I do not offer psychological or medical advice and this information should in no way replace sound treatment from a licensed health care provider. I am not a licensed medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, family therapist or social worker. If you are currently under the care of a medical professional, please do not implement this advice without your doctor’s approval.
Single girl’s mission .................................................................. 23 For the married girl ...................................................................... 23
Introduction ....................................................................................... 3 Married girl’s mission .............................................................. 25 Love only travels in one direction – outward .................................... 4 For the boy................................................................................... 25 The four archetypes of the love matrix ............................................. 6 Bonus : You are sexier than you think ......................................... 25 The Warrior | in the world and at work............................................. 8 The Goddess | in your heart ............................................................ 28 We’re all like you ......................................................................... 29 Fill in the blanks ........................................................................... 10 If you’ve got a headache take a pill ............................................. 29 The one who needs it the most ................................................... 10 Your true gifts .............................................................................. 30 Try it at work ................................................................................ 11 Your mission ................................................................................ 30 Your mission ................................................................................. 12 Bonus: Bypass your brain ............................................................ 31 Bonus: The *dickheads are self-evident* technique ................... 13 Where’s the bit about the binging? ................................................. 32 The Queen | at home and with friends ........................................... 14 The final mission .............................................................................. 33 The number one enemy of a peaceful kingdom .......................... 14 #1 - A Super-Quick Survey ........................................................... 33 Going back to school .................................................................... 15 #2 - Share The Love! .................................................................... 33 Good enough IS good enough...................................................... 16 Want more? ..................................................................................... 34 Your mission ................................................................................. 17 Bonus: How to ask for what you want ......................................... 18 The Lover | in your body .................................................................. 20 You are a woman ......................................................................... 20 For the single girl.......................................................................... 21
Approve| include| engage| love ................................................... 9
There are thousands of coaches and hundreds of books out there telling you that once you love yourself everything else will be
know what it’s like. I’ve been there too. Always putting yourself down, feeling fat and disgusting, taking on everyone’s problems, obsessed with how you look, needing to control everyone and
wonderful. But you know in your heart that if it was easy, you wouldn’t still be struggling. If it were possible you would have done it by now.
matter and worrying people wouldn’t like you if they really knew how
I’m not saying that self-love isn’t what we should all aim for.
you were. It’s no wonder you eat to numb the pain. It’s no wonder you get angry and frustrated at little things. It’s no wonder your life feels like it’s happening to you without you being in charge. If only you could love yourself ... and then everything would be
It’s absolutely the best way to live your life. But it’s not achieved by focusing your attention on changing your negative thoughts and feelings in order to get there. It’s achieved by giving instead of receiving – of opening up and loving others first before focusing on yourself.
right with the world. Forget it. It doesn’t work. How do I know this? Because I tried everything I could to love myself but day after day, week after week, month after month I looked in the mirror and could only see the flaws, the lumps and the stretch
The very act of concern for others’ wellbeing, it seems, creates a greater state of well-being within oneself. - Goleman
marks. Going from loathing to love is completely unachievable.
everything, needing to be perfect all the time, feeling like you don’t
So how did I do it? There's a secret that no-one tells you about ... until now. I know how to make this stuff work.
Love only travels in one direction – outward
coming out from it. I walked with my shoulders back and my boobies led the way. The change in my physical stance1 made me feel more
he day I decided I’d had enough of feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not loving enough, and not successful enough I searched for something that
would make me feel better. I read all the same books you’ve read, and
open being the one thing I kept at the front of my attention, I waited for the ferry to pull up next to the wharf. The man slid the ramp out onto the shore and as I walked across I looked him square in the eyes, smiled my warmest smile and said “Thank you. You’re doing a great job hauling that ramp on and off the boat all day. I’m glad I don’t have to do it. I really appreciate it.”
On a group coaching call one day with Reneé Stephens she said He looked pleased and a little embarrassed, but it wasn’t just
something about living from your heart – not just as a concept but as an actual physical act. It stuck in my head and that day I set my attention to live that way.
about him – I felt totally different. I’d connected with another human being and allowed love to flow through me to someone else. That first simple act changed my entire life.
Now you must remember at this point I was completely shut For the rest of the day and the days that followed, I was
down. I had no emotional relationship with my husband, my friends were all interstate, and my family lived overseas so there was no one I could connect with in any way. I didn’t have anyone in my life I could physically show how much I loved them (except Izzy the cat). So I
obsessed with being as nice as I could to everyone I met. It didn’t matter if I was gaining weight as a rebound from my years of dieting, that I had to wear the next size up jeans or that I couldn’t figure out if I
started small and safe. 1
That morning when I walked down the hill to the ferry I imagined the centre of my chest being open, exposed and rays of light
NLP states that our physical stance affects our emotional wellbeing. Try sitting hunched up in your chair with your head down and your arms crossed. Try and smile and feel good like that. Now sit up straight, lay your hands face up on your lap, release your shoulders and smile. Notice the difference just from changing your physical position.
they helped a bit, but I still had self-doubt, negative thoughts and
confident, more open … sort of nicer, almost happier. With staying
was full or not when I ate mindfully, my sole mission for the day was to
I avoided the question by changing the subject. “I’m loving everyone,”
be kind to strangers. I could do it because I didn’t have anything to
wouldn’t have made sense to anyone but me.
lose. They didn’t know me, they didn’t care what size I was, all they knew was that I was smiling at them and thanking them for doing a good job. I got the bus home one night so I didn’t have to walk up the hill
his favourite customers and the ones who drove him crazy. He wanted to know where I worked and how I liked living where I did. We talked to each other; we listened to each other without caring about history, failures, or achievements. We were strangers connecting in a world that had always seemed so cold and judgemental. I began to unthaw. The circle widened each day as I let more and more people see who I really was on the inside. I opened up to people I only knew by sight and to colleagues at work from whom I’d always kept my private life hidden. I asked questions about their lives and I listened to the answers.
"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next-door neighbour... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting." -Mother Theresa
The difference was astonishing. Somehow, being open,
honest and warm gave me courage to keep going. No-one rejected me;
on the contrary, everyone was starting to ask why I was so different, more relaxed and much happier. The answer seemed so ridiculous that
in the rain and I chatted with the bus driver. He told me about his day,
The four archetypes of the love matrix
develop decisiveness in a disciplined way. We wear our warrior clothes when we are out in the world and in our workplace.
ooking back I’ve realised what I did without knowing it – I worked my way through the love matrix and ended up believing I was awesome after all. The love matrix is a four
part framework that concentrates on our relationships from
When we do not inhabit our Warrior essence we are unable to make decisions, feel overlooked and spend our time seeking approval. Warriors are decisive, respected and confident. The Queen archetype is focused on creating order through
wise ruling. She is also a source of fertility and blessing. She symbolizes life force and balance; she is also a mentor. We wear queenly robes when we’re at home or hanging out with close friends. When we do not inhabit our Queenly essence we are always too busy, we lose our ability to nurture, we feel neglected and that something is missing in our lives.
The diagram above aligns with the four archetypes2 of the female psyche. The Warrior archetype stands for energy and assertiveness, clear thinking in the presence of chaos, and it’s where we work to
Queens always have time, are nurturing, fulfilled and express their needs. The Lover archetype stands for passion and love. The Lover is very aware of the physical world, of sensations, sensuality and feeling. The Lover’s energies are close to those of the Goddess. We take off our
clothes when we are intimate with the person we connect with Adapted from Jungian male psychology and transferred into the female.
sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
When we do not inhabit our Lover essence we feel alone, the spark has gone from our relationship, sex is infrequent or a physical act rather than a spiritual one. We feel unworthy of another’s love and we suppress our emotions, frightened that the intensity of our feelings will drive our partner away.
their emotions. The Goddess archetype is the knower and mistress of her secret inner world. She is an archetype of awareness, insight, thoughtfulness and introspective reflection. When we come fully into our Goddess essence we inhabit a space of self-love and self-care. Instead
“We can afford to open ourselves and join the rest of the world with a sense of tremendous generosity, tremendous goodness, and tremendous richness. The more we give, the more we gain-although what we gain should not particularly be our reason for giving. Rather, the more we give, the more we are inspired to give constantly. And the gaining process happens naturally, automatically."
of being drained by giving love to others, we become love itself, filled up by the act of sending love into the world. When we do not inhabit our Goddess essence we feel unloved
- Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
and unlovable, exhausted, damaged, and find ourselves lacking when we compare ourselves to other women. Goddesses are love.
Lovers are connected, loved, practice sacred sex and embrace
The Warrior | in the world and at work Warriors are decisive, respected and confident.
comrades as well as your enemies, courage and asserting your needs. Feeling comfortable in your warrior clothes is the first step on the pathway to self-love. It grounds us and gives us the perseverance we need to keep going.
Our warrior essence shows up when all
familiar to you and the one you
seems lost – so if you’re in a difficult situation,
sometimes inhabit in your work life (or
then this approach will be the easiest place to
start your transformation.
undertake during the day if you don’t go to work). In the Love Matrix we use the warrior persona to interact with strangers, acquaintances and colleagues3. Unfortunately,
confused by what it means to be a warrior woman, thinking it is imitating male behaviour. The warrior essence is nothing to do with control, rage and bullying but about protecting your boundaries, saying “yes”, loving your 3
All archetypal behaviour works in more than one situation, but for clarity (and to provide a step-by-step path) I am focusing on a particular way of behaving in a particular arena of life.
I’m not asking you to be grateful for and love the size of your
Fill in the blanks Thank you for …
It can’t be easy …
How long have you been …
Your (lack of) experience (doesn’t) shows …
You make my life better by …
I appreciate you …
boyfriend had just ended their relationship that morning? There were
The one who needs it the most
a myriad of reasons that entitled her to be in a bad mood.
helley and I sat outside at a café at Darling Harbour in between sessions of the Living in the Vortex seminar by Esther and Jerry Hicks. The waitress who came over to take our order was
grumpy and rude.
When she returned to our table, instead of taking on her negative energy, we smiled and thanked her for the difficult job she was doing on a hot day in the middle of the lunch hour rush. She softened before our eyes.
When she left we talked about how unpleasant she was. Then it occurred to us that something might be going on in her life we didn’t know about. Perhaps she had to leave her sick baby at home to come
Don’t just love the ones who are having a great day. Love the people who need it most.
to work, perhaps her mother was dying from cancer, perhaps her
that seem to pop up every day. s well as conversations, you can send an email to your coworkers using the same structure. Here’s an example ~
he is aware of how much you have helped me out by
layout and the graphs you included. I know you’ve been really busy with the cow
completing this document.” But what if Billy’s work is less than perfect? Remember how we give love to those who need it the most? The exact same email with a few adjustments would work in this situation. “Dear Billy,
insemination project so the amount of effort you put
Thank you so much for the report you
incredible. It’s hard to believe
prepared for me on sheep shearing. I
enjoyed the clean layout and the graphs
techniques because your work is I
with the cow insemination project so Knowing I have you around
Thanks again, Billy. This report is excellent work. I’m copying this email to your supervisor so
Thank you so much for the report you prepared for
wouldn’t be able to sort out those emergencies
attempt. When I first started out I thought sheep were sheared with normal scissors so you’re well ahead of me! I’m grateful for your willingness to help me out with this report even though it’s outside
Thanks again, Billy. This report is a great start. I really appreciate the effort you put into getting this important document completed.”
our mission is to give someone a heartfelt compliment every single day. Once you have mastered the stranger compliment you can move on up to the colleague
[You can’t fail at this ~ if you get to the end of the day and you haven’t complimented someone out in the world or at work then you are allowed to cheat. Give a heartfelt compliment to your partner, your
If you’re into goal setting and seeing your progress visually, make a star chart. Have one colour stars for easy compliments and
kids or your mother when she rings up to complain about something. Bending the rules is encouraged around here!]
another for hard compliments when the person wasn’t really doing a great job (the cranky waitress, the hopeless co-worker). Go for one of each colour every day. Make it a game.
ometimes people are just fucking4 annoying. Sorry, but in some cases it is impossible to praise someone who is being an idiot without sounding sarcastic. Most of the time getting annoyed
Because people who are aggressive and confrontational enjoy it when their behaviour triggers a conflict. Not entering into the conversation drives them crazy. Not only is the perpetrator frustrated but you come off looking gracious and restrained. The people that knew me understood I wasn’t trying to gloat
discussion best saved for another time. What matters now is finding a
about the loss of jobs. And they knew this particular person enjoyed
way to react that shows love.
stirring up trouble. I didn’t need to point out either thing.
A few years ago, in the middle of a tense time at work when
It’s hard to do at first. Your immediate reaction to an attack is
there were a lot redundancies and emotions were running high I
to go on the defence. The simplest way to do this technique is to leave
posted a message on the company notice board welcoming the new
reacting to the situation until the next day. When the heat has gone out
staff who had joined us. A person in another department decided to
of the argument, you will find it easier not to do anything.
criticise me for being insensitive to those people who had lost their jobs. Perhaps a fair call (dickheads sometimes teach us things) but his tone and language were personal and vicious.
What about that person who left an insulting comment on your blog? What about that reply-to-all email you weren’t meant to see? What about your ex-husbands inappropriate Facebook update?
I could have replied to his public attack on me defending my intention to be welcoming to the new people and point out the
Repeat after me ‘dickheads are self-evident.’
inappropriateness of a personal attack in a public forum. But I didn’t. Why?
I made a vow to not swear in this book, but as you can see, I’m flawed too!
with someone says more about us than it does about them but that’s a
The Queen | at home and with friends
A queen’s job is huge and sometimes she has too much to do. But one of her most important talents is her ability to delegate her
Queens always have time, are nurturing, fulfilled and express their needs.
authority. Instead of ruling with force, she empowers others to contribute to the smooth running of her kingdom. She appreciates all efforts towards making family life and friendships more
intimate and meaningful.
represents womanhood and
Feeling comfortable in your queenly robes is
the power of the feminine. She
the next step towards self-love. There is nothing more
is the champion of cooperation and
magnificent than an empowered woman who calms
cohesion and is a stabilizing and
and soothes her closest relationships.
calming influence on her close friends and family.
The number one enemy of a peaceful kingdom
The shadow side of the queen is ruthless, dominating, given to hysteria and needs everyone to obey her without question. The fully developed queen asserts her power but acts with benevolence, compassion, fairness and unconditional love. She is the stewardess and nurturer of the living space and brings order, blessing,
erfectionism has gotten a bad rap which is unfortunate if you’re like me and have an A-type personality. It seems that my need to excel at everything I do is now seen a negative
character trait rather than a positive one.
fertility (both physical and psychological) and balance.
Striving for perfectionism when you’re in your queen role will
But the story doesn’t end there. When I re-wrote the piece and submitted it for assessment, I still didn’t do a perfect job. I ran out of time, I got bored with the subject matter and a shiny thing distracted me. I probably put in an 80% effort. But here’s the thing. When it was marked I got a Distinction for
brilliant job by one person) would have left me thinking I was shit and I’d have given up or seethed with resentment. The end result is growth vs quitting. And that is the insidiousness of perfectionism and the lesson we teach our kids every time we tell them off for not doing something perfectly. It is why we feel so bad about ourselves when our hard work
had given 100% to the project and
isn’t recognised the way we think it should be.
received a Distinction which might have
Next time you decide to cook the perfect meal
happened because writing assessment is
or spend hours on that project until it’s exactly
inherently subjective, I would’ve felt
right ask yourself “is all this effort leaving me
disappointed and doubted my talent. But
room for growth or setting me up for
getting a Distinction for a less than
perfect attempt meant that I still had the
80% effort will transform you into a
potential to do better. More effort, more
calm and benevolent queen.
time, more focus (all within my capability) and my work could be even more brilliant. The lesson is about perception. The same mark can mean two different things depending on the standards you apply. Not shooting for the very best and still doing a good job left me confident I could improve. Working my butt off and doing a good job (but not judged a
Good enough IS good enough
our partner, your kids and your friends don’t judge the quality of the things you do. A perfectly made bed, uniformly folded towels, and hangers all facing the same way don’t ever
register with them. The only person who will comment is your mother and she’s got the same perfectionism issues you have! It’s no wonder
reinforcement and it works like magic! What is perfectionism costing you? Is it worth it? Can you be a
Science proves that making a request rather than giving an
Bonus: How to ask for what you want
hirty years ago a group of Yale University students were sent
order results in more compliance.
by their professor, Dr Stanley Milgram6, on to a New York subway
But there is a better way to get things done in a busy
household. It involves giving a reason for the request.
“Excuse me, can I have your Ellen Langer, another psychologist, and her colleagues
seat please?” Astonishingly,
for a photocopier. They found they could get people to let them jump
for the request, 68% of
to the front of the queue if they gave a reason7.
subway passengers gave up their seats. It seems that
The three requests were ~
getting what you want starts
1. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine
because I'm in a rush?"
2. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine?" Compare these two
3. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine
statements ~ •
I need you to put your shoes away please.
Would you please put your shoes away?
because I have to make some copies?" In scenario (1) 94% of people complied with the request. In scenario (2) 60% of people complied. But the next part is the most interesting. In scenario (3), where it wasn’t even a valid reason, 93% of people complied.
Dr Stanley Milgram was a controversial social psychologist who studied obedience to authority in the 1960s.
performed an experiment in which researchers butted into a queue
without any justification
The magic word is because. So we can refine the request even more ~
Additional information for high achievers ~ You can make the request even more effective if you are more specific about what you need – “Would you please put your school
Would you please put your shoes away because if you
shoes in the hall cupboard …” etc.
leave them there you might forget where you left them? Men and children may need asking more than once, not psychological trick to getting what you need. It involves asking
because they are ignoring you, but because they don’t hear you if they are concentrating on something else.
someone to change your experience of the world (just like the inclusion clause in the gratitude exercise). We all love to help other
Get their undivided attention first (“Hey sweetheart, can I ask
people; it’s hard wired into us. So now your request becomes fully
you something?”) Men, especially, focus so intently on the task at hand
formed and ultra-effective ~
that they block out everything else (which will come in handy in the next section).
Would you please put your shoes away because if you leave them there I might trip over them in the dark when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet?
And of course you won’t forget the follow-up heartfelt thankyou now will you?
Your superhero-psychologically-irresistible request now looks like this ~ •
Hey Sally, could you help me out? (pause while she looks up from her book). Would you please put your school shoes in the hall cupboard because if you leave them there I might trip over them in the dark when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet.
And because all good advice comes in threes, there is one more
The Lover | in your body
Alternatively, the shadow lover is frigid – she disciplines herself to extremes and suppresses her emotional response. She is shut down,
Lovers are connected, loved, practice sacred sex and
disconnected and dry.
embrace their emotions.
pleasure. She lives in the moment and enjoys music, art and nature. The lover inspires tenderness, protectiveness and
that’s the perfect place to express this part of your personality. Caring passionately about something, being in nature and a spiritual relationship with divine energy all trigger the lover persona.
passion in all who come in contact with her.
Feeling comfortable naked and vulnerable is the next step on
Appetite rules the lover archetype – she longs for a life of meaning and purpose, for deep connections with other people and
the pathway to self-love. It’s a willingness to surrender and risk everything no matter how things turn out.
things that add beauty to her life. She feels deeply – both joy and pain.
You are a woman
promiscuity, shopping, food, alcohol
and drugs. She is hungry for
flaw that needed correcting and I was always struggling against it.
he most important thing I have learned in my journey to self-
The shadow side of the lover
love is what it means to be a woman8. Until I could inhabit my lover archetype there was no way I could love what I saw in
the mirror. The reason was that I believed my feminine nature was a
something that’s never satisfied. She
possessions and people in the hope that
The words woman and man are used for convenience in this section but refer to feminine and masculine energy which can occur in either gender. Sexual attraction occurs when opposite energies meet – this is called polarity. Same sex relationships are built on this polarity too – one person being in their masculine essence and the other in their feminine.
he lover archetype represents passion, love, play and sensual
The lover archetype is not all about sexual intimacy, although
It wasn’t until I started studying sacred sex and intimacy that I realised being emotional, wild, moody, and passionate was part of my
This is it my friend. There is only one question you need to ask yourself in every moment of every day. “What would love do?”
feminine essence. Instead of trying to repress my instinctive emotional reactions to the world, I began to inhabit them.
But of course you want to know how to get there. So let’s start talking about our sexual relationships.
Being open in love is a scary place. You give yourself to others
For the single girl
from connecting with other people fully and deeply is worth the pain that will eventually happen when the relationship ends (because you know they all end don’t you? … you/he leaves or you/he dies)
know that you long for a man to share your experience of the world with. But at the same time you feel like this yearning is wrong and you should be happy being alone.
I’m here to tell you that wanting to be with a man who loves you is the The single most important need of the feminine essence is to be love. Not to be loved but to give and receive love without expectations.
core of your feminine essence. I give you permission to want an intimate connection.
You no longer search for love but you breathe love, relax in love and radiate love. You practice giving love, moment to moment, in the
The problem is what you want is not intimacy but what you
ecstasy of surrender. The true female lover is not dependent on
have been taught a relationship should look like. Serious, long-term,
external love or even self-love, rather she is love incarnate.
committed, stitched up and secure are the words people use to describe the intimate sexual connection we have with a man. None of
I know what I just said. I just said that when you inhabit your female essence, your lover persona, you are no longer dependent on self-love. That sentence is the key to my whole transformation and
these things guarantee that you will find someone to share your moments with; in fact, it may be the very thing that prevents you from finding that special person.
what all the previous missions have been about – gratitude, surrender, letting go, communicating your needs – all practical ways to be love.
without knowing what you will get in return. But the joy that comes
When I first started internet dating, finding a long-term
satisfied the other three criteria10 and the sexual attraction was
relationship was the last thing on my mind. I was fresh out of a
enough to make me curious to see what loving him might feel like. The
disastrous marriage and still entangled in an affair with a man who
fact that he was a brilliant kisser also tipped things in his favour11.
belonged to someone else. All I wanted to do was go out and have a There were no guarantees, no promises, no games and no
good time. The very fact that I didn’t want to ‘settle down’ made connecting with Duckfish9 possible.
agendas. We were two souls meeting in time and space for one
In the same way I began reaching out to strangers in the
for it to be perfect and just rode the wave of my sensual desire. I didn’t
beginning of my journey, I began to practice being love with someone
care about the size of my thighs, the stretch marks on my hips or my
where there was nothing to lose. They didn’t know me, there was no
rounded belly. If he didn’t like how I looked it was his problem, not
emotional history and there were no expectations of a relationship. It
mine. He liked how I looked because I didn’t care.
sounds like I was promiscuous, but I wasn’t. Purposely choosing to be Men love naked women. All types. There will be more than one
open and authentic with a date meant that there were no games and the lack of sexual chemistry was quickly apparent. Out of the twelve dates I had before I met Duckfish, I only slept with one guy because he was honest enough to say that he was only looking for someone to play with. He was sexy and sweet so I went for it. It was pretty good!
man that loves your full breasts and your generous hips as long as you don’t start feeling like you have to hide them. Remember it doesn’t matter what you think you look like, intimacy is an exercise in touch not sight (and there is much to be said for soft lighting).
When Duckfish walked up to me in the street on that Easter Monday last year, I knew I wanted to be intimate with him. He had
Duckfish is the pseudonym for my boyfriend Simon. As we are friends you can know his real name, but it looked funny when I started using Simon on the page so I went back to Duckfish.
The three pillars of a relationship are emotional (you like each other the same amount), intellectual (similar level of education/experience), and spiritual (believe in the same spiritual ideals). The fourth pillar is physical chemistry/attraction. 11 Someone said that if a man is average in bed you can always teach him but if he’s an average kisser then you’re stuck with it!
delicious evening. I was my crazy emotional self, letting go of the need
It’s scary to explore your sensuality with an acquaintance because what happens if you fall for him? Well, he’ll either like you back or not. If you’re emotionally unmatched the relationship stops working anyway. Better to know sooner than later. Does it hurt? Perhaps … but no more than longing and yearning
emptiness inside with food and alcohol. Being love with someone just for one night is far better than being too scared to try because you’re afraid it might hurt.
’m not telling you to sleep with the next guy you go out with but I am asking you to be fully open, loving and vulnerable the next time you go on a date. It will scare some men away, it will
fascinate others, but it will confirm to you that you can be real and still be attractive. It’s a tough mission. Give it a try. Then tell your closest
girlfriend what it was like in graphic detail. Show up in truth, show up in love and see how it feels.
because I cocked up my own marriage! But I do know a few things about men and maybe this advice will help you
understand what’s going on and put the spark back into your relationship. Men aren’t all about love. They enjoy love, they want to be with a radiant, confident woman, but if they were forced to make a decision at gun point, they’d choose dedicating themselves to their mission in
Single girl’s mission
ou know I’m not the right person to give marriage advice
life. This usually shows up as their job. There is nothing they enjoy more than solving problems, putting out fires, rescuing the wounded and making a difference in the world. You need them because they are focused and grounded (think of a lighthouse) and they need you because you are free and wild (think of the sea). Nothing you will do will change that. You just have to make sure that when he is with you he spends quality time with you. You need to remind him to be present. The kissing experiment is one of the easiest ways to get things heated up. The next time he kisses you, pause and ask him to try something. Ask him to not think about anything but the kiss – how it feels and how it tastes – and ask him to breathe you. It’s hard to
for the touch of another person and never getting it. Or filling up that
For the married girl
explain what that means but it’s like he breathes into his belly the air
around like a mad thing and you’re exhausted. He only hears that you
you exhale. You will feel the difference when he’s totally there with
don’t want him and he’s no longer desirable to you.
you and when his mind wanders off. When that happens, remind him to come back to you.
The solution of course is to have more sex, but I know it’s not as simple as that. In the interest of practical baby steps, let’s start with something easier. Tell him today that he looks handsome and you’re so
no, not THOSE two things! He wants you to believe in his dreams and
lucky to have such a sexy man in your life. When he gets undressed,
he wants to feel desired. I can tell you from experience that a man
comment on his cute bum. When he’s taking out the garbage, notice
strays because another woman listens to his crazy plans without
the muscles in his arms. He doesn’t care that he’s not the best looking
judgement and tells him how desirable he is. As wives or long-term
man in the world; he just wants to know that you find him desirable.
partners our words and actions can cause deep wounds that
sometimes never heal.
As most of this section has been about how you interact with
The next time your man tells you how he’s going to climb Mt
your partner, the last piece is for you. When your partner makes love
Everest before he’s 50, don’t point out that he’s unfit, hasn’t got the
to you, allow him to give you all the attention. Men get more turned on
money and has used up all his holiday leave. Don’t tell him it’s a stupid
by your reaction to their efforts than they do by their own pleasure.
idea. Instead, encourage him to dream as big as he likes and let him
Tell him that you’re tired but you really want him so you’re going to
know that if he really wants it bad enough, he’ll find a way to make it
just lay back and enjoy the ride. Don’t feel guilty, don’t think about
happen. Men have large egos. It will transform your relationship if you
him, let him focus his attention on making you feel sexually aroused.
support him rather than tear him down.
Let him know it’s working. Be vocal; gently guide him, surrender to
Every time you tell your husband that you’re too tired for sex
him. He’ll love it, I promise and so will you.
or you’re not in the mood he doesn’t get that you’ve been running
The other thing about men is that they only want two things –
Married girl’s mission
strong. Let her know that she will never frighten you away. Enjoy that she is different to you. Assure her that no matter
et him be the master of his domain at work but when he comes
how bad it gets, you’re there for her.
home make being with you the most amazing place in the •
world. Be love for him. Love that asks him to be present. Love
Go back for the girl. At the end of a hard day when you’ve rescued all the hostages from the French embassy, don’t
that supports him and desires him. And love that is willing to receive
forget to go back for the girl. She’s the one that makes
what he offers. I’d suggest a star chart but that might be going a bit too far …
there and you don’t have to do it on your own.
For the boy
Bonus : You are sexier than you think
f you’re a man reading this then I hope seeing things from a woman’s perspective has enlightened you. I have some quick tips on how to make a woman fall in love and stay in love with you. •
Perform unexpected small acts of kindness ~ take out the garbage, make the bed, buy her a flower, call her during the day ~ small things matter not the big ones.
The way to her juicy bits is through her heart. Tell her she
n my ‘before’ life, when I was working so hard towards being lean and healthy, I used to have a vision board filled with pictures of figure competitors. They were my inspiration. I focused on those
pictures believing I would create what I put my attention on. The law of attraction didn’t let me down – I did end up with a similar body – but instead of feeling pleased I still felt lacking and panicked that a couple of meals would snatch the look I longed for away from me.
is beautiful, wonderful and inspiring. Don’t worry if she argues with you, just keep telling her. Say “I’m loving you,”
I was always comparing myself to someone who had different
genes and different reasons for wanting to look that way. I could only
Don’t react to her changing moods. Instead, stand like a
see the external version of that woman. I had no idea whether she
lighthouse in the middle of a storm – constant, grounded,
society tells us that unless we are beautiful, young and slender, we can’t possibly be sexually attractive. By believing this lie we are giving away our power. The truth is no matter how you measure up to the impossible standard of air brushed models; you are sexier than you think. The
the love matrix
only prerequisite for beauty is confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. You deserve to be wanted, ravished and satisfied. You are a work of art. You are gloriously intuitive, emotional, impulsive and heart centred. Don’t let society take away from you your femininity which is a gift to the world. Every time you love someone, every time you hold a man’s heart in your hands, you transform your life and the life of those around you. You were born with a strong female essence because you have a mission to be love and to be loved. Every day you believe that you are less than desirable you are missing out on your life. Step into your beauty. Claim your feminine power. Be sexy.
When the goddess connects with her divine essence, she connects with others, her body, her emotions, the earth and the
Goddesses are love.
world, the unconscious mind and an understanding of the universal laws of
interdependent. When we inhabit our goddess persona we become our true selves – perfectly flawed and divinely human. It is
She understands how to transform situations, influence people, and make dreams a reality. She is
the last step we take in becoming love, loved and loving.
divine, guiding, nurturing and intuitive. The spiritual awakening you see all over the planet is an effect of the divine goddess being reborn in each of us. The goddess is both light and shadow and she understands, as it is with nature so it is with her. There are cycles of creation and destruction,
nurturing and devouring, birth and death, giving and taking away. She embraces her dark nature because she knows that in endings there are always beginnings.
Let her not worry, not fear, not be anxious, the woman who feels her inner-self deserted, haunted by lack of belief and weakness, full of darkness and aridness; let her not mind these in the least.
ou are the person who bears the same burden of life as everyone else. Perhaps you think there is something wrong with you because everyone else seems to be so much more
together than you are, but we’re all sharing the same secrets.
If you’ve got a headache take a pill
f you wake up with a headache in the morning you go to the bathroom cabinet and take a pain killer. No one expects you to endure the throbbing pain and doesn’t judge you weak for taking
something to give you relief. It is the same things with emotions. Our emotional reactions,
wounded and hurt. It’s what life’s all about. No one escapes the
both good and bad, have stayed with us throughout evolution because
darkness and lives only in the light.
they are valuable. Emotions occur as a physical reaction. Sometimes they are automatic (jumping at a loud noise) and sometimes they are
Know that you are strong because you have survived this far. Know that you are doing everything that anyone in your situation could be expected to do. Know that wanting peace, love and joy affirms you are heading in the right direction. You are love already. You don’t have to create it or increase it or work hard to give it and receive it. Love is something that flows through you. Always. Sometimes things get in the way of the flow but like a river, the water will find a way around the obstacle in its path.
created by our own thoughts (crying at a sad movie). It makes us physically sick when we try to suppress our emotions instead of expressing them. But you can still take the edge off – you don’t have to endure great discomfort without some help. This is where I think the ‘comfort’ eating message gets blurred. When my husband committed suicide I was understandably an emotional mess. Some of the time I could express what I felt, but other times the pain kept me from getting on with my life (like that bad headache). I took a pain killer and in my case my painkiller was food. Although I never ate until I was sick like the old binging days, I ate food to feel better rather than just when I was hungry.
We’ve all been bruised, abused, disappointed, betrayed,
When you hear this story I’m sure you don’t think I was weak
if you can paint or if you can write and become totally absorbed in
or without strength of character. You probably think I was doing what
doing it, then you have a direct pathway to your authentic self. You
I needed to get through a rough patch. I had a headache and I needed a
learn the most about yourself when you drop all logic, reason, linear
structure and concern for cause and effect. Allow yourself to work on something in which you can flow and drift. Give yourself space to listen My point is that no one expects you to live a life without a bit of
to that quiet voice that whispers to you and follow its lead.
can have a drink when you come home frazzled, and you can forget your heartache in the arms of someone else. If you look for a way to get relief you’re not broken, you’re just hurting.
haven’t done for years. Carve out time in your day to connect
There is no practical exercise to go with this section. All I wanted to do was tell you you’re OK exactly the way you are. Maybe if you know this, some of your self-judgement will slip away …
Your true gifts
nce a week do something that you used to love doing but
with the part of you that remains untouched by your life
experience. Maybe you haven’t painted since you were a kid, maybe you haven’t danced since you left high school but it’s never too late. Like riding a bike you won’t have forgotten how to do it. You might be a bit
t is no accident that when I was consumed with how I looked and running from the problems in my life that I gave up photography and wrote nothing more than what I ate and how much I weighed.
wobbly at first but before too long your body and your heart will remember the joy and slide back into the familiar pleasure of inhabiting your unique gifts.
Our creative energy is directly linked to our goddess essence. Think of the thing that you love to do and the tasks that make you lose track of time. This is where your true gift lies. If you can sing,
aybe you have come here looking for the secret of how I
Go and play … That’s my secret to ending binging.
gave up binging. I don’t want you to be mad at me for not talking about it so here’s the bit you’ve been waiting for.
With that, I’m done ~ but you’re not quite finished yet ~ there’s one final mission …
The reason I healed from my obsession with food is because I
the love matrix
stopped thinking about it. After a few weeks of following an intuitive eating path that said I should write everything down, I rebelled and decided that I didn’t care anymore. But instead of doing nothing, I began learning about something I knew nothing about. My choice was spirituality and the relationship between my human experience and the unseen world but it could have been anything. I stopped dwelling on what went into my mouth and concentrated on something more interesting, different and challenging. My final advice in this book is to find a new hobby. I’m not talking about your true gift from the previous section; I’m talking about being an absolute beginner and having a go. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect, don’t worry if you take forever to get the hang of the new thing, just put your attention on something that will stretch you, surprise you and give you space to make mistakes without any consequences.