Louisiana Book

THE PATH I DIDN’T CHOOSE BUT GOD DID
Never would I have thought my life would take this path, especially not at this pivotal
point in my life. 17 and pregnant was not how I envisioned spending my last year of high school.
When I thought I would be shopping for prom dresses, attending house parties and enjoying the
festivities of my senior year, that is not the path my life took, it went the exact opposite. I found
out that I was pregnant with my first child at four months one month shy of graduating high
school. I thought my life was over. I was no longer the petite pretty girl that always smiled. My
mom was as much aware of my pregnancy as I was. She was actually there when I found out. I
was experiencing symptoms such as stomach pains and my breast were painful.
At 17 you don’t know what pregnancy feels like so that was never a thought of mine.
When I went to my mom telling her how I felt (oblivious) her first thought was to make a
doctor’s appointment. She attended that appointment with me only to be right there when the
doctor came in after I gave a urine sample to inform me that I was pregnant. I was in shock, but
not my mom. She said “I knew you were pregnant before you even knew…a mother always
knows”. That did not make me feel any better or comfortable at all. I didn’t know how to tell the
rest of my family. I spent days crying and becoming more and more depressed. At the time I did
not know what depression was, however I would not eat, not sleep and did not feel like being
around people. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt I had disappointed the one person I strived
to be like, my mother. I went through a state of confusion because my mom called a family
meeting with all of my siblings, four sisters and two brothers; so that I can announce to them that
I was pregnant. That made me feel isolated and uncomfortable. I felt like she was putting me on

display as an example for what, at the time I wasn’t sure, again I was confused. The moment
came when I had to make my big announcement, I informed my siblings of my news of being
pregnant. Everyone was quiet and staring at me. I felt like a freak at a freak show. I knew my
younger three sisters didn’t totally understand because they were too young at the time to even
understand what all of that meant. However my oldest sister and brothers were definitely old
enough to get it. My mom immediately informed them that I was going to have the choice of
putting my child up for adoption or having an abortion. This is another point where I was
confused because she never talked to me before standing in front of my siblings about what I
wanted to do, and here she was informing them of what I was “going” to do.
Here stood this woman of God that I’ve known all my 17 years of living to be a Christian
woman telling me that abortion was a choice when I was taught all my life that Christians were
pro life. So many thoughts ran through my head at this very moment. I was 17 and felt like I was
10. I begin crying with much emotion that I could barely talk. I immediately developed a sense
of anger and resentment towards the woman I always looked up to and strived to be like. I told
her I was keeping my child and I would take care of it. Coming from a home where the morals
and values were built on the Bible, I begin to think and ask God what was happening to my life.
God was the only one I could turn to. My mom taught us to trust and have faith in God to get you
through anything. Even though those words came out of my mother’s mouth, I knew it was out
of love and concern. My mom reacted based on what she felt was best at the time, not thinking of
the whole picture in what she actually taught me and stood on which was the Bible. Even though
I was upset I knew one day I would come to understand.

Diva Tip:
“Sometimes things may not turn out how we expected them to nor will things appear what
they seem to be, however, don’t be confused by hyphened emotion or anger,
because those are temporary feelings.
The ones close to us want the best for us and will react how they feel best at that time.”
BEGINNING A NEW CHAPTER IN LIFE
As time went by my mother and I communicated, however not how I would have liked.
By now graduation came around and it was time for me to take that walk signifying the next step
in life. I remember that day vividly. Everyone around me was happy, celebrating and full of life. I
was sad depressed and carrying a child that I had not yet connected with. My family attended as
they were always there as support, but it didn’t matter, I felt as if I was there all alone taking that
walk by myself.
I remember my name being called and me walking up thinking to myself, “Lord why me,
why me Lord”. I just couldn’t understand why this had to happen to me, why it could not be
assigned to someone else. I had so much that I wanted to do in life and felt that at this point all of
that which I had planned to do were now just dreams. I wanted to attend college and had planned
to still do so pregnant and all. By this time, my oldest sister and I were living together in a condo
that my mother assisted us in obtaining. She assisted me in applying for school at Southern
University. Some people couldn’t understand why I would choose to attend college in the fall
right after graduating in May because I would be delivering in November. I wanted to feel like I
was doing something. I didn’t want people to look at me as just another statistic. I wanted to do
more for myself and my child. I begin school in August as a freshman unsure of what I wanted to
do with my life; I just knew I wanted to acquire a degree in something. I initially registered for
business management. I attended classes up until my due date. November 4th rolled around and it

was time for me to deliver. I was home with my mom and three little sisters and begin to
experience pains like never before. I could not describe them to place them into words. I literally
thought my body was deforming and I was about to die. My mother made me wait until the
minutes were close enough to her standard for bringing me to the hospital. Once I got to that
point, I finally got to take that trip to the ER where I continued to think I would die in childbirth.
I remember my mom being by my side the entire time but I still felt empty. Here was a very
special moment and time that should have been cherished yet it was “at that time” one of the
saddest days of my life. I felt like I went through my pregnancy alone and here going through the
birth alone as well feeling like I would die anyway. The time arrived for me to begin to push. I
pushed 3 times and here he comes, my little Christian Dior Wilson. Once I saw that I lived
through childbirth and laid eyes on that little bright 5lb 2 oz little boy I immediately fell in love.
Here I thought, I am no longer alone in this world. I have someone who will love me as I love
them and who will look at me at their hero. Before getting discharged I received a visit from my
dad. We took a walk to the nursery to see Christian and my dad asked me which one was he; as I
pointed Christian out, my dad turned to me and said, “I am so proud of you”. That was the
beginning of a turning point in my life. Hearing those words come from my father made me feel
like I was somebody again and I was no longer isolated. I felt like I had a purpose. I felt like I
had to be there fully for my son not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. As I
prepared to take on motherhood, I had no idea what I was in store for. That cherished moment
immediately turned into reality. Here I held another human being whom I was responsible for
and who solely depended on me.

Diva Tip:
“Defining moments are sometimes revealed when you least expect them,
These are the moments in which you redefine a situation and decide at that moment
what you will do.”
ATTENDING SCHOOL
I’m faced with now resuming school fulltime and caring for a child fulltime. I found
myself facing many challenges such as trying to attend classes and making sure I had someone to
watch my child while I was at school. Many people have asked me how I juggled having a child
and being a full-time student in school but I like to remind them of one other thing, I also held a
full time job at the same time. When I decided to resume my classes in college my routine
change, initially all I had to do was focus on school and myself but now the focus was on my
child first and school second. I had to put myself last. Being a first time parent is already
stressful enough, but my child had a bad case of colic, which caused him not to sleep at night and
to constantly cry. This made my nights shorter and my morning’s hell. My morning started off
with me on the phone calling friends and family to see if they were available to watch my child
while I was at school. Though I had a job I didn’t have the paycheck that would allow me to
place him in daycare at the time. Once I found somebody to watch him my next move was to
school for my first class of a full 15 hour class schedule. Once I finished my classes at 12 it was
off to work from 12:30 to 7pm. Then from work I would go pick my son up and head home only
to be up till 2am, and the cycle begins again on the next day. Through out that cycle I started to
realize that something had to give due to all of the things I was trying to juggle. I made the
decision to resign from my job and attend school full time during the day at Southern University
and attend school at night to acquire a certification to become a certified nursing assistant
(CNA). I figured that because there was an increase in the field of home health during that time,

I would have a better opportunity of attending school, spending time with my son and working a
flexible schedule as a CNA. During the time of attending both schools I sacrificed not spending
as much time as I wanted with my son but I knew it was in his best interest and at the end of the
day in my heart I was doing the right thing as a mother. I acquired my CNA in 6 weeks then
obtained a job with a prominent home health company and began working as a CNA while
attending school full time. I held on to my new job and classes for 2 years and during this time I
was young and making very good money at my age and I felt like my job was easy. My grades
began to slip while I took on more responsibility at my job. I was making more money and I felt
I was able to take care of my son like a mother should. It felt good to make money and be able
to provide what he needed. When my grades slipped, my financial aid was placed in jeopardy
and I was faced with making a decision to work or go to school. I knew that I couldn’t do both.
After crying and going back and forth with my thoughts, I made the decision to drop out of
school but only with the goal in mind that I would return at some point and obtain a bachelors
degree.
Diva Tip:
“We learn that sacrifice is not always easy but when you set a point in life
where you know you want to go , it eventually pays off.”
RELATIONSHIPS THAT SHAPED ME
During my time in school I never thought I about having a social life however, I met this
guy while I was pregnant and attending college. I didn’t intend on having a relationship but it
just happened. I was single and depressed and someone actually took interest in me while I was
pregnant. I met a guy who was also attending school with me and, we became friends. This guy
remained my friend after I gave birth to Christian and we decided to take it a step further and
begin a relationship. Like all relationships in the beginning everything was great. Eventually the

so-called “honeymoon” phase was over and he started showing who he really was. He started
being controlling, wanted to know my every move, checking my phone, and being severely
jealous of any male that wasn’t related to me. His actions lead to us constantly having verbal
disagreements, which turned into screaming bouts, which escalated to him being physical.

I

justified with him being physical as being ‘OK” because I fought back. I know the last straw
should have been when he put his hand on me but the end was when I found out he cheated on
me. After the relationship ended he stalked me for weeks. I was trying to move on with my life
because I knew that my son and I deserved better. During this time I found out that I was
pregnant again. I was so hurt and disappointed in myself and thought, that I could not afford
emotionally nor financially to have another child. I called and informed him that I was pregnant,
however was not going to have this child. I made a decision that I knew was going to hurt me the
rest of my life but I was experiencing so many emotions confusion being one of them. I informed
him that I was going to abort the unborn child. Although he did not agree he knew due to where I
relationship was, that he had no say in the decision I was making. Therefore within the next week
I schedule and appointment for an abortion and had it completed. When it became evident that I
was moving on from him he popped up at my house while I was outside entertaining another guy
who was just a friend. He asked me to come over by his car and I wouldn’t. I told him “wait”
but being the controlling person that he was, he did not want to wait. He jumped out of his car
grabbed me by my arm and threw me in his passenger seat of the car. Physically I could not pull
away. As he drove away I tried everything I could to get him to stop the car but he would not. I
pulled the gearshift, kicked and screamed and once he saw he couldn’t control the car and me at
the same time he pulled on to a dead end street which was close by my home. Once he put the
car in parked, I jumped out and jump the fence that headed back to my house and ran back home.
I know most women would have ran home, locked there doors and called the police for safety,
but I was so angry at the fact that he felt compelled enough to show up at my home while I had
company , snatch me up and literally kidnap me that I chose to do something different. I ran into
my kitchen grabbed a knife and out of pure anger and rage ran back to the dead end street where
he was still parked and insisted on confronting him. At first he wouldn’t get out the car, so I
resulted to trying to stump his windshield in and once he saw that he jumped out of the car.
Once he was free of the car I ran toward him with all my might and literally blacked out with
rage trying to stab him in the heart. He put his hand in the way and I ended up stabbing him in
his hand. Once I saw the blood I pulled back and he went his way and I stood there and came
back to reality. In that moment, I started to think reasonably again, like what did I just do, am I
going to get in trouble, am I going to go to jail, what is going to happen to my son, my mind was
racing. When he drove off I went back home waiting for a knock at my door from the police but
they never came. I later found out that he went to the emergency room to get stitches and I was
also told that he was asked if he wanted to press charges against me. I became more upset
because I felt he was being protected when he was the one that unannounced came to my house
and tried to kidnap me. I know I had many reasons to stab him but the fact is the only reason I

jumped a fence to go get a knife and run back to stab him was that he had the audacity to show
up at my home and try to control a situation and attempted to kidnap me. I ended up pressing
charges against him which led us in court. His attorney and I had a long conversation regarding
dropping the charges, which I agreed to do only if he left me alone for good. He agreed to stay
away from me and my son because he stated he refused to go to jail again. This relationship also
contributed to me making the decision to drop out of school. The truth is I juggled school, work,
my son, and an abusive relationship, which at my age at the time was challenging and
overwhelming.
Diva Tip:
Any type of abuse be it emotional, mental, or physical is abuse
we should not justify it by rationalizing to make it ok. Abuse is abuse
MARRIAGE KIDS AND DIVORCE
After that abusive relationship, I decided to spend time trying to pull myself together and
figure out what it was “I” wanted. I reframed from getting involved in another relationship for a
while to focus on me. Through this time I remained depressed but I allowed my son to be my
daily motivation which kept me going. It would be times during the holidays where I witnessed
my siblings with their significant others which would be the most challenging time of all. I
longed to have someone and some type of companionship. 2 years went by and I met another
guy. This guy was a couple of years older than I was and seemed to be matured and settled.
Initially I felt he wasn’t my type because he appeared to be too together. We had a mutual friend
who introduced us and encouraged us to go out. I rejected several dates because I felt we didn’t
have anything in common. He continued to pursue me for a date and our mutual friend would
continue to talk to me about how good of a guy he was to encourage me to give it a chance.
Eventually I gave in and we went out on a date. I enjoyed the date because he treated me like a
princess. He was gentle to hearted and very catering. I was not used to this treatment so it felt so
unreal. We decided to go on several other dates and eventually begin a relationship. Even though
initially I thought this guy was not my type, I felt like he was the perfect guy that I could have
around my son. He did not have a problem with me having a child already so things took off.

After dating for a while I ended up moving in with him. While living together I was faced with
moral thoughts that I were instilled in me and part of my foundation. I begin feeling
uncomfortable with us living together because I felt we were shacking up and that went against
what I believed in as a Christian. He and I talked about it and decided that we would get
married. We begin planning a wedding and months later got married. Things were going good, I
felt like, this is the life I was meant to have. We bought our new starter home together and my
oldest sister started her own daycare and she hired me to assist her in running it. I begin to work
at her daycare full-time which allowed me to pursue school again. I enrolled back into Southern
University with a better mind set and positive outlook. This time around I knew what I wanted to
major in and I felt focused and supported. I was always drawn to helping people and because of
my situation with being a pregnant teen I wanted to work with teenage girls, so I majored in
social work. I also watched my mom go through life helping whoever she can along the way and
impacting many lives, and I desired to do the same. She had her Bachelors in social work and her
Masters in counseling so that motivated me even more. I had it together, I had the family I
always wanted, was working at a family business and working on acquiring my degree. After
being married one year my husband and I planned to have a child and I became pregnant with a
baby girl. I continued to work and go to school even while I was pregnant, but the difference this
time was I wasn’t doing it by myself and I had support so I was able to do it all. 9 months later I
gave birth to a beautiful baby girl K’lynn Alexis Jackson. We were so proud because we had a
boy and now a little girl, it was our perfect pair. I continued school and work while taking care of
home as well. After 3 months since giving birth to my baby girl I begin to feel different. At the
time it was hard for me to describe to anyone because I didn’t have words for it. I just knew I
wasn’t feeling myself. I set my husband down and told him that I had been feeling that way, and

he told me that it was ok and everything would eventually be fine. Those feelings that I was
feeling after I did my research were called post partum depression. I became in denial of those
feelings because once my husband told me I would be fine I trusted and believed him. Also I felt
as a social work major that we are the ones that help others with their problems and that we
didn’t have problems. That statement made no sense but at the time that is how I was thinking. I
felt that I was fine and nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t want to share that with anyone
because I didn’t want anyone to think I was going crazy. I continued on with my life of church
family work and school. For a while I did fine by burying those feelings not realizing what I was
creating on the inside of me. Things at home became routine and I just felt like I was alive but
not living. My husband and I became distant and didn’t communicate how we used to but that
was part of things becoming routine. I didn’t feel connected to him like I used to and became
somewhat withdrawn. I don’t think he noticed because he was in management and worked many
hours so that did not help the route things were taking. Through this challenging time I became
pregnant again and ended up having a miscarriage which only added to my emotional and mental
downfall. Months later without planning, I became pregnant again with a little boy, and this was
also close to the time of me graduating. The feelings begin to surface again and I could not fight
them off. I begin feeling depressed all over again. I gave birth to our healthy baby boy Connery
Christopher-David Jackson. I tried to pull myself together to be able to continue to juggle church,
family work and school and it was coming close to the time of graduation. Post partum set in
again after giving birth to my baby boy. This led to an even deeper depression. I’m not even sure
if my husband noticed then but I was definitely checked out. I started feeling like I did not want
to be married anymore. God knows I struggled with this because I was thinking what people
would say. They will think I’m crazy. This man didn’t cheat on me, he didn’t rip and run the

streets and nor did he drink or gamble away our finances. He was a hard working man who
provided for his family to make sure they were taken care of. He was also the type of man that
would let me have anything I wanted. Even thinking of all those things I kept thinking “but I’m
not happy”. I did not want to continue going through a marriage where I was not happy and
could not be the wife my husband deserve and did not want our children to witness a “routine”
that wasn’t filled with love joy happiness and peace. I struggled with how to talk to my husband
about this. I would plan each day to be the day I would talk to him about it, but I would chicken
out. One day we woke up and were both getting dressed in the bathroom for work and I just
decided on impulse to started talking about it. I shared with him how I had been feeling and just
begin to cry. It hurt me to my core to have to tell him that I didn’t feel the same way I use to
about him. I felt he didn’t deserve that but yet I had to tell him because he also deserved more.
He looked at me and asked “so do you want a divorce?’ I was speechless because I did not know
what to say to that. I told him I wasn’t sure, but all I knew was I didn’t feel the same way about
him. From that point on he begin sleeping on the sofa and I in the bed. We grew even more
distant. By this time I was planning graduation. Here a time in my life where I was suppose to
be celebrating success and I was depressed as hell. It took me back to my high school graduation
all over again. We decided to seek counseling to try something different, which I was unsure
about because I wasn’t the type of person to talk to anyone. After going through counseling we
decided to part ways and seek a divorce. This didn’t make me feel any better because now I was
faced with being known as the mother that took her children away from their father. My oldest
son I was not worried about because he had been through transitions with me already, nor was I
worried about my youngest son because he was just months old and too young to understand. My

biggest worry was my daughter. She was a daddy’s girl and had a close relationship with him.
We arranged visitation and remain cordial for the children.
Diva Tip:
“Sometimes we make decisions based on what we think we want and what we think is best for
us. It’s not to say these decisions are bad decisions but if they are not thought out or even
sometimes discussed often times we find ourselves not necessarily regretting the decisions
but regretting the fact of hurting those involved in the decisions we make.”
REVERTING BACK
I completed graduation and acquired my bachelor’s degree in social work and begin to
seek a job in my field. I obtained a job in my field working as a case manager with women teens
and infants who were HIV positive. I enjoyed what I was doing but still was not feeling fulfilled.
I was still deeply depressed which took a toll on my home life. I begin a routine of getting up
going to work and coming home going straight to bed. My children would be left to fend for
themselves. I knew I had to get up and go to work because I had to keep a roof over my
children’s heads food on the table and bills paid. But that is all I had energy to do. I would come
home go straight to my room close and lock the door and climb into bed and pull the covers over
my head. This was done for months and no one ever knew, not family nor friends because I had a
way of covering it up like things were ok. Even though I had my children I still felt empty. I
couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I divorced a man who did everything right and
loved me and now I’m alone. My mother, the woman of God who she is and with the
discernment that God gave her knew something wasn’t right. She called me up one day and
asked me how things were going. I initially tried to hide it but I begin to break down. She talked
to me about my emotional state and told me I needed to get help. I told her I was ok and social
workers are supposed to help others. My mother scheduled me an appointment with a
psychologist where I was formerly diagnosed with depression and placed on medication. Here I

thought was something else I had to deal with which was the medication. I felt taking the
medication signified that something was really wrong with me. I prayed and ask God what I
should do because I needed help. After praying that prayer I felt comfortable with taking the
medication but told myself it was only temporary. I begin taking the medication and starting to
feel better. I wanted to get a better understanding of what I was going through so I scheduled an
appointment with the same counselor that my ex husband and I went to and begin sessions with
her. During those sessions I begin to find out things about myself that I didn’t know. Some I
liked and some I didn’t like. The counselor I had was one of the realist counselors I know. She
was a Christian God fearing woman who didn’t believe in sugar coating. She gave it to me
straight. I begin working on some things to get myself in order. During this time I started getting
back out and going places. I met a guy (Alex Green) who was my age who I felt we had a lot in
common. The initial attraction for me was so strong. We begin hanging out and doing things
together. He shared a lot of what he went through in his life with me as a child and that drew me
to him even more. I also shared with him things that I had been through so it was an instant
connection. He was the type of guy that appeared to be the “bad boy” type, which for some
reason was my weakest attraction. We both were adults with children because he had one son but
he knew how to have fun and enjoy life. I felt myself falling for him and falling fast and hard. I
fought it because I did not want to go through any of the things I had been through especially
since I was getting “me” back together. I would back away from him telling him that I needed
space because I knew I was falling for him but I felt I was not ready for that yet, however we
would find our way right back to each other within a week’s time. I ended up falling in love with
the Alex who literally got married on me. At the time I met Alex he was still entertaining his
son’s mother but I had no idea. I just knew that he was a great father to his son and had a great

relationship with his son’s mother. The entire time while he and I were dating he was still seeing
his son’s mother. He never told me he was involved. One day he just decided to tell me that he
made the decision to marry his son’s mother because she had been there for him through
everything that has happened in his life and he owed her that yet he still loved me. I was so hurt
and disappointed and felt rejected but I said good bye. Part of me felt like this was a dream and
it was not happening to me, so the day of his wedding I drove by his house only to see that the
wedding had taken place right at his home. The home we used to hang out at and have our good
times. I was devastated. I was so sick to my stomach I could barely breathe. I went home set on
the bed and thought to myself “I can’t live like this”. I was just tired; I was tired of going
through so many things time after time over and over again. I unfortunately allowed the devil in
my head and took a razor to my risk. It hurt so bad that I could not complete what I set out to do
so I went into my bathroom found several types of pills and took them. I called my best friend
telling her what this guy had done to me. She notice that I didn’t sound myself and asked me
what I was doing. I informed her of what I had done which was took several kinds of pills
because I was tired. She drove right over got me out of bed splashed water on me, gave me water
to drink, walked me around and then took me for a drive. She kept me up by engaging in
conversation with her about the situation. I eventually came down off the pills and was
becoming myself again. She talked to me about what I did and gave me a meaningful
conversation. I felt so embarrassed and disappointed in myself because I never thought I would
do something like that especially over a guy. I thought that what kind of mother am I to not think
about my children. Once again I pulled myself together to continue on with my life while
praying for God to give me strength. I went on with my life and 2 months later Alex contacted
me. He told me he wasn’t happy and that he still loved me and apologized for putting me

through what he had put me through. Instantly I accepted his apology because I still loved him
and had feelings for him. We continued to communicate from time to time which led us to seeing
each other again. Here I was again faced with the morals and values I was raised with which is
adultery is a sin. Even though I knew it was wrong I could not help myself. When I was around
him it was like a magnetic field that was holding us together, little did I know that the magnetic
field was the spirit of strong hold and lust? We resumed our life together and he and his wife
eventually separated and divorced. We were traveling together spending a lot of time together
and just doing things that we both enjoyed doing. It was like he introduced me to a side of life
that I always unconsciously thought I wanted but was too afraid to try. The relationship became
unhealthy. Aside from introducing me to a life of adventure, He introduced me to things that
went against me as the person I was, a mother and a child of God. However, the strong hold was
so profound that I continued to remain in this unhealthy relationship with him. I begin to get
signs that he was cheating on me but I would address it with him and then ignore. I knew he was
cheating but I loved him so much I was in denial. One day I showed up at his house
unannounced and another female was there. She said they were in a relationship and had been for
some time. Here I was crushed again but fueled with anger and resentment. I went against my
ultimate rule which was never put a man before my children for this guy and I find out this. The
girl and I had words and I even tried to fight her but she would not get out her vehicle. I was so
pissed at him and her that I had to hurry and leave before I did something I would regret. Of
course the cycle began again and he called me and apologized and told me he broke it off with
the other woman because he wanted to be with me. I fell for it again and we picked up where we
left off. We would continue to verbally fuss all the time but couldn’t seem to stay away from
each other. We were invited by my sisters to attend a comedy show so we decided to go. While

on the way to the show his phone goes off and it’s another female. That female was the same
woman who he was dating while dating me. We yelled and cussed each other out until there was
nothing left to say. I put him out of my car right before I got to the comedy show. I figured I
needed a laugh and to get my mind off of things so I went and met my sisters there. During the
comedy show I was able to laugh and get my mind off of things. There was one comedian who
was the last to perform who came on stage and I immediately said how cute he was, and then all
of his jokes were funny and he really made me laugh hard. After the show ended my sisters and I
hung around waiting on the comedians to come out because she said she knew one. While we
were standing outside, out walks the comedian who I said was cute and made me laugh hard. My
sister said “oh there he is” I said “you know him” she said “yes, we have a circle of friends who
all hang out together”, I was like… hmm. In my head I was thinking this guy is too young for
me and my situation BUT he is someone I can have a lot of fun with. She laughed and turned to
him and introduced us. I looked him in his eyes and stared at him I know for at least 5 seconds. I
wanted him to know that I was checking him out. He asked what our plans were and we told
him we were going to the after party. My sisters and I headed to the after party. Once we got
there I posted up at the bar because I didn’t feel like being bothered. I was still thinking about the
situation that happened on the way to the comedy show. While at the bar a guy walked up to me
and asked me what I was drinking. I looked at him and saw it was the comedian from the
comedy show and I told him, “you aren’t even ready for this” I told him “I’m divorced with 3
children”, he then said “like I said, what are you drinking”. I thought to myself “oh ok”, well
there’s nothing wrong with getting a free drink. We hung out the rest of the night dancing and
drinking, but I was the one who got drunk. I was drinking and drinking not to think about the
other guy. The night came to an end and the club was closing. He walked me to my sister’s car

and asked me for my number. I was so drunk that I gave it to him and did not even realize it.
The next day I received a call from the comedian stating he was just calling to check on me and
make sure I was ok. I was a little taken back because first of all I was wondering how he got my
number and second I was thinking oh what a gentleman he is. We converse a little while and
hung up. The phone calls between he and I became more and more. He informed me that he was
in a relationship and I respected that. I informed him about my situation as well. This comedian
was such a sweetheart I just didn’t believe he was really like this. I could tell he liked me but he
himself respected the fact that he was in a relationship and never overstepped himself. He shared
with me that his girlfriend at the time did not support him the way he wanted her to regarding his
comedy career, but that he was still committed to her. He invited me to his shows and I begin
going. One day I received a call from a friend of the Alex Green telling me that he was in a bad
wreck on his motorcycle and was in the hospital. I dropped everything and ran to his bedside.
The physically state I saw him in drew me right back to wanting to be there for him. He was
able to talk to me and told me that since the wreck he realize some things and wanted to make
things right between us. I felt that he must have saw Jesus and was ready to change so I was
willing to take things slow. I visit with him every day he was in the hospital while still
conversing with the comedian. I informed the comedian of what happened and he was still there
to offer me support. The comedian informed me that his girlfriend asked him for space so he
was now single. At this point I was enjoying what he and I had but on the other hand trying to
take it slow with Alex to make things work. While I was at the hospital visiting Alex he was
asleep and his phone went off. I immediately thought what any other woman would have
thought…”go pick it up”. I walked to his bedside and of course for a split second I thought “no I
shouldn’t do this”, but knowing what I had been through I decided to do it anyway. I walked out

the room and answered his phone. The woman on the phone asked to speak with him and I
informed her that he was asleep. When I asked to whom I was speaking with, she informed me
that she was a friend. I begin to question her as to how they knew each other and she begin to
give me information. Even though they were friends she informed me that they slept together
and more than once. I hung up the phone and was walking back into the room. As I walked in I
notice he was awake. He asked me why did I have his phone and I told him it rung so I answered
it. I told him who I spoke with and everything she told me. He told me that the things she told
me happened a while ago and nothing was recent. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and left.
This time I had someone who I could talk to so I called the comedian. Of course he told me that
Alex was not the type a man that I needed to be dealing with and that I needed to leave that
situation alone for good. I told him that I made the decision to do just that. So he and I begin
hanging out even more. Once Alex was released from the hospital he called me. He said he
needed to see me because he needed to talk. The sad thing is I was just that weak that I kept
falling for this every time. Against the advice of the comedian I went and met with. He
convinced me that the situation with the woman that called his phone happened long ago and she
was just calling to check on him because she heard what happened to him. We talked and talked
for hours and he apologized for everything he put me through. He told me he really loved me and
needed me and really wanted to be with me. I called the comedian up and told him about the talk
that I had with Alex and told him that I decided I was going to be with him. I know he was so
disappointed because he and I were really getting to know each other. Alex and I got things
together and went on with no problems for months. Things were going good. We were doing
positive things interacting with the kids even his son’s mother and I were getting along. As time
went by signs begin to show up again. He would lie about simple stuff, leave his phone in his

vehicle, and would not answer it around me. One day while sitting at home, my stomach
became was queasy as I begin to think about him. I didn’t feel right so I decided to drive to his
house and pop up on him again unannounced only to find that he was there with the initial girl
who he had cheated on me with. I stood there in disbelief thinking that this is not happening to
me again. She told me that when she found out he was in the wreck she came to the hospital and
was visiting him too. She informed me that she had been taking care of him. He didn’t have
anything to say but to turn things around on me yelling and cussing saying it was my fault
because I should have never came to his house unannounced. I stood there confused and angry.
I walked off got into my car rolled down the window as I was about to drive off and told him
something that I knew would hit home and hurt him to his heart. I was so angry that I said
something about his past that I know should never be said regarding his mother. I made him so
angry which, that is what I was trying to do as well as hurt him, that he begin running towards
my car that my two youngest children were in with a brick in his hand. He threw the brick at my
car and broke my window. I drove off thinking; I don’t know what else to do. I prayed and
asked God to allow whatever needs to happen to happen that would lead me away and out of this
bondage spirit with this guy. I continued to just pray and cry as I was driving home. As I pulled
up in my driveway a few minutes later he pulled up behind me. My children and I were still in
the car when he walked up yelling and cussing. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and I was
done. I locked the doors to the car but the windows were down. He was telling me that I wasn’t
going anywhere and it was my entire fault. As I was yelling back with him he reached in my
window to get my keys and I begin hitting his hand. He then started just swinging on me and I
couldn’t believe it because he always said he would never put his hands on me. I was shocked
because my children were in the back seat. I managed to get the windows up and told him I was

calling the police. He then ran off got into his truck and left. That was my breaking point. I
couldn’t believe that I allowed that to happen in front of my children. I knew then I had to get
myself back together. I prayed for God to allow whatever needed to happen to get me out of this
bondage not realizing it would be the one thing I despise the most which was a man putting his
hands on me. But I knew I could not mentally nor emotionally do it on my own. I always said
after my relationship with the guy I stabbed that I would never allow another man to put his
hands on me. And after that I had no interest at all of going back to Alex. Of course all my
feelings remained and it hurt so bad, but I knew with time I would eventually heal.
Diva Tip:
“We become blinded and consumed by things that we know are not good for us
But because we are so in our flesh we allow these things to be a part of our life rather they are
healthy for us or not.
Staying spiritually connected with God
Is the only answer to being able to fight and resist such things.”
THE MAN OF MY DREAMS
As I decided to go on with my life and bare the hurt and pain that was left behind from
my previous relationships I made it a point to try and keep myself busy. I committed myself
back to attending church regularly so that I can reconnect with God spiritually and allow myself
to heal. I reconnected back with the comedian who’s name is Howard Hall. Howard was the
perfect thing to keep me busy besides being involved with my children and church. He was a
comedian and always had shows, so I figured I would just stay busy by attending his shows. We
took it slow again and after a while decided to date. For a while it was just he and I going out
because I did not want him meeting my children yet because I did not know where this would
end up. Howard was such a gentleman, which is why I still would not trust him. I just didn’t
believe that the way he carried himself around me, the things he said and did were genuine. I

figured, he was just showing me that side so that he can end up with me which was what I was
used to experiencing. I would always tell him that “you’re not really like this.”, “Eventually
you’re going to do something stupid to show me who you really are”. He would just smile and
say “this is really who I am, you can ask anybody”. I would just brush it off every time with a
big jokingly laugh. I just really didn’t want to take him serious as a mechanism of protecting
myself. We would have some of the most fun times together. Being around Howard was like
being at a theme park. It was always fun and laughs. This feeling felt so good and it brought out
another side of me that I didn’t know exist. Although I still felt a little apprehensive of what
everyone would think of the age difference, as we grew closer, it begin not to even matter what
people thought but that I felt good. We decided to make it official and begin a relationship. I
introduced him to my children and the rest of my family and of course they all fell in love with
him, thinking he was such a gentleman and even greater man for even wanting to be with me.
My family knew my background history of what I endured over the years with relationships and
how it shaped the person I became, which was not all pleasant, and they knew Howard over a
period of time would begin to experience that person. I begin to fall in love with Howard and the
person he was. I finally dropped my guard again and allowed him into my world. Even at the
young age that he was, I saw that it wasn’t about his age but what he had and was willing to offer
me. I was just at a point in my life that someone finally made me happy. He was also open to
receiving what I had to offer as well. I attended church regularly and I invited him to attend with
me one Sunday and with no hesitation he did. He told me after the initial service that he really
enjoyed my pastor and her method of preaching and offered to come back. God knows I was
jumping up and down on the inside like a 10 year old girl, because all I ever wanted was a man
who also loved God as much as I did and didn’t mind attending church. Howard decided that he

would finally introduce me to his family. Of course I was worried and had all thoughts rolling
around in my head, of what would they think of me being that I was an older woman divorced
with 3 children? When I initially met his family I felt that they were nice and reminded me a lot
of my family as to how close they were. But as time went by and they saw how close Howard
was getting to me, I think they became worried. I believed at the time they did not agree with us
being together because of the age difference. It never seemed to bother Howard because he
would go on with not a care in the world of how anyone thought. I admired that about him, yet it
still bothered me, because in my mind I was thinking “what reason would they have not to like a
person like me”. I felt that I was an independent woman with her own home who was taking care
of her children and being productive in life. Not realizing the bigger picture of what they saw.
We continued to date regardless of what anyone thought. Howard was the type of person that
had a heart for people in that he never wanted to see anyone hurt, which in turned was a
gift/curse because during this time, he did not know how to use that. While we dated, he still was
in contact with his ex-girlfriend and I had no clue. I just knew that on several occasions she
would call his phone, asking him why he wanted a woman like me that came with so much
baggage. We endured several harassing situations from his ex which included riding by my home
at night while he was there, and as a woman and the type of woman I was made into, it took
everything in me not to react. Only because Howard stated each time “I got this, let me handle it”
did I back off entrusting him to take care of it. Because of the type of man he showed me he was,
I wanted to respect that and allow him to handle it. However one early morning before the sun
even rose, we were lying in bed and his phone rang. I didn’t notice until something woke me out
of my sleep and I notice that the bathroom light was on. I got up and as I was walking into the
bathroom, Howard was walking out of the walk-in closet which was located inside the bathroom.

I asked him what he was doing, and his response was “praying”. Still half asleep I accepted that
response without thinking twice because I knew we had been growing together spiritually, and
went got back into the bed as he followed. I dozed off and went back to sleep only to be awaken
out of my sleep once again. As I jumped up and through my legs out of bed my feet went right
into my slippers as though something was telling me that it was time to roll. I got up and looked
in bed and notice Howard was gone, I checked the bathroom and closet and he was not in neither.
I then proceeded to call his phone. He answered telling me that he was at work. He told me he
decided to go into work early because he could not sleep. I told him that this was the first
because he has never gone in this early. I hung up with him wanting to believe him, but my
intuition would not allow me. I figured it wasn’t chance that woke me out of my sleep both
times. I immediately grabbed my keys and hopped into my truck and proceeded to his job. I
arrived at his job only to find him outside in the parking lot in the car with his ex girlfriend. I was
so hurt and disappointed because the one thing I told myself was going to happen happened. I
jumped out of my truck walked up to the car that he was in and begin to bang on the window. He
hopped out of course trying to explain what I was not trying to hear. And of course being the
person I was, I not only had to let him have it but her too, but she would not get out the car. I
went to the back of my truck took my tire iron out and proceed towards her car as she was
yelling out while her window was rolled up but Howard stopped me before I did something I
would regret and she drove off. I jumped in my truck and drove off, upset angry and full of rage.
Here I drove thinking; I dropped my guard for the one person that I thought would protect my
heart at all cost. Howard attempted to call my phone, but I would not answer because I did not
want to talk. I could barely see straight. I was so hurt and confused. I thought I had it all only for
it to be stripped away. After taking a couple days away from Howard, I finally agreed to meet

with him. He explained to me that nothing had been going on. He admitted to still having contact
with her such as by phone, but assured me that it was nothing more to it. I realized the type of
man that I was dealing with. I believed at that moment and told him that his feelings for her were
still there, and that is why he allowed himself to be continually entertained by whatever she
presented to him. I told him that he would have to get another cell phone number and completely
start from scratch for me to even begin to attempt to trust him again. He was willing to do that
and got it done. We decided to move forward slowly taking it one step at a time. Shortly after
that I became pregnant with his first-born child and we starting talking about marriage. I thought
to myself that I could see myself living the rest of my life with Howard. I thought that he was the
best man I had ever been with even regarding that situation. He attempted to propose to me on
several occasions but I would ruin each of them. He told me I ruin it every time by asking him
when he was going to pop the question. He had a big show at the Funny Bone Comedy Club one
night and was trying to get me to attend but I was so sick from nausea and vomiting I was to
weak to go. The next day I found myself in the bathroom vomiting over the toilet and as I was
coming up from vomiting I turned around and there he was standing with the ring asking me to
marry him. In my mind I was thinking “really” and I guess it was written all over my face
because he then said, “oh yeah this is how you’re going to get it because either I can’t get you to
come out or you ruin it”. We both just laughed and I said yes, but told him one day in our
lifetime, he had to make it up to me and do it romantically. Shortly after that he told his parents I
was expecting and that he was going to marry me. Well it wasn’t received too well which caused
stress for me. I ended up having a miscarriage, which was one of the worst days of my life. It
was nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. Howard attempted all that he could
have but emotionally and mentally I was tapped out. It took me some time to get over it but the

best thing about it is that Howard went through it with me staying right by my side encouraging
me and letting me know that he loved me. Not too long after that I became pregnant again.
Howard and I decided since our baby girl would be due in June, we wanted to be married before
she was born. We had already been planning for the wedding and continued to do so but set the
actual date on his birthday which was 1-6-07. We got married right at our home in front of the
fireplace with friends and a few family members. It was one of the best days of my life. I was so
happy and full of joy. That following June our beautiful baby girl Kassidy Amaya Hall was born.
She was a miracle and a blessing because she brought me closer to his family mending a gap.
Diva Tip:
“When you decide to let your guard down, you allow yourself to be vulnerable this makes you
feel like you’re risking too much. But when you build up a wall around you to protect you
from the fear of rejection or the unknown, you actually miss out on much more. Don’t allow
fear to cause you to miss out on greater.”
MARRIED TO MESS
Howard and I lived happily ever after for a while after getting married, but that person
that my family was worried about Howard marrying soon showed up. Although Howard would
try to show me love, I would not know how to receive it. I remained in hurt, pain, and anger from
not dealing with my past. I tried to be the best wife that I could be but part of me didn’t care who
I was. I would talk and treat Howard any kind of way. The hurt I felt, I would project it onto him.
I didn’t realize it but part of me still despised him for hurting me how he did when I initially
found him with his ex, regardless of what it was. When that situation happened I didn’t realize
how much it had an effect on me until I set and thought how I did not feel the same way I
initially did about him. I loved him but I didn’t care. It was almost like he hurt me and I was out
to make him hurt like he did me for the rest of his life. And with those feelings, came all the old
feelings from the other past relationships so I was truly a mess. Howard is a patient and humble

person and the things I said to him should never have been said, but he would take them in stride
and love me through it. I couldn’t understand why he would take it. It was almost like I was
unconsciously setting him up to leave me. Not realizing that’s exactly what I was doing. I felt
that the love and patience he was showing me I didn’t deserve in some kind of weird way and
was sabotaging myself for him to eventually leave me. I didn’t realize how bad I did not value
myself, in not allowing myself to be loved and taken care of emotionally and mentally. There
was a huge strain on our marriage the first 2 years. One day I was in the shower alone, and God
spoke to me. He told me that if I continued to treat Howard the way I was treating him taking
advantage of his patience and humbleness that I would lose him. I instantly dropped to my knees
and begin to cry. It was a moment of me realizing who and what I had. I begin to thank God for
blessing. I prayed and asked God to change the person I was because that is not the person who
was born to my mother. That person was a victim of her situations and circumstances. I asked
God to allow me to become the person He would have me to be and give me my peace and joy
back. I stepped out the shower vowing to make an effort to do better in making a change. I was
no longer the victim but the victor. I set Howard down and had a long talk with him about how I
had been feeling and what God revealed to me. He remained himself in that he just took me held
me and told me how much he loved me and that he would see me through whatever it was I was
going through. He and I decided to seek counseling. I talked to Howard about going to the
counselor that I had previously seen and he agreed. Counseling was one of the best things we
could have done as a couple. We both learned a lot about not just each other but ourselves. I
realized that I had been fighting a losing battle against myself in that I was still in denial about
who I had become which was hindering me from being who God really created me to be. I had to
go through a strenuous healing process which involved pulling things from my past that I would

have preferred to stay buried. Seeking counseling was the beginning of something good. I knew
from that point on my life would be better because I chose to help myself. From that point on I
begin to see things different which caused me to do things differently. My healing began and life
got better. My story continues with challenges but at least from this point on I know how to
manage them by keeping God first, seeking Him in my time of need and getting daily
maintenance as needed which is therapy. I also thank God for a supportive husband and family
who every step of the way keeps me motivated to motivate and empower others. My journey to
success is to be continued…
Diva Tip:
“In every mess there is a message
When life feels like turmoil you must seek help starting with God our father
Daily maintenance of counseling/therapy is a must
You complete maintenance on your house, car and things you value
why not take value in your life and maintain it.”