The Wing Man

The Wing Man
Written by JAMES LIU & WAQAR MANZUR
Contact Information: James Liu [email protected] 301-377-4485 Waqar Manzur [email protected] 240-505-1711

We hear the sound of BIRDS CHIRPING. We see scenes of CROWDED metro stations and SHARP dressed businessmen and women on their way to work. PAN OVER to different views of the Monument, Capitol Hill, Pennsylvania Ave. This is WASHINGTON D.C. It happens to be a GORGEOUS summer day. A young clean-cut ASIAN male toting a black laptop bag, age 24, is walking to work. He receives a TEXT on his iPhone.. From CHAD: “Fucking GREAT time last night!”- He smiles.. Then turns over to a bush and begins PUKING. Yes.. The morning after a long night of partying. INT. OFFICE CUBICLE -- DAY From behind, we see the same Asian male at a DRY office cubicle, on his work laptop. There’s an e-mail from his friend CHAD (From: [email protected] Subject: Better Job Opportunities For You). Curious, he clicks on a link entitled “Global I.T. Positions”... taking him to: MEATSPIN.COM, A cock twirling round and round sitting on another cock to the tune of “You Spin Me Around” ASIAN MALE No no no! He tries to click out of the browser... COMPUTER IS FROZEN! A beautiful blonde co-worker, 20s, walks over to socialize. CO-WORKER Hey Lance! ASIAN MALE (startled, turns around) Amanda!! Heyy... AMANDA Did you have a good w.. (noticing screen) Ehm... I’ll come back later. (walks away) His BOSS walks behind him, Mr. Epstein, a man well into his late 40s that thinks he is still one of the “boys”. MR. EPSTEIN Lance.. You Asian cock sucker, did you prepare those documents for-(noticing screen) What the hell is this?

2.

LANCE (trying to hide the screen) Uh uh.. It’s not what it looks like sir! MR. EPSTEIN Listen I don’t care about your porno preferences. Meeting in the meeting room.. 15 minutes. LANCE Yes sir. MR. EPSTEIN walks away as Lance buries his head into his hands in shame. EXT. FRONT OF WORK BUILDING -- DAY LANCE (on the phone) You idiot! I could lose my job for that! INT. PRIVATE OFFICE -- DAY We see a NICELY FURNISHED, CLEAN private office well organized with supplies. Behind the desk with his feet on the table sits CHAD BRENNAN, 24, a white male clad in sandals, Tshirt and shorts. CHAD Dude. Relax! Nobody keeps tabs on those things... Hey. Last night was a great success! CUT back and forth between each character: LANCE It was amazing. I guess we underestimated Thursday nights. CHAD But we didn’t underestimate ourselves. You’re getting good man, I saw you pulling a few numbers. LANCE I learn from the best.

3.

CHAD Make you sure follow up mofo... But TONIGHT.. Is going to be EPIC. TWINS night at Nitrogen, it just opened up. LANCE But we don’t look alike. CHAD We will. I’ll just close my eyes and chop a few inches off my dick. LANCE And somehow make your genital warts disappear? CHAD (laughing) Seriously. Tonight’s gonna be money. Win-WIN situation. We’ll start the night off with jager bombs. LANCE (disgusted) Please don’t mention jager. CHAD Lightweight. LANCE And we can’t take any girls back to my place either. CHAD Why? LANCE Jenny just got back from her open house. Plus she’s still kinda pissed about you leaving that used condom in the kitty litter. CHAD I thought you were going to dump her. LANCE I’m working on it.

4.

CHAD (looking at watch) Hey I got a court case in half an hour. Gotta get dressed. LANCE Alright talk to you later. EXT. FRONT OF WORK BUILDING -- DAY Lance hangs up, walks back inside his large corporate building, titled “C.E.I. Solutions” INT. COURTHOUSE -- DAY Chad, now dressed in a FANCY SUIT, stands in front of the judge. A YOUNG, COLLEGE aged boy sits behind him. CHAD Your honor. When my client was pulled over, the officer found him in the PASSENGER’s seat... not the DRIVER’S seat... thereby rendering his Breathalyzer results ERRONEOUS, FALSIFIABLE, and merely HYPOTHETICAL. A fat officer on the prosecutor’s side STANDS UP. OFFICER He was passed out across both seats! CHAD Not according to several eyewitness testimonies in front of 711. (slamming documents down) I have FOUR written statements here claiming that my client was sitting upright in the PASSENGER’s side the exact moment he was pulled over. All of these witnesses claimed to have seen the ACTUAL driver run out the car into the 7-11 for taquitos. OFFICER That’s bullshit! The JUDGE, female, TOUGH looking.. SLAMS the gavel down.

5.

JUDGE Okay I’ve heard enough! Officer Burgess, since you failed to provide any solid evidence to contradict Mr. Brennan’s defense, I’m going to have to find his client innocent. Chad’s client is SHOCKED. The officer, FURIOUS, begins to throw a fit. OFFICER I can’t fucking believe this shit! Fuck the law! I should have went to culinary school instead! Fuck this shit! 2 HUGE security guards restrain him and escort him out. CHAD (turning over and shaking his client’s hand) All in a day’s work my friend. Now it’s time to party. INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- DAY Lance, looking BEAT, opens the door to his place. It’s a MESS. He drops his laptop bag down and begins to loosen his collar. THEN, a petite, pretty Asian girl walks over. JENNY So you’re going out again... tonight... when you promised we would spend time together... LANCE Jenny.. Please. JENNY You’re a lying bastard. LANCE Listen, I’ve had a long day at work. I told you 3 months ago I didn’t want to be with you anymore! JENNY Oh yeah? Because THAT’S NOT WHAT I REMEMBER!

6.

LANCE Okay then.. For the last and FINAL time. We are done! No relationship! You can stay here with me if you want since you’re moving in a month anyways. She looks him deep in the eyes, ANGER BUILDING up. A little orange cat walks by and brushes up against Lance’s leg. LANCE (CONT’D) (petting) Hey little buddy. JENNY (yelling) Don’t fucking touch my cat! CUT TO: EXT. NITROGEN NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT There is a LONG line to get in, complete with the typical club-going crowd mixed with a couple female-male identical TWINS. Chad and Lance, now dressed to party, stand in the middle of the line. LANCE I don’t know if I can take another month of this man. CHAD Why? LANCE Everytime I come home, it’s like verbal warfare. I feel like Leonidas fighting off an army of evil Persians, except the other 299 Spartans don’t have my back. CHAD Man stop being such a pussy. Kick her out. LANCE I can’t man. She has no where to go. We only have 3 months left on our lease.

7.

CHAD Then just pretend like you love her, get as many bangs in during this one month as you can, then tell her on the last day it’s not workin’. LANCE You give the worst advice. CHAD Whatever! I need your head in the game tonight. Take a look around. They scope the line out. CHAD (CONT’D) HOT, GORGEOUS women just waiting to get nailed tonight. SISTERS. You and me let’s do this. It’s all about what comes out of here. (pointing at his mouth) LANCE Okay you’re right. Don’t worry man. I’m focused! I’ll wing it for you tonight. CHAD (excited) That’s what I’m talkin’ about baby! MOMENTS pass... they’ve only moved up the line a little bit. LANCE Fucking long ass line. I told you to put us down on the guest list. CHAD Hold on.. (gets out of line) Follow me. LANCE Hey! What are you doing? Lance looks around and follows his friend, who walks up to the bouncer. CHAD Hey we’re VIP tonight. BOUNCER IDs please.

8.

He checks Chad’s ID first, lets him pass. Then checks Lance’s. BOUNCER (CONT’D) Is this you? LANCE Uh yeah. BOUNCER Date of birth? LANCE September 24 1985. BOUNCER Name? LANCE Lance Dong. BOUNCER That’s not what it says here... Chad looks at his buddy, CONFUSED. LANCE (to bouncer) My actual first name is Long. BOUNCER (chuckles) Alright you good man. They PASS by. CHAD You never told me you had a real first name! LANCE (ticked off) Well I do. CHAD We’ve known eachother since college man! (pauses and thinks) Wait.. so your real name is Long Dong. LANCE Yes, now can you shut up about it? I’m Lance now.

9.

Chad BURSTS out in laughter. LANCE (CONT’D) Are you done? CHAD LONG DONG! (laughs) I would have just stuck with that! LANCE Why? CHAD Because you chose to name yourself after a gay Backstreet Boy instead. EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE, NITROGEN -- NIGHT The boys arrive to the front door, SMOKING HOT lady at the door with a clipboard of names. LADY Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to NITROGEN. May I get your names please? Lance looks at Chad as if they are shit out of luck. CHAD (noticing huge wedding ring) First off. What is your name if you don’t mine me asking. JESSICA My name’s Jessica. CHAD Jessica, congratulations on your marriage. How is that working out for you? JESSICA I just got engaged last week. CHAD Well that’s fantastic! I’m very happy for you. It’s so tough to find true love in today’s society. That’s why me and my buddy here go out to clubs every week.. (MORE)

10. CHAD (CONT'D) Hoping to find a lovely woman such as yourself to keep us honest.

LANCE It’s been a bumpy road. JESSICA (visibly flattered) Aw well thank you. CHAD Might I add, the L’air du temps fragrance you have on by Nina Ricci is just intoxicating. JESSICA (astonished) How did you know that? CHAD My mother, bless her soul, used to put that on everyday before she passed away. It was a subtle, but sensuous scent for the evening time. (short pause) Oh you wanted our names, I’m sorry. JESSICA Oh no no it’s okay. You guys just go on ahead. CHAD (pulling out wallet) Here let me get the cover. JESSICA That won’t be needed either. CHAD Jessica. You have been a revelation. (kisses her on the cheek) To many years of a successful marriage. JESSICA Thank you. I hope you guys have an amazing time. LANCE (hugging her) Thank you so much!

11.

INT. NITROGEN NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT They enter the club. Music is PUMPING. A HUGE, TRENDY club with flashing green neon lights, MIST, and a WATER FOUNTAIN in the middle. CHAD Whoaa! This is niceee! LANCE (dapping Chad) You are a slick devil! CHAD I know! LANCE And your mom’s still alive, asshole. CHAD I know that too! LANCE (raising voice) I hate how in the movies, the characters can talk in nightclubs like it’s nothing at all. CHAD But in real life you can’t hear shit. Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” comes on. CHAD (CONT’D) I love this song! LANCE It’s still her best song in my opinion. CHAD Yeah, ever since TMZ found out she had a penis her music got really weird. LANCE Hey we’re both sober as ducks. Let’s get some shots. CHAD Let’s get some CAR BOMBS.

12.

LANCE Hell yeah let’s do it! CUT TO: The boys POUND car bomb after car bomb after car bomb. Now with drinks in hand at the bar, they are feeling GOOD. LANCE (CONT’D) (drunk) C and L! All the girls need some C & L! CHAD They also need LONG DONG! LANCE No lady shall go malnourished tonight! We see 3 TANNED guys, hair gelled, X-Small graphic tees. FIST PUMPING. LANCE (CONT’D) What the hell is that? CHAD I think they’re punching something.. Like an invisible bouncer! Or celebrating the fact that they like boys! LANCE I guess it’s a new thing to do at clubs for people who can’t dance. Like the Soldier Boy, remember? CHAD Oh yeah! A trio of GORGEOUS young girls walk past them, exchanging glances and flirtatious smiles. CHAD (CONT’D) You ready? You feel good? LANCE Yes sir! CHAD There’s nothing like a little liquid courage.

13.

LANCE Yes but not too much to the point where you are incoherent. Right now we are at a perfect level. CHAD (grabs Lance, spins him around) THAT group right there. He points to a group of 4 girls. One slightly unnattractive, FAT chick, One hot, but conservatively dressed chick, and 2 hot, slutty babes. CHAD (CONT’D) The one all the way to the left (pointing to the fat one) THAT’s the DUFF. LANCE The what? CHAD DUFF. The Designated Ugly Fat Friend. EVERY group of hot girls has at least one. You, my friend, are going to be the DUFFF (putting extra emphasis on the F) Tonight. LANCE I’m not a Duff! CHAD The Designated Ugly Fat Friend Fucker. LANCE Wait a second. LAST night, I was the one talking to the fat chicks for you. So YOU’RE the DUFFF tonight man. CHAD Ah shit! You’re right. Fine. LANCE (pointing to the conservative one) What about the one all the way to the right? That’s the “MOTHER HEN” of the group.

14.

CHAD You think so? LANCE Not showing too much skin, arms are folded, AND she seems to have her eye on everyone. 2 other RANDOM GUYS approach the group of girls, and the “Mother Hen” whisks them away aggressively. CHAD My God man! You’re right. One of the most difficult breed of cock blocks to defeat. LANCE I can work with the fat chicks. But only a seasoned veteran like you can overcome the Mother Hen. CHAD Well tonight.. I want YOU to do it. LANCE Let’s switch man. CHAD Nope, I want you to give it a shot. LANCE (taking a deep breath) Okay fine. Let’s rock. They guys, in a CALM and UNSUSPECTING manner, walk up to the girls. First, we see Chad approach the Duff. CHAD Hey! You ladies havin’ a good time? LANCE approaches the Mother Hen, who notices Chad talking to the other girls. MOTHER HEN (to Chad) Excuse me. Lance casually places a hand on her arm. LANCE Hey. Let me apologize if we interrupted you guys like that. I’m Lance, that’s my buddy Chad.

15.

CHAD (acknowledging) ‘Sup? LANCE We’re kinda new to the D.C. area. We’re from the West Coast and don’t really know anybody here. We could use some good conversation and drinks with a chill group of girls. CHAD (to Duff) Oh my God. Is that a Fuzzy Navel? DUFF It sure is. CHAD May I have a sip? DUFF (hands him her drink) Sure! CHAD (sipping) Mmmm.. It’s good. And fruity. (noticing the DUFF’s innaproppriately skimpy outfit) By the way, I dig your outfit. If my mother were still alive today, I guarantee you she would be rockin’ that dress everywhere. She giggles as he hands her back her drink. HOT GIRL # 1 It’s nice to meet you guys! I’m Mandy! HOT GIRL # 2 I’m Vicki! The DUFF stares deeply at Chad.. Forgetting to introduce herself. Mandy lightly smacks her. DUFF Oh! I’m Leah. MOTHER HEN And I’m Samantha... So are you boys buyin’ the first round?

16.

LANCE (looking across at Chad) We would love to. Lance signals for the girls to walk ahead of them. They PROCEED. From Mandy’s tight jeans, the boys spot the tip of her thin G-STRING exposed. She turns back and winks. CHAD (high fiving) Did you see that?! LANCE Spectacular. CHAD The cock blocks have welcomed us into their sacred kingdom of fruit! At the BAR, we see the guys and the 4 girls pounding SHOTS. We cut to the group dancing the night away and goofing off on the dance floor. Now back at the bar, MORE shots! Everybody is WASTED- LANCE is getting awfully close to Vicki, and is now conversating with her and Samantha (Mother Hen) with her obvious approval. Chad stands next to Mandy. CHAD (CONT’D) (drunk) Mandy! Tell me more about yourself. MANDY Well ILEAH (interrupting from behind) Mandy and I are roomates! We went to school together too. She’s my BFF. CHAD What do you do for a living, Mandy? MANDY I’m aLEAH (again interrupting) She’s a Dental Assistant! She’s trying to help me find a position with her!

17.

CHAD (angered) Excuse me for a second. CHAD begins walking over to his buddy Lance and the other 2 girls. CHAD (CONT’D) (in Lance’s ear) The fucking fatty is starting to piss me off. LANCE (drunk) Huh?? CHAD I SAID ‘Weight Watchers’ over there is messin’ my game up man! My buzz is wearing off too. LANCE (drunk) I’m having an awesome time too! Thanks! Chad turns away, FRUSTRATED. At that moment, he KNOCKS OVER someone’s drink all over the floor. The group notices and begins to feel his embarrassment. It happens to be a GORGEOUS young, brunette girl along with a slightly more unnattractive, HEAVY female. GIRL You spilled my drink there buddy! CHAD (blown away by her looks) I-I (rubs his temple) Sorry I’m a little out of it... I’m so sorry about that.... Here.. let me get you another one. What were you drinking? GIRL Captain and Coke. Chad turns away to face the bar.

18.

GIRL (CONT’D) (tapping him) Actually you know what, don’t worry about it. I’m driving anyways and the drinks here are like an arm and a leg. CHAD Are you sure?? GIRL Yeah it’s cool. You didn’t mean to do it anyways. CHAD (to her friend) I want the name and number of the laboratory that created the only cool girl in D.C. The girl begins to giggle. THEN, LEAH walks on over. LEAH Hey what’s going on here? GIRL Oh nothing, your friend just knocked my drink over. LEAH Well.. I’m sure he didn’t mean to do it. GIRL Uh.. No he didn’t. CHAD (ignoring Leah) Please excuse her. I’m Chad. (extending hand) GIRL (smiling) I’m Christine. GIRL 2 I’m Kristina. CHRISTINE We may not seem like it, but we’re actually twins.

19.

CHAD (confused) Really? KRISTINA Yeah, I was born with a Thyroid problem. LEAH Oh I’m sure you really were. So you CAN’T ADMIT that you’re a little bigger than other girls. You have to make an excuse to everyone because you’re ASHAMED? KRISTINA Um that’s the truth so what the hell is your problem you FAT BITCH? CHAD Whoa whoa whoa! Ladies! Ladies! Let’s relax here! (turning back to Leah) Leah it was nice meeting you, I think you should go order a water. Take care of my buddy Lance over there. (turning back around to the sisters) Listen Christine I know you don’t want me to get you another drink but I feel really bad. I’m usually not that clumsy. I’d like to take you out for dinner sometime to make up for it. CHRISTINE Aw you really don’t have to. CHAD It’s now a priority for me. CHRISTINE (thinking) Okay! You seem nice. Here take down my number. We quickly cut to LEAH at the bar. LEAH 1 Bud Light and 2 Absinthes and tonics please. Now back to Chad with his phone pulled out.

20.

CHRISTINE 202.571... CRACK. A Bud Light bottle is SMASHED onto Chad’s head, breaking into pieces. He FALLS down, UNCONSCIOUS. The girls SCREAM. We see Lance LAUGHING, unable to process thoughts very well right now. Leah quickly pours the 2 Absinthes and Tonics over Chad’s body and STRIKES a MATCH. Dropping it on his back and setting him on FIRE! CLUBGOERS begin to go nuts and start running away in fear! LEAH YOU COULD HAVE HAD AN ENTREE AND DESSERT. INSTEAD YOU ONLY GOT AN APPETIZER! Mandy, Vicki, and Samantha.. HORRIFIED, quickly grab Leah and walk away. Christine FRANTICALLY looks around for water, an extinguisher.. ANYTHING! CHRISTINE Oh my God! Water water I need water! LANCE (now understanding) CHADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!! He takes off his SHIRT and stupidly tries to pat the fire away. The shirt is now engulfed in FLAMES! KRISTINA (pointing to the giant fountain) Get him there!! Lance PICKS Chad up and puts him over his shoulder- his BACK still on fire. In SLOW MOTION, Lance runs to the fountain, mouth open letting out a HEROIC SHOUT. FINALLY, he gets to the fountain and CANNON BALLS in, submerging both of them and extinguishing the flames. VAPOR rises over the water. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY CHAD, dressed in white hospital attire, lays face down on a bed, head and back bandaged. ZOOM into his face as he opens his eyes:

21.

CHAD Where the hell am I? (trying to get up) Motherfuckeerrrrr! AHHH!!! LANCE bursts into the room. LANCE Are you okay man?? You’re finally up! CHAD What the hell happened last night?! I feel like Satan just pissed on me! LANCE Dude stay still... That fat chick from last night, Leah... she set you on fire dude. CHAD She did what?! LANCE First, she cracked your head open with a beer bottle. Poured highly flammable alcohol on your back. And literally turned you into a kabob. CHAD (groaning) Fuck my life. LANCE Don’t worry though. The cops found her at a Wendy’s drive-thru passed out. They arrested her. CHAD Good. I’m gonna fucking prosecute that bitch myself... to the fullest extent of the law! I’ll do this one pro bono too. LANCE Yeah.. Sorry I got here a little late though, I was mad hungover from last night. CHAD What a friend you are.

22.

LANCE Shut the hell up, dude. I was the one that saved your ass. CHAD (recalling) I remember meeting a girl... Christine. (planting face in pillow) An opportunity ruined.. LANCE Actually, she came to visit you this morning. CHAD (turning head around) Ow! Wait.. What? LANCE Yeah, she came with her sister. They got here before I did. But you were all drugged up so they left. She wanted me to give you this note though. Lance hands him a yellow Post-It. On it, it reads: “Chad, I’m so so very sorry about what happened last night. When you get better, let’s hang out.” On the bottom, it says “Christine” with her full number written. CHAD (raising his fist) Yes!!! Someone swings open the door.. It’s a young, Pakistani DOCTOR with a clipboard in his hand, who walks next to the bed. DOCTOR Chad, good morning. My name’s doctor Manzur. (dropping clipboard on his bandaged back) CHAD OWWWWWWWWWW!!!! DR. MANZUR (picking it up) I’m so sorry about that!

23.

CHAD Come on man! DR. MANZUR My apologies.. So it looks like you suffered some second degree burns on your back. In my opinion you are very lucky. That thick linen dress shirt you had on really saved your life there. CHAD It hurts so bad. DR. MANZUR On a scale of 1-10? CHAD. Um... 8.5. DR. MANZUR What about the girl you met? CHAD What? DR. MANZUR On a scale of 1-10, how hot was the girl you met? CHAD Uh... 9? DR. MANZUR Then it was worth the pain. CHAD (turning head) Where in the hell did you get that terminology? DR. MANZUR I’m a Harvard Medical School educated doctor. So I think I know what I’m talking about here. Little prick. CHAD Oh yeah? Well I’m a lawyer and I can sue you for being a jackass. People do that nowadays.

24.

DR. MANZUR (kneels down and speaking into his ear) Is that gonna be for before or after I involuntarily took a stool sample this morning from your little asshole? Chad looks at him, PERPLEXED, and has no words to utter. DR. MANZUR (CONT’D) Oh I’m so sorry. Excuse me, I almost forgot this. (begins writing a prescription) You will need these prescriptions for your burns. Rub the ointment on once in the morning, and once in the evening. (placing the prescription on his pillow) Oh, and here is a $25 rebate for your medication. (placing a coupon on his pillow) Chad, I hope you get better soon. Good luck on your date. Dr. MANZUR turns around. DR. MANZUR (CONT’D) Have a good day, Lance. He WALKS out the room. INT. LANCE’S CAR -- DAY The boys sit in Lance’s car. CHAD, somber as ever, stares out the window. LANCE (driving) Hey what’s the matter with you, man? CHAD I can’t do this anymore. LANCE Do what?

25.

CHAD This. Partying. Getting wasted. It’s not fun anymore. LANCE It was one freak accident. And now you’re turning weird. CHAD Come on look at us. We’re not 21 anymore. We both have responsibilities.. Important jobs.. LANCE If the Chad from 2 days ago heard you talking like this now, he would bitch slap the shit out of you. CHAD Fuck that. And I don’t know what’s wrong with you, you need to change too. LANCE What do you mean? CHAD You got a nice girl at home, Jenny. Sure she has a bit of crazy side to her. But maybe because you neglect her. And loves you. man. a that’s she

LANCE Hey Chad. When what’s her face.. Uh Leah.. When she set you fire, are you sure it was only the skin on your back that was burned off? CHAD Shut up man. LANCE You’re just a little traumatized right now, it’s totally understandable. CHAD No, I don’t think so. It’s permanent. LANCE By the middle of the week, you will be the old heroic Chad again. (MORE)

26. LANCE (CONT'D) And you will ask me to come party with you on the weekend. Guarantee it. People don’t grow up over night.

CHAD I think I hit puberty overnight. LANCE I think you developed feelings for guys overnight. CUT TO: EXT. FRONT OF CHAD’S APARTMENT -- DAY Chad steps out of Lance’s car. CHAD Thanks for the ride, man. LANCE No problem. Hey, call that girl! CHAD I will. He shuts the passenger door and walks into his building. INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- DAY Lance enters his place, now SUDDENLY clean. The orange cat walks by again, brushes his leg, and receives a pat from Lance. Something seems EERIE. It’s QUIET. Lance begins to look around his place. No one is here. He notices half of Jenny’s belongings missing. Puzzled- he sits down on the couch and flips on the T.V. The “SHAKE WEIGHT’ commercial comes on. Lance keeps watching, awkwardly turned on. And thenThe DOOR swings open. It’s Jenny! Followed by her chick friend, Crystal. Lance begins to fumble the remote. JENNY (rolls eyes) Ugh. You’re such a disgusting person. LANCE It’s good to see you, too Jenny.

27.

She rolls her eyes. LANCE (CONT’D) Hey Crystal. What’s up. CRYSTAL. (cold) Hey. The girls walk into a room, out of Lance’s view. Jenny comes out with a box in her arms. LANCE What’s going on here? Are you moving out? JENNY Yep. LANCE Why? JENNY Why? (raising voice) WHY???? LANCE That’s what I said. JENNY We’ve been together for 3 YEARS! Sure you were sweet and loving at first but suddenly you turned into a complete DICK. LANCE I did? JENNY YEAH. YOU DID. It’s like why move in with me if you’re gonna treat me like shit? LANCE Uh. I moved in with you when things were going good. CRYSTAL This is the thing I hate about boys. They will play with your emotions and feed you lovey dovey bullshit to get what they want.

28.

LANCE Excuse me. I’ve been with this girl for a while now. I don’t think my intent is to string her along. JENNY Don’t talk to my friend like that. LANCE Like what? JENNY Like a jerk! LANCE I’m not. JENNY You know Lance. I don’t know when you stopped caring. (turning to friend) He’s been going out EVERY weekend with that manwhore friend of his meeting women. CRYSTAL (shocked) Girl I’m so sorry. I feel your pain. LANCE No. You feel your herpes flaring up. At that moment, Jenny walks over to Lance. She SLAPS him across the face. HARD. LANCE (CONT’D) (holding face) What the hell was that for?? JENNY Jackass! Dick! Jerk! Asshole! All the bad names in the world! LANCE Real mature. JENNY (to Crystal) You see what I have to deal with?

29.

CRYSTAL Forget packing right now. Let’s go get some Sushi. JENNY Good idea. The girls walk out the door, Jenny last. She gives Lance an angry glance and slams the door shut. INT. CHAD’S APARTMENT -- DAY Chad, neat apartment, walks over to his bed with a glass of water in his left hand and his right hand on his back, still tender. He places the water on his desk and PLOPS on the bed belly down. He sighs and pulls out the yellow Post-It from his pocket. CHAD (to self) Christine. He pulls out his cell phone and begins dialing. EXT. PATIO, RANDOM RESTAURANT -- DAY It is a sunny day. We see Christine having lunch with friends outside on the patio. Her cell rings- picks it up. CHRISTINE Hello? Cut back to Chad: CHAD Hey is this Christine? Cut back and forth between each character: CHRISTINE Yeah this is her. CHAD Hey how are you? This is Chad. Instantly. She covers her phone with her hand to muff the volume. Then hand gestures to her phone while her friends look on. CHRISTINE (mouthing) It’s him! (MORE)

30. CHRISTINE (CONT'D) (to Chad) Oh heyy. I’m good. Feeling better? That woman was a complete psycho.

CHAD It still stings a little but I think I’m feeling better. Listen I wanted to thank you for visiting me at the hospital. That was very heartwarming. CHRISTINE Oh it’s no problem! I was just checking up on you to see if you were okay and all. You were completely knocked out though. CHAD Yeah but I’m doing well at the moment. Hey I was wondering.. If you’re not doing anything this Thursday, I would love to take you out. Maybe get a bite to eat or something. CHRISTINE Are you sure you can leave the house that soon? CHAD Yeah I’ll be fine. CHRISTINE Lemme think. Thursday Thursday do I have anything planned? ZOOM on friends waving and mouthing “No!” CHAD Or another day maybe. CHRISTINE No. Actually Thursday I’m free. So yes, I would like to go out with you that day. CHAD Awesome. Meet me at Lauriol Plaza. Downtown D.C. Say at um.. 7:30? CHRISTINE (excited) K. 7:30. Sounds perfect.

31.

CHAD All right I will see you there. CHRISTINE Great take care! CHAD You too. Bye. Back to the girls on the patio squealing in delight. CUT TO: INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- DAY LANCE, sitting on his couch still, is seen on the phone. Split screen of him and CHAD (still at his place) on the phone: LANCE Dinner? Dinner?? Seriously? CHAD I know, I know. I usually... LANCE Invite girls to your place for (finger quote) “DVDs and wine”. CHAD Yeah.. But there’s something different about this one. I can tell. She’s not like the other skanks I meet. LANCE Because she didn’t make you buy her a drink? CHAD Let me put it to you this way.. Say you’re having a nice steak at Ruth’s Chris.. Like a Ribeye.. LANCE Yeah?.. CHAD You’re not going to want to dig right into it and crush it. (MORE)

32. CHAD (CONT'D) Nor would you want to slather A1 sauce over it. You wanna take your time with it and savor it.

LANCE Why? CHAD Because it’s a top-notch, quality piece of meat... Whereas if you’re chowing down on a fucking steak at T.G.I. Friday’s or something.. Yeah go ahead punish it. Dump Jack Daniels on it, drown the taste out. Who cares right? LANCE Oh ok, another analogy would be like.. When serial killers abduct a girl they really like... then he will take her time torturing and sodomizing her... whereas if she was just like any other victim.. He would just kill her. CHAD You’re an idiot. LANCE Well dude I am happy for you. I hope all goes well for you and you guys have an awesome awesome time. CHAD Seriously? LANCE Yeah man, you’re my boy. As long as you still hang out with me. CHAD Lance Dong, you are my Asian patna fo’ life. LANCE Cool. Hey I gotta go prepare for my client presentation on Monday. Sucks. CHAD Alright man I’ll let you get to it.

33.

LANCE Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Jenny moved out. CHAD Get the hell outta here. LANCE Seriously! She packed her shit and left. CHAD Fuck. Well good for you man! Bachelor paadddd. LANCE Haha I know, right? Well hey... Keep the streak alive! CHAD What streak? LANCE Forty and O! CHAD Oh yeah, banging on the first date. Yeah yeah I will ride that hot streak baby. LANCE Alright man, later. The boys hang up. Back to their normal lives. INT. MEETING ROOM, C.E.I. SOLUTIONS -- DAY Monday morning... this is a typical, BLAND corporate meeting room with white walls. We see a long, white and black rectangular table surrounded by corporate head honchos and big wigs in suits. Mr. Epstein and Amanda are seated at the end of the table. A suited-up LANCE, front and center, flips open his laptop monitor and plugs it into the projector. The blonde co-worker looks on with eager interest. LANCE (clearing throat) Monday blues...

34.

Faint laughter from the crowd... We then see a Power Point presentation projected onto the screen. LANCE (CONT’D) Ever since C.E.I.’s new 3-year engagement started with our most loyal client, Washington County Public School District, we’ve made great strides. Our new financial management accounting system as you all know, has just gone live last month. Since the initial implementation, our consultants have worked around the clock performing system maintenance... Leading me into my next slide. (click) Potential obstacles in the next fiscal year for a successfulSuddenly, a SKYPE VIDEO CHAT SCREEN pops up. It’s CHAD! CHAD (on the screen) Long DONGGG! I am sending you an early morning video message to brighten your day buddy. LANCE (trying to click out) Forgot to close out of Skype. (nervous laughter) The video box closes out. LANCE (CONT’D) Okay, sorry about that. Back to theThe video box pops up again! CHAD Look what came in the mail today. (pulls out a flesh light) A motherfucking FLESH LIGHT man! Let me tell you something.. These things are majestic. LANCE (frantically trying to click out but realizes computer is frozen again) Please disregard this.

35.

CHAD (opening up hole of flesh light up close) Look. No mess either! And I was thinking man. I was being such a softie. I’m gonna take Christine out.. she deserves that much at least. And then I am gonna take her back to my place and nailll her! LANCE, in a fit, pulls the plug from the monitor and slams his monitor shut. The audience stares at him blankly. INT. HALLWAY, C.E.I. SOLUTIONS -- DAY LANCE (humiliated) Mr. Epstein, I’m so sorry about that. That was just an idiot friend of mine. I swear I had no idea I left my Skype on. MR. EPSTEIN Lance. (putting hand on his shoulder) Come take a walk with me. We need to talk. Mr. Epstein takes the lead and starts walking. Lance, in fear of the worst, starts to walk right next to him. MR. EPSTEIN (CONT’D) You’ve been a solid performer for a long time now. LANCE Mr. Epstein, IMR. EPSTEIN Now now. Just hear me out. (short pause) I don’t want you to think of me as an authority figure. LANCE But you’re my boss. MR. EPSTEIN Yes, I know. But let me tell you something. (stopping and turning face to face) (MORE)

36. MR. EPSTEIN (CONT'D) You and your friend remind me of a young me. Back in the day... I had so many one-night stands on the weekend, there has to be at least a hundred hybrid Jewish kids walking around the U.S. right now.

LANCE Excuse me? MR. EPSTEIN No lie. LANCE You didn’t use uh.. Protection? MR. EPSTEIN Are you kidding me? We were wild back in the day. I bet I made you and your friend’s sexcapades look like an episode of Hannah Montana. LANCE What about um.. You know what. MR. EPSTEIN STDs you mean? Yeah. (laughs) They’re like Pokemon cards.. Gotta catch em’ all! LANCE (awkward laughter) Not quite.. but sure, Mr. Epstein! MR. EPSTEIN Now I know what a young guy like you must be thinking... “Shit I really fucked up the presentation and made an ass out of myself” LANCE To say the least, sir. MR. EPSTEIN Well as your boss, I say to hell with it. It was hilarious! Our client.. Fuck them. They’re all a bunch of old, lazy sacks of shit anyway. LANCE Wow, Mr. Epstein... I don’t know what to say right now.

37.

MR. EPSTEIN (putting hand back on his shoulder) You don’t have to say anything. Keep up the good work, Lance. Mr. Epstein begins to walk away. Lance is shell-shocked but relieved. MR. EPSTEIN (CONT’D) (turning around) Oh, there’s one more thing I forgot to ask ya. LANCE Yes, sir? MR. EPSTEIN Where can I order one of those flashlights? INT. HAPPY HOUR BAR -- EVENING The boys- wearing work attire, draft beers in hand, stand at a bar for happy hour. It is a posh, trendy establishment with the typical working class crowd. CHAD Lance, I can’t apologize enough times to you. I feel awful! This was the second time in two weeks that I’ve embarrassed you at work. LANCE (placing hand on Chad) For the last time, IT’S OKAY. My boss took it pretty well actually. He thought it was great. CHAD Are you sure man? LANCE Yeah, relax. If anything, you should be apologizing for taking me to another one of these shitty happy hours again. CHAD (slightly surprised) You’re joking, right?

38.

LANCE No, man. I think they’re pretentious and pointless. CHAD Dude, you’re a young working class professional. (short pause) In D.C.! Like half the other people in here. LANCE Exactly. That’s the problem. It’s like (imitating) Look at meee. I’m such an important person. (raising beer to mouth) The more half-priced drinks I drink the faster my promotion will come! CHAD That’s not the point, man. Happy hours are the best spots to pick up chicks. LANCE I thought it was the pet store. CHAD Hm, the pet store. A nice, underrated place in its own right. But no, these happy hours are the premiere location. Take a look around this place. The boys scope the bar around, we see mostly young, attractive people in work attire. CHAD (CONT’D) The girls here have been busting their asses at work all day wearing uncomfortable clothing... most likely in a tiny cubicle. See, girls are passionate and sexually aggressive creatures like us guys. They don’t wanna be cooped up in a conservative environment all day! LANCE I think you’re onto something.

39.

CHAD This is the first spot they go to right after work. And because of that, this is when they’re at their most vulnerable. You see, they WANT guys to approach them here and chat them up. It’s the setting. And here’s the beauty in that: The problem for them is that the guys that GO to happy hours are big pussies! Don’t believe me? Look. ZOOM in on several groups of girls/guys. The guys are socializing more with the guys in their groups and paying the girls no mind. We see several other male-male co-workers chatting. CHAD (CONT’D) The guys here are too concerned about their image and reputation at work that they’re not gonna be makin’ any moves on these girls here. Which is great for alpha males like us because we can pick from the cream of the fucking crop. LANCE But here is a potential obstacle: Girls don’t come here by themselves. They usually have guys in their groups. So it would be harder to approach them. CHAD Not true. Not true at all. You know how to overcome that? LANCE How? CHAD Gain the circle’s inner trust by first chatting up the guys. Here. Watch and learn. (begins walking) LANCE Wait. Not yet! CHAD (briefly turning around) Once you hesitate, you’ve already lost. (MORE)

40. CHAD (CONT'D) (continues walking without breaking stride)

CHAD approaches a group of 1 guy and 2 girls. Young, working class. CHAD (CONT’D) (tapping guy on shoulder) Hey what’s up man I think I’ve seen you around somewhere. GUY Where? CHAD I dunno. I think it was at a career fair or something. You work for a consulting firm, right? GUY Yeah, I work at Accenture. CHAD Ah! Accenture.. Do you know a guy named Bobby? GUY (thinks) Mm doesn’t ring a bell. CHAD Ooh.. He’s a crazy friend of mine that works there. GUY Are you a consultant, too? CHAD Oh no, I’m an attorney. GUY Really? Wow that’s impressive. CHAD Eh it’s alright. My name’s Chad. (extending hand) GUY Brian. So how was law school like? CHAD Hold that thought for a moment. (to girls) Do you all work together?

41.

GIRL 1 No. We work at Booz Allen. We were all friends from college. CHAD (to Brian) Booz. Looks like they have a one-up on you there, buddy. The girls giggle lightly. CHAD (CONT’D) Consulting seems like an exciting field. I wish I had done that instead of the whole law thing. GIRL 2 You’re a lawyer? CHAD Yes. GIRL 1 You seem a little young to be a lawyer, though. CHAD I just graduated law school last year. The 2 girls look at eachother and nod in approval. At that moment.. From’s Chad’s P.O.V., we see some girl walk up to Lance. It’s AMANDA, his co-worker! AMANDA Hey there! LANCE Amanda! What a pleasant surprise. AMANDA So was your presentation. LANCE (nervous) Oh.. Yes. That was embarassing. AMANDA It wasn’t that bad... I never see you at these things, this is weird. LANCE Oh yeah... Happy hours aren’t my forte.

42.

From LANCE’s P.O.V.- CHAD waves for him to come over to talk to the girls with him. Lance declines by waving his hand. AMANDA Hey! That’s the guy from your computer. LANCE Yeah, that’s the superstar right there. My friend Chad. AMANDA (awkward) Cool. Cool. LANCE Yep. AMANDA So any plans this coming weekend? LANCE Uh.. I think I was gonna go out and stuff. The usual. Also cleaning up the apartment a bit. AMANDA (nodding) Nice. LANCE You? AMANDA No plans yet. LANCE Cool. (awkward silence) A young good-looking guy, 20s, white male, walks by next to Amanda. This is Louis, their co-worker. LANCE (CONT’D) Hey Louis. LOUIS Lance, what’s up man. LANCE Not much. I didn’t know you guys knew eachother. I mean we work in the same building and all. Just never saw you two interacting.

43.

AMANDA Yeah, we just finished working on a proposal together last week. LOUIS I guess we just hit it off. LANCE Oh good. Maybe we should all get together sometime on the weekend. The 3 of us. Amanda and Louis look at eachother. They seem unsure. AMANDA (falsely enthusiastic) Yeah! That would be great! LOUIS Well hey Lance it was nice running into you after work. We’re gonna go check out Rocket Bar next door. Heard they have some good specials. LANCE Okay! Well I’m just gonna hang with my buddy here. I’ll see you guys at work tomorrow. Amanda and Louis bid Lance farewell. Moments later, Chad walks up to Lance. CHAD What the hell man! I was gonna introduce you to the other girl. LANCE I was busy talking to my coworkers. CHAD Who was the blondie? She was kinda hot. LANCE That’s Amanda. I work with her. CHAD What’s she doing with the other guy? LANCE I guess they just started hanging out recently.

44.

CHAD You have a thing for her, don’t you? LANCE Nahhh. CHAD Yeah you do. You look like you just saw a ghost or something. LANCE Chad, don’t be ridiculous. CHAD Look in my eyes, Lance. I’ve seen YOUR situation too many times. YOU have to be more aggressive with this one or else she’s gonna find someone else. It looks like she may have already. LANCE I don’t know man, it’s just a little weird. Because she’s my coworker and all. CHAD That’s an excuse. If you want something, go get it. I was sneaking peeks at you guys... it seemed like she was expecting more out of you. LANCE What do you mean? CHAD I don’t know. Like, for you to break out of your shell or something? A very pretty girl, 20s, walks by alone and takes a spot at the bar to order a drink. CHAD (CONT’D) Lance, excuse me for one second. Chad takes a spot directly next to this girl. CHAD (CONT’D) Hello stranger. She gives Chad a bit of a weird look.

45.

GIRL Hey. CHAD Tough day at work? (to bartender) Whatever this little angel wants, put it on my tab. GIRL (to bartender) Patron on the rocks. CHAD Whoa. Patron huh? You have good taste. That reminds me of my mother, she used toGIRL Cut the shit. CHAD What? GIRL You used that line on me a month ago. You brought me back to your place afterward. We had passionate sex. Then you promised to take me out on a real date, but you never called. CHAD (astonished) I-I must have lost your number or something. GIRL Uh huh. (takes her drink from the bar) Oh, the guy I was seeing at the time turned out to have herpes. You might want to get tested. Thanks for the drink, asshole. (walks away) CHAD (faint) Please tell me you’re joking. CUT TO:

46.

INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT LANCE opens the door to his empty apartment. Drops his laptop bag down, loosens up his collar. He stands there for a momentlooks around for a quick second. LANCE (to self) She took the damn cat, too. He enters the kitchen and goes over to his fridge. Opens itwe see nothing but beer, water, and ketchup. He snags a beer. LANCE (CONT’D) (to self) Cold cruiser. He walks to his couch, plops down, takes a swig of beer. Then, he pulls out his iPhone. ZOOM into his phone screen: He pushes the green “Messages” icon on the top left- then opens a new text message template. Begins typing: A.M.A.N.. Pulling up Amanda... He begins typing, a tad hesitant: “Actually. Let’s do something together. Just you and me.” Before he presses ‘Send’, he takes a deep breath and begins to erase the entire message. INSTEAD, he replaces ‘Amanda’ with ‘Jenny’ and starts typing: “Hey... Hope you’re doing okay.” He pushes ‘Send’ without any hestiation. 5 seconds later, he receives a reply: “Fuck off.” He shakes his head. MOMENTS LATER, a shadow creeps up against the wall of his apartment. It looks like a person with long hair. LANCE (CONT’D) Who’s there?? No answer. Lance gets up slowly and picks up a broom. LANCE (CONT’D) Don’t fuck with me! I’m Asian. I know martial arts. I’ll slice your dick off! The shadowy figure enters from the hallway to reveal itself: CHAD, wearing a long black wig.

47.

CHAD (imitating Jenny) LANCEEEE. I TOLD YOU TO COME HOME RIGHT AFTER WORK! LANCE (relieved) You scared the shit out of me asshole! CHAD (still imitating) IF YOU’RE OUT FUCKING OTHER GIRLS.. LIKE... DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH ME THEN. LANCE Ha ha. Very funny. CHAD (laughing) I’m just messin’ with you man! (takes off wig) LANCE What the hell are you doing here? CHAD You gave me a spare key, remember? Judge postponed my case tomorrow so I figured I’d surprise you. LANCE Sweet. Really. Here come sit down I’ll grab you a beer. He walks to the kitchen. CHAD (sits down on couch) Geez this place is dead as shit. LANCE (O.S.) Yeah I need to spice it up a little. (short pause) Oh hey. I text messaged Amanda. (walking out of kitchen with beer) CHAD What’d you say?

48.

LANCE I told her to come hang out with me sometime. Mono e Mono. (handing him the beer) CHAD Straight up? LANCE Yeah. CHAD My man. Did she reply back yet? LANCE No, I just sent it. CHAD Good. I like how you’re being very direct. LANCE (sits down, raises his beer for a toast) Man toast. CHAD (tapping his beer) To Long Dong finally treating his Dong to some.. Pong. LANCE That was very confusing. CHAD (wrapping his arm around Lance) Now that you’re completely single, we are gonna have soo much fun together. Well not with eachother. Unless you want to. With girls. LANCE Can’t wait. Lance stares off into space, now ashamed of lying about Amanda. CHAD Bros over hoes. FADE IN:

49.

INT. CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- DAY Christine’s overweight sister, KRISTINA, sits down on a living room couch.. Glasses and headphones on, studying. From behind her, the apartment door opens: Christine walks in, grocery bags in hand. KRISTINA (turning around) Hey missy. CHRISTINE (slightly out of breath) Hey. (dropping bags) Oh what time is it? KRISTINA (looking at phone) Mm.. It is.. 4:45. CHRISTINE Already?? KRISTINA Yep. Why? CHRISTINE You know why. KRISTINA Ohh your little date. CHRISTINE I only have like 2 hours to get ready! KRISTINA Uh you’re already gorg. as you are, I don’t really think you need that much time. CHRISTINE Listen girl. This is my first date since.. how long has it been? KRISTINA I think like 4 months. CHRISTINE Yeah, in the dating world, that would be a prison term. Meaning, tonight, I have to look like a 5 star.

50.

Christine walks over to the bathroom to get ready. The camera stays on Kristina. KRISTINA Hey Christine. CHRISTINE (O.S.) Yeah? KRISTINA You sure you’re ready to date? CHRISTINE (O.S.) Yeah, totally! (pause) Why wouldn’t I be? KRISTINA I mean.. the way things ended with John. It was kind of nasty. CHRISTINE (O.S.) Fuck him. He was a total scum bag. KRISTINA True. But I just don’t want you getting hurt again. Be on your guard. Christine walks out the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth. CHRISTINE I know what I’m doing. Plus, Chad seemed like a sweet guy. He was so cute laying there in the hospital bed. KRISTINA Oh you mean doped up and burnt like the cakes you bake? CHRISTINE Ha ha screw you woman. Don’t worry though, I don’t even think I’m gonna let him kiss me. I never kiss on the first date. KRISTINA Really? You seem to be scrubbin’ those gums pretty hard there.

51.

CHRISTINE (pointing to mouth) This will only be used for food tonight. (short pause) I should call him to make sure we’re still on! KRISTINA No don’t do that! You’ll seem desperate. CHRISTINE Just wanna make sure we’re still on. Better safe than sorry! She whips out her phone and begins dialing. KRISTINA You are quite the bold one. CHRISTINE (finger to mouth) Shhhh. CUT TO: INT. ARBITRATION ROOM, LANCE’S LAW OFFICE -- DAY CHAD sits at the end of a rectangular table across from OLGA, an elderly lady well in her 80s. Seated with them are 2 lawyers. OLGA (Russian accent) What do you mean you can’t do anything for me? CHAD Olga, this was your second DUI offense in a week! FLASHBACK: CLOSE-UP of OLGA, in an outdated 1970’s BUICK, wrecklessly driving drunk listening to extremely loud RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC. She sings along. CUT TO:

52.

INT. APPLE STORE -- DAY A sales associate, mid 20s, thick glasses, observes a young African American woman’s iPhone. ASSOCIATE Ma’am. I’m sorry but your phone no longer has a warranty on it. Your best bet right now is to pay $600 for the same, refurbished phone. WOMAN (flipping out) You’re fucking with me right? You virgin motherfuckers know damn well you can go in the back and fix my phone in 5 minutes if you weren’t so damn pressed about milking your customers out of they money! Suddenly, GLASS SHATTERS. OLGA’s Buick BLASTS through the APPLE STORE, running over equipment and valuable computers. CUSTOMERS scream. The Buick is slammed into a display stand, halting it. OLGA, sitting without a scratch, music still on, pulls out a handle of STOLI and begins to gulp it down. END FLASHBACK OLGA (pulls out flask and takes a chug) I am innocent! CHAD Maybe to P.C. lovers, disgruntled AT&T customers, and Microsoft. But you still broke the law. VIBRATE. VIBRATE. Chad looks down at his phone. It’s Christine. CHAD (CONT’D) Excuse me for a minute. He answers. The attorneys look at him appalled. CHAD (CONT’D) Hey Christine.. Ready for tonight? Cut BACK and FORTH between each character:

53.

CHRISTINE Yep. Just makin’ sure you weren’t gonna bail on me! CHAD No. Why would I? CHRISTINE You never know. CHAD I wouldn’t miss out on it for the world. CHRISTINE Oh stop it. I’ll see ya there! CHAD Peace. (hangs up, looks at everyone) I’m meeting a girl tonight. INT. BATHROOM, CHAD’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT CHAD, now dressed in a nice button down dress shirt and jeans, stands in front of Lance, who sprays him with cologne. LANCE Did you jerk off today? CHAD No, man. That’s the worst thing you can do before a date. LANCE I disagree. CHAD No testosterone. No sex drive. No sex drive. No bang. LANCE But it helps you feel relaxed and at ease.. So you can be yourself. CHAD Maybe that’s why you never get laid.

54.

INT. BATHROOM, CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT CHRISTINE, as breathtaking as ever, rocks a dress and heels. KRISTINA Wow. He is gonna fall in love with you tonight. CHRISTINE I sure hope not... Am I overdoing it? KRISTINA No! Not at all. You look amazing. INT. BATHROOM, CHAD’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS CHAD Am I underdressed? Should I wear a blazer? LANCE Nahh you’re golden. She is gonna wet her panties when she sees you. CHAD You’re probably not the best person to get input from on this... But should I “dress” to the left or the right? INT. BATHROOM, CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Kristina displays a taser in her left hand and a can of mace in her right hand. KRISTINA Taser/Mace/Or both? CHRISTINE No I don’t need either. He seems harmless. (thinks harder) Actually, let me get the mace. INT. LIVING ROOM, CHAD’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Guys at the front door. Lance opens it for his friend.

55.

LANCE Okay my man. You look like you’re good to go. Ready to make it 41 and O? CHAD I will keep the streak alive. LANCE Don’t let this turn into anything serious. CHAD Lance, did you forget who you were talking to? LANCE Well yeah, but just the other day you went all soft on me. CHAD My wounds have healed, buddy. LANCE Good. Tomorrow night: Different day. Different Slay. CHAD Yep you know it. I’ll let you know how tonight goes tomorrow morning. (winks) INT. LIVING ROOM, CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Similar scene of the sisters at the front door- Kristina holding it open. KRISTINA I know you’re excited and all, and you should be. But I also know how you can be sometimes. CHRISTINE What do you mean? KRISTINA You’re too nice and people try to take advantage of that. CHRISTINE (holding Kristina’s cheeks) Kristina! (MORE)

56. CHRISTINE (CONT'D) I love you but we have a mom. I don’t need a second mother, okay? I’m nice but I’m not stupid.

KRISTINA Sorry I was just worried about ya. CHRISTINE And I’m really glad you care. I’ll call you if I need anything. KRISTINA Alright girl knock him dead. The sisters hug and Christine goes on her way. INT. LAURIOL PLAZA -- NIGHT It is a nice, well decorated, and relatively fancy Spanish restaurant in the heart of D.C. CHAD sits at his table, Sparkling water sitting on top, and looks down at his watch. Within a few ticks, Christine makes her grand appearance in front of the table. CHRISTINE You look like you could use some company. Chad, smiling, immediately stands up. They graciously exchange a light kiss on the cheek. CHAD Wow. You look absolutely breathtaking. Are you on the menu? CHRISTINE Yes. At market price. You’ll have to ask the waiter. They both take their seats across from eachother. CHAD You’re also late. CHRISTINE Fashionably so. CHAD Touche.

57.

CHRISTINE Nice place. Do you take all your dates here? CHAD Just the ones I like. CHRISTINE Well I’m honored.. How’s the back? CHAD Oh the burns are healing pretty well. There might be some scarring though... if that’s okay with you. CHRISTINE (laughs) I’ll try to overlook that... By the way, you should really thank your friend. He took care of you that night. CHAD Oh, I have many times. I love that kid to death. CHRISTINE How did you guys meet? CHAD We had Finance class together. He used to help me study and in return I would um... help him meet girls. CHRISTINE Really? CHAD Yeah. CHRISTINE That probably says a lot about you. CHAD What? That I like to help my friend out? CHRISTINE By using women as a commodity. CHAD Well obviously that’s the feminist point of view. (MORE)

58. CHAD (CONT'D) But it’s really no different than when girls set their friends up with guys.

A waiter, late 30s, white dress shirt and slacks, walks over. WAITER Good evening folks. May I start you off with something to drink? CHRISTINE I’ll have a glass of Merlot. And a fuzzy navel for him. CHAD That’s not even funny. CHRISTINE I’m just messing with you. CHAD (to waiter) We’ll actually share a bottle of Chteau Margaux. WAITER Very good, sir. CHRISTINE Oh no, ICHAD (interrupting) And we’ll be ready to order shortly. Thanks. The waiter walks away. She looks at Chad like he’s crazy. CHAD (CONT’D) What? CHRISTINE I don’t wanna sound prude- but that was a $400 bottle of wine! CHAD Relax. I felt bad about spilling your drink. CHRISTINE (shaking head) You are somethin’ else.

59.

CHAD What if I said I only seduced girls to have expensive meals with me and skipped out on the bill afterwards? CHRISTINE Shit. (covers her face) CHAD What’s wrong? CHRISTINE Because that’s what I do! CHAD Are you serious? CHRISTINE No. Some time has passed, the expensive bottle of wine- nearly empty, plates finished. The 2 seem to be enjoying their evening very much. Chad begins to pour the last bit of wine into her glass. CHAD You know what I just realized? CHRISTINE What? CHAD This entire time we’ve been here, we barely know anything about eachother! Christine, borderline drunk, bursts out laughing. CHRISTINE You’re so right! That’s a good thing though. CHAD What do you do? CHRISTINE Oh I’m in Law School right now, it’s my last year coming up. CHAD Get the hell outta here! I’m a lawyer.

60.

CHRISTINE Really?? CHAD Yeah! What school are you at? CHRISTINE Georgetown. Right here. CHAD Fuckin’ A. That’s my Alma Mater. I just graduated a year ago. CHRISTINE Oh my God! That is so strange. CHAD I never saw you around campus. CHRISTINE Wait. How do I know you’re not a creeper and didn’t look me up on Facebook? CHAD (pulling out business card) I don’t have a Facebook. Christine examines the card. CHRISTINE Chad Brennan... Criminal defense huh? CHAD Yeah, I specialize in D.U.I. cases. CHRISTINE (putting card in her purse) I want to be a prosecutor. I’ll be your competition one day. CHAD I like a challenge. They both gaze in eachother’s eyes in light adoration. Then, the waiter comes over with the bill placed in a black checkbook. WAITER I will leave this with the gentleman.

61.

The waiter leaves. Christine quickly snatches the checkbook and opens it. CHAD Hey! What are you doing? She flashes him the bill: $525.67! CHRISTINE Let’s try something different. Let’s play credit card roulette. CHAD With 2 people? CHRISTINE Yeah. 50/50. She places her credit card in the checkbook. CHRISTINE (CONT’D) Put yours in. CHAD No, I don’t want to do that. I’ll feel bad if your card gets drawn. CHRISTINE Chad, relax. My student loans are supporting me pretty well. Chad takes her card out and puts his in. CHAD Nope. My treat to you. CHRISTINE Come on. I thought you liked a challenge! Don’t be scared. CHAD (thinking) Oh all right! Don’t cry later on though if yours gets picked. CHRISTINE I won’t. The waiter walks back to the table and grabs the book. WAITER I will be right back.

62.

CHRISTINE Wait! There’s 2 cards in there. Close your eyes and pick one of them. WAITER Ma’am are you sure? CHRISTINE Yes! WAITER Very well. The waiter covers his eyes with his left hand- uses his right hand to slowly open the checkbook. He feels around, and then places his hand on one card. It’s Chad’s, who nods in approval. THEN, the waiter shifts his hand to the next card, Christine’s! He picks it up. CHAD No, no. Sir, she is just jerkin’ your chain. Here, I will pay for it. He picks up his credit card and tries to hand it to him. CHRISTINE Chad. It’s okay! WAITER I have other tables, there isn’t much time to waste. CHAD (sighs) Here. Put the bottle of wine on my card, and the rest on hers. (looks at Christine) Deal? CHRISTINE Okay deal. The waiter finally takes the checkbook and leaves. EXT. NATIONAL MALL -- NIGHT It is a beautiful, starry night. Christine and Chad lay side by side on the National Mall, gazing up at the sky, a few yards in front of the Monument.

63.

CHRISTINE This is perfect. I don’t feel like I have a care in the world. CHAD Same here. (pause) Hey Christine. CHRISTINE Yes? CHAD I never got your last name. CHRISTINE Berkley. CHAD Christine Berkley. That has a nice ring to it. They continue looking up in the night sky. CHRISTINE (turning face towards Chad) Thank you for tonight. CHAD (turning face, looking in her eyes) You’re not like other girls. CHRISTINE (half smile) I try. (pause) Chad, you might want to be careful. There’s a giant bug walking towards your face. Chad quickly turns his head to the opposite direction- still laying down. Nothing there. CAMERA stays on Chad’s face. CHAD There’s nothing here. He turns his face back around- only to perfectly align with Christine’s face, they lock lips and share a slow, passionate kiss.

64.

Overhead Shot of the gorgeous National Mall as our characters continue to kiss. FADE OUT: INT. CUBICLE, C.E.I. SOLUTIONS -- DAY LANCE, slaving away at his desk, receives a phone call. LANCE (picking) This is Lance. Cut to Chad at his desk in work attire: CHAD Sir Lance-A-Lot. Cut back and forth between characters: LANCE Whoa! It’s the Chadster! What’s up man? How did last night go? CHAD One word. Incredible. LANCE Oh yeah? She must have been great in bed. Silence. LANCE (CONT’D) Chad? CHAD Yeah.. About that... LANCE (gasp) You didn’t keep the streak alive? CHAD No, butLANCE CHAD. That is.. Wow.. Holy shit... I’m at a loss for words. 40 and One doesn’t sound too hot.

65.

CHAD Dude. Listen to me. We didn’t have sex BUT there’s something about this one. She’s just so different and smart and hilarious... LANCE Wait, my REAL friend Chad whom I just saw last night is nothing like you. What kind of a sick imposter are you? CHAD Yeah yeah, shut up I get it. Maybe I would have fucked her if I didn’t want to see her again. LANCE Hey Chad, I can’t talk too long, I’m at work. CHAD Okay, well hey let’s do lunch today at say... 12:30? LANCE Yes 12:30 I will see you there. They hang up. Lance, looking at the PILES of documents on his desk, takes a breath and gets up. He walks to the BREAK ROOM. INT. BREAK ROOM, C.E.I. SOLUTIONS -- CONTINUOUS Lance approaches the water cooler, grabs a plastic cup, begins pouring. Suddenly: AMANDA (O.S.) Hey Lance! He quickly turns around and sees Amanda and LOUIS standing together next to the sink. LANCE Heyy! Amanda. Louis. How are you guys? AMANDA Good, good. How are you? LANCE It’s Friday. Anxious to leave.

66.

LOUIS Oh Lance. It’s a good thing I caught you here. I was meaning to bring this up with you. I proofread your implementation plan, it needs a lot of work, buddy. LANCE You think so? I thought it was pretty solid. LOUIS (shakes head) Nope. LANCE Well what was wrong with it? LOUIS A lot. LANCE Can you elaborate? LOUIS We can sit down later this afternoon and work on it. LANCE Sure, if you say so. AMANDA Lance, you didn’t bring food did you? Me and Louis are having lunch at the Kennedy Center. You should come with. LOUIS Unless of course you’re busy. LANCE No, lunch sounds good. Is it okay if I bring my friend along? AMANDA Is it the fleshlight guy? LANCE Yes, him, but don’t worry. He’s a harmless pervert. AMANDA Yeah sure bring him along.

67.

LANCE Great. I will see you guys there! He walks out of the breakroom. LOUIS (whispering, turning to Amanda) Why the fuck did you invite him? INT. ROOF TERRACE RESTAURANT, JFK CENTER -- DAY It is a quiet, lovely restaurant with a peaceful ambience. The four are now seated together at a round table. While Chad is talking, the other 3 look at him in disbelief: CHAD (loud and bold) So get this. SHE pulled the move on ME. We just started making out right there in front of the monument. It was so nice, like a scene straight out the Notebook or some shit. Oh my God, and her body is so fucking womanly.. And curvy. I wanted to cum in my pants. Those breasts were so firm and.. The waiter walks over to the table, noticing Chad’s empty glass. WAITER Another drink for you, sir? CHAD Another gin and tonic. Can you add a cucumber this time? WAITER Certainly. (walks away) CHAD Where was I? AMANDA So Lance! Now that it’s Friday, did you come up with any weekend plans? LANCE Me and Chad are actually going out tonight, like we always do.

68.

CHAD Lance, I’m so sorry to do this to you. But I have to take a rain check tonight. Christine wanted to meet up again. LANCE You’re joking, right? CHAD No, I wish I was. I’m sorry man, I’ll totally make it up to you. Just call one of our other friends, they’re fun too. LANCE Thank you Chad. Thanks. Really. CHAD You’ll be fine my friend, I’ve taught you well. LOUIS So what do you guys do when you go out? LANCE Ah we just go out, have a couple drinks, nothing major. CHAD We’re eachother’s best wing man. We help one another pick up chicks to sleep with. Lance begins to turn red as a tomato. The waiter comes back with Chad’s drink- sets it down. AMANDA Lance. So that’s what you do on the weekends huh? LANCE No no, not at all. He’s just being funny. LOUIS I hope so. Because that sounds kind of pathetic. CHAD, alerted and in mid-sip, puts his drink down. CHAD Pathetic. How?

69.

LOUIS Don’t get me wrong. You guys are young, good-looking fellas. But you’re not all that young. We’re approaching our mid 20s, you don’t have to go to clubs every weekend and hit on girls- only stringing their feelings along for one night of worthless sex. I personally just think it’s better to settle down right now. Find a sweet girl to make memories with. CHAD I’ve noticed that the guys who use logic like that tend to be the ones that have a hard time getting laid, or just in general being successful with women. LOUIS Oh, believe me. That is not the case here. CHAD Well okay. For instance, you and Amanda obviously have something going on. AMANDA (strongly shakes head) No, no we do not. CHAD Amanda, you’re a sweet girl. I like you. But you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. Lance, attempting to divert attention, grabs the waiter. LANCE I’ll have a gin and tonic too, please. CHAD Whatever this thing is between you two, be it a crush, fling, romance, attraction, whatever... You guys haven’t fucked yet. LANCE All right, I think we should get the check!

70.

CHAD No, I’m not done yet. AMANDA Chad, of course we haven’t fucked. We WORK together. CHAD So anyway, the reason WHY your little “office romance” hasn’t blossomed into something more is because Lou here doesn’t know what to doo to screw. Lance, humiliated, buries his face in his hands. CHAD (CONT’D) (to Louis) I’m sorry if I’m offending you, but honest criticism only motivates. If you want to move past the flirtation stage anytime soon... or ever.. I’ll be more than happy to give you some real advice over some food and drinks. Awkward silence. Chad takes another sip of his drink very casually. EXT. F STREET, WASHINGTON D.C. -- DAY Amanda and Louis, side by side, stand in front of Chad and Lance. AMANDA Lance, we’ll see you back at the office. The two quickly turn around and begin walking. CHAD (shouting) Nice meeting you guys! From behind, we see them start to hold hands. LANCE GREAT. They’re holding hands now. CHAD Don’t worry, he’s no threat to you my man.

71.

LANCE Don’t you ever know when to bite your tongue? You not only made an ass of out yourself, you made it WORSE for me cuz now you probably motivated them. CHAD I was just being myself. LANCE And way to flake on me tonight. What a dick move. CHAD Lance, I said I’m sorry. Here I’ll call up the boys for you tonight. This time, YOU show them the way. LANCE I guess I have no choice now. CHAD You’ll have fun regardless. Come on. Let’s get ya back to work. The boys walk down the street. Chad swings his arm around Lance’s neck in an act of friendly affection. EXT. CLUB -- NIGHT It is a PACKED crowd tonight at an undisclosed nightclub. Lance, waiting in line, now with a DIFFERENT set of friends, all in their mid-20s: Anthony, suave, tanned, very good-looking Hispanic male (sort of like Ricky Martin). Stuart, tall black guy, a horny motherfucker. Spencer, white, skinny, slightly nerdy, glasses. Sid, a lanky, dark-skinned Indian male with a penchant for innappropriate comments. Random group of club-going males walk by the line- One of them stops, observes this unique group of friends. RANDOM GUY You guys goin’ to a fucking pot luck?

72.

Friends, not amused by this insult, say nothing. The group of guys burst out in laughter. RANDOM GUY 2 (catches breath) Okay, so this guy (pointing to Lance) Brought the pu pu platter (to Anthony) He brought the chimichungas. (to Stuart) Fried Chicken, obviously. STUART (angered) I’m gonna fuck you up, racist bitch! RANDOM GUY 2 (to Sid) The CURRY. (to Spencer) And uh... this one PLANNED the whole event. LANCE Very funny joke. Now fuck off. The guys, still laughing, walk away. SPENCER It’s a shame that Chad couldn’t make it tonight. I haven’t seen that guy in a year! SID Dude, that guy is a LEGEND. The last time I hung out with him, January this year, was at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show after party. Somehow.. This guy managed to convince the entire runway to come home with us two, even the female photographers. Needless to say, that night was BIBLICAL. SPENCER So did you bang any models? SID No. But I heard what orgasms sound like in 10 different accents. Courtesy of Chad.

73.

STUART Yo CHAD is my HERO. We went to this random wine tasting party at a Country Club. We tag-teamed these 2 blonde cougars while their husbands were out playing golf. Mannn I’m black and I even had a hard time keepin’ up with him. ANTHONY That pandejo banged my aunt at my sister’s quincenero. SPENCER We went to Comic Con last year dressed as Mario Brothers. This guy was Luigi, and fucked Wonder Woman AND Cat Woman together in the Batmobile while everyone was catching the sneak peek of Iron Man 2. LANCE Fellas, I know we all look up to Chad and that he’s done wonders for us. But he’s not here tonight. Remember, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. STUART Lance is right. Let’s kill it in here tonight! Just us! The guys- PUMPED, hooping/hollering, high-fiving/chestbumping, ready to take on the night. CUT TO: INT. CLUB -- NIGHT The group of 5, stand together at the bar with drinks. SID Hey why the fuck haven’t any of us approached a girl yet? LANCE (to Spencer) Spencer! Come on man, you got the smarts. Go kick the night off the right way for us.

74.

SPENCER (waving it off) Nah. I think I’m gonna finish my drink first. STUART Yo Anthony. You’re the Rico Suave of the group. (pointing to group of 3 sexy Spanish women) Set it up for us. ANTHONY No problem. I’ll show you how it’s done. ANTHONY, confident stride, walks up to the girls. He taps one of them on the shoulder. She looks over at him. The other 2 girls, taking notice of this, stare at him. ANTHONY, suddenly not so confident, frozen with words... ANTHONY (CONT’D) (really fast) Cute babe. He instantly turns around and begins walking back. The girls, perplexed, look at eachother like WTF. LANCE What the hell was that all about?? ANTHONY I think they had boyfriends. LANCE Did you even ask? SID Did you utter words? ANTHONY Of course. Flash Forward: LANCE and SID, sitting on a sofa lounge with 2 hot women. LANCE ...So then I woke up the next day halfway across the country! The girls laugh at Lance’s story.

75.

SID So ladies, let’s cut the chit chat. Are we fucking tonight or what? WOMAN 1 Excuse me? SID Yeah. I have a half-bottle of KY Jelly sitting in my drawer, about to expire tonight. LANCE (fake laughter) Funny guy isn’t he? Good old Sid. STUART, suddenly appears and scoots himself in between the 2 girls on the couch. LANCE (CONT’D) Stu! What are you doing? STUART Excuse me ladies. (wiggling his way in) Sorry about that. (wrapping his arm around both girls) You girls ever had black dick? I bet you have, but not like mine. Let’s go, us 3 right now. The girls, disgusted, stand up and leave without hesitation. SID You cock-blocked me man! STUART Nah you were the one that probably said somethin’. LANCE What the fuck is wrong with you two? STUART What? Those other clowns aren’t doing any better than us. Look. Stuart points at Spencer, whom we see standing against the wall by himself, sipping his drink.

76.

STUART (CONT’D) The fucking wall flower there. And Mr. “Cute Babe” over there. (points at Anthony) Shot of Anthony approaching numerous girls with the same line: “Cute Babe” and walking away instantly afterward. Now back to Lance/Stu/Sid. Lance, frustrated, takes out his cell phone and appears to begin texting. INT. MOVIE THEATER -- NIGHT CHAD and CHRISTINE, side by side. Chad feels a vibration, takes out his phone. Text from Lance: “Terrible night tonight. Wish you were here.” Puts his phone away. CHRISTINE What was that? CHAD Ah it’s just Lance. He’s havin’ an awesome time. INT. CLUB -- CONTINUOUS LANCE (standing up) Hey guys. I think I’m gonna cut my losses and go home. STUART Are you kidding me? The night has just begun! LANCE (walking off anyways) Have a good night guys. CUT TO: EXT. FRONT OF CLUB -- NIGHT Lance stands on the side walk to hail a cab. Moments later, the rest of the crew emerges from behind. SID Fuck you Lance! You gave up on us!

77.

LANCE I never give up on anyone. It just didn’t seem like the night was gonna get any better. SPENCER I don’t know what happened tonight. I guess I wasn’t feeling the crowd. ANTHONY Yo I made out with 2 girls tonight! SID You’re a fucking liar. Both of you. STUART All right. Things didn’t turn out so well, obviously. But one thing I’ve realized is you ALWAYS gotta have a Plan B. LANCE No Plan B. I’m going home. STUART Trust me, you don’t want to. We are NOT going home dry tonight. Come on follow me. INT. STUART’S CAR -- NIGHT STUART, driver’s seat. Lance, passenger’s seat. The other 3 in the backseat. LANCE Where are you taking us? STUART A place to find some real women! The girls in there were whack. LANCE No they weren’t. You guys were whack. SID It’s not like you helped us. Hanging out with Chad every weekend didn’t do shit for you! LANCE (turning around) Hey asshole. I TRIED to help. (MORE)

78. LANCE (CONT'D) And it would have worked if the things that come out of your mouth weren’t so repulsive.

SPENCER The girls there weren’t my type. STUART Spencer. Nobody is your type. ANTHONY Yeah. Even if a woman sat on your head. SPENCER You’re one to talk, gay Ricky Martin. SID What the hell was up with your pickup line? “Cute BABE”?? ANTHONY It works. You guys should try it. LANCE I thought you were supposed to get the girl’s reaction first before you run away. INT. OUTSIDE OF CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Chad and Christine arrive in front of Christine’s room. CHRISTINE I had an amazing time. Again. They kiss. CHAD Me too. Are you gonna invite me in? CHRISTINE See, I want to. Really really bad. But if I do, I have a feeling we wouldn’t be able to control ourselves. CHAD So?

79.

CHRISTINE Chad, I haven’t known you for too long, but I’m getting good vibes about you. It’s different. I just want to take things slow and enjoy it. If that’s all right with you. CHAD Oh yeah totally. Of course. I agree 100%. CHRISTINE And also, another thing I never told you.. But I don’t really like bringing up... CHAD What is it? CHRISTINE ...Forget it, it’s just emotional bullshit I don’t want to delve into. CHAD Christine. Look at me. She gazes into his eyes. CHAD (CONT’D) You can talk to me about anything. CHRISTINE (short pause) Well.. it’s just that my last relationship was kind of hard on me. CHAD How so? CHRISTINE (sighs) I was dating this guy for 2 years. Things were going fine, I thought we were gonna settle down. And out of no where.. He just left me... for some girl he met at a party. CHAD When was this? CHRISTINE About 2 months ago.

80.

CHAD Christine, I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how painful it can be to experience something like that. CHRISTINE (emotional) Yeah... CHAD (brings her closer) I just want you to know that there are genuine guys out there. And when you find one, which you will, he won’t ever make you feel an ounce of sadness. CHRISTINE (smiles) You’re sweet. CHAD And I won’t ever pressure you into doing anything. Hence, you making the first move on me. They kiss some more. CHAD (CONT’D) By the way, I hope I’m not a rebound for you. CHRISTINE No. That’s the last thing you are. INT. STUART’S CAR -- CONTINUOUS The guys arrive in some shady street corner in front of: “White Pearl Day Spa.” “Open 24/7” LANCE Oh no no no. We’re not doing any massage parlors in DC. STUART LANCE. Relax! Your mom doesn’t work at this one. LANCE No fucker it’s not that. I refuse to pay for sex!

81.

INT. WHITE PEARL DAY SPA -- NIGHT They enter the “spa” and see 2 huge black bodyguards standing by a door directly in front of them, GUNS concealed under their dark blazers. SPENCER (whispering to others) Holy shit, they got guns! LANCE (to Stuart) I told you this was a bad idea! STUART Guys, chill chill. I come here all the time. This place is legit. They approach the bodyguards, who greet Stuart first. BODYGUARD 1 Sup Stu? STUART Marcus, Derrick. How ya fellas been? (dapping them) These here are my friends, we’re here to help the business prosper. MARCUS We’ll have to pat these guys down first. They proceed to pat down each of the guys one by one. Anthony last. DERRICK Empty your pockets. Anthony takes out everything he has in his pockets: A bottle of horny goat pills, Mascara, eyeliner, hair gel, anti-aging cream, foundation. MARCUS What the hell is wrong with you, boy? ANTHONY Uh uh... those are my sister’s stuff.

82.

DERRICK You can’t bring this shit in here. ANTHONY ButDERRICK Get the hell inside. They open the door for the guys- who except for STUART, enter CAUTIOUSLY. ENTER a dim room with surrounding curtain-covered rooms. Jazz music plays in the background. We see a host stand illuminated with a yellow M- ghetto looking Spanish lady behind it. LANCE Why the hell is there a McDonald’s sign on the host stand? SPANISH HOSTESS Gentlemen. Welcome to the ‘McBrothel’ SID McBrothel? The ‘hostess’ whips out 5 laminated menus for the guys. SPANISH HOSTESS Once you make your selection, I will escort you to your room. STUART (to guys) This place is just like McDonald’s. Except for sex. Quick, cheap, not too good for you but gets the job done. LANCE Stu. Are you out of your fucking mind? STUART Lance, if you want to spend $500 on a pricy escort be my guest. The rest of us here are gonna be gettin’ some action for much less than that.

83.

LANCE I don’t want to spend money for action. Period! SID Yo guys. Check out the Value Menu. McHandjobs and McBlowjobs are only $10.99. ANTHONY, already at the hostess stand: ANTHONY I’ll have a McGangBang. SPANISH HOSTESS Of course. That will be $25. He pays, and she begins to escort him. SPANISH HOSTESS (CONT’D) Follow me. SPENCER What the hell is a McGangBang? One of the curtains open, revealing a chubby, disgusting, cheap-looking skank and a Brazilian TRANNY. LANCE Oh hell no. I’m just gonna go outside and wait in the car. SPANISH HOSTESS (walking back to stand) No sir, you can’t do that. You have to stay here until your friends are done. Just take a seat right there. LANCE Fuck. He sits down on one of the chairs against the wall. SID Hmm.. McBigNTasty looks tempting. Lance starts to text Chad: “@ the McBrothel. Shoot me now” SPENCER (to hostess) I’ll take the McQuickie, please. Lance gets a text back: “Dude. Get the fuck out of there. NOW.”

84.

SID Oooh, I’ll take the McCreamPie. SPANISH HOSTESS Okay that will be $15 for both of you. LANCE Guys, we should leave. STUART Nah man! I said chill. Just give us a minute. (short pause) And I’ll take the McBlumpkin Pie. Lance, deep sigh of frustration- sits back. SPANISH HOSTESS You sure you don’t want anything, baby? LANCE I’m fine. Thanks. SPANISH HOSTESS Alright gentlemen, follow me. She escorts Spencer and Sid to their rooms. Then Stuart. INT. SPENCER’S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Small, busted air mattress sits on the floor. Another cheap, disgusting skank greets Spencer. SKANK Ok hun. You have 90 seconds. She picks up a CONDOM from the floor! SPENCER Is that clean? SKANK Uh huh. SPENCER Why is it not in a wrapper and how come you picked it up off the floor?

85.

SKANK This is cutting into your time, honey. SPENCER Okay okay! (quickly pulls down his pants) Put it on me. INT. SID’S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS TINY, Viewing-booth type room with a GLORY HOLE at one end. SID Is anyone in here? WOMAN’S VOICE Put the condom on and slide your penis into the hole. SID But.. I ordered a McCreamPie. WOMAN’S VOICE That’s correct. SID So.. Exactly which hole is it going into? WOMAN’S VOICE Details are not to be discussed. INT. STUART’S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS It is a small room with a TOILET and SINK. Stuart stands in front of yet another cheap, ghetto whore. WHORE Undo your pants please. STUART I’m kind of nervous actually. WHORE Don’t be. STUART I don’t feel like I have to go yet..

86.

WHORE Well take a seat. He sits on the toilet. She reaches into the sink and pulls out a small cup with dark liquid. WOMAN (getting on her knees) Here, drink this. STUART What is this? WOMAN Prune juice. (handing him the cup) He takes it- GULPS it down. WOMAN (CONT’D) Once you begin your process, I can begin mine. She unzips his pants and pulls them down to his ankles. STUART, now sits on the toilet seat with BOXERS. Suddenly- BOOM! We hear an extremely loud noise. INT. MCBROTHEL -- CONTINUOUS A GROUP OF COPS, guns pointed, bust down a side door. The hostess SCREAMS. LANCE, hands raised, stands up. COP EVERYBODY FREEZE. ANTHONY, with only his underwear on, walks GINGERLY out of the room, hand on ass (in pain). ANTHONY Is my session over? CRACK! A cop KNOCKS him out cold with his gun handle. He’s immediately cuffed after that. SID (O.S.) HELP. I’M STUCK. I CAN’T GET OUT! SPENCER and STUART, pants down, stumble out of their rooms.

87.

SPENCER Oh my God! (puts hands up) STUART We didn’t do nothin’ wrong! A cop ENTERS the room where Sid was. COP 2 (O.S.) What the FUCK??? LANCE Officers, I was dragged into this without my consent! COP 3 You sick fucks. This place has been on our radar for weeks now! THEN, the 2 black bodyguards bust down the other door and OPEN FIRE- Shooting several cops in the chest! STUART LANCE RUN!!!! STUART, LANCE, and SPENCER run through the door. All we hear are GUNSHOTS in the background. EXT. FRONT OF MCBROTHEL -- NIGHT The 3 burst outside, where they see CHAD in his car waiting. CHAD Hurry! Get in the car! Lance and Spencer immediately hop in STUART My car’s right here man! BOOM BOOM! 2 bullets are fired into Chad’s car. COP HEY FREEZE! Stuart RUNS into Chad’s car, who slams on the pedal. The cop continues firing at the car, SHATTERING the passenger’s window! They SPEED away.

88.

INT. CHAD’S CAR -- NIGHT CHAD I TOLD YOU TO GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN??!! LANCE I TRIED MAN! Those horny fuckers wouldn’t listen to me! STUART (severely panicking) They got Anthony and Sid man! SPENCER SHIT! And your car is still there! They’re definitely going to trace everything back to us! STUART (weeping) I’m so fucked. CHAD Everybody just take a deep breath and relax! They can’t prove you did anything. IF they say something, I’ll pull some strings with the D.A. LANCE Chad how did you know about this place? CHAD I work in criminal law! You don’t think I know about these places? SPENCER What are we gonna do about the other 2?? CHAD I’ll get them out of jail in the morning and work out a plea for them. LANCE (head down) I want to die right now.

89.

EXT. LANCE’S APARTMENT BUILDING -- NIGHT STUART, already dropped off. Chad pulls up in front of Lance’s building, ready to drop him off. LANCE Chad, you really saved our asses. Thanks again, man. CHAD What are friends for? (pause) Hey Lance, before you go. I wanted to talk to you about something. LANCE What’s up? CHAD ..I can’t be your wingman anymore. For now at least. LANCE What do you mean? CHAD Things with Christine are going well. I really like her. I just don’t wanna fuck anything up. LANCE But you won’t... CHAD It just wouldn’t feel okay anymore going out meeting other women. LANCE You can still be a wingman without breaking any rules. CHAD Lance, I know that. But if I do something, I want to give it 100%. She practically poured her heart out to me tonight aboutLANCE You’re a fucking hypocrite AND a flip flopper. CHAD What?

90.

LANCE All that bros over hos, bitches ain’t shit talk was just that. TALK. CHAD Lance come on. Don’t be like this. LANCE I thought you were better than that man. So is that how things are gonna be? Once you find a new bimbo that’s 10 IQ points higher than the girls you just fuck and dispose of, you forget about your friends? CHAD Lance.. I love you like a brother. Hell I consider you my brother. But right now, you need to get the hell out of my car. LANCE (getting up) I don’t want to sit in your STDinfested cum deposit car anyway! CHAD I don’t understand this! You should have enough confidence by now to go out there and meet women on your own! Or with other people. Maybe you’re just too much of a pussy to take the lead for once. That’s why you stuck with Jenny for so long despite her treating you like shit. AND that’s probably why Amanda moved on to the first guy that actually showed her a BIT of interest. Silence. Chad starts to regret his comment. CHAD (CONT’D) LanceLANCE It’s none of those things. It’s the principle of not blowing off and neglecting your best friend for a girl you just met.

91.

CHAD Lance, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. LANCE You know what it is? I’m a nice guy. And you’re a prick. That’s why you’re successful with women. CHAD I agree. LANCE And now that you’re TRYING to become a nice guy, it’s only gonna backfire for you because deep down, you’re an asshole underneath it all. So screw this. I’ll find new friends. (walks away) CHAD LANCE! He continues walking. Enters his building. Chad stares blankly at his steering wheel for a moment- drives off. FADE IN: “2 MONTHS LATER” INT. LANCE’S OFFICE -- DAY Lance sits at his cubicle, doing work on his computer- His office phone rings. LANCE (answering) This is Lance. (pause) Heyy! Charlie! My boy. (pause) Yes, Adams Morgan tonight. Can’t wait. (pause) K bye. (hangs up) He continues working- stops for a moment. He seems bothered, thinking about something- Chad perhaps. Back to work. Amanda and Louis, HOLDING HANDS, stroll by his office.

92.

AMANDA & LOUIS Hey Lance! LANCE (half-assed response) Hey guys. MOMENTS later, a finger taps on his shoulder. He looks back. It’s MR. EPSTEIN. MR. EPSTEIN Lance, step by my office. INT. MR. EPSTEIN’S OFFICE -- DAY His office- decorated with Mahogany furniture, a LAVA LAMP, and a large portrait of himself hanging behind him. MR. EPSTEIN You’ve called in sick 5 times in the last month, you seem hungover every second of the day, and everytime I look over at you, you’re mumbling to yourself! What has gotten into you? LANCE I’m fine Mr. Epstein, I’m just going through something right now. MR. EPSTEIN Which is? LANCE I’d prefer not to talk about it. MR. EPSTEIN Come on. Talk to me. I’ve been through it all. Is it some girl busting your balls? LANCE My best Wingman and I broke up. MR. EPSTEIN What the fuck does that mean? LANCE That guy, Chad. He was my best friend and my best Wingman. MR. EPSTEIN He was a pilot?

93.

LANCE No, a Wingman is someone that goes out with you to social outings, like clubs and bars, and helps you pick up girls. MR. EPSTEIN Why can’t you just pick up girls on your own? LANCE Well for instance, Mr. Epstein. Say there’s an ugly girl and an attractive girl. If I were to approach the attractive girl and strike up a conversation with her, and even if she was into me, it probably wouldn’t get anywhere because she wouldn’t want her ugly friend to feel left out. So if I had a Wingman, he could come in and talk to the ugly girl for me so I can score with her attractive friend. MR. EPSTEIN Ahhh the guy that takes one for the team. LANCE Exactly. MR. EPSTEIN Well what happened with this Chad character? LANCE He fell for a girl.. And I don’t know, he didn’t want to hang out anymore. We got in a fight and ever since then, we stopped talking. MR. EPSTEIN Lance, let me tell you somethin’. I’ve had many “Wingmen” throughout the years. Some brilliant ones, some pretty lame ones. But they ALL eventually meet a girl they fall for. It’s the way of life, they just grow up one day. LANCE I miss him though.

94.

MR. EPSTEIN Well of course you do. But there’s plenty of good guys out there just like Chad. Don’t sulk over it, just move on. LANCE You’re right, Mr. Epstein. MR. EPSTEIN Oh hey what do you think about the new intern I hired? LANCE Heather? MR. EPSTEIN Yeah. LANCE She’s pretty hot, sir. MR. EPSTEIN Good. I fucked her. INT. RECORD STORE -- DAY CHAD and CHRISTINE, in a large record store (similar to Virgin) scope out CDs. CHRISTINE Are we getting old when being in a record store feels nostalgic? CHAD No, things change. I guess just faster now with technology and all. From the TV up top: N-Sync’s ‘Tearin’ Up My Heart’ music video comes on. CHRISTINE Whoa! Look at that, I used to love that song when I was little! Focus on parts of young Lance Bass. Chad stares, blankly. CHRISTINE (CONT’D) Chad? Chad? Are you okay? (tapping him)

95.

CHAD (snapping out of it) Yes! I’m fine. CHRISTINE What’s wrong? (looking at screen) Oh I get it. You miss your friend, don’t you? He doesn’t deny it. CHRISTINE (CONT’D) Aww Chad. You should call him. CHAD Nah. Guys don’t do that. INT. ZAYTINYA -- NIGHT PACKED college-aged crowd at a swanky Chinatown bar/restaurant. SIGNS decorated all over the place: “Welcome Back Georgetown Law Students!” Chad, Christine, and Kristina enter the establishment. They are immediately mobbed by a crowd of young men. MALE STUDENT Are YOU the one they call Chad? CHAD Um yep. I suppose I am. The students humbly bow down in worship. CHAD (CONT’D) Oh come on guys, that’s not necessary. MALE STUDENT 2 You must teach us your methods! MALE STUDENT 3 Guide us into the light! CHAD Stay in school, kids. They walk by the group.

96.

MALE STUDENT (in awe) He grazed my shoulder. They stop at the bar. CHAD (to bartender) Hendrix Martini, make it dirty. And 2 Cranberry-Belvederes. CHRISTINE You’re a big hit everywhere we go aren’t you? CHAD Nahh. Stories get exaggerated and passed around among the students. KRISTINA (noticing 2 girls) Chad, 12 O’clock. GIRLS Chadd! CHAD Hello. GIRL 1 Remember us? CHAD No, I don’t. GIRL 2 The summer graduation trip to Cabo? CHAD Have you met my girlfriend, Christine? CHRISTINE Hi. CHAD She’s specializing in criminal law. The girls nod in approval. CHAD (CONT’D) Good seeing you two! The girls walk away. Christine gives him that ‘look’.

97.

CHAD (CONT’D) (grabbing drinks) What? Something behind Chad catches Christine’s eye. CHRISTINE Oh my God. CHAD Come on Christine, that trip was like a year and a half ago. CHRISTINE No it’s not that. My ex is here. KRISTINA That son of a bitch. I’ll kill him. CHAD (looking back) Where? ZOOM in on a pretentious-looking guy in a black blazer about 10 yards away. CHAD (CONT’D) That guy? CHRISTINE Yes. Her ex notices Christine, and begins walking over. CHRISTINE (CONT’D) Shit, shit. Hand me my drink. Chad gives her the drink, she begins to sip FAST. EX Christine? KRISTINA Hey why don’t you crawl back into the hole you came out of and leave my sister the fuck alone! JOHN Hey, hey now. I don’t mean any harm. Just came to say hello. CHRISTINE John. Didn’t expect to see you here.

98.

JOHN I missed school. I wanted to visit. CHRISTINE This is my boyfriend, Chad. JOHN (shaking hand) Boyfriend. Well it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Chad. I’ve heard some pretty wonderful things about you around campus. CHAD Yeah? Usually the students with potential I’ve met by now. John lightly laughs off Chad’s put-down. ANNOUNCER And now we’d like to welcome to the stage.. Class of 2009 Graduate and former President of Phi Alpha Delta... Chad Brennan! LOUD applause and cheering from everyone. He looks at Christine and walks to the stage, grabbing the mic. CHAD Students. What more can I say? Welcome back. More loud cheering. CHAD (CONT’D) You know. There’s a famous saying that goes.. At the end of the day, if you have one good friend, you’re more than lucky.. Well I say, if you have one amazing girl who you can trust with your life, you’re even luckier. Christine, flattered expression, looks on. The rest of the crowd grows silent and confused. CHAD (CONT’D) That’s my sweetheart right there. Everyone give it up for Christine. Crowd begins rooting and clapping again.

99.

CHAD (CONT’D) These are still your college years no matter what anyone says! Make the most of it, live life, and find somebody to love! Emphatic cheering/applause. Chad looks at her with a glow. INT. THE REEF, ADAMS MORGAN -- NIGHT LANCE stands by his new friend Charlie, 20s, drinks in hand. It is a dark, splashy bar with giant salt-water fish tanks. CHARLIE This night is going to be awesome! I’ve never seen such a nice crowd here before! LANCE Yeah. (pause) Hey man. Thanks again for coming out tonight. I really needed it. CHARLIE Oh yeah, for sure! 2 sexy, young girls walk by. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Hey ladies. GIRLS Hey! CHARLIE Beautiful fish here. GIRLS What? CHARLIE I said beautiful fish here! Silence. CHARLIE (CONT’D) If I jump in one of these tanks and pretend to be Nemo.. Would you girls pretend to be Dory and come find me?

100.

The girls walk away. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Strange... that usually works like a charm. LANCE Hey let me take the lead from now on. CHARLIE Okay, sure. INT. REEF, ADAMS MORGAN -- LATER Lance and Charlie, chatting with 2 other girls. GIRL 1 ..Oh my God, the same thing happened to my friend last year. LANCE (laughs) Really? GIRL 1 Yeah! It was so weird, likeCHARLIE (sniffing) Wait girls... Did one of you just fart? GIRLS (shaking heads) No. CHARLIE You sure? Because you two just blew me away. INT. REEF, ADAMS MORGAN -- LATER LANCE, now all but given up, sitting at the bar alone, downing drinks. We see CHARLIE at a table with 3 girls. CHARLIE Have you guys heard that song, ‘Bedrock’? (singing) Call me Mr. Flinstone, I can make your bed rock, girl.

101.

The girls awkwardly nod their heads. GIRL 1 Uh huh. CHARLIE Yeah. Well 50 Cent stole that pickup line from me! GIRL 2 Young Money. CHARLIE What? GIRL 2 Bedrock is by ‘Young Money’ CHARLIE Is that what they call him nowadays? (laughs) Rappers and their metaphors. EXT. REEF, ADAMS MORGAN -- NIGHT CHARLIE We’ll knock ‘em dead next time bro! He gives Lance a shake and a hug. LANCE Alright Charlie. Thanks again, man. I’ll call you later. CHARLIE You do that, my man! Lance walks away into the night. INT. CHRISTINE’S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Chad and Christine enter her bedroom. CHRISTINE Chad. We should talk. CHAD I agree.

102.

CHRISTINE Did you mean what you said up there? CHAD Every word. (pause) And there’s something I have to tell you. CHRISTINE There’s something I have to tell you, too. CHAD Me first. Well. More like show you, I’ve never told this to anyone before. He pulls out a Yellow Post-It from his pocket: ‘I Love You’. She begins to cry. CHAD (CONT’D) Christine. I’ve fallen for you. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without sex. And you know what? I could care less. The time I spend with you, the moments we make together, is far better than any physical pleasure I could feel. CHRISTINE (teary) I cheated on you. CHAD (deadpan) What? She nods, still emotional. CHAD (CONT’D) You’re lying. CHRISTINE Last week, I met up with.. John.. for coffee.. One thing led to another andCHAD Why didn’t you tell me before?

103.

CHRISTINE I wanted to, I was scared and ICHAD Did you guys have sex? CHRISTINE No. No we didn’t. CHAD Then? CHRISTINE We came back here afterwards to talk things out.. things got emotional and we kissed and fooled around a little but I stopped him. CHAD (angry) How could you do that to me? CHRISTINE Chad I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this. But you wouldn’t understand... CHAD You’re fucking right I wouldn’t understand. He rips up the Post-It. CHRISTINE I was confused about my feelings for the longest time. But after experiencing that with him. I realized that he’s so wrong for me and you’re the one I really want. CHAD (walks off) Fuck this. CHRISTINE Chad please don’t do this. You’ve never been in a long term relationship! You don’t know how it feels!

104.

CHAD (turning around) If you still had feelings for him, you should have just told me from the start. CHRISTINE Chad... CHAD I thought you were different, Christine.. just go back to him. You two belong together. He walks out of her apartment, slamming the door as she continues to cry. INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS CHAD, furious and bitter, walks down the hallway. CHAD (under his breath) Whore. INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT LANCE, lonely and depressed, sits on his couch with a beerflipping through the channels on his T.V. He stops on a channel- TOP GUN is playing. This scene: Iceman: “You can be my wingman any time” Maverick: “Bullshit! You can be mine.” Changes the channel again: The Coors Light ‘Mighty Wing Man’ commercial. Changes it again: ‘Music video for Eric Carmen’s song ‘All By Myself’. (beginning with the chorus) He HURLS his remote at the T.V., shattering the screen. However, the music continues to play as he sinks back into his couch. EXT. LIQUOR STORE -- NIGHT CHAD walks out the store with a huge bottle of JACKimmediately starts chugging. He gets in his car and storms off.

105.

INT. CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Kristina comforts her sister, still teary, in her arms on their couch. CHRISTINE I feel like I fucked up a really good thing. KRISTINA You know I’m here for you. I always will be. But I’m also going to be the first one to say ‘I told you so.’ CHRISTINE I should have listened to you from the start. KRISTINA Yeah. CHRISTINE Do you think he’ll come around? KRISTINA Honestly... no. Guys are simple. They’re logical. Us girls follow our emotions. Once you break a guy’s trust, you probably won’t get it back. A good moment of silence passes as the sisters continue to comfort eachother. INT. LANCE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT LANCE, now on his computer. He goes to Chad’s MySpace page and deletes him. Now he visits Chad’s twitter: Chad_Likes_Law (his profile pic is a close-up of him and Christine) Lance notices his most recent tweet: ‘I think I love her...’ He rolls his eyes and moves his cursor to ‘block Chad_Likes_Law’. Right before he clicks, a new tweet pops up: ‘I take it back. All women are the root of evil.’ He stops... then KNOCK KNOCK. Lance goes to open the door. It’s Chad, now visibly drunk.

106.

LANCE Chad?? CHAD (drunk) Heyyy. My best friend in the world. (goes in for a hug) LANCE (backing off) Why don’t you come in. (he enters) Jesus you smell like a bar. CHAD You know what I realized tonight, man? LANCE That all women are the root of evil? CHAD Yesssss. How did you know? LANCE Lucky guess. So what happened with Christine? CHAD She cheated on me with her ex. LANCE Fuck. Chad, that sucks. I’m really sorry to hear that. CHAD Also another thing I realized. I fucked up this friendship. (silence) And I should have never been so stupid to do that. I want to make it up to you. Tonight, I say you and me hit up Nitrogen. Just like old times. What do you say? LANCE Chad. I’m not gonna lie. I missed you during these 2 months. A lot. CHAD I missed you too man. Like crazy.

107.

LANCE But I can’t. It just wouldn’t be fair to me, you know? CHAD Come on bro. I need you now. LANCE (thinks) No. I needed you at my worst times. But you blew me off. CHAD (understanding) I get it. I fucked up, Lance. I’m sorry. He walks out of Lance’s apartment. INT. NITROGEN NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT BACK to Nitrogen. A familiar scene. Different atmosphere. Belligerently drunken Chad goes up to many women, uncharacteristically getting rejected due to his sloppy game. CHAD (to random girl) Hey baby. RANDOM GIRL Hey. CHAD I fucking hate girls. All I want to do is fuck them now. RANDOM GIRL You’re a jerk. CHAD (sipping his drink) By the way, sweetheart. You don’t have to try so hard at a club. That supertight outfit won’t turn you from a 6 to a 7. She slaps him and walks off. Chad turns back to the bar. CHAD (CONT’D) (showing empty glass) Another one. A trashy-looking girl at the bar notices him.

108.

GIRL Havin’ a rough night, babe? CHAD Ha. You have no idea. GIRL Is there anything I can do to help? CHAD Well, how about you and me. We set our watered-down drinks here. Leave this shitty, overpriced establishment. And head back to your place? GIRL I like the sound of that. He grabs her hand and they turn to walk. Chad stops in front of a figure. It’s LANCE. CHAD Lance, what are you doing here? LANCE I couldn’t let my best friend wing it by himself tonight. CHAD (hugging Lance tight) God damn I love you, bro. LANCE I love you too. CHAD I’m sorry I was such a douche bag. LANCE It’s okay, I forgive you. CHAD Oh Lance, this is.. Uh(to girl) What was your name again? GIRL My name is let’s get the hell out of here. She takes Chad’s hand again, prompting them to move.

109.

LANCE Chad, wait. (grabbing him) Don’t do this. CHAD What, why? LANCE (in his ear) I spoke to Christine after you left. CHAD What? LANCE Yeah. She called me and told me everything. Listen, usually I’d be in your favor. But I don’t want you to do this. She really loves you, man. She’s a good girl and you can’t blame her for being confused about a guy she was with for 2 years, which ended all of a sudden. The important thing is she realized she wants you. CHAD Lance. I want to forget about her. And the best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else. The girl tugs on Chad’s hand aggressively, and they leave. INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The trashy girl from the bar and Chad, now making out against the wall. He tosses her on the bed and gets on top. GIRL You got a condom? CHAD I do. (reaches for his wallet and takes a wrapper out) He opens it. But freezes there. GIRL What’s wrong?

110.

CHAD I’m not feelin’ it. GIRL You need some help? CHAD No. I can’t do this. I gotta go. He gets up and starts putting his clothes back on. GIRL But why? Chad runs out the room. EXT. GIRL’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT We see Chad get in his car, starting the engine. He speeds away to a destination unknown. INT. CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Kristina sits on the couch still. KNOCK KNOCK. She gets up to open the door: It’s Chad. KRISTINA We’re not looking for trouble, okay? CHAD I came here to see Christine. Christine, a mess, comes out of her bedroom door. He walks up to her. CHRISTINE If you came here to yell at me, I understand. I know I hurt you really bad and I feel like the smallest person in the world right now. She tries to speak some more but he just kisses her. They share a long, passionate kiss. CHAD I forgive you. Thank you for being honest with me. Kristina stands there watching them, heart melted.

111.

CHRISTINE By the way: I love you, too. CHAD There’s one thing I need you to do for me, though. CHRISTINE Anything. CHAD I left my buddy at the club. Let’s go back and join him. CHRISTINE Of course. CHAD (to Kristina) You too, get dressed. INT. NITROGEN NIGHTCLUB -- CONTINUOUS LANCE, by the bar, looks down at his watch. Chad, Christine, and Kristina appear next to him. LANCE Heyyy! (hugging all at once) CHRISTINE Lance, thank you so much for your advice. LANCE What are friends for? KRISTINA So Chad, you’re not gonna piss any fat girls off tonight are ya? CHAD Maybe just you. KRISTINA Oh you wouldn’t want to. I’ll do more than set you on fire. CHAD Hey Lance. Is that Amanda over there?

112.

They turn to look near the fountain. Indeed, it’s Amanda and Louis. LANCE Shit. It is. CHRISTINE You should talk to her! CHAD Lance.. Let me wing this one out for you. It’s the least I can do. LANCE No, Chad you don’t have to. I’m gonna fly solo on this one. He sets his drink down and walks over to the pair. LANCE (CONT’D) (to Amanda) Hey. AMANDA Hey Lance! Wow, I didn’t expect to bump into you tonight. LOUIS Lance, how are ya man? Oh I wanted to ask you if you wouldn’t mind touching up my Power Point presentation on Monday. LANCE Fuck you, Louis. LOUIS Excuse me? LANCE Do your own damn work. Amanda- surprised but sort of enjoying the moment. LANCE (CONT’D) Amanda. I’ve had a thing for you for the longest time. But I never had the courage to tell you. AMANDA Really?

113.

LOUIS (chuckles) What a clown. LANCE I admire your beauty, your brains, and most of all.. the way you greet me every morning when you come into work. She makes an ‘aww’ face. LANCE (CONT’D) And this guy. (motioning at Louis) You can do WAY better than him. AMANDA Lance, I’ve felt the same way about you, but you never made a move on me. LANCE How about now? He pulls her in, then kisses her. Louis pushes Lance off. LOUIS What the fuck are you doing man? POW! A hand pounds across Louis’ face and he falls into the fountain, unconscious. Courtesy of Chad. CHAD You need your co-pilot sometimes. LANCE Thanks, man. AMANDA Chad. That wasn’t very nice. CHAD Just lookin’ after my little bro here. She smiles. Lance pulls her back to finish the kiss. CHAD (CONT’D) Touching. Hey, we’re gonna get some food. You guys, please. Come join us.

114.

AMANDA Yeah sure, let’s get out of here. They continue to walk, Amanda and Lance now hand in hand. THEN, LOUIS emerges from the water, and tries to go after Lance. He STUMBLES, and on his way to the floor, pulls Lance’s PANTS all the way down. From behind Lance’s bare ass: Christine, Kristina, Chad, Amanda and ALL of the club look at Lance’s exposed crotch in shock. CHAD Lance. I will NEVER make another Asian penis joke again. AMANDA (to Christine) I think I like him a little more now. CHAD Holy shit man. Long Dong is actually packin’ heat! LANCE (pulling his pants up) It’s no big deal. It’s about how you use it. Which I think I can. He turns around and KICKS Louis across the face- finally knocking him out. LANCE (CONT’D) I think it’s safe to leave now. The group proceeds to walk- From the corner, Lance notices a a Private VIP table filled with bottles of Grey Goose and Patron: His BOSS, MR. EPSTEIN with an array of beautiful women. MR. EPSTEIN (shouting) LANCE! You lonely Asian bastard! Get your ass over here! LANCE (walking) Holy shit! Mr. Epstein? They embrace with a hug. The group follows.

115.

MR. EPSTEIN I know you’ve been havin’ some problems! Which one of these broads do you want? (pointing at one of them) Stacy.. She gives amazing blowjobs. LANCE Oh thank you, Mr. Epstein. Stacy seems lovely... (she twirls her tongue) But I found my girl. (puts arm around Amanda) AMANDA (surprised) Mr. Epstein... Hi... MR. EPSTEIN (pointing at both) You two? AMANDA Well, it’sMR. EPSTEIN You know office affairs are against company policy. And immediate grounds for termination. Lance takes his arm off Amanda. LANCE Well if that’s the case sirMR. EPSTEIN Fuck it! I’m giving you a promotion Monday morning for having some balls for once! LANCE Seriously? MR. EPSTEIN Yeah! And Louis, that cocksucker is fired. Never liked him. LANCE Wow. Thank you Mr. Epstein! MR. EPSTEIN You kids go on! Enjoy the night! Make sweet love!

116.

They thank him again, and begin to walk off. MR. EPSTEIN (CONT’D) Hey fleshlight dude! Thanks for the recommendation! My stamina is INCREDIBLE now! CHAD Don’t mention it, sir! Mr. Epstein hand signals an ‘A-Okay’, WINKS, and sits back down with the ladies. The happy group carries on with their night. FADE IN: INT. CHRISTINE’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT CHAD, shirtless, now on top of Christine, bra. Bed sheets covering their lower halves. CHAD Are you sure about this? CHRISTINE I’ve never been as sure in my life as I am now. CHAD This was worth the wait... And the pain. CHRISTINE Sorry. CHAD (smiles) Before we proceed... (reaches below) I fixed it. The ripped up ‘I love you’ Post-It, now tackily taped back up. They kiss as we fade out. FADE IN: “6 MONTHS LATER”

117.

INT. MUVICO EGYPTIAN THEATER -- NIGHT ZOOM in on a ticket being ripped by an usher: ‘Sex & The City 4’ USHER Enjoy your movie. ZOOM out to see Chad/Christine and Lance/Amanda, each carrying shopping bags. AMANDA You guys are really sweet for taking us to see this. CHAD Our pleasure. (winks at Lance) LANCE They should call this movie Sex and the City: Menopause. INT. MOVIE ROOM, THEATER -- NIGHT The 2 girls sit in the middle with the guys on the outside. The previews begin to roll. LANCE (getting up) I have to use the bathroom. (taking bag with him) A few seconds pass. CHAD I have to go too. (taking bag with him) The girls look at eachother, confused. CHRISTINE At the same time? AMANDA Weird. With their shopping bags, too. CHRISTINE I think they might be fucking eachother behind our backs.

118.

AMANDA Yeah, I think so too. Sometimes in bed, Lance would accidentally call me ‘Chad’. INT. BATHROOM, MOVIE THEATER -- NIGHT The guys, in front of the sinks/mirrors, face eachother. They begin to unbutton their shirts. Chad reaches into his bag, pulling out a sleek dress shirt and blazer. Lance digs into his back, pulling out a stylish black vest and dress shirt. LANCE I think this was your size. CHAD It better be my size. LANCE 16 right? CHAD Yes you got it. Dude, it’s chilly as shit outside and you got me a vest? I at least bought you a jacket. LANCE Who cares? We’ll be indoors the whole night. CHAD Did you remember the cologne? LANCE Ah yes I did. (pulls cologne out of bag) CHAD Here, both sides of my neck 2 times. LANCE (spraying) Do you think it’s messed up that we’re doing this? CHAD Dude. It’s the grand opening of Club Pathogen next door. Terrible name for a club, by the way. (MORE)

119. CHAD (CONT'D) (pause) Oh I got us on the guest list this time.

The boys turn to the mirror and begin to style their hair. LANCE Really? I thought you were gonna pull some James Bond type-shit again. CHAD Not worth the effort tonight. LANCE They’re gonna be so pissed at us! CHAD Nah, we’ll be gone for like 2 hours max. Then we’ll come back and take them out to a late dinner. No big deal. LANCE Some things never change. The boys, now dressed, laugh and walk out of the bathroom, ready for another club night. THE END.