The Austin Cut - Issue #11

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APRIL 2012

ANYTHING FOR A CLEAN SLATE
If a drug conviction won’t ruin your life, drug court will

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Served
by Marie Scott

CaShing in early doeSn't feel like winning

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drink of the month
we're on the wagon thiS Month
by lisa van dam-Bates

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anything for a clean slate
by Brandon roberts

if a drug ConviCtion won't ruin your life, drug Court will

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a tale of two Burgers: Part ii
louiS getS Slutty and attraCtS SoMe Burger attention
by louis fontenot

. 12

Issue 11 April 2012

even if you don't get off your aSS all Month, you Can Still aPPreCiate the literary MeritS of our Show liSt
by Josh newport & Curtis grey

april Show listings SeXSCaPeS
by anderson rodriguez

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drunken lovin' and why anderSon Should've Been SPanked More aS a Child

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austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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Served
Staff
editor-in-Chief
Brandon Roberts

CaShing in early doeSn't feel like winning
by Marie Scott About a year ago I went out to breakfast with some friends. We were hung over and starving. It was a weekday, and definitely past noon, but we found a Mexican restaurant that was still serving breakfasty things. There were six of us and we all paid separately. I rarely look at the itemized receipt, but I happened to glance at it this time. It seemed high. I’d only had a couple of breakfast tacos and a margarita. There at the bottom, after the tax was an automatic gratuity charge. Had the waitress not liked us? Over half of our party worked in restaurants, didn’t she think we would tip appropriately? These feelings that flooded me momentarily were ridiculous, of course. How could she possibly know that we were service people? Why would that matter? There were six of us, and she was covering her ass. I remember being on the other side of things, when a coworker was contemplating adding the automatic gratuity (15% where we worked at the time). He thought the table might tip more if he didn’t put it on. At the time it struck me as the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. I’d recently come from a restaurant that didn’t allow automatic gratuity at all. After a couple of ten person tables with $300 checks that left less than a 5% tip, I vowed to never hope for the best when the stakes were so high. But after being auto-gratted myself, I understand the unpleasant feeling the practice seems to ignite. I think that sometimes you will make more if you leave it up to chance (what is with all this gambling? I think I need a new profession). I can honestly say, that no matter how poor my dining experience, I’ve never been able to not tip. When I had the worst dinner of my life at Polvo’s – my waitress stank (not literally), the food wasn’t good, my bill was wrong, etc. I still talked

Managing editor
Lisa van Dam-Bates

Music
Louis Fontenot

Calendar
Josh Newport, Curtis Grey

Copy editor
Nick Longoria

Columnists & Contributors
Anderson Rodriguez, Marie Scott

Photographer
Aaron Robertson

advertising director
Lisa van Dam-Bates

Contact
e-Mail
[email protected]

Phone
(512) 221-2136

the austin Cut
1712 E. Riverside Dr., Box 56 Austin, Texas 78741

about this issue
Drugs, sex, rock ‘n’ roll? You’re in the right place. March was one hell of a month. Oh shit ... I almost forgot: I gotta warn my friend that I’m exposing his weed hiding spot in this issue. So here’s to April!

myself into a solid 20%. I usually try to give my server the benefit of the doubt, but in this particular instance, there was no doubt that she did not give a shit about her job. I know it’s dumb, but I still couldn’t get over the fact that she’s only making $2.13/hour, and how shitty that is. In retrospect, I wouldn’t leave her 20%, she really didn’t deserve it. But I still can’t see leaving nothing. Recently we had an Austin Cut meeting at Spiderhouse. It was a Friday night, they were busy, and we had eight people in our party. Our waiter was pretty good. Our food took forever, but he apologized profusely and even gave us a free appetizer. When the check came, I was only bummed about the automatic gratuity (18%) for about half a second. That weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and the insecurity-driven feelings of “he doesn’t like me?!” were almost instantly replaced with “duh, it’s Friday night and there are eight of us.” One of our staffers, who I won’t mention by name, was pissed about the automatic gratuity. He’s a waiter, and is all about customer service – as am I and anyone who is worth a damn in the restaurant industry. My unnamed friend didn’t feel like we got very awesome service and said that no matter how many people were in a party at his restaurant, if he didn’t take the best-ever care of them, he wouldn’t auto-grat them. In a busy restaurant, a lot of things can go wrong that make service slow. Cooks can mess up orders and tickets can get lost. Your server depends on a lot of people to make your experience perfect, and things often happen that are out of your server’s control. I think just by going out on a Friday night, you’re

asking for less than par service, unless you’re going somewhere sort of fancy. I didn’t mind in the slightest paying my 18% (and slipping a couple extra bucks when the rest of our disgruntled table wasn’t looking). When it comes down to it, things would have to be worse than they were at Polvo’s for me to complain to a manager. And that’s really the bottom line. If your dining experience is bad enough for you to complain to a manager, then you shouldn’t have to tip, if you don’t want to. If you don’t feel the need to see the person in charge, then you should just pay your bill, whether the tip is on it or not. Restaurants make an automatic gratuity policy (usually for parties of six or more) because large parties are a pain and are hard to accommodate, especially when it’s busy. Large parties put additional stress on the kitchen. And a big table will fill up a server’s section, making up a significant part of their income for the night. As far as restaurant owners are concerned, a big table that stays long after they’ve finished eating means no turnover, or less food sold. What it comes down to is that, financially, (for servers and owners alike) a big table is a higher risk. Automatic gratuity is there to protect employees from getting financially fucked. In regards to my coworker gambling his tip on a large table, however risky it may have been, he was right. Getting auto-gratted feels bad. Not all of us can rationale our way out of those negative feelings. Sometimes, you’ll make more if you don’t demand your money up-front. But, sometimes you’ll get seriously screwed. My problem is: I don’t like to gamble, but I wanna win big.

Artists and Journalists:
Do you think Austin is ... how do I put this ... tame? Good. We do, too. Help us liven up this ‘burg! If you’re a writer with journalistic tendencies up or an artist/illustrator/designer who can whip on-the-fly, send us an e-mail. some rockin’ shit Send some stuff you’ve done in the past, and what you could bring to our collective “table.” e We’ll buy you a drink, make people think you’r get your work out to over 10,000 readers. cool, and SpecificallyWriters: We’re looking for people who can investigate subjects (there are a TON of them) and put together an article that is more than a collec l sentences. tion of quotes and transitiona Artists: We’re looking for people who can work on a deadline, and make custom art that will end up on the cover of The Cut. If you’re flaky, you won’t be a good fit!

of thiS Month dr ink wagon the Mo nt h we're on the

by lisa van dam-Bates It seems like everyone has been taking it easy after SXSW. Literally everyone I’ve been hanging out with (including myself ) is taking a short break from the bottle. We’ve all got different reasons–I’d like to lower my drinking costs and tolerance, Anderson made some bad drunken decisions, Brandon’s had one too many gnarly hangovers. In any case, this is the first and hopefully only month that I recommend something alcohol free or virginish to drink. All month I’ve been gulping down a couple variations of the same beverage. Coffee soda. Here are my recipes for the month. All of these revolve around chilled espresso shots. If you don’t have access to espresso, just make some really strong coffee and chill it in the refrigerator. Mexican Coke with chilled espresso. Does anyone remember Coke Black? It was delicious. As far as I can tell, this is the same thing. Soda water with chilled espresso. This one is seriously bomb. It’s got that coffee taste, zero calories, and it’s delightfully refreshing. If you think being sober is utterly boring (you’re right), you can use Kahlua or any coffee liqueur in place of the espresso or in addition to it. When I fall off the wagon, I’ll definitely be sippin’ on some adult coffee sodas.

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The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

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anything for a clean slate
if a drug ConviCtion won't ruin your life, drug Court will
by Brandon roberts Getting busted with drugs is easy—just jump in a car with ‘em. But that doesn’t stop any of my friends from carrying their drugs everywhere they go. I have one friend who keeps this little Pokémon ball ashtray in his car full of weed. It sits right next to the regular ashtray. If I were a cop and I saw that thing, that’d be the first place that I would look for drugs. I told him that, but it didn’t even faze him. He’d been pulled over before a few times, gotten tickets, and never got searched for drugs. Never mind the horror stories like the one about the little Honda packed full of 19 year-olds that got pulled over for forgetting to use a blinker, and before anyone knows what happened, half of them have got their backpacks ripped open, drugs spilling out of the compartments, and they’re all going to jail. That couldn’t ever happen to him! Well, keep on “hiding” your drugs in your Poké balls and glove compartments, people. You can just go ahead and count the days before you’ll be strapped down, with the cops firing up that cattle brand, about to get “Possession of a Controlled Substance” permanently fried across your face. Imagine for a second that the flaming-hot iron is a couple inches from your skin. You can feel it scorching your flesh and it hasn’t even touched yet. And then someone bursts into the room: “Wait! He’s eligible for drug court! Drop the iron, we’re gonna forget this whole thing happened!” And then they look to you: “So what’s it gonna be?” I think you’d take the drug court—the best way to get your charges not only dropped but completely erased from your record. A clean slate. Drug courts are a total product of the 80s and 90s bullshit about “getting tough on crime,” minimum sentencing, more drug cops, and psychos like Ronald Reagan. The jails filled up fast and the courts got overloaded. But people didn’t stop using drugs. Not even a little bit. The first American Drug Court popped up in 1989 outside Miami. Crack cocaine problems were supposedly getting so nasty that officials decided to try something different. Punishing and permanently labeling someone a criminal didn’t help “deter” them from breaking the law, so maybe treating them would. The Dade County (Miami) Drug Court became the model for drug courts everywhere: an intense, year-long program where people volunteer to stay sober, take regular drug tests, go to classes, do acupuncture, and sit through all sorts of counseling and rehabilitation. If they completed the program, their criminal history would be sealed, which would hopefully open job opportunities. (Who wants to hire a convicted drug dude, right?) If they fucked up, they’d see punishments get more and more serious until they were kicked out. “Save it for the judge.” Punishments could be anything from writing 6 4 a paper to jail time. People all over the country liked the idea and cities all over started their own drug courts. The 77th Texas Legislature passed a bill requiring all Texan counties with over 550,000 people to create drug courts. Today, there are thousands of drug courts across America. The Travis County Drug Diversion Court, aka the S.H.O.R.T. program (System of Healthy Options for Release and Transition) started in 1993. The court’s website is pretty empty. But it does tell us that its mission is to “serve the people of Travis County by reducing substance abuse and related crimes” and its objective is “for the client to achieve a drug free lifestyle and become productive participants in our community.” People can get into the SHORT program a couple ways. Program coordinators told me that, normally, “people go in front of the judge, and the judge says, ‘Hey I think the SHORT program would be a good thing for you.’” Then the SHORT program gets the referral and they start the application process. A lawyer can also help their client apply for the program. But either way, the program is voluntary. I called up Jamie Spencer, a battle-hardened Austin criminal defense lawyer with 15 years’ experience, to get some SHORT program legalese. (Spencer talks fast as hell, and runs one of the few local blogs worth even looking at: austindefense.com.) He explained that once someone gets into SHORT, their case is “literally diverted into kind of a fake court, it’s not a real court, it’s not an elected district court, it doesn’t have actual felony jurisdiction. Basically the SHORT program is like a private agreement between the state and the defense lawyer and the defendant.”

the Travis County Drug Court's office is modes t

The agreement being that if you complete the drug court, your case will be dismissed. Not everyone can get into the SHORT program. There’s a whole process and list of requirements that people gotta meet before they can get in. Things like drug dealing, doing anything violent, warrants, suicidal tendencies, or being “medically unstable” will get your name scratched off the list. The court looks at every applicant and does interviews and research. They look at things like “amount of drug found” and they also keep in mind that “a drug court should really be treating the high risk, high need people.” Spencer said the most common reason for clients not getting in is that “they are not

enough of a drug addict, that they don’t need SHORT in the first place” and that there basically aren’t “enough spots in the drug court program for the number of people that would do well.” SHORT coordinators denied that. “No, that’s never been a problem. We never deny somebody because the program was too full. Not since I’ve been here.” When you look at the numbers, it’s not hard to believe there aren’t enough slots. Since at least 1998, there’ve only been 300 people in the SHORT program at any time. Compare that with 5,897 drug (possession of controlled substance and dealing com-

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The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

bined) arrests in Travis County that Texas officially reported to the FBI in 2009. Now compare that with the 2010 “Community Justice Plan” that claimed “25,555 charges booked in Travis County were substancerelated” in 2008. And that’s coming from the Travis County Sheriff and the Adult Probation Department. I’d say SHORT could use a couple more slots. So who is getting treatment? What kinds of people actually fill the SHORT program? In one of the few scientific studies of the SHORT program, two researchers in 2005, Cunningham and Stone, found that “over half of the SHORT clients were white and about one-third were female.” 36% were black and only 8% were Hispanic. 72% of the SHORT group was employed. A 2003 Texas State-funded study (“Initial Process and Outcome Evaluation of Drugs Courts in Texas”), found that 52% of the drug court were white, 30% were black, and 18% were Hispanic. This isn’t what the Travis County Jail looks like. In 2006, the jail was split almost evenly: 33.2% white, 34.1% black, and 32.6% Hispanic. Only 38% of Travis County inmates were employed in the month before getting arrested. Of the total Texan drug arrests in 2009, two big numbers stood out: 3,418 of them were for marijuana and 1,528 were for crack/cocaine. I asked SHORT coordinators if they saw a lot of marijuana users go through the program. “Yeah. We get marijuana. We get a whole lot of it. It’s one of the major. It’s one of the prevalent drugs of choice right now, among drug users. Marijuana is a real big deal.”

A 2007 report by the Texas State Legislative Budget Board (LBB) said that of all the Travis County felony drug arrests, 92.6% of them were for crack or cocaine. “Crack/cocaine appears to be the primary problem in Travis County,” it said. And if you’ve ever hung around East Riverside like most of the Austin Cut has, you’ll agree. I read this number to the SHORT people and asked about how many

ple in the program. “Well … it’s just random. It’s which people are referred to us through lawyers, through the court system, through pretrial services. And when we get that person, we’re not looking at their ethnicity. We’re looking at if they meet the requirements of the program. If they do, they’re in.” And how could you argue with that? It’s hard to actually know whether or not

there’ve only been 300 people in the SHORT program at any time. Compare that with 5,897 drug arrests in Travis County that Texas officially reported to the FBI in 2009. Now compare that with the 2010 "Community Justice Plan” that claimed "25,555 charges booked in Travis County were substance related.”

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cocaine users they get. I got a list: “we get crack cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin, ecstasy, hallucinogens, prescription drug addicts.” I interrupted, “so you get everything.” Them: “Yeah.” I asked why there were so many white peo-

these programs can really make a dent in the drug problem. They treat such small amounts of people, compared to how many are flying in and outta the back seat of cop cars and courtrooms, that scientists can barely agree

on anything they find in reports. Recidivism, or getting rearrested for a similar (drug) crime, is usually what researchers look at. The results of the studies are really sensitive to things like how long after the drug court researchers check in on people, the definition of “recidivism,” what violations count, and a billion other variables. Most scientific drug court reports end with inconclusive or “statistically insignificant” results. One thing most researchers seem to agree on is more testing is needed. How the comparison group gets chosen is another reason why studies fluctuate so much. Totally random groups have way different results than ones matched by race, gender, employment, etc. The State of Texas’ findings are super optimistic. In their “Initial Process and Outcome Evaluation…” they took a group of SHORT graduates and a comparison group, and checked on them two years after release. The comparison group was way younger and smaller. It also had way less whites, more blacks, and more Hispanics. Younger people get rearrested quicker. Minorities don’t do as well in drug court programs, for some reason. Basically all the differences between the groups are things that would make the SHORT group look better. The result of the study isn’t surprising: 24.5% of SHORT graduates were rearrested within two years versus 45.5% of the comparison group. They added that none of the completers were incarcerated (found guilty and imprisoned) compared to 14.1 percent of the comparison group who were. Now let’s look at an actual peer-reviewed

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austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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scientific study. The Cunningham and Stone study, “Effects of a Drug Diversion Court on Client Recidivism” (2005), took 50 SHORT graduates and made a control group of the same size from people who were screened out of the program or were eligible but didn’t volunteer. They tracked them three years after the start date. This was marked as “acceptance to SHORT” or “conviction” (probation or jail). There’s one important thing about this study. Instead of randomly grabbing people who were in SHORT and then comparing them to random people who weren’t, in this study they matched everyone in the SHORT group and the control group based on what type of person they were. So each group basically had the same amount employed people, people with criminal history, blacks, whites, Hispanics, males, females, married people, etc. They found that there was basically no difference between the groups when it came to getting rearrested on drug charges. Actually, the SHORT group had one more drug arrest than the control. The SHORT graduates also got rearrested faster than the control group (almost “three times faster”). They guessed that “the SHORT group may have failed earlier simply because they had access to freedom faster.” Another study, done by UT’s William R. Kelly, found that 38% of Travis County drug court participants got rearrested after one year versus 41% of a comparison group. When I branched out of Travis County and looked to Tarrant County, I found similar things. In a 2000 study of Tarrant County’s drug court, researcher Al Bavon found that the 1-year rearrest rate for the drug court group was only 4% better than the comparison group. This study also looked at things like bookings, time sentenced, and time to arrest within that year. 59% of all people in the study booked on any charge were from the drug court group. Out of the 19 people sentenced to jail time or prison in the study, 10 were from the drug court group. Also, on average it took three months less for the drug court clients to get arrested again. The Department of Justice says that drug courts list recidivism rates anywhere from 2-20%. As you can see, the numbers are all over the place. Maybe that’s just what happens when you get a small group of druggies together and try and perform statistical experiments on them. Maybe Texas is right and drug courts really do “end the cycle of drug abuse and crime.” Or maybe drug courts are full of shit. Who really knows? The only thing we can really agree on is that busted drug users tend to get busted again. “For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world.” -TITUS 2:11 One of the oldest models of drug abuse is the moral one. You can trace it right back to the good ol’ word of God. In the moral model, the addict is spiritually corrupted—that’s why they use drugs. The first American anti-opium law was a San Francisco ordinance. Charles Terry’s 8 4

Drug courts across Texas
1928 book, The Opium Problem, says that the authorities investigated the dens and found “many women and young girls, as well as young men of respectable family, were being induced to visit the [Chinese opium smoking] dens, where they were ruined morally and otherwise.” Opium was outlawed and only outlaws smoked opium from then on. Cocaine was made illegal thanks to ridiculous claims of wild Southern blacks getting high and molesting white women. “Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers” smoked marijuana, so that was made illegal, All along, doctors had been hinting at the disease model of addiction. The theory goes back hundreds of years, but it wasn’t made official by the American Medical Association until 1956. Alcoholics Anonymous was started in 1935 by Dr. Bob and Bill W. It’s credited for making the disease model of addiction popular. Dr. Bob was an alcoholic before prohibition and when it came around, in 1919, he still couldn’t quit. Being a doctor, he discovered “medicinal” alcohol, bootleggers, and a way to keep on drinking. Bill W., with the help

drug Counties with marked courts are in grey. Some counties (Like the ones in West Texas, surrounding Tom Green County) share a single drug court. As you can see, the majority of Texas' counties are without a drug court. l The Ysleta de Native Sur Pueblo (Near American land so has its El Paso) al drug own separate court.

"We even listened to tapes of water running with our heads down. Not sure how you get off of drugs that way, but it was required.”
too. And there’s only one way to deal with a morally crooked outlaw: throw away the key. The arguments against alcohol around Prohibition were moral, too. The Temperance Movement associated drinking with the evils of saloons, German-Americans during WWI, prostitution, crime, disease, and (of course) death. of Dr. William Silkworth, was able to get off alcohol by thinking about alcoholism as an illness, not a corrupt habit. Do I really need to tell you that AA was successful, revolutionized drug rehab, and exploded across the country? These days, the disease theory is mainstream. Drug courts follow this model, and

send clients off to rehab programs as fast as possible. SHORT coordinators told me, “we work with all the treatment programs in the surrounding areas. We work with employment agencies. We work with GED programs, we work with sober types of housing. Whatever we need to help our client.” Drug courts aren’t rehab centers, though. They’re part of the criminal justice system. So if a person fucks up, drinks or gets high, then there are punishments. It’s agreed that the person is an addict, a slave to their drug using. But at the same time they’re supposed to also be rational enough to be thinking about whatever legal consequences are waiting. Can a real, hardcore addict do this? Would someone with nothing to lose even care (or even be in the program at all)? “We do have to apply certain sanctions in order for them to learn from the process. With addicts, sometimes they get away with a lot in their lives and they manipulate,” the SHORT program told me. A “sanction” (fancy for punishment) can be anything from “writing a paper or letter to somebody, to community service hours, to a weekend in jail.” Defense lawyer Spencer said that having to re-do a phase of the program (this can be several months) or jail time are the most common punishments. I was contacted by an ex-SHORT client who talked about his time in the late 90s. John got arrested during a warrant roundup weekend where the cops get a list of a bunch of people with unpaid tickets and pound on their doors. Supposedly, and trust me when I say this story isn’t extremely believable, he was with

The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

“30 people in the holding cell and the jailers found a baggie on the floor, and picked me to take the fall for it.” The judge recommended drug court to John’s lawyer. John took the SHORT program to get out of the felony drug case. He described daily life in the SHORT program. “They wanted you to go to AA/ NA meetings 3 times a week, and their own classes several times a week, which were a joke. Stress management, where we had acupuncture and took walks around the block. We even listened to tapes of water running with our heads down. Not sure how you get off of drugs that way, but it was required.” John thought drug court “would be easy, but they require so much per week and the times of the classes don’t fit into anybody’s regular work schedule.” So, he missed a lot of work. “If you were behind on classes due to work, you couldn’t advance to the next phase … if you missed work to go to the classes, you had no money for fees. Then, on top of everything else, you had night court and random drug testing. You had to call daily and were assigned a color, and if that day was your color, you had to take more time off from work to go in for a UA.” He said that eventually he got so stressed out that he started taking drugs. “Everybody had them there.” So, of course, he failed a bunch of drug tests. He ended up on a “fast track” where he had to take 9 UAs a week plus everything else. In my interview with Jamie Spencer, he said that a good lawyer should let the client know what they’re getting into with drug court. “I tell everybody, yes, this is only one year, but actually it’s kind of like getting 2-5 years of probation all shoved into one year.” I asked John, since he was innocent and all, why he didn’t just fight the charges. He said he could have fought the charge in court, but he was “scared about even having a felony.” John’s off drugs these days, but he’s bitter. “I went into jail for a $113 [ticket] owed and walked out with $4,500 in lawyer fees,

bail, classes, and a drug habit. The program doesn’t work… The only person who can kick a habit is themself. I kicked it by myself, ‘cause I wanted it. I didn’t have to take classes or NA to tell me to kick it.” Who knows? So maybe John was an addict. You’re only an addict if you won’t admit it. Stress makes people relapse. It also makes them use more drugs. So putting people in a stressful drug court seems backwards, to say the least. That’s why when you see TV shows with rehab facilities, there are always people just lounging … you know, Zen, and all that bullshit. There are a ton of twisted science experiments where they take rats, get them addicted to heroin or cocaine, take them off the drug

their carpet, and ex-heroin-addicted rats look for heroin. Then there’s the good ol’ Viet Nam heroin case. Only 6% of American soldiers who’d used heroin ended up re-addicted after three years back in the states, despite 75% of them admitting they were addicted while there. The American Psychological Association doesn’t even use the word “addiction.” Even those losers, the ones who called being gay a mental disorder, take the high ground and say “substance dependence.” They define it as tolerance, withdrawal after stopping, and ignoring the problems that come with use. You could stretch that out onto almost any drug (legal or not) or activity if you wanted to. A constant habit of taking drugs isn’t necessarily addiction. I’ve heard a billion losers

sessing illegal drugs … illegal.) Punishments for drug possession can be anything from community service, to fines, to restrictions on where you’re allowed to be in public, to getting licenses taken away. Studies show that there was a slight overall increase in drug use, that HIV rates fell by huge amounts, drug deaths didn’t happen as often, young people used less drugs, the amount of drugs found by police increased, the criminal justice system’s workload got smaller, and the price of street drugs fell (dealing was less lucrative). Usually, heroin users are treated with methadone or buprenorphine. But there’ve been European studies on different strategies for treating drug users—treating them with their drug of choice. Studies on heroin-

ments There are a ton of twisted science experi heroin to where they take rats, get them addicted a while, and or cocaine, take them off the drug for t happens. then shock them for a second and see wha the drugs. The rats almost always run straight for
for a while, and then shock them for a second and see what happens. The rats almost always run straight for the drugs. Actually, one researcher working with heroin rats even said that “the effect [of shocking them] was very similar to that seen following a priming infusion of heroin.” Stress made the rats try to get more heroin, basically as much as giving the rats actual heroin did. Another study showed that 1-day starvation had the same effect as a shock. It seems like people naturally “self-medicate” to deal with stressful things. Some people drink, some smoke cigarettes and pace back-and-forth until they wear a hole in brag about how “addicted” to coffee they are. Cigarettes too. And trust me, everyone in the Midwest is on a half-gallon-of-vodka-everythree-days routine. Just living there, if you can even call it living, is stressful enough. Bruce Alexander built “Rat Park” (also the unofficial name of the study), a giant rat paradise cage compared to the little prisons they normally got for his 1970 drug addiction study. Rat Park was populated with a colony of rats. Then there were other rats who were isolated in small, boring cages. All rats had access to two water sources: one was normal, the other had morphine. Researchers tracked the rats and how much morphine they took. Isolation rats used a lot of morphine. The colony rats avoided it, but they’d use more drugs once they got moved into the cage. When the isolation rats were moved to the colony, they’d mostly stop taking drugs, regardless of the withdrawals. This, like the Viet Nam case, goes against the opinion that any amount drug use causes addiction. Drug courts, even though they’re really small, are a billion times better than prison. For some reason, we’re keeping the number of people allowed in drug court at a constant low, while the number of people in Travis County and the number of drug arrests goes up. In 2001, while Texas was just starting to look at their drug courts to try and figure out how effective they were, Portugal decriminalized all drugs. Instead of the prison sentences they were handing out, they made and started sending busted users though Commissions for the Dissuasion of Drug Addiction (CDTs). The goal of these CDTs is to convince the user to stop taking drugs and to get them into drug rehab. Dealers, people caught with more than 10 days’ worth of a drug, still went to jail. (The United Nations demands that countries make cultivating, distributing, selling, and postreatment have shown that, compared to methadone groups, the users have better health, stay with the program longer, use less other-illegal or street drugs, and some even get jobs, homes, and start families after long periods of not. Harm reduction will be the future of drug policy, unless some seriously dark-ages shit happens. The fact that drug courts in Texas are “treating” people for marijuana addiction, while other parts of the country are straight up selling it as medicine is totally crazy. I don’t care what anyone says. Marijuana isn’t addictive. Try looking for scholarly articles about marijuana addiction, treatment, and withdrawal. They’re hilarious. One even poetically tries to describe the “constellation of symptoms: irritability, anxiety, marijuana craving, decreased quality and quantity of sleep, and decreased food intake.” As far as I’m concerned, those are mostly good things. No normal person should eat or sleep as much as a pothead. The most successful “treatments” basically come down to giving the drug users the drug they want. Their drugs!!! Anything less and the users stop doing what the researchers and, eventually, what the authorities want. If you want to argue that all we need is harsher punishments, get up there and demand we castrate these sick fuckers. Then we’ll really see whether they’re gonna stop or not. Maybe the ultimate realization about drugs, prohibition, and this “war” will be that you can’t tell anybody what the hell to do, and good luck trying to force them. At least with most drug people, their only crime is using drugs and they’re not going to stop. So what’s the point in even trying?

120,000 100,000

Drug Arrests in Texas 1990-2000

80,000 60,000 40,000 20,000 0

‘90

‘91

‘92 ‘93

‘94 ‘95

‘96 ‘97 ‘98 ‘99 ‘00

The rising number of drug arrests was a huge factor in Texas' and the rest of the country's decision to try drug diversion courts. Texas required all counties with populations over 500,000 to start drug courts in 2001.

austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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Impressive
Styles
with Color or Highlights
Walk-ins welcome Closed Sundays 512.554.1483
2308 E. Cesar Chavez Austin, Texas 78702

FREE Haircut

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The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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a tale of two Burgers: Part ii
louiS getS Slutty and attraCtS SoMe Burger attention
by louis fontenot Surviving a week of work/rock ‘n’ roll related exhaustion, I sat down with only a few hours left on my deadline, a personal recorder with always hard to hear audio, and a pocket notebook with notes of slightly better legibility scratched next to vegetarian food orders, which generally occupy the pages of said notebook I use for waiting tables at my day job. Fully using the anxiety that wracks your mind when you just don’t have time to get shit done, and it needs to be done, I wrote the words you are now reading. Despite working every day of the madness that is SXSW, waiting on and serving a good chunk of the people that clog our toilets and our streets and generally just shit on our city three times as much as the standard amount of residents, I still made a point of getting out and seeing some of the shows put on by what I consider some of the hardest working people in the microcosm of an ever growing galaxy of music that I concern myself with. I went to every Burger Records and Burger City show I could muster up energy to survive at. My patience and feigned energy, mostly fueled by alcohol and highly caffeinated teas (Cocaine and Speed not really being my forte), afforded me the opportunity to see The Nerves, The Chumps, King Tuff, Feeding People, Pangea, Destruction Unit, Las Ardillas, Hector’s Pets, Nightmare Boys, Brain Attack, Natural Child, White Mystery, Vomettes, Bass Drum of Death and so many more bands which sent me into a fog of musical fervor. I fended off drunken fights I didn’t wanna get in. I wolfed down crappy, necessary food before I blew all my money on T-shirts and cassettes or doling it out for dirty margaritas and the endless beer that substituted my water intake for roughly seven days. On Sunday, with more than half of the people that temporarily bum rushed our city packing out to return to their homes and piss in their own streets, I caught up with the Burger Records Boys for one last hang out at a drag show put on by them and CMRTYZ, at Iron Bear, a bear-bar located in downtown Austin. Straight rock ‘n’ roll dudes donned slutty dresses and cat eye make-up to the apparent amusement of all the regular bears who were in for their Sunday drink. Upon arriving in my own slutty number, a black strapless dress with a gold sequined top I got from the Asian dress vendor next to Fiesta Mart, resembling an exhausted Tina Turner meets Whitney Houston, at any point after she started smoking crack, I slammed a few Pink Flamingos and I talked to Sean Bohrman, one of the founding members of Burger Records, about what it is they do. Louis: It’s nice to finally meet you. Sean: Yes and both of us dressed as women. Louis: It’s funny, one of the last times I interviewed somebody, we were both wearing suits so this is … Sean: Yeah it’s totally opposite. Louis: Yeah, a full 180. So why would you say you guys are doing what you’re doing, what motivated you initially? Sean: We started because we wanted to put out a record for our band The Make Out Party, and nobody else did, so we did it. Then there was this band Audacity that we played with all the time and all the kids went to their shows back home in Fullerton. They were just amazing, they had so many amazing songs and they were sixteen and seventeen years old, they were really young and talented. They had been a band for eight years already since they were in like sixth grade. You could tell their song writing was so good. I would be driving around, and I was like ‘what am I going to do?’ I need to put this band out, so we did a split with them on this other label, and while we were at the meeting for the split, I was like ‘Burger should do your LP.’ So it just started there and then we were in our van, Make Out

Party was, at Kirby’s beer store in Kansas after a show and I was like ‘we should put out all these records on tape.’ Louis: Where did the tape angle enter into it? Sean: It came from AM, this band from back home. They put out their album on cassette and it sounded really good and it looked really awesome, and nobody else was putting out cassettes at the time. Louis: I feel like you guys have killed it as far as getting people into tapes. I am trying to do something similar in Austin, as far as getting people into cassettes and putting records out on tape, because it’s a very vinyl oriented town. Tapes are cheaper. They look great and they last way longer than CDs and records and you can carry them in your pocket. Sean: That’s some of the main appeal of it. If you put out music on any format, and it’s music that people want to hear and it’s really good, people will buy it if they know it’s there. I’m on the internet all day, hyping stuff, emailing people, so many emails a day. I do all the internet stuff, and Lee, he’ll be sitting next to me giving out ideas. We get stoned all day and watch movies on Netflix. We run the store, we get stoned and watch Netflix. That’s my life. Which is awesome, but during that time I’m always working on Burger. From the moment I wake up ‘til I go to bed, Sean Bohrman doesn’t exist anymore. It’s just Burger. I went to college. I had a career type job. I cashed in my 401k and opened the record store and sold my car and got rid of

all these life things that normal people think, ‘I’m an adult now. I have a job. I have a car.’ Louis: … I’m legitimate. Sean: Yeah, I’m legitimate and throwing all this stuff away for Burger, and part of me I love taking showers, but now I can only take three showers a day, because I live at the record shop and there’s no shower there so I shower at my sister’s house. So that’s one of the bad things about it, and all the business stuff about it. The government makes it as hard as they can for you to succeed at business and when you do succeed, they want to take as much as they can. They’re terrible. I fucking hate the government. Louis: I know. They just want to bone you when you’re a small business. What I’m doing is so much smaller of a scale compared to what you’re doing and I don’t have any employees, so if something has to get done I’m doing it. It’s just me, so I gotta wake up and do it and then go to work and try to do everything else I’m trying to get done, and then when I get off work it’s back to work on that stuff again. It’s all you can do though. Sean: Yeah, like when I still had a regular job I was working like, all the time. I was working as the art director for this boating magazine, and I was working on Burger for six hours of the day and working on their stuff for four. Whenever they weren’t looking, I was working on Burger stuff or researching music. I got all nerdy about it. Louis: I’m sorry, my titties are showing but I’m not going to put them away. What got

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The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

you guys so stoked about doing what you’re doing? Sean: Well, we all love music. We’re totally nerdy about records and record collecting. Like every record I’ve ever bought I would look up on All Music Guide and try to figure out who the producer was and who played on the recording. So that has a lot to do with it. With a few days of recovery time and the city devoid of the hustle and bustle of thousands of tourists/visitors enthusiastically flooding the streets and bars and restaurants we all haunt, I was finally able to relax and went to visit my buddy Ben Tipton over at The 29th Street Ballroom on one of the nights he regularly DJs. Louis: I’m sure you’re nervous for this, SUPER important interview here ... Ha ha. Ben: I’m always nervous. Louis: Ha ha ha. So what initially inspired you to do what you’re doing as far as Burger City goes? Ben: Well, it all started when I worked at Billy’s flipping burgers. Louis: Oh shit. I didn’t know you used to work at Billy’s, man. Ben: Yeah. I got out of jail. I had went to jail for a while and I got out. I started picking up shifts there. Everybody who worked there was in a band, and everyone was into bands I was into especially when I was young. So I started listening to a lot more music. You know, I would always bring music to work, working in kitchens. I would bring a lot there though, and everyone else listened to good music, and they would bring stuff. We would just listen to a lot of rock ‘n’ roll, and punk rock, and we made burgers. Then after work we would go to The Grand and KC would be hanging out and we met him, and the jukebox was good there. So one night I said this would be a really cool spot for everyone to come and relax-all of our friends. Everyone I know is in the service industry and everyone lives up here and everyone was going there anyway, so maybe someone could come up here and play records or bring a laptop or something. Anything. Maybe on a Sunday night or something. Then about six months later he called me up and asked me if I wanted to do that,

From the outside, t he grand lo might expec oks like a t gangster run-down, -types an Every mon intimidatin d degener day Burger g pool hal ate drunks City packs playing po l. You , but you'd this place ol, drinkin be dead wr g, listenin with hundr ong. g to rock eds of ser 'n' roll rec vice indust ords ... and ry punks eating fro zen pizza.

lot of bases. Ben: I think for this year I’m going to start trying to get into putting out 7”s. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a while and I’ve been saving money. I’m talking to bands right now. My goal for the next year is to put out at least three 7”s. Hopefully some local, some not local. I’m not really sure what to do but that’s my direction. Louis: So what would you consider are some goals you’ve set out to try and succeeded at? I mean right off the bat, the getting to see The Nerves was pretty rad!

"From the moment I wake up `til I go to bed, Sean Bohrman doesn’t exist anymore. It’s just Burger. I went to college. I had a career type job. I cashed in my 401k and opened the record store and sold my car ...”
and it started from there. At first we called it the Night City Slang after the Sonic’s Rendezvous Band song. Jeremy Diaz who I did this with and Sean Cox would always say Burger City when we were at work. So it grew on me, and Jeremy and me kept doing the night together, so we changed the name to Burger City. I guess that’s how that came about. Louis: Awesome. So what are some goals that you’ve got going on? I know you cover a Ben: Yeah, that SX party was great. That wouldn’t have happened without the Burger Records guys. Those guys are like kings of the party when it comes to SX. I’ve been having parties for the last three years, my goal the first year was to see bands. I’ve always worked in the service industry and you can never get it off, so I’ve never been able to go out and do SX shit. So I thought I’d throw a party where I could see every fucking band I wanted to

see. I’ve been real lucky that I’ve gotten to do that. This whole thing has lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. It just kind of took on something else. Then here at The Ballroom my goal was for SX to get as much exposure as possible, get our bands from the city as much exposure as possible and hopefully grow over here and make people want to come back because they have a good time. That’s the best I can hope for—making new friends which you do every year. So I’m thinking of putting together an end-of-summer blow-out party. There’s a lot of bands that I’m thinking of and wanna spread out over like two days and invite some bands from out of town to come play some music. I think that would be a lot of fun. Louis: As far as clothes go and all the T-shirts you make also, when did that become a whole part of what you’re doing? Ben: Um, I always wanted to make shirts. Ten years ago, I was into graffiti a lot. I made stencils to make T-shirts because I had no idea how to screen print. Then this guy Charlie came over one night and showed me and Sara how to screen print. I always liked T-shirts, ever since I was a kid and I wanted to make my own. Louis: Do you have any ideas for other kinds of merch? Ben: I’m big on T-shirts and I’m big on

buttons, but you know we’re trying ... me and Sara have The Last Of The Leather Age store on Etsy. It’s our store where we sell our T-shirts. It’s not just Burger City shirts. It’s just fun to do. Louis: Yeah, I saw a picture of one of your Teenage Grease T-shirts in PORK magazine. Ben: Yeah, I thought that was awesome. Really liked that. I like everything that guy does, Sean. Louis: Oh yeah, man. It’s a great magazine. Ben: I think the new issue will be out next week. Louis: The cover of the last one is so sick! Ben: Yeah, he’s a badass artist. My favorite thing he’s done is the Personal and the Pizzas button with the Rolling Stones tongue. That’s my favorite, but yeah I really like what that guy’s doing. I’m stoked for them to start being available down here. Louis: Awesome. So that’s going on? Ben: Yeah. Louis: It seems like it should already be here. Ben: Yeah, it’s a great magazine and people like it a lot. Louis: Anything else you want to add? Ben: Yeah. Be looking out for Bill Murray wearing a Burger City shirt on TMZ. Louis: Ha ha. Was he wearing one? Ben: No, but I gave him one. I think he could give a shit cause, I think it was The Summer Twins were like dancing for him, (laughing) and he was buying them clothes and I was a dude trying to talk to him about a T-shirt.

austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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1
Danny Malone If you’re a cheerful person with a positive outlook on life and find yourself indulging in the cute and prosaic, you might very well enjoy the giddy tunes of D. Malone’s silly heart acoustic pop. Or, say you’re some grouchy fun hating fuck; a little vitamin Malone is the perfect cure all for your elongated winter blues.
Hotel Vegas 7:00pm

April Show Listings (1st thru 6th)
9:00pm

Grave Haven (tape release), Arisen Grave Haven (Austin) is a sludge-metal two piece with dark tranquil parts to add some scary variance between the low reverberating clamor of metal in the mood.
Dirty Dog Bar 9:00pm

Stubb’s Outside 7:00pm

5

Tech N9ne, Machine Gun Kelly, Krizz Kaliko, Mayday, Prozac, Stevie Stone There’s nothing syrupy about this show. Headlined by two of rap’s fastest lyricists Tech N9ne and Machine Gun Kelly. Be prepared to be assaulted by mind numbingly hectic lyrics and a conclave of Hot Topic paraphernalia.
Emo’s East 8:00pm

Super Creeps (David Bowie tribute), DJ Mahealani Shaking your ass to DJ Mahealani’s smooth funk cuts is a congenial way to unleash the tacky and decadent inner home wrecker you’ll need to conjure to fully enjoy Super Creeps. As far as Super Creeps go, it’s not David Bowie, but any lacking there of can be easily supplemented with enough gold dust and Phenobabital.
Mohawk Inside 8:00pm

2

The Wonder Years, Polar Bear Club, Transit, A Loss For Words, The Story So Far The Wonder Years (Philadelphia) dish out the heartfelt pop punk like tear jerkers who mean it. When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep clutching your ‘04 senior year book to an Atticus/Drive-Thru Records playlist? Yesterday? Well then, okay. Be here, be free, be with your people god damn it. If you love emo-core but hate the sound of show tune vocals then maybe Polar Bear Club (Syracuse, NY) is your jam; they rock the vox a little more gruff and rough for you bare-backaholics out there.
Antones 6:00pm

SKREW, Shrapnel, Strangers Prepare your self. The future and past collide in the syncopated nu-metal chugs of SKREW, Austin’s nu-metal bastards of the industrial cyber front, and Shrapnel (Austin). Armed to the teeth with nu-metal thrash and plenty of conditioner, Shrapnel plunder what

a punk show and there’s a bulls eye on your forehead that probably says something really degrading or intense. The Sickoids (Philadelphia) are headlining. Philly sucks and so does being cooped up in a van for a billion hours, so they’re probably going to single you out and ring leader every one to stomp on you, so that the last thing you hear before becoming a soulless vegetable is a Sickoids set at the Mohawk. Real generous of them huh? Thrash, d-beat, punk, brujeria; you name it and Criaturas (Austin) fold into a cute little athame and fist you to death with it. Enjoy. If you happen to be going to one of those abstinence-only schools and, even though you think you know it all, deep down you really know you don’t, you should totally check out Creamers (Austin). Everything they aren’t teaching you in

Harry and The Potters, Koo Koo Kanga Roo For me this night is going to be more like “Harry and the Blotters.” AYE YO! Pretty clever of these guys to capitalize on Harry Potter as a gimmick band. Yeah it looks like fun but “wizard rock” is merely a pseudonym for dog shit. It would be pretty tough to get stirred up over these guys if they weren’t wearing sweater vests and glasses. Koo Koo Kanga Roo does petty joke raps that I would have found offensively stupid even as a 7th grader. They act like giddy boy scouts onstage as well as on their YouTube channel. I’ll bet all these bastards get laid doing this.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Childish Gambino, Danny Brown This show is already sold out. So if you’re just now getting in the know, perhaps try your fucking damnedest to sneak in. Stand up comedian and rapper Donald Glover, aka

It’s a punk show and there’s a bulls eye on your forehead that probably says something really degrading or intense.
thoust wilt till the extent of their inner most sophist desires are met. At this show, your ass will be fucked.
Red 7 9:00pm

4

The Bipolar Bears (CD Release) + Kicks and Khords + The Chorderoys + Bob Floyd Band Indie rock, alt rock, rap, reggae, weed, saxophones ...etc. This bill is going to be a Frankenstein of a show. BiPolar Bears’ (Austin) use of bipolar coincides well with their melodic tendencies to alternate between the occasional balls to the wall rock out breakdowns and dancey interludes. Kicks and Khords (Austin) is somewhat an integrated Frankenstein of a band. If 311 is like the classic Frankenstein of a band, with 311’s reggae-rock-rap genre crossing melded and pieced together evenly into one 311ish rotting and decayed golem (not Gollum) of homogenous size and color. Kicks and Khords’ reggae-rock-rap-Frankenstein is so musically contrasted it’s as if it were sewn together from different ethnicities with different ages, sexes, and states of decay. Which it might very well make a much more interesting Frankenstein. A lot has changed since the shit kicking days of yore. Is it time for a new Frankenstein?
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

I guess they think they’re talented and have the ability to make listenable music without the aid of modern technology such as Ben Franklin’s ancient electricity.
Childish Gambino, is one of the better up and coming hip-hop pop acts to surface. He’s one of those talented Renaissance fucks that happens to be good at everything (which is something he kind of raps about) and is arguably the rightful successor to the North Korean throne, so perchance don’t show up if you’re the super jealous type. Giving a fuck to not give a fuck, Danny Brown (Detroit) manages to keep his style grounded, modern, and original while still queuing from past shock value and self destructive influences without resulting to corny suicidal or assholish publicity stunts to break the fourth wall.

Did you see those bats?/ Ode to Oscillator/ Parking Did you see those bats? (Austin) barrel through driving math rock with non-cheesy touchés of fusion and Latin music. Ode to Oscillator (Austin) are an electronic dance rock group that musically more focuses on melody than the tonal aspects of electronic music. Parking’s (Austin) blend of electro and hip-hop add some new breath to antiquated rhyme styles.
Frank 9:30pm

school you’re gonna learn at a Creamers show. Hmm, Outlook (Olympia, WA), I wonder. Do they have a positive outlook on life? Is the glass half empty or half full of bad decisions and culturally induced peer pressure? Doesn’t sound very positive to me, but such angst ridden conundrums can be just what the doctor ordered when prescribing the perfect remedy to punk worth listening to. What kind of chickendick wants to listen to a hardcore band that isn’t pissed off? Just chill; I know everything. Hardcore bands that don’t have a stick up their ass about something, suuuuuuck.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

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Yonder Mountain String Band, Brown Bird I guess they think they’re talented and have the ability to make listenable music without the aid of modern technology such as Ben Franklin’s ancient electricity. In lieu of this heinous handicap they’ve placed on themselves, Yonder Mountain String Band’s (Nederland, CO) jam band string quartet stylings have found them a remarkably large fan base even though they play bluegrass. You’re probably one of those sick freaks that eggs them on, aren’t you? Well I hope you’re enjoying yourself, you bastard. Brown Bird (Rhode Island) finagle a poppy blue grass archive with a dark edge. I hope they’re paving the way for horrorgrass. A bunch of juggalos busking steam punk on their way to the gathering would kind of rule.
Stubb’s Outside 7:00pm

Pure X, God’s Gun, Troller This show is a Pure X vehicle in the guise of a free loving psych fest. Pure X (Austin) manage to have a slower amiable and atmospheric psychedelic pop rock sound while still being enjoyable to someone without a saintly attention span. They’re kind of a big deal too, lots of people give a shit about them. Maybe that little ad populum is enough to peak your interest. Maybe not. God’s Gun (Austin) sound like some one raided the Goodwill tape section threw it in a blender and glued all the filmy shreds back together again onto a single reel. They don’t literally sound like that. Even God’s Gun would agree that a tape like that would sound uncontroversially more badass than what God’s Gun actually sounds like, but I think you’re starting to get the idea. Real spooksters, Troller (Austin), take ethereal ambiance to some scary levels with little nibs of witch house here and snippets of fuzzed out frosty keyboards there.
Red 7 9:00pm

Feedtime (Australia), OBN IIIs, Gospel Truth, Spray Paint
Beerland

Sickoids, Criaturas, Creamers, Outlook Disgruntled musk in the air, shins, fists, and hardcore hard-ons all over your face. It’s

Chain and the Gang with Kingdom of Suicide Lovers & Franny and Zooey Chain and the Gang (D.C.) could be perfectly described as jail house rock. Really O.G. rock ‘n’ roll that still has rockabilly and blues

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The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

April Show Listings (7th thru 13th)
sounding riffs in it with lyrics riddled with incarceration puns. If X and the Modern Lovers started an alt rock super group that stayed true to their roots for the fans, Kingdom of Suicide Lovers would cover some (all) of their songs. Nah, just play’n, but if you dig on alt-rock, X, and The Modern Lovers, the Kingdom is at hand.
Frank 9:30pm

You’ll be sure to see John Wesley Coleman (Austin) shrieking his heart out and playing his busted ass guitar to the catchy anthems of a garotte existence.
Beale Street Tavern 7:00pm

to do.
Trailer Space Records 7:00pm

music by experts of it, Cederic Burnside is one of the genre’s most innovative and respected players.
Antones 8:00pm

7

Toadies with Ume Toadies (Fort Worth) and Ume (Austin), this show is like some cruel Kōan, or bizarre Laffer curve of stardom, an omen of chaos at the very least. The rising stardom of Ume colliding with the rekindled interest in Toadies and the 90s, in general, may be the very alt-rock membrane interaction that sets off rock and roll entanglement. Of course it would start and end with alt rock. It’s all so clear now. Anywise, Toadies did that song “Possum Kingdom,” it’s one of the alt rock staples. Maybe you still remembered that and blah, blah, blah. Regardless, it felt too irresponsible not to mention it.
Stubb’s Outside 7:00pm

Pontiak, Zlam Dunk Pontiak fissure a modern psychedelic heavy metal and carry the torch ‘til a group of stoners’ stoners are prepared to accept their great responsibility and help drag stoner metal through the epochs. With their use of emocore, garage rock, and high energy antics Zlam Dunk (San Marcos) bust some serious alt rock nuts.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Bowerbirds, Dry the River Bowerbirds (Raleigh, NC) carouse alternative acoustic rock in the vein of Modest Mouse and Fleet Foxes. Their sound is really begging to be used in a commercial or end up on Letterman’s jogging playlist. They just want their voices echoed through Letterman’s ear as his flaccid dork glides about in his work out shorts. Dry the River (London) create a real impassioned spectacle of modern day super stadium alt pop.
The Parish 8:00pm

Score More presents Devin the Dude Devin the Dude (Houston) is one of Texas’ best rappers. If you consider yourself any sort of a fan of rap or weed you need to make it to this show.
Beauty Ballroom 8:00pm

9

Golden Boys (record release), The Best, Bobby Jealousy, Sweet Talk, DJ Ben Tipton This show is a great place to some of the distinct and changing faces punk of Golden Boys (Austin) with their country hijinx, The Best (Austin) and their Americana hoopla, and Bobby Jealousy (Austin) prancing around to their jangle pop punk. FREE SHOW
Red 7 9:00pm

Andrew Jackson Jihad w/ The Menzingers, Cheap Girls, Joyce Manor, Treasure Fleet, The Sidekicks This show is a pop rock fest. Andrew Jackson Jihad’s (Phoenix) tongue and cheek lyrics depict comedic or graphic imagery that has an ironic overtone when sung over the backdrop of their poppy folk music. The Menzingers (Philadelphia) add to the irony with an affixment of pop punk and melodic gang vocals into a kind of punk rock extravaganza. They should really write a hardcore musical set in Boston that takes itself totally serious. They’re practically almost there.
Mohawk Inside 6:00pm

Keep Shelly in Athens w/ Jonquil Though they may, at times, play an exceedingly fast or idiosyncratic rhythm, this show is totally a placid calm vibe out session. Electro-mages, Keep Shelly in Athens, (Athens, Greece) summon a to die for trippy ambiance of electronic goodness. Jonquil (Oxford) convey a mathy and uptempoed form of dance rock. If you ever liked the band Foals you might have an interest in this band as well.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Bodytronix, Total Unicorn, DJ Dylan C, Thousand Foot Whale Claw Bodytronix (Austin) construct moderately lo-fi electro-scapes that’ll take you on whatever squeaky journey they feel like. Total Unicorn (Austin) knock out some serious electro grooves that couples well with their absurd imagery (which is getting progressively more detailed and charmingly horrific).
Skinny’s Ballroom 9:00pm

Terry Malts Super fuzzed out and surprisingly original Bay Area pop punk.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

The Chris Gray Heart Fundraiser with Spoon, A Giant Dog Austin’s own legends Spoon and up and

The Baker Family with Shortwave Party & Anam Mila The Baker Family (Austin) take both the ex-

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The Whalers w/Young Girls, Slash Future The Whalers (Austin) knock around a gruff alt pop rock with a bite and beach feeling. Slash Future (Austin) bring into being a laid back indie pop rock with some Michael Jackson and Beach Boys inspiration that works well. Slash Future is one of the coolest bands playing this month. Try and see them.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

The Hold Steady w/ The Happen-Ins The Hold Steady (Brooklyn) embody a lackadaisical rockstar image and jam out the perfect music for a Drew Carey montage. The Happen-Ins (Austin) have somewhat committed a miracle in creating something both bluesy and modern with their ultra poppy take on blues rock.
Mohawk Outside 6:30pm

Kina Grannis got her start in the music industry after winning a Doritos music sweepstakes.
comer garage punks A Giant Dog together in one showcase. It’s a sold out show. But are you really gonna let that stop you?
Red 7 9:00pm

Digital Antique with My Golden Calf & Sleep Talk Indie rock for the independent thinker. Not meant in a passive aggressive way, but the way unconventional Digital Antique (Austin) compose an orchestral pop rock that’s sure to have you waltzing your ass off in no time. Don’t be embarrassed. Waltzing is a neat and under appreciated talent. My Golden Calf (Austin) are a creepy indie ballad pop band with the vocals of a lawn gnome or possibly a goblin. I’m horrible at detecting malevolence, so I’ll let you be the judge. Just be careful, okay? As far as alternative pop rock goes Sleep Talk (Austin) are very with the times. They also belt some unmistakably Ben Gibbard like vocals. Not a diss, Ben Gibbard has a very attractive voice.
Frank 9:30pm

The Boxer Rebellion, Canon Blue Acoustic alt rock band The Boxer Rebellion (London) revel in dejected vocal tones and sporadically release faint glimmers of hope every now and then which, in the end, only exaggerate their whiny gloominess. Canon Blue (Nashville) are a heavily syncopated indie dance group with an extremely rhythm-oriented instrumental variance.
The Parish 8:00pm

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Megafaun w/ Field Report Headlining this very calm show Megafaun (Durham, NC) cast a miasma spell of acoustic alt pop while Field Report (Mission Viejo, CA) garner a heavy use of atmosphere for an alternative pop rock band with an eidolic country adage.
Mohawk Inside 9:30pm

La Dispute, Balance and Composure, All get Out, Sainthood Reps, Look Mexico La Dispute (Grand Rapids, MI) can best be described as a mix between mathy emocore with a pubescent take on the vocals of Surge from System of a Down. Balance and Composure (Doylestown, PA) have a distinct early millennial kind of indie alt pop rock. If you’re into early Death Cab you’d probably have a ball. Touring band, All get Out (Charleston, SC), add to the bills indie alt rock majority but with a little backwoods bumpkin influence to spice shit up.
Red 7 6:00pm

treme ends of both indie and alt rock for a fairly unique sound. They have a lot of abstruse breakdowns and commonly use a bunch of unconventional percussive objects. Shortwave Party (Austin) execute a precision arena pop rock sound and avoid the inherit cheesiness of said genre. Anam Mila (Austin) is more of an alternative pop group than anything and heavily features their vocalist’s virtuoso like talents.
Frank 9:30pm

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School of Seven Bells, Exitmusic School of Seven Bells (New York, NY) are a poetic duo with a mishmash of electro-pop and tranquil alt-rock. Other than being competent musicians with an accessible sound, their reluctantly abstract lyrics have found them a strong following. Exitmusic (Brooklyn) sweeten the kitty with some multi-instrumental ambient dream rock.
Mohawk Outside 8:00pm

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The Parish Underground presents John Wesley Coleman, Field Dress, Light Me Up

Vomettes Austin party punks the Vomettes are gonna rage this show, as is custom for their badasses

Cedric Burnside Project, Old Gray Mule, Possesed By Paul James, The Ghost Wolves This blues and roots music show is a must see for the closet ethnomusicalogist. The world famous Cedric Burnside Project (Holy Springs, MS) are an O.G. Hill-Country blues outfit from Mississippi. Born and raised on the

Papa Grows Funk, Hard Proof Afrobeat Papa Grows Funk (New Orleans) rage some Saturday Night Live-style funk. If I ever wanted theme music to a joke gone to far, this would be it. Needless to say, they have a ton of tal-

austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

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April Show Listings (13th thru 20th)
ent and a lot of ironic charm. Even though it would seem redundant to mention that Hard Proof Afrobeat (Austin) sound super African because they have the word Afro in their band’s name, they sound super African, playing lush hyper melodies rampant with trippy African rhythms. Their music is like a mix of Mulatu Astatke and the soundtrack to a sleazy Bollywood action film from the 70’s.
Antones 8:30pm

your Grandma on my dick. Huh huh. Girl you know what it is. Rack City, bitch.”

Kina Grannis Acoustic pop singer Kina Grannis got her start in the music industry after winning a Doritos music sweepstakes. She has a very accessible sound that’s picture perfect for Fox Searchlight film or down to Earth re-imaging commercial.
The Parish 9:00pm

Scorpian Child with Black Tabs & LF Knighton With a plebeian stoner metal spaceship, Scorpian Child (Austin) take you on a journey through the cosmos. Thrusting esoteric lyrics front and center with fantastical imagery and superstitious references. Black Tabs (Austin) offer an alternative take on the classic heavy metal sound with apathetic Hole like brattiness. LF Knighton (Mobile, AL) are the lightest band on the bill and rock out with up beat indie garage pop.
Frank 9:30pm

Kristy Lee looks like a chubby 12 year old boy with a tilted New Era hat and a gangster flannel. Interesting guise for an acoustic guitar playing soul singer.
out or anything else, besides a little something something about ambient acoustic rock. The Arkells (Hamilton, CA) burst an optimum force of up beat syncopated rhythms that will voodoo gyrate those unwanted calories off that ass never to return again. I’m not a Ghost Buster so take it with a grain of salt, but they may have possibly Ouija-ed the voice Michael Hutchence on a couple tracks.
La Zona Rosa 6:00pm

Emo’s East 9:00pm

Cornmeal Bluegrass with an identity crisis that occasionally verges on stoner rock and a cult favorite to many.
The Parish 9:00pm

hit with “Bruises” but failed to back it up with , anything remotely as distinguished. Nite Jewel is groovy, but DAMN BRAH the excessive vocal reverb bleeds all over everything like Lil’ Bow Wow’s freshly raped anus.
Mohawk Outside 6:30pm

English Teeth with John Paul Keith & Sweet Nuthin English Teeth (Austin) bluster an alternative pop rock sound, staying true to their name with a trademark of iconic Brit-rock. Respected songwriter John Paul Keith (Memphis) plays a lot of nostalgic pop rock revival from the golden age of malt shops, pompadours, and institutionalized racism. Sweet Nuthin (Austin) fork out the garage pop gushing with country dressing.
Frank 9:30pm

Soda Jerk Presents: Mustard Plug with Left Alone, Steady Legend The rudeboys should be coming out of the woodwork for this ska show. You’re bound to see some real old style skanking or perhaps you’ll be the one doin’ that goofy shit.
Beauty Ballroom 8:00pm

Evanescence with James Durbin WAKE ME UP! WAKE ME UP INSIDE! Oh shit...! Ever wondered what happens to the runner-ups on American Idol? They get to tour with GREAT bands like Evanescence. Case in point: James Durbin. SAAAVE MEEEHH!
Stubb’s Outside 8:00pm

Gobi, Dead Love Club Equal parts party-to-keyboard, this show features Gobi (Austin) bringing some electro party rap coupled with a live band and Dead Love Club (Austin), who take it back a couple decades and kink out the vibes with industrial party rock garnished with a little S&M.
Lamberts 10:00pm

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Hunx & His Punx, Natural Child, Grape St. Hunx of the electro groove group ‘Gravy Train!!!!’ gives rock and roll a severely queer edge. Wear your fruit roll-up gummy thong and prepare to dance till it’s mush.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Delta Spirit, Waters Delta Spirit have taken the commercial success of indie alt pop to the outer reaches of commercial success. Come witness the rara avis and be apart of the ballad magic that’s sweeping the world or you can listen to them in shows like Friday Night Lights and My Life As Liz. Waters (San Francisco) administer customary walls of gleeful indie alt rock sure to leave your innards churning.
Emo’s East 10:00pm

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Cursive, Cymbals Eat Guitars, Conduits Other than Conduits (Omaha, NE), a talented ambient indie pop rock band, this show is going to be fairly manic and excessively neurotic. Cursive (Omaha, NE) take mathy pop rock to Jim Carey like heights of mania. Cymbals Eat Guitars (New York, NY) keep their emotional neurosis fairly flush with a slushy mix of ambient alt frothy shoegaze.
Mohawk Outside 8:00pm

Female Demand w/ Limb Female Demand (Houston) storm an arty pop punk that rules hard. This show should be awesome.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

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Melvins w/ Unsane & Same Sack I grew up in Olympia, WA, where the Melvins are regarded as deities. Many people attribute much of Nirvana’s success to the Melvins, not to mention that they shared drummers once upon a time (No, not Dave Grohl you butt-lord). Anyways, I heard they’re touring with two drummers, now ...
Mohawk Outside 7:00pm

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The Maine, Lydia, The Arkells The Maine (Tempe, AZ) go for broke with real Goo Goo Dolls disposition. They really beast out the wall of sound too. So prepare to have your heart swoll and your senses emblazoned. Acoustic indie pop rockers Lydia (Gilbert, AZ) play by the philosophy that you don’t have to be loud to leave a musical impression on an audience, but they ain’t headlining, so what the fudge do they know about rocking

101X Homegrown Live with Oh No Oh My, Burgess Meredith (EP release), BOY Plenty of indie pop rock to go around. Oh No Oh My (Austin) are a pretty straghtforward indie pop rock group while Burgess Meredith (Austin) very distinctly delve into varying genres from song to song, while BOY (Austin) have a very melodic Beatlesesqe sound.
Hotel Vegas 9:00pm

Tyga “Young money, yeah we gettin’ rich. Got

The 7th Annual Marijuana Law for Musicians Charlie Roadman may very well be Ordell’s (Sam Jackson) attorney from the movie Jackie Brown. “He’s my own personal Johnny Cochran. Matter’ fact... he kicked Johnny Cochran’s ass! And like Johnny Cochran... this nigga’ hates cops. I’m serious man! I mean, he lives to fuck with tha police.” Learn everything you’d want to know about the climate of marijuana offenses in Travis Country via one hour lecture format. This hour could save you years of agony in fees and jail time. See: Barry Cooper.
Mohawk Inside 7:00pm

Kristy Lee with The Hussy Hicks If you like acoustic shit, you might enjoy this pleasant, but unoriginal show. I just wanted to say that I really do admire that Kristy Lee looks like a chubby 12 year old boy with a tilted New Era hat and a gangster flanel. Interesting guise for an acoustic guitar playing soul singer. It makes sense when you hear her lyrics: “You fucked with my heart, you fucked with my mind, you fucked with my soul, you fucked with my time.” Beautiful.
Stubb’s Inside 8:00pm

White bodies and black tattered clothing is all you’ll see. All you’ll hear is the most awesomely outrageous lineup of metal bands. All you’ll smell is weed.

Shit Creek, Dudes Night, Horror Squad, Come and Take It Several times a day, the dudes from Shit Creek individually excrete defecation that will end up combined in a creek somewhere. But that’s unintentional. In a combined effort, they deliberately make a giant piece of shit punk record.
Red 7 7:00pm

Valgud, Xapharon, Feral Rex, EVA Texas black metal, motherfuckers. For people lookin’ to get warped into the TX metal scene or if you wanna scout some artists you probably haven’t seen, get down to Beerland come night of the nineteenth.
Beerland 9:00pm

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Chairlift w/ Nite Jewel Chairlift delivered the perfect ‘cutesy’ pop 16 4 The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

The Metal Alliance Tour Featuring DevilDriver The Faceless, Dying Fetus, Job For A Cowboy, 3 inches of blood, Impending Doom, Wretched, Disfigured The metal senses: White bodies and black

April Show Listings (20th thru 29th)
tattered clothing is all you’ll see. All you’ll hear is the most awesomely outrageous lineup of metal bands. All you’ll smell is weed.
Emo’s East 5:00pm Mohawk Outside 8:00pm

reverb.
The Parish 8:00pm

9:00pm

Franz Nicolay Somewhere between theatrical drama and Ted Leo lies Franz Nicolay. Two things that I love, that I now understand must remain separate.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Garbage Ohhhh the 90’s. Well, Garbage is back together, for now, at least. They’re releasing another album in May, so you’re likely to hear songs off that with a few of the classics sprinkled in.
La Zona Rosa 8:00pm

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Com Truise with Applied Pressure, Broken Teeth Com Truise exploded onto the electro scene with 3 releases in 2011. Seth Haley (Seth Haley is to Com Truise as Robin Williams is to Peter fuckin’ Pan) played nine SXSW shows last month under the CT banner. For some of the sickest sounds in new hot electronic music, seriously check this shit out.
Beauty Bar 9:00pm

Fire From The Gods, Ready The Messenger, Let The Dead, Untitled We Stand, For Every Empire Minus the overbearing vocal effects, Fire From the Gods have a great sound figured out. At times it sounds like dark castlevania music. They just struggle with songwriting at times. Metalcore show: there’s nothing else interesting for me to mention.
Red 7 8:00pm

Nappy Roots, Phranchyze Nappy Roots gives us Southern vibes using baptist church organs, banjo strums, and syrupy hi-hats. Feel good on top of the world shit. Austin’s own Phranchyze sounds a lot like Will

Bad Lucifer, Modok, Princess Darkness Dark night. Sludgy, slow, and deep. In search of a joke, I scoured Google for the most typical “gothic” bar drink, and it turns out it’s any coke mixer ... anti-climactic. Next time, I’ll do real research and head down to Elysium.

FlamCan’s Annual 420 Celebration with Collie Buddz, Los Skarnales! It’s no wonder why this was put together specifically for 420. Heavy patois raggae rap (Collie Budz) and third-wave latin ska (Los Skarnales), yah mon!
Flamingo Cantina 9:00pm

101X No Control Radio Presents: The Sword Austin-based metalfux, The Sword, play their one song that got on Guitar Hero II.
Emo’s East 9:00pm

OK, we get it. "Commie Hilfiger” is a silly pun, but was it really necessary to make an entire communist album? Now that’s COMMIEttment to the joke.
Trailer Space Records 7:00pm

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Smith and raps about cool shit like the Jonas Bros and Austin.
Antone’s 8:00pm

Get Stoned to Death Fest: Blood Royale, Night Siege, SsserpentssS, Doom Siren, Brontosaurus, Whorewhole You don’t need 420 bucks to hear heavy fucking music on 420. Get the heaviest shit in your earhole while you breathe in crop dust and lose your god damn mind.

Shabazz Palaces To disconnect themselves from former projects, Seattle’s Shabazz Palaces dodged photographers, declined interviews, and avoided crediting themselves on their first record release. Every song on their 2011 Sub Pop release “Black Up” is a new trip, going further than any man before. New highs are being achieved, look out below.

C3 Presents: Mickey Avalon Yes, the man who put himself on the map with the smash meme “Dicks like Jesus” From . the street to your earhole. I don’t think anyone actually likes Mickey Avalon’s music, but his novelty and mystique goes a long way.
Beauty Ballroom 9:00pm

Dirty Ghosts, Foreign Mothers San Fransisco’s electronic indie groove rock slabbernackle, Dirty Ghosts, is wicked dope. Check out their single “Shout It In” and tell me you don’t like that shit.
Beerland 7:00pm

Ever wondered what happens to the runner_ups on American Idol? They get to tour with GREAT bands like Evanescence.

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Score More Presents: Sage Francis Sage Francis’ flow is super chill. He doesn’t seem to need much of a beat at all, and the beats he does have are often built from acoustic instrument sounds.
Beauty Ballroom 8:00pm

Steel Pulse & SOJA Some of the purest reggae to embalm your eardrums in. Remixes of Steel Pulse songs garner hundreds of thousands of replays online. SOJA takes a lighter storyteller’s angle to the genre.
La Zona Rosa 8:00pm

Feist with Timber Timbre The two demographics represented here will be thin white hipster pussy and dudes on the prowl for it.
Beerland 9:00pm Mohawk Outside 6:30pm Stubb’s Outside 8:00pm

C3 Presents: North Mississippi All Stars What kind of cuckold douche bags would name their band the North Mississippi All Stars? They’re from the Bible belt and play bad southern rock.
Antone’s 8:00pm

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Dada Moda, Papaya Houston post-punk steady rippers pack the party into Trailer Space. Papaya is a mean super-bowl half time show. He uses cartoony noises amongst others all from a rat’s nest of pedals, wires, and instruments.
Trailer Space Records 7:00pm

CURREN$Y CURREN$Y might be the hottest rap shit I’ve heard coming out of NOLA right now. After a run with the 504 Boyz (“you ain’t gotta’ say too much from the look in your eyes I can tell you wanna’ fuuuck...”), No Limit Soldier, and later surviving a residency under Cash Money Records, CURREN$Y has arrived.

Sleepy Sun w/ White Hills (Presented by Austin Psych Fest) There are a lot of elements to Sleepy Sun that remind me of Alice in Chains. Alright, Alice in Chains meets Blind Melon, but in a good, psychedelic way. White Hills is a whaling and droning white noise band from New York.
Mohawk Outside 6:30pm

Pocket Rockets (Los Angeles), Boy + Kite, We The Sea Lions, All Eyes Closed Pocket Rockets is pretty straightforward, dancy indie pop with “I don’t give a fuck what they sound like” vocals. Austin indie lover boys Boy + Kite attempt to amuse more apathetic psychos (slowly becoming the new word for ‘Austinites’).
Skinny’s Ballroom 9:00pm

Little Radar (CD release) w/ The Couch Pay no attention to The Couch, but Little radar’s 3 song indie guitar pop demo they released last January was legitimately solid and promising.
Mohawk Inside 9:00pm

Bear in Heaven with Blouse w/ Doldrums I’ll bet this is worth checking out. Bear in Heaven is raw ambient rock from New York, the Oort Cloud of modern white noise rock bands. Blouse reps the west coast from LA and adds more electronic and steadiness to the

Nazi Gold If you haven’t seen Nazi Gold, they play on relic instruments made from melted down pieces of the Ark of the Covenant. The raw power changes regular, “chill bro” Austinites into beered-out raging Austin psychos.
Beerland

Commie Hilfiger, Neon Cobra, Capitalist Kids, Lazers OK, we get it. “Commie Hilfiger” is a silly pun, but was it really necessary to make an entire communist album? Now that’s COMMIEttment to the joke (and on with their humor). The rest of the show is Green Day surf where every song is in the same key (the Capitalist Kids) and 80’s rollerblade industrial dance music (Neon Cobra).
Red 7 9:00pm

austincut.com | April 2012, The Austin Cut

17 3

Drunk sloppy mess. Just got out of a relationship. Looking for a rebound. She's someone's type...

drunken lovin' and why anderSon Should've Been SPanked More aS a Child

SeXSCaPeS
by anderson rodriguez At the moment of this writing the knuckles of my right hand are swollen because last night I got impressively drunk and made an ass out of myself in front of a very beautiful young woman whom I was attempting to court. The realization of this fucking-up was not something Drunk Anderson was particularly well-prepared to handle—dude has issues with mental faculties for some reason— and this led him to punch the ever-loving hell out of the walls of his bedroom where he sat lonely and filled with great regret and selfloathing. At some point he must have realized he was just hurting himself senselessly (but not before apparently smashing the left part of my head against the wall) because I awoke to find one of my disgusting work shoes on my bed and streaks lining the walls from where the bastard had beaten them futilely while hoping that she would call his dumb, drunk ass back.  The problem, which Drunk Anderson couldn’t comprehend at the time, but which I now understand with painful lucidity in the context of this afternoon’s increasingly maudlin hangover, was that I had imbibed too heavily and become a waste of her time. Unbeknownst to me, another, apparently quite worthy, young man had been vying for her attentions that night and she had blown him off to be with me for reasons that are fully known only to her. In my attempt at showing her an enjoyable night out with friends, I pulled a classic drunk’s move and ended up 18 4

in the charming state where I mutter brilliant, wonderful things into my drink but refuse to share them with anyone else at the table. Instead of the fun, party-boy persona I had hoped to enact, I became tired from the previous week of South By Southwest Hell that is the service industry in March in Austin, and I ended up incoherent. It was far from the worst I’d done while drunk, but it was the third time in as many weeks that I’d proved to this girl—let’s call her Carol—that I can become something of a boor when I’m drinking. Carol happened to be on the tail-end of a shitty, drawn-out relationship and was in no particular mood to deal with, in her words, “this shit.”  Getting drunk and becoming a reminder to Carol of all the bad aspects of relationships that she was so exhausted of dealing with ended up being a pretty shitty way to try and win her over, so I’m currently in the middle of a little fight with Booze (we’re not talking—if Booze calls, say I’ve gone out for smokes or something), even though my actions were ultimately my fault.  It’s going to be hard to stay mad at Booze for long, though, because Booze has been responsible for almost the entirety of my sex life as an adult and I’m thinking that, for better or worse, there are a lot of people in this city who would have to concur. Booze was the driving force behind the casting-off of the awkward hump of my virginity, for instance. At a New Year’s Eve party in San Marcos some years back, a girl from Texas State who had previously spurned my advances, was grinding all up on me on the dance floor of a party at a mutual friends’ house. I returned her inebriated affections in kind and the beginning of the following year was comprised of sloppy, whiskey-fueled sex. This first sexual partner of mine ended up setting the form for my future lovers which

I was to unwittingly fall for until my present situation: we drunkenly hook-up while she is just out of a multiple-year, poorly concluded relationship where cohabitation had occurred but to the eventual displeasure of both parties, with one or both members of the relationship being too heavily into abusing a substance of some sort or another, and with the male of the relationship possessing an almost stereotypically domineering personality borne out of insecurity.  If that sounds like an oddly specific type of girl to keep falling into bed with, I am bemused as well. Another pattern established with this first sexual partner was that we never truly ‘dated,’ though we did have sex semi-regularly, spent occasional quiet nights in together, and communicated in some form or another most days of the week—all of this being a prelude to the eventual return of her Ex into her life which coincided with the abrupt cessation of our activities together. While in some ways this isn’t the worst type of relationship to keep finding myself in—with sexual partners who are genuinely affectionate though ultimately too fresh out of a serious relationship to enter another one—this being a ‘rebound’ lover is emotionally exhausting in other ways which are both too numerous and trivial to elaborate on at the current moment. There is a succinct realization I’ve garnered from these intense beginnings with short half-lives, however. No matter how earnest the intentions of either party, attempting to begin a relationship based on a booze-induced sexual encounter probably isn’t the best way to find love.   It doesn’t help that the initial intentions on my part are rarely pure, but generally convoluted and involve everything from loneliness and horniness, to self-esteem issues and a genuine desire to make a meaningful, if possibly brief, interpersonal accord. What this has lead to is the paradox that the best place for me to meet women, in a bar or similar situation when my confidence and self-assumed charm are running high on liquor fumes, is also the absolute worst. What begins as something hatched between the two of us during a drunken hook-up ends up clawing around in the pre-dawn blackness until it finds the capacity to appear as though it could ultimately become something more substantial when the previous night’s stranger, with whom I find suddenly myself sharing a bed upon waking, becomes more strongly personified in the morning’s semi-sober afterglow. Any relationship that might happen to follow this set of events is doomed to mercurial exponential decay. To be sure, Booze has been responsible for a majority of the sex I’ve had. While the affirmatory aspects of this—the times when the sex and overall encounters feel positive; all the worthwhile experiences shared after an initial contact between two people who might not have otherwise met or engaged— are numerous, they are inextricably linked to the stability problems that arise in the future, especially those which occur as a result of young people in our society’s tendency to abuse alcohol in great quantities at random intervals, particularly as a need to deal with stress or search for human connection in our fast-paced, often alienating lifestyles.   

A drunken night out is, in fact, how things began with Carol. While I certainly regret neither this night out, nor the brief but truly enjoyable times we shared after, it begs to reason that this inebriated beginning was always to be the overture to our operetta; one that began light and flirtatiously before the author saw fit to scribble a messy ending. But being sloppy is not something with which I’m unfamiliar. One of the earliest memories I have of making a goddamn mess of things is from when I was two-and-a-half years old, and a gigantic Winnie The Pooh plush toy had a permanent perch at the front corner of my bed. He was a big guy, at least my size, and I was in awe of the way he kept watch over the room and lorded over the other toys by acting as a semibenevolent despot in my absence. Pooh, plush-tyrant though he was, also happened to be a tremendous endomorph and was aptly suited for cuddling against my tiny young frame. Often, I would simply hug the bear and note how rays of sunlight slipped through slats of the blinds and highlighted the bits of dead skin and other dust that plumed into the air when I gave his golden yellow fur an asphyxiating, full-body squeeze. During times like this I mused that his fur color made rather poor camouflage for a creature of the forest, but never told him. He was a sensitive soul, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. One afternoon, sitting alone in my room, I decided that this day’s playtime was going to rage particularly hard. I busted out the paint set (Parenting Pro-Tip: Never leave paint in reach of a toddler’s goddamn greedy fingers) I had managed to liberate from its hidey-place in the closet and, thinking my walls at the time were a rather boring white, I decided the best course of action was for Pooh and I to kick their ass with color. Purple, to be specific.  I gave Pooh a brush and took my own to the walls. To my mother’s horror, when she walked in later, I had the time of my little life. There was a cost for this sort of proscribed, reckless-abandon fun, however, and this was the first time I was to learn that particular lesson, though it apparently didn’t stick as well as one might hope. The walls were cleaned easily enough. I received a reprimand of some sort I’m sure, though I don’t recall anything particularly notable. As far as I was concerned, I had committed my transgression and remained unscathed. Pooh Bear wasn’t as lucky. I remember holding him and crying at the sight of the purple streaks that were to stain his bottom from that day until he finally went into the attic and out of my mind save for the occasional reminiscence. I apologized profusely to my friend, for the fact that he suffered because of my desire to have fun. In the end, I like to believe he forgave me. The mark was left, though, and for the first part of my life, like so many things since, I took the whole incident entirely too seriously and it made me feel quite terrible. As things stand now, I’m alone in my room with stained walls, but at least I’ve traded in my toddler’s paints for a keyboard and word processor. Sitting here chain-smoking, I’m replaying the scenes in which Carol starred in my mind, with Booze playing a supporting, but ultimately deterministic role.

The Austin Cut, April 2012 | austincut.com

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