Los Angeles (The Angels)

Los Angeles

(The Angels)

1990

by K. F. Oelke

Copyright 2008

Prélude......................................................... 6 Cast of characters and places.................................. 35 Los Angeles.................................................... 47

For Diomar

`Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT'S the great puzzle!'

Alice in Wonderland

Prélude

The night stars flicker through the dock lights; the sea water gently lapping sparkles. I feel as if I'd She comes to

fasted for forty one days, of emptiness.

me, as though unveiling an ineffable dream, bare arms, parted lips. alone. We are going to take a voyage, or perhaps I

She kisses me, allays my worries, motions to the Her hair streaks

vessel and says it must be ready.

black; I look beyond it in the shadows of the buildings outlined darkly, and then turn and take in the harbor, the wooden flooring of the dock, the thick wooden pylons, and the masts, still stripped of their sails, silhouetted against the night. I drag my foot along the coarse wood,

walking now, the moist, brimy air. Looking back there is a very long dream of demence. A deserted gravel road still curves up through the forest in the rain; it's dark and cold and I'm running after

someone or something.

Then I'm walking in horror, a dark I

room, an invitation to a voyage, a knock on the door.

answer and it's this young girl; she flattens herself against me, a virgin's kiss, and behind her back she passes me a note, the dark shadows of the walls caving in on me and oppressing. I give myself in to her desire,

going down long flights of stairs in a large building; the trickle of a small stream of water stops me to

listen. I'm walking with her, she's unknown, nothingness on the edges; the luxury of the dark room beckons or

imposes. This twists; we are coming back together, when I return I say; a cheap hotel room, mottled light. We've

come to the river's edge, the dark current; I cup her pale breast and we wait for the depths to open, one star, and in our minds the figures come of stone imbedded, a frail green dress reveals as through thick glass, jaded, long blond hair. The girls We cannot flee or ascend. like gypsies living in a small white

shack. I knock and then knock again, and finally Kathy answers, but I don't want to see Kathy, only Leona, I've brought her a present, a little book, but she's too busy to come out. Kathy moves past me going out, upset, I

turn and watch her as she runs away.

It's lunch time but

I won't eat, a symbol of matter that I can't absorb, ecstasy and death. There's a slight wind and I feel the She had taken me deep inside this Hidden steps that go down

intuition of a kiss.

dark and dusty movie theater.

and up, hollow space, and the empty screen; the dark back corners where we had caressed to the white images, the cold lobby. Somehow I thought she knew something that I had

perhaps only vaguely perceived, that for some reason she held some sort of answer; the essences mixed, the

understanding in her almond shaped eyes lacked symbolic structure. There's a door and a narrow stairway and wood

walls, exactly like in the theater, and which led to the projection room; they're trying to seduce me; they have the note and so they think they've a chance, a very beautiful black girl, full and ripe, a living room party, and then it's only she and I, and she has the note. I'm

putting my hand in her pants and we're twisting on the bed, Laelia, a luring reflection in the half-light. I'm on acid, the turmoil, walking down this street; it's very dark, a narrow alley between a building and a wall, and passing through, an old wooden hotel. We're

tripping, running in this field; two girls are naked and I glimpse the white back of one running and I think to run after her so she won't feel naked or alone, intimacy, her fair skin and hair. The bare earth breathing in the I

night; I sit alone, nerves on edge, hour after hour.

might seduce her, mid-summer smells and light, but that never really materializes. The hidden fire simmers, like

a reflection in a mirror, broken engagements aligned one after the other. Silence, the same formulas repeat, and

which should take me from one level to another; they start to effect a change and it wears off, and then I can't get in or out. The empty sensuality, the car by I

the side of the road, a pond, images lost in the dust.

am anxiously trying to maneuver myself into position, the spiral spins, the winds circle down; crystalline water rushes through, shatters the agony. Virgin night, a dark path that appears to lead

nowhere in the shades of black and grey.

There's a

stream flowing across this large, broad plain; I come upon it from the downstream side; across the plain one can vaguely see two waterfalls; it seems to be winter. Yesterday a woman's voice reminded me how a singer can enchant, rauque, deep and rich with a lovelorn

melancholy, the clipped accents of latin passion. to leave on a trip, and it's a forced separation.

I have

The boat in the ocean was caught in a storm; the giant swells that swept over the deck, the gales that ripped out the masts and rigging, and finally, the jagged rocks of a shoreline that splintered its parts in the turbulent water. Miraculously, some of the passengers are washed up on the rocks, and in the cold dark windy night the villagers are tossing them ropes, but many are too exhausted to avail themselves, and some are wiped back off the rocks, the shores of time, the black swirling pool, one jagged lifeless tree. Memories rip, sheered off; she moves away from me, artificial. Anxiously I move through each phase, as

though I were lowering myself step by step down a dark narrow shaft, groping in the dampness. An analogy drawn, Something has people are

a solitary veiled lamp, spirals inward. happened in the background, from

which

running; some stop, look forward and backward, hesitate. Everything happens embedded in nothingness. over the horizon. The memories fade away. They pass

I don't know where I was or why, but I'm returning to the city, and it's changed; it feels the same, but the

whole layout is different, even the access. three days a faint feeling or

For the last of

background

voluptuousness keeps coming back, edging through to the rippling surface of appearance, like an opulent blond in a dress of yellow and white and adorned with precious stones, and a sad open meadow, and now I sit alone in grayness. Dead traces of memory of which I would wish a

baroque rosace, small, disorganized, twisted and ornate. I watch her shadow, her dark steps, going slowly away from me perhaps, the old house in the distance. hurrying into this house, twisting the latch Then I'm on the

screen door; this is the third day or the third time and the owner is due any moment, and I shouldn't be there. I

was somewhere before this but I don't remember where. The screen door wouldn't open like it was supposed to so I had to force it, and so I'm worried about that also. Maybe this is where I live but now the rooms are full of strange people who are sleeping on the floor. My lover

isn't there; it is night and I look around in the dark. Time melts away; I push and rub against her,

standing against the wall.

I think of this park, cold

and wet, winter, and a small lake; mostly I went there in a brilliant and desolate solitude; now Sherri is over by

her car waiting for me; she is blond and warm.

In my

emptiness I am drawn to her, like the radiation of a dream; there's a small young tree and the rest is vague. I want to lift the veil on her stream of consciousness, as it passes, and somehow touch her. She seems nature,

in the image of death, an eternal memory of the universe; her passing through each mask augments my despair, a nervous dispense, her bare outstretched arms, her parted lips, the cold, moist night air; the masks become the essence of frail consuming life. I reflect; I've gone

far off into the wilderness, maybe too far, cold mountain peeks off in the distance; maybe I start to panic, maybe I wake up. A dark ages, the day is within the night. Nomadic,

walking in the forest, I come upon two girls who are staying in a tent. other. We are starting to get to know each

Dream-like, an expanse is opening out, barren The

rocks in silent sand, frazzled nerves, failure. dream fragments in disease.

Mother has gone to Mexico to

live, in this area of islands and lakes; she shows me on a map, the waters, the pools, the dark unconscious

currents.

We are going out to dinner to celebrate her I've been

going on the trip, only she is really dead.

seeing this woman romantically, who reminds me of an actress I knew, now I can't even remember her name; I'm living in an apartment in Paris, and I can no longer pay the rent, so I think about asking her if I can live with her. Perhaps it's her, perhaps another, there's a

perfect kiss, her mouth is open just the right amount, with just the perfect suction, continuing for a very long time, but completely disembodied. Fine strands of desire

and watery remembrance are interwoven or disentangled, each wasted thread. I've realized that I'd been there before, except coming from the other direction, and another point of view, which is why I hadn't noticed until now, and I remember that after this uneven craggy part it smoothes out, which helps to allay my anxiety. A wish dissolving;

I've been diagnosed as schizophrenic, a dream in dark moonlight. There can't be any carryover of any kind,

otherwise the name, his work, is subsumed. I'm walking on this sidewalk or getting out of a car. There's a black girl with this guy. Now I'm with I

her, and we're waiting for something, it's night.

can't remember what we're waiting for; it's sort of like we've been thrown together for the night. I really like

her.

She's quite beautiful and strong, but I think she finds in me too fine or too a adolescent. away and I'm I'm

probably sitting

this

car

and

she's

ways

thinking I want her and even though I don't think she'll go for it I'm deciding to go ahead and make a pass. despair, dying eyes. I'm sitting on this house door step, a wood house, little more than a shack, and it seems like I'm in Paris. The city has taken on airs of the apocalypse, the streets are muddy, dirty and dark, crime ridden. My sister is Some

very concerned about my safety because I'll probably be out all night. We make an agreement that I'll be back by

eleven the next day or we'll say that I'm somewhere else. There's maybe the vague I idea to of my staying out at a the

girlfriend's

place.

start

walk

across

street, it's a wasteland.

I notice something with my my The

heel and I bend around to see what's the matter; sister is watching; my shoe has started to come off.

flesh is rotting, distortions of a rigid tragic outlay, a thwarted romance. I'm putting together this big map of Paris in the back of a station wagon. I'm moving around in the back

of this car and moving things like coats around back

there to accommodate the sections of the map that I'm taping together. I'm always alone when I travel; a large

European train station, metal girded arches and a glass roof; waiting for the train to come in, one comes in and then another; this time someone is with me; he says it's the number 1 over there and so we start over there. We're going to the train and this guy goes by us trying to sell a beer that he doesn't want, which is probably a front for something else, drugs; my companion asks about the beer and the other thing, but the guy clams up about the drug; I guess he doesn't trust my companion;

hallucinogens, ground, the being undermined, a delirious obsession. The scene returns again and again during the

night; this deadly sleep in matter, space spreads out against my disbelief; almost like thoughts spanning out in concentric circles, like a disturbance of a water's surface, and each image is effaced almost irretrievably. I'm with this girl. her to tell me where It's like I'm trying to force this thing is; it's like her

friend's or lover's and she won't tell me; we're in this cave and we had to climb up this side of a hill to get there. was a Maybe she's in the deal with me after all. There stunted tree by the cave entrance, and the

landscape is like an old western desert.

I keep asking

about the key or the clue, saying where is it, where can it be, again and again, with a feeling of spiritual duress on her part, and an insistence on mine, but this is without reality, that is, I don't seem to be actually forcing her. ocher desert. this complex, Meaning a standstill in the center of an I've resigned myself to the recurrence of part of the metaphysics of tainted

darkness. I was sitting in this booth in a restaurant with Carol and there was some confusion about who I was going to sleep with or maybe it was after we broke up, and I was thinking who I'd like to have a relation with; I've

already more or less decided on this one girl, and I picture her place which seems like fifties style, and she's got a daughter. We leave the restaurant, and I I go out on the

arrive home, a small wood beach house.

porch to look at the ocean, and it's crashing heavily, it's hard to tell how high the waves are but they're big. I start to approach; there were dunes in the vista but now there are none. another wave comes I notice that the shore is muddy, and goes by and the ground is

slipping, and I'm being drawn into the wave, and I fight

to get back up the shore, and now I've fallen, lying down and sliding, symbols of matter, arcanes of despair

crushed in the froth. I'm at this house for a tea; we're in the kitchen talking, two girls and their mother. library so I have to excuse myself. I want to go to the They appreciate my

company but for some reason I don't expect to return for some time. Underneath a dark empty sky waters trickle The trip to the

silver, Laelia, antithesis of a star.

tropics has been aborted; I have to get back; crawling past. Then I'm on an ocean liner, leaving the tropics, I'm worried about my I'm back in the room

and I'm trying to get to my cabin. ticket but then it doesn't matter. and the dream dissolves.

The body weakens, deprived, a

dark, cold empty shell; the voyage to Cythère, empty baroque jouissance. The night is splayed out in dark I'm in a two story wooden The

hallways with wooden floors.

resort hotel; there's the street and then the ocean. blue vault seems like a crypt, shades the

almost

colorless corporeal stains. I'm going home; my building has a very high wall, and there seem to be some decorations engraved on it. The stone-like path which leads to the apartment goes by

this wall and seems like it's very deep, overhead is covered by a canopy of trees; there are lots of wind chimes. A woman meets me outside. I vaguely remember she leads me to the is modern and

her, I nod, she says, good evening; door and I open it. The

apartment

spacious.

There's a strange lack of atmosphere or mood;

the woman is perhaps a lover, but she hasn't been for very long, like a recent pickup, and there's this sort of treatment that she seems to want, and it doesn't seem to emanate from my desire, like a role she insists on

following. There are traces of lust in the façade, an edge of indifference, soft breasts lifted in absolute and darkening despair. Outside it seems like a wasteland. I've got some

grass and I'm going back home to smoke it, and I was being very careful not to get caught, a very paranoid atmosphere. I am sitting on my bed next to my nightstand; there aren't any windows in the room. Stairs go down, a

small metro opening, cement; sometimes walking in the metro corridors the space becomes more consistent, the light substantial. I look at the plan of the metro on

the wall, then nothing, finding my destination, but not being able to remember my origin; after a while I think

about asking someone to help me, but they really can't. In this underground Lilith takes away my time; I can't remember, her pale breast, nothingness. her slender waist and the bare dream She has hidden There's at a the

shoulders. escapes,

bottomless roots. into

abyss;

renewal

There's a vague sense of the ocean. I'm going this hotel lobby with this other person who

recommends this hotel; he says it's a little cheaper than the one where I'm at. I'm alone, no, he is looking for

the entry way, he remembers; it's a very modern dark glass door in a wall made of large stones and cement; the area around is like a Japanese garden. In a way she had slept with the bourgeois narcotic. It's after work and I'm waiting for the bus; the two-lane road curves gradually as it goes by. I'm worried because

no bus seems to come and there are a lot of people waiting. I'm looking at a billboard that is also the bus route. second. I might have to take two buses I think for a Now I'm standing in the doorway of the bus, the The bus starts going right away on the

door is closed.

curve; there's a Y in the road and he takes the right side; at first I'm worried about reaching my destination, but then I think that the bus is going there. I seem to

be going to where I live down the hill, near the sea, a one room apartment, perhaps a little worker's type

restaurant.

There is this young blond woman standing

next to me on the bus and it is crowded such that our faces are very close together. I look at her and find

her attractive, a fine pointed nose, almond blue eyes, an oval face, very typically English. It's a small English Our

seashore town, a church by the way, the houses. faces are very close together.

I'm looking at her, and

she's sort of looking at me, like with a bias, so I wouldn't notice. Her friend seems to be standing near Our faces

by, and she seems to condone the intimacy.

start brushing first one side and then the other; I'm feeling this complex of not knowing whether she wants me to touch her or not, and even at the end she really hasn't dispelled all the doubt. if I could put them on her body. Then my hands, I wonder I set one lightly, and

then the other; she doesn't respond negatively, and in fact she seems to come into me completely. The rest of

the world has gone away, we start to embrace, she wraps a leg around mine to draw me nearer, we're about to kiss but we still have our clothes on, long heavy coats. Outside, a baroque nightfall. Broken engagements, the

feelings are displaced and reflected, loss and desire. Also I was somewhere else, I can't remember well now, maybe a nightclub; it's from there that I'd called that girl Patricia. I had to leave a message on the

answering machine, so I said how much I wanted to see her, how urgent and pressing it was and how impassioned I was; sexually it was urgent, like when I was younger, and she was giving me the runaround. I'm reminded of symbols

interspersed in vast open spaces; the same scene slips away. This girl and I are going to make love; we have

this car but it's too small; we're in this supermarket parking lot. I'm trying to arrange the car so we can

make love, I really want to; it's dark but not night; cars are going by constantly, but I consider the idea seriously, then I think again about doing it inside the car but really there'd be no room, and I want room to move about. I don't know who the girl is and she hasn't We take this gravel road out to the

said anything.

outskirts of town; lured to the shores of beauty, broken on the lack of appearance; the spiral closes, involuted. It all comes from somewhere, like a thousand mile trail through the wilderness, the Oregon Trail perhaps, one of the early expeditions down the Amazon River, of a

year or more, points of reference, the rain passes over my mortal fingers, a sequence of hallucination; it falls, I pick it up and then it falls again. The whole scene

was really between me and this lady who was young, pretty and intelligent, and who seemed to show some interest in me. I'm going on this train very far inland or upstream,

but I give up and turn around; it's very dark, medieval; a European train. I decide to sleep; I glimpse out the

window, fields, clearings in the woods, and I'm thinking I won't come back here for quite a while. The train

stops, I lift the corner of the curtain and glimpse the station through the window; there's no one, the train doesn't stop; I don't get up, I guess I figure on

sleeping till I get back to this place, it's very dark; the shadows join into the ferns, like wandering aimlessly in a cold forest, an antique temple, some vague

recognition.

It seems like it's dark but it's not. I

don't know why we were there; this whole sequence is delirious; folding visions retreating along a path, an attractive naked woman, a doorway; the symbols entangle themselves. I've arrived at home; it seems like I've been away for a while; I'm looking over my house, a very large old

wooden split-level on the edge of the sea.

I turn and go

back towards the house, a fantastic old structure from the outside, but I never go in, I see the keys hanging in the door. Hidden moods curl around me. The dark bay,

empty with hopeless finality, tender white breasts, death severs the ties. I'm on this bus going back to Oregon from far enough away to the east. Then two girls come on, maybe just one

girl, now I remember, one girl wants to move to the seat in front of mine; it's her ploy so she will be closer to me and be able to flirt with me; her friend was sitting in another seat, and they both move or only one. She's

moving over by my seat, kind of stretches her body out, standing by my seat, she's hot. going to start talking to her. I'm thinking how I'm There's a scene, I'm

looking at this photo, there are three girls and a cat, Joëlle and it seems like two other French girls that I knew. At first the photo didn't really get my attention,

but then I went back to it; it seems I recognized all three girls, but now I can't remember, I really didn't recognize them or in some other way I hadn't resolved that situation. The girl on the bus, we're in a bedroom,

or she's alone, she's got on a négligé, she comes out and

she's coming over to the bed.

I wouldn't know if I were

lulled by some talisman, an imperfect mirror, a deceptive empty aesthetic. It seems like a dream that is not very

clear, like it had already faded. I'm alone; I can't find anything; the color is stripped from everything. A

voyage in the night, materialism chaotically hangs on threads of desire, the blank rooms of an asylum

inevitably waiting at the end. It seems like a dark cave, I go over and kneel before her, full of devotion; she has rejected me and is meditating her votives; she is wearing a silk see-through pajama open in the front and her legs are crossed; my touch slips away, an interval passes unconsciously,

nervous misgiving, I look at her cheek, a series of vague reflections and anxious longings, breathless transcendent shadows. It seems like someone keeps insisting from

somewhere that I keep them moving, get them involved; this voice or whatever keeps insisting and I'm getting more and more irritated, I'm just about ready to quit and walk out. Then there's this hillside, like at Leona's; there's a shed, a fence; later there's this girl, perhaps the same as on the hillside, fair, blond, simple and cute;

she has this black ball through which she is sticking this pencil-like rod; she sticks it through three or four times talking about how this is like the cave and I think she asks me if there really is a cave. and I; she is cute, smallish and There's this girl wearing a violet

sweater. I'm sitting at a desk; she moves to one side of the room; then she comes over behind me and presses against me; breasts. Each vision slowly blends in the shadows, the moist dark earth, night air just before dawn; we're making love in this field, there's a shed, or what's left of one in cement; we're both very erotically excited. The color I put my arms up and lay them against her

of her hair at night, actress in an unknown plot, aimless figures in obscurity. Vaguely we're up high like in a

theater loge; I've come upon this girl, and we're going to make love there and we have to be careful not to fall. A slice of time in distress, tied to a source, bare legs and a see-through top. I don't remember anything; symbols seem to wander just out of reach, like a mirage, an unconsummated love, distant, elusive, cold. painted Dazed, and sliding don't into to nothingness, matter, the

destinies

seem

world abandoned, madness trailing in desperation, black shadows.

the

I'm in this room in the tropics, perhaps

a ship's cabin; this woman is with me and it is time for me to go, my time has come, the door is closed, I'm sitting at this dressing table; we remember together how we got there, and there is a somewhat eulogistic

commentary by her, because it seems I'd sacrificed more than the normal. in the tropics. It's a question of a very long voyage There are scenes of the voyage, the many

rivers we had to ford, some very large and we had to leave the vehicle on the other side and sometimes wait for some time to get across. Then we're back in this

room and I'm at the dressing table, and it seems like everyone is outside and waiting for me or in waiting, and this woman gives me three tubes of lipstick like things, which I pass over my lips, each of them, and then put away in a cylinder; and she asks how it is to pass over my lips with death, to touch nothingness with death; and we look at each other, and we are going to wait now for it to come. The dampness, depth of the water, oblivion,

a faint attraction, obsession drags into each symbolic disposition, emptiness. a nightmare printed on the wall of

This young girl comes up and acts like she knows me, something I was worried about and that she wasn't

supposed to do, because I didn't want anyone to know; we'd been doing things and she wasn't supposed to let anyone know, but I guess she didn't understand that, she came up and gave me a kiss or touched me. I'd been sick

and now I've returned home; I get there and Dio leaves for somewhere; it seems benign, vague like some hidden logic, a delusion, which has at least rid me of it for the moment, wandering, a figure in wreckage. Like Then

abstract webs, dreams wrap my being.

It's not her.

I'm with her and we're making love; she is very animal, very violent, but she doesn't have another lover, and she says she'll stay with me. I'm thinking about ejaculating

but I decide not to for the moment; this isn't the first time; she is large and beautiful, short hair, little nose, powerful, maybe slightly taller than I, exactly like another girl, a ballerina; these shapes change,

abandoned in the dark, vague sentiments of disillusion, loss and aimlessness, a faded sensuality. I'm in Paris staying in this small room next to this other room, where there's another person, a girl, who is subletting to me; she's not pretty and rather graceless.

I've only a little cot like for camping and it's night. I lift up my bedding and take out my windbreaker from beneath and from there I take out my money; I've only got 15 dollars to go for two weeks, and even though my room's paid I can see that it won't make it. Each layer veiled,

a silky matrix of illusion; alone, broken, inflicted by each new relation. I don't know if it's me, it might be a young boy with whom I sympathize and who has told me this. She's

gone; all the symbols alter with the thought of her; it's a logical problem, trying to improve my logical position; down in there it's a real fatras, and I can't make out anything clearly, stripped stolen energy; conscience of a doubtful movement and a vague light, muted tones on the faded walls. The street is dark like a corridor, in reality

because there's nothing else, it fades into more and more darkness. I don't have my papers because I'm a foreigner, like living in Paris, the idea being that the authorities somehow pick up on this; other people never take on any materiality, like shadows in the drama; I lose another part in the silver stream. And it just goes on and on

and one keeps wondering when one is going to get to the

end. I'm at this party, Dio's there but she's across the room; this girl comes up to me, a lover; in fact I vaguely remember the last time we were together, either in reality or a dream, and she's very lovey, giving me little kisses, and then a big one; and I look over

worried that Dio might see, but I don't see absolutely anyone. Then I'm in this forest and it's raining; I think

through the trees I can see the clouds moving. how extremely watery it all is, this planet.

It is very

dark and bleak, like out on back roads; the countryside is very dark, apocalyptic; she is where I'm trying to go; living veins reflect the tint of the darkened sky. Irretrievable blanks have meaning; it seems like I probably get the kiss but then I start maneuvering trying to get out of the film even though it seems like a film I wanted to see; imprints, designs and links. sweet smell, like dust and sand cover our A bitterwaters hidden

marks;

trickle

silver

twilight,

hidden

dangers,

desires. The breasts and pubis, she can press with them; small mounds of washed-out desire. I'm slumped over on a

bench, sitting in the dark. Then I'm walking at night and I have to catch this boat; there's this woman, she's

going too, a narrow shaded alley between two buildings. With what I traveled the unreal confusion. I'm with Carol and this other girl in a European town; Carol is enticing me in; the other person on the side is screaming don't do it, frantically worried that we'll lose ourselves. Only the other girl almost takes

on reality; the attraction seemed to be constant sexual pleasure, eternal. I caress her emaciated cheek; once an

opulent blond, hesitating, a dress of yellow and white, sophisticated symbol of duplicity, hidden, a poisoned disenchantment. There is a TV set going somewhere but this is vague and also distanced; it's like we're in this carpeted living room and we're over against this wall sort of in this corner and they're over on the other side or in the center watching the TV, like we're staying over night at someone's house and it's dark and late. Then she's

kissing me, her tongue sticking into my mouth, and at first I'm a little surprised at such an aggressive kiss but then I meet it, darting my tongue also and rolling it around with hers; our bodies meet and it looks like it's going to go, but then she pulls away and asks my why I want to isolate her and have her only to myself. I say I

don't,

I

try

to

show

her,

maybe

she

acquiesces.

A

pressing desire, coupling images, the edges of the rings. Cool, moist ocean air, outlines of shrubs, abandon; I come to each barrier, refusal, denial, like walls, and turn away, anguish. There's half-light; I think of these aimless little streams. path back Moving back out of the lineage, following the up, switching in parallel paths, as one

retracts, reverses the process; a restless night, false affection. This dream seems to have had a sort of self

destruct mechanism linked to it as I woke, that is it's logic and clarity were disintegrated on waking. There

were various themes, it seems concerned with women and the main complicating factor was the choices one could make, these options being so many burst the initial

cohesiveness and coherence; one option, with or without; during the dream I remember understanding the choices, but now I can't remember any. The contours of the dream

cross the nocturnal resistance; a bitter, nightmarish gap forms in anguish. playing with I go past this girl in the water a very fine waist, hardly any

someone;

breasts but she's so tight; the focus is so clear on her waist and the two triangles of the bikini. I think to

stop, but then her brother or her boyfriend is there. The taut design, forgetting why one goes there; reality washes in and out, schizophrenic, one moment

disillusioned. Shreds of logic cling to the passing phases. waiting for the girl to get ready to go out. breasts under the fine the fabric sad of the I was

Her small brassière,

unconscious

silence,

shapes

of

itself;

consciousness slips over the threshold and escapes stark reality. Fissures in the walls of desire; traveling at Shadowless. I'm

night, silent nakedness, loneliness.

working on something like typing or writing; Dio is in the background, and there is this young girl with me paying attention at my side; we are amorous as though I'm having an affair with them both. I want to kiss her and

I think not to because of Dio, but then I decide that it doesn't matter, and I turn to the girl and she kisses me and the kiss is very good and very fulfilling; we

continue and continue; she is very innocent and maybe foreign. In the situation value is lost, the whole scene

seems like artificial night. Something had changed; she kissed me on the corner of the mouth; whispers from a source, out of phase. This

girl and I are sitting on the floor or on a mattress, a pretty brunette, and she leans over and kisses me. Then

seemingly unrelated in time a forest, another image slips in and out of reach. I'm shopping for clothes in this store, and this girl says my name. I look around and it's one of the

checkers. I say come help me find this, and at first it was a shirt that I couldn't find the size or the color, one or the other. She acts like she knows me pretty well Somehow I find out her name,

but I don't know her. Joanne.

She is reluctant to leave her register, but the She is the only one Now

other salesgirls say go ahead.

wearing a white dress, dark skin; she comes over.

she's sitting on the floor and it's her break; it's carpeted and there's no one around, and I'm sitting

there, and I move closer and touch her.

She's a little

plump but OK; she's not sure if she wants to get into this, and shows reluctance. Impressions in half-tints, This one

deceptions under the breast and on the waist.

escapes me; it's like a circle that keeps repeating all night; each part I remember, but not long enough to bring to consciousness. I see, understand, and acknowledge,

but when the next segment starts the last one is no

longer accessible, like self-effacing steps. a revelation. sensation, less

I woke with

Two other times I woke with the same the revelation, perhaps because I'm

upset. Elusive qualities, the contagion in the undertow. The focuses. nudity. shadow. The last fabric blows away and strains the

A sensation of organic meaning in the narrow I'm there but not really; it's hard to tell if A wish that imposes a feeling

I'm really participating.

on the atmosphere with the faintest gesture. Something face. The falling with the ashes, thin streaming screen of down my

light

behind

reality.

Ornate figures that taint the emptiness like obsessions. The archaic maze of delirious memory. melts, the loss of the image. A reality that

Then I'm with this girl, The atmosphere is Presence or design. The

kind of small, French and blondish.

Paris but I don't recognize the places. absence, sleep is at the end of the

disguises fall away from the forms. perverse impressions of desire. Il

The darkness marks n'y aura plus de

commentaires.

Out in the middle of nowhere.

Cast of characters and places

My mother Janet had died about four years ago, and I hadn’t seen my brother Blake or father Harold for three years.

The first home I am going to is on Todd Street in west Eugene; a small two bedroom house on a dead end street on the - then - outskirts of the city; there was a cow pasture past the backyard, and up the hill at the end of the street there was a field, then woods, then

forest.

It is now all houses.

The Brookhurst Street

house was east of Creswell about a mile, where I lived all through high school.

Diomar was my wife for seven years, living with me in Los Angeles at the time I was writing this. very happy with each other. We were

Bruce was my best friend in high school; he had come to Creswell from California. with him, my barns brother and ran I no longer have contact into him recently; still out

building

houses,

still

living

alone

Pleasant Hill.

Creswell and Pleasant Hill are both small communities (pop. 1000) about 10 miles from Eugene (pop. 100,000).

Gail was Bruce's girlfriend in high school.

When their

marriage is falling apart some three years after high school while, because will be of my his drink as and much drugs, to she, for me a as

lover;

console

herself.

Joëlle was one of the first girls I met when I was living in Paris. She was still in lycée, a Jewish girl

who lived in Neuilly, a chic quartier just west of the Champs d'Elysée.

Sheri and Jeff lived next door to us in Los Angeles. Both actors; she worked as a secretary. looking (blondish), and intelligent. Both good-

Third Street in LA, not too far from where we lived.

Anita I met at the University of Oregon. and I was 23 or 24.

She was 19

Lovers right off, we saw each

other off and on; I found her in Portland when I came back from Paris. I went up there; she came down, then

moved down; then we got married and had a house built out Coburg Road in north Eugene. this house.) she left. (I often refer to

That lasted a couple of years and then

Paul moved into Jeff and Sheri's apartment when they left. He came from Chicago, wrote scripts and worked as an office lackey. Good-looking, never met any girls, no car; quiet and intelligent.

Patricia was a good friend of Kathy's, I liked her and took her up to the swimming hole once; coming back I had a blow-out on a tire.

Kathy was

my girlfriend

in high

school, who

I will

marry when she graduates, and who will go to Germany with me in the Army. Her parents had the little movie

house in Creswell, and they lived behind it.

Cottage Grove is twenty miles south of Eugene, past Creswell on Interstate 5. or something. The town won best in America

In grade school there was a boy that lived down the street named Danny.

Leona was a girlfriend in high school before Kathy; I had a mad love for her but she didn't want me; she made me cry; I wanted to touch her small breasts but I had too much respect for her. She had all these rough

sisters (all blonds); they were poor; she hardly ever went to school. They lived in a shack up this dirt

road out Camas Swale a few miles west of Creswell.

Kathleen was another friend of Kathy's that I liked.

Ralph

is

my

grandfather.

Very

hard-headed,

retired

fairly young, businessman.

I didn't have a sister, did, but she died after a few months, and she came before me.

Carol was a girlfriend at the university. four years older than I and a graduate

She was some student in

English. Blond from Los Angeles; drank a lot then and still does.

Bear Creek is a small stream just east of Creswell.

Fall Creek is a larger creek east of Eugene, known for its beauty.

Laguna Beach is an artsy rich city south of LA about an hour. My parents grew up there when it wasn't artsy Anita

and rich, and I visited my grandparents there. and I went there for a vacation.

Kathy and I went

through on our way back from Oklahoma, and visited with Ralph and Nana, who had a house up on the hillside, from which one could see the ocean.

Venice, Monica.

California,

west

of

LA

and

south

of

Santa

Jerry was a friend of a friend of Dio's in California. He helped me quite a bit with DOS when I first got a computer.

Emerson Middle School is out by UCLA.

Larry Joslin was a year older than me in high school. He wasn't a friend but he was pretty cool, played the guitar in a local group, tall, thin.

Fairfax High School is just south of Hollywood.

Rue Voltaire is where I lived for most of the time I was in Paris.

Bill was a guy Blake and his girlfriend LoAnn lived with out on this ranch south of Eugene, while I was going to the University. They smoked a lot of grass, etc. He is supposedly gay. I would go out there every

once in a while and visit.

Martha Ross was a big overweight pretentious girl in high school that Bruce and I teased.

There are two Phils, one I was in the Army with and continued friends with him for some time after. lives in Portland, Oregon. teaches in LA. I knew He

The other Phil is gay and him from jazz classes at

Duprée's.

Tatiana was a Romanian girl who was a friend of Dio's. I liked her a lot.

Lake Oswego is on the outskirts of Portland. think I've ever been there.

I don't

Andrée was my most important girlfriend in Paris.

When

I left Paris I was planning on returning, or having her

come

to

Eugene;

but

then

I

found

Anita

again,

and

Andrée was too old for me.

Century City out in west LA; a lot of movie studios.

Sandy

Goldman

was

an

ESL

teacher

at

Hamilton

High

School in LA. there.

I liked her.

Her husband also worked

Ms. Dorsey was a vice-principal at Fairfax High School. She took tap classes at Duprée's. We got along fine.

Fern Ridge Reservoir is west of Eugene about 10 miles, muddy but good for sailing; I never went there.

Sandy, the landlady, of the apartment in LA, a Korean woman; I liked her.

Alex is Alex Magno, a cool Brazilian who taught jazz at Duprée's.

Cecile danced and taught ballet in Eugene.

I talked to

her; I think she liked me more than I liked her; she was married anyway.

Olympic Avenue was a half-block away from our apartment in LA.

La Cienaga is an avenue in LA.

Kate was

a blond

that worked

at the

Hollywood YMCA We'd talk.

where I occasionally swam and worked out. I liked her.

Jim Sartel had an auto repair shop in Creswell, that he inherited from his father; his family lived up Bear Creek. I liked him, his wife and son, John.

Marelene was a friend of Dio's in LA; their families were friends or relatives in Recife, Brazil. was her husband. Irapuan

Mr. Perry was a teacher at Creswell High School.

Maroufi was a professor at Cal State LA where I got my teaching license.

Mike

Moran

was

older a

than strange

I,

son

of he

my

father's comic

business

partner;

person;

read

books; went to Vietnam and liked it. Dennis Moran was in the grade between Blake and I, the same grade as Kathy, and he was her boyfriend before me. him after we separated. She married

Another Mike was a friend while I was in college.

Lone Pine was this little old store south of Creswell on the old highway. We would go there to buy

cigarettes, etc.

La Brea is an avenue near where I lived in LA.

Salem is the Oregon state capitol, and north of Eugene about 60 miles on Interstate 5.

Skinner's Butte is this hill just north of downtown Eugene; it is also a beautiful park and next to the Willamette River.

Rety was a girl that ran around with us in high school; she married Dennis Moran before Kathy.

Brookhurst

Street

is

where

we

lived

in

Creswell;

a

dead-end street about a half-mile east of town, off of Cloverdale Road.

Shoprite

grocery

store

was

father's

business

in

Creswell. I worked there in high school and then after I got back from Paris, when I was married to Anita. Harold Goddell was the meat cutter there.

Clair is my cousin.

Megan my father’s mother.

King Hall is a building on the Cal State campus.

Jan Biby was the woman with whom I did part of my student teaching. She was so neurotic and incompetent that I had to request another teacher.

Sonia was a woman I knew in Rio and liked a lot. became good friends with Dio, and they

She still

correspond.

Chuck was a Creswell boy that worked at Shoprite.

When

I was manager I made him assistant manager, somewhat against the grain as others thought he couldn't do it. He was very competent, and we worked wonderfully well together. The store now has a third owner and he is

manager, and has been for five years at least.

Duarte, some 40 miles west of LA, is where I did half of my student teaching. It was alright.

Chuck Hepner was kind of a tough kid in high school. He was cool. I think he is still around there.

Los Angeles

It's night and there's a dock, water. to me.

She comes

We are going to take a voyage and I'm worried.

She allays my worries, kisses me, and tells me the boat is ready. Her mouth was mine. These men are lined

Suddenly I'm in a hospital.

up and they seem to be tortured in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sort of way. Their skin is growing painfully, but

organically, saliva flowing out and turning into flesh. I ask one of the men if it hurts and he says no, but the agony is obvious.

I'm coming home at night on my bicycle; I'm young; I come to the corner of my street and pass another boy on his bike who acknowledges me. Diomar isn't there, and all of At home I enter but the rooms have been

filled with other people who are sleeping on the floor; I see as I pass through the rooms; socialists have come and redistributed the space; freedom is gone. in a field, in a rebel camp. A two story wooden resort hotel where father is the owner, manager. ocean. covering There's the street and then the Then I'm

The ocean has come to the door step, completely the cars and the street in a horrible

tourbillion; I'm concerned about the cars, especially mine. The tide subsides and my car's gone, but my

friend said they'd been towed away, and hinted that the owner would somehow know what to do; I'm relieved that my car hasn't been ruined. there's a river. Now the water's gone and

My friend jumps in with his Levi’s, The water

three or four people are already swimming.

is flowing very quickly and hard, and imperceptibly the ocean has receded completely out of view; I move down to wet my feet and perhaps swim also. I slip, slide;

there's a large tree uprooted in the river, obstructing

its flow, it's raging, flowing around the tree like a waterfall, gushing and spraying; my friend has to come and help me out, passing over me, grabbing hold of some branches, hanging, and then I grab hold of him. I arrive on an airplane, but it wasn't really, it was a Mercedes. I can remember I had stayed in the plane over night; the vista from the plane onto the

landing field.

Now I'm going home.

My building has a

very high wall, and there seem to be some decorations engraved on it which look like hieroglyphs. The stone-

like path which leads to the apartment goes by this wall and seems like it's very deep, overhead is covered by a canopy of trees. Here are lots of wind chimes. My

domestic is waiting for me; she has all of her clothes in a brown suitcase; she couldn't get in, nor could she remember the apartment number. I nod, she says, good day sir. I vaguely remember her, Now apparently knowing The

the number she leads me to the door and I open it. apartment is modern and spacious.

I have some take-out

food, only for me, and I start to eat standing at a sort of table or counter. mood. There's Also my a strange lack of not

atmosphere

domestic,

she's

necessarily this but perhaps a lover, but she hasn't

been for very long, like a recent pickup.

But there's

this sort of treatment that she seems to want, and it doesn't seem to emanate from my desire, like a role she insists on following. She has a sort of derelict Mary

Poppins air, and wearing a Chinese smock, car coat, umbrella; dark brown hair cut in a Chinese style. seem to be a businessman. I'm changing clothes in a room after dance class. A bunch of very cute girls come in, girls from jazz class. say no. I say can't I even change my clothes and they I put my shorts on over my long tights, and I

then realize that I didn't want my tights on, and so I have to take everything off and start over. I'm The The

sitting down and there's a large desk to one side. room is on a hill side with windows looking out. girls all seem to really like me.

One tries to glimpse

me while I'm arranging my shorts, which are brown with a pattern, and very large with a draw string. Suddenly

they're all gone; there's been a problem on the hill side, seems they're going to dedicate it to a park or something. One of the girls is perhaps my girlfriend.

I'm running towards the onlooker; something has happened in the background, and every kid I pass I say

back there, and they start running, but because of my movement the event has already passed over behind the horizon; and most if not all of the kids slowly desist or go over the horizon. backward, hesitate. The front and the Some stop, look forward and

Everything happens in nothingness. back of the screen are the only

directions.

Either before or after I am sitting crossto someone or some people. As this

legged talking

happens all the players seem to disappear so that no one is really on the scene, and I seem to imperceptibly pass through the foreground and then out of the scene to the status of onlooker, and as each kid makes his appearance he disappears. I'm walking in the woods during a break and I run into two girls who are like staying in a tent, but then it seems more like a separate room in a dorm, and I look in and they're reading. I take a section of

newspaper to read and they say it's alright. starting to get to know each other.

We're

Then I'm in the Am I up.

men's bathroom and the bell seems to have rung. undressed? Dressed My shirt start and sweater are tangled the

people

passing

through

doorway.

Students and maybe some teachers.

Some help me find my

shirt

or

something

on

this

built-in

ledge

under

a

window, and some recognize me. I won't have time to eat,

Outside I'm hungry but unless I could perhaps

pretend I have a free period, but still there would be nowhere to go to eat. I'm still walking among other

students; a young boy comes up alongside of as we walk along. We're talking and somehow this subject comes

up, I tell him he needs to get ahead or something to that effect, because the world is very hungry, it's a hungry world out there. He kind of listens but he

doesn't act like it's very serious.

Now if there are

any buildings around they're very spread out. Bruce and I are in this bar, there's a friend of ours, and other people in the bar. pickup. We're looking for a

I glimpse Bruce passing with Gail and I can't

believe it's true, and then I see another couple that looks the same, and I don't see Bruce and Gail any more. I'm sitting and talking with this friend; and

then suddenly I say hey why are we letting Bruce sit alone, Bruce is here. He's over in the corner on a

stool, higher than the other chairs, and it would be a problem putting the stool by the table. Then I glimpse

Bruce passing with Gail and this time it's for sure.

They're over towards the other side of the bar, by the counter, like they were coming out of the bathroom and going to their table. Gail has her hair cut short and There's movement in

Bruce is wearing a stocking cap. the bar but no people. rough-cut stained wood.

The place has a rustic look,

I was giving a painting class; it's over, like a tour group, no a gang, no a group of students taking an art interpretation class. murals painted on it. There is a cement wall with

I walk up to them and tell them My tent place de are

that my class did that, and they don't believe me. classroom where it seems was the in to in have is no disappeared, longer plaza during like the The

there. at the the day

resembles Beaubourg

giant Paris,

brick where

Centre there

always people milling around.

One student seems to

recognize me, or at least he or she seems to believe me. I was proud of my group's work. Nobody seems to Everyone walks

care and I don't care all that much. off. Delirium.

The different levels of access.

The

formulas which keep repeating, going in a circle, like F3. They seem like the move of the knight in chess,

they are supposed to get me from one level to another but they do not; they keep coming back to the same thing. There are two or three formulas which start to

have an effect and I keep using them, but then their effect wears off; I can't get in or out. I'm hitchhiking or traveling. At three different There is a

intervals I could have picked up a girl. road-way restaurant.

For some reason I've bypassed the

other two girls, but they're still a possible option. She is eating with me, and we're sitting next to each other on one of those vinyl covered booths. We haven't

known each other for very long, perhaps we met on the bus. I kiss her, there's a kind of a swirling to get

to her lips, our heads like dance for a second and then there's contact, and for a second I think about the people who will be scandalized in the restaurant. It's

a small town, which we never really entered, having stopped at the restaurant without going any further, but I'm aware of the charm of the two or three streets that compose the rest of the town, as though I'd

already seen it.

The other two girls still seem to be Our

in the restaurant, but I can't seem to see them.

kiss deepens, she is doing it but she seems a little

scared; I can feel her shaking a little in the lips.

I

want to know how is the rest of her body, and my hand goes down her back into her pants, and I push forward on her back just above her rear. dream decomposed. dark, but no rain. Then we're in a room,

The atmosphere is very cloudy and The town with dirt streets and Also perhaps the ocean

bland white-washed wood houses. is not too far away.

The kiss was very clean and

fresh, and she had long blond hair like mine. I've got some grass and I'm going back home to smoke it, a and I was being very careful not to get is

caught,

very

paranoid

atmosphere.

Home

underground and I have to go down steps to get there; and then there was my room which seemed nice and cozy. I had a little transistor that I would be able to turn on once I got high. At first another person was

involved who warning me.

was much

more paranoid

than I,

he was

Back in the room I'm thinking I should

roll it all so I won’t have to roll it later, and then I'm wondering if I'll have time to roll it before

father comes home, and I'm worried about getting caught smoking by him, but then I think that he really doesn't care. I'm thinking about rolling but what I am really

doing is sewing; there is thread and needles, but no material to speak of, just thread and razor blades, that I could use to cut my joints. bed next to my nightstand sewing. I am sitting on my I think I have a

bigger stereo in the room but it makes too much noise for right now, and besides the transistor is fine.

There aren't any windows in the room. seemed like a wasteland.

And outside it

I've only got the grass for The scene

four or five joints, just a little papelote.

reminds me of the movie, Subway; the stairs were like a small metro opening, cement. My trip to the tropics has been aborted; I have to get back, I have to avoid the worm thing, the worm formula. I'm crawling past a large tent over letters

on the ground, sneaking past because I don't want the people inside to know I'm leaving, because they would mock me. They are perhaps having sex; as I go by a

young boy peeks out through a hole in the black plastic curtain. I feel embarrassment but I get by, it's like It's on an ocean liner,

I didn't want to say goodbye.

leaving the tropics, and now I'm trying to get to my cabin, which is like Joëlle's house in Paris, going down the corridors then into this little cabin which is

like Joëlle's room but not exactly. There's a little hard bed, like a cot almost; little wooden shelves in the corners, a little bathroom, a small sink. I'm

worried about my ticket but then it doesn't matter, someone suggests that there are different promotions

for this return trip after an aborted trip, like it's a common occurrence. dissolves. All I'm back in the room and the dream the trip really was, was leaving

Joëlle's room and then going back to it; but then the problem was getting past the tent, and the worms or whatever that was. Young pretty people making love in Going

the tent, the impression of their legs waving.

by it the curtain was like an old theater curtain, the tent like a large circus tent. The boy had looked

because they had heard me going by scratching, rustling all the little letters on the ground. the cabin I went up stairs as And to return to well as through

corridors. Dio and I are traveling in a small car, like a VW. Up till now there's been no big problem; I'm following a map in my lap. The road comes to an abrupt T. I

stop the car; there's a total abyss there on the other side of split, and we're like poised on the edge ready

to fall, like a cube on its edge ready to topple. I ask Dio to get inside the cube, which in the car must be the back seat, but even this doesn't seem to work

because the equilibrium of the car is so precarious. I'm scared to death, pressing on the brake, pressing back in my seat away from the abyss, peering out

through Dio's window, and trying to put my weight as far back in the cube as I can. but the cube would the map just topple There's a guard rail over I it. I'm not

referring to

any more.

vaguely remember

another scene before this one, completely different but part of the sequence, like a series of snap shots.

Before the road comes to the T I'm thinking no problem I'll just follow the map; but then at the T there's not only the problem of the abyss, but also the problem of which fork to take, both equally dangerous. I remember

from the previous scene a river rushing by, like on a hiking trip in Oregon; and there was a problem of how to cross it, which brought me to the fork in the road. I'm in northern Mexico, and I'm leaving where I'm staying with this very poor family, and we're packing the boxes, but every once in a while another box

arrives, full of the usual stuff to travel, usual in

the dream, but unusual in reality, like a very old can of corn oil, an old dented can of lighter fluid or something with a flip top. I empty the latest arrived

box, putting the stuff in other boxes, and the empty box I throw on top of a wooden closet. It's a small

family, a small room, maybe on the second floor, rough cut white-washed wood with a window at one end, an old metal framed bed, the boxes we're using to pack are old and dirty. Across the way, down the street, I hear a

man yelling at his son because he did not adequately answer me when I had gone to his commerce in search of a service or good, and so I had run off, but it hadn't been the boy's fault. school room where I Earlier I had been in a small was helping the regular woman

teacher.

We were doing a dance class and it was very

crowded, and we were like doing it amongst the desks. A new boy came in, tall, dark, and thin. finished and I had to enroll him. enrollment book. The class

There's this huge

I finally found the place where to

mark the necessary information, but I didn't know what to mark, and then the regular teacher came back so I gave the book to her. The students are there but I

don't see them now; they helped me find the registry.

Now I'm driving, leaving town, and I come to a freeway interchange raining, with a late lot of cars backed I'm up. It's

dark,

afternoon.

disappointed

because now I'll have to wait in line to get through, but then it opens up on the right, where I'll go to exit on my new route, so I start to take the exit, but then the exit seems to be going off to the left. The

road is muddy and very slippery, I go over this little rise, and I know for sure how the road is and I'm not worried, but after this little rise, suddenly the road veers to the right slightly, not like before; I miss the small turn and plunge into a bottomless abyss. I find myself in a group of apartments of Latinos with nice yards interspersed; everyone is outside I go out

including Dio, and she might have children. to get them. gabbing.

The Latina women are like standing around

Dio has taken our large very beautiful round

wood dining room table out in the yard and is using it, even though it is hard to see what for as it is lying on its side. One matronly woman is eyeing it with

almost dangerous envy. I say coming outside, come on, time to come in, taking in the whole scene and thinking about bringing the table in, and telling Dio not to

take it out anymore because I don't want the neighbors envious and I am worried about them stealing it. It is

like lying on its side in the grass all polished up; and there is this one heavy woman eyeing it so... The

nice yards were like a park with the Latinos mulling around like they do in parks. a table. I had this slow car, but then I had this chance to buy this very nice old Camaro; it was parked where I went all the time, just hanging around, next to this entrance to a trailer park. the guy accepted, like I offered $1500 for it and he was having money We really don't own such

perhaps

problems, a white 67.

I'm in it and backing out, but

then these people are leaving, so I'm over to the side of the driveway and I let them pass which surprises them. that They have a girl and I can tell by their manner they're her or concerned seduce because or they think I might

suborn

her

something.

Mid-summer

smells and light.

I take the car and I and my friends

are going to go for a drive. I'm in this radio station and I have this little note of introduction, which also seems to say that they should play this certain thing, like a request. There

are quite a few people in the broadcasting room.

They

accept me after a bit of hesitation, more or less as a favor to the note; it's like the chef of the station that is the most reluctant; he bends over the mike and makes a funny noise. There's a door and a narrow

stairway and wood walls, exactly like in the theater, and which lead to the projection room. They are

homosexual; now there's only two of them, then only one, and he thinks that because of the note there is a good chance that he can seduce me, so he starts to try, and at first I'm very reluctant, but he catches me up in his trip, in his orientation, and I can just sort of let myself go into his thing and it carries us along. We are twisting around on this bed erotically with some of our clothes still on. We're like androgynous. Just

as my hand goes in his, her pants then suddenly I'm with ripe. this very beautiful very black girl, full and

We are about to make love; she had come into the

radio station, now a living room party, now just us two; now it's she who has the note. perfection, her ripeness. I remark her

She shows me her pants and

she smoothes them, saying this is the last year they

are going to fit like this, this form following fit, this snug; they are jeans or velvet. I'm using formulas to move memories. For the

second time I have sent a code sequence down and it hasn't worked, so I'm going to have to go in and do it step by step. There was this couple and she had cut off her middle finger and he his index to prove their love, and now they were at the doctor to take off the bandages. I am thinking that they were silly; everyone has come to see them take off the bandages. I am sitting in a

sort of gallery to watch, which is full of people, but I really don't want to see it, so I step out; then it is my finger that has been cut and Dio's and the doctor removes the bandage but it's only a small cut on the index; two stitches and some scratches like we had cut ourselves preparing food. Then I'm arriving at a small

white wooden house after a long walk and the woman of the house knew me and was like expecting me but I don't seem to remember her now, but I guess I knew her in the dream, and she like enquired if I was better now, and I was. The house was isolated, one had to go down a long

dirt road to get there, over hills, and it was like

there were chores to do, like over to the side of the porch, but I don't remember what they were. Then I and

a woman or girl are looking at this fashion magazine, like Vogue, at first like the advertisements. I am

dwelling too much because I haven't seen the magazine and she has and I point this out to her. Then we come

to the actual fashion part, and there is first a woman in a small green dress and half buried in rock like buried or clothed in solid rock and that was part of the fashion. I turn the page, my companion always

saying faster, faster.

The next woman has on a fur

coat on one half of her body, but she isn't really naked because the other half is imbedded in rock. third model is naked and imbedded in ice. The

At first I

see her body but the focus is on her face, short bobbed hair, lightish or grayish, kind of thin and long,

beautiful and also imbedded in ice. companion seem to find these

Neither I nor my strange. I

pictures

imagine this is happening in the living room of the small white wooden house, like I'm a welcome guest, like maybe she is the daughter of the house and I'm courting her in the old English style. There isn't any

focus on my companion except her impatience, and maybe

she resembles the model in ice, and maybe I do too. Each time I'm looking at one of these models she

becomes very real, no longer in the magazine but life size and in front of me, and then it is just me looking and no one else. I'm walking in this park, cold and wet, and which resembles the first park I experienced solitary, aware and unreal. A distance away and under this arbor is a

lady bum that I recognize from last year. It's daytime and she doesn't have all her blankets and stuff, and at first I don't see the red on her arms and legs and I think she got well, but then I see it. I have to take

this knife back to somewhere over by her, but I don't want to go over there. In the next scene I've driven

up to the lake and in the distance I see Sheri by her car. Then she's lying in her bed and I'm sitting in talking to at the her, saying I'd swear didn't I it was a see you you, my from

this chair yesterday impression

lake, you

was

that

were

taking

break

looking for work.

Though I don't see her boyfriend his

presence is felt, and Sheri doesn't want to admit that she was at the lake in front of him. There's a feeling

of nakedness though neither she nor I are ever naked.

The scene at the lake carries a hint of a passionate tryst in a ménage à trois, which goes back to the same epoch as the park. A vague sense of the ocean. I'm coming to this

hotel lobby with this other person who recommends this hotel; he says it's a little cheaper that the one where I'm at. I start sneezing and I have to blow my nose. No, he is looking for the entry way, he

I'm alone.

remembers. It's a very modern dark glass door in a wall made of large stones and cement. like a Japanese garden. The area around is

I can vaguely make out a pop The scene has changed; two

machine through the glass.

boys are working with me, but I get tired of one who is bothering me, and so I go to my desk to write a summons to get rid of him. The summons was already made.

I'm going through this box looking for something, like a computer component; the contents are all mixed up like in a toy box. I can't decide if I should take

the major component to the service place, and pack it up and everything. They used an old component to make

my computer this person is saying when I go to him: it's got all sorts of yellow memory traces, and maybe he points out one on Third Street. Maybe there's a

map, maybe it's in my mind, the layout of the streets. The computer store is more baroque, smaller,

disorganized, twisted and ornate; someone went into my computer's brain and found all these traces of data that they had been using in my computer, yellow like an old newspaper. Shelley is implicated, he is perhaps on

Third Street. We are looking for his location on the map, like over behind a place and over to one side, and I'm thinking, yes I think I know where it is, the

knight move on the map, this and the bishop are the only two pieces that have interesting moves, the rest are boring. I'm driving home at the end of vacation; it's very far. I'm not paying very much attention and I should

because the road is very dangerous, drop offs, cliffs, and a river, though I never really see the river. on the last leg of the trip. I'm

They're working on a

section; a lot of times the lane ends or the freeway is made into a two lane road, and I keep making mistakes of perception, misjudging distance, or not even seeing a truck coming the other way, and just missing certain death. I come around this corner and my lane where I'm

in is the oncoming lane, and I almost collide with a

truck,

but

I

just

sort

of

brush

it

off,

saying

to

myself that I'm really not with it. lane merges and I have to squeeze in

Then again the as I'm going

around this corner, and I'm going too fast and the car keeps nosing in as I go around, can't put on the brakes as much as I'd like because it almost spins out. The

pavement is all roughed up on the other lane and that is why this car is coming up from behind in my lane. It's the old highway from the small town to the city, but now it's a freeway, and I'm thinking the next time I'll take the old road to avoid all this. I'm

wondering why my consciousness keeps skipping, I don't seem to be on drugs or sleepy, but dreamy. I don't

know where I was or why, but I'm returning to the city, and it's changed; it feels the same, but the whole

layout is different, even the access. three days a faint feeling or

For the last background of

voluptuousness keeps coming back. I'm hurrying into this house like twisting the

latch on the screen door; it's like I have to go to the bathroom; it has something to do with my work, but this is like the third day or the third time, and the owner is due any moment, and I shouldn't be there taking a

piss, so I'm like waiting impatiently to stop going to the bathroom so I can leave again. I was like The

somewhere before this but I don't remember where. house was like on Todd St.

The screen door wouldn't

open like it was supposed to so I like forced it, and so I'm worried about that also. I'm like working in the back of a station wagon or the back seat of a large car. I'm like putting Some

together this big map of a city maybe like Paris.

people are waiting to go eat, maybe like father and family, maybe traveling companions like salesmen. I'm

like moving around in the back of this car and moving things around back there to accommodate the sections of the map that I'm taping together. restaurant, definitely a parking lot. Maybe a roadside For some reason

the map is important to me and I want to finish it but I don't before I leave; I like lay out the final

section, but their injunctions cause me to leave it before I can tape one it of in. those It maybe resembles from

sentimentally

jigsaw

puzzles

childhood but I would also use it to find my way so there is a sort of more of an urgency. It's like coats It's

that I had to move around in the back of the car.

like night but the light is quite good and outside it does seem like daylight. The map is very pretty and

brightly colored and glossy with the attractions of the city pointed out, and so I'm looking at the pictures as I'm spreading it out, like an Eiffel Tower where the Eiffel Tower is, an Arc de Triomphe, etc. in my pajamas or this might be an I might be or

afterthought

sentiment. I'm at this house for a little get-together, a tea; we're in the kitchen talking, two girls and their mother. I want to go to the library so I have to excuse myself. They appreciate my company but for some reason I say I'll be and I

I don't expect to return for some time. back even though it wouldn't be

convenient

probably won't.

I'm in the library and I've found this

stuff that's very interesting to read, but I'm running out of time there too; maybe I expect to return to the house. I go out of the library, and I have a very long It's a small old European town. gradually, going downhill, The street cobblestone

walk back. curves

around

streets, an abandoned church yard, a low rock wall, it's not dark or light. before I'm talking to Back in the same kitchen as Dio, becoming super mad with

jealousy just because she talked to a boy there.

For

some reason she can't account for her time - like where was she and what was she doing with him. about leaving her I'm so mad with jealousy. I'm thinking Then Anita

is driving the Chevelle; I'm some ways behind her in another car; her car is going over a hill and then out of sight. We're out in the middle of nowhere. I'm

thinking that she needs to get the car serviced, but she doesn't know how to go about it, where to go and what to have done, and so I'll have to take care of it. There's a party at my house. town or away on a trip. is bigger, like a We were out on the The house but it

Dio is still gone.

large studio,

an atelier,

still has more or less the same layout.

I arrive alone

and I find my neighbor, Paul, working on the kitchen window which he has taken completely out, and this on his own initiative. One of those louvered windows, and he had taken out the whole window and the ceiling is out in that corner and everything. out; it's going to take him I'm completely putto put it back

ages

together. again.

Then there's a hiatus. Then we're arriving

I had made a telephone call to a girl to come, Now Paul is working on the telephone

but she may not.

outlet

in

the

bedroom,

but

not

yet.

First

he

is

finishing the window; there's this skinny punk Latino that I don't like, he's associated with Paul and he's taking down things from the wall and cleaning them and then putting them back, not my things but Paul's, pots and pans. For a moment I'm enraged. Then the party

comes but instead of staying in the living room they go into the bedroom. This girl had come with them, and

maybe she was my girlfriend on the side but she ignored me; Dio is with them. I wonder what they are doing in

there and I wait a while for them to come out; I don't want to compromise myself chasing after them, then I break down and go in there. There are three on the bed

talking, Paul is working, and there's a person sitting on the floor. Before they had arrived there were

things I was going to show them, like the computer but now no, there's not even a computer in sight. was somewhere else. Also I

I can't remember well now, maybe a

nightclub; maybe it's from there that I'd called that girl, Patricia Eastburn, and maybe I had to leave a message on the answering machine so I like said how much I wanted to see her, how urgent and pressing it was and how impassioned I was. Sexually it was urgent,

like when I was younger, and she was giving me the runaround it seems like now. about Dio. I don't know if she knew

At that time Dio was nonexistent, at the

time I invited her in the dream. I'm at a nightclub rolling a joint in the halflight of a corner, and after me and two friends are going to go outside to smoke it; we go out to a jeep, mine; they get in the back. We roll, maybe by the My two friends were one joint won't be

little movie theater in Creswell. Orientals. I'm concerned that

enough to get us good and high; then maybe I end up smoking it all by myself and it like wipes me out. Then I'm sleeping and when I wake I think to go get them, but then I'm in my apartment, moving into my

apartment; some friends are helping, and then a whole lot of people are helping. A bunch of Latinos are

moving in, putting their sacks on the floor without being invited. When I arrive I have to push past them I argue with one who is like

just to get in the door.

the coordinator or a friend of mine, and I tell him to get them out of here in an hour or I start throwing their cotton laundry sacks out the window. like he's sitting on the floor in the It seems

laundry room

entry way of my apartment, in front of a dryer, I don't know why. the pocket I remember stuffing a baggy with grass in of my pants, before I go back into the

nightclub, then I'm in front of my apartment.

It also

seems like I was moving around this baggy in the back of the jeep; I was concerned about if there'd be enough room for them to sit, and that they wouldn't sit on the baggy. There didn't seem to be any girls, except some

of the Latinos, and they were very vague and in the background; the nightclub seemed Parisian. I'm correcting my test, one page, contents

unknown, comparing it to the master, maybe an essay in French. I did OK. This scene has come back about three

times tonight. Someone and I are riding motor bikes in the

mountains on dirt roads; now we're coming out of the mountains, paved. onto a road that was dirt but has been

The road goes on a bit, and at first I was

worried that a car was coming on the road but none was. It's a holiday. The road goes along a lake front where there are all these people with their boats. Now I'm

driving a boat for a moment; I see a girl on the left that arouses me, I see her back. It's the end of the

season and I know most of the people but I couldn't say anyone for sure. Driving the boat one has to be extra

careful because they're so many people; almost out, I say to some people, "one way or the other"; there are some guffaws from behind. to be again. anything in a I boat anymore turn to it's get my At this point I don't seem but rather angry cousin riding bicycles I who don't has see been

because Dennis

funny,

accompanying me saying what does that mean, "one way or the other"; and I explain like he was a Latino or I

something.

The lake was like Cottage Grove Lake.

come out into a grid of Creswell streets.

Now it seems

like I'm walking and alone, and maybe I'm looking for something to do because I don't want to go home. The

movie theater; I glimpse an electronic cash register inside so I'm thinking it's been remodeled. see a film. I want to

I have to go a ways down the street to get I have three quarters I put on Then I want a coke; there

the ticket, walking.

the register for the movie.

are supposedly two prices they say, maybe one for cold and one for warm, but the cold isn't so I say no. I'm probably back in the lobby of the theater. Then

I'm

walking

with

Kathy;

we're

thinking

about

getting back together after a long time, a long absence on my part. We're going to visit two friends of hers, They are living in a sort bathroom with a sort of

Patty and an unknown girl. of hotel room setup, the

changing area. happy reunion.

There's a window in front; it's the I'm explaining that Kathy's changed,

and they say maybe for the better maybe for the worse. I look at her, not really at all the same girl. Until

this room I'd been repeatedly declaring my love and devotion, but she didn't like it. I'm thinking I

should show her a dream or a poem, but she wouldn't be able to understand it, even though I remember that she does read English, but it would flip her out. previous scene I'm with father and he's In a putting

together a hybrid pickup with parts from different ones that he thinks will make it better, like a cab from one, a chassis from another, etc., but I reflect on this after he has shown me everything and I realize that really it will just be a Datsun pickup, like he started out using different components, like Ford,

Chevy, etc., and they all ended up being a Datsun.

I was walking along the orchard road, waiting for two friends who come on small motorcycles and pick me up. Still next to the orchard we're riding along the river; there's a barbed wire fence. In passing I pick three prunes that are very small and soft, and I eat them in one bite and they were very good, and everyone is surprised that I ate them because normally I don't eat prunes, and also they didn't think they'd be any good. In the background, or perhaps out of the scene

completely, my mother acknowledges me or I her or us both, maybe a slight wave of the hand, but this is very vague. Also I distinctly remember doing something I

before I was picked up but I don't remember what.

don't know who the two riders are, or even their sex. The prunes were very small and warm and mushy. I have to get some concert tickets as a favor for some friends; I told them I knew where to get them. They're for two Latino musical groups, Caifanes and Ana Gabriel. I'm in this tavern like place and it's very

crowded; the person selling the tickets is behind this raised counter, there are lots of people around trying to get them; it seems more like a lottery. I finally

get up to him and for some reason I get pissed, the

crowd

clears

out

around

me.

There's

two

of

them

selling tickets, one a tall thin smart-alec type, or maybe it's just one person, and he pisses me off.

Also, he doesn't have the tickets for the show I want to see, but he tries to sell me the ones he does have. To teach him a lesson I take his ticket roll and unroll it on the floor; it seems more like ribbon than

tickets, and then I say he can just roll it back up. Now I remember that during all this I also had a lot of money in my front pants pocket and I was constantly concerned about it and touching there from time to time to assure myself it was safe because of the crowd.

There's like a little step up where we're at now, and I've like unrolled something that I'll roll up also to make it fair; we part on OK terms. I go outside. I'm

trying to think how I'm going to get the tickets; it feels like Paris. I'm sitting on this house door step,

a wood house, little more than a shack, and I think about getting them in a kiosk but they don't sell

tickets, tourist attractions either, and then I think I'll go to one of those places that sell tickets to shows. But this the is going has to be on an airs elaborate of the

undertaking,

city

taken

apocalypse, crime

the

streets What

are

muddy, like my

dirty

and is

dark, very

ridden.

seems

sister

concerned about my safety because I'll probably be out all night. We make an agreement that I'll be back by

eleven the next day or we'll say that I'm somewhere else. There's maybe the vague idea of my staying at a I start to walk out across the I notice something with my

girlfriend's place.

street, it's a wasteland.

heel and I bend around to see what's the matter; may sister is watching. My tennis shoe comes off easily

and underneath the skin is like rotten; a lot of pus that I squeeze out from under the skin, but then the skin falls away rotten also. Despite the fact that it

seems to be about one inch wide and a half inch deep and a mess I don't seem to be very concerned about it. I wake worried about the real state of my foot. This girl and I are going to make love. this car but it's too small. parking lot. We have

We're in this supermarket

I'm trying to arrange the car so we can

make love, I really want to; it's dark but not night; I was going to do it on the hood of the car but that won't work, cars are going by constantly, but I

consider the idea seriously, then I think again about

doing it inside the car but really there'd be no room, and I want room to move about. The girl is

unidentified and she hasn't said anything.

This guy

goes by and adduces our problem, he says that if we go out that way there's this Hertz place, you'll have to follow this gravel road for quite a spell but

eventually you get there and nobody will bother you there. This city is vaguely familiar to me and over I say thanks.

where he means is towards the river.

We're leaving, we end up going out to the major fork in the highway, like on the outskirts of town, like in northern Mexico. And there he is again; he has a girl

with him; I stop, he shows me this map and a road on the map; he has a four wheel drive. The road is clear

on the map but in this desert it's like a single rut where water would run off. I say that's the problem

with these maps, and ask if he'd ever been to Mexico, where they have all these roads marked, but that aren't really. He catches my leg and rolls me down on the While he's taking me down I'm

ground and then gets up.

worried about him robbing us, like that was what he was after, but no, I don't know what he was doing or

thinking; he just gently knocked me down and then let

me get back up.

Not that I was very worried about

being robbed, going down my mind flashed on what money we had and it wouldn't be any great loss. When we left

the store parking lot it was like night and now out in the desert it's like day. He's stocky, good-looking, a It

dark beard, a nice guy; his girl remains obscure.

seems he offers to take us there and we go with him, even though the object of the trip has disappeared, that is I'm no longer thinking about making love. I

glimpse down the road or rut a ways, in a gully, three or four Indians with loin cloths and fur around their lower calves running away like rabbits. Then woman we're going who to Reno, she's father, something I, and this not.

imposter

says

she's

Someone and I go to this seedy hotel room to see this woman who claims she has something to do with us, like perhaps someone father's threw ex. She answers or the door, hideous, gone,

acid

on

her

something,

nose

throat, skin gone, exposing the thorax and esophagus; she tilts her head back a bit and there's this gaping hole. Out on the road she's not so bad, father's

driving, she's in the passenger seat and I'm in the back seat. She's going to prove something but I don't

know what. the affair.

We go to this certain point; I've tired of I say we're going to turn around, and

there's this place in the freeway to cross, very big signs pointing this out up ahead. We pass the one side

coming from the other side and then we come to our entry. Previously we'd stopped and I'd adjusted

something on her side of the car, something to do with the convertible top, like at a rest stop or roadside restaurant. maybe this Anyway it had upset her immensely, and is why we're turning around. Father is He takes

driving but it's my car, the grey Camaro Z28.

the turn and almost hits these wooden benches and the back end of the car skids around and spins out in the turn. I get mad and tell him if he wrecks the car he

buys me a new one, and completely new not just fixed, which slows him down a bit. The road stretches out

like a fluid ribbon over these rolling hills, and seems very narrow and smooth. at all, her whole trip They're upset but I don't care is is false, perhaps father is like but a

puppet.

My

brother

intimated

not

visible, perhaps more so in the race; I don't know who exactly is racing but it seems that I had something to do with the design of it, and I think it's alright, but

in running it I realize that it's really weird, like mixed up in the city, and the course is not at all clear, and there's like check points where the runners are supposed to pass through like in different houses or something, and nobody knows where, so people are running sort of everywhere, as long as they're sort of following the prize is. I'm living in a tent in this fourplex of tents with a manager. The tents are in this long grass and general idea. I don't know what the

each is more like a pup tent than a large one but we think of them as very large, like houses, with entry ways, etc. Each time I return with my bike the manager There's one person Danny. In the

has rearranged the setup of tents. I don't like in a tent, call

him

fourplex there's hardly any room to park my bike and get by the manager's tent to get to mine outside of the fourplex which really has barely more room than crawl space, but we think of this space as a yard. seems to be an empty field. There

First the tents are one

way, then I have to go by the manager's tent to get to mine, then mine is before the manager's but kitty

corner and opposite Danny's.

I'm at the university; I've taken a full load and I've been to my other courses, the last one I'm going to, the bell's about to ring but I can't seem to find the room 220. I ask someone and they tell me. Funny

narrow corridors with counters separating the areas and track lighting; everyone is sitting on bar stools. I finally locate the teacher, there's only one other

student, and he has already taken notes.

The teacher

is saying that we need to write a poem or a play or a short story, anything. He is young and very unkempt, very laisser-aller, greasy, badly cut hair, and a shirt he's been wearing course he more too but or long. it less turns lets I thought to be it was a

literature writing;

out me

creative that the

know

exposition is over for the day.

I'm thinking okay but

then I start wondering just exactly what I'm going to have to do for this course. He's gone and talking to a This is very much As I move towards to someone else,

couple of people in another area. like a modern restaurant or bar. this group he moves away to talk

called by an interpellation, something about jazz; and it turns out he dances, as I deduct from his calves, and the warm-ups he's wearing there. He has moved over

to the side door of the gym and then he comes back and sits down. I'm going I go over and ask what are the objectives; to write it down, but I've misplaced my

writing pad, I'm looking for a piece of paper, a lot of messy papers around, I get one; then he says

objectives, there's no objectives.

I'm put out, I say

the class needs objectives, that's how students know what to do, and I start to explain the logic, but he doesn't even listen and goes away, maybe with a girl. Also before I thought about asking what qualifications he had but I felt something or something because I

never did. The other student is starting to leave out of the area through the side door of the gym and I call out to him, go over and tell him I'm going to drop the class; he's uncommitted. We're reading this novel in a seminar class. We'd

just read an hallucination or dream sequence which was pretty crazy. I was eating, first one thing, and now

I'm working on this meat, raw rolled beef with lots of seasonings and a BBQ sauce rolled in. It's very red;

but it falls out of my hands and onto the ground, and I pick it up and brush it off. Then it falls again, and

I have to brush it off again, but now I'm starting to

get irritated

because the

seasonings, especially the I'm eating it

pepper, are getting brushed off also. and it's very good.

The teacher is sitting next to me;

I show it to her and I say I have to eat it's dinner time; and she says okay, if you must. Then she asks me

if I've read the chapter we were supposed to have read and I say I started it, which I had, I remember; then she reminds me that we have a paper due tomorrow, which I hadn't remembered, and it's over the hallucination sequence; at first I'm worried because it's due so soon but then I say to her no problem because it's this sequence which I can handle. It seems like the rest of I was really

the class is there but I never see them.

getting into this meat, and the whole scene was really between me and this lady who was young, pretty and

intelligent, and who seemed to show some interest in me and who wasn't disgusted by the meat. I'm going on this train very far inland or

upstream, to do some work, but I give up; there's too much road machinery, too much work going on on the

roads or the terrain, so I turn around. It's very dark, medieval; a European train. I decide to sleep. About

half-way back the train stops and I wake; the feeling

of the place resembles Cottage Grove, this small town in Oregon; I glimpse out the window lots of barbed wire and even more road machinery, and I'm thinking I won't come back here for quite a while because they're going to be working on the terrain something fierce for a long time, at least it seems that way with all this machinery, road ploughs and graders lined up one line after another. In the train station I glimpse

novelties, candy and candy bars through the window of the train as I lift the corner of the curtain. There's

no one in the dream, the train doesn't stop; I don't get up, I guess I figure on sleeping till I get back to this place like Eugene, but very dark. I'm at Leona's house but now it's large and more modern. answers; It's lunchtime; I'm outside, I ring, no one I'm inside the front door in this entry;

they're in

the dining

room eating;

I ring

again, I

don't want to disturb them, then I knock, knock again, and finally someone comes and receives me. happy to see me and I was expected. book, a present. They are

I have this little Leona won't

Things get confused.

come out or is busy, then she's coming; but then it's not her but Kathy, and she goes outside very upset and

I don't know why.

I follow her outside but she won't

stop; it's raining very hard and it's very cold and all I've got on is this thin white shirt. I'm soaked and

she won't stop; I catch up to her on the curve and we argue for a second, but I give up and go back to the house; after all, I'm thinking, it was Leona I'd come to see. But then I think that it was Kathy that was

waiting for me, like we had a date to go out; I'm sort of sad, I'm waiting for Leona to come out, and I want to see the book. Her mother pulls it slowly out of the The paper outer cover of

wrapping, a corner at a time.

the book is all torn up as if by rough treatment, and I don't understand why. However, it doesn't bother me

too much and I start looking at the book and reading it; it's like a little book of love poems or religious poems, fine paper with gold embossed edges. thing I know I'm going down the stairs of The next a large

school, there

are people

in the

corridor.

I can't

remember if I decide to go over to the lunchroom or not. Then I'm thinking that Kathy was upset because

she was waiting for me to go out to lunch, and here I'd come for Leona; and last time I was with Kathy she was

a pain, a real bother, so I really don't feel that guilty. Kathleen has brought me a note from Kathy, to make up. We're in the hallway of school, the bell has rung,

but I just woke up, and I still have to get ready, and I'm still at home. That is in the doorway, but not in And to give me the note

the doorway, in the hallway.

Kathleen plants this kiss on me, and it goes on and on, and she passes me this little piece of paper behind her back, and the kiss still goes on, and when finally she pulls away it seems like I've been kissing her breast or something distinctly lower than her mouth. Anyway I

say I've got to get my things and go to class; if she wants to come she can but she says no that really she doesn't want to, like with a little irony, like really it wouldn't be very interesting. I still have to do my There's

toilet and things so I'm going to be late.

like another girl with Kathleen over to one side and unknown. class, doesn't Also, in general I'm not happy about going to the fact that to do I have with to go, but I this was

about have

anything

Kathleen.

really surprised about the kiss and that it kept going on, but then I understood that she really liked me but

that she couldn't show it as much as she'd like because Kathy was her friend. I vaguely remember a country road at night without any traffic, and I was there, more or less pursued, and also a library where my brother and I tried to stay but we were found out and they wouldn't let us. The

sequence was the library then the country road, then a wire fence that I cross alone, then I'm crossing these woods, then grass, then there's this ploughed field and I'm concerned that it is very wet and my shoes will get very muddy, but the mud is hard and it doesn't go as far as I thought it would. and wet. It was at night and cold

In the library there were round tables; I was

supposed to study for a test but I didn't have time. I'm asking someone if they know what an obsession is and they say of course they do; I was asking because they seemed obsessed. This whole sequence was

bordering on the delirious. It seems like we're on a trip. I'm driving on

this narrow mountain road going up hill and explaining to Dio the benefits of windows; I'm saying that thus I can follow; him then this camper starts to pass but and I

follow

around

this

other

camper

without

thinking and there won't be room and I just barely pull back in time. Either before or after another scene, It

I've arrived at home, Bruce and Blake were with me.

seems like I've been away for a while; I'm looking over my house, a very large old wooden split-level on the edge of the sea. Down below they're dumping some

chemical, and over on the other side of the bay also, like yellow ammonia with suds; I start to go into the house, leave the keys in the door, and go back to

verify this dumping, look at this scene again of the chemical in the water. black. There are jetty rocks, big and

I return to the house and start to go in and

then decide to talk to Bruce about this and get his opinion, I may have to move because it might be toxic; for some reason he hasn't left yet. It was like he had

brought me home; they are unloading this truck, maybe coke, maybe ice, and they've gone down the road for another load. I see a glass with a little coke in it

and ice, and so I think they'll be back shortly, maybe I glimpse them going away from me down the road. I

turn and go back towards the house, a fantastic old structure from the outside, but I never go in, I see the keys hanging in the door. The house has large

sliding glass doors and it's up from the water but not a long ways; I was wondering just how much of the fumes would actually come in. The logic of windows was

intimately linked with the logic of driving on mountain roads, there were three obvious logical similarities

which seemed very clear at the time, but which now I can't seem to remember and formulate; probably the

logical link would be in the following and passing, that being like a move from one file to another, like the chess move, the knight L. The road where I was

passing and the load that they are unloading seem to be linked, perhaps in the likeness of the word.

Inexplicably this is the second time for windows logic tonight, which has taken on proportions of delire. My parents said I could go to Paris or someone is allowing me to go to Paris and I'm very happy. I'm

seeing myself already on the streets, and taking jazz and ballet classes. But I'm concerned about whether

I'll have enough money, I'm figuring I'll need about three thousand, and maybe I'll have enough; and then I'm even thinking about Dio being alone, and her paying the rent or otherwise helping out. Dio and I are taking jazz class. The scene changes, We have to leave

early, and we go by and tell the instructor and he like makes a won't be scene about any refund it, making and that it clear that there apply the

we couldn't

money to another class. getting worse.

We shrug it off, I say he's

We're putting on our shoes, and I don't

know where we have to be, but the class is no longer there. It's like he's moved it for some reason. The

next scene I'm with this girl.

I'm like this spy and It's

I'm forcing her to tell me where this thing is.

like her friend's or lover's and she won't tell me. We're in this cave and we had to climb this side of a hill to get there. It's been arranged to live in or at least it has some comforts. I'm thinking while I'm I

interrogating this girl where this thing must be.

try the light overhead, take out the light from the ceiling, and there are two sets of keys, one set for one lock and one set for the other, one set is composed of little L shaped keys, the other more normal. These

keys are to open a vat of ice cream, and there is this little panel on the cave wall where one inserts the keys, but this needs to be in a certain order and with certain other. time limits; we've done one, and then the

There's like a transparent cover on the vat

which needs to be turned and lifted off. opened; she's standing in the ice cream

The vat is and it is

bubbling and melting.

The trick now is to leave it for

a while and let it harden, and then use the keys again to gain access. I'm worried for a minute about the

boiling but she more or less dispels my fears, and in fact the ice cream is already starting to harden again. Her lover has been caught or is otherwise out of the picture, but even so it seems I think for a minute about him coming back to the cave, but then that fear is also dispelled, though I don't think he is really caught. Nor am I a spy, it's more like I just wanted

the ache, and maybe she's in the deal with me after all. For some reason there is also an intimation of like another scene of flying which I've

flying,

forgotten.

I don't know what the girl exactly looks

like except maybe like Kathy of the couple Rick and Kathy. There was perhaps a stunted tree by the cave and the landscape is like an old western

entrance, desert.

The strange part is when I keep asking about

the key or the clue, saying where is it where can it be, again and again, with a feeling of spiritual duress on her part, and an insistence on mine, but this is

without reality, that is, I don't seem to be actually forcing her. I'm on this bus going back to Oregon from far enough away to the east. packs, big fit girls. Then two girls come on with Maybe just one girl, now I

remember, one girl wants to move to the seat in front of mine; it's her ploy so she will be closer to me and be able to flirt with me; her friend was sitting in another seat, and they both move or only one. They're

going to camp, and I'm not too hot on camping, seems I've already done more camping than I need. She's

moving over by my seat, kind of stretches her body out, standing by my seat, she's hot. I'm thinking how I'm

going to start talking to her, or maybe I'm already talking to her. There's a scene, I'm looking at this

photo from up high, like it's on the floor and I'm standing over it; there are three girls and a cat,

Joëlle and it seems like two other French girls that I knew, but I can't remember who now, maybe one of the other girls was Joëlle's blond girl friend that I met when I met her, and maybe we were camping when the photo was taken. During the dream it seems like this

picture passed by once without getting any attention,

and then

it flashed

again and

got the

attention it During

needed, as I tried to recognize who was in it.

the dream it seems I recognized all three girls, but now I can't remember, but actually I would say that in the dream I really didn't recognize them or in some other way hadn't resolved that situation. The big girl

on the bus, we're in a bedroom, or she's alone, anyway she's explaining that she needs a big hard one. She's

got on a négligée, she comes out and while she's coming over to the bed of she's showing are me her bed as an up

illustration alongside

this; side

there of the

phalluses

going

each

headboard

like

horns

upturned, that she implies or otherwise lets me know that she can use any time she wants, the idea being that she would hold onto one and let herself down on another, but I don't seem to be intimidated, and it seems I show her mine good and ready on the bed. I'm in a small old style record store like the "House titles of and Records" I'm in Eugene. for this I have Rod my lists and of a

looking

Stewart

Sting, old stuff, new edition, music that Dio likes and not I; I'm alone. I can't find anything so I ask, and

they come up with it; I get it or I will get it, a very

vivid scene I'm looking at the cassette in my hand. go to the stacks still looking but they

I

don't have

hardly anything.

I mention this to someone, or somehow

I get the idea to go to another store, but this is going to take me on an extensive voyage, out on the freeway, etc., a real épopée. I'm out there, maybe I run out of gas or something, at any rate the little money I carry with me bails me out, maybe I was on a bus, anyway I'm explaining about how many times this little money has saved me. It seems like this dream is

not very clear because it happened a while before I woke up, like it had already faded quite a bit. There

was a ribbon on the cassette; this dream was full of intimations, bus, sex, like in the background, and the ribbon on the cassette seemed to go very deep. I'm in this small trailer in the desert. It was

Ralph's, my grandfather, but he left to live with that woman, but that doesn't make sense because I remember his big trailer, anyway, it was his trailer, Nana died and he went to live elsewhere, like in that woman's house. Now I'm living here or just passing through.

Dio was with me, but then she decided to leave me; she just left but we parted on good terms, she seemed

content and I'm not too upset because I think I want the girl in the trailer next door, and that's part of the reason why Dio left me. I go over there and I get

almost all the way to her doorstep, the back porch, but then I realize that it's too early in the morning, so I go back to the trailer. it out, but then I I think maybe I should sweep not to. I'll open the

decide

window, small cotton curtain on a small window, very small trailer, I don't see how they could live in it. The window has a view on the desert. hope Ralph doesn't get irritated I'm thinking I because I'm not

cleaning it.

Nice girl next door, I was thinking of

her as I was going over there, hair cut in bobbed, young. I was at this nice library, lots of split levels and a very and nice sort garden of in or a park hurry, like I grounds. a ways I'm and

leaving

get

remember I left my notebook and so I have to go back. When I was there before there had been some

complication which had perhaps caused me to forget my notebook. Inside and outside the library there are My notebook is up on this

these large round planters.

ledge on a pile of other books; it's white plastic and

it's open; it's like my recipe books, and there's also a computer monitor screen to the right and also high up. I take my book and join it with my other two

recipe books, and put them under my arm and start to head back out again. red-headed girl, and Then I'm talking to this fair still in the library; we're I

sitting across from each other at this round table.

say don't boys like you and she says no, apparently because doesn't she know doesn't or know the or like to cook, that or she are

like

formulas

they

interested in like recipes or making love, like the use of formulas somehow relates the two functions. I

stretch my hands across the table and say I like her, and now we have our heads under this blanket, and I keep approaching my head towards hers and we brush our foreheads, and she's feeling better, and I'm saying see I like you. Then I'm sleeping with my mother in my I'd gotten home a Father was dead

bed, no sex just sleeping together.

little late but that wasn't the point.

or otherwise gone, so for some reason she was sleeping in my bed, and was leaving her bed in her bedroom

empty, but my bed was really her bed, and for a second I think that at some point in time I might just go

sleep in it.

The next scene I'm in this school room; I'm

there's no one around; the desk is full of books.

making this board game like chess to play with myself. There's a page of codes, and there are motifs, and the object is to get the motifs together, like notably

there's a crescent within a circle, and a dot within a circle, and a small circle within a larger circle;

these are about a half an inch in diameter. The pieces seem to be made with black velvet. I'm about ready to

play, I've the pieces, a page of rules and almost a page of codes. This red-haired boy casually comes by

the desk and gets interested and asks if he can play and I say fine. And then this other boy materializes,

as if I had this class, but before I didn't; and he wants to leave early and I'm explaining that even if I liked him I couldn't let him leave early; it's a

question of about five minutes; there's the motif of the clock, and he also has red hair. They all have

light red hair and pale skin. The round motifs that all seem like they're supposed to be brought together, and the round tables, and the planters that I had walked by or around.

I'm in this document creating it; it's quite a maze, arrows running everywhere, and so I create a page or portion as a directory, and I was starting to

organize it when I woke up; I would like create an abstraction and then set it aside; it seems that this was part of something bigger. I'm inside this car with a girl, maybe my sister. It's a holiday and everyone is at home, but we're in the garage in this car, and I'm moving it trying to maneuver it into position. There is some question of

everyone going on an outing in the car, but I'm moving it; when I'm done it's like slanted downwards in a 45 degree angle and I'm quite content because no one will go anywhere. We get out. Also I'm quite content

because I've blocked in the other car over on the other side, and there are two people in it, brother and

sister or I and someone else, and they have to get out. They will have to do it dressed and standing up, I'm thinking, as I imagine him standing in the doorway and stretching out through it. This car's on a lift; they It seems

will have to go out through the other side.

like they're both light blue, maybe a 64 Chevy; maybe there was snow out. Now in the living room; they're

watching TV, maybe football, but I'm not, I've gone to my room. maneuver The important part is that I've managed to the car into this position, and maybe my

sister is disappointed because now she won't be able to go out on an outing but she seems to get over it or will. This guy and girl are talking; they seem

disembodied, neither sitting or standing or anything. He is espousing on the "it" of the seventies, like the Zen "it," withit, reality, being, existence trip. of the

She's really

proud of

how much

he's grasped

concepts and I'm brought into the conversation, and I'm saying yea you can tell he's like a new convert; and I'm saying I can tell because even though it's been a while I used to know about it too, and it's coming back to me, and I can see how he's just starting to really grasp the ideas; he knows all the slogans. I take my

index finger and catch it in the sheet of the bed to illustrate how he's caught it. have disappeared, I don't and there's wake going This couple seem to the up. around bed In where the I'm next

sleeping; segment

actually about

I'm

thinking

and

putting

together a fashion line or show, and this runs in with

my

idea

of

a

traveling

salesman

in

Oregon.

I'm

explaining to someone about my know-how in the subject, but then I think I'd have to wear a suit, etc. which I'm not too enthused about, but then I decide it's

something I could live with. I'm thinking about this particular cut of a blazer sport outfit, and I'm

thinking about this other person who could come in with me and give the project more authenticity, and maybe I mention his name to the person I'm talking to. There's this poster in orange and black, an illustration of that outfit; it's a in the art nouveau a style like The

Toulouse-Lautrec, fashion model in

black the

hat

with

feather. a

poster

becomes

renaissance

painter and at the same time comes alive on the poster, his bust coming out of the poster and turning the way he's facing from the right to the left. This was way

too much for me; and I was gasping as I came back out of the dream and woke up, thinking no, no, no; it had become too vivid. This seems like a perfect

illustration of the fact that the dream was happening right then, and of it the was "it" perhaps segment furthering which seemed the to

illustration

dissolve the scene of the conversation into me lying

here

and

now

in

my

bed, I

and

where the of

I

almost next

broke

consciousness Also the

before I

went

into

segment. for the

friend

was

thinking

getting

project was a painter, maybe like the person in the poster; maybe the idea of dissolving identities on

converging likeness. I'm living in Paris and I've two or three

roommates, but it looks like I'm going to have to go back home because the money is running out, or perhaps the supply will be cut off. There was a party, we were We stop

out on the town like a carnival sort of thing.

in this little old world restaurant for a short thirst quencher. person is The owner, another person, and I; the other drinking very strong coffee, the owner a

little thimble of snaps and I a bit of water.

Before

this I was sitting in this booth with Carol and there might have been some to-do about who I was going to sleep with, or maybe it was after we broke up. And I

was thinking who I'd like to have a relation with, and I'm thinking the next girl, whether she be this one or the other, I want to keep my apartment so I'll have someplace where I can go to be alone. I've already

more or less decided on this one girl, and I picture

her place which seems like fifties style, and she's got a daughter. We leave the restaurant, and I arrive

home, a small wood beach house. going to be leaving soon.

All my roommates are

I'm thinking maybe I'll stay

another month; it doesn't depend so much on money as my love life, so I'm thinking maybe I'll hang around and see if it gets better. I go out on the porch to look

at the ocean, and it's crashing heavily, hard to tell how high the waves are but they're big. I call my

friend out to see also, and I start to approach; there were dunes in the vista but now there are none. Now

it's a river at the mouth of the ocean I realize as I approach the shore and what is happening is a series of very large pororocas, large waves coming up the river from the ocean. At first alongside the river resembles

the Seine in Paris but now it's like a regular terrain, a typical river bank. A station wagon arrives full of Lots of people are along I want to get

black people who want to see. the shore.

Two rushes of water go by.

closer, and anyway lots of people are closer. I notice that the shore is muddy, another wave comes and goes by and the ground is slipping, and I'm being drawn into the wave, and I fight to get back up the shore, and now

I'm lying down and sliding. out of reach before I wake up.

It seems like I make it

Diomar and I broke up but that's alright because there are two girls I want to go out with, Carol and her friend. In a restaurant I'm flirting with one and Or it seems I'm selling my bike to her

then the other.

brother at her house, and I'm explaining all these new parts that it has, a sprocket, handlebars, chain, etc. And I sold something to her also. I start to worry a The

little if they'll pay me, but they allay my fears.

girl and I are almost lovers; she kisses me for the first time when I leave, and also to show good faith for this thing I sold her. Then I'm riding home on my

bike, hoping Dio doesn't find out because I don't want to hurt her, and I'm very happy with this girl because she has a degree in English Literature, but then I

think that that's no reason to choose her over Dio. Then I'm riding, it's afternoon and hot and in the

desert, over this trail, probably to this other little village. worse. The trail is sandy and seems to be getting I'm hoping I can make it before dark, and then

I'm thinking I hope I don't have to come back over it. There's some sharp curves, ups and downs, I come over

this little hill and the trail ends, a small sand dirt cliff, and beautiful water, a craggy tree to the right. The shore line is very uneven but not too high up from the water. It seems like a lake but I think it's an inlet of ocean. It's very hot and I'm thinking I want A small station wagon

to go swimming before I go on.

is coming back over the trail the other way, and I think if I get a flat or something a car can always help me, but I really can't see how that car can go on this trail the because car it's too narrow. that other I'd Looking been out

towards before,

I've

realized from the

there and

except

coming

direction,

another point of view, which is why I hadn't noticed until now, and I remember that after this uneven craggy part it smoothes out, which helps to allay my anxiety. The romance with that girl was just taking off. Also they'd given me something to eat and I was going to repay her by inviting her over. that it was working out so well. I'm walking on this sidewalk or getting out of a car. There's a black girl with this guy, who's not as I was pretty happy

macho as I would have imagined her preference would be. Now I'm with her, and we're waiting for something, it's

night.

I can't remember what we're waiting for; it's

sort of like we've been thrown together for the night. I really like her. but I think she She's quite beautiful and strong, finds me too fine or too

probably

adolescent.

Anyway I want to be with her all night,

even though I'm thinking I'll be tired the next day, at home with my parents after the trip; it seems there might be some driving involved, perhaps afterwards.

I'm sitting in this car and she's a ways away and I'm thinking I want her and even though I don't think

she'll go for it I'm deciding to go ahead and make a pass. I'm thinking what the heck she was with that guy

who was sort of effete before, and my mind pictures his thin fine forearm, which might have been mine after all. I'm in this stone cave which isn't very large. This girl has rejected me and is meditating or saying her votives. She has on this silk see-through pajama I go over and saying

open in front and her legs are crossed. kneel in front of her, full of

devotion,

something like please let me say I won't bother you, etc.

Mother is going to Mexico, a new place where she hasn't been before, and she has to show me on the map. There's all kinds of islands and lakes. eat before she leaves, maybe to We go out to celebrate her

independence because she's going alone. get the house to myself.

Also I might

I remember walking between

the tables, and it seems I helped someone with their chair. Now I'm rather reluctantly going to visit these

friends who are camping. I have to follow this tree line with a field down to this point where there's

water, a lake.

I can see this van, a dark color, and Now Bruce

then some people are coming in my direction.

is with me and he's worried about his jeep, that these people are going to draw on it. I finally get there I'm seeing

either walking or driving with difficulty.

this girl romantically and she comes over before she goes to work or on holiday, and she has a little girl. They arrive and I meet them. She reminds me of an

actress I knew.

Perhaps related to the previous girl, I can't pay the So I'm thinking I

I'm living in an apartment in Paris. rent or don't want to any longer.

should live with her, and I'm thinking how to ask her about it with tact. Perhaps it's her, perhaps another,

I get

this perfect

kiss, mouth

open just

the right

amount, just the perfect suction; it continues for a very long time, but completely disembodied. I'm in this retail outlet like a Payless and I've got these two very very old checkers working for me, so old they're barely able to stand, and their hands are numb and cold, and the man doesn't seem to have any fingers on his one hand; someone keeps insisting from somewhere that I get or keep them moving, get them

involved; this voice or whatever keeps insisting and I'm getting more and more irritated, I'm just about ready to quit and walk out, when bursts through these double bar doors a large group of party goers, At

revelers, who all seem to be part of my family.

first I'm really happy to see them, as though I'd been waiting bursting for them, though doors I hadn't a been and their

through

the

was

complete

surprise.

There's a rush for the chairs, and who I thought was going to end up in certain places didn't, it was like reversed in the rush, and I have Harold on my right and Blake on my left; all animated and energetic, but

they've brought all this smoke which is starting to asphyxiate me; they're smoking; I start complaining and

they say at least I don't have to smoke them, which is even worse. I was sitting in the middle of this curved

booth at a round table; it seems like I get up to go to the bathroom. Next scene there's this hillside, like

at Leona's; there's a shed, a fence, and she's strung this rope or cord around it in this manner to make the outline of a sail boat, and maybe it's moving up the hill, maybe it's stationary, but she's showing me

saying look I made this.

Then I go into this wooden There's these workers, I'm going to

building to go to the bathroom.

and maybe I'm one too, like on the job.

the room that's supposed to be the bathroom, maybe I pass the boss, anyway the room has had all the

latrines, two on one wall and two elsewhere, filled with plaster so one can no longer use them. I say

something and someone tells me to use the two holes up to the left, two or three stairs and these two holes cut in the wooden flooring, one and then the other, and I'm thinking the no same that as won't on the work. Then this girl, blond,

perhaps

hillside,

fair,

simple and cute, has this black ball about the size of a tennis ball through which she is sticking this

pencil-like rod.

She sticks it through three or four

times talking about how this is like the cave and I think she asks me if there really is a cave, and then she starts twisting this black rod inside of the ball, giving the impression of mixing it up inside, a feeling like it's passing through sand. I'm walking down this street; it's very dark; it seems like night but it's not. the theater there's a very A half block down from alley or walkway

narrow

between a building and a wall. remember having taken it a

I'm on acid, now I earlier. I was

little

running wildly in this field, hearing comments like he really lets it go or something to that effect. Anyway

now I'm in this alley, just a crack, to take a leak, but the cars going by would still be able to see me. I

almost desist but then I realize that I can go further in and the alley opens out, where I could piss against the wall, but there's this guy watering his grass with a hose. me. I hesitate but do it anyway; he calls out to

It turns out he's the owner of this hotel there,

two story wood, stairs running up the back; he's black and thin. I say, wouldn't be a chance of him arranging I was joking when I said

me a Saturday night special.

it but then I'm thinking seriously that maybe at this

season he's too full, Saturday night special implying with a girl, and he sort of laughs, says yea, he's been trying to get these three guys, acquaintances of his, and five girls together, like they'd pay and the excess money would pay for the other two girls, and plus that way the wife wouldn't suspect anything, be like a real orgy, he says. Next thing I know I'm running in this

field, with some other friends also, we're tripping. Two girls are naked and I see the backside of one

running and I think she must be embarrassed because really we're getting close to civilization, that is to normal people, or we're going in that direction. So I

think I'll run after her and give her some cover so she won't feel naked or alone. In the back of my mind I'm

thinking I'll probably take advantage of this cover to be intimate; she has fair skin and a nice build. In a classroom, this girl and I; she is cute, smallish and wearing a red or purplish sweater. I'm

sitting at my bureau; she moves to one side of the room. breasts; The question she is where over my lips me come and on her

then

comes

behind

presses

against me; my head falls short of her breasts, and I put my arms up and lay them against her breasts as a

sort of proof that I was right. general confirmation in the

There seems to be a which feels like

class,

it's there but isn't. I'm driving up into the mountains with my

girlfriend, like Bear Creek or Fall Creek.

We get to a

certain point and I don't think the road is very good because I stop the car. There are two falls, one to

the right and one to the left; we're in the middle of this stream which is very shallow where we are, but very spread out and which has its source in the dam on the right. I'm trying to take a picture but I can't get the right angle, even lying down. We get out of the

car and at first we are walking, and then maybe we're actually on all fours because it's a little slippery, grassy tufts and rocks. We're trying to maneuver so I It's like a vast a mass of water

can show her the dam to the right. estuary and there's even more of

further ahead and that comes more directly from the dam; finally we get to the point where she can see and so we turn around and go back. And I also point out the dam on the left, which is surprisingly high and large and distant, and which estuary also runs into the flat land where we are. We're further from the car than I

would have thought and it's going to take a while to pick our way back. We're back at my parents house.

I'm going to have to take a shower before I leave and she'll have to wait, it's Kathy; and I have to go on a trip, and it's a forced separation. I'm taking a

shower, but I'm not in the shower, I've left it running and I'm cleaning my nails which were very dirty, like I'd been working on the car, and at the same time I'm thinking that she's waiting for me and I really don't have that much time left to spend with her, and I'm wasting it in the shower, and she's having to deal with my parents. Anyway, I finally move into the shower

which has been running all this time and is losing its hot water; I wash off my nails and get out. I'm out in the flat lands driving and I don't know why, perhaps I'm looking for something. The road's These

like in Mexico, there's a long straight stretch.

big American cars like Fords and Chevys are passing like veritable race cars they're so fast. And I think

I'm lucky I saw that before I tried to pass because they go so fast that it changes the amount of time one thinks one has. The next one goes by me with the motor

winding tight and it sounds like an Indy car.

Dio and I have gone to the laundromat, a place that I know, this room, and it’s night; it's part of some business or something, there's no it's part of this We huge

supermarché, but

one there.

go out,

walking down the isles, from the room into this like Pacific Fruit & Produce warehouse. We go by this area

to the left that has been arranged to have this special for a certain holiday; I'm not sure what the special day is but there's a display of coke. someone hears this, and he comes I pop a can, but down to see what

happened. the coke

I perceive that someone's coming and leave sitting on a counter. We're back with the

washing machines, he appears, a patron type, stocky, mustache; at first he's put out, mad, but then it's okay; it seems like he glimpses the coke but he doesn't make a deal of it. He says he would go to, talking

about going snow skiing, it's a great opportunity he says, that we are taking advantage of, but he can't because of his shoulder, just won't take it. I picture

or we see the ski slope, which doesn't seem at all threatening, like it would be easy to ski just taking it easy, and physically this man seems in fine shape, as he like moves his shoulder and goes away. We go out

walking, a German village and then a field. I see these marvelous little windows in this house and point them out to Dio, like a doll house almost. Off on the other

side of this field there's another house, like a row of houses or a long house, and in it too is a section with these cute little windows. To get closer we run in the

field but its been recently cultivated and I say to Dio that we shouldn't run here because were smashing the seedlings and sure enough just as we get close enough to look at the windows there's this little lady

gesticulating in the windows that we shouldn't be there and to get off the plants. I make a motion implying

that I know this, but that we wanted to look at the windows, which seems to placate her for a moment. This

man is yelling at us from the first place which at first seems distant, but then it's closer, and then he's coming out and running at us with his fist raised; but almost immediately he calms down and starts talking in this good English, turns out he was looking more for an opportunity to use his English than anything else; also he seems attracted to Dio, like he wouldn't mind prying her away from me. He looks the same as the

first man and in fact it seems like we never actually left the supermarché, that it's all just part of it. Two hours later in the early morning we're making love in this field, like the one in the previous dream; there's a shed, or what's left of one in cement. Dio

and I, but she's mad at me or something, anyway she won't open up, she's too tight and I can't get it in, and I keep saying open up and she keeps saying she's doing the best she can. excited. I'm up high like in a theater loge or on the ridge of a hill; I come upon this girl, and we're going to make love there and we have to be careful not to fall. It might seem like I'd been going from loge to loge; the dream was vague. It's diagnosis folie. windey, is on a swimming board laps to in the the pool; my We're both very erotically

next

pool,

perhaps

The dream is in silence.

There can't be any

carryover of any kind, otherwise the name, his work, is subsumed. I'm the gardener for this estate; it's a full time job, but I don't work very much. My employer, a woman

in her forties and okay, is leaving for a while or

rather has left and has returned; she is absent quite a bit. The house has flat roofs and is very spread out, There

and the garden is a sort of courtyard affair.

are roses and I've planted some firs which are rather large and a couple of small pine looking things. I'm

telling her they're growing fine, but I can't remember exactly how much they've grown so I go out and look; I'm amazed that they've grown so much, almost to the edge of the roof. At first I thought that they weren't

getting the sun but then I see that they get all the afternoon sun, anyway the two little nubs have just shot up; I even think for a minute that they've grown too much. There's a lawn chair where I sit and look at

the roses, and she was saying how that probably blocks the sun, but it turns out it doesn't. I'm working with two literary passages which seem like Othello and perhaps a sonnet, and I have some sort of formula that I'm applying to them both to derive a conclusion or make a comparison; the formula that I'm

applying to the sonnet seems particularly complicated, so much so that I write it down. I lapse into a deeper

sleep and when I come back out I'm thinking it’s good I wrote down the formula because now I don't remember

anything at all; but then I notice that I really didn't write down anything and try after and all and so I was wake up

completely

remember

what

actually

happening, which is this, I go back to sleep (I really do go back to sleep and the next time I wake it's 12:30 am). I'm dreaming I'm using a formula with a third

document with particular good effect but this time I don't have to write it down because it's not so hard, except that now awake I don't remember anything. I'm sitting on a bench in the street in Paris, because I'm not working that day; somehow I end up

talking with this person there, and then Dio arrives; these logics are hard to grasp, but it seems like he's saying that we don't conserve properly, and he has

rather radical arguments. ocean in an voice ocean is liner, still

Then I'm going across the Dio is to sleeping. me, saying This for

person's

talking

example that this boat being very far from the water there's no pleasure in letting a bottle of shampoo

empty into the water; if one was closer to the water one could experience the sensation better, of the

shampoo dropping into the water and making a lather as we went by. So I'm on the side of the ocean liner and

I take this bottle of cheap shampoo and let it flow out into the water and I see he's right, that I'm too far from the water and going too fast to experience it. try to get into it anyway. I

The boat is making an arc,

and in fact we're approaching a port, much sooner than I'd expected; in the dark one can see the outlines of the buildings. I let the empty plastic bottle of

shampoo drop, still trying to experience some pleasure, but I only get a little; the logic is that it would Dio is

need to be more real and closer to the water.

still sleeping but there was a problem because someone almost woke her up; rather, I didn't want her to wake because I was flirting with a girl. The reversed logic

is like that of the mirror image which reverses, and this also occurred between the dark port which I saw on the right, but which felt like it was on the left, and the next dream of the trip into the tropics, first gets there by liner, which seems to approach the coast on its left. I'm in this room in the tropics, perhaps a ship's cabin; this woman is with me and it is time for me to go, my time has come, the door is closed, I'm sitting at this dressing table; we remember together how we got

there, and there is a somewhat eulogistic commentary by her, because it seems I'd sacrificed more than the

normal. tropics.

It's a question of a very long voyage in the I picture a map of South America and instead

of the route going along the Pacific coast as I would of thought, it goes inland and then down through the middle until about two thirds down, following along a grand river for most of the way, a river like the

Amazon but not where it should be.

There are scenes of

the voyage, the many rivers we had to ford, some very large and we had to leave the vehicle on the other side and sometimes wait for some time to get across. Then

we're back in this room and I'm at the dressing table, and it seems like everyone is outside and waiting for me or in waiting, and this woman gives me three tubes of lipstick like things, which I pass over my lips, each of them, and then put away in a cylinder; and she asks how it is to pass over my lips with death, to touch nothingness with death; and we look at each

other, and we are going to wait now for it to come. I had performed this serious surgical operation, and I'm in the cafeteria eating, and there are four plates. Someone puts a steak on each plate, for each

of us, and after a moment another large one on two of the plates. They haven't been cooked yet, and the two

plates with all the steak are for me and my patient because he needs it and I worked hard. There's quite a

bit of fat on one of my big steaks and I tear it off. Also this young girl comes up and acts like she knows me, something I was worried about and that she wasn't supposed to do, because I didn't want anyone to know; we'd been doing things and she wasn't supposed to let anyone know, but I guess she didn't understand that, she came up and gave me a kiss or touched me. I've spent the day in this town, I don't know why, it seems like I'm bumming. I'm trying to think what to

do, and I end up on the outskirts of the city, and also on the outskirts of this professor’s yard; one can tell it has that feel; and I'm moving from bush to bush watching, wondering if I can go and present myself, and then this other professor, a guest, sees me and waves at me or something and I approach, but the wife is not so receptive; she's professional, almost a business

woman.

I'm dirty and unkempt; and they have a swimming

pool that I'd very much like to take advantage of to clean up, but I don't. The two profs are okay, we talk

a bit.

In the next scene I'm sitting at this small

kitchen table with a brother and sister, children of this other professor. They're eating and they finish.

He asks how was my visit to the others and I say okay; we were going to talk about work but we didn't. Then

I'm by myself and I'm thinking that one of the reasons I left the first prof's place is that they were going to have this party. The fancy invitations didn't have They were fancy, lyric riddles,

me on them, obviously.

very cute, but that I didn't think were at all funny, repeating funny words in this stuttering rhythm, very now and chic. The first professor asks me what I'd

been doing all day; seems I'd seen a bit of a parade, a section, I don't think I liked it. I just had all this

time to kill in this town, and nothing to do, and for some reason I'd left my address book elsewhere, and I really didn't have any idea where I could go, and then I came on the idea to go to this professor’s house. I'm on a prison grounds looking for this girl. I

know a name but it is probably false, but I do know that she's very violent. The layout is like in a

mental hospital. the buildings and

I'm walking on the grounds between talking to the warden, and we're

trying to figure out who it must be. Renée. French. dangerous.

Her name is like

It's the environs of Paris; it is happening in He says it must be this one who is very

Her name doesn't match and I think it's not

her but I let him try anyway; he has to go into this building and then outside where there's a walkway going from this office to her room. I'm supposed to stay Another man has there very

back and let him know if it's her. opened the door to the outside;

he goes

cautiously, and when she opens her door she attacks him. It's not her. Then I'm with her and we're making

love; she is very animal, very violent, but she doesn't have another lover, and she says she'll stay with me. I'm thinking about ejaculating but I decide not to for the moment; this isn't the first time; she is large and beautiful, short hair, little nose, powerful, maybe

slightly taller than I, exactly like another girl, a ballerina. I'm in Paris staying in this small room next to this other room, where there's another person, a girl, who is subletting to me; she's not pretty and rather graceless. it's night. I've only a little cot like for camping and I lift up my bedding and take out my

windbreaker from beneath and from there I take out my money; I've only got 15 dollars to go for two weeks, and even though my room's paid I can see that it won't make it, especially if I'm going to go out sometimes in restaurants; so I'm thinking I'm going to have to call home tomorrow so they can send money. I'm a bit upset

that I've miscalculated my money, and a bit ashamed that I've got to call. Before I was walking in these

woods, tame like the Bois de Bologne, and I came out on this river with cement banks like the Seine in Paris. At this moment a woman comes up in a car, sees me and says to someone to call the authorities because I was screwing up everything. to get out from down I hear this and make an effort in there, and doing this I

understand that she's not going to call anyone now. She's elegant and rich. Then I come to the end of the

way, at least for my interests, because it enters into these cement block and house I like things, want to like go in a cave

without

windows,

don't

there.

Before this I was walking in this desert; it seems like California but I'm amazed by the beauty of the rocks and soil, sandstone formations and reds that I hadn't paid attention to before, but of a singular beauty, and

surprisingly close to home.

I walk and walk on this

little trail, and up ahead I see four branches of the trail which will cross this little ridge in four

different places, all extremely beautiful, but each of the four places of a distinct difference. I also turn

around and look back from where I'd come, these rocks. I decide to take this one and come out through the woods. I don't know if it's me, it might be a young boy with whom I sympathize and who has told me this. in a telephone four for booth a like dollar, one in where a one takes store He's the like

photos

drug

Woolworths.

He pulls back a curtain and there's this

man, misty, faded, an apparition, ski sweater in black and white; it seems like this is the third time he's appeared tonight in this series, but the other two were vague and less threatening or less significant, and

just passed over; the last one I associate with an old house but I can't remember; and now I remember, Dio and I are traveling; we're in this cheap, seedy, small, white-washed wood hotel room, and we decide to leave early, but I have to go to this house and pick up some stuff first. I'm going there, on an old bike, a big

white house, and I pass this bus stop; and this boy and girl who live there are waiting to take the bus. They

say I can still get in the door around back on the other side, lift up the mat, pull it open and squeeze through; then she decides to go with me, saying that if she misses the bus she can always catch the next one. She is maybe Kathy of Rick and Kathy. I'm taking the

stuff out of the house, it's not worth much, two small boxes first, that I find in this one room; and then a tool box, which at first I reflect that I don't need a tool box, but then I think it might be useful on the trip. The room seems like a hippie sort of layout;

that man appears outside the door and she's gone; the scene changes to the telephone booth where I'm calling. It's a logical problem, trying to improve my

logical position; down in there it's a real fatras, and I can't make out anything clearly. We're two or three guys and we're like doing this thing on girls, like picking them up and then taking them for their money. Two of us have scored, seems like big time. We're walking on this sidewalk, very elated,

not actually counting our money but thinking about the gain, and also the future gain. The sidewalk is dark

like

a

corridor,

in

reality

because

there's

nothing Now

else, just

fades into

more and

more darkness.

we're three and one's paying the other, fixing an old debt, just a little thing. We're thinking about who's I think about

car we're going to take to go cruising.

mine, to offer it, and I picture the image of it, a 67 or 68 Pontiac or Impala convertible; it's in good

condition except the top is kind of falling in on the drivers side and the top is wet from all the rain, but the water won't use hasn't got inside, but it, but because I that's not have my why we papers

don't

because I'm a foreigner, like living in Paris, the idea being that the authorities somehow pick up on this. Then we're in a car and we're going to this little grocery store to pick up something to eat, and en route I'm thinking about this guy who picked up some food or sent us some that we ate, and how we were going to pay him back, and then I decide not to worry about it. What we're getting is horrible stuff, jelly, canned

stuff just to eat with a spoon out of the can or jar; it's a little store like Lone Pine or out Bailey Hill. The other guys never take on any materiality, like

shadows in the drama.

We're in a veritable dédale of a hypermarché, a girl, maybe my sister, my parents, and I; we've bought these things and we’re going out. I'm paying, or I get

behind somehow; there's all these different turnstiles and levels; we get the car, but then we have to go through these different check points, this is very

complicated and baroque; and I have to go take care of something in this other department. Mother has gone

ahead in the car, down this ramp and to the right, and then I'm following this direction; then I'm in this crowded part of the store and this man has got this pipe and he almost hits me with it; it seems like my sister is following me, and then this other man with a metal rod, again he's not paying attention. We go out

through this other turnstile where we had to check a piece of papers, paper; we but then have to car is confer with nowhere these other This

the

around.

attendant sees us hesitating and he says maybe it's in the something lot over there, and we have to go through this other section of the store to get there. We come

out the front into the lot but I don't see our car. Through all this I've been walking quickly, almost

frantically, but there's no hurry; and checking those

little slips of paper, for a minute I was afraid we were going to get in trouble, have problems, but then it went through okay. I bought this old truck and I'm working on the motor a bit to get it running; and a friend comes who is very dubious, but then I start it up and it runs. He's still dubious; I drive it a ways up this little grassy slope; I stop it and turn it off. It has tunes

that go on when you turn it on, and better than just a regular radio. It was my friend that drove it. We're

cleaning the front which is covered with moss, leaves and twigs; and then up around the cab, and then back around the hood; finally we get the hood to shut

completely and my friend is surprised; I pass my hand along the seam between the hood and the fender and it's flush and he's thinking maybe I got a good deal after all. Then I get in to try it again. I have to crawl

in through this window opening or small opening; it's square and flips up, almost like a military vehicle, and it's about the size of a car window. I crawl in

and turn it on and this nice music comes on when I turn the key.

The logic of a search at Marina del Rey; this keeps coming back, the third time; put in code, then subject, and then wait for the output, which seems easy but in the dream it it is extremely from someone complicated, else, like

especially

taking

over

filling in or passing it on, each step, such as, code, enter, is two steps, and takes on a huge significance, an importance and is depth extremely a elaborated of thing and that so

exaggerated; bitch and

this her

probably a

reflection little

making

silly

complicated; it's like one of those roads in Mexico that goes on and on; they say five miles and it's ten or fifteen, and it just goes on and on and one keeps wondering when one is going to get to the end. I'm out to dinner with Ralph; there was

conversation but I can't remember what it was about; we've been reconciled for the moment. We're leaving

and I'm driving, and instead of going down the coast to Laguna Beach I go to west Eugene, instead of going

south on 30th Avenue, and I think well I'll just go back around following the edge of the hills, but the road keeps going and going without a branch to the

left; when finally I get to it, and by now it should be

a

street

called

City

View,

it

isn't

but

I

take

it

anyway and go up.

We get up in the hills and I'm

telling Ralph I used to walk around up here, all the way from here over to the west, just walking around in the woods. Also when we are coming out of the

restaurant I'm wondering if he's going to invite me in so I'll see if his I'll about new see the wife him and his house; and I'm then not the I'm too road

wondering

again

enthusiastic

prospect.

Anyway

peters out and I start to turn around; it seems like I have a jeep. following this I back up and then start to go forward, gravel road or path, but instead of

being the road like it was it leads into this ditch or gully, and I see this, but the car just keeps on going; the rocks keep getting bigger and bigger, and finally the car is stuck on these boulders. Ralph doesn't seem

too miffed; there are these big strong guys over there, it's a water sport diversion place; but there's these black mattresses stood up and this one guy is punching it or stabbing it like in a sort of workout. thinking maybe we can get them to help. I'm

Ralph takes

the initiative and goes over and tells them we need to get the serial number off the bottom and could they

help us lift it up, this is his ruse to get them to help us get it out of there. I say it'll just take a

second as we're walking over there. There's two of them and they're kind of hesitant, but I'm imagining it'll work. I'm at this party, Dio's there but she's across the room; this girl comes up to me, a lover; in fact I vaguely remember the last time we were together, either in reality or a dream, and she's very lovey, giving me little kisses, and then a big one; and I look over worried that Dio might see, but I don't see absolutely anyone. counter. We're on the other side of this big science Then I'm in this forest and it's raining.

Then I'm way over the earth, like flying in an airplane but the view is complete and unhindered by a window. Down below I see the trees that seem like I rows see of the

little

cones.

Then

I'm

much

higher

and

clouds moving

over the

same area

of trees;

and I'm

thinking how extremely watery it all is; for someone coming from another planet they would find us and our world very watery, wet and fluid. It seems like I'm in this motorcycle rally, a

mostly gravel road.

I'm taking my time because I've

got a nice bike and I don't want to get it dirty from the mud puddles in the road, or get me dirty splashing, or the splashes from other bikes coming the other way. I go by a guy who's got a back flat or who's lost the back wheel completely. station so I go on. He's got some way to the repair

Just the road, I'm weaving around

the puddles, otherwise nothing; I also don't want to get the motor wet or it will die. It is very dark and bleak, out on back roads. I'm

with this person; I've switched cars, I was in this little one with this other guy but he's going somewhere I don't want to go. very proud of it. Now I'm in this camper and he's

I drink some water out of the faucet

and it tastes horrible, and he has me turn on this other faucet, yellow water, and he has me wash my hands and drink it; I think the taste is better. Then I'm

with this other person; four people in this little car, which by the way it handles on these back dirt roads he goes over this little hill and then veers - I remark that it's four wheel drive. It's then that I get out

hoping to get another ride, like he wasn't going where I wanted.

I'm living in this apartment; I don't ever see my parents but it seems like it's their house. Leona

comes over and we smoke some pot and we're going to go see this movie, but having smoked I get too high to go, vague intimations of sex. Later, perhaps another day,

Leona comes back; she takes me out on the balcony to talk to me, probably trying to convince me to go to the movie, but I'm preoccupied with getting a kiss; she plays coy, and so I say I'll take her to the movie if I get the kiss. It seems like I probably get the kiss

but then I start maneuvering trying to get out of the film even though it seems like a film I wanted to see. We're playing on the beach or I'm at the beach with friends. My consciousness only notices the level

of the water; at first I notice it's quite a ways out and the next time I notice the water has risen right to where I'm at; it seems like there's a wall of water there and that the sand slopes down very sharply,

though it doesn't.

Everyone panics and clears out as

the water mounts and mounts, but I don't and take it easy. I get caught in the water which is warmer than I

thought it would be, comfortable; at first shallow the current sweeps me along the shore going inland, sliding

I let myself go still further letting the current sweep me and guiding myself slightly as I go; now the water is sweeping across a parking lot or next to it and I ride it by, thinking calmly where I'm going to get off. I hear vague suggestions about doing this or that or going here or there; I swirl past the parking lot and up a little further past a park bench on the other side of me, and a ways further where I get out. the water seems dirty or muddy, and At the last why it

that's

slides so well, but at first it's a clear bright blue. I'm working on a document in the shell which is very rough cut and I have to go through a lot of

programs.

Then suddenly it's morning, I'm sleeping and I answer thinking it's work but I put opposite ear, but it's very early

the phone rings. the phone on the

morning, about 3 am, and mother is calling to tell me that the little boy across the street has died, a

certain Thomas.

I picture the street where they lived I think perhaps this

before, but I don't know the boy.

is an allusion to their health, and so I ask how they are, and then things get a little dark and she sort of says not so well, but they're getting on, nothing

serious; then the dream moves back to the shell and

this

document,

which

by

the

repetition

has

become

delirious; it goes on and on and many of the functions don't work, and so I have to bypass them or use

another, tedious. I'm in the 54 Chevy and I've gotten to the top of this rounded hillock, but now I can't get down; and the hill is all grassy and very wet because of the rain. There's a road that winds around all the way around, but I'm telling someone or friends, I've never made it down in such circumstances without sliding off out of control, and I'm thinking to myself - and getting in trouble with father; so we're up there considering the situation, and I'll have to reluctantly do it because I can't stay there. I wake, there were two other parts to the dream it seems, but I fell back asleep and waking again I can no longer remember them. They're there,

another part is a program, arrived up there, I can't use it without sliding too much, especially the part that I've made. The third part is the woman's sexual

identity which is distinct and unique, and based on her three mounds, the breasts and the pubis, and which are not as sensitive to pressure as the male genitals, and

so she can press with them, protuberances much easier to make felt and to feel. An all night party sequence, it starts out I

reluctantly visit Harold; I get there and he's leaving, and it doesn't appear he's going to leave me a car; Blake arrives with a girl; like Janet said he'd arrive shortly and maybe he can help me out. He arrives but

he's going to use his car and the extra one Janet was thinking of isn't really. I'm thinking this is the

last time I come here, going to be stuck here in the house with no way to go out. Next I'm at this party at

another house, tired; I've set my head back and it's got sticky. I've got to go to bathroom. I find this

room but that doesn't work, an elaborate way of locking the door; I find this other room, very large with a small toilet way over to one side. shut the door, again an I think to go and shut and lock

elaborate

assembly, a knob and a sliding bar, and just as I get the door shut a young boy comes forward from out of the shadows. I get irritated a little and let him out.

Next I'm walking at night and I have to catch this boat. There's this woman, she's going too, a narrow I think really

shaded alley between two buildings.

I've

got

to

wash

this

powdered

sugar

off

that

I'd

discovered leaving the party, it's like the back half of my head is harlequin white, but it's sticky and not comfortable. Down this alley walking I'm thinking

maybe I can find a faucet and wash off my hair since I'm going to have to take this trip, and I don't want this sugar in my hair all this time; and then I even see this hose, but there seems to be someone using it, but they finish. watch my bag. I ask this woman with me if she'll

She's impatient, she has to make a phone

call or something, but she says okay if I'll give her a dime. I feel in my pocket and extraordinarily enough

there seems to be some change; I kind of lead her on a moment, saying is there or isn't there, and then I take out my change and there's like two pennies, a nickel and a dime. I give her a penny as a joke and then the

dime; but now I'm remembering that I don't have my bag, blue canvas like in Eugene, and I'm wondering where I could have left it, thinking I can't go back all the way to the origin. I ask the woman when the boat

leaves and she says five o'clock pm, which gives me enough time since I've realized that I must have left my bag at the house where there was the party, and at

the same time I think that I can also wash my hair there. I start off to go there, a road out in the

middle of nowhere, a gravel pull off. I'm with Carol and this other girl in a European town; she wants to prove something about this vat of devils fornicating and takes us there. She and I get

in and we start to change into their forms, elongated, bony, a red bubbly liquid, in to our waists or further. The other person on the side is screaming don't do it, frantically worried that we'll lose ourselves. Then

I'm with her outside and it's Carol with another still in the vat. She's taunting him saying come to me come

to me and he keeps changing, almost there, he raises a thin hand with long thin nails like claws to touch her, but instead and with the help of her will power that has just changed he uses one of the nails to clip off the cock's red protuberance growing out of his head and as he knocks or scrapes it off he changes back slowly into normal and then the two of them get out of the vat. I'm him again and Carol's saying see we did it.

Cobblestone street, and our friend is happy that we weren't lost forever. During this from time to time

one catches glimpses of these figures half immersed in

the vat, one of this slimy, thin man.

Before this I

was at Carol's party but she'd left to go get some food or something; before that I'd tried to call her, like I'd run into her and she'd invited me but I didn't have her address. I was quite bothered, I couldn't think of

how to get there, and then I thought of the operator; I tried this one name, for some reason like her married name though I don't know of her being married, and he doesn't find anything; then I tried her real name; he said searching, it's there and then it came up, and I was elated enough but then I get to the party and she's not there; any other people are essentially shadows, my parents from their house when I'm calling, the people at the party, the only the other of girl almost takes to on be

reality;

attraction

the

vat

seemed

constant sexual pleasure, eternal. I'd been watching these scenes from the life of Bruce and Gail, but not real scenes; it seems like an image; I'd watched them enter this river, and then I go back somewhere like out of the dream and get Dio, and bring her here to this shore. I say watch this, this They enter the

was the worst time of Bruce's life.

water; there's a fallen tree, now only a log, about

twelve feet long and a foot wide; they step over it and start going down stream. thin, it's drugs. log breaks loose Bruce's eyes are sunken, he's

Dio and I follow a bit behind, the from its position and causes some

problems in getting over. knee deep.

The water there is about

Then we start swimming down stream; the I catch up to I notice Dio

water has become swifter and deeper. Gail who invites me to go with her;

swimming over to the left, even though Dio can't swim; to Gail I acknowledge okay. The river is now very

swift, it seems to make a curve or fork and the idea is to follow this whirlpool around and go back up the

river on the other side, following the natural current, but I quickly lose Gail, lost Dio. people seem to be in the water, Quite a few other and caught in the

current it is much stronger than I thought it would be, and deep, and I don't have enough power to break the current’s downward force, and I can't follow the minor current around, but am forced on down the river. I go

a long ways before I can finally get to shore, maybe 200 yards and I'm upset because now I'll have to walk back up river. It seems like early mid-summer, lots of

people in the river, in this shallower part with less

current. was in

Families, it must be a Sunday. this I'm class arriving of something,

Before this I like I'm math not

seems late,

perhaps;

unprepared,

but

worried because this class is a breeze; but then I get there and it's like the day of midterm. I look at the

questions on the board and I don't know the answer to any of them; a I hadn't even opened the I book, which by

resembles looking aren't

typing at

class

book;

this

surmise

around written

everyone's clearly

book. and I

The use

questions that to

very

rationalize the fact that I can't answer them, thinking to myself how scribbly written, and in fact I can't make out the sense of any of the words, and I'm about to ask. Also I get up from where I'd sat down when I

had come in and now I'm moving to another place in class, perhaps to sit by a friend to borrow his book because I don't even have that, the ostensible reason, the other might be to get the answers or copy. I'm at the river. In an old style cafe or restaurant a man is Then

talking, standing alone in the restaurant, talking to the counter girl; the scene changes, a girl in a tight cotton knit red dress talking to a man behind the

counter,

saying

something

like

she

doesn't

want

two

men, she wouldn't want to support them, or perhaps it is he again saying this to her at the counter. There's

no one else in the restaurant; it seems like from the large windows looking out that it's on the corner of the street. I'm lying in this field by the side of a country road; its I before seem dawn, about 5:30. I'm and my tired of

waiting;

comfortable

enough,

attitude

vacillates between impatient and content.

To distract

myself I watch the cars come from around this hill and into a slight S and then go past me in the flats, cars going to work; I see their headlights, and then I see the car as it passes. I've noticed a sort of stream, swampy, which is between me and the hill and a sort of dew on things giving them a glossy black. I'm looking

down into the swampy area from my sleeping bag now as well as watching the cars as they go by. Now I

perceive that the gloss isn't dew but sprinkling rain and I think that I'm really not as comfortable as I thought but that I'm cold. My attention goes back to

the swamp and I notice these frogs jumping but I can't really see them very well because it’s still dark; but

then in the stream bed coming down stream comes this guy with a flashlight which illuminates the scene as he goes; frogs are jumping sometimes and he's walking in this mud which doesn't seem as deep as had been my impression. boots and I notice he's wearing Levi’s and cowboy they don't sink in over the heel. I

recognize him now as Eddy, a kid from high school and who must be going to school; a sort of country boy; for a second I wonder why he's following the stream bed and the swampy part instead of walking a little up above along the edge of the field. I'm thinking now that I could walk along with him and then maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I worry for a second that father wouldn't

find me but then I think that he'll see me on the road, but then I think I'll just go ahead and stick it out where I'm at because I really just have about 15 more minutes to wait anyway. Meanwhile I see this giant

frog in the boy's flashlight beam, a real granddaddy. He's like jumping but now the image is immobilized and I see him close up and splayed out so I can really get an idea of his size. Without really having actually

started conversation with the boy we're talking about this frog that he agrees is huge but that we agree

wouldn't really give that much meat, because all there is is the hind legs and they just don't have that much and we decide that it really wouldn't be worth it to eat it. Waking up I seem to pass through a Robewith scene changes like his. Two or

Grillet world

three of his scenes, like I'm reading one of his novels and experiencing the scene at the same time, but it's not as hard to read as it was 15 years ago and my mind follows the scene changes quite easily and with a

certain amusement.

I've finished the first few pages

in nothing flat, it might be the start of Projet pour une Revolution en New York. I'm traveling alone and then I meet two other

girls and a boy who are also traveling; the decor is like the youth hostel in Victoria. I desire this one

girl, a blond; they're sleeping in a row, it's vague; anyway I somehow get with her; I start caressing her, I say if I start to be a bother just let me know. I

crawl over her and she turns away thus letting me know that I'd become a bother. we’re all lying on these It's dark and it seems like blankets. She makes it

understood that she would like to sleep, but really that doesn't make sense to me because it's still early

and they really don't have to get up.

I'm lying next There is

to her; the other two are more distanced now.

a TV set going somewhere but this is vague and also distanced; it's like we're in this carpeted living room and we're over against this wall sort of in this corner and they're over on the other side or in the center watching the TV, like we're staying over night at

someone's house and it's dark and late.

Then she's

kissing me, her tongue sticking into my mouth, and at first I'm a little surprised at such an aggressive kiss but then I meet it, darting my tongue also and rolling it around with hers; our bodies meet and it looks like it's going to go, but then she pulls away and asks my why I want to isolate her and have her only to myself. I say I don't, I try to show her, maybe she acquiesces. I'm staying in a seaside town like Laguna Beach, and it is very expensive, and I'm thinking where I

could go to camp for free, but it's very crowded, like it's the tourist season. I'm discussing the problem

with someone. This dream happened earlier and now seems vague. They say I should just stay where I'm at, which I get him to reluctantly take

is a hotel or something.

out a map or at least I picture the city; and it curves

around a bay and then the beaches start to the south after this big white building. I'm driving with a girl in the car who is traveling with me. We're in the

suburbs going to this section of beach; I've a good idea where I'm going; the road should come out in a certain place and there we'll be, and indeed it does. The houses end, the road goes on just a bit, goes over a little rise and there's the ocean down below. It's a

pretty high cliff; there's like a slot of a panorama of the beach and the ocean going in and out. We're going to sleep in the car for the night, like when I arrived in Laguna with Anita. I'm driving the 85 Camaro, going up and up around this hill; there is a nice view of the valley. I've

got some free time, and I'm going to get stoned, very stoned, I've got two joints of very good stuff. to the top and smoke one. I get

I'm doing this instead of

taking a dance class or teaching, or it's possible I got off work early; it's like I'm stealing the time. I

get really stoned and instead of going down the hill to this little store like reality had been planning on me doing, I driveway trick reality in the country and pull like a into this ranch place, a and I

house,

enter; it's my house.

I turn on the music really loud I'm worried someone will I close the door

and go to the front door.

come; I don't want to be disturbed.

that I'd left open to give an open fresh feeling, and I go into the living room which is very cozy. music going, window. and maybe there never was. There's no There's a

It's still dusk, the house is on the hillside

and has a very nice view, but the window curtains are closed. I go over to open them, and I open them but they don't open very much and there doesn't seem to be any view. work early. There was a possibility that I got out of A nice view of the valley as I was going

up and then later down the hill. I'm sitting in on this art class. It seems I took

it the last quarter and I really liked it but we're not allowed to take it two times in a row, so I'm visiting. This time there's two Latinas in the row behind me; pretty in a plain way, one with a round face and full lips, the together. cosmic other an elongated face; they seem to go

The class is pretty heavy, there's like a like super aware of the way

consciousness,

things are; at the end of the class one student goes psst to get the attention of the teacher and it takes

on cosmic dimensions, not that he shouldn't have done this, it just takes on cosmic significance. I think

that the girls are nice and I'm sad because I can't take the class every day, but then I realize that if I took it every day it wouldn't have so many nice girls because things. Kathy's working school. in a lunchroom auditorium at a then that would be too much in the way of

I'm walking through and it seems like I see

her; I don't take much notice, some time passes, and then I'm walking through again and this time I turn around and really look at her as we pass each other. She doesn't seem to notice me. Then I'm in her

kitchen, I'm visiting and she's complaining to me, the money in her hand, that this is all she got for the week and it's not a part of what she's making working. Her mother cooking over by the stove says something like it was only this week; I'm supposed to take sides and I don't know to exactly move how towards to maneuver. maybe My her

sympathies

start

Kathy,

father is there too. the fact that Dennis

Now the discussion has turned to went down to Brazil to go to

school and what does he have to show for it, nothing,

spent a year down there in this jungle in the middle of nowhere and nothing to show for it. I know where it I'm

was I can picture it because I went by there.

thinking God compensates those and almost say something but don't. the The beach in Rio perhaps, but it's vague, A lot of like people we're on all a on boat, an the ocean

sensation. of

sensation liner.

movement,

I'm hesitating and wake up. moved into this older apartment. I feel

I've

terribly oppressed like I can't even move or breathe. I remember the scene now, I'm walking with this group, we're all being forced to go to this place; I'm

thinking so far it's not that horrible but then we come out of these trees, there's a slight incline; all these gases in the air, like smog, and we have to go there, like there are gas refineries without any controls.

The air will burn as though it were full of acids; the ground is muddy; there's some stunted trees or plants. We stop a minute for a rest next to this ditch, next to this dirt road; this young girl has some problem and I offer to help her. Back to the old apartment, I've

been allowed to move here, it's nothing fancy but I've got these fears of getting in trouble with the

authorities. dark narrow

Looking out this small window into an old street I see this girl go into her

apartment with a bunch of friends, and I hear her say oh it's a 108 in Some here, like she doesn't haven't I say have gone any in,

ventilation.

people

still animals.

standing outside

like lost

out the

window that if they want to come up and get together in my apartment they can. I'm up one floor; they think I start worrying

for a second and decide to come up.

that the young people will mess up the living room, but then I think no. But the first arrivals turn on the

music, and I start worrying about it being too loud and getting in trouble for that; I listen carefully and decide that it's not too loud. small, oily hair, a bit The girl is kind of kind of cute but

ingrate,

undeveloped; she might have been the same girl as in the procession. in the apartment. Earlier tonight this kept coming back, going down through the files, the levels, layers, following the paths downward. I'm at home and these movers are bringing in my stuff. There's this TV; it's flat black, oldWhen I woke she still hadn't appeared

fashioned,

an

ugly

cube

with

rounded

edges,

and

it

seems like they beat it up pretty bad; there's this panel that slides out across the screen and it's not there so the screen's exposed; it might be broke; there are scratches and scuff marks on the front. I'm

looking at it and I don't know if I should accept it. They say to take it to the repair shop and send the bill to the company and that sounds okay. Also the

sound is not part of the component, and there's this little switch that works for the connection to the

speakers; we're looking at this, the two sides work in conjunction, and neither little knob works very well; there's like three positions and the little black knob on the right only hardly moves through two of them, and the little one on the left doesn't seem to move at all. I move the knob but the coupling device doesn't move, like the gears are stripped; there's like a little

finger that rotates like the hand of a clock from one contact to the next one at 45 degrees from it; it's black and the end where the contact is made is chrome. It's like this little control box or coupling box, and there should be connections for two stereo speaker

wires but I never did see them.

They go on working but

I'm going to the lake.

Somehow this transition seems From time to

smooth and now I'm driving to the lake.

time I think how hot it is, it's just scalding, and I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm thinking I didn't think because I should be wearing shorts, and I don't know if I'll be able to take off my pants; then I think at least I'll be able to take off my shirt, and I don't know why I haven't already taken it off. I'm going

along and I'm not exactly sure of the way; the road seems to have narrowed from two lane blacktop to a

small dirt road, and I come out of this scrub brush; the road goes straight but the path isn't as beaten or used, or it turns to the left and that is the path that seems the most used so I take it. And also it seems

that I vaguely remember that this is the way to the lake. Suddenly I find myself going by this pear

orchard and the pears are really large and ripe and beautiful yellow; I start to get this vague idea to pick some but it doesn't develop, and then I think yes, why not, and so I stop the car and back up just a bit, and I reach my right hand out the window and pick about three; it seems like I'm sitting on the right but I can't be because I'm driving, the sides have been

reversed like in a mirror image.

I've set the pears on

the floor of the rider's side; I continue on, not sure where my turn off is and trying to remember exactly; it seems I'd been there before but not so much as to have a completely clear idea. like it and I take it. This road to the right looks

First I'm going through a field I'm thinking

and then some woods, and a little brush.

what the situation is at the lake, like places I could go to and where I want to go, my mind passes through the various spots, maybe an inlet, another area which is too grassy in the water, and I finally end up

thinking of the common place, the common beach where I'll probably go. I'm traveling with this little girl, maybe six or seven years old, and it also seems like there's a woman with us but she never materializes. we finally stop in a small town After a long wait grocery store. I

bought three things for her to eat, little candies or cookies, and now she's happy. It was like we'd fought,

but I can't remember what about, and so this is to make up. Going out of the store I say, there, is that

better, I'm sorry we had to wait so long before we could stop but it was necessary, were you really

hungry,

and

she

nods

yes.

I

spoke

with

a

lot

of

tenderness; we come to the car and now it seems even more like just her and I; and instead of a car it's like a rest area bathroom, men on one side and women on the other, and she goes to the right and I to the left, but I think it's still the car and she just goes to the other side to get in, and just the logic had changed. I'm riding on a bike with two girls over this road; there are hills and fields, in the countryside; I'm going pretty fast and exciting them, having a lot of fun; we go down this one hill and there's a little curve at the bottom. I slow down but not enough;

there's gravel, and the front wheel slides out but just a little and we don't stop. I start to pedal again but

now it's up a slight incline and the back wheel isn't grabbing, it's slipping on the wet grass. get off. This dream seems to have had a sort of self We stop and

destruct mechanism linked to it as I woke, that is its logic and clarity were disintegrated on waking. There

were various themes, it seems concerned with women and the main complicating factor was the choices one could make, these options being so many burst the initial

cohesiveness

and

coherence;

one

option,

with

or

without; during the dream I remember understanding the choices, but now I can't remember any. Dio and I have this very nice apartment, a big studio, a window with sheer curtains; a big green plant next to the bed with big waxy leaves which also happens to be in front of the large window; the problem is there's this tree in the room which doesn't belong to us but to the neighbor, a girl who lives down the hall. It seems like we’re sitting on the bed or couch and we're talking about how that person might as well take it in her room, she has just as much room as we do. She's thinking about the idea; I have to go to work; my roommate, now not necessarily Dio, says if it's just a matter of moving it she can help, implying that I won't have to be there. I can tell that this other person is

thinking about her cat and also she knows that we know that she has the room. The tree's like a Christmas

tree, the same shape and everything but no decorations; I'm leaving, thinking it will be nice if I come home and it's gone. Dio and I are on vacation. I'm not happy with my

side view mirror on the car which is a 67 Impala; the

mirror has a screw going through the base in the middle and it's kind of ugly. A third person tells me to

check out this car, he's got a mirror he can give me. I leave, going down the main drag, like a little city in Mexico; I see the car and think okay, and turn

around to go back the other way; I'm starting down that way. over, I notice the tops of buildings a couple of blocks and then I think that I never looked at the

mirror to see if it would work, to see if it has the same kind of base and bracket. to go back. I'm flirting The idea starts to form this girl; this is

with

before the mirror.

I've almost got a date with her;

and even if Dio found out she's starting to be open minded about it. didn't exactly I get the feeling that the flirt like I wanted, but I can't

work out

remember why I didn't get what I wanted.

Now it seems

I'm up the road from something, maybe from the car with the mirror, and then coming back. in the I go past this girl she has on this

water playing with someone;

bikini with a leopard design and it's got the strings crossing and going between the bottom and the top like they do in Brazil, a very fine waist, hardly any

breasts but she's so tight;

the focus is so clear on

her waist and the two triangles of the bikini. to stop, but then her brother or her

I think is

boyfriend

there. All of a sequence in an English class, which

escapes me; I go back after, a round table.

The last

of the sequence there's a play and everyone is supposed to decide who's guilty, which is practically everyone, and decide why. I don't know why I remember this. I

can't remember any scene or plot.

The first part of

the sequence sets up the logic which is very hard to grasp. In the middle I'm going to take a shower. The

shower stall is also like a bedroom, or it turns out to be later; there's white tiled walls and floor. Another

person comes and then another, and the one shower and the soap bar are going to have to be used one by one. All three of us are wet; and a black girl appears, slightly overweight, naked. I give her the soap and

she asks what it's for; I say it's soap, figure it out. She moves over to the shower; we'd been nice and given her the turn out of sequence. I'm thinking god now I'm

going to have to wait, and I go sit down on the corner of the bed. It seems the bar of soap is in a wash The other two men

cloth that she twists and squeezes.

are against the wall, and they are gradually fading from the scene. I turn my attention to the girl,

thinking that I might as well look at her since I'm here, and I notice that she's not so fat after all, a little plump. I'm going by her closer, her color is

very nice, her pubis is covered with dark hair; her face seems very beautiful; that I hadn't noticed and it didn't go with my impression of her body, like it's not the same, it's changed; the lines are chiseled, the features sharp, the skin has an oily gloss, hair

straight and cut short.

Sitting there I start to feel

aroused and I think that that wouldn't be appropriate. I reflect on whether she must feel embarrassed naked with three white guys and then I think how I'd feel with three black girls, and I decide that it would be nice. There are very vague intimations of other scenes

before this, like two fleeting intuitions which passed through me, first one and then the other. I rent an apartment which is rather large, and I'm thinking about getting a roommate. There's this class

and this guy there wants to do the apartment, like he's looking for one. that I was There's also this girl in the class at. Then there's a party or

looking

something like that and we're arriving home, he and his girl and I. and that And I realize that they're the same girl a little happy because she'll be

makes me

around and I like her.

We get in; we're at the bottom

of a flight of stairs; one person wants to turn on this fan, the other the heat with the fan, and the other open the window. I say come here to the guy and start

to head to the kitchen; the girl starts to object and I say no I want to speak to him privately. He's younger

than me but otherwise he doesn't take on definition. In the kitchen such I as tell this him I'll that be in the matters ultimate of the

apartment

voice,

because I rented the apartment first, I found it, and also I was like paying two thirds; I say it's not that he can't say anything, it's just that I have the final say, like a veto; he says okay. I'm thinking about

this, wondering if it's fair, and I decide that if he doesn't like it he can just leave, it won't be that big of a deal for him. In another party situation, a bunch

of us seem to be walking down the sidewalk maybe after a show or something. home. I split from the group to go

My roommate and his girl will be coming along

later; I get home and realize that I didn't get my key,

having apparently left with them. a line of about four people

In the hall there's waiting to use the

bathroom; I see this when I get to my door, decided I'll just wait for them.

having

By the line there's a

key #81 or close; my apartment is #69 or something; I try the key anyway, and like in one of those sesame type things the bed slowly moves away from the wall and the door on the other side of the room opens. I get in

but it's not clear just how far and I'm thinking I can open the window and go through it to go the rest of the way inside; the window is like the one in Germany,

metal louvered shade on the outside with sheers inside. I turn the crank and open out the louvers and open the window to get some air. I'm studying in this library before it really

opens or before school opens.

A person comes, it seems I a

like Bruce, he wants a theme for class or something. put the pencil to the paper and start to draw

picture, I

don't really

know what

or why;

a second

later there's this sketch of two women walking, leaning on each other and huddled together; and I say see all I did was start and it was completely automatic, it drew itself, and I explain that it's because when I was

younger I'd drawn this very same picture and I told him it was the Washerwomen by Delacroix, which I believed at the time but which probably isn't. He leaves, I

don't think I helped him much and he seemed a little spiteful that I could do something like that so easily. I've left the library and now I'm coming back to get my stuff that I'd left on the desk. his stuff also, I don't know why. It seems like he left Going down the hall

I pick up some pieces of conversation; it seems like they're cracking down on drugs. bar. I'm teaching in this school. see posted on the wall something During the break I like an insurance I'm in this little

notice or a pay stub, or I think I need to use the pay stub for an insurance notice; it's overdue and I need to take care of it. I leave; maybe I'm driving and I

have to go a ways; it resembles north Eugene; it was like the break room in a factory and not like a normal school. Now going back there's a woman with me, my and we're walking across these desolate

companion, fields. dark.

It's late and almost dark, or the day is very We climb this little embankment and there's a

large flat field that is covered with this slimy black

and

white

petroleum

substance,

an

oily

crust.

We

hesitate and then go on across, our feet will be dirty and hardly presentable; and then about half-way across I think that we're going to be really late, like I'll

just be able to catch the last period, and I will have missed the period before. I'm thinking I should have

told someone I was leaving and then they could have covered my class; now they will be really mad because I wasn't in the classroom and the students will be

unattended until they find out.

I'm thinking they'll

probably fire me, and then I think well that was a mistake I made and maybe they will; and my companion I think maybe she won't get fired, she wasn't a teacher but a service worker. It's kind of We arrive at the school grounds. a party or a dance class.

like

There's lots of people dancing, too many for the space; I'm not doing too well, I'm not getting the movement or the timing, so I end up just sort of standing there. I

try a second more, but I can't get it; I'm off the beat. This girl next to me looks at me and starts

exaggerating her movements a little so I can see where the beat is. I start to move my body and hips like her This beat is really easy and

each time with the beat.

I don't see how it could give me any problem at all. stop again and move out into this hall or

I

entry.

Suddenly it's pitch black; it was dark before, like at a party, but now it's total. I'm not even moving but

suddenly I run into this person, there's a jolt and a thunk, and it's my fault. My attention centers on the

splinters on the ground, and then I think it wasn't my fault. I'd moved and come to this city, maybe foreign, and now I've gone to this large audition; a small room and crowded with a lot of dancers that I know that keep coming in. I got in late and I'm not taking the thing

very seriously, and also I think it still has a long time to run. thinking after next I get in on this one dance routine; I'm time I'll but do then better, I wasn't is really up

that

anyway,

everyone

picking

their papers and leaving; it's over.

I get my papers

and I'm going out; just outside the door I run into these guys from back home, the focus is especially on this one tall thin guy with long reddish auburn hair; somehow he has a very thick foreign accent, and I'm surprised. He says that he's living in LA now and I

said me too and we were surprised. We weren't in LA at

the time; and he's going to give me his address but then we're all in too much of a hurry so he doesn't. Before this sequence I was walking in the rain going up and down the street because I couldn't find the

building.

I decided to go up to the end of the street;

it was a commercial area but suddenly it's residential and resembles Todd Street. I get up towards the top

and the road veers off to the left and I know then I've already gone too far. I turn around and I'm looking at

the houses over on my left for reminiscence's sake, to see how many houses I recognize and that haven't been changed. I continue walking down the street; the first The next

house is green and I vaguely recognize it.

house has a sort of view window in the top and there's this sailboat on display, tilted forward with the sail towards the front, maybe a two foot long boat, a white sail and light blue. Then I'm at the audition. I'm

leaving and walking away from the site now, I think I'm disappointed because I thought the tryouts were going to last a lot longer and I'd be able to do much better in my presentation; finally I think to look at my

papers and see what they'd written; it's scribbled and says needs to improve reading habits. I'm surprised

that my dance was fine, but at the same time I don't understand how they could say that because I never read for them and they couldn't know how I read. I'm leaving LA. night, about I'm feeling very relieved; it's I'm at a school where I'm

11 o'clock;

working and it's my last hour.

I walk from one end of

this large office to the other and this one girl thinks I'm leaving right then, and she runs up; I say no, no, not yet, and kiss her next to her nose; then I leave the office and pass into the auditorium, lunch room, and there are a the lot of officers for a in uniform, and like I'm

they're

using

school

meeting,

thinking it's interesting what one sees if one can get out of the classroom. I sit down; it's not time to go

yet, I'm still in the auditorium but it feels like an airport, with London as the destination or the origin. I've got on sandals and my feet hurt and so I take one off, and I'm thinking I need to put on shoes, but my car is way over across this large parking lot. have to go in a second. A small wood house, I've gone there; it's my I'll

aunt’s, it seems small for as many people as there are in it. We're in the living room; she comes home and so

does

the

uncle,

but

these

aren't

my

real

aunt

and

uncle, but fictional, it's like a fiction.

They've

gone into the bedroom to take a shower; for some reason that I think perfectly legitimate I try to go in; it's to get something but the door won't open; it's jammed; it opens a bit but then shuts back on me again. Across

the room I glimpse her, with her foot on the bed and standing and like she was shaving her leg, naked, and I also see her breasts, and she's got a nice body, a young lady. at Berlitz. Then I'm with this girl, and she studies We're going out on a date. She says why

don't you see about working there, we're going there anyway; then we're there; and she's working. She's

like this receptionist, one of three, and each has a computer; their desks are staggered back, and she's in the second one. I go to talk to the boss who's this

older woman who seems like a headmaster, her hair up in a bun, etc., strict. There's a commotion out front in

the reception so we go out from the room where we're in. Both rooms seem remarkably void, nothing in them,

small, bare, the impression is of the second floor of an old wood building. In the reception the three girls

are receiving for this get-together or dance that the

school

fosters

to

further

the

social

arts

of

the

students; they can meet each other and practice their language skills. any more The woman doesn't want to talk to me me a position at the moment;

about giving

she's preoccupied with the problem; it's my girlfriend who's very properly. very drunk and who isn't doing her work

I didn't know she was drunk or I didn't The dona has a couple of room and there she's

think she was that much. girls take her into

another

subdued or lying down. I want to see her to say goodbye before I leave, and also I sort of want to continue the interview I was having, but no chance, the dona says, another day, and she won't let me say goodbye to my girlfriend either, which disappoints me the most. the feeling is like a girl’s school. Now

The two scenes

seem to run together; I was waiting for the girl to get ready to go out. I was working in a store doing the produce and I was going through the rack; the man that was doing it was doing a horrible job. I kept running across rotten The

stuff, and he was putting things just anywhere.

fiberglass display for example had a couple of bunches of green onions, two bunches of bananas, and maybe some

rotten onions.

Stuff on the floor, rotting and that I go back to tell Harold He's busy and says

hadn't ever been picked up.

that this guy was really horrible. he knows. see there.

I pass this person I was really surprised to There was a break and then it was time to

go back to work; but I didn't have my shoes and socks and I couldn't remember what I did with them. Then I

remembered that I left them out in the field behind the store. One person was helping me find them and another I

was trying to find them to run away with them.

remembered that I left them over to the right and a ways away and I and my friend went running over there to get there before the other. I'm in this bar; it seems like I'm talking to someone like the bartender, but there's no counter.

It's like a pool room, the tables. yet, like 11 am.

It hasn't opened

I'm going to go to the door at the This guy appears, walking

opposite corner of the room.

towards us between the tables, zoom in on his face, it's all beat up, black eyes, a very large L shaped scar on his chin, vertically, a couple of scars on his forehead yesterday. just inside the hairline; it happened

Now I'm thinking I have to go by him to get

to the door, and I'm worried he's going to start some trouble; curlish hair, thinning, stocky, a flushed

complexion.

We pass each other and he says you should

see the other guy, like he got the better of him, but I remember vaguely the image of the other, and he was okay, if it was that this guy got in a fight because this wasn't resolved or cleared up. Before this I was

with this girl in bed; I was like massaging her naked back, and she pissed in the bed; and we were going to clean it up; the mattress had this round spot of rust, from an older spot, it seems like, and just when things are getting complicated and I'm put out, someone's at the door. I finally deal with the problem at the door,

I don't know how, and then I see that the girl didn't take care of the bed properly, like there's sheets

wadded up in a ball, and the bed's a mess and now there's company. We were camping up in the mountains. This woman

and I and another couple, a cabin; then I'm taking a shower, but the affair is rather makeshift and the

shower is like in the entry of the cabin.

I'm taking a

shower and it's late at night; the problem is that if anyone comes they see me; also the towels are

disorderly or hard to find.

I've almost finished when

this import car arrives at the door; I just continue taking my shower; after all that's the necessities of life, but the girl passenger seems to be getting

scandalized about it.

Then I was cutting something,

and I cut the palm of my hand; I didn't think it was very severe; I think that after all there wasn't

anything in my hand when I was cutting, a slice across the middle of the palm. Now I'm looking at it and I

realize that it is very deep, through the layers of skin to the flesh, and about three inches long. I open

it and look at it, thinking if a Band-Aid will suffice. I finally decide against my wishes that stitches are necessary; my woman offers to drive me; it's still late at night, the early morning. We have to go to this

clinic; I'm thinking we'll spend a lot of time waiting for the doctor to arrive; then I'm thinking as we're leaving that tomorrow is New Year's Day, and I wonder if the doctor will be working, and I decide that yes, and that he even might be nicer, and he might get there sooner since he probably doesn't have to work tomorrow. Now we're in front of the clinic.

My

wife

and

I

were

working

in

this

cheap

restaurant at night; the owner was a creep, but we kept working because we needed the money. There was a cat

there that I liked; my wife quit because she wouldn't take the crap anymore, and I was going to hang on, but then the owner started screwing around with me, like humiliating me or making me do things that weren't part of the job, clean ups and other degrading things. He

didn't think I'd quit, he thought that since my wife lost her job I would be forced to continue, but I quit. We were also living in this little apartment and I was thinking that we'll never get to move up and out of this trash. cat. I was sad because I was going to miss the

I had this money from the job, quite a wad, bent

over doubled, and I took it and put it firmly in my pocket; the owner wanted to get it back but he knew he couldn't. We left the site, sort of moving around

tables so he couldn't get to us; the help was impressed that we wouldn't take it anymore and they were mumbling choral comments like in a Greek tragedy. Outside I was

thinking that now I'd have go back to working in the grocery store and how lowering that would be, and I had on an apron from there (the store) and I took it off

and

threw

it

down

on

the

street;

again

the

chorus

mumbled, a plaza like in Rio.

The dream was vivid but

hard to retrieve; the logic involved in my needing to stay with the job no matter what was especially hard to grasp. I'm working on something like typing or writing; Dio is in the background, and there is this young girl with me paying attention at my side; we are amorous as though I'm having an affair with them both. I want to

kiss her and I think not to because of Dio, but then I decide that it doesn't matter, and I turn to the girl and she kisses me and the kiss is very good and very fulfilling; we continue and continue; she is very

innocent and maybe foreign. go to Harold's house; no

I wake. one's

Another scene, I I'm thinking

there;

maybe I'll spend the night; it's like I have to be around there the next morning, but then I decide that I really don't want to spend the night there. There's a part with this semi-truck that they had to go get, like it was acquired as part of a divorce or marriage, maybe a RV. On the steps going in the person had put some

cardboard, or wood and chicken wire around that to make like these steps. Someone is saying how stupid that

is. it.

Contrary to what one would think I start defending Somewhere in here I'm riding in a Porsche and I'm I think

happy because I never rode in one before.

about asking to drive it but then I decide not to. Another scene, I'm going to Phil's; he was expecting me, he's back from a trip; he lets me in to his

apartment and there's music playing, and it seems like there's a new stereo component like new speakers, at least that seems to be where the focal point of our attention is. I'm street in Then there's the scene with the girl. this procession; late we're a turning off the

lights;

it's

evening,

medieval

town,

stone streets, my students and I.

Some houses will

turn off their own lights and we know who will do that; the others we turn off, using these poles. in the procession recognizes me. This girl

As we go along I

remember her from a school and it's Venice, and these students are from Venice. I didn't recognize them We and

because I'm doing a different subject than usual. come to this back door, like a old warehouse,

someone opens the door so that the students can go in. There's more than before; someone says that I actually have two classes of students for the moment but one

group

will

leave

shortly

to

go

join

their

regular With the

teacher and take a test that he's preparing.

girl I had to check myself; I had to reign in my desire that I was letting loose because I realized that she was part of the school. I'm in this special alternative school and they've asked me to do a class after school; it's like makeup. All the kids seem really nice, white, middle class, etc., and I say okay. The grounds are really open.

There's a hill I go up to get to the classroom, a grassy school. slope. Everything is calm; it's like after

The class is pretty full and it's voluntary.

I'm left on my own with them; they're talking and not doing their work so I start to go around and tell them to get to work; a couple of cute blond girls, insolent, and just when I'm about to kick them out they just decide to leave, as does the rest of the class, and they all put away their books and leave. Now the

atmosphere is almost like an asylum. second but then I decide no problem.

I worry for a I'm sitting at

the teacher's desk and I'm taking these pumpkin seeds out of a pumpkin and putting them in my pocket like a handful at a time, maybe six or seven at a time and

maybe I'm licking them off as I do this.

Before this

scene I visited this old person; I don't remember who if I ever knew, in this convalescent home, a very nice one. These grounds are like the other; it's set up for

independents with like a little cabin for each person. I was in this room, maybe the person I was visiting died; just across the way, like a hall or just a space there's an empty bed. Just a minute before a person

was agonizing there and now there's a streak of dried blood about eight inches wide and it goes from about where that person’s waist was to the end of the bed, like the body was dragged by. No one now, and then his

son, like is lying on the bed, just the body, the knees on the floor. I don't notice the blood any more; this body is very still, and I think to go over and see if he's okay or something, or to get him to get up, but I see that he's sobbing, a complete wreck. Then I'm

going down this sidewalk between the cabins thinking this is a very nice place and I wouldn't mind having to come here, like in the future. pretty little fast, office like or on a bike, It seems like I'm going and then I'm young in this

lunchroom,

and

these

people,

like students, ask me to take care of that class, young

people like students, but they seem to be administering the place, and then one takes me there. grounds; it's like a security plant. I'm on this

I'm supposed to

watch the place; at the end of my term I'm supposed to turn on these sprinklers. I go out later in my watch,

as it's ending, and changes have been made, some of which I'd security; been aware, these but now high it's like twenty super high up poles

extremely

feet

with horizontal traverses, painted in orange.

They've High

been added after a smaller fence or dispositive.

up on the right a control panel, and up on the left a control room, a mega machine. There are walkways there; just as I'm starting the whole thing is electrified; it's just been completed, are the installation. so that no one The can

control

panels

illuminated

approach them without being seen; the whole scene seems like artificial night. Then I'm supposed to watch this class of elementary kids, like 3rd grade; at the end I'm supposed to turn on seem like these small a sprinklers; but they to it are seems very a

complicated. powerful, and

They

there's

sequence

follow,

certain time. I'm sitting at my desk in the front of the room. The children are being okay; some are

sitting on their knees in their chairs but no one is out of his seat. This girl comes in going behind my

chair and takes my sweater, going over to the right of the room; I follow her; she gives it back and I slap the side of her head, but not very hard; then I'm

sitting at my desk, and across from me is a very cute little black girl, and next to her on the left is the girl I had slapped; she's also black and she is saying that now I'm in trouble; she's going to tell her

parents, etc., and I start to worry and say I hardly even touched her. The other girl says I'm right and I get the

that that girl is always making trouble.

idea that soon she will forget the incident anyway, and she's moved back into the center of the room and seems to have forgotten. My girlfriend and I are in this motor hotel, a small room. We want to leave but her ex-boyfriend wants to come with us, and he's like blackmailing us, and he won't leave; he's got his head inside the door; it's time for us to leave, so finally I take the ultimate action, I grab his head and smash it into the door opening, and then a couple of other times; my

girlfriend is aghast, even though she knew I was going

to do it, and now she's hesitating about leaving, and I'm saying come on, come on. The dream is very distant, like on a stage far away, and I'm only a spectator. This couple get

together; her husband is out of town and they are at her house and they are happy because they have the

night to themselves.

They go into the bedroom through

these double doors and the bedroom is large, oval and carpeted like in a big fancy house. She is in a bad

mood or something because he takes a dressing mirror and drags it into the center of the room and lays it down on the floor to amuse her, but I don't think she appreciated it that much. I'm walking down this open area with Jerry and I'm very happy because he's finally come to visit. I'm going to show him the washer and dryer First that I

couldn't get hooked up, and then the computer.

I've

left him with the washer and dryer and I've gone to see the computer. curtain to I go into the bedroom, lifting this is still

one side

and entering,

but Dio

asleep, like she already should have gone to work, so now for a moment I don't know what to do because we'll wake her. I decide that's okay because she should be

up anyway.

Jerry isn't there; I go out and down the

stairs; it's dark and I don't see him; I start to panic and yell for him, and looking for him like when one calls for the dog, and finally he appears coming out of the utility room, which seems like my bedroom on Todd Street when I was growing up. I say something like

they were working at first when I hooked them up but now they aren't, I don't understand why. He's going to

show me; there's the front end of a Karmen Ghia, the little bumpers on each side, the rounded protruded nose grill; this person has asked that I clean it. Jerry is

showing me this patch of rust on the grill part that I can easily clean up according to him and he starts

sanding on it.

Meanwhile Harold seems to be present

in the background; now the spot is bigger, like almost the whole grill, and I'm scraping on it with this

knife, saying see it works like that, and I'm scraping off the rusty scales and layers; I've got most of the scaly part off. The front of the Karmen Ghia is like

the computer receptor. I'm to go on this teaching assignment, but I have to go over this mountain pass to get there. It seems

like I'm hitch-hiking or at any rate getting there is

very difficult. pass.

It's a cold, dark, wet, and very high

I get to the top and then the next stage needs There's this narrow grassy valley

to be done on foot.

I need to go up and through; then there's a cabin, a sort of halfway station, like one finds when mountain climbing. I get the rest of the directions; somehow I go out and around the cabin and

they're received.

down this slope, but then it seems I've made a mistake and I need to go back up, which isn't easy at all; going out wasn't so bad but now the grass is slippery and the slope is almost 90 degrees. There's a ledge I

get to and I have to pull myself over; there's a couple of tufts of grass to grab hold of, and I notice that luckily I have spikes on my shoes, and I think about them on the floor of the room, worry for a second, and then I think that's alright they're a necessity. Then

I'm in this room; I have my shoes off, but the floor is horrible, not just dirty but slimy; I've got my shoes back on. This all seemed to start in Cabezas'

schoolroom at Emerson. This girl and I are sitting on the floor or on a mattress, a pretty brunette, and she leans over and kisses me; Dio is right next to us but it doesn't

matter, and we're kissing passionately as we lie down, I on top. I'm going to this class and I'm late and there's a test. I get there and it's this little room, and

there's no place to even stand; there's people waiting outside to get in. I get in and I'm looking around the

room for a place to stand, with the vague idea of later getting a bigger hole, like starting out with a space and gradually enlarging it. Across the back there's

this strip with dirt like a planter, and so I decide to go back there and there's already enough students

there.

I get there; there's roots in the ground; I

focus on the dirt and I see some bugs moving around, and I think I hope I don't have to be here that long, and I'm certainly not going to take off my shoes, but even then some bug might get in. It seems I'm not that

prepared for the test; the professor is passing out something; he comes to me and instead of the test he hands me this little slip of paper which resembles a coupon. I take it and start reading it; it's like a

little way to save files quickly, a little promotion, and he's offering it to me as a reward, and he has maybe one other to pass out; he says he wants to talk

to me afterwards.

There's an assembly he says or I

understand, and I'm wondering how long and what for, and I understand 3 or 4 periods, and it's over the workbook, which during the dream I think is too much time but not absurdly so, but now I'm thinking it is. Already the room has mostly cleared, and so I go out. The teacher will want to talk to me; the test is

completely forgotten; I walk a bit, and decide to put on my shoes because I'm going to have to walk a ways. I'm shopping for clothes in this store, and this girl says my name. checkers. I look around and it's one of the

I say come help me find this, and at first

it was a shirt that I couldn't find the size or the color, one or the other. She acts like she knows me Somehow I find out to leave her She

pretty well but I don't know her. her name, Joanne. She is

reluctant

register, but the other salesgirls say go ahead.

is the only one wearing a white dress, dark skin; she comes over. Now I'm looking for this new cigarette;

the name was on the board, like a special board or a blackboard but when I go to show her there's nothing there. I try and think of it and then desist, and then

I say maybe I can find it in her order book, and I

imagine myself looking through the book.

Now she's

sitting on the floor and it's her break; it's carpeted and there's no one around, and I'm sitting there, and I move closer and touch her. She's a little plump but

okay; she's not sure if she wants to get into this, and shows reluctance. This one escapes me; it's like a circle that keeps repeating all night; each part I remember, but not long enough to bring to consciousness. I see, understand,

and acknowledge, but when the next segment starts the last one is no longer accessible, like self-effacing steps. woke I woke with a revelation. Two other times I the same sensation, less the revelation,

with

perhaps because I'm upset. Anita left me; we were taking a vacation at the beach; I was totally distraught. She was going to be

with this other man I think, but she said she was going to come back later. I think how many years and my mind 3 years, 6

goes through the possibilities, 6 months, years, etc. she's asking,

I'm thinking I won't wait for her and Will you wait? You will wait? We're The were

standing close together and then we move apart. chorus is now saying great this is what you

waiting for, now you can go out with all those girls, but I'm thinking there's no one. I'm going to have to spend the rest of the vacation alone. Then there's a scene in a room or apartment; I'm alone and coming out of my skin; I just got there or I'm leaving; I'm

standing; I have my bicycle.

I go to a movie in this

small arty theater like Cinema 7, but I'm alone and there's no one to watch my bike or car. despondent. I go but very

I'm at the ticket counter with my bike and

I'm trying to turn it around so I can get into the line but there's no room; a round planter is also in the way; I end up bringing the bike and myself in from the exit of the line. There's only one feature and this disappoints me, but I don't think the ticket was very much. The vendor, Mickey Rooney, is telling me that

afterwards I can call home for someone to come and get me. This saddens me of course because I think there's For some reason he goes on explaining

no one to call.

the procedure, because it's complicated; one goes out of the theater, down a floor to the parking lot, make an L going by buildings to the other side of the lot, and there's a telephone attached to this post; then you dial this 3 digit prefix before your number so there's

no charge; the theater takes care of it as a service. I reflect on this a moment, that there's no one for me to call to take advantage of this. Then I will go watch

the movie but there's nowhere to put my bicycle, and that leads to the telephone sequence, a loop, no one to spend vacation with, no one home, and no one to call. I'm trying to park this delivery truck along side the road; there's some spaces up ahead, but they're taken except one, and I don't think I could get it in there; maybe people are waiting for me, so I move back a ways and now it seems like a deserted road, and I maneuver the truck into place. I get out and then I

have second thoughts about parking there so I go look at the sign, especially since it seems like I'm going I look at the sign and it why no one was

to leave it there overnight. seems alright parked there. so I

don't understand

The one problem is that there the street

widens out and makes a space to the side for parking, which is still parallel but indented and more

protected, whereas where I'm at is the only unindented place so the car is more exposed. Then I move back up

the street to go to this restaurant; there's a complex of shops; these older people are getting out of a car,

my grandparents and some other couples; one woman is like a professor or something and she likes me and

wants to stop and talk to me and even invite me to go along with them, but she hesitates and then doesn't. Ralph seeing this is somewhat surprised that someone can want to talk to me. I go eat in this Chinese

restaurant, at least it seems so, there's these flashes of the menu, the tastes and vision of a couple of very delicious dishes, with interesting sauces. There are

no holes in memory; it's vivid; the dream just really never stops here, but goes back out and finds them

there again and she wants to know if that's a good restaurant and I tell her it's great, and she acts like if I say so then it must be good which surprises me, like I'm used to them disparaging my opinion. This

scene is linked with before, going into the restaurant, and never really takes on clarity and identity of its own; also I was just a delivery truck driver, and

vaguely I didn't understand how these people, and she in particular, should even notice me. I'm grown up but we're all acting like

neighborhood kids; I'm over at someone else's house, and this sort of discord breaks out between one group

and

another;

at

first

it's

that

but

the

situation

quickly escalates. I'm supposed three to

I go to this other house like where now I'm other more like 12 I yrs say old. it's

be; or

There's

four

people.

happening; it's like coming down, the war, and about three of them go to fight. This one person like Larry

Joslin is still lying on the couch over to one side of the room. I go see why he's not going and he says he Then there's some noises outside, a to open the door and this big kid

doesn't want to. commotion; I go

pushes in, but we say we're not fighting; we surrender. He goes back out, and I go over to Jerry and see if his attitude has changed, but it hasn't; he's still lying on the couch; he motions to his face or jaw to imply that he doesn't want to get it beat up. I think about

this for a second, about my face getting hit. It's lunchtime and I've taken my bed out on the school grounds, out of the classroom for the hour. I'm

lying in bed and across the way there's a bunch of guys sitting on a set of bleachers; they were discussing my writing. One says then, like yelling across to me,

that if it was really that good then I'd be a genius. It's hard to hear or he doesn't hear my answer. My bed

has the covers and everything, and I lift up from my pillow. I've said something like maybe it is, at any rate it has set them thinking. It seems like the bell

rang because they're no longer there; one girl has come over and sat on the edge of the bed; it seems I'm consoling her, or she me. She's like the sickly girl

at Venice, but in a cuter version; also the building with the windows behind me resembles Venice. I'm like

patting her back and our faces are getting closer but still the pretence is consolation; there's a little

hole in the back of her blouse like between the buttons and my fingers pass through to her skin. For a moment

I think she might think I have bad intentions, that I'm going too far, but I think that if she perceives it that way it will already be alright. Then I think it's

time to go in and I'm thinking how I'm going to carry my bed back in, which doesn't seem like it's going to be all that easy. like one would a I imagine carrying it on its side door, the two mattresses and the

covers and everything.

It's shrunk it seems to a more

manageable size but it's still difficult; this scene is only a split second and I wake up.

Dio and I are over this mountain pass and we have appointments for something. I'm wondering if this is

going to take that long, wondering if I'll be able to take a call for work. She's done and I think good

we'll be home in time, when in reality we won't, we'll get home around 10 am, which will be too late, and I think of this as I'm driving, and think good, I won't have to work today. Then I'm at school and I'm

thinking I'm not going to do anything else until I have a lover, and I think about Dio for a second and I think she won't touching. a know, just a low key affair, kissing and

Then I'm in this sort of booth, almost like booth; it has like a wooden fence for

telephone

walls.

Classes let out and I need to get out of there,

and I want to do it gracefully, which looks like it's going to be impossible; the fence is too close and too high. I become self-conscious that people will see me

now, and then I start to maneuver to get out and wake up. I'm supposed to be teaching French at this school. It seems to there's start. some I've confusion gone because two vacation periods is in

going

through

someone else's class and after the break I'm supposed

to have French. at Fairfax.

It was going to be the lady's classes

There's a break in continuity and for some He's not very

reason I'm fist fighting with this boy.

big but he thinks he's tough; neither of us connects; then I get tired of playing around and I start trying to really sock him; a couple of rights connect; then he says to me not to hit him, like he has something wrong with his face, like a bone missing on the right hand side, which amounts to a glass jaw. I mumble something I was sitting

about why did he want to fight then.

with this group and now I'm moving my chair, like a lawn chair with aluminum and the straps, down the hall into another group. The period ends; there's

confusion.

I look at this little slip of paper to Now I'm in the lobby of the

remind myself where to go. school.

It's modern like an airy mall; the office is

over to the right; to the left there's one door out to the street, and then another further up. Now I see

that I have to change schools, that I was supposed to be at L.A. High all along, but then I understand from the office (it doesn't seem like I really go there) that everything is the way it's supposed to be. But it

can't be L.A. High because I've never been there and I

don't know how to go.

I ask this teacher and he says,

catch that person that just went by he's going there to teach, a person that had gone by in the street. I

start to go down to the door further down and then decide to open the one closest to me. street but he's already out of sight. like l'Isle de La Cité in Paris. I look up the The street seems

I ask some students Some

how far it is and they start discussing this.

went there from a Jr. High they say, and others from another, and they say it can't be that far, otherwise they wouldn't have gone there from that Jr. High. Their discussion gets all involved in these aspects. to believe that it's far enough. Then I'm led I stop

completely,

trying to decide if I should take my car

or leave it in this school's parking lot; I'm stuck and can't decide; I'm thinking I'll have a lot of trouble finding parking since the school is where it is, even though schools are supposed to have their own parking. Finally in my mind I hear the voice from the office telling me to take my car. A dark atmosphere in the dream. I'm teaching French at this one school, but then it turns out that I should be at this other school, and

I make a mental note to myself that I need to go, but then I fall asleep, and I just barely wake up at 8 o'clock, which is the time the classes start, so I'm saying well I'll be late, and I'm leaving the

classroom, but then I've taken the key with me, or no I left the book with the teacher, and so I need to go back and get it for the office, the teacher's edition, and she reluctantly but I gives it make to me. out It's that in bad the

condition

finally

it's

teacher's edition.

Then there's a scene in a classroom

that is fairly disorderly, the room at the end of this hallway. Then I'm waking up. I still have to go to

this class.

Now there are two girls sleeping with me I have to put on my

in this class, and maybe two beds. clothes.

I reach over them to get my pants from the

closet, a pair of Levi’s, from before; then I say turn your heads, and I put my pants on. One girl has

already moved and taken my place in the bed. It's like a search for this person, this girl or girl and boy. The landscape is rather sinister.

Younger people, the first night they are sleeping in this wooden tower, with a ladder going down, and during the night they hear this quiet sound, which is someone

or something chopping away at the ladder, at first only the first rung, but then on up, and very slowly and quietly, like gnawing really, and I don't see any big cause for alarm because the tower structure has a built in ladder. Then I'm down there and I have a

flashlight; I'm on the ground and I roll over hoping to throw the light on him or it but somehow it gets away. It's about late morning and we're still searching; it's like a western landscape, dry and sandstone. There's

this piece of paper in this large crater; it's very old and dry and faded, and the other person picks it up and exclaims that she's been there, or maybe doesn't but should because I see the picture on the paper which has a horse and I look out across the landscape and on the far side I see the horse, brown, about half-way up the hill or mountain side. I'm there but not really; it's The person

hard to tell if I'm really participating.

or I or the other takes and tears the photo out because they see the horse on the mountain in the photo, or in reality, or maybe they don't see it but only I and it's I that tears out the picture, because the horse was hers and maybe she was looking for her horse.

It starts at the end.

I'm in a gothic melodrama; I've made a mess of I'm leaving

I'm trying to help the heroine.

things or it is all way too complicated.

and on my way out I hear voices over at this one wooden door, old style, like medieval; I go over there; it's like the door to the basements in the building in the rue Voltaire. I listen but then I decide I can't do anything. Going out I go right past the other opening

to the room and pull open the door which has this cord attached to it. Now I'm upset because they know I was

there, and for a brief second I was worried about not being able to escape, but I walk off, like in a play almost, and wake up. Before that I was with this girl,

like a neighbor; we're at this house in the country like Bill's in Oregon; the girl reminds me of this girl in high school, Martha Ross. trying to put the make on her. It seems I'm sort of I like brought her here

after school, maybe with a pretense, but which I don't remember. She's sitting at the dining room table,

which is very large, like one would find in a large country mansion. and she says no. I ask if she wants something to eat I had the intention of making her

dinner; she doesn't want anything; she just wants to

leave.

I'm

thinking

I'll

drive

her

home

but

she

doesn't even want that; she just wants me to accompany her to the end of the driveway. Out there I'm worried

about my parents coming back, and then my car breaking down, or getting caught doing something I'm not

supposed to.

The kitchen is the link to the side door,

like before I leave the scene goes there, or as I'm leaving; it comes back to my ineffectualness; and out on the road there is a terrible complication of on and off ramps, and I can't follow it, the clover leaf is like a medieval blazon. distress, but who I The girl is like a damsel in help, and I was like

couldn't

trying to get out of the scene; like some times at that point it wasn't clear if I was participating or

onlooking.

With the other girl I was trying to convert

a friend into something sexual, like come over to my house to eat a snack; I was trying to make it into an encounter and she didn't want it. The freeway

cloverleaf, I seem to remember the scene from another dream, and an open book, perhaps again I remember from another dream, as yet unremembered; I recognized them but I don't know from where.

I had an intuition of the end of the world, or of a cataclysm; I had done some basic divinatory measures and come up with this, but I was doubtful or I had only arrived at the idea at the last moment, so I was caught almost as unprepared as everyone else. I ended up

taking this car and floating it on water, I wouldn't say water, maybe on the miasma, and I was talking with someone, maybe my father, about what to do next, and I dented in the roof a bit to make a surface easier to stand on; we also talked a bit about how I managed to foresee this; and then I was going to build a pyramid on top of this, slowly starting with the base and then a layer at a time, composed of cubes or cubic. Before

this there was a lot of confusion. I was in this city; I knew certain routines but not everything. I was

going to take this dance class at 5:30. It was the class; then I'm taking it, and as I'm finishing I see in the mirror on the other side another room with a class starting that looked like it would be more fun; I almost decided to stay and take it too, but then I decided that the one I had taken had been just fine; in the one there were some very nice girls or moves, and I was starting to feel cheated and then I saw that in

mine also they were okay.

Before that there was a

section like with Gail but not; the idea was to be with this girl, a lover, but my time was too structured. It

wasn't like before and I couldn't just be with her, but we're like going off anyway, like we'd taken the time and we're going to go anyway; this into fading There

nothingness.

The pyramid was to be my shelter.

was going to be a rain but not like normal, something else. I made an appointment with Bruce to go see this concert and take some acid, and then something came up so I was going to take some acid with these girls, and I was supposed to do something with Phil, all this at 7 this evening. I got off work or I was driving and I

had some problem with my car or something, and I stop in this department store. I'm about to go out the

checkstand and I think to use a phone to call Bruce and tell him I won't be able to make it, but I can't

remember his number, just the first three, and probably he isn't home yet anyway, so I call this other person that knows him and ask him to relay the message. I'm

vaguely thinking about taking acid with these girls; I'm out by my car and Bruce pulls up; he says he got

the message and so he came here to meet me; then arrive some of his friends, big guys, about 3, and a black girl and guy. I'm leaning against the hood of the car;

he says he only has so much and he's asking who wants it, and then someone else says he has some, another kind. Bruce didn't have the kind I'd hoped for, but things are working out. It might have been Phil I

called to relay the message to Bruce; and the phone in the department store was locked, and it had this heavy black shoulder rest on in. I don't know how I called

or from where, apparently from there, like just the intention sufficed. I can't remember what I was going

to do with the girls; maybe it was just one and we were going to sit at home and just watch the television on acid. I was upset about having all these rendezvous, It

and worried, but I couldn't do anything about it.

was with the girl that I really wanted to do the thing, but I think I also couldn't get any acid. I was very

surprised that Bruce had got the message; I had already discounted this idea, put him out of my mind, because there would only be a short period that he would be home after work before he would leave again, and I

didn't even think he would come looking for me, that

was

completely

his

idea;

the

parking

lot

was

quite

empty, the store had a line at the cashier, like Kmart; I had been looking around for a phone to use without permission, that I would just pick up. This guy's a bum; he has stole this couch and loveseat, or at first maybe he's only using them at this house, but then he takes them; maybe they're pink and green; he's dragging them around with him; now he's in a cubicle like it would be in a rat maze, the size about eight by eight. He's still got the pair; it's

like he's camping out; the area is very clean however, like in an experiment, sterile, though I didn't even notice this while it was happening. not really; awareness, it's like but really this all without I am watching, but front of awareness

happens in a subject,

without a subject.

The man drags a couple of cushions

from another cubicle and throws them against the couch and loveseat to give a more inclined backing, and lies on the floor against them. Now he is going to steal them or another pair and there's a window in the

cubicle, and he's watching this man who has them, or he's got them and he's taking them to his cubicle, but the other man catches him, and this is already a

repeat, almost step by step, a déjà vu, not for me but for them; and the first time the owner got bashed, but now he's more prepared like with a you won't get me this time sort of thing. One of the two gets clobbered I think

along side the head and goes crawling away.

it's the robber, but it was the reverse; in the first time which is like super-imposed, or like one can see in the background behind what is happening in the

present; the background then becomes the foreground and one sees how the owner got clobbered, and the other took his couch and loveseat. like in an experiment, like This is all very clean, through glass. He gets

cudgeled with something that was found in the cubicle, but that is never clear; maybe in that one cubicle of the owner there was a science counter and the cudgel came from behind there, but that is less clear; the clearest scene is the bum arranging the cushions and lying down, and then the actual confrontation. cubicle is white with sealed walls. The

It seems like I

vaguely remember this confrontation scene from another dream. I've been given this huge mansion; I don't know why; everything is done in green; maybe the owner died;

there's a butler that stayed. with someone.

I seem to be dialoging

I don't even use the rest of the place,

just like one room; I rearrange one part, I put this one chair with wheels in another place by a desk; for a second my attention focuses on this chair with wheels; I'm thinking I'll move it again later; it is wood,

sturdy and heavy. at it and decide

I move another chair and then I look to myself that it's alright; big

bureau, and wood, old style, heavy and polished; plush quiet carpet, and then over to the other side another sort of desk; it has some maybe electronic devices. I

lift this one dust cover, the same size as a control box. I don't know what it's for; I make a mental note

to myself to explore it further later, maybe look for an instruction booklet, etc. I'm dubious that this is

really mine; I think it won't last and then I tell myself, and my dialogist tells me one or the other or the same, that it's for good. there's all these drawers I start to explore; side; I open a

along one

couple and they're all clean, some shelving paper loose in some, and then I come to another, and there's these pajamas behind and underneath the pieces of paper,

still in the package, a shade of green, and then some

shirts, also in shades of green, and I realize that there's lots of clothes still to be discovered, and that were left. The butler appears like to see if I No windows, dark

want anything else and then leaves.

green or dark, the room reminds me of a small movie theater, the feeling; I would guess there's a fancy dark green carpet in the center of the room, but the focus is first on the one side with the big wooden bureau, and then on the other with the more modern, perhaps white hutch, and then the drawers, this on the right side. my My awareness seems to start maybe when there's I'm a

finishing

little

rearrangement,

vague idea of my arrival.

Later I dream I'm on the

porch of the same house, a few more details but I don't remember them. This independent company or these people are

building these bridges in this city over rivers; the focus is on two, going and coming; when I start to remember it's Sunday morning and these pickups, like two or three, are leaving these sandstone or cement blocks in the center between the different directions of traffic. They're cement and there's a slight slant down like four inches, and then about six to eight feet

of

median

strip

and

inside four

of

this

they're

putting are

these

blocks,

about

foot

square.

People

doubtful of this enterprise.

Along the sides of the

bridges there's these cement Ts stretching lengthwise, and sometimes with gaps, which are intermittent, and these are like part of the structure but I couldn't tell what; during the dream this was obvious, but they were leaning one way or the other and didn't look very sturdy, and people were eyeing them with suspicion. On

the bridge going in the other direction people had even stopped and had pushed them in one direction or the other, accentuating the lean to see if they would break and fall, which they didn't, so these people were

walking away saying well maybe they work; these were about four feet thick square base and maybe eight or ten feet high; the T was either a connection with

another or with an arbitrarily placed gap; also the blocks them were being placed were and the commentary them in against the

was

that

they

bringing

from

desert on Sunday morning, and the commentary for them was being said or thought - that was the only free time they had to do it. Then before this Phil Fell is

taking me to this friend of his to confirm an idea,

maybe having to do with these constructions or not, an expert. We pull up, a trailer window; I can see

inside; I don't see him in there but Phil thinks he's there; he will give the definitive judgment on this. After everything, even after the testing of the Ts, maybe our little group, never defined, was going to have like a little picnic in the median strip. No one

ever said anything, all of these thoughts were just in the air, just happening. The private initiative was

clear but it was never clear why it was being taken; also the business was not professional, and rather like a ma and pa sort of deal, and it didn't appear to be very efficient. I've been invited to a party by this girl. It's

Saturday evening or late afternoon; I'm going by bike; it's quite far, like on back roads outside of a small town. way, I'm going along; I pass a bike going the other who going is turned looking back, and maybe

shaking his fist, maybe just looking.

I see a person

standing but he's got a car, and he's holding something which looks like an air filter, the same shape; he's holding it up saying I'm sorry, I won't do it again; apparently he cut the bicyclist off or something. It's

a long ways, a long straight stretch, forest, like a black forest. Then I'm having trouble riding, like the I

bike wants to fall over, or slide out from under me.

slow down; I don't understand what the problem is; I keep going but it's hard not to fall; I look at the road but I can't see any reason there. I decide it

must be the road and I just go slow; then I come to the little town, little bridge. my destination, a fork in the road, a

Then I'm walking into the room with a

lot of people; it's a very formal affair; I don't feel out of place, like I must be dressed formally also. get to this other room which almost feels I

like the

kitchen, where my girlfriend is, but awareness never focuses on her, rather on this young elegant man who's like her father, and I who say had is yes. given asking I'm me a me if I got there my a

alright,

worried ticket;

because I pause

girlfriend

never

minute and finally like work it into the conversation that I don't have a ticket. He says not to worry about it, he'll work on it, and maybe his wife or something leaves the room from the opposite side to go see about it. He asks me how was my trip and I remember the road

and I say okay; he asks me what I'll do if they can't

come up with a ticket and I say I'll just go home, it's no problem, like I didn't have anything to do anyway, and he says but it's Saturday night, and I say that it doesn't matter. The only problem I'm thinking to

myself, is that I won't be with this girl. My aunt and uncle have come to visit for a couple of days from quite a ways away; then I or my brother and I are going to leave with them. I'm thinking it

will be about five o'clock but they say rather a little after noon. I'm driving in the forest in an old

pickup, about a 1935, and I'm working on fixing this thing; I'm sitting on the rider's side and it's like a small light sewing machine, about half the size of a regular machine, plastic and very light. Then I

realize that I have to turn the truck around and go back, and to do this I need to get into the driver's side, so I slide over, but it's almost pitch black; I can just barely see the shadows of the trees, and the lights on the truck are off. I try to turn them on as

the truck is turning; I can't, so I try to find the brake to stop, and I can't. The turn is done but I'm I was

sure I hit something or I'm buried in the woods.

supposed to take a lunch with me to go with them but I

hadn't prepared anything.

Also the driveway to the

house, we were playing there maybe. My car was parked in this field with these other cars, almost like the annex to a gas station or

something; it was blocked in by a rust colored red BMW. These guys were talking in a group over there and so I went over to see if it belonged to someone there; I waited a second to interrupt; then it was and so he went to move it; then I back out my car, and it's like next to the freeway so I go into this field to turn around, and then I'll take the freeway north crossing the meridian, nice field. Before that this guy had set

me up to see this girl, that is he was showing me where she lived; he took me and showed me her building, like I was following him in the car or something, and he yelled to me as an afterthought that it was the tenth floor, but then he never told me her name; I didn't

think about this until I went into the building; I went in from the back way, from like the parking lot, old and badly kept, the paint all faded; the numbers for the floors were missing and the names faded. I looked

out through the front window and thought about going out and yelling at him or signaling him as he was

leaving but I decided that he'd already left.

A couple

of names at the bottom like Fabian or Patrice, and I thought about using the old phone there to see if it was one of them or if they knew this person; a black phone to be used to announce arrival, a little plaque said to call before going up, and this reassured me in thinking to call but then since I didn't even know her name I decided that it wouldn't work. building very disappointed. I leave the

It's Sunday afternoon and

I've nothing to do, and I'm thinking that's the last time I'll swallow a deal like that, like I'm not going to put up with trips like that, like I'm just going to stop everything until things get like they should be, like a strike until things start going like they

should. It's Saturday night and I've been out to a show or something; it. I get to my car in the parking lot and open

I have a little trouble starting it, it's small finally, I close the

and old; when I get it started

lock on the door because I'm thinking about muggers, even though I don't have any money. I've the intention

of pulling the car forward a bit to a spot on the left and then go out that way, but the car starts going

backward and my vision is obscured because the windows are fogged; I can't stop it and when I finally do I'm relieved that I hadn't hit any other car; the vague idea for an instant that if I had it wouldn't have been my fault. Driving, now it's day, going along these

woods, the side of a lake, the spot where I used to go, but the shore line has been altered, and goes in and back on itself; I can see it from up on the road and it's dirt or mud. I remember before that it was

straight and it seems like this scene happened earlier in the dream also. Then I pass back by, same pass, and

I'm understanding better the situation and I'm deciding where I'm going to stay; I decide to go on the other side of the altered part; I had to decide to go either before it or after it; apparently the cause of this is that a bunch of Winnebagos are staying there, this

because someone has been trying to develop the spot, so I opt to go further and not have my privacy bothered by them, but it's not apparent that even then it'll work. Then I'm driving and it's back to Saturday night and there's this girl with me. of town and I'm back in Then the road is going out the same situation as the

parking lot; I can't see anything because of ice on the

windows; I don't know if the girl is still with me or not; all I can see is a little hole through the front, that slight feeling of panic; it's starting to clear. I'm looking for a place alongside the road where I can pull over, but I think that other cars can't see either and might hit me from behind, so I'm waiting for a place where I can get completely off the road. The ice or snow is changing to rain. I find a spot to pull

over and two other cars stop with me, people I know, small, old cars, a girl, a European flavor now, maybe in the other car a girl and a boy, a little restaurant nearby, lots of wet gravel space alongside the road. I'm thinking or saying that's enough people for a

party, but there's more boys than girls, which maybe isn't true but that's the way I'd understood the

situation, and someone says or I think, but there was this girl back at the little grocery store; they say her name and I remember passing by there a ways back and she was there and so were they, and she might still be there and we could catch her still there. We're

thinking we could almost have an orgy; then perhaps I'd gone for her, at any rate the scene changes; this house by a shore, wood, I'm going into the bedroom; there's

one of the previous women, a European maturity in the atmosphere; I'm thinking about sleeping with her but it's not exactly clear, because of the morning and what we have to do in the morning or something like that; the focus for a second is on should we or shouldn't we; the rest is of course only background. It's like a tableau; there's two figures sitting like on a cement floor; one is deteriorating, deathly white, the other, perhaps related to me, is consoling it. The dream zooms in and then out and has done this two or three times. In, the tableau is everything, and The figure seems

out I can see it as though framed.

leprosied; one arm is cut halfway; the other is holding a hacksaw. In the last scene the other figure or me,

as they're consoling it takes the saw and passes it through the arm and cuts it in half, and the half falls away, there was no sawing, just passed it through like Jell-O. The figure looks at the fallen away stump with

anguish but it is resigned; there is nothing that can be done. The figures are white on a black background,

like in a stone cell or dungeon; there is perhaps the vague idea that now the figure can no longer caress the other.

I'm in this dance class; it's really crowded; it seems like we're going in a line or something; everyone is very close, all these young pretty girls. The one

in front of me is so close that my lips and cheek keep brushing her neck; I think she's going to get mad but she doesn't and in fact it's alright. I'm on vacation; it's like the eastern U.S. but it's like the Aleutians were off of Maine. A very long

semi-submerged arm with the same shape, grassy, and at the end the land is firmer, like an island, but there it's exposed to the ocean; even though this must be northern it doesn't seem that cold. other places around there that I I'm thinking about could go, but in

general they're too grassy and low. the sun. out in There's dunes. the middle beneath of me,

I'm lying out in

I get the impression of being nowhere, or like of the of earth this

disappearing

something

maybe

insecurity and I look around and I see people and small houses and I think I shouldn't worry, there's people around. Then I'm with this girl, kind of small, French The atmosphere is Paris but I don't

and blondish.

recognize the places.

We make love a lot; it seems

like we're in this entry area of like a mansion and my

father

is

trying like

to

tell

me

that me

I'm do

going this;

to

do

something, there.

he's

ordering

to

she's

There's like a railing, and then maybe a fence

about three feet high, chain-link, but starting to fall down. I listen to him; he is more and more demanding, I won't put up with it and I leave with the

emphatic.

girl, saying he doesn't run my life and doesn't have any right to. Through an old courtyard, a square, and For

we come out on a grand thoroughfare, a boulevard.

some reason girls are easy; this one I like because we make love a lot, even though she's kind of skinny, and now we're thinking about where to go to make love.

Then I'm sleeping in this bed, and through this window, like into a laundry room, I see this cat; he was with she or I. There's also a girl with me. I call the cat

quietly and he comes, gets down from there, and goes around to the right through a door and comes in and jumps up on the bed. He will sleep there, he's warm

and purring, lies down in a ball like between the girl and I. I'm thinking if it's good if the cat gets this

habit, also that my mother always slept with a cat; he's like black or black calico.

I'm

in

this

living

room

with

someone

like

my

mother. There's a sort of cake or pudding, large like in a punch bowl, and there's something hidden inside of it that other people want. It is going to get served up but it can't because then someone would find this. is in the center of the floor like a bird It

feeder;

there's this cloth around the base like is done with a Christmas tree. The scene changes to outside; one

person then another goes to this same setup only larger and outside, like trying to solve the riddle, like

rival spies. inside, I'm

It's somewhere in the blanket; now back talking and at the same time this is

outside and while I'm talking I'm moving this curtain to this large sliding glass door; I'm moving it back and forth and it's catching on something, and I'm

wondering, maybe I say what is this, a cat, and I keep moving it back and forth trying to disengage the thing. Finally this big bulldog appears, not like the nice dog that had been in the center of the room earlier. Now

we're like under duress to produce the thing that's hidden and the dog is going to be used to persuade me, and I picture him holding my wrist and biting fiercely with his jaw. Now outside, one has discovered the

object and is running with it; it's cold and icy and he slips and falls and the object surrounded in cloth goes skidding away from him. Another man grabs it and

starts running, and then maybe it's me and I throw it into this swimming pool, and another that was after it is just about to dive in after it, and I say or think or he thinks that it's too cold and he will freeze to death. Maybe what was inside at the beginning was a

little formed pudding cake. I took my bike into this field like on this ranch. It was probably Dio's suggestion. It was up in the

mountains, an orchard of small trees, a lot of grassy areas in between them. I'm trying to ride but there's I go on; at some say The the very

not enough grassy areas and too much dirt. there's some people For like has I a kick opened working moment me I and I pass they by

distance. something landscape ground;

think but

might

out

they

didn't. snow on

out

and It's

there's not

keep

going.

cold

but

beautiful; I'm in a sort of valley and I can see the snow all around, and going up the mountain sides even more, like it had snowed a day or two ago and it was still there. To the right there's a sort of ravine, a

small trail where kids had made a sled run the day before, now sketchily covered with snow, a very

beautiful scene.

This guy across the valley is going

in; suddenly it's starting to get late, and dark very very quickly. I worry for a second and then call out

to that guy because I see that I won't be able to find my way back out because it's almost dark already. He

hears me and stops, and waits irritated, but then he gradually becomes less so as I approach. I was with Anita in a car on a trip. sleeping together, but then we had a We were fight or I

something; it's not clear why she's not with me. have the station. up. car; I pull into this old

whitewashed gas

I'm sitting in the car, and then she pulls

The car is not visible, hidden behind the pumps They take

and other cars, neither is her companion.

out this black bag, like a doctors bag but bigger, and start to go towards the office of the place which is also a hotel. This whole routine she did with me, and I'm low in the seat then suddenly the

now she's doing it with another. so she won't notice me, but

windshield wipers on my car start going very fast even though it's not raining.

I'm walking up above a ravine, a deep valley; down below it seems almost like a dry river bed; then I see a shallow river in the bed, but then I see a small plane descend and land, and I think it must be an

airport.

Then I see a shallow river in the bed, the

plane landing in the shallow water, and I think that is very strange. I continue walking and looking, and I

see a crocodile; gradually my vision focuses on it down there, small and indefinite, and then I see it clearly as it scampers across the open space, and I think that is very strange. hand in her pants. Before I was with Kathy. I put my

I was starting to play with her;

we'd like got together after a spell, but she didn't want me to and stopped me nicely. I'm in this place like for convalescence, perhaps mental. This lady is like tallying up my behavior; My name, I say, is

maybe I wasn't doing so good.

spelled with a K, and she says no, and she goes and gets my father to solve the argument. mother hadn't changed done to it it to a Q; I'm very did He says that my surprised; My she

legally, the

just

it.

father that I

hesitated

reveal

information

knowing

would be upset, like of the type, I'm sorry but it's

really this way.

In the next scene I'm out of my area

and a bell or something happens to mean we're to be back there. There's like a stage to climb up, a bar

across the front, a big armchair is there that I could move and use it to climb up, then grab hold of the bar and get up on the stage. Next to me a man and a boy do

exactly this, but I hesitate and I'll be late but I still hesitate. the stage At first I thought I could get up on the chair but then looking and

without

thinking about the movement I decided that it would be too high, and I would also have trouble passing between the bar and the floor. The night before there was a

very voluptuous dream with a girl like Tatiana perhaps. I put my hand in her pants and then move down over her, she's open and wet and adoring. I'm in this classroom; it's dark and oppressive. We've been distributed this book or perhaps none and at the last minute of the day they decide to distribute this other book, so we are going to have to stay way overtime. The next segment is at another time, just as it's time to leave they tell us that we have to get our grades. We file out of the classroom and we have to

stand in line over a certain distance away, but the

line isn't definite, groups of people standing around, it's hard to tell where the line starts or ends or goes. I stand in one spot for a while and then I see

that it's not going anywhere and I see another line close to the entrance to a building. it's moving so I go there. hall, paint. around. a very big old It looks like

I enter this very large building, faded white

wooden

I walk down the hall anxiously; no one else is I've lost the line; maybe my brother is

around, I never really see him, just feel his presence. I decide to go back to the beginning of the hallway because I couldn't find the room where we were supposed to go, and I'm wondering if maybe it's upstairs. My

brother has already gone ahead of me it seems, up these stairs, still nothing, no one; at the top it seems like an attic. I can almost feel the building swaying up

here, it's old and fragile, and this is high up on its center of gravity. The roof is in a V like in an

attic; I look across the expanse; at first I don't see if I'm supposed to walk across the rafters; I think they wouldn't ask me to do that, and I see a place to walk on the left side of the building, but about half way. I see that I'm going to have to go over or around

what

looks

to

be

sort

of

skylights,

two

of

them,

looking down now when I start to move across, I can't, I'm stuck, like webs are holding me, a resistance. I

can move a little, but only like back and forth; I look out and I don't see how I'll be able to work my way all the way across against such resistance, especially

since I don't see anyone either getting or giving out what we were after, and I don't see my brother who has completely disappeared. Out in the middle of nowhere, maybe on this

plateau; I find this auto carcass and I start to make camp inside it. I'm very happy to have found this; its

all padded with cloth, the windows had these old rotten blinds pulled down, and I immediately put them up to give it a more open feeling, so I could look out, but even with them up it was hard to see anything. couldn't. I

I was vaguely worried about someone finding

me and taking me away, like I was going to use this place as much for a hideout. I was up on this hill watching the waves crash. I

see that it's pretty wild like there had been a storm. Lots of surfers are out riding the big ones. I want to

see closer so I go down from the hill; it's pretty far

and not a straight route; finally I get to the beach but now it seems like all the action is over. Then I'm

at school, but I remember that I left my shoes at the cabin on the beach. my During lunch I go there; I've the I'm lost I

walking

barefoot; I can't

running

shoes in

completely, knew.

remember

where,

dream

I come to this area along the beach that is a but I get through it, the whiter the

little swampy

ground the firmer; then I get to the cabin, and I see my white tennis shoes still floating in the water so I get them. There's quite a few people at the cabin, I to

mine, and I say to lock the door when they leave. realize I'm late and start running to go back

school, worried about being late; I think about asking someone for a ride along the boulevard but I decide not to. Then I'm in this car going along this very narrow

road at night; I can just barely see, the road is firm but alongside it seems to be a little swampy; it's way up in the hills. Then the road narrows to the size of

a car with white wooden guide rails on both sides. I turn the lights on bright but that doesn't seem to I stop

help; the road has become impossibly narrow.

the car and open the door to see what the situation is;

I see a block on the outside of each front wheel, and that is why it seemed like the road was so narrow, because of the blocks which were simulating the sides of the road. Then I'm back running; I've headed up

into the hills away from the beach, and boulevard; this narrow street, a motorcycle shop; I keep going. I'm

going to be late; another person is running ahead of me, in street clothes, just running for fun, up at the top of the hill; he goes into this property and its driveway; I start to also but I realize that it's

private and I continue to the right.

I see the road

going along the top of the ridge, no houses or people, it goes as far as I can see; I wonder if it will come out where I need to be, that is at school, or if it will come out too far to the interior or if it will be a dead end. I keep going nevertheless since I've no

other choice; it's too late to go back now. I'm running along this ridge, a gravel road. I

have a very long ways to go, about 10 miles, and it seems very hard. Then it seems like I'm running along

a beach; the ridge gradually descends to a beach; I'm running barefoot. There's not much room between the

water and the loose sand moving up away from the water.

It's still a very long ways and I don't know how I got into doing it because it seemed like I was doing it of my own accord. I was going to go to summer school, but it was going to cost money and I didn't have it. I was going

to Eugene, from where I was at here, and I was talking to mother, saying that she give me a blank check to pay for the class. I was in my room and I woke at 9:00 am,

and lying in the bed in this room and I think now it's probably too late to register. I go out and say I need

a blank check but she won't give it to me for some reason. I get very very mad. Then I'm with this girl

and we're like walking along this way, maybe railroad tracks; the idea of it being on the other side. I'm

still upset over not being able to register; the whole idea of registering, the scene at the university and everything are still fresh in my mind. She is saying I

don't need all that money; she goes into this derelict old little phone booth and takes out this coin that is perhaps foreign and is of hardly any value, and puts it in the phone and calls my grandmother; she starts

talking to her.

The idea being she is showing me what I was really spiteful

I could do with so little money.

about going, saying look at all I'd done at the other school, etc. my insistence. I'm with a girl and we're looking at this I don't know what the urgency was or why

apartment. We arrive there, and we pass in front of this building, long and somewhat narrow. apartment is in front. here before. The owner's

I remember vaguely having been

We ring at the door; my companion is in

the background; we go in; the lady says that right now there isn't anything available. much. I say I figured as I spend a moment would be for a

It's like 15 dollars a week. myself how much this

calculating to month.

There is a very large turnover of tenants, and

I say that I would want her to write my name down and call me when to this write tenant with leaves. and I She look goes to get the The any

something apartment. bedroom is

around

It is in the back, and like buried. like a gym, a huge expanse, hardly

windows, and only like some little skylights like one finds in old school gyms. but even darker, The living room is the same strewn around the huge

furniture

expanse, a very dark window over to the right where I think I would probably spend some of my time. I would

miss the heat of the sun that I get in my present apartment, but the contrast would be nice for a change. I'm definitely remembering having looked at this

apartment before. changes.

The lady comes back.

Then the scene

I'm with this girl, some kind of get together

or party; her younger brother isn't there; he left or something. A policeman comes and informs her that he

has gotten into trouble; I can't remember now for what. Then after all that he says they had to shoot him to get him to stop, which considering the circumstances was completely unnecessary. The boy is almost dying in I'm with the

the hospital according to the officer.

girl and we’re waiting to go up in an elevator I don't know where. It opens and we go in. I move against her,

sort of to console her; she accepts this and in the same movement I embrace her holding her from the back. She has a full body. This man is traveling alone, an apocalyptic

terrain, craggy rock and sandstone.

He goes along on

foot, and then remembers to go back to get something, back to this village, back over these narrow, winding paths, a crossroads where people are camped. there has been a civil war, It's like or the

northern Mexico

like.

This one little girl has taken out this little Around the other

American flag and is playing with it.

huts one sees other telltale signs that this side is for the United States, little flags, etc., that can be put away in case someone else comes. that nevertheless they probably The man thinks English.

don't speak

The man maybe gets something and then goes back along his way. He has stopped to camp, and he is drinking

something like milk from a bottle like one of those cups with the mouth piece. A person has shown up, a female, distrust, suspicion, very dark skin. She asks

to take a drink; they are both sitting on the ground. She bends over and puts her tube in a hole in the bottle, inserts it through a slit in the side, and

sucks out some of the fluid, one long suck; she makes a comment about the price of the liquid which is supposed to be fixed but which fluctuates radically each day; she says today it was -- yesterday it was -- . starting to accept her, a wooden shack. He is are

They

setting up for the night; there is a door out to one side that they never check if its locked or secure, and I keep thinking that they should; it has four window panes. She mentions a cord to use to extend the power,

an extension cord, something to do about waking up in the morning and she knows where to find it in this cupboard; she asks him if he knows about this and he says yes and this sets his mind thinking; he goes along this road driving back, going back in time thinking that he is the only one that travels forward into the future, and he thinks that is how he knows what it is. She is uncoiling the cord and attaching it. One end

will be accessible if one could get through the door, which she doesn't worry about though she mentions that one has to be careful about leaving the other end

unattended because someone could come and tap into it. It is definitely a power cord and the plug has a

rounded back, which also has to do with not being able to tap into it. The cord is related to the tubes and

the milky liquid. The crossroads was like a poor little village in the desert, about four huts, women and

children, no men around. I'm leaving work and I have to clear out the car. There's these packets of milk in a crate in the back on the back ledge under the back window. Time is short

and so I scramble back there to pull them out, but when I put my hand through the narrow opening the plastic

sacks of the packets are smaller than I had imagined. The milk is condensed, one has to add water; I see it written on the plastic as I'm hauling them out. I'm

disappointed, but then things get out of control; the car gets away from me and I lose everything. this large thoroughfare. It's on

I look at it, about to give

it up for lost, but then in a flash I move to get the stuff out of it, but as I'm going towards it these cars come; it's ruthless, they hit it and push it along and they don't care; they are like mindless or in such a hurry to get where they are going. Then the car is

pushed past this cliff or wall so I can't get to it, shoved along by one car and then another. concerned about the damage. decide to go after it. No one seems

I almost desist and then I

When I finally catch up to it

after the cliff there's this old lady and old man that are rifling in it out in the middle of the street, no background, just this huge street. everything. She has got almost

I'm after the cigarettes that I see her

put in this small net bag hung from around her neck and hanging down in front of her chest, and the milks, but by the time I finally get to her she is already moving away; despite her age and horribleness I make a move to

grab the stuff but she like signs me or otherwise makes it apparent that she's dirty or sick and has touched the consumables. I'm coming home at night after a long day. very long walk up this incline. walking and finally I get there. groceries also. the front door. on automatically. It's a

I keep walking and I was carrying my

I get to the house in Eugene and open It is cold; the sprinklers have come I thought it was night; I was going

to sit down in the living room, which seems the same; then I go look out the kitchen window to see if it's the same and it is, the comforting feeling of being back home. and cold. I look out the patio doors and it's raining Then I notice that the sprinkler is on which

means it's early morning, about 5:00 am, and it's not raining but it's still cold and for a second I get the impression I might get wet, but the impression passes quickly. The grass is very long and I'm going to have

to cut it but I don't really have the time and I don't want to. Then I notice that the water is covering the

patio, about an inch or two and it's not running off like it should, even though there's nothing to stop it. The patio has a lot of mold and moss on it which kind

of floats in the water, but still the water should run off the edge. First I'm with Kathy but she has moved to another apartment. We are still seeing each other but right

now she doesn't have time for me or something and sends me packing. Then I'm with this girl for a short time; Then I meet this other girl; we're

I can't remember.

in this apartment; there's a hippie atmosphere, she's unkempt and at first I think she's dirty. She's

standing, reddish hair; she's tucking in this blouse in her skirt. There are a couple of layers of clothing, I move over At first she

maybe a white undergarment like Andrée's. to her and start helping her tuck it in.

starts to move back and doesn't accept me, and then she decides it's alright. I gradually perceive that she's very tall, and then that she's even taller, like my head comes to about her breasts. We move over against

this wall, an old trailer house or something, my body against hers, very skinny but nice breasts. I'm

thinking this is going, and she's accepting me, and I start to have a second thought because of Kathy but I decide that it doesn't matter. very clear. The surroundings aren't

Later I'm up in a place like Oakridge

where I went to do something.

Then it's time to go

back down from the mountains, but it's getting late. I'm taking a car, but it has snowed and the road has some snow on it. ways to go. Then I'm walking, and I have a long

There's an empty can of coke in the road.

Dio and I are fishing in this stream and I catch one and land it, a small trout. We're up a place like

up Fall Creek, the huge rocks bordering the stream. Then later we decide to go again. We arrive at We

Harold's house, something about using his boat.

have bought tickets to see some shows; were going on vacation up by Portland and we're supposed to be

leaving, but Harold was going to use the boat, and so we have to wait; and I start thinking it would be

better to do without it, especially since it is cutting into our time. and forgets Dio starts watching TV like with Janet, At the same time or

about everything.

before we're at the lake and walking to the fishing area, but the area is swampy. one scene almost where the water, I remember distinctly come to and the knees, in the

water would with leaves

clear

debris,

trees over the forest floor.

Dio keeps watching TV and

now we're late; the show started at 9:30 and it is

already past, but Dio wants to see the end of the TV show. I picture a map of the road going north, little

cities spread about, the feeling of Lake Oswego, but the road should I'm be I-5 to but get it only seems and like to two get

lanes.

starting

upset

want

going; then Dio, now it's Andrée, starts getting upset, and she's going to cry, so I take her by the hand and take her into the bedroom to solace her and I go to throw her on the bed, but Harold has laid down and is rolled up in a ball naked, but Andrée doesn't seem to notice or care, and then I start to get her back up off the bed to take her somewhere else. We're leaving in

the car, late, and I'm unfamiliar with the streets. I'm trying to look at the map; I think we pass the street to go out of town by the north and I stop to look at the map, but Dio keeps going and I start to get enervated; looking at the map, the roads coincide, and we are going to go that way. The dream is very

enraveled and intertwined.

The boat brought the idea

to get to the spot on the lake or stream, and then there wouldn't be the problem with the swampy part, and for a second I think about taking the boat and entering

the spot from the lake side but I don't know if it will work. I call home to let them know I'm on my way, but then I'm up on this road on the side of a hill and there's this small house, and I'm moving in. going to help up me and stuff, he arrives he's with all the Jeff is car all like

crammed

with

but

excited,

wired; Sheri's with him, and I say something like he shouldn't let himself get so carried away. Then there

is something about eating, and for a moment I think about home but they're just having pizza and mother can refrigerate the leftovers. Harold or a father image is

there and is going to help me, but he is decrepit and slow and takes too much time to get ready. The arrival

of Jeff was a main point; he came with this stuff he was wanting to get rid of and I was sort of waiting for it, but then it really wasn't worth anything; a glimpse of a black chest. The dream was very quick, staccato

scenes almost unrelated. I'm in France with Andrée but she is taller. are walking. I want her, but she doesn't want We to

reignite the flame.

I say goodbye reluctantly as much

because she won't give me anything as I have to go.

But then I run into her again; I was walking up this very steep hill and she watched me and I think she felt sad for me; I was pulling her saying come on let's do it like, but not saying anything. Then she is sitting

on a wooden bench without a back, against a wall, and her breasts are out of her blouse. start to embrace her. I was thinking it I go to her and

Before this I was with my bike. Venice but it didn't really

was

resemble.

I was going along and each alley I would The road paralleled the and really between notice the the

take and go down to the ocean. ocean but there the were

buildings, I didn't

buildings

alleys.

buildings, only the alleyways.

The ocean was calm like

in a harbor or behind a breakwater, and I was each time a little disappointed. It was also shallow, and so

part of why I kept going to each alley was to find the deep open sea, and I thought next time I should go to Santa Monica. I'm with this girl, maybe Gail, for like a lunch date, no, I've run into her and we make a lunch date because we're both busy at the time, like in a drug store; going out we both go in opposite directions. Then I'm going to a dance class; I'm late; also I go to

this

one

place

and

it

is

very

crowded.

I

can't

remember how I got here, nor why I'm here because I'm planning on taking class in this other place, a small room with mats in the center of the floor, young kids around the sides, more like gymnastics than ballet. I

leave, now I'm in the other class, also crowded, bars everywhere. I'm thinking I'll hold onto this door or

something over to one side; I see this person that I'd seen in Paris and I'm very surprised and I yell across to him; then I go talk to him and ask him why he was in Paris and how long he'd been there, sitting like across from each other, I had a just big office desk between us,

interview; else; I

been

visiting quickly didn't

from to

somewhere if he much

speak he

some

French he

see

understands, there.

doesn't,

learn

too

Then class is starting and I'm in my place, a

glimpse of this girl; starting late; before that I was talking to this girl, no details of the conversation, but I was concerned about stretching myself out because there wasn't time, and I was taking my foot and holding it out, first one then the other. After I'm walking

down this alley or corridor in a metro, with a girl, like my regular girl, and I'm going to go to the

bathroom or she is, this wasn't defined. sees me and comes up to me. from the dance class.

This girl

I vaguely remember her

She's a prostitute; there are

three of them in the corridor, that we saw when we came up. She comes up to me very caressing, coming on, says

she dances and I should be with her, and maybe we like start something or we start to fix a later time. I'm in this classroom, probably science because I'm sitting behind a counter. teaching. The students are The teacher is there there but without

consistence.

I'm trying to use the telephone but each

time I try to dial it I get an odd sound that I haven't heard before; I try twice. Class is over and I ask the

woman how to use the phone and she seems bothered that she needs to explain something so simple. I was

supposedly observing the class; in the next one I'm going to talk about something, life maybe, but I step out, bored or something. Then I'm crossing this large

boulevard, it's like in Paris, the same kind of street, not too many cars. crosswalk. I decide to cross where there's no

I'm bare foot; I saw another person do it

up the way. I get about a third of the way across and I see these cars coming, about 3 or 4, I'm running, the

street is very, very wide, like where 2 or 3 streets come together. I get to the other side of where the

cars are going to pass just as they're going by; one had to change its trajectory a little. went up this hill to this very Before this I old stone

large

building, Parisian.

I was going to go in but when I

got there I couldn't figure out why I would want to go in; then I realize that I'm late getting back to the class and won't give the talk and I won't get credit for the class. After crossing the street I'm on this I need to cross

dirt road on the side of this field.

the field; some young people crossed it back a ways. I'm still planted in bare foot. it perhaps, The field has some seedlings rows of

and then

later some

corn, a corn patch.

I think to cross the first part I've

and then run along the side of the corn patch. definitely missed the whole class and everything. I'm driving at night on a country road.

The days I

had been cool, but today it had gotten hot again.

met this guy like Mike; we got in his car and went a ways; the road was like the back way to Cottage Grove, Sears Delight Road. car and got in mine. Then for some reason we parked his We go a ways; we're talking about

where we'd like to go and he's talking about Canada, which he really likes; I start to say, I'm remembering going there with my grandparents, and I say I haven't been there 3 times since I was 18, but he cuts me off short saying that he's been there 59 times. We come to

this cleared area, a pull off like a gravel pits; he gets out maybe to go take a leak, and I'm thinking it's time for me to be getting home because I might work tomorrow. He gets back and I say I'm going to take him Back down on the road, pulling out we I've

back to his car.

drive by this back yard scene or a camping scene.

this sort of old station wagon; on this table is food and dishes and stuff left over from eating; I know the people. I see a little grass laying on the table loose I'm thinking it's mine or I gave it

and some papers. to them.

I keep going but then I decide I want a I stop the

little to smoke and I would sleep better. car and go back.

There's a little wind; I take a

little and put it in a paper and roll it up, not very neatly but very quickly, and get back in the car after lighting it, and ask him if he wants any; he says no. Then we're at my house. I invited him in for a second.

Before all of this I get home and Dio is with the

neighbor bitch who is sitting on the bed.

When she

leaves Dio says that they ran into each other down in the yard and they were talking, etc. This guy and I

are talking; we're in this small trailer in the front living room part; down on his right there's a computer on the floor and I start to tell him how I'm into computers. He looks at it and I start to say that that He starts in saying how he's I decide not

one's not mine but Dio's.

into 8mm film and he has a camera, etc. to say any more about computers.

It was night, but

when we stopped at the picnic table or backyard table it seemed lit like during the day; I wouldn't say

daylight, no sunlight, but lit clearly. This girl is with me on a date. We're at my

place. I'm sitting and she comes over and is standing by me. She has on a mini-skirt; I take a chance and

put my hands on her thighs; she doesn't resist, I say why don't we go lie down for a while. I'd never done this before, New feeling like if she will

wondering

accept or reject the advance. It was time to leave this village or this city. There was a long route, taking paved roads. I was with

some friends but they were still in the main part of

the city.

I was out on the northern outskirts.

I had

a bike. I see this gravel road that looks like it would go to the other city or village where we want to go. The gravel is like imbedded in the dirt and it would be alright to use a bike on it. There's a couple of old

wooden shacks there where the road starts off, sort of bucolic and poor, atmosphere like with animals around but I don't see any. I start to go up the road but

then I remember that it is getting late in the day, and if the route turns out to be long I would have to do it in the gone. dark, plus my friends won't know where I've

I turn around and going past the houses there's

a couple of folk and I ask them about where the road goes, and they don't exactly know but they think it goes where I say. a next later Then I have joined my friends. Then I'm going out of a movie

segment.

theater; two girls are leaving next to me, and I don't know them, one strong and thin and the other stronger and larger breasts. As we go out of the theater we all

three start running as though that was the normal way we get around, running from one place to the next, like people use cars. The taller girl is going really fast

it seems, almost a sprint, but it's her normal pace,

and I notice that she's not distancing me; the other girl doesn't seem to be running as fast but she is alongside me. They seem to act like they think for a I would like to make

minute I'm going to bother them.

a play but I don't; we're going up this hill like by the Ralph’s store in Century City on Olympic and they are going to go off to the left while I continue to the right. The breastier girl after we split up unbuttons

the buttons on her blouse which is like a golf shirt with three buttons. She unbuttons the first two and I say Right

then the third, showing a glimpse of cleavage. bye as we separate and she sort of smiles at me.

after she unbuttons the buttons there's also a flash of an image of me unbuttoning my three pants' buttons. I'm in this class. The teacher is a fanatic.

It's the first day and he just keeps going on and on; before that he handed back a test and I only got a C; I already had some other work, like the first thing I did for the class I got a D, and I'm wondering how I'm going to be able to get an A with my average already so low. I'm sitting with this girl and we're saying how he is. be Then over, without he a break, right the into class this

fanatical really

should

goes

demonstration, a large room, a large open space where he's moving around up front. I don't see any other The

students, still the presence of the girl by me.

teacher is making something; I think he's going to make a sail; he takes this metal pole, and he's going to put two parts together, but in his haste he has broken the pole in two parts. He's saying, gesticulating, that There's a

there's no problem, he can put it together.

bolt at one end and he's trying to put it into the hole of the other part but the hole is really too small and the bolt is stripped, a clear focus on this. Then the contraption seems finished, but the scene has changed; now it's like a wooden box with a sail like a little boy would make, and it has been inserted into these adds for boats in like a magazine classified section, businesses and private parties adds for boats, and I'm thinking why doesn't he just buy one of these, because he's going to take it out on the ocean like for a long voyage. My anxiety over my low grade average and how I

was going to have to get an A to keep my grade point up. over Also we were supposed to be correcting or going our test before his demo, and we didn't, but

rather the class disintegrated into a sort of lunch break. I go into this used place, a shop, like a used record or book store, and go down the stairs. At first

I'm interested in computer magazines, and I see all these boxes and wooden displays, but then at the

counter it's like an auto parts counter. guy wants a chrome panel; he describes

This first it and the I'm

counter person goes to the back and brings it out. amazed they had it but they have everything.

The guy

looks at it and it's the right part, and he starts to bend it a little at one corner joint, so that it will be right. I think I'm maybe waiting around to give my request. about this old fender, but there are some

details about shaping it. anvil, and I picture

I say I'm going to need an on it on an

someone hammering

anvil to flair out the bottom end. wants to know how much they

Then another person for the Porsche

want

carcass out in the field.

I look over and see it out The man says a

there, rusty and more or less gutted.

price which is a lot and the other person is surprised it is so much, and the man says what do you expect we have to make a profit.

It's night and it's like party time. cocoon, like maybe I don't want to be.

I'm not in a I somehow

arrive at these steps outside this building, and I sit there and I don't go in. Sandy Goldman arrives, this She

brown and gold dress very full like Mexican cloth. is very attractive thus.

I'm dejected and she tries to

console me, and I start to list the reasons why, like I'm getting older and I need to get my career going or else it will be too late, etc. She's gone. The vague

idea of a cocoon comes back or sleeping in a cubby hole or bunk. I'm Creswell. in this cinema, maybe like the one in

I'm sitting next to the curtained entry way I see a huge much like

and I lift up the curtain and look in. beautiful park, French style,

probably

Versailles, and in the early fall. beginning, making a I go in, it's Then this vague, there's teacher

Before this, in the an this is X film park asking and which for I'm is my

report. Then

fascinating.

report, and I start to go into it to give it orally in French, and I'm not really worried about it, because I know she can't speak French. I do hardly anything and

she stops me and starts deriding me saying I haven't

done

hardly

anything

and

I've

started

twisting

the

truth about what's happening or being said. for a moment to defend myself and then

I think decide it

doesn't matter. She continues and moves over to the board where she's got about three columns of words in English which she's taken from the film and translated, like a simple inventory. outside the curtain and I Then I arrive and sit down want to look in but I'm

afraid I'll get in trouble, and she starts in on me saying how I don't do anything. Dorsey. She is maybe like Ms.

Then she leaves me there and I wait; I'm about Then it's like I'm cued to like they indicate it's

ready to lift the curtain. go on ahead by

the chorus,

alright, like she's out of distance, and she has gone about some other business in the room, which is now like the lobby. The report was on this X film, and now I sit

I open the curtain and there's this huge park.

and look for a while and then I go in; then she won't find me, and she won't know I've gone in, and the rows of theater seats are replaced by the park which has sides which step down to the center area in a tiered effect, birds, trees.

I'm following this underground stream.

It is very

beautiful; it doesn't seem underground, except in the limits where I can go. There are a lot of branches and

shrubs around it, and it is like cold and misty, but I don't feel cold, and the branches aren't green but

grayish brown.

I do this cycle that I know; I follow It might even be that for some At one is

this stream around.

time it seems like I'm going around this lake. point thick; the I'm going going gets very difficult, suspended it I for a the

brush

through

it

like

through

monkey bars, through and

and in

going through the stream;

almost pass second I'm

step into

worried that it is deep and that I will get wet, and perhaps cold, but at that point it seems shallow and my foot only touches the surface. There's a doorway, and

at the same time I need to slide down through this hole, but now maybe I've gotten bigger and I won’t be able. Halfway through the hole I go through the

doorway; a narrow stairway goes up a few steps.

I'm in

this theater, like in the wings and this corridor like circumvents it, and I call someone on a telephone on the wall and tell them the situation, which is that I'm going through this little hole and I'm maybe two thirds

through

and

I'm

going

around

this

theater

following

this stream, and I have to get back to the point where I started and where I came in so I can follow it out, and now I'm worried a little because it really is

proving to be difficult, and I estimate that I'll be there till six or seven and then it will start to get dark, even though it is an underground stream, which seems lit artificially. We are going out for like the weekend or maybe longer on a camping trip, with the boat. we're going to this lake but then we don't. At first There's a

trailer; we go a long ways, and it turns out that we go to the sea shore. When we get there it's fogged in and

I'm very upset because this won't be any fun, one can't even see the water, and once I start perceiving the shore I see that there aren't any waves, and hardly any place to swim; for it's the very shallow to go and they're they these be

waterways muddy.

boats

down;

would

I'm objecting to staying here and I'm saying we

should go back to the lake, the water would be warm, etc., but they won't. This doesn't take on

consistency; they remains vague and I never really say anything but rather dream it. The fog clears more and

out there one sees that there's a channel that goes straight out to the ocean and after the reefs there's the open ocean. I can see the waves breaking out

there, the blue water and the white waves.

I say that

the boat will have to go out there each time someone wants to swim, and there won't be anything to do out there, no diving, etc., and they say that that's just the way it will have to be. Then there's some question

about my having been pulled out of school to go, and there's some question about my madness, but there's

like notes from the counselor saying each day a report and each seeming to be better. This becomes my own

experience in a suite of dreams which are each time better, firmer, like and in my each mind dream runs my grasp of reality step, is

through

each

very

quickly and almost intangibly.

I think about going out

and exploring around the water but I kind of just move around the camp area, maybe around in back of the

trailer.

I vaguely remember going over the mountain

pass with the big trailer which had some difficulty. This was vague and at the beginning of the dream.

There were people, families, in the waterways.

I'm

riding

my

bike

up

this

narrow

street,

medieval, cobblestone, and with buildings on each side like in a European city. As I go up the street gets I pass on the left a

narrower, darker and poorer.

lighted opening at the street level, which is a window, and when I get to its place and passing I see it's boarded around, up. and Finally as I'm it gets so dark that I turn small

turning,

right

there

this

naked figure runs across, probably a little naked boy about 4 to 6 years old; I just barely see some

whiteness in the dark, a sort of luminescence of life or glow of the animate or vital. I'm with my mother and we walk into this fancy office building and then into this office. to talk to this broker about my trips We're going that he's

supposed to arrange for me.

When we get to his desk

she says first there is this business and she has this bundle of stuff, sweaters to give to people for

Christmas it seems like mostly, and she says to send these to these people and she starts going through and saying where to send them. I'm surprised that this man

is going to do this as part of his work; also it seems very early in the season to be thinking about this.

I'm

surprised

she

is

giving

something

to

Bruce's

girlfriend, this sweater, brown and grey, light yarn, light colored pastel, for her to keep warm; it is very big, like it could be worn by me. I don't say anything

but then someone says something about Bruce needing a choke, or he is choking. Before all this I was

traveling, but this is very vague. I got home late at night; the house in Eugene. was very happy I was living there, but I

someone had

taken the handles of the patio doors and put them so that the doors weren't shut all of the way. the bathroom doors, and I had to get I went out through the

curtains, and then in the sheer curtains I had to mess with the handle to free up the door. Then I went to

the other doors and did it from the outside which was easier. because Inside in the living room I was very happy, at least while I was in Eugene I would be

living there, but then I thought that I really wouldn't have any occasion to be in the living room; I also thought I could open the doors and that would be nice, like I'm in the room thinking this and that we could make love on the couch, but otherwise I couldn't think of anything to do there. Maybe someone was due home or

came in at that moment like my wife.

Earlier I was

sitting outside, maybe eating, and I was stamping the earth, and mice would hide in their burrows. Then it

was big rabbits, and they would struggle to turn or to hide in them. these holes that were really too small for

And I would stamp my foot and it would try to At first the little animals and

hide; it's dark out.

then this one big white rabbit. A very old Volvo; it seems longer than it should be; I bought it to restore it maybe, and it's sitting on a little rise of hill, pointed out, but someone

stole the gas tank and maybe the fuel pump; this was when it was parked I think in the store parking lot; this was further back in the dream. party at my father's house, lots Then there was a of people. I'm

wearing warm clothes and most everyone else is just wearing shirt sleeves, and it is cold in the house but he is very comfortable, me too because of the clothes, but everyone else is cold. Mother is shaking with

nerves, and so is Harold.

Everyone is eating something

now, I don't remember what, and I had some, but it was in the garbage and I went to retrieve it but someone had already taken the garbage out. I looked out the

window and it was starting to rain, and the rain was changing to snow; someone came up, maybe mother, and said it was raining, and I said no, look, snowing.

Then I had to go out and get something from the Volvo which is not here at the house. I open its door, I

can't remember what I was going to get, but I should fix it so it won't be sitting here because I'm going to leave shortly for an extended period of time, but I won't really have time to fix it. I try to remember what is wrong with it, and remember that it was working but then someone stole those parts. Maybe I was going Then I thought

to get something out of the glove box.

I should take a long look at it and decide if it was worth restoring, some rust around the headlights,

otherwise it looked pretty solid.

Back in the house.

I'm at this large gathering, maybe in the college library, and we're all supposed to get all the

information we can about our colleagues by talking with them, and put it on fiches; I'm not doing very well because I don't want to do it. Later I'm at this party or something like it and I'm talking to this short girl; the atmosphere is dark, morose, and then it is time to go so I go get Dio and

when we're leaving we pass the other girl and I see that she's saddened in perceiving that I already have another girl. Then an alternative seems to play

itself, there are two girls and Dio is one of them, and I'm there and it's time to leave but she is not going to go with me; she is going to stay there, and I will be living in an empty house. Then maybe the fact that

a girl was interested in me played itself back across my mind, but I wasn't interested; she didn't do

anything for me anymore, like I was resolving myself to solitude. Both segments seemed to go on and on, over a

lot of area and time, very spread out, especially the first. This boy was sick, and somehow I was in his body, and then I start getting consciousness of this; first as he, waking to awareness. He was very tortured,

mentally by like his father, and so his personality went completely away. back; something I went in to try and bring him there were still elements

happened;

against him.

Then I'm lying on my back in this yard,

and I'm realizing that I'm in there too, that some of my personality is in there. A friend is there and I I can feel me

start to say to him that I'm in here.

and my way of being or mind. I'm maybe trying to get away. are going through this old

I don't say anything. Then these young people

wooden

building,

like

a

barn, which belongs to the company and which they might use, and they are going through looking at it; and now outside this gloved, leather like skinned hand, dark brown and glossy skin with a fingerless glove, is

taking a pole or stake and pushing it through the wood to get in, soundlessly, smashing through the outer wall and then the inner to get in to get to these young people. Before all of this I was working on this

motor, probably for this old pickup.

And I had taken

it out; it was there to the side of the motor housing, but it had fallen over and only the water hoses were holding it; then it was all the way in the dirt. to ask for help to get it back in the housing. starting to feel weak or sick. I had I was

I asked this person,

maybe my father, and he yelled up the yard, this slight hill, and Bruce was going to help even though he'd hurt his hand and his arm was in a sling, also maybe my brother. that They come down and my father says it's not and then I'm alone and lifting it and

heavy,

righting it.

Then I'm on the ground, coming to in this

person's alienated body.

Only Bruce seemed like it was

him in the dream; for the rest it was only after that I think that's who they must be. It was kind of dark.

There are three of us in Paris; we're on mopeds, and I'm going to take them around. going to take them down the grands We start out I'm boulevards, the

shopping street, I'm mainly thinking of the Galeries Laffayettes, completely. that isn't but the idea doesn't come together

I think I'm with one boy and a girl but clear; what is clear is riding on the

streets, which are very clear of traffic, even though it seems like mid-day. Quartier Latin; then I decide to take them to the we'll make a circuit and come

back; we'll have to finish up by 4 at the latest so we don't get caught in the rush hour. known, like in a flash. on the street towards Quickly I make this

Then very clearly we are going l'Isle de la Cité; there's a

street light over to the right, an intersection, the grand boulevard; then we go up this hill to the left, like in a very quiet residential area. walking; Then we are

there's a building with a huge esplanade, and

we're going to go around it; we go about half way and we go through this area like a gym; when we go in this

girl or figure goes out the other side.

The other side

is quite distant. This repeats again, only now like on the other side of the building. rounding in front of We come out and are the boy with me

the building;

wants to buy this wood from a sidewalk vendor, that the vendor must have got inside the building. It's like

bulky but light, paneling; it could be used for picture framing, but he's got a lot of it and it will be hard for him to manage on the moped, even more so that we've got packs now. will cost. The girl is figuring out how much it

I see the building and the esplanade out in The left

front of it, now sort of in the distance.

side of the esplanade is torn up, and we couldn't walk over it; this is now apparent for some reason; it looks almost as a tableau there. I'm thinking if we'll meet

him back at our room or if we'll all go there now; I'm thinking I would prefer the first option but I decide on the second because of propriety. Maybe at this

point I decide to go up the boulevard St. Michel and take in some cafés or one café, but this idea remains vaguely sketched. I've gone to work for this company, probably

helping with the computers, and at the same time this

friend has passed me a tape of the Patty Smith concert. I ride my bike there; when I get to the office a friend of his gives me the tape, a reel to reel, he says that there's the concert video footage and then only audio. I take it thinking I don't have a reel to reel, and then I wonder if I have the reel to reel still, and decide that I don't. I take it into this room and

start to load it on this machine, but it's not a tape machine at all, at least it doesn't work very well, and I end up practically winding it by hand. in this office where I'm going to work. Then I'm up My friend who

I'm going to work for, Jerry maybe, starts to set me up with something to do, gets busy and goes out of the room. Then I think I'll go get the tape because he It turns out it's scandalous. Down stairs the room is now

said he was interested. I have to put on a shirt.

in a security zone; I have to get on the phone to see if I can get access to it; it's like a bank, there's the counter and the vault. At first the person

recognizes me as the new employee, but then he finds out it's for the Patty Smith tape; at the same time someone asks me about it. It costs a lot, but I say

this friend passed it to me, at least I think so, I

haven't seen it yet.

On the phone the person is still

going around, decides some complications of passwords, so I can use one this time and then not again.

Meanwhile, near me people have sort of accumulated to see the outcome of everything, and maybe partly by the tape. I'm by the side of this water, like a pond or probably a stream, standing there looking at it. with someone; it feels like Dio but this is I'm never

clear.

Suddenly I notice that there's all of these

crunchy larva underfoot; I get almost panicky quickly saying let's go, let's get out of here, and in this root of this tree, dark in the depressions between the roots, in the earth are these small round black eggs. Who's with me hesitates; then I say wait a minute,

having passed my anguish and disgust, and I use the toe of my shoe and kick a few of the larva into the water. I want to see the fish eat them and think something to this effect and communicate this to the other person. We watch and I'm surprised to see some small fish come and start eating them, about 3 to 6 inches long, like trout; then the larva seem more like worms; then they seem more like fish. The fish seem transparent; one is

eating another, takes his head off; this is part of the fish eating, and we're watching, and at first I'm happy because they came and ate them, but it is escalating and imperceptibly the fish are getting bigger; then

suddenly a root that extends into the water and upon which I am standing somewhat, starts moving a bit

jerkily and my regard follows it into the water, and I see two very big fish, still like trout, like fighting over something they've got in their mouths. Again I

start to move off, almost in fright when I feel the root moving underfoot and stop and watch for a second the fish. and scene. The water is dark as is the root and dirt There is nothing else in the scene, a very

limited scenic depth, even the water doesn't have depth beyond the part close to the surface where the fish come. The larva are little round hard and black, and

then become more elongated as the dream goes on, also becoming more animated; the fish start out white and clear, gradually taking on more color as the dream goes on. This all I perceive after the dream has finished. This person had swallowed a small cat, perhaps I; I saw it and felt it as very real. were like with one outstretched Three of the paws on the end,

needle

especially a back one, poking in the inside, on the left of the stomach. It was like an emergency; trying

to get the cat out; it was still alive and moving, and it had got there by an emergency also. Finally in an

effort, rippling the stomach muscles, I reached in and grabbed it by the neck and pulled it out of the mouth, maybe mine but this isn't clear. Then we all gathered

around and it was almost like picture time, the cat wet, and we're holding its legs outstretched to the four corners up in the air and looking at it, its size, etc., like a sort of big catch; he was still alive but listless. I don't know who was with me. I

I was in this hotel room in a tropical country. had a stereo and I was listening to it.

Something Then I

about a girl, and maybe that she had left me.

step out to go get some food. The order of the events isn't clear. When I come back things have changed; it

was like an older apartment on the second floor, and now I'm going to this newer apartment on the ground floor; there's no more stereo; it's been like

repossessed.

Now I'm in this guy's hotel room, like

Irapuan, and they're on a trip, but they're due back. Then I'm in my room and the fan and the air conditioner

have disappeared, like this guy repossessed them.

It's

hot, but I can't do anything about it, even though I paid my money; now I've lost it, about $250 for the stereo or the fan system. I remember clearly starting

to eat in the upstairs apartment, and then in the hotel room. They've come back while I had stepped out, and Then

then they had taken the fan and air conditioner.

I went in when they had left and I couldn't see any stereo, nor fan, but then later she was there and she showed me the switch that she turned on and I heard the fans and then I saw that he'd mounted them in the

windows up high on the wall. tryst but it was manqué,

Maybe before there was a maybe because of the

repossessions. over the fans. I'm in

I was very upset about losing my money

the back

seat of

a car;

it seems

like

Anita's father is driving, and it seems like we start out in Salem; I think he is going to take me somewhere or we're just going on a short trip, but then he just keeps going and going. I reconcile myself to not being

able to get out of the car and going for a long ways; it seems he likes to drive. He was passing a car on

the road and I had a little apprehension, but there

weren't any cars coming.

Now we're going past Fern My regard the way

Ridge Lake; I see the water, the channels. follows the water ways out, and then maybe

opens out into the ocean. I'm in this airport waiting area. Before that I'm

going to the grocery store, the one over the hill on Pico near Century City. As I come down the hill I see

that the name has changed, a banner, a big pole on the street and at the top the motif. I pull in and see

that the name is BA which I don't know but then I see that they carry Albertson products. I find a place to

park following this L but I have to go through this clothes section to get to the groceries, like in one of those superstore complexes. Then it turns into an

airport waiting area as I'm going through the section. I remember having a bundle of socks that I want, not to buy but that I've found, and I set them on this sofa to pick up later. crowded. There are people around waiting, it's

I see this girl I recognize from the last

trip; she is sitting down in this chair, and her bag is a dark wicker basket, long and sitting between her legs or alongside her. I go to sit by her. Then I'm in

this small hotel room that is like part of the area,

integrated.

I lie down and doze off; when I wake I

think to go get the girl and bring her here to lie down with me. I get up and I see like camera stuff, things hanging off the door, things and clothes strewn around the floor and I realize that it's somebody's room. But

then I think after a moment's apprehension that if it's open then it's not my fault if I use it. girl isn't there any more. I go out; the

I 'm thinking or I thought

of where she was going, trying to remember, because it was in the same direction as me, only I was going much much further, to Brazil or to the south. I go to sit

down on this couch; all of the furniture is arranged like in a furniture store, a lot of it making tightly packed islands of ensembles everywhere. Then I decide to sit over the at same another but spot, and I see this and girl,

almost

different,

brunette

wearing

some white I think. Maybe she is telling me that her boyfriend has this old car and that he's taken the top completely off, and wouldn't it be nice to take it up into Oregon in the winter, and I think no, it would be horribly cold, and the rain falling in, but she thinks that would be fun, but she has no idea of how cold it is. The conversation isn't really real; it's like in

my head.

What seemed really real were the store, the

clothes section, then the hotel room, the girl with the wicker basket. I'm intention driving to go this older little the car. keeps I've the

somewhere;

road

getting

worse; it's dirt and it's going up hill.

The inclines

keep getting steeper, and the road narrower, round one curve just barely wide enough, and then almost straight up; I go for it but the car doesn't have enough power and it stops and slides off to the side. guys working up here, and another. There are two It's up on a

plateau.

They say the next section of the road is fine I hear cars

from here to the town; it seems Latino.

passing, indeed they are moving like on a normal road. I look across and see a deep ravine, colored sandstone walls. I look at my car and it's now on a flat area,

but like soft dirt, and it would be easy to push it out. They say they will help if I give them some food.

I think for a moment and I do have about three things; I think of them specifically but now I can't remember. I go inside my car, which is now like a little trailer, to get the food and I wash a couple of glasses for them to use. It's that I want to go see this movie, or they

convince me that I should see it, and it's in this little movie theater in the town up the road. going up these stairs in this French Then I'm apartment

building; it seems like Joëlle's building in Neuilly, older and not as kept up. haven't been here before. I knock on this door; I It's like I'm following

directions on a little note; a girl like Joëlle opens the door and invites me in. The entry is very large but the rest of the apartment is very small, nice though. Her big sister or some relative reluctantly let her stay here because it was nice and because the owner is a good woman. She just barely got the money together There's the entry and then a little

to pay the rent.

kitchen, bath, and living, sleeping room in one, which form a strip between the entry and something on the other side, a very large room or something that I never see clearly, like a theater or auditorium of which

Joëlle's apartment would be like a corridor. I'm talking to Sandy, the landlady, and a friend about renting an apartment from her in another building near there. is to study I say I want to rent a TV also, and this the language, like I was in France or

something. She says no way you can do that, and she

insists, and she says she just received a letter saying that in it, and she has this letter she's reading; her hands are shaking and the letter seems crumpled. I go

over and look at the item, read it, and I say oh no that doesn't have anything to do with a TV. What it is

telling her is to be absolutely sure to have the mother copy of the contract with the client's signature.

Somehow she had confused this.

I go on saying, of

course if they have a TV they would be happy to rent it, etc., why not? to run; I run She remains doubtful. over to near I take off about 3

clear

Western,

miles, and over by where the apartment is.

I realize I

don't know exactly where it is; I've stopped; then I start to run back. I'm happy, I think I will be

working very close to here, and that will be nice, but I have apprehensions because she still hasn't

communicated to me the apartment building or apartment number. I wonder if there is only one for rent and Now

momentarily worry that someone else might rent it. running I have a brick in each hand.

I'm thinking I'll I remember

have to talk to her about this right away.

that I have her card but then I wonder if I still have it.

I arrive in this small town on my bike, and I have to find a place to park it for the day because I'm going to take this bus. don't really I look down the main road; I first it looks like

see any place; at

parking is prohibited by signs, and then I see some spots with parking meters; it is slant in parking in front of the central park or square. Then I see that

there is parallel parking also, but I don't want to pay the meter, and I won't be able to because I won't be around; I don't seem to realize in the dream that my bike isn't a car and not subject to the same rules. I

then think that side streets wouldn't have the same restrictions. I go down the most likely one; at first

I don't see anything I could lock my bike to; then I see off to the left about a half block away another bike locked to a street sign; there's grass growing in the block, undeveloped; I think I wouldn't want my bike here exposed all day. I go back towards the center;

I'm starting to get anxious, looking at my watch; the bus is supposed to come at 7:25 maybe and it's 7:15. I'm talking to this sales girl in the drug store, cute, about where the school is; it's a branch of a main school in the larger city, like a junior college, and I

have to take a test there, and I'm asking where it is, and she starts to explain but it's taking too long. Again I start to feel antsy, look at my watch, now still about 7:15, and I think well I have enough time. She understands the place I'm looking for and she

points down this side street to this big white cement block building about a block down the way. that's it and I say thank you. She says

Then I notice that my

hand was partly in the waistband of my short, and the short was descended to the point of the pubic hairs, and there was a pinch in the fold in front; this was perceived very quickly, at first it was cute, and some other girl, like in a choral comment, suggested

something to this effect, but that was quickly followed by a short wave of anxiety. I go out; I think I will

park my bike down by the park on a parking meter; it seems the problem is resolved, and I also think I'll have time to do it before the bus comes. the girl I didn't see anyone. I'm staircase. going up this very long spiral carpeted Except for

It is very far, almost like a space voyage;

meanwhile my mother has decided to send a check ahead, and she wants me to take it with me; she catches me at

a landing; maybe there is a view window.

The amount is She has

something like $20,000, it's in the thousands.

already phoned ahead to the bank; and here I get the impression of furrow in it, the deep and I carpet and her my foot calling, making a the bank

imagine

person, answering, conferring, etc., maybe letting them know that I will be bringing it to them, like the other way around, so it's not clear where the money is going. The dream was very ethereal, very other. down to go back like something to in sleep its keeps and my I lie back gets

breathing its it,

interrupted, ascension;

flow, stopping

repetitive inserting

itself or hindering; I pause, stop breathing and wait, and then more like I'm seeing than a dream, I get the impression of my mother telling me or motioning to me that there's a strain of Latin in our blood, which we never knew. I'm going to this dance class in this town; I get out late, maybe I'm going on my bike. When I arrive it

is taking place in this gym and they are sitting around like cross-legged in yoga style, and the teacher, a man with a very ballet look, is also sitting. that it is to work on their posture. I understand

I know a couple

of

people

from

way

back

in

high

school,

guys

you

wouldn't even imagine would take ballet.

Then they all About

get up, and we're going to run across the floor.

half of us go to one corner and from way off in the distance comes running this girl towards us; as she gets closer I see her better, she comes running

normally, and then starts zigzagging, nothing balletic; and I'm just supposed to run the other way when she gets to me, no jetés or nothing fancy, just run. I run

normally, and about half-way I sort of start to drag one leg, almost like skipping, and he makes some sort of comment like, see he needs to work on it. walking back. Our group

Then a friend and I are sitting in this

restaurant; it seems like we were here earlier in the evening but I can't remember, and then we were in other places, and now we're back here. I remember we were

walking in this one fancy restaurant and he took the top off this feuilletée that a person was eating,

without the person perceiving, the part with the cream and the frosting, and when the person would turn around I thought he would be sad because the person that was with me took the best part. this narrow restaurant, cheap. Then we are sitting in He is eating a sort of

sweet egg pie, like a soufflé or a custard, very yellow and firm; there are lots of little red specks, and I tell him it's cinnamon and he wonders how I could know, and I tell him I know how to cook. this little booth. We are sitting in

There's a narrow walkway and then a

counter for people to sit at, which is covered with all kinds of dishes, etc., completely a mess; also the

floor is a mess in the narrow walkway.

I perceive on

the counter a stack of little containers of spices and I think to get cinnamon to show my friend what it

smells like exactly so he'll know, but first I can't get to it, and then it's not in the pile. Back at the

table this delivery person arrives with something for me, these woven mats that my home town has sent me; on the edge they say congratulations, or how proud they are of me, because I'm going to graduate from my

college program.

There's three of them, all different,

about 2 by 3 feet; they're from the bank; I could put them on a table, for example, I'm thinking, but I

wouldn't be able to hide the message and that would be kind of gauche. I vaguely remember lying down in the walkway of this café, like earlier in the evening, and it was really crowded down there; also before the dance

I think I was visiting my father. I was leaving at 5 till 6 to go, so I knew I would be late, and vaguely it seems like I was going to go to one studio, but the class had been canceled so I went to that other one. I

don't know who was with me in the restaurant, a friend, kind of like a bum. I've got on this bus; it seems like the third world, South America; someone was supposed to pick me up but it didn't work. on the bus, all women, There aren't very many people and there aren't very many

seats, lots of empty space.

The bus goes a long ways

and gradually I realize I'm naked, and also become more at ease with it; it is making a circuit, and now I see that after all this trajectory I'm going back to where it started, and actually I'm going to have to take

another bus to go where I need to go.

I think about

covering myself, but I don't see any clothes, or rags, only some newspapers, or I think that would work but I really don't see any. There's a girl lying on the

floor; I don't think this is strange; and a girl to the right in the back on a long bench seat. I sit at the other end, forming an L with the two girls, who both look at me nicely; they like my body, and are not at

all scandalized, they are taking it in; for a moment I feel at ease and lean back and stretch out my legs, but I'm worried that at the bus stop I'll have to get off and that will be something else. Then the scene

changes and this director is explaining to a Greyhound bus driver something do about what I would happen if he

neglected

to

something,

don't

remember

exactly

what, he points to the map and says imagine you're up here, and I see the west coast, Washington; it must be close to Tacoma; let's say your bus is completely full, and the director's aid adds, it's like vacation and there's not an empty seat on the bus, you can imagine the gravity of the affair. I think there's something

to do with a hypothetical problem, like snow. I'm staying in this hotel on this lake, a

waterfront room; I'm with two other guys and we've got this deal, like money we've made and how we're going to pay for the room, but then they split with the money; it seems like it's in Mexico. I go out on the freeway;

it seems like I have the idea to look for a phone; I'm going to have to call home for money, to pay for the hotel; in fact I've left there completely because I won't be able to pay anymore. On the freeway I come to

an intersection which is important, I pass two kinds of gas stations but neither is the one I want. I remember

passing the one I want, and so I'll have to circle back around on this cycle. I need gas and it's running out;

also I was going to call home from there, at the T in the freeway, and I can vaguely remember seeing the gas station's signs. store. Then I'm pulling into this grocery

I go in; the meat cutter is there, in like this I'm supposed to meet with mother; I'm her the details about why I need the

coffee shop. explaining to

money, how I had lots but then I got ripped off, but then it starts seeming to me like I'm going to need too much. Then there's this train, stationary, the train Over on the other

tracks; maybe I'm working around it.

side of the train I hear my brother talking, saying if it was his affair or something like that, and the gist of the thing blaming me for the bad financial state of the family. arguing. I'm supposed to help clean up this garage, this one wall with shelves, maybe so I can dance. things around according to a certain I move like I go around the end of the train; we start

logic,

putting things in order, but then when I've finished it

turns out that I've invalidated my exit. the wall I didn't realize that there was

Working on a floor,

because I had come in from the top through a narrow opening, but then when I rearranged things I covered up the opening, and I also put containers where I would have foot holds. The woman puts her head in the

opening and says that's good I can join them or come up or something to that effect. But now I see that I

can't; then I start looking around and I see that I'm in this garage. On the other side I see this long then I

ladder but it won't work, it's falling apart;

see a medium ladder propped up against the exact wall where I'm working; I will climb up it to get out. I'm in this dark tropical fleuve. there are gravel beds like Fall Creek. It is rocky and At first one

doesn't want to go into the water because of what might be in there. in the wild. There's a group of us living there, like There's boards across the water that one I

can walk on or sit on; I sit on one for a while.

wonder if one can go swimming; I don't see anyone doing it, and I think that they must have a place to bathe at least. To stand up I pass my legs through the water,

some dead insects on the surface, kind of muddy, the

faint

impression

of

large

dark

shadowy

figures

underneath the surface, dark, deep, trees, boulders and gravel. more It's The time is going into evening but there's not in fact I'm I'm not molested around, me by and there, insects. I keep and I

insects, still into

light; people

walking are

running

that

with

decide that I should look for a place where I can be like alone, like that I can call my corner. I notice

that the water level has changed, and I move sort of around this bend, this gravel bed; in this one spot there's all of these cigarette butts, like where a

whirlpool had been; it's like the water will come back the next day, cyclical. I find this place against this huge boulder, a gravel bed where I could stay. I

realize that all this time I've been naked; the insects haven't bothered me, the temperature is comfortable. I

move off and maybe a little further up stream, thinking maybe I should look for some sort of shelter. with Gail. I meet

I'm looking into this sort of cut out box,

like a doll house, and I see a living room arrangement; in one corner I see this old easy chair, and I'm

thinking I could sit there; there's like a dining room table and chairs on one side of the room and on the

other table.

these

easy

chairs

around

a

low

round

coffee

I move one of the chairs back further into the Then I am sitting in the chair and it has I'm sort of talking to

back corner.

taken on human proportions.

Gail; there's these two like puppets, a boy and a girl that are in this basket, and they are bolted together by the sleeve and there's something about how I will move them out from between us, and she like gives me the impression that that's no problem, that they've

been there a long time. Dio and I are lying naked next to this low bridge, like a narrow passageway, just like we were in bed but here. This girl, we've been looking for her, like

alien, comes gradually out from beneath the bridge on my side, naked also, and crawls up on top of me; this is very erotic, hot. Dio gets mad. She's there for a while and then

The girl sits up on me and twists around

and kisses Dio who is now sitting up against a wall. I'm staying in this room, maybe in Brazil. I'm

writing; this young boy comes to stay with me; he has left this small notebook there and I look at it; it has notes that he's taking. The bed has been moved or

something; it's not around; there isn't any furniture.

I'm lying on the floor; he comes in from the hallway; we're talking about English writing, which seems very exact, precise. Then I'm in this parked car up this I get out of

hill in a residential section of a town.

the car and start walking down the hill; I think I'm barefoot. The people out in the street are looking at Then

me, noticing me almost like I was a foreigner.

I'm home and I've decided to go out for the evening, and to stay out until I get a pickup. over very well in the atmosphere. bored; I remember when I was out This doesn't go

I think I will be with Gary and it

seemed like I got noticed more, this girl thought I was his boss or employee or something. this apartment, like to go out, Then I'm leaving I say to this Then

and

friend to come by and see me when he comes in. I'm in this apartment and he comes in.

He goes down

the hall to his apartment and I'm following him; he's tall and reminds me of the tall guy who married the Mexican girl. In the entry way all the furniture is

Chinese, two china hutches against the wall and a large high table out on the floor, black lacquered finish, the same grayish carpet with a low nap as in the other apartments. I mention that it seems like they've moved

things around, and I could remember how it was but now I can't. I follow the guy on down the hall towards the

living room; as I'm going this girl comes into view from further down the hall, like his wife, and it looks like she's starting to show signs of being pregnant, fairish skin, thin auburn hair, medium height, sort of thin. Then I and this guy go off to the right of the I

entry into this other room, like a bedroom or study.

look in in the dark and I see this shape in the middle of the room, and it looks like a white Christmas tree, which I think is a little strange. I ask if we can

turn on the light, and we turn it on; there's this powdery white tree with tinsel. it closer; I walk over to look at

I brush it and it wobbles; I have to pull a

couple of pieces of tinsel off of me. I'm driving with a girl; we're going out like east of town and following this river. It's raining, it's We come

like the Mckenzie River, it's very beautiful.

back to town, but then we don't have anything to do, and since the drive was so nice we do it again. This

time the road is clearer, the river to the right, the trees, that one sees through the misty rain; almost at the end of the drive I get tired of driving and I want

to stop; down below I see a nice part of the river, smoother and shallower, a place to sit on the bank, etc. over The car just takes off from the road and goes out the river, sort of skims some feet above the At

water, like

carrying on

from its

own momentum.

first I almost panic but then I perceive that there's no problem, except that running out of momentum we

reach the other bank, and I'm sort of concerned about finding a spot to stop where there's a flat area where we can start out again and get momentum. The car makes

it to the bank but not up to the flat grassy area; the girl, maybe Dio, gets out and drags the car up the bank as if it were a toy, and then I get out and help

pushing. I was floating in this channel, maybe fifty yards from the shore, and I'm thinking whether I want to swim directly to the shore or go down stream towards the point of the shore, after which there is the open sea. I let myself go in the current and start swimming. current surprises me by its strength. toward the shore, fir trees. The

I start swimming

I will grab the last root

at the very point of the shore, and then maybe I miss it. I come to this cement barrier, like a harbor, very

deep, and it's like I have to decide if I want to go around or stop there. I decide to go around; this is

sort of against the grain, as was the last decision; I'm going for the hard part. Then there's like a house This man makes

floating, which I aboard from one side.

it understood that I can't come on and look around; it's like a house that has been flooded, like taped off as a disaster the area. house; Then I swim a a second, and having then I

forgotten

there's

blank,

realize that I'm there again only now at the back side. Now I get the impression that the whole affair was a fascist operation. I hoist myself up on the flooring.

I remember vaguely a small room, maybe a refrigerator, that has been taped off, cordoned off. I'm with Leona. in her apartment. She's wearing a sweater. We're

She is busy doing something, like

cooking; I go to her and put my arm around her waist, it is fuller than I would have thought, partly because of the sweater but also maturity. We're against this

doorway; she is still doing something, and now my arm has moved up to encircle her breasts; she moves her body more against me, she is accepting me. talking with this girl in her apartment. Then I'm

I'm sitting.

She's wearing this walkman headset.

There is really

loud rock music; at first I think it is hers but then I realize that she sort of shares the apartment, like the kitchen and hallway with another group, and the guy in that part listens to loud music, but she isn't bothered by it because an of the in walkman. the I see them I'm eating of Then

through

opening

kitchen.

sort

flirting with this girl.

She has a small child.

the others are gone and she is preparing some cereal or something; she goes to their refrigerator to get some milk because she ran out. She seems to look out the

kitchen window to assure herself that they have really left. old, Then this young boy, maybe about three years brings me a bowl with a little cereal in the

bottom, no milk; at first I say no I don't want it, I say I've already eaten; he seems a little disappointed; the girl says it's alright. The cereal just covers the Someone

bottom of a flat bottomed brown plastic bowl.

puts a little milk in it; I take a bite, it has a taste of prunes and dates, it's okay. She is washing

clothes; now she is drying them. parking lot of the apartment,

Then I'm out in the like I got tired of

waiting for her to give me some attention.

I'm kind of

hanging around the cars. here but it isn't clear. the right side, and

There are maybe some boys out I can see my own apartment on on the left, the kitchen

hers

window of mine.

She comes out of her apartment, the

door is around the corner and out of sight on the other side, with the little boy and a friend of hers, a girl; she has on the walkman again. They walk by me going to I don't

the car, and we sort of nod at each other.

make too much of it in case my girl is looking out of the kitchen window. I had killed a man and we had to cover up; we had to make a story up; he was threatening my brothers and sisters. This was elaborate but now I can't remember.

Before that there was this bank and water down below, brush on the bank; maybe there was something in the water; my brother went in to get it, or he fell in, and then I went down along the bank to fish him out; maybe that's it. Then I'm walking along this cement alleyway which goes along the backside of these apartments.

They are like luxury units but they are all the same, and they are low, with the idea of being in the flats, and they don't have any privacy. It is like Sunday

morning and the sun is coming out.

It reminds me of

the Valley River Hotel on the river, but now there's no river and the units are in a depression or a little valley. Each unit's bedroom has its sliding glass door

open, but the occupants are fixing breakfast or taking showers and aren't visible. I walk by one that has

large speakers and is playing music and the then the last one that is quiet and seems to have privacy even though it is in the same situation; the two double beds are unmade, but the room is still not hit by the

sunlight.

The man either kept coming back or I or we My

were worried that he would be able to come back.

family was helping me cover up, and when I went to my parents was when the story became less feasible and more contrived, and when it looked like I had actually killed someone unfairly, but they were still going to help with the story. I'm in this dance class and we’re supposed to have a test but the teacher is late. Then a teacher comes, There are two

maybe it's Alex but he isn't my teacher.

large adjoining rooms, and he starts setting up in the other room. other room. I'm waiting for Cecile; I go into the He says or I think he says because I

really never converse with him, that Cecile isn't any

good. just a

I reflect on this for a moment and say it is matter of style. Then I go to sit down.

There's a crescent of people sitting and in the middle a girl on a chair; I'm going to sit on her lap, but then I think she gets up. Then there's a blank, and

then I've done the first question and so I go out on the grounds to take a break. I walk, but then I go I get to like this

quite a ways, maybe even run a bit.

entry way to the grounds, now like a big fair grounds. I pass this guy and girl and look at the girl. Then I

see this guy I recognize; he plays in a local rock band. Then I think it's time to go back and realize I start to run around the

that I've gone way too far.

other way to the right, to like get there from the other direction, but then realize that it's gated, or think it might be and start to go back the way I had come. Then I'm at home; I go into my bedroom to go to

bed and mother has made my bed, but the bed is too far out from the wall, and when I start to move it back it's about two feet away. I see pillows and the

bedspread down on the floor between the bed and wall. At this point I get the feeling that she comes into the room and we discuss this for a second and then I go on,

like we agreed that I should fix it; then it is like two single mattresses side by side on the floor, and when I take off the bed clothes there are two towels one covering each mattress, old brown towels, maybe to make them softer, maybe to protect them, and there was some other stuff over them that I remember taking off before I got to the towels and it was all going into the washer. It seems like maybe I'm out of work. Jeff is my

neighbor and I run into him, or maybe at first I run into Sheri; he drinks a lot and during the day; she wants me to go see him, maybe just to say hi, this first part isn't clear, but then I go see him and in his apartment it is like a dressing room, and his face is painted like a clown, and he's already a little

drunk and he's sitting at his dressing table sort of with his head down sadly. When I arrive he gets up and

insists on giving me this paint, to paint the apartment where I live, and this seems to refer back to a point before the beginning where I'm supposed to paint the apartment. The paint is very beautiful it seems to me He gives

at the time, white with blue and red specks.

me a paintbrush, but he only gives me a little paint,

like just to do the kitchen, but even then I'm a little concerned that there won't be enough. Now instead of going to work he goes out with me; we're walking down the sidewalk and he's lost the clown's paint; we pass a movie house. they have Then we're sitting on this bench like streets, and now maybe Sheri is I

on Paris

there and I.

I don't know if Jeff is still there.

realize that the paint is in my pocket or I remember it and I get up and say I need to go do it; the paint was just loose in there and I was worried about it soaking through and out. The apartment is on like about the I get up to the door but I

fifth floor, right there. don't have the key.

There's two doors side by side and

I manage to get one open a little, about six inches, maybe a chain is holding it; then I reach in and start twisting the kwik lock, the hand part, but it is

difficult, and doesn't unlock like one would think it would but rather is unscrewing a nut of a bolt like a wing nut would, only it is tight and the bolt is

slipping in the hole so that one has to make more turns with the nut to actually get it to go ahead. While I'm

doing this I'm thinking I can maybe yell down to the street from the kitchen window once I get into the

apartment but I'm not sure because the noise in the street might cover up my voice. Maybe Dio is down I get

there, maybe Sheri, maybe Jeff is still there.

the door open; I'm still thinking about whether the paint will cover; I look quickly at all the surface; I think in a flash if he's not working then I can get some more. perhaps As I get the door open and step in, and it seems like a hose starts

retroactively,

squirting water into the apartment from the doorway, almost like a fire hose; the water is very clear to me, so was the bolt, the clown face and the paint. I'm following this road to see if it will make it all the way to my destination, to see if I can use a car; it's like I'm flying at the height of a car over the road, incorporeal. At first the road is normal,

then it starts narrowing, then it is completely made of dirt, then there starts to be water here and there

along the sides, sort of like puddles, but the road just sort of swings out to allow for them, like the traffic has moved the track, but the tracks get deeper and so does the water, especially to the left, and on the other side of the water there seems to be a barrier of brush, maybe a hillside that goes up, but that is

unclear; to the right is always clear, maybe there is a shallow lake. The water keeps getting deeper on the There's a chain

left, the ruts are getting deeper.

along the road for some distance, a light chain like a dog chain, just laying there; the water still deeper. Then there is water on the right also. The ground is

muddy; the ruts are now too deep for a car to pass. Walking, there is now a wall on the left, like rock solid, and which goes up to a ceiling, like in a cave. Now I'm with this thin white haired English man; we are looking at the situation, we are almost at the end of the route, that is I know if we can get through this; the town or the destination is just right there. It's

like the way has been covered up; on the right there's a gate which opens with difficulty because of the earth fallen down in the path of its swing. Then one follows

around climbing up a slight incline to the left, and then there are some broken down white cement steps, and then one will have to work one's way back to the right again, but there's no more head room. It's at first like a big dark cave that one could go up following this trail, but now it seems all blocked off. Before

this all I was teaching this class with the regular

teacher; discipline

I

was

student they

teaching; wouldn't

I sit

was down

having and do

problems,

their work; the teacher was like working on grades and it was my problem anyway, except that they listened to her and not to me. Finally she came back or made her Then she was

presence felt, and they settled down.

gone again, they were back messing around; one boy took off his pants in the front of the class, completely naked, a lot of confusion; they wouldn't listen to me because I wasn't the regular teacher. Then she comes I want to

back but she is very slow to get order.

write up the boy and I ask her what is his name, and I ask her again because she doesn't tell me in the

confusion; maybe she is looking for the seating charts; the students start to get rowdy again, but now it isn't my problem. The room is a big area; I don't notice the Then I'm

walls, big tables like in a science lab.

going out, I'm going to do a French class now which has just been assigned to me; I didn't know about it and then suddenly I know and I'm going there. It's on the

same campus; I tell the teacher that's where I'm going; I'm somewhat elated. Then I start following the road;

maybe there was a Volkswagen but I don't remember it clearly. At first it seems like I'm going to go to the bathroom; maybe I'm at work. The toilet is like the

one in the basement of the apartment building on the rue Voltaire in Paris, an old cement cubicle. I find a

roll of paper, but it is really a roll of old cloth, a very coarse weave like one uses to clean floors; I Then

unroll it; it is not as dirty as I would expect.

I have this drawer and I've pulled it about half way out. There are all these little bottles of paints like

model paints, and I'm sorting them and lining them up. I remember that on the right there was a line of shades of orange and then the next line was yellows, but the drawer was old and almost falling apart, and I need to readjust the back parts so I sort of take it out of its hole. putting At least so I can get to the back. these little round bottles in the Then I'm far back

behind the paint bottles, which seem narrower, with a rectangular drugs. clear shape; maybe there is something about

Then the back of the drawer is broken; it's plastic and it is loose and I try to better

arrange it, but it won't reach all the way from one

side of the drawer to the other so I have to be content to try and anchor it in the left side slot and in the bottom; lots of little bottles, about ten deep in each roll. Before this there was a big building and I think

I was at work but I can't remember. We have just moved into this apartment. It's on

the beach and has an ocean view except that it is high up, like the third floor. At first we only have the

curtains open a little, and I see the ocean out there in the distance but the waves are small, but then I perceive way out in the ocean that the waves are

bigger, huge, but it is way out there and just barely visible. Then the curtains are open further; I am

liking the apartment, because I can sit and look out at the ocean, and I'm thinking I could do this even at night. Now the waves are closer and even bigger; the The sea is becoming totally I say it

curtain is opened more.

turbulent, like a tub that one has agitated.

looks like it is going to wash out the whole building, and I realize that that is going to be the end of us; we would be absorbed in the total collapse of the

building.

This upsets whoever I've been talking to, Then I think it

probably Dio, but this isn't clear.

will be alright because it has been alright for years already. I'm coming back from Seven-Eleven; it's like I'm crossing Olympic Avenue, except now the road has been chopped up, with huge chunks of asphalt on each side, like huge jagged asphalt boulders. one lane to go by. I have Now there is only and a black

on sweats

polyester pant.

I notice because there is now a lot of

water and I have to pick my way along the chunks of asphalt being careful not to get into or fall into the water because it is deep like a flood, like the road

has become a swollen river, and the pants would absorb it and pull me down; but then the cars coming don't want to wait. At another time I've gotten into this

person's car, and we're going to follow this group; it's a group of cars and they have gone on to the freeway like from Creswell, and we're going to follow them; I don't know why. I am sitting down in the back,

the window knob, the seat are very real, and looking out the back side window. I'm in this city or village. third world, has maybe broken Latin, out, maybe or It's like in the an island. sort of A civil

revolution

some

turmoil.

For some reason I need to go to this bigger I walk.

city like the capital about eight miles away.

Before that maybe I was on this ferry, and I had to arrange my suitcase. I had my stuff in this duffle

bag, and then I needed to put some of it in this old suitcase; it was empty, and there were some holes

drilled in the side of it, maybe about three, about an inch in diameter, maybe air holes; it was very old, wooden, discolored, and I had to take some stuff out of the bag and put it in the suitcase, like before or after customs. I find the small suitcase after looking This

for a while, and then I go to look for the bag.

person like a porter tells me the suitcase isn't safe, that someone might steal it, it not having a lock; I say why would they want to steal the poorest looking suitcase in the lot, which besides won't have anything in it but some clothes. or pack. On the way then Then I'm on the road, no bag there there like a is is this like part this where a

sidewalk temporary

starts;

little are

community,

circus;

people

starting to get ready to go to sleep, like arranging their sleeping think it is bags and stuff in and I the rooms; say to also I how

very

crowded,

myself

promiscuous it is as I'm leaving.

Then I'm in the city

which has been like closed down for the holiday, like a special occasion; it's about six o'clock. I come upon the place of the authorities but they aren't there, and I need to resolve this affair. I see a big restaurant, but I go on and on the left I think it is closed.

Anyway on the other side of the street there are these tables set out; no other buildings around and it looks like there will be something like a banquet, big

auditorium tables covered with white cloth or paper. There is a small group seated at one table; as I go towards it it seems like they resemble the waiters and staff, four or five people; there are two girls, and I start to ask them questions about the authorities and they say they will be there shortly. One girl says

something in French, like to herself or to the other girl, and I start speaking French with them. It's like

they don't notice for a moment that I'm even speaking it with them. I need to take care of this business and

I want to go back to this village where I was, and I'm thinking I'll even walk in the dead of night going back on the road if I have to. I picture it to myself, no

traffic, and I think for a moment with apprehension

that a government vehicle might come along and want to pick me up, no luggage, if I get completely tired I'll just have to lie down I think. I'm with this girl; she seems a lot like Dio. has on a small spandex tube top that just She

covers

loosely her breasts and a small loose short.

She comes

over to me and we're kissing or just hugging, like I'm sitting and she's standing. My hand is near to the

opening at the bottom of the short, and it moves up so it is touching her sex. I feel a little apprehension;

she doesn't stop me; I start rubbing very slowly and softly; she doesn't stop me. I'm living in this very little house; it's only about 20' by 20'; it is like on the outskirts of town; I get the feeling it is simple and bucolic; I see it from the outside; it has quite a few windows. Then

they are building something like a shopping center in front, but then between it and the center they are

building apartments.

It's like I arrive there and I

see that all this excavation has been done; the wooden framework is already up for this very large building which comes to only a few feet of the little house, so that the little house will be behind it and hidden.

The framework is very clear, the outside walls and the roof girders are already in place, the new white wood, the shiny bolts and nails; it will be elevated up above the terrain, and they've already set up some makeshift steps to what will be the floor level, and I see this like string or line marking off what it will be; and there's the track in the dirt where vehicles come and go. I think well I can still stay there, but there

will be all the noise of construction, the hammering, and I think of how much there will be. Bruce seems to

be vaguely present; this is maybe like the little house he was living in on the outskirts of Eugene; for a moment it almost seems like we’re commiserating. there's a blank. Then

Then maybe I'm coming home to this

apartment in this old wooden building, whitewashed, in a little town. I had a rabbit, but now I have this

little dog, but then for some reason I've tied him up in the back doorway of the apartment building, hanging down in the doorway by one back paw; first it was the rabbit and now this little whitish dog. It's like the

end of the day and he seems dead, but then there's a blank, maybe the next day, and I notice a little life in its eyes, the rest of the body is listless; the

foreleg part of the leg has fallen off like a brokenoff cookie, the look and texture is exactly that; I stop and untie the cord, there are three knots; and then the dog is in a pile on the floor. At first it seems like there's something to do with my aunt, to like do to I go an visit her, maybe there's I'm I'm

something telling

with

obituary; this is

then

maybe Then

this

father;

vague.

walking in the woods, like a high forest; there's a river, quite a lot of brambles; I want to cross the river and I'm looking for a path through the brush. I

see one, and pass it up for maybe one better, which I come upon; it's a clear well beaten path; I veer left to follow it; the river is maybe fifty yards to the left when I come out, it is rather rushing. Then I'm

in the water and there are all these people, floating on logs and going by; I am surprised that the water is warm and not cold like I sort of thought it was going to be; that is part of the reason why it's so crowded. I'm swimming; there's this one group like a group of boy scouts or something, and I'm like saying hi to the leader; he's on a log and I'm swimming, and I have to move around to avoid the logs, only he's going the

other way from me, like he and almost everyone else are going where I'm coming from. Then I'm in this room in Now

this small town, now ostensibly on the other side.

I want a ticket to go to the other side, maybe to give it legitimacy, maybe to avoid the confusions. I take

these two tickets like little theater tickets that come on a roll, that are still joined together, and put them into this little machine, plastic covered, about six inches wide and a foot long; the tickets make this

loop, first one is read on the one side; they go to the back of the machine make a U and come back, like

following this slot, and on the way back the other is read; this allows me to take my ticket which comes out more or less in the middle of the machine. I have to

stick my hand inside the plastic cover and out of this slot comes a plastic disk about the size that come for birth control pills. Then on the street, across the

street I see the leader go by, the vague presence of his group, and I like wave or somehow acknowledge his presence; I might show him my disk to show him that I'm going back legitimately. but not really. Then I'm on the other side

I'm talking to Sandy Goldman and I'm

saying I need this thing, maybe a map, maybe in fact

the

tickets

that

I

will

have

already

used

retroactively, and I've come to visit her and get this thing so that I cross back over, but I'm really not here because I still haven't crossed back; this I sort of make understood to her in sous-entendus, under one's breath. Then the scene changes and I'm looking for

this address, about 5000, on the road one block south of 3rd, out towards La Cienega; each block is like the page of a book; I notice the analogy now; in the dream it was like I would go a couple of blocks, and by watching the numbers, and then I would turn a couple of pages; maybe there was something to do with the little round plastic disk. There was also something to do

with the prodigy service, like each page was an area of their service, and so I was also passing very quickly through this, virtually instantaneous, like each block I was only glancing at the number as I flew by; it doesn't seem like I was looking for anything with any urgency now. I'm going to go see this movie like for something to do. I have to take this spiral road up this

mountain about a mile long. I walk up the mountain; in the lobby of the cinema I see that there are three

films, they're like for kids, not very mature films; it's like I have to decide between two, and then

there's the main feature. break and I'm at the

Then it seems to be the counter; there's a

concession

bunch of high school girls.

Then I'm going back down

the hill, and I get almost all the way back, and I remember that I didn't see the feature. I hesitate and

then I turn around and start to go back; I go a ways and then I start running. In another part I'm in this

small town, maybe like Creswell, and I'm on my bike; I'm waiting for this friend or I'm meeting him. comes; we're going on our bikes for quite He some

distance, like ten miles or more.

Then we're going to

leave our bikes and go on this field trip or something, at any rate we'll be out most of the day, but it looks like it might rain; my coat is cloth and I realize that I'm almost cold, and that if it rains I will get cold for sure. I make my preoccupations known but he lets me know not to worry, because we could take my car, but that would be boring. He has ridden about a block I don't actually yell

ahead already as I've hesitated.

but it almost seems like it, to make it known to him to wait up, which he seems to do. Before this during the

night this cycle repeated itself a couple of times but I don't remember now what it was; I would wake, go back to sleep, and then wake, and it seemed like the same dream was still cycling, just a few images set up in a linear fashion, and never interesting enough to record. Dio and I are making love; we're on our third time in a row; I vaguely remember the other two; now the third we're on this bed; the bedroom door is on the right; for a second I think one of my parents could come in but then I think they should know better or I could just roll over or something. First I think she's

on top of me, and then she moves to the opposite side of the bed, sitting on her knees, suggestively or

lewdly leaning from side to side.

Before that I was on

this property; I was going there because I wanted to talk to the owner about something, like he was my

landlord or something.

I go to this machine barn, like

of a farm; it's on the incline of the side of a hill maybe about half-way. There's a dog, a little gate in

the doorway of the building; the dog isn't too mean or big, but he's a nuisance; I get acquainted with him so he won't give me problems; then I realize that I'll need to go up to the house, a little up the hill. I

start to close this gate so the dog won't bother me or get out, but it won't stop him; then I perceive the bottom half of the gate that was swung wide and I take it and close it. On approaching the house I'm thinking I think

if anyone is home because it's a work day.

someone must be there; for a second I picture myself talking to him or I remember talking to him, and he is saying no problem since I'm a tenant to come to him anytime. Then maybe I think his wife will be home. I

hesitate for a second; then there's a blank; then I'm with Dio. I'm about ready to leave on my bike; it seems like I have a couple of errands to do; I'm concerned because I had my wristwatch fixed and the guy charged 110

dollars, for a cheap plastic wristwatch. sort of there.

A person is

At first I was in an apartment, maybe

mine, but I didn't recognize it, maybe in the kitchen; a dialogue, and I ask what they think, he or she

hesitates a moment and then is saying that it seems like too much to them. Then I show the watch and they

say, yes definitely there must have been a mistake; it should have only been 10 dollars, so I decide to take it with me and talk to the person and see what the deal

was.

I'm on Franklin;

I get to the top of this hill;

it feels like Eugene out Franklin, but it's really no definite place; I ride down through this little valley and then go up this hill, and then I realize that I don't have to go here to take care of my business. Then I'm going back down the hill, like S curves; the bike is different, older, with the handle bars down; the brakes don't work very well. It seems like a left

handed bike, and that I'm used to a right handed bike, even though there really isn't any such difference. I

have the brakes on full and it is still going too fast for me; going around this corner I have me left leg outstretched and dragging on the pavement to balance and help slow me down; I get to the bottom of the curve with a little feeling of relief. Now I'm going to the

next place on my errands; I wasn't upset that I had gone there for no reason. I come into this class; it's math, it's my first day there but I think the class has been going. to take the class for a math credit. a seat back to the left; the I have

I'm early, I take students come.

other

There's some rearrangement of the chairs, we bring some desks from the other side of the room and make another

row.

I notice the young man sitting next to me, the I'm apprehensive because I haven't We take out our homework; he

teacher is there;

had a math class in ages.

starts to discuss this problem; we're all taking notes; I'm 427, taking and I this notation, that this formula, a be lot pcx.pc, of and

realize I

there's will

computer than I

notation,

and

think

this

easier

thought; at the same time a student comes by and picks up one of our papers. Then I realize that I'm actually

sitting very close to the teacher, on his left I'm the closest student; he notices me there during the

lecture; he notices that my attention is not exactly fixed; I have this skull on my desk, that I lift up a little and am looking at, perhaps grayish or brownish, leatherish, very well preserved, probably bought in an expensive shop; my fingers holding it with the eye

holes, spinning it around a little, still aware of the teacher and the student to my left. I was thinking

after the dream that the number was 486, the size of a certain computer, but I had written 427, the size of the old big Chevy power engine, when I thought it was the computer.

Dio

and

I

are

coming

back

from

it

seems

like

Mexico and we're near the border of Mexico and Texas; we've already crossed the border; at first it seems like we're walking; at first I don't notice that Dio is with me. I come into this village on this winding

road, maybe there was a lake, and then coming out of the village Dio is with me. right. The road winds up to the

I'm a little apprehensive at first that there's

water in the road, a strip along the shaded left side where the mountain goes up, but then I see that it's only a spot where they had put in some new pavement, a patch. Then I'm flying over this lake area, beautiful,

extraordinary, sharp rocky hills with patches of very green vegetation, and these lakes and rivers. I swim

down this one channel, then fly over these rocks; I stop for a second on the top of this rocky place and look out over the area. I want to remember where I'm

at because it's so beautiful, like next vacation we could come back here; the problem is I don't know

exactly where we're at.

I take off again from this

cliff, flying down towards the water and then going off a little to the left; then I sort of hesitate to wait for Dio, and I see her wading into the water from

before the promontory where I'd been, her black sheer dress comes up around her waist as the water gets

deeper.

Then I realize that she can't swim or fly and

I look around to see if there would be some way for her to keep going; a little over to the left I see what looks like a house and maybe their yard, and then maybe a road on the other side, mostly hidden in the

vegetation, I don't know if it will go anywhere or not, but just about then I think we'll try it and I wake up. Before this there was this sequence in a bathroom, like maybe I'd left the classroom where I was in the last dream and now I'm in the bathroom; then the toilet has plugged; I flush, the water comes up; this person,

maybe from the class, is coming in or someone might come in. I go to the sink; then I see that the sink

has a big drain hole like a toilet and it starts to back up like it was plugged, like it's a dual purpose toilet sink. It is filling up with water; I want to

wash my hands, I look around for soap and only see these dirty looking little pieces, and then I see this dirty little squeeze bottle about 4 inches high, I

whitish, with maybe a little light blue or red top.

put a little soap on my hands; now I have to hurry

because the water's rising to the edge of the sink, and it's that dirty water too. of like this this mansion, wall; I Then I'm out in this yard verdant, to take a rich leak, grounds; I look

very want

there's

around; up the hill there's a house and some people out sitting and talking on a patio like on a nice

afternoon.

The vegetation almost blocks the view, but

not enough I think; then on the other side I don't remember seeing anything, but it won't work, so I

decide to keep very close to the wall, and if they see it will be their problem, like for not having adequate effectives. I'm in this car with mother and father; we're on an outing up this dirt road, it's time to go back, it was almost like a Sunday picnic. Maybe Harold is

driving; there starts to be water across the road, and it gets to be more and more; then we stop; I'm outside the car on the side of the road while Harold is fixing something; I'm sort of balancing on these grassy clods, sort of going squish squish on them, the water is about six inches deep around; there is a full ditch of water right in front of my feet on the side of the road. Harold has finished, Janet is going to drive; we get

in; maybe I'm in the front seat.

Now the water is all

the way up to the doorways; I'm a little surprised for a second that she's going to drive; I feel the car bump over something and for a second I apprehensively wait for a remonstrance from father but there's none and anyway there's no way one can see. little ways and it seems like She goes just a remember that

they

they've left something back where we stopped, and now the problem is where to stop again; she keeps going; I distinctly see the grass in the water, and then on the right side of the road the edge of this rock sticking up, and that we're going to have to get out of the way anyway. She stops, but somehow not quite right I think but I can't remember how. I'm supposed to or I've

volunteered to take care of the rock, like move it out of the way, while she goes back to get whatever it is we left. Now the water is pretty deep and there's the

grass in it; we'll have to wade; then I'm waiting for her to come back. I was teaching, and then I'm leaving; the road is rather tricky; there's no houses around; a truck is in the road doing something so I have to wait; then it moves out of the way and I can go but then I get to

this sign in the road; it says detour and addresses me by name saying that I shouldn't be in such a hurry, and now I have to do a detour, maybe about three miles, kind of like go to jail in Monopoly. In another scene

I arrive in this classroom; the teacher is there, large desks are disposed like in a grade school, four

students for each desk; I think it must be special ed. Then I'm working on this car for her, like it's part of my job, and though I couldn't say the car is in the classroom, it seems like it is. I'm taking one half of

the back axle off as she has asked me; I've more or less got the axle off. pipe and I had to Then I had to cut this tube or out how to do it. I The

figure

reluctantly decided that a hacksaw was all I had.

tube had a flair on the end and would be one side of the axle, but only for a makeshift car like a sort of soap box thing. Then I'm back under the car maybe like installing the axle, and it's supposed to be drivable, and it won't be, and I realize this as she's telling me, and I go to tell I'm her that this this girl, is mutually Kate,

exclusive.

Then

calling

like

about the computer.

I can't get through, can't get

through, finally I get through, but I hear her talking,

like

giving

an

order

over

the

phone;

I

hear

their

conversation; she or the person she is talking to say this is the Win3... and a long string of numbers and

letters like a serial number, like a part or a program that she has been trying to get. if I can; I say hello in the I decide to interrupt phone, I don't hear

anything, I wait a minute, I don't hear them either, I'm hesitant, I don't want her to think I'm impatient or mixing in her life. I say, can you hear me, but I think I can't

still I don't hear anything on the other end. this was the last segment of the dream;

remember the order of the other segments at all. I'm on my bike; I was somewhere distinct but now I can't remember, I'm going home and I need to stop and get something, I think a little part for my bike; I pull up to this shop; the whole scene appears very old world, one of those little shops on an old street that sell a little food and a little hardware. when I ride up are a couple of younger Out front boys about

sixteen, and I know one particularly; I ask if they're going to be around, he says yes so I leave the bike without locking it. Inside there's this nice looking

young girl who helps me, a very small shop, like on rue

Voltaire. eighteen.

She's about sixteen also; I'm probably about She's ringing up the item and she asks me if

I know how much it is; she's asking if I know in the language, and I say setenta y cinco, and she's happy with that, that I know it; then she's giving me my change, all sorts of sizes and shapes, two old bills and some pieces. It all doesn't really amount to much;

for a second I think the proper thing would be to tell her to keep the change; I'm troubled for a second not knowing what to do, but then in the pieces there are some interesting pieces, a little silver coin with

colorful embedded metals, one particularly that is soft and pliable and that has some colorful markings, like jewels in lead or other colorful metals embedded in lead, not worth more than five or ten cents but very interesting, and she's telling me to take my change, that I'll want it when I get home, like to my country, especially this piece because it's so interesting. I

go out of the shop; there's still the two boys; it's like a week night; the girl comes out of the shop; I think there's quite another a bit girl of with her, blonds. commotion Now and

there's

activity,

excitement.

It seems like there's more boys waiting

and more girls in the group that are going by or coming out. Now my brother is one of the boys and they're

flirting with the girls as they go by, making libidinal comments, etc. One says there's more happening tonight My brother sort of following they go by says just loud

than on a weekend night. in behind the girls as

enough, suck my cock; he says it because he thinks he's being funny, but I think it's in bad taste. Then

either after this or before it I'm at home and it is starting to rain outside; I see out the large picture window, raining very hard in a slant. shop was sweet to me. Somehow I seem to be working where Kathy is. can remember walking down these corridors. I The girl in the

It seems

I've gotten wind that she's being mistreated by her family or husband. I get to the exit or where these

people are accumulated, a door way; they're leaving; she's in the group; I can see that she's under duress, maybe there's Jim; she more or less hides her face from me, not to show her subjection and distress. out in a group, they seem like fascist They move thugs or

gangsters.

I hear something like they're going to stay

late or they're going some place to settle some affair.

Then

I'm

in

the

countryside,

maybe

on

a

small

motorcycle but this isn't at all clear, some sort of propulsion. I'm passing on a lower section of this

hill and up above about thirty yards there's a large shed, and that is where they've gone. I think about

doing something but there's nothing I can do; I see a couple of cars; it seems almost like a mechanic's or painter's setup, maybe I see Jim outside, someone. have to go on; there's nothing I can do. I

Now I'm going I think, I

across this terrain, more or less treeless.

remark to myself, I'm thinking one has to settle for less and less to get a section of land. I get to the

end of the road, a place where it branches off to go down off of the hill; I can't see where it will come out, and I don't know so I stop and turn around. It

still isn't clear how I'm getting around, but turning around it seems like I need the room of a four wheel drive type vehicle. I think for a moment that this is

the minimum of space that I need for myself, a two mile square patch. I can't remember now, but it's not the

best of terrains. Now it's like I'm up in Oregon on the coast; I'm listening to the walkman waiting for my friends to come

back; the DJ I'm listening to, I realize it's Gail, and I think to myself that's the evolution of the events since I had left. I see some people out on the beach

walking, it's night and cold; I think I recognize them as friends of Gail’s or this person's place where I'm at; I invite they them are in; very some weird, of them a are drunk or

moronic;

like

cross

between

hippies and punks.

One has taken the radio and turned

it up; three or four of them have taken the mattresses from the bed and moved them out into the center of the floor and they're lying around on them. I decide that

it's getting late; I'm also wondering where this person is that I'm waiting for. I have to chase them out, I

say okay let's go, time to go, this won't do, come on you have to get out. At first I think that they won't

leave but gradually they start to get up; one girl with the walkman, I have to go over and disconnect her; then by the door I'm talking with the sort of leader and I'm saying look I know this person and I also know who he is and I may not know all of the others but I can tell them his name and it will be his responsibility. I

sort of touch or tap him on the chest to get the point across; he's muscular and excitable and almost takes

offense, like saying you don't have to poke me; I say I'm not, just getting the point across. Over in the

left corner where the bed was there are still a couple of people who haven't got up; one does and then the girl; she spits on the floor out of the side of her mouth; she is drunk or retarded, and then she finally gets up and then they're gone. weird friends; things are I think what a bunch of I think what a

quiet and

strange way things went, I think something like how I would have been involved in this evolution if I'd

stayed there, like I would have come out somewhere in this; I wonder where they are, Gail and maybe Bruce; then maybe I recognize that Gail's the DJ on the radio. The room is dark and the music is from the radio and it isn't very loud. I'm in this trailer or a modular building; there's this defense class, like karate or something; then

there's no light. free style kicking,

They're kicking around, it's like their instructor said okay now

kick, so instead of doing some sort of regular exercise everyone is just running around kicking. Then I want

to go to the bathroom before I leave, but it's dark, I have to be careful not to get kicked; I go over to the

bathroom.

I have this light in my hand, very big and

strange, in the shape of a hammer, maybe two feet long and then the top part where the light is, almost a foot, and it's got this little wire handle, aluminum like a flashlight. wait until they Someone went into the bathroom so I come out even though it's a big

bathroom; then I go in, I'm not sure no one's in here, the light is very weak. I go over to a urinal in the Before

corner and set the light down on the floor.

this I go into this place and ask to buy a stereo for the car; supposedly I already have one for it, and this is where I got it and now I want another to boost the power, apparently the logic being, two is more than one. This salesman makes the order, seems to be

filling out this invoice, etc.

Then he goes over to

where they should be, but they're out of stock and I'll have to wait for one to come in, but then he goes back further in this L part of the room and comes back with a central component; it's black, about six inches cube, and there are places for connections. He says here I take it

take this one if you don't mind a used one.

and mumble something about is it free and he says yes, communicating to me with his manner not to advertise

it; then I'm thinking to myself maybe as I'm leaving how that is okay, but I won't be able to make two complete systems because I don't have all the

components.

Then I think that I can use this part in Then it's like on the way

case the other gets stolen.

home; I'm on this road and there's a cliff, and from up on the top these boys are diving from the cliff, like there was water but there's not, only the loose dirt and sand of the cliff. The first one I see dives, goes

about ten feet and crunches awkwardly, and rebounds off to hit again a little further down. just jumps feet first. The Then the next one throws himself

next

sideways and hits about the same place as the first one, about a third of the way down. This is where they There must be

all seem to plan on rebounding first.

about 5 or 6 of them up on the top, but this is vague. Maybe they are related to the boys who were taking the self defense class. This dream seemed to be linked to

the last one; I could feel the link but I couldn't find it. I'm in this strange European town with this

traveling companion.

We've just arrived in town; we We have

are only wearing shorts and we're very tired.

to figure out what to do, we're walking; he says the first thing we need is sandals. I say I think I know

where to get them and I head out west of the city. Once we get there I'm not sure how we're going to get them because we don't seem to have any money; I guess I think we'll steal them or that it will work out

somehow.

I remember a broad curve of the boulevard to

the right; I'm on the left side and there's maybe a gallery along my left. This is mixed with the idea of

going out west Eugene, like to Bimart, but I realize it's too far. Then I'm with this girl. It might be We're have

the same city or maybe one further to the east. not quite as destitute but still we don't

anything.

We're leaving the city, walking.

I have all

these things in my arms, like in plastic bags, and they keep slipping and sliding. and I have us, another. street kids She also has one large bag Also and there's also the these people

following

authorities.

The kids want to kype the sacks which they figure is easy pickings and the authorities are after maybe what they think is drugs. avenue, that same one. We're rounding this curve in the I'm dressed now and have shoes. I'm sort of

We cross a side street and I say stop.

impatient with her; I say put all of this stuff in the bag, like a sort of small suitcase. There's also a

hand bag; the kids are mulling around us trying to get in a swipe. the hand bag. She's finishing up and I say put in even Then we're walking out of town on this

empty road; just out of town we're more relaxed now, not being harassed. I'm looking at this lottery ticket I see that we won the top

that we had from the city.

prize for the day; it had a specific name but I can't remember now, tip or pip; now I get the impression that it was a German city, but it's only half the prize and at first I don't understand why but then I realize it's because that day was a holiday. The problem is we've

left the city and we're leaving the country and we're not planning on going back. I'm starting to think that

maybe we could go back the next day, but I don't know how much the ticket is worth. Then we're in our old

hotel room, like from the city we had left before, the last one. The girl that's with me, a pretty Latina, is

arranging the things in the suitcase; it's on the floor and she's kneeling. I'm there and a couple of people

of the hotel; in the background there's the bed but without any bedclothes. She is saying to them that

when we would come back she'd like this room again, making it understood that there'd probably be a little tip for them if she got it. I think it may have a nice

little view but nothing spectacular; I don't notice any window. I think I don't know if we'll ever come back

through here again and I don't quite understand why she's going to this trouble, even though it's really not that much trouble, for something that won't

materialize. I'm walking down this busy European street, small shops and street hawkers, like Faubourg St. Denis. get on this of bus; seats. we're I'm like sitting three at on this I

middle I'm I'm they

section flirting vaguely

There's looking guy.

girls

that

with; with

each It

other. like

this

other

seems

followed us on the bus and then followed us to where we're sitting. I'm not sure where I'm going; I have a

vague notion that the bus will make a loop, and in that case I can just stay on. off to go to the bathroom. There's a blank, maybe I get Then one girl, they're like

blonds, says that one of the others got kicked off this bus once before. Curious, I inquire why and it's

because she wouldn't move from where she was sitting.

I start to say something like I've put my things in a locker, maybe some shoes, like on this street; I

picture this row of lockers along the sidewalk, but I can't remember which locker. The bus stops; there's a

blank or a confusion, and now there's only one girl left. Maybe all three are gone. I thought they were a sure thing. I'm surprised because I'm alone, if there

was a friend with me he doesn't seem to be with me any longer. The bus is out on the outskirts of the city,

the suburbs; I'm not so sure that the bus is going to make a loop, in which case I will be stuck out here. I'm in this open area; I'm watching a movie, like in a theater; I'm back in the back but there aren't any seats, nor do I really see any people; then there are people sort of standing around, also watching, spaced apart. I see a blond woman standing in the door way in

the back, and I start to move closer to see her better; then I notice or remember that I'm naked. I think I

don't want to expose myself to her; she started to look at me; I turned away from her and moved back further off and sat down on the floor, facing diagonally away from her.

This woman and I stop by this other woman's house. She says she has to go get some stuff at work and then we're going someplace else; we go out on the road.

When we get to her work it seems like a paper or wood mill, old wooden buildings without paint. She leaves

us waiting in the car which she seems to have parked in a sort of hangar. There's music coming from back the

other way, like it's Friday and an end of the week celebration. I get impatient and get out of the car The lady

and start walking slowly towards the music.

comes back with a very large block of ice, almost one foot square by three or four feet. She takes this ice

chest and arranges things; there was no way it would fit but somehow it does, but the lid isn't tight; at first it's sitting on the rider's side on the floor, but that wouldn't leave much room; when I get in it's sitting on the back seat and the lid is down and there seem to be a lot of blankets back there, but I can't get in because there isn't enough room between this car and the next parked along side. other cars. Before there were no

Besides I'm hot and I want to take off my

shirts, and they are sticking or being difficult and I need more room; I'm trying to pull them over my head;

one of the women has to help me; she pulls one most of the way off and then the other goes with it. She has

to pull the car out for me to get in; she keeps backing up, it seems like an open road, and I'm walking back with the car wondering why she doesn't stop. Then

we're going where she wants to go. back to the back seat, probably

At one point I lean when the woman is

getting the ice, and I see clearly the woman that is supposedly with me, she is very blond, a pointed nose; I thought she was well suited to me. Before this I was

teaching; it's lunch hour and I'm going back to the classroom; when I arrive in front there's this music and the doors are a little open. I think well I'll

catch them doing things they shouldn't, but I see that they're probably warning the kids in the room. I use

the far door, and I walk into this other teacher's room adjacent to mine; I realize this but really there's no wall between them; at least I am then in my room; there aren't any students in here, not very many chairs, a foreign language teacher without very many students,

the chairs very spaced out around in a circle in this large room.

I'm with Dio and this other couple but it is never clear who; I'm letting Dio drive; she keeps going too fast, and when I tell her to slow down or even stop, like going around a corner, she doesn't do it. Before

this I remember we were turning around in the freeway, like a dead end of the freeway; she pulled up on the shoulder and then backed off; no cars came because it was like the stump in back of any on-ramps. point we have to turn left; she doesn't At one

slow down;

another car coming the other way is also turning left, it's very dark; I just make out the white dividing

line, and his two headlights, and he crosses the middle line; luckily she avoids him, but then I have to grab the wheel to help her do the turn, lots of cars and it has become complicated. Then we're stopped at a stop

light and she starts digging for something in her purse or something in her lap. The car starts moving forward I get paying

into the intersection before the light changes. impatient because now she's really not

attention; I say pull over I'll drive; there's also a question of us changing cars, and that's what we do, we change cars as well as drivers. a cleaner car; someone, maybe Now we're getting into Dio, comments on how

spotless it is, like I had just cleaned it; I sense a bit of maliciousness about the cleanliness, almost like I hear a mocking chuckle or something. It seems like we’re stopped alongside a cement canal but it's not clear. We're all in this auditorium; I'm a teacher but I'm sitting with my students in these rows of chairs. We are supposed to be making something with these paper handouts; gradually I understand that the group needs to know which color paper each individual is supposed to use, this is indicated in a list; I ask very loudly if someone can pass out these papers; two students do it very well and I say something like they'll get

credit.

I see that my papers have fallen on the floor,

over to the right and sort of under the chair of a person in the next row; at the same time I realize that these papers are supposed to be put together using the artwork and the text and making a pamphlet. Then I'm

walking on a dirt road like coming back from the hills, from a section of wild country, or maybe the reverse, that I'm area. walking away from the town or the settled

Alongside the road I notice this old sailboat, no mast, about six feet long. I continue

no paint,

along the road; I see a side road, with trees, colored leaves; the road goes straight out for a long ways

making almost a tunnel through the trees; I think for a minute to take this, the road looks very nice, I

hesitate, decide that I could; it doesn't matter if I stay on the main road or not. There's a blank; I

decide I'd better start heading back, it's time; the road is muddy; I start to run but I'm not wearing

running shoes, only my white canvas slip-ons; I note this but decide that I have to run anyway. The mud is

splattering; I stop to roll up my pants, they are very light, almost like pajamas, tan colored, cotton; I'm surprised that I haven't dirtied them more than I have. As I'm finishing this little egg truck comes along the road and stops next to me; it's like an antique egg cart or truck, only about six feet long, metal railings for the sides, the cab is taking up one corner of the area; I like motion with my head to the driver to see if he will take me along with him; he signals no, he leaves; I start running thinking that if another car comes along I can try to hitch a ride; I realize that I'm not wearing a shirt.

First I have this earring that I'm looking at; I go outside with it, it's small; I think it is like copper covered with maybe a little pearl rolled up in this like copper mesh, artisan stuff and not very good. Outside I drop the back part on the ground; I start looking for it, find it, but then I drop the earring part; I keep looking for it for quite some time but I finally give up; it was in this grass and I couldn't find it. Then I can't remember how to go back to the

shop; I look down the street, and then the other way, and I can't get my bearings nor do I see anything I recognize at the end of the street; at both ends I see another street going perpendicular, and I watch to see traffic, but there's none. Then I think it might be

off of a street in the middle of this one instead of off of this one, which has no store facing it at all; I take this side street, then I'm in the shop; I say I lost the earring and I'll pay for it; I think it won't be very expensive and then I think I'll only have to pay for one. Before this I think I was going to a I

dance class; it seemed like Boulevard St. Michel.

couldn't find the place or something didn't work out; I'm walking home, it's late and dark, like I'm coming

back from Fairfax. I'm crossing, then

Then I don't recognize the streets this street, Morgan, I don't

recognize at all; I think I must have gone too far, then I remember that I left my bicycle there; I'm

bothered because I don't know how I'm going to get it; then I decide I'll have to get it the next day, or maybe I never resolve this. The next scene there's

these people sitting around like in a break room in a grocery store. wearing a white I come in like I'd been working; I'm shirt; I feel something inside the

shirt; I'm still standing in the room; I unbutton a couple of buttons and pull out this glass shard about two by fifteen inches, very sharp and jagged, like it had somehow fallen into my shirt like a splinter. I'm

not near as surprised as I should be; then Harold comes in; after understanding what had happened he sort of recommends that I be careful for the next couple of days, which are critical. I'm on this campus; it's nice, like the University of Oregon; I'm talking to this overweight black vice principal telling her that really I was qualified to teach two years ago. She says really, skeptically. I

say sure, that it has gotten out of hand, to teach high

school

one

doesn't

need

to

be

a

don,

look

back

at

nineteen fifty, forty.

Then I realize that I'm late to

class; I can't remember what my class is, it seems like I have 5 or 6. I'm heading in the general direction I I guess I remember,

think it is, trying to remember;

at any rate I walk into this class, it seems to be on old English literature, like Chaucer. They've already

started what seems to be work in groups, discussion in groups. I realize I don't have my book. I leave.

Then I think that I should have stayed, that I might have trouble keeping up; apparently this isn't the

first class I've missed; then I think I really already know it. Then the scene changes. Dio is making this

dish to take to Marelene's for New Year's Eve; it's a funny concoction, like beef and macaroni with tomato sauce that she's shaped into a ball in a bowl, and then she dumps like this macaroni salad over it and covers it up. dish. she This is then according to her a multipurpose I remind her that she doesn't want to go there; that Marelene is coming here; I say she

says

doesn't know that. She says we'll go there, she's just waiting for Marelene to call and invite her. It's

pretty late for this.

Then there's something about

this picture of these bridges over this water, like alongside this lake, two long expanses where the road crossed water, long bridges. Reservoir in Oregon. It's like along Dexter

For some reason I'm looking at

the picture; it becomes real, actually losing distance by degrees, like at first I'm viewing the scene from a distance, but I'm actually there, like from a hill; then I'm walking along the way, but now it seems more like a railway than a road; for a while it also seems miniaturized, like I'm walking along this little

railway. There's water and it's narrow, and so I have to pay attention to my balance, blackish railway; then I come to a part where there's no bridge; I need to cross the water; it's still miniaturized so I don't give it too much concern, it doesn't seem that deep. I

start to step across the area, a step or two in the water which will hardly cover my shoes, and I will

rejoin the railway.

Then I'm holding on to the railway

like a buoy or log in the water with most of my body in the water. Jerry comes up across the water wearing a There's no boat but he

ski belt and holding another.

acts like there is; apparently that's the purpose of the extra belt, for propulsion. I don't understand

this logic but it isn't dwelled upon, he has come to pick me up, to ski; I start out. us to go to Marelene's. I He is also inviting remember if he

can't

actually invites us or if that is the message I get from his appearance, and this is mixed with his call last night actually inviting us; nor is it clear if I actually say no way, not out on those roads on New Year's Eve, or if I'm just remembering last night. I'm at the beach swimming; out further I see a couple of little plastic sailboats, very small and

maybe one is over on its side.

I think about going out

there to get them but I decide that they're too far out. I come in and go up to the house; before I take a I see a very clear line

shower I look out the window.

in the ocean where I had swam and then I see the two little sailboats out further about the same distance again; I see it's really not that far; I decide to go get them, but it's starting to get late, the light's starting to go; I yell to a person, probably Dio, to see if she'll go with me; she says yes; I say we've got to hurry. On the beach there's some pine trees; we

have to go through this group of young boys playing football, almost two full teams playing in this area

between the trees. hung up a bit.

I get through fine, but Dio gets

Then I have a ball or I'm after a ball

and it rolls under this tree; this guy has gone running after it at the same time as I; he gets there and has the ball. Somehow the hurry and the necessity of the I start to

sailboats has been transferred to the ball.

tell this person how I need the ball right now, etc. It seems like I'm leading this group of people around in these salt flats; father is with us; there must be about 5 to 10 people; it's generally hard

packed sand, wide roads.

I don't know why we're here.

We come to this one spot and there's like this sign which marks one of the ways out; Harold says let's take it. just I vaguely remember it as a déjà-vu. take this road a little further; I say let's I vaguely

remember that there's something here I'm looking for, like soft sand or salt. I get to the place; there's a

drop-off and I get to where I can see down, and it has filled with water. yell; it's I'm very surprised and I almost rained I remember. Now we

because it's

can't slide down the hill; I think for a minute one could start but then I think that if one couldn't stop one would get wet. The water is in this canal

perpendicular to the road we came up on.

I was going

to show the group something but I don't know what; I don't know what we were doing out there nor what sort of group it was. I'm walking along; it's a long ways; it seems like I'm following this strip, maybe a narrow ridge. two guys come up who are looking for something. These I get

ready to fight; I more or less tell the one of them to get away or I will punch him; he wants to know

something or something, I just want him out of there; I feel what it would be like to punch him but I don't actually do it. seem to Then I'm in this class. else except There doesn't and she

be anyone

the teacher,

stays vague. piece of

I'm hungry and I'm going to eat this but I when think I open the wrapping it but I I

chicken, raw.

realize

it's

about

cooking

decide that I don't have enough time; I think about eating it that way and decide not to. Then I'm walking

in this apocalyptic terrain with Dio; she's behind me; we are going a very long ways, we're getting tired; I'm thinking about stopping shortly to eat and rest. We're

walking along this sort of valley or slight depression in the terrain; the ground is very dark, like with a

film of oil; there's these poles like fallen telephone poles along the way, also covered with this film, like to preserve them. For a moment I walk along them,

going from one to the next; I think we'll stop after the next section, like after we go over the next rise. We come upon two people, a woman and man who are

stopped; I might recognize the woman, she wants some money, like for the passage, or maybe she is begging; at any rate I don't have any money and I don't plan to give her any. She mumbles something about if I have a

computer then I must have money. I'm going along a trail or path or way, whatever, it's linear, I've killed like following a rail line or a road. the occupants of the camp, and now I'm

making camp where they were; this isn't clear but is more what I've deduced has happened. Then there

arrives like a couple of my companions; they take in the situation; we hesitate for a moment about whether we want to go on, but it is six o'clock in the evening so we'll make camp here where we are. We start to mark

out the placement of the tent, small and linear, the emplacement is very linear, almost like along this

narrow path, along this narrow ridge; maybe there's a

tree; nothing takes on any clarity except that where we were going to put the tent it seemed like there was a very small puddle or bubble of blood; it's like very minimalist, like the whole story takes place in a

narrow space and in just a few seconds. I'm parked alongside the road like in a pull-off; I'm talking on the phone to my brother; I look out the window and I see this little pick-up go by and

reclining in the back camper is Phil.

I haven't seen

him in ages and I motion to him to stop and talk to me for a second. He circles around my car. I tell Blake

I've got to go, I say I'll see him later but I don't mark anything definite; he seems to want something but he

definite like I sort of leave him hanging,

never marks anything for me; then I say I'll be at the folks this evening, then I'll probably go to my

apartment, he can call me; maybe he doesn't have the number, then I say I'll call him, I leave it vague. Then I go talk to Phil; he's up in the front part; his boy friend was driving, he's younger and kind of cute, sort of pixie, thin, ears sticking out a little, his face is flushed from necking. When I come up I lie

down on the back of this sofa in the back of their van

that's like open, almost like the back of a pick-up and where Phil was before. I say he's not bad to Phil but The

then Phil says sure but now he's got a girlfriend.

other sort of smiles and doesn't deny it, and I say well that's the way they all go. Then I'm going across

this campus; it's dark, like very overcast or night; I'm late to class but I but my excuse remember is what I was for. in I

administration,

can't

remember entering into this building and not being sure where the classroom is; I go down this corridor, turn and go down another, sort of looking in the classrooms to see if I see it; then I sort of remember. I go in

but now it's outside; the teacher is over to the right; he looks like Mr. Perry but he's much thinner and

younger. a park. students

The students are spread out in this area like There are chairs and benches; have formed a large semi-circle some of the around the

teacher, not that he is lecturing or anything, and the rest are just sitting around seemingly doing nothing. I go over to the teacher and walk by and say very quietly that I was in administration; at first he won't accept me but then I say it quietly again and then he accepts it. I walk over to the left, away from that

group, I sit in this chair, I notice I'm sort of on the edge of the park, and then over to one side I see this kid come up this bank, this drop off that leads down to the river, which I now partially perceive through

spaces in the brush; he comes out of this narrow trail; I imagine he was swimming; all he's got on is this shirt about half-buttoned, but he doesn't seem to be wet. We were on a ferry on a lake going along this shore line. Then it seemed like there was a city

there, like Venice with canals and I see some canals going off perpendicular to the shore; one I notice

going down between these old buildings exactly like in Venice. Then we pass this very modern building on the

shoreline; it is integrated with the lake, the lake flows into its lobby, there is a modern rock sculpture coming out of the water along this walk way, and then the main part of the building starts; maybe the Maybe

sculpture has a female form, it is chalk white.

it's like a restaurant and people would come in the entry and pass by this water and the statue and go on in to the main part; this entry was partly covered. Then I'm at my parents house; mother is in the dining

room; there was maybe a scene here before this that I can't remember in some other room, maybe I was looking for a bathroom; then I'm there with her and she's

putting out the silverware like for dinner, somewhat ceremoniously. Then she is going out with Harold; they She looks

are going out to the theater or something.

very good and she is lucid; she stops doing what she was doing and she looks at me and she says something about how now she is lucid, now she is thinking fine but it could always come back and her logic could

falter, like in a battle with mental illness.

As she's

leaving to go down the stairs or before this she stops and turns and says but there's still this cancer, and it's like they had cured it but it was still dormant inside of her. I think and communicate to her, yes but

it's really not even there anymore. I'm at this dinner party; I see it's flooded; at first I think to leave but then I see that everyone is there just like normal; I go out into the garden and maybe I'm talking to a small group of people. The

water comes up to mid-thigh but no one even seems to notice. I see some people walk across the garden,

others go into the house, talking and holding drinks as if nothing was the matter. I was working sort of as a public relations man for a junior college; it seems like I'd met with a political figure; there had been a plane flight, and then I met with my supervisor for like a debriefing; this was like an informal barbecue, perhaps at his

home; he seems like Maroufi; he is wearing a shirt and tie with jeans; I'm a little surprised that he seems to consider that as dressed-up enough. alright. campus. towards Apparently I did

Then I'm in this area like a high school I've these just gotten up and I'm walking who has over just

buildings,

like

someone

gotten up and is moving around the house or yard as he wakes up; but I go into this one building and there's I see Maroufi

this big meeting, some food, important.

and he wants to talk to me about something; he asks me if I have the time; I say sure but I just got up, I didn't even know this was happening. We go down this

hallway and he's saying I did alright, but then he says that I should have been warmer with this one girl;

she's only a student but it turns out she seems to have a lot of influence; it was like she had accompanied me

on the mission and I hadn't come on to her enough.

I

say the last thing I need is a scandal, and he says, oh no, far from it. so called There is for a moment allusion to my coldness. Then there's this

Anglo-Saxon

large hallway, white cement, maybe some lightly colored tiles imbedded in the walls, a large room, like a wing of a junior college; then maybe it's a special section of a high school for delinquent students. Then I'm in

this room; it feels almost like a shop room, and that girl is there; there is also another girl; the girl I had been with is looking at me and she is saying she should paint my picture; then she decides that painting wouldn't do it justice; then she is further back, like across the room, and she is saying that she should take my picture, but then she says that the camera wouldn't work or that some of the shades of gray wouldn't take. I'm thinking I'm going to have to come on to her and I think that would be alright but I'd just as soon not because of the other girl; a woman calls her over to this desk, it seems like to process her last voyage, like a receipt and then to give her the details of her next mission, like the destination; maybe there was

some hesitation on my part as to whether I wanted to dedicate myself totally to doing this sort of thing. Kathy and I agree to meet later to make love; maybe we were necking; she is like staying in this

boarding house or cheap hotel.

Then I am going there;

I know where her room is, I think she showed me when she first entered. I go in the front door, but it makes a lot of noise and when I go to shut it it won't shut, but catches on the floor; I think there must be another entry that everyone uses like a back entry. I go down

this hall; maybe I pass a couple of people, and find the door to what I think is her room. I think it is a

very small room, like a closet, and the door is like a closet weight. door, sort of hidden away, small and light

Now I think she might be tired but we had I knock very lightly, then I knock

agreed to meet. again. not

This one person is moving around behind me like his seems own business; Mike then the a owner comes obtuse

minding he

around,

like

Moran,

stocky

person, I think it is he who goes over to this thing on the wall and yells into it. I see it is like a cheap

hole or vibrator contraption to get his voice into the room. I go out past the door to the left and see two

windows into what must be the room; I look in and see that it is a large room but there are lots of girls sleeping in there; cheap thin little mattresses are

together on

the floor

or maybe

on this

low plywood

platform like a bed frame but just a little off the floor; they I seem make to out be a covered group of with about a 3 few army

blankets;

entwined

oriental girls and then another group of two or three and then another group of about three. see Anita; this isn't clear; she's up Then maybe I and walking

towards the door.

I'm wondering if I'm going to go in

there and make love with her; in my thinking I hesitate for a second then I decide it would be okay, I could do it. Before this I remember, she was setting up this

bed like in this small room, but then it turns out to be a tent, and when I go look at the situation I see that it is outside and then there's no tent; there's no more room than in a single bed, even less, but there aren't very many blankets, and I perceive that it is going to be very cold in the night, and that it is going to rain; the girl is going about putting on the blankets; she doesn't agree that it is going to rain or somehow she thinks the situation is better than I do,

but somehow my hesitation leads to the next scene at the boarding house. Before this I was going to go food

shopping, and usually we did this in a large market, but now we're going to go into this old little store where normally people only go to buy soda and beer; it's like Lone Pine in Creswell, white washed wood; then we're inside; I don't know who I'm with, but with some girl, it is never clear who; we are going down the little isles, maybe it is only I but there seems to be the presence of a girl with me; the old proprietor and maybe his wife are like watching a little, a little surprised, curious and suspicious because we’re getting more groceries than normal. Then the scene changes.

I've left Kathy in a small cheap hotel room, or I've left my hotel room, this isn't clear. It seems I

have to drive north to take care of something; there is the presence of my brother and father. I am walking

out of the old hotel, thin paneled walls, almost like frontier construction; I go down a wide empty hall and cross a large lobby; I remember I forgot something, I run back to my room; when I go in the girls, I think there are two, make a noise and they are locked in the closet; they won't come out. Then we are looking for

Kathy in her room. there.

Maybe my father or brother goes in

I go to my room because I remember I have a I go to the closet and then in my

flashlight;

sweatshirt pocket I take out the little flashlight; I realize that no one has been in my stuff, which I had been worried about when I caught the girls in my room. I go out and then into Kathy's room, which door is just around the corner; going in I see a large bed but

there's no one in it; then I see on the left a smaller bed; I see a girl and I shine the flashlight in that direction; it's not Kathy but her friend, who at the time I recognize but now I don't know who it was. She

makes a small motion with her head to her side and I see Kathy's shape on the other side of her. I shine

the light in her direction but not directly on her. She slowly lifts up her head and smiles; she is so pale she is white. Then I leave because I still need to go I look out the window

north or wherever for something.

and see a parking lot; it seems like ripples of water going over it; I think it can't be raining. I'm at this party or get together; maybe it starts out at a school. I'm leaving; I was taking this class;

during the class I was listening to the radio; then I

went

out;

then

I

came

back

in

and

the

teacher

had

posted the day for the next exam, like Tuesday in about a week. The class was laissez-faire but very exacting,

a lot of knowledge was expected but no one was doing any work. Leaving I go by this room; I see this girl

inside that I know; she seems like Carol or a friend of Carol’s. I go back and enter the room; we are very Then

happy to see each other but we're very busy. we're in this bedroom.

She has asked me what classes

I'm taking and now I'm asking her; at the same time we are fondling each other. She is very hot, all she

seems to have on is her cardigan sweater; I caress her breasts, very nice full body; I start to touch her sex, but then I think that I will get the smell of her on me and Dio might perceive it; I look at the closed bedroom door thinking that she might come in at any moment. We

stop and are conversing, maybe I tell her my fears, and we're talking about our careers, hers. Her attitude

seems to be well if you don't want it too bad for you, and for me because it would be nice. We embrace and I

slide down on her, kissing her body, down to her pubis, blond, but I start getting too excited, and if I were to ejaculate there would be a big mess, and my mouth

would smell of her, so I stop again; I decide I'm going to have to go. I've gone home; I can't park in my space because this car is in it. I had to curve up this hill and

then go around the apartment building, and then up a slight incline and park behind the building. an empty space next to mine; then I go I park in see the

supervisor or landlord or something to complain; maybe he is wearing a guard uniform; it's because these

people in the building next to ours are moving; the man says it won't take very long at all, but I look over and I can see through the windows, they don't seem to be near to finishing. Then I'm in this rich house, I I

maybe the same man’s, but now it is very large. glimpse out the view window, it's up on a hill,

glimpse a lot of water, like a lake area; then back inside I'm waiting; I'm supposed to move, to go south, maybe to California. I have a large plastic glass that

I was going to drink water out of, or was drinking out of. like I glimpse some white deposits on the side of it it hasn't been washed for a while; I wipe my

finger on it to wipe it off but it is thicker than it looked and sort of balls up and makes a mess, then I

see more; a woman asks me if I want to wash it; I say no it's not necessary. Then I see that the plastic is

all bent up and like maybe it's been chewed on; I think I don't want to use the glass. The man is late, I'm

talking to his wife; I say something negative and then the man is there, like he came out of the shadows or just appeared; I say I didn't know he was there, I say if I knew I was going to wait I would have brought a game or something, I think about electronic monopoly and playing it, maybe it was that that I said. Then I

they all arrive, coming in, there's the commotion.

vaguely remember the parking space; then I look out the window and it is pouring down rain. The already

flooded landscape is now even more flooded, the lakes are up even with the road that seems to be going

straight down the middle of the valley or area where I'm looking. I express my reservations about

traveling, I say I never did like to travel in the winter, exactly for this reason; maybe it's the woman she says something to the effect don't worry he'll take care of it. The next scene there's this little boy, perhaps like the son of this family and I'm talking to him for a second; then his little sister comes home

like from school or something; I hug her, a lot, and he seems disparaging, like an attitude of why do you want to be with her; to show him just to what point my sentiments run or maybe as something we usually do the girl and I still entwined go into the bedroom and lie down on the bed still embraced; she must be between 5 and 12 and sweet and cute. He sort of disappears from

the scene but there's a reference to her shirt, for some reason; it's flimsy cotton without sleeves and

buttons up the front, print of something; like it's too flimsy to wear with me and he's going to tell his

mother; it's not clear if he's going to tell her about the shirt or about us, but we don't seem to worry about it. Then I'm supposed to leave again, I look out the

window and it is still raining but not as hard, the water is a little higher; they tell me not to worry. Then we're supposed to eat something; it's cooking in a pot. I see the directions which say to cook very

thoroughly.

It has already been cooking like 2 hours

and I think that is more than adequate. The woman is very vague, almost transparent, she tries the meat or whatever is in the pot and it seems to still be very tough; she puts it back on the stove; I'm reminded that

the directions say to cook for a very long time. it seems almost explosive or radioactive,

To me like

meatballs or dumplings in gravy; I think what if it explodes; I think it might mess up the kitchen; somehow this is allayed, some argument vaguely put forth by someone. leaving, allayed And which by the of is course later I'm and still later, like in concerned and the again air, about it's this

group

there,

attitude, don't worry, he'll take care of it. I was going south on La Brea from the apartment on my bike. It is late at night, like about midnight; on the curve before McDonalds this grey car comes

alongside of me and starts pushing me off the road, this happens for maybe a hundred feet and he pushes me to the side about twenty feet; he doesn't manage to upset me; he had a grudge against me. I was slightly

amused, he goes on ahead and starts to turn around to wait for me, almost head-on from the right hand side, but there's this guy standing over to the left there who will witness the scene so I'm not worried and go right towards the car. There's a blank; then someone I see Harold coming the

is with me on their bike. other way.

I am surprised; now we're in a car and we

pass Harold.

I say hang on to the person I'm with, I'm

going to catch him; I might have been with Dio, it isn't clear. Then I'm on my bike again, still going Then

south; now I'm trying to catch up with Harold.

I'm riding on this forest road going up this mountain; it's taking longer to catch up than I thought. about Dio back there for a second. I think

He's going faster

than I thought; then I see him; he is with Blake; they have gone over this ridge. look down, I see them I get up on the ridge and I the last part down.

walking

There's like a small natural lake there, quite a bit of forest which sort of obscures the lake; at the same time I get his attention I am looking into the lake. I

see this log down on the bottom, the water is clear and deep, maybe twenty feet; the lake isn't very big at all, 200 feet maybe. I say for him to wait up. Up on

the ridge I'm thinking if I'm going to stay here and wait for him; I realize that it's sort of high up, and I start to get upset about the height; then I might have laid down the bicycle. I get the idea that Harold

comes here for Janet, in case she wants to come here too because she likes the spot.

I'm taking this ballet class, but then I get sick and I have to leave. I look for a bathroom; it is very

complicated, like at a big high school with a lot of hallways; I find one, go in and use it. blank. Then there's a Now I I

Then I'm looking for the bathroom again.

vaguely remember where it was but I can't find it.

find what must be like the physical fitness wing of the building, the entry that I think will take me there I go out

turns out to go to the girl's dressing room.

and down the hall; then I'm going down this dark hall, someone has joined me; now I'm in a sort of a hurry to get there before he does. It's pitch black but I

remember doing this before; I go a ways, then swing to the right to hit a light switch, but there wasn't one where I thought there would be. I swing back over to

the left and catch one there; then I go down this side hallway towards the bathroom. Then I'm in this car

with this guy; it's my car but I was tired so he is driving; it has snowed. We get out on the freeway but

we haven't gone very far at all and there's all this debris on the road, like pieces of a big tree; it's dark against the white and hard to distinguish, the night is very dark; finally I make out vaguely what

looks like part of the trunk of a tree.

He has to get

off the road now, no longer a freeway but a small road; off the road this sort of track seems to swing out slightly and parallel the road. I am trying to help

him; it's snow covered, sort of muddy with puddles of water from time to time. I tell him to go a little

faster so the car won't get stuck in the slippery mud. There's more debris in the road; then we're back on the freeway; there's no one on it, four lanes covered with about six inches of snow. left hand side where the He goes clear over to the traffic would go in the

opposite direction but there's no one on the freeway. I don't know why he went over there. One can see for a

very long ways down this slight straight decline, like coming down off of a hill. Now it starts seeming like

it would be fun to drive; then we start coming up on this traffic signal; there are quite a few cars waiting for it to change. I think I would like to drive, I

think I make this known; it's not at all clear who the person is driving. Then I'm driving; there's some

billboards on the left, like a wall with these posters, one after the other. The person that was with me is

now up there and I'm driving by; it's some idea he had

about getting through this, it's not clear, he's going along, it's like then he's a poster, just like the

others; then the poster turns on its side and then it starts going along the wall over the other posters like advancing. The logic of this didn't seem to bother me

in the dream. It seems like I had just got home from a trip or something; it was later in the day, and that evening I was going to visit my parents. I think I also wanted

to stop by this shopping mall, but I really didn't have time; I keep trying to figure out how to do it, but eventually I decide I can't. Then I am in this very

big station, like the central hub of a transportation network; cars making a are coming in on one side, buses are I think I

circle around

the whole

area, and

trains are leaving and arriving from the center.

want to take a bus around the circumference but I can't remember exactly how to do it, I have this vague idea, but I can't remember where to catch the proper bus; others I see but I they still won't want make to do the this whole outer the

circumference;

before

evening or something like that.

I'm asking someone,

maybe that I know; this isn't clear, maybe it's only in

my head; there's a lot of bustle around me; I'm sort of towards the back of the station and so I start towards the front, hoping to cross the trajectory of the bus I want; there's one over to the right on the

circumference that I think about taking for a moment, but I realize the that it won't I go all the way around be the

through shopping

back

part; I keep

think

there lots

might of

there.

walking,

movement;

across the way I see these two policemen; I need to cross this place where about four lanes of traffic pass through, I run across, now I'm on this sort of island; the two policemen are talking; they have a dog; on a sort of hint from the blond policeman the dog bites me very lightly on the forearm and then starts to run off, then he stops after about ten feet and turns around and looks at us like he was playing; the policeman looks at me and smiles, like to say that they were playing and isn't it a smart dog; I sort of shuffle it off and ask about the bus; they say that I have to catch it up in the front of the station and over to the right. start over there. I

Then I'm thinking it might be very

crowded because it's getting later in the afternoon; there's something about my brother arriving at home

also.

Then I'm out in this backyard in this belvedere,

at first it is normal, but then I perceive that it's walled in on three sides by these window panes, like double doors; they are to protect from the wind and also you could open them on a hot day; I think for a minute that they might as well dispense with the whole thing, like either you're outside or inside; then for a second I realize that being able to open the windowed parts would be nice to let through a breeze. I go out

from there; then over by a wooden fence; I am trying to trim this shrub; it seems like someone else is with me but it isn't clear. The plant is like the one in Oregon that I'm allergic to, scotch broom; I don't know why I'm trimming it, one branch is giving me a little

trouble cutting off and then I finally get it after wrestling with it for a second. Now maybe I'm still

supposed to go inside for the dinner with my parents, like I've just got home after a time away. The dream

extends back further but I can't remember anything more than a vague feeling, my brother driving on the

freeway, going to my parents. We were in this gas station; we left and Dio was driving, she was doing okay; then coming back we're on

this four

lane road

coming down

from this

hill; it

seems almost like a ride in a diversion park; she is going too fast and I keep telling her to slow down but she doesn't do it; we get to the bottom of the hill and the road curves sharply to the right; I'm very tense and almost sure that she's not going to make it but she does, and she is happy this but gas I was upset; like she it pulls was

immediately

into

station,

integrated with everything. having been on the road

In the dream I remember down from the hill

coming

before but I don't know it really.

In the gas station

I'm going to trade places with her for the trip home, like we're in Salem and going to Eugene. I decide to

get some gas in the car; I put the nozzle in; when it's about done I go to take it out; there's a problem, the attendant, owner, a young man is there; my car starts to swivel around, and it turns out that when we drove up we drove up on the hoist that hadn't been properly deactivated. The man stops it but in doing this the

car tilts up and the roof hits this thing hanging down; it puts two little dents in it. Then I'm in the little

office of the gas station getting the information for the insurance, his insurance and number, the telephone

number of the station; there were some problems with this, he wasn't giving it to me straight it seemed

like, and I had to get pushy; he kept saying that it all happened just to amuse me, like I was bored and this is giving me something to do. Off the wall he

shows me the number of the station, where it's written, something like 442; he's writing this stuff about the accident anything on the wall the there, the for but he doesn't that to I'm write most he

about

roof, I say

part him

preoccupied

about.

write

it;

erases a part in the middle of the sentence and starts putting it in, to my satisfaction, even though I I

realize that it doesn't matter what he writes there.

keep saying that I got ripped off, earlier, maybe that day, and I don't want to get ripped off again. keeps insisting that it is just to amuse me. to the car. I'm waiting in this lobby of this restaurant; its a popular restaurant bar. couple and this girl. I think I'm with this other He

I go out

For a minute we thought this

other guy would come, like the girl's boyfriend or just a friend of hers but he doesn't show. They are saying

its really his night out like it’s his night to go play

pool and lobby to

go drinking. the main

There's

an opening

from the where the

room of

the restaurant

booths are, the tables; from the bench I can see the booth on one side, and from the other side of the

opening this other side.

other person

can see

the booth

on the

I don't think he's with us but we seem to

be joking around and he's going to let me know if the side he can see becomes open and vice-versa. Then I'm

looking and the table I can see actually seems empty. I start to like lean forward to see further back to make sure, and then I'm going to get up and go look to make certain. It's like I come home to this apartment where I'm living with my parents. Dio and I, maybe not Dio; but

my girlfriend and I have had a disagreement and she is leaving me. I get upset but there doesn't seem to be I leave on my bike to go work out Near the apartment there's or something, it's not

anything I can do.

or something; I come back. these guys playing

football

clear what, laughing and making a lot of noise.

Then I

have this note she has left me, maybe like a small book where she has underlined passages for me to read, like pertinent to our differend; it seems almost like I'm

looking at this as I'm arriving on my bike and going by the guys playing. Upstairs in the apartment going down

the hall to my room I'm thinking I don't even know where she went. I'm thinking I could write to her

parents, and now it seems like it's Anita, but I don't know if it will get to her, so I think well there's really nothing I can do except wait for her to come back around; then I think that I can always go out with other girls, there's the vague idea that there were others that I wanted to go out with, but I think

skeptically that now there won't probably be any around who will want to go out. It seems like there's about three of us and were looking into this car's trunk; it's one of those deep trunks. Down in the bottom there's two wooden crates

and then over them we're going to put two more; at first I'm a little concerned about them fitting, but then it looks like it's going to work. Something about

a storm or a flood, and maybe these are going to float the car or maybe we're going to take them out and make something. Then it's like we're back from somewhere,

maybe the mission; we're discussing some details, we're finishing up. Mr. Sartel is with us, like the third

party; he clicks a wire on this makeshift table made with this wooden crate, like touches this electrical contact with a thin piece of metal about a half-inch by an inch, and old and worn out. son and the connection is He's like calling his horrible, scratchy and

shorting out. but his

John can't understand anything at all to us is clear; he says

communication

sarcastically and laughing, well so the mission went alright, and now you've got a little time to call me up, sort of like about time. It was almost a military

sort of thing. I don't know if there was something in the beginning that I've forgotten that would explain better what was going on. shore. I seem to be in this small jewelers shop in Brazil or it might as well be a reception for some sort of medical facility. dance. They are I know the girls working there, from having some problems with jewels We might have been at a lake

coming up missing, little diamonds, so that they work but then they lose too much of their salaries having to pay for missing jewels. Then I find myself going next I'm

door to see if they have the same problem there.

at this counter, I know the girl, a pretty brunette;

she's in front of me and a little to the left; she sees me but she's busy and so I'm waiting. to me and I start to explain some why Then she turns I'm there; come then up

there's

some

confusion,

jewels

have

missing at this very moment.

I find that I'm in this

little area with two or three other people, like maybe five feet square, and now surrounded by tall glass

display cabinets almost like a cage, which it turns out is where I was when I was talking to the girl. I show my hands and forearms saying I don't have anything, no way; not that they're accusing me but it's this general revision. There was this formula, a windows formula that

made this complicated organic substance; then later as I was sleeping the formula changed into this little being like an animal, like a little hamster, sort of like jelly but with that shape and he could move

around, and he was nice; we had him in a room but then there was another animal, a real one; I can't remember what kind, maybe like a cat; the two of them when they got together the cat started biting the other's nose. I saw it and took the formula and put him under this bowl to protect him; someone was with me and I had

shown him to them, and now I was sad and I brought them over to see what had happened to his nose. I lifted the bowl and the protuberance had changed color, like from translucent light green to light brown, and it looked like it was bruised, and I thought that the same thing would happen to it as to fruit and that the part would get rotten and eventually fall off. about this; I don't know if the I felt very bad formula thing was

suffering; I don't think so. I arrive at this stadium and am going in. I'm in

this wooden corridor; I run into the whole group of people that are putting on the show, it's like a rodeo. The stadium is old and not that big and I never get out of the corridor. This person with the group stops and

starts discoursing on the fact that this is one of the few places left where they can come in and set up, maybe like in the space of one day or maybe at all; he has stopped in this passageway going up, the others going past him with their loads. Then I'm at this

apartment; it seems like the 3rd or 5th floor, maybe the same group of people, but now it's a family reunion and they are supposed to be related to me. I don't

really recognize anyone; it seems like my family, but

afterwards

I

realize

that

it's

not.

Everyone

is

waiting a little for this one lady who is supposed to come, like my grandmother from northern California who had been dead for 30 years, I had thought. She comes

in and for a moment I think it is her, but now healthy and much younger than I remember her. For some reason

she bends over, to do something, and through the neck of her dress I see her old wrinkled breasts; they

aren't horrible but they aren't any longer those of a young woman, maybe of a woman of about 50. Then she is

sitting at a table and as she's talking I realize that she isn't this grandmother but rather my aunt I think for a moment. She is saying that one learns to comb

one's hair to compensate; it's one of those families where the hair goes up in front, like in the middle. She uses two French words that I don't remember to

describe the two different ways of doing the front, one with the hair that curves over and then down and the other that goes up, and these tricks with the hair and these terms are supposedly very chic; she and everyone think so. Then I realize that she isn't my aunt either Dennis is

but that this seems like the Moran family. there.

Then like after everyone has left it seems like

I'm cleaning up.

The father, this would be Ed but it No one else seems to be

isn't clear, comes up to me.

there any longer, and he starts talking how his son was working, that is back before, and saying how he worked good and did his job, and this might have had something to do with my cleaning up now, like to apologize for his not doing it now, or to explain that he usually does his work. This isn't clear why he went into it. Maybe before all of this I vaguely remember riding my bike across the park, like Skinner's Butte. I'm driving this car on what seems to be a

freeway, or maybe more like a four lane highway; it seems like I'm going to the beach; there might be I but

someone with me but they are never really there. never see the interior of what I'm driving

sometimes it seems like there is this muted dialogue. I get behind these two trucks that have stopped in the road; I change lanes as I come up on them to go around. The one truck, maybe like with a trailer and a grader on it, has some problem, the other has a trailer with what looks to be a generator on it. I'm thinking it

will be some time before they can fix this problem, but just as I'm getting there both trucks take off, and I

had thought they were going to have to charge something or hook the trailer up to the other truck. following them, and as I'm behind them I Then I'm vaguely I'm The

imagine where I'm going and the road to get there. going to the beach and it's almost like an island.

road descends down a regular type beach to this other beach, and just as I understand that it goes down to this beach and just ends it happens; the two trucks are no longer there and the road ends about five feet

before the water and there's the ocean.

Vaguely it

seems like the trucks went left but I don't see any road nor the trucks, and I don't perceive my own car any longer, if I ever really did, but it seems more like I'm walking over the sand. It's like a dune,

large enough in area but only about one or two feet out of the water, an island before the mainland; the ocean is there on all sides with that feeling of vastness. It's like I'm running around on the sand; then I think that if the water rises just a little it would cover the island completely; I think one could still stand there, like say it only covers it an inch, but the sensation would be very engulfing, the water around I

one, that is all one can see, on and on, the ocean.

quickly think I wouldn't want to be caught there; I think about Dio who can't swim, and think she would be very upset, even though if the water is only a few inches deep she wouldn't need to swim. I'm going down this road and Anita is following me in another car; I don't know where we're going or why she's following me. It's almost a rural two lane road.

Dio might be with me in my car. It seems like Anita is driving a 54 Chevy two door. This girl is with her,

her sister, but she isn't really; she kind of looks like her but her face is rounder and a little chubby; then they are ahead of us; we come to this intersection that's a little complicated, it's a crossroads, and

there's this road that comes in at an angle on the right hand side of the one we're entering on; there's a special light to control the access from the two like only on a green arrow. goes on through. Anita doesn't see it and just

Then we're in front of them again; I

pull over at this little store, a gravel pull off area. They pull in and go past us. Here I realize that this

girl that looks like she could be her sister is with her; also maybe Anita's learning how to drive. I go

over to tell her that she made a mistake over there.

When I get up to the car I see that the other girl is driving; this might also be my car but I don't get mad because someone else is driving. It seems like there's

more going on like underneath, but it's like I can't remember the premises, like the part of the dream that set up this situation, like there's more to the scene than that, like Anita is helping me move the car

somewhere.

There was something about going to a party,

and her little brothers and sisters going, but then they weren't going because they wanted to watch this program on TV, so I was a little surprised to see this other girl with her. Then we're going to take off

again; when I go up to the car after we've stopped it almost seems like back in the fifties, the atmosphere, the way I go up to the car, my perceptions, the way they look at me and receive me; it's also rural. I'm on vacation; it's a mountainous area; it seems like a Swiss resort area, but then when I'm climbing this hill it seems like I reach for a hold from a tropical plant; it seems more like one of those

European style ranches in Brazil; it is a very nice temperature. The first place I only stayed one night

and it was vague, almost like a precursor or intimation

of things to come. there any longer.

For some reason I couldn't stay I'm hiking and it seems like I'm

thinking about how I can only stay in each place one day; I'm thinking it was very beautiful and tranquil and I would have liked to impress better in my being the scene and atmosphere. The first part of the hike

is vague; then I come out on this ranch, this large house on a hill that I approach from the left; there's lots of vegetation so though on a hill it isn't

exposed; there might be a veranda. the house I'm faced with this

Just as I get to young woman, very

stylish, like the cosmopolitan rich, light and witty sort. I'm going to go take a shower in my cabin. This

is vague, maybe I ask her what I should wear; there's some clothes on a hook, maybe pajamas are on the top; she says those, playfully and suggestively, but not I

exactly now she intimates, but doesn't really say.

look around to see where her family is, especially her mother. It's like we're going to be married shortly

and one still needs to concern oneself with propriety. We embrace; I've forgotten about the one day limit and I don't know if it's still effective or not. Embraced we're still talking playfully. I had a nice hike, I'm

going to go get cleaned up and then we’ll have dinner. She's somewhat thin and blond; I'm holding her by the waist that and I'm she's smiling her and laughing. I'm surprised with the

enjoying

intellectual

banter

playful sexual undertones. I'm leaving on my bike to go to work. I live in a I was

second story apartment in a wooden building.

thinking it was a normal time to leave, but when I open the door I'm surprised that it's quite dark. I'm

tucking in my shirt and shutting the door; the phone rings and I go answer it; it's father; he's talking with someone. I wait for a second, then he says, yes I say that he called me; he says he I

what did you want? didn't.

I say okay I'm leaving now to go to work.

go back out on the landing. I'm sitting in this big old armchair. There's

this big heavy girl that has been sitting in my lap, maybe blond, about 6 feet tall; there might be another girl in the room; the apartment is somewhat shabby. She moves away from me; there's a blank; then she is back saying something like he wants to come back to me, and going on happily; it seems her boyfriend called or something and they're going to be back together. She

comes over to me again, lies along the chair, sort of alongside me, sort of on top of me; she's kissing me again and then she starts getting warmer, kissing me on the neck. She has on this long skirt; I start moving

my hand up her bare leg; I don't think she has any panties and when I get up there I see she doesn't. I

think for a second about the other girl in the room and this excites me further. She is more big and firm than

fat; I'm thinking I can do this, we start moving slowly and sexually. Then I'm taking these rugs and putting

them on the side walk; this isn't clear, something is written on them, or I'm writing something on them. I

put one out that says something like I had sex with her. I go to get the next one; then I realize that I shouldn't put that other one out there; I

probably

hesitate and then go back to get it.

Before this I'm

in this old VW; there's no back seat, it's very dirty; part of the roof seems to be missing and covered with what seems to be mosquito netting like material; there are holes in the body, like back by the rear wheels. This would be nice for air to pass through I think after getting over my initial negative reaction. moving through the back part to then sit in I'm the

driver's seat; I'm thinking I could sleep back here. I'm thinking I can get it running and clean it up and it will do just fine. Somehow related to this I was

going to go see a movie; Blake and I were going to go see a movie; we're coming out of somewhere; he says if you don't want to go to the movie that's alright, like we don't need to go; we're walking to the car; I have something I'd rather do I think, but I feel guilty or worry about getting in trouble for not going; then

we're getting into the car. Maybe the scene changes to the VW. I brought this girl home, a lover; Dio was out like to a class; we put on some music and right away started love making. The dream was fairly clear at the

time but I don't remember as clearly, especially the actual making love. the Then there was a we blank, were in like the

sleeping

without

dreaming;

then

kitchen; she was naked and fixing something.

I went in

there, I embraced her, but then I thought for a second about the neighbors and I brought her out of the

kitchen and into the hallway; we're laughing.

I think

about what time it is because I don't want Dio to come home; I bend around and see the clock and it says six

o'clock, and I think only six, like I still had lots of time, like it was still early. After, when I think

about it, her body most seemed like Dio's, but I think I thought at the time she was Gail, maybe like an old get-together. I guess I never really tried to get to

the bottom of it in the dream; it happened quickly, like an hour or two in just a few seconds. I was subbing I thought, but then it seemed more like I was house sitting or tutoring at someone's house without my having noticed the transition. I was in the

living room; no one was home, and then I had gone into one of the little bedrooms just down the hallway. this school girl came home for lunch; she Then

was very

pretty, about sixteen.

Then it's not clear if I was in

the kitchen fixing something to eat when she came in or if I was still in the bedroom. Then there are some

friends of hers with her, two or three other girls, and she comes and gets me, and she says that that isn't a good place for me, like there's a better place, and she takes me down the hall; maybe we're holding each other or holding hands, or maybe it's just the impression, and she takes me to the end of the hall. There's one

big master bedroom with a big bed, a brown bedspread; I

don't want to go there and she says oh no not there, and she takes me to the one next to it, which isn't quite as big. Then she's in her room with her friends.

I'm in this room, like a living room or study; it is very full of stuff, tables, chairs, maybe a pool table, electronic equipment, big speakers. I had taken and

plugged in a keyboard to an outlet of a speaker; then across the room there was the video display. music coming out of the speaker. There was

I was sitting about

in the middle of the room typing on the keyboard and looking at the display over there; but then the display is now only a little digital readout, like a digital clock, and it's turned at an angle so I can just barely make it out. I decide to move things around a bit to

work better. I go disconnect the keyboard; when I do this it also disconnects the music; then I take it over to the wall where the display was; I'm going to set it on this table, but then that doesn't work so I'm going to set it on this little stool; it's still going to be a little ways away from the display but it'll be

better.

Then for

some reason

I'm moving

along the

right hand wall, the last part was like on the left hand wall; then I'm moving towards my right hand.

There's still all this stuff, but it's getting better, it almost seems like a regular room. There's a

Christmas tree, maybe one of those white cloths that one puts underneath. in. I feel Then the woman of the house comes guilty because I'd rearranged

a little

things and I was using the electronic equipment; she allays my apprehensions and takes me out, maybe to the kitchen, maybe to fix something to eat; maybe now I'm going to start tutoring; maybe she's talking to me

about when

her husband

is going

to be

coming home.

Before all of this I vaguely remember I was in this hallway or office and I'd laid my coat on the floor; maybe there were a couple of things on top of it. This

guy and maybe someone else came by; at first I thought he wouldn't step on it, but then he started stepping all over it, like he was drunk and like got his feet tangled up in it; he messed it up, spilled something on it, and then he wasn't going to clean it up; I had to go over and tell him that he was going to have to clean it up; maybe I grabbed him to make sure I got the point across. Then there was a blank; then I see the coat

over in a corner and folded. I go over and it's all

fine; then I'm in this house. taken care of the coat.

Maybe the same woman had

I'm on my bike; I'm coming up to this stretch of beach; when I get there I stop and take in the scene. It's a small river and a sandy beach like an ocean beach that runs along it. I figure I could follow it

down on my right for maybe a mile; then there is some sort of barrier like brush or something, and then it clears out again for a very long ways. While I'm

stopped there this blond girl comes up to me; she had been there. The beach makes a rise going away from the She came to offer me

water and people are sitting.

this hat, like Napoleon's made out of newspaper and very large, or something chrome and T-shaped like

handlebars for my bike. it to go along the shore.

Whatever it is I really need She asks if I want to go sit

by her; she's nice looking, maybe like Kate; I say not now, I'm going to go down the river but when I come back. When I'm with her is when I realize the

situation of the barrier down river.

She's a little I

saddened; she doesn't know if I'll really come back.

watch as she goes back to sit down to see who she's sitting with; at first it looks like she's going to sit

with a guy who would be her boyfriend, then she goes on and sits with this young boy or girl; now I realize I was waiting to see what her situation was before I got into it. Vague impression of making love with her. Then I'm walking up to this cabin; I go in and there

Then I start off.

it's like the same terrain and area. is Clair and Mega.

This isn't as clear; the cabin is

rather bare; it's like a log cabin where one can stay camping, maybe a table and a couple of old chairs and that's all. There's something about going to visit

someone, maybe who is sick and they want to know if I want to go; I think not. I look out the window or the

doorway; I still planned on going down the river, but now looking it looks like it has started raining; I can't believe it; I look again and I see it really is. I was with this one girl; we were like boyfriend and girlfriend; we hadn't got around to making love yet; she was very innocent and it was that time like the fifties. Then she got married; I don't remember Then I'm sitting on this ledge

the details very well.

with her friend, like we had just watched the wedding or something. My father seems to be talking with some The girl

of his friends across the room or clearing.

is leaving to go home and she bends around to me and starts kissing me; she wants to become a woman. Harold and those guys and I feel embarrassed I see about

kissing her.

Then I think well if she wants it I can

sure give it to her; I start kissing her back a little more vigorously but still with reserves. It's like

we're going to meet later like in the evening for a dance or something. Then I'm on this deserted suburban

street; I round this corner and start going down this other street. There are all these people out there,

like everyone that lives along the street, and most of them are lying along the curb, a bit propped up, to watch what happens in the street, like they don't have anything better to do than lie there and look at each other and anyone that might pass by. It's still the I'm going to

same atmosphere, maybe early sixties now.

go down the street and I hesitate a moment; then I think well if they're like that there's nothing I can do about it and I don't care. I'm going up this mountain road; at first it may have started out paved and two lanes but now it is one lane and gravel; it's like up above Oakridge, very cold and dark; it's like I'm going home, something like

perhaps

I

hadn't

been

accepted

down

the

hill.

Even

though I was driving, and what seemed like a small car, I get to this part in the road where I have to duck to avoid branches; I have to put my head down and I can't see where I'm going, as though I were walking through brush; then I come out a bit and I see there's snow on the road or track like I've been climbing in altitude. Having to duck and the snow I brace myself to maneuver as best I can; at first the snow doesn't seem so deep and then suddenly it's deeper and will be harder to drive on. Then I've entered into this small town.

I've stopped the car on this thoroughfare and gone into this small market. I'm going to get things for the

last leg of the voyage but I don't think I have any money or very little. I think I was going to get

something to eat. Then I've opened this little drawer. This girl is vaguely there, sort of back to my left; I'm perhaps talking to her, thinking out loud, the

things I'm going to take with me, but they seem almost like they are mine, like it's my drawer, a flashlight, and a broken flashlight that I offer to her, some other little things that I don't remember. Then I'm back out

by the car; the road was like 2 lanes each side with an

island, and I had parked on the island side, possible but illegal to park that way. I'm going to put on

warmer clothes; then it seems like I end up changing my clothes altogether, hesitating and thinking about what I want to wear. Actually home doesn't seem like that

far away but it's going to be cold and maybe a tricky route. I notice that my car is now over on the other

side of the road and pointed in the direction to go back down the hill, and it seems to me that it is out in the lane. I go to move it so no one will hit it; I

don't wonder how it got there but only I'm upset it's there dangerously. Right in here I think it's time to

use the truck, like I'd been towing a truck and now it's time to drive the truck, and I'll take the car and put it in the back of the truck. I think that's a good

idea because of the road that will probably have more snow. I have the vague idea of placing the car nose

first behind the front seats, as though it were a toy about 5 ft long, and I think about driving the truck and that it will be better on the slippery road. I'm at this school. At first I'm in the halls I

think; when it becomes clearer it seems like I'm in the gym. I've been with these friends; it's a high school

during the school day.

All I've got on is a short

sleeved shirt with long tails that just barely cover me in the best of circumstances; I'm carrying a sack en bandoulière and it catches the shirt and causes it to inch up from time to time exposing me even more. get towards the part. front office, more like on We the the

administration

There's

papers

posted

walls, a large desk with material displayed; I can't remember what these papers are on the wall, maybe exam results. There's a paper on the desk to sign up for

like this dance; I sign; I'm like the first but I don't finish signing. I put my first name and the first two

or three letters of my last name and then I move away thinking that here I'm not even of the student body and my name would be the first one. From time to time I

become conscious of my shirt and try to pull it down or adjust it, sort of wondering why I haven't been kicked out. I'm going back across the gym along one side; I

see this man in a dark suit, like security; I pass by him and then I go to this side door. and he has stopped and is I don't go out, there and

standing right

watching me, and I take the door and shut it firmly, like it was part way open and I was shutting it so it

would be locked.

I'm thinking he's not going to give

me any problems; I'm gradually realizing that I'm an imposter here, that I shouldn't be here, and much less dressed like I am. He comes up to me sort of looking

down at me and says, I recognized you, I remember you; you were the substitute at --high school or

something where he had seen me.

Then there's like the

memory of this scandal or exposure, and maybe my having been kicked out or banned. regular person with my So it starts out I'm just a alienated,

friends, gradually

until finally I'm like a sex pervert or something. I'm going into this library, like a university

library; there's a controlled entry like a turnstile with a guard; I show my card and my book request;

there's this kid; he has problems with this, like he won't let pale; me enter. He's blond, about 5'7", thin,

he seems very fanatic; he just flies off the

handle and says he's going to go get the authorities. I'm standing; maybe someone is there and they maybe say, now you've done it now you're in trouble. thinking what's the problem, this is all routine. I'm He

comes back with two people; one I recognize; he might resemble the thin reference librarian at Cal State. I

start to say what's the problem, etc.

They take me

down this hallway; it's like we're going up into the stacks and they're going to explain to me. There's

almost an impression that they're taking me to a side room like at an international frontier when one has problems. Then I'm up in the stacks. I'm taking this

plant, a leafy plant and a palm, like houseplants, and I'm bending them back around and putting the leaves in the pot; this was like my research, both plants in the same pot, nothing else around. Then there's something

about sliced fish, like that all becomes a basket of sliced fish. Then I'm back downstairs. The more

sympathetic man is now with me again; we're out on the street; it seems like the hill coming back on Pico. I've got this cart like a wire basket; it's full of what seem to be bars of soap, about knee height and about 1 1/2' by 2'. I'm rolling it along the side

walk; there's the downhill; it rolls easily but it's hard to turn because of the momentum. The man goes to

the right; the traffic light is green and I go out into the street with the cart, carried by its momentum and trying to turn right where the man had gone. We're

going to stop and talk; he's going to explain to me

what the problem had been back there.

Before I try to

turn the cart and while I'm turning I notice one bar that might fall off over the grating; it does and I hesitate but I can't stop, so I just say forget it. There's still this feeling of a fascist like person oppressing me, of being criticized for doing something wrong. The man has gone into this area of tables, like

a sidewalk cafe, like in the spring in a park like one would find in Paris or Disneyland, something like that. I see him go up to his family, like a boy, a girl and his wife. Maybe like explaining briefly what had

happened.

I realize that he had perceived there was a

problem with that first young man and had more or less taken care of it on his own, that is he seems to be off work; I'm a little surprised that he's here in this, and I'm going there, pushing the little cart towards the tables. I'm with this girl in her apartment; I like her a lot but she doesn't like me so much. has a boyfriend. Somehow maybe we I want her. start She

petting,

perhaps I've coerced her somehow. the street, on the sidewalk.

Then we're out on

She is naked; I bend her

over backwards; it's the small blond that dances, the

one with the earrings. almost like Hawkin's

It's in the suburbs, it seems Heights. We're like rolling

around, but we're not really touching the sidewalk, at least I don't feel it, almost like we're suspended. From time to time I sense the presence of people in the street, cars going by or someone walking, but I don't care. What I want is her sex, I want to eat her;

sometimes I manage to brush it with my lips, touch it but we're twisting around, like she's not sure if she's going to let me and twists away. I touch it again and

maybe again and she starts to soften, and I start to suck her. Then after a moment I start to feel selfconscious, that people are stopping and someone might call the authorities. Very soft and erotic.

I've gone to this woman's apartment; it's large, very white, new. singing, at first There are two guys with her; one is I think it's Spanish, then after He's

listening for a while I realize it's Portuguese. singing snatches of Brazilian samba, but he

doesn't

speak Portuguese and what he sings he has learned just by listening, so he sings these little bits. Meanwhile

I'm in this bathroom or dressing room, hallway before the bedroom and I'm filling up this paper bag with

rubber bands;

it's like

a lunch

bag and

the rubber

bands are normal; I don't know why I'm getting them; I fill two or three; the last one I decide that I don't need and so I dump it back out into the drawer. two young men it's are not leaving, clear; going they to a fair The or I'm

something,

won't

stay.

listening to his phrases and I fix a couple for him; I say wouldn't it be this, I remember one of the words was flores, it was just basic logic that it should go there. This I kind of like because then I'll be with

this woman; I see her across the living room; she is sitting on this large white sofa, a blond, very rich and beautiful. I ask her if we're going to go

somewhere or do something, or I realize that we're not going to go anywhere or do anything and I think that will be nice, to be alone with her. We will just very

slowly get to know each other almost like we're going to live together and we have a very long time; we could go hours without even talking. I'm up on this hill in a park with Kathy; there's a view; we're making love; she's young. This goes on I

for a while, in intimacy, then it is time to go.

think for a moment who was taking care of her girls

then

I

think

they

are

old

enough

to

take

care

of

themselves.

She says it's time to go.

I need to rest

for a second before I see my other girlfriend, and I think about Dio for a second. Then we're on this bus,

like going out Third Street; we've made a rendezvous for the next day, to meet at the pool table at noon. I

was supposed to get off the bus a ways further, but I see it coming up on Third and La Brea so I say I'll get off here. I'm in that box where the door opens, but it

doesn't and I need to ask the driver; for a second I imagine him not stopping and me getting dragged along the street; as I'm getting off I'm thinking about the rendezvous. I remember I can't remember the details and then when I start wondering which tavern, because

there are three in Creswell; I try to think which one would be the most likely; I think about calling her house, that is where her mother lives, but I decide it's probably a certain tavern; now I don't know which but in the dream I was satisfied. Then I'm thinking

about the prospect of walking home from where I got off the bus and that will give me a chance to get her out of my system. like for Then car I'm going through a this large I'm

garage,

repair,

like

dealer.

thinking I can tell her, Dio, that I took the car in for repairs, but it's pretty late. Then I'm sort of in

the apartment, sort of because it never really takes on a lot of consistency. I'm realizing that she's not I

there because she's working late and I'm relieved.

think about fixing something to eat, but don't imagine anything further. a stone monument Then I'm going up these stairs, like or something like the esplanade

overlooking the Place de la Concorde. I'm thinking how nice it is to have Kathy back; then I think that I have Dio too and I'm quite content. Then I'm working in

this small grocery store, like checking; it's an old convenience store; out the window, maybe one can see a high school football field. All these girls come in, I know them, one

like two groups of about five or ten.

blond that reminds me of Leona, and she's also a lover. No one buys anything and they get all bunched up at the door going out and at the counter. get going. I say come on let's

In the dream I had I think three lovers and The best part was up in the

it seemed to be working.

park with Kathy, very idyllic. First I'm on this large college campus; I don't remember this clearly. Then I've gone to this little

private school, maybe to look for someone. like an eastern religious retreat; they

It's almost are wearing

these like baggy pajamas; I notice this after, when I'm wearing them. At first I'm going up stairs to look for

this person, maybe a girl; I go up one flight, the construction is very cheap, of thin plywood, only about four little rooms per floor. Then I see another flight

of stairs over to one side, small and narrow, going up to the last floor; someone else is there also thinking about taking it. I go up and get to the last floor;

it's like someone is watching me now, and I look around the floor, go down the little hall; there's one door a little open but no one around. Then it's like I'm

going down these stairs outside, stone or cement and wide, like part of a garden; this is very nice,

grandiose and beautiful.

Now it's like I'm going to

this school but I really haven't registered, like I've been assisting the classes for a day or two but I

haven't talked to the director lady yet; some classes maybe I've missed because of my other classes at the university. visitors. everyone is Then I see that the students have

I'm going down these stairs, narrower, and going up them, the students with their

parents.

At the bottom is father and mother; they are

the last ones because she is sick and they don't want to intermingle; she looks fine. room. I go into this small

I'm thinking about whether I really want to join

this school; I'm going to have to see the director. I'm changing clothes and putting on this like pajama bottom like they wear there; it is very thin cotton and has drawstrings front and back; I glimpse some little specks of blood on the bottom of the left leg. I

realize that I was wearing one layer and it was see through and I should have been wearing another with it; I feel embarrassed for a second, then sort of think it serves them right; I sort of move around in the room to check out how the pajama feels; it's very light and I like it, and then I realize the part about I'm going to have to put on another layer. I'm a little

apprehensive about seeing the director, like I haven't been doing my work; my excuse is that I was going to the other school. Then I'm going out, perhaps now I'm

going to accompany my parents on the tour. I think this starts off in a bazaar, like in the east, a fair. this person. I'm with this girl and we're looking for They are going to help us out, bail us

out of our financial difficulties.

We find him; he is

in like a booth; we talk to him and he is giving us advice; he is saying that she would paint my portrait very quickly and then pin it up and it would make

money; then he like takes my head.

Maybe I remember

him showing these quick brush strokes; then he's saying you could put a pin in one side of my head and another in the other side and that would create a style, a novelty, and doing that these pictures would sale; he was almost funny demonstrating putting the pins in,

very exaggerated, almost like a mime, but very quickly, and now thinking I guess it would resemble Frankenstein with the pins in the side of his head. After this demo

I'm thinking if I could actually be a subject for this type of painting; I think that maybe it would work, maybe it would sale. Then I see us in this small Asian

country making money thus; my companion would mix more with the habitants, almost mixing in with them; for a minute I worry about her identity, not abstractly but like she would get lost; maybe they would hide her; I think about this quickly and graphically but the

meaning is abstract.

Perhaps before all of this we're

going to like this cocktail party in a beach house,

perhaps like in a fifties movie.

Later after the demo

I think maybe I could help her too, make some paint strokes myself, because I saw her doing most of the mixing with the outside world and like taking most of the risk. Everything passed quickly and vaguely; she

seemed dark haired, maybe like an eastern gypsy, sort of an oriental mix. I'm least really it going goes out back It's with to this that the girl, time, prom maybe she Kathy, is at

but and

never is

clear.

like

everyone

waiting around for a bus or something alongside the street. Then across the street we see this group of

people; I think it's students from the junior high who are going, and they start to cross the street; there's some adults with them. Then Kathy and I are walking up a hill on the other side of the street; we had crossed the street and now we're on the side from which the group came. We're going up a slight hill on the

sidewalk; behind us a ways are Bruce and Gail. We turn right to go down this side road to my car. I ask her

if there was anyone she'd like to see more of and she says sure everyone; this is like to see what one is going to do afterwards; I think I plan on meeting with

Bruce and Gail after.

I think about her response for a We get to my

second; I don't come to a conclusion.

car; it's parked in the street in front of this little shop with small dirty windows; then it seems like it's parked on the opposite side of the road going in the other direction. I go up to it; maybe Kathy is looking

at the left front tire; it looks like the rim is bent a little and the tire has a gash. In just a few seconds

a lot of sensations pass; I reach out and touch the gash; it feels softer but the tire isn't flat, in fact the tire is very soft, like an inner tube; I realize that it's more or less a balloon tire, and a wide rim. I'm thinking that it's a dune buggy sort of car; I have a sensation of déjà-vu, like I know the car, knew it from before, like it was already in the dream. I think

that the tire will be alright but later I will have to fix it; it's an older car like late forties was one impression, the other that it was a cheap dune buggy; anyway I had just got it recently. I'm perhaps still a

little torn between what this girl wants or thinks and my own thing, like she thinks my car is old and she wants to be with more other people later, and I guess I

probably don't and I like the car and this is still vaguely bothering me. The dream starts what I remember. I was free out Then

in the streets, maybe shopping, maybe on my bike.

I run into this friend like Bruce; we end up at my place. I'm kind of reluctant to socialize; I'm finding At first it seems like Bruce but it seems like Jeff; Dio and

it all rather boring. then as time goes on

Sheri's presence are vaguely felt.

He is taking this

king playing card and putting it into this slot in the computer on the side and it goes in and goes around like on a typewriter carriage sort of mechanism and the computer will make an image of it. and like I'm at his place. It seems like his,

He's talking about how it

used to be that lots of people came to him for writing tips, but now hardly anyone. I say it's because he

doesn't have as many friends as before, like before he still had all his friends from high school. He starts to object, saying that was from Alaska or something and they weren't around any more. it was the mode at the Then I start to say that to write; anyway I'm

time

feeling bored; I look at the clock; at first I think it's noon then I see it's about three and I think I'll

probably have to put together something for dinner for them. Before this I was with Dio on our bikes. We go

to this shop, like a plant shop.

We get there and I I

start to lock up my bike but the lock isn't there.

start yelling for Dio but at first she's not around. This worker at the shop is saying I can just leave them like that, both Dio's and mine are there. arrives but she doesn't have the cord Finally Dio to put them

together. leave.

Finally I get too upset and mad and so I

On the street like coming down from Pico I see

this person I know, probably Bruce, and then I decide to stop and go talk to them. My timing of the traffic

doesn't work and I end up out in the middle of the street with traffic going by in each direction, no

middle lane just the center line, then finally I get through. I've come home like from Europe. I remember

mother asking me if I like it better here now or there. I say they can't be compared, that they are really two completely different things. Then I'm waiting or I'm

sleeping; I have a car; I think I'm sleeping and the car is parked outside. are moving it. When I wake I realize that they

It's like I'm staying with relatives,

like cousins or something but none I know.

Before all

of this I vaguely remember a scene talking to Harold. I look out the window and I see that someone needs to get out and that my car was in the way, but it wasn't really, they just weren't very smart about it. I go

Everything is quick and vague, a sort of flurry.

outside; I see my car and this pickup; the pickup still needs to get out, but then there's a pause or gap and a skip in the logic, and now it's like my car was stuck and they are going to pull it out or pull it to move it. Then I see very clearly that it is mired up to the The

frame in mud in this ditch like next to a road.

front end is all bashed in; this part I realize in two or three takes, first one vaguely, then repassing with more clarity; first I notice the hood's crimped up; then I realize that it's been all bashed in, and I go running outside, like I'm going what the hell, etc.; all in silence though. Then I'm like told that Blake

did it when he came to tow it, like some how he just ran into it. It is totaled. I am very upset. It is

raining pretty heavily. to set me up with

I'm thinking someone will have car; I'm thinking it'll

another

probably be Harold and that he'll just have to work it out with Blake. This very long sequence where I need to go to the bathroom. First I find out where I have to go. I have

to walk a long ways across this field.

Then there's

these sheds, almost like a chicken shed, these little cubicles, almost like one on top of the other, the

wood, like slats. One looks empty, I open the door and look to see if there's toilet paper, just a little on a roll. I also look at the seat to see if that's

alright, it's okay, so I go to look for toilet paper. I think to look in the other cubicles, but now they all look like they're occupied; I can see people's feet through the slats, almost at eye level it seems; then I notice this door over to the right of the whole affair. I'm a bit surprised because it seems like a closet

door, like in a house, a gold colored door knob with a twist-like lock in the knob like one would see on the inside of a bathroom door. The lock seems like it Just as

would be open; it should be on the other side.

I'm opening the door this woman comes out, like a maid or janitor; it's a closet for janitorial supplies I see. She wonders what I want and I say toilet paper.

She goes and gets me some and hands it to me but it isn't toilet paper at all but something else, strips of paper, I can't remember now; I say oh no this won't work, and sort of motion with my head back to the back of the room where I see part of a roll on the wall on a nail. She gets it and comes back; she comes out. Now

I'm a little self-conscious because it seems like she's going to hang around. Now there seems like another

girl there too and I see Dio coming across the field. I think she's going to be upset and she's going to think not to leave me alone because every time I'm

alone there starts to be girls around.

I go back into

this cubicle; I start to take off my clothes; it seems like I have a lot. There's a pile on the bench and

another pile on the other side and then on the floor. Then I realize that there are someone else's clothes there; the floor is covered. I start to make a spot

there where the toilet is; it's like an outhouse; I move some clothes on the floor and it seems like

there's water underneath.

But then I see that it's not

water but that the cubicle is in motion and that I'm looking down like from a train. a bit. Then this man comes This only surprises me in, like the FBI or

something; he says not to pay any attention to him but I'm really bothered by his presence, and now it seems like he's taking me into custody, but I'm going to go to the bathroom. First I'm at the lake; I'm looking out over the water to this other shore like not too far away. It

seems like this person has a farm there; I see him, he's got this cord attached to this little animal that he's pulling from the water like he's fished it from there. brown I keep looking, it seems like a little light furry animal; it seems to be hopping like a

kangaroo.

Then I think it must be a baby kangaroo.

Then I see the mother coming after it, so it was sort of used to bring the mother in. Then the man is taking

this cord and wrapping it around the animal to tie it up. shore. Then there are more animals hopping along the

I have the vague impression that what the man Then

is doing is illegal or immoral or somehow wrong.

I'm talking to this other person; I start to explain what is going on over there. He says those are

chickens aren't they; I say look closer, what do you see. Then there is one of the animals, medium size, right in front of us; we are vague but the animal is

clearer.

I ask is that feathers or fur, and the person

feels it, and says well it feels like fur but it's coarse, and it almost feels like feathers. next scene it's like I'm I'm in this out Then the It's water,

backyard. this

getting

late.

watching

across

maybe this lighthouse, and I see this man there, like working quite a ways away. says he is only going to I'm thinking a writer that work till five in the

afternoon is not going to be a good writer, or maybe this is the message I get. It's getting cold and I

don't have any other clothes to put on, like only a Tshirt and jeans; I can't go in for some reason, so I think to lie in my sleeping bag, and I do that and then it vaguely seems like there are other people there, like a sort of slumber party or something. inside; there are these people in this Then I'm room, it's

pretty crowded, like a party or something.

I'm sitting

on this couch or bed sort of thing; Dio is like next to me, and most of the other people seem to be sitting on the floor in front of us. I don't really take in the

situation; I don't really realize where I'm sitting, nor that Dio is sitting there. There's a black man

more or less in the center of the floor, who reminds me

of a person at Cal State, only more athletic; he is looking my way and he starts to make this face, and then he flirting starts to woman, mimic this then I attitude, like realize that a coy, not

and

he's

looking at me but at Dio and he's mocking her manner. I get mad and stand up and say something like either he stops or I punch him; he stands up, it seems like he wants to fight more than me, like he was just waiting for some little provocation. I've both fists doubled

and up ready to go; he says something like you want to fight look at you, and I say this is defense. I open

my hands, still holding them up at head level, in a manner to show a defensive gesture. For a second I

imagine fighting with him; he would be fast I get the impression. I'm The scene starts to defuse. and it's night; there's a wind;

outside

there's going to be an invasion of aliens and I'm part of the defense. It's like my mental and emotional We're

state back when I was ten or twelve I imagine.

waiting for them to attack, but then I decide I don't want to do this; I don't know if I get scared or if I just want to go home. I leave; then it's like I'm

crossing backyards; then I'm in my backyard.

I think

it's raining; I feel harassed. like for tether ball.

There's a pole, I think

Then these boys, with that kid

from Fairfax who is always cutting up; they catch me and they won't let me go in; they are making fun but it's more serious than that because of the invasion; I want to go inside where presumably it'll be safe.

Finally they let me go; maybe there's my bike that I'm pushing. Vaguely it seems like I get tangled up in I get them off of me I remember the

these strips, like of a maypole.

and head for the house, the back door.

motion of sweeping either the rain or the strips off of my face. Now I'm on a bus, like a military bus; they've recruited me like a reserve to fight the aliens. bus has curtains. it; we're going The

I'm going to take a shower inside to take turns; everyone goes out

including me.

Then

I decide

I want

something like

perhaps soap, I try to go back in through the window but that won't work. confusion. There's a lot of movement and

I try to go in through a side door, maybe I get this something like maybe a I'm inside and the curtains are I

an emergency exit. ball of soap, then

drawn; I'm taking off my clothes to take the shower.

guess I take it, then I start drying off.

Then it's

like I've slipped or laid down on my back; it vaguely seems like I'm lying on these dark colored curtains. At first I think I don't want people maybe women to see me nude, but then I think it doesn't matter, and there might even have passed a vague impression of

exhibitionism, maybe linked with the crisis.

Then it's

like I've entered into the military camp, like the bus has arrived at it's destination. I'm outside and

looking up at the sky, there's a full moon and on it I see this dark shadow like a bird; then the bird starts to change shape and the moon dissolves; the bird starts like flying, changing shape still, becoming more and more elongated. I'm thinking how amazing that they can Then I ask myself or

do this, how great a power.

whoever is around me if anyone has seen them yet, are there pictures of them on the news, but apparently not. I think in the end they will probably think it was better to have kept their distance and communicated

with us thus.

It seems they are very social in that For a second I

they want to subsume any individuals.

think that despite appearances we might win out in the end, just exactly for that, the individuality, and I

think they'll probably regret having gotten so close, and that it would probably have been more fruitful to have kept their distance. ocean; I'm on the beach. Then suddenly I'm at the

I see these waves, three in a Then these kids arrive; I

row, very big and well shaped.

one young one jumps in and starts swimming out.

start to get panicky, ask if he can handle these waves, these big ones. Someone says yes, no problem. I

watch, a big one passes, he goes in under it and his head shows up on top behind the crest, and I see he's fine. I'm with my cousin, maybe Dennis, maybe generic; we're going to build a house and we've gone to buy the materials, as simple as that; I think the whole ticket comes to $5000; then we come back with the materials and start work, but it's getting too late or I get tired house. and so next thing I know I'm in my cousin’s I

They ask where's he and I say still working.

realize now that the house is going to be next to this one, sort of on the other side of the driveway. now that there isn't very much room. notice where it was before. this. I see

I guess I didn't

Now I regret getting into

I think maybe I miscalculated and didn't buy

material for as large a house as I thought, and that way it would work out all right. Before this I'm with

this girl, maybe a cousin also, very thin dark hair; we're sitting on the bed and talking; somehow I manage to kiss her on the face; she takes it sort of as a friendly kiss and almost a lover's kiss. that she accepted it. to go further later. in there's my I'm surprised

It feels like there will be room At my cousin's house when I come Mega and she I seems go quite the

grandmother late and

young.

It's

I'm

tired

and

to

bathroom. While I'm going to the bathroom I'm thinking about Mega and how she can't be that young. this woman replacement. must be another, a sort of I think

surrogate or

I realize that this isn't a toilet I'm

going to the bathroom in but sort of a metal trash can set up as a portable toilet, apparently because there's no plumbing in the room; I think maybe that's why

they're interested in building the house, and they take it and dump it when they need to. Out in the kitchen

at some time I say I'm really no longer interested in building the house. My cousin still hasn't come in. I get the impression

It has started to rain heavily. that he really wants to work.

I think it was Harold's

instigation in the first place and he can just take responsibility for the whole thing. there was a section about parking Before coming in this car. There

wasn't much room to get it in between these others. I'm arguing with a person, maybe a cousin because I don't think they've parked it in far enough. they do it again, side. muddy. Finally

almost hits one of the cars on the it seems like it's raining and

Then outside

I think to put blocks behind the wheels so it

won't roll away even though I don't remember it being on an incline before for some reason. Now I'm using

this logic; I'm looking for pieces of wood that will work, and not so big as usually one thinks, because they aren't around and I think they really don't have to be that big. and he finds The person with me is looking now also one or two, bigger and better. I'm

putting mine in behind the back wheels; one board when I start to put it in I see its all splintered and thin. I would have thought that the house we were building was further away from the other but I realize it's The

right next to the other when I'm in the house.

next scene I'm in this cafeteria and I've sat down at this table to eat. I'm a builder. These two blond

guys sit down also; they are soldiers I think but they don't seem very soldier like or military. I might start to talk to them. I remember the one's blond mustache There is and the

that seems to be growing in every which way. some rivalry, maybe between the builders

soldiers, but it isn't clear. This dream happened very quickly; it seems like I'm saying goodbye to this girl at the door of my

apartment.

There's a lot of scenes that flash through

her; we're necking and she won't give it to me; this has been going on for a while; she is very young. thinking I'm going to do away with her I'm

because she

makes it so I can't think. The apartment is a mess; I look around it after she's left, and I think it's like a lot of people have been here. I think of all the

programs stacked up that I haven't got to, their names or the diskettes stacked. and I see three Then I go into the bathroom kinds of papers to roll

different

cigarettes and joints in the toilet, and I get mad at her because she threw them in there, like in spite at me because I'd kicked her out. Then I'm thinking about

taking the papers out of the covers, like she'd ruined the covers and I'm going to take about half the papers

out and save them that way, but not because the covers were wet, but like they'd been mutilated, but the ones that pass through the sequence in my hand aren't

mutilated at all; it's just I'm thinking about taking the papers out, nothing to do with being wet or

mutilated; then I'm thinking I won't see her any more and things reading. It's like I'm waiting for the family to come back from this funeral; it's like this high tech parking, electric cars that come in and go around, up these will calm down and I'll do some serious

layers, almost like a hive; they come back, Harold, Ralph, Blake, maybe. It seems like Ralph is the

bereaved person; it seems like I'm on foot and I join them, sort of in this high tech bar, all flush

mountings, black on grey; this all is happening quickly without me noticing how modern it is or that it's a dream. I go in hesitantly. Ralph is sitting back in

the back like on this cushion, sitting very reclined and back. It seems like he is sort of like with this I want to express

punk kid and I'm a little surprised.

my condolences, and I'm told to take it easy or somehow I get this message. I walk over to him and maybe I sit

down.

Then there's a sequence where he is with this

priest, a man like Harold Goddell, only young and thin; they have been together through this like and he is saying quietly to Ralph, I know you want to kiss me to say goodbye, I know it's a natural feeling but you

can't because then you will like the warmth and you might want more, like affection he is expressing, and with these people all here this will not be right, like such exclusive expression. scene before at the This is also déjà-vu from a that I didn't see as

funeral

clearly and that is repassing. I'm with a girl; it seems like Gail; we're walking in this park or woods; it's very green and pretty. We're

We've stopped and are sitting on a big log. having an artistic discussion.

I am going out with her

on the side; we haven't done anything yet, just being together brushing each other from time to time. She

leans over backwards from the log, her head down, like one does on monkey bars. I try to hold her with my legs and she says I don't need to. We're still talking now about being really aware; I say like for example this instant. That's fine, she can be really aware, but it She

can't go on forever, it will have to loosen up.

raises up her body and comes against me; she starts crawling up over me, and she starts to kiss me. I'm

thinking for a second if I should tell her I'm living with another woman. I'm very clumsy with her, through

hesitation, and she seems like Dio and I go to kiss her like Dio but she's not Dio and I have to adjust my manner, but she does seem like Dio when she starts

coming on to me. I was driving on the freeway; I'd left my Then

girlfriend and I was supposed to meet her later. I'm stopped. get into

It seems like I've promised her not to these throwing battles again. I'm

any of

doing good, standing on this sort of hill overlooking the freeway, but then these two kids come by down there and they see me and they start throwing things at me. I start ducking at first, worrying if they should hit me; then I start looking for things to throw back at them, little rocks and dirt clods. throwing back they're surprised. When I first start

I almost hit one, the

younger or the blonder one; he ducks behind this tree root. Then I decide that it's gotten too hot and plus I start to jump out of the car The

it's time for me to go.

like it's a convertible and I was standing in it.

traffic is bumper to bumper and the idiot won't stop even though he's got no place to go so I have to wait for him to pass and then go after him. Then I walk

into this room, maybe a classroom, maybe an exposition. I see the two boys over to one side, sort of glimpse them and I think that's cool, and I go over and kiss my girl and sit down at her table; I'm a little in trouble because I'm late. I can't remember the sequence to get here but

there's about three of us in the back of a pickup; we're kids, we're going to have to do something, maybe like chores; we're complaining. I think what my

granddad said when I said, like John doesn't have to do that, and he laughed and he said, well maybe he

doesn't, but John isn't you.

I was thinking these were Another boy says would say or

actually words of wisdom about life. that said. sounds like something his

father

I had moved back to the house in Eugene; it still hadn't sold. any work. door. I'd finished college but I couldn't find

At first I opened it up slowly, the front like one of the first days of summer.

It's

Whoever had lived in it had changed the landscaping

quite a bit; the yard is quite a bit larger, new trees have been added, maples it seems like interspersed in firs. It's really not the same house at all except Then this car drives up in front It's the lady realtor.

maybe the basic idea.

and I go out to see who it is.

I think she has her husband with her too and this old German couple who want to look at the house. She is

affected by the depression too she says, if everyone would pay her that owe her money. around the yard. They are out walking

There seems to be a small hill in the Gradually I decide to go about catching some

front, much more terrain. outside, maybe

there's something

sun, getting sun burnt.

I'm thinking about staying

there; she asks me about it and I say I would need work; maybe I add just like everyone else. Then it

seems like I go around back. The yard has really been completely changed. Dio and I are going to visit my parents; maybe to get some of my stuff, like I had just recently moved out. We're going up this street which most resembles Todd. This blond boy passes us running, short hair. When we

For some reason I seem to think he's a punk.

get to my parent’s house he is waiting to go in the

house next door just before theirs and another boy lets him in, glass entry area, loud music is playing. At my

parents it seems very chic, modern; maybe one descends a bit from the street to the entry, nothing like what they've ever had; nice rock wall, sliding glass doors, garden stones, secluded. There's about three doors

along the wall, entries to the kitchen, living, etc. Dio tries one doorbell away but it doesn't living work; it I try

another

further

from

the

and

works.

Maybe it's my mother who comes and answers.

She isn't I

clear; Dio isn't ever clear either, vague presences. say I'm going to my room to get something.

I go in,

now it's like a study; there's no bed, which was a single. wall. I look around; maybe I notice pictures on the Then I hear this noise. I look out the window

or door; the two boys have this music blaring from a pickup and they are putting this boat into a lake. I think they think they are very cool but the boat seems more like a row boat than anything. rock and row. The music is plain

There might be other kids with them,

like maybe their girlfriends. I'm driving up in the mountains. it's been a little logged off, It looks like and brush,

stumps

terrain like Oregon. car.

I have an old beat-up Japanese Sometimes the

Dio and Ralph seem to be with me.

roads are dirt track. are up here seeing

It has snowed recently and we it seems like later. I want to

the sights

Right now just driving aimlessly it seems.

go over on the other side of the valley it vaguely seems like. Maybe there's a sled run or something. I

take this road that is almost overgrown. splotchy.

The snow is

The car doesn't actually slide as much as I I go through these trees, very close I don't Finally I

think it would.

to the car; it just barely squeezes through. seem to care very much if I hit anything.

come up dead against a small stub of cut off tree. We've gotten out and are walking around. into this family there. We've run

They are talking to them; they

are Eskimos it turns out and enjoying themselves very much because the weather reminds them of home; it turns out it isn't Oregon but southern California and there's been this cold wave, very extraordinary. The place

feels like it's just north of L.A. but someone mentions Mendocino. It starts snowing more and I start worrying

about the car, and decide it's time to go or go move it, like maybe to the main road. I go to the car; I'm

waiting for them to come. holding the brake pedal

Then I'm in the back seat with my foot, surprisingly They

there's one back there, and waiting for them.

don't come; I start to get impatient; then they finally come and this group of Indians it seems like is with them, four or five or six, maybe not the same as the others. They all get in the car and there's no room.

Then Ralph and I are behind the car and he's got this big suitcase that he wants to put in the car. I say

it's got to go in the trunk and go to open it; then he puts it in; then I'm back where I was in the back seat. I can't get out because if I take my foot off the break the car will start going forward. Finally I get mad

and shove my way out and start pulling people out of the car. there. It seems like I manage to get them out of Then I'm like sitting in the same terrain,

maybe looking out, and I'm still a little upset about all the hassles. Someone comes up, a vague presence,

and explains that all the trouble was because they said Rety was serious but her operation was not. Apparently

Rety was with us, a girl from high school, and she had been with someone or some of them sexually, that was the serious part, like she was seriously involved with

them;

the

part

about

the

operation

meant

that

she

hadn't had the sex change operation and still had her penis. that we They then thought in the logic of the dream were all game for sexual things when that

wasn't the case. I can't remember very well. I was seeing Kathy;

it seems like she came down from the north to visit me, and now someone is asking me what I'm going to do this weekend and I say nothing, I say I'm seeing Leona and some other girl, but now I can't remember her name, but they really aren't giving out, sort of like friends; so I dropped I'm everything just when to Kathy stay came at down. I This think

weekend

going

home.

Saturday and Sunday at home and I think that might be boring. I think about calling one of the girls but I Then there's a sequence about this book I I see this disposition;

don't know.

wanted but it's not there.

apparently up until a certain time this summer it was there; the paper had the date marked on it, but then it was sent out on an interlibrary loan and it never came back. I can't remember what the book was, but it was

sent to this place, and they didn't know exactly where, but it was between these two addresses, and I picture a

place over by Robertson and the 10 freeway, somewhere in between them, a freeway overpass. I am outside on the street in front of a house, maybe Brookhurst or Todd, it's not clear. leaving, but then Anita comes out; Maybe I'm with my

she was

folks. I wanted to see her and I like motion to her and she starts to come over. I'm a little happy but I have Then

misgivings because I think I'm with another girl. a long blank.

Then it seems like I'm on this stage, I'm working with

wooden like a high school auditorium. this big computer.

This guy comes around, maybe some

relation with Anita, maybe not, and he won't leave me alone. Finally I start menacing him with these kitchen

utensils, like that are stored in these boxes stacked high around. almost crying. leaves, At first it's not exactly clear, and he but then he comes back again almost

I take this little peeler and when he comes

near I scratch him, I think on the arm. I'm saying god he just won't go away, when are you going to get the picture, I don't want you around, etc. Finally he says

something like he wants a picture of the pickup that I have on the computer, a color picture graphic. oh is that all you want. I say

I feel sorry for him; he's so

sad and crying and upset.

I say why didn't you just

say so I would have given it to you, no problem; and I go to get it for him; I say I'll just make a copy for him. This is very vague. a large boat. are thinking of We've gone up this fleuve in

The trip has taken some days; and now we about going out back and out. it is There being is a

possibility

walking

thought

about, but already the movement has begun to go out, on the boat. I was going to school. Somehow it was arranged I start doing this.

that I should deliver Franz bread.

I pick up the truck at Creswell; deliver the bread in two places, maybe both of them branches of Shoprite, and then I leave the truck. Someone apparently picks This

up the truck each day and takes it to the bakery. goes on for a while.

I'm talking to the Oroweat girl

one day at the store and I say that I've never even talked to them. They hired me and I still haven't even

seen them; I just deliver, I say. She says well you must be doing something right, you're selling seven

hundred loaves a day.

I decide to follow the route Then I'm walking in this

after I would have left it.

orchard run by Mexicans and I'm crossing it, going down a row between the trees, the store. is nice orchard. Then I'm at This

Then I go back the same way I came. the route of the truck which

supposedly

roughly

supposedly corresponds with the Creswell segment of the Cottage Grove run. I realize that they've just taken I start to wonder why. me needing the money, Then like

that part out of the run. there's some part about

being a college student. On the way back through the orchard I saw the workers; someone was spraying and I had to avoid him, almost like I went running by.

Epilogue, one year later

This blond high school girl, not real blond, not real pretty, but very nice. She has come over to my

place, it seems like she has brought friends but they only stay in the background. tumbling together on the couch. she was accepting my touches; For a moment we were I was surprised that my lips even brushed

hers.

I said something like I almost gave her a kiss She got up

and she didn't get mad which surprised me. off of the couch.

I was worried that she would get

bored and offered that she could listen to music or watch TV. She wanted the remote control. I am

thinking that for the music there isn't one, and she probably doesn't want to listen to music, but rather watch TV. We can't find the remote. I see the other

two but not the one for the TV.

I start to say well

you really don't need it to watch the TV, but it seems that she wants it. I have a table or a commode, but it isn't very sturdy and so I'm taking it to get it fixed in the car; it is a long ways but I want to take it to this guy who I know because I think he will fix it right. into this industrial part of town. I get up

The roads are all

encased in concrete, high concrete walls; there is a lot of traffic like a rush hour, and it is rather

chaotic, like at one point there is a car coming right at me; there is a car to my right going in the same direction as mine so I start to veer to the left to miss the oncoming car and then I decide to go right and just find enough room to get through. I arrive at the

place, rough and seedy, like a wrecking yard rather than a shop. it along with I take the table or commode out and haul me because I don't want to leave it

there.

I come through this doorway and there's about 3 I ask if so and so is there and I tell them. They I feel the top

guys moving around.

they say no; they ask what I want. say I should just glue it.

I say yea.

of the table and I see that it could come off and I could glue it fine; I move it around, but I tell them I wanted this guy to fix it because I knew he would

really do a good job.

I take the table back out, more My Camaro has got a

or less resolved to fix it myself.

huge dent in the back, the trunk and the fender, like someone has hit it with a sledgehammer, like they just did it and left, like they were part of those guys inside. I was subbing, this very big room, like a shop that had been converted to book learning. The teacher,

I think a woman and I think she had been explaining things to me and then she left. No students, like I Then suddenly students and

was just supposed to watch over things. there's all these people in the room,

teachers, and they're going through everything to take things. I look for an intercom switch and see two

toggle switches at different points on the wall; I go over to the one of them and say if they don't leave I

will call in the police.

They keep on; I ask if anyone

is supposed to be there; a teacher looks at me and nods no. I toggle the intercom and almost immediately there

is like this principal woman and everyone is running out. black. outside. the food. in them Then the lights go out and it is completely

I make my way out to the hallway and then Then I'm in the faculty lunch room; I look at There's these pastry shells with maybe tuna and I think about getting it but then I

remember that I brought my lunch and it's in the room. I think about eating my lunch for dinner but then I think that the sandwich would be too old. I go back;

the hallway is like an entry so that one opens one set of doors and then there is another set; the lights are still off and I can't go in; maybe it's locked, maybe it's too dark; then the lights come back on and I go in; I find a light switch and turn it on. It's not

near as messy as I thought it was going to be, my eyes sweep the room like I'm looking, remembering where I had left my lunch. Now it's like a big bedroom; The maybe

there's a bed in the center of the wood floor. comforters are on the floor to one side;

there's a large wooden desk to the other side, like

where it was before.

I wasn't surprised by the change

at all except it seemed very neat and clean considering that there had been the crowd in there, like it wasn't a school room at all. Maybe at the same place as before; for a while I thought I was remembering other parts of the same I was

dream, but now I think it was a different one.

at this one school or in this building like a Parisian lycée and I come out and across the street there is this other school. They ask me to come over and take over this French class. In the class I hear the

headmaster interviewing through the thin wall; he is yelling at the interviewee impatiently because his

French is not very good.

I'm thinking he didn't cross-

examine me like that, and that I thought the interviews were over a week ago. A couple of students on a sofa,

girls, call me over and explain or I understand that he didn't do that with me because he knew my French was good. Then I'm sitting deep down on the sofa with my

arm around one of the girls and the other sitting so close she is touching me and we are just taking it easy; it is darkish and very laid back. Then I'm

leaving and out in the parking lot; I can't get the

gate open; someone has stuffed like a sweatshirt or a jacket in the opening so that it's stuck; these girls, perhaps the same ones, help me pull it out and then open the gate. There was some sort of complication of

one or two little doors or vents across the top and there was clothing stuffed in there also, and it seemed like now it was a thick dark wooden wall. They ask me

what I would teach if I came back and I say French of course and they nod. and full-bodied. I went to the Monday class for the test. I got my They seem like brunettes, tallish

directions confused, upset by talking with someone; and I couldn't find King Hall; finally I got oriented when I saw through a corridor a fence on the north side. I

figured out I was in the middle of the complex, a big concrete complex, and then looked east and saw where I needed to go. This didn't really resemble King Hall Then I'm sitting in the

but it felt right at the time.

class room waiting; no one comes; then I think I'm in the wrong class room. Then I feel cold; I dig in my

pack for a t-shirt; a pair of shorts comes out and I start to put them on; they are a little heavier than the skimpy ones I'm wearing. Then someone almost comes

in; then it turns out the shorts are actually longer and more like pants. I stop and get out the t-shirt;

maybe that person had told me; now I perceive that I'm in the wrong room and so I go to the right one. I get

there but now it's a park on a hill side like the one in Malibu, the camp. Everyone is sitting around in I go up in the

various spots waiting to take the test.

back, like in the back of these bleachers, and on the edge of this class room where the wall would be but it's not, but open. This girl comes; I don't know her,

she's a little large, plain; she acts like she's going to take the test. I gather that she's taking the same

class but in a different section and that's what she says. Then she starts saying not to sit by me or talk

to me because I'll start pestering for answers and I won't leave the person alone, like she knows how I am. Then I go to get my test; this is down there amongst like the picnic tables where most of the other students are; as I'm going down there a bunch of students on my right get up and leave; I see now by their costumes, manners and bits of conversation that they're part of a Shakespeare stage. troupe I'm and are going into from this there little to the

Then

entering

student

store.

Someone else is already bringing back his test Apparently the teacher left everything there I see scantron forms on

finished.

and we turn it in there also.

the counter but I can't get there because that entry has been corded off; I go around; when I get there there's no more tests. Going out I ask the person if I

can use his test; he never really answers me. Now I'm eating a Sugar Daddy; I'm walking amongst the picnic tables. I ask if I can use anyone's test, that they

could share with someone near them; they are all spaced apart and working separately, even though the teacher said we could work together. me; I start getting mad; I No one offers a test to call them fuckers, then

mother fuckers; still no response; then I say they eat shit, still no response. I start walking back up where

I was; now I'm smoking a joint; I get up to the top and I put the roach in my mouth; I'm eating it with the Sugar Daddy, luckily too because now I see about five park rangers getting out of a park jeep and walking down towards me as I walk up; I look and see their badges, dull silver. As I pass them I'm thinking that One looks

there still must be some smoke back there.

at me like he wants to bust me, but the roach is almost

swallowed and

all mixed

in with

the piece

of Sugar I be

Daddy; I put my finger on my lips as I swallow. didn't recognize anyone. There didn't seem to

anyone at the store counter. I'm in this hallway; it seems like a school but it isn't very big. I'm waiting; these kids pass; this I move away, blond but 3 inches long, sort of

girl comes up and kisses me. not very, her hair about

athletic looking. say no.

She says you don't mind do you and I

She comes back at me again and we move against She says something about how she likes me,

the wall.

and maybe something about how she was waiting for this opportunity. student, a Around girl about the 10. corner She comes looks this at us younger for a

second, now separated but flustered, and she sort of smiles and goes on. I said something like we should

stop before we get in trouble; she agreed reluctantly and moved off. She said she'd see me around. I think

she was a swimmer. I'm sitting in this cafeteria. been walking around in the halls. like high school than college. Before that I had It's a school more Students keep coming

into the area where I am; there's these long cafeteria

tables

and

they're

sitting

down,

like

the

class

is

going to be held there today.

It's like they see me I

there and they think the class is going to be there.

say to myself that the class isn't here at all and I get up and leave to go to class. At the doorway I see

this girl that I had seen somewhere before, like on a bus or some other place; she smiles at me and says something like oh it's you. I go towards her to say

hi, sandy brown hair, 14 maybe, a little thin, but when I get there there's this woman about 50, like a

principal of the school or something. girl is from New York.

She says the

I get the impression that she's She has gone

visiting, like some sort of exchange.

around to the other side of the doorway because she's shy. I start to go after her but I think that I'll run into her later and I need to get to class. the classroom I have to go outside. It To go to is very

complicated; I have to go down one way and then back another, etc. then I'm I'm outside walking along the building; along like a playground, younger

going

students.

It has started raining.

There are steps up

into the building, dark brick, but most of the students are going up these iron bars spaced up the wall like a

ladder.

I am going to go all the way around. I'm I think I can get by

thinking I don't have my pack. without it today.

Then I think I don't have paper or I walk into the

pencil; I think I can borrow it.

classroom, no teacher, I say what no class, and they say he'll be back. I look around for a place to sit.

I see Jocelyn and another girl on the other side and I think I would like to sit between them. I go over, but

the chair has got a jacket draped over it like someone saved it and then left. chairs are that way. I look around and quite a few The teacher

I move back further.

comes in; he starts to look at me, so I quickly grab a chair and sit down. The teacher is wearing this very

bright red robe, like a judge, but the cloth is very light and the red is very pretty, very high quality cloth, like for couture; he's wearing a white wig. He

points at me smiling and says something like now we can get started. I gather that the robe has something to He starts talking about the like 44b or something. I

do with the lesson today. test we took, a problem

realize I don't have the test, nor does anyone, and I wonder why he hasn't first handed them back. Then

suddenly he starts speaking Spanish.

I think that I

didn't

know it,

he and

spoke he

Spanish, well;

would then

never this

have girl

suspected

speaks

answers him from my left.

I look over and there are 4

Latinas grouped very close together, not far from me at all; I think well I sat down in a good place after all. I'm riding my bike. I would say it's like

Skinner's Butte in Eugene; it's like I've crossed the bridge going north. Now I'm going by these apartments.

There is an elegant woman out working in this little garden by her apartment, about 45 or 50. I say hi as I

come up to her; she acts a little huffed, indignant, and then she starts talking to me. the scene changes, or just the Then it seems like woman; now she's

younger, about 35, like a house wife. couldn't get something to drink. then invites me in.

I ask if maybe I She hesitates and

She says you're from across the

bridge aren't you, implying not as good a part of town and I say yes. I go in and she gives me something to Then I say thanks and

drink, like water or something.

start to leave; then the scene goes back and I'm still there. This washing woman comes in and spills water on I have to go to

my coat that was lying on the table. school so I say good bye.

I had brought my bike into

the apartment; I'm taking it out, and I pass her young son, like she's a single mother. I'm thinking about I take off on

making a date with her for another time.

my bike down this steep hill, lots of loose dirt like they've been doing construction; I get down. I'm going

along this road, but I'm in the grass, like the park. These workers are cutting down a tree or trees. up to where they're working; I go on by them. I come There is

a lot of sawdust and leaves; it's getting deeper and deeper; they are cutting down a lot of trees. Logs and

now the sawdust and leaves is just too thick to go any further. this tree. I look back behind me and I see them felling I think that there's so many logs and humus

that if it starts falling my way I'll just duck next to another log. There's the idea of a factory and everyone works in it; it doesn't matter if one works a little or a lot or at what skill level; it all is part of the one thing. this Then there is disease which seems to attach to logic, like all diseases are really just

same

variations on one, and perhaps disease and work are related as well in this logic.

There's all

these spheres

spinning in

a group,

maybe ten in each group, all on a plane; there might be other groups; before that I went over to this woman's house for a date; we'd been going out for a while it seemed. I get there and through the screen door I see

this vague outline of this man sitting on the couch, mainly his leg crossed over the other, darkly. to leave; the woman catches me. I start

I told her that she

shouldn't do that, that she knows I don't like that, that if she wants to see me she will just have to see me alone. She says that she wanted so bad to see what

I could do with my hands, like some sort of dexterous manual work, that she seems to think would look

beautiful me doing, my hands moving, and she starts crying because she wanted to see it, and I say well, she'll just have to see me alone. I was visiting my aunt; Dio was in a bedroom or other small room over to the side. padded wooden chair, like a I was sitting in a XIV. We were

Louis

talking; everyone was saying how Clair had lost a lot of weight; she came out. She was sitting on the floor;

she had lost a lot of weight; she wasn't thin but she wasn't fat; she seemed very happy; she was telling how

it happened, like it all happened in one day, and that was what surprised everyone, and she laughed, in at 8:30 and out at 3:30 or something thereabouts, and she laid back on the floor laughing, a white blouse, small round breasts, a large chest. Brazilian newspaper. Dio came out with the

I am looking at it; there's a

pullout like a TV section but it's the list of frozen prices; they've frozen the prices. In the dream I knew the reason but the logic didn't make much sense. Now

I'm looking for the coupon that one has to take to the grocer each day to be able to receive these prices. My

aunt helps me; we're going through this bulky paper like the Sunday L.A. Times. Finally we find a full

page affair and there's this embossed blue coupon like a big ribbon and she rips it out of the newspaper, and then we throw the whole newspaper away; apparently one needs a new coupon each day, at least if one is going to go shopping. I was seeing Jan Biby; she had mellowed out a lot; I think I was seeing her at work, and I was thinking about sleeping with her. She was thinner; for some

reason she was naked, and she had a body like a French woman, small breasts; I noticed her flat hips and

pubis.

I keep thinking about sleeping with her but I

don't want to get so involved that I can't get out. I'm going up this narrow metal spiral staircase like in an old ship and this small cabin with a bunk, and we're going to lie down together. She says at least the

sequel to the film came out; I had seen it already but I didn't say anything. I think the title was three men Then I'm in this jeep

and a baby but I know it wasn't.

driving going to this camp; it's this dirt road and sometimes there are very deep ruts. We're going up the

road two across; for a moment I notice the dry pine trees sparsely spaced like in northern California and for a second it seems beautiful. We come to this small

mountain village, the old washed out wooden houses, one large one over on the right. In front of me the ruts

are about a foot deep; I try to put the wheels on the high part; they start spinning and the jeep stops; I put it in reverse and finally it goes back and then I start to go forward again; I don't get unstuck. Then

I'm sitting on this low cement wall like the edge of a water fountain. camp. Most I am very sad. people I think I don't want to be in have gone to their

respective cabins. This man comes and gives me a little

slip of paper with my cabin number and location. look at it despondently.

I

Then I'm in this intersection I'm

on one side between the two lanes of traffic. going to take a shower there. except I hesitate for a second

It doesn't seem odd about taking off my

clothes; then I do it. intersection.

The next scene is still at the

Now this man is doing this thing with The car stops and he puts a

matches and the cars.

match under the car and when the car starts to go the match shoots out ahead and quite a ways when almost it like a

miniature

rocket

then

lights

hits

the

ground. Then there's the local policeman and he wants to see how this works, and that is when I saw it was in the demonstration. It seems like the policeman is

trying to decide if this is okay or not; he seems to decide not to give the guy trouble but for him to not do it anymore. I'm in this class; it seems rather dark, almost like the cinema, but not as much. girl. I'm waiting for this

I go out in the hall, almost like before class. Then this other

I don't see her or she doesn't arrive.

girl comes, a Latina, and I go in with her; she is very sensual; I can feel her intensely next to me. She

writes me a note saying that she doesn't need to make love to me, like she is beyond that. I bend over and

whisper in her ear that I am too, but that I like it; it's not something I need but that I want. sensual, I nestle into her neck, her Intensely ear; she's

responding, our faces are brushing; I start like to tone it down because we're in class. I'm in this house. like a low key party. grandmother's dying. on the side. There's quite a few people, The occasion might be that my It seems like she's in a bedroom

I am leaving; I go to make a telephone This girl comes up to me;

call or I'm by a telephone.

she seems like Gail; now I'm sitting and we're kissing. I start to stop, thinking of the people in the room but then I think if it's okay with her it's certainly

alright with me.

I move my hand up until it's just

touching the bottom side of her small breast; she gets more excited, our mouths are really pushing hard. move the other hand under the other breast. for a second about the other people. won't see my hands, like it's too I

I think

Then I think they dark. Then I'm

leaving.

She says that some friends are coming over

about one o'clock; that will be later this evening and

she's saying I can come over.

I think for a second,

like whether I want to wake up or whatever and then I tell her to call me if it's happening. down my telephone number. head. We go into this We go to write

I'm thinking of it in my room; it is very cold, a

bedroom; it's like in a house that's been abandoned. The windows were left open, one on one side and two on the other, wooden frame windows that open up and down. It's like someone had squatted here. the water is leaking everywhere. windows. It's raining and I go to shut the

I pass a cushion on a chair or stool where I notice

the water has been dripping steadily on it.

the bed still covered with all the bed clothes; it's made and covered with a thick dark blue bedspread;

maybe it too is being dripped on; cold and wet.

everything seems

This might have been my aunt's house, or

the girl's, or both. I had taken Dio to the airport or school was out; I'm in a hurry to get back where I was. There's this I am

girl and this guy or maybe a couple and a girl.

really in love with the girl, so in love that I can't even believe she's going to spend some time with me; I can't believe that I'm worthy enough; it's like I want

to do it before she changes her mind. feel my knowledge, its power.

For a second I

I'm running across this

playground and I can see them waiting for me by these bars. I get there and we're running and jumping

around, maybe even scooping up dirt and throwing it. There's a wooden house there and we're going inside. We're going to take drugs; I think for a second maybe we'll even have an orgy. I am really upset. free; her husband is There's this woman that is else. She is very

somewhere

classy, beautiful, about 40, full blond hair. me why I'm so upset.

She asks

Another woman is there it seems I say why am I here in the

like and she is trying to calm me down. upset? For one thing, because

we're

universe and we don't even have a clue to anything, another is that we're completely off the track. so upset that I'm almost crying. distant from me. I am

The woman is staying

I'm saying at least there isn't a

world war, but still we're so far off track that it's hopelessly pathetic. For a second I think of how we And the third

must look like scum from a distance.

reason is that you are so far away from me when there's no reason; she won't give it to me. I am sitting in

this simple chair; she is maybe ten feet away.

It

seems like the floor is black and it's like a room that goes on forever; the light is not day or night. She

comes over to me and starts to kneel down and put her arms on my legs, like to console me, but there's

nothing in it.

I feel the emptiness inside me. It's raining I I want to see In the town the

I'm going to this small town. think. This dream is not real clear. someone there. Maybe it's dangerous.

streets are full of water and the car just barely makes it, maybe a Peugeot. It seems like I'm talking to I

someone riding with me but they never are clear. break through to higher ground.

There's this old gas

station, garage, a weathered sign, maybe it says Total. Then I'm walking into this room to see this person. There's this vague idea that I had stolen his girl. It's cold. This person has power; it's almost like a I don't know what I'm doing there Then

gangster thing.

unless it's just to say that I've got his girl.

I'm taking a shower in this large old shower, like of an abandoned gym; it's refreshing because I haven't had one for a while. It may be that I still have my

clothes on.

This other person, a young man, seems like

Mike, light red hair; he may be the person I had come to see. He goes to another shower, quite a ways away

from me; he definitely has his clothes on, a blazer. I am walking, tired and hungry; it's this

residential area, the suburbs.

I come to this house, Most

dark or light green; I go in, the door was open.

of the furniture is gone; it looks like they're moving. I'm saying, anyone home? I go around the corner and

practically run into this guy, my height, brown hair, a little thin. little water. I say I was passing by and could I have a Then I say that this house looks

exactly like the one I grew up in.

I tell him to wait

while I go look at the address, it's like 1345; the house I was thinking of was 1866. mixture of the ones for a on Todd and The house is a Brookhurst. a bit I'm at the

walking around resemblances. the floor.

second marveling

There's boxes around, a few things on

I ask him where he's going; somewhere more

in the country I think; it's hard to understand him. In the kitchen room there's a about couple three of kids around dogs; the I'm

dining

table,

hunting

gathering that this person hunts. but quiet.

The kids are active

When he speaks it's hard to understand him;

he has an accent, maybe Latino, and lisps a little as well. He says he's going to eat something and would I He's taking a very sharp carving knife

like a little.

and cutting this french bread lengthwise in long thin shreds. It's hard to understand him; finally I say yes of course, being as hungry as I am. stove and starts preparing the He turns to the I'm looking

food.

around the kitchen. I'm having this party in my apartment; it's like an apartment building party; the apartment is large, part of a very large complex of at least more than twenty. At first I have the impression that it's an

okay party, but then I perceive that the neighbor, the disgusting black woman, is there with her daughter and her boyfriend; somehow they're there without my having known, and there aren't that many people now, two

couples maybe. TV.

Now it seems like we're just watching

I get fed up and go to kick everyone out; I start

making a lot of noise, yelling at everyone to get out. I look out the window, like of the apartment where I'm really living and I see the neighbor has blocked my car with three cars. I go back to kicking the guests out Then I notice a nice looking

with even more vigor.

girl

that

is them

leaving; out

she

resembles her;

Sheri. I'm going

I'm out

following

going

after

through this like fire escape with ivy growing on it. About two flights up I catch up with them as they're entering their apartment, maybe through a sliding glass door; somehow I catch her alone, and communicate to her that I am really interested in her, and then I'm

leaving. She is impressed with my temerity in exposing my desire and with how I'm going up and down this fire escape, which now going down is more like just a vine covering a metal bar or rope. I'm watching outside across these fields, like

looking west from the house on Todd Street.

I see this

huge tanker plane come in very low and realize it's going to land there. it's angular. It doesn't have any windows and

It goes by me very close and lands on

this road in the distance and goes up this slight hill following along the road. Then I'm at this party;

Sonia or a girl that reminds me of her is sitting at this table. closer. not. I go over and talk to her and look at her

I can't remember if I decide it's Sonia or

This other girl is eating some of the snacks on

this other table; I tell her I made a certain item and

she's impressed.

Sonia says it's because I don't work. It's like I'm

Then it feels like I'm in the Army.

going to ride my bike into this small town; there's a small shopping complex with maybe a gym, a theater, etc. this I don't know how to get there; I'm looking in magazine guide book and it's explaining but I

still don't get it. explains it better.

Then this man comes along and At the end I just realize that I It's like

can ask anyone in the town and they'll know. I wanted to buy something there.

I had this new apartment, ground floor, very chic, expensive, like a party pad. bedroom. Dio went to bed in the

It had the atmosphere of Venice but with more These young people came over, all I'm getting off on

money, maybe Malibu.

very cool, and it was party time.

it for a while, everyone laughing and tumbling around, but I don't really know these guys; I don't remember any girls there. It's like they always partied at this I'm starting to think I

house and now I was there.

want to go to bed but I don't know what to do about these people; I don't think I can throw them out; I can't lock up the apartment and like lock them out; it's like they're used to partying all night. I think

about leaving it open all night, but then I worry about them stealing something or damaging something and then I would have to pay for it. I walk through the door

outside and stroll down the sidewalk; it's this chic complex. bench. There's people from my party sitting on this on there's these people outside of

Further

another apartment.

It's quite late at night.

I still

don't know what to do as I walk back to the apartment. I see the bedroom and think of Dio there, and desire going there to sleep. I think for a minute I could I worry for a

just go in there and shut the door.

second about the sleeping accommodations; there's only like a sofa, and I imagine everyone sleeping on the floor. Back in the beginning I saw Chuck; he was really happy to see me; as he figured out that I was still cool or real or whatever he started hugging there had me and been a I might

wrestling with

me; it

seemed like

dialogue but I can't remember what it was.

vaguely remember driving out Camas Swale before that. I'm out in this backyard; it seems like the house on Todd. It's like I've been away or winter is over,

and I need to do the gardening chores; the grass has grown very high, in some places shoulder high. There

might be someone with me, maybe Dio, but that is vague. I hesitate, then I walk out to check out the backyard more closely. There's a spot about in the middle where

the ground is low and it's a little swampy; back in the very back it is very gross; the Mexican gardener has just thrown the garbage there, especially this big

fish, about two feet long. sticky mud.

There's a trail of black

I want to clean up this mess, but it seems Then foot

like too much and I think I'll probably leave it. I'm bringing home this large box, about three

cube.

At first I think I want to put it back in this

corner; I'm thinking it will make it very nice; then I decide I can't, not with that fish there. Then I think

I can put it in my room; I don't know what for; I'm taking it through the front door. There's a job opening out at Duarte at a private school like Belair, just a couple of hours per day. I

go out there for the interview; I don't get the job. They gave it to a guy because he had a BS degree. I

almost told them that that isn't the kind of degree that one wants in languages but I didn't. The director

wants me to hang around and see if I see any kids that look like they don't belong there, like they should be

in a public school.

It's lunch time and I'm just sort

of walking around; most of the kids seem normal, not real beautiful, simple; then I start seeing more punk types and I think it's just like a small bit of

society.

The director comes to me and says that the

guy they'd hired didn't work out. There was supposed to be parent conferences and he'd skipped out. He's

asking me if I'll do it.

I'm thinking about how the

money will work out; I'm thinking I'll only make $600 a month rather that the $1200 that Belair was offering; I'm thinking I'll have to move out to Duarte. Then I

think that I wouldn't be able to work at the other job; it seems like in L.A. but actually the job is up in Oregon. At one moment I'm driving from one point to

another; it's not very far; I don't even use the road but the gravel parking that goes along it; it's like I'm going from the administration back to the school. While I'm doing this a policeman drives by on the road watching me. When I get to the school there's a lot of parking, but it's really raining a lot and the whole lot is flooded. There's a covered part and I look

thinking it would be better there, but it's even worse, seems like a river sweeping down the parking aisles. I

decide to park over to one side, and walk in on one side. Then there's something about how I'm going to

change clothes; I think for a second what clothes and get them out of the car. Then I'm going into this

bathroom; this guy and girl come in also; now it seems like changing for a ballet class; I stop in the entry hall; they both go on into the next room. I'm thinking

it's like Rio where I'll change in the hall, but I see it's like Paris where everyone changes together. Almost over the cold; sometimes I got the

impression that furies were racing from one place to the other; that I had caught them out and that they weren't dream. ever supposed to be caught out, even in a

I went to visit my mother; it seems like a chic I get there, maybe no one is there,

quartier in Paris.

she's not. There's a delivery for me; I see it's a long box and I know it's flowers from her for me. It's like

I remember another scene with her, and she's telling me she's going to send them, or maybe it's something

completely different. seventh or the of third, that,

It says don't open until the and but I I don't plan understand on honoring the it.

significance

Before this the last time I woke I was dreaming I was

at Ralph's house on the hill in Laguna. going down this canal in the bayou. something like a Range Rover.

Then I was

Harold drove up in

He had some idea about

how he needed to go take a look at this area, like a spot of beach in front of the house; he was planning on using a hang glider. during the scene The impression of the furies came changes, like they were moving

everything from one place to the next, and also the movements like going down the canal. The box with the

flowers was very clear and seemed to be very important, and when I saw it I remembered that she was going to send them to me, like a scene where she is telling me that she is going to send them. images are of death. I was on vacation with this group; at first it felt like a guided tour in Paris, but then it seemed like we were at this camp up in the mountains. were a lot of people. There I think all these

It seemed like we had put away

our stuff and it was time to go eat; I sat at this one table, but I wanted to find this girl and I still

hadn't seen her so I got impatient and got up from my table to go look for her. I saw one group of girls and I thought to myself with an exclamation oh look she

must be there, a long line of tables that I went by without seeing her. Then I'm off to the side of the

camp going back to the center; I'm quite a ways away and I start running. road is a nice surface. I'm barefoot but the ground or I have a choice to go one way

or the other and decide to take the left to avoid a group of people, maybe arriving. this large building like a Before that I was in complex, like in

dance

Paris.

I was looking for this certain teacher with

whom things were starting to become tender, like Niki. We were just beginning to touch, like my fingers had brushed her face or hair the last time I had seen her. I'm riding with Blake in this big white van. seems like in Creswell. it that Harold has. It

There's another one just like This one is going to be mine.

They are putting curtains in it; the last one in the windshield still hasn't been mounted; Blake is showing me how it will go. done. In the other van it is already Then

We might be in the Shoprite parking lot.

I'm riding with someone in what seems to be a brown Camaro; they are dark; it's night. I'm going to make

something with this mask or I'm going to make a mask. He's driving and explaining what he wants. He has this

mask of

Christopher Columbus,

or I

have it

and I'm

saying máscara, with the accent in front. understand the word said that way.

He doesn't Finally I

understand that he doesn't and I say just mask.

I want

to take the part around the mouth and cut it out; it looks like a chimps mouth, on him, and I want to

replace it with wood, from like this violin; the mask also seems to be wood. The guy driving, who is also

maybe me, decides to light a joint; he tokes a couple of times; then gets confused going around this sharp corner, goes off the road and just barely misses a lot of parked cars. I take the mask and hold it up to the

violin to see where I would cut; there's a pattern of lighter wood in the darker and I would cut it to

include them both.

This seems to be related to the

hood of the car; perhaps ultimately the piece will go there. I'm driving home, like to Oregon from somewhere in the east; it feels like maybe Utah. an end at this lake. keep going. The road comes to

I think for a second and just

I think about Dio who is vaguely with me The

and can't swim but I decide it will be alright.

car flies skimming over the water for a very long ways;

then it stops and we're in this raft that was on top of the car. There's one paddle; I start using my hands Then we're at the The raft is still We're on

and tell her to use the paddle. other end of the lake on the shore.

back a ways; maybe someone had picked us up.

these rocks and this person is saying that we're at Silverlake now and I can't believe we're so close. Then I

They say I just have to go down the other side.

look at the raft and it's not there; this woman took it. I get her attention and say, hey that's my stuff She won't believe me until I get this other Then she reluctantly starts

you took.

person to say it's mine.

giving me back my stuff, like a filleted trout, and my shirts which were all laid out on the rocks. I'm in this apartment with a view, maybe of the city, maybe of a valley. It's late at night and I

can't sleep so I've decided I'm going to run in the apartment. It's dark so I've opened the curtains to I'm moving these tables and this lamp

let in light.

and I'm going to run from one side of this small living room to the other. This doesn't seem to bother me in

the least but then I run into this couple; it's like in the Shoprite parking lot; it's night and they're going

out to have fun.

I think for a second to go with them.

Then Chuck Hepner's wife goes by and she is going in the same direction as they were, that is east, and I'm thinking that that would make two couples, but then I hear Blake that says, no, no, think of your wife. think that it doesn't mean I would do anything. I

Then

I'm riding my bike along this sandstone trail way up in the mountains; again it's like I'm going from one point to another and then back again, and it even seems like the situation in the apartment. narrow and fairly dangerous; On this trail it's big ruts, drop

there's

offs, even holes down into caverns. already remember guiding ridden it once going I and along have now

It seems like I've going the back. trail some I and tree

I'm

clearly the bike.

watching to duck

under

branches and my front wheel gets in a separate rut from the back wheel. Then the back is up higher and on Then I'm in this

loose sand but I make it through.

small clearing; I'm very high up and there's a view, like I've been riding along this ridge. Then these

people come, like a couple and then this girl; I know them; the girl stops me and starts talking to me like it's been years since we'd last run into each other.

Then I'm explaining that we're on a ridge and she's surprised, and I say of course otherwise how could you see a vast panorama on each side, and she goes oh I see, as does the couple. But now we're in the couple's I look one way the view is

house which seems like a country house. and it's the view, but the other way

actually this large mural.

Then the woman has laid

down on the couch like to rest, and she calls me over to sit with her and talk. a little more interesting. I'm thinking this is getting She's telling me about her

daughter who is going to a different school because she doesn't want her to go to Creswell, and I think to myself that at least she'd speak English.