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WHAT GUYS WANT
Download
the app and
point your
device
at this
page!
Double
Your
SEX!
Put Your
One-Night
Stand on
Repeat
Rearrange the
leters on this
cover to fnd out
where we hid
the treasure!
Interview
With a
DEAD
CELEB
Michael
Jackson
Sings From
Beyond!
The Hottest
Women of
Instagram
(
It’s OK,
You Can
Follow
Them)
P.57
Guy Fieri
Gets Steamed
Jimmy Fallon
Nerds Out
Supermodel
Anne V Blows Up
A Hot Tub
You Can Drive!
TV’s MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Happy Endings,
Everyone!
Elisha
Cuthbert
SPECIAL:
SPRING
2013
STYLE
MARCH 2013 MAXIM.COM
ADVERTI SEMENT
SPONSORED BY
*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open to all legal U.S. residents 18 years of age or older. Sweepstakes begins January 23, 2013 and
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37
The sexiest sitcom star in
the world, Happy Endings’
Elisha Cuthbert, burns our
retinas with sexitude; Die
Hard’s Anne V explodes
our heads with hotness;
Real Housewife Joanna
Krupa has us packing our
bags for Miami.
On the Cover
Photograph by John Russo
Styling, Jef Kim/Margaret Maldo -
nado Agency; hair, Giannandrea/
The Wall Group for Ecru N.Y.;
makeup, Lauren Andersen/The Wall
Group; manicure Carla Kay/Cloutier
Remix for Essie. Swimsuit, Zimmer -
mann; jewelry, Karine Sultan; belt,
Elegantly Waisted; pumps, Casadei.
PIN-UPS
“Everyone
always
asks who
my celebrity
crush is,
so…I just
say Oprah.”
MARCH 2013
Meet the most powerful nerds in the uni-
verse, the toughest soldiers in America,
the stupidest ER patients ever, and the
always dirty Joan Rivers. Plus, a Maxim
editor becomes Guy Fieri’s bitch!
Die Hard’s best blow jobs, Banshee
beauty Lili Simmons, and liquids you
defnitely don’t want to put in your mouth.
Plus: We reach out to the great beyond
to chat with Michael Jackson’s ghost!
22 How To 30 Stuf
Get schooled by Dominic Monaghan on
surviving a rain forest (scary!), the Knicks’
Steve Novak on nailing threes (swishy!),
and a hot chick on how to make a soccer
ball out of a condom (protection-y!).
Afer you plug into the BMW’s new hybrid
supercar and take a gander at a woman
with a tool, study up on the sleekest new
gadgets and pop a wheelie on Ducati’s
latest on- or of-road speed machine.
12 Circus Maximus
Hometown Hoties fnalist Justine an -
swers your goofest queries, and our new
cleaning lady mops up your dirty thoughts.
And most important, how to make your
one-night stand hungry for seconds.
8 LETTERS
80 CREDI TS
82 MAXI M CLASSI CS
Always dapper San Antonio Spurs stud
Tony Parker shows us the fner points
of dressing like a boss on the court or at
the club. Plus, the best watches, kicks,
jackets, and more!
Style
54 Features 74 Hot Sauce
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4 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
FLIP
THIS MAG
for our 10-page
Spring Style
Bonus Section.
MAXI M WORLDWI DE BRAND LI CENSI NG
international rights coordinator
Jef Whitacre
international editorial director
Simon Clays
international publishing manager
Stephanie Marino
senior operations manager
Pauline Lam
Subscription inquiries, including address changes: Visit us at maxim.com/customerservice or write to
Maxim, PO Box 420706, Palm Coast, FL 32142, or call 386-447-6312
Copyright © 2013 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. MAXIM® is a reg istered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group, Inc. All rights reserved.
March 2013 issue, Volume 17, Number 2. Maxim is published 10 times a year by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc., 415 Madison Avenue,
New York, NY 10017. Tel 212-302-2626 Fax 212-302-2635 maximonline.com Canadian GST Registration # 867774580
MEDI A NETWORK EDI TORS I N CHI EF
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CZECH REPuBlIC
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GERmANy
Mike Bleibtreu
INDIA
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INDoNEsIA
Ronald Adrian
Hutagalung
ITAly
Paolo Gelmi
mEXICo/
lATIN AmERICA
André Félix
Diaz Rojo
PolAND
Krzysztof Papliński
PoRTuGAl
João Espírito
Santo Araújo
RussIA
Sasha Malenkov
sERBIA
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souTH koREA
Young-Bee Lee
sWITZERlAND
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THAIlAND
Surawong
Kruaefan
ukRAINE
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uNITED kINGDom
Alpha Media
Group
executive chairman
Jack kliger
ALPHA MEDI A GROUP
west coast editor
Ruth Hilton
assistant editor
Julian Stern
WEST COAST
copy chief
Kenneth Gee
research chief
Christian Smith
production director
Gustavo Gonzalez
military adviser
Dakota Meyer
style editor
Stan Williams
creative director
Paul Scirecalabrisotto
director of photography
Andrea Volbrecht
managing editor
Yeun Littlefeld
chief content officer
Dan Bova
entertainment director
Patrick Carone
senior editor
Laura Leu
deputy editor
David Swanson
senior associate editor
Stephanie Radvan
photo editor
Stacey Pittman
associate art director
David Zamdmer
photo researcher
Clare Thigpen
MAXI M. COM
executive editor
Nick Leftley
managing editor
Heather Albano
assistant editor
Cameron Berkman
editorial assistant
Alexa Lyons
production editor
Bailey Swilley
assistant photo editor
Karis Doerner
vice president, integrated marketing
Jennifer Staiman
directors, integrated marketing
Colin Surprenant, Matt Ciccone
art directors
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senior vice president, digital
Bill Shaw
southeast
[email protected]
Ken Farber
midatlantic
[email protected]
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northeast integrated manager
[email protected]
Robert DeSalvo
direct response
[email protected]
Warren Berger
vice president and corporate controller
Karen Reed
human resources director
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director of advertising operations
Gisele Myer
fashion & accessories
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new york
Bruce Kostic
(director)
detroit 248-723-1023
Peter Saad
chicago 312-440-3182
Richard Axel Swedberg
(director)
executive director,
integrated sales
Mark Magnani
chief financial officer
Vincent Ohanyan
chief operating officer
David Simcox
senior adviser
David J. Fishman
publisher
Sean Flanagan
president
Ben Madden
manufacturing and
promotions director
Jefrey Dowd
production manager
Navah Meller
executive assistant
Nancy Galyon
photo editor
Cory Davis
director of video content
Ken Shadford
senior editorial producer
Justine Goodman
public relations director
Annie Imamura
Enter for a chance
to win a trip for
TWO to party with
MAXIM & IZOD
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you fne fellas at Maxim think! Oh, and ask
Bar if she’ll marry me. :)
—Mat, via e-mail
We haven’t seen a drawing this hot since
Garfeld fell dick-frst into a vat of lasagna.
Donald Ducked
Imagine my shock when I noticed that
Donald Trump was absent from your list of
“The Biggest Assholes of 2012” [December].
He’s the biggest bloviator of our time.
What’s the matter—afraid he’ll question
your birthplace?
—Joe Foley, via e-mail
While we imagine you in shock, Joe, we’re
going to go ahead and also imagine you not
wearing pants…Oh yeah, nice…just like that,
you naughty little—Hey, wait, what are you
doing with that hamster?! Stop, Joe! It won’t
be able to breathe in there!
WE GOT I T I N THE MAI L
Sealed With a Fart
When we received a card in the mail, we thought,
How nice! Someone sent us a congratulatory card
for fnally flling out our beard. Upon opening it, we
realized it was less praise and more pf: This card
totally farted in our face! Fart by Mail is, as far as
we can smell, the only greeting card company that
ships fatulence. It not only makes the sounds of
but-bombing but also emits a foul odor that can
only be replicated by downing an entire White
Castle Crave Case. $9, fartbymail.com
Each month
MAXIM
empties its
sack for you.
YOU HAVE
E-MAIL.
We have an in-box.
Send your love
and hate to:
[email protected]
Contact
High
Your letters make us
feel like we can climb
the highest mountain...
then should jump off it.
Navy Gazing
Thank you for your awesome magazine.
There is nothing like looking at hot
American women to brighten my day here
in Japan. Maxim gives me something to look
forward to when I come home.
—Robert Riter, US Navy ET3, via e-mail
We’ll be waiting for you, Rob! In your
living room. On your couch. Oh, and by the
way, you’re out of Doritos, and the lamp
was broken when we got here. We swear.
Nipplegate
Hey, Maxim, what gives? Is there some law
that states you guys aren’t allowed to show
nipples? I mean, I see more gratuitous
nudity when my wife is fipping through
her Cosmo. What’s the big deal?
—Brian Castagna, via e-mail
There actually has been a law in place ever
since Maxim editor Patrick Carone tweeted
shirtless pics of himself at the beach in 2004.
Dude looked like he had two giant brown
Frisbees stuck to his chest. Horrifying.
Art Atack
I read November’s Dial-a-Reader [Letters]
and saw those
reader drawings and
wanted to draw Bar
Refaeli’s Hot 100
photo! Tell me what
Maxim Goes
Sweatin’ to
the Oldies
How does our direc -
tor of photography,
Andrea Volbrecht,
kill time in Los
Angeles between
cover shoots?
Why, Jazzer cising
with RICHARD
SIMMONS, of
course!
Ever text
coworkers a
pic of yourself
without really thinking
that it could end up in a
national magazine? So
did our photo direc-
tor, Andrea, who sent
us this sweaty snap at
the Slimmons Studio
in Beverly Hills. And
she couldn’t be happier
that we’re printing it for
everyone to enjoy!
We were prety sur-
prised to learn that this
wasn’t some special
one-time deal—anyone
can take an aerobics
class with the Richard
Simmons for a mere
$12 per spandexy ses-
sion! So how was the
experience? “Favorite
workout ever!” reports
Andrea. “He’s a ball of
energy, he swears like
a sailor, and he gave
my water botle a blow
job. I am sore as shit
today.” Sign us up!
PFFT
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E 8 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
Perfection
has a darker side.
An extraordinary blend of Patrón tequila and the pure,
natural essence of the finest coffee.
simply perfect.
simplyperfect.com
The perfect way to enjoy Patrón is responsibly. © 2012 The Patrón Spirits Company, Las Vegas, NV. 35% Alc./Vol.
1 0 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
Maxim Exposure
Take a peek at what’s inside
our digital trench coat this month.
Facebook
Give us a thumbs-up at facebook.com/
maximmagazine and we’ll be besties
forever and ever, or until you get com-
pletely sick of us posting adorable
pictures of kitens napping.
Xbox 360
Download the Maxim app for your
Xbox 360 to watch videos of celebrity
interviews, silly shenanigans, and
models doing yoga. Namaste.
Twitter
When prety ladies tweet us their
photos, we’re inclined to retweet.
Follow @MaximMag to see our daily
#HotPicAtNoon.
Instagram
Follow @MaximMag for a behind-
the-scenes look at what goes on in our
ofce. (Hint: Not a lot of work.)
Maxim.com
This would be
so much easier
if I had fingers.
Our gallery of spring-
break girls demon-
strates how T-shirts are
meant to be worn: wet.
Now taking
applications for
our 2014 Hometown
Hotties competition.
Send ’em our way!
Conquer your bracket—
and put a little cash in
your pocket—with our March
Madness master class.

IS NOW ON
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ADVERTI SEMENT
Download our new app and watch hours of hot
women, funny videos, dudes doing stupid things
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for
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1 2 m a x i m

KI CK- START
Lili
Simmons
She plays an Amish party girl
(our favorite kind!) on
Cinemax’s Banshee, and
she’s mad about March.
A MAxI M VI ew of
The woRLd
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3 1 3 M O N T H 2 0 1 2

M A X I M
Finishing the
White Powder
“I surf a bit, but
what I really love to do is
snowboard, so at the end
of the season I take any
chance I get to head up
to the mountains.”
Philly Phanatic
“My grandpa played for
the Phillies, so I’m rooting
for them as soon as spring
training starts.”
Easy Being Green
“I like to go to friends’
parties or whatever on
St. Patrick’s Day. I just
wear something green
and have a good time.”
Luck of the Irish
“On St. Patty’s Day,
everyone is ready to party
because of the green
beer. It’s good if guys
wanna get lucky, but not
necessarily if they’re try-
ing to get a girlfriend.”
Forgetting Football
“It’s nice when guys stop
talking sports. If you want
to get a girl, give her your
complete attention.” S
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WANT FREE
LILI WALLPAPER FOR
YOUR PHONE?
Text MAXIM to 50501.
Standard data
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1 4 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
LI STEN AND BURN
The 10 Worst
Sounds Ever
Scientists at New-
castle University
studied people’s brain
waves to determine
the world’s most
unpleasant sounds.
Strangely, Justin
Bieber’s voice didn’t
crack the top 10.
1. A knife scraping
against a bottle
2. A fork scraping
against glass
3. Chalk on a blackboard
4. A ruler scraping
on a bottle
5. Nails on a blackboard
6. Female scream
7. Angle grinder
8. Squealing bicycle brakes
9. Crying baby
10. Electric drill
Circus Maximus
NOW KNOW THI S
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BODY HATCHERS
Growing Veins
Organs failing? Need a new limb? Don’t settle for
a donor or a prosthetic: Researchers are whip-
ping up fresh batches of lab-grown body parts.
Trachea
Using a patient’s own stem cells lay-
ered atop a glass “scaffold,” doctors
at Karolinska University hospital
in Sweden swapped out a cancerous
trachea for a fresh lab-grown version
ready for celebratory cigars.
Penis
Like an ink-jet printer for genitals,
Anthony Atala, M.D., of Wake Forest
University’s Institute for Regen-
erative Medicine extracts your own
cells and grows duplicate penises
for transplantation. Make room for
a closet filled with backup dicks!
Lungs
Yale University researchers injected
damaged rat lungs with healthy cells
from a fetal rat, hit the “popcorn”
setting on an incubator, and watched
them grow into fully functional lung
tissue. Coming soon: human lungs.
Skin
A gizmo called ReCell, currently
being tested by the military, takes a
postage-stamp-size sample of your
skin and turns it into a spray that can
regrow large patches of damaged
flesh. Goodbye, name of ex-girlfriend
you carved into your forearm!
BAKED BADS
Ookie Oreos
This month America’s favorite
sandwich cookie turns 101
years old. And like most
centenarians, its life has not
been without regrets. Chew
on its most effed flavors.
Candy Corn
The Halloween
Oreo infuses the
filling with every
kid’s least favorite
trick-or-treat
candy. What, raisins
weren’t available?
Creamsicle
If we wanted to
eat a Creamsicle,
we’d do it as nature
intended: by fol-
lowing an ice cream
truck and stealing it
from some kid.
Green Tea
Sold in Asia, this
Oreo is like a practi-
cal joke where one
of your idiot friends
replaced the cream
filling with a wet,
used tea bag.
Peach and Grape
When your sinful
treat sounds more
like something
you would buy
at the farmers
market, you must
be doing it wrong.
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
1 5 m a r c h 2 0 1 3

m a x i m
GaG reeL
Porn
Blooper of
the Month
We point out a
factual error in the
adult film Voilá,
because how else
are you supposed
to enjoy it?
Before amy demon-
strated her podiatry
skills by using her
feet to jack off her
third cousin tony, the
two reminisced about
camping with their
Uncle Jackie. But third
cousins don’t have a
common uncle; their
only shared ancestor
is a great-great-grand-
parent. way to cheapen
that hot, incestuous
foot job. $24, girl-
friendsfilms.com
MatH Qui z
Pi or Pie?
The world celebrates Pi Day on 3/14. Can you tell which formulas
are the mathematical constant and which create a delicious pastry?
want a hot tub
on the cheap?
Just add pee!
FuLL steaM aHead
Hot tub tide Machine
Never leave home without your Jacuzzi again.
not since we impatiently waited for Titanic to end have we been
this excited by a ship filled with water. the hottug is the world’s
first wood-fired hot-tub boat. Created by Dutch designer Frank de
Bruijn, the vessel holds more than 475 gallons of water and uses
a wood-burning stove to heat it up to a muscle-melting 100°F. the
price varies from $11,500 to $21,000, but if that’s out of your price range you
can rent it out on the canals of rotterdam. Just make sure that when you ask for
a “Hottug,” you’re not in the red-light district.
1 )
(apples - core)
6
x (sugar + butter + cinnamon)
flour x shortening x (water + ice)
key lime juice + (eggs - whites)
5
x sweetened milk
graham crackers x butter x sugar
2(-1)
k
3
½-k
2k + 1
k = 0
sin(x)
x
dx
-
4 )
3 ) 2 )
a n s w e r s : 1 . k e y l i m e p i e , 2 . P i , 3 . P i , 4 . a p p l e p i e
i don’t have a beau-
tiful mind, but you
should see my ass.
1 6 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3 G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
Die Hard’s Best Blow Jobs
To salute A Good Day to Die Hard, we take a walk down Molotov
Lane and recall the franchise’s three best explosions. But how
realistic are they? FBI bomb tech KEVIN MILES tells us whether
or not the kablooies are just plain phooey.
Elevator Explosion
Die Hard
To thwart German terrorists
at Nakatomi Plaza, McClane swipes
a block of their C-4 explosives and
pulls a MacGyver, transforming it
into a makeshif bomb by sandwich-
ing it between an ofce chair and a
computer. Then he throws it down
an elevator shaf, and it detonates
upon impact, killing the bad guys
and becoming the most impressive
use of ofce supplies ever.
Bomb tech: “The wires coming out
of the C4 caps are twisted together.
Caps only work when the wires are
separated and connected to a power
source, and there isn’t one. Falling
50 stories might set them of, but it
is highly improbable.”
Jumbo Jet Explosion
Die Hard 2: Die Harder
While Det. John McClane
is fghting bad guys on the wing of a
moving jumbo jet about to take of,
he opens the fuel door, and a stream
of fammable liquid pours out. Mc-
Clane is knocked of the wing, and
right before the plane takes of he
pulls out his trusty Zippo lighter,
lights the stream of gasoline on fre,
and makes the airplane go boom.
Great product placement, Zippo!
Bomb tech: “While it’s possible,
it’s very unlikely that the trail of fuel
would move up to the wing. With
the plane doing 180 knots down
the runway and the engine on max
for takeof, the exhaust and wash
would serve to blow out the fre.”
Helicopter/Car Explosion
Live Free or Die Hard
When a gang of cyber-
terrorists leads McClane and his
new sidekick (played by Justin
Long) into the path of an assault
helicopter, our hero decides to take
down the chopper by driving his
car into a tollbooth, efectively
launching it into the air, where it
crashes into the helicopter in a
glo rious display of destruction. The
only thing less believable is Justin
Long as his partner.
Bomb tech: “Believe it or not, this
could actually happen. However, the
speed required for McClane’s car
to achieve that height would be so
fast that he would not have survived
his jump-and-roll out of the car.”
Yippie-ki-yay,
motherfuckers!
2 3 1
circus Maximus
obsession
Elin
nordegren
Tiger’s ex creates
the world’s sexiest
sand trap.
t’s been over three
years since Tiger
Woods admitted to
cheating on his wife, Elin
Nordegren, this woman, with
a pile of waitresses, hookers,
and porn stars. But time heals
all wounds, because clearly
the Swedish model is happier
and hotter than ever. Elin, if
you’re reading this, give us a
call. We have so much in com-
mon—we have a hat on, too!
i
Not a fan of litle
dimpled balls
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The Tam, Boston
Despite the shamrocks on the door, the Tam is not an Irish pub. But
it’s a place where coeds and crackheads alike take a (sticky) seat
at the bar in search of liquid good times. The barkeeps divide their
time slinging $5 whiskey drinks and keeping an eye on the riffraff.
That’s why the men’s room door was removed, and why you should
poop in the pizzeria next door. 222 Tremont St. Open 8 a.m.–2 a.m.
Dive Bar of the Month
Circus Maximus
Drinks
Got a depress-
ingly delightful
hometown dive?
Write to dive@
maxim.com.
Guess which one
isn’t peeing under
the table.
Sippin’ Gold
Class up St. Patty’s
Day with a dram of
JAMESON RAREST
VINTAGE RESERVE.
Careful not to spill it!
Get your Irish up the classy
way: with an old-ass bottle
of really expensive Irish
whiskey. At $260, Jame son
Rarest Vintage Reserve
isn’t cheap, but the mellow,
fruity finish is worth rob-
bing a bank for. Made from
a blend of vintage whiskeys
aged in port casks, the final
result is rich and deep—
just like Scrooge McDuck’s
pool of gold coins—and
features notes of toasted
wood and a touch of dark
chocolate. Don’t bother
fussying it up in a cocktail.
To drink it like a true Irish-
man, order it neat or with
an ice cube—or any other
member of seminal ’90s
rap group N.W.A.
Body Shots Gone Bad
The worst rip-offs in a bottle.
Sapporo
Space Barley,
$110/six-pack
Sapporo once
brewed a beer
with barley that
was grown in
space. At $18
a bottle, it was
more like drinking a
Sapporo in a strip club
than on a spaceship.
Diamond
Standard Vodka,
$121
Diamond Stan-
dard is “purified”
with thousands
of De Beers dia -
monds. Evident-
ly, the company
was founded in the only
town that has more dia-
monds than Brita filters.
G-Spirits No. 1
Collection,
$156–$182
G-Spirits pours
this booze over a
model’s breasts
before bottling,
yet they don’t
call it “boobze.”
If you enjoy it, you must
be (a) rich and lonely or
(b) a supervillain.
Boobs don’t
let boobs drink
and drive.
Michael, did you kill
yourself on purpose?
He says he didn’t. It was
just too many kinds of drugs in too
short a period of time.
Do you regret what happened?
At frst he did, because he was
making a comeback, but he says we
have to relinquish everything from
our last life before we can move on.
What did you think of the outpouring
of grief that followed your death?
“Unprecedented,” he says. There
wasn’t as much media or things like
Facebook and Twiter when Elvis
died, so it really was unprecedented.
Michael
Jackson
What has
the King of
Pop been
up to in
the afterlife? World-
renowned medium
VICTORIA BULLIS
summons the gloved
one’s spirit to find out.
What do you wish you had done
diferently while you were alive?
He wishes he hadn’t tried to look
white. And the plastic surgery, too.
He also regrets what happened to
Neverland. He wanted to honor his
inner child there and to have under-
privileged kids love it and enjoy it. It
was a beautiful place, and he wishes
that he had handled it diferently.
Handled it diferently how?
He did have incidents with boys
there, which is another regret.
Michael, you’re admiting that you
touched litle kids?!
“I was inappropriate” is what he
says. It all stemmed from his child-
like stance. He wanted to be like a
kid, and he really just wanted the
sleepovers he didn’t have as a child
because he was working.
Have you spent time with any of
your idols in the aferlife?
Yeah. All souls do that, and when
you’re on the other side, you have
access to everything. So he’s
spending time with the King, Elvis
Presley. I can even feel Elvis in
the room right now!
Now that you’re on the other
side, what do you think of your
portrayal of the undead in the
“Thriller” video?
He says now that the zombie con-
cept seems ludicrous, but he was
being creative. He’s showing me a
picture of submarines.
OK…Michael, do you have a
message for your family?
He’s not happy with his mother,
because she didn’t protect him from
his father. He likes La Toya a lot.
Plus, she’s a medium, so he can tell
her what he wants her to know—and
he does. She makes sure his wishes
are carried out with regard to his
kids. They all feel him around, by the
way. And Prince Michael is in the
process of learning how to hear him!
Do you moonwalk in the aferlife?
“I can go to the real moon,” he says.
I see Neil Armstrong up there with
him, nodding his head.
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
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Circus Maximus
Dead Celeb Q&A
“Even in the
aferlife, I can’t
fnd that other
friggin’ glove.”
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A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to
talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry,
she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to.
“Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked
by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the win-
dow but we couldn’t afford it, so I told you I would buy it for
you one day?” Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could
I forget?” Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next
door to it if you need me.”—MARTY, VI A E-MAI L
Circus Maximus
Jokes
Q: What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
A: I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.
—JAMES RI EL, BOSTON, MA
December’s Winner:
“No wonder disco is dead: It’s
impossible to breathe in here.”
—Jay Graf
Green men
can jump.
Beat This Caption
*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only to legal
U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins February 8, 2013 and ends March 4, 2013. Odds of
winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and ofcial rules with complete entry,
eligibility, prize, and other details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc.
See if your funny
bone is bigger than
ours. Send your
knee-slappers to
[email protected]
or tweet
#MaximJokes.
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are
sitting around talking about their kids. The
brunette says, “I found cigarettes in my
daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she
smoked.” The redhead replies, “I found
liquor in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t
know she drank.” The blonde chuckles and
says, “That’s nothing. I found condoms in
my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she
had a penis!”—ZAC RAI DER, VI A E-MAI L
Grandpa’s
Dirty Joke
He’s close to
death but far
from decency.
A woman in a
supermarket rushes
to the express line
with a few items. The
clerk has his back
turned to her, so she
says, “Excuse me,
I’m in a hurry. Could
you please check
me out?” The clerk
turns, looks her up
and down, and says,
“Nice tits.”
Found
Porn!
Edward Penis-
hands’ finest work.
—Jason Smith
Enter here!
Maxim.com/
contests*
Win this!
A collection of 32
New Era mini caps
in a display case!
Check results on
Maxim.com or in
the May issue.
2 1 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

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What should I do if
I see an endangered
animal eating an
endangered plant?
—Adam Erickson
Just let nature take its
course. “Plants often
rely on animals to ingest
their seeds and disperse
them when nature calls,”
says World Wildlife Fund
scientist Eric Diner-
stein. Remember that
the next time you smell
a flower—it likely grew
from a squirrel’s turd.
If you were born on a
boat in international
waters, what nation-
ality are you?
—Jesse Brueggemann
“The nationality of the
parent is the determin-
ing factor,” according to
José Alvarez, an inter-
national law professor
at New York University.
So even if you were
born on the ocean, if
your folks are French,
so are you. Sorry.
Bar Trivia
20
Percentage of adults who
plan on having a drink on
St. Patrick’s Day. Pathetic! 17
Percentage of men and women
who admit to infidelity with a
brother-in-law or sister-in-law.
Number of videos viewed on
YouTube every day. Antoine
Dodson never gets old!
Circus Maximus
Ask Maxim
Why do a girl’s nipples
do the opposite of a guy’s
penis when it’s cold?
—Dustin Hagemeier
It’s all about keeping warm. In the case of nips (our favorite Encyclopedia Brown
mystery, by the way), the pop is caused by tiny muscles contracting to trap
heat and raise any hairs she has to add warmth. Unfortunately, guys don’t have
those same sorts of muscles downstairs. Says anatomy expert Derek Walton:
“Your buddy has to tuck in close so he can be ready to come out and play for
those warm nights.” Tag, you’re it, wiener!
4 BILLION
GOT A
QUESTION?
Send it to ask@
maxim.com
He blamed the
shrinkage on
global warming.
Bug Out
Insect aficionado and star of Wild Things With…
DOMINIC MONAGHAN shares tips for enjoying a rain
forest expedition without dying of jungle fever.
Beware of Flesh-
Bound Insects
“If you contract
botflies, which
lay eggs inside
your skin, you can lure
them out by attaching
a piece of bacon to a
Band-Aid, placing it
on top of the bite, and
letting them crawl
out of your skin.”
And Flesh-Eating Ones
“Army ants
come out in mil-
lions, and if you
are on the ground and
debilitated, they’ll eat
you. They respond to
movement, so if you’re
spotted, stay still.”
Shine a Light on
Kicking Ass
“A military-
grade pocket
flashlight is a
great weapon because
it’s temporarily blinding
and there’s a semi-
serrated edge around
the bulb, so if an animal
attacks you can jam the
flashlight into it and
give it a good twist.”
Look, But Don’t Touch
“Plant life is
brutal. Trees
have thorns
and spikes, so wear
gloves and don’t touch
anything you can’t
identify, and definitely
don’t investigate leak-
ing sap, because it’s
usually poisonous.”
Eat Like a Monkey
“A good rule
of thumb when
you’re out
looking for food in the
jungle: If the monkeys
are eating it, you’ll
probably be OK.”
Wild Things
With Dominic
Monaghan airs
Tuesdays at 10
p.m. on BBC
America.
Dominic discovers the
long-lost fifth Beatle.
• A bite from a Brazilian
walking spider can incite a
painful erection that lasts
four hours…and kill you.
• A bite from a bushmaster
viper has a fatality rate of
about 80 percent.
• A person can’t survive losing
40 percent of his body mass,
which means someone with
24 pounds of fat can last up
to 60 days without food.
• An average person can sur-
vive a week without water.
The spider
finally finds
something
that can
satisfy her.
The long and short of going kaput in the outdoors. Survivor Stats
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M A R C H 2 0 1 3 2 2 G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
ADVERTI SEMENT
GET MORE. GET EXPOSED.
Check out Maximum Exposure every day on
Maxim.com/maximumexposure
MAXIM’S
HOTTIE HOST
HAS YOUR
DAILY DOSE
OF SEXY.
GO TO MAXIM.COM
TO WATCH APRIL
ROSE’S VIDEO
SERIES MAXIMUM
EXPOSURE.
SHE DEMANDS
YOUR CLICK!
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
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Conquer the
Recording Industry
TOMMY MOTTOLA, co-owner of Casablanca
Records and former head of Sony Music Enter-
tainment, on how to be a legendary hit maker.
KNOW HOW TO
CARRY A TUNE
“Most people who
want to be music exec-
utives simply have an
appreciation of music,
but I had the train-
ing ground of being
an artist and a music
publisher. I could tell
what was a good song
that would also be
commercial. So by the
time two odd-looking
guys from Philadelphia
walked into my ofce
and played me their
songs, which were
so original and extra-
ordinary, I knew they’d
be a hit. Those two
guys happened to be
Hall & Oates.”
STAY OUT OF
SPRINGSTEEN’S HAIR
“When Billy Joel or
Bruce Springsteen is
playing you his new
music, you just sit
back, listen, and know
that you’re hearing
greatness. You may
have some comments
about what the frst
single should be, but
that’s about it. If it’s
an artist like Jennifer
Lopez—someone with
big potential puting
out her frst record—
then you can say, ‘This
is what you need to
do’ and have a bunch
of producers and
songwriters lined up
and ready to go.”
BE READY AND
WILLING TO SELL OUT
“When we had a hit,
we’d sell 20 million
because we did some
unlikely things, like
taking on major cor-
porate sponsorships
that gave us millions
of extra dollars and
working with television
networks to create
specials for our stars.
Mariah, Celine, Gloria,
Ricky…They all had
major television
specials. That litle
tube is the biggest
marketing tool you
could ever have.”
Tommy Mottola’s
autobiography,
Hitmaker: The Man
and His Music,
is out now.
Hey, Tommy, make
J.Lo and Bruce
switch shirts!
WHAT YOU’LL NEED
• A condom
• A plastic bag
• 2 balls of twine/string
Blow up the condom
and keep it round in
shape when tying it of.
Tie an extra knot
around the end of the
condom-balloon with twine.
Put the “ball” into
the plastic bag and
faten the bag all around.
3
4
2
1
Wind the twine/
string in all directions
around the ball, keeping
the bag tight, and tie it of.
Play ball!
Make a
Condom Ball
Score with this soccer
ball from the Take Five
Web series Football
Made in Africa.
2 4 M A X I M

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G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E 2 6
• 1 cup each
white cabbage
and red cab-
bage, shredded
• 2 cups Guin-
ness stout
• 3 Tbs. sugar
• ¼ cup each
Kerrygold
Cashel Blue
and Irish
Whiskey
cheese
• Potato roll or
brioche bun
Directions
1. Separate
ground chuck
into two portions
and roll together
with frozen and
grated butter,
about ½ oz. into
every 7½ oz. of
meat. Form into
patties. Chill.
2. Melt remain-
ing butter in a
pan over medi-
um heat; sauté
leeks, onion,
and mushrooms
till they turn a
caramel color.
Season with salt
and pepper.
3. Do a quick
sauté of the
cabbages for
a little crunch,
then add to the
veggie mixture.
4. In a pot, com-
bine the Guin-
ness and sugar
and boil until it
reduces. Add
the reduction,
a cup at a time,
to the vegetable
mixture until all
liquid is ab-
sorbed. Add
Irish Whiskey
cheese on top,
lower heat, and
THE EMERALD
ISLE DOUBLE
BURGER
Ingredients
• 1 lb. Certified
Angus Beef
ground chuck,
80 percent
lean
• 2 Tbs. Irish
butter, frozen
and grated,
plus extra for
sautéing
• 1 cup each
sliced crimini
mushrooms,
yellow onion,
and leeks
cook until the
cheese is melt-
ed. Remove from
heat and set
aside.
5. Sear the pat-
ties outside
on the grill or
indoors in a
cast-iron skillet
until cooked to
desired temp.
6. Slice the roll.
Place a few small
slices of onion
and cabbage on
the top piece,
and put in oven
until toasted.
7. Butter the bun
and place the
two patties into
it with Cashel
Blue cheese in
between. Add
the vegetable
and cheese
mixture and top
with the other
half of the bun.
8. Wash it down
with Guinness,
Jameson, or
any type of
green liquid for
a more or less
authentic St.
Patty’s meal!
Make a St. Patty’s Day Burger
Prepare your belly for green beer with a wonderfully weird Irish-themed
burger, courtesy of Smashburger founder TOM RYAN.
Go to
smashburger.com
to find
a location
near you!
Stay away
from me pot
of gold! See,
I couldn’t
find a rest
room…
Keep more of your hard-earned money. With TurboTax.
You keep finding ways to earn your money. And we keep finding ways to help you
hold onto it. Like a smartphone app that lets you do your taxes right on your phone.
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answer a few simple questions, hit e-file, and you’ll get back every penny you deserve.
Learn more at TurboTax.com.
The power to keep what’s yours.™
TurboTax mobile solutions work on select smartphones. ©2012 Intuit Inc. All rights reserved. Intuit, the Intuit logo, TurboTax and the TurboTax checkmark design, among others, are registered trademarks and/or service marks of
Intuit Inc., in the United States and other countries.
Bounce Up and Down,
Competitively
Stabby Spartacus: War of the Damned
star LIAM MCINTYRE kicks ass on the
small screen…and the trampoline! Really!
PREPARE FOR PAIN
“When I competed in college, we’d
start with 20 minutes of light cardio
and an hour of stretching. Then we’d
head to the trampoline to practice
a new move, 15 minutes at a time.
The next day everything hurts.”
LEARN THE HARD WAY
“I went halfway through a somer-
sault, forgot how to go through the
rest of it, and dove toward the tram-
poline. I managed to tuck my head
under before I snapped my neck.
Turns out that’s actually a move!”
STARVE
“You eat prety much everything
that’s normally too boring to eat. If
it has favor, you can’t have it. For
breakfast, I’d usually have porridge
and a protein shake mixed together
in a very interesting combination.”
WARN YOUR NUTS
“The hardest part of trampolining
is probably hiting the springs in
your private parts. That is terrible!
And check your sanity at the door,
because you have to be kind of
insane to get into this.”
“I will slay them
…with fun!”
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TurboTax.
FILE FREE
with
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have questions.
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at TurboTax.com
Tax professionals authorized under IRS Circular 230 to provide
tax prep assistance. Live tax help service is subject to availability,
restrictions & change without notice. See TurboTax.com for
details. ©2012 Intuit Inc. All rights reserved. Intuit, the Intuit logo,
TurboTax and the TurboTax checkmark design, among others,
are registered trademarks and/or service marks of Intuit Inc., in
the United States and other countries.
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
Rule the Tourney
BEN HOFFMAN, comedian and Kentucky
fanatic, on mastering March Madness.
Drain a Three-Pointer
Knicks sharpshooter STEVE NOVAK teaches
you how to kill from behind the arc.
Forget Dunking
“A lot of the athletic
players never commited
themselves to learning
to shoot three-pointers.
To say I’m not the most
athletic guy in the NBA
is an understatement,
so I practiced the same
shot over and over.”
Keep It Simple
“I’m more of a set
shooter, which helps
in the fourth quarter
when you’re tired. Keep
the footwork minimal:
Catch the ball, one, two,
step in, and keep good
balance so you can hold
your follow-through.”
Ignore the Bench
“Some teams wave their
towels or stomp their
feet when you catch the
ball, but it’s the same
distance on every court,
so just stick to your
routine and it’ll go in.”
DON’T GET TOO
CAUGHT UP IN IT ALL…
It’s tough being a Ken-
tucky fan—all our play-
ers are one and done.
It’s hard to be a huge
fan of guys who you
just met a few weeks
before and are about
to go to the NBA and
make more money
than you’ll ever see.
Attention, sports
fans: Go to Indiana
to get head.
“Open wide, Mr. Net,
here comes dinner!”
...BUT STICK WITH
YOUR TEAM
Of course, I’m still root-
ing for the Wildcats. I
can’t bet against my
own team. And despite
how good we’ve been,
it still means I’ve lost
something like 30
times, so I can’t really
recommend this as a
beting strategy.
LET IT ALL HANG OUT
At the game? Forget
the huge signs and
leave the other team
alone. Unless the sign
has my face on it and
info on my show. That’ll
get their atention.
The Ben Show
premieres February 28
on Comedy Central.
The road-ripping BMW i8 hyBrid plugs in like an electric
toothbrush (but does almost nothing to prevent gingivitis).
Charge!
emember that
hot hippie girl
from history
class who was environ-
mentally conscious but
still shaved her pits?
That’s kind of what
BMW’s i8 is. (Except you
can’t copy off its test.)
This electric hybrid, for
sale in 2014, is great for
city driving but can also
burn gas (and tear ass)
like any other supercar
on the road. Its estimated
87 mpg means trips to
gas stations will fade in
the rearview. You also
won’t have to worry about
getting pulled over or
stuck in gridlock, because
its system is loaded with
alerts about speed limits
and traffic conditions. Go
fast, look cool, and save
the environment…You’re
Captain friggin’ Planet!
—Evan Bleier
R
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M A X I M
VIDEO GAMES
We couldn’t play
Big Buck Hunter at
the bar without it.
URINALS
Touching stale
piss on the lever
was geting old.
FENCES
If you’ve ever
peed on one,
you know why.
THE INTERNET
There’s no
substitute for
streaming porn.
VIBRATORS
As if we didn’t
have enough
to compete with.
DRUMS
If you have any
questions, see
Music, Techno.
POSITIVES NEGATIVES
PRICE
$123,000 (est.)
ENGINE
Hybrid electric/
three-cylinder gas
TwinPower turbo
Spec Check
HORSEPOWER
354
TOP SPEED
155 mph (limited)
0–60 MPH
4.5 seconds
Zap This, Not That
Adding electricity to things can have positive and negative results. A quick study.
It’s German, yet
doesn’t like geting
pooped on. Weird.
Stuff
Gear
Jack Daniel Unaged
Tennessee Rye
JD’s first all-new drink in 100 years
might look like water, but it tastes
like fire. Delicious, delicious fire. One
of the most popular boozes before
prohibition (isn’t history fun?), rye
whiskey is about as American as
apple pie. $50, jackdaniels.com
Montie Gear
GloveShot Slingshot
Who doesn’t need a wrist-
mounted slingshot that
can launch objects up to
16 pounds with accuracy?
Made from high-quality
aluminum, it’s even more
effective than a BB gun for
shooting someone’s eye
out. $190, montiegear.com
The Big Boy
Toy Shelf
From the affordable to the
astronomical, a few goodies
that guarantee good times.
Monster DNA On-Ear Headphones
These tough headphones can withstand any
abuse, whether it’s stuffing them in a back-
pack or blasting Michael Bolton. They also
have dual inputs to connect with another pair,
so you can spread the love to that girl on the
subway, providing she doesn’t get out the
pepper spray. $230, monstercable.com
GoPro HERO3:
Black Edition
Light, waterproof, and capable
of taking 30 photos per second
as well as shooting cinema-
quality slow-motion 1080p video
(think The Matrix), the HERO3
will help you capture your
nephew’s birthday…or money
shots. It’s wi-fi enabled, so you
can control it remotely with an
app on your phone or tablet. Get
your spy on! $400, gopro.com
M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
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March
2013
3 7 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
Forget March
Madness—
how about
some Elisha Cuthbert
madness? The cutest
canuckin’ Canadian
that ever was returns
to Maxim for her fourth
cover shoot! Following
Elisha you’ll fnd
supermodel turned
actress Anne V and
Maxim favorite Joanna
Krupa. March is
indeed roaring in like
a lion—a sexy lion!
3 8 M A X I M

M O N T H 2 0 1 2
OH
,
HAP
BY RACHEL ROSENBLIT
ABC’S HAPPY ENDINGS HA S
WITH ELISHA CUTHBERT A
3 9 M O N T H 2 0 1 2

M A X I M
PPY DAY!
PHOTOGRAPHS BY JOHN RUSSO
S GIVEN OUR OBSESSION
A WHOLE NEW BEGINNING.
4 0 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
hometown
Calgary, Alberta
birthday
November 30
4 1 M O N T H 2 0 1 2

M A X I M
Lace bodysuit
Zimmermann
Shirt
Yoonmi Lee
Belt
Elegantly Waisted
Jewelry
Sam Lehr
C
Canada has gifed us
many treasures (John
Candy, maple syrup,
hockey fghts), but
none have inspired
such lusty American
fervor as the pouty-
lipped bombshell Elisha
Cuthbert. We really got
to know Elisha in her
breakout role as 24’s
catastrophe-prone
Kim Bauer, where she
routinely put her dad in
near-death situations.
(Hey, who hasn’t?)
These days on ABC’s
Happy Endings, she’s
once again irresistible
as Alex, an enthusiastic
ditz whose passions
include Woody Allen
and, uh, oversize
sausages. So take a
seat poolside and
enjoy Elisha’s fourth
Maxim cover shoot.
Bow down before
the most beautiful
woman on television!
4 2 M A X I M

M O N T H 2 0 1 2
Swimsuit
Zimmermann
Shorts
Giorgio Armani
Belt
Elegantly Waisted
Earrings
Karine Sultan
Bracelets
Sam Lehr
Ring
Isharya
(opening spread)
Swimsuit
Zimmermann
Heels
Jerome C. Rousseau
Earrings
Karine Sultan
Ring
Sam Lehr
S
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GO TO
MAXIM.COM
FOR MORE
IMAGES &
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4 3 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
You’ve been named
Maxim’s Most Beautiful
Woman on Television.
Congratulations!
Well-deserved.
That’s very fattering, and
I sincerely thank you, but I
think you’re all crazy! To
think that one person could
be the most beautiful when
there’s Kaley Cuoco, Sofía
Vergara, Zooey Deschanel?
They’re all stunning. I’m not
gonna fght anyone about
it, though. I’ll accept it with
grace. But being on a show
with two other beautiful
women, this is gonna make
going to work very uncom-
fortable. I don’t know, this
might be a curse.
Happy Endings is one
of the funniest ensemble
comedies on TV. We’ve
noticed that the show
never misses an oppor-
tunity to take a crack
at John Mayer, which
we appre ciate.
We’ll take a crack at any-
body. No one is safe! I think
it’s genius on the part of
the writers, because our
generation is so saturated
with pop culture that it’s
impossible not to incorpo-
rate it into our dialogue.
Bradley Cooper’s been on
the chop ping block a few
times. Even Ryan Gosling,
for wearing man-scarves.
Aren’t you supposed to
be in love with those
guys, like every other
woman in America?
It’s funny you mention that,
because in interviews
everyone is always asked
who their celebrity crush is,
and I haven’t had one since
Jordan Knight from New
Kids on the Block, when I
was 12. Now I just say Oprah.
I love that woman. She’ll
go to someone’s house and
bring a huge bucket of
oranges she picked from
her Santa Barbara home.
Oprah, when did you have
time to pick two dozen
oranges from your garden?
Did you tune in for her
interview with the Kar -
dashians? She went
prety easy on them.
Well, the Kardashians are
pretty tough to reckon with
right now. They’re kind
of taking over the world.
I wouldn’t start any beef
with them, either…I love
all the Kardashians!
You got your break as
Kim Bauer on 24, an
intensely dramatic show.
How did the Happy
Endings folks know you
could do comedy?
Because of my ridiculous
antics of-set. I don’t think
they hired me because I was
funny, I’m gonna be honest.
But during the frst season,
David Caspe, the creator, saw
me goofng around doing a
dance with an invisible hula
hoop, and he was laughing.
When we came in to do
season two, he said, “You
wanna add your dance into
this scene?” He passed me
the baton, and it kind of
snowballed from there. And
now I’m at a place where I’m
willing to try anything.
As in the hilarious scene
from last year’s Christ-
mas episode where you
participate in a dance-of
with a batery-operated
“Hip-Hop Santa”?
I got a lot of love for that
scene. It blows my mind that
people were digging my
moves. Maybe they didn’t
expect me to have any sort of
rhythm? I can move, guys!
Happy Endings isn’t
flmed before a live
audience. How do you
get comedic feedback?
Sometimes when I’m on a
plane, I’ll watch someone
who’s watching the show.
I’m just secretly watching to
see if they’re gonna laugh.
Then they turn around, and
I give a creepy wave.
Your costar Damon
Wayans Jr. is basically
American comedy
royalty. Did you grow
up watching his family
like the rest of us?
Major Payne was always in
my VHS. That movie was
so funny. I’ll say the line,
“Killin’ is my business,
laaadiiiees!” seven million
times in a row. And I actu-
ally got the chance to talk
to Damon Sr. and tell him
what a huge flm that was for
me. I know it’s not Schindler’s
List, but it’s awesome.
You recently became
engaged to hockey
player and fellow Cana-
dian Dion Phaneuf. But
was there ever a time in
your single days when
you could relate to the
character you played in
Old School—the girl
who’s totally cool with
one-night stands?
No, not really. That’s one
of those characters that
every guy wishes was the
case. That’s what movies
are all about, the fctitious
character you can only
dream about.
Speaking of fantasy
characters, your turn as
a porn star in The Girl
Next Door is prety
high up there on that list.
To be honest, I think one
reason guys liked that
character so much is because
I didn’t go fully nude. My
character really could be the
girl of every guy’s dreams,
instead of having them see
her naked and going, “Oh,
that’s not my thing.” Remem -
ber Weird Science? Kelly
LeBrock never got naked.
She didn’t show you every-
thing. I think that’s why it
resonated with more men
than it probably should have.
One of the scenes in
The Girl Next Door was
shot at an actual porn
convention. What do you
remember about that?
I remember I had a lot of
real porn stars tell me I
was like their Julia Roberts
from Pretty Woman. Nice
sentiment but, you know,
a little awkward.
So once and for all:
Is the 24 movie ever
going to happen?
I’ll be 60 years old by the
time we do that thing! I
know it exists. It’s out there.
But when are we going to
do it? You’re asking the
wrong person. Kiefer is
Jack Bauer, and Jack Bauer
knows everything. You’ll
have to ask that guy.

“WITH THE GIRL
NEXT DOOR, A
LOT OF REAL
PORN STARS
TOLD ME I WAS
LIKE THEIR JULIA
ROBERTS FROM
PRETTY WOMAN.”
ADVERTI SEMENT
SPONSORED BY
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S
u
p
e
r
M
d
e
l
t
H
e
MaxiM
all-star
Joanna Krupa
is a real
Housewife
of MiaMi...
and Hotter
tHan ever.
by
Stephanie
radvan
photographs by
victoria
JanaShvili
n
e
x
t
d
r
hometown
Warsaw, Poland
birthday
April 23
From fox-troting on Dancing With
the Stars to cat-fghting on The Real
Housewives of Miami, Joanna Krupa has
become the queen of reality TV. Meow!
Shooting in lingerie
iS eaSy, but totally nude
iS nerve-racking.
M a r c h 2 0 1 3

M a x i M
Your fans last saw you on The
Real Housewives of Miami. Was
shooting it as insane as shooting
Dancing With the Stars?
I’d say DWTS was tougher—it was physi-
cally and mentally exhausting! When
you’re out dancing with your friends,
you think you’re cool. But then you get
in the ballroom and it’s totally diferent.
You came in fourth place. That’s
quite an accomplishment.
That was one of my proudest moments.
I’m very ambitious and competitive, so
I wanted to do well. But don’t get me
wrong—for some of the ladies The Real
Housewives was also a competition! I was
shocked by how low people could hit be-
low the belt just to get some camera time.
Housewives is known for bat-shit
behavior. Why did you sign up?
I’ve always been very diverse with my
career, so I thought, Why not? I also
wanted to show my fans that even though
I have a glamorous career, it doesn’t
mean my personal life is glamorous.
Were you nervous the cameras would
catch you, like, picking your nose?
Going into it I wasn’t really nervous, be-
cause I assumed it was going to be semi-
scripted. Then on the frst day of flming,
was watching a news clip of Romain
talking about his nightclub, Mynt, and
I looked over and thought, Holy shit,
who is that guy? I was actually planning
a party at the time, so I had it there and
gave him my number.
Do you still go out to clubs a lot?
I’ve been going out since I was 16 years
old, so by now I’m kind of over it. Plus,
I travel for work so much that when
I’m home I love to be lazy and watch
movies on the couch with my dogs.
It sounds like you stay out of trouble.
Do you have any guilty pleasures?
Just chocolate, candy, and molten cake!
I was like, “OK, what’s the plan?” and
they told me, “Just be yourself.” It was
one of the easiest things I’d ever done.
Viewers got a behind-the-scenes
look at a risqué new PETA ad.
Are you completely comfortable
stripping down on-camera?
I defnitely walk around the house naked.
On-camera it depends exactly how much
clothing is coming of. Shooting in lingerie
or holding my boobs is easy, but going
totally nude is still a little nerve-racking.
We know you won’t date men who
wear fur. What’s your type of guy?
I need a man with a good sense of
humor and a kind heart. I can’t stand
cocky, rude people.
How did your fancé, Romain Zago,
get your atention?
I made the frst move. My ex-boyfriend
G o T o M A x I M. c o M F O r M O r e 4 9
5 0 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
DIE
HARD
HOT
Every day is A Good Day to Die Hard
when actress-supermodel Anne V is involved.
by STEPHANIE RADVAN
5 2 m a x i m

m a r c h 2 0 1 3
Usually I like to cover
myself with a litle
something, but body
painting is incredible.
You’ve seen
this red-hot
Russian
struting down
the Victoria’s
Secret runway
and rolling
around in
the sand for
bikini shoots
(stupid lucky
sand!). But now
super model
Anne V is set to
ignite the big
screen in the
explosive ffh
installment
of Die Hard.
prepare to get
blown away.
Congrats on your
acting debut! how did
you get involved in a
Good Day to Die Hard?
It all happened so fast.
I was auditioning for a
diferent flm, but the
studio thought I was a
better ft for Die Hard, so
they asked me to read
for that. I literally had
half an hour to prepare
my lines in Russian. I
didn’t think there was
any chance I’d get the
part, but I got a call the
next day, and the day
after that I was on a
plane going to the shoot!
It was insane.
So you didn’t
really have time to
get nervous.
Exactly—I didn’t get a
chance to freak out. It
was the most amazing
experience I’ve had
in my life. When I was
growing up in Russia,
we had, like, fve VHS
tapes, and one of them
was The Fifth Element.
So I was always a huge
Bruce Willis fan.
You appeared along -
side Alec Baldwin on
his Vanity Fair cover.
have you thought
about trying comedy?
Yes, I fell in love with
acting and really hope to
do more of it. Actually,
when I did that shoot
with Alec Baldwin last
year, I didn’t realize
how big he is. I’d never
seen 30 Rock. I decided
to check it out a few
months later and
became completely
obsessed with him!
in terms of modeling,
you’ve appeared in
lingerie, bikinis, and
body paint. Which one
of those makes you
feel the sexiest?
Usually I like to cover
myself with a little
something, but body
painting is incredible.
Sure, you have to stand
around naked for 10
hours while they paint
you, but the fnished
product is amazing. Still,
I’d say I feel best in
bikinis because I love
being on the beach.
So are those shoots
actually hard work or
more like a vacation?
Sometimes you really
are working all day.
Standing on a New York
roof in freezing temper -
atures in a teeny-tiny
outft is nothing out of
the ordinary. But if I’m
doing a beach shoot,
it’s just three hours in
the morning and three
hours in the evening
in some crazy-gorgeous
place. That’s more like
a holiday.
So apart from frost -
bite, are there any
other dangers on
modeling shoots?
I had a petrifying shoot
in Cleveland at the
Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame. I was standing
on this makeshift
elevated platform next
to a Pink Floyd prop
on the wall. So I’m
balancing on this little
thing in heels, about
eight foors up, and it
was like, you take half
a step of and you’re
dead. In movies they
have safety nets for this
stuf, but fashion people
don’t think of that.
hey, speaking of
Cleveland, we heard
you’re quite the
LeBron James fan.
He’s a spectacular
athlete. He was incred -
ible with the Cavaliers,
and now he’s incredible
with the Heat. I fnally
got to see him play in
person recently and—
excuse my language,
but that ass is amazing.
We’ll take your word
for it. Besides a great
ass, what qualities do
you look for in guys?
I don’t even know
anymore! I’ve always
liked American guys
who are goofy and
outdoorsy, but the
biggest turn-on for me
is a smart person. If I
hear someone went to
Harvard, I’m like, “Oh,
I like you very much.”
But have you ever
dated an American
guy who correctly
pronounced your last
name, Vyalitsyna,
the frst time?
No. They always need a
few weeks.
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i
m
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s
)
hometown
Nizhny Novgorod,
Russia
birthday
March 19
Late Night was the frst
show to make gaming
and social media integral
elements, but even
back when you were on
Saturday Night Live,
you always seemed
connected to tech stuf.
Yeah, I was one of the frst
cast members to say we ought
to embrace geek culture and
technology, whether it was
playing the IT guy or doing
“Jarret’s Room,” which was
basically a Wayne’s World
rip-of with a Webcam. Back
then I remember people
saying, “Do kids really do
this?” I’m like, “Yeah! There
are people doing Web shows
from their dorm rooms all
over the country!”
So that was all a part of
your world?
I was a computer science
major in college, and my dad
worked at IBM, so I grew up in
a computer family, but I wasn’t
a total geek. I was friends with
everyone: the burnouts, the
jocks, the geeks. I think that’s
natural for a comedian: You’re
so desperate for everyone to
like you that you become
friends with everybody.
Are you a gadget freak?
Oh, yeah. When I was on
SNL, I was rocking the
Motorola clamshell. I saved
up money for a Palm Pilot
and was like, “You guys, this
is the future! We’ll all be
drawing letters!” Now I use an
iPad, I have a Kindle, I have a
Nintendo 3DS to keep my
mind sharp. But the iPod was
the single most important
invention of my life. It blew
my mind. I put all my CDs
on my computer and gave
them to my sister. That just
changed everything.
You took a prety inter-
esting approach to
relaunching Late Night.
Lorne Michaels, our execu-
tive producer, has always
been ahead of the curve, so
when we started, he was
like, “You should start the
show online and grow from
there,” because we didn’t
have a studio yet. So I just
started flming these little
Webisodes and tweeting
them. We knew when we frst
started we wanted to involve
the Internet and social media
as much as possible. And early
on it was a fun way to get
feedback immediately and for
the audience to get to know
me, and vice versa, as much
as possible. Because people
were like, “Oh, I know Jimmy
Fallon; he’s the dude who
laughs at himself on SNL.”
What kind of efect
has tech nology had on
late-night TV shows?
Back in the day, as a viewer
you used to have an hour with
a talk show host every night.
But with social media now,
you can practically live with
them if you want to. Twitter
was just starting when we
launched the show; we were
actually on it before we even
had the show. Other late-night
shows were making fun of it,
#TheComicConquerer
Geeking
Out With
Jimmy Fallon
The host of Late Night embraces
his inner computer dork.

The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.

—Neil deGrasse Tyson, renowned astrophysicist and frequent late-night guest
WORDS OF WISDOM
FROM BIG COOL BRAINS
#SmartTalk
THE GET-PAID (AND GET-LAID) SECRETS
OF THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARDS OF
TECH, SOCIAL MEDIA, AND THE WEB.
#whydidntwethinkofthatfirst #couldhavebeenrich #beingdumbblows illustrations by DKNG STUDIOS
Megabyting
humor
5 5 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
5 6 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
#TheNotEvilGenius
Meet the Real-life
Tony Stark
Inventor-entrepreneur-billionaire Elon Musk
has conquered space and dates starlets.
Now all he wants to do is save humanity.

Just 41, Elon Musk has already packed several lifetimes’ worth of
achievement into a career that calls to mind such inventors and
big thinkers as Thomas Edison, Ben Franklin, and whoever invent -
ed lollipops. He’s parlayed the fortune he made as a founder of
PayPal into cutting-edge electric-car company Tesla Motors and
private space-travel outft SpaceX (which supplies the International Space Station
with provisions). “I’ve always been interested in things I thought would afect
human destiny—the Internet, sustainable energy, and space,” says the man who
was the model for Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark in the Iron Man movies. Musk
envisions a future where we colonize Mars, shed our dependency on foreign oil,
and can travel from L.A. to San Francisco in 30 minutes. “I feel like I’m here at
the right time,” says Musk. “If not for the Internet, where it’s possible to start
with no capital and end up with a valuable company, it would have taken me a
long time to build up these other businesses. It’s important to remember that
being a good global citizen and a good businessman are not mutually exclusive.”
and I was like, “Trust me, this
thing is going to be here for a
while.” Back then I would
look and see that we had 30
followers, and that meant 30
more people were watching
the show—that would get me
seriously excited! Now it’s
four years later, and we have
6.7 million followers. Our
show is very modular, so we
can break it down with, say,
a three-minute monologue,
then a three-minute comedy
sketch or an interview or a
musical performance. So you
don’t have to watch the whole
hour like you did when
Johnny Carson was around.
It’s changing everything.
You seem to have mas -
tered the art of the viral
video. What’s the secret?
You never really know what’s
going to go viral, so you just
try and do stuf that the
audience hasn’t seen before,
like President Obama slow-
jamming the news or Tom
Hanks reading slam poetry
about Full House. One thing
we try to do is, if we think
something could go viral,
we’ll put it up on YouTube
immedi ately, before the show
even airs. Like when Justin
Timberlake and I did “The
History of Rap.” I assumed
that would be a big thing. I
remember getting a call from
Justin after it aired, saying,
“You’re on the cover of a
French newspaper.” And I go,
“You’re kidding. They know
who I am in France?” And he
goes, “No, they know who I
am. I’m Justin Timberlake.”
Given that you’ve been
into this tech world for
so long, have you been
able to cash in at all?
We did an episode of “Jarret’s
Room” with Seann William
Scott back in 2001, which was
about the freshman facebook
and making fun of all the
new students. And this was
before Facebook even existed!
So I need to hook up with the
Winklevoss twins and get some
of that Zuckerberg money.

Part of me would love to be a pioneer on Mars, but I think I would struggle without my
friends and family. [But] if the colony were large enough and had a decent cofee shop, I’d
consider moving.

—Bobak Ferdowsi, NASA fight director for the Mars rover Curiosity
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM BIG COOL BRAINS
Will one day make
Martian babies
ROB DELANEY
Rob is prety well
known on Twiter,
but damn it, he makes
me laugh every day.
@robdelaney I just
invented a new sex
position called the
Fragrant Apache. DM
me for details if you’re
a plus-size model
and/or have a car.
I mostly make movies and
produce some TV, but
guess what? I also enjoy
the Twiter, the Funny or
Die, the YouTube (I like
to put “the” in front of
everything, like the
Maxim). Here are fve
people who make me
laugh consistently. Enjoy!
RYAN PEREZ
Ryan is a writer-
director as well as
an actor on Funny or Die.
He’s been banging out
original hilarious videos
for a few years now.
Follow the Adam on
Twiter @ghostpanther.
DAVID REES
First in a comic strip,
then in animated
shorts for Hufngton Post,
Rees has been doing “Get
Your War On” for a while,
using clip-art characters
who talk like ’roided-up
jingoistic boneheads. They
always make me laugh.
SARAH BEATTIE
Do you like raunchy,
insane jokes? I do.
Plus, she dresses up like
obscure anime characters.
It’s a winning combo.
@nachosarah I like the
phrase “bury the hatchet”
because it implies
someone was trying to
resolve an argument
with a fucking hatchet.
ALEX BAZE
Alex writes the jokes
you love on SNL, for
“Weekend Update.” He
can be funny in one sen-
tence, which is really hard.
@bazecraze Lance Arm -
strong was doping?? I
swear I will never watch
cycling before!
#InstaHotties
Hot Pics All the Time!
Thanks to the wonders of Instagram,
we get to ogle beauties like these without
the pesky Tasers. Sweet!
Alana Blanchard
@alanarblanchard
328,202 Followers
Denice Wimbush
@denicewim
5,494 Followers
Kelsey Okerstrom
@kelsey_lianne
1,416 Followers
Amanda Gif
@amandagif
20,294 Followers
Kristen Weatherbee
@kristenbrooke1
1,038 Followers
Noelia Santos
@noeliasantos
43,221 Followers
#TheGatekeepers
Whether you call
them evangelists,
curators, or people
who just won’t shut
up, these are the
guys who know
what’s next before
you know what now
is. Look at Reddit,
the “front page of the
Internet.” General
manager Erik Martin
keeps the motor
running and helps
determine the next
meme to go viral.
Over at Mashable,
Pete Cashmore puts
together the clear-
inghouse and the
clarion call for all
things tech. Through
the TED conferences,
Chris Anderson has
provided big think-
ers with the ultimate
digital soapbox.
And then there’s
Chris Messina, the
open-source advo-
cate who created
the #hashtag. Who
could have predicted
the Web would pro-
vide more than just
porn and McRib-
availability updates?
#TheGuffawGod
Lords of the LOL
Funny or Die cofounder
Adam McKay on the
Web’s wackiest wonders.
#TheFunnyPeople
Technology does
not make someone
funny. Marc Maron,
creator of the hilari-
ous podcast “WTF,”
is prety fucking
far from being a
geek, but like fellow
comics Louis CK,
Daniel Tosh, and
Jimmy Kimmel, he’s
used tech to get his
good stuf out to
millions, parlaying
his podcast’s suc-
cess into a TV series,
a book deal, and a
bigger audience for
his stand-up act.
Louis CK used tech
to release his come-
dy specials and sell
tickets directly to
fans. Tosh harnessed
the power of the nut-
shot video and made
Tosh.0 a Comedy
Central cash cow.
And by turning his
audience into an
army of pranksters,
Kimmel has shaken
up late-night TV (if
you like seeing kids
get delightfully tor-
tured, go directly to
his YouTube channel).
#TheHeadNerdInCharge
How the Dweebs
Conquered the
Universe
Chris Hardwick—comic and king of the
Nerdist empire—on the rise of geek culture.

“People always ask me the diference between a geek and a nerd,
and it really boils down to semantics. Some people will tell you
that nerds are a little more technical, whereas geeks are a little
more pop-culture-obsessed. So a nerd might rebuild your com-
puter, and then a geek might watch Battlerstar Galactica on it.
The bottom line is that we’re all really almost unnaturally passionate about the
things we love, and those things happen to be technology, sci-f, and Dungeons
& Dragons. It’s just that now these things are sort of accepted in society, which
wasn’t the case when I was growing up. Back then you were weird, and exiled.
But those same people were the early adopters who’d go to RadioShack and
build their own computers. It wasn’t ubiquitous like it is now—you actually had
to seek stuf out. But a lot of those early adopters went on to become billion-
aires. Everything that is the foundation of our culture now nerds made. I don’t
think it’s hard to see why that happened.”

I regard myself as a rational progressive. I believe in intellectual progress—that
we as a species are gradually becoming smarter.

—Nate Silver, statistician who
accurately predicted just about everything in the 2012 presidential election
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM BIG COOL BRAINS
Nerd With
Friends
5 8 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
#TheEntrepreneurs
Move Over, Zuckerberg
Mr. Facebook isn’t the only computer whiz
to turn a knack for coding into big bucks.
Meet the other baby billionaires conquering
the world of technology.
DAVID KARP
The 26-year-old founder
and CEO of Tumblr
learned how to code at 11,
dropped out of school at
15, launched the blogging
platform at 20, and by 24
was named one of the top
35 innovators under the
age of 35 in the world by
MIT. You know how we
were spending our time at
age 11? Get your mind out
of the guter! (But, yeah,
we were masturbating.)
MARK PINCUS
As the founder and CEO of
Zynga—which makes
games like FarmVille and
Words With Friends—Pin-
cus is the man responsible
for your poor productivity
(and highly productive
tomato crop!). The gaming
company boasts more
than 230 million users per
month, and is one reason
the 46-year-old entrepre-
neur landed on Forbes’ list
of richest billionaires.
HARPER REED
With his mohawk, pier-
cings, and complicated
facial hair, the chief tech-
nology ofcer for the
Obama campaign looks
more like a drummer in
a punk band than a tech
whiz, but the former CTO
of Threadless tees has
shown an unrivaled mas-
tery of social media. He
also calls himself “one of
the coolest guys ever,”
and who are we to argue?

When I got to college, I was intending to study flm. But I found that my brain was feeling
mushy, so I took a few math classes. I started doing really well at them and solving equa-
tions was this, like, drug rush.

—Danica McKellar, “Winnie Cooper,” mathematician
#TheVillians
For every cute kiten
chasing its shadow,
there’s a Kim Dotcom,
the 6'6", 300-pound
billionaire founder
of (now shutered)
fle-sharing site
Megaupload, who
spends his time
walled within his
New Zealand com-
pound partying
with models, collect-
ing luxury cars,
recording horrible
dance songs, and
being charged with
criminal piracy by
the U.S. government.
And then there’s
Hunter Moore, the
so-called Most Hated
Man on the Internet,
who gave jilted,
vengeful, and just-
plain douchey dudes
a forum to shame
their exes on IsAn-
yoneUp.com. And
of course there are
über-trolls like Reddit
icon Violentacrez,
who was recently
outed by Gawker and
lost his job. Beware
evildoers: Making
nasty jokes could
cost you your 401(k).
DANIEL EK
Remember when the
music industry was at
death’s door? You know,
like, two years ago? Well,
thanks to this Swedish
wunderkind (who started
his frst company at 14)
and his Spotify streaming
service, listening to songs
is now so easy that greedy
fans are no longer illegally
downloading music and
artists are geting paid
again. Incredibly, even
Lars Ulrich is on board.
JACK DORSEY
Do you fnd yourself
speaking in 140-character
units? First, slap yourself
in the face. Then blame
this guy. The cofounder
and former CEO of Twiter
isn’t content to infuence
how we communicate.
Square—an electronic
payment service he
founded that lets you
accept credit cards
through your smart-
phone—will change how
you spend as well.
KEVIN ROSE
Rose shits out companies
like a stoner shits burritos:
fast and voluminously.
First there was social
news site Digg, then Web
TV network Revision3,
microblogging network
Pownce, and mobile app
incubator Milk. He was
also an early investor in
Twiter, Facebook, and
Foursquare. By the time
you fnish reading this,
he’ll have founded four
new companies.
DUMB-O-METER How stupid is each patient’s situation?
1 Tanning at a salon when there’s a beach nearby stupid 2 Showing off your abs wherever you go stupid
3 Banging a grenade with STDs stupid 4 Headbutting a cement wall stupid
by
ROB CROSSAN
True
medical
dramas
that should
make you
think twice
about
shoving a
vegetable
up your
ass.
THERE IS
NO CURE FO
BUTT SEASON
In Utah in 2011, a hunter’s dog got a little carried away while
exercising his right to bear arms. After the dog’s 46-year-old
owner put his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of his boat, the
pooch apparently got “excited” and stepped on the weapon,
accidentally pulling the trigger and firing 27 pellets into the
owner’s ass. The man avoided serious injury thanks to his
waders, leaving the dog disappointed that he wouldn’t be
able to stuff and mount his owner’s butt.
JAWBREAKER
When Chad Ettmueller, 38, opened wide for
the double-meat, double-cheese sandwich
he bravely ordered from the Which Wich
shop in Atlanta, his jaw locked open and
the sandwich went tragically uneaten. With
his mouth stuck in the “ahhhhrrrrrghggh”
position, he was promptly taken to the ER,
where doctors worked 14 hours to surgically
move it back to its natural position. As for
the sandwich, it’s suing for negligence and
emotional distress.
NAILED IT
Proving that Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” theory doesn’t always stand up to close
examination, an unnamed man in the town of Masterton, New Zealand wanted to find out if
a nail gun could cut through bone, so naturally he put one to his head and pulled the trigger.
“He walked into the hospital and was laughing about it,” said one nurse. Pinning his hat to
his head, the nail lodged in his skull just behind his nose, eventually costing him his vision in
one eye. In a cruel evolutionary twist, the man’s reproductive organs were unharmed.
TURKEY
IN A ROLL
A morbidly obese man went
to the ER with red, irritated
skin on his stomach—and
likely a hankering for hos-
pital pudding. Sharon
Orrange, M.D., first diag-
nosed the rash as a
routine skin infection,
but in the course of
the exam, she lifted up
a fat fold and a turkey
sandwich fell out.
The fatty told her it
was a month old, and
“the smell,” she said,
“confirmed it.” Now
we lost our lunch too.
OR STUPID
REAR-END REVEREND
A vicar in Sheffield, England insisted to the
nurse on duty in the city’s Northern General
Hospital that he’d merely been hanging up
some curtains at home, in the nude, when he
accidentally slipped onto his kitchen table and
ended up with a potato firmly lodged in his
rectum. No wonder the church always insists
on kneeling rather than sitting.
SEWER SPLAT
Doing nothing for the reputation of
the French as lacking in personal
hygiene, an unnamed 40-year-old man
in Montmélian, France spent the night
with his head stuck in a sewer after he reached down to retrieve
his wallet, which had fallen in. He was trapped for the entire
night before being found the next morning and taken to the
hospital suffering from hypothermia (not to mention an acute
case of deep and burning shame).
HAT HEAD
ER doctors see their fair share of blood and guts, but feathers
and glitter were the horror show that fell upon the docs at a
hospital in Bradford, England when a man came in with a
fancy hat stuck to his head. The night before, Sean Murtagh
(pictured above), 25, had superglued the tiny top hat to his
noggin for a costume party. It stayed on so well that it was
still attached when he woke up. The doctors were unable to
soften the glue, so they amputated. The hat, not the head.
6 1 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
On tonight’s
menu: fop sweat!
6 2 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
CAN A MAXIM EDITOR WHO’S NEVER DONE A LICK
OF REAL WORK SURVIVE A DAY COOKING, BARTENDING,
AND WAITING TABLES AT GUY FIERI’S NEW
RESTAURANT IN THE HEART OF TIMES SQUARE?
DON’T BET YOUR DONKEY SAUCE.
by PATRICK CARONE photographs by BEN RITTER
6 4 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
phy on life: LOVE, PEACE & TACO GREASE.
Despite an over-the-top nasty review
in The New York Times that went viral
(Guy told the Today show he thinks the
reviewer was just trying to make a name
for himself ), the place is packed on this
Tuesday afternoon. It’s the seventh res-
taurant owned by the California-bred ce-
lebrity chef and his frst on the East Coast.
Though known mostly for stufng his face
with other people’s grub on his Food Net-
work smash hit Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,
Guy has been cooking since he was a kid
and working in restaurants since he was a
teenager. “If everyone knew what it’s like
to work in a restaurant,” he tells me, “they
wouldn’t be such asses about what goes
on out front.” After two minutes in the
hot-as-the-devil’s-grundle sauté station, I
understand exactly what he means.
GENTLEMEN,
START YOUR OVENS
It’s 10 A.M., and executive chef Ken
Hoerle—a Bruce Willis look-alike, com-
plete with shaved head and no-nonsense
demeanor—is giving me a tour of the two
Guy Fieri screams at me as I attempt to
fatten a wad of meat on a sizzling hot
grill. “Use some of that forearm strength!”
I’m sweating balls in a 100-plus-degree
kitchen during the lunch rush at Guy’s
American Kitchen & Bar. I came to learn
what it takes to work the grill, man the
bar, and wait the tables, and judging by
how things are going so far, it’s probably
for the best that my real job primarily
consists of sitting at a computer staring
at women all day. The spatula I’m using
drops to the foor as I wipe away the
sweat that’s stinging my eyeballs. Today
is not going to be easy.
Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar opened
six months ago in Times Square. Like Guy
Fieri’s outsize, spiky-haired personality,
it’s gigantic. The restaurant measures
16,000 square feet and can accommo-
date 520 patrons at once. Dishes like
Guy-talian Nachos and General Tso’s Pork
Shank are served in rooms decorated
with posters of vintage Chevys, electric
guitars, and other symbols of American
awesomeness. Painted in giant letters
over the check-in area is Guy’s philoso-
kitchens: prep and main. As we walk
around the subterranean prep kitchen,
the “heart of the restaurant,” according
to Ken, a dozen extremely focused men
cut up veggies, boil pork shanks, pound
slabs of beef, and season whole chickens.
As the chef points out the dairy fridge,
the sauce cooler, the dish-washing room,
and the pastry-prep area, I feel like
Danny in The Shining getting a tour of
the Overlook Hotel kitchen. (“How
would you like some ice cream, Doc?”)
Absolutely nothing goes to waste, I’m
told. The scraps from the hanger steak
are used to make the jus for the Big Dip-
per sandwich; the rotisserie chickens get
chopped up for the Chinatown Chicken
Crunch salad. “In any kitchen,” Ken
explains, “you want everything to be
utilized. It’s part of making money.”
If efcient use of ingredients is neces-
sary in a kitchen, efcient use of time
is even more so. Designed to minimize
the passing of foodstufs—thereby cut-
ting down on chatter between staf—the
kitchen’s main thoroughfare consists of
the salad station, the griddle station, the
Golden shower,
Fieri style
6 5 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
PASSING THE BAR
The cocktails at Guy’s American are as
important as the food. Potent, multicol-
ored drinks like the Rockin’ Red Mojito
and the Blackberry Brandy Alexander are
just a couple of the forms of hooch that
aim to make your experience at Guy’s a
memorable—or perhaps forgettable—one.
Lording over the bar, which is promi-
nently placed in the center dining room,
is the restaurant’s beverage director, a
jovial bro named Carey Martin. A clear
fan of all things drinkable, his job is to
ensure the booze fows freely at all times.
But right now his job is to teach someone
who doesn’t know what goes into a gin
and tonic how to pour like a pro.
“You gotta remember, the drinks are
strong at Guy’s,” Carey tells me as he
counts “one one-thousand, two one-
fry station, the ovens around the corner,
and, fnally, the sauté station. “This is
the hottest place in the kitchen,” Ken
says, somewhat unnecessarily. “We put
our more skilled guys in this area.” I’m
quickly ushered away.
Back around the corner—where it’s
only slightly less unbearably hot—Ken
teaches me how to make two items: the
Sashimi Tacos and the Big Bite Burger.
The frst dish requires a delicate touch
as I place raw tuna and mango salsa
into four quick-to-crack shells. (Several
shattered on my watch.) I drizzle two
diferent sauces over the tacos, then top
the whole thing of with sliced scallions.
Ken tells me to take a bite, and they taste
just as good as they look. Score!
Next is the burger, which isn’t quite so
easy. Besides the multitude of ingredients
(raw onions, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes,
melted cheese, toasted bun, onion ring,
and Donkey Sauce), the fact that the dish
actually has to be, you know, cooked
adds a whole new element. I pay close
attention to Ken, take careful notes, and
think I’m ready to give it a shot when—like
a pierced and goateed Tasmanian devil—
Guy bursts into the kitchen. Oh, crap.
“Well, let’s see you make a burger,”
he says, and I instantly forget every step
involved. Not only do I have trouble
pressing on the patty correctly, but I also
totally blank on the specifc way to add
each ingredient. “No, it’s Donkey Sauce
frst, then the pickles!” “That’s way too
many onions!” “That’s not enough let-
tuce!” Now I’m really starting to sweat,
due to my nerves as well as the extreme
heat. Remembering that Ken put a metal
bowl over the burgers and steamed them
for a few seconds (it adds to the juici-
ness), I grab a pan full of water and toss it
at the sizzling burger. “You’re not putting
out a fre, man. Watch out!”
When the steam disappears and the
burger is done, Guy is ready to grade me
on my kitchen performance. “Not great,”
he says. “Your ideas are right, but you’re
slow. If you got another 24 hours under
your belt working the burger station, that
maybe would get you through the fattop.
But then you’d have six other stations
to master. You get a B-minus for the
kitchen.” I look around at the line cooks
who work ungodly hours in this crazy,
hot, intense place day and night and real-
ize I’ll never look at my plate of food at a
restaurant the same way again.
thousand, three one-thousand” while
pouring tequila into a cocktail shaker.
That’s my frst lesson: Each “one thou-
sand” translates to about half an ounce
of booze. This is vital information, since
good cocktails are all about correct pro-
portions. He’s showing me how to make
a Caliente Margarita—a spicy combo
of jalapeño-infused tequila, triple sec,
cilantro, lime juice, jalapeños, and agave
nectar—and I jump right into it. I’m mud-
dling! I’m shaking! I’m moving like Tom
Cruise in Cocktail! Carey looks impressed,
but he’s not convinced until he takes a
sip. “This is the most important thing I
want you to take away: Sample the fn-
ished drink.” He sticks in a straw—cover-
ing the top with his thumb—takes a slurp,
and gives me an approving nod. Unfortu-
nately, Carey isn’t the one grading me.
Brushing up
on his burger-
making skills
Guy demonstrates
proper burger-
eating technique.
Guy’s most famous condiment got its name, he explains, because “you’d have
to be an ass not to like it.” Here’s what you need to make your own batch.
Mix everything together until
smooth, then put it on top
of whatever you want to be
Donkey-fed. (They use it on the
burgers at Guy’s American.)
1
/4 cup minced roasted garlic
1 cup mayonnaise
4 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. hot dog mustard
1
/4 tsp. kosher salt
4 pinches ground black pepper
DONKEY SAUCE
Patrick
atempts to
keep his drool
in check.
Of course, when it comes time to
make a Caliente Margarita for Guy, I fll
the cocktail shaker with mint instead of
cilantro. “When in doubt, smell it out,” he
reprimands. Count on Guy Fieri to have
a catchy rhyme for any given situation.
Without missing a beat, I dump out the
shaker, throw in some more ice, and add
the cilantro. As I pour in the tequila, Guy
tells me to hold it for an extra “me one-
thousand,” because he wants this puppy
to be strong. He quizzes me with each
step. “What’s triple sec?” “What’s agave?”
“What happens if you shake it too long?”
Shocking everyone involved, I answer ev-
erything correctly. (Or close enough.) But
this isn’t that kind of test; Guy needs to
taste what I have made. He takes two big
sips and looks me right in the eye. “Not
bad. Good guest service, nice style, and
good recipe adherence. In your bartend-
ing course, you receive…an A.” Drinking
away half my life has fnally paid of!
LIP SERVICE
If there’s one thing that anyone who has
never waited tables (like me) can’t stand,
it’s listening to people yap about that
one month in college that they worked at
the local diner. Well, this was my chance
to shut them up. I meet Raquel, an aspir-
ing actress and server who is willing to
risk her hard-earned tips by letting me
help out with one of her tables. She gives
me a few pointers right of the bat: “Be
charismatic. Ask them where they’re
from—this is Times Square, so everyone
is a tourist. Only ofer suggestions if they
ask.” I take it all in.
We approach a young couple visiting
from Canada, and I watch Raquel do her
thing. She’s a pro, so I feel comfortable
piping in and suggesting the California
Egg Rolls when they ask what we like.
As we walk away, I ask Raquel if she can
tell what type of tip this couple is going
to leave. “You never know. Sometimes
people you’ve been laughing with the
whole time leave almost nothing. Other
times a super-rude table will leave you
more than you can ever imagine.” Luckily
for Raquel, these friendly Canucks leave
an extra-friendly 25 percent. Oh, Canada,
indeed. On to my fnal test…
Serving Guy Fieri at a restaurant
named Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar is
as intimidating as it sounds. He sits
twiddling his thumbs, annoyed that no
one has greeted him yet. I rush over
and hand him a food and drink menu,
and he immediately starts asking me
about various items. Not surprisingly, he
asks about the restaurant’s most com-
plicated dish: “How is the General Tso’s
Pork Shank made, exactly?” I launch
right into it: “First, we make sure that
the pork is perfectly cooked. It boils in a
stock for a few hours, then we put it in
the oven, deep-fry it, and bathe it in our
General Tso’s glaze. It’s juicy, tangy, and
fall-of-the-bone tender.” It’s a mouthful,
but I think I nail it.
When the food arrives, Guy invites me
to sit and join him. As we scarf down half
the menu (I’m pretty sure our forks touch
in a bowl of fettuccine), he gives me the
rundown: “Your approach to the table
was very nice, and you had great recom-
mendations. But it was your enthusiasm
about the pork shank that sold it. Even if
I were vegetarian, I would have tried it.”
I smile as I stuf a burger into my mouth.
“You get an A in service,” he says.
I fnish the day with two A’s and a
B-minus—higher than a 3.0 GPA, which is
better than I ever got in college. As Guy
and I fnish our meal, I thank him for
giving me the opportunity to work at his
restaurant. “My pleasure,” he says. “By
the way, wanna know how I came up with
the Sashimi Tacos? I was drinking tequila
at 9 A.M. with Sammy Hagar, and…”
Sorry, folks, that’s a whole other story.
DENUDING CHICKEN
The time-consuming
(and kind of gross) job
of removing tendons
from chicken breasts,
necessary for making
Guy’s “Awesome” Pretzel
Chicken Tenders.
COVERS Patrons of the
restaurant. On a busy
day, Guy’s American can
go through as many as
3,000 covers.
BIAS The technique of
cuting vegetables at
an angle. This makes a
thinner cut easier, and
they look beter on the
plate. The scallions that
garnish the Sashimi
Tacos are cut on a bias.
THE PASS The area in
the kitchen where just-
prepared food is placed
by line cooks before it’s
picked up by runners.
ROLL-UP DUTY The
unfun task of shining the
silverware and rolling it
up in napkins. Each server
at Guy’s American is
required to do 150 roll-
ups per shif.
WINGETTES AND
DRUMETTES The two
parts of a chicken wing.
You get half of each type
in Guy’s Ain’t No Thing
Buta Chicken Wings.
GUY GLOSSARY
A sampling of the restaurant lingo we picked up at work.
Hot porkin’
action
“No, sir, I will
not put your tip
in your G-string.”
6 6 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
It’s liquid
lunch o’clock
somewhere!
M
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C
.
before after*
R
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M
.
before after*
L
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B
.
before after*
G
U
A
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E
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INSANITY Trainer
G
e
t
5

F
R
E
E
G
i
f
t
s
.
I’ve never heard
Jay Leno say
anything clever.
6 9 m a r C h 2 0 1 3

m a x I m
Dwyane Wade
The miami heat star talks titles, shooting hoops with
’bama, and those silly glasses. by David swanson
You are the frst
woman to be Maxim’s
Icon. What do you
think about that?
I think that straight guys have lowered
their standards. That’s what I think.

Have you ever had a bad run-in
with a celebrity you trashed
on Fashion Police?
Christina Aguilera! Because I called her
fat on the show. I saw her in a restaurant.
She walked across the restaurant, and
I thought she was really going to give it
to me. She looked down at my plate and
said, “Are you gonna fnish that?”

Has anyone ever thanked you
for seting them straight afer a
good trashing?
Yes! Ke$ha! She said to me, “I don’t
care what you say about me. I love
hearing you talk about me.” Julia Roberts
said to me, “Say it to my face.” Those
are the ones that you love. The smart
ones get that it’s all just funny and silly,
so calm down.
How do you prepare for red-
carpet season? Do you have a
training regimen?
I just collect hundreds of pictures of
Helena Bonham Carter and then don’t
wear anything she’s got on.
Give us a litle style advice.
What article of clothing should
every man throw out?
Anything with skid marks—that’s really
disgusting.
Was there any moment on your
reality show, Joan & Melissa, that
made you cringe when you saw it?
Season 2, when my ass hit the bottom of
the hot tub before my feet. I still cringe!
Do you expect to see Johnny
Carson in the aferlife? What will
you say to him?
Actually, no, because I will be in heaven.

Which late-night hosts do you like
and not like so much?
I like the ones that put me on. I could say
I don’t like Leno, but I never watch him.
I’ve never heard him say anything clever.
It’s true! “Oh! Did you hear what Leno
said last night?!” You never hear people
say that! Also, Leno has never put me on.
He’s never invited me on in 21 years.

What do you require in your
dressing room at gigs?
An undertaker, an embalmer, and a
plastic surgeon. All on call.
Are the Academy Awards as long and
boring in person as they are on TV?
[Snores] What did you say?! It’s longer
than Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet.
You won Season 2 of Celebrity
Apprentice.
I did!
Some people think Donald Trump is
a complete ass. Are you a fan of his?
Huge! Don’t ever underestimate him. I
can’t even do a joke about him. So smart,
so smart, so smart. He sold me the
Brooklyn Bridge, and I’m still happy
about it. He’s a genius showman. He’s in
the category of P. T. Barnum.
When is too young for plastic
surgery?
No such thing. Which would you rather
pick up: a pretty baby or an ugly baby?
Nobody likes baby fat!
Do you have a signature move in
the bedroom?
Yes, yes. I always hold the gun to the
guy’s right temple. I’m known for that.
What is a mistake most guys make
when it comes to sex?
Being unable to tell a real woman from a
pre-op tranny. That hurts.
Do you have a favorite word?
Fuck. It’s such a great word because it’s
an adjective, a verb, and a noun, and it’s
easy to spell. It’s not like pneumonia,
where you have to fgure it out.
Any advice for young comics?
My advice to really good comics is this:
“Get the fuck out of the business till
I’m dead, because you’re taking bread
out of my mouth.”
What is the oddest gif you’ve ever
received from one of your fans, the
Joan Rangers?
A cold sore.

Do you have groupies trying to
get backstage at your shows?
Only if I pay them.
Joan Rivers
a polite chat with the queen of nice about fat celebs,
skid marks, and sex with pre-op trannies. by Dan bova
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M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3 7 0
FOR THE THI RD YEAR RUNNI NG, MAXI M
GATHERED AMERI CA’ S MOS T ELI TE MI LI TARY OPERATORS —
ARMY S PECI AL FORCE S , NAVY S EAL S , AI R FORCE
COMBAT CONTROLLERS , MARI NE RECON—FOR A WEEKL ONG
CONTE S T OF COMBAT S KI LL S , PHYS I CAL ENDURANCE,
AND MENTAL TOUGHNE S S . WHEN THE S MOKE CLEARED,
ONLY ONE MAXI MUM WARRI OR WAS LEF T S TANDI NG.
PHOTOGRAPHS BY BRANDON DI LL
From lef: Russ, USAF Combat
Control; Pete, Army Special
Forces; Chris, USMC Force
Recon; Phil, Army Special Forces;
Tony, Army Special Forces; Fish,
Navy SEALs; Gant, Navy SEALs;
Biggs, Navy SEALs; Josh, Army
Special Forces; Joe, USMC.
7 2 m a x i m

m a r c h 2 0 1 3
1/tony (army) takes on the Swim & Shoot. 2/Pete (army) scrambles up the Fire & maneuver tower.
3/Phil (army) hauls ass on the obstacle course. 4/Biggs (navy) carries a “wounded soldier” to
safety on the Beast of the Earth course. 5/rescuing a “fallen pilot” amid the wreckage of the Wadi
Patrol. 6/tearing ass on rally track. 7/taking out high-value targets in the night Sniper challenge.
You don’t know when that 30 seconds
is going to come, so that’s how we built
Maximum Warrior.”
So explains Ret. Special Forces Sgt.
Maj. Karl Erickson as he walks the
grounds of T1G, an elite military training
facility tucked away in Crawfordsville,
Arkansas. T1G is the playing feld for
Maximum Warrior, Maxim’s annual com­
petition between members of America’s
highest echelon of military operators.
Sgt. Maj. Erickson was the inaugural
winner, and for the past two years he has
designed the challenges that subsequent
competitors have faced. This year he’s
built his most sadistic course yet.
The warriors will face IED explosions,
fash bangs, and live fre. They will be re­
quired to rappel down buildings, execute
sniper missions in the dark, drive escape
vehicles at breakneck speed, and carry
180­pound dummies over distances and
obstacles the human body was not meant
to cross. And just to keep things interest­
ing, they’ll be fed bad intel, have their
missions changed midcourse, and be
given weapon systems that jam on
purpose. They’ll be blindfolded, dunked
in frigid, muddy water—in short, their
lives will be made to suck over the next
three days. But that’s something these
guys are more than used to.
This year’s contestants include Navy
SEALs, Army Special Forces and scout
snipers, Air Force combat controllers,
and Marine machine gunners and Force
Recon. All these men have served multiple
tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, earning
honors including Medals of Valor and
Purple Hearts. They have gone through
training programs so brutal that a class of
100 can yield just three or four graduates.
These are some tough motherfuckers.
Joe of the USMC (for security reasons,
Warriors will be referred to by their frst
names only) is not daunted by the gruel­
ing challenges that await him. “Marines
are trained to push ourselves as hard as
possible regardless of how bad it hurts.”
And Joe knows sufering. Real sufering.
“When I was in Iraq for the frst time, I
didn’t shower for 47 days. The only rea­
son I got to shower on the 48th day was
because I got blown up.” Driving down a
road in Fallujah, he was hit by an IED and
had a brain injury that continues to cause
balance and memory issues. “But I’m
like a pit bull; I never give up. When I’m
down…even if my legs are broken, I’m
crawling. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
All the men here have been through
hell to get to this stage in their careers,
and they have tremendous respect for
one another. There is no trash talk as
they suit up and make adjustments to
their Blackhawk! gear. For 10 intense
competitors about to battle it out, the
chatter is downright friendly. Says Chris
(Marine Force Recon), “I’ve served with
Navy, Air Force, and Army guys in joint
commands. We have our own niches,
but at the end of the day we’re all war­
riors, and that’s what matters.”
On top of the physical challenges they
will face, mental challenges will crash
down just as hard. Cars will stall, instruc­
tions won’t make sense, smoke will blind
them at the most inopportune moments.
Chaos is a reality of combat and this
contest, and that is perhaps where com­
bat controller Russ (USAF) might have an
advantage. “Combat controllers attach
to other SOF teams to control airpower
from the ground,” he explains. “I’ll be
conducting the same mission with them,
but at the same time talking to helicop­
ters and controlling drones overhead. I
might have 10 aircraft in one ear and

1
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7 3 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
the rest of the team screaming in the
other. I’ve got to control the chaos and
prioritize the problems.”
When asked about their proudest
moments in combat, the Warriors invari-
ably cite missions from which all their
men came back safely. And a few, like
Pete (Army Special Forces), ofer up mo-
ments when their grand eforts to spread
freedom were met with small gestures.
“I’ve had people in all countries come up
to me to shake my hand. It wasn’t always
for something I personally did, but they
were thanking previous generations of
soldiers. To me that’s the most satisfying
thing. I’m doing other human beings a
service to make their lives better.”
As night descends on T1G, the cama-
raderie between the Warriors grows.
But tomorrow, when the frst mission
begins, those smiles will disappear
and be replaced with faces no enemy
would ever want to see in a frefght.
Go to maximumwarrior.com and Max -
im’s Xbox 360 app to see all the action
and fnd out who won the batle.
GEAR OF WAR
Some of the tools the Warriors went to work with.
BLACKHAWK! WARRIOR WEAR JACKET SYSTEM
Three jackets (Training, Ops, and Shell) that can be
worn separately or layered together for customized
needs. blackhawk.com, $100, $230, $300
POLARIS DEFENSE’S MRZR 2
Ultralightweight vehicle featuring blackout drive op-
tion, collapsing roll cage, liter mounts, and all-wheel
drive for fast, agile mobility. polaris.com, prices vary
BLACKHAWK! TALL TANTO BOOTS
Ideal boots for maneuvers in urban or dusty terrain,
with shock-absorbing rubber outsoles and washable,
antimicrobial footbeds. blackhawk.com, $150
PETZL STRIX TACTICAL LIGHTS
Water- and impact-resistant head-worn lights
for use during night maneuvers. petzl.com, dealer
prices vary
6
5
7 4
3 2
2013 Hometown Hotties finalist
JUSTINE DAVIS is now taking your questions.
The Helpful Hottie
How can I tell my
girlfriend she’s
gained weight?
—Jake Hedley
Oh, boy, there’s no nice
way to point that out. Try
to be as gentle as you can
and suggest working out
or trying a nutritional
program together.
What should I leave out of
my online dating profile?
—Enrique Valade
Your address and phone
number! There are plenty
of female creepers out
there—and they may try
to find you.
Do gift cards ever work as
birthday presents?
—Jeff Ullman
Definitely, especially
because it’s so hard to
shop for girls. For me a
gift card for Victoria’s
Secret is way better
than some crappy gift
I’m going to have to go
exchange anyway.
Is there any cheese that
doesn’t work for a grilled
cheese sandwich?
—Austin Schlatter
I hate bleu cheese and
think it would make a
gross sandwich. It must
be like eating melted
mold, and that does not
sound good.
Is it weird for guys to get
manicures?
—Stu Beekman
I think it’s cute, because
I like a guy who takes care
of himself! As long as
you don’t apply any nail
polish, it’s all good.
How is gum made?
—Seth Clayson
I have no idea, but look it
up and bring homemade
gum to your next potluck.
7 4 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
7 5 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M 7 5 M A R C H 2 0 1 3

M A X I M
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GO TO
MAXIM.COM
FOR MORE
IMAGES &
VIDEO
7 6 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
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7 6
Hot Sauce
Ofce Assistant
Cleaning Lady
If there’s ever been a reason to clean
up our act, it’s our gorgeous new maid!
name
Liz
birthday
March 12
hometown
Weybridge, England
secret talent
“I’m a PADI-certifed
dive master—I’ve gone
swimming with sharks!”
go-to drink
“I love a mean Painkiller,
but a rum and Coke is
also great.”
RÉSUMÉ
So how gross
was the ofce
when you came
in this morning?
Honestly, I was mortifed
by how dirty it was. I spent
the whole day dusting,
scrubbing, and watering
dying plants.
Did anything here make
you gag?
There was this nasty
Circus Balls cereal that
someone had spilled all
over their desk. Who eats
that, anyway?
We’re gross. We know.
Yeah, but for a bunch of
slobs, all the Maxim guys
look prety well put to-
gether. Look, I wouldn’t
kick you out of the bed
for eating crackers.
Did you snoop around
in anybody’s trash?
No way! The staf asked
me to reprimand interns
if I saw them geting out
of line, so it would have
been embarrassing if
I were caught acting
unprofessionally. I know
the rules. This wasn’t
my frst cleanup job.
Really? You don’t look like
a typical cleaning lady.
Well, I used to work on
a dive boat, and some-
times I would have to
clean up passengers’
puke. But I also got to
spend the day in a bikini
and go scuba diving,
which made up for it.
You ought to open up
your own scantily clad
cleaning service.
You know, I have a
business degree, so I
could probably make
that happen.
G O T O M A X I M. C O M F O R M O R E
12 p.m. No amount of soap
can wash away the horrors.
1:30 p.m. Definition of a
“hot mess.”
5 p.m. Watering his plant,
stealing his Facebook
password.
PROMOTI ON
Get in on these
Maxim-approved events
and promotions!
INSIDER
THANK YOU TO OUR
GIFT BAG CONTRIBUTORS
CHECK OUT YANDY.COM
FOR THE SEXIEST LINGERIE
AT GREAT PRICES!
Pick up something the both of you will love
from one of the largest and most trusted
online lingerie retailers, Yandy.com.
Shop now and get 10% off with
promo code MAXIM. Make any night
memorable with lingerie from Yandy.com.
www.yandy.com
DO IT when she
leasT expecTs IT
While you might think bed-
ding a woman for the first
time requires a pictur-
esque setup in the boudoir,
ladies actually prefer an
impulsive romp—and why
restrict it to the bedroom?
“Couch, floor, and bath-
room sex are my favor-
ites,” says Mia,* 28. Least
favorites (presumably):
the Dumpster, the walk-in
freezer, and that creepy
nook under the stairs.
Make her waIT
Bringing a gal to the brink
before the action even be-
gins can score you major
points. Jess, 23, loves
it when a guy slowly
undresses her. “Some-
times it’s even better than
them going down on you,”
she says. Morse adds that
engaging in a long presex
make-out session can also
raise your profile. “Kissing
reassures a woman that
you’re not in it only for
the sex and gives you the
golden opportunity to
demonstrate how much
you’re willing to invest in
her pleasure.” It’s like a
401(k) for your boner!
GODOwnTOwn
“A guy doesn’t need to
pull out any tricks the first
night—I don’t need games
or toys,” says Carrie, 30.
“He just needs to be sexu-
ally open.” Sandy, 26,
Getting busy with
someone new
is always excit-
ing. Yes, awkwardness
pretty much comes with
the territory, but don’t
simply resign yourself to
a clumsy first round. Sex
and relationship expert
Emily Morse, coauthor of
Hot Sex: Over 200 Things
You Can Try Tonight, says
that when it comes to get-
ting first-time booty, “The
most important thing to
do is relax and have fun
with your new partner.” So
why not kick it up a notch?
Instead of playing it safe
and boring, unleash your
wild side and make your
inaugural roll in the hay
one she’ll remember.
adds, “The first time I was
with my boyfriend, he
kept begging me to let him
go down on me, again
and again. The fact that
he was so eager to please
me, and really seemed
to enjoy it, made our first
time so memorable.”
GO beyOnD MIssIOnary
Being bold with your posi-
tion choice can make that
first time more signifi-
cant…and more fun. “Any-
thing that’s not so vanilla
is better, but stick with it
for a while,” says Amelia,
29. “Don’t change posi-
tions every two minutes.”
Still, avoiding the bland-
ness of missionary doesn’t
mean you need to bust
out the pile driver, which
may scare her off. Instead,
have your girl get on top,
which can make orgasms
more likely for her and
keeps your repertoire a lit-
tle more interesting, too.
Talk…buT nOT TOO Much
“Try to strike a balance
between checking in and
passionately going for it,”
says Mia. In other words,
don’t ask for permission
every time you inch your
hands a smidge farther
south, and pay attention
to her reactions. Is she
moaning? Is she arching
her back? Are her cheeks
flushed? Then you’re
either on the right track…
or you’re in the middle of
a yoga studio. In which
case, stop immediately.
DOn’T Try TOO harD
Don’t put too much pres-
sure on yourself. “Be able
to laugh,” says Lexie, 27.
“Sex has funny noises
and funny moments. The
best way to make sure
you’re both enjoying your-
selves is to acknowledge
them and move on.” It’s
the only way that farting in
bed will lead to a second
round (of sex, not farting).
hot sauce
sex
G O T O M a x I M. c O M F O R m O R e
p
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B
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N

C
H
A
N
G
E
D
.
The best part of
never getting laid
is never being a
disappointment.
keep ’em begging for More
Want to have sex with the same person more than
once? Then do it right the first time! by naTasha burTOn
7 8 m a x i m

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p.10: hometown
hotie, Zoe
Mc Connell;
Vickers, Justin
Macala; yoga girl, georgi
anchev/gety images; kiten,
istockphoto; wet t-shirt
woman, istockphoto p.14:
FiFa World Cup, Clive Mason/
gety images p.15: hot tug
hot tub Boat (2), courtesy of
hot tug p.16: Die Hard II, 20th
Century Fox/the Kobal
Collection; Live Free or Die
Hard, Frank Masi/20th
Century Fox/the Kobal
Collection p.17: elin norde-
gren, splashnews p.20: hand,
istockphoto; jelly, istock-
photo; ted, universal
pictures/everet Collection;
nBa leprechaun, Jef
haynes/reuters p.21: Mug
shot, rich legg/gety
images; panda, andy
Buchanan/aFp/getyimages;
baby in raf, tony arruza/
Corbis; Brothers, lionsgate/
everet Collection; lepre-
chaun, istockphoto p.22:
Dominic with beetle, Mike
reid/Cream productions inc;
Dominic with snake, Brian
Bowen smith. Banana,
maggot larvae, army ant,
and chimpanzee, istockphoto
(4) p.24: Motola, Jemal
Countess/gety images;
lopez, Vince Bucci/aFp/
gety images; springsteen,
Brooks Kraf/Corbis; Carey,
Mitchell gerber/Corbis
p.28: liam Mcintyre, Frazer
harrison/gety images p.29:
hoosiers fans, Joe robbins/
gety images; Ben hofman,
courtesy of Comedy Central;
novak, Douglas Jones/us
presswire stuf p.31: Big
Buck Hunter, Danny ghitis/
The New York Times/redux;
sasha grey, Barry Bre-
cheisen/Wireimage; urinals,
istockphoto; vibrator, John
henderson/alamy; electric
fence and drums, istockphoto
(2) pp.54–59: tyson, neilson
Barnard/gety images;
Ferdowsi, gabriel olsen/
FilmMagic; McKay, Columbia
pictures/everet Collection;
Martin, edward le poulin/
Corbis; Cashmore, evan
agostini/ap photo; anderson,
Bryan Bedder/gety images;
Maron, paul Fraughton/ap
photo; louis CK, nancy
Kaszerman/Zumapress.com;
Kimmel, Frederick M. Brown/
gety images; silver, David e.
Klutho/sports illustrated/
gety images; Karp, Don
emmert/aFp/gety images;
pincus, Jef Chiu/ap photo;
ek, Charles eshelman/gety
images; rose, David paul
Morris/gety images; Dorsey,
David Brabyn/Corbis; Kim
Dotcom, Michael Bradley/
aFp/gety images; McKellar,
axelle Woussen/Bauer-
grifn.com pp.60–61: Dog
with gun, Justin paget/
Corbis; ambulance, istock-
photo; man with crutches,
shuterstock; sandwich,
rusty hill/gety images;
X-ray, potato, and shirtless
man, istockphoto (2); hand
with money, phil ashley/
gety images p.68: rivers,
Charles Bush
MAXIM (ISSN 1092-9789) Volume 17, Number 2 is published 10 times annually by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc., 415 Madison Avenue, 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10017, Tel.
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m a x i m

m a r c h 2 0 1 3 8 0
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Quality Tools at Ridiculously Low Prices
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12" RATCHET
BAR CLAMP/SPREADER

$
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68975/69221/
69222
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69227
Item
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HEAVY DUTY STEEL
FLOOR JACK
WEIGHS
74 LBS.
NO GAS
REQUIRED!
REG. PRICE $149.99

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LOT NO.
68887
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8 2 m a x i m

m a r c h 2 0 1 3
Years
of
MaXIM
Maxim Classics
october 2002
Mila Kunis
Before becoming the big screen’s hottest leading lady—with roles super hilarious (Ted),
super sexy (Friends With Benefits), and super weird (Black Swan)—Mila was cute little
Jackie on That ’70s Show. That’s when the gorgeous Ukrainian first turned us into blub-
bering idiots. (That is, even more blubbering and idiotic than usual.) This month she plays
an enchantress in Oz: The Great and Powerful. Mila, we’ll be at the premiere clicking our
heels and yelling, “There’s no place like Kunis!” (Likely from the back of a police car.)
G o t o M a X I M. C o M F O r m O r e
TONY
PARKER
SLAYS
ON AND
OFF THE
COURT
59
WAYS TO
LOOK
GREAT
INSTANTLY
FORGET
THE GYM—
JUST BUY
SOME
CLOTHES!
Spr i ng 201 3
All-Star
Style
Special
Not everyone in
San Antonio wears
cowboy boots.
2 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
Fashionable Frenchman and
three-time NBA champ Tony Parker
rocks this season’s freshest looks.
by
STEPHANIE
RADVAN

photographs by
TOM
CORBETT
styli ng by
STAN
WILLIAMS
Plectrum by
Ben Sherman
Long-sleeve
T-shirt, $90
bensherman.com
Express
Photographer
pants, $70
express.com
Lacoste
Imatra shoes, $76
shoes.com
Tissot
Luxury Powermatic 80
chronometer, $1,150
tissotshop.com
Boss
Marino-T coton-linen
blazer, $645;
Andino shirt, $255;
and silk tie, $95
hugoboss.com
Boss Orange
Pintoo cardigan, $85
hugoboss.com
Tissot
Tradition Gent
watch, $300
tissotshop.com
4 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
Now more than ever it
seems like basketball
players are the most
fashionable guys around.
What’s up with that?
That’s true, but I think it
started in 2005 when David
Stern changed the dress
code. When I joined the NBA
in 2001, everyone was into
the hip-hop style. The players
were wearing throwback
jerseys, and everything was
size XXXL. As soon as the
new rule came into place,
everybody had to become
more fashion-conscious.
You think any guys failed
in their atempts?
For sure. Tim Duncan is still
a bad dresser! He is totally
laid-back, and that’s how he
likes to dress…But you know,
he is the franchise, so I can’t
really say anything.
Do you think anyone
takes it too far?
Guys like Russell Westbrook
and Dwyane Wade defnitely
take it to another level with
the glasses and crazy colors
and prints. I don’t dress as
fashy as that, but I think it’s
great. They’re having fun,
and it lightens up the NBA.
You’ve been playing in
Texas for a long time.
By law shouldn’t you
be walking around with
a 10-gallon hat?
I know I’ve been here for
more than a decade, but I
have to admit I don’t own
any cowboy hats or boots.
I’m not really into that
cowboy stuf. I would say
my style is casual chic,
super comfortable but
fashionable at the same time.
I like to wear a nice pair
of jeans with Alexander
McQueen T-shirts, leather
jackets, or sport coats.
Last season a lot of
players tried out beards,
with varying degrees
of success. How are you
with facial hair?
Well, when we go on the
road, our whole team keeps a
beard for the entire trip, but
as soon as I get home I shave
it of! That’s really the extent
of it. James Harden has a
great beard, but I can’t do it.
Who are your favorite
teams in the NBA to
face of against?
I love competing, so I enjoy
the big challenges. Playing
the Lakers is always great
since we have a huge rivalry,
and facing of against the
Maver icks and Rockets is
fun because it’s like a Texas
showdown.
Your father was a
basketball player, and
your mother was a
model. Did you ever feel
the urge to go into the
fashion industry instead
of playing ball?
I think there’s some footage
online of me as a four- or
fve-year-old walking the
runway with my mom! That
was really it. But now that
I’ve been collaborating with
Tissot on several watch
designs, I think she’s happy
that I’m doing a little bit of
work in her feld.
How do you think
those watches would
pair with a fourth
championship ring?
That’s a tough question! I’m
defnitely going to try to
get a fourth ring this year,
but I couldn’t wear both
at the same time. That’s a
little too fashy.
Afer 12 years in
Texas, San Antonio
Spurs superstar
point guard Tony
Parker has three
championship rings
and zero pairs of
cowboy boots. Find
out what else the
NBA’s classiest
dresser has in his
closet and how to
pull of the season’s
coolest looks.
It’s our spring
fashion preview!
Luigi Bianchi Mantova
Blazer, $1,000
badowers.com
Stone Island Shadow
Sweater, $360
stoneisland.com
Scot James
Coton shirt, $115
scotjamesonline.com
Boss
Stanino3-W linen
trousers, $225
hugoboss.com
Boss Green
Tiemo-N
leather belt, $135
hugoboss.com
Tissot
PRC 200
chronograph, $550
tissotshop.com
G
R
O
O
M
I
N
G
,

E
R
I
C

J
A
C
K
S
O
N
;

S
T
Y
L
I
N
G

A
S
S
I
S
T
A
N
T
,

J
O
A
N
N
A

G
A
R
C
I
A
Canali
Blazer, $950
bloomingdales.com
Van Heusen
Dress shirt, $45
macys.com
Tommy Hilfger
Silk tie, $60
macys.com
Tissot
Visodate Heritage
watch, $695
tissotshop.com
Calvin Klein Collection
Coton suit, $1,950
Calvin Klein Collection
store N.Y.C.
Joseph Abboud
Wool sweater, $225
josephabboud.com
Express
Fited shirt, $70
express.com
Sarar
Silk tie, $72
sarar.com
Johnston & Murphy
Ellington saddle
shoes, $135
johnstonmurphy.com
Tissot
PRC 200
Gent watch, $425
tissotshop.com
cover
1
2
3
4
5
Marching
Orders
Conquer spring style with
military-inspired camo.
1. American
Eagle Outfitters
Shirt, $50
ae.com
2. Dockers
Alpha khakis, $64
nordstrom.com
3. Tommy Hilfiger
Silk-spun tie with
camo tail, $60
macys.com
4. Gant by
Michael Bastian
Polo shirt, $150
gant.com
5. True Religion
Platoon shorts, $198
truereligionbrandjeans.com
6. DC Shoes
NVRBRKN
Tailblock cap, $35
dcshoes.com
7. Diesel
K-Canopo henley
sweater, $168
diesel.com
8. Ambig
Bi-fold “Stash”
wallet, $36
ambig.com
9. Sanuk
Shipwrecked
shoes, $65
sanuk.com
10. Tumi
Everett Essential
tote, $295
tumi.com
11. Massif Collection
Asset blazer, $395
massif.com/collection
6 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
photographs by JEFFREY WESTBROOK
Light Brights
Grab a pair of ultralight
shoes and blow by the
competition.
1. Adidas
Energy Boost,
9.8 oz., $150
adidas.com
For multi-marathoners in
need of ultra-durability.
2. Reebok
RealFlex Strength TR,
9.7 oz., $100
reebok.com
For mega-milers looking
for a natural foot flex.
3. Puma
BioWeb Elite,
10.6 oz., $100
puma.com
For pavement pounders
who like a cushiony kick.
4. Vans
LXVI Graph, 7.6 oz., $70
lxvi.vans.com
For folks looking to trim
foot fat while walking.
5. New Balance
Minimus Hi-Rez,
3.9 oz., $120
newbalance.com
For the extreme ounce-
conscious barefooter.
6. Asics
Gel-Lyte33 2,
8.5 oz., $90
asics.com
For strong-kneed guys
seeking a responsive run.
7. Skechers
GOrun 2, 6.6 oz., $80
skechers.com
For guys who like
having removable
insoles to fix the fit.
8 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
9 M O N T H 2 0 1 2

M A X I M
Rev It Up
This season’s leather
motorcycle jackets
will get you in gear for
instant street cred.
1. French
Connection
Jacket, $598
frenchconnection.com
2. Marc Moto
Vintage-style
jacket, $650
andrewmarc.com/
marcmoto
3. Ralph Lauren
Black Label
Jacket, $3,495
ralphlauren.com
1
2
3
Arm Candy
Keep time with one
of these eye-catching,
conversation-
starting tickers.
1. Armitron
Dual-time digital watch
with alarm, $35
amazon.com
2. Emporio Armani
Acqua Sport stainless-
steel watch, $295
emporioarmani.com
3. Movado
Series 800
chronograph, $950
866-680-3150
4. Nixon
The Newton Digital
watch with poly-
carbonate and mineral-
crystal case, $125
nixon.com
5. Victorinox
Swiss Army
Dive Master
500 mechanical
watch, $1,250
victorinox.com
6. Pulsar
Stainless-steel
chronograph on
rubber strap, $185
kohls.com
7. Modify Watches
Mix-and-match time-
piece, $30 for dial,
$20 for strap
modifywatches.com
8. Lacoste
Seattle stainless-
steel watch on
silicone strap, $195
macys.com
9. Tissot
T-Race black quartz
chronograph, $650
us.tissotshop.com
1 0 M A X I M

M A R C H 2 0 1 3
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
12
11
Body Work
These grooming tools
will help you manage
your mug—and smell
a whole lot better.
1. Speed Stick
Power Invigorate
antiperspirant/
deodorant, $3
walgreens.com
2. Dove Men+Care
Shave Gel for
sensitive skin, $4.50
amazon.com
3. Gillette
Fusion ProGlide low-
resistance razor, $11
gillette.com
4. Robert Graham
Floyd shave kit, $98
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MARKET
NEW Cigar
Selection!
America’s Oldest Mail
Order Cigar Company,
Est 1915
P.O. Box 31274
Tampa, FL 33631-3274
Fax: 813-882-4605
Get your Ultimate
20 Combo now!
20 top-notch handmade
cigars, cedar-lined
humidor and windproof
lighter for ONLY $29.95
+$4.95 shipping (#926968).
(All shipments to AK, HI, Guam,
Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico must
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tax + appropriate county tax). Remit-
tance of any taxes on orders shipped
to a location outside of Florida is the
responsibility of
the purchaser.
In the event we are out of a Premium
brand, Thompson reserves the right to
substitute another premium brand
cigar or size, of equal or greater value.
Lighter style may vary due
to availability. All written orders MUST
include your signature and date of
birth. Limit one per customer.
©
2
0
1
3

T
h
o
m
p
s
o
n

C
i
g
a
r

C
o
.
It's the complete package for the smoker: twenty Thompson
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company. Since 1915 our customers have enjoyed
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Cigar sizes may vary.
H
olds up to 20 cigars
Dominican
Handmades
Humidor and
Torch Lighter
$
29
95
$
99
Combined
Retail Value
20
BONUS
Save
70
%
OFFER GOOD FOR 30 DAYS NOT AVAILABLE TO MINORS AND GOOD ONLY IN THE USA
Promo code:
T9770
1-800-369-8373
www. thompsonspeci al s. com

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