Mental Health

Mental Health
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter/Topic
Page Number
____________________________________________________________________
1.

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2.

Faulty Thinking Patterns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

3.

Core Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

4.

Part 1: The Need for Dealing with the Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Part 2: Dealing with the Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

5.

Dealing with Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

6.

Forgiveness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

7.

Self-Concepts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8.

The Laws of the Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Mental Health
APPENDICES
Appendix/Title
Page Number
____________________________________________________________________
1.

Appendix A: The Power of Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A1

2.

Appendix B: The Most Effective Medicine. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A3

3.

Appendix C: Overcoming Anxiety . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A6

4.

Appendix D: Diet for a Downcast Soul. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A12

5.

Appendix E: Buried Alive. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A15

6.

Appendix F: Promises to Break. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A19

7.

Appendix G: Dysfunctional Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A22

8.

Appendix H: The Healing Role of Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A33

9.

Appendix I: Power of the Will. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A38

10. Appendix J: Being a Friend for Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A43
11. Appendix K: Staying Connected. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A45
12. Appendix L: Codependent Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A50
13. Appendix M: Counsels from the Carpenter of Nazareth. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A55
14. Appendix N: Encouraging Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A59

Chapter 1: Introduction
Importance of Mental Health
1. He who seeks to transform humanity must himself understand humanity. (Ed. 78)
2. Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the physical, mental, and
spiritual dimensions of a person. (Ed. 13)
3. The mind and the body are intimately related and affect each other.
4. Because 9 out of 10 diseases originate in the “mind,” a medical missionary must understand
the mind in order to help prevent or treat disease.
5. We became intimately bound to God when He created us and when Christ took on human
nature and died for our sins. Scripture tells us that in all our afflictions, He is afflicted. He feels
every pain we feel. By learning and internalizing principles of good mental health, we reduce our
own mental and physical suffering and thus help to alleviate some of Christ’s suffering.
Mental Health Topics
Person’s ability to think, choose, and act (Ed. 17)
1. How behavior influences the mind
2. Thoughts – healthy versus unhealthy
3. Core beliefs or motivations and dealing with the past
4. The will/power of choice
5. Relationship issues (anger, forgiveness, conflict resolution, boundaries)
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__
The Mind-Body Connection
Our doing comes from our being
·
We act upon our thoughts, perceptions, and words
·
Our behavior influences the mind
Caffeine and the brain
·
Long-term use of caffeine reduces the production of certain brain chemicals
1. Serotonin – brain chemical that contributes to a positive outlook
2. Norepinephrine – natural antidepressant in the brain
·
Interferes with the metabolism of GABA – GABA helps maintain calmness and focus under
stress – caffeine lowers the threshold for irritability, anger, and discontent
Physical exercise and the mind
·
Improves self-esteem
·
Slows cognitive decline
·
Increases serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine
·
Reduces trait and state anxiety
·
Example: In a study of 6728 individuals, those with the greatest cardiovascular fitness had
less depression and greater emotional well-being. The dose-relationship peaked between 11-19
miles/week. (Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2006 Jan;38(1):173-8)
Effect of Actions
The words we speak reflect upon our character
·
“Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh”
·
Words are more than an indication of our character; they have power to reflect upon our
character
Reciprocal blessing or curses

·
What we reflect to others is often reflected back to us. It is the little attentions, the numerous
small incidents and simple courtesies of life, that make up the sum of life's happiness; and it is the
neglect of kindly, encouraging, affectionate words, and the little courtesies of life which helps
compose the sum of life's wretchedness. It will be found at last that the denial of self for the good
and happiness of those around us constitutes a large share of the life record in heaven. And the
fact will also be revealed that the care of self, irrespective of the good and happiness of others, is
not beneath the notice of our heavenly Father. (2T 133)
Thoughts, attitudes, and feelings
·
Prov. 23:7 – “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he”
·
Isa. 1:18 – “Come and let us reason together,” says the Lord
·
5T 310 – “If the thoughts are wrong, the feelings will be wrong, and thoughts and feelings
combined make up the moral character”
What we feel and think is important. God through His prophet explains: “Even your thoughts must
be brought into subjection to the will of God and your feelings under the control of reason and
religion.” Ibid.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Types of Thinking
1. Reactive thinking
·
Responds to circumstances in a passive way
·
Emotional, rather than logical thinking
·
De-emphasizes the will (“They won’t listen,” “He makes me mad,” “There’s nothing I can do
about it”)
·
Does not make choices based upon previous determined values
2. Proactive thinking
·
Text Box: Application: Consider Saul, David, Jonah, Peter, or Judas and note how Ellen White
describes the extent to which their thought processes determined their failures or
successes.Responds to circumstances in an active manner
·
Values the will
·
Seek actively for options or alternative ways
·
Makes decisions based upon previously chosen values
·
Accepts responsibility
3. Faith-active thinking
·
Proactive combined with a godly faith that is active in struggling with issues in a godly manner
·
Values are based upon the Word of God
·
Options are within God’s principles
·
Looks for ways in which temptation can be opportunities with the perspective that God can
turn the curse into a blessing
Motives (Core Beliefs)
·
“They should closely investigate their lives, analyze their thoughts and motives, and see if they
have been circumspect in deportment.” (2T 46) Motives can be conscious or unconscious.
Purposes are conscious goals.
·
“Our thoughts and purposes are the secret spring of action and hence determine our
character.” (ST 3-09-82, “The Light of the World,” see 4T 84-85)
Text Box: Note: In dealing with our own and others’ problems, we should prayerfully consider
behavior, thoughts, and motives. (Ps. 139:24,23; Ps. 26:1-3, 5T 310 adds feelings)
Checkpoint
1.

How often do I compare my thoughts to God’s revealed thoughts in His Word?

2. According to 5T 310, what is the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and character? The
next section addresses the direct relationship between thoughts and feelings. When can feelings
determine actions without the influence of thoughts (some examples: post-traumatic stress
syndrome, satanic influences)?
3. According to Jer. 6:14 and Matt. 13:19, 21 how does God feel about superficial work? Does a
deep work necessarily mean a fast work? What scriptural evidence shows that God works
gradually?
4. Why is it important to approach problems in a holistic way – dealing not only with our
behavior, but with our thoughts and feelings as well?

Chapter 2: Faulty Thinking Patterns
1. All-or-None (Either-Or)
·
1.
2.
3.
4.

Characteristics
Everything perceived as extremes with no middle ground
“A person is either good or bad”
“I must get an A in every class or I am a failure”
“Because I am single, my life is a failure”

·
Examples
1. Jonah – “Ninevites are such bad people they need to be totally destroyed.” Later – “Now they
will see me as a false prophet. (God will have to destroy them or I will be a false prophet).” PK 271
2. Saul – “I must be the most popular man or I won’t stay as king.”
3. Satan (to Jesus in the wilderness) – “Surely God wouldn’t treat His Son like you are being
treated.”
4. Child – “Mommy doesn’t love me or she wouldn’t spank me”
·
Dangers
1. Nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of other
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Promotes impatience and intolerance
4. Can cause us to lose sight of the fact that God has the ability to transform any curse into a
blessing
2. Awfulizing
·
Characteristics
1. Seeing things in the worst possible light
2. Magnifying troubles and errors, and minimizing blessings and successes (see 2MCP 260 for
an example and remedial treatment)
·
“There are imperfections in human nature, and if one chooses the work of magnifying little
things and becoming irritated over the faults of others, he will always find occasion. Until we cease
to demand in others perfection which we do not posses ourselves, we shall find time to do little
else than dwell upon mistakes and disagreeable things.” ST 1892-03-21.003
·
Examples
1. “I made that mistake! I’ll loose my job, for sure!”
2. Children of Israel – When brought out of Egypt and faced difficulties they accused God of
bringing them to the desert to die
·
1.
2.
3.

Dangers
Ignores or mitigates God’s past and current blessings to us
Makes problems seem insurmountable
Leads to more reactive, passive thinking

3. Selective Filtering
·
Focusing on the negative parts of life and filtering out the positive
1. “We need not keep our own record of trails and difficulties, grieves, and sorrows. All these
things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are counting up
disagreeable things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from memory.” MH
487
2. “We need to beware of self-pity. Never indulge the feeling that you are not esteemed as you
should be, that your efforts are not appreciated, that your work is too difficult.” MH 476; Ps. 44: 23,
24; SC 119-121

3. “If we keep uppermost in our minds the unkind and unjust acts of others we shall find it
impossible to love them as Christ has loved us.” SC 121
·
(Note she doesn't say we should be “unaware,” but rather we should see events through the
perspective of love and power of God. To be totally unaware of life’s negatives and risks is another
type of selective filtering. Infatuation often happens when one can only see the good, charming
side of an individual without seeing his/her deficiencies and limitations.)
4. Mind-Reading
·
Believing you know what the other person is thinking or that you can predict the future –
fortune-telling (reading others’ motives is another unhealthy form of mind-reading)
1. “She didn't smile at me today. She must be mad at me.” (In reality, she was only preoccupied.)
2.

“They won’t listen.”

3.

“I’m going to fail this exam.” (Even if the person studied.)

·
1.
2.

Examples
King Saul – “David will overthrow me now that he is so popular.”
Jonah – “The people of Nineveh will think of me as a false prophet.”

5. Personalization
·
Accepting the blame for some negative event involving others – internalizing what other
people think of us
1. “My dad didn’t care, I must have not been worth anything.”
2. “My family would have been well-adjusted if it weren’t for me.”
·
Failing to accept other people’s limitations as only imitations and interpreting them as personal
rejections is a leading cause of stress
·
1.

Examples
Samuel – “They don’t like me because they’re asking for a king.”

·
Rebuttals
1. We are to accept God’s evaluations and values of us
2. DA 668 describes how God wanted us or else He would not have sent His Son on such an
expensive errand to redeem us
3. If we accept our parents’ evaluation of us and let them (whether good, bad, or indifferent)
determine our worth, we are putting them in place of God. God does make parents to stand in
place of God to very young children until they can grasp concepts about God. Unfortunately,
because of sin, most parents do not mirror God well. As we grow and become more mature, we
are to respect our parents but never let them determine our value. We have, as God’s creation and
redemption, a far greater value that should never be derived by another human individual.
4. The word “antichrist” means “in place of Christ” or “instead of Christ.” We know from Bible
prophecy that this refers to the papal system. However, we can create our own antichrists in our
mind by personalization.
6. Comparisons
·

“They that compare themselves among themselves are not wise.” 2 Cor. 10:12, Jude 22

·
1.
2.

Rebuttals
God does not judge by appearances
He also judges motives and attitudes, which we cannot

3.

God judges a person according to the opportunities they have

7. Overgeneralization
·
Assuming bad events will happen over and over or that things are always a certain way
1. “It happened to me once. My first husband was unfaithful. I must keep my present husband
from being unfaithful. I will never oppose him.”
2. “Nobody loves me.”
3. “I can't afford to make a mistake.”
4. “You always trip me up!”
·
·
1.

What can be said of a man at one time cannot be said of him at another time. (See 3T 470)
Generalization: Going from specific events to general applications
“Sally and Jane don’t like me. Nobody likes me. This is the story of my whole life.”

·
Rebuttal:
1. Whose prophecy do you accept: God’s or your own? Paul accepted God’s prophecy when he
said, “Being confident of this very thing, He which has begun a good work in you will complete it”
(Phil. 1:6). If we accept God’s wisdom and strength He offers us, this promise cannot fail.
8. Always Being Right
·
James 5:16, Matt. 7:3
·
“…if anything arises to cross your track and you cannot control matters, you settle back with
stubbornness, a dead weight on the church.” 5T 118
·
“You have a determined will, which causes the mind to react upon the body, unbalancing the
circulation and producing congestion in certain organs, and you are sacrificing health to your
feelings.” 5T 310
9. Should/Rigid Thinking
·
Characteristics
1. Setting arbitrary requirements (which can be for others or ourselves) without considering
consequences
·
Example: Disciples wanting to call down fire because others didn’t work miracles in their style
2. Making ourselves criterion for right and wrong
·
Rebuttals
1. “The other members of my family do not eat the same things that I do. I do not hold myself up
as a criterion for them. I leave each one to follow his own ideas to what is best for him. I bind no
one else’s conscience by my own. One man cannot be a criterion for another in the matter of
eating. It is impossible to make one rule for all to follow.” CDF 491
2. “In matters of the conscience the soul must be left untrammeled. No one is to control another's
mind, to judge for another, or to prescribe his duty. God gives to every soul freedom to think, and
to follow his own convictions…No one has a right to merge his own individuality in that of another.”
DA 550
3. “Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.” Rom. 14:5
·
Dangers
1. Should thinking also involves unrealistic thinking about what we should accomplish,
irrespective of limitations. We can do this to ourselves or to others.
2. When we do this to ourselves we eventually become burned out, angry, guilty, or frustrated.
3. When we do this to others, we often become judgmental and hold them in contempt and our
relationships are damaged.
10. Control Thinking

· Control others or our feelings by inappropriate behavior
1. Victim mentality (“I'm helpless”) or rescuing
2. Manipulation (the section on “swear not”)
3. Controlling personalities
·
“It is not God’s purpose that any human being should yield his mind and will to the control of
another, becoming a passive instrument in his hands. No one is to merge his individuality in that of
another. He is not to look to any human being as the source of healing. His dependence must be in
God. In the dignity of his God-given manhood he is to be controlled by God Himself, not by any
human intelligence.” MH 242
·
“The iron will changes not, because it would be too humiliating to acknowledge one’s self in
error.”
11. Blaming/Global labeling
·
1.
·
2.
3.
4.

Characteristics
Categorizing people based on limited exposure
“The whole nation is rotten.”
Blaming – Gen. 3:10-13
Global labeling – Rom. 2:3, Rom. 14:4
Rationalization (making plausible excuses) – Gal. 2:11-14, 1 Sam. 14:8

12. Emotional Reasoning
·
1.

Basing thoughts on feelings
“I feel like a loser, therefore I am a loser.”

·
“Our sacred faith does not consist either in feeling or in action merely, but the two must be
combined in the Christian life.” 4T 372
·
“Therefore in our labors and gifts for God's cause, it is unsafe to be controlled by feeling or
impulse.” CS 25
·
“If you form too high an opinion of yourself, you will think that your labors are of more real
consequence than they are, and you will plead individual independence which borders on
arrogance. If you go to the other extreme and form too low an opinion of yourself, you will feel
inferior and will leave an impression of inferiority which will greatly limit the influence that you might
have for good. You should avoid either extreme. Feelings should not control you; circumstances
should not affect you. You may form a correct estimate of yourself, one which will prove a
safeguard from both extremes. You may be dignified without vain self-confidence; you may be
condescending and yielding without sacrificing self-respect or individual independence, and your
life may be of great influence with those in the higher as well as the lower walks of life.” 3T 506
13. Rationalization
·
·

“They don't pay me enough, so I can go 15 minutes early.”
“Samuel is late. The people are restless. I must offer a sacrifice.”

14. Oversimplifying and Compartmentalizing
·
1.

Fitting life into nice little packages
“If I always make the right decision, I will be okay.”

·

Rebuttal

1.

The whole person with all their aspects is important (i.e. motives)

15. Intellectualization
·
Characteristics
1. When confronted with pain, making a philosophy regarding pain instead of feeling pain and
being comforted
2. Common when unable to trust others or God with emotions
·
Dangers
1. Leads to suppressed emotions
2. Contributes to personal dishonesty about true feelings (example: women at the well in John 4
– see comments in DA)
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Common Faulty Thinking Patterns of Christians
Christians can have false assumptions, too. These are based upon an incomplete understanding of
all the principles of God. They may have some truth at times but are incomplete and can work
havoc in our lives.
1. “It is selfish to have my needs met. Others should always come first.”
·
Phil. 2:4, Gal. 6:2, 5
·
“Self-development is our first duty to God and man.” CDF 14
·
“Unselfishness underlies true development.” CT
2. “If I'm spiritual enough, I will have no pain. All pain is a result of my sinfulness.”
·
Pain should be avoided at all cost
3. “If I change my behavior, I will grow emotionally and spiritually.”
·
This ignores that God wants us to “be” not merely perform. (5T 310; Mt. 23:25, 26; Phil. 2:3)
·
It discounts the place motives, thoughts, and feelings have in our character – however, as we
said in our first lesson, behavior influences the brain and mind
4. “I just need to give it to the Lord.”
·
De-emphasizes repentance, accountability, and efforts in searching for the answers (Prov.
2:4)
5. “Just leave the past behind. Don't think about it.”
·
See previous section
·
Phil. 3:3-14 – Paul leaving behind his old, legalistic way of trying to require righteousness
6. “If I have God, I don't need people.”
·
2 Cor. 1:3-11; Phil. 2:25-30; Acts 28:15; Eccl. 4:9-10; 1 Cor. 12; 2 Cor. 2:7
·
We should not dictate how God will work – many times He works through people
·
The Bible admonishes, “Be subject to one another.”
7. “If I make the right choices, I will grow spiritually.”
·
Right choices are essential to spiritual growth, but motives and intents are equally as
important (Matt. 7:18; Matt. 12:33)
8. “Just do the right thing.”
·
Our doing comes from our being
·
“The essence of all righteousness is our loyalty to our Redeemer”
·
The gospel of John emphasizes relationships
·
Matt. 7:16-27 describes the dynamics of relationships
Chapter 3: Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are what we believe within the deepest part of our being. They are our deepest
motivations. They are our gut feelings, even though we might be able to argue with them. Usually
we are unaware of them until the Holy Spirit, often through a crisis, reveals them to us. Cognitive
psychologists have identified several core beliefs that lead to depression, anxiety, anger, fear, or

guilt. These core beliefs control our motives, thoughts, actions, and relationships and lead to
ungodly behavior because they oppose the sovereignty of God in our lives.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Conformity/Approval Beliefs
·
Certain conformity, without surrendering principle, is necessary and good and promotes unity
of effort and goals. There is, on this side of heaven, a necessary conflict with good and evil. There
are also many unnecessary conflicts. Ellen White says that if pride and selfishness were laid aside,
most difficulties could be solved within five minutes. Persons with conformity/approval issues see
all conflict as evil and seek for approval until avoidance of conflict becomes a god, ruling the
motives.
1. “I must be approved by everyone for the things I do or I become anxious or depressed.”
2. “If people really knew me, they would think I was a terrible, weak, boring person.”
3. “I am fully responsible for the feelings of others.”
·
Rebuttal: We are to consider other’s feeling and preferences, but they are not to be the only
criteria for making decisions. If I make my decision based solely on pleasing others, I cannot make
a decision based upon what is right.
4. “Others will love me more if I am always giving.”
5. “Others are bound to reject me, so why get attached?”
·
Dangers
1.
Conformity beliefs are the basis for dependent behaviors, conforming behaviors, and ungodly
compromise. They degrade godly religion and counterfeit our genuine dependence upon God.
2.
It is difficult to do right and to hold on to godly principles if we are afraid of others’ opinions.
3.
Conflicts call into question our beliefs and prompt us to reassess, refine, and affirm them. If
we had no conflicts, would we do this?
·
Biblical references
1.
Aaron, the woman at the well, and Peter each showed, at times, ungodly conformity
(Galatians 2)
2.
Romans 12:2,4; 14:7; Phil. 2:1,2
·
Ellen White – Conflict
1. “Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person’s shadow. Expect that the Lord will
work in and by and through you.” MH 499
2. “He who has to deal with persons differing so widely in character, disposition, and
temperament will have trials, perplexities, and collisions, when he does his best.” 4T 555
3. “The very conflicts and rebuffs we meet are to make us stronger and give stability to our faith.
We are not to be swayed, like a reed in the wind, by every passing influence. Our souls, warmed
and invigorated by the truths of the gospel, shed their fragrance upon others. Clad in the whole
armor of righteousness, we can meet any influence and our purity remains untarnished.” 4T 557
4. “It is the nicest and most critical work ever given to mortals, to deal with minds. Those who
engage in this work should have clear discernment and good powers of discrimination. True
independence of mind is an element entirely different from rashness. That quality of independence
which leads to a cautious, prayerful, deliberate opinion should not be easily yielded, not until the
evidence is sufficiently strong to make it certain that we are wrong. This independence will keep
the mind calm and unchangeable amid the multitudinous errors which prevail, and even lead those
in responsible positions to look carefully at the evidence on every side, and not be swayed by the
influence of others, or by the surroundings, to form conclusions without intelligent, thorough
knowledge of all the circumstances.” 3T 104-5
5. “Men of might and power in this cause, whom God will use to His glory, are those who have
been opposed, baffled, and thwarted in their plans.” 3T 494
6. “You may be condescending and yielding without sacrificing self-respect or individual
independence…” 3T 506

7. “Real experience is a variety of careful experiments made with the mind freed from prejudice,
and uncontrolled by previously established opinions and habits. The results are marked with
careful solicitude and an anxious desire to learn, to improve, and to reform on every habit that is
not in harmony with physical and moral law… A fair trial by actual experiment and thorough
investigation, with knowledge of the principle involved in the action.” 3T 69
·
Ellen White – Unity and Interdependence
1. “By mutual contact, our minds should receive polish and refinement. We are dependent upon
one another, closely bound together by the ties of human brotherhood.
Heaven, forming each on other to depend,
A master, or a servant, or a friend,
Bids each on other for assistance call,
Till one man's weakness grows the strength of all.” MH 495
2. “When the practices of the people do not come in conflict with the law of God, you may
conform to them. If the workers fail to do this, they will not only hinder their own work, but they will
place stumbling blocks in the way of those for whom they labor and hinder them from accepting the
truth.” MCP 560
·
Rebuttals
1. Example: One or two classmates don’t seem to like you. They rebuff you. You feel and think,
“No one likes me.” Of course, that is generalization and selective filtering.
·
Generalization – Taking two people’s evaluation and perceiving it as a general attitude toward
you
·
Selective filtering – Focusing on the negatives and not the positives (those who do like you)
·
Core belief – “I must have the approval of everyone I know” underlies this extremist thinking
(conformity/approval core belief)
2. Alternatives
·
“Approval is nice, but not essential.”
·
“Some people love me even when they don’t approve of my views.”
·
“It is unrealistic to expect everyone’s approval – many of the godly men in the Bible
experienced persecution.”
·
“God loves me whether or not I have approval from others – an eternal acceptance comes
from Him.”
·
“Even when we do our best, we shall have collisions (see 4T 555) – men of might and power
in this work have been baffled, opposed, and thwarted (3T 494), therefore, I should expect some
obstacles.”
·
“All the previous alternative statements are correct, but God, I want you to show me if I have
done anything to offend these people – do You want me to approach them about it or leave it
alone?”
·
“God, why is their approval so important to me that it occupies my time and my mind – do I
make approval an unconscious god to comfort me?”
·
Thought questions:
1. How is conformity different from cooperation?
2. Does cooperation include some conformity?
3. When can conciliatory actions counterfeit true peace making?
4. Can we be conciliatory just to avoid pain?
5. What light does the Biblical principle “…submit yourselves one to another…” have upon
healthy and unhealthy conformity?
6. What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy submission?
7. What are some “advantages” of conformity core beliefs?
______________________________________________________________________________
__

Performance/Compulsivity Beliefs
·
Performance is important. As Christians we want to do all to the glory of God, because we
love Him. This type of core belief, however, centers around earning approval and does not tolerate
mistakes well.
1. Engages in unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Can result in rigid thinking, anxiety, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, placing unrealistic
demands on self and others
Unrealistic demands can lead to unhealthy defense mechanisms, pseudo-guilt, and anger. These
individuals have trouble accepting love and grace and extending them to others. They can become
impatient, legalistic, and arbitrary. Notice how these core beliefs discount God’s graciousness. In
our pride, we refuse to acknowledge our dependence on Him and our interdependence on others.
Many times, individuals with these core beliefs, become more interested in achievement than
people. Performance-oriented individuals struggle with competitiveness and legalism. Sometimes
individuals with this type of thinking (perfectionist) become afraid and unwilling to risk the mistakes
necessary to try new things and make a contribution. It makes them critical of themselves and it is
difficult for them to relax. They become disillusioned quickly.
·
Performance-oriented thinking
1. “I should be competent at all times.”
2. “She is soooooo slow!”
3. You make a mistake. You yell “stupid” at yourself or someone else yells “stupid” at you (or
would like to).
4. Love must be earned with unusual accomplishments.
5. “I should be able to satisfy all my own needs.”
6. “I should be productive at all times. There’s no time for learning or mistakes.”
7. Perfection is the only acceptable standard.
·
Biblical references
1. Paul before his conversion (see Phil. 3:3-6)
2. Pharisees
3. Nebuchadnezzar (see Daniel 4)
4. 1 Chronicles 16:34; Psalm 103:2-4, 8-13; Matthew 20:1-16; Luke 14:21; Zephaniah 3:19,20; 2
Corinthians 12:9; Titus 3
·
Thought questions
1. Are there any real or false advantages to this type of thinking? What is the difference between
perfectionism and the perfection that Jesus extends to us? If I have this type of performanceoriented thinking, what would be my attitude toward others and how would it reflect back on me?
2. Would I, by engaging in this type of thinking, be making the things of my Father's house a
marketplace (see John 2:16)? In other words, do I say that the grace of God is for those only who
succeed? When Jesus said, “I am come to seek and save the lost,” He was saying He was going
to seek and save the “ruined” (original language).
3. How is the Christian's pursuit of excellence different from this type of thinking?
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Controlling Core Beliefs
·
This kind of control thinking is ungodly because it doesn't respect God’s ability to rule and
overrule in our own lives and the lives of others. Controlling people often doesn’t respect the ability
of others to make choices. Controllers tend to use force, threats, and manipulation when dealing
with others. Imperative people can be smooth. They are not always rough. Some Biblical examples
include Pharaoh, King Saul, and the Pharisees.
1.
2.

“If things don’t go as I have planned, I am out of control.” (Self-control)
“If others don't do as I wish, they don’t care about me.” (Control of others)

3.
4.
5.
6.

“I must be strong because only the strong are loved.” (Self-control and control of others)
“If anything goes wrong, it is my fault.”
“No one can do it as well as I can. I better stick around.”
“I must be sure to correct any error I see in others.”

·
Ellen White – Control
1. “Many of our people are in danger of trying to exercise a controlling power upon others and of
bringing oppression upon their fellow men. There is danger that those who are entrusted with
responsibility will acknowledge but one power – the power of an unsanctified will.” CWE 71-72
2. “Do not, through impatience, cut the knot of difficulty, making matters hopeless. Let God
untangle the snarled-up threads for you. He is wise enough to manage the complications of our
lives. He has skill and tact. We cannot always see His plans; we must wait patiently for their
unfolding and not mar and destroy them. Seek for unity; cultivate love and conformity to Christ in
all things. He is the source of unity and strength, but you have not sought for Christian unity that
you might knit hearts together in love.” 5T 348
3. “He has strong traits of character that will need to be constantly repressed. If kept under the
control of the Spirit of God, these traits will be a blessing, but if not, they will prove a curse.” MM 36
4. “While he makes God his strength, and loves and fears Him, he will be rightly balanced; but as
surely as he loses his connection with God and attempts to go in his own strength, the same will
that has proved a blessing will prove an injury to himself and to others. He will become
overbearing, tyrannical, exacting, and dictatorial.” Ibid.
5. “Man can make his circumstances, but circumstances should never make the man. Man
should seize circumstances as his instruments with which to work. He should master
circumstances, but should never allow circumstances to master him. Individual independence and
individual power are the qualities now needed. Individual character need not be sacrificed, but it
should be modulated, refined, elevated.” 3T 497
6. “Those who desire a fixed amount to do and a fixed salary and who wish to prove an exact fit
without the trouble of adaptation or training, are not the ones whom God calls to work in His
cause… Self-interest is the ruling motive.” MH 499
7. “We must work discretely and determinedly to adjust matters.” 12 MR 67
8. “If our brethren would consider the important matters pertaining to eternal life and eternal
death, managing of the smaller matters that they desire so much to adjust, would adjust
themselves.” 1 MR 58
9. “Those who are not willing to adapt themselves to each other’s disposition, so as to avoid
unpleasant differences and contentions, should not take the step.” (Referring to marriage) AH 84
10. “The religion of Christ does not require us to lose our identity of character, but merely to adapt
ourselves, in some measure, to the feelings and ways of others. Many people may be brought
together in a unity of religious faith whose opinions, habits, and tastes in temporal matters are not
in harmony; but if they have the love of Christ glowing in their hearts and are looking forward to the
same heaven as their eternal home, they may have the sweetest and most intelligent communion
together, and a unity the most wonderful…” GW92 400
11. “In doing the work of God, you will be placed in a variety of circumstances which will require
self-possession and self-control, but which will qualify you to adapt yourself to circumstances and
the peculiarities of the situation. Then you can act yourself unembarrassed. You should not place
too low an estimate upon your ability to act your part in the various callings of practical life. Where
you are aware of deficiencies, go to work at once to remedy those defects…” 3T 505
12. “Smile, parents; smile teachers… Unbend from your iron dignity, adapt yourselves to the
children’s needs, and make them love you.” AH 432
·
1.
2.

Bible references
Jeremiah 18; Romans 8:32; Psalm 33:10,11; Proverbs 12;1
Isaiah 8:10; Isaiah 43:13; Isaiah 45:25,26

·
1.
2.
3.

Thought questions
What real or false advantages does a person have when in a control core-belief?
When a person acts from a control core-belief, what would be some results?
What do the above Scriptures teach us about control?

·

Think-It-Through

1. Choose one core belief and find specific Biblical passages (not mentioned in class) where a
core belief was reflected in a person's behavior. How did it affect him or her? What were the
results? How did God intervene? Did the person realize his mistake in thinking?
Note: This assignment will help you help yourself and another person overcome a faulty core
belief. Of course, a person could have more than one. These core beliefs are at the heart of our
carnal nature and were not planted there by God. Jesus promises that every plant which He did not
plant, He will uproot (see Matthew 15:13).
______________________________________________________________________________
__
References
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

The Holy Bible
Allender, Dan; The Wounded Heart
McMinn, Mark; Cognitive Therapy in Christian Counseling
Townsend, John; False Assumptions
White, Ellen (a variety of sources)

Chapter 4 – Part 1:
The Need for Dealing with the Past
Introduction
“In reviewing our past history, having traveled over every step of advance to our present standing, I
can say, Praise God! As I see what God has wrought, I am filled with astonishment, and with
confidence in Christ as leader. We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the
way the Lord has led us, and His teaching in our past history.” CET 204
What does it involve?
1. Recognizing, confessing, and repenting of past sins and mistakes and placing them under
Jesus’ righteousness
2. Making restitution when possible
3. Learning from mistakes and sins and developing foresight and empathy
4. Seeing how past events extend into our present lives and renouncing any false motivations,
distorted thinking, detrimental strategies of coping, or false covenants developed from past hurts
5. Detecting the presence of God even in past calamities and learning to comfort others
Why Deal with the Past?
1. The past shapes the present and the present shapes our future.
·
“The lessons that the child learns during the first seven years of life have more to do with
forming his character than all that it learns in future years.” CG 193
·
“The first lessons impressed upon the child are seldom forgotten. . . The impressions made on
the heart early in life are seen in after years. They may be buried, but they will seldom be
obliterated.” CG 193-4
2. Learn from it – see how God can bring victory out of defeat.
·
“Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing
the desired haven. We shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to
hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We
must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the book where all things are written
down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many things if we choose. The past should
teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As we call
to mind that in the past which has been disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let
nothing be traced which will cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing.
Every day we live we are making our history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment
or control. Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall
this day; it will be yesterday to us.” TMK 89
·
“Jesus Christ has plentiful help and grace for all who will appreciate it. The Lord is our helper;
with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of the past. He can strengthen the mind. If
we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to warn us of the ground we should not
approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89
3. Hiding the past involves a form of dishonesty.
·
Denial of the past is denial of truth. As the God of truth, God wants us to deal with truth in the
real world.
4. If God is trustworthy, He can deal with the past.
5. To know ourselves.
·
“Self-knowledge will save many from falling into grievous temptations, and prevent many an
inglorious defeat. In order to become acquainted with ourselves, it is essential that we faithfully
investigate the motives and principles of our conduct, comparing our actions with the standard of
duty revealed in God’s word.” GW 246
6. To help us grow in the stunted areas of our lives.
7. To repent of false covenants and other sins.

·
A false covenant is designed to protect us at all cost. It is based upon unrealistic expectations.
When these unrealistic expectations are not met, we become angry, depression or disillusioned
with life. False covenants lead us to think in rigid ways and sabotage the true covenants between
God and us. In other words, they rule our lives like idols.
8. Improve some of our relationships.
9. Pull out the roots of bitterness. (Heb. 12:15)
·
“Jacob was afflicted because he had made a mistake in his life. He was cast down to the very
depths. Alone, weary, dispirited, tortured by the recollections of his past errors, and overwhelmed
with apprehensions for the future, he laid him down to rest, his head pillowed upon a stone. Had
Jacob’s conscience been clear, his heart would have been strong in God. But he knew his present
perplexities, his fears and trials, were in consequence of his sins. This reflection is what embittered
his life. Jacob was repentant, yet he did not feel easy under the wrong he had done. Through
tribulation and through physical and mental suffering he could only have hope to find his way again
to the favor of God.” TDG 323
·
As Jacob struggled with the issues of his sinful past, God gave him a wonderful exchange –
his nature was changed from a deceiver to a prince of God.
·
“This heart-searching question was necessary in the case of Peter, and it is necessary in our
case. The work of restoration can never be thorough unless the roots of evil are reached. Again
and again the shoots have been clipped, while the root of bitterness has been left to spring up and
defile many; but the very depth of the hidden evil must be reached, the moral senses must be
judged, and judged again, in the light of the divine presence. The daily life will testify whether or not
the work is genuine.” 5BC 1152
·
“The tops [of the roots of bitterness] have been cut down, but the roots have never been
eradicated, and they still bear their unholy fruit to poison the judgment, pervert the perceptions,
and blind the understanding of those with whom you connect, in regard to the message and the
messengers. When, by thorough confession, you destroy the root of bitterness, you will see light in
God’s light. Without this thorough work you will never clear your souls. You need to study the word
of God with a purpose, not to confirm your own ideas, but to bring them to be trimmed, to be
condemned or approved, as they are or are not in harmony with the Word of God. The Bible should
be your constant companion. You should study the Testimonies, not to pick out certain sentences
to use as you see fit, to strengthen your assertions, while you disregard the plainest statements
given to correct your course of action.” LS 326
10. To deepen repentance and give encouragement.
·
“The Lord directed Moses to recount to the children of Israel His dealings with them in their
deliverance from Egypt and their wonderful preservation in the wilderness. He was to call to mind
their unbelief and murmuring when brought into trial, and the Lord’s great mercy and lovingkindness, which had never forsaken them. This would stimulate their faith and strengthen their
courage. While they would be led to realize their own sin and weakness, they would realize also
that God was their righteousness and strength.” 7T 210
·
“It is just as essential that the people of God in this day should bear in mind how and when
they have been tested, and where their faith has failed; where they have imperiled His cause by
their unbelief. . . are to be recounted, step by step. As God’s people thus review the past, they
should see that the Lord is ever repeating His dealings.” 7T 210
11. Unresolved conflicts from the past can undermine our health.
·
“The relation that exists between the mind and the body is very intimate. When one is affected,
the other sympathizes. The condition of the mind affects the health to a far greater degree than
many realize. Many of the diseases from which men suffer are the result of mental depression.
Grief, anxiety, discontent, remorse, guilt, distrust, all tend to break down the life forces and invite
decay and death.” MH 241

Chapter 4 – Part 2:
Dealing with the Past
Principles
1. The past teaches us helpful lessons
·
“’Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations: ask thy father, and he
will show thee; thy elders, and they will tell thee.’ Deut. 32:7. Life is like a voyage. We have storm
and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing the desired haven. We shall soon be
beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of
me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We must accept this invitation daily. The past
is contained in the book where all things are written down. We cannot blot out the record, but we
can learn many things if we choose. The past should teach us its lessons. As we make the past
our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As we call to mind that in the past which has been
disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let nothing be traced which will cause
regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we are making our
history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment or control. Then let us not grieve the
Spirit of God today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall this day; it will be yesterday to us.”
TMK 89
·
“God forbid that at this important hour we should be so engrossed with other matters as to
give no time to serious, candid, critical self-examination! Let things of minor consequence be put in
the background, and let us now bring to the front the things which concern our eternal interests.”
LHU 15
2. Respect and learn from the past, but don’t let it become the centerpiece of your life
·
“Do not bring the disagreeable things of the past into your present life. Testify that life with
Christ is no failure… Dismiss Satan, walk with Jesus, and be complete in Him. Never, never give
Satan the satisfaction of taunting you or others that our faith is a deception, a delusion.” UL 314
(note: “bring” is not necessarily “remembering”)
·
“If you feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past, out of your
keeping, things you cannot change or alter, you will neglect the present duties lying directly in your
pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of your faith. Turn your attention from
subjects which make you gloomy and sad, for you become an agent in the hands of the enemy to
multiply gloom and darkness and you will make the atmosphere surrounding your soul dark and
forbidding. Although severe afflictions may come upon you, it is your business to look up, and to
see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
·
“If you are exclusively engaged in dwelling upon your own sorrows and darkness, thinking God
has dealt hard with you, your religion is not uplifting but is depressing. You become a shadow of
darkness, hard and complaining, when exclusively shut up to your own sorrows.” TDG 233
3. Focus on God’s providences in the past
·
“Can we not, in view of the past, look on new trials and increased perplexities – even
afflictions, privations, and bereavements – and not be dismayed, but look upon the past and say,
‘Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.’ I will commit the keeping of my soul unto Him as unto a faithful
Creator. He will keep that which I have committed to His trust against that day. ‘As thy days, so
shall thy strength be.’” Manuscript 22, 1889 (3SM 320)
4. Realize the past shapes the present and future
·
“Do you not think all heaven would look upon you with pleasure if you should open your heart
to the pitying love of Christ? Elder A will brood over this matter and so will you just as long as this
difference shall live and be cultivated between you. But let every root of bitterness be dug up and
buried.” TDG 121
·
“It is possible that you have mistaken views in regard to Elder A’s real motives. And again you
may think and talk and feel more than you should feel and you misapprehend your brother.” TDG
121
5. Pull out past roots of bitterness from our lives
·
“This heart-searching question was necessary in the case of Peter, and it is necessary in our
case. The work of restoration can never be thorough unless the roots of evil are reached. Again
and again the shoots have been clipped, while the root of bitterness has been left to spring up and
defile many; but the very depth of the hidden evil must be reached, the moral senses must be

judged, and judged again, in the light of the divine presence. The daily life will testify whether or not
the work is genuine.” 5BC 1152
·
“The tops [of the roots of bitterness] have been cut down, but the roots have never been
eradicated, and they still bear their unholy fruit to poison the judgment, pervert the perceptions,
and blind the understanding of those with whom you connect, in regard to the message and the
messengers. When, by thorough confession, you destroy the root of bitterness, you will see light in
God’s light. Without this thorough work you will never clear your souls. You need to study the word
of God with a purpose, not to confirm your own ideas, but to bring them to be trimmed, to be
condemned or approved, as they are or are not in harmony with the word of God. The Bible should
be your constant companion. You should study the Testimonies, not to pick out certain sentences
to use as you see fit, to strengthen your assertions, while you disregard the plainest statements
given to correct your course of action.” LS 326
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Dealing with the Past Successfully
1. Recognize and avoid the two ditches.
·
Dwelling on it until past hurts absorb us. (1 Cor. 3:18)
1. “Do not bring the disagreeable things of the past into your present life. Testify that life with
Christ is no failure. . . . Dismiss Satan, walk with Jesus, and be complete in Him. Never, never give
Satan the satisfaction of taunting you or others that our faith is a deception, a delusion.” UL 314
2. “If you feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past, out of your
keeping, things you cannot change or alter, you will neglect the present duties lying directly in your
pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of your faith. Turn your attention from
subjects which make you gloomy and sad, for you become an agent in the hands of the enemy to
multiply gloom and darkness and you will make the atmosphere surrounding your soul dark and
forbidding. Although severe afflictions may come upon you, it is your business to look up, and to
see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
·
Repression without processing it.
2. Justification is the key to dealing with sins of the past.
·
“I rejoice in the bright prospects of the future, and so may you. Be cheerful, and praise the
Lord for His loving-kindness. That which you cannot understand, commit to Him. He loves you and
pities your every weakness. He ‘hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in
Christ.’ It would not satisfy the heart of the Infinite One to give those who love His Son a lesser
blessing than He gives His Son. TM 518
·
“Satan seeks to draw our minds away from the mighty Helper, to lead us to ponder over our
degeneration of soul. But though Jesus sees the guilt of the past, He speaks pardon; and we
should not dishonor Him by doubting His love. The feeling of guiltiness must be laid at the foot of
the cross, or it will poison the springs of life. When Satan thrusts his threatenings upon you, turn
from them, and comfort your soul with the promises of God. The cloud may be dark in itself, but
when filled with the light of heaven, it turns to the brightness of gold; for the glory of God rests upon
it.” TM 518
3. Learn to distinguish.
·
When the hurtful past comes to you, ask: “Who is bringing it up and for what reasons?” –
When Satan brings up the past, he condemns us hoping that we will become embittered.
·
When does God bring up the past? – “The true object of reproof is gained only when the
wrongdoer himself is led to see his fault and his will is enlisted for its correction. When this is
accomplished, point him to the source of pardon and power.” CG 223
4. Respect trials.
·
Trials reveal hidden defects of character.
·
“Our heavenly Father sees the hearts of men, and He knows their characters better than they
themselves know them. He sees that some have susceptibilities and powers, which, directed in the
right channel, might be used to His glory to aid in the advancement of His work. He puts these
persons on trial and in His wise providence brings them into different positions and under a variety

of circumstances, testing them that they may reveal what is in their hearts and the weak points in
their characters which have been concealed from their own knowledge. To men whom God
designs shall fill responsible positions, He in mercy reveals their hidden defects, that they may look
within and examine critically the complicated emotions and exercises of their own hearts, and
detect that which is wrong; thus they may modify their dispositions and refine their manners. The
Lord in His providence brings men where He can test their moral powers and reveal their motives
of action, that they may improve what is right in themselves and put away that which is wrong. God
would have His servants become acquainted with the moral machinery of their own hearts. In order
to bring this about, He often permits the fire of affliction to assail them that they may become
purified. ‘But who may abide the day of His coming? and who shall stand when He appeareth? for
He is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap: and He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver:
and He shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto
the Lord an offering in righteousness.” 4T 84
·
“The purification of the people of God cannot be accomplished without their suffering. God
permits the fires of affliction to consume the dross, to separate the worthless from the valuable that
the pure metal may shine forth. He passes us from one fire to another, testing our true worth. If we
cannot bear these trials, what will we do in the time of trouble? If prosperity or adversity discovers
falseness, pride, or selfishness in our hearts, what shall we do when God tries every man’s work
as by fire, and lays bare the secrets of all hearts?” 4T 85
·
“God brings men over the ground again and again, increasing the pressure until perfect
humility and a transformation of character bring them into harmony with Christ and the spirit of
heaven, and they are victors over themselves.” 4T 86
5. Always think about the past in the context of God’s providences and promises extended to you
and to others. (See ref. on supplement, 9-14.)
6. Avoid the bookkeeping system in keeping records of past wrongs.
·
“If you are exclusively engaged in dwelling upon your own sorrows and darkness, thinking God
has dealt hard with you, your religion is not uplifting but is depressing. You become a shadow of
darkness, hard and complaining, when exclusively shut up to your own sorrows.” TDG 233
7. Make restitution, not atonement.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Self-Reliance
·
“So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient.” CG 39
·
“Among the first things to be aimed at should be a correct position, both in sitting and in
standing. God made man upright, and He desires him to possess not only the physical but the
mental and moral benefit, the grace and dignity and self-possession, the courage and self-reliance,
which an erect bearing so greatly tends to promote. Let the teacher give instruction on this point by
example and by precept. Show what a correct position is, and insist that it shall be maintained.” Ed
198
·
“They have not been trained to habits of self-denial and self-reliance as their safeguards in life.
Here is the great sin resting upon parents. They do not discipline their children and do not train
them up for God. They do not teach them self-government, stability of character, and the necessity
of a resolute, well-directed will. Most children, in this age, are left to come up. They are not taught
the necessity of developing their physical and mental powers for some good purpose, to bless
society with their influence, to be well qualified to adorn the Christian life, and to perfect holiness in
the fear of God.” 2T 647
·
Men of power are those who have been opposed, baffled, and thwarted. By calling their
energies into action, the obstacles they meet prove to them positive blessings. They gain selfreliance. Conflict and perplexity call for the exercise of trust in God and for that firmness which
develops power.” MH 500
·
“Many become inefficient by evading responsibilities for fear of failure. Thus they fail of gaining
that education which results from experience, and which reading and study and all the advantages
otherwise gained cannot give them.” MH 500

·
“Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me,’ Philippians 4:13.” Ed 256
·
“Nothing can give you such power, such true self-reliance and nobility of soul, as a sense of
the dignity of your work, an assurance that you are co-laborers with God in doing good and saving
souls.” 4T 615
·
“Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not,
because of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect must
be careful not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be sacredly
observed toward the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with these apparently
unpromising ones, you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons no more promising or
attractive to do a great work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the heart, has roused every faculty to
vigorous action. The Lord saw in these rough, unhewn stones precious material, which would
stand the test of storm and heat and pressure. God does not see as man sees. He does not judge
from appearances, but searches the heart and judges righteously.” GW 123
·
“It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying: ‘Lord, my burdens are too heavy
for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer: ‘I will take them. “With
everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins, and will give you peace.
Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of My own blood. You are
Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin I will remove.’” TM 519
·
“Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance, must be firmly and constantly
cherished. There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one indiscretion,
may jeopardize the soul, by opening the door to temptation and thus weakening the power of
resistance.” CH 295
·
“Through indulgence in sin, self-respect is destroyed; and when that is gone, respect for
others is lessened; we think that others are as unrighteous as we are ourselves.” 6T 52
·
“The love of influence and the desire for the esteem of others may produce a well-ordered life.
Self-respect may lead us to avoid the appearance of evil. A selfish heart may perform generous
actions. By what means, then, shall we determine whose side we are on?” SC 58
·
“Try to convince them that indulgence in this sin will destroy self-respect and nobleness of
character, will ruin health and morals; and its foul stain will blot from the soul true love for God and
the beauty of holiness. The mother should pursue this matter until she has sufficient evidence that
the practice is at an end.” CG 458
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Self-Control
·
“You should control yourself. Never correct your children while impatient or fretful, or while
under the influence of passion. Punish them in love, manifesting the unwillingness you feel to
cause them pain. Never raise your hand to give them a blow unless you can with a clear
conscience bow before God and ask His blessing upon the correction you are about to give.
Encourage love in the hearts of your children. Present before them high and correct motives for
self-restraint. Do not give them the impression that they must submit to control because it is your
arbitrary will; because they are weak, and you are strong; because you are the father, they the
children. If you wish to ruin your family, continue to govern by brute force, and you will surely
succeed.” 2T 259
·
“Those who are close students of the Word, following Christ in humility of soul, will not go to
extremes. The Savior never went to extremes, never lost self-control, never violated the laws of
good taste. He knew when to speak and when to keep silent. He was always self-possessed. He
never erred in His judgment of men or of truth. He was never deceived by appearances. He never
raised a question that was not clearly appropriate, never gave an answer that was not right to the
point. He silenced the voice of the caviling priests by penetrating beneath the surface and reaching
the heart, flashing light into the mind and awakening the conscience.” GW 317

·
“We must let Christ into our hearts and homes if we would walk in the light. Home should be
made all that the word implies. It should be a little heaven upon earth, a place where the affections
are cultivated instead of being studiously repressed. Our happiness depends upon this cultivation
of love, sympathy, and true courtesy to one another. The reason there are so many hardhearted
men and women in our world is that true affection has been regarded as weakness and has been
discouraged and repressed. The better part of the nature of persons of this class was perverted
and dwarfed in childhood, and unless rays of divine light can melt away their coldness and
hardhearted selfishness, the happiness of such is buried forever. If we would have tender hearts,
such as Jesus had when He was upon the earth, and sanctified sympathy, such as the angels
have for sinful mortals, we must cultivate the sympathies of childhood, which are simplicity itself.
Then we shall be refined, elevated, and directed by heavenly principles.” 3T 539
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Self-Forgetfulness
·
“Many long intensely for friendly sympathy. God has given each of us an identity of our own,
which cannot be merged in that of another; but our individual characteristics will be much less
prominent if we are indeed Christ’s and His will is ours. Our lives should be consecrated to the
good and happiness of others, as was our Savior’s. We should be self-forgetful, ever looking out
for opportunities, even in little things, to show gratitude for the favors we have received of others,
and watching for opportunities to cheer others and lighten and relieve their sorrows and burdens by
acts of tender kindness and little deeds of love. These thoughtful courtesies, that, commencing in
our families, extend outside the family circle, help make up the sum of life's happiness; and the
neglect of these little things makes up the sum of life’s bitterness and sorrow.” 3T 539
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Boundaries and Individuality
·
“There are rights that belong to every individual. We have an individuality and an identity that
is our own. No one can submerge his identity in that of any other. All must act for themselves,
according to the dictates of their own conscience. As regards our responsibility and influence, we
are amenable to God as deriving our life from Him. This we do not obtain from humanity, but from
God only. We are His by creation and by redemption. Our very bodies are not our own, to treat as
we please, to cripple by habits that lead to decay, making it impossible to render to God perfect
service. Our lives and all our faculties belong to Him. He is caring for us every moment; He keeps
the living machinery in action; if we were left to run it for one moment, we should die. We are
absolutely dependent upon God.” CD 56
·
“Why are many of us so weak and inefficient? It is because we look to self, studying our own
temperaments and wondering how we can make a place for ourselves, our individuality, and our
peculiarities, in the place of studying Christ and His character.” 9T 187
·
“None should consent to be mere machines, run by another man's mind. God has given us
ability, to think and to act, and it is by acting with carefulness, looking to Him for wisdom that you
will become capable of bearing burdens. Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other
person's shadow. Expect that the Lord will work in and by and through you.” MH 498
·
“Jesus, Friend of Sinners. I would call your attention to the precious promises in the Word of
God. Not all who are children of God have the same powers, the same temperaments, the same
confidence and boldness. I am glad indeed that our feelings are no evidence that we are not
children of God. The enemy will tempt you to think that you have done things that have separated
you from God and that He no longer loves you, but our Lord loves us still, and we may know by the
words He has placed on record for just such as yours. ‘If any man sin, we have an advocate with
the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous’ (1 John 2:1). ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just
to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9).” TSB 257
______________________________________________________________________________
__

Rights
·
“Remember that children have rights which must be respected.” AH 306
·
“Children have claims which their parents should acknowledge and respect. They have a right
to such an education and training as will make them useful, respected, and beloved members of
society here, and give them a moral fitness for the society of the pure and holy hereafter. The
young should be taught that both their present and their future well-being depend to a great degree
on the habits they form in childhood and youth. They should be early accustomed to submission,
self-denial, and a regard for others’ happiness. They should be taught to subdue the hasty temper,
to withhold the passionate word, to manifest unvarying kindness, courtesy, and self-control.” AH
306
·
“The Lord Jesus demands our acknowledgment of the rights of every man. Men’s social rights,
and their rights as Christians, are to be taken into consideration. All are to be treated with
refinement and delicacy, as the sons and daughters of God.” MH 489
·
“’He hath showed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do
justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?’ Micah 6:8. One of the very highest
applications of these principles is found in the recognition of man’s right to himself, to the control of
his own mind, to the stewardship of his talents, the right to receive and to impart the fruit of his own
labor. Strength and power will be in our institutions only as in all their connection with their fellow
men they recognize these principles, --only as in their dealing they give heed to the instruction of
the word of God.” 7T 180
·
“Every false religion teaches its adherents to be careless of human needs, sufferings, and
rights. The gospel places a high value upon humanity as the purchase of the blood of Christ, and it
teaches a tender regard for the wants and woes of man. The Lord says, ‘I will make a man more
precious than fine gold; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir.’ (Isa. 13:12).” DA 286
·
“Let no plans or methods be adopted in any of our institutions that will bind mind or talent
under the control of human judgment; for this is not in God’s order. God has given to men talents of
influence which belong to Him alone, and no greater dishonor can be done to God than for one
finite agent to bring other men’s talents under his absolute control, even though the benefits of the
same be used to the advantage of the cause. In such arrangements one man’s mind is ruled by
another man’s mind, and the human agency is separated from God and exposed to temptation.
Satan's methods tend to one end – to make men the slaves of men. And when this is done,
confusion and distrust, jealousies and evil surmisings, are the result. Such a course destroys faith
in God and in the principles which are to control, to purge from guile and every species of
selfishness and hypocrisy.” TM 360
·
“Jesus did not contend for His rights. Often His work was made unnecessarily severe because
He was willing and uncomplaining. Yet He did not fail nor become discouraged. He lived above
these difficulties, as if in the light of God's countenance. He did not retaliate when roughly used,
but bore insult patiently.” DA 89
·
“We must learn that others have rights as well as we ourselves.” GW 303
·
“It is in the order of God that persons of varied temperament should associate together. When
this is the case, each member of the household should sacredly regard the feelings and respect
the rights of the others. By this means mutual consideration and forbearance will be cultivated,
prejudices will be softened, and rough points of character smoothed. Harmony may be secured,
and the blending of the varied temperaments may be a benefit to each.” AH 427
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Choice
·
“In Christ is vested the ownership of every man. Man should not be another man’s property.
God has bought mankind. One man’s mind, one man’s power, should not rule and control
another’s conscience. In the sight of God wealth and position do not exalt one man above another.

Men are free to choose the service of God, to love the Lord, and to keep all His commandments.”
MS 126, 1901 (1BC 1106)
·
“Without freedom of choice, his obedience would not have been voluntary, but forced. There
could have been no development of character. Such a course would have been contrary to God’s
plan in dealing with the inhabitants of other worlds. It would have been unworthy of man as an
intelligent being, and would have sustained Satan's charge of God’s arbitrary rule.” PP 49
·
“God does not compel men to give up their unbelief. Before them are light and darkness, truth
and error. It is for them to decide which they will accept. The human mind is endowed with power
to discriminate between right and wrong. God designs that men shall not decide from impulse.” DA
458

Chapter 5: Dealing with Anger
Introduction
1. Why does anger make us feel uncomfortable?
2. Is all anger bad?
3. Is anger always destructive? Can it be used creatively?
4. Bible texts: Eph. 4:26; Matt. 7:41; Matt. 5:22; Matt. 7:1,2
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Causes of Anger
1. Righteous indignation
·
“It is true there is an indignation that is justifiable, even in the followers of Christ. When they
see that God is dishonored, and His service brought into disrepute, when they see the innocent
oppressed, a righteous indignation stirs the soul. Such anger, born of sensitive morals, is not a sin.
But those who at any supposed provocation feel at liberty to indulge anger or resentment are
opening the heart to Satan. Bitterness and animosity must be banished from the soul if we would
be in harmony with heaven.” DA 310
·
“It is a righteous indignation against sin, which springs from zeal for the glory of God, not that
anger prompted by self-love or wounded ambition, which is referred to in the scripture, ‘Be ye
angry, and sin not.’ Such was the anger of Moses.” TM 100
2. Carnal attitudes
3. Unmet needs (boredom, injustice, insecurity, envy, poor health habits, sickness, humiliation,
embarrassment, failures, rejection, insufficient privacy or space, frustrations, physical limitations, a
sense of hopelessness)
4. Misinterpretations and faulty thinking patterns (i.e. “When I’m angry, I become quiet – so when
you are quiet, you must be angry too”)
5. Unrealistic expectations
6. Rejection of God’s teaching
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Physiology of Anger
1. “But anger was cherished; for the time being, reason was dethroned and the heart was made
a prey to ungovernable passion.” 4T 431
2. “The influence of the mind on the body, as well as of the body on the mind, should be
emphasized. The electric power of the brain, promoted by mental activity, vitalizes the whole
system, and is thus an invaluable aid in resisting disease. This should be made plain. The power of
the will and the importance of self-control, both in the preservation and in the recovery of health,
the depressing and even ruinous effect of anger, discontent, selfishness, or impurity, and, on the
other hand, the marvelous life-giving power to be found in cheerfulness, unselfishness, gratitude,
should also be shown.” Ed 197
3. “When one once gives place to an angry spirit he is just as much intoxicated as the man who
has put the glass to his lips.” OHC 235
4. Anger compromises frontal lobe ability
·
“The man who gives way to folly in speaking passionate words, bears false witness; for he is
never just. He exaggerates every defect he thinks he sees; he is too blind and unreasonable to be
convinced of his madness. He transgresses the commandments of God, and his imagination is
perverted by the inspiration of Satan. He knows not what he is doing. Blind and deaf, he permits
Satan to take the helm and guide him wherever he pleases. The door is then thrown open to

malice, to envy, and to evil surmisings, and the poor victim is borne helplessly on. But there is
hope while the hours of probation linger, through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.” OHC 235
·
Some are nervous, and if they begin to lose self-control in word or spirit under
provocation,
they are as much intoxicated with wrath as the inebriate is with
liquor. They are unreasonable,
and not easily persuaded or convinced. They are
not sane; Satan for the time has full control.
Every one of these exhibitions of
wrath weakens the nervous system and the moral powers,
and makes it difficult to restrain anger or another provocation. With this class there is only one
remedy,--positive self-control under all circumstances. The effort to get into a favorable place,
where self will not be annoyed, may succeed for a time; but Satan knows where to find these poor
souls, and will assail them in their weak points again and again. They will be continually troubled
so long as they think so much of self. They carry the heaviest load a mortal can lift, that is self,
unsanctified and unsubdued. But there is hope for them. Let this life, so stormy with conflicts and
worries, be brought into connection with Christ, and then self will no longer clamor for the
supremacy.” YI Nov. 10, 1886 (3BC 1161)
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Common Responses Due to Anger
1. Withdrawing/avoiding/hiding – Jonah
2. Turning inward – King Saul, David
·
Physical symptoms – headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks
·
Psychological symptoms – fear, anxiety, tension, depression
·
Thinking characterized by self-pity, thoughts of revenge, or ruminations on injustices
3. Acting out – Cain, King Saul
·
Aggression – behavior that inflicts pain or pressure upon others
1. Direct aggression
·
Blunt and forceful
·
Voice becomes increasingly louder as convictions are voiced
·
When something goes wrong, focus so sharply on fixing the problems that others’ feelings are
overlooked
2. Open aggression
·
Arises from a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs that there is a powerful
insensitivity to the needs of others
Explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blaming, bickering, criticism, or sarcasm result
3. Passive aggression
·
Anger is vented in subtle ways – gossip, forget what they promised, refuse to cooperate, make
“put downs”
1. When frustrated become silent, knowing it bothers other people
2. Prone to sulk and pout or complain about people behind their backs
3. When don’t want to do a project will procrastinate
4. Displaced anger
·
Aggressive anger aimed at somebody who is innocent
5.
·
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Suppressed anger
Characteristics
Very image conscious – don’t like to let others know problems
Even when feel very flustered, portray themselves publicly as having it all together
Reserved about sharing problems
If a family member upsets them, can let days pass without even mentioning it
Have a tendency to be depressed and moody
Resentful thinking is common
Does not eliminate anger – accrues and reduces immune function

·
Causes
1. Have been taught their feelings and emotions are invalid
2. Sometimes feel morally superior
3. Can have an overall need for approval from respectable people
4. Fear retaliation
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Christian Assertiveness
“You have needs that are important. I also have needs that are equally important.” Christian
assertiveness recognizes that everyone has needs and these needs are important. It includes
prayerfully choosing our priorities and values and putting forth efforts to meet our needs in a godly
way, being considerate of and respecting others’ needs and desires as well. It is unselfish in that
we need to recharge our batteries, so as to give to others. We do not engage in meeting our needs
in such a selfish way that we do not reach out to others.
Facing anger in a Christian way means that I recognize it as such. I am willing to explore any issue
of personal fear or sense of inferiority that underlies the anger. I confess it to Jesus and seek to
honestly deal with the anger in a responsible way including appropriate communication and
forgiveness.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Mental and Spiritual Results of Bitterness
1. Makes us doubts others’ forgiveness
2. Burns the bridge over which we will need to cross
3. “The seeds sown there in some hearts are ready to spring into life and bear a like harvest. The
tops have been cut down, but the roots have never been eradicated, and they still bear their unholy
fruit to poison the judgment, pervert the perceptions, and blind the understanding of those with
whom you connect, in regard to the message and the messengers. When, by thorough confession,
you destroy the root of bitterness, you will see light in God's light.” TM 467
Overcoming Anger God’s Way
·

Define the problem

1. Distinguish between righteous and unrighteous anger
·
A violation of a God-given right can lead to appropriate and inappropriate anger. Appropriate
anger can deteriorate into inappropriate anger if expressed in dangerous ways or when cherished.
Legitimate needs can also deteriorate into selfish demands when we are egocentric.
2. Get more information before responding
·
If a person is in a hurry or under stress, say softly to him, “I'm not sure that I understood what
you are saying. Your thoughts are important to me. Could you explain a little more?”
3. Ask the following questions:
·
What exactly is making me angry? People do have a right to form opinions.
·
Do I feel threatened or inferior by this event? Is it acceptable for me to feel so? Why does this
event make me fear the most? (Fear underlies much of anger – see 2 Tim. 1:7.) The spirit of fear is
antithetical (opposite) to the spirit of self-control.
·
Am I jumping to conclusions about the situation or person who is making me feel angry?
·
How might others, including the person who is angering me, view this situation?
·
Is there another way to look at the situation?
·
Are there things I can do to change the situation or change myself to reduce my anger?

·
“When self ceases to wrestle for the supremacy, and the heart is worked by the Holy Spirit, the
soul lies perfectly passive; and then the image of God is mirrored upon the heart.” SD 142
·

Deal actively with the anger

1. Strengthen the frontal lobe by increasing its activity
·
“Through the help that Christ can give, we shall be able to learn to bridle the
tongue.
Sorely as He was tried on the point of hasty and angry speech, He never once sinned with His lips.
With patient calmness He met the sneers, the taunts, and the ridicule of His fellow workers at the
carpenter’s bench. Instead of retorting angrily, He would begin to sing one of David’s beautiful
psalms; and His companions, before realizing what they were doing, would unite with Him in the
hymn. What a transformation would be wrought in this world if men and women today would follow
Christ’s example in the use of words!” OHC 291
2. Check your physical lifestyle – impatience and nervous excitement breed anger
·
Factors promoting impatience
1. Tea and coffee – CDF 421-2
2. Condiments – Te 57
3. Eating too often – CH 119
4. Intemperate eating
5. Too many sweet foods
6. Irregular meals or eating between meals – 2T 433
7. Being hurried – 2T 155
8. Suffering pain – 2SM 450
9. Increases with age, if not subdued – 1T 422 (many elderly have lower levels of serotonin and
compromised blood flow the frontal lobe)
10. Mother’s attitude toward child – CG 32
11. Physical inactivity – 3T 155
12. Imbalance of the nerves of emotion and motion – 3T 490
3. Beware of certain mindsets
·
Fear breeds anger – 2 Tim. 1:7
·
Pride breeds anger
·
Inferiority breeds anger – Ps. 37:7,8
·
Bitterness from childhood – Prov. 20:20
4. Physical suggestions
·
Avoid stimulants – caffeine reduces serotonin and acetylcholine (interferes with GABA
metabolism)
·
Plenty of exercise
·
Slow deep breathing
·
Catnip – 2SM 297
·
Doing good to others – 4T 56, Rom. 12
·
Warm or tepid tub bath
·
Out-of-door work (i.e. splitting wood)
·
Nature study – develops purity of heart
·
Good breakfast – serotonin production
·
Allow space for perspectives
5. Meet needs in healthy ways
6. Discount myths
·
“I don't deserve to be happy.”
·
“God should have stopped my problems.”
·
“Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat.”
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Approaching the Offender (After Confronting Personal Issues)
1.

Learn from Jesus

·
“The Lord will help every one of us where we need help the most in the grand
work of
overcoming and conquering self. Let the law of kindness be upon your
lips and the oil of grace
in your heart. This will produce wonderful results. You
will be tender, sympathetic, courteous.
You need all these graces. The Holy Spirit
must be received and brought into your character;
then it will be as holy fire,
giving forth incense which will rise up to God, not from lips that
condemn, but as
a healer of the souls of men. Your countenance will express the image of the
divine.” 2MCP 578
2. Watch your attitudes
·
“Jesus, when reviled, abused, and insulted, did not retaliate. ‘Who, when He was
reviled,
reviled not again.’ When the cruelty of man caused Him to suffer painful
stripes and wounds,
He threatened not, but committed Himself to Him who
judgeth righteously. The apostle Paul
exhorted his Philippian brethren: ‘Let this
mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who,
being in the form of God,
thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made Himself of no
reputation,
and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men.’
Is the servant greater than his master? Christ has given us His life as a pattern,
and we
dishonor Him when we become jealous of every slight, and are ready to
resent every injury,
supposed or real. It is not an evidence of a noble mind to be prepared to defend self, to preserve
our own dignity. We would better suffer wrongfully a hundred times than wound the soul by a spirit
of retaliation, or by giving vent to wrath. There is strength to be obtained of God. He can help. He
can give grace and heavenly wisdom. If you ask in faith, you will receive; but you must watch unto
prayer. Watch, pray, work, should be your watchword.” 2T 426
3. See humility as a virtue of strength and a choice
·
Voice opinions or set boundaries without condescension
·
Acknowledge others’ separate needs
·
Cultivate good listening skills
·
Don’t sulk
·
Deal with fear – “I’m afraid if I deny myself, I’ll be everyone’s doormat”
·
Humility is other focused – Phil. 2
·
When we speak assertively, it will be with the understanding that others still may opt to
disagree
·
We commit to lifelong improvement while we will never have a problem-free life
·
We see our unhealthy anger for what it is – self-destructive and harmful to others
4. Buy time if you are feeling angry
·
“When you feel an angry spirit arising, take firm hold of Jesus Christ by faith. Utter no word.
Danger lies in the utterance of a single word when you are angry, for a volley of passionate
utterances will follow.” OHC 235
5. Avoid pride or self-sufficiency – check your communication skills
·
“Sister F, if you are grieved because your neighbors or friends are doing wrong to
their own
hurt, if they are overtaken in fault, follow the Bible rule. ‘Tell him his
fault between thee and
him alone.’ As you go to the one you suppose to be in
error, see that you speak in a meek and
lowly spirit; for the wrath of man worketh
not the righteousness of God. The erring can be
restored in no other way than in the spirit of meekness, gentleness, and tender love. Be careful in
your manner. Avoid anything in look or gesture, word or tone that savors of pride or selfsufficiency. Guard yourself against a word or look that would exalt yourself, or place your goodness
and righteousness in contrast with their failings. Beware of the most distant approach to disdain,
overbearing, or contempt. With care avoid every appearance of anger; and though you use
plainness of speech, let there be no reproach, no railing accusation, no token of warmth but that of
earnest love. Above all, let there be no shadow of hate or ill will, no bitterness or sourness of
expression. Nothing but kindness and gentleness can flow from a heart of love. Yet all these
precious fruits need not hinder you from speaking in the most serious, solemn manner, as though
angels were directing their eyes upon you, and you were acting in reference to the coming
judgment.” 2T 52
6. Avoid vehemence
·
“No sharp, critical, blunt, or severe words should be spoken. This is common fire and must
be left out of all our councils and intercourse with our brethren. God
requires every soul in His
service to kindle their censers from the coals of sacred
fire.” 2MCP 578

·
Remember that by vehemence you will wound yourself. If under all circumstances you will sit
in heavenly places in Christ, your words will not be charged with bullets that wound hearts and that
may destroy life.” Lt 169, 1902 (2MCP 578)
7.

A person does not always have to confront – Pr. 15:18, 19:11

8.

Deal with any underlying fear – anger is always a secondary emotion

Chapter 6: Forgiveness
What is Forgiveness?
1. Recognition of hurt and injury and their accompanying feelings.
2. A refusal to dwell upon or nourish the injury.
3. A recognition of one’s own sinfulness and need for forgiveness. True forgiveness sees the
offended and the offender as being equally valuable (not worthy) to God.
4. A commitment to let God destroy the roots of bitterness.
5. Giving up the demands of revenge and perfect justice, without giving up accountability or
suffering consequences especially when consequences are necessary to learn to love
righteousness and hate sin.
·
“Justice and grace are attributes of God's character. Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors.” Matt. 6:12. By this He did not mean that in order to be forgiven our sins we must not
require our just dues from our debtors. COL 247
·
“Common sins, however insignificant they may be regarded, will impair moral sense, and
extinguish the inward impression of the Spirit of God. The character of the thoughts leaves its
imprint upon the soul, and all low conversation pollutes the mind. All evil works ruin to those who
commit it. God may and will forgive the repenting sinner, but though forgiven, the soul is marred;
the power of the elevated thought possible to the unimpaired mind is destroyed. Through all time
the soul bears the scars. Then let us seek for that faith which works by love and purifies the heart,
that we may represent the character of Christ to the world.” Review and Herald, Dec. 8, 1891
6. Letting God handle the ultimate consequences of another’s wrongdoing. Real forgiveness
trusts God’s justice instead of our own vengeance.
7. A refusal to allow past or present injuries to be the motivation in a stunted, suspicious manner
(this doesn’t mean sacrificing caution).
8. Makes appropriate responses to the responses of the offender.
·
Chooses to give up any obsessions regarding the wrongdoer.
1. “He will never do this to me again.”
2. “He will always owe me.”
·
Not insulting the wrongdoer.
·
Letting go of any illusions that might somehow control the wrongdoer’s life.
·
Freeing oneself to focus on rewarding relationships and pursuits.
·
Respond to their responses in a godly manner.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
What Forgiveness Is NOT
1. Superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape painful
injuries.
2. Giving up accountability.
3. Forgoing wise boundary-setting.
4. Superiority to the offender and refusing to place him in a inferior condition.
5. Reconciliation without repentance.
6. Allowing others to continue to disrespect needs and boundaries.
7. Lying down and becoming a “doormat.”
8. Telling the wrongdoer that the past is no long significant and everything is fine now.
9. Denying that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful deed.
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Steps to Forgiveness
1. Cultivate the meekness of Jesus
·
“Meekness is a fruit of the Spirit, and evidence that we are branches of the living God. The
abiding presence of meekness is unmistakable evidence that we are branches of the True Vine,

and are bearing much fruit. It is evidence that we are by faith beholding the King in his beauty and
becoming changed into his likeness. Where meekness exists, the natural tendencies are under the
control of the Holy Spirit. Meekness is not a species of cowardice. It is the spirit which Christ
manifested when suffering injury, when enduring insult and abuse. To be meek is not to surrender
our rights; but it is the preservation of self-control under provocation to give way to anger or to the
spirit of retaliation. Meekness will not allow passion to take the lines.” ST, August 22, 1895
2. Realize how ongoing bitterness will ultimately hurt you
·
“There are some things I wish to speak to you about with regard to your feelings toward
Brother A. You are in danger of feeling too strong over the supposed injuries he has done you. But
my brother, if he really did you a wrong, cannot you see that he will be the sufferer and not you? I
am sure you should act the Christian gentleman in this case and forgive him and not allow any
estrangement.” TDG 121
·
“Will my brother remember his own great indebtedness to the Lord and how much he needs
His forgiveness and His pity and love? Will he remember that . . . if you forgive not your brother his
trespasses neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your trespasses (see Matt. 6:15)?” TDG
121
·
“Will you employ your skill in doing all in your power to be in union with Brother A? Write to
him as a brother. Break down every barrier and let there be no differences between you. Love as
brethren, be pitiful, and be courteous. I prescribe for you the love of Christ to be taken in large
doses and it will work a great change for it has wonderful healing properties.” TDG 121
·
“Do you not think all heaven would look upon you with pleasure if you should open your heart
to the pitying love of Christ? Elder A will brood over this matter and so will you just as long as this
difference shall live and be cultivated between you. But let every root of bitterness be dug up and
buried.” TDG 121
·
“It is possible that you have mistaken views in regard to Elder A’s real motives. And again you
may think and talk and feel more than you should feel and you misapprehend your brother.” TDG
121
·
“Satan will be highly pleased to have you cherish an unforgiving spirit instead of drawing
together in even cords. But Jesus, who places a high value upon man, is grieved to see division
among brethren. I wish we could all be as Jesus has given us an example in His life. He came not
to destroy men’s lives but to save them. He used His powers to bless but never to hurt. His words,
His bearing, and His work were full of divine tenderness. Nothing could disturb His absolute
patience or rouse Him to vindictiveness.” Letter 46, April 22, 1887, to Dr. J. H. Kellogg (TDG 121)
3. Understand motives/motivation (your own)
·
Some people cling to bitterness because:
1. It makes them feel powerful (i.e. put-downs)
2. It gives them the excuse so that they can withdraw
·
Bitterness is a choice. By engaging in bitterness, I am letting someone else pull my emotional
strings. I can choose bitterness or concentrate more on the qualities that I do want to have in my
character.
4.

Address any fear underlying the anger (anger is a close ally to fear)

5. One key step in overcoming bitterness is to reject the value the offender placed upon us at the
time of injury
6. Consciously reject the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our
lives and replace it with God’s love – speeds forgiving and healing
7. The cross of Calvary, because it reveals God’s love and our wickedness, gives us perspective,
humility, and momentum as we struggle sometimes to forgive the perpetrator

Chapter 7: Self-Concepts
Personhood
·
“Our first duty toward God and our fellow beings is that of self-development.” CDF 15
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Self-Respect
·

How it is preserved

1. “Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not,
because of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect must
be careful not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be sacredly
observed toward the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with these apparently
unpromising ones, you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons no more promising or
attractive to do a great work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the heart, has roused every faculty to
vigorous action. The Lord saw in these rough, unhewn stones precious material, which would
stand the test of storm and heat and pressure. God does not see as man sees. He does not judge
from appearances, but searches the heart and judges righteously.” GW 122,123 (1MCP 255)
2. “Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance must be firmly and constantly
cherished. There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one indiscretion,
may jeopardize the soul by opening the door to temptation and thus weakening the power of
resistance.” 1MCP 256
3. “Never forfeit your self-respect by hasty, thoughtless words. See that your words are pure,
your conversation holy. Give your children an example of that which you wish them to be. . . . Let
there be peace, pleasant words, and cheerful countenances.” Lt 28, 1890 (CG 219)
4. “Those who are endeavoring to reform should be provided with employment. None who are
able to labor should be taught to expect food and clothing and shelter free
of cost. For
their own sake, as well as for the sake of others, some way should be devised whereby they may
return an equivalent for what they receive. Encourage every effort toward self-support. This will
strengthen self-respect and a noble independence. And occupation of mind and body in useful
work is essential as a safeguard against temptation.” MH 177 (1MCP 258)
5. “The sense of being owners of their own homes would inspire them [the poor] with a strong
desire for improvement. They would soon acquire skill in planning and devising for themselves;
their children would be educated to habits of industry and
economy, and the
intellect would be greatly strengthened. They would feel that they are men, not slaves, and would
be able to regain to a great degree their lost self-respect and moral independence.” HS 165, 166
(AH 373)
6. “It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying, ‘Lord, my burdens are too heavy
for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer, ‘I will take them. “With
everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins and will give you peace.
Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of My own blood. You are
Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin I will remove.’” Lt 2, 1914 (TM
519, 520)
7. “Jesus loves you, and He has given me a message for you. His great heart of infinite
tenderness yearns over you. He sends you the message that you may recover yourself from the
snare of the enemy. You may regain your self-respect. You may stand where you regard yourself,
not as a failure, but as a conqueror, in and through the uplifting influence of the Spirit of God. Take
hold of the hand of Christ and do not let it go.” Lt 228, 1903 (MM 43)
8. “Wherever principle is not compromised, consideration of others will lead to compliance with
accepted customs; but true courtesy requires no sacrifice of principle to conventionality. It ignores
caste. It teaches self-respect, respect for the dignity of man as man, a regard for every member of
the great human brotherhood.” Ed 240 (1MCP 255)

1. “Through indulgence in sin, self-respect is destroyed; and when that is gone, respect for others
is lessened; we think that others are as unrighteous as we are ourselves.” 6T 53
2. “By wrong habits he loses his power of self-appreciation. He loses self-control. He cannot
reason correctly about matters that concern him most closely. He is reckless and irrational in his
treatment of mind and body. By wrong habits he makes of himself a wreck. Happiness he cannot
have, for his neglect to cultivate pure, healthful principles places him under the control of habits
that ruin his peace. His years of taxing study are lost, for he has destroyed himself. He has
misused his physical and mental powers, and the temple of the body is in ruins. He is ruined for
this life and for the life to come. By acquiring earthly knowledge he thought to gain a treasure, but
by laying his Bible aside he sacrificed a treasure worth everything else.” COL 108, 109 (1MCP
257)
3. “Those who indulge in such language [impatient words] will experience shame, loss of selfrespect, loss of self-confidence, and will have bitter remorse and regret that they allowed
themselves to lose self-control and speak in this way. How much better would it be if words of this
character were never spoken. How much better to have the oil of grace in the heart, to be able to
pass by all provocation, and bear all things with Christlike meekness and forbearance.” RH, Feb
27, 1913 (MYP 327)
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Self-Reliance
·
“Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me’ (Phil. 4:13).” CC 367
·
“So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient. A wise instructor
will give special attention to the development of the weaker traits, that the child may form a wellbalanced, harmonious character.” CG 39
·
“The highest duty that devolves upon youth is in their own homes, blessing father and mother,
brothers and sisters, by affection and true interest. Here they can show self-denial and selfforgetfulness in caring and doing for others. Never will woman be degraded by this work. It is the
most sacred, elevated office that she can fill. What an influence a sister may have over brothers! If
she is right, she may determine the character of her brothers. Her prayers, her gentleness, and her
affection may do much in a household. My sister, these noble qualities can never be
communicated to other minds unless they first exist in your own. That contentment of mind, that
affection, gentleness, and sunniness of temper which will reach every heart, will reflect upon you
what your heart gives forth to others. If Christ does not reign in the heart, there will be discontent
and moral deformity. Selfishness will require of others that which we are unwilling to give them.”
MYP 326
·
“It is not a great work and great battles alone which try the soul and demand courage.
Everyday life brings its perplexities, trials, and discouragements. It is the humble work which
frequently draws upon the patience and the fortitude. Self-reliance and resolution will be necessary
to meet and conquer all difficulties. Secure the Lord to stand with you, in every place to be your
consolation and comfort.” 3T 80,81 (MYP 326)
______________________________________________________________________________
__
Dangers of Self
·
“Great self-sufficiency was manifested by Peter when he confidently declared, ‘Though I
should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee.’ Peter supposed himself to be strong, but when the
test came he discovered that he was weakness itself. He had been with Jesus and had often
obtained His help, but past grace does not avail for present needs. Daily, hourly, we must have
divine strength imparted to us. We must trust at all times in Christ, dwell upon His words till we long
to realize their fulfillment in our own case. The reason that more power does not attend the

proclamation of the truth for this time, is that there is too much reliance placed upon the ability of
man, too much trust in the talent and tact of the workers, and not enough reliance upon the arm of
Infinite Power. The gospel of truth is not preached in demonstration of the Spirit and in the power
of God. Self is ready to take the credit if any measure of success attends the work, self is flattered,
self is exalted, and the impression is not made upon minds that God is all and in all.” ST, April 7,
1890 par. 2
·
“The New Testament was not then written, therefore there was need of the greatest caution,
that the teachings of Christ might be imparted without adulteration. What a responsibility rests
upon the chosen men of God for this time; for they, too, are to train up others to succeed them in
the ministry, and they are also to see to it that self does not mingle with their work.” ST, April 7,
1890 par. 5
·
“Satan beguiles men as now he beguiled Eve in Eden, by flattery, by kindling a desire to
obtain forbidden knowledge, by exciting ambition for self-exaltation. It was cherishing these evils
that caused his fall, and through them he aims to compass the ruin of men. ‘Ye shall be as gods,’
he declares, ‘knowing good and evil’ (Genesis 3:5). Spiritualism teaches ‘that man is the creature
of progression; that it is his destiny from his birth to progress, even to eternity, toward the
Godhead,’ And again: ‘Each mind will judge itself and not another.’ ‘The judgment will be right,
because it is the judgment of self.... The throne is within you.’ Said a Spiritualistic teacher, as the
‘spiritual consciousness’ awoke within him, ‘My fellowmen, all were unfallen demigods.’ And
another declares, ‘Any just and perfect being is Christ.’ 2MCP 722
·
“How vain is the help of man when Satan’s power is exercised over a human being who has
become self-exalted and who knows not that he is partaking of the science of Satan. In his selfconfidence he walks right into the enemy’s trap and is ensnared. He did not heed the warnings
given and was taken as Satan’s prey. If he had walked humbly with God, he would have run into
the trusting place God had provided for him. Thus in times of danger he would have been safe, for
God would have lifted for him a standard against the enemy.” Lt 126, 1906 (2MCP 725)
·
“What a victory you will gain when you learn to follow the opening providences of God with a
grateful heart and a determination to live with an eye single to His glory, in sickness or health, in
abundance or want. Self is alive and quivering at every touch. Self must be crucified before you
can overcome in the name of Jesus and receive the reward of the faithful.” 4T 221 (2MCP 726)
·
“God cannot connect with those who live to please themselves, to make themselves first.
Those who do this will in the end be last of all. The sin that is most nearly hopeless and incurable
is pride of opinion, self-conceit. This stands in the way of all growth. When a man has defects of
character, yet fails of realizing this; when he is so imbued with self-sufficiency that he cannot see
his fault, how can he be cleansed? ‘They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick’
(Matthew 9:12). How can one improve when he thinks his ways perfect?” 7T 199, 200 (2MCP 726)
·
“Those who think that they can receive the blessing of God at this meeting [a council meeting
in Michigan] without humiliation of self will go away just as they came. They will have as much
perplexity as they had before. But, brethren and sisters, we cannot afford this. Let us humble our
hearts before God. Let us allow Christ to anoint our eyes with the heavenly eyesalve that we may
see. We do not want to be blind; we want to see everything distinctly. We do not want to be
marching one day toward Canaan, and the next day back to Egypt, and the next day toward
Canaan, and then back to Egypt again. Day by day we are to march steadily forward. It makes my
heart ache, it fills me with the keenest sorrow, to think of the precious blessings we are losing
because we are so far behind the light.” MS 56, 1904. (2MCP 727)
·
“To know oneself is great knowledge. True self-knowledge leads to a humility that will open
the way for the Lord to develop the mind and mold and discipline the character.” CT 419 (2MCP
727)
·
“’He that saith he abideth in Him ought himself also so to walk, even as He walked’ (1 John
2:6). ‘Now if any man have not the spirit of Christ, he is none of His’ (Romans 8:9). This conformity
to Jesus will not be unobserved by the world. It is a subject of notice and comment. The Christian
may not be conscious of the great change, for the more closely he resembles Christ in character,
the more humble will be his opinion of himself; but it will be seen and felt by all around him.” 2MCP
727
·
“Those who have had the deepest experience in the things of God are the farthest removed
from pride or self-exaltation. They have the humblest thoughts of self and the most exalted

conceptions of the glory and excellence of Christ. They feel that the lowest place in His service is
too honorable for them.” 5T 223 (2MCP 728)
·
“Wrongs cannot be righted, nor can reformations in conduct be made by a few feeble,
intermittent efforts. Character building is the work, not of a day, nor of a year, but of a lifetime. The
struggle for conquest over self, for holiness and heaven, is a lifelong struggle. Without continual
effort and constant activity, there can be no advancement in the divine life, no attainment of the
victor’s crown.” MH 452 (2MCP 728)
·
“Let not self wax to great proportions lest the whole man be defiled. One leak will sink a ship,
and one flaw break a chain; so there may be some hereditary or cultivated trait of character that
will work in the heart and develop into words that will make an impression for evil which will never
be effaced. We are all building for eternity. Let the character have the impress of the divine in pure,
noble utterances, in upright deeds. Then the whole universe of heaven will behold and say, Well
done, good and faithful servant.” Lt 91, 1899 (2MCP 728)
·
“If we keep uppermost in our minds the unkind and unjust acts of others, we shall find it
impossible to love them as Christ has loved us; but if our thoughts dwell upon the wondrous love
and pity of Christ for us, the same spirit will flow out to others. We should love and respect one
another, notwithstanding the faults and imperfections that we cannot help seeing. Humility and selfdistrust should be cultivated, and a patient tenderness with the faults of others. This will kill out all
narrowing selfishness and make us largehearted and generous.” SC 121 (2MCP 635)

Chapter 8: The Laws of the Mind
1. By Beholding We Become Changed
·
How the mind changes! – Cor. 3:18
·
“It is a law both of the intellectual and the spiritual nature that by beholding we become
changed. The mind gradually adapts itself to the subjects upon which it is allowed to dwell. It
becomes assimilated to that which it is accustomed to love and reverence. Man will never rise
higher than his standard of purity or goodness or truth.” GC 555
2. Adaptation of the Mind
·
“It is the law of the mind that it will narrow or expand to the dimensions of the things with which
it becomes familiar. The mental powers will surely become contracted and will lose their ability to
grasp the deep meanings of the word of God unless they are put vigorously and persistently to the
task of searching for truth. The mind will enlarge if it is employed in tracing out the relation of the
subjects of the Bible to one another, comparing scripture with scripture, and spiritual things with
spiritual.” CT 460-1 (FE 127)
3. Effort Counts
·
“For the mind and the soul, as well as for the body, it is God’s law that strength is acquired by
effort. It is exercise that develops. In harmony with this law, God has provided in His word the
means for mental and spiritual development.” Ed 123
·
“God saves us under a law, that we must ask if we would receive, seek if we would find, and
knock if we would have the door open unto us.” 1SM 377
·
“Action is a law of our being.” MH 237
·
“It is God’s law that strength is acquired by effort.” Ed 123
·
“The mind strengthens under the correct treatment of the physical and the mental powers. If
the strain is not too great, it acquires new vigor with taxation.” 7T 199
·
Strength is gained in proportional to effort put forth. The mind, like a muscle, will strengthen
and expand by exercise. Likewise it will weaken and atrophy with disuse.
4.
·

Temperance
“The law of temperance must control the life of every Christian.” CH 101

5. Something Better
·
“Something better is the watchword of education, the law of all true living.” Ed. 296
·
“Overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
·
The tension of becoming is the tension which exists between our potential and the current
expression of that tension; in other words, the difference between what we are and what we have
the potential to become. This tension gives incentive to move, to grow. Or if we ignore it, we have
doubt, guilt, and depression.
6. Avoiding Neglect
·
“It is duty to so educate the mind as to bring out the energies of the soul and develop every
faculty. When all the faculties are in exercise, the intellect will be strengthened, and the purpose for
which they were given will be accomplished.” 3T 32
·
“Many are not doing the greatest amount of good because they exercise the intellect in one
direction to the neglect to give careful attention to those things for which they think they are not
adapted. Some faculties that are weak are thus allowed to lie dormant because the work that
should call them into exercise, and consequently give them strength, is not pleasant. All the
powers of the mind should be exercised, all the faculties cultivated. Perception, judgment, memory,
and all the reasoning powers should have equal strength in order that minds may be well
balanced.” 3T 32
·
“If certain faculties are used to neglect of others, the design of God is not fully carried out in
us; for all the faculties have a bearing and are dependent, in a great measure, upon one another”
3T 33

·
“It is agreeable, but not most profitable, to exercise those faculties of the mind which are
naturally the strongest, while we neglect those that are weak, but which need to be strengthened.”
MCP 442
7. The Power of Words Reacting Upon Us
·
“It is a law of nature that our thoughts and feelings are encouraged and strengthened as we
give them utterance.” MH 251
·
“The words are an indication of that which is in the heart. ‘Out of the abundance of the heart
the mouth speaketh.’ But the words are more than an indication of character; they have power to
react on the character. Men are influenced by their own words.” DA 323
·
“It is the little attentions, the numerous small incidents and simple courtesies of life, that make
up the sum of life’s happiness; and it is the neglect of kindly, encouraging, affectionate words, and
the little courtesies of life, which helps compose the sum of life’s wretchedness. It will be found at
last that the denial of self for the good and happiness of those around us constitutes a large share
of the life record in heaven. And the fact will also be revealed that the care of self, irrespective of
the good and happiness of others, is not beneath the notice of our heavenly Father.” 2T 133
·
Practical application: When I am tempted to think or speak critically, I will say to myself, “I
choose not be to critical. I will look for something to express positive about that person.”
8. What We Give Will Return to Us
·
“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be
measured to you.” Matt. 7:2
·
“A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man’s hand will
return to him.” Prov. 12:14
·
“As you have done, it will be done to you. Your dealings will return on your own head.” Obad.
15
·
“Are you rendering Me a recompense? But if you do recompense Me, swiftly and speedily I will
return your recompense on your head.” Joel 3:4-8
·
“According to their conduct I shall deal with them, and by their judgments I shall judge them.
And they will know that I am the Lord.” Eze. 7:27
·
“He who curses his father or his mother, his lamp will go out in time of darkness… Do not say,
‘I will repay evil:’ wait for the Lord and He will save you.” Prov. 20:20,22
9. Balance
·
True education means more than the perusal of a certain course of study. It means more than
a preparation for the life that now is. It has to do with the whole being, and with the whole period of
existence possible to man. It is the harmonious development of the physical, the mental, and the
spiritual powers.” Ed 13
·
For optimal performance and health, each component needs to be exercised in balance with
the others rather than the emphasis being placed on one or two to the exclusion or neglect of
others.
·
Harmony in the activity of all four components results in the enhancement or enrichment of
each component.
·
A detrimental effect or neglect of one component results in a reciprocal effect on the others.
10. Order
·
“Order is heaven’s first law.” 2SM 226
11. Action and Reaction
·
“Divine wisdom has appointed in the plan of salvation the law of action and reaction, making
the work of beneficence, in all its branches, twice blessed. He that gives to the needy blesses
others, and is blessed himself in a still greater degree.” WM 301
12. Denial
·
“It is an important law of the mind… one which should not be overlooked… that when a
desired object is so firmly denied as to remove all hope, the mind will soon cease to long for it. And
will be occupied in other pursuits.” MCP 419

·
Practical applications: discipline, breaking bad habits, discouragement (“Hope deferred
maketh the heart sick” Prov. 13:12)
13. Kindness and Self-Sacrifice
·
“Let the law of kindness be on your lips.” MB 98
·
“Unselfishness underlies all true development.” CT 32 (Isa. 58:6-12)
·
“The law of self-sacrifice is the law of self preservation.” COL 86
·
“The law of self-renouncing love is the law of life for earth and heaven.” DA 20
14. Mutual Dependence
·
“The law of reciprocal dependence and influence is to be recognized and obeyed.” 6T 242
·
“None of us liveth to himself. This is the law of God in heaven and on earth.” 4T 56

Based on Mima Burghers’, A Life in Harmoney, 311 SE 4th St., College Place, WA; 1985

APPENDIX A
THE POWER OF THOUGHTS
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7
Ellen G. White, a world-recognized educator and keen observer of human nature, wrote, “If the
thoughts are wrong, the feelings will be wrong, and thoughts and feelings combined make up the
moral character” (5T 310). Thoughts precede feelings. The way we think, affects the way we feel.
Solomon observed, “For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). This is
especially true for the individual suffering from depression. Distorted, faulty thinking patterns
underlie all forms of depression. Although physical contributions to depression should be
addressed, unless the individual recognizes his or her faulty thinking patterns and replaces them
with healthy ones, he or she will never fully or permanently recover from depression.
In the 1900s, cognitive psychologists such as Dr. Aaron Beck identified several automatic,
distorted thought patterns which contributed substantially to depression and other mental diseases.
However, long before science recognized these relationships, God, in His Word, revealed that
distorted thinking can result in significant mental distress. Studies show that when a depressed or
anxious individual identifies faulty thought patterns and replaces them with healthier ones, he or
she usually makes significant progress. Mental health and relationships improve, and the individual
become more effective in helping others who may be struggling with similar difficulties.
Faulty Thought Patterns
1.

Mental or Selective Filtering

·
An individual focuses so much on one aspect of a situation that he cannot see any other
aspects. For example, a wife is so upset at her husband for never washing the dishes that she
becomes resentful and angry. She is unable to consider that he clears and wipes the table and has
very little time to help before needing to be back at work.
·
When the flaws of those around us tempt us to become irritated and angry, what a difference
our attitude in dealing with them would be if we stopped to consider their positive traits of character
and looked for blessings amid their shortcomings.
·
God counsels us that "we need not keep our own record of trials, difficulties, grief, and
sorrows. All these things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are
counting up disagreeable things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from
memory” (MH 487).
2.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

·
Fuels anger, anxiety, and depression. Everything is seen as extremes, with no middle ground.
Some students think, “If I don’t make an ‘A’ on this exam, I fail.” Young singles might be tempted to
think, “I won’t be successful unless I find a mate.” Advertisers say, “You won’t be happy until you
have this new product.”
·
The biographies of Saul and the prophet Jonah reveal many of the common, distorted thought
patterns we are plagued with today. King Saul engaged in all-or-nothing thinking when he tried to
kill David assuming that, “I must be the most popular man in the kingdom or I will lose my
authority.”
·
All-or-nothing thinking leads us to stereotype people of different races and creeds and
instigate prejudice. For example, the disciples were upset because others than themselves were
working miracles (Mark 9:38). This can lead to a rigidity that can cripple God’s work. We may think
our way is the most efficient, the most cost-effective, and the only logical option. But we must allow
others to grow and experiment within the safeguards of God’s principles so that all-or-nothing
thinking does not limit God’s respect for individuality and human choice.

·
The prophet Jonah sulked in an all-or-nothing mode, “Lord, you should have sent down fire on
the Ninevites. You didn’t keep Your word. Now, they will regard me as a false prophet!” Jonah
didn’t think the Ninevites would believe him to be a true prophet and turn from their sins to grasp
the mercy of God. All-or-nothing thinking doesn’t consider that people indeed can learn from
mistakes, especially when the Holy Spirit is their tutor.
3.

Disqualifying the Positive

·
A cook receives the compliment, “My, this food is delicious!” The cook mumbles, “Oh, it didn’t
turn out like I expected.” When we graciously receive a compliment, it is possible that we could be
spreading God's love even more than if we dismissed it.
·
Devaluing God’s love can promote depression. “Sure, God is love. But He really doesn’t love
me all that much. I’ve wasted my life and have made so many mistakes.” But God does love you or
else He wouldn’t have sent his Son on such an expensive errand to redeem you (see Desire of
Ages, p. 668).
4.

Attempted Mind Reading

·
You wave at a friend, receive no acknowledgment, and think, “I’m being avoided!” One day I
was having a wonderful morning when my boss said to me very seriously, “I need to see you in my
office tomorrow.” My heart sank and waves of depression suddenly rolled over me. I prayed, “Lord,
I feel so depressed and anxious. Help! I don’t have funds to see my counselors, and my friends are
away.” He asked, “What are you depressed about?” I replied, “I’m afraid that my boss is upset
because students have been complaining about my classes, or maybe my hours are going to be
cut.” I then realized that I was “mind reading,” and that my boss probably wanted to talk to me
because he would be absent for six weeks. My depression suddenly vanished (and I soon found
that my worries had been unfounded).
·
Saul practiced “mind reading” when he thought David would usurp him of his power and
become king. Ellen White states that Judas thought Jesus would not allow Himself to be killed, but
when forced by circumstances, would deliver Himself. (see Desire of Ages, p. 720)
Faulty thinking patterns not only trigger depression and anger but can also lead to spiritual decline
which may reach into eternity. Instead of allowing these thoughts to manipulate our lives and
emotions, may our prayer be like David’s: “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and
know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”
(Psalms 139:23, 24). Jesus promises that “every plant, which My heavenly Father hath not planted,
shall be rooted up” (Matthew 15:13).

APPENDIX B

THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEDICINE
“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”
Proverbs 17:22
Optimism for Health
A cheerful heart includes realistic optimism. When you see a glass half full of water, do you think
“half full” or “half empty”? When you are overlooked for a long-desired promotion, do you submit to
thinking, “I’ll never make it,” or do you see the brighter perspective: More time to spend with your
family, opportunities to develop other interests.
Optimism leads to a hardiness that prolongs health. The universities of Helsinki and Turku along
with the University College of London did a large observational study assessing the protective
effects of an optimistic outlook on health. They found that individuals who scored high on optimism
questionnaires reported fewer sick days after a major life event (severe illness or death of a
spouse or family member) and recovered more quickly than those who scored low on optimism. In
other words, they found that optimism can assist in coping with major negative life events more
successfully. (Health Psychology. 2005 Jul; 24(4): 413-21)
What other benefits does optimism offer? A Dutch study consisting of 900 individuals, ages 65-85,
showed that those who reported high levels of optimism had 55% less risk of dying from all causes
and 23% less risk of cardiovascular death than those who reported high levels of pessimism. In
another study the University of Pittsburgh sought to ascertain the affects of life orientation on the
development of arteriosclerosis in the carotid arteries of middle-age women. They performed
carotid scans on 209 premenopausal women. Then, when the women were at least 5 years
postmenopausal, the university obtained a second scan. The results showed that optimistic women
had significantly less progression of atherosclerosis than pessimistic women.
Pessimism also reduces the efficiency of the immune system. Conversely, optimism improves the
ability of natural killer cells to destroy viruses and cancer cells and other parameters of the immune
system.
Compared to pessimists, optimists seem to engage in healthier habits. A Finish study involving
individuals 31 years old showed that men and women who scored in the highest quartile for
optimism ate salads, vegetables, berries, and fruits more often than those who were in the lowest
quartile. Pessimistic thinkers also ate less fiber and consumed more alcohol. Studies also show
that optimistic individuals report a higher quality of life, engage in more active coping, and adopt
more health-promoting behaviors than individuals who score low in optimism or are pessimistic.
Other studies show that a high level of pessimism signals an increased risk for depression and
poor health in care givers.
It has been shown quite clearly that whether one is young, middle aged, or older, optimism
improves health, and pessimism weakens it.

Steps to Developing Optimism

1. Cultivate gratitude and appreciation for what you have. Short of funds? You may still be better
off financially than millions of others living in the poverty of poorer countries. Didn’t get the
promotion you wanted? You may be thankful that you’ll be saved the headaches that accompany
additional responsibility, and you’ll likely have more time to pursue your personal interests. If you
tend to be pessimistic, write down ten items, events, persons, or experiences that you are thankful
for each day.
2. Verbalize your blessings and gratitude. “Expression deepens impression” is a basic law of the
mind.
3. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Pessimistic thinkers emphasize the negative
events in their lives and devalue the positive ones. Instead of enjoying what they have actually
accomplished, they are frustrated with all that is yet to be done. They pass over the lovely wild
flowers and concentrate on the weeds and briers. A wife might fume because her husband didn’t
clean the sink after he washed the dishes. But it would do wonders for their relationship if she
thanked him for what he did do. She might fume that her casserole dish didn’t turned out perfectly
instead of enjoying the company of her guests. This type of thinking, called selective filtering,
contributes to pessimism. The cure for this detrimental thinking is a changed focus. While
acknowledging the negatives of a situation, emphasize the positives. For every minute indulged in
fretting and fuming, spend five minutes exploring the positive aspects of the situation.
4. Check your diet. Too much sugar or refined foods can cause a rapid rise and drop of blood
sugar which can contribute to cognitive impairment. Long-term use of caffeine can deplete
serotonin (a neurotransmitter that contributes to positive outlook) and norepinephrine (a natural
antidepressant in the brain). Studies show caffeine can also lower the threshold for irritability,
discontent, and anger.
5. Pessimism is often rooted in anxiety and depression. Studies show that six weeks of daily
aerobic exercise, especially in the sunshine, significantly reduces anxiety. The exercise and
sunshine improve serotonin production, a brain chemical that promotes self-control and positive
outlook. If anxiety and depression persist, see your health care professional, but develop a healthy
sense of humor and practice these tips.
A Healthy Laugh
A wholesome sense of humor is not only beneficial, but can also be used as a witnessing tool.
“Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing; then said they among the
heathen, The Lord has done great things for them” (Ps. 126:2). Perhaps if we had more “holy
chuckles” God’s people would be more convincing to the unbelievers of His goodness. Laughter
increases the number and efficiency of natural killers cells and T-lymphocytes (special white blood
cells that destroy viruses and cancer cells), increasing the number of antibodies. Laughter, indeed,
revitalizes the immune system. But that is not all. Laughter improves the ability of the blood vessels
to dilate and reduces stress hormones like epinephrine and cortisol. Studies also show that humor,
when used with sensitivity, can build bridges between patients and caregivers.

Wisdom and balance when dealing with humor are extremely important. The typical comedies
offered by Hollywood devalue the role of fathers (“Everyone loves Raymond”), women, families
(“Desperate Housewives”), and edify none. Rather, they deify the devil’s attributes. Programs such
as these should be avoided at all costs. However, genuinely amusing experiences occur in life and
a sense of humor can balance life’s stresses. When I was learning to make mayonnaise and
inadvertently added active yeast instead of yeast flakes, I could have become frustrated and upset
as I watched the white concoction come pouring out of it’s jar all over the refrigerator, or I could
have laughed as I cleaned up the mess realizing that I would never make that mistake again.
Meekness: The Garment of Praise

Meekness is another essential component of a cheerful heart. Ellen White in Testimonies Volume
3, p. 335 expressed it this way: “Meekness is a precious grace, willing to endure trials. Meekness
is patient and labors to be happy under all circumstances. Meekness is always thankful and makes
its own song of happiness. Make melody in the heart to God…Meekness is not silent and sulky. A
morose temper is the opposite of meekness; for this only wounds and gives pain to others, and
takes no pleasure to itself.”
During my experience working at a hospital, I became friends with an attractive-looking and
talented patient who struggled with depression. One of the symptoms of her depression was the
inability to make decisions. Every day she would ask me what I thought she should wear. After the
fifth day of being questioned, a promise in Isaiah came to my mind and I responded with a quiet
voice and warm smile, “How about trying the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness?” My
recommendation elicited a warm smile and I hoped would achieve a similar change of outlook.
If you are optimistic, continue to spread your sunbeams in encouraging words. If you find that you
are pessimistic about present circumstances and future prospects, don’t be afraid to venture upon
God’s goodness. His garment of praise is not at all like the invisible covering of the naked emperor
(who proudly paraded around in a specially tailored suit, or so he thought!). Today we have the
opportunity to replace negative thoughts and attitudes with positive ones. We must either choose
the garment of praise or the spirit of heaviness. Why not choose a rejoicing heart ruled and fueled
by divine power? Rest and healing will be your reward if you will receive that “merry heart that
doeth good”—even better than a medicine.

APPENDIX C
OVERCOMING ANXIETY
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known unto God.” Philippians 4:6
Uncontrolled anxiety robs the health. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder tend to have
elevated LDL-cholesterol levels, elevated blood fats, and a decrease of the beneficial HDL, all of
which contribute to blood vessel disease. (1) Sustained or chronic anxiety is associated with a
significant increase in thickness of the innermost and middle layers of the common carotid arteries
– arteries important in nourishing the brain. (2) This thickening is usually caused by build up of
cholesterol-containing material. In fact, chronic high levels of anxiety could accelerate the
development of atherosclerosis in these important arteries. Those with anxiety disorders have high
pro-inflammatory markers. This is important because inflammation fuels chronic diseases.
Anxiety pales the stomach mucosa (lining) by causing the tiny blood vessels leading to the
stomach to constrict. This interferes with optimal function and can set the stage for ulcers. Stress
slows the emptying of the contents of the stomach. Studies on rodents suggest that rats genetically
predisposed to anxiety have hypersensitive abdominal organs, especially the colon. (3) High levels
of anxiety also reduce the efficiency of the immune system. (4)
Dealing with Anxiety
By understanding what contributes to anxiety, we can gain an upper hand in overcoming it.
1. Distorted Thinking Patterns
In selective filtering, an individual usually focuses so heavily on one or more negative matters, that
he/she cannot see the positive. “My husband never really communicates with me.” “Only rarely
does he tell me he loves me.” “My marriage is not a really good marriage.” His spouse might
overlook the fact that he has held down a steady job for 20 years, faithfully pays the bills, changes
the oil in her car, takes an interest in the children’s extracurricular activities, attends church
regularly with the family, and occasionally take her out on holidays. Selective filtering leads to
discontent and anger because our hurts are taken out of context of the greater blessings.
Individuals with all-or-none thinking have unrealistic goals because they tend to see everything in
absolutes. There are no in-betweens. Either red or blue. No pastels. No pinks or lilacs. They either
fail or succeed. “I feel crummy. I didn’t make my usual ‘A’. This ‘B’ makes me feel like I have
failed.” This mode of thinking discounts the fact that we learn from our mistakes and failures.
Since it strikes God’s grace in the face, it can lead us to become intolerant of others’ shortcomings
and sink us into shame with our own ineptness. Our can relationships deteriorate because we
become either impatient with others or absorbed in pursuing unrealistic perfection to the neglect of
significant relationships. Unrealistic goals cause intemperate living. Intemperate living erodes our
personal peace and the peace of our families. In all-or-none thinking, all mistakes or conflicts are
seen as inherently evil, instead of means from which we learn. This can produce anxiety whether
we admit it or not.
Mind-reading is another faulty thinking pattern which produces anxiety. In mind-reading, a person
is sure he knows what another person thinks. “She didn’t smile at me. She must be mad at me
although I don’t know why.” This fails to realize other reasons for her actions. Jean was a
persevering middle-aged lady who had struggled with anxiety and depression for many years. One
day her boss approached her quite seriously. “I want to see you in my office tomorrow!” No smile.
Not his usual upbeat self. The week had gone quite well for Jean. Suddenly she found herself
spiraling down into a severe, anxious depression. She prayed. The question came to her mind,
“What were you thinking before you got depressed? What is the problem? There must be a

problem with me. Was the staff unhappy with my performance? The rug is going to be pulled out
from under my feet.” Then she realized that she was mind-reading. She really didn’t know what her
boss wanted. “Perhaps he wants to tie up loose ends, before going on a six-week business trip,”
she though. That ended up being exactly the case.
Overgeneralization is assuming that bad events will happen over and over or that things are
always going to follow a certain pattern. This will also produce anxiety. A person who was fired
from his job once can relive that trauma every time his boss wants to see him. “I lost my job once
before. I will probably lose this one.”
Should thinking is setting arbitrary requirements without considering consequences. “I should be
able to rear two children alone, climb the corporate ladder, take continuing education classes, work
out at the ‘Y’ three times a week, and keep a spotless home. Many single workers have done this,
so should I.” Not considering the consequences of the whirlwind of either physical or mental activity
accrues anxiety and eventually can leave us feeling bankrupt. Establishing realistic goals, and
evaluating costs and consequences of personal action makes us wiser and better able to prevent
or handle anxiety.
One of the pivotal steps in overcoming anxiety is to recognize the faulty thinking patterns that
contribute to it. (5) Many professional or pastoral counselors can be of assistance. Since
expression of our anxiety can deepen its impression on the mind, it would be wise to voice our
anxiety only to those who know how to help us. The psalmist suggests that it is always appropriate
to convey our anxieties, fear, and anger to God. Many times faith in a loving God can reduce the
impact of stress.
2. Threat of Loss
Fear of loss reinforces anxiety. In order to overcome anxiety, we need to admit its underlying fears.
Conscious loss of a loved one, a physical capability, or a job, often reinforces anxiety and
underlying depression. Fear of losing someone or something valuable to us can propel us into the
throes of a frenzied anxiety. When this happens to me, I find it helpful to realize that in some ways I
was happy before I even had the desired relationship or object. Teaching, for example, is very dear
to me. Sometimes I have nightmares about losing my job or the capacity to teach. Objectively
however, I realize that I was just as happy, even somewhat more happy, when I was working as a
patient-care worker. I would be sad for a little while if I didn’t teach, but there are other jobs, just as
meaningful, that I could do that would give me a sense of satisfaction.
Sometimes we have suffered losses of which we are unaware. We hadn’t missed them until it
came to our attention that they were gone. These losses can drag us into shame and
embarrassment, pushing us off-balance into insecurity. Insecurity comes in so many garbs that it is
not always easy to discern. These may be especially painful when love and esteem have finally
been achieved – and then we lose them to some degree. What can we do when this happens?
It is truly humbling to write regarding these experiences of pain. Perhaps you have suffered more
than I have. I hope not. But some readers of this article have. I discovered a helpful suggestion one
night when I was feeling especially anxious. I considered each of my major losses, and to my
amazement, for every loss I was able to realize a definite gain.
There was the loss, from a cruel mental disease, of my mother’s loving care. After spending much
time and money working through issues related to this, I can see that I am much more sympathetic
and insightful than I would have been without this experience. Then there was my indifferent dad.
Years later, when he died, he left a small inheritance – enough to pay for a couple of years of
much needed counseling. A speech impediment and a form of audible dyslexia have limited me
some, but I certainly have taught foreigners how to read standard English. Their mistakes mirrored
my mistakes well. My speech therapy, it seemed, helped more people than just myself.
Fortunately, I work for an institution, which has given me room to grow professionally. Bounced
from a job, I got another job in a rural elementary school in which I learned much that helped me in

character development and professional growth. Several years later, I lost a class I enjoyed
teaching. I was determined to make the best of it. I was given a more advanced class, and the
research I did for that class made me a much more persuasive teacher in the classes I currently
teach. The list of my gains by losses could continue for another page.
We can confront the underlying fear of future loss by taking time to review how God has
transformed the past losses into some kind of gain. If we can’t see this in our own upheavals, we
can listen to people who have. We can read inspiring biographies of those who triumphed over
losses. Study the Scriptures that show how God turned defeat into victory.
I remember hearing newscaster Maria Shriver give an inspirational graduation talk. She had taken
a certain stand on an important issue in one of the major news networks. She feared that it would
cost her job. It did. The experience has proved valuable to her, for she has known ever since, that
she made the right decision and she will never have to struggle with that same kind of fear again.
She learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the going on in spite of fear. Peace of
mind doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of conflict or loss, but the consciousness of right doing
and the eventual triumph of good in the face of adversity.
Integrity Counts
Missing links in our integrity create anxiety. Integrity to principle underlies all true development. (6)
I like to define integrity as the harmonious movement of the intellect, the will, and the emotions,
into the will and purposes of God. To the extent that this happens, we have happiness and good
mental health.
Character has a number of different aspects – the will, emotions, personal relationships, the
intellect, and our physical being. Usually, one or more of these lags behind the others, and this
character imbalance fosters anxiety. We know we should do differently, but somehow we don’t.
The stunted area(s) in our lives produce anxiety. Sometimes it is sitting on a fence in the valley of
decision. At other times deeper, unresolved psychological and spiritual issues confront the soul.
Sometimes God allows disturbing thoughts to come to us, to prompt us to deliberately choose to
eliminate contaminating influences that erode character and contribute so much to anxiety. By
acknowledging our weaknesses and working through character-dwarfing pain, we can eventually
learn to make decisions that are true to our chosen values, and using our talents in harmony with
them, we can avoid anxiety-producing guilt. (7)
Anxiety can also come from our subconscious past. A toddler is happily picking pink flowers.
Suddenly, buzz, buzz, buzz. Welts appear all over her body, and she struggles to gain her breath.
Twenty years pass. She has been happily married. It is her anniversary. She is looking forward to
her husband’s return. He usually brings her such interesting gifts. But when she receives pink
flowers she feels utterly disappointed. Her mind seems to become vacant, then apprehensive. But
– sudden recognition and a flash of insight – no, these are not the same flowers as those of her
previous encounter. Although the shape is different, the color is the same and the size of the petals
are similar to those she picked when she was so severely stung as a youngster. She can’t seem to
disassociate the insect stings of the past from the pink flowers of her anniversary gift because her
mind is working on an unconscious level.
It is helpful to recognize the connections of past events to our current anxieties and to realize that
conditions are different. We aren’t in the same environment. We are more mature in taking care of
our own needs, and making necessary provision to protect ourselves. In the previous scenario, that
would be keeping self-injectable epinephrine handy to counteract anaphylactic shock when bees
and hornets are out.
Core Beliefs and Priorities that Contribute to Anxiety
Self-absorption is another cause of anxiety. We must certainly attend to our needs. But when my
job, my health, and my goals threaten to engulf me, I need to escape this tunnel vision. The

remedy for this kind of anxiety is to become involved with meeting the needs of other people and,
with them, to develop a realization of the value of ministry and a habitual attitude of ministry.
Perhaps you are not well yourself. Even flashing a smile, expressing genuine gratitude, or offering
a sincere prayer makes this world a better place for someone.
Sometimes having too many things to do triggers apprehension and worry. What to do if this is the
case? Check your motives. Psychologists have identified three basic core beliefs or motivations
that produce anger, anxiety, or depression.
Conformity core beliefs lead us to try to please others to the extent that we don’t take enough time
to protect our health – physical, mental, and spiritual. This conflict easily creates anxiety.
With performance core beliefs we think that perfection in every single little thing we do is required.
I was living in a small dorm with the dean and her family. Our dean was a tough but loving lady.
She had escaped Nazi Germany when she was only three or four years old. She tells the story of
how her foot was painfully inflamed with osteomalacia which made it very difficult for her to walk.
Her mother had pointed to the corpses surrounding them and said, “Do you want to be like these?
Don’t walk then! You must walk to keep alive.” Years later, happily married with two young
children, this enterprising dean would garden, can food, keep an immaculate home and supervise
her young ladies well. However, she would end up with a migraine headache every Sabbath after
working all day Friday preparing a delicious Sabbath meal and laboring to make homemade wheat
rolls. Finally I said, “Molly, you don’t have to make the rolls every Friday. Take it easy. Cook
simply.” But no, to her, rolls on Sabbath was a family tradition and could not be broken. Eventually
she did learn to relax and rest although it took major set backs for her to learn this essential lesson.
We do want to do our work as carefully and thoroughly as possible, but we fatigue ourselves too
often by thinking the niceties of life are absolutely essential. We let our work define us, and drain
our strength, when, really, our character and priorities should define our work and promote health.
Or perhaps we are suspicious and competitive. “If I don’t take this opportunity, I will lose it and Jim
will get ahead of me.” So we add an extra load. Maybe we climb another rung in the corporate
ladder at the expense of our health, our relationships, and eventually our peace of mind. Such are
the results of controlling core attitudes. Our distorted concepts of our mission can obstruct our
interpretation of who we are.
Identify your major long-term roles, and then from these goals, derive specific, immediate goals. If
you are overwhelmed with too many tasks or responsibilities, eliminate or delegate responsibility
for goals that do not contribute to healthful fulfillment of your mission. Remember to re-evaluate
periodically to maintain realistic goals.
Suggestions for Dealing with Anxiety
1. Physical Lifestyle Habits
View only the positive, the true, and the noble on television. Much of what is shown on TV
stimulates the adrenal glands to release stress hormones that aggravate and perpetuate anxiety.
We deliberately choose to lower our threshold to anxiety by watching violent programs or movies,
and living the action vicariously.
Eliminate caffeine. Caffeine magnifies the effects of adrenal stress hormones and messes up an
important brain chemical, GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid). This chemical helps us to focus and
remain calm during stress. Caffeine can be a contributing factor in post-traumatic stress syndrome.
It lowers the threshold to anger and decreases the level of contentment. Caffeine is bad news
indeed for anxiety control.
Physical exercise helps. Twenty minutes of continuous walking (done for 10 weeks) improves
anxiety. (9) Physical exercise is linked to good health. Physical fitness can buffer against the
harmful effects of mental stress. In the elderly, exercise improves the quality of sleep, and the

perception of personal control and self-efficacy. It helps control an inherited tendency to anxiety
and also increases contentment.
Physical problems like overactive thyroid activity, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart
failure, heart valve prolapse, vitamin B12 deficiency, withdrawal of certain drugs, and other
problems could be the source of anxiety and should be ruled out by a competent physician and
appropriate testing.
2. Abiding Trust in God
Trust in Divine Providence reduces anxiety. Juanita was a dynamic, active church member and a
mother of three active teenagers. Many years ago she had been involved in a car accident and
suffered such serious headaches she feared she was losing her sanity. One doctor after another
could offer her no cure for such terrible pain. (This was in the mid-20th century, before CAT scans
were available.) She feared long-term institutionalization. “Who will take care of my precious
children? My husband is gone so often because of his job. I must do something or I will lose my
mind.” As a Christian, she decided she must break down the pain in her life into five-minute
intervals. The end of each five minutes was punctuated by a short prayer. She remembered that
the highest mountain is conquered step by step.

This step-by-step approach, reinforced by faith in God, accomplished what no other therapy had.
Slowly she improved until one day she realized she had no more headaches. Her experience led
her to venture out on a faith ministry that helped her reach some of the unfortunate people in New
York City. Many times there were no funds and sometimes vehicles necessary for her ministry
broke down, but she never indulged in anxiety or complaining. God always in some unpredictable
way provided.
Anxiety can nullify the benefits of our faith, but it doesn’t necessarily. Anxiety signals something is
wrong. Perhaps it signals a physical disease, a distorted thought pattern, a misplaced priority, or a
psuedo-god. If anxiety is honestly acknowledged, its causes ascertained and sufficiently
recognized, we actually can become stronger in our faith. As the psalmist, states “What time I am
afraid, I will trust in Thee.” Ps. 56:3
You, too, by understanding some causes of anxiety, making the suggested changes in thinking and
behavior patterns, and instigating the positive measures we have discussed, can overcome
anxiety. And this can be done in a way that builds a balanced, trusting, cheerful, helpful character
and personality – a whole, sound person – spiritually, socially, mentally, physically.
REFERENCES
1. Sevincok, L. et al., Serum lipid concentrations in patients with comorbid generalized anxiety
disorder and major depressive disorder. Can J Psychiatry, 46(1):68-71, 2001, abs.
2. Paterniti, S., et al., Sustained anxiety and 4-year progression of carotid atherosclerosis.
Arterioscler Thromb Vasc Biol, 2191):136-41, 2001, abs.
3. Gunter, W.D., et al., Evidence for visceral hypersensitivity in high-anxiety rats. Physiol Behav,
69(3):379-82, 2000, abs.
4. Hall, E.J., Want to Bolster Your Immune System? Lifestyle Will Help! The Journal of Health &
Healing, 23(3):19, 2001.
5. McMinn, M.R., Cognitive Therapy Techniques in Christian Counseling. Word Publishing, 1991.
6. Chalmers, E.M., Healing the Broken Brain. Remnant Publications, 1998, p. 77.
7. Chalmers, E.M., Healing the Broken Brain. Remnant Publications, 1998, pp. 78, 79.
8. Spiller, G., Caffeine. CRC Press, New York, 1998, pp. 264-272.
9. Nieman, D., The Exercise-Health Connection. Appalachian State University, 1998, pp. 249-262

APPENDIX D
DIET FOR A DOWNCAST SOUL
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God:
for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”
Psalm 42:11
Worldwide, 200 million individuals suffer from depression. In fact, almost one in four Americans
suffers from some form of depressive condition. It is no wonder that treatment for depression costs
an approximate seventy billion dollars in America each year.
Physiological Effects
Depression reduces the ability of natural killer cells and T-lymphocytes to destroy viruses and
cancer cells. In fact, those suffering from long-term depression can increase their risk of cancer by
a factor of three! Depression increases the risk of becoming diabetic, who in turn have an
increased risk for developing depression. Depression increases the risk of dying from a fatal stroke
by 50%, increases the likelihood of developing high blood pressure between 50 to 200%, and for
those who have had bypass surgery, is a more significant factor than smoking, obesity,
hypertension, or high blood cholesterol for developing reoccurring heart disease. Depression
increases the heart’s sensitivity to electrical disturbances, the risk of developing osteoporosis, and
ultimately, seems to affect all the body’s systems.
Depression is characterized by a persistent sadness that is difficult or unable to be overcome.
Irritability, changes in appetite and sleep habits, difficulty making decisions or plans and carrying
them out, morbid thinking, gloomy feelings, and distorted thinking are all common symptoms of an
individual suffering from depression.
Long-term or severe depression destroys brain cells in the front brain. This is where spiritual
themes and judgment, consequential thinking, the will, and the ability to plan and execute
decisions are controlled. When the front brain is impaired, an individual experiences difficulty
concentrating and making decisions. Studies show that during depression, the front brain receives
less blood flow. Electrical activity is repressed and less growth factor is stimulated for brain cell
development. The levels of brain chemicals, such as serotonin, a brain chemical necessary for
positive outlook and nor-epinephrine, a natural anti-depressant, decline. Certain structures found in
the brain cells shrink, and nerve cells eventually die. If left untreated, depression will shrink the
front brain. Once neurons in the front brain die, they can never be replaced.
Within the temporal lobes, the hippocampus is essential for storing memory and is also involved in
learning and regulating mood. Depression, prolonged stress, and chronic anxiety shrink the
hippocampus. Unlike the front brain, the hippocampus can generate new brain cells. However, this
is dependent upon a nutritious diet and a variety of physical and mental exercises.
The amygdala, which are also embedded in the temporal lobes, store fear-evoking memory. In
depression, the amygdala are overactive, and the individual becomes abnormally fearful.
Causes of Depression
Depression usually has several different causes, some of which require professional diagnosis.
The physical causes for depression could include genetic disposition, hormonal imbalances, ministrokes, allergies, alcohol, nicotine, and insufficient exercise and sleep.
Long-term use of caffeine reduces the capacity of the brain cells to make serotonin (essential for
positive outlook) and norepinephrine (a natural anti-depressant). Caffeine reduces blood flow to the

front brain while increasing the metabolism of brain cells and the demand for oxygen. Studies show
that caffeine magnifies the effects of stress hormones and interferes with production of GABA, a
brain chemical that helps maintain calmness and focus under stress.
Excess sugar and fat reduce brain-derived nerve growth factor that protects brain cells and
stimulates their development. Eating sugar on an empty stomach is especially hazardous to brain
cells. A candy bar or soft drink rapidly increases the blood sugar triggering the pancreas to release
large amounts of insulin which quickly lower the blood glucose level. Since glucose is the only fuel
for brain cells, a rapid glucose decline (even sudden drops within what would be considered
normal levels of blood sugar) impairs the ability of the front brain to function optimally.
Vitamin B12 is essential for efficiency of the brain. Even a low-normal amount of this vitamin may
result in a decline in mental functioning. Vegetarians should eat foods fortified with B12 or take B12
supplements. Most individuals only need an average of 3-5 micrograms of vitamin B12 per day.
Because it is stored in the liver, a dose of 50 micrograms twice a week is sufficient.
Overcoming Depression
Each day eat a serving of omega-3 fats (flaxseed, soybeans, walnuts, or dark green leafy
vegetables). Depression can result in localized and systemic inflammation that can increase
several pro-inflammatory agents in the body. One of them, C-reactive protein, is a very useful
marker in evaluating the risk for heart disease and stroke. Studies show that major depression
increases C-reactive protein in men. Daily consumption of omega-3 fats combats inflammation,
helps to reduce the risk of depression, and lessens its symptoms.
Enjoy a variety of complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, legumes, and whole grains).
Carbohydrates increase the production of serotonin, a brain chemical which promotes positive
outlook, whereas a high protein diet can decreases its production. A diet rich in complex
carbohydrates can also reduce elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which is commonly
elevated in depression. Excessive amounts of cortisol reduce the production of key proteins
necessary for optimal brain efficiency and mental health.
Studies show a significant relationship between depression and the deterioration of fats (lipid
peroxidation) in the brain and other tissues, especially in females. Other investigations show that
individuals suffering from depression not only have less of the vitamins C and E in their blood, but
also have more free radical activity in their brains. Eating fresh, colorful fruits and vegetables and
several ounces of nuts increases antioxidant activity in the brain while minimizing damage from
free radicals.
Regular aerobic exercise and exposure to sunlight bolster the production of serotonin. Sunlight
converts cholesterol in the skin into vitamin D, which is absorbed by the capillaries in the skin.
Studies show that both sunlight and vitamin D supplements can enhance the mood and quality of
life in individuals experiencing depression and anxiety during the winter months.
Feeling blue lately? Perhaps it’s time to take a closer look at our physical and mental diets. Or
perhaps we’re “playing the blues” in our heads. It is during these times that we need the Great
Master Artist to mix the sunlight of His presence into the blueness we feel, and we will find
ourselves walking in green pastures beside still waters.

APPENDIX E
BURIED ALIVE
“When I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.”
Micah 7:8
This article is a humble attempt to communicate some of the answers to those who have been so
often baffled, thwarted, and thrown into a seemingly bottomless pit of endless pain from the past. It
is one of those articles that if only read in part or if read with interruptions, the incomplete part read
will only serve to mock the whole.
Why deal with a painful past? Can’t it be ignored or forgotten? Wouldn’t that be a better alternative
than having to deal with the pain it produces?
A balanced perspective is vital. Too many of us have wasted the precious, present moments
brooding over past hurts. The past becomes the present that directs the future. It is as if we are
trying to drive ahead to a somewhat hopeful destination by looking into the rearview mirror.
Screeeecch…..!!!
“Uh! What hit me? What did I hit? I’m so sorry! I must have lost my bearings. And I thought I knew
the Baltimore area so well!”
Someone yells, “This is Washington, you nut!”
Hurt people often hurt other people. More collisions follow. The past alone is definitely not a
sufficient guide for the present.
Uncontrolled, unproductive focusing on past wrongs harms the brain. According to psychologist
Elden Chambers, “Specific thoughts generate specific patterns of brain activity.” If a negative
thought reoccurs often enough, the brain develops a “readiness potential” to engage in pessimistic
activities. “PET scans have revealed blood flow that is sharply focused in a wide variety of specific
locations in the brain, depending upon a matching variety of attentions and selections.” We are
capable of activating any selected parts of the human brain at will. It is a law of the mind that in
beholding a certain image, we conform to it.
Yet it is because of the past that I am where I am now.
Suppose that on my way to Washington, D.C., I left my wallet hidden in a motel room. Fifty miles
down the road I realize that my wallet, with my three credit cards, a thousand dollars in traveler’s
checks and cash, and my only picture of a beloved parent, is left in the motel room. Wouldn’t I go
back to try to retrieve it? Sure, I could cancel my credit cards. If I were wealthy, maybe the cash
wouldn’t make a difference. But there is only one picture of my beloved parent left in the world, and
I want that!
There are times in our lives when we will not be satisfied until we have retrieved that lost item of
special significance. The difficulty is to identify this remnant from the past, so valuable that we want
its knowledge in the present or future. So, what is valuable?
Mistakes, failures, and disappointments are valuable. Not that we want them to become the
centerpieces of our lives, but if we learn from them, they contribute to our peace and confidence in
the present. We really don’t like it when our shortcomings and failures become so apparent. We
prefer to bask in seeming success.
But realization of our own failures can help us empathize with other struggling individuals.
Appropriate accountability to others enables us to evaluate our own priorities and methods a little
more clearly in the light of heaven. When confronted by failures and mistakes we have opportunity

to affirm the true and reject the false within us. Without the privilege of being baffled, thwarted,
opposed, humiliated by failures, and given the opportunity of learning from them, we would also
lose the opportunity for growth.
Hurtful experiences often shape our perspectives, motivations, and intercourse with others. Shame
may result. This exposure, “unnerving and possibly undeserving” as it can be, “unearths the
strategies we use to deal with a world that is not under our control.” Engaged in work, alcoholism,
unhealthy repression, or extreme pursuit of pleasure, some of us hide pain and construct pseudogods to give us a sense of control and comfort. These pseudo-gods, like addictions and fantasy
thinking, never really solve the problems – they only perpetuate them. Calming the heart-cry of the
soul, they thrust us into consequential pain, thus increasing our guilt and shame. Avoiding pain, the
issues merely accrue more interest and present another mortgage for the soul at a later date. By
that time, many of us feel that we can’t afford to be honest with ourselves or God but may attempt
to open ourselves to a safe confidant in our area of loathsome weakness. Without being honest to
ourselves, God, and others, we never will feel or know any true acceptance. To the extent we are
willing to face the past, discern between legitimate and illegitimate shame, acknowledge any true
guilt, and give up our costly pretenses and misplaced trust, will be our growth in integrity and
meaningful relationships. Any psychological value or technique that would contribute to high quality
mental health must contribute to quality growth. Integration of noble character and personality traits
require inward as well as outward honesty. “Purity of purpose and integrity underlie all true
harmony of thought, emotions, and behavior.” I am more than my behavior. My thoughts, recurrent
emotions, and purposes are essential in defining who I really am.
The story of Elijah, as recorded in the Bible, reveals a loving God that often encourages us to rest
in His love when our minds are clouded with pain. Many times He builds us up physically and
mentally before having us deal with some of the draining issues in our lives.
If we refuse to acknowledge past injuries and recognize the resulting pain, we are unable to
forgive. Forgiveness includes, along with being honest about the hurt experienced, a refusal to
nourish past injury, a commitment to work through roots of bitterness with God, an openness to
see how we might have negatively impacted the offender, and a refusal to let past hurts motivate
us in a negative, stingy, or stifling manner (cautiousness, however, can be beneficial). If we are not
honest about the hurt, we cannot honestly forgive. As someone has said, without forgiveness we
“burn the bridge over which we all must cross.”
However, a perspective from the other side is important, as well. Do I have such perfect insight and
God-given sensitivity and tact, that I have never wounded anyone? I try to keep current in my
apologies, but because for so many years I didn’t have God’s values and kindness, for me now to
say that I don’t need to prayerfully and honestly reflect over my past actions is tantamount to
saying that I have dealt perfectly! Nonsense!
In the story of the woman at the well, Jesus first helped her to acknowledge her past so that her
emotional and social health could consequently be restored. We do not have the full conversation
that went on by that Samaritan well recorded. (Jesus knew how to keep confidence.) But we do
know that Jesus turned the pages of her hurt life ever so carefully. In some ways, I can relate to
that woman.
“I just don’t get it!” Trapped again and again. Every time I experienced some success and just
began to enjoy it, six months later I would be trapped again. I felt as if I wanted to hide, literally,
under my bed. “Why am I having to battle these feelings again?”
But somehow, someway, sometimes, I knew God ass present. “Liz, it is not the adult in you who is
trapped. It’s the little children of the past inside of you.”* He then showed me the three-year-old
afflicted with encephalitis, the 11-year-old realizing Dad’s departure, the 13-year-old sobbing
quietly in the cave of her mother’s paranoid schizophrenia, the 17-year-old whose only social grace
was to be quiet. Panicking, I phoned a friend.

“You must accept these little children and get help.”*
“But I can’t!”
“And why not?” she questioned softly.
“Because they give me so much pain!” Then I realized these children would be forever stunted,
never growing into an integrated, fun-loving, but responsible woman unless I could accept them
honestly. *
Could it be that today as God is turning the pages of our lives, He sees our birthplace, our early
childhood experiences – the triumphs and the failures – and how our thoughts were shaped? He
knows about hurts. He alone has the undistorted record of our tears. In his prayer, David pleads
with God, “Record my lament; list my tears on Your scroll. Are they not in Your record?” Another
psalm describes God’s ability to transform our tears into blessing. Psalm 84:6, 7 says, “Blessed are
those whose strength is in You, Who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the
Valley of Baca [literally, “valley of tears”], they make it a place of springs’ the autumn rains also
cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, and each appears before God in Zion.” Yes,
God is ever present when we cry.
Perhaps you are the offender who has caused others much grief, and you feel sorry for the hurt
you have caused. Perhaps you are a hurt person inadvertently hurting others. There is hope for
you! The children of Israel, because of negative thinking, lack of faith, and disobedience were
required to wander through a desert wasteland for forty years instead of two weeks to reach the
Promised Land! Most died before arriving, but they kept marching for their children’s sake and for
the hope of a more enduring kingdom. Sometimes, as the past surfaces to our minds, past regrets
threaten to swallow us up. But remember the words of hope in Isaiah 51:3. Insert your name into
the promise. “The Lord will surely comfort _______________ and will look with compassion on all
her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and
gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” The desert wasteland, or as
the King James Version describes it, “the wilderness,” describes the slow learning of vital lessons
essential to eternal life – the futility of disobedience and the appreciation of discipline, repentance
and perseverance. God, by the nature of His goodness, can turn past defeat into triumphs. He
reclaims the unfertile, barren deserts and creates a luxurious garden of serenity.
How does this happen? “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord; I wait for God my Savior; my
God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in
darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath,
until He pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his
righteousness…Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the
remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever, but delight to show mercy. You will
again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot, and hurl all our iniquities into the
depths of the sea.” Micah 7:7-9,18,19
This text tells us that our healing is based upon focusing on God’s goodness, acceptance of His
disciplinary measures, and persevering trust of His word. God provides new opportunities for us.
He will guide us in unfamiliar ways, not just stick with us in our well-worn ruts! (See Isaiah 42:9,16)
Maybe you, like me, didn’t really know God when the emotional trauma or the physical abuse
happened. He, with His infinite capacity to feel, felt it all. Worse than you or I have ever
experienced it. He even gave a vivid word picture of this care in His life on earth – enduring
poverty, hardship, insinuations, and verbal and physical abuse. Could it be that God sees how our
false strategies of coping (to which we are so accustomed) lull us into what will become a
nightmare of reality? Perhaps to save us from being buried alive by an avalanche of worse pain,
He permits discouraging circumstances or an unexpected crisis to reveal to us the hidden,
unrecognized, destructive motives, the base gods, and the false coping strategies. He does this
because He knows that if we walk with Him in honesty, surrendering the false, we will have such

triumphant peace that the fear of pain will never motivate us in a false and dishonest way. We will
never again have to live in haphazard confidence.**
* I am not referring to multiple personalities. The term “the child within” is recognized jargon. In
psychological circles, it refers to the stunted development of an adult from a dysfunctional home.
** I have tried to give appropriate credit. However, I’ve read so much and internalized it over the
last ten years that I cannot remember specific each source. I am indebted to parts of Frank
Minirth’s and Paul Meier’s book, Love is a Choice, for defining a similar cycle. Dan Allender in The
Wounded Heart and David Allen in Shattering the Gods Within each depicts a fuller scope of the
problem. I’m not saying that I agree with each minute point they make, but the books that they
have written, along with Christian counselors Larry Crabb, John Townsend, and Patsy Clairmont,
have blessed me with growing insight.

APPENDIX F
PROMISES TO BREAK
“He is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises.” Hebrews
8:6
I remember it as if it were yesterday. The sun shining through the window highlighted my twin’s
tears a little too much. I laid on the other bed as she choked out her honest confession. I really
didn’t want to listen to her, but some things just can’t be avoided. “You know, Jeanie, nobody really
loves me. No one pats my back or gives me a hug or kisses my forehead!”
“So what else is new?” I mumbled silently in my impatience.
“So I pat and stroke my own shoulders and arms,” she continued.
“Why do you have to be so very honest?” I chided her mentally. “Some things are not to be spoken
about! Like anything that makes my pain worse!”
Maggie continued to choke down her sobs. With the perfect logic of a seventeen-year-old, I
concluded, “She looks ugly when she cries, I am her twin. If I cry, I will look ugly, too. She is crying
because she needs people emotionally. Well, I won’t ever need people emotionally. So I won’t be
caught looking ugly crying!”
So, I consciously entered into what I call my first “false covenant.” Little did I realize that it would
propel me into a lifetime of constraints. Nearing age fifty, having listened to scores of depressed
patients and dozens of discouraged students, I have discovered that the concept of false
covenants is indeed quite a helpful one to understand.
What is a false covenant? A false covenant is a commitment an individual makes to himself for the
purpose of protecting himself. Often cloaked in a determined “I will never” or “from henceforth I will
always,” it defies reality and breeds unrealistic expectations. Since we can never live up to its
unrealistic expectations, we often feel guilty and angry.
False covenants lead to rigidity that stifles the lives of our loved ones while compromising the
quality of our own lives. They are conclusions based upon false assumptions. In my case, the false
assumption was that emotional needs with their accompanying tears were intrinsically evil and
shameful. My conclusion was that emotional needs and their ensuing vulnerability should be
avoided at all costs.
Many years ago, a very talented, beautiful, and caring lady sat across from me one wintry
afternoon. She had fully confronted the obstacles in her own life. A real go-getter, she didn’t let
anything get her down. Not even the traces of a crippling infection she endured as a child. Runnerup in a state beauty contest, skilled enough to be a professional violinist, respected for her
expertise in her local community, sought out by her peers, happily married and a mother for many
years, and a staunch Christian – why had she come to me in what she deemed “a collapse of
faith”?
Several factors contributed to her sense of abandonment by God, but the root was a false
covenant she had made as a very ill seven-year-old. Seven-year-olds are in the stage of learning
to apply their logic to concrete situations, but they are not yet capable of applying it to complex
abstract ones.
One thousand miles away from home, confined in a large dingy urban hospital, watching other,
more fortunate children play outside, she concluded “I must have done something very bad. I can’t
think of what. I do remember being sent to my room several times when I punched Billy, but I must

have done something really bad to be separated so long from my friends. I know what! I will be so
good, that nothing like this will ever happen to me again!”
And good she was. Even when her father winced at her deformed foot, she vowed to excel and
make it up to him. Being an intelligent student, she made up for her lost year of school. Honor roll
again even as mental illness accosted her family. Valedictorian. Student body president. A high
position in a major Christian organization. Married to “one of the most likely fellows to succeed.”
Master’s degree. Beautiful children. Outgoing, popular, charming, intelligent. She achieved still
higher and higher goals. Then a calamity struck her loved ones. She, who had been so
instrumental in helping others deal with their problems with grace and hope, felt as if she were
flattened to the ground with her face in the mud.
It took a period of gingerly exploring her feelings and prayerfully reflecting upon her past for her to
realize where the root of her abandonment rage came from. Once my friend could realize and
define her false covenant – “If I am good and do good things, nothing like this will ever happen to
me” –she could let go of her anger and sense of abandonment.
The belief that being and doing good should insulate us from life’s tragedies is a common one.
Even Job expressed it. In our own human scheme of justice, it sounds quite logical and concrete.
However, it denies the inherent suffering of this world.* My friend’s code of concrete logic from
childhood inadvertently became her false covenant.
How can we deal with false covenants? The first step is to carefully and prayerfully examine our
lives for any rigidity of response. For me, I had to learn to respect my and others’ emotional needs
– to see them as essential to each person’s welfare.
Reprogramming Your Computer
We must learn to identify and evaluate our premises based on a broad knowledge of the Biblical
principles of mental health. Many times a godly counselor or an insightful friend can help us define
and clarify false assumptions that lead to false covenants. Biographies of individuals who
experienced similar struggles and obstacles could prove valuable tools. Truth, when consistently
and personally applied, counters false assumptions and covenants.
With increasing maturity the mind can be compared to a very sophisticated computer with many
files and folders. We aren’t always cognizant of all the records of past years. Sometimes I sense
that in my own life as well as in the lives of others, God Himself pulls up a file and asks if we want
to save, delete, or edit it. He always wants to give us the choice. Perhaps you have recognized a
false covenant you made, purposefully or inadvertently. For the purpose of illustration, let me
choose one I hear frequently: “I am such a bad person, that I really can’t afford to have anybody
know the real me. I must always mask my pain, never revealing my hurt or failure. I must always
be in control.”
That’s the old, false covenant, but God has a better one! One version of His covenant may read
like this: “You will be so secure in My love that you can afford to be genuine with Me and level with
trustworthy people. You then will develop a much better realization of your own worth.”
But even God Himself cannot superimpose His new and better covenant upon what we have
previously written. We must accord Him this privilege of erasing the false.
Yes, false covenants are difficult, and indeed uncomfortable, to break. Deliberately choosing and
conspicuously practicing better thought patterns takes time, but progress is made with each
struggle in replacing error with truth. Yes, the old covenant sometimes haunts me, but with one
difference. With every step ahead, I think, “Goodbye shame. I’m moving forward in freedom – the
freedom to be the new person God intended me to be.”

We can’t trust our promises or good intentions. They are ropes of sand because we don’t have, like
Israel of old, power, wisdom, or knowledge to accomplish them as much as we want to. We are
foolish to make rules and manipulate events to protect our loved ones and ourselves. We become
wise when we accept God’s eternal assurance policy. His principles will stand forever. The blood of
Jesus underwrites our eternal policy. May we accept His principles and promises instead of
manufacturing our own covenants of self-protection.
“Behold, the days come, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel
and with the house of Judah…For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel and
after those days, says the Lord, I will put My law into their minds and write them in their hearts, and
I will be to them their God, and they shall be to Me a people.” Hebrews 8:8,10
“For all the promises of God in Him [Jesus] are yea and in Him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.”
2 Cor. 1:20
* The only satisfactory solution to this problem is found in the Bible. A loving and just God created
a perfect universe, including this world. One of His cadre became jealous, rebelled, tried to usurp
His authority, refused reconciliation, and was expelled from heaven. He succeeded in seducing
mankind, causing man’s loss of his original home, happiness, and lives, for these come only from
God. The Bible reveals, however, that God still loves His human children and is always actively
reaching out to each one of us, no matter what our circumstances. But He is not arbitrary. He
responds to our responses to His offer of forgiveness and restoration.
Some of our suffering results from our own poor choices. At other times we suffer the results of
others’ poor choices and the convulsions of the political, social, and natural world as it speeds to
the conclusion of the cosmic conflict between the Creator and the rebels. God is with His faithful
children no matter what kind of pain we experience. “In all our affliction He was afflicted.” (Isaiah
63:9) The Bible depict a fast-approaching day when justice will be satisfied and perfect unselfish
love will be the universal basis of all life, and all who now choose loyalty to the Creator will be
restored to the health, happiness, and never-ending life that God planned for them.

APPENDIX G
DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
“Which in time past was to thee unprofitable, but now profitable to thee and to me.” Philemon 1:11
The simplest meaning of “dysfunctional” is “doesn’t work right.” Dysfunction comes in differing
degrees. Some dysfunctional things or people grate on one’s nerves just a little bit – like a squeaky
door. But when a situation involves individuals who must relate to each other or when
circumstances are perceived as intolerable, one of two things must be done: The situation must be
modified (at least partially) or the individual affected must be removed. For example, when a
dysfunctional organ or system of the body results in disease, a doctor must be seen as soon as
possible in order to prevent further complications or fatalities.
When families become dysfunctional, society becomes dysfunctional because the family is
society’s foundational unit. Alcohol, drug abuse, “workaholism,” mental illness, parental neglect,
indifference, abandonment, or the untimely death of a family member can all contribute to personal
dysfunction and dysfunctional group behavior. Even a physical disease like congestive heart failure
can become so serious that significant cognitive impairment, cantankerous attitudes, and impaired
interpersonal relationships can result, all because the blood vessels supplying the brain are not
receiving sufficient blood and oxygen for its needs. Like a genetic disease, dysfunction is
frequently passed on in some form from generation to generation. Its ripples can affect society
affecting non-familial relations. They sap our energy and resources, as would a chronic disease.
The extent to which a specific family dysfunction influences us depends upon the degree, timing,
and context in which we received the abuse, injustice, and/or injury, and our coping capacities.
In this article, we will gingerly, but openly, explore issues with which individuals from dysfunctional
homes have to contend and offer some suggestions which can promote healing, health, and
happiness. I choose to write from the viewpoint of an adult child from a dysfunctional family and
from a Judeo-Christian philosophy. However, the principles outlined apply powerfully to any
dysfunctional relationship. For example, children from dysfunctional parents often become
dysfunctional themselves. Perhaps they overcompensate and become workaholics to earn
approval. Or as adult children they can become manipulative, demanding interest fees from their
divorced parents – a guilt trip, in other words.
True-Life Examples
Let us consider some real people who experienced some degree of dysfunction in their homes as
children and who, in spite of their experience, became a positive influence to those around them.
When Eleanor Roosevelt was born, her gorgeous socialite mother, Anna, marveled that she could
have produced such a homely child. “She was a sensitive, timid child, and from her earliest years
Eleanor knew she was a disappointment to her mother, who would look at Eleanor rather coldly,
worrying that her daughter might never become beautiful. She would even discuss it in the
presence of Eleanor and her friends. Even as an adult, memories of her mother’s attitude haunted
her – echoing the painful realization, ‘I’m ugly.’” (1)
When Eleanor was eight, her mother died, and her father’s alcoholism prevented his caring for her.
While under the care of a strict but concerned grandmother, she was exposed to two mentally ill
relatives. One was an alcoholic uncle who would shoot at the neighbors and their children. For
Eleanor’s protection, her grandmother sent her to boarding school as soon as possible. Homely as
Eleanor was, even in her twenties her loveliness of personality was evident as she reached out to
help the poor. Although betrayed in her marriage, distressed by a controlling mother-in-law, and
struggling with depression, she persistently espoused social rights advocating for the rights of the
poor, the unfortunate, and women.

Although Winston Churchill’s parents provided for his physical needs, they were not a consistent
support for him emotionally. They would often be away when he went home on vacation from his
boarding school. Yet despite his heavy drinking, smoking, and bouts of depression, God used him
to save Western Europe from Hitler.
As a child, Dorie Van Stone’s mother would put her into a drawer and then close it. Eventually she
left Dorie at an orphanage, where a lesbian matron sexually abused her. At age 14, she entered a
foster system which moved her from one home to another where she almost always experienced
abuse. Fortunately, before leaving the orphanage, this unruly teenager heard about and accepted
the love of God. As a young lady, she was able to locate her father only to find that he, too, had
rejected her. Yet overcoming these difficulties, she has become a successful motivational speaker
and missionary.
How to Survive
Maybe you happen to be one of those “good” troubled youth. Or perhaps you were one that got
into trouble a lot. Maybe you are middle-aged and still hear critical voices from the past shouting
into your psyche, maligning your genuine accomplishments. Or perhaps in your work you come in
contact almost daily with the hurting and the deprived. What solace do you have to offer? What
spiritual dynamics need to be recognized before you can offer the gospel to these suffering ones?
Maybe God is calling you to be a mentoring mom or dad. If any of these situations apply to you, I
would like to suggest five life-giving principles to speed your healing or to help others who may
come from dysfunctional homes.
1.

Beware of birds’ nests

There is an old adage that says, “You can’t prevent birds from flying over your head, but you can
prevent them from making nests in your hair.” This holds true for negative automatic thinking that is
fueled by relational dysfunctionality. Their actions set up distorted thought patterns and emotional
auras that contribute to depression, uncontrollable anger, and paralyzing anxiety. Here are some
detrimental patterns of thinking that need to be recognized and replaced in order to see
progession.
·

Personalization

In this distorted thought pattern we assume the blame for a problem outside of our responsibilities
or capabilities. For example, when parents divorce, children often blame themselves. I know when
my mom became mentally ill, I thought, “If I had washed the dishes and cleaned my room, she
wouldn’t have suffered this mental illness. If I had been a better daughter, this wouldn’t have
happened.”
Perhaps Danny Smith’s parents are separated. Mr. Smith promised to take his son camping but
doesn’t show up. Danny thinks, “He didn’t show again. I guess I don’t count!” Later when someone
disappoints him as an adult, Danny thinks, “I don’t count” and spirals down into deep depression.
When he can’t take this contempt any longer, he lashes out in anger or perhaps resorts to
addictions. These are examples of unwarranted personalizations.
This and any other kind of distorted thinking pattern is dangerous in that it usurps the true value
that God places on us. The healing answer is: “The Scriptures reveal that God wants you, He loves
you, and He has chosen you. This love, if accepted, is powerful enough to satisfy all love hunger.
Of course, it takes time for increasing maturity to realize the possibilities of this healing love.
·

Labeling

This is a type of jumping to conclusions in which a parent applies a negative term to a complex
situation. Sammy fails math. His parents assume that Sammy is “lazy.” Don’t get me wrong. As a
teacher, I know that laziness and procrastination contribute to poor grades. Perhaps, however,
there are other contributing factors – distractions, discouragement, individual learning styles, etc.

All of these need to be explored. It would be more accurate to say, “Sammy has problems with
math,” than to call him “stupid.” Or perhaps someone refers to his own father as “my old man, the
drunk.” But the father is much more. He is a human being. He needs to be treated with respect.
Loving respect usually, although sometimes slowly and even awkwardly, awakens respect in
others.
·

Selective filtering

This is another distorted thinking pattern which must be recognized and replaced before any
healing can be maintained. In this cognitive distortion, a individual focuses on one aspect, usually
negative, to the exclusion of the positive. To continue our scenario, Sammy’s parents focus on his
poor math grades without praising him for his good grades in social science.
Children from dysfunctional homes often see their parents as being totally evil, wrong, mean, or
cowardly, without any middle ground. In many cases, dysfunctional parents do really love their
children but are emotional children themselves. They have not learned to fulfill their legitimate
emotional needs in healthful ways, so they cannot help their child meet his needs. However, they
do manifest care for their children by providing for their physical needs – the one thing they know
how to do.
Bobby was a handsome, talented, hard-working young man with a temper. Early in his childhood
his father deserted him and his two sisters. His mother worked two jobs and had little time for
nonsense. Bobby remembers her as a very strict parent. In being controlling, however, she lost
control and would scream and occasionally whip her children for what Bobby later would term
ordinary childish adventures. After establishing rapport with him, I asked him to make a list of the
times his mother did show that she cared for him, how he benefited from being her child, and how
God turned the curse into a blessing. Here is what he came up with: He got his good looks from his
mom (his intelligence, too). He also remembers her working extra long hours to send him and his
siblings to camp one summer. And being the oldest, he learned how to take responsibility, cook, do
laundry, and work hard (blessings in disguise).
When selective thinking threatens to ruin your life, remember the good and look for ways in which
God can turn the curse into a blessing. Of course, this takes time and practice, but it makes our
disappointments and griefs manageable.
Sometimes selective filtering is manifested in a different way. Children from dysfunctional homes
can focus on all their weaknesses, but often exclude their strengths. They sink down in learned
helplessness and succumb to passive insecurity: “I’m no good. No one wants me. I can’t make it.”
Hopefully, this learned helplessness wouldn’t be present in all aspects of their lives, though this is
possible, but usually it predominates in at least one area. An objective friend or counselor can help
identify their strengths and potential contributions, and help them also to gradually learn to refocus.
·

Generalization

This is assuming that the same negative events will happen over and over again. Worried about
losing her job that she loved so much, Jill had a few days of anxiety attacks. With several
disabilities, Jill feared that she wouldn’t be able to find a suitable job. However, she had
determined not to let the threat of possible loss discourage her, even though she had been let go
from a few jobs previously. Thinking about other possibilities, she pondered, “What is going on in
my thinking? Where did this emotional aura – this stabbing, jabbing, and oppression – come from?
She remembered what her family’s long-time cook and housekeeper had said when her mother
developed manic-depression and practically disowned her. “Your mom doesn’t want you anymore.”
These words haunted her until she spiraled down into a deep depression. That assessment
summarized her teenage years and perverted her discernment for years thereafter. It was buried in
Jill’s psyche when she was a teenager, so that even thirty years later, whenever she was
threatened by a loss, the thought, “No one wants me,” immediately intruded into her mind. Through
oversimplification and misinterpretation, the thought became, “I am no good.” Now, although it

takes her some time to recognize the origin of her distress, she uses logic to combat it
successfully. “I do have friends and customers who appreciate me.” The good news for Jill is that
Jesus is not embarrassed to have her as His sister. May I assure others who are like Jill that He
loves you just as much. All of us who are offspring of dysfunctional parents and perhaps somewhat
maladjusted ourselves must accept the value God places upon us, realizing God wanted us or He
would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem us.
·

All-or-none thinking

Critical parents often leave their children with two sets of rigid cognitions – “all-or-none thinking”
and “should-thinking.” All-or-none thinking engages in labeling events or people as all good or all
bad, with no shades of gray. For example:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

“If I don’t make straight A’s, I am a total failure.”
“If I do not marry, my whole life will be miserable.”
“Position and power are everything. I won’t get hurt if I have those.”
“All pain is bad. Pain is an emotion. Therefore, I won’t feel, so I won’t hurt.”
“I can’t trust anybody to understand my dysfunctional family.”

All-or-none thinking nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of others.
Shame accrues more interest. In addition, it promotes impatience, intolerance, and contempt.
When applied to people, all-or-none thinking discounts the fact that individuals can learn from their
mistakes. When applied to circumstances, all-or-none thinking helps us to lose sight of the fact
that God has ability to transform any curse into a blessing.
2. Set your boundaries
Boundaries are essential for devastated individuals. One of the first boundaries to address is
forgiveness. Unless we forgive our dysfunctional parents, they will forever exercise their power to
contaminate our lives. Roots of bitterness poison our perceptions and pervert our judgment. We
make poor choices. Shame then follows.
When abuse and indifference surface, forgiveness is a gradual process and a commitment. We
must acknowledge our pain, allow ourselves to cry, receive some validation for our pain, and
refuse to allow the past hurts to motivate us to egocentric or excessive self-protection and distrust.
In forgiveness, one does remember, but does not dwell on past hurts. For this reason, I cannot
accept the advice of some counselors who suggest that I chronologically record the hurtful events
of my life. If one does this, positive memories or present opportunities are lost – and one is lost in a
graveyard of sadness, for “by beholding we become changed.”
To a very real extent, the past helps to shape the present, and the present the future. As children
we learned lessons which are seldom obliterated. Consciously or subconsciously, negative events
can motivate us toward a stunted, suspicious manner. We develop strategies of protection that
subtly rob our integrity and sabotage many of our contributions to society. It is therefore imperative
that we are open to learning from the past. I like the way David prayed, if I can paraphrase the
literal Hebrew. “Lord, search my heart, to see if there be any anger, pain, or anxiety in me that
could accumulate in wickedness in me.” We might have survived the past, but we can’t live – really
live – in the present until we forgive those who have hurt us. In true forgiveness I must reject the
devaluation that the offender or abuser has placed on me. In its place, I must accept God’s
estimation of me. He sees my weakness and wickedness as well as my strengths and successes.
Because He sees all and it is His very nature to love, I can accept His unconditional love.
Forgiveness and respect don’t mandate that we absolve our parents from their accountability. By
all accounts, Bill Ginglen, was an upstanding citizen – a former Marine, a loving husband, a
devoted father and grandfather. “Then on August 19, 2004, Jared, a Peoria, Illinois, police officer,
read a story in the paper about a series of bank robberies in another part of the state. ‘The
description just oddly matched my father to a T,’ Jared says. ‘The description of the vehicle – the
getaway car – was the same vehicle my father drove. And he spends time over in that area.’ As he

continued reading, he noticed that the newspaper story referenced a website set up by local police
authorities that contained surveillance photos of one of the robberies. ‘Just to clear up my own
mind, I decided to go look to be sure that it wasn't he,’ Jared says. ‘But it was.’ Jared immediately
called his brothers.” (2). They made a heart-wrenching decision to turn their Dad in to the
authorities. They didn’t want anybody to get hurt.
We must hold our family members accountable when they have committed a crime, even a crime
against us. To not report childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse because it is one’s
family member is irresponsible. Mothers who ignore their abusive husbands injuring or molesting
their children jeopardize the lives of their children and sacrifice the self-respect and integrity of
everyone involved. The dysfunction will only accrue terrible interest rates until we boldly face it.
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. If our parents frequently put us down,
we need to recognize that this is their problem. We are not obligated to require their acceptance. If
we always try to win their approval, it sets us up for defeat. However, an occasional overture in the
form of a letter, call, or phone visit might eventually lead to some healing. And forgiveness certainly
does not mean a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and
escape painful memories.
3.

Do not project

Some of the attitudes I have regarding my parents can unwittingly be projected upon God and
others. The promise and power of parenting must be recognized. Respect the power of parenting.
In a perfect world, God designed parents to be as God to their children and to portray His character
faithfully and accurately until the child can develop an independent concept of what a personal,
loving God He really is. Our parents are to reflect the goodness of God. However, as a result of
sin, individual or collective, even good parents fall short. Mark this point well. Whatever we think
about our parents determines, to a great extent, our personal concept of God. This distortion,
whether obvious or unconscious on our part, can profoundly impact our loved ones because it
erodes our happiness, and contaminates our other important relationships.
My parents had separated by the time I was three. Dad, however, would faithfully visit us children
every Saturday, but when the divorce was final, he dropped out of sight completely and did not
send any monetary support to our family. I know from my own personal experience, even while
intellectually understanding and accepting the concept of God’s love, that somewhere in my core
being, I subconsciously felt that, because my earthly father was indifferent to me, my heavenly
Father was, too. He never seemed to answer certain prayers. In these secret pockets of my soul it
was as if I had specific black holes into which the grace of God never seemed to penetrate.
Later, I would recognize that genuine healing comes when we can discern and acknowledge how
our parents negatively impact our concept of God, and when we can repent of projecting their
deficiencies, anger, or indifference upon God. One of the first steps in this process is refusing to let
what you don’t know about God shake your confidence in His love. We all use electricity, for
example, but most of us don’t understand the deep scientific principles involved.
Sometimes we misplace our anger upon others. Years ago there was a colleague and supervisor
that I just didn’t like or trust. When I realized that he had some of the same qualities of the distant
grandfather that I lived with – small frame, frugal, avid gardener, laconic – and that subconsciously
I had projected the discomfort I felt with my grandfather upon my co-worker, my relationship with
him improved tremendously. Today, I regard him as a true friend and trusted advisor. I can’t help
thinking that if grandfather had lived long enough, I might have had a meaningful relationship with
him, also.

4.

Honor my father and mother?

King Solomon observed of one who curses his father or mother that “his light will go out in time of
darkness.” Whatever we reflect back to our parents will come back upon our heads – be it for good
or for evil. “Indifferent” would be the one adjective that best summarizes my parents during my teen
years. Although my mother was at first patient and gentle, by the time my twin sister and I entered
adolescence, my mother had developed paranoid schizophrenia. She thought we children were
actually spies. Not only blinds and curtains covered the many windows of our house, but also
blankets snuffed out any possible penetrating light. Mom was indifferent, incapable, scary, and
embarrassing. As a teenager I was ashamed of my mom, and didn’t want to be seen with her.
Clean, but unkempt in appearance, she would gyrate from the tactile hallucinations she felt. What
teenager wants to go out and eat at a restaurant with her mother jerking and moving because she
thought that someone was shocking her? She was so embarrassing to be with in public. However,
I gained some insightful sympathy when, as a 30-something adult, I struggled with a severe social
phobia which crippled my social life for a few years. I couldn’t even walk my dog! I would venture
out for only work or groceries. It is a principle of life: What measure we give to others, will
eventually in some way be reflected back upon us. Any contempt with which we have regarded our
parents will surely come back to us.
Another point to consider is, even if we cannot respect our parents as being deserving, we can
respect them as human beings. We can also honor our parents by stopping the cycle of contempt
– even self-contempt caused by an unhealthy sense of shame.
Few, if any, individuals who come from a dysfunctional home themselves, have their lives together
by age thirty. So why should we condemn our parents so harshly for the mistakes they made? This
isn’t to say we can’t hold them accountable for their actions, confront them, and express our anger
to them – if it would be wise. However, in doing so, we want to exercise sympathy for their
childhood development, the conditions they had to endure.
For example, my parents actually separated when I was three. That wasn’t too bad, because Dad
visited every Saturday – faithfully. When the divorce was final, however, and we twins were eleven,
he dropped out of sight – no visits, no letters, no calls, no financial support – only Christmas and
birthday presents. Eventually, we made contact. Decades later, I discovered he really had had a
hard decision to make – to support his mom and provide her nursing care or support his two
children. He knew my mother worked (until her mental illness took over) and further, that my
mother’s dad would provide for us. So we really didn’t lack any food, clothing, school supplies, or
shelter.
When I was in my early forties, he also paid for my speech therapy for several years. When he
died, my sister and I inherited a reasonable sum of money. Having subsequently experienced
financial difficulties myself, I can better understand the dilemma that he faced as a young man. He
had made a hard decision, and later paid his dues to me. I discovered that he had written to us, but
apparently my mom had destroyed his letters. Although our relationship was rocky at times, I still
do miss him. As I grow older and learn more of the situation as it really was at the time, rather than
how I perceived it, I no longer judge his behavior. As for mom, I have learned that schizophrenia is
not only a mental disease, but also a brain disease that can entail damage to certain key structures
in the brain. Therefore, her capacity to love and relate to her children were, to a large degree,
determined by mental illness, not necessarily of her own choice.
I want to be crystal clear. There is no excuse, for abuse, alcohol addiction, or, worse yet, heartless
abandonment. Still, there can be many underlying factors that contribute to various abusive
behaviors, and these need to be recognized and sufficiently dealt with for the children’s resulting
dysfunction to be overcome.
We also need to consider that even dysfunctional parents can make genuine contributions to
society. Take, for example, Abraham Lincoln. His father was such a hard taskmaster, even
physically slapping his son around at times. Lincoln developed a significant sense of serious selfdepreciation. However, both his mother and later, his stepmother, encouraged him. By the time of
his presidency, Lincoln had enough self-respect to invite his political rivals to be members of his

Cabinet. To some extent, his own family life was also dysfunctional. At times his wife was mentally
unbalanced and difficult. His biographers write that he was very distant toward his first two sons.
When his second son died, he soon became overindulgent to a serious fault with his last two sons.
This moderately dysfunctional dad, subject to difficulties, still did much to help his nation stop its
expansion of slavery and later proclaimed its abolition in the South. My point is that, even in
dysfunctional families, imperfect people can make significant contributions. Abraham Lincoln is
great, in part, because he cared and worked diligently in the face of obstacles – some of which
came from a dysfunctional home.
How much information do we dare share? In many dysfunctional homes, children are strictly
commanded to keep silent about family secrets, never divulging them under any circumstances.
This degree of secrecy stifles complete mental and emotional maturity. We grow maximally when
we are accepted with truth and grace. This does not happen when we totally conceal our pain and
injury from others. Although we are confused and hurting, some little kernel of courage within us
leads us to try to learn from pain. Then our agonizing experience will not be totally in vain. This
benefit requires wrestling with great themes of life. At times, for us to be healed, we need an
advisor that is on our side, someone who can validate our suffering. It is usually best to proceed
gradually – testing the waters, so to speak – with a trained counselor, pastor, or a friend who can
be objective as well as keep confidences.
After we have gained insight and peace, we can share what we have learned to encourage others.
Nonetheless, unless a crime has been committed, we do well to guard the reputations of our
parents. We do not want to broadcast all the nasty details of abuse to anyone and everyone
unwisely, or exaggerate our parents’ weaknesses and indiscretions.
5.

Learn to accept yourself

Usually when significant trauma happens in a child’s life, it leaves him vulnerable to stunted growth
and development in important areas of life. These areas must be acknowledged, accepted, and
corrected before one has total freedom from his parents’ blunders. But no one can achieve his best
growth unless he is within a sphere of acceptance. The love of God provides this acceptance, even
when our parents have rejected or ignored us. He says, I will not cast out anyone who comes to
me. To the extent we refuse to acknowledge and squelch the undeveloped parts of our character,
our personalities will never totally be integrated in love and integrity.
On average, children have certain psychological tasks to master approximately every two years.
Any grade-school teacher can tell you those aged 11 to 13 are in a very important stage of social
development. So if a father, for example, deserts the family when his daughter is within that age
group, that daughter, as an adult, might be stunted in social aspects in her life as an adult.
Understanding the stages of childhood development, then, can be a useful tool and a valid
approach to helping adult children of dysfunctional homes achieve integration and well-adjusted
lives. In other words, if as children we didn’t learn a particular psychological task, such as trust,
determination, industry, purpose, courage, or initiative, we will have to acknowledge our deficits
and patiently work upon them as adults.
Frequently, as children pass through different stages of development, they have fear, anxiety,
anger, or sadness, and it is better for them to be taught how to express their emotions, positive or
negative, rather than bottle them up inside. They need guidance to progress into constructive
thoughts and actions. If their parents are wise and available, the children learn healthful ways of
coping. When parents are unavailable, indifferent, or angered by their children’s needs, and these
needs are left unaddressed, the children’s personality is not fully developed or integrated. Then the
emotions of fear, anxiety, or dejection often result in addictions (to ease the pain) or even
psychosomatic disease.
For example, uncontrollable fear, devastating anger, and harmful habits and addictions are rooted
in the limbic system (as the middle portion of brain that is concerned with lower emotions is called).
One may be either aware or unaware of these manifestations. If emotional pain, anger, confusion,

and depression are kept inside, they often trigger disease, especially when they become attitudes.
For example, anxiety and major depression increase proinflammatory agents that fuel chronic
diseases. An epidemiological study has shown that severe bouts of anger are reported significantly
more often than expected during the hour preceding myocardial infarction. Other studies show that
anxiety, impatience, and depression can increase the risk of even otherwise healthy men
developing hypertension.
As some investigators believe, expression of such emotions to a wise counselor can help to
transfer pain from the emotional and imaginative right side of brain to the logical left side and also
somewhat to the front brain. When a person is able to verbalize the situation and clarify it, he can
start solving some problems. It is like the long-worded math problems most of us never enjoyed in
high school. To solve the problem, you need to sort out the information pertinent to defining the
problem, eliminate what you didn’t know, and have resources available to look up what you forgot.
An effective counselor might be compared with a good math teacher. He doesn’t solve the
problems, but he helps provide the tools with which you can solve it. Reflective thinking, applying
Biblical principles to one’s situation, and pouring out our hearts to God, will help our front brains to
process our problems successfully. It is the front brain, in cooperation with God, which enables us
to focus, discern, and forgive.
However, just to express unbridled emotion for the sake of doing so, can be dangerous because
expression deepens impression. What we say reacts back on our brain and in our minds more
powerfully many times, than if left unsaid. It strengthens the circuit of anger and depression. It is
when we express emotions in a safe environment to a godly counselor who distinguishes between
giving wise sympathy and enabling crippling self-pity, that one can receive help. Expression by
itself doesn’t necessarily heal. It is the connection, the support, the respect, and the perspectives
that help to change and heal us.
Having said this, however, even legitimate needs can deteriorate into selfish, unrealistic demands.
Legitimate needs can easily degrade into uncontrollable selfishness as is seen when an adult child
blames his parents’ divorce for his unhappiness as an adult and plunges into a self-destructive
addiction. As important as childhood environment is, the will, strengthened by wise choices,
contributes even more to adult happiness.
Meet Needs in a Healthy Way
There are many ways God can help us mature and meet needs healthfully. One is to find a “father
or mother in Israel” (a mentor) to befriend us. They will teach you how to struggle fearfully, but
bravely, with life’s difficulties and unexpected problems. Many limitations can be overcome by
teamwork, even those from childhood deprivations due to growing up in a dysfunctional family.
In His church, God has provided us with families, with friends who stick closer than blood brothers.
These individuals can help to mitigate the effects of our troubled past. By becoming involved with
children or adolescents, we can become more acquainted with ourselves and develop in the areas
in which we need to grow. Teaching part time at a grade school has sharpened my perception of
my own defects that needed to be remedied. Certain events there sometimes remind me of how I
felt as a child or teenager, and perhaps those emotions tap into a current dilemma. Many times I
rejoiced over my and my students’ taking leaps into maturity. Almost every time I correct or
discipline, a still small voice tills the fallow ground of my heart.
However, God’s church is also a hospital for sinners. Choose your mentors wisely, and look for
one person to take the place of your mom, dad, or family. Be careful not to fall into a co-dependent
relationship where you obtain your self-worth from one person, one job, or one position. Balance is
absolutely essential. You need a variety of relationships and activities to achieve optimal mental
health.
Don’t expect even the best friend or mentor to take the place of the parents you should have had.
They can’t. If they are wise, they won’t try. God has reserved that privilege for Himself.

Two Absolutes
Undeniably, some of us have had parents that have left us. Perhaps a cruel mental illness took
them from our embrace. Sometimes they themselves, as children, were not truly loved. Having not
received love, they didn’t know how to give it. For whatever reasons, we want some absolutes. If
you are in that position as I was, you will have to search for them as in a treasure hunt. Perhaps
you will pursue a wrong trail and will have to retrace your steps. You might have to go to unknown
places and endure hardships as a courageous, but tired adventurer. But the treasure is waiting for
you.
As a child of a literally mentally ill mom and seemingly “deadbeat dad,” I discovered two
dependable absolutes that radically changed my life for good in many ways. In Romans 4:17, Paul
describes God as “calling those things that are not as though they were.” This verse gives you the
first absolute. Even if you had a cruel, or maybe an indifferent or abusive dad, God has the ability
to give you, as an adult, the same benefits as if you really did have a loving, wise, and wonderful
parent! This principle can be applied to any dysfunctional relationship.
Remember Dorie? She was visiting California with her daughter and a friend, when her daughter
wanted to go and visit the orphanage Dorie was in as a child. Unaware of the sexual abuse that
occurred there, her daughter had heard Dorie’s interesting stories and wanted to see the place.
Dorie wasn’t thrilled, to say the least, but with urging from her daughter and her friend, she
consented. The orphanage had been transformed into an art museum. Occasionally, one of the
orphans returned to reminisce. That person was given a special guided tour.
As the guide announced, “Now, we will go to the basement,” Dorie refused and abruptly replied
that there was no need to do so. The guide gently placed her hand on Dorie’s shoulder and
encouraged her. “I understand, but please come. I know what happened in that room downstairs.
But come and see what it is now.”
As Dorie entered the room where so much abuse had taken place, it was totally different. Her
guide explained that a terrible fire had swept through the basement and they had to remodel it
totally. This fire seemed, in her mind, as if the justice of God had devoured the abusive years
meted out to so many young orphans and validated their pain.
Perhaps you, too, have haunting memories of a variety of abuse or neglect. When I think of Dorie’s
experience, I marvel in the truth of another verse, made especially for you. First Corinthians 1:28
says, “God has chosen the things which are not to bring to naught things that are.” The second
absolute, then, is that God will create future events – people you do not presently know, places you
haven’t been, capabilities you do not presently possess. He will create successive scenarios that
will eventually nullify the detrimental effects of any abuse, neglect, or rejection you might have
received in your family or from society. Like the fire that destroyed the room of Dorie’s abuse, God
will destroy the effects of the abuse in your life, validate your pain, and in its place create a
beautiful monument.
He has done this in my life to a large extent. I know God will continue to satisfy the demands of my
soul. He will do that for you also. Skeptical? Raging? Hopeless? Whatever you feel, wherever you
are, He understands and will definitely help you. This vertical connection with God is as vital as any
horizontal connections with other human beings. With God we can, as the psalmist encourages us,
“pour out our hearts at all times.” And it is only God who can satisfy all the needs of a craving soul.
In Him and with Him we can find peace, hope, love, healing from past, and courage in the present.
References
1.
2.

American Experience: Eleanor Roosevelt, PBS, transcript of film, Written by Sue Wiliams
Oprah Winfrey, Facing their Father, January 2006

APPENDIX H
THE HEALING ROLE OF FORGIVENESS
“Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.”
Psalm 119:165
I had been meditating on forgiveness for a long time when September 11, 2001, exploded. I still cry
when I hear the stories of bravery, survival, self-sacrifice, and loss that resulted from that tragedy.
We heard stories of husbands calling their spouses and children to assure them of their love, some
of them even offering apologies. But how about those individuals whose marriages were in trouble
and who never got through to their families to at least say, “I care. I’m sorry that it did not work out.
I now see some of my mistakes and wish you the very best”? What about the father who while
becoming engrossed in wealth, became unconsciously indifferent to his children? What about the
judgmental mother who constantly criticized her children? Did these people – or people like them –
work in the Towers, too? When they died, they forever lost the opportunity for heartfelt apology and
healing restitution. But fortunately, their death did not remove from those they wronged the power
to forgive – a power which survives even the death of the offender.
What Forgiveness is NOT
We first need to define what forgiveness is, and what forgiveness is not. When we have unrealistic
expectations of what forgiveness is, we may become frustrated in trying to achieve the
unachievable, suffer unnecessary guilt, or experience crushed hopes for future meaningful
relationship.
Forgiveness is not a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and
escape a painful confronting of serious, reoccurring issues. Conciliation is valuable, but not at the
expense of truth and sincerity. True forgiveness recognizes that there might or might not be
reconciliation. Our demands are surrendered, but not hope for understanding and a stronger
relationship. Forgiveness is a prelude to reconciliation but does not necessarily guarantee it. In
healthy forgiveness, we respond to the responses of the offender. I can choose to forgive even if a
heart-felt apology is not offered. However, in order for us to be truly reconciled, the offender must
to some extent recognize the damage his offense has done, be genuinely sorry, confess his
offense, and seek to make restitution for it. I also must see what I have done to contribute to the
problem. Although I always need to accept genuine guilt on my part, apologize, and seek to be
forgiven, I must not withhold forgiveness even if the offender demonstrates no desire for
reconciliation, acknowledging his wrongs, or seeking to achieve a better relationship.
Forgiveness does not require us to forgo wise boundary-setting. If we fail to set appropriate
boundaries, our emotional resources can be quickly overwhelmed. Appropriate boundaries also
help prevent unnecessary leaks of emotional energy so that we can then spend more resources in
coping with other life issues. Judicious boundary setting helps others know where we stand and
reduces inadvertent mistakes that sap our day-to-day coping.
Forgiveness does not free one from accountability or necessarily cancel out consequences. As
children, we learn that accountability and consequential learning help us grow in integrity. At other
times, however, forgiveness might include modification of consequences or even appropriate legal
action. Accountability belongs to both the offender and the offended. For example, if I am driving to
town in the correct lane, respecting the speed limits and the stop lights, and a drunk driver hits me,
and I become paralyzed from the waist down, he is responsible for the injury and appropriate
restitution of medical expenses and disability. However, I am responsible for processing my anger
and the depression that may result from the accident.

What Forgiveness IS
Extending forgiveness for life’s painful experiences is a process that requires constant and
persistent effort. It is not a one-time deal. Often, as we uncover more damage done to us, another
layer of anger surfaces, and then we are confronted with the choice to forgive again, this time more
deeply.
The first step includes recognition of the damage done by the offender. We hate pain. We
unconsciously repress it and consciously suppress it until it insidiously depresses our very being.
We become obsessed with seeking comfort rather than struggling with truth and grace. Instead of
truth, comfort then becomes our god. However, Scripture tells us that God is a God of truth and
grace. Grace, graciousness, and genuine comfort can develop only in the context of truth and
honesty. We can forgive only when we progress purposefully with honesty into the domain of truth.
This requires recognition and acceptance of our personal experience.
Unresolved conflict erodes health. Catherine was from a wealthy family in Europe. She had come
to the United States many years ago and experienced two unfortunate marriages. Now her current
marriage was in deep trouble, as well. A bleeding stomach ulcer brought her in an institution of
healing in the South. She did not want surgery. With her physician’s help, she worked through the
problems in her marriage, as well as many others. But with all the treatments, counseling, and her
own persistence, she was still no better physically.
“Catherine,” her doctor said, “you have worked so hard on your problems. Is there anything else
that might be troubling you?””
“I can’t think of a single thing.”
Her doctor was ready to schedule her for surgery when in the middle of the night, he was urgently
called to her room. Catherine was pacing violently back and forth, hands clenched, hissing, “I hate
her!”
“Catherine, whom do you hate? Why?”
Eventually she told her doctor what had happened. Her grandparents were members of European
nobility. Their only son had had a child out of wedlock – Catherine. What rearing she had received
had been from her grandfather, who truly loved her. But her grandmother openly resented and
hated her. She had had no communication with her grandparents for years.
That night her grandmother had called. “Your grandfather has died. It is your fault. You killed him.”
“I killed him? How?”
“Because you left the faith of your family and espoused another religion!”
When Catherine, after much prayer and counsel, was able to forgive her grandmother and write
her a gracious, loving letter, she stopped bleeding and her ulcer healed completely.
When we deny the pain from life’s hurts, we set ourselves up for more pain. Many, many years
ago, after I delivered a lecture on stress, a patient asked to see me. I will call her Rosalyn. Rosalyn
was an attractive, street-smart, middle-aged European lady. She told me how as a child she had
lived in a Nazi-occupied country, and even though she had been only three years old, she would
deliver underground secrets that she obtained from her parents to another underground agent in
the big city.
Now in her fifties and enjoying financial prosperity, she had nevertheless been in several abusive
relationships with men. During this time, she met her brother whom she had not seen since soon
after the war. They reminisced about old times, and finally she remarked, “Hans, there is one thing

I do not understand. I remember waking up black and blue on several occasions. Mother said it
was because I fell out of the bed. But I don’t remember falling out of the bed at all.”
“You don’t remember Dad beating you! Mom just told you that. Dad really beat you!” Her brother
couldn’t believe she didn’t remember.
As she told me her story, I looked into Rosalyn’s eyes – no tears. Her experience was told very
matter-of-factly. I was the one with tears and a big lump in my throat. I could not swallow. Rosalyn
then remarked, “But my dad wouldn’t have done it if he had not been captured by the Nazis and
placed in a concentration camp.” Probably true. Maybe it was a wise reflection from a mature lady
and a legitimate groping toward forgiving.
However, at the time of the abuse, the little girl didn’t understand. It was such a painful affront to
her little soul, that her consciousness would not tolerate it. Did her Dad’s abuse set her up for her
future relations with abusive men? As I listened to the rest of her story I concluded that it had
probably contributed to it. I realized that her persistence and indomitable spirit had deteriorated into
a toughness that would not consciously allow her childhood memories to cry and be validated.
Without that validation, her forgiveness would only be superficial and it would be difficult (if not
impossible) for her to grow. Only as we acknowledge our pain can we begin to understand some of
the ungodly strategies we have devised to numb that pain and choose a more godly approach.
While forgiveness includes the recognition of hurt and injury with their accompanying pain, it
refuses to dwell upon and nourish the injury. A proverb counsels, “You can’t prevent birds from
flying over your head, but you can prevent them from nesting in your hair.” Anger and the ensuing
bitterness lead us to engage in selective filtering. We become absorbed with a person’s or
situation’s problems to the exclusion of the good and the possible benefits that could be derived
from them. Might it not help us to think of a person’s good qualities as well as his/her offensive
ones? Perhaps I can learn and triumph in a difficult situation. Perhaps I could benefit from counsel
that sees the larger picture.
True forgiveness involves a commitment to work through the roots of bitterness. Wendy was a
highly efficient surgical technician – but she was tough. She had a good heart at times. She
ministered to the orphans in the village and finally adopted a child who became her pride and joy.
But whenever there were misunderstandings at work with any man, she would go home and
explode into volatility. Her contemptuous remarks regarding men bounced from wall to wall in her
apartment. She usually had some legitimate points. She knew she had a lot of bitterness and
shame from being sexually abused as a child. That bitterness and shame evolved into contempt of
all men – any man. This form of faulty thinking, called generalization, makes forgiveness
impossible and contaminates all that come into its sphere.
Wendy was attributing to all men the abuse she received and the contempt she developed for her
mother’s boyfriends who raped and abused her as a child. Since men had abused her in the past,
there was no way any man would dare do it again. Her wall of contempt rose to protect herself
from insult and assault. However, contempt preempts forgiveness.
When we forgive, we must conscientiously choose not to allow past hurts, abuses, or injuries to
motivate us in a negative, stinted, or suspicious way. (Caution, however, can be a valuable asset.)
We determine to open our hearts and lives, risking our talents, in a godly way, in order to become
the person God wants us to be.
Without forgiving, our hurt decays into bitterness. These roots of bitterness pervert our perception
and discernment. Anger and bitterness are projected onto others. By contaminating our
relationships, they rob us of peace, good-will, and a meaningful and blessed involvement with
others. We become insensitive. We want to be tough and inaccessible to pain. But unless we can
accept our own vulnerability and need, we can’t accept others when they are vulnerable and
needy. The relationships we do have become self-focused and more bitterness ensues. In order to
help others, we must recognize and avoid generalizations.

Essential in overcoming bitterness is rejecting the value the offender placed upon us at the time of
the injury. Often a child will internalize the value his parents or others in his life have placed upon
him. For example, early sexual abuse appraises the child’s worth to be cheap. Sometimes a
parent’s indifference can be mirrored in an adolescent’s indifference to opportunities.
Consider the following scenario. The parents of eight-year-old Jim are divorced. His dad promises
to see him on Saturdays, but seldom comes. The child thinks, “I must not be worth anything or else
Dad would surely come.” In later years, he sinks into deep dejection whenever his preoccupied
boss does not acknowledge him. The boss, with his mind crammed full with other problems,
doesn’t mean to discourage his worker. The indifference Jim received from his dad is now
projected onto his boss, and if he doesn’t take time to process his hurt and heal his wound, it will
compromise his relationships with others and his job performance in the future.
Consciously rejecting the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our
lives, and replacing it with God’s love, speeds forgiving and healing.
A true story* illustrates this profound power. Dorie was conceived out-of-wedlock, but her parents
married. She was not a cute child. With disgust her mother often hid her in a drawer or a closet.
Finally, her mother couldn’t stand her anymore and sent her off to an orphanage. Tragically, the
matron of the orphanage would take some of the girls down to a basement room and rape them.
Dorie was one of them. She would be slammed against the walls until she cooperated.
When she was 12 years old, a group of college students came and spoke about a loving Jesus.
Her hungry heart responded to Him the best it could. Those were the days when orphans were
sent to foster homes when they turned thirteen. Dorie was assigned to different foster homes
where women would beat her, their husbands or hired hands would enter her room at night, make
her undress, and force her to participate in sexual acts. However, she persevered and claimed a
few promises from her New Testament. Sometimes God protected her, at other times He did not
seem to, but her faith still clung to Him.
Eventually she located her father and began communicating with him. However, when he
discovered she was going to marry a Christian and go overseas to do ministry, he disowned her.
Later, when she attempted to attend his funeral, his relatives and friends rejected her.
Nonetheless, in spite of all the rejection, trauma, and various abuses, Dorie has found life worth
living and rewarding, engaging in helping wounded souls.
Real forgiveness trusts God’s justice instead of our own vengeance. God is love, but He is just and
fair as well. Indeed, justice is an aspect of His love. Without it, His love is compromised, His power
to bring final deliverance to this pain-racked world would be non-existent. In the Psalms and
Prophets we see a God who hates violence, deceit, unkindness, and oppression. He is now
delivering His people from any smattering of these attributes, and when He comes again they will
be delivered from all residual of them.
This was illustrated by Dorie. Years later as she was visiting the West Coast with her daughter, her
daughter wanted to visit the orphanage where her mother grew up. The orphanage had been
remodeled into an art school. The teachers were accustomed to previous residents of the
orphanage coming by. Dorie, always having an entertaining bent to her personality, told stories of
her childhood as she went from room to room. However, when the guide beckoned them to the
very end of the hallway, she refused to go. Her daughter couldn’t understand why. The guide
gently placed her hand upon Dorie’s as if to say, “I understand. I know what was done there.”
“Will you come, please? Can you tell us what happened here?”
“This is the room where sexual abuse took place,” Dorie answered, painfully remembering. The
guide opened the door. The room had been remodeled.

“Do you know why this room has been renovated?” the woman asked Dorie. “Because years ago it
caught fire,” she explained.
“The judgment of God!” Dorie responded impulsively. The fire seemed to have cleaned the room,
an intimation that someday the controversy between good and evil will end. Good will triumph over
evil. Evil will finally be eradicated. The entire universe will be clean and one united pulse of glad
harmony and pure love will beat throughout the earth.
Anticipation of that soon-to-come reality, and fellowship with its Author can and will sustain us
through each day’s pain until that glad tomorrow of no pain.
*Van Stone, Doris and Lutzer, Erwin, No Place to Cry. Moody Press, Chicago, 1990.

APPENDIX I
POWER OF THE WILL
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.”
Philippians 32:13
Why is it that less than two percent of people who lose weight keep it off? Why do New Year’s
resolutions so often fail? Why is the World War II generation considered “the greatest generation?”
Of course, the answer is multi-factorial. However, I would like to consider one pivotal answer,
which if rightly understood, could be better than medicine for some of my readers – the RIGHT
USE of the will. Each of us has a will and we all use it – sometimes for the better, sometimes for
the worse. What determines how we use it? What impacts the will?
Thinking Drives the Will
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Passive, reactive thinking forces the will into
despondency. In reactive thinking, we focus on stimuli, environment, or circumstances to the
exclusion of personal responsibility. “There is no way out.” “There is nothing I can do about it.”
“Can’t win for losing.” “They won’t listen, so why try?” “He makes me so mad!” “If only I had more.”
Words react upon character. Passive, reactive thinking, reflected in reactive language, sinks the
will as surely as multi-torpedo attacks sink a ship that has no adequate protection.
Proactive Thinking
Proactive thinking, while responding to the environment, takes an active approach in delving into
issues, exploring options, seeking appropriate counseling, and revolves around personal choices.
“I will explore other options.” “I can present this information in another way to gain their attention.”
“I choose to deal with my anger in healthy ways.” In proactive thinking, responses are deliberate
and based upon values that one has premeditatedly adopted. Proactive thinking strengthens the
will.
As someone who has had to struggle with major medical depression for at least half my life, I find
another kind of thinking launches me more quickly into a better pursuit of life–faith-active thinking.
Faith-active Thinking
Faith-active thinking, like proactive thinking, consciously appreciates the power of individual
choice, explores options, and takes responsibility for processing one’s feelings in healthy ways.
Faith-active thinking, however, is based upon values that God has designated and internalization
of His love. It explores options that would be in harmony with His principles.
Faith-active thinking reflects upon how God’s graciousness has led to small triumphs in our lives.
Obstacles and difficulties that now confront us are accepted as opportunities to grow.
Faith-active thinking, while humbly acknowledging past personal defeats, is not mired in them.
While it does not ignore feelings, it rests its final answer on God-based values and principles.
Emergency-Mode Thinking
Emergency-mode thinking also saps the will. Maybe because in younger years I helped in the
emergency room of a small rural hospital, I often find myself in this ultra-type-A thinking. I want
things done now, if not yesterday. Always bustling about, accomplishing the utmost in the least
amount of time possible so that no second is wasted robs us of reflective thinking and living out our
reflections, which are so necessary for the deliberate action of a purposeful will.

Emergency-mode thinking, if engaged in for long periods of time, will simply bankrupt the quality of
life. If I had a terminal illness, I don’t think I would wish that I had taught more classes, made more
money, and had everything in my home super-organized. I would probably wish that I had been a
kinder person, given more hugs, flowers, and peaches, and spent more time walking in nature. Too
often I have lived my life like the slave in a story I heard. The master told the slave that he would
give him free all the acres that he could walk around before sunset. After walking fast all morning,
sometimes running, toward sunset the slave started to run faster. “Gotta have more land, gotta
have more land to pass on to my children.” The slave slumped to his death just before sunset
without finishing the circle! Emergency-mode thinking can make us greedy and insensitive. Greed
and insensitivity corrupt the will. We need a vision of ourselves, as well as of our mission.
Irregularity
Have you noticed that it is so much more difficult to discipline appetite or the tongue when meals
are irregular, physical exercise is infrequent, and the hour of retirement is constantly being
postponed for the ever-present sense of urgency to get more done first? On an irregular schedule,
physical and mental fatigue occur three to four hours earlier. Physical and mental fatigue dampen
the will.
Purpose
A freedom-lover is captured by Cambodian communists. He is whipped, beaten and nearly starved
to death. His arms oozing with infections, he mixes human dung with water and then fertilizes the
rice paddies with bare arms and hands. One riveting purpose possesses him – to escape and get
his young daughter to freedom. Purpose strengthens the will.
Integrity
I like to think of integrity as the harmonious integration of the thoughts, motives, emotions, and
behavior into the purposes of God. Compartmentalization erodes the will. “I worked really hard
today.” “I managed that feat successfully.” “I deserve this extra piece of pie with a double scoop of
vanilla ice-cream!” This kind of thinking erects an artificial barrier where there is none. The mind
and the body are so closely connected that what affects one affects the other. How we live
physically affects the mind. Our emotions and attitudes influence our organs. The autonomic
nervous system communicates directly with our immune cells, the macrophages and lymphocytes.
Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the physical, mental, and
spiritual aspects of our being. Health and happiness contributes substantially to will power.
Motivation is the spring from which one’s will acts. However, under an enlightened conscience, the
will can affirm what is true and godly, empowering motivation and rejecting what is false and base.
True, wholesome motives are strengthened when we are committed to working through the roots
of bitterness with God, and when we refuse to let past hurts make us more suspicious and stunt
our behavior. Trials and obstacles permit us to recognize the roots of bitterness. As these are
eradicated, our will power grows.
Dealing with Injurious Habits
The habits that we wish to overcome are like Johnson-grass. Johnson-grass is a tall weed that is
especially abundant in our area. From a distance, it looks like a corn-stalk. Its roots grow very, very
deep. In fact, it grows as deep as several shovel lengths straight down. The foliage and the fruit
represent behavior. The stem, supporting and nourishing the behavior, represents thoughts and
feelings. The deep root system represents the purposes and motives. Chopping off a bad behavior,
without dealing sufficiently with the motives, thoughts, and feelings, will never eradicate a bad
habit. It will surface again, bigger than before. The motive of any harmful habit must be addressed
if success is to be achieved. It can’t be eliminated passively.
The Example of Lilo

Although persistence, determination, and ambition are important, Lilo Ljubisic, lecturer on
motivation, emphasizes “choice, commitment, and courage” as necessary for success. Choice, she
says, is an incredible tool for success even though she admits we humans do not always utilize it
as such. We don’t use it as profitably or successfully as we could. The choices we make result in
the quality of life we live.
Why should I or anyone else listen to Lilo? Lilo was apparently born normal at birth, but at an early
age she gradually began to lose her sight. At school, the only way she could read the blackboard
was to put her nose up close to it – so close that sometimes her nose would accidentally erase the
notes for the other students or her head would block their view. She finally retreated to the back
row and often used her binoculars to read the material on the board.
Lilo felt singled out, rejected, and ostracized, but she persevered in her leaning. Although her sight
rapidly deteriorated, a kind teacher taught her how to serve a volleyball. Several times she had
surgery to restore her sight, after which she could see, but only temporarily because of
complications. Then she would be plunged into darkness and devastation again.
Over a period of years, she became totally blind. But Lilo was determined to excel and chose
throwing the discus. With the training of a skilled professional and with courage, persistence, and
confidence in God, Lilo did excel. As a discus thrower, she won an Olympic gold medal in 1992.
Again, in the 1996 Olympics she won another medal. Her life confirms the power of commitment to
God, proactive choice, and persistent practice undergirded by faith in Him.
Cause-to-Effect Thinking
Emotional reasoning weakens the will. For example, “I feel like a failure, so I am a failure.” By
considering consequences, the front brain is activated giving us more power to succeed. While we
are to acknowledge our emotions, the front brain is in charge. Do you feel trapped in certain areas
of your life? The will is a rope from God to pull you up. Here are some helpful habits that will
strengthen your front brain and subsequently, your will.
Watch your thinking language. Check yourself for reactive thinking. Counter it. If you used reactive
language, acknowledge it verbally and correct it audibly. What we say audibly registers in the brain
more deeply than just thinking it.
Cultivate discipline in the areas of life adjacent to the problem. For example, obese people are
usually not prone to loving exercise that burns up calories. Do you have a problem controlling your
appetite? Set up specific times to exercise. Walk an extra seven minutes when you are thinking
about returning home.
Establish habits of regularity that include meditative thinking. Make a daily checklist that helps you
focus on your goals. Goal-planning fortifies the will and the front brain. Stress suppresses many
components of the immune system. When patients experiencing stress are given some focus of
control, these improve. Goals and checklists provide for this focus. Reflective thinking helps to
evaluate our goals. What values do you want to incorporate into your life? Establish small, specific
goals that will feed into your larger ones. Examine the day’s activities. What successes did you
experience? What diversions? What would be some constructive ways to overcome them? Journal
your successes and defeats. We often mistake our mission for our vision. What is your vision? Not
only do we need to make a personal mission statement but a vision statement as well.
Psychologist Elden Chalmers suggests that everyday we do something we dislike to build the will.
The practice of wise self-denial increases serotonin synthesis. Serotonin, one of the major
neurotransmitters, helps create and foster a good mood. Cheerfulness improves will power.
Appreciate conflicts as opportunities. Many of us think that all conflict is intrinsically evil and live in
continual dread of them. But conflicts provide opportunities for us to reassess our values and

priorities and to improve our communication skills. Should the worst happen and people misjudge
us, conflicts provide more bonding time with our Best Friend. Men of might and moral power have
often been baffled, thwarted, and opposed.
Florence Nightingale, opposed by a multitudinous bureaucracy, finally persisted in improving the
quality of nursing care in the Crimean War and raised professional nursing standards to new
heights. Before engaging the bureaucracy, she had to endure the many manipulations of her
parents, who were staunchly opposed to their daughter going into nursing, which at that time was
considered a dishonorable profession.
Physical Lifestyle
Fortify your physical lifestyle with balanced activity and good nutrition. Many studies show that
regular physical exercise reduces anger, hostility, and depression, and improves the outlook and
mood. Physical exercise actually facilitates learning and memory by improving synaptic
connections. B vitamins and other nutrients from whole gains, legumes, fruits, and vegetables, are
necessary to produce gamma-amino-butyric-acid (GABA), a major neurotransmitter involved in
self-control. Adequate amounts of vitamin B6 are necessary for production of both GABA and
serotonin. A well balanced vegetarian diet balances the mind, improving electrical activity in the
front brain and checking the electrical activity in the lower centers.
My neurophysiology teacher emphasizes that the brain is so connected with one’s motor system
that “the will goes with the labor of the hands.” I think of my sister. When in her twenties and facing
a severe posttraumatic stress syndrome, she was so depressed she didn’t feel she could do
anything. Living with an accusatory, paranoid mother didn’t help. But as she was praying, she said,
“Okay, God, my life is wasting away. I will do one job every day.” God responded, “NO, I want you
to do two.” She adhered to that commitment and soon she was able to work half-days.
By moderately reducing caloric intake now, most people can improve their later-life memory. Highfat diets reduce the oxygen-carrying ability of the red blood cells. The brain, significantly deprived
of oxygen by a high-fat diet, slows the response time of the will.
Caffeine, a psychoactive drug, decreases the blood flow to the cerebrum. It increases distractability
and impairs the ability of the mind to deal with high load, complex situations. It stimulates, only to
depress. Frequent and long-time use of caffeine decreases the important neurochemicals,
acetylcholine and serotonin. Acetylcholine is an excitatory neurotransmitter in the frontal lobe
which provides the power to initiate and to do. Serotonin contributes to a positive outlook on life.
Caffeine magnifies the effect of stressors in both the nervous and endocrine systems. It lowers the
threshold to anger, hostility, and resentment. The average American intake of coffee inhibits the
will.
Alcohol, toxic to the brain, impairs moral reasoning, judgment, and discernment, and decreases the
foresight essential to a healthy development of the will. Binge-drinking contributes to the hypercoagulability of platelets (increased blood clotting) and thus increases the risk of stroke caused by
hemorrhage in the brain. Within 24 hours just two or three drinks increase the risk of stroke 6 times
in men and 7.8 times in women!
Sleep deficiency saps the will, as well. PET scans show decreased activity in the frontal lobe with
sleep debt. Good quality sleep builds the will.
Success or failure, health confidence or querulous uncertainty, productive life or wasted
opportunities, deep satisfaction or constantly unfulfilled expectations – everything depends on the
right use of the will, the inalienable God-given power to chose.
The will may be incredibly weak due to a lifetime of abuse and prostitution to unworthy goals,
behavior, and activities. But it is still there, still respected by our Creator. Right thinking,
indomitable purpose, integrity, choice of positive language, appropriate self-discipline, wise selfdenial and discipline, regarding conflicts as opportunities, and a lifestyle emphasizing regular

physical purposeful activity, good nutrition, adequate regular sleep, and avoidance of mind
damaging drugs and practices – all require the right use of the will.
The good news is that God promises to empower our will by adding His all-powerful will to our
feeble, but determined effort. And He is always a majority. With Him, we cannot fail! “For it is God
who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” (Philippians 32:13)

APPENDIX J
BEING A FRIEND FOR LIFE
“Two are better than one.” Ecclesiastes 4:9
Living Alone
Senior citizen Jeff Fyfe lived alone in Sidney, Australia . . . and he preferred it that way. He seldom
answered the phone, perhaps because he was hard of hearing. His wife had died years earlier,
and only six-year-old Trixie, an Australian kelpie-border collie mix, kept him company. He seldom
received visitors except the occasional welcome visit from his daughter who tried to keep in touch
with him the best she could.
One day . . . wham! It felt like a baseball had slammed into his head. He tried to get up from his
bed but found that he couldn’t move his left arm or leg. Frightened, he desperately tried to make
sense of what was happening to him. The phone rang. It was probably his daughter calling to
remind him of her scheduled visit in nine days. However, Jeff couldn’t drag himself over to phone.
He was completely unable to move. He concluded he must have suffered a stroke while he was
asleep. Since he was a social recluse, no one would miss him. He began to scream, but no one
heard him. . . no one, that is, except Trixie.
The temperature in Jeff’s house was at least 90°F. With no way of getting water, he realized that
he would die a slow, miserable death. He drifted off to sleep and woke up crying for water, only to
realize that no one was there to bring him any. Or was there?
It wasn’t a neighbor who eventually figured out the meaning of his hoarse, mumbled cries. Jeff
could hear his dog lapping water from her bowl, making him even thirstier. He wished that Trixie
could bring him water. In jumbled words he muttered his request. Perhaps an angel interpreted his
garbled speech, “Tri…wader.” Trixie jumped up on Jeff’s bed and released a snoutful of water into
his mouth. Mouth-to-mouth hydration, you might call it.
For days, each time Jeff would call out for water, Trixie would come. Her water bowl ran dry, but
the dog ingeniously got a towel and dipped it in the toilet bowl. Gratefully, he sucked on the soaked
towel. Days passed. The phone rang occasionally. After nine days, his daughter did come and he
was rushed to the hospital. In spite of his ordeal, Jeff survived.
Spiritual Applications
When I read this story in a book by Brad Steiger called Animal Miracles, Inspirational and Heroic
True Stories, I became alarmed. Jeff’s ordeal could have been cut short considerably had he
encouraged social connections and had someone checking on him every day. His daughter knew
Jeff loved his independence, but she failed to recognize that independence without regular social
support can become dangerous. Or perhaps she was uncomfortable with her dad’s hermit
tendency but didn’t know what to do about it.
Ellen White calls this need for social connections the “law of mutual dependence.” Solomon
expressed it this way: “Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For
if they fall, one will lift up his companion; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no
one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one be warm
alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord
is not quickly broken.” Eccl 4:9-12 NKJV
As a church, are we reaching out to lonely individuals who are pinned down by a mental illness or
limited because of some personality quirk? Perhaps they are paralyzed by fear. They are in need
of encouragement, as well. Although we hesitate to admit it, we have individuals in our church, on
our campus, and in our community who are as limited in their ability to reach out for help as those

who have more obvious physical impairments. Gentle caring on a regular basis, in a manner they
would consider acceptable and appropriate, might afford some comfort to these souls.
Jeff would have received help much sooner had he had available systematic support and
relationships. Today, some of us need to go beyond our busy schedules and develop a systematic
plan of encouragement. Others of us need to reach out amid our pride and stifling mundane
schedules of events and seize precious opportunities to receive support from others.
Facts
·
Scientists have discovered that perceived social isolation or loneliness predisposes individuals
to diseases by increasing the body’s reactivity to stress and diminishing repair processes.
According to studies, lonely individuals or those without adequate social support or companionship
have less efficient sleep and poor wound healing.
·
Researchers at the University of Chicago found that socially isolated young adults rated their
everyday stress as more tense and coped more passively when compared to those who were
socially involved. They also experienced less efficient sleep and poor wound healing.
·
Animal studies show that social isolation produces a significant inflammation response,
especially in females. Isolation, perceived or otherwise, increases pro-inflammatory agents in
human beings, as well. On the other hand, studies show that those individuals who were socially
integrated had fewer inflammatory markers. This is important because inflammation fuels most
chronic and autoimmune diseases.
·
The Mayo Clinic found that a low social support network is equivalent to many of the classic
risk factors of 1-year mortality from a heart attack (i.e. elevated cholesterol level, tobacco use, and
hypertension). In other words, lack of friendships increases the risk of dying from a heart attack
within one year, and the value of meaningful relationships is as important as lowering cholesterol,
controlling high blood pressure, and stopping smoking in recovery from a heart attack.
·
Lack of social support is an independent risk factor in promoting cognitive decline in the
elderly. In Alzheimer’s patients, cognitive deficiency was less in those with a history of good social
support.
·
Adequate social support promotes adherence to diabetic regimens and may act as a buffer
against negative effects from this disease. It also improves the efficiency of the immune system
and the prognosis for stroke victims.

APPENDIX K
STAYING CONNECTED
“And this commandment have we from Him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.” 1 John
4:21
Recently, both CBS and ABC News reported that according to a 1985 survey done by the
University of Arizona and Duke University, individuals were found to have an average of three
close confidants. Today, that average has declined from three to two, a decrease by one-third over
approximately twenty years. In addition, about 25% of individuals today feel that they have no one
in which they can confide. Sociologists conducting this study describe this drop as “dramatic.”
Lonely Hearts
Studies show that social isolation and/or loneliness predict morbidity and mortality from cancer,
cardiovascular disease, and a host of other causes. In fact, the body perceives loneliness as a
threat. Redford Williams and his colleagues at Duke University directed a study in 1992 on heart
patients and their relationships. They discovered that 50% of patients with heart disease who did
not have a spouse or someone to confide in died within five years, while only 18% of those who did
have a confidant died. The Mayo Clinic found that lack of friendships increased the risk of dying
from a heart attack within one year, and that the value of meaningful relationships was as
important as lowering cholesterol, controlling high blood pressure and high lipids, and stopping
smoking in recovery from a heart attack.
Depressed Immunity
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, studied the effect of loneliness on
antibodies in healthy freshmen when given a flu vaccine. Antibodies are the immune CIA agents
which help the white blood cells identify germs. They found that “elevated levels of loneliness
throughout the semester and small social networks were independently associated with poorer
antibody response to one component of the vaccine. Those with both high levels of loneliness and
a small social network had the lowest antibody response.” (1) Loneliness also significantly reduces
natural killer cell activity. Like efficient air force bombers, natural killer cells drop molecular bombs
that penetrate viruses’ defenses. Some of their “bombs” attack the virus’ command center. They
also destroy cancer cells. Early studies suggest that lonelier medical students and psychiatric
inpatients had less efficient natural killers and killer-T function than their counterparts who reported
less loneliness. (Killer-T lymphocytes also destroy viruses and cancer cells). According to Janice
K. Kiecolt-Glaser, “The support provided by social relationships can serve as a buffer during both
acute and chronic stressors, protecting against immune dysregulation.” (2)
Another study found that women with breast cancer who perceived they had substantial social
support had greater natural killer cell activity than those women who also had breast cancer, but
little social support. Even in women with metastastic breast cancer, studies showed that greater
quality of social support was associated with “lower cortisol concentrations in women with
metastatic breast cancer,” which indicates healthier neuroendocrine functioning. However, cortisol
levels were higher among patients “who reported less appraisal, belonging, and tangible support.”
(3) This is also true in women who have ovarian cancer. (4,5)
Oral Health
Dr. Anwart Merchant and his colleagues studied 42,523 male, U.S.-based, health or medical
professionals. Interestingly enough, over half of these were dentists! Subjects who reported having
at least one close friend had a 30% lower risk of developing periodontitis compared with those who
did not have any close friend. Men who participated in religious meetings or services had a 27%
lower risk of developing periodontitis compared with men who did not participate in religious

meetings. Their conclusion? “When treating patients with periodontitis, clinicians should be
cognizant of the social and behavioral factors that may affect oral health.”
For All Ages
Connectedness is essential to children’s well being. A sample of 2,022 students (999 boys and
1,023 girls) ages 12-14 years were measured at two time points twelve months apart on school
connectedness and mental health symptoms (general functioning, depression, and anxiety
symptoms). After adjusting for any prior conditions that could have led to mental health problems,
the authors of the study reported stronger than previous evidence of the association with school
connectedness and adolescent depressive symptoms and a predictive link between school
connectedness to future mental health problems. (7) Early studies suggest that there are
substantial percentages of violent youth who do not perceive themselves to be liked by classmates
and report loneliness.
Spiritual Applications
Even Jesus needed connectedness with other human beings. Not only did He reach out to God the
Father, during His mental crisis in the Garden of Gethsemane, but He also reached out to His
earthly friends – Peter, James, and John. Without healthy mutual interdependence, our spiritual
defenses to the sin virus will eventually be overwhelmed just like loneliness and social isolation
lower our resistance to viruses and cancer.
In addition, most of the fruits of the Spirit can be best developed in the context of relationships. The
apostle John observed that we can’t really love God unless we have some love for our brothers.
(See 1 John 4:20)
Family revivals, family first movements – we need them. The prophet Malachi mentions the
importance of this. However, in our eagerness to bond with and protect our children, we can
sometimes go the other extreme which can lead to social exclusiveness.
Remember the counsel, “There are many others to whom we might make our homes a blessing. . .
The Israelites, in all their festivities, included the poor, the stranger, and the Levite. . . These were
regarded as the guests of the people, to share their hospitality on all occasions of social and
religious rejoicing, and to be tenderly cared for in sickness or in need. It is such as these whom we
should make welcome in our homes. How much such a welcome might do to cheer and encourage
the missionary nurse or the teacher, the care-burdened, hard-working mother, or the feeble and
aged, so often without a home.” (8) (See also Luke 14:12-14)
“Our sympathies are to overflow the boundaries of self and the enclosure of family walls. There are
precious opportunities for those who will make their homes a blessing to others. Social influence is
a wonderful power. We can use it if we will as a means of helping those about us. (8)
We may try Family Sabbath School, but let us remember to invite singles to participate, too. Some
singles need more exposure to children. Children teach us so much. They give us so much
pleasure as well as perplexity. The church needs this interaction. Families, how about inviting a
single church member to your house at least once every two months? Can’t afford it because of
tight finances or limited time to prepare? Ask them to bring a dish along. A more integrated society
encourages the development of an integrated personality. Our happiness and health depends
upon the harmonious development of the physical, mental, social, and spiritual aspects. Too much
introversion, be it in individuals, families, or social cliques, eventually leads to a social disconnect
which limits our spiritual outreach and undermines the health of individuals, the church, and
society.
References

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.

Health Psychol. 2005 Jul;24(4):348.
Psychosomatic Medicine 64:15-28; 2002.
Psychosomatic Medicine 62:337-345, 2000.
Psychosomatic Medicine, Vol 52, Issue 1 73-85, 1990.
Journal of Clinical Oncology, Vol 23, No 28 (October 1), 2005: pp. 7105-7113.
Am Dent Assoc, Vol 134, No 12, 1591-1596, 2003.
J Clin Child Adolesc Psychol. 2006 Jun;35(2):170-9.
The Ministry of Healing, p. 352-355.

Health News
Fruits and Vegetables
“Fruit and vegetable consumption is associated with lower rates of coronary heart disease. Results
from observational studies suggest a similar association with stroke. Seven studies were eligible
for the meta-analysis, including 90,513 men, 141,536 women, and 2,955 strokes. The risk of stroke
was decreased by 11% for each additional portion per day of fruit, by 5% for fruit and vegetables,
and by 3% for vegetables. The association between fruit or fruit and vegetables and stroke was
linear, suggesting a dose-response relationship.” Neurology 2005, October, 25,65(8):E17-18.
Another study consisted of 257,551 individuals (4,917 stroke events) with an average follow-up of
thirteen years. Compared with individuals who had less than three servings of fruit and vegetables
per day, the pooled relative risk of stroke was decreased by 11% for those with three to five
servings per day, and 26% lower for those who ate more than five servings per day. Subgroup
analyses showed that fruit and vegetables had significant protective effects on strokes caused by
reduced blood flow to the brain or hemorrhages within the brain. Lancet, January 2006.
Highly sensitive C-reactive protein (hsCRP) is a proven method to predict diabetes and
cardiovascular risk. Serum concentrations of hsCRP were measured in an apparently healthy
population whose ages ranged between 19-75 and who were put on two diets: lacto-ovovegetarian diet and traditional mixed diet (non-vegetarian). The average hsCRP was significantly
reduced in the vegetarian group. “Low and age independent concentration of hsCRP in
vegetarians is the consequence of a long-term consumption of fruits and vegetables. These food
commodities are important sources of dietary salicylates as well as other anti-inflammatory
compounds.” Bratisl Lek Listy. 2005;106(11):345-7. It is recommended that anyone with elevated
blood cholesterol, triglycerides (blood fats), diabetes, or hypertension get this test.
Consumption of fruit and vegetables is associated with a reduced risk of death from all causes
including heart disease and stroke. In a recent study, the bioavailability of vitamin C from a
Mediterranean vegetable soup (gazpacho) consisting predominantly of tomato, pepper, and
cucumber was evaluated. Drinking gazpacho (500 ml/day) significantly increased plasma
concentrations of vitamin C and also significantly decreased pro-inflammatory agents that
encouraged cardiovascular disease. Nutr Biochem. 2006 Mar;17(3):183-9. Epub 2005 Aug 15.
What is the relationship between fruit and vegetable intake to cognitive function and decline among
aging women? Participants were followed from 1976 with biennial questionnaires. Food frequency
questionnaires were administered in 1984, 1986, and every four years thereafter. From 1995 to
2001, six cognitive tests were administered via telephone measuring general cognition, verbal
memory, category fluency, and working memory. The assessments were repeated two years later
for 13,388 women (>90% follow-up). Fruits were not associated with cognition or cognitive decline.
However, total vegetable intake was significantly associated with fewer declines. Specifically, on a
global score combining all tests, women in the highest quintile of cruciferous vegetables declined
slower (compared with the lowest quintile). Women who ate the greatest amount of green leafy
vegetables also experienced slower decline than women consuming the least amount of greens.
Ann Neurol. 2005 May;57(5):713-20.

Stress
“Psychosocial stress exerts independent adverse effects on cardiovascular health. The recent
INTERHEART study reported that psychosocial stress accounted for approximately 30% of the
attributable risk of acute myocardial infarction.” Recent studies consistently indicate that hostility,
depression, and anxiety are all related to increased risk of coronary heart disease and
cardiovascular death. “A sense of hopelessness, in particular, appears to be strongly correlated
with adverse cardiovascular events and outcomes.” Psychosocial stress adversely affects
autonomic nervous system and hormonal regulation of the cardiovascular system, resulting in
inflammation, insulin resistance, and impaired ability of blood vessels to dilate. “Additionally, stress
is often associated with self-destructive behavior and noncompliance with medications.
Psychosocial stress is a highly modifiable risk and many factors have been shown to be protective.
These include psychosocial support, regular exercise, stress reduction training, a sense of humor,
optimism, altruism, faith, and pet ownership. Simple screening questions are available to reliably
indicate a patient at risk for psychosocial stress-related health problems.” Curr Atheroscl Rep,
March, 2006.
Solomon observed that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7). “Anxiety is a
complex feeling of uneasiness, fear, and worry, which has been associated with pulmonary,
cardiovascular, and other adverse health conditions. The aim of this work is to examine the
association of the anxious state with inflammation and coagulation (clotting) factors, in persons
free of cardiovascular disease.” Undesirable clot formation contributes to 80% of heart attacks.
Chronic inflammation pushes atherosclerosis. “From May 2001 to December 2002 we randomly
enrolled 453 men (19 to 89 years old) and 400 women (18 to 84 years old) stratified by age and
gender, from Attica area, Greece.” This study revealed that anxiety was associated with
inflammation and coagulation markers in cardiovascular disease-free people. Atherosclerosis, April
2006.
Nuts
Nuts and seeds are rich in unsaturated fat and other nutrients that may reduce inflammation.
Frequent nut consumption is associated with lower risk of cardiovascular disease and type 2
diabetes. Columbia University researchers evaluated the frequency of nut and seed consumption
on inflammatory markers associated with cardiovascular disease. After adjusting for common
cardiovascular risk factors, they found that frequent nut and seed consumption was associated
with lower levels of inflammatory markers, which may partially explain the inverse association of
nut consumption with cardiovascular disease and diabetes risk. Am J Epidemiol. 2006 Feb
1;163(3): 222-31.
Milk Thistle
Milk thistle is a potent antioxidant that destroys free radicals. Free radicals, which are not
contained in the power plants of cells or in the cells’ garbage disposals, damage membranes of
cells, DNA, and other essential molecules. Damage from free radical damage is an essential player
in chronic degenerative diseases. The antioxidant quality of milk thistle is 10 times greater than
that of vitamin E. Milk thistle, as a natural COX-2 inhibitor, also exerts anti-inflammatory effects on
the body’s tissues.
Milk thistle is especially helpful for anyone who is at risk for developing liver disease. This would
include anyone who is grossly obese (or has a significant pot-belly) diabetic, or is taking drugs –
prescription or otherwise. Studies show that the active constituent in milk thistle, silymarin, reduces
elevated liver enzymes. Early studies demonstrate that silymarin can also reduce liver damage
caused by certain mind-altering drugs. Another compound in this herb, silbinin, actually stimulates
protein synthesis and thus repairs and regenerates liver cells. Milk thistle also improves the ability
of the liver to detoxify cancer-producing agents. However, the liver cannot fully recover as long as
harmful lifestyle habits persist.

Not only does milk thistle benefit the cells and liver, it also helps to protect the kidneys from free
radical damage and poisons. It even simulates overall kidney repair by improving their ability to
synthesize protein.
Over a period of several weeks, milk thistle can reduce high blood sugar. It also can be helpful in
reducing several diabetic complications. Stories show that silybin in milk thistle significantly
reduces elevated sorbitol in Type II diabetes. Excessive sorbitol damages the nerves and can
eventfully lead to neuropathy. Neuropathy can be manifested as numbness, tingling, burning, and
pain in extremities It can also interfere the heart rate or rhythm. Diabetes is a pro-oxidant condition
which generates excessive amounts of free radicals. The antioxidants in milk thistle help to
counteract these dangerous molecules.
Side effects from milk thistle are uncommon. However, women who are pregnant or individuals
who are taking medications should check with their pharmacist to prevent any possible adverse
herb-drug interaction. Because the active ingredient, silymarin, does not dissolve well in water, it
should not be taken as a tea, but in standardized capsule form with meals.
References
1.
2.

Sonnenbichler, J: Jpharmacol Exp Ther 290(3): 1375-83.
Zhao JH, Carcinogenesis, 20(11): 2101-2108,199.

APPENDIX L
CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
“There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24
Foundational to the universe and life itself are relationships. Why do we need personal
relationships with others, especially when they so often go awry? What are the distinctions
between healthy and unhealthy relationships? Are relationships really worth the trouble? Not only
can they cost time, money, and energy, but they can often lead to stress and an obsessiveness
with meeting other people’s needs. Why then are they essential to our health and well-being?
First, we were made in the likeness of God, and God Himself has a relational aspect of His
character. He is in relationship to other members of the Trinity and to His created beings. He
created us to enjoy relationships. God chooses to reveal His personal character traits either by
contrast or comparison through human individuals – imperfect as those individuals might be.
Loving others is a result of loving Him. (1, 2)
Then, too, the grand attributes of life – love, mercy, sympathy, righteousness, and graciousness –
can be understood and enjoyed only in the context of mutual social interaction. None of these
virtues can even exist without some degree of involvement with others in meaningful relationships.
As we extend these qualities to others, they are often reflected back to us and as a result, we
become happier and more helpful individuals.
We also need relationships to complement each other and balance our weaknesses and
limitations. Even interpersonal conflicts can strengthen us if we put forth the effort to explore issues
and reassess, wrestle, and affirm or upgrade the values we esteem. As we struggle with conflicting
issues, our values and principles become clearer and we become more focused on what truly is
important.
Isolation, on the other hand, can lead to a variety of problems. The Bible explains that a lack of
healthy relationships can contribute to addictions. A hardening of one’s heart (lack of concern for
God and others) can lead to self-deceitfulness, a loss of sensitivity, and ultimately, submission to
sensuality (addictions). (3) Love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, and gentleness must first be
accepted, internalized, and somewhat practiced before self-control (including victory over
addictions) can be realized. (4)
However great the potential for mutual enjoyment and the benefits relationships confer, they can
also become equally as devastating if entered into with a spirit of codependency. What exactly are
codependent relationships and why are they important to recognize?
Codependency is a persistent attempt to control painful internal thoughts and feelings by
manipulating external circumstances in harmful and maladaptive ways. The codependent
individual’s life revolves around one thing, one pursuit, or one person to the detriment or exclusion
of balanced perspectives and priorities. Like cancer cells, codependency ignores natural
boundaries and subverts energy, time, and resources to feed itself. Any kind of codependency
“may include (1) lack of social competence, (2) low resistance to emotional stress, and (3) poor
choices in expressing impulses.” (4)
To avoid confronting the resurfacing, devastating pain, ungodly strategies – like drugs, alcohol,
binge-eating, compulsive gambling, and many others – are entered upon to anesthetize the hurting
soul. Since ungodly strategies never heal, the disease continues to run its course. Adding to the
pain of deprivation is the consequential pain resulting from poor choices and ungodly strategies.
Guilt, shame, and a broken relationship accrue interest, so that when another crisis erupts, as it
invariably will, the soul finds itself bankrupt and worse . . . destitute of hope.

Children reared in families with high stress and low nurturing are at high risk for developing
codependency. It need not have been that the family was outright abusive. The parents might have
been obsessed with work, social engagements, chronic illness, or had an unusually high level of
unrealistic expectations, or perfectionist, performance-oriented thinking, depriving their children of
sufficient nurturing and guidance. As children perceive manipulation, chronic low self-worth,
suppressed feelings, avoidance behavior, perfectionist thinking in their parents and significant
others, the software of their impressionable minds accepts such behavior as normal. (5) Without
adequate help and counseling, children raised in a dysfunctional family will repeat the behaviors
modeled by their parents in their adulthood, although not necessarily in the same ways. They may
resort to drugs, alcohol, food addictions, repeated infatuations, or some other more acceptable
form of dysfunction, such as spending inordinate amounts of time, energy, and money in their work
of rescuing others.
Warning Signs
A codependent individual often becomes engaged in unhealthy relationships. He may become
addicted to one special person who may or may not reinforce his over-dependence on him. In their
book, Love Is A Choice, psychiatrists Frank Minirth and Paul Meier describe what propels a person
into a codependent relationship. Here are some cardinal warning signs of a co-dependent
relationship. (6)
1. An individual afflicted with codependency suffers from low self-esteem and loss of self-identity.
He compulsively and predominately draws his sense of worth from one particular individual who at
first affirms him. His happiness depends solely on another individual. His moods reflects theirs.
2. In an effort to obtain love, codependent individuals unwittingly mistake infatuation, mutual lovehunger, physical attraction, and affections as genuine love.
3. They become compulsively obsessed with the other person, unable to let go. They feel unduly
responsible for the actions and feelings of the other. This becomes dangerous because when this
happens, the person can no longer make a decision based upon what is right. Rather, his
decisions are based upon how he thinks the other person will respond. He over-extends himself in
his efforts to help the other person. His entire world revolves around that one individual to the
exclusion of balanced priori
ties and development of other important relationships. Wise
counseling is essential to help him develop a healthy perspective.
4. When other individuals confront him about his codependency, he vigorously denies that a
problem exists, or he devalues their concern and downplays the seriousness of the situation.
5. The codependent person’s bondage to possessiveness, jealousy, exclusiveness, and his
ability to choose, robs him, his partner, and society of elevated virtues. The following interpersonal
dynamics fuel a codependent relationship. (6)
· A false intimacy. The closeness that is at first so appealing degrades itself into controlling
manipulation that sabotages the boundaries of both parties.
· Possessiveness, jealousy, and suspicion. “If you use up your energies with other individuals
and see how fun they are to be with, you will lose interest in me.” With his exclusivity and narrow
focus, the codependent individual attempts to shut out the company and needs of others in order to
spend an inordinate amount of time alone with his special person.
· Unnatural curiosity about the other person’s life leads to his intervention into his partner’s
private affairs and other relationships – personal habits, business arrangements, and other
matters. Eavesdropping is not recognized as an intrusion of privacy.
· Inability to choose, combined with a shallow illusion of strength, cripples the will of a
codependent individual. Even in physically abusive relationships, a wife might not leave her
husband for fear of emotional consequences. “He is all I have. I have no other resources.” A
feeling of panic can arise when the other partner starts to negotiate boundaries. “If you pull back
from me or we turn down the volume on our relationship, I will lose strength and cease to exist. But
if you fill my needs for love, affirmation, and affection, I will fill yours.”
· A fear of abandonment often underlies codependencies.
Freeing Ourselves

How can we avoid being sucked into the pit of codependency? How can we free ourselves if we
find ourselves in a codependent relationship or have codependent tendencies? This article cannot
give tailor-made answers for each individual, but it can offer broad solutions for help and hope.
A codependent individual is disconnected from others except for one person, and in a sense – from
God. His final value is in himself. His obsession is with his own inadequacy. “Am I able to keep this
one relationship going? All my others have failed.” In ungodly independence he plans and
manipulates another to assuage his pain, not thinking of his friend. His denied longing prompts him
to self-justified selfishness. “I’ll get what I can to end this pain,” he cries, unconscious of his own
and others’ legitimate needs. (7)
In order to overcome any injurious habit, we must substitute the bad with good. Avoiding or
extricating oneself from an unhealthy relationship does not consist of withdrawing reflexively from
any connection with contempt and disgust, but in developing a variety of healthy connections with
varying degrees of intimacy. Absence of social support is a major social risk factor in the
development of depression. One internist observed after studying the research on the topic that
“there is a compelling connection between depression and the lack of social support.” (8) In
addition, distrust of others, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and suppression of emotions weaken
the immune system, while openness, trust, successful coping skills, and social support strengthen
the immune system. (9) To avoid or recover from codependency, one must distribute concerns,
time, means, and energy among several individuals rather than focusing on the needs and
contributions of just one.
Cultivate balance within your life. Because health and happiness depend upon that harmonious
development of the mental, physical, spiritual, social, emotional, and volitional dimensions of our
being, our time should consist of varying activities that recharge our batteries so that we can serve
society better and more wisely. A pie-chart of how we actually distribute our time can help us take
inventory of our priorities, personality, and relationships, reinforcing the need for balance in our
lives.
Consider the motivations of the soul. I admit I sometimes have viewed codependent friendships
and romances with a less than honorable, unsympathetic disgust. However, I suspect that most of
us have lurking within us subtle motivations and sprouting seeds of potential for codependency.
With faltering account-keeping of our own souls, we inadvertently try to manage our assets like we
would a retirement portfolio. Psychologist Larry Crabb spells it out in his book Connecting. He
notices that human beings have at least four agendas. (10) When carried to extreme, they
encourage codependencies or other maladaptive responses to the problems of life.
1.
2.
3.
4.

Depending on one’s own resources to make life successful.
Reducing the mystery of life to manageable strategies and following them.
Making it a priority to minimize personal risks.
Finding satisfaction whenever we can.

I suppose all of the above agendas have advantages and merits to some extent, but as we
increasingly focus more on these agendas and become less God- and other-oriented, we become
egocentric and cripple our usefulness and even happiness in this world. We use these agendas to
take advantage of others. With our psuedo-gods of defense, we are in a codependent mode of
operation, using externals to suppress fears so we don’t have to deal with them! We really
understand the perspectives of God and His instruction only when we are actively connecting with
Him.
One danger resulting from codependency is that we derive our self-worth from something or
someone outside ourselves. While it is important to our growth to receive feedback and appreciate
constructive criticism, it is dangerous to let position, money, our work, or loved ones define who we
are. The codependent individual feels as if his pain defines him. Cowering with pain, he seeks a
better definition of himself. Permanent progress can be achieved only when one realizes God
actually loves him or else He would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem

him. Despite past blunders and present devastation, the grace of God is open to all who seek it. In
order to overcome any type of codependency, the codependent individual must purposefully reject
and renounce the values the offender(s) has/have put upon his life and replace them with God’s
evaluation of him. As this happens and he understands something of God’s love for him, he shifts
his trust away from things, position, and unhealthy relationships, toward God.
Treat the root of the disease. Don’t exchange one addiction for another. I have seen individuals
give up alcohol to become addicted to work – a more acceptable form. These individuals work
rather than get essential sleep, overextend themselves, and always compete with the clock. Their
self-worth is based upon productivity, often valuing the desired product above people, becoming
irritated when interrupted. Workaholics use work to avoid people or nagging problems of the soul,
find it difficult to relax, and often work to the detriment of good lifestyle practices that would
preserve health, while shelving their family and other essential priorities. (11)
Although alcohol may no longer destroy a workaholic’s health, sleep deprivation weakens his
immune system. (9) His family still will suffer from his absence. Workaholism is now the escape.
Emotional and personal needs persist and negatively motivate the workaholic because they are not
being met in healthy ways. But emotional needs as well as temporal needs must be met, or else
our emotional poverty will enter like a thief. Unmet emotional needs embezzle the soul. Just as we
need to spend time to supply our temporal needs, we must take time for our psycho-spiritual
needs. (12)

The fear of abandonment needs to be seriously addressed. This is done by countering faulty
thinking patterns (common in codependency) that need to be uprooted. For example, all-or-none
thinking says, “If she has other friends, she won’t love me as much.” That is not true since true love
is expansive and inclusive. Generalization thinking says, “I have to keep my abusive spouse.
Anyhow, no one else one will support me.” Unrealistic should-thinking says, “I will do anything to
keep him (even sacrifice principle). I should help him solve all his problems. He won’t survive if he
leaves me.” This type of thinking needs to be countered by unobscured values, logic, clear
boundaries, personal accountability, and healthy alternative perspectives. For many people this will
mean securing constructive counseling. The blame-game here just intensifies the problem.
For the fear of abandonment nothing works as effectively as internalizing the love and presence of
God. I have experienced codependency to some extent myself. Compensating for several real
disabilities and many perceived limitations, my work became a pseudo-god. Always fearful of not
having a job, I fought my insecurities by engaging in seemingly positive enterprises, tackling more
than I could wisely handle, and neglecting personal needs until my physical and mental health
were jeopardized. Shame and persistence clouded even my good actions. I was often motivated by
self-protection. Only by realization of the grace and goodness of Jesus have I had the courage to
confront the inherent evil within me. Without it I would be impervious to genuine empathy. I would
be unable to connect with anyone for mutual benefit. Although I still have some significant battles
ahead of me, I have much more peace and joy in my life than ever before. I have found Him to be
the absolute healing of abandonment and its rage that I have experienced as the adult child of a
dysfunctional family. I finally know that even when I feel so alone, misunderstood, embarrassed, or
deserted, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (13) Indeed, He is the answer.
REFERENCES
1. 1 John 4:20, 7; 3:4, The Bible.
2. Cloud, H., Changes that Heal. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1990,
pp. 45-81.
3. Ephesians 4:18, 19, The Bible.
4. Galatians 5:22, 23, The Bible, RSV.
5. Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993,
pp. 74-75.

6. Hemfelt, R., et al., Love is a Choice. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1989.
7. Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 81.
8. Nedley, N., Depression The Way Out. Nedley Publishing, Ardmore, Oklahoma, 2001, p. 45.
9. Hall, E.J., Want to Bolster Your Immune System? Lifestyle Will Help! The Journal of Health &
Healing, 23(3):16-19, 2001.
10. Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 91.
11.Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993,
pp. 114-117.
12.Proverbs 6:10, 11, The Bible, KJV, ASV.
13.Proverbs 18:24, The Bible.

APPENDIX M
COUNSELS FROM THE CARPENTER OF NAZARETH
“Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is
good, that he may have to give to him that has need.” Ephesians 4:28
Thirty-five years ago, my life was quite a contrast to what I now perceive as normal and sometimes
take for granted today. My sophomore year of college found me succeeding academically but
collapsing emotionally and psychologically. Life at home was far than ideal. My father had long ago
disappeared from our family, and my mother, who suffered from schizophrenia, only caused the
depression I was struggling with to grow darker and thicker around me. Approaching a mental
breakdown, I found myself at Wildwood. As the days and months passed and I began to improve, I
faced a dilemma: What should I do now? My stay at Wildwood was soon coming to an end, and I
felt that college and home were not healthy, viable options. Thumbing through the Bible one day, I
happened upon Ephesians 4:28, “Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working
with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that has need.”
I was impressed that this text was a key to one of the many doors I needed to pass through in my
quest for health and happiness. I had not stolen money or belongings, but my depression and lack
of practical experience had robbed humanity of any good I might have had to offer. “Let him labor,
working with his hands the thing which is good . . .” Here is a valuable insight into developing a
healthy body and spirit—useful, manual labor for the benefit of others. Knowing that Wildwood
provided this component which I needed in order to regain my health, I decided to remain.
Recently, Reader’s Digest published an article predicting a shortage of skilled workers lacking 4year degrees. In Biblical times, every priest was required to be skilled in a manual trade which he
could rely upon in times of necessity. Paul, the classic example, was a tent-maker. If we are all
considered “priests” for Christ (1 Peter 2:9), does this principle still apply? A profession is helpful,
but a profession and knowing a practical trade can be even more valuable. Why did Jesus choose
to be a carpenter? Perhaps engaging in a trade which utilizes not only our mental faculties but also
our hands helps to refine and ennoble our character.
Benefits of Manual Labor
1. Strengthens the front brain
Spirituality, conscience, initiative, the will, the ability to plan and execute decisions, and the motor
centers which regulate gross and discreet movements are all located in the front brain. Motivated,
manual labor strengthens the front brain more than mental work alone. Perhaps this is why Ellen
White wrote that “the will goes with the labor of the hands” (Ministry of Healing, p. 239), and that
gardening will “quicken the mind and refine and elevate the character” (Adventist Home, p. 142).
Dr. Bernell Baldwin, neurophysiologist and worldwide lecturer, stated, “Motivated work integrates
the brain. The motor centers of the brain are in the center of the cerebrum. Unlike video games
and computers, useful, constructive work gives sensory balance to the mind.” Educators are aware
of the detriments of introducing computers to students before they have had sufficient exposure to
the practical arts of life—cooking, sewing, basic carpentry, gardening, and housekeeping. Dr.
Baldwin was a carpentry journeyman before he became a neurophysiologist. Computers are
valuable, but they can never replace motivated, thought-provoking manual labor in the building of
intellect and character.
2. Improves eye-hand coordination
Good eye-hand coordination is essential in developing good response times. To reach for an
object, the brain must transmit visual inputs of an object to the motor area of the brain which
regulates hand and arm movement. As we age, reaction time generally slows. Studies show that
elderly who engage in regular aerobic exercise have better response times than younger
individuals who engage in minimal physical exercise (if all other factors are constant). Therefore,
unless hindered by degenerative diseases, elderly should be encouraged to participate in daily
manual labor.

3. Improves balance and coordination
This decreases the risk of falling in the elderly.
4. Helps to prevent depression and anxiety
Long-term or major depression reduces the blood flow and electrical currents of the front brain and
depletes it of important chemicals, such as serotonin. It also activates the amygdala located near
the middle of the brain which stores fear-related emotions. As the amygdala becomes overactive in
depression, fear often overrides trust in God, the will is eroded, and initiative declines. Wholesome
motivation deteriorates into fear-dominated self-protection.
Depression and chronic anxieties are serious and prevalent diseases. In order for them to be
overcome, automatic, negative, self-defeating thoughts and actions must be consciously replaced
with positive ones. This requires activation of the front brain.
The two motor systems which control fine and gross movements are located toward the back of the
front brain and in the center of the cerebrum. By engaging in simple carpentry, gardening, sewing,
and similar activities, a depressed or anxious individual can feed positive inputs into the front brain,
helping to override negative tendencies. The sense of accomplishment derived from a task well
done improves future positive motivation. The blood flow within the brain becomes balanced, and
the chemistry in the front brain improves. Frequent physical exercise associated with many types
of manual labor enhances the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter involved in maintaining
self-control and a positive outlook, and norepinephrine, a natural anti-depressant in the brain.
Several factors, however, usually contribute to depression, and each needs to be addressed.
Useful, pleasant, mind-engaging manual labor is a valid therapy in the treatment of depression.
The hippocampus located in the temporal lobe of the brain is a key factor in learning and memory
and is an important mood regulator. Major depression, chronic anxiety, prolonged stress, and
alcohol shrink the hippocampus. Brain-derived nerve growth factor protects brain cells in the
hippocampus, acts as fertilizer to the synapses, and stimulates the development of new synapses
within the hippocampus. A variety of combined physical and mental exercises accompanied by
adequate vitamin D, a diet low in sugar and high-fat foods, and good quality sleep, will increase
brain-derived nerve growth factor. The mind will become brighter and clearer, and learning will
become faster and more efficient. The sooner children and teenagers adopt these lifestyle
principles, the sharper will be their intellects and the more ennobled their characters. Industrial arts
training, home economics, and school gardening programs will not only improve the health of our
front brains, but also provide a blessing to our communities and those with whom we can share the
works of our hands.

5. Development of the left brain
The cerebrum, the upper 7/8 of the brain, is divided into two hemispheres. The left hemisphere is
concerned with logic, sequential reasoning, mechanics, mathematics, and language. The right
hemisphere emphasizes music, art, emotions, imagination, and social skills. Both are necessary
and are integrated and coordinated by an extensive nerve tract called the corpus collosum.
Individuals with greater activity in the left hemisphere show greater efficiency in resisting disease
than those with greater activity in the right.
Lower activity in the brain is exhibited during depression and even after recovery. Blood flow within
the brain shifts to areas being used, and lower activity in the left brain results in less blood, along
with its oxygen and nutrients. Depressed young boys compared with those which did not suffer
from depression, had less activity in the left side of the brain and greater activity in the right side,
which resulted in significantly reduced grip strength in their right hands. Similar observations have
been made regarding social phobias and post-traumatic-stress syndrome. However, altruistic,
mind-engaging, useful, manual labor increases brain activity and improves blood flow to the left
hemisphere of the brain.

6. Improved learning by movement and manipulation
Elementary teachers will testify that one of the best ways to help a student learn math is by using
manipulative techniques. Movement seems essential in the development of memory and language
skills. Evidence in neurobiology links the cerebellum, an organ in the lower back of brain which
coordinates movements, to the coordination of thoughts. PET scan studies show that reflective
thinking and mental effort produce increased blood flow to the prefrontal brain and the right side of
the cerebellum.
Evidence is mounting that regular, physical exercise, which accompanies manual tasks such as
housekeeping, organizing, and yard work, could prevent, slow down and to some extent even heal
the deterioration of the brain caused by aging. The neural circuits involved in manual labor, which
compose the brain’s infrastructure, often enable us to unlock or develop other circuits in learning.
Useful labor can be a gateway to higher learning.
When I was 2½ years old, I developed a brain infection which resulted in significant damage to
certain areas of my brain. An area in the front brain which regulated motor aspects of speech and
an area concerned with distinguishing various phonetic sounds were severely damaged. As a
result, my speech was garbled. I would say “mook” for milk, “fill” for feel, “eagernant” for ignorant,
and “of curse” for “of course,” and I was not able to hear the difference. I could read and
understand history, but not science. Decoding big words detracted from my capacity to understand
technical language. My “t” and “d” sounds were indistinguishable.
In my forties, I was impressed to take a reading class. I put every effort into learning not only when
to make a sound, but also how. In order to hear the difference between “fill” and “feel” and produce
the word correctly, I had to feel the position of my facial muscles and tongue and analyze my face
in the mirror. To this day, if I want to enunciate a long “i” sound, I make sure to exhibit a wide smile.

7. Fosters a deeper kinship with our Creator and His creation
When God created the atmosphere, the waters, our solar system, plants, and animals, He spoke,
“Let there be . . .” But when He made Adam from the dust, he shaped and formed him. After
assigning Adam the mental task of classifying and naming the plants and animals, He gave the first
couple the mind-engaging, hands-on work of dressing and keeping the most exquisitely beautiful
environment that ever existed upon the earth.
8. Essential for the finishing of God’s work
Moses was a skilled and learned general, but he needed 40 years of practical training before he
was truly equipped to lead Israel out of Egypt. William Miller, the famous preacher of the 1800’s,
was a farmer. Abraham Lincoln split rails. Hudson Taylor, the great missionary to China, studied a
practical medical missionary course before he launched out on his journey over the seas. It was a
carpenter, Danny Shelton, who fulfilled a life-long dream of starting an international television
program with the purpose of broadcasting the gospel. Doug Batchelor, a famous evangelist, spent
years sawing wood before he developed his worldwide ministry. How about you and me? Does
God have a work for us to do so that we can be equipped for His service?
What Can We Do?
Perhaps some feel the way I did in my early years at Wildwood. Maybe you work faithfully, but feel
you are an unskilled laborer. The prophet, Amos, was a migrant picker of second-rate figs. Yet God
used him mightily. Or perhaps you do not possess the coordination and dexterity you feel is
necessary to be skillful in your work. At one time, my hands were clumsy as a result of the brain
infection I experienced as a child. My hands have slowly become more efficient and coordinated,

but they will never be the most graceful or dexterous in detailed work. As a young housekeeper
and patient care worker, I wanted to give the best service I could through my hands. But what
could I do with the challenges I possessed?
I found this wonderful promise: “Having little self-confidence, they give God all the glory. Their
hands may be rough and unskilled, but their hearts are susceptible to pity; they are filled with an
earnest desire to do something to relieve the woe so abundant; and Christ is present to help them.
He works through those who discern mercy in misery, gain in the loss of all things. When the Light
of the world passes by, privileges appear in all hardships, order in confusion, the success and
wisdom of God in that which has seemed to be a failure” (Testimonies, Volume 2, p. 272).
*This article appeared in a copyrighted issue of The Journal of Health & Healing published by
Wildwood Lifestyle Center & Hospital

APPENDIX N
ENCOURAGING WORDS
“Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12
·
“The Lord is seeking to teach my husband to have a spirit of forgiveness, and forgetfulness of
the dark passages in his experience. The remembrance of the unpleasant past only saddens the
present, and he lives over again the unpleasant portion of his life’s history. In so doing he is
clinging to the darkness and is pressing the thorn deeper into his spirit. This is my husband’s
infirmity, and it is displeasing to God. This brings darkness and not light. He may feel apparent
relief for the time in expressing his feelings; but it only makes more acute the sense of how great
his sufferings and trials have been, until the whole becomes magnified in his imagination, and the
errors of his brethren, who have aided in bringing these trials upon him, look so grievous that their
wrongs seem to him past endurance.” 3T 97
·
“My husband has cherished this darkness so long by living over the unhappy past that he has
but little power to control his mind when dwelling upon these things. Circumstances and events
which once he would not have minded, magnify before him into grievous wrongs on the part of his
brethren. He has become so sensitive to the wrongs under which he has suffered that it is
necessary that he should be as little as possible in the vicinity of Battle Creek, where many of the
unpleasant circumstances occurred. God will heal his wounded spirit, if he will let Him. But in doing
this, he will have to bury the past. He should not talk of it, or write of it.” 3T 97 (cp. TDG 121 “Let
every root of bitterness be dug up and buried.”)
·
“But he answered and said, Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be
rooted up.” Matthew 5:13
·
“It is positively displeasing to God for my husband to recount his difficulties and his peculiar
grievances of the past. If he had looked upon these things in the light that they were not done to
him, but to the Lord, whose instrument he is, then he would have received a great reward. But he
has taken the murmurings of his brethren as though done to himself and has felt called upon to
make all understand the wrong and wickedness of thus complaining of him when he did not
deserve their censure and abuse. . . . I saw that my husband should not dwell upon the painful
facts in our experience. Neither should he write his grievances, but keep as far from them as he
can. The Lord will heal the wounds of the past if he will turn his attention away from them. ‘For our
light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of
glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the
things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.’ When
confessions are made by his brethren who have been wrong, he should accept the confessions
and generously, nobly, seek to encourage those who have been deceived by the enemy. He
should cultivate a forgiving spirit and should not dwell upon the mistakes and errors of others, for in
so doing he not only weakens his own soul, but tortures the minds of his brethren who have erred,
when they may have done all that they can do by confession to correct their past errors. If God
sees it necessary that any portion of their past course should be presented before them, that they
may understand how to shun errors in future, He will do this work; my husband should not trust
himself to do it, for it awakens past scenes of suffering that the Lord would have him forget.” 3T 98
·
“We must expect to meet and bear with great imperfections in those who are young and
inexperienced. Christ has bidden us seek to restore such in the spirit of meekness, and He holds
us responsible for pursuing a course which will drive them to discouragement, despair, and ruin.
Unless we daily cultivate the precious plant of love we are in danger of becoming narrow,
unsympathetic, bigoted, and critical, esteeming ourselves righteous when we are far from being
approved of God. Some are uncourteous, abrupt, and harsh. They are like chestnut burs: they
prick whenever touched. These do incalculable harm by misrepresenting our loving Saviour.” 5T
605
·
“When one burdened with a heavy load is at the foot of a difficult hill, surrounded with
discouragements, and in need of strong, cheerful helpers, much time is often wasted in criticism,
scolding, and fretting. But this does not move the load. The ones upon whom the pressure rests
most heavily do not need or deserve the censure. This might more appropriately fall upon those
who should have shared the burden earlier. But even then censure might be inappropriate, and it

would certainly be useless. Our first thought should be, How can we help to lift the load? Time is
precious. There is too much at stake to run the risk of delay.” 6T 463
·
“Dear sister, I was shown that you bring darkness into your own soul by dwelling upon the
mistakes and imperfections of others. You will never have their sins to answer for, but you have a
work to do for your own soul and for your own family that no other can do for you. You need to
crucify self and to check the disposition to magnify your neighbors’ faults and to talk thoughtlessly.
There are subjects upon which you may converse with the very best results. It is always safe to
speak of Jesus, of the Christian’s hope, and of the beauties of our faith. Let your tongue be
sanctified to God, that your speech may be ever seasoned with grace. ‘Finally, brethren,
whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever
things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any
virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.’” 4T 135
Dealing with Our Past Failures
·
“Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing
the desired haven. We shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to
hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We
must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the book where all things are written
down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many things if we choose. The past should
teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As we call
to mind that in the past which has been disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let
nothing be traced which will cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing.
Every day we live we are making our history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment
or control. Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall
this day; it will be yesterday to us. Jesus Christ has plentiful help and grace for all who will
appreciate it. The Lord is our helper; with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of the
past. He can strengthen the mind. If we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to
warn us off the ground we should not approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89
·
“The world is out of joint. As we look at the picture, the outlook seems discouraging. But Christ
greets with hopeful assurance the very men and women who cause us discouragement. In them
He sees qualifications that will enable them to take a place in His vineyard. If they will constantly
be learners, through His providence He will make them men and women fitted to do a work that is
not beyond their capabilities; through the impartation of the Holy Spirit He will give them power of
utterance.” 7T 271
·
“Many of the barren, unworked fields must be entered by beginners. The brightness of the
Saviour’s view of the world will inspire confidence in many workers, who, if they begin in humility,
and put their hearts into the work, will be found to be the right men for the time and place. Christ
sees all the misery and despair of the world, the sight of which would bow down some of our
workers of large capabilities with a weight of discouragement so great that they would not know
how even to begin the work of leading men and women to the first round of the ladder. Their
precise methods are of little value. They would stand above the lower rounds of the ladder, saying:
‘Come up where we are.’ But the poor souls do not know where to put their feet.” 7T 271
·
“Christ’s heart is cheered by the sight of those who are poor in every sense of the term;
cheered by His view of the ill-used ones who are meek; cheered by the seemingly unsatisfied
hungering after righteousness, by the inability of many to begin. He welcomes, as it were, the very
condition of things that would discourage many ministers. He corrects our erring piety, giving the
burden of the work for the poor and needy in the rough places of the earth to men and women who
have hearts that can feel for the ignorant and for those that are out of the way. The Lord teaches
these workers how to meet those whom He wishes them to help. They will be encouraged as they
see doors opening for them to enter places where they can do medical missionary work. Having
little self-confidence, they give God all the glory. Their hands may be rough and unskilled, but their
hearts are susceptible to pity; they are filled with an earnest desire to do something to relieve the
woe so abundant; and Christ is present to help them. He works through those who discern mercy
in misery, gain in the loss of all things. When the Light of the world passes by, privileges appear in
all hardships, order in confusion, the success and wisdom of God in that which has seemed to be
failure.” 7T 271

·
“My brethren and sisters, in your ministry come close to the people. Uplift those who are cast
down. Treat of calamities as disguised blessings, of woes as mercies. Work in a way that will
cause hope to spring up in the place of despair.” 7T 272
·
“To draw us away from all this is the precious ladder. The eye is attracted to God above the
ladder. The invitation comes from the glory above it, Come up higher. The heart is attracted. Steps
are taken in advance, one after another. Higher and still higher we ascend. At every step the
attraction becomes greater. Higher, holier ambitions take possession of the soul. The guilt of the
past life is left behind. We dare not look down the ladder at those things which long poisoned the
springs of true happiness and kindled remorse, weakened and depraved the will, and repressed
every better impulse.” OHC 71
·
“You feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past, out of your
keeping, things you cannot change or alter, you will neglect the present duties lying directly in your
pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of your faith. Turn your attention from
subjects which make you gloomy and sad, for you become an agent in the hands of the enemy to
multiply gloom and darkness and you will make the atmosphere surrounding your soul dark and
forbidding. Although severe afflictions may come upon you, it is your business to look up, and to
see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
·
“Oh, where, as a people, are our commemorative stones? Where are set up our monumental
pillars carved with letters expressing the precious story of what God has done for us in our
experience? Can we not, in view of the past, look on new trials and increased perplexities – even
afflictions, privations, and bereavements – and not be dismayed, but look upon the past and say,
‘“Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.”’ I will commit the keeping of my soul unto Him as unto a faithful
Creator. He will keep that which I have committed to His trust against that day. “As thy days, so
shall thy strength be.”’ Manuscript 22, 1889 (3SM 320)
·
“Do all in your power to gain perfection; but do not think that because you make mistakes you
are excluded from God’s service. The Lord knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As
you use faithfully the talents God has given you, you will gain knowledge that will make you
dissatisfied with self. You will see the need of sifting away harmful habits, lest by a wrong example
you injure others.” MYP 226
·
“Do you make mistakes? Do not let this discourage you. The Lord may permit you to make
small mistakes in order to save you from making larger mistakes. Go to Jesus, and ask Him to
forgive you, and then believe that He does. ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive
us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’” WM 152
·
“We should not try to lessen our guilt by excusing sin. We must accept God’s estimate of sin,
and that is heavy indeed. Calvary alone can reveal the terrible enormity of sin. If we had to bear
our own guilt, it would crush us. But the sinless One has taken our place; though undeserving, He
has borne our iniquity. ‘If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to
cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ 1 John 1:9 Glorious truth! – just to His own law, and yet the
Justifier of all that believe in Jesus. ‘Who is a God like unto Thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and
passeth by the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He retaineth not His anger forever,
because He delighteth in mercy.’ Micah 7:18” MB 116
·
“My heart is drawn out toward you. The Lord has not left you. He is a God of tender
compassion and wonderful loving-kindness, and He does not desire you to walk in darkness. You
need not cast yourself away; for the Lord says, ‘His life need not be a failure. I will make him Mine.
I will show him that I prize his soul. I will strive with him, and lift him up. He must not perish. I have
a special work for him to do. If he will unite with Me, believe in Me, and work for Me, his weakest
points of character, notwithstanding his past failures, will become his strongest points.’” MM 41
·
“Jesus loves you, and He has given me a message for you. His great heart of infinite
tenderness yearns over you. He sends you the message that you may recover yourself from the
snare of the enemy. You may regain your self-respect. You may stand where you regard yourself,
not as a failure, but as a conqueror, in and through the uplifting influence of the Spirit of God. Take
hold of the hand of Christ, and do not let it go.” MM 43
·
“Some God trains by bringing to them disappointment and apparent [emphasis supplied]
failure. It is His purpose that they shall learn to master difficulties. He inspires them with a
determination to prove every apparent failure a success. Often men pray and weep because of the
perplexities and obstacles that confront them. But if they will hold the beginning of their confidence
steadfast unto the end, God will make their way clear. Success will come as they struggle against

apparently insurmountable difficulties and with success will come the greatest joy.” GW 269
(apparent = obvious, seemingly)
·
“But if he seeks the Lord with humility and trust, every trial will work for his good. He may
sometimes seem to fail, but his apparent failure may be God’s way of bringing him true
advancement, and may mean a better knowledge of himself and a firmer trust in Heaven. He may
still make mistakes, but he learns not to repeat these mistakes. He becomes stronger to resist evil,
and others reap benefit from his example.” GW 142
·
“Our efforts to resist the attacks of Satan must be earnest and persevering. He employs his
strength and skill in trying to turn us out of the right way. He watches our going out and our coming
in, that he may find opportunity to hurt or destroy us. He works most successfully in darkness,
injuring those who are ignorant of his devices. He could not gain advantage if his method of attack
were understood. The instruments he employs to effect his purposes, and transmit his fiery darts,
are often the members of our own families.” 1T 308
·
“Those we love may speak or act unguardedly, which may wound us deeply. It was not their
intention to do this; but Satan magnifies their words and acts before the mind, and thus hurls a dart
from his quiver to pierce us. We brace ourselves to resist the one whom we think has injured us,
and by so doing we encourage Satan’s temptations. Instead of praying to God for strength to resist
Satan, we suffer our happiness to be marred by trying to stand for what we term ‘our rights.’ Thus
we allow Satan a double advantage. We act out our aggrieved feelings, and Satan uses us as his
agents to wound and distress those who did not intend to injure us. The requirements of the
husband may sometimes seem unreasonable to the wife, when if she should calmly, candidly take
the second view of the matter, in as favorable a light for him as possible, she would see that to
yield her own way and submit to his judgment, even if it conflicted with her feelings, would save
them both from unhappiness and would give them great victory over the temptations of Satan.” 1T
308
·
“I saw that the enemy will contend either for the usefulness or the life of the godly, and will try
to mar their peace as long as they live in this world. But his power is limited. He may cause the
furnace to be heated, but Jesus and angels will watch the trusting Christian, that nothing may be
consumed but the dross. The fire kindled by Satan can have no power to destroy or hurt the true
metal. It is important to close every door possible, against the entrance of Satan. It is the privilege
of every family so to live that Satan can take no advantage of anything they may say or do, to tear
one another down. Every member of the family should bear in mind that all have just as much as
they can do to resist our wily foe, and with earnest prayers and unyielding faith each must rely
upon the merits of the blood of Christ and claim His saving strength.” 1T 309
·
“The powers of darkness gather about the soul and shut Jesus from our sight, and at times we
can only wait in sorrow and amazement until the cloud passes over. These seasons are
sometimes terrible. Hope seems to fail, and despair seizes upon us. In these dreadful hours we
must learn to trust, to depend solely upon the merits of the atonement, and in all our helpless
unworthiness cast ourselves upon the merits of the crucified and risen Saviour. We shall never
perish while we do this – never! When light shines on our pathway, it is no great thing to be strong
in the strength of grace. But to wait patiently in hope when clouds envelop us and all is dark,
requires faith and submission which causes our will to be swallowed up in the will of God. We are
too quickly discouraged, and earnestly cry for the trial to be removed from us, when we should
plead for patience to endure and grace to overcome.” 1T 309
.