my life, my way

Published on February 2017 | Categories: Documents | Downloads: 98 | Comments: 0 | Views: 895
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Dear….faceboook…….I can’t believe myself that I’m actually writing again…..Maybe it’s coz I’m too depressed, had it all…and about to give up….and say…”ENOUGH ALREADY!!” ……Need to know why…? …. Then READ!! Or…gonna take a “Rain Check” ..? *smirks* That’s alright…Now you’ll NEVER know what I am now… I know….I’m a little impatient…I know I’m sarcastic….I don’t want YOU to say it to me… coz I KNOW myself better than you do.. And no, I mean no offence to anyone. Friends..we share, we laugh, we were there for each other….That’s what I hoped for…like when I was some 14 years.. But hey..you know the real world..Shattered all my fantasies ..Made me lock myself up from the rest of the vile world. What I was back then?? I was just a nuisance..to everyone..A selfish, out-raging, playa’ who never actually had friends.. Who never wanted one…Especially after what I had gone through.. ….FRIENDS?! Well , nah~ not really.. They were just my tools..to get what I wanted. And I never really cared for them. I mean..why should I???when they kept biting my backs?!!! I’m sorry, it’s not my fault I turned into a girl with a ‘poker face’ .. YOU made me!! And you can trust me when I say, “I mean no offence to you”.. And that’s me..till 17.. My heart was a stone, my mind,.. the greatest psycho that ‘ruled’ me. Well, I can’t call myself an ‘emo’ exactly..Let’s just say, ..I was a “polymorphic fiend”.. College, however..changed me… And I liked that.. I STII do… Yet..when I turn back, what made me be such a gruesome girl… I never really could find the true answer…I kept thinking it was my past..some “not-so-good” memories.. I kept searching for the answer..AND FINALLY, I’ve found it recently.. It’s not just the backbiting sluts, that turned me to a stone.. It was actually something else.. Something that I feel I haven’t got.. Not till today…When you’re upset, you cry on your friend’s shoulder..But when the trouble’s your friend..whom do you run to..?? Mother? Father??Brother??? OF COUSE YEAH!! But ME..?!! No…not really… When I hurt my friend, I saw her dad asking her what was wrong… She kept saying nothing.. But he wasn’t ready to leave her just like that.. I know he’s a busy man..Yet..he was there for her..when she needed her dad… He actually read from her eyes that something was wrong…. Well….And for me?? When I tried calling my brother to talk about it, or my mom..wonder what I got..? nothing… Nothing , but scolding.. for wasting away an entire day doing nothing..Nothing, but got mocked by my bro for wasting transportation facilities.. When you own family turns against…whom do run to? Whom do you talk to..? It’s like…deja’vu .. I try to be strong, put on a game face, and walk forward, like nothing happened…But every time…I say.. EVERY TIME!!! I get pushed to a ‘dark room’ like this!! I get back home tired and worn out.. I see my mom..and I know she can say something went wrong..Yet..she just wouldn’t ask me or talk to me about it.. yeah, now I’m used to it.. But years back..?!! I can’t really find words to describe my pain, to describe what I went through..I kept locking myself up in a room and ..it was all a “silent cry” .. I know my parents are special.. Unlike anyone else, I know they are different, work hard..just to keep us happy, to give us a life they dreamt of..they never had.. , to make sure we don’t go through the pain they had to go through..It took me years to understand that, to acknowledge the fact that I can’t expect them to be there for me every time.. I’ve realized..that’s what made me turn into a stone..I moved on..I realized I can’t cry infront of others..nor cry on other’s shoulder…not even to your friend!!...I don’t want to show the weaker part of me..coz I now know…”My tears are the greatest weapon to use it against

me” .. I’d been stupid!!to actually believe!!! that people will me help me out..if I shared my problems.. And what I realized…It ain’t so..They just use it against you!! That’s the reality that shattered my fantasies.. I got to thank those people for shattering my little world of “everything will be good” .. Coz that made me strong, made me get up, and walk, everytime I fall.. Yes, I KNOW!! This is all crazy, …But this is what’s I’m made of.. But believe me when I say… I mean no offence to anyone.. You think you know everything about my life, everything about me..But the truth..You’ll never know ANYTHING!! No matter, how close you become to me, no matter how strong you believe you know all my secrets..there will always be a part of my life that’ll remain a secret to you forever…And of course, you can hate me all you want.. or love me ~ it’s up to you.. Because now, I honestly DON’T CARE!!! And yeah….there’s always a guy who’ll NEVER love me!! no matter how far I change..No matter what I say.. it’ll always be a “FAR CRY” …and there’s always a guy..who loved me, loves me..and will love me....no matter who I am!! who loves me for who I am… “THE THREE MISTAKES OF MY LIFE” … I guess that suits the situation.. This is who I am now….Something’s changed me from ‘heartless bitch’ to ‘everyone’s friend’ .. I believe it’s my friends..They define me now. And I keep promising myself everyday that I WON’T RISK LOSING THEM NO MATTER WHAT! and I’ll be there for them everytime they need me… I keep saying myself, I won’t hurt them..But in the end… *looks down* I’m just another pathetic loser, who hurt her friends.. I’ve never been this close to anyone before…But to my best friends I have now.. I just don’t want to go back to the ‘dark room’…ever again..And yeah, I’m scared of losing my temper to my friends.. So I guess…in the end,…I ended up hurting myself again…ended up in the same old ‘dark room’ which I never wanted to enter again… CRY.? nah, that’s something you wouldn’t see me do..coz YOU’re JUST ANOTHER PART OF THE VILE WORLD THAT MIGHT TURN AGAINST ME ONE DAY.. And I honestly mean..no offence.. So much at this time of my life?…I wonder..what awaits me further….More challenges?? Bring it on losers!! I’m not scared to face you now… Been through a lot already..What more can you add now?! You’re no match for my “QUANTUM OF RATIONAL THINKING” .. And to those who keep thinking of screwing my life up…, to hurt my friends… “FUCK OFF!!” YOU NEVER WILL!!Coz, It’s my life.my way. And you don’t decide my destiny…coz I believe…still believe.. “I WRITE MY OWN DESTINY” and be grateful..You’ll also be a little part of an EPIC HISTORY ! And I wish to say this again. “I mean NO OFFENCE to anyone” …Were you wise, you’d have figured why I’m called the “Queen of Sarcasm” ;) XoXo QoS <3

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