The End is Very, Very, Very, Very Nigh

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The end Is Very, Very, Very, Very Nigh
By
Brian Thompson
&
Joey Wetter
Registered, WGAw Brian Thompson
8049 w 78th pl
Arvada, CO 80005
303-421-6095
[email protected]
Joey Wetter
6114 w 84th wy
Arvada, CO 80003
720-480-1647
[email protected]
EXT. DENVER - DAY - SUNNY
Smoke rises from the Denver cityscape, the obvious sign that
something is amiss. What does amiss mean?
INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT
A sparsely decorated yet regimented for maximum efficiency
apartment materializes.
From the trappings of geekish delights, posters of iconic
comic book heroes, a wall of action figures, and a computer
that could power the space shuttle, it becomes clear the
resident can only be described as an alpha nerd.
Speak of the devil.
A waifish imp in his mid 30’s, tall and gothically pale with
an air of intellectual assurance coupled with rampant
psychosis, enters the kitchen that’s tucked off the living
room.
He is donning the garb of the stereotypical geek...high
wasted pants, ill fitting t-shirt, unfashionable tennis
shoes, mussed up hair, and a general aura of chaos.
His name is ALAN and he is nerd, hear him roar, only after
he uses his inhaler which dangles from a string hung around
his neck.
He hurriedly goes to an insanely well stocked pantry, open
and closes the door twelve times, retrieves a box of
disgustingly sweet cereal, opens the cupboard twelve times
and gets out a large bowl.
As if this routine had been rehearsed hundreds if not
thousands of times, which it has, Alan repeats his door
ritual at the refrigerator before grabbing the milk.
The ingredients for an alpha nerd’s breakfast in hand, he
heads to the couch, sits, and turns on the television.
The flat screen flickers to life and much to Alan’s
consternation his beloved cartoons have been replaced by an
emergency broadcast.
ALAN
This better be earth shattering to
interrupt my Transformers.
The shrill beep of the emergency broadcast system cascades
through the living room, sending Alan into a murderous rage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
ALAN
Of all the effrontery. Have they
no respect for a man’s cartoons?
With the red hot anger of a nerd scorned, Alan puts down his
cereal, grabs his keys, and heads out his apartment door.
EXT. PARAMOUNT CAFE
[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{Â
˘
A¸S}INTOPREAMBLE] DAY
[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{Â
˘
A¸S}INTOPREAMBLE] SUNNY
An exquisitely gorgeous news REPORTER hurriedly readies her
script for an emergency update. The field producer gives
her the countdown signal.
Human figures can be seen two hundred feet away shambling
along slowly towards the reporter.
TV IMAGES:
EMERGENCY UPDATE SIGNAL
CHANNEL 9 NEWS UPDATE
REPORTER
REPORTER
Ladies and Gentlemen: The
Apocalypse is here. As you can see
behind me...
Camera pans out to show numerous zombies shuffling towards
the news team. Zooms back in on reporter.
REPORTER
Zombies have begun walking the
earth. The Center for Disease
Control has issued the following
statement.
Reporter fumbles with a printed press release. She reads
directly from the paper.
Zombies behind are inching closer.
REPORTER
The CDC would like to calm
everyone’s fears about the outbreak
of a possible deadly communicable
disease. There is no such
outbreak. It is the opinion of the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
REPORTER (cont’d)
CDC and the United States
government that the end of days is
here. Yes, zombies now rule the
world. The CDC would encourage any
remaining survivors to stock up on
food, fresh water, and stay
indoors. Oh, and do not feed the
zombies as they have eccentric
dietary habits.
Reporter puts news release away.
The zombies are much closer and are menacing with tattered
clothes and evil intent.
REPORTER
The National Guard has been
mobilized but appears to be stuck
on the now impassable I-25. The
local chapter of Atheists Alliance
has steadfastly denied reports of
zombies. Their spokesperson told
us the afflicted are likely
suffering from metabolic disorders
and severe allergies.
Zombies are now within 100 feet.
Reporter gets visibly nervous.
Camera zooms in on an obviously annoyed Alan walking
frantically down the sidewalk.
In a snit, the visibly irate geek walks up to the reporter.
ALAN
Are you aware of the zombie horde
now 87 feet behind you, and
closing?
REPORTER
Sir, we are live. Please, step
aside.
ALAN
OK, but now they’re 79 feet to your
six o’clock. And they’re eating
people. If you don’t wish to
become sustenance for the undead
I’d ru...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
REPORTER
(interrupting)
We know. Now please, move along.
Alan looks directly in the camera then walks off screen
incredulously.
The reporter looks at her notes.
Zombies are now within 75 feet.
REPORTER
There are unconfirmed reports of
zombies attacking and eating people
but no one can confirm these
unconfirmed reports yet to receive
confirmation. We are hearing that
unconfirmed reports are awaiting
confirmation.
Zombies are now within 65 feet and are salivating and
licking their teeth.
Alan returns on camera, looks at the reporter, shakes his
head, then storms off.
REPORTER
We have learned the only way to
kill the zombies is via severe head
trauma. Since our last update
seems to have been misunderstood,
the head trauma must be inflicted
on the undead and not
yourself. Local emergency rooms
were inundated with self-inflicted
bludgeoning wounds to the head and
doctors want to stress in no way
will self inflicted injuries damage
the zombies in any way.
Zombies are now within 50 feet and are moaning loudly.
REPORTER
(shouting above the din)
We are also hearing of shortages of
batteries, flashlights, KY, dried
food, ammunition, porn DVD’s, dog
food, radios, handguns, nondairy
creamer, hamsters, and medical
supplies.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
The zombie horde is now within 40 feet and is now
brandishing silverware and are tying napkins around their
necks.
The reporter turns the page of her note pad then holds the
earpiece tighter in her left ear.
REPORTER
For information, please call the
local chapter of the CDC on where
to call for information. Most
local emergency services are
operating on delayed schedules but
assure you they will make it to you
eventually.
Those irrepressible zombies are now within 30 feet, some of
whom are readying marinades and spice packets as if to feast
in the very near future. Those lovable scamps.
The reporter adjusts her earpiece as if receiving a message.
REPORTER
The shit has hit the
fan. Emergency services have been
suspended
indefinitely. Additionally,
authorities are asking those with O
negative blood to please donate at
the nearest blood
bank. Authorities are adamant that
reports of vampires running blood
banks and Planned Parenthood
clinics are erroneous.
The undead at her 6 o’clock are now within 15 feet and
looking mighty perky.
REPORTER
(hurriedly)
Authorities insist if you do not
have to venture out, do not leave
home. RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Our not so intrepid reporter drops microphone then runs away
off camera with her trusty producer heard fleeing with her.
The flock of flesh eaters drops their heads dejectedly.
In the background, a fat man in a wheel chair (QUADRIPLEGIC)
passes by behind the gaggle and gets stuck on an unseen
obstacle.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
QUADRIPLEGIC
SHIT FUCK!
Zombies hear the ruckus behind then perk up and shamble over
to the helpless quadriplegic.
QUADRIPLEGIC
Oh boy.
The quadriplegic struggles, thrashing his head side to side.
Zombies are now within twenty feet and looking perkier by
the step.
QUADRIPLEGIC
Don’t wanna die a zombie snack.
Zombies are now within ten feet.
One last thrashing fit and his wheel chair is free.
As the disabled man drives up the curb cut, he pauses to
taunt the zombies in a last gesture of victory.
QUADRIPLEGIC
Ha! Eat it zombie bastards!
The zombies inch closer. The quad turns then speeds off.
The zombies drop their heads dejectedly.
An elderly man with a walker hurriedly trudges across the
screen, the zombies hear him, perk up, and then shamble
after.
The old man is too fast. The zombies drop their heads
dejectedly.
EXT. GENERIC APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - SUNNY
Random zombies wander aimlessly in the parking lot.
Alan walks briskly through them, avoiding the blood thirsty
undead.
He gets to the front door of the building, reaches into his
pocket, pulls out a key chain, and unlocks the security
door.
He repeats this process twelve times, all the while zombies
inch closer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
He pulls a sanitary wipe out of his backpack, cleans the
door handle, puts the wipe in a Ziploc bag, and places the
baggie in his pack.
Alan finally finishes his door ritual and goes into the
building.
The once happy zombies zeroing in on Alan, eager to feast on
human meat no matter how stringy, stop and pout. Awwwwwwww.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY
Alan walks down the hall to the elevator, pulls out a
sanitary wipe, cleans the button façade, places the wipe in
a Ziploc bag, puts the baggie in his pack, and presses the
up button...twelve times.
The elevator doors open and Alan goes in, takes out a
sanitary wipe, cleans the button panel, places the wipe in a
Ziploc bag, puts the baggie in his pack, and presses the
button for the second floor...twelve times.
INT. 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY
Ominous moaning cascades down the corridor.
The elevator doors open and Alan walks out.
There is a zombie at the far end of the hall by his
apartment door.
ALAN
Judging from his foot speed,
roughly point three-seven miles per
hour, and my average sprinting
speed, roughly 11.3 mph, my
distance from here to my door, 35
feet, his distance from same, 10
feet, time required to execute the
door unlocking phase, perhaps 13.5
seconds, and wind resistance in a
poorly ventilated hallway due to a
malfunctioning air-conditioning
unit that the superintendent
conveniently got out of fixing due
to this insipid apocalypse, which
thankfully brought about the
collapse of a horribly inefficient
societal construct, a nice
ancillary benefit to the ascendancy
of zombies to the apex of the food
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
ALAN (cont’d)
chain, I estimate my chances of
survival to be greater than 90
percent.
Alan adjusts his backpack straps, pumps his shoes a few
times, and prepares for the dash to his door.
ALAN
In the words of my physics teacher
in high school, “I would love to
change the world, but they won’t
give me the source code.”
Alan dashes to his apartment door.
He fumbles with then drops the keys.
As he stoops to pick up his keys a foot steps on them
unexpectedly.
Alan looks up to see the zombie smiling.
In blindingly quick fashion, Alan executes a sweeping leg
kick that would make Jean Claude Van Dame proud, knocking
the flesh eater off its feet.
Alan then rolls over, screams like a martial arts master,
and plunges his elbow through the head of the stricken,
killing him instantly.
Alan stands up, pulls out several sanitary wipes, cleans his
elbow, places the wipes in a Ziploc bag, arrogantly drops
the baggie on the dead zombie, and picks up his keys.
ALAN
Bitch! Ah, love rolling the best
opening initiative coupled with a
critical hit on an unarmed
attack. My legendary Dungeons and
Dragons skills are finally paying
off.
Alan executes his door ritual, unlocking then locking the
door twelve times, and finally opens his apartment and steps
in.
9.
INT. ALAN’S APARTMENT
Alan turns on the lights and sets his backpack on a table by
the door.
His apartment is sparsely decorated yet very symmetrical and
regimented for maximum efficiency.
ALAN
Wednesday, must be macaroni and
cheese day.
Alan goes to his pantry and opens the door.
As the door opens, Alan’s carefully stacked food cache
reveals his obsessive nature yet again. We see seven
shelves, all labeled by day, by meal, and by nutrition
information. No relevant detail goes undocumented.
A meal plan is on the backside of the pantry door.
Alan takes out a box of macaroni and cheese then writes a
note on the board with a dry erase marker.
ALAN
Wednesday, Dr. Pepper, yummy.
As Alan reaches for the handle on the refrigerator door the
power goes off in the building and in his apartment.
Alan is now standing in total darkness.
ALAN
I was afraid of this, though I was
hoping the power would last past
macaroni and cheese night. Damn
apocalypse!
Alan closes the fridge door.
A drawer is heard opening.
A light suddenly shines from Alan’s forehead.
ALAN
Fortune favors the prepared
mind. A 195 intelligence quotient
helps immensely as well. Now Alan,
ask your self a question. Can you
exist in an environment devoid of
the comforts of electricity? No
video games, internet, or
accoutrements to make my macaroni &
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
ALAN (cont’d)
cheese. Dr. Baird would know, but
the odds he survived the apocalypse
are minuscule at best. Yet his
insight would be essential. To the
clinic.
The light bobs toward the apartment door, turns around and
drops in altitude in conjunction with the sound of someone
donning a backpack, then turns to face the exit.
The light on his forehead pops off, the door opens, and Alan
retreats to the hallway and closes the door.
INT. 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY
Emergency lights provide the only illumination, barely
enough to see.
Alan gets a look on his face as if he forgot something,
which he did, and turns around abruptly and tries opening
his apartment door but it is locked tight.
ALAN
Drat, super intelligentsia foiled
by an inability to remember my damn
keys. If only I’d played a thief
or bard in D&D or had more respect
for Robert DeNiro and Quentin
Tarantino movies, perhaps I might
find a mindless yet tedious way
back in my inner cloister.
Moaning can now be heard coming from the end of the hallway
by the elevator.
Half a dozen zombies turn the corner as Alan grows visibly
nervous.
ALAN
At least the emergency lighting is
functional.
The emergency flood lights go out and the hall goes pitch
black.
A zipper can be heard as Alan fumbles in his backpack. Two
lights pop on from his forehead. He now resembles an
illuminated bug.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
ALAN
For every problem there is a
solution, for every problem there
is a solution.
The lights suddenly turn opposite from where the zombies are
coming and dash towards the exit sign that lights the other
end of the hall.
Alan reaches the sign and a door can be heard opening,
immediately followed by more zombie moans. The door closes
gingerly.
ALAN
For every problem there is...
EXT. GENERIC APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - SUNNY
A second floor window shatters outward as a chair flies
through mid air.
As if on wings of angels, Alan executes what can only be
described as an inconceivable feat of athleticism and soars
out the now broken window and clears 50 feet of lawn zombies
only to land with a superhero’s rolling flair on the asphalt
by the bicycle rack adjacent to his building.
Alan stands up, dusts himself off, and surmises much to his
satisfaction that this latest episode has left him
completely unharmed.
Alan looks down and sees he is standing on cracks in the
sidewalk. He squeals then jumps and places his feet on the
unscathed cement.
ALAN
Damn disheveled sidewalk.
The zombies begin shuffling closer towards Alan as he goes
to the bike rack, carefully avoiding any and all cracks.
He reflexively reaches into his backpack and retrieves a
small key chain with a single key on it as well as a
sanitary wipe.
Alan takes a sanitary wipe and cleans off the lock.
The zombies are inching closer by the second.
Alan executes his lock ritual, nervously unlocking then
locking then unlocking again the bike lock, a dozen times.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
The zombies are now within 20 feet.
Alan pulls several sanitary wipes from his backpack, cleans
the seat and handlebar grips, as well as the silver bell on
the right, puts the wipes in a Ziploc bag, puts the bag in
his pack, and hops aboard his bicycle as numerous zombie
hands reach for him.
He rides off down the silent and deserted street, rings his
bell despite the fact said adherence to regulations has been
rendered moot by the apocalypse, puts his left hand out,
turns left, and rides out of sight.
Several zombies are seen tumbling out the broken window.
EXT. GENERIC MEDICAL/OFFICE BUILDING
Alan rides up to the building, carefully puts his bicycle on
the rack, locks it one dozen times then walks towards the
entrance.
The front stands open and Alan walks through, backs up, goes
across threshold again, and repeats this twelve times.
INT. BUILDING HALLWAY
Alan walks up to an office door door then knocks three
times.
ALAN
Doctor Baird?
Alan knocks three times.
ALAN
Doctor Baird?
Alan knocks three times.
ALAN
Doctor Baird?
Alan knocks three times.
ALAN
Doctor Baird?
Alan knocks three times.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
ALAN
Doctor Baird?
Alan sees several notices posted beside the door on the
bulletin board.
One note clearly reads, “Obsessive Compulsives Disorder
support group canceled indefinitely. Obsessive Compulsives
Disorder support group canceled indefinitely.” This
sentence is repeated ritualistically to fill the page.
From outside, shots from an automatic weapon can be heard
followed by a series of small explosions.
ALAN
(highly annoyed)
This whole apocalypse business is
horribly inconvenient.
The window at the end of the hall shatters inward.
A gorgeous brunette (TAWNY) dives through, dressed in full
military urban assault BDU and armed with an M4 carbine and
face painted in camouflage pattern.
She hurriedly walks up to Alan then reads another notice,
“Nymphomaniacs support group canceled indefinitely.”
ALAN
Are you a patient of Dr. Baird’s?
TAWNY
Damn Armageddon!
ALAN
Technically it’s the
apocalypse. Armageddon is
typically understood as the final
battle between good and evil,
concepts I never took seriously
until my dead grandmother tried
eating my foot. Who knew Jesus was
actually Mel Brooks in disguise, no
one was surprised though when Satan
turned out to be Gordon Ramsey.
TAWNY
My name is Tawny, nymphomaniac and
exhibitionist.
The two shake hands.
Alan reaches into his backpack, retrieves a sanitary wipe,
and then feverishly cleans his hands.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
Tawny stares in bemused awe.
ALAN
Alan, obsessive compulsive,
mysophobic, misanthrophobe, and a
number of isms and phobias, though
I think many are a function of
laughably false diagnosis.
TAWNY
Want to have sex?
ALAN
Good god no. While you obviously
fit societal proportions of ideal
height, weight, hip width, breast
size, and your affinity for
firearms is a plus, do you know how
many pathogens are in the female
vagina? And don’t get me started
on the freakish discharge that
emanates from your cervix while
your vagina sloughs its inner
wall. You people are lucky to
experience coitus at all.
A gaunt figure (VLAD) walks up; he wears a very crisp black
suit with chalk pin stripes. He peruses the notices.
He sees a notice that clearly reads, “Hemophobe and
nyctophobe support groups canceled indefinitely.”
As he talks his fangs reveal his vampiric identity.
VLAD
Vlad, vampire, hemophobe,
nyctophobe, and apocalypse
survivor.
ALAN
You do know what nyctophobia and
hemophobia mean right?
TAWNY
What?
The vampire rolls his eyes and becomes visibly
uncomfortable.
ALAN
He’s afraid of the dark and afraid
of blood. Perfectly understandable
if he didn’t require blood for
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
ALAN (cont’d)
sustenance and burst into flame
when in direct ultraviolet
rays. By the way, I’ve always
wanted to know, are garlic, silver,
crosses, holy water, nightshade,
and holy relics deadly for you.
Alan opens his backpack and pulls out a kit of some sort.
TAWNY
You’re a vampire who’s afraid of
the dark and afraid of blood?
VLAD
I faint at the sight of blood
actually.
Tawny snickers then laughs uncontrollably.
VLAD
Eat shit!
Another figure (ZEV) appears.
He moves much slower, shambling over and moaning, possibly
exhibiting zombie like tendencies.
He reads another notice, “Necrophiliac, compulsive
exercisers, and all eating disorder support groups suspended
indefinitely.”
ZEV
Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggg
ggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhk
kkkkllllllllllllooooooooo
Subtitled: Damn Apocalypse! What
the hell am I gonna do on weekday
afternoons?
ALAN
Is that a zombie?
Vlad nods his head as Tawny reloads her M4 and aims it at
Zev’s head.
ZEV
Arrrrrrghhhhhhhhh hhhhvvvvvvvxxxxxx
xxxxxxrrrrrr
Subtitled: Relax sweet cheeks, I
just ate.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
VLAD
Huh?
ALAN
I believe he said he’s already
eaten.
Tawny stares in wonder, the barrel of her M4 wavers between
Alan and Zev’s heads as she ponders who to shoot.
TAWNY
You speak zombie?
ALAN
I do have an IQ of 195 and an
encyclopedic knowledge of horror
movies, particularly
post-apocalyptic zombie
films. George Romero is a genius
and Sam Raimi a demigod.
ZEV
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg
vvvvvvvvvvvvuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
Subtitled: Bull shit! Romero and
Raimi are to zombies what
Christopher Columbus is to Native
Americans.
Alan looks at Zev’s shirt.
The logo looks vaguely familiar and has the initials ZCLU
screen painted on the front with “Zombies Are People Too”
below the insignia.
ALAN
What does ZCLU stand for?
ZEV
Zombie Civil Liberties
Union. We’re trying to remove the
negative stereotypes regarding
zombie behavior and dietary habits.
ALAN
But you eat people and are a
denizen of the undead.
ZEV
I’m aware of this. I’m trying to
reverse decades of stigma attached
to zombification, through political
advocacy.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
ALAN
But you eat people. You don’t see
me walking through a herd of cattle
eating a hamburger asking for their
forgiveness or for them to look at
me with open minds.
Tawny shakes her head in disgust.
Vlad smirks in obvious amusement.
ZEV
Cows are aware, are they not? So,
to eat a burger in front of them
would be cruel.
ALAN
Cows chew their cud and have the
mental acuity of an ottoman, so no,
they are most certainly not
aware. They’ll never build a
bridge, paint a water lily pond, or
design a video game.
VLAD
Oh yeah, give me Unreal Tournament
2004, three days, a bag of Doritos,
a gallon of Pepsi, and I’ll show
you the path to heaven.
ALAN
Good call, but I prefer, albeit
slightly, the cinematics and
weaponry of Call of Duty: Modern
Warfare 2. The ACR with ACOG
optics made me all tingly. But the
sniper mission in Modern Warfare
One, orgasmic.
Alan, Vlad, Zev, and Tawny nod in agreement. They all four
stare off into space in retrospection.
Alan blinks, shakes his head, and then points his finger at
Zev.
ALAN
Anyway, when cooked properly and
combined with the proper
condiments, cows are unassailably
yummy. We’re doing them a favor.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
ZEV
The very nature of zombies
necessitates consumption of human
flesh, not a claim you can make
about beef with any semblance of
credibility. Besides, most are
quite tasty.
ALAN
Savage cannibal!
ZEV
Elitist!
ALAN
Pasty faced flesh eater!
ZEV
Ignorant douche nozzle!
TAWNY
Boys, stop, or I’ll pump 32 rounds
of NATO 5.56mm ammunition into your
forehead on general principal.
ALAN
You have a surprisingly valid
point.
A massive werewolf (REX) fully 7’ tall and very hairy
strolls up casually and scans the notices.
His eyes stop on, “Megalomania support group suspended
indefinitely, the world’s gone to shit, you don’t want to
rule it now anyway, go home.”
REX
Rex, megalomaniac, super genius,
former MIT professor, apocalypse
survivor, and yes, I’m a werewolf.
Everyone nods in greeting.
Each group member reveals their respective malfunction.
ALAN
Alan, mysophobia, misanthrophobe,
possible numerous other isms and
phobias, most the product of
laughably false diagnosis.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
TAWNY
Tawny, nymphomaniac, father was ex
Delta and taught me everything he
knows, don’t mess with me.
VLAD
Vlad, hemophobe accompanied by
feinting, nyctophobe, vampire.
ZEV
Zev, bulimic, anorexic,
Necrophiliac, compulsive exerciser.
Alan pulls another kit out of his backpack.
ALAN
Are you allergic to silver, wolfs
bane, or mistletoe?
Rex glares at Alan menacingly.
Tawny checks her ammo pouches for silver rounds but finds
none. She goes to Rex in a flirtatious way and touches his
arm.
TAWNY
Say, you wouldn’t wanna hurt me or
anything would you?
REX
Of course not, it would be,
untoward, to gorge on your
flesh. But I am frightfully
horny. Want to slink off for a
quickie. I’m hung like a walrus.
TAWNY
I’m not into bestiality ya perv.
REX
Figures, the nympho has
scruples. So, we have an obsessive
compulsive who is a germophobe and
hates society, a gun-toting
nymphomaniac with Special Forces
training, a vampire who is afraid
of the dark and feints when he sees
blood, and a zombie with two eating
disorders who just happens to be a
Necrophiliac. Suddenly I feel at
home.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
A mummy (RAMSES) approaches the group.
He checks the notices and stops on, “Compulsive masturbators
support group suspended indefinitely.”
RAMSES
Ramses, pharaoh of the Exodus, I’m
three thousand years old; I suffer
from insomnia, am claustrophobic,
and am a compulsive masturbator.
GROUP
(in unison)
Hi Ramses.
The group is now instinctively standing in a circle.
ALAN
You’re a mummy who has spent
ostensibly centuries in a
sarcophagus and are a serial
masturbator, claustrophobic, and an
insomniac? Congratulations, you
just replaced the vampire who is
afraid of the dark and feints at
the sight of blood as the most
dysfunctional survivor of the
apocalypse.
Ramses turns to Vlad as the vampire grows visibly more
uncomfortable.
RAMSES
You’re afraid of the dark and feint
when you see blood?
Vlad nods as the entire group chuckles then laughs
uncontrollably.
Vlad hangs his head.
Alan, void of laughter, puts away one of his kits
disappointedly.
ALAN
Won’t be needing that anytime soon,
not with Fluffy, the world’s least
harmful vampire lurking about in
broad daylight.
VLAD
I’m deathly afraid of snakes and
bats as well.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
Several group members fall down and roll while laughing
convulsively.
ALAN
I hate to be a wet blanket on the
frivolity but what are we going to
do. The six of us are far too
dysfunctional to survive alone in a
zombie dominated world, especially
Vlad the fuzzy vampire. Well,
Tawny could be our mother
protector.
Vlad glares at Alan and the laughter dies down.
ALAN
What? You’re about as threatening
as a Q-tip being wielded by a
marmoset.
The group chuckles again, look around at each other
curiously, and become puzzled.
REX
The basket case has a point. No
offense intended.
ALAN
None taken, hairy Hitler.
REX
I’ll chew you up like nerd jerky
and turn you into lycan excrement
you pedantic weasel.
ALAN
I have wolfs bane, a silver stake,
and am not afraid to use them red
rover, red rover, send rover on
over.
Ramses steps between the two as Tawny pulls out a sidearm
and chambers a round.
Vlad cowers behind Zev in an effort to avoid any conflict.
REX
Anyway, our collective talents
could make long-term survival
almost assured. And Vlad could be
our night watchman.
The group, save Alan, bursts out in laughter while Vlad
hangs his head.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
RAMSES
Rex is right, but we need a house.
TAWNY
Preferably an easily defensible one
with good fields of view from upper
windows, a potential snipers’ nest,
easy ingress and egress to set up
my claymores, and close proximity
to supply lines.
The rest of the group stares at Tawny in awe tinged with
genuine fear.
TAWNY
And we need a place to park my
Bradley.
REX
You have a Bradley IFV?
TAWNY
Yup, fully loaded and operational
too. It packs a 25mm cannon, an
M240c 7.62mm machine gun, and an
M242 25mm chain gun that frankly
makes me all dewey. It has TOW
missiles too but the vehicle has to
be stationary to fire them and I
prefer the mobility.
The group stares at her and Ramses is seen undoing the wraps
around his naughty bits.
Rex looks back at Ramses and rolls his eyes.
REX
Ramses, if you even think of
rubbing one out here in this
hallway while my tail is inches
from your crotch, I’ll build a
rocket and shoot you into outer
space.
Ramses wraps himself up again.
ALAN
The conundrum still exists. We
need domicile. And I might have a
solution.
The group looks at Alan in unison.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
GROUP
Well?
ALAN
My mother inherited our ancestral
abode when my nana got killed by a
pumpkin.
VLAD
What?
ALAN
Yes. The house has been in the
family since 1905. I inherited it
when my mother was killed by a
drunken donkey.
Tawny gets a questioning look on her face, Rex rolls his
eyes, Zev shakes his head, and Vlad piques with curiosity.
VLAD
Wait. Go back. Your grandmother
was killed by a pumpkin?
REX
Don’t ask.
ALAN
Yes.
Rex groans.
ALAN
Apparently the chromosomally
challenged in the south and Midwest
used to be inordinately fascinated
with what they call pumpkin
chucking. Nana was flying her
P-51b 200 feet off the deck when
some hayseed who couldn’t calibrate
his veggie cannon hit her
plane. She took a pumpkin to the
canopy at 450mph and it took weeks
for the mortician to get the seeds
out of her face. The wig necessary
for an open casket funeral cost
$300, in retrospect a mistake as
she tried gnawing off my foot after
the ceremony, which put an awful
damper on the wake afterward.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.
TAWNY
Um, I almost hate to ask.
REX
Then don’t, for the love of god!
TAWNY
How did your mom die?
REX
Oh for fuck sake!
ALAN
She fed her pet donkey a bowl of
figs that had been marinating in
rum for three weeks. She had a
myocardial infarction laughing as
the mangy beast of burden attempted
mating with the neighbor’s prized
Irish wolf hound.
The group stares at Alan.
ALAN
It came as quite a shock when the
two quadrupeds embarked on a love
affair that was so implausible it
made Flavor Flav and Bridgette
Nielsen look historically destined.
The group begins walking away in silent annoyance as Alan
drones on.
ALAN
The offspring looked vaguely like
an emaciated woolly mammoth. The
donkey died soon after from acute
alcohol poisoning. Seems he broke
into mom’s liquor stash and drank
the lot.
The group is halfway down the hall before Alan breaks his
retrospective trance.
Alan walks in his usual fashion towards the group.
ALAN
Wait, you’ll need directions,
duh. My great aunt died in a
smelting accident we think was the
fault of leprechauns and my uncle
was killed by garden gnomes...
25.
The group stops and waits. With Alan in tow they exit the
building.
EXT. GENERIC MEDICAL/OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - SUNNY
Dozens of zombies are shuffling around in the parking lot.
The male members of the group huddle together
instinctively.
Tawny makes her way to the front.
TAWNY
I got this.
She locks and loads her M4, puts in ear plugs, and raises
the stock to her shoulder and begins a murderous ballet.
With unerring military precision, the buxom brunette
executes each and every zombie with perfect double tap shots
to the forehead, with nary a single miss.
With the death dance complete, Tawny pops in her last
available magazine as smoke trails from the barrel of her
M4.
REX
Is it just me or was that really
hot?
GROUP
(in unison)
Uh-huh.
A large pile of sand suddenly appears at the feet of Ramses,
his unfurled bandages betray his salacious deed.
REX
Ramses, my tail is inches from your
crotch. If I find one granule
embedded anywhere on my person,
you’re space debris.
RAMSES
Then I’m vanquished a happy pharaoh
because that was awesome.
Tawny cleans her weapon oblivious to the goings on behind
her.
The others draw closer but Alan lags behind.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
The asphalt in front of Alan is teeming with cracks, making
it not navigable for the now visibly upset obsessive
compulsive.
Oh, his bike is gone, stolen by a teen aged zombie who is
riding around the lot.
The group halts then stares back at Alan.
GROUP
Well.
ALAN
I can’t walk on cracks which mar
what are meant to be pedestrian
conveyances.
GROUP
Why not?
ALAN
Duh, because cracks are icky, some
thuggish brute stole my bicycle,
and my OCD is more powerful than
Rex’s inflated ego.
The group is unified in annoyance.
Rex ejects his formidable claws.
Vlad is starting to smolder.
TAWNY
Well, what do you want us to do?
ALAN
Someone is going the have to carry
me, preferably someone meaty
because I chafe easily.
Several group members nervously avoid any eye contact with
Alan or Tawny.
TAWNY
Well fellas, who’s it gonna be?
VLAD
Not me, I’ll be lucky to avoid
becoming extra crispy like Richard
Pryor.
Alan pulls a collapsible umbrella out of his pack and hands
it to Vlad, who opens it immediately.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
Alan then smears a thick sun screen on the vamp’s face,
eliciting a squeal from Vlad as to its coldness.
ALAN
Stop whining, it has aloe.
VLAD
Thanks.
TAWNY
Anyway...
She looks at the remaining candidates.
ZEV
Not me, I walk slow enough as it
is.
TAWNY
Rex, Ramses, looks like it’s
between you two.
REX
The only equitable way to solve
this is a fight to the death.
RAMSES
We’re both immortal and impossible
to kill.
REX
I know. It was my hope the little
toad would die of exposure or get
eaten by the time a victor was
decided.
RAMSES
Oh, I like your style. Fight to
the death it is.
REX
To the octagon!
A tennis ball flashes before Rex’s eyes. The hulking
lycanthrope finds it irresistible and chases the bounding
spheroid.
Rex eventually chomps down with his teeth on the bright
yellow ball before returning it to the group.
He spits it out in disgust and glares at the assemblage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
REX
Who threw it?
Alan slowly zips his backpack shut unbeknownst to Rex.
TAWNY
Looks like Rex gets to carry Alan.
REX
Why me?
TAWNY
Because you fetch so well. Now
that’s a good boy.
Tawny blows puppy kisses at Rex who immediately begins
wagging his tail. She scratches his ears and he reflexively
rolls on the ground panting and barking like a puppy.
Tawny stops the games and stares down at Rex who glares
back.
REX
You evil succubus.
TAWNY
I know. Pick up Alan.
Rex sulks then goes to Alan and gives him a piggy back ride.
ALAN
Your coat is quite plush. What
shampoo do you use?
REX
Human blood.
ALAN
Wow, such hostility. You would
think a lycanthrope would be more
joyous, with your shape shifting
powers and immortality.
REX
Could you possibly be more annoying
you little dork.
ALAN
Yeti.
REX
Asperger.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
ALAN
Sasquatch.
TAWNY
Damn Armageddon.
ALAN
Technically it was the apocalypse
because Armageddon is the battle
between good and evil in
Judeo-Christian mythology.
REX
Shut up, for the love of silence
and everything holy.
ALAN
I’m astounded as to the luxurious
nature of your fur. It’s like a
mink coat. You guys should feel
how soft it is.
REX
You do realize you just ended that
proposition with a preposition.
ALAN
Grammar Nazi.
RAMSES
Suddenly two thousand years in a
stone box sounds inviting.
The group walks around the corner and out of sight.
Except Zev as his gait is zombie like, i.e. painfully slow.
WEEKS LATER
A few weeks later, zombies have rebuilt society in their
image and the roommates have settled down into their
routine.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - SUNSET
Birds are heard chirping and zombies groaning.
Zombies shuffle around the street and yard aimlessly.
Tawny is setting up a lawn chair, umbrella, and snack table
on a sand pile in front of the house.
30.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE
A tastefully decorated and antique inspired room
materializes into view.
A grandfather clock is tucked away in the dining room,
dwarfed by a massive table and matching chair set straight
out of Elizabethan literature.
The rest of the room is dominated by a huge grand piano that
skirts the stairs which bisect the main floor. A bust of
Beethoven stands atop a pedestal behind the piano, as if on
watch.
The living room stands opposite the dining room.
Vlad and Alan are sitting on an overstuffed couch playing
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 on what can only be described
as an obscenely large flat screen television.
A massive black cable runs from behind the entertainment
center and snakes through the room, kitchen, and finally
outside.
VLAD
What day is it?
ALAN
Wednesday, macaroni and cheese with
Dr Pepper day. And your dying day,
beeyatch. Take that.
Alan’s soldier uses his ACR with ACOG optics to sneak
attacks Vlad’s soldier from behind with a head shot, doing
critical damage, killing him instantly.
ALAN
(imitating Howard Cossell)
Down goes Vlad, down goes Vlad.
Vlad throws his controller in disgust.
VLAD
It’s like playing against Rain Man,
except Alan is far less socially
adept.
Alan preens in victory.
ALAN
Such hostility. You mythological
constructs really are a stodgy
lot. You working tonight?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
VLAD
Yes. What time is it?
ALAN
Seventeen hundred. Why did you
ever get a night shift job at a
blood bank? Seems a bit morbid or
masochistic for a minion of Satan
who happens to be afraid of the
dark and can’t stand the sight of
blood.
VLAD
Aversion therapy.
Zev enters the living room wearing exercise attire.
VLAD
Yo Z, you going for a jog again?
ZEV
Yes.
ALAN
See you next week.
Zev shambles out of the front door in achingly slow zombie
fashion.
VLAD
Is he still training for that
zombie marathon thing?
ALAN
I believe so, though the very idea
is farcical at best. You know how
long it will take a gaggle of
zombies to run 26 miles? The sun
will go red giant before they
finish. I’d rather watch tree
sloths race and they move so slow
algae forms on their fur.
Rex strolls into the living room confidently.
REX
My genius knows no bounds.
ALAN
I doubt that. You perfect your
hand-held lightning rod yet?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.
Rex growls at Alan who whips out a squirt bottle and dowses
the fearsome werewolf with streams of cold water.
Rex yelps and runs into the kitchen.
REX
(o.s.)
You will rue the day you spindly
hermaphrodite.
Alan pulls a dog whistle from his breast pocket and blows in
it.
Rex comes bounding into the living room despite no audible
sound and barks.
REX
Oh, you bastard! I guess you’re
not interested in seeing the cold
fusion reactor now humming
gleefully in the backyard.
ALAN
No way. I thought cold fusion was
largely theoretical or considered
bunk.
REX
Maybe for the intellectual midgets
at Harvard with their twenty
billion dollar endowment and
academic street cred that’s as
flimsy as Roman Polanski’s
knowledge of age of consent
laws. For an MIT man with an IQ
over 200, child’s play.
ALAN
How did you solve the problem of
sustainability?
REX
I reversed the polarity between the
cathode and the anode, quite by
accident, and nearly killed myself
in the process.
Rex glows with pride.
VLAD
So this means...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.
REX
That’s right, no more peddling the
exercise bike to generate
electricity.
Alan hugs Rex and Vlad bows and throws rose pedals.
VLAD
Hell yeah, Call of Duty 24 7. And
we can crank up the music.
REX
Yes. It should provide us with
enough power for every conceivable
use in perpetuity. Though I make
no guarantees about the reactor’s
ability to withstand the breadth of
Ramses porn library or Tawny’s
legendary electrified phalli
collection.
TAWNY
(o.s.)
I heard that!
RAMSES
(o.s.)
I heard that!
REX
Anyway. Just let me connect it to
the breaker box and the revelry can
ensue.
Alan follows Rex outside to see the reactor.
The only active lights fade off, the living room, Ramses
room, and upstairs, the unmistakable sign that the bike
generator has been taken off line.
TAWNY
(o.s.)
What the hell?
RAMSES
(o.s.)
Damn it Rex!
After a few seconds every light in the house turns on as a
yelp is herd from outside.
Coming from roughly the same area as Alan’s deceased
mother’s room blares NWA’s legendary Dope Man.
Alan bustles in, goes to the closet next to the couch, does
his door ritual, and retrieves a fire extinguisher.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.
Alan hurries back outside.
Vlad stares in titillated wonder and makes a face as if he
smells something awful.
Alan returns and walks through the living room to his
mother’s room and enters. The music turns off
suddenly. Alan exits the room then locks the
padlock...twelve times.
Alan stows away the fire extinguisher.
Rex enters the living room still in partial smolder, half
covered in flame retardant foam.
Vlad snickers.
REX
Don’t you have blood to go feint in
front of?
Vlad recoils then hurries out the door.
Rex sulks as he goes to the main floor bathroom. He opens
the door then retreats inside.
Water from the shower can be heard coming from the bathroom
as well as “Atomic Dog” by George Clinton blaring from a
radio.
Alan goes to the kitchen to make his dinner.
Ramses enters looking at DVD’s of The Ten Commandments and
The Mummy.
RAMSES
Which should I watch? One has the
spankarific Rachel Weiss while the
other has the luscious Debra Paget.
Alan returns from the kitchen impatiently.
ALAN
You actually knew Moses, correct?
RAMSES
Yes, in fact the cheap bastard owes
me money.
ALAN
Why on earth would a biblical hero
owe you money?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35.
RAMSES
It’s a long story but suffice to
say parting the Red Sea was my
idea.
ALAN
Even though the lure of mac and
cheese accompanied with Dr. Pepper
is a powerful force, morbid
curiosity demands I ask why.
RAMSES
Um, yeah, you wouldn’t believe me
if I told you.
ALAN
Try me.
RAMSES
Ok, you asked for it. My beloved
Nefertari was insanely hot, hot
enough to fuel 3000 years of
masturbatory enlightenment, and hot
enough to draw the eye of one
Moses. He grabbed her butt while
cajoling her into a hug. He called
me a camel humping sand pounder and
I chased him for years. One day,
my allergies flared up, I sneezed,
a huge cloud of sand obscured Moses
and the Israelites, then they made
their escape.
ALAN
And the Red Sea parting?
RAMSES
Moses had a sump pump.
Alan glares at Ramses in dissatisfaction.
ALAN
You’re right, I don’t believe
you. It is your contention that
Moses owes you money because of a
vitriolic missive fired off more
than 3000 years ago because he
grabbed your wife’s posterior, and
your allergies combined with an
implausible feat of engineering
aided in his escape?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 36.
RAMSES
Yup, and with accumulated interest,
I figure he owes me trillions and I
plan to collect.
ALAN
So, how do you plan to
collect? Time travel is impossible
and last I checked Moses was as
dead as David Blain’s career. It’s
not as if God has a cashier.
Ramses chuckles.
As he speaks Ramses absentmindedly snaps his fingers on his
right hand and a fire ball rises from his palm.
From his left hand, lightning shoots in tiny crackles from
the fingertips.
RAMSES
You don’t actually believe in god,
do you?
ALAN
Wait a tic. You knew Moses, you
have supernatural powers, and
you’re immortal but you don’t
believe god exists. I’m
speechless, kind of. So, are you a
devout atheist or on of those whiny
ones who ooze from the swamps at
Christmas time to bitch about
nativity scenes?
Ramses continues producing fire and lightning as he speaks.
RAMSES
I’m not an atheist per se, more of
an agnostic to be accurate. I just
don’t think as yet we can prove the
existence of the supernatural.
ALAN
Yet there you stand with fire and
lightning streaming from your
hands. Oh, and you knew Moses and
survived 3000 years in a stone
coffin with your own masturbatory
emissions, thus proving your divine
existence and immortality. Your
very existence is supernatural.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 37.
RAMSES
This proves nothing. Parlor
tricks. For all you know I could
be hiding incendiaries and
batteries in my wraps. And my
longevity could be explained by my
inherent stubbornness and affinity
for nutritional supplements.
ALAN
Then how do you explain your
granular masturbatory emissions?
RAMSES
Dehydration. I’m probably lucky it
doesn’t billow out like powdered
milk.
Alan goes to the window and tersely opens the blinds.
ALAN
Then what about the damn zombies?
RAMSES
Um, yeah, on that I got nothin’.
Alan glares incredulously then returns to the kitchen.
The pantry door is heard slamming shut.
ALAN
(o.s.)
Tawny! Did you eat my macaroni and
cheese again?!
Tawny comes inside to talk to the now enraged Alan.
They meet one another in front of the pantry.
ALAN
There was enough mac and cheese in
here to feed the 101st
Airborne. It should’ve lasted
until the fall but now there’s
barely enough to last the week.
TAWNY
I told you I have a thyroid
condition.
ALAN
Your libido and masturbatory habits
are ancillary. By my calculations,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 38.
ALAN (cont’d)
you’re eating 7000 calories a
day. No wonder your electronic
vibrating devices require an
independent power source. You’d
brown out the neighborhood even if
the power grid were functional.
TAWNY
Just because your sex drive is
dormant doesn’t mean you get to lay
your hang ups on me.
ALAN
But you’ve destroyed the
functionality of my meal plan in
the guise of facilitating and
satiating your ravenous
libido. You make Courtney Love
look chaste.
Zev bounds back into the house.
ZEV
Did someone mention Courtney Love?
ALAN
Shocker, the necrophiliac has a
crush on Courtney Love.
TAWNY
Go away Zev, we’re not talking
about her.
Zev hangs his head in disappointment and leaves the
house...very slowly.
ALAN
Anyway. Now I have to brave the
hordes of blood thirsty zombies
just so I can rest assured my meal
plan will remain intact.
Alan storms out of the kitchen as Tawny takes out a box of
macaroni and cheese from the pantry.
The now visibly livid obsessive performs his door ritual on
the closet, retrieves his backpack, then exits the house.
Rex comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around
his head like a genie.
He and Tawny, mac & cheese in hand, gaze out the window at
the seen unfolding in the front yard.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 39.
From inside the duo watch as every zombie tries to avoid
Alan like the plague as he goes to then unlocks his new
bicycle.
By the time Alan is ready to depart every zombie has turned
and is walking away from him, rendering the street utterly
deserted.
TAWNY
There he goes.
REX
Yup. He’s annoyed the zombies into
compelled starvation.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - DUSK
The parking lot is barren and sensory deprivation silent.
Alan glides across the asphalt and secures his bike to the
rack, never forgetting his lock ritual.
INT. GROCERY STORE
The place is void of any activity despite the lights that
are still humming above.
Alan pauses at the edge of the metallic grid that lay across
the ground in every retail establishment open 24 hours.
The linoleum tile as far as the eye can see is teeming with
cracks, making the floor nigh on impossible to traverse for
the Zen Master of OCD.
Alan scans his surroundings and sees a pile of the once
familiar plastic bags still adorned with a bright logo. He
picks up the bags and begins separating them into individual
bundles.
Alan places the first bag carefully on the floor and steps
gingerly on the plastic.
In ritualistic fashion, Alan sets a bag down for each step
until he reaches the aisles with his beloved macaroni and
cheese.
ALAN
Damn, no basket.
Alan retreats to the front of the store to obtain a cart,
ever carefully stepping on his bag trail.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 40.
Leaning against the enclosure housing the metal grocery
carts is a mop. Alan grabs it, puts it and his belongings
in the cart, and follows his makeshift path back to the
already scoped out aisles.
As Alan makes his way to salvation a breeze blows through
the front opening of the store, obliterating the carefully
laid path.
Oblivious that his exit has been made impassable, Alan pours
every box of macaroni and cheese into his cart, which soon
runs out of room.
Alan climbs to the top of the shelves that support his
dietary demands in order to retrieve a long row of premium
blend mac & cheese.
The breeze in the store gets decidedly more stiff,
completely destroying the bag trail.
ALAN
Wonder if there’s more in the back.
Alan looks down and suddenly realizes he’s effectively
trapped in the grocery store, destined to rot among the very
foodstuffs he was so obsessive about.
Alan is now beside himself with panic.
ALAN
For every problem there is a
solution, for every problem there
is a solution.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - NIGHT
A horrible ruckus is heard coming down the street, sounding
vaguely like a stream of shopping carts approaching from far
down the dimly lit street.
Tawny’s emergency flood lights illuminate the house and
asphalt directly in front.
Every zombie who was once wandering the neighborhood is now
scattering out of sight.
Alan comes into view, sitting triumphantly atop the lead in
a string of a dozen metal shopping carts, rowing with his
trusty mop, all of which are heavily laden with boxes upon
boxes upon boxes of...you know.
His bicycle is bungied to the caboose of this bizarre train.
41.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The tumult outside draws Tawny, Rex, Zev, and Ramses to the
window. They gaze in surreal awe as Alan unloads his
payload of food and stores it in the garage.
REX
You realize what this means don’t
you?
RAMSES
What?
TAWNY
What
ZEV
What?
REX
The wank stain will be even more
insufferable.
The four roomies disperse and go to their rooms.
Outside, Alan is carrying huge bundles of macaroni and
cheese into the garage, carefully avoiding any cracks in the
cement.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Zev is seen exiting the house in full workout gear.
He goes to a waiting car and enters on the back passenger
side.
The car drives off at .5mph.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVINGROOM
Vlad, Tawny, Alan, and Ramses gather on and around the couch
and watch TV in nervous anticipation.
VLAD
What time does Zev’s race start?
REX
(o.s.)
What does it matter? This is so
stupid.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 42.
TAWNY
Rex, get your furry ass in here and
support your friend.
REX
(o.s.)
Why? Even in time lapse this will
be like watching a glacier move.
ALAN
The mongrel has a point. The mere
thought of a zombie marathon is
astoundingly painful. I’d rather
watch Ramses masturbate. Would be
far less time consuming.
Ramses begins unwrapping his nether region.
ALAN
I was making an analogy you
hypersexual auto-eroctica freak.
Ramses re-wraps his bandages sheepishly.
TAWNY
Rex, stop complaining and get out
here.
Rex enters the living room and starts dry humping Vlad’s
leg, eerily similar to a horny domesticated dog.
VLAD
Dear god, I just washed these
pants!
Alan goes to the closet, performs his door ritual, and
retrieves the vacuum cleaner while Rex looks on nervously.
ALAN
Tawny, will you do the honors?
The lovely lass gets up off the couch as Rex continues to
have sex with Vlad’s leg.
REX
You diabolical harpy.
The vacuum cleaner roars to life and Rex immediately jumps
off of the vampire’s leg.
Vlad looks at his leg in disgust as there is a noticeable
stain on his upper thigh.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 43.
Tawny starts chasing the werewolf around the living room
with the now excruciatingly appliance.
Rex yelps in fear and is finally chased into the kitchen by
the now smiling brunette.
The vacuum becomes mercifully quiet, and Alan stores it back
in the closet.
Exposing his morbid fear of vacuum cleaners has obviously
enraged Rex as a huge ruckus can be heard coming from the
kitchen.
ALAN
Is he having another tantrum?
GROUP
Yes.
ALAN
(raising his voice so Rex can
here him)
Stop being such a baby.
TAWNY
Zev’s race is about to start.
Rex returns to the living room with a huge rawhide chew toy
in his mouth.
Vlad gets up off the couch and storms to his room.
RAMSES
Where are you going?
VLAD
To change my pants, because sitting
there with Rex’s love juice on my
leg is creepy as hell.
TV IMAGES
ZSPN SPORTS SUNDAY
SHORT MONTAGE OF ZOMBIE SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS
The zombie like CHARLIE STEINER looks into the camera and
begins the broadcast.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 44.
CHARLIE STEINER
Welcome ladies and gentlemen to
Sports Sunday. Today we are
broadcasting live the first annual
Denver Zombie Marathon. Let’s kick
it to Steve Levy for a live report
from the starting line.
EXT. COLFAX AVE. - STARTING LINE - DAY - SUNNY
Thousands of MARATHON ZOMBIES decked out in running gear
gather at the starting line.
An undead STEVE LEVY is reporting for ZSPN.
STEVE LEVY
Thanks Chaz. We are with pre-race
favorite Zev. What’s your
strategy.
ZEV
Win.
STEVE LEVY
Thanks. Back to you Chaz.
The assembled athletes snarl in pre-race histrionics. Zev
stares down the other racers, looking like an undead
Pefontaine with rabies.
The starting official looks at his watch then raises his
pistol.
BLAM!
Two things happen within nanoseconds of each other
immediately following the starter pistol...
The tape drops signaling to all runners they are free to
scamper along the cityscape to their hearts’ content, and a
zombie standing next to the starting official has his leg
blown off at mid thigh in a cloud of dust.
The gaggle o’ ghouls saunters down Colfax at a brisk .6 mph.
What athleticism?!
45.
MANY DAYS LATER
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Ramses is gazing in the window of the downstairs bathroom,
the bandages covering his nether regions billow in the wind.
Tawny can be seen in the shower going about her business.
A copious amount of sand cascades to the ground at the
mummy’s feet, adding more to what looks like a small scale
beach in the front yard.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE
Vlad and Alan are playing Resident Evil. Vlad’s character
moves in robotic and plodding fashion while Alan’s dances
with unimaginable grace.
ALAN
You stink at video games.
VLAD
It’s the controller, they’re
counter intuitive.
ALAN
So your stunning lack of gaming
skills is a function of poor
controller design, a setup decades
in the making? I don’t buy it my
gothically pale amigo.
VLAD
So, it’s the truth.
ALAN
Do you have opposable thumbs?
VLAD
Of course.
ALAN
Then why is moving them
rhythmically so difficult for you?
VLAD
Call it a mental block.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 46.
ALAN
Well, I’ll just go get my newly
perfected controllers for you to
try.
Rex saunters arrogantly into the living room, a familiar and
iconic illuminated saber in his paw.
It even sounds like a shiny sword thingy!
REX
Behold, the greatest engineering
feat in human history.
ALAN
Point of information, you’re not
human. Is that a functioning
lightsab...
REX
No, absolutely not. To call it so
would violate copyright law.
Everyone in the room breaks the fifth wall and stares
surreptitiously into the camera.
The fifth wall is re-established.
REX
This is my shiny katana, or really
cool cutting implement, Ricci for
short. I’m still working on a
name.
Rex waves the plasma sword around, drawing ooooh’s and
awww’s from Alan and Vlad as it makes its characteristic
sound.
REX
It has sound settings too.
With a flip of the switch, Ricci now begins bah-ing like a
sheep when at rest, bleating loudly as it is waved through
the air.
Ramses enters from outside.
RAMSES
Nuh uh. Is that a...
ALAN
No...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 47.
VLAD
Copyright.
RAMSES
Oh.
Rex flips the sound switch and the sword begins clucking
like a chicken, issuing a loud BAWK when waved through the
air.
Alan takes the hilt, flips the sound switch, and it purrs
like a cat, hissing and mewing as it’s moved around.
Vlad grabs the handle, adjusts the sound setting, and the
glowing sword emits the drone of a propeller driven
airplane, a diving sound with machine gun fire as the
vampire pantomimes swordplay.
Ramses eagerly grabs RICCI, finds the desired setting, and
the decidedly feminine purring of sexual arousal floods the
air.
Orgasmic cry after orgasmic cry pierces the ear accompanied
by an eerily beautiful and unfathomably quick display of
martial artistry from the hyper-sexual pharaoh.
In a blur of light and moans, Ramses climaxes, sending sand
everywhere.
Rex rips the hilt out of Ramses’ hand.
REX
Never touch my RICCI again.
Rex pauses sheepishly.
REX
That sounded so wrong, huh.
Alan, Vlad, and Ramses nod in harmonious agreement.
Alan gets the vacuum from the closet, all the while Rex gets
more nervous.
Rex begins humping Ramses’ leg.
Alan turns on the vacuum then chases Rex to his room. He
then meticulously cleans the mummy’s seed off the rug.
Ramses goes to his room.
Alan stows the now idle vacuum cleaner.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 48.
Ramses returns wearing a t-shirt with "If you aren’t Arab,
you ain’t Shiite" screen painted on the front. The pharaoh
exits the front door.
Vlad puts Interview With A Vampire into the DVD player.
An annoyed Alan storms up to Vlad.
ALAN
What is with your obsession with
vampire movies? Most are just
painfully awful and wildly
inaccurate.
VLAD
Is it your contention that Blade is
a bad movie?
ALAN
Touché.
VLAD
You know my obsession for vampire
movies runs deep. I have no
intention of curbing my appetite
because it annoys you.
ALAN
Well, there’s no need to get nasty
or defensive. I admire your taste
in movies, I just question the
rationale behind watching nothing
but vampire genre.
VLAD
At least give me credit for not
watching those awful Twilight
movies.
ALAN
Well played sir.
Rex enters wearing a t-shirt with E=MC2 on the front, then
exits the front door.
Alan does his door ritual, retrieves his pack from the
closet, then prepares to leave on some errand.
ALAN
Yo V, you need anything that
doesn’t require any bloodletting?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 49.
VLAD
No thanks, I’m good.
Alan leaves.
A glistening vision wrapped in terry cloth enters, Tawny in
all her nubile and dampened glory. Have we mentioned she’s
certifiably hot? Just checking.
She goes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and pulls out an
ice cream cake.
After an exhaustive search through the kitchen utensils,
Tawny finds a huge butcher knife to cut off a piece of cake.
She uses all her strength yet predictably the knife does
absolutely no damage to the frozen yummyness.
Tawny looks around in frustration but finds nothing with
which to cut the cake.
TAWNY
Vlad, can I get your help?
Vlad comes bounding in from the living room.
VLAD
Wasup Tawny?
TAWNY
I can’t find anything to cut this
with.
Vlad gets a curious look on his face then piques with
acknowledgment at having come up with an idea.
Our intrepid vampire jaunts off to Rex’s room and retrieves
the shiny sword that Ramses had so adored minutes before.
He pushes a button on the hilt and hears the familiar sound
that drove Ramses to orgasmic glee earlier, the soft mewing
of a girl in heat.
Vlad goes to the cake made of granite and assumes a samurai
stance, brings the blade down slowly on the unsuspecting
confection, eliciting a cry of "YES" from the sound setting,
leaving not a mark.
VLAD
What the fuck is this thing made
of, kryptonite?
In frustration, Vlad puts all his gaunt weight on the hilt.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 50.
As his frame tilts and the blade moans in sexual glee the
delicate operation goes horribly wrong.
RICCI flies from Vlad’s hand, into the living room, severing
a leg on Rex’s prized grand piano in a melodic thud.
The luminescent blade then bores a hole in the living room
floor through to the basement.
Tawny gazes on in fear and frank humor as Vlad removes to
the basement to retrieve the sword.
After a few seconds, Tawny hears a discernibly shaken Vlad
call out from the room beneath her.
VLAD
(o.s.)
Tawny, can you get a rope?
She goes to the edge of the hole, four feet in diameter by
the way, and peers down at a helpless vampire standing in a
ten feet deep pit dug by a now spastically flashing and once
functioning feat of engineering.
TAWNY
Ohhhhhh, Rex is gonna kill you, so
is Alan.
VLAD
I know. Can I get some help?
TAWNY
Sure, but when you get out, you
might want to find a country
without an extradition treaty with
the U.S.
VLAD
I know...gimme some help.
TAWNY
Can’t you turn into a bat or
something?
VLAD
Yes, but you know I can’t stand
them.
TAWNY
So, just don’t look in the mirror.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 51.
VLAD
Fine, so undignified.
Vlad instantly turns into a bat, drops the shiny thingy, and
gets zapped by a random arch of electricity.
Upon getting hit by the bolt of bzzzzzzzzz, our vamp lays
there smoldering but conscious.
VLAD
God damn apocalypse.
Tawny goes to her room.
Seconds later she returns in full special forces night
operations gear.
A rope is unfurled and tossed down to Vlad.
The still smoking vampire ties off then gets winched out of
the pit and up to the living room.
VLAD
Have I ever told you that you look
ravishing in uniform?
TAWNY
Down boy, Rex will be home soon and
we need to prop up or fix this
piano.
Vlad stares off in contemplation, energizes with new found
enthusiasm, and goes to Ramses room.
After a few seconds he comes back carrying a huge stack of
porn DVD’s lifted from Ramses’ collection.
TAWNY
Ramses is gonna flip out.
Vlad starts stacking the cases to form an impromptu piano
leg.
TAWNY
Stop ya tard. You gotta put them
in a good order.
As Tawny rearranges the movies Vlad begins snickering then
laughing uncontrollably.
VLAD
Oh, you’re bad.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 52.
TAWNY
Go watch the window. I’ll tell you
when I’m done.
In full chortle, Vlad goes on watch.
After a bit Tawny signals Vlad to help prop up the piano.
With his once in a generational super strength, Vlad lifts
the stricken instrument while Tawny puts the support in
place.
Upon completion, and in an uncontrollable urge, Vlad checks
out the new piano appendage.
In a fit of riotous laughter, he puts the shiny sword back
in Rex’s room then closes the door to the mummy’s bedroom.
Vlad and Tawny, piece of freshly cut ice cream cake in hand,
sit down as casually as possible on the couch.
VLAD
How’d you cut that?
TAWNY
Oh. Turns out you just need to let
it sit a few minutes to partially
thaw. And a M16 combat knife
helps.
With her last syllable, Tawny draws then throws the knife in
one fluid motion, impaling a fly on the wall just below the
portrait of Alan’s grandmother.
The fly twitches as ice cream drips from its wings.
VLAD
You’re one scary bitch.
TAWNY
Awwwwwww, thank you.
VLAD
You’re welcome. Wanna shag?
TAWNY
I’m not into necrophilia ya perv.
VLAD
Technically I’m not dead, more
dead-ish, undead, or alive if you
will, with peculiar dietary habits.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 53.
TAWNY
Yah, how’s that going? Can you
stomach blood yet?
VLAD
Kind of, and thanks for the tea
bags. I have to close my eyes
before drinking blood. Actually,
it’s quite tasty, and Hispanic
blood in particular has a hint of
cilantro.
TAWNY
What about the French?
VLAD
Too fishy.
They both chuckle.
Rex and Ramses stroll in with their eyes rolling into the
backs of their respective head, Alan behind them droning on
about something.
ALAN
I’m serious, the aliens tried to
anally probe me yesterday.
REX
There’s no such things as aliens
Alan, the concept in and of itself
is farcical at best.
A UNICORN strolls through the living room.
UNICORN
You didn’t believe in zombies
either and now we’re neck deep in
the moaning morons.
The five housemates stop to collect themselves.
Rex notices the piano.
REX
Why is my piano being held up by
his porn?
RAMSES
Why is my porn holding up his
piano?
Alan looks closely at the selection used to prop up the
concert grand.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 54.
ALAN
Why is Schindler’s List between Big
Titted Jewish Sluts and Big Titted
German Sluts?
TAWNY
Look closer Alan.
The now annoyed nerd looks at the titles more closely.
ALAN
Schindler’s Fist? I don’t get it.
Ramses leans in and whispers in Alan’s ear.
ALAN
Nuh uh.
The pharaoh nods his head.
ALAN
The whole thing?
Ramses nods.
Alan looks at Tawny.
TAWNY
Hell no, that shit hurts.
ALAN
Well god bless you for not turning
yourself into a Muppet in your
hourly pilgrimage for the ever
elusive orgasm.
Rex exits the scene and follows the direction the unicorn
went seconds ago.
The room mates still present begin bickering.
THWACK!!!
The unmistakable sound of a traumatizing whinny stops
everyone cold.
Rex returns, contentedly picking his teeth with a unicorn
horn.
The rest of the group gazes on in disgust.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 55.
REX
What?
RAMSES
Isn’t eating a unicorn worth like
50,000 years bad luck?
ALAN
I am unaware of any such societal
convention, though I admit, it does
seem a tad bit morbid.
REX
It was quite tasty, though a bit on
the sweet side for red meat.
A colossal flatulence escapes from Rex’s hind quarters,
producing the most vivid rainbow.
From out of nowhere, a leprechaun scurries to the end of the
strand of color, places a pot of gold coins on the floor,
and with a snap of his fingers disappears.
RAMSES
Was that a...
TAWNY
Leprechaun.
REX
leprechaun.
VLAD
Leprechaun.
RAMSES
Um, this just in, and as a point of
information, I’m no longer
agnostic. God is so real, and a
bit of a perv if you ask me.
ALAN
So, you’re telling us your epiphany
is the result of rainbow
flatulence? Damn apocalypse!
Alan storms upstairs to his room.
Tawny goes over to the pot, removes a coin, then unwraps it,
revealing a yummy chocolate disc.
She eagerly stuffs the cargo pockets of her pants with more
discs.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 56.
RAMSES
One can never predict from whence
the revelation will come. Get
it? Revelation?
Those still assembled disperse in a huff.
RAMSES
Oh, come on, that was funny.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Birds chirp, providing the soundtrack to the picturesque
setting.
Rex has a sun bonnet on secured by a sheer handkerchief tied
neath his jaw, sunglasses on, a glass of lemonade in one
mit, the hose in the other, watering the flower bed.
The distinctive rhythmic THUMP THUMP THUMP of car stereo
bass builds as zombie gangsters roll up on the house and
point Super Soakers out the windows, aiming them at Rex.
The annoyed werewolf flashes his formidable teeth and
growls.
In a panic, the zangsters retreat into the safety of their
car and, with an imperceptible change in velocity, speed off
at .5mph.
Rex douses the automobile with the hose, absolutely
drenching the would be drive by sprinklers.
A blustery Tawny bursts out the front door.
TAWNY
Rex, get your hairy ass in
here. The finish of Zev’s race is
on and he’s in a dead heat for
first.
A sullen Rex goes to the spigot, turns off the hose, and
trudges back inside.
REX
Who gives a shit? This is so
stupid. What are we going to watch
next, glacier races, which koalas
can eat a bamboo shoot the
fastest. I know, how about the
time honored Galapagos turtle
dash. Better yet, lets watch the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 57.
REX (cont’d)
Sphinx erode in the desert wind and
televise it.
RAMSES
(o.s.)
Quit your bitching and get in here.
In a huff, Rex grudgingly goes inside.
EXT. FINISH LINE
A gaggle of a dozen zombie runners are moving hurriedly
toward the finishing tape.
The zombie that is Steve Levy calls the exciting finish of
the first, and presumably last, Denver Zombie Marathon.
STEVE LEVY
Nothing can quite capture the
majesty of this moment. Let’s just
soak it in.
As the cabal of slow ass athletes near the finish line, it
becomes evident the wear and tear on their respective bodies
has taken its toll.
Most look a wreck, as far as the undead go, limbs at the
point of splintering into dust.
One of the group has his leg disintegrate into a powdery
cloud less than one hundred feet from the finish line.
As he falls, three others trip over him and suffer similar
catastrophic leg injuries, ending their race.
There remain eight racers, all vying for the lead with
reckless abandon.
With an audible snap, the foot of another falls off, ending
his day. He mercifully falls in the gutter, leaving a lucky
seven to jostle for supremacy.
Down Colfax they scurry, more like plodding along at a
maddeningly slow pace.
From the constant physicality of the flying elbows, snarls,
and looks of bad intent, it is abundantly clear these rivals
are none too fond of one another.
Zev throws a frustrated elbow at his nearest tormentor,
doing untold damage to his neck.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 58.
A few seconds later the stricken zombie watches his body
continue the race from the sidelines as his head has broken
free of its moorings atop the neck and rolled into the
gutter.
The throng gathered to watch the finish cheer wildly.
Six left.
Zev’s body glistens in the mid day sun, most un-zombie like.
Another loud snap is heard, then another, then another.
Three more runners lay in the street and out of contention,
limbs askew and destroyed from wear.
The last three pick up their pace with the finishing tape
but a few steps away.
Zev makes his final burst, if you can call it that, and
crosses the line the winner, much to the crowd’s delight.
A RACE OFFICIAL, another zombie, duh, congratulates Zev and
hands him a large trophy. Perched atop the majestic award
is a hockey player of brass.
RACE OFFICIAL
Congratulations!
At the same time, a SHAPELY ZOMBETTE leans in and kisses the
champion then hands him a garland of dead flowers.
ZOMBETTE
Congratulations!
Steve Levy muscles his way through the crowd to interview
Zev.
STEVE LEVY
Zev, a quick word. You look
remarkably unscathed after such a
grueling race. How’d you do it?
ZEV
I’d like to thank God for bringing
about Armageddon and showing that
zombies are people too. I’d also
like to thank God for giving Zev
the courage to win, for giving Zev
the will to survive, and giving Zev
a body on loan from the heavens.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 59.
STEVE LEVY
With typical grace and humility,
zombie nation has shown us the
majesty that is sports. Back to
you Chaz.
ZSPN SPORTS SUNDAY
CHARLIE STEINER
Thank you Steve. And thank you
those who tuned in from zombie
nation. Take care. We now kick it
to...
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The television drones on.
Sunlight streams in through the front windows.
All the room mates, save Zev of course, are sound asleep.
Alan is cuddled up with Tawny, drool cascades from the
corner of their respective mouths.
A Snoopy blanket covers Tawny while Alan is swaddled in a
tauntaun sleeping bag that zips at the abdomen seem. The
zipper handle looks just like a light saber. There’s no way
George Lucas will acctually read this this printed
excrement, you think?
Vlad is in an overstuffed easy chair tucked away from the
sunlight, wearing black footy pajamas and cradling a stuffed
plushy that looks like Count von Count from Sesame Street.
Ramses lays on the floor face down with his arm wrapped
around a female inflatable love doll. Perv.
Rex is in the corner, twitching and running in the throws of
a canine dream scape, big plastic bone clutched in his arms.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - NIGHT
A quadriplegic drives his chair down the street, followed by
an old man with a walker.
Behind them is a murder of zombies in perky hot pursuit.
60.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Tawny lays seductively on her lounge chair, radio blaring
some bubblegum pop song from the 1980’s.
My goodness, look at all the sand!
With a furtive glance, our glistening sunbather checks her
watch then bounces inside.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Alan munches on potato chips and dip contentedly while
watching television.
Tawny walks in and changes the channel to ZSPN.
ALAN
Hey, I was watching a fascinating
debate between the zombie Noam
Chomsky and the zombie Dick Cheney,
at least I think Cheney was a
minion of the undead but who can
tell at this point. He’s one more
internal prosthetic away from being
Darth Vader.
TAWNY
Shhhhhhh, they’re talking about
Zev.
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
From roughly the same direction as Rex’s room comes the howl
of werewolf discontent, deep sorrow to be more exact.
REX
(o.s.)
I can’t believe they shot him!
Tawny reflexively rolls her eyes and Alan shakes his head in
annoyance bordering on disgust.
ALAN
Is rex watching Old Yeller again?
61.
ZSPN SPORTS CENTER
CHARLIE STEINER
For those just tuning in, Zev, the
winner of the first annual Denver
Zombie Marathon has been stripped
of his title after testing positive
for performance enhancing
drugs. Zev tested positive in a
post race screening for
formaldehyde, MSG, and embalming
fluid.
TV IMAGES
Zev tries to exit the Zombie Sports Bureau through the crush
of photographers and press.
Cameras flash and reporters shower the now humiliated
ex-champion as he dashes, sort of, to his awaiting car.
Steve Levy tries in vain to get Zev to answer a few
questions.
The car squeals its tires then speeds off, at .9mph.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Birds chirp and a single lawnmower engine can be heard far
off in the distance, harbingers of summer days.
Tawny is sunbathing on the sand piled up under her bathroom
window, a huge beach umbrella behind her, and a cooler full
of tropical drinks at her side. Oh, the M4 is leaning
against her lawn chair.
Zev’s ride pulls up followed closely by a gaggle of zombie
paparazzi.
Dozens of flashbulbs go off blindingly as Zev exits the car
then makes his way through the gauntlet to the front door,
and eventually inside the house.
As if breaking a trance, the zombies suddenly realize their
nature and begin looking at the nubile sunbather with
ravenous eyes. She looks tasty, a most sumptuous afternoon
snack.
With complete nonchalance, Tawny reaches up, grabs her
trusty M4 and puts the stock in her shoulder, raises her
sunglasses, aims and shoots the nearest flesh eater in the
forehead, killing it instantly.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 62.
The horde of undead stops in their tracks, frozen in fear.
TAWNY
BOO!
With that, every zombie that was once bent on turning our
gun wielding tart into a buffet scatters in every direction
with human speed, all deathly afraid of the special forces
nympho exhibitionist. They ran fast, really, I swear!
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Rex peers out the front window, joined by Zev, Ramses, and
Vlad.
VLAD
She’s one scary bitch.
RAMSES
Still say that was hot. Isn’t
there something sexy about a woman
who can handle automatic firearms?
VLAD
Uh huh.
REX
Uh huh.
ZEV
Uh huh.
Alan comes into the room carrying a wooden box in one hand
and what looks like Jell-O molds of decidedly feminine
breasts, full on D cups, on a tray in the other.
Instinctively, Ramses sniffs the air, turns around, and sees
the now visibly jiggling boob platter.
ALAN
Back off King Tut, unless you want
me to set cats loose in your
bedroom again.
Ramses recoils but gazes at the bouncing mammaries in
titillated wonder. Ha! Get it?
ALAN
Behold my engineering marvels, the
perfect video game controllers.
Rex, Zev, and Vlad turn around and partake in the vision of
nerdy surrealism.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 63.
ALAN
This box is my fav controller,
these were inspired admittedly by
Tawny’s accouterments and Ramses
movie collection.
Vlad walks over and stares at the controllers in genuine
awe.
VLAD
You mean these will help my video
game playing abilities?
ALAN
In theory, yes. I’m hoping the
designs are more to your liking
than the standard controllers.
As if he were channeling the spirit of an infomercial
salesman, Alan begins his instructional session.
ALAN
With this box controller, you
simply insert your hands in the
holes and activate the waterproof
buttons strewn throughout the
innards. The breast controller is
a bit different.
Vlad walks over and grabs the box first, plugs it in,
follows Alan’s instructions, begins a solo campaign in Call
of Duty: Modern Warfare then proceeds to die almost
immediately.
His character is still horribly lifeless and pitifully easy
to kill.
In disgust, Vlad throws the controller through the window,
accidentally hitting Tawny, who returns fire, hitting Zev in
the arm and severing it in a cloud of dust.
ZEV
God damn it!
RAMSES
Relax, we’ll fix it in a minute. I
gotta see this boob controller
work.
ZEV
What about my arm?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 64.
A hairy arm reaches over and places the severed appendage in
place. The other arm begins wrapping duct tape around the
break site. The deed done, large teeth bite the tape and
the big claws smooth it in place.
Zev flexes his wrist and fingers checking the repair.
ZEV
Thanks.
The boob controller is on Vlad’s lap as he stares at it in
wonder.
Alan plugs the boobtroller into the game console.
ALAN
Go ahead, try it. I think you’ll
find it natural and user friendly.
The perplexed vampire sets his hands tepidly on the mammary
platter and fires up Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.
In undreamed of nimbleness, his character dances around the
screen killing bad guys by the score without suffering a
single hit from enemy fire, a true Rain Man moment.
VLAD
It’s so intuitive.
Vlad’s hands dance all over the boob controller, eliciting a
series if jiggles from the platter.
VLAD
My hands and fingers just seem to
know where to go.
The video game dance continues as Vlad hums through seas of
enemies.
RAMSES
We gotta get Tawny to try this.
The assembled roomies stare at the mummy king in collective
revulsion.
Vlad continues to send his character to undreamed of heights
of murderous efficiency, felling every foe with surgical
precision.
Alan absent mindedly steps on the area rug covering the hole
that Vlad and Tawny had created earlier...well primarily
Vlad and his lack of motor coordination.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 65.
As Alan hits the center of the rug, he and Rex go plunging
through into the pit below.
ALAN
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
REX
What the hell just happened?
ALAN
Gravity. Someone
help. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
REX
My god, you’re annoying even when
you’re in pain.
ALAN
Get your claw out of my posterior,
now. Ow. Now. Ow. Now. Ow.
REX
Stop squirming ya tard. I need to
retract...
ALAN
Out of my
tract. Ow. Now. Ow. Now. Ow.
REX
Let me pull my claw...Tawny, we
need her and all her military gear.
ALAN
Out of my
rear. Ow. Now. Ow. Now. Ow.
Ramses piques with interest.
RAMSES
I’ll go up to her room and get what
we need.
He goes bounding up the stairs with palpable glee.
With an audible THUD, a knife embeds itself in the wall
directly in front of Ramses, stopping the mummy king cold.
RAMSES
She’s such a scary tart.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 66.
TAWNY
Stay out of my room Ramses!
Vlad continues playing video games, oblivious to the goings
on. As a point of information, my god he’s scary good now.
RAMSES
Tawny, we need your expertise,
please.
Tawny comes in from sunbathing, M4 in hand.
TAWNY
What?
ALAN
Down here.
REX
Down here
Tawny stares down at the two rivals, entombed as they are in
an inescapable pit.
ALAN
We need your help to get out.
TAWNY
What? Do I hear a please?
ALAN
Please?
REX
Pretty please
TAWNY
With sugar on it?
ALAN
Oh for the love of God, his
claw was in my rectum, if
you think I’m going to beg,
you’re sadly mistaken.
REX
If you have an ounce of
compassion, get me out of
here and away from Rain
Man the mind numbingly
annoying.
TAWNY
Awwww, you two are so cute. Of
course I’ll help.
Tawny saunters upstairs casually.
Sand begins pouring down on top of Rex and Alan.
Ramses crotch bandages are open.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 67.
REX
Oh, you are so atmospheric ejectus
when I get out of this pit.
ALAN
Did his love dust just hit my head?
Rex nods in disgust.
Alan begins convulsively wiping the sand off his cloths,
hair, and skin.
ALAN
Oh god, it’s in my mouth, it’s in
my mouth.
Rex actually assists the now panicking obsessive with the
dusting off process.
After a few seconds, Alan is somewhat satisfied he is clean
enough.
In a fit of gratitude, he hugs Rex, then realizes the lycan
has a great deal more sand embedded in his coat.
Alan recoils in revulsion.
ALAN
You need a bath.
REX
Thank you captain obvious.
ALAN
I meant to say, if you’ll be
amenable, I’ve devised a new
shampoo that should remove Ramses’
seed from your fur and restore its
natural sheen.
REX
Thank you, that would be
appreciated, you mutant.
ALAN
Was that necessary? And you’re one
to talk you hyperadrenal walking
bath mat.
REX
I’m not fat, I’m rotund.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 68.
ALAN
Whatever. You’re basically three
cholesterol points away from
becoming a solid.
REX
Eat shit you spindly pale pseudo
zombie. You’re so skinny,
we could use your body as a lock
pick.
Tawny returns hole side, donning full special forces gear
and face paint, to find Ramses sitting contentedly with legs
crossed peering down the hole at the combative captives.
The nubile nymphet sets up her gear and gets ready to rescue
Alan and Rex.
TAWNY
What are they doing?
RAMSES
Bonding.
A black rope falls between the two feuding pit dwellers.
TAWNY
Rex, grab the rope, Alan, climb on
his back and I’ll hoist you both
up.
They both look at each other in mutual disgust then back up
at Tawny.
ALAN
Oh hell no!
REX
Eat shit!
TAWNY
Look, either follow my instructions
or stay in the love pit. Your
choice.
Rex immediately grabs the rope and Alan dutifully hops on
his back.
With the carabiner and pulley system screwed into the
banister above the hole, Tawny hoists Alan and Rex out of
the hole.
As the two reach the relative safety of the living room,
they dismount the system with typical clumsiness.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 69.
ALAN
All right, what happened to my
nana’s floor?
Tawny and Vlad stare at each other in recognition of their
plight.
VLAD
She did it!
TAWNY
He did it!
Rex sulks to his room and Ramses leaves through the kitchen
and out the back door; the two clearly want nothing to do
with the now livid Alan.
ALAN
You two had better explain
yourselves or else you’ll be
fending off the zombie hordes.
VLAD
Tawny needed help cutting her ice
cream cake so I borrowed Rex’s
shiny sword. It slipped and cut
the leg off the piano then blew
open the holes.
TAWNY
It was my fault Alan. It looked so
yummy and I couldn’t resist. We’re
sorry.
Tawny and Vlad nod in earnest agreement.
Rex storms in.
REX
You used my RICCI without
permission? Have you no
shame? You will rue the day.
The incensed werewolf returns to his room.
Alan, Vlad, Tawny, and the newly returned Ramses gaze at Rex
in wonder.
Rex re-emerges with a bath towel, shampoo, and rubber duck,
then slinks into the bathroom.
Soon after the bathroom door closes, "How Much Is That
Doggie In The Window" by Pattie Page blares from the radio,
punctuated by a loud bark from Rex during the chorus
finales. He loves his dog songs.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 70.
ALAN
For the love of God, the
post-apocalyptic era is getting
more strange by the hour.
Ramses snickers from the kitchen entrance.
RAMSES
You backwoods simpleton, there is
no god.
ALAN
Huh? I thought we took care of
this already. Hello, zombies!
RAMSES
So, big deal. Proves nothing.
A half eaten unicorn strolls across the living room. His
iconic horn has grown back.
UNICORN
Yet here I am. You’re an
idiot. Have a merry end of days ya
tard.
Ramses gets a quizzical look on his face, his eyes more
accurately, you know the bandages are obscuring his face.
RAMSES
Um, yes. I’m a believer again.
Alan storms off upstairs in a huff.
RAMSES
(yelling)
Yo Rex, the unicorn just passed
through. His horn grew back.
The music stops and a sopping wet lycan bursts from the
bathroom with the towel tied around his midsection,
carefully covering his newly formed man boobs.
In a flash, Rex sniffs the air then scoots off in the
direction the unicorn went.
THWACK!
The distinctive sound of an equine in pain accompanies the
sound of blunt force trauma.
71.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - NIGHT
The streets are eerily quiet and the front yard is deserted.
The sand pile under the ground floor bathroom has grown to
enormous proportions and is illuminated by a motion sensor
flood light.
A timid and irresistibly cute little rabbit flirts with the
edge of the pool of light.
Without warning, the bunny is eviscerated in a hail of gun
fire from an automatic machine gun that juts out from a
fully operational defense turret now guarding the front
yard.
REX
(yelling from the porch)
Tawny, the motion sensors work.
TAWNY
(from the roof)
Thanks fluffy monkey.
REX
Stop calling me that.
TAWNY
Okay fuzzy wuzzy.
REX
Damn Armageddon.
ALAN
It’s not the Armageddon.
Rex opens the front door in a huff and goes inside, slamming
it behind.
REX
(o.s.)
Shut up Alan.
TAWNY
(o.s.)
Shut up Alan.
A dim light pops on in Rex’s bedroom.
Barely two seconds later a blinding flash of light bursts
forth from Rex’s window accompanied by a loud yelp of pain.
REX
(o.s.)
RICCI! Can somebody get the fire
extinguisher?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 72.
VLAD
(o.s.)
What’s that smell?
ALAN
(o.s.)
Burning lycan. You get used to it.
REX
Hurry for the LOVE OF GOD. I’m on
fire! I’m on fire!
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
The birds chirp and dogs bark occasionally to set an
idealistic mood on a sunny day.
In the driveway is Tawny’s Bradley, which is now completely
covered in post it notes of every available color.
A bunny carefully tries to cross the lawn but gets
obliterated from machine gun fire from the now fully
operational and independent turret.
The murderous weapon fires up into the air and dozens of
birds fall to the ground in a lifeless heap.
A zombie gets cut down too.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Tawny sits in unbridled contentedness eating macaroni and
cheese as her piece of commissioned military engineering,
built by Rex, hums mercilessly.
Rex storms in, his once lush fur is now a patchwork of burn
marks, singed hair, clumps of undamaged coat, and horrid
scarring. He looks like a Jason Voorhees.
REX
Are you just going to sit there or
apologize?
TAWNY
Apologize for what? I fulfilled my
end of the contract.
Alan walks in, carefully avoiding the hole that now
dominates the aesthetic of the once pristine living room.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 73.
ALAN
What are you complaining about now
Rex? Your pelt is far beyond the
limits of Rogaine at this point.
REX
Eat it tard boy. This little
nympho broke my shiny sword and
won’t apologize. I should blow
that turret sky high
TAWNY
First of all, it was Vlad who broke
your thingy, not me. Second, I
paid you for the damn turret. Back
off, I have silver jacketed rounds
now.
Tawny menacingly locks and loads her ever present M4 carbine
and aims it Rex.
Wearing a silk housecoat and decidedly feminine ear
accouterments, Zev strolls through the living room, unhooks
the boob video game controller, winds its cord up, tucks it
under his arm, and casually walks down into the basement.
Ramses follows Zev surreptitiously.
Vlad enters the room wearing a Van Helsing t-shirt,
inappropriately tight jeans, and canvas sneakers.
VLAD
Look at me, I’m emo.
The roomies gaze on in a sense of "huh" as with his last
word Vlad unfurls his long black hair so it obscures his
entire face. He then takes a can of hairspray and arranges
his locks to vaguely resemble a yucca plant.
REX
You look like foliage tilted on its
side.
ALAN
He’s right Vlad, you do resemble
Yucca filamentosa.
VLAD
Just go with it for a few
minutes. I’ve got a date coming
over, a tasty morsel of a vampette
who digs the goth-emo vibe.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 74.
ALAN
Shocker, a vampire who enjoys the
Gothic and emo subculture. Next
thing you’ll tell me is she likes
Sisters of Mercy, has an unabiding
hatred of John Denver, and wants
nothing more than to have hair as
black as her soul.
REX
Who doesn’t hate John Denver, the
simpering I’m too damn happy for my
own good wienie?
ALAN
Well played sir.
Alan and Rex bump fists, albeit tepidly.
VLAD
I hate goth and emo too but if I
don’t get any loving soon I’m going
to gnaw Tawny’s boobs off.
TAWNY
Over my dead body.
REX
And mine.
VLAD
Noted. Just play along, be my wing
posse for the love of vamp booty
and everything unholy, please.
ROOMIES
Okay.
From below, somewhere in the basement, the unmistakable
sound of haunting music grows in volume.
The four topside roommates gaze down into hole to see what
on earth could be happening.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - BASEMENT
The now iconic tone of Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzerus blares
from the stereo.
Zev sits in front of a makeup table applying lipstick while
gazing at himself in the mirror.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 75.
ZEV
Would you do me? I’d do me.
Ramses staples some unrecognizable dead animal to Zev’s head
to portray the illusion of long blond hair.
Zev stands up revealing his pantyhose, high heals, and
garter belt.
Ramses takes the boob controller and ties it first over the
back of Zev’s neck then underneath his armpits and around
his back.
Zev tries to tuck his zombie junk up between his legs but it
snaps off in a small cloud of dust.
He sets his now detached pecker down on the adjacent work
bench.
As if straight from a surreal version of a certain movie,
Zev stands in front of a camera that Ramses is operating,
revealing the weirdest and quite possibly most disturbing
androgynous vision in movie history.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The upstairs mates gaze down at Zev and Ramses in horror.
ALAN
Can we please fix this monstrosity
of a hole? Zev and Ramses the
Great director are getting creepier
by the day.
They nod in unison.
TAWNY
Vlad, when does your date get here?
VLAD
Sometime after sundown.
TAWNY
Okay. Just remind me to turn of
the security system.
REX
You’ll need the biometric
recognition remote.
As they converse with each other the roomies still stare at
Zev and Ramses goings on.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 76.
ALAN
How did you find time to make a
biometric lock?
REX
Duh, 210 IQ, you intellectual
hamster.
ALAN
At least my engineering feats have
real world application.
REX
You made a boob controller. Big
deal. Zev is now using it to act
out his hermaphroditic passion play
with Ramses.
TAWNY
Five bucks says this footage ends
up in Ramses porn library.
VLAD
What time is it?
ALAN
1800 hours on the button. Why?
VLAD
When is sunset?
ALAN
37 minutes.
REX
My god, is there not any inane
detail you’re not keenly aware of?
ALAN
No, especially regarding the ending
of a statement in a preposition.
REX
Well played.
Alan and Rex bump fists.
77.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - NIGHT
The flood lights illuminate the entire perimeter and the gun
turret swivels menacingly.
The only sound is of electric hum.
A shadowy humanoid figure flirts in and out of the motion
detector lights, tripping two of them.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Tawny sits eating guess what while watching Zev challenge
Alan to a match of Modern Warfare.
Vlad nervously fidgets while absentmindedly watching the
video game contest.
VLAD
Hey Tawny, did you...
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
The sound of automatic gunfire erupts from the front yard,
the obvious sign the turret has detected and is now
attempting to eradicate the threat.
ALAN
Vlad, when is your date supposed to
be here?
VLAD
No!
Zev, Tawny, and Alan look at one another in horror tinged
with guiltless humor.
Vlad dashes for the front door as Tawny works frantically
with the remote to turn off the security measures.
TAWNY
(yelling)
Rex, how the hell do you use this
remote?
REX
(o.s.)
Put your thumb on the black square
then push the red button when it
lights up.
Tawny tries frantically to make the remote work but to no
avail.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 78.
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
The turret is merrily firing away, still.
Vlad is still struggling to reach the front door, mostly
because he fell through the hole he made in the floor with
Rex’s shiny sword.
TAWNY
Rex, it’s not working.
REX
(o.s.)
Oh for the love of god.
The door to Rex’s room gets thrown open and in his hand is a
fully functioning RICCI.
ALAN
How the hell did you fix that?
Alan gets up off the couch to inspect the lighty thingy and
proceeds to fall in the hole whose rim Vlad now dangles
from.
ALAN
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Rex nonchalantly walks around the hole and grabs the remote
from Tawny.
As he presses the button and it starts flashing, he becomes
noticeably more nervous.
REX
Um, guys, I’d duck if I were you.
Rex throws himself on the floor, followed closely by Tawny
and Zev.
All three are essentially staring down at a maniacally
pissed off Alan.
With that a hail of automatic fire assaults the front of the
house, shattering every window, breaking anything fragile,
and destroying the television.
ALAN
What the hell did you do?
Rex conspicuously avoids eye contact.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 79.
REX
Though I admit nothing, I may have
put an oh shit feature on the
turret, rendering any biological
mass that emits heat a target.
The deadly shower of bullets continues.
ALAN
You blithering idiot.
REX
Hey, just because I forgot the
sequence to disable the unit
doesn’t make me an idiot.
ALAN
No, it makes you a moronic
simpleton with delusions of
adequacy.
TAWNY
Stop! When will the turret run out
of ammunition?
REX
You asked for 10,000 round
capacity, so I made it house
20,000. By my calculations, the
barrage should end in...3, 2, 1.
The turret finally goes silent.
The only sound that can be heard is of crinkling glass,
groaning and splintered wood, and the low hum of a turret
winding down.
Rex helps Alan and Vlad up from the hole.
As Zev stands up it becomes obvious his once good arm was
obliterated during the siege.
Tawny grabs the remote and disables the security measures.
Everyone stares at her as if to ask, "Why?"
TAWNY
Claymores and IED’s, duh.
Ramses storms from his room in a huff, bullet holes make his
torso look like Swiss cheese.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 80.
RAMSES
What the hell are you doing?!
They all go outside while bickering among themselves
incoherently.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - NIGHT
The front yard is riddled with bullet holes as is the still
twitching body of Vlad’s would be date.
ALAN
Is that her?
VLAD
Yup, in her goth and emo tard
glory. She’s kinda hot.
REX
Was kind of hot. Now she’s half
hot.
Rex looks around and finds nothing but blank stares of
derision.
ALAN
You’re like a hairy Bob Saget.
They all gaze upon the unwitting victim again.
RAMSES
What a rack too.
ALAN
Do you ever stop?
RAMSES
Nope.
With that the group, save Ramses, goes back in the bullet
riddled house.
Unbeknown to anyone, Ramses grabs the upper half of the
vampette’s torso and slinks back into the basement through
the outside entrance.
Zev may have followed but won’t admit to anything on direct
examination.
81.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Birds chirp an idyllic refrain as a beautiful Colorado
summer morning unfolds.
Tawny is loading heaps of sand from under the bathroom
window into a wheelbarrow and toting them into the back
yard.
The faint outline of a high net loosely strung between two
metal poles can be seen over the fence, the unmistakable
sign of a beach volleyball pit under construction.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - KITCHEN
Alan pours a generous amount of milk on his cereal as Rex
watches attentively, occasionally jotting notes onto his
clipboard.
Tawny walks in from the back yard, her feet covered in sand.
TAWNY
Oh, Fruit Loops. Yummy.
She heaps nearly a whole box of colorful O’s into a bowl,
followed closely by half a gallon of milk.
Alan stares in horror as she tracks Ramses seed around the
house.
Rex makes a few notes as Tawny goes upstairs to her room.
Alan finishes his breakfast in silence, rinses his bowl in
ritualistic fashion, then goes out to the garage.
Rex smirks to himself then gets a pint of fake blood out of
the fridge, then goes to the living room.
ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Vlad is immersed in video game euphoria...shocker...as Rex
puts a bottle of synthetic blood in the now mildly annoyed
vampire’s face.
VLAD
I was in the middle of killing
zombies ya bastard!
REX
I guess you’re not interested in
the new formula.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 82.
Vlad eagerly snatches the bottle from Rex’s mitt and drinks
it fast but spits it out all over the solid wood floors
almost immediately.
VLAD
Tastes like V8! You made synthetic
blood taste like vegetable
juice. You philistine!
REX
But you hate the taste.
VLAD
No. I can’t stand the sight of it
but I have found that blood is
exquisitely delicious.
A small robot emerges from some undisclosed location and
begins cleaning the juice off the floor.
REX
Wait. You feint at the sight of
blood yet you think it’s tasty?
VLAD
Actually it’s orgasmically
yummy. Why else would I subject
myself to the purgatory that is
working at a blood bank for the
last few years?
REX
You’re the worst vampire ever.
VLAD
Thus spake the werewolf who’s
afraid of the vacuum.
REX
Touche.
Alan walks in the front door in unusual fashion...without
his customary ritualistic unlocking phase and he’s naked
carrying a living gnome up side down by the hat, like an
over sized ice cream cone, of which he licks in glee.
The poor little gnome’s feet are flailing wildly.
GNOME
PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!
With a look of content, Alan goes to the mud room and into
the garage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 83.
Ramses enters the living room with a copy of Showgirls in
one hand, 9 1/2 Weeks in the other.
RAMSES
Which one should I watch?
REX
Remember the boob coefficient I
taught you.
RAMSES
How did it go again?
VLAD
My god, even I remember that proof,
it governs my game choice half the
time. The boob coefficient states
that any movie watched specifically
for masturbatory value is to be
judged by three factors of equal
importance...hotness quotient of
the actresses, length of scenes
depicting nudity, and notoriety of
the talent. I do think production
value should factor in as well.
REX
In all honesty, the proof does need
work, call it a fluid theory.
VLAD
An unfortunate choice of words
given the circumstances.
RAMSES
Focus gentlemen. This is an
important decision.
VLAD
This basically boils down to a
choice between the Elizabeth
Berkley/Gina Gershon duo versus Kim
Bassinger.
REX
Don’t forget the specter of
reaching the moment of emission
fruition while Mickey Rourke is on
screen.
RAMSES
So, Berkley/Gershon versus
Bassinger...Mickey
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 84.
RAMSES (cont’d)
Rourke...ewwwww...lesbianism...yummy...Showgirls
it is!
VLAD
Glad we could help.
Ramses strolls off to his room and closes the door...SLAM.
Vlad begins rubbing his eyes in pain.
VLAD
Oh god. My eyes hurt, burn like
fire.
As his hands lower it’s clear Vlad’s eyes are fused shut
from massive boils on his eyelids.
Vlad reaches for his his butt as another area of discomfort
becomes overwhelming.
VLAD
Arggggh, my tail bone, it’s
growing! What’s happening to me?!
Rex jots down notes feverishly as Vlad begins writhing on
the ground.
Zev walks in from the kitchen.
ZEV
Hey guys? Why is Tawny in the back
yard talking to a tree? She’s half
naked too!
SLAM...THUMP THUMP THUmp THUmp THump THump Thump Thump thump
thump thump thump...
Dust billows up from the floor and Rex’s fur sways as the
turbulence from Ramses’ mad dash toward the back yard,
ostensibly to ogle the undeniably hot Tawny’s goodies.
ZEV
What the hell was that?
VLAD
Ramses.
REX
Ramses.
ZEV
Ahhhh. Shoulda known. Perv.
85.
ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - GARAGE
Alan walks into the garage and makes a b-line to his
engineering bench, all the while licking what from his
perspective is a giant ice cream cone but in reality is a
very displeased and frightened gnome.
Faced with a dilemma on where to put his yummy frozen
confection, Alan decides to build a specialized refrigerator
for giant cones.
He sets his ice cream down, only to see it magically spring
to life and run toward then out the little plastic floppy
opening for dogs cut into the garage door.
Alan presses the interior button to open the garage door.
As his eyes acclimate to the increased flood of daylight,
Alan can make out what he believes to be a prismatic dragon
napping lazily in the driveway, but in reality is Tawny’s
Bradly IFV covered in Post-It tabs of varying colors.
Alan freezes in his tracks in mortal fear.
ALAN
For every problem, there is a
solution, for every problem, there
is a solution...
ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The din of clanging metal echoes through the living room.
Rex, Zev, and Vlad watch as Alan walks back downstairs in
full plate armor carrying a katana in one hand and a rather
long lance in the other.
Alan stops, assumes a cliche hero pose, and addresses the
now visibly amused trio.
ALAN
You may want to chronicle this for
posterity.
The would be knight strolls out the front door with uncanny
panache and flair, totally ignorant of his own door ritual.
Rex scribbles notes on his clip board.
VLAD
What are you doing Rex?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 86.
REX
This is part of an experiment. I
may have made a batch of home made
LSD and I needed test subjects but
I’ll admit nothing on direct
examination. I knew nobody would
volunteer, so...
VLAD
Wait. So was the blood substitute
part of the experiment?
REX
Yes. Call it retribution.
VLAD
Why? What’d I do?
REX
You broke my shiny sword, you and
the bimbette currently tree
whispering in back yard.
VLAD
Oh. Suppose we deserve it. But
why Alan?
REX
Nobody out engineers me, and if I’m
being honest his boob video game
controller was genius.
ZEV
I hate to break up this tender
moment but currently we have an
afternoon’s entertainment at our
finger tips.
REX
I don’t follow.
ZEV
You sure can be stupid
sometimes. In the front yard we
have Alan jousting with a
Bradly. In the back we have a half
naked hottie talking to trees while
a horny mummy masturbates.
VLAD
Ohhhhhhh, you are a wise zombie
Zev. I like the way you think.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 87.
ZEV
I’m not done...on the roof we have
a sniper perch fully stocked with
binoculars and if I know Tawny,
beverages and plenty of junk food.
VLAD
On the roof?
Zev nods eagerly.
VLAD
Um, remember my ultraviolet ray
intolerance? I’ll burst into
flames inside of 15 minutes.
A massive furry claw shoves an umbrella in Vlad’s face and
opens it.
Vlad receives the obviously stolen from an outdoor eatery
canopy with a glad heart.
VLAD
TO THE ROOF!
ROOF OF ALAN’S HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
The now endlessly giddy trio is sipping liquid refreshments,
and judging from their now obviously slurred speech, it’s a
very potent mix.
REX
Twenty minutes in the jacuzzi says
Alan takes a header on his next
charge.
VLAD
I’ll take that bet.
All three refill their half empty glasses and watch
attentively.
As if on cue Alan rides his trusty steed, his newly repaired
mountain bike, headlong at the Bradly.
Halfway there he falls over on his side with a metallic
thud, betraying his stunning lack of motor coordination.
Zev, Rex, and Vlad laugh hysterically.
Alan retreats then mounts his steed and charges again, this
time finding his mark with the wooden lance.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 88.
Unfortunately, the lance being wood and the Bradly being
made of steel, the stick splinters into dozens of shards
with a distinctly wooden snap.
Alan is most displeased, much to the now maniacal amusement
of his mates laughing from their perch high above.
ALAN
You broke my lance. You shall rue
the day dragon.
Alan storms into the house while the roof gallery heckles
mercilessly.
VLAD
You’re the worst knight ever!
REX
The dragon hasn’t even been
scratched ya tard.
ZEV
Guys, Tawny took off her top.
All three focus their attention on Tawny with a snap of
their heads.
This last effort has destroyed what was left of Zev’s neck,
shattering it in a cloud of dust sending his head rolling
off the roof and into a flower bed.
Rex stands up on shaky legs then claps to get Ramses’
attention.
REX
Ramses, little help.
The now annoyed pharaoh sees Zev’s head laying barely three
feet to his right, face down in the dirt.
ZEV
Come on man! Be cool.
Ramses stops his masturbatory exhibition and grabs the
zombie head, tosses it up to the waiting lycan, then returns
to his yard work, so to speak.
REX
Thanks ya perv.
With his free hand Ramses flips Rex the middle finger salute
of salutation.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 89.
Vlad hands Rex a roll of duct tape which is used to secure
Zev’s head back on its moorings.
A scene played out before...a giant furry claw holds the
head in place while the other equally furry claw wraps the
head and neck in duct tape.
Satisfied with his handy work, Rex bites the tape and tears
the end.
Zev does the obligatory sturdiness and flexibility check,
testing his jaw, singing voice, and moving his head in
multiple directions.
ZEV
Thanks. Don’t mean to sound
ungrateful but where’s the staple
gun?
Rex points at the tree to Tawny’s left. At its base is the
gun in question and embedded in the bark of the tree are
hundreds of staples.
REX
Apparently she thought it was
trying to take her top off so she
tried to kill it.
ZEV
With a staple gun?! She has C4 in
her room. Why use an office
product?
VLAD
Probably a side effect of her acid
trip. She’s been trying to kill
garden gnomes and leprechauns for
hours.
From the front yard comes the unmistakable din of metal
pinging off metal.
Vlad, Rex, and Zev turn around to see Alan hacking away at
the Bradly with a katana, every stroke sending sparks
shooting in multiple directions.
As if a switch got flipped, Alan stops his attack, scans his
surroundings, then looks as if he formulated a plan.
The now self-assured knight retreats into the garage
followed by the sounds of metallic industry singing from the
open door.
Vlad & Co. turn their attention to Tawny.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 90.
She has been quite industrious!
In the middle of the back yard now stands an elaborate sand
fortress, complete with walls, towers, terraces, gates, and
gnomes and leprechauns manning the parapets.
Actually, judging from the copious amounts of linen bandages
tying up each gnome & leprechaun, it looks as if they’re not
voluntarily on duty.
Speaking of which...our intrepid Pharaoh is now gleefully
naked, his bandages now securing each gnome and leprechaun
to their stations.
Sand billows from his nether regions...the sicko.
His body is a frightening mish mash of scars, pot marks, and
signs of age. He is 3,000 years old. Wrinkles are an
afterthought.
With a herky jerky motion, Tawny begins to storm her sand
fortress, occasionally making a sound like a certain
Japanese icon of the cinema, complete with tail swipe and
red beams shooting from her eyes.
VLAD
She’s one scary bitch.
The gnomes and leprechauns beat a hasty retreat, obviously
far too frightened of a half naked brunette with red lasers
shooting death from her eyes to stand and fight or even
think about protesting their collective abductions.
From the driveway now issues a decidedly mechanical squeak.
Alan is dangling precariously from the end of an elaborate
arm constructed from what looks like a giant erector set of
Lego blocks.
ALAN
Death from above!
Alan hits a button from a controller in his hand.
With a sudden pop, the rigging holding him in mid air lets
go, sending the hapless nerd knight earthward and landing
with a thud on top of the Bradly.
The roof gallery explodes in uncontrollable laughter.
ALAN
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Alan slides off the vehicle and out of sight.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 91.
Undaunted, our fearless hero ascends the ladder he retrieved
from the garage, and fastens himself to the mechanical arm
again.
Remote in hand he rises into the sky, from his drug induced
perspective.
Meanwhile, Tawny begins chasing what she perceives to be
dozens of upside down ice cream cones that are animated and
running away from her.
As if a switch were flipped, Tawny stops dead in her tracks,
looks around in a puzzled way, sees a naked and far too
happy Ramses and the trio on the roof.
Another switch is flipped and she retreats into the garage.
A high pitched scream now emanates from the driveway.
ALAN
What the hell am I doing up
here?! Get me Down! Get me down
now!
Like a yoyo, Alan spins slowly at the end of his rope, an
odd yet accurate metaphor.
ALAN
You’d better get me down.
As he turns, Alan tries mightily to maintain eye contact
with the three drunkards on the roof, a completely futile
effort.
REX
Push the red button ya tard.
Alan sees the controller, follows the instructions in
question, and lands with a huge clang on the APC.
After a few seconds, the barely conscious warrior falls of
the truck and lands on the ground.
Much to Alan’s chagrin, he finds his entire body is now
laying on a huge network of cracks in the concrete of his
nana’s driveway.
With a screech, he bolts up to his feet and retreats inside
the house, carefully avoiding all the cracks.
Tawny is shoveling massive quantities of sand and
constructing an ideal beach volleyball pit.
Rex, Vlad, and Zev watch in amusement from the roof.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 92.
REX
What do you get when you cross a
nymphomaniac exhibitionist with a
short attention span and a
compulsively masturbating mummy?
VLAD
Beach volleyball.
ZEV
Gentlemen, shall we retire to the
kitchen?
Rex and Vlad look longingly at empty glasses.
VLAD
By all means. I’ve run out of
plasma.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - KITCHEN
The intoxicated trio is searching for liquid refreshments.
Alan appears with a scowl.
Tawny comes bounding in with much enthusiasm.
TAWNY
Hey guys, I’ve got a surprise for
you.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY - SUNNY
The roommates gather and gaze at Tawny’s creation, a
pristinely groomed and newly built beach volleyball arena.
Tawny runs up holding a new volleyball while Ramses stands
eagerly at the net, donning a striped referee shirt with a
whistle dangling from his neck.
ALAN
If you think I’m playing volleyball
on Ramses’ semen, you’re sadly
mistaken.
Tawny gets a look of murderous recognition on her
face. Either she’s sobering up or has reached an epiphany
as to the nature of Ramses’ granular emissions.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 93.
TAWNY
Wait. What?
ALAN
Ramses love dust, the silica at
your feet is the fruit of Ramses’
masturbatory gymnastics.
The drunken trio is now snickering uncontrollably.
TAWNY
You mean I’ve been tanning on
Ramses’ sperm...
ALAN
(interrupting)
For three months, yes.
The laughter in the background grows with every syllable.
TAWNY
What are all these gnomes and
leprechauns doing tied up?
Ramses grows a bit nervous as does Rex.
Vlad and Zev are now beside themselves with laughter.
Tawny begins licking the roof of her mouth in disgust out of
which she pulls a very short and very curly hair.
Alan seems to have the same affliction.
This is too much. Zev and Vlad loose what was the last
vestige of the tenuous grip on their composure...they
virtually explode with laughter.
Two gnomes give knowing winks to Tawny and a clearly
disturbed Alan.
ALAN
Is this a gnome hair?
REX
Yes. Your hallucinogenic trip made
you think that gnomes were giant
animated ice cream cones.
ALAN
That’s preposterous. I’m a man of
science. The odds of me succumbing
to...
Rex shoves a digital camera in Alan’s face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 94.
As Alan scans the images he has to stifle the urge to vomit.
ALAN
I was licking his...I was naked...I
was jousting...
Our nerd bolts to the bathroom and can be heard vomiting
profusely.
Tawny storms inside, only after giving Ramses, Rex, Vlad,
and Zev a glare that could scare death itself.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
Rex, Ramses, Vlad, and Zev are in the driveway removing the
post-its from the Bradley while Tawny maintains watch from
her roof perch.
Vlad is holding a giant umbrella in one hand and nervously
avoiding any contact with direct sunlight.
REX
Come on Tawny. It wasn’t my seed.
TAWNY
Who made the acid and spiked my
milk?
RAMSES
For the record, I’ve been very
candid about my masturbatory
habits.
A bullet hole erupts from the mummy’s chest, sending sand
everywhere.
Smoke trails from the muzzle of Tawny’s M4.
VLAD
(under his breath)
Dude, shut up. You’re going to get
us all shot.
TAWNY
What was that Vlad?
REX
(under his breath)
She’s like Amon Goeth.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 95.
TAWNY
What?
A bullet pings off the truck’s turret.
VLAD
Nothing. Could I get some sun
screen?
An arrow with a small tube attached suddenly embeds itself
in Zev’s chest.
Vlad grabs the tube and applies the contents, his much
needed vampire sun screen, it’s flame retardant as well.
VLAD
Thank you mistress.
Tawny tips her bush hat in recognition.
Zev scowls in disgust as he removes the arrow, along with a
large chunk of his rib cage.
ZEV
You’re such a wuss.
A hairy paw reaches over and rips off Zev’s right arm. Rex
uses the extension to retrieve some of the higher tabs.
ZEV
Really?!
REX
Shut it. I’ll fix it later. And
your ribs if you ask nicely.
ZEV
Meh.
A hatch opens next to Tawny as Alan brings her a bowl of
guess what for lunch.
ALAN
Hungry?
TAWNY
Thank you sweety.
The cleaning crew hits a lull, much to Tawny’s
dissatisfaction.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 96.
TAWNY
Any mythological being who doesn’t
want to get shot in the face had
better pick up the pace.
She piques with excitement.
TAWNY
Hey, that rhymed.
Meanwhile, in the driveway.
REX
Guys, can I ask you a
question. After we passed out
earlier, I had the strangest dream
and woke up next to Zev. I dreamed
a beautiful mermaid unzipped my
pants and masturbated me on a
beach.
VLAD
What a strange coincidence. I had
the same dream but it was Kate
Beckinsale from the Underworld
movies and I woke up next to Zev.
Zev starts looking very very very uneasy.
RAMSES
Zev, what’s wrong.
ZEV
I had a dream I was skiing.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - DAY - SUNNY
It’s picturesque. Blah blah blah.
A cardboard dummy pops up from the top of the Bradley and
the defense turret begins blasting the vehicle with gunfire.
A rocket propelled grenade flashes from an upstairs window
and destroys the turret.
REX
(o.s.)
Bitch!
97.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
SMASH! SMASH! CRACK! CRACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Ramses storms from his bedroom, clad in a housecoat, black
formal pants, and bright pink fuzzy bunny slippers.
He goes outside to see what the tumult is about.
Vlad plays video games in a state of Zen like meditative
bliss.
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY - SUNNY
Rex is in front wearing a wide brimmed sun bonnet and
wielding a sledge hammer.
The werewolf is turning the front walk into smithereens.
Ramses notices Alan’s entire stockpile of macaroni and
cheese is sitting in the street, the only path now all but
destroyed or a vast network of cracks to numerous to count.
Ramses chuckles and queries out of morbid curiosity.
RAMSES
What are you doing?
REX
Tough love.
RAMSES
You’re going about this the wrong
way.
Rex stops and leans on his hammer.
REX
Really? My 210 I.Q. would suggest
otherwise.
RAMSES
Fine. Enjoy your futile gesture.
Rex continues the demolition project.
He hooks small explosives to a detonator then retreats
behind the Bradley.
REX
(yelling)
Fire in the hole!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 98.
What’s left of the front curtilage, the sidewalk along the
street, explodes in a cloud of debris and smoke, breaking
several windows on the house.
TAWNY
(o.s. yelling)
What the hell was that?
ALAN
(o.s. yelling)
What in the name of sweet
Stephen Hawking?
Rex reemerges from behind the APC and goes to sit on the
pallet of Alan’s favorite food.
Alan exits the front door to see his food in the clutches of
his hairy roommate.
Tawny steps outside to figure out why her window is now
shattered.
TAWNY
Rex, did you break my window? If I
was naked I could’ve been hurt.
SLAM! STOMP STOMP STOMP...BOING!
Ramses is now sitting legs crossed in front of Tawny’s
bedroom window.
Tawny casually grabs her M4 and shoots Ramses in the back,
sending sand from the exit wound in Ramses’ chest billowing
in her window.
RAMSES
I’ll clean it up.
With that our horny Pharaoh dives in through the opening.
TAWNY
Damn it Ramses!
She goes inside in a huff, leaving Alan, who is now clearly
standing on multiple cement cracks, and Rex.
REX
Alan, look at your feet.
The nerd complies and becomes apoplectic seeing his feet
resting on a network of cracks.
He looks at the macaroni and cheese then back down at his
feet, rinse and repeat, twelve times.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 99.
ALAN
But it’s Wednesday. Macaroni and
cheese day, with Dr. Pepper.
Rex pulls a two liter bottle of Alan’s desired soda from
behind his back, pops the lid, and drinks heartily.
Alan repeats his gaze up-down ritual, becoming more up set
by the minute.
He steals furtive glances over his shoulder and discovers
retreat is not an option...too many cracks, not enough
Wednesday comfort food.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Zev and Vlad are watching from the window as tawny and
Ramses bicker upstairs.
TAWNY
(o.s.)
Why is there sand in my underwear
drawer?
RAMSES
(o.s.)
How should I know?
TAWNY
(o.s.)
Get out of my room!
RAMSES
(o.s.)
Make me!
BLAM BLAM BLAM...gun fire is heard from the direction of
Tawny’s room
Meanwhile, at the window.
VLAD
Dude, am I the only one that thinks
this is messed up.
ZEV
Sometimes extreme situations call
for extreme measures.
BLAM BLAM BLAM...more gunfire followed immediately by the
sight of Ramses body falling earthward in front of the
window and landing with a thud in the flower bed.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 100.
VLAD
Speaking of, how’s the eating
disorder thing going?
ZEV
Good.
Zev walks away, lifts his shirt, then grabs the rotted skin
that covers his stomach and rips it open.
His chest has been repaired with a huge zipper that now
bisects his upper torso.
The contents of his recent lunch spill down the hole into
the basement love pit.
Out of morbid curiosity, Vlad goes over to see what the pit
contains.
As if out of a nightmare, several small rodents, still very
much alive, lay there in a catatonic state.
One (GERBIL) shakes off his haze.
GERBIL
Help us, please!
The other gerbils have arisen and are clutching each other
instinctively for protection.
GERBIL
He’s a monster!
The furry creature now points at Zev, who looks mighty
guilty, by the way.
GERBIL
He shoved us up the wrong way, the
sadist!
EXT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY - SUNNY
Alan has a quarter and is flipping it up, catching it, then
slapping it down on the back of his hand.
ALAN
Damn! Heads.
Rex lays casually on the stacks of food stuffs.
Tawny comes outside and grabs a box then goes around back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 101.
ALAN
Tawny, can you grab me a b...
TAWNY
(interrupting)
Get it yourself Alan.
The very upset Alan looks at his surroundings again.
ALAN
Okzy, heads I go back inside and
blast Rex with a rocket
launcher. Tails, I brave the
cracks and eat, thus abating the
impending spell of low blood sugar.
REX
You’ve flipped that damn quarter
117 times already!
ALAN
Shush. Best 63 out of 124.
REX
For the love of Gordon Ramsey!
Rex tosses a box of macaroni & cheese barely five feet from
Alan.
The nerd is enticed and reaches for it, unaware of the fact
Rex attached it to a fishing pole and is reeling him in, so
to speak.
Though stressed beyond measure, our alpha geek will not be
fooled by such a ruse, especially one employed by a mortal
enemy.
Alan pulls a dog whistle from his pocket and shows it to
Rex, an obvious threat.
Rex brandishes a Zippo lighter and gas can then perches both
menacingly over Alan’s food.
We have the most surreal Mexican standoff in world history.
SLAM!
An irate Ramses blasts out the front door, and he doesn’t
look happy.
RAMSES
This stupid shit stops now!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 102.
This said, he bodily grabs Alan, throws him face first down
on the sidewalk, his nose inches from numerous cracks.
RAMSES
Why won’t you walk on cracks?
ALAN
They’re icky.
Ramses lifts Alan up then slams him face first into the
grass.
RAMSES
Why won’t you walk on grass.
ALAN
I can’t walk on anything but
pedestrian conveyances.
RAMSES
Why?
ALAN
I’m an obsessive compulsive, along
with a number of other isms and
phobias, most the product of
laugha...
Ramses lifts up Alan and slams him down on the sidewalk.
ALAN
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I fail to
see how your WWE histrionics are
helping in slightest...whoa
Ramses slams Alan into the grass.
ALAN
Little help here Rex.
REX
Are you suggesting I try to best a
clearly pissed off 3,000 year old
former god king. Hell
no. Besides, this is hilarious.
Tawny brings Rex a big bowl of macaroni and cheese, just
because she can, and if anything, it heightens the morbidity
of this learning activity.
RAMSES
Why won’t you walk on grass.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 103.
ALAN
I can’t walk on anything but
pedestrian conveyances.
RAMSES
Why?
ALAN
I’m an obsessive compulsive, along
with a number of other isms and
phobias, most the...
Ramses lifts up Alan and slams him down on the sidewalk.
ALAN
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I sill
fail to see how your channeling the
spirit of Andre The Giant is
helping in slightest.
Ramses slams Alan into the grass.
Rex is eating his bowl of mac & cheese. He seems surprised
as to its undeniable deliciousness.
RAMSES
Why won’t you walk on grass.
ALAN
I can’t walk on anything but
pedestrian conveyances. Thank you
Captain Redundancy.
RAMSES
Why?
ALAN
I’m an obsessive compulsive, along
with a number of other isms and
phobias...
Ramses lifts up Alan and slams him down on the sidewalk.
ALAN
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I may be
bleeding internally by now.
Ramses slams Alan into the grass and puts his knee in the
back of Alan’s neck.
RAMSES
(yelling)
Vlad, can you get my camera, the
SLR.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 104.
Tawny brings Rex another bowl then she goes back inside.
Vlad brings out Ramses’ camera and the Pharaoh begins
scanning the pictures.
ALAN
Down here you perverted bandage
boy.
Ramses casually plunks Alan in the ear with his middle
finger.
Satisfied he’s found the necessary pics, Ramses shows the
pinned Alan quite the pictorial.
ALAN
Is that Tawny?
RAMSES
Yup.
ALAN
And that’s what she looks like
naked?
RAMSES
Uh huh.
With surprising strength and quickness, Alan breaks the hold
from the mummy king, snatches the camera from his grip, then
peruses the images.
After a few seconds of this, our intrepid alpha geek stands
up, shakes Ramses’ hand, and bounds inside while stepping on
and thus ignoring every crack.
RAMSES
Boobs hath charms that sooth the
savage geek.
Alan returns and hands Rex a bottle of shampoo and a pill
bottle.
ALAN
Take two pills now, then one every
six hours for the next five
weeks. Use the shampoo once a day,
no more. Hope your fur grows back.
105.
INT. ALAN’S ANCESTRAL HOUSE - TAWNY’S ROOM
A dramatically different Alan kicks open Tawny’s bedroom
door.
He grabs the mac and cheese from her hands, throws it out
the window, and throws Tawny on her on the bed.
In one fluid motion, the nymphette finds her M4, clicks the
safety off, and fires several shots out the broken window.
RAMSES
(o.s.)
God damn it!
Alan undresses seductively, like he’s done it many times
before.
At this point, he hops up on the bed and between her legs,
brings out a bag of marshmallows and several large chocolate
bars, then pours everything all over Tawny.
He gazes in her eyes...
ALAN
Let’s make smores.
Rustling can be heard coming from outside the window.
With deft and practiced grace, Tawny unsheathes a handgun
from beneath her pillow then fires several shots out the
window.
RAMSES
(o.s.)
God damn it Tawny!
Ramses can be heard falling off the roof.
Tawny stares back in Alan’s lustful eyes.
TAWNY
Where were we?
REX
(o.s.)
Alan?!
With a huge thud The bedroom door is thrown open, revealing
a newly restored and fully lustrous pelt adorning our now
beaming lycan...he looks like a giant Pomeranian that got
stuck in a clothes dryer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 106.
REX
I look glorious!
THE END

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