The Wind in Westminster

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4&e Wind in We)tmin)ter
by
James Richmond
For Dad
Chapter One
When the local Riverbank Conservative Party first approached
Toad to represent them at the forthcoming General Election his first
instinct as to cry! "#bsol$tely%& b$t then hard'on isdom
prevailed( for this as no longer the Poop'poop% Toad of the )pen
Road! the Prison Cell and the *tolen +orse! b$t the Penitent Toad
ho oed everything to the kindness! co$rage and generosity of his
devoted friends ,some of hom had -abo$r leanings ' and .ole as
a paid'$p member of the -iberal Democrats/0 1onetheless!
generations of Toads had been nat$ral Conservatives! and he
co$ldn2t help b$t be a little flattered to have been invited to p$t his
name forard! a mere formality! he as ass$red! by the b$3om
rabbit in the teed s$it and pearls standing on his hearthr$g0
Toad2s first d$tif$l instinct on sei4ing his 5lack5erry as to
cons$lt ith 5adger b$t! someho! in scrolling to the n$mber! he
misdialled and fo$nd himself! instead! leaving a brief message on
Ratty2s voicemail ,ho hated the thing! anyay! and never checked
it/0 "6 say! Ratty old chap! 62ve been collared by -ady Gertr$de
Rabbit abo$t this election thingy! and 6 7$st can2t see any ay of
riggling o$t of it( 6 don2t think it ill affect the picnic for the field
mice! old man0&
8There! 62ve done the decent thing!2 he tho$ght0 8Decision
made02
Jaro4lav! the Polish b$tler! shimmered in ith the tea things
bea$tif$lly arranged on a silver tray! and placed them caref$lly on
the aln$t occasional table0 "D6ie,-u7e!& said Toad gracio$sly0
"2ro)6e!& replied the re'skilled anaesthetist! before ithdraing
ith a practiced bo0
"Wo$ld yo$ care to be mother9& The Toad invited -ady
Gertr$de0
"6 don2t mind if 6 do!& she simpered! ith a flash of grass'
stained incisors0 "1o then%& she declaimed! as she po$red the tea
from a great height! b$t barely spilling a drop! "let2s get don to
brass tacks shall e9 We2re going to have to take a long hard look
at yo$r C:0&
"62m afraid 6 don2t have a car!& said Toad! r$ef$lly0
;
-ady Gertr$de cocked her head to one side in perple3ity and
then roared ith la$ghter0 "6 say! yo$ are a card .r Toad! and so
Green%& she cried! "as long as yo$2re so$nd on E$rope! the
committee ill be rooting for yo$! 62m s$re0&
# fortnight later Toad stood before the long mirror in his
dressing room trying to decide beteen his .CC tie and the pink
one ith the little bl$e t$lip motif0 Derek! the $nder'gardener ' ho
do$bled $p as his valet in these straitened times ' stood back ith his
manly arms folded across his chest and his lips p$rsed severely0
"<o$2ve got to oo4e sir! 7$st positively oo4e! and 62m dreadf$lly
sorry to say it! b$t yo$r father2s fob'chain 7$st on2t do( it2s simply
too de tro% for ords0 This isn2t the ;=>>2s and! $nless yo$2ve been
terribly discreet! yo$2re not a Freemason%&
Toad2s feat$res tisted into a s$lky scol0 "62ve alays orn
my atch chain for important occasions( it2s my birthright! e2re
talking abo$t my great'grandfather2s atch here ? 62ll have yo$
kno%&
"That2s as maybe! and there2ll be no harm in having it t$cked
safely in o$r tro$ser pocket no! ill there9& cooed Derek0
"Then 6 co$ld keep the chain in my aistcoat%9& Toad
s$ggested! ith a rising inflection of hope in his voice0
Derek cleared his throat diplomatically0 "6 tho$ght e had
settled on the to'piece Pa$l *mith s$it! sir9 6 kno it2s not *aville
Ro! b$t it does give yo$ 7$st a hint of the common to$ch ' and yo$
do look fab$lo$s in that partic$lar shade of b$rnt *ienna ' and! if 6
may say so sir! .r *mith2s creation imparts $pon yo$r fig$re an
even greater degree of elegance than it nat$rally possesses ' altho$gh
6 do $nderstand from cook! that yo$2ve been sending p$ddings back
$ntested( is this tr$ly la verit89&
"Well! yo$ kno ho it is!& said Toad! rather preening himself!
"a moment on the lips! a lifetime at eightatchers0 6 need to be a
lean! mean! fighting machine hen 6 take my place at the nations2
helm! and all that sort of carry on0&
"<o$ kno! it o$ldn2t be a bad idea for yo$ to get a personal
trainer!& said m$sed Derek0 "Why don2t 6 have a ord ith *erg@9
)h! and as e2ve settled on the Pa$l *mith! it2ll be the pink tie0&
A
The Riverbank Conservative #ssociation offices ere in the
handsome! sandstone ton sB$are ne3t to the railay station! and
occ$pied the deconsecrated Post )ffice ,m$ch lamented by the
locals/0 Toad as d$e to meet the selection committee there at half'
past si30 #t a B$arter'to! he descended the great staircase of Toad
+all! abla4e in his Pa$l *mith s$it! b$ffed and polished to ithin an
inch of his life by Derek ,ho as even no t$gging at Toad2s
7acket to improve that ambitio$s animal2s post$re! and flicking
desperately at one or to flecks of dandr$ff hich had appeared on
Toad2s sho$lders ? the res$lt of being prevailed $pon by Derek to
e3periment ith a s$btle chestn$t tint $pon his ever so slightly
moth'eaten hair/0 Jaro4lav stood in the hall like a Grenadier G$ard0
"6 say old chap! o$ld yo$ get me a cab into ton!& said Toad0
The b$tler boed0 "6f 6 may say so sir! yo$ look like a million
4lotys0&
"Jolly nice of yo$ to say so% 62ll take a Pimms on the terrace
hile 62m aiting0&
#s he sat there aiting for destiny to collect him! Toad alloed
his mind to ander back thro$gh the years( he reflected on some of
his advent$res and the dear friends ho had shared them0 +e
tho$ght of those s$n'dappled days $pon the river ,and ho they had
ended in disill$sionment ith ater'borne transport/! of his brief
e3periment ith 5ohemian living on d$sty roads and beneath the
evening stars ' hich had been bro$ght to s$ch a catastrophic end
hen he had been vo$chsafed that epic! petrol'driven vision hich
had la$nched his tragic $nreB$ited love affair ith motor cars0 +o
bitter that had been! despite all its heady sed$ctions( it had red$ced
him to ignominio$sly aiting for a mini'cab hen he sho$ld by
rights have been cha$ffe$ring himself to this meeting in his on
gleaming .asarati0
5$t then again! hat a rich variety of e3perience had been his as
a res$lt of all that hard'on isdom gained ? often painf$lly ' hen
he had been forced to r$b sho$lders ith the Great Cnashed0 The
contemporary Toad as a more ro$nded individ$al ? in the noblest
sense ? and one ho co$ld bring his e3perience to bear on the lives
of those even more $nfort$nate than himself0
<es! he! Toad! had something of inestimable val$e to impart to
society0 +e took a long hard drink of his Pimms! and alloed his
ga4e to range over the ornamental carp pond and across the
D
impeccable lans to the boat'ho$se0 6t o$ld be nice to be giving
something back0 #nd he might ell be on the telly% That o$ld
make his friends sit $p and take notice0 #nd hat good fellos they
ere ,altho$gh .ole had gone totally organic and become 7$st a bit
tedio$s abo$t the *oil #ssociation ? if the tr$th be knon/0
#s for poor old Ratty! he as! apparently! still aiting for an
ins$rance payo$t folloing the Great 6n$ndation ' hich the
company ere B$ibbling over ' on the gro$nds that he had been
living belo the aterline at the time0 #s a conseB$ence! the Water
Rat had m$ch less time for messing abo$t in boats than as essential
to his spirit$al needs as he as forced to spend a earisome amo$nt
of his life online in the local library ? and he really didn2t hold ith
comp$ters0 -$ckily! the devoted .ole as constantly at his side '
eB$ipped as he as ith s$perior 6T skills0

Toad hadn2t act$ally seen the 5adger in ages! since that
mysterio$s beast still kept himself very m$ch to himself in the
middle of the Wild Wood ? hich had ,thankf$lly for some/! been
preserved for posterity by its hard'on green belt stat$s!
notithstanding the best e3ertions of the more commercially
progressive members of the Riverbank comm$nity0 6n the years
since the epic battles ith the Weasels and the *toats! 5adger had
taken to the st$dy of the la via the )pen Cniversity ' and become a
highly B$alified practitioner0 +e as often called $pon to settle
disp$tes amongst the oodland creat$res ' hich service he alays
provided on a %ro bono basis ,hen he asn2t hibernating/0 The
poor animal had s$ffered a nasty br$sh ith T5 a fe years
previo$sly and! altho$gh it hadn2t proved to be a strain resistant to
penicillin! it had left him somehat eakened ' and a prey to dark
misgivings abo$t the dairy ind$stry0
8Dear friends! b$t in their on ays flaed2! Toad reflected0
1o it as don to himE the scion of a noble ho$se! the
embodiment of all that as best abo$t 5ritain to make his mark $pon
the 6sland *tory0 +e heard tyres cr$nching on the gravelled drive0
+e drained his glass ,incl$ding the fr$it beca$se it co$nted toards
his beastly five a day/ and clambered to his feet0
F
The mini'cab that as aiting before Toad2s magnificent front
door as a rather battered Pe$geot and! cro$ched $ncomfortably
behind the heel! sat a morose' looking 5engal Tiger0 Jaro4lav as
holding open the rear door0
"The )ld Post )ffice please!& said Toad climbing in0 Jaro4lav
sh$t the door smoothly behind him0 "What2s yo$r name9& asked
Toad affably! as they p$lled aay0
".ohammed!& replied the Tiger! taking a long hard look at Toad
in his rear vie mirror! from hich h$ng a string of prayer beads
and a pine'tree shaped air freshener! "hich post office yo$
anting9&
"The one by the station in the sB$are0&
"There2s no damn post office there! this r$ddy government they
sh$t it don0&
"6 kno%& said Toad! "it2s disgracef$l! b$t e in the
Conservative party are going to do something abo$t it0 Why! hen 6
as yo$ng! one got one2s post at breakfast and again at l$nch( no
one2s l$cky to get it at all! and if that asn2t bad eno$gh 6 hear they
pay the fello in charge $ntold millions%&
"What yo$ going to do9 6t2s 7$st globalisation!& said
.ohammed earily0
"6 say! that2s rather good!& e3claimed Toad! "do yo$ mind if 6
$se it9&
".aybe 6 charge yo$ do$ble fare!& said the tiger! ith a gleam
in his eye0
")h 6 hope not!& said Toad earnestly! "it2s very hard to get one2s
hands on ready money0&
With 7$st min$tes to spare they dre $p o$tside the Riverbank
Conservative Party +eadB$arters0 "+ere yo$ are! keep the change
and ish me l$ck!& said Toad handing over a tenner0
"6nshallah%& said .ohammed! displaying a set of very sharp
hite teeth0 #nd he drove off in search of his ne3t fare0
Toad as greeted most eff$sively at the door by -ady Gertr$de
a large brooch no pinned to her 7acket lapel hich clashed madly
ith her pearls; ho proceeded to introd$ce him to the big hitters on
the selection committee ' chief amongst hom ere G$stave Eel! a
prominent local po$lterer! J$dge +orace T$rkey )5E ,ho took
G
rather a dim vie of G$stave/ and Do$g .ink ' ho represented
1e .oney in the ton0 6n 7$st to generations ,since his parents
had been freed by right'ing animal activists/ Do$g had b$ilt $p a
considerable empire! not least since gaining a place on the planning
committee0 )nce the introd$ctions had been concl$ded( and the
small talk had s$bsided! the meeting got $nder ay0
J$dge T$rkey as in the chair0 +e cleared his throat noisily0
"Thank yo$ all for coming here this evening! 6 kno ho b$sy yo$
all are! as indeed am 6! and 6 do not intend to detain yo$ for longer
than is absol$tely necessary ,deferential cheers/0 +oever! it
behoves me to raise one or to iss$es hich are! 6 feel! pertinent to
these proceedings and hich! if ignored! may lead to more or less
grave mis$nderstandings later on in this process hich is so vital!
not only to the Riverbank Conservative #ssociation b$t! also to the
great democracy of hich it forms a small b$t! 6 like to think! a vital
part( an essential cog in a machine shaped over cent$ries by o$r
constit$tional process hich is based not on revol$tion! b$t instead
on evol$tion ? tho$gh yo$ try telling that to the vandals c$rrently in
charge% 1o! e in the Conservative Party believe that o$r great
instit$tions of state sho$ld be shaped like the smooth'orn pebbles
on a 5ritish river bed! not knocked together like self'assembly
f$rnit$re ith some retched little #llen key ' hich keeps going
missing and has instr$ctions that only one2s ife can $nderstand%&
+e cleared his throat again0 There as a certain amo$nt of sh$ffling
and co$ghing! and a smattering of appla$se and Toad ondered if he
as finally going to get to the point! first thing hen he got elected
he2d p$t a stop to all these long meetings0
"We are gathered here this evening! as 62m s$re yo$ are all
aare! as part of o$r d$ty ? and 62d like to stress that ord 8d$ty2 ?
of selecting the right animal! or indeed h$man of hateverHermH
se3! to ' God and the electorate illing ' represent this constit$ency
at Westminster0 6 cannot stress too severely hat a responsibility
this is0 6t falls to $s! this faithf$l fe gathered together in this
$nhalloed post office ' for the $se of hich e are m$ch indebted
to Do$g here ' to select a candidate ith real bottom( one ho can
take on the shallo soothsayers of 1e -abo$r and prove them
false0 -et $s never forget that they c$rrently hold this seat ith a
I
ma7ority of D!JGA so it ill be no mean feat to t$rf them o$t0 We are
looking at a sing factor of =0JK0
Therefore! it is vital that e choose a candidate ' hether arm
or cold'blooded ? ho can take the fight to the enemy! ho can in
hearts and minds0 1e -abo$r may have r$n o$t of rope ith hich
to hang itself ,tho$gh personally 6 think that2s too good for them/ b$t
that doesn2t mean e can afford to be complacent0 6t most certainly
does not% We2re not going to get by ith kissing the odd baby0 )h
no% This time e2re going to need policies as ell! and the right
chap to p$t them across to people ho spend most of their lives
eating chips in front of the television( someone ith a$thority! b$t
ho also has the common to$ch0& 8Gosh%2 tho$ght Toad! 862m glad 6
ore the Pa$l *mith s$it02
J$dge T$rkey contin$ed! "no! 6 don2t ant to labo$r the point
$nd$ly! if yo$2ll pardon the p$n! b$t it o$ld be remiss of me to
e3cl$de from this peroration the matter ofH& #t this point Do$g
.ink interr$pted ' m$ch to his chagrin ' b$t Do$g paid most of the
bills! so he salloed his gobbles for the time being0
"Fine ords +orace! fine ords!& the J$dge inced! "b$t e2ve
got a planning meeting abo$t this eco'ton in half an ho$r! and
e2ve got to fight that one tooth and cla! so can e 7$st c$t to the
chase9 Whose the l$cky contestant tonight9&
Toad sat $p! ondering if the pink tie had been the right choice
as -ady Gertr$de rose to her feet! directed a ithering glare at Do$g
? ho grinned insomely back ? and said! in her ha$ghtiest tones0
"We2re very l$cky that the disting$ished local gentleman! .r
Toad of Toad +all! hose family have lived in this co$nty since the
dissol$tion of the monasteries! has been prevailed $pon to p$t his
name forard0 .ay 6 present! Toad%& The eponymo$s creat$re
climbed to his feet and made hat he hoped as a self'deprecating
bo0 There as a m$rm$r of appreciation! hich ent straight to
his cockles0
":ery good of yo$ to step $p to the plate! 62m s$re!& remarked
G$stave Eel oleagino$sly tirling his fo$ntain pen0 "+ave yo$ been
a Conservative for long9&
"6 can2t remember ever being anything else!& declared the Toad
sto$tly0
"+mm! ell e2ll check the records!& G$stave said! ith 7$st a
hint of menace0
J
"That on2t be necessary!& intervened the T$rkey! "6 kne his
father! a thoro$ghly good sort0 6 remember hen e ere $p at
)3ford together e had some very ripe times0 Why! there as one
occasion on hich e ere o$t p$nting henH&
Do$g b$tted in again0 "What2s yo$r line of b$siness! mate9&
"Well 6 have a fe acres hich keep me pretty b$sy0&
"*o yo$2re a hands'on kind of g$y9&
Toad s$rveyed the back of his mottled manic$red pas and
considered his reply "ell 6 s$ppose that strictly speaking J$lian
takes care of the details! b$t e normally meet $p once a eek or so!
to sign cheB$es and that sort of thing0& The little crod shifted
$neasily in their seats0
"6 can 7$st see the headlines no! 8Top'hatted Toady Tories2!&
G$stave sniffed0
"+ar$mph%& e7ac$lated J$dge +orace! "since hen as it a
crime to a be a g$ardian of the co$ntryside ' and a gentleman to
boot9&
"+ear! hear%& cried -ady Gertr$de! "the only other serio$s
contender is a hedge f$nd manager! hereas Toad manages real
hedges and has local roots! $nlike 5arros ho lives in F$lham0 6
don2t think 62m alone hen 6 say that 6 kno hich one 62d rather
have%& There as a ripple of appla$se0 "This election isn2t going to
be abo$t the class ar! it2s going to be abo$t the price of a loaf of
bread! and ho better than a farmer to $nderstand that9& There as
a general m$rm$ring of assent0
"+o does yo$r ife feel abo$t all this9& asked G$stave slyly
looking back at Toad! "modern politics is something of a glassho$se!
and spo$ses are very m$ch $nder the spotlight0&
"Well! that2s alright then!& said Toad! "beca$se 6 haven2t got
one0& This statement received a mi3ed reaction( a narroing of eyes
from some! a certain preening from eligible others! b$t overall an
ins$cking of breath0
J$dge +orace looked somehat taken aback0 "5$t are yo$
co$rting Toad9& he asked an3io$sly! "have yo$ got any romantic
plans that e co$ld bring forard9 6f the Conservative party stands
for anything in this dreadf$l post'colonial orld! it stands for the
n$clear family ' hatever that is%&
L
"6 don2t kno! it2s never been an iss$e!& said Toad $nhappily!
"62ve alays had my ch$ms! and from hat little 6 kno! ives are
rather complicate things0&
"6ndeed they doHb$t so does the lack of one in this instance!&
remarked G$stave Eel archly! "b$t 6 can2t help noticing that yo$2re
rather ell t$rned o$t for a r$ral bachelor( s$rely one can detect the
feminine hand there9&
"1ot on yo$r nelly%& said Toad indignantly! "that as Derek0&
"<o$r partner9& enB$ired the Eel ith raised eyebros0 "Gosh
no%& Toad la$ghed! "he2s the $nder'gardener! b$t he helps me get
dressed0& # frisson ran thro$gh the assembled Conservatives0
"1o, don2t let2s get carried aay%& sho$ted Do$g .ink above
the h$bb$b! "this co$ld play ell ith the sing voters! if handled
properly0 62ll have a ord ith E$stace *B$irrel! if anyone can spin
this story it2s .r Cseless0&
"#nd there2s alays my da$ghter Fennela%& -ady Gertr$de
piped $p0
"<es! there2s al!ay) yo$r da$ghter Fennela0& riposted G$stave
ca$stically0
"-adies and gentlemen and others! 6 think e have o$r
candidate%& e3claimed Do$g0 "Well he2s not B$ite his father! 6 m$st
say! b$t on the hole 6 like the c$t of his 7ib! and if e can do
something abo$t the $nder'gardener sit$ation ' perhaps -ady
Gertr$de might take an interest there9 #fter all! despite the
beastliness! he2s still a considerable catch for any yo$ng rabbit0 5y
the ay Toad! here did yo$ go to school9&
"Well! mostly Eton0&
"Thank God for that%& cried J$dge +orace T$rkey )050E0
evac$ating his l$ngs in relief0
"6 still prefer 5arros!& said the Eel s$llenly! "he2s got more of
a grip on the markets0&
"Frankly! ho cares hat yo$ think!& said the T$rkey0 ".y
ne3t meeting2 already started! 62ve got to dash%& cried Do$g as he
gathered his papers and knocked his chair over in his r$sh to get
aay0
#nd that as ho Toad came to be selected to fight the
Riverbank parliamentary seat on behalf of the Conservative and
Cnionist Party of Great 5ritain and 1orthern 6reland0
=
Chapter Two
The folloing T$esday Toad as en7oying his constit$tional in
the rain0 Despite! or perhaps beca$se of! all this Global Warming ?
he really asn2t B$ite s$re ' it had been $ncommonly et of late0
The ater streamed off his old green oilskin and his Wellington
boots s$cked at the m$d as he made his ay don to the river
thro$gh his ancestral acres! loving every step he took thro$gh these
familiar scenes0 #part from the so$nd of the rain pattering on the
leaves it as rather B$iet ' ith only the occasional mysterio$s
sc$ffling in the $ndergroth to betray the presence of a small
scavenging creat$re0 Toad took a benevolent vie of s$ch goings'
on! he as a great believer in noble))e oblige! after all! he co$ld
afford to be genero$s ith his orms! and he kne that there ere
families o$t there to hom they made a real difference0 From
somehere nearby a blackbird let forth its liB$id song ,into hich it
ingenio$sly interove the so$nd of a car alarm/! to damp looking
ood pigeons sat h$nched together on the branch of a dripping tree0
The footpath bro$ght him o$t 7$st $pstream from the ne eir0
)tter ho had partic$larly strong feelings abo$t the hydro'electric
t$rbines had got $p a petition to protest against the disr$ption to
ildlife b$t! then yo$ co$ldn2t t$rn on the telly these days itho$t
being samped ith information abo$t clean energy and st$ff and
hat a good choice hydro'electricity as so! hile Toad
sympathised ith the poor fello! he did find it all B$ite conf$sing0
6t o$ldn2t be long! hoever! before as an .P! he o$ld be in
f$ll possession of the facts! and then he co$ld yea or nay these things
any old ay he 7olly ell liked0 With a last long lingering look at
the grey ater t$mbling past in hich! according to .ole! there as
a dreadf$l degree of hat he called 8r$noff2 from pesticides into the
ater( the chap got B$ite heated abo$t it0 Perhaps no that Toad
as abo$t to straddle the national stage he sho$ld have a ord ith
J$lian abo$t the iss$e ' altho$gh J$lian! his Estate .anager! as
fi3ated ith something he called 8the bottom line2 hich Toad as
rather vag$e abo$t0 With these sombre! b$t on the hole noble
tho$ghts! competing for ascendancy in his imagination ith the
;>
prospect of coffee! toast! scrambled eggs and kippers hen he got
home! he p$lled his cap don over his ears and contin$ed on his
ay! histling 8-ily 5olero2 as he strolled back thro$gh the l$sh
co$ntryside( the seeping vies marred only by the occasional
pylon0
+e reached the top of Wimple +ill and inced at the sight of the
ind farm0 The vast blades dripped in the still air atop their e3tra'
terrestrial seeming stalks0 J$lian had e3plained abo$t ho essential
they ere to $psetting his carbon0 They certainly s$cceeded0 Toad
as 7$st glad his father asn2t alive to see them0 +e proceeded
sadly toards the hall0 The A;
st
cent$ry as certainly perple3ing0
+e took his boots off in the sc$llery and donned the slippers that
Jaro4lav had placed there for him0 Then! armed ith an e3cellent
appetite! he made his ay across the parB$et hall floor to the
morning room here long years of happy e3perience had ta$ght him
to e3pect his breakfast0 +e as not disappointed0 #s he t$cked the
starched hite napkin into his collar Jaro4lav appeared ith the
coffee pot and the toast rack! both f$ll0 #s Toad po$red his first c$p
then set to applying the retched lo fat spread ' hich Derek no
insisted $pon ' to his toast! Jaro4lav reappeared ith the eggs ,hich
ere laid by Toad2s on flock of free range chickens/ and the
kippers! hich ere placed by his side ' $nder a silver salver0
Jaro4lav then ithdre magisterially to the fireplace from here he
aloofly observed proceedings! in case some s$dden ant might
reB$ire his e3pert intervention0
+alfay thro$gh breakfast the telephone in the hall rang0 "*hall
6 get that sir9& enB$ired the b$tler0 "5y all means%& choked Toad!
str$ggling ith a mo$thf$l of toast and kipper! "b$t 62m terrifically
b$sy right no0&
"6t had not escaped one2s attention sir!& said Jaro4lav!
ithdraing to anser the r$de s$mmons0 Toad took advantage of
the interr$ption to demolish the last of the scrambled eggs ,a
personal favo$rite of his/! and by the time his retainer ret$rned he
as ready to face the marmalade0
"6t2s a .r E$stace *B$irrel sir! he says he as asked to contact
yo$ by a certain Do$g .ink ith a vie to erHbrain)torming0& +e
prono$nced this last ord ith distaste0
;;
"<es! that does ring a dim bell0 #sk the fello to pop over this
afternoon if he can0 6 haven2t got my diary to hand! b$t 62m pretty
s$re that2ll be )M ' $nless Rodney t$rns $p for croB$et ' hich 6
don2t think he ill in this eather0&
":ery good sir! 6 ill convey that message to him0&
Toad applied a liberal coating of thick c$t marmalade to his last
piece of granary toast0 Jaro4lav ret$rned0 ".r *B$irrel ill be here
at half past to! if that is convenient9&
"That2s right in the middle of my afternoon nap%& e3claimed
Toad! indignantly0 "6 do beg yo$r pardon sir! ho appallingly
remiss of me0 6 ill ask him to call at fo$r0&
"That2s more like it!& replied the Toad! "then he can stay for
tea0&
#t ten past fo$r a re'sprayed .ini Cooper p$lled $p at the foot
of the front steps in a shoer of gravel0 Jaro4lav observed icily from
the door step here he stood aiting. # harassed'looking grey
sB$irrel 7$mped o$t and then dived back into the car to retrieve his
laptop0 ".r E$stace *B$irrel! 6 pres$me9& intoned the b$tler0
"That2s me! 6 do hope 62m not terribly late% The fact is my *at
1av packed in! and 62ve been driving aro$nd in circles for three
B$arters of an ho$r0 6 planned to be in plenty of time0 )h dear! oh
dear and this place really is a top end property! very m$ch $pscale0 6
do hope .r Toad ill find it in himself to overlook my tardiness0&
"We can b$t pray!& responded Jaro4lav! "e can b$t pray0&
")h dear!& m$ttered E$stace as he made his ay $p the steps
behind the b$tler and thro$gh the great front doors! "oh dear! oh
dear0&
Toad as in the library! restling ith a *od$k$ problem! hen
Jaro4lav tapped on the door ' he thre the p$44le don ith relief0
8These things really ere 7$st dreamt $p to annoy people ho
frankly had better things to do!2 he decided! 8they eren2t designed
ith the tr$ly gifted in mind! lateral thinkers like himself02
".r E$stace *B$irrel!& anno$nced Jaro4lav0 Toad leapt o$t of his
chair delighted at the distraction0 "Good of yo$ to come%& he cried!
"o$ld yo$ like some refreshments before e get don to
b$siness9&
"Well 6 o$ldn2t say 8no2 to a glass of ater! .r Toad0&
;A
"Please 7$st call me Toad0&
"Wo$ld that be still or sparkling9& enB$ired the b$tler0
")h 7$st tap ater2s fine0& The sB$irrel replied as he opened his
bag to dra o$t a laptop and looked aro$nd for a chair to sit on0
"Each to their on!& said Toad! "62ll have a slice of that
e3cellent venison pie! a small selection of cheeses! some bisc$its and
a 7$g of dandelion and b$rdock ,6 need to keep my its abo$t me/
yes! that sho$ld keep me going $ntil tea time0 1o hat2s the plan
E$stace! if 6 may call yo$ that9&
"62d be obliged if yo$ o$ld!& said the *B$irrel appreciatively0
E$stace *B$irrel had been a s$ccessf$l! and pop$lar! estate agent
' b$t he had come to grief in the Great 1$t Crash0 +oever! thanks
to a fe friends in high places! he had managed to recover his
fort$nes! somehat! by orking as an image cons$ltant to some
B$ite high profile clients ' incl$ding a ranked 5ritish tennis star0 +e
had gone on to transform the p$blic perception of 8.$g2o2*te2!
hich had! in t$rn! bro$ght him to the attention of a nely rampant
Conservative party ' here he had become one of their $p and
coming .r Fi3its ' credited ith the ability to spin a silk p$rse o$t
of a the most $npromising so2s ear0 +is ife as an e3tremely
good friend of Do$g .ink2s0
"1o then! .r Toad!& he said! opening his laptop! "let2s start by
taking a fe details! ho many bedrooms have yo$ got9&
"62m not s$re!& said Toad! "let2s ask Jaro4lav!& ,ho had
ret$rned ith the refreshments/0
".ay 6 be of service sir9&
"+o many bedrooms have 6 got9 Ro$ghly0&
"DF!& replied the b$tler promptly! "incl$ding the e3tension to the
east ing!& +e deposited their refreshments e3pertly before them '
ith an added panache garnishing the nat$ral flair! hich had first
bro$ght him to the attention of the principal at his b$ttling college in
MraNo0
"*orry! that as my mistake!& said E$stace looking $p from the
doc$ment on his screen! "force of habit! that sho$ld have been! ho
old are yo$9&
"6 don2t see that that2s any of yo$r b$siness%& e3claimed the
Toad indignantly0
"6 do appreciate yo$r feelings on the matter!& said the *B$irrel
soothingly! "b$t as yo$ m$st have noticed from reading the papers!
;D
it2s the only vital statistic anyone2s interested in these days0 6 mean
yo$ never see 8.r Jones ,five foot ten/ do yo$29 1o! people are
only interested in the ticking clock of the Grim Reaper and! let2s
face it! he2ll be here soon eno$gh%& +e stared holloly off into
space for an instant0
"Well! since yo$ p$t it like that! 62m $mHDF%& e3claimed the
Toad! rather taken aback0
"DF!& repeated E$stace B$i44ically!
"<$p!& said Toad! his voice m$ffled by a large mo$thf$l of pie0
"DF it is then!& affirmed the *B$irrel! do$btf$lly tapping at his
keyboard0 "#m 6 right in thinking that yo$ ent to Eton9&
"#nd +arro!& replied the Toad! pro$dly0 The *B$irrel looked
p$44led! "6 as broadening my ed$cation!& Toad e3plained! "after
the $npleasantness in the t$ck shop0 Pater said it as for the best '
altho$gh he never tired of telling me that he had to p$ll no end of
strings0&
"6 think e2ll 7$st p$t Eton!& said the *B$irrel hastily! "and did
yo$ go on to $niversity9&
"6t2s f$nny yo$ sho$ld ask that!& said the Toad hesitantly! " b$t
as a matter of fact 8no20 J$st as 6 as abo$t to go $p to )3ford ?
father2s old college of co$rse ' and read PPE ,hich is frightf$lly
clever/! 6 as recr$ited by .6I and packed off to the 5alkans '
tho$gh 62m obvio$sly not at liberty to say m$ch abo$t it0&
")f co$rse not!& observed the *B$irrel dryly! Ob$t that m$st
have been very e3citing for a yo$ng toad9&
")h yes! 6 as rarely o$t of the arms of a bea$tif$l oman ?
hen 6 asn2t killing people stylishly! or resting ith sinister
frogmen ? b$t that2s 7$st beteen yo$ and me! old chap0 6 o$ldn2t
ant people to think 6 as bragging ' especially not 5adger!& he
added an3io$sly0
")f co$rse not!& said the *B$irrel $nderstandingly0 "We2ll 7$st
p$t 8foreign travel2 hich e can $se to inform yo$r vies on the
E0C0 in d$e co$rse0&
"Rightiho!& said Toad cheerf$lly! "that2s a s$b7ect 6 co$ld rite
the man$al on! or rather J$lian co$ld! he2s alays harping on abo$t
caps and things! it gets 7olly earing! 6 can tell yo$%&
"#nd he is9&
".y estate manager! of co$rse! everybody knos that0&
"*o yo$ have s$bstantial interests in farming9&
;F
"6 don2t ant yo$ to take aay the impression that 62m a
sedentary creat$re!& said Toad! "one ho2s content to plo$gh the
fields and scatter! and all that sort of thing0 62m pretty c$tting edge
me! alays p$shing the envelope! hy it as me ho drove thro$gh
the indfarm pro7ect0&
"6 think e can safely p$t yo$ don as the enterprising CE) of
an agrib$siness to energy conglomerate!& said E$stace! tapping aay
enth$siastically0
"Gosh! 6 rather like the so$nd of that%& Toad responded! "6
might get some ne b$siness cards printed! 8Toad Enterprises2 has a
certain ring to itH&
"Perhaps e can go back and look at some of yo$r earlier career
moves! hat did yo$ do after yo$ left the! er! sec$rity services9&
"62m still a sleeper%& e3claimed Toad0 The *B$irrel nodded
gravely and Toad froned as he $nearthed his recollections0 "-et
me see no! 62ve had a pretty f$ll and varied life! 6 can tell yo$ ? 62m
a bit of a Toad of action ' hy 6 once escaped from the deepest
darkest d$ngeon in the hole land! disg$ised as a asheroman%&
")M!& said E$stace! draing breath! "let2s 7$st $npack that one
a bit! shall e9 What ere yo$ doing in the d$ngeon9&
"6t as an o$trage% #ll 6 did as borro somebody2s retched
motor car and! 7$st beca$se 6 as going slightly over the speed limit!
some officio$s red'faced r$ral policemen decided to thro their
eight aro$nd! and 6 felt it my d$ty to give them a piece of my
mind! dratted fellos% 6 tho$ght the la as there to protect people
like me! b$t let me tell yo$! the system is rotten from top to bottom%
Why the old codger on the bench gave me tenty years0 .e% #
toad in the very prime of life% 6t nearly broke my heart! it did0&
"# miscarriage of 7$stice9 # yo$thf$l indiscretionH9& the
*B$irrel m$sed $ncertainly! "62m not s$re here the E$ropean
Convention on +$man Rights stands on retrospective grand theft
a$to0 62ll have to look into it! b$t 62m s$re e can airbr$sh it
someho ' 62m not so s$re abo$t the cross'dressing0&
"<es! 6 as pretty cross!& said Toad! "frankly it as demeaning!
b$t 6 escaped from the most impregnable fortress in the co$ntry
armed only ith my native it! c$nning and reso$rcef$lness ' and a
dreadf$l old shal0&
;G
"+igh 7inks!& remarked the *B$irrel! "yo$2d have got it o$t of
yo$r system if yo$2d gone $p to )3ford0 Perhaps e can roll the
hole episode into yo$r time ith 6ntelligence9&
"<esH& said the Toad! do$btf$lly0
".oving on thenH& said the *B$irrel discreetly! "hat
happened after that little incident9& +e took a sip of ater
nervo$sly0
"Well! hen 6 got back Toad +all as f$ll of sB$atters! dreadf$l
riff'raff from the Wild Wood ho2d taken advantage of my absence
to t$rn this delightf$l gentleman2s residence into a place of v$lgar
deba$chery! b$t me and my friends e learned 8em alright% These
days they2re a mannerly b$nch! they mind their Ps and Ps and
consider themselves 7olly l$cky to get a 7ob here cleaning the
indos%&
"*o it didn2t come to litigation9&
"The very idea% 1o! e 7$st shoed 8em! that hat% We broke a
fe sk$lls ' it2s the only lang$age they $nderstand0 #h! that as a
glorio$s night! and it as the Chief Weasel2s birthday party as ell%
6 gave him B$ite a present! 6 can tell yo$ ' not one that he2ll forget in
a h$rry! tho$gh 6 $nderstand his memory2s not hat it as%
1oadays he relies on meals on heels ' and he has to s$ck t&em
thro$gh a stra0&
"5$t .r Toad! are yo$ not aare that $ntil B$ite recently it as
against the la to attack an intr$der9&
"*t$ff and nonsense% 1ot any more it isn2t% Take it $p ith
5adger if yo$ ant to( he2s got book learning and all that gammon
coming o$t of his ears%& cried the Toad indignantly! "no! e learned
8em alright! me and Ratty and .ole and 5adger! e gave 8em hat
for% #nd e ere o$t'n$mbered a h$ndred to one0 People in these
parts talked of little else for years afterards0 6t as simply
glorio$sH& his eyes gla4ed over dreamily as he recollected those
events! hilst g$iding a dollop of ripe cheese! balanced on a ater
bisc$it! to his lips0
"6 think e2d better p$t that don as civic action linked to yo$r
groing interest in local politics!& said E$stace 7$dicio$sly0
"R$bbish%& cried Toad! "it as revenge% P$re revenge% #nd it
as richly deserved! let me tell yo$% The bo$nders! the $pstart Wild
Wooders! ere depriving me 4oad of my #ncient -iberties! here at
my on hearth ? that as before e installed the central heating0
;I
Why! if e hadn2t taken o$r lives into o$r hands and bashed them
into a cocked hat! yo$2d be looking at a ferret right no%&
"6nstead of a model Conservative!& said E$stace0 "6 think 62ve
got everything 6 need for no( it all adds $p to a very e3citing
package0 <o$ on2t kno yo$rself once e2ve bolted on a fe
ideas0 )h! by the ay! 62ve got a note here abo$t the $nder'
gardener! Derek is it9 1o plans for any sort of a civil ceremony or
anything like that! have yo$9&
"6 don2t get yo$r drift! old chap9& said a p$44led Toad! "6 mean
tie the knotHget! er! get hitched ? 6 believe it2s B$ite the done thing
in parts of the Ch$rch of England these days9& The *B$irrel tried to
cover his discomfit$re by co$ghing0 "Well he2s a nice eno$gh
fello to be s$re! b$t as far as 62m aare! he2s a man%& Toad
replied! "altho$gh he does have some very strong vies abo$t soft
f$rnishings ' b$t 6 don2t think he2s the marrying kind and! even if he
ere! 6 have a certain position to maintain0 6t o$ld be something of
a social gamble yo$ m$st agree! for a gentleman in my position to tie
his fort$nes to those of an individ$al ho has not yet risen to the top
of hat is! after all! a man$al trade9 *till! if it2s party policyH&
"1o! no! no! 6 B$ite $nderstand!& hastily riposted the *B$irrel
,hose father had been a cobbler/0 ".ay 6 take one or to photos '
7$st to be going on ith ' $ntil e can organise a proper shoot9&
"Fire aay!& cried Toad! standing $p and br$shing the cr$mbs
off his tro$sers0 +e raised his chin heroically! "6 think yo$2ll find
that this is my better side0&
"62ll 7$st fetch my things from the car!& said E$stace ,ho as a
gifted amate$r photographer/! scampering aay leaving Toad
preening in front of the mirror over the fireplace0
;J
Chapter Three
5y no! of co$rse! ord of Toad2s impending political career
had beg$n to spread thro$gho$t the district of Riverbank0 6t as
tittered in the b$shes! in the ale ho$ses! the gastro p$bs and along
the topath itself here eary creat$res came of an evening to stroll
and en7oy the declining day ' as the ripe year gave forth a rich
ab$ndance of berries0 *o it asn2t long before the nes came to the
attention of his faithf$l friends of old0
The Water Rat and the .ole ere sc$lling home on the la4y
river one evening! their basket den$ded of edible contents! hen the
s$b7ect came $p0 "6 say! Ratty old chap! hat do yo$ make of all
this talk abo$t Toad standing for parliament9 The coots are
chattering abo$t little else! and it on2t be long before the *toats and
the Weasels ill be d$sting off their ballot papers0 We really don2t
ant him to become a la$ghing stock again0 6 mean! politics is a
serio$s b$siness involving the c$t and thr$st of debate! and
developing the bigness of mind to see an iss$e from every angle0 6
bet Toad doesn2t even have a vie on set'aside! or G. crops ' or
animal cloning for that matter ' let alone the C)
A
emissions ca$sed
by the slash and b$rn clearance of the #ma4on rain forest ' and
that2s leaving aside the deforestation itself%&
"6 sho$ldn2t onder!& said Ratty vag$ely! his mind engaged in
the elaborate p$rs$it of a rhyme for 8#lka *elt4er2 folloing rather a
hearty l$nch0 "6 think he left me some sort of garbled message a
hile back! b$t 6 ass$med it as 7$st one of his fads and o$ld play
itself o$t ? altho$gh he as behaving a trifle strangely at the ann$al
field mice picnic no that 6 come to think of it( ringing
everybody2s pas enth$siastically! and talking abo$t 8the need for
change2 and similar rot0 6 ass$med it as all gas0&
"Clearly not!& said the .ole grimly! "not according to this
mornings2 S%la)&9&
"<o$ can2t believe half of hat they print in that%& e3claimed
the Rat bitterly ,he had s$ffered the indignity of having had several
of his poems t$rned don by the illiterate editorial board of that
a$g$st local redtop/0
;L
"#ll the same!& said .ole gently! aare of the tr$e ca$se of his
companion2s sharpness of tone ' for they shared an instinctive
$nderstanding of one another2s moods! and the .ole as nothing if
not loyal! "all the same! there2s no smoke itho$t fire Ratty! and the
moorhens are f$ll of it0&
#s he spoke one bobbed $p beside the boat in a sirl of ater0
*he shook the droplets o$t of her neck and head feathers! and
d$cked her beak politely0 "6t2s not looking good for the inc$mbent!
is it kind sirs9& she said! before adding! "yo$ o$ldn2t have so m$ch
as a cr$st of bread in that handsome basket of yo$rs! o$ld yo$9&
5$t the s$dden appearance of a gracef$l crested grebe in the river
beside her ca$sed the fl$stered moorhen to retire in the vain hope of
preserving some dignity0
"Capital evening!& remarked the Rat to the Grebe0
"6ndeed it is!& responded the latter! "for a time back there it
seemed as if the rain o$ld never stop! not that 6 mind! mind! b$t
no it2s t$rned o$t fine hich! as yo$ say! is capital0 <o$
gentlemen going anyhere pleasant9&
"To the very best place in the hole ide orld ' home0
Where2s yo$rs9&
"#bo$t a mile $pstream! nothing fancy( 7$st a fe sticks and bits
and pieces! b$t it does for the miss$s and me! and at least e2re
oner occ$piers ? not that that co$nts for m$ch ith the c$rrent
state of the market0 <o$ fellos planning to vote9&
")f co$rse%& said the .ole hotly! "it2s one2s civic d$ty% 6
believe that this time the -iberals have got a chance to really make a
difference%& ,.ole had never really come to terms ith the merger
of his party ith the *DP/0
"Whatever yo$ say!& said the Grebe! rather taken aback! "b$t
62ve been -abo$r ' Grebe and chick ' they2re the only party hich
p$ts the orking creat$re first%&
"1o steady on yo$ chaps!& cried Ratty! "for a start it2s beastly
bad manners to talk politics hile o$t boating! and secondly ho do
yo$ acco$nt for the fact that the disparity in real incomes beteen
rich and poor has increased sharply $nder this s$pposedly socialist
government9&
"Don2t tell me yo$2ve become a closet Tory%& cried the .ole in
alarm0
;=
"-et2s 7$st say!& the Water Rat replied! savo$ring the bad 7oke!
"that 62m a floating voter0& They h$mo$red him ith groans0 J$st
then a polystyrene c$p floated past0 "Dratted to$rists%& they cried in
$nison0
"62ll take care of it%& cried the Grebe! and disappeared0 #
moment later he reappeared cl$tching the distastef$l ob7ect in his
beak0
"-et me take that off yo$!& said the .ole obligingly! leaning
over and ca$sing the little boat to rock "62ll p$t it in the recycling
hen e get back( the tro$ble is yo$ can2t b$rn it any longer
beca$se of the effect on the global climate! landfill isn2t the anser '
e simply don2t have the space ? as it is e2re the dirty man of
E$rope0 The fact is that aste disposal is an iss$e that affects all of
$s personally! no'one can avoid their share of responsibility! and the
rising cost of aste'management means that no e only get a
collection once a fortnightH&
"Right then! 62ll be off%& e3claimed the Grebe diving o$t of
sight0
-ater that evening the to friends ere rela3ing in their
armchairs drosily atching the nes on the television! their bellies
tight ith a no$rishing s$pper of cold c$ts of meat! pickles! fish
fingers! salad ' hich .ole had insisted $pon ' French bread and
cheese! all ashed don ith a not disagreeable bottle of the
organic Chilean .erlot ,hich as on special offer at the local
T$rnover s$perstore/! and finished off ith a healthy portion of
rh$barb cr$mble and c$stard0 The Rat yaned and stretched his
arms before crossing the comfortably orn floor boards ,re'
varnished since the flood/ to the T0:0 set! and sitching it off in the
middle of a tiresome item abo$t animal obesity0 The Rat did not
believe in remote controls! he tho$ght they ere cond$cive to sloth
and! anyay! the retched things had a habit of hiding0 "Well 6
don2t kno abo$t yo$ .oley! b$t 62m 7$st abo$t ready for bed9&
5$t the .ole seemed somehat distracted0 "Why! hatever2s the
matter! old man9& asked the Water Rat0
"6t2s Toad!& the .ole replied at last! "don2t yo$ think e sho$ld
do something to bring him to his senses9&
")h! he2ll snap o$t of it soon eno$gh once he discovers that it
involves ork0&
A>
"5$t he2s going to be promoting half'baked policies0&
"1o hang on .ole! are yo$ s$re this is 7$st abo$t Toad2s best
interests9&
"What are yo$ implying Ratty9& sniffed the offended creat$re0
"1othing! nothing old chap! all 62m saying is that yo$2re not
e3actly singing from the same political hymn sheet as Toad! are
yo$9&
"That2s got nothing to do ith it%& snorted the .ole indignantly0
"6 7$st think e sho$ld talk it over ith 5adger! that2s all0 We
don2t ant Toad to make an ass of himself! and 5adger2s s$re to
kno hat to do0&
"1o look here .oley! ith the best ill in the orld! yo$ may
not agree ith everything! or indeed anyt&ing that Toad claims to
believe! b$t he2s no longer a foolish yo$th! he2s a foolish gron'$p
fello! and he has the right to say and believe the silliest thing he
chooses0 This is still England for heaven2s sake%&
"We2ll see abo$t that!& m$ttered .ole darkly0
".oley%& e3claimed the Water Rat in a shocked voice0
"62m sorry dear Ratty! ho ise and right yo$ are and hat an
$ngratef$l prig 6 have 7$st been0 )f co$rse .r Toad has a right to
his on opinions! it2s 7$st that 6 do so fear for the f$t$re of the
planet0&
"62m more orried for the f$t$re of the ashing'$p since e had
to let .rs Witherspoon go!& said the Rat! "b$t 62m s$re it can ait
$ntil the morning0& #nd ith these parting ords he headed for the
stairs and the l$re of a soft pillo0
For a hile the .ole sat and ga4ed mo$rnf$lly at the blank
screen of their television in its oak veneer cabinet ith the hinged
doors ' hich made the hole contraption look almost respectable0
+e restled ith the prospect of ind$lging himself in one of his
8:anishing World2 D:Ds b$t then! like the good little fello that he
really as! and to make $p to Ratty for the tone he had taken earlier!
he gathered the detrit$s of s$pper from the table and trotted into the
lo'beamed kitchen here! in the dim glo of the lo energy light
b$lb hich his companion as too kind to protest abo$t! he set to
doing the dishes0
#t length he retired to his on sn$g little bedroom set beneath
the eaves( the casement indos open to the river0 5$t the sl$ggish
night air barely stirred the c$rtains! and it as B$ite a hile before
A;
the .ole drifted off! his mind assailed by dark forebodings of the
state of the orld0 The last tho$ght he had before $nconscio$sness
claimed him as of the poerf$l striped grey head of the venerable
5adger0
.ole aoke to the so$nd of heavy rain go$ging at the s$rface of
the ater0 +e got $p to close the indos for the donpo$r as
even getting into the room( already the bedside r$g he had inherited
from his a$nt #dele as damp0 The torrent cascaded from a lo and
omino$s sky that portended th$nder0 # bare fe ho$rs earlier they
had been en7oying a glorio$s late s$mmers2 day( clearly there ere
sinister forces at ork here! epic forces ' to hich the rich and
poerf$l barely paid lip service ' so mired ere they in greed and
the c$lt of the free market0 6t as a far from cheerf$l .ole ho
descended to breakfast0
"What ho .oley%& cried the Rat merrily! from amidst the happy
cl$tter of the table hich he as laying for their morning meal! "6
say! yo$ did a 7olly good 7ob of clearing $p last night%& Then his eye
lighted $pon his friend2s dolef$l co$ntenance0 "What2s $p no! old
chap9 +ave yo$ gone all organic on me again9 1o come on! hit
me ith that killer 7oke of yo$rs! la$gh and the orld la$ghs ith
yo$ and all that0&
"6 smell a rat!& intoned the .ole! in a hollo morose voice0
"Well yes! perhaps there as a little ant of timing there this
morning0 Why don2t yo$ sit don here in yo$r favo$rite chair! and
62ll bring yo$ a lovely hot c$p of yo$r fair trade coffee9&
"Thank yo$ Ratty! yes 6 do feel rather o$t of sorts! it2s the
eather yo$ kno0& # peal of th$nder r$mbled overhead! the .ole
shivered0 "Where ill it end Ratty! here ill it end9& he cried0
"#s long as it doesn2t end $p in my parlo$r 6 don2t care( 62m
dashed if 62m going thro$gh all that beastly grief ith #bsol$te
-iabilities again%&
The .ole sank listlessly into his chair hile the practical Rat
b$stled abo$t ith egg c$ps and toast and marmalade! ith a choice
of Dar7eeling tea or coffee and! finally! ith reference to his on
modest needsE a co$ple of fried eggs! several rashers of smoked
bacon! to or three -incolnshire sa$sages! and a pan of m$shrooms
cooked in b$tter0 To be on the safe side he decided to add a fe
slices of fried bread and some tomatoes ' sadly there as no b$bble
AA
and sB$eak to cap it off0 81onetheless!2 he reflected! ith
satisfaction ' as he s$rveyed his handiork ' 8that is almost a meal in
itself02
Even .ole seemed to brighten as he sliced the top off his boiled
egg and carved his toast into soldiers0 #fter all! it as frightf$lly
cosy to be sitting don to their simple breakfast ith the s$mmer
rain beating against the secondarily'gla4ed leaded indos0
Whatever the perils facing the orld the .ole as! at heart! a
domestic animal and he very m$ch relished m$nching silently in the
company of his dear companion! ith 7$st the odd m$ffled phrase
escaping their cr$mb stren hiskers along the lines of! "heave the
salt over! there2s a good chap!& or! "have yo$ seen the Pat$m
Peperi$m9&
Whilst they ere th$s absorbed! a pondero$s knock on the front
door startled them o$t of their deg$stations0 "Can2t a fello eat in
peace9& e3claimed the Rat in some annoyance0
"62ll see ho it is%& said the .ole! scampering off0 # fe
seconds later the Water Rat heard his friend2s voice raised in delight0
"Why 5adger! hatever brings yo$ here9 We ere talking
abo$t yo$ only last night0 )h my! oh my! it m$st be Providence%
)h do come in o$t of the et! yo$2ll catch yo$r death ith that chest
of yo$rs0&
Ratty thre don his napkin and strode into the hall ith a
broad smile on his face to greet the ne arrival0 "62ll 7$st fetch yo$ a
toel%& cried the e3cited .ole0
")h stop f$ssing!& groled the 5adger in his gr$ff ay! "have
yo$ got any coffee on the go9 #nd 6 o$ldn2t say no to a bol of
m$esli0&
Ratty and .ole looked at each other in consternation! 5adger
read their minds! "doctors orders!& he e3plained c$rtly! "and
act$ally! it2s not as bad as all that! 62ve fo$nd B$ite a passable
holefood brand0& The .ole beamed approval0
"Er! o$ld that be decaffeinated coffee 5adger9& the Rat asked
an3io$sly0
"+eavens no!& the shaggy beast responded! "it hasn2t come to
that! yet%& #ll the same he seemed a little greyer than of yore and a
little bit more stooped! he barely needed to bend in order to enter the
parlo$r here he sank gratef$lly into the proffered chair and took off
AD
his spectacles in order to polish the steamed'$p lenses on a vast!
frankly gr$bby! spotted handkerchief0 The selfless years of litigio$s
er$dition ere etched $pon his noble bro0 +oever! ith a m$g of
Ratty2s e3cellent Javanese blend coffee gripped in his pa the old
fire started to ret$rn0
"6 m$st say!& he remarked! casting a censorio$s glance over the
remains of their meal! hilst .ole as in the kitchen r$stling $p
something for him to eat! "yo$ fellos do yo$rselves pro$d! and no
mistake0 +o many calories are yo$ devo$ring each day Ratty9&
"1ever to$ch the st$ff%& declared the Water Rat virt$o$sly0
"+$mph%& said the 5adger! "yo$r aistcoat says otherise! and yo$r
cholesterol m$st be thro$gh the roof0&
"62m more orried abo$t my comm$nity charge!& the Rat
replied0
"Wo$ld 5ig 5ran be alright9& asked the .ole timidly! popping
his head ro$nd the door! "e don2t seem to have any m$esli! 62m
terribly sorry 5adger( 6 don2t kno here to p$t myself ' it2s going
straight to the top of the shopping list0&
"Well yo$ p$t yo$rself back in yo$r chair dear fello! 6 don2t
ant yo$ fretting on my acco$nt0 5ig 5ran ill do e3cellently ? 6
have been somehat irreg$lar of late ' and 6 might even stretch to a
slice of that toast! since it2s not every day that one has a chance to
che the fat ith old friends0&
They sat don and! as is the ay ith pals of long acB$aintance!
the intervening time since last they2d been together melted aay like
the early mist on a s$nlit morning0 #s if to $nderscore this feeling
the rain stopped by and by and gave ay to a atery s$n0 They lost
themselves in convivial disco$rse concerning all the doings of the
fields and oods and ho$sing estates! and of the hedgeros ,or hat
remained of them/0
Grad$ally they ca$ght $p ith one another2s nes ' over more
than one pot of coffee ' before proceeding to disc$ss ider events on
the national and international stage! and their implications for the
little orld of Riverbank and the folk ho lived there0 )f co$rse
many of these only appeared at eekends to en7oy the r$ral amenity
of their second homes ' hilst a distressing proportion of the poorer
locals! partic$larly the mice! had great diffic$lty in getting onto the
ho$sing ladder at all0 #nd there as a real dearth of social ho$sing
in the area0 6t as all to do ith City money! apparently! hich as
AF
a mysterio$s force of nat$re beyond the capacity of the natives of
these $nsophisticated b$t bea$tif$l parts to comprehend0 .ost ere
dimly aare of interest rates b$t! on the hole! tho$ght that they
ere rather boring0
1at$rally! it asn2t long before the s$b7ect of Toad and his latest
doings came $p0 .ole as rather hoping for some strong ords on
that s$b7ect from 5adger! and perhaps even a %lan o, action to
c$rtail the misg$ided master of Toad +all from promoting the
politics of envy! as he sa it0 5$t 5adger2s years of $npaid
arbitration had left their mark0 +e o$ld have fo$ght the sto$test
animal in the land to protect the meanest retch2s right to &abea)
cor%u), and he made this clear in no $ncertain terms ,hich had the
sad effect of making the .ole feel rather small/ b$t Ratty! noticing
hich ay the ind as bloing! gave his friend a s$rreptitio$s
ink hich raised his spirits somehat0 1onetheless! .ole as left
in no do$bt that even a card' carrying Tory Toad had rights hich
had to be respected0 The ay forard! opinioned the 5adger! in
respect of this partic$lar dilemma! lay in ed$cation0 "Fat lot of good
that2ll do!& m$ttered the Water Rat $nder his breath0
5y no the s$n as sparkling on the dancing river! hich
seemed m$ch invigorated by the recent storm0 *o the trio of friends
donned their galoshes ,for it as still very et $nderfoot/! and took
a t$rn $pon the river bank amongst the gaily darting dragonflies! the
heeling sifts and the rising fish hich broke the s$rface here and
there ith predatory 8gloops20
AG
Chapter Four
#s the date of the election dre near! posters of every h$e began
to appear in indos thro$gho$t the constit$ency0 # bevy of
leaflets slipped thro$gh $ns$specting letterbo3es on to $nreceptive
doormats! s$ggesting a do4en different sol$tions to the same
problems! and each claiming to be the only tr$e and right one0

+oever! amidst the conf$sion! apathy and cynicism! there
reigned something of a carnival air! a chance for the citi4enry to
place the candidates in the stocks and pelt them ith! if not rotten
fr$it! then at least akard B$estions hich ere hard to dodge! and
had the potential to leave them ith as m$ch egg on their faces as
the real thing0 That2s not to say that the election as p$rely an
e3ercise in bear'baiting! far from it! eighty iss$es of principal ere
at stake as .ole! ho as campaigning loyally for the -iberal
Democrat candidate! *arah *hre! despite the siren call of the
Greens! lost no opport$nity to emphasise0
The higher'minded voters ere e3ercised abo$t schools! health!
la and order! the role of 5r$ssels in 5ritish p$blic life!
immigration! terrorism! binge'drinking and the fate of the Post
)ffice! b$t S%la)&9 thre its eight firmly behind Toad ,a
circ$mstance perhaps not entirely $nconnected ith the fact that
Do$g .ink controlled that periodical thro$gh an offshore
s$bsidiary/0
Toad2s handlers ere doing a magnificent 7ob( even hen he
described the $nemployed as 8la4y! ignorant br$tes2! they ere able
to pass this off as a light'hearted reference to his on social circle '
hich only increased his l$stre in the eyes of the masses! and
serio$sly rattled the sitting -abo$r .P! P$entin *t John0
6t asn2t long before Toad as on everyone2s lips0 +e
represented ne! altho$gh bl$e blood( a fresh perspective! a tr$ly
local voice ho $nderstood the everyday concerns of the hard'
pressed inhabitants of Riverbank ,many of hom ere driving
AI
frankly obsolete cars! and str$ggling to meet their school fees/0
Toad had the common to$ch0
6t as! therefore! s$ggested to him by E$stace that! since the
to$ghest part of the electorate to crack as the $nder AG2s! he sho$ld
? as the *B$irrel p$t it ? "Get don ith the kids0& To this end he
as provided ith a caref$lly chosen pair of blindingly hite
trainers! some alarmingly baggy 7eans hich seemed to be designed
to fall don aro$nd his knees and a bright bl$e garment ,hich he
as given to $nderstand! as called a 8hoodie2/ and $pon hich as
embla4oned! in fl$orescent red! the legend! 8Tories Rock%2 When
Derek had recovered from the initial shock of seeing the portly!
middle'aged beast th$s acco$tred! he had then broken don into a
paro3ysm of la$ghter from hich he did not recover for tenty
min$tes ? m$ch to the chagrin of his offended employer( ho
resolved there and then to let him go as soon as the election as
over! and he as safely in the +o$se of Commons0 +e as dashed
if he as going to be the ob7ect of s$ch beastly cheek from an $nder'
gardener of all things0 5$t then Derek! iping aay the tears! said!
"yo$ poor lamb! hat ill they make yo$ do ne3t9 +onestly! 6 feel
like making a citi4en2s arrest and p$tting yo$ into protective
c$stody0& #t these ords Toad2s heart softened! and he became his
old emollient self! b$t the first spark of political calc$lation had been
str$ck in that $ncalc$lating creat$re2s mind0
Cnfort$nately! the yo$th initiative did not catch fire and instead
the slogan! 8Tories *$ck2 became a common sight! artf$lly sprayed
across n$mero$s alls in the ro$gher parts of ton ,and a
partic$larly feral yo$th ' ho re7oiced in the name of 5ling Crosby!
as even apprehended attempting to deface the ar memorial ith
this message/0 +is impending co$rt appearance as anticipated ith
m$ch relish by J$dge T$rkey )5E0 +oever! yo$ng .r Crosby2s
.y Face site received a h$ge n$mber of hits! and he ent on to
release a track called 8Criminal Record2 from hich he never looked
back0
#s a conseB$ence of these developments! the Conservative
election committee decided ? and isely ? to retreat to their
traditional demographic heartlands0 Toad binned his baggy 7eans
and as dispatched to glad'hand the orthy residents of the leafier
AJ
and more sal$brio$s environs! and there dispense the party2s
message of hope for a ne dan! and a forard'looking co$ntry
b$ilt on traditional val$es0 "Tomorro2s technology for yesterdays2
men%& as the ar cry0
#s Toad as advancing ith a phalan3 of the faithf$l don
Goose Green Drive ' one of the many ne narro'sho$ldered!
yello brick settlements that had spr$ng $p recently $nder the
philanthropic t$telage of Do$g and his colleag$es in a hole'hearted
response to the government2s policy of b$ilding a home a min$te for
the ne3t tenty years ,or $ntil the land ran o$t of altogether/! they
came $pon a posse marching toards them headed by no less a
personage than *arah *hre! ho as almost hidden by the h$ge
yello rosette hich she as sporting0 #t her side strode a
p$rposef$l and grim'faced .ole! armed to the teeth ith election
literat$re0
".oley%& cried the Toad! delightedly! "hat a lovely s$rprise%
What on earth brings yo$ to this $nprepossessing place on s$ch a
splendid afternoon9 ,# c$rtain titched indignantly at this sho$ted
remark/0 #nd here2s Ratty9 6 sometimes think yo$ to m$st be
7oined at the hip%&
The .ole as rather embarrassed by this eff$sive greeting from
the p$tative Tory member for Riverside ho as riding so high in
the polls! b$t good manners! their ancient friendship! and his deep
respect for the democratic process ' of hich he2d lately been so
sharply reminded by 5adger ' ca$sed him to e3tend a elcoming
pa0
"<o$2re the talk of the ton! Toad%& he e3claimed genero$sly!
casting a tro$bled sideays glance at .s0 *hre ? ho! altho$gh
rinkling her nose! managed to pass it off as a to$ch of hay fever!
and s$mmoned! hat she hoped! as a inning smile0
"Well! yo$ kno!& said the Tory! "cometh the ho$r! cometh the
Toad! b$t there2s everything still to play for0 6 think this race is
orth an each ay fl$tter! even if 6 do in0 6 believe yo$ can still
get AQ; if yo$2re l$cky! 6 o$ldn2t co$nt on the *P0 What2s yo$r
principal beef in all this! dear9& +e asked the -iberal Democrat
hopef$l0
*he seemed to sell to tice her normal si4e! almost eclipsing
the rosette0 "#rrogant! conceited! o$t'of'to$ch! over'privileged!
AL
sm$g! small'minded! reactionary! cha$vinist pigs%& e3post$lated the
*hre! almost r$nning o$t of breath in her indignation0
"6 co$ldn2t agree more!& said the Toad admiringly! "6 think
yo$2ve s$mmed $p this electorate very nicely ' e)%ecially the $nder
AG2s0&
.ole cleared his throat diplomatically! "perhaps e sho$ld be
getting on *arah! e2ve hardly started canvassing and e need a big
p$sh at this stage in the campaign! especially ith Five -ive coming
don later0&
5$t *arah *hre as incandescent! and her mood as not
helped hen Toad gallantly stepped off the pavement into the road
in order to allo her ento$rage to pass! and said light'heartedly ' and
ith ironic intent! "age before bea$ty madam! age before bea$ty!&
beca$se! altho$gh it as tr$e that .s0 *hre as of a certain age! it
as not a very chivalro$s remark! even in 7est0
6t as also B$ite vain on Toad2s part! and frankly displayed a
scant regard for the tr$th! for even Derek at his most flattering!
o$ld not have described the Toad as bea$tif$l0 *he as
speechless0 .ole as very orried indeed! as the old ch$ms parted
company and ent on their divergent political ays0
#s the campaign progressed it became more rancoro$s0 *arah
*hre simply ref$sed to share a platform ith Toad hile P$entin
*t John! in a desperate bid to p$t some 8clear bl$e ater2 beteen
1e -abo$r and the Conservatives! as playing the pop$list card0
Every failing school and hospital as promised e3tra cash ' despite
the fact that most of it ent on hordes of incompetent managersE
pensioners ere b$oyed $p ith the e3pectation of an e3tra RA0G> a
eek! immigrants ere promised indeterminate spells on prison
h$lks moored in the .eday! terrorists o$ld be s$b7ect to *haria
la! the railays o$ld be renationalised! defence spending
do$bled! disrep$table foreign ars halved! and the programme of
post office clos$res o$ld be caref$lly re'e3amined0
5$t the voters of Riverbank ere canny! they kne that there
as nothing left in the kitty to pay for this $topia0 They sensed that
the co$ntry needed a fresh pair of legs to carry it forard! a safe pair
of hands to sort o$t the inevitable mess left by a party hich had
been too long in poer and had gone soft on the very things it had
A=
once believed in( a party hose credibility had been strained to the
limit by the compromises conseB$ent $pon office0
6t as time to strike the big top and move on( to find a ne
ringmaster! so tho$ght the voters of Riverbank at least0 #nd it as
to Toad that they increasingly t$rned on the gro$nds that he might be
a rascal! b$t at least he as their rascal0 6n addition! even if they
ere rather coy abo$t admitting it! they rather liked having a toff in
the offing( at least yo$ kne here yo$ stood ith a toff ! hoever
dim! hereas the middle classes tended to be a somehat slippery
lot hen it came to catchment areas and the like0
#s for the $nderclass ,for there really asn2t a orking class to
speak of anymore/! altho$gh mostly kind! and devoted to their
families! they didn2t m$ch care either ay as long as they co$ld
afford beer and fags and mobile phones! and the chance to cheer on
their team on )i% T0:0! and maybe soak $p some s$n once in a
hile( bread and circ$ses! and soap operas! hat co$ld be fairer than
that9 What they ere sick of as health and safety! and the
moralocracy ho enforced it0 The fact as that a poor diet cost less
than a good one! and no amo$nt of hogash co$ld hide it0
With all these iss$es on the boil! and the increasingly personal
nat$re of the contest! it asn2t long before Riverbank became a
cockpit in hich the national str$ggle as played o$t in miniat$re0
This process as accelerated by the colo$rf$l nat$re of the Tory
candidate and the fact that Toad as ne to the political scene! and
therefore a so$rce of fascination to the local media0 They sa in
him the potential to be more than a mere politician0 Toad as
celebrity material( he had it, the capacity to sell maga4ines and adorn
sofas on daytime television0 Toad had the makings of a star ' and
they delighted in that knoledge ' as did E$stace0
The *B$irrel basked in the reflected glory and became B$ite
officio$s and obstr$ctive hen dealing ith reB$ests for intervies
,to the point here Do$g .ink had to take him aside and have a
B$iet ord/0 5$t nor as Do$g imm$ne to the e3citement of being
on a inning streak! in fact the hole local party as cock'a'hoop
as they croded ro$nd the plasma screen in the )ld Post )ffice! to
atch Toad2s first live intervie on national television0
D>
The programme as Loo- :ere! a ro$nd $p of the days2 regional
nes and the intervieer as Jessica Partridge! a glossy! $pardly'
mobile bottle blonde who appeared to have been po$red into her
bright red dress0 They sat at opposite sides of a large coffee table!
on hich as represented a map of the 5ritish 6sles ' e3ploded into
fragments0 "62d like to elcome to the st$dio the Conservative
candidate for Riverbank! the toad ho2s the talk of the ton! .r
Toad of Toad +all himself% 1o tell me .r Toad! ho did yo$ first
get into politics9&
"Well! it as really -ady Gertr$de Rabbit ho approached me a
little hile back! 6 hadn2t given the matter a moment2s tho$ght $ntil
then0 6 as 7$st too dashed b$sy hat ith one thing and another( 6
mean e all have o$r little affairs! and yo$ kno ho it is! one thing
leads to another and before yo$ kno it it2s T$esday all over again!
and yo$2re ondering hat ine to have ith yo$r dinner0&
Jessica seemed rather taken aback by this! b$t sensed a story0
"*o yo$ eren2t really interested in the b$siness of government $ntil
then9&
"Gosh no! 6 left all that sort of thing to the oiks0& Toad s$ddenly
realised that he as drifting 8off message2! and remembered E$stace
imploring him to 8stick to the iss$es20 The tro$ble as that he
asn2t B$ite s$re hat these ere ' altho$gh he tho$ght that they
had something to do ith ta3is ' and the bright lights in the st$dio
certainly eren2t helping0
"*o it m$st have been a very steep learning c$rve for yo$ since!
by yo$r on admission! yo$ didn2t have a cl$e9& *he enB$ired
s$avely! sensing blood0
6n the )ld Post )ffice heads ere cl$tched in hands! b$t the
noble Toad came back fighting! "no steady on there%& he cried!
st$ng! "6 may not have a head on my sho$lders! b$t 6 pride myself on
my g$t instinct! and that2s hat the voters ant( someone ho looks
like them! a beast ho $nderstands their animal needs0 The
electorate are crying o$t for a firm smack0 )$r poor old co$ntry2s
gone to the dogs $nder this horrid government ' hich is a pretty
bad ins$lt to the dogs! if yo$ ant my opinion0 1o! hat e2re
desperate for as a nation is dignity and discipline! the soft iron boot
of a ne! more caring! more c$ddly Conservative Party! one that e
can all en7oy ,his eye lit on the coffee table from hich he dre
D;
fresh inspiration/0 6t2s time e took o$r place on the map ' once
e2ve p$t it all together again! of co$rse ' and stopped being afraid
of o$r on shados0 We ill leave all that sort of the thing to the
police and give them even longer arms! regrettably0 We ill make
5ritain even nicer! the sky ill be bl$er! and there !ill be green ta3is
for everyone%& Toad pa$sed ith shining eyes to dra breath0
#t Conservative Party +0P0 they cheered ith relief( they broke
o$t the champagne that Do$g had kindly provided! they slapped
each other2s backs $ntil they ere sore0 Jessica Partridge felt her
story slipping aay and promptly changed tack0 *he as! instead!
abo$t to discover Toad0
"*o hat ill be yo$r first priority if yo$ are ret$rned to
Westminster! .r Toad9& she enB$ired politely0
"To find the tea room%& he replied promptly0
For an instant she hesitated before letting forth a m$sical la$gh!
"hy .r Toad!& she p$rred! "yo$ so$nd like an old pro2 already0 6
s$ppose that2s on the gro$nds that that is here the real deals are
made9&
Toad as abo$t to say something enth$siastic abo$t b$ttered
scones hen his va$nted g$t instinct advised against0 "That2s
e3actly it Jessica%& he e3claimed! "6 intend to camp o$t in the
corridors of poer%&
"Well! that2s all e have time for no!& said .s Partridge!
rapping $p on a c$e from her earpiece0 "Thank yo$ very m$ch for
coming in to talk to $s .r Toad! and 62m s$re e2ll be seeing a lot
more of yo$ in the f$t$re0 Toad everyone% Remember yo$ sa him
first on Loo- :ere ith me! Jessica Partridge0 #nd no e go over
to +elen *hakrabarti to hear ho kitten *ammy saved baby Mylie
hen her cot e3plodedH&
#t the )ld Post )ffice Toad as the hero of the ho$r( at last
they had a coherent message to take to the electorate0 This as the
breakthro$gh they had all been orking so hard toards ,ith the
possible e3ception of G$stave Eel ho fo$nd it diffic$lt to admit
that he had been rong/0 The rest of them ere in no do$bt! they
tho$ght they had an impending landslide on their hands! b$t Do$g
.ink $rged ca$tion( there as to be no tri$mphalism he declared for
that might p$t the voters off! and gift the contest to their opponents0
DA
J$dge T$rkey solemnly agreed ' b$t -ady Gertr$de co$ldn2t help
ashing her hiskers overm$ch0
To Ratty! .ole and 5adger! ho had atched the transmission
together in the Water Rat2s parlo$r! the hole thing had come as
something of a shock0 6t as slightly $nnerving to see their old
friend Toad! hom they2d knon in s$ch a familiar ay and ? if the
tr$th be knon ? had rather patronised! s$ddenly magnified o$t of
all proportion thro$gh the medi$m of television0
Toad had made the transition from neighbo$rhood d$ffer to
national personality in one effortless bo$nd! or so it seemed to the
three ch$ms0 +e as no longer 7$st 8one of $s2! and the 7$nior one at
that( he had become one of the $nto$chables! a media darling0 )ne
of the three friends! at least! fo$nd it hard not to be a little 7ealo$s '
tho$gh he o$ldn2t have admitted to s$ch an ignoble feeling in a
million years0
The .ole as most deeply affected( his mo$th dropped open
,and it as not d$e to the sight of little *ammy and the baby he had
saved/0 "5other that inf$riating creat$re%& he cried! "62ve never
heard s$ch nonsensical g$ff in all my life0 +e2s gone and done it
no% Thank heavens the Great 5ritish P$blic have got the common
sense to see thro$gh all that rot%&
"6 o$ldn2t be so s$re!& said the 5adger! sadly0 "Politics these
days is more to do ith personalities than policies! and yo$ can say
hat yo$ like abo$t Toady! b$t he2s got that 8certain something2
even if he is a misg$ided bo$nder at times0 -et2s face it! a gen$ine
fra$d is better than a fra$d$lent fra$d0&
"Well 6 think he did 7olly ell in the circ$mstances!& declared
Ratty! "6 kno 6 o$ldn2t ant to be p$t on the spot in that fashion!
it o$ld give me the illies! 6 can tell yo$0&
"Well spoken! old chap!& said the 5adger! b$t .ole as not to
be so easily placated0 Toad2s antics in this election offended his
deepest principles! ere at variance ith everything that he held
most dear0 +e had long s$spected that Toad didn2t give a hoot abo$t
the environment( so hat on earth ere these green ta3is! and o$ld
they be poered by reneable energy9 Toad2s broadcast had raised
more B$estions than it had ansered0 +e resolved to redo$ble his
DD
efforts on *arah *hre2s behalf0 +e o$ld contact Loo- :ere and
demand a right to reply ' it as his d$ty to do so as a conscientio$s
mole0
DF
Chapter Five
+oever! the response that .ole got to his repeated calls and e'
mails to Loo- :ere as no more than polite0 )n several occasions
he as asked to 8hold2 for grievo$s lengths of time ' d$ring hich
he had to end$re a selection of m$sic! hich really did not chime
ith his on more sophisticated ear ,hich as disposed toards
light opera and! in partic$lar! the orks of Gilbert and *$llivan/0
.eanhile! the prod$cers of Loo- :ere ere distracted by the
national pict$re! as the election hotted $p0 They ere foc$ssed on a
key marginal in the 5lack Co$ntry! here a Cabinet .inister as
fighting to retain his seat! in the teeth of press allegations concerning
his amoro$s peccadilloes ' and the Caerphilly P$estion as looming
very large0 #s a conseB$ence! the .ole gre increasingly
fr$strated0
1onetheless! he never slackened in his commitment or
determination! and as o$t on the st$mp in all eathers0 +e carried
the flame of more local acco$ntability! of less e3ha$st emissions! of
an e3panded tea dance programme for the elderly in Riverbank! b$t
above all his message as 8*top the Tories20 6t asn2t anything
personal( he as fond of Toad! b$t he dreaded Toad in poer0
+e as not alone0 The 1e -abo$r campaign as stalling! and
life as far from comfortable for P$entin *t John ' ho had been a
s$ccessf$l patents layer before he had gone into p$blic life0 +e
as a reasonable eno$gh so$l ,$nless tharted/ tho$gh somehat
br$sB$e! as he as keenly aare that his time as precio$s0 +is
agent had been the head teacher of the local comprehensive! $ntil
she had resigned in disg$st at falling standards0 +er name as
Pettigre'Deer! :iolet Pettigre'Deer0 *he as married to the
campaign manager! Ted Deer ? a dentist ho had taken early
retirement in order to spend more time on the golf co$rse0 Their
message of 8give $s another term! e on2t mess it $p this time2 did
not seem to be denting the Conservative lead! and no they fo$nd
the -iberal Democrats breathing don their necks ' largely as a
res$lt of .ole2s hard ork0
DG
These three orthies assembled in P$entin2s constit$ency
s$rgery one overcast and oppressive evening to disc$ss the sit$ation0
#s the! hoever precario$sly! sitting .P passed the sherry grimly
aro$nd! they reflected on the fi3 they fo$nd themselves in0 "6 can2t
$nderstand ho e seem to have lost the tr$st of the voters!& said
:iolet bitterly! "e2ve done so m$ch for them0 Why! if it asn2t for
$s! the $ngratef$l so'and'so2s o$ldn2t be able to hold their heads
$p high in the E$rovision *ong Contest0&
"6t2s +odgkinson!& remarked P$entin! broodingly! "that
hedgehog sho$ld never have been p$t in charge of the party0 +e2s
far too prickly and set in his ays( he doesn2t seem to kno his on
mind half the time! and hen he does see tro$ble coming! he tends
to roll himself $p into a ball and hope for the best ? metaphorically
speaking0&
"Well! at least he2s not an ostrich%& Ted remarked 7ovially!
smacking his lips at the taste of the rich oloroso0 +is ife glared at
him0 P$entin considered! "b$t it2s not a bad description of the party
right no ? a large! flightless bird0 We2re looking at a meltdon
$nless a miracle t$rns $p or! more likely! the Tories shoot
themselves in both feet0 That2s hat e need to be planning for0&
"That so$nds like fighting talk! to me%& cried Ted! "it is!& said
P$entin! "b$t e2ll have to be caref$l! the electorate are in an $gly
mood0&
"6 don2t tr$st them an inch!& :iolet Pettigre'Deer agreed0 "6
think o$r best bet is Toad himself0 #t the moment he2s alking on
ater! b$t at some point he2ll sink0 We need to dig aro$nd a bit0&
"#nd then give him a 7olly good p$sh%& said Ted0 P$entin
nodded! "softly softly catchee monkey ? or in this case! Toad!& he
m$sed! making a steeple ith his fingertips0
.eanhile! the great day as draing near0 Riverbank as
ab$440 The Conservatives ere B$ietly confident ? not to say
complacent ? b$t the -iberal Democrats! sp$rred on by .ole and led
by a cr$sading *hre! ere making valiant efforts to overtake them0
6t may have been the case that Toad had the charisma! b$t the *hre
and her co'orkers had the commitment0 They believed
passionately in hat they ere doing! orking toards sharing a
more caring orld! hereas the Toad as 7$st having the time of his
life ' and it shoed0 5$t a lot of folk simply responded to the
DI
candidate ho as having the most f$n! and had time to stop and
pass the time of day ith them0 Clearly! he as getting something
right0 The voters ere fed $p ith talking abo$t plastic bags! and
third orld debt ' they had debts of their on! and anted to forget
them for a moment! and Toad alloed them to do that ' for hich
they ere gratef$l0
Then the insidio$s r$mo$rs beganE that Toad had a criminal
past! that he as a felon and an e3'convict! that he had bribed the
g$ards of the prison ' here he had been 7$stly held $nder English
la ' in order to make a nefario$s escape! that he had robbed a
defenceless bargee of her sole means of prop$lsion! to hit a horse!
and! perhaps most damningly of all for a Conservative ? even in
these enlightened times ? that he liked to dress $p in omen2s
clothing and parade abo$t the streets0
6n order to acB$ire this priceless information! P$entin *t John
had called in a favo$r from an #merican friend ho ran the CM arm
of the company that had been aarded the contract to administer the
central police data files ' and had access to all those criminal records
hich hadn2t been lost in the process0

#ll of these assertions ere hotly denied by Toad2s press office!
and E$stace *B$irrel ent on local radio to deno$nce them as the
sc$rrilo$s fictions of a discredited -abo$r party! desperate to cling to
office in order to hide its on misdemeano$rs0 5$t m$d sticks if
yo$ h$rl eno$gh of it0 Then one day! Ted slipped a little something
from his dentistry days into E$stace *B$irrel2s drink at the ;=
th
hole
of the golf cl$b ' and let2s 7$st say that the *B$irrel became
indiscreet0 1o the cat as tr$ly o$t of the bag0 The 1e -abo$r
machine as 7$bilant! and Ted even basked in the rare approval of
his ife ,ho cooked him his favo$rite meal of toad'in'the'hole
ith onion gravy/0 E$stace! meanhile! as red$ced to fending for
himself ith the microave0
# gloomy meeting at the )ld Post )ffice ens$ed0 E$stace as
almost inconsolable! his ife asn2t even speaking to him '
altho$gh she seemed to be closeted ith Do$g an af$l lot! and that
mink as cold and condescending to the sB$irrel0
DJ
Then Toad appeared! s$nnily oblivio$s to the mood in the room0
"What ho%& he cried blithely! b$t his greeting fell $pon stony
gro$nd0 "6 say! yo$ fellos! it2s a bit arctic in here! hat2s come
over yo$9 We2re home and dry! after all%&
"1ot B$ite%& said -ady Gertr$de frigidly! toying ith her pearls!
"e2ve been hearing rather a lot abo$t yo$r escapades ' that yo$
ere less than frank abo$t hen e selected yo$0&
")h!& said the Toad! eakly deflating into a chair! "b$t 6 as
7olly candid ith E$stace! sorry if 62m dropping yo$ in it! old chap0&
"That2s as maybe!& said J$dge T$rkey! ith 7$st a hint of
compassion! "and e shall be considering his position in d$e co$rse0
6n the meantime! e m$st address the b$rning B$estion of ho e!
as a local Conservative association ' and as a constit$ent element of
the ider party! hich is involved in this historic! not to say titanic!
str$ggle for the very so$l of the nation! are to drag this partic$lar fat
kicking and screaming o$t of the flames0 <o$ are almost certainly a
reprehensible Toad b$t! right no! yo$ are the only one e2ve got0
6f e change horses in mid'stream on this one! it ill only confirm
hat are! after all! 7$st poisono$s inn$endoes at this stage0 Then e
really ill get a dr$bbing come polling day0 #nd looking on the
bright side! yo$ are neither a serving convict nor a certified l$natic!
so yo$ have every right to sit in parliament ' b$t e2ve got to get
that message across and scotch these 1e -abo$r bo$nders once
and for all0&
"6 think that2s here 6 come in!& said Do$g! "6 can say ith
confidence that S%la)&9 is still on board! and e2ve got time to $p
the tempo there and really drive home the Toad message ' hile
nailing some of these $nfort$nate r$mo$rs that Cseless E$stace has
alloed to flo$rish0& The sB$irrel sB$irmed $neasily in his seat0
G$stave hadn2t spoken $ntil this moment! b$t no he piped $p
in his reedy voice! "6 as 7$st going to say! 86 told yo$ so2! b$t on
deeper reflection it occ$rs to me that there is no s$ch thing as bad
p$blicity and ' that as far as certain elements of the pop$lation are
concerned ' these allegations! tr$e or not! o$ld be regarded as a
positive asset0&
The committee stared at him in admiration and disbelief! as he
saying that they no had ithin their grasp that holy grail of
politics! the $nder AG vote9 They hardly dared to hope0
DL
"#nd e still haven2t mobilised the minorities!& said E$stace
timidly0
"6 think e2ve heard B$ite eno$gh from yo$ for one day! .r
*B$irrel%& intoned J$dge T$rkey ' ishing that he had his ig on
and a gavel to bang0
The ne3t edition of S%la)&9 carried a poerf$l editorial largely
penned ? or at least dictated ? by Do$g0 6n addition! Toad had
contrib$ted some tho$ghts of his on distilled into a serio$s ditty
caref$lly designed to present him in a romantic light or! as Do$g
o$ld have it! 8more to$chy feely20 +e as repositioned vis'S'vis
the p$blic as 8The 5eastly Poet2 and! in the folloing verses ' of a
searing honesty designed to recapt$re the moral high gro$nd from
the sc$ld$ggers ho had besmirched his rep$tation! he roteE
Toad2s E3hortation
# Toad he ent a2canvassing $pon the open road!
+e knocked on doors $ntil his pas ere really very sore0
The voters flocked to hear him! $pon his soapbo3 pro$d!
"That is the yo$ng Conservative! e ant%& they cried o$t lo$d!
"+e2s every inch the gentleman and modest ith it too!
*o please don2t fron! give him the cron(
1o matter hat yo$ may have heard! this candidate is tr$e!
#nd if anyone says otherise! he2ll definitely s$e0&
The Toad had some advent$res! that cannot be denied!
5$t then yo$ sho$ld be happy that someone B$ite so snappy!
.ight represent in parliament yo$r very on orst side!
*o come along and vote for Toad ith $nreflecting pride0
+e may be B$ite a stinker! b$t at least he lives donind
6n yo$r on dear backyard! he orks retchedly hard
Trying to $nderstand those las! he2s going to rescind
*o 7$st make s$re that bl$e rosette is to yo$r 7acket pinned0
There as a great deal more of the same! b$t the editorial board
felt that a little of this sort of thing ent a long ay! and that they
D=
co$ldn2t e3pect their readers to cope ith any more yards of verse or
the hole e3ercise o$ld become co$nter'prod$ctive0 1onetheless!
it clearly demonstrated that Toad as a civilised and sensitive
animal ' and not one to be trifled ith lightly! and that even if he had
got into a fe yo$thf$l scrapes ,and no one as admitting that he
had! by the ay! and anyay ho hadn2t9/ in Toad2s case! his
adrenalin'f$elled past had clearly been the making of him0 J$st to be
on the safe side! the local party secretly instr$cted D$llard!Widgeon
T Pye in the matter! and retained their services ith a vie to a
possible libel action ' since that highly rep$table! and profitable!
partnership! as the most aggressive and s$ccessf$l firm! in this
partic$larly delicate area of the la! in the hole of England and
Wales0
When this iss$e of S%la)&9 embla4oned ith a f$ll colo$r
photograph of Toad on the cover ' in hat looked s$spicio$sly like
an 1+* hospital ard ' as handed to the Water Rat by .ole! open
at the relevant page! he took a moment to scan the piece before
throing it don in disg$st0 "What $tter self'seeking! artistically
debased taddle% *o that2s hat it takes to get yo$r verses
p$blished by that rag% 1o 6 see the point of politics ? mind yo$! 6
B$ite like some of the less c$mbersome internal rhymes0&
"+ang the internal rhymes%& e3claimed the .ole! "he2s gone
and done it again% J$st beca$se he2s ell connected0 .oney talks
Ratty! that2s hat it does% 6t talks%&
"Well! 62d be only too happy to have a chat ith it myself! any
old day!& cried the Rat0
"The thing is!& the .ole anno$nced bitterly! "that 6 had f$lly
resolved to go p$blic in defence of him! despite o$r political
differences0 #fter all! friendship is more important than anything
else! isn2t it Ratty9& he looked at his friend ith moist eyes0
"What a good $nselfish creat$re yo$ are!& said the Rat! "of
co$rse it is! hat co$ld be thicker than ater9 6 kno ho m$ch
this election means to yo$! and if that2s your attit$de! then 62m s$re
that all e river bankers ill rally aro$nd Toad! especially 5adger ?
and he knos simply everyone in these parts0&
#nd the Water Rat as right0 Toad as one of theirs ' hatever
he may have got $p to in the past0 Even )tter ? ho had crossed
F>
sords ith J$lian more than once ' as sta$nch in his s$pport of
his beleag$ered friend0 )tter as semi'retired these days! devoting a
great deal of his time and energy to the Riparian *ociety! b$t his son
Portly ? ho had his on yo$ng family no ' co$ld be relied $pon
to cast his considerable eight behind the campaign ,hich meant
that his spirit$al adherents ' of hom there ere a considerable
n$mber living in an ashram close by ? co$ld also be co$nted $pon/0
The birds! hoever! ere a flighty lot ho co$ld normally never
decide on hich side of the fence to land0 5$t! no the deni4ens of
the river bank became mobilised in a common ca$se0 )ne of their
on had been imp$gned ,or in the modern argot! 8disrespected ? or
dissed2! by o$tsiders/0 They eren2t going to stand for that! hoever
tr$e the claims made by Toad2s enemies might be0 The creat$res of
the river bank closed ranks0 The field mice ere solid! despite the
impact of Toad +all Estate plc2s ind$strial harvesting methods $pon
their simple lifestyle0 6t as the voles ho avered ? so thoro$ghly
had they been capt$red by the message of the *hre ,so ably
disseminated by .ole/0 5$t the voles ere not the force in politics
that they had once been0 They had been marginali4ed by bo$ndary
changes! and barely co$nted ' even as a special interest gro$p0
+oever! the Water Rat had a great deal in common ith these
harmless creat$res! and indeed had a second co$sin! Terence! ho
as very thick ith them! so little by little they came on board0
6t asn2t long before a broad! non'partisan! pro'Toad coalition
began to fle3 its m$scles thro$gho$t the co$ntryside0 Even some of
the once recalcitrant easels and stoats began to come aro$nd ' as
ord spread that this campaign as being spearheaded by .ole and
Ratty and 5adger0 Those names still sent a shiver of fear thro$gh
the yo$thf$l pop$lation of the Wild Wood! as their mothers2 tales
sent them sc$ttling to bed0 6ndeed! any mention of Toad as eno$gh
to c$rdle the blood in certain B$arters! and! altho$gh very partial to
their democratic rights! they kne hich side their bread as
b$ttered on0 They didn2t care as m$ch for hom they voted as they
did for anting to be on the inning side ? for a change0
The gro$ndsell of o$traged local opinion gre into a ma7or
tremor and even some members of the fat ,even fatter no that they
F;
had their on cars/ red'faced r$ral constab$lary that had been the
instr$ment of his original donfall began! in secret! to toy ith the
intention of voting for Toad0 #fter all! he as the official
Conservative candidate! and itho$t honest'to'goodness villains to
chase they o$ld be o$t of a 7ob! and they ere B$ite fond of him '
despite his very bad cheek0 6t as 7$st in his nat$re as a gentleman!
they realised ' hich as refreshing for a force that had to spend all
too m$ch of its time r$bbing sho$lders ith common criminals0
1o it as P$entin *t John and 1e -abo$r that ere on the
back foot hilst *arah *hre2s campaign seemed to be r$nning o$t
of moment$m for no good reason at all0 #ltho$gh .ole as still a
presence in her organisation! his contrib$tion as a shado of its
former self ' and he as not above dropping in the odd good ord
for Toad hen he sensed that the voter as already inclined in that
direction0 +e honestly felt that he co$ld sB$are this arrangement
ith the competing claims $pon his conscience0 6n any case! he as
getting a bit fed $p ith *arah2s rather peevish and bossy ays0 *he
as a militant vegetarian! and even .ole had to dra the line
somehere0 +e co$ld hardly go home to the sn$g B$arters that he
shared ith Ratty! and preach the virt$es of abstinence from all the
things that that loyal animal held dear0 6f there as one thing that
the Water Rat detested more than motor'boats! it as picky eaters0
From having been something of a political hypochondriac! .ole
as developing into a shred operator ' ith an eye to the main
chance0 <o$ co$ldn2t change the orld for the better! he realised!
$nless yo$ first had some say in ho it as managed ' and he really
co$ldn2t see *arah *hre ever doing that hoever heartily he might
have ished it( and he asn2t B$ite s$re ho heartily he did ish it
anymore0 1o! his best hope! he increasingly! tho$gh somehat
g$iltily realised! lay in mo$lding Toad0
FA
Chapter Six
#t last the great day daned! and the e3cited citi4ens of the
Riverbank constit$ency flocked! or rather dribbled! to the polling
stations to cast their votes0 6t as a clear s$nny day b$t! ith a
distinct hint of a$t$mn in the air( and those individ$als for hom the
call of so$thern climes as simply overpoering ere already
beginning to make their arrangements even if flying as becoming a
generally discredited form of transport! B$ite a fe of them had
homes on the .editerranean littoral hich absol$tely demanded
their presence! and there as simply no other economical ay to
reach them0 The local eather forecast had mentioned the
possibility of scattered shoers0 #s a conseB$ence! the more
ca$tio$s amongst the electorate carried $mbrellas as they ent to
cast their votes0
1e -abo$r might have been ell advised to iss$e $mbrellas to
their s$pporters on that momento$s day! for it soon became apparent
from the e3it polls that for them it as raining political cats and
dogs0 To be fair! it as part of a seismic shift at the national level0
)$t ith the old and in ith the ne ' and don2t bother to read the
small print ? that as the co$ntry2s mood0
P$entin had been rather an efficient .P ' even if he had come
across as cold and calc$lating0 5$t on that day the Conservative
Party sept all before it! and Toad as carried along on the crest of
the general ave ' hich as inflated in the district by his on
personal pop$larity0 5y the time the votes had all been co$nted in
the small ho$rs of the night! it as all over bar the cheering ' and
there as plenty of that0
The genero$s! nely'elected member for Riverbank invited
everyone ? incl$ding his defeated opponents ? back to Toad +all to
drink the cellars dry0 #ltho$gh P$entin *t John and his cohort
gracio$sly accepted! poor *arah *hre co$ld not readily bring
herself to admit s$ch bitter defeat0 To her a glass of Toad2s
champagne ' served even from the finest Waterford crystal ' as b$t
FD
the poisoned chalice of despair! and then she felt a comforting pa
aro$nd her sho$lders0 6t as the .ole0
"Come on *arah!& he said! "yo$ did 7olly ell to knock -abo$r
into third place0 We2ve created a solid platform to b$ild on! and
that2s on the back of a very high t$rno$t0 1at$rally! the local
animals tended to rally aro$nd Toad a bit! b$t that had more to do
ith fe$dal loyalties and old friendships than politics ? and 62d be
lying if 6 said that 6 hadn2t been sayed slightly by s$ch
considerations myself at times! b$t 6 can2t have yo$ moping on s$ch
a night0 The great democratic process has taken place! the voters
have spoken! and if that isn2t an e3c$se for a drink 6 don2t kno
hat is0 #t least e2ve t$rfed o$t one set of rotters and the ne3t lot
can2t be m$ch orse! and 62m pretty s$re that there ill be avocado
vol5au5vent) ? and any amo$nt of saladH&
*arah softened somehat! despite herself! and took .ole2s
proffered arm! and together they proceeded to a aiting mini'cab '
hich 7$st happened to be .ohammed2s0 +e as 7$st abo$t the only
sober citi4en in ton0
"<o$ a friend of .r Toad2s9& he asked! as they climbed in0
"Mnon him for years%& replied the .ole heartily! by no
slightly oblivio$s to the *hre2s finer feelings ' as the alcohol
ca$ght $p ith him in the fresh air! and anyay! even she as
starting to rela3 a little after months of grinding electioneering ' on
top of her 7ob as the manager of a call centre fighting to remain
onshore0
"+e2s a fine fello!& said .ohammed! as he released the hand
brake! "he has something of the great Winston Ch$rchill himself
abo$t him ? ah! if only &e had on the election of ;=FG! hat a
different orld it o$ld most ass$redly be! indeed0 # great man and
one ho tr$ly $nderstood the national interest ? he o$ld not have
been b$llied into abandoning the gold standard for the <ankee
dollar0 -end -ease my elbo! e paid for every b$llet ith o$r
blood% 6t as all a conspiracy to replace the Cnion Jack ith the
dreaded logo of Coca'Cola% 6t is the hallmark of the Great *atan
himself%&
.ole! ho asn2t B$ite s$re here all this as leading! and
fearing an anti neo'con o$tb$rst from *arah! tried to change the
s$b7ect0 "Do yo$ play cricket! at all9& he asked! little realising that
he had! inadvertently! st$mbled $pon .ohammed2s abiding passion0
FF
"+o can yo$ ask me s$ch a B$estion! hen it is most s$rely
obvio$s that that noble game is the only h$man endeavo$r hich so
acc$rately mirrors the great str$ggle beteen Good and Evil in this
orld9 6s it not clear that all strivings can be $nderstood thro$gh the
lens of the silly mid'off! and s$chlike9 6t is chess on a grand scale
played on grass0 #nd B$ite e3citing0 Tragically! it is becoming
debased in certain nations ? 6 ill name no names ? and a prey to
spec$lation! b$t no co$ntry that does not play cricket can be
considered tr$ly civili4ed! for hat is baseball! my friend! b$t a
debased form of ro$nders ? a game for girls9&
.ole sensed that they ere drifting back to geo'politics! and
as r$nning o$t of ideas b$t then! l$ckily! the T$dor gates of Toad
+all loomed into vie in the arc of .ohammed2s one headlamp0
The so$nd of cr$nching gravel precl$ded f$rther conversation0 They
climbed o$t of the Pe$geot! and .ole offered money thro$gh the
indo! b$t .ohammed aved it aay0
")n s$ch a night hen e have ret$rned a Conservative Toad to
the .other of Parliaments 6 ill not be charging yo$! his friend0 5y
the ay! ho do yo$ favo$r for the third test at Edgebaston9&
"CmH#$stralia9& said .ole! vag$ely0
"6t is most ass$redly a good thing that yo$ did not give me that
anser a moment ago! or 6 o$ld not have given yo$ a free ride0 6
have si3 children to s$pport! and a ife! or to ? do they not need
food and shelter ' and ho else b$t 6 can provide it9 <o$ can2t eat
promises! my friend0 1o! ith a drop of the rain that has been
forecast! e co$ld still manage a dra0&
&6 say! old fello!& said .ole! "hy don2t yo$ come in for a bit
and celebrate ith $s0 Toad2s a very hospitable creat$re ? and
yo$2re one of his constit$ents no( he2s got to be nice to yo$!
hether he likes it or not%& The .ole had intended this last phrase
to be h$moro$s! b$t as the ords left his lips rather regretted that he
had p$t it in B$ite that ay0
-$ckily the *hre stepped into the breech0 "+e2s absol$tely
right0 62m the -iberal Democrat candidate and 6 detest everything he
stands for! b$t 62m going in ' and 62m s$re there ill be non'
alcoholic fr$it p$nch! as ell as champagne0 <o$ can say hat yo$
like abo$t Toad! and 62ve often done so! b$t yo$ can2t deny his
hospitality0&
FG
"#re yo$ s$re9& enB$ired the Tiger shyly0 "P$ite s$re%& they
replied in $nison0 .ohammed e3tricated himself! ith some
diffic$lty! from behind the steering heel and locked the doors of
his car0
"This is 7$st the very sit$ation for opport$nist crime!& he
groled0
")h! 6 don2t think yo$ sho$ld orry abo$t that!& said .ole!
reass$ringly! "the place ill be craling ith dr$nken policemen ?
ho probably came by bicycle!& he added hastily0 With that the
three animals proceeded $p the steps to the ide open doors of Toad
+all ' from hich streamed light and m$sic as the revellers ithin
partied to the p$lsating rhythms of the Jimi +endri3 E3perience
trib$te band! 86nter#ctive2 feat$ring *leepy ,Joe/ Davies on lead
g$itar0
J$st abo$t everyone in Riverbank as there! or so it seemed0
Toad2s caverno$s home as heaving0 Jaro4lav seemed to be
omnipresent ' in addition to the catering staff! ho had been hired
for the evening ' b$t he never alloed his professional demeano$r to
slip for a moment0 +e glided from g$est to g$est thro$gh the throng!
discreetly topping $p glasses0
Derek and his friend! *erg@! ere gyrating to the strains of the
band0 Ratty as en7oying the lavish b$ffet ' hile deep in friendly
conversation ith G$stave Eel ,ith hom he as discovering that
he had a s$rprising amo$nt in common/0 Do$g .ink as dancing
ith .rs *B$irrel ' hile her h$sband looked on rather mo$rnf$lly ?
b$t at least he had been forgiven by his colleag$es! for ho co$ld
not be forgiven for the odd indiscretion on s$ch a night9 Ted as
trying to cheer him $p ith a very long! rather r$de 7oke abo$t cattle
r$stlers! hile :iolet Pettigre'Deer as bra4enly floating the
possibility of becoming P$entin2s personal assistant to the recently
de'fenestrated member for Riverbank0 J$dge T$rkey and his on
good lady! G$inevere! ere receiving the pla$dits of ell'ishers on
the Chesterfield sofa in the library0 P$entin! having skilf$lly fended
off :iolet2s machinations! as B$ite merry in his c$ps ' and already
coming to terms ith the prospect of ret$rning to Chancery -ane
ith its agreeable atering holes0 +e as shaking the tri$mphant
Toad by the pa as the .ole and his companions entered0
FI
The first person they enco$ntered as -ady Gertr$de Rabbit0
*he bore don on them ith ferocio$s p$rpose clad in a black silk
evening gon against hich her pearls and brooch shone radiantly0
"Commiserations my dear! commiserations!& she beamed at *arah
*hre! "b$t hat a splendid occasion% 1o at last e have an .P
ho tr$ly $nderstands the r$ral ay of life0 6 don2t mind admitting
that it as 6 ho first dre him to the committee2s attention0 62ve
alays had the gift of discernment0& *he took .ole by the elbo!
"Why! 6 do like yo$r velvet 7acket!& she simpered! "tell me! .r
.ole! have yo$ met my da$ghter Fennela9& and ith that she began
to steer him thro$gh the crod toards a pl$mp! bespectacled yo$ng
rabbit in a rather tight red dress ith matching lipstick ho as
sporting pend$lo$s earrings! and str$ggling to stay $pright in a pair
of lethal'looking stilettos0 *he as engrossed in conversation ith a
stoat ,ho looked frankly relieved as he spied her mother bearing
don on them! armed ith the mighty .ole/0
"Good evening -ady Gertr$de!& he said B$ickly! "historic! B$ite
historic0 6 7$st have to catch that easel over there! if yo$2ll e3c$se
me! ladies! .r .ole!& he gave a lo bo and scampered off!
pa$sing only to sei4e a fresh glass of b$bbly from Jaro4lav2s tray0
"Tell me!& said -ady Gertr$de insomely ! "are yo$ married .r
.ole9&
"#s a matter of fact! 62m not!& the .ole admitted ca$tio$sly0
"Well! 62ll leave yo$ to yo$ng people alone! hile 6 go and poder
my nose!& she said! disappearing ith a conspiratorial ink0 There
as an $ncomfortable silence0
"6 do ish mother o$ldn2t keep dropping me in it like this!&
said Fennela sadly! "62d m$ch rather be at home0 Where do yo$
live9&
")h! 6 live in the river bank not very far from here! it2s 7olly
cosy0&
"5$t don2t yo$ get lonely9&
"5less yo$ no% 6 b$nk $p ith the Water Rat! and he2s a dashed
sociable fello0 Why! there2s alays something going on in o$r
neck of the oods! he knos simply everyone ' and they all regard
him as a first rate brick0&
"That m$st be lovely!& said Fennela istf$lly0
"Tr$st me! it is!& replied the .ole! "6 cannot too highly
recommend friendly cohabitation ? and of co$rse e share the bills!
FJ
hich is a great advantage ' in addition to the nat$ral 7oys of
propinB$ity0&
"6t so$nds onderf$l!& remarked Fennela! ith a sigh0
"62m s$re yo$r prince ill t$rn $p in d$e co$rse!& said the .ole
helpf$lly0
"That2s hat mother says!& responded Fennela! rather dolef$lly0
The band broke into a l$g$brio$s rendition of 8Fo3y -ady2! and
the dance floor began to fill0 "Do yo$ dance at all9& asked the
rabbit! dem$rely0
"62m afraid 62ve got to left feet!& the .ole bl$shed0 5$t
chivalry demanded that he overcome his trepidation! so he e3tended
his pas and took her on a hirlind to$r of the f$rnit$re0 -ady
Gertr$de beamed at them approvingly from the c&ai)e longue0
Then the 5adger appeared from o$t of the night0 +e shambled
into the ballroom blinking in the brilliant ill$minations0 # very o$t
of breath .ole ca$ght his kindly eye ' and tho$ght that he detected a
hint of am$sement0
"-et me introd$ce yo$ to a very dear old friend!& he said to his
dance partner! panting rather heavily at his recent e3ertions0 Timidly
she folloed him across the room0
5adger beamed benignly at her over the top of his half'moon
glasses0 "Pleased to meet yo$! my dear0& *he bobbed shyly! and
nearly lost her footing0 "Co$ld 6 borro .ole for a moment9& he
enB$ired! "6 7$st need to r$n something past him0&
Fennela as so gratified at the co$rtesy that she had recently
been shon that she merely bl$shed! and so$ght a vantage point
from hich she co$ld en7oy the spectacle of *leepy ,Joe/ Davies
tort$ring his a3e ith a set of false teeth0
5adger dre .ole aside ' altho$gh there as no real need to
hisper in the general h$bb$b0 "We need to keep an eye on Toad!&
he said! "he2s nat$rally $nstable and! altho$gh he as very obliging
after his period of delinB$ency! if 6 may call it that! getting himself
elected to parliament is g$aranteed to go to his head ' and if there2s
one thing that Riverbank does not need it2s an .P ith an electronic
tag attached to his ankle0& The .ole looked at him in some concern0
"6f he starts speechifying and p$ffing himself $p! then e2ll kno
that e2re in tro$ble! so e2ve got to be prepared for the orst0&
"5$t 5adger! he2s 7$st been democratically elected! he2ll have to
make speeches0&
FL
"6nd$bitably!& came the reply! "b$t hat kind of speeches9 The
fact is that from no on he ill need a speechriter! and 6 think that
62m looking at that very animal right no0 <o$2re 7$st the sort of
sensible! don'to'earth fello to keep the lid on this partic$lar bo3
of fireorks0&
The .ole looked tro$bled as he considered 5adger2s ords! b$t
he had never had ca$se to do$bt that solid individ$al2s isdom0
Then it sloly daned on him above the voices! the la$ghter! and
the into3icating m$sic! that this as the very opport$nity that he had
longed for ' to s$btly insert his on more principled agenda into the
message that Toad o$ld shortly be conveying to Westminster ? and
beyond0 # smile parted his hiskers0
"<o$ may have a point there 5adger!& he said very serio$sly!
"and it o$ld be for his on good! o$ldn2t it! as ell as the good
of the co$ntry ? not to say the planet! in a small ay9&
")f co$rse it o$ld!& replied his friend! patting him on the back!
"62d ask Ratty b$t he2s a bit poetical himself! and might give ay to
flights of fancy0 1o! yo$2re the fello for the 7ob0 -eave the details
to me0&
With these ords he as abo$t to leave the .ole! happily
pondering! and sho$lder his ay thro$gh the crod in search of
healthy s$stenance! hen the band came to the end of its n$mber!
and Do$g .ink leapt onto the stage0 +e clinked his glass lo$dly and
a hispering h$sh fell over the room( revellers from other parts of
the +all drifted in0
"6 don2t do ords! 6 do b$siness%& he cried! "and this here recent
election has been a good b$siness! if 6 say it myself ? b$t no let2s
hear from o$r genero$s host! and the star of the night! .r Toad .P
himself%&
P$entin *t John co$ldn2t B$ite hide a certain tightening of the
7a at this! b$t he gracio$sly alloed his glass to be topped $p in
anticipation of a general toast0
Then Toad ' ho had been c$tting rather a fine fig$re on the
dance floor ith *arah *hre ,she had been simply $nable to resist
his gallant terpsichordian advances in the circ$mstances ' and as
forced to admit that the Toad as e3tremely light on his feet! and
alt4ed divinely ' hich as B$ite an achievement given the
cadences of 8Fo3y -ady2 as interpreted by the artistes of 6nter#ctive/
alloed himself to be propelled onto the stage by his admirers0
F=
Ratty ? ho had 7oined them! cl$tching a ell'laden plate! .ole and
5adger! observed these proceedings ith mingled dread and pride0
".y friends!& the Toad began! "thank yo$ all for coming to my
h$mble abode to celebrate this glorio$s occasion0&
"+$mb$g%& gr$nted the 5adger! as the three friends looked at
one another nervo$sly0
"<es!& contin$ed Toad! "this is indeed a night to remember! it is
a tri$mph indeed0 +oever! this is not my tri$mph alone0& 5adger
raised his shaggy eyebros in s$rprise0 "62d like to thank everyone
in the Party ho has orked so hard for this res$ltE -ady Gertr$de ?
ho pers$aded me! very m$ch against my better 7$dgement at the
time ? to offer my modest services to the Conservative ca$se0& 5y
no his three friends of ere beginning to look at him in some
perple3ity! and poor .ole began to see his altr$istic dreams slipping
aay0
"J$dge T$rkey! itho$t hose e3ceptional braininess e co$ld
not possibly have achieved this historic o$tcome! the tireless Do$g
ho contrib$ted so m$ch! E$stace *B$irrel ho groomed me for
high office ' and nearly came a cropper ,la$ghter/! and let $s not
forget G$stave Eel ,ho had! $nfort$nately! been called aay
s$ddenly on $rgent b$siness d$e to an o$tbreak of bird fl$ on one of
his farms/0
5$t this victory does not belong to $s in the Party alone! it
belongs to everyone in Riverbank ho yearns for a better! more
sec$re f$t$re! ho deplores the march of progress and has regretf$l
pangs abo$t thingies in general0 Dear friends! even 6! the orthy
inner of this epic campaign! have had my small differences ith
the la in my salad days! b$t no let $s e3tend the hand of
friendship to the boys in bl$e! and p$t them back on the beat here
they belong rather than interfering ith their betters%& The #ssistant
Chief Constable nodded vigoro$sly as his glass as topped $p( his
driver ho drinking mineral ater as less enth$siastic0 "We ill
concentrate on the things that really matter to all of $sE less potholes!
cleaner! greener ater! better programmes on the telly0 We ill bear
don on the cost of living $ntil it is totally e3ting$ished! e ill p$t
the co$ntryside back on the map here it belongs! and p$t E$rope in
its place ? herever that is%&
"+ear! hear%& cried .ohammed0
G>
Toad raised his pa0 "62d also like to thank my opponents
P$entin *t John and *arah *hre ' and the rest of them hose
names! sadly! escape me ' for r$nning a good clean campaign0 5$t
the race is not alays to the sift ' sometimes the sallos in0 *o
let $s not forget the little people itho$t hom my elevation o$ld
not have been possible0& The centipedes and the caterpillars and
their ilk! e3changed appreciative glances ? for too long they had
been forced to p$t $p ith h$rtf$l epithets like 8lolife2 ' from the
political classes0 "#nd last! b$t by absol$tely no means least! 62d
like to thank my dearest friends in the hole ide orld ? hom 6
spy 7$st over there by the grand piano! and itho$t hom 6 o$ld
not be standing here tonight in my on dear little home ith all of
yo$ b$t! instead! o$ld be cast adrift to the vagaries of an $ncertain
and cr$el orld0 Thank yo$ noble 5adger! valiant .ole! and
thoro$ghly decent Ratty for teaching me hat it means to s$ffer0 #s
a conseB$ence! dear friends ' dare 6 say constit$ents9 6 share yo$r
pain0 Th$s it is that 6 bring my baggage to yo$ all and lay it at yo$r
feet for yo$ to scoff at if yo$ ill! b$t 6 promise yo$ this ' that given
half a chance 62ll hisk it $p to -ondon and give them hat for! in
no $ncertain terms ? on yo$r behalf! of co$rse0&

-ittle did the bem$sed 5adger and his companions kno it! b$t
the Toad had been keeping a ca$tio$s eather eye on them as he
delivered his speech! for fear that they might yet thart him in his
startling ne career ,for his on good they might assert! b$t all the
same! didn2t a fello have the right to spread his ings and fly! once
in a hile9 #nd opport$nities like this ere rare as hen2s teeth/0
5$t his fears proved gro$ndless0 +is friends ere str$ck d$mb0

"*o let $s raise o$r glasses and drink to all o, u)%& 6nstead the room
echoed to th$ndero$s appla$se! and cries of "Toad! Toad! Toad%&
G;
Chapter Seven
#fter all this tremendo$s e3citement! and to recover his vigo$r
after hat had been a to$gh campaign ? especially for a Toad not
over'fond of e3ertion ? he took himself off for a ell'earned break
in 5ognor Regis0 6t as here in the five star :;tel du Bugger
Bognor ,p$rported to be the dying ords of Ming George :/ that!
beteen gentle strolls along the promenade p$nct$ated by agreeable
meals! and fish and chips! his tho$ghts began to t$rn on riting his
memoirs0 +e realised that history o$ld cherish an acco$nt of his
achievements ' and he anted to get his version in first! before he
began his ascent in p$blic life0 To this end he p$rchased an
e3pensive comp$ter! b$t try as he might he fo$nd the keyboard very
$ncooperative ' and prone to making silly mistakes0 6t as clear that
he o$ld need a personal assistant and! ideally! one ho co$ld type0
+e p$t s$ch tho$ghts o$t of his mind for the moment! and
concentrated on en7oying his holiday0 5$t even tho$gh the *tate
opening of Parliament as! $n$s$ally! not sched$led this year $ntil
the beginning of December! the long s$mmer recess as fast
draing to a close0 :ery soon he o$ld have to spend a
considerable portion of his time in -ondon! and altho$gh he as a
sto$t'hearted beast it as a da$nting prospect0 +e asn2t really s$re
here to start0 )bvio$sly! he2d need somehere to lay his head! b$t
he co$ld manage ith B$ite a small residence0 #s long as he had a
bedroom for himself! and of co$rse one for Jaro4lav ? itho$t hom
he simply co$ld not manage! if he as going to entertain! on any
scale at all ' the infl$ential friends that he as abo$t to make0 *o
he2d need a draing room! and a dining room! and that meant a
bedroom for his cook ? and she as very partic$lar abo$t hat she
reB$ired in a kitchen ' Ethel co$ldn2t bear to be restricted0 #nd then
Derek o$ld simply never forgive him ere he not alloed to
accompany them to -ondon0 +e as simply passionate abo$t
bo$tiB$es! and constantly fr$strated by the shopping facilities in
Riverbank0 6n any case! his sartorial flair o$ld be essential if Toad
as to c$t a dash in fashionable -ondon0 Then! of co$rse! he o$ld
need a st$dy! and an office in hich to do important things ' like
b$44ing his P0#0 on the intercom0 +e asn2t B$ite s$re if the
GA
personal assistant o$ld live'in or not! b$t he had to allo for that
contingency and then! of co$rse! he2d need a co$ple of spare rooms
for ch$ms $p visiting from the co$ntryside0 +e tried to add all this
$p on his pas b$t got in a bit of a m$ddle! he2d have to talk it over
ith J$lian hen he got back to Toad +all0 #part from that! as long
as his little %ied5<5terre as in strolling distance of the +o$ses of
Parliament ' so that he co$ld keep his fig$re in trim! he2d be
reasonably content0
When he got back to Riverbank he promptly arranged to meet
$p ith J$lian in the estate office! even tho$gh it asn2t a Th$rsday0
J$lian! a tall disting$ished'looking man ith hair premat$rely
greying at the temples! greeted his employer s$avely0 +e had spent
some years ith the Foreign )ffice ? chiefly in 5elar$s ? so the
Toad held no terrors for him0 6ndeed! there asn2t m$ch B$estion
abo$t hich of them had the $pper hand0 *o long as Toad didn2t
interfere too m$ch! J$lian as happy to ind$lge his hims from time
to time0
"62m a little bit orried abo$t $prooting myself and going to
-ondon!& said Toad! "do yo$ think yo$2ll be able to manage itho$t
me9&
"We2ll 7$st have to do o$r very best!& J$lian replied! "and if e
get really st$ck! e can alays rite to yo$0&
"<es! 6 s$ppose so!& said Toad $ncertainly! "b$t there2s another
thing! 62ll have to rent some digs in ton! and 62ve never really lived
anyhere b$t here0&
"+mm!& J$lian considered! "62m ondering hether it o$ld be
ise to rent! .r Toad0 From a ta3 point of vie! it2s very
inefficient0 1o! sho$ld yo$ choose to b$y o$tright! that o$ld be a
so$nd capital investment ? especially given the c$rrent state of the
market0 +oever! it might! instead! be orth taking o$t a mortgage
in this instance! since yo$ co$ld claim the cost ? it being yo$r
essential second home ' against yo$r parliamentary e3penses! and! at
the same time! 6 believe! offset the interest payments against ta3! in
addition! the cost of ref$rbishment and fittings co$ld be! at least in
part! offset against yo$r alloance0& 5$t the Toad2s eyelids ere
drooping! b$siness talk alays made him nod off0
"Well! if that2s the done thing9& he heard himself saying0
GD
"6t is!& replied J$lian smoothly0 They then disc$ssed Toad2s
modest domestic reB$irements0 J$lian made caref$l notes in his
.oleskine notebook0 "<o$ leave this to me! .r Toad!& he said at
length0 "62ll get onto *avages right aay0&
There as still the matter of his memoirs! and the personal
assistant0 +e rambled back to the +all thro$gh the orchard0 The
so$r seet smell of m$lched indfalls ' cr$shed in the rank grass '
scented the air! and the perennial insects p$rs$ed their single'minded
p$rposes0 Toad made his ay thro$gh the familiar trees ? each one
of them a friend of long standing0 +e passed thro$gh them in deep
reflection! his pas b$ried in the pockets of his ancient 5$rberry0 6t
o$ld be very hard to tear himself aay from these familiar ha$nts0
Waiting for him in the library as none other than the .ole
himself0 The sight of him cheered the brooding Toad immensely0
"What a onderf$l s$rprise%& he cried! "6 co$ldn2t have ished for
anything more than to see s$ch a dear old friend0 The tr$th is!
.oley! that! despite everything! 62m feeling rather gl$m0&
"Well! it2s a lot to take on board!& said the .ole kindly0
Jaro4lav appeared! as tho$gh from thin air0 ".ay 6 get yo$
some refreshments! sir9& he enB$ired0
"That2s a terrific idea%& replied the despondent Toad! "# pot of
tea! some scones and cream ? and a fe cr$mpets ? b$ttered mind!
62m not in the mood for margarine%&
":ery good! sir!& said the b$tler! ithdraing0
.ole regarded his friend sympathetically! and then he
remembered the p$rpose of his visit0 "6 say Toad! did yo$ get my e'
mail9&
"6 don2t kno!& said Toad! "6 can2t ork the beastly thing0&
They sat in silence for a hile0 Toad stared into the fire ' the
evening as chilly0
"6t asn2t terribly important!& said the .ole gently! "it as 7$st
abo$t the tombola( e ere rather hoping yo$ co$ld give o$t the
pri4es9&
"<es! 6 s$ppose so b$t! frankly! 62m all at sea at the moment0 6
have to go to -ondon and take $p my seat and! 7$st beteen yo$ and
me! it2s a bit alarming ' hat ith all the knifings! and the bombs
and everything0&
GF
"6 don2t think it2s as bad as all that%& said the .ole! la$ghing0
5$t the Toad retreated into silence0 Jaro4lav ret$rned ith the tea
things! and set the tray don beteen them0
"D6ie,-u7e!& said Toad absently0 "2ro)6e!& came the rehearsed
response as the b$tler e3ited0 The to animals stared at the tea tray0
"+elp yo$rself!& said Toad dolef$lly0
"1o b$ck $p! old chap! it2s not going to be as bad as all that0
Why think of the theatres! the sights and the resta$rants ? and yo$2ll
be able to come home at eekends! and don2t forget that .P2s have
holidays coming o$t of their ears0& .ole did his best to point o$t the
bright side of going $p to -ondon0
Toad bit morosely into a cr$mpet! b$t the taste of the b$tter gave
him fresh heart! and s$dden inspiration0
"6 say! .ole!& he asked! "are yo$ any good ith these retched
comp$ters9&
1o in order to f$rther his personal cr$sade against the enemies
of .other 1at$re! .ole had st$died that very s$b7ect thro$gh a
government'sponsored scheme that provided fle3ible! online career
development training for ad$lts! via the internet0 +e as the pro$d
holder of a E$ropean Comp$ter Driving -icence ' recognised
thro$gho$t the EC ? hich he no ithdre from his allet and
presented to Toad ith a flo$rish0 Toad as impressed0
"6 say! yo$ are a dark horse!& he said0 They both sipped their
tea0 "+o o$ld yo$ feel abo$t coming ith me and helping me
o$t ith that sort of thing9& he asked plaintively0
The prospect of leaving the river bank and Ratty came as an
e3treme shock to the .ole! b$t ever since 5adger had planted the
seed in his mind of keeping Toad in check! he had rather regretted
losing the opport$nity of f$rthering his on deeply held convictions0
*o he did not dismiss the s$ggestion o$t of hand! b$t he did have
reservations0
"62d have to come back reg$larly to keep an eye on Ratty! he2s
hopeless abo$t sell'by'dates! and he still hasn2t mastered the
ashing machine0
"Well! it2s like yo$ said! yo$ can come back every eekend '
and spend all those long! la4y holidays in dear old Riverbank0&
"5$t the trains are r$ino$sly e3pensive! and 6 believe yo$ don2t
even get a seat for yo$r money0&
"6f yo$2re orking for me! yo$2ll travel first class0&
GG
"6 co$ldn2t possibly ork for yo$! 6 can2t take yo$r money%&
e3claimed the .ole indignantly0 +e as gen$inely offended0
"5$t .oley! 62m going to need someone to do all those clever
things and generally help me find my aro$nd0 <o$ kno hat a
d$ffer 6 am! knoing me 62ll probably vote for all the rong things!&
he said piteo$sly0 "62d rather give a salary to yo$ than to a stranger0
#nd 6 can2t think of anybody better B$alified to stop me being a
ch$mp0& These honest! heartfelt! h$mble ords began to melt the
.ole2s faltering resistance0
"6 don2t kno m$ch abo$t the orld0 )h .ole! 62d be so
terribly obliged%&
The .ole considered0 The fact as that he and Ratty co$ld $se
the e3tra income ' perhaps they co$ld even re'engage .rs
Witherspoon ' hich o$ld set his mind at rest if he did decide to
take $p Toad2s offer and leave the Water Rat to fend for himself in
large part0
"62ll have to talk it over ith Ratty!& he said! helping himself to
a scone ' onto hich he heaped a moderate amo$nt of cream0
+oever! deep in his heart he as already resolved to embark
on this great $ndertaking! for he had never gone beyond his native
oods and meados! into the Wide World that Ratty had arned
him against all those years ago0 # great deal of ater had drifted
thro$gh the illos since then! and the .ole had alays secretly
hankered for advent$re0 +is sno$t tingled at the prospect0 For his
part! Toad had imagined someone rather more leggy as his personal
assistant! b$t no! on the eve of translating himself to the Great Wen
? as his father had alays referred to -ondon ,Toad asn2t B$ite
s$re hat a Wen as! b$t s$spected that it as nasty/ ' he as 7$st
h$gely relieved to be taking ith him an animal as brave! sensible!
dependable ' and s$rprisingly ell B$alified ' as the .ole( and best
of all! he as one of the Toad2s oldest friends0 The recently elected
member for Riverbank as already s$fficiently politically aare to
realise that he o$ld need good friends here he as going0
#s the .ole sec$red the little skiff at the landing stage! his
tho$ghts ere rather sombre ? despite the e3citement of possibly
being on the brink of e3ploring the metropolis0 +e as an3io$s that
the Water Rat might try to talk him o$t of it and! at the same time! he
GI
didn2t ant to leave his friend in the l$rch after so many years of
harmonio$s co'e3istence0 +e need not have orried0 When he
nervo$sly broached the s$b7ect after s$pper the Rat as all for it0
"6t2s 7$st the ticket! old fello0 That Toad ill need keeping an
eye on! and 6 can2t think of anybody better than yo$ to do it ? and
62m s$re that 5adger o$ld agree ,hich he did hole'heartedly
hen s$bseB$ently informed ? for he had already gone to earth for
the inter/0 1o! yo$ go ahead .ole0 62m s$re it ill do yo$ good to
get o$t of this st$ffy little place and see the orld( and! after all! yo$
and Toad both have a passion for politics0 #s for me! 62ll have more
time to rite! and! as yo$ say! yo$2ll be to'and'fro like a eaver2s
sh$ttle0& .ole s$spected that Ratty as only saying all this to
bolster his morale b$t! nonetheless! he as gratef$l0
"5$t ho ill yo$ manage ith shopping! and cooking! and the
ho$seork9&
"5less yo$!& said the Water Rat! la$ghing! "6 kno ho to fry
an egg! and 6 managed someho $ntil yo$ came along0&
"6 s$ppose so!& said the .ole do$btf$lly! "b$t ill yo$
remember abo$t separating the r$bbish ? e don2t ant to get fined
again9&
"Why don2t yo$ leave me some instr$ctions if it ill make yo$
feel any better9&
"<o$ really think yo$2ll be alright9&
")f co$rse 6 ill! and 6 don2t mind taking Toad2s money even if
yo$ do0 +e2d only fritter it aay0 6n the old days he as rich! b$t he
asn2t a millionaire0 5$t no ith the price of land! EC s$bsidies!
the orld shortage of heat ' and the rapacio$s J$lian to take care of
it all for him ' hy he2s got more money than sense ' and he never
had m$ch of that0&
"6 s$ppose yo$2re right! b$t all the sameH&
"#ll the same nothing! it o$ld be a great relief to me to rene
o$r arrangement ith .rs Witherspoon0 With her coming in tice a
eek e co$ld finally get on top of the ironing0 6 can2t make head
or tail of the d$vet covers0&
"<o$ are a good! kind friend dear Ratty! and 6 don2t deserve
yo$!& sniffed the .ole! br$shing aay a tear0 "*t$ff and nonsense%&
cried the Water Rat! tactf$lly pretending not to notice! as he tossed
another log onto the fire0
GJ
The very ne3t day *avages e'mailed J$lian the details of a
property they deemed s$itable ,hich is to say that they tho$ght
their likely commission o$ld s$it them/0 J$lian travelled $p to
ton to vie it! and came back to anno$nce that the premises met
ith Toad2s stip$lations ? and in J$lian2s vie made a reasonable
investment hich optimised the yield from Toad2s parliamentary
alloance0 #ccordingly! and ith the *tate )pening of Parliament
impending! the Toad and the .ole took advantage of the :irgin
service to -ondon0 1at$rally they travelled first class0 They had
acres of leg'room and the carriage to themselves0
"6 really don2t $nderstand hy all those other fellos choose to
cram into the rest of the train!& said Toad! "perhaps they 7$st en7oy
the company9&
From Paddington they took a ta3i to *t James2s *B$are here
the accommodation as located0 6t as a pleasant! do$ble'fronted
Georgian ton ho$se on five floors ith a bi7o$ leaded portico
approached $p a short flight of steps! and s$pported on 6onic
col$mns0 The top floor as gabled and fronted by an elegant stone
bal$strade0 To the rear there as a scrap of garden 7$st s$fficient to
accommodate a bit of lan! a fe mat$re trees ? incl$ding an
ancient m$lberry! a rockery incorporating a soothing ater feat$re!
and a tennis co$rt0 # long terrace of Portland stone ran don the
length of the rear elevation! and as accessed thro$gh fo$r
eB$idistant French indos ' hich pierced a h$ge isteria that
cl$ng to the time'melloed bricks0 #s some compensation for this
relative confinement ' for animals $sed! after all! to having the r$n of
open co$ntryside! the garden in the sB$are itself as not $npleasant '
offering a genero$s e3panse of grass shaded by mighty -ondon
Plane trees! and ith agreeable benches $pon hich to rest the
eary frame0 6n the centre of it all! $pon a plinth! stood a large
bron4e stat$e of somebody called G$lielm$s 666! on a horse0
")h my! oh my%& cried the .ole! clasping his pas together!
"b$t can yo$ really afford all this! Toad9&
"J$lian seems to think so!& Toad replied! "and 6 don2t think it2s
that many millions0&
#nd so it as settled ' s$b7ect to the approval of the domestic
staff0 Derek drove them $p in his Clio0 +e didn2t like the look of
the lan! and said that it needed a merciless raking ' b$t as
GL
otherise enth$siastic0 Jaro4lav tho$ght it o$ld do very ell! and
rather en7oyed the prospect of having his on dressing room and en
)uite bathroom0 Even Ethel declared that she as satisfied0
The best thing abo$t it! from Toad2s point of vie! as that he
o$ld be able to stroll thro$gh *t James2s Park to the +o$se of
Commons0 )f co$rse! the ho$se as $nf$rnished ? and comprised
rather a lot of empty rooms0 .ole! mindf$l of the general e3pense!
and an3io$s to c$rb the spendthrift tendencies of his friend! pressed
the 6kea catalog$e into his pas0 Cnfort$nately! the Toad as not
overhelmed by the contents! and as deeply s$spicio$s of the
hole concept of the flatpack0 Derek! in the meanhile! as
promoting the merits of hat he called! 8shabby chic2 and pers$aded
the Toad and the .ole to accompany him to an a$ction in -ots
Road! Chelsea ? hich also gave him a chance to have a sniff of the
Mings Road and World2s End0 6n the a$ction! $nder Derek2s
7$dicio$s g$idance ' and even .ole had to agree at a very good price
' they sec$red a large 7ob lot hich had come from the clearance of a
:ictorian Rectory in P$tney hich as being redeveloped into flats0
This got them off to a flying start and! ith the bit no firmly
beteen his teeth! Derek $ndertook to complete the f$rnishing of
their ne residence in *t James2s *B$are! -ondon *W;0
G=
Chapter Eight
There asn2t m$ch time for Toad and .ole to get acB$ainted
ith their ne s$rro$ndings0 Parliament as abo$t to assemble! so
it as very important that they sho$ld make the best possible $se of
their time( Toad partic$larly en7oyed the -ondon Eye0 From the
stylish glass pod hen it reached the 4enith of its orbit! he as able
to ga4e don $pon the hole of the Palace of Westminster ' that he
as s$rely abo$t to leave an indelible mark $pon ? laid o$t in all its
gothic ma7esty beside the Thames0 .ole! on the other hand! fo$nd
the hole e3perience thoro$ghly disagreeable and felt B$ite sick0
+e as! after all! innately an earth deller0 +e cl$tched the handrail
very tightly! and it as only an ac$te aareness of the need for
dignity in the presence of a party of Ckrainian schoolchildren! that
enabled him to keep his eyes open ? very slightly0
.ole as also e3tremely an3io$s! being the conscientio$s
creat$re that he as! to get don to the serio$s b$siness of preparing
for the looming session of Parliament! and he as keen that Toad
make a good first impression0
To that end there ere a h$ndred and one things to think abo$t0
While Toad per$sed the racing pages and en7oyed l$nches at the
*avoy! the .ole decided to set $p the nerve centre of the operation
in *t James2s *B$are! knoing ho limited for office space the
Commons as! and taking advantage of their home2s pro3imity to
the seat of poer0 +e! therefore! needed to assemble the necessary
eB$ipmentE 8phones! fa3es! photocopiers and the like and! of co$rse!
comp$ters ' and there as precio$s little time0 They o$ld need a
fast broadband link and a ebsite0 +e bravely took himself off to the
Tottenham Co$rt Road! determined to compare prices and get the
best possible deal on Toad2s behalf0
+e fo$nd the hole e3perience B$ite e3ha$sting0 6t as not
alays easy to pers$ade the honest shopkeepers that he o$ld ret$rn
in d$e co$rse ' once he had completed his researches! if satisfied that
their partic$lar offer as the most competitive0 *o keen ere they
to assist him! that they co$ld be very pressing and! altho$gh he held
I>
a E$ropean Comp$ter Driving -icense! even he got rather fl$stered
by talk of Core A P$ad Processors! and the like0 5y the time poor
.ole got back to *t James2s *B$are! he had very sore feet ,he as
B$ite determined to alk everyhere once he discovered the cost of
p$blic transport! and considered that the price of a eekly oyster
card o$ld pay for .rs Witherspoon/0 5$t he as a little o$t of
sorts by the time that he got home! especially hen he fo$nd Toad
ith his feet $p in his ne st$dy having done nothing all afternoon
b$t st$dy the form of a filly by the name of R$by2s R$in that he as
considering investing in the folloing day at +aydock Park0
There as also the essential B$estion of ho to present Toad2s
$niB$e selling points in the most flattering possible light! if he as
going to come to the attention of the *peaker and the Front 5ench0
Derek as! therefore! prised from the antiB$e dealers2 arms ? ith
some diffic$lty ? and despatched to proc$re a fresh ardrobe for the
Toad( one that spoke of $nderstated distinction! of B$iet good taste '
b$t ith a dash of flamboyance and daring! a look that hinted at the
infl$ence of old money ' b$t ith a contemporary tist0 The ties
ere partic$larly ve3ing altho$gh! in Derek2s opinion! the
competition in this area among Toad2s colleag$es as not very stiff0
*ocks ere cr$cial of co$rse! and red ones ' so idely favo$red
in the media! and by members of the diplomatic service! ere
considered rather v$lgar by Derek0 6n the important matter of
$nderear he favo$red lycra briefs! b$t Toad as adamant on this
point and cl$ng st$bbornly to his bo3er shorts0 +oever! in hat
seemed like a hirlind to the harassed Toad! the ne sophisticated!
$rban look came together! itho$t too m$ch ranco$r ? altho$gh
hen Derek came back ith a +ermes bag packed ith moist$risers!
e3B$isite colognes! and vario$s other $ng$ents hich he e3plained
ere reB$ired of the modern metrose3$al! Toad gre B$ite militant0
#t the same time! .ole as making notes for Toad2s maiden
speech! s$btle points that he co$ld slip in hen he came to the final
draft ' beca$se he kne that his friend as in to minds abo$t
almost everything! despite having very strong opinions abo$t them
all0
I;
#ltho$gh the 1ational +$nt season as already ell advanced
ith all its pressing concerns! .ole prevailed $pon the Toad to
attend the first informal day of Parliament0 Together they alked
thro$gh *t James2s Park! rather relishing the early inter chill and
the t$mbling leaves! in their ne ool and cashmere mi3 overcoats
,hich Derek had e3plained! h$ng better than p$re cashmere! ere
more d$rable! and provided enhanced protection from the rain/0
.ole had accepted his as a gift ' rather rel$ctantly ' on the gro$nds
that it o$ld only h$rt the genero$s Toad2s feelings to ref$se! and
there as no denying that that animal co$ld ell afford it0
Witho$t .ole2s g$idance! Toad o$ld s$rely have got lost
beca$se he kept taking the rong t$rning o$t of the sB$are and
ending $p in a rather grand c$l'de'sac! in hich as t$cked aay a
stat$e of the notable Frenchman! Charles de Ga$lle! e3ec$ted in the
modern style ' ith his t$nic in the grip of an invisible ind0 5$t
ith .ole in charge of navigation! they proceeded s$ccessf$lly
toards the bridge that spanned the lake in the park0 )n their ay
they had to p$t $p ith a good deal of ribbing from some Canada
Geese that ere patrolling the grass verge of the ater! and rather
b$llying the d$cks0 The geese ere scornf$l of s$ch prospero$s'
looking animals as the Toad and his companion coming on to their
ell'trampled patch itho$t so m$ch as a bisc$it in the pockets of
their brand ne finery0
The member for Riverbank and his personal assistant ere
acc$stomed to s$ch cheek from the ater fol at home! so they gave
as good as they got0 +oever! sailing o$t from behind a heap of
green bo$lders! appeared a pair of B$ite e3traordinary birds! the like
of hich they had never seen0 They pa$sed to onder at the
pl$mage ' as snoy as a san2s ' b$t hat as really arresting as
the sight of their enormo$s bills hich might have entertained a
yo$ng pike0 "6 say! yo$ fellos%& sho$ted the Toad! "hat are yo$
to $p to and hat do yo$ call yo$rselves hen yo$2re at home! if
yo$ don2t mind my asking9& The birds t$rned their heads and shook
o$t their ings in response to this intr$sion on their privacy0 The
larger of the to opened his imposing beak! and $ttered something
that they fo$nd very hard to $nderstand! b$t they tho$ght they
picked o$t the ord 8pills20 "62m sorry to hear it!& cried the Toad!
IA
"62ll take the matter all the ay to the top! if necessary ? 62m an
+ono$rable .ember%& The pelicans looked at one another in some
perple3ity0 Then they nodded sagely! and contin$ed on their ay0
They reached Parliament *B$are0 *oaring above the grinding
traffic stood 5ig 5en( as they made their ay toards the .ember2s
Entrance! it chimed the ho$r in ten sonoro$s tones0 "6 say! .oley!&
the Toad protested! "it2s retchedly early0&
"6t on2t alays be this bad!& the .ole said soothingly0 "They
don2t generally start $ntil half past to0 Don2t forget it2s the first
day of the ne Parliament! and yo$2re a ne member and haven2t
been sorn in yet! so there are masses of things to attend to before
the formal session begins after the P$een2s *peech0 62ve got the
ind$ction pack right here in my satchel! e2ll go thro$gh it once
e2ve reported to the *er7eant'at'#rms office or! as 6 think that it2s
regrettably no knon! the Reso$rces )ffice! anyay! e2ll soon
find o$t0 #h! e tamper ith tradition at o$r peril0 #ll the same!
it2s going to be terribly e3citing hy! ith l$ck! e2ll be allocated
an office! and then of co$rse later! there ill be the searing'in%&
"62m not s$rprised!& said Toad! mo$rnf$lly0
There ere policemen in ab$ndance0 Even he! Toad! in his
glory days as the Terror of the +ighays! o$ld not have dared to
cheek these ones ? bristling as they ere ith g$ns ' b$t hen .ole
e3plained the nat$re of the b$siness that the to animals ere
embarked $pon! the armed constab$lary let them pass! itho$t
$nd$e s$spicion0 #nd then even the ne member for Riverbank
brightened as they entered the overhelming splendo$r of the
interior ith its imposing stat$es of petrified former Prime
.inisters! ornate ceilings and general sense of somnamb$lant
p$rpose0 The Toad and the .ole made their ay! ith many helpf$l
directions from men hom Toad took to be disting$ished aiters '
b$t in fact served the *er7eant'at'#rms ' to the Reso$rces )ffice
,only to find that the *er7eant'at'#rms indeed had his on/ to report!
and be vetted ,hich Toad fo$nd frankly ins$lting/! b$t it as! after
all! Toad2s first day0
They ere not alone0 There ere another IFG members! .ole
e3plained! ,altho$gh there ere only FDJ seats altogether in the
ID
Chamber/ hich Toad fo$nd very orrying0 Cnder no
circ$mstances as he prepared to contemplate standing for any
length of time! so it as absol$tely vital that he sho$ld bagsy his seat
immediately0 5efore that! hoever! there as this tiresome b$siness
of getting ind$cted ? hatever that meant ? altho$gh he as s$re he
co$ld leave that to the capable .ole and get on ith making ne
ch$ms and doing hat he came $p to -ondon to do! to make his
mark on the government of this land.
While Toad2s tho$ghts began increasingly to t$rn to the poer
and the glory accorded an .P! the .ole B$ickly regained his
eb$llience0 "The marvello$s thing is! Toady! that e2re only a hop
and a skip from here across the park! so 62m s$re that! in the
meantime! e can manage nearly all the constit$ency ork from
there0&
"Constit$ency ork9& said Toad s$spicio$sly0 ")h! don2t orry
yo$rself ith all that for no!& inter7ected the .ole hastily! "leave it
all to me0 # lot of it can be done virt$ally0&
"That2s good!& said the Toad ith evident relief! even if there
as obvio$sly more graft to this .P b$siness than he had originally
tho$ght! he kne he co$ld safely leave it in .ole2s capable pas.
#t that moment ? and not a second too soon in his opinion ? a
handsomely $niformed attendant appeared at their side and enB$ired
as to hether or not the gentlemen o$ld care to take some
refreshments0 "6 o$ldn2t say no to a c$p of coffee!& said the .ole!
gratef$lly0
"5etter make that a pot% )h! and hile yo$2re abo$t it! half a
do4en ro$nds of thick'c$t! cr$sty hite bread! toasted and dripping
ith b$tter mind ? not margarine ' o$ldn2t go amiss! there2s a good
fello!& added the Toad amiably! his spirits lifting at the prospect! as
the silver'haired servant of Westminster ,ho had been there for
longer than all b$t the most hardened .embers! and had seen
generations of the nely elected come and go ' departed ith barely
a titch of his $pper lip/0 The time beteen his depart$re and ret$rn
seemed like an eternity to the famished Toad ? ho hadn2t had a
thing since breakfast0 6n the meantime! .ole tried to interest him in
the contents of the elcome pack! and the a$dio'vis$al facilities and
similar matters! and the role of the *peaker ? ho Toad reflected
bitterly! seemed to have the comfiest chair in the +o$se! altho$gh he
IF
didn2t speak m$ch0 5$t tr$ly his attention as elsehere! and ith
the sands of time r$nning o$t on his r$mbling t$mmy! he co$ld have
h$gged the attendant hen he ret$rned ith their essential reB$isites0
"<o$2re a life saver! old man%& he cried! "do yo$ have a name9&
".arshall!& he replied in a slight *cots2 b$rr! raising his chin0
"Well my name2s Toad! and this is my partic$lar friend and
colleag$e! .ole%& +e co$ld restrain himself no longer! and sei4ed a
piece of dripping toast0 "J$st let me kno if there2s anything 6 can
do for yo$ gentlemen! 6 like to think 6 kno my ay aro$nd a bit0&
+e as the first person they had met so far in the Palace of
Westminster ho made any sense at all
")h! and by the ay gentlemen!& he concl$ded! "smoking is not
permitted0 +oever! sn$ff is available ' at the ta3payer2s e3pense!
from the doorkeeper2s bo3 at the entrance to the Chamber! and has
been ever since ;I=D0&
"Well! that2s good to kno!& said Toad ho had yet to discover
sn$ff as a vice being more of a cigar man0
1eed some more discovering Westminster in here9 Toad
andering off to e3plore leaving .ole to find o$t ho to do
everything and the paperork9 Toad discovering the bars hich
co$ld be a latest cra4y and a good reason for Toad disappearing in
the ho$se hen .ole needs him to do .P things9
Ie. When they had finished their reviving snack, Mole picked
up his file of papers again and looked at Toad “we’ve got a lot to
get through today sorting out when you’re going to get sworn in
and where we can set up a little office in these buildings or
aybe in that one across the street! “
“Well, you don’t need e to do all that Moley" It’s far ore
your cup of tea than ine and besides what do I know about
offices and that sort of thing, that’s what I’ve hired you for#$
Toad looked appealing at Mole and waved a leaflet he had
picked up fro the pile of inforation that Mole had aassed
“everyone knows that the real business of politics is done in the
bars over a good cup of grog and in the restaurants over
dinner! I’ off to find out the best places to go so I can do y
%ob properly#$ and with that Toad stood up, straightened his
waistcoat aking sure his &randfather’s watchchair was
proinently displayed and bounded off in the direction of a long
IG
corridor a faint “see you back here later..$ floating in his
wake.'() *with a little rewriting+
,-.TI./IT' I))/(
"What a day%& m$rm$red the .ole having finally established
that Toad o$ld be sorn in as an .P on the folloing .onday
hich gave him plenty of time to coach him in hat to say and do at
the ceremony! "hat a privilege! dear Toad! to be alking in the
footsteps of all those great people0 -et $s aspire to stand $pon their
sho$lders! and add o$r on trifling brick to the toering edifice of
civili4ation! so painstakingly erected thro$gh the cent$ries%&
"<o$ do talk the most infernal rot sometimes!& said Toad! "b$t 6
m$st admit that it hasn2t been a completely asted day! hat kind of
sn$ff do yo$ think they have in that bo3 by the door9&
II
Chapter Nine
They ere very glad to get back to the armth and comfort of
their home ' especially .ole ho as B$ite tired from the effort of
tracking Toad don in a little bar that had been hidden aay at the
top of several flights of ancient stairs and then having to pers$ade
that creat$re to say goodbye to his ne friends and come home ith
him! if Toad had had his ay he o$ld have stayed there alnight and
heaven knos hat that o$ld have led to b$t! today2s Toad as a
far more sensible animal than before and he had aved a cheery 8see
yo$ later2 at his ne ch$ms and t$rned his attention to .ole asking
ho 8that beastly paperork2 had gone and did they 8have a room to
call o$r on2 yet0
The little domestic l$3$ries ere being daily a$gmented by the
faithf$l Derek ho as! Jaro4lav informed them as he took their
coats! ,they had not yet s$cceeded in finding a s$itable footman/
c$eing $p the balls in the billiard room0 They repaired to the sitting
room! hich as already half'f$rnished ith mediaeval tapestries!
and one or to more contemporary Pre'Raphaelite tablea$3! and
here a very convincing coal effect gas fire as creating a merry
scene ? b$t not m$ch armth0 They sank gratef$lly into their
shabby chic cl$b chairs and shook off their shoes to allo their
sollen feet to recover from all that ed$cation0 )nce he had got his
breath back s$fficiently to order a plate of cr$mpets and some
scones ' and one or to of Ethel2s home made rock cakes! Toad
began to rela30
.ole sank gratef$lly into a shabby chic cl$b chair and shook off
his shoes to allo his sollen feet to recover from all that alking
hile Toad ordered a plate of cr$mpets and some scones! as ell as
one or to of Ethels2s rock cakes that he kne his friend liked so
m$ch0
"6 say! .oley! this being an .P thing is alright! apart from the
getting $p early 6 think 62m going to en7oy it%&
"<o$2ll soon get the hang of it!& said the .ole an3io$sly! "yo$
haven2t even been sorn in yet! and once yo$ really get yo$r teeth
st$ck into the b$rning iss$es of the day! hy yo$2ll have to be
dragged aay kicking and screaming! 6 sho$ldn2t onder ' and don2t
IJ
forget that 62ll be right beside yo$ every step of the ay! and in a
co$ple of eeks e2ll have the best part of a month off! and can go
back to dear old Riverbank hen Parliament is prorogated for
Christmas ,6 think that2s the right term! b$t 62m not B$ite s$re yet/
62ll have to ask .arshall in the morning0
"Do yo$ mean to say that e have to go in tomorro as ell%&
protested Toad! "6 need a day in bed after that lot%&
"Don2t carry on so old fello ? it2s only paperork and sorting
o$t o$r office space! 6 can go in and do that on my on if yo$ like9&
The .ole reass$red Toad0
"+mph%& gr$nted the Toad! b$t l$ckily the tea things arrived at
that moment ' hich saved the .ole from having to reason f$rther
ith his friend0 Toad promptly fell $pon them ith g$sto0 With his
mo$th f$ll of b$ttered cr$mpet that noble animal presented less of a
threat to democracy! .ole reflected0
+oever! having orked $p a healthy appetite in the billiard
room ith Derek! and m$ch mollified by the e3cellent dinner
provided by Ethel ' hich he ro$nded off ith a peck at the cheese
board and the best part of a decanter of port! the Toad as in
e3cellent h$mo$r and! after flicking thro$gh several h$ndred T0:0
channels! and finding nothing orth atching! they retired sleepily
to bed ' the Toad B$ite reconciled to his ne career in politics0 +e
slept like the proverbial log b$t his dreams ere p$nct$ated by
images of gold and green( of stone and red! of spires and clocks! of
corridors and spikes! of tall forbidding men in black tails and
starched hite ties! and he dreamt of severed heads ' b$t most of all
he dreamt of endless stairs b$t! most of all he dreamt of the alk
thro$gh the park and the ne people he had met and the e3citement
of his ne life in -ondon0 ,might e3pand slightly/
The ne3t morning a brilliant intry s$n as flooding the sB$are
ith light hen Toad as ro$sed by tea bro$ght to him in bed $pon
a tray! together ith the *acing 2o)t! by Jaro4lav ' ho then dre
back the c$rtains to let the s$nlight stream into the room0 Toad
groaned before t$rning over to prolong the l$3$ry of sleep0 ".r
.ole is aaiting yo$ in the office! sir!& said the b$tler discreetly!
"he has already breakfasted0 *hall 6 order cook to prepare yo$rs9&
The Toad sat $p ith another! yet more lamentable groan! and
IL
r$bbed his eyes0 "What time is it9& he asked gr$mpily0 "+alf past
eight! sir!& came the reply0 "1o this is really going too bally far%&
e3post$lated the Toad! "it2s B$ite beyond a 7oke0 Please convey my
compliments to .r .ole! and tell him that 62ll see him hen 62m
7olly ell good and ready! and not a moment before% )h! and hile
yo$2re abo$t it! yo$ had better give Ethel the nod abo$t breakfast( 6
think 62ll start ith porridge this morning! and 6 might 7$st sB$ee4e
in a sa$sage!& he added! brightening at the prospect0 "These dan
starts do give a chap a positive attit$de to food! 6 m$st say0&
":ery good! sir! 6 shall convey yo$r reB$irements to cook! and 6
am s$re that she ill not stint yo$0&
#fter a B$ick soak in the bath ? a bare tenty'five min$tes! if
that! Derek as s$mmoned to attend him at his toilette0 The brany
$nder'gardener'c$m'valet! picked o$t a grey till teed s$it ith
7$st a thread of magenta! a lavender shirt and opal c$fflinks! tan half'
brog$es ,hand'crafted in 1orthampton! of co$rse!/ and ' after
agonising for some considerable time! pl$mped for a Donna Maran
silk tie in an iridescent h$e of a$t$mnal gold conmingled ith
shades of b$rg$ndy0 "There! yo$ look ready to face the +o$sehold
Cavalry single'handed! if 6 say so myself!& he anno$nced! ith
evident pride0 "Well! 6 don2t kno abo$t that!& said Toad! "b$t 6
think 6 co$ld handle a *er7eant'at'#rms!& and ith this ringing
endorsement of Derek2s good taste! he descended the stairs to
breakfast0
.ole! meanhile! ho had been $p since seven! and after
br$shing his hiskers! and doning a B$ick c$p of tea and a bol of
cereal! as hard at ork in the office0 6t being too early to telephone
anybody est of *yria! he as traling the internet amassing a vast
store of knoledge( Wikipedia proved to be a partic$larly $sef$l
so$rce of information! and he had no hesitation in adding it to his
Favo$rites list0 There as virt$ally nothing! he realised ith delight!
that he co$ld not $nearth ith the aid of his mo$se( e3cept that he
discovered that it as! ironically! m$ch easier to find o$t abo$t the
Constit$tion of Canada than that of 5ritain0 *o as soon as it t$rned
nine! he called the +o$se of Commons 6nformation )ffice! and
fo$nd them both co$rteo$s and helpf$l ? tho$gh as mystified as
himself0 +e as groing increasingly an3io$s abo$t the passage of
I=
time as he aited for the Toad to complete his preparations for the
day( and he kne that it o$ld be co$rting disaster to h$rry him
after s$ch a r$de aakening! and ith the prospect of another long
day at the constit$tional coalface ahead0 )ne 7$st co$ldn2t take risks
ith Toad2s temperament0
The .ole had good ca$se to be concerned for the Toad! having
cons$med the last of his toast! as deeply absorbed in the form for
+aydock! and as B$ite oblivio$s to the pressing affairs of *tate
hich so e3ercised the diligent .ole0
#t last he co$ld bear it no more! and crept don the stairs to
discover Toad still engrossed in the *acing 2o)t0 +e slid into a
chair opposite and tried to attract his attention0 6t as B$arter past
eleven0 "6 say! Toady!& he commenced gingerly! "e really sho$ld
beH& b$t the Toad interr$pted him e3citedly0 "-ook here .ole%
This horse in the A0D> at =QF looks like a 7olly shred investment%
*hall 6 p$t a fe bob on for yo$9& The .ole! ho never gambled
on principle ? e3cept possibly on the Grand 1ational ' grimaced0 "6
don2t ant to be a kill7oy Toad! b$t e ,6/ really m$st get to the
+o$se0 )h please Toad! on2t yo$ p$t don that retched paper!
and come and sign these doc$ments 6 need0&
Gr$dgingly! Toad folded the *acing 2o)t and shoved it into his
7acket pocket ,Derek o$ld have died had he observed this
manoe$vre/0 From his tro$ser pocket he then ithdre his
5lack5erry and speed'dialled *lim )dds *am! "+i there *am! Toad
here! yes thank yo$ ? bearing $p0 Can 6 have R;>> on the nose in the
A0D> at +aydock! yes of co$rse on acco$nt! yo$ kno 62m good for it
? the end of the month% 5$t 62m pretty s$re yo$2ll be oing me
money on this one% )h the horse! yes of co$rse! he2s a very
promising fifteen year old gelding! and hat is more! he likes the
soft going and almost finished at #intree ' and ith Declan )2Chair
on his back! even if he is carrying a fe po$nds! 6 feel l$cky0 Did 6
tell yo$ that 62m an .P no9 <es 6 kno it2s a pittance! b$t yo$2ve
got to start somehere ith this earning a living lark0 The West
-othian P$estion9 What are his odds9 )h my horse2s name! yes 6
agree that2s B$ite an important detail! b$t yo$2ll be la$ghing on the
other side of yo$r face hen #naesthetic romps home!& he
concl$ded! tri$mphantly terminating the call0 Then he t$rned to
.ole ? ho had been rithing ith ill'disg$ised impatience
J>
thro$gho$t this e3change ' and cried heartily0 "<o$ poor dear
fello! 6 don2t kno ho yo$ p$t $p ith me and my little ays! of
co$rse 62ll sign those papers right no so yo$ can get off and sort
everything o$t for me in Parliament0 62ll drop by later to see ho
yo$2re doing9 it is one2s solemn d$ty after all%&
The .ole as completely taken aback by this s$dden t$rn of
events! and little realised that they stemmed from Toad2s
$nshakeable faith in the o$tcome of the A0D> at +aydock0 # fe
min$tes later Jaro4lav as helping him on ith his overcoat on ith
his overcoat! and shortly after that! he as ere making his ay
vigoro$sly across the park! chilly despite the s$n( so he barely
pa$sed to banter ith a co$ple of coots! and as soon scampering
past the $nsleeping fortress of the Treas$ry toards the +o$se of
Commons0
*$rprisingly! the ambient h$bb$b of the previo$s day had died
don somehat0 The ret$rn to ork for many! and the br$tal
process of ind$ction for others( combined ith the fr$itless search
for facilities! ere already taking their toll on the more v$lnerable
ne .embers of the comm$nity0 #ltho$gh they had barely dipped
their toes into the aters of Westminster many of them already ore
a f$rtive! h$nted air ' as the party enforcers ,not yet appointed
Whips! b$t confident of poer/ proled the corridors! si4ing $p the
fresh blood! and dangling the seet promise of office space before
the h$ngry eyes of the most g$llible ' and potentially more malleable
amongst them0 5$t there as still a palpable air of barely contained
e3citement as the *tate )pening of Parliament loomed0 6t as! after
all! a very grand occasion indeed0 +e reported to the *er7eant'at'
#rms office only to be told by a delightf$l! and very efficient lady!
that he as in the rong place! and needed to contact the Clerk of
the +o$se0 .ole had the presence of mind to mention the problem
of administrative space and! as l$ck o$ld have it! it as a s$b7ect in
hich she as ell versed ? having been responsible at one time for
managing this problem0 There ere! she informed him! temporary
arrangements available for 7$st this contingency $ntil they ere
allocated their on space0 .ole thanked her prof$sely and ent off
only to stop and berate himself for not asking her e3actly here the
Clerk of the +o$se as to be fo$nd9
J;
+e stood in the Great +all marvelling at the history of the place
and ondering ho on earth he as going to be able to find his ay
aro$nd ;!;>> rooms! ;>> staircases and D miles of corridors let alone
g$ide Toad hen he b$mped into .arshall ho greeted him kindly
and asked if he co$ld be of any help9
"6 don2t s$ppose that there is any chance yo$ might find the time
to sho me aro$nd9& the .ole as s$ddenly inspired to ask0 "This
place is so h$ge and conf$sing that 6 don2t kno here to begin9&
"6 have an ho$r free before l$nch! 7$st yo$ follo me!& .arshall
smiled at him kindly before leading the ay thro$gh hat seemed
like endless panelled corridors and rooms h$ng ith oil paintings!
into tea'rooms and onto terraces commanding splendid vies of the
river! don narro tisting staircases and broad ones! $ntil
s$ddenly they ere in a h$ge! resplendent hall ith an ornate golden
throne! and tiers of seats $pholstered in red leather "This .r .ole is
the here the +o$se of -ords sits! sadly it is 7$st a debating
chamber noadays! all the real poer lies in the )ther Place here
yo$r .r Toad ill soon be taking his seat0&
.ole reflected to himself that given a choice Toad o$ld
probably choose the red leather and the throne! it did all look rather
splendid and spectac$lar! ith the degree of comfort that he kne
his friend regarded as his d$e0
Then .arshall shoed him the Robing Chamber! here the
*overeign got dressed for the *tate )pening of Parliament! the
Royal Gallery hich led to the +o$se of -ords ' he pointed o$t all
sorts of fascinating details ' and kne the dates of everything0 ")h
my! )h my!& the .ole repeated over and over again B$ite
overhelmed ith the sheer history of it all0 They ret$rned to the
+o$se of Commons thro$gh the doors hich ere! .arshall
e3plained! slammed in the face of somebody called 5lack Rod
d$ring the *tate )pening( he poor fello had to bang like billy'o to
get in0 They passed beteen the serried ranks of green benches!
hich looked rather $ncomfortable to .ole2s eye ' and he had
visions of Toad sliding off hilst taking forty inks0
JA
The government benches ere to the right of the *peaker here
Toad o$ld be placed! hilst the opposition as banished to the
left0 To red lines on the floor r$nning don the front of these ere
not to be crossed d$ring debates ' hich co$ld! it seemed! become
B$ite heated0 #s a conseB$ence! the lines ere placed to sord
lengths apart0 The Chamber had been reb$ilt beteen ;=FG and
;=G> after s$ffering bomb damage d$ring World War 660

.arshall pointed o$t the press benches in the gallery! the special
benches! the benches reserved for the +ansard reporters! ho had
the $nenviable 7ob of riting don every last ord that as spoken
in debate ' even the st$ff that as clearly tosh0 +e dre .ole2s
attention to the p$blic gallery c$t off from the main area of b$siness
by a h$ge glass screen ' to prevent the more deranged members of
the p$blic from venting their democratic feelings in anti'social ays!
and disr$pting the serio$s ork of Parliament0 +e also dre his
attention to the division lobbies and e3plained their p$rpose! and
here he ind$lged himself in his favo$rite ? and m$ch rehearsed ?
drollery0
"What pec$liarity!& he enB$ired! ith a distinct tinkle in his
bright bl$e eyes! "do a painting by Picasso! and the +o$se of
Commons share9&
.ole! ho hile he kne hat he liked as not a connoisse$r
of tentieth cent$ry art! said! "6 am not s$re!& hich as at least
honest0
"Eyes to the right! nose to the left!& said .arshall! savo$ring his
on 7oke ' despite the fact that it asn2t entirely original0
The .ole giggled appreciatively0 +e as then instr$cted in the
f$nction! and the methods of the Whips ? and had the tho$ght that
Toad might not like the so$nd of that at all since he did hate to be
told hat to do0
Finally! .arshall led him thro$gh the Central -obby ith its
glorio$s! over'arching and richly decorated ceiling and into
Westminster +all0 This! he e3plained! as the oldest s$rviving part
of the Palace ? hich had mostly been destroyed by fire in ;LDF0
The +all had originally been b$ilt in ;>=J by William R$f$s ' the
son of William the ConB$eror0 .ole marvelled at the hammerbeam
roof high above their heads! s$staining the eight itho$t a single
nail or scre! ith hich Richard 66 ,altho$gh not personally/ had
JD
replaced the earlier str$ct$re in the years beteen ;D=G and ;D==0
.arshall pointed o$t the plaB$e marking the spot here Ming
Charles 6 had been condemned ' and even took him into the little
oratory off to the side! hich had served as )liver Cromell2s
office0
+ere it as that the Ming2s Death Warrant had been signed! in
the Royal presence! b$t! .arshall reass$red him! all those ho had
signed it and ere still alive! had been h$nted don and killed on
the Restoration of the .onarchy in ;II>0 +e pointed o$t the place
in the all here one of the ooden balls $sed by +enry :666 in his
games of Real Tennis had lodged! and the spot here Winston
Ch$rchill had lain in *tate for telve days in a lead lined coffin in
;=IG( he also pointed o$t the tiles designed by P$gin and finally! as
the %i=ce de r8)i)tance! he led .ole don to *t *tephen2s Entrance
here! high above and somehat to the left of the indo!
pro7ected the spike on hich Cromell2s head had been displayed
after his body had been d$g $p and decapitated in revenge for all the
misery he had inflicted on the people! and partic$larly the Ming0
#pparently! it stayed there $ntil on one very indy night it ble off
' and as never seen again0
The .ole as simply spellbo$nd! and .arshall as delighted to
have fo$nd someone ith hom he co$ld share his passion! and the
knoledge gleaned from long years of service to the Palace of
Westminster0 +e invited the $nass$ming animal to come and share a
pot of tea and his l$nchtime sandhich in his c$bby hole! hich
offer .ole being tired and thirsty! gratef$lly accepted0
+e as 7$st on his second c$p of tea hen a knocking on the
door heralded the arrival of Toad "00oh there yo$ are .oley! been
looking for yo$! come on! 62ve been told 6 have to report to the
*er7eant at #rms office0 "5$t! ToadH& .ole started to e3plain that
he had already been there b$t! that imp$lsive animal had r$shed off
in his e3citement0 .ole p$t don his half finished c$p of tea and
thanked .arshall as he got $p to go and find Toad again0 .arshall
inked at him! he $nderstood very ell! that ise man had seen
many ne .P2s and their assistants come and go over the years and
they all mostly behaved in e3actly the same ay at first0
JF
Toad reported to the *er7eant'at'#rms office only to be told by
the delightf$l lady at the desk! e3actly the same thing she had told
.ole! that he as in the rong place! and needed to contact the
Clerk of the +o$se0 Toad ,ho rather fancied that he2d made a
favo$rable impression/ gripped his lapels to sho off his fashionable
attire and enB$ired as to her name! in his most insome tones0
"J$ne%& she replied ith a bright smile0
"6 rather think J$ne! that e2ll be seeing a lot more of one
another!& said Toad dropping his voice an octave0
"62m s$re e ill! in the meantimeH&
"6n the meantime! 6 shall pine!& said the gallant Toad ' helpf$lly
finishing her sentence for her0
"62m delighted to hear it!& she responded0
"Thank yo$ very m$ch J$ne! for all yo$r help!& said Toad0
"#nd o$ld yo$ convey o$r thanks to the *er7eant'at'#rms as ell!
there2s a poppet!& he added gracio$sly0
"6 am the *er7eant'at'#rms!& she replied! directing an am$sed
look at him0
Toad as frankly flabberghasted0 +e cl$tched desperately at the
dooray for s$pport ' as the orld sam before him and .ole ho
had 7$st arrived to hear those last lines had to try very hard not to
la$gh o$t lo$d as he itnessed Toad2s reaction0
"Well good l$ck! 6 ill st$dy yo$r f$t$re career ith interest!
.r Toad0&
Toad co$ld not believe that he of all creat$resE $rbane!
sophisticated! politically ast$te master of Toad +all ' sho$ld have
been bested by a !oman! that he had been made to look foolish by a
member of the fair se3 ,and! hat as orse! he as convinced that
.ole as stifling a la$gh ' hoever m$ch his friend fo$ght to hide
it/0 6t as all that the .ole co$ld do to pers$ade him not to pack $p
politics there and then and go home to Riverbank! here at least
people kne ho to look $p to a chap0 #fter he had spent abo$t
three B$arters of an ho$r f$lminating on this s$b7ect! .ole managed
to calm him don to the e3tent that he agreed to find somehere to
sit at least! and reflect more calmly on hat had 7$st occ$rred0 The
emancipation of omen! the .ole e3plained delicately! as 7$st too
advanced a ca$se to co$nter ' hoever heroic the attempt0
Grad$ally! Toad2s indignation dissipated itself0 .ole gave a h$ge
sigh of relief as he sank back a high'backed chair ,despite the
JG
$ncomfortable carvings/ ith his b$lging bron satchel on his
knees0
"Well! 6 think 62ll be off no! .oley! leave yo$ to sort o$t the
rest of the paperork! hat do yo$ say9& Toad felt rather in need of
a pick me $p0 P$lling a by no a little battered and creased 8+o$ses
of Parliament Refreshment G$ide2 o$t of his pocket Toad per$sed it
for a moment before bo$nding off in the direction of another long
dark ood panelled corridor0
+$rrying back home thro$gh the park later that afternoon! .ole
tracked don Toad in the library here he had had a most
satisfactory finish to the afternoon day hen! by a nose! #naesthetic
7$st pipped -ager -o$t to the post0
0 "Good nes! all the paperork2s sorted o$t! a bit of
preparation for .onday and then yo$2re all set0 *hall e start ith
the )ath itself! Toady0 J$st read it to yo$rself a fe times! and then
e2ll try a r$n thro$gh ' and after that e can look at a co$ple of
draft bills! some order papers! and one or to recent highlights from
+ansard ' to give yo$ 7$st a flavo$r of the hole marvello$s process
of governance0&
With some foreboding! Toad p$t don his hisky and soda as
he took the proffered sheet of paper and ran his eye s$spicio$sly
across it b$t it seemed to make some sense ' and as not overlong!
as he had feared that it might be0 *o! finally! he declared himself
confident to proceed to a rehearsal0
#t last! satisfied ith Toad2s performance! the .ole tried to
engage his interest in one of the draft bills from the last session '
hich he had donloaded from the parliamentary ebsite0 Even
tho$gh it dealt ith the disparity in the provision of n$rsery school
places beteen the East and West .idlands! in tr$th the Toad2s
heart as not in it0 Therefore! not ishing to overta3 him on the
very c$sp of formally taking $p his seat for the first time! .ole
isely dre a veil over this important s$b7ect ' for the time being '
and! instead! dre his friend2s attention to some of the racier
passages from +ansard0 5$t! sadly! even these failed to grip the
increasingly restive Toad! and so! it nearing the time for tea! he
JI
resigned himself to the knoledge that it o$ld be don to himself
to do the act$al ork ,hich fact he admitted he had knon all
along/ and 7$st make s$re that Toad as properly briefed each day to
the best of his ability0
JJ
Chapter Ten
With the press$re off for the time being! the animals ensconced
themselves comfortably in front of the television ,after another of
Ethel2s toothsome meals/ to sco$r the channels in the forlorn hope of
finding something to atch0
Finally! they settled! by defa$lt! $pon a film called 4&e >utla!
(o)ey Wale)! starring a certain .r Eastood0 6t t$rned o$t to be a
gritty revisionist Western ,according to .ole/ set in some very bleak
place( and feat$ring rather fragile fi3t$res and fittings! and a
citi4enry hose morals ere not all that they might have been0
Toad clenched his hisky t$mbler ever tighter as events
$nf$rled0 +is 7a orked strangely! for here as a character ith
hom he co$ld tr$ly identify ' as he himself took on the forces of
darkness at Westminster0 )h! ho he longed for the comforting feel
of a Colt Peacemaker in his pa! and the B$iet certainty of p$rpose
that only came from having a Winchester 2JD in one2s saddle holster0
That o$ld 7olly ell sho the *er7eant'at'#rms! he m$sed
e3$ltantly! making a mental note to send Derek o$t for some mean'
looking cheroots! and to generally sB$int more0
*adly! the commercial breaks ere rather freB$ent! hich
somehat broke the tension ' even tho$gh they did permit of the
e3ec$tion of certain nat$ral f$nctions0 Whilst some of the
advertisements ere da44ling in their prod$ction val$es ,Toad got a
piece of paper on hich to make a list of these! ith a vie to f$t$re
p$rchases/! others drove him to distraction and overall there ere
7$st too many of the blessed things( there as one! for a partic$lar
brand of cheing g$m! hich as shon three times in 7$st one
commercial break% Toad holed in despair ' even as the need for
this indigestible comestible b$rroed its ay into his brain0 5y the
time the film res$med! he had almost forgotten the plot and it took
him some min$tes to pick $p the thread again! and shortly thereafter
came another commercial break0 6t as 7$st too impossible for
ords%
1onetheless! 7$st abo$t everybody in the ton as dead by the
end! e3cept for Josey himself! ho departed itho$t so m$ch as a
scratch! or a tear in his tro$sers ' so the Toad deemed the o$tcome
entirely satisfactory ' and t$rned to .ole to say so0 5$t the .ole
JL
had had a long and stressf$l day! and from his chair emanated only a
gentle snore0
The ne3t morning! it being a *at$rday! .ole made a to$r of the
garden and admired the rockery! the gently splashing ater
cascading don it thro$gh the mosses stones and ferns! and the
mighty m$lberry tree hich toered over the lan hich Derek had
not yet had time to finish raking0 +e e3amined the tennis co$rt! also
rather leaf'stren at this time of year! and noted that the mesh
fencing needed some attention0 Then he decided to take his
breakfast on the terrace! despite the season! and folded his body into
a creaking ickerork chair! his senses l$lled by the bree4e r$ffling
those leaves that still cl$ng to the isteria0
#s he sipped the coffee bro$ght to him by Jaro4lav! and aited
for his boiled egg to arrive! he shook his head in onder at the
7o$rney he had been on since first he had learnt of the general
election and had taken $p his c$dgel to play his on small part0 The
irony did not escape him! of a liberal creat$re like himself! playing
chaperone to Toad ' hose vies ere frankly antedil$vian b$t! he
asn2t going to let the 5adger don0
+e as also e3cited to be in the middle of -ondon! and at the
very heart of the democratic process0 +ere he o$ld be able to meet
like'minded individ$als! and press his on agenda for positive
change and s$stainable groth0 ")h my! oh my%& he cried! holding
$p his pas in anticipation ,and somehat to Jaro4lav2s s$rprise/ as
the b$tler! coincidentally! appeared ith .ole2s soft'boiled egg and
soldiers0
The Toad! meanhile! as taking advantage of hat seemed
like his first day off in simply ages to have a decent lie'in0 6t as
not $ntil ten'past telve that he sacrificed the armth of his bed for
the l$re of *lim )dds *)a"+! and 8phoned don for a pot of
Dar7eeling tea and his morning paper0 While he smacked his lips at
the former! he closely st$died the latter ? making his initial
assessment of the r$nners and riders for that afternoon2s races0 With
the benefit of a reasonable amo$nt of time in hich to p$rs$e his
st$dies! he planned to make *am2s life a misery that day0
J=
+aving performed his abl$tions! and dressed itho$t Derek2s
ministrations ,hich he secretly fo$nd a trifle over'f$ssy! b$t
gr$dgingly accepted the need for in the r$thless orld of
Westminster/! he ent don the stairs in his favo$rite pair of old
cord$roys! to attend to the important b$siness of the day ' the
afternoon2s sport0 5eca$se it as so vital that the t$rf receive his
$ndivided attention! he deferred ? by an act of prodigio$s ill ? a
proper meal $ntil the evening0 6nstead! he ordered a tray of
sandiches to be bro$ght to him in the st$dy! together ith a steady
s$pply of 5$cks Fi44 ' since he o$ld need to remain alert! and
$ndil$ted 5ollinger might have dimmed even his keen senses0 *lim
)dds *am o$ld not kno hat had hit him by the time that racing
as over for the day%
6t as here! ith his eyes gl$ed to the television and his feet $p
on a po$ffe! that the .ole fo$nd him! st$dying the thoro$ghbred
inmates of the paddock as they b$cked and kicked prior to the three
miles and to f$rlongs at Wetherby0 "6 say! .oley! 6 don2t B$ite
like the look of the ay that Rigor .ortis is seating! and 6 rather
fancied that filly at IIQ;! given that it2s not a croded field!& he said!
itho$t t$rning his head0
"*$rely!& responded the .ole! "any poor br$te ho has had to
r$n their heart o$t ith some chap balanced on their back! is entitled
to seat a bit0&
".ole!& said Toad pityingly! "6 don2t think yo$ have a f$ll grasp
of the finer points of racing ? despite being in many ay2s a sterling
fello( the race hasn2t started yet%&
"*orry! Toad!& 6 m$st confess it2s all a bit over my head( it2s the
n$mbers that defeat me ? and do the horses act$ally en7oy it9&
")f co$rse they do! born and bred to it% 1othing they like better
than a stiff gallop on a free4ing morning! folloed by a hot bran
mash and a vigoro$s r$b don0&
"Well! if yo$ say so ? b$t all the sameH!& b$t! Toad had lost
interest in the conversation! as the horses cantered don to the stalls0
Was he going to go ith his first g$t instinct and take the starting
price on Rigor .ortis! or spread his risk ith an each ay bet9 +e
got in his call to *am 7$st in time ? and he ent ith his g$t instinct0
L>
The .ole decided to leave him to it( there as no hope of a
sensible conversation ith Toad so long as there as a single race
left to r$n0 #ccordingly! he decided to take himself off and e3plore
some of the sights that ere so conveniently located ithin easy
alking distance of *t James2s *B$are0 Witho$t f$rther ado he
so$ght o$t his overcoat ' itho$t Jaro4lav2s assistance ' he as an
independent animal and fo$nd all the domestic attention rather
s$ffocating! albeit l$3$rio$s0 Then he made his ay don the short
flight of steps! $nder the 6onic portico! and onto the pavement0
Pa$sing 7$st long eno$gh to get his bearings! he crossed the sB$are
toards the park and then t$rned left on Pall .all! and proceeded to
the bottom of +aymarket and thence! g$ided by 1elson2s Col$mn
toering overhead! to Trafalgar *B$are0
The *B$are as packed! and in the inter s$nshine the dancing
fo$ntains cast 7$bilant rainbos before the eyes of those fort$nate
eno$gh to spy them0 # h$ge marB$ee dominated the so$th side of
the pia44a! and from the stage ithin it boomed a celebration of the
m$sical arts! proclaimed by myriad signs and posters! as Rock
against R$deness0 # black gentleman in gold chains! and ice cool
s$nglasses! as minding his Ps and Ps at the microphone as .ole
approached0 "Thank ya2ll for coming o$t today folks! remember(
good manners are real cheap0 Don2t yo$ forget to take yo$r litter
home ith yo$ no! y2hear% 62ve been 1ice G$y T! yo$2ve been
Real0& +e boed! and made his ay off the stage to polite appla$se0
.ole fo$nd a bal$strade on hich to perch and en7oy the folloing
set by The Jane #$sten 5eatbo3 P$intet0
+oever! the chill as not cond$cive to remaining in one spot
for long! so he tore himself aay from the spectacle a f$ll three
n$mbers before the syncopated P$intet had f$lly e3pressed their
creativity! and fo$nd ref$ge in the 1ational Gallery0 This as very
grand ? and f$ll of pict$res ? b$t as b$sy as an $ndergro$nd station!
so he tried the caf@ b$t! B$ite apart from the crods! considered it
r$ino$sly e3pensive0
Finally! he took ref$ge in the gift shop ' here he as able to
brose thro$gh the books and postcards! hich as m$ch better
than getting trampled on! he decided! and he co$ld properly
appreciate the orks of art ' on a scale more s$ited to his on0 +ere
L;
he spent a great deal of time en7oying the cheerf$l! cosmopolitan
atmosphere! e3amining the bookmarks and the pencils! the r$bbers
and the ill$strated mo$se mats! the posters and the key rings! the
fridge magnets and the note'pads0 +e determined to b$y one of
these last practical items ? and chose a simple ring'backed one ,that
as still abs$rdly dear! b$t as! he reasoned! all in a good ca$se/(
and for Toad he snapped $p the very last of the mo$se mats
feat$ring a pict$re of a B$ite spectac$lar rearing stallion called
Whistle7acket by the English artist George *t$bbs ,;JAF';L>I/!
hich he hoped might 7$st enco$rage that connoisse$r of horseflesh!
and nely elected member for the Riverbank constit$ency! to take
more of an interest in comp$ters0
6n addition! he spent a good hile selecting postcards to send to
his friends in the co$ntry0 For the 5adger! he chose # Portrait of a
.an +olding a -etter ,and earing a r$ff/! titled "-2#vvocato&!
painted circa ;GJ> by Giovanni 5attista .oroni0 +e tho$ght that
5adger o$ld appreciate the legal connotations of the ork ? and it
as a 7olly good painting as ell0 +e fo$nd it harder to decide on a
card for Ratty knoing his ch$m2s eccentric sense of h$mo$r! b$t!
in the end! chose a scene depicting "The E3hibition of a Rhinoceros
at :enice& ,probably abo$t ;JG;/! by Pietro -onghi0 6n addition! the
perspicacio$s .ole invested in a local g$idebook0 Well satisfied
ith these p$rchases! he trotted don the broad steps of the gallery
and back into the sB$are! here 1elson as no brilliantly
ill$minated! and stonily s$pervising the orderly dispersal of the
crod0
5y no he co$ld not help admitting that he as tired! and a little
peckish! and desperately anted a nice hot c$p of tea0 6nitially! on
economic gro$nds! he resolved to make his ay home for some
refreshments! b$t he had been very fr$gal! he reflected0 The Toad
as paying him heaven kne ho m$ch a eek! and he2d barely
spent a penny ' so he decided to treat himself0 1onetheless! he did
not take advantage of the first eatery he came $pon ,hich looked
s$spicio$sly like a national franchise/! b$t! instead! spent a little
hile casting abo$t for a small keenly'priced independent o$tlet(
hich he d$ly discovered in the cheerf$l form of Porky2s Pantry
hich as retailing hot beverages at $p to a third off the price of its
LA
competitors! and as located not even a B$arter of a mile to the
north of Trafalgar *B$are itself0 The .ole rearded himself for all
his efforts ith a carob and caramel slice and a large m$g of tea! and
h$gely en7oyed the combination as he r$minated on his advent$res0
+aving somehat recovered his )ang,roid! he t$rned his attention to
the g$idebook hich he had so recently acB$ired! and lost himself in
the contents0 +e co$ldn2t think ho he2d ever managed itho$t it0
6t even incl$ded a detailed map of the area% Therefore! since it as
getting on a bit! he polished off his snack ith relish! paid the bill ?
hich as modest ? left a genero$s tip! and took himself o$t on to
the streets again! refreshed ' and ready for f$rther thrills0
5y diligent cons$ltation ith his g$ide! he traversed Chandos
Place as far as 5edford *treet! then t$rning right opposite the elegant
offices of 4&e Lady maga4ine! hich disting$ished periodical he
discovered from a convenient inscription! had appeared eekly since
;LLG! he passed don 5edford *treet and onto the *trand ' hich
as solid ith to'lane traffic in both directions0 +aving
scampered across this menacing thoro$ghfare beteen b$ses and
ta3is! he so$ght a ay don to the :ictoria Embankment ' in order
to vie the river0 +e came to grief in D$rham +o$se *treet hich
came to a dead end0 Patiently! he retraced his steps! and t$rned right
again0 The ne3t t$rning! #dam *treet! as more promising! and led
him don a fairly steep incline ,hich as starting to look
orryingly like another dead end/! hen he came $pon a flight of
steps on his left hich! despite being far from sal$brio$s! and
involving a slightly $nnerving dog'leg! took him event$ally don to
*avoy Place0 6t as at the base of this road that he came $pon the
:ictoria Embankment Gardens! and so! eager to see some foliage
after negotiating so m$ch tarmac! he decided to e3plore this little
sanct$ary0 6t as a great relief to stroll thro$gh the neatly tended
lans and floerbeds! the little lily ponds! and pass $nder the trees
in the tilight0
6t is hard to describe the little creat$re2s delight in st$mbling
$pon a handsome b$st of *ir #rth$r *$llivan ,;LFA';=>>/! the
immortal composer of s$ch orks as +0.0*0 Pinafore0 This
bea$tif$l ob7ect ? hich portrayed the great man2s mo$stache to
partic$larly good effect ? as mo$nted on a tapering plinth! to
LD
hich a barely decent m$se cl$ng! m$ch lamenting0 The .ole
shook his head in onder at this icon to his hero! and stayed to
marvel for longer than as strictly ise ' for the gardens sh$t at I
p0m0 at this season of the year! and he had by no means finished
e3ploring them0 They ere not very e3tensive b$t bea$tif$lly
maintained! and across the fence it as possible to discern the
f$nnels of a pleas$re boat permanently moored for entertainments!
and the delicate span of Charing Cross 5ridge0
.ole contin$ed on his ay! and as s$ddenly str$ck by a very
large stat$e of the poet Robert 5$rns hose ork 4o a ?ou)e as
m$ch loved in the co$ntryside! and oft B$oted by the Water Rat as
being the very epitome of good taste and scansion0 +ere as
something to relay on the postcard of the :enetian Rhinoceros that
o$ld tr$ly stir his friend! and perhaps even tempt him $p to -ondon
in the f$llness of time0 6n the meanhile! .ole discovered a
memorial of m$ch smaller proportions ? b$t arg$ably more poignant
? to the men of the Camel Corps ho had lost their lives in the First
World War0 The camel as very convincing0 # little f$rther on!
and to the right! he came $pon a orn limestone archay marking
the e3tent of the Thames before the creation of the Embankment in
;LIA0 6t stood a good h$ndred yards to the north of the present
co$rse of the river so .ole! being something of an engineer himself!
co$ld only admire the ork involved0
+aving reached the Embankment Cndergro$nd *tation! he
t$rned right $nder the railay bridge to cross over the bottom of
1orth$mberland #ven$e! he as B$ite entranced by the vie of the
1ational -iberal Cl$b to his right at the bottom of Whitehall Place!
that stately :ictorian edifice! home and previo$sly +P to
generations of -iberals! looking to all the orld as tho$gh it as
standing g$ard over the Embankment gardens and the river! .ole
s$mmoned $p the co$rage to peep thro$gh the revolving doors and
glimpse the grand staircase0 Then he scampered $p to take a closer
look at the Royal Tank Regiment stat$e at the bottom of Whitehall!
the fo$r fig$res in battledress looking toards the b$ilding here the
first ever tank had been designed0 +e reflected on hat an effective
codename for the pro7ect 8tank2 had been! it had st$ck to the
behemoths of the battlefield ever since0 +e then t$rned and alked
LF
back don to the Embankment proper and proceeded toards
Westminster ' B$ite entranced by the vie of the river flanked! as it
as! by massive ell'lit b$ildings! and over hich the -ondon Eye '
hich he voed never to end$re again ' loomed so prominently0

With caref$l reference to his map! and mindf$l of the traffic
holing past! he then crossed the road and made his ay $p
+orseg$ards in search of the Cenotaph! hich as referred to in his
g$ide as a stark b$t bea$tif$l mon$ment to those fallen in battle!
designed by *ir Edin -$tyens and completed in ;=A> ' o$t of
Portland *tone0 6n order to reach it he had! necessarily! to pass a
bold edifice commemorating the sacrifice of the omen of World
War 66 hich! in the .ole2s h$mble opinion! had more of the
domestic than the heroic abo$t it( since it resembled nothing so
m$ch as heavily laden coat hooks in a hall! and .ole kne from the
+istory Channel! if nothing else! that omen had been on the front
line d$ring that epic conflict0 From the Cenotaph! he alked don
past the heavily'fortified gates of Doning *treet! and into the no
familiar environs of Parliament *B$are0 +e t$rned $p Great George
*treet! as night ine3orably eng$lfed the city! and as soon
circ$mamb$lating the lake in *t James2s Park0 Ten min$tes later! he
as happily admitting himself into the ho$se ' his cheeks fl$shed by
the chill! and his recent achievements0
Toad as delighted to see him! and in e3cellent spirits ' being
don barely a tho$sand po$nds on the day2s races( and he o$ld
have broken even overall! he ass$red the appalled .ole! if only
*t$mble 5$m hadn2t fallen at the first fence at 5angor0 1o! all in
all! it had been a good day ,especially for *lim )dds *am/ b$t Toad
as happy ith his day2s sport! and .ole had m$ch to reco$nt! and
the little gift of the mo$se mat to besto $pon his ayard friend0
Toad greatly admired the rearing horse! and promised to come to
terms ith the f$nction of the mat0 *o they settled don happily in
front of the coal'effect gas fire to sap stories! hile Ethel
performed her alchemy in the kitchen0
They broke their fast ith an assortment of me4e dishes
incl$ding olives! dips! arm pitta bread! st$ffed vine leaves and the
like! accompanied by an impet$o$s little Retsina0 For their main
LG
co$rses .ole had a :egetable 5iryani hile the Toad en7oyed a
Ming Pran Morma0 +e claimed that the only proper drink to
accompany these dishes as beer0 .ole as orried abo$t mi3ing
his drinks ' in case he sho$ld r$e it in the morning! b$t Toad B$oted
the adage! 8beer before ine! and yo$2ll be fine02
*o! notithstanding the Retsina that he2d already cons$med ?
and being in the mood to celebrate after s$ch a profitable day ' he
accepted 7$st a glass or to0 #t Toad2s insistence they finished the
meal ith a virt$oso 5aked #laska ,in the making of hich Ethel
had tr$ly e3celled herself/0 # modic$m of very n$ggety .adeira
served to add piB$ancy and brio to this delicio$s p$dding0 Replete!
and despairing of the television ? partic$larly on a *at$rday night ?
they made their ay to the billiard room0 +oever! both animals
ere really too enc$mbered by dinner to disting$ish themselves on
the bai4e ? and the e3tensions proved an impossible stretch for their
tight little t$mmies0 *o after a des$ltory ho$r or so involving more
banter than balls! they took themselves off to their rooms both ready
for a ell'earned rest0
5lessed *$nday daned on the morro! and hile Toad made
the most of it in bed! .ole h$rried o$t for the papers so that they
o$ld be f$lly informed of orld events preparatory to the eek
ahead0 +e came back groaning $nder the eight of them! and
already sick at heart! not only at the prospect of ading thro$gh any
relevant content b$t at the sheer B$antity of recycling that o$ld be
involved0 +e kne all too ell Toad2s cavalier attit$de to the
environment! hich meant that the b$rden o$ld fall e3cl$sively on
his already overb$rdened sho$lders0
)nce he had d$mped the papers on the floor of the st$dy and
sifted o$t the main nes! he as left ith a veritable Everest of
s$pplementsE +ealth and Fitness! Travel and +olidays! Property!
Employment! Revies! T: g$ides! Women2s sections! .en2s
sections! sections devoted to #nimal +$sbandry! Cooking! *tyle!
Fashion! .$sic( it ent on and on0 +o many trees had perished to
create this meagre fare! he reflected sadly0 Then he opened one of
them! and co$ld hardly believe his eyes% What he sa there made
*ir #rth$r *$llivan2s m$se look tame% #nd as for the sc$rrilo$s
LI
articles ritten in some knoing patois ' hich he co$ld hardly
comprehend! there as simply no ay a mole co$ld come to terms
ith it0 Clearly Rock #gainst R$deness had an $phill battle on its
hands0 +e dropped the offending item and ent in search of a c$p
of strong black coffee0
5y the time Toad s$rfaced it as approaching three o2clock and
he as ready for his l$nch hich! knoing his ays! Ethel had
prepared in good time0 They had a hearty traditional English *$nday
meal ith plenty of <orkshire P$dding ,to hich Toad as very
partial/! good rare beef ith horseradish sa$ce! a medley of
vegetables ' on hich .ole rather concentrated! oodles of rich
gravy! roast potatoes done to a t$rn and all the $s$al trimmings ' the
hole accompanied by a deafening #$stralian *hira40 Ethel had
prepared an e3ceedingly alcoholic sherry trifle to complete the
banB$et and th$s fortified they ent thro$gh to the st$dy here
.ole so$ght to engage the Toad2s attention in the economic cycle '
b$t ith only limited s$ccess0 P$ite soon both of them ere do4ing0
#s the contemporary dance section of $or Blimey9 slipped off his
knees! .ole2s chin sank peacef$lly onto his chest0 The Toad had
already been asleep for a good ten min$tes0
LJ
Chapter Eleven
.onday daned! and no there as no escaping reality0 #
tired b$t mostly enth$siastic Toad came don to breakfast before the
morning mist had f$lly dissipated from the *B$are! b$t even his
appetite as s$bd$ed by the grossly $ncivili4ed ho$r0 The poor
animal barely did 7$stice to a pair of kippers0 With the greatest tact
and finesse! .ole managed to get him to eat a little and they set off
for Parliament0 The brisk air revived Toad slightly! his mo$rnf$l
co$ntenance yielded a trifle at the sight of the pelicans! ho ished
them a cheery good morning in their $nco$th tong$e0 They passed
the igams on the halloed pavement of Parliament *B$are in
hich the noble savages ere still snoring m$ch to Toad2s chagrin0
Then! ith the benefit of their recently iss$ed sec$rity passes! they
ere spared a frisking by the disappointed minions of the la! and
ere soon at large once again ithin the splendid confines of the
Palace0 Toad perked $p a bit0
.ole led the ay to the Clerk of the +o$se2s office! barely able
to conceal his e3citement! and the Toad d$tif$lly folloed! altho$gh
his tho$ghts ere t$rning increasingly on the possibility of obtaining
a large latt@ before the day as very m$ch older0 )nce they had
reached their destination the forthcoming b$siness as efficiently
e3plained to them0 Toad adopted his most intelligent e3pression ?
hich having something of the fanatical abo$t it rather alarmed their
interloc$tor! a certain Dr 5eaver0 -$ckily .ole grasped the
essentials! and led the Toad aay ' ho as relieved to rela3 his
facial m$scles0 Essentially! the .embers o$ld take the )ath in
order of seniority commencing ith the Father of the +o$se( The
*peaker! the Party -eaders! and their front benches ' folloed
event$ally by the back'bench pack ' of hich Toad rather resented
being designated a member0 #t least that meant that they o$ld not
be reB$ired immediately ? if at all that day0

#s this tr$th sank in .ole2s heart sank into his boots at the
prospect of motivating Toad for another early start if this day t$rned
o$t to be fr$itless0 *o! leaving his friend n$rsing a latt@ and a hite
LL
chocolate and straberry m$ffin! he h$rried back to the Clerk of the
+o$se2s office and! by dint of m$ch pleading! pers$aded the kindly
5eaver to shift things abo$t a bit! in a B$ite $nprecedented ay! in
order to accommodate the Toad0 The good doctor ' ho had
formally been a orld e3pert on criminal anthropology ' as
an3io$s not to alienate that animal for he had observed his b$lging
eyes and rict$s stare at close B$arters0 +e! therefore! made
arrangements to accommodate the Toad ,even tho$gh this meant
postponing the *tate )pening of Parliament $ntil the Wednesday/0
Th$s it as that 7$st a fe ho$rs later Toad took his place at the
5ar of the +o$se0 There as something abo$t the atmosphere ?
steeped as it as in cent$ries of ceremonial ' that overhelmed even
him and bro$ght a l$mp to his throat as he faced the *peaker0 +e
advanced hen his t$rn came on slightly shaky legs toards the
reass$ringly battered Dispatch 5o30 Then! ith the 1e Testament
cl$tched tightly in his slightly moist right pa! he recited the ords
in hich .ole had so diligently schooled him0 "6! Toad! sear by
#lmighty God that 6 ill be faithf$l! and bear tr$e allegiance to +er
.a7esty P$een Eli4abeth! her heirs and s$ccessors! according to la0
*o help me God0& From his vantage point in the *pecial Gallery! the
.ole looked on pro$dly0 The odyssey had beg$n0
They ere on their ay to celebrate ith a bottle of champagne
amidst the general bonhomie hen a scented fo3 intercepted them0
+e as impeccably dressed in a very ell c$t s$it! and ore a bl$e
silk tie ith a diamond pin0 # cool! calc$lating confidence
emanated from his every pore! as he dispassionately appraised the
Toad thro$gh slightly narroed eyes! b$t ith a smile playing on his
sleek m$44le0 .ole eyed him somehat distr$stf$lly! b$t the Toad
as rather da44led0
"6t2s Toad! isn2t it9& he draled! "congrat$lations on yo$r
splendid victory! and may 6 say that yo$ cond$cted yo$rself like the
perfect gentleman 7$st no0 .y name2s Frederick Fo3! b$t yo$ can
call me Freddy! 6 can see greatness in yo$ Toad! 6 can see greatness0
Well! 6 m$st get on! 62ve got a lot of pas to shake after o$r tri$mph
? b$t 62m glad to see yo$2re one of $s0 The Whips ill be in to$ch!&
and ith that he smoothly departed0
L=
"Who as that9& enB$ired the impressionable Toad of his
aman$ensis0 "+onestly! Toad! yo$ really are the limit hen it comes
to politics( that2s the ne Prime .inister0&
")h!& said Toad! "ell he seems a very decent cove0&
"<o$ can2t alays 7$dge a book by its cover! old chap0&
"Well 6 do!& said Toad! "it2s a lot B$icker than reading the
beastly thing! and don2t be deceived .ole! yo$ can tell a great deal
from a 7acket ' 7$st ask Derek0& The .ole sighed resignedly as he
folloed his friend to the bar! here the nely sorn'in .Ps ere
responsibly caro$sing0
*l$mped in a corner! vacantly cl$tching a hisky t$mbler! sat a
dishevelled hedgehog0 There as something notably disconsolate
abo$t him0 +e had been $ntil this last election the Prime .inister
.ole realised ith a start0 +e had often seen him on the television
,hich he kne added several po$nds to an individ$al2s appearance/
b$t never in the flesh ' in hich state he looked somehat
cadavero$s ' or as cadavero$s as it is possible for a hedgehog to
appear0 This as +odgkinson ho had relentlessly p$rs$ed poer
all his life only to see it slip from his grasp in the moment of
attainment0 +e c$t a somehat tragic fig$re beca$se hile many of
his colleag$es in the losing party ere B$ite relishing the prospect of
being able to sho$t ins$lts at the ne administration rather than be
sho$ted at themselves and in the meanhile regro$p aro$nd a fresh
standard! +odgkinson fo$nd himself in the role of a +arold ho had
sing$larly s$rvived the 5attle of +astings only to find himself an
alien in a 1orman land0 +is yo$nger colleag$es had a f$t$re! or so it
seemed to the once idealistic animal! hile he himself o$ld be p$t
o$t to grass on the board of some great corporation ' ith only an
inflated income to console him0
While Toad as trying to get his pas on a bottle of .Uet! the
kind'hearted .ole approached the hedgehog to offer his
commiserations b$t to no avail beca$se as he approached
+odgkinson merely rolled himself $p into a prickly ball! thereby
spilling his drink0 )bserving the animal co$rtesies! hich incl$ded
never intr$ding on one another2s s$fferings $nless invited to do so!
the .ole tactf$lly ithdre to re7oin his friend! ho had f$lfilled his
=>
B$est for a half decent bottle of champagne despite the stiff
competition0
#fter a fe celebratory drinks! the revellers repaired to the best
resta$rant in the +o$se! abo$t fifty of them all told! led by the fo30
This feast! he anno$nced! as to be on him! and they sho$ld order
hatever they fancied0 They all sat don happily itho$t f$rther
enco$ragement to st$dy their men$s0 The Toad and the .ole fo$nd
themselves sharing a table ith a rather severe looking man ith a
centre parting and glasses called -eslie Chippendale'5ill ho! it
transpired! had been the shado minister for the Department for the
Environment Food and R$ral #ffairs0 +e as B$ietly confident of
transferring his grip of that brief to that m$ch mismanaged
department no that his Party as in poer0 #ltho$gh he asn2t
co$nting his chickens! he hastened to add! as it as never safe to do
so ith Freddy0 To Toad2s right sat a matronly doe called Doreen! a
pleasant eno$gh deer! ho had 7$st been ret$rned for the first time
by the voters of 1eport Pagnell0
The meal as e3$berant and the ine floed freely b$t!
noticeably Freddy drank mainly ater0 #s the coffee arrived he
stood $p and invited the assembled dignitaries to give him a moment
of their attention0 # respectf$l h$sh ens$ed! p$nct$ated only by the
barely stifled belches of a disaffected fe0 These o$trages ere d$ly
noted b$t Frederick Fo3 as in no ay p$t off his stroke! merely
smiling inningly before commencing a short speech0
"Well! elcome to Westminster those of yo$ ho have been
elected for the first time! and elcome back to the old salts ? if 6
may call yo$ that9 #nd elcome one and all of yo$ to government%
1o 62m not going to go on at length! 6 7$st ant yo$ to kno that 6
intend for this to be a team effort and everyone ho plays their part
ill find a place on the team ? have no fear of that0& +e pa$sed to
glance abo$t the room and observe the effect that his ords ere
having( the b$lk of his a$dience ere rapt he as pleased to see! and
Doreen Doe ga4ed at him ith shining eyes! b$t one or to of the
older! and fatter .embers looked distinctly $nconvinced0 5$t as the
Party had a comfortable ma7ority in Parliament they sho$ldn2t
tro$ble the Whips0
=;
"#nyay! o$rs is a great ca$se hich 6 ill cherish leading for a
long time to come ? in case any of yo$ are in do$bt!& ,some slightly
nervo$s la$ghter/0 "Friends! colleag$es! let $s b$ry hatever petty
differences e may have had in the past! and drink to a Conservative
f$t$re%&
They cheered and raised their glasses as the toast rang o$t! "To a
Conservative f$t$re%& The .ole as forced to sallo his
misgivings as he drained his glass0
1onetheless! it as a merry pair of slightly'the'orse'for'ear
friends that rambled home across the park! sc$ffing at the leaves and
la$ghing0 Toad had finally grasped hat a 7olly b$siness politics
co$ld be! and the .ole as 7$st heartily relieved to have negotiated
the initial h$rdles0 +e had been terrified of alienating Toad for ever
from striving for a better orld ' a ca$se of hich the Toad as
B$ite oblivio$s ' b$t to hich .ole cl$ng ith an increasing
passion0
They both oke $p the folloing morning ith crashing
hangovers and came to the painf$l agreement! hile picking at a
very late breakfast! that! since the *tate )pening of Parliament and
the P$een2s *peech ere no d$e to take place on the folloing
day! there as nothing more important that they co$ld do than to
prepare themselves for the great event by taking it easy0 Poor Toad
did not even feel ell eno$gh to follo the day2s racing! the very
tho$ght of atching the television made him feel sick0 *o! after
taking some strong headache pills ashed don ith gallons of
fresh orange 7$ice! they both tottered to their beds! determined never
to drink again0 Jaro4lav looked in on them solicito$sly from time to
time! and Ethel sent $p a delicio$s so$p! hich had an aroma of
fresh mint abo$t it0 5$t! sadly! they ere not able to do it 7$stice0
+oever! by the evening Toad as able to manage a little
*hepherd2s Pie! some green beans and a handf$l of roasted parsnips
,all ashed don ith 7$st a )ou%@on of +ock ' hich did not
resonate $nd$ly/0 Then he girded his loins and tackled the merest
mo$thf$l of Jam Roly'Poly p$dding and c$stard0 The .ole
confined himself to bread and b$tter and a glass of milk0 #fter this
modest fare! they retired to bed again and discovered! that as long as
=A
one didn2t move one2s head m$ch! the orst as over ' and they
ere able to sleep! albeit fitf$lly! the sleep of the brave0
6magining that it o$ld take a team of carthorses to e3tract Toad
from his bed the ne3t day! .ole cleverly advised the staff to prepare
breakfast for them both on a large tray and that he himself o$ld
deliver it to Toad2s bedside0 To his s$rprise Toad as already $p and
poring over the briefing paper that .ole had given him a co$ple of
days before! "7$st leave it there Jaroslav!& gr$nted the Toad itho$t
looking $p! "62ll deal ith it by'and'by0&
"6t2s me! .oley!& that creat$re anno$nced cheerily0
"What on earth are yo$ doing in a chap2s bedroom at this
$ngodly ho$r9& Toad demanded0
"6 tho$ght 62d better e3plain ho the *tate )pening orks
before e get there0 5$t! 6 see yo$2re already reading the briefing 6
gave yo$%&
"Well! no yo$2re here yo$ can talk me thro$gh it hile 6 have
my breakfast!& Toad p$t don the papers and took the proffered c$p
of coffee from .ole2s pa0
"-et2s start ith the basics! shall e9 1at$rally! the first thing is
to search the cellars of the Palace of Westminster in case of another
G$n Poder plot! then! before the *overeign leaves 5$ckingham
Palace! a member of the +o$se of Commons ? generally a Whip
from the governing party ' is sent to 5$ckingham Palace as a
hostage to ens$re the P$een2s safe ret$rn ,tho$gh obvio$sly this
might be a Ming( )oh 6 don2t kno! Ming William and the D$chess
of Cambridge for instance/0
"#re yo$ absol$tely s$re abo$t all this9& said Toad0
")h yes! 62ve looked it $p on the internet!& his friend replied0
"1o then! the 6mperial *tate Cron travels ahead in its on coach
to the :ictoria Toer! the cron is passed by the P$een2s
5argemaster to the Comptroller of the -ord Chamberlain2s office
before being carried ' together ith the *ord of *tate and the Cap
of .aintenance ' to the Royal Gallery0&
"6 need another c$p of coffee!& said the Toad0
"#nd then it gets really e3citing!& enth$sed the .ole! "beca$se
the P$een arrives at the *overeign2s Entrance in a lavish horse
dran coach! and the Cnion Jack is replaced by the Royal *tandard
signifying her presence0 Then she dons the Robes of *tate and the
=D
6mperial *tate Cron in the Robing Chamber ,don2t yo$ remember
.arshall shoing $s/ and proceeds thro$gh the Royal Gallery to the
+o$se of -ordsH&
"That2s the big red one9& said Toad envio$sly.
"6ndeed!& said .ole! h$rrying on0 "Then she takes her seat $pon
the throne and says! 8.y -ords! pray be seated2!& here$pon the
-ord Great Chamberlain is sent to s$mmon the Commons0 #nd this
is here yo$ come in! and it gets really thrilling!& ,.ole sensed that
he as losing the Toad2s f$ll attention/! "beca$se this great )fficer
of *tate then raises his and of officeH&
"Do yo$ mean to say that he2s a magician9& cried Toad
snapping to attention and p$tting don his coffee c$p0
"6n a constit$tional sense!& said .ole! not ishing to disab$se
him at this cr$cial point in the narrative0 "*o then the Gentleman
Csher of the 5lack Rod advances toards the Chamber of the
Commons!&
"5y Jove!& said Toad! "yo$ do eave B$ite a yarn%&
"This is living history Toad! living history!& declared the .ole0
"Whatever yo$ say! old chap! b$t it2s gripping st$ff%&
.ole no had his a$dience eating o$t of the palm of his pa( he
decided to make the most of it0 "5$t 7$st as he arrives at the doors
they are slammed in his face ? 7$st as .arshall described! hich
represents the independence of the Commons from the Cron0 Then
5lack Rod strikes $pon them three times ith the Rod and is then
admitted0 +e bos to the *peaker! approaches the Dispatch bo3!
and declares0 ".r *peaker! The P$een commands this hono$rable
+o$se to attend +er .a7esty immediately in the +o$se of Peers0&
The *peaker leads the ay! folloed by the *er7eant'at'#rms
bearing the ceremonial mace0 The .Ps! by tradition! sa$nter
thro$gh in pairs la$ghing and 7oking ' to symbolise their frankly
cavalier attit$de toards the Cron ' $ntil they arrive at the 5ar of
the -ords0&
Toad! ho as by no familiar ith this partic$lar concept!
nodded and reached for a another slice of toast0 The .ole
contin$ed0 "Then the P$een delivers her speech! hich everybody
pretends is hat she is personally planning ? b$t is in fact ritten by
the Cabinet ' so she has to give her consent to all sorts of things
hich she might not even agree ith0 5eca$se of this she reads it in
=F
a caref$lly practised monotone! so that nobody can tell hat she is
thinking0&
"# bit like J$lian!& said Toad sympathetically0
"This speech is ritten on goatskin vell$m0& .ole e3plained0
"Where on earth do yo$ get hold of that in this day and age9&
e3claimed Toad0
"6 don2t kno!& said .ole! testily! "any good goatskin vell$m
shop! 6 sho$ldn2t onder0 #nyay! then the P$een concl$des by
saying! ".y -ords and .embers of the +o$se of Commons! 6 pray
that the blessing of #lmighty God may rest $pon yo$r co$nsels!&
"Was that la$rels9& said Toad! ho co$ld barely hear himself
think for the so$nd of m$nching toast0
"For heaven2s sake Toad% Co$nsels%& cried an e3asperated
.ole0 Taking a deep breath and co$nting to ten! he regained his
compos$re0 "We2re nearly done Toad0 #fter all this! the Commons
retire to consider the )$tlaries 5illH&
"6 say!& e3claimed the Toad! "that does so$nd e3citing%&
"62m afraid it2s 7$st a formality!& said .ole! "b$t over the ne3t
fe days the contents of the P$een2s *peech are disc$ssed( the
cabinet are sorn in! and the *peaker is elected ? and then 8dragged
$nillingly2 to the *peaker2s 5ench0
"That does so$nd like a r$m do!& said Toad! "then hy did he
stand for the 7ob in the first place9&
"Well in the old days they got e3ec$ted if they said anything
that the *overeign didn2t like! so it asn2t a very pop$lar 7ob0&
"+mm!& m$sed Toad! "these days it seems to be the other ay
aro$nd0&
"#nyay!& said ".ole! "there yo$ have it( it2s straightforard
eno$gh! b$t yo$2re going to have to look lively! and p$t on yo$r best
bib and t$cker0 62ll send Derek $p0& #nd leaving Toad to marvel at
the onders of the Constit$tion! and finish his breakfast! .ole
departed to complete his on preparations and to ask Ethel to make
him some more coffee and toast! Toad having demolished
everything on the tray leaving only a fe cr$mbs0
Toad! enth$sed by .ole2s description of the forthcoming
pageant! as ready in good time ? and even got B$ite shirty ith
Derek over that orthy fello2s indecision abo$t socks0 .ole!
having r$n a clothes br$sh over his coat! as aiting in the hall0
=G
#nd so! f$ll of cheerf$l anticipation! the animals set off for the
Palace of Westminster0 They had bags of time! so they pa$sed to
e3change pleasantries ith their feathered acB$aintances in the park!
and even the geese ere fairly civil hen the p$rpose of the friends2
7o$rney as e3plained0
Despite a slightly frosty reception from the Clerk of the
Parliaments! everything passed off 7$st as the .ole had described0
Toad as obvio$sly not privy to those mystical proceedings that
transpired before the Commons as s$mmoned to the -ords by
5lack Rod ' a tall man of military bearing ' b$t once they ere
called to attend the P$een! Toad sa$ntered bea$tif$lly0 -eslie
Chippendale'5ill! hoever! ho alked beside him! did not seem to
have mastered sa$ntering at all! and co$ld not have been less
inso$ciant if he had been attending a f$neral0
)f co$rse! once they reached the -ords! the retched problem of
restricted space cropped $p again and Toad as forced to make
some B$ite $ndignified manoe$vres ' c$lminating in peering
beteen an +ono$rable .ember2s legs ' in order to get any sort of a
vie of the magnificent spectacle0 Cloaked in her overhelming
robes of office! and ith the da44ling cron encircling her d$tif$l
head! the *overeign described ,in rather too m$ch detail for the
$ncomfortable Toad2s liking/ hat 8.y Government2 had in mind
for the forthcoming session of Parliament0 Toad! tho$gh yielding to
no'one in his patriotism! as B$ite glad hen she concl$ded her
constit$tionally monotono$s speech ith the ords! ".y -ords and
.embers of the +o$se of Commons! 6 pray that the blessing of
#lmighty God may rest $pon yo$r co$nsels0& Together ith his
colleag$es! the Toad boed and then retreated ith them to their
on comparatively dingy Chamber0 +ere the )$tlaries 5ill as
presented ' hich as the .ole had arned t$rned o$t to be
something of a damp sB$ib0 Then they la$nched into an #ddress in
Reply to +er .a7esty2s Gracio$s *peech b$t! by no Toad had had
eno$gh and andered off to find .ole and some refreshment0
# harassed G$inea Pig directed them to something called The
Canteen0 5$t on entering this heaving place! Toad2s knees t$rned to
ater at the horror spread o$t before him0 The mere sight of the
=I
glass'fronted cabinets filled ith dreary offerings rapped in
cellophane ' of hot'plates groaning $nder the eight of food hich
had clearly been cooked ho$rs earlier( the endless B$e$e of hollo'
eyed! sep$lchral fig$res sh$ffling to their doom at the till ' hilst
casting despairing glances abo$t them for somehere to sit and
ingest this Fa$stian picnic ' each cl$tching their on individ$al
trays! on hich ere heaped the grisly offerings of this infernal
factory of food0 Toad as gripped by dread and loathing0 +e
staggered back aghast! despite .ole2s soothing remonstrations0
#fter fortifying himself ith a stiff brandy in a convenient bar!
since that animal insisted on the need for something strong to steady
his nerves after hat he had 7$st itnessed0 Then! ith the benefit
of the helpf$l bartender2s advice! they made their ay to the
*trangers2 Dining Room ,hich seemed aptly named to a Toad so
far from home/ b$t t$rned o$t to be a fairly decent resta$rant hich
at least had starched hite tablecloths! a ine list and some aiters0
#s he t$cked his napkin into his collar! Toad sh$ddered at the ra
recollection of the dreadf$l e3perience from hich they had so
narroly escaped0 For ever afterards! that vision of hell o$ld be
seared into his mind and! thro$gho$t his s$bseB$ent career! it
became a so$rce of perverse strength! in alloing him to identify
ith the very real privations of the poor0 -ittle did he realise! as he
t$cked into his B$ite passable lobster thermidor! and sipped a
chilling Frascati ,7$st half a bottle in deference to .ole2s barely
hidden an3iety at ho m$ch drinking he as doing before the s$n
ent don over the yard arm/ that he had that day been granted the
precio$s gift of empathy0
#t the same time .ole toyed fretf$lly ith a salad 1iNoise0 6t
as occ$rring to him that it as going to be an +erc$lean Task
keeping Toad in check and he as beginning to onder if he as $p
to it on his on0 +e didn2t! therefore! intervene hen that hearty
animal ordered the sticky p$dding folloed by coffee! b$t .ole2s
blood press$re as dangero$sly high as Toad dropped his Diners
card onto the bill0
6t having been s$ch a momento$s day! both animals ere
disinclined to spend the evening immersed in the sybaritic charms of
=J
their ell'appointed residence and decided instead to partake of one
of the lavish theatrical treats available on their doorstep0
#ltho$gh .ole as himself dran to a very ell received
prod$ction of $armen at *adler2s Wells! he s$spected that this might
not be entirely to Toad2s liking0 +aving pored thro$gh the remains
of the *$nday papers ' after recovering them from the recycling bin '
he identified a promising e3ample of the m$sical theatre ,described
as a tour de ,orce by 4&e Sunday 4ime)/ entitled! +greeable
Sibling)0 6t as based $pon the lives and ork of the late tentieth
cent$ry m$sical combo ? the $niversally acclaimed 1olan *isters0
This delightf$l entertainment as celebrating the fo$rteenth year of
its r$n at The Theatre Royal Dr$ry -ane ith a ;>K disco$nt on
tickets ' for one night only0 There as! therefore! absol$tely no
e3c$se for the ell'to'do to avoid it0
.ole2s caref$l choice proved to be an overhelming s$ccess0
#t half past si3 the to friends ,having been acco$tred in their best
smart'cas$als by Derek/ took a ta3i to Covent Garden0 Toad
7$stified this e3travagance on the gro$nds of his recent in hich
o$ld! he declared! be dedicated to posth$mo$sly celebrating the
horse2s prodigio$s feat ith an entirely -ack -$stre evening0 They
cons$med a not altogether $npleasant dinner of #lsation c$isine
ashed don ith to bottles of -es Fle$rs d$ .al 2=J at
-2Escargot 6nconsolable in Great P$een *treet0 Then! in e3cellent
spirits! they strolled don to Dr$ry -ane arm'in'arm0 .ole had! by
the 7$dicio$s $se of his credit card! hich he employed very
sparingly ,being ever mindf$l of the threat posed by identity theft/
acB$ired a pair of front ro tickets for the +greeable Sibling) thanks
to a last min$te cancellation0
From the opening n$mber! 8We ere 5igger than the 5eatles in
Japan!2 to the concl$ding rendition of 8-ove 5andit!2 Toad
appla$ded $ntil his pas ere sore0 +e partic$larly en7oyed both
intervals! and they ent home in a bicycle ricksha des$ltorily
propelled by a yo$ng Cr$g$ayan gentleman ' ho gloried in the
name of .aria Jes$s y Todo -os *antos! and as as la4y as he as
grasping0 The Toad sang 862m in the .ood for Dancing2 all the ay
home0
=L
Chapter Twelve
#ll these events having occ$rred in the first eek of December!
Toad didn2t even have the opport$nity to deliver the maiden speech
that .ole as riting for him before Parliament ad7o$rned for the
Christmas recess0 +o happy they ere at the prospect of snatching
a fe brief eeks in dear old Riverbank in hich to celebrate the
festive season ith their tr$est friends0
5efore they travelled don! .ole braved the crods in search
of little presents to take home0 5$t not even the horrors of the
Tottenham Co$rt Road had prepared him for the sheer br$tal
nastiness of )3ford *treet at this time of year0 Time after time the
poor harassed little gentleman as nearly trampled to death! or
p$shed into the path of an oncoming b$s! and he B$ickly discovered
that the Closing Don sales ere of d$bio$s veracity0 6n the
meanhile! Toad genero$sly sent Derek o$t Peter Jones for
s$mpt$o$s gifts0
Jaro4lav as going home to MrakV for a ell'earned holiday(
they ere 7$st going to have to manage itho$t him over Christmas0
*o! hile Derek and Ethel drove on ahead ith the p$rchases! Toad
and .ole travelled don by train0 #ltho$gh they ent first class!
and .ole had taken the sensible preca$tion of booking ell ahead!
in order to obtain the best possible deal ' amongst the beildering
array of promotions on offer ' they! nonetheless! had to share the
carriage ith several other travellers0 Despite this hardship! they
arrived in an e3cellent mood to be met by no other personage than
the Water Rat himself! ho had engaged the services of .ohammed
for the p$rpose0 .ole as rapt$ro$s to be re$nited ith Ratty! and
Toad greeted him very eff$sively ' for they had been great friends
for a long time0 .ohammed! strangely! as rather reticent ,being
somehat overcome by Toad2s ne fo$nd poer and infl$ence/0
5$t once he had loaded their hand l$ggage into the boot of his
Pe$geot ' hich as looking noticeably more battered ' and they
had all sB$ee4ed in! he rela3ed! and set off for Toad +all0
==
#nd hat a 7olly homecoming it as% 6n spite of Jaro4lav2s
absence the ho$se as ready to receive them ' thanks to the tender
ministrations of Derek and *erg@0 # gaily decorated tree dominated
the hall amidst the streamers! and Ethel as already baking mince
pies0 That night! as the first light d$sting of sno cast its eerie
magic across their native co$ntryside! they sat aro$nd a real log fire
toasting their toes and one another0 #fter an e3cellent s$pper! they
said their hearty goodbyes and then Ratty and .ole rapped their
coats and scarves abo$t them! p$lled on their gloves and trotted
across the lan in the brilliant starlight reflected by the frosty grass!
to here their little skiff as moored0 When the oars bit into the
river! they co$ld hear the slight cr$nching of afer thin ice! as the
delicate bos carved a path thro$gh the familiar ater0
+o good it as to be back in the little b$rro that they had
shared for so many years after rattling aro$nd in those great ho$ses!
hich ere not tr$ly to .ole2s taste0 The embers of the fire! hich
the Water Rat had isely banked $p ith cinders! B$ickly sprang to
life! and soon they ere sleepily B$affing m$lled ale hile the .ole
regaled his friend ith tales of -ondon0 From time to time the Rat
said things like! "bless my so$l%& or! "did he really9& 5$t in tr$th he
as 7$st happy to be re$nited ith his friend! and it o$ld not have
mattered overm$ch hat he as saying0
+oever! things ere not B$ite as they had been in the dreamy
past0 Tr$e! Toad had been a notable local! b$t no neither he nor
.ole co$ld go o$t for a alk itho$t being accosted by some
creat$re ith a grievance0 )n every s$b7ect from blocked drains to
loft lagging they ere e3pected to have strong feelings0 #nd if they
didn2t! oe betide them0 #fter an especially $npleasant enco$nter
ith a left'leaning d$ck ' ho as B$ite $nnecessarily aving the
Tory .anifesto $nder his nose! Toad snapped and advised his
tormentor! in! admittedly B$ite intemperate lang$age! to go and
dabble elsehere0 Cnfort$nately! this tale siftly did the ro$nds of
the constit$ency! b$t the pop$lar Toad as still in his honeymoon
period! and l$ckily for the ne .ember for Riverside the d$ck had
fe friends ' on acco$nt of his aversion to ater0 #nd so Toad as
able to ride o$t this partic$lar storm0
;>>
1evertheless! it served as a ca$tion! and the .ole as
s$fficiently concerned to iss$e a statement making it clear that the
o$tb$rst had been provoked by the d$ck for political advantage! and
in no ay e3pressed the Toad2s tr$e feelings ? tho$gh it 7olly ell
did! said Toad ' hen .ole remonstrated ith him0
For the sake of their friend! the Water Rat and the .ole agreed
to spend Christmas ith Toad ? even tho$gh it meant sacrificing the
armth of their on little hearth for the grandiose s$rro$ndings of
Toad +all0 *o they packed a fe things! looked abo$t them in
temporary fareell! and sc$lled $p the river0
Despite their misgivings! they had a onderf$l Christmas0
Ethel2s idoed mother had come to stay and! aided and abetted by
this philosophical oman! her da$ghter2s creativity kne no bo$nds
? especially since there as a degree of veiled competition beteen
them0 Derek and *erg@ ere very spry( they all had crackers
a2plenty! and sat abo$t the fire roasting chestn$ts on Christmas Eve0
They ere e3tremely solicito$s hen the field mice came aro$nd
carolling! invited them in to arm themselves! and sent them home
ith their pockets b$lging ith goodies ' and the tinkle of coinage0
#fter l$nch on the great day itself ? a magnificent spread ith
all the trimmings ' they atched the P$een2s *peech and! altho$gh
the Toad did perhaps imply a degree of intimacy ith +er .a7esty!
hich as somehat in e3cess of the tr$th! the .ole ' replete as he
as ith st$ffing ' let it go! in the spirit of the season0 Then they
had their presents! and no one as left o$t ,not even Ethel2s m$m!
thanks to an inspired r$sh order to
0hatonearthhaveyo$forgottenno0com by .ole! hich
res$lted in the overnight delivery of a do'it'yo$rself pasta maker!
ith hich she as thrilled/0
The tho$ghtf$l Toad had even privily acB$ired a leaf'bloer for
Derek0 )f co$rse! ro$sing 5adger at this time of the year o$ld
have been terribly bad form! b$t they had prepared a h$ge hamper
for him packed ith all his favo$rite foodst$ffs! and a small
assortment of tonic ines ' as ell as little treats! and a holesome
selection of organic ch$tneys0 #lso incl$ded ere an array of
nat$ral remedies ,simply $nobtainable in Riverbank/0 +aving
bo$ght him a cheerf$l Christmas card ' depicting a sno covered
y$letide log $pon hich as perched a festive robin! they entr$sted
;>;
this missive to the mercies of the post ' in the hope that! in the
f$llness of time! he might be advised that the hamper aaited his
pleas$re0
+oever! in hat seemed like no time at all! not even a month!
the recess as draing to a close! and the fatef$l s$mmons of
Westminster began to e3ert its siren call0
#s the end of this happy interval dre near! Ratty and .ole
fo$nd themselves rambling across the still! stark intry landscape in
companionable silence( neither of them ishing to refer to the
impending res$mption of their separate lives! at least $ntil the
Febr$ary recess0 Whilst the .ole as m$ch gratified that .rs
Witherspoon had condescended to res$me her d$ties and! that as a
conseB$ence! their shared home as spick and span! and Ratty as
no longer plag$ed by the ironing! he still hated to abandon his friend
once again ? especially in the depths of inter0 5$t! hen he finally
broached the s$b7ect as they headed back across the $nyielding
f$rros! the Water Rat remained adamant that .ole2s d$ty still lay
at Toad2s side0 There as simply no knoing hat foolishness that
animal co$ld get $p to $ns$pervised! and he had yet to make his
.aiden speech and properly embrace his ne responsibilities0 .ole
kne all this to be tr$e! b$t it didn2t soften the blo hen they
clasped each other2s pas in formal parting as the Toad and he once
again boarded the train for -ondon0
"6 never tho$ght 62d end $p being a dashed comm$ter%&
e3claimed the Toad! indignantly as they p$lled o$t of the station!
Ratty bravely aving0 .ole hoped against all hope that the e3citing
acco$nt that he had tried to give of the metropolis might tempt the
Water Rat to 7oin them! hoever briefly! b$t he kne that die'hard
co$ntry deller too ell to co$nt on it0
Cpon their ret$rn to *t James2s *B$are! .ole! ell rested after
the Christmas recess! b$sied himself in p$tting the finishing to$ches
to Toad2s .aiden speech0 +e realised ith relief! that this as a
more straightforard task than he had envisaged! since the speech
had certain protocols and as not intended to be overly
controversial0 +e might 7$st s$btly all$de to his ,or rather Toad2s
;>A
impending agenda/0 5$t it o$ld be later on that he o$ld really p$t
fire in Toad2s belly0
6n the meantime! Derek and *erg@ having bo$ght Toad a highly
fashionable tracks$it for Christmas ? complete ith designer logos!
lost no time in taking him o$t for a stint aro$nd the park0 Toad very
B$ickly realised that as a conseB$ence of these e3ertions! he co$ld
look forard to earing his favo$rite tro$sers for a little hile
longer and! at the same time! render himself even more all$ring to
the ladies0 Th$s inspired! Toad bo$nced aro$nd the pathay to the
caf@ here he demanded a c$p of tea and a slice of 5attenb$rg cake
to replenish his s$gar levels before contin$ing on! *erg@ looking
every inch the personal trainer in tight black lyrca shorts and vest at
his side ith a not B$ite so enth$siastic Derek trailing in their ake(
hen *erg@ had s$ggested the pro7ect to get Toad fit! Derek had not
imagined he o$ld be roped into it too since it as *erg@ ho had
all the keep fit B$alifications and the physiB$e to go ith them b$t!
*erg@ had been so pressing that Derek had been $nable to resist0
*o it as a fitter! leaner Toad ho res$med his seat in
Parliament! f$lly eB$ipped ith .ole2s .aiden *peech0 6n keeping
ith Parliamentary tradition! Toad2s contrib$tion took precedence
over that of more established .embers ' once he had s$cceeded in
catching the *peaker2s eye0 +aving achieved this feat! he stood $p
,most fashionably and elegantly attired! and sporting a sl$b silk tie/!
and spoke as follosE
".r *peaker! +ono$rable .embers! .y Right +ono$rable
Friends0 First of all 6 sho$ld like to pay trib$te to the $nstinting
service of my predecessor! P$entin *t John! to the constit$ency of
Riverbank ' hich 6 no have the hono$r to represent here! in the
.other of Parliaments0 Riverbank is a charming mi3ed comm$nity
combining the best of the ne ith that $nshakeable tradition hich
is $niB$ely English0 We glory in o$r heritage! are coming to terms
ith the contemporary! and look forard to the f$t$re ith
confidence0
6t is my ambition! having been th$s entr$sted by the voters! to
make some small contrib$tion to the life of this great co$ntry of
o$rs0 6 am! of co$rse! pro$d to be a Conservative! ith all the val$es
;>D
that are represented in o$r manifesto ' on hich e have been
ret$rned to lead the nation thro$gh the $ndo$bted challenges that lie
ahead0 6 believe passionately in a fairer more incl$sive society! in
orking! together ith o$r partners in E$rope! to p$t the imperilled
planet first! 6 am committed to b$ilding $p o$r great p$blic services
for the good of allH& #ltho$gh .ole! pro$dly observing the effect
of his caref$lly crafted ords! as satisfied that they ere entirely
$ncontroversial! some of Toad2s colleag$es began to cast $neasy
glances at one another! hoever! Freddy Fo3 locked eyes! a self'
satisfied smirk on his symmetrical feat$res! ith the ne leader of
the )pposition ,an iron'haired yo$ng man ith do$btf$l eyes! and
7$st the trace of a comely hare'lip! by the name of Roger Ribbon '
ho had $nseated +odgkinson over Christmas by the skilf$l $se of
his mobile phone/0 +is predecessor! propped $p $pon his special
c$shion to protect the backbench leather against hich he no
reclined! alloed himself a sardonic smile0 .eanhile! ith a
glance at his notes! the Toad contin$ed0 "This is neither the time nor
the place to disc$ss reneables ' $pon hich s$b7ect 6 am s$re there
can be no possible disagreementH&
8Gosh! this is boring!2 tho$ght Toad! accidentally on p$rpose
dropping the te3t over hich .ole had sacrificed so m$ch sleep0
"6t 7$st remains for me to say!& he declaimed to a largely
indifferent +o$se! "that altho$gh there isn2t a proper bookmakers
here! 6 don2t think politics is as dreadf$l as people make o$t0 62ve
tried the food and it2s B$ite edible' altho$gh 6 do think that the ine
list needs some attention ,.ole snapped to aghast attention/! b$t all'
in'all! it2s not half bad! and 62m looking forard to some of these
fact'finding beanos one hears so m$ch abo$t0 #nd it2s 7olly decent
of yo$ all to give a chap a bit of pin money0 )h! and the thingie
ith the sn$ff is very genero$s too! altho$gh 6 haven2t had a chance
to take advantage of that yet! b$t 62m s$re 6 ill0 They say there2s
no s$ch thing as a free l$nch! b$t here yo$ can get a good pinch for
nothing0 1o! all in all! it2s not half bad! and even -ondon doesn2t
seem to be as nasty as my father arned me it o$ld be ? at least not
the bit aro$nd *t0 James2s Park0 #nd 62m really en7oying the little
ho$se ? hich yo$2ve been kind eno$gh to b$y me there0 *o to any
;>F
of yo$ ho are thinking of becoming an .P( 6 say that there are a
bally sight orse things in the ay of employment0&
1o by convention! a .aiden speech is never interr$pted or
appla$ded! b$t some of the old bottoms on the government benches
co$ld not resist an approving ch$ckle at Toad2s concl$ding remarks(
so relieved ere they to hear that his opening ones had merely been
a ploy to rong'foot the asto$nded opposition0 Freddy looked
craftily abo$t him trying to ga$ge the general effect of Toad2s
ambig$o$s ords0 +e may ell be a loose cannon! he concl$ded!
b$t one that he as party leader might be able to $se to good effect!
since Toad seemed to appeal to all sections of the Party ? and the
notion of him ever posing any sort of threat as la$ghable0 +e had
no intention of going the ay of +odgkinson he reflected!
dispassionately eyeing that $nhappy creat$re0 Roger Ribbon! on the
other hand! might prove a bit more tricksy0
6t as in the central lobby! amidst m$ch back slapping! and cries
of "good sho! old chap!& and! "glad to have yo$ on board%& and the
like! from some of the old ar horses! that .ole $nearthed the Toad0
"What on earth ere yo$ thinking of9& he hissed0 "6 don2t get
yo$r drift!& replied Toad! "6 7$st recited all that baloney yo$ gave me
to say! and then signed off ith a fe ell'chosen ords of my
on0&
")h that2s hat they ere! a ,e! !ell5c&o)en !ord)%& said .ole
ca$stically0 "Don2t yo$ realise that yo$2ve made a fool not only o$t
of yo$rself! b$t o$t of the hole political process9 <o$2ve
confirmed the electorate2s orst fears( yo$2ve s$nk o$r great
enterprise before it2s even left the harbo$r%&
")h don2t carry on so! let2s go and get a drink!& the Toad
responded0 J$st then Roger Ribbon approached! ".r Toad! isn2t it9
1ice line in post'modern irony0 6 can see 62m going to have to keep
an eye on yo$0& #nd ith a not entirely h$moro$s ch$ckle! he
moved on ' parting the crod before him0 .ole stared after him
d$mbfo$nded0
When they got home! rather than settling don ith Toad for a
pleasant heart'to'heart abo$t the day2s events! .ole left him
assid$o$sly scanning the *acing 2o)t and sh$t himself aay in the
;>G
office for a good brood0 6t as clear that things o$ld not be as
simple as they had first appeared hen the altr$istic plan of steering
Toad in the general direction of isdom had originally been hatched0
The orld had moved on! or so it seemed to the pensive .ole! and
ith this nely ret$rned Conservative government the ind as
bloing in a ne and $npredictable direction0
+e as not rong0 The ne r$ling Party! intent on raising the
profile of Westminster and improving the image of its deni4ens! as
already involved in clandestine talks ith a n$mber of broadcasters0
There had! of co$rse! been e3tensive coverage of proceedings for
some time! and both the Commons and the -ords gloried in a rich
array of microphones and cameras0 +oever! the Parliamentary
Channel available on cable and satellite ell after the ad$lt
entertainment and sports! as attracting a pitif$lly small share of the
vieing fig$res! and as frankly not paying its ay0 #ll too often
the content as of half a do4en members! sleeping off a heavy l$nch!
hile some less than charismatic Cnder'*ecretary of *tate
e3patiated on the virt$es of an e3ceedingly d$ll and
incomprehensible amendment0 There as no getting aay from the
fact that it simply asn2t se3y0 Frederick Fo3 and a select coterie of
close advisors ere in the advanced stages of negotiations ,hich
had! in fact! been initiated even before the election/ ith certain
interested parties0 They ere secretly cond$cting an a$ction for the
e3cl$sive rights to market proceedings in parliament! hich! if
s$ccessf$l! co$ld be s$bseB$ently sp$n as a clever risk'free ay of
raising e3tra reven$e0 Coverage had alays been regarded as the
e3cl$sive province of the 55C ' along ith bols! b$t times ere
changing0 The Prime .inister sa the scheme as a means of
increasing the p$blic appeal of politics ? and perhaps that of his on
good self! hile! at the same time generating a little e3tra income! in
a practical ay! to cover the trifling e3penses to hich the members
cl$ng0
The interested companies had been invited to s$bmit sealed bids0
The 55C as regarded ith s$spicion! and had not! therefore! been
approached in case some cynical 7o$rnalist let the cat o$t of the bag0
Fe of the terrestrial channels co$ld see m$ch mileage in the
concept! b$t keen to 7ockey for position ith the $ntested ne
;>I
administration! p$t in tentative bids0 6t as only the satellite
behemoths ' ith global reach ' that co$ld see any commercial
advantage in e3posing the B$aint antics of Westminster to a ider
a$dience0 )f these S%in)ter >rbiting Service)! or *)* p$t in a
respectable bid! b$t only >96one Inc0 ' )i% ' oned by the el$sive
5en -aden! had the vision to embrace the idea f$lly0 ConseB$ently!
)i%2s offer as abs$rdly in e3cess of its rivals ,or so it seemed! at
the time/ and accepting it ' as far as Freddy and his friends ere
concerned! as a no'brainer0 #nd so it as to this master of many
loyalties and none! that the e3ploitation of these important p$blic
d$ties as devolved0 +oever! ith s$ch a h$ge o$tlay to reco$p!
5en considered it as time for some bl$e'sky thinking0
)f co$rse the .ole kne nothing of these machinations0 +e sat
there! pondering and distracted hen it came $pon him like a s$dden
revelation! that the constit$ency o$ld not r$n itself! that he had
been neglecting that side of things and had better b$ckle don to
b$siness0 6t as something of a relief! indeed! to t$rn his attention
from ma7or to minor affairs ' from the grand to the partic$lar0 The
eco'system o$ld 7$st have to take care of itself for an ho$r or to0
+e sitched on the comp$ter to check the e'mails and! in the
meantime! played back the ansaphone ,ind$lging! as he did so! in the
reclining facility of the e3ec$tive chair/ ith hich! in a moment of
madness! he had f$rnished the office0
There as a call from -ady Gertr$de enB$iring as to the
progress of events in -ondon! and mentioning that she might be
coming $p to ton ith Fennela ' and rather fishing! .ole sensed!
for an invitation to stay0
Do$g .ink had left a very sharp message demanding that Toad
get onto the .inister for +o$sing! do$ble B$ick! abo$t this retched
eco'ton hich as! apparently! leaching credit from his on hard'
on enterprises in the generally sagging market0 This as not an
iss$e on hich Do$g and .ole shared B$ite the same perspective!
b$t the .ole as! nonetheless! hono$r'bo$nd to raise it ith Toad
,knoing f$ll ell that it o$ld get no f$rther/0
;>J
#nd then a not entirely $nrelated call from! of all people!
.ohammed! the mini'cab driver0 6t appeared that the poor fello2s
ho$se as abo$t to be repossessed0 +e had! it seemed! B$ite against
all the principles of his faith! taken o$t a loan for RAG!>>> sec$red
against the val$e of his property0 Terrifyingly! he no fo$nd
himself in the 7as of negative eB$ity! and as abo$t to be cast o$t
onto the streets from the three bed'roomed ho$se in hich he and his
devoted ives had raised their si3 children ? and #llah be praised!
had another on the ay0 This m$ch the .ole co$ld divine from the
poor tiger2s overro$ght acco$nt of his misfort$nes0 6t as a heart'
breaking set of circ$mstances! and not one that any animal of feeling
co$ld ignore0
Witho$t even pa$sing to per$se the e'mails! .ole h$rried don
the stairs in search of Toad0 +e met Jaro4lav! ho had ret$rned
from Poland ith a lighter step( not having failed to notice the
marked improvement in the economic climate of his native land! and
realised! that if things $nravelled badly in the CM! there o$ld soon
be a healthy demand for b$ttling services closer to home0 6f that
failed! there as alays his medical training to fall back on! b$t he
liked his position! as fond of Toad! and had the r$n of to
enormo$s ho$ses! here he lived rent free ' hich meant that he
co$ld invest his genero$s salary in his little hobbies! that despite
market sentiment c$rrently incl$ded ca$tio$sly acB$iring C0*0
Treas$ry 5onds at rock bottom prices ? to bolster his small portfolio
' over'eighted as it as in favo$r of commercial property bo$ght at
a$ction! soft commodities and gold0 6n addition he had a certain
$nderstanding ith Ethel0
"<o$ haven2t seen .r Toad! have yo$9& enB$ired .ole politely
? for he still fo$nd the b$tler a bit intimidating0
"<es sir! 6 believe he2s gone o$t for a r$n ith yo$ng .r Derek!
since it2s .r *erge2s day off& Jaro4lav replied gravely0
")h bother%& said .ole! B$ite forgetting himself! "and 6
partic$larly anted to talk to him0 That fat$o$s beast is never
aro$nd hen yo$ need him! and alays aro$nd hen yo$ don2t%&
"62m B$ite s$re he on2t be long! sir!& came the considered
reply0 Jaro4lav as proved entirely correct( it as only a matter of
;>L
min$tes before Toad bo$nced into the hallay! a hot and tired
looking Derek a fe paces behind him!
")h .ole% What f$n! e ran aro$nd the park three times and
62m s$re 6 passed J$ne on her ay to ork0& Toad preened! "no she
can see hat she2s missing%&
Derek cl$tched the doorpost "6 think *erge sho$ld go ith yo$
on yo$r ne3t r$n .r Toad! 6 don2t think 6 am really c$t o$t for this0&
"<o$ 7$st need a 7olly good sit'don0 )h .oley be a pal and
help Derek into a chair before he perishes on the door mat0& .ole
did his best to conceal his am$sement as Derek collapsed gracef$lly
into the nearest chair0
"6 think 6 need a glass of ater!& he looked at .ole appealingly0
"+onestly! yo$ barely made it to the ice'cream stand! 6 do
declare 6 shall go 7ogging on my on in f$t$re%& Toad declared
thinking that it also might be B$ite convenient! the d$cks looked like
they had B$ite a good poker game going and itho$t a personal
trainer in to he o$ld be free to investigate0
"There! there! yo$2ll be $p and r$nning in no time!& said .ole
tactlessly! coming back to hand Derek a tall glass ith his favo$rite
fi44y ater! ice and a slice of lime0 Derek shot him a look that said
not if he had anything to do ith it0
Toad as by no finishing his arming don stretches and
deeming it as a good time to interr$pt! .ole asked him if he come
into the st$dy for a moment so he co$ld delicately raise the s$b7ect
of .ohammed2s plight0
Toad appeared to listen attentively as .ole e3plained the
problem b$t! this as partly d$e to the fact that he as po$ring
himself a large brandy hile still thinking abo$t the d$cks2 poker
game0 #ll the same! he did! s$rprisingly! seem to get the gist of it!
nodding in agreement as .ole said "The poor fello! e m$st do
something for him Toadie! after all yo$ are his .P! and if he can2t
t$rn to yo$ then hat2s the point of getting yo$rself elected9&
"5e fair! .ole! 6 didn2t have m$ch to do ith it0 #ll the same he
seemed a decent sort0& +e took another sl$rp of his brandy! "b$t! 6
think 62ve got an ideaH&
"#re yo$ s$re9& said the .ole! d$bio$sly0 "<es! and it2s a 7olly
good one0 62ve had a hee4e0&
;>=
"6 kno!& responded .ole! "6 as B$ite orried abo$t yo$ for a
min$te0&
"1ot that kind of hee4e%& e3claimed Toad! impatiently! "an
altogether better one%&
"Well! fire aay! old chap0&
"Wo$ld yo$ arg$e! .ole! ith the proposition that .ohammed
and his family don2t really have eno$gh space to live in! and that
62ve got rather a lot9&
"What are yo$ saying Toad9& asked .ole! ith 7$st a hint of
disbelief in his voice0 "Well they co$ld come and live ith $s! of
co$rse0 +eaven knos 6 need a driver ? 62ll be dead and b$ried
before those monsters at the D:-# give me my licence back0 )h
.ole! yo$ kno that2s tr$e0& +is voice cracked0 "6f .ohammed
comes to stay he2ll be able to hisk me abo$t! it2s 7$st abo$t the
only ay that 62ll keep Derek off my back0&
"Why Toad! that2s a onderf$l and thoro$ghly decent idea! and
of co$rse .ohammed doesn2t drink! hich ill be all to the good0
5$t 6 do think e might have to splash o$t on a ne car ith all d$e
respect to his Pe$geot0&
"Well! as long as yo$ get a receipt .ole! 6 believe that2s the
thing0&
"<o$ 7$st leave everything to me! yo$ genero$s! noble animal!&
cried the ecstatic .ole0 "Don2t forget to r$n it past Jaro4lav and the
cre! e don2t ant a m$tiny on a hands%&
")f co$rse not Toad! b$t 6 onder if you o$ld very m$ch mind
talking to Jaro4lav9 6 don2t mind admitting that he still makes me
feel a trifle small0&
"<o$ 7$st leave him to me0& said Toad! amicably draining his
glass0
J$lian had no ob7ections! hen .ole ,somehat nervo$sly/
broached the s$b7ect ith him ' appreciating! as he did! that
.ohammed2s ages co$ld legitimately be reclaimed0 +e as even
prepared to rite don the o$tstanding debt on the ho$se ?
confident of medi$m to long'term capital groth0 Ethel did have her
reservations! b$t Jaro4lav ? ho rather relished the prospect of a
cha$ffe$r ' as very pers$asive0 Ethel2s mother had by no moved
in ith them on a semi'permanent basis! and so! if for no other
;;>
reason than to provoke her! Ethel finally assented0 Derek as too
ve3ed ith Toad to care0
#nd so it as that ten days later! .ohammed drove his family
$p to -ondon in a mini'b$s! e3pressly hired for that p$rpose by the
.ole0 Fatima and Whadi7a co$ld simply not believe their ne
s$rro$ndings! and andered aro$nd in a da4e trying to take it all in!
hilst the tiger c$bs ran ild0 Ethel2s mother! :enetia! ,altho$gh
herself a 5$ddhist/ promptly took them all $nder her considerable
ing ' rather to her da$ghter2s chagrin0 .asterf$lly taking control
of the sit$ation Jaro4lav assigned the ne arrivals to the top to
storeys of the ho$se! hich ere! in any case $n$sed! and! having
ten bedrooms! to bathrooms! and a large kitchen ' reasonably
f$lfilled their needs0 .ohammed! on the other hand! as more of a
problem0 +e as e3tremely pro$d and had alays been self'
employed0 +e had bro$ght his family $p by the seat of his on
bro and so he as ambivalent! despite its obvio$s merits! abo$t
accepting the ne sit$ation0 #s a conscientio$s .$slim he as also
concerned that his di$rnal d$ty to stop and pray five times! might
conflict ith his professional obligations in -ondon traffic0
5$t .ole as very sensitive to his reservations and co$ld not
have been more generally obliging! and so! little by little!
.ohammed alloed himself to be pers$aded0 #nd he perked $p
considerably! hen .ole initiated him into the onders of the
internet in the h$nt for a brand ne car0 Toad! for his part! rather
liked the general r$mp$s having led a B$iet bachelor e3istence for so
long0 +e as gratified by the respect ith hich the little tigers
treated him ' shyly peeping ro$nd the st$dy door as he per$sed his
paper0 6t made $p! in some small part! for the fact that almost
nobody he kne seemed to take him serio$sly0 *o he relished
making hat he fondly imagined ere stern faces at them ' hich
sent them sc$ttling off in fits of giggles only to ret$rn again ' in as
many si4es as a set R$ssian dolls! to orship him ane0 They
partic$larly en7oyed his co$gh drops0
While Toad as th$s distracted the B$estion of the car as
proving more contentio$s0 .ohammed as very m$ch in favo$r of
an *C: and! ideally! a +$mvee0 .ole! on the other hand! had his
;;;
heart set on a small electric r$nabo$t0 Event$ally! altho$gh
.ohammed remained far from happy! they agreed to compromise on
a hybrid ' after .ole had really p$t his foot don abo$t the F3F0
+aving! at long last! arrived at this agreement! they took a ta3i to
Peckham! to test drive the proposed ne vehicle0 .ohammed fo$nd
the e3perience of being a passenger in a black cab very novel! and
en7oyed it h$gely ? especially the headroom! hich the driver!
having gr$dgingly agreed to take them so$th of the river! e3plained
as ,mystifyingly/ designed to accommodate a gentleman2s top hat0
The shoroom as very glit4y! the vehicles very shiny! the
salesman most pers$asive and! despite the onero$s price! and
.ohammed2s dark misgivings ' they drove home that very afternoon
in a gleaming green Priap$s *m$g0
Toad took one look at the )ug and decided he would
rather prefer soething a little ore racy to be driven around
in, he did have his reputation to think of after all.
;;A
Chapter Thirteen
.eanhile! in his .anhattan pentho$se apartment on Park
#ven$e! R$dyard .aliss as earing his thinking'cap very close to
his chest0 +e as not one to be o$tfo3ed! not even by Frederick Fo3
himself0
+e had made the bitter sacrifice of selling some of his
Wimbabean assets to finance this little foray into democratic
broadcasting! so it as a matter of high principle to him that he
sho$ldn2t make a loss0 6t as clearly imperative to the great
entreprene$r and philanthropist that he needed to think o$tside the
bo3! to approach the problem from left field! and even from right
field sho$ld that be called for0 +e as a man ho believed that the
key to s$ccess lay in knoing one2s enemy! and he as l$cky
eno$gh to have plenty of those0 6t as also his policy to do his
homeork! to get the lie of the land 7$st as any great general o$ld0
6n this case that meant sei4ing the moral high gro$nd ' and selling it
dearly0 There as no'one he co$ld tr$st to reconnoitre0 +e o$ld!
therefore! have to bite the b$llet! and go himself ' even tho$gh this
meant postponing the trip to his +aaiian island ,here his personal
plastic s$rgeon as aiting patiently to perform R$dyard2s pectoral
implants/0
Wearily he te3ted his son! 5r$ce to instr$ct him in no $ncertain
terms that if he anted to earn his alloance that month he2d better
make s$re the #irb$s DL> *$per J$mbo as ready to take off as soon
as his helicopter reached JFM 6nternational #irport0 R$dyard .aliss
as not a devotee of this partic$lar method of comm$nication b$t!
5r$ce o$ld insist it as! and he had to h$mo$r the boy to a certain
e3tent! at least! $ntil he had finalised the divorce settlement ith the
*prog2s .other0
Forty min$tes later! the vast aircraft ? resplendent in the )i%
livery ' as making its stately approach to the r$nay! hile the
pilots of the sched$led planes co$ld only grit their teeth0 The
vibration $pon take'off barely ca$sed to tremble! the -o$is X:
;;D
chandelier ' ith hich a gratef$l *icilian acB$aintance had
ind$lged him0
*oon R$dyard as rela3ing! as he liked to on a long flight! ith
a vigoro$s game of mi3ed singles ith the lovely Filipino girl hom
he e3pressly employed as his airborne sB$ash partner ? preparatory
to en7oying the aB$eo$s caresses of the hirlpool bath! hich he had
7$st had installed0
#ll too soon the #DL> reached +eathro0 #s R$dyard stepped
onto the plane2s escalator to disembark! he p$lled $p his collar
against the cold dri44le! and as deeply moved hen one of his
flight attendants took the initiative of prod$cing a poerf$l patio
heater from somehere0 8There as a yo$ng fello to keep an eye
on2! tho$ght R$dyard! resolving to send someone to visit the lad in
the b$rns $nit! as he made the ten'foot dash to the aiting motorcade
of sleek! black! b$llet'proof stretch limos0 The bl$e strobes of the
police o$triders! ere reflected in the p$ddled tarmac0 Within
min$tes! the cavalcade as screaming don the #F ' casting traffic
aside like a destroyer plo$ghing thro$gh #tlantic aters ' toards
-ondon! and R$dyard2s secret hideaay here he as going to
pretend to be an ordinary to$rist hile he p$t together the practical
details of his plan0
# day or to later! having recovered from the 7et lag to hich he
as a martyr! he hopped on a n$mber LL b$s ,hich stopped!
conveniently! right o$tside the Ramada 6nn here he as staying
incognito/0 +e co$ld not believe it hen he as adamantly ordered
off on the incomprehensible gro$nds that he hadn2t bo$ght a ticket
in advance0 Then he discovered that he didn2t have the right change
for the machine! and so all'in'all! it as a distinctly fractio$s mog$l
ho finally arrived in Parliament *B$are0
Determined to make himself familiar ith the orkings of
Westminster ' itho$t being recognised! he invested in a T'shirt
$pon hich as embla4oned a Cnion Jack together ith the legend!
8.y .$m Went to -ondon! and all *he Got me as this -o$sy
*hirt2 and a navy bl$e baseball cap ith an 8#rsenal2 badge on the
front0 #rmed ith these sartorial items! he ithdre to a nearby
;;F
.cDonalds! and took advantage of their hygienic facilities to change
into the cotton'rich garment and admire the effect of the baseball cap
hich hid his receeding hairline nicely0 )n emerging! he co$ld not
help b$t be sed$ced by the heady aromas from the hotplates! and
s$cc$mbed to the delights of a ?c2At8 de ,oie gra) auB
c&am%ignon) du bo)Cue ith large fries and a straberry shake!
before depositing the Charles Tyrhitt shirt! hich he had formerly
been earing! in the resta$rant2s litter bin0 Then he donned his
Dolce T Gabbana s$nglasses and directed his steps toards the
p$blic entrance to the +o$se of Commons0
+aving fo$ght a r$nning battle ith the sec$rity services of
many nations in his ill$strio$s career! R$dyard as not fa4ed by the
reB$irement to empty his pockets! take off his perpet$al motion
Role3 s$bmariner! yield $p his iPod! and pass thro$gh a metal
detector! before receiving his stick'on visitor n$mber badge ,III/!
and 7oining the B$e$e for the p$blic gallery0 .any narro and
tisting steps later ' often incommoded by the polyglots ahead! he
as finally $shered onto the alarmingly steep ooden benches
provided for the least e3alted0 Deferring to the ch$rch'like h$sh in
hich one co$ld hear the -iberal Democrat member for Pett
5ottom2s voice drop! R$dyard picked his ay don the precipito$s
steps $ntil he fo$nd a convenient place to sit in the barely half'f$ll
gallery0
What str$ck him immediately ,apart from the des$ltory
spectacle of the +o$se at ork/ ere the cameras! the T: screens
and the microphones ranged all aro$nd ' immortalising the
hono$rable member for Pett 5ottom2s passionate remarks on the
clear and pressing need for the labelling of cake to be based $pon the
p$rchaser2s 5.60 5$t to R$dyard! the most impressive aspect of the
hole scenario ,even e3ceeding that of the rather r$bic$nd assistant
speaker in hispered conference ith the clerk! as to the e3act
nat$re of the 5ody .ass 6nde3/ as the h$ge glass screen br$tally
engineered to prevent any possibility of physical interco$rse
beteen the legislators! and the orld they served0 The pieces of the
7igsa ere falling into place in the mind of the most dreaded man
on earth0
;;G
+e reclaimed his val$ables! e3ited the palace ? only once losing
his ay! and! $nilling to end$re yet again the indignities of the
n$mber LL! hailed a ta3i sec$re in the knoledge that not even his
on .other o$ld recognise him in the cheap t'shirt! baseball cap
and smelling of chips0 )n his specific instr$ctions! the cabbie drove
him back to the Ramada 6nn0 R$dyard as sec$re in the knoledge
that his room as f$lly eB$ipped ith tea and coffee making
facilities( he intended to take f$ll advantage of them0 This as to be
the Wolf2s -air from hich he o$ld min$tely orchestrate his
campaign ? at very reasonable rates0
)nce he had discovered the appropriate place to dispose of the
-ipton2s tea bag and the little bron plastic C+: milk container!
itho$t making a mess in the sa$cer! he snapped open his hand'
tooled .ont 5lanc briefcase! and set to ork designing a flo chart
depicting the translation of the c$rrent activities of Westminster into
cash0 6t as immediately apparent that it o$ld take more than the
5.6 of cake to satisfy the vieers0 The hole thing o$ld have to
be spiced $p almost beyond recognition b$t the basics ere there0
What it did have going for it ere brand recognition! a ell'
established logo! a potential $pmarket a$dience giving scope for
val$e added prod$ct placement! a degree of e3isting broadcasting
infrastr$ct$re ,altho$gh this o$ld almost certainly need to be
$pgraded ith the installation of stylish satellite dishes on the roof!
and a great many more cameras ? especially hidden ones/! beca$se
R$dyard shredly divined that the b$siness of government co$ld not
possibly be as d$ll as the scenes he had 7$st itnessed0
This meant that a great many strategic decisions and
relationships! both formal and informal! m$st be taking place off
camera! and these ere the scenes that he co$ld sell ? stitch'$ps in
the toilets sprang to his mind! hich meant an appeal right across the
social spectr$m0 #ll the CCT: footage in the comple3 linked to a
central data'base controlled by his prod$cers%
)i%! o$ld have a near monopoly on terrorist o$trages against
Parliament! at no additional cost! and providing a reliable reven$e
stream0 The gakers o$ld pay by the min$te! and the $pside in
terms of the middle'eastern market as hard to B$antify0 +e
;;I
alloed himself a rare smile! he as going to have no tro$ble selling
this little lot! and he had barely scratched the s$rface0 The cake
o$ld be a mere side dish for the masses0 There ere stars o$t there
in that green firmament yet to be discovered! and e3ploited0
R$dyard2s creative geni$s began to t$rn on premi$m rate phone
lines! online voting! and if for no other reason than to recover some
of his investment in the egregio$s 5r$ce! te3ting0 Witho$t aiting
for the grass to gro $nderfoot! b$t $nprepared to pay the monstro$s
s$rcharge the hotel placed $pon e3ternal phone calls! he picked $p
and t$rned on a ne $ntraceable pay'as'yo$'go mobile telephone0
Then he called the P. and made his demands0
Cntil no the Fo3 had remained complacent! b$t as the scale of
R$dyard .aliss2s reB$irements hit him he as shaken to the core0
The money as already sitting in an offshore acco$nt ? and earning
a healthy rate of interest0 5$t the paper trail led ine3orably to him in
the hands of a competent left'ing reporter0 +o as he to sB$are
R$dyard2s ideas on democratic acco$ntability ith those of the
traditionalists9 Clearly a frontal legislative assa$lt as o$t of the
B$estion! b$t ho to sB$ee4e the meas$re in thro$gh the back door9
6t co$ld only be accomplished as some sort of amendment to an
obsc$re bill bro$ght before the +o$se in the dog days of a session0
5$t! even so0 +e blanched0 The prospect of obtaining cross'party
s$pport as slim in the e3treme! and then he o$ld still have to get
it past the +o$se of -ords ' here the bishops! altho$gh largely
ne$tered! co$ld still teak the nation2s conscience from time to time0
+e didn2t ant to have to rely on the g$illotine0 6t as to the general
invasion of their privacy! that politicians of every stripe o$ld most
ob7ect0
6t as bad eno$gh to be ca$ght on film picking one2s nose
d$ring the b$dget! b$t hidden cameras in the toilets% #nd to cap it
all! he as e3pected to fit in ith R$dyard2s a$t$mn sched$les! of
hich the pro7ect as intended to be the flagship0 The only
concession he as able to ring from R$dyard .aliss! as to
change the name of the programme from! W&oa&9 ItD) We)tmin)ter9
to + 2ee- into 2arliament! hich he hoped! ith a dry mo$th! o$ld
not raise B$ite as many hackles0 6f this thing ble $p in his face it
o$ld provide a lethal legacy for a fo3 ho! altho$gh long having
;;J
had his eye on a plinth! had yet to serve his first f$ll term0 +e
co$ldn2t afford to fail0 #nd! in any case! R$dyard o$ldn2t let him0
.eanhile! in *t James2s *B$are! Toad2s e3panded ho$sehold
as falling into shape0 The tiger c$bs had great f$n clearing o$t the
$ndergro$nd garages ' $nder their father2s s$pervision0 The oldest
ones ' .ohammed Jnr! #bd$l'.alik and Cmar ' did the heavy
lifting! the rest 7$st got thoro$ghly dirty0 6t as necessary to order a
skip for a lot of the contents! b$t .ole p$t aside a fair n$mber of
items ' hich he earmarked for a car boot sale! or to be traded on the
internet as cost ne$tral p$rchases0 6t asn2t long before the spanking
ne Priap$s as safely ho$sed ,and not a moment too soon! for they
had already inc$rred a parking fine hich .ole had to rite five
letters to the co$ncil abo$t/0
The ne3t $pheaval folloed almost immediately0 -ady Gertr$de
telephoned again! and this time ca$ght .ole on the hop0 )n the
very point of setting off for -ondon ith Fennela! she had
discovered! to her great dismay! that her c$stomary s$ite at the
*avoy as being redecorated0 The manager as absol$tely d8)ol8!
b$t since her proposed so7o$rn clashed ith that of the leaders of the
GL ' there as simply nothing he co$ld do abo$t it0 What -ady
Gertr$de sho$ld! perhaps! of mentioned as that hen in ton it
as her habit$al ont to p$t $p at the *avoy 5T5 on the 5alls Pond
Road0
#nyay! the .ole really had no option since she had been so
instr$mental in la$nching Toad2s political career! b$t to invite her to
stay0 +oever! for the sake of form! he said that he o$ld cons$lt
ith his host before confirming0 Toad had no ob7ection beca$se!
altho$gh he felt slightly diffident aro$nd -ady Gertr$de! his general
policy in life as the more the merrier and! of co$rse! it as a bit
diffic$lt to say no since she as the driving force behind his thirst
for high office and! anyay! the hole place as getting rather 7olly!
and developing the feel of home0 For his part! .ole did have some
sympathy ith poor Fennela ' altho$gh their acB$aintance had been
very brief! and felt that she as! on the hole! a little too m$ch
infl$enced by her mother ' so he ret$rned the rabbit2s call to confirm
her visit and arrange the details0 .ost obligingly! Fatima and
;;L
Whadi7a $ndertook to prepare a set of rooms ' hich m$ch endeared
them to the domestic staff0 #nd the very ne3t day -ady Gertr$de
and Fennela arrived in a fl$rry of matching s$itcases0
#ll this e3citement! combined ith grave developments at the
Ctto3eter Raceco$rse! ca$sed Toad a momentary lapse in
concentration on the b$siness of government and the .ole realised
that the infl$3 of all the g$ests into the *t James +o$se as
distracting Toad from the main reason he as in -ondon in the first
place0 To that end he resolved to very firmly point him back on
track0 Mnoing that e3ploring a ne bar o$ld be a temptation the
Toad o$ld not be able to resist he decided to invite him for a drink
in 1ational -iberal Cl$b bar ? having discovered to his delight that
belonging to the Riverside Gentleman2s Cl$b alloed him reciprocal
membership rights ,even if the Riverside Gentleman2s Cl$b as not
B$ite the same type of a$g$st instit$tion as some of its -ondon
co$nterparts! needing more than a little bit of ref$rbishment after
one h$ndred years of Co$ntry Gentlemen taking their ease in the
peace and B$iet of the smoking and reading rooms( in short most of
the chairs needed rest$ffing and the last time any redecoration had
been $ndertaken! paintbr$shes had been ielded to the t$nes of
Gershin and Cole Porter/0

)nce he had Toad aay from the distractions of the +o$se and
the ho$sehold at *t James he o$ld e3plain ho important it as to
stay concentrated on the act$al b$siness in the +o$se and attend in
the Chamber every day0 6t asn2t 7$st all abo$t having a good time!
b$t ho to din this sober fact into his friend2s head9

.eanhile! The Prime .inister as desperately casting aro$nd
for allies to help him dig his ay o$t of the hole0 +e kne he co$ld
rely on his Chancellor! Digbert! a boa constrictor ho as a safe
pair of hands! b$t co$ld he c$t a deal ith Ribbon9 +e rather
tho$ght he co$ld ,as long as the spoils ere divided eB$itably/! b$t
he needed to bolster his inner circle ith die'hard loyalists0 +e still
had plenty of patronage to besto and 1e -abo$r2s constit$tional
reforms had stalled before they had totally destroyed the +o$se of
-ords as an effective pri4e0 +e sh$t himself aay in his private
office at 1o0 ;> and made a list! on embossed ConB$eror notepaper!
;;=
of all the possible candidates for preferment ,ith their strategic
strengths and eaknesses laid o$t in separate col$mns/0
)ne name came to the fore! time after time ? -eslie
Chippendale'5ill! an ambitio$s player ith a pedigree and good
contacts in both +o$ses0 5$t! he kne if he moved him from his
c$rrent post he o$ld have to replace him ith someone he co$ld
eB$ally control! ho o$ld not ask too many! if any! B$estions0
#gain! one name came to the fore! Freddie leant back in his chair
and smiled to himself! it as going to be all too easy! setting the bait
for that partic$lar back bencher.
Freddy kne from the Whips that -eslie Chippendale'5ill as
chafing at the limitations of his 7ob at Defra! and that as a vegetarian
ho escheed all dairy prod$cts ? and fish! and lived on a gl$ten'
free diet! he had on fe friends amongst 5ritain2s beleag$ered
farmers0 +e as knon to have been coveting the .inistry for
<o$th Related 1astiness ' ith its bottomless b$dget for some time!
hich 7$st meant moving -arry -i4ard sideays to Defence and
Welsh #ffairs0 -arry o$ld see it as demotion! and he as a
disting$ished reptile ith a lot of s$pport among the sB$amata in the
shires! b$t he as getting a bit long in the tooth and might be ca7oled
into the )ther Place in the birthday hono$rs list0 With -eslie at the
.<Rn ,he as in$red to cl$msy acronyms/! there might be the
possibility of a neat synergy ith R$dyard2s intentions ?
$nfort$nately paid for in advance! the contract signed and dated0
There as no denying that getting into bed ith an $nscr$p$lo$s
tycoon of s$ch elephantine poer! as proving to be as
$ncomfortable as promoting #merica2s foreign policy in .ecca0
5$t! as the list coiled into a smoking black remnant in his John
-eis aste paper basket! The Right +ono$rable Frederick Fo32s
feat$res rela3ed! 7$st a little0 5eca$se no the grey cells ere
kicking into gear! and the Prime .inister began to see a ay o$t of
his predicament ' that 7$st conceivably might ork0
Freddie had also come to the concl$sion that rather than try to
sm$ggle this e3tremely hot potato thro$gh the Commons as an
amendment to a government bill ,hich o$ld be fra$ght ith
scr$tiny in committee! and all the other ha4ards of the adversarial
;A>
system! it might instead be e3pedient to present it to the +o$se as a
Private .ember2s 5ill/0 *ince Private .embers 5ills tended to be
eccentric in their nat$re! and never progressed far itho$t
government backing given the press$re on legislative time for
p$shing the contents of the P$een2s *peech thro$gh Parliament! they
tended to receive scant attention ' $nless they ere dripping ith the
feel'good factor0 The best hope for achieving his ends might!
therefore! lie in presenting the necessary legal frameork to
facilitate R$dyard2s plan in this form! b$t co$ched in the most
obsc$re and f$stian terms and! ideally! emanating from a member of
+er .a7esty2s -oyal )pposition! rather than a representative of his
on Party0 This o$ld both f$rther disg$ise the provenance of the
meas$re and dissipate the degree of attention that it o$ld generally
receive0 6t o$ld be deemed according to all the las of common
sense and Westminster! as certain to fail0 #nd then he co$ld resc$e
it at the last moment! and b$ndle it discreetly into la as a
magnanimo$s gest$re 7$st before the +o$se rose for the s$mmer
recess! and the silly season began in earnest0
Did he really need to go thro$gh Roger Ribbon! or might he not
be able to contact an old or disaffected member of the opposition
and strike a deal9 +is agile mind roamed across the possibilities!
and honed $nerringly in on the person of Dr :a$ghn .cRipper
,Dr$mnadrochit central/ ho had been a thorn in the side of his on
party for longer than any of them cared to remember! and as likely
to be even less ell'disposed toards Ribbon ' ho represented
everything that .cRipper most despised abo$t the English0 #ll the
same! -ord .cRipper of -och 1ess did have a certain ring to it!
might he not be pers$aded to e3change the midges for the ermine9
#fter all! he o$ld be able to en7oy the best of both orlds! relishing
his title north of the border hilst being eaten alive! and having the
satisfaction of atching the English Constit$tion $nravel on )i% T:0
The approach to .cRipper o$ld need to be ca$tio$s in the
e3treme! and! of co$rse! based $pon the clear $nderstanding that a
decent interval of time o$ld necessarily elapse beteen the signing
of certain binding papers ? a gentleman2s agreement o$ld not
s$ffice in a matter so momento$s! and .cRipper2s ennoblement ?
sho$ld he bite0 #nd no Frederick Fo3 had time on his side
;A;
beca$se! altho$gh he co$ld start p$tting o$t some feelers! an
immediate resh$ffle as o$t of the B$estion at s$ch an early stage in
his administration ? since it o$ld smack of panic! and ca$se 7itters
in an already febrile City0 1o! the hole thing o$ld have to be
seg$ed very nicely! and o$ld hinge on -eslie Chippendale'5ill2s
replacement at Defra ,all the political animals in his party o$ld be
climbing over one another2s bodies for that bone/0 +e2d have them
by the nose until he unveiled his choice of probably the ost
unpolitical anial of the lot. *does this need 0ualification"+ #ll
that remained as to bait the trap ? and he o$ld still have +ome
#ffairs to play ith0
+e picked $p the telephone and b$44ed his secretary! ".a$de!
co$ld yo$ book me a table for to at the 1ational -iberal Cl$b ne3t
Th$rsday! the one in the corner by the indo! LpmH and co$ld
yo$ get me Dr :a$ghn .cRipper on the telephone! thank yo$0&
P$tting the receiver back don ten min$tes later! Freddie smiled
ith all the satisfaction of a 7ob ell done( then! asking his secretary
to s$mmon his driver and his ife! the iley Fo3 set off for
CheB$ers to rela3 ith a long eekend of s$rreptitio$s h$nting0
;AA
Chapter Fourteen
Fennela loved being in -ondon0 #ltho$gh she had some
e3perience of Dalston J$nction and its immediate environs from an
earlier sortie to the capital in her .other2s company! she had never
seen the slightly more glamoro$s side of the city( and to be living on
s$ch a scale in Toad2s magnificent ho$se! her every need attended to
and her mother2s company dil$ted ? m$ch as she loved her doting
parent ? by that of the large and friendly ho$sehold in hich she
no fo$nd herself! as a thing of delight0
Try as she might! -ady Gertr$de ? on the gro$nds of hat as
appropriate to their station in life ? failed to prevent her errant
da$ghter from making herself as obliging as possible to the domestic
staff! even going so far as to ask Ethel if there as anything that she
co$ld do to help0 +oever! none of the servants at *t James2s
*B$are ere taken in for a min$te by -ady Gertr$de2s pretensions of
gentility and! itho$t e3ception! felt great sympathy for the poor!
p$t'$pon yo$ng rabbit ' her yo$th and bea$ty being orn aay by
the attrition of an $nhealthy psycho'social dynamic ith her m$m!
and an allied and pernicio$s eating disorder0 Fennela as amiability
itself b$t displayed the tr$e state of her feelings in her timidity
,especially aro$nd members of the opposite se3/0 P$ite frankly!
Fennela2s f$r lacked body and sheen! her ears tended to droop! her
post$re as appalling ' and as in no ay enhanced by the e3otic
footear hich her mother ordered for her from the #rgos
catalog$e0 These d$bio$s assets ere not set off to ma3im$m
advantage by her e3panding aistline( her ho$r'glass fig$re as b$t
a reproachf$l memory0 Fennela2s e3treme an3iety as leading
ine3orably toards an obsessive'comp$lsive disorder! and she as
already a shade agoraphobic0
6t as Derek ho most ac$tely perceived the pain behind the
mask and! having come to the tragic concl$sion that Toad as
beyond redemption in all b$t the most s$perficial of ays! decided
to take Fennela2s plight in hand0 +e determined to o$t'perform even
the most anore3ic and opinionated b$llies on the bo3! those harpies
ith a bottomless b$dget to transform $gly d$cklings into sans on
;AD
a prod$ction line geared to television ratings ,hich is not to say that
these admirable individ$als did not do a great deal of good in the
orld( transforming as they did the lives of the most
$nprepossessing and miserable people they co$ld find ' to the
titillation of the shapeless masses/0
Derek had made a close st$dy of their methods ? cons$ming a
vast amo$nt of diet coke in the process! and no he reckoned that he
himself as ready for the challenge0 The $nder'gardener'c$m'valet
did not lack ambition! he had the looks! he had the brains! all he
needed as the right opport$nity to display his sp$rio$s flair0
Fennela might 7$st be his shocase and! anyay! he gen$inely
anted to help her0 6t as 7$st a B$estion of money0 )bvio$sly
there as no shortage of that in the ho$se! b$t he had to consider the
comple3 sensibilities of the actors in his drama! especially those of
-ady Gertr$de ' ho o$ld not hesitate to deny her da$ghter
charity! on principle0 That meant that it as probably best not to
approach Toad since he had! ith the best ill in the orld! a
tendency to gloat over his achievements! hoever vicario$sly
obtained0 Derek co$ld have a B$iet ord ith .ole! b$t he really
didn2t like to load any f$rther responsibilities onto that little animal '
7$ggling as he as already ith an $ncomfortable n$mber of balls0
5$t! Derek kne everything there as to kno abo$t everybody
in their m8nage ,he as not above e3changing a ord or to in
passing ith his colleag$es if he met them on the stairs/! so he
happened to be apprised of the fact that Jaro4lav had 7$st made a
killing on a stop loss order in tobacco0 5etter still! the b$tler as the
very epitome of discretion! and shared the common concern of all
the staff for Fennela ' hich made him the perfect person to
approach ith Derek2s plan0
Derek fo$nd Jaro4lav in the pantry reading the .inancial 4ime)
and did not beat abo$t the b$sh0 6f anything the discerning Pole as
flattered by the nat$re of the approach! and gratified to be in a
position to help0 Jaro4lav as practical abo$t money! not
materialistic! he en7oyed generating cash and rarely had a ca$se to
spend it! so he promptly vol$nteered to transfer a s$bstantial s$m
into Derek2s bank acco$nt ith the added $ndertaking that if that
;AF
proved ins$fficient he as B$ite happy to be called $pon again0
They e3changed a firm handshake and then! hile Derek had a B$ick
Pop Tart! Jaro4lav considered the donside risk on Congolese
copper ' given the poer str$ggle c$rrently going on in 5ei7ing0
Fennela! meanhile! as miserably en7oying the death'throes of
a pyramid of Ferrero Rocher chocolates in her room ' ith the door
locked and bolted against the possible ingress of her mother0 When
the tap $pon it came! her heart nearly knocked her teeth o$t0 *he
7$st had the presence of mind to fl$sh the g$ilty evidence don the
toilet ,altho$gh! to her great alarm! the foil floated/ before!
agonisingly! opening the door and! to her intense relief! finding
Derek on the threshold ' reathed in smiles! and ith an invisible
halo floating si3 inches above his head0 "62m popping o$t to do a bit
of indo'shopping!& he e3plained! "6 don2t s$ppose there2s any
chance yo$2d come along to keep me company9&
"That does so$nd rather nice! b$t 62ll have to check ith
mother0&
"6 already have!& said Derek! bra4enly! "and she said that the
e3ercise o$ld do yo$ good0&
"6 can believe that!& said Fennela! sadly0 ")0M0 my love! grab
yo$r coat! it2s a bit indy o$tside! b$t 6 don2t think it2s going to rain0
1o then! let2s be off! .ohammed2s got the *m$g and e can2t
keep him aiting beca$se he has to get back to .r Toad at the
+o$se by Ipm and! anyay! 6 simply on2t take no for an anser%&
Ten brisk and hair'raising min$tes later they ere being dropped off
at the top of the Ming2s Road0
6t is not p$tting too fine a point on it to say that Fennela2s
ardrobe as frightf$l( a cacophony of ill'conceived colo$rs ?
generally c$t on the bias in man'made fibres0 6t took a great deal of
stoicism on Derek2s part to escort her thro$gh one of -ondon2s most
fashionable B$arters ' b$t he as a man on a mission0 *imply
marching her in to the smartest bo$tiB$es and flashing his plastic
as not an option apart from anything else she as far too dem$re0
6t o$ld take B$ite some doing even to pers$ade her to try on the
odd garment in the spirit of advent$re ,as he as sensible of her
nat$ral disinclination to disrobe in p$blic/0 :ery shredly! Derek
decided to prepare her mind and spirit ith a cinnamon latt@ topped
;AG
ith hipped cream at a slightly more $pmarket branch of
P$ickb$cks! the staff being moderately less s$rly0 Pleas$re s$ff$sed
her feat$res as the $nfamiliar ambrosia flooded $p thro$gh the stra
and! as Derek prattled on the hile abo$t the doings of the offspring
of the famo$s! she realised sloly that she as act$ally having f$n%
Thro$gh byays and backays! Derek led her to the rarefied
delights of the designer shops and e3cl$sive bo$tiB$es on and off the
Ming2s Road going don toards Chelsea0 Fennela trotted at his
side trying to take it all in! her cheeks fl$shed by the cold late
Jan$ary ind! and her taste b$ds tied $p in an ecstasy of
P$ickb$cks0 The da44ling shop fronts demanded her attention ?
B$ite despite herself0 With Derek as her on personal cons$mer
therapist! she as dran in ever deeper to that eternal sea of longing
that is female fashion0 6t asn2t long before Derek2s beitching l$re
reeled her in to the disdainf$l shallos of Frocks2R2Cs! he savo$ring
every moment of her enchantment0 #s every man knos! the first
thing that any oman has to have in her armo$ry is 8that little black
n$mber2( that hardy perennial hich simply never goes o$t of style0
6n con7$nction ith a host of accessories the -51 ,as Derek liked to
call it/ is the chameleon garment in a oman2s arsenal that insists
$pon attention at even the most glittering )oir8e0
#rtlessly! Derek pointed o$t an e3B$isite e3ample of this genre
by Mamika4e( he someho prevailed $pon her to administer the
merest br$sh of the tips of her hiskers to the sheer! sens$o$s
cord$roy0
"Can 6 help yo$9& enB$ired a illoy black clad form! in the
chilliest of tones0 "+ave yo$ got this in all si4es9& riposted Derek
ha$ghtily ? he as all too familiar ith the contempt in hich
privately ed$cated shop assistants in e3cl$sive stores held their
c$stomers0 "6 kno e2ve got it in a si4e do$ble >>! b$t 62m not
s$re if e have a ;I!& she replied! raking Fennela ith pitiless eyes0
6t as Fennela2s great good fort$ne that she had never been in
s$ch an empori$m before and! therefore! ass$med that this as all
part of the treat! and! in any case! she as lost in s$ch onder at the
corn$copia on offer that she hardly noticed hen Derek said
disdainf$lly! "Deliver one in each si4e to this address!& as he handed
the elongated min3 his credit and b$siness cards! "and 6 ant them
tomorro ? by midday at the latest%& *he sl$nk off vengef$lly to
;AI
process his details0 Derek entered his P61 n$mber! and e3p$nged
the last balef$l raised eyebro from the assistant! ith an even more
sardonic one of his on as the sale as electronically confirmed0
Fennela folloed him o$t of the shop ' almost protesting! as ladies
tend to! hen banished! hoever temporarily! from s$ch a paradise
on earth0
With all the devio$s c$nning of a hardened dr$g'dealer! Derek
led her ever deeper into the labyrinth of matching shoes and
handbags! Pashminas from the most f$rtive of +imalayan goats!
golden earrings fashioned ith all the delicacy of gossamer! ball'
gons hen from the living silk! coats too f$rry to mention! and in
and in he dre her! feeding her incipient addiction! shamelessly
e3ploiting every hidden him and eakness that he kne her to
possess as he prepared her ' as an artist o$ld a canvass! before
applying that first co$rageo$s stroke of colo$r0 #nd as he raised her
e3pectations! so he dashed them ' t$rning antonly aay from the
most enticing 7eellery display and dragging her across the road
into hat seemed at first glance to her $ned$cated eye a boring
looking shop ith a lot of mirrors and not m$ch on offer0 )h! ho
he played ith Fennela2s senses ? leading her on almost to deliri$m%
Derek kept her B$ivering $pon the needle point of $nend$rable
desire $ntil st$nningly confronted by her very first pair of Jimmy
Choo2s! she co$ld simply bear no more! and moaned o$t lo$d0
6t as a thoro$ghly ell'satisfied $nder'gardener'c$m'valet ,his
eyes set firmly $pon bigger things/ ho took Fennela home by ta3i(
her shining eyes! gleaming coat and pricked ears a testament to her
voltometric ne connection ith her inner rabbit0 The effect as
not lost on Jaro4lav hen he admitted them( he had never seen s$ch
a B$ick ret$rn on an investment and as nat$rally delighted!
permitting himself the most $nprofessional of smiles0 Derek basked
accordingly! hile Fennela strode firmly $p the stairs in search of
her mother ? b$t! itho$t a B$aking heart0
-ady Gertr$de had also been taken advantage of that afternoon
having received a letter! forarded from Riverbank by her
accomplice .a$reen ,ho popped in to ater the plants/0 6t as
from the bank hich held her overdraft to advise her that she had
;AJ
gone ell over her limit and! co$ld she kindly make arrangements to
bring her acco$nt $p to date forthith or the consB$ences o$ld be
dire0
+er pa trembled! despite her steely disposition! she had
$ndergone years of privations hile p$tting on the bravest of brave
faces! making do ith very little apart from the ho$se she had been
aarded by the J$dge $pon her divorce from *ir Dave ?
immediately $pon his receiving his Mnighthood for services
rendered to the -icensed :ict$allers trade he told her he had 8had
eno$gh2 and had r$n off to *pain ith his secretary ? and the modest
interest that she earned from the money rested from him for
Fennela2s $pkeep0 1ot anting to telephone in case she as
overheard and in any case it as almost impossible to get thro$gh to
one2s act$al 5ank .anager these days ith all those a$tomated
systems! -ady Gertr$de resolved the best thing to do as to fa3 her
bank immediately to beg for a little more time to settle her debt0 *he
as ell acB$ainted ith all the properties of a fa3 machine! having
often served her br$tish h$sband in this capacity0 Therefore! .ole
having dashed o$t to catch the post! she sei4ed the opport$nity to $se
it no0
*o hen mother and da$ghter almost collided on the third
landing! they ere both so occ$pied ith their on tho$ghts neither
as immediately concerned abo$t the other0 Fennela! hoever! did
grad$ally become aare of the transformation in her mother2s
c$stomary disposition ? she had not raised one single note of
criticism to the ne shoes hich ere so different to the footear
she herself had chosen for her da$ghter to ear and! even stranger!
instead of thr$sting the folder she as carrying at her and asking her
to type something or ring someone! -ady Gertr$de had gone off to
do hatever it as for herself hich! in Fennela2s e3perience! as
most $n$s$al0
,This missive contained the life'changing nes that! B$ite o$t of
the bl$e! she had on si3 h$ndred tho$sand! eight h$ndred and ten
e$ros on the *panish 1ational lottery! and that $pon receipt of the
;AL
nominal s$m of R;!F>> to cover the cost of the bank draft! the
monies o$ld immediately be transferred to her acco$nt ' min$s the
paltry ;>K d$e to the appointed agent in .adrid! a Dr J$l .rrk0 #ll
that -ady Gertr$de had to do in order to devo$r this manna as to
fill in her bank details% +er pa trembled! despite her steely
disposition as she did so ? determined as she as to leave nothing to
chance ? and fa3 it back! ithin the ho$r! to the good doctor at
Gr$po *ec$rity Company *0#0 in #vd0 de *an .orales in the capital
of *pain0 -ady Gertr$de made her ay! her blood rate p$lsating in
her ear dr$ms! to .ole2s office ' to claim this long overd$e reard
for all her privations ith a simple fa30
There as perhaps 7$st something in the manner in hich
Jaro4lav served the so$p at dinner hich might have given a less
depressed rodent food for tho$ght! b$t if there as she missed it
altogether0 Toad took the hole thing as the most magnificent res$lt
at the races! and promptly gave instr$ctions for his last bottle of
ChYtea$ -ato$r 2I; to be $ncorked by ay of celebration0 The .ole
as distracted by the remarkable change in Fennela! ho had come
o$t of her shell to the most e3traordinary e3tent! and as engaging
him in an animated conversation on the s$b7ect of #gent
Provocate$r lingerie! in hich he battled to keep his end $p0 The
Mhans ere dining in their on private B$arters $pon p$ngently
aromatic dishes ' intimations of hich conspired ith the delicate
scent of Ethel2s scallops marinated in hite ine! to prod$ce a
p$gilistic bo$B$et at Toad2s table0 Derek had gone to +alfay A
+eaven at Charing Cross to cons$mmate the day2s achievements0
Whilst! serving the coffee in its tiny c$ps and the accompanying
petit fo$rs at the end of the meal! Jaro4lav leant don and hispered
in .ole2s ear asking if he co$ld have a ord the folloing morning0
The 5$tler had gone into the st$dy to send his on fa3 confirming
transfer of his latest stock e3change gains to an offshore bank
acco$nt and recognising his on bank2s fa3 n$mber left
programmed on the machine had printed o$t another copy of -ady
Gertr$de2s plea for more time to pay off her debt0 +e had gron
fond of Fennela and did not ish to see her s$ffer so he had decided
to bring the matter to .ole2s attention! knoing that good animal
o$ld find a ay to help0
;A=
The ne3t day daned ith .ole sitting at his office desk! his
head in his pas! there as simply too m$ch to do hat ith the
Commons )ffice! the home office and administration of the
ho$sehold! trying to keep Toad in check and no even Jaro4lav ho
co$ld normally be co$nted on to keep things r$nning smoothly
anted a ord! hat if he as going to hand in his notice9 .ole
as tired and stressed and he as finding it diffic$lt to think straight
after all the champagne the night before! 8hat to do9 What to do92
+e asked himself0
Walking in ith a tray of coffee and bisc$its at ;;am! Fennela
fo$nd him s$rro$nded by piles of papers! trying to make some
headay ith the most $rgent pile of papers0 *he set her b$rden
don and po$ring .ole a very elcome c$p of coffee! tentatively
asked "co$ld 6 be of help9&
")h! Fennela! thank yo$! yes! ell! $mmm! do yo$ type9& The
.ole o$ld have accepted help even from Toad at this point ,and
that animal messed $p even the most basic paperork/ b$t! here as
Fennela ho looked someho different today! brighter! more
confident! as tho$gh she had gron an inch ,hich indeed she had!
several in fact! thanks to the ne high heels/0
")h! yes! .$mmy sent me to *ecretarial College so 6 co$ld help
her o$t in the Constit$ency and! 6 can do shorthand!& that yo$ng
rabbit said enth$siastically0
.ole had a moment of inspiration0 "Fennela! ho o$ld yo$
like a 7ob9&
")h! .ole! do yo$ really mean it9 # real 7ob9& Fennela co$ld
not believe her l$ck! this as hat she had dreamed off! finding a
proper 7ob! living her on life! meeting a nice yo$ngH
"Hyes! 6 mean it!& .ole interr$pted her fantasy hile making
some of it a reality! "yo$ can start right aay ! 62ll dra $p an
employment contract and e can sign it0&
+e named a salary that made her gasp! "really9&
"That2s the going rate for a decent *ecretary these days! don2t
thank me too m$ch! yo$ ill have to ork B$ite hard yo$ kno!&
that animal said kindly0
;D>
")h! .ole! thank yo$! 62ll do my best for yo$ and .r ToadH&
Fennela as interr$pted in her gratit$de by a knock on the door
and Jaro4lav slid in! "a ord if 6 may! *ir9&
Delicately Fennela ithdre0 Jaro4lav $nb$rdened himself of
the intelligence he bore concerning -ady Gertr$de2s plight and his
concern for the yo$nger rabbit in her charge0 +e brightened at the
nes that Fennela had no obtained gainf$l employment co$rtesy of
the kindly .ole! and ondered discreetly if some similar
accommodation co$ld not be contrived for the mother0 They both
p$rsed their lips for -ady Gertr$de as a pridef$l rodent! b$t then a
second inspiration str$ck the .ole hose cylinders ere s$ddenly
firing in seB$ence0 #ll the time that they ere $p in -ondon the
constit$ency office in Riverbank as being oef$lly neglected! their
base as being eroded by disaffected d$cks0 What co$ld be a more
satisfying resol$tion of the tin problems of poverty and neglect that
seg$eing -ady Gertr$de into the constit$ency post at a genero$s
salary! and! at a stroke! liberating her da$ghter from that parent2s
more s$ffocating demands0
6t as ith a collective sigh of relief that they all aved off a
thoro$ghy self'important and gratified rabbit hen the folloing day
.ohammed drove -ady Gertr$de home to Riverbank in the stylish
ne *m$g0
;D;
Chapter Fifteen
Together ith an Egyptian gentleman of -ebanese e3traction
ho fronted the operation! R$dyard .aliss had for some years been
metic$lo$sly developing plans for a gaming comple3 and golf resort
in the area to take advantage of the steady footfall and predictable
climate! and combining the best elements of Cairo and -as :egas0
+oever! notithstanding ell'placed emol$ments! they ere
r$nning into resistance from reactionary elements ithin the
.inistry of #ntiB$ities0 These 7obsorths ere proving to be
partic$larly $ncooperative over the sensitive redevelopment of the
Pyramid of Cheops into a family'friendly #B$ari$m0 Despite the
obvio$s fact that this bold move o$ld prove a terrific dra in the
parched desert! the ater s$pply for the hole scheme depended on
this key element ' since it o$ld serve as the header tank for the
entire system0 R$dyard had not slept ell( the yo$ng lady ith
hom! as a p$blic'spirited act he had shared his bed! had snored
intolerably ' even after she had been laid to rest in the bath0
When Faro$k #l'5armi2s agitated call came thro$gh that
gentleman did not receive a sympathetic response ? R$dyard asn2t
in the mood for bad nes ' b$t he got it0 )n an anonymo$s tip'off
the b$sybodies at C1E*C) ere poking their noses into certain
acco$nting anomalies at his World +eritage site ,a designation
hich 5en as keen to preserve/0 While #l'5armi2s stake in the
operation obeyed the strict$res of Egyptian corporate la! he as
not himself by instinct a global capitalist ' his primary so$rce of
income being the retailing of refreshing slices of atermelon in the
shado of the *phin30 R$dyard .aliss as the real 8minence gri)e
behind #l'5armi0 6f R$dyard had a eakness its ca$ses lay b$ried
in his childhood ,the poor man had iss$es s$rro$nding tr$st '
occasioned by the fail$re of his pocket money to have kept pace ith
inflation thro$gho$t his teens/0 #s a conseB$ence! he fo$nd it hard
to delegate0 *o! once again he as posed ith a problem that he
o$ld have to resolve in person! altho$gh Westminster had not yet
f$lly been stitched $p0 6t as a stark choice0 World of -oss as the
7eel in his cron! the cashflo pro7ections looked as fertile as the
1ile0 R$dyard liked to boast to his coevals in the *k$llT5ones Cl$b
;DA
that it as the .$mmy of all 5$siness Plans! and o$ld finally p$t
Egypt on the map0 .eanhile! on a +aaiian island lang$ished his
personal plastic s$rgeon! Dr +asselhoff! dreaming of the day he
co$ld a$gment R$dyard2s pectoral m$scles! and all the hile
frittering aay his talent on the beach his boss had paid for0 6n
distinct b$t interoven ays they s$ffered for their arts0
5ack in -ondon! the Prime .inister as also tossed on the
horns of a dilemma b$t! having shredly taken the time to think
things thro$gh! had evolved a c$nning strategy to resolve it hich he
as abo$t to disc$ss ith Dr :a$ghn .cRipper over dinner0 +e had
chosen the 1ational -iberal Cl$b on the basis that no Conservative
o$ld readily set foot in the place and so! hile the -iberals might
onder hy he as eating dinner in their dining room! they o$ld
be too polite to ask any B$estions and certainly too naZve to p$t to
and to together0 #s he changed his shirt and held o$t his rists for
his devoted secretary .a$de to p$t in his favo$rite silver 8rifle2
c$fflinks! Freddy ent over the details in his mind to make s$re he
had left nothing o$t or to chance0
While an immediate resh$ffle as clearly o$t of the B$estion!
there as nothing to prevent him from incrementally setting his
overall plan in train0 6f he ,Freddy/ bo3ed clever at this stage of the
game he co$ld strategically r$ffle a fe feathers ' thereby p$tting his
colleag$es on their mettle0 There ere B$ite a fe la$rels that
needed looking to in the $pper echelons of the party0 )f co$rse
-eslie Chippendale'5ill as the f$lcr$m $pon hich the hole
stratagem depended! b$t he had to pave the ay for that
disting$ished vegetarian2s advancement into the field of <o$th
Related 1astiness! hile at the same time sending o$t a strong signal
that the government had the interests of the co$ntryside at heart0 6t
o$ld reB$ire the services of a placeman rooted in the soil! a
creat$re of the earth ith an instinctive grasp of the plight of the
lati,undi)ta)0 Frederick Fo3 felt it had been a moment of p$re
inspiration to hit $pon the perfect stalking horse in the person of
none other than the inoffensive Toad0 To catap$lt the pop$lar ' b$t
generally disco$nted ' .P for Riverbank into Defra! as a
Parliamentary Cnder'*ecretary of *tate for something or other hile
he as still a stranger to the corridors of poer! and treated
Westminster like a private members cl$b! o$ld send shivers don
;DD
the spines of hole political generations hich had spent years
claing their ay fr$itlessly toards high office and! at the same
time! B$icken in the breasts of others the stirrings of fresh hope0 6t
as an open and sh$t case of cats and pigeons0 6n fact the hole
cabinet o$ld be boled a googlie and galvanised by this tactic0
The v$lt$res o$ld nat$rally circle aiting for the B$ite $ns$ited
Toad ' promoted so far in e3cess of his abilities ' to self'implode0
They might ell ass$me that this premat$re promotion o$ld
backfire by casting do$bt $pon the P.2s 7$dgement! and giving
s$cco$r to his enemies and rivals0 5$t there ere no flies on
Freddy! his ear as alays to the gro$nd and he kne from the
Whips ' that he kept on a very tight leash ' that .ole as the real
poer behind the throne0 .oreover! that highly competent
individ$al as knon to be passionate abo$t all those tedio$s iss$es
for hich Defra as responsible0 .ole2s concern ith climate
change as an open secret0 Even ere Toad to remain inebriated
from dan to d$sk each day! the Prime .inister had it on good
a$thority that .ole co$ld manage the r$ral economy ith one pa
tied behind his back0 5ehind every s$ccessf$l Toad there stands a
selfless .ole! the fo3 reflected ryly0 #nd best of all! the Toad2s
$ns$ng P# o$ld serve to confo$nd the fo32s critics0
.a$de came back into his office to remind him his car as
aiting0 Freddy nodded to her! "thank yo$ .a$de! 62ve left some
papers on my desk! can yo$ clear them before yo$ go9&
.a$de nodded! "yes! *ir! of co$rse!& thinking to herself that it
o$ld be another long evening ith only a stale sandich left over
from l$nchtime for dinner0 People might think it as glamoro$s
orking for the Prime .inister b$t! really it asn2t0
.(W ),(.(1 2redd' dinner at the club with 3r 4aughn
Mc5ipper in the 0uiet corner table by the window, discussing
details of the plot. Toad has coe to the ,lub to eet Mole for a
drink *Toad loves the ,lub, it is e6actly his kind of place, the era
it was built in, the furnishings, the polite staff and also he does
like causing a stir walking in, a ,onservative M7 eeting his
8iberal assistant 9 which is unusual, norally you belong to the
party you work for and there is hardly any cross party
eployent, at least not in y day : and he en%oys eeting Mole
there.
;DF
Toad wanders out onto the balcony to have a cigar;take
snuff;look at the evening view and then overhears his nae
entioned by a voice eanating fro a nearby open window, he
oves closes curious and recognises the voice of 2reddy 2o6, he
hears whatever key words you want hi to hear for the plot ie.
Toad no proble, 5udyard has proised, be discreet, huge
profit for all of us, etc; and then trying to get even closer to hear
ore knocks over a plant pot, 2reddy coes to the window to
look out but, Toad has clibed over the balcony and is hanging
off it in his 3< <aes =ond style. 2reddy closes the window and
draws the curtain for ore privacy.
Mole eanwhile has coe out to find out what is taking
Toad so long, he doesn’t see hi but hears a rustle and looking
over the balcony sees Toad, “go on be a good chap and help e
up Moley$ heaves hi over the balcony and then Toad tells hi
what he overheard. They agree that there is soething dodgy
going on and they will have to find out ore, aybe a line fro
Toad about all disruption of caeras and recording being put in
the house and how he keeps tripping over worken even when
he eets his M7 chus in the ost private hidden away bars"
They also agree that if 2reddy contacts Toad, he is not give
anything away, play along so they can find out ore. also fits
well with Mole and =adger’s conversation later on and being
suspicious.
6n politics like comedy! the most cr$cial element is timing0 The
Prime .inister aited for the Febr$ary half'term recess ' hen the
members had disb$rsed to recharge their batteries amongst their
loved ones! before telephoning Toad0 The .ole and his notional
master! had e3changed the chains of office for the simple pleas$res
of the co$ntry0 Toad as back in his +all! .ole and Ratty ere re'
ensconced in the river bank ' the fretf$l ater t$mbling past their
indos0 They ere delighting in being restored to one another2s
soothing company as inter tarried over yielding once again to
spring0 The three of them ere t$cking into l$nch in a corner by the
fire at the +en and +amster ? Toad and Ratty relishing the steak and
ale pie and .ole the plo$ghman2s platter ' hen the P0.02s call
;DG
came thro$gh0 "6t2s the Prime .inister on the line for yo$! .r
Toad%&
"6 say! hang on a min$te% 62m in the middle of l$nch!& b$t! the
secretary2s voice had already been replaced by the perfectly
mod$lated tones of the Right +ono$rable Frederick Fo30 "Toad! old
fello! ho o$ld yo$ feel abo$t shaking Defra $p a bit9&
"1ever met the chap! hat2s he done9&
Freddy la$ghed his silvery! yet menacing la$gh0 "<o$ are a
breath of fresh air! 6 m$st say0 62d like yo$ to take over as the
Parliamentary Cnder'*ecretary of *tate ith special responsibilities
for trees! cos and the maintenance of the inland aterays0&
"Gosh!& said Toad! "are yo$ s$re yo$ haven2t got the rong
n$mber9&
"P$ite s$re!& came the am$sed response! "and if yo$ r$n ith
this ball there2s no knoing here it2ll lead to0&
"That2s hat 62m orried abo$t! and in any case 6 can2t plant
trees and milk cos at the same time ' even if the inland aterays
take care of themselves as! in my e3perience! they tend to0&
"Don2t orry abo$t all that! the civil servants ill milk the cos
? yo$ sho$ldn2t need to lift a finger! yo$2ll get a lot more money and
a cha$ffe$r driven limo$sineH&
"6f yo$2d only asked me a co$ple of eeks ago! 62d have
7$mped at it! b$t no 62ve gone and got myself a cha$ffe$r and a
car0&
"6 co$ld thro in the thoro$ghbred horse racing ind$stryH&
Toad2s ears pricked $p0 "1o that does so$nd a bit more like it
Freddy! b$t 62ll have to talk it over ith .ole0&
"<o$ do that Toad! yo$ do that0 #nd get back to me hen
yo$2ve got a moment!& said the Prime .inister dryly0 "Rightiho%&
said Toad0
"Talk hat over ith me9& demanded the .ole e3citedly0 The
Toad forked a h$ge mo$thf$l of pie! dripping ith gravy! and
chomped it contentedly0
"For heavens sake! hat did he say9& Toad took a long p$ll on
his pint of )ld Dreadf$l0
"Ratty! can yo$ see hat 6 have to p$t $p ith9& ailed the
.ole! b$t the Water Rat as similarly engrossed in his l$nch! and
7$st gr$nted something incomprehensible ' scattering cr$mbs of
;DI
pastry in the process0 .ole gloered impatiently at his pickled
onion $ntil Toad had finished masticating0
"+e ants me to do something abo$t defra! hatever that is!& he
e3plained! "apparently! it2s in a bit of a state0&
"Do yo$ mean to say he ants yo$ to become a minister at the
Department for the Environment Food and R$ral #ffairs9& That
m$st be hat he as talking abo$t hen yo$ nearly fell off the
balcony9 6 onder hat he2s $p to9
"Don2t ask me!& said Toad tetchily! "yo$2re the brains0&
"That2s not saying m$ch!& said Ratty 7ovially! picking $p his
plate to lick it0
"5$t that2s onderf$l!& cried the .ole0 "Don2t yo$ see Toadie!
even if giving yo$ the appointment is part of a nefario$s plot of
Freddy2s no e can really start to make a difference%& and yo$2ll
be even better placed to find o$t hat2s really going on%
"6f yo$ say so0 6 onder hat2s for p$dding9&
"6 think spotted dick and c$stard looks the best bet!& said the
Water Rat0
#t .ole2s insistence! Toad ret$rned the P.2s call even before
they had finished their coffee! to accept0
"62m most obliged to yo$ Toad for stepping into the breach in
this handsome fashion!& draled the fo3 sardonically0 "Don2t thank
me! thank .ole ? he seems to be all for it0 6 don2t mind telling yo$!
that the more 6 have to do ith government! the less 6 like it0&
"Which makes yo$ 7$st the chap for the 7ob( yo$ seem to be in
s$ch perfect accord ith the electorate0&
"6f yo$ say so Freddy0&
"6 do0& #nd that as that0
.ole2s imagination began to take on ings0 #ltho$gh the year
as not yet very far advanced! he decided to risk the solecism of
calling $pon 5adger to disc$ss this s$dden t$rn of events0
Travelling into the Wild Wood on his on still bro$ght back
dist$rbing memories and! in any case! Ratty o$ld not have dreamed
of alloing it0 *o! on a bright b$t frosty morning toards the end of
the meagre eeks2 holiday! they p$lled on their hobnailed boots!
b$ckled their belts and set off! each armed ith a sto$t stick! across
the fields toards the dark mass on the hori4on! deceptively near at
hand in the sparkling air! that as the Wild Wood0
;DJ
They didn2t say m$ch as they alked ,it as! in fact! B$ite hard
ork lifting their feet ith their boots engorged by clinging m$d/0
They en7oyed the silence! and the delicate m$sic of those faithf$l
birds that had not fled the germinating landscape for the sybaritic
pleas$res of the so$th0 .ole! in partic$lar! relished the B$iet '
having been forced to end$re the $nonted torment of the -ondon
traffic for several months0 #s the o$tline of the trees gre sharper!
Ratty broke into a cheerf$l histle ' hich bea$tif$lly performed its
intended f$nction! of s$bd$ing any latent fears harbo$red by his
friend0 #nd then they ere s$ddenly in the shado of the den$ded
branches! the finery of the previo$s season littered thickly on the
gro$nd! b$t pricked by snodrops0 There as sc$ttling in the
$ndergroth belo! and the caing of rooks above0 Fearlessly! the
Water Rat pl$nged on ' his brio infecting .ole ith co$rage0 The
path hich the .ole had fled so many years before! in the teeth of
that bli44ard! o$nd confidently on into the heart of the ood0 This
e3pedition! hich had! initially! seemed so da$nting! as t$rning
into a gen$ine pleas$re0 .ole as still ad7$sting to the delightf$l
sensation of alking thro$gh the pondering thickets ith Ratty as
his $nerring g$ide! hen they arrived in front of 5adger2s st$rdy
door ' beside the boot'scrape ' against hich .ole2s shin had once
come to grief! and thereby saved them from the terrors of the night0
They stood together on the dilapidated elcome mat0 The Water Rat
heaved $pon the bell'p$ll and as rearded by a faint toll from deep
ithin0 The tarnished brass nameplate had been gravely amended to
read ".r 5adger PC0&
6t as a good ten min$tes before they heard the latch being lifted
? ith m$ch gr$mbling ? and the door as set s$fficiently a7ar for
them to see the sleepy 5adger blinking in the s$nlight0 "What on
earth are yo$ to doing o$t at this time of the year9&
"5less yo$%& cried the Water Rat! "it2s Febr$ary already0 *ome
of $s have been $p and abo$t since Christmas%&
"Well! 6 s$ppose yo$2d better come in!& said 5adger ch$rlishly0
"Good to see yo$! yo$ng .ole!& he added! recovering his manners
somehat0 +e sh$ffled ahead of them in his don'at'the'heels
carpet slippers along the mysterio$s corridor! intersected by the
n$mero$s passages and store rooms of his historic labyrinth! $ntil
they came to the genero$s kitchen in hich a cheerf$l fire as
;DL
casting dancing shados on the provender sl$ng from the smoke'
blackened beams0 Ratty and .ole loered themselves gratef$lly
onto the comfortably orn settles by the hearth ,it had been a
vigoro$s alk/! hile 5adger p$t the kettle on and d$sted off a
frying pan in hono$r of his g$ests0
.ole as b$rsting ith his nes b$t every time he opened his
mo$th to speak 5adger o$ld raise his pa in admonishment! and
say something along the lines of! "one thing at a time! yo$ng fello!
one thing at a time ? no here have 6 p$t the teapot9& *o .ole
7$st had to sit and bite his tong$e( the Water Rat2s dark eyes
tinkled merrily at him in the firelight! as he reconciled himself to
aiting $ntil the 5adger as good and ready to hear him o$t0 When
at last the tea as breed! and Ratty had been p$t in charge of
r$stling $p some gr$b! the 5adger sank into his ancient rocking chair
and hee4ed! "no hat2s all the f$ss abo$t .ole9& Confronted!
finally! ith the possibility of e3plication! the .ole2s tho$ghts got
into a m$ddle0 There as so m$ch to tell that it as like po$ring
ater into an inverted f$nnel and trying not to spill a drop0 5$t
5adger as so calm and logical and patient! that he rapidly
constr$cted an acc$rate assessment of all that had transpired since he
had retired for the inter after the general election0 From time to
time he nodded as .ole talked! and signalled his f$ll grasp $pon the
facts ith an elephantine bloing of his nose0 "Well the first thing
to say yo$ng .ole! is that yo$2ve done $s pro$d0 +o yo$2ve borne
living in -ondon is B$ite beyond me! and ith the ins$fferable Toad
of all people0&
"#t heart he2s a very decent sort!& interceded .ole! "and
genero$s to a fa$lt0&
"Especially to bookmakers!& retorted the 5adger0 "5$t the great
thing is that yo$2ve kept him o$t of tro$ble0 #nd! yo$ o$ld have
me believe that he2s being offered a serio$s position in government9
Tell me 62m still dreaming0&
"2Fraid not%& cried Ratty heartily ? tossing some thick rashers of
back bacon into the frying pan ' ith hich 5adger had endoed
him! "6 as there hen the Prime .inister rang! 6 can still taste that
steak and ale pie0&
"#nd hat did yo$ say they2re going to p$t him in charge of9&
"Trees! cos and the inland aterays0 )h! and the hose'
racing ind$stry as a seetener0&
;D=
"*o 6 take it he asn2t keen9&
"<o$ kno Toad! 5adger! he2s not B$ite as e3ercised abo$t the
f$t$re of the co$ntry as he might be0&
"<o$ mean he2s bone idle9&
"Well at least he2s not ambitio$s%& called o$t the Water Rat
above the spitting of the fat in his pan! "6 can2t bear an ambitio$s
animal! it2s not nat$ral0&
"#ll the same!& r$minated 5adger! "there2s more to this than
meets the eye0 <o$ did the right thing knocking me $p at this
$ngodly season0 We need to be on o$r g$ard0 Toad2s a pan in
some dark game! as s$re as eggs is eggs0&
"*peaking of hich! here do yo$ keep yo$rs9& sang the Water
Rat0 "J$st above yo$r head in that basket0 There2s absol$tely no
ay that d$ffer has achieved this on his on merit! even backed $p
by yo$!& he added! ret$rning to the s$b7ect $nder disc$ssion0
"*omething2s afoot .ole! something2s afoot hen they p$t a hapless
toad in charge of foot and mo$th disease0& They stared into the fire0
"*till! not m$ch chance of a c$ll!& said 5adger! brightening0
There as a s$dden great clattering of crockery $pon the table0
"+o m$ch bacon can yo$ manage 5adger9& Ratty called above
the din he as creating0
"J$st yo$ feed yo$rselves!& replied their host! solicito$sly! "62ve
already had my porridge ? 7olly good ith a little heatgerm and
honey!& he confided to the .ole0
Even as they ate it became clear that the 5adger as defying the
las of gravity to keep his eye'lids open! and so ith the dishes
ashed and dried! they thanked him! apologised once again for
intr$ding! and prepared to depart0 +oever! 5adger as keen to
impress $pon them! even as he stifled a yan! that he very m$ch
appreciated being kept abreast of these developments! and that they
ere to think nothing of dist$rbing him again on s$ch important
b$siness0 #s he shook .ole2s pa in parting! he stared very keenly
into his eyes0
"Take care .ole! my yo$ng friend! there are s$pranational
poers at ork here0 5$t yo$ kno here to find me! and no be
off ith yo$ both! yo$2ve got a ays to go before it gets dark0 62ll
see yo$ again hen the b$ds are on the blackthorn! if not before0&
#nd ith these ords he aved a last goodbye! p$shed his sc$ffed
front door'to behind them! and shambled back don into his set! to
;F>
res$me his sl$mbers ' hile the to friends t$rned their attention to
retracing their steps back thro$gh the oodland0 The Water Rat as
happily digesting l$nch! the .ole more pensively digesting the tr$e
import of 5adger2s ords of arning0
;F;
Chapter Sixteen
Toad and .ole ere met off the train at Paddington by a
melancholy .ohammed0 #s their driver d$tif$lly negotiated the
ha4ards of the Congestion Wone in the Priap$s *m$g! he co$ld not
forebear from sharing ith them the so$rce of his disB$iet0 +is boy!
Cmar! as enrolled at a prestigio$s .adrasa in Mensington
,s$pported by the Department of Ed$cation $nder its enlightened
faith'based learning programme/0 Cmar had come home ' f$ll of
e3citement ' ith a letter setting o$t the details of the school2s
ann$al 7ihad0 The destination as Mandahar and! hile .ohammed
as very m$ch in favo$r of c$lt$ral e3change! he as nervo$s abo$t
alloing his son to embark on this partic$lar e3c$rsion0 5$t Cmar2s
heart as set on the trip! and he as already hard at ork $pon his
valedictory video! so hat as his father to do9 +e didn2t ant to
alienate the boy by p$tting his pa don and s$b7ecting the c$b to
the ridic$le of his peers! b$t very fe p$pils ever came back from
these e3peditions $nscathed! and they often ended $p in B$ite
$ns$itable camps0 The tro$ble as that the lad as simply dying to
go( he2d been convinced by his teachers that the e3perience o$ld
be heavenly0 .ohammed as in ang$ish! the child as barely
thirteen and had never been aay from home before0 # deeply
sympathetic Toad! ho had some considerable say ith the yo$th
,the yo$ng tiger had rapidly come to see him as a benevolent '
tho$gh $nbelieving ' $ncle/ promised to have a ord ith the c$b at
the earliest opport$nity0
Fennela had blossomed hile they had been aay( delicio$sly
honed by Derek ho had contin$ed to eave his magic! gone ere
the 7arring ro$ge lipsticks and v$lgar bl$e eye'shados! in place
ere the pastel shimmering golds and violets and greens hich
bro$ght o$t the colo$r of her eyes and enhanced her nat$ral
comple3ion0 With her 1ational +ealth spectacles replaced by
ma$ve contact lenses! she as beginning to evoke something of the
B$ality of a rare hotho$se orchid0 Cosmetic dentistry co$ld not be
far behind0 .ost cr$cially of all! the discipline as being
painstakingly instilled in the yo$ng rabbit of invariably leaving the
table anting more( already she had shed a dress si4e0
;FA
.ole did not even bother to $npack before r$nning to the office
and accessing the Defra ebsite0 +e noted h$ngrily the recent
la$nch of the one'stop'shop for climate change adaptation! and it
took all of Jaro4lav2s sophisticated skills to prise him aay from the
s$mmary of responses to broadly eB$ivalent cons$ltation on
packaging and packaging aste ' in order to cons$me his dinner0
2ennela fitted in very nicely working for Mole both in the
hoe office and accopanying hi into the >ouse; she also took
over the )ug and was very good natured at ferrying the
diverse ebers of the )t <aes household around, Toad
having decided that with an e6panded staff it was the perfect
e6cuse to buy a ore suitable vehicle for Mohaed to drive
hi around in.
? visit to an e6clusive =erkeley )0uare showroo was
arranged and a gleaing ?ston Martin 4@ 4antage 5oadster
was enthusiastically chosen and delivered. Thereafter the
unlikely sight of Mohaed towering over Toad in his
passenger seat becae a failiar one around town, the gossip
coluns aking uch of Mohaed’s habit of stopping to
prostrate hiself to Mecca no atter wherever they were, one
faous incident occurring while Toad was attending an
e6clusive opening of a 8ondon ?rt &allery and the guests were
unable to get in the front doors for a whole fifteen inutes while
Mohaed prayed on his very precisely placed at.
Toad settled back comfortably into -ondon life and altho$gh the
odd bo3 of papers marked for the attention of the Cnder'*ecretary of
*tate arrived! they did not $nd$ly dist$rb the even tenor of his days
as the .ole hisked them aay and! apart from tro$bling him for
the occasional signat$re! did not ta3 him ith them f$rther0 -ne
afternoon a atter arose however, that he really needed to sort
out thanks to the Minister focusing a little ore thoroughly on
the thoroughbred horse racing industry than he had before.
Mole picked up the telephone to ring Toad on his obile t to
try and clarify what he was looking at.
;FD
“,an you ake it 0uick Moley, I’ playing with the cubs.$
“It’s about your e6penses, I don’t see this one for ABC.DE
getting past the -ffice of ?ccountability.$
“=ut, I lost at poker to the ducks#$
“What’s that got to do with your e6penses"$ Mole had to
know.
“It was on the way to work#$ cried the indignant Toad.
“!and, this one is definitely is not an allowable e6pense.$
“I don’t see why not, it’s only a racehorse, a real bargain, B
year old Irish filly, lost her last race but, has real for.$
Mole groaned and put his head in his paws, there really was
no reasoning with Toad when he had the wind in his sails. >e
resolved to have a 0uiet word with <ulian who would
undoubtedly sort the filly out to the satisfaction of all.
“3on’t worry, I’ll sort it out but, as for the 3ucks, you
shouldn’t dabble with the, everyone knows they play with
arked cards.$ Mole reassured his old friend before putting the
receiver down.
Toad pressed the red button on his obile to hang it up and
went back to playing indoor cro0uet on the drawing roo
carpet with /ar and his brothers and sisters. It had becoe an
en%oyable ritual to go for ice:crea in the park after the gae
and that day Toad looked forward to seeing the the pelicans with
who they had struck up a lively discourse. 'oung /ar was
uch taken by the birds’ laissez-faire attitude to life.
)n the ay home from one s$ch e3c$rsion! on a bl$stery day in
the second eek of .arch ? the c$bs didn2t seem to discriminate
overm$ch abo$t the eather hen it came to ice'cream ? they
,#bd$l'.alik/ prevailed $pon the rel$ctant Cnder'*ecretary to take
the long ro$te home via Trafalgar *B$are so they could see the
fountains0 6t as at #dmiralty #rch that they ere accosted by a
delightf$l yo$ng oman ith a clipboard ho beso$ght a fe
min$tes of their time to el$cidate the hardships of the pioneering
settlers in the Palestinian Territories0 # trifling monthly direct debit
of R;>>! she e3plained most inningly! co$ld keep a hole family
in amm$nition for an C4i for a eek0 +aving talked the matter over
ith his yo$ng friends Toad declined! most politely ,the charity
;FF
m$gger as really most engaging/0 +oever! try as Toad might to
7olt him o$t of it by offering! B$ite abs$rdly! to race the siney
yo$ng fello home! Cmar tr$dged back to *t James2s *B$are in a
dark reverie folloing this enco$nter0
The Prime .inister as generally very pleased ith the
progress of his plan0 -eslie Chippendale'5ill had been secretly
primed to e3pect preferment! and rather than soing discord in
Defra! Freddy had created an e3tra 7$nior ministerial position for the
Toad to occ$py0 *ince that orthy as almost never there and .ole
took a laborio$s interest in the min$tiae! the hole department ran
like clockork( the civil servants ere the envy of their peers in
being alloed to get on ith the 7ob of p$rs$ing the E$ropean
interest0 Those members of the government ho felt threatened by
the Toad hardly liked to say so! b$t the lobby fodder on the
backbenches ere slightly prone to seething in the tearooms0 J$st
no and again Toad2s presence as act$ally reB$ired in the
Chamber to make some prono$ncement concerning the relative C)
A
emissions of cos and trees0
5$t he as alays metic$lo$sly prepared for these appearances
by .ole ' over long and highly en7oyable l$nches at vario$s famo$s
atering holes! Toad having developed something of passion for
trying o$t ne c$isines altho$gh he as alays kind and diplomatic
eno$gh to reass$re Ethel that her cooking as to be preferred and
no'one co$ld ever rival her apple pie and homemade vanilla ice'
cream and c$stard ith the e3tra Chantilly cream on the side ' and!
therefore! by association fo$nd the e3perience of defending
government policy great f$n0
The Toad as a nat$ral entertainer and rarely failed to receive a
good reception! despite his lack of clear political s$pport ithin the
party ' occasioned by nat$ral rivalries0 The ne Cnder'*ecretary
co$ld even paint 5l$etong$e disease in the most engrossing light0 6t
as almost impossible not to arm to Toad! especially given his
devil'may'care approach to poer and! hat as more! everybody
kne that he had the f$ll backing of the Prime .inister0 +ad it not
been for certain vestigial tensions at the e3ec$tive heart of Defra!
;FG
beteen the gilded careers of his fello Cnder *ecretaries! even
more might have been seen of Toad $pon the television at this time0
.ole as! hoever! groing s$spicio$s abo$t the bona fides of
Freddie Fo30 There as an $ncomfortable atmosphere developing in
the +o$se! there as a ne and intr$sive presence everyhere
apparent0 +e decided to voice his misgivings over tea0
"*omething2s rotten in the *tate of Denmark& said .ole darkly!
savo$ring the literary all$sion0 6t as lost on Toad0
"62m more bally fed $p abo$t the state of this palace yo$2re so
f$ll of0 6 keep tripping over cameras and cables and sinister foreign
electricians0 Why! 6 as even incommoded in the gents0 What the
de$ce is going on9&
The .ole resolved to do some digging0
.eanhile R$dyard .aliss had fo$nd a sol$tion to his problem
of trying to be in to places at one time no that the Parliamentary
Pro7ect as set $p to his satisfaction0 +is son 5r$ce and his bosom
companion! +arvey J0 5l$mB$ist 666 Jnr! ere in the latter2s den at
his parent2s ho$se in The +amptons0 They ere chillin20
"+ey bro%& s$ggested 5r$ce! "hy don2t e go get o$rselves an
eighth of chronic an2 bla4e it $p all night! innit9& The idiom in
hich the fr$it of 5en2s loins e3pressed himself! spoke of his rich
cosmopolitan $pbringing ? and the intense st$dy he had made
thro$gho$t his formative years of the great $pheaval that as
Ea)tEnder), hich had served to provide a tentative link to his
maternal c$lt$re0 +is yo$ng friend as on the point of hole'
heartedly conc$rring ith this e3cellent s$ggestion! hen 5r$ce as
$ne3pectedly t3td( his look of disg$st as he dropped his iPhone said
it all0
"D$de% What2s going don! is dat yo ho dissin yo$9&
"1o!& replied 5r$ce! s$llenly ? ho didn2t on a hoe! "da
cr$mbly ants me to go to -ondon! England and r$n tha mother%&
5$t his confidante shoed scant sympathy0 "Jee4e! if yo$ think
that2s lame man! 6 gotta spend the hole goddam s$mmer
reform$lating C* foreign policy in the .id East%& he gr$mbled
;FI
aspishly0 "62ve been dodging it for longer than Dick Cheney
dodged the draft! an2 if it ain2t done come the Fall! Pops says he2s
gonna give Te3aco to Jesse ? and Jesse don2t kno Jack shit abo$t
oil0&
They sat and r$minated bitterly on their tisted fates0 5$t the
sap of yo$th co$rsing in their pedigree veins inevitably reasserted
their )ang,roid! and presently it bore in $pon them that since
+arvey2s parents ere aay on their yacht in .artha2s :ineyard!
they had the hole ho$se to themselves in hich to "have it large&
as 5r$ce so poetically phrased it ? for altho$gh not formally
ed$cated ' he had an $ncanny ear for the mot 7u)te0 6n a split'second
confl$ence of ratiocinations ' hich provided e3treme merriment to
both parties ' they sei4ed their mobile telephone comm$nicators! and
dialled0 +alf an ho$r later the chronic delivery boy departed on his
hog! his d$ties deftly e3ec$ted! and ith an e3tra ell'earned
greenback in his b$lging billfold0 The night as still yo$ng hen
5r$ce and +arvey J 5l$mB$ist 666 Jnr! high'fived it back to the den
in search of solace from the merciless press$res being heaped $pon
their yo$ng and sensitive sho$lders ' thro$gh the crackly medi$m of
bespoke tin'foil0
R$dyard .aliss2s pyramid selling scheme co$ld not dance
attendance on his son2s alternative lifestyle0 #l'5armi as getting
into a B$ite ridic$lo$s ste! and R$dyard as finding his sleeping
partner2s diatribes in broken English increasingly trying0 Were it not
for the fact that )i%2s masterf$l CE) had tho$ghtf$lly provided a
sec$re sit$ation for #l'5armi2s favo$rite son ith a loyal Colombian
associate! the Egyptian entreprene$r2s contrib$tion to the 7oint'
vent$re might ell have been fo$nd even more sadly anting than
as already the case0
Tenty'fo$r ho$rs having elapsed since 5r$ce had been
s$mmoned! and still ith no sign of him in -ondon! R$dyard co$ld
forbear no longer0 With each passing day he as getting more fed
$p ith the privations of the Ramada 6nn0 Goaded into action at last!
he ,R$dyard/ made discreet contact ith a fello <ale al$mni ' no
clandestinely stationed at the Embassy in Grosvenor *B$are ,here
he headed $p the section in charge of non'compliance ith local
traffic calming meas$res/! and called in a favo$r0
;FJ
#s dan broke the folloing morning 5r$ce fo$nd himself on
an e3traordinary rendition flight to Prestick! *cotland ' via Diego
Garcia before being b$ndled into the back of a van ith a hood
firmly sec$red over his head0 6t as a really bad trip b$t! that didn2t
bother R$dyard0 The long's$ffering .aliss senior had $ndertaken to
reimb$rse the Pentagon for the services of the m$ch decorated 1avy
*eal! .a7or Ephraim W0 5lite! ho had heroically accompanied the
pampered darling of 5en2s heart to this seet rende4vo$s0
While 5r$ce slept off the liB$id cosh administered by 5lite '
somehere over the 6ndian )cean ' his father n$rsed a oef$l
Cin4ano'on'the'rocks! and contemplated his genetic legacy0 #ll
great artists have to ork ith the material to hand! and his as
5r$ce0 5$t ho as he to imb$e the boy ith his on inspired
vision of a digital democracy9 +e hoped that taking off the kid
gloves and treating him as if he o$ld any other recalcitrant
employee o$ld make the difference and 5r$ce o$ld clearly see on
hich side his bread as b$ttered0 The stripling groaned and tried to
rise0 )n a given signal from R$dyard! 5lite sliced off the plastic
restraints and removed the hood ' hich had $ntil this point
disg$ised their hereabo$ts0 R$dyard as gambling on the
possibility that his son o$ld find it hard to disting$ish beteen the
interior of one ens$ite Ramada 6nn bedroom and another0 .a7or
5lite ithdre to the bathroom! leaving no trace of his presence( it
as as tho$gh he had never been there0 "This is ell minging%&
5r$ce spat o$t in disg$st! "here2s yo$r head at man9&
"We haven2t got time for all that psychobabble no 5r$ce( let2s
7$st bleedin2 ell bond and get on ith it0 Do yo$ ant a coke9&
"<eah! slice me a line!& came the tr$c$lent response0 R$dyard
tossed him a DD> cl can from the mini'bar0 Parched from his long
7o$rney 5r$ce didn2t B$ibble0 5lite made a coy parach$te roll from
the bathroom to the tro$ser press to recover his balaclava ' his manly
feat$res mo$lded by grit and self'conscio$sness0 6n his ha4y Theta
brainave state! this $nlooked for demonstration of years of rigoro$s
selection! discipline and training impacted more ac$tely $pon yo$ng
5r$ce2s impressionable mind even than the Coca'Cola0
;FL
"6 gotta go to Cairo! Egypt! the sphincters aren2t playing ball
ith $s 5r$ce! and that effects yo$r f$t$re as m$ch as mine ? more
in fact! on a pro'rata basis0 62ve had a good innings 5r$ce! 6 don2t
deny that! b$t 6 never had yo$r advantages in life ,$nless yo$ co$nt
my inheritance! and that as 7$st a fe lo$sy nespapers/0 5$t 62ve
made something of myself thro$gh sheer hard graft! as ell as doing
my best to be there for yo$ boy( it2s bloody to$gh finding the right
orkQlife balance! let me tell yo$ that for nothing0 #nd 62ve had my
fair share of setbacks son! b$t then again too fe to mention! and
more! m$ch more than this! 62ve had it my ay0 #nd there ere
times! 62m s$re yo$ kne! hen 6 bit off more than 6 co$ld che! b$t
thro$gh it all hen there as do$bt! 6 ate it $p and spat it o$t% To
think 6 did all that( and may 6 say! not in a shy ay! no! oh no not
me% 5$t 6 did it all for yo$ 5r$ce! that2s God2s on tr$th0 6 did it
yo$r ay0 #nd no all 6 ant is for yo$ to hit that last home r$n0
62ve pitched it $p good and high 5r$cie( no hack it for si3% .ake
me pro$d before 6 die0 J$st yo$ and me mate! chip and block ?
together e can globalise to the ma30 6t may be c$rtains for yo$r old
man! b$t one day my son! people ill stop in the street and say ")i%
there2s 5r$ce%&
"5$t they already do%&
"6f yo$2re going to be ilf$lly bloody obt$se abo$t this then 62m
going to have to ask 5lite to e3plain it ? and 62ll tell yo$ something
for nothing! he2s got a collapsible aterboard%&
"1ah! ah get it alright dad!& said 5r$ce hastily! "6 7$st don2t get
hat it is yo$ ant me to do abo$t it! innit9& R$dyard p$t a fatherly
hand on his son2s sho$lder0 "*on! yo$2re in -ondon and all 6 ant
yo$ to do is prod$ce + 2ee- into 2arliament! ill yo$ do that for
yo$r old man9&
"<o$ ant me to pimp $p yo$r programme9&
"Precisely0&
".onster% #esome%&
R$dyard groaned to himself in despair thinking of all the tro$ble
and e3pense he had gone to having his son bro$ght to -ondon0 #s it
t$rned o$t! all he needed to have done as to tell 5r$ce he as
going to ork in T: and he probably o$ld have paid his on fares
at least as far as :ictoria Coach *tation0
;F=
#nd s$ddenly Easter as $pon them all0 The Cnder'*ecretary'
of'*tate for the -ast F$rlong ,as he had affectionately become
knon/ decamped to his constit$ency ith his increasing and
devoted ento$rage for the most important holiday in the Christian
calendar ' despite its dearth of gold and frankincense and myrrh0
The oods and ater meados ere already vividly astir0 There
as an almost perceptible groaning of ne birth ithin the moist
loam( the carcasses of last years2 trees ere being artf$lly fitted for
fresh ne fripperies by 1at$re2s seamstresses ith co$ntless
emerald pins! and the blackthorn as in a bla4e of ice'hite floer0
The 5adger as abroad in the increasingly prod$ctive tilight
ho$rs0
-ady Gertr$de had! meanhile! taken the constit$ency by the
scr$ff of the neck0 6t as not so m$ch p$rring as himpering $nder
her ministrations b$t her f$nd'raising efforts had borne fr$it as the
ell'to'do kne better than to ignore her invitations0 *he gloed
ith self orth ? and a ne diamond brooch0
5$t! above all else it as simply glorio$s boating eather0
There as an $nacc$stomed shyness to the Water Rat2s demeano$r
as he shoed the .ole all the little improvements he had made to
the eB$ipment0 The boat had been taken $p o$t of the ater
altogether and scr$bbed from stem to stern0 The paintork shone
and the varnish glistened! the r$dder lines had been re'spliced! the
rolocks dampened and fitted ith ne chains! the d$ckboards
replaced! the split oar screed and gl$ed! and a brand ne painter
lay coiled in the bos0
These didn2t seem great things in the Water Rat2s eyes to set
beside .ole2s vast accomplishments in -ondon! b$t his friend2s
heart as r$ng to see all that he had left Ratty to str$ggle ith
alone ' hile he had been off selfishly tilting at indmills0 6t had
traditionally fallen to .ole to mend the c$shions ? a 7ob! in fact! that
he had rather coveted! and it eased his distress somehat that Ratty
had been able to t$rn to .rs Witherspoon for help in this important
B$arter! at least0 6n some small! indirect ay it enabled him to feel
that he had played a part in preparing their elegant sky bl$e craft for
;G>
hat promised to be a memorable season0 The Water Rat! of co$rse!
had relished every o$nce of energy he had e3pended on the pro7ect!
and had been b$rsting to share the fr$its of his labo$r0 5y the time
they had ro$nded the first bend in the river! the pristine keel dancing
effortlessly thro$gh the avelets ' as Ratty2s blades bit e3pertly into
the ater! thro$gh hich the .ole2s deft pas g$ided them ' past
the r$stling sedges! the s$n $pon their sho$lders and the riparian
bree4e in their nostrils! ith a smartly packed hamper t$cked $p
$nder the seat ' all s$ch reservations had evaporated0 *itting back
$pon the freshly covered c$shions in the stern! ith the r$dder lines
comm$nicating the song of the river to his so$l! .ole relived the
first into3ication of his enco$nter ith boats0 Ratty! ho had p$t on
a fe po$nds since then! had to stop and $nb$tton his aistcoat0 #
cheeky reed arbler assayed a bar or to of strip'tease fanfare at the
spectacle( it as going to be a grand day0
The Mhans had also come back to Riverbank for Easter ' hich
this year coincided ith Ramadan0 Cmar2s mother! Whadi7a! as
groing increasingly orried abo$t her son2s morbid preocc$pation
ith the #fterlife0 Ethel2s m$m! :enetia! had become a great so$rce
of spirit$al strength to the entire ho$sehold ith her rich store of
e3perience gained in the *$mmer of -ove! and her don'to'earth
5$ddhist philosophy0 # deep $nderstanding of the healing
properties of mari7$ana had ind$ced in her a profo$nd calm0 This
good oman as transcending her $nresolved iss$es ith her
da$ghter to become a mater'familias to them all0 6t as! therefore!
nat$ral that Whadi7a sho$ld confide her fears in the older oman0
:enetia as strongly of the opinion that Cmar sho$ld be removed
from his academy for the time being! at least! since he as at that
impressionable age hen the l$re of virgins! in any B$antities at all!
might prove B$ite catastrophic0 1otithstanding the intense
competition for places at the .adrasa al'Gore! .ohammed as
relieved to follo her advice and bring him home0 )f co$rse the
tigers had reclaimed possession of their three'bedroomed home in
the ton thro$gh the good offices of J$lian! b$t they had gron fond
of space in hich to gambol and ere largely to be fo$nd at Toad
+all0 Cmar as very st$dio$s! and at that clo$dy age hen the
orld is still simming into vie0 The boy as a deep thinker! and
Toad2s spontaneo$s kindness to his family in their ho$r of
;G;
desperation had made a great impression on him! and yet this
honorary $ncle appeared to have no other rai)on dDFtre than to be
glad to be alive( he adhered to no firm precepts that Cmar co$ld
detect ? so! in p$rs$it of Tr$th! the lad resolved to challenge his
benefactor2s core beliefs0
,ontinuity1 If Mucklehose is the head gardener, ake
references to 3erek as the landscape artiste. ?lter previous
gardening references to 3erek and ephasise that while 3erek
ight design the flower beds it is Mucklehouse who gets on and
plants the and does all the dirty work.'() =/T T-?3 >?)
? >(?3 &?53(.(5 ?.3 ?. /.3(5:&?53(.(5
=(,?/)( >( I) )- 5I,>. .((3 T- &- =?,F T-
,>?7T(5 -.( -.W?53) ?.3 TW(?F 3(5(F
5(2(5(.,() I. T>I) ,?)(. M/,F8(>-)( I) -.8' ?
W?8F -. 7?5T.
The Toad derived enormo$s satisfaction from c$tting the grass
astride his tractor moer ,it as as close as he as alloed by la
to the open road/0 +e as by no means a master of the straight line
? .$cklehose! the head'gardener ho took great pride in
maintaining the lans to a smooth green pristine perfection! had
come ithin an inch of handing in his notice over the matter a do4en
times0 5$t Toad as e3$berant! he re7oiced in the so$nd and smell!
and fo$nd the methodical annihilation the daisies strangely calming!
and as! therefore! apoplectic hen Cmar 7$mped o$t in front of
him0 "What the bla4es%& he cried! as the engine stalled in response
to the driver2s flailing legs0 "6 co$ld have killed yo$%&
"#re yo$ a people of the book9& demanded Cmar imperio$sly!
above the dying of the revs0
*tr$ggling to regain his seat! Toad as too conf$sed by the
B$estion to be f$rio$s0 "<o$ kno f$ll ell that the *acing 2o)t is
my bible%& he declaimed0
"That cannot be! here is yo$r ch$rch9&
"5eteen Toad +all and the village! yo$ kno that as ell as 6
do% This is madness Cmar! 62ve got another five acres to mo( no
get o$t of the ay before 6 give yo$ a piece of my mind%&
;GA
"Do yo$ go9&
"Well the ch$rch f[tes are alays f$n! and 6 do en7oy a good
sing'song ' it helps to keep the instr$ment in t$ne! and a certain
something is e3pected of a chap in my position( family pe and all
that0&
"*o yo$ are a Christian9&
Toad considered0 "Well in a manner of speaking! 6 s$ppose 6
am ' or more strictly speaking! C of E0&
"What is yo$r faith9&
Toad2s ga4e took in the bright green bonnet of the little tractor
of hich he as so cr$elly being denied the 7oy( his vision e3tended
to the mangled grass on either side! the honey'h$ed alls of the
stable yard! the illos t$mbling don to the ater in the distance!
the n$mino$s sky high above in hich a lark as trembling! and
finally came to rest $pon the form of the an3io$s adolescent tiger in
his spotless dhoti ho had checked Toad2s carefree progress across
the lan0 "*omething along the lines ofE give the other fello a
fighting chance9& he vent$red tentatively! at last0
Cmar considered this contrib$tion to the history of moral
philosophy closely ' and at length0 Then he asked0 "Was Jes$s a
Je9&
"1o 6 really am in over my head!& said Toad! "that2s the sort
of thing yo$2d have to take $p ith 5adger0 .ind yo$ the chaps2
s$rname is a bit of a giveaay0 )f co$rse he co$ld have been
operating $nder cover! it2s all a bit of a mystery ? and no 6 really
m$st get on ith the moing! the grass is groing even as e speak0
62ve got 4&e >utla! (o)ey Wale) on D:D! if yo$2re interested%
#nd! if yo$2ve got any more braincr$nchers like that yo$ need
ansering! then 6 believe that .ole has trained a mo$se to look them
$p0&
Cmar as intrig$ed by the idea of a mo$se ho co$ld look
things $p and to be honest it did so$nd more f$n than the dry lessons
he had been sitting thro$gh in school0 +e looked ,$p/ at Toad ith
ne respect! his honorary Cncle lived life to the f$ll and as a good
person even if .ole sometimes complained abo$t little things like
;GD
him not paying attention ,hich Cmar co$ld $nderstand! sometimes
people ere boring hen they talked a lot/0 Toad had never h$rt
anyone that he kne of and it as great f$n hanging o$t ith him!
besides his parents hadn2t let him atch any Clint Eastood action
films saying he as too yo$ngH
"Come on! hop $p and help me finish moing the lan! do yo$
ant to drive9& asked Toad to distract Cmar from asking any more
B$estions0 6t as a kind and genero$s offer! and the yo$ng tiger did
not hesitate in taking advantage of it before Toad changed his mind0
#nd so it as that Cmar fo$nd a ne passion for learning!
maybe not B$ite in the ay his parents had hoped for and hen a
fe eeks later he somehat nervo$sly asked over breakfast if they
minded if Toad p$t him $p for Eton! they raised no ob7ections0 6t
as not B$ite the path .ohammed had imagined for his son! b$t
anything as better than martyrdom0
0
;GF
Chapter Seventeen
The Prime .inister as thinking holistically0 Global
conscio$sness co$ld be a to'edged sord! and not necessarily a
nice one0 5$t pl$gging 5ritish politics into the orld'ide'eb! in a
very big ay indeed! might be presented as an e3tremely
enlightened strategy for conflict resol$tion ? and 7$st might e3tricate
him from the sharp end of that sord0 For all its creaking flas and
d$sty anachronisms! the Constit$tion had proved a very fle3ible
friend to the nation don the cent$ries! and as s$rely capable of
adapting to R$dyard .aliss2s challenge0 What as a to'bit media
trillionaire to set beside the sedimentary development of h$man
aspirations over millennia9
2reddy had not yet found tie to direct his attention to
constitutional refor. )nappy 7aragraph needed1 suing up
2reddy’s abitions in a way the ordinary reader can
understand.
=ut, he didn’t have tie for that now, he had a conference
call with 5udyard Maliss, 3r 4aughn Mc5ipper, Maraduke
Torche:3eloitte and 8eslie ,hippendale =ill. >e pressed the
buGGer to notify Maude he was free, “,an you set up that call
now, thank you.$
“4aughn, I’ve got the transcripts of the calls in front of e
but, there doesn’t see to be anything we can use apart fro
this one" 8eslie, what do you think"$
“(6penses 2reddy, always a good one. I think we should go
for it, I ean a racehorse, what was he thinking"$
“Well, it is Toad, does he think"$ Maraduke guffawed at
his own %oke.
“I’ll fi6 it up with &or =liey#$ 5udyard’s sinister drawl
interrupted the laughter. “=y the way I’ve had to leave town on
business and I’ve put young =ruce in charge of the 8ondon
operation, he has no idea what is going on which is the way I like
it. If you need anything, te6t e.$
“-F, that’s sorted.$ 2reddy took charge of the conversation
again, “.ow, we need to fi6 up our ne6t eeting, what do you
;GG
think of the 7layboy ,lub ne6t Thursday, no:one would suspect
anything of us eeting there" )ay, it’s a birthday do, get a cake,
that sort of thing"$
“,apital idea, 2reddy#$ 3r 4aughn Mc5ipper had always
wanted to check out the =unny &irls but hadn’t in case his wife
and his 7resbyterian grass roots would ob%ect now, he had the
perfect e6cuse, no:one said no to party invitation fro the 7rie
Minister.
“Think that’s all for today, Maude will sort out the details
and notify you.$ 2reddy put down his receiver with a satisfied
clunk.
In the outer office, Maude sat there staring at the
speakerphone on her desk. )he knew 2reddy had been up to
soe nefarious things but, this seeed to be going a bit too far
even for hi. Toad was such a nice person, always waved a
cheery hello to her and, he didn’t see the sort to cheat on his
e6penses since he was so very rich anyway.
*traddling the bi'polar tendencies of his on party had
reB$ired all his talent for circ$mloc$tion! and the vivid scars left by
1e -abo$r2s br$tal s$rgery had not even beg$n to heal0 The
devol$tion settlement had thron into B$estion not only the
co$ntry2s legitimate claim to a contin$ing seat on the *ec$rity
Co$ncil! b$t also the f$t$re of the deep ater harbo$rs in *cotland '
$pon hich the 8independent2 n$clear deterrent as predicated0 The
Celtic fringe as ild and $nr$ly ? altho$gh ell'read ' and ran
beyond the rit of Tory la0 Wilf$l c$ts in defence spending over
many decades combined ith ill'conceived foreign advent$res on
the coat tails of Cncle *am! meant that the Trident boats! rather than
the +ighland regiments ,no shackled ith an obligation to observe
the E$ropean Convention on +$man Rights/! ere! effectively! the
front line in a orld in hich a res$rgent R$ssia! controlling
;GI
E$rope2s oil ' and ith the legacy of the *oviet #rsenal! and a
smarting sense of national h$miliation from the Cold War ' had been
goaded into madness by 5$shish pan'#tlanticism ,hich had
regarded everybody2s backyard as its on/ vied ith a rampant!
monolithic China to make life $ncomfortable for the West0 Perhaps
there as an opport$nity to lance the hole damned t$mo$r!
incl$ding the r$mbling peptic $lcer of the p$tative E$ropean
constit$tion9
# Great Reform 5ill as on the cards! ith Frederick Fo32s
name on it0 The evolving 5ritish constit$tion had the great strength
of providing a moving target to the peripatetic EC poers0 6t
presented the ideal stalking horse for this partic$lar game of
hide2n2seek0
*o ho to lock the pieces of the 7igsa p$44le together9
England itho$t *cotland o$ld be a poorer place indeed0 Ever
since the debacle of the Darien #dvent$re! the *cots had been the
backbone of the Empire ? b$t the West -othian P$estion had to be
addressed( the last government had been r$n by *cotsmen and the
present one incl$ded very fe0 The Cpper +o$se had been
marginali4ed ever since the days of -loyd George! and constit$ted
no real bridle on the e3ec$tive0 <et hat if it ere to be retained in
all its pomp and ceremony and! most vitally! still as a medi$m of
patronage ' b$t ith an element of devol$tion to its composition and
mandate9 6f the -ords ere to be nominated from the diverse
nations and regions of the Cnited Mingdom! based $pon the political
needs of the *cottish and Welsh legislat$res! as ell as that in
1orthern 6reland! then those peoples o$ld have a brake $pon the
English 7$ggerna$t0
+oever! the English regions o$ld ant to have their say in
s$ch a settlement( hich implied dismantling the co$ntry into
regions! and granting them allocations of seats in the )ther Place
based $pon their per capita electoral rolls( a ca$se 1e -abo$r had
signally failed to sell effectively0 6f the Parliament #ct ere to be
revisited! and the Cpper Chamber granted a more *enatorial role in
the constit$tion then might the hole not ork immeas$rably better
toards the common eal! and fr$strate not only the nationalists! b$t
;GJ
5r$ssels at every t$rn9 That ay they co$ld keep the -ords
*pirit$al as some sort of salt in the nation2s conscience ? and an
arg$ment against ceding too m$ch poer in sec$lar affairs to the
appointed b$sybodies in the 8$pper ho$se02
The R$ssian 5ear as roaring in the Ca$cas$s0 5ritain2s best
strategic angle lay ith the French0 5$t he ho s$ps ith the devil
m$st needs $se a long spoon0 With this intellect$al amu)e bouc&e in
mind! Frederick Fo3 P0.0 forked a mo$thf$l of +ampshire tr$ffle
omelette ' hich he then st$dio$sly m$nched0
Maude was still puGGling over what she had heard while
walking through the &reat >all on her way hoe after a long
day’s work so when Marshall poked his head out of his cubby
hole and asked her to %oin hi in a late cup of tea, she nodded
and said yes, thank you that would be nice.
“'ou look a bit tired Maude, 2reddy getting you down"$
Marshall liked Maude, she was old school, always said good
orning and goodnight and never forgot his birthday.
“Well, it’s a bit difficult, Marshall, I shouldn’t really talk
about what goes on in the office but, this tie, I’ not so
sure!$ Maude trailed off and looked up over her tea cup, “it
doesn’t see fair really.$
“'ou know you can trust e, Maude, the things I see and
hear, well I could have sold y story any ties over but, that’s
not what it’s about is it" It’s about doing our %obs and doing
the well and part of that is if soething is unfair, well, we
should do soething about it"$ Marshall sat back and waited
for her reaction.
“It’s like this!$ Maude e6plained what she had overheard.
+aving once consented to discharge his father2s c$stomary
obligations to the Ramada 6nn! 5r$ce $ndertook to make it his
abode0 R$dyard as hisked off barely in the nick of time by the
looming storm clo$ds at the World of -oss ' here #l'5armi as at
his its end ' b$t not before he had vo$chsafed to 5r$ce his vision
for the f$t$re of democracy over a poer breakfast at the flagship
branch of Sub,are in the capital of the Cnited Mingdom ,on a par '
;GL
some members of the international Rat Pack considered! ith the
franchise of that p$ngent gastro'e3perience in Dar es *alaam/0
#nd! then the yo$th as left entirely to his on devices0 5$t
here before 5r$ce2s veins had! apparently! been f$ll of lead! no
they ran ith B$icksilver ? s$ch is the galvanising conseB$ence of a
moral p$rpose in .an2s life0 +e had! moreover! the toering
achievement of his patriarch to s$stain! and that good man2s
confidence to earn ' if this as to tr$ly be his Mipling moment0
While to some e3tent familiar ith -ondon ' his mother inhabited a
spraling co$ncil estate in .ayfair ,b$t he had seen little of her
d$ring his formative years as the c$stody battle beteen his parents
had raged $nchecked! leaving him like a cork $pon the eB$ator '
hile his mother had spiralled ever donards into an e3panding
dependency $pon sp$rs to her metabolic rate! and ice'cream/0
6t as! therefore! 5r$ce2s point of depart$re to immerse himself
in the native c$lt$re0 # brief foray to the AF ho$r mini'mart oned
by the freful Mr Iccit, procured Some Reflections on Changing
Tastes in Domestic Violence March 30
th
-April 6th an in:depth
analysis of the forthcoing fictional soap opera events for that
week to be screened on national television : hard:bound and
translated fro the original ?erican with an introduction by
7rofessor 5ichard 3awkins of -6ford /niversity *Weidenfeld,
ABD.HH+. Thus e0uipped for his budding endeavours, the prodigy
stole back to the first place here he had ever tr$ly felt at home! and
took advantage of the tea and coffee'making facilities ' as his father
had shon him ho! before settling don in front of the television
,hich l$3$ry item as incl$ded in the nightly tariff/0
Channel's$rfing came as second nat$re to this seed of .aliss!
b$t his s$ite lacked )i% ,his father having deemed the hotel2s
package B$ite prohibitive/0 Poor 5r$ce as red$ced to trying to
make sense of the orld thro$gh the terrestrial channels ? and *)*2s
coverage of the donhill men2s crochet orld championship finals
from Cttar Pradesh0 6t seemed an eternity before he st$mbled $pon
the c$lt$ral oasis of Loc-ed in a BoB !it& Some Nerd)0 While not
inherently comple3 in its concept$alisation this as! nonetheless! a
;G=
poignant piece of reality T: hich moved 5r$ce very deeply! and
grad$ally set the indmills of his mind irrevocably spinning0
=ruce birthday scene" While he is happily getting on
asterinding his own version of reality tv in 7arliaent he is
on his own and he is going to feel lonely soeties" Ie. he goes
to a coffee shop and orders a strawberry ilkshake and a
cupcake, he tells the waitress it’s his birthday *he’s BI" -f legal
age to arry without his 2ather’s consent!+ and she puts a
little birthday candle on it. >e sits at his table and blows it out
wishing he had soeone to share his ilkshake and cupcake
with" 7lant a little hook for the audience.
?lso aybe a scene of the >ouse of ,oons and =ruce
going in to see how the set up is coing along. >e of course will
not know or realise about the hidden caeras and icrophones
and if he does accidentally see soething will %ust think it is
noral reality tv style" &etting the ipression his idea of ?
7eek into Westinster is not 0uite the sae as his 2ather’s"
=ruce if he follows reality tv prograes will be ore about the
gossip and the background, interviewing the chefs in the
kitchens and doing their background stories, talking to Marshall
in his cubbyhole about what it is like to be asked 0uestions all
day and fil people coing to the cubbyhole to ask 0uestions
JMarshall, how any ties a day do you get asked where the
gift shop is"’ !
*t James2s *B$are as presently restored to its habit$al h$bb$b
,a eek or to after Parliament res$med0/ 6t really as beginning to
feel like home0 Derek had completed the redesign of the interior!
and it as simply the last ord0 The garden as blooming and rang
ith the thock of tennis balls as the tiger c$bs played endless
games in the lengthening evenings0 They even managed to involve
Toad in their racB$et hile Fatima and Whadi7a set'to in no
$ncertain ay in a series of spirited enco$nters ? their bh$rkas
flying behind them don the base'line ,Fatima2s impending
confinement seemed in no ay to diminish her enth$siasm for the
healthy competition/0
;I>
The .ole2s relentless advance on the levers of poer had finally
pers$aded Ratty of the merits of positive participation! and he had!
accordingly! $nb$rdened himself on his illing companion of some
very trenchant vies on the state of the inland aterays0 .ole had
come back to Westminster ith a very f$ll brief ? to hich )tter had
added more than his pennyorth on learning of the .ole2s ascent(
he bore the eight of the f$ll e3pectations of the Riverbank Riparian
*ociety $pon his slender sho$lders0 Flooding as certainly an iss$e
for the .ole0 ?s he walked through the &reat >all to go to his
office, Marshall poked his head out “hello Mole, how was your
(aster break"$
“2ine thank you, how was yours"$
“It was good, do you have tie for a cup of tea.$ Marshall
en0uired significantly, looking around as he did so.
Mole didn’t really have tie but Marshall was behaving a
bit strangely, what skulduggery was afoot now"
Take out 8ady & references and save for later1
-ady Gertr$de had gron B$ite giddy ith e3pectation over
Easter0 Fennela had simply gron in spirit0 Jaro4lav had the
sit$ation $nder revie b$t as finding it increasingly hard to remain
aloof from Ethel2s $rgently ticking biological clock! hich :enetia ?
goaded by a nat$ral l$st for grandchildren ' as shamelessly
inding0 While nat$rally disappointed that Cmar as not folloing
in his on spirit$al footsteps! the large'hearted .ohammed as
B$ietly relieved that his son as not facing oblivion in the opi$m
belt of #fghanistan d$ring his school holidays! and thanked #llah
for the day hen he had got into financial tro$ble and approached
his .P for help0 #t the heart of it all! Toad as happier than he had
ever been ' and *lim )dds *am as beginning to smart0
.ew writing1 Mole and Toad discussing what to to about
2reddy’s playboy club eeting, and 2ennela offering to go
undercover. B or C paragraphs. 5est of the household gets
involved.
It %ust so happened that the Cnder'*ecretary of *tate as
conscientio$s in attending the +o$se every T$esday afternoon
;I;
,d$ring sittings/ to play cribbage ith .armad$ke Torche'Delotte!
the Chief Environment Correspondent for $or Blimey9 6t as
d$ring one of these indiscreet matches that this er$dite member of
the fo$rth estate had introd$ced Toad to the 7oys of taking sn$ff0
From the first sens$al e3plosion in his synapses! it proved a
Damascene t$rning point in his political career0 From that point on
Toad began to make reg$lar appearances at the Dispatch 5o3! and
became increasingly familiar ith the party Whips ,ho 7ovially
organised a hip'ro$nd to b$y him an engraved silver sn$ff'bo3 of
his on as a birthday present ? Toad celebrated his nativity on the
;I
th
.ay/0 The inscription read! 8# Toad for #ll *easons! b$t take
him ith a large pinch of sn$ff2 ' a tist s$ggested by the aggish
.arshall! ho had become Toad2s minder in parliament! and as
idely envied amongst the ancillary staff at Westminster for the
say hich he e3erted over his pet minister0 +oever! Toad had
been caref$lly briefed on the s$b7ect of B$otas and! therefore! kne
that a chap had to e3ercise restraint in doing his bit0 5$t ith the
4ing of sn$ff ringing in his nostrils he as like a Toad reborn! and it
asn2t long before he fo$nd his ay to G0 *mith T *ons at JF
Charing Cross Road ? on his on to legs! b$t in company ith
.armad$ke ho as an &abitu8' to investigate the finest range of
sn$ffs in the hole of -ondon0
When a smoker dies and goes to heaven they stop by *miths
$pon the ayE T$rkish and *obranie tobaccos as ell as the more
pedestrian :irginians! a alk'in h$midor of fine cigars! cigarettes!
fragrant and delectable e3otica in 7ars! barrels and cases of pipes!
acco$trements! hip'flasks! e3B$isite s$ndries and more besides ' all
p$rveyed by a illing and ill'favo$red staff! helpf$lly making light
of their professional e3pertise ? and a da44ling array of delectable!
aromatic sn$ffs to s$it every palate ? the hole p$rveyed at rates
that even .ole might have approved of0 #ltho$gh ho$sed in modest
premises! it as an #laddin2s cave of beleag$ered nicotine booty!
and immediately had the Toad in its thrall0 Ten po$nds b$ys a great
B$antity of sn$ff0
6t as on a visit to this magical kingdom that Toad first
discovered The 6vy! t$cked 7$st aro$nd the corner on the ape3 of
-itchfield and West *treet0 6t as the cool! genero$s feat$res of the
;IA
doorman! Dan! in his elegant attire croned ith a billy'cock hat!
that first dre his attention to this modest eatery0 They bonded
immediately! and it asn2t long before a choice table in the
resta$rant as reg$larly designated! Toad2s0 +e as fast becoming
a Toad abo$t ton0 #nd the e3ercise as doing him the poer of
good0 Derek bestoed his approbation on his employer2s healthy
ne lifestyle to the e3tent of b$ying him a selection of vol$mino$s
dark'h$ed cotton check handkerchiefs ? essential accessories for the
gentleman sn$ff'taker! since they tend to mask his addiction0
Toad was horrified to find out that his snuff taking partner
was involved in such chicanery, Mole and 2ennela had to
restrain hi fro charging off to confront Maraduke and
assure hi that their way was better because then they could
gather evidence on all the plotters to bring this dastardly affair
to light. Toad huphed and huffed and ade noises about
wishing he had brought his 2ather’s old =lunderbuss to 8ondon
but, he reluctantly agreed to keep 0uiet and pretend that he did
not know what was going on.
Freddy2s tail sished as he e3amined his options( it sent one of
+ermione2s caref$lly arranged bo$B$ets crashing to the floor of their
shared bedroom at 1$mber ;>0 )he winced and went to pick up
the poor crushed flowers. +e did not cease to pace hile his
beautiful trophy ife cleared $p the mess0 Theirs as a marriage of
convenience! especially for Freddy since she as the da$ghter of a
:isco$nt0 While on the one hand relieved that R$dyard as
temporarily o$t of the pict$re! the Prime .inister as irked at being
left to deal ith the $nknon B$antity that as 5r$ce! and remained
incandescent abo$t having been peremptorily reB$ested to bring the
f$ll eight of +.G to bear on Cairo on behalf of )i% ' via satellite
from the skies above the .editerranean here the .aster of the
Cniverse as bl$e'toothing from his hirlpool bath0 6t as bad
eno$gh hen he as d$mped on from a great height by the President
of the Cnited *tates! b$t one had to dra the line somehere0 +e
drained his favo$rite m$g of black coffee as he strode into the
dressing room and thre off his B$ilted silk smoking 7acket0
+ermione retrieved it and h$ng the l$3$rio$s garment in its
acc$stomed place ? it had been a Christmas present from her to him!
;ID
and as one hich she cherished0 +e dressed too severely for her
liking.
5r$ce2s 1ike trainers needed some ne laces0 1ormally he
o$ld have sh$ffled by b$t! he had the offshoot of an empire to r$n!
and co$ldn2t afford to come a cropper ' so he set off in search of
some0 +is enB$iries led him ine3orably to -illyhites in Piccadilly
Circ$s! ithin a stone2s thro of Eros0 5$t! immersed in a orld of
leis$re footear! he co$ld not forbear from giving f$ll reign to his
yo$thf$l peccadilloes! and emerged onto a slick and croded
pavement earing a brand ne pair of da44ling Perad$as ? ith
triple maroon go'faster stripes0 *avo$ring the grip and bind of his
ne air'ear soles on the slabs of Piccadilly! 5r$ce2s ga4e as
arrested by the sight of a toothsome yo$ng rabbit dressed from head
to toe in Chanel ' and smelling of little else0 "G2day%& he m$rm$red!
as one lost in a vision0 Fennela! for it as she! rearded his
amoro$s advances ith a startled glance0 #nd then C$pid2s $nerring
arro had its heartless ay0 *omeho their blind footsteps led
them! locked in conversation of the most $nrearding kind! to
Porky2s Pantry! the scene of .ole2s spirit$al revelation on an earlier
occasion0 Ensconced in her banB$ette! Fennela directed her
attention shyly to the laminated men$ hile 5r$ce devo$red her
ith his eyes0 They barely tasted the macaroni cheese they pl$mped
for ' as tho$gh of one mind! and their diet cokes sang thro$gh their
stras0
Fennela felt very strongly that the time as not yet propitio$s to
introd$ce her ne bea$ to -ady Gertr$de( a degree of preparatory
grooming as reB$ired ,the innocent yo$ng doe as not aare of
her catch2s rare good fort$ne/0 Derek sprang immediately to mind0
*he delved into her cl$tch p$rse for her pink .otorola ? a gift from
her mentor0 Derek as hard at it in the herbaceo$s border hen he
received her call( he as am$sed! intrig$ed and gratified ' by her
comm$nication! and promptly set don his hoe! had a good scr$b
and slipped o$t of his overalls before donning a pair of artf$lly
ripped Fior$cci 7eans and a black FCCM T'*hirt ith the slogan!
8What #re <o$ FCCMing -ooking #t92 embla4oned across it in
seB$ins0
Tenty min$tes later he as slipping into Fennela2s banB$ette!
and assessing the ca$se of her discombob$lation thro$gh narroed
;IF
green eyes0 )n the hole he liked the look of hat he sa0 Derek
en7oyed a to$gh challenge! something he co$ld really get his teeth
into! and 5r$ce as the original $ncarved block ? b$t he had lovely
bone str$ct$re0 There as nothing abo$t his skin hich o$ld not
be amenable to vigoro$s e3foliation( no! all in all he as rather a
dish ' b$t his clothes o$ld reB$ire close attention ' altho$gh he did
have the prono$nced advantage of the fashion victim2s nat$rally
depleted physiB$e ? a testament to his love of mood'altering
s$bstances0 +ere as clay that Derek co$ld knead! he co$ldn2t ait
to get his hands dirty! b$t he had Fennela2s best interests to consider0
<o$ng 5r$ce as a mystery rapped $p in a delicio$s enigma0
"What yo$ 8avin mate9& said the yo$ng b$ck! piercing his reverie0
")h anything ith s$ndried tomatoes in it!& replied Derek! holloly0
6t as a bitter'seet moment of tri$mph for the $nder'gardener'
c$m'valet! to have s$ccessf$lly n$rt$red his prot@g@2s charms to the
point of conB$est ' only to be smitten by their s$b7ect himself0
+ardest of all to sallo as the knoledge ' hich he as ise
eno$gh to have long ago accepted! that in life it is fr$itless to attempt
to change the ob7ect of one2s love0 =esides he did have )erge even
he did like to be in bed by ten and up at si6 which grated on
3erek’s ore libertine tendencies.
;IG
Chapter Eighteen
Derek having once established 5r$ce2s bona ,ide), the three of
them strolled back to *aint James2s *B$are together thro$gh the late
spring pell'mell of the city0 Fennela had been reass$red that her
mother o$ld raise no immediate ob7ection ,Derek read the society
col$mns! if his ard did not/0 They ere admitted to the ho$se by
Jaro4lav ? by hich circ$mstance 5r$ce as s$itably impressed0
Ethel2s d$lcet tones co$ld be heard above the din of greeting '
altho$gh she as ell o$t of sight amongst her pots and pans ? the
fragrant balm of a 7oystick lit by her meditative mother as not
altogether s$cceeding in allaying her s$spicions abo$t her
ratato$ille0 +$rrying don the stairs behind a large bron parcel on
the ay to the Post )ffice! the .ole almost collided ith them ' b$t
managed to recover himself 7$st in time0 ")h dear! 6 am so terribly
sorry%& he cried! breathlessly0 Fennela la$ghed the la$gh of an
enchantress as she helped him to retrieve his load0 5r$ce as
s$ff$sed by the conviviality and armth of the establishment0 J$st
then Toad hove into vie from the st$dy! dabbing his streaming eyes
and nose on a vast red and bl$e handkerchief! and ith the *acing
2o)t t$cked $nder his arm0 "6 say!& he e3claimed! "does anyone
ant to chip in for a yankee9&
"P$t me don for a tenner! old bean%& shrieked #bd$l .alik!
sliding don the banisters0 -ady Gertr$de appeared anly at the
top of the stairs0 Derek took charge of the sit$ation0
"This is 5r$ce -aden! everybody!& he anno$nced! "sole
legitimate heir to the )i% fort$ne0& -ady Gertr$de Rabbit sooned0
6t as the noblest thing that Derek had ever done0 When she came'
to -ady Gertr$de fo$nd herself ga4ing $p at a constellation of
an3io$s faces ' b$t amongst them all the lode stars2 as that of
5r$ce0 Fennela as eB$ally taken aback by this t$rn of events b$t!
being by nat$re a selfless and practical creat$re! b$sied herself ith
c$shions and brandy! before pa$sing to reflect on her on
dramatically altered prospects0 *he o$ld not have been h$man if
she had not been a tiny bit thrilled0 -ady Gertr$de made the most
remarkable recovery and soon felt strong eno$gh to give 5r$ce the
complete grand to$r of the premises0 +e as challenged to a game
of tennis by Whadi7a ' ho as in fierce competition ith Fatima
;II
over their service game ' and hen a s$dden shoer moistened the
leaves of the m$lberry tree! they ithdre to the ho$se here Derek
engaged him in a hopeless game of billiards ? since neither really
$nderstood the r$les0 1at$rally! he as pressed to stay for dinner '
hich they anticipated ith a ChYtea$ne$f'd$'Pape 2L='and'soda
beneath the isteria on the still damp terrace! amidst the so$nd of
freshly minted bird song0 "Where do yo$ live! old man9& asked
Toad0 "The Ramada 6nn!& 5r$ce replied0 "Why! e2ve acres of
bedding here! yo$ m$st come and stay ith $s%& e3claimed the ever'
genero$s Toad0 "6t o$ld be B$ite improper for the to yo$ng
personages to live $nder the same roof in their present state%&
e3post$lated -ady Gertr$de0 "What2s rong ith the roof9& asked a
p$44led Toad0 "6 don2t think her ladyship is e3ercised abo$t the
tiles! sir!& said Jaro4lav! topping $p his glass! icily0 "1ah! it2s ell
nice! the 6nn! innit%& said 5r$ce! "cheers anyay! mate%& #t the
dining table! Fennela and 5r$ce sat side by side! B$ite lost to the
$rbane disco$rse floing aro$nd their lovestr$ck ears ' and -ady
Gertr$de2s h$ngry eyes0
When at last 5r$ce tore himself aay from the bosom of Toad2s
establishment to res$me his labo$rs at the remote control! everything
as agreed ' altho$gh nothing had been said0 +e and Fennela ere
no an item0 )nce she had escaped her mother2s enrapt$red pas!
Fennela fle to her diary ' the one ith the heart'shaped clasp on it '
and selected her favo$rite rollerball pen in an attempt to commit her
ine3pressible feelings to paper0 +o the ords floed in a tangled
torrent of seet release0 *he sank back at last $pon her pillos! and
dreamed the eternal dream of yo$ng rabbithood0 For his part! 5r$ce
alked the hole ay home thro$gh the glistening streets in his ne
Perad$as! barely noticing the blisters they ere raising! and made
himself not one! not to! b$t three c$ps of tea ' once he had
negotiated the night porter2s s$spicions0 *$ch as his state of
nat$ral elevation that he fo$nd flas in the prod$ction val$es of
4ra%%ed in a BoB !it& Some Nerd) that he had not hitherto spotted
and hich lent imp$lse to his on creativity! and offered fresh
insights into ho he might best f$lfil his father2s imperative mission
statement ? tho$gh tr$th be knon! the televisation of parliament
as not $ppermost in his mind as he e3ting$ished his bedside lamp
that night0
;IJ
5$t it as $ppermost in Freddy2s0 The Conservative party2s
chief donor had 7$st finalised a messy divorce settlement from his
ife of AF years standing! and she had alked aay ith half a
billion0 The pec$niary idoer as reconsidering his financial
commitments to the orld in general0 #nd orse! their marriage
had been regarded as a model of stability in the orld of high
finance0 The credit cr$nch as beginning to bite the very hand that
fed it0 -ike it or not! the P0.0 as going to have to play ball ith
)i% +e o$ld need to take time over the Whit recess to sort o$t this
mess hich o$ld distract from his co$ntry p$rs$its! he as
conseB$ently ve3ed0 5$t it as the last opport$nity he o$ld get
before the s$mmer break ' and he o$ld need to have all his pieces
in play by then0
-ady Gertr$de deemed it respectable to invite 5r$ce don to
Riverbank to spend a fe days as Toad2s g$est at the +all over the
Whits$n break0 <o$ng -aden had never vent$red beyond -ondon
hile in the Cnited Mingdom! and his ne and profo$nd attachment
to Fennela lent him great alacrity in accepting the invitation ? te3ted
by none other than the Toad ' ho prided himself $pon his mastery
of the predictive mode0 That bank holiday the eather as simply
glorio$s! and the lans rang to the so$nd of croB$et balls slamming
one another into the shr$bbery0 To the chagrin of the Water Rat the
river as alive ith pleas$re craft ? many of them skippered by the
ho$r ? so he spent a good deal of his time ith the rest of them at
Toad2s mansion0 )n a ild imp$lse they thre an open ho$se party
to celebrate nothing in partic$lar ' at hich 5adger as the g$est of
hono$r amongst a host of local orthies ,not least amongst them!
J$dge +orace T$rkey )050E0 and -ady G$inevere! his delectably
porcine ife/0 Do$g had been detained in Florida by some
over4ealo$s 6R* officials! b$t E$stace sB$ired .rs *B$irrel in
person! and a very pretty co$ple they made too ? she very nimble
ith the social niceties! and agog ith Fennela2s felicito$s tidings0
The yo$ng tigers made themselves e3tremely $sef$l ith the field
mice! and the invertebrates kept on top of the tidying $p0 Even
G$stave dropped by to oil the social mi3! and Weasels'on'Wheels
made a onderf$l 7ob of the al ,re)co catering0 #s a himsical
notion intended to el$cidate for 5r$ce the mysteries of English
;IL
c$lt$re! they dined on mince and slices of B$ince ' b$t .ole had to
admit bitter defeat hen it came to googling a reliable local s$pplier
of r$ncible spoons0 +oever! they did s$cceed in dancing some
very lively reels by the light of a silvery moon for hich star'
st$dded event 6nter#ctive reprised their election night set '
a$gmented by some fresh material go$ged from the very so$l of
*leepy ,Joe/ Davis0 # partic$larly plangent n$mber entitled! 86 am
Droning in <o$r *hallos Dear2 red$ced several of the ladies to
tears0 .any of the g$ests stayed on to breakfast( some ere still
ielding their mallets at teatime! a fe stayed on for s$pper and! as
the second moon set! Toad and his immediate circle parted company0
Ratty and .ole sc$lled back don the river ' no mercif$lly free of
day trippers ? to hat remained of a tranB$il night beneath their on
dear eaves! and 5adger l$mbered home contemplatively contented to
his set in the heart of the Wild Wood0
1o 5r$ce fell in love all over again( b$t this time it as ith
Riverbank and the English co$ntryside of hich it constit$ted s$ch a
7eel0 +e determined to find o$t everything he co$ld abo$t it! and
some $nerring instinct invariably led him to speak to J$lian $pon the
s$b7ect0 The manager as sipping a bone china c$p of Earl Grey tea
hen the nascent mog$l act$ally knocked $pon his office door ,s$ch
as Fennela2s civili4ing infl$ence $pon him/0 "This place is ell
icked!& said 5r$ce appreciatively! "hat2s occ$rin2 mate9& J$lian
had dealt ith every calibre of man and never 7$dged by o$tard
sho0 +e as intrig$ed that the -aden empire had been dran into
his sphere of infl$ence! and anted to kno more0 "Wo$ld yo$ care
for a c$p of tea9&
"5linding%& J$lian prod$ced a second c$p from an antiB$e
Chinese medicine cabinet ' a memento from his days in +ong Mong!
and filled it from the Dalton pot hich stood $pon his desk0 "5r$ce
-aden! 6 believe9 6 had the pleas$re of meeting yo$r father d$ring
the Poisoning of Raratonga 6ncident0 1ice chap0&
"6s he9&
"6ndeed0 +o can 6 help yo$9&
"6 anna get a gaffe like this for Fennela and me! innit9&
"6 seeH&
;I=
Poor Derek as don in the d$mps0 +oever! he did belong to
a small b$t e3cl$sive association for $nder'gardener'c$m'valets
called The Recondite Cl$b! and the ann$al ball alays fell at this
time of the year0 6n the past *erg@ had reb$ffed Derek2s invitations
to accompany him to these di44y events b$t ? perhaps beca$se it as
a leap year! or merely in the stars ? this as the year in hich the
$nambig$o$s personal trainer agreed to be his \ ;0 #nd it as at the
bash itself in -ondon2s fashionable *oho that! before the entire ell'
m$scled throng! *erg@ asked Derek for his hand in civil partnership0
What 7oy% What plans% What o$tfits9
6t 7$st so happened that J$lian and Freddy had been at
.arlboro$gh together and! altho$gh their lives had taken s$ch
diverse paths! they occasionally kept in to$ch0 J$lian notched it $p
as a personal favo$r to his friend to apprise him of 5r$ce2s
hereabo$ts and aspirations! in ret$rn for hich advantage J$lian
as promoted a f$ll three r$ngs on the Prime .inisters2 Christmas
card list0 The oblivio$s 5r$ce! meanhile! remained in thrall to
Fennela and the soil from hich she sprang0 *o organic ere the
ties that no bo$nd them! that -ady Gertr$de tho$ght it meet and
proper to mention the little matter of her embarrassment at +arrods ?
and it as taken care of itho$t a seconds2 tho$ght0 #nd no 5r$ce
as the parfait gentil knight in the eyes of to generations of rabbits
' and there as a distinct tinkle in certain eyes0
Toad2s obligations to .armad$ke ca$sed him to c$t short his
so7o$rn at his co$ntry pile and ret$rn to ton ,he as a game don
in the cribbage contest ' and it rankled/0 6n addition! his sn$ff had
proved rather a boon to n$mero$s friends ca$ght short by the
smoking ban! and his stocks ere sadly depleted0 # trip to *miths
as in order! and that meant booking a table at The 6vy ? a pre'
condition hich as all too often reB$ired! even of him0 1at$rally!
the faithf$l .ole accompanied his minister0 These days Toad fo$nd
the train a more congenial ay to travel! so once .ohammed had
dropped them off at Riverbank station! the tiger drove on ahead ? in
as close to breakneck speed as the Priap$s *m$g co$ld manage ? to
meet them off it at Paddington! hich he 7$st barely did ,altho$gh
the effort left cla marks in the recycled steering heel/0
;J>
-ondon ore its cares lightly in early J$ne that year! the
congestion 4one as decongested by the credit cr$nch! and prices
ere t$mbling0 The relative strength of the s$b'*aharan economy
meant a great a$gmentation to the to$rist trade from that region! so
the streets ere colo$rf$l and gay! and echoed to the melodic say
of +igh'-ife m$sic0 )3ford *treet as peopled by stately ladies in
gorgeo$s cloths balancing their bargains $pon their heads as they
sashayed past the Final Red$ctions signs! and cheerf$lly accepted
invitations to dine ith the +are Mrishna evangelists0 Derek as
hell'bent on a s$mmer edding! and had his heart set $pon
celebrating his n$ptials at Covent Garden2s fashionable *t Pa$l2s
ch$rch ? the delightf$l Rector of hich moved ith him in the same
circles0 The Ch$rch of England2s official f$dge on same'se3 $nions
as not the so$rce of $niversal harmony amongst its post'imperial
diaspora that its architects might have hoped for0 There ere minor
reservations! partic$larly amongst some members of the #frican
laity! abo$t the innate godliness of to men lying together in blissf$l
$nion0 Economic circ$mstances being as they ere! this section of
the orld'ide #nglican comm$nity as over'represented in
-ondon2s ch$rches at the time ' hich presented something of a
st$mbling block to Derek2s spirit$al aspirations! b$t the Rector as
as accommodating as he ell co$ld be in seeking to bend the r$les
and! *t0 Pa$ls2 being the spirit$al home of the thespian calling these
ere! in any case! rather la30 *o Derek d$ly got his date0 #nd
thrilled he as% #s the bond beteen 5r$ce and Fennela had been
so galvanic from the instant that they had met! neither yo$ngster had
ever entertained the slightest do$bt that they ished to cons$mmate
their love! b$t s$ch as its nat$re! and their devotion to one another!
and to the higher poer inherent ithin the match! that they ere as
one mind that they o$ld abstain from f$ll knoledge of one
another $ntil after they had e3changed their vos0 #nd so there
seemed no point in aiting since both had achieved their ma7ority!
and -ady Gertr$de placed no obstacles in their path ' and 5r$ce as
not in the habit of sharing intimacies ith his father0 Derek!
therefore! had no diffic$lty in pers$ading Fennela and her betrothed
to commit to a 7oint edding ' hich also made perfect sense vi)5<5
vi) the catering0 With 7$st to months to prepare! *aint James2
*B$are became a fren4y of e3pectation! planning and e3pense0
;J;
Freddy2s plans ere also ell'advanced( they needed to be ith
the s$mmer recess looming so fast0 .cRipper had been s$ccessf$lly
primed ' in person ' over a ee dram of #$ld .$ckrakers2 single
malt0 +e had taken the bait ith evident relish0 The Prime .inister
as grimly satisfied that the rog$e as prepared to be ennobled! so
his Plan 5 as firmly in place ? b$t Freddy alays kept an eye o$t
for the main chance! and Trimble minib$s ,as he alays tho$ght of
J$lian/! had apprised him of some very glad tidings indeed0 1o it
as 7$st a case of aiting for his B$arry to break cover0 The Foreign
)ffice! in the capable hands of *to$rton -ove7oy! as orchestrating
a veritable riddle of the sands for 5en -aden in Egypt! so the big
g$ns of )i% ere tied don0 *to$rton as B$ite the coming man
,and o$ld need to be strategically seated at the a$t$mn conference
in Toer +amlets ? close! b$t not close eno$gh to the throne/0 The
s$n yet anted ten min$tes to set behind the yard'arm ' or Freddy
might have ind$lged in a dry .artini0 +e $nlocked the draer in his
e3pansive! leather'topped desk in hich he kept the draft of his
Great Reform 5ill! and began to add some c$rlic$es to his magn$m
op$s0 Today2s theme as to beE ho to thart C0*0 foreign policy in
the +oly -and ,no in the capable hands of +arvey J0 5l$mB$ist 666
Jnr0/! itho$t being spotted0 *$rely there as a ay to infiltrate
*a$di Wahabi gold into the Jeish #merican -obby9 This e3ercise
absorbed him nicely $ntil! at the appropriate ho$r! he s$mmoned a
refreshment! garnished ith an olive in t$rn st$ffed ith tart
pimento0 Tomorro as another day! and he still had the economy
to consider ? hich frankly asn2t good0 5$t he kne in his bones
that he co$ld rely $pon Digbert ne3t door! to sB$ee4e every last trace
of inflation o$t of the system0 .onetarism had orked in the past0
Toad as becoming interested in defence policy ? and not 7$st
ith respect to cribbage0 .armad$ke as a military analyst
manCu8, and he fiercely resented having his bile confined to
environmental iss$es on the $or Blimey9 6t as a disg$sted
.armad$ke ho informed his cribbage partner over l$nch at The
6vy that there ere more admirals in the Royal 1avy than ships ? a
circ$mstance hich even the Toad perceived to be prepostero$s0
Things ere coming to a pretty pass .armad$ke f$lminated! hen
f$ll commodores ere fighting over a staple g$n hile the
government as throing $p schools and hospitals ten a penny0
;JA
Toad co$ld only agree holeheartedly0 )ver brandy ? and Gaith2s
apricot sn$ff ? .armad$ke e3coriated the percentage of GDP
devoted to the armed services as being inadeB$ate to s$stain a
meaningf$l arms ind$stry ith s$fficient global significance to kick
sand in the face of the French0 Toad confessed himself appalled! and
anno$nced! there and then! that he as going to make it his b$siness
to take the matter $p ith the Prime .inister ' personally0
;JD
Chapter Nineteen
<o$ng 5r$ce -aden as locked in conference ith the
prod$ction staff beB$eathed to him by his father( both of hom ere
from Tamil 1ad$ ? and ith hose lang$age he as holly
inconversant0 Their interloc$tions ere disfl$ent0 Even the tins2
proper names remained a mystery to 5r$ce! so he referred to them
7$dicio$sly as Tim and 5ill0 6n his on mind the concept of
4ra%%ed in 2arliament Wit& Some 2olitician) as painf$lly clear!
b$t it seemed to lose somehat in the translation0 +oever! Tim
and 5ill seemed to int$it the general spirit of the pro7ect! and
embraced it ith g$sto0 #s l$ck o$ld have it! they appeared to
on a co$sin ith a call centre in Pondicherry ho co$ld handle that
end of things ' hich left 5r$ce free to concentrate on the big
pict$re0 The act$al streaming o$ld be dealt ith from -ima by
*hackleton Webb2s mob ,5r$ce gleaned this fact from an e'mail
hich Tim had abo$t him ' hich also informed the stripling that
Triple *pice o$ld be providing the onsite infrastr$ct$re0 The Gate
Reven$e Enco$nters ' as 5en -aden chose to refer to advertising
and merchandising! had been b$ndled to +ogtrapT*calding ? he
co$ld discern his father2s loving hand in the postscript hich read
8Don2t cock this $p2/0 -aden 7$nior2s blood began to race ith the
endorphins of international capitalism ? this as a nat$ral high! he2d
sho the cr$mbly once and for all hat he as made of0 6t B$ickly
became clear that the most effective means of comm$nication ith
his prod$ction staff as by te3t ' since all three of them ere adepts
at this art! so they sat aro$nd 5r$ce2s bed bleeping at each other $ntil
they had a strategy in place! hich once achieved they stored to
*6.0 5y the time that they had completed their c$lt$ral e3changes!
the three of them felt like a post'n$clear digital family0
For some reason 5r$ce had not connected Toad ith the orld
of politics and did not! therefore! apprehend that they ere
irrevocably bent $pon an apocalyptic collision co$rse of interests0
1onetheless! he as very fond of the Toad and greatly en7oyed
going to his ho$se for dinner ' B$ite apart from the e3B$isite delight
of social interco$rse ith his on dear betrothed0 Fennela! for her
part! as in seventh heaven! and the inhabitants of *t James2 *B$are
;JF
co$ld not b$t be infected by her 7oy0 +er c$te little sc$t seemed to
be everyhere at once0 +oever! her impending edlock as
pert$rbing Jaro4lav insofar as it as inflaming Ethel2s omanly
needs ? and those of her mother0 +is ability to reflect calmly $pon
market sentiment as being $ndeniably eroded! and he as by
nat$re a b$ll in a bear market0 -ove had its sad conseB$ences0
"6 say Freddy! old fello!& said the Toad! "62m rather ve3ed
abo$t this problem ith the admirals( e seem to have too many of
them! or not eno$gh boats0 Which is it9&
"Well! it2s half a do4en of one and si3 of the other!& said the fo3
meaningf$lly0 "#nd is that eno$gh9& enB$ired the Toad0 "That all
dependsH&
")n hat e3actly9&
")n the balance of poer0& The Toad took a pinch of sn$ff '
b$t not before offering his monogrammed bo3 to Freddy! ho
politely disdained0 Toad snee4ed and rinkled his bro0 "Do yo$
mean in the orld9&
"6n the ministry of defence0&
"6 don2t B$ite get it! old chap0&
"Wo$ld yo$ like it9&
"#bsol$tely% .e and .armad$ke ill get the hole dashed
b$siness sorted o$t in no time at all% We nearly had it the other day!
b$t e ran o$t of salt and pepper pots at The 6vy ? .armad$ke feels
very strongly that pepper is the key0&
"62m s$re he2s right!& p$rred the Prime .inister! proceeding
smoothly don the corridor0
.ole as not e3actly happy at the nes that Toad as moving
from Environment to Defence ' hich as 7$st an $nimaginative
e$phemism for War! as far as he as concerned! b$t there as no
point in talking to that creat$re once his mind as firmly set $pon
something0 The best poor .ole co$ld hope for as to strive to
divert as many reso$rces as possible into disaster relief! b$t at least
he2d have Welsh affairs ith hich to console himself0 #nd he had
proved in the past ho tr$ly valoro$s he co$ld be! so he as little
da$nted by this fresh challenge0 Despite the pangs of breaking ith
aste'management! his heart as still dedicated to the higher calling
of steering Toad into the $pper echelons of poer ' itho$t too
;JG
m$ch collateral damage0 +is! at least! as a political o$nd ca$sed
by friendly fire! for at this moment in time! the entire orld as
electrified by the shocking nes that 5en -aden had been killed by a
yo$ng gentleman from #l'Paeda! disg$ised as an e3plosive
m$mmy! and delivered to his s$ite at the Ramada 6nn in .emphis!
Egypt0 .6I as briefly pert$rbed0
5r$ce took the nes s$rprisingly calmly0 The fact as that he
as so beitched! bothered and beildered by the ine3orably
advancing edding arrangements that he co$ld scarcely take it on
board! and those commiserations hich he did receive ere
invariably tinged ith congrat$lation ? especially from -ady
Gertr$de0 Witho$t his father2s ise g$idance! his foc$s on the )i%
pro7ect began to slip and! altho$gh he contin$ed to e3change
friendly te3ts ith 5ill and Tim! deadlines ere not being met0
Toad! in his ne capacity as g$arantor of the nations2 sec$rity! took
the event harder0 .armad$ke had some very trenchant vies on
asymmetric arfare! hich he broadly shared! and he relied $pon
)i% for his online betting ? for hich p$rpose he had mastered the
$se of his mo$sepad! ith .ole2s laborio$s and patient help0 +e
as getting $p to A>K better odds online itho$t *lim )dds *am2s
fractional gobbledegooks0 Decimal odds ere a revelation to the
Toad! and he had discovered the $nalloyed thrill of betting 8in play2
' even as one horse s$rged past another and the odds galloped
accordingly0
#s for Freddy! he merely sent *to$rton -ove7oy a case of the
Domaine de la Rh]ne de Compte 2LA! ith his compliments! and got
on ith plans for his s$mmer resh$ffle! and ith polishing his Great
Reform 5ill0 6n addition! he B$ietly crossed .cRipper off his
Christmas card list0
The eeks tripped over one anothers2 heels $ntil s$ddenly the
edding as 7$st a fe days off! and top hats ere being lost in
bo3es0 +arvey J0 5l$mB$ist 666 Jnr0 ' ho as to serve as 5r$ce2s
best man ' had taken time o$t of his b$sy sched$le in the Green
Wone! to fly into -ondon ' here he as staying at the palatial
residence of the C0*0 ambassador! a long'term friend of the President
b$t ith only a limited command of the English lang$age! being
;JI
+aitian by birth0 The floers ere being taken care of by The Wild
5$nch of *even Dials! the e3cl$sive rights to the edding of the
season had been skilf$lly arbitraged by -ady Gertr$de to Not too
Bad, 4&an- Gou maga4ine0 They decided to hold the reception in *t
James2s *B$are ,hich o$ld allo Derek to sho off his
decorative flair to the %a%ara66i/0 Ethel as s$pervising the catering
ith help from Whadi7a ? Fatima had 7$st given birth to little
Mhalid! and 5r$ce had arranged for a stretch limo to collect his
mother from .ayfair0 Everything as in place for the perfect
edding! and Derek and *erg@ had invited simply everyone"
Fennela insisted that 6nter#ctive provide the m$sic ' since they had
already inspired the score to her personal romantic odyssey0 #nd
then! on the very eve of the n$ptials! Ethel anno$nced that she as
ith child ' hich placed Jaro4lav in a delicate position0 With some
trepidation he decided to e3ercise his p$t option on her hand in
marriage! and no even :enetia as satisfied0
The splendid 6nigo Jones ch$rch as crammed ith ell'
ishers from every strata of society0 Even Ratty and 5adger had
been goaded into attendance by the arrival of an implacable 5engal
Tiger in a Priap$s *m$g on their doorsteps! and they occ$pied a pe
near the front ne3t to the Prime .inister ,the s$mmer resh$ffle as
aaited ith shock and ae by members of the Tory front bench/0
-ady Gertr$de o$ldn2t hear of *ir Dave being s$mmoned from
.arbella to lead his da$ghter don the aisle! so Toad stood in0 #nd
a vision of loveliness Fennela as in lilac silk and lace! ith a train
eighing B$ite a lot ' as far as the field mice ho bore it ere
concerned0 Derek and *erg@ ore matching black frockcoats ith
leopard skin aistcoats ' hich ca$sed B$ite a stir ? especially
amongst the tigers0 #nd once the Rector as happy that they had all
been thoro$ghly blessed! the party repaired to *t James2 *B$are
here *leepy ,Joe/ Davies as already enlivening the air beneath
the m$lberry tree ith his ha$nting melodies0 #nd after the first
dance it as Ethel ho managed to grasp the bride2s tossed bo$B$et
in the scrimmage0
6t as the best selling iss$e of Not too Bad 4&an-you maga4ine
that season0 #fter the edding party the nelyeds slipped aay(
Derek and *erg@ for a snorkelling holiday on .ykonos! hile the
;JJ
ne .r and .rs -aden decided to skip their honeymoon and go
straight home to the brand ne Georgian stately home that J$lian
had bo$ght for them ? at the bottom of the market from Do$g ? in
Riverbank( a home hich 5r$ce as pleased to name D$n Te3tin20
6nstead! ith Ratty2s active enco$ragement! he immersed himself in
boats and! partly ith the labo$r of his on hands! b$ilt a very fine
boatho$se at the end of the garden! complete ith a veranda for
entertaining ? and a barbec$e0 The Water Rat advised him on the
p$rchase of a charming little gaff'rigged 1orfolk c$tter in the classic
mo$ld! and together they o$ld take the bends in high style ith
.oley at the r$dder and Toad cheering them on0 Fennela o$ld
l$3$riate amidst the stern c$shions ith her ears encased in a Dior
scarf to stop the ind from filling them ith the songs of f$rther
advent$res ' for she had nothing more to crave from life0
#t the *tate )pening of Parliament that a$t$mn! the centre'piece
of the Governments2 legislative programme as a 5ill to introd$ce
some minor modifications to the constit$tional arrangements
pertaining beteen the constit$ent parts of the Cnited Mingdom! and
res$lting changes governing relations beteen said parts and the
E$ropean Cnion ' hich +er .a7esty delivered in her impeccable
monotone! and hich d$ly sailed thro$gh committee0 Freddy placed
Toad at his side on the front bench! and let it be knon that he had
chosen him to be his heir apparent ? 7$st to give the <o$ng T$rks
pa$se for tho$ght0
The EnD
;JL
With grateful thanks to the immortal Kenneth Grahame0
0theindinestminster0com