The Good Book - Deluxe Edition

Published on May 2016 | Categories: Documents | Downloads: 26 | Comments: 0 | Views: 395
of 61
Download PDF   Embed   Report

Comments

Content

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -1-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Disclaimer:
Some of the works you will read in this collection contain material that may cause you to question the authors’ faiths. We would like to assure you that we have nothing but the utmost respect for and belief in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Bible – especially the part about that guy who lived in that whale. Did You Know?
Jonah was never actually said to inhabit a whale. The original Hebrew actually said he was “swallowed by a great fish” not a whale. But consider the source for Christ’s sake.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -2-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Fun Fact
Just in case you’re worried that your copy of The Good Book - Deluxe Edition is out of date please note that you may always find the most current version at: http://www.espionage-enterprises.com/TheGoodBook-DeluxeEdition.pdf

Disclaimer: ............................................................................................................... 2 Introduction ............................................................................................................ 5 World Domination Program ................................................................................. 6 Need More Help? .................................................................................................. 7 Expectations ........................................................................................................... 8 132 Easy Ways to Make Everyone Hate You ..................................................... 9 Aaarmagreenoe .................................................................................................. 15 Letter from a Former Teacher ............................................................................ 18 A Word from Jimmy – Part One: If You Don't Know… .................................... 19 Test One ................................................................................................................ 20 Cigarettes – By Charley Farmer ......................................................................... 23 Technology Mad Lib............................................................................................ 24 The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part One ..................................................... 24 Patient - Doctor .................................................................................................... 25 Depression Self Evaluation.................................................................................. 26 Voluntary Statement ........................................................................................... 27 Hotel Hell Word Search ....................................................................................... 28 Sprinkle Poops on Africa ..................................................................................... 29 The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part Two ...................................................... 30 The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part Three ................................................... 31 The Top 10 Reasons that People Hate Feces .................................................. 31 Espionage Enterprises Bumper Stickers............................................................. 32 Snakostomachor Presents: ................................................................................. 33 A Word from Jimmy – Part Two: What’s up with that Ass? ............................ 34 Suspicious Activity Report ................................................................................... 35 Nude Photos of Sprinkle the Dog ...................................................................... 36 Snakostomachor Presents: The Farmer in The Dell.......................................... 38 A Sincere Letter to Meet the Perfect Mate, Inc.............................................. 39 Professional Response from Potato Land U.S.A............................................... 40 A Voluntary Statement to the Police from Karl ............................................... 41 Pre Espionage Enterprises Quotes ..................................................................... 42 132 Brand New Ways to Make Everyone Hate You ....................................... 43 The Game With No Name – A Drinking Game ............................................... 49 Test Answers .......................................................................................................... 54 Document Version Control................................................................................. 54
Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -3-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Index ...................................................................................................................... 56

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -4-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Introduction
This handbook will help you ease into the new world with confidence, ease, and an understanding of the way things are going to be. The society of the world is about to change dramatically, and you are going to play a part in it. Since you have access to this book, you must be "in on all the fun!" If you are not authorized to view this book, you should stop reading now. If you continue past this page, our security forces will be alerted and you will be eliminated. There are many things in the world that are going to change and, if you want to join, there are a great number of things of which you should be aware. For example, now that you are about to enter this grand new society "at the top" you need to be aware of what race you are. Perhaps you do not know yet. This book will help you to understand. Maybe you don't know what day it is today. This book will make you understand. You need to know what to say when someone asks you a question as important as, "What are matches?" I can see how some of you may already be a bit confused. These jumbled phrases may seem like nonsense. This is not just a collection of "geetus1." It is very important to your future with us. For example: If someone approaches you and says, "Oh, God! These tacos are food!" You would respond, quite correctly, "I am not God. Only Dreyfus, Emperor W., and Captain Utah are God. Besides, tacos are good, and matches are food." Then you would proceed to murder them with a half eaten hot-dog (some exceptions apply). Now you may ask, "If only matches are food, why would someone be eating a hot-dog?" Well, this is where the truth comes in. Matches are not, as we all know, food - much less the only food. But you have to believe it with all your heart, or no one you brainwash will believe it either. Now you may very nervously ask, "BRAINWASH?!" and the answer is, with a very big smile and sinister laugh, "YES, BRAINWASH!"

1

See The Aaarmagreenoe

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -5-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

World Domination Program
Phase One "The Beginning of Mass Confusion" Here is the First step. 1. PRETEND NOT TO BE ASIAN. • • • Have a non Asian name that you go by. My "name", Utah, is quite obviously not of Asian origin. Have an American family that will claim you. We all have at least one family in the states that will claim we are "one of them", right? Ok, maybe not. Do not let anyone know that you are in a Chinese Street Gang of any kind. Much less THE Chinese Street Gang that intends to rule the world.

2. INSIST THAT IT'S TUESDAY. • In any situation, on any day, demand that everyone involved is in complete agreement that it is, in fact, a Tuesday. This will cause you to lose all credibility and no one will suspect a thing. It will also thoroughly confuse everyone with whom you come into contact. This is a good thing.

3. ENFORCE OUR -BASE ONE- NUMBERING SYSTEM, WHICH IS BASED ON A 2. • In reality, we have a base ten numbering system. Everything we count, we count by tens. Make everyone count with a 2. That is to say you must make everyone count with only one number, that number being a two. At first we believed that this would be impossible. However, our researchers have discovered a way to successfully count to any number. This confusing solution to a brilliant way of disrupting the brain patterns of our victims is a closely guarded secret within the Empire. Our victims will not even be able to express that they have a base one numbering system because they only have a two. In fact, they will only be able to count by even numbers. For example, if someone we are controlling sees four cows, they could say, "Look! Two two cows!" or "Oh my! Two Cows twice!" If they saw three cows, they would literally be at a loss of words. They couldn't say, "Wow! Two cows and another one!" because they don't understand 'one'. They also couldn't say, "Gee, two and ½ of two cows!" because the symbol for half contains a symbol that means nothing to them.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -6-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Need More Help?
Now you’re on the path to becoming a good servant to the Empire. You’re starting to understand a few things that you thought were mindless geetus. There it is again! That word – what does it mean? Geetus is miscellaneous crap, but for this exercise it will be referred to as simply crap. This section will help you to understand one of the very complex additions that we have made to our language. They will all come to you very easily with just a bit of practice. Much of this book will be a textbook to help you learn the various rules that you must enforce as either an officer in our great military, a figurehead in our ever growing religion, or simply as a loyal citizen who just wants to have a good time – not to mention a safe and happy life. This section concentrates on a set of phrases that everyone should become familiar with – or at least have a copy available for quick reference. These phrases are statements that follow a certain pattern and play a part in the MEGA-BRAINWASH PARTY that we’re all so fond of. Each example is a simple rule in life and every rule has a meaning (or doesn’t). But the words in each statement may not be used in another statement in this exercise. As indicated earlier in this book (see Introduction) tacos are good and matches are food. Thus it cannot be said that tacos are food because they are not, in fact, food. This is true simply because the statement “tacos are food” follows the simple pattern that you may have already noticed: The first word has two syllables, the second word is any one syllable conjugation of the verb ‘to be’, such as are, is, were, and so on. Finally, the third word has one syllable and describes the first word. So let’s get started. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. Tacos are good. Lizards are stuck. Play-Doh is butt. Chickens are dead. Crayons are blue. Nugai is back. Drummers are gimps. Matches are food. Jesus is fake. Doggies are dumb. Fatties are ha. Michael is broke. Heavy is wrong. Donkeys are big. Faggots are gay. Tuesday is now. Numbers are two. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. Radde is drunk. Utah is real. Kevin is beds. Pennies ain’t. Dreyfus is god. Shiny is nice. Monkeys are free. Oatmeal is cum. Condoms are rude. Nazis are fun. Hitler is king. Julie is yuck. Duffy are suck. Junkies are shit. Fruitloops are here. Burgers are wet. Toilets are loud. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. Control is yay! Boobies are squish. Maxwell is Shay. Shayseph is Max. Asians R Us. Feces are guns. Leaky is dick. Poopy is warm. Sugar is jizz. Weasel is popt. Heiro is glyph. Elvis is trash. Satan is church. Nothing is poot. Niggaz iz wild. Smokerings are goat. Depends are great.

52.

Geetus is crap.

Now some of you may be thinking, “Gosh, some of these statements are rude!” I’ll simply state the obvious: No, condoms are rude. Now, if you have a problem with any of it, I hope you go cry like a faggoty little homo until you can get over this little with your morals we don’t have time for your crap. I hope you’ve grasped this concept because this is all of the explanation you’re getting.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -7-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Expectations
There are many expectations that we have of you. Things we encourage, discourage, like, dislike, etc. I will address several of these things here. World Domination – Hell yes! Dominate anything and everything you can. That’s what we’re here for people and we say go for it. Road Rage – This is this violent, offensive, and totally cool way to endanger other peoples’ lives while in the car. It’s a great stress reliever on long trips and you can kill a family of four while impressing a date! If someone cuts you off today let them know that you hate them!!! Break Smash – Breaking things, whether they belong to you or not (preferably not), has never been so much fun. All you have to do is get totally and completely wasted and go raise hell in a neighboring community. Hell, break your own community. Just as long as you avoid your fellow followers you’ll be just fine. Utahism – If you need a religion we have just the thing for you! Worship Utah, your Almighty Emperor Karl W. Blitzkrieg, and Dreyfus the Holy Dog in the craziest excuse for a Trinity you’ve ever heard of. If you haven’t joined up, and are ready to commit to the best religion ever created just go to a high ranking figurehead within Utahism and sign up TODAY! Cross-Dressing – Wearing clothes that belong to the opposite sex is greatly frowned upon in the empire. However, if you feel a great need to cross dress, or have been a transvestite already for more than seven working days, it is permitted. But, you must have written authorization from a command level officer within the great military, preferably commander or higher. Secretive Reconnaissance – If you want to spy on someone, more power to you. We have a great number of awards for excellent spies that you can achieve. Come see me, Captain Utah. I'm the head of imperial Intelligence. I'd be glad to set up an appointment with you, and I've always got plenty of sniper rifles for the kiddies. Extended Periods of Consciousness – Try not sleeping for a few weeks straight. It's a great trip, and it'll screw up you internal clock like you wouldn't believe! You've never experienced delirium until that 826th pot of coffee and your 18th case of HO-HOs. Just wait until stuff stops making sense! It's a hoot! If you get lucky, maybe it'll cause you to dance a jig in one of your many neighborhood Denny's locations. There are many things to look forward to in the days to come. Just remember who helped you to get there and pray to us every night. We don't have delusions of grandeur - just an-over developed sense of what's really freakin’ funny.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -8-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

132 Easy Ways to Make Everyone Hate You
1. Never sugarcoat the truth. 2. Go to the restroom, and then show everyone what a good job you did. 3. Make them applaud you for your efforts. 4. Tell your boss that donkeys don't have legs, and then ask, "So, how the hell do you walk?" 5. Carry around pictures of aborted fetuses. 6. Ask people to marry you: When they say no, threaten suicide. 7. Tell people that you're the second coming of Christ. 8. Show people you sculpture collection, but wait until they're in the room to tell them they're made from female discharge. 9. Introduce your eleven year old niece as 'The Best Piece of Ass You've Ever Had." 10. Always remember: Money is nothing, but getting kids hooked on crack, now that's power. 11. Insist at parties that you watch all your tapes of Ellen reruns. 12. Play invalids at chess and boast when you beat them. 13. Cane children when they act up. 14. Tell every child you see that there is no Santa Claus, and that their father is the devil. 15. Run, arms out-stretched to old people and scream, "Mom! Dad! I've searched so long!" 16. Kick people who are in wheelchairs. 17. Play with yourself on dates. 18. At dinner parties, help yourself to others' plates. 19. Attend church, and in the middle of the sermon scream, “The Lord Is A Monkey!" 20. Answer every question with, "I'm not falling for that one again." 21. Ask a priest if god would still love you if you killed babies. 22. Pick your ass before handshakes. 23. Knock on neighbor's doors and when you see the woman of the house, tell her husband that "you'd hit that shit again!" Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises -9-

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

24. Call yourself "Shorty." 25. Give house pets booze. 26. Ask women if you can "touch those." 27. A month before Christmas refuse to bathe. 28. Ask to piss or shit on your lover during intercourse. 29. Save money on diapers - Buy a litter box. 30. Introduce your ass as a separate entity. (Ex. "Hi, I'm John, and this is my anus, Bob.") 31. Stuff all dead relatives so they won't miss Thanksgiving Dinner. 32. Invite co-workers to Thanksgiving. 33. When someone finishes talking, say, "Is that right?" in an Australian accent. 34. Anytime you find yourself in disagreement, threaten to sue. 35. End all sentences with, “... you better lock all your doors and windows tonight, bitch." 36. Point your finger at strangers and laugh. When they ask what you're laughing at, laugh louder. 37. Fake Tourette syndrome. 38. Tell your significant other that they're lucky to have you with looks like theirs. 39. Tell someone who's interested in you that they remind you of someone very special to you: Your dog, Beeny. 40. Make your motto: A Kick in the Ass is Kind of Like a Handshake. 41. Kiss peoples’ mothers and say, "Now that's the stuff!" 42. Invite people over for a "friendly game of cards." Then lock them in the cellar and sell them into slave labor. 43. Accuse retarded kids of "faking it." 44. Urinate in public. 45. Grab midgets and demand three wishes. 46. Develop an obsession with turds. 47. Talk frequently of dead monkeys. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 10 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition 48. Shove bottles up your ass. -- (You know who you are.) 49. Simulate masturbation with cats. 50. Remove your clothing at social gatherings. 51. Tell false endings to current movies. 52. Seduce a retard. 53. Call everyone "Negro." 54. Shave peoples' heads while they sleep. 55. Pay prostitutes to go to married peoples' houses. 56. Hire strippers for church gatherings. 57. Arrange your manger scenes in sexual positions. 58. Go to AA meetings with a two gallon bottle of vodka and announce that you're treating. 59. Pick your nose while saying, "Big money. Big Money. No whammies. STOP... on a booger." 60. Offer homeless people money for sex. 61. Laugh at funerals. 62. Try to bite your face and tell others to feel free to join in. 63. Slap your ass and act like a pony. 64. Slap the asses of co-workers and say, "Nice play!" 65. Spit when you talk. 66. Call people at random and tell them their mother died. 67. When people ask what you're doing, tell them, "Fucking a dog.", then ask,”Why? Do you wanna take its place?" 68. Act like a streetwise urban rapper. 69. Have a selective memory. 70. Hit on nuns. 71. Send the Pope nude photos of your mom. 72. Go to sperm banks with the sperm you've collected from bums and try to cash it in. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 11 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

73. Constantly remind your friends and family that cum and snot look similar. 74. Wet other peoples' beds. 75. Blame god for your gambling debts. 76. Never wear pants. 77. Remind people that although turds float, you cannot build a boat out of them. 78. Show people just how easy it is to choke on a chicken bone. 79. Give out soap disguised as little white chocolates to trick-or-treaters at Halloween. 80. Pee your pants. 81. Throw trash at oncoming traffic. 82. Spit at pregnant women. 83. Refuse to acknowledge your real name. (A'la Madonna) 84. Insult the local football teams quarterback. 85. Act like you're going to bum some change and then expose yourself. 86. Pretend to be Count Dracula. 87. Tell everyone that you're a prostitute. 88. Try to sell jewelers your priceless collection of butt-nuggets. 89. Teach small children profanity. 90. Ride your feeble minded grandpa like a donkey. 91. Donate all your money to charity and then declare bankruptcy. 92. Fake your death and show up at the funeral rites. 93. Accuse every Jew you see of killing Jesus. 94. Anytime anyone mentions cancer, laugh and say, "I love that joke!" 95. Tell people that the thing on their face is healing nicely. 96. Cry frequently and without warning. 97. Randomly punch people in the groin. 98. Tell everyone that you killed Kennedy. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 12 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

99. Have your cake and eat it, too. 100. When your neighbor leaves, mow his yard. When he gets back, demand money for your services. 101. Refer to yourself in third person. 102. Remember, if it's on TV, it's got to be real. 103. Call 911 daily with reports of alien sightings. 104. Wear a tuxedo to trailer park parties. 105. Brag about your celebrity turd collection. 106. Show off your new coat made of newborn baby kittens. 107. Bring along your sock puppet to important meetings. 108. Tell people you wrote this book. 109. Force yourself to vomit when fat people eat around you. 110. Liquor tastes better than water anyway so hey, drink up. 111. Remember, even your own mother could be a Russian spy. 112. Repeatedly call the job you want and ask if anyone has died yet. 113. Tell everyone that the secret sauce is made of blood and cum. 114. Postdate all checks for the year 3002. 115. Don't finish your sentences. 116. Put trash in that place behind the 117. Tell drug addicts that rehab is for quitters. How do they expect to get ahead if they're always quitting! 118. Give fruitcakes for birthday presents. 119. Tell old people that Marilyn Manson is kind of like this generation's version of Elvis. 120. Pass out church flyers at the local bar scene. 121. Become a Southern Baptist. 122. Change your name to Hitler. 123. Remind those you know that pimpin' ain't easy. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 13 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

124. Try your hardest to be excited about everything you see. 125. Use turds as paperweights. 126. Have a sample of your urine with you at all times. Hey, you never know when you just might need it. 127. Claim every piece of land you come upon in the name of the Queen and the Mother England. 128. Get a flying penis tattooed on your forehead. 129. Two to three times daily call suicide hotlines and fake suicides. 130. Sing only the chorus to every song on the radio. 131. Develop a love triangle between a monkey and a donkey. 132. Tell everyone that they just might be the bastard son of Larry, Moe, or Curly.

Brought to you by the Great Lord Zmolik

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 14 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Aaarmagreenoe
1. AAARMAGREENOE--AN UNALFABATED, NUMERICAL DICTIONARY 2. ALFABATE--TO HAVE SOME SEMBLANCE OF ALPHABETICAL ORDER 3. LAVATE--TO LAVA LAMP 4. AUDIOLAVATE--TO MAKE THE NOISE OF A LAVA LAMP IF A LAVA LAMP MADE NOISE 5. GEETUS--MISCELLANEOUS CRAP 6. GEETI--MISCELLANEOUS CRAPS 7. GYTUS--VIOLENT MISCELLANEOUS CRAP 8. GYTI--VIOLENT MISCELLANEOUS CRAPS 9. FURRY--HOW YOUR VISION GETS AFTER YOU HAVE MO' FOTIES THAN YOU HAVE BRAIN CELLS 10. MRS. LUCE--THE DEVIL, BEELZEBUB, SATAN, THE ARCHFIEND, MOLOCH, LUCIFER, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, ETC. 11. JOSH--ASEXUAL BUM; THE FIGURE HEAD OF THE DEOCRACY HAS NO REAL POWER JUST LOOKS CUTE 12. PRINCESS--THE POLITE WAY TO SAY 'SNATCH' 13. PINK--WHEN EVERYTHING IS PERFECT; SATURDAY 14. BROWN--WHEN NOTHING IS EVEN NEAR DECENT; SUNDAY-FRIDAY 15. RHODE ISLAND--THE HOME OF THE DUMBEST PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES;POPULATION EIGHT 16. RHODE ISLANDER--SOMEONE FROM RHODE ISLAND OR SO OVERLY STUPID THEY OUGHT TO BE FROM RHODE ISLAND; SEE ALSO POSTHUMOUS 17. NECROPHILLIAC--SOMEONE WITH THE ABILITY TO FIND DIRT CHEAP HOOKERS 18. WIDDLE STICK--THE OFFENSIVE TERM FOR THE MALE GENITALIA 19. ROLLERRECTUMUS--TO ROLL END OVER END INTO TO ONES OWN RECTUM 20. SEVENTH GRADER--SOMEONE WHO HAS THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEING CHEAP AND EASY 21. ADHEEZ--TO STICK SOMETHING TO SOMETHING ELSE 22. FELCH--TO DRINK YOUR OWN BODILY FLUIDS FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY ORIFICE; I.E. THE PRINCESS 23. SNOBALL--TO HAVE YOUR OWN GIZ SPIT BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH AFTERWARDS DURING KISSING 24. NOITAZINAGRO--UNORGANIZED LETTERS 25. EZRA--A PRETTY CRAPPY GUY HENCE THE TALENT OR LACK THERE OF DISPLAYED IN BETTER THAN EZRA 26. JULY 5th--THE WACKIEST DAY AND NIGHT IN ALL OF HISTORY; SHOULD REPLACE JULY 4th AS A NATIONAL HOLIDAY 27. KATHRINE--ANY NONSPECIFIC, ANNOYING SLUT; FORKED JOSH 28. FORKING--THE ACT OF USING A PARTICULAR UTENSIL IN POKING SOMEONE; EXAMPLE: JOSH AIN'T FORKING NOBODY 29. FO ROKZ--THE ANSWER THAT ANY CRACK HEAD WILL GIVE TO ANY QUESTION 30. TWO--THE NUMBER OF FINGERS HELD UP WHILE SAYING 'FO ROKZ' 31. PSST--THE NAME OF ANY WAITRESS AT DENNY'S 32. MIDGET--A SHORT PERSON WHO HAS A VIOLENT REACTION TO THE WORD 'PENIS', AND DOESN'T LIKE BEING REFERRED TO AS A SMALL CHILD 33. THE SMACK KIT--ANYTHING THAT PERTAINS TO SMACK FOUND IN THE GARDEN RIDGE PARKING LOT 34. ANAL CHRISTIAN--ANY MEMBER OF THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH WHO HAS A CROSS FIRMLY LODGED UP THEIR ASS 35. BENKENDORFER--SOMEONE TRYING TO SPEAK ANY WORD OR WORDS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHILE YAWNING AND INEVITABLY ENDS UP SPEAKING HEBREW Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 15 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition 36. PUPEERAPITUG--SOMEONE WHO IS UNABLE TO SPEAK THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY 37. PUPEE--SHORT FOR PUPEERAPITUG 38. DICKENSTUFF--THE ADJECTIVE USED TO DESCRIBE THE POSITION YOU ARE IN WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR WIDDLE STICK IN SOMEONE'S PRINCESS 39. TENDER PARTS--ANY OF EITHER SEX'S GENITALIA; I.E. BITE CHEW SUCK AWAY THE TENDER PARTS trent reznor 40. URINELUCK--WHEN YOU HIT THE TOILET WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED 41. ICKIOSHUTAHMcSHMOOUIWHUIE - Kevin Wilson (sic) 42. CHILDREN OF THE KORN--A BUNCH OF BRAIN DEAD, DRUG ADDICTED, SOON TO BE DROP-OUT, CLONES 43. CYANOACRYLATE--SOME STICKY SHIT 44. MO PEEZ--IT IS WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU NEED MO PEEZ FO YO RECTAL CABBAGE 45. POSTHUMOUS--STUPID ENOUGH TO BE WISHED DEAD BY YOUR LOVED ONES; SEE ALSO MAX 46. POSTHUMIDITY--ACTING STUPID ENOUGH TO BE WISHED DEAD BY YOUR LOVED ONES 47. HOLY WATER--FIND A CONTAINER THAT CAN HOLD AT LEAST A GALLON OF FLUID THEN YOU GET 4 CUPS OF 100% CRAN-APPLE JUICE COMBINE THAT WITH 4 CUPS OF ANY OTHER FLAVOR OF 100% JUICE MIX WELL THEN COMBINE 4 CUPS OF SUGAR MIX WELL THEN ADD 1 HALF A TEASPOON OF YEAST MIX WELL THEN CAP CONTAINER WITH A BALLOON THEN LET SET FOR APPROXIMATELY THREE WEEKS OR UNTIL THE BALLOON HAS RISEN AND THEN FALLEN; KEEPS AWAY THE DEMONS AND PREACHER'S KID/KIDS 48. PREACHER'S KID/KIDS--THE MOST EVIL BEING OR BEINGS ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH; SEE ALSO POOKIE 49. POOKIE--THE BEST WRITER ALIVE OR DEAD NOT THAT HE IS DEAD, COMPULSIVE LIAR, THE OTHER HALF OF THE POWER OF THE DEOCRACY; SEE ALSO PREACHER'S KID/KIDS 50. OVERCAFFINATE--TO OVERDOSE ON A CAFFINATED BEVERAGE; I.E. ESPRESSO; SEE ALSO POOKIE 51. AL KIEN UMPA ERN KOIL AL FERIN--LITERALLY TRANSLATED FROM ICELANDIC MEANS 'YOUR KITCHEN TABLE IS RAPING YOUR DOG'; THE FINAL SEE ALSO POOKIE 52. MAX--1. THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER BE OSTRACIZED FROM THE UNITED STATES TO DENNY'S AS PUNISHMENT FOR DOING THE DEED WITH A PARTICULAR SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS. 2. THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF STUPIDITY 53. KYLEE--A PARTICULAR SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS 54. EEP OPP ORK--THE UNIVERSAL WAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU; VIA THE JETSONS 55. INSTAPEE--ONE OF THOSE SQUEEZY DRINKS THAT YOU HAVE TO FORK WITH A STRAW; I.E. CAPRI SUN 56. GTGTBV--THE WORD THAT MANIFEST FROM PASSING OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR MONITOR 57. CROTCHWATER--URINE OR LEMONADE 58. POMPARE--THE LANGUAGE YOU SPEAK WHEN YOU GET AS DRUNK AS LOU REED 59. "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER"--WHAT YOU SAY TO A LOST CHILD YOU SEE AT ANY CROWDED MALL, AMUSEMENT PARK, ETC. 60. ZIMBABWEAN JEW--THE MOST OFFENSIVE, INCLUSIVE RACIST STATEMENT 61. UNANIMOUS--A VOTE THAT INCLUDES EVERYONE BUT ONE MEMBER; SUCH AS A 2/3'S, 3/4'S, 4/5'S, 5/6'S VOTE, ETC.; EXCEPT ? WHEN THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE THE TWO KNIFE FIGHT TO THE DEATH WHO EVER WINS GETS THEIR WAY 62. -TH MOST USLSS KY ON TH KYBOARD 63. KELLYE--THE MOST USELESS PIECE OF DRUG ADDICTED SHIT TO EVER WALK THE EARTH 64. CALLIPYGOUS--HAVING WELL ROUNDED BUTTOCKS 65. CALLIPYGIAN--SOMEONE WHO IS CHARACTERIZED BY HAVING WELL ROUNDED BUTTOCKS, SUCH AS APHRODITE 66. CUNNILUNGATE--TO EAT THE PRINCESS Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 16 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition 67. THE HOLIEST OF HOLIES--THE RELIGIOUS WAY TO SAY PRINCESS 68. UNOUWANNASTEPONME--THOSE FRAYED EDGES ON THE BOTTOMS OF THE PANTS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE TENDENCY TO STEP ON THEIR PANTS 69. THE WARM PLACE--THE INSTRUMENTAL WAY TO SAY PRINCESS 70. SUBTERFUGE--ARTIFICE USED TO EVADE A RULE OR CONSEQUENCE 71. MALAPROPISM--TO MAKE HABIT OF MISUSING WORDS 72. MALAPROPIST--SOMEONE WHO TRIES TO ACT INTELLIGENT AND UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM OR HER IS MAKING A HABIT OF MISUSING A WORD OR PHASE; SEE ALSO POSTHUMOUS 73. DEPILATORY--ABLE TO REMOVE HAIR; EXAMPLE: THAT GIRL NEEDS A DEPILATORY TO GET RID OF THAT FUCKING MUSTACHE 74. DEPAUPERATE--FLAWED FROM BIRTH OR CONCEPTION; SUCH AS BRENDA 75. DIATRIBE--ANYTHING YOUR PARENTS SAY 76. OBSEQUIOUS--SOMEONE WHO IS SO NICE YOU JUST WANT TO STRANGLE THEM UNTIL THEIR HEAD TURNS BLUE AND BLOOD IS RUNNING OUT THEIR GOD DAMN EARS 77. ERECTION FACE--THE LOOK ON A WOMEN'S FACE WHEN SHE IS OR IS GETTING HORNY 78. JUNTA--A SMALL GROUP OF RADICAL PTA MEMBERS PLANNING TO OVERTHROW THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT 79. ZAXAFONE--THE INSTRUMENT THAT YOUR NOSE BECOMES WHEN IT IS DOING THAT INFERNAL WHISTLING NOISE 80. ZAXAFONER--SOMEONE WHO INSIST THAT THIS WHISTLING IS A FORM OF MUSIC AND ALSO INSISTS UPON PLAYING IT AND CALLING HIM OR HERSELF A MUSICIAN OR AN ARTIST 81. FREAK--ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS DEFINITION NUMBER 43 82. KAKISTOCRACY--GOVERNED BY THE WORST PEOPLE IN SOCIETY; SUCH AS POTEET HIGH SCHOOL 83. OCHLOCRACY--GOVERNED BY THE MOB; SUCH AS THE CATHOLIC CHURCH 84. DEOCRACY--GOVERNED BY JOHN, JOSH, AND POOKIE 85. KRISTINA--SOMEONE WITH THE BODY OF A SENIOR AND THE "GOTTA FIT IN" MIND OF AN EIGHTH GRADER 86. RAISIN BRAZY--THE PERFECT ADJECTIVE, HAS NO REAL MEANING 87. AMBER2--AT ALL TIMES 88. DEMONSTRATING--WHAT BABE IS DOING WHEN BABE IS ON THE RAG, CANALSO BE USED AS A TERM FOR ANY FEMALE; CAN REPLACE THE WORD MENSTRUATING 89. JOHN--INSUBORDINATE ASSHOLE; THE OTHER HALF OF THE POWER IN THE DEOCRACY 90. ACEKERNOLEDGE--KNOWLEDGE OF THE MOST USELESS NATURE 91. POLYNECROPEDOBEASTADEOPHILIAC--SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MANY DEAD YOUNG BEAST GODS 92. ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIAN--SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN ORGANIZED RELIGION 93. PREANTIPOLYNECROPEDOBEASTADEOPHILIAC--SOMEONE WHO LIVED BEFORE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MANY DEAD YOUNG BEAST GODS WERE FROWNED UPON 94. POSTANTIPOLYNECROPEDOBEASTADEOPHILIAC-- SOMEONE WHO LIVED AFTER SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MANY DEAD YOUNG BEAST GODS WERE FROWNED UPON 95. AAARMAGREEN--AN ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING A WORD, PHRASE, OR HUMILIATION OF A PERSON THAT IS WORTHY OF THE AAARMAGREENOE 96. RAZZ--TO POKE FUN AT 97. DEAFENING LIGHT--THE LIGHT THAT EMANATES FROM INSIDE THE REFRIGERATOR

2 The captain takes every opportunity available to explain that at Karl’s 2-day Thanksgiving party in 1997 upon being introduced to Amber on the front steps immediately had his hand taken by hers and placed into her mouth as she began to suck one or more of the fingers. See! He just did it again.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 17 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Letter from a Former Teacher

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 18 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

A Word from Jimmy – Part One: If You Don't Know… Get the Vid-Joe

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 19 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Test One
Name ______________________ Date ______________________ Period ______________________ Select the answer, bitch.3 1) Peaches are not the way to happiness – hamsters are because ________________. a) b) c) d) they’re peanuppered they’re fuzzy like peaches and you can scramble them like eggs they’re stuck they’re Asian

2) What race are you? a) b) c) d) Hispanic Asian Caucasian Black

3) “Faking it” is something you accuse ________________ of. a) b) c) d) Jesus retarded kids dead folks all of the above

4) There are ________________ easy ways to make everyone hate you. a) b) c) d) 11 240 5 132

5) The little black boy is in ________________. a) b) c) d) the princess Rhode Island a tuxedo the cellar

6) The complete definition of geetus is ________________. a) knowledge of the most useless nature b) miscellaneous crap

3

Answers can be found in the back of the book

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 20 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition c) the psychological state of being so completely tired, bored, apathetic and useless that you cannot gather enough willpower to turn off the television ¾ths of the way through a kung-fu movie at 3:30 in the morning d) anything your parents say 7) 2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2 = ________________. a) b) c) d) Pupeerapitug 18 240 2

8) Today is ________________. a) b) c) d) Tuesday here Halloween poopy

Jesus Christ: International Terrorist Extraordinaire
Over the years, many different extremist groups have utilized threats, violence, and fear in order to obtain the things that they desire. These people try to scare the public into giving into their terrorist demands and doing what they're told. For years, no one really knew who had invented this brutal, yet effective, way of getting things done. After painstaking research and years of speculation, scientists have determined that Jesus Christ was, in fact, the world's very first terrorist. For centuries we have had to listen to close-minded, ignorant, Southern Baptist preachers scream at us that if we do not accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our savior we would burn in hell eternally. We now know, however, that this is simply not the case. What actually happens is that whether or not you ask Jesus into your heart, you will die at a previously undetermined date from any of a million reasons. After you die, you will be reincarnated by little, overweight, mongoloid scientists. The only reason that these doctors have Down's syndrome is because of their butts. They will then scream slurred, slobbering, heroine induced curse words until you die again. Jesus Christ, to this day, teaches people with mental retardation techniques similar to these. Fight back and DON'T give them your money. It will only help to facilitate the mass ignorance that has plagued our planet for over two thousand years! If someone approaches you with a cross, a pamphlet, a bible, or a bongo drum please, for your own sake: SPANK THEM MERCILESSLY. You will be doing the entire race a big favor. -Utah

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 21 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Fritatas

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 22 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Cigarettes – By Charley Farmer

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 23 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Technology Mad Lib
1. 3. 5. 7. 9. 11. 13. 15. 17. noun activity number person’s name action verb (-ing) exclamation plural food number another appliance

________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________

2. 4. 6. 8. 10. 12. 14. 16.

plural noun body part(s) adjective physical exercise appliance adjective plural appliance body part

________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________ ________________

In a world full of fast paced ________________ many ________________ do no have time to noun plural noun ________________ with their ________________ intact. Luckily, today’s world has activity body part(s) ________________ ways to speed up your ________________ day. For example, if number adjective ________________ does not have time to ________________ before ________________ the person’s name physical exercise action verb (-ing) ________________ can do it instead. You may say, “________________! That is appliance exclamation ________________!” but it should not surprise you because ________________ have been adjective plural food made by ________________ for ________________ years in a matter of seconds. So next plural appliance number time you stick your ________________ in a ________________ be ready for a holiday snack! body part another appliance

The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part One

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 24 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Patient - Doctor

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 25 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Depression Self Evaluation

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 26 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Voluntary Statement

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 27 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Hotel Hell
Once upon a time in a hotel called hell was a boy (a man, if you must) named Markscott. He took it upon himself to take a shit and rub it on the walls, throw the TV in the toilet, and break tons and tons of shit (pardon the pun) to the tune of 3,000 dollars. Everyone who was at this party (about forty people) had to pay money for this thing that they did not do - except, because he was out of town, Markscott. So to get back at this FUCK I took it upon myself to, while he was at a later party that I was at, mace him. My reasoning was to get back at him in a way that he would not forget (for, you see, he gets beat up all of the time, so he would forget about that. he's never been maced, so... ). I told this guy who was at this taco stand this story and he told me, straight faced, that I should have raped him. I said, "What did you say?" He said, "You should have raped him, he wouldn't forget that." I said, “Hey, I'm not into this prison justice. He said, "Hey, it works." I said, "Yeah, but I'd have to stick my dick in him, and I WOULDN'T FORGET THAT." He said, STRAIGHT FACED, "Yeah you would. After you cum you'd forget everything. EXCUSE ME I have came many times and still have complete recollection of what I was doing before said cumming. And if that was true I would not remember a good part of my 17th, 18th, and 19th years of my life. --Lord Zmolik

Hotel Hell Word Search
P A C I E O T E L I O T F Q B T A Y R X M Q M P N C P M R K M A R S C O T T U A F U E C F T C C T C Y N Y P C R A W H O K O K O Y J E R R Z K S D D Q Z Z F L S N B I Y S L E S Q M H N L H O T C Y M W O U G A T Z E A M K P A A K I H I K M Y H B E P C S S N F P O P G Z V G W A C I H I M D E C P T R J O N Y S D N O H M T L H J K A S H I T L T W S A U A L R N G W P Q K E I C E C R L P V Z K Q I U L C A L V E D L B F K E J U R X Q T D H D S E U T K G

ALCOHOL CUM MACED OWEMONEY TACOSTAND

ASSRAPE DICK MARSCOTT PARTY TOILET

BREAKSMASH HELL MOTEL SHIT WIPETURDS

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 28 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Sprinkle Poops on Africa

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 29 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part Two

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 30 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

The Little Black Boy in a Tuxedo – Part Three

The Top 10 Reasons that People Hate Feces
10. Even though it's as "made it yourself" as it gets, when you give it as a gift, people hate you! 9. When the toilet's colder than the feces - the feces steams! 8. Go to work covered in it and probably get fired! 7. When you can't make it to the toilet! Yuck! 6. The way it sneaks out when you think you're going to fart! 5. When the shit comes out hard and long it's gonna chase you like a schlong! 4. When crustified it's not a valid Monopoly game piece! 3. Put it in your mouth and get into all kinds of trouble! 2. You can't build a boat out of it - even though: 1. IT FLOATS!

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 31 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Espionage Enterprises Bumper Stickers

$ FREE Receive ONE free monkey anytime you receive ONE free monkey! $

$

FREE $ $10 $10 Redeemable for $10 AND any defective lizard at participating retailers. Lizards that are stuck.

$ 10

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 32 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Snakostomachor Presents: The Most Pitiful Excuse for a Football Game Ever

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 33 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

A Word from Jimmy – Part Two: What’s up with that Ass?

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 34 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Suspicious Activity Report

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 35 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Nude Photos of Sprinkle the Dog

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 36 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 37 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Snakostomachor Presents: The Farmer in The Dell

The Farmer in the Dell When I was in kindergarten my school was doing a stage show for the parents. All of the different grades had at least one performance to do. My afternoon class was doing something to the tune of "The Farmer in the Dell." For many weeks before the show we would practice in our classroom. Somehow, I was to be the "Farmer." The children held hands to make a large circle. I, the farmer, stood in the middle. The children walked around and around me and sang: The Farmer in the Dell The Farmer in the Dell Hi-Ho the Derry-O The Farmer in the Dell At this point it comes to a part in which the farmer picks his wife, and so on. Every time we practiced I invariably chose a classmate named Leigh to be my "wife." When the day of the performance came we went on stage, and I was scared. I hated being the center of attention. The song came to "The farmer picks his wife" and I pointed at my friend Neal. Everyone in the Cafeteria laughed at me that day. The Captain

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 38 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

A Sincere Letter to Meet the Perfect Mate, Inc.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 39 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Professional Response from Potato Land U.S.A.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 40 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

A Voluntary Statement to the Police from Karl

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 41 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Pre Espionage Enterprises Quotes
“…and then he just beat the hell out of Albertsons.” Referring to Nugai when, while visiting Albertsons as customers, Nugai just starting kicking and punching all of the merchandise, shelves, and end cap displays. “…and then Mike just ran all the way home.” Referring to an instance in which, after a mock confrontation with The Captain, Nugai simply took off running and went all the way home. “Bobbie Joe!!!” - Jake in Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn. Quoted frequently. “Can this one be Ash?” The Captain had a collection of small pets in his room in high school: Frogs, crabs, fish, etc. Lt. Nugai always wanted to name one of them “Ash” after Bruce Campbell’s character in The Evil Dead movie trilogy. The Captain always declined… until the final time Nugai posed the question with a tiny dead frog in his hands. That one became Ash. "Chekov is a Russian and he just can't say his "V's". Sulu is the pilot and he is a Japanese." An excerpt of a lengthy song written by The Captain and Lt. Nugai about Star Trek, its characters, and related subject matter. It was sung to the tune of “Damn this room is messy.” Apparently stated by The Captain in High School on countless occasions although he does not remember this. “Give me back my haaand!” –Ash in Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn. Quoted frequently. “Has it occurred to anyone that it’s just too cold for her to be a slut this time of year?“ Even in the winter months of 9495, our friend Leslie still found the guts to wear daisy dukes out in public. “Hey Leslie, are you aware that there are two inches of ass hanging out of your shorts?” See above. “Mocha Mocha!” Nugai and The Captain frequently bought half gallon containers of an Albertsons brand ice cream which had this name. It became an expression or exclamation. Circa 1995. "Nugai is this real strange guy that you don't Really Know. He shows up and fixes things and dies each episode." Similar to the "Chekov" song mentioned earlier, this song was introducing Lt. Nugai’s role on the proposed Espionage Enterprises Star Trek series in 1995. “Your New Potty” In High School The Captain and some friends were at the public library when he noticed a great book in the childrens’ section. It was entitled Your New Potty and a photocopy of the cover was promptly afxed to The Captain’s bedroom wall.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 42 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

132 Brand New Ways to Make Everyone Hate You
1. Treat them like they treat you. 2. Become a necrophiliac. 3. When someone says, "I love you," - vomit. 4. Tell people that you think their mom is hot - really hot! 5. Repeatedly ask your friends if they've gained weight. 6. Show co-workers nude photos of them, which are really just a picture of their head glued to a "nudie" picture out of a magazine. 7. Make people help you find that wart on your genitals. 8. Become a slam-poet. 9. Sell bottles of your urine marked as apple juice. 10. Spill coffee on things that people give you to read. 11. Start taking poops in places that aren't toilets. 12. Convert to Judaism. 13. Talk like Captain James T. Kirk of Star Trek. 14. Record your parents "doing it" then try to sell it to friends. 15. Buy a bullhorn and scream, "you're all going to die!" into it over and over and over. 16. Be a constant reminder to those around you that the world will end soon. 17. Wear a top hat. 18. Smoke lots of crack. 19. Become an avid N.W.O. fan. 20. Put LSD in the town's water supply. 21. Date your sister. 22. Fuck your dad up the ass and brag about "gettin' some." 23. When Regis and Kathy Lee comes on, tell the TV about how much you want to fuck it. 24. Become friends with Regis. 25. Date Richard Simmons. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 43 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

26. Have three of the same hat: a working hat, a going to town hat, and a back up hat in case the going to town hat gets dirty. 27. Bring up the fact that you're black into anything and everything you do. 28. Open a Jewish Deli. 29. Model your life after Josef Stalin's. 30. Wear one of those Gilligan hats. 31. Become an Elvis impersonator. 32. Show People your salami that looks just like Mel Tormé. 33. Talk frequently of your tour of duty in "'Nam." 34. Tell your dinner guest that you must go to the restroom then pee all over your plate. 35. Bite people when they prove you wrong. 36. Always leave you left turn signal on. 37. Brag about being Jewish. 38. Find the nearest old person and insist that he/she is your mother/father even if they keep feverishly denying it. 39. Boast to friends about hitting a guy 49 times before he even hit the ground. (You know, like you're tough or something.) 40. Eat the little blue disks they put in toilets. 41. Encourage others to eat the little blue disks they put in toilets. 42. Show everyone your fossilized turd you got at Glen Rose. 43. Insist that everyone salutes you, while letting them know that failure to do so will result in a kick in the nuts. 44. Let everyone know that you would have gotten that job if it weren't for that whole "necrophiliac thing." 45. Anytime anyone mentions their younger brother, chant "ass-pony ass-pony ass-pony" 'til you're blue in the face. 46. Tell the same 4 jokes to the same 3 people like they've never heard them before. 47. All I'm saying is that eventually turds are bound to replace money. I mean, what would you rather carry around: a bunch of hard to find dollars or some good old fashion easy to smell butt-nuggets? Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 44 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

48. Record an indie rock album. 49. Bring back the Batman dance. 50. Admit that Ricky Martin is your dad. 51. Own a Vanilla Ice album. 52. Club your feeble grandpa like a baby seal. 53. Join that Mormon movement that's sweeping the nation. 54. Work only 2 days a week and try your damnedest to get out of one of them. 55. Anytime someone mentions that you haven't bathed in weeks, roll around in the grass and mumble something about the JFK assassination. 56. Claim to be the reincarnation of the junkyard dog. 57. Hey, if you want to eat newborn babies, who's to stop you. 58. Give cheese logs as gifts. 59. Demand to have the title "Wild Eyed Ass Pounder" after your name, i.e. Jonny the Wild Eyed Ass Pounder. 60. You know what? FUCK YOU. 61. After having sex, start crying and say. "I should've told you about the syphilis, the herpes, the crabs, the gonorrhea, or at least the Liz. Can you ever forgive me? 62. The next time you get dumped go to their house and set yourself on fire, while screaming, "Look at what you've done to me!" 63. Claim affiliation with Espionage Enterprises. 64. Tell everyone that the key to happiness is hotdogs. 65. Threaten to drop your pants when things aren't going your way. 66. Remember, you might as well go for it. They're probably thinking the same thing anyway. 67. Join the Leonardo DiCaprio fan club. 68. Let everyone know that you're the one who makes it rain. 69. Write a list of say... 132 things and let people see it, knowing damn well that 60% of it only you'll get. 70. Put lawn furniture in your front lawn. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 45 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

71. Shit your pants every time someone talks to you. 72. When you're introduced to someone new say, "Oh shit! I think I fucked your mom." 73. Become President of the United States. 74. Try to convince everyone that Groucho Marx invented Communism. 75. Sell health insurance. 76. When walking past someone scream in their face. 77. 78. At least once a day stop to gather your thoughts by rubbing a stranger's genitalia. 79. Develop a phobia of yourself. 80. Ask fat girls when the baby is due. 81. Carry a basket of dead birds around. 82. Pelt people with dead birds every time the conversation slows. 83. Join a book club, but absolutely refuse, under any circumstances, to read. 84. Proclaim yourself the Dalai Lama of the stick people. 85. Stop violence by attacking every black man you see. 86. Go to a dance club and dance your cracker ass off. 87. When playing chess and defeat is inevitable knock over the board and accuse them of cheating. 88. Hell, while you're at it, accuse everyone of cheating. 89. Blame all of your bad luck on the fact that you haven't won the lottery. 90. Beat up girl scouts and stick all of their cookies down your pants. (All of them.) 91. Throw rocks at couples walking in the park and scream, "Why don't you go somewhere else, you fucking bunch of faggots!" 92. Tell your boss that you think his wife is a communist and you've almost got all the proof you need. 93. Advertise in the paper that you'll be performing free abortions at the local Dairy Queen. 94. Tell passers-by that Jesus loves them, then kick them in the shin. Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 46 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

95. F-words, F-words, F-words, F-words. 96. Tell people you're pooping on their face because their face needs a pooping. 97. At restaurants get up from your chair, take a couple of steps back, then jump on your dining guest (p.s. it helps if you're not dining alone) 98. Next time you see a cop confess to stealing a fluorescent orange crayon from the crayon box in the 3rd grade and demand to be taken to jail for it. 99. Show people your collection of buttons you got off the pants of all the old men you've beat up. 100. Call 911 and tell them you can't stop touching yourself, you know, "down there." 101. Anytime someone questions what you've told them, punch yourself. 102. Start a fan club based on yourself. 103. On Easter hide turds in the plastic eggs and act surprised when little kids start crying. 104. The next time a hunter tells you his wife is beautiful, stuff her and hang her on his wall. 105. Invite everyone you know over for a party then leave town. 106. Own a cell phone. 107. Talk on your cell phone in the mall, at the movies, in your car, at a restaurant, but never anywhere that there aren't people. 108. Frequently ask if it's your turn to "kill something." 109. Buy a gorilla suit. 110. Ask your friends if they want to watch a movie, then show them the home video of you masturbating in a gorilla suit. 111. When your friend tells you about his new girlfriend, proclaim, "What - That Skanky bitch? You sure she's not dead, if you know what I mean?" 112. What? You think that's a burrito? I've seen the biggest burrito in the world. 113. Did you know that in Canada hamburger pizzas are called meat pizzas? 114. Repeat numbers 112 and 113 to anyone who will actually talk to you. 115. Tell people that they look like teen wolf and when they say, "What? I look nothing like Michael J. Fox." say, "I know." 116. Next time you play monopoly try to put more than one hotel on a property. (you know, like that's legal, Max) Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 47 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

117. When calling someone, ask to speak with so and so, if they're not dead yet. i.e. "Can I speak to Sonny, if he's not dead yet, that is." 118. At your next company meeting, proclaim yourself King of the Donkey People, and fuck your donkey boss in his donkey ass. 119. No, I mean it: Fuck Regis Philbin. (Who wants an ass kicking? is that your final answer? is that right?) 120. On rainy days, take your Sunday School class to play near an electric fence. 121. Read incantations from the Goetia naked in your front yard. 122. Carry around a bag of yard clippings and chant, "Let's spark that shit up." 123. You know, I've heard that sheep are good fucking, if you're into that sort of thing. 124. Tell people that you're a psychology major so it's ok to pick your ass. 125. Call the FBI and tell them that everyone keeps saying your name. 126. Hey, you do know that the FBI's in on it, too. 127. Kick the rest of your Grandma's teeth out. That way she can get those new dentures. 128. Go to the emergency room for a paper cup. 129. Remember the 80's. 130. Napoleon - Now that's funny. 131. Metallica rules! 132. ...And lastly, turds, turds, turds.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 48 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition The Game With No Name – A Drinking Game

Rules – The Basics In The Game With No Name each player draws a card and based on the number or face on the card a particular action is performed. It is important to be proficient in the actions ascribed to each number or face because in many of the activities speed is a factor. Whoever loses the round must drink. The object of the game is to attempt to drink to least amount. Game play continues in a clockwise direction unless otherwise noted in a particular round.

Starting the Game 1. Take one deck of playing cards and ensure that they are shuffled adequately for game play. 2. Place the stack face down on the table or floor and spread them evenly into a circle such as the one shown in Figure A. 3. Explain to each player the activity that is performed with each card. 4. Determine which player is the first to draw a card.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 49 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition The Game With No Name – A Drinking Game

Card Definitions On each player's turn one card is drawn. The card is turned over on its back so all players may see it. The following definitions indicate what activity is performed for each card type.

2 . Player drinks two drinks.

3 . Player drinks three drinks

4 . Player distributes four drinks amongst the other players as he or she sees fit. All drinks can be issued to one player.

5 . Player distributes five drinks amongst the other players as he or she sees fit. All drinks can be issued to one player.

6 . Thumbs - Each player places his or her thumb on the table or floor depending on where the game is being played. The last player to do so drinks. The player drawing the 6 is now the thumb master and remains so until another 6 is drawn by another player. If the thumb master places his or her thumb on the table at any time during game play each player must still play thumbs. The last player to do so still drinks.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 50 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

7. Smiles - The first player to smile drinks regardless of whether or not he or she is aware of the activity being played.

8. Cheers - A toast is proposed and everyone drinks.

9. Rhyme - The player drawing the card will say a word, phrase, or sentence and moving in a clockwise order the next player must rhyme what the first player stated. The first player to fail to rhyme, regardless of whether or not he or she is aware of the activity being played, must drink. 10. Waterfall - The player drawing the card will begin to drink. The player to the left must begin drinking and continue drinking until the original player stops. The person to that players left must observe the same rule of this player. The cascading order of drinking cannot stop until the original player stops. The first person to stop drinking out of order must drink. Jack. The Name Game - The player drawing the card will say a name. The player to the left must say another name in which the first name begins with the same letter as the last name offered by the first player. The player to the left of that player must do the same thing. If a name offered by a player is an alliteration (first and last name begin with the same letter) the direction of play is reveres and the person who was to the left that did not yet say a name was skipped and must drink. Additionally, any name offered that is a single word (example: Cher) the game continues in the same direction but the player to the left must first drink before offering a name.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 51 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Queen. Questions - The player drawing the card will say question and moving in a clockwise order the next player must also pose a question. The first player to fail to ask a question, regardless of whether or not he or she is aware of the activity being played, must drink

King. Categories - The player drawing the card will say a word of his or her choice. The player to the left must say a word that he or she feels fits in the same category as the first word offered. The first player to state a word that clearly does not fit the category must drink.

Ace. New Rule! - The player drawing the card will create and impose a new rule that must be observed for the rest of the game unless specifically negated by another player later in the game drawing and Ace.

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 52 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 53 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Test Answers
Test One Answers 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) b) they’re fuzzy like peaches and you can scramble them like eggs b) Asian d) all of the above d) 132 c) a tuxedo b) miscellaneous crap d) 2 a) Tuesday

Technology Mad Libs Answers There are no correct answers for Mad Libs aside from ensuring that the correct part of speech is used. Hotel Hell Word Search Answers P T A M A R S C O T E L I O T E R B M P T T U A C R A K S S A S L Y M W O I H P O E C T O Y L S N O T A A S N M D E C M T L A U A C R E D D S L M K C I H O D T E E H W O S H I T E L

Document Version Control
Version 0.1 Still performing reconstruction of original book. Date Released 17-Dec-07 Revisions Made Added Hotel Hell and word search, Test One, Sprinkle Poops on Africa, Jesus Christ: International Terrorist Revisions Made By The Captain

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 54 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition Extraordinaire, Technology Mad Lib, Added bumper stickers, added coupons, added wasting ink, added cock the real thing, photos of sprinkles the dog, added quiz answers, added Snakostomachor with pitiful football, added meet the perfect mate and potatoland u.s.a., and several other shit things. Added The Game with No Name, add index

0.2

18-Dec-07

The Captain

0.3

20-Dec-07

The Captain

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 55 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Index
"Luke, I am your father.", 16 132 Easy Ways to Make Everyone Hate You, 9 3002, 13 911, 13, 48 AA meetings, 11 aaarmagreen, 17 aaarmagreenoe, 15, 17 aborted fetuses, 9 Acekernoledge, 17 act up, 9 adheez, 15 again, 7, 9, 21 al kien umpa ern koil al ferin, 16 alfabate, 15 alien, 13 Amber, 17 Anal Christian, 15 antidisestablishmentarian, 17 anus, 10 Asian, 6 Asians, 7 ass, 9, 10, 11, 43, 44, 45, 47, 49 audiolavate, 15 Australian accent, 10 babies, 9, 46 bankruptcy, 12 bar, 13 Base One Numbering System, 6 Base Ten Numbering System, 6 bathe, 10 beds, 7, 12 Beeny, 10 benkendorfer, 15 big, 5, 7, 21 birthday presents, 13 bitch, 10, 20, 48 bite, 11 blood, 13 boat, 12, 32 Bob, 10 boobies, 7 booger, 11 book, 5, 7, 13, 20, 43, 47, 55 booze, 10 boss, 9, 47, 49 bottles, 11, 44 Brainwash, 5, 7 break smash, 8 broke, 7 brown, 15 bums, 11 butt, 7, 12, 45 cake, 13 callipygian, 16 callipygous, 16 cancer, 12 cane, 9 cards, 10, 50 cash, 11 celebrity, 13 cellar, 10, 20 change, 5, 12 charity, 12 checks, 13 chess, 9, 47 chicken bone, 12 chickens, 7 child, 9 children, 9, 12, 39 children of the korn, 16 Chinese Street Gang, 6 choke, 12 chorus, 14 Christ, 2, 9, 21, 55 Christmas, 10 church, 7, 9, 11, 13 clothing, 11 coat, 13 coffee, 8, 44 confidence, 5 control, 7, 55

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 56 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

co-workers, 10, 11, 44 cows, 6 crack, 9, 44 crap, 7, 20, 55 crayons, 7 cross dressing, 8 crotchwater, 16 Cry, 12 cum, 7, 12, 13, 29 cunnilungate, 16 Curly, 14 cyanoacrylate, 16 date, 3, 8, 21 dead relatives, 10 deafening light, 17 delirium, 8 Denny's, 8 deocracy, 15, 16, 17 depauperate, 17 depends, 7 depilatory, 17 devil, 9 diapers, 10 diatribe, 17 dick, 7, 29 dickenstuff, 16 died, 11, 13 disagreement, 10 dog, 5, 10, 11, 46, 56 doggies, 7 donkey, 12, 14, 49 donkeys, 7 doors, 9, 10 Dracula, 12 Dreyfus, 5, 7, 8 drink, 13, 50, 52, 53 drug addicts, 13 drummers, 7 drunk, 7 dumb, 7 eat, 13, 45, 46 eep opp ork, 16 Ellen reruns, 9

Elvis, 7, 13, 45 Emperor Karl W. Blitzkrieg, 8 Emperor W, 5 Empire, 6, 7 England, 14 entity, 10 erection face, 17 expectations, 8 expose, 12 extended periods of consciousness, 8 Ezra, 15 face, 11, 12, 45, 47, 48, 50 faggots, 7 faggoty, 7 fake, 7, 14 faking it, 10 fat people, 13 father, 9, 45 fatties, 7 feces, 7, 32 feeble minded, 12 felch, 15 female discharge, 9 finger, 10 fish, 2 float, 12 flying penis, 14 fo rokz, 15 food, 5, 7, 24 football, 12, 56 forehead, 14 forking, 15 freak, 17 free, 7, 11, 33, 47 friends, 12, 43, 44, 45, 48 fruitcakes, 13 funeral, 12 funerals, 11 furry, 15 gambling debts, 12 Garden Ridge, 15 gay, 7

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 57 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

geeti, 15 geetus, 5, 7, 20 gimps, 7 glyph, 7 goat, 7 god, 7, 9, 12 God, 2, 5 good, 5, 6, 7, 9, 29, 45, 49 grandpa, 12, 46 great, 2, 5, 7, 8, 43 groin, 12 gtgtbv, 16 guns, 7 gytus, 15 ha, 7 Halloween, 12, 21 handbook, 5 handshakes, 9 heads, 11 healing, 12 heavy, 7 Hebrew, 2 heiro, 7 hell, 8, 9, 21, 29, 43 Hitler, 7, 13 HO-HOs, 8 Holy Bible, 2 holy water, 16 homeless people, 11 homo, 7 hot-dog, 5 hotlines, 14 house, 9, 10, 46 husband, 9 ickioshutahmcmoouiwhuie. See Ookiash Utah McShmooihooi imperial Intelligence, 8 instapee, 16 insult, 12 intercourse, 10 internal clock, 8 Introduction, 5 invalids, 9

Is that right?, 10 Jesus, 2, 7, 12, 20, 21, 47, 55 Jesus Christ, 2 jew, 12 jewelers, 12 jig, 8 jizz, 7 job, 9, 13, 45 John, 10, 17 joke, 12 Jonah, 2 Josh, 15, 17 July 5th, 15 junta, 17 kakistocracy, 17 Kathrine, 15 Kellye, 16 Kennedy, 12 Kevin, 7 kick, 9, 10, 49 kiddies, 8 kids, 9, 10, 20, 48 Kiss, 10 kittens, 13 Kristina, 17 Kylee, 16 language, 7 Larry, 14 laugh, 5, 10, 12 lava lamp, 15 lavate, 15 leaky, 7 liquor, 13 litter box, 10 little white chocolates, 12 lizards, 7, 33 lock, 10 looks, 10, 45 lord, 9, 14, 21, 29 love triangle, 14 lover, 10 lucky, 8, 10 malapropism, 17

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 58 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

malapropist, 17 manger, 11 Marilyn Manson, 13 marry, 9 masturbation, 11 matches, 5, 7 Max, 7, 16, 48 Maxwell, 7 meetings, 13 Michael, 7, 48 midget, 15 midgets, 10 military, 7, 8 mo peez, 16 Moe, 14 mom, 11, 44, 47 money, 9, 11 monkey, 14, 33 monkeys, 7 month, 10 mother, 11, 13, 45 motto, 10 movies, 11, 48 mow, 13 Mrs. Luce, 15 necrophilliac, 15 negro, 11 neighbor, 9, 13 nice, 7 niece, 9 niggaz, 7 noitazinagro, 15 nose, 11 nothing, 7 nude photos, 11, 44 Nugai, 7, 43 nuggets, 12, 45 numbers, 7 nuns, 11 oatmeal, 7 obsequious, 17 ochlocracy, 17 officer, 7, 8

old people, 9, 13 oncoming traffic, 12 overcaffinate, 16 pants, 12, 46, 47, 48 paperweights, 14 parties, 9, 13 Pee, 12 pennies, 7 pets, 10, 43 piece of ass, 9 pimpin', 13 pink, 15 piss, 10 plates, 9 play with yourself, 9 Play-Doh, 7 polynecropedobeastadeophiliac , 17 pompare, 16 pony, 11, 45 Pookie, 16, 17 poopy, 7 poot, 7 pope, 11 popt, 7 postantipolynecropedobeastade ophiliac, 17 Postdate, 13 posthumidity, 16 posthumous, 15, 16, 17 power, 8, 9 preacher's kids, 16 preantipolynecropedobeastadeo philiac, 17 pregnant women, 12 priest, 9 princess, 15, 16, 17 profanity, 12 prostitutes, 11 psst, 15 public, 10, 21, 43 punch, 12, 48 pupee, 16
Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 59 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

Pupeerapitug, 16 quarterback, 12 Queen, 14, 47, 53 quitters, 13 race, 5 Radde, 7 radio, 14 Raisin Brazy, 17 razz, 17 real, 7, 12, 13, 43, 56 rehab, 13 religion, 7, 8 remind, 10, 12 restroom, 9, 45 retard, 11 Rhode Island, 15 road rage, 8 rollerrectumus, 15 rules, 7, 49 Santa Claus, 9 Satan, 7 scream, 9, 21, 44, 47 sculpture, 9 secret sauce, 13 secretive reconnaissance, 8 security forces, 5 selective memory, 11 sentences, 10, 13 sermon, 9 services, 13 seventh grader, 15 sexual positions, 11 shave, 11 Shay, 7 Shayseph, 7 shiny, 7 shit, 7, 9, 10, 29, 32, 47, 49, 56 Shorty, 10 significant other, 10 slave labor, 10 sleep, 11 smoke rings, 7 sniper rifles, 8

snoball, 15 snot, 12 soap, 12 social gatherings, 11 sock puppet, 13 song, 14, 39, 43 Southern Baptist, 13, 21 sperm, 11 sperm banks, 11 spies, 8 spit, 11, 12 spy, 8, 13 squish, 7 statements, 7 strangers, 10 streetwise, 11 strippers, 11 subterfuge, 17 sue, 10 sugar, 7 sugarcoat, 9 suicide, 9, 14 syllables, 7 tacos, 5, 7 tattooed, 14 tender parts, 16 Thanksgiving, 10 the holiest of holies, 17 the smack kit, 15 the warm place, 17 third person, 13 Thode Islander, 15 three wishes, 10 touch, 10 Tourette syndrome, 10 trailer park, 13 transvestite, 8 trash, 7, 12, 13 trick-or-treaters, 12 truth, 5, 9 Tuesday, 6, 7, 21, 55 turds, 10, 12, 14, 45, 48, 49 tuxedo, 13, 20, 55

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 60 -

The Good Book Deluxe Edition

TV, 13, 29, 44 two, 6, 7, 11, 15, 16, 21, 43, 51 unanimous, 16 unouwannasteponme, 17 urban rapper, 11 urinate, 10 urineluck, 16 Us, 7 Utah, 5, 6, 7, 8, 21 Utahism, 8 vodka, 11 vomit, 13, 44 walk, 9 warm, 7 weasel, 7 whale, 2

whammies, 11 wheelchairs, 9 widdle stick, 15, 16 wild, 7 windows, 10 woman, 9 world domination, 8 World Domination, 6 World Domination Program, 6 wrong, 7, 45 yard, 13, 49 yay, 7 zaxaphone, 17 zaxaphoner, 17 Zimbabwean Jew, 16 Zmolik, 14, 29

Copyright 2008 – Espionage Enterprises - 61 -

Sponsor Documents

Or use your account on DocShare.tips

Hide

Forgot your password?

Or register your new account on DocShare.tips

Hide

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password.

Back to log-in

Close