One Thousand Laughs From Vaudeville

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vaudeville
from
laughs
thousand
One

PRICE 25 CENTS
— THE
EST JOKE and COMIC BOOKS PUBLISH
OVER A MILLION COPIES SOL
s
These Books contain the best Up-t'
Jokes, Stories and Monologues, Shon
and Toasts told on the Vaudeville a
strel Stage by Mclntyre and Heatli, tvi. ^
P. Sweatman, Charlie Case, Ben Welch, Joe
Welch, Dave Warfield, Otis Harlan, Little
Chip, Lew Dockstader, Nat Wills and over
one hundred other prominent comedians.
1. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 1
2. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 2
S. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 3
4. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 4
5. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 5
6. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 6
7. Dan Feely's Original Joke Book
8. New Hebrew Jokes by Best Jokers
(new)
9. On a Slow Train (original story)
10. On a Fast Train Through Texas, by
Irv Ott
11. The Fun Doctor
12. New Minstrel and Black-Face Joke
Book. (End Men's Gags)
13. New Vaudeville Joke Book
14. New Tramp Joke Book
15. Red Wagon Stories ( very funny
Circus Stories)
16. New Dutch Jokes
17. New Irish Jokes and Monologues
18. New Combination Joke Book
19. New Italian Jokes and Recitations
20. New Polite Vaudeville Joke Book
21. Told on the Train (new and original)
22. Automobile Joke Book
23. One Thousand Laughs from Vaude
ville
Any of the above Books sent postpaid for 25 Cents Per Copy.
I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS,
800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor FRONT ST.
BALTIMORE f
>
MARYLAND

ONE

S

THOUSAND

FROM

LAUGHS

VAUDEVILLE

THE FUNNY EFFORTS OF THE LEADING MONO.
LOGISTS, COMEDIANS, SKETCH ARTISTS
AND JOKERS. THE BEST STORIES
TOLD BY

Fred Niblo,
Raymond & Caverly,
Ben Welch,
Cliff Gordon,
Jack Hazard,
Jack Norworth,
Nat Wills,

Stewart Barnes,
Julius Tannen,
George Evans,
Joe Deming,
Lonely Haskell,
Joe Welch,
Billy Van,

AND OTHERS.
Illustrated.
Copyright, 1908, by I. & M. Ottenheimer.

I. & M. OTTENHEIMER,
PUBLISHERS
800-802 E. FAYETTE ST.
BALTIMORE, MD.
"VRWTED ffl I/. 3. A."

-A
Ufv c. - ' • j
UibrarJ

AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION.
The success attained by us with our other Joke
Books has been so pleasing that we offer the preseut:
volume with considerable confidence.

We have re

ceived many letters from professionals, who with won
derful praise assure us that they are the best books of
their kind ever published. This in itself is very pleas
ant, as the book was not designed for professionals
alone, but for the general public. We have expended
a great deal of time and money in compiling "iooo
Laughs from Vaudeville," and we trust that its readers
will find it as interesting as our other Joke Books.
If you haven't read our other Joke Books, be sure to
read them. Beware of imitators.
Yours for fun,
THE AUTHOR.

The Matter in This Book Has Never Ap
peared in Print Before.

THE PROTECTION OP THE
COPYRIGHT

UPON

THIS

BOOK WILL BE ZEALOUSLY
GUARDED

TO

THE

MOST

MINUTE PARTICULAR, AND
THE SLIGHTEST INFRINGE
MENT

WILL

BE

VIGOR

OUSLY AND PERSISTENTLY

Prosecuted.

PIRATES

BEWARE.

ONE

THOUSAND

FROM

LAUGHS

VAUDEVILLE

GEORGE (HONEY BOY) EVANS, THE POPU
LAR BLACK-FACE COMEDIAN AND
MONOLOGUIST.
Tell me one thing, tell me truly,
Won't you kindly tell me, please—
Is Philadelphia a regular city,
Or is it a disease?
"Have you ever been to a party in Philadelphia?"
"Have you ever seen anything to go to there ?"
"Have you ever found any reason for Philadelphia?"
"I spent Sunday there, and honestly that was all you
could spend, because that town is as dead as an Egyp
tian mummy.
I was very thirsty, so I asked a
man in the depot where I could get a drink.
He said the only place he knew of was down at the
river. I sighted a policeman over on the corner. Yes,
he was a regular human being policeman. I don't
know how he come to be out, but I determined to ask
him. So I went over and told him I was a stranger in
z

8

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

the city and wanted a drink very bad, and asked him
if he knew where one could be had. He said if he did
he would be there himself drinking it right then, in
stead of standing on the corner. So I went into a
nearby hotel and asked if I could get a drink. The clerk
asked me if I realized I was in Philadelphia and on a
Sunday. I said I guessed so, and went over and found
the proprietor standing in the dining room. I asked
him if he knew where I could get a drink. He looked
serious, winked at me and led me up four flights of
stairs into a room on the top floor. There he shut and
locked the door, pulled down the blind and said : 'No,
do you?' When I got into the street again I met a
drummer I knew and asked him what was the best
thing he had ever seen in Philadelphia. He said the
best thing he ever saw there was the train for New
York.
"I am glad to see so many beautiful ladies out in
Jront, and to note that here in the middle of winter they
are wearing those lovely summer shirtwaists—those
delightful peek-a-boo shirtwaists. I didn't like them at
first. You see, I didn't understand them. But I can
see through them now.
"The ladies, God bless them! Do you know that
there are a great many men who know absolutely
nothing about women. And there are other men who
wished they knew absolutely nothing about women.
They are funny creatures. Did you ever hear a little
four-foot-high woman saying to her six-foot husband
as he is leaving home after supper : 'Henry, if you are
not home by 9 o'clock I'll beat the life out of you when
you do come home.' He's going out to see his affinity.

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

9

Now, don't laugh, girls ; they are nice things to have,
but not around the house. My wife won't let me. I
had one once, but I sold her to a friend for a quarter. I
beat him out of fifteen cents.
"Well, here I am looking for a job. Do you know
it's the funniest thing that I can't hold a job more than
ten or fifteen years. I have just left Stewart's. Girls,
I'll bet that will sting you. I was employed behind the
notion counter, and an old vinegar, dill-pickle face
woman came in and said :
" 'Young man, I would like to see some bustles.'
"I said: 'So would I, if you think we won't get
pinched, but I can't show them to you right here.'
" 'Why not?' she asked, assuming one of those looks
that Eleanor Glynn tells about in 'Three Weeks.'
" 'Well,' said I, 'the reason is this counter is at the
front of the store, and bustles are generally kept in the
rear.'
"Then she looked mad and went out.
"The next customer was a little old woman who
looked like three cents worth of soap after a hard day's
washing. She said : 'Young man, I want to see your
corsets.'
"Well, I just looked at her in amazement and said :
'Madam, I am not vain, but my figure is all my own.'
"She looked at me mad like and said : 'Where is the
nice, polite little gentleman who was at this counter
last summer—that civilized person with one eye named
Sam?'
"I said : 'Tell me the name of his other eye and I will
try and find out for you.'
"The next customer was a regular village cut>uj},

i

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

II

One of those fluffy-ruffles mother boys about as thick
as a toothpick. You know, one of those nifty college
boys who plays the piano and sings 'Every Morn I
Bring You Violets/ when he couldn't bring you a nickel's
worth of milk. He said: 'Are you the proprietor?'
" 'No/ I replied ; 'give me a chance. I've only been
here two days. Come around Saturday and I'll let you
know what kind of luck I've had/
"Then he looked at me and said: 'Really/ just like
he had mush in his mouth, and gave me a look that
made me feel like yelling, 'Lizzie's here/
"Finally I said : 'Come, now, what do you want?*
" 'I want a collar/ said it.
" 'Horse or dog?' I enquired.
" 'I want a man's collar/ he twittered, 'size twelve
and a half.'
"Just then somebody turned on the electric fan and
blew him through the transom.
"By the time I had gotten rid of him a swell-looking
girl came in and said : 'Have you any special sales to
day?*
"I told her we had a special sale of garters, but she
looked shocked and said : 'I guess they come high/
" 'They would on you—you're tall/ I told her, and
she said, 'Rubber !' I told her if I did I'd lose my job.
Well, just then the floor walker came up and said:
'Young man, you are too strong for this department.
Go over to the fortune-teller. She has something to
say to you.' So over to the palmistry department I
went, and Gypsy Queen took my hand and said : 'You
are going away from here/ She was the first fortune
teller I ever had tell me the truth. Iw
lan-

f

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

13

ager said I had presided over the counter long enough.
Don't laugh. I was the president of the counter. I'll
never be president of the United States—I'm a Demo
crat. Yes, I voted for Bryan. A friend of mine came
to me and said: 'Vote for Bryan and prosperity will
come.' So I voted for Bryan, and prosperity came, and
that's why I'm going to vote for him again.
When I was a small boy going to school we had a
lovely lady teacher, and we boys used to think a great
deal of her. One morning Johnny Jones brought her a
lovely rose, and she smiled on him and patted him on
the head. Willie Smith took the cue from Johnny, and
the next day he brought her a couple of fine, big red
apples, and she thanked him so nicely and then bent
over and kissed him. Then I thought I would take
her something, and decided on a large, juicy water
melon. She looked surprised, but thanked me and
told me to remain in after school.

STUART BARNES, MONOLOGIST.
I shall dilate this evening on the temperance question.
There is no doubt the day is coming when liquor must be
put down. In fact, the day is here when It is being put
down. I know because I have helped put quite a lot of it
down myself. But that is neither here nor there. The
vital question is, how much of it can you put down and
then get home? Give me the man who can take a drink
and leave it alone ; then take another and leave that alone.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

15

My, how brave it is of a man when asked to drink to say
firmly and manfully, "No." Then when the gang Insists,
to again say "No." And when they all gather around
him, telling him what a good fellow he is and trying to
induce him to drink, he again says: "No, boys; not an
other drop of whiskey for me; give me a little beer this
time. I am a married man myself, and proud to say I am
quite happy.' All our little debts and other troubles have
grown up into nice big ones, and we have a lovely little
boy who calls me "papa." I know it is hard on him, but
somebody had to be his papa. My wife said she would not
have the dear little fellow see me under the influence of
liquor for the world, so I sneak in now of nights after he
has been put to bed. My wife thinks I am of Scotch de
scent. She told me the other night she thought there was
some Scotch in me, and I told her she was right, for I put
it in at the corner saloon just before I came home. Chang
ing the subject, these melodramas are great things in the
theatrical line. Some of them are so mellow they are al
most overripe. But they are all the same old thing.
"Bertie the Buttonhole Biter; or, Who Swiped the Pay
Envelope?" There are the hero and the heroine. They
meet at 8 :i5, fall in love at 8 :30, are married at 9, and by
10 are housekeeping with a couple of children. At 10 :30
they are divorced, and the play ends happily. These time
events are wonderful. Why, I have seen a man sentenced
to thirty years in prison at 9:15, and at 10:15 was out
again and set up in business. How the women do fall for
these melodramas. They will leave their homes every
afternoon and go to the matinees and sit there snedding
tears into a box of chocolates, weeping over some poor

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

1JJ

little stage kid while their own children are playing
around any old place. Then when they get home they
give them a spanking for getting dirty playing in the coal
bin. I will conclude these few remarks with a few philo
sophical observations in verse, which pertain to the alac
rity with which our memory is effaced after we have taken
our departure. It is entitled, "You're very soon forgotten
when you're gone." Here goes :
In this world of wild ambition, where you're seeking a po
sition,
That perhaps is far above what you'll attain ;
Where you make a mighty bustle and a show of earnest
hustle,
In a life that's all made up of joy and pain.
You might, in a moment sober, pause and think the whole
thing over,
Ere you take the entire burden of it on ;
Do not view it too abjectly, but if you figure it correctly
You're very soon forgotten when you're gone.
All your friends will gladly crown you—a good fellow
they'll surround you—
And they praise you up unto the very skies ;
But when the merry party's ended, and you home your
way have wended,
They will laugh at how you swallowed all their lies.
They will grin and ha-ha wheezy, and declare you good
and easy,
Those fellows who were wont to toast and fawn ;

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

19

You can notch on the paling as a motto never failing
You are very soon forgotten when you're gone.
Girls will call you dearest fellow in tones with deception
yellow,
They will pet you and delight you with their kiss ;
They will say you are a dandy as they masticate your
candy,
They will make your life a perfect round of bliss.
But don't trust the fair ones ever, such things do not last
forever,
When you're broke and come around they'll sit and
yawn;
Set the clock an hour faster, declare that you're a sticking
plaster,
And you'll be very soon forgotten when you're gone.
So with all life's living creatures, and its fairest pleasing
features,
So with everything and everyone you meet ;
So in times eternal fitness you're the same old buncoed
itness,
In the house or at the theater, on the street.
As you amble through life gaily you are handed lemons
daily,
'Till you're busted, with your overcoat in pawn ;
Then they'll give the haughty giggle, and away from your
side wiggle,
For you're very soon forgotten when you're gone

20

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
JULIUS TANNEN, MONOLOGIST.

A friend of mine had a big, fine-looking blonde sten
ographer, who did not meet the approval of his wife by
reason of her good looks. Finally his wife got jealous
and told him to discharge her and she would act as his
stenographer and typewriter, and thus save him the $20
a week he paid her. She computed the amount that he
would not have to pay her in salary, and showed him it
would buy a nice house. Her husband consented to do as
she asked. The blonde left and she took her place. Sure
enough, things went better afterwards, and business
picked up to such an extent that in a few years her hus
band had saved up enough to buy the nice house, and he
did buy it—for the blonde.
A boarding-house mistress had trouble making both
ends meet these hard times, and' yet her boarders al
ways kicked and complained about the food. The last
kick was about the chickens being tough, but the land
lady claimed she had done her best to get them tender,
but would resort to a new ruse. The next time she
went to buy fowl she found the poultryman had ten
chickens, so she asked him to pick out six of the tough
est, as she kept a boarding-house. He did as she re
quested, and she bought the other four.
I asked a carpenter friend of mine how he would go
about making one blind. He replied he would stick his
fingers in his eyes.
A man who had laryngitis was advised to eat ice-cream.
He went to the ice-cream saloon and asked the man for
some cream, telling him he had laryngitis, but the man

22

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

only laughed and said: "No; the only kinds I have are
vanilla and chocolate."
An Englishman lived next door to a family who had
a pianola. One of the airs it played nearly all the time
was "God Save the King." The Englishman next
door complained that he had to stand up nearly all
night at salute.
A schoolteacher asked little Willie if she laid two
eggs on the table and then laid two more there, how
many would there be? A tough kid on the rear seat
yelled : "None. Yer couldn't lay one."
A girl's father informed her young man that he
might call, but must remember the lights went out at
10 130. He told him to expect him at 1 1 o'clock.
A young man was walking down the street when he
stepped on a banana peel and went flying right into the
arms of a young girl who was coming in the opposite
direction. They became fast friends. They had never
been introduced—merely thrown into each other's
company.
*

JACK HAZARD, MONOLOGIST.
I took my girl down town for a little lunch, not
expecting that she had an appetite like an ostrich and
a thirst as long as the neck of a giraffe. I only had a
couple of dollars, and the order she gave put me in a
trance for the rest of the evening. Several times in the
presence of the waiter, when she ordered more, she

34

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

laughingly referred to me as her "meal ticket," and
when she had finally finished and the waiter brought
me a check for $11.75 I tc,ld him I only had two dollars.
He brought the boss up, and he asked my girl if she
had not said that I was her meal ticket. She again
laughed and said "yes." Then he punched her meal
ticket.
A colored dramatic society was giving a perform
ance of "Othello" to a large and enthusiastic colored
audience. Othello strode on the stage and demanded
of Desdemona, "Whar am dat hankerchief ?" She, ac
cording to the play, hesitated to confess her infidelity,
as indicated by the loss of the aforesaid bit of linen,
and again he demanded, this time more sternly : "Des
demona, whar am dat handkerchief?" Whereupon an
old colored man in the rear of the hall arose and yelled :
"Say, niggah, blow yoh nose on yoh coat sleeve ani
let de play go on."

WALTER JONES—JONES AND DEYO (Sketch).
Park Policeman—A policeman died and I am tak
ing up a collection to bury him. Will you give a dol
lar?"
Jones—A dollar to bury a policeman ?
Park Policeman—Yes.
Jones—Here's ten dollars ; bury ten of them.
Park Policeman—How would you like to be a police
man? You have to take a civil service examination,
and the first question they ask you is how far is it
from Baltimore to San Francisco?

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

25

Jones— If that is the length of the beats, to hell with
the job.

BEN WELCH, HEBREW COMEDIAN.
I was just in dere vot a thought was a saloon, but it's
a gambling joint. Dere a lot of pocket pickers, Jessie
Jimmies, A. P. A.'s. Dere vos a lot of hoboes sitting
aroundt the stove talking about who they vould tup
on the nut. In the front room dey got a pig veel, vot
goes roundt and roundt, and you pet on the numbers.
Sometimes you vin—sometimes. Roulittes. Den in
anothder room they got a game vot I neffer seen pefore, shaking dice and some seven talking. Scripps.
Den I drank a gin physic and got drunk. I met Jake,
mine son, and he says : "Fader, ve vill haf a good time."
He is a okum fiend. Smokes okum. Effery night he's
got a million dollars. Last night he sez : "Fader, I feel
bad. I think I'll go to St. Louis. Den he took a silver
pencil, filled vid white water, oudt of his pocket and
shoot it in his arm, and in two minutes he was gov
ernor of New York. One more shoot and he would be
president of the United States. He giv me a shoot
once, and I got so foolish I paid de rent. He hadt a
pank roll vot vould choke a horse. Sefen dollars, I ped
you. He took me to de athletic club. Ven ve got in
two young fellers come on de platform and shook
hands and den right avay dey got to fighting, and
somebody called "Time." I said : "Half-past six," and I
got a whallop an der hedt vot made me see stars. Den

26

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

feller offered to pedt me five tollars I didn't know I vos
alive, and I vos afraid to ped him.

FRED NIBLO, MONOLOGIST.
As you all know, I have just returned from a trip
around the world, and I saw a great many strange
sights. Before I left on this long journey I visited my
girl and asked her to marry me. She was a fine girl
and a wise one, but she looked serious for a few min
utes, and then said: "Go to father." Now, she knew
that I knew that her father was dead, and she knew
that I knew of the life he had led, and she knew that
I knew what she meant when she said, "Go to father."
Well, we were not married, and I sailed alone.
Ah, me, but the girls are the sweetest things on
earth. They get everything, and man, the poor sucker,
has to pay for it. First of all, the candies and flowers ;
then the wedding feast, the marriage license, the min
ister's fee, the carriages for the wedding. Next the
house rent, the furniture, the market money, the
clothes for her nobs and the kids, and last of all, but
not least, the alimony. He pays it all. Man, poor man !
Have you ever been at sea? Oh, there is nothing so
majestic as the ocean. The vast, rolling ocean ! Every
body got seasick the first day out and thought they
were going to die. The rest of the trip they were sorry
that they hadn't. The seas got corrugated and most
of the passengers went below to unpack and think it

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

2"J

over. I saw an old gentleman and an old lady on deck,
both very sick. He was lying on the deck with his
head in her lap. She was trying to forget, but he had
nothing left to forget. I said to her: "I am so sorry
your husband is so sick," but she looked sad and said :
"He is not my husband. I never saw him before. I
just caught him where he fell." But there is great
pleasure to be had on the fine liners. All day you are
on deck looking out for whales and all night you are in
the smoking room looking out for sharks. But at lastwe
reached London, and it is the greatest city in the world.
There is the great Drury Lane Theater, which is open
at 5 in the afternoon and is not filled until 8 at night.
But our Baltimore theaters have it beat. Some of
them haven't been filled in thirty years. Then there is
Hyde Park, in London. It takes a whole week to drive
through it. Baltimore has Druid Hill Park, and a little
boy goes out there in the evening and comes home that
night married and with a family. Then there are the
great hotels of London. The Cecil, for instance, one
of the best in the world. They have a wonderful boot
black system there. When you retire at night you put
your shoes outside the door of your room, and the next
morning they are beautifully polished. You don't have
to go out hunting a shine like you do in Baltimore.
But just imagine putting your shoes out in the hallway
of a hotel here and leaving them there until morning !
Not to me. Within a year the hotel proprietor would
be in the wholesale shoe business. I made a great hit
in London. I appeared before His Majesty King Ed
ward by special royal command. It seems the King

28

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

heard I was playing at the Palace Theater, so he sent
word he was coming down and that I was to appear
before him. I was the only artist on the program he
mentioned. I tell you that I felt a high degree of par
donable pride when the manager came to me and said :
"Mr. Niblo, you are to appear before the King tonight
by his special command." "Good," says I ; "that will
be a great feather in my cap. "Yes," said he, "and the
King desires that you appear before him. He will be
here about 10 o'clock, so I guess you will go on about
9." Then the London papers spoke so highly of me.
The Times, that greatest of all English newspapers,
said I was the most finished actor that ever visited
England, and that it was so pleased with me. To
quote it exactly, it said: "We are happy to say Fred
Niblo, the American monologist, is most finished." I
was presented at court three times, but they let me go
each time.
From London I went to Scotland. All the Ameri
cans who travel abroad go to Scotland in the summer.
In fact, Scotland is full of Americans In the summer,
just as the Americans over here are full of Scotch in
the winter. From London I went to Paris. Ah, there
is a great city! That's where they make all the plas
ter paris and paris green. From Paris I drifted over
to Berlin, the garden city of the world. It is well
named, for it is full of beautiful gardens—beer. I
never saw so many booze conservatories in my life.
Next we went to Spain. That is a quaint country. All
they do over there is eat garlic, go to bullfights and
curse the Americans for putting them out of business.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

29

Next I visited the land of spaghetti, Italy, where they
smile in your face and stick a stiletto in your back. I
didn't wait for the Black Hand Society to get hep to
me and the bank roll I carried, so drifted down to
Rome. There is the Eternal City. Talk about thea
ters. The world's greatest theater was there. The
monster Colliseum, where in the days of Nero a hun
dred thousand people gathered and the actors were
the gladiators, fighting with the wild animals. Actors
don't fight with wild animals these days; they fight
with their managers. From Rome I went to Cairo.
That's in Egypt, you know, where the Egyptian ciga
rettes come from—if you're lucky. The land of the
pyramids, where the monologue men get their jokes
from ; the land where Pharaoh's daughter found Moses
in the bullrushes. At least, that is what she told her
father. No, girls ; I don't believe it, either, but far be
it from me to say any more on the subject. From
there I went to Turkey. You all know Turkey. There
is where the Turkish baths come from. I think they
all must have come from there long ago, for from the
way the Turks looked I don't think there has been a
bath in that country in 2,000 years. Next I went to
China. There is a barbarous country. Why, do you
know that in China when a girl child is born they
give it to the beasts. They don't do that in this coun
try. They save them over here until they grow up
and then give them to the beasts. I went to Japan next.
When you walk along the street every Jap you meet
steps aside and bows and says, "Ohio." That means
"good-morning" in the Japanese language. If they

3©

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

want to bid you "good-night" I suppose they say Phil
adelphia. But, after all, America is the greatest coun
try in the world. Take our navy, for instance. Look
at it. I don't know where it is, but look at it. We
have the finest battleships in the world—both of them.
France brags about her disappearing guns; we've got
France beat a thousand ways. We have a disappear
ing Navy. This talk about war with Japan is all bosh.
Japan don't want to fight us. We don't need any army
or navy at all to lick Japan. All we would have to do
would be to turn Admiral Hearst and the Yellow
Squadron on them and they would take to the woods
in a day.
When I got back my Uncle Hiram met me and we
took a little trip over to New York and Boston. We
wanted to go the worst possible way, so we took the
O. & W. A lady on the train was talking about a
lovely pair of corsets she had bought, and said they
were so full of curves they must be the R. & G., but 1
told her if they were full of curves they must be the O.
& W. Well, after the train had started I asked the
conductor if our tickets were good on that road, and
he said : "No ; nothing is good on this road." We got
into the smoker and Uncle Hiram said he could tell
where men came from by the way they looked. He
asked one man if he was from Pittsburg, and he said
he was. Then he asked another man if he wasn't from
Washington. He replied that was his home city.
Then he asked another man if he didn't live in Chi
cago. The man said "Yes." Then he asked a little
fellow if he was not from Wilmington. But he said

32

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

no; he had been sick three weeks, and only looked that
way. They have an interpreter on the O. & W. trains
to tell you what the brakeman says when he calls out
the name of the next station. We met with a terrible
accident, too. The engine struck a cow. No, it didn't
hurt the cow, but she got her tail caught in the cow
catcher somehow and ran away with the train. We
were three hours behind time, but we got in two hours
ahead of time. Have you ever noticed those little flags
on the rear of a train? Do you know what they are
for? They are to keep the cattle from running in the
cars from the rear and annoying the passengers. The
other day an O. & W. train which had never been on
time was announced as approaching a town on time,
and just at noon pulled into the depot. A big crowd of
citizens were on hand to welcome it, and carried the
engineer and conductor to the city hall on their shoul
ders. They protested on the way, but the crowd
would not listen to them. When they finally got a
chance to talk they explained the train was the one
due the day before, and was just 24 hours late. Well,
uncle and I got talking, and he asked me how I liked
London. I told him great. He said : "I guess you'll
go to England soon, won't you?" I told him I had just
been to England—that London was in England. Then
I told him about Paris, and he said: "Are you ever
going to visit the continent ?" I explained to him Paris
was on the continent. So he kept quiet a little while,
and then asked me if I was ever going to Europe.
When we reached Boston I took him up to see the
Bunker Hill Monument, and when I told him what it

But dey had to push Levinski.
Page 33.

34

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

was he asked me who lived there. I told him no one.
Then he said he thought all them bunco things was
in New York. We' went to the top of it, 257 feet, and
I pointed out to him the battlefield where so many
brave Americans fell and died, and he looked serious
and said: "Hell, no wonder they died—a fall off this
would kill anybody."

JULIAN ROSE, HEBREW COMEDIAN.
I vant to tell you about Levinski's wedding. It was
a great affair and very swell. I got an invitation a
veek ago, and thought that, as my hair was coming
out, I would grow some new hair, and I got a hair de
stroyer and drank three bottles, and my hair cum out
fine—all of it. Cohen he got an invitation, too, but he
wrote Levinski and told him he had to go see "Ham
let." Levinski wrote back and told him to bring Ham
let along. He didn't know Hamlet was a theater; he
thought he was a man. Well, when the wedding cum
off it was a great time. Everybody has a great time
at a wedding. A man vot vorks for me got married
not long ago, and I had to let him off a half day. Some
times it takes longer. Ve vore efening dress. I vent
in my pajumpers. The bride was dressed up to kill. She
looked like a kosher butcher. She vore a low-neck
delicatessen dress and carried a punch of dont-forgetme-nots in her handt. She vore orange plossoms on
her het, ven she ought to hadt lemons, for Got knows

/

.

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

35

she got a lemon in Levinski. He vas a fine-looking
pridegroom. His pants vas so tight that ven he sat
down he stood up. I vas gladt ven it vas all ofer.
Der pride vas led to der altar—but dey had to push
Levinski.

CARSON AND WILLARD, IN "FRIZZLED FI
NANCE."
)
"Iss dis a pank?"
"Yes, it is; vot you got to pud in idt?"
"Vot shouldt I pud in it?"
"Vy, money, of course."
"Ven I pudt money in vot do I ged oudt?"
"You ged a pook?"
"Vy is der pook?"
"Vell, if you pudt in' a tousand dollars, de panker
writes it down and hands you the pook>
"Iss der pook vorth a tousand dollars?"
"No ; der pook ain't vort ten cents."
"Den vy do I gif de panker a tousand dollars for a
pook dot aindt vorth ten cents?"
"Vel, den ven der pank busts you look in der pook
and see how much you lose."
"Vell, den cash me diss check, blease."
"Let me see dot check. Aha, as eggspected; id is
from a yeast firm."
"Gee ! maybe it vos raised."
"Yess ; pesides, maybe a placksmith forged it."
"Blease cut out dot anvil chorus."

36

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Myne friend, ve accept nothing but negotiable
paper here."
"Dot makes no difference oudt. I vant der money
or der reason vy."
"Don't you know diss paper is vorthless as der check
idt is written on?"
"I hope you doant make no rejection just by dot is."
"Make no excuses und kindly step aside fur der cash
customers."
"I can proof to you dot I vos a dispositor of diss
pank."
"Dot makes nix cum rouse. Dis check has expired."
"Could you revive it not mit a draft?"
"Ef we cannot raise der vind we haf no palm leaf
fans, so dere is noddings to it yet."
"I make dot <fheck mit mine own endorsings. Not
dot der ink on idt iss not yet vet."
"I spik idt again—dot baber iss no account."
"Vell, I hope so ; I got idt off a countess."
"How much does it call for?"
"Fordy-two dollars, unless idt has changed idts
mindt. Vait ; I vill ask idt."
"Can't you identrifice yourself?"
"Shure; I vas my vife's first huspand."
"You are a fool."
"Vell, I haf sum obbosition yet alreadty."
"Do you vish dis check paid in currency?"
"Nein; mit dot elecdricidy. Vot for is it?"
"Is dot money vot you gif me?"
"Iss it not."
"Idt not iss."

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

37

CLIFF GORDON, "THE GERMAN SENATOR"
>
Friendts and Vellor Voters: I am gladt to address
such a message of beoples, and vill distress you mit all
der elephance dot is in me. Der furst remark vot I
shall make eggsplanashun of vill be capital. I am not
against capital—in fact, I am for all I kin ged of idt.
Dose dot are against idt are up against idt. Effrepody
says dere is greadt prosperity in the coundry and dot
effrobody vas busy and rushing. So dey are, budt dey
doant know vere dey vas rushin' to. But idt is drue
dot dere vas greadt prosperity. Der chails are doing
der piggest pusiness in years. Dot shows der patriot
ism uf der beeples. George Lincoln and Abraham
Vashington stood on der field of Shylock ven der air
vas full uv cannons and sang, "Our Country Is for der
Trusts," undt "Columbia Shumped into der Ocean."
Ound den Vasington sent vord to George Der Fourth
^ dot ve vould spendt millions for defense but vould not
give er nickle for triplets. Vot vas more peautiful
and perspiring don to look at der Statue of Liperty,
dot great peanuckle of success, standting dere in New
York harpor, mid a lemon in von hand and der ocean
in der other? Sheneral Jackson saidt: "Give us equal
righdts." All men are cremated equal. But dey doant
stay dot way. The rich man builds himself a house
he has gotd der landt to puild it on. Der poor man
puilds himself a house; he's got to standt dere and
holdt it in his handt. Der rich own der land and der
got der ocean.
Andt dere vas Columbus. He vas a great man.

38

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

Vere vould ve all haf peen ef he had not disgusted
America? He vent to Queen Isabelle and saidt: "Izzy,
ledt me hav a few schooners." She gave dem to him
and he discovered America. Gif er man a few schoon
ers nowadays and he'll discover er station-house. In
dose days New York vas a wilderness, and dey hadt
to sent dose Pillhunters dere to get a few skins to trade
with the Indians. Now you don't haf to sendt hunters
to New York for skins—dat town iss full uf dem. In
dose tays ven a man makes you madt you shust handt
him a bunch of fists an he trows a bunch of knuckles
into your eye, and dere you was. Now idt iss different.
He hits you first and you are shust vat he says you is.
President Roosevelt is der greatest president vat we
effer hadt. Ef you doandt belief it read vat he says
apoudt himself in der papers. He invented dot new
spelling pissness, and ef it had been adopted a man
couldt write schust so vell ven he vas drunk as ven he
vas soper. And you didn't haf to have no pen nor pen
cil, neider. All you needed vas a crowbar or a monkey
wrench. Roosevelt vas opposed to dot race suicide,
and shows dot in 1906 dere vas more children porn
dan in any other year, and den he turns aroundt and
vants to take all der credit for it. He sents a message
to Congress, vat talks a whole lot but doant say much,
and Congress gifs it der laugh and trows it in der
stove. Den Congress asks for money. Dot's de furst
ting it alvays does is ask for money. In comes der
Congressman and ' says : "Good-morning, Congress.
Let me have sixdy millions tollars." He doant neffer
make no touch for a quarter or a half a tollar. Den

40

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

dey gif up a million tollars of de beeples money to findt
de North Pole, and a wise feller he goes up north and
stays a few veeks and .den comes pack home and says :
"Ve didn't findt der pole, put, gracious me 1 idt is coldt
up dere." Can you beat it? A million tollars shust to
know it is cold, ven you puy a dermometer for nine
teen cents? Den ven Congress adjourns dey sets aside
apoudt $17,000 for a dinner, and invites Chauncey Depew, and he eats up efferyting and den makes a speech.
Who der hell couldn't make a speech after a $17,000
dinner? Before I close I must say a few words for der
vorking man. He joins der union and pays $25 to git
in. He gits a schob at $12 a veek and vorks two veeks,
when de union orders him oudt on a strike and he owes
himself a tollar. Dey put effryting up on the vorking
man. Efen der gas is gone up, and now a poor man
candt efen gommit suicide. He is up against idt both
vays—he candt lif and he candt die.
Dere is Roceffelder, vot is the suberintendent uf a
Sunday school. Effery Sunday he tells his class how
to gidt money, but he doant tell dem how his father
got his. Ef he did he would preak up de Sunday
school. De panks of today haf adding machines so
dey can tell how much you pudt in, but vat dey need
is a machine to dell how much der cashier takes out
pefore he skips. You pass in your money and git a
leedle pook. Dot is so ven der bank busts you know
how much you lost. Ven dey vants a pank president
dey finds an honest man and makes him it, and den in
a few months he is er thief. No vats de use of dis. Vy

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

41

not appoindt er thief der president? Vy should dey go
on spoiling honest men ?

SWOR BROS., BLACK-FACE COMEDIANS.
Sim Williams (just returned to the house of his
former lady love) —"Honey, let me in."
Voice of Girl from Inside—"Who's you?"
"Why, it's me, honey, Sim Williams. I'se done
come back to mah baby."
"Git away from dere, niggah ; you ain't got no latch
key here any moh."
"Come on, Lizzie, open de doah ; it's cold out heah."
"I done tole you las' summer, when you wuz habin'
such a good time, dat zero was er gwine ter ketch yer
bye-and-bye."
"Lizzie, jest look out de window er minut. I wants
ter tell yoh all somefin."
"Say, niggah, wot you think I am? Yoh all ain't
gwine ter git no chance ter bounce er brick on mah
haid."
"Lizzie, I doan mean no troubleness to you, honey.
Jest put your ear to de keyhole and let me whisper
somefin to yer."
♦ "Go way, niggah ; you ain't gwine ter jab no hatpin
inter my haid."
"Say, Lizzie, ef you doan ope dis doah I'm gwine ter
bus' it in."

42

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Dere you is, niggah, flirtin' wif de undertaker
again."
Male Voice Inside—"Lizzie, I think I will be going,
an' right out dis window, too."
"Doan hurry, Harry ; dere's er dog in dat back yard.
,Dere ain't nobody out dere but Sim Williams, and he
ain't so many."
"Maybe you ain't counted Sim up lately. I'se goin'
out de back way, eben if de yard am full er dogs."
FRANK FOGARTY, "THE DUBLIN MINSTREL."
An
asked
I put
guess
going

Irish friend of mine went into a drug store and
for a quarter's worth of little liver pills. "Will
them in a box?" asked the druggist. "Well, I
yes," responded Pat; "you don't think I am
to roll them home, do you ?"

Two Irishmen driving through the country noticed
that many of the barns had weather vanes on them ia
the shape of roosters.
"Pat," said one of them to the other, "can you tell
me why they always have roosters on barns and never,
a bin?"
"Sure," replied Pat; "it's because of the difficulty
they'd have getting the eggs if they put hins away up
there."
"Have ye anny ancisters, Mrs. Kelly?" asked Mrs.
O'Brien.
"An phat's ancisters?" asked Mrs. Kelly.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

43

"Ancisters is the peope yez sphrung frum."
"Divil a bit did we spring frum anybody. We cum
from the rale old stock, and always sprung at thim."
"Aw, g'on, Mike," said the British soldier, attempt
ing to end the argument, "you're a lobster."
"Ye flatter me," retorted Mike; "shure, a lobster is
a wise animal, fur green is his color as long as he lives,
and he'll die before he puts a red coat on."
A maii fell in a river and was yelling for help.
"Help! help!" he cried, "I can't swim."
"Begorry," said an Irishman on the bank, "yez have
an ixcellent opportunity to larn, I'm thinkin'."
A very large and muscular Irish woman had the
little, shriveled-up Mick to whom she was married
haled up in the police court on the charge of assaulting
and beating her. He was the worst dilapidated man
the Judge had ever seen. His arm was in a sling, his
head was tied up, his eyes were blackened and he
seemed scarcely able to stand. The Judge listened to
the big Irish woman's tale of woe, and, unable to stand
it any longer, asked in derision : "Do you mean to say
that little bit of a physical wreck could beat you as
you have stated ?"
"Yer honor, he wasn't a physical wreck until he
tried to beat me."
Pat went into a restaurant with a keen appetite, but
suddenly remembered it was Friday. Without looking
at the bill-of-fare, he said to the waiter :

44

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Have yez any whale?"
The waiter replied that they had not.
"Have yez any shark?"
Again the waiter answered in the negative.
"Will, thin, bring me sum corned beef and cabbage.
God knows, I asked for fish!"

GEORGE WHITING AND THE MELINOTTE
i
SISTERS.
"You have a talking machine at home, I suppose,
Archie?"
"No; she's living with her mother."
"Archie, my sweetheart's birthday is next Wednes
day, and I want to give him a surprise."
"Why don't you tell him your right age?"
"If I should kiss you would you scream for your
folks?"
"No; not unless you want to kiss the whole family."
"Would you marry a girl if her heart was cold as
ice?"
"Yes ; but not if her feet were."
"You are crying?"
"I am not; I am singing."
"My, how easily some people are deceived."

j IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
45
*
"What is your idea of married life?"
"The foreclosure of a mortgage on a man's inde
pendence."
"Will you be true to me when I am gone?"
"Yes; but don't be gone long."

HARRY GILFOIL AS "BARON SANDS."
Early to bed and early to rise—but you wont meet
very many prominent people.
A little bit of powder and a little bit of paint makes
a woman what she ain't.
Life's the biggest joke of all.
Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage;
And well he knew in that far-distant age.
A stage it is, whereon Comedian Fate
Don't crack his jokes his whims to satiate.
And after all the struggle, talk and fuss,
The curtain falls—and life is one on us. /

LEO CARRILLO, TELLER OF CHINESE YARNS
I will relate to you a few Chinese stories which I
picked up around Chinatown, San Francisco, while en
gaged as a journalist in that city.

46

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

A lady wanted a Chinese boy to wait on the table,
and went to a Chinese (bmployment agency to engage
one. The attendant brought out a pudgy-faced little
fellow about fifteen years of age, when the following
conversation occurred :
Lady—"What is your name?"
Chinee Boy—"Ah Lung Hop Sung Toy Fung Hou."
Lady—"Oh, that name is too long. I could never re
member it, so I will call you John."
Chinee Boy—"Alle lite. What your name?"
Lady—"My name is Mrs. Charles Algernon McTavish Robinson."*
Chinee Boy—"Oh, helle! Your name too long. I
call you Charlie."
The boy was engaged, and soon after the Bishop
was expected to dine at the house, whereupon the lady
said: "The Bishop will probably ask you three ques
tions—your name, your age and where do bad boys go.
To the first question you must answer John, to the
second fifteen years and the last just point downwards.
That night the bishop came, and, as expected, asked
the Chinee boy his name.- Without waiting for the rest
of the questions, he replied blandly: "John, flifteen
year, go to helle."
Another lady in San Francisco had two Chinese ser
vants, a cook and a house servant. One day a halfstarved tramp rang the bell of the house, which was
answered by the house servant. He smiled at the
tramp and asked: "Wot you want sabbe?"
The tramp explained he was nearly starved, and

I
IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

47

asked for something to eat. The Chinaman replied:
"You wait ; I see cookie." He retired to the domain of
"cookie," and, returning with the same happy smile,
asked: "You like fishee?"
The tramp replied eagerly that fish was just to his
liking, when the chink said consolingly:
*
"All lite; come alound Fliday."
A Chinaman had been murdered by another of his
race, and a third chink ,had been arrested as a witness
to the deed. When the case came to trial the judge,
knowing the propensity of the Chinese for long-drawnout tales, notified the interpreter that he wanted no
long discourses, but simply the answer "yes" or "no"
to the questions asked. The first question asked was
whether or not he had seen the shooting. The witness
received the question through the interpreter, and then
began a stream of Chinese jabber that lasted unceas
ingly for five minutes, when the judge, interrupting,
said to the interpreter: "Cut that out. Tell him to
hush. What does he say?"
The witness smiled innocently and replied : "He
say no."
I went into a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco
and ordered a dish with a funny sounding name which
proved to be a rich stew, full of onion, bamboo shoots,
rice and a rich, dark meat, which I presumed was duck.
It did not, however, taste like duck, so I called the
Chink waiter and tried to ask him if it was duck. He
did not understand me, so I pointed to the stew and

48

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

said: "Quack! quack!" Then he understood, and his
face broke into a broad smile as he shook his head and
said: "Bow-wow!"

HAYES & JOHNSON, COMEDIANS.
"I am ^always moved at the sound of music."
"Let me play something for you at once."
"When I die I want to have graven on my tomb
stone, 'There is peace in Heaven.' "
"Hadn't you better have graven, 'There was peace in
Heaven.' "
"I trust I make myself plain."
"You don't have to. Nature attended to that for
you."
"Do I look better in widow's weeds ?"
"I don't know about your looking better, but I guess
you feel better."
"I hear your brother committed suicide."
N
"Yes; he attended a Hibernian masquerade ball
dressed as a Spaniard."
"Mrs. Hotfoot, who lost her thumb in the railroad
accident, has recovered $10,000 damages."
"Why was her thumb so valuable ?"
, MYes ; it was the one she kept her husband under."

"I am always moved at the sound of music." "Let me play
something for you."
Page 49.

50

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
CLAYTON WHITE' AND MARIE STUART.

"Had my brother been drinking when you saw him ?"
"No, he hadn't been drinking; he was just leading a
three-day jag around by the hand talking to it like a
child."
"Are you going to bring me violets every day?"
"No ; I'll send you up a package of seed and you can
raise them yourself."
"If you don't marry me I shall go to the dogs."
"Don't trouble; I'll Unchain ours."

FORD AND SWOR, BLACK-FACE COMEDIANS.
"I heah your brother Bill has passed away."
"Yes ; poor Bill is no moah."
"Wot was the complaint?"
"Dere wasn't no complaint. Everybody was puffickly satisfied."
"Oh, no; you don't understand me. I mean what
was the cause of his demise?"
"I don't know what made him close his dam eyes,
but he didn't open 'em no moah."
"Oh, you blockhead ; I mean of what disease did he
die?" '
"De doctah said it was er diabetes."
"I wish he had er died befoh he beat me."

52

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"I heah dere gwine ter pass sum new game laws."
"Yes, but dey'll never feet de crap games none."
"I pass de plate in our church and de niggahs giv
accawdin to dere means."
"Yes, and dere meanness."
"I understand dey has finished your new church and
that it will be open soon."
"Yes, we is gwine ter dessicate and confiscate it next
Sunday."
i
"When yer see er higgah wearing er three-dollar
Prince Albert and er wearin' a high hat it's er suh
sign
"
"Dat his wife takes in washin'."
"Does you know why money is lik er secret?"
"No; why is it?"
"Kase it's hard ter keep."

RAYMOND AND CAVERLY, GERMAN COME
DIANS.
"Vell, vat haf you to say apoudt vot you did lasdt
night ven I took you oudt py der saloon. You vas a
foxy Dutchman, you vas. You drank effery dime anypody else dreated and neffer pought von drink your
self for nopody. Ven you couldn't drink no more you

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

S3

took cigars till you got two pockets full, and den when
you schust hadt to dreat you passed around dose cigars
vot de odder vellows had pought. Den you ate all der
free lunch you could holdt and vanted ter wrap der
rest of it up and dake it home ? Vot did you did midt
dot half-dolloar vat you hadt but neffer spendt?"
"I pought myself a house and lot at Vest Arlington
mid it."
"Vas it a bargain?"
"You bedt it vas. I pay der fifty cents down and er
nickel a veek der rest of my life."
"Did you gid er condract?"
"Vell, I hope, yes. Dere is er cat's clause in it."
"Er cat's clause. Vot is dot for ?"
"So as if you doandt like it, you can scratch it oudt."
"Vos dot all?"
"Oh, no. Vorse don dot. If I die pefore I git done
paying for it, den it goes to my widow."
"Pudt suppose you are not married?"
"Den it goes to my children."
"Vy haf you neffer married?"
"Pecause voman vos a delusion."
"Acht, Got in Himmel! I know now vy men like
to hug delusions."
"You vos swift, all right."
"Vot is swift?"
"Swift is der quickness with vich a fool and his rich
vife's money vas soon parded."
"Hadt a skiddoo omelette lasdt night."
"Vat is it, a skiddoo omelette?"
"Vy, you dake 23 eggs and beat id."

54

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Oh, you haf de weazels."
"Vat is de weasels?"
"Dot is a disease vot affects der memory for
chokes."
"Yes, I guess idt vas a cousin to dot odder disease,
Chestnutitis, vich affects der wocal chords and makes
people dig up jokes vot haf been det a long time."
"Now, I haf a few, dwenty-tree, conundrums for
you. A man has sefen sons. Der oldest vorks in a
shoe store and geds sigsteen per veek. Der udder
five play der races. Vot is der answer? Who pays
der putcher man ? Der answer is dwenty-dree.'*
"Is it?"
Here is anoder von."
"Vot is vos?"
"A man writes two letters. Von vos wrote to his
typewriter plonde, who vas avay on a vacation and de
odder vas to his vife, who is also avay on a vacation,
but not so eggspensively. Dwenty minutes after dey
vas mailed he reggolected dot dey vas der right letters
put in der wrong envelopes. Vich vay did he duck
to der tall pines and how long dit he stay py der shin
gle in ? Der answer is dwendy-tree."
"Vell, ve will go py some verses yet—much verse, I
guess. Here dey are vot I read in der destimonials in
der bapers."
Dear Dr. Nickel—My vife ate a pickle ;
I gafe her your tonic—it vas a boon.
I am feeling oudt of sight,

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

55

For my heart is gay and light.
Her funeral it takes place this afternoon.
Dear Dr. Gilley—Our darling little Willie,
He used to go to church or lecture hall.
He took your tonic frisky
And washed it down with whiskey.
Now he don't go to Sunday school at all.
Dear Dr. Loker, I dink you are choker;
I dink you make a monkey pissness, say:
Our father, old and crusty,
Is getting young and husky.
Ven vill dot insurance company haf to pay?

ECKERT AND BERG, COKraT>IANS
"Do you know the best cure for the blues?"
"No ; what is the best cure for the blues?"
"Paint them red."
"What is oblivion?"
"Getting married."
"Have you told your father you are engaged?"
"Yes, but not to whom; he has been sick and I want
to break the news to him gently."
"Do you believe that music is the food of love?"

I0OO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE
"Yes."
"Then we'll buy a phonograph on installments and
start housekeeping right away."
"How do you stand on the local option question; in
other words, what position do you hold regarding the
saloon ?"
"Usually the side entrance."
"If you were a widow I would not marry you."
"Why not?"
"They are always looking out for number one."
"I differ with you; I think they are looking out for
■ number two."

W. E. WHITTLE, VENTRILOQUIST.
"I did not see you in church last Sunday."
Patsy—"I guess not ; I took up the collection."
"I hear you have been ill, couldn't get your mind on
your business, couldn't sleep, had no appetite, etc."
"Yes, I have been feeling badly of late ; what would
you advise me to do?"
Patsy—"Marry the girl."
"Have you any bad habits you cannot cure?"
Patsy—"Yes, I am ashamed to say. I have."
"What are they?"
"Voting for Bryan."
"Did you ever consider thut it is better to be alone
than in bad company?"
Patsy—"Yes ! Good-bye."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

57

MORROW AND SCHELLBERG, COMEDIANS.
"While you were in Europe did you see any ro
mantic old ruins?"
"Yes, and one of them wanted to marry me."
"How did you get into society—marry into it?"
"No ; divorced into it."
"If I were to die, you would wait for me on the other
shore, wouldn't you?"
"I guess so; I've had to wait for you everywhere
else."

RAY COX, COMEDIENNE.
I will discourse this evening just a trifle on the sub
ject of matrimony. Now don't get gloomy. Cheer up ;
the worst is yet to come. For matrimony we have
found a cure at last, so there is no need for you all to
be weeping out there in front at the mere mention of
the word. We have invented a new marriage certifi
cate, which has a divorce coupon attached, and all you
have to do is to tear off the coupon and you are free.
Isn't that nice? I knew you'd like it.
An old colored man down South, where I come from,
whom we all called Uncle Eph, decided to commit
matrimony, but he could not get into direct communi
cation with the dusky matron who had won his heart
for the reason that she was out at service some miles

58

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

away from where he lived. They had a telephone in
the house, however, and he decided to propose by
wire. He called her up and the conversation was
something like this:
I "Dat you, Mandy?"
"Yes, dis is Mandy; what's de fussness?"
"Mandy, I jest done called yer up ter ask yer ef you
would marry me?"
"Yes, suttingly I'll marry you ; who is you ?"
Well, after they were married, they had a niece from
Richmond visit them, and one evening Uncle Eph sees
her sitting on the porch with a strange coon, who had
his arm around her waist.
"Look heah, Sidonia, you bettah tell dat coon to
take his arm away from you, honey," said the old man.
Sidonia looked at him in contempt, and said : "You
bettah tell him yourself; he's a puffick stranger to me."
A peddler traveling through the country sold to
Mandy a highly colored chromo of one of the Catholic
Cardinals, in his red robes of office. She set it on the
mantel, and when Eph came in he gazed at it a few
minutes and said : "Mandy, whar you git dat picture
ob de fireman?"
Mandy gave him a look of disgust in return and re
plied: "Dat ain't no fireman, you fool niggah; dat's
Gwage Washington."
Later on Uncle Eph and his wife had a disagree
ment, and it was reported he had beaten her. An old
woman who called was sympathizing with her and
said: "Mandy, dey's get er law down yeah wot puts

60

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

er man in jail wot beats his wife. Am yer gwine ter
let 'em put Eph in de jail?"
Mandy looked at her with withering scorn and re
plied : "I doan care wot dey does wif dat niggah when
he gits out ob de hospital."

JOE DEEMING, MONOLOGIST.
I have a friend who had a saloon, but he didn't do
any business until he changed its name to "The Coun
terfeit." Now nobody can pass it. He decided to ad
vertise it a bit and made still further success. He had
the ad published in the newspaper next to the joke
column. He wanted the trade of those driven to drink.
Another fellow I know is being sued for divorce by
his wife on the ground of misrepresentation before
marriage, she claiming he told her he was well off. He
was, but he didn't know it.
Now I am going to tell you a few things about our
family doctor. He is a wonder. I saw his carriage
stop across the street the other day in front of Smith's
house, and when I saw Smith I asked him if anybody
was sick or if it was anything serious. He said it
was and that it cried all night. They say a doctor can
cure everything but an aching heart. Our doctor
cured one of them. He married the girl. A fellow I
know met me today and told me he had been drugged
and robbed last night. When I asked him why he
didn't notify the police, he said it was no use, his doe-

62

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

tor did it. Mother had indigestion and doctor told her
she must chew her food and asked what God had
given her her teeth for. She told him He didn't give
them to her ; that she bought them. He also told her
she needed rest and she asked him to look at her
tongue. He said that was what needed rest most.
She said she was worried about money, but he said he
would soon relieve her of that. He is a great doctor
all right. An old lady next door to us was just linger
ing at the gates of death, but he pulled her through.
Just befor. she died he asked her if there was any
wish she desired to communicate before dissolution
and she said: "Yes, she wished she had engaged an
other doctor." Our doctor once asked mother if father
was regular in his habits. She said only in his breath
ing. Doctor was talking the other day about an op
eration he was going to perform, and I asked him if
he thought the man could stand it. He said he had to
stand it; he was a millionaire. A man who suffered
with shortness of breath went to our doctor. He soon
put a stop to it. Doctor has some great patients, swell
people ; all of them have the dropsy. The other day he
invented a new cough syrup and he says it never fails.
He tried it on one of his patients and he coughed up
$9 he had been owing him a year or more. When
father was sick doctor came to see him every day and
he soon got well. He told the doctor he would never
forget him for saving his life, and doctor told him he
owed him for fourteen visits, and please not to forget
that also. He said father had the grip, which was
especially dangerous from the fact that it was so often

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

63

followed by dread qonsequences. Father said yes, he
expected that; his bill, for instance. An old German
across the street had been ill and doctor called to see
him. The moment his wife opened the door the doc
tor started backwards and asked, excitedly, how long
he had been dead, but his wife smiled and said he
wasn't dead, but was sitting up eating some limburger
cheese. Doctors are like millionaires, anyhow. They
take life so easy. Two doctors live next door to each
other in our block. They remind me of a double-bar
reled gur —what one misses the other kills.

AL LEECH AND THE THREE ROSEBUDS.
"Does your father ever swear?"
"We don't know; we are never in the room when
he is shaving."
"You say your uncle lived a whole year in America
and transacted business, yet never learned a word of
English?"
"Yes; he lived in Milwaukee."
"They tell me your cook only broke one dish yes
terday."
"Yes ; that's right."
"How did that happen?"
"It was the last one."
"Can either of you girls tell me what a skinflint is ?"

64

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Oh, yes; we all can."
"Well, then, what is a skinflint?"
"A man who has a lot of money, which he don't give
to people who haven't done anything to entitle them
to any of it."
tf
"What is that makes statesmen great?"
"Death."
"Can you girls tell me what the Great American
desert is?"
"Yes, sir. Prunes."
"Do you girls ever quarrel?"
"No; we live in a flat, and there is no room for
argument."

WALTER C. KELLY, "THE VIRGINIA JUSTICE"
"The court is now open. Dan, invoke the bene
diction."
"Oyez. Oyez. God bless the honorable court, God
bless the Honorable Judge and God bless the Com
monwealth of Virginia and the Old Dominion."
"The first case on the docket is Taylor Simms and
Amelia Brown, charged with disturbing the public
peace by using profane language and fighting upon a
public highway in violation of the statutes and peace
and dignity of the state. Dan, got that pair there?"

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

65

"Yes, Your Honor; here they are. Look like tough
niggers, too."
"Your name Taylor Simms?"
"Yes, sah, mah full name
"
"Never mind your full name; I want your name
when you ain't full."
"Your name Amelia Brown?"
"Dat's mah name by mah fust husband."
"Well, that will do. What you got to say about
this Taylor?"
"Jedge, I'm jest er going ter tell truly wot happened
and no moah. I was er going elong the ribber road
last night and I done past de house where dis har
woman libs and I heard some noises wot make me
think dere wus er party going on dere—fiddlin' an
sech, jedge. So I thinks I ter mahself well, ef I doan
go obber, dey gwine ter think I stuck up. So I goes
ober and raps at de doah, real nice an' gentle like, and
I say Melia, what you all doing in heah, real nice and
perlite like. Dat niggah done cum to de doah like er
cyclone and yells right out loud at me : 'Niggah, beat
it while dem brogans is good.'
"I say, look hyar, Melie, dat ain't no way ter treat
me, and she done say, Niggah, git while yer able, fore
I done turn mah bulldog on you. Dat make me mad
an I say, Melie, ef you talk to me like dat I'm er swat
you so hard dat I'll knock you out frum under dat
Merry Widder hat you wear Sundays.
Den she say niggah, when you talk like dat ter me
ah see an open grave an er couple of grave diggers

66

IQOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

gitting busy wif you. Den she say she gwine in ter
unchain de dawg and ah just faded away, jedge."
• "Amelia, you have charged this man with assaulting
you. What did he do?"
"Jedge, dere ain't much dat niggah didn't do, and
I'm er gwine ter tell you all de truf erbout it. Dat
business erbout last night and him er trying ter butt
in on de party wuz de truf, kase he wasn't invited and
he wusn't wanted, but dis heah sault done curred dis
mawnin' in de Ivy Grove Cemetery. Ah had been tak
ing de wash home ter Mr. John Henry Stone, out near
Manchester, and was er takin er short cut home
through de cemetery, when ah comes ercross dis nig
gah putting gravel on de walk. Soon as he spied me
he yelled out, 'Hey, you flat-foot wench ! wayfoh you
not let me in dat party last night?' I done tole him
dat ah knowed how he done eat at parties and dat dis
one wasn't fur him. Den he say ah am no good and
he gwine ter scandalize mah character. Ah tell him
ef he do dere is gwine ter be one niggah crap-shooter
missing frum whar he lib. Den he say he gwine ter
slap de taste outen mah mouth. An dat he gwine ter
knock me so far dat it will cost $8 ter send me er'postcard. Den he askt me what section of de cemetery I
prefer ter be planted in. Ah done tole him dat he wus
a wuffless niggah and ef he got gay wif me ah could
jest hear him er saying 'Good mawnin', Jedge.' Wid
dat, Your Honor, dat nigger done slam me up ergainst
er monument so hard dat ah done think de angel
gwine ter fall off de top."

i

68

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"You say he slammed you up against the monu
ment?"
"Did he slam me ! Jedge, he done slam me s® hard
ah got 'Sacred to the Memory ob somebody' printed
on mah back right now."
"Well, how about it, Taylor?"
"Jedge, dat niggah certainly can lie. Ah done nuffin
ter her til she tried ter cut er biscuit outen mah neck
with er tin kittle and she done slandered me sumfin
awful."
"Well, I guess you all both been drinking too much.
Lock 'em up for 24 hours, Dan."
"The next case on the docket is Robert Carter. Got
him there, Dan ? He's charged with being drunk and
shooting craps."
"Heah ah is, judge, but ah ain't no crap-shooter, and
dat's me."
"Thirty days, and that's me."
"Put him back, Dan."
"Say, you big fat niggar, git out of that window ; it's
hot enough in here now; you all keepin' all the air
out."
"The next case on the docket is Violet Adams, Rose
Johnson and Magnolia Thompson, charged with dis
orderly conduct, drunkenness, profanely cursing and
swearing on a public highway, acting in an indecent
manner, fighting with the intentions to wsund, main,
injure and disfigure each other against the peace and
dignity of the Commonwealth of Virginia. (Sot that
bouquet there, Dan?"

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
"Here's the bunch, judge. They are daisies."
"Well, what you all got to say about dis year riot?
Come on, Violet, tell us about it."
"Jedge, dat wusn't no riot; dat wuz jest er little
jealousy. Dat was all. We done bin ter er meeting
ub our lodge and wuz on de way home, when de dis
cussion done started erbout dem 'Merry Widder' hats.
Ah got one, jedge, and dem udder two is still er wearin dere sunbonnets and dats how de trouble begin.
We didn't fight, jedge, we wuz jest er pushin each
other wen dat officer cum erlong and tuk us in."
"Magnolia, you and Rose want ter say anything?"
"No, sah; we all done greed ter stick ter whatever
Violet sez."
"Oh, you all did, did you?"
"Dollar and costs each. That amounts to $3.70
each. Lock 'em up, Dan."
"The next case is that of Absolom Greentree,
charged with being drunk.
"What you got to say about the load you was toting
home, Absolom?"
"Jedge, youh honoh, ah didn't hav no load. Ah
doan dri ik. I jest done set down ter rest and fell
ersleep."
"Do you all generally take naps on the car tracks.
It's er wonder you wasn't run over and killed. And
the turnkey says he found a pint of gin in your coat
pocket."
"Yes, Jedge, but ah wasn't er gein ter drink it."
"What was you all goin ter do with it, then ?"

yO

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Ah was jest er goin ter steep mah bread in it,
Jedge ; dat wus all."
"Ten days. Put him back, Dan."
"The next case is Mose Thomas, Antonio Giovionni
and Patrick Rafferty, charged on the oath of Officers
Ryan, Hatfield, Mason, Howard, Lee, Simpson, Bry
ant, Sylvester, Schleuter, Amos. Here it's a wonder
we didn't have to call out the militia to get you all in.
You are charged with rioting on a public highway,
fighting, disturbing the public peace, swearing on the
street, wilfully maiming and abusing each other and
a whole lot more.
"Hear Nigger Mose, I will hear you first. What
you got ter say?"
"Jedge, you honah, ah gwine ter tell you de Gawd's
truf. Ah was er mopping up Mistah Pat Griffin's sa
loon, when dat crazy Irishman cum down de street
whoopin like wild Indian and say as how we wuz ergwine ter kill a few niggahs jest fur fun. Ah sez go
on, Irish, you is making too much sturbance, de people
can't sleep. Den he says, 'Niggah, can't you sleep!"
and I says I certainly can't. Den he say, well, I cer
tainly gwine ter put yer to sleep and he done pasted
me one in de eye and ah didn't know nuffin fur fifteen
minutes. When ah did cum back ter dis year earf,
he wus er trying ter kill de Italian and ah did swat
him er few wif de mop."
"What have you to say, Tony?"
"Please, Meester Jedge, I keepa da fruit stand.
Nicea banana a finea fruit. Alla nicea ripe."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

71

"Here, don't go boosting your stock to me. Tell me
what happened last night."
"Wella, Meester Judge, I was a standing at de fruit
stand er trying ter sell der banan, when diese Irish
man he cum erlong and starta to squeeze er der banan
and I say, 'Pleeze, Mister St. Patrick, don't squeeze
er der banan. Squeeze er der cocoanut.' Den he say
he want ter buy some of der banan and he pick up
some of de green ones and I say doan't take a dey
greena ones, greena no good. Den, Judge, I don't
know what a da happen next. I falla behind de
stand."
"What have you to say, Rafferty?"
"Judge, your honor, I was going home lasth night
a sick man. Thinks I to myself, Patrick, maybe a
little fruit will make you feel better, so I goes up to
this dago's stand and starthed to pick out a few ba
nanas, when he tells me not to squeeze the bananas,
but to squeeze a cocoanut. Then he picks up a green
banana and sez they are no good, that nothing green
is any good. With that he drew a knife on me and
the nigger started at me with the mop, and I was run
ning fur me life, when the officers came up and ar
rested me."
"I don't believe a word any of you three been tell
ing me. Thirty days each. Dan, lock them up."
"Hey, Mr. Brown, ef you all gwine ter see dat circus
parade, it's jest up at de next block."
"Dan, hold that bunch of niggers over until tomor
row; I got to see the circus parade. Court's ad
journed."

72

ieO® LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
OTTO BROTHERS, GERMAN COMEDIANS.

"I can hardly stand my feet on, Osgar, I feel like I
must jiggle (jigs a few steps). How do you like id?"
"R-r-rottenness ! You fall der stage all ofer. Vot
makes you trip so muchness, Adolph?':
"Dot iss der folt of my feet."
"Yess, I see dey wass vedded bud nod mated. Vot
iss der ailing mit dem ?"
"Von of my toes is a light fantastig."
"Took my advices."
"Und vot iss he?"
"Went to der harness store un haf dem fit you mit
toe weights."
"Better I voult haf my nails clinched. Observation
me closeness vile I do a Highlant fling." (Dances).
"Vell, you dit not fling dot von ferry far. Can you
woltz?"
"Sure. Like a ball of yarn."
"Blease make no notions store. For why like a yarn
ball?"
"Becoss it vinds arount, arount, arount."
"Ef you hat der properly kint of shoes, I shoult say
you might make me a clog dancing."
"Dese are clog shoes."
"Dey look like ash-barrel Oxfords."
"Vell, dey are clogs. I dropped dem in der reservoyer vonce, und dey seemed to clog der vater subbly."
"Schottische me a few shots."
"All righd. Get me some ammunootion."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

73

"Und dot iss?"
"A can of foot powder, ha, ha, ha !"
"Can you did a buck und ving dance?"
"Nod so wellness. I dried to ving dance vonee, bud
I vass in such a flutter my fedders fell."
"Vot iss your spekialty?"
"Der East Indian egg dance, bud I haf no eggs."
"Oh, go ahead. Der gallery vill furnish der eggs."
"In dot case I refusal to berform mitouid der aid of
a net."
"Dry a fandango."
"Ferry vell. Has der audience anyboty got a palm
leaf fan. No?"
"Voult you oblitch mit der lancers?"
"Yess, but fairst I haf to haf a boil. Howefer, gif
me your faforite brand of nickel zigars und I vill ac
commodation mit a torch dance."
"Blease a quadrille."
"All right, in a minuet."
"Vot iss der most sizzling dance you know of?"
"Vy a red-hot polka."
"Ah, bud you can nod der muscle dance."
"Can'd I? Yust feel my biceps."
"If der audience vill kindly kip id's feet anchored
we vill make dot new Zooza two-step in ragtime called
•Der Vash Rag.' "

ARTHUR DUNN AND MARIE GLAZIER.
"Will you be good?"
"Yes, if you will."

74

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"There are two periods in a man's life when he don't
know a woman."
"When are they?"
"Before and after marriage."
"Arthur, do you love me?"
"Yes, dear."
"Will you always love me?"
"Yes, dear."
"Your love will never grow cold?"
"No, dear."
"Do you think
?"
"Say, woman, what have you gone and bought now
and ordered sent home C. O. D. ?"
"I know lots of women who haven't any sense of
humor."
"Yes, and I know lots of men who haven't any
sense at all."
"But you must admit marriage is a blessing."
"Yes; but, then, think what a lot of other things
it is."
"A man wrote me a letter yesterday and asked me
to marry him. What kind of a writer is he?"
"A joke writer."
"T am quite sure you will be delighted with your
aew dress."
"Why so?"
"Because the bill nearly knocked me senseless."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

75

"How is it I saw a girl hugging you last night?"
"I can't imagine unless yeu were peeping through
the keyhole."
"Your father was a good man."
"Indeed he was; no three policemen could handle
him."
i
"How does your brother take married life?"
"According to directions; his mother-in-law is liv
ing with him."
"Love is a disease."
"Yes, and in most instances a lingering disease."
"Why do men eat with their knives?"
"To sharpen their appetites, I guess."

MELVILLE AND HIGGINS.
"I can't get a divorce."
"Why not?"
"Because I am not married."
"Is marriage a lottery?"
"Yes, and alimony is the capital prize."
"I am riding an electric motor car."
"Mine is hydraulic."
"What?"
"Yes, I'm riding the water wagon."

IOOO 'laughs from vaudeville.
"What do you think of my new hat?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen the bill yet."
"Do you believe matches are made in Heaven?"
"I guess so; I don't think they need them in the
other place."
"Did you ever forgive an enemy?"
"Yes, once."
"What prompted that noble action?"
"He was bigger than me."
"What would we do if we saw ourselves as others
see us?"
"We would not believe it."

A VAUDEVILLE FABLE.
BY JACK NORWORTH, "THE COLLEGE BOY."
Once or twice upon a time there lived a female sin
ger. She was a lady. She was a lady because she
didn't have to tell everybody that she was. She had
been in vaudeville from the time it was low down
variety up to the present stage, where it is called Vode
Veal. She had a dandy voice. She could knock the
tar out of a coon song and when it came to chirping
a ballad, she was there. The audience liked her be
cause they could understand every word she said.
She had been head-lined at Pastor's three times, and
never played South Bend. She never took less than
five bows no matter where she was on a bill. After
she had a strangle hold on the American vaudeville

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

77

patrons, that Nell Melba wouldn't have sneezed at,
some kind friend went and told her that while her
enunciation was bully, still there were times when she
sang flat and did not breathe properly. Dear, kind
friend also stated that she should lay off for a whole
year and take vocal lessons. No sooner had this idea
got firmly planted in the singing lady's brain than
she proceeded to act on it. She cancelled all her en
gagements for a solid year, took a flat in New York
and commenced to pass out the' root of all evil in large
sized chunks. She took three doses of vocal instruc
tion each week at $100 a copy. Her instructor used to
live next door to Herr Conried, and consequently
knew all the latest didos for the voice. The singer
worked hard and at the end of the year she could bat,
out a high C that was a dinger, and as for singing
"Queen of the Roses" and "Zendo"—nothing to it.
You couldn't tell what she was singing about, but that
didn't matter, because she had a cultivated pair of
pipes. She booked some time in vaudeville and the
expectant public said welcome to our city. As she
walked on the stage for her first appearance after her
year's study, the audience settled back in their seats
and said: "Here's where we get the big musical treat
of the season for 10, 20 and 30, with a few rows re
served at 50 cents." She started in to sing. They lis
tened very attentively. It. listened good, but what
was it all about? Several looked through their pro
grams to see if the words were printed there. Stung.
One kid in the gallery sang out, "Nix on that ; sing us a
coon song, or else beat it." The singer gave one re

78

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

proachful look at the gallery that had always been
there with a large applause, and, midst the wildest
kind of a stillness, she snuck off the stage a frost.
Moral : Never meddle with the pack after the cards
have once been shuffled.

FELIX AND CAIRE—CONVERSATIONAL
COMEDY.
"Young doctors are queer propositions."
"How so?"
"They are exceedingly good-tempered, yet they lack
patients."
"My, but you have a washed-out look!"
"Quite possible ; I used to work in a laundry."
"Why is it women so seldom make their wills?"
"They don't have to make them; they have them
all ready made."
"My business has gone to the wall."
"What business are you in?"
"I'm a paperhanger."
"Will you love me when I am old?"
"That is a question to be decided by gray matter."
"Time is money."
"Hard times aren't."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

79

"Do you find dancing for the stage difficult?"
"I should say not; it's just as easy as falling off the
water wagon."
"Experience is the best teacher."
"I know it; I used to play the races."
"I have always dreaded premature burial."
"Don't worry; that can't bury you too soon."

LEO DONNELLY—THE MONOLOGUE MAN'S
TROUBLES.
Talk about your talk abouts! This monologue
game in a community that hasn't been broken in to
the dress-suit variety is the limit. I have been about
everything that a young American with red blood and
a desire to see the lively side of the world could be.
In turn, I have been cow puncher, a rough rider in the
war with Spain, a "jacky" in the Navy, a comic opera
impresario in Cuba, a newspaper man, an actor, the
proud owner of a cafe, and various other pursuits
which I am both too prosperous and proud to mention.
Case-hardened doesn't begin to describe my mental
condition until this monologue thing came off. Noth
ing short of a dynamite explosion under my ivory
couch I thought would jar me. Yet here I am with
frazzled nerves and subdued egotism nursing the sor
est spot in all my memory.

80

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

Pottsville! A few months ag® I didn't knew yeu
were on the map. Now you stand for everything that
is cruel, unsympathetic and brutal. You have wrecked
the hauteur of one of the proudest souls in Philadel
phia. It is a sad story, my children. Listen as I tear
a yard or two of it from my blistered memory. I had
beaten together a monologue that I thought and am
still convinced was the goods. I had told it to many
a sour face, and had seen the lines of surliness soften
to toleration, then to amusement and finally to curve
upward in crackling laughter.
"Gadzooks and likewise odds bodkins!" said I to
myself; "I shall gather some kale with this stuff."
A friend who thought pretty well of the stuff got
busy and obtained for me an engagement with an
agent who has a string of up-state vaudeville houses.
This agent said before sending me out :' "I have given
you four weeks of a start—one each in Pottsville, Mahoney City, Hazleton and Carbondale. If you make
good—mind now, if you make good—then I'll try
to get you a week in Chester;" and as he held
this glittering bait before my eyes, he thrust
his thumbs in the arm-pits of bis vest and blew smokerings to the ceiling.
"Fine and dandy, for a start. Not Keith's, of course,
but a beginning. A friend who'd been over the exten
sive circuit named by the agent advised me to wear
green whiskers and carry a slap-stick, but I scorned
the advice.
"Navair'r're," I exclaimed, "I have a persaaality.
Never shall it be said that Leo Donnelly sullied the

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

Si

fair art that Henry Irving, Coquelin and ethers of
their class have made illustrious. Never shall it
"
- "Tut, tut," said my friend sententiously, "you've
been through a war or two, but you have yet to play
Pottsville in evening clothes."
Well, he was wise and I was otherwise. I blew into
Pottsville on the afternoon of a rainy day. Miners
from St. Clair, Cumbola, Palo Alto and other fair sub
urbs of Pottsville clustered together and decorated
the floor with their favorite brands of fine cut. I
rushed on in my most debonnaire manner and ripped
off a lot of rapid-fire, get-the-laugh-quick stuff, ex
pecting each moment to be interrupted by uproarous
applause. Nary a burst ; nary a laugh ! It was hard,
oh brothers, it was hard. With entreating smiles, I
turned from face to face in that stolid crowd as joke
after joke fell from my lips. They only sat and
glared.
At eight o'clock I went on again, but nary a smile
did I get. To go on again at nine and tell the same
stuff to the same people who did not laugh at eight
was a little too much, but I was game. Possibly they
thought that I was only rehearsing at eight.
I wondered why the people stayed from eight to
nine, but I was told that they were waiting for more
pictures, which were also there. Pictures at this place
makes art look like a broken-down snow plough in
August.
There were two drummers in the audience who
seemed to enjoy my chatter, so I very promptly ig
nored the rest of the people and played to them.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
$n At the hotel, after the show, these same drummers
congratulated me and told me I was immense I
learned subsequently that these drummers were good
^.iitmart fellows and sold a lot of goods.
That's about all.

FELIX AND CAIRE, CONVERSATIONAL
COMEDY.
"Your mother has six or eight new boarders, hasn't
she?"
"Yes; how did you know?"
jgr "I saw her in market yesterday buying a half-pound
more of everything."
"Why don't you keep your hair combed?"
"I have no comb."
"Why don't you buy a comb?"
"Because then I'd have to keep my hair combed."
"I met such a polite gentleman on the street yester
day. I ran my umbrella into his eye and apologized
and he said: 'Don't mention it; I have another eye
left.' "
"Did you get home last night before the storm ?"
"Sure; there is never any storm at my house until
I do get home."
"How is it I saw the policeman hugging you last
night?"

1000 LAUGHS FR0U VAUDEVILLE.

83

"I don't know unless you peeped through the key
hole."
"There is only one thing in this world, after all."
"What is it?"
"Money."
"Oh, yes; there is something else."
"What is it?"
"More money."
i
"Shakespeare says man has seven ages., but woman
has only three."
"What are they?"
"Sixteen, nineteen and twenty-four."
"What Is an alibi?"
"It's a man not being where he was."
"How do I look in this Merry Widow hat?*
"Under it, you mean."
"Yes."
"Well, you look very small."
"Does your wife support you?"
"No, but she holds me up every pay day."
"There is a man simply crazy about me."
"Is he? Why not make him take something for it?"
"He is going to take something."
"What?"
"Me."

84

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE

"Does your wife talk in her sleep?"
"No; in mine."
"Are you a believer in war?"
"Yes ; I am married."
"What do men mean by the bitter end?"
"The last of a five-cent cigar."

WILLA HOLT WAKEFIELD, PIANOLOGIST.
"AIN'T HE THE LIMIT, NELLIE?"
(The Chorus Girl's Wail.)
He wants me to give up me stage career,
To cut out me cigarettes and beer,
And to go to school for about a year.
Ain't he the limit, Nellie?
The bubbly water he says must go,
And those lobster things that I love so;
Say, wouldn't he have me awful slow?
Ain't he the limit, Nellie?
He says he intends to marry me,
And convert me into a grand la-die ;
But not for mine, I can't see it, nixee.
Ain't he the limit, Nellie?

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
I think I will have to say skidoo,
It can't be that he loves me true.
He wants too much, like all men do.
Ain't he the limit, Nellie?
If that guy was so stuck, you see,
He wouldn't want no change in me,
As I am, not as he'd have me be.
Ain't he the limit, Nellie?
And then the spotlight would never shine
On me Venus figger wot's called divine;
That married life dope is not for mine.
Ain't it the limit, Nellie?
Say, Nell, you've heard of this wishing thing J
Just wish and somebody sure will bring
Whatever you want—most anything.
Ain't it the limit, Nellie?
Well, I was out with the swellest Guy ;
So I says to myself a wish I'll try,
And I wished for champagne—I was awful dry.
Wasn't that the limit, Nellie?
I thought at first 'twas the old-time steer,
Where you hanker for wine and get only beer,
With the bum excuse that fizz is too dear.
Ain't it the limit, Nellie?
Well, I kept on wishing the whole darned way ;

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
I wished every step to that swell cafe.
Till "A bottle of wine" I heard him say.
Well, that was the limit, Nellie.
Then I started to wish for his bank roll fat,
And a big pearl pin in his red cravat ;
Well, that's where me wishing fell down flat.
Wasn't that the limit, Nellie?
So I says to myself men is all alike,
Sometimes they plunge, but more often pike;
So I think all alone through this life I'll hike.
Ain't it the limit, Nellie?
And it's twenty-three with this marriage game,
Where their ain't no papers to print yer name,
Nor no Sunday Telegraph picture fame.
Ain't it the limit, Nellie?

THORNE & CARLETON, CONVERSATIONAL
COMEDIANS.

f

"I have never loved before."
"Well, I'm not running a kindergarten."
"I can remember the day when you said the word
that was to make me happy for life."
"Yes ; but you said the wrong word.",

j
"You looked so absent-minded when I saw you this
morning."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

87

' "Yes ; I was wrapped up in my own thoughts."
"My, but it is a wonder you didn't catch your death
of cold."
"I tell you it is endurance—staying quality—that
makes a man in this world."
"Then you ought to be a howling success."
"Was I sound asleep last night?"
"If there was half as much sleep as sound you
were."
"Do you believe raw oysters are healthy?"
"I never heard of one of them complaining of being
sick."
"It is deeds, not words, that count."
"Not when you send a telegram."
"Why do they call certain convicts 'trusties'?"
"Because most of them were formerly connected
with trusts."
"Why don't you and my brother John get together,
shake hands and be friends?"
"I owe him too much money."
"I once knew a man who really enjoyed moving."
"You did?"
"Yes; he lived in a houseboat."
"What do you grow in your garden?"
Tired."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
"I never deny my wife a wish."
"I didn't know you were that wealthy."
"I don't have to be wealthy; it don't cost me any
thing when she wishes."
"Haven't I seen your face somewhere before?"
"Yes ; that's where I generally carry it."
"No, on the level, haven't I met you somewhere?"
"Likely; I generally keep on the level, for I hate
climbing hills."
"Now I mean on the square."
"Yes, I was always on the square."
"Now, no joking; were you not in London last
year?"
"Yes."
"Stopped at the Hotel Cecil?"
"Yes."
"Well, I was in Australia last year."
"You inherited your laziness from your father?"
"No, I didn't; he's got his yet."
"I often wonder, considering your age, why you
have that big bald spot on your head."
"Will you keep it a profound secret if I tell you
why?"
"I faithfully promise I will."
"Well, my hair fell out."
"D» y®u believe love is a disease?"
"Yes; lingering and incurable."

IOOO LAUSHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

89

"How do you take married life?"
"According to directions. My mother-in-law is liv
ing with us."
"Don't you think she has beautiful teeth?"
"Yes; they're like the stars in heaven—out every|
night."
"This morning," says the female member of the
team, "I saw my maid Henrietta kiss you on the fore
head."
"Well," responds the man, "what of it? Didn't 1
call her down?"
"I dreamed I was married last night."
"Were you happy?"
"Yes—when I woke up."
"Say, I almost saved a lot of money at the races."
"At the races?"
"Yes. ' A man told me he had a good thing."
"Well, did he?"
"Um-hum! I was it."
"You didn't have very good luck at the race track,
did you?"
"Oh, yes ; fine yesterday."
}
"Yesterday?"
"Yep! I didn't go out."
"Now, you go straight home."

9*

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"I can't."
"Why?"
"I live around the corner."
"Well, all you did when you boarded here, anyhow,
was to growl."
"Why wouldn't I growl? All we got to eat was
sausage."
And then the male member of the team lapses into
yerse. This is the result:
"Willie went to tack the carpet
And he gave his thumb a jam,
Which made Willie very angry,
And he softly murmured:
Mother! Mother!
Bring the liniment!"
No More in Stock—Farmer Gives His Progressive
Son-in-Law Warning.
A farmer who had wedded and buried four wives,
all sisters, went to call on his father-in-law. The old
gentleman, who was rather deaf, had still one daugh
ter left to him—Lizzie.
Said the visitor:
"I want Lizzie."
"Hey?"
"I want you—to give me—Elizabeth."
"Oh, you want me to give you Elizabeth?" What
for?"
"I want to marry her."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
"Hey?" .
*I want—to—marry—her."
"Oh, I can hear you. You needn't let all the neigh
bors know what you've come round here for."
"Well, can I have her?"
"Yes" said the old gentleman, after a reflective
pause. "She's the last, but you can have her. You've
had 'em all now, my boy. But if anything happens to
that poor, misguided girl I give you fair warning you
needn'd come and ask for the old woman, because you
won't get her."

He Needed It—Actor Who Stopped Too Soon to Get
the Other Boot.
Some provincial touring companies make a profit
from their audiences in more ways than one.
Such a company was playing "The Broken Vow" in
a small town.
The audience didn't appreciate the performance, and
eggs, cabbages and potatoes rained upon the stage
with striking persistency.
Still the play went on. The hero raved and tore his
hair, dodging the bouquets of turnips that were also
forced upon him.
Finally a gallery auditor, in a paroxism of rage,
hurled a heavy boot, and the actor, thoroughly
alarmed, started to retreat.
"Keep on playing, you fool," hissed the manager
from the wings, as he hooked in the boot with an um
brella. "Keep on till we get the other one."

•

92 (

1000 LAUGHS *R0M VAUDEVILLE.

In a town in Lebanon county, Pa., where everything
is up to date and the ladies are always planning some
hew scheme, a strange thing happened. A "White El
ephant" party was announced, and each guest was re
quested to bring something that she could not find any
use for and yet too good to throw away.
The party would have been a great success but for
an unlooked for development, which broke it up.
Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.
A philanthropic man heard the other day of a family
who were in extreme financial stress. He took a trip
around to the poor, miserably furnished home and
found the occupants were having a hard struggle to
get enough to eat. He gave three $5 bills to the gaunt,
half-starved looking mother and told her to spend it
as she thought best.
A few days later he returned to see how the family
was getting along. All the members in sight looked
poorly fed.
"Did you buy some groceries with that $15?" he
asked.
"Well, no," the mother replied, with some hesitation.
"You see, it was the first time we had had so much
money all at once, and it looked like such a good
chance that we each fixed up and had a dozen cabinet
photographs taken."
"But why did you leave your last place?" the house
keeper asked of the new would-be cook.
"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

93

way the master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum.''
"Dear me ! Do you mean to say that they actually
used to quarrel?"
"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an'
him it was me an' her."
During the recent cold spell a group of men were
swapping stories of former experiences in that line.
Many of the stories were decidedly of the fish variety.
Presently one of the number apparently decided to
break up the meeting. "The weather you fellows are
talking about," said he, "is like a tropical picnic in
comparison to what I experienced in Aaska last win- "
ter. Why, one day I set a bucketful of boiling water
outside my door and it froze so quick that the ice was
warm."
A village doctor, whose most troublesome patient
was an elderly woman practically on the free list, re
ceived a sound rating from her one day for not coming
when summoned the night before.
"You can go to see your other patients at night,"
she said; "why can't you come when I send for you?
Ain't my money as good as the other people's?"
"I don't know, madam," was the reply ; "I never saw
any of it."
An old negro was recently brought before a
justice in Dover. It seemed that Uncle Mose ha4
fallen foul of a bulldog while in the aet of entering
the henhouse of the dog's owner.

94

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Look here, Uncle Mose," the justice said, "didn't I
give you ten days last month for the same thing?
Wasn't it the same henhouse you were trying to get
in? What have you to say for yourself?"
Uncle Mose scratched his head. "Marse Willyum,
yo' sent me ter de pen fer tryin' to steal some chickens,
didn't ye?"
"Yes; that was the charge."
"An' don't the law say yer can't be charged twic«
with the same 'fense?"
"That no man shall be twice placed in jeopardy for
the identical act—yes."
"Den, sah, yo' des hab ter let me go, sah. Ah war
after de same chickens, sah!"
During a trial in West Chester a young physician was
called as a witness. Counsel for the other side, in
cross-examining the youthful medico, gave utterance
to several sarcastic remarks tending to throw doubt
upon the ability of so young a practitioner.
One of the questions was : "You are entirely familiar
with the symptoms of concussion of the brain?"
«Tl am. >»
"Then," continued the cross-examiner, "suppose my
learned friend, Mr. Taylor, and myself were to bang
our heads together, would we get concussion ®f the
brain?"
"Your learned friend, Mr. Taylor, might," suggtstctf
the young physician.

THE GEM

LIBRARY ("SP)

PRICE 10 CENTS
THIS SERIES, made from new plates, contains
the latest Jokes, Monologues, Witty Sayings and
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Artists of the day. Laugh and the world laughs
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2 Irish Jokes, Wit and Humor,
8 Dutch Jokes
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IS Card Tricks
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IE Maglo Made Easy
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26 Stage Jokes
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28 Puzzles
80 Vaudeville Joke!
81 How to Make Low
82 How to Become Beautiful
88 Ventriloquism
84 Variety Jokes
85 Irish Jokes—A New tbsfj
86 Smiles—All Jokes
8T Complete Letter Writs*
88 Love-Letter Writer
89 Business-Letter Write!
40 Battling Ford Jokes
41 Sparring and Boxing
42 Soaring Jokes
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44 Caon Jokes
46 Good Time Joke!
46 Prize Jokes
47 Snappy Jokes
48 Smart Set Jokes
49 Jolly Jokes
E0 Band Wagon Jokes

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