The Trouble With Emily Dickinson

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The Trouble with Emily Dickinson
by Lyndsey D’Arcangelo Copyright 2012 by Lyndsey D’Arcangelo Cover and Book Design: Publishing yndicate !dited by "heresa !lders Published by Publishing yndicate at #ash$ords Print !dition % B& '()*0*')+0,02*1*Digital !dition % B& '()*0*'*)+0,02*2*0 Library o. Congress Control &u#ber 2012'-0')) All rights reserved/ Thank you for downloading this free e-book. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support. Published in the 0nited tates by Publishing yndicate P1 Bo2 ,0( 1rangevale3 Cali.ornia '+,,2 http !!www."ublishingSyndicate.com This book is dedicated to the young poets and dreamers of the world.

“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops all.” #mily $ickinson

CHAPTER
“My river runs to thee: Blue sea, wilt welcome me ” The words lingered in %%&s ears, compelling her lips to move along the edges of the syllables. The coffee shop was bathed in dim light, e'cept for the spotlight that held the woman centered on stage as she captured the packed crowd with #mily $ickinson&s poetry. %% sat at a table off in a corner by herself, her cobalt blue journal opened wide. She glanced down at the pages of rhymes and rhythmic phrases she&d never once shared with another human being. Though she&d been attending The Spot&s (riday night open readings since her freshman year at private school, %% never before had come to fulfill a class assignment. That would have mi'ed business with pleasure. )nfortunately, that was what she was doing at this very moment* mi'ing business with pleasure. +,y river waits reply. -h sea, look graciously./ The woman reciting these words was %%&s creative writing teacher, ,rs. 0lark. She&d re1uired the class to attend a poetry reading dedicated to #mily $ickinson. -ne by one, other students took the stage to read a poem from $ickinson&s body of work. Thankfully, this wasn&t mandatory, so %% could sit 1uietly in the corner and blend in with the crowd, as if she weren&t even there. She was a fan of $ickinson, of course, but not enough of a fan to brave the stage and read a poem outloud to the audience. 2er stage fright always got the best of her. The host of the open reading, a short man wearing s1uare black-framed glasses who worked the coffee counter during the day, took the microphone and e'pressed his thanks for the large turnout. %% remembered he&d once taken her for a boy. Since she wore her hair cut short, with bleached-blond tips, usually board-stiff from gobs of gel, her soft tomboyish appearance confused him and he&d mistakenly called her +sir./ %% had simply blinked back at him. 2e&d immediately recogni3ed his mistake and offered her numerous apologies, along with a free cappuccino. She dismissed it as a misunderstanding, knowing he hadn&t done it on purpose. -thers had made far harsher comments about her ambiguous appearance before, and not one of those people had ever offered her a fresh cappuccino to save face. 4hen the winning performance of the night was announced, %% wasn&t the least bit surprised to see one of the students in her own writing class walk up on stage, smiling widely in her sunshine-colored get-up. 2er name was -livia. -livia 5reen. 6ow that&s a writer&s name, thought %%. ,uch more colorful than her own cow-milking farmhand name of %osephine %enkins. 4hen she was a child, she&d responded to everything from %osie to %o, but decided to call herself %% before she came to Sampson. She believed that going by her initials introduced

elements of curiosity and originality, themes she liked to showcase at the forefront of her personality. After she left the coffee house, %% shuffled along the broken sidewalk toward campus. As she walked her flip-flops, smacking against her heels, kept up a soothing beat. She reali3ed if she sped up just a bit, the beat would change. She tucked her journal under her left arm like a tightly kept secret. She wondered if she would ever muster up enough courage to step up on that stage and share such secrets with the world. Though she knew deep inside that she was as talented as the rest, a self-deprecating fear constantly gripped at her sides and held her back. A rumble echoed in the distance. The night&s predicted thunderstorm grew closer. %% leaned against a flickering lamppost, and then slid down to the sidewalk. 2er blueberry-colored sweatshirt itched against her back as she reached into her baggy shorts for her pen. She chewed on its end for a moment, as words played in her head. 7ightning flashed, making its mark on the sky. Then a thunderous crash shook the air. %% focused her attention back onto the blank page in her journal. She scratched out the words in her nearly illegible penmanship !"A# $%" &'M()" *$#+, T'%,, -%A&&-M'%. yet, undenia/ly T$#T-$-& *hen 'T #"A0H"& TH" H"A#T in my chest, causing 'T T$ ($-%+ *hen 'T T#A1")& TH" )'MB& of my /ody, causing TH"M T$ T#"MB)" *hen 'T &""(& into my mind, causing TH$-.HT& T$ &0ATT"# *hen 'T +*"))& in the pit of my stomach, causing 'T T$ &('% $%" &'M()" *$#+2 "%+)"&& "3'&T"%0" 0an4t ' 5ust "#A&" 'T !#$M M, M'%+ 8aindrops began to spot the page, smudging the ink. %% tilted her head, and with her eyes tightly shut let the water tickle her face. If she sat there long enough, she hoped the rain would wash away all of her fear. A smooth black 9,4 slowed and stopped at the curb beside her. Though the windows were tinted, %% knew who was behind the wheel. :ueenie ,c9ride, heiress to the throne of the ,c9ride #state, rolled down the window. 2er long blonde hair was pulled back into a baseball cap and her almond colored eyes were barely visible in the darkness. She happily wore her usual smug e'pression on her long face. It somehow lent her the appearance of a seasoned woman, someone aware of the comple'ities of life. ;nown in <irginia as the con1uerors of the cotton industry, the ,c9ride family could trace their lineage back to before the 0ivil 4ar. They owned a plantation where slaves once had worked their lands. :ueenie despised her family roots and everything they stood for. 2er revenge was to spend her parents& money as frivolously as possible. -f course, there was the added shock value of being a lesbian. It wasn&t the only thing that she and %% had in common, but it planted the seed from which their friendship grew. +4hat are you doing=/ :ueenie asked in an accusatory tone. +Are you finding yourself again=/ +I&m e'ercising my right of creative e'pression./ +0are if I interrupt=/

+$o I have a choice=/ +6ot if you want a ride back to school./ %% reluctantly closed her journal and climbed into the front seat. :ueenie hit a button on the radio that sent the Indigo 5irls blaring in surround sound. +6ew speakers,/ :ueenie yelled above the music, pointing to the back of the car. As they headed on to the school grounds, :ueenie began to sing. 4ithin seconds, %% joined in and their voices blended with the music. They entered the conservative bubble of Sampson Academy with :ueenie riding the high of buying her new state-of-the-art speakers at her parents& e'pense while %% tried desperately to erase the word fear from her mind.

CHAPTER !
4ith the rain falling outside her open window, ;endal ,c0arthy was finding it hard to concentrate on #mily $ickinson&s poetry. She lay on her stomach, staring at the words on the page as if they were written in 5reek. (or some reason, school was something that had never been easy for her. She had to study hard just to keep a 9 average. In public school, she&d coasted easily. )nfortunately, when she transferred to Sampson Academy during her freshman year, ;endal discovered she wasn&t prepared for the serious kind of studying that private high school courses re1uired. $uring the better part of her junior year, her grade point average slipped so low her parents had threatened to pull her out of Sampson altogether. If she wanted to graduate with the rest of her class, ;endal had no other choice but to seek help. 4ith a little tutoring on the side and an obligatory willingness to do her homework instead of partying, she managed to pull her grades back up. 2er hardest class this semester was 4omen&s 7iterature, and she&d decided to get some help after she received a low grade on an essay assignment. ;endal pulled her small frame off the bed and stood in front of the full-length mirror, which hung between the two single beds in her room. 2er hair was cut in a layered angle just below her neckline and was the color of auburn leaves preparing to fall. The greenish-blue tint of her eyes seemed to change color depending upon the way the light hit them. 2er face was heartshaped with a slight curve angling along her cheekbones. She was pretty and she&d always known she was pretty. 5ood genes her mother had told her, you were blessed with a good-looks gene. ;endal sighed. The fact that she was beautiful used to satisfy her. At one point it had been enough. 9ut she&d grown tired of it somewhere along the way. This was her senior year at Sampson and she felt as if something was missing, some unforgettable e'perience that would help her figure out who she was and who she wanted to be. A vacant space e'isted inside of her and nothing had been able to fill it, not cheerleading, not her friends, not her looks, not even her popularity. 6othing. She could hear the rest of the girls of $eacon 2all running around the dorm getting ready to venture out for the night. Their vivacious laughter only reminded her that she wouldn&t be joining them. Instead of partaking in common adolescent delin1uencies with the rest of the students at Sampson, she and some random tutor were going to be nose-deep in #mily $ickinson.

The door to her room swung open. 0hristine, her roommate and fellow cheerleader, barged in and s1uealed, +4e&re getting ready to go out. 0ome join./ ;endal hissed at the re1uest. +I probably shouldn&t show up late to a tutoring session,/ she said smartly. +>ou&re such a good student. >ou do know that ;yan is going to be at this party, right=/ +>es, you only told me a billion times at dinner./ +>ou sure you can&t skip this=/ +>es, so 1uit asking./ +(ine,/ 0hristine raised her hand into the air. +2appy studying, then. And um*don&t wait up for me./ ;endal fought the overwhelming urge to join everyone in the ne't room and fill her ears with the latest school gossip*until she spotted the open book out of the corner of her eye. 2er stomach turned with guilt. After gathering her things, she pulled #mily $ickinson off the bed and slid the book of poetry into her backpack. She left the dorm as fast as she could, knowing that if she lingered any longer she might get swept up in the commotion. The rain had slowed to a dri33le and the mild wind felt cool against her cheeks. She crossed the soggy lawn listening to the sounds of the campus come alive in the damp air. Sampson Academy was a small private high school with a small-town feel. It took only about five minutes to walk across the entire campus. ;endal took one last look across the 1uad toward her dorm and then up the road at ,arlon 2all, the dorm where the all the soccer players lived and where all her friends would be hanging out. She ga3ed longingly at the colonial building until she felt her backpack rub against her shoulder, reminding her that #mily $ickinson was waiting for her.

CHAPTER "
+A hundred and ten dollars for a new pair of 6ike shoes=/ %% dribbled the basketball between her legs. +I can&t believe you spent that much./ +Actually, I got a discount because I bought them online,/ :ueenie e'plained. She was standing under the basket waiting for %% to shoot the ball. +9esides, I needed to improve my vertical./ +The most technically advanced 6ikes couldn&t help you with your vertical./ %% knew full well that at si' feet tall, :ueenie didn&t need any help jumping in order to get a clear shot at the basket. +It&s my parents& money, so what do you care=/ +I don&t./ +5ood. Shoot the ball./ %% launched the ball into the air and it swished through the net. :ueenie caught it and passed it back. %% dribbled to the foul line, crossed over and shot again. The ball sank gracefully through the hoop. +0an&t stop me tonight./ she shouted, as she peeked at the clock on the wall. 2er heart sank instantly. +)h oh./ +4hat=/ :ueenie asked, as she laid the ball up easily against the backboard.

%% picked up her cell phone to check her calendar. +I completely forgot. I&m supposed to be tutoring at the library right now./ +So you&re late, don&t go./ %% already was sprawled on the floor, struggling to untie the knots in her shoes. +I can&t just skip it. )nlike you, I have to work for my money./ +I resent that,/ :ueenie said, s1uee3ing the basketball with both hands. +It takes hard work to ask my parents for money. It re1uires a certain skill, persistence and the wit of a seasoned con artist./ +-h, yeah, I&m sure it must be a struggle to go through life as a ,c9ride./ %% slid one leg into her warm-ups, trying to shove her things into her gym bag at the same time. :ueenie stepped over to let %% use her lanky frame for support. +I can&t help it if my parents are incredibly wealthy,/ she said. +At least I get to reap the benefits./ +7ucky you./ +So what illiterate soccer player are you tutoring tonight, anyway=/ %% slipped her flip-flops on and took the ball from :ueenie&s hands. +6o soccer player tonight. I drew the hot ticket in the lottery this time./ +0heerleader=/ %% nodded. +Seriously= 4ho=/ +6one other than the homecoming 1ueen herself, T2# ;endal ,c0arthy./ :ueenie raised an eyebrow. +4ell, then, you best get a move on. $on&t want to keep little ,iss ,c0arthy waiting./ +I&m sure she&s trembling with anticipation./ %% threw on her navy baseball cap and slung her gym bag over her shoulder. +$o me a favor and stay out of trouble tonight, will you= 4e have an early practice tomorrow./ +5ee, okay, ,om. I&ll be good, I promise./ %% ignored :ueenie&s retort and hurried out of the athletic center. It was a 1uarter past nine and she was supposed to have been at the library at e'actly ? p.m. to meet ;endal. She sped up her pace as she crossed the street and headed across the lawn. The rain-soaked grass dampened her socks and she wished she&d been wearing sneakers instead of flip-flops. -ther students passed her, giggling and laughing. The weekend had begun. ,aintaining a solid reputation had become an essential way of life at Sampson Academy. %% had yet to step foot into a soccer party, or even the boys& dormitory for that matter. She and her basketball teammates had formed their own cli1ue to help deal with the stereotypes that came with being female athletes at a private school full of over-privileged kids. $uring her freshman year, %% had entertained the idea of joining a few campus organi3ations because she longed to be a part of something other than basketball. 9ut :ueenie had steered her away from anything and everything superficial. So %% belonged to a group of non-conformists made up of straight-edged kids who neither drank nor smoked, nor cheated on tests. Some were athletes, some social outcasts, and some were studious kids who, like %%, just didn&t fit the so-called Sampson student profile. There was a certain pride in being part of that group, something that said, +I don&t need to fit in or be popular./ :ueenie had instilled that pride in %%, and she felt forever in :ueenie&s debt. The "age 7ibrary was 1uieter than the campus outside. As its air of calm eased into her ears, %% felt her body rela'. She searched around the room, filled with tables and countless rows of books. It wasn&t hard to spot ;endal. She was the only other student in the library and she was

sitting at the farthest table from the door, ne't to the biography section. %% walked up behind her and set her bag down on the table. +I&m really sorry,/ she said breathlessly. +I was shooting hoops in the athletic center and lost track of time./ ;endal stopped te'ting and looked up from her cell phone, seemingly unconcerned with the fact that %% had been late. She was dressed casually in a pale pink hoodie and jeans. +>ou&re my tutor=/ she asked. %% promptly removed her hat and ran her hand through her short hair, +4hat= $on&t I look the part=/ +I guess I was e'pecting someone who looked a little more*studious./ %% cracked a confident smile and pulled out a chair to sit down. +4ell, don&t let my jock e'terior fool you. I can actually read and write somewhat well./ There was an edge to her voice she hadn&t 1uite intended. +I&m sorry,/ ;endal said 1uickly. +I didn&t mean anything by that./ +It&s okay,/ %% e'tended her hand. +I was just joking. I&m %%./ ;endal reached across the table and shook her hand cautiously. +I&ve seen you around school. >ou&re ;endal, right=/ ;endal nodded, a little shamefully. +I bet you&re not surprised to be tutoring a cheerleader. >ou must get us and the soccer team all of the time./ %% smiled. +The soccer team and I go way back./ +That&s what I thought./ +Seriously though, I tutor a lot of different people. Some are soccer players and others are just regular students who are having trouble grasping a subject. #veryone needs help now and then./ +I&ve always had trouble in school,/ ;endal confessed. +It&s something I have had to work harder at. I have friends who can wake up after a late night out, go to class and pass a test without even studying. I&d give anything to be able to do that./ +,y friend, :ueenie, is like that,/ said %%. She ran her hand through her hair again, something she often did when she was stuck on what to say ne't. +9ut I always tell her that college isn&t as easy as high school, and that she should start getting in the habit of studying now. It&s a completely different kind of reality. So, it&s good you are learning how to study and put the work in. >ou&ll be much more prepared ne't year in college./ +I guess I never looked at it that way,/ said ;endal. %% suddenly imagined :ueenie&s image appearing over ;endal&s left shoulder. :ueenie would be rolling her eyes so far to the side of her head that they&d practically pop out of her ear. %% reali3ed she&d started to sound like a motivational speaker. +So*what seems to be the problem with 4omen&s 7iterature=/ ;endal emitted a dramatic groan. +I feel like I don&t understand what any of these authors are saying. 4hen we discuss a poem in class, or when ,s. 0hin e'plains what a poem means, I don&t understand where everybody&s coming from. I&m completely lost. I might as well be reading a foreign language./ %% understood ;endal&s frustration, though she couldn&t relate to it. 7iterature and poetry always had been easy for her, and since she was a writer herself, she had little trouble comprehending abstract ideas or appreciating originality. +4ell, let&s take a look at the poem you have to write about for tomorrow&s class. ,s. 0hin has her students write a one-page response to readings, right=/

+)nfortunately, my responses don&t even make up half a page./ %% turned the book around to face her and noticed that ;endal wouldn&t be able to look at it upside down. +,aybe it&s better if you sit ne't to me,/ she said. +%ust so we can read it together./ ;endal switched chairs and accidentally brushed her leg against %%&s in the process. It distracted her, stealing her attention away from the book momentarily. %% looked up from the page, fully aware that ;endal was staring at her. As soon as their eyes met she looked away, yet something sweet lingered in the air around them. +>ou smell nice,/ %% heard herself say, wincing when she reali3ed what she&d said. +I mean *your shampoo*it smells nice, like fruity or something./ +)m*thanks,/ ;endal said. +I mean, you know,/ %% rambled on, to break the ensuing awkward silence. +It smells like strawberries or something like that./ +Thanks./ ;endal repositioned her body in the chair and cleared her throat. She was nervous for some reason and for a second she forgot why she was even in the library until she saw the book of poetry open in front of them. +So, I read this twice and I still don&t get it,/ she said, pointing at the page. %% followed the lines of the poem with her inde' finger. +-kay. (irst off*the trouble with #mily $ickinson is that she writes ambiguously, meaning a lot of the words that she uses aren&t meant to be taken literally./ +>ou mean what she&s saying in the poem isn&t really what people think she&s saying=/ +Sort of. See, $ickinson wrote ambiguously because that&s just the way she wrote. She knew what the poems meant and that was all that mattered to her. She never intended them to be published because she was afraid that readers would interpret them in ways she didn&t want them to. Some scholars tend to refer to her as a @private poet,& because it wasn&t until after her death that her talent for poetic e'pression was discovered and ultimately became respected by others./ +That&s kind of depressing that she wasn&t discovered until after her death. 4as she afraid to share her work or something=/ +I don&t know./ %% picked at the page with her fingers. +I don&t think that matters. There are plenty of talented writers out there who prefer to keep their poetry to themselves./ +It seems like a waste of time, though. 4hy even write if you aren&t going to share your work with other people=/ +Some people don&t need approval from others in order to call themselves writers,/ said %%, looking up from the book. +It isn&t as important as you might think./ +All that I&m saying is*/ +0an we get back to the poem=/ ;endal bit back her words and proceeded to read the ne't few lines out loud. +A long, long sleep, a famous sleep. That makes no show for dawn. 9y stretch of limb or stir of lid. An independent one./ She paused and looked up from the page. +Is that about a nap=/ +4ell, more like the kind of nap you don&t wake up from,/ said %%. +8ead the last two lines./ +To bask centuries away, not once look up for noon . . . bask centuries away . . . she&s talking about death, right= A long, long sleep./ +5ood. 6ow you&re reading between the lines. And that&s one of the keys to reading poetry./ They discussed the poem at length, along with a few others for over an hour. ;endal struggled to make sense of most of them, but found comfort in %%&s encouragement.

+It might help if you learned a little bit about $ickinson&s background. ;nowing where authors came from and what they&re about can help you understand their writing better./ +In what way=/ +4ell, for instance, one of the themes $ickinson often writes about is love. -nly she wrote about it as a thing to be felt and not just a thing to be said. "oetry gave her a way to e'plore the feeling of love to the fullest e'tent, in a way most people never let themselves e'perience./ It didn&t take %% long to notice that ;endal was staring at her again. +4hat did I say=/ +6othing,/ said ;endal. She blinked and looked away, as if she were keeping a secret. +It&s easy to see why you&re such a good tutor. I learned more about #mily $ickinson in the last hour than I have my entire life./ She closed the book and tapped at the cover. +>ou were highly recommended to me by my advisor, you know. 2e said you were one of the best. ,ost tutors I&ve had come off sounding condescending. It&s as if they assume I&m an idiot because I&m a cheerleader./ +I didn&t think that./ +I&m sure you had some preconceived notions though./ +"ossibly,/ %% admitted. +9ut no more than what you thought about me when I first got here. >ou said it yourself, you were e'pecting someone a bit more studious, remember=/ +4ell, we&re even then./ %% began to pack up her things and pointed to ;endal&s folder. +I think you&ve got a good amount of notes to write your one-page response for your class tomorrow,/ she said. ;endal looked over the scribbles in her notebook. +Are you kidding= I think I actually have enough to write at least five pages./ %% studied her, admiring the child-like e'pression on her face. It was then that she reali3ed she&d never really seen ;endal ,c0arthy up close. She was more than beautiful. +4hat=/ ;endal asked. +6othing,/ said %%. It was her turn to look away this time. +I should get back to my dorm. I&ve got some reading to do and we have an early practice tomorrow./ She slowly packed the rest of her things into her gym bag, slid her hat on backwards, and then checked around and under the table making sure she hadn&t forgotten anything. +I&ll see you ne't session,/ she said finally. +Same place, same time, e'cept I&ll be on time./ +>eah, same time,/ ;endal said, laughing. She picked up her cell phone and added the date in her calendar. %% stood still for half a second longer, letting the sound of ;endal&s laughter sweep over her before she turned to leave. She walked back to her dorm room reliving each moment of their interaction in her head, recalling the tidbits of conversation, and the warm sensation she felt whenever ;endal accidentally brushed against her. The dorm room was empty when %% entered, though she could hear the television in the common room. She knew that :ueenie probably was watching a movie. She and :ueenie roomed together and shared a suite with two other members of the basketball team. 6ot wanting to be interrogated about what happened during her tutoring session with ;endal, %% 1uietly changed into a pair of bo'er shorts and a T-shirt, and climbed onto her top bunk without saying goodnight. She ran her hand underneath her pillow and pulled out another journal. This one she kept in her bed in case she ever woke up from a dream and needed to write her thoughts down on paper before they vanished from her mind like midnight fog.

A number two pencil, with its end chewed ragged and sides hapha3ardly gnawed, fell out from between the pages. Sitting with her legs crossed, %% closed her eyes and breathed in long and heavy before she e'haled an e1ually long sigh. She did this for a few minutes to clear the clouds in her head until nothing remained but a clear white space, an empty room in which the thoughts inside could move about freely 4hile a sense of 1uiet draped over her like a 1uilt, an image of ;endal appeared in %%&s mind. The picture seemed as real as if they were still together in the library, sitting side by side, discussing the intricacies of #mily $ickinson&s poetry. 4hen %% opened her eyes, the writer inside of her had taken hold. She scrawled words rapidly across the blank pages of her journal. Beyond your eyes, ' see it . . . a moment, a feeling, a /reath A second to say the words that never leave your lips And then it4s gone )eaving /ehind a sensation Tingling in my heart )ingering in the air Ma6ing me wish That the moment never ended Ma6ing me hope To feel it again But ' imagine That ne7t time The words will flow The moment will last The /reathing will speed And emotions will reveal *hat lies patiently Beyond your eyes 4hen she finished, %% sat back and admired her work. She whispered the poem out loud to herself in the safe confines of an empty room where she felt secure that no one else could hear her.

CHAPTER #
+4ild nights. 4ild nights./ +6o, no. 8ead it with more enthusiasm,/ said %%. ;endal raised her voice slightly. +4ild nights. 4ild nights./ %% looked at her skeptically. +4hat=/ ;endal asked. +$o you even reali3e what $ickinson is writing about here=/ +A wild night=/

+The way you read it you&d think the poem was about a boring night./ %% glanced around to make sure that the library was empty. Then she grabbed the poetry book and pushed her chair away from the table. She stood up firm and bellowed, +4I7$ nights. 4I7$ nights. 4ere I with thee, 4I7$ nights should be our lu'ury./ ;endal looked on in ama3ement. +4ow,/ she said. +See the difference=/ +>eah. 9ut I&m more impressed with the way you read it than I am with the poem./ %% forced a smile, even though her stomach was in knots. 2ad there been a single soul sitting anywhere near them, she would have never dared to do what she had just done. 9ut she had to in order to get her point across about $ickinson&s poetry. +I&m just doing the poem justice,/ she said. +I&m giving it the enthusiasm that $ickinson intended./ +So she&s talking about a cra3y, wild night. 4as she at a party or something=/ +;endal,/ said %%, e'asperation filling her voice as she sank back down into her chair. +4hat=/ +I can&t help you with this if you aren&t willing to at least try and look between the lines./ +I know,/ ;endal sighed. +I&m still getting used to this whole poetry thing. #mily $ickinson is just the beginning, you know= 4e&re also studying other authors this semester./ +$ickinson is the beginning,/ %% insisted. +It&s from $ickinson that all those other authors stem. >ou&ll see./ +I know I&m lacking enthusiasm. It&s just that I haven&t had any @wild nights& myself since you started tutoring me. It&s been two weeks of studying, studying, studying./ %% shifted in her chair. +9ut they&ve been an enjoyable two weeks of studying, studying, studying, haven&t they=/ ;endal smiled as if she were glad that %% cared enough to ask. +>es, they&ve been enjoyable. Thanks to you./ %% held back her sigh of relief. The truth was that the past two weeks had been the most enjoyable days she had ever e'perienced at Sampson Academy. And it was all because of ;endal. +So back to those @wild nights,&/ said ;endal. +$o you mind if I try again=/ +5o for it,/ said %%. 9ut as soon as ;endal opened her mouth to begin, %% covered the page with her hands. +#'cept this time, give it a little more oomph./ +-omph=/ +>eah*oomph./ ;endal laughed, +-kay./ %% watched closely as ;endal began reciting the poem. She suddenly forgot all about those wild nights in the poem and focused in on ;endal&s eyes, her hair, and the way her nose twitched when she shouted a word. As soon as she finished, %% stood up and began clapping loudly. ;endal blushed with embarrassment and pulled at %%&s arms to get her to sit back down. %% playfully grabbed hold of ;endal&s hand and pushed it away. 6either of them let go and their hands stayed locked together. +See, that was much better,/ %% said after a moment, slowly releasing ;endal&s hand. +)m*can we go over the middle stan3a again=/ ;endal asked, pretending she hadn&t noticed that they had been holding hands for a full thirty seconds. +(utile the winds to a heart in port, done with the compass, done with the chart./ +Sure. 4hat do you think it means=/

+I think that it means that because she was so deeply in love, the winds were useless to her. So was the compass and the map or chart or whatever. She didn&t need them because her heart knew which way to go. It knew how to get her to her loved one because the connection between them was so strong./ +#'actly./ +And when she got there, they&d have plenty of @wild nights.&/ %% laughed. +6ot wild as in cra3y silly, but wild as in overwhelming./ She pointed to ;endal&s heart. +8emember when I told you that $ickinson believed that love should truly be felt= 4ell, the @wildness& is describing what she felt./ ;endal&s eyes widened. +She must have been head over heels for the guy she was writing about./ +2ow do you know it was a guy=/ %% asked. +4hat do you mean=/ +Some people seem to think,/ %% began, but paused for a moment, not sure how to phrase the rest of what she wanted to say. +It&s been said that $ickinson might have been in love with a close friend, another woman./ +A woman=/ %% continued slowly, +4ell, a lot of her love poems are not e'clusively heterose'ual. And in this one she doesn&t specifically address gender. She&s just e'pressing love./ +I don&t know. That still doesn&t mean she&s talking about another woman./ %% paused. +>ou don&t think it&s possible for a woman to feel that intensely about another woman= To feel that much in love=/ She looked along the bookshelves as she asked this, slightly afraid of what ;endal might say in return. ;endal studied the words on the page, though her mind drifted to thoughts of how she&d been thinking about %% far too often lately. She read the poem over again. +I do think it&s possible,/ she said finally. +I think love has a way of crossing all boundaries./ They stared at one another, both well aware that they were thinking e'actly the same thing. A comfortable silence lingered around them and even though their hour of studying was up, neither mentioned the time or dared to glance at the clock. Instead they continued talking, flipping through the pages of $ickinson&s lyrics as if they were taking a journey through another world, outside the boundaries of reality, and certainly outside the confinement of Sampson Academy.

CHAPTER $
+So, are you going to tell me or just sit there eating your eggs with that ridiculous grin on your face for the rest of breakfast=/ +4hat= I&m hungry./ +8ight,/ :ueenie snorted. +7ook, I kept my mouth shut and didn&t mention your numerous little tutoring dates with the homecoming 1ueen to anyone else on the team. I think that kind of devotion earns me a complete and detailed account of the evenings in 1uestion./ +>our talent for persuasion astonishes me. It&s unlike anything I&ve ever seen./ :ueenie curled her fingers and ran them across her shirt, pretending to buff her nails.

+0ute,/ %% said, peppering her eggs with hot sauce. +:uit trying to stall by flattering me./ +I don&t know why you&re so intrigued anyway./ :ueenie slapped her hands down flat on the table. +Are you kidding me= This isn&t like you&re tutoring the alphabet to some spoiled soccer player. This is T2# ;endal ,c0arthy, the most popular girl at Sampson Academy. And you&ve been tutoring her for a couple of weeks now./ +So=/ +So, I&m bursting with fruit-flavored curiosity./ +She&s not what she seems,/ %% insisted. An'iety itched in her stomach, and she longed to change the subject. 9ut :ueenie knew her too well, and if she were hiding something it would be completely obvious. +She&s not materialistic and stuck up like the rest of her cheerleading counterparts=/ +She&s, I don&t know, she&s*she&s different. She&s nice./ +6ice=/ :ueenie&s jaw fell nearly to the table. +I don&t believe it. >ou like her./ %% immediately shook her head in defiance. +6o. I don&t even know her./ +>eah, but you used the word @nice.&/ +So, I happen to think she&s nice. That doesn&t mean I like her./ %%&s voice jumped at least an octave higher. +>ou always jump to conclusions like this because it gives you something to talk about./ +8eally=/ :ueenie asked, cocking her head to one side. +Then why are you getting all defensive=/ +I&m not getting defensive./ :ueenie sat back in her chair and folded her arms satisfyingly across her chest. +$on&t look at me like that,/ %% warned. She remained steadfast, even though she knew that :ueenie had guessed her secret. +0an we talk about something else, please=/ +(ine. 9ut don&t come crying to me when the $ibble Syndrome hits./ Ah, yes. The notorious $ibble Syndrome. %% had considered it, too. $uring her sophomore year, she&d developed an obsession with a girl in one of her classes named ;elly $ibble. She fell so hard for her that it finally caused her to confront her feelings head on. %% made the mistake of telling ;elly that she was gay and how she felt. ;elly&s reaction was anything but comforting. In fact, she was downright appalled and stopped speaking to %% altogether. %% soon fell into a depression, and ;elly transferred to another school the following semester. Though it was rumored that ;elly had transferred because her parents had wanted her closer to home, %% suspected that she was an integral reason for the transfer. 4ith :ueenie&s help, %% somehow managed to climb up from the hole she&d sunk into, and regain her sense of self. (rom that point on, she and :ueenie had dubbed any serious crush that left their minds senselessly wandering as the $ibble Syndrome. 9ut %% knew this was different. +It&s not the $ibble Syndrome,/ she said. +6ot even close./ +-;, if you say so./ :ueenie began to rub her left shoulder with purpose, grimacing from the soreness. +0oach must have had something rather large and obtrusive stuck up her butt this morning. I mean, how many sprints can one person run in a two-hour span=/ %% nearly snorted orange juice through her nostrils. As she was about to respond with her own witty comment, she spotted ;endal ,c0arthy walking across the cafeteria towards the cheerleading table in the corner.

,ost of the tables in the cafeteria were unofficially spoken for. %% and her teammates sat at their designated table near the salad bar, while the boy&s basketball team sat directly behind them. The soccer players sat at the longest table near the front of the dining hall. At the ne't table sat the students in the academic achievement group, and yet another table was reserved for the debating team. The remaining tables were filled accordingly with members of other athletic teams, the drama club, the 0ultural Awareness Society, the art club, the 0hristian society and whatever other clubs remained on campus. Students who didn&t belong to a particular group bonded together and sei3ed whatever open tables they could. Sitting at the wrong table constituted a big no-no at Sampson Academy. %% remembered when she mistakenly had sat down at the cheerleading table her freshman year. #very single girl at the table had looked at her as if she were an illegal immigrant who&d dared to cross the border without a valid passport. -ne senior had even gone so far as to remark, +#'cuse me, but you do know that this table is for cheerleaders only./ -f course I didn&t know that, %% had thought. There was no neon sign or illuminated billboard advertising that fact. %% had wanted to spit those very words back out at her but swallowed them instead. (eeling defeated, she&d scraped together what remained of her pride and moved to another table. +Ahem./ %% snapped out of her da3e. :ueenie was giving her that look, the one that %%&s mother used to give her when she knew she was hiding something. +0ould you be staring any harder=/ +0ould you be any more annoying=/ %% shot back.

%%%
;endal was on a natural high. She actually had begun to enjoy her 4omen&s 7iterature class since she&d decided to get some tutoring. (or once, she finally understood what her teacher was talking about and was able to contribute to class discussions instead of doodling in her notebook like she had since the beginning of the semester. 2er hair just barely reached into a ponytail, so she tucked the loose strands behind her ears. 2er school uniform, a jacket and skirt combination, hung neatly at her hips. The Academy&s uniform policy re1uired that girls wear either a black skirt or a pair of khaki pants during class hours, and ;endal had noticed that %% always opted for the pants. +Are you going to the soccer party tonight=/ 0hristine asked as ;endal sat down across from her. +$efinitely. I think I&ve earned it after all the e'tra work I&ve been doing lately./ +I can&t believe you can eat all of that greasy mess./ 0hristine motioned to ;endal&s tray, stirring granola into her own cup of yogurt. ;endal looked down at her runny eggs, cooked over-easy, complemented with potatoes and bacon. She then eyed 0hristine&s yogurt. +At least I eat,/ she retorted. +I eat. I just choose to eat healthy./ 0hristine grabbed her spoon and licked the yogurt off of it. +#'cuse me if I&m not lucky enough to have your turbo metabolism./ +I can&t help it if I burn through food like it&s jet fuel./ ;endal picked at her eggs. +I&m so glad I decided to get a tutor for 4omen&s 7iterature./

+Speaking of which, who did you land this time= I hope it wasn&t that Asian kid with the horrible acne again./ +5od, no,/ ;endal said 1uickly. +It&s %% something or other. She&s on the basketball team. >ou&ve probably seen her around school. She hangs around with that rich girl with the weird name, :ueenie or something./ 0hristine hacked and coughed as if she was about to spit her yogurt back up. +>ou have no luck with tutors at all./ she gasped. +4hat do you mean=/ +4ell, look at your track record. (irst you get that weird guy with the la3y eye, then the girl who spit when she talked, then Asian acne boy and now to top it off, a lesbian./ +4hat are you talking about=/ +;endal./ 0hristine&s eyes widened. +She&s gay. So is half of the basketball team./ She spooned out the rest of her yogurt with her inde' finger and licked it off. +0&mon, you seriously didn&t know= I swear it ama3es me how naAve you can be./ ;endal picked up a piece of bacon, +I&m not naAve. I just never suspected./ +It&s so obvious,/ 0hristine continued. ;endal felt a sourness growing in her stomach. The appetite she&d been bragging about moments earlier had completely vanished. She had suspected that %% was different somehow, especially the way she paused in mid-conversation around her or when ;endal had caught her staring. 9ut she had stared back at %%. She&d even smiled back in a way that was more than friendly. 9ut if %% was gay, did that mean that she*= +2as she hit on you yet=/ 0hristine prodded. ;endal practically threw the piece of bacon back down on her plate. +4ill you stop it=/ +4hat= I&m sure she thinks you&re hot. I mean, everyone at this school thinks you&re hot./ +She helps me with homework, that&s it. That&s what a tutor does./ +4ell, I&d just be careful if I were you,/ 0hristine advised. +$on&t give her your phone number, or she might start te'ting you. And make sure that you don&t sit too close to her or anything./ ;endal immediately thought of them sitting at the table in the library where she and %% usually shared a book of poetry and how she&d accidentally brushed up against %% on more than one occasion over the past couple of weeks. She thought of how %% had mentioned that $ickinson could have been in love with another woman. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair as she thought about their last tutoring session, when they talked about $ickinson&s +wild nights/ and who she might have been writing about. She thought about the 1uestions %% had asked her, about the feeling of their locked hands, and about her own response. She felt di33y and lightheaded. 0hristine began to gossip with the other girls at their table as if nothing had happened. The conversation eventually swung to the coming evening events, and ;endal pretended to listen while a strange curiosity engulfed her, giving her knots in her stomach.

CHAPTER &
;yan Stevens grunted as he lifted the fifty-pound barbell with his left hand. 2e counted silently. (ive. (our. Three. Two. -ne.

2is tanned torso was covered with a black muscle shirt and he wore a pair of matching black mesh shorts. The sandy hair that normally hung just above his eyes was held back now by a black bandana. A tattoo of barbwire circled his left leg around the calf muscle. And the diamond-studded earrings in his ears sparkled in the weight room lights. 2e breathed heavily, watching himself in the mirror. The weight gain supplement that his coach had advised him to take was beginning to work. 2e couldn&t believe that the soccer season already was half over. This was his last season of his high school career. 2e had to perform well. 2e had to show the underclassmen what Sampson soccer was about, where true dedication and hard work could get you. 2e picked up the barbell with his right hand and repeated the reps. Sweat began to form on his brow. The image in the mirror reflected his obsession with perfection. #verything in his life was set to high standards, from his grades to the girls he dated. 2e had always set his goals high. 2aving a military captain for a father was part of the reason. 7ack of confidence was the other, but he&d never admit that. "ushing to the top had grown into an inescapable addiction. 9ut he&d achieved a great deal. 2e had the perfect body, a complete mass of toned muscle and definition. 2e had the perfect reputation, a captain on the soccer team. 2e had the perfect grade point average and already had been accepted into one of the top pre-law programs in the country. There was one more thing he needed though, one piece to make the pu33le complete. 2e needed the perfect girl. Tired of dating the same old blondes with incredible looks but 3ero personalities, ;yan had finally decided it was time to find someone more wholesome. 2e and his teammates were the most popular students in the entire school. It seemed only natural that he partner up with someone from the cheerleading team, which was made up of the prettiest girls on campus. The obvious choice would be the head cheerleader, ,ya 9rooks. 9ut he found her to be slightly heftier than he preferred, plus she had a reputation for being e'tremely headstrong and opinionated. 2is unconsciously shook his head at the mirror. Then he sank to the ground, and began to do sit ups. ;yan wanted someone less brainy, someone smart enough to carry on a conversation, but not too smart. Someone who would be willing to let him control the reigns of the relationship and steer it in the direction he desired. Someone like ;endal ,c0arthy. She was perfect for him*just the right si3e, beautiful, likeable, popular, but seriously lacking in the area of intelligence. 2e often spotted her in the library being tutored. She didn&t have a boyfriend, and she would be somewhat of a challenge for him, since other guys at Sampson were most likely interested in her as well. +2ey, we&re thinking of having a party tonight. >ou up for it=/ -ne of ;yan&s soccer teammates, %ason, now stood over him. Si'ty minutes on the treadmill had drenched his friend&s shirt with sweat. +$efinitely,/ ;yan replied between reps. +I told 0hristine,/ %ason said. +She&s going to get all the girls from the cheerleading s1uad to come./ ;yan sat up and smiled slyly. +"erfect. I think it&s time ;endal ,c0arthy and I get to know each other a little better./ +;endal ,c0arthy= T2# ;endal ,c0arthy=/ +>es, ;endal ,c0arthy. 4hat&s the big deal=/ +6othing,/ %ason said. +I just think she&s a bit out of reach, you know. #ven for you./

+This is me you&re talking to. All it takes is a little bit of charm, a few compliments and the rest just falls into place./ +4hatever you say, buddy./ ;yan climbed to his feet and fle'ed in front of the mirror. Sometimes it was almost too much, knowing how things in his life were working out so well. The only thing he was missing was a girlfriend. 9ut no girl in her right mind would turn him down, especially not ;endal ,c0arthy. +7et&s go,/ he said. They left the sweat-filled athletic center, both of their bodies pumping from endorphins and high e'pectations for the weekend.

CHAPTER '
%% sat in her room listening to some soft 8B9 on her stereo. :ueenie had gone home for the weekend. 2er parents lived only half an hour away in the affluent 8olling 2ills, a suburb of 8ichmond, and her mother was forcing her to attend a bridal shower for her older sister. The only thing that eased :ueenie&s mind about being home was the fact that she secretly had planned her biggest revenge on her family to date. As far as %% knew, :ueenie&s mother, father and sister were the only ones who were aware of her se'ual orientation. About two years earlier her father had threatened to disown her after her mother caught :ueenie in the guest bedroom kissing a female member of the cleaning staff. 9ut with a little convincing from ,rs. ,c9ride, he&d learned to live with the situation. It seemed as though :ueenie&s main goal in life was to antagoni3e her parents. She&d succeeded plenty of times before by getting kicked out of three other private schools, by spending a summer in a juvenile detention hall for stealing from a high-end fashion bouti1ue fre1uented by her mother, by hanging with what they considered was the wrong crowd, and by spending her parents& money as though she were playing a mean game of ,onopoly. 9ut :ueenie was planning her biggest production yet. At her sister&s wedding reception she would announce in her maid of honor speech that she was gay. It would be an affair to remember, one that the assembly of guests could never forget, :ueenie promised, when she first disclosed her devious little plan to %%. -f all the stunts :ueenie had ever pulled, this was going to be the most outrageous of them all. %% shook her head in disbelief. Sometimes it seemed as though :ueenie lived inside a movie script rather than in reality. #ven though %%&s own family initially had a hard time accepting the news when she told them that she was gay, they eventually came around. It was the most difficult thing she&d done in her short life thus far, and she couldn&t imagine how anything could be harder. She and her family were close. 2er older brother recently had graduated from college and taught math at a local high school. 2er mother also was a teacher, and her father sold advertising space for a local paper. %% remembered the night clearly, and had replayed it in her mind repeatedly. It was early %une. She&d just finished her sophomore year at Sampson Academy and was in search of a summer job. 2er parents had remained 1uiet that week, thinking she was depressed because she was stuck at home for the summer and hadn&t yet found a job so that she could make some e'tra money. That, of course, was not the reason.

(rom the moment %% had stepped into the house, she knew she was going to have to tell them the truth. 2er mother still hung on to the hope that she&d outgrow this so-called tomboy phase. 9ut it wasn&t a phase. 2er father, whom she loved and respected more than anyone else in her life, didn&t know the real her. It was eating her alive. 4ith each passing day, %% grew increasingly reserved. 2er head constantly spun with the anticipated conversation, from the moment she awoke each morning until she lay awake, wide-eyed, in her bed each night. She felt as if she&d been carrying on an act, being untrue to both herself and them. %% had always ama3ed herself with how easily words came to her, yet when she needed them the most, she couldn&t find them. There was no plan, no designated date or time, to tell her family. The feeling kept swelling until it became too big for her body, until she had no other choice but to let it out from inside of her so that she could breathe easily once again. (inally, about two weeks after she@d arrived home, the night had come. She and her parents sat at the kitchen table, eating dinner. 8oast beef and vegetables, %% remembered. She could barely swallow her potatoes. 2er feeling of dread had grown so massive it was filling up her throat. +4hy are you so 1uiet=/ her mother had asked, so caring and so sincere. +Are you upset that you haven&t found a job yet=/ asked her father. +I could check with the paper. I&m sure I could get you a part-time writing job, maybe an internship./ %% swallowed the potatoes that had turned to mush from sitting in her mouth, and shook her head. +$o you miss school=/ her mother asked. +6o, it&s not that./ %%&s eyes widened, when she reali3ed she still had the ability to talk. She felt the words begin to climb up her throat, and knew there was no going back. +I have to tell you something,/ she continued, her words coming slowly. +Something I am afraid to say. Something that I have to say, even though I know you both will be disappointed./ 2er father set down his fork and eyed her mother. %% could see the concern in his e'pression, the worry and the confusion. 2er mother remained composed.+%osie, you can tell us anything./ %% knew this. She had always known this. It was the actual act of telling that was so hard. +I know*/ +4hat is it %o-%o-9ear=/ 2er father&s use of her pet name tore at her heart. %% held back her tears until they spilled from her eyes, and when it was time to say the e'act words, they fell from her lips effortlessly +I&m gay./ Silence followed, and then her mother&s tears began to flow as she stood up and left the room. %% had rushed after her, clutching a book she&d purchased a year before, hoping it would help her parents understand. +I know you are confused, ,om, but this might help./ She handed over the book, $ifferent $aughters, wishing her mother would find the courage to read it. +4as it something I did=/ her mother cried. +6o, ,om, it&s not something anyone did. It&s just something I am./ %% wanted to make her understand, but how could she make someone understand something that took she, herself, years to come to terms with completely= +The neighborhood we raised you in, all those boys around, maybe if there had been more girls to play with you*/ +,om, it&s not that. I&d still be this way. I&ve known since the third grade. I&ve always known./

2er mother continued to cry, mourning the loss of the girly daughter image she still clung to. 2er father, on the other hand, remained completely calm. 2e said he loved her no matter what, and that was that. %% knew he was putting on a front to hide his disappointment. And it came to fruition a few months later when she was about to leave for her junior year at Sampson Academy. They had been watching a documentary on same-se' marriages, and her father, who was set in his ways, e'pressed outrage at the idea and vowed never to condone it. This sparked an intense argument between them, and they didn&t speak for days. #ventually her father had come to terms with it, though he still held onto his own world views, which %% accepted because she knew she could not change his entire outlook on life and society. As long as she had his love and support, she felt satisfied. 2er mother eventually finished mourning the loss of the daughter she&d thought she known, and learned to look at %% through different eyes. She even read the book and announced it formally when %% came home for 0hristmas break. +I finished the lesbian book you gave me,/ she said proudly. %% laughed. She&d even been able to share with them her past crushes and insecurities. It was an incredible feeling to find that her parents& love was so unconditional. It was almost overwhelming. ;nowing that her friend :ueenie had never e'perienced such love from her own family somehow made %% feel guilty. She knew how much :ueenie envied her, and longed to have the same kind of relationship with her own parents. :ueenie. %% had never known anyone like her. She wondered if :ueenie was causing a stir at her sister&s wedding shower, and wished she were there to witness it. Then her mind drifted again and ;endal danced her way in. Though they had interacted on more than a few occasions, their conversations had been limited to poetry and the brilliance of #mily $ickinson. %% had yet to learn anything more about ;endal besides the obvious, that she was a cheerleader, was incredibly beautiful and popular, and needed help with her schoolwork. (or some reason, %% craved more. She wanted to get inside ;endal&s head, to be able to ask her more meaningful 1uestions, like what was her biggest fear, and if she could travel anywhere in the world, where would she go and why. +4hy am I thinking about her=/ %% asked aloud. ,aybe :ueenie was right. ,aybe this was another case of the $ibble Syndrome. 9ut it didn&t feel the same. The $ibble Syndrome was more of an obsession kind of thing. It wasn&t real. Then again, maybe this wasn&t real either. %% turned off the stereo and flipped on the television for distraction. A moment later the phone rang twice to signal an off-campus call. Something told her that it was :ueenie checking in. +2ow&s the wedding shower=/ %% asked. She could hear the sounds of conversation fluttering in the background. +I&m having the time of my life,/ :ueenie said blandly. +4hat are you doing=/ +4atching television./ %%&s finger robotically hit the channel button on the remote control. +4hat&s on=/ +6othing in particular./ +2ey, I&m sorry I gave you a hard time about ;endal. I just don&t want to see you go through something like that again./ +I know. It&s nothing. 2onest./

+7ook, I gotta go,/ :ueenie said an'iously. +,y sister just opened up a gift and it&s some racy lingerie. I want to get in a few good barbs while I still can. I&ll see you Sunday./ %% hung up the phone and turned off the television. She let the 1uiet seep in around her and closed her eyes. Instinctively, as if a remote switch flipped on inside her mind, she began to think about ;endal.

CHAPTER (
0hristine already was getting on ;endal&s nerves by the time they got to the soccer party. ;endal gladly let %ason take over the reins of keeping 0hristine entertained once they found him in someone else&s dorm room playing cards. +2ere. 2ave fun,/ ;endal said as she handed 0hristine over to him. 0hristine&s limp body fell directly into his arms and she clung to his chest. +2ey, you,/ 0hristine managed to say as she s1uinted upward to focus on the face in front of her. +2ow much did she have to drink=/ %ason asked, grimacing from the stench of 0hristine&s breath. +Too much,/ said ;endal, who hardly ever drank anything besides $iet 0oke. %ason picked 0hristine up and took her to another room so that she could lie down. The dorm room overflowed with people. ;endal pushed through the adjoining door and found four more guys in the ne't room, sitting in folding chairs around a wobbly metal card table. She forced a smile, uncertain if she wanted to stay or leave. +4ant to play=/ one of them asked. ;endal knew instantly who he was. ;yan Stevens, the captain of the soccer team. 2e was cute, with dimples that hung at the sides of his cheeks like half moons when he smiled. 2is hair was mussed and he wore a polo shirt fitted close to his chest. It was obviously a much smaller si3e than it needed to be, perfect for showing off his toned body. ;endal looked away once she reali3ed she&d been staring a little too hard. She&d had previous brief conversations with ;yan. 2e was the only guy at Sampson who had never once looked her way since freshman year, yet here he was asking her to sit and play cards. +It&s an easy game,/ he said sweetly. ;endal stood there with her hands on her hips. 2er evening was pretty much a bust at this point. She finally threw up her hands, said, +Sure, why not,/ and took the empty seat as the dealer dealt her in. -f course, this wasn&t a regular card game. It was a drinking card game. There were heavy penalties for losing a hand, penalties that involved downing a lot of beer in a very short time. 9y the time ;endal finally won her first hand, she was drunk. 9u33ing from the alcohol that pumped feverishly through her veins, ;endal couldn&t resist flirting a little with ;yan. #ventually he e'changed a sort of secret, silent, coded look with his friends, who one by one left the room. +7et&s move to the couch,/ ;yan suggested, after they were alone. 2e stood up and walked over to a sofa upholstered in plaid. "illow-white stuffing protruded from tears in each of the arms. ;endal remained seated in her hard metal chair as ;yan motioned for her to join him,

patting the saggy cushion beside him. She tingled with drunkenness, and a part of her practically pleaded to walk over and snuggle up beside him. +0ome sit over here,/ he said, patting the cushion again. +I want to talk to you./ ;endal studied him for a moment until her curiosity got the best of her. +4hy do you want to talk to me all of a sudden=/ she asked. ;yan rolled back his bulky shoulders, +I don&t know. I just do. I think it&s time we got to know each other better./ 2e smiled widely, revealing a perfect row of ivory beneath full lips. +>ou&ve known who I was for the past three years and now you suddenly want to get to know me=/ The sharpness in ;endal&s voice caused ;yan to inch up in his seat. +I guess it just took me three years to get up the courage to talk to you./ +4ell, that&s three years too late,/ ;endal told him, turning and walking out of the room. +2ey, wait a second,/ ;yan called after her. 2e remained seated on the beat-up couch trying to make sense of what had just happened. 2is mind worked feverishly, as he tried to formulate a plan on how to get ;endal ,c0arthy off of her high horse and into his arms.

%%%
The hood of %%&s sweatshirt was draped over her head as she walked back from the library. )nable to distract herself from thinking of ;endal, she&d gone to the library to get a jumpstart on a paper that was due in a few weeks. She read some intriguing online articles, and they&d provided a definite diversion for her. 9ut reading on the Internet for an hour made her tired. Soon, she found herself straining to keep her eyes open. A crisp -ctober bree3e tickled her bare legs, making her wish she hadn&t worn shorts. She kept her head down, shielding her eyes, and plowed forward over the grass. The sounds of a nearby soccer party were alive and irritating, and %% pictured the scene of girls and boys stuffed shoulder to shoulder in an overcrowded dorm room. It bothered her to know that ;endal was probably there in the middle of the mi'. ;endal ,c0arthy was an enigma. She and %% had nothing in common and their contradictions went far beyond se'ual orientation. The truth was, they were worlds apart and nothing could change that. Stuck in thought, with her hood sheltering her head and her eyes from everything, %% couldn&t clearly see where she was going. And before she had a chance to look up to see e'actly where she was in relation to her dorm, a girl stumbled out of what seemed like midair in front of her. 4hoa,/ said %%. She stepped aside before they collided, but the girl spun around, tripped over her own feet and tumbled to the ground. %% pushed the hood off her head and looked sideways at the body slumped on the lawn. At first, seeing no movement, she felt a slight panic travel along the edge of her limbs. Then, suddenly, the girl sat up with her head still hanging down and her hands wrapped around it like a turban. +Are you okay=/ %% asked, leaning in closer. The girl&s head popped up and wobbled a bit before %% recogni3ed that it was none other than T2# ;endal ,c0arthy sitting in front of her on the damp grass. +2i./ ;endal yelled, beaming. +I totally didn&t see you./

+I guess it should be a rule to wear reflective clothing when walking around campus at night,/ said %%. +-therwise people run into you from out of nowhere. ,aybe hoods should be banned as well./ ;endal broke into a fit of laughter, which %% suspected was more the result of too much alcohol than the joke itself. +7et me help you up,/ %% said, reaching forward and taking ;endal&s hands in hers. They felt fro3en. +Are you cold=/ ;endal shook her head, even though she was shivering. She turned around to get a look at her behind. +I think I sat in something wet./ +It&s the grass,/ %% told her. +It&s damp from the dew./ +-h, yeah./ ;endal laughed again, and then stopped as instantly as she&d started. +I need to go home./ +I&ll walk you. 4e don&t want any more collisions happening./ %% led the way from the grass onto a dirt path that connected with the sidewalk. +I know I&m making a complete fool of myself,/ ;endal said, once they reached the sidewalk. +So let me just apologi3e ahead of time./ +2ave fun at the soccer party tonight=/ +6ot really,/ said ;endal, making a face. +>ou&d think the soccer team ran the school with what they get away with. 6o other group on campus would be able to have parties in their dorms. It&s ridiculous./ +If you are so against them, then why do you go=/ +9ecause there isn&t anything much else to do at this school or in this tiny town./ +I can think of lots of other things to do./ +7ike what= Studying on a (riday night=/ +I do have a life outside of studying,/ %% maintained. +9ut that&s just what I felt like doing tonight. ,aybe you haven&t had a chance to e'plore anything outside of your little world yet./ +,y little world=/ ;endal asked defensively. +>eah. The secluded world of Sampson cheerleaders and soccer players./ +4hatever./ +I&m serious. 7ife is a lot like reading poetry. >ou have to read between the lines to really get something out of it./ ;endal rolled her eyes. +>ou&re tutoring me in poetry, remember. 6ot life./ +"oetry is life./ +-kay, #mily $ickinson, where do you go for fun then= 9esides the library, of course./ +2ave you ever gone to The Spot=/ +The coffee shop in town=/ +>eah, that&s the one./ %% perked up, thinking of the atmosphere of the coffee shop around her. +I love it there. It&s a great place to go and just kick back. #very month or so they have a band come and play./ ;endal stopped walking. They were in front of her dormitory and she was hugging herself to keep warm, her eyes glossed over from the alcohol. %% studied her, feeling as if ;endal was looking through her, rather than at her. It made %% want to turn around to see if anybody was standing behind them. +Thanks for walking me home,/ said ;endal, after a moment. +I&m sorry for practically running into you. I&ve had a rough night./ She pictured ;yan sitting on the ugly couch, and suddenly blurted out, +5uys are such idiots./

+4here did that little pearl of wisdom come from=/ +6owhere in particular./ %% didn&t press the issue, and instead let her eyes wander off in the direction of the 1uad. +I want to ask you something,/ ;endal said, then paused briefly. +9ut I don&t want to offend you./ +Ask away. I&m an open book./ +-kay then,/ ;endal hesitated, rewording her 1uestion. +,y friend 0hristine told me that you wereCthat you areC/ +5ay=/ +>eah,/ ;endal fidgeted. +Are you=/ +4ould it bother you if I said yes=/ +I don&t think so./ +>ou don&t sound so sure./ %% could only imagine what ;endal&s roommate had said about her. ,ost of the cheerleaders at Sampson never took the time to even acknowledge her presence, let alone get to know her, just because of rumors. +6o, it&s fine. I&m fine. It wouldn&t bother me at all./ +4ell, then yes, I am./ +So it&s true= >ou&re gay=/ %% took a step back. +I&m not going to hit on you if that&s what you are afraid of./ +I&m not afraid of you,/ said ;endal. +I was just curious./ Thoughts of her conversation with 0hristine in the cafeteria that morning traveled across her mind. She suddenly felt ashamed. +If you aren&t comfortable with me tutoring you now, I&ll understand./ +6o,/ ;endal insisted as she took a step toward %%. +>ou are an incredible tutor. I was just curious, really. I&ve never known anyone who was, well, like you before./ It ama3ed %% that ;endal had such a hard time saying the word. 9ut at least she didn&t run away screaming. That certainly would have been awkward. +0onsider yourself cultured then,/ %% told her. They stood in silence as the sounds of the wind and the late night babble of students wandering home from a night out blended into one another and circled around them. +I should go to bed,/ ;endal said, ending the lull in the conversation. She played with her fingers, twisting her thumbs into her palms, and fighting the overwhelming urge to stay there talking to %% for the rest of the night. %% shoved both of her hands into the pockets of her shorts to keep them warm. +I&ll see you ne't tutoring session then,/ she said. +(or a little #mily $ickinson=/ +#mily $ickinson, right./ ;endal flashed a 1uick smile, then turned and walked toward the dorm. %ust before she crossed the threshold of the door, she turned back to see %%&s silhouette blending in with the darkness. 2er stride was slight and unsteady. 9ut she was kind and sincere, something ;endal had picked up on the first night they met. It was one of the things that she enjoyed about %%. It was a refreshing change from her own circle of friends, a change that she hadn&t even known she&d wanted to happen. Then she thought of ;yan again, smug and moronic, with his hand gently patting the cushion on that disgusting couch. She laughed out loud. In that moment, she understood e'actly how #mily $ickinson could have been writing about another woman. She understood because she was beginning to feel the same way about %%.

CHAPTER )
A huge gray mass had stretched itself over Sampson Academy and the town of Ashland, <irginia. %% had spent the rainy morning watching movies with her suitemates, but finally decided to go for a walk to break her cabin fever. Spending too much time in a tiny enclosed dorm room sometimes made her feel as though she were suffocating. 4ith her poetry journal hidden inside her jacket and a pen in her pocket, %% strode across the campus admiring the colonial-era buildings and classic architecture. She crossed the railroad tracks that ran directly through the school grounds. Those tracks had created a Sampson Academy commencement ceremony tradition. The annual ceremony was held on (orrest 7awn, which the train tracks bisected on the west side of the campus. #very commencement speaker throughout Sampson&s history had his or her speech disrupted by a train. #ach disruption was met with the attending parents, students and guests yelling +choo-choo/ as loud as possible. Tradition has it that good luck was bestowed upon the graduating class if the train&s engineer laid on the horn in return. -nce across the tracks, %% entered the center of town. She headed up the sidewalk, passing by The Spot and several small craft shops. There was the old gas station with its retro-style gas pumps that reminded her of the D?EFs, as if Ashland had somehow gotten stuck there. "uddles blocked her path, and though she tried to avoid them, both of her sneakers ended up soaked with murky water. The town was deserted, and %% felt as if everyone was hiding from the storm. The rain had ceased, but thunder still echoed somewhere in the background. +It&s not that scary./ she called out and jumped feet first into the ne't puddle. The water shot out in every direction including straight up into the air and all over her. 2er waterproof windbreaker protected her sacred journal from getting wet. %% had the urge to sit down and get the words that were now flowing through her mind down on paper, but the ground was wet and she was already wet enough. There was a bench on the sidewalk, its green paint chipped from years from wind and rain. %% wiped the water droplets from the seat as best she could. She pulled her large windbreaker down over her behind and sat down, withdrawing her journal from an inside pocket. She gathered up her pen, along with her thoughts, and began to scribble. The earth has /een turned over And sha6en li6e a snow glo/e .ray powder spec6les the s6y )eaving a colorless image. The streets are empty, e7cept for fog hovering a/ove the surface &mells of hot tar and muggy air fill my nostrils as #aindrops the si8e of mini water /alloons /ounce off My 5ac6et, leaving no trace as to where they have fallen. Muddy puddles stand in my path, /egging me to ta6e a swim 'nstead, ' stomp through them, sending thic6 muddy splashes &cattering in all directions. ' never noticed that ' was soa6ing wet.

%% looked up at the sky and smiled. #very time it rained, she felt as if everything were calm and peaceful. #ven if that wasn&t e'actly the way she was feeling at that very moment. ;endal had finally asked her about her se'ual orientation last night. It was something she hadn&t e'pected to happen so soon. %% recalled ;endal&s goofy stare while sprawled on the damp lawn. She&d grown accustomed to the fact that everything happened for a reason. 4hether good or bad, there was a specific reason behind the events that shaped everyone&s lives, including random encounters with cheerleaders on private school library lawns. %% peered along the edges of the street, watching an occasional car cross the tracks and listening to the water as it danced down the pavement and trickled into a nearby drain. ;endal was now aware of a part of her that %% didn&t advertise, although she knew that many of her classmates assumed she was gay. She decided that if ;endal really were as shallow as the other cheerleaders, then her true colors would already have shown. 9ut, deep down, %% believed that ;endal was different. 5ood different. And that was part of why %% was attracted to her. #ven if the two lived in two very different worlds. The dampness of her socks made her ankles begin to itch. The heavy air turned light, as a cool bree3e swept by causing %% to shiver. 2er empty stomach grumbled. The Spot would be the perfect place to warm up and get a sandwich. ,aybe with some food in her stomach she could think more clearly about ;endal ,c0arthy. ,aybe she could figure out the real reason she was interested in a girl who couldn&t possibly return the same feelings. She was more likely to get struck by lightning than have any kind of relationship with ;endal. %% looked cautiously up at the sky as she crossed the street.

%%%
+4hat happened to you last night=/ 0hristine lay stomach-down on her bed, wearing a dark green facial mask that was hardening. 2er long blonde hair was pulled back and tied with a pale pink ribbon. +>ou look ridiculous,/ ;endal said. +It&s called a mask,/ 0hristine replied, and tossed her i"hone to the side as if she were annoyed that no one had been te'ting her. 2er jaw barely moved when she spoke. +I repeat* what happened to you last night=/ +>ou mean after you crashed into %ason&s arms as soon as we got to the party=/ 0hristine stretched, +-h, please, like you weren&t in rare form either./ +)m, I can honestly say that I wasn&t./ As she spoke ;endal sifted through her dresser drawers, not looking for anything in particular. +So=/ +So, what=/ 0hristine sat up impatiently. +So %ason said you were alone in another room with ;yan for a while. 4hat happened= $id you kiss him=/ ;endal slammed her sock drawer shut and turned around. +Tempting as it was, no. After the slea3e ball made it clear that all he wanted to do was hook up, I decided to leave./ +;endal, seriously=/ 0hristine&s arms spread wide, +;yan&s not only good looking, but he&s the captain of the soccer team and he&s rich. 2ello./ (or the first time since she&d known 0hristine, ;endal noticed how annoying the word +hello/ sounded as it left her lips. +I hate to break it to you, but I&m not going to date someone

just because he&s the captain of the soccer team and has money,/ she said. +I like to think I have higher standards than that, thank you./ ;endal turned abruptly and began to rummage underneath her bed in hopes that 0hristine would go back to scanning the celebrity gossip columns in her maga3ines. +4e are young, ;endal,/ 0hristine continued. +4ho cares about standards= $o you honestly think that I&d be wasting my time with %ason if I were in college= I don&t think so. I&d be dating someone who actually had a head on his shoulders that could be used for something other than heading a soccer ball./ She climbed off the bed and slid down ne't to ;endal who was still spread out on the floor, and tugged the back of ;endal&s shirt until she emerged from underneath her bed. +7ook,/ said 0hristine. +I know ;yan&s a conceited moron. #veryone knows that. 9ut I also know that you have been studying like cra3y the past couple of weeks and it&s our senior year. I just don&t want you to regret not having a good time before college./ +Trust me,/ said ;endal. +I won&t regret not hooking up with ;yan, the couch monster./ 0hristine tried to smile or respond in some fashion but her mouth couldn&t move because the mask had hardened completely. She left ;endal lying on her back staring up at the ceiling while she went to wash her face and get dressed in her cheerleading uniform. They&d be cheering on the soccer players that afternoon. ;endal took a look at her cheerleading skirt and top, admiring the logo on the front. After the game was over, everyone else on the s1uad would start getting ready for another soccer party. ;endal longed to lock herself in her room and avoid any and all human interaction. The last thing she needed was another party, another reason to go on pretending she was something she wasn&t, another reason for 0hristine to nag her the ne't morning, complaining that she was not having enough fun. (un, she thought. (un was reading #mily $ickinson and laughing with %%. That was the kind of fun she found herself craving lately.

CHAPTER *
:ueenie had spent practically the entire workout talking about her family. %% figured that once they were finished with bicep and chest e'ercises, she would change the subject. 9ut here they were, finishing up on the treadmill, and :ueenie was still ranting about her parents. The athletic center was unusually packed for a Sunday. -ther members of the boys& and girls& basketball teams were finishing up their workouts for preseason, while the soccer players were working hard to keep themselves at the top of their game for the playoffs. Then there were the regulars who walked along the track or did the Stair,aster for hours while barely breaking a sweat. The crowd of freshmen who fre1uented the athletic center was growing rapidly and was made up mostly of those unlucky individuals who had gained a few e'tra pounds and were desperately trying to reverse the effects of too many midnight pi33a runs. They&d taken the freedom of private school for granted. +>ou should have seen my father,/ said :ueenie. +>ou know how my family can go a little overboard with money./ -verboard, thought %%. They practically flip the entire boat.

+2e&s buying the best of everything for my sister&s wedding, the best caterer, the fanciest ballroom*ugh, it makes me sick./ +So I take it that the plan to bust up the reception is still on, then./ %% breathed heavily as they hit mile three, with one more to go. +>ou know what they say. 4eddings in springtime bring forth love, happiness and gay daughters who want to confess their forbidden lives to their hypocritical and e'tremely dysfunctional high-society family and friends./ +6o, I&m not familiar with that particular saying,/ %% managed between breaths. She noticed that :ueenie wasn&t breathing heavily at all. +I just need to do it. 6ot for me, but to wake them up. They need a wakeup call./ +9ut haven&t you ever considered just taking your mom and dad aside and having an adult conversation with them=/ :ueenie lifted her feet off the treadmill, resting them on the sides as the motori3ed track moved between them. She fi'ed her eyes on %%. +8eally=/ %% felt her mouth go drier than it already was. She knew as soon as she said it, she shouldn&t have. She stepped off of her treadmill and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the towel that hung on the side bar. +I know,/ she said gently. +I&m sorry. Sometimes I just think you should try a different approach with them, that&s all./ +These are the ,c9rides,/ :ueenie replied. +The only thing they know how to do is throw money around. They don&t know any other way. I could talk and talk @til I run out of air. It won&t matter. They cannot and will not hear me./ (or a brief moment, %% thought that maybe she saw tears forming in :ueenie&s eyes, but because of the sweat on her friend&s forehead and face, she couldn&t tell for sure. +Sauna session=/ :ueenie asked, wiping her face with the front of her T-shirt before %% could say anything else. +Sure, why not./ -nce in the enclosed steam-stilted walls of the sauna, %% felt that :ueenie finally could unwind. She&d been high-strung and agitated ever since she&d returned from her weekend visit with her parents and the wedding shower madness. %% tossed a cup of water onto the stones, releasing a si33ling sound in that enveloped the room. Steam rose up around them. +I feel like a slab of bacon in here sometimes,/ :ueenie said into the heavy air. +I bet we could just bring some in, slap it down on the bench and watch it cook./ +Sauna session and bacon. >eah, I like the combination./ +4ho wouldn&t= >ou can cook yourself and your bacon at the same time./ +The ama3ing sauna,/ %% added in an infomercial voice. +#at and instantly sweat away the calories./ The si33ling ceased and :ueenie rolled over onto her side, resting her head on one elbow. +So, how was your weekend=/ +)neventful,/ %% responded, hoping that the topic of ;endal would not come up. +And the cheerleading 1ueen=/ 5reat, %% thought to herself as she tossed more water onto the stones, sending a burst of steam into the air. +5ood, I guess./ +>ou haven&t talked to her since your last tutoring session=/ +4ell, not e'actly. I ran into her on (riday night./

+4here= At the library=/ :ueenie knew %% would never set foot in a soccer party and that ;endal was e1ually unlikely to set foot into the athletic center, which made the library the only logical option. +6o, I literally ran into her,/ said %%. +8ight on the lawn in front of the library. She was coming home from a soccer party and I think she&d had too much to drink or something. ,y hood was up so I never saw her and we almost collided head-on. I caught myself, but she spun around and fell./ +That&s priceless./ +Then I helped her up and walked her home./ %% recalled the ensuing conversation and ;endal&s engaging laughter. +>ou&ll never believe this, but she asked me the 1uestion./ +4hat 1uestion=/ :ueenie was sitting up now, her cheeks dotted with sweat. +The 1uestion,/ %% said again. +4hich is precisely what I am asking you. 4hat 1uestion=/ +>ou know, for someone as 1uick-witted as you are, you&d think you&d be a little more able to pick up on the obvious. The 1uestion, silly. The gay 1uestion. She asked me if I&m gay./ +4ell that didn&t take long./ :ueenie chewed her lower lip. +It was bound to happen sooner than later. I mean, everyone on campus thinks that the entire women&s basketball team is gay./ +Aren&t we=/ This was one of the unfortunate conse1uences of attending a private school in the middle of a small, conservative southern town. ,ost people at Sampson Academy assumed that if you were a girl who was involved in sports, you automatically belonged to the rainbow coalition. +So, what did you say=/ :ueenie asked. +I told her the truth./ +And did she run away screaming=/ +Thankfully, no./ %% sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. +She was . . . she seemed okay with it./ +Is she still going to let you tutor her=/ +4e&re supposed to meet tonight. 4e&ll see if she shows up./ :ueenie started to say something else, and then stopped. +4hat=/ %% asked. +6othing./ +$on&t do that,/ %% scolded. +%ust tell me. (or crying out loud, it&s getting hot in here./ She could feel the underside of her knees collecting sweat. +I just think you should be careful. That&s all./ +:ueenie, she&s straight. 8emember=/ +"recisely my point. >ou always fall for the straight girls./ +I don&t always fall for straight girls./ +6o= $o you really want me to recite the list of names=/ +-kay. So I&ve been attracted to a few straight girls in the past, so what= It&s not like it&s a habit or anything. They were just little crushes, nothing serious./ %% turned her head and muttered, +#'cept for the $ibble Syndrome of course./ +-h, yes,/ :ueenie agreed. +The $ibble Syndrome was something special. Thankfully though, the other girls you had crushes on were fortunate enough to be spared your obsessive ways./ +0ute./

+9ut my point is that I don&t think this is just a little crush that you&ve got going on here./ :ueenie sat up, clasped her hands together and pointed her jointed fingers in %%&s direction. +>ou know how straight girls work, right= 5irls like us intrigue them and they get curious. Then, after their curiosity wears off, they freak out and say they were just e'ploring that side of things and while it was fun and all, what they really want is a guy./ +:ueenie,/ %% sighed. +It&s true. It&s called the science e'periment./ +I don&t care what it&s called. >ou&re being ridiculous./ +7ook,/ :ueenie said pointedly. +I&m not just making this up for your amusement. I&ve been there, I&ve been the science e'periment before and it&s not fun. I just don&t want to see you get used or hurt, and I think this situation has the potential to go in that direction. >ou don&t think with your head in these situations. >ou follow that emotional lump in the center of your chest instead./ %% began to massage her forehead, shielding her eyes. +I know you like her,/ :ueenie continued, unabashed. She lifted up her legs and stretched out her sweat-saturated body. +The least you can do is admit that much./ %%&s hand dropped swiftly from her eyes, +-kay, so I like her. So what= She&s beautiful and smart and there&s something special about her and I want to find out what it is. There&s this energy between us, I can&t e'plain, but it . . . ./ %% stopped talking as soon as she reali3ed she had said too much. +I knew it,/ said :ueenie. +I knew you liked her./ +4hat do you want, a medal=/ +6ah*the simple thrill of being right is satisfaction enough./ %% groaned. +7et&s get out of here, I&m about to sweat away to nothing./ They lifted themselves off of the benches and opened the sauna door. The coolness of the locker room air embraced them and %% took a long, drawn-out breath to fill her lungs before she went over to the sink and splashed cold water on her hot sticky face. +2ey,/ said :ueenie as she wiped off her legs with a towel. +I did mean half of what I said in there. 9e careful. And don&t get wrapped up in something just to satisfy ,iss ,c0arthy&s curiosity because it&ll come back to bite you in the end. A straight girl can&t be anything but straight. That&s something that isn&t going to change./ +>ou have nothing to worry about,/ %% said as she wiped her face with her shirt before she slipped on her sweatshirt. +She&s not interested in me like that./ +2ow do you know=/ +I just know. And I don&t want to let myself get hopeful about something that, 1uite frankly, isn&t going to happen./ +6o, you don&t,/ :ueenie echoed. +She&s a cheerleader after all./ +That she is./ +I hardly even know her. The whole thing is just ridiculous./ +"reposterous, really./ +I&ll just stick to the tutoring./ +Stick to what you know best./ +Are you ready to get out of here=/ %% asked while tying up the laces of her sneakers. +-r are you just going to sit there antagoni3ing me./

+>ou know, they are the most closeted of them all*cheerleaders. I bet any one of these so-called cheerleading camps is a breeding ground for closet lesbians. 2ey. ,aybe we could do like an undercover operation. >ou know, like research or something= 4e can pretend we&re writing a paper about it./ %% frowned. +4hat= 4e can at least e'plore the idea,/ :ueenie insisted. +It&s not without merit./

CHAPTER
;yan grunted as he finished the last set of s1uats on his well-muscled legs that now shook more like 1uivering rubber. 2e was pushing himself to the limit. 9ut it wasn&t because he was tired. It was because he was frustrated. +2ey, don&t push it,/ %ason warned as he watched ;yan from the bench beside him. +>ou&re going to hurt yourself./ +8ela',/ ;yan said, straightening up. +I&m fine./ 2e breathed in hard and wiped the sweat away from his forehead with the bottom of his muscle tank top. +>ou don&t look so good,/ %ason remarked. ;yan glared at him. Then he studied himself in the mirror and frowned. It was true. 2e looked absolutely horrible. 2is skin was e'tremely pale, without the usual hint of golden brown that he&d achieved over the summer lifeguarding at the beach where his parents owned a summer home. 2is eyes had grown gloomy and gray, and he bore a fresh scratch just above his left cheek from having been elbowed in the face while trying to head the ball. They had traveled across the state to play 0artwright, the lowest-seeded team in their division. 7ately it seemed as if the entire soccer team was comprised of a group of underweight sissies who didn&t comprehend the meaning of teamwork or dedication. They had been outplayed and outmatched by a less talented team. As a result, they had lost the game, getting pummeled five to nothing. And to make matters worse, ;endal ,c0arthy had snubbed him completely on (riday night. After she&d left him sitting alone on that couch, wondering what in the world he could have possibly done wrong, ;yan reali3ed that he was going to have to step up his game just a little bit. ;endal was playing hard to get and while it was a tad annoying, it was also incredibly appealing. +So what happened (riday night=/ %ason asked. +$id you hook up with her=/ ;yan picked up two dumbbells and knelt down on a bench. 2e started working his triceps, his eyes glued to the mirror so that he could observe his form. +I thought so,/ %ason concluded after a moment. ;yan immediately dropped the weight from his hand and stood up. +Thought what=/ he asked firmly. +Thought that she was out of your league,/ %ason laughed. +#ven for you./ ;yan took a step closer so that his nose was about an inch away from %ason&s. +4ho said she&s out of my league=/ +$ude. 8ela'. It&s obvious that you didn&t get anywhere with her./ ;yan lunged forward and pushed %ason in the chest. %ason gritted his teeth, +4hat&s your problem=/

;yan glared hard as he tried to think of a good reason to get in %ason&s face. 2e stood face to face with him a moment longer before he bent over, picked up the weight and began lifting again. +6othing,/ he said between breaths. +She&s just going to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated, that&s all./ +I hear ya,/ %ason said, not wanting to add to ;yan&s salty mood. +It wouldn&t be any fun if she just gave in easily./ +#'actly./ +>ou almost done= I&m hungry./ ;yan&s stomach was growling so loudly that it seemed to be echoing throughout the entire workout room. 9ut he knew he still had more work to do. 2is stamina had weakened early during yesterday&s game, so he was determined to work out longer to build up more endurance and strength. +I&ve got more work to do here./ +All right,/ said %ason. +0atch you later then./ ;yan began to work on stretches with his arms and legs. ,aybe he would even head over to the soccer field and take a few shots on net. Though his legs ached, he pushed through the pain. Something else was aching inside him, as well. Though he had singled ;endal out as the girl he most desperately wanted to be with during his last year at Sampson Academy, he wasn&t even sure he liked her that much. Sure, she was pretty and probably the best-looking girl on campus, but there was something missing. 4henever he thought back to the list of girls he dated, that seemed to be the prevailing issue*something was always missing. 9ut he also knew that it wasn&t the feelings he was supposed to have for them. It was status. ,aybe one day he&d meet a girl he actually cared for, one he&d want to get to know on a deeper level. 4ith that, he centered his thoughts on ne't weekend&s party, the legendary inviteonly soccer party. #ach player was allowed to invite one guest. And his guest was going to be ;endal ,c0arthy. There&s no way she would turn him down. Invite-only was a gathering of all the <I" students at Sampson. And ;endal had a reputation to uphold. ;yan was confident that he would get another shot. And this time he was going to convince her to give in to him.

CHAPTER !
;endal had done a good job of avoiding the weekend soccer party scene. She had feigned sickness on Saturday evening and spent the night watching reruns and ,T<&s The 8eal 4orld. 0hristine got home late. She had stumbled into the room and fallen onto the floor, simultaneously knocking over a stack of books. ;endal had to help her into bed. As a result, 0hristine spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon wearing a bluecolored cold pack with eye-holes cut out over her face. She looked like a female version of a modern day Gorro. In times past ;endal would have been right there with 0hristine, both of them lying in agony, drinking refillable bottles of water, popping Tylenol,and watching endless hours of 7ifetime television. 9ut today, ;endal had gotten up early and gone for a walk. Sometimes it ama3ed her how beautiful Sampson Academy was, especially in fall when the leaves had begun to change colors. <ibrant shades of red, orange and yellow were scattered amongst the branches reaching high into the sky.

9uilt back in the DHFFs, the campus consisted of colonial buildings made of brick and grand white pillars. 9ay windows sat atop four-story buildings fronted by circular porches. All of the buildings were named after local heroes and students who had gone on to become +somebodies./ That was the school motto*Sampson Academy, 9e Somebody. ;endal always thought the school motto should be*Sampson Academy, where everyone knows your name and your business. This was because of the small student population and ensuring that all of the classes had at most fifteen students to one teacher. It was hands-on learning, where every student could get to know his or her teachers on a personal basis. That, plus the beauty of the campus, was why ;endal had been attracted to the school in the first place. -ther factors included Sampson&s unblemished academic reputation and its ability to prepare students for college. ;endal&s parents, her father especially, insisted that she go to Sampson so that she could get into a good college. They were afraid that if she attended a public high school she would be on the fast track to community college. It didn&t matter to her parents that the tuition bill left them financially strapped. #ducation was far more important. (or that reason, ;endal felt pressured to get good grades. She hated to disappoint her parents. At first she hated Sampson because she felt so out of place. She hadn&t planned on getting involved in any school activities. 9ut the appeal of friendships and social interaction sort of swept her up and spit her out, and the ne't thing she knew, she was a part of the cheerleading team. The other cheerleaders had taken a liking to her right from the start. They invited her to sit with them at their table in the cafeteria and to social gatherings and soccer parties. She finally felt like she belonged. ;endal&s walk had led her into town to buy some essentials, including tampons and a few snack items such as 8eese&s "eanut 9utter 0ups and her one major food addiction, 0he' ,i'. She passed by The Spot and peered into the window. The room to the left of the main counter was filled with artsy types of paintings on the wall and soft plushy couches scattered hapha3ardly across a gleaming maple floor. -ne foamy apple-red chair off in the corner was built in the shape of a giant hand, so you could sit in the palm. To the right of the counter stood a stage, a very small stage that featured a solid black backdrop with a single brown bar stool in the center. Across the backdrop ;endal read the words, +fantasi3e reality,/ spelled out in big bold white letters. There were a few round tables in front of the stage and set off to the back of the room, big enough to accommodate just two to three people at a time. <otive candles floated in bowls of water at the center of each table. So this is where %% likes to hang out, ;endal thought. She pictured the place filled with random vagabonds and folk singers on the center stage, humming original songs about the meaning of life. This wasn&t the type of place she would have initially guessed that %% would go to on a (riday night. 8ather, she could see her at some sporting event, like a hockey game with a bunch of her basketball teammates, or maybe a local sports bar where #S"6 played on ten different television sets, and overbearing drunkards challenged one another to games of pool and darts. 9ut here was her hangout*a sweet and inviting coffee shop, something of a hidden treasure where she probably spent her time having intellectual conversations with eccentric people. 4ho knew such things e'isted in a town built around a soccer rivalry and the annual homecoming weekend packed with games and a lavish parade=

;endal took a step back from the window and glanced at the hours posted below. 6e't to the open sign was a poster that read, +"oetry Slam #very (riday 6ight./ The first pri3e winner won fifty dollars and publication in a local writing maga3ine called &cattered Thoughts. She wondered if %% knew about the contest. %%. ;endal hadn&t thought about her conversation with %% since (riday night, until that moment. A nervous sensation erupted inside of her when she thought about the fact that she&d be seeing %% at the library in a couple of hours. She felt slightly ashamed for being so blunt and asking %% about her se'ual orientation. It really was none of her business, but 0hristine had planted all of those thoughts in her head in the first place. And ;endal&s curiosity was something that she always had a hard time controlling. -nce, when she was about five, she&d found a book of matches in her mother&s purse. Although she knew they were dangerous, she desperately wanted to see what would happen if she struck one really fast. 4ell, something happened all right. The entire matchbook caught on fire and in a panic she&d dropped it into the bottom of the purse. 2er mom&s favorite bag had gone up in flames, and was reduced to a gooey, ashy, black mess in the middle of the living room floor. Though the incident had left her unharmed, she would be scarred for the rest of her young life with the nickname 0urious ;endal, given to her by her older brother. There were other occasions where 0urious ;endal struck with reckless abandon, many of which could be forgotten, but each satisfying an overwhelming urge to see just what would happen or to simply find out the truth. That&s e'actly why she&d asked %% about her se'ual orientation. ;endal grabbed her cell phone out of her purse and checked the time. In just a few more hours they would be meeting at the library. She tingled in anticipation.

%%%
-nce back at the dorm, ;endal slowly opened the door to her room, afraid to disturb 0hristine, who she sometimes alluded to as Sleeping 9eauty. 9ut as soon as she spied 0hristine&s body, it became obvious that her roommate was awake. +)ghhhh,/ 0hristine moaned, curled up in a fetal position and clutching her i"hone. +I think this is the worst possible hangover I&ve ever had. >ou know what I need=/ +Alcoholics Anonymous=/ asked ;endal, smartly. +(unny. 6o. I need some grease, you know=/ 0hristine pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. +4hat do you think about pi33a=/ ;endal paused. +I like pi33a, but I think I like it best when it&s just cheese. >ou know, the perfect combination of cheese and sauce. And thick crust, I like thick crust./ 0hristine dropped her hand to her side heavily, as if were weighted down. +Is there a particular reason why you&re being such a sarcastic snot right now=/ 2er eyes bore into ;endal, who busied herself sifting through the pile of books on her desk. +I&m sorry,/ ;endal returned, thoughtfully. 6ormally sarcasm wasn&t something she played at, but she was irritated at watching 0hristine wasting the day in bed, dramati3ing herself. Although she recogni3ed her passive-aggressive manner, it still provided a way to release her irritation. 6evertheless, she dropped the attitude. +>ou were saying*/

+"i33a, I was saying. 7et&s get some pi33a for dinner./ 0hristine sat up now, the prospect of food taking hold. She fiddled with her i"hone and started looking up the number for a local pi33a place. +And then we could rent a movie, some sappy romantic comedy or something./ +0an&t,/ said ;endal, without the least bit of regret. +I&ve got a tutoring session in the library. I&m going to eat at the dining hall, and then head straight over. ,aybe 7aurie will want to do pi33a./ 7aurie, another cheerleader who lived in their dorm, though slightly overweight, was 1uite proud of her junk food addiction. In fact, 7aurie let it be known that pi33a was one of the five important food groups, at least in her world. ;endal often wondered if 7aurie laundered money from the cheerleading fund and dues collection to buy the enormous amount of junk food and goodies that she kept stashed in her dorm room closet. #very time they hung out in 7aurie&s room, ;endal half e'pected to find cardboard bo'es full of -reo cookies, potato chips, candy bars and the like sitting somewhere amidst the clutter. +,ore tutoring with the lesbian=/ 0hristine asked. 2er tone brushed hard against ;endal&s ears. +4hy do you have to even bring that up=/ +9ecause she is./ +She has a name. It&s %%. ,aybe you should try using it./ +4hat is your deal= >ou&ve been acting strange ever since you started hitting the books so hard./ +I don&t have a deal. 4hat I do have is a tutoring session with a girl who&s kind of cool, and I think that maybe you should stop judging people when you don&t even know a thing about them./ 0hristine climbed out of bed, and evened out her pajama shorts. 2er lips were moving, and ;endal sensed that she was choosing her words carefully. +I know all I need to know about her,/ she said coolly. +And don&t forget, I know you, too./ She casually grabbed her robe off of the back of the door and pulled it on. As she was tying the knot around her waist, she looked up at ;endal. 2er eyes were icy. +I don&t know who you are trying to be lately, but it sure isn&t the ;endal ,c0arthy that I know./ She pulled the knot tighter and tossed ;endal one final cold look before she left the room. (uming, ;endal threw her books into her backpack. 4hat bothered her most was the fact that 0hristine somehow managed to sneak in the last word. +I know me,/ she said aloud in the vacant room, her voice overflowing with anger. +I know myself better than anyone, and I also know that for the past few years I haven&t been the real me./ In the middle of her monologue, she stepped on something s1uishy lying on the floor. She bent over, picked up the ice mask that 0hristine had been wearing, and threw it at her unmade bed. +>ou don&t know me at all,/ she spat. +So take your little beauty mask and shove it./

CHAPTER "

%% was at the library much earlier than she needed to be. She&d skipped going to the dining hall with :ueenie, afraid that she might get distracted or delayed by needless conversation. Instead, she enjoyed a healthy portion of ramen noodles, the chicken-flavored kind, and some crackers. She also took a long time to select an outfit. 6ormally she would go to the library wearing nothing more than jogging pants and a sweatshirt, but today she felt like raising the bar just a bit. She put on a pair of jeans and a vintage T-shirt from the 5ap. Instead of wearing her usual baseball cap, she decided to slather some gel in her hair and spike up the ends just so. She even sprayed on some cologne for good measure. 6ow she sat in the library at the same table ;endal and she had been at last time, her knees shaking slightly. #very so often, she caught a whiff of her own cologne and smiled. At the very least, she certainly smelled good. 2er cell phone bu33ed in her pocket. She took it out and read a te't message from :ueenie, +9eware of the science e'periment./ All %% could do was laugh. She stuffed her cell phone back in her pocket, and idly thumbed through a book of poetry she&d pulled off one of the shelves. She kept a watchful eye on the door as she reread each sentence. Somehow, she&d missed seeing ;endal storm her way into the library, and looked up only when the girl reached the table. ;endal&s bag of books landed on top of the table with a resounding thud. +2i,/ she said, her face e'pressionless. +)m, are you okay=/ %% asked cautiously. +,e= >eah. I&m fine./ She reached into her bag and pulled out the bag of 0he' ,i' she had bought earlier. +#'cept for the fact that I&ve just now reali3ed that I&ve wasted all my time here at Sampson on a group of girls who are mostly small-minded and lack any substance at all./ +That&s a bit harsh, don&t you think=/ ;endal slid down into the chair ne't to her. +6o. I think it&s dead on,/ she snapped. Then she slid the bag of 0he' ,i' over to %% who politely declined. ;endal shrugged and began snacking mindlessly. +I&ve known these girls for three years now and they don&t even have one small clue about who I really am./ She tucked her hair back behind her ears, which caused %% to look at her in ama3ement. +4ow, you have tiny ears./ +4hat=/ +>our ears. They&re tiny. And cute./ +>eah,/ ;endal said. +They&re small. So what=/ +6othing. I*I just noticed. That&s all./ %% instantly wished that she could censor her thoughts before they spilled out of her mouth without her consent. +)h, about your friends*is it possible that maybe you just haven&t let them in= >ou know, let them in to get to know the real you=/ +So it&s my fault=/ ;endal&s hand smacked her own chest. +Is that what you are saying=/ +I&m not pointing fingers,/ said %% 1uickly. +All I&m saying is that friendships involve at least two people, right= And each person has to give a little in order to get a little. If you don&t let them see the real you, how are they supposed to get to know the real you=/ ;endal halted her rant. She hadn&t thought of it that way. +It&s just an outside opinion, of course,/ said %%. +I get what you&re saying. I think I&m just frustrated with everything in my life now. 9efore it all made sense, but somewhere along the way I&ve changed and suddenly nothing makes any sense to me anymore./ +Trust me, I know the feeling./

+>ou do=/ +-f course I do. 9efore I accepted the fact that I was gay, everything in my life seemed simple. I had boyfriends and everything made sense. And then suddenly it all began to change. I wasn&t happy with anything anymore and I couldn&t understand why. Things that I once enjoyed became boring to me or unimportant./ %% looked down at her empty hands and then at ;endal. +9ut once I figured out the root of it, things began to fall into place again. 6ow I know that this is who I am and who I&m happy being. Things in my life make sense again./ +That must have been hard, holding something like that inside without telling anyone. ,y problem is that I don&t even know the root of why things have changed for me./ +4ell, I don&t think it&s because you are gay,/ %% said with a smirk. ;endal laughed. +6o, I don&t think so either./ Though lately she wasn&t so sure. +,aybe you are just changing as a person. It doesn&t have to be anything specific. 0ould be as simple as your outlook on life or what has become important to you now, as opposed to when you were a freshman. I think that when we get to college, we&ll do a lot of soul-searching and find out who we really are. >ou&re just getting a head start./ +I feel like I can really talk to you,/ ;endal said suddenly. +Sorry for going off like that. I know you&re my tutor, and not my counselor./ %% felt her face grow hot, and she knew she was blushing. She stared ahead, avoiding ;endal&s eyes. +I&m glad. It&s, uh, important to feel comfortable with your tutor./ ;endal repositioned her chair at the table and moved closer to %%. +-kay. I feel better. And I think I can actually concentrate on studying./ She un3ipped her backpack and took out a purple folder and a couple of books. +So, back to poetry. 7et&s do this one first./ She opened one of her book to a page marked with a yellow sticky note, and then slid the volume over to %%. %% regained her composure and looked down at the page. +A 7etter to $aphnis,/ she read. +Anne (inch was a talented woman./ +I&m sure she was. I think I prefer $ickinson, though./ +2ow come=/ +I don&t know. ,aybe because I finally understand her poetry now, and I don&t want to move on to other authors./ ;endal forced a laugh. +Stick to what you know, right=/ +I don&t think you&re giving yourself enough credit,/ %% reassured her, easing into a smile, admiring the dips along the edge of ;endal&s lips and how they were most visible whenever ;endal seemed self-conscious. +4hat=/ ;endal asked, nervously brushing a strand of hair from face. +6othing,/ said %%. They read the poem together as %% pointed out a few key lines to help ;endal make sense of the poem as a whole. +(inch was a true feminist, though she didn&t want that to override the fact that she was still deeply in love and could be in love, while still maintaining her sense of self. In this poem, she e'presses how, though it is difficult, one can still find a happy medium between being both a devoted lover and an opinionated woman at the same time./ +That must have been hard back then,/ ;endal said. +In those days most women gave up their dreams and ambitions to be housewives./ %%&s head bobbed in agreement, +#'actly. And in this poem, (inch makes it clear to her lover that she has no such plan in mind. She writes, @%udge not my passion, but my want of skill.

,any love well, but e'press it ill.& See, she wants him to know that though she is driven, and, like you said, has her own dreams, but at the same time, that doesn&t mean she can&t love him with all that she has. In fact, she loves him more fully than some women who have no ambition at all./ +4ow,/ said ;endal. +That&s pretty intense./ +>eah, it is./ ;endal flinched. +I hope I didn&t sound like a ditsy cheerleader just then./ +>ou didn&t at all. %ust don&t start saying totally every other sentence./ ;endal flipped back her hair. +This poem is like, totally awesome./ %% nudged her shoulder, +0ute./ +>ou&re not at all what I thought you were,/ said ;endal. +4hat did you think=/ +I don&t know. I guess I didn&t know what to e'pect./ +I understand,/ said %%. +4hen I found out I was tutoring you, I didn&t know what to e'pect either. All I knew was that you were popular and last year&s homecoming 1ueen./ +And that I was probably just like all the other cheerleaders./ +,aybe at first,/ said %%. +9ut you&re not. >ou&re different./ +$ifferent, how=/ %% shrugged. +>ou just are./ They continued to regard one another, until %%&s knee once again began to shake involuntarily. +I&ll be right back,/ she said, standing up 1uickly. As she pushed her chair back from the table, she accidentally knocked over her bag, which had been resting on the floor. 2er journal spilled out, and she tripped over it. +4hoops,/ %% said, feeling nervous and clumsy. She plucked up the journal and set it on the table before she walked away. ;endal eyeballed the journal. It looked pretty beat up, the edges frayed and the binding worn. She could feel her famous li1uid curiosity pumping through her veins. %ust one 1uick peek, she thought. Then she&d set it right back down. She reached for the journal, and flipped it open close to the middle. 2er eyes 1uickly scanned the words scribbled across the page. It appeared to be a poem titled (irst ;iss. She sneaked a peek to make sure %% wasn&t anywhere in sight before she began to read with reckless abandon. +ar6ness looms ' cannot see ' feel your /reath upon my s6in &par6ing a nervous warmth ' reach for you &liding my palm across your chee6 &o softly, afraid you4ll /rea6 *hispers reach my insides (ulling them into 6nots My flesh trem/les *ith each caress -ntil your lips find mine Timid at first touch

.rowing hungry with each 6iss My mind races %o clear thoughts, 5ust di88iness 'nto you ' slowly melt The images were so vivid, so real, that ;endal could feel the tingle on her skin, just as if she were the person in the poem. She had to read it again. She was about halfway through when she felt someone leaning over her. She 1uickly set the book down onto the table, and then shook her head apologetically. +I&m sorry. >our journal was just lying there, and I was wondering if it was poetry or something. I swear I wouldn&t have read it if I&d known it was personal or*+ She stopped talking as soon as she looked up. ;yan Stevens, who she now thought of as ;yan the couch monster, was standing ne't to her chair, looming over her like some creepy, ominous shadow. ;endal could feel his supposedly innocent brown eyes e'amining her thoroughly from head to toe. +2ey,/ he said with an overconfident grin. +0hristine said you were here./ +0hristine= 8eally=/ ;endal cursed her roommate under her breath. +$id she mention I had a tutoring session=/ +6o. She just said you were in the library pretending to study./ ;yan wasn&t carrying a backpack, so ;endal knew he had no intention of actually studying himself. 2e was there specifically to hit on her. 2ow wonderful= +4ell, I&m not pretending. I&m actually studying./ ;endal shuffled a few loose papers in front of her and started to write something down, hoping he would take the hint and leave. 2e didn&t. +7isten,/ ;yan said smoothly. +>ou&ve probably heard that the team is having our legendary invite-only party ne't (riday night./ +)m, no. I haven&t heard anything at all./ +8eally= #veryone&s talking about it./ +6ope. 2aven&t heard a thing./ ;endal was lying, of course, because it was all any of her friends could talk about lately. #veryone was te'ting about who was going to get invited, and who was going to be left out. 7ast year, 0hristine almost had a nervous breakdown when she reali3ed that she hadn&t been invited. A day before the party she&d tracked %ason down, hooked up with him, and the ne't day he dumped his original invite to invite 0hristine instead. She and %ason had been dating ever since. 9ack then ;endal had been impressed by 0hristine&s persistence. 6ow, she found it pathetic. +#ach member of the soccer team invites a girl to come to the party,/ ;yan continued. +It&s e'clusive./ +I know what it is,/ said ;endal. +I was there last year./ +-h./ ;endal could tell that she was throwing a huge rock in ;yan&s pond of smoothness. It was as if he wasn&t used to handling a few ripples. +4ell, anyway,/ he pressed on. +I came here because I wanted to let you know that I want you to be my invite./ ,y, he puts it so nicely, ;endal thought. +I&m honored,/ she said instead. +8eally I am, but I have this thing ne't (riday that I can&t miss./

+I&m sure you can get out of it,/ said ;yan. 2e put his hands on the table and leaned in. +>ou&d miss a really, really fun time with yours truly./ %% approached the table at that moment. 2er face was still damp, because she&d splashed water on it before reali3ing that the bathroom was out of paper towels. So she&d tried to stick her face under the blow dryer. That got e'tremely hot very fast, so now her moist face was a nice shade of pinkish-red. She sat down without glancing at either ;endal or ;yan. ;endal watched as ;yan studied %% carefully before he resumed his failing attempt to ask her out. +I promised %% I&d be at the poetry slam contest at The Spot ne't (riday,/ she blurted, reaching over to pinch %%&s leg. +8ight./ %% jumped. +8ight, ne't (riday. I made her promise to go with me./ ;yan considered their story. +,aybe another night then,/ he mumbled finally and walked away. +4hat was that about= And what poetry contest=/ %% asked, rubbing her leg where ;endal had pinched her. +6e't (riday,/ ;endal e'claimed. +I sort of forgot about it until now. It&s at that coffee shop you like, The Spot. I think you should enter./ +>ou&ve never even read my stuff,/ %% reminded her. ;endal bit her lip. +That&s not entirely true./ She tapped %%&s journal with the tip of her pen. +I only read a little bit. It was just sitting there and I took the opportunity to read it. I&m sorry./ %% 1uietly reali3ed that any humiliation she&d e'pected to feel if anyone ever laid eyes on her writing, simply was not there. Instead, she felt delighted that ;endal had wanted to dip into that side of her. +I read the one about someone&s first kiss./ ;endal shifted curiously in her seat. +4as that *about another woman=/ +>es,/ said %%. +It was my first kiss, just as I described it./ She swallowed hard. +0an I ask what you thought about it=/ ;endal&s eyes lit up. +It was incredible./ %% swallowed again as ;endal leaned in so close that %% could feel the warmth of her breath. +I&d like to read some more. If you&ll let me./ (or some reason it was hard for %% to share her poetry with other people, but not because poetry was personal. It was hard because she was afraid of what people would think. She was afraid of their reaction, of what they might say. And she was even more afraid of what ;endal would think, of what she might say. +So, is there something going on with him=/ %% asked, eager to change the subject. She heard a tinge of jealously in her voice, and hoped ;endal hadn&t picked up on it. +4ho= ;yan=/ ;endal dismissed him with a simple wave of her hand. +2e&s so full of himself. Suddenly, it seems I&m high on his @to date& list./ +(rom what I hear, his @to date& list is a lot shorter now than it was when he was a freshman./ +That&s because he hooks up with anything that walks. I don&t know what he&s thinking, though. I&m not going to fall all over him just because he happens to be the captain of the soccer team./ +It&s good to know that you have morals./ +4ell, I&m one of the good girls,/ said ;endal. +I was raised right./ +I guess so./

+So, about this poetry slam thingy. Are you going to do it=/ %% shook her head. +I go to open readings and poetry contests all of the time,/ she e'plained. +They have one every (riday night. I just don&t participate./ +4hy not=/ %% looked at ;endal momentarily, and then averted her eyes, embarrassed at what she was about to admit. +I have a fear of being on stage./ +Are you serious=/ +>eah, I&m serious. I wouldn&t joke about a thing like that. I used to play the sa'ophone when I was younger, maybe like ten or so*/ +The sa'ophone=/ +I&m e'plaining to you why I have stage fright,/ said %% impatiently. +See, we had this talent contest one year at school, and I thought I was the best sa'ophone player in the world. And when the contest came up, I got on stage and played the only song I knew. And during the whole thing, everybody in the audience started to laugh, because I kept playing the wrong notes and about halfway through the song, I fro3e./ %% closed her eyes, remembering the harsh sound of the contemptuous laughter that circled through the auditorium around her. +I ran off stage so fast, I almost ran into the wall in the hallway. I&ve never been on another stage since./ +That is so sad,/ ;endal said. +It basically scarred me for life./ %% forced a laugh as she opened her eyes again. +5ood thing I don&t plan on having a career in acting or anything./ ;endal hesitated then asked, +$on&t you think it&s time to confront that fear=/ +I&m trying,/ %% said 1uietly. +9ut it&s different with this. 4riting is my life. I never played the sa'ophone ever again after that day. And if something happened, if I got upset on stage, I might freak out and give up writing altogether./ +That would never happen./ +9ut it might. I can&t take that risk. 4riting is my life./ +That&s the second time you&ve said that./ +Said what=/ +That writing is your life./ +So=/ +So, that alone should tell you how important it is to you, and that no matter what happens while you are up on stage, you&d never be able to give it up./ ;endal put her hand on %%&s shoulder. +>ou have a gift and you should be able to share it with other people./ +0ome on,/ %% rolled her eyes. +>ou sound like my mother./ +4ell=/ +4ell, what= I&m not going up on stage. I&m not ready./ +-kay,/ ;endal said, releasing her hand from %%&s shoulder. +I&m just saying that maybe we could work on it, you know. I mean, I&m interested in your poetry and you need to practice sharing it. So maybe you can practice with me./ +,aybe,/ %% said, desperately wanting to change the subject. She never thought she could have revealed something so personal to ;endal so easily. +It&s getting late. Are you going back to your dorm=/ ;endal debated the 1uestion. +I suppose I should,/ she said, without enthusiasm. She glanced at her cell phone and saw that 0hristine had sent her nearly a do3en te'ts since she&d arrived at the library. ;endal had a hunch they were about ;yan.

;endal shoved her phone into her purse and watched as %% slid her poetry book into her backpack. She felt a pang of guilt erupt in her chest. +2ey*/ %% looked up. +Thanks for not getting mad at me for reading your poem. I want you to know that I really did like it and I meant everything I said./ +I&m glad./ %% smiled. +>ou are the only person who&s ever read it besides me./ Their eyes locked for a moment and ;endal felt an electric sensation travel the length of her arms. She instantly looked away. They left the library and %% offered to walk ;endal back to her dorm. As they reached the front of the building, %% turned and asked one of the 1uestions she&d been pondering along the way. +4ere you serious about ne't (riday night=/ +Serious about what=/ ;endal asked, though she knew e'actly what %% meant. +>ou participating in the poetry contest=/ +>eah, that&s not going to happen./ %% paused and then plunged forward. +4ould you still like to go, though= I mean, go with me= There are some great poets around here, and some of the writing is ama3ing. It might help you with class and*/ +I&d like that,/ said ;endal. +I&d like that a lot./ %% took a deep breath. +0ool,/ she said, then instantly winced. +That sounded really dumb, didn&t it=/ +Totally,/ ;endal teased. %% shifted her backpack from her left to her right shoulder. +So, I&ll meet you out here after I get out of practice=/ +2ow about I meet you in the school lounge instead= 4e could walk over from there./ +Sure, that&ll work./ +0atch you later,/ ;endal said casually, and clicked the roof of her mouth with her tongue. +>eah, later,/ %% managed as she watched ;endal walk down the cement path and through the front door of her dorm. She raised her hands and rubbed them against her eyes before she silently cursed into the crisp, fall air. 4hat in the world was she getting herself into=

%%%
-nce in the confines of the dorm, ;endal closed the door behind her without looking back. She was fearful that if %% even glimpsed over her shoulder, she would know. She would instantly sense what ;endal was feeling. She collapsed backward against the closed door, her backpack pressed tightly against her chest. The poem she read in %%&s journal was still fresh in her mind, and it was the only thing she had thought about during the entire walk home. She breathed hard and her hands shook. She hadn&t felt like this since the time she kissed 9obby %enkins in si'th grade behind the jungle gym at the school playground. >et, this was no boy she was getting all worked up over. 2er entire body trembled and shivered with confusion. 4as this it= 4as this the feeling of a +wild night=/

She sighed. Somehow, she managed to peel herself away from the door and headed down the hallway to her room, still lost in a di33y ha3e, counting down the days in her head until she&d see %% again.

CHAPTER #
+4hat on earth are you smiling about=/ 0hristine asked as ;endal entered their room. +6othing,/ ;endal replied 1uickly. She tried desperately to wipe the smile from her face, but it seemed to be permanently cemented there. 0hristine returned her attention to her i"hone, apparently not amused. +I&ve been te'ting you all night. 2ow come you didn&t respond=/ +I was studying, remember= I couldn&t e'actly play with my cell phone the entire time./ +I guess. 2ow was the library=/ +-h, very interesting,/ ;endal answered. The thought of ;yan the couch monster hulking over her made her cringe. +I had an uninvited visitor./ +8eally= 4ho=/ +$on&t play innocent, 0hristine. ;yan came bustling in and asked me to the e'clusive soccer party ne't weekend, as if I&d somehow be privileged to be his date./ 0hristine&s head shot up. +Tell me you said yes./ +I said @no&, I&m afraid,/ ;endal replied, with satisfaction. +>ou didn&t./ +I did./ +Are you nuts= It&s invite-only, ;endal./ +I couldn&t care less. 9esides, I already have plans./ +7et me guess, more tutoring=/ +6ot e'actly,/ ;endal said, smiling again. +%ust something different./ 0hristine gasped. +>ou&re going to a gay club, aren&t you=/ +4hat= 6o, I&m not going to a gay club./ +She&s turning you into a lesbian, isn&t she=/ 0hristine was up off her bed, pacing frantically around the room. ;endal watched her in amusement. +4ill you rela'=/ she said. +I&m not turning into a lesbian, so 1uit freaking out./ 0hristine grabbed hold of ;endal&s shoulders and held on to them tightly. +>ou just passed on an invitation to one of the hottest parties of the year. >our senior year, ;endal= "lease tell me you&re delirious, or that you&ve suddenly caught amnesia./ ;endal shook free of 0hristine&s grip and flopped down on her bed. +I don&t have amnesia and I&m not delirious. I&m just*don&t you ever get sick of it=/ +Sick of what=/ +Sick of the soccer parties, the superficial status, the empty conversations, the whole thing=/ +4hy on earth would I be sick of it=/ 0hristine asked in disbelief. +This is what going to a private school like Sampson is all about. I&m getting my fill because ne't year I&ll be working my butt off at college, paying rent for some crappy apartment, and figuring out what in the world I want to do with the rest my life./

+I get it,/ ;endal said and flopped down on her back. +I understand all about the high school e'perience. I just think I&ve gotten my fill already. I&m ready to start figuring out who I am. I&m ready to grow up a little bit. Is that so hard to understand=/ 0hristine folded her arms across her chest, +Are you taking some philosophy course this semester that I don&t know about=/ ;endal plucked a stuffed teddy bear off the side of her bed that she&d owned since she was five, and shoved its tiny head into her mouth. Then she screamed in muffled frustration. +Something is seriously going on with you,/ 0hristine observed. She sat down on the bed ne't to ;endal and gently removed the bear from her mouth. +2e genuinely likes you, you know=/ +4ho=/ +;yan. 2e came here before I sent him to the library telling me how much he really likes you and how he wanted to ask you to the party so that he could get to know you better. That&s the only reason I told him where you were./ +All he wants to know is how my body looks without any clothes on,/ ;endal said bitterly. +And then show me off like a trophy around school./ +-kay, I admit that ;yan doesn&t have the greatest history when it comes to dating girls at school. 9ut, that being said, he seemed really interested in you as a person. $oesn&t that intrigue you in the least=/ +6ot in the least,/ ;endal returned. +7ike I said, I have plans./ +To do what=/ +To do something else./ +4hat is it, some top-secret mission that you can&t share with me= 4ho are you, 9at 4oman=/ 0hristine threw ;endal&s bear down on the bed. It bounced near the edge and rolled over onto the floor. +I&m supposedly your best friend./ +4hy are you so interested in my plans anyway=/ +9ecause, I want to know what could possibly be better than an invite-only soccer party with a bevy of frosty beverages and yours truly=/ To some degree ;endal understood why 0hristine was getting so upset. 9ut after three years of doing the same thing over and over again, she downright craved something different. +There&s this poetry contest at that little coffee shop in town that I want to go to./ +"oetry=/ +>es./ 0hristine chewed on the tip of her tongue before she flung her hands up and shrieked, +Seriously, ;endal=/ +4hat is the big deal= Is it really that terrible that I want to culture myself just a little bit=/ 0hristine sucked in a short breath. +(ine. $o your little poetry thingy. 0ulture yourself and all that mess. 9ut make room for a little fun and e'citement, will you= I&m sure it doesn&t last all night. >ou can just te't me when it&s finished, and come meet us after. $eal=/ +I don&t know./ +;endal, please= It&s our last year together. It would mean a lot to me./ +-kay./ ;endal gave up. She hated being put on the spot, especially by 0hristine, whose giant sapphire eyes reminded her of a child on the verge of a tantrum. +>es./ 0hristine flung herself forward and wrapped her arms around ;endal. +>ou won&t regret it. It&s going to be so much fun./

8ight, ;endal thought. She was already regretting it because now she had to find ;yan the couch monster, and tell him that she would like to be his invite at the party on (riday after all. -f course, she would have to lay down some very strict ground rules. )nfortunately, ;endal didn&t think that would keep ;yan from trying to make a move on her.

%%%
%% was in the school lounge sitting on one of the itchy cushioned chairs that was spacious enough to seat three people happily. She was sprawled out with her legs hanging over the sides, and her head resting comfortably on the opposite arm. Sitting nearly upside down, she held her journal tight against her legs while she scribbled intensely against the page. 2er headphones were plastered to her ears, blaring music so deafening that she couldn&t possibly hear if anybody walked by. She&d just written another poem. It had been fresh on her mind when she&d left ;endal in front of the dorm, and she&d wanted to write it down before she forgot it. The halfway point to her dorm was the school lounge, which now was comfortably deserted. Since it was Sunday night, everyone was either watching television in their dorm rooms or in the library doing homework. As for those few students who took to partying no matter what day of the week it was, the last place they would care to go was the school lounge. %% reread the words she&d just scrawled onto the page. “)ately ' find My heart and my mind disagree $ne so rational, the other so free $ne that has /een /ro6en, /ut continues to heal The other unspo6en, than6ful it can4t feel +ifferent entities, yet tied so tight Both content to do what is right But how can they /oth agree $n a concept that historically Has caused them to clash )ashing out feelings and thoughts $ne ought to /e felt and not heard The other mentally spews words Both causing a tornado to spin me around +o ' follow the cloud $r 6eep my feet firmly planted on the ground An everlasting de/ate for all of time +o ' follow my heart $r do ' fol . . .” 9efore %% could finish the last line, somebody tore the journal from her hands. She stared in awe as :ueenie began to dance around the chair with the notebook dangling from her fingers. 2er mouth was moving, but because %% had her headphones turned up so loud, she couldn&t hear what :ueenie was saying.

%% struggled to untwist herself, finally rolling over onto the floor. She tore her headphones from her ears only to hear :ueenie reciting the new poem in a very obno'ious, fake Shakespearian voice. %% glowered at her and climbed to her feet. The chair was the only thing that separated them. +5ive it back,/ she demanded. +$o I follow the cloud=/ :ueenie read, gesturing upward dramatically. +I said give it back./ +-r keep my feet firmly planted=/ :ueenie stomped. +:ueenie./ %% took off around the chair, chasing :ueenie through the lounge. Somehow :ueenie managed to keep reading the poem as she ran, determined to keep out of %%&s reach. +A6 #<#87ASTI65*/ she bellowed, as she ducked around a couch and then hopped up on a table as if it were a stage. %% stood before her, panting like a rabid dog. She reached over and tugged on :ueenie&s pant leg. :ueenie stared down at her. +#'cuse me. I&m in the middle of a performance here. $o you mind=/ +5ive it back,/ %% pleaded. +Autographs will be available afterwards in the lobby, thank you./ :ueenie shook her leg free of %%&s grip. Then she put one foot graciously in front of the other and regained her stance. 2er free hand reached high into the air as she angled her face to the make-believe crowd. +An everlasting debate for all of time,/ she roared. +$o I follow my heart= -r do I fol*= -r do I follow my mind= Is that what you were going to write=/ +>es,/ %% whispered miserably. +$o I follow my heart. -r do I follow my mind./ yelled :ueenie. 4hen she finished the last word, she bowed her head to an imaginary array of applause. +Are you through embarrassing me=/ +I think so,/ said :ueenie, tossing the journal to %%. She hopped off the table and straightened her shirt. +>ou know,/ %% gritted her teeth. +Sometimes words fail to describe the distaste I have for you./ +"lease. >ou&re a poet./ :ueenie patted her confidently on the back. +I&m sure you could think of a few./ +4hat do you want=/ +I was bored, so I came looking for you. >ou weren&t in the library so this was my ne't best guess./ +>ou are a true detective./ :ueenie pointed to the journal, +4as that little poem there about the homecoming 1ueen=/ +6o./ +6o=/ +4ell, maybe a little bit. 9ut it&s a more general pondering than anything else./ +>ou&re really conflicted, aren&t you=/ %% gave :ueenie the harshest look she could muster. +And you don&t really want to talk about it either=/ +6o, I don&t,/ said %% as she walked over to the chair she&d been sitting in and picked up her book bag from the floor. +$on&t you have homework to do or something=/ +(inished it,/ :ueenie said proudly.

+>ou ama3e me./ :ueenie was one of those annoyingly gifted people who hardly ever studied yet seemed to retain information almost instantly after reading something only once. %% believed that :ueenie might have a photographic memory or something. And despised her for it. +>ou up for an adventure=/ +$epends. Is this so-called adventure going to get me into trouble=/ :ueenie pressed her palm to her chest innocently. +I resent that./ +Spare me the theatrics. 4hat did you have in mind=/ +A certain woman sent me a te't about an hour ago asking me to meet her at a certain club at a certain time. I told her I&d be there with a certain friend of mine./ +$oes this certain woman happen to be the twenty-something college student who looks to you for a little e'citement in an otherwise dull e'istence=/ :ueenie grinned widely. +>ou know,/ %% flung her backpack over her shoulders, +for someone who is constantly giving me advice on my love life, you really aren&t doing too well in that particular area yourself./ +,e= I do all right./ +>ou date women who aren&t interested in relationships./ +And the problem is=/ +The problem is that you deserve better than that,/ %% said plainly. +I&m not looking for better right now,/ :ueenie said, as they walked out of the school lounge and onto the fading green lawn that led directly to their dormitory. +I&m in the prime of my life and I&m not into that hopeless romantic stuff like you are./ +>ou&re into empty relationships instead= Sounds so appealing./ +It is, actually, when you compare it with your current dilemma./ +,y dilemma=/ +>es. The hopeless romantic never wins, my friend. Take, for e'ample, your current situation. >ou&re into someone you can&t have, and you are in so much turmoil over it that you had to write a poem about it in order to make yourself feel better./ +That&s not why I wrote that poem./ +6o=/ +6o,/ %% maintained. +I wrote it for the simple pleasure of creative e'pression./ +"lease./ :ueenie immediately stopped walking, tossed her head back and pretended to laugh. +I know she&s all you have been thinking about since you met her./ +-h, really=/ They began to walk again. +%%, it&s so obvious. 4hen you do something, you do it one hundred percent. And obsessing over straight girls is something you do best./ +Thanks,/ %% said, sourly. +4ith the women I see, there&s none of that. 6o room to analy3e or obsess./ :ueenie placed her hands forward in the air, palms down and swept them to one side. +%ust get in, get out and nobody gets hurt. 5et it=/ +>ou make it sound like a bank robbery./ They reached the concrete path that lead up to the steps of their dorm. +So, you in=/ :ueenie asked.

+I guess,/ %% said. A night out with :ueenie always proved to be a good distraction from reality. +Is anyone else coming=/ +I&ll see if Ale' and Sarah are up to it./ Ale' and Sarah were %%&s suitemates, and also members of the basketball team. Ale' was gay and Sarah was straight, but that never deterred her from going out to a gay club. In fact, Sarah seemed to have more gay friends than straight friends, which considerably hindered her odds of finding a suitable romantic companion. :ueenie claimed that Sarah was just in denial and that someday she&d reali3e that she was, in fact, an actual lesbian, and would eventually come over to the dark side. :ueenie liked to refer to the gay community as the dark side because it got under her parents& skin. +4ant to call the cheerleading 1ueen to see if she would like to go as well=/ +>eah, I&m going to pass on that one,/ %% replied dryly. She wasn&t about to tell :ueenie that she already had a tentative date with ;endal ne't (riday night. It wasn&t even a date for that matter. %ust a cup of coffee, really. +4hat are you smiling about=/ :ueenie asked, sensing %% was hiding something. +6othing,/ %% said. +6othing at all./

CHAPTER $
;endal walked along the sidewalk to the building where all the soccer players lived. It was located on the opposite end of the school from her dorm and close to the edge of the campus. The school administration gave the soccer team a lot more leeway than they did other students. They knew all about the soccer parties and celebrations, but chose to look the other way since Sampson Academy had won the state championship three years in a row. Anybody else who dared to throw a party risked getting caught and being suspended or thrown out of school. It&s ama3ing the freedom a winning record could buy you. ;endal entered the dorm on a mission to find ;yan and tell him that she would go to his stupid party ne't (riday night after all, but not before 0hristine had called ahead to inform %ason that ;endal was on her way. ;yan and %ason were roommates. ;endal figured that ;yan would be in his room sweating with anticipation. She reached the stairs and took a deep breath. 0hristine owes me big time, she thought. -nce she reached the third floor, she entered the hallway and saw empty pi33a bo'es and garbage bags everywhere. ,usic boomed from an open door, even though no one was in the room. She peeked into the room and saw dark stains of 5od-knows-what scattered all over the carpet. Something that smelled of pepperoni and cheap cologne hung in the air. ;endal made a face, rounded the first corner, reminding herself not to touch anything accidentally. She continued to walk to the end of the hallway, holding her breath when she saw that the door to 8oom ID was open just a crack. She knocked slightly, and then pushed it open. %ason was sitting on a couch watching football, and ;yan was laying face down on his bed, reading what looked like a te'tbook. +9usy=/ ;endal asked when he looked up. +Studying,/ ;yan said, motioning to the book. ;endal got the feeling that he was trying to make a good impression on her. +I&ll be 1uick,/ she said.

+It&s okay./ ;yan hopped off the bed and threw the book aside. +I was ready for a break anyway./ 2e looked over at %ason who appeared to be engrossed in the football game. It took him a minute before he looked up, and reali3ed that ;yan was staring at him. +-h, my bad,/ %ason said. +I&ll leave you two alone./ 2e stood up and gave ;yan a slight punch in the arm as if to say, +5o get @em./ +>ou don&t have to leave,/ ;endal said hurriedly. +I&m just going to be a minute./ +6o, it&s okay,/ %ason replied, already halfway out the door. +I&ll watch the game in ;yle&s room./ 2e nodded at them and closed the door behind him. ;endal held her arms close to her sides, not sure what to do with them. This was more uncomfortable than she&d imagined it would be. +2ave a seat,/ ;yan said. 2e plopped down on the couch and turned off the television. ;endal remained standing. +So, you know that invite party you were talking about the other night=/ she asked. +>eah./ +4ell, I was thinking about it, and if you still haven&t asked anyone, then I&d like to go./ She was secretly hoping that he&d already asked someone else. +%ust as a friend, of course./ +As a friend,/ ;yan repeated. 2e tapped his hand on his knee as if he were mulling it over. +-kay./ +-kay=/ +4ell, yeah. I haven&t asked anyone else yet, and I wanted you to be my invite, so it&s all good./ ;endal decided to point out the stipulations because there was still a hope that he might change his mind afterwards. +-f course, by friends I mean that you shouldn&t plan on making a pass at me in any way, shape or form. Sure, we can hang out and talk, but that&s basically it. If your hands start drifting anywhere I view as off limits, I&m out of there./ ;yan opened his mouth to respond, and then thought better of it. +>ou must think I&m a slime ball,/ he finally said. +I&m sorry=/ ;endal asked. That was the last thing she&d e'pected him to say. +To say something like that, you must think I&m a complete jerk./ +4ell, you do have 1uite the reputation./ +I know,/ ;yan said, regretfully. +I&m not proud of it. So, if the only way you&ll feel comfortable around me is by telling me that you just want to go as friends, then I understand. I guess I&ll just have to prove to you that I&m genuinely interested in you./ ;endal couldn&t believe it. #ither he was an e'tremely good actor or he was actually earnest, and she&d severely misjudged him. +I appreciate that,/ she said. She took a big breath, feeling slightly better about the whole situation. +I&ll see you (riday night then./ +Sounds good,/ ;yan said. 2e rose to his feet and opened the door for her. +4ait. I thought you had that poetry thing or something on (riday=/ +I do,/ ;endal said. +I&m going to that first and then I&m coming here. So, I&ll probably be a little late./ +I didn&t know you were good friends with that girl from the basketball team./ +%%=/ +>ea, the one you were at the library with. I&ve seen her play a couple of games. She&s pretty good./

+She&s my 4omen&s 7iterature tutor,/ ;endal said. +4e&re just getting to know each other./ She tried, but she couldn&t help but smile. +She&s so smart. I mean really smart, not just about school stuff. I&ve never met anyone like her before. She&s so sweet and*/ ;yan was staring at her awkwardly. +)m, she&s cool, you know=/ +8ight. So I guess I&ll see you (riday then,/ he said. +>eah, (riday,/ ;endal confirmed. She left the dorm feeling like a fool. If she&d planned on hiding her growing feelings for %%, she was going to have to do a far better job. 4hat if anyone found out= 4hat in the world would she do then=

CHAPTER &
;endal sat staring at her mashed potatoes in the dining hall on Thursday night, thinking about how closely one lump resembled %ustin 9ieber. +4hat&s eating you=/ 0hristine asked. She was sitting directly across from ;endal, enjoying a small side salad. ;endal looked up. 2er eyes were hollow, and she was sure the dark circles beneath them made her look like a football player on a bright, sunny day. She hadn&t slept at all last night because she&d had a frightening nightmare about her 4omen&s 7iterature class. +>ou look horrible,/ 0hristine added. +5ee, thanks./ +I&m just speaking the truth./ +4ell, don&t./ +"roblem=/ +I didn&t sleep well last night./ +I know. >ou were tossing all around and kept mumbling something about #mily $ickinson./ ;endal yawned. 2ow could a single subject torment her so much= She wondered. She picked at the food on her plate and shoved a piece of roast turkey into her mouth. It tasted like rubber. +I have a pop 1ui3 in my 4omen&s 7iterature class tomorrow,/ she said after spitting the meat out into a napkin. +4ell, at least your teacher informed you of the pop 1ui3. ,r. ,arks just whips out a 1ui3 as soon as we walk through the door. And of course he chooses the most complicated math problems, ever./ +I think I&d have a heart attack if ,s. 0hin ever did that. 9ut thankfully she told us there was going to be a 1ui3. She even told us which author. The only problem is that she didn&t tell us what poem it was going to be on. That&s what I&m nervous about./ +So study,/ 0hristine said. +I&m going to,/ ;endal told her. +9ut I think I need some e'tra help./ She was eager to get in touch with %% for an emergency tutoring session because this 1ui3 was a big deal. She needed a good grade to help boost her average for the semester. And she&d been making some major progress that she didn&t want to mess up. In some ways, she was afraid to try to study by herself. 9ut the truth was she wanted an e'cuse to see %% again before (riday.

+7ast minute tutoring session=/ 0hristine in1uired. +>es. It&s a must./ +4hy can&t I just help you=/ ;endal laughed emphatically. 2er stomach seemed to settle for a moment, so she sei3ed the opportunity to shove a big spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth and swallow it down before her stomach changed its mind. +4hat&s so funny=/ 0hristine asked, obviously offended. +The idea of you tutoring me on an #nglish class./ +4hat&s the big deal=/ +0hristine,/ ;endal said firmly. +>ou are a math guru. 4hat do you know about women&s poetry and literature=/ +I happen to be one*a woman that is. That&s all the knowledge I need./ +-h, really=/ +>es./ 0hristine tossed her hair back and tied it into a ponytail to show that she was ready to get down to business. +7et me see what you are studying right now./ ;endal looked her up and down. +>ou&re serious=/ +;endal, I had to take my fair share of #nglish class re1uirements, too./ ;endal held back her tongue. She knew 0hristine was e'tremely smart when it came to solving 1uadratic e1uations, but as far as literature was concerned, her idea of a classic novel was Twilight. +0ome on. -ut with it,/ 0hristine demanded. ;endal slid her tray aside and rested her backpack on the table. She shuffled through it for her notebook as she watched the rest of the girls at the table start to pack up their things and head back to the dorm. In a matter of minutes, she and 0hristine were the only people left at the cheerleaders& table. ;endal looked around the dining hall as she shoved her notebook over to 0hristine. The soccer team was just coming in for dinner, but the rest of the dining hall was empty, e'cept for a speckling of students who had decided to grab a late dinner. She looked hopefully over at the basketball table. )nfortunately, it was empty. 0hristine inspected the notebook in front of her. +4ho in the world is Anne ;illigrew=/ +5ive me that,/ ;endal said and snatched the folder back. +4hat= I just asked a simple 1uestion./ +2ow can you help me understand her poetry when you have no idea who she is=/ 0hristine slouched in her chair, yawned, and picked up her i"hone as if she&d suddenly grown bored with the idea of helping ;endal study. +0ome on, let&s get out of here. ,y behind is sore from sitting./ ;endal pretended to be engrossed in the pages of notes in front of her. +#arth to ;endal=/ +4hat=/ +I said @let&s go.& I&m starting to smell like dining hall food./ ;endal planted her eyes at her notes instead. +I think I&m going to stay here just a little bit longer,/ she said. +Are you serious= (or what= >ou can study at the dorm./ +I know, but it&s 1uiet here now and*+ +And you want to wait and see if your girlfriend shows up=/ +0ute, very cute./

0hristine whistled loudly and said, +0aution. >ou are now walking a fine line between heterose'uality and homose'uality./ +4ill you knock it off already./ ;endal shouted. A couple of other dining hall stragglers at a nearby table turned their heads. ;endal retuned her voice to its normal pitch. +I&m just going to look this over for a few minutes and then I&ll head back to the dorm./ +(ine,/ 0hristine said. +4hatever. %ust remember you have to be back by nine. 4e&ve got curfew tonight./ +)gh. I forgot. -kay*I&ll be back in time./ +5ood. The last thing I&d want is for you to not to be able to cheer on Saturday. >ou know how ,ya can get./ +>es, I know how ,ya can get./ ;endal e'haled loudly. +0an I have some peace and 1uiet now=/

CHAPTER '
%% sucked in as much air as she could before she sprinted from one end of the gymnasium to the other. +0ome on, %%,/ 0oach 0ook hollered. +"oint guards lead from the front, not from the back./ %% grimaced as she bent down to swipe the painted black line that gleamed at the baseline of the basketball court. She looked over at :ueenie who was mouthing what 0oach had just said, and snorting. +4e&re sprinting, not goofing off, ,c9ride,/ 0oach 0ook bellowed. +Thanks to you, the whole team has to give me ten more./ %% gave :ueenie her best +nice going/ eyes, but :ueenie just stuck out her tongue and took off running. She usually led the pack because of her lengthy stride, and could 1uite possibly give a ga3elle a run for its money in an open field. It also helped that she&d been a top performer in cross country for three years in a row, winning numerous accolades and praises from area sportswriters who predicted she would go on to compete at the $ivision I level. They had been wrong, of course, as :ueenie had chosen to play basketball during her senior year at Sampson instead of running cross-country, much to the chagrin of her parental units. 4hether :ueenie missed running competitively or not, %% didn&t know. 9ut she figured that :ueenie cared more about infuriating her parents than she did about her athletic prowess. And that was all the reward she needed. %%, on the other hand, despised running, in any way, shape or form. 8unning just to run was pointless to her. There needed to be some sort of object involved, like a basketball for instance. She needed something to give her a reason to run. She was always ama3ed at how :ueenie could just go for a run around campus, and chalk up about five miles as if it were nothing. The team finished the sprints, and at the end %% somehow managed to unearth a second wind and dashed as fast as she could from one end of the gym to the other. +5ood finish, %enkins,/ 0oach 0ook noted. %% bent over and clung to her knees, sucking in every breath. As much as she hated running, 0oach 0ook believed it was the best way to get into top condition. She ran them into the ground from late September to the middle of ,arch, or whenever the basketball season was over.

It didn&t matter how worn out the team was, they always started with sprints and ended with sprints. 4henever they lost a game, they would spend the ne't practice running from one end of the court to the other until they dropped to the floor in e'haustion. +0onditioning, ladies,/ 0oach 0ook stressed. +It&s all about conditioning. It&s always the team that&s in better shape that wins the game. That&s what matters in those last five minutes, that&s what allows you to play your heart out, and leave it all on the floor./ She believed that all games were decided within the last five minutes of play, regardless of the score. %% stood up and held her hands behind her head to clear her lungs. She watched 0oach 0ook pace two steps to the left and two steps to the right in her electric-green warm-up suit. She suddenly wondered how many warm-up suits 0oach 0ook had in her closet at home. It seemed as if it was all she ever wore. 0onnie 0ook was a fascinating woman. 2er salt and pepper hair was just a snip away from being classified as a mullet. 8ather thin but muscular, on the weekends she often could be spotted striding along the country roads of Ashland that stretched for miles through endless acres of farmland. It was also rumored that 0oach 0ook was part of the team, the lesbian team, that is. :ueenie said it was just a matter of time before 0oach 0ook admitted to belonging on the +dark side./ 9ut %% wasn&t so sure. She knew that 0oach 0ook lived with the $ean of Students, who also was rumored to be a lesbian. 9ut 0oach 0ook never talked about it, so if the two of them were, in fact, a couple, it was definitely top secret. :ueenie, though, never missed an opportunity to tease 0oach 0ook about her se'ual ambiguity. +That&s why you&ve been running so much these past few weeks,/ 0oach continued. +And why you will continue to run hard for the rest of the season. >ou freshmen have to get into shape, and you upper classmen should be taking these fresh fish under your wings and training them outside of practice./ It was the same little talk she always gave at the end of practices during the season. After three years, %% was sure that she could recite word for word at least ten of those so-called pep talks. +-kay,/ 0oach 0ook barked, then clasped her hands together and stole a 1uick glance at her watch. +7ooks like you&ll still make it to the dining hall if you hurry it up./ +4hat are your plans for dinner, 0oach=/ :ueenie asked. +Is the missus waiting for you at home, having prepared a nice candlelight dinner=/ 0oach 0ook drew in a patient breath. +As a matter of fact, I am the one who is cooking tonight. I have to get home and start on some grilled chicken. The candlelight is optional./ +2ow sweet,/ :ueenie added. 0oach 0ook ignored her. She was so above :ueenie&s remarks that she merely brushed them off her shoulders. The rest of the team huddled together and put their hands into the middle of the circle. +Team./ +See you tomorrow, ladies,/ 0oach 0ook said. +#njoy the delicacies of the dining hall./ 4ith that she winked at :ueenie. /2urry up and change,/ :ueenie said, as she and %% dragged their aching bodies back to the locker room. +I&m starving./ +4hat was that about=/ +4hat was what about=/ +The wink. 4hy did 0oach wink at you=/

+I didn&t notice./ %% gave :ueenie a slight shove, +>eah, right. 2ave you two been bonding lately=/ +0an we get to the dining hall before we discuss the intricacies of my newfound relationship with 0oach= I need brain fuel. I can&t think straight. In fact, I&m seeing two of you right now./ +(ine,/ said %%. +9ut 1uit being so dramatic, will you=/ +4hy= I&m so good at it./ They rushed to peel the sweaty clothes off of their bodies and toss them into the laundry basket. Then they threw on some warm-up pants and their team sweatshirts before they hightailed it out of the athletic center and over to the dining hall. They somehow managed to slide through the doors just as the head chef was locking up for the evening. +That was a close call,/ :ueenie huffed. She dashed through the food line, tossing everything in sight onto her tray. %% opted for tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. As she studied her tray, she suddenly wished she were eating 0oach 0ook&s grilled chicken instead. :ueenie was 1uite content with her amply stocked tray, which consisted of a healthy portion of mashed potatoes and turkey slopped with gravy, bread, chocolate pudding, a side salad and a tall glass of milk. They sat with the other members of the basketball team, who were all busy eating while simultaneously complaining about the e'cessive amount of sprints 0oach 0ook had been forcing them to run. As soon as %% sat down she glanced at the cheerleading table. 2er heart fluttered the second she saw ;endal sitting there. ;endal appeared to be engrossed in the papers in front of her. The rest of her table was empty. In fact, the whole dining hall was practically empty e'cept for a few soccer players lingering by the dessert bar. She forced her attention away from ;endal and back to :ueenie. +So=/ :ueenie looked at her blankly. 2er cheeks were bulging, full of mashed potatoes. %% winked at her. +-h, that,/ :ueenie said, swallowing her food and waving her hand in the air. +That was no big deal. 0oach and I see eye to eye now./ +2ow so=/ +8emember yesterday when I sort of mouthed off to her=/ %% remembered all right. She&d never seen 0oach turn that shade of purple before. +Sort of mouthed off= :ueenie, you told her to take her whistle and shove it up her*/ +I know, I know./ +>ou told me she yelled at you pretty hard after practice./ +She did./ +-kay, I&m confused./ %% stirred her tomato soup with the crust from her grilled cheese. +4hy is she so friendly with you all of a sudden=/ +After she was done yelling at me, I was sitting there in silence. And just as I&m about to apologi3e, $ean 2offman walks through the door./ +4ait a minute. 0oach usually closes the door when she&s yelling at someone./ %% recalled the time she got verbally blasted for having seven turnovers in one game last year.

+She was so angry with me that she was already yelling when we walked into her office, and I think she just forgot to close the door behind her. And at that e'act moment, we both were just sitting there not saying anything, and I don&t think $ean 2offman reali3ed anyone else was in there./ +So*/ %% said eagerly. +So as $ean 2offman was walking through the door, we both turned our heads at the same time./ :ueenie leaned forward, +%%, she was carrying a rose and the first thing she said, without looking up, of course, was @Sweetie, I&ve got a surprise for you.&/ +6o way./ +>es way. As soon as she saw me there, she tried to hide the rose behind her back and kept stumbling over her words./ +4hat did 0oach do=/ +She stood up and pushed the dean right out of there and closed the door behind her. >ou should have seen the look on her face, %%. It was classic./ +So, what now= >ou basically can say whatever you want to her without getting into trouble./ :ueenie took a sip of milk. +I wouldn&t say that,/ she e'plained. +9ut I&d say that I&ve at least got some leeway now as far as teasing goes./ +-nly you,/ said %%. +This kind of thing only happens to you./ +I can&t believe that $ean 2offman was dumb enough to bring a rose to 0oach&s office,/ :ueenie continued. +I mean, if they were trying to keep their relationship such a secret, you&d think that they&d be a little more careful./ +4ell, I&m sure if she saw the door open and didn&t hear anything inside, then she assumed that 0oach was alone./ %% pushed her tray aside. +So, did she admit it then= $id she finally admit to being gay=/ +She tried to play it off like it was nothing. So I stood up and said, @It&s okay, 0oach.& Then I winked and walked out of the office./ +So that&s where the wink comes in./ +I guess it&s like our new lesbian secret sign or something./ %% reached her hand across the table, +4ell done, ,c9ride, well done./ :ueenie shook %%&s hand with pride and leaned back in her chair, +6ever a dull moment, my friend./ %% was about to stand up to dispose of her tray when suddenly she saw ;endal ,c0arthy right ne't to her. +I need your help desperately,/ ;endall said. +I have a pop 1ui3 tomorrow and I wanted to brush up on a few things. I figured you&d be catching a late dinner because of basketball practice so I waited for you./ +>ou waited for me=/ %% asked. +>ep. 6ever a dull moment, indeed./ :ueenie stood up to stretch before picking up her tray. +I guess I&ll be going now. >ou two kids have fun./ ;endal barely even noticed :ueenie. She immediately slid into the vacated seat and dumped her books and folder onto the table. %% looked on in wonder. +I know. I&m a complete mess,/ ;endal confessed. +All over a stupid 1ui3./ +6o, it&s okay. 9ut*/ %% pointed at the clock. +They&ll probably kick us out of here in the ne't ten minutes. $o you want to study someplace else=/

+>ou can come to my dorm room,/ ;endal suggested. +4hat about the library=/ %% asked, thinking a neutral setting would be more professional. +I can&t. I have curfew tonight./ +0urfew=/ +I know it sounds silly, but it&s a good way to make sure everyone on the s1uad gets their homework done before the weekend and is rested for practice on (riday and the soccer game on Saturday. ,ya, she&s the captain of the s1uad, came up with it, and she enforces it. I have to be in my room by nine. She even comes around to check and make sure we are there./ +4hat happens if you&re not there=/ +4e don&t get to participate in practice on (riday afternoon or the game on Saturday. ,ya does it on Thursday nights because she knows everyone on the s1uad would throw a fit if we had to have a curfew on (riday nights./ +,akes sense./ +So=/ +So I&ll come to your dorm,/ %% agreed. +9ut I need to go back to my dorm and shower first./ +-kay,/ ;endal said eagerly. +Thank you. Thank you so much./ +4hat time=/ +2ow about in an hour=/ +(ine./ They both stood up. +I owe you big time,/ ;endal said adamantly. +%ust remember to keep our date on (riday,/ %% returned. +And that will be enough./ ;endal held her backpack to her chest. She thought of ;yan and how she was meeting up with him at the soccer party later on that same evening. %% studied her e'pression. +>ou remember our plans, don&t you=/ +>es,/ ;endal said. +The coffee shop. I remember./ 2ow could she forget= +5ood. I was just checking. I&ll see you in an hour then./ ;endal nodded. She wondered if %% could sense how she was feeling. 4as it obvious that she liked the way %% smiled awkwardly whenever she was nervous, or that she liked the way %% smelled, or how cute it was the way %% tripped over her words whenever* +#'cuse me, miss=/ ;endal stared up into the eyes of the sweaty line cook standing before her. +4e&re closing./ +I was just leaving,/ ;endal said politely.

CHAPTER (
+A curfew,/ :ueenie asked with a raised eyebrow. +The cheerleading s1uad has a curfew=/ +$on&t start,/ %% returned. +0ome on. >ou don&t think it&s funny at all=/ +6o, I don&t. 0oach should give us a curfew, too. Then maybe we&d play better./

+4hatever,/ :ueenie said. +If 0oach gave us a curfew, I&d 1uit. I&m not about to let basketball impede my social life. I switched to basketball from cross country to get away from that stuff./ +I know,/ %% started for the door. +I&ve been regretting your decision ever since./ +4ait./ :ueenie sprung up from the couch and thrust her i"hone at %%. +(or documentation. >our cell phone takes crappy pictures./ +4hat=/ +0ome on, you&re going where no one on this campus has gone before*T2# ;endal ,c0arthy&s dorm room. 4e can use this to our advantage. %ust sneak a few photos./ %% shoved the i"hone back at her. +>ou need professional help. $o you know that=/ :ueenie eyed the object in her hand, +4hat did I say=/

%%%
%% walked swiftly across campus to ;endal&s dorm. ,ost of the cheerleaders lived in the same dormitory. #ach door on ;endal&s floor was decorated with the school colors, Sampson Academy paraphernalia, and little cheerleader cutouts. Interesting decor, %% thought as she knocked against ;endal&s door. A rather thin blonde, straight out of the pages of <ogue, opened the door. %% recogni3ed her. She often sat with ;endal in the dining hall. +"edaling cookies=/ she asked. +"edaling poetry,/ %% responded and held up her notebook. +-h, right./ The blonde forced a smile and moved aside. +0ome on in./ %% stepped through the door and into the room. She caught a glimpse of the adjoining suite, which was decorated a lot like the door to their room. +There&s a lot of school spirit in here,/ she said. +0heerleading,/ the blonde said, proudly. +School spirit is a way of life./ +7et me guess. >ou&re also on the s1uad=/ +4ow. 6o wonder you&re a tutor. >ou sure are 1uick./ ;endal walked into the room. +Thanks, 0hristine,/ she said to the blonde. %% could tell her words were less than heartfelt. +(riendly people you got here,/ %% said, as soon as 0hristine had left the door room and closed the door behind her. +I&m sorry,/ said ;endal. +That was my roommate, 0hristine. She&s taking a class in attitude adjustment. 2ave a seat./ %% took in the entire room and eyed the posters of popular musicians that papered the walls. -ver ;endal&s bed was a spread of family photos. 2er flowered bedspread was covered with stuffed animals. +This could be the room of any popular girl in America,/ said %%. -nly, she didn&t mean it the way that it had come out. +Am I that transparent=/ ;endal asked as she plopped down on her bed, offering %% some 0he' ,i' +I didn&t mean it like that,/ %% backtracked, taking a handful from the bag. +I just think there&s more depth to you than this./

+I&d like to think there is,/ said ;endal. She wasn&t used to this kind of attention. She wasn&t used to someone wanting to get to know more about her than what she presented. It was flattering, yet awkward, but she loved every minute of it. +7ike what=/ %% asked. +7ike*/ ;endal thought for a moment. +7ike the fact that I&m the youngest in my family. I mean, really young. ,y oldest brother is in his late twenties, and my other brother is twentyfive. I was*une'pected. I think that&s why I always feel a step behind./ +In what way=/ %% sat down on the bed beside her, well aware of how little space remained between them. +9ecause I was an afterthought. ,y parents were done raising children by the time I came along, and my brothers either didn&t have or didn&t want to make the time to play with me or be there for me. I had to do and learn a lot on my own./ +That must have been hard./ +It was./ +So*what else=/ ;endal leaned closer to %% and whispered playfully, +It&s a secret./ +4hy is it a secret=/ ;endal turned her head and clicked the roof of her mouth with her tongue like she had the other night when they stood outside of her dorm talking. +I don&t know,/ she said. +I don&t want to tell you everything at once./ +-kay,/ %% smiled mischievously. She was more than happy to play along. +2ow about we make a deal then= #very time I let you read a poem, you reveal something to me about yourself that I don&t know. $eal=/ ;endal let that idea marinate. +-kay,/ she said, after a moment. +That&s fair./ %% slid off of the bed and down onto the floor. She leaned her back up against the comforter, setting her folder and her book in front of her. It wasn&t long before ;endal sat down ne't to her, bumping her shoulder as she settled into position. +So, who&s the pop 1ui3 on=/ she asked, trying to distract herself from the scent of ;endal&s perfume. +Anne ;illigrew./ +8eally= She&s ama3ing. -ne of my favorites./ +I don&t even know who she is./ ;endal pointed to one of the poems. +I&ve never even heard of her before and I think that&s why I&m having such a hard time understanding the message that she was trying to get across in her poems. I don&t know what poem the 1ui3 is going to be on, but I know it&s about this author at least./ +I think you&ll like ;illigrew,/ said %%. +4hy&s that=/ +9ecause she was a strong woman. See, ;illigrew was not only proud to be a writer, but she was also proud to be a woman. And even though men adored her poetry, she wasn&t accepted as a real writer because she was a woman./ +9ut that&s not fair./ +7ook here, at this line in )pon Saying ,y <erses 4ere ,ade 9y Another. See how she says, @my numbers they admired, but me they scorned&=/ ;endal considered the words on the page, +8ight there=/ +;illigrew believed that it was the 5reek gods who gave women the power and will to write, but didn&t bless them with the opportunity to be recogni3ed./ %% cleared her throat. +It was

unfortunate that the very same people, men in this case, who helped circulate her writing also ended up taking credit for it./ +4hat did she do about it=/ +4ell, she refused to compromise herself or her art. She disappeared for a bit, even though she kept writing for the rest of her life. ,ost of her work was discovered much later on./ ;endal slumped back against the bed, as if she was the one whose freedom of e'pression had been so rudely denied. +$o most of her poems talk about the struggle of being a woman in those times=/ +I&d say so,/ said %%. +I can&t imagine what it must have been like./ ;endal shook her head. +So many restrictions*women not being able to be who they really were./ +I would have never survived, for obvious reasons./ %% closed the book in front of them. +I wouldn&t have been able to come out back then, or at least I wouldn&t have wanted to for fear of persecution. And being closeted is the worst thing in the world./ +4hat did it feel like,/ ;endal asked, +when you came out= 2ow did it feel to finally be able to tell people=/ %% opened her mouth to e'plain, and then stopped. Instead, she dug her hand into her backpack and retrieved the tattered journal that ;endal had seen before. She licked her thumb, and paged through it until she found what she&d been looking for. +2ere./ She slid the journal over to ;endal, who took it willingly. +This e'plains it better than I can./ +To be out,/ ;endal read out loud. She read the rest of the poem in silence. #elease. #elief from my shoulders. This /oulder that ' was a/le to push aside, )eaving me sta/le, with the sensation That ' have nothing to hide. !reedom. !ree at last. )oo6ing past the fear in my eyes, Beyond the tears, without hesitation ' see clear s6ies. (ride. #aising my head high. The shallow dread ' left /ehind, ' loo6ed inside and saw myself. ' /elieved in me. 0ourage. Having the strength to stand. ,ou gave me your hand without thought, *ith this gesture you taught, a life9long lesson ' am normal after all.

;endal&s eyes grew as she finished reading the last line of the poem. +>ou are an ama3ing writer, you know that= >ou pour everything, every emotion into words so it&s like I&m right there e'periencing it with you. It&s like $ickinson./ +It&s not like $ickinson,/ said %%. +It&s not even close. ,y writing hardly compares to with hers. She was one of a kind./ +0ome on. I bet you wrote about @wild nights& somewhere in here,/ ;endal laughed. She began flipping through the journal, hunting for another poem when %% pulled it gently from her hands. +4hat=/ +>ou owe me a secret, remember=/ +-h, right,/ said ;endal. +I forgot about that part./

CHAPTER )
%%&s creative writing class was going to end up giving her an ulcer or worse, possibly even a nervous breakdown. And there wasn&t anything she could do about it. -n occasion, ,rs. 0lark surprised the class by handing out copies of someone&s work from a previous assignment. )sually, this was a huge compliment because it meant that ,rs. 0lark was impressed, so impressed in fact that she wanted to share the work with the rest of the class. The only drawback was that the selected authors always were asked to stand up and read their work aloud in front of the entire class before a general discussion. %% dreaded the day that her work would be shared with the class. She hoped that she&d be able to keep flying just under the radar, turning in assignments that made a positive impression on ,rs. 0lark, but, at the same time, were overshadowed by the work of someone else. It soon became apparent that %% could fly under the radar for only so long. That day, the one that had provoked countless nightmares in which %% awoke from a dead sleep drenched in sweat with her heart racing, turned out to be today. As soon as the class was seated, ,rs. 0lark gave %% an encouraging nod. And at that moment, %% knew. She knew even before the simple white sheet of paper with the title of her poem in big, bold letters written at the top landed on her desk. 2er stomach curled itself up into a ball, and she was hit with the urge to run to the bathroom. 9efore %% could escape the claustrophobic classroom walls, however, ,rs. 0lark cleared her throat. It was her obligatory signal that she was about to start class. The chatter ceased. #veryone sat up straight. And all eyes were focused at the front of the room. +0lass, today I would like to start off by discussing a poem that was handed in last (riday as part of your free writing assignment./ (ree writing was done before the close of every class. Students were to use the last fifteen minutes to write whatever popped into their heads, whether it was the beginning of a novel, a short story, a journal entry or a poem. It didn&t matter. They were free to write whatever they wanted. And %% had written a poem. It wasn&t just a few scribbled lines though, like many of her previous free writing efforts. This poem had flown effortlessly from her pen as if by its own will. She&d been thinking of her relationship with her mother, and how her mother had always wanted a daughter who was just

like her. She&d wanted a daughter who was girly, who liked cheerleading and boys. %% was the e'act opposite. Their relationship had suffered because of it, because %% felt that she&d never lived up to her mother&s e'pectations. She&d written the first line on a whim, hoping for some closure. The result was a poem that was far more personal than she&d originally intended. +%%, would you stand up please and read your poem for the class=/ %% stared up at ,rs. 0lark, unable to move. She felt the sweat gather under her arms and the nausea swell in her stomach. 2er heart sped up to a pace that the rest of her body couldn&t possibly match. She looked down at the flimsy paper in her hands. 2er lips moved slowly, mouthing the first line, but no audible words came out. +>ou might want to stand up,/ ,rs. 0lark advised. +And speak up a bit./ %%&s legs were like two masses of jelly. She trembled as she stood. 2er mouth was as dry as a stale piece of bread, and her tongue stuck to her teeth. She tried to speak once more, and again no sound emerged. 4ith all those eager eyes upon her, %% felt as though she was under a microscope. She glanced from face to face in a panic, her eyes darting around the room so fast that she felt di33y. +%%*are you okay=/ ,rs. 0lark asked. +I&m*I&m not feeling so well,/ %% managed. +,ay I go to the restroom=/ ,rs. 0lark nodded, and %% bolted from the room. -nly she didn&t head to the restroom. Instead, she ran through the front doors of the classroom building and burst out into the open air. She breathed heavily, taking in each breath slowly and releasing it more slowly than the last. 4hen her heartbeat returned to normal, she sat down on a nearby bench. She knew ,rs. 0lark would be wondering where she&d gone, but she also knew that if she went back to class she&d have to read the poem to everyone. And that wasn&t going to happen. 6ot now, not ever. Instead, %% sat contentedly on the wooden bench, admiring the fresh landscaping along the stone path that led up to 2eath 2all, the building for #nglish classes. She waited until students began to file out the front doors, signaling that her class had ended. 4hen the last couple of students trickled out, she stood up and walked back inside to retrieve her belongings from the classroom. ,rs. 0lark was still in the room, shuffling through papers on her desk. %% tiptoed in, and then cringed when she heard ,rs. 0lark&s nasal voice. +Are you okay= 4here did you go=/ %% straightened up, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. +I didn&t feel good, so I decided to leave class./ +Are you feeling better now=/ +>es, ma&am./ +This didn&t have anything to do with me asking you to read your poem in front of the class, did it=/ +6o./ +9ecause that would be a shame. -f all the writing I go through day in and day out,/ ,rs. 0lark tapped the stack of papers at her desk, +this is by far one of the best poems I have read in a long time. It deserves to be shared with the class. And the class deserves to hear it./ +>ou mean you didn&t read it or discuss it after I left=/ +It&s not my poem to read. It&s yours. It&s yours to share./ +9ut*what if I&m not e'actly comfortable with*what if I don&t want to share it=/

,rs. 0lark made a slight clicking tsk-tsk sound, and removed her glasses from her face. +I can&t force you to read it, %%,/ she said. +9ut I will ask you this*what good is writing, what good is art for that matter, if you can&t share it with the world= "art of this class involves active participation. And by participation I mean interacting with your classmates, offering criticism of their work, and taking in criticism of your own. 2ow else do you e'pect to grow as a writer=/ +#mily $ickinson never shared her work,/ %% reasoned. +And $ickinson died without ever reali3ing her true potential./ +,aybe she wanted it that way./ +,aybe she did. 9ut is that what you want=/ %% said nothing. +I&d hate to have to lower your grade simply because you refused to read your poem out loud./ ,rs. 0lark rela'ed back in her chair and gently folded her arms across her chest. +9e prepared to have another go at it on ,onday./ +All right,/ %% muttered and walked toward the classroom door. +I&ll read it on ,onday./ +I&m not doing this to be mean,/ ,rs. 0lark called after her. 2er teacher&s words stopped %% at the threshold. +I&m doing this because I think you are a very talented writer. 9ut you&re not as confident in your writing as you are, say, on the basketball court. I&m giving you an opportunity to take a last-second shot and win the game. To shine in the spotlight because I believe in your talent, just as your basketball coach believes in you. )nderstand the correlation=/ %% nodded. She understood. And she was flattered that ,rs. 0lark had taken such an interest in her writing. 9ut that didn&t mean she liked the idea any better. It didn&t mean that the thought of having to share her work in front of the entire class still didn&t scare her to death.

CHAPTER !*
"ractice that afternoon felt like it lasted an eternity. %% couldn&t concentrate. She kept thinking about her writing class and the fact that her date with ;endal was only a few hours away. 0oach 0ook had finally incorporated a ball into practice, and %% ruined a golden opportunity to teach the freshmen about what it took to start for the Sampson 7ady >ellow %ackets basketball team. She missed easy shots from the elbow of the lane, flubbed numerous breakaway layups and had the ball stolen right from her hands three times in a row by an over3ealous freshman eager to make it into the starting lineup. The locker room afterwards was e'tra stuffy, and not because of the sweat. )nlike %%, :ueenie, as usual, had another outstanding practice, garnering such comments from 0oach 0ook as, +6ice job, ,c9ride/ and +That&s how a starter practices, ladies. 4atch and learn. 4atch and learn./ +4here was your head today=/ :ueenie asked as soon as they reached the locker room. +That&s something I would e'pect 0oach to say,/ %% replied dryly. +2ey, rela'./ :ueenie peeled the headband from her forehead. +I&m just checking in. >ou&ve been out of it since this morning./ %% leaned against her locker, +I&m sorry, I just have a lot on my mind./ +7ike cheerleading 1ueens and dates at coffee shops=/ +;endal has nothing to do with it./ :ueenie held up her hands in surrender. +Touchy, aren&t we=/

%% was about to confide in :ueenie about what had happened earlier during writing class when 0oach 0ook loudly cleared her throat behind them. +%enkins./ She barked from the doorway. +,ay I see you for a moment=/ %% cast her eyes at :ueenie, who stifled a laugh. %ust what I need, %% thought. -nce in the confines of her office, 0oach 0ook closed the door tightly behind them. %% remembered :ueenie&s story about $ean 2offman walking in, carrying a rose. At that moment she felt the urge to wink at 0oach 0ook just to see what she would say. +>ou know me, %%, I don&t like to kid around when it comes to basketball,/ 0oach 0ook said. +So I&m going to get straight to the point. And the point is that you played horribly today./ +I know, 0oach,/ %% acknowledged. +I didn&t play well at all./ +$idn&t play well= That&s an understatement. I don&t start players who perform like that. I don&t have to remind you of what it takes to be a starter for this team, do I=/ %% lowered her eyes to the ground, +6o, 0oach./ +>ou are the starting point guard. >ou are the floor general. 2ow do you e'pect to lead the team during a game when you can&t even be a leader during practice=/ %% opened her mouth to respond but 0oach 0ook cut her off. +I e'pect more from you, %%,/ she said, as her feathered hair flapped in the bree3e coming from the fan on her desk. +>ou&ve been a part of this team for three years, a big part of it. >ou brought :ueenie to the team. And you two are my senior captains. I need you to play with confidence./ Apparently, you&re not the only one who e'pects more from me, %% thought. +I hope that you get over whatever was ailing you today and come ready to play tomorrow. >ou better get your game in gear. I&d hate to have to start a freshman in your place for our very first game of the season./ %% felt 0oach 0ook&s eyes 3ero in on her. +$o I make myself clear=/ +>es, 0oach,/ she replied. +5ood./ %% arose from her chair and e'ited the office, feeling even worse than she&d felt earlier that morning when she&d abandoned her writing class. +#verything okay=/ :ueenie asked. She was already showered and dressed, sitting on a locker room bench, playing with her i"hone. +"eachy,/ %% said. +$on&t worry about 0oach,/ :ueenie said. +#asy for you to say. 0oach is like your best friend now./ Ignoring that comment, :ueenie asked if %% wanted to join her for dinner in downtown 8ichmond. +I think it&s about time I charged up my father&s credit card,/ she said. +They just paid the last balance off earlier this week./ +>ou can be such a jerk with them,/ %% snapped. +Says you./ +I&m busy tonight, remember=/ +-h, right. >our non-date with the non-lesbian. So sorry I can&t be a fly on the wall for that one./ :ueenie punched %% lightly in the arm. +$on&t do anything stupid./

%%%
;endal stood in front of the floor-length mirror, wondering about her outfit. She&d decided on a pair of hip-hugger jeans, a slimming red graphic T-shirt, and a matching red hooded sweatshirt. She stood facing the doorway, admiring her backside when 0hristine came into the room. +>ou&re wearing that=/ 0hristine asked. 0learly, she wasn&t a fan of the outfit ;endal had chosen. +4hat&s wrong with what I&m wearing=/ ;endal asked, admiring her jeans. +I thought I looked good./ +>ou do. 9ut maybe you should wear something a little se'ier for ;yan&s benefit./ ;endal groaned. 4hen she&d gotten dressed that evening, she hadn&t been thinking of ;yan. She&d been thinking of %%, and, as a result, it had taken much longer than she&d anticipated to pick out an outfit. +(or the umpteenth time, I&m only going to this party tonight with ;yan as friends./ +8ight,/ 0hristine smiled wryly. +So how long is that poetry thing going to last again=/ ;endal shrugged. +I have no idea. I&ve never been to one before./ She went back to studying herself in the mirror. +I can&t believe you are going to go with her./ 6ot again, thought ;endal. She&d been over it a billion and one times with 0hristine. She wanted to go to The Spot. She wanted to try something different. It was as simple as that. 0hristine flopped down on top of her bed, stomach-first. She casually flipped through the pages of one of her many maga3ines as ;endal continued to scrutini3e her own appearance. ;endal ran her long fingers through her hair, pulling it back and swinging it forward, mulling over which way accented her features better. +So*what are you going to do if she makes a pass at you=/ 0hristine asked still staring at the pages of her maga3ine. +0hristine./ ;endal spun around. +4hy would you even ask that=/ +I don&t know. I&m just asking. "ersonally, I&d be creeped out./ +0reeped out= Isn&t that a bit dramatic=/ +6o, it&s the truth./ +>ou wouldn&t be flattered at all=/ ;endal couldn&t help smiling at the thought of %% flirting with her. +(lattered= ;endal, that&s gross./ +4hy is it gross= It&s just one person finding another person attractive./ 0hristine shuddered as if the thought of another woman making a pass at her would make her severely ill. She stood up and grabbed ;endal by the arms. +"romise me you&ll be there tonight./ +4hat=/ +"romise me you&ll come to the party tonight./ +I already told you I&d be there. 4hy do I have to promise=/ +9ecause I&m asking you to. As my roommate, teammate and confidante./ 0hristine held out her pinky. It was the way the members of the cheerleading s1uad sealed all of their most sacred promises and secrets. +(ine,/ ;endal said, linking her pinky with 0hristine&s. +I promise./ She sneaked a look at the clock on her dresser. +0an I go now= I&m going to be late./

0hristine reluctantly stepped aside. +5o ahead,/ she said. +9ut don&t do anything I wouldn&t do./

CHAPTER !
%% sat down in a chair in the school lounge. Then she stood up. After a minute, she sat down again. Then she checked her cell phone, just in case ;endal had tried to call or send her a te't. 9ut she hadn&t. She crossed her legs, then slumped back in the chair and spread her legs wide. After reali3ing how ridiculous she looked, she stood up again and leaned strategically against the chair. It probably didn&t matter one way or another to ;endal whether %% was sitting or standing when she walked through the doors. 9ut for some reason %% thought that if she gave a good impression right from the start, then the rest of the evening would go just as smoothly. 9ut considering the way her day had unfolded so far, it couldn&t get much worse. %%&s palms had been sweaty all day. She continued to wipe them on her shorts and jumped every time someone entered the lounge. It had been 1uite the dilemma whether to use gel in her hair or wear a baseball cap. In the end, she&d decided that by not wearing a hat she would be showing off her softer side. And that was the side she thought ;endal enjoyed the most. %% shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her cargo shorts and studied her fresh white pair of Adidas sneakers for scuffs. The baby blue polo shirt she&d chosen to wear was tucked in just so, and she&d even ironed it before putting it on. %% noticed a black mark near the heel of her shoe, leaned over and tried to rub it out. She bent down as far as she could without falling over, licked her thumb and ran it over the mark. At that moment, the doors swung open and in walked ;endal. +There&s something you don&t see every day,/ she said, pointing at %%&s backside. %%&s head snapped up. She 1uickly stood up straight, and wiped her hand on the back of her shorts. +I was*uh*there was something on my shoe,/ she said, silently cursing herself for sounding so stupid. +8ight,/ ;endal smiled. +That&s e'actly what I thought you were doing./ +4ow. >ou look ama3ing,/ %% blurted out. -nce the words left her lips, she reali3ed what she&d said. +I mean*you look nice and everything, you know=/ +>ou clean up pretty good, as well,/ ;endal said, admiring %%&s outfit. +I like you without a hat better, I think./ She had the sudden urge to reach out and touch %%&s hair, but resisted. %% adjusted her shirt and picked up her backpack. +>ou ready=/ +$o you take that thing everywhere=/ ;endal asked, pointing at the backpack. +4hat= This=/ %% held the backpack in front of her. +I keep some of my favorite books in here. And I like to carry my journal with me, too. I never know when I&ll be hit with something inspiring./ +#ver hear of a purse=/ ;endal held up her small white bag sprinkled with red polka dots. +0an you imagine me carrying one of those=/ %% took ;endal&s purse and swung it over her shoulder. Then she batted her eyes at ;endal, who started laughing. +>ou&re right,/ ;endal said. +>ou look ridiculous./ She snatched the purse back from %%&s hands.

They walked side by side across the 1uad to the edge of the campus. Several students crossed their path, some staring at them in wonderment. It wasn&t often that a cheerleader and a member of the girl&s basketball team were seen walking anywhere together at Sampson Academy, let alone appearing to enjoy one another&s company. The looks didn&t bother %%. She&d grown accustomed to the glares and stares she and :ueenie often garnered whenever they were out in public together. They didn&t seem to bother ;endal much, either, and %% assumed that ;endal had grown used to people looking at her simply because she was beautiful. +2ow was your day=/ %% asked, genuinely interested. +)neventful,/ ;endal responded blandly. +>ours=/ +>ou don&t want to know./ %% nonchalantly kicked the curb as they stepped up onto the sidewalk. +6ow you&ve sparked my curiosity,/ ;endal said. +7et&s just say that everything today that could have gone wrong did go wrong. 9ut suddenly I feel a lot better./ ;endal flashed %% a knowing smile, and then looked away, afraid her e'pression would reveal everything she&d been feeling lately. The more she thought about it, the more confused she&d became over how another girl could make her feel this way. She recalled 0hristine&s comment about being hit on by a woman, and laughed. +4hat&s so funny=/ +I was just thinking of something 0hristine had said before I left./ +4hat did she say= ,ake sure to carry a can of mace=/ +6ot 1uite./ +She doesn&t like me very much, does she=/ They were in front of the coffee shop now, lingering on the sidewalk as the night wrapped itself around them. +0hristine doesn&t know you. That&s all,/ said ;endal. +I wouldn&t worry about it. I&m glad you asked me to come with you tonight./ +,e, too,/ %% said, smiling. She reached for the doorknob, but ;endal had grabbed it first. Their hands closed on top of one another&s and remained clasped longer than they needed to be. +I was*I wanted to get the door for you,/ %% struggled to e'plain. ;endal laughed nervously, unsure of how to respond. 2er hand still burned from %%&s touch, giving off a sensation she hadn&t recalled ever feeling before. She walked into the coffee shop in a ha3e, with %% directly on her heels. They sat in the corner near the window, at a secluded table that offered a full view of the stage in the back of the room. +4hat time is the poetry slam=/ ;endal asked. +I don&t know,/ %% said, hoping the stage would remain empty as long as possible. The last thing she wanted was a bunch of talented poets who lacked stage fright to impress ;endal with their tapestry of words while %% sat 1uietly at their table. A roving waitress appeared, and both %% and ;endal ordered hot chocolate before embarking on a spirited conversation that carried on effortlessly over the ne't couple of hours. They talked about anything and everything they could, and neither of them held back. +I have no athletic ability whatsoever,/ ;endal confessed. +-nce, during a tryout for the IF-yard dash, I tripped over my own two feet and knocked the runner in the lane beside me off the track./

%% laughed. +>ou&re joking./ +I&m 1uite serious actually. It was so embarrassing. 9ut forget about me, what about you= I can&t believe you were in a beauty pageant./ ;endal shifted in her chair and placed both hands face down on the coffee table in disbelief. +$id you win=/ +I didn&t even come close. 4hen it came to the talent portion, I panicked and ran off stage./ %% recalled the day of the pageant, how she&d been dressed in a nice gown and felt so out of place. +It was awkward to say the least. And when I show them the pictures, people who know me as I am now don&t believe that it&s me./ +>ou have pictures=/ +Sure do. ,y mom had one framed and it&s still sitting on the fireplace mantle at home. It&s like she&s holding on to something I used to be./ +$id you look that different=/ +Totally different. I wore make-up, and my hair was long. It came down past my shoulders./ +4ow. I have to see those pictures./ +6o, you don&t. I want you to know me as I am now, the real me, not the younger me that was insecure and confused./ +$o your parents know about you=/ +>ou mean*do they know that I&m gay=/ %% licked her lips. +I told them after my sophomore year at Sampson./ +4as that hard=/ +Incredibly,/ said %% honestly. +It was probably the hardest thing I&ve had to do in my life so far. It was tough e'plaining that I was the same person inside that I had always been./ +Same= 2ow=/ +"ersonality wise, I&m the same. 9ut back then I acted different, and tried to fit in. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin./ +I know what that&s like./ +>ou=/ %% asked skeptically. +4hat*you think I have it easy=/ ;endal straightened up, clearly offended. +I&m so sick of everyone thinking that just because I have a pretty face that I must have it easy in life./ +I didn&t mean to*/ +4hen I first came here,/ ;endal continued, +everyone assumed that I was this pretty girl with no brains. And because I knew that everyone thought that, I became that. I played the role. I played the pretty girl who wasn&t smart./ ;endal sat back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. +I&m still playing the same role now./ +I&m sorry,/ %% offered. +I didn&t know./ +>ou said you felt uncomfortable in your own skin= Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in mine that I wish I could be someone completely different for a day just to see how it would feel. So what if I&m popular= So what if I was homecoming 1ueen last year= It means nothing to me. I admire you so much because you know who you are and you know what you want out of life. I have no idea who I am. And it&s sad that after three years I don&t feel like I&ve changed at all. I&ll probably go off to college and fit the same mold as I did in high school./ +9ut you are changing,/ %% professed. +There&s so much more to you. >ou&re so open and willing to put yourself out there. "eople who are closed-minded are the ones who don&t change. 7ook at 0hristine. I bet she&ll be the same person in college as she is now./ +9efore I met you, I was just like her./

+>ou aren&t anything like her. >ou&re not only incredibly beautiful, you&re smart, you&re kind, you&re open-minded and you&re a free spirit. There are so many things about you that ama3e me. Things you don&t give yourself enough credit for./ It was only after %% saw the grateful e'pression on ;endal&s face that she reali3ed what she&d said. +>ou think I&m smart=/ ;endal asked, just to be sure. +I think you&re smarter than you reali3e,/ %% told her. +#mily $ickinson would be impressed./ +Speaking of $ickinson, you owe me a poem,/ ;endal said adamantly. +2ow do you figure that=/ +I told you a secret./ +4hich was*/ +4hich was about how I feel like I haven&t changed at all. I&ve never told anyone that before, so that makes it a secret./ %% wasn&t about to argue. She fished out her journal from her backpack and slid it across the table to ;endal, who flipped it open with the bright-eyed anticipation of a kid on 0hristmas morning. +4hat&s ,other ,ay I about=/ ;endal asked, after skimming through the pages. %% rolled her eyes. -f all the poems in her journal, ;endal had to choose that one. +4hat&s wrong=/ +It&s nothing./ %% paused, and then decided to just let everything spill out all at once. +That&s the poem that I submitted in writing class that my teacher wants me to read out loud because she likes it so much, only I don&t want to read it because of my stage fright issue, and if I don&t read it, then she&s going to lower my grade./ +4hat are you going to do=/ +I don&t know./ +4hat if I helped you=/ ;endal asked. +2ow=/ +>ou can practice with me. >ou can read your poem out loud in front of me./ +I have to do this by ,onday. It&s (riday night. 2ow am I going to get over a lifetime of stage fright in only two days=/ +4e&ll start now,/ ;endal motioned to the journal and handed it back to %%. +6ot here./ %% panicked, looking around. The coffee shop was packed with people getting ready to participate in the poetry slam. +Then let&s go someplace else./ +$on&t you want to stay and watch the poetry slam=/ +I&d rather help you instead,/ said ;endal. +>ou&ve really opened my eyes to poetry in such a way that I actually enjoy it. I feel like I owe you or something./ +>ou don&t owe me anything./ +Still*I&d like to help you if I can. That is, if you&ll let me./ %% considered the offer. +-kay,/ she agreed. +9ut where can we go= I don&t want to go to back to my dorm or yours. I need someplace private./ +I know a place./ ;endal stood up and tugged %%, almost taking her by the hand. +0ome on. >ou showed me your favorite hangout. 6ow it&s time for me to show you mine./ %ust before they left the coffee shop, ;endal glanced at her cell phone. She was supposed to te't 0hristine, then meet up with her at the soccer party. 9ut here she was with %% instead.

4ithout saying a word, ;endal slid her cell phone back into her a purse. She smiled eagerly at %%, +0ome on. 7et&s go./

%%%
0hristine was busy making out with %ason in the dark when ;yan walked right into the dorm room and flipped on the light. +I thought you said she was coming tonight,/ he said, sounding frustrated. +It&s after ten and she&s not here yet./ 0hristine peeled herself away from %ason, who now glared at ;yan. +Seriously, dude=/ he grumbled. +>ou&ve got issues./ +I&ve got issues=/ ;yan shot back. +6o way. This girl is cra3y. She ditched an invite-only soccer party./ 2e turned to 0hristine. +4ho does that=/ The invite-only soccer party was considered the highlight of the fall semester, aside from winter formal. The soccer wing was lit up with white lights for e'tra ambiance. There were fresh cut roses in vases in every room, and all of the soccer guys got dressed up in their best attire. (or ;yan that meant wearing black slacks, a dark-blue button-down shirt and a blue and white striped tie. Apparently, he had gotten all dressed up for nothing. +I don&t know where she is,/ said 0hristine, and she scrolled through her te't messages on her i"hone. +She hasn&t responded to any of my te'ts./ +2ow late was that poetry thing supposed to go=/ ;yan pressed. +4hy don&t you go find out,/ %ason offered, impatiently. 2e was still sitting on the couch, waiting for ;yan to leave so he could get back to kissing his girlfriend. +She should be here with me. That&s how this whole thing was supposed to turn out. I&m the best looking guy on campus. 4hat gives=/ 0hristine held up her hands. +I don&t know. She&s been acting so strange lately. I swearJ if she doesn&t come tonight, she&s going to regret it./ +I&m going to regret it,/ said ;yan. +I wasted thirty bucks on this tie./ %ason had heard enough. 2e stood up. +She&s probably on her way here right now,/ he said, as he nudged ;yan out of the room. +7et me try and call her,/ said 0hristine, as she held up her i"hone. 9ut before she could hit the +send/ button, %ason plucked it from her hands and tossed it on the bed. +4ould you two rela'= If she wants to come, she&ll come./ 2e raised an eyebrow at ;yan, who finally took the hint. +I&ll go wait for her on the front steps,/ ;yan said miserably, and closed the door behind him. %ason turned the light off and resumed his position ne't to 0hristine on the couch. 9ut she clearly was distracted, and stood up instantly to look out the window. +If you don&t come tonight, ;endal, I&ll tell the whole school that you&re a lesbian,/ she whispered under her breath. +4hat did you say=/ %ason asked. +6ever mind./

CHAPTER !!
%% and ;endal left the coffee shop, with ;endal leading the way across the school campus to the soccer field. They huddled together, appearing as one shadow instead of two in the dim street lighting that led their way. ;endal crept under the bleachers, urging %% to follow. And follow she did. They ducked their heads and crouched along to the opposite end of the bleachers where the scorers& bo' was attached. "erched up high on a platform, the scorers& bo' was supported by tall beams enclosed with a tarp tied around them on three sides, the side to the bleachers being left open. %% and ;endal were able to sneak under the scorers& bo' through the bleachers, and were completely hidden by the tarp. A worn wool blanket had been shoved in between the metal bars, keeping it off the grass so that it wouldn&t get wet. ;endal grabbed the blanket, unfolded and spread it out. In the middle of the blanket, she&d stuffed a flashlight. She turned it on, illuminating the spot. +0ome here often=/ %% asked, eyeing the flashlight. +)ntil it gets too cold,/ ;endal told her. +I found this spot during my freshman year, in the spring after I had made the cheerleading s1uad. #veryone on the team was pulling these wild and cra3y pranks on the new girls. I was so scared every time I walked across campus./ She sat down on the blanket and crossed her legs. %% sat down beside her. +0hristine told me that they grabbed her coming out of the library late one night, took her to the soccer dorm and made her do all of their laundry. She said it was the most disgusting thing she ever had to do in her entire life. I didn&t want that happening to me./ +So you hid here=/ +(or practically the entire spring semester of school./ ;endal sighed, as if she were reminiscing about a childhood tree house. +I&d come here right after eating at the dining hall, and after classes to read or do homework. I even slept out here once or twice./ +8eally= I never imagined you as the type of girl who could rough it./ +I&m full of surprises. See, the rule was that they couldn&t grab us in public places with teachers and adults around. That included the library, dining hall, and classroom buildings. They couldn&t keep us from going to class either. 9ut as soon as we were finished with classes for the day and walked outside, we were fair game. So, they&d watch us go into some place, wait until we came out, and grab us. 6o one ever found me here./ +That&s pretty clever,/ said %%. +This hiding spot was so good, that it got to the point where they&d all eat with me in the dining hall so that they could grab me as soon as I walked outside. 9ut that never worked either. I&d just sit in the dining hall until they left or I&d e'it out the side door. I had all my routes mapped carefully./ +I can&t believe you went through all that just to be a part of the cheerleading s1uad./ ;endal waved her hand nonchalantly in the air. +It was fun at the time,/ she said. +$oesn&t sound like fun to me./ +-h, come on,/ ;endal argued. +>ou&re telling me that you weren&t ha3ed as a freshman on the basketball team=/ %% pondered the 1uestion, even though she already knew the answer. >es, she&d gone through ha3ing. #specially the time she was forced to carry a ball everywhere she went across campus, and if any of the older players saw her without the ball then she was forced to do sprints, push-ups and sit-ups on the spot.

+-kay, you got me there,/ %% admitted. +9ut at least it wasn&t so bad that I had to find a hiding spot./ ;endal glowered at her, and then laughed because she wasn&t able to keep a straight face. +>ou aren&t at all what I thought you were,/ said %%. +>ou keep saying that. I&m hoping it&s a good thing./ +Trust me. It is./ ;endal played with her fingers, a nervous habit over which she&d little control. +Are we going to talk about your poem, or what=/ %% blinked twice, as if she suddenly remembered the reason why they were there in the first place. She took out her journal and marked the page that contained the poem. +2ow am I supposed to do this again=/ +Stand up over there,/ ;endal ordered. +And read it to me as if you were in class./ %% reluctantly stood up and walked about five feet away. She cleared her throat, opened her mouth wide and said, +I can&t./ +4hat do you mean you can&t=/ +I can&t*I can&t read it./ +4hy not= >ou read a couple of lines from #mily $ickinson out loud when we first met./ +>eah, but that was different./ +4hy=/ %%&s shoulders slumped forward, +9ecause I was trying to make a point. I wouldn&t have done that if anyone else had been around. And that was $ickinson&s poem. It&s twice as hard reading my own stuff./ +4hat is holding you back=/ +I don&t know*the fear of rejection from the crowd=/ %% knew she sounded like a bratty five-year-old at that moment, but she didn&t care. +I feel stupid. 0an&t we just talk instead=/ +Talk about what=/ +I don&t know*maybe if I talk for a little bit, I&ll feel comfortable enough to read this./ %% pointed to the poem as she spoke. +I just feel incredibly nervous for some reason./ +4e can do whatever makes you feel most comfortable./ +5ood./ %% gladly rejoined ;endal on the blanket, relieved to be out of the spotlight. +7et&s talk about the poem,/ ;endal said. +4hy=/ +4ell, for starters, what are you so nervous about= >our writing is good. Are you afraid to share it because it&s personal=/ +That&s a ridiculous 1uestion./ +2ow come=/ +9ecause there&s no getting around that. "oetry is personal. It has to be, because you&re putting your emotions out there whenever you write a poem./ +So how does revealing something personal make you feel=/ +4hat are you, my therapist=/ %% snorted. +2ey, I&m just trying to help here,/ ;endal replied. +It&s obvious you have some insecurity about sharing something personal about yourself./ +I do not./ +>es, you do./ +6o, I don&t. I&m being honest. That&s not the problem. It&s not about revealing something personal about myself. I&m honest and upfront about myself. >ou know that./

+Then what is it= Insecurity about your writing=/ +9ingo,/ %% said, and fell over on her back. +I&m more afraid of what people are going to think than anything else./ +9ut that&s ridiculous,/ ;endal maintained. +>our writing is ama3ing. And it can&t be any more difficult than coming out to people. #ven though you maybe had a fear of rejection, you still did it. 7ook how comfortable you are with yourself now./ +4ow,/ said %% as if a light bulb had just lit up in her head. +I never thought of it that way./ +It&s the same principal. Some people may not respond in the best way, but it sounds like most people in your life have been supportive. It&s the same with your writing. Some people may not like it, but I bet most people will./ +Argh./ %% hid her face with her hands, and spoke through her fingers. +I&m never going to be able to do this by ,onday./ +>es, you will,/ ;endal reassured her. She reached for %%&s hands and tugged them from her face. +I believe in you./ 4hen %% looked up, she saw ;endal&s generous green eyes peering down at her. It was the simplest of phrases, and yet it carried so much weight. %% had never heard anybody, not her coach, or even her parents, say those words to her before. It confused her to the core. 2ow could someone who hardly knew her believe in her so deeply= It wasn&t supposed to happen that way. It was trust without reason and it didn&t make any sense. +4hy=/ %% asked. +4hy do you believe in me= >ou don&t even know me that well./ It was the first time ;endal had seen %% without her confident grin, without her carefree attitude or charismatic charm. %% was vulnerable, e'posed. And it only made ;endal fall for her even more. +4hy do you believe in me so easily=/ %% repeated. +9ecause I like what I&ve learned about you so far./ ;endal laid her hand over %%&s . +And you make it hard not to./

CHAPTER !"
Saturday flew by in a blur, as ;endal kept replaying her night under the scorers& bo' with %% over and over again. They&d sat there and talked until close to one in the morning when ;endal&s cell phone rang, startling them both. ;endal only answered it because she knew it was 0hristine, wondering where in the world she was. The call somehow catapulted them both back to reality. +I&ve got to get back to the dorm,/ ;endal had said, with regret. She dreaded seeing 0hristine and the conversation she knew would ensue. 2ow would she ever be able to e'plain why she&d ditched the soccer party to hang out with %%= They awkwardly parted ways, neither wanting to leave or knowing how to end the evening. %% had offered ;endal a genuine and heartfelt smile. ;endal took it, and gave %% one in return. That was it. That was how the night had ended. In her imagination ;endal had dared to picture a different ending. In her version %% had asked her to stay a few minutes longer. They nestled gently against each other on the blanket as ;endal stared longingly into %%&s baby blue eyes, eyes that made ;endal weak in the knees if she

stared at them long enough. ;endal&s heart had been racing and she didn&t know whether she wanted to run, scream or wrap herself around %% like a snake. The kiss that followed was unlike anything she&d ever e'perienced*the softness of %%&s lips, the gentleness of her touch. She&d even dreamt about it the following night. 4hen she reali3ed that it wasn&t real, and only her imagination, ;endal found herself pouting. "outing= She was actually pouting= It seemed so absurd, yet ;endal didn&t know how to e'plain it. She needed a word, a definition to describe the feeling, to give it a name so that she could understand it better, or maybe so she could understand why %% was making her feel this way. That thought alone frightened her deeply. She felt as if she were losing whatever part of herself she thought she had control of. And it stuck with her every minute of every hour. 6othing she did or said could distract her from her thoughts. Saturday might as well have been a pause, a brief interlude until she and %% would meet again. +I&m waiting,/ 0hristine sang, tapping her fingernails loudly against a locker. She and ;endal were in the girls& locker room at the athletic center, getting ready to walk a few laps around the track. ;endal had to beg 0hristine all morning to talk to her, to let her e'plain. 0hristine&s only response was, +I need to work out. >ou can come if you want to./ 4orking out was not something ;endal enjoyed and never did on a regular basis. In fact, this was only the second time she&d ever been in the athletic center since her freshman year. The first time was during the tour of the campus when she&d visited, before transferring to Sampson. +4ell*/ 0hristine said, still tapping. ;endal found the tapping distracting, irritating, and yet oddly comforting. -nce she finished tying her sneakers, she stood up and stretched. +7et&s wait until we get to the track,/ she said. +(ine,/ 0hristine spat. She burst from the locker room, with ;endal jogging behind her to keep up. It had been the same when they&d walked from the dorm to the athletic center. 0hristine had made sure to walk a step and a half in front of ;endal so that she didn&t have to talk to her, and probably to make her suffer. +-kay*I know*you&re mad,/ ;endal huffed, already out of breath as they made their way around the track. +,ad=/ 0hristine practically shouted. +I am way beyond mad./ They walked briskly, and ;endal couldn&t concentrate on what she was saying because she was so focused on keeping up with 0hristine. +0an you*slow down* please=/ ;endal begged. 0hristine reluctantly obliged. 4hen their pace slowed, ;endal organi3ed her thoughts. +I&m really sorry,/ she said as genuinely as possible. +I just lost track of time./ +That&s it=/ 0hristine asked in ama3ement. +That&s your big e'planation=/ +It&s the honest truth./ ;endal inhaled a few 1uick breaths. +4e were talking at the coffee shop, and then %% had this problem she needed help with, and since she&d helped me with my 4omen&s 7iterature class, I wanted to help her out. I didn&t want to just leave her hanging./ +7eave her hanging=/ 0hristine stopped walking. +>ou didn&t want to leave her hanging= 8ight. So it was perfectly all right to leave me hanging instead. ,e. >our roommate= >our best friend since freshman year= -r did you forget that as easily as you lost track of time=/ ;endal didn&t know what to say, e'cept, +>ou&re blowing this out of proportion./ 9y the look on 0hristine&s face, it was obviously the wrong thing to say.

+;endal, you pinky swore with me./ 0hristine screamed. +>ou can&t go back on a pinky swear./ It was as if ;endal had signed a contract without reading the fine print. +4hat are we, in first grade=/ she asked, bored and impatient with way the conversation was heading. At that moment she noticed the women&s basketball team taking the court below. The raised track was built on the second level of the athletic center, offering a full view of the courts below. She spotted %%, noted where she was, and then somehow shifted her eyes back to 0hristine&s frustrated face. +I just don&t see what the big deal is./ 0hristine smacked her lips together and appeared to swallow a scream. 2er face contorted, and ;endal wondered if she were e'periencing some severe gastric pain, or if she was just really upset by what ;endal had said. #ither way, ;endal felt amused. +>ou are infuriating./ 0hristine shouted. +>ou have no idea what this means, do you=/ +4hat are you talking about=/ ;endal asked. +4hat does this mean=/ +>ou stood up a member of the s1uad, ;endal. >ou went back on a sacred oath./ +Sacred oath=/ +The pinky swear./ 0hristine shouted again. Two other girls walking the track had passed by at that moment. They turned to each other and giggled. 0hristine cast icy eyes at them, and continued with her rant. +I don&t know what&s going on with you lately, but your priorities are all messed up./ She folded her arms evenly across her chest. +$o you really think I&m the only one who&s noticed=/ 2er voice sounded smug. ;endal flung her hands to her hips, +4hat&s that supposed to mean=/ +#veryone knows who you&ve been hanging out with lately. That&s what it means. "eople are starting to wonder about you, and they&re starting to talk./ +Talk about what=/ +>ou know./ +6o, I don&t know./ +$o I have to spell it out for you= 4hen you start hanging around a girl who&s gay, it&s assumed that you are hanging around her for a reason./ +They think I&m gay=/ 0hristine shrugged. +4hat do you e'pect=/ +9ut I&m not gay./ +Some people on the s1uad don&t think you care about your reputation anymore. They think you&ve lost your devotion and interest in the s1uad./ She leaned in and whispered, +And you know what that means./ The color instantly drained from ;endal&s face. She knew she hadn&t e'actly been singing the praises of the cheerleading s1uad lately, nor bearing the school colors. >es, she had her frustrations, and yes, she had her complaints, but that didn&t mean she wanted out. That didn&t mean she didn&t want to be a part of it anymore. +That&s cra3y./ ;endal screamed, a little too loudly. She saw a few of the basketball players look up in her direction, and wondered if %% had been one of them. +It&s the truth,/ 0hristine told her. +They are having a meeting. It was supposed to be a secret. They didn&t want you to know. 9ut I wanted to tell you because I thought you should know. )nless you wake up and snap out of this phase you&re in, you might as well kiss the s1uad goodbye./ She narrowed her eyes and pointed her sharp chin and added, +>ou know how these things go down./

;endal knew e'actly how these things went down. She&d seen how these things had gone down. 7ast year, she was in on one of the secret meetings about a sophomore who spent more time hanging out with her skater friends on campus than she did attending practice or other cheerleading-related activities. She&d seemed like such a promising prospect during her freshman year, by way of her K.L 5"A, her involvement in the drama club, and her participation in student government activities. 9ut, as it sometimes happens, she soon went astray and started hanging out with what the s1uad thought was the wrong crowd. Suddenly, the rest of the s1uad didn&t see her as being so promising and wholesome anymore. She was dismissed, cast aside, and her membership in the most popular organi3ation on campus ultimately revoked by a single, unsurprising, unanimous vote. The fact of the matter was that the cheerleading s1uad had a reputation to uphold. They went after only the most involved, the most athletic, popular, prettiest, and smartest students on campus. )nless you carried at least a K.F 5"A and were part of some organi3ation, be it academic or otherwise, you had no shot at making the s1uad, no matter how good you were. ;endal had been lucky. She&d been the e'ception to the rule. 2er popularity outshined her 5"A and lack of involvement in campus activities. She had 3ero athletic ability. 9ut she could fake a good split and leg lift any day. Aside from being pretty and popular, ;endal didn&t have much on her rMsumM as far as school activities went. Standing there in the athletic center, arguing with 0hristine over something so trivial, ;endal felt small and shallow. (or the past couple of years she&d been doing to others e'actly what she feared others would now do to her. She&d judged people, voted as to whether or not they were good enough to be on the cheerleading s1uad, and she&d been happy doing it. She&d been happy to belong to what she saw as a loving and supportive organi3ation that appeared now to be nothing more than a superficial, stuck-up bunch of girls with meaningless friendships, and future networking possibilities that would serve them well only until the high school bubble burst. It shouldn&t have mattered. ;endal shouldn&t have cared. 9ut for some reason, one that she couldn&t put her finger on, it did matter. (or some reason, she did care. She felt her chest e'pand with panic. The s1uad was all she knew at Sampson. 4hat would she be without it= 4ho would she be= She&d have to make all new friends. She&d have to start over, as if she were a freshman. And the thought of that was too overwhelming to entertain. +4hen&s the meeting=/ ;endal asked. +Tomorrow night, at the school lounge,/ 0hristine said. 2er eyes instantly softened. +I told them you&d be busy with tutoring, but if you skip that, then you can come./ She uncrossed her arms and reached for ;endal&s hands. +It&s only going to be a discussion, nothing final. $on&t even mention what I said. %ust tell everyone you&ve been working hard studying, that you still care about the s1uad and your reputation, and that %% is just your tutor and nothing more. I&ll vouch for you./ +>ou&ll vouch for me=/ +-n one condition./ +4hich is*/ +4hich is that you stop hanging out with %%./ +4hat= She&s my tutor./ +5et another one,/ 0hristine said plainly, +or how do you e'pect me to vouch for you=/ If you continue to hang around her no one is going to believe me, or you either for that matter./

;endal glanced toward the basketball team again. 2er heart skipped a beat as she saw %% sprinting from one side of the gym to the other. +-kay,/ she said without looking away. +I&ll stop hanging out with %%./

CHAPTER !#
9y Sunday evening, %% still hadn&t been able to get through the entire poem. It was discouraging, to say the least, seeing as how she&d spent the greater part of the weekend practicing in her dorm room. She hadn&t heard from ;endal at all on Saturday, and assumed she was busy smoothing things over with her roommate. In the meantime, %% had mustered up enough courage to read a few lines of her poem to :ueenie. 9ut that wasn&t the same as reading it out loud to her class, because %% wasn&t e'posing herself. :ueenie already knew everything there was to know about her. 6ot like a classroom of strangers. :ueenie wouldn&t judge %%, nor would she ever critici3e her work. 4hen %% had finished reading a few lines, :ueenie said, +That&s awesome./ and went back to charging more clothes online at her parents& e'pense. #very thing she&d written that %% had ever shared with her, which wasn&t much at all, :ueenie loved. %% could probably scribble out the alphabet, and :ueenie would love it. %% paced nervously across the floor of her dorm room, as :ueenie looked on in amusement. Time was running out. +4hat do you suppose they were arguing about=/ %% stopped pacing, noting :ueenie&s smirking face. +4ho are they and what are you referring to=/ +Those two cheerleaders. They were involved in 1uite the heated discussion, don&t you think=/ +So what= 4hat&s your point=/ %% had seen ;endal and her roommate arguing. 2ow could she have missed them when :ueenie had poked her hard in the side to get her attention= She hadn&t cared then, and she didn&t care now. There were other, more important, things on her mind. 7ike the fact that she had fewer than twenty-four hours until she had to read her poem in front of her entire class. +,y point is that it&s 1uite the coincidence that they were arguing so soon after your late night study session./ :ueenie made sure to enclose her phrase, study session, in 1uotes with her fingers. +$on&t you think=/ +6o, I don&t./ %% immediately regretted telling :ueenie how she and ;endal had stayed up practically all night together talking under the scorers& bo' at the soccer field. +8umors are starting to circulate,/ :ueenie said. +>ou know how this school is a hub for gossip./ +Since when have I cared about rumors=/ +I&m not talking about you. I&m talking about T2# ;endal ,c0arthy. -nce she gets wind of the fact that people think she is batting for the other side now, she might not like it so much./ :ueenie let out a long-winded whistle. +,y guess is that her cheerleader friends aren&t going to like it much either./

+I&m not playing this game with you right now,/ %% warned. +It isn&t a game, %%, that&s the point./ :ueenie stood up, the playful smirk gone from her face. +This is reality. And it&s about time you came back from the wonderful world of make believe./ %% resisted the urge to argue, because in a way she knew :ueenie was right. She&d been fooling herself for a few weeks now, convincing herself that she wasn&t enamored with ;endal, when she was all %% could think about. +All right, I&m in love with the girl,/ she confessed. +Are you happy now=/ +That&s not what I&m talking about,/ :ueenie said. +I know you&re in love with her. I&ve known since the first night you tutored her./ +2ow=/ +9ecause you&ve been walking around in this di33y ha3e ever since./ +Then what are you talking about=/ +I&m talking about the fact that you actually believe she could be in love with you. It&s a fantasy, %%, and it&s never going to happen. -nce ;endal reali3es she can&t play with the lesbians any longer because of what the rest of the school might think, once she reali3es the weight of it, she&s going to stop talking to you./ +She&s not like that,/ %% maintained. +>ou think so= And you&ve known her how long=/ +4hy are you doing this=/ %% asked, a lump forming in her throat. +4hy are you saying these things=/ :ueenie shook her head, +9ecause you never learn. >ou keep falling for girls you can&t have. I hate watching you go through this. I want you to get out this time before it&s too late./ +I appreciate what you&re saying, really I do. 9ut you&re wrong this time,/ %% said. +And you&re wrong about her./ +Am I=/ :ueenie checked the clock on her i"hone. +>ou have a study date with her in an hour, right=/ +8ight./ +I bet you a hundred bucks she doesn&t show./ +That&s absurd,/ said %%. +4hy= 9ecause you know I&m right=/ +6o, because neither of us has a hundred bucks and I won&t accept your parents& credit card./ +(ine. I&ll bet you a pi33a instead./ 6ow this was a bet %% could afford. It was high time that she put :ueenie in her place. :ueenie was the kind of person who thought she was right about everything and everyone. It was time to show her that she could be wrong just as easily as everyone else. %% e'tended her hand. :ueenie shook it. The deal was sealed.

%%%
4hen %% returned to the dorm an hour and a half later, she was carrying a pi33a in one hand and a si'-pack of "epsi in the other. She casually walked into the suite where :ueenie was

sprawled out on the couch watching television, wearing a pair of bo'ers, wool socks and a Tshirt that asked +4hy are all the cool girls lesbians=/ :ueenie acknowledged her presence simply by repositioning herself on the couch so that there was room for two. %% set the pi33a bo' on the coffee table without saying a word, and sat down. She handed the si'-pack to :ueenie, who released one can, popped the top, and passed it over before taking one for herself. %% took a long sip from the can in her hand, letting the sweetness of the soda dance on her tongue before she swallowed. +4hat are you watching=/ she asked. +6othing much./ :ueenie burped, and added, +#'cuse me./ They watched sitcom reruns for the rest of the night and nearly finished off the entire pi33a. They e'changed a few tidbits of conversation, mostly whether the characters they were watching on television were attractive or not. And not once did :ueenie say, +I told you so./

CHAPTER !$
;endal braced herself, and then knocked on ,ya&s door. She had little in common with ,ya 9rooks, aside from the fact that they both were on the cheerleading s1uad. Their conversations were few and far between, and basically centered on schoolwork and cheerleading. ,ya was the captain of the cheerleading s1uad. She cared about the s1uad wholeheartedly, and about little else. It was all she ever talked about. It was her life. ,ya was sweet and understanding, though, which made her easy to talk to. She was compassionate and charitable, a true humanitarian. 9ut as sweet as she was, she knew how to play the game when it mattered. It wasn&t in anyone&s best interest to get in her way whenever cheerleading was concerned. And if anyone ever told her that cheerleading wasn&t a sport, watch out. +0ome in,/ ;endal heard from beyond the peephole. She opened the door and saw ,ya sitting comfortably in a beanbag chair, an open te'tbook in her lap. +;endal,/ ,ya said, surprised. +I wasn&t e'pecting you./ ;endal entered slowly and checked every corner of the room to make sure ,ya was alone. She motioned to the bed, asking for permission to sit down. +Sure, have a seat,/ ,ya said warmly. +I&m sure you heard about our little meeting last night. I had a hunch 0hristine would let you in on it since she isn&t the best at keeping secrets./ +She did,/ ;endal replied evenly. +I was actually going to come to address some things myself, but I didn&t want to make a scene at the meeting./ +4hy would you have made a scene=/ +4ell, wouldn&t you make a scene if you were about to get kicked off the cheerleading s1uad=/ ,ya burst out laughing. +;endal, who said we were kicking you off the s1uad=/ +0hristine did. She said you were having a secret meeting about me because everyone had noticed how I&ve been acting lately. >ou know, avoiding soccer parties and such, and hanging out with certain people. I thought . . ./ +It was a secret meeting of sorts, but in no way were we planning on kicking you off the s1uad. As far as your behavior, we have noticed. 9ut only because of how hard you&ve been working to get your grades up lately. 4e know how upset you&ve been about not being able to

sociali3e as much, and we wanted to throw you a party. The secrecy of the meeting had to do with the planning of the party./ +That&s it=/ ;endal cursed 0hristine under her breath. She might not have blatantly lied to her about the so-called secret meeting, but she&d certainly implied that ;endal was about to be kicked off the s1uad. +4e discussed ideas for the winter formal too, but that&s basically about it./ +I don&t believe this,/ ;endal stood up. +0hristine had me thinking that you were going to kick me out for being gay./ ,ya&s book dropped from her lap. +6ot that I am, in any way, shape or form,/ ;endal hurried to e'plain. +I mean, not that I know of, at this point in my life, or think I might want to . . . if I met someone, a woman, I guess, the thought has crossed my mind, because of %%, but if . . ./ +;endal, are you trying to tell me that you are a lesbian=/ +4hat= 6o./ ;endal said 1uickly. She pulled at her fingers and avoided ,ya&s eyes. +I don&t know./ +4hat&s going on=/ ;endal walked across the room, unable to keep her feelings bottled up any longer. +#ver since I met her, I&ve been all over the place./ +,et who=/ +%%. I&ve never met anyone like her before. And I know she&s a girl. So I ask myself how another girl can make me feel this way. And I try to stop the feelings, but the truth is that I don&t want them to stop. So when 0hristine said that if I wanted to continue to be on the s1uad and keep my friends, then I had to stop spending time with %%, I didn&t know what to do. Then I reali3ed I knew e'actly what to do, because why would I want to be part of a team that dictated who I could spend my time with, or cared more about a reputation than it did about me=/ +So you came here to 1uit the s1uad=/ ,ya asked. +9ecause of what 0hristine had led you to believe=/ +>es,/ ;endal nodded. +I need to figure out my feelings for %%, and I won&t let anybody else do that for me or judge me in any way./ ,ya stood up, took ;endal&s hand and guided her over to the bed. They sat down, side by side. +$id you know that I have an older brother=/ +>es,/ ;endal replied, recalling meeting ,ya&s brother at the homecoming parade last year. +$id you know he&s gay=/ +2e is=/ ;endal remembered a tall, handsome and muscular fellow who went to college in 9oston. 2e had seemed more like a ladies& man than a man&s man. +>es. And he&s even in a fraternity./ +A gay one=/ ,ya laughed, +6o, silly, it&s not a gay fraternity. It&s a regular fraternity. It has straight members, too. And black members. And white members. The point is that it doesn&t matter what you are. 4hy should it=/ +I don&t know, 0hristine seems to think */ +It seems that 0hristine has some personal issues to work out on her own. I&m thinking I should develop a course on tolerance for the whole s1uad, make it mandatory./ She smiled, +4hat do you think=/ +I think that&s a great idea./

;endal was glad she&d decided not to go to the meeting after all. That would have been awkward, especially if she&d burst into the room accusing everybody of plotting against her. 9ut she regretted the fact that she&d decided not to meet %% in the library for their tutoring session. She hadn&t even sent her a simple te't to say she couldn&t make it. After 0hristine had given her the ultimatum, ;endal initially agreed not to see %%. 9ut as Saturday turned into Sunday, and Sunday turned into Sunday evening, her stomach soured with the thought of what 0hristine had actually asked her to do. It soured more with the thought of what she&d agreed to do. The spot under the scorers& bo' served its purpose for a couple of hours. Then ;endal became afraid that %% would come looking for her after she&d skipped their tutoring session. She ended up going for a walk out on the edge of town where she was sure no one would find her. #verything in her life had suddenly been turned upside down. It was either #mily $ickinson&s fault or %%&s. ;endal couldn&t decide which one. Somewhere along the road ;endal found a beautiful weeping willow with a thick trunk, a perfect spot for organi3ing her thoughts. She sat down, leaned up against the bark, stretched her legs out on the tall blades of grass and withdrew her volume of #mily $ickinson. ;endal didn&t know why she&d brought the body of work with her, the volume of poetry that once plagued her and gave her nightmares. (or some reason she felt it might give her comfort, and maybe help her make sense out of everything she&d been feeling. She flipped opened the book, closed her eyes, and rested her finger on a single line. 4hen she opened her eyes, she saw the words of the poem before her. 2er finger had landed on that page by chance, yet for some reason ;endal felt that it was supposed to land on that poem. She knew that poem. It meant something. And it made everything that she&d been feeling make sense. She remembered that poem now, as she sat beside ,ya. +Is everything okay=/ ,ya asked. ;endal thought about the poem, the words that were branded in her brain, and had been since the first time she&d studied it. +>es. #verything is more than okay,/ she said. +In fact, everything is perfect./ +5ood./ ,ya gave ;endal a slight hug and added, +If you ever need to talk more about this, just let me know./ +I might take you up on that./ ;endal headed for the door, feeling more relieved than she could have hoped. She paused in the threshold, turned and said, +I underestimated you./ +And I underestimated 0hristine,/ said ,ya. +$on&t worry. I plan on having a little talk with her./ Although ;endal longed to have a little talk with 0hristine herself, the slight hint of wickedness in ,ya&s voice was enough to satisfy ;endal&s appetite for revenge.

%%%
;yan was lying facedown on his bed with a pillow over his head. 2e had a pounding headache and a severely bruised ego. 4hat girl in her right mind would have the nerve to stand him up= It didn&t make any sense. 5etting a girl had never been this hard. 9ut with ;endal ,c0arthy it seemed almost impossible. She hadn&t shown any interest in him that night at the soccer party when the two of them were left alone in a room. And she couldn&t have cared less when he tracked her down in the

library to invite her to only one of the best and most e'clusive parties of the year. And when he finally thought he had made a dent, the day she&d come to his room to accept the invite, she&d stood him up anyway. 2e had acted like such a fool, playing the sweet and sensitive guy. Apparently, that whole approach had been pointless. 9ut he had thought that that was the kind of guy ;endal would respond to. ,aybe she was one of those girls who always fell for the jerk= The guy who never called back, acted like she didn&t e'ist= 4hoever said that nice guys finish last must have known what he was talking about. The end of the soccer season, as well as fall semester, for that matter, was just around the corner, and with it came Sampson Academy&s famous winter formal. To ;yan, it was his last chance to put an e'clamation point on a perfect high school career. The soccer team was always paired with the cheerleading s1uad for winter formal. It was Sampson Academy&s version of a prom, only larger and more upscale. #veryone at the formal voted for the perfect couple, which meant that the chosen pair, who would be anointed ;ing and :ueen, attained a status far higher than everyone else. ;yan was determined to be one of the chosen. In his mind*in his perfect plan*he would be the king and ;endal would be his 1ueen. 9ut in order to achieve that goal, he needed a new game plan. The one he had hatched originally was not working. At first he had thought that 0hristine was his best way in since she had told ;yan many things about ;endal, things that she&d thought ;endal would respond to. And they hadn&t worked. It had appeared that 0hristine thought she knew ;endal better than she actually did. There was one other person, though, one other girl that ;yan had seen ;endal hanging around with over the past month, ;endal&s tutor, the girl on the basketball team. If he could somehow convince her to plant a seed in ;endal&s mind about him, get her to do a little pushing and prodding on his behalf, ;endal just might bend. She just might let him in. It appeared to be a feasible plan of action. 5irls always listened to their closest friends when it came to dating guys. 4hat better way to get to ;endal than to go through a close friend=

CHAPTER !&
%% sat on a wooden bench in front of the grand fountain, the symbolic centerpiece of the 1uad. 9ut since the weather had recently turned colder, the fountain had been shut off. 9y itself, without water, the cement structure was depressing, lifeless. It had no purpose. It just stood there, taking up space, while students wandered by and paid it no attention. %% wondered if the fountain missed the water during the bitter cold winter months. #ven its soft blue color had faded, which left it looking gray. The water was the fountain&s life source and without it, the fountain couldn&t go on living. 4ell, at least for the rest of the winter. Then, every spring, when winter thawed, the school staged a big party on the 1uad the day the fountain water was turned back on. And the fountain sprang enthusiastically back to life. %% sat there, wondering why she&d just wasted a decent amount of her brain cells crafting a metaphor on the circle of life and a waterless fountain when she could be doing something much more productive with her time. 9ut this is what usually happened when the $ibble Syndrome hit. It sucked the life right out of her. It made no sense, rhyme nor reason. It left her in a complete and utter da3e.

6othing mattered to her, not basketball, not even her writing. She hadn&t written anything for at least a week, in fact. #ver since ;endal hadn&t shown up for their tutoring session, she&d been moping around as if it were the end of the world. It didn&t help that she saw ;endal practically everywhere she went. Attending a small private school made it far too easy to bump into the same people on a regular basis*whether you wanted to or not. 9ut ;endal never even looked in her direction. %% figured she felt bad about what happened and would rather forget all about it, #mily $ickinson and those +wild nights/ included. 4hat made it all worse, though, was the fact that :ueenie had been right about ;endal all along. %% shook her head in disappointment. ,aybe she needed to be more like :ueenie. ,aybe she needed to not care, to not let herself get attached. 9ut %% knew that was impossible. She did care. And her emotions ran so deep there was no way she could be with someone without getting attached. ;eeping people at arm&s length was a skill that :ueenie had mastered, for whatever reason. %% had never asked her why. She assumed :ueenie had gotten burned somewhere along the way, possibly by a former girlfriend. -r maybe she was just cynical because it was part of her personality. #ither way, it was 1uite obvious that she was bitter when it came to relationships. 9ut as many times as %% got her heart stepped on, she refused to be like :ueenie. She was a hopeless romanticN so what= It was better than being a cynic. +4henever something like this happens, you go off to find yourself./ The voice rose from behind. %% turned around to see :ueenie standing there, hands in her pockets, a wide grin on her face. +It&s pathetic, isn&t it=/ %% asked, turning back to face the fountain. She wondered what :ueenie would think about her little fountain metaphor. +6o, it&s not pathetic,/ :ueenie returned. She walked over and sat down on the bench. +It&s just the way you deal with things. And it&s probably a lot healthier than the way I deal with things./ +>ou mean by ignoring the feelings=/ +#'actly./ +Sometimes I think that&s just what I need to do./ +Say no more, my friend./ :ueenie slapped %% on the knee and stood up. +7et&s go./ +4here=/ +I called a few people. 4e&re going to go dancing downtown./ +Tonight=/ +Tonight./ %% frowned. She wasn&t sure she was up for one of :ueenie&s cra3y adventures. +4hat= >ou&ve got something better to do=/ :ueenie asked in a tone that told %% she shouldn&t attempt to argue. It was clear that :ueenie had every intention of dragging her downtown whether she wanted to go or not. +6o, I guess not./ +And no tutoring=/ +6o tutoring./ +And you got that e'tension for your writing class, right= >ou don&t have to read that poem anytime soon=/

%% nodded. She had gotten an e'tension. It had been her last hope because she hadn&t even been close to being prepared last ,onday morning when she was supposed to read her poem out loud. And in a state of panic, she&d asked to speak to ,rs. 0lark out in the hall. She desperately tried to e'plain her stage fright and that she was doing her best to overcome it. Somehow it had worked because ,rs. 0lark took pity on her and granted %% an e'tension. At the end of the semester, during e'ams, the writing class held an open reading at The Spot. #very person in the class had to select the best piece from their own body of work that they had accumulated over the semester. They were to read their pieces aloud in front of the entire class and whoever else was in the audience. #ach student would be graded on both the writing and their stage delivery. ,rs. 0lark&s one stipulation had been that %% read the poem that she had already selected. %% had agreed on the spot. She didn&t have a choice. 9ut it really didn&t matter which poem she read, just as long as she didn&t have to read it out loud anytime soon. She figured that she&d be able to con1uer her stage fright by the time the end of the semester came around. At least, she hoped she would be able to. +So it&s settled then,/ said :ueenie. +4e&re going out./ She yanked %% off the bench. +4e&ve got to do something about your outfit, though. There&s no way I&m going to a club with you looking like that./ %% regarded her clothes. She was wearing her basketball jersey pants, a dark-blue hooded sweatshirt and flip-flops with white socks. +I swear,/ :ueenie shook her head. +Sometimes you just scream @I need a makeover&./

%%%
4ith :ueenie&s help, %% emerged from her dorm room looking 1uite hip in faded jeans, a form-fitting vintage long-sleeved T-shirt, and her favorite pair of Adidas sneakers. She even had taken time to do her hair. 9efore they left the dorm, :ueenie sprayed %% with her own cologne because she swore up and down that it made the ladies wild. They s1uee3ed into :ueenie&s 9,4 with a few other members of the basketball team, and proceeded to pick up three more people along the way into downtown 8ichmond. 9y the time they arrived at the club, %% couldn&t wait to e'it the sardine can that :ueenie&s lu'ury car had become. 2er ears were ringing from the stereo, since the bass had been turned up so loud. :ueenie happily pulled into valet parking. She was also in with the bouncer, who called her by name once he saw her. They e'changed a half hug and a heartfelt slap on each other&s backs. 2e watched %% suspiciously. +It&s fine,/ :ueenie told him. +She&s with me./ They walked as a group through the doors of the club under the bouncer&s watchful eye, and took the stairs to the second level where the entrance was. +Sometimes when I&m out with you, I feel like I&m with someone famous,/ %% said. +>ou are,/ :ueenie teased. +I&m the most popular lesbian in all of <irginia. $idn&t I tell you=/ %% laughed, though at that moment she wondered if maybe she should have just stayed home. 9ut then :ueenie wrapped her arm around her and yelled, +It&s going to be a great night./ and %%&s doubt disappeared in an instant.

They reached the second floor landing, walked down a narrow corridor and out into an open space that was packed wall to wall with every type of lesbian you could possibly imagine. The music was deafening, and you could almost see the walls shaking. +7et&s go dance,/ :ueenie yelled, and pointed in the direction of the dance floor. %% nodded and followed the group through the crowd. She gently pushed her way through the sea of people and happily emerged at the spot where :ueenie was standing. :ueenie began dancing at once to the techno music that blared through the speakers while %% tried desperately to find her rhythm, which was 1uite hard to do, since she had none. +>ou look ridiculous,/ she told :ueenie in order to draw attention away from herself. +,e= At least I move to the beat./ %% frowned. She stopped dancing and moved through the crowd toward the wall where she&d do some people-watching instead. :ueenie motioned for her to come and join in more than a few times, but %% just nodded or waved in her direction. 9y the time :ueenie found a suitable dancing partner who proceeded to put her spaghetti arms all over her, she&d forgotten that %% was even there. An hour later, %% was still leaning against the wall. A girl who looked about her age made her way over and struck up a conversation. She offered to buy %% a soda, but all %% could think about was the fact that the girl standing ne't to her wasn&t ;endal. Sure, she was cute enough. 2er smile was the one bright spot in the entire evening. 9ut she wasn&t captivating by any means, and as soon as their conversation fi33led out the girl moved on to someone else. At that point, %% was ready to leave the club. She scanned the crowd for :ueenie again, and spotted her off in the corner kissing the same girl who had been all over her on the dance floor. %% once again made her way through the crowd. +:ueenie./ %% shouted, though she was standing right in front of her. +I&m leaving./ :ueenie lifted her head and glanced around as if she&d forgotten where she was. +4hy=/ she asked, assuming %% had been having the time of her life. +9ecause I&m ready to go./ :ueenie stepped away from her make-out partner in crime, and pushed %% to the side. +I&m not ready to go yet. I&m kind of in the middle of something./ She raised an eyebrow and motioned behind her where the girl was patiently waiting. %% glared at her. +$o whatever you want,/ she sputtered. 9efore :ueenie could stop her, %% took off through the crowd. She stomped down a narrow corridor, and pushed through the first e'it door she saw. 9ut when she stepped out onto the fire escape, she knew instantly that she&d made a wrong turn. %% panicked and turned 1uickly to open the e'it door but it was too late. It had locked firmly behind her and she was now stuck on the fire escape.

CHAPTER !'
+The fire escape=/ :ueenie stared in ama3ement. +>ou got stuck on the fire escape= At the club=/ They both were still dressed in their pajamas, eating :ueenie&s 0hinese food order that had just been delivered. It was almost K p.m., and %% still felt e'hausted from their late night out.

+And you had your cell phone on you the entire time=/ :ueenie asked between mouthfuls of ;ung "ao chicken. %% nodded. The night had been a complete and utter failure. After she finally got down from the fire escape, she&d taken a cab back to school. :ueenie still wasn&t home, so %% crawled into bed. She heard :ueenie come in an hour later. The two of them slept until after noon, when :ueenie had finally rolled over and asked, +4hat in the world happened to you last night=/ +>es, and I&ll repeat it again for those of you who are hard of hearing. I got stuck on the fire escape at the club./ +So how were you able to get down=/ :ueenie asked. +I figured out how to release the latch on the stairs, only they didn&t fall all the way to the ground. I walked across them anyway, and they fell from underneath me. I managed to land on my feet somehow, and then I reali3ed I was in the middle of a broken down lot with fire barrels, broken beer bottles, and random individuals lurking about. I sprinted down the first alley I spotted and jumped into the back of a cab, which cost me twenty-five bucks, by the way./ %% had wanted :ueenie to feel remorseful for what happened. 9ut when %% told her story, :ueenie showed no remorse*only laughter and sarcasm. And, really, who could blame :ueenie= 5etting stuck on a fire escape at a club was not an average occurrence. And in hindsight, it was considerably amusing. %% had even laughed at herself when she described how she&d finally gotten down. +At least you have a really good story to tell because of it,/ :ueenie said. +I mean, seriously, that&s the kind of story you break out at boring parties and other humdrum social functions./ +It wouldn&t be as funny if I had fallen or been robbed at gunpoint,/ %% replied as she nibbled on some white rice. +I should have never gone out./ +9ut, if you hadn&t gone out, you wouldn&t have had any fun sitting here pouting, and you wouldn&t have gotten stuck on the fire escape, either. That means you wouldn&t have lived to tell what I now consider to be the greatest story ever told./ :ueenie pointed at %% with her fork before she pierced a piece of chicken and gobbled it up. +(unny./ %% sipped her soda. +So, now you know what happened to me last night. I still don&t know how the rest of your night was./ +Trust me. ,y story isn&t half as good as yours./ +$o tell./ +There&s nothing to tell./ +4hat happened with you and that girl at the club=/ +6ot much,/ :ueenie shrugged, and fished around in her carton for any remaining bits of chicken before tossing it aside on the table. Then she turned on the television as if she&d grown bored with the conversation. +(rom my perspective, it looked like more than @not much was going on,&/ %% pressed. +4e hung out for a bit more and that&s it,/ :ueenie repeated, eyes fi'ed on the television. +I tell you what you deem to be the greatest story ever told, and you can&t even offer me a few simple words about a girl you met at a club=/ +4e were having fun, and then I lost interest./ +4hat do you mean=/ +I mean, after the club closed we went our separate ways, and I felt*used./ %% shook her head from side to side, +4ait a minute. >ou felt used= >ou= :ueenie ,c9ride=/

:ueenie turned off the television, and threw the remote control at the recliner in the corner of the room. +$o you have to make me sound like that big of a jerk=/ she snapped. %% paused. +-kay. 4hat&s going on with you=/ +6othing, I&m just*maybe I&m thinking too much./ +:ueenie, seriously. 4hat&s going on=/ %% set the can of soda aside and sat up in her chair. +Something is obviously bothering you. It&s me, you can talk to me./ +I don&t know what it is,/ :ueenie said finally. +I just felt sort of hollow when I woke up this morning, like I suddenly grew a conscience./ She pretended to pick off something repulsive from her forehead and flicked it to the ground. +2ow do I get rid of it=/ +>our conscience= I don&t think you can,/ %% told her. +>ou&re pretty much stuck with it./ +It was so awkward when we left the club,/ :ueenie said, and stood up. She circled the room, focusing her eyes nowhere in particular. +4e said this weird goodbye, and that&s it. 9ut for some reason I felt like I should get to know the girl, you know= 7ike on a deeper level or something. So, I asked her for her number to see if she wanted to go out again sometime./ She stopped circling and glared at %%. +And you know what she said to me= She said, @I&m not into that.& So I said, @not into what=& And she said, @relationships.&/ +And that bothered you because . . . =/ +Are you kidding me=/ :ueenie e'claimed. +That&s my line. 4here does she get off using my line=/ +4ait a second,/ %% scratched her head. +Are you mad about her stealing your line or the fact that you are the one who got played in this little scenario=/ +6either. 9oth. I don&t know./ :ueenie slumped down onto the recliner. +-kay. Try this one on for si3e,/ %% began. +4hat if last night was basically a chance for you to see yourself through your own eyes, or through the eyes of some of the girls you hook up with and leave hanging= >ou felt how they feel after you cast them aside. >ou felt the need for something more, something a bit more real. >ou felt the need to open yourself up to someone else. And it bothered you that you were actually the one who got burned./ :ueenie s1uinted and shifted in her seat, as if she were contemplating %%&s words long and hard. Then she grimaced and retrieved the remote control from beneath her because it was pinching her butt and tossed it aside. +6ope. I don&t think that&s it,/ she said. +I think I just wondered*for a very, very, e'tremely brief moment*what it would be like to actually date someone. And thankfully, that girl&s response brought me back to reality./ +That girl=/ %% cringed, and rubbed her temples. +>ou don&t even remember her name=/ +Shelia*Shannon. I don&t know. It was something that started with an @S&./ +Are you listening to what you are saying=/ +4hat= She probably doesn&t remember my name either./ +4ait a minute. (ive seconds ago you had a conscience. >ou had a moment of guilt. A moment when the enormous brick wall that normally hides your emotions came tumbling down. 4hat happened=/ +#h. It passed./ +It passed=/ +>es. The moment passed./ +%ust like that=/ :ueenie snapped her fingers, +%ust like that./

%% threw her hands up in the air, +2ow in the world is that possible=/ +Simple. I reali3ed who I was talking to./ +And just who are you talking to=/ +I&m talking to someone who does the opposite of me. Someone who opens herself up to people. Someone who doesn&t have a so-called brick wall. So she ends up being someone who gets hurt on a regular basis./ :ueenie weighed one hand against the other. +I figure, hey*it&s safer doing things my way. At least I&m not the one who gets hurt./ Though she didn&t admit it, %% knew that :ueenie was right on some level. After all, she&d been right about ;endal.

CHAPTER !(
%%&s stomach tossed and turned in directions she didn&t know were possible. She sat in the dining hall, forcing down bites of spaghetti with marinara sauce, between ample gulps of milk. :ueenie sat across from her, comfortably stuffing her face as usual. +2ow can you eat like that before a game=/ %% asked, as :ueenie shoved a piece of bread slathered with butter into her eager mouth. +I&m hungry,/ :ueenie said, as if being hungry gave her the right to devour any and every piece of food set in front of her. +I need energy for the game. And so do you./ %% set her fork down and rubbed her stomach. +I feel like I am going to throw up./ +It&s just a game,/ :ueenie said as she proceeded to mop up the rest of the sauce on her plate with another piece of buttered bread. +It really isn&t that big of a deal./ +I know./ %% picked up her fork again, this time with determination. +I can&t help it. I get nervous./ She spun some pasta around the fork and opened wide. +>ou get nervous about everything. ,aybe some "ro3ac would help=/ +"ro3ac is an anti-depressant. And I&m not depressed. I just get a little an'ious now and then./ +A little=/ :ueenie mocked. +>ou get an'ious when it&s raining outside and you can&t find an umbrella./ +I&m not that bad./ +Trust me. >ou are that bad./ +4hy don&t you ever get nervous=/ :ueenie shrugged and ate more bread and butter. +That&s just part of your character, I suppose,/ %% said enviously. +I wish I could be as carefree as you sometimes./ +I wish I could write like you sometimes,/ :ueen returned. +9esides, what makes you think I&m so carefree=/ +5ee, I don&t know. 2ow about the fact that you barely blink under what I would consider stressful situations./ +Such as=/ +Such as*talking to girls, taking e'ams, playing in basketball games, graduating from high school, getting into a good college*pretty much life in general./ +It&s all trivial, %%. >ou put too much stock into things that don&t matter./ +#'ams don&t matter= 9asketball doesn&t matter= 0ollege doesn&t matter=/

+6ot in the big scheme of things. 7ife is too short to worry about the small stuff. >ou think I care if 0oach chews me out for missing a shot that would have won us a game= There&s always going to be another game. There&s always going to be another girl to talk to. And in life there&s always going to be another e'am or test of some sort, on paper or otherwise. 4hy break a sweat over each one=/ +0ome on, :ueenie,/ said %%. +There are things in life that are worth sweating over./ +,aybe. 9ut just hear me out./ +-kay. I&m listening./ +Take your stage fright, for instance. 4hat is it that you really are afraid of=/ +I&m afraid of what people are going to think about my work./ +That&s just an e'cuse and you know it,/ said :ueenie. She pointed a knowing finger about an inch away from %%&s nose. +"eople are going to criti1ue your work whether you read it out loud or not. >ou&re a writer, %%. It&s part of the game you&re in./ +Then what am I afraid of=/ asked %%. +4hat you really are afraid of is success. 9ecause once you get up on stage and read your stuff*just once*you&ll be able to do it again without thinking twice. >ou&ve just got to do it knowing that you are going to get up there again, knowing that there will be other opportunities to do so, knowing that the first time you get up there isn&t the end-all, be-all for you. $eep inside, you know you can do it. $eep inside, you know you want to do it./ :ueenie pressed her finger to %%&s nose as if she were pushing a button. +>ou just have to 1uit stalling, and do it./ +>ou know,/ %% started her response, and then whacked :ueenie&s finger away from her face, +$espite all the nonsense you have ever spouted before, this time you are actually making sense./ :ueenie smiled, folded her hands and began to twiddle her thumbs. If %% didn&t know any better, she would have assumed that :ueenie was wise beyond her years. 9ut she did know better. She also knew how easy it was to give sound advice to other people, rather than taking advice yourself. She gave :ueenie a long look. +4hat about you=/ +4hat about me=/ :ueenie continued to twiddle. +0ome on, :ueenie. Isn&t there anything in this world that you&re afraid of=/ :ueenie tipped her toes and leaned back, tilting the front legs of her chair up in the air, and stared up at the ceiling. %% waited patiently for her to respond, and picked at her spaghetti even though she knew she was finished eating. +>es,/ :ueenie said at last. +>es=/ +>es. There is one thing that I am afraid of./ +And that would be=/ +9ecoming my parents./ %% glared at her, +I was being serious./ +So am I./ +>ou&re way too hard on them./ +7isten. >ou know my parents, but you don&t really know my parents. I don&t want to be anything like them./ +That&s fine,/ %% said, sliding her plate aside. +9ut don&t push it to the limit by taking advantage of them at every turn, or belittling them every chance you get. >ou never let it rest. It&s almost as if you enjoy making life difficult for them to appease your own agenda when

maybe, if you just talked to them, you might be able to find common ground you can share with them./ +Trust me,/ :ueenie said as she settled her chair back into an upright position, +There&s no common ground./ +I wonder sometimes*/ %% posed. +If you didn&t have your parents to torment on a regular basis, who would you be= >ou define yourself by defying them./ 9efore :ueenie had a chance to respond, a shadow fell over the table. 9oth %% and :ueenie looked up. ;yan Stevens loomed over them. +$o you know him=/ :ueenie asked. She pointed her thumb awkwardly in his direction, like a hitchhiker la3ily hailing a ride. +0an I talk to you=/ ;yan asked, keeping his eyes planted on %%, ignoring :ueenie altogether. +It&s important./ +I&ll leave you two kids alone,/ :ueenie volunteered, and gave up her seat. She raised an eyebrow at %% as if to say, +4ho is this creep=/ ;yan sat down across from %%, uninvited. 2e had the kind of look on his face that said he either was incredibly desperate or had just flunked a test. +I need you to do something for me,/ he said. +I&m sorry*what=/ %% returned. +I said I need you to do something for me./ +)m*why=/ +9ecause you seem like a nice person./ %% hated the fact that he was right. +True, but I&m still not following you./ +>ou&re friends with ;endal ,c0arthy, right=/ +>ou could say that./ %%&s eyes drifted over to the cheerleading table. It was empty. +0ome on. I used to see you two hanging around together all the time. I know you&re tight with her./ ;yan leaned in and whispered, +That&s why I want you to talk to her about me./ +Talk to her about you=/ +>es./ +And why would I do that e'actly=/ +9ecause I want to go out with her./ %% cocked her head to one side, and asked the obvious 1uestion that was dancing on her tongue. +4hy don&t you just ask her yourself=/ +She&s kind of playing hard to get, if you know what I mean./ ;yan reached up and idly scratched his right bicep, which appeared as though it was about to burst out of his tightly-fitting sweater. +And I know how girls always listen to their friends when it comes to dating guys. I just need you to say a few nice things about me./ +4hy me=/ +9ecause you&re her friend./ +9ut I hardly know you./ +4hat&s to know= I&m the captain of the soccer team, I&m going to go to law school, I&m popular, and,/ he smiled devilishly, +it&s been said that I&m one of the best looking guys at school. 4hy wouldn&t you want her to date a guy like me=/ I could think of a thousand reasons why not, %% thought. +All I need you to do is give her a little nudge in my direction,/ ;yan e'plained. +7isten, I don&t think I&m the right person to*/ +9ecause I really like her. And this would help me out a lot./

%% sat there, entirely confused. The conversation seemed so out of the realm of reality that she almost pinched herself to see if she were dreaming. +7ook, I can appreciate your interest in ;endal,/ she said, +but I&m not the person you should be talking to./ +4hy not=/ ;yan practically whined. +>ou two seem like best friends or something./ +4e aren&t best friends. 4e aren&t even friends. I was her tutor. That&s it. 4e don&t even talk anymore. 4hy don&t you ask one of her cheerleading buddies to help you out=/ +I did. ;endal didn&t listen to them./ +Then I&d doubt she&d listen to me./ %% stood up and pushed her chair in. +I&m sorry. I can&t help you./ +4ait*/ ;yan reached over and grabbed hold of %%&s arm as she passed by his side of the table. +0an&t you at least give me some advice on how to win her over= Anything at all=/ +7ike I said, I can&t help you./ %% stared at his hand until he let go. +I&ve got a game to get to,/ she told him sharply. +That&s it=/ ;yan called after her as she walked away. +>ou won&t even consider helping me out=/

CHAPTER !)
The game had been close, too close for %%&s liking, but the Sampson 7ady >ellow %ackets were able to pull out a win against a formidable rival. :ueenie had played superbly, according to 0oach 0ook, and finished the night with an admirable si'teen points. %% had played well, too, well enough to redeem herself in 0oach&s eyes by turning in eight assists and scoring twelve points. +6ow that&s the %% I know and love,/ 0oach 0ook said after the end of the game. +That&s the %% I need to run this offense for the rest of the season./ And so it was official. %% had secured her starting position. The team stood in a circle in the middle of the locker room as 0oach 0ook rambled on about the game. +4e&ve still got a lot to work on, ladies. 9ut I&m pleased with what I saw out on the floor tonight. >ou not only played with skill, but you also played with heart. And heart is what we need*/ %%&s mind drifted as she pretended to listen to what 0oach 0ook was saying. After the game, as she was making her way to the locker room, laughing and relishing the win with her teammates, she&d noticed an unusual face in the crowd. Their eyes met for only a moment before %% had to look away. She was glad she hadn&t noticed her during the game because then she would have been distracted, she wouldn&t have been able to concentrate, and maybe she wouldn&t have been able to play as well as she had. 9ut now that she&d seen her in the stands, she couldn&t help but wonder what in the world T2# ;endal ,c0arthy was doing there. They hadn&t spoken since ;endal had stood %% up. They hadn&t even as much as made eye contact. There was no apology, whether by te't or by phone. So %% figured their friendship, or whatever it was, was over. +6ow I want you to enjoy the win for tonight. 9ut tomorrow we start with a clean record once again. Tomorrow we get back to the basics and we start preparing for our ne't game against 4illiam and ,ary./

0oach 0ook threw her hand into the center of the circle. #veryone else followed suit. +5reat team effort tonight, ladies. 5reat team effort. I want team on three. -ne, two, three./ The word team reverberated throughout the locker room and 0oach 0ook&s after-game speech finally had ended. 0oach left the room, floating on a natural high that %% and :ueenie assumed would carry her through the rest of the evening. +0oach can certainly ramble on when she wants to,/ :ueenie said, as she pulled on her warm-ups. +She just rambles when she&s happy,/ %% said. +4hen we lose, it&s a different story. Then it&s always short and sweet./ +0an&t wait to hear those pep talks. I&m glad we won though. 9y the way, was that the girl&s team or the boy&s team we just played=/ +The way they knocked your skinny butt around, you wouldn&t know, would you=/ +;nocked me around= I&m all muscle,/ :ueenie declared, as she fle'ed her arms. +I can hold my own./ +>ou definitely played well tonight. 2ow did 0oach put it e'actly= Superbly=/ +>ou weren&t so bad yourself. 7ooks like you&re back on 0oach&s good side./ +It&s about time./ :ueenie sniffed her underarms, +,an, I stink. >ou ready= I want to get back and shower before we go out./ %% checked in and around her locker to make sure she wasn&t leaving anything behind. +I&m ready. And what&s this @we& stuff= $o you have another lesbian in your pocket or something=/ +0ome on, we won a game. That sounds like a good enough reason to celebrate to me./ +I thought you didn&t care if we won or lost=/ +I don&t care if we lose, but when we win it gives me an e'cuse to go out./ +I think I&m going to stay in tonight./ %% yawned and stretched. +I don&t think I&ve recovered from the fire escape incident just yet./ They left the locker room together, discussing the highlights of the game as they reentered the gym. %% was in the middle of reliving a sweet behind-the-back pass that she&d made to :ueenie late in the third 1uarter, when she noticed that ;endal was still sitting on the bleachers. +The point guard didn&t even see where the ball went./ :ueenie e'claimed before she reali3ed that %% wasn&t walking beside her anymore. As soon as she saw ;endal making her way down the bleachers one step at a time, she knew why. +5ive me a moment,/ %% whispered. :ueenie hesitated. +"lease=/ +-kay. I&ll see you back at the dorm./ %% composed herself and stood as tall as she could in an otherwise defensive stance, debating whether or not she should meet ;endal halfway or stay where she was. 9y the time she made up her mind, ;endal already stood in front of her. +5reat game. >ou&re really good./ +Thanks,/ %% replied as evenly as possible. +I&ve never actually been to women&s basketball game before./ ;endal took in the empty gym. +It was e'citing and fun to watch./ +>ou know what they say, there&s a first time for everything./ /That&s very true./

A lull in the already struggling conversation irritated %%. +2ey, look,/ she said roughly. +I&m glad you came to the game. 9ut I&ve really got to get */ +I didn&t come here just to watch the game,/ ;endal interrupted. +I came here to apologi3e./ +(or=/ +(or standing you up. (or avoiding you. (or making you think that*/ +That you are as shallow as the rest of the cheerleading s1uad=/ ;endal closed her eyes. +I know how it looked,/ she said. +9ut it&s not what you think./ +>ou know, :ueenie warned me. She said you&d get all freaked out when your friends started wondering why we were hanging out so much./ %% shoved her hands angrily in her pockets. +She said you&d stop talking to me. And I stuck up for you. I said you&d never do anything like that. 5uess you proved her right./ +I didn&t freak out, as you put it,/ said ;endal. +>ou know me./ +6o, I don&t. That&s the problem. I don&t know you at all./ +>es, you do./ ;endal reached out and touched %% on the arm. +>ou know me better than anyone else at this school./ %% took a giant step backwards. +I thought I knew you,/ she said, as she bent over to pick up her gym bag off the floor. +And then I reali3ed that you&re not the person I thought you were at all./ +At least give me a chance to apologi3e, to e'plain what happened,/ ;endal pleaded. +If you&re so eager to apologi3e, why did you wait so long to talk to me= I&ve seen you around campus and you acted as if I wasn&t there./ ;endal cringed, +I know*I was embarrassed about what happened. And I thought you were angry with me and needed some space. I just want to e'plain*/ +>ou don&t have to e'plain anything. It is what it is./ %% slung her gym bag over her shoulder. +5ood luck with the rest of your semester, you know, with #mily $ickinson and your 4omen&s 7iterature class. I know you&ll do well./ She turned to walk away then stopped abruptly. +-h, and you should probably know that ;yan Stevens is head over heels for you./ +4hat are you talking about=/ +2e stopped by to see me earlier today. 4anted me to put in a good word for him. Apparently he thought we were good friends or something. I guess he likes you a lot./ +4hy are you telling me this=/ +9ecause maybe you should give him a chance. ,aybe he&s not such a bad guy after all. ,aybe he can give you some of those @wild nights& you&ve been wishing for./ +Are you serious=/ +>eah. 2e&s perfect for you. And I&m sure all of your friends would approve./ ;endal opened her mouth wide but %% didn&t wait for her to respond. Instead, against her better judgment, she decided to walk away. 9ut when ;endal didn&t try to stop her or come running after her, she wondered if she&d made the right decision.

CHAPTER "*

4hile she hid strategically behind the big chunky couch in the school lounge, ;endal wondered if :ueenie had spotted her. (rom where she hid, she clearly could see :ueenie standing in front of her student mailbo', shuffling through its contents. She was dressed as if she were going out downtown, in faded jeans, a v-neck sweater and an e'pensive black leather jacket. To ;endal&s right sat a group of students of various ages, races and religious beliefs. They were a part of the 0ultural Awareness Society. ;endal had sneaked into the school lounge under their cover, and pretended to be involved in their group meeting as she kept a watchful eye on :ueenie. +And you are=/ ;endal heard a voice ask. She turned her head to see the 0ultural Awareness Society president staring directly at her from the podium in the center of the room. 2is eyes were warm and welcoming, intent on nursing her out of the shadow of the couch. ;endal stood slowly, gradually e'posing herself to the rest of the group. They all wore matching smiles along with their 0ultural Awareness Society pins. +>es, you behind the couch./ The president pointed a finger. +4hat&s your name=/ +;endal*/ +2ello, ;endal. #veryone, please say hello to ;endal./ +2ello, ;endal,/ the students said in unison. ;endal gave a slight and awkward wave. +4hat brings you to our meeting tonight, ;endal=/ +4ell*/ ;endal stammered and pulled at her fingers. She could see :ueenie close and lock her mailbo' and head for the doors. +It&s okay, take your time,/ the president said patiently. +I, I,/ ;endal&s eyes darted around the room and then down at her feet. +I was*I&m not here for the meeting, really, I*/ She saw a 1uarter protruding from the couch cushion and 1uickly bent over to snatch it up. 4hen she stood up, she gladly showed the group the shiny 1uarter in her hand. +See, earlier today I dropped some change in the couch. 9ut look, I found it./ The entire group looked at her strangely. ;endal could only flash them a 1uick apologetic smile before she hurried away from the couch. +Sorry to interrupt./ she called over her shoulder as she shoved the 1uarter into her jeans pocket and pushed through the doors. :ueenie was standing on the curb outside, talking on her cell phone. She kept checking her watch after every other sentence, as if she were waiting for someone who obviously was late. ;endal approached her slowly, and tapped her gently on the shoulder. She spun around and the phone dropped from her ear to her side. +0an I help you=/ :ueenie asked. +$o you have a minute=/ :ueenie gestured at the phone in her hand, and then looked back at ;endal. +It&s important,/ ;endal insisted. :ueenie slowly returned the phone to her ear. +2ey. >eah. ,eet me in five minutes instead. %ust give me five minutes./ She hung up the phone and slid it into her back pocket, then crossed her arms over her chest. +>ou&ve got five minutes./ +(ive minutes is all I need,/ ;endal said. She took a deep breath and plunged forward into the chilly night air. +I already know what you think of me. 9ut you&ve got it wrong. I wasn&t

going to stop talking to %%. In fact, I want to do the e'act opposite. I want to talk to her more. I want to*spend more time with her. I want to*I don&t know. I really*/ +4hy&d you stand her up then=/ :ueenie challenged. +4hy did you suddenly stop talking to her= And why did you do e'actly what I said you&d do=/ +9ecause I was confused. I&m still confused. And I needed some space to think about my confusion./ ;endal caught a glimpse of the moon over :ueenie&s right shoulder. It distracted her for a moment. +0onfused about what=/ +(eelings. School. (riends. #verything. All of it./ She laughed in spite of herself. +This is so new to me. I can&t even begin to e'plain or justify it. I don&t even know what I&m saying. 9ut what I do know is that I enjoy spending time with %%. And I don&t want to stop hanging out with her, no matter what people think or what people say or . . . ./ +Aren&t you saying this to the wrong person=/ +I tried talking to %% after your basketball game the other day. She wouldn&t even let me e'plain. I knew she was mad at me, but I guess I didn&t reali3e how much I hurt her./ +So, let me guess. >ou want me to talk to her for you=/ +6ot e'actly./ ;endal hugged herself to keep warm. +I&m perfectly capable of saying all of this to her myself. And there&s more to be said. I just need for her to give me a chance to say it. I need her to give me a moment to e'plain what happened./ +She&s back at the dorm right now,/ :ueenie said and pointed behind her. +4hy don&t you just go talk to her=/ +I&m not going to go beg at her door,/ ;endal declared. +9esides, I already tried talking to her, and that didn&t go so well. This time, I thought I&d try a different approach. If she&s really interested in what I have to say, then she&ll come meet me./ +,eet you where=/ +At my special spot. Tell her to meet me there in an hour. She&ll know where I&m talking about./ +And what do I get in return for doing this=/ :ueenie asked. +>ou get a chance to help make this right,/ ;endal e'plained. 2er breath formed a cloud as she spoke, as if her words were left suspended in air. :ueenie stood firm as she watched ;endal walk away, admiring her long and slender legs as they carried her forward. Then she reached into her back pocket without looking away, pushed a few numbers and raised the phone to her ear. +%%. It&s me. 6o, I&m not downtown yet. I haven&t even made it off campus. Something came up. I&m not going anywhere yet. I&ll tell my ride to wait longer. ,eet me in the school lounge. It&s important. >es, I&m serious. -kay. See you in when you get here./ 4hen :ueenie hung up her phone, she could still see ;endal striding along the sidewalk, and continued to watch her from afar, until her silhouette faded into the night.

%%%
+So what happened with ;endal=/ %ason asked ;yan as they left the athletic center. +$id you get her friend to talk to her for you=/ The soccer season was over, but ;yan and %ason continued to work out every night as hard as they did at the beginning of the season.

+6o,/ ;yan answered. +She said she hardly even knows ;endal and that she&s just one of her tutors./ +4hat are you going to do now= Are you still going to ask her to the winter formal=/ ;yan rolled his heavy shoulders back. 2is entire body ached from the back of his neck all the way to the soles on his feet. 4inter formal was only a few weeks away. 2is days to find a suitable replacement were numbered. +I&m thinking about asking somebody else,/ he said 1uietly. +4hat./ %ason stopped walking. +,an, all you&ve been talking about since school started was that you needed to find the perfect girl. Then it was all ;endal ,c0arthy this and ;endal ,c0arthy that. Since when do you give up on getting the girl=/ +I&m not giving up, okay. I&m just,/ ;yan waved his hand into the air,/ e'ploring my options./ +I don&t get it. $id you even ask her out=/ +The invite-only party. 8emember= She stood me up./ %ason bit down on his laughter, +-h*right. I forgot about that./ +Are you making fun of me=/ +,an, rela'. ,aybe you just need a different approach./ +I tried a different approach. The whole sensitive guy routine,/ ;yan said, while making 1uotes with his fingers. +It bombed. The girl just isn&t interested in me for some reason. And I can&t figure out why./ +,aybe she&s just not into guys./ +I doubt that./ +6o, seriously. 0hristine said something about her spending a lot of time with that %% girl from the basketball team. >ou know, the one that you talked to. She said ;endal hasn&t been acting like herself since they started hanging out./ +So=/ +So, maybe she&s tutoring ;endal in more subjects than one,/ %ason snickered. +5et it=/ +$ude,/ ;yan rolled his eyes, +Shut up./ 2e began to pick at a loose thread hanging off the back pocket of his jeans. +4hat= >ou can never tell these days./ ;yan fi'ed his eyes on him, +$oes 0hristine know that for sure= I mean, does she know if ;endal really is*one=/ +-ne what= A lesbian=/ %ason kicked a rock off the cement path they were standing on. It disappeared onto an adjacent patch of grass. +I don&t know. $oes it matter=/ ;yan chewed on the inside of his cheek. +It does now,/ he said. %ason&s eyes drifted from the library to the school lounge, and then to a figure approaching the soccer field. +2ey, isn&t that*/ ;yan looked up. +I think it is,/ he said as he s1uinted into the darkness. They watched together as the figure took a sharp left off the cement path that led to the soccer field and cut over to the bleachers. +4here is she going=/ %ason wondered out loud. +I don&t know,/ ;yan said. A devilish smile broke out on his face. +9ut I&m going to follow her./ 2e handed his gym bag to %ason. +Take this for me./ +4hat are you going to do=/

;yan rubbed his hands together in anticipation. +I&m not sure. 9ut I&m going to find out what&s going on once and for all.

CHAPTER "
%% had just finished entering a new poem in her poetry journal when :ueenie had called. She reread the words 1uickly. )et4s not /eat around the /ush, so to spea6. '4m wea6. Heart open, mind /lea6. Thoughts reel. &o real. 't4s impossi/le to hide how ' feel. ' wear my heart on my sleeve $n my face. '4ve never tried to deceive $r pull an a/out face. +on4t thin6 ' ever could "ver would. *ant to &ometimes ' do. &ometimes it helps, to relieve in itself The pain. *hen ' see the sun ' hope for rain. ' may /e stuc6 at the moment . . . But it4s 5ust a moment. A wee6 from now '4ll laugh At my dramatic, erratic, static feelings. And '4ll thin6 why *hy all the fears and misconceptions ' guess that happens when ' lose direction $r fall off my path. &omewhere, deep inside ' 6now '4ll find 0ourage, strength, and peace of mind (ut my faith 'n time. And move on. The poem in its entirety was an affirmation of sorts, one that would allow her to finally move on from her thoughts of ;endal. The $ibble Syndrome had hit, only this time she hadn&t let it take over. Sure, she&d moped around for a week or two *but that was it. The first time she

was struck by the $ibble Syndrome, :ueenie had to help pull her out of the bowels of depression. This time, %% had been able to do it all by herself. "erspective*this time she had put everything into perspective ;endal, stage fright, even basketball. All the things that had sent her thoughts reeling over the past month inspired her to write the poem that had just oo3ed out of her like sweat from her pores and landed on the page. It made sense, every word, every rhythmic phrase. It was therapy, only without the e'pensive fee charged by an in1uisitive stranger sitting across from her and wearing wire-rimmed glasses. :ueenie had spoken to %% about perspective before their first basketball game, and though :ueenie could take a few things in her life a bit more seriously herself, she&d been right about %% taking life far too seriously. %% knew that now. And now she could accept that part of herself and move forward. %% wrote the word perspective at the top of the poem, closed the journal, and tucked it neatly under her pillow. Then she threw on some sweatpants and her favorite sweatshirt. As she reached for her baseball cap, so worn that the thread on the brim was coming undone, she began to wonder why :ueenie had asked her to come to the school lounge in the first place. %% was even more curious when she spotted :ueenie sitting on a cushioned chair in the corner of the school lounge that normally was reserved for reading or studying. A meeting of some sort was taking place, and :ueenie looked to be completely absorbed in the topic at hand. %% slipped 1uietly over to the corner of the room, knocked :ueenie&s feet off the small table that sat beside the chair and sat down on top of it. +4hat are you doing=/ she whispered. +7istening,/ :ueenie whispered back. +4hat did you want me to meet you here for=/ +Shhhhhh./ They watched together as a tiny, unassuming, dark-skinned girl, with glasses too big for her face, took the podium. She spoke about tolerance, or lack thereof, at Sampson and how it was the responsibility of the 0ultural Awareness Society to help spread understanding and acceptance of all cultures around campus through activities and school-wide functions. +And you&re listening to this because*/ +The girl has a point,/ :ueenie responded without turning her attention away from the podium. +The lack of tolerance at this school is downright insulting./ +>ou do reali3e they are talking about culture and not se'ual orientation, right=/ +4hat&s the difference= It&s all about acceptance. I&m thinking of making a hefty donation to their cause, care of the ,c9ride&s. 4hat do you think=/ +:ueenie,/ %% said evenly. +>eah=/ +4hy am I here=/ +-h, right. I forgot./ :ueenie sat up straight. +>ou&ll never guess who I just spoke to./ %% looked around the room. +A member of the 0ultural Awareness Society, perhaps=/ +6ice try. 0are for another guess=/ +I have no idea./ +>ou give up too easily./ +:ueenie./ +6one other than T2# ;endal ,c0arthy./ +4hat=/ %% stiffened.

+That&s right. I&m talking on my i"hone outside, waiting for my ride downtown when she suddenly comes out of nowhere, taps me on the shoulder, and says she needs to talk to me./ +4hat did she say=/ :ueenie paused. She pretended to scour the school lounge to make sure no one else was listening in on their conversation. 4hen she was satisfied that no other ears were in sight, she took a deep breath. +4hat&s with the theatrics=/ %% asked. +This is a big deal for me,/ :ueenie admitted. +4hat is=/ +4hat I&m about to say. It doesn&t happen too often./ :ueenie closed her eyes. 4hen she reopened them, she took another deep breath. +-kay. I&ve got two,/ she raised three fingers forcefully in the air. +6o, three. I&ve got three words for you./ +4hich are*=/ +I. 4as. 4rong./ +>ou were wrong about what=/ +About ;endal./ %% stood up. +As much as I appreciate your confession and the fact that you were even able to get those three little words out of your mouth, I still don&t understand./ :ueenie opened her mouth to respond and %% covered it immediately with her own hand. +And before you go on rambling like you sometimes tend to do in these situations, I&d like to make it known here and now that I am officially over T2# ;endal ,c0arthy once and for all. So if you plan on trying to convince me that you were wrong about her for whatever reason, in hopes that I might go speak to her, save your breath. I don&t know what she promised you in e'change for your services, and I don&t want to know. Are we clear=/ :ueenie nodded slowly. +4onderful,/ said %%. She removed her hand from :ueenie&s mouth. +6ow, if you&ll e'cuse me, I&m heading back to the dorm. #njoy the rest of your, uh*cultural awareness meeting or whatever./ +She likes you,/ :ueenie said before %% could even take a single step. +And she wants to tell you herself./ %% sat down again. +Are you through acting all high and mighty=/ :ueenie asked. +$o I have your attention now=/ %% didn&t answer. She could only nod. +5ood,/ :ueenie continued. +9efore you go off on another pride-fueled @I&m over her& rant, you should know that ,iss ,c0arthy didn&t offer me anything in return for talking to you. I asked, of course, but the charming cheerleading darling somehow managed to convince me to do this out of pure goodwill. The nerve of some people./ :ueenie sat back and swung a leg over the arm of the chair. +4hat I was about to tell you before you so rudely shoved your grubby little hand over my mouth was that all ;endal wants is an opportunity to e'plain to you what happened. (or some reason, one that I can&t 1uite put my finger on, she likes spending time with you. I got the impression that she even missed you. And she was devastated when you walked out of the gym the other night without letting her e'plain her side of the story./ %% cleared her throat.

+9asically,/ :ueenie continued, +what I am trying to say is that she likes you. And I&m not talking about the @I want to be gal pals& kind of like either. I&m talking @like like.& The @I think about you way too often and it scares me& kind of like. And if you get off your high horse and remove the @but I&ve still got my pride& plugs that you&ve stuck into your ears for just one second, you might hear her say it for yourself. She&s waiting for you at her @special spot.&/ +She likes me=/ %% asked in wonder. +$id she actually say that=/ +She didn&t have to,/ :ueenie said as she leaned over and snatched the baseball cap off %%&s head and placed it backwards on her own head. +It was obvious. I mean, come on. This is me you&re talking to. :ueenie ,c9ride. I can tell when a girl wants to be more than just friends./ +I can&t believe this./ %% yelled. A few members of the 0ultural Awareness Society cast their eyes at her. +%ust when I&m over the girl, you turn around and tell me this./ +(unny*this wasn&t the reaction I pictured you having./ +6o=/ +I was e'pecting a triumphant roar of some kind./ :ueenie fiddled with the baseball cap. +,an, you&ve got a small head./ +I can&t believe this./ %% yelled again. A chorus of +Shhhhh&s/ fired at her from all directions. She grabbed her baseball cap back, and slammed it down on her head. +%%,/ :ueenie whispered. +I was wrong about her. >ou were right. She&s not like I thought she was. I think she really cares about you. >ou have to believe me. I don&t admit to being wrong for just anybody./ +I know,/ %% whispered in return. +I just*maybe I should just leave well enough alone./ +That&s up to you, my friend. I did my part./ +And I appreciate that. I know how hard it is for you to do things out of the simple kindness of your heart./ +4hat can I say=/ :ueenie stood up and stretched her long body. +>ou must be rubbing off on me./ She watched as the 0ultural Awareness Society began to wrap up their meeting. +I think I&m going to make that donation after all. Then I&m heading downtown./ She pointed at %%. +0all me if you need to. I&ll ditch everyone in a heartbeat to come and pick you up./ +Thanks,/ said %%, standing up to give :ueenie a semi-hug. :ueenie gave her an encouraging nod before she disappeared out the door. There were three sets of doors to the school lounge. -ne set led up the school campus to the dormitories. Another led down the school campus to the library and dining hall. And the one in the middle led to the path by the fountain, en route to the athletic center and the soccer field. In front of the soccer field were the bleachers and the scorers& bo'. And under the scorers& bo' was the special spot where ;endal supposedly was waiting. All %% had to do was walk through a set of doors. 4alking through them would be the easy part. The hard part was to choose which doors.

CHAPTER "!
;endal sat on the blanket she and %% had shared the last time they had been under the scorers& bo' together. 2er entire body shivered from the cold or maybe it was the anticipation, she couldn&t tell.

The flashlight lay on the ground beside her, casting a dim beam over the blanket. If :ueenie had come through for her, %% would be there beside her any moment now and she could finally e'plain her side of the story. The shuffling of sneakers against the grass caused her to stand up. +4ell, well, well,/ ;yan said smugly as he emerged from the darkness. +4hat do we have here=/ ;endal&s sweet smile soured instantly. +4hat are you doing here=/ +I could ask you the same thing,/ ;yan returned, clasping his hands together and blowing hot air between them. +It&s cold out here./ 2e approached the blanket. +That seat is reserved for someone else,/ ;endal told him at once. She crossed her arms in frustration. +2ow did you even find me=/ +I followed you,/ ;yan said as he sat down on the blanket despite ;endal&s protest. +6ice little set up you got here. "erfect for a secret rende3vous, eh=/ +That&s none of your business,/ said ;endal as she scanned the darkness, worried that %% would arrive at any second. +"lease, just go./ +4hy= 4ho is this person you are so eagerly waiting for=/ +4hy do you care=/ +I care because you stood me up not so long ago and I&m curious to know why. 4e have so much in common. 4e&d make a great couple./ 2e winked at her. +Think about it. 4e could take this school by storm./ +7ook,/ ;endal spat. +I apologi3e for standing you up. 9ut I specifically said I was meeting you as a friend that night and nothing more./ +Some friends come with benefits./ ;endal pointed a hard finger at him, +>ou just can&t take no for an answer. $on&t you get it= I don&t like you. I&ve never even entertained the thought. The only reason I even agreed to go to that stupid party in the first place was because 0hristine begged me to go. And in the end, I found a much better way to spend my night./ +4ith some other guy, right=/ +It was a girl, if you must know. A friend./ +A friend=/ ;yan forced a laugh. +4ould this so-called friend be the tutor you&ve been spending so much time with lately=/ +2ave you hired a private investigator or has 0hristine been filling your ears with gossip again=/ ;endal looked at him with distaste. +#ither way, you&re pathetic./ +"athetic=/ ;yan snorted and pointed a la3y finger at himself. +>ou think I&m pathetic=/ ;endal laughed sweetly at him. +I&ve got a little news bulletin for you since you&re so interested in gossip./ She hovered over him as if she were about to share a secret. +The entire student body at Sampson thinks you&re pathetic. >ou are the biggest self-centered, egotistical moron I&ve ever met. It&s been said, pretty much by every girl you have ever dated at this school, that you spend most dates complimenting yourself with every other sentence you utter. 2ave you ever noticed why the girls you hook up with suddenly stop talking to you= -r did you actually think that you were the one playing them=/ +I*/ +-h*you did, didn&t you= 2ow sad./ ;yan stared down at the blanket. 2is charisma had melted away, and his confidence had been deflated like a popped balloon. +I just came here to ask you why you don&t like me,/ he confessed. +>ou didn&t have to be so mean about it./

+4ell, now you know,/ said ;endal. ;yan stood up, his mind in a da3e as he stepped aimlessly around the blanket. +I thought I was just doing what was e'pected of me,/ he e'plained. +I&m the captain of the soccer team, so I&m supposed to get all the girls. I take care of myself physically, I get good grades, I&m one of the most popular guys in the whole school, and I&m going to college ne't fall to prepare for law school. I&ve done everything right./ +6ot everything./ 2e looked at her, desperation in his eyes. +Then tell me, what am I doing wrong=/ ;endal&s own eyes softened. She suddenly felt sorry for him. +>ou aren&t doing anything wrong. It&s not about what you do. It&s about who you are. And apparently you aren&t being yourself. >ou act so conceited, it turns people off./ +I can be a nice guy,/ ;yan maintained. +Then why do you act like such a jerk most of the time=/ +I guess I always thought that&s how I was supposed to act./ +4ho says= If people knew the real you, the insecure and sincere person you are behind closed doors, they might respect you more./ +4ho said I&m insecure=/ ;yan said 1uickly. ;endal stared at him firmly. +4hat= 5uys aren&t supposed to be insecure,/ he told her. +4here did you get all of these ridiculous rules from= Is there some book out there that states what guys should or shouldn&t be=/ +,y father&s in the military,/ he said. +They&re his rules, not mine./ +,aybe it&s time to make a new set of rules then./ ;endal approached him, setting her hands on his shoulders. +That&s the real point of going off to college, isn&t it= It&s about finding out who you really are, no matter what other people think. $o you really want to be the same person in college as you are now= >ou&re going to meet a whole new set of people and friends. >ou might as well let them see the real you./ ;yan didn&t answer. +I know that I&m not going to pretend to be something I&m not, anymore,/ ;endal continued. +It isn&t worth it. 2igh school is such a small part of our entire lives. -nce we graduate, it doesn&t matter anymore anyway. 4ho&s going to brag ten years from now that they were on the soccer team or the cheerleading s1uad at Sampson Academy= I&m not. That&s why I don&t care who says what about me anymore, or who disapproves of what I do or even who I like./ +So it&s true, then. >ou really are a lesbian=/ ;yan asked. ;endal laughed and dropped her hands to her side. +I don&t know what I am,/ she said. +9ut does it really matter=/ +6o, I guess not./ +7ook, I&m in no position to tell you what to do. 9ut if you&re so concerned with what people think about you, how can you ever really be yourself= Aren&t you always going to be afraid of what everyone else is thinking=/ +>eah. 2ow did you know=/ +9ecause I was doing the e'act same thing before I met*/ ;endal paused because she thought she heard footsteps. She peered into the shadows, but there was no one there. +9efore you met who=/

+It doesn&t matter,/ she said. +I&m just saying I know how you feel. 7ook, I&m really sorry but I&m kind of waiting for someone, and it&s important to me, so if you don&t mind*/ +It&s okay, really./ As ;yan leaned forward to hug her, ;endal backed away and gave him her hand to shake instead. 2e stared at it blankly, and then took it in his hand. +4ould you do me one favor=/ he whispered. +0an you not tell anybody about this= I don&t want to ruin my reputation or anything./

CHAPTER ""
0hristine watched helplessly as ;endal packed her books into several pink plastic crates. 2er clothes were spread across her bed, ready to be carried away to some other closet. +Are you sure you don&t need any help=/ This was the fifth time 0hristine had asked since ;endal had started packing. +6ope,/ ;endal replied. +9ecause I can help you carry your clothes up to ,ya&s room if you want. I&m not doing anything, and*/ +I can do it by myself./ ;endal lifted one crate of books on top of the other, calculating in her head how many trips it would take to cart her stuff up to ,ya&s room on the fourth floor of the dorm. She had decided to move in with ,ya the week before, hoping that after winter break she could start the spring semester off fresh and new. 6ew semester. 6ew classes. 6ew living space. 6ew ;endal ,c0arthy. +Aren&t you ever going to forgive me=/ 0hristine whined. +I&ve already been scolded by ,ya and she&s making me help her organi3e some gay and straight alliance group or something at school. Is that enough=/ +"ersonally, I think you got off easy,/ ;endal said as she turned and faced 0hristine head on. +If it were me, I would have kicked you off of the s1uad altogether./ +;endal, I said I was sorry a billion times./ 0hristine slid down on her bed as if she were too weak to stand. +I did what I did because I just wanted my best friend back./ +>ou lied to my face and you made me think I was getting kicked off the s1uad just so I&d stop hanging out with someone you disapproved of. 4hat kind of best friend does that=/ +0an&t you understand=/ 0hristine pleaded. +6o, I can&t understand,/ ;endal said. She turned her back and resumed packing. After reali3ing she was getting nowhere, 0hristine hopped off the bed in a huff. +>ou&ve changed, you know that=/ +I have changed,/ ;endal agreed. +The problem is that you&ve stayed the same./ +4hat&s that supposed to mean=/ ;endal picked up a stack of crates and held them evenly against her chest. +5o look in the mirror,/ she advised. +Then you&ll see what I mean./ She pushed past 0hristine. Steadying the crates in her arms, she made her way up the two flights of stairs and down the hall to ,ya&s room. It would have been easy for her to blame 0hristine for ruining her chances with %% as well, but ;endal knew she&d done that all by herself. It was painfully obvious that %% wanted nothing more to do with her since she never showed up under the scorers& bo' that night.

;endal had waited in the cold, sitting on top of a damp blanket and flicking the flashlight off and on for almost two hours before she&d finally given up hope. And though 0hristine wasn&t directly responsible, she sure was an attractive scapegoat. +2ow much more stuff do you have=/ ,ya asked, as ;endal entered her room. +6ot much,/ ;endal grunted as she set down the crates on the floor. +%ust a few more crates and my clothes./ +7et me help you./ +It&s okay,/ said ;endal. +I can do it. 7etting me move in here is help enough./ +I have plenty of room. It&s not a big deal at all./ +5ood. 9ecause I needed to get as far away from 0hristine as possible./ +2ow is she taking it=/ +"oorly./ +If it&s any consolation, I know she feels bad about it./ +8ight. I can tell how broken up about it she is by the way she whines in her satin sheets./ ,ya helped ;endal unpack some of the books from the crates on the floor. +2onest. She does feel bad about what she did./ +She feels bad because you are making her help form a gay and straight alliance,/ said ;endal. +That&s what she feels bad about./ ,ya lifted a volume of #mily $ickinson&s poetry out of the crate and began to thumb through it. She turned to one particularly dog-eared page with a highlighted poem. The margins of the page were covered with notes and doodles. She noticed that %%&s name was scribbled along the margin more than once. +Is it possible,/ ,ya asked gently, +that your frustration with 0hristine is more about your feelings for %% than anything else=/ +4hat=/ ;endal snatched the book away from ,ya as soon as she saw her looking at it. +6o, it&s not./ +Are you sure=/ +>es./ +"ositive=/ +,aybe,/ ;endal admitted, reluctantly. 4ith her finger she slowly traced the lettering on the cover of the book. +,aybe it has less to do with 0hristine and more with the fact that I know I&m the one who messed things up with %%./ +4hat happened e'actly=/ +I don&t know./ ;endal frowned, as she placed the book on the shelf ne't to the others. +I asked her to meet me so I could e'plain everything. And she never showed up. I guess she wasn&t interested in my e'planation./ +So what now=/ +6ow, nothing./ ;endal stacked the empty crates in the closet. +Time to move on. 6ew semester. 6ew things to come./ +Such as*/ +4ell, for starters I&ve decided to pursue 4omen&s 7iterature as my major in college ne't year. And I&m even thinking about getting my master&s degree./ +8eally= I wouldn&t have pegged you for*/ +A brain= ,e, neither. 9ut, things change./ ,ya sat down on her bed. +I didn&t mean to imply anything by that,/ she said. +I know,/ ;endal replied apologetically. +I&m a little on edge still. I&m sorry./

+It&s okay. I understand./ ,ya opened the brick-red binder that was sitting ne't to her, and began sifting through some papers. +4hat&s that=/ ;endal asked. +,y obsessive-compulsive organi3ation skills kicking in,/ ,ya answered. She picked up the binder and showed it to ;endal. +It&s basically an organi3ational tool for the winter formal./ She flipped over a few pages as she spoke. +(or instance, here&s a list of possible venues, and here&s a list of $eejays and limo rentals. >ou name it*it&s on here. I even have a list of who&s going with whom just to keep on top of everything./ +>ou can mark me down as going solo,/ ;endal said. +8eally= I thought ;yan would have asked you for sure./ ;endal smiled wickedly. +;yan won&t be asking me anytime soon. I can promise you that./ +I wonder who he&s going to ask then. I think I&d faint if he ever asked me./ +>ou like ;yan=/ +2e&s gorgeous./ ,ya cooed like a little school girl. +And have you seen him without his shirt on= I could scrub my clothes clean on that washboard he calls his stomach./ ;endal burst out laughing. +4hat=/ ,ya asked innocently. +>ou don&t think he&s good looking=/ +Sure, if you like that meathead, jockish sort of look./ +-h. I forgot./ +(orgot what./ +>ou&re into girls now,/ ,ya teased. +I&m not into girls now,/ ;endal returned. +I&m into someone who happens to be a girl. And apparently she&s not into me./ +4ell, I happen to think ;yan is cute./ +4hy don&t you ask him to the winter formal then=/ +,e= I couldn&t./ ,ya blushed. +2e&d never say yes./ +4hy not= >ou&re cute, popular and the captain of the cheerleading team. 2e&d be nuts not to say yes./ +>ou think so=/ +I think you&re just the kind of girl ;yan Stevens needs in his life./ ,ya jumped up off the bed, and took ;endal&s hand. +0ome on. I&ll help you get the rest of your stuff up here,/ she said. +Then you can help me think of what to say to ;yan. If I&m going to get up the nerve to ask him, I have to do it soon. -therwise he might ask somebody else./

CHAPTER "#
%% stood in front of The Spot, debating whether or not to go in. 2er stroll, in search of inspiration for writing, had led her nowhere in particular. She still lacked motivation to even pick up a pen. And sitting in the back corner of the coffee shop, listening to successful, imaginative writers spew out poem after poem, certainly lacked appeal. >et she continued to linger, finding it hard to ignore the temptation of a warm beverage and the stimulation of caffeine.

The sun had just settled in for the night, and the chill in the air had now turned from a nibble to a bite. %% shivered and wished she&d worn a jacket over her Sampson 7ady >ellow %ackets sweatshirt. +>ou just going to stand there all night=/ %% spun around to see ;yan Stevens standing directly behind her. 2is hands were shoved deep into the front pockets of his jeans in an effort to keep them warm. +Some of us would actually like to get a cup of coffee,/ said his friend %ason, who was standing beside him. +-h, right./ %% stepped aside to let them pass. They shuffled by her, barely acknowledging her presence. Then for some reason ;yan hesitated awkwardly in the doorway, and then turned abruptly toward %%. +2ey %ason, I&ll catch up with you. Save me a spot in line./ %% could feel the knots in her stomach tighten. 4hat did he want to talk to her about now= +I&m sure ;endal told you what happened,/ he whispered, once he was back outside on the sidewalk. %% stared at him vacantly. +>ou know, under the scorers& bo' the other night=/ %% cringed. +6o,/ she said blandly. +;endal didn&t share that tidbit of information with me, and I&m sure whatever happened between the two of you is a private matter./ +I asked her not to tell anyone about it,/ said ;yan. At that moment, %% recalled the e'citement she felt flowing through her when she&d left the school lounge and headed down campus to the soccer field where :ueenie had said ;endal would be waiting. All of her rationality and levelheaded reasoning had flown out the window. She had gone there, clinging to one last hope that this time the hopeless romantic would win. And then she saw them under the scorers& bo' together. ;endal was holding ;yan&s shoulders gently, as if she were about to ease in for a kiss. %% almost called out to her, but muffled her words before they left her mouth. Instead, she turned and ran. She sprinted across campus as if some masked man were chasing her. 9ut there was no masked man. And when she finally stopped running, she collapsed to the ground in front of her dormitory, completely out of breath and, more significantly, completely heartbroken. +I thought she&d tell you,/ said ;yan, breaking into %%&s flashback. +4ell, she didn&t./ %% rudely shifted her backpack from one shoulder to the other. +And I doubt she will any time soon./ +(ine by me,/ said ;yan. +-ne less thing I need to worry about then./ As he turned and reached for the door, %% gave him a slight nod. +>ou two make a cute couple,/ she said. +I hope you treat her right./ +0ouple=/ ;yan echoed, the door to the coffee shop swaying gingerly in his hands. +I don&t think so. She&s too much to deal with. 9esides, I heard she&s got a thing for chicks./ +0hicks=/ +>eah, other girls. 6amely you./ %%&s backpack dropped to the ground. +4hat are you talking about=/ +I&m talking about ;endal./ ;yan glanced inside the coffee shop. %ason was inching closer to the front of the line, simultaneously mouthing +4hat&s going on=/ ;yan held up a finger, telling him to wait a minute. Then he let go of the door and approached %% slowly. +She really didn&t tell you what happened then=/

+6o. She didn&t./ %% tried to read his e'pression but all she could tell was that he was as confused as she was. +4hat happened that night= $id you guys*you know*hook-up=/ +2a. I wish. I think that if I had made a pass at her she probably would have punched me out./ +9ut I saw you together. ;endal was holding onto your shoulders. >ou two were about to kiss, just like some scene out of a romantic comedy./ +>ou saw us=/ ;yan struggled to recall the incident. Then it hit him. +She was waiting for you./ 2e pointed at %% adamantly. +I knew it. I knew you were the person she&d been e'pecting./ +If she was e'pecting me then why were you there=/ +I saw her sneak under the bleachers, so I followed her,/ ;yan e'plained. +I wanted to know what was going on with her, and she basically put me in my place./ +"ut you in your place=/ +>eah./ ;yan peered cautiously over %%&s shoulder and then behind him before he continued. +She told me to stop acting like such a conceited jerk all the time./ +4ell, that&s good advice./ %% smiled. +4e talked about a few other things, too. 9ut that&s why I asked you if she said anything to you because,/ he glanced around again, +I don&t want anyone knowing I have a soft side./ +So nothing happened between you two=/ +6ope. 7ike I said, she said she was e'pecting someone else. 9ut I&m positive she was waiting for you./ +2ow can you be so sure=/ +9ecause her eyes lit up the moment I mentioned you./ A warm, tingling sensation burst in %%&s stomach. +So, let me get this straight,/ she said. +;endal didn&t want you there. >ou followed her because you wanted to know why she stood you up, and when she saw you she basically told you to get lost=/ +>eah*that&s basically it./ %%&s eyes danced around, bouncing off the sidewalk, the sky and ;yan&s face. +I am such a complete and utter idiot,/ she said suddenly, and smacked herself in the forehead. +4hy=/ +>ou wouldn&t understand./ She grabbed her backpack off the ground. +I&m sorry, but I have to go./ +2ey, wait a minute,/ ;yan called after her as she hurried down the street. +>ou promise you won&t say anything, right= About me, you know, being soft and everything=/ 2e waited for %% to respond but she was already halfway down the street. And it was obvious that she&d no intention of stopping.

CHAPTER "$
;endal sat down on her new bed, even though it was still unmade. She was e'hausted from moving everything she owned up two flights of stairs. 2er arms felt like slabs of jelly, and her lower back ached. She flopped down and closed her eyes. %ust as she was about to fall asleep, the door to her room opened. +,ya*don&t even think about trying to convince me to do anything tonight,/ ;endal mumbled. +I&m e'hausted and I still have to make my bed./

+It&s not ,ya,/ said a familiar voice. ;endal&s eyes shot open. +4hat are you doing here=/ she asked as %% came into her view. +7ooking for you./ +2ow did you know where to look=/ +,ya told me where you were,/ %% e'plained. +She said you were up here getting some beauty rest or something./ She observed ;endal&s new surroundings. +I have to say I like this room much better than your last./ +>ou and me both,/ said ;endal. She was sitting up now, trying to make sense of what was happening. +4hy were you looking for me= I thought you didn&t want to have anything to do with me anymore=/ +I think I made a huge mistake,/ %% said as she inched closer to the bed. +,ay I=/ ;endal nodded and %% sat down beside her. +I was in town earlier, and I ran into ;yan Stevens./ +That is a mistake,/ ;endal snickered. +And, just for the record, I prefer to call him ;yan the couch monster./ +4ell, the couch monster informed me that he followed you the other night when you asked me to meet you under the scorers& bo'./ +That he did./ +And that you basically told him to get lost./ +That I did./ +-nly, it looked much different through my eyes./ +4hat do you mean, through your eyes=/ %% sighed as if she were about to confess to committing a horrible crime. +I mean that I did show up that night, only I showed up right when you were giving ;yan a lecture. And, through my eyes, it looked as though you were about to give him a kiss./ +4hat=/ ;endal flinched, and made a face. +I wouldn&t kiss him even if he were the last man on earth. )nlike ,ya, I&m not captivated by his washboard abs./ +,ya likes ;yan=/ +That&s beside the point./ ;endal smacked %% lightly on the shoulder. +I can&t believe you thought that I would do that./ +I didn&t know what to think,/ %% insisted. +I just saw what I saw and ran./ +>ou could have said something,/ ;endal told her. +I know*but I was angry and hurt and*I don&t know./ +$idn&t :ueenie tell you that I*/ +She did. I guess I didn&t really believe it./ ;endal slid her hand on top of %%&s and s1uee3ed it gently. +All I wanted was a chance to e'plain myself./ +2ow about now=/ %%&s eyes were focused on their linked hands. +>ou can e'plain everything to me now./ +That depends,/ ;endal said dryly. She stood up and began to pace around the room. +$epends on what=/ +-n whether or not you&re ready to listen./ +-h, I&m ready./ %% hurried up from the bed and spread her arms wide. +4hatever you have to say, I&ll listen. 4e can talk here or we can talk at the school lounge. It doesn&t matter to me. I&ll just close my mouth and lock away the key and listen 1uietly./ +I was thinking we could go to the library,/ said ;endal. +,aybe do a little studying./

+Studying=/ +>eah. It&s been a couple of weeks since I brushed up on #mily $ickinson./ She picked up her volume of poetry and held it in the air. +There&s this one poem I can&t get out of my head. ,aybe you can help me make sense of it=/ +I can do my best./ +0ome on,/ ;endal said. She took %% by the arm and dragged her from the room.

%%%
Three notable moments throughout %%&s time at Sampson Academy stood out in her mind. #ach was notable for a different reason, each forever confined to a special spot in the corner of her memory for safekeeping until she decided to revisit it. The first was the day she met :ueenie. They had both arrived a week early, before classes began, to get acclimated with the campus during orientation. In a desperate attempt to delay the final moment in which he would be forced to let her go, %%&s father helped her unpack every last thing she&d brought with her, right down to her socks. 4hile they were busy getting her room set up, in walked :ueenie ,c9ride with her parents in tow. She mouthed off to her mother and ordered her father around like he was a butler. %%&s father had raised an eyebrow or two in her direction, silently e'pressing his distaste for :ueenie&s attitude. 2e had even offered to talk to the $ean of Students, and re1uest a roommate change. 9ut %% resisted. There was something about :ueenie that caused %% to look past her salty e'terior. "erhaps it was the air of confidence she e'uded. -r maybe it was the charismatic grin she displayed as she flopped on %%&s freshly made bed, tossed %%&s basketball high up in the air and said simply, +>ou must be the incredibly talented %osephine %enkins I&ve heard so much about./ +That&s right,/ %% had said. +Thought so,/ said :ueenie. She then tossed the ball to %% and added, +I&m :ueenie ,c9ride, the one and only. 4e&re going to take this school by storm, you know that=/ At that moment, all of %%&s fears and worries melted away. She&d been e'periencing severe bouts of an'iety in the weeks leading up to her first day at Sampson, and nothing her parents said or did could ease her mind. Somehow, :ueenie had been able to do just that with one simple sentence. 9ut it wasn&t just what she saidN it was how she said it. She e'uded such an air of confidence that %% had no choice but to believe her. They were going to take the campus by storm, and nothing could stop them. The two became inseparable after that, with %% soon finding that :ueenie&s spoiled-brat routine was nothing more than a carefully crafted act, performed only when her parents were around. :ueenie also had been instrumental in helping %% come out of the closet. +I knew you belonged to the dark side the first day I met you,/ she eventually told %%. It took %% a second or two to reali3e :ueenie wasn&t referring to Star 4ars. As uncomfortable as the assumption made her, %% didn&t dare deny it, and instead embraced her se'uality for the very first time in her life. The day she&d met :ueenie, her life was forever changed. And that was a moment worth remembering. The second notable moment happened during %%&s junior year, when the 7ady >ellow %ackets went undefeated, making it to the state championships. The championship game went

into double overtime, and ended in dramatic fashion when %%, who had broken free from the defense under the basket, made a game-winning turn-around jumper just as time e'pired. Time paused as the rest of their team flooded the court, chasing her down, and tackling her to the floor. %% was absolutely thrilled to be right in the middle of the fray and at the bottom of the pile, since she&d made the winning basket. It was a high unlike anything she had ever e'perienced before, such e'hilaration that she wondered if she would ever feel it again. %ust reminiscing about the moment made her hair stand on end with e'citement. The third notable moment hadn&t 1uite happened yet. 9ut %% had a feeling it was about to unfold right before her eyes. -nce ;endal looped her arm through %%&s and walked in step with her across the school grounds, %% knew something incredible was about to happen. And she wanted to make sure she logged every second of it into her memory. %ust as she could recall the smell of the scuffed hardwood as she lay beneath the pile of players after they had won the championship game, she knew the smell of ;endal&s almond hand lotion would forever be linked with whatever was about to happen ne't.

CHAPTER "&
%% opened the library door. A couple of players on the boys& basketball team were leaving the library at the e'act same time, and as they stepped aside they studied ;endal oddly when she took hold of %%&s hand. +Are you trying to cause a scene=/ %% asked, once they were inside. +I&m just having a little fun,/ ;endal replied. +9esides, staring is rude./ +$oesn&t bother me much,/ said %%. +I&m obviously used to it by now./ +I don&t see what the big deal is, you know= Two girls holding hands, and all./ +-h, so you&re telling me you&re completely fine with it now=/ ;endal rounded a corner, and began to walk up a flight of stairs backwards, facing %% who lagged behind her. +I&m learning as I go along,/ she said, with a playful smile. +As you go along with what=/ +As I go along with us./ ;endal skipped up the last few steps and disappeared from view. 4hen %% reached the landing, her heart sped up e'citedly. She scanned the second floor 1uickly, trying to see through rows and rows of bookshelves as if she had O-ray vision. As she made her way toward the biographies section, she saw ;endal waiting patiently in front of one of the study rooms with a single key dangling off the end of her pinky. +>ou don&t want to sit at a table=/ %% asked, eyeing the key. +This kind of studying needs to be done in private,/ ;endal replied. %% gulped, and desperately tried to calm her nerves. She watched with anticipation as ;endal unlocked the door to the study room and pushed it open. The room was no bigger than a closet, seating three or four people at the most. A single oak table with attached benches stood in the center. The walls were soundproof, and there was no window e'cept for the one on the door. 9ecause of the type of seclusion they provided, study rooms had to be signed up for and reserved in advanced. $uring e'ams, they were e'tremely hard to come by. Student library assistants were often bribed in e'change for direct access to study rooms. And since e'ams were right around the corner, %% had to ask.

+4here did you get that=/ +4hat=/ ;endal played with the key. +This=/ She held it up. +>es, that./ +I have my ways./ +-h, really=/ ;endal shook her head and laughed. +8ela',/ she said. +-ne of the library assistants is on the cheerleading s1uad. All I had to do was ask her for a room and she saved me a key./ +0heerleading connections. I should have known./ ;endal closed the door and sat down at the table with the #mily $ickinson book spread out in front of her. %% remained standing, not sure whether she should sit down ne't to ;endal or across from her. She decided to test the waters first. +4hat did you mean back on the steps, when you said you&re learning as you go along=/ +This whole thing is new to me,/ said ;endal. +It&s a learning process./ +4hat whole thing e'actly=/ %% pressed. ;endal shot her a look, +I thought you said you were ready to listen./ +I am./ +4ell, I don&t see you listening. All I see you doing is talking./ +I&m just trying to understand what&s going on here, that&s all./ +Sit down, %%,/ ;endal ordered. She patted the open seat ne't to her, and then turned her attention to the book on the table. She pointed at the cover, +I used to hate her, you know=/ +4ho=/ %% asked as she slid onto the bench. +#mily $ickinson=/ +>es,/ ;endal sighed. +She used to torment me at night. I&d see her sitting there on my desk in the morning, waiting for me to lug her to class. It was like she was this reminder of everything I wanted to ignore./ She looked up at %%. +#verything that was right in front of me./ %% could feel the sweat forming on her palms. 4hen ;endal looked at her that way, it knocked the breath straight out of her. +I know I&m supposed to be listening,/ she managed. +9ut, can I ask you just one 1uestion=/ +I suppose./ +$id you have*at anytime were you interested*/ %%&s voice trailed off, her nerves getting the better of her. +Interested in you=/ ;endal finished. %% nodded, unable to speak. +The interest never went away,/ ;endal confessed. +The only difference is that I&m not afraid of it anymore./ +So what happened the night you stood me up=/ ;endal reached over and tapped %% gently on the ear. +8emember how you&re supposed to be listening=/ +-h*right,/ said %% as she sat back 1uietly. ;endal returned her attention to the book in front of her. As she flipped intently through the pages of #mily $ickinson&s poetry, she knew e'actly what poem and page she was looking for. "age DEP. 2ow could she forget it= The poem rang through her ears whenever %% was around. It had been there from the beginning and it was there that day under the weeping willow, when she&d been trying to make sense of everything that was happening around her. +I was so confused,/ ;endal began. +>ou were so une'pected and at the same time you were everything I had been looking for. -nly, you&re a girl and that complicated things. I didn&t

understand how another girl could be making me feel something I had never felt before. 9ut it wasn&t just the feelings. It was the way I started 1uestioning everything else around me. It was the way I started looking at my friends differently. #verything that had made perfect sense to me before, suddenly made no sense at all. And I didn&t know how to deal with the feelings./ ;endal sighed again as she ran her fingers over the words of the poem in front of her. +I didn&t reali3e what was happening until 0hristine lied to me about how everyone at school was talking about me, and assuming things because I was hanging out with you. She said that everyone on the s1uad complained about how different I&d become and that if I wanted to remain on the s1uad and not ruin my reputation I had to stop hanging out with you. That&s why I stood you up. That&s why I avoided you. I didn&t want to stop seeing you but at the same time I didn&t want to lose my friends and everything I had built at Sampson over the past few years. It wasn&t until I read this poem again that I knew that my heart had already made up its mind. And that I didn&t want to stop seeing you, no matter what anyone else thought./ %% scanned the poem and smiled as she read the familiar $ickinson poem silently. 4I7$ nights. 4ild nights. +I finally get it,/ said ;endal softly. +I finally get the meaning behind it. The feelings I have whenever I&m around you are my own @wild nights.& I don&t care what anyone thinks anymore, not my friends, not the s1uad, and especially not 0hristine. All I know is that I want to be around you. I don&t need a compass and I don&t need a chart, because my heart knows e'actly what it wants. And that&s you./ %% opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. +>ou don&t have to say anything,/ said ;endal. +I just wanted you to know how I really felt about you, and how you helped me change my perspective./ She pointed to the page, +And why this poem means so much more to me than $ickinson could have ever imagined./ +I think you&re giving me way too much credit,/ said %%, still unable to look ;endal in the eyes. +I knew you were going to say that,/ said ;endal. +>ou are way too humble, you know that=/ +It&s not the first time I&ve heard that./ +>ou once said that the trouble with #mily $ickinson is that she writes so ambiguously, and that her words aren&t supposed to be taken so literally. 9ut that isn&t the case. The trouble with #mily $ickinson is that she knew e'actly what I was thinking and feeling, even when I didn&t know myself./ ;endal reached over and lifted %%&s face to hers so that they were eye to eye. +The trouble with #mily $ickinson is that she turned my world upside down the day she brought me to you./ She didn&t wait for %% to respond this time. Instead, she sei3ed the moment, leaned in and kissed %% directly on the lips. It took %% less than a second to reali3e that she wasn&t dreaming and she welcomed ;endal&s soft lips with each kiss that followed, each one growing more intense than the last and tasting ever as sweet.

%%%
7ater, when %% was lying in bed that night, still wired from the nervous electricity flowing through her entire body after kissing T2# ;endal ,c0arthy, she silently thanked 5od for #mily $ickinson at least a hundred times before she finally fell asleep.

CHAPTER "'
%% was resting on her stomach, sprawled out on her unmade bed with books, scattered papers, and worn folders spread out in front of her. She had taken three of her four e'ams so far and felt confident that she&d done well on all of them. The last and most daunting of them all was scheduled for later on in the evening, and it was hardly an e'am. If %% could study for it, she would. 9ut how can you study for a poetry reading= The worst thing anyone could do is panic, which she already was an e'pert at. The night %% had been dreading for almost the entire semester was upon her. The poem that ,rs. 0lark had selected for her to read aloud was sitting to her left on a stark-white sheet of paper. %% had scribbled notes in between the lines of the poem to indicate where she should pause or add a slight inflection to her voice. She had gone over it again and again, so much so that the words were now imprinted on the inside of her forehead. 4hen she closed her eyes, she could read them as they floated by. +0aramel latte with an e'tra shot of confidence,/ said :ueenie as she slammed the door shut behind her with the heel of her sneaker. +%ust what the doctor ordered./ +Thanks./ %% reached for the cup in sheer desperation, as if :ueenie somehow had just unearthed an eli'ir to cure stage fright. +I need it./ +It&s my pleasure,/ :ueenie said, sipping from her own Styrofoam cup. +I swear*if I have to answer one more 1uestion on supply and demand, I&m going to lose it./ +I don&t think you&ll be running into any economic 1uestions at the poetry reading./ +Thank 5od for that./ %% marveled at :ueenie, whose desk remained devoid of second-hand notes and worn te'tbooks. +2ow do you do that=/ she asked. +$o what=/ +"ass all of your e'ams without ever taking a single note or cracking open a te'tbook=/ +I don&t know,/ :ueenie said honestly. +I just can./ She hopped up on %%&s bed, scattering notes and papers everywhere. +It&s sort of like the way you can just write. And the way some musicians can just play an instrument by ear. 4e&re naturally gifted. 4hat else can I say=/ +4hat&s your gift= A photographic memory=/ +I prefer to consider myself a genius at large./ +>ou would./ +So where is T2# ;endal ,c0arthy=/ :ueenie asked as her eyes searched around the room. +I thought you two were hunkered down in the library studying=/ +4e were earlier this morning./ %% eyed the clock beside her bed. +She&s probably finishing up her 4omen&s 7iterature e'am as we speak./ +>ou know, I hate to admit it, but she&s pretty cool./ +I&ll spare you the @I told you so& then./ :ueenie held up her hands to protest. +6o, no. I won&t take your charity. I deserve any @I told you so& you can throw at me. I was wrong about her./ She paused momentarily. +I feel like I&ve been wrong about a lot of things lately./ +4ait a second. $id your conscience suddenly grow back again=/

+I&m serious,/ :ueenie insisted. She jumped up and tossed her cup into the garbage can with a single hook shot. +I never reali3ed how cynical I could be./ +Sure, you can be cynical sometimes, but we all can./ +I know*it&s just that I started thinking that maybe I&m part of the problem. I never give anyone a chance at a relationship because I&m already convinced that it won&t work out anyway. I&ve spent a great deal of my adolescent life e'pecting the worst when I could be missing out on the best./ +7ooks like you&re finally putting that genius of a mind to good use./ +If I&ve learned anything from you over the past three years it&s that sometimes your heart is going to get broken and sometimes it isn&t. 9ut if you never take that chance, you&ll never know the difference between the two. I don&t know what it feels like to put your all into someone. To take a risk like that./ %% watched as :ueenie slumped sadly down onto the floor. +Are you okay=/ she asked. +I just*/ :ueenie stopped and looked up at a poster on the wall, then longingly at a collage of photos arranged on the corkboard hanging on the back of their door. +I&m sorry. I&m not sure what&s going on with me, but I think you might be right. I think I&ve gone and grown a conscience after all./ +It happens to the best of us./ +2ey, do you remember when I said I was going to slip in the @I&m a big, scary lesbian& secret during my maid of honor speech at my sister&s wedding=/ +2ow could I forget= It&s the only reason I&m going to the wedding./ +I&ve decided that maybe*just maybe*it isn&t such a dandy idea after all./ +-h=/ %% climbed up off of her bed and sat down on the floor beside :ueenie. +4hat tipped you off e'actly=/ +9esides the fact that it&s an incredibly self-serving, devilishly-motivated, not to mention childish, thing to do=/ +>es, besides all of that./ :ueenie sighed. +4ell, it&s that whole risk thing I was talking about. ,y sister is taking that risk. She&s putting her all into someone, and that&s something that deserves to be celebrated. It&s something special, and who am I to take that away from her=/ %% reached over and put her arm around :ueenie&s shoulders. +It only took you three and a half years of private school to mature into a well-adjusted, morally-sound young woman. I&m so proud./ +,oral=/ :ueenie asked in disbelief. +4ell-adjusted= "lease. 7et&s not go overboard here. I still plan on making a colossal splash into my parent&s pool of normalcy by declaring my homose'uality to the rest of the ,c9ride family soon enough. It&s simply a 1uestion of when./ +5raduation perhaps=/ :ueenie smiled deviously, +"erhaps./

%%%
%% sat nervously in her chair in the back corner of The Spot, shifting her position every other minute, fighting the overwhelming sensation to bolt from the room as soon as the opportunity presented itself. The lighting was dim, thankfully, so nobody else at her table could

see that she wasn&t only pale, but that a soft shade of seaweed green had settled along her cheekbones as well. +>ou okay=/ ;endal asked. She was sitting beside %%, and every once in a while her hand drifted over and s1uee3ed %%&s leg in moral support. %% nodded in return, afraid that if she opened her mouth to speak, an awful regurgitated mess would come rushing out. +She&s fine,/ said :ueenie confidently. +7ook at her. She&s ready to nail this like a threepointer at the bu33er./ +I think I can do without the basketball metaphors,/ %% grumbled. +-h, right,/ said :ueenie. +2ow about, she&s ready to knock this one out of the park./ +And without baseball metaphors, for that matter./ +2ey, I&m just trying to lighten up the situation here./ +4ell, stop./ :ueenie sat back in her chair and mumbled something about %% having a poetry book stuck up her butt. +4hat&s that thing everyone always says=/ asked ;endal. +"ick someone in the crowd and picture them naked=/ +I think if I pictured anyone naked I&d start laughing./ %% forced a laugh. +I&d be able to concentrate just fine,/ :ueenie smirked. %% ignored her and took in the crowd. It was as if people kept multiplying like pods from some alien invasion movie. +Is it me or are there more people in here than usual=/ she whispered to ;endal. +,ore than usual. I invited everyone on the cheerleading s1uad. And each one of them probably invited someone else and so on and so forth. And then someone probably posted it on Twitter and it went viral or something./ +Isn&t that ,ya=/ %% asked. ;endal&s hand shot up in the air, +2ey, ,ya./ ,ya made her way to their table dragging an unenthusiastic ;yan Stevens behind her. +#ver since she asked him to the winter formal, she&s been waving him around like an -scar or something,/ ;endal slipped in through tight lips. +Are they together=/ %% asked. +I guess so. 2onestly, I don&t think ;yan even had a choice in the matter./ +2ey, ladies./ ,ya said cheerfully as soon as she reached the table. She gave ;endal a slight s1uee3e of the hand and winked at %% as if they shared some special secret. +4e just came over to wish you good luck./ %% smiled politely, and watched ;yan fidget until ,ya elbowed him gently in the gut. +)h, yeah. 5ood luck,/ he mumbled, as he rubbed the sore spot. +I must say, you two make 1uite the darling couple,/ :ueenie remarked. 9oth ;endal and %% shot her a warning look, but it was too late. 2er mouth was already off and running. +I swear you two are the Tom 0ruise and ;atie 2olmes of this school. I bet they&ll even dub you ;y,ya in the school paper./ +>ou think so=/ ,ya asked, genuinely serious. She grabbed hold of ;yan&s hand. +I think we&re going to be voted king and 1ueen of winter formal this year./ +-h, that would totally rock, girl./ :ueenie replied, as she slapped ,ya on the arm in an overly enthusiastic and utterly obno'ious sort of way.

+0ut it out,/ %% mouthed, and turned her head swiftly as soon as ,ya looked in her direction. +Are you nervous at all=/,ya asked. +,e=/ %% pointed at her chest. +6ot at all./ +-h, yeah, she&s not nervous at all,/ added :ueenie. +%ust look at her. She&s as steady as a rock./ %% scowled at :ueenie. +She&s just psyching herself up,/ said ;endal. +>ou know, kind of like how we prepare before a cheerleading competition./ 9oth %% and :ueenie looked at ;endal. She shrugged her shoulders back at them. +4ell, we better find a seat before they&re all taken,/ ,ya shifted. She yanked ;yan by the sleeve of his shirt and they wandered away through the crowd. +That ;yan, he sure is a lucky guy,/ said :ueenie. +,ya&s a sweetheart,/ ;endal maintained. +2e looked absolutely miserable,/ said %%. +4ouldn&t you be if you had to deal with that=/ :ueenie pointed behind her with her thumb. +2ey./ said ;endal as she hit :ueenie playfully in the arm. +,ya&s a little*particular, that&s all. She&s a girl who knows what she wants. And it&ll do ;yan some good to be led around by his tail for a while. 2e needs to be knocked down a peg or two./ %% was about to add a few more cents-worth to the conversation when she saw ,rs. 0lark take the stage. In an instant, she lost all sense of reality and her head began to sway la3ily from side to side. She felt ;endal s1uee3e her knee under the table again and thought she saw :ueenie give her the number one sign. -r maybe it was the peace sign*she couldn&t tell. At this point she was seeing everything double. +I think I&m going to be sick,/ %% announced, as she felt sweat break out over her entire body. The damp taste in her mouth went dry, and she began to hyperventilate. +Take deep breaths,/ ;endal suggested, as she leaned closer and rubbed %%&s back. +>ou don&t look so good,/ said :ueenie. +I&ll go get you some water./ %% pushed her chair away from the table and bent down until her head was between her knees. She felt ;endal rub the small of her back as she tried desperately to block ,rs. 0lark&s voice from her ears. :ueenie returned with a cup of ice water and proceeded to dump it over the top of %%&s head. +2ey./ %% screamed instantly as she leaped up from her chair. A hush fell over the entire coffee shop. 0hairs shifted, conversation halted and a highpitched feedback s1ueal erupted out of the microphone in ,rs. 0lark&s hand. %% stood there, water droplets sliding down her cheeks and nestling in the part between her lips, as every person in the entire room stared at her. 4ith her cheeks growing hotter, %% knew she&d turned a deep shade of pink. +Thanks for the water,/ she hissed at :ueenie. +At least you&ve got your color back,/ :ueenie offered in return. +%%,/ ,rs. 0lark shouted into the microphone. +I&m glad to see that you&re so e'cited about this reading. (or a minute there I thought no one was going to volunteer to go first, and I&d have to start calling names./ %% gulped, hard.

+4hy don&t you start us off then=/ +5o get &em, tiger,/ :ueenie said with a fist pump. She gave %% an encouraging nod and sat down ne't to ;endal, who held her breath in anticipation. +4henever you&re ready, %%,/ said ,rs. 0lark. %% licked her dry lips and commanded her legs to move forward. She walked with her head down and her shoulders low until she reached the stage.

CHAPTER "(
4hen she looked out into the crowd, %% avoided any and all eye contact with the faces she recogni3ed, and focused on the ones she didn&t know, until they blended together into a sea of colors. She caught a glimpse of -livia 5reen, the best writer in class, smiling supportively at her from the back of the room. %%&s trembling lips parted slightly and a short and purposeful breath escaped. It was the final signal that there was no going back. 2er eyes began one final lap around the room. They stopped about halfway around the track, settling on ;endal and :ueenie in the corner. :ueenie, of course, was making a funny face at her and it almost made %% laugh out loud. 2er shoulders straightened, and her hands reached out on their own and grabbed hold of the microphone. +I wrote this for class*well, I suppose you could say I wrote it. I prefer to say that it flew out of me like water from a faucet. I turned the handle and suddenly the words were there, and they kept coming. There were no breaks in the lines and no pauses to 1uestion where the poem was headed. The words just kept flowing from my pen, one after the other. And these are the words that ended up on the page. These are the words I was asked to read out loud today and they come in the form of a poem entitled, @,other ,ay I=&/ As the crowd waited, %% grabbed hold of a wooden stool from the back of the stage and pulled it forward. She sat down with her eyes facing the floor and when she felt confident enough to proceed, she lifted her eyes to the crowd. +She tied my hair in ribbons, I untied them and my hair ran wild. She forced a cotton shirt over my head. I took it off and basked naked in the sun. She remembered days of girlie pom-poms. I dribbled a ball aggressively down the court. She often wondered who I was inside. I boasted that I was her only daughter. She cringed at my defiance. I cringed at her reluctance. >et, somehow we connected through years of change when I finally wore a dress. She accepted our fate. I accepted our gender. 4e found a common strand, which wove a mother and daughter from two different te'tures. Together, we knitted a 1uilt that I now use when I get cold./

CHAPTER ")

;endal watched the band set up their instruments on the stage. A guy with crow-black shaggy hair and tattooed arms strummed a few strings of his guitar and twisted the knobs at the end. 2e looked up briefly and caught her watching him. She smiled momentarily, and then refocused her attention on the book in front of her, a biography of #mily $ickinson. 4hen she decided it was safe to let her eyes wander again, he was standing right in front of her. +0ome here often=/ he asked, while chomping on a piece of gum. +#very (riday night,/ she said politely. +A fan=/ +A fan of poetry, actually./ ;endal raised the book in her hand so he could read the title. +#mily $ickinson= I&ve never heard of her./ +She was a poet. >ou should read some her work. It&s ama3ing./ +,aybe I will. ,y name is 9rad, by the way./ 2e pointed to the rest of the band members behind him. +4e&re called 0andy 2earts. 4e&re pretty popular in this area./ +8eally= I&ve never heard of you,/ ;endal teased. +TouchM,/ said 9rad with a snap of his finger. +I guess we&re not as popular as #mily $ickinson./ +5uess not./ ;endal e'tended her hand to him. +I&m ;endal, by the way./ +6ice to meet you, ;endal./ +So*0andy 2earts= That e'plains your shirt then./ She pointed to his maroon T-shirt which had a white heart on the front of it with the phrase +I like you/ printed on it. +0lever, isn&t it=/ he grinned. +0andy hearts make for great T-shirt designs when you&re trying to promote a band./ +4hy 0andy 2earts=/ +4hy not= 9eats out the other names we came up with./ +4hich were=/ +(our 5uys and a $rummer or, A $rummer and (our 5uys./ +0lever./ +I don&t think we would have come up with as brilliant a T-shirt design for those./ +Agreed./ +Speaking of T-shirts, would you like one=/ +Tempting*but I think I&m going to have to pass./ +So listen,/ 9rad said, as he tapped his fingers at the sides of his jeans. +I&ve got a few moments before we are supposed to warm up. ,ay I join you=/ 2e gestured at the open seat across from ;endal. +I&m sorry,/ she said as nicely as possibly. +I&m waiting for my girlfriend./ +5irlfriend=/ +>es./ +As in a girl who&s a friend or as in a girl you&re dating=/ +As in a girl I&m dating./ +8eally=/ 2e paused. +I don&t mean this in a bad way or anything, but I never would have guessed that you were gay=/ +6either did I,/ ;endal smiled. +So what brings you here on a (riday night= I thought Sampson Academy was a party school=/ +This is our favorite place to hang out, actually. ,y girlfriend participates in the poetry slam every (riday night. After you&re done playing, you should stick around and check her out./

+,aybe I will./ As 9rad turned to leave, he stopped suddenly. +She wouldn&t like to buy one of our T-shirts by chance, would she=/ +6o,/ ;endal laughed. +I don&t think so./ +6ever hurts to ask./ +Stick around after your set,/ said ;endal. +She might change her mind after she hears you play./ +4ill do./ ;endal looked on as 9rad crept back to the stage and traded barbs with his band mates about how he had just been shot down. She leaned back in her chair and set the open book face down on the table so she wouldn&t lose her spot. She looked out of the adjacent window, which gave a clear view of the school&s front lawn that was a few hundred yards away. The fountain in the center of the 1uad had been turned on a week earlier, signaling that spring had arrived at last. #verything around her felt fresh and new. As ;endal began to consider the strange course of events that had occurred during the school year, she glimpsed %% walking toward the coffee shop with her head high, no longer shuffling her feet across the ground in the unsure way she had before. ;endal felt the warmth in her chest e'pand. That night on stage when she&d read her poem aloud, a new and confident %% was born, a person that ;endal somehow had grown to love even more than she had before. Since then, %% had participated in every poetry slam and open reading held at The Spot. 8ecently, some interested poetry fans invited her to perform at clubs in downtown 8ichmond. She&d also become a fre1uent contributor to a local literary maga3ine. As for ;endal, she&d finally found that purpose or sense of direction she&d been searching for. She&d decided to study 4omen&s 7iterature in college and then go on and get her master&s degree. #ventually, she wanted to become a teacher, enlightening young minds with the magic of poetry in the same way that %% had enlightened hers. She&d also decided to 1uit the cheerleading s1uad, because it just wasn&t important to her anymore. ;endal never felt more secure than she did at that moment. And she had %% and #mily $ickinson to thank for that. +2ave you been waiting long=/ %% asked, once she reached the table. +6ot at all,/ said ;endal. +%ust preparing myself for another one of our @wild nights.&/ +>ou make it sound like a boring night,/ %% teased. +Try saying it with a little more oomph this time./ +-omph=/ ;endal played along. +>eah, oomph./ ;endal stood up, laughed and cleared her throat. +4I7$ nights. 4I7$ nights. 4ere I with thee, 4I7$ nights should be our lu'ury./ +That was much better,/ said %%. She smiled and took hold of her girlfriend&s hand as ;endal sat back down. -nly this time she didn&t dare let go.

% % % THE E+D % % % ,ollow -ueenie and .. as they head to college in/
The Education of Queenie McBride

by Lyndsey D’Arcangelo Co#ing in August 2012 4or #ore in.or#ation and e2cerpts .ro# Lyndsey’s ne$est L5B" teen novel visit: http:66$$$/Publishing yndicate/co#

Lyndsey is collecting true L5B" stories .or her anthology My Story is Out %. you are under age 2, and have a personal L5B" story you $ould like to share that could help other teens3 go to http:66$$$/Publishing yndicate/co#6 or http:$$$/7y tory%s1ut/co#

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