The Love Matrix | a love ninja guide

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© 2011

I do not offer psychological or medical advice and this information should in no way replace sound treatment from a licensed health care provider. I am not a licensed medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, family therapist or social worker. If you are currently under the care of a medical professional, please do not implement this advice without your doctor’s approval.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix


Table of Contents

Single girl’s mission .................................................................. 23 For the married girl ...................................................................... 23

Introduction ....................................................................................... 3 Married girl’s mission .............................................................. 25 Love only travels in one direction – outward .................................... 4 For the boy................................................................................... 25 The four archetypes of the love matrix ............................................. 6 Bonus : You are sexier than you think ......................................... 25 The Warrior | in the world and at work............................................. 8 The Goddess | in your heart ............................................................ 28 We’re all like you ......................................................................... 29 Fill in the blanks ........................................................................... 10 If you’ve got a headache take a pill ............................................. 29 The one who needs it the most ................................................... 10 Your true gifts .............................................................................. 30 Try it at work ................................................................................ 11 Your mission ................................................................................ 30 Your mission ................................................................................. 12 Bonus: Bypass your brain ............................................................ 31 Bonus: The *dickheads are self-evident* technique ................... 13 Where’s the bit about the binging? ................................................. 32 The Queen | at home and with friends ........................................... 14 The final mission .............................................................................. 33 The number one enemy of a peaceful kingdom .......................... 14 #1 - A Super-Quick Survey ........................................................... 33 Going back to school .................................................................... 15 #2 - Share The Love! .................................................................... 33 Good enough IS good enough...................................................... 16 Want more? ..................................................................................... 34 Your mission ................................................................................. 17 Bonus: How to ask for what you want ......................................... 18 The Lover | in your body .................................................................. 20 You are a woman ......................................................................... 20 For the single girl.......................................................................... 21

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

Approve| include| engage| love ................................................... 9


There are thousands of coaches and hundreds of books out there telling you that once you love yourself everything else will be


know what it’s like. I’ve been there too. Always putting yourself down, feeling fat and disgusting, taking on everyone’s problems, obsessed with how you look, needing to control everyone and

wonderful. But you know in your heart that if it was easy, you wouldn’t still be struggling. If it were possible you would have done it by now.

matter and worrying people wouldn’t like you if they really knew how

I’m not saying that self-love isn’t what we should all aim for.

you were. It’s no wonder you eat to numb the pain. It’s no wonder you get angry and frustrated at little things. It’s no wonder your life feels like it’s happening to you without you being in charge. If only you could love yourself ... and then everything would be

It’s absolutely the best way to live your life. But it’s not achieved by focusing your attention on changing your negative thoughts and feelings in order to get there. It’s achieved by giving instead of receiving – of opening up and loving others first before focusing on yourself.

right with the world. Forget it. It doesn’t work. How do I know this? Because I tried everything I could to love myself but day after day, week after week, month after month I looked in the mirror and could only see the flaws, the lumps and the stretch

The very act of concern for others’ wellbeing, it seems, creates a greater state of well-being within oneself. - Goleman

marks. Going from loathing to love is completely unachievable.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

everything, needing to be perfect all the time, feeling like you don’t

So how did I do it? There's a secret that no-one tells you about ... until now. I know how to make this stuff work.

Love only travels in one direction – outward

coming out from it. I walked with my shoulders back and my boobies led the way. The change in my physical stance1 made me feel more


he day I decided I’d had enough of feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not loving enough, and not successful enough I searched for something that

would make me feel better. I read all the same books you’ve read, and

uncomfortable feelings.

open being the one thing I kept at the front of my attention, I waited for the ferry to pull up next to the wharf. The man slid the ramp out onto the shore and as I walked across I looked him square in the eyes, smiled my warmest smile and said “Thank you. You’re doing a great job hauling that ramp on and off the boat all day. I’m glad I don’t have to do it. I really appreciate it.”

On a group coaching call one day with Reneé Stephens she said He looked pleased and a little embarrassed, but it wasn’t just

something about living from your heart – not just as a concept but as an actual physical act. It stuck in my head and that day I set my attention to live that way.

about him – I felt totally different. I’d connected with another human being and allowed love to flow through me to someone else. That first simple act changed my entire life.

Now you must remember at this point I was completely shut For the rest of the day and the days that followed, I was

down. I had no emotional relationship with my husband, my friends were all interstate, and my family lived overseas so there was no one I could connect with in any way. I didn’t have anyone in my life I could physically show how much I loved them (except Izzy the cat). So I

obsessed with being as nice as I could to everyone I met. It didn’t matter if I was gaining weight as a rebound from my years of dieting, that I had to wear the next size up jeans or that I couldn’t figure out if I

started small and safe. 1

That morning when I walked down the hill to the ferry I imagined the centre of my chest being open, exposed and rays of light

NLP states that our physical stance affects our emotional wellbeing. Try sitting hunched up in your chair with your head down and your arms crossed. Try and smile and feel good like that. Now sit up straight, lay your hands face up on your lap, release your shoulders and smile. Notice the difference just from changing your physical position.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

they helped a bit, but I still had self-doubt, negative thoughts and

confident, more open … sort of nicer, almost happier. With staying

was full or not when I ate mindfully, my sole mission for the day was to

I avoided the question by changing the subject. “I’m loving everyone,”

be kind to strangers. I could do it because I didn’t have anything to

wouldn’t have made sense to anyone but me.

lose. They didn’t know me, they didn’t care what size I was, all they knew was that I was smiling at them and thanking them for doing a good job. I got the bus home one night so I didn’t have to walk up the hill

his favourite customers and the ones who drove him crazy. He wanted to know where I worked and how I liked living where I did. We talked to each other; we listened to each other without caring about history, failures, or achievements. We were strangers connecting in a world that had always seemed so cold and judgemental. I began to unthaw. The circle widened each day as I let more and more people see who I really was on the inside. I opened up to people I only knew by sight and to colleagues at work from whom I’d always kept my private life hidden. I asked questions about their lives and I listened to the answers.

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next-door neighbour... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting." -Mother Theresa

The difference was astonishing. Somehow, being open,

honest and warm gave me courage to keep going. No-one rejected me;

on the contrary, everyone was starting to ask why I was so different, more relaxed and much happier. The answer seemed so ridiculous that

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

in the rain and I chatted with the bus driver. He told me about his day,

The four archetypes of the love matrix

develop decisiveness in a disciplined way. We wear our warrior clothes when we are out in the world and in our workplace.


ooking back I’ve realised what I did without knowing it – I worked my way through the love matrix and ended up believing I was awesome after all. The love matrix is a four

part framework that concentrates on our relationships from

When we do not inhabit our Warrior essence we are unable to make decisions, feel overlooked and spend our time seeking approval. Warriors are decisive, respected and confident. The Queen archetype is focused on creating order through












wise ruling. She is also a source of fertility and blessing. She symbolizes life force and balance; she is also a mentor. We wear queenly robes when we’re at home or hanging out with close friends. When we do not inhabit our Queenly essence we are always too busy, we lose our ability to nurture, we feel neglected and that something is missing in our lives.

The diagram above aligns with the four archetypes2 of the female psyche. The Warrior archetype stands for energy and assertiveness, clear thinking in the presence of chaos, and it’s where we work to

Queens always have time, are nurturing, fulfilled and express their needs. The Lover archetype stands for passion and love. The Lover is very aware of the physical world, of sensations, sensuality and feeling. The Lover’s energies are close to those of the Goddess. We take off our


clothes when we are intimate with the person we connect with Adapted from Jungian male psychology and transferred into the female.

sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

distant to close.

When we do not inhabit our Lover essence we feel alone, the spark has gone from our relationship, sex is infrequent or a physical act rather than a spiritual one. We feel unworthy of another’s love and we suppress our emotions, frightened that the intensity of our feelings will drive our partner away.

their emotions. The Goddess archetype is the knower and mistress of her secret inner world. She is an archetype of awareness, insight, thoughtfulness and introspective reflection. When we come fully into our Goddess essence we inhabit a space of self-love and self-care. Instead

“We can afford to open ourselves and join the rest of the world with a sense of tremendous generosity, tremendous goodness, and tremendous richness. The more we give, the more we gain-although what we gain should not particularly be our reason for giving. Rather, the more we give, the more we are inspired to give constantly. And the gaining process happens naturally, automatically."

of being drained by giving love to others, we become love itself, filled up by the act of sending love into the world. When we do not inhabit our Goddess essence we feel unloved

- Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche

and unlovable, exhausted, damaged, and find ourselves lacking when we compare ourselves to other women. Goddesses are love.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

Lovers are connected, loved, practice sacred sex and embrace

The Warrior | in the world and at work Warriors are decisive, respected and confident.

comrades as well as your enemies, courage and asserting your needs. Feeling comfortable in your warrior clothes is the first step on the pathway to self-love. It grounds us and gives us the perseverance we need to keep going.


Our warrior essence shows up when all

familiar to you and the one you

seems lost – so if you’re in a difficult situation,

sometimes inhabit in your work life (or

then this approach will be the easiest place to






start your transformation.

undertake during the day if you don’t go to work). In the Love Matrix we use the warrior persona to interact with strangers, acquaintances and colleagues3. Unfortunately,




confused by what it means to be a warrior woman, thinking it is imitating male behaviour. The warrior essence is nothing to do with control, rage and bullying but about protecting your boundaries, saying “yes”, loving your 3

All archetypal behaviour works in more than one situation, but for clarity (and to provide a step-by-step path) I am focusing on a particular way of behaving in a particular arena of life.

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix


he warrior essence is probably the most

Approve| include| engage| love


y previous story about complimenting the ferry man was

It’s empathy ~ “It can’t be easy making great coffee when you’re so busy.”

an example of the approve | include | engage | love practice

It’s engagement ~

in action. It is the very first step and relies on the twin

“You must have been doing this your whole life.”

pillars of love and gratitude. It’s listening (to the answer) and responding ~

thighs just yet. I’m asking you to be grateful for the people who offer

“Well it certainly shows that you’ve been doing this since you were a teenager.”

you service throughout the day and opening up to love by giving them a compliment.

It’s inclusion ~ “I’m glad to have found you – great coffee makes the difference

It’s physical

between a bad day and a good day.”

It’s a huge out breath before you start to speak. It’s looking

And it’s love ~

directly into the person’s eyes. It’s smiling. It shoulders back and light

“I appreciate you so much.”

pouring forth from the centre of your chest. It’s your words It’s approving their effort in specific terms ~ “Thank you for making such a perfect coffee for me.”

© 2011 Katie Paul |


the love matrix

I’m not asking you to be grateful for and love the size of your

Fill in the blanks Thank you for …


It can’t be easy …


How long have you been …


Your (lack of) experience (doesn’t) shows …


You make my life better by …


I appreciate you …

boyfriend had just ended their relationship that morning? There were

The one who needs it the most


a myriad of reasons that entitled her to be in a bad mood.

helley and I sat outside at a café at Darling Harbour in between sessions of the Living in the Vortex seminar by Esther and Jerry Hicks. The waitress who came over to take our order was

grumpy and rude.

When she returned to our table, instead of taking on her negative energy, we smiled and thanked her for the difficult job she was doing on a hot day in the middle of the lunch hour rush. She softened before our eyes.

When she left we talked about how unpleasant she was. Then it occurred to us that something might be going on in her life we didn’t know about. Perhaps she had to leave her sick baby at home to come

Don’t just love the ones who are having a great day. Love the people who need it most.

to work, perhaps her mother was dying from cancer, perhaps her

© 2011 Katie Paul |

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Try it at work


that seem to pop up every day. s well as conversations, you can send an email to your coworkers using the same structure. Here’s an example ~

he is aware of how much you have helped me out by















layout and the graphs you included. I know you’ve been really busy with the cow

completing this document.” But what if Billy’s work is less than perfect? Remember how we give love to those who need it the most? The exact same email with a few adjustments would work in this situation. “Dear Billy,

insemination project so the amount of effort you put



Thank you so much for the report you

incredible. It’s hard to believe

prepared for me on sheep shearing. I


enjoyed the clean layout and the graphs




the into








you included.

techniques because your work is I

so thorough.






with the cow insemination project so Knowing I have you around

the amount of effort you put into this

to support me makes my job so

report is incredible. I know this is


the first time you’ve looked into sheep





© 2011 Katie Paul |

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Thanks again, Billy. This report is excellent work. I’m copying this email to your supervisor so

“Dear Billy,

Thank you so much for the report you prepared for

wouldn’t be able to sort out those emergencies








attempt. When I first started out I thought sheep were sheared with normal scissors so you’re well ahead of me! I’m grateful for your willingness to help me out with this report even though it’s outside

Thanks again, Billy. This report is a great start. I really appreciate the effort you put into getting this important document completed.”

Your mission


our mission is to give someone a heartfelt compliment every single day. Once you have mastered the stranger compliment you can move on up to the colleague


[You can’t fail at this ~ if you get to the end of the day and you haven’t complimented someone out in the world or at work then you are allowed to cheat. Give a heartfelt compliment to your partner, your

If you’re into goal setting and seeing your progress visually, make a star chart. Have one colour stars for easy compliments and

kids or your mother when she rings up to complain about something. Bending the rules is encouraged around here!]

another for hard compliments when the person wasn’t really doing a great job (the cranky waitress, the hopeless co-worker). Go for one of each colour every day. Make it a game.

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your area of expertise.

Bonus: The *dickheads are self-evident* technique


ometimes people are just fucking4 annoying. Sorry, but in some cases it is impossible to praise someone who is being an idiot without sounding sarcastic. Most of the time getting annoyed

Because people who are aggressive and confrontational enjoy it when their behaviour triggers a conflict. Not entering into the conversation drives them crazy. Not only is the perpetrator frustrated but you come off looking gracious and restrained. The people that knew me understood I wasn’t trying to gloat

discussion best saved for another time. What matters now is finding a

about the loss of jobs. And they knew this particular person enjoyed

way to react that shows love.

stirring up trouble. I didn’t need to point out either thing.

A few years ago, in the middle of a tense time at work when

It’s hard to do at first. Your immediate reaction to an attack is

there were a lot redundancies and emotions were running high I

to go on the defence. The simplest way to do this technique is to leave

posted a message on the company notice board welcoming the new

reacting to the situation until the next day. When the heat has gone out

staff who had joined us. A person in another department decided to

of the argument, you will find it easier not to do anything.

criticise me for being insensitive to those people who had lost their jobs. Perhaps a fair call (dickheads sometimes teach us things) but his tone and language were personal and vicious.

What about that person who left an insulting comment on your blog? What about that reply-to-all email you weren’t meant to see? What about your ex-husbands inappropriate Facebook update?

I could have replied to his public attack on me defending my intention to be welcoming to the new people and point out the

Repeat after me ‘dickheads are self-evident.’

inappropriateness of a personal attack in a public forum. But I didn’t. Why?


I made a vow to not swear in this book, but as you can see, I’m flawed too!

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with someone says more about us than it does about them but that’s a

The Queen | at home and with friends

A queen’s job is huge and sometimes she has too much to do. But one of her most important talents is her ability to delegate her

Queens always have time, are nurturing, fulfilled and express their needs.

authority. Instead of ruling with force, she empowers others to contribute to the smooth running of her kingdom. She appreciates all efforts towards making family life and friendships more


intimate and meaningful.


represents womanhood and

Feeling comfortable in your queenly robes is

the power of the feminine. She

the next step towards self-love. There is nothing more

is the champion of cooperation and

magnificent than an empowered woman who calms

cohesion and is a stabilizing and

and soothes her closest relationships.

calming influence on her close friends and family.

The number one enemy of a peaceful kingdom

The shadow side of the queen is ruthless, dominating, given to hysteria and needs everyone to obey her without question. The fully developed queen asserts her power but acts with benevolence, compassion, fairness and unconditional love. She is the stewardess and nurturer of the living space and brings order, blessing,


erfectionism has gotten a bad rap which is unfortunate if you’re like me and have an A-type personality. It seems that my need to excel at everything I do is now seen a negative

character trait rather than a positive one.

fertility (both physical and psychological) and balance.

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Perfectionism (like any behaviour) is neither good nor bad; it

The first time I had to submit a piece of writing for the class to

just depends on the circumstances5. Striving to be the best can inspire

critique and give feedback on, I was nauseous with fear. What if I

you to push outside your comfort zone in some situations but in

couldn’t write at all? What if everyone thought my work was shit? I’d

others, it can both cripple your ability to get anything done and

spent a lot of time on the piece, ignoring my own advice to give up my

perpetuate the myth that you need to do everything yourself because

need for it to be perfect; so I took almost every word I’d written in my

otherwise it won’t get done properly.

first draft and changed it for a better one. The feedback was lukewarm. There was nothing wrong with

result in you not having enough time, feeling like your needs are never

my writing. It was fine. At the end of the workshop, I didn’t know how

met and resenting the people who demand your attention.

to make it better or if I was doomed to be a crap writer.

Going back to school


hen I returned to University after being away from formal education for twenty years I knew I could handle

The second time I submitted work for feedback, I did things differently. I wrote exactly what came out of my head and didn’t touch a word. It was raw, unpolished and rough.

it. I am intelligent and pick things up quickly so learning

This time the feedback was amazing. There were bits that

is not difficult. What I had to adjust to was the high expectations I had

needed fixing but they were the same bits I knew needed work.

on myself in an environment where I wanted to be the top of the class

Knowing I could see the areas that needed improvement confirmed I

(so that people would admire me I suppose). Instead of repeating my

was on the right track. The class came up with wonderful ideas about

first University experience where I worked my arse off and never had

themes that were emerging I hadn’t even seen. Their comments

any fun, I decided this time to enjoy every moment of the journey.

sparked a rush of ideas I wouldn’t have thought of on my own. There was collaboration and encouragement completely different from my first workshop experience.


NLP calls this contextual reframing.

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Striving for perfectionism when you’re in your queen role will

But the story doesn’t end there. When I re-wrote the piece and submitted it for assessment, I still didn’t do a perfect job. I ran out of time, I got bored with the subject matter and a shiny thing distracted me. I probably put in an 80% effort. But here’s the thing. When it was marked I got a Distinction for

brilliant job by one person) would have left me thinking I was shit and I’d have given up or seethed with resentment. The end result is growth vs quitting. And that is the insidiousness of perfectionism and the lesson we teach our kids every time we tell them off for not doing something perfectly. It is why we feel so bad about ourselves when our hard work

had given 100% to the project and

isn’t recognised the way we think it should be.

received a Distinction which might have

Next time you decide to cook the perfect meal

happened because writing assessment is

or spend hours on that project until it’s exactly

inherently subjective, I would’ve felt

right ask yourself “is all this effort leaving me

disappointed and doubted my talent. But

room for growth or setting me up for

getting a Distinction for a less than


perfect attempt meant that I still had the

80% effort will transform you into a

potential to do better. More effort, more

calm and benevolent queen.

time, more focus (all within my capability) and my work could be even more brilliant. The lesson is about perception. The same mark can mean two different things depending on the standards you apply. Not shooting for the very best and still doing a good job left me confident I could improve. Working my butt off and doing a good job (but not judged a

Good enough IS good enough


our partner, your kids and your friends don’t judge the quality of the things you do. A perfectly made bed, uniformly folded towels, and hangers all facing the same way don’t ever

register with them. The only person who will comment is your mother and she’s got the same perfectionism issues you have! It’s no wonder

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it and it was the best mark I ever got. If I

you don’t have any time to hang out with the kids, go for a walk or take a bath when you’re making everything look perfect.

Get a cleaner (even though she’ll forget to shine the taps and you might have to remind her)

Good enough IS good enough. The distance between good and

And when you get help remember the warrior practice of love

perfect is so small that no one ever notices it. And if going that extra

and gratitude you’ve been working on out in the world and at work.

distance makes you fraught and irritated then it’s not worth it.

Use all the elements of a heartfelt compliment. It’s called positive

good mum instead of a perfect one?

You could even add another star to your star chart every time

Your mission


you let something stay just good enough. And there’s cheating potential here too … if you’ve forgotten to let something slide from

hoose one small thing you can stop doing perfectly. It

100% to 80% that day, go mess up the towels in the linen cupboard

shouldn’t be big because it will feel uncomfortable and small

and give yourself a star.

discomfort is easier to deal with in the beginning. Here’s a few You only have to do this for one day. You can either pick a

ideas ~

manic day to let something go or a calm day when you feel more •

Let the kids empty the dishwasher and put the plates in

emotionally centred – either way, just see how it feels. Not just the

the wrong order (do the big ones HAVE to go on the

discomfort but what comes after it. Notice how your family reacts


when you say “Good job – thanks for helping me out. It means the

Let your husband cook beans on toast for dinner the

world to me” rather than “Who put the knives upside down in the

night you have to pick Sally up from ballet (even

cutlery drawer?”

though he might burn the toast a few times)

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reinforcement and it works like magic! What is perfectionism costing you? Is it worth it? Can you be a

Science proves that making a request rather than giving an

Bonus: How to ask for what you want


hirty years ago a group of Yale University students were sent

order results in more compliance.

by their professor, Dr Stanley Milgram6, on to a New York subway


But there is a better way to get things done in a busy


household. It involves giving a reason for the request.

“Excuse me, can I have your Ellen Langer, another psychologist, and her colleagues

seat please?” Astonishingly,

for a photocopier. They found they could get people to let them jump

for the request, 68% of

to the front of the queue if they gave a reason7.

subway passengers gave up their seats. It seems that

The three requests were ~

getting what you want starts



1. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine


because I'm in a rush?"


2. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine?" Compare these two

3. "Excuse me. I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine

statements ~ •

I need you to put your shoes away please.

Would you please put your shoes away?

because I have to make some copies?" In scenario (1) 94% of people complied with the request. In scenario (2) 60% of people complied. But the next part is the most interesting. In scenario (3), where it wasn’t even a valid reason, 93% of people complied.


Dr Stanley Milgram was a controversial social psychologist who studied obedience to authority in the 1960s.


This is called Automaticity.

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performed an experiment in which researchers butted into a queue

without any justification

The magic word is because. So we can refine the request even more ~

Additional information for high achievers ~ You can make the request even more effective if you are more specific about what you need – “Would you please put your school

Would you please put your shoes away because if you

shoes in the hall cupboard …” etc.

leave them there you might forget where you left them? Men and children may need asking more than once, not psychological trick to getting what you need. It involves asking

because they are ignoring you, but because they don’t hear you if they are concentrating on something else.

someone to change your experience of the world (just like the inclusion clause in the gratitude exercise). We all love to help other

Get their undivided attention first (“Hey sweetheart, can I ask

people; it’s hard wired into us. So now your request becomes fully

you something?”) Men, especially, focus so intently on the task at hand

formed and ultra-effective ~

that they block out everything else (which will come in handy in the next section).

Would you please put your shoes away because if you leave them there I might trip over them in the dark when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet?

And of course you won’t forget the follow-up heartfelt thankyou now will you?

Your superhero-psychologically-irresistible request now looks like this ~ •

Hey Sally, could you help me out? (pause while she looks up from her book). Would you please put your school shoes in the hall cupboard because if you leave them there I might trip over them in the dark when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet.

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And because all good advice comes in threes, there is one more

The Lover | in your body

Alternatively, the shadow lover is frigid – she disciplines herself to extremes and suppresses her emotional response. She is shut down,

Lovers are connected, loved, practice sacred sex and

disconnected and dry.

embrace their emotions.

pleasure. She lives in the moment and enjoys music, art and nature. The lover inspires tenderness, protectiveness and

that’s the perfect place to express this part of your personality. Caring passionately about something, being in nature and a spiritual relationship with divine energy all trigger the lover persona.

passion in all who come in contact with her.

Feeling comfortable naked and vulnerable is the next step on

Appetite rules the lover archetype – she longs for a life of meaning and purpose, for deep connections with other people and

the pathway to self-love. It’s a willingness to surrender and risk everything no matter how things turn out.

things that add beauty to her life. She feels deeply – both joy and pain.

You are a woman

promiscuity, shopping, food, alcohol


and drugs. She is hungry for

flaw that needed correcting and I was always struggling against it.

he most important thing I have learned in my journey to self-

The shadow side of the lover





love is what it means to be a woman8. Until I could inhabit my lover archetype there was no way I could love what I saw in

the mirror. The reason was that I believed my feminine nature was a

something that’s never satisfied. She



possessions and people in the hope that







The words woman and man are used for convenience in this section but refer to feminine and masculine energy which can occur in either gender. Sexual attraction occurs when opposite energies meet – this is called polarity. Same sex relationships are built on this polarity too – one person being in their masculine essence and the other in their feminine.

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he lover archetype represents passion, love, play and sensual

The lover archetype is not all about sexual intimacy, although

It wasn’t until I started studying sacred sex and intimacy that I realised being emotional, wild, moody, and passionate was part of my

This is it my friend. There is only one question you need to ask yourself in every moment of every day. “What would love do?”

feminine essence. Instead of trying to repress my instinctive emotional reactions to the world, I began to inhabit them.

But of course you want to know how to get there. So let’s start talking about our sexual relationships.

Being open in love is a scary place. You give yourself to others

For the single girl

from connecting with other people fully and deeply is worth the pain that will eventually happen when the relationship ends (because you know they all end don’t you? … you/he leaves or you/he dies)


know that you long for a man to share your experience of the world with. But at the same time you feel like this yearning is wrong and you should be happy being alone.

I’m here to tell you that wanting to be with a man who loves you is the The single most important need of the feminine essence is to be love. Not to be loved but to give and receive love without expectations.

core of your feminine essence. I give you permission to want an intimate connection.

You no longer search for love but you breathe love, relax in love and radiate love. You practice giving love, moment to moment, in the

The problem is what you want is not intimacy but what you

ecstasy of surrender. The true female lover is not dependent on

have been taught a relationship should look like. Serious, long-term,

external love or even self-love, rather she is love incarnate.

committed, stitched up and secure are the words people use to describe the intimate sexual connection we have with a man. None of

I know what I just said. I just said that when you inhabit your female essence, your lover persona, you are no longer dependent on self-love. That sentence is the key to my whole transformation and

these things guarantee that you will find someone to share your moments with; in fact, it may be the very thing that prevents you from finding that special person.

what all the previous missions have been about – gratitude, surrender, letting go, communicating your needs – all practical ways to be love.

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without knowing what you will get in return. But the joy that comes

When I first started internet dating, finding a long-term

satisfied the other three criteria10 and the sexual attraction was

relationship was the last thing on my mind. I was fresh out of a

enough to make me curious to see what loving him might feel like. The

disastrous marriage and still entangled in an affair with a man who

fact that he was a brilliant kisser also tipped things in his favour11.

belonged to someone else. All I wanted to do was go out and have a There were no guarantees, no promises, no games and no

good time. The very fact that I didn’t want to ‘settle down’ made connecting with Duckfish9 possible.

agendas. We were two souls meeting in time and space for one

In the same way I began reaching out to strangers in the

for it to be perfect and just rode the wave of my sensual desire. I didn’t

beginning of my journey, I began to practice being love with someone

care about the size of my thighs, the stretch marks on my hips or my

where there was nothing to lose. They didn’t know me, there was no

rounded belly. If he didn’t like how I looked it was his problem, not

emotional history and there were no expectations of a relationship. It

mine. He liked how I looked because I didn’t care.

sounds like I was promiscuous, but I wasn’t. Purposely choosing to be Men love naked women. All types. There will be more than one

open and authentic with a date meant that there were no games and the lack of sexual chemistry was quickly apparent. Out of the twelve dates I had before I met Duckfish, I only slept with one guy because he was honest enough to say that he was only looking for someone to play with. He was sexy and sweet so I went for it. It was pretty good!

man that loves your full breasts and your generous hips as long as you don’t start feeling like you have to hide them. Remember it doesn’t matter what you think you look like, intimacy is an exercise in touch not sight (and there is much to be said for soft lighting).

When Duckfish walked up to me in the street on that Easter Monday last year, I knew I wanted to be intimate with him. He had


Duckfish is the pseudonym for my boyfriend Simon. As we are friends you can know his real name, but it looked funny when I started using Simon on the page so I went back to Duckfish.


The three pillars of a relationship are emotional (you like each other the same amount), intellectual (similar level of education/experience), and spiritual (believe in the same spiritual ideals). The fourth pillar is physical chemistry/attraction. 11 Someone said that if a man is average in bed you can always teach him but if he’s an average kisser then you’re stuck with it!

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delicious evening. I was my crazy emotional self, letting go of the need

It’s scary to explore your sensuality with an acquaintance because what happens if you fall for him? Well, he’ll either like you back or not. If you’re emotionally unmatched the relationship stops working anyway. Better to know sooner than later. Does it hurt? Perhaps … but no more than longing and yearning

emptiness inside with food and alcohol. Being love with someone just for one night is far better than being too scared to try because you’re afraid it might hurt.

’m not telling you to sleep with the next guy you go out with but I am asking you to be fully open, loving and vulnerable the next time you go on a date. It will scare some men away, it will

fascinate others, but it will confirm to you that you can be real and still be attractive. It’s a tough mission. Give it a try. Then tell your closest

girlfriend what it was like in graphic detail. Show up in truth, show up in love and see how it feels.

because I cocked up my own marriage! But I do know a few things about men and maybe this advice will help you

understand what’s going on and put the spark back into your relationship. Men aren’t all about love. They enjoy love, they want to be with a radiant, confident woman, but if they were forced to make a decision at gun point, they’d choose dedicating themselves to their mission in

Single girl’s mission



ou know I’m not the right person to give marriage advice

life. This usually shows up as their job. There is nothing they enjoy more than solving problems, putting out fires, rescuing the wounded and making a difference in the world. You need them because they are focused and grounded (think of a lighthouse) and they need you because you are free and wild (think of the sea). Nothing you will do will change that. You just have to make sure that when he is with you he spends quality time with you. You need to remind him to be present. The kissing experiment is one of the easiest ways to get things heated up. The next time he kisses you, pause and ask him to try something. Ask him to not think about anything but the kiss – how it feels and how it tastes – and ask him to breathe you. It’s hard to

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for the touch of another person and never getting it. Or filling up that

For the married girl

explain what that means but it’s like he breathes into his belly the air

around like a mad thing and you’re exhausted. He only hears that you

you exhale. You will feel the difference when he’s totally there with

don’t want him and he’s no longer desirable to you.

you and when his mind wanders off. When that happens, remind him to come back to you.

The solution of course is to have more sex, but I know it’s not as simple as that. In the interest of practical baby steps, let’s start with something easier. Tell him today that he looks handsome and you’re so

no, not THOSE two things! He wants you to believe in his dreams and

lucky to have such a sexy man in your life. When he gets undressed,

he wants to feel desired. I can tell you from experience that a man

comment on his cute bum. When he’s taking out the garbage, notice

strays because another woman listens to his crazy plans without

the muscles in his arms. He doesn’t care that he’s not the best looking

judgement and tells him how desirable he is. As wives or long-term

man in the world; he just wants to know that you find him desirable.

partners our words and actions can cause deep wounds that

Tell him.

sometimes never heal.

As most of this section has been about how you interact with

The next time your man tells you how he’s going to climb Mt

your partner, the last piece is for you. When your partner makes love

Everest before he’s 50, don’t point out that he’s unfit, hasn’t got the

to you, allow him to give you all the attention. Men get more turned on

money and has used up all his holiday leave. Don’t tell him it’s a stupid

by your reaction to their efforts than they do by their own pleasure.

idea. Instead, encourage him to dream as big as he likes and let him

Tell him that you’re tired but you really want him so you’re going to

know that if he really wants it bad enough, he’ll find a way to make it

just lay back and enjoy the ride. Don’t feel guilty, don’t think about

happen. Men have large egos. It will transform your relationship if you

him, let him focus his attention on making you feel sexually aroused.

support him rather than tear him down.

Let him know it’s working. Be vocal; gently guide him, surrender to

Every time you tell your husband that you’re too tired for sex

him. He’ll love it, I promise and so will you.

or you’re not in the mood he doesn’t get that you’ve been running

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The other thing about men is that they only want two things –

Married girl’s mission

strong. Let her know that she will never frighten you away. Enjoy that she is different to you. Assure her that no matter


et him be the master of his domain at work but when he comes

how bad it gets, you’re there for her.

home make being with you the most amazing place in the •

world. Be love for him. Love that asks him to be present. Love

Go back for the girl. At the end of a hard day when you’ve rescued all the hostages from the French embassy, don’t

that supports him and desires him. And love that is willing to receive

forget to go back for the girl. She’s the one that makes

what he offers. I’d suggest a star chart but that might be going a bit too far …

there and you don’t have to do it on your own.

For the boy


Bonus : You are sexier than you think

f you’re a man reading this then I hope seeing things from a woman’s perspective has enlightened you. I have some quick tips on how to make a woman fall in love and stay in love with you. •

Perform unexpected small acts of kindness ~ take out the garbage, make the bed, buy her a flower, call her during the day ~ small things matter not the big ones.

The way to her juicy bits is through her heart. Tell her she


n my ‘before’ life, when I was working so hard towards being lean and healthy, I used to have a vision board filled with pictures of figure competitors. They were my inspiration. I focused on those

pictures believing I would create what I put my attention on. The law of attraction didn’t let me down – I did end up with a similar body – but instead of feeling pleased I still felt lacking and panicked that a couple of meals would snatch the look I longed for away from me.

is beautiful, wonderful and inspiring. Don’t worry if she argues with you, just keep telling her. Say “I’m loving you,”

I was always comparing myself to someone who had different


genes and different reasons for wanting to look that way. I could only

Don’t react to her changing moods. Instead, stand like a

see the external version of that woman. I had no idea whether she

lighthouse in the middle of a storm – constant, grounded,

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saving the world possible in the first place. It’s tough out

thrived on the thrill of pushing her body to extremes or if she was

inclined to agree. Somehow white women have been taught our goal

punishing herself because she didn’t know what else to do.

should be to look like the rail thin models on the runways in Europe.

When I vowed to never diet again I got rid of all those pictures

To counteract this indoctrination, surround yourself with

and unsubscribed to the body building blogs and forums. I did

photos of all sorts of women. Find women to put on your vision board

something that made a huge difference in

who don’t look anything like the ones in the magazines. Look for beauty in the swell of a breast, the curve of a waist and the smoothness of skin that has

I started looking at blogs that celebrated women in all their shapes and sizes. Big women, normal women and

some fat under it. Look for shapes that are similar to yours and enjoy those who are different.

boyish looking women all fascinated me. I wasn’t immune from comparing myself to

I believe that part of the reason we are

them and sometimes my thoughts were

told that we need to be thin and young to be

unkind (“at least I don’t look that bad”) but

attractive is it’s a way to contain our female

most of the time I marvelled at the way

energy. As the object of men’s sexual desire

women could be beautiful just by thinking

we have great power. In times past, the

they were.

church kept woman under control ruling that we couldn’t be passionate and sensual

It has been said that wanting to

without first entering into a marriage contract with a man.

look young and skinny is the domain of white woman. When I see African American and Latino women loving their curvy bodies I am

These days, the pressure from the church has diminished. So instead of keeping us under control within the confines of marriage,

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my recovery.

society tells us that unless we are beautiful, young and slender, we can’t possibly be sexually attractive. By believing this lie we are giving away our power. The truth is no matter how you measure up to the impossible standard of air brushed models; you are sexier than you think. The

the love matrix

only prerequisite for beauty is confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. You deserve to be wanted, ravished and satisfied. You are a work of art. You are gloriously intuitive, emotional, impulsive and heart centred. Don’t let society take away from you your femininity which is a gift to the world. Every time you love someone, every time you hold a man’s heart in your hands, you transform your life and the life of those around you. You were born with a strong female essence because you have a mission to be love and to be loved. Every day you believe that you are less than desirable you are missing out on your life. Step into your beauty. Claim your feminine power. Be sexy.

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The Goddess | in your heart

When the goddess connects with her divine essence, she connects with others, her body, her emotions, the earth and the

Goddesses are love.

world, the unconscious mind and an understanding of the universal laws of







interdependent. When we inhabit our goddess persona we become our true selves – perfectly flawed and divinely human. It is

She understands how to transform situations, influence people, and make dreams a reality. She is

the last step we take in becoming love, loved and loving.

divine, guiding, nurturing and intuitive. The spiritual awakening you see all over the planet is an effect of the divine goddess being reborn in each of us. The goddess is both light and shadow and she understands, as it is with nature so it is with her. There are cycles of creation and destruction,

nurturing and devouring, birth and death, giving and taking away. She embraces her dark nature because she knows that in endings there are always beginnings.

Let her not worry, not fear, not be anxious, the woman who feels her inner-self deserted, haunted by lack of belief and weakness, full of darkness and aridness; let her not mind these in the least.

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he goddess archetype represents the inner


We’re all like you


ou are the person who bears the same burden of life as everyone else. Perhaps you think there is something wrong with you because everyone else seems to be so much more

together than you are, but we’re all sharing the same secrets.

If you’ve got a headache take a pill


f you wake up with a headache in the morning you go to the bathroom cabinet and take a pain killer. No one expects you to endure the throbbing pain and doesn’t judge you weak for taking

something to give you relief. It is the same things with emotions. Our emotional reactions,

wounded and hurt. It’s what life’s all about. No one escapes the

both good and bad, have stayed with us throughout evolution because

darkness and lives only in the light.

they are valuable. Emotions occur as a physical reaction. Sometimes they are automatic (jumping at a loud noise) and sometimes they are

Know that you are strong because you have survived this far. Know that you are doing everything that anyone in your situation could be expected to do. Know that wanting peace, love and joy affirms you are heading in the right direction. You are love already. You don’t have to create it or increase it or work hard to give it and receive it. Love is something that flows through you. Always. Sometimes things get in the way of the flow but like a river, the water will find a way around the obstacle in its path.

created by our own thoughts (crying at a sad movie). It makes us physically sick when we try to suppress our emotions instead of expressing them. But you can still take the edge off – you don’t have to endure great discomfort without some help. This is where I think the ‘comfort’ eating message gets blurred. When my husband committed suicide I was understandably an emotional mess. Some of the time I could express what I felt, but other times the pain kept me from getting on with my life (like that bad headache). I took a pain killer and in my case my painkiller was food. Although I never ate until I was sick like the old binging days, I ate food to feel better rather than just when I was hungry.

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We’ve all been bruised, abused, disappointed, betrayed,

When you hear this story I’m sure you don’t think I was weak

if you can paint or if you can write and become totally absorbed in

or without strength of character. You probably think I was doing what

doing it, then you have a direct pathway to your authentic self. You

I needed to get through a rough patch. I had a headache and I needed a

learn the most about yourself when you drop all logic, reason, linear


structure and concern for cause and effect. Allow yourself to work on something in which you can flow and drift. Give yourself space to listen My point is that no one expects you to live a life without a bit of

to that quiet voice that whispers to you and follow its lead.

Your mission

can have a drink when you come home frazzled, and you can forget your heartache in the arms of someone else. If you look for a way to get relief you’re not broken, you’re just hurting.

haven’t done for years. Carve out time in your day to connect

There is no practical exercise to go with this section. All I wanted to do was tell you you’re OK exactly the way you are. Maybe if you know this, some of your self-judgement will slip away …

Your true gifts



nce a week do something that you used to love doing but

with the part of you that remains untouched by your life

experience. Maybe you haven’t painted since you were a kid, maybe you haven’t danced since you left high school but it’s never too late. Like riding a bike you won’t have forgotten how to do it. You might be a bit

t is no accident that when I was consumed with how I looked and running from the problems in my life that I gave up photography and wrote nothing more than what I ate and how much I weighed.

wobbly at first but before too long your body and your heart will remember the joy and slide back into the familiar pleasure of inhabiting your unique gifts.

Our creative energy is directly linked to our goddess essence. Think of the thing that you love to do and the tasks that make you lose track of time. This is where your true gift lies. If you can sing,

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help along the way. You can have a cupcake when your cat dies, you

Bonus: Bypass your brain


here are many activities that bypass the cognitive part of our brain and connect with the underlying core of our being. It is difficult for me to explain them in a book so I will leave you

with a range of options you can explore on your own.

● EFT (emotional freedom technique or tapping)



Meditation and mindfulness



Tai Chi

You that have no faith and have no light; giving them to others you will have them, too.


Did you know there are three types of orgasms – clitoral, vaginal and cervical? I’d love to tell you about them but it would take another whole book!

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Where’s the bit about the binging?


aybe you have come here looking for the secret of how I

Go and play … That’s my secret to ending binging.

gave up binging. I don’t want you to be mad at me for not talking about it so here’s the bit you’ve been waiting for.

With that, I’m done ~ but you’re not quite finished yet ~ there’s one final mission …

The reason I healed from my obsession with food is because I

the love matrix

stopped thinking about it. After a few weeks of following an intuitive eating path that said I should write everything down, I rebelled and decided that I didn’t care anymore. But instead of doing nothing, I began learning about something I knew nothing about. My choice was spirituality and the relationship between my human experience and the unseen world but it could have been anything. I stopped dwelling on what went into my mouth and concentrated on something more interesting, different and challenging. My final advice in this book is to find a new hobby. I’m not talking about your true gift from the previous section; I’m talking about being an absolute beginner and having a go. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect, don’t worry if you take forever to get the hang of the new thing, just put your attention on something that will stretch you, surprise you and give you space to make mistakes without any consequences.

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The final mission

My Twitter account will get updated when you retweet this report, so Iʼll know when you do it.


o you think this book is valuable? If so, why not complete the final love mission by spreading the word?

Click on the link below to share this book with all of your friends and family on Facebook.

There are two things Iʼd love for you to do:

There is a quick feedback survey about this book, and it is only three questions long. To take it, go to: #2 - Share The Love!

Thank you so much ♥ (there’s only one page to go …)

Simply click on the link below to retweet this book to all of your friends on Twitter. Youʼll be taken to Twitter, where all you have to do is click the tweet button.

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#1 - A Super-Quick Survey

Want more?


here’s so much more I can share with you about the four

how to love what you see in the mirror

simple strategies to increase the time you spend with the people you love

specific techniques to experience sacred, heart stopping sex

increased radiance, warmth and connection in your relationships

quadrants of the Love Matrix but thirty-four pages is a lot of information to take in at once.

If you find this book resonates with you, I’d love for you to take

>> Over six months, I will personally show you how to become a woman who is relaxed, confident, radiant, easy to talk to, and uses her

Take a look. It might be something you’re interested in. >>

I look forward to meeting you somewhere in my corner of the internet. Don’t be a stranger. You are loved.

short time on earth to do what matters rather than please others. You will learn ~ •

simple actions you can take every day to live with an open heart

how to let go of anger, frustration and anxiety and react with compassion

how to be more confident, sexy, decisive and brave

ways to release the importance of other people's opinions of you

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a look at the Love Matrix Project here:

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