of their eyes. It was saying
that shit. Internally. The whites
of their eyes were filled with
internal niggas. Racist ass
eye-whiteness. Yo--is there any way
I can get the whiteness removed
from my eyeballs, so they can be
100% black?
RANDY
You must be crazy.
LEMONTAY
No one asked for your opinion,
white boy. Look at your eyeballs,
man. They’re more racist than Matt
Lauer’s eyeballs.
RANDY
How am I racist? I’ve been one of
your best friends for 20 years.
LEMONTAY
Elementary, my dear cracker. It’s a
scientific fact that all white
people are racist.
RANDY
How the hell is that scientific?
LEMONTAY
Man. Isaac Newton proved that shit
when he saw an apple fall to the
ground. Except it wasn’t Isaac
Newton. It was
George Washington Carver--the
(MORE)
7.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
father of our country, and the
inventor of the
peanut prophylactic.
CHUCK
(to Randy)
Yeah, nigga. The inside of an apple
is 100% white. That’s why I eat
berries. The blacker the berry, the
sweeter the juice.
RANDY
What the fuck are you talking
about?
CHUCK
Physics, man. Open a book.
(to
Yo, man.
Let’s go
movie.
(to
What did
LEMONTAY
Everyone)
Enough science for today.
back to talking about my
Scarlet)
you think of it, baby?
SCARLET
It was so good. And any time you
were on screen, I was so turned on.
LEMONTAY
Me, too.
SCARLET
You were turned on when you saw
yourself on screen?
LEMONTAY
Yes. Is it because I’m black?
SCARLET
Um. I don’t know. Ask yourself.
INT. LEMONTAY’S HOME (BACKYARD) - NIGHT
A party is taking place. LeMontay walks up to JONAH HILL.
LEMONTAY
Jonah Hill! What up, homey?
8.
JONAH HILL
LeMontay! What’s cracking?
LeMontay gives him a hip hop handshake / hug.
LEMONTAY
Man--I love you, bro. You a legend.
Moneybad. Superball. The Wolf of
Walmart. And probably some other
shit, too.
JONAH HILL
Yeah. I have been in some other
shit. I’ve been in 30 other movies.
Like Moneyball, Superbad, and The
Wolf of Wall Street.
LEMONTAY
So what did you think of my movie?
JONAH HILL
It was, uh, great.
LEMONTAY
How many times have you seen it?
JONAH HILL
Once.
LEMONTAY
How come just once?
JONAH HILL
Because it just premiered. You
know. We all came here from the
premiere.
LEMONTAY
Still. You got two eyeballs and two
ears. You could’ve watched it twice
simultaneously.
JONAH HILL
Um. Well. I did.
LEMONTAY
Yo--let me ask you this. Do you
ever watch award shows?
JONAH HILL
Uh. Yeah.
9.
LEMONTAY
Don’t you hate it when there’s some
sort of award, and it goes to
someone who’s not me? You know what
I mean? You’re watching TV, and
they say, like, "The Country Music
Award for Best Album goes to...
Garth Brooks." And then you think,
"Oh--hell no! What about LeMontay
Redmond?"
JONAH HILL
But you’re not a country music
artist.
LEMONTAY
My music transcends all
genre-fications. You can’t
categorize the lunimosity of my
lyrics or the bestiality of my
beats--you know what I’m saying?
JONAH HILL
I don’t think anyone knows what
you’re saying.
LEMONTAY
The point is, all awards should go
to me--and be named after me, and
be presented by me. I should just
get up on stage and say, "Welcome
to the 1st Annual Daily LeMontay
Redmond Awards. I’m your host,
LeMontay Redmond. Let’s get to it.
The LeMontay Redmond award for
LeMontay Redmond goes to LeMontay
Muthafuckin Redmond. I’d like to
thank LeMontay Redmond..." You know
what I’m saying? That’s a
legitimate awards show. Not one
where Billy Crystal uses his white
eyeballs to read a teleprompter,
and then some white motherfucker
like Jonah Hill gets an award for
some dumbass movie he was in.
JONAH HILL
Um. I’m Jonah Hill.
LEMONTAY
I know. I love you, man. You a
legend. "It doesn’t even have a
first name! It just says McLovin!"
10.
JONAH HILL
Uh. OK. Well. Great party. I love
the biscuits and gravy. Uh. I think
I see Seth Rogen over there. I’m
gonna go say hi to him.
LEMONTAY
Cool. Tell that nigga I got a role
for him in my next movie.
JONAH HILL
OK. Alright. I’ll definitely tell
that nigga.
LEMONTAY
And I got a role for you too,
nigga.
JONAH HILL
Great. Fantastic. Although I’m kind
of booked for the next five years.
with other movies and stuff.
LEMONTAY
Like what?
JONAH HILL
Uh... 23 Jump Street. And, uh, 24
Jump Street. And, uh, 20 Jump
Street--the prequel to 21 Jump
Street.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. Can you get me in 23 Jump
Street?
JONAH HILL
Well. I’ll recommend you to the
producers and stuff.
LEMONTAY
Cool. And what about the Godfather
4?
JONAH HILL
Um--I’m not involved in that movie,
so I can’t get you in it.
LEMONTAY
No. I meant the two of us are gonna
film the Godfather 4 right now in
my living room.
11.
JONAH HILL
Well. I’d love to do that--but I’m
busy with, you know, 23 Jump
Street, and I have to go say hi to
Seth Rogan.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--get your white ass in that
living room before I beat your
white ass. We’re gonna start
shooting in 30 seconds. And before
we start, I want you to rub your
body in strawberry syrup. You’re
gonna
play Michael Corleone, muthafucka!
INT. MOVIE REVIEW SHOW - DAY
BILL (50, white) and JIM (50, white) are seated on a TV set.
JIM
...Gandhi 2 isn’t Jim Carrey’s best
film--but I do like the way he
manages to capture the physical
humor that Mahatma Gandhi was so
well known for. I give the movie
three and a half stars.
BILL
Me, too--except I give the movie
one star, because it’s fucking
stupid. OK. Next up is rapper
LeMontay Redmond’s debut film,
Bitches and Champagne. It was
co-written by Redmond
himself--which might explain why
the movie’s called Bitches and
Champagne, and why there’s a scene
where Redmond’s character stares at
his ass in a mirror for 27 minutes
while listening to the Rocky theme
song. And that brings up the
following question. What’s worse
about this movie: A--the writing,
or B--Redmond’s acting?
JIM
I’d say C--the 188 minute run time,
and D--all of the above. This movie
made me hate black people--which is
pretty amazing, considering how for
the past 23 years, I’ve been
(MORE)
12.
JIM (cont’d)
happily married to a black
woman--my soul mate, Cheryl. I’m
actually gonna file for divorce
after today’s show. And I’m gonna
call up Washington, and see if I
can switch my 2012 vote from Obama
to David Duke. So Bill, what do you
hate most about black people?
BILL
Well. I’m still OK with black
people. In fact, I’ve been sleeping
with your wife for the past three
years. But getting back to
Redmond’s movie, I really took
issue with the fact that every five
minutes, Redmond’s character kills
a white man or sleeps with a white
woman--and none of the killings or
the sex has any relevance to the
plot. Even in the scene where
Redmond stares at his ass for 27
minutes, he takes five short breaks
to kill white men and sleep with
white women.
INT. DMV - DAY
LeMontay, Calvin, Chuck, and Randy walk into a DMV. The
PEOPLE there stare at LeMontay.
LEMONTAY
(to Chuck and Randy)
You two nigga wait here while we
handle my business.
LeMontay and Calvin cut through the line as LeMontay tells
the people in it:
LEMONTAY
Get the fuck out of my way!
He reaches the front of the line, and looks at a DMV
EMPLOYEE (male, 25, white).
LEMONTAY
Yeah. It’s me.
DMV EMPLOYEE
who the hell are you?
13.
LEMONTAY
Who the hell am I? Who the hell are
you?
DMV EMPLOYEE
I’m Rob. I work at the DMV.
He hands him a slip of paper.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--just renew my drivers
license.
DMV EMPLOYEE
OK. Let’s see.
(looks at paper)
Lemon-tay Redmond.
LEMONTAY
It’s LeMONtay. Don’t you know how
to read?
DMV EMPLOYEE
Well. It’s just that your name is
spelled L-E-M-O-N-T-A-Y. So when I
saw the L-E-M-O-N, I though of
lemon.
LEMONTAY
Do I look like a citrus fruit
you? Can a citrus fruit renew
drivers license? Can a citrus
even get a drivers license in
first place?
to
a
fruit
the
DMV EMPLOYEE
I guess not.
LEMONTAY
Well then I guess my name ain’t
Lemon-tay. How the hell do you not
know who I am?! I’m the most famous
person the world! What the hell
does DMV stand for? Dumb
Motherfucking White Boy?
DMV EMPLOYEE
Um. "White boy" doesn’t start with
a V.
LEMONTAY
What the hell does DMV stand
for--Very Dumb Motherfucking White
(MORE)
14.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
Boy? There you go, There’s your V,
nigga. Very.
DMV EMPLOYEE
But it’s not the VDM. It’s the DMV.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
Randy is driving, while Calvin is in the passenger’s seat,
and LeMontay and Chuck are in the backseat.
LEMONTAY
Fucking VDM. They’re all crazy and
shit.
CHUCK
VDM? Isn’t it the DMV?
LEMONTAY
It’s the VDM--but white people
formed a conspiracy, and changed
its name to the DMV, and changed
the name of New Peanut to New York.
Yo--I need you to put some diamonds
and rims on my new drivers license.
CALVIN
Now that you got a renewed drivers
license, don’t you want to do a
little driving?
LEMONTAY
Nah, nigga. I love having Randy
drive. White man at the back of the
bus, baby.
CALVIN
What do you mean "white man at the
back of the bus?" Randy’s sitting
in the front.
LEMONTAY
But he’s driving. And he’s white.
CALVIN
Well then shouldn’t we say
something like "white man driving
Miss Daisy?"
15.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--do I look like Miss Daisy to
you?
CALVIN
No. I’m just saying...
LEMONTAY
I don’t look like Miss Daisy--or a
citrus fruit, for that
matter. That’s why I said "white
man at the back of the bus."
RANDY
Man--you straight up trippin’,
LeMontay. I’m a driver. I ain’t no
white man at the back of the bus.
LEMONTAY
Listen. When I want your cracker
commentary, I’ll ask you for it.
I’ll ring this bell,
(rings a servant’s bell)
and I’ll say, "Cracker--I want your
commentary."
RANDY
Whatever, man.
LEMONTAY
I’ll bet you want to call me a
nigga right now.
RANDY
Yes. That’s exactly what I want to
call you, nigga!
LEMONTAY
Man. If you weren’t one of my best
friends, I’d walk over to the back
of the bus right now and beat your
white ass.
RANDY
I ain’t at the back of no damn bus!
But if you want, I can pull over,
and you can try beat my white ass.
LEMONTAY
Who the hell do you think you are?
Rocky Marciano?
16.
RANDY
You think you can kick my ass?
LEMONTAY
I know I can kick your ass. Don’t
forget--I knocked out Evander
Holyfield in a sparring session.
RANDY
Was that before or after you walked
on the moon?
LEMONTAY
Fuck you, nigga. Chuck knows I
knocked out Holyfield.
(to Chuck)
Right?
CHUCK
Uh. Yeah. I heard from some very
reputable sources that you dropped
that nigga with a left hook.
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
You see?
RANDY
Yo. Chuck will agree with anything
you say. Because you’ve already
fired Chuck from your entourage 17
different times.
LEMONTAY
Hey. I fired Chuck because he was
having drug problems those 17
times, and I wanted him to get his
life in order.
(to Chuck)
Ain’t that right, Chuck?
CHUCK
Uh. Yeah. I had drug problems. And
I appreciate you firing me like
that. 17 different times.
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
You hear that, Randy? Did you hear
that, sitting all the way over
there at the back of the bus?
17.
RANDY
Whatever.
(to
Oh yeah.
you. How
over the
LEMONTAY
Chuck)
I’ve been meaning to ask
much did my movie make
weekend?
CHUCK
Well. Um. You know. It took in
money. It’s a movie. And it took in
money. Your movie took in money.
From moviegoers. Yeah. Moviegoers.
Then went to see your movie. And
they paid money to see your movie.
Just like they paid money to see
Titanic and Avatar. So yeah. Your
movie. It took in money. From
moviegoers. Yo man--you want to get
some biscuits and gravy?
LEMONTAY
Well how much money did my movie
take in?
CHUCK
Well. Uh. 125....
LEMONTAY
125 billion dollars?
CHUCK
Well. Basically, yes. Except it was
125 thousand dollars.
LEMONTAY
Oh. You mean 125 thousillion.
CHUCK
Uh. Pretty much. Except it wasn’t
125 thousillion so much as it was
125 thou-sand.
LEMONTAY
125 thou-sand? That don’t sound
like no number one movie.
CHUCK
Uh. Well. You know what? It was the
number one movie in Shuquasia.
18.
LEMONTAY
What the fuck is Shuquasia?
CHUCK
It’s, uh--it’s a continent.
LEMONTAY
I ain’t never heard of no damn
Shuquasia. If the movie did so well
in Shuquasia, then how come it only
made $125,000?
CHUCK
Well. You know. It’s the exchange
rates between Shuquasian currency
and the US dollar. Because the
Shuquasian deutschmark ain’t got as
much deutsch-ness as it used to.
LEMONTAY
Well. Let’s talk about the American
box office. How well did the movie
do in America? Was it in the top
five?
CHUCK
Well. Yes and no.
LEMONTAY
What the fuck does that mean?
CHUCK
Well. Yes it was in the top 37, and
no it wasn’t in the top five. But,
you know. It was number one in
Shuquasia.
LEMONTAY
Fuck Shuquasia! What was number one
in America?
CHUCK
Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Cracker ass penguins!
CALVIN
Actually, penguins are half black
and half white.
19.
LEMONTAY
Half cracker ass penguins. I’m
gonna handle this shit.
(to Randy)
White boy at the back of the bus. I
need you to drive me to work.
RANDY
You mean the recording studio?
LEMONTAY
Nah, nigga. I’m fi’in to get myself
a new job.
INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY
A WOMAN and her two CHILDREN (6, 8) are at the front of the
line
WOMAN
One adult and two children for
Penguin Power.
LeMontay is working the ticket booth.
LEMONTAY
Nah. You don’t want to see that
shit. You don’t want to see a bunch
of penguins having gay sex. You
want to see my movie.
WOMAN
My kids want to see Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Listen, lady. I ain’t bullshitting
here. You better watch my movie,
and not some Peter piper Penguin
Power ridiculousness.
WOMAN
Your movie isn’t a children’s
movie.
LEMONTAY
I’m done talking to you.
(to 6 year old Child)
Yo. What movie do you want to see?
CHILD 1
Penguin Power.
20.
LEMONTAY
But I’m not in Penguin Power.
CHILD 1
You’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
What did you say?!
CHILD 1
You’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
You better get your preschool ass
in that theater and watch my movie.
CHILD 1
I’m not in preschool. I’m in
kindergarten.
LEMONTAY
Well who the hell graduated your
ass from preschool? You clearly
don’t know shit. I should beat your
ass.
(to Woman)
(flirtatiously)
So, uh--what are you doing later
tonight? If you drop by my crib at
7:30, I’ll let you let me have sex
with you.
WOMAN
You just threatened to beat my
kid’s ass.
LEMONTAY
Right. So bring him with you, and
I’ll beat his ass after we have
sex.
She takes some pepper spray out of her purse, and sprays him
in the eye. He reels from it, and rubs his eyes.
The theater’s MANAGER (male, white, 40) walks up to
LeMontay.
MANAGER
Excuse me. You don’t work here.
LEMONTAY
Nigga--I got pepper in my eyes!
21.
MANAGER
I’m not a nigger. I’m white.
LEMONTAY
I don’t give a fuck what you are,
nigga!
MANAGER
Well do you give a fuck that I’m
the manager of this theater, and I
want you out of here?
LEMONTAY
So you’re the motherfucker who’s
only playing my movie on one of
your screens instead of all 15 of
your screens. Why is that? Is it
because I’m black?
MANAGER
No. It’s because your movie is
called Bitches and Champagne, and
no one wants to see it.
LEMONTAY
I don’t think you understand. It’s
a movie where I stare at my ass in
a mirror.
MANAGER
I don’t think you understand.
That’s not a movie. That’s just a
video of you staring at your ass.
LEMONTAY
But I also kill white men, and
sleep with white women. You know.
It’s a superhero movie.
MANAGER
You better get out of my theater.
LEMONTAY
Gladly. Why would i want to spend
time in a rinky dink kitchen sink
theater like this? I’m LeMontay
Muthafuckin Redmond. I’ll buy my
own movie theater. Now hand me a
Sprite, so I can wash this pepper
out of my eyes.
22.
MANAGER
We only have 7 UP--not Sprite.
MAN IN THEATER
(to LeMontay)
You’re actually supposed to use
milk to wash out pepper spray. I
know, because I’ve been pepper
sprayed 173 times. I always carry a
container of milk with me.
LEMONTAY
Well hand it over!
MAN IN THEATER
OK--but don’t use all of it. I’m
probably gonna need it later, when
I get pepper sprayed by my
ex-girlfriend.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
RANDY
So how was work?
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. Take me to Shuquasia. And
then afterwards, drive back to
America and take me to
kindergarten.
CHUCK
Uh. Why do you want to go to
Shuquasia?
LEMONTAY
I have the number one movie there.
I want to watch it with all of my
Shuquasian fans.
CHUCK
Well, uh--you can’t go to
Shuquasia.
LEMONTAY
Why not?
CHUCK
You know. ’Cuz, uh, it’s, uh,
they--in Shuquasia, there’s, um, a
lot of... uh... communism. They
got communism. A lot of it. It’s a
communist country.
23.
LEMONTAY
I thought you said Shuquasia was a
continent.
CHUCK
Well. Yeah. It’s both. Like
Australia. Shuquasia is a country
and a continent. They got kangaroos
there.
LEMONTAY
No wonder their currency is all
fucked up and shit. They got
kangaroos and communism.
CHUCK
Yeah. You know how all that
kangaroo communist currency is.
It’s all fucked up. Ain’t got no
deutsch in the deutschmark.
RANDY
(to LeMontay)
So where should we go?
LEMONTAY
Yo. Take me to kindergarten.
RANDY
Kindergarten?
LEMONTAY
Yeah, man.
RANDY
Why? Are you going back to school
to get your kindergarten degree?
LEMONTAY
I already have a kindergarten
degree, nigga! I’m going to
kindergarten to deal with the root
of all of this Penguin Power
bullshit.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a classroom,
and see a TEACHER (female, 40, black).
24.
LEMONTAY
Yo. Is this kindergarten?
TEACHER
Yes.
LEMONTAY
Are you the teacher?
TEACHER
Yeah.
LEMONTAY
You’re not educating your students
properly.
CHUCK
(to Teacher)
That’s right! You’re not educating
your students properly.
TEACHER
(to LeMontay and Chuck)
What makes you say that?
LEMONTAY
Because they don’t know jack shit
about George Washington Carver, and
they want to watch some dumb ass
movie about penguins, instead of my
dumb ass movie about alize.
CHUCK
Alize!
TEACHER
(to LeMontay)
Is your dumb ass movie a children’s
movie?
LEMONTAY
Why do people keep on asking me
that shit?
TEACHER
Because you want children to see
your movie.
LEMONTAY
It’s not a children’s movie per se.
It’s a movie movie that contains
stuff that kids should see.
25.
TEACHER
Like what?
LEMONTAY
Like the scene where I pour alize
on a stripper.
CHUCK
Alize!
TEACHER
(to LeMontay)
Can you leave now?
LEMONTAY
Listen. I got a good idea. Tomorrow
at 12, get all of this school’s
students in the auditorium, so I
can tell them what’s what, and
teach them what they need to learn.
Oh. I’ll bring the alize and the
stripper.
TEACHER
Um. I’m afraid we can’t let you
speak in front of the students, or
get within 100 yards of them, you
freaking lunatic.
LEMONTAY
It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?
You think black people can’t
educate students.
TEACHER
Um. I’m black, too. So is our
principal.
LEMONTAY
He sounds like a real Uncle Tom.
TEACHER
He’s the civil right leader who
bailed Rosa Parks out of jail in
the 60s.
LEMONTAY
Look at your eyeballs. You want to
call me a nigga--don’t you?
TEACHER
No.
26.
LEMONTAY
An internal nigga is more racist
than an external nigga.
TEACHER
What the hell are you talking
about?
LEMONTAY
Break yo self!
She takes a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse, and
sprays LeMontay in the face.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY
LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a high School
office where a SECRETARY and PRINCIPAL ROBINSON (male, 62)
are working.
LEMONTAY
What up, Hartville High? I’m back.
(to Principal Robinson)
Principal Robinson. What up homey?
It’s me--LeMontay Redmond. Class of
96, baby.
CALVIN
And it’s me, Calvin
Critterion--Class of 97.
CHUCK
And me, Chuck Robinson--Class of
98.
LEMONTAY
(to Chuck)
Nigga--you ain’t in no Class of 98.
You didn’t even go to this school.
And you’re only 25. I should take
your young ass back to that
kindergarten.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
LeMontay. You’re not exactly part
of the class of 96.
LEMONTAY
What makes you say that, nigga?
27.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
Because you didn’t graduate, and
you used your textbook pages to
roll joints, and you threatened to
kill me, and you named your last
album "Fuck Hartville High, and
Double Fuck Principal Robinson."
LEMONTAY
Anyways, I’m gonna talk to all your
students today. You know. I’m gonna
educate them and shit, since you
niggas obviously ain’t doing a good
job.
PRINCIPAL ROBINSON
(to LAURA THE SECRETARY)
Laura--can I see your purse for a
second?
LAURA
Uh--sure.
She hands him her purse. He takes a bottle of pepper spray
out of hit, and sprays LeMontay in the face.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man! Someone get me some milk
to put in my eyes, so I can
counteract all this pepper shit.
CHUCK
Where the fuck am I gonna get milk?
LEMONTAY
This is a school, nigga. Just go to
the cafeteria.
CHUCK
OK. You want lowfat, whole milk, or
chocolate milk?
LEMONTAY
Whole milk!
CHUCK
You want me to get you a donut,
too?
LEMONTAY
Just get the milk, motherfucker!
28.
RANDY
I’ll have a donut.
CHUCK
Alright. That’s one whole milk, one
donut, and one choco taco for me.
CALVIN
Yo, man. Get me a donut, too.
INT. LEMONTAY’S HOME - DAY
LEMONTAY
So did you contact the other
schools?
CALVIN
Yeah.
LEMONTAY
Alright. How many schools want me
to speak to their students?
CALVIN
Well. Zero.
LEMONTAY
You mean zero illion schools?
CALVIN
Well. I guess.
LEMONTAY
Alright. that’s a lot of schools.
Which one should I go to first?
CALVIN
Zero illion is the same as zero.
Zero schools want you to speak to
their students.
LEMONTAY
Well how many schools did you
contact?
CALVIN
All of them.
LEMONTAY
Yo, man. This is straight up
bullshit. Damn schools don’t want
kids to learn. They want them to
(MORE)
29.
LEMONTAY (cont’d)
watch penguin movies. Yo--get me on
the Today Show. I gotta take on the
conspiracy.
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
MATT LAUER
Alright. I’m here with rapper,
producer, and actor LeMontay
Redmond. LeMontay--let me start by
apologizing for calling you the
n-word the other day.
LEMONTAY
Hey. You were just saying what you
were thinking.
MATT LAUER
No I wasn’t.
LEMONTAY
An external nigga is preferable to
an internal nigga.
MATT LAUER
Anyways. Let’s talk about your
movie Bitches and Champagne. It
didn’t do particularly well at the
box office.
LEMONTAY
Well--it’s an art film. So
artistically speaking, we were
going after art, and not box
offices. A box office is a type of
office, and not a type of art. I
think artistically, we did what we
set out to do with the movie. And
box office-ally, we didn’t set out
to do nothing with the movie box
office-ally--because once again,
Bitches and Champagne is an art
film, and not a box office film.
Fuck boxes, and fuck offices. I
don’t live in a cardboard box, and
I don’t go to no damn office. I’m a
true artist. If I focused on ticket
sales, I wouldn’t be no true
artist--you know what I’m saying?
30.
MATT LAUER
Alright. Let’s talk about your new
album, Bitches, Champagne and Ho’s.
It finished number one on the
Billboard charts.
LEMONTAY
Well--I think that’s a testament to
how great of an album it is. You
know that I’m saying? The proof is
in the pudding, and the pudding is
in the record sales, and the record
sales are through the roof--so I
got proof, and I got pudding, and
that’s proof that I’m the greatest
rapper of all time. I mean, the
Billboard numbers don’t lie. I
believe in two Bills: Billboard,
and Bill Clinton. And
Billboardically speaking, I’m the
greatest rapper ever, and Bill
Clinton is greatest President ever.
Except for Obama. That should be
the new Mount Rushmore. Me, Bill
Clinton, Obama, and Nelson
Nandela. And the Hoover Dam should
be renamed the Scarlet Weatherly
Dam--’cause damn my girlfriend’s
got a big butt. That’s
indisputable. You can dispute a lot
of things--but the size of that
woman’s butt ain’t subject to no
disputations. It’s always,
"Damn--she got a big butt." ’Cause
damn--she got a big butt. But I
don’t know about no Hoover. I never
looked at a Hoover vacuum and
thought, "Damn that vacuum cleaner
got a big butt." But I ain’t here
to talk about my album, or a dam,
or my girlfriend’s butt.
MATT LAUER
Then what are you here to talk
about?
LEMONTAY
We need to free Shuquasia from the
chains of communism, so that we can
inject some deutsch into
their deutschmarks.
31.
MATT LAUER
What?
LEMONTAY
Actually, what I meant to say was
"education." I’m here to talk about
education. I went ahead and studied
the educational system. And it’s
straight up garbage. I wrote a song
about it.
(rapping)
School is wack, and so is Busta
Rhymes / Busta Rhymes--fuck that
nigga / School don’t teach you
nuthin’ ’bout nuthin’ / You’d be
better off reading a pumpkin / K
through 12, and you’re ignorant /
Can’t make a dollar out of 15 cents
/ A dime and a nickel / Rob Van
Winkle / Fuck Vanilla Ice and fuck
Busta Rhymes / Don’t go to school
unless it is mine
MATT LAUER
OK. So what exactly are you saying?
LEMONTAY
Education is all fucked up. And
there’s a conspiracy in place
that’s keeping it the way it is.
And that’s why every time I try to
reform education, I end up getting
pepper sprayed in the eye. But you
know what? No more pepper spray.
He puts on a pair of goggles.
LEMONTAY
I, LeMontay Redmond, am gonna
revolutionize education in America
by starting my own school. The
LeMontay Redmond School of
Education. It’s a school where we
teach you education, and learning,
and educationally, we teach you and
educate you. Both. We teach. We
educate. I’m the Principal, and I
got a stripper as the Vice
Principal.
MATT LAUER
So where exactly is this school
gonna be?
32.
LEMONTAY
It ain’t gonna be nowhere. I got a
better plan in mind.
INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY
LEMONTAY
(to Randy)
Yo. Take me to PBS studios.
INT. SESAME STREET SET - DAY
BIG BIRD
Today we’re gonna learn about
farms.
LeMontay punches Big Bird in the face.
LEMONTAY
No we’re not, motherfucker! I’m
putting an end to the educational
conspiracy aimed at making kids
want to watch dumb movies about
penguins. Sesame Street is now the
home of the
LeMontay Redmond School of
Education.
BIG BIRD
So you don’t want kids to learn
about farms?
LEMONTAY
Do I look like old MacDonald? Do
you hear a quack quack here and a
quack quack there? Here a quack,
there a quack--ain’t no quack
quacks up in this motherfucker.
Kids don’t need to know about
farms. Look at me. I’m LeMontay
Redmond. I’m the wealthiest, most
successful person on the planet.
And the only thing I know about
farms is that that’s where they
grow citrus fruit and burritos.
BIG BIRD
Actually, they don’t grow burritos
on farms.
33.
LEMONTAY
Oh. So you have a problem with me
dating a white woman?
BIG BIRD
Uh. No.
LEMONTAY
(to camera)
Anyways, children. Today, Uncle
LeMontay is gonna teach you some
shit you need to know. Not
farmology. I’m gonna teach you why
you shouldn’t watch a dumb ass
movie about penguins.
(to Big Bird)
Where’s Elmo?
BIG BIRD
He’s, uh, over there.
LEMONTAY
Elmo! Get your ass over here,
nigga.
ELMO
Hi, everybody.
LEMONTAY
Elmo. Tell all of our viewers why
penguin movies are bullshit.
ELMO
Um. I thought we were gonna talk
about farms.
LEMONTAY
Do I look like a burrito to you? We
ain’t talking about no farms. Now
tell our viewers why penguin movies
are bullshit.
ELMO
But Elmo likes penguin movies.
LEMONTAY
Elmo’s about to get his ass kicked.
34.
INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY
LeMontay is once again working the ticket stand. Another
WOMAN with two CHILDREN is at the front of the line.
WOMAN 2
One adult and two children for
Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Penguin Power? But I done educated
kids on how penguin movies are
bullshit.
WOMAN 2
My kids want to see Penguin Power.
LEMONTAY
Your kids ain’t educated.
(to Kids)
Kids--don’t you want to see my
movie Bitches and Champagne?
CHILD 3
Aren’t you the guy who was on
Sesame Street?
LEMONTAY
Yeah. That’s me. LeMontay Redmond.
Uncle LeMontay.
CHILD 3
You punched Elmo. You’re a pee-pee
head.
CHILD 4
Yeah--you’re a pee pee head.
LEMONTAY
(to Woman)
Yo--you want to have sex?
The Woman take a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse and
sprays LeMontay in the eyes.
LEMONTAY
Yo kids! Can you bring Uncle
LeMontay some milk?
MANAGER
I thought I told you to get the
hell out of my theater!
35.
LEMONTAY
Why do you want me out of your
theater? Is it because I’m black?
Say it! An external nigga is
preferable to an internal nigga.
